#[ as /I/ like to be interacted with consistently ; at least via likes and / or comments if we aren't writing or chatting ]

[traveler-at-heart]

What we were - Chapter 3

Chapter 1, Chapter 2 

Pairings: Natasha Romanoff x Fem!R

CW: Character death, cheating.

Not sure if ya’ll gonna like where this is going but... this is my design.

Over the course of three weeks, you received yellow tulips, chocolate and danish scones from your favorite bakery.

Each item always included a hand-written note from Natasha wishing you a good day or with a poem you loved. You gave your thanks via text, but that was about it from your side.

Natasha also made it a point to drive and pick up Anya at least three times a week. On Fridays, they had dinner together and brought extra for you and Bucky.

A peace offering that he didn’t give a damn about. Still, it was fun for you to watch them interact with phony smiles, wondering who would break first.

As August ended, Anya’s school sent out their usual PTA meeting invite. You RSVPd, not really expecting Natasha to be there.

“Let me drive you” Bucky says as you look at yourself in the mirror. For the first time in months, you’re about to leave the house to interact with grown ups that won’t look at you with pity or sadness.

“And leave Anya alone? I don’t think so”

“It looks like it will rain, and you absolutely can’t drive at night with rain” 

“Are you calling me old? You, the centennial man?” you pinch him, reaching for the wrong arm. “Ouch” 

“Clearly, this interaction has shown that I’m more mature than both of you,” Anya proclaims, doing her homework in the living room. “It’s a short drive and you know uncle Bucky is right, Mom” 

“Ugh, fine. But call us if you need anything, please?” you kiss her forehead and in spite of yourself, wear your reading glasses. 

“Yeah, yeah” 

“Be back in a second, kid” Bucky says, ruffling her red hair.

“With Chinese”

“Fine” 

“She’s so bossy” you comment, buckling up. He chuckles.

“Wonder where she got that from” 

“Hey!” you slap his arm, thankful that it wasn’t the metal one this time. “I know you’re just driving me because you want to see Miss Day”

“Anya’s teacher? Nah” his blush gives it away.

“Busted” 

You have to hold back a laugh when, out of all people, Miss Day is the one greeting everyone at the door.

“Sergeant Barnes” she greets a little too eagerly. “Will you be joining Mrs. Romanoff tonight?”

“Just dropping her off” he stumbles with his words.

“He’s such a gentleman, don’t you think?” you say, nudging him. “Any girl would be lucky to have him” 

“Well, Anya speaks wonders of you. And you’re welcome to stay, we will just be a little crowded in the classroom, considering the other Mrs. Romanoff is already here” 

“Oh. Right” 

“That’s my cue. Call me later” he mumbles, annoyed at the idea of Natasha arriving earlier than you two.

“Of course!” Miss Day is quick to answer, but blushes a second later. “Oh, right, you meant… her. Ha-ha, silly me” 

You’ll never, ever, let him forget this.

As you walk into the classroom, still smiling, your eyes meet Natasha’s. She waves at you awkwardly.

“Saved you a seat” she points at the chair next to hers and you nod.

“Thank you” 

Miss Day goes over the upcoming fairs, projects and field trips. The curriculum goes next and by the time she finishes with the Q&A session, it’s been an hour.

The last part consists of parents meeting privately with Miss Day to review grades and conduct. It’s in alphabetical order so you’re one of the last.

“I forgot how long these things are” you sit next to Natasha in one of the hallway benches. You lean back, sighing. 

“Want some chocolate?”

“Mmm, yes. I’m starving” you take the snack and practically moan at the first bite. “Sorry” you mumble when Natasha blushes. 

“I like it when you wear glasses,” she says, looking at her feet.

It’s your turn to blush.

“Thank you” 

“Mrs. and Mrs. Romanoff?” Miss Day calls for you.

“Us? So soon?” you look at Natasha and she shrugs her shoulders.

“Oh, yeah, we’re not doing the alphabetical thing anymore. We go over top performers first. Please sit. Anya is doing great. As you know, she’s already fluent in four languages…”

“Five” Natasha corrects and you go over the list in your head. Oh yeah, German.

“Right, five. Sorry” Miss Day looks flustered, and you remember that most of Anya’s teachers have always been particularly afraid of your wife.

“I forgot as well. It’s hard to keep up with Anya sometimes” you intervene, kicking Nat’s leg softly.

Be nice.

The Russian smiles, trying to look friendly.

“She’s leaning towards Humanities a little bit more than last year. As you remember, she won first place at the Interstate Science Fair. And her grades are still great in all subjects, but she has been reading a lot more. And taken some interest in learning to play the piano” 

“My dad made me take lessons when I was her age. I may have mentioned it once or twice. Though none of us really know how to play any instruments, right, darling?” you say, distractedly.

“R-right” Natasha’s eyes widen at the pet name. “Yelena, her aunt, she plays the guitar”

“Oh, yeah” you nod, still unaware of your slip up. “Well, I’ll ask her if she wants to take some private lessons. I’m too rusty to teach her anything”

“Other than that, she’s doing great. She’s a great kid, sweet and very kind to her peers… as for faculty members…” 

“What?” you're shocked to think that anyone would complain about your daughter.

“Well, kids like Anya…”

“Like what?” Natasha practically barks at the teacher and she jumps in her seat.

“I mean super smart. They tend to have an issue with authority and question everything. There’s also that thing where she’s very good at sneaking around”

“We’ll talk to her” you promise, but you’re uncertain about how the conversation will go.

After all, you married her other mother while you two were running away from the American government. And the Avengers were famous for breaking rules regularly.

The team had a whole Wikipedia page on broken laws, including sections by country and international organizations.

“In that case, class dismissed” the woman seems relieved when you say goodbye.

You walk next to Natasha, caught up in your thoughts. She keeps you from walking into the rain by pulling you next to her.

“Huh?” you look back, your face inches away from hers.

“It’s raining” she explains.

“Oh” 

“Do you want my jacket? Where did you park?”

“Buck drove me here. I’ll get a cab” 

“Let me” she offers, her green eyes pleading.

“Could we… get something to eat first? I’m very hungry and not in the mood for chinese”

“Yes, anything you want” 

There’s an awkward moment as she walks you to the passenger door and you both reach for the handle.

“Sorry, yeah…” you let her pull and then you slip inside, trying to control your breathing.

“What are you in the mood for?” she says, driving out of the school’s parking lot.

“Grilled cheese” you say and she chuckles. 

“From Al’s?”

“Where else, Nat?”

“Coming right up”

--

“You really were hungry” Natasha smiles as you steal another one of her fries.

“Maria had me on back to back meetings. And then I went to swim for a whole hour. So this is just me rewarding myself for being such a responsible adult” 

“How’s the leg?”

“The same”

“My offer still stands,” she reminds you. Her phone rings and you’re saved the trouble of refusing said offer for the second time. “Will you excuse me?” 

“Yeah, sure. I’ll finish your fries for you” 

Natasha rolls her eyes, but pushes the plate towards you.

The evening has been surprisingly pleasant. But a minute later, she hurriedly hangs up and walks back to you.

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah” she lies.

In the past, maybe because you loved her, you let those small lies fly. But not pushing enough was part of what brought you here.

“Tasha? I’d like to know”

You lock eyes and you hold your breath as Natasha studies your expression.

“Ok” she nods. You give her a moment to gather her thoughts. “I’ve been researching… that mission. Trying to find whoever is responsible for Clint’s…”

She bites her lip, looking down. On instinct, you reach out across the table to squeeze her hand. Natasha holds on tight, running her thumb across your skin.

“I think I’ve found them. Kate was tracking her mother after she escaped prison. Seems like Eleanor Bishop is now working with international terrorists” 

“They weren’t prepared for that, then? Kate and Clint thought it would be something…”

“Easier”

You nod.

“So, what’s wrong?”

“It’s not gonna be easy to get to them. It’s a matter of international security and every government wants in on the mission. I was hoping I could call a few favors…”

“So, you’re not gonna go rogue and beat them on your own?” you arch an eyebrow, impressed with her self control.

Honestly, you expected Natasha to fly and kill them as soon as she got the intel.

“I wouldn’t be a very good mother if I was stuck at the Raft. Or running away like we used to”

“I’ll travel to D.C.” you offer and her eyes widen. “I can pull some strings. As much as I hate it, my father’s name still holds some weight there” 

“Would you do that? I know how much you hate going back there”

All the politics and the lies, the power these people craved and hoarded… yes, it made you sick. But if you could help Natasha, you’d take it.

“It will be fine”

“This means the world to me, Y/N” 

“I know, Nat. Which is why you’ll get me ice cream for dessert” 

“Deal” she lets go of your hand to call the waitress and you smile.

You also wish she hadn't let go.

--

Packing for one was easier than you remembered. It was only a two day trip, anyway. 

Natasha insisted on driving you to the airport and Anya wanted to tag along. It was as good a time as any to remind them of the rules of the house.

“Pop quiz, everyone” you announce.

Anya and Natasha groan at the same time.

“Do we really have to?” your daughter complains.

“How many times a day do you have to water my plants, Natasha?”

“Uh… five?”

“Once! Just once, tomorrow” Anya laughs at her mother and you turn to point at her. “Ok, plants are your responsibility now, missy”

“Aw, Ma!” 

“No Nerf guns inside the house” you keep listing the rules with your fingers.

“Hey, that’s no fun!” Natasha complains and you ignore her.

“No horror movies, if you order pizza it should have at least two different vegetables and last but not least, I do not want to come back home and see that you acquired any sort of animal as a pet” 

“So if a puppy shows up at our door and it’s raining, we’re supposed to leave them outside?” Anya peaks from the backseat.

“No, you drive them to uncle Buck’s and force him to take care of them” 

“Alright, we get it. We’ll behave, right, kiddo?” Natasha promises, winking at Anya.

Saying goodbye it’s harder than you imagined. Anya doesn’t know why you’re going to D.C., but she understands you wouldn’t leave if it wasn’t important.

“Y/N, it’s a two day trip” Natasha complains, carrying your heavy suitcase. “Bucky had no issue getting it down the stairs”

“That’s low, even for you, Ma” Anya says, but still laughs.

“I know, I’m sorry” you take the suitcase from Nat.

“You are not,” she chuckles.

“Tiny, tiny bit” you put your thumb and pointer finger close together. Anya hugs your side and you turn to her. “Take care of Mom, please. I’ll be back the day after tomorrow”

“We’ll be ok, I promise” 

“I love you” you say against her hair. She hugs you tight.

“We love you too” Anya says and you smile. 

“Have a nice trip” Natasha approaches nervously, her hands on the pockets of her jeans.

“Thank you”

Before you have time to process what’s happening, she leans forward and places a kiss on your forehead.

It’s all you can think about on the flight to D.C.

--

Secretary of State Leah Renfield sends a driver to pick you up from the airport. She accepted your request to meet immediately, which can only mean one thing: whatever you’re gonna ask of her, she already knows how you’ll pay it back.

“Agent Romanoff” she greets you, walking away from her huge mahogany desk. She’s tall and her blonde hair has some white on the front. 

“Madame Secretary, it’s good to see you again” you take the hand she offers and follow her to a small futon next to a giant window. 

“I must say, I love that you took your wife’s last name. Natasha Romanoff is a KGB double agent and you’d rather be associated with her than with Thaddeuss Ross” 

“Well, it’s hard to be on good terms with a parent that turns you into an outlaw” 

“In the end, the Avengers did more for the world than he did” she concedes. It’s no secret that she never liked your father, but you share the sentiment wholeheartedly. “So, I am very happy to welcome you whenever you want. I know that you’re still working in intelligence and SHIELD ops”

“Right” you sit straight and look her in the eye. “The thing is… as you know, Agent Barton was killed seven months ago”

“A tragedy” 

“We’ve gathered evidence and it all points to an international terrorist organization called Helios. They’ve been collaborating with some lower rank Hydra officials. It’s all here” you hand over the information that Natasha has collected, about members, attacks and possible targets.

“This is an issue of international security, then” she declares, after browsing through the files. “But what’s the point of bringing it to me?”

“We want to be the ones on a mission to tear it down and arrest those responsible for killing Agent Barton” 

“We, as in, the Avengers”

“Yes”

Renfield sighs, and stands up to walk around the room. She pauses near the alcohol cabinet. It’s too early for a glass of bourbon.

“The world isn’t what it used to be when you were a team, Agent. Frankly, I don’t know how you all got away with so much contempt for the law”

“Well, we saved the universe once or twice. Remember Thanos?”

The woman sighs and nods. Yes, she does. Her daughter and husband were blipped, after all. She has her family back because of you.

“I’m here because we want to do things right. Without causing you too much trouble, as I understand you might run for president next year…”

Renfield laughs and looks at you.

“I always thought you’d do great in politics” 

“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment, Madam Secretary” 

“Me neither”

There’s a knock at the door; her Chief of Staff reminds her she has to run to another meeting.

“Walk with me” she asks, taking the file and handing it over to her assistant. “When are you going back to New York?”

“Friday morning” 

“I’ll try to have an answer by then”

“Thank you” 

“Let’s meet before you go back. And give my best to your wife”

“Will do”

--

“I don’t want her greetings, I want her to okay the mission. In fact, I want her to authorize a nuclear warhead straight to these terrorists’ asses” Natasha rants.

You finally made it to the hotel and have a few hours before you meet with a friend from Law School.

“Jeez, Nat. Let’s just wait for her answer”

Natasha insisted on a video call the minute you checked in.

“Fine. You’re good at reading people. What do you think she’ll say?”

