#{{because her memories have been erased and altered so that}}

[bookwyrminspiration]

reading gideon the ninth:

reading harrow the ninth:

[chaosroid]

I really don't hear enough people talk about the fact that Shadowheart was not only brainwashed as a child, but had her memories repeatedly wiped. This isn't just your run of the mill reeducation. Like we're talking about having your brain literally tampered with by magic on a metaphysical level which is so incredibly violating and just on a completely different level than the typical indoctrination you see an average cultist goes through.

Your memories and lived experience is fundamentally responsible for shaping the kind of person you are. We see how important memories are with Durge because once they lost their memories, they were no longer the same person and became someone entirely new. Shadowheart was frequently subjected to memory wipes since she was kidnapped as a child, forced to adopt Sharran dogma, and every time she started remembering things about her past or strayed from their teachings, they'd take her memories away again. Imagine the only memories you're allowed to keep are the ones your abusers let you, as they continue to alter your perception of reality in order for you to stay obedient to their control. This is gaslighting on a level we have literally never seen before irl.

It's no wonder Shadowheart says the things she says, and yet, somehow, against the strict doctrines and manipulation that's been hammered into her for decades, she always ends up reverting back to her true self. From Viconia's journal:

No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't erase the good in her. It's honestly impressive Shadowheart is able to fight the brainwashing to this extent. And when she's left alone for once with people who are patient with her and make her feel safe, when she's given enough time to find herself again without being reset back to square one every time she gained an inch? She thrives.

[horsechestnut]

I just think it's really neat how much fans have latched onto the fact that Stephanie Brown was Robin.

Like, both in and out of universe Stephanie was never meant to be taken seriously as Robin. The writers only made her Robin so that her death in War Games would be shocking and Bruce only made her Robin because he thought it would make Tim jealous enough to come back. She only had the mantle for 71 days before being fired (for doing something that literally every other Robin has also done and not been fired over), and she was only active during 50 of them. There are only six issues where Steph is Robin in the canon timeline.

Her final words before her death are asking Batman (Batman, because even on her death bed he doesn't trust her enough to take off his mask) if any of it was real. Was she really Robin? And Batman assures her that of course she was, that she was part of the legend and no one can take it away from her. Except it's a lie, because despite his reassurances, Batman never puts up a memorial or does anything to preserve her memory. He never really thinks of her as Robin, and even her friends will always think of her as Spoiler before ever remembering Robin.

Meanwhile DC spent years ignoring her time as Robin, to the point where it was completely erased from existence for awhile. It's technically back now, because timelines are weird, but unlike the others it's never been altered. She's never been given a second chance at it, no one's ever gone back and added more issues or details about those 71 days, or even seems to want to acknowledge them most of the time.

But fans have clung on to it anyway. Sure, there are lots of people who make Robin posts that are just about the boys, but there are just as many people who are ready to fight anyone who doesn't include her. Maybe it was only for a little while, but she was Robin, and we're sure as hell not going to forget it. If DC isn't going to bother to remember, than we will.

Stephanie Brown was Robin. She was part of the legend. It was real. No matter what, no one can take that away from her.

[littlemissmentallyunstable]

there’s been lots of requests and comments so here it is PART 3!!! (SHE’S HERE first anon, hope you survived this long second anon and it was not a dream third anon, I’m posting/making it now fourth and fifth anon)

some of you were going feral for part 2 so I hope this lives up the expectation 😭😭 if not I’m severely sorry

title: the dancer and the angel part 3

pairing: grayson hawthorne x reader

synopsis: grayson has just admitted to kissing lyra kane, the girl you’d been worried about, the girl that was stunning, the girl he said didn’t matter… he chose her over you so now what??

parts: part 1 part 2

warnings: swearing, SPOILERS FOR TGG

a/n: okay so I hate switching POVs but I felt it was necessary here and I know the start is the same as the part 2 but in Gray’s POV but trust me there is lot more

tag list: @tornqdowarnings @whatsamongus @wish-i-were-heather @inmyheaddd @never-enough-novels @sweetlikeanangel @midiosaamor @sweetreveriee @emelia07 @f4iry-bell @zaraaaabear @thoughtdaughter3 @benny1989fredd @elysianwayy77 @maybxlle @sheisntyou @anintellectualintellectual @aleatorio1234 @adalia-jaycee @off-to-the-r4ces @lyra-kane @reminiscentreader @lyrakanefanatic @imaseabear @elizaa31

GRAYSON’S POV

Guilt has chewed me up and spat me out the whole walk back to our shared room. There’s a pulsating lump in my throat that aches relentlessly, reminding me of what I’ve done. I am a terrible person. I never deserved her and now I’ve done the worst thing I could’ve possibly done, that anyone on this whole planet could’ve ever done. And she will never forgive me for it. I wish there was a way to turn back time and alter certain events. As soon as the time machine is invented, no doubt by my very own brother Xander, I’m coming back to moments before now to stop my idiot brain from-

I can’t even think it. Maybe it’s because it makes it more real. It’s like the last few moments of my life have been erased from my brain, it’s a blank canvas and I have no paints. I know what I did but I can’t remember exact details. Still, I can taste her on my lips, an over sweet taste that was almost too sickly has now morphed into something bitter. Her perfume lingers on my clothes and adds to my ever growing headache. I don’t want to smell her, I don’t want the reminder of the awful human I have become. The monster that now inhabits my body, lives in my skin, breathes my air and poisons the people I love. The ones I truly love.

Y/n. At one point she was the only reason I was still existing, still carrying on. She somehow managed to give me the fight to keep carrying on. I got up most days because I knew I would get to see her face. And now I’m going to throw everything away, our whole relationship. Everything we’ve been through or planned to go through together. It will reduced to nothing in a few minutes.

I’m outside the door, my feet have carried me here through muscle memory. I must go in, I must face her I’m aware but I’m afraid. I’ve never felt so pathetic. I wonder if she is still asleep. Though, I can’t work out whether I’d rather she be awake or asleep. I don’t think I could bear to look at her angelic feature either way. Those wide eyes, round lips, heavenly- I can’t bear it, I’m going to lose her, all of her.

I fiddle around with the key, hoping the door will just never unlock so I don’t have to face this. The mechanism clicks, mocking me. I step in silently and face the door to lock back up again. I don’t understand why, I know I’ll be kicked out in a matter of seconds, what good will a locked door be? And yet I’m still facing the door, fumbling with the key, my back towards her. Though I can hear her getting out of bed. She’s awake. My body’s immediate response is to go into a state of paralysis. I can’t move as the guilt ridden cement hardens over my body, creating an outer shell of the cruel creature I’ve become. Her body is behind mine. I can feel her bright presence radiating her usual tentative nature.

“Are you okay?” I hear her whisper as she touches my arm so gently it stings.

It stings so sharply because I know what I’ve done. The shameful crime I’ve committed. I jerk away suddenly.

“Are you hurt?” she asks, deep concern in her tone.

It kills me. It’s a poisoned dagger wedged deep within my heart, hitting every vital artery. Her voice is so soft, so melodic. She cares so much, too much and I’m about to destroy it all. And as much as I could not say a word I couldn’t live a lie, the guilt would eat me alive. How could I look her in the eye and tell her she’d always been the only one when I know she hadn’t? She’d already noticed earlier today my distant mood. She had always been observant, vigilant about those things concerning me and I’d always been grateful. I wouldn’t have that anymore. Lyra had been on my mind earlier and I couldn’t tell her. Now she would realise.

“No,” I reply.

My voice is unfamiliar to myself, it’s sharp and blunt. It sounds horribly harsh. I could feel it hurt her, the air ripples with a touch of dimness when I hurt her. Even with my back to her it’s obvious to me. I know her so well, too well and from this day on we might drift to perfect strangers. That thought hurts me more than anything.

“Where have you been?” she says. Her voice so sweet, so innocent, cruelly naïve.

I don’t want to break her, I don’t want to do it. It would be like smashing a glass ballerina. Something so beautiful, something so delicate should be preserved not purposely broken. I force my eyes to meet hers. I immediately regret it. The soft mellow colour all melts into one, clawing at my heartstrings and ripping the organ to shreds. She’s so beautiful. How had I ever looked at any other? How had I let myself?

Suddenly I’m drowning in guilt. I don’t know how, it just comes over me suddenly. Like a tidal wave I had my back to. I’ve been swept under by an endless ocean of shame. My lungs swollen full of my own black sin. I don’t know how but I manage to choke out two shaky words.

“I’m sorry.”

My voice cracks. My voice never cracks. She knows that. I’m sturdy, I’m strong, I’m the rock that never breaks and here I am. Here I am crumbling into dust. She’s too smart to miss the signs, she’s too clever not to immediately know something so horribly wrong, her mind is too sharp not to have worked half of it out. She’d already been suspicious of Lyra. She’d already seen what might happen between us even before I did, before it did actually happen.

“Gray?” she asks, my name sounding too sweet on her tongue. The next time she says it will taste bitter, I’m sure of it. She barely whispers the word but I hear her, it rings in my mind. It forever will.

I’m full of pure regret and guilt, it wracks my soul, shaking me relentlessly back and forth until I’m dizzy with it. Remorse’s doors suddenly burst wide open, ready for my grand entrance. My hopes and dreams snicker and smirk smugly as I walk down the runway, my head hanging in embarrassment.

I need to tell her. My heart races in my chest and there’s a lump stuck in my throat, so large it’s started to block my airways. I don’t know how to get the words out, I don’t know how to talk. I feel like I’m suffering some sort of aneurysm. She looks at me, her eyebrows pinched in and eyes narrowed and then I see it. Her eyebrows part and slowly sink. She knows already.

“Tell me,” she murmurs, her voice of an angel shaking.

I close my eyes, trying to suppress the tears. I haven’t cried in years I’ve forgotten this feeling, this heavy weighted agony that ripples through me causing water to infiltrate my eyes. I bite the inside of my cheek and still my shaking hands.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her, an uninvited raw desperation ripping through my voice, “I never wanted to hurt you, I never meant for it to happen, I-“

“Tell me,” she grits through her teeth sharply, her eyes glitter so beautifully fierce and fiery, like she wants to kill.

