questioning-aspec-culture-is

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

Hi, I was wondering if you had any advice on accepting your aro-spec identity? I've been struggling for a few years and I think it's due to a fear of being left beind. All of my friends are allos and may get romantic partners one day and I'm scared of ending up without any close relationships.

my #1 piece of advice is: remember that whatever society tries to tell you, romance is NOT the end goal. find things that fulfil you and make you happy in your day to day life, because being 'left behind' doesn't feel like a tragedy anymore once you realise that you're pretty damn cool all on your own

about your friends - try discussing your worries with them, either before or shortly after they find themselves with a partner; let them know how much you value them and don't want to lose them! often the excitement of getting into a relationship makes people thoughtless and they don't actually want to cut you out of their lives or leave you behind - they just may need reminding that the world exists outside of their partner. And it sucks that that's the case but with any luck having a clear conversation about it will help to avoid your friendships breaking down.

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

is a there such a thing as alterous-spike but like. opposite? so instead of not feeling alterous affection and then having spikes of it, its usually feeling alterous affection and having spikes of not feeling it

because i usually feel alterous affection pretty well but then every once in a while i have a little 'I DONT LOVEMY PARTNER??????' freak out? is that a thing and if so whats it called?

hi mod amaranth here

so i found out there's a thing called acejump, which is what you described for sexual attraction. i would see no reason why alterousjump wouldn't exist.

hope this helps!

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

Posing a question to the general aroace and surrounding population; what's y'all's take on, like, a passive, non-horny desire for sexual contact as an expression of non-romantic friendship intimacy? Does that even make sense?

Yes! Like wanting to kiss your friends as a platonic act of intimacy (I'm also aroace)

yessss

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

Posing a question to the general aroace and surrounding population; what's y'all's take on, like, a passive, non-horny desire for sexual contact as an expression of non-romantic friendship intimacy? Does that even make sense? My overall take is that I'm still aroace and just not gonna worry about it, but I'm wondering if this is a shared experience among aroaces or what

hi mod amaranth here

sending this out to the world for people to share their takes. i personally see no issue with that. do what you want forever (with consent. consent is the sexiest thing of all).

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

Questioning caedromantic culture is wondering if what happened was “bad enough” to count under the caedro label and a part of you keeps being “what do you mean you barely suffered and now you just want a fancy label”. Like, how do I know if the thing that affected my aromanticism was actually trauma?

And this after a bunch of people on Reddit have told me I have C-PTSD symptoms but I don’t want to believe them *nervous laugh*

<2

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

Is it normal for other aces to have "sexual thoughts " like I wonderr how it would be like to do x or y with someone but have no actual desire to actually do so. And also, do other aces have freaky thoughts/more libido when their period is approaching? - A confused ace that feels worthless everytime this shit happens.

hi mod amaranth back at it

yeah that's totally normal. the period thing has a biological basis (something something hormones). asexuals can have and enjoy sex. asexuals can hate sex and never do it. asexuals can do whatever the fuck they want tbh as long as consent is involved.

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

Hi! I'd really like your help with something. What I'm about to say mentions a homophobic and toxic catholic household so if you don't feel comfortable answering this I completely understand. So for context I, as you may have already guessed, grew up in such household and family (I'll say "family" for this but they're no longer in my life by my choice). For a long time I've realized that I don't feel any sexual nor romantic attraction. I never understood why and I often wondered what was wrong with me. I soon discovered what the aroace spectrum is but, most likely because of my biological parents' "teachings", I've repressed my feelings and attributed them to me being a virgin with performance anxiety. I almost feel like I am expected to date, marry and have kids but I want nothing to do with any of that. Not in retaliation or anything, I just don't FEEL romantic nor sexual attrancion. My question is what do you think? Am I aroace? Based on everything I've researched, I fit perfectly in that "label". Do you have any advice for me? Thank you in advance if you'll choose to reply to this

hi!! mod amaranth here

so i'm not religious by any stretch of the imagination, so i doubt i will have anything constructive to offer on that front, but what you've said sounds aroace to me!! i'm aroace, and, yeah, that's my personal experience: i don't feel attraction. being aro and/or ace can be defined by a lack of the respective attraction. i'm not sure exactly what kind of advice you're looking for, or if i'm the guy you should be asking for it (i am but a silly guy on the internet, my word is never gospel haha), but you are absolutely more than welcome to ask a followup :))

hope this helps! <2

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

Qac is “is this a crush or just my first healthy, non-manipulative relationship?”