“My guess?” you sigh. “They’ve known about Helios for a while. Their operation is very similar to Hydra. We were the only ones who could deal with Hydra. And now, we’re offering to do the work for the CIA, MI6 and Interpol”

“So they’ll say yes”

“But since we came asking for the favor first… I don’t know. Maybe Renfield will want some type of endorsement for her campaign. I can do that”

“I didn’t mean to put you in this position. I’m sorry”

“I offered. And it will be worth it if we can put Clint’s killers behind bars” 

“Yeah…”

“Natasha, you can’t kill them”

“It could be an accident, detka”

“Stop, I’d like to know as little as possible in case this goes to trial” 

“Fair enough” she chuckles. “By the way, can I use your computer? I need to check my email and my phone is being stupid”

“Sure, the password is our anniversary” 

“Oh, ok” 

“Right… It’s almost time for you to pick up Anya. And I want to take a bath and sleep a little. Tell her I love her and that I’ll call her later, please?”

“Yeah, for sure”

“Thanks, Tasha” 

Walking away from your phone, you begin to get rid of your shirt and the black skirt falls to the ground. The bathtub is almost full so you go back to the bedroom in nothing but your underwear.

“Shit” 

Natasha is still on the call, mouth wide open. 

“I’m sorry, I thought you hung up”

“I thought you did” you mutter from the floor, hiding from the camera. “Byeee”

Damn it. 

--

Natasha can almost remember what life was like before she lost her best friend.

The domesticity of picking up Anya, making sure she does her homework while dinner is ready. You’re the only piece of the puzzle that’s missing.

She desperately wants to make it all better. Fix all the mistakes she made, take back the hurtful words she threw at you when she was so angry at the world.

“Dinner’s gonna be ready in five” the redhead tells her daughter.

“Can we eat in the living room while watching Project Runway?”

“Yes, but don’t tell your mother” 

“Mmkay” 

Just then, she remembers the email that Maria sent and she was supposed to review. She goes to your study. Nothing’s really changed in the room. Every wall is covered with books and your desk is full of pictures of your family.

Even the ones from your wedding.

Natasha runs her hand through one of the pictures. She’s looking at the camera and you’re looking at her, with complete love and adoration.

How could she be so blind to throw it all away?

As she logs in, there’s a notification from your calendar.

Dinner with Cynthia Florrick - Finestra

She tries really hard to not think about it, but that name rings a bell.

Oh, right. The divorce lawyer that Pepper threatened to hire if Tony didn’t retire.

You’re meeting with a divorce lawyer in D.C.

Natasha lost you.

--

“Hi, I have a reservation under Florrick” you greet the hostess. It’s an expensive Italian restaurant full of big suits and elegant women. 

Another thing you don’t miss about D.C.; their fixation on fancy clothes.

“Oh my God, it’s been ages!” your friend shouts. Her loud voice and manners are a little out of place among the clientele.

“Hi, Cyn” you hug her and take a seat. “Well, you won’t visit me in New York so I had to come to you”

“Oh, that’s soon about to change” she smirks. You don’t have a chance to ask why, as an older man walks behind you and she waves. “Cliff, so good to see you”

He gives her the side eye and walks away.

“He doesn’t look happy to see you”

“Oh, he’s just mad because I got his wife the lake house in the settlement. And anyway, as I was saying, I’m opening an office in New York and another one in San Diego”

“Congrats!”

“Yeah, baby. Call me the Tony Stark of family law”

“Well, I’ll be happy to introduce you to some people. You wouldn’t believe the divorce rate among spies” 

“Not you and Natasha, right?”

“Oh, no! We’re doing great” you lie.

“Well, good to hear” Cynthia raises her glass of wine. “Let’s chat, gossip about everyone from college and celebrate that we’re both great” 

--

It’s impossible to nap as you wait for the plane to land. 

On Thursday, Secretary Renfield invited you to a luncheon with some of the biggest names in national security.

The attendees were drawn to you. After all, the Avengers had been successful where most intelligence agencies failed. 

Before you left, she stood aside to brief you on her decision.

“The answer is yes. But with one condition. You lead the mission. Do you agree?”

“Yes”

“And you were right, I am aiming for the White House next year. If you feel inclined to show your support when that happens, I’ll be very grateful”

“Madam Secretary, you have my vote and my endorsement” 

You can’t wait to tell Natasha the news.

Maybe, just maybe, your lives can go back to normal.

Bucky and Anya are the ones waiting for you at the terminal.

“Is… everything ok?” 

“Yeah, I was just stealing this one for a baseball game” Bucky points at your daughter. “So you have a chance to catch up and get some rest”

“Well, it’s good to see you both” you smile, uncertain. Anya hugs you and she doesn’t seem too concerned, so you figure Bucky is telling the truth.

On the drive back home, you catch your daughter yawning a couple of times.

“You so went past your bedtime”

“Nuh-uh” she denies it.

“Yuh-uh”

“Real mature” Bucky mutters and you hit him.

“I leave for a day and everyone goes rogue” 

“Good thing you’re back, then”

When you finally get home, Bucky helps you with the suitcase while Anya waits in the car.

“Ok, as your friend, I’m warning you that Natasha asked me to take Anya so she could talk to you”

“James!” you say, punching him again. “Why didn’t you say something? Did she look happy? Worried? What were her exact words?”

“I don’t know, just go talk to her. The game is about to start. Good luck”

He sprints down the stairs and you are left to drag your heavy suitcase across the hallway.

“Nat? Natasha?”

You walk to your office, where she’s sitting, looking at your wedding pictures.

“Hi there”

“Hello” she greets, her voice low. She looks defeated.

Your heart pounds in your ears.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t need you to do me any favors out of pity or whatever it is you feel for me. I thought I had a chance, and all this time you were thinking about a divorce. I’m an idiot” she chuckles, but it comes out as a sob.

“Am I in an alternate universe where I mentioned the word divorce? Because I’ve never brought it up”

“You met with a lawyer” 

“Cynthia? You were spying on me?”

“The notification popped up on your computer when I was checking my emails”

“And instead of asking me, you go around making up scenarios. Just like you did last time, assuming I’d jump to bed with James. I get it, Natasha. You want to think the worst of me, that’s fucking fine. Let me know what other evil shit I’ll do next. Turn our daughter against you, maybe? Which would be really funny, considering I’ve made it a point to not tell her why you moved out of the house”

You look out the window, turning your back to her.

“You’re the only person that made me feel safe and happy and loved. All I ever wanted was to do the same for you. Even after everything, if you asked me to, I’d take you back in a heartbeat. I was so hurt because you kept pushing me away while you were sharing yourself with someone else. I thought you finally realized I couldn’t make you happy. And I love you and want to set you free, but I’m also too scared to let you go. So, sorry to disappoint you but if you want to move on, you’re gonna have to ask me for the divorce”

She’s silent as you pause to wipe your tears.

“So, are you gonna leave or what?” you bark out, impatient.

Natasha doesn’t move.

“Fine, I’ll go” you turn around, walking to the door. You’ll find a place to mourn, because this feels like the end, and you can’t take it. Natasha’s touch brings you back to earth. “What are you doing?”

“I-”

“Let me go” you plead, not turning around. She pulls you closer, spinning you until you face her.

“I’d be an idiot to let you go” 

A sob escapes and she silences it with her mouth, pressing her lips against yours in a searing kiss.

It’s everything you need, to feel complete again. Natasha’s touch is your sanctuary and you welcome its warmth. Her arms slide down your waist and you keep her close as she begins to undo the buttons of your pants. You break apart for a moment to take your shirt off, asking her to do the same with a tug.

“Let me take care of you” she pleads, going down and leaving a trail of kisses across your exposed skin. Your knees buckle when she reaches your underwear. “It’s ok, I got you”

Trusting, you allow her to lap at your folds, but the pressure is too much so you begin to lower yourself to the floor. Natasha makes sure that you’re comfortable and then resumes her ministrations, soft and deep.

It’s not possessive, but very intense. She’s soft and considerate, taking her time to build up the pleasure, until you’re on the brink of orgasm, holding her face close to your center until you ride every wave. 

“Was that ok?” she hovers over you and you taste yourself in her lips.

“Yes. But I need more”

“How much more?”

“A lot more”

--

Three hours later and you’re in bed, clothes scattered across the floor.

Well, Natasha’s clothes. Yours are still at your office.

“Was it good?” Natasha whispers and you make a face. “What?”

“You’ve never asked me that before. And now, this is the second time you do it”

“I just want to make sure you liked it” 

“I did. Very much liked it. In fact, like might be a bit of an understatement”

“Ok, good” she turns to her side and you do the same, your faces an inch away from each other. “So, what do we do now?”

“Well… we have a mission to complete. Then we can worry about the rest”

“Renfield said yes?” she asks, shocked. You nod.

“On the condition that I lead the mission. And I think we should tell the team, Nat. They deserve to know” 

Natasha sighs, sitting up.

“Maybe we should just let someone else handle this” 

“It’s not like us to let the bad guys get away with it” you kiss her shoulder, resting your chin against her arm. “What’s wrong?”

“I just got you back. What if something happens?”

“Everything will be alright. We do this together”

“Together” she promises, her forehead resting against yours.

Taglist: @wandabear, @thatonebrazilian, @canvascoloredin, @ctrlamira, @dvrkhcld, @username23345, @unexpected-character, @how-to-disappearrr, @casquinhaa, @cd-4848

[earthtooz]

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[itsclydebitches]

nah, bit the fact old!jaune of all characters watches bees kiss and is like "I've waited so long for this to happen" it's like, bro, please leave. get out of here.

Finally watched the episode!

That line makes absolutely no sense to me. Last interaction Jaune had that was bees related was him (understandably) assuming that Yang would be worried about Ruby being mad at her and he notably doesn't realize that she actually meant Blake. Then he goes into survival mode when Yang falls, having no time to reflect on Blake's reaction because he's off collecting the civilians, and then he spends literal years, likely decades, living in the Ever After, entirely removed from his friends' lives and, frankly, with bigger things to worry about than another team's romance. Jaune has to confirm that this is really Team RWBY, a moment which to me read as both hesitance that what he's waited so long for has really come to pass and ensuring that his mind isn't playing tricks on him. That's really what Team RWBY looks like, right? That's what they sounded like back when I was a teenager?

So you're telling me that Jaune, who to my recollection has NEVER shown that he knows what's up with Blake and Yang (that was his role with Ren and Nora) and who has now spent half a lifetime away from these girls to the point where he needs to reassure himself that he can even properly recognize them... was waiting "so long" for them to kiss?

Agreed: nah.

This is just another version of Weiss' earlier comment. As much as I liked it at the time for being the closest thing to confirmation in a then unconfirmed tale, Weiss likewise hasn't expressed any impatience, knowing looks, or other background hints to tell the audience, "I know they like each other and am waiting for them to overcome their fear and just SAY IT already." RWBY consistently tries to retcon things via dialogue. What do you mean Blake/Yang wasn't an established slow-burn the whole cast was aware of? Here are Weiss and Jaune saying just that!

Don't get me wrong, I'm ECSTATIC that they're finally canon, both because fuck yeah queer rep and, frankly, because I'd long grown sick of having my guard up in regards to this ship. But reaching this point doesn't erase the tumultuous journey getting there. Already I'm seeing a lot of folks going, "Of course RWDE is unhappy. They're homophobic 🙄" but the reality is that none of our criticisms have changed. We've said for years that RWBY needs to confirm the bees, but that confirming them won't suddenly free the writing of its long-term problems. Waiting this long was one of the biggest problems, so of course it's a bittersweet moment. You finally did the thing fans wanted you to do years ago and you did it with a number of pitfalls, not the least of which was scaring a good chunk of your fanbase into thinking we might end this series by being told we'd just been 'reading into things.' That's... a lot to unpack. I feel like I ordered takeout and it arrived five hours late. It's now stone cold, the food was only meh to begin with, and waiting in annoyance all night has now put me off my appetite. The response to that isn't usually a, "Why are you whining when you got your food??" Like yeah... I got my food... but damn, can you really not see how the experience of getting it impacts my feelings towards the food itself?

[peppermintbubble]

I watched Sonic Prime episode 9 yesterday on Youtube and it was so COOL! I've liked all of Sonic Prime so far but this episode, this damn episode, man. A must watch for any Shadow fan! I've already watched it... Several times.

I can't put my finger on the why or how, but both Sonic and Shadow look extremely adorable in this show. Maybe it's just the high-quality animation giving them more life than the games most of the time or maybe there's something about how the proportions on these versions are but they're just so cute! I like the slight fur/spine texture on them as well. I'm so, so happy with Shadow's characterization in Sonic Prime. He feels so spot-on. Not to mention that Ian Hanlin is actually my new favorite Shadow VA! He's like a good version of Jason Griffith. He isn't a bad actor by any means, but I always felt like him doubling as both Sonic and Shadow was a choice that limited his acting in both roles. (Let's not even talk about Jet.) His Shadow voice always sounded a bit forced and unnatural to me if that makes sense, like he had to try too hard to put on a voice. Presenting Shadow as serious, analytical and goal-oriented guy but with the caveat he may deduce things wrong, overestimate himself or underestimate others feels just right. Him being annoyed by Sonic but ultimately having a level of respect for him feels just right. Sometimes Shadow has been shown off as overly cocky or overly stubborn in a way that annoys me but here it just feels right! Like he is a very adamant and even stubborn and headstrong character with more confidence in himself than anyone else, but they don't overdo it in a stupid way. Like he feels cool and strong but not like a flawless character. I also just like getting to see Sonic and Shadow interact with each other when no one else is there. It's interesting. Oh, and Shadow's off-handed comment to Sonic where he says "The only me" feels like it holds a lot of weight. Maybe it's just me fangirling but he's been "copied" so much in the games and his whole arc was about defining his own identity so I just appreciate that line a lot,mundane as it may be.

Shadow's facial expressions in the show are extremely reminicent of the pre-rendered cutscenes from Shadow the Hedgehog game... I don't know if the people working on Sonic Prime did look at those but either way they nailed it! It was also wonderful to see Shadow do Chaos Control teleporting in a way similar to that game as well! I'll deduct just one point for the removal of Shadow's fangs, but from what I can tell none of the characters have sharp teeth in Sonic Prime so eh, whatever. It's consistent to the overall style, it's fine. Oh and I also love how much they utilize Shadow's air shoes in this show. They're woefully underutilized in the games, even though we know from his very debut scene in SA2 that they can propel his whole body weight in the air. The IDW comic's been more creative with the shoes too, thankfully.

