#'while repeatedly stating they don't understand each other'

[brain-rot-central]

Sex Dreamz

Set pre-first intimacy scene, but after the bite scene so you know he's a vampire.

Rating: E Pairing: Fem!Reader x Astarion Summary: Astarion is trancing but ends up having a sex dream about you both during his trance. His tadpole, unbeknownst to him, begins signaling to you to join in on his dream. The next day, he has absolutely no idea you saw everything the night before, and tries playing it off like he still has the complete upper hand.

Enjoy reading! There's a fun twist in this. 👀

CW: dubcon - inappropriate use of tadpole, voyeurism, accidental voyeurism, not sure if this falls under the bdsm umbrella but I'll flag it, PiV, creampie

Sleep avoids you this night.

Your mind is racing, trying to process all that has happened over the last three weeks. You feel as though you've aged a lifetime in such a small span of time.

A soft rustling from your vampire companion jolts you from your thoughts. He chose to trance tonight, telling you earlier in the evening that he, too, had a lot to take in regarding their journey.

Yet, in the three weeks you've been together, you can't recall Astarion ever being so… animated in this state.

You're human, a soldier for the City Watch. You've little to no idea how trancing for elves works. To you, it's akin to sleeping. Astarion explained it once to you before, but it was in one ear, out the other by the time he reached the conclusion. You still remember the scowl on his face after you'd told him you didn't understand a word he just said.

He was really cute when he got flustered.

You watch him twitch again, his face now bunching up into a wince. Air is pushed from his nostrils in a quick huff as his head comes to rest toward one side. His face relaxes.

Is he… dreaming?

Can you even dream while trancing?

You're about to turn over to attempt some sleep when a warm caress begins to envelop your mind. The tadpole quivers within your skull.

It recognizes the intruder.

“Astarion?” your brain asks. You look over to your companion laying on the ground adjacent to you. You don't receive acknowledgement from him, though the warm embrace still remains.

His tadpole is asking to join yours.

Why would he want that, you wonder? Was he even aware? You close your eyes and lay back, allowing your mind to meld with his.

You're looking up at a young woman on top of you. She's grinding herself in your lap, cheeks stained red by the blush creeping up from her neck. Her lips are puffy, her jaw slack as soft moans fall from her throat with each rise and fall of her hips. Hands are gripping her thighs, fingertips sinking into the plush flesh, helping guide her rhythm.

It takes you a moment to realize that the hands on this woman's thighs are not your own. You look down to the apex of your thighs, astonished to find that this woman was spearing herself repeatedly over a cock, which was, in fact, not your own.

Finally, your eyes move up the woman's body. Her skin was pale and freckled, not unlike your own. Her thighs trailed up to widened hips, her hips narrowing a bit at the waist. Her breasts fall full and heavy from her chest; again, not much unlike your own.

It isn't until you see the woman's hair that it hits you.

This woman wasn't some random woman.

This woman was you.

Another realization washes over you: you're not looking from your own point of view.

You're looking at yourself from Astarion's point of view.

The cock between your thighs is Astarion's.

Astarion is having a sex dream… about you.

You feel everything through your tadpole connection. Your warm, tight, velvet heat pulling on his cock as you bounce in his lap. The weight of your hands splayed on his chest for balance. The sensation under his nails as they dig into the skin of your thighs.

You feel the rhythmic pull behind his pubic bone resonate within yourself. Your own mouth falls open simultaneously with his, his eyes rolling back into his skull behind hooded lids as his hips drive mindlessly into your core, chasing more of the sensation.

He looks down at the place you're joined and groans. You can see how much of a sopping mess he's made you, the length of him slick with your arousal. He places a thumb upon the swollen nub between your thighs, rubbing it in a circular pattern.

You watch through Astarion's eyes as your body convulses at this new sensation, feeling how your walls contract around him. He bends his legs at the knees and briefly places his hands on either side of your waist, tilting you back to rest against the tops of his thighs.

You throw your head back as his hips piston up into your core. He's gritting his teeth now, jaw tense as the coiling in his lower abdomen winds tighter. Your hands fly to the tops of his knees to hold yourself steady, a string of moans falling from your lips as the head of his cock catches repeatedly on that one spot that makes your vision turn white.

With one well angled thrust you're suddenly hanging over him, shouting out your pleasure as it rips up your spine. Astarion takes this opportunity to wrap his arms around your upper back, holding you tightly as he fucks you through your orgasm. His lips brush against the crook of your neck and he pants into your skin, leaning your head in a silent offering.

Astarion wastes little time. Shards of ice pierce the supple flesh of your neck as his canines rip through into your vein. You taste your blood on his tongue as it flows freely into his mouth. It's sweet, floral; a rush of heat shoots up Astarion's abdomen and the coil snaps. He's spilling over the edge, your walls still massaging his length with the remnants of your climax. He fucks his spend deeper into you with short snaps of his hips.

He unlatches from your neck, lapping up the small rivulets of blood that seep from your punctures, sighing in satisfaction as he finally lays his head back against the ground under him.

The connection suddenly breaks.

You're laying on your bedroll, as you had been prior, the embers of the fire before you flickering dully. You look over to the vampire laying off to your side. He looks… relieved. His face is relaxed, his breathing at an even tempo. Your eyes travel further down his form and catch the outline of… something, pushing against the front of his breeches.

A damp patch can be seen toward the head of the object; it takes your lust-clouded brain a minute to realize that object was indeed Astarion's cock, and that damp spot was his essence leaking from its tip, surely the result of his recent dream.

Yet, he remains entranced.

Did he really have no idea what just happened? Did he really not know his tadpole had revealed his thoughts?

The next day, while you're making your way to the Goblin Camp, Astarion pulls you briskly to the side. “Darling,” he begins, “I was just thinking about you!”

He continues on, telling you how he's “grown to like the whole package,” tells you he would like to share an evening with you. His voice is posh with a sort of sensuality to it, cool and completely composed.

It dawns on you that he's completely clueless as to what happened the night before. Completely ignorant of the fact that you know how he lusts for you.

You agree to his proposition, and he vows to meet you later tonight at someplace intimate after the others have fallen asleep. The tips of your fingers and toes tingle with anticipation of your fated encounter.

If it's to be anything like his dream, you simply cannot wait for the sun to set.

[unadulteratedsoulsweets]

A DC X DP IDEA #21

A PENNY FOR MY AND YOUR THOUGHTS #1…

The Justice League tries to understand the intricacies of the Ghost Zone and ghostly physics. Batman, in particular, attempts to apply logic to the supernatural world, leading to some hilarious debates with Danny who in return explains to Batman how his family’s and his version of physics breaks all logic.

…

You know this idea kind of came up to me, I’ve had my share of DC X DP crossovers of stories over the past year, and let me. Now that I’m talking out loud I found this hilarious cause tell you this opinion of mine was in the back of my head ever since

Logic is always present in the DC franchise whether it is their machines or some great evil weapons there is always some sort of explanation that uses science-defined words that can be translated into comic science. From magicians as well to magic shenanigans there is always some sort of logic behind each interaction. Batman uses full time to counter-act everything, and I mean everything in case they turn to the other side.

And there is DP…

I mean in all logic there is an absolute quack. The Fenton’s way a lipstick can be turned into some sort of laser gun against a ghost, okay two questions first how did they manage to cram the function to fire away a small yet precise blast towards the intended direction and second how did they even modify an everyday looking lipstick into that. The Fenton creep stick is just a baseball bat with a green sticker yet for some reason works on ghosts. Let’s not forget that the two eccentric ghost hunters have designed and built many of the ghost-hunting devices, often using household objects or repurposed machinery. I mean I saw the YouTube vids about how to build a bomb or even how to make your weapon made out of everyday machinery yet there are still machine parts that cannot be found in everyday appliances to ensure a functioning and safe weapon.

 Let’s not also forget about the ectoplasm, the show repeatedly stated that ectoplasm is radioactive, sure there are the mutated dinners as well as some other stuff but the fact that it did’nt affect the other two children of the Fenton’s due to prolonged exposure of ectoplasm beneath there own home amazes me. I mean look at our everyday powerplant there is a huge distance between a power plant to civilization to avoid future problems, heck we are exposed to light radiation everyday. Doctors advise us to stay away from radiation or lessen our time spent with everyday radiation. Sure there are some fan fics about how the entire population of Amity Park is somehow contaminated and gained some sort of ghost ability like extra strength and glowing eyes but majority of them, Danny was the only one seeing that he had an entire dimension fall on him when he opened the portal.

Now mash the two fandoms together and you’ll see my mental image of Batman and Phantom debating the logic behind DP logics despite having the same two fandoms living in the same universe, while the rest of the League watches in great focus as they have never seen Batman so worked up before as well on how their new League member create such highly functioning weapons.

I mean if I saw someone create a staff turned into some sort of double-bladed lightsaber from household items, I would also question my sanity as well as my knowledge.

…

Just a thought of mine….don't mind me 😕😕😕

[kikiyoomis]

kissed me breathless

how many drinks has it been? seven? eight? maybe nine?

it may be even more, you've certainly stopped counting after a couple of drinking games that had you too competitive to focus on anything else. everything's a blur, you don't remember who you came here with nor remember the reason why you're here at this house party.

it's early in the morning, possibly 3 or 4 am. the moon is high in the sky and the number of people at the party has significantly decreased since you've arrived. you feel like it's also time for you to leave, to finally go home and reduce the pains of an oncoming hangover but you're unable to bring yourself to.

you're instead threading your fingers through dark, messy curls, tugging it ever so slightly as he continues to kiss you like it was his last time. it probably will be his last time. and so you kiss the stranger back.

he's tall, handsome, and a good kisser on top of that. he's doing everything right. kissing with the right amount of pressure, holding your face tenderly while pulling you in for another round. the kisses are slow, sensual and despite the fact that the both of you are drunk, it was the most romantic make out session of your life. it's clear that he doesn't want to let you go, and you don't wanna go either.

you're not quite sure how you got into this situation. was it the countless shots of liquid courage? this was something sober you wouldn't have ever done. but after hours of doing nothing but make out with this stranger, it has been the most enchanting thing you've done tonight and you don't regret it at all.

"i can't get enough of you," he says, breaking away slightly to catch his breath. you take this chance to really take a look at his face. it's slightly sweaty from kissing you but you find him extremely attractive. the two moles above his eyebrow steals your attention, preventing you from looking away. and his voice was deep and quiet, saying things only for you to hear.

he leans in for another kiss, this one lighter and more cautious than the previous ones. it makes you yearn for more.

and so you kiss him back with more intensity.

i want you, your kisses seem to say.

and he understands it completely, matching your speed and pressure as his other hand slides towards the small of your back to pull you in closer for a deeper kiss.

with your heart pounding, you gather the courage to finally ask the stranger for his name. you don't want to leave this night without knowing the stranger that left you so breathless.

"sakusa," he says, and after a brief pause he adds on, "kiyoomi."

with a smile, you whisper his name back to him. repeatedly saying it between each peck you leave on his lips. it was like the more you said it, the less likely you were to forget it.

