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[storytimewithsophie]

Accepting Change

I know a lot of my posts have been kinda dark, but my life has been dark recently. Losing a loved one is traumatic and theres no way to down play that. I'm seeing new insecurities and anxieties in myself that were never an issue previously. This event will be something that affects me for the rest of my life.

I'm ready to start change. I've been seeing my therapist, learning how to release that guilt, eating more regularly. It's hard to accept that my partner has changed but when I spend time with her i remember to be greatful and I see how happy she is. She was sick, very sick and very unhappy and theres not much I could have done to change that as much as I may have tried.

I'm taking each day one step at a time, making sure to put my needs first so I have more to give to things that are important to me. I'm relearning how to balance the important things in my life.

I am accepting change, and taking life one step at a time.

[storytimewithsophie]

To be Loved

TW: Suicide, Self Harm, Mental Health

I'm not even sure where to start honestly. Everything always feels like so much. I've talked a little bit about some of the trauma I've been through recently in my post, Guilt. It was something that I don't always realize the impact it has on me.

I'm sitting at home wondering why my mood changes so quickly, why I get so lost in happy thoughts. I cling to happiness like my life depends on it. I am a bit of a wreck. I put on this strong face like everything is okay meanwhile I feel like a brick wall that's crumbling, stone by stone. I don't know who to rely on, I don't know who to talk to. I know about therapists but I just... I don't know. I am longing for the type of relationship I had with my partner. There was no fear, no fear that I was ever too much or that I had to be a certain way with her.

Now I don't know who I am. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. I see the scars on my body and it makes me want to recreate them, over and over and over again. I know why I feel the way I do, I lost the love of my life, and it's terrifying. It's terrifying to put so much of myself into another person only for me to lose all of it all over again. I know I shouldn't have all my eggs in one basket but... I miss her. I was fine earlier, I was having a good time and whatever but suddenly it's like my entire brain is covered in thunderclouds. I want to be loved again, I want to be loved like how she loved me. I know there are people that love but I feel so lonely. She gave me everything I needed without ever having to ask. And now I'm too afraid to ask other people what I need because I'm scared.

I am terrified of losing people I love. I wasn't enough to keep from attempting her life, How do I stop losing other people too? There's one little mantra that I cling to;

Just Keep Swimming

[storytimewithsophie]

Some Things Never Change

I was listening to music again, of course, and it was actually from the movie Frozen 2 that inspired me. The first song is literally called "Some things never change" and it's pretty straightforward but in the movie, a lot of things change as she's singing this, anyway. It made me think about how scary change can be.

I have a few very close friends who I have known for 10+ years. Therres is always the scary thought of something changing and losing them or losing feelings. Feelings evolve but they don't often change. I've been struggling with the constant worry that feelings will fade away but if these feelings have lasted this long, I can trust that they will be there for many more years to come.

[storytimewithsophie]

Omelets are Religious

I work as a chef, specifically working breakfast. I love breakfast, it's underrated. You can wait up to 45 minutes for dinner but breakfast? nah you better have your food in 15 minutes or people get angry.

A skill we breakfast cooks need to have is a good french omelet. Glossy and smooth on the outside while buttery and creamy on the inside. they need to be perfectly yellow and soft as well as have an all-around smooth texture. That is the perfect omelet.

Sometimes it feels like the stars need to be aligned for your omelet to turn out well, the hardest part is consistency, making sure that each one is the same every time. That's probably the most difficult part of my job.

I'm not particularly religious but there has to be some sort of omelet God because I pray before each time I make one. I'm pretty good at what I do so I must be doing something right.

[storytimewithsophie]

Polyamory

Growing up I always had crushes on more than one person. Each person was so different and each had their own qualities that I admired. I just kinda figured it was normal and that when it came to dating someone I'd have to choose between them, dating more than one person wasn't really an option.

I had only been in monogamous relationships until about a year and a half ago. My boyfriend at the time and I had been dating for 3 years then decided to split and met other people. We realized we still wanted to be together so we decided to give poly a try.

