#//the loneliness of being a part of a god killing party

[countercharmd]

listening to the last man on earth. thinking of a god slayer campaign again

[messiahzzz]

i have seen several posts around that addressed how discouraging gale from taking the crown of karsus is “keeping him from realizing his true potential.” that tara is merely upset at his choice, instead of being utterly devastated at the loss of her little love. that it’s not a bad ending per se because to get there he didn’t need to sacrifice 7000 innocent souls in the process. gale isn’t continuing the cycle of abuse either, he still appears to love tav and does come back for them to offer them ascension. he wants them to be equal, so it can’t possibly be an unhealthy dynamic, right?

but what of gale himself, his own convictions, values, and everything he holds dear? everything flawed and human that shaped him into the person he is?

player: are you saying you want to ascend? claim godhood?

gale: no, not like that. i don't want to join them. i want to better them. a god's powers, paired with a mortal conscience, a mortal heart.

gale’s motivation for acquiring godhood is that he will able to aid mortals in a way no other god has ever done before. he won’t hide behind pretense nor require blind devotion of his followers. he will understand and be able to empathize. he wholeheartedly believes that he will be different - he will act.

gale: [..] the gods could aid us if they wished, but instead they cower behind ao. so let us act ourselves.

gale believes that by becoming a god he will kill two birds with one stone: aid mortals and acquire enough power to quash any of his insecurities and enemies in the process. that by ridding himself of every perceived flaw he'll finally feel like he will have enough to offer - maybe, just maybe he'll even be content. his flaws are merely holding him back from becoming the best version of himself, and by ridding himself of everything fallible, he will be whole. maybe this is what all of his suffering has led up to. maybe the orb chose him. maybe the reason he had to endure all the pain, isolation, and excruciating loneliness was so that he could realize that he was meant for something even greater. after all, power feeds ambition. and what is more powerful than a god? his convictions were certainly naive, he possesses enough knowledge to know better. don't get me wrong, part of him definitely wants to spite mystra a lil. but his intentions at that time were mostly pure. a reflection of his self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy.

player: this is wrong, gale. that power will corrupt you, even if you can seize it.

gale: it won't, i swear to you. it's merely a tool - a means to an end.

once we meet gale at the party in his new godlike form, it is apparent that even with all the power at his fingertips, he has reached no greater knowledge about himself. his insecurities are still as present as before, he merely is less subtle in his compensation - repeatedly highlighting his grandeur and how dull life on faerun is compared to the wonders of elysium. it is also genuinely crushing to see how little he thinks of himself even now.

gale: i was nothing. a drifting dust mote of a wizard, abandoned by my goddess, my powers lost, my reputation destroyed. and look at me now. i'm their proof.

any perceived dismissal of his Greatness™ is met with immediate disdain.

gale: a bold decision to treat a divine being with such cold indifference.

nodecontext: aloof, annoyed you weren't impressed with him

gale: you mortals do love to live dangerously, don't you?

nodecontext: the slightest hint of a threat - you've probably made an enemy here today. or at least, you've lost a friend.

he is still desperate to impress. emphasizing what an honor it is that a new-born god chose to bless their little soiree with his presence. gaze upon all his divine glory! gale has now become the embodiment of everything he criticized about the gods. his original intentions and plans are discarded and long forgotten. he assuages his erstwhile companions by telling them to simply pray to him, in case they should ever require aid. if they're lucky and their ambition pleases him, he might even deliver.

player: what does the 'god of ambition' offer to his followers?

gale: i 'offer' them nothing. i inspire them to seize their destinies for themselves.

player: interesting, so you help mortals help themselves?

gale: precisely. though that isn't to say i'm averse to the odd bit of direct encouragement.

gale: [..] my aims are set a little higher than offering cursory blessings to just any half-decent spellcaster.

gale: regardless, ethical quandaries are more the remit of my mortal devotees. they do love to talk, and faerun is starting to listen.

aiding "any half-decent spellcaster" is unbefitting of his status. he isn't concerned with questions of ethics and morality either. deeming such matters beneath his divine capabilities.

once gale has ascended and established his domain, what remains of the gale we knew? what of his mortal heart?

minthara: your ambition is not cruel, but you fear that if you indulge it, you will lose yourself in the mysteries of the weave and unravel the world.

minthara: you are afraid of so many things, and it is that fear that keeps you true to yourself.

gale did lose himself and ultimately became one of his biggest fears. considering that his existence as a being of pure ambition leads him to constantly seek out greater heights, it isn't farfetched to believe that raphael's prediction will indeed come true.

player[astarion]: ambition? finally, a god i can get behind...

gale: i assure you, this is merely the prelude to a far grander vision. elysium's in for something of a shake-up.

all that remains of gale is a thin veneer of the person he used to be. what he presents is a hollow echo of the old gale. he does retain some of his mannerisms and quirks, but he is definitely a lot colder and more condescending. if his personality already changed that drastically after a duration of only 6 months, what will he inevitability turn into when he has eternity at his disposal?

essentially, you are aiding gale in the eradication of himself. eradicating everything about him that made him into the loveable, charismatic, awkward, kind, buoyant person he was. everything about him that he perceived as defective, flawed, and lesser-than. before, his hubris was merely an expression of his own discontentment and low self-worth, but now he is hubris incarnate. all of his worst qualities have been amplified.

gale: i am ambition incarnate. as indistinguishable from that most potent sensation as mystra herself is from the weave. and word is spreading.

nodecontext: palpable, almost unsettling excitement from him - hint of megalomania

he put his trust in tav, trusting their judgment and relying on them to nudge him in the right direction. after all, they had plenty of opportunities to show him that they are an ally worth following and confiding in. but in the end, the prospect of what he could be, the things he could give them, the enemies he could yet conquer, won over the desire to simply accept him and help him rebuild a life on solid ground. tav denied him the unconditional love he craves most out of their own selfish desires.

tara: you were looking out for him. i expected better of you.

as i've already mentioned, gale desires nothing more than to be seen, accepted, loved, and valued. having a partner who wholeheartedly supports and believes in him is enough to make him feel content. most importantly - he just wants to live. to enjoy life with everything it has to offer. his ambition can’t be quenched because he hungers still. believing that only by acquiring more power will he finally be enough and reach said acceptance.

we see in his good ending that his own contentment was even able to influence and (temporarily) sate the orb's ever-present hunger:

gale: [..] or perhaps the orb's hunger was fuelled by my own, and my contentment influences it in much the same way.

gale: that's how i feel with you - content. it's a rather unfamiliar feeling, i must say. not something gale of waterdeep ever craved.

it is devastating that he doesn't reach the same feeling of fulfillment if he chooses to pursue godhood, and is instead compelled to continuously surpass his own accomplishments. not being granted rest or reprieve.

gale: i achieved everything we hoped i would, and still i'm not good enough for you?

gale pursuing godhood isn't evidence that he "has been evil all along" or that he "just waited to be unleashed" either. we can't diminish tav's influence in this outcome, they are after all an extension of the player. able to steer every companion toward a path of redemption or to enable them in their worst traits. fandom has already established that by letting astarion ascend you are actively supporting him in becoming the very thing he despises most, putting your own ambitions and idea of what you want him to be above his healing, this is no different.

tara: the gale i knew wasn't like this. he recognised his mistakes. he was contrite. all he wanted to do was live.

tara: unfortunately, he fell into company that turned his gaze towards foolishness. yes, i mean you.

player: gale is his own man, tara.

tara: false. he was mine. though now he belongs only to his own pride.

yes, the epilogue cutscene is beautiful and there is something bittersweet and romantic about his love for tav being one of the few emotions that remained a constant throughout the past 6 months. he didn't need to come back for them, but he did cause he loves them still. no matter how warped his definition of love may be now. while it is abundantly clear that tav ranks lower on his priority list than they did before, his commitment remains.

gale fears isolation, hoping to never return to the time when he was hopeless and alone, stuck inside his tower. by heading in this direction he is once again creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

tara: [..] if i pretended you hadn't turned tail on every lesson you set out to learn, i'd have no right to call myself your friend.

morena may as well have already resigned herself to her son’s death. elminster partly blames himself. for his lapse in judgment, as well as being the one who plucked him from obscurity in the first place. mourning the kind, bright-eyed boy who cried at the scorched roses in his neighbor's garden. tara won't be here anymore to care and look out for him either. he has lost his oldest and dearest friend, the one who witnessed his downfall from grace and never left his side. who believed him to be the finest mind AND the finest wizard she's ever had the pleasure to know. who was certain that he’d find a way out of any crisis no matter the circumstances. ...and if tav declines his offer to ascend with him? what does he have left?

gale: yes, i am rather radiant, aren't i?

tara: don't flatter yourself, gale. you've debased yourself in ways i could never have fathomed.

tara: goodbye gale, i hope the heavens are worth it.

gale’s godhood ending deals with the loss of humanity, the loss of oneself, and everything one holds dear. it is a devastating and bone-chilling narrative. it is a tragedy.

gale: i hope you don't think less of me. great ambition should not come at the expense of what you already hold dear. i see that now.

if gale could see himself, he would be horrified at the losses he deemed necessary to get here. he would be horrified at what he’s become.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Top 5 comics that aren't bat related?

GOD okay I'm admittedly so so behind on my non-Bat comic reading because trying to read Everything Published In A 15 Year Period is fucking TIME CONSUMING, but! but but but!!! I have some fun ones!! also as always these are not in ANY particular order!

Thirsty Mermaids (Kat Leyh, 2021)

first off: yes we are including graphic novels! that's just a honkin big comic! nobody @ me! anyway, I read Thirsty Mermaids in one sitting on an airplane earlier this year and it was delightful. it follows three mermaid besties who turn themselves into humans and go ashore in search of booze, only to get stuck when the party mage can't remember how to turn them back. what follows is a mix of shenanigans and genuinely heartwarming character development as the trio cope with being landlocked and try to survive capitalism. there's a high potential for a story like this to get cloyingly oversentimental, but Thirsty Mermaids struck the right balance for me the whole way through and never went overboard.

also, the character designs are soooooo fun. look at them!

2. My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness (Nagata Kabi, trans. Jocelyne Allen 2016)

MLEWL is one of those books that actually completely lives up to the hype and then some, and it totally knocked me on my ass the first time I read it. I didn't really know what to expect going in, but I was totally blown away by how boldly Nagata's willing to share the ugliest parts of her life through this reflection. it's so much more than romance and yearning (and that isn't even really resolved by the book's end! Nagata continues to struggle with interpersonal relationships in later books, which you should also read!), and it felt really refreshing to see such an honest depiction of how much being depressed and anxious and insecure can just fucking suck. but at the same time, Nagata's ability to turn all of that into art and process what she's experienced in a really levelheaded way as she finds the will to grow and change is really affirming.

I have to give a special note of appreciation to the actual sex scene and how intimacy is negotiated between Nagata and the sex worker she hires, especially the ultimate realization that sex is just an act and losing her virginity didn't really change anything about why she was unhappy in her life. as a sex educator, I really appreciated the honesty and sheer practicality of how it was all framed.

3. Nimona (ND Stevenson, 2015)

hi okay yes basic bitch alert I'M AWARE, but I reread Nimona last year to remind myself of why I didn't want to watch the Netflix adaptation and I was so right for that, because OG Nimona fucks so much harder. it's heartfelt but also chaotic and violent and funny and deeply jaded; I think when I mentioned it in my monthly reading synopsis here I described it as weird art for pissed off queer people by a weird pissed off queer person. and I stand by that! if you haven't read it already or if you haven't in a while, it's right there waiting for you with an open invitation to burn the entire corrupt government to the ground.

I know the word feral is overused and therefore cringe but christ, comic Nimona is feral. come on, man. just let her kill your ex. he's a cop.

4. Superman Smashes the Klan (Gene Luen Yang and Gurihiru, 2020)

I had to get one DC comic in here, sue me! it's not Batman-related at all! it's a really rad Superman story that takes place in the 1940s and loosely reimagines an old radio serial, "Clan of the Fiery Cross," the was pretty much a 16-part hit piece on the KKK that was hugely successful in tarnishing their reputation and getting membership to drop. how cool is that? in this version we follow Lee family, Chinese-Americans who have just moved to Metropolis and are met with harassment from the local Klansmen, contrasted with Clark, early in his hero career, still figuring out the full extent of his alien abilities. you get some really nice parallel storytelling between the Lee kids, Tommy and Roberta, exploring what it means to be part of two different cultures at the same time Clark is going through something similar figuring out how to be a representative of two totally different planets, and it all works out in a way that's really sweet. now that I have a friend who's a baby I can't wait until he's old enough to get a copy.

it's an extremely comic book-y comic but in, like, the best way possible.

5. Hawkeye (Matt Fraction and David Aja, 2012-2015)

I can't believe I almost forgot to list tumblr darling Matt Fraction's Hawkeye! what do I even say about this series that hasn't been said already? I love the way Clint Barton is a sadsack piece of shit who's repeatedly ruined his own life, and I love rooting for him anyway because he's just trying so goddamn hard. and also because there's a teenage girl who stole his name and gimmick bullying him the whole time. (Kate Bishop you are everything to me and you will always be famous.) there are costumes and crime fighting but it's first and foremost a slice of life about a life that fucking sucks but keeps on trucking anyway, and that's so up my alley it's not even funny. a lot of the humor probably feels dated now but fuck it, the series is iconic for a reason.