"hey, you have to tell me your name too," he says, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. and so you tell him your name.

by now the party is nearly at a standstill, the only people left were those passed out drunk, those waiting for a ride home and the small group of friends still talking and laughing about something that had happened.

sakusa takes a step back, leaving you afraid of him leaving. you knew it would happen soon but "soon" didn't actually prepare you enough for when it was actually going to happen.

"the party is pretty much over," he says to you. you nod in agreement, looking around at your surroundings.

"i don't want you to go," you blurt out honestly. an instance of regret washes over you for saying something so bold and blunt without thinking. but if he leaves, what if this was truly the last time you see him?

"well, i dont plan on sleeping here. it's a one way ticket for various illnesses to enter my body since the end state of this party is so disgusting. i already shouldn't have come here to begin with, my head hurts from all the alcohol miya had me drink," sakusa says in a matter of fact tone, different from the tone he used when he was kissing you.

your heart drops, thinking that this was his moment of clarity and that he regrets the time he has spent with you. you wish it wasn't this way.

he pulls a mask from out of his pocket, looping one end around an ear. "however, my place has a bed fit for two. this party might be done for the night but if you want, ours can end a little later," he says with a grin before covering it with the mask.

you smile at the opportunity, and happily accept it. this was not going to be your last time seeing sakusa.

[mdhwrites]

Do you think the show rewards Luz’s Selfishness too much?

So I normally frame Luz's decision to self martyr herself and stay in her own world as not wanting to bother with the effort to fix her mistake. Let's shift that a bit so we can talk about why the show couldn't have Luz tell ANYONE this deeply selfish choice. A choice that by all means, Camila seems to think is just a bad choice for Luz and for no one else.

But... Luz chooses that her pain and angst is so bad that she doesn't want to help Amity reunite with her siblings. Or to make sure they can live in a world where they're safe. Gus' dad, Willow's parents, Darius, etc. All of them can rot as far as Luz is concerned. She even explicitly states this in For the Future. "Once Eda and King are safe, I'm going home."

No one else matters. LITERALLY no one else matters to her but the people she has chosen to care about and there aren't many of those. This is framed even worse by the fact that by the end of this episode, Camila will effectively say that Luz has NEVER done anything wrong. That trying to critique her at all, to try and give her life skills and friends with the camp after she put people's lives potentially in danger (snakes and fireworks are not meant for school for a reason), was wrong. That Luz just needs to be 'understood'. Part of understanding Luz, especially in S3, means that unless someone attacks her about it, like the dream sequence, WHICH ISN'T HER OWN MIND BUT A FABRICATION AND LIE, she isn't going to think about others. Just her adopted family and herself. And even then, maybe not even her adopted family since they sure as shit didn't matter in Thanks to Them.

BUT. we are supposed to sympathize with her and believe she did nothing wrong, just like Camila. Do not question her motivations, or her efforts, just believe her words.

This is emblematic of the show as well. The first two episodes talk a big game about fantasy vs reality and like Luz's selfish motivations, warped way of looking at things and her learning to be a human being, not a walking, wanna be protagonist will be interrogated. But... Not really. She repeatedly does things that are mirrored in her favorite series. Her final battle line will be a reference to that series and her delusions with that series. People might get briefly upset about her actions but most of the time she either doesn't have to do anything, like Reaching Out or Adventure in the Elements (where she gets a glyph BEFORE making up the fuck up she did) or show how special she is like in Lost in Language and Covention. I can only really think of like one episode after the first two where Luz fucks up and genuinely has to take the brunt of punishment for it, Winging it Like Witches, and even in that one, she is saved before anything bad happens to her before winning with the same trick that hurt her friends, just... Now it's okay because they're all on the same page about it I guess. Couldn't have had Willow come up with something herself because Luz actually was willing to listen to Willow and not force something onto her. That'd be too much work.

It's part of why the more you interrogate Luz's intentions and motivations, it gets BAD. So much of what she does could be easily grafted onto a kid trying to play hero or not learning anything from past mistakes. Don't ever forget that Teenage Abomination says "Listen to your mentor about their specialty," then The Intruder says "Don't take shortcuts to magic" before then in Adventure in the Elements, Luz takes a shortcut for magic while also not listening to Eda and almost gets people killed for it. GREAT JOB LUZ! Much development, such depth.

And yes, lots of shows will have characters yoyo and the like but these are within HALF A SEASON of each other. It usually takes a little longer for most animated shows to straight up start repeating lessons. Hell, yes, it is theoretically a problem for Amphibia too with stuff like Bessie and the hibernation episode both featuring Anne's impatience but also S1 is genuinely about how Anne is fighting between the lessons she's learning and her growing empathy versus how she used to be with her selfishness and laziness. Also, both episodes might be about her impatience but they genuinely tackle it in different ways, with one being about disregarding the rules because of overconfidence and the other one is out of boredom. For TOH... It's just that Luz wants the magic she thinks she should have, as easily and as fun as she thinks it should be instead of weird and actually taking work, and fucks it up because of that same motivation.

That same motivation that doesn't treat reality like reality. According to the show though, that's just the best way to be. Follow your own version, fuck everything else. That's what Luz gets to do in the end after all and she's the one literally blessed by God to be correct.

So yeah, I think her selfishness might be a touch rewarded.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[bluewhitehues]

Hug| Kim Mingyu - BONUS PART

(New readers you can read this one as one shot too if you want or you can read the whole story here- Masterlist )

Just like the lyrics of Hug, Mingyu is that Hug in your life.

Whenever it's hard [for you]

You can get a hug from me

I am the same

No matter how much you hide it

You know you can't hide it forever

So we can smile together

Don't be sorry

Don't worry

Don't be scared

Now don't cry

To me you are very precious

You can tell me today was tough

I am here, you suffered a lot

I love you

I will hug you

You wake up in the middle of a night from a scary dream which felt so real ..a piece of your heart felt broken after it..it was about Mingyu and you just want to see him and be near him right now. You fumble towards your phone and call him with shaky hands.

It's 3am and it hasn't been so long since mingyu fell asleep, his eyes go wide in worry when he sees your name on the screen, you never called him this late and you live alone. He was bound to get so worried.

"Can you come to meet me?I wanna see you please" You whisper as soon as he picks up the call.

"Angel? Are you ok did anything happen?" He asks Panicked after hearing your voice.

"Yeah just I'm not feeling well "

He notices your weak voice n promises to be there in 20 mins.

He was worried sick because you've never been like this.

As soon as he enters your apartment with the key you've given him, he goes straight to your bedroom finding you sitting on the bed with lost and teary eyes, he goes straight to you sitting on the bed cupping your cheeks immediately.

"Baby you scared me can you tell me what's wrong are you hurting anywhere?" ..he asks worried eyes roaming all over you.

You hug him instantly as if he'll disappear any second.

"I- I got a very very bad dream it felt so real and I never want anything like that to e-ever happen even in my dream" Your voice shaky from all the emotions you're feeling.

"Hey hey baby calm down please it was just a dream I'm here now hmm" He says stroking your back and head.

"Something happened and you just you just went away from me ..you disappeared and I was left alone all over again and I don't want that I I you mean a lot to me I don't want you to be away from me" ..you say sobbing...your crying increasing and he can't see you like that he has never seen you crying

"Bub I'm right here I won't leave you ever, you hear me .. why'd I ? you're so perfect, so lovely. I won't go away even if someone tried to snatch me away from you ..I'd fight the god for you if it ever comes to that..I'm never leaving you never" He repeats so you could register what he's saying, so you could understand him through your current state.

"It was just a dream you're ok,I'm ok ,I'm here with you see.." he grabs your hand putting it on his cheek while he's caressing yours ...he kisses your forehead repeatedly until you calm down.

You're crying so much he can't ever see you like this his heart is hurting so bad.

You're literally squeezing him in the hug and he's returning it he knows you need to feel him to believe it. He's not going away ..he's yours rightfully so ..you don't talk much about it but you both feel the strong connection you have otherwise there's no way you clicked in such a short time, always feeling like you got the missing piece of your puzzles always complementing each other in many things, like the way you understand each other, the way you get each other you just have to spill words and he would understand it.

Later that night after you calm down, he makes you drink water. Asks if you're ok now and pulls you on himself again, makes you sleep with your head on his chest so you could listen to his heartbeat. Tells you how much you mean to him. Keeps whispering i love you's. Keeps you close to him the whole time.

And promises himself not to let you sleep alone again ever, he wants to ask you to move in but he himself lives with wonwoo..so he decides on spending each night with you no matter what or how exhausting the day has been, you're the one he needs anyway ..to heal him at the end of the day.

A/N: wrote this back in February.

Wishing and praying for me and you all to get this type of love and comfort in our lives. We deserve to be loved like Hug Mingyu loves his lover :') 💘

[lacrimosathedark]

I need people to understand the actual concept of "pit madness" because so many people write Jason having side-effects years later, and just...that's not how that works.

So-called pit madness does happen, but it can describe either the short-lived insanity and strength that comes immediately after a dip in the Pit, or the mental side-effects of repeated prolonged use.

The initial aggression and insanity does not last long, and doesn't have noticeable side-effects down the line.

Proof of this is others that have used the Pit.

Joker used the Lazarus Pit. Instead of temporary insanity, he was temporarily sane. This was a whole story. That clearly hasn't remained, and his seeming inability to be killed is likely unrelated.

Cassandra Cain has been in a Lazarus Pit. She is still strictly opposed to killing and has never been particularly wrathful.

Dinah Lance has been in a Lazarus Pit. I haven't seen anything about Black Canary being stronger or more violent.

Talia even tested Jason over this; she was worried that the Pit or the sort of comatose state he was in previously damaged him and made him an indiscriminate killer when he began killing his teachers. But each one of them he had reasons for. Pedophile, terrorist, human traffickers, people who were irredeemable and also trying to commit crimes with Jason basically right there. Jason explained this to her, and Talia was proud of him.

As for the side-effects, it's pretty obvious when you look at Ra's and sometimes Talia's behavior. They seemingly can flip on a dime. They aren't wholly unreasonable, but it seems like one day they're pure evil and the next they're...not quite anti-heroes, but not outright supervillains. Ra's and Talia have used the Pits repeatedly to restore themselves over centuries, which while repairing the body, seems to deteriorate the mind.

Remember Jason went in the Pit once. He's not going to have those weird outbursts that Ra's does.

His eyes don't glow green, he doesn't go berserker and lose time and find himself covered in blood, nothing. Fanon has made this for Jason, which is weird when they don't do the same for literally anyone else.

So honestly I'd prefer if fanon ditched this whole concept, or shared it with other characters like Cass. Cass and Jason could have an interesting dynamic over it.

But yeah the "Pit madness" you see in fanfic is bullshit.

Oh, and Jason wouldn't have a Y incision from his autopsy. He wouldn't need an autopsy for one, but also the Pit would have healed all scars on his body before he was in there, including that one. So sorry, if Jason did have that scarring at any point, it's long gone, and Red Hood never had it.

[justanamesstuff]

I pretend that I'm not ready - Matty Healy x F!reader

Part 2 of this story, inspired by 'Why' - Shawn Mendes

A/N: Again very painful to write but I'm obsessed with this. I hope you guys like it!! let me know <3

Warnings: swearing, hurt feelings, mention of alcohol, cheating, typos.