And don't get me started on the Sonic VS Shadow fight scene! It was so COOL! So well choreographed and animated with a lot of different fun moments! These two characters are kind of evenly matched in terms of how powerful they are and have similar skillsets, but this episode also wonderfully highlighted some of their differences. I love that! Sonic's speed is his main attribute always and even though Shadow is also a fast boy I've at least always perceived him as one of the more skilled characters in the Sonic cast when it comes to just combat. I think the people who designed this fight scene looked at it that way, too, since Shadow outwits Sonic via fighting skill. But either way, getting to see characters who are kind of evenly matched fight it out is immensely satisfying and you get to see really cool moments. My favorite parts of the fight scene are Shadow grabbing that glove tech piece from Sonic's hand with his teeth, and also that he pulls off an extremely classic Shadow pose at one point. You know his character render from Sonic 06 and some other games? That pose? Was it purposeful or am I crazy? Either way it was a nice touch.

I don't have any point to writing all this other than the fact I wanted to yell about my favorite character getting some awesome screen time in Sonic media again. After eating the decent scraps I got in Sonic Forces this show has been very, very good to me! XD I've been enjoying Shadow in the IDW Sonic comic too of course, but an animaed walking and talking character is always a different kind of treat. This Sonic Prime episode was just. Mwah. Chef kiss. So good.

[shokami]

‘ 𝖇𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖐 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖜𝖎𝖓𝖉𝖔𝖜𝖘 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖑𝖊𝖙’𝖘 𝖑𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙 𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖕𝖑𝖆𝖈𝖊 𝖔𝖓 𝖋𝖎𝖗𝖊. ’

… BEFORE you follow ਏਓ ｡ ﾟ

disclaimer ; my content as of right now is only published on tumblr. later on, it will also consist of ao3 for longer series. my content is to not be shared via social medias, or other platforms.

# 001. — i suffer from the use of dark humor, and rarely ever use tone indicators because i have the memory of a goldfish. nothing i say is ever serious and if it is, i’ll state that … my content is SFW, and NSFW. if you only want to see sfw content, you can find my tags and block the ones you want.

# 002. — i do not take requests, but i do take commissions that you can look into! i write for fem/afab, male/amab, and gender natural, etc. all my works are indicated as to which is which . . . i also have tarot card and astrology reading commissions!

# 003. — my ask box is always open! to mutuals, and anons for casual talk, thirsts, ranting about your favs etc — and i even have a side boot dedicated for character anons ; @safesato ♡

# 004. — last but not least, i follow and have dark content mutuals. as well as write my own dark content … this does not under any circumstances mean that i condone a lot of DC topics. however, creativity is what creativity is. you are to not ridicule me or others for it.

… do NOT interact if ਏਓ ｡ ﾟ

# 005. — you are under the age of eighteen, do not follow nor interact with me. this is for my safety and yours. however, if you are a minor and you want to reblog or interact on a sfw piece, you are obligated to do so … i will not follow anyone back who is an ageless blog, and you will be removed.

# 006. — if you do not condone the aging up of characters (locks eye contact with with the jjk and hq fandom) . . . then leave.

# 007. — genshin impact community … do NOT interact if you are anti sumeru, and anti tartaglia. if you believe the travelers are minors. if you sexualize the children/call them lolis. voicing any unnecessary hate towards the company, characters, lore, etc will not be tolerated on this blog … if you participate in the sharing of leaks, avoid bringing it onto my blog.

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# 009. — if you meet basic DNI criteria, don’t even consider following my blog. that includes but is not limited to : homophobic, biphobic, panphobic, xenophobic, transphobic, racist, ableist, anti-men / make derogatory comments. etc

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༶ • ┈┈┈┈┈୨ 🍵 ୧┈┈┈┈┈ • ༶

# 011. — i will NOT be ever writing for the follow categories ; sa, sh, excessive gore, vore, pregnant readers or pregnancy, age regression, ed’s, scat, sounding, angst without a decent ending, cheating (on main characters). + more.

… what you will see as my usual content is : fluff, angst, comfort, alternative universes, SMAU’s, crack, daddy kink, degradation, knife play, gun play, violence, blood, bodily fluids, mental and emotional manipulation, gaslighting, somnophilia, dubcon, drugs, nicotine, alcohol, praise, shibari, polyamory, corruption, dacryphila. + more.

PLEASE NOTE THAT all content will be tagged appropriately, and have the proper warnings before you head into it … pursue my blog with absolute fucking caution lmao.

— sincerely, the mental illnesses of SHOKAMI ♡

[systemtek]

A single 40 something lady - How I uncovered the fake men of Facebook

As a lady in her 40s I use Facebook on a regular basis to keep up to date with my friends and what's going on in the world. I have the average number of friends on Facebook of around 250, yet some of my girlfriends have maybe 1000 or more. The difference is that because I work in IT I am quite security conscious and my Facebook is locked down and I only accept friends that I actually know. This consists of people I have worked with or met over the years and old school, college and Uni friends. My single girlfriends often show me their Facebook and laugh and joke about how many random messages they get from men, and the pictures they get sent ! One of my friends was talking to a guy and it turned out he had a girlfriend already and was using a different account to message her and other girls via. This is not something new, and many women reading this will have come across this problem before. So just over 6 months ago I decided to start an experiment and setup a new Facebook account in a different name and location and like my friends, not lock it down so people can find me and add me, of cause as part of this I set my status as "Single" and I ensured I posted at least once a day with things that indicated I was single, such as going for a walk on my own with my dog and a few nice photo poses etc. Soon enough just like my girlfriends said the friend requests started to come in and probably 95% were male. My aim was to get at least 1000 friends and then stop accepting any more, and just after 4 months I hit that target, I did not go looking for them they all came to me. During this experiment I only ever received inbox messages from men and many started off with hello or hi and normal chats, which I went along with, but gave fake details to protect my identity and location, some messages were a bit more forward and saying how much they loved me and wanted to date or marry me, even though they didn't know me. And as expected I received the random d**k pictures that all us girls cringe about when we get them. My aim was not to trap or catch people but to see if people were who they said they were, and for this reason I am not naming any individuals I spoke to under my Facebook alias name. Because I work in IT and have worked in cyber forensics I know how to look for people online and I can spot a "double account" a mile away, these are the men who have a separate account just to chat up and date women. I analysed all the accounts that I interacted with and the facts are below - Men age 45 plus - These individuals tended to communicate via their own Facebook account, they were often single and had family and work colleagues on their friends list, only 20% of those I communicated with in this age range were found to be using a second account. Men age 30 to 45 - A massive 55% of the individuals I communicated with in this age range I was able to trace that they were using a second account to contact me and other women via. Some were very easy to spot as they have almost all female friends, and no male friends, the people who comment on their posts don't really appear to know them. Typically if your this age you have family, friends, school and work colleagues on your Facebook, many did not have a single one. Men age 20 to 30 - Given that I am 40ish this didn't stop this age range from contacting me. A massive 35% of the individuals I communicated with in this age range I was able to trace that they were using a second account to contact me and other women via. As before some were very easy to spot as they have almost all female friends, and no male friends, the people who comment on their posts don't really appear to know them. Typically if your this age you have family, friends, school and work colleagues on your Facebook, many did not. So of the ones I was able to trace that were using a second account you may ask who really are they ? I was able to trace and verify around 70% of the accounts some were very easy as they were using their real name and the same pictures as their other main profile. Some were using an abbreviation of their real name, so for example if their real name was John Smith they were calling themselves Jonathan Smithson or similar. Another subset used a totally different name and location to hide who they really were, this subset of individuals were the ones that were often more pushy in chats to meet up and sent explicit photos of themselves as they assumed they could not be traced back to their real identities, as you might guess almost all of these individuals were either married or in a relationship but claimed to be single. During this experiment I was never the one to ask to meet and I never shared any explicit photos of myself. During the 6 months period 34 individual men expressed an interest to meet me, of those 34 people 26 of the requests were made in private chats and 8 were made on posts on my page. I was able to positively 100% identify the identity of 28 of the 34 men. Yes there was 6 who I could not trace as been who they said they were or I was unable to obtain enough information to confirm any searches. So from the 28 I could identify how many do you think were actually single ?, well this was a bit harder to research. There was 11 who were obviously using their own accounts as they had the typical family, friends and work colleagues commenting on their posts and their status was set as single and they often posted things that indicated they were single. There was 3 who were using their own accounts and it was clear that they were in a relationship and wanted fun with me and were not afraid to hide that fact. So that takes us up to 14 what about the other 14 you may ask, well they were second accounts, and 8 of them were married and 3 were in a relationship, and the other 3 had a second account and based on their main account I could not be 100% sure if they were in a relationship or not - why have a second account if your single ? This a a shocking result when you think about it, these are the type of people who my girlfriends are talking to day in day out and they think are their friends even though they don't actually know who they are. During this 6 month period I did receive a total of 11 images that I would class as sexually explicit, and 2 videos again explicit. I showed the results to my friends and they were shocked, they were adamant that the people they had on their Facebook were not like my results, even though they didn't 100% know many of the people they called friends. It's really creepy when I see comments on my fake profile, and my girlfriends ones where these men who we don't know are publicly stating that they love us and how attractive they find us. Yes its nice to hear such comments, and at times it can bring a smile to your face if a man you bump into in a shop comments how nice you look and then walks off, you know he was probably genuine and you will never see him again. But on Facebook you have the same individuals day in and day out posting love harts and saying they love you on your page or in a message when they don't know you at all, even offers of marriage !, are you not supposed to ask someone out, date them etc before saying you love them! If I was to post "I'm not feeling very well today think i'll stay in bed" i would get some comments like "Hope your better soon" or "Yes good idea you feel better later" and to me that's fine, I don't mind that even from someone I don't know, but it gets creepy when you get things like "If I was there then you would be in bed all day !" or even worse that I cant repeat on here that would be set to my inbox, I'm sure you women can guess what many said. So as an ending note to this social experiment I have now closed my alias account down. Many of my girlfriends have now also locked their Facebook profile and only accept friend requests from people they actually know, and they have started to clear out the ones they don't know. And yes they asked me to "verify" some of the people they have been talking to, and would you believe it that many of them are second accounts ! now there is a surprise, not. I really wanted to balance this test and compare men to women, and this may happen in a future experiment. I discussed this with a few male friends who I know are single and have open Facebook accounts and accept friend requests from women. They don't seem to suffer from the same issues us women do, they do get women adding them as friends, but no where near as many as I got (yes they are good looking guys also) very few inbox messages and a low number of comments on posts. None of them had ever received random sexually explicit images and they didn't know any other guys who had either. It was interesting to hear that they did know of other men who had a second account on Facebook. Some of the women I have spoken to over the years have told me they have a second Facebook account and their reasons for having it ranged from they wanted to check up on other girlfriends who they didn't speak to, we all know them type ! or they wanted to check up on their partners by messaging them under a different name to see if they would cheat ! well I guess some women are like that. Let me know your thoughts ? Read the full article

[bluebumblecreative]

Boost social media presence: 5 tips to attract more customers

In today’s digital age, the whole world is connected via social media. And due to this particular fact, many businesses have grown exponentially in the last 3 years. For example, I am from the United States & I have never left the country. But still, I know there’s a particular saloon in London that I want to visit at least once. Why? Because I’ve seen it on social media, which appealed to me. Such is the power of having a strong social media presence.

While almost every business has a social media presence nowadays, there are a few things that you could do to get ahead of others.

Key Takeaways

● Identify your target audience

● Being constantly active

● Staying ahead of your competitors

● Jump with the ongoing social media trends

● Connecting with your audience

Identifying your target audience

The key to having a strong social media is identifying who is your prime target. For instance, if you sell women’s dresses, your target audience will obviously be female viewers. However, you need to dig deeper and analyze which age group is your prime customer and which age group could be your potential prime customer.

Also, only identifying your target audience is not enough. You also need to create and share content that is tailor-fit for them. For example, if your target audience belongs to the age group of 18–30. Then it would be wise to post content when they’re free. Like, college students & corporate workers in this age group are particularly the freest during lunch-time and after 8 PM. So it would be recommended to post your best content during these time slots.

Being constantly active

You need to understand that to attract customers; you need to not only strike in their minds but also stay in them. This could only be achieved if you consistently and actively share your content on various social media platforms. Moreover, while sharing content consistently is encouraged, also you need to maintain the quality of the content. What you need to realize is that you need to have to share quality content consistently. While most business owners cannot do this themselves, they generally get paid help from social media management services.

Staying ahead of your competitors

To be at the top, you must track your competitor’s moves and analyze their strategy regularly. Doing this reveals what your competitor is up to and helps you realize where you are lacking and which areas can improve. Utilizing a social media management service that regularly analyzes and tracks different social media strategies.

Jump with the ongoing social media trends

It is recommended to design content following the ongoing trend. In this way, your content promotes your brand and entertains them. This results in your content being reshared by others, increasing your social media reach.

Connecting with your audience

Other than sharing quality content, one other thing that you should do is regularly interact and connect with your audience. Interacting with your audience includes responding to their comments, replying to their messages, and fulfilling some possible requests for the betterment of your social media.

Original Content Published at Blue bumble Creative.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Floyd and Epel?

Leona Character Opinion Bingo here!

Rook Character Opinion Bingo here!