MCU, eat your heart out.

bonus because I wrote out the whole thing and then decided I wanted to include a different one: Paper Girls (Brian K. Vaughan and Cliff Chiang, 2015-2019)

I'd be lying if I said that the thing about this series that I love first and foremost wasn't the art, because Chiang's art is breathtaking and I'll read anything ever if he does the art on it. but it's also just a super cool twisty, time-bending story about four girls getting roped into some high sci-fi bullshit when they're just trying to finish up their paper routes the morning after Halloween and having everything go to hell around them. I really respect a series that is committed to being weird and doesn't really care if you don't understand what's going on for a decent chunk of the plot, especially because it all comes together in a way that's pretty satisfying. waiting to read the whole series in one big run once it was all published so that I could track all the little hints and clues and things coming together across time travel bullshit was mwah, delicious.

also more than anything it's a story about how you Do Not fuck with 12 year old girls, especially in packs, because they're metal as hell, and I'm really about that.

[lonesome-witching]

Why Can't You Open Up to Me?

From the enemies to lovers midpoint prompts. Requested by @misfittq. I'm going to be honest I'm not sure what this is or what universe it takes place in but I don't dislike it so it'll have to do.

Nancy was stuck. She was stuck in a basement or something. It was dark and dusty, and she was stuck. It wasn’t something new. She had gotten stuck before. It was part of the job. Part of who she had decided to be. It had been scary the first time. She remembered how she thought she was going to die.

But this time she wasn’t scared. She was used to this. She was annoyed though. Not because she was stuck. Okay, maybe a little bit because she was stuck. But mostly because of who she was stuck with. For once she wasn’t alone.

Nancy had complained about the solitude of the job plenty of times. She had complained about being all alone. But now she craved the damn loneliness.

Robin Buckley was infuriating. Nancy only knew her from the wanted posters in town. She might have European or Russian or neither. There were plenty of rumors about her. There were plenty of rumors about Nancy too. Nancy had vowed not to believe any of them. Until she had actually met Robin. Just a few days and she truly believed Robin could be evil.

“You’re bleeding,” Robin said from where she was sitting on the ground behind her.

“What?”

“Your shoulder is bleeding. Probably from our fight earlier.”

Nancy turned around. “You probably hope it’s infected or something.”

“You think so poorly of me?” Robin chuckled. “If I were to kill someone it’ll be in combat.”

“If you were to kill someone?”

Robin looked down, avoiding Nancy’s glare. It was odd how Nancy felt a slight stab of compassion.

“Do you think you could help me? I doubt I’ll be able to reach it?” Nancy asked instead. Breaking the silence and the tension that was building around them.

“Sure.” Robin pushed herself to her feet, slowly approaching Nancy. Right before she reached her, Nancy turned around. A sign of faith, trust, something that really shouldn’t be there. But they were stuck together, and Nancy was bleeding and if she had wanted to, Robin could have killed her hours ago.

Nancy couldn’t see what Robin was doing. She could only feel her touch, gentle and soft against her skin, and hear the inhale when Robin uncovered the wound.

“You’re not from here, are you?” Nancy asked. She hoped she sounded kinder to Robin’s ears than she did to her own. She doubted it when nothing but silence followed. “It’s just the stories­—”

“Yeah, I know the stories.”

Nancy sighed. “Why can’t you open up to me?”

“Why do you want me to?”

“Because we are stuck here together for God knows how long. And because you could have killed me earlier, but you didn’t. And because you are taking care of me. And I don’t know why you are doing it, and I would really like to understand.”

“You could have killed me too, you know.” Robin pulled away, dropping down on the ground again and Nancy slowly turned around to look at her.

“You had pushed down on the ground.”

“Yeah, but when I dropped the knife. When I dropped the knife, you could have killed me. You were still holding yours. Could have stabbed me in the stomach or the heart and then pushed my corpse to the side to run off. But you didn’t.”

“I could barely move. Your knees were digging into my arms.” But that was a lie. She could have easily stabbed Robin if she had wanted to. The reality was that she hadn’t really wanted to.

“I’ll open up if you do,” Robin said, looking up at Nancy.

They were stuck. They would have to wait until the search party found them and then they’ll have to figure it out. But for now, they couldn’t do much. So, Nancy sat down in front of Robin and started talking.

[meetinginsamarra]

update december 2023

sorted by word count/series

———————

Mutual Attraction 94k , pre ASiP, different first meetings, casefic, pining

The day when a homeless drug addict and a suicidal ex-soldier met was the beginning of something until then unheard-of: Mutual Attraction. Of course, not all was what it looked like in the first place but the days of boredom, loneliness and lack of purpose were history. A case had to be solved, lives had to be saved and a developing relationship had to be tackled.

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Here I Am -series, the pornwithoutplot which evolved into pornwithplot with feels and whump

The Toe that didn´t belong 6.9k, Part One

Every time John thought back to the occasion the funny thing was that the first thing he had noticed to be out of place had been a…toe.

The Embers still glow when I´m sober 14,5k, Part Two

When Sherlock woke up the morning after he actually felt good. Which was completely unexpected. Although he was sort of anxious about John´s reaction when he would notice that the punk who did not belong in his bed and who had coaxed him into having shameless sex last night was still there.

Gravity is missing from everything 23.5k, Part Three

People bumped into him, cussing and throwing death glares. Blocking their way, Sherlock stood frozen in a throng of commuters. “Are you high?” one shouted into his vacant face. Funnily enough he actually was not. This was all John´s fault. Inflicting a date on him. To have dinner.

———————

Learn My Scars, 38k, written for whumptober 2022, Serbia and the aftermath

After being thrown down and strangled, Sherlock leaves John in the restaurant, angry and deeply hurt. When John follows Sherlock to 221b, he learns that Sherlock’s scars have not been acquired by “gallivanting around” for two years.

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The 13th Book 26.5k,  a magical realism AU with demon Sherlock

Summoning a demon was actually quite simple if you could avoid getting killed in the process. Therefore, only the powerful, the desperate or the stupid would attempt it. John Watson was likely the first, definitely the second but hopefully not one of the third kind.

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Wretched and Divine – series punklock and doctor John

Wretched and Divine 5.1k, Part One

Dr. John Watson is on call at the A&E when he attempts to treat a very special patient. Instead he finds himself a very special treat.

The Aftermath is Secondary 19.5k, Part Two

Will John and Sherlock really go on the agreed date in the infamous punkrock club “The Misfit”? Will their sexual tension finally be resolved? Is it really going to be dangerous? And will Sherlock really wear the promised fishnet top? (Oh God, yessss!)

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Sherlock’s Secret Laboratory Journal 6k, my outlet for writing cracky hilarious Sherlock, will become a series with adding a chapter for each new experiment

What does a helplessly pining but absolutely clueless Sherlock do in order to woo an oblivious John? He turns to the internet for advice on the art of seduction and notes the experiments in his secret laboratory journal.

Oyster and Mushroom Soup 9k, Sherlock’s latest attempt at seduction, Part 2 of the Secret Lab Journal series

Sherlock’s second try to win over John involves a lot of special cooking recipes.

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Slowly Suffocating 9.5k, TLD fix-it, written for whumptober 2023

Getting suffocated took some time. Enough time for Sherlock to ponder what went wrong. Hopefully also long enough for John to arrive and rescue him. Culverton Smith applied more pressure, impatient to turn Sherlock into a dead thing.

———————

Winning a lost bet 8.2k, pole-dancing at the XMas party

A lost bet makes Sherlock and John perform a pole-dance in costumes at the Yard´s Christmas party. It was supposed to be humiliating but instead the couple nailed it.

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Until the final breath escapes 1.9k, spooky Halloween fic

In a world turned hostile they hold onto their love until the final breath escapes.

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Sherlock Ficlets for Writing Challenges 20 ficlets under 1000 words

[hoodiehydra]

Devoid From the Void

Prompt: Agoti’s stuck in the void for his birthday, and he realised that way too late. He realised another thing too, and maybe it wasn’t too late to change?

Warnings: Angst, there’s no break or anything, literally a sequel to Agoti’s birthday fic so we are diving straight in the sadness and mild cursing. Also some suicidal thoughts but there’s no suicide

Word count: 2138

————————

Aldryx’s tears were uncontrollable, them flowing down his cheeks with no hesitation. The fat, salty tears rolling down his face were leaving him in pure agony, the framed picture of Agoti smiling was about to pull his heartstrings out, it felt like it could have killed him just like that. He missed his brother’s sharp-toothed grin, the obnoxiously loud chuckles and snorts after that. He missed him so much, and this day only made it hurt even more. The day dedicated to him, it only served as reality’s reminder that he was gone. There was no denying it, he couldn’t play pretend anymore.

There wasn’t any of Agoti’s boisterous laughter at 1 in the morning, triumph clear in his chuckles of his birthday finally rolling around. None of his loud “It’s my birthday!” announcements and speeches that he loved saying every year. The house was dead silent, in sheer contrast of how it was exactly two years ago. The suffocating silence was too much for Aldryx. It felt like he was in a chokehold, air escaping his lungs as the seconds ticked by, it being more dangerous as time passed. But he couldn’t escape it, how could he? The thought of his brother was shoved into every little part of his mind, and he couldn’t just ignore it. He would have felt even worse about the whole situation, but the thought of Agoti only seeped further into the tissues of his skull. No way was he going to be able to not think of Agoti at this rate.

His mouth felt drier than ever, even though his face was wet with tears. He was gasping for air, unable to breathe properly and the oxygen didn’t feel like it was reaching his lungs. Lips trembling and fists clenched so tight they could have bled from his nails, he could only choke out a few words. It was so sad, but in a different context, it would have sounded like such a joyous occasion.

“Happy birthday, little brother,” was all he could say without bawling. He was already crying, but he didn’t want to start a scene and worry his own father any further, though he knew Solazar was sobbing. He was amazed at how steady his words sounded, despite his own body quaking in place.

Aldryx only stared at Agoti’s picture, wanting him to smile and laugh and shoot him his signature grin, but no. It was pure silence in the desolate house, and it hurt him to feel the cold feeling of loneliness.

A part of him wanted to pretend Agoti was there with him, but it would be selfish of himself to believe everything was alright, especially when it wasn’t. It wouldn’t be very fair to his father, who was cracking to pieces in his room at the moment.

He trudged and moped around the living room, it looked more of a funeral than a birthday party. Dark room, grey atmosphere, sorrow mood, the only thing lacking now was the people to offer their condolences. He knew he shouldn’t have been thinking like that, but he was forcing himself to accept the possibility that Agoti would be gone, permanently. Aldryx was losing hope from how long Agoti’s disappearance was, and he gave up on hyping himself up. If he accepted the reality of it, maybe it would have been less hard on him, though we know it’s not easy like that.

Even Solazar didn’t sound too hopeful about Agoti coming back anymore. It was 2 years with him away, two years far too long. The star god, being probably a billion years old, had enough patience to last a millennium if he had to. However, he lost hope in two years, and if that doesn’t say anything about the success in finding Agoti, I don’t know what does.

Aldryx and Solazar were weeping in the closed walls of their home, but what was their missing loved one currently doing now?

Stuck in the void, Agoti was unaware of his birthday. Well, he had an idea that it was near, but no sunsets or sunrises had made him lose track of the dates and time so badly he was convinced that he was already in the void for 4 years. Though something at the back of his mind was nagging at him, like something was so important that he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. And though he wanted to know, it still wouldn’t be of any use knowing. He was stuck here, even if he knew what he was missing, he couldn’t do anything about it besides finally escaping his unawareness.

The feeling that he was missing out on something was getting very strong to the point here it was impossible to ignore. You couldn’t blame his painful unawareness, digital devices didn’t work quite well in the void, and his watch ran out of batteries. It was him and him alone to survive and escape, but he had no idea what to even do. He was never kidnapped and placed into a void before (thank god for that) and he was freaking out internally on how clueless he was. All he saw were rocks and the same grey atmosphere that surrounded him, and it went on longer than his eyes could see.

The void made him feel things he never expected to feel, it was pretty deep, the best he could even say about these feelings were brief descriptions about them. Loneliness, fear, a little bit of boredom and possible depression.

He chewed on his bottom lip, pressing it down harder than he should have, too deep in thought to remember that his teeth were sharp. It shouldn’t even be biting his own lip but here he was, pressing down on it like he lost his nervous system. Red blood gushed from the bite mark, and he only realised he was bleeding when he tasted the metallic liquid drip into his mouth.

Shit, he thought. While him doing this was now a norm in his current stressed out state, he still didn’t quite like the feeling of bleeding. It made him uncomfortable, and he had nothing to clean himself up with. That, and he had scarred his lips before, he didn’t want it to happen again. And yes, the scar is for the exact same reason as right now, if that’s what you’re wondering. Faint, grey, patchy marks were left on his bottom lip, which affected his “flawless” skin.

If he didn’t like the mere scar on his bottom lip, he hated the scars on his upper arms, though they were covered by the long sleeves of his hoodie. Still, he needed a medic to help him with those self-inflicted wounds, but that wasn’t his main priority at the moment. He needed to escape, though he still had no idea how.

That was, until about an hour later, some weird looking blueberry pipsqueak shoved his puny little body in front of Agoti, who maybe was a little relieved for the company. Were they friend, or foe? Agoti didn’t bother trying to know.

But, how did it come to this? Because right now, the red girl in a dress was answering a question of his, “What’s the date today?”.

“It’s October 12! Why?” She smiled, but it seemed quite fake, like a Barbie doll.

October 12? But that was…

“And the year?” He asked again.

“2023.” The puny blueberry boy said, between his “beeps” and “boops”.