Word count: 2.8 k

Blog Masterlist

I know a girl, she's like a curse

We want each other, no one will break first

So many nights, trying to find someone new

They don't mean nothing compared to her, and I know

Matty carried Y/n away from all the prying looks of the guests. He didn’t care about anyone else than her. Their conversation playing again and again inside his mind, trying to tear it apart, to find meaning behind her words, her face. 

Nathalie was behind him, he could hear the sound of her heels on the marbled floor. He felt bad to recognize he didn’t care if she traced behind him or not. All that Matty could think about was his friend’s pale face before falling into his arms. 

His pulse razing thinking of her state. She was in his arms but what was the cost? 

The first door that was unlocked, he pushed it open. An expensive couch occupying one of the corners of the room. Matty gently rested her unconscious body on the couch.

“Matty?” Nath closed the door behind her. 

“Yeah?” he was dry, distant. He didn’t intend to be harsh with his wife. ‘His wife’, his head turned to look at her. 

Matty saw how she studied him kneeling beside the couch, clenching his friend’s hand, “Is she alright?” 

“I’m not sure.” he couldn’t tear his eyes too long from her closed eyes, waiting she wakes up any minute.

“Maybe we should call one of the bo-” 

“No. I’m staying.” his words cutting her quickly.

“Matty, it’s our wedding.”

“She’s my best friend.”

“Believe me, I know.” she said.

Matty got angry, sensing the poison under her words, “What that supposed to mean?”

“I’m not stupid, Matthew.”

He closed and open his mouth repeatedly, unsure of the next sounds dropping from his lips. Nathalie didn’t see that. 

“Go back to the party, I’ll be there in a minute.”

She left without saying a word. 

******

“I’ll come to check on you.” Matty said, walking far from her, feeling his chest closing. 

“Fine.” her voice sounding like if she was under the water, unsure. 

Matty turned around, holding the door open, staring at her beautiful face still lacking a good colour. “See you in a bit, sweetheart.” he promised her. 

He walked along the halls, trying to find his way back to the salon. His mind was everywhere when she fainted, he couldn’t recall the path he took. Matty made the effort to clear his mind. It was his wedding day. 

“Baby.” Nathalie exclaimed, rounding her brother, so she was in front of Matty.

“Hey.” he said softly, letting his hands trace her waist. “I’m sorry.” he whispered.

She held his cheeks, staring into his eyes, “It’s fine. Is she okay?” 

“Yes.”

“Okay, let’s celebrate! I told Caleb to check on her.” 

Matty felt a protest in the back of his throat, even though the moment they shared before his friend wake up was tense enough. Nathalie was his wife, he had duties now. She would understand his position if he didn’t return for the night. 

“Perfect.” he mumbled, kissing her. 

When people ask about us, now, we just brush it off

I don't know why we act like it means nothing at all

I wish that I could tell you that you're all that I want, yeah

Matty emptied his glass of red wine. Dinners at his in-laws were a routine he dreaded, but Nathalie insisted on him spending time with her family. It’s not like he hated them, thing was that night he wanted to be in bed. The singer has spent hours on airports and planes coming home from the other side of the world. Nathalie greeted him with a kiss and a reminder. Matty made his attempt, tried to skip it, although she started saying the same words he already knew by heart. He wasn’t in the mood to hear her. 

He brought his phone out of his pocket. The cutlery against the plates, the women standing while the man watched them. Matty’s fogged mind trying to prevent his mouth to speak up about it. His finger moved by memory, searching for her contact number. She hadn’t answered in days, no new texts. He blocked his phone with a huff.

“Mate.” ‘I’m not your mate, I’m your sister’s husband, asshole’, Matty thought looking at Caleb, waiting for his next attempt of sentence. “What’s the name of your friend?” 

Matty gripped the cloth of his trousers harder than he should. He wanted to punch him. 

Her name wasn’t supposed to be on Caleb’s lips. Ever. He wasn’t the one for her. His friend’s name on Matty’s lips felt bittersweet. 

“Yeah, her. Do you know who she is, dad?” 

‘Pathetic’.

“No, who?” Nathalie’s father asked, changing his focus to stare at Matty.

Matty’s mouth dried before he could mutter a “My best friend.” 

“The one that fainted?”

“Her.” Caleb answered before Matty. “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but…” ‘if he had to add that last word, of course I’m taking it the wrong way’. “We talked when I went to check on her during your wedding. Didn’t have the chance to exchange numbers. I was wondering maybe you-”

“No.” Matty cut him short. The men stared at him with puzzled looks, Matty felt uncomfortable so he added, “I can ask her.” 

“Dessert!” his mother-in-law came with a big cake, interrupting the moment.

Nathalie sat back down beside him, taking his hand to her lap. “What were you talking about?”

“I-” Matty stared at Caleb.

His brother explained, “I was asking Matty for his friend’s number, as you suggested.” 

Matty turned to look at his wife. ‘She did what?’

Nathalie’s shoulders dropped, staring at Matty with a big pout. “Come on, baby! They would make a great couple.”

“I said, I’ll ask her.”

“It’s not a big deal. She’s your friend, he’s my brother. It is between the family.” she insisted.

“Nath-”

“Please.” she begged.

Matty took his phone out, hearing Nathalie squealed. 

I pretend that I'm not ready

Why do we put each other through hell?

Why can't we just get over ourselves?

And you say hi like you just met me

Why do we put each other through hell?

Why can't we just get over ourselves?

Why can't we just get over ourselves?

The ceremony of barbecues was a concept Matty couldn’t grab his head around. Even though it was one of the few times the men had to cook the main course. Matty kept his mouth closed, drinking from his beer.

Even when they were outside, all the air lacked when she entered the patio, followed by Caleb. After months, she was in front of him. After months, she was not only a creation of his mind, his memory. She was there. 

Caleb made her laugh, walking closer to Matty and his father-in-law. Matty felt the urge to punch him in the gut. He sipped from the bottle, studying her outfit. She looked perfect like never before. ‘She was happier without me in her life?’

When the new couple stood in front of the other men, she greeted the older man under the attentive sight of Matty. Her eyes on the person speaking and no one else. Matty wanted to jump or do something to catch her attention. 

“Okay, Caleb, help me out with the meat.” Nathalie’s father pronounced. The man in question looked between Matty and her as if he knew something Matty didn’t. He was his confident now, not him. Matty emptied the bottle.

They stood there, awkwardly.

“Maybe I should-” she gestured back to the house. 

“You disappeared from months. No texts back, don’t pick up my calls, nothing.” Matty rambled, looking down at the empty bottle. “And now you want to run back to your new boyfriend, huh?” his tone was bitter. 

“Matty.”

“I don’t understand.”

“There is nothing to understand.”

Matty caught her eyes, “You have to be messing with me, sweetheart.” the nickname foreign. 

“Please.”

“Yes, fucking please.” he begged at her, exasperated. “What went wrong? What did I do or not do?” 

“We can’t do this right now, Matty.”

She said after storming back into the house. He swore under his breath.

When I hear you sing, it gets hard to breathe

Can't help but think every song's about me

And every line, every word that I write

You are the muse in the back of my mind, oh

The barbecue during the day extended further than expected. It was after dinner, every adult around the table drunk and didn’t think about stopping soon. 

Matty’s father-in-law started laughing until the sound converted on a song, everybody except Matty joined. The singer shielded his face, especially his eyes, with his glass looking at her singing with Caleb’s arm around her shoulders. The whisky burning his throat, although he stopped feeling anything a long time ago when she walked out of his life.

Nathalie rested her head on his shoulders, he didn’t mind. His attention wasn’t on his wife.

His mind bringing back strange scenarios, memories really from another life when they were friends and young, lying on his bedroom floor. He used to beg her to sing for him, she refused every time. The only exception was when he was sick, only then she caved in giving him was he begged fighting the fever. 

She noticed his eyes on her, staring back as best as she could while being drunk. Matty’s heart stopped for a second. She pushed her glass up, toasting with him. For what? He wasn’t sure, but she was smiling at him…he didn’t care.

Don't want to ask about it 'cause you might brush it off

I'm afraid you think that it means nothing at all

I don't know why I won't admit that you're all I want

Matty opened the bathroom door without thinking. 

“Hey!” she protested, turning around, standing in front of the mirror. 

The state of both of them was something time before they would laugh about. Matty entered the small space and closed the door.

“What are you doin’ Matty?” she sounded defeated. 

“I can’t any more.”

Matty stood closer to her body, although no close enough. She folded her arms, trying to create some space between them. It was difficult. 

“Sweets.” he pleaded.

She couldn’t believe him. “What do you want, Matty?”

“Why you disappeared?”

“I-”

“Why you are with him?”

“Caleb?”

“Yes.”

“That’s not your business.”

“If it’s about you, it’s always…always my business, sweets.” the nickname made her weak. She shook her head, trying to find the right words. 

“Matty.” she tried.

The singer brushed her hair back, watching her taking in his factions, he was closer like never before. Matty’s friend bite down onto the plush meat of her bottom lip, grabbing his attention. The simple action drove Matty insane. 

“Don’t do this.”

“I can’t pretend any more.”

“What are you talking about?” 

“You know.” Matty let his nose brushed the tip of his nose with hers. 

“No, I don’t.”

Her name always sounded different on his lips, even though it always sounded special for some reason. 

“You’re playing with fire. This is wrong. I- We- I should get back…” 

She left again without giving him the chance to speak. 

I pretend that I'm not ready

Why do we put each other through hell?

Why can't we just get over ourselves?

And you say hi like you just met me

Why do we put each other through hell?

Why can't we just get over ourselves?

Fighting with your wife. ‘What a cliché’, Matty thought, making the car turn into a corner. 

Nathalie wasn’t happy with him touring even more than he promised we would during that year. Her anger with him being against having children was turning into resentment. At the same time, Matty care less and less every single day. 

He had been driving for more than an hour. He turned his phone off, so Nathalie couldn’t reach him, and he was avoiding going to the boy’s houses to give her fewer options even. 

The neighbours changed until his car moved around one he knew very well. Only one person he was familiar with lived there. He didn’t remember exactly the address of her new house with Caleb. Matty refused to visit them every time his wife tried to drag him there, she could drag him to hell but not there. 

Matty remembered the time they moved together. Well, the time she spoke about it during a Sunday lunch when Matty’s heart was stabbed. She looked directly into his eyes, saying it, as if she waited for his reaction. He did nothing.  

The moment inside the bathroom playing constantly in his mind. She was so close, he was so close to tell her. Every day, the urge to scream the words out from his rotting heart. 

He thought about her when he woke up, when he went to sleep, when he was away. The guilt to think about someone that wasn’t his wife. He was married, for fuck's sake. Matty didn’t care any more. 

It was almost midnight when his car turned around another corner and a familiar small car took his attention.

*****

Matty knocked and knocked on the front door like it was an emergency. 

“Coming…I’m coming!” she said from the other side of the door. He definitely woke her up, her voice strange after probably not using it for hours. 

