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[sillybanter]

Time

Time is Such a luxury

Sorry work has taken so much of me

I know it must suck to be

Wearing a ring

but never able to see

the one who gave you the thing

Nothing to say

but constantly overthink

do you even like me

why do I even write these

little poems

will they ever become songs?

I don't know I'm

trying to be strong

but feel so depleted

I don't mean to alarm

but I think I might be defeated

by my own thoughts

that's why I put them down so you can read them

but when I rehearse these verses

I swear it just enforces these feelings

but how will I ever beat them

if I don't ever release them

which just increases the anxiety

bury it deep inside of me

every once in awhile I feel finally

I'm getting somewhere

then once I get a smile

on comes that desperate despair

It just isn't fair

don't I deserve a little happiness

after all the crap I've lived

But I don't even try

I buy into my own lies

it's not working it's not worth it

it's too hard it's too far out of reach

you won't reach anyone with this type of speech

What did you even believe

that you were going to be

Just bury it down in the Deep

depths where you don't even creep

oh now you want to Peak

well strap into your seat

I'll show you the things that I actually think

then my brain halts and lets out a screech

thoughts pause not a word I can speak

I don't know how to bring us peace

When I can't even piece

My seams without a crease

I promise I'm trying for alignment

but I'm lying I'm sorry for the silence

I'm trying I'm trying to stop us from dying

but it coaxes me into hiding

and focusing on the sirens

Silence silence I need some silence

fine it's not going to come without some violence

behind my eyelids

but this time it's time to find Bliss

but whenever I get on that precipice

the devil presses lips

against my lobe to whisper shit

to get me to tick

Then this serpent spits

Venom at you but you don't deserve it

but I get caught in this whirlwind

where my head Swirls and Spins

Forcing it, to forge a whip

To rip into skin

Of my own or that of kin

A mental vatacan

Drowning in a river and

To fend against

It's own volition

But Nick the mission

Is to take this

And create intentions

And wrestle with

That restless, tension

Til its not so relentless

But how do you release yourself from the sentence

You imprisoned yourself in

You need to thank that hopeless road

For the dark and cold

For what it's brought and shown

For life grows from mold

You gotta take that bacteria

From black interior

And feeling inferior

With lasting hysteria

To let love be steering ya

Look into the mirror the

Man in there

Might be lost and scared

But until that is repaired

You can't truly be here

Where our hearts are paired

But I don't think you understand

My mind doesn't seem to work for me

why don't you just up and leave

cuz I don't believe I'll ever get these thoughts to seize

but darling please believe

I'm trying to create a space

where we can both breathe in peace

hun you need to do that for you

stop worrying about me

I know you're just trying to help

but you need to find love within yourself

Or you'll never awake into your dreams

I think we can both agree

That you're your own worst enemy

I know, you're right

But I don't want to stop and fight

For I'm unwilling to sacrifice

And lack a vice

Crack knuckles pause to write

But never lead with that advice

Even though I'll read, and open twice

How many times have we been back to this open mic

I just hope you know you're the love of my life

can we just lay and hold each other in sight

right now I'm losing the fight

Of keeping my eyelids open tonight

so I like you a little, I love you a lot

I hope your dreams are the most beautiful of thoughts

tomorrow I'll try to live all these things that I jot

thank you for letting me get this s*** off my chest

of course darling I love you too get some rest

[sillybanter]