***Standard disclaimer: These are just my personal opinions of the character(s); regardless of what I may think of them, sharing my thoughts is NOT meant to offend or to shame anyone that thinks differently.***

I think I’m speaking for almost everyone when I say that Floyd has one of the most unique character designs I’ve ever seen before (I mean, the same applies to Jade, just flip Floyd’s face horizontally and change the eye shape). It’s very bold and eye-catching in both the colors and the shapes; the earring, the black stripe of hair, and the heterochromia should make him look like a non-cohesive mess, but instead it really help the look pop. Floyd’s laidback attitude is reflected in how he dresses—loose, without paying much attention to fully buttoning up. Little details like that are the cherry on top 👌

Floyd is an extremely difficult character to comment on because he’s so finicky and hard to pinpoint. I generally really like him; his unpredictability makes Floyd a real wild card in any scenario or interactions he ends up in. I’m unsure of where he’ll lead the situation, but it’s sure to cause chaos and being me a good amount of entertainment. This wouldn’t be the case if he were real; it’s a nightmare to deal with a person that’s so moody and flippant with their desires and motivation... and worse yet, no clear or consistent way to tame or to calm him! I get a migraine just thinking of that mess 😔 But even with all of that in mind, I can’t help but love how free-spirited he is. Floyd doesn’t let anyone or anything tell him how he should live. He doesn’t let other’s opinions of him or their judgement deter him from having a good time. Yeah, it definitely means he gets out of hand sometimes, but there’s still something so cool about being free of everything but your own whims. Floyd doesn’t even want to be tied down by his relationship with Jade as a twin, he wants to be seen as a separate entity, not just someone “similar” to Jade.

Funnily enough, I think Floyd is the least insidious of the Octatrio. He’s not 100% innocent, he’s still capable of inflicting harm, but at the very least Floyd is open about it and will give you super blatant signs that you’re About to Die. With Azul and Jade, it’s much more of a slow burn, or like... the build-up to a jump scare in a horror movie. You never know what to expect or what they will knock you out; meanwhile, Floyd will give a ton of signals via his facial expression or body language (or outright announcing that he’s coming after you).

There’s two big misconceptions about Floyd in the fandom, and quite frankly, both of them can get on my nerves 🤡 because those misconceptions grossly contradict the canon information we are presented with in TWST. The first of these is that people seem to think Floyd is... dumb??? I’ve seen people straight up and unironically call him a himbo????? Which simply isn’t true; Floyd is “all or nothing”, he runs extremely hot or cold. If he feels like it, he can ace anything. If he doesn’t, then he fucks off to do something else or just doesn’t put in the effort. Floyd is extremely brilliant, but he doesn’t feel the need to put his talents to use all of the time if it doesn’t hold his interest and/or attention. Just because a character is spontaneous and “lolz so random” doesn’t always correlate with low intelligence, and I think it would be unwise to conflate those traits.

Now, the other big thing that the fandom tends to do with Floyd is 🤡 infantilizing him to a sometimes uncomfortable degree, and then often romanticizing that very childish and simple version of him. I totally agree that Floyd can be really cute (especially when he’s in his better moods), but to believe that he can do no wrong, that he is incapable of harming others, that he feels bad when he does it, or that his “squeezes” only amount to bear hugs is just incorrect. Episode 3 literally opens with Floyd “squeezing” a mob student until that mob student passes out. Note that Floyd appeared to be even eager to do it, asking Azul if they’re done talking and if he can finally start squeezing. When Azul prompts him to “squeeze to [his] heart’s content”, Floyd does it hard. There’s so many other instances of Floyd terrorizing his classmates (to varying degrees, it’s not all extremely violent, like when he teases Riddle about his height or ill-intentioned, like when he keeps chasing Jamil after he’s already out in a game because he wants to have more fun), but the fact is that Floyd isn’t sorry about anything that he does, he actively enjoys being a shit. Another thing I see a lot (that’s related to this take) is that???? People believe that somehow his mood swings can be controlled????? That isn’t true; even Azul and Jade, the people closest to Floyd, have a difficult time reining him in because Floyd HATES being controlled or being told how he should act. No one--not figures of authority, not his friends, not his significant other (in fanon), not even his family--can take charge of Floyd. Only Floyd can take charge of Floyd.

One headcanon that I’m very adamant about when it comes to Floyd is that I believe his nicknames aren’t meant to be cute or affectionate (especially Koebi-chan/Shrimp). I’m honestly shocked that so much of the fandom thinks otherwise???? Yes, he nicknames people based on the traits they have that remind him of corresponding sea creatures, but nicknames don’t inherently mean that Floyd likes everyone. The biggest example of this is Azul. When Floyd first met him in middle school, he had called Azul “Tako-chan” (Octopus). In modern day, Floyd only ever addresses Azul by his NAME. The same goes with Jade. What this says to me is that Floyd will actually drop the nickname if he likes someone enough. Now, that doesn’t mean that Floyd will necessarily always obey them, but it confers a degree of respect that’s rare for him to demonstrate in anyone else.

It’s so easy to just take Floyd at face value and not look any deeper into the things he says and does. He’s simple in that he just wants to chill and do whatever he feels like doing, but he’s complex in that he’s a lot more skilled than people take him for. He’s carefree, but that doesn’t mean he’s entirely childish or dumb--and he definitely can be cruel when he wants to be. I won’t claim Floyd is Super Deep, but I still wish the fandom wouldn’t lean into such extremes (whether it’s the soft takes, the harsh takes, or the ones that make him out to be just “random XD”) when it comes to him. It disregards the subtle nuances of his character 😔

With most characters, I can at least list a few redeeming qualities, but that doesn’t really hold true for Epel. He hasn’t done anything to offend me to the point where I’d actively dislike him, though! I just... find Epel to be blander than a slice of heavily processed white bread (and yes, that’s taking the other characters I think are boring into consideration). I guess he looks kind of cute cool? I really like the lace collar of his school uniform, his dainty lashes, and how his lilac bangs form delicate wisps around his face. Maybe I’d cut Epel some more slack if he didn’t look like he was 10 and constantly worrying about coming across as cool and stereotypically masculine 😅

He doesn’t have anything going for him personality-wise other than being a country boy that’s forced to act like a proper high society gentleman (which just so happens to be a trope that I don’t like), and his accent only makes it harder for me to understand him 😔 I don’t even find any of the little things he does cute or charming, I just stare at Epel and see your usual “fish out of water” character with kind of inconsistent writing. Like... in-universe, is there a clear reason for Epel keeping up his shy, timid facade whenever Vil’s not within view or within earshot? I thought the whole point of Epel was that he wanted to be more of a wild child, so why isn’t he breaking free more, because he’s scared Vil will catch him? What about when he’s back in his hometown, why does Epel keep up his polite and well-spoken act up then and only occasionally break out into his dialect?

There’s honestly not a lot of interesting lore about him 💦 I found myself paying more attention to the local foods of Harveston more than I paid attention to Epel’s family tree or to his childhood stories. There’s not a lot happening to keep me engaged, and everything seems to go by so much slower when Epel’s involved. I can’t even explain why I feel this way, it just is.

This is a personal peeve of mine (since I didn’t like Epel to begin with), but I think he took up WAY too much screen time in episode 5. It felt like he and Vil were fighting for dominance, being equally as unreasonable to each other, while pushing everyone else out of the spotlight, including his own vice dorm leader. The back and forth between his cheekiness and his moments of timidity were NOT cute to me. Perhaps I would be more forgiving if I actually cared about Epel, but I don’t :/ so the entirety of episode 5 was mildly irritating to sit through.

In spite of everything I’ve just said, I’m not going to completely write Epel off; he does have something to offer in how he engages with other characters (most notably Pomefiore). He has kind of a found family dynamic with Vil as his stricter parent and Rook as the more lax one. It’s also nice to see Epel cut loose and be himself around the other first years! I think what bothers me about Epel is that most of the time he’s pretending to be something he’s not??? It feels forced on his part and like he’s not enjoying it, so I feel like I can’t get invested in it either.

[otnesse]

Commentary on Peace Walker’s lionization of Che Guevara

Well, guys, as I promised earlier, I’m going to do coverage on a particularly infamous aspect of Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker, and quite frankly if you ask me, one of its worst elements. Sorry for the delay, didn’t realize that Peace Walker was actually released on April 29 in Japan and not the 30th. I’m basically going to cover the game’s lionization of Che Guevara in the various briefing files, and in particular Big Boss and Kazuhira Miller’s lionizing of that monster. For a bit of background, Peace Walker was the second canon PSP entry into the Metal Gear series, after Portable Ops (yes, Portable Ops is in fact canon, and if you ask me was a superior game to Peace Walker in terms of story and characterizations at least, but I digress…). The game has some controversial elements, namely it being very overtly anti-American even by its usual standards, not to mention pushing left-wing values to a far greater degree. One of these values is in the blatant promotion of Che Guevara in the briefing files (in the main story itself, ie, strictly going by the actual missions you undergo, the Che love was at least limited to the Sandinistas and to Vladimir Zadornov, with it being left ambiguous as to whether Snake and Miller actually were fond of him, and while you could argue that the Sandinistas’ sympathetic portrayal could point toward a promotion, Zadornov’s promotion was definitely meant to be a negative since he was planning on having Big Boss reenact Che’s well deserved execution after successfully changing Peace Walker’s target to Cuba in a disinformation op. The Briefing Files, however, aside from obviously Amanda and Chico, members of the Sandinistas, they also had Big Boss and Miller singing praises for that jerk.).

My commentary is on how Big Boss and Miller’s promotion of the guy was a complete and total betrayal of their characters, and also a betrayal of the explicit themes of the game, and also how it’s just one sign of Kojima just being a hack writer, not to mention was extremely poorly done even if we were to assume Kojima intended for Big Boss and Miller to be seen as the villains.

Out of character

For the first part, I’ll cover how the gushing for Che Guevara was completely out of character for Big Boss, and especially for Kazuhira Miller, aka, Master Miller from MG2 and MGS, not just going by past entries, but even when taking into account Peace Walker itself and any supplementary materials. I’ll give separate sections for the two of them, since it’s going to be lengthy.

Big Boss

For Big Boss, I’ll acknowledge that he was meant to be the main villain in the MSX2 games, or at least the main antagonist. However, his singing praises for Che Guevara even knowing that tidbit still didn’t make any sense at all, for a variety of reasons. First off, the games, namely Metal Gear Solid 2, strongly implied that Big Boss adhered to a more, for lack of a better term, right wing outlook. For starters, the New York Mirror review for Nastasha Romanenko’s book gave brief coverage on the official reports of what went down on Shadow Moses. In particular, as you can see with the screencaps down below, they specifically called the Sons of Big Boss a “radical right-wing group”, and the group itself for all intents and purposes, was modeled after Big Boss (even Liquid, despite hating his father, nevertheless was influenced by his ideology).

And then we get into the character Solidus, who unlike Liquid, or even Solid Snake, practically idolized his “father” (I put it in quotes since Solidus is a clone of Big Boss, as are Liquid and Solid), to the extent that he was practically ecstatic that Raiden shot out his eye and made him look even MORE like his dad. Aside from that, as you can see below with these screencaps, he was also depicted as a proto-Tea Party type, heck, a proto-MAGA type even, basically wanting America to return to the way the Founding Fathers envisioned it. There’s definitely no way Solidus would have been the type to sing praises for a scumbag like Che Guevara, knowing that, and considering his idolization of Big Boss, it’s also unlikely Big Boss would have sang praises for that creep either.

There’s also the fact that in MGS3, he wasn’t fond of Communism at all, and had already interacted with a guy similar to Che in many respects (well, other than maybe in terms of sexuality), Colonel Yevgeny Borisovitch Volgin, as both were renowned sadists, and even directly attempted to cause nuclear war. In fact, even before the torture, Big Boss, more accurately Naked Snake at that time, learned a bit about Volgin’s past, in particular his involvement in Katyn, and presumably Bykivnia and Kurapaty as well due to EVA’s references to similar massacres occurring in Western Belarus and the Ukraine, as you can see below:

His reaction in that conversation with EVA, in particular Volgin’s personal role in executing those guys, had him downright horrified. Bear in mind that Che Guevara actually DID do several of those things himself, shot innocent and unarmed people, and if anything, unlike Volgin who at least allowed Snake to have weapons on hand to fight him, Che outright dithers when confronted with people using guns, even if they’re his own allies based on his interaction with Jorges Sotus, and to a lesser extent Jesus Carreras. It says a lot when even someone like Volgin, a psychopathic mutant, had more honor than Che Guevara. Plus, in Peace Walker, Big Boss when recalling the Cuban Missile Crisis implied that he blamed that event for his ultimately having to kill The Boss (with Miller even noting it was uncharacteristic of him to get into hypotheticals), as you can see in these screencaps below.

The reason that ties in to Che Guevara is because, believe it or not, Che is the reason why the CMC nearly caused the Cold War to become hot. He and Castro even attempted to launch nukes at the United States, and it actually spooked Khrushchev enough that he had to muzzle Che and agree to end the standoff with the United States via the Turkey Deal (or retrieving Sokolov). Knowing that bit, it’s extremely unlikely Big Boss would have been particularly fond of the guy who essentially set the ground for Operation Snake Eater and his having to kill The Boss. And that’s not even getting into how he tried to stop a nuke being launched not just once in the game, but TWICE, and the second time was a perfect opportunity for him to emulate Che Guevara and succeed where Che failed. When Paz hijacked ZEKE, she revealed that she intended to nuke the Eastern Seaboard and pin the blame on MSF under Cipher’s orders, and yet Big Boss fought her in an attempt to stop her. That definitely wouldn’t have been something Che Guevara would have done, and if anything, he bragged to the London Daily Worker that he WOULD have launched the nukes at America preemptively had they been allowed to remain.

Heck, in Portable Ops and even Peace Walker, or at least the backstory for those games, Big Boss specifically served western interests after Operation Snake Eater. In the former, Big Boss was revealed to have participated in the Mozambique War of Independence, and a comment made by Null, aka, Gray Fox, aka, Frank Jaegar, after being bested the second time around, implied that Big Boss had fought alongside the Portugese during that time (Jaegar at that time was siding with FRELIMO), as you can see from the following screencaps:

And in the tape detailing how he and Miller met (not to mention the extended version included in the Peace and Harmony Blues drama tape that was later included in the Japanese version of Ground Zeroes, specifically chapters 1 and 2), it was mentioned that Kazuhira Miller at the time was a mercenary operating with an implied communist rebel group in Colombia, while Big Boss was clearly siding with the Western-backed government.