The singer witnessed the moment she opened the door only wearing shorts and a big baggy shirt, her feet bare. 

“Matty?” 

“Hi, sweets.”

She peeked outside to both sides of the road, “What are you doing here?”

“Nathalie and I fought.”

“Oh.” she stayed there, not really knowing what to say or do. 

Matty scratched the back of his head, “Can I come in?”

“Matty…”

“Please.”

She sighed loud, turning around to stand inside, making movements with her hand, so he moved inside. Matty almost ran inside. 

He was aware Caleb wasn’t home, Nathalie had mentioned something about a trip or travelling for his job, he couldn’t recall. 

They moved to the living room, Matty sat on the big couch, taking in the decoration and the pictures around the fire place. He wasn’t on any of the pictured frames. 

Contrary to him, she decided to keep her distance. 

“What are you doing here?” she asked once more.

“I- I was driving around town. I don’t have a place to go.”

“So you just remembered my house?”

“Something similar.”

“How convenient.”

Matty pronounced her name, staring into her tired eyes. 

“Do you miss me?” he asked, suddenly, surprising even himself.

“I see you every Sunday of the month, Matty.”

“That’s not-”

Her mouth hang open, his eyes glutted to it, “What do you want me to say, Matty?”

“The truth.”

“Fuck you.”

He nodded. “I deserved that.” he admitted. “I do. I miss you like a crazy man, sweets.”

“Stop calling me that!” she wandered around the room.

“Why?” 

“‘Cause when you call me that, I remember all the men I’ve loved and lost.” her eyes shining with tears, meanwhile sense entered the singer’s mind.

“Sweetheart.” Matty stood up, she took a step back. 

“No.”

“You haven’t lost me.”

“I did.”

“You walked away from my life, sweets.” he reminded her.

Her eyes bored into his. “It was too much, Matty.”

“Why?”

She scoffed, ending in a chuckled. “Don’t you know?”

“Say it.” he dared her.

Matty walked closer and she let him invade her space. His hands coming to rest on her cheeks. He repeated his words again. “Say it.”

She looked between his eyes, “I loved you…my entire life. I love you for years, and you didn’t notice, you didn’t care.” tears burning in the corner of her eyes. “I watched you fell in love with…her. Hell, I watched you married her, Matty. I watched from the side, loving you to a point that almost drove me insane. I loved you to a point I didn’t do anything about it because you were so happy…so happy with her. My love is not selfish, I’m not selfish.”

“Am I?” Matty pushed his forehead into hers.

“Yes.” she protested. “I’m with Caleb, Matty. I found someone that loves me, truly does.”

His breath caressed her lips, exhaling, “Do you love him?”

She didn’t answer right away, his presence overwhelmed her, a big distraction. “Yes.”

“Did you stop loving me?” 

“Matty.”

“Because I don’t think I function without loving you.”

“This is not funny.” she tried to push back, away from him. Although, Matty was adamant about not letting her go. “All what I said and you just-” 

His lips crushing against hers, shutting his lover up in the sweetest way possible. Matty held the back of her head, pressing her mouth against his. The singer tried to pour into the kiss everything he was uncapable to tell her. Just how much she meant to him, how much he loved her, and how what they had was forever.

I know a girl, she's like a curse

We want each other, no one will break first

So many nights, trying to find someone new

They don't mean nothing compared to you

[railingsofsorrow]

you're my peace of mind

[regulus black x james potter]

summary: inspired by this post. or... in which james is anxious and regulus attempts to ground him with his touch.

pairing: j.potter x r.black (slightly friends to lovers, but this does not focus on romance)

w.c: 2.4K

warnings/content: discussion regarding anxiety + anxiety symptoms; anxiety medication; hurt/comfort.

A/N: hi I've been gone for a while but this idea helped me get back to writing. the way james is experiencing anxiety here is based on a personal experience, this is not how everyone who has anxiety reacts, people have different experiences. keep that in mind. anyway, enjoy this little oneshot :)

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Regulus is trying to pay attention to what the professor is explaining. He has been trying that for the past fifteen minutes. She's annotating something on the board, something important, probably. It will definitely be on her final exam. But he's too busy concentrating on the non-stop bouncing of James Potter's leg beside him to focus on the lecture, unfortunately.

Regulus is used to James's persona. He's restless. That is the exact adjective he uses to describe James whenever he has to. James is always doing something or looking for something to do. He can't stay still. Unless he's sleeping, then he doesn't move at all. Regulus doesn't understand how he can be so different in these two states but he stopped trying to understand James for a while now.

His mannerisms don't bother him to a great level anymore. They used to, sure. When he was eleven and the boy by his side stole all his older brother's attention to him. But thank god for communication and therapy because Sirius and him have quite a good relationship now. Healthy, you could say even. Perhaps due to their parents not being in the picture any longer.

Regulus warmed up to James. Well, he had to learn how to deal with him somehow because the prick couldn't stop following him around university after finding out he was also studying there and look at that! We share some classes together! Isn't that great, Reg?

No, it was, in fact, not great.

Until, well, Regulus warmed up to James.

It happened gradually. Nothing forced. Nothing fast. But at the right time. They became friends. Friends who occasionally sleep next to each other in bed. Friends who stare more than they should at each other. But, you know, friends.

Regulus enjoys James company. And it comes to a point where he recognises his walking through his apartment when he comes over unannounced. He has a spare key and he uses it whenever he feels like it. Regulus told him that wasn't a reason to use a spare key, James shrugged him off.

He knows James. He knows the way he blinks repeatedly when he's sleepy and the way he hates wearing shoes when he's home so he just walks around with the most ugly looking colourful socks ever.

He knows the bouncing of his leg when he's bothered by something. It's different when he's anxious. Even after several years of entering a common agreement that they are friends and that they can share anything with each other — James told him that himself in a particularly bad day of self isolation for Regulus. — James insists on hiding his hardships from Regulus. Or from anybody else, really. It's harder to do that to Sirius, because it's like James and Sirius share a fucking limb and can understand what's going on through countries away.

Something or someone made his anxiety spike up today. Regulus doesn't know which of the options it is yet, he has a hunch but he is not certain. Not that it matters, he can tell him the reason later when they're alone. Or not. It really doesn't matter.

It's understandable that James Potter's love language is touch. He's clingy. He likes holding hands and hugs from behind and intertwining legs during a movie marathon. He likes touch. It's comforting for him. Which is why Regulus slips his hand beneath their desk, head tilted forward towards the professor so she wouldn't call their attention — if she cares. Which she doesn't — halting right before reaching James's bouncing knee to squeeze softly.

It doesn't take two seconds for the bouncing to stop.

He keeps his hand there, drawing invisible patterns against the fabric of his jeans as he writes down something he considers important with his unoccupied hand. He hears the screeching of the chair moving beside him and James' warmth is finally inserted into his personal space. Their elbows are bumping from how close they are now, but Regulus doesn't care because James sinks his head into his shoulder. His thick curls caressing and tickling the side of his neck.

“James,” Regulus hushed out more urgently this time. “Are you okay?” And is such a dumb question. He knows that, he knows it is stupid to ask that to someone who's currently anxious for a reason he doesn't know but it was what got out.

James takes a hot minute to answer. The professor is wildly gesticulating with her hand and his ears are ringing. He shuts his eyes for a moment, maybe it would stop. “'m fine.”

“You're a shitty liar.” Regulus says, raising his hand to touch the back of his arm, seeking for the part of his body that always reveals the truth to him. He receives the verdict upon touching his hand. Clammy. “Do you want to leave?”

“We have five minutes left.”

“I don't care.”

“It's not that bad.” James blinks fast, raising his head from Regulus' shoulder. He was almost dozing off with his perfume grounding him to peace. James doesn't need his meds when Regulus is close to him. He feels a hundred percent recharged already.

Regulus lets him think he bought the excuse. When class is over, the stern voice at his ear is so damn near his neck that James might pass out. Really, what is he trying to do, get him to fold right over? James was about to do that. He would do anything for Regulus. So he stayed sat down as every other student exited the room. The annoyingly white room, filled with annoyingly bright lights that made his head pound and pound and— He's so thirsty. He forgot his water bottle. He forgot a lot of things today. He can't forget things, he's disrupting his own routine like that and routines are good, they are controlled and he can control them. Fuck, what was he supposed to do this afternoon?

He's in his dorm before he can realise.

The first thing he notices is that it is silent. His dorm is never silent, not with Sirius voice echoing off the walls whenever he's present, which is not the case now. James is guilty to admit he's happy, he loves his best friend to the moon and back but he needs silence now.

James calculates for how long he will get silence by Regulus' antsy movements around the room. What's he doing?

“Where are your pills, James?”

And that's when James’ whole body freezes. Oh. So maybe when Regulus told him that one time he knows him it is because he really knows him.

James is a smart boy, you see. He's organized — according to Regulus he's bit of a mess with organisation but to him, he is organised, okay! — he's good at sports and he likes exercising. He's athletic. He can't stay still. Why should he? If he has so much to do. What he does not like is having to stop doing the things he enjoys because his body is forcing him to rest. He doesn't want to rest. He doesn't want to stop thinking because how could he? He has so much to do and he doesn't have enough time! He needs things to be ready beforehand. James is good with deadlines. He never once delivered an assignment after it was supposed to do. James is never late, he's always on time. He's responsible. The thing is: he can't do all of this when he's taking a medication that makes him feel slow and numb. No. James is fast and full of energy and he's never late. But he can't control things when he's taking those pills so he doesn't want to take them anymore. He gets to decide that, right? He's an adult. Twenty-two years old, in college, living with his best friend, completely head over heels for his best friend's little brother... James is all grown up now, he gets to make his own decisions.

He misses his mum. He wished she could make his decisions sometimes, she has always been good with that. God, he misses everything. His old personality. His parents. His high school days. He misses being a kid and not having to deal with half the shit his head puts him through nowadays. He figures he doesn't like himself as he used to.

“Did you toss them into the toilet again?”

James moves his arm from his face, eyes fluttering slowly as his blurry vision adjusted enough to see the black haired figure open and close his drawers in a hastily manner.

“Don't need them.” James whispered stubbornly. “Come here, Reg. Cuddle me.”

“I will when you tell me where they are.” Suddenly, he halted in the middle of the room, slowly turning towards James on the bed. “James, did you run out?”

“Those stupid pills don't keep me from having anxiety attacks, you know that, right?” James sighs. “They're not useful at all.”

“They help you so they are useful.”

“I don't feel better with them.”

“Yes, you do.” Regulus fights back, shaking his head. “Have you been sleeping well? Have you been focusing? And don't lie, I know the answer to all of these questions.”

James shifts, running a hand through his face. He picks up his glasses that are on the bedside table and puts it on. Regulus is sitting at the edge of the bed, a few of his curls dangling on his forehead, barely touching his lashes. He likes that his strands have grown longer, he looks incredibly.... Ah. James can't do that.

“They're in the box inside my wardrobe.” He relents, watching Regulus immediately seek the hidden spot. James places his arm beneath his head, supporting it. He's not dizzy anymore, maybe it's the room with less people and less bright lights. That must have helped.