But I know she’s trying to steady her rising sadness by covering up with her fury. I can see through her, like she can see through me. I freeze and the pause elongates. The aching silence is deadly, it’s fatal. I wish she didn’t have to make me say it.

“I kissed her,” I murmur, the words making me feel sick as I say them.

“Who?” she asks, he tone low and ferocious, “who did you kiss? I want to hear you say it.”

I’m twisting a knife into her heart and I know it. But she wants me to cut deeper. She’s a woman of principle, I’ve already hurt her, I might as well do the job properly in her eyes. And I can’t deny her this. Not I’ve stripped her of her dignity, her trust, her love, her everything.

“I kissed Lyra,” I whisper, suddenly aware of the dampness on my cheeks.

A sour taste fills my mouth. The words send lightning sparks across my jaw, sending ribbons of agony down the sides of my face. The truth hurts. Literally. Tears are rolling the side of my face, but I don’t bring my hand to wipe them and nor do I stop them. I’ve never felt more broken.

But she doesn’t care, there is not pity in her eyes. Good. I don’t want he to pity me. She should hate me. She should want me to miserable and hope for me to have a lifetime of the torture I’ve just forced her to endure.

“Get out,” she murmurs, the anger bringing out her natural stunning features. A flicker of boldness in her eyes, the striking angles of her eyebrows, her strong thick lashes and her full lips.

“I’m sorry.” they’re the only words I remember how to say, through my internal fit of torment.

I expect her to hit me around the face, a good strong punch I know she can make or a sharp smack that’ll leave a red hand mark pressed against my cheek. I imagine she might scream at me and ask me all the questions I wish I had answers to. But she does none of that. She only looks at me darkly and utters two last words.

“Leave Grayson.”

I can hear the tears she’s trying to hold back, through the numb façade. I know her better than she’ll ever realise. But it’s not fair for me to stay, not after this. She’s only asking one thing of me when she should be doing so much more. So I do. I turn my back on her again. And I leave.

***

Tears pummel down my cheeks like never before. I can’t remember the last time I cried. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like this. I’m blinded by them as I stumble sideways. I don’t know where I’m going. I stand on the edge of the cliff and sink to my knees, letting out a loud guttural scream. I’m there until my throat is so raw I can’t feel it. I bite my lip so hard it draws blood. And then I’m up again and running, following a path my footsteps are dragging me towards. I can’t think straight, I’m dizzy with pain. Before I know it I’m outside the safe house on the island. My hands tremor on the handle and I swing open the door, falling to the floor for my sobs to take me over. My chest aches and burns and tightens. That’s when I realise I can’t breathe properly. I fumble around for my phone, a tear splashing into the illuminated screen. With uncontrollably shaking hands, I typed no words. Just three numbers.

911

***

The wait feels like years, maybe even decades. Each second taunts me, with a mocking tick. I’d crumbled into the corner of the room at some point and stayed there, curled up and choking on my own sorry sobs. What had I done? What had I done? What had I done?

The question circles around my head like the nostalgia of a distorted tune of a merry go round. I’ve never made such a big mistake and my life and deep down there’s a sinking sensation that is telling me I’m not going to be able to make this better. I sob, loud harsh sobs that hurt my lungs and knock the air out of my stomach. My whole being shakes with every strangled noise that escapes my lips. Grieving. I’m grieving over something I chose to throw away. It’s cruelly ironic. But I think part of me is also grieving the good man I once thought myself to be, that she made me believe I could be.

I turned my back on the one and only person in this world who just cared about me, took me for who I am and believed I could do anything. She only wanted the best, she only wanted happiness and she deserved so much more and here I am, stabbing her in the back and dancing in her blood like a madman. She was my everything and I managed to mess it up, just like everything else in my life. I can’t have normal relationships, I can’t do something without messing it up. I’m one big screw up the opposite of how the old man raised me to be. He’s looking down on me now and I can feel his disappointment, like an infection coursing through my bloodstream. I failed him, I failed my brothers, I’ve failed her, I’ve failed myself.

She thought I was better, she believed I could be more than his expectation. And I was stupid enough to believe it, encourage it and let her belive the lie too. We’re all idiots.

I can recite her favourite song, her favourite flower, her favourite food and favourite colour. I can tell you all about her favourite novels and how she orders her books on an endless bookshelf. I know that she tells people her favourite film is ‘it’s a wonderful life’ but it’s actually secretly ‘tangled’. I know she prefers to stay inside and cuddle under blankets rather than have a night out. I know she’d rather reason a thousand books than watch a thousand movies. I know she wanted a library in her dream house and two, maybe three children with her husband and I know she’d sometimes debate about getting a cat as well. I know how she loves brownie batter more than the actual brownies and can’t sleep with any lights on. I know she still uses the bunny rhyme to tie her shoelaces and how she fiddles with her collarbone when she’s nervous. I know exactly what diamond she wanted in her engagement ring and her favourite country. I know what people she despises and I know what people she adores. I know every inch of her face, every hair on her head, every sparkle in her eyes and every cell on her skin.

I know her.

I know her, but that can’t help me now. Pain ripples across the left side of my chest and my hand clamps over it as I grit my teeth to try and bear it. I hear the door creek open and can’t tell whether it comforts me or not.

“Grayson pookie!” Xander calls out, “we’re here.”

His cheerful voice doesn’t provide me with the cushion to this pain I thought it might.

“And we have some in incredibly strong whisky,” Jameson adds, I can here the mischievous grin in his voice, it’s been the same all of his life.

“My nose hairs are officially burnt off,” Xander agrees.

I can’t speak. I try to call out for them but the words die in my swollen throat.

“Where are you Gray?” Nash calls out, he sounds a little more worried than the other two but is concealing it well.

“Here,” my voice is hoarse and laboured, even I can’t recognise it.

The mood immediately shifts, you can feel it. The air becomes tainted with concern as their footsteps approach my cowering figure. The case of whiskey is dropped as there is an audible thunk as it hits the floor. I can feel their bodies enveloping around mine creating something of a circle of safety. I look up to worried face and shiny eyes.

“Help me,” I gasp for air, greedily trying to gulp down the oxygen that I feel so deprived of, “please.”

“We’re here to help you Gray,” Nash murmurs softly. His voice had always been something comforting, especially when I was younger. I wonder if he will be so kind when I tell him what I’ve done. He’s going to hate me, there’s nothing he despises more than a man who can’t respect a woman.

I shake my head and choke out another struggling sob, instead of the words I don’t know how to say. Jameson’s eyes flit between mine and Nash’s, the concern rippling across his features. He’s never looked this concerned for me in his life. I think to all the times as children I’d helped him settle after a nightmare and wiped his tears that he hated falling when the old man had humiliated him. Oh how the tables had turned. Now it was my little brother wiping my tears.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, his touch so gentle it shocks me.

“I can’t-“ I barely get out, wrapping my hands around my neck.

“Gray…” he trails off, unmasked emotion hitting his face like a train.

“I can’t breathe,” I wheeze as the invisible blanket that was set out to suffocate me tightens over my nose and mouth.

“Hey, Gray, look at me,” Nash says, his voice smooth and reassuring, “in and out okay, in and out.”

“I can’t,” I pant, my limbs shaking embarrassingly uncontrollably.

Xander takes both of my hands into his and squeezes them until they still, “yes you can, follow Nash’s instructions okay?”

“Slowly, do it with me,” Nash nods, “in through your nose and out through your mouth.”

I do. In and out, a rhythmic pattern. Each time Nash reminds me how to breathe. There’s an aura of calmness about his voice that lulls my panic into a narcoleptic sleep. Once my breathing is halfway regulated I look at him, dead in the eye, with shaking sorrowful lips.

“I fucked up,” I sob, “I fucked up and I don’t know what to do.”

They all share a look, this is the worst state they’ve seen me and we all know it. I begin to pathetically sob uncontrollably once again, the feelings building up in my chest and tearing me apart from the inside out. It’s like a rabid pack of wolves had been set loose to feed on my internal organs. I don’t know how to stop the ocean of tears, I don’t know how to shut my mind off, I don’t know how to help myself. Reel myself in from this abominable mess I’ve become. I’m hyperventilating, my chest throbbing up and down unevenly. Nash nods towards Jameson, a short, soft, sharp nod of approval.

“Hey! Calm down!” Jameson snaps, giving me a hard slap around the face, “snap out of this!”

The shock shuts me up and the sting stops my tears. I’m back to reality instead of a wallowing mess. Nash must’ve been approving the slap I realise in the sudden cleared head I’d obtained

“Sorry,” Jameson mumbles at me, looking a little guilty.

I massage my jaw, “no I think I needed that.”

He grimaces and then softens his tone, “what happened Gray?”

I tense, growing very still, “I can’t say it out loud, I can’t, I’m awful, I’m horrible-“

“What happened?” Nash drawls.

I choke out yet another unnatural sound. Seems the slap didn’t snap me hard enough into reality. I exhale slowly. I have to say it, now or never.

“I kissed Lyra.”

The words hurt even more this time, that they did when I’d admitted it to y/n. Neither one of my brothers can mask their honest reaction.

“Oh fuck,” Jameson blurts out, “you cheated?”

Anger. He’s fuming with me. I can see the rage trailing through his eyes and blossoming into his expression.

“I didn’t mean to,” I reply, feeling like a small child.

Jameson’s eyes widen and fury flashes across his face, “how can you not mean-“

Nash shoots him a look and his mouth glues shut. Then he turns to me and I can’t quite read him yet. I gulp.

“No one does that kind of thing for no reason,” he says sternly, “I never thought you’d be the one of the four of us to ever do that, seems I was mistaken little brother.”

Disappointment. He’s disappointed. A horrible sinking feeling settles in my stomach. Nash is disappointed in me. It’s one of the worst feelings imaginable. There had only been few times in my life when he had been and I remember the feeling all too well. Shame has me in a chokehold an it’s succeeding in strangling me. I can‘t bring myself to meet his eyes, I don’t want to see that look I can feel is on his face, that look of pure disapproval.

“How did she find out?” Xander asks quietly.

Shock. He hadn’t said anything until now, but his lips had been slightly parted and he’d paled a little. He never thought I’d do this to anyone, he’s yet another person I’ve let down.

“I told her,” I murmur, “the guilt was consuming me.”