Abstract raps

These thoughts are yelling

No caution telling

Me falsifying

Truths that lose

My heart inside of me

It beats a frequency

That peaks in secrecy

I seek a consistency

Of peace and serenity

Hoping they'll remember me

Choking please severe the

Several things

That level me

Need centering

To enter me

Secondly can we

Just seperate

This desperate weight

That segragates

My consciousness

And what I contemplate

Wouldn't that be great

Talk a lot go shot for shot

They not guna stop

They wrote the plot

That soaks us in frost

Told the cold

To mold the road

but these voices give me choices

that force me from focusing on the sources

Of peace in me at least I speak

in ways that keep the Bleak

treatments from creeping

I can think of at least a dozen reasons

to believe in self-healing

but they keep on reeling me in

stealing my grins

dealing in sins

reaping My Skin Within

then it seems my pen descends

and lends amends

from the tenseness in my chest

by confessing the Relentless mess inside my head

so when I write these lists

the affection is missed

and I sound like a pessimist

in all these sentences

I guess that's what happens when you're Dementors are perfectionists

so these infections just need a certain inflection of attack

to get a connection with these abstract raps

and the boys just laugh

shut the fuk up

I'm doing this for me not the choreograph

Ya Nick just keep telling yourself that

acting like you're not doing it for a platinum plaque

and a pat on the back

like yeah that kid can rap

in fact I bet you're just doing it for your ego and the C notes

no that's a trap

I know when you enact down that path

you're met with raw Wrath

and no check can't resolve that

and that Flex will dissolve fast

if you let it take control of your whole stash

you need reserves to learn how to turn on your souls path

stop acting like you're a peach

you don't even practice what you preach

don't capitalize on your reach

ignore what life does teach

sabotage collapse then repeat

you are more than what Karma breeds

but no more than the air you breathe

what is that supposed to mean

stop expecting an injection of dopamine

everytime you invent a sentence that sounds so clean

yeah I see what you're saying

Lose the expectation of what people are playing

you don't have to be entertaining

you just have to enter aiming

at the center of your pain see

then maybe you can crop angles and attack tracks

and be more than just a lost angel spitting abstract raps

[sillybanter]

We Are They

Sitting in a country where I can say this shit

so then why you bitching save it Nick

cuz there's people who get equalized if they say this shit

get thrown down to the pavement

children receive abandonment issues

no tissues just a box with bars

filled with infants and children

this sickness is building

wearing hats to mask their hate

we're trapped on a map of pain

kidnapped families no longer intact yet we blame

the brown or the black and the ones who rap they try to tame

to dumb down the whole crowd with what they say

but who is they who is they

they the ones you lock us up

so the cops or what?

no it's bigger than that

just look at the last

few hundred years or so

they view us as chemicals to blow

so they capture and control

and say there's only two sides to a poll

it's only black or white day or night

no Dawn or dusk no love just lust

they paint a picture of life for us

but who is they Nick who is they

it's insane they made us this way

teach us to vacate any play

Then Make Way for mental strain

then say that's not a disease that's a disorder

try some lemon water

and try to Harbor

all those feelings inside

cuz it really ain't kind

to bother people with the problems in your mind

and listen to what you're taught

it's not big business it's the consumer's fault

wait a minute stop just halt

turn left, eyes straight, heart to your palm

tone deaf heartbreak, just sing along

over the intercom

we hear a familiar song

then crackling and a boombox

and hear an MC say something to the effect of

the ones with locks are the ones who's lost

we are the key to our freedom

so let's stand up and beat them

then a shot rang and everything went a Fray

and a voice Echoes

who is they who is they

they're our deepest darkest thoughts

the ones we put on Ice to frost

they're the ones who make us feel like a zero in our Glory

cuz we need a villain to be the hero of Our Own Story

what if the love made the hate

cuz the world needs a duality

what if the only way to truly be safe

is to embrace our savagery

by reaping by speaking our thoughts

by not keeping our feelings in the dark

I think we may all be better off

if we stop letting the camera crop

and understanding everything that we hate

breaks away and manifests to a face

and understand when I say

that we are they we are they

[sillybanter]