Has it been that slow? Agoti was so sure that he was in the void for at least 3 years, but no. It was only 2, which was a little bit of a relief to him. Maybe he wouldn’t miss out on that much. A year less to worry about, but 2 years still was quite a long time already. Did his family file him as a dead person yet? Were they still looking for him? Did they forget him? The questions now filled his mind, ruining his current rap flow in the slightest against the short dude that was doing surprisingly well. He didn’t really like that, and he quickly recovered from his overwhelming thoughts. Still, he needed to know what happened. He had to find out, the curiosity was eating away at him like a predator and the thoughts consumed his mind like a drug he couldn’t even stop. He hated that he was so distracted in his thoughts that he couldn’t even make music the way he loved anymore. Rapping now felt more of a chore, especially when he couldn’t concentrate on it.

He felt like he was fighting for his own freedom (and he was, but let’s not tell him that) while rapping, if he were to be honest. Point is, he felt trapped doing the one thing he loved, and because of that, he lost the rap battle in the end.

The only form of entertainment he had, was gone, and now he would be condemned to another who knows how long of boredom and pain.

As the two short midgets left, Agoti slumped back down onto the rocks, rethinking about what just happened. His father, brother, even Tabi were at home, probably not celebrating his birthday like he should have done. All the guilt washed over him as realisation hit him that they would feel even worse as it was two years without him, and on his birthday. It sucked to miss them so badly, but he couldn’t stop himself from doing so. He hated himself for making them worry even more, and he was alone in his thoughts like he had been ever since he was in the void.

He missed his birthday, and he didn’t know it. It wasn’t his fault exactly, but he still hated himself for making his family and friends feel the pain of missing him. Agoti felt so stupid, he hurt himself, that was fine. But the thought of him indirectly hurting his loved ones, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it, that only set him through a fit of rage and disappointment.

Two years without seeing those he loved, but he couldn’t forget their faces. He remembered Solazar’s stoic expression, Aldryx’s confident smile and Tabi’s nonchalant (with a tinge of worry) face. Agoti had never felt more homesick as he stood there, alone, with the couple walking away from him.

Fuck the both of them, he hated the stupid, carefree grins on their faces. If they didn’t show up, he wouldn’t be facing these feelings anymore. But, if they didn’t show up, he wouldn’t have realised that he was only stuck in the void for two years, though it was still a considerably long time.

Finally, he broke. It was like the threads that were holding him together finally snapped, the last thin fibres giving up on keeping it together. Agoti yelled, screamed, cried his frustrations out. Two years of anger and sorrow all pent up, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. It was actually quite an impressive feat to hold it all in for more than a month, most would have broke in a year.

Agoti messed up, really badly. He missed his birthday twice and didn’t even know it, and hurt at least 3 people in the process. A stupid mistake of him to trust the Dearests, but it was far too late for regret.

Sitting at the edge of a piece of floating rock, Agoti started to wonder, what would happen if he just… jumped off the rock? It was two years with no escape, if he didn’t die like this then he would still be stuck here. There really wasn’t any point that he could see to stay here. If he jumped off, he would at least be free. He hesitated for a second, thinking of everyone at home and how upset they would be if he never came back. Upset would be a severe understatement, but Agoti felt so conflicted. His happiness, or theirs? Would he even be happy dying just like that?

It was only at that point where he started to carefully think it through. He realised, he had been selfish. He selfishly worked with the Dearests, despite Solazar telling him not to. He selfishly ignored Aldryx’s many pieces of advice and only listened to the Dearests. He selfishly put off his usual meets with Tabi, to? Work with the Dearests.

The facts finally dawned on him that he should keep surviving, and hope and pray at the very least that he would escape somehow. He couldn’t bear with himself if he decided to make another selfish decision after already making so many. It wouldn’t be fair to any of them at home.

And so, he waited. He sat there, gazing at nothing, waiting for the chance to go home.

———————

GUYS I THINK I TOOK THE ANGST JUST A TINY BIT TOO FAR-

Taglist: @lightgriffinsect @taterswithranch @alex-dontknow @shippin-my-sanses

[maxwell-grant]

If you're still doing the character opinion bingo... N'Doul, please? :D

The N'Doul fight is an all-timer in the series for sure and a pretty stark contrast with later Stand battles, where 90% of the challenge was figuring out how the Stand works so they can counter it. Geb is as simple as Stands can get, conceptually, it’s major advantage being how it benefits from the terrain and N'Doul's own cleverness. He's an excellent introduction to Egypt as the place where shit is gonna get real for the Crusaders, almost taking out the entire party and even disabling Kakyoin all the way to the finale, only beaten by the recent addition of Iggy into the mix. He's a very solid villain and an optimal choice as a entry-level showcase of "this is what a JJBA fight looks like", not surprising that this was the first fight to be adapted into animation as well. 

N'Doul and most of the other 9 Glory Gods benefit a lot from Part 3 being saturated with colorful one-note baddies for the Crusaders to routinely beat, because it does wind up making him stick out all the more with his taciturn, focused personality, perfectly befitting a fight that’s entirely based on tense silence punctuated by sudden quick viciousness. A lot of what makes N'Doul memorable is because of that contrast between him and most of the other minions of DIO personality-wise as well as visually, because he's designed to be attractive in a way comparable to Kakyoin, and that throws off your brain a little when you're used to the Crusaders dealing with terribly-dressed sneering cartoons. 

To a better extent than Hol Horse, N'Doul wouldn't look at all out of place among the Crusaders as an ally. I’d even say that, in a way, N’Doul reads to me now as a prototype for Enrico Pucci, in the sense of him being this solemn, driven young man with a tragic background driven into DIO’s arms by a need for salvation, and having a number of similarities with the heroes that only serve to punctuate the tragedy that is their suicidal allegiance to evil. I think it’s something that Araki’s been flirting with since Bruford in Part 1 and that saw it’s real potential taking form with Pucci, with N’Doul as the important middle step as someone who was driven to evil out of loneliness and lack of purpose and despair and being manipulated by someone who knew how to prey on his basic human needs. It’s with characters like N’Doul and Wammu that you see Araki first experimenting with that moral greyness he’d eventually make much more extensive use of as the series went along.

What I like most about N'Doul, though, is what he does for the narrative as an enemy for Jotaro to overcome in particular. As the Samurai to Jotaro’s Cowboy, the two get to have a wonderful showdown moment befitting that vibe, and more so than that, I think N’Doul works great as a showcase for Jotaro’s character development because he’s an enemy that Jotaro ends up getting emotionally invested in, an enemy that does go some way towards changing him. More specifically, I think of N’Doul as kind of the benchmark for Jotaro’s growth, the point that fully marks how Jotaro stopped being “just” the next JoJo and fully cemented himself as Jotaro Kujo, the iconic hero in his own right.

This probably has more to do with Araki’s changing tastes and likely not intentional but, I’ve been rewatching Part 3 recently and it just never stops feeling weird hearing Jotaro be called “JoJo” for much of the beginning. Obviously the series needs to keep the JoJo name going, and we’d sat through two other sagas starring guys everyone called JoJo, but with Jotaro, it just constantly feels discomforting, impersonal even. It’s a name that nobody actually close to him calls him, tied to a bloodline he has no connection to until that connection starts killing his mom. He gets called JoJo by his annoying classmates and his distant grandfather and the Crusaders he barely knows at first, and as the part progresses and they become closer and we spend more time with Jotaro, everyone calls him by his actual name. But at first, that name is an antiquated leftover, something that just points to Jotaro as just The Next JoJo and not his own person, a guy who’s just part of the story without belonging in it, if that makes sense.

Because Jotaro’s initially defined a lot by that distance between him and the greater history of conflict he’s getting dragged into. He didn’t grow up with Dio or stories about him, he didn’t take up martial arts to save the world, and unlike with Joseph, the vampire asshole hurting his family didn’t even have the decency to show up at his front door first before trying to kill him. He was just a high school student with an attitude problem one day, and then out of nowhere he gets “possessed” by an unfathomably dangerous thing that pushes him to lock himself up in jail for everyone else’s sake, and next thing he knows, he has to travel across the world with his grandpa and some other guys he barely knows, avoiding superpowered murderers every hour of every day with no rest, so he can go kill some evil thing he didn’t even know existed, because otherwise his mom’s gonna die. 

And it’s through the course of Part 3 that we see him grow as a person and as a fighter, grow closer to the Crusaders who all start to know him better than anyone else ever did. We see him become the guy that evildoers around the world fear, we see how he owns that legacy he has within the Joestar bloodline and the destiny that comes with it, and in the following parts Jotaro takes over Joseph’s role as the main tether to it that everyone else has, older and more responsible and carrying that weight on his shoulders (for better or worse and, by the time of Part 6, definitely for the worse).

And I think it is N’Doul who really starts this transition for him on-screen because of how he shakes things up, not merely because he’s more than just another bloodthirsty maniac among the dozens Jotaro’s beaten up over the past days, but because he’s someone so devoted to that evil thing that he kills himself in front of Jotaro. Jotaro had seen people die, he’d seen DIO’s subordinates be offed in front of him, but this is the first time he sees someone commit actual suicide in front of him over DIO, and he’s powerless to save him as he did for Kakyoin and Polnareff (while this is probably not intentional, the fact that Star Platinum exhibited enough strength to smash car-sized diamonds and punch holes straight through DIO definitely makes it seem like Jotaro was pulling his punches quite a bit over the part)

Jotaro meets N’Doul, a man with virtues and qualities that Jotaro recognizes enough to feel some kind of kinship towards him, and he has to watch that man skewer his brains out in front of him using his own Stand. We don’t really get much talkative introspection out of Jotaro in general because of the way he’s written but, prior to the N’Doul fight, the only other time we’d been allowed enough into Jotaro’s headspace was a brief moment in the Death 13 arc where Jotaro reflects that he’s 4.000 miles from home and it’s been 4 weeks and he’s getting worried they won’t make it in time. As in, his driving motivation still remains just getting to DIO in time to save his mom. Obviously not something anyone can criticize him for worrying about but,

In the aftermath of the N’Doul fight, we see Jotaro thinking about DIO specifically, really the first time we see him even address him proper after the beginning where he doesn’t even think DIO exists. DIO is weighing on his mind, he wonders what kind of man is he, the kind of power he has over people’s minds, what other horrors he’s gonna throw their way. He gets emotional yelling at a dying N’Doul and asking him to tell him why, why are you killing yourselves for that man, why is this worth dying for to you people, and N’Doul uses his dying breath to open up about his background and power, and give him the Evil Savior speech. And I think this is kind of when Jotaro finally internalizes what kind of power DIO has, something that makes him existentially monstrous and dangerous on a bigger level than just the things he’s done to his family and friends, or to countless others before and now, or that he’s causing to his mom right this second, or even that he’s done to the fanatics under his thrall he’d sent to die fighting them.

Enya was one thing, and all the Crusaders were pretty shaken about that even then, but this? That’s the kind of thing that gets Jotaro to make a grave, because there’s nothing else he could possibly do, for a guy he’d just seen rip off the faces of innocent people and blind his friend. For a guy that Jotaro didn’t want to kill, a guy who really, really didn’t have to die, a guy who could have been something else, something better, really just something at all, other than just another corpse with DIO’s name on it. 

I think of this as the moment where Jotaro truly internally grows into the hero of the story, as the only one who could stop DIO. Who came to understand DIO a little better than the others. Jotaro grows to be DIO’s nemesis not just because he’s equally powerful, or equally determined, or better at stacking up bullshit tricks to win fights, but because he refuses for even a second to entertain DIO, because he'd seen again and again the horrors DIO can wreak if he gets even an inch worth of breathing room (and it STILL doesn’t stop Jotaro from falling for DIO’s bullshit and almost dying in DIO’s World). There is no history between the two as there was with Jonathan, nothing other than savagery and hatred. DIO’s been shitting over everything and everyone for years and it just so happens that Jotaro was given a mop to clean it up. Jotaro was the enemy DIO deserved.

At no point did Jotaro get a choice in the matter, when it came to entering this journey, it was either this or sitting by watching his family die. But here, we see how personally he’ staking it to oppose DIO for reasons other than his mom’s predictament. Iit’s also important that, immediately following N’Doul’s burial and Jotaro’s thinking, we get the scene where he bonds with Iggy, saying he’s not mad for Iggy having screwed him over during the fight and that he doesn’t blame Iggy for being pissed that he got dragged away from home to fight in the desert, and extending the gum as an olive branch, a pretty far cry from what the self-proclaimed “nobody ever said Jotaro Kujo was nice" guy from early in the part would have done (also not an inaccurate way to describe what Jotaro himself went through, no wonder he’s the first to sympathize with Iggy).

Though his trials were countless, it was N’Doul that most prepared Jotaro mentally for the battle against DIO and his unending evil, not just in Cairo, but in the following decades. And I think of N’Doul’s burial as the moment that made Jotaro choose, of his own volition, to step up into his role as DIO’s Enemy, for all the good that would do him. Maybe evil needs a savior, but so do those who need to be saved from it. 

I realize I spent most of this post about N’Doul talking about Jotaro but honestly I do think of that as a mark of him being a great villain, I think he brought out something real special out of Jotaro as a character during that fight. 