“As it should,” Jameson snaps, twitching with a fiery ferocity.

“Jamie,” Nash says, trying to keep some kind of diplomacy.

“No,” he growls, “you don’t do that to a girl, your girl, you can’t do that!”

“Don’t take the moral highground now,” I spit.

“When you’ve cheated on your girlfirend? Yeah I think I will,” he replies, the bitterness rolling off of his tongue like a deadly poison. He doesn’t know I’ve already poisoned myself with my own actions, his words can’t hurt me.

“I didn’t mean to,” I falter.

“Bullshit,” he grits through his teeth, in two definitive and threatening symbols.

“Careful Jamie,” Nash warns.

“All this is your fault anyway,” I continue, ignoring the warning.

“So it’s my fault, you kissed another girl, yeah, okay Gray,” he nods his head with a sarcastic smile.

“It is!” I exclaim, throwing my hands in the air, “if you hadn’t locked me in a room with her-“

“So it’s my fault you couldn’t keep up dick under control,” he quips, interrupting me.

“You could’ve locked me with my one of my sisters but of course you just had choose the only girl who isn’t related to me,” I seethe.

“Odette isnt related to you,” Xander pipes up. I’d forgotten he was there, that anyone besides me and Jameson were there.

“Odette is old enough to be my grandmother,” I scowl at him, immediately feeling bad as the words leave my lips, but don’t dwell on it as I turn back to Jameson, “why did you make me a player in your sick excuse of a game?”

“You can’t use the game as an excuse,” he laughs darkly.

“I will,” I reply sharply, “this is your fault and Avery’s fault too.”

“Avery? Don’t make me laugh,” he rolls his eyes.

“The game never should’ve been created by her,” I yell, “that’s why I’m in this mess!”

“No, you’re in this mess because of you,” he shouts back, “but don’t you dare bring Avery in to this it’s not her fault.”

I feel like I’m one of those circus acts, the ones that lay on a spinning board and get knives hurled at them. Only in my case the knives are the truth and they actually hit me.

“Why did you make me a player?” I ask quieter now, my voice hoarse, “why?”

“I didn’t know making you a player would result in this,” he says.

“It was so irreverent,” I snap becoming angrier by the second, a sudden burst of red overriding any rational sense in my head, “I never needed to play.”

“You can’t pin this on me Gray, if it didn’t happen with Lyra, who knows who else it would’ve happened with,” he hisses.

“So you think I’m just like this? You think this is me?” I ask him, prodding the hollow space where my heart used to be.

“I didn’t before….” he trails off, sighing, “but now I don’t know what the fucking think of you.”

“Jamie,” Nash repeats again, in the same warning tone as before. We both ignore him.

“Just because you and Avery are all peaches and roses-“

“Leave Avery out of your anger issues,” he roars defensively.

“No,” I counter, raising an eyebrow, mirroring his usual argument demeanour, “you think you’re so perfect now you’ve got your dream girl and the two of you are so much better off than the rest of us, because your love is undeniable or whatever bullshit people feed you about it-“

Jameson’s features twitch for a split second. He’s hurt, but won’t show it. He’ll refuse but I know that it hit a nerve that won’t heal for a long time. I stop mid-sentence.

“I am far from perfect, I think we both know that,” he says, in a low voice, “look you’re hurting, I get it, but I’m not going to mollycoddle you and tell you it’s okay when it’s not. I’m not going to stand here and lie to your face because as your brother that would be the worst possible thing for me to do to you.”

“My brother would try and understand what it’s like from my side,” I say, desperation clawing at my voice.

“You’re looking for a fight Grayson and it’s not going to end well, not with me,” he warns, shaking his head.

“Maybe I do want a fight, but you know you do too,” I growl rolling up my sleeves, “so fine, I’ll give you a fight Jamie.”

“I don’t want a fight, I want some justice for y/n,” he states simply, “she did nothing to deserve that Gray, she’s been so good to you, the sweetest soul on this earth and she’s helped you through a lot of shit and this is how you’re repaying her?”

“Jameson,” Nash says.

He ignores him for the third time and I can see his calm facade beginning to drop, “you think because you called a 911 and you’re here crying that I should feel sorry for you?”

“I thought you were going to be here for me,” I reply numbly, my tone dead, “clearly I’m mistaken.”

“I can’t be there for someone with no morals,” he replies, “you cheated and you’re the one who’s upset about it, how do you think she feels?”

“You think I don’t know her?” I fire back, my throat burning, “you think I don’t know exactly what she’s doing right now? I hate myself, I hate myself for doing what I did!”

“Good you should!” he screams back.

Before I know it I feel myself charges towards him, ready to throw a good punch but Nash and Xander launch onto me to quickly and managing to hold me back. Nash’s grip is so tight I don’t dare try and budge.

“Out. Now.” Nash says sharply to Jameson, “go and cool off.”

His tone sends a shiver down my spine that I won’t admit to. Jameson opens his mouth to argue.

“Jameson.”

He skulks away, with a sullen face. We all wait frozen until the door has been slammed shut. Nash lets my arm go, dropping it harshly and Xander follows suit.

“And you’re no better,” he turns to me, placing his cowboy hat on a nearby surface, “I’m only sending him away because you can’t be left alone in this mess and so the two of you don’t rip each other to pieces.”

Silence stills the room. His voice echoes but makes no sound all at the same time.

“Take a second, take a breath and we’re going to talk this through like adults,” he says, “if you want to carry on being a child then leave. Calm down, you’re not a toddler having a tantrum, you’re a grown man, act like it.”

Nash has a way of snapping me back to reality. I nod shakily.

“Talk.”

I begin, “I don’t even know why I kissed her, I didn’t mean to it just-“

“Happened?” he guesses, “no little brother, that doesn’t just happen.”

“The I don’t know Nash,” I say, tipping my head back and resting it on the wall behind me.

I hadn’t meant for it to happen. I didn’t want it to happen. It just did. She was there, just stood there. Her hands looped naturally around the back of my neck, warm and gentle, “someone sent me that ticket Grayson. I thought it was Avery but if it wasn’t…”

She trails off, her voice small and tentative. Her golden eyes filled with the utmost worry. I wanted her to know she’d be okay, that she’d have someone to keep her safe. Her arms get more comfortable around my neck. She’d felt it too, the electrifying spark between us. It was exhilarating but something about it was off, synthetic.

“Then who the hell was it?” I questioned, my hands magnetised to her cheek all of a sudden.

Lyra didn’t pull away and neither did I. I lower my head and she raised onto her toes and titled hers back a little. She was graceful, like a dancer. My lips brushed over hers. They were sweet like honey. For the first few moments it was bliss and the realisation hit, like a stone to my stomach. I jerked backwards suddenly, shaking my head.

“I can’t do this,” I said, my fingers trying to wipe her taste off of my lips, “I don’t- this isn’t-“

I was tongue-tied, not able to explain to her how wrong it was. The words wouldn’t work the way I wanted them to.

“Gray?” Lyra murmurs, a tender voice. Her amber eyes are widened and slightly confused.

“No,” I yell. She flinches and another wave of horribly strong emotion rushes over me, drowning me. “No I’m in love with someone else. I don’t know what that was. I can’t-“

I stumbled backward a few steps and the turned around and ran. Like the coward that I am.

“It did just happen,” I murmur, lifting my head from the wall to look my older brother in eye, “I swear to god, I didn’t intend for it to happen, I didn’t even know I had feelings for her.”

I can see he disagrees still and isn’t convinced. I don’t know how to prove it to him.

“Let’s establish one thing here, who do you like?” Xander asks me.

“I like Lyra,” I say slowly, “but I love y/n.”

Nash shakes his head, “if you loved her you wouldn’t have done that.”

“I made a mistake,” I press on.

“And you will pay for it and regret it for the rest of your life,” he shrugs, “it’s not what you wanted to hear but it’s the truth. Listen, I love Libby and loving someone means so many things. One of those things is that I don’t even look at other women, to me they don’t even really exist. Libby is my world and no one else even comes into the equation, so the fact is someone else came into the equation for you, meaning the love wasn’t there.”

“But it was, I felt it,” I say, my voice breaking as I press my chest.

“What do you feel for Lyra?” he asks plainly.

“I don’t know, she’s intriguing and smart and beautiful,” I murmur, “and I like her, but I don’t know if I have romantic feelings for her.”

“Then why did you kiss her?”

“Comfort? Lust? Greed? Selfishness? I don’t know it just happened,” I repeat for what feels like the hundredth time.

“Stop using that phrase as a get out clause,” Nash shakes his head, “you have to admit to yourself more than anyone that this didn’t just happen.”

“I leaned in and I put my lips of hers, and I didn’t stop it, it didn’t feel wrong straight away,” I admit out loud finally.

“It didn’t?” Xander says, looking wounded.

“No, it didn’t feel wrong until I realised what I’d done,” I say, looking down, suddenly finding my shoelaces to be the most interesting thing in the world.

No one replies for a long while. That’s when I realise how exhausted I truly am and how much I crave sleep.

“I vouched for you,” Xander says quietly, “I told her that you’d never do that, that you weren’t that guy.”

“I’m not,” I say, in denial at first. I take a moment to analyse his sentence and then come to a sickening realisation, “oh my god I am…”

“She was already anxious about where your loyalties were Gray,” he winces.

“I proved her right, I proved every worry she had right, I just proved to her that she shouldn’t have trusted me,” I spiral, hating that I hadn’t seen it sooner.

Xander looks to Nash for support for a reply.

“Yeah,” Nash sighs, “you did.”

“I need to fix this, there has to be a way-“

“Grayson,” the acuteness of his voice cuts through my sentence like a machete.

I freeze and clamp my mouth firmly shut.

“This isn’t a broken vase, you can’t glue it back together or buy a new one,” he tells me softly.

He was referring to a time where Jameson and I had been seven and eights years old. We’d been brawling of course, Hawthorne style and accidentally smashed a vase. Usually it wouldn’t matter, there were vases all over Hawthorne House and they were smashed frequently. But this wasn’t just any vase. It was nan’s priceless vase that had belonged to her daughter, our grandmother, Alice. We were never allowed within a five mile radius of it, but like the rebellious children we were, we didn’t listen. Through our fight we’d smashed the whole thing, it was truly destroyed. The two of us stayed up for nights on need gluing together the pieces only to realise it was never going to look like the original again. So we’d hunted to buy another, problem was, this vase was one of a kind. It turned out after four weeks or trying to ship a similar one in that nan had known the whole time. She didn’t speak to either of us for a good few months.