Well, here we are

With you I'm never solo

but sometimes you got me feeling so low

and other times as high like I'm touching the sky line

but most days are in the in between

and I put that on me

cuz I've become numb to the drums of life

so unwilling to sacrifice

not bare but also not quite there

like I'm living a cutscene that has no importance

like worthless words scribbled on the surface of a fortress

want to find my purpose and be of service

but I constantly just draw the curtains

cuz the lights too bright to let it all in and take in the site

cuz I've bitten down on the forbidden fruit

but the sucrose started rotting my tooth

but with closer inspection

I see it's the direction in which I choose

to perceive that makes me believe

that my day is decaying

but if I never lost hope

maybe I'd see it's creating a compost

to allow the new roots to shoot and Blossom

to what I need most

but my mind doesn't work like that

I don't see the cheese I see the Trap

a defense mechanism

that only has me seeing the cataclysm

a rope and the bleakest visions

rather than a toast to a heathen risen

and I know this all

but I never heed the call

rather allow the ringing that prickling pinging

become inconceivable

to the naked ear

till I seemingly never hear

until you make it clear

that I've been dwelling under the atmosphere

when I could have been up in the clouds with you all along

like you found the chords for the perfect song

while I'm focused on the tyrannical lyrics

that pierce through the sincerest

when I could be just enjoying the orchestra in its purest, form

without any words torn

through the music that was lucid born

maybe I need a crown of thorns

or to reveal my horns

or just release the attachment of Good and Evil

and realize everything is equalized

when I finally f****** open my eyes

and heart and start to get out of my mind

and be here now

living in this moment

that was so beautifully chosen

But very rarely am I holding

That notion while it's here,

In motion

Its like not seeing the ocean

Past the waves

The forest through the trees

See the leaves break,

But never feel the breeze

Except for those moments in between

when you breathe and release

you know that Split Second of peace

where all is nothing and nothing is all

just silence between your ears and behind your eyelids

where it feels like your body may or may not exist

as if your feet could just lift

and your flesh could just float away

that right there that's where I want to stay

play in the Bliss

but to stay like this

you got to suffocate

So eventually you break and take a breath

then forget the rest

just toxic oxygen ingest

Until you realize you're back in a cycle of being depressed

and have to wake up all over again

then I look at you my friend

and apologize for complicating and monetizing our time

and you just sigh and say well here we are

then I go to complain about the day

then stop smile and laugh at my Ridiculous Ways

that have come so far

and just repeat what you say

well, here we are

[sillybanter]

Lost Angel

No I can't hear you

I'm lost in the dark

this is the real you

here in your thoughts

no I don't fear you

a demon you're not

Look in the mirror you're

an angel who's lost

We got this idea of Who we are Who we'll be and what we lost

from a young age I had these thoughts of who I am and what I'm not

But now I'm tired of being caught in the dark to create this art

So I look up at the stars and get brought back to my deepest scars

Wait no that's not what I want

don't no wait f****** please God

My eyes glaze over I no longer See Stars

just feel the weight of many pounds crushing

Gray clouds roll in Imagine

This bright sunny July the 4th

dad's at work I was only 4

scrub the floor do the dishes

my hands are sore, you better listen

or behind that door you'll get a christening

Snapback from that vision

I don't need to see no more

I already lived it

voice telling me to stay the course

You gotta revisit to release this tension

I breathe close my eyes

nearly fall asleep half yawn

open them again I'm 4 years old mowing the damn lawn

wrist grabbed and twisted

do you know what you did wrong?

Stop, paused

Palms are sweating

Stay calm and collected

I need to see this to get over it

Next few moments were so sobering

Want to pull the covers up over me

I shouldn't have to tell you three, times

To do this list line by line

Get your ass inside

You know what happens when you pay no mind

Stop your cryin' dry them eyes

Put a lid on it

She 'bout to put a grin on sins

Do you know why this is happening?