Changing the mindset from monogamy to poly was really difficult. Of course, jealousy is there but it's about taking everyone into consideration and how you deal with that jealousy. I was the first person my ex had slept with so I knew that I wanted him to have more experiences. Of course, I felt jealous and it was hard for him to manage his time properly. Something my partner told me was that it was like comparing chocolate to candy.

"Each person has unique qualities. There are things your partner just can't get from you that other people can provide. It also means that you have unique qualities and abilities that no one else has."

Each person is special, including you. Being poly has helped me to better understand myself and how to have open communication. There is so much more I can say but you should go experience it yourself. Remember how special you are, and all the love you have to give and receive.

[storytimewithsophie]

Music Inspires

Music is something that has always inspired me, not just artistically but emotionally as well. I've been listening to Pentatonix at work this morning and a lot of the lyrics either bring back memories or strike strong emotions.

It makes me want to cry frankly, but not in a bad way. In a heart-wrenching heavy emotions cry and of course I'm at work feeling all these things. These lyrics are so beautiful, and I hope that it's not just me who feels so strongly when listening to these songs.

[storytimewithsophie]

To Panic, Or Not To Panic?

Fun fact: I have General Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

This means that I take medication every day to make my brain "do the thing" without panic. Something I have anxiety about? Choking while swallowing a pill. I've gotten better at it though that's for sure.

Having anxiety also means that a lot of things don't make sense and while I know logically it doesn't make sense, there's nothing I can do to stop it. If I have an event that I am already nervous about my anxiety likes to go "haha, Bet." and proceed to tell me every single thing that could go wrong, specifically targeting every one of my fears. Gotta love the human brain right?

In learning more about myself there are things that my anxiety has taught me. How to be prepared for unexpected situations is just an example. It makes me really in tune with myself and follow all the steps to get myself to calm down again. Think about every logical solution about why I shouldn't be freaking out about said thing.

Sometimes the process takes days, and sometimes it takes a few minutes. Reassuring myself and trusting the people around me are some of the best ways to combat my anxiety.

[storytimewithsophie]

Gender

This is a little story about gender and the biases that people have. I identify as female and work in a male-dominated industry. I've constantly been compared to the men in my field and feel like I need to prove myself every time I have the chance.

I remember one of my teachers, someone who was supposed to support me, telling me that I needed to go find a boy to help me carry something. I looked him straight in the eye and picked up two of the things I supposedly needed help with. Why is it that as a woman I am constantly being undervalued and underestimated? One of my bosses had told me that I was lucky that he let me be where I was because when he was my age, women were only doing the easy small jobs.

It's not just in my line of work, it is in my everyday life too. I was working on a wood project with my dad and me being inexperienced, messed up a few of the screws. Someone I knew at the time looked at me and said "Well you're a girl, of course, you would mess it up. This is a man's job." I tried to just laugh it off, not even understanding how to defend myself or why they said that in the first place. It takes a lot to make me angry and that night I was furious. I remember crying to my parents about how upset I was. My gender has nothing to do with my abilities and skills as a person.

My gender has nothing to do with my skills and abilities.

[storytimewithsophie]

Self Love

Im writing this today from work because I thought it was important. I'm listening to the song Flowers by Miley Cyrus. Everything she says is true, but I take in a bit of a different context. You /should/ love yourself better than another person can. You /should/ buy yourself flowers and all those wonderful things. Loving yourself should be your first priority.

I know its something I struggle with, always feeling I need someone else's love to feel worthy. The truth is that You are worthy, you are Enough. It's hard to believe when your brain tries to tell you otherwise but it's true. It's something I need to constantly remind myself, I am enough and I am worthy of love. I am worthy of self love.

Find things you enjoy, it doesn't matter if you're good at it. If it's something that makes you happy, it's more than enough. I love food and I love to cook. It's part of my love language. I love cooking for other people because I pour my heart into what I do and what I cook. Now, turn that love inward into myself. I want to cook meals that nourish my soul and my body. Pour all that love into myself and feel me at the very heart of it.