“This is real life, she is a real person and you hurt her,” he explains, “fixing this isn’t an option. There isn’t a way to fix it, there are no pieces to our back together, okay?”

I’m silent but it’s the loudest voice in the room. My face pinches together in agony. For the first time, a little of the disappointment fades and my brother’s face softens. He wraps a strong arm around me and I flop into him like a lifeless bag of nothingness. I bury my head into his shoulder and try to cry but there seems to be no tears left. He understands and holds me for a moment. Suddenly I’m six years old again and crying in Nash’s in my arms over Jameson hiding my favourite teddy bear at the time, then I’m eleven in his arms with pneumonia after being stupid enough to get caught in the rapids un the dead of winter wanting a good photograph of a rare fish, then I’m seventeen, crying over a redheaded girl who I thought I’d managed to murder. And now here I am, at twenty-two years old in his grasp once again, having made the greatest mistake of my life.

Suddenly I feel another set of arms wrap around the both of us.

“Group hug!” a familiar voice sings.

Leave it to Xander to make me crack a half smile in the darkest moments I’ve ever experienced. After a while I pull away and sigh.

“Do you think she’ll ever forgive me?” I ask, pulling away.

“Honestly?” Xander asks.

I nod

“No,” he says. I wish I could see that little glimmer of a lie in his eyes, but I can’t. And it kills me.

“Think about it like this,” he sighs, “would you forgive Eve for what she did?”

“This is not the same thing,” I reply coldly.

“Eve cheated your trust, she betrayed you,” he explains gently, “that’s exactly how she feels.”

Dread fills my every pore as I murmur lifelessly, “I’m as bad as Eve.”

“No wait,” he says, looking guilty and panicked all at the same time, “that’s not what I meant!”

“I know,” I reassure him so some of his guilt subsides, “but it’s true and now I’ve just realised.”

“Look Gray, you aren’t Eve. You’re never going to be Eve, but think of how you felt then. That’s how y/n feels,” Nash soothes, “she’s not going to just forgive you, that’s not how it works.”

“You just broke her heart Gray,” Xander adds, careful to keep his tone as light as a feather, “for a girl you just met.”

“Why am I horrible person? Why do I always find a way to mess to something good?” I groan, smacking my head on the wall behind me. There’s an audible thump as pain spreads through the back of my skull. I wonder if I can concuss myself to forget all of this, but I don’t attempt the idea.

“You don’t-“

“No I do,” I say firmly, cutting him off, “I’m not meant for love, to love or to be loved, I’m not built for it. I’m not a good enough person for it. I’m never going to find my Libby or my Max or my Avery.“

“Grayson-“ Nash begins.

“Emily knew it and now so does y/n,” I snap.

My brothers still at her name, not moving a muscle. I never bring up Emily.

“Listen to me,” Nash says sharply, getting my attention, “you are meant to be loved. You are meant to love. I love you, Xander loves you, Jameson loves you and y/n loved you too…”

The change of tense makes my soul ache.

“…but this time around, you made a mistake, a costly mistake. But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love.”

I nod numbly, robotically.

“What can I do to make it up to her?” I ask, my voice beginning to tremble, “to show her I’m sorry? Something there has to be something.”

Nash gives me a grim look and Xander’s face remains blank, they’re the only answers I need. My head sinks into my hands. The door reopens and I look back up. Jameson has returned.

He meets my eyes, “Avery’s with her.”

Blood surges through my heart and I can almost smile. He checked on her. For me.

“Is she okay?” I ask quickly.

Jameson looks at me and for a split second I almost see the ghost concern is his eyes. He shakes his head softly, “no, but she will be,” he replies, it’s an attempt to comfort me and I am grateful.

“Thank you,” I mumble.

“I’m not apologising for what I said, because I still stand by it and you won’t change my mind,” Jameson says, “but I am sorry for being so angry about it.”

“You were right,” I whisper, “you were right about me. I never deserved her, so was nothing but an angel to me and I just turned around and threw it all away. I abused the luxury I had, I stabbed her in the back and then gifted another with the knife, I’m a horrible person.”

“What you did was wrong, but that’s doesn’t make you a horrible person,” he sighs, “you need time Gray, this is going to take a lot of healing. On both sides.”

“I don’t deserve to heal, I deserve to be in pain,” I murmur, the dullness in my tone echos around the empty walls.

“Oh no, we’re not going back to emo Grayson,” Xander says quickly, shaking his head.

“I agree with Xander on this one,” Nash nods, readjusting his cowboy hat.

“I don’t want to hear you blasting my chemical romance at three a.m and then denying it later again, you came out of that phase we’re not going back there,” Jameson tells me.

I bark out a laugh that thaws my icy chest. I then bite the inside of my cheek.

“I can’t fix this, can I?” I say, looking at the ground,

Nash shakes his head softly.

“But that doesn’t mean you can’t be fixed,” Xander says.

“You’ll get through this Gray,” Jamie agrees, “I know it.”

The room grows still.

“Can we drink that whiskey now?” I ask, to cut through the silence. I feel like getting drunk, I feel like I need some relief.

“Big brother,” Xander nods at Nash handing him the bottle.

“Little brother,” he tips his cowboy hat in reply before taking the bottle into his hands and cracking it open.

“Let me pour these things properly,” Nash grins, “Jamie, come help.”

“Wait me too!” Xander jumps up,

“Stay with Gray,” he shakes his head.

“I don’t need to be babysat,” I grumble, annoyance written all over my face.

“I want to watch them pour whiskey properly,” Xander explains, “so I can impress Max.”

My eyebrows fly to my forehead, “Max drinks?”

“No I want to impress her though,” he grins.

‘You’re an odd human,” I almost laugh, tilting my head to the side.

“Why ta very much!” he says, almost skipping away.

Once I know they’re all gone, I lean back on the wall, my heart feeling a tiny bit less heavy. The pain isn’t gone. I think I’ve just gone numb. I feel hollow, empty, nothingness. Guilt is still gnawing at my insides but slower. A satifying clink against the fragile rim of the glass takes me out of my own head for a split second. There are hushed voices from the kitchen, I notice. I walk over to the door that lay ajar, I lean in to listen.

“We need to tell him,” it sounds like Jameson.

“Not now,” the accent indicates Nash.

“Then when?” Xander’s voice asks, “how long can we prolong it.”

“I can hear you,” I tell them, raising my voice a little.

They turn to face me, awkwardly remaining silent. The expressions on their faces don’t offer me comfort.

“Whatever it is, spit it out,” I say, “it’s not like tonight could get any worse.”

They share a look. Apparently it can. I feel sick to my stomach.

I can barely breathe, “who died?”

“No one has died,” Xander says quickly, “yet.”

“What?” I say, my tone deadly,

Nash glares at him, then turns back to me. There’s sorrow laced delicately, deep within his hazel irises.

“Gray,” he says gently, “Gray we hate to do this but…”

“What? What is it?” I ask urgently.

“Gigi’s missing.”

The words shock me to my core. I feel my throat begin the close up as panic returns with a smirk and triumphant greeting. My whole world has collapsed in less than 24 hours.

***

YOUR POV

I don’t hate him. Call me naive or call me stupid. But I don’t. I don’t think I ever could. The kind of love I have for him is unconditional, irrevocable. Time can’t heal a wound this deep and although it is still fresh now, I can tell. But if he were to say sorry I think I would forgive him every time. And if he asked me back I’d fall into his arms into an instant. And I hate myself for it, it’s stupid and it’s a little cruel. How easily I would take him back after what he did. I know I shouldn’t but something inside of me is drawn to him. Like an invisible magnet has been planted in our hearts. I wish I didn’t love so hard, fall so deeply, maybe I wouldn’t get hurt so badly. But it’s in my nature, it’s who I am. I wonder if he knows how much pain I’m in, the rippling agony that rolls across my chest relentlessly with no hint as to when it will cease. I’m tired of being the second choice but unfortunately I wouldn’t mind being his. And I know it’s completely stupid of me to think that way, completely wrong but love makes you do stupid things so they say. I sit on the beach, by the sea in a state of numbness. Silent tears roll down my tears as the waves lap my feet. Deja vu washes over me and the memories of Grayson and I the night of the game flash through my mind.

I grip his hand and run with him as he guides me the just beyond the shore. He sits down swiftly on the sand and pulls me down to sit between his legs. I lean my back onto his chest and let him nuzzle his face into my collarbone.

“I love you,” he whispers, kissing my neck, “only you.”

Only me, huh? Only me…

The waves crash against the rocks, hurtling a salty spray towards me. I hear footsteps and turn around. Avery stands there, a mournful expression over her delicate face. She knows. I stumble towards her and collapse into her arms in a fit of uncontrollable sobs now and she holds me. Her touch is gentle and warm but it’s nothing compared to his. I realise he might never hold me in his arms again and I cry even harder.

***

I don’t hold Lyra accountable. She is not to blame. Some girls in my position might dream about different ways to brutally murder her but I can only ask what comfort would it bring me? My feelings are already dead, what good is more pain doing?

There was a choice that Grayson Hawthorne was given: his dancer or his angel. He chose his dancer and I hope he’s happy. Because angels have wings and we rise up stronger.

idk guys I think I wrote Grayson’s POV really awfully to be honest… also I feel like the 911 meet up was not like their normal ones where they try and like do something (e.g drink or dare) and then talk about the pain but that’s bc Grayson was in such a mess and then they had to drop the bomb that Gigi was missing. so anywayyyss…

I am sorry this took so long and I hope it lived up to any expectation you wanted it too (sorry if it didn’t) and I hope you enjoyed 🤍🤍 thanks for reading as always

TIG masterlist

[notedgyanymore]

Dp x Dc idea 💡

Jazz has been dating Jason for the last few months the bat family loves her, and she hasn't given any of them red flags to trigger their paranoia as to make them look into her past, so to them jazz just seems like a normal nice girl. Everything changes though when she gets custody of her younger brother, who according to her has spent the last six months recovering from an unknown disease in a specialized hospital in another country.

