#((we talked about growing as people and I vented about some recent bullshit in my life and??? now he’s going to bed bc he’s got work early))

[kurtzbergsiblings]

Love spell/self love bath on the full moon + listening to the teaser for Paloma’s song Labour + getting a message from two people I’m trying to vibe check (connected to the love magicks) about needing to be strong and not take shit = ???

[buck-nialled]

Anybody - N. Horan Imagine

NOTE: I sincerely appreciate everybody’s patience with me getting to requests. Sometimes its just nice to take a lil break and write a niall amnesia fic, ya know? anyways, here’s another requested imagine (i combined two because they were vv similar), enjoy!

“You’re telling us you’re still single?” The girl scoffs. “Yeah, right.”

It made your cheeks flame up incredibly and your stomach turn in guilt. Normally, this conversation would not have you so antsy or defensive if it had not been for Niall’s presence beside you. The idea to share lunch with the cast one day and have Niall tag along was entirely your idea, so there was nobody else to throw blame on. You were happy Niall agreed almost immediately to your proposal, despite knowing the repercussions if either of you somehow clued that you were together in front of your friends and especially in public.

Your lifestyles were definitely a commonality in your relationship. The constant interviews and public appearances were what led to the two of you introducing one another. You both had a disposition for complimenting people greatly, but had a difficult time taking them to heart. Your first meeting could be illustrated with the two of you gawking over each other’s work and red cheeks, with the subtle flirtatious remark thrown in. But it was the impetus for the exchanging of numbers, and a couple of dinners and intimate nights shared in the bedroom.

More importantly, it led you here at a restaurant surrounded by your costars for one of Niall’s favorite television shows and the man himself. He claimed it to be one of his favorites before he even met you, which you still doubt to be the truth, but you never pushed him for validity. The question from your costar, who could also be considered one of your closest friends, left both you and Niall stunned for a moment.

“Oh, come on. Why is that so hard to believe?”

“You’ve got guys crawling over you all the time.” Another chimes in. You could not argue his point; it happened every time you stumbled across a male fan of the show, over twitter direct messages or blatantly in response to something you posted online. Even during interviews some male hosts would flatter you in the objective to get in your pants, in spite of how clear you made your interests to be platonic.

“So, I can’t be independent and say ‘no’?” You raised your eyebrows, feeling inferior to your colleagues. Unlike them, having a public relationship was off of the table.

“You can. But admit it, you could literallu have anybody, Y/N.” Your friend looks around the table, earning many nods of agreement. You wish every day to wake up and just have the world know your secret. But it did not work like that.

Your publicist immediately refuted the idea of publicly dating when you mentioned your affair with the musician. She went ballistic, claiming you were insane to just post a picture of the two of you to your socials with the mindset of “whatever happens, happens”. It would lead to speculation, which will lead to a closer eye on the two of you and your every move, she argues. Her demands made you want to keep your mouth shut about your fear of being mobbed by cameras off of the red carpet before this conversation. She went on to say the longer you were “available” in the eye of the public, the more popular you would grow. Teenage boys would fawn over you, their girlfriends would google you to see what the hype about you was and hate-stalk you, which would result in a larger following.

Having that disappear all because you were off of the market would make your numbers plummet and lose grip of your male demographic. You were nearly tuning her voice out by this point, until she pointed out that Niall was probably in the same boat. Girl’s loved him; guys were fuming over him. Bigger album sales, followers for days, until the announcement that one of the world’s biggest heartthrobs is officially taken.

You informed Niall about the conversation later that day. And as much as he wanted to say it was bullshit, he could not. It was true. He had attempted many times to present the relationship reveal presentation to his manager and publicist, but both shut him down the moment he began to speak. As of now, both of you were bound by contract to keep your lips shut.

Niall’s aura screamed its independence, so there was no speculation circling him lately about a possible affair. You however, were fresh meat. The new, hottest thing one of few top, trending shows. Everybody wanted to know your whereabouts and who you we’re hanging around with everyday, all day. And it never really seemed to stop.

The night your followers on various media platforms doubled, then tripled, then quadrupled in a matter of hours was when you needed to turn off all receiving notifications. Messages, mentions and questions were flooded to your phone at such a rapid rate that your phone froze. If a photo was even published online of you hugging a man, you would be interrogated about it for the next five interviews following that day.

Recently, the man in question has been your co-star in the series, Ryan. It was clear in the show that your and his character had major chemistry, but outside of the set, Ryan acted like more of a brother figure than anything. He would scare you whenever you turned random corners in the studio, ruffle your hair and bicker with you at any opportunity.