I think the events proper for Peace Walker was the first time Big Boss explicitly sided with Communists (not counting Portable Ops, since it’s implied the Russian soldiers renounced their Communism after being abandoned by the Soviet government), and even there, he did it more out of his own personal motives of getting closure regarding The Boss’s true motives after learning she may have somehow survived Snake Eater than out of any liking of Mena/Zadornov’s objectives.

Besides, Big Boss is former CIA, and grunt or not, he'd still need to have at least some degree of knowledge about Che, namely stuff like how Che tried to commit to the Cuban Missile Crisis and make it a hot war, among other things like his instituting gulags in Cuba. And let's not forget, when Gene in Portable Ops tried to pull a similar stunt, Big Boss was genuinely horrified by what he was planning to do.

Kazuhira Miller

Now we get to Kazuhira Miller, aka, Master McDonnell Benedict Miller. Unlike Big Boss, Miller was consistently up to that point depicted as a good guy (probably the closest he got to engaging in villainy was in MGS1 regarding manipulating Snake into arming REX, and even there, he was dead three days before the events of the game, and that had been Liquid who did so). He was also shown to be a huge Che fanboy, and if anything he was depicted as being an even bigger fanboy than Big Boss himself in that game. And Peace Walker also retconned his origins by revealing he was in fact born in Japan with bi-racial ancestry (Japanese and American Caucasian), as he originally was third-generation Japanese American. He was made clear to have more love for America than his own home country of Japan, and only recognized the meaning of peace when talking to his hospitalized mom. He also was mentioned to have been influenced to get into the mercenary business by Yukio Mishima’s suicide, though he does imply that he wasn’t on the same political spectrum as him. Him singing praises for Che Guevara doesn’t work well at all, especially considering that he repeatedly stressed that they not allow another Cuban Missile Crisis to happen, and going by his comments in these screencaps below (in the same briefing file as Big Boss’s uncharacteristically going into hypotheticals, and if anything happened immediately before then), he was fully aware about how Japan itself was almost nuked again thanks to that event (with the only difference being that the Soviets were more likely to nuke them), as you can see with the following screencaps.

Having him sing praises for Che Guevara, whom as I pointed out earlier actually attempted to launch nukes and jumpstart World War III, comes across as ESPECIALLY distasteful knowing that bit, since it comes across as him basically cheering for the guy who tried to wipe out his fellow Japanese, to say little about the Americans, whom back then, he idolized. It would be the same thing as a Holocaust survivor singing praises for Adolf Hitler after narrowly surviving being killed by him. It also doesn’t match up at all with his characterization in MG2 or even MGS1 (and believe me, Liquid posing as Miller or not, his statements to Snake would have been what Miller himself would have said since Snake didn’t seem suspicious at all about him.), the latter regarding the bit about Meryl after she was captured. Even his not being fond of Japan doesn’t cut it, especially when, ignoring that he put that to the side after his mom was hospitalized, the character Sokolov ALSO wasn’t fond of the Soviet Union at all, risked crossing the iron curtain alongside his family to get away from it, and would have been free as a bird had the CMC not happened, and almost got away again until The Boss interfered. Even THERE, however, he still retained at least some degree of love for Russia itself, as when Gene decided to try to nuke Russia (or at least, that’s what Gene led everyone to believe at the time), he secretly went against Gene and adopted the alias of Ghost to aid Big Boss specifically to prevent a nuke from being launched there, being THAT against harming Russia despite hating the Soviet policies. I would have expected Miller to not be fond of Che Guevara at all for that reason.

Overall

The whole thing also didn’t work since if they were meant to be seen as heroes, it ticks off a whole lot of players who are fully aware of some of the crap Che Guevara caused and know his true nature, and regarding painting them as a villain, the problem is that the story DOESN’T depict them as villains for that. Heck, they don’t even STATE any bad things Che did other than maybe dying, and if anything, the way everyone was talking, you’d think he’d walk on water. If Kojima wanted to depict Big Boss and Miller as villains by having him sing praises for Che, the very least he could have done was make sure to specifically reference Che Guevara’s role in nearly causing the Cold War to go Hot by the time of the Cuban Missile Crisis and his being upset at the nukes being removed.

Apparently, if Kojima’s secretary is of any indication, the reason the Che love was in the game was because Kojima himself tried to force in his socio-political views into the game in blatant disregard for the narrative and characterizations therein, as you can see below with links (screencaps will have to be in an addendum post since, unfortunately, I've hit my limit regarding screencap postings):

https://twitter.com/Kaizerkunkun/status/900937994143649792

https://twitter.com/Kaizerkunkun/status/1179860611297153038

https://twitter.com/Kaizerkunkun/status/1190763430497542144

Themes

The Che praise doesn’t work too well with the themes either, since he was not a peaceful man, even called himself the opposite of Christ, and tried to start a nuclear war. It definitely goes against the stated themes of the game, which was peace, not to mention the anti-nuke themes of the overall franchise. Heck, if anything, specifically referencing Che’s attempt at nuking the US and causing Nuclear War, and by extension outright condemning him for it would have worked much better with the themes of anti-nukes, especially considering that they made sure to reference Vasily Arkhipov’s actions during the Cuban Missile Crisis at one point, not to mention referenced both Katyn and the fact that the Turkey silos were already rendered obsolete even before the Turkey Deal made removing them required due to the advent of nuclear subs in Snake Eater earlier. And without the references to that, or any other bad stuff, you’re literally left thinking that he must be a good guy. I’d know because I fell for that myself, especially after getting the game (I didn’t follow the briefing files, but I did follow the cutscenes on YouTube back when it was still in Japan, and I also was baffled as to how people were talking about Big Boss and Miller were Che fanboys since the cutscenes never even pointed in either direction, and if anything, Big Boss nearly being killed by Zadornov would probably point to him NOT liking Che afterwards due to nearly being forced into Che’s fate).

The only thing it did was just have Kojima force in his political and social views, and I’ll be blunt, that kind of crap is something I have distaste in, I hate having propaganda pushed onto me. Ironically, Kojima or at least the Benson books for MGS1 and MGS2, instilled that view onto me. So my anger at Kojima doing that, after learning what Che was truly like in one of the Politically Incorrect Books (either Vietnam War or the 1960s one), is very much personal as well as political and social.

Aftermath

Well, as I said, I did buy into the narrative around the time Peace Walker was released, but then I learned I was being tricked by Kojima after reading the PIG books. I’d argue that event definitely was a watershed event for me. Not only did it have me lose any respect I might have had for Kojima, it also influenced my outlook on life, left me becoming distrustful the second I started picking up how they’re trying to push an agenda instead of, say, actually teaching the material in college. It also may have influenced my later views on Star Wars and Disney’s Beauty and the Beast (specifically, George Luca’s open admission to basing the Ewoks/Rebels on the Vietcong, and especially modeling the Galactic Empire after American soldiers; and Linda Woolverton admitting that she was trying to push a radical feminist agenda in Beauty and the Beast, the same one she tried to push in that awful Maleficent movie. Though I also was becoming disturbed with Belle for reasons other than that bit due to researching the French Revolution, though I will acknowledge Big Boss and Kazuhira Miller’s fanboying of Che Guevara, and in particular their reference to Sartre and his infamously singing praises for Che as “the most complete human being of the century”, certainly worsened my views on Belle, thinking that she may turn out like Sartre and throw her lot with the Jacobins and other groups.). It also left me distrusting of whatever Metal Gear had to say, may have also led to my not liking Chris Redfield after Resident Evil 5, or heck, some of the more anti-American commentary in 5 and other games, and also Dead Rising. It also influenced my decision to become a Dead or Alive fan (especially when before, I wasn’t particularly fond of the game due to the fanservice stuff), and in particular a Tina and Bass fan. May have also influenced my later distaste of Greg Berlanti’s writing of Arrowverse shows, in particular Supergirl starting with Season 2 (though that also had Heroes Redemption as a factor, which predated Peace Walker, thanks to how it changed Claire Bennet).

[bigskydreaming]

#when i read about tim i often kind of come to the idea that he's relatively self centered#and that can be both a flaw and a strength#but he doesn't often consider other people's feelings and circumstances#like when dick made damian robin he didn't really consider the situation from anyone else's view#or in his origin story#he doesn't seem to consider how dick would feel about hearing how tim was affected by dick's parents' death#or with the spyral situation#or in regards to him earning robin#and its pretty consistent in fandom characterization even if a lot of writers don't seem to be aware of it#its interesting cause i think its something i think he has in common with bruce#its honestly a surprisingly consistent thing from what i see#and it can be a strength to#it can absolutely lead to some confidence and self actualization#as well as being able commit to fixing something and working hard at it#because you believe you can and don't think anyone else can/will do it via @emenerd

Y’know, what’s interesting to me about these points is the fact that like.....Tim having tendencies towards self-centeredness is actually something that COMPLETELY makes sense and can be quite sympathetic in light of his backstory of having neglectful parents.

In an age of armchair diagnosticians eager to label anyone who expresses a controversial viewpoint while centering themselves as an example, as like, having a narcissistic personality disorder (and with the loaded implication that this makes them a bad person even if its true, instead of just....having a disorder, yay weaponizable ableism) like, it can be important to add in distinctions that even tendencies that share overlap with a lot of things born of entitlement, etc....aren’t always necessarily proof of that.

For instance, in Tim’s case, an overemphasis on himself and his own position in situations and arguments can very reasonably be attributed as a coping mechanism he developed in an attempt to acknowledge and address self-esteem issues he sees himself as having, DUE to parental neglect.

Its not that he thinks he’s the most important person in the room, necessarily, its that he spent so many years not even being considered a person in the room, that now he OVERCOMPENSATES on his own behalf, in an attempt to remind himself that no, his opinion and feelings and situations do matter.....and because he like most of the Bat-characters has a tendency towards hyper-fixating on a problem they’re trying to address, this can also understandably create a kind of tunnel vision. Where he’s so busy focusing on what he’s diagnosed as an actual issue he has that he’s trying to address or make up for, in order to build up his self-esteem....that he neglects to keep everyone around him equally centered in his interactions with them, and remember that like, they have their own issues and ignoring that to focus entirely on his own runs the risk of negatively impacting them in the exact same way he’s still learning to cope with having been negatively impacted in his development as a child.

None of this makes him a bad person, or is stuff that can’t be addressed and developed just by paying the appropriate attention to it and his interactions.

SO the issue I tend to more often have....

Is with how often in fandom and fanon we hear references to Tim’s neglect and emotional abuse and how this impacted him.....much in the same way we see Jason and Cass and Damian and Dick’s various forms of abuse and the developmental impact it had on them....

BUT there tends to then be a disconnect, IMO, because that acknowledgment of the WHAT of Tim’s neglect and abuse and the HOW it hurt him.....isn’t often followed up by an examination/awareness of how it also SHAPED him.....at least, not compared to how discussions/fics about say, Jason’s abuse tend to point out the latter as much as the former.

And this is a big part of my gripe with the ways abuse is centered and tackled as a topic in fics and fandom discussions, because its so often capitalized upon as a defense or shield for a character from criticism, stuff like that.....without ever actually EXPLORING the topic itself, or the FULLNESS of the impact it can have.

But only in regards to some characters.

What I mean is like....we see a lot of focus on Jason’s childhood abuse, yeah? And this often is then connected through headcanons, meta and fics to various aspects of Jason’s characterization as a teenager, and as an adult as well.....with a tendency towards anger or violence, abrasive personality, etc. Don’t get me wrong, its usually presented as such in a SYMPATHETIC light, especially when raised by fans of Jason themselves.....but his abuse is very much present and centered in fics and discussions as something that not only impacted him and made him suffer, but something that actually shaped him to varying degrees as well....with a lot of focus then in fics of him as an adult, like, paid to him going to therapy and unpacking his childhood abuse in an effort to WORK on these aspects of himself that make his present day life harder or less healthy than he’d like it to be. The issue of how his abuse lent itself to various behaviorisms is raised in order to address various byproducts of his abuse as FLAWS that he seeks to eliminate, in order to make himself happier and make himself someone that people want to be around more.

And again, don’t get me wrong - for the most part, this is a GOOD thing. The caveat here is just a personal dislike I have for how often these narratives smack of a kind of saviorism, and act like it was only through the grace of Bruce and becoming part of the Batfam that Jason’s ever afforded the opportunity to better himself as a person. I dislike the hell out of this because it not only pairs all too well with a lot of classist shit, it feeds into the singular narrative we’re so often presented with by media about abused kids: the myth of the victim being destined to become a victimizer, it all being an inevitable cycle. The reason this myth is so easily perpetuated is the exact reason I’m so critical of the saviorism in a lot of abused-Jason fics.....people can very easily fall into the trap of assuming that abused kids are likely to grow up to be abusers because they never have anyone to TEACH them that abuse is wrong, or to lead by healthy example. 

The harm of this perception is that it kinda throws under the bus every kid who never lucks out and gets a Bruce Wayne style savior swooping in to not only save them from their abusive environs, but TEACH them that they deserved better and that abuse is wrong. 

Because its like, uh, the thing is, plenty of abused kids who never get a personal mentor or savior figure are fully capable of figuring out for themselves that they deserve better and that people hurting them is wrong, because it makes them feel bad and they don’t like that? 

Many abused kids don’t grow up in a media vacuum where they simply have no access to glimpses of lives different from their own.....we see kids having happier, healthier family lives on TV or in books and are able to figure out that society overall thinks that’s what family is SUPPOSED to look like, and its ours that is the aberration? 

The very fact that we’re taught or have it instilled in us by abusive parents that like, we’re not to bring up instances or examples of our abuse to teachers or friends, that its a SECRET, is like, usually a dead giveaway that there’s something WRONG with it that we’re being instructed - and enforced with abusive consequences - to keep from alerting others to....like, this is basically a blaring siren to a lot of us that no, what’s happening to us ISN’T normal and acceptable, and that’s literally WHY the parent we’re afraid of is so insistent on us keeping the facts of it hidden? 

