seraphposting

[seraphposting]

I'm dirty, I'm dirty, always begging for affection, always searching for love. I need someone to hold me, I need someone to kiss me and caress me, I need to be someone's first choice, being called "love" and I would call it them back.

I need to be touched, to wash their disgusting hands, tongues, lips, from my body, to feel safe in someone's arm in an intimate moment.

I don't want to be alone, always begging for everything. I need love, please god I need love. I can't take this anymore, I can't take being cold anymore, I need someone's hands on me to keep me warm. I'm so tired.

[seraphposting]

I hate how much my life revolves around my loved ones while obviously this sentiment will never have a correspondence.

I mean, I do not want that for them. I want them to be able to fulfill their lives without the necessity to depend on someone for their emotional needs.

Most other people have hobbies, interests, ambitions, goals.

I'm devoid of them. The only thing that makes me cling to this place is the possibility to stay with them.

But they have other things in order to fulfill their lives. They will go away, for the better. I cannot burden their lives with the enormous weight of my problems. They deserve better.

TW: graphic mention of an attempt

Some days ago I tried to cut my neck because of one of my part. I went to the hospital but the psychiatrist just duplicated the dose of my meds.

I will never get better, every day a new harmful obsession.

[seraphposting]

血まみれの　口づけをください

Please give me kisses smeared with blood.

[seraphposting]

For most of my life I was a loner.

I didn't have anyone; I didn't have myself either.

I craved humans's warmth, connection.

I couldn't bear the coldness of my skin. This led me to the worst pitfall. Layers of cold skin overlap while I fell deeper in my own loneliness.

Until I found it.

...

[seraphposting]

Got diagnosed with DID some days ago, after a diagnostic process.

Until I took the tests, I never ever suspected it.

There was a large part of anamnesis and my story was taken seriously for once. It was nice.

Then boom. DID. What the fuck.

I know that I have a regressed part of me, a rageful one, a lustful one, a part that considers itself as above me and forces me to hurt myself.

But I briefly knew them, and I thought that they were only mood changes, age regression and maybe, for the prosecutive part, delusions.

I never expected this.

What should I do?

[seraphposting]

Why is my kind of love an excruciating lingering for the other's affection? Why do I need to be constantly reassured that they don't leave, that they won't hurt me, that they will stay with me until I die?

Am I a trap? Like a sweet flytrap who doesn't let you go and slowly absorb you in their organism.

I mimicked all the behavior of the people around me, even some traits of my abusers, like the way they speak or some jokes.

Who am I?

A blank state? A rabid animal? The product of my assaults? Or just a little kid?

Why do I call them "mom", in my head? Why do I keep talking with them inside my mind?

I'm just longing for a deep connection, or I just want to be nurtured?

[seraphposting]

The roots of my illnesses are like the roots of my hair.

I will no longer cut it up, I will let them grow like me, I will heal with them.

[seraphposting]

TW: coCSA, SA, sh, ed, suicide, disturbing topics.

This is my version of Motel 6 by Ayesha Erotica.

Thirteen I had my first friend

He was the only person whom I depend

Clingy as hell to my bestie

Acting all angry and edgy

I was wrong for that

He blackmailed me for dirty pictures

Left me alone, while my grip on life flickered

Fourteen hit like a brick

The scarf on my neck was tight and thick

Sixteen, my hallucinations became clear

Locked in my room, I could feel it whispering in my ear

Used by a guy who I thought was the light of my life

Treated like a pet, now only violence make me wet.

Late night, while I banged my fists on my head

The wicked sense of dread

My life was hung by thread

The need to feel my body shred.

Eighteen, I was free but just from him

Another guy took his place, I became grim

And I know I was dim

But I couldn't help but give my body, still slim.

Nineteen, found hanging in my apartment

Going back and forth from the psych department

Gained 44 pounds, I was trying to recover

But I thought I just wanted a real lover

Two years later, with friends that I love

They are my sparks, my light and my dove.

Maybe for now I will not go

I don't wanna say: "see ya!"

Yes this song's for Seraph

[seraphposting]

My queer journey

TW: mention of transphobia, CSA and SA.

6-8 years old | she/her ally

Growing up with queer media like Steven Universe and Avatar: The Legend of Korra, and having early access to the internet, I became familiar with different queer realities. At first I didn't understand, I remember when on an Avatar Facebook page I asked: "why are Korra and Asami girlfriends?" and, after the explanation, I accepted without problems.

I was an atypical child in his imposed femininity, although not sexualized.

I doesn't remember if I felt good in my body, but probably not because of bullying.

Also, I didn't have "crushes" other than superficial things to try to be like the others.

8-12 years old | she/her bisexual

As I explored more queer spaces, I realized that I had feelings for the girls in the cartoons I watched. So, once I understood what a bisexual was, I thought I was one too.

I hated my body, bullies made me feel bad about every flaw, including the supposed flaw of being too masculine.

I didn't have "crushes" for anyone during this time, except fictional characters. I was called trans as an insult, and not knowing what that meant, I cried.

But that was a premonition.

13-15 years old | she/her lesbian

The years of angst began, after having poorly processed the family traumas and the bullying I had suffered. I developed a huge "crush" on the only person who showed me affection and my feelings were strong. That person was a girl, and I no longer had thoughts about others, so I thought I was a lesbian. Unfortunately she refused, but the belief remained.

I hated my body so much that I wanted to peel my face off with acid. My thought of being a lesbian also arose from wanting to be perceived as masculine as well as because of the "crush".

The first sexual traumas began to make their way, such as blackmail from my first "friend" or from a classmate

16-18 years old | they/them aroace

In the clutches of my first abuser, I dissociated my gender and sexuality as a coping method. I was non-binary, aroace. I thought that being a neutral being would save me, would spare me. I felt bad about my body, I felt bad about being seen sexually by someone. So I had to escape.