Yes ma'am, I was misbehaving again

Now go up into bed,

And strip down to just a smile

I'll be up in a little while

Race up stairs, lock the door

So fucking scared, don't want no more

Key unlocks light has torn

Her hands are warm

in my head there's a storm

in the bed there are thorns

the corners become distorted

my mind blacks out until it is morning

can't feel the details

but still I'm in morning

just flashbacks every once in awhile

of her and that evil smile

hands bound mouth gagged

don't scream you'll wake Dad

alarm beeps I'm intact

but when I sleep my dreams enact

a reaction to shutter when the demons are cackling

I'm starving for the truth I'm not fasting

but I no longer want to pursue the Noose that has me lacking

02 in the tube behind my tooth I'm done asking

I'm resting and practicing forgiveness

so Stacy thanks for the lesson

but this is no longer my burden to bear

I'm sure your pain is far harder to wear

and mother and father please don't you dare

blame yourselves for the lack of help for I didn't share

until it was too late to take action

and hey maybe I wouldn't have this passion

if it wasn't for the rape

and yeah I'm fine thanks for asking

cuz I know only love is Everlasting

but due to this infliction

I've lost my direction

and I think you can tell by my blank expression, that

No I can't hear you

I'm lost in the dark

this is the real you

here in your thoughts

no I don't fear you

a demon you're not

Look in the mirror you're

an angel who's lost

I am not holy

please do not hold me

No, I am not holy

I'm lost in the dark

lost in the dark

here in my thoughts

a demon I'm not

I'm an angel who's lost

an angel who's lost

an angel who's lost

I'm an angel who's lost

An angel who's lost

An angel who's lost

I am not holy

Please somebody hold me

I need someone to hold me

Cuz I'm not the whole me

Can somebody show me

The way from the dark

[sillybanter]

No Ledge

There is no ledge to knowledge

and I'm going to solve this

with no politics just monoliths

spoken in present tense

all people are Heaven Sent

so why do we dwell in a hell that's imaginative?

Let's start a pageant for pagans

save these people from Steeples

no A list or slums

we've come to be equals

my heart trembles and my muscles tense all

at the start of the Star-Spangled

no Halo no horns

but I feel those rose thorns

tightening as my throat pours

words that form Love chords

cuz I've sworn to never again raise a fist

rise to my feet and speak what it is

preach what I live

And feast with the kids

that get the least nourishment

punishments that don't match the crimes

that could bring tears to Poseidon's eyes

Tides rise and the sun hides

as the hydes of the Immigrant

get shaved and used as a filament

that paves the way of the pilgrimage

to enslave and rape all the children

I don't know what this feeling is

but I could forgive it all if we just end this shit

the Filthy Rich are in need of a cleansing

a broken heart that's in need of amending

so I'm sending you all my love

cuz enough is enough

it's time to break the chains

of your ancestral hate

as we sit here and wait

for you all to spiritually awake

Then we could all sit in peace on the beach

and watch as the waves break

take it back take it back

I just want to take all the pain I've caused in my past

I'm sorry to all the people I've wronged or attacked

I was Tangled with a map

entrapped on a path

to react with raw Wrath

but I hope we can all laugh

when we look back on the facts

that we are all just masks and mirrors

to what are Spirit need

fear and bravery tis of thee

I am the water the fire

the mother the daughter

the Son and the father

the light and The Darkest Hour

the weak have the power

so stand up and we can shower the cowards

with love within the minute

sit with it and diminish this

banquets of anguish

the band quits

and plays from Where the Heart hits

we can infinitely relinquish this

with a snap of the fingertips

[sillybanter]

My grandfathers lilac

Nothing is sacred

Burn the earth

Until it is naked

[sillybanter]