<2

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

Can I use puffinhoarder if I primarily hoard aplatonic-spectrum identities to indicate my unique relationship with platonic attraction? Because the definition only says acespec and arospec identities. Aplspec ones are nearly always forgotten. People think we’re crazy because we don’t want friendship, which is apparently “something that is a basic need”.

hey!! mod amaranth here

so as far as i can see, there doesn't seem to be one for the aplspec? which, yeah, feels like something we as a community do need to address. admittedly, all tertiary attractions need more attention, including the aplspec.

i don't know much about identity hoarding, however, the way i see it, you can probably use puffinhoarder and clarify your specific usage or coin a new term. if someone in the community knows more about this, please do chime in haha

hope this helps! <2

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

i cant tell if im actually aro or just have a fucked up view of romance, because im not opposed to dating people, but there are times where i want absolutely nothing to do with romance. and ive dated people before but i tend to loose interest within a few months which makes me feel really bad and aghhh idk 😭 i know im not aroflux but i think im somewhere on the aromatic spectrum i just dont know WHERE

hi!! mod amaranth here

so from what you've given in this ask, it seems like your view on romance is the thing that is changing. the terms romance ambivalent and romance oscillating may be helpful for you!! i'm not sure if there are any microlabels specific to your experience, unfortunately.

as for losing interest in people after dating them, frayromantic might be a helpful starting place. frayromantic is an orientation where you feel attraction to people you don't know all that well, and lose attraction as you get to know them.

hope this helps!! <2

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

possibly acespike culture is getting mildly irritated because while the basic premise of the acespike label fits me, the exact wording — “brief, intense spikes of attraction” — prevents me from feeling like it fits. because on the rare occasions i experience spikes, the feelings aren’t intense. for me, they’re kinda just There. more than half the time i don’t even want to touch the person at all, just look at them until the attraction dissolves. (which sounds like aesthetic attraction on paper, but for me, it’s distinct.) and the rest of the time, when i do want to touch them, the sex-repulsion still sticks around somewhat.

and this isn’t even getting to the fact that i’ve never felt this for an irl person! only fictional characters and people in pictures/videos! gahh

(if anyone knows of any acespike sublabels, i’d be interested in hearing them! i’ve tried looking for myself and i can’t find any :/ )

<3

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

Is it possible to be Orchidsexual and Cupiosexual at the same time? I relate to both the definitions, but they’re considered opposites of each other. I feel it in a ‘ depends on the person ‘ way, hopefully that makes sense. I typically don’t desire a sexual relationship due to my asexuality and hardly experiencing attraction, but sometimes I do. Is it okay for me to identify as both?

hi!! mod amaranth here

absolutely!! i maintain that labels are weird squiggles we gave meaning to and we can do whatever we want with them. if that's the way you want to identify, and the way you think best describes your experience, then do it!!

hope this helps! <3

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

i've been questioning if im arospec for a few months now and its driving me a bit nuts just doing it on my own so- - I used to think i had crushes but when i look back at them it was just aesthetic attraction - I love imagining myself in a romantic relationship but whenever someone suggests it irl my gut just goes "oh hell no fuck off". especially when someone says i "need" one - I only realized recently that the people asking me to prom were in fact, legitimately asking me to prom and not trying to make fun of me. i didnt want to go to prom anyway, the thought of it made me uncomfy and im not sure whether that was anxiety or the romantic part of it - I didn't realize people actually felt romantic attraction in like, less than a few months of knowing someone. I always thought that it took longer and people who got into relationships in less time than that were just desperate (which is a pretty rude thought of course, i know better now, but i still dont get it yknow?) I think neurodivergence is definitely affecting my romantic attraction too and i know i could just go unlabeled but im struggling rn

hi!! mod amaranth here

so unfortunately i think i can only provide suggestions for some parts of your ask. i'm not entirely sure about much for the prom bit.

I used to think i had crushes but when i look back at them it was just aesthetic attraction

I didn't realize people actually felt romantic attraction in like, less than a few months of knowing someone

these are both not uncommon experiences in the aro community!! i know i experienced both lmao (or something similar). i know the second one is especially common within the demiromantic community, i believe (do not quote me on this dfjkdf). demiromantic is an orientation where you only feel romantic attraction after forming an emotional bond first.

I love imagining myself in a romantic relationship but whenever someone suggests it irl my gut just goes "oh hell no fuck off"

i think aegromantic might be something you'll want to look into! it's an orientation where you enjoy the idea of romance, but don't want to actually have one. i once heard its sexual counterpart, aegosexual, described as 'in the head, not in the bed', and i think that's a very good description!!