[bropunzeling]

dvd commentary of your favorite scene in the girl!leon verse, AND/OR, any of the ducklings frat au from sonny milano's pov

ok in trying to pick a scene that was not. literally just pornography (lmao) i have selected the party at rob's, featuring the one and only captain brady

Leon sticks pretty close to Connor’s heels as they walk through the living room, nodding to guys she doesn’t know, chatting briefly with the ones she does. The one thing about being a little late to the party—and the drinking—is that everyone seems to accept her presence without question. All most of them want to talk about is whether they’ll be around next week or heading home; if they’re going to the lake at all before they have to report to camp. Leon nods her way through, but spends most of her time with her head on a swivel, on the lookout for broad shoulders and curly hair. [i have noticed that like. i love to have a scene of people going to parties and being on the lookout for someone else. it's just an emotion i associate really strongly with being twenty-something and pining and horny and having lots of big feelings. it's also good i think for like, showcasing the loneliness that comes with being in a crowd. i also liked this part because it's a little moment of like, Leon is part of this scene and this league, but also a bit a part from it. she's not someone who trains with scary gary, she's not someone who is going to be doing small talk with these people, and part of that is personality, and part of it is feelings, but also part of it is that boy's club vibe, you know?]

Eventually she gives up on staying inside. It’s too warm, has too many people she isn’t really interested in talking to. She leaves Connor with Zach, [i kept meaning to put more zach in because it seems like they're buddies! which was something i found out late in the process. sorry zach. see ya next time.] who they found by the table with the chips and dip, and heads out towards the patio. There’s still plenty of people in the back, but at least she’s outside, and there’s a bit more air, and she can grab another beer.

“Hey!”

Leon turns around, only to find herself facing Brady Tkachuk, double fisting a pair of Molsons. Brady Tkachuk, who’s smiling genially at her with an expression that makes him look unflatteringly like a cross between a chimpanzee and a baby [i know i say every joke is my favorite joke, but this may be my favorite joke. sorry brady. love you brady.] . Brady Tkachuk, who she’s only encountered sparingly, mostly when she’s trying not to get bulldozed by him and get the puck out to Connor or Kailer. [he is SUCH a wrecking ball lmao] Brady Tkachuk, who has no idea that she was fucking his brother for two and a half years. Or at least, she hopes so. [okay so my personal head canon (which, i guess it's my fic, so it's canon?) is that brady has suspected that matthew like. has had SOME sort of secret romantic thING going on, just because like, matthew is good at keeping secrets but also brady is his brother and like, matthew has had a LOT of feelings going on that will come out. but brady figured it was some normie and matthew wasn't telling him because he'd only want to say if it was ~something serious~.]

“Draisaitl! Didn’t expect to see you here,” Brady says, beaming at her.

“Uh,” Leon says intelligently. “I was in town, and Connor. You know.”

“Gotcha,” Brady says. Damn, he’s tall. She’s going to get a crick in her neck trying to maintain eye contact. “Well, good to see you. Even if Matthew might kill me for talking to you; he complains about playing against you a lot.” [matthew: gotta keep my secret not-a-relationship secret, because i said i would, and it's casual. also matthew: god leon draisaitl is so fucking annoying and skilled and keeps scoring fucking hat tricks and is so hot ]

Leon tries valiantly not to choke on her own spit and barely succeeds. “Oh?” she manages to get out. [leon the bad liar appears again! any time she has a real feeling she can't keep it off her face]

Brady laughs. “Well, guess all that doesn’t matter now. He'll have to hate Stammer instead.” He takes a sip of one of his beers, then continues, “Okay, so I know this is random, but do you mind giving me your number?”

Leon stares at him as her mind whirs, trying to catch up. “What?”

“Well, Jimmy Stu—sorry. Timmy, you know, Timmy Stützle?” Brady’s broad accent mangles the poor kid’s name; Leon winces, but he doesn’t notice. “He’s a huge fan of yours. Literally will not shut up about you, it’s kind of embarrassing—but he’d totally die if I gave him your number.” [timmy stu absolutely has an idiotic and horrible crush on leon that he will get over when he actually spends a weekend with her. timmy stu ALSO has an idiotic and horrible crush on his own captain that he will not be getting over any time soon.]

Leon has a fuzzy memory of watching the 2020 Draft and texting her dad about the kid from Germany who also went third. She knows she’s played against Stützle, obviously, but clearly his face hadn’t stuck with her. Doesn’t matter. She can be nice. “Yeah,” she replies. “Yeah, that’s—I can do that.” [i think one of the things i liked playing with here is leon being a mentor/leader -- obviously she has that with Kailer and her other teammates; in the secret future i have not written she definitely has this with rookies on her future team (esp esp if they're also girls in the league); she wants to be able to pay things forward, especially for people she feels similar to in terms of not being offered the same kind of respect and deference as other players]

“Sweet.” Brady beams at her again; Leon’s still reminded of monkeys, but in a more endearing way. [there is a line in an eva ibbotson book that describes someone's smile as a mix between an angel saying, behold! and a monkey offering someone a nut. anyways. i think about that in relation to brady] Maybe Matthew was right when he said Brady grows on people. “Thanks, Drai. I know it’ll mean a lot to him.”

“Leon,” Leon says, as she accepts the phone Brady manages to pull out without spilling his beers and starts typing in her number. “Just call me Leon.” [one thing that was fun to play with in this fic (less apparent right here but) was nicknames! obviously we now know that "only my friends call me drai" but for this version of leon, i liked having a team nickname (leo) and a family nickname (leonie) and what opponents call her (draisaitl) and then what matthew calls her (leon)]

“Leon it is.”

“Here you go.” Leon hands back his phone, then takes a sip of her own beer. She’s starting to get nervous again, which isn’t ideal. Maybe another sip will help. “Tell him I’m happy to talk.” A third sip. “Oh, and congratulations,” she adds. “On the engagement, I mean.” [god the engagement really was so perfect for this story. thank u brady for ur contributions to the narrative]

“Thank you,” Brady replies. He’s so fucking smiley; she wonders if his face has ever gotten stuck that way. "We're really excited to celebrate with everyone, you know?”

“Sure,” Leon says. She takes another sip of mediocre beer, but it doesn't make her feel better [listen. i just know in my heart that leon is a total beer snob in each and every universe, but in the way of like, she's still gonna DRINK it, she'll just complain about it.]. Brady takes her engagement comment as permission to tell her all about it.

It strikes her, as Brady starts talking about wedding planning and she nods along, that if she and Matthew were still whatever they were[she still can't say they were in a relationship yet because she is TOO NERVOUSE], if Leon hadn’t ruined everything, she already would’ve known everything Brady’s going to say. She would’ve heard about the proposal, the ring, the date, the venue options. She would’ve heard Matthew complaining about how it’s the only thing anyone will talk about, even though it’s only been a few weeks since Brady popped the question. She would’ve had a hundred texts on her phone and laughed at each one while being secretly grateful that Kim’s years away from her own wedding. The whole thing would’ve been funny, rather than jarring a sore spot between her ribs.

If she hadn’t fucked things up so badly, she might have even ended up on the fucking guest list. [leon does go to the wedding. she wears a suit. she gets trapped in conversation with some of matthew's aunts and great-aunts and various shirt-tail relatives and has to beg for freedom by staring desperately at matthew in the receiving line. half the nhl player guests aren't really sure why she's there. timmy knows, which is good, because she's seated at the sens table. taryn makes her do the macarena and then she and matthew have a lot of bubbly and sneak away to go make out.]

Jesus, she needs to get over herself.

Leon manages to check back into the conversation when Brady’s voice changes, and he waves so enthusiastically with one of his beers that she has to dodge to the side to avoid being showered in shitty Canadian lager. “Over here!” he calls, loud enough to make her ears hurt.

“Chill out, Brades,” says a familiar voice, and oh fuck, oh fuck.

She turns, and sees Matthew for the first time since they were shaking hands in the Saddledome. It steals the air out of her lungs. [hahaha girl u r so FUCKED]

Fuck, she thought she was ready. [this is obviously reflecting a motif in the previous chapter, but i think also like, isn't that so universal? you think you've managed to figure out your own feelings, figured out the logical way to get through them and react exactly how you want, and then it's like NOPE] But as she takes Matthew in—still tall enough that she has to tilt her chin to maintain eye contact, still broad, still horribly handsome—she has to admit she absolutely wasn’t. Maybe it’s yet another sign of how she hasn’t been thinking straight, but she wasn’t prepared to see Matthew and immediately want to have his skin under her palms again, to feel him laugh against her mouth. To have so much longing hit her in the gut that she can’t do anything but stare.

Judging by Matthew’s wide-eyed expression, he’s equally at sea. So that’s—that’s something, at least. [hahahaha boy u r so FUCKED] [genuinely though matthew is like, truly freaking the fuck out here. he also has been trying to get over leon, and has been kidding himself that he's succeeding at it (he reacted sooooo normally when she called him out of the blue! he did the emotionally responsible thing! he's taking care of himself and going to florida and gonna be Just Fine) and now here she is to prove that he hasn't. and even worse, she is standing next to his brother, the person who maybe knows him best after his mom.]

“Hey,” Brady’s saying, which snaps Leon back to the present, as he wraps an arm around Matthew’s shoulders and shakes him slightly. “I was just telling Leon about the wedding stuff.”

“I—oh,” Matthew says, and Leon really knows she’s fucked now, because even hearing him say that much makes her palms sweat. “Like you haven’t been doing that every day since you proposed,” he chirps weakly. [brady loves love, god, matthew is SUCH a cynic]

“Rude, Matty,” Brady says. His eyes flick between them and his forehead creases; Leon hadn’t wagered that Brady would be all that perceptive, but clearly she’d be losing money right now if she had. [the shoe has dropped for brady that there may in fact be a connection between "matthew almost definitely has some kind of secret situationship that he isn't telling me about" and "matthew did not shut up about leon draisaitl during most of the bubble season"] “Here, you can have this,” he says, pressing one of his beers into Matthew’s hand. “I’m gonna go find some food. You good if I leave you together? I mean, it’s not like you’re rivals anymore.” [obviously captain brady can tell when he's gotta give people can space! genuinely tho i think brady while bombastic and a big personality also obviously clearly has a pretty fine-tuned people sense]

“We’ll be fine,” Matthew says, still staring at Leon [he is soOoOoOo into her. he absolutely has not gotten over her but has told himself that, like a liar. rip]. Leon nods in agreement.

“Cool.” Brady nods, then gives Leon one last grin. “Nice talking to you, Leon.”

“You too,” Leon manages, and then it’s just the two of them. [:))))))))]

[softtdaisy]

IT'S NOT SUMMER WITHOUT YOU

DESCRIPTION I you didn’t say goodbye to eddie before leaving all summer, no matter how much you loved each other. or is it because of that you couldn’t find the courage to do it?

PAIRING I eddie munson × fem!reader

WORD COUNT I 2.1k

A/N I now I don’t want to talk about the last episodes, I'm in full denial. here’s some lovely stories with eddie instead (a story totally inspired by friends when rachel can’t say goodbye to ross)

“I need to know everything about your summer, ok? What did you do? What did you wear? Oh my god did you wear the cute little dress we both together and…”

“Ok, calm down Robin, I have all life to tell you about this.” You hugged your best-friend who immediately started to talk again when she realized you weren’t mad. Damn, you missed her so much these past months.

After you had graduated from high school, you got the perfect internship for your further studies. However, it was set in New York, far far away from Hawkins. You left for three good months and as much as you loved this experience, you missed your friends way too much. How were you supposed to survive away from Robin, the sunshine of your life? From Steve, your living private diary?

Or from Eddie, the guy you loved so much you almost didn’t leave?

You didn’t ask for a big party to celebrate your coming back. Having Steve and Robin around was everything you could ask for. So, seeing the kids all around you that night melt your heart immediately. You never thought they would miss you but apparently you were the kind of big sister they all needed in their life. “Don’t ever leave like that, ok?” Dustin made you promised. You never felt more love.

But right now, sitting on the grass with your glass of cocktail Robin imagined just for your comeback, you felt lonelier than ever. All those laughs, all those smiles meant nothing compared to Eddie’s. You kept looking at the door, excepting him to arrive. He would find an excuse that you would immediately accept. All you wanted was to see him again. You could kill for a hug from him, his hair falling on your shoulder, his perfume invading all your senses and his voice in your ears saying something stupid because love marks made him uncomfortable. But he was still doing them for you.

You were not technically dating before you left. It was…more complicated than that. You just loved each other too much you needed time to see where this could go. Until it was broken with your departure.

You still had a hard time explaining how you even met. He was Dustin’s friend, who was Steve’s friend, who was Robin’s best friend who was your own best-friend. Rather difficult and long, so you just used to say you had friends in common.

You remembered the first time you met him, when you were supposed to spend the night with Robin who in the end brought you to Dustin’s place. You expected to spend a movie night with the kids and Steve, something you already did in the past. Not being introduced to the Hellfire Club.

“I’m not playing.” You tried to explain that you were terrible at this game. Even Robin could testify that you would lose at almost everything you were playing. And if you were winning, it was only out of luck. But Eddie didn’t want to hear that. The way he walked right in front of you, only a few centimeters separating your two bodies made you lose your breath immediately.

“There is no bad player, only debutant that can learn.” He had such a charming voice that you would say yes without hesitation if you didn’t think he was wrong. There was no way you would understand that game. But the way he offered his hand to you was a rather good argument to change your mind.

“That’s not what you said to the other members!”

“Shut up Henderson.” You laughed at the way he rolled his eyes with a little smile. It was lovely to see this sweet part of him. You liked him a lot already and you only saw him a few minutes. Could you imagine the thing you were ready to do for this man after a few weeks? How you would feel seeing him everyday?