Many gossip news sources were asking both you and your co-star if the relationship between your characters was the same on-screen and off-screen. But it seemed the countless amounts of “no’s” you both delivered immediately after the question was asked was not enough. The other day, a video of him handing you a water bottle with a smile gained thousands of views overnight, as well as theories that you two were hiding a relationship from the public. It could not be further from the truth, but you and Ryan knew it was useless to comment otherwise.

In fact, everybody around you was discouraging the idea to cancel the rumors. All except one person, who always seemed to be cheering you on in your worst moments. And by the eighth week and hundredth photo of you and Ryan allegedly “confirming” your relationship, you had enough.

You stormed into Niall’s apartment with hot feet. You passed by him and paced his kitchen, while he sat up from the couch. Turning down the volume on the golf match playing on the television, he ventures after you and into the kitchen, finding you scavenging his fridge.

“Hang on.” You held up a finger, before retrieving a cold bottle of booze from the fridge. Niall eyes you carefully in your haste to grab the bottle opener already accessible off of his kitchen island and pop the bottle cap off the drink and down half of it. While you guzzle down the drink, Niall gulps, licking his lips.

Chugging a beer, as weird as it sounded, was one of the hottest things Niall had witnessed you do to date.

“Okay,” you slammed the near empty bottle down, taking a deep breath of preparation. “Go ahead.”

“What happened?” He already knew the answer, but it could not hurt to ask. He figured if it bothered you too much to speak about it, you would deny answering. But, considering he was the only person who allowed you to rant to him, you were not going to throw away the opportunity to do so.

“More shit about me and—” That’s the farthest you could let Niall peek at your day before a familiar ringing noise sounds in the kitchen. Niall releases a sigh as you collect your phone from your back pocket, seeing who was calling.

“It’s Ry—”

“Take it. It’s okay.” Niall assures, without you even having to ask. You nod, promising to be quick, though he knew it would be at least twenty minutes before your attentions could turn back to him. That is, if another article was not sent to you about the situation.

“Hey…yeah I saw…” you eye Niall strolling out of the kitchen, his bare back and tense muscles prominent from your view. “Uh huh…” you murmur, before you and Ryan are venting about your day to one another. All of the interrogations at interviews, the photos people had snuck while touring the set, and the trailer for the newest episode that was just dropped. The trailer went viral within two hours because your editors and marketing team decided to include the kissing scene your two character’s shared in that episode along with the montage of other points. By the time you had ended the call, you found Niall showered and lying on his bed. The television in the living room was black, a sign that the golf match ended much earlier.

“Hey…sorry about that.” You mumble, crawling into his bed beside him.

“It’s okay…I assume you don’t want to talk about your day?” He inquires, looking down as you wind an arm over his stomach.

“W-what makes you…”

“I mean, I don’t want you to waste your breath or anything. Judging by the earful you gave Ryan it must’ve been juicy.” Niall remarks through his teeth. 

“I was just—”

“Because why waste your time talking to me about it, right?”

“Niall! Stop!” You yell, allowing a heavy silence to fall in between you two. You take your arm away from his middle and sit up, brows scrunching. “Why are you acting like this?” You ask, tone quieter.

“I…don’t know. I’m sorry, I’m just…I’ve been in my head a lot lately. Thinkin’ about lots of things.” He huffs, turning his gaze down to his legs.

“Like?”

“Like…us.” He answers, face solid.

“What about us?” You hesitate with a trembling voice.

“Well, more like how there isn’t an us.” Niall mumbles, voice gravelly. “To everyone else, anyway.” He breathes, trying a smile but with no avail. The sight delivers a brutal sting to your heart.

“Niall…”

“I know we can’t tell anybody; I know.” He rushes out before you could remind him. “But shit, can we at least act like they do when you’re here?” Your lips part, but fail to generate the right words. “Because right now it kind of seems like I don’t exist when Ryan calls and—and when I ask about your day first but he interrupts, it seems like I can’t get a sound out of you after about it. And damnit, Y/N, I want to hear about it! All of it! And having to listen through the walls just to know you’re okay…”

“Yeah?” You whisper.

“I see what everybody else does. And I don’t like it. Not one bit.” You nod, biting your lip to hold back tears much like Niall was doing judging by his crackling voice. The only reason you really spilled your guts to Ryan was that he was in the same exact position you were in, so he would understand you the most. But that was not entirely true. Because right in front of you sat Niall, who was hiding just as much as you were for the same exact reasons.

“I’m…I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“Yeah,” Niall sniffs, “who could blame ya? Ya never have time to ask.”