I think neurodivergence is definitely affecting my romantic attraction

there are microlabels for that!! the only one i know of is nebularomantic, which is where your neurodivergence makes it difficult for you to distinguish between romantic and platonic attraction.

hope this helps!! <2

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

I can't understand what I am. I read and watch NSFW but am not interested in the body? Only interested in what is happening—and very specific things. But I prefer watching both of my opposite sex than hetero or my similar gender, but I still watch some of my gender and hetero, but in general, I prefer the opposite. I also get off in the bathroom a lot, but never want to have anything with anyone and am disgusted when I try to think of such situations with me in them. But I also keep trying to think of those scenarios? Too see if I can get aroused? Am I still ace?

howdy!! mod amaranth here

absolutely!! action absolutely does not determine ones orientation. you are no less valid of an asexual for engaging in sexual behaviours. even if you wanted to and did have partnered sex, you would still be an asexual if that's the label you think best describes your experiences!!

labels are just words that can be useful for describing your experiences. do what you want forever

hope this helps!! <3

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

i have hunches but im willing 2 ask for reassurance.... basicallyy what would it be if i struggled to discern the difference between platonic & romantic, the only reason i back off from romance being that the actions within a committed relationship are undesirable to me... & i still enjoy the sexual side of things (presumably hypersexual). n altho i do feel romantic attraction towards people idk if i actually want a full relationship that much. i think i'm some sorta poly as i'm enjoying dating multiple partners but its not serious the way most people have it

hey!! mod amaranth here

there's a few different labels that can be used to describe these experiences, but i can't think of one all encompassing one besides the umbrella terms (greyaro/arospec/etc). i'm assuming that you're allosexual from your description

what would it be if i struggled to discern the difference between platonic & romantic

quoiromantic is the first to come to mind. it's exactly as you describe: it's used to label the experience where you struggle to differentiate platonic and romantic experiences, and typically are unsure if you've experienced one or the other. of course, labels are your sandbox and you can do whatever you want in them!! if you're neurodivergent, and feel that these confusing feelings stem from your neurodivergency, nebularomantic is the label typically used.

i back off from romance being that the actions within a committed relationship are undesirable to me... & i still enjoy the sexual side of things

i think i would urge you to look into terms like non-partnering!! however, from your description, it's also possible that romance is just not your thing :p i'm not sure what the label for that might be (if anyone does know, i'd actually love to know myself lmao), although romance averse is one that might be helpful!!

n altho i do feel romantic attraction towards people idk if i actually want a full relationship that much

i believe that the term orchidromantic might help you out there!! orchidromantic is an orientation where a person feels romantic attraction, but does not desire a relationship

hope this helps!! <2

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

I feel strongly on the aroace spectrum but there's these little somethings that always confuse me, I've never felt attracted or desire to be attracted to anyone;

For the aro part, I've never looked at someone or wanted to be in a romantic relationship(or relationship of any kind beside friendship) with anyone, but sometimes I think it'd be nice to have a relationship, someone I can have to lean on for comfort(or be there for), and protect and spoil, maybe a little bit of hugs as a treat though I'm not one for physical touch. But I look at myself and see how I'm still fine and content as is. This isn't something I'd ever need, just a nice thought. I'm not sure I could handle this irl.

The ace part is just, like whatever I don't care for it in the slightest, I might try with someone I like if it were like the relationship above; if they want to, otherwise I just wouldn't really want to in general no matter my relationship to someone.

Sorry about the near essay length text, I'm just worried I might be intruding into labels that aren't meant for me, I don't want to do that to other groups.

hey!! mod amaranth here

first of all, no need to apologize!! trust me, anon, this is far from the longest ask in this box right now lmao. i also want to reassure you that you aren't intruding!! figuring out your identity is a messy process, and even if the aspec isn't your final destination, we're happy to have you stay for a while :))

if you've never felt any attraction before, then you most definitely can identify on the aspec!! a lack of attraction is the hallmark of the aspec

what you want in a relationship does not need to correlate to your orientation, but what you are describing sounds a lot like a type of queerplatonic relationship!! a qpr is a relationship that isn't romantic, but isn't platonic either, and is usually intimate and/or committed.

in a similar vein, what you want out of your sex life doesn't necessarily translate to your orientation. what you're describing could be labeled with sex indifferent, if you would like

hope this helps! <2

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

i stuck it on the aspec flag to make it more blog-specific (and to separate us from @questioning-culture-is) !

is there a flag for someone who is not sure about their gender identity AND their sexuality?

howdy! mod amaranth here

so it appears that there isn't an official flag for questioning at all? i'm not actually very well versed in flags, and this info is from a quick cursory google search, so i think i'll leave this one to the community!!