“I appreciate your offer, but I’m going to watch for this time.” Eddie still took your hand and kissed it. You heard a few disgusted noises from the back, but you couldn’t care less. “Next time then, love.” He blinked at you before taking his leader place. You watched the whole game…no. You watched Eddie leading the whole game. He was so charismatic; you couldn’t take your eyes off him. You were dying to ask questions about his look, about his passion or all the things you noticed about him that night.

Yeah, you fell for Eddie Munson pretty easily. So did he.

He used the excuse of teaching you how to play to see you again. Sometimes you were with the rest of gang. It was harder to flirt when Dustin kept coming for Eddie or Steve talking to you to protect you. “I didn’t want you to get your heart broken” he would tell you. “Maybe he won’t break my heart.” You would reply.

But most of the time, it was just the two of us at his uncle’s house. Eddie would indeed teach you how to play. You appreciated how patient he was with you. You would also ask him question of his life and fell more for him every single times. He even taught you how to play the guitar and nothing would ever beat this moment. When Eddie was sitting in your back, his arms around you, his breath against your neck while he was explaining every single things you had to, his fingers playing with yours.

Maybe it was your favorite moment because it was also the first time you tasted his gorgeous and delicious lips. A taste that quickly became your favorite flavor in the world.

The thing is, when you learnt you had to leave, you didn’t find the courage to tell him immediately. When you did, Eddie was the happiest for you and you knew he didn’t lie about his pride of seeing you do what you love.

But you barely saw him before leaving. It was too hard to look at him and know that you wouldn’t be able to see him for many months. How were you supposed to deal with life without your…he wasn’t your boyfriend. You wished he was. You wouldn’t be scared of being away. So you didn’t see him to the point you didn’t even get to say goodbye. If you knew your last date would be your last, you would have kissed him longer. You would have said how much you loved everything about him. Or more exactly, how crazy you were about him.

You guessed that was the reason why Eddie wasn’t there tonight.

“Go.”

You looked up at Robin and Steve, both of them standing still in front of you. “You’re asking me to leave the party made for me?” you frowned.

“You want to see Eddie, we get it. He didn’t want to come but you should go and see him by yourself.” And you did. You went to Eddie’s place right when they told you to. During the ride, you imagined how things would go. What you planned on telling him. How you were going to explain your feelings without telling too much in case he didn’t want something serious.

But Eddie wasn’t there. And you didn’t have the heart to go back to the party anymore. That wasn’t the night you imagined for your first day here.

Neither did you imagined you would see Eddie Munson sitting on your house doorsteps.

You took a moment to appreciate his look, that didn’t change at all through the summer. He still had those long brown hair that you loved playing with or grabbing when you were kissing. He was wearing his jean jacket with his Hellfire club t-shirt underneath. His rings were shinning with the moon and you missed the feeling of the cold silver against your skin. You missed everything about Eddie.

When you walked to him, you excepted him to smile or to hug you. He went to your house right? He wanted to see you, that was what it supposed to mean. But he didn’t. “You didn’t say goodbye.” His voice sounded sad and disappointing. It was like a knife thrown right into your heart.

“Eddie…” you started but he put his hand up. A nice and elegant way to ask you to shut up. Eddie was never scared of being playfully mean to you like he was with the kids. He could tell you to shut up or go to Hell without a hesitation. So, it kind of surprised you that he didn’t. Maybe because usually, he could kiss you to make up for it.

“You left me. You fucking left me there all summer. But that’s fine, I was happy for you. I still am, you deserved it. But damn, a goodbye [y/n] that was all I was asking for!” The closer he was walking to you, the higher his voice was getting. His hands were shaking. You could tell how much he meant to him. “I thought you cared about me! I fucking care about you and I didn’t get a proper goodbye! I didn’t want to say goodbye while being with the others. I thought I was special enough for you to get a real one.”

You were lost of words. You got lost in his beautiful and sad brown eyes for a few seconds. You could feel all the desperation in his voice and how hurt he must have been all summer. Then it hit you. “You think I didn’t care about you?” you were confused. All those dates meant nothing?

“That’s what it seemed like, yeah.” Eddie was trying to stay strong in front of you, acting like none of this mattered anymore. When in reality, he just wanted to grab your face and kissed you like he never did before. He wanted to make up for all those weeks. But a broken heart was in the middle of the field. He couldn’t do that after feeling that bad for three months.

“I can’t believe it…” you sighed, running your hands through your hair…before hitting Eddie with the same hand. “It was too hard Eddie! I can’t even explain how much I missed you all summer. The only person that came to my mind day and night was you. Not Robin, not my family, only you. Not being able to see you every single day was the hardest thing I had to do these pasts months. So, if you think I didn’t come to say goodbye because you mean less than the others you’re absolutely wrong Eddie! It’s because you mean more than everybody. If I had said goodbye, I would never have had left. Because I would have known I wouldn’t survive a whole summer without you.”

You both stayed silent for a good minute, only looking at each other with sad eyes. This was not the way you thought you would reunite with Eddie. Not with tears on your cheek and shaking hands.

When the silence became too much for you, you started walking to your door. Fine, if he didn’t want to accept your explanation it was his fault.But you didn’t get to do many steps before Eddie grabbed your wrist. He wrapped his arms around you and hugged you against his chest so hard you were almost choking. But it didn’t matter. You were back where you wanted to be: in the arms of the man you loved.

“I didn’t survive this summer without you.” He whispered into your ears. You let a joyful tear ran through your cheek before grabbing his face with a hand on his cheek. He looked at you with confusion for a second before getting what you wanted to do.

One day, when you were learning the guitar with him, Eddie told you he wasn’t a fan of romantic stuff. “I don’t even say I love you, ugh.” He pretended to throw up, which made you laugh stupidly. Mostly because you loved the proud smile he was wearing when you were laughing at his jokes. “So how do you prove the person you love that you care about them?” you asked him. You were curious to see if he tried to show it to you in the past and you just didn’t get it.

“I find other ways to say it.”  

And that night, when you kissed Eddie in front of your house, after months of being away from him, you knew he found his way of saying he loved you.

[encrucijada]

@moonssugar i said i wanted to do all the questions so i'm doing that ✨️ let's go, haze dogs!

👀 - an excerpt from my WIP

in the morning you walked home crying and covered in after-party remnants — glitter in your hair, a ripped dress, gashes on your black stockings, no shoes on, and blood artistically on your neck.

👑 - a random fact about one of my ocs

connor and ángel do archery! this is in part because i do archery but also because they really needed a hobby. i think it's also gonna be how they become close and eventually start dating.

🦀 - a favourite piece of dialogue

yay church scene!!

ángel pressed his smile to your cheek, compelled you to smile in kind. you felt the edges of his teeth like he intended to bite your cheekbone off. “you’re going to hell for blasphemy.”

“we’re all going to hell for it, my sin was being named an idol against my will.”

“and desecrating the house of god.”

“this hasn’t been god’s house for a decade, i had nothing to do with it. the place was empty,” you said, “ripe for the taking. so, i did.”

☀️ - current word count

2678 if we include the church scene and the scene of connor going to ángel's house after getting a little bit bloody. of the actual manuscript i have 474 words lmao

❄️ - toughest aspect of my wip

actually getting the ball rolling has been the hardest part. i'm banking on actually writing whenever i get to it to help me with character dynamics and connecting the plot points in my head.

🍕 - my characters' favourite foods

i feel like connor would really enjoy an empanada de papa. ángel feels like the type to say pasta with white sauce is his favourite. acacia Loves ice cream. benjy could live off of spicy chicken wings.

⚽️ - genre of my wip

low fantasy horror. at least i like to pretend it's horror but i get easily freaked out so it's might just be a little spook.

🤔 - what's the inspiration behind my wip

it's a combination of things. i wanted to write horror for reasons i forgot but the only good idea i had for a horror story couldn't lean all on the horror because of what i wanted it to do (aka disasters to sleep through which is more about healing your inner child and loneliness and love). so i had to find something new. i have a half-finished short story titled homeward & bound about two friends driving home down a creepy road with one of the girl's niece and the other's dog, and no matter how far they drive they never seem to make any progress. it's got subtle horror elements, all encompassed in the dog, inspired by a prompt i saw in one of those "southern gothic aesthetic" lists on tumblr about having to walk your dog so it's not restless and something bad happens. i decided to go from there with haze dogs, though i made without the two friends or the spooky car ride and just kept the dog. i've had recurring nightmares of being chased by creatures that want to kill me with their teeth no matter what, i used that and what little i know of stephen king's children of the corn from youtube videos with their ritualistic sacrifices to an entity that basically lives in their backyard. the cult stuff appeared when i decided to introduce ángel into the story, he's regulus black in a different font because stealing from terfs is encouraged. with his family situation coming straight from the blacks i skewed it slightly to the left and now you have a rich, manipulative mother who wants influence over the town. connor is inspired somewhat on wren from the podcast spines, most especially that initial sacrifice with her waking up in a pool of her own blood looking up at people she knows (in connor's case it's her classmates).

🎁 - prologues or no prologues, why?

none! it's better to just jump straight into the action with this one.

🎶 - wip playlist

the fruits by paris paloma

animal by pvris

you should see me in a crown by billie eilish

the unwanted animal by the amazing devil

which witch by florence + the machine

arsonist's lullabye by hozier

take me to church by hozier

the tradition by halsey

in the woods somewhere by hozier

[venussophia]

She has long messy hair that she hates to brush, but then she gets mad when it gets tangled.

She knows lady luck is not by her side and it hasn't been for basically all her life.

She's only 18 but she feels like her life has ended. Yes, she feels like she's still 5 years old, or worse, like she's still in her mother's womb. Why? Well, she's never had any type of experience with anything. She doesn't really have any hope for anything to get better or for her life to start.

She has never been to a concert, she hasn't been on a plane, she's never been to another country, she hasn't been at the beach for 6 years (oh, and now she can't be at the beach, everyone would see her scars) no first kiss, no sleepovers, never attended a proper party.

She just finished school and know she doesn't know what to do. For context, school left her completely drained and she knows attending university would end up with her taking her own life, especially because she would have to work and study at the same time, her parents can't afford university.

She needs glasses but she hates them. She is currently wearing contacts, however, she won't be able to afford later on and she will go back to wearing glasses. She always takes them out for pictures, her already very low self esteem gets even lower when she remembers everyone can see her wearing her stupid glasses.

She loves makeup. I mean, of course someone as insecure as her loves makeup. She doesn't go out with at least a little bit of makeup. She feels better with it, but then she remembers how she really looks like and while she thinks she's pretty enough, she definitely thinks she's not drop dead gorgeous.

She lives in one of the worst parts of her city. I'm not even gonna get in details, but god, her house is the furthest thing from pretty.

She lives with her parents, they're ok. She loves them most of the time and hates them just the normal amount.

Her much older sister is also there, she can't afford to move out of the house yet. She loves her most of the time and hates her almost never. She will die a little when her sister moves out of the house, but of course she'll pretend she's fine.

She doesn't have any talent, at the end of the day all she does is lay on her bed and be chronically online. Even when she was in school she never had a talent.

All she does is fake, she just daydreams and rots.

Because she loves music, so in her head she's a singer and songwriter and producer and multi instrumentalist. In reality, when she records her voice while singing she sounds terrible, she had guitar lessons but forgot the very little she learnt and she doesn't understand musical production. She has written songs though, and she thinks they're ok.

She's aroace and she struggles with it like a motherfucker. A blessing and a curse in her life, specially because she fears her parents and sister reaction the day she finally says: "Hey, I'll be a lonely virgin forever." Despite being asexual (it's an spectrum at the end of the day), she's a horny little girl but she thinks that's a consequence of her loneliness and touch starvation.

She would marry a rich man though and would pretend she loves him, would have sex with him and would even raise some kiddos. If it meant having the perfect rich life.

She would kill and die for being rich and important. She would sell her soul for that. She want to get invited to big events, she wants to wear expensive clothes, she knows she might still be miserable as a rich girl, but who cares? She's miserable as a poor girl anyway.

Actually being rich and important is the only dream she has and it's scary because she knows she would do the unthinkable just to get a little taste of that world.

She's shy though, she has social anxiety. She has tried everything but it doesn't work. She's way too conscious about people calling her a friend just for the sake of it. That's not what she wants.

She keeps a cold-hearted façade only as a coping mechanism, in reality she craves human connection and closeness more than anything.

The truth is, she once loved. She once had it, and the she lost it. She lost the only real friend she ever had. She was cold and her best friend was sunshine. And of course, everyone wants to be around sunshine. In retrospective sunshine and her could have never stayed together. They were way too different, maybe in a opposites attract kind of way, but that wore of. She wanted her best friend to be like her, her best friend wanted to be a social butterfly. I'm not gonna tell the whole story right now because you'll be hearing from Miss sunshine a lot.

It did not end well, she went through friend after friend seeking the connection she had with her sunshine. She stayed with the most awful people just so she wasn't alone, she put up with every single one of their abuses to not lose them. In the end she did, she lost everything and everyone, even herself, and she's been alone for so long it's scary for her to think about letting go of her loneliness.

She thinks she will never have friends again. At least not a best friend who make you feel alive and happy. It's sad, she thinks, but it doesn't really matter. Why? In her head everything is possible.

Maladaptive Daydreaming is her super power and her curse. It's time now to write at least 1% of what goes through her mind.

So welcome to the show.

"She" is me.

[aria0fgold]

2nd post bout my thoughts on End Roll, spoiler heavy, go! Aheeemm... I think this is the first ever game I've played that has no actual happy ending. Granted I haven't played that many games but still... It was an experience...

