private-vampire

[private-vampire]

If I rip out my stomach..will I finally be skinny?

[private-vampire]

Oh what an unlovable thing I've become.

[private-vampire]

I miss my sick body.

[private-vampire]

Guys..do these fat blockers actually help?

[private-vampire]

and then i go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like “fuck this i wanna eat”

[private-vampire]

[private-vampire]

Hey… I know I’ve been gone for a while. I’m sorry for that. I needed time, space—anything to get away from the constant pressure. People kept pushing food on me, acting like if they just made me eat, it would fix everything. But it didn’t. It only made things worse. It made me feel even more out of control, like my body wasn’t even mine anymore. Like I was failing in a whole new way.I had to step back, had to try and figure things out on my own. And honestly, I’m still figuring it out. But I didn’t want to stay gone forever. I don’t want to keep disappearing just because I’m struggling. So… I’m back. I don’t know what that means yet, and I can’t promise I have everything together, but I’m here. And I’m sorry I was away for so long.

[private-vampire]

imagine failing at being dis0rder3d, couldn’t be me!!!

(it’s me wtf is happening)

[private-vampire]

I want him to be concerned with how skinny I’ve gotten,

That’s the goal.

[private-vampire]

dude that joke was so funny!!!

i don’t eat anymore because of it.

[private-vampire]

Starving for a week now to make up for my binging

[private-vampire]

i wanna see my ribs without sucking in

[private-vampire]

By me for u

[private-vampire]

I can finally see some progress 🫶🏻

[private-vampire]

Me with an empty stomach laying in bed and touching my visible bones..it's just so comforting

and my hipbones 😭😭

[private-vampire]

I binged the last two days. I feel like such a failure. I can barely stand to write this down because it feels like admitting I'm every awful thing I already think about myself. Every time I tell myself, This is it. This is the last time, I end up here again-bloated, ashamed, disgusted with myself. I keep trying to claw my way out of this pit, but I just sink deeper. And what kills me the most is how I can't seem to stop. I don't even know if I ever will. My family doesn't make it any easier. They don't get it-they probably never will. They buy sweets all the time, like they're stocking up for some party that never ends. Chocolates, cakes, candy, pastries-it's like they're deliberately stacking temptation in front of me. I don't know if they're trying to sabotage me or if they're just that blind to how much I'm struggling. They see me eating it, over and over, but they don't say anything. Or worse, they laugh it off, like it's just me being me, like it's funny or harmless. They don't see me afterward. They don't see me sitting alone in my room, hating myself with every fiber of my being.And it's not even enjoyable anymore. The first bite might taste good, but after that, it's just this mindless blur of chewing and swallowing while my brain screams at me to stop. My stomach cramps, my chest tightens, and I can feel the nausea creeping in, but I keep going anyway, stuffing myself with things that make me feel physically sick. It's disgusting, and I know it, but I can't stop. It's like some part of me wants to keep hurting myself, like I deserve to feel this sick. Like I deserve to carry this shame. Afterward, I feel so bloated I can't even stand up straight. I feel like my body is rebelling against me, and honestly, I don't blame it. I look in the mirror, and I want to scream. I hate my face, my arms, my stomach. I hate the way my clothes cling to me. I want to rip them off, to rip my skin off, to escape from this body that feels more like a prison than anything else. I tell myself I'll fix it. I'll fix me. But I can't even go a single day without ruining everything.I want to be thin. Not just thin-I want to be so thin that everyone notices. I want them to see me and know, without me saying a word, that I'm not okay. That I'm sick. That I'm trying. I want to look so hollow and empty that people understand how much pain I'm in, because it feels like no one sees it right now. I want to be a walking cry for help. But instead, I'm this- this weak, disgusting mess who keeps shoveling food into her mouth and then hating herself for it. I don't know how to break out of this. I don't know how to stop failing. All I feel is this crushing shame and exhaustion, like I've been running in circles for so long that I don't even remember where I started. I don't remember what it's like to feel okay. I'm just so tired of feeling like this-so tired of being me. But I don't know how to be anything else. I don't know how to fix this, and I don't know if I ever will

[private-vampire]

Its me and my zero cal energy drinks against the world