Capsized

We keep on revving it up

is love really enough

maybe we red lined

we can't keep going this fast

or we are bound to just crash

baby we redlined

Put a patch on this Sail

to pretend we won't fail

maybe we'll capsize

we have lost all our wind

we should just call it quits

baby before we capsize

Your Love came in waves

floating on air waiting for the break

floating there you came

and I never knew whether I'd be deserted drowning in Mourning

if you'd be calm or destructive each morning

but I was certain that with the passing tides

that you'd inevitably be mine

but under the moonlight I'd lose my

might to fight the creatures

that crept under your righteous surface

at one point I'd say it was worth it

but now on this boat as I choke

feeling worthless

as I've worn this red flag

the warning that me is what you'd be harming

your disarming nature

that I seemed to favor

you could have been my savior

All I needed was a piece of your mind

my devices you left me to mine

indecisive I capsized

I washed ashore and formed

a new reason to be alive

and this time

it has nothing to do with your sea of lies

See I despise the idea that I relied

on your kindness but behind it

was a motive a motor that revved

and left me tone deaf

a two-seater with a broken heater

and no room for my baggage

just a trunk full of broken parts and stolen art nothing lavish

the first aid kit in the passage

I thought may have a bandage

for the wounds that had been created from my past

but you kept driving faster and faster until we passed it

and that exhaust burnt

for when you turned

I realized it was a strong engine in which I yearned

but yours was loud but not strong

for the black cloud came out of the wrong

End the steel had twisted and bent

for you neglected the engine and ran it into the soil

for when it only yearns for a cap size of oil

I thought you were loyal

due to the storage of broken parts

but that was ignorance they were broken hearts

and I'm no longer ignoring this

this is the beginning to my new start

We keep on revving it up

is love really enough

maybe we red lined

we can't keep going this fast

or we are bound to just crash

baby we redlined

Put a patch on this Sail

to pretend we won't fail

maybe we'll capsize

we have lost all our wind

we should just call it quits

baby before we capsize

[sillybanter]

Shadow battle

I'm lost in my thoughts

as the light turns to dark

it's a fight from the start

To try to gaze at the stars

but A maze comes across

and takes all that I got

not to trace the words that hurt

but complacency begins to jot

and entrances me in improp-er fonts

then in comes the songs

send through an intercom

through the fog's

that bog down my inner calm

and bombs with all the wrongs

brought upon by my lungs

through my tongue

the lies that hide the strums

that string me along

but alas I'm past the point of caring

so appoint the tearing

To hoist and be bearing

all the poison I've been fearing

and even through my humdrum tone

it'll come as I loathe

and pulls me through the tolls

bloodied and battered

in tattered clothes

and shows me what it knows

of my inner heathen by beating

me while I'm dreaming with my inner demons

they laugh and cackle

as I get lashed and Shackled

some supervise While others crucify

until my innocence finally dies

So here I am trying to compromise

what has already been caught in my mind's

bloodshot eyes must not forgot the I's

whether it's a letter or a tether

doesn't make it right or make my writings any better

so I'll continue to swelter in the humid weather

although inhumane to my better, half

my task is to keep this Persona, my mask

attached until I'm a goner and the facts

enact their Birthright Pact

to insert my spine back to back

and inverts my brain

and inserts a change

Til my invertebrae

inadvertently preys

all that leads me astray

I just hope all that I love stays

until the day that I win this battle

between me and my shadow

[sillybanter]

Rings

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed

I don't know maybe it's just all in my head

but I got up without the slightest of thread

Of patience my emotions laced in hatred

first hour or so wasted

can't get out of my own way so I bend it

all that pent in this venting

just stores up the heat Within

until my demons Den even got them sweltering

I can't f****** win

no control my souls on overload

so I just rehearse what I've already been told

I'm just digging up seeds that had already been sewed

kicking up leaves that had started to decompose

but I can't compose my beliefs

into something I can hold it's Out Of Reach

I push and pull but only get grief

why can't I write a speech that fixes it all

a stanza to teach my cruxes to resolve

how much is this going to revolve this year

why climb the stairs is it me or them that's in need of repairs

clear the phlegm and stare without tears

where does it stem all of my fears?

is it not enough to tear through my basement

do I have to share with the public

all the pain in my stomach

or should I keep it 100

When I speak on a Beat

even then it seems it seeps

leeks finds a breech

in the prison I keep

my Consciousness hostage in

but it's exhausting to find what's lost again

and again and again

even if I claim to have found what pounds in my head

will I have the stamina to go through the rounds that ring while I'm in bed?