I'm putting all the blame on Russell's family, especially his parents, MOSTLY his parents. Scum of the earth bro I hate them so much. Bro like, can people not actually well equipped to have a child not have one at all like please you people are the worst kinds of humans I swear to god bro. WHY EVEN BIRTH A KID YOU AREN'T GONNA CARE FOR??? Mumble grumble, ohhh Why do I even have a kid like you says the shittiest mom in the world WELL WHY DID YOU EVEN GO THROUGH THE LABOUR THEN YA WHORE??? ABORTION YA BITCH IF YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT A KID? Russell's parents are the fucking worst bro like I swear I can't even-- Like I'm so glad they're dead, but I just wish it wasn't Russell that had to do it cuz look at the poor boy, he's... he's got so many problems and is also dead as well, goddammit.

A thing bout this game's story is that it actually puts a knife on your chest that it pushes further and further in the more you progress and twists it in certain sections. Like there was a part in the game, where I think is just a sidequest you can skip but it adds so much more on the story and Russell's character. It makes him so human in a way where it reminds you that Russell isn't just some kid that killed so many people, it reminds you that Russell IS just a kid overcome by loneliness and jealousy. Even if it's just a little section, a small memory of him meeting another kid in an aquarium, of him helping that kid and accompanying her around, even if it was that small singular memory, it shows so much anyway.

The way he remembered that memory, how he still remembered what the girl said, but because of everything that has happened to him, that memory got corrupted in a way where the girl was turned into a monster he had to defeat in his Happy Dream. The stuff that girl says towards Russell during the fight. It really just hammers in the fact that had it not been for everything he went through, Russell would've really just been any other kid playing around, talking with his peers, making happy memories like that. It's just... maaaaaan...

This game hurts in so many ways bro and I can't even blame anyone (i lied i can blame someone and that someone is russell's parents i will never stop blaming his parents). Like... Gardenia was just a really kind girl... Inviting everyone in the class to her birthday party, my heart breaks each time her warped form appears, the way she cries bout her happiness being taken away and how she keeps saying for Russell to give it back... I can blame Russell there for the fact that he pushed an innocent girl off the stairs to her death but I also can't fully blame him cuz it's all his parents fault really. You're gonna be seeing me blaming his parents for everything at this point.

Dogma and Cody are my faves, I always put em together in the same team and their death sequence broke my heart too... The way Cody was calling for her brother and how Dogma tried to get to Cody too despite the burning church and how they're burning as well like maaaan... MAAAANNN... also the boss fight brooo..... their mom...... their mom who is just so furious at Russell and how she wants her children to be laid to rest despite how it hurts her to know they're dead and that one bit of dialogue of her saying that it should've been her and like maaaaaannnnn.... Russell you had a bit of opportunity there to... I don't know, ask their mom to care for you??? Why did you have to burn the church with her kids my guy... But again, I can't blame hiiiimmmm, head in hands bro....

[animegirl1363]

Omega 5D's

AO3

Summary: Once he presented as a beta, Crow gave up on trying to find romance. He wouldn't be able to give his partners what they needed anyways. He was content in helping his friends with their love lives and helping them experience the romance he can not.

Until a certain trickster comes along to show Crow that he too can enjoy the sweet fruit of romance bliss.

Beta’s are usually an afterthought in the minds of everyone. Their pheromones neutralize alpha’s and omega’s. Meaning they can’t be coated by their partner or coat others in their scent. The alpha's territory would constantly be erased by their own lover. And an omega wouldn’t have a scent to cling to during heat.

They can’t reproduce Yes, even the female beta’s. They can’t become pregnant or impregnate someone else. It is tragic since the point of this dynamic is to reproduce.

This means that beta’s are often overlooked as potential partners or someone’s side choice. Not really seen as anything desirable. Either position was not a fun one to be on. Be treated as failures or as a sex toy to satisfy other’s libido. It’s no wonder that most beta’s just kill themselves. It is a less painful option.

It comes as no surprise that Crow is a bit jaded. When someone tries to flirt with him, he shuts them down.

“I am a beta.” He will say firmly forcing the conversation to speed up.

This phrase will cause one of two things to happen: 1. They will walk away, usually murmuring something about how his good looks are wasted or 2. They will press on no enthralled at having a free fuck toy without worrying about pregnancy afterwards.

When this scenario happened at the WRGP after party he did the same song and dance, “I’m a beta.”

“Oh!” Brave rubbed his neck in confusion. “I’m an alpha.”

“Then let’s just end things here.” Crow cut of the alpha. “We are rivals anyways. Let’s save each other the trouble.”

Crow walked back over to the group before Brave could utter another word. This was how it had to be. It was to protect his own feelings.

-

Brave was an oddity among alphas. He could not tolerate the smell of pheromones. It was just certain ones it was all of them. Instead of becoming intoxicated or fearful, he would become dizzy or nauseous. Worst case scenario he would want to vomit.

No doctors could figure out why or what caused this. Brave just had to deal with it. He thanked the gods that releasing pheromones were not involuntary. His life would be hell. Brave had resigned himself to a life of loneliness.

His two omega friends did help him gain some resistance to pheromones. The goal was to raise Brave’s resistance so he would have a higher tolerance threshold. They did this by having planned sessions where one would release pheromones into the room. It started as small doses as they worked up to bigger doses. It got better to the point where Brave does not scrunch his nose up at things coated in small doses of pheromones. He could even bare his friends involuntary releases during high emotions.

For the most part it worked. He doesn’t feel the taste of bile in his throat from simply walking past an object that has been coated.

When he saw the red head on Team 5D’s, he was enamored. He couldn’t explain it. Maybe it was the gods or some part of his alpha instants. He felt a spark between them. His feelings were only furthered by the impeccable match-up.

Harald and Yusei had to fight each other, both being the leaders.

Dragan had history with Jack.

That left Brave with Crow. There was not bad blood between the two. Yes, they were rivals. Aside from the fate of the world that was just a normal thing in dueling.

So after the match was over, he wanted to shoot his shot. Problem was, he was the one to take the bullet.

“Congratulations! How does it feel to stand in the winners circle.” He spoke.

“I may be on the winning team, but I want a rematch.” Crow faced brave with a smirk. “I had you!”

“If that outcome is gonna make you pay attention to me, then I’m glad I forced the draw.” Brave voice was much more flirtatious this time. It wasn’t lost on Crow.

“I’m a beta.” Brave was met with a stern hostility. One that was waiting for his response. But he couldn’t. His mind was all jumbled. A beta! The answer to his forever alone issue. Beta’s were the only pheromones that didn’t cause him sickness. Problem, beta’s were rare. He didn’t want this chance to slip away.

“Um I am an alpha.” Brave smacked himself. He tripped over his own words.

"Lets end this here." Before he could utter another word, Crow had walk away.

No worries, there would be plenty of time to court Crow when he returned from the Ark Cradle. Yes, when. There was no way Brave was entertaining the alternative. His Crow would definitely return back safely.

‘I am already calling him ‘mine’’. Brave internally scolded himself. ‘I have to tone down the alphaness…’

After the disaster was over, Harald, Dragan, and Brave took up as residents of Neo Domino City.

[yandere--stuck]

Bad Blood - Yandere!Batman x Reader x Yandere!Joker

It wasn't just The Joker who had been watching you. And to a point, you were aware of that.

After all, that just came with the territory of being a minor celebrity within Gotham city. It wasn't often that those considered "famous" in Gotham didn't either have connections to the mafia or were locked up within Arkham or Blackgate. 

As a reporter, you were watched on the news, on the streets - occasionally approached by fans, at parties where you mingled with your peers or made connections. All rather normal, really.

But, there were times when you could just feel it in your bones. You were being watched.

Like in the dark of night, the moon following you on your walk home. Alone. When the light from street lamps bathed everything in orange. The streets empty, the occasional car zooming by. It was then that you had felt watched.

It was understandable, something innate in humans, to feel frightened of the dark and the paranoia of being alone. Our imaginations run wild, and we trick ourselves into thinking that there's something out there with us. Someone following our every move, hiding just out of sight. But, no matter how many times you swore you were being watched, nothing ever happened. No muggings, no stalkers, no threats. When you got back to your apartment, unlocking and then re-locking all six of the locks on your door, you were able to let out a sigh of relief - it was just your own paranoia getting the best of you. You weren't being followed. You could relax, knowing that it was all in your head.

But, it wasn't.

Your paranoia wasn't unfounded. The shiver of your spine at the feeling of being watched wasn't your mind tricking itself. But, of course, even when you'd turn around to try and spot someone, something, you hadn't been able to see him. He had hid in the shadows and crouched atop rooftops, keeping watch over you.

He had done so every night. The moment you left the studio, to when you started your walk, and then headed home. He even stuck around to peer through your window, making sure you were truly safe. It wasn't something any of the Robins or Oracle knew about - it wasn't something they had to know. Well… It's not like he exactly lied about what he was doing during the alotted time of your walk home. But, he also didnt want to admit it, either - not that he thought what he was doing was wrong, but… He just didn't want anyone to be worried. To get the wrong idea. And it rarely took time out of his nightly patrol, just fifteen minutes. It wasn't a big deal.

He was just protecting you. That was just his job. He was supposed to protect the people of Gotham. To protect you. He just had a… Fixation, that's all. And when Bruce gets fixated on something, it's like pulling teeth for him to keep away.

Bruce met you like he does with most reporters - at a charity event. He had seen your stories on the news a few times beforehand, and braced himself for the usual song and dance - Vicki Vale trying to score something on the record for something much juicier and personal than the cause he was donating to, or perhaps Jack Ryder trying to rile him up to get him to throw a fit for a story. He was pleasantly surprised, however, when you treated him like an actual person. Sure, it could be that you were off the clock - but really, when were reporters ever really off the clock?

Most people would bend over backwards to get themselves into Brice Wayne's good graces. But, you… You talked to him like he was no different than anyone else. Maybe a bit reserved, but you had only just met, after all. In spite of this, Bruce found himself able to relax, chatting with you about the party, about your days up to then, your different careers. Bruce felt like he could actually be himself. With you, he wasn't Batman, nor was he billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. He was just… Himself.

Him and you.

He decides to stick by your side most of the evening, you and him talking long into the night. About your lives, your worries, your hobbies, your interests. It had been so long since he talked about such personal things with someone, even Alfred. And you understand. You understand his worries of responsibility, the weight of the world among his shoulders, you understand the suffocation of isolation, you under his inability to move on from the trauma of his past, try as he might. You understand. Of course you do…

You acted as someone to vent to. A listening ear. You offered up advice, even if you might not have the right answers to his problem. Sure, you might not know the full extent of his stress, but it's the thought that counts. It's almost like this night was made for you and him. 

Something like, fate - that is, if Bruce had actually believed in something like that.

After that night, he found himself making a point to watch you on the news. The way you talked on the television is how you talked with him that night. Personable, comfortable, familiar. You might not be talking to him directly, but it warms his heart and staves off the icy chill of loneliness.

He went out of his way to find you during other important, publicized events. Most likely, you probably thought it was a coincidence that you kept finding yourself in his company. You most likely thought him as just an acquaintance, nothing more… But, oh, you meant so much to him.

And, oh, when you talked about Batman? Knowing that it was him you were talking about (even if you had no idea)... He'd be lying if it didn't make him a bit flustered. Your praises, the way you saw him as an inspiration, hoping after every mission that he was alright… And when you look into the camera and say to him, to Batman, through the screen, that you wish him a nice night and to be safe…?

God. He was smitten. And, really, that was his biggest mistake.

Feelings just made things complicated. He had learned that a long time ago. That everything he touched and loved was inevitably destroyed. It's why he works alone more often than not. He doesn't want someone getting hurt because of him ever again. Bruce has enemies, and Batman has even more. 

Even if he had tried to reach out to you as Bruce, as himself, who's to say you would have wanted to be with him? Why would someone like you want Bruce Wayne - someone who most of Gotham portrayed as an immature playboy who never got over the death of his parents. While the second part wasn't exactly wrong, the whole playboy thing was just a diversion. But, how in the hell was he supposed to explain that?

It was easier to just let you go. You'd be happier, and more importantly, safer without his presence in your life.

So, he satiated himself on watching you, protecting you from the shadows, and kept himself sane by rewatching footage of you he's stashed within your home and around your apartment building. If he adored you from afar, that wouldn't hurt anything, right?

… But now, he's wishing he had just taken the chance. He had been good, had left you alone.

And he watched as the helicopter you were in was shot down. Watched as the recording cut off. Heard as you screamed at the top of your lungs. He replayed what he had seen over and over in his mind, losing himself. Bruce had gone so tense in disbelief and grief and rage that by the time Alfred had brought him back to reality, his nails had dug into the armrest of his loveseat.

He had insisted to himself later that night that  investigating the scene of the crime wasn't fueled by personal connection or any feelings he may have. It was Batman's job. And if he ignores all the other bodies in favor of one that is presumed to be yours, it's just because he notices something different about it from the other's, that's all.

The body was decomposed far beyond that of the others, and had been exposed to the elements longer than the others. And to add onto that, the DNA sample Bruce had collected was matched with a body that had been gone missing from Gotham General.

Bruce's heart fluttered with hope and relief. You were alive, you had to be. But, just as quickly, realization crashed into him. If you were alive, it's only because Joker wanted you to be.

... What was he doing to you?

---

You stared down at the meal the Clown Prince of Crime had prepared for you - well, if you could call heating up a frozen dinner "preparing". It's not like you were exactly in a place to complain, though, considering the predicament you were stuck in.