And so like, tons of abused kids figure out for ourselves the difference between right or wrong, based off nothing more than our own feelings about things and a desire to not be like the people who make us feel miserable - like, never underestimate the power of spite to like, keep a kid from growing up doing the same thing to others that was done to them, lol. 

But point being, lots of kids never get a Bruce Wayne figure to take them away from their abuse and also teach them that they never deserved it and how not to pass the hurt forward by doing the same things to others. And its kinda condescending as fuck that we so often see narratives that take it as so obvious it barely merits commenting on, that like, ‘of COURSE abused kids grow up to become abusers if they don’t have someone else step in and show them a better way’....mmm, no. Fuck that. But you get what I mean.

So like, its a mixed bag. Its a good thing, to see Jason-centric stories that show him addressing his childhood and seeking just a more fuller, happier, healthier life for himself. Its a less great thing to see this narrative presented as all encompassing, with it never being raised that no, Jason actually could figure out he deserved better and how to treat people in ways he’d want to be treated even without a billionaire guardian angel.....NOT because the narrative wherein someone helps an abused kid figure out what was wrong about how they were treated is like, NEVER valid....but rather it just becomes a problem when looked at as a data point against the larger tapestry of fandom-wide works....and noticing that this specific narrative is pretty much the ONLY one raised or treated as valid. With it just being ASSUMED to be the natural course of events and characters, rather than just....the direction society overall has their perceptions of abuse steered towards due to a singular and constantly reinforced abuse narrative shown to us in media.

And the way this all plays back into my point about Tim and what took me down this road in general.....

Is that disconnect I was talking about, lies specifically in HOW Tim is often acknowledged and regarded as an abuse survivor due to his emotional abuse and neglect......with this abuse and its impact on HIM often taking center stage, much the way Jason’s abuse and its impact takes center stage in his narratives.....

BUT with a key difference being that while a lot of Jason’s narratives go on to denote the specific ways his abuse helped SHAPE him and his interactions with others, and raise and address the ways in which he can better himself and his relationships by unpacking all of this openly....

Most of the stories about Tim’s abuse/neglect tend to just STOP at the awareness of its existence and impact on him. Never taking it that one step further to examine how those specific forms of abuse could have additionally SHAPED him....in ways that sometimes negatively impact those around him and his own loved ones, even if this is completely unintentional on his part. The difference, the disconnect, lies solely in how rarely its ever acknowledged that Tim’s own upbringing can and does play directly into how he interacts with people later on in life.....and in ways that he’s fully capable of addressing and bettering himself so as to be happier and healthier just in his own life, and in his relationships, as someone others want to be around.

Aaaaand once you actually examine or consider WHY there’s this discrepancy between the full ramifications of Tim’s abuse and that which various siblings of his underwent, when there’s full agreement that what he did go through absolutely can be termed abusive as well....like, its the implications of what about Tim makes him more naturally resistant or whatever to being shaped by his abuse in ways that have actual negative impact on others in his life, whereas the same isn’t true of say, Jason.....that’s when the red flags start to go up for me, and the unintended subtext starts to get Less Than Stellar, IMO.

Anyway. Just food for thought on the subject of Tim, his upbringing, the various impacts this had on not JUST him but also on how he interacts with others, and ways in which all of this compares and contrasts with how the subject of abuse is raised and depicted in regards to other Batkids.

[kedreeva]

Second question: how do you, like, find friends in fandom? Because for some reason every fic-writing blog I come across in one of my fandoms is run by someone at least a decade older than I am. Do you have any tips on how to find writers the same age as you are? Are there certain events (bangs and stuff like that) for minors only/where you can ask for a partner in a similar age range?

I do not find friends in fandom, they usually find me as I am minding my own business. Except Chasing, because I was in her office at lunch and she hated me until she liked me.

In reality.... you get what you put into fandom. When you get consistently involved in commenting on fic/art/podcasts/etc, people do start to recognize your name. If you scroll tags for your fandom, you see more content creators; you can click through to their blogs and have a look around. A lot of people don’t mind if you just start talking to them. If you do start writing and people initiate interaction, you can interact back and encourage them to start conversations. Participate in fandom events to the best of your ability. Pass on content via reblogs (when you consistently reblog someone’s stuff, they NOTICE and they LIKE the support and if you start talking to them after a bit they’ll likely be inclined to answer and be friendly because they recognize your name). There are LOTS of public discord servers with chatty people in them.

As for “same-age” or minor-only events, I can’t really help you. I don’t really look at anyone else’s age. I’m not anyone’s parent, and it’s been a long time since I was a minor, so it hasn’t really been a concern for me within a time span that could be of assistance. I will say two things:

The first (and I say this as kindly as I am able) is that fandom, in general and since the beginning, is not really a “minors” space. What I mean is that fandom is an adult space that “allows” minors into it. Most online (like bangs and theme weeks and stuff) and IRL events (like conventions) are run by adults for adults. Most communities and websites are run by adults for adults. Most of the content (and arguably the better content due to life experience and time spent practicing their various crafts, writing, art, etc) is produced by adults for adults. And I don’t mean “adult” as in “sex, drugs, violence, ADULT ONLY THEMES etc” but I do mean that a LOT of fandom, the vast majority of it, is produced by people over the age of majority for people who have similar amounts of life experience. This is NOT because minors are incapable or anything, it’s just that “minor” applies to about 5-6 years of a human lifespan (12-17, as most younger than that aren’t [or shouldn’t be??? i don’t know what The Kids are doing, so take this is a rough estimate] really in fandom yet) and “adult” applies to literal decades of lifespan, so there’s just. more adults because it covers so much time. And they have money enough to host websites and buy art supplies and have taken classes and gotten a bunch of life experiences and stuff. And a lot of them have spent long years cultivating friendships and communities around themselves, and while OFTEN these spaces do allow minors... since they are being RUN by adults, they’re not going to exclude adults. I think you’re going to be hard pressed to find well-put-together and/or long-standing spaces/events/communities that are run by and populated exclusively with minors.

The second is that some communities and events are more minor-friendly than others, and that you may be able to find those easier than minor-exclusive ones. Again, I am not really sure I can help you actually find those communities, as I am not a minor, and you’ll probably end up doing some trial-and-error to find ones that are comfortable for you. Absolutely do not be afraid to get out if you feel uncomfortable in a space, and I know you’ve probably heard this advice before but if anyone gives you a weird vibe, block their ass and do not interact. You may be able to find ages in some profiles on social media (although again, that’s just the age they say they are). Some discords will lock up the adult-themed stuff and have either 18+ tags and/or “Under 18″ tags that you can use to navigate who to talk to (again, be careful who you talk to in private). And, hey, there’s always the route of “make the stuff you want to see in the world.” If you want minor-only minor-run events or spaces/communities, you can start them up (although the case of communities... you’ll need to decide what you do when you or people who have been a part of your community and have formed friendships “age out” of them.... another reason for my first point, it’s hard to keep anything “minor only” when minors rapidly turn into adults after a couple of years).

I’m sorry I can’t really help you on this one, and that this is probably not the answer you wanted, but I’m not (and haven’t been for a long while) a minor and I don’t really have any solid advice on how to navigate what is arguably a solidly adult space in order to find a possible group of people by a criteria you can’t really prove.

[akugyu]

NOW PLAYING . . . the purge by jay park + more

‘ 𝖇𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖐 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖜𝖎𝖓𝖉𝖔𝖜𝖘 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖑𝖊𝖙’𝖘 𝖑𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙 𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖕𝖑𝖆𝖈𝖊 𝖔𝖓 𝖋𝖎𝖗𝖊. ’

. . . before you follow ਏਓ ｡ ﾟ

disclaimer ; my content as of right now is only published on tumblr. later on, it will also consist of ao3 for longer series. my content is to not be shared via social medias, or other platforms.

i suffer from the use of dark humor, and rarely ever use tone indicators because i have the memory of a goldfish. nothing i say is ever serious and if it is, i’ll state that . . . my content is SFW, and NSFW. if you only want to see sfw content, you can find my tags and block the ones you want.

i do not take requests, but i do take commissions that you can look into! i write for fem/afab, male/amab, and gender natural. all my works are indicated as to which it is . . . my ask box is always open! to mutuals, and anons for casual talk, thirsts, ranting about your favs etc — and even charanons on my side blog ; loveitaa ♡

last but not least, i follow and have dark content mutuals. as well as write my own dark content . . . this does not under any circumstances mean that i condone a lot of DC topics. however, creativity is what creativity is. you are to not ridicule me or others for it.

. . . do not interact if ਏਓ ｡ ﾟ

you are under the age of eighteen, do not follow nor interact with me. this is for my safety and yours. however, if you are a minor and you want to reblog or interact on a sfw piece, you are obligated to do so . . . i will not follow anyone back who is an ageless blog, and you will be removed . . . if you do not condone aging characters up, leave.

genshin impact community . . . do NOT interact if you are anti sumeru, and anti tartaglia. if you believe the travelers are minors. if you sexualize the children/call them lolis any unnecessary hate towards the company, characters, lore, etc will not be tolerated on this blog . . . if you participate in the sharing of leaks, avoid bringing it onto my blog.

do not interact if you disapprove of or don’t support dark content . . . if you send hate anons about me, others, or my mutuals, fuck off. it is on sight . . . if you participated in atsumu hate night, have awful hcs about characters like making them homophobic or etc . . . make flattykawa, pisshead tsumu, hitler geto, whore gojo, deadchi, ratsumu jokes — fuck off.

if you meet basic DNI criteria, don’t even consider following my blog. that includes but is not limited to : homophobic, biphobic, panphobic, xenophobic, transphobic, racist, ableist, anti-men / make derogatory comments. etc

༶ • ┈┈┈┈┈୨ 🍵 ୧┈┈┈┈┈ • ༶

i will NOT be ever writing for the follow categories ; sa, sh, excessive gore, vore, pregnant readers or pregnancy, age regression, pet play (minus bunny/kitten! reader), ed’s, mental illness disorders, scat, sounding, angst without a decent ending, cheating (on main characters). + more.

. . . what you will see as my usual content is ; fluff, angst, comfort, alternative universes, SMAU’s, crack, daddy kink, degradation, knife play, an extent of gun play, violence, blood, bodily fluids, mental and emotional manipulation, gaslighting, somnophilia, dubcon, drugs, nicotine, alcohol, praise, shibari, polyamory, corruption, dacryphila. + more.

PLEASE NOTE THAT all content will be tagged appropriately, and have the proper warnings before you head into it . . . pursue my blog with absolute fucking caution lmao.

[luminary-lady]

A Note on Female-Led, Male-Centered Fandoms

Why your negative emotions about your fave and their potential love interest aren’t as unique as you think

I’m what might be considered an “old person” in fandom circles. Granted, I don’t think I’m that old, but I’m old enough to have been in many different fandoms for years at a time. I’ve learned a lot of lessons through my participation in these spaces, and one thing always strikes me about female-led fandoms that center around male public figures: No matter how different their subjects of affection are, they fall into the same patterns. One of the most consistent patterns is how they react when their “fave” is romantically connected to a woman.

Recently, I read some Tumblr blogs focused on a famous man who was linked with a woman who most would consider less famous. They may or may not be dating in some capacity, but there are a lot of different people in fandom invested in finding out. Because celebrities don’t put every moment of their lives online, fans conduct research into their preferred hypothesis by analyzing social media likes, follows, and comments. They study the backgrounds of pictures to determine the subjects’ whereabouts. The more zealous members of fandom try to solicit details from people in the subjects’ vicinity, including their friends, family, and coworkers.

In the midst of all this research, the fandom divides itself into camps. One camp is metaphorical Switzerland, at least publicly: “Let’s just focus on his work, guys. Respect his privacy.” A second camp hopes that their fave is dating the woman in question, and they hunt for clues that corroborate their shipping desires. Yet another camp does not want their fave to be dating this woman. They consistently remind themselves and other fans of all the clues that point toward the “not dating” hypothesis, and when clues arise that could be interpreted as disrupting this theory, they go on the offense.

They start with the woman first. The Instagram story she posted of an everyday object could be traced back to him in some way, so of course she is baiting the fandom and looking for attention. So thirsty. She liked one of his posts. God, how pathetic. She said or did something wrong or shady in the past and did not address it or apologize. It’s not just her actions that get the side-eye; as a person she is irredeemably problematic.

Unfortunately for them, the all-important clues are not one-sided. Sometimes he interacts with her. To the final camp of the fandom, this means he must be dissected as well. This presents a dilemma, however. They can’t label him thirsty. No, no. That would mean admitting that he wants to be tied to this awful woman, that he is a willing and equal participant in their interactions. If they go down that road, they’d be forced to face an even worse possibility: what if he likes her? What if he would consider dating her or *gulp* already is?

So, it’s time to dust off their degree in Diagnosing Strangers’ True Desires and Psychological State via the Internet. He is a playboy who will never actually get married, and probably is just using her (and a bunch of other woman) for gratification. He is a feckless, manipulatable fool who likes to act smart and intellectual, but is actually too dumb to see how she is using him. He is a bottomless pit of ego who gets off on women publicizing themselves through him. 

In short, he is the absolute worst, and must be protected at all costs. Or, if they’re feeling too angry to be protective, he must be “called out” and “held accountable for his actions.” These actions may include, but are not limited to: remaining silent about the woman’s problematic nature, liking her posts, being seen or photographed with her, interacting online with any other attractive women, and pursuing other women IRL (ok, so, he might not have actually done that, but Enty/Deuxmoi/a random anonymous Instagram said he did). Anyone who disagrees with their conclusions is a delusional stan.

I’m talking about the Chris Evans fandom, right? No, wait, the Sebastian Stan fandom. No, hold on, the Tom Hiddleston fandom. Or another fandom, or another one.

The (overwhelmingly) female participants of each of these fandoms will swear up and down that they are not part of this larger pattern. Yes, they acknowledge, there can be misogyny in certain fandom spaces - the way Reddit treats Brie Larson is just awful! But their motivations are different. This woman actually is problematic. She is thirsty. She is cringeworthy. That’s just reality. Therefore, their vitriol is justified. Besides, they been fangirling their fave a long time. They’ve seen his tendencies over the years. They know who he really is based on the information they meticulously collected. 2 + 2 = 4, they say. Can’t you see it?!