Regulus walks back to bed, the little prescription bottle between his fingers. The bed moves as he sits down again and James pointedly avoids looking at the vial.

“Withdraw is worse.”

James hums softly, pulling one of the boy's hands to him, holding it to his chest. Regulus lets him, but his serious look makes the situation slightly uncomfortable.

“James.”

“m' sorry.” James bit the inside of his cheek, big brown eyes drowning in grey ones. “I just don't like them.” He admits quietly. He feels weak. A coward. He shouldn't have to need those.

“I don't like mine either.” Regulus is surprised every time he catches himself spitting out some deep dark secret he swore he'd never say out loud. But it's James. And James would never use it against him, not like his parents did. James is kind and one of the strongest people he has met. He hates seeing him like this, thinking he can take on everything on his own. You don't have to. I'm right here. “But I'd rather take them than feel like that again.”

James wished he didn't know what like that meant, but he's seen it with his own eyes and it terrifies him a bit to know what it was like for Regulus before he actually started to take care of himself, before he decided that it was worth it to get help.

“I'm sorry,” James mumbles under his breath, feeling guilt gripping his heartstrings at the thought of his actions triggering Reg in some way. He didn't want that, that was never the intention.

“James.”

Regulus sits down beside him, the bottle of pills left aside so he could slip both of his hands into his, bringing him closer. James moved towards him as if being pulled by some magnetic force; he did always craved for Regulus' warmth.

“There is nothing wrong with you. Taking medication is not a sign of weakness, it just helps you to ground yourself. It helps with the symptoms that can be unbearable sometimes. Like it got today.” James observes the way Regulus caress his knuckles gently. He gets distracted by his voice and he feels like drifting off just at being close to him. Regulus. Why would he need any anxiety medication when he has Regulus? “James.” His attention is brought back by his angelic voice and his grey-blue eyes.

“Hi.”

Regulus smiles and James feels like he died and came back to life again. He's in heaven and he doesn't believe in hell when there's an angel right in front of him, proving him that peace exists.

“There's nothing wrong with you.” Regulus says it as a promise, hand lifting to touch James's cheeks, traveling his permanently cold fingers across the skin. James tilts his head and his lids drop. He leans forward and Regulus brings him in by a nudge at the back of his neck, James's nose burying in his shoulder. “Did you hear me?”

James hums, his curls tickling Regulus' neck as he manages to nod in agreement.

“Now say it while meaning it.”

James huffs out a laugh in surprise, which drags a grin out of Regulus. “What?” The dazed tanned boy asks, big brown eyes studying Regulus's features curiously.

“Say that there is nothing wrong with you.”

James blinks slowly, “I— Well. There is always something wrong with everyone, isn't there?”

Regulus quirks up a brow and James immediately clips his mouth shut.

“Fine. There is nothing wrong with me, Reg.” James rolls his eyes, lower lip jutting out in dismay.

Regulus seems satisfied. “That's good enough for now. I'll make sure you actually mean it someday.” He stands up and James misses his body as a dehydrated man misses water in a desert.

“Where are you going?”

Regulus closes the wardrobe door then walks towards the bedside table, placing the orange bottle right above one of the books Regulus had recommended to James recently — this one is a collection of poems, he wonders if he's enjoying it.

“We are going out,” Regulus says, turning around to face James, whose body is being supported by his elbows on the bed. He decides he can convince him to start the medication again tomorrow. Today, he would help him take the edge off.

James makes one of the expressions that Regulus relates to a puppy, completely endearing and Regulus can't help but smile. “C'mon, Potter. Get your butt up. And grab a jacket, it's chilly out there.”

“I never get cold.” James comments, jumping out of the comfort of his bed to follow Regulus wherever he wants him to. He grabs his jeans jacket on his way out. “But if I do, you can just—”

“James. Shut up.”

“— warm me up.” James offers him a cheeky grin to which Regulus' reaction was to slap his shoulder. James is still able to see the red flush on his cheeks as they walk out of the dorm room and he likes it.

[bird-inacage]

Frankly speaking I have a completely different take on Sands behaviour at the end of ep 11. While it's true that Sand is a kind person it's stated repeatedly in the show that Sand always chooses to set up boundaries (with harsh words and actions of ignoring contact attempts) if Ray has done some shit. Sand is only not able to maintain the boundaries if one is persistent and knocks on it repeatedly. That's why Ray went feral and choose confrontation by inviting Boeing over so that Sand has to be clear even at the risk of loosing Sand if he states that he is still hung up on Boeing. Ray was hurt because over the evening Sand has spoken only two weak sarcastic sentences to Boeing and in the end offers him friendship. In Rays logic how can Sand do this if he bluntly denied Ray friendship at the beginning of ep 8. At that time Sand closed of, they weren't a thing when Ray started to attempt to date Mew. But Boeing dumped Sand which in Sands eyes should be seen as a bigger hurtful action than what Ray did and despite that Sand still wants to be friends with Boeing. I assume Ray thinks that Sands lingering feelings for Boeing is still so strong that he is way more lenient towards Boeing than he was to Ray and that's what he cannot accept and got him fuming hence the invitation. Ray was ready to burn all the bridges equal to his outburst in ep 6, he is just not as loud and screaming because this time he is sober.

Hello Anon,

No worries, it's completely fine if you do. It's always interesting to me to hear how other people have interpreted the scenes.

Firstly, I agree that Sand does try to set boundaries but often struggles to maintain them. Boundary-setting in relationships is almost always fuelled by emotion. Because of that, Sand tends to fail because he's empathetic. He doesn't like hurting people, no matter how detrimental the consequences may be on him in return.

In my opinion Ray is refreshingly sober in this scene. I don't see his choice to invite Boeing home as being feral, impulsive or an attempt to burn bridges like he did in Episode 6. Rather, I think Ray does so with a game plan in mind, in order to seize control from Boeing pulling all the strings. He wants to test Boeing on his terms and on his turf. I also don't think that by doing so, Ray is accepting the risk of losing Sand by forcing him to choose between them. Ray's entire arc in Episode 10 and 11 focused on him realising just how much Sand means to him and how much Sand's done for him. He literally says he can't live without him. So Ray's not prepared to lose Sand at all. Especially not now. Regardless of whether Sand still has any residual feelings for Boeing or not - Ray is going to fight for him, not surrender.

Secondly, if we're trying to deem whose actions were more hurtful (towards Sand) between Ray and Boeing, and whether that justifies Sand's reactions, it's not as simple as just comparing the two. Boeing and Ray are very different people. Ray is brash, confrontational and brutally honest. Whereas Boeing seems cool, considered, and deceptive. How Sand approaches each person will vastly differ. The way he handles Ray is coloured by previous experience. Having been hurt before by Boeing, Sand will be more defensive to being hurt once again. If Sand's behaviour with Boeing appears more 'lenient', this doesn't necessarily mean he's still in love with him, or that he loves Ray any less.

(I wouldn't take Sand's comment of offering Boeing friendship too seriously. That very much felt like Sand's way of being polite).

There's a huge difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Ray himself has said, "But Mew is important to me. It's not easy for me to get over him." If it turns out that Sand is also struggling to do the same with Boeing - Ray's not going to be very happy about it, but I'd like to think that he of all people should understand what that's like.

To me, Ray's anger is largely because he can detect that Boeing has sinister intentions, intentions that exploit Sand's good nature. And Sand appears unable to deter Boeing completely on his own, whether that's because of their history, or for other reasons we are yet to see. This is where Ray feels it necessary to intercede in order to protect both Sand and their relationship.

---birdie

[snifflesthemouse]

Readers, we need to have a talk...

This author must clarify a few things before one can feel comfortable moving forward. While this author values every single reader, whether critic or fan, it is important to understand a few things.

I have been following this craptastic royal saga since 2016. I have read the darkest of rumors, and I have researched most every lead I can. I've been able to find their mortgage documents and how they put their house in a trust owned by City National. I have even posted them here. I've also posted a ton of their business documents and movements. Evidence is king.

I have researched her degree from Northwestern and know for a fact there is no such thing as a dual-degree. I even have the college catalog for courses pre-2008 showing you couldn't get a dual degree with international studies and theatre. Theatre was her major. But everything out there is suspisciously filtered. Does this author believe there have been manipulations made? Absolutely... but I am getting off track here.

The whole point of this post is to explain to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU LOVELY PEOPLE that I have heard, read, and seen it all. I am well aware what people say about those children. I am well aware of all the videos of the swaying moon bump. I have seen all the stuff. Remember, Ashli was a dear friend (in the sense we knew one another online).

I would actually recommend people go back and watch all of her videos, as she brought a lot of good intel to light. Some of it though, was a little out there.

If Ashli were alive right now, she'd be the one on the TVs. Not the other people we see, as she called most all of this stuff long before most. But again, I am off track.

The whole point of my post is to say that I am well aware of more than I write about. There is a reason I don't repeat those things.

There are reasons I don't repeat those rumors that Markus and Meghan have Harry blackmailed into a threesome. Or the rumors that Markus fathered the two kids via surragate as Harry is sterile. Rumors that the Clintons or the NWO put Meghan in place to destroy the Monarchy. Or the rumors Doria was a drug dealer in prison. FYI... I HAVE HEARD WORSE. FAR WORSE.

I've heard rumors that Doria killed her own father to take his home and buy out her half-brother. I've also heard the Royal Family are shape-shifting Reptilian demons who pass their spirits down into the next generation, that Diana was forced into a ritual by Lady Furmoy where the Queen and Philip essentially planted a seed in her or some nonsense (That is a sloppy, most-errored recalling).

There is so much more I could say, but I don't and won't.

My glasses aren't darkened or muddied...

If you don't understand by now how I operate, let me tell you. I use their behaviors to call them out for conning techniques that are tricks of the conning trade. I write about the things I have PROOF to write about. If I don't have proof, I STRESS REPEATEDLY AS DONE BEFORE THAT IT IS HEARSAY AND RUMOR.

If you don't like what or how I write, that is your right as a human being. I could care less. I'm not here to bend my blog to people too lazy to write one for themselves.

The insane stories make the stories that are probably true even muddier. Repeating the craziest of the conspiracy theories take away from our credibility.

All of those stories could be true, but I choose not to accuse other people of being drug dealers when I have searched the public records that all convicted felons cannot escape... each state determines what felonies can be expunged, and most times... they aren't capable of being expunged. Especially drug charges.

There is a difference between me seeing one of them using actual conartist tricks to manipulate others, and then exposing that... and me just repeating what others have already said.

Now, I feel my readers deserve fresh content and perspective that looks at the truth of both of them and who they are. I am experienced, and I am credentialed in human behavior.

I used to be experienced and behaviored in spewing nonsense that sounds like a coke binge, but I refuse to do that here.

Do you all not deserve better from me?

If that is your schtick and you want to do that, I will gladly read and support you for it. WE all have the right to say or express whatever we want.

And if that is the vibe I do send, maybe it's time for me to stop writing on this blog at all.

I'm not bashing anyone, but don't come on here telling me what you think I know or don't. There are reasons I write the way I do, and I am perfectly content with it. If you aren't, gladly remove this blog from your list and have a wonderful day!

That is all.