[sillybanter]

Emerging poets 2018

Hello lovelies! I’m not sure how many of you know that I was published in a poetry book last year for the second year in a row! Well now I’m able to make some commission off that book and would love if you guys could support! I only have one poem in there but there are (I believe) hundreds of other talented poets in there as well! use this link in order for me to get commissioned! I’m out of a job right now and trying to make some extra cash while searching for a job so I’d really appreciate anything! Thanks in advance!!!! <3 http://www.zpublishinghouse.com?rfsn=2163927.0c2ea (The book is called EMERGING POETS OF CALIFORNIA 2018)

[sillybanter]

Red Beard

Lets do some deductions

Fluctuate the construction

Of an ill conceived nation

Pacing back and forth

Not north west or south

With the help of a well

To dwell in

A mastermind turned felon

Above it all just soaring

Coordinates are horrid

Tear drops are pouring

Foreign help, did you miss me?

Back from the grave, are you listening?

Blistering cold, oxygen is low

Suffocating surrounded by stones

Time shows nothing but bones

And a little girl all alone

In the clouds. Bellowing smoke

On the phone as she spoke

She doesn't know where to go

This time her mind is out of control

Pulled to the conclusion

She's nothing but a lucid

Illusion

But the fluids are strewing

Brewing up a homicide

As you cried

Over your brothers life

A sacrifice in vain

By a game played

By a gifted dame

Dont be afraid to walk in the shade

Of the beech tree come find me

Before the east winds blow

And down and under brother

We go

None will hear his shrills

Over my fearful hills

Who now will find him

Why, nobody will

A song to leave chills

Using none but riddles

The watery grave fills

And saves none, but one does it kill

[sillybanter]

Late October

During a stale dark night, a black veil lurks in sight

An ominous cloud assurts dominance, solely allowed

Under its watchfulness stay positive, the opposite of obedience

Yes I'm seeing it in front of me, its something to see

Leaving an indecency in the air, but I don't scare easily

Its freezing as I clean, and clear the room

Surely the meaning of fear, will it die soon?

It looms over, late october, sharp teeth, cold feet, lost all physical heat

Just a sheet between me and deceit

Shall I leave and accept defeat

Or heave and achieve relief so I can sleep

Agreed, indeed that routine would be supreme,

But I may lack needed self esteem

To over come the dementors in my dreams

Seems we've come to a stand still

Its be much easier to down a sleeping pill

Will is being put to the test,

But I just want some rest

Under this crescent moon

Soon we will end this festering

By either censoring the severing

Or backing down and surrendering

Need centering to enter me

A bright light in the middle of a dark night

Source of my warmth

And it is of course

Just a lost soul

Looking for a home

Or meaning for being

But I need it to be leaving

I'm speechless not screaming

Need to find what i lack

As I hear a severe snap

A crack

Like bone against stone

I see marrow and blood

Being torn out of some

Feathered beast

Can you set me free

From this terrible dream

The demon looks up at me

Showing an array of gangly teeth

With shards of flesh in between

I want to scream

But I hold my ground

It makes a gurgling sound

And spits out

Livers like sunflower seeds

While mung water seeps

Out the holes

Where its eyes should be

Windows to the soul

Has left this beast

It feasts on fear

So I make it appear

As I have none to find

He tries and lets out a cry

Before taking off to the skies

And I'm able to breath

And see it was all but a dream

But my eyes were open,

I probably shouldn't speak of what I've seen

So ill leave this in my make believe

File in my brain

That piles up with insane

Account which could amount

To me being pronounced

A skitzophrenic or a manic

So I lock it away in a panic room

Encased in a tomb

That'll hopefully never bloom

And see the light of day

Either way

The remembrance of that day

Still set my emotions a fray

[sillybanter]