Danny unlike jazz is a walking red flag, you can tell in your gut that there is something inhuman and terrifying about him and now the bat family is scrabbling to find information about Danny and jazz's past which seems so far to be purposely erased in a way that is so efficient that it's as if it never happened in the first place. The bat family current theory is that Danny is some kind of monster/creature that has infiltrated Jazz's life and altered her memories and that she never had a brother in the first place this corroborates with the fact the while Jazz Fenton existence is very well documented by government, there's virtually no evidence of the existence of Daniel Fenton before he appeared the last month with a fake recently made ID.

The truth is Danny has spent the last six months recovering in the ghost zone from an attempted dissection courtesy of Jack and Maddie Fenton and was being taken care of by his ghost guardians/parents frost bite and clockwork, while healing he discovered the that he really likes "living" in the realms specially after a traumatic experience, not having to deal with humans feels great ! Anyhow, Danny decides that he wants to live full time in the ghost zone and makes a wish to Desiree so his identity both as Phantom and Fenton get erased and the only people who remember that he ever existed are jazz, Sam, tucker and of course the ghosts.  

Jazz wasn't all that happy about the wish, but she understands that it is better that her parents forget Danny's existence, so they can't go after him again also making a new identity together seems easy enough. The reason why jazz got Danny's custody in the first place was because of the agreement she made with clockwork and frost bite that Danny should at least finish high school and get to complete his eighteen birthday on earth, and they were fine with this deal after all is just a few years and ghost children age much slower which means that clockwork and frost bite would also get to raise their kid.

Danny currently is very unhappy with the deal having to live on earth, specially on a city like Gotham, moreover having to deal with Jazz's terrible boyfriend and his family who are treating him like dirt. Well jazz isn't happy either, she loves Jason, but she will not stand anyone treating her brother this badly, so he better step up before he gets dumped.

Note : Out of the bat family, Jason is the one with the most antagonistic attitude towards Danny, the pits recognize him as a threat to their existence and activate a fight or flight response in Jason. He tries to be sneaky and not say anything bad about Danny when his sister is around, but Jazz knows what going on and is deeply disappointed. Also, after six months in the zone, Danny has gotten worse at hiding his ghostly nature.

[queenoftheimps]

Why I Think The Season 2 Finale Is Gonna Be Even Rougher Than We Anticipate

Something I am increasingly worried about as we approach the Interview with the Vampire season finale:

What if Louis knows that he doesn't know everything? What if that's what he prefers?

Most of the audience suspects Armand was involved in the trial. Daniel definitely does. There's clues already there that this is the case. I've seen chatter online about how next week will, presumably, be when Louis realizes the truth and splits with Armand.

...however. When Louis confronts Armand about his memories of 1973, Armand tells him Louis asked him to erase them. Louis initially pushes back, but seems to accept this.

Except: why would you ever accept that as an explanation -- unless you knew that it's something you would do? Or possibly even something you'd done already?

Armand, as suspicious as he is, has been laying some groundwork that Louis is deliberately taking part in altering his own memories: "The pages we tore out of Claudia's diaries -- we did most of those together!" Which Louis seems to confirm is true.

I think part of the issue is that Louis' evasiveness is being attributed to a desire to protect Armand & continue seeing him as the love of his life. And it may be true to some extent. But also -- I think it's at least partly to protect Louis from the weight of his own guilt over Claudia's death.

Because if Armand is guilty -- if he has been plainly, obviously guilty for decades, if Daniel can catch it from third-hand evidence 70 years later -- and it happened because he wanted to have Louis to himself, how do you even process that? How do you handle knowing that Claudia died a horrific death because of a romance she herself called you out on? After she told you that this man threatened her and you denied it?

Hell, how do you process it when she's condemned by testimony from someone you failed to kill? When Louis tries to convince Daniel that he really did intent to kill Lestat, that Claudia was the one who couldn't burn him, is it because he can't handle feeling responsible for Lestat being alive to testify against her?

Truthfully, I wouldn't really blame Louis for not being able to handle that level of guilt, and we know he winds up spending several years draining drug addicts as a coping method before ultimately attempting suicide. Being able to forget all of it, and forget that you'd forgotten them, would be appealing. (And I think it's noteworthy that Louis only seems to be willing to question Armand about his memories of 1973, which occurred well after Claudia died.)

That said: I have concerns about what this is going to mean for present-day Dubai.

Daniel clearly can tell something is up and is gunning to dig in. But Louis keeps shutting him down hard. ("Armand sold you out-..." "I'm talking now.")

We also have seen what happens when Daniel digs into something that Louis really doesn't want to talk about. When he asks for Claudia's missing pages, Louis deliberately seems to trigger his Parkinson's. When Daniel makes comments about Lestat's letter, Louis starts digging into Daniel's memories of Alice (which also seems to worsen Daniel's tremors, though that may not be deliberate).

So what happens if he starts pushing in on something that Louis has gone to great, deliberate lengths to forget about? Something that ties into the worst event of Louis' life, something he still feels tremendous guilt over?

Raglan James' line about "You fear Armand. You should fear the other one" feels like a shoe that hasn't been dropped yet. I've been pretty steadily predicting that Daniel is going to have some sort of massive medical issue in the penthouse, but I'm slowly wondering if Louis may be what triggers it (possibly by accident). Hell, I even kind of wonder if Armand suspects something like this could happen, which is part of why he's been so adamant about always being nearby, cosplaying as Rashid so he can run in whenever Louis gets upset.

I don't know, I would love for the finale to be as easy and simple as "Daniel helps Louis see that Armand is guilty, Louis dumps Armand". But this show has never been about easy, simple situations so I suspect we're in for a rough time.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

sorry to post about OUAT outside of the safety of the patreon corral but I just. truly cannot stop thinking about the bugfuck insanity of the writers deciding to drop in the seventh episode of their show ever that Regina has kept the same man as a sex slave in two separate realities.

like the nature of Storybrooke is that, having altered memories and lives constructed by Regina, I think almost everyone is off the hook for any sex under the effects of the OG curse—ie, Snow White might regret hooking up with Victor Frankenstein but the two of them were as on an equal footing as possible in the situation and both consented based on their understanding of reality at the time—with the obvious exception of Regina! who is extremely aware that everyone else in town is the most under the influence that maybe anyone has ever been in the history of the world!

which would be yucky enough if it was like, a bad situationship that developed organically in Storybrooke, but no man she was just recreating her setup in the Enchanted Forest where she kept Graham as a sex slave for god knows how many years. hello! hello!!! is anyone listening I'm going insane.

season one kind of revels in getting to roll out little reveals of Regina's litany of crimes via flashbacks to keep emphasizing, over and over, that she is insane and petty and willing to stoop to pretty much anything. in the first episode you know she's responsible for the curse that drives the entire plot, standard big bad stuff, but by the tenth episode you know she also kidnapped multiple children and sent them to their deaths in the candy house from Hansel and Gretel. which is obviously bad, no shit, but it's like. she's Snow White's wicked stepmother, she's the villain in a loosely goosey live action adaptation of classic Disney movies. endangering children for cruel and petty reasons is part of the territory.

but she also like. you know. she explicitly has a scared, trapped man dragged away to her bed chamber after she forcibly kisses him and magically rips his heart out of his chest specifically so that he can never defy her again. and then in case there was even a little bit of doubt left about what's going on there she continues to make his real world counterpart have sex with her, and even under a spell that's completely erased his memories of his old identity and life, he admits that his relationship with Regina doesn't make him feel anything. no one ever comes right out and says Regina is using her power as the mayor to pressure him into it, but that would frankly be mild by her standards.

I can't even quite articulate why I'm so hung up on this except that it's like, so jarring to have Regina do so many over the top cartoon crimes with her magical murder and mayhem and then also slip in oh, btw, she's also a rapist! she raped that man!" especially when you factor in that, based on my memory of the show and general understanding of what mind of show this is, no one is ever going to acknowledge that. when Regina starts her good guy redemption arc and other characters try to hold her accountable for things it's always going to be "you killed Graham" and never "you killed Graham after raping him repeatedly for many years in two different realities." no one is ever going to talk about that.

except for me, because I'm stuck watching six and a half more seasons and I will not be able to forget.

[jenlrossman]

Tuvix as a metaphor for Janeway's mindset throughout Voyager

When Tuvok and Neelix merged into a new individual after a transporter malfunction, Tuvix was born. Possessing a combination of the memories and personalities of his component parts while still being his own unique self, Tuvix quickly proved he was more than just a transporter accident, showing he had potential to find his place among the crew of Voyager and settle in to this new normal.

And when Janeway learned of a way to separate him, bringing back Tuvok and Neelix, Tuvix was killed. Against his wishes, against the doctor's ethical subroutines, Tuvix was killed.

I'm not going to discuss whether or not this was right. That's an entirely different subject that many people have debated ad nauseam.

I just want to talk about how the decision to kill Tuvix and bring back Tuvok and Neelix might actually be the defining moment in developing Kathryn Janeway's mindset for the rest of the series. The sometimes questionable mindset best described as

"There's the right way, the wrong way, and the Janeway."

To Captain Janeway, Tuvix is a problem to solve. He is the thing standing in the way of the status quo, the thing preventing her from seeing her loved ones again.

She says as much, when Kes is expressing reservations about developing feelings for Tuvix and says she hasn't given up on the idea of him being separated.

You’re experiencing what people on this crew have been going through since we first got stranded in this quadrant. Do we accept that we're separated from our loved ones forever, or do we hold onto the hope that someday we'll be with them again?

Tuvix, therefore, is a physical representation of being stuck in the Delta quadrant. He is the thing preventing them from being with their loved ones, and she might not be able to get everyone home right now if ever, but she's going to do everything she can to see Tuvok and Neelix again.

Whether or not it is right for her to kill Tuvix, that isn't as important to her as proving—to herself and to her crew—that she is going to do anything she can to get them home, and killing him is a symbolic representation of that.

We see this mindset continue throughout the series, and the Lower Decks episode Twovix gives us some great examples.

While most of the crew is dealing with another transporter malfunction, Boimler and Rutherford are dealing with holographic representations of various things the Voyager crew encountered. And they just happen to be some of Janeway's greatest hits… Or misses.