[1rsoldiersince2012]

Bound by Law (Matt Murdock x Reader)

Words: 2420 (chapter 14)

Summary:

You and Matt met in the courtroom. Now, you may think that Matt was a knight in shining armour and defended you in the name of all United States laws, but that was not the case. Matt was totally destroying your client, and you wanted to tear him into pieces right then and right there, because with Murdock as your rival, your head is on the firm's plate with each case. Did Matt care? No, he only cared about bringing justice, he was a human-machine, driven by the need to bring righteousness no matter the cost. Or was he just that? What happens when you get involved in Fisk's business and Daredevil's lies against your will?

UPDATES EVERY FRIDAY

Find my other accounts on ao3 and wattpad! <3

ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1rSoldierSince2012

wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/user/1rsoldierSince2012

14. Back When It All Made Sense

Matt was furious and felt like he was literally burning inside. Pretending to be calm while he left the radar of your car, he pulled into an alley known only to him and probably some drug addicts, he stopped and started breathing through his nose like an angry bull. The dumpster became a scapegoat to absorb all Matt's anger, which he vented by hitting the side of the dumpster repeatedly until he felt the metallic smell of blood in the air and on the tip of his tongue. Todd had to yet to face the wrath of the devil, but here Matt faced a problem - neither he knew how this scumbag looked, nor he knew where he lived. He can't ask Foggy to find him. In fact, he can't ask anyone at all.

After leaning face towards the wall for a while, and releasing a long breath, a thought finally occurred: what would someone like Todd do on Friday evening? Go to a bar and try to get laid. He remembered you mentioning Josie's, so perhaps luck will be on his side again tonight.

Yes, Matt called you in his arms, even for a moment, luck. He couldn't deny anymore that he felt the need to breathe in your expensive perfume once again, he couldn't lie to himself that you were his biggest mystery now. He wanted nothing more than to hold you tight in his arms and protect you from this world, although you were more than capable enough to kick someone's ass if needed. 

Matt slightly shakes his head to himself and finally pulls away from the cold wall, wiping the bloody knuckles into a handkerchief and making himself presentable again. He had to focus on how to make Todd pay. He could just beat the shit out of him, but it would be too suspicious on how he learned about the whole thing and Matt would push you into a very uncomfortable situation, again. Slowly dragging his feet back to his apartment, Matt was debating on his choices and weighting each outcome, convincing himself that he would do the same for anyone else, although deep down inside he knew that all this effort was only for you.

*** 

Not in the mood for food, only for alcohol and still burning with anger, you were lost on the Internet, reading and re-reading the legislation, all which you knew almost by heart. Kitchen turned out to be once again the best place for work, although personal matter shouldn't be called work, you treated it like another case, because you knew how quickly feelings got the best of you. 

A couple of hours later, you managed to pull out some good stuff, and decided to call your dad. Just for assurance, you told yourself. Although, you just wanted to talk to someone who understood you better than anyone else. Three rings later, a rough voice was finally heard in your ear:

"Yeah?"

"Hey, dad, it's me." you smile immediately.

"Oh, hey, honey."

"You still didn't put the names on your contacts, right?" You tease and a heavy sigh on the other side is heard along with your mother's laughter somewhere far away.

"You know that I don't understand how to use that damn thing."

"Dad, you're not that old to not know how to use a smartphone."

"I only use this because you gifted it to me. Through mail, by the way." He scolds slightly, not letting you forget that you haven't found enough time to visit them in the past couple of months.

"Dad, I already apologized like a million times, complain to Hogarth for giving me a case on your birthday."

"I don't care about that woman, I only care about my daughter, who has the audacity to not visit her parents and hides behind her work." 

Now it's your turn to sigh heavily, and take out a beer bottle out of the fridge. "Dad, I'll come for the Holidays, I promise... Maybe even earlier, since I no longer work regularly." 

"What do you mean by that?" The interrogation skills from years working in the police force kick in, and you hear a change in his voice, which becomes strict and professional. 

"They offered me a new way of working. I work as a sort of assistant now." You sigh again, opening the beer bottle loudly, which doesn't go unnoticed by your dad.

"What's in it for you?"

"They promised to pay more."

"Have they?"

"I only started like a week ago, or maybe later..." you try to remember how long ago you were brought into another affair in the firm, feeling like all the days are the same and nothing makes much sense, "it doesn't matter, honestly." You finish desperately before you concern your father any further.

"I'm sure they are afraid to lose you now, especially after that trial was shown on a TV."

That meant - I'm really proud of you, daughter, but my manliness won't allow me to be so expressive. However, you had to admit, your mother managed to soften your dad a little over the last couple of years. 

"Yeah, I guess... Listen, dad, I'm kind of dealing with a case now-"

"On a Friday evening, you should be going out, y/n!" Your mother shouts loudly in your ear, and you almost drop your phone on the counter.

"Jesus, mom, no need to shout, it's a new phone."

"She's telling the truth, I want to live up to see your husband." Your dad says in a scolding tone again, and you roll your eyes slightly.

"So you could put him in a cell on our wedding night?"

"My biggest dream, that's for sure." 

"Dad, I thought you got rid of that dream, I'm not 17 anymore."

"Doesn't change the fact that I can easily do it, all I have to do is call Robert, and he would deal with everything." He huffs a laugh, and for a moment your thoughts wander to Robert - a boy from your neighbourhood, who thought of your dad as a hero, after he managed to put in jail the biggest gang of the 90s, and said that one day he'll be just like him. 

"Robert? How's he doing?" You ask cautiously, not trying to raise suspicions on why you suddenly became so interested in the man from the precinct. 

"He's actually running for sheriff's office in Brooklyn."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, chances are big he's going to win, so much charisma in one place just can't go unnoticed. In fact, I saw him the other day." 

"Really? You what, went to Brooklyn?" You laugh.

"It's not as far as you imagine, kid, a couple of hours in the car, and you're in the Bronx. Rob came to visit us." Your father falls silent, and you know what that silence means - the guy bothered to come all the way from Brooklyn, and you can't come from Hell's Kitchen.

"What was the occasion? Meeting the force buddies? I thought Robert was too young for those things." You huff a laugh and take a big gulp of cold beer, savouring the feeling of it going down your throat.

"No, he came by to visit, asked about you too. I assume you're no longer in touch after what happened." He says this as a statement, not a question, and it takes you a moment to realize that this was just a disappointing tone.

"Yeah, I thought you already knew that, 5 years have passed since I last saw him." You say, saddened a bit.

"You do remember that you were merely a guest at home during college, right?"

"Yes, dad, I do." You sigh again, this phone call turned out to be more depressive than you expected.

"He's grown into a nice man." Of course, your dad always wanted you to marry Robert, and obviously he wasn't going to let go of that thought any sooner.

"What'd you tell him?" You disregard the last statement swiftly, closing the computer with Todd's mugshot-like photo on the screen.

"I told him that my dear daughter is so busy that she forgot her old man-"

"Daaad, please-"

"I also gave him your contacts, because he wanted to visit you."

"You- what?" You stand up from the stool, and start pacing in the kitchen.

"Listen, you have to open yourself up for others, enough time has passed."

"I am opening myself to others... At least starting to." You softly bang your fist against the cold window, enjoying the dull sound, thoughts wandering to Matt, then to James for a split second.

"Just... Be nice to him if he comes, although he's quite busy with the campaign now. Remember, he was there for you when-"

"Okay, okay, got it, not to be myself then. Dad, I..." You inhale sharply, realizing that this conversation is no longer in your favour. "I'll visit you sometime, goodnight."

"Think about what I said, night." He turns off his phone, and you drop yours on the counter loudly, cooling off before you have another breakdown.

*** 

"So, I told him, either you stop whining like a baby and show them that you're the man I presented to the court, or you rot in jail for 10 years, guess what he chose." The annoying voice stands out among the chatter of the full bar, and Matt puts his focus on it for a moment, leaning on the chimney on the rooftop of Josie's building. 

Few seconds later, a soft voice of a woman answers, "the first option, right?"

"See, honey, you're smart, not only beautiful, but have brains too, because poor Charlie didn't have any." The man fakes a sigh, and then laughs, "that idiot really chose jail, just because he thought that his wife would forgive him in the end."

"Listen, Todd, maybe we should call it a night, I'm not really feeling this place."

Matt smirks, jackpot.

"I paid for three drinks, and now you're not feeling it?" Todd fires up.

"I told you before, I was getting ready to leave-"

"Whatever, just get out of my sight." Todd snaps suddenly, the girl hesitates to do anything. "LEA-ve" he lowers his voice mid-word, but the girl flinches nonetheless, quickly grabbing her things and leaving the table. "Bitch." Todd scoffs when he's left alone again, and finishes his drink, "who cares about them when I got eyes on the big prize."

Matt clenches a fist, intently listening to where Todd is going, already creating scenarios of him lying and begging for mercy. Todd chooses to take the main street, avoiding dark alleys, and hoping to catch a girl on his way home. Matt slightly curses under his breath, yet decides to follow him through the rooftops. 

*** 

Robert. Your first 'love', the embodiment of goodness and a perfect guy to grow old with, and practically every girl's dream. Yet, you didn't find it in your heart to love him back as much as he loved you. Friends since childhood, you spent every day together until he confessed to you his love in high school.

Robert was your father's favorite kid in the neighborhood, of course, after you, although sometimes you felt that he preferred Robert's presence to yours. How could you say no to Robert, when he came to your garden with a bouquet of wildflowers that he picked on his way from the old lady on the corner of the street, and he said that he'll love you forever? How could you say no, when you knew that your father was watching you through the window? How could you possibly say no to Robert when he was your father's favorite? How could you say no, when you wanted to please your father with 'good' and 'mature' decisions?

Even now, all those years later, you blamed it on yourself, breaking poor man's heart, not once, but twice, you didn't have a will to meet him again, because you knew that he will soften you just like he did before.

You didn't even feel how half of beer was already gone, and your computer was about to die, and Matt was making a plan on how to approach Todd, because the latter was just a block away from his apartment. And James? Long forgotten today, was making another deal for Fisk, taking all the work so he could get his mind away from you.

Suddenly you felt as if you were in the middle of everything - Hell's Kitchen, New York, hell, even in the middle of world, knowing that every decision will lead to another problem, no matter what you choose. The curse of knowing that you still can't cross over yourself and finally open up for love, instead of running away from it, because you were simply hurt too deep.

You dreaded the thought of seeing Robert again. You know that he asked your father to tell him everything about you, and knowing how welcomed Robert was in that house, it wasn't too hard. Why did he decide to do it now, after all those years that  you spent fighting your hardest battles alone and needed a shoulder to lean on more than ever? Why now when your life was finally going the right way?

You chuckle to yourself. The answer to the first question was as clear as the night sky in Hell's Kitchen - you were the one who pushed him away, and then convinced yourself that he wasn't interested in you anymore, because that hurt far less than the truth. You caught the thrill, as bad as this sounds, and just couldn't imagine yourself living in the suburban house with three kids and a perfect police officer Robert, who would take out all his awards to show at any given chance. The thrill haunted you throughout the college, suppressed and hungry, it was about to be unleashed with the person you only saw through eyes of burning rage, until now.