This is the point where I was closest to my current identity, however I felt discordance between it and the way I was treated and the idea that I had made of myself: "useless cumdump".

I didn't understand what I was, my sexual desire was at an all-time low except to please my abuser, where I behaved differently.

19-20 years | he/they bi-asexual

Fuck what I've said so far. The void left by the abuse made me extremely hungry for contact and affection, that I mistook it for sex, even though at the same time I repudiated it, in an ambivalent relationship with my second abuser and with myself.

I understood that I was a non-binary boy, but something still didn't add up. My asexuality was discordant with my hypersexuality and sexual addiction that led me to an indescribable disgust for myself. I dressed masculine, even if elegantly, because I was rather dysphoric, especially after certain comments made about my body by this abuser.

now | they/them aroace-spec

I think I've finally come to a conclusion. I'm a non-binary guy and I've never really had crushes or sexual interest.

What I've always wanted was a platonic relationship that transcended everything, a love without ulterior motives.

I've been growing my hair for a while now, as a sign of my desire to heal, which is still far away, and as a sign that I'm no longer afraid of external femininity.

My clothes are also more feminine.

I hope to free myself from sexual intrusive thoughts and be able to live a life full of love.

[seraphposting]

i'm literally the priest's favorite sacrificial lamb because i am so docile and sweet and i hold very still when they put the rope around my neck and i trot along so happily while they lead me to the altar and they do not even have to tie me down because i lie so very still and only bleat once or twice in my lovely lamb voice and when the knife comes down it cuts through me like butter and i offer no resistance and i bleed so prettily all over my new white wool and my guts all unspool like the most beautiful shining yarn and my eyes are animal and dumb and hold no accusation and every time i die i come right back as another little lamb because the priest loves me so so much and he always chooses me for the sacrifice every time and he always places one hand on my small and twitching nose to calm me while he lifts the knife and he doesn't do it for the other lambs only me because i'm his favorite

[seraphposting]

Questioning my romantic orientation right now.

Is it my disorder and trauma or I truly feel romantic attraction?

[seraphposting]

Me if you even ask.

[seraphposting]

Hi there! I'm Seraph. The bunnyboy himself. This is my new blog, yippie!

In this place I will basically bunnypost, I talk about my kins, angel-core things, music and things I like (like my friends!!!)

But probably I will vent a lot, with the proper trigger warning: (cocSA, SA, sh, ed, attempts.)

I'm a transmasc non-binary person (I'm basically agender!). I'm aroace as well!

Typology

isfj SiFe IS(F) SEI

9w1(sx/sp)6w5(sp/so)4w5(sp/so)

FLEV³³³⁴ | R[L]u/A/I

mel-phleg | neutral good

My Kins

Core: Basil (Omori) Aiko Tanaka (Oyasumi PunPun) Shigeo Kageyama (Mob Psycho 100)

High: Asriel & Chara (Undertale) Noelle Holiday (Deltarune) Sunny (Omori) Anya (Mouthwashing)

Casual: Near (Death Note)

Otherkins: bunny, angels.

My Interests

Anime and manga

One Piece, Mob Psycho 100, Banana Fish, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Devilman Crybaby, Madoka Magica, Serial Experiments Lain, Death Note, Dungeon Meshi, Gintama, Jojo's Bizarre Adventures, Hunter x Hunter, Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood, Attack on Titan, Dororo, Slam Dunk, Perfect Blue, Oyasumi PunPun, The Summer Hikaru Died.

Games

Undertale, Deltarune, Omori, OneShot, OFF, Slay The Princess, Ace Attorney, Professor Layton, Pokémon, Animal Crossing, Minecraft, Fear & Hunger, Ultrakill, Mouthwashing.

Books

I Have no Mouth and I Must Scream, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Perfume, No Longer Human, A Little Life, Mysterious Skin.

Music

Favourite genres

Nu Metal, Shoegaze, alternative Rock, alternative Pop, Breakcore, Vocaloid

Favourite bands and artists

Deftones, System of a Down, Radiohead, The Cure, The Smiths, IDKHOW, Glass Animals, Machine Girl, Femtanyl, Stomach Book, Mitski, Bôa, Alex G, Jack Stauber, Toby Fox.

Other

animals (for the most part bunnies, goldfish and mice), angelology, my friends <3, psychology, typology.

Diagnosis

Autism

Cyclothymic disorder

Generalized anxiety disorder

Social Phobia

C-PTSD

DID

[seraphposting]

becoming an adult cheat sheet!

learn to coupon

what to do when you can’t afford therapy

cleaning your bathroom

what to do when you can’t pay your bills

stress management

quick fix meals

find out if you’re paying too much for your cell phone bill

resume workshop

organize your closet

how to take care of yourself when you’re sick

what you should bring to a doctor’s appointment

what’s a mortgage?

how to pick a health insurance plan

hotlines list

your first gynecology appointment

what to do if the cops pull you over

things to have in your car in case of emergency

my moving out masterpost

how to make friends as an adult (video)

how to do taxes (video)

recommended reads for surviving adulthood (video)

change a flat tire (video)

how to do laundry (video)

opening a bank account (video)

laundry cheat sheet

recipes masterpost

tricks to help you sleep more

what the fuck should you make for dinner?

where should you go for drinks?

alcohol: know your limits

easy makeup tips

find seat maps for your flight

self-defense tips

prevent hangovers

workout masterpost

how to write a check

career builder

browse careers

birth control information

financial management software & app (free)

my mental health masterpost

my college applications masterpost

how to jumpstart a car

sex ed masterpost