Exhausted

Im exhausted

I've exhausted all my time over this

I've lost it, my blossoming bliss

To the point where i wonder if I'd even be missed

I try to be cautious, but its daunting the abyss

That holds me, and shows me why I should just quit

I try to hold back the leaks from my eyes

That soaks my sheets as I cry

The heat from my head

Only is released when I'm in bed

But I can't pretend its not also where I mend

From what has been said

From those who may or may not be my friends

Wish I could send it all in a wisp of the wind

But it comes back to me time and time again

Sit in silence and render up a speech

Hopefully, eventually it will reach

A better mind set if I don't get

Taken under siege

From the darkness that lingers underneath

I could possibly be a better me

If I could get some restful sleep

And dream peacefully

But I've exhausted all my options

I've lost them to the deep

And I don't know where to seek

Piercing eyes that don't appear alive

Will peak

From the blackness under my mattress

And say you belong to me

So exhausted I will stay

For at least another day

[sillybanter]

Shower thoughts

I go in slow and strip

Reach for the knob and slip

Clip my head on the railing

Laugh even simple tasks I'll be failing

Crank it up

Water floods the tub

Takes a few for it to be warm enough

Long hard day ending peacefully

Clean up quickly

Then

Scorch my shoulders

As butterfly thoughts take over..

Analytical over my hypocrisys

Hypercritical over political policies

But what are these

Without looking at my own catastrophes

Like telling gravity

To stay the hell away from me

Its clear I tear

myself I'm hypocritical

Cynical don't want to be the pit fall

Of my own dreams and desires um

But I scream as I fly right by them

And lean in towards the fire then

Cause a bend, a kink

In my chain that's linked

So I pause to ponder

Get lost as I think

In the blink of an eye

I sink skin deep and cry

Over the lies I've dealt

To this human pelt

That's glaring at me from the mirror on my shelf

Oh,

I'm just staring at a fearful image of myself

It can't be, of course it is

That's me? With the wrinkles around his orifices

With the hate and shame so disproportionate

Spreads blame, of course he did

To those who dealt in mortgages

To hide the shadows of his own worthlessness

So he lays flame to feel more apart of this

Ever impeding existence

Pissed at those

So he has a fist above his nose

A con making a list of pros

Of what continuing to be composed

Could do other than leaving his patience in overload

A broken soul

That won't fit their mold

can't do what his mind has told

Him since he was yay old

Looking for pay gold

Sifting through dirt, but only finds stones

That were thrown from those

Chanting in monotones

That's he'd be happier if he let the sticks break his bones

And get comfortable kneeling in front of the throne

Hone in on perspective time

Chime in on objective chatter

The people who matter don't mind

And the ones who mind don't matter

But who am I when my mind scatters

And my emotions become flatter

Than the paper in which I write upon

Only seconds have gone

Will this hour last forever

Or will my hour glass smash

And crumble to a powder

Can I expand outward

As far as I can inward?

Or will there always be a blockage

A blockade holding my consciousness hostage

I stop to attempt to get another train of thought

At this junction

So I can function

A much needed suction

A pull in the right direction

But this helps me write with conviction

So I might need this unrestricted conflict

To constantly constrict

My underappreciated sharp wit

Or possibly life is just what I see, and that's it

So many possibilities

And so few logical hypotheses

Maybe the answer will get closer

As I grow older

But the water is growing colder

my fingers are pruning

So maybe I should quit the assuming

Before the void devours

It has to have been nearly an hour

So I should probably get out of the shower.