Michael "delete the wife" Sullivan—Janeway's holographic Irish boy toy, who she widowed and altered to suit her preferences even though those episodes deal with the possibility of all holograms having a chance to achieve sentience

The macrovirus—which was dealt with by Janeway unleashing it on a crowd of (again, possibly sentient?) holograms

The personification of fear—the clown who was defeated when Janeway went so far to save her crew that she literally made the concept of fear afraid of her

Chaotica—Janeway didn't particularly want to play the role of Queen Arachnia but she got very into it because when push comes to shove, she really doesn't mind being the villain if it means protecting her crew

And of course, the Borg…

The series finale of Voyager is the ultimate example of the "anything to see our loved ones again" mindset Janeway shows in Tuvix.

Voyager gets home. It takes 23 years, but they get home.

However, Seven is lost along the way, Chakotay dies after reaching earth, and the delay in getting home has exacerbated Tuvok's Vulcan equivalent of Alzheimer's to the point that he is not himself anymore.

Three of the most important people in her life, gone.

So what does she do? Of course she doesn't accept that, she can't, she never has been able to.

Kathryn Janeway goes back in time, erases the lives of everyone in the universe to rewrite history on her terms, she defeats the goddamn Borg—just to see them again.

And of course she does it herself. As we learned in Tuvix when the doctor refuses to separate him, Janeway doesn't care. She'll do it all herself, ethical consequences be damned, she just needs everyone she loves to get back to the Alpha quadrant.

So whether or not it was right to separate Tuvix, it doesn't matter. The right way, the wrong way, none of that matters. Not to her, not as long as doing things the Janeway gets everyone she cares about home safely.

[wazzuppy]

SPOILERS FOR THE NEW WALPURGISNACHT RISING TRAILER!!!!

And now for some other random things I noticed. Sequel-ish to my previous post.

Homura now has slight curls in her hair. It might also be more purple than before? Though that could just be because of the lighting.

Madoka looks really surprised and confused, but Homura looks all soft and somberly warm. Did she just randomly start dancing with her out of nowhere? 😭 Homura's such a gay little mess, I love her.

Was Homura fighting something here? The way she falls feels less like a dramatic one that she did of her own volition (like at the end of Rebellion) and more like she's in actual danger. Plus, she's in her devil form and the scenery doesn't look normal. I would say it's a witches labyrinth, but no labyrinth we've seen has ever looked like this— this one looks almost heavenly by comparison. Maybe there's some kind of new threat, or perhaps Wraiths are going to come back and get a proper labyrinth of their own. She might even be fighting another magical girl, and they're just in a barrier of some kind high above the city.

This teacup. I feel like this teacup is so important, but I have no idea what it could mean. However I do know what those golden cracks are. That's an example of Kintsugi, where broken things are repaired by mending the cracks with gold. It treats being broken and fixed as part of the object's history, rather than something to be hidden.

Also, this girl's eyes are golden and her hair is green like the tea inside the cup. The spoon and other parts of the tea-set are golden as well.

Nagisa has a new friend!! I thought maybe this orange haired girl might have been the unnamed magical girl from the first trailer (the one who fought with a bow), but that girl only had a single ponytail as opposed to pigtails.

Although... This girl kind of looks like what would happen if Nagisa and orange hair fused together.

And this other (same?) girl with orange pigtails is seen with Kyubey. Her outfit looks a lot like Kyoko's original outfit, too. Hmmm... I wonder if this is Kyoko's little sister? And she's been brought back because of Homura having rewrote the world? Kyoko does go to school with the rest of the girls now. She could have altered more about her life than just that.

Actually, this witch/familiar from earlier in the trailer has orange hair too. Does this mean something or is it just a coincidence???

Anyways, speaking of Kyoko, we get to see a bit more of her new outfit in this shot here. She now has puffed sleeves similar to Madoka's, and her dress in general looks much frillier. It feels a lot more girlish and cute, as opposed to coolness of her original design. Maybe it's a reflection of how Kyoko is happier in this new world?

Is Sayaka in her original outfit here? And just where the hell is she? Wasn't there a location like this in Rebellion, or am I just misremembering?

We see a flash of Oktavia in this shot, but Sayaka seems surprised and confused by it. Maybe she's had her memories erased since the end of Rebellion and doesn't remember Oktavia at all. Although, her shock may just be because it was so sudden.

Also, Sayaka's new outfit has more gold detailing than her original one!

So, the presence of the lizard makes me think that this is Homura. It looks like she may be attempting to cut it out of her, only for her blood to solidify and straight up break the knife (? possibly a boxcutter?). She may be trying to rid herself of her power in some way, or if this is a different girl entirely (the tea makes me think it could be Mami or the green haired girl from before), they're trying to get rid of Homura's influence.

This shot is interesting. It shows a white feather turning black as it falls from a heavenly-looking sky. This is probably a reference to not only fallen angels, but the status of Madoka's godhood. It's initially high in the sky with her, but is pulled down to Earth and turned dark as Homura takes it for herself.

[thebramblewood]

If the Vatores stand united on one thing, it's their absolute disdain for Old Man Vlad.

Previous / Next

(Psst... there's some bonus lore under the cut for those who can't get enough.)

More on the Vatores' complicated relationship with Vlad to come, but for now I will say that settling in Forgotten Hollow despite hating his guts was absolutely a (petty) power move on Lilith's part. Vlad doesn't have any qualms about killing humans. In fact, he has little interest in the affairs of humans at all. But what he doesn't care for is Lilith's ostentatious style. He's very old-fashioned and set in his ways regarding how a "proper" vampire should behave and doesn't like when they draw too much attention to themselves because he believes it puts vampires as a collective at risk. He once hoped to mold Lilith in his image, but that obviously didn't work out, and he now finds her indiscreet, disrespectful, and lacking manners, and he finds Caleb a wimpy annoyance who should have never been turned.

I also wanted to explain a bit more about vampire telepathy in my universe. There's a psychic link between sire vampires and their children that allows them to communicate internally (as we've seen Lilith and Vlad do before - and we'll explore the circumstances of her turning in the future!) and also to probe each other's thoughts/memories (which, for example, is what allows Caleb to track down Helena). Physical distance weakens the link, and stronger vampires can establish barricades against intrusion (like Caleb is trying to do now with Lilith). It's also not a constant thing. It's an active choice to enter another's mind. Caleb is considerate (yes, even with his sister), so he does it sparingly and accesses only the information he needs. Lilith and Vlad couldn't care less, so they'll shamelessly dig for secrets. Most vampires are also able to wield telepathic powers over humans, although obviously this takes skill and practice. Humans' minds are more vulnerable and as such more susceptible to hypnosis. This allows vampires to control humans for feeding and other purposes and also to erase or alter their memories. I don't think any of this greatly deviates from what you would expect, and I've tried to imply most of it through the storytelling, but I just wanted to explain it all in one place.

Caleb: [stiffly] Straud.

Vlad: It seems you’re out and about these days more than your sister is. How is Lilith anyway? I can’t imagine she's finally come to her senses and decided to practice moderation for once in her life.

Caleb: Why don’t you rummage around in her thoughts and find out for yourself? She picked up that habit from you, after all.

Vlad: She’s learned how to keep up her guard against me. [pointed look] As I’m sure you’ve learned your own tricks against her. No matter. There are things in that girl's head beyond description. I’d rather not get mired in her depravity. Surely you know what I mean.

Caleb: I never acquired a taste for extracting people’s secrets without their permission.

Vlad: Of course not. You’re a peculiar creature, aren’t you? I warned her you wouldn’t be suited to this life. Well, in this case, you’re likely better off. Maintaining blissful ignorance is undoubtedly more pleasant than holding the eternal knowledge of all she’s done.

Caleb: [impatiently] Is there something else you wanted to discuss?

Vlad: That man - what is it, Benali? - and his charming little book… It’s not going to cause trouble, is it?

Caleb: I haven’t seen any angry hordes yet. This is your town, old man. There’ll be no trouble so long as you don’t let it in.

[yasmimkilleruwu]

If the proxy already has Slenderman's mark on his body, it already belongs to him, Slenderman possesses that proxy's mind, body and soul.

Slenderman can control the proxy's body, erase the memories he wants, can create false memories, can make the proxy hallucinate and make him hear voices.

He can also see what his proxies are doing, but he cannot see what they are doing if they are in the Southern Forest.

I don't remember saying this here, but basically, the Northern Forest is where Slenderman's mansion is, this forest is Slenderman's territory, he allows creepypastas to live there as long as they do some work for Slenderman and follow orders what he created.

The Southern forest is a forest ruled by Zalgo, Zalgo doesn't really care about this forest, and lets anyone in there, except the proxies and creepypastas who work in some way for Slenderman. In that forest there are Zalgo creatures that are poisonous, there are also normal animals that have been altered because they are living in that forest.

Making these things clear, Toby is not a proxy who truly obeys Slenderman, and there was an occasion where Slenderman controlled Toby's body. (Actually, there were several occasions like this, but I will talk about one in specific.)

After finishing his “training” to become a proxy, meaning he was tortured to become tougher, faster, stronger, and smarter, Toby was ordered by Slenderman to kill a family. Toby completely rejected it, because in addition to the woman and the man, they had 3 children, a 7 year old, a 10 year old and a newborn, but Slenderman obviously wouldn't accept a no, so he controlled Toby's body and left Toby watch as he killed the entire family using Toby's own body.

Toby blamed himself a lot, this happened repeatedly, and it was destroying Toby's psychology even more, so much so that he stopped caring, he started killing everyone Slenderman told him to kill. Because it wouldn't change anything for him to say that he wouldn't kill these people, because they would die anyway and it would still be by his hands.

Clock helped him calm down, helped ease the guilt he felt, but Slenderman sent her away from him too, which made Toby's condition worse.

After some time, Toby met Eyeless Jack and after a long time they got along well, and Eyeless Jack became Toby's safe haven, whenever Toby was feeling bad he went to Eyeless Jack, Jack stopped him from hurting himself.

{I don't like writing English, because I use the translator and the writing is probably bad, and it probably gets worse because I speak Portuguese and Portuguese has a lot of words, and even gives objects a gender T-T}

I'm really bothered, because in Portuguese I write in one sense, but in English it translates to a completely different meaning.