[storytimewithsophie]

Love, Simple Right?

There's something about love that makes you feel every emotion out there. Happy, sad, angry, fearful. Being in love can bring so much joy to someone's life, especially if the feeling is mutual. Having a person see all the good qualities in you, things you might not see yourself.

I recently felt a deep love for someone a little unexpected. It was short but I am grateful for every minute I got the spend with them. We kissed, danced, laughed, and enjoyed each other's company. There are a lot of feelings involved with this person, feelings that go as far back as being a teenager.

I like to describe it as a box of feelings. It was hidden in the deepest part of my heart for a long time, slowly gathering cobwebs and dust bunnies. When I would see them every few years it was like sunbeams illuminating this little box of feelings. it started as a little crush and then evolved to be so much more

There's nothing wrong with an unrequited crush as long as you go about it the right way. For example, stalking is not cool, but leaving little anonymous notes could be cute, it really depends on the person. We used to go for little adventures together, and long walks with a furry friend to help break any tension.

Love is important. Every kind of love, family love, friend love, work crushes, and soul mates. I believe I've found my soulmate but we will see where the future leads me. Simple, right?

[storytimewithsophie]

Guilt

Trigger Warning: Suicide

Today, Im talking about guilt. It's something I know I need to learn to live with but it is harder said than done. My partner recently had a suicide attempt and almost succeeded. They spent 48 days in the ICU and for the first month I didn't know if she was going to live or not.

Almost every day I think about that evening and how it happened. Their other partner had contacted me saying that she wasn't in a good mental space and that they didn't think she should be alone. I then got another message saying that my partner said goodbye to them and told them to say that she loved me.

I was sitting in a car, a car I had to return but I was there. I was right there and I did nothing. I pretended that everything was going to be okay. I was at the intersection where they lived and I saw the ambulance go by. I still did nothing. of course I was terrified but instead of action, I chose to turn a blind eye. I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive myself for that.

Everyone always says that there's nothing I could have done and that there's no way I could have known that she would go as far as she did. I did know, there are things I could have done. I could have rushed over to be with my partner, I could have returned the car, and then run straight back to her. I could have called her so she could hear my voice. My terrified brain told me to ignore the feeling of dread in my stomach.

I am so grateful that my partner is recovering. She's having to relearn everything from walking to eating. It's been about 3 months now and I am happy that she is slowly returning to herself, though I know that things will never be the same. Sometimes it feels like the guilt will eat me alive.

[storytimewithsophie]

About the Author

I am someone who has a lot of love to give. This blog is my version of self-love. Managing all the thoughts that go on in my head and sharing them with people who might be able to learn from my mistakes and experiences.

         My name is Sophie, I am 25 years old and currently live in Canada. I am a passionate person who is also emotional and headstrong. I am polyamorous, female, pansexual, and I use she/they pronouns.

        I have quite a bit of different life things that ill be sharing with you. This includes love, sex, food, feelings, friends, and how I deal with it all. This isn’t meant to be a bunch of cute little stories, this is me. Truly and honestly Me.

[storytimewithsophie]

I am not afraid to keep on living

Yesterday was a hard day. I spent most of my day thinking about someone I had seen for the first time in years. They made me feel truly alive and cared for. I am a little scared about how I want to continue my life. I have things to live for, plenty in fact. I have a wonderful cat, great friends, a full-time job, an apartment to call my own, and a family that loves me. Yet sometimes I wish I could disappear, Not forever but just for a little while.

Emotions and feelings are hard to understand in the first place. Feeling everything constantly and the tornado that is my brain getting overwhelming and I want it all to stop. Let me clarify I don't want to die, I just want to stop. I want time to breathe and process in my own time. Life doesn't stop, frankly, it would be concerning if it did.

I've learned to live my life for me. To enjoy little things and treat me how I would treat someone I love dearly. Buy yourself flowers, and take yourself on romantic dates. Take time to breathe and don't be afraid to keep living.