***

Luckily for Matt, Todd lived on the floor closest to the roof. What really put a smile on devil's face was the habit of Todd's - not smoking inside, instead, he went on the rooftop, and that was his biggest mistake of the evening.

Just as Todd closed the door of the corridor, he wasn't met with the cool air of the night, instead, he was met with a punch to his face, which briefly knocked him out.

Matt squats in front of groaning Todd, "let's have a chat, shall we?"

[figs-and-cigs]

Boundaries, Rules, and Agreements.

This is probably one of my favorite topics regarding relationships, not just in polyamory. I've spent a lot of time recovering from codependency and having a working understanding of these things definitely made my polyam journey easier.

I like to define Boundaries as guidelines to protect myself. They're simply things I do to take care of my sanity, health, finances, and peace. They're not lines drawn in the sand, nor are they a way to control others. They can be flexible depending on the situation.

For example, one boundary I have for myself is that I don't answer the phone after midnight. There are occasions though where I'm awake at 3am unable to sleep, and a friend calls while they're struggling. If I have the spoons there's a chance I'll answer. If my kiddo calls, I'll answer. I don't need to state this boundary. I just do it.

Rules are often posed as trying to control another person's behavior. In my unhealthy relationships rules were often my way to try and control the situation. "No more drinking at home!" The problem is I can't control another person.

In a healthier relationship I'd like to think of 'rules' as Agreements. Things that both parties have discussed and agreed to follow. It's important to note that at any time someone can want to change the agreement but this is something both parties have to discuss. In my healthy relationship we have agreements that we won't allow anything to impact our kiddo/family schedule. We also have an agreement that we don't bring partners to our home - but this will change if we move and have a spare bedroom. We also have financial agreements - who pays what amount and which bills. Along with basic housekeeping agreements.

Since I've been ranting about my break up lately. I had brought up many times that my schedule was going to change. Each time she had asked for us to discuss it later. Which was fine. Of course I'm willing to discuss it. Unfortunately her desire to discuss it later began to sound more like avoidance.

When my schedule did change I had to take the time to decide how much I needed to prioritize this schedule change. Could I be flexible? Were there agreements I'd be willing to work on. At first my answer was yes, and I was willing to have an open dialogue about it.

But anytime I broached the topic she deflected. It was when she told me to plan the next date on the day I was trying to change that I finally decided this needed to be a boundary. I very simply said, "I can't do that day anymore." Period. The end. Ok not the end - I gave lots of explanations for WHY, but that wasn't necessary.

While she seemed to ignore that boundary and kept pressing for the days I stated I couldn't do, I was frustrated.

But the reminder for me is that, no one can cross my boundaries but me. Regardless of her expectations for me to make arrangements for that day - it was ultimately on me to say no.

Just because someone calls me after midnight doesn't mean I have to answer. If I say I'm going to bed at 11, it doesn't matter if my husband decides to sit on the couch and watch a movie. It's up to me to go to bed. If I've used my restaurant budget for the month, it's on me to tell my date that I can't take the check this time if we're planning to go out to eat. If my comet asks to meet me on a day I can't do because kiddo has a game, it's on me to say I have to plan for another night.

Of course when someone keeps pressing against a boundary I've tried to set - I need to take time to analyze if this is something I'm willing to accept. Am I ok to have to repeatedly say no? I probably have an undefined limit with that.

When it comes to Agreements/Rules, there is an understanding that if someone finds the agreement unacceptable both parties will discuss an addendum. One example was that we didn't want kiddo to be introduced to our partners. When there was a family friendly event with our poly group, hubby and I discussed going. Kiddo did meet one of my partners who was introduced as a friend. The rule changed some. Vanilla family friendly events are fine, as long as our partners and free understand we don't talk about our relationship structure with kiddo. (Don't get me wrong, kiddo does have basic understandings of what poly is, but no need for her to stress about my relationship with her step dad.)

If someone breaks and agreement without discussion first - this leads to more discussions. Why did they do it? Does this mean the rule/agreement is unacceptable to them? Does it mean that it's not possible to uphold? What adjustments needs to be made? A break in trust may or may not mean and end to the relationship- just like pressing against boundaries.

I think the most difficult piece for me is deciding when these discussions need to take place. I don't like setting up too many safe guards for "the possibility of something going wrong!" To me this creates a lot of inflexibility on the basis of fear and anxiety. I believe the need will often present itself and then we know to discuss it.

I didn't realize I needed a boundary around when I answer the phone until I was up every night arguing with my (now ex) partner. I didn't realize I was uncomfortable with having other partners in my home and bed until the possibility came up. The discussion of sexual safety always comes up before engaging in sex. Etc.

This turned out longer than I meant it to - as do most of my ranting writing nonsense.

[redtalksaboutstuffandthings]

Anime Ramble 2: Banana Fish is mid

So, once again I'm going to use this empty blog to ramble incessantly about something that only matters to me. Specifically, the gay romance in a crime thriller anime. It took up my thoughts all day, today, and if I don't write them down I'm going to explode.

Banana Fish was written in the 1980's, but received an anime adaptation in 2018. And having watched the whole thing through, I fully believe that the story was written in the 80's. It has a very 1980's idea of what gay people look like and do, and I mean that in all the worst ways.

(Content Warning: Sexual Assault, Pedophilia, Homophobia. It's a deep hole we're going down.)

Banana Fish is the story of Ash Lynx, a runaway mafia hitman with a 200 IQ who is a crack shot with a revolver, spends his free time at the New York Central Library, and whose kill count exceeded his age somewhere around the time he was 15. His romantic interest is Eiji, Japanese photographer and the show's resident Very Good Boy.

Ash is gay. Or at least, that's how he's presented. He has an estranged relationship with his father, which apparently happened sometime after Ash was repeatedly assaulted by an adult, when he was eleven, and Ash was eventually forced to kill his abuser. Why is Ash's father so distant and harsh, even though he knows all of the stuff that happened to his youngest son? Unsure. The show asks the question, and there's a slight hint that a reconciliation is possible, but ultimately Ash's father isn't on screen long enough to provide a clear answer.

If I were a cynical person, I would point out that "a history of being a sexual abuse victim" and "an abusive father figure" are two very common "reasons" given by bigots who want to explain why gay people exist and why their state of mind is a mental health issue. This would have been especially true in the 80's, where homosexuality was only recently removed from the DSM as a mental disorder. However, I'm not a cynical person. I'll just assume that the writers just didn't have enough time to give us a compelling reason.

ASH AND EIJI ARE CUTE TOGETHER, I GUESS

The relationship between our two leads has quite a few nice points going for it. Ash makes a big deal about how tragic his past is and how he can't trust anyone, but around Eiji he's allowed to be his authentic self, without fear of judgment or betrayal. Their interactions together, particularly in safe moments where there isn't a bad guy to fight, is a very realistic depiction of what two good friends might get up to, when they're alone together. They enjoy each other's company, have a lot of cute moments, and there are even what I would identify as clear moments of emotional intimacy, that made for compelling viewing. I do, however, have two main issues with it.

The first is a phenomenon I'm beginning to see quite frequently, in the world of yaoi. It's what I refer to as the "Uke's dillemma." I can understand what Ash gets out of the relationship. A person who accepts him for him, who can look past his violent existence and treat him like a human being is something valuable and healing to him, and the show makes no bones about that. However, I find myself less able to answer what Eiji is getting, from the relationship.

His only real flaw as a character that Ash might be able to address is the temporary loss of his confidence, that he experienced before meeting Ash. That basically gets resolved a few episodes in, with a scene where he has to help save multiple people, including Ash. For the rest of the show, it really feels like Eiji is purely there for Ash's sake. He, being (as I mentioned previously) a Very Good Boy, sees a person who's clearly suffering, underneath the mask of a totally cool badass mafia assassin, and decides to show Ash the milk of human kindness in order to heal his pain and remind him that he's actually a person, and not just a wild animal that needs to be put down.

And while that's cute and cool and very much worth putting to film, that's not exactly a good reason to enter into a romantic relationship with someone. In fact, that feels more like a good reason to adopt a shelter animal.

0/10. NO HAND HOLDING

The second problem with the romantic relationship between our two leads is that... it's not really a romantic relationship. Like, make no mistake. It's not like I was expecting these two boys to spend their free time with their hands down each other's pants. However, they don't really do anything that indicates that they're in a relationship. They spend a lot of time together. They're clearly willing to throw down, when the other is in danger. They even share a few moments of genuine tenderness. But spending time and being emotionally intimate with your friend isn't gay, no matter what the dude-bros tell you, and neither they nor anyone around them seem to give any sort of indication that they should be read as being romantically involved.

Okay, they kiss, once, but I'll get to that in a second.

By itself, this isn't a big deal. It might even be a point in the show's favor. Considering how sleazy they make the world of gay people, how overloaded the plot is with sexual assaults and horrible, senseless violence, the fact that they make the relationship we're meant to root for wholesome? Not the worst decision.

It's a little weird, though. I mean, this was the chance for the show to show us what a good gay relationship might look like. It's a chance to show how Ash would engage with a partner he genuinely loves, when there isn't a gun to his head. A chance to present what a healthy, constructive relationship could look like, even in an environment as ugly as Banana Fish's. And what they gave us... was a very good friendship. Like, an outstanding friendship. A friendship I would happily defend, were it lucky enough to come my way. But that's all it is. You could honestly walk away from the show with the idea in your head that Eiji was straight, and was only staying close to Ash because he's a Very Good Boy and could see it was what Ash needed.

But... I'm overthinking this, maybe. A friendship is a good thing to put on screen, I think. Besides, even if they don't ever say the "L" word, there's enough subtext for you to be able to make the educated guess that they love each other. I don't need to give this any more thought. I could just sit back, and enjoy the wholesome vibes of Boy Assassin and Very Good Boy.

BUT IF I WERE A CYNICAL PERSON...

The show presents gay sexuality as being "bad." I'm not even sensationalizing. Ash's first crimes, his first acts of evil that send him down the violent road he finds himself on, happen as a direct result of being raped as a child and needing to defend himself. The show's main antagonist is a sadistic gay mob boss who's obsessed with owning Ash like a collector's item. Sexual assault and rape are employed or threatened by every throwaway minion who has any sort of power over the protagonists. The cast can be split into three groups: people who rape and abuse people, the victims of abuse... and Ash, who half the time is in the victim category, but the other half of the time uses sexuality as a cover for dishonest behavior.

Ash is openly sexual, at times, but these are always in controlled moments. Often, it's to distract or to call in a bad guy, so he can incapacitate or kill them when they're off guard. That time we get our big kiss between Ash and Eiji, it was all part of a clever ruse on Ash's part to sneak a message out of prison, and not an actual expression of love. For Ash, sex is either something that happens to him, or that he uses to get something he wants.

So, imagine the opportunity presented in front of us, here. Ash has a Very Good Boy, around. One who will not judge him, won't betray him, and who he can finally be his genuine self with. And when given that opportunity, the writer's apparently decided that their perfect gay relationship, the relationship Ash was going to have with his designated soulmate... is one that can easily be mistaken for generic friendship. One where you complain about food, together, but you sleep in separate beds. Where you call your partner "big brother" and only ever touch them when you're having a nervous breakdown and (understandably) need to be held. Where you never say the "love" part out loud, and none of your friends say it out loud, either.