[pixelheartthrob]

In Defense of Princess Elise.

When I first got heavily into the Sonic franchise in 2020, I had already heard of how bad 06 was and that Elise was the worst part of it. While 06 isn't a great game by any means, Elise is definitely not the biggest problem. The fandom made me believe that she was an uncaring, selfish person who liked doing...inappropriate things to animals. Once I played the game, however, I saw that this is the complete opposite of how she is. The fandom and the entire internet (because the hatred people have for Elise extends far beyond the fanbase) lied about this character and everyone went along with it for decades.

She had an arc where Sonic taught her to open up, enjoy life, and made her feel genuine happiness for the first time since her father died. I thought it was a sweet and simple arc, and compared to how headache-inducing the time travel stuff can be, I prefer the simplicity of Elise's story. A lot of people blame Elise herself for getting kidnapped but it's not really the character's fault, it's the contrived plots fault. It's common for fan rewrites to try and fix this by changing Elise into a fighter with capabilities on the same level as the other characters, but that's not really fixing. It's more akin to replacing because Elise isn't a fighter. Even worse, there are rewrites of 06 that straight up replace Elise with Sally or Blaze. It reminds me of people saying Elise would be better if she was an anthro character, but her being human isn't a problem. It's just the art direction that needs improving. I actually think Elise being human is one of the things that makes her unique (and her controversial status as Sonic's human love interest is what she's most well known for, so if Sega was to remake 06 and she suddenly showed up as an entirely different species, it'd be a bit jarring lol). You can also considerably lower the number of contrived kidnappings without changing Elise into something she's not. Elise's story and character are more emotion-driven than action-driven, so there are other ways she can be strong. She's already a strong character in an emotional sense. In fact, she's the most emotionally strong character in the series.

For example, I think Elise blowing out the Flame of Disaster (or the Flame of Hope, as it was previously called) is one of the most powerful moments in the franchise.

People give Elise a lot of crap for her breakdown, mostly her "I don't care what happens to the world!" line. This line gets blown out of proportion by a lot of Sonic fans and gamers in general because they aren't very observant and take everything at face value. People call Elise "selfish" for this outburst but just put yourself in her shoes. Imagine if you had to give up the only friend you've ever had ‐ the only person who made you feel genuine happiness in years. All the moments you spent together would be erased from both of your memories. I don't think most people would be able to make such a sacrifice. Get off her back, guys. She's not selfish. Everyone has had moments where they got upset at how unfair the world is.

She obviously didn't mean it, because she regained her composure when remembering Sonic's words and blew out the flame shortly afterwards. People also claim she's being dramatic and crying over someone she's known for a few days, but they conveniently forget that Sonic was literally her only friend and the only one she felt happiness around since the death of her parents. It's understandable that she'd get attached. The fact that Elise blew out the flame and put the world's needs above her own despite all she's been through and despite knowing that she'll lose her only friend shows how selfless she is. She does care about the world.

So, how would one fix Elise without completely altering her character? It's simple, really. Just give her more screentime. Maybe explore how she feels about her parents (especially her father) and how she coped with their deaths. The "not crying for 10 years" thing is the only problem people seem to have with Elise's backstory, but I think there's an easy fix for this, too.

In the scene where Sonic is killed, we see a glimpse of Elise remembering her father's words. At first I wondered what this flashback was showing, but I think this is meant to show Elise's reaction to the news of her father's death. As we can see, she's not crying, but is gently clutching the blue chaos emerald and seems to be in a trance-like state. My idea is that maybe the energy of the chaos emerald regulates her emotions and she carries it around for comfort. It could also help her cope by detaching from the situation or reality altogether.

We can see her clutching the emerald during the first cutscene at the festival when Eggman threatens to take it from her, too. She is understandably reluctant to hand the emerald over because it was given to her as a charm to ease the pain of her father's death, so she holds it dearly. She probably had the emerald in this cutscene as emotional support just in case anything went wrong during the festival because other than that, I can't think of a reason for her to be carrying it. There are also moments where she blanks out or has hallucinations.

So that's my idea as to how Elise went for so long without crying. Elise is a decent character that just needed more screentime, not a complete character overhaul like people say. In my proposed fixes, I didn't make many drastic changes or remove anything from Elise's character or backstory, I just added to it. The main problem is that Elise was underwritten, not badly written, as there were things that should've been explored more regarding her backstory and her parents. I'd like to mention what I said at the start about people portraying her as a creep whose into necrophilia and beastiality, mainly because of her kissing Sonic. People really overreact to the kiss scene as if it's a scandalous moment that Sega tried to sneak into a kids game, but it's...really not. It's clearly meant to be reminiscent of a fairytale and the kiss was obscured by a light. It's quite literally the most tame thing in the universe. Plus, Sonic's spirit was present during the kiss and the first thing he does upon being revived is thank Elise. It's also not beatiality because Sonic isn't a literal hedgehog. He's an anthropomorphic cartoon character that's able to walk, talk, and think like humans do.

Just like how people will portray Elise as a creep, they'll portray Sonic as being disturbed by her very presence or Amy wanting to kill Elise because she "stole her man". This obviously contradicts everything in the actual game because Sonic is shown to enjoy Elise's company and Amy has a lot of respect for Elise. It's kind of misogynistic to think that just because two female characters have a crush on the same guy, they have to be at eachothers throats. It's also strange because Sonic fans will throw huge fits when the characters are written poorly, out of character, or flanderized, but that's exactly what they're doing to the characters. Writing Amy as hateful and violent towards Elise just turns Amy into the crazy, overprotective, Sonic stalker that fans hate to see people accuse her of being. If Sonic was to act like a jerk towards any of his other friends, fans would consider that out of character, so why do those same fans portray him as acting like that towards Elise - someone he is shown to appreciate and consider a friend? I guess it's okay to wildly misrepresent a character or flanderize them, but only when it's directed at another character that you don't like. This fandom makes no sense.

[theamityelf]

Wait, but also, in the AU where Izuru kidnaps memory-erased Makoto, we still eventually get Kyoko finding the files on all the other students. So it's like, "Mukuro Ikusaba, the 16th student, hiding somewhere in the school. Also, there's this guy named Makoto? I don't know, he was the Ultimate Lucky Student. I don't know what that means or entails. He feels significant, too, but I don't know where he comes into play."

Except of course, she probably doesn't confide this in anyone. But there is a point in the game where she knows there's another student in their class but not what the deal is with him.

The way I'm imagining the scenario, Junko was fully caught off guard by Izuru taking Makoto, and she restructured a lot of things to accommodate that. Either she goes through with the killing game right away, which will be the case in this post, or she delays it to track down Makoto. Maybe sends the 77th class after him; that is a cool scenario to pursue.

But for now, the scenario where she just starts the killing game without him. She left Makoto's room with his nameplate and everything, so now there's a question of, "Who's this fifteenth guy clearly represented as one of us who we've never met or seen?" Then they get to the courtroom and there are sixteen podiums, and that's like...Okay, noted.

Junko doesn't kill Mukuro, because in her mind she's going to confront Izuru later because she can't let this one classmate get away unscathed, and if she wants to confront Izuru then she'll need Mukuro.

Mukuro also knows that Izuru has Makoto. She's still pretending to be Junko. She's deeply worried about Makoto the whole time.

This feels so mean, but I am going to say Chihiro survives because the idea of training with Mondo is not suggested. The reason I'm saying this is to make it so we no longer have to worry about how the group will get through the final trial without Makoto to encourage them; they have Alter Ego and they have Chihiro, so their solutions are more in the spy thriller genre than the intended hope/despair stuff. The world isn't given hope, the killing game is pretty much a bust for both sides.

When enough cards are on the table that Kyoko can talk about Makoto openly, Monokuma reacts with extreme irritation, like "Don't even say that name in front of me! I'm still pissed off that he was taken out of play so early! To put a guy like him in a killing game- that would really pull the heartstrings! But I guess you wouldn't know, since you've never met him before. Puhuhuhu~" Very different to how he reacts when Mukuro is brought up.

Maybe at some point someone asks, "Could Makoto Naegi be the masked figure who attacked you?"

And Kyoko just goes, "No. Look at his file again; Makoto Naegi is five foot three."

All of this to say: Eventually some of these kids get out of the school, get their memories back, and find out that someone took Makoto. Maybe Junko even leverages this; maybe she induces them to recover their memories so they suddenly care about Makoto and then makes it a race to see who can find him first.

Izuru's secluded place is well secured against intruders, and his entire focus has been on "guiding" Makoto to love only him. He's not paying enough attention to the broader world to know that there's a hunt on for his luckster. That Enoshima's disciples and what remains of the 78th class are searching for him, the full weights of their talents devoted to the search.

One day the power suddenly cuts off, and Izuru sits up in bed at once. Makoto's just like, "What? It's just a power outage, right?"

And Izuru goes, "We aren't connected to the local power grid; we have a private generator. And it should not have failed." He gets up to leave the room. "Wait here."

[cosmicjoke]

So, one thing I’ve been thinking about lately is how so many people just assume that Levi and Mikasa lost their Ackerman powers after the Titan curse was lifted, and how they base this assumption off of the very brief mention of the Ackerman’s being a “product of Titan science”.

But what does that actually even mean? I’ll often hear people say that the Ackerman’s are just titans in “human form”, which makes little sense to me, since titans ARE humans to begin with. But let’s look at it more closely.

The Ackerman powers share no actual resemblance to Titan powers. They have enhanced speed and strength, of course, but they aren’t able to regenerate their bodies from catastrophic damage, for example, or harden their skin, or alter people’s memories, or see the future, etc…. Case in point, when Zeke blows himself up, we see his body in the Paths, where Ymir resides, and we see her reshaping and reforming his body, which has been blown in half. And we see this manifest in the real world with Zeke emerging from the explosion, whole and with not a scratch on him. Meanwhile, from the same explosion, Levi remains mortally injured and dying along the river bank. He doesn’t magically heal or recover from his injuries. Hange has to intervene to save his life, and even after, Levi continues to suffer the effects of the injuries.