[sillybanter]

Untitled

Ghosted myself for years

Didn't confess much less so in the mirror

Thought I could find the cure

At the bottom of a beer

Ended up drowning all my fears

But when I started searching for purpose

They just resurfaced more long winded than before

Scorn and torn to my core

Mourned the day I was born

Though the score is even

There is much more game to be played before I am leaving

Heathen from the beatings

But now I am seeking

To be king of all I and seeing

Not fleeing from my problems

But

Lack of knowledge of those toxins

Left me nearly in my coffin

Was thoughtless

But now my foundation is solid

And im able to blossom

You cannot kill me

Fill me with hopes an dreams

Gather your ropes and schemes

Stab me, choke and scream

Belittle my entire reality

You can not crush my self esteem

I am the steam I am the fire

I am the fuel all that's required

I am it all just observing from a single set of eye lids

But they are closed nearly half the time, shit

But if this is a dream what do I have to lose

I can fly, sing, dance, and move

In any way I can think or choose

I'm bound to break, so fuck the rules

This Mic ill take, and I will not lose

I have a ruthless obsession

Of cluelessly confessing

To the nuance of questions

That constantly have me second guessing

No discretion

I openly share my repressed

Memories of abuse and addiction

While i precisely oppress my digressions

Acting like they arnt a thing that's in my possession..

I truly need protection from myself, me and I

Why lie

It just elongates the time

That it takes for it all to resonate in the mind

Fine ill try to find it

The roots, the source

Of the pain that hurts

The blade that left theses open sores

Let it pour on the page

Dont let it come out in rage

Or caged up a brain incarcerated

Endless loops

Day after day

In fowl swoops

They play and they play

Soft as a coo

They stay in array

These voices they seem to want to lay

And make a nest

In the crest of my temporal lope

Making me feel sorrow and alone

These emotions grow

And creates a storm..

That's oh so cold

That traps me in my home

Where at least I feel warm

Sobriety nearly seems mythical

Its so difficult

And means different things from person to person

Its not unequivocal

But pertains to me so..

I remain to be whole..

And hold distain for my soul

Only hope is to find the beautiful parts

And make them into musical art

But its futile I'm lost

I just hope it doesn't cost me my heart

Which i wear on my sleeve

So if a needle sinks underneath

It can still breath

But I must leave this here

All night long

Naked til dawn

Seemingly like this untitled song

[sillybanter]

Resistance #1

My responsibility

Is my ability to respond

Consciously to the alarming states

The ego makes

To hesitate in an irrational place

That the I that's inside creates

The necessary peephole

That contains a mirror

Reflecting gods image

Which is your soul

That continues to get clearer

When you see yourself as a witness

God looking out at itself

One sits on a shelf

One stands offering help

A perplexing perspective

That points in all direction

Doesn't need to make sense

To sensate all our senses

Yet our brain fights against this

Confusing

That prostitution

Is considered bad

But the constitution

Which rarely had progress

And is restricted by congress

Is something we had to have

Enough to make one laugh

We're told to follow the staff

While the sword cuts us in half

The question is in the answer

Doesn't need to make sense

Its all just banter

Said I didn't have the answer

Victimless law breakers occupy

And multiply like cancer

And the cure is still schedule one

While they hand out methadone to kids just for having fun

Kids being kids

Drug em up cuz you can't get them to sit

Obedience is praised

So we light their wit like a wick

And burn down that shit

Hoping they don't notice it

Until they hooked on it

25 having depressive fits

Drinking every night

Fucking up your life

Working nine to five

Wishing you were no longer alive

This is the goal in which they strive

An empty shell is easy to control

So when you vote at the polls

You have hate in your souls

Mr. Rockefeller, did I come close?

To the threat you pose

Bet I nailed it on the nose

Left it bloody and broken

Like the citizens that you own

Let us borrow the land that you stole

And put out you hands

Offering us loans

While you destroy our childhood homes

Wake the fuck up

They just want some mindless clones

To do all their bidding

So they don't need to be forgiven

This life that you're living

Is what is willing to be given

Stand up and start thinking

The hatred you are spitting

Is feeding their systems

Humans were meant to be socialistic

Work as a tribe and we'll come to find

There is a balance in the indifference

Somewhere between holistic and scientific

Is life and its mistress