And... I'm not a cynic. I'm not. But if I were, I could have a field day with this. I could write the entire world of Banana Fish as the sort of Gay Experience Conspiracy Theorycrafting that was absolutely rife in the mid and late 20th century. Because it seems like what the writers are suggesting is that the key to being happy as a gay character is to not be gay.

Being gay, according to the writers of Banana Fish, is a sort of corruption, that happens because you were abused and traumatized. Only bad people express thoughts that could be construed as gay sexuality, and in every case it's just meant to serve some greater purpose. Breaking a person's spirit. Getting them vulnerable so they can be killed. And when you find somebody who can finally let you heal from your trauma, all you ever wanna do is take Japanese lessons with your Very Good Boy friend who isn't your boyfriend. Let me just make that last part clear. He's just your very good friend, who just so happens to be a Very Good Boy, and the two of you don't even hold hands.

And then when it's time for your Very Good Boy friend to leave, to go to Japan and back to his regular Very Good Boy life, the moment you even think about going after him, you're gonna get stabbed in the street and murdered, as the consequences of your evil lifestyle finally catch up with you.

((Spoiler alert, btw.))

THAT'S HOW I'D READ IT, IF I WERE A CYNICAL PERSON

Luckily, I'm not a cynical person. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that all that could be inferred from a casual viewing. Surely, I'm just mad that the anime tagged with "gay" and "romance" didn't have enough obvious romance in it.

In conclusion, Banana Fish is a competently animated and drawn crime thriller. It's protagonist is a Mary Sue, but for the story it's telling that's not the worst thing he could be. Any sort of conspiracy theories I have about the writers and their opinion of gay people are probably irrelevant. 6/10. Watched it while I was sick. Killed time while the virus was being killed.

[twojackals]

Schrodinger's box

I think I'm probably lucky that I had already come to the conclusion abdication was necessary for Tamara Siuda and that I predicted it was going to happen eventually (because it means I don't have to suffer through the same devastation and confusion others are feeling) -- but I admit, I did not think it would happen "within a week or two" of all this talk I've been doing.

Still, I can't say I'm not interested and even happy by the development. That's not a dig at Tamara -- this will be good for her too -- it's just that this is the only gateway left to change in the House of Netjer, and the fact that the door is finally opening... well it does leave me with cautious optimism.

Extremely cautious though, because according to the announcement, ""this change means we will need to have community-wide conversations about what we want to do next and how we want to do it", but… will it happen?

HoN / KO is known for its lack of transparency as I've said before. They shy away from discussing anything with the community at large in meaningful ways, save for the Shemsu Ankhs (there are things I would love to discuss on this topic in particular, but I can't). But even though conversations tended to feel directionless and spiral in circles.

What would make me happy is if Tamara joins the Discord server and starts talking directly with all of the people she was meant to be leading this whole time. The forums are nice, but the interaction would be best supported by real, timely interactive communication. And contrary to the announcement, of which parts boil down to a blame-game and do still annoy me ("You just don't understand Kingship" -- not verbatim), I still think the problem with Tamara Siuda and Kemetic Orthodoxy was never the 'King' component, but the 'leadership' one that should have gone with it.

The idea that we simply don't 'understand' Kingship in today's age is actually true to some degree, but I would summarize the problem differently: that the idea of Kingship should have evolved into something new and more relevant, but was refused the space to do so.

But King / Nisut was never the biggest problem, it was just a label indicative of a leadership issue with a spiritual leader who was so far removed from their community, they literally talked about how much they hated their own Discord server and alluded to the fact that we should basically all go back to IRC / AOL or maybe get off the internet entirely. Mind you, it's not like all of these problems don't occur outside of the internet, either.

Barring that time machine, maybe it's time to bite the bullet and simply become an accessible component to make conversation happen?

"This power now lies fully in your hands. I could not pass it along to anyone more worthy" -- I didn't realize we had become worthy at some point. To be clear, Tamara loves this community deeply, but has always been exasperated by its inability to self-regulate -- people repeatedly acting like little children and bullies with no regard for each other or Ma'at no matter how much they scream Her name. And the fact that she's taken so little time to actually talk to us directly, I can't imagine why we're suddenly worthy of choosing our own direction now.

I still think an organization like this needs a leader, a point of direction. The Board of Directors is a bureaucratic nightmare (but a necessary one from a legal entity state), and while some of the Priests are amazing, others are... confusing, I'm going to use the word confusing here for lack of a better term. Can control of the House be turned over to the general community, and what would that look like?

I think it would look like a disaster in some ways, because Tamara was always right: this community can't self-regulate, and that means it needs a directional star to guide them. I don't think the best option was ever for Tamara to leave the House (and to my knowledge, she isn't). It was just to abdicate from the ridiculous idea of King and then take an additional step toward being the community-accessible leader she absolutely could be. But I'm not sure if that last part is now happening or not.

There could be amazing things in store for KO and the House, or it could turn into a nightmare. We're on the borderline, or maybe we're inside good old Schrodinger's box.

By the way: I'm still pro-Kemetic Orthodoxy and pro-House of Netjer. I know most people would see otherwise, but I'm really rooting for this organization that still has a huge piece of my heart to succeed.

[horizon-verizon]

I hate how one of Rhaena major grumbles was being passed over inheriting the throne in favor of Jaehaerys, and complain that everyone, including her own mother, had conspired to take away her right to the crown. This is despite her never showing much interest in ruling herself, just being bitter about how her life turned out. No one ever suggests she might’ve been a better ruler than Jaehaerys, not even her.

She didn’t seem to understand the people around her and was actually very self-centered, which helped contribute to her sorrows later in life. Elissa Farman, who repeatedly asked for permission to leave Dragonstone, only for Rhaena to refuse because she was so possessive and could not bear to see her leave, until Elissa got fed up and left anyway. Her husband Androw Farman was so bitter about being a beard and being regularly mocked by everyone that he murdered all the women he could that she might care about. She forced her daughter Aerea to stay on Dragonstone and forbid her from returning to her aunt and uncle’s court at King’s Landing where Aerea had been happiest. Aerea so hated being stuck at Dragonstone with no friends and nothing to do that she flew off with Balerion and died horribly. Rhaena wails that she gave birth to a monster when Aerea ran off, ignoring the pretty big detail that Aerea ran off because of her awful parenting.

Responding to this post.

I already wrote what I thought in the post anon is responding to about why Rhaena acts as she does about her claim and to her kids. I stated that it's not really about her ambition to become Queen or thinking she'd be a better ruler. It's about being treated as either a threat or someone to take care of. I also said that she spent a year looking for Aerea (yes too late, but the point is that there are layers there, reasons why she is the way she is), and that her interest in ruling may form after having seen how much she lost to others violence and machinations--compensation. Details are in the post.

It's not that Rhaena wasn't mistreating Aerea and didn't become bitter with each year, hurting those around her in her anger and loneliness. It's that I fear we could slip into disregarding how she became that way to just set aside that context and label her as just a bad person.

I've often seen some fans describe characters like Rhaena as "whiny" or "unrealistic", "spoiled" and "self-centered", kinda like with Rhaenyra, Aerea, Saera, etc. Characters who do have some of those qualities but somehow a lot of their other characteristic or their backgrounds are eschewed for main criticism for their failure to be the ideal mother, wife, daughter-subject to a parent. I don't really like it. Most of the issues Rhaena had or where her bitterness came from were systematic, hierarchial, feudalist misogyny.

One point of all of these characters is to show how women are told and taught to be very self-sacrificing to those around them to the detriment of their own health and dignity while men and boys can get away with literal murder. That women are also people who commit errors believing that they are doing the best they can for themselves and/or some others, subject to abuse but even more so under patriarchies. To show the results of patriarchal abuses, and the compulsions they place on women regardless of how motherly or independent-thinking they are.

And, respectfully to him, fuck Androw. As I said in that post, he was the quiet incel. And a murderer of a teen girl.

[calypsoul]

Murdoch Mysteries spoilers (well, up to s6 cause that's all I've seen)

I needed to rant about Murdoch and Dr. Ogden

Julia Ogden and William Murdoch are so perfect for each other. I genuinely don't believe that anyone else could handle being in a relationship with Murdoch and his tendency to drop everything for a case and need to find the truth and do what's right even when it's hard or inconvenient or even downright destructive to himself/his career (ie: letting a convicted murderer free bc the man she killed was her abusive husband and she didn't really have a choice but of course, the courts wouldn't rule in her favor bc it was a woman killing her husband).

And Julia, well, we saw what happened when someone else tried to marry her. It got him killed. Though to be fair, he was up against James Gillies. Either way he couldn't handle what her past brought, or her being a Strong Independent Woman^TM with her own opinions and acting on those opinions, which has unfortunately been shown to be pretty standard in-universe.

Them together however, is amazing. Most of the proof is in the wedding and honeymoon episodes bc like, who else would be totally okay with excited about figuring out the last bit of the case and catching the true murderer IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR FUCKING WEDDING CEREMONY. Not the reception or afterparty (are those the same or different?) or any of the other bits of a wedding that are arguably less important than WHEN THE OFFICIANT IS ABOUT TO DO THE WEDDING VOWS. They were genuinely about to leave the altar together in full wedding attire to go to a train station to arrest people. Neither of them needed convincing to leave, in fact they needed convincing to stay and finish the ceremony (though they still rushed the officiant) before gallivanting off to solve a murder.

Then there was the time they couldn't leave well enough alone while on their honeymoon and ended up saving the life of the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. This woman voluntarily (against her husband's protests that she didn't have to) crawled into a fireplace or vent or something to help her husband use the contraption he made out of her mirrors to spy on the room above, which they had been repeatedly told to leave alone, and remained relatively calm when she found and had to report dead bodies (though she was a coroner) and cheerfully (or as cheerful as you can be when there're murder plots afoot) continued to help him investigate, and did not once complain about the lack of romance on their trip. Though it could be said that solving cases is their form of romance.

And it's not just Julia happy to support William. Murdoch was understanding, maybe even more enthusiastic than she was, when she told him she was going to run for an election of public office, despite how it would reflect on him and possibly affect his job since they were married. He never tried to discourage her from protesting woman's rights, just made sure she knew the potential consequences, and that he would not be able to help if she got arrested, despite his own beliefs. He is always by her side no matter what she does or how it would affect others' perceptions of them. Hell, the man was prepared to ignore some of his religious beliefs just to marry her if she managed to get the divorce, and helped her create evidence of cheating to get that divorce, even though he had been following those beliefs to the letter for most of his life (back to Julia for a minute: she converted, despite struggling with her own faith, just so she could give him the gift of being married in his church). There's also the fact that Murdoch has always wanted to start a family, but Julia cannot have children, and though it was a point of conflict for a bit, he still wanted to marry her anyway.

They are so perfect for each other, not to mention adorable and hilarious. Every time I think of their wedding or honeymoon, the only thought that follows is "Only them"