Counting the time you had spent unconscious and Joker getting you situated and up to speed, it was most likely a few hours since the incident. You were feeling rather hungry… But, in spite of all of The Joker's lovey-dovey talk, you weren't quite sure if you could trust him to not serve you poisoned food. Even worse, however, was that you were still tied up - meaning the clown had to feed you, and you were even more unsure that he wouldn't kill you if you refused to eat.

In spite of the circumstances, and the dingy place you were trapped in, it wasn't exactly the worst. Hell, Joker had even lit up some candles for some mood lighting. Not exactly the worst "date", you had been on, sadly enough.

"Ready for some grub?" The Joker lurched into view, straightening his tie as he shot you a grin. "You must have worked up quite an appetite by now, considering all the excitement!"

You smiled in return, hoping it didn't look too strained as you nodded. You watched as he got his utensils ready, cutting up some of the food into smaller bites. You kept especially close attention on the hand holding a knife - though, it wasn't like you had any way to flee if he had decided to turn it on you.

The Joker stabbed at the food with a fork, setting down the knife, as he moved to raise your meal to your lips, while you attempted not to turn your head away. The fork approached closer and closer, and you tried to rid your mind of awful thoughts, like an eye being ripped out of its socket, implanted on the fork's tongues. But, then, The Joker suddenly stopped.

"Oh, silly me! I almost forgot," The Clown Prince set down the utensils, digging into the inside of his suit. With a flourish, he unveiled a bright, colorful, and clearly plastic flower, holding it out to you. "A present for you, m'dear! Go on, take a whiff."

You shook in your seat. Oh, God. You knew exactly where this was going. He had played you this whole time, like predators played with their food. He had made you think he had developed this obsession with you and managed to lull you into a false sense of security. And just when you were sure you were going to make it out of this situation alive, he planned to hit you with his trademark laughing gas and watch as you died.

You held back tears, shivering with fear and despair. And The Joker looked so happy, so encouraging. You were going to die. You had hit the end of the road.

You leaned forward, taking a breath through your nose-

And jumped, letting out a scream as the ceiling caved in, a dark figure crashing through. You whipped your head to face it- and winced as a small stream of water hit your cheek. Blinking once, twice, three times, you slowly turned to the clown and the trick flower in his hand.

Oh. So, it was just a regular trick flower. Not a deadly one. Okay. Okay, yeah. Sure. Great.

Groaning softly, your whole body went limp. You hung your head, shaking it slowly. Whatever. Whatever happened next, you didn't care. You were too exhausted.

"Aw, c'mon, Bats! Don'tcha know it's rude to upstage someone's act?" Joker asked. "Besides, you weren't invited to our little date night..."

...Batman?

From your periphery, you could see it. See him. 

Oh, thank God. Thank fucking God. You were saved! Batman was going to save you!

All the tiredness seemed to instantly fade as you were overwhelmed with adrenaline and relief. You were saved. You were saved. Batman was going to save you. Batman was going to protect you and make sure you were all right. You didn't have to worry or be scared anymore. Batman would do all of the worrying for you.

"You broke out of Arkham, killed innocent people, and kidnapped the sole survivor after almost killing them, as well," Batman seethed, his voice a growl. "You're going back to Arkham, and I'll be taking them with me, where they'll be safe."

"Hey! First off, the whole helicopter thing wasn't me, it was one of my boys. Well… To be fair, I had intended on killing them when we downed the thing, but eh, two birds with one stone, I suppose. I wouldn't even have been mad about it, if my darling reporter here hadn't almost been hurt in the crash," The Joker moved behind you, making you seize up as he grasped your shoulders, massaging them slightly. "And really, Bats, if this is some kind of jealousy thing, you could always just ask to share."

"You're insane." Batman spat.

"Babes, you really need to get some better material," The Clown tutted. "And I was being honest! I'm actually trying to communicate here," You were suddenly spun around, locking eyes with your hero. You shuddered as the Joker nuzzled you from behind, unable to stop your face from heating up. "What do you think, darling? How's about a three-way date with me and the big bad Bat?"

"I… I-I-" You stuttered, unable to get a coherent thought put as you burned with embarrassment.

Could anyone blame you for having a little  crush on Batman? You'd bet a good majority of Gothamites felt the same toward their dear Dark Knight. Hell, you'd even bet that some of the Rogues that the Caped Crusader went up against had feelings for him. It was pretty obvious the Joker did, at least.

And the Joker… He was a monster. A criminal. But, the time you've spent with him… Well, you could better understand how Dr. Quinnzel fell for the man. Despite your knowledge of the horrible crimes he committed, the way he treated you so kindly, it was hard to not get flustered, to not feel special. It was hard to ignore his humor, his affection for you, his pet names, his sweet gestures- no, no. This- this was ridiculous. You had to stop. You weren't thinking straight.

"Get your hands off of them!" The Bat spat.

"But I don't wanna!" Joker let out an exaggerated whine, before descending into giggles. Painted lips brushed against your neck. "Besides, I don't think they want me to…"

You felt hypersensitive, the brush of the Clown's lips drawing a whine from your throat.

Your eyes shot open wide as a pained scream ripped from Joker. You turned as best you could, watching the man stumble back, clutching his hand - a batarang sticking piercing through it, blood bubbling up from the wound and dripping to the floor.

The Joker hissed, bristling with rage. "Bats, why you-!"

In an instant, Batman shot put his batclaw, the claw digging into The Joker's suit, before retracting. The Joker stumbled as he rocketed forward, his face immediately colliding with Batman's fist. Before he could fall back, the Dark Knight caught him by the throat and squeezed. The Clown wheeled and coughed in shock at the closing of his windpipe and his desperation to breathe. The Bat slowly lifted another fist - and hit the other man so hard that even you winced. You watched as Joker fell onto his back with a low groan. The Batman stood above him, glowering and breathing heavily as he looked down on his nemesis.

"Batsy, babe… Ya know I love it when you play rough, but Jesus, warn a guy first, will ya?" The Joker laughed wearily, seemingly in a daze. 

Sneering, Batman grabbed his nemesis by his coat, tossing him aside onto his stomach. His foot came down to stomp onto his arm, making the other man whimper, and the Bat reached down to rip the batarang free from his hand, and in turn, ripping a scream from Joker's throat. Pulling out a pair of batcuffs, the Caped Crusader roughly restrained the man's arms, before lifting him to his feet.

"Careful with the merchandise…" The Joker grumbled.

With a second pair of cuffs, the Bat attached one of the cuffs to the Joker's ankle, the Clown laughing as he attempted to kick at the Bat to heed his progress, and then the other to a metal support pillar protruding from the floor.

And then, in the next instant, Batman was at your side, diligently working to free you from the shackles that bound you. As the restraints loosened, you took in a deep breath before letting out a shuddering sigh. You tried to stand, only for your legs to give out from under you - you had spent so long in that position that your legs had fallen asleep - but it was okay. Batman caught you. He caught you and he held you and pulled you into a hug. A gloved hand petted your hair soothingly.

"It's okay. You're safe, you're okay," The Bat rumbled. "I've got you."

This. This was what you loved most about The Batman. As much as he was revered for the fear he struck into the heart of evil, how he acted as a phantom in the night, fighting back against the criminals that roamed Gotham in the night… What you loved most was what came after. Your interviews with survivors of criminal attacks are what made you grow a fondness for the Dark Knight. How comforting they said he was. How he reassured them, made them feel safe. When he was there, they knew everything was okay. They knew they were safe. That everything was going to be okay.

Everything was going to be okay.

And you melted into his hold.

He continued to murmur reassurances as he began to massage your legs until the static feeling went away and you found the strength to stand - and even then, he let you lean against him as you walked out into the night together.

"You'll pay for this, Bats," The Joker spat, expression dark… Until he locked eyes with you, and his visage softened. "How about same time next week, love?"

Before you could think of responding, Batman pulled out of the building and far, far away from the madman within.

---

Bruce had to fight to keep his driving steady. His body was flooded with adrenaline and his heart rabitted a mile a minute. His entire being felt electric.

He had touched you, held you. And you held him back, reassured and calmed by him. It was everything he had dreamed of. You had leaned against for support and let him help you climb into the batmobile.

He had managed to track The Joker down to one of his usual hideouts that he and Harley stayed at - an old, abandoned amusement park that had been sold to him. Well, would have been sold to him, if he hadn't killed the owner of the property before they could seal the deal.

He kept sneaking glances at you from the corner of his eye. You, resting your head against the window, eyes shut as you tried to get some rest after everything you had been through. You could rest for as long as you liked. He was here now. Bruce would keep you safe.

Bruce took his usual shortcut into the batcave, driving into a cave opening just outside the manor, and you lifted your head, startled by the sudden turn and shift in light behind your eyes.

"Batman, where are we?"

Home.

You gasped as restraints wrapped over your ligaments, tying you down to the seat.

Bruce knew this was wrong. But, after such a long career as the Batman, he had learned that he often had to do the wrong thing in order to get the right outcome. He really wished there was any other way… But, you had a target on your head now. You'd be safe with him. He'd keep you deep within the batcave and visit you often. 

You sputtered, eyes wide with shock and disbelief and… Betrayal. Bruce hated the thought of you looking at him like that. He leaned over, softly pressing a kiss to your forehead. He felt you shiver under his touch.

He'd get you settled and comfortable. He'd reveal his true self to you at some point, but that was for later. You had been through enough for one night.

"You're safe now." Bruce lied promised. "I've got you."

[meetinginsamarra]

sorted by word count/series

———————

Mutual Attraction 94k , pre ASiP, different first meetings, casefic, pining

The day when a homeless drug addict and a suicidal ex-soldier met was the beginning of something until then unheard-of: Mutual Attraction. Of course, not all was what it looked like in the first place but the days of boredom, loneliness and lack of purpose were history. A case had to be solved, lives had to be saved and a developing relationship had to be tackled.

———————

Here I Am -series, the pornwithoutplot which evolved into pornwithplot with feels and whump

The Toe that didn´t belong 6.9k, Part One

Every time John thought back to the occasion the funny thing was that the first thing he had noticed to be out of place had been a…toe.

The Embers still glow when I´m sober 14,5k, Part Two

When Sherlock woke up the morning after he actually felt good. Which was completely unexpected. Although he was sort of anxious about John´s reaction when he would notice that the punk who did not belong in his bed and who had coaxed him into having shameless sex last night was still there.

Gravity is missing from everything 23.5k, Part Three

People bumped into him, cussing and throwing death glares. Blocking their way, Sherlock stood frozen in a throng of commuters. “Are you high?” one shouted into his vacant face. Funnily enough he actually was not. This was all John´s fault. Inflicting a date on him. To have dinner.

———————

Learn My Scars, 38k, written for whumptober 2022, Serbia and the aftermath

After being thrown down and strangled, Sherlock leaves John in the restaurant, angry and deeply hurt. When John follows Sherlock to 221b, he learns that Sherlock’s scars have not been acquired by “gallivanting around” for two years.

———————

The 13th Book 26.5k,  a magical realism AU with demon Sherlock

Summoning a demon was actually quite simple if you could avoid getting killed in the process. Therefore, only the powerful, the desperate or the stupid would attempt it. John Watson was likely the first, definitely the second but hopefully not one of the third kind.

———————

Sherlock’s Secret Laboratory Journal 6k, my outlet for writing cracky hilarious Sherlock, will become a series with adding a chapter for each new experiment

What does a helplessly pining but absolutely clueless Sherlock do in order to woo an oblivious John? He turns to the internet for advice on the art of seduction and notes the experiments in his secret laboratory journal.

Oyster and Mushroom Soup 9k, Sherlock’s latest attempt at seduction, Part 2 of the Secret Lab Journal series

Sherlock's second try to win over John involves a lot of special cooking recipes.

———————

Wretched and Divine – series punklock and doctor John

Wretched and Divine 5.1k, Part One

Dr. John Watson is on call at the A&E when he attempts to treat a very special patient. Instead he finds himself a very special treat.

The Aftermath is Secondary 19.5k, Part Two

Will John and Sherlock really go on the agreed date in the infamous punkrock club “The Misfit”? Will their sexual tension finally be resolved? Is it really going to be dangerous? And will Sherlock really wear the promised fishnet top? (Oh God, yessss!)

———————

Winning a lost bet 8.2k, pole-dancing at the XMas party

A lost bet makes Sherlock and John perform a pole-dance in costumes at the Yard´s Christmas party. It was supposed to be humiliating but instead the couple nailed it.

———————

Until the final breath escapes 1.9k, spooky Halloween fic

In a world turned hostile they hold onto their love until the final breath escapes.

———————

First-Hand Experience 0.9k, for Sherlock Challenge “Move”

Sherlock stood awkwardly in front of John, looking down at it and suddenly asking himself if this had actually been such a good idea.

———————

221Plants 0.8k, for Sherlock Challenge “Plant”

Why is there a jungle on the coffee table in 221b?

———————

Flag 0.8k, for Sherlock Challenge “Flag”

Sitting by the well after John´s rescue, Sherlock remembers his friend Victor.

———————

Nail  0.2k, for Sherlock Challenge “Nail”

Sherlock´s thoughts before he falls

———————

Mark 0.1k  drabble for wednesday 100 writing challenge

Sherlock is the hundredth day away from John

[rowanaelinn]

Fire on Fire - Chapter five.

chapter four // chapter six

As the days merged into weeks, a routine settled in.