We also see that, years after being scarred by Eren’s attack, Mikasa still sports the scar under her right eye. It doesn’t heal or go away. Ackerman’s, then, heal and recover from injury in pretty much the same way as any normal person. Hange says Levi survived the explosion because he’s an Ackerman, but to me, that just suggests his quick reflexes and instincts saved him. We see Levi able to partially shield himself from taking a direct hit from the explosion by tucking his body behind his sword and jumping away. More than some magical or enhanced healing ability, I think Hange was referring to Levi’s instincts and reflexes.

Furthermore, Ackerman’s are shown to be immune to the Founding titans power. They aren’t able to have their minds altered or their memories erased, and they aren’t able to be turned into titans. At the end of the story, when the worm creature releases the gas which turns every Eldian present into pure titans, Levi and Mikasa are the only ones not affected.

So what does this tell us?

Zeke tells Eren that Ackerman’s are a product of Titan science, but the titans power isn’t science based at all, as far as we know. It’s more like magic. A curse that’s lived on through emotional manipulation, through Ymir’s love for King Fritz. It’s a power that is beyond scientific understanding, in fact. The Titan curse isn’t lifted then through some scientific means like a vaccine or some type of cure developed in a lab. It’s lifted when Ymir is finally able to let go of her love for Fritz. Again, this all smacks of something which is mystical or based in magic, not science.

Another point in favor of this, I think, is that if a titans power were able to be generated through science, then why would Marley have bothered with sending their newly minted warriors to Paradis in a frankly convoluted and dangerous plan to retrieve the founding Titan? Couldn’t they have just engineered the same power in a science lab? But again, the source of a titans power isn’t scientific, it’s magical.

What this all suggests to me, in relation to the Ackerman’s, is that, while their own power might be BASED on Titan science, it doesn’t actually derive from the same source that the titans power does. It doesn’t come from Ymir, or the worm creature that Ymir came into contact with.

What I think, based on all we know, is that the Ackerman’s were a group of warriors that were genetically experimented on using what little was known about the way Titan powers worked, in an effort to emulate that power and create more easily controlled weapons in the process. To me, all this suggests that the Ackerman powers derived from an external, man made source, genetic experimentation and engineering outside of the Titan curse. I think the titan powers were simply used as a kind of guide or goal of these experiments, or a foundational source of study for the experiments that would eventually lead to genetically altered super soldiers.

There’s nothing in canon to suggest that the Ackerman powers are in any way linked directly to the Titan curse, and their powers hold no real resemblance to Titan powers, other than perhaps the ability to access past Ackerman’s fighting knowledge. All we get is that the Ackerman’s were a “product of Titan science” and nothing else. Again, that could just as easily mean they were a product of genetic experimentation and engineering based on the STUDY of Titan power, but doesn’t actually prove that the source of Titan power is also the source of the Ackerman’s power.

So, basically, I just think it’s an assumption based on very little, to suggest the Ackerman’s lost their powers after the Titan curse was lifted. We really don’t know that at all, and there’s more evidence, I think, to suggest that the Ackerman powers derive from a separate source entirely.

[vividstardustrevolution]

Fun fact: Futa is *not* the canon system character in MILGRAM!

...Neither is Yuno...

[Text Transcription: "Let's just do it, please smile?"]

...Haruka's not either...

[Text Transcription: "My loneliness was desired"]

...nope, not Shidou either...

Amane isn't canonically a system either, but I definitely understand the people who think she might be or headcanon her as such, especially after "The Purge March".

[Text Transcription 1: "It's the beginning of a most wonderful day"]

[Text Transcription 2: "With pure, unsullied body and soul,"]

No, Kazui's not the canon system either.

[Text Transcription: "All these memories and you Only if I could erase them"]

Where, then...?

Ah, I found him!

Hi Mikoto!

[Text Transcription 1: "It's like what's wrong isn't wrong"]

[Text Transcription 2: "I'm already the fake one"]

...but y'know, it is kinda funny that at least 7/10 of the MILGRAM prisoners have two versions of themselves on screen interacting with each other (I don't remember Muu, Mahiru, or Kotoko having scenes like that, but let me know if I'm wrong, and Kotoko still has Deep Cover coming, too), and yet only one of them is a canon system. Yes, you can explain Haruka and Amane's as self-abuse and dissociation, Futa's, Shidou's, and Kazui's as dissociation, and Yuno as compartmentalizing herself and how she acts around different people, but still.

It's interesting how it's only seemingly portrayed negatively with Mikoto, too, although to be fair, Haruka and Amane both hurt the other versions of themselves in their interactions (Haruka looks down on and pushes and chokes the younger version of himself, and Amane looks down on herself and sends herself into the water), but...still, that feels different from Mikoto's case. Maybe it's because in the cases of 010203050708, we know that the other them they're interacting with is still them, but in Mikoto's case, we don't know that. Haruka, Yuno, Futa, Shidou, Kazui, and Amane's "other selves" aren't treated as evil (or, if they are, it's not to the same extent that we see Mikoto's alter (or alters, if you're one of the people who believes in one of the Trikoto theories out there) treated as evil and inhuman).

Now, I do think that you can argue in good faith that part of why Mikoto's DID gets demonized so hard in MeMe is because Mikoto is slowly coming to the realization that he's a system and has some internalized ableism to deal with regarding that (because internalized ableism isn't uncommon regardless of the disorder involved; it's not true for every system that there's internalized ableism, but it makes sense for Mikoto "I'm just a normal guy; what do you mean I'm a murderer?" Kayano). However, I don't think that completely explains the demonization that Mikoto deals with. We see it with his interactions with Kotoko. That interrogation answer where Shidou says, "Since Mikoto became 'like that,' the smoking group stopped really interacting," shows that Shidou seems to be uncomfortable with Mikoto now that his DID has been outed. The fact that Haruka is the only person who willingly interacted with Mikoto since trial two started (the only other person Mikoto has interacted with is Kotoko, and he was the one who approached her because similar to him, everyone is avoiding the fuck out of Kotoko) shows that most people are avoiding Mikoto. (Granted, Mikoto was kind of an ass to Futa and Amane, and Mahiru was busy not fucking dying, but what about the rest of the group?) In fact, the fact that the characters are treating Mikoto (who, while kind of a jerk, has not physically attacked anyone as far as we know and only fought Kotoko in self-defense) the same way they're treating Kotoko (who literally attacked three people, damaged Futa's eye with her baton, nearly killed Mahiru, attacked Mikoto, and is generally an asshole (/affectionate) and has been an asshole to all but two people in the cast) is telling me that the majority of the cast sees him the same way they see her - threatening and dangerous - and it's likely that he's seen as dangerous mostly because of his DID. Even Haruka, who literally threatened to kill himself, has been checked on by two people - Futa and Muu.

...Does that seem fucked up to anyone else - that the characters seen as "dangerous," and especially Mikoto, who is being treated as a danger mostly because of his DID, are isolated and not being interacted with or checked on by most of the cast (because we all know damn well that Kotoko has not interacted with anyone since trial two started other than to chastize Kazui and tell Mikoto his existence is a crime)?

...I dunno where I'm going with this. I'm just...kinda just dumping my thoughts out and seeing where it goes.

[sserapic]

maybe in another world, my dearest.

summary. getting into a relationship with the balladeer was your greatest mistake, though you don't regret anything that had happened between you. after taking the side of the good guys, he just never felt the love he used to feel every damn time he sees you. but if you couldn't handle the pain then you shouldn't feel it anymore, altering your memories of him is such a great idea. you say.

character(s). scaramouche/wanderer, gn!reader

tw. angst, no happy ending.

"come on, traveler, lead me to him."

you had convinced lumine that you're the lover of scaramouche, well, ex-lover. she hesitated despite the fact that you're a harbinger in which you couldn't be trusted very easily.

scaramouche sat there, under a tree, in the grass where he admired the view from up there. "wanderer." wanderer? had he changed identities?

he was certainly in shock to see you, well he should be, he left you in the dark and never came back which led you to search for him.

"oh, it's you."

you noticed how the traveler had left as you sat next to the former harbinger who you used to fought alongside with, who loved you so dearly but changed so damn quick.

"so, wanderer is the name you go with now?"

"yep."

even up until now you wish that he'd just fall in love with you all over again and come back to you, but you both know it wouldn't even work out anymore even if he did come back to you, the feeling left him but yours never escaped.

"y/n, you do not have to make yourself suffer like this. just go back to being the harbinger you are, but im afraid i cannot stand beside you any longer."

you fought back the tears trying to break free from your eyes, "but i cant. i always need you by my side." you sniff, refusing to even look his way.

"you have to, you can't just cry about me all the time. you're the 5th of the fatui harbingers, there's a chance that we might be each other's opponents someday."

the thought of him taking the side of the good guys while you stayed with the villains hurts like fuck. but somehow, you also cannot betray the tsaritsa.

"why does it hurt so much.." your voice muffled from covering your face with both hands, not wanting him to look at you, crying.

"because the love you had for me was genuine, and so was mine. but ive already moved on, neither will mine come back even if we get back together."

he stood up, lending you a hand.

as soon as you got back to your feet you pulled him close and sobbed in his chest, he let you sob your pain out, ignoring the fact that you're ruining his clothes.

"the traveler has mentioned that nahida can alter memories, is she telling the truth."

"yes, but wh-"

"can you please just make her erase mine?"

"y/n i don-"

"please.."

although he had to make sure that the God of Wisdom was alright with helping a harbinger, he agreed and so did nahida. she was honestly touched and wounded from hearing about you and sc- the wanderer.

he wished to stay and observe how nahida erases him from your memories and will forever be an enemy in your eyes once this finishes.

"one last time, y/n. are you okay with this."

you nodded, glancing at your ex lover one last time. if the Gods ever allow you to live once more, at least let it be with him.

"here we go."

tears started streaming down on your cheek as you closed your eyes, and felt weird seconds later. your eyes opened and observed the unfamiliar place you were in, turning your attention to a certain man beside you who was on the verge of tearing up.

maybe in another world, y/n. i will love you with all i have, that's a promise.

now he just has to watch you from afar, knowing that he would forever be the opponent of the side you've always been with. as much as he wanted to grab his feelings back, he couldn't.

note. hey !! this has been sitting in my drafts for weeks now, and this is actually inspired by a genshin oneshots book in Wattpad ! also about the smau, i commented on the second chapter. please take a look at it if you're waiting for an update on the smau !