Yes, I can see it. And by “it” I mean the utterly predictable, utterly boring conversations that will play out across fandoms, blogs, and anonymous asks until Tumblr finally tumbles into the ocean. I’m not delusional enough to think that this rant will open anyone’s eyes, or change their behavior. I’m just exhausted, and tired of the repetitive drama. So I’m calling all of you out.

Ideally, you would self-reflect. Dedicate time to other, more productive pursuits. Though if past experience is any indication, you will either jump ship entirely, or continue to obsessively blog about your no-longer fave while periodically venting your simmering disappointment and resentment. To each their own. Just please don’t ever think your “insights” are unique or based on reason. They were said before you, and they will be said after you. When it comes to fandom misogyny, the men are inconsequential, the women interchangeable. Insecure fangirls always follow the same playbook.

[theworldinclines]

Title: someone here loves you Pairing: Mork and Pi, Mork and Mueang Nan Summary: Pre-series into episode 1 character speculation Ao3 link

     Mork likes to think that he’s got a skill in reading people. His talents prove handy in pretty much any situation Mork could find himself in, and after years of relationships avoided that Mork could tell would’ve ended on an unfortunate note (romantic or otherwise), he fancies his skills sharper than most others’. Thanks to him, his younger sister had turned down the date of a boy in her class who’d later ended up trying to steal goods from a local shop; and he’d successfully coached one of his old high school friends on how to end a friendship that he wasn’t happy in. So yes, Mork’s fairly confident.

     On the other side of that, whether it be metaphorical or literal, Mork doesn’t like to be under a spotlight. He prefers to be the guy on the sidelines cheering on his friend rather than having to be the poor sucker bombarded by obsessive fans. Mork, in his time as Mueang Nan’s closest friend, has come to see that this isn’t an exaggeration. Mork rarely uploads content on social media, Mueang Nan posts at least one update per day. Mork’s account is private and although he has a lot of followers, he hasn’t reciprocated in kind. Mueang Nan is public and his posts always receive at least 200 comments from strangers, while Mork will get 50 from people he’s spoken to in person.

     He doesn’t fault Mueang Nan at all; he grew up in a remote northern village where he hadn’t had a mobile, barely a television, so for Mueang Nan to enjoy social media to the extent he does is totally fair. Even if he hadn’t grown up the way he did, Mork wouldn’t fault Mueang Nan for something as small as liking Instagram or Facebook.

     It doesn’t matter, at the end of the day, because his well-honed talent has already told Mork that Mueang Nan is a genuinely good guy. Out of anyone, Ai’Nan actually deserves to be as well-liked as he is, and on Mork’s end he’s content to live on the blurred edges of relative obscurity than be made daily the center of a stampede. He’ll leave Mueang Nan to pseudo-celebrity life and remain virtually invisible by his side. That’s ideal, really.

     But a boy nudges his glasses further up his nose, tugging red-bitten lips between his bracketed teeth in a bout of nerves, and within a moment, the fellow first-year knows that if no one else ever knew who Mork was here or anywhere, he’d want this boy to know.

     It’s orientation, as cliché as that may be, where Mork first sees Pi. As a fellow first year, Mork hasn’t met Mueang Nan or really anyone that he’d feel inclined to befriend, and so catching sight of Pi in the crowd of anxious freshers lands a hit square into Mork’s chest. He can’t see his name-tag, blocked in as he is by other students, but to see him here in the sciences is proof enough that they’ll at least share one or two classes.

     And Mork is so happy to be correct. The dentistry student’s name is Pattawee, commonly Pi, and he’s nothing like any crush Mork’s ever had before. He often spots Pi in conversation with another boy, occasions which generally end in elbows thrown into each other’s chests or Pi dragged down into a headlock. Pi’s raucous laughter imprints upon Mork’s thoughts to prompt unbidden smiles from him, and Mork can’t even find it in himself to be embarrassed. The boys are obviously nothing more than friends, so Mork wants to hold onto the hope that Pi is single. He keeps a consistent eye on him both in class and out, and never has he seen Pi spend time with anyone else on campus. Whether or not Mork will ever stop being a loser and talk to him before he is taken by someone else remains to be seen.

     Well, they have spoken, per se, though not at any great length. Pi favours the back row in lectures, Mork always sits nearer to the front; and half the time, Pi packs his bag in record speed and is darting from the room before Mork has even closed his notebook. All this adds up to the unfortunate fact that opportunities for Mork to ‘coincidentally’ run into Pi are pretty much nill. The one time he’d managed to run into Pi had been unfortunately literal.

     Mork had been glancing at his phone for the time and it was enough of a distraction that he’d stepped out into the hallway and directly onto Pi’s ankles. To Mork’s credit, Pi had paused in front of the door to adjust a stubborn zipper on his backpack and directly blocked Mork’s path (a miracle if Mork’s ever seen one). Rather than the usual meet-cute a romantic might expect, Pi had spun on Mork with an affronted air and hissed, “You can’t see me here?”

     “You’re in the middle of the doorway!” Mork had pointed out, his mouth moving faster than his brain. Pi snorted and spun away with a glare as though Mork was the problem here, and there ended Mork’s first and thus far last conversation with his crush. That was four months ago in February.

     By the week following Valentine’s Day, Mork begins to suspect that Pi is plotting his murder, as everywhere Mork goes, Pi appears as well. Only at the beginning of this month, Pi’s behaviour would’ve thrilled Mork. But now he recognises Pi’s comments on Mueang Nan’s Instagram, and he can see that Pi’s giddy attention slides right past Mork to Mueang Nan. If he deigns Mork with a look, it’s one of disdain and annoyance, at best. Mork doesn’t have to be a genius people-reader to know that his crush… is crushing on his closest friend.

     Mueang Nan doesn’t know, of course. He assumes everyone is just incredibly friendly, so any special treatment he receives tends to go over his head. Pi’s also never spoken to Mueang Nan in real life, likely similar to Mork’s own inability due to general nerves. It’s sort of surprising to Mork, considering Pi doesn’t come across as someone afraid of anything or wont to give in to anyone’s demands. But for as much as he trails after Mueang Nan (and by extension, Mork), Pi hasn’t yet said a word, and neither has Mork about his true feelings.

     Hands shoved in his pockets, Mork is just entering the building for a morning class when he hears murmuring from a nearby hallway. He pauses in his steps to look and —

     “It doesn’t sound sincere,” Pi complains to himself. “Nan, I know you like choux cream desserts…” The dentistry student is stood there with a box in his hands and talking to the wall. Mork would say that’s the strangest thing he’s seen Pi do, but that’d be a lie.

     Their last spoken interaction hadn’t been the greatest and, since then, Pi’s only ever shot daggers via sneer Mork’s way, his certainty that Mork wants to ‘steal’ Mueang Nan of no help on that end. Maybe choosing to sit back silently isn’t helping either. If Pi already dislikes him so vehemently, what’s a little teasing going to hurt?

     “I know you like them,” he says near Pi’s ear, “so I stole some for you.”

     Mork comes to find within moments that it can go very badly, actually. He ends up alone in the hallway, his handkerchief covered in clotted dessert cream, and asking why luck has screwed him once again. (Probably his attempt at a joke is what screwed him, but he’s going to ignore that for now.)

     Pi is insistent that Mork is out to get him, so convinced as he is that Mork’s goal in life is to destroy Pi’s, but Mork knows he can’t let this go. Pi is already thoroughly blinded himself against Mork to the extent that there’s really no way Mork could tell him the truth and be taken with sincerity. Anything he says is seen as a dig, so how can Mork help if Pi doesn’t trust him? He isn’t about to out his best friend, but Mueang Nan isn’t interested in dating or anything of the sort. He’s always kind to Pi because that’s who he is, and he’s never one to decline a new friend, but… this won’t have the happy ending Pi has been hoping for.

     If Pi continues down this road, Mork knows he’s only going to be hurt and disappointed until the day he’s honest with Mueang Nan and met with the truth of why. And if Pi’s going to be hurt, which Mork would never want, maybe he can put in some effort to… redirect his affection? It’s sort of self-serving, but Mork will say instead that he’s baking two pies with one oven: make Pi like him and thereby willingly move on from Mueang Nan, never having to be hurt at all.

     He recalls Pi’s doe-eyed gaze behind his glasses that morning and thinks that maybe there’s a chance. Once he really knows Mork, maybe he’ll be swayed. Maybe.

     Mork has to give thanks to Mueang Nan’s obsession with posting status updates because tonight’s brings about another miracle: Pi comes to the club. Mork knows he’s there for Mueang Nan, but if he intercepts him on the way in, who’s going to call him on that?

     He hangs back for a moment as the bouncer gives Pi a quirked, disinterested eyebrow. He can’t blame him entirely when Pi’s wearing his shirt tucked in with worn-out sneakers, but as always, Mork finds Pi’s authentic personality charming. He throws an arm over Pi and revels in the feeling of his classmate brushing his waist, again when he pivots Pi away from an oncoming tray of drinks. And there again are Pi’s wide eyes on him, making Mork almost forget that they’re in a hallway that smells mostly of stale smoke and strangers.

     He takes pictures of Mueang Nan and Pi to be helpful and show the latter that he is in support of, not against, Pi’s crush, because that’s the truth even if it isn’t the whole truth. He stands beside Pi at the table; one, because he wants to and two, as further proof that he isn’t the one here with a crush on Mueang Nan. Mork thinks that it’s going perfectly fine until Pi shoots him a look full to the brim with something too close to dejected for Mork’s liking before fleeing the scene.

     He finds Pi in a pile of garbage beside the dumpster, and his heart jumps where it hides behind his ribs. How the hell had this happened in the two minutes Pi had been away from them? But when Mork tries to express his sincere sympathy, Pi just snaps, “You convinced Mueang Nan to take pictures with me because you want people to look down on me!” and Mork’s at a loss. That can’t be possible. Who in the world could look down on someone as unapologetically obstinate as Pi?

     “People look down on you? Who?” Mork asks, sure that if he had names he’d clear up this misunderstanding. If ‘clearing up’ entails his beating them into the concrete and/or possibly suing for slander, that’s his prerogative.

     But Pi just shoves him off and leaves in a cloud of anger, on his face the very hurt that Mork had planned to avoid. Instagram proves Pi’s point to a devastating degree. Pi is seen as pathetic, like he said. Pi. Loud, courageous Pi… who acts out to avoid being confronted as the timid loser everyone sees him as.

     Later that night, his washed handkerchief hanging between his fingers, it occurs to Mork that he might not be as good at reading people as he thought.

     “I’m sorry, Pi.”

[jadethest0ne]

35! Go for it! ✨

Oh right, for this ask game! I had nearly forgotten about it XD

35. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want! 

If there was one fic-related thing I’d want to ramble about it’d be specifically being a comic artist, and the different things I experienced going from the Pokemon fandom to the RotTMNT fandom as a comic artist.

I spent 5 years creating a Pokemon comic called “Liberty”, based on a nuzlocke playthrough of Pokemon Soul Silver (basically pokemon on hard-mode with permadeath involved for those of you who don’t know what a nuzlocke is). Meanwhile, it’s been just over a year since my first foray into creating comics for the Rise fandom.

The Similarities

The Disparity between Fanart and Fanfiction

Being a comic artist is odd sometimes because I basically do both fanart and fanficiton at the same time. I can understand and vibe with what a lot of both fanartists and fanfiction writers go through and deal with. This is why I feel like I can answer a lot of these fanfiction questions despite a good chunk of my story-telling being visual.

I am also aware of the disparity between fanart often getting a lot more eyes and attention than fanfiction. Deciding to write a piece of fanfiction instead of draw it out in comic format is often a calculated choice on my part, because writing prose takes more energy from me and often gets less rewards via views and interaction from readers. But despite it taking more energy, it takes less overall time for me to write something out than draw the same story, so I often factor that in when deciding which medium to create a story in.

I feel bad that a lot of fanfiction writers don’t get the attention that they deserve because of this disparity, so may I remind readers to please please PLEASE support your fanfiction creators and interact with their work! It seriously means a lot to them! Even a little message or a reblog will do! The main similarity between these two fandoms is this disparity, and I think it’d be awesome if we could get the number of interactions between fanart/fancomics and fanfiction to be more equal.

The Differences

I’m more popular as a Rise artist?

So, as I said, I spent 5 years making a Pokemon comic and 1 year creating a bunch of Rise comics. And yet I think I got more (or at least the same number of) viewers on my Rise comics in that one year than on my Pokemon comics in 5 years. I certainly got a similar number of followers, despite the differences in time. One of the main reasons for this is likely due to the social media platforms I posted on. I posted “Liberty” on deviantart and on the Pokemon Nuzlocke forums, the latter being particularly niche. As for my Rise comics and artwork, I branched out to other sites including here on Tumblr, Instagram, AO3, and Twitter (though insta got fewer comics due to the image size restrictions). The number and popularity of the sites I posted Rise artwork to are more than deviantart and that is likely a big reason. The other reasons for my increase in popularity may be for some of the other differences...

There aren’t that many comic artists in the TMNT fandom

I could probably name only a handful of consistent comic creators in, not only the Rise fandom, but in the TMNT fandom. And I mean the long-running, over-arching story type of comic creators. There aren’t that many of us. There are tons of artists and fanfic writers out there, yes, but very few that combine the two.

Meanwhile the Pokemon community has TONS. Especially the nuzlocke community. Heck, the Pokemon nuzlocke community started and was named because of a popular comic detailing the events of the creator’s nuzlocke challenge playthrough of Pokemon Emerald. You get a little bit more lost in the crowd amongst so many other comic artists in the Pokemon community, but at the same time have more people to learn from and relate to in that way.