Aelin alternated between college, her work as TA, homework, cheer practice, her work at the bar and she didn’t have a moment to herself. She liked it that way. She knew how to manage many things at once, has been doing it for years, but she didn’t know how to handle boredom. These moments where you did nothing and you started thinking about everything in your life? Aelin didn’t know how to handle that.

For the first time in a month, Aelin had a night to herself. And instead of spending it to sleep as her body begged her to, she and Lysandra organized a party. Nothing too much, just some of their friends, music, and alcohol.

She was in the kitchen, pouring herself a drink as she talked with Chaol and Dorian. They had brought their roommate but Aelin had no idea where he was, and to be honest she didn’t really care. “I’m not joking, she knocked at our door at two in the morning.”

Aelin laughed at the situation Dorian was describing. “Well, you got to give her points for her determination.” She poured a drink to Chaol and he smiled warmly at her.

“So, how’s life here?” Dorian asked and Aelin shrugged. They had spent a lot of time together lately, they just didn’t speak much.

“Nice.”

“Nice? That’s it?” Lysandra joined them, sitting on the kitchen counter. “What about that roommate of yours, Rowan?”

“Please,” Lysandra huffed. “They’ve been giving each other the silent treatment for a month now. It’s even worse than when they yelled at each other.”

“That bad?” Dorian laughed and Aelin rolled her eyes.

“I remember a year ago, we were partying and suddenly everyone heard you scream. I turned around to see where you were and you threw your drink at his face.” Chaol laughed and she did too, remembering that night.

“You complained when we always argued and now you complain because we ignore each other. You’re so annoying.”

“It’d be okay if you were just ignoring each other. But if looks could kill, you would have killed each other long ago. I hope you realize that everyone notices.”

“What are you even doing here? Stop sleeping with my cousin.” Aelin said and Lysandra barked a laugh. She winked and wiggled her brows and Aelin had to stop thinking about them. Lysandra always had a crush on Aedion, Aelin knew that. But she wasn’t used to seeing Lysandra hanging out in this house, not to be with her but because she was with Aedion. Well, technically they weren’t together. They slept together and both of them were stupid enough not to realize the other’s feelings.

Fenrys came behind Aelin and put an arm around her shoulder. She tried to get out of his grip but he was too strong. “You four, stop isolating yourself and come play with us.”

“Depends, I’m too drunk for Twister.” It was an understatement, she barely could keep her legs from falling. She was too drunk for everything, but she liked it. With the right number of drinks, her brain stopped processing things, that’s exactly what she needed.

“Being drunk is what makes Twister worthy, Ace. But no, what about seven minutes in heaven?” He wiggled his brows and Aelin was ecstatic.

“I love seven-minute in heaven!” She almost screamed and Fenrys laughed at her enthusiasm.

“I would know,” Dorian said and she stuck her tongue at her friend, it just made them laugh harder.

“That was an awful first kiss.”

“You’re joking? We found you making out again an hour after the game.” Lysandra laughed. It had happened when they were fifteen and Aelin didn’t have a lot of memories of that night. Actually, she didn’t have a lot of memories from her teenage years.

“That’s a story I want to hear,” Fenrys said, always curious about everyone’s life.

“That’s nothing, wait until I tell you about that time she played with Rhys-”

“Stop!” Aelin screamed, throwing a spoon at her friend for him to shut up. She didn’t know what he wanted to say and that’s what worried her. She decided her brain made her forget for a reason other than alcohol, as stupid as it was.

“Rhys like Rhysand Night?” Fenrys asked, surprised.

“Yeah, Dorian and I have been friends with him and his brothers for ages now.”

Their parents all knew each other and the five of them kept meeting at parties. And while Dorian and Aelin tried to avoid the spotlight as much as they could since they turned eighteen, the three brothers left for Velaris and became either musicians or actors. Gods, she hadn’t seen them in ages now. She missed these idiots.

“You’re coming to play?” Fenrys asked and they all joined him in the living room. There weren't enough seats so Aelin just sat on Dorian’s lap. Aedion sent them a furious look but didn't comment, Aelin just rolled her eyes. Lysandra made the bottle turn and of course, it fell on Aedion. Aelin decided not to read too much on the look in her cousin’s eyes and just took another shot, ignoring them.

“Ten bucks we find them half-naked,” Lorcan said and Aelin laughed, remembering another time when she had a similar bet about her cousin. She turned her head but Lysandra wasn’t there, neither was the others. Her heart clenched at this feeling of loneliness even if she was in a room full of people.

Instead of thinking too much into it, she took another shot. When she looked in front of her, Rowan Whitethorn was watching her, a disapproving frown on his face.

------

Rowan wondered why he was still looking at her when she drowned a third shot. This time her eyes didn’t leave his as she drank and she winked, leaning more into Dorian Havillard’s embrace.

He didn’t know why he had to clench his fist to avoid shaking, why seeing her now made him so angry. He had been angry all the time since that conversation a month ago, and not at her. He was sure he would wake up the morning after by Lysandra stabbing him, but none of that.

Aelin didn’t tell anyone what happened in the bathroom, and it made him so angry at her.

It made him angry that she didn’t cry to her friend and cousin the day after, asking them to defend her, like Rowan thought she would. No, the morning after she looked nothing like the woman he found in the bathroom, she didn’t look half-dead as she did the night before. No signs of the breakdown.

It made a small part of his head wonder how many times she had been in this state and nobody ever noticed. But he liked to ignore this part of him and focus on the anger.

He was glad of it as he watched Dorian’s arm curl around her waist and her arm around his shoulders. They both laughed as he held his drink to her lips, making her drink everything. Rowan finished his first drink, clearly not as drunk as the two in front of him were.

He had no idea what they were for each other, they acted like friends. Close friends, yes, but still friends. But Rowan had heard too much these past four weeks. Heard how there wasn’t any actual work every time he came here to study.

He hated her for it, hated her for being selfish and not caring about the noise. He also hated himself for noticing Dorian came here to study every time Rowan could see Aelin’s eyes lined with silver, see how her smile was a little too forced, or how her hands shook. Things that didn’t seem to be noticed by anyone else.

He hated himself for noticing, even though he tried not to, that there was no pleasure on her part. But he was probably reading too much into it, why would she keep doing it, then?

When he finally looked away from her, he found Lorcan looking at him, a weird look in his eyes. Rowan arched a brow in a silent question but his friend just looked away and joined a conversation with Fenrys.

When Aedion and Lysandra got out of the closet after Vaughan knocked on the door, Rowan fought a grin on his face at the look on Aedion’s face. He silently waved his pants so that he noticed that his zipper was open. The smile on Aedion's face did not falter as he fixed it, Rowan rolled his eyes.

“Your turn, Ace,” Lysandra said as she sat down next to her friend. Rowan found his new drink more interesting than the blonde girl turning a bottle.

“Fuck,” Dorian said.

“You’re kidding me,” it was Lorcan’s turn to speak.

Rowan looked up when Fenrys burst out laughing and his heart stopped. That fucking bottle pointed toward him. What had he done to the Gods for them to hate him so much? “do it again” He groaned. Why did he even agree to play this stupid game? He thought the worst that could happen would be being stuck with Fenrys, totally forgetting about her.

“Scared to spend time with me, Whitethorn?” Aelin arched a brow, a small smirk on her face. Rowan suddenly hated that part of him that was too proud to back down from a challenge.

“Get in that damn closet already,” He said, standing up and walking toward it, not caring if she followed or not.

When she closed the door after her, Rowan started counting in his head. Surely, seven minutes wasn't that long.

The closer was way too small for Rowan’s taste, he could feel her body brushing his in many places. “I didn’t know being so close to me disgusted you, Whitethorn.” She said after thirty-six seconds.

“So you speak, now?”

“What? You missed me?” She asked, voice full of fake sweetness. The dim light let him see her eyes fixed on him, he fought a shudder at the intensity of her gaze.

He huffed a laugh. “You wish, princess. This past month has been better than the last two years.”

“I know, living right next to me is such a delight.”

He clenched his jaw, fighting the urge of groaning at her for the way she twisted his words. She laughed softly, her breath tickling the skin of his throat. “You really are full of yourself, aren’t you?” It was better to attack her with his words than to focus on his body’s reaction to her proximity.

She made a low noise as if she was thinking very hard about her answer. “I am not, just realistic. Have you seen me? I’m amazing.”

“I don’t even think you believe that yourself,” he stated and it was true. You just had to try to see more than the facade she kept in front of everyone to see it. Rowan was surprised no one had made comments on it. He wondered if everyone noticed and decided to not say anything, as Rowan did, or if they really were that blind.

“You know nothing about me.”

“You are not hard to figure out, princess.” Lie, Rowan was a liar. It was so damn hard to find a reason for everything she did, to explain why she hid everything about her real emotions.

“Is that why you hate me so much? Because I am so easy to read?”

“You’re not important enough for me to hate you,” He said, voice low as he looked at her eyes. They were objectively beautiful, everyone would agree on that. The ring of gold around her pupil always seemed to catch fire whenever she was angry, it was his favorite part about her eyes.

What the hell happened to him? He didn’t have any favorite part of her.

She laughed softly, shifting to be more comfortable but it just brought her closer to him. He couldn’t keep his groan to himself this time, apparently for Aelin’s delight.

“You know what I think?” She asked, raising herself on her tiptoes. “You can’t stop thinking about me.” She was almost as tall as him this way, she put her hands on his shoulders to stay stable, and even if he should have brushed her hands away, he didn’t. “I think you want me, and it’s not me you hate, but yourself for wanting me.” Her thumb brushed his neck and held in the noise that threatened to come out at that touch. “I think that maybe it even makes you feel a little bit dirty to want me, and you both love and hate it.”

He pushed her to the wall, putting both of his hands on the wall on both sides of her head, blocking her from any movement. He lowered himself slightly, his lips close to her ear. Somewhere in the back of his mind, something whispered that she was right, but he ignored it. Focusing on his anger, that’s how he had always kept people at bay these past ten years. “Tell me Aelin,” he started using one of his hands to tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear, brushing with the tip of his fingers the sensitive spot of her skin right behind it. “Why would I want a coward?” Her whole body tensed at this and he was happy with himself.

“Shut up.”

He laughed softly, still murmuring in her ear. “Don’t like that word? Because that’s what you are, Aelin. A coward. You always run away the second it becomes hard.” He had seen Aedion take his car and go pick her up from wherever she called for help too many times. He remembered Aedion having to drive out of the damn city because she had left, and it didn’t happen only once either.

Before he could say what was in his mind she pushed him off her, with more strength than he knew she had. “Fuck you.”

“You’re just proving me right.”

“I have nothing to prove to a bastard like you.” She spat and left, slamming the door behind her. Rowan took a minute to sigh, thinking about what he said. That was true, she always ran away, but he wasn’t better. And he noticed how she struggled, he might as well have kicked a man already down.

------------

Aelin smiled at Dorian as she came back, hiding the fire inside of her. Everyone arched a brow, she knew it had been less than seven minutes but she would have killed him if she had stayed one more minute with that bastard.

“Will we find his dead body in the closet?” Lorcan asked, and surprisingly enough that sounded like… a joke. She might have answered in the same tone as him, might have joked with him, had Rowan not ruined her mood for the night.

“Want to be next?” She arched a brow and didn’t wait for an answer, taking Dorian’s hand and making him stand up. She didn’t comment to anyone as she dragged him up the stairs and pushed his back on the wall, not wanting to kiss him.

She needed to feel something other than that consuming rage, and needed the distraction. Dorian didn’t wait before kissing her back hungrily. His hands found her ass and pressed her closer to him. He didn’t need to bother with soft, loving, touch. It wasn’t a part of their agreement, it was just sex. Nothing else.

They had slept together twice in their teenage years even if she didn’t remember it, too high and drunk to remember anything, but they had started again three months ago. He had gotten mad at her for sleeping with however she could, telling her it was unsafe. But even if she never told him why she did it, Aelin was sure he understood. So he had told her to sleep with him instead.

It was his own way to help her, knowing he couldn’t do much else. If Aelin thought about it long enough she would cry of shame and fondness for her friend, but she didn’t think about it. It was the whole point of it, not thinking.

“Shit, sorry,” a voice interrupted them and Aelin looked surprised at Dorian and Chaol’s roommate. “I was looking for the bathroom but I couldn’t find it.”

“Downstairs,” Aelin said, breathless. “There’s only my room and my roommate’s room here.” She said but the mention of him just relieved the flame in her. The flame that begged to burn everything she tried to keep safe inside her. He nodded and smiled, walking past them.

“I’m not going home tonight, Chaol will drive you back. Is it okay with you, Cairn?” Dorian asked and when Cairn nodded and left, Dorian kissed her again.

As he took off her clothes, she focused on the feeling of him, Dorian, her friend, on her.

When his fingers found her core and started getting her ready for him, she fought against the voices in her head. You are a coward.

And as Dorian took a condom and entered her, she closed her eyes. He thrust into her hard, the way she liked it. He kissed her neck, breast, and lips. Trust me, Aelin, you will like it. She bit the inside of her cheek, not wanting to hear him. She moaned Dorian’s name as he gave her a particularly hard thrust. Let me show you what a real man can do. She shut everything out, moaning too loudly to hear anything else.

As she and Dorian climaxed, they were both breathless. He disposed of the condom and fell on the bed next to her, not hugging her but staying close to her. After a while, Dorian’s breathing calmed and she knew he fell asleep.

Aelin stood up and took a long, hot, shower. Washing away the touch of anyone on her skin. And as she often did, she wondered how long she would keep living that way. She had given up the hope of recovery a long time ago. but she still hoped that one day the pain would ease.

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