My involvement with the Fandoms has been different

There’s been a lot of collaboration and working together among creators within each respective fandom. I feel like personally, a lot of my collabs with Rise creators has been a lot more direct and more personal than the kind of things I did in the Pokemon fandom.

For example, in the Pokemon comic fandom, it was really common to cameo each others’ characters in your comic, or include each others’ comics or characters in memes. This wasn’t always a planned thing, though we would ask each other for permission. I joined a Pokemon comic discord, but most of my interactions there and on other platforms involved brainstorming help. Not only that, but sometimes the community was a bit more competitive as well. For instance the Nuzlocke Forums would hold an “extravaganza” every year where folks voted on various categories to vote for the best nuzlocke (I won “Best Pokemon” and “Most improved” in 2018 :3 ).

Meanwhile with the Rise fandom, I did more things like art trades, collaborative art pieces, and zine work. These were a lot more direct and planned out and involved a bit more trust and interaction with other artists. I also became close friends with the folks in the discords that I joined as part of a Rise server, beyond just “fellow creator”.

As a result, I found myself doing a lot more serious artwork and even created other fics for the Rise fandom beyond just my comics, while when it came to Pokemon I stuck mainly to my “Liberty” art/comics.

More eyes, less interaction and visa versa

Again, this could be mainly a differences in what social media I’m using, but a big difference I found between readers of my work is that I got A LOT more people commenting on my Pokemon comic than on my Rise comics. I may be getting more views on my TMNT comics, but boy did I get more interaction with my Pokemon comics. I would get at least 5 people leaving these in-depth analysis or guesses of what would happen on each page for my Pokemon comic, not to mention the dozens of other reactions I would get in the comments. And despite that comic being on hiatus for a year, I still get some comments on it!

So, unless I know the commenter personally, I feel a little less involved with my readership with my Rise comics than my Pokemon one. Which is a little sad. I do appreciate you all who appreciate my work, but I feel like I appreciate you from afar and can only go “awww” at the things y’all leave in the notes or on the anonymous asks I get, instead of being able to thank you more directly.

Rise readers are a bit less patient

I get lots more people asking me “when the next page is coming” on my Rise comics and fics much more often than on my Pokemon comic. This virtually never happened with my Pokemon comic. Granted, I was way more consistent with “Liberty” and it had a set schedule, whereas my Rise comics/fanfics never have. But still.

I really DO NOT like those kinds of asks/comments. Please do not ask me when the next one is coming out. It makes me feel stressed and ashamed and pressured, which can create negative feelings around my work and make me less likely to finish them. I get that you’re excited, and that’s cool. But literally no one likes those kinds of comments.

For perspective, “Liberty”, my Pokemon comic, has been on hiatus for nearly a year and I’ve gotten maybe two comments to that effect, and they were newer readers who weren’t around at the time that I announced my hiatus and the reasons thereof. My “Liberty” readers have been so patient with me (bless them), and I feel a real loyalty to that kind of readership. I don’t know when, yet, but I really want to get back to “Liberty” someday, not just for myself or that story that I lovingly crafted, but also for them.

Pokemon was a hobby, Rise is a passion

Likely due to the fact that I have made a lot of close friends within the Rise community, and the fact that it has helped me immensely through this really tough year, I feel so much closer with the Rise creator community. Pokemon was a thing that I did for fun as a side hobby. My TMNT related comics and art have pushed me so much further in my art, gotten me involved in various projects, gotten me into creating animations, holy heck was I sucked into this fandom in such a short amount of time, and I love it so much.

I have been a fan of Pokemon since I was a kid, and I never thought I’d find a piece of media that would capture my attention and adoration as much. I think at a point when I was shifting from the Pokemon to the Rise fandom I said something along the lines of “I feel like I’m cheating on Pokemon with Rise”/j but it’s kinda true, haha!

In the end, both fandoms and the people in them mean a lot to me, and I’ve grown a lot from them as an artist and a person. I will be forever grateful to the other creators, readers, artists, writers, friends, collaborators, etc in both.

Thank you all very much!

[whatareyousearchingfordean]

Happiness Begins

Part 19

Chapter Summary: Jared needs some time to come around to the idea of his best friend and his sister, but will he be able to get over all the lies? 

Warnings: Language, angst, descriptions of anxiety, a mild physical altercation

Word Count: 2.1K+

Author’s Note: Hey guys! Happy Sunday! First, I’d like to say a huge thank you to all of you still here with me. This past semester was a difficult one for a number of reasons. Until I started writing again, I hadn’t realized how much I truly missed these two and being in this little world I created. It was a truly therapeutic experience to get back to it. Also, I already have our sequel all outlined and ready to start. xoxo Alex

Catch up with the series masterlist and check out Alexandra’s Library for more works by yours truly!

Jared was gone before she woke on Monday. Well, not technically before she woke as she didn’t actually sleep. The sound of the front door startled her before her alarm for the morning had gotten the chance to. She wasn’t surprised. Jared didn’t come out of his room the rest of the weekend. Only once for food and even then he just stockpiled what he could into his room.

This wasn’t exactly what she had expected, but again, it didn’t surprise her. After he had stormed out, she rolled out of bed and decided then to start her day. What difference did it make whether she got up now or stared at her ceiling for another half hour anyway? 

When Clif showed up with the car at his normal time, Jensen was already in the back seat. He smiled at her as she climbed in next to him, the corner of his mouth dropping when she shook her head at him. Jensen nodded his understanding.

Y/n stared out the window as the lights of the city flashed passed them, one hand on her chin as she chewed on the nail of her thumb. Jensen’s fingers wrapped around her wrist and pulled her hand to his face, kissing the back of her knuckles. She turned to face him, a weak smile on her lips.

“Take a breath.” Y/n did as she was told, breathing in deeply and holding it for a beat before letting it back out. A move she had perfected years ago when her anxiety first started to go from bad to worse.  She repeated the deep breath a few more times, allowing the action to help the stuttering in her chest slow down to a more bearable rate.

“It’s gonna be a long day.” She noted. Jensen nodded at her and linked his fingers with hers. There wasn’t much else to say between them. She had kept him up to date via text all weekend, so they were on the same page when it came to Jared. 

Friday, she had said all she could to her brother. If he couldn’t accept her apology, what else was she to do? They both knew they had messed up and the guilt that has settled in her chest was suffocating. At this point though, she wouldn’t take any of it back. Jensen was the light she hadn’t known she was missing. He was her safe place, the one person that somehow knew her better than she knew herself. There was nothing that could persuade her from giving that up. Maybe it was selfish, but after everything she figured it was her turn to be a little selfish. If Jared had been there to peer over their shoulders, who’s to say they would have been able to truly find each other. No, that was a risk she couldn’t take. 

They spent the rest of the ride in silence, neither knowing what would greet them when they reached set. With the tension in all of their relationships sure to be noticeable by everyone else, it was best that her and Jensen kept up their facade. The last thing either of them wanted was all their dirty laundry out for everyone to see, something they had come to an agreement on during their many conversations over the weekend. 

Jensen led her towards the makeup trailer as she trailed behind a step. Crew greeted them on their way like usual, a ‘good morning’ here and a nod of a head there. Y/n noted as they walked past the trailers that Jared’s was dark. This didn’t mean much as the set was a large space, and he could still be anywhere. She knew what time he left the apartment, but she couldn’t be sure when he actually arrived on the set, if he had yet done so at all.

Jensen stepped up and pulled open the door to the makeup trailer, allowing her to enter first. She was greeted by a warm smile from Trish as she peeked over Jared’s head. Jared’s body stiffened as he caught his sister's eye in the mirror. Neither of them said a thing, allowing a heaviness to blanket the inside of the trailer. Neither looked away from each other either, their looks of longing and sadness literally mirroring each other’s. They stayed that way for what felt like minutes when in reality it was less than thirty seconds. Just enough time for Jensen to enter behind her, his visage in the mirror stealing Jared’s attention. 

“Morning.” Trish broke the silence in the trailer as the door shut behind Jensen, who muttered a noncommittal response along with Y/n. Trish’s brow furrowed slightly, now picking up on the energy in the room, though she chose not to say anything. 

“It seems like the sun might actually be on our side today.” Y/n noted, trying to break the tension and pull Trish’s focus. They had an outside shoot, and originally the forecast had called for rain, switching at the last minute to partly cloudy. 

“As long as Jared here doesn’t sweat off all my hard work.” Trish teased as she leaned back to inspect her work. Jared’s clipped voice cut through the light conversation.

“Am I done?” Trish nodded, a soft ‘of course’ leaving her mouth. The poor woman had no idea what to make of the sudden mood shift in Jared. He jumped up from his chair and exited the trailer, the door slamming behind him. Y/n flinched at the noise and shared a quick, tense look with Jensen before Trish rounded on them, the furrow in her brow insisting on some answers.

“What’s up with him?” 

“I’m not exactly sure.” Y/n lied, the words tumbling out of her mouth like vomit. “I haven’t spoken to him at all today.” That part wasn't a lie, though she didn’t feel any better about it. The purse in Trish’s lips had Y/n’s heart rate picking up for a moment as she tried to assess if the woman believed her. Trish hummed under her breath, content for now not to ask anymore questions. She collected her things in silence, bidding Jensen and Y/n a goodbye in no time. Y/n let out the breath she hadn’t realised she was holding. 

“I can’t do this.” She hung her head as the tears returned. Never before did she think she could cry this much, and she already admits to being a crier. She had been so sure that her tear ducts would have run dry from how much they were being used. A sob shook her chest as she just let go in the presence of just Jensen.

“Hey, come here.” Jensen’s hands found her waist and pulled her to sit in his lap, her legs laying across his own. “Please, don’t cry. Jared just needs more time.” His thumbs wiped the streams flowing down her cheeks away, the action in vain as the salty liquid just kept coming. 

“I know, but I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this. I’ve never seen my brother like this and I just feel so damn guilty.” 

“I get it, I do. But honey, you’ve said your peace. What else can you do?” Jensen placed a soft kiss to her forehead. Her breathing was beginning to even out as she got control of her emotions, allowing the proximity of Jensen to ease her mind. At least, she knew that she was not alone in all of this. There was one person that could understand this feeling in her gut. A soft hiccup fell from her lips before she spoke again. 

“Beg for his forgiveness.” She suggested.

“If that’s really what you want to do, I’m here for you.” Jensen promised her, his eyes intent on hers as he made his promise known. A hint of a smirk appeared at the corner of his lips, offering her a view of her favorite dimple. He understood the hyperbole in her statement, something that she could never repay him for. Even still, she wasn’t completely opposed to the idea. It was just something to add to her list of the ways he had changed her life and view on the world.

****

The rest of their day consisted of much of the same. Jared was absent when he absolutely was not needed on the set. Though both of them still delivered Sam and Dean like they have been for the past fifteen years. Not that she doubted either of them. They were still professionals after all. The one big difference became their demeanor in between takes. 

Y/n could tell people were clearly suspicious of both of the men’s activity, it was written all over their faces. Though, not one of them chose to comment, much like their dear Trish. She wasn’t sure it would last. Someone was bound to open their mouth sooner or later. She was just surprised it came almost a week and a half later. 

Things had not gotten better in any sense of the word. Jared hadn’t said anything to either of them since the incident. Only interacting with Jensen when the script dictated so. It was the director who opened his mouth after the two men were struggling to connect for the first time in fifteen years. 

“Okay, what is up with you two?” The man came out from behind the camera, his ball cap low on his head as he yelled cut. He hadn’t been getting the performance out of the boys for the dramatic brother scene they were filming today, and he knew something was up. 

“Nothing.” Jared’s nostrils flared as he spoke, one of his little indicators that Y/n had picked up on growing up. He was annoyed and trying desperately to hide it. 

“Bullshit. You guys haven’t so much as said two words to each other this whole episode.” 

“It’s just stress. We are coming up on the end here and I think we are all getting a little emotional.” Jensen stepped up to offer an explanation. 

“I’ve known you both for years. I’ve seen you go through all sorts of things, and never before have I seen this coldness between the two of you.” 

“It’s nothing. I’m sorry. We will get it right.” Jensen promised. Though he didn’t seem convinced, the director left the two standing on stage and returned to his seat behind the camera. 

“I’m so sick of you.” Jared’s voice was soft, but Jensen heard it. 

“Excuse me?” He rounded on Jared.

“You heard me. You always think you know best. Nice cover story for Bill, didn’t want to tell him the real reason why I can’t even look at you?” Jared hissed. Jensen had no idea where this was coming from. Sure, he knew Jared was pissed, but he had never seen him act out like this. It was scaring him to be completely honest.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think you would want our business spreading around the set. You know how gossip can travel, especially when it involves the leads.” Jensen shot back. Trish nudged Y/n’s shoulder when she noticed the heated exchange between the actors. Y/n whipped around to where she had indicated. From her spot, she couldn’t hear exactly what was happening, but it was a safe bet that it had to do with her.  

“I’m not the one that has anything to be ashamed about. I’m the victim here.” Jared shoved Jensen. The force wasn’t anything that the man could’ve done at his full strength, but it was enough for Jensen to stumble backwards on his feet. Jensen made no move to react, instead simply accepting the punishment that Jared was dealing out for him. 

It was what happened next that was a blur. Jensen’s lack of a reaction seemed to only piss Jared off more, and he moved to push Jensen harder this time. Jensen dodged the movement, ready this time, only for a swarm of crew members to step between them before things could escalate even further.

Y/n couldn’t focus on anything but the sound of her heart thrumming in her ears as the tears threatened to fall once again. The sounds of grumbled shouts from the director for everyone to take a thirty minute break sounded like she was underwater. Jared was pushed back from the set by someone with their hand against his shoulder. Jensen walked off on his own in the opposite direction. 

What did it feel like to be kicked in the gut? Right now she was sure the feeling in her abdomen was a close approximation. The two men she loved most in this world were at odds because of her. Panic, guilt and fear all swirled into one nauseating sensation. She just wanted the world to stop, if only for a few hours, so she could get her shit together. So she could figure out a way to fix all of this. She had to fix this.

Part 20

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