“And that’s not right.” You shake your head, bringing your body up to straddle his lap. After swinging a bent leg over both of his, and situating yourself over his thighs, you stare into his eyes with a shameful gaze. “It should never be like that. I should tell you about my day, and ask you about yours and…I’m sorry, Niall. I’m so sorry I haven’t.”

“It’s okay—” He tilts his head down, but your hand grabs a hold of his chin scraggly with hair and lifts it back up.

“No, it’s not.” You decree. “To be honest, the reason I never really talk about it is because…I thought it wouldn’t matter to you?” At your admission, Niall’s eyes bulge. The feeling of his warm hands flying to your hips calms both of you to an extent.

“Why would ya think that, love?”

“Wouldn’t you be annoyed hearing me rant about some guy people think I’m dating?” Niall nods his head, understanding your point.

“I suppose…but I’d be angry with you. I’d be on your side.” Niall guarantees with a firm squeeze to your sides. It makes a giggle bubble up from your throat, and a smile crawl up to his lips at the sound of it resounding against his bedroom walls. After bringing his hands in yours and lacing your fingers together, you say, “I’m sure you would. You’d hold me…pleasure me…sing me to sleep.” You smirk, watching Niall grow flush beneath you at his noticeable methods of affection.

“Ryan can’t do any of that.” You bite your lip.

“Damn right he can’t! You’re mine.” Niall looks you up and down, pulling your chest closer to his.

“And I’ll start taking that into consideration more. Now, how about I pleasure you this time to start?” You raise your eyebrows.

“I like the sound of that.” His hand starts to reach up to comb through your hair, but the boisterous rings of your phone interfere once again. Niall heaves a breath and sits back, all while you roll your eyes and reach out for the phone.

“Hey, Ryan.” Niall looks up at you, expecting in less than a second to be off of his lap. But he is rather surprised at the feeling of your hand reaching up to tug the loose sweats down off his waist. “You mind if we talk tomorrow? My boyfriend and I are kind of in the middle of something.” You answer with a smirk, watching Niall’s eyes grow right before you. Ryan’s screams of puzzlement could be heard by Niall as you dragged the phone away from your ear and ended the call. And soon, your grip made its way back to Niall’s boxers with a devious smirk on your lips. 

“Now, where were we?”

[nocturnal-dreams]

I might take this down later tonight so if you want to screenshot it so you can use my words against me like in 2 months again go the fuck ahead but I've heard so many anons going on my account that I will not be responding to because well I really couldn't give less of a fuck. Anons are pissed off at me for multiple reasons. While its 1am and I'm kind of drunk, I feel like I can quickly explain myself.

⚠️ Stop reading now if you really couldn't give a damn ⚠️

➖Okay so I've seen a lot of people pissed off at me for writing for c!Schlatt. Now I completely agree that you can be mad at Schlatt, he's said some fucked up things but to be attacking his fans and the people who are a fan of his character, no that's fucked up and if you're a follower of mine and hate on Schlatt fans, you can kindly fuck off, you're no follower of mine. Look I'm sorry but I'm not gonna stop writing for a character that I enjoy because the internet isnt a fucking perfect picket white fence.

Another thing related to Schlatt is JustAMinx or the chuckle sandwich crew in general but I'll just talk about Minx. I'm still gonna write for her since I genuinely enjoy her content. Do I like that she's friends with Kacey? Absolutely not but Minx is an adult and it's up to her to make her own choices. Do I wish she'd not support Kacey, absolutely but once again she's an adult and its up to her to be responsible when looking at who she's to be friends with

➖Okay number 2, my dress pictures or just the pictures I post of my irl life in general. I've been getting a lot of hate anons lately that are mad at me for wearing a dress because people think I'm faking being non-binary for clout, shut the fuck up. I can wear my packer and binder and I'm still gonna be non-binary, what's so different about me wearing a fucking dress that shows a little cleavage? Grow the fuck up

Another few anons I've been getting are about my weight in the photos, people claiming they're worried about my health, no bro you're just being a dick. Look I am afab and I have a little thing called a uterus, now something that this uterus causes me to do is bloating, but I also have a thing called tits. Now I dont know if you knew this but porn stars may have huge fucking tits and no fat but you know what that is? That's surgeries and dieting to one piece of food every week. Now do I feel like doing any of that? Fuck no, I'm confident in my body and I'll wear whatever the fuck I want no matter my size.

So here's for you fucks:

➖Number 3, some people are mad at me for keeping myself private? I made a post like 2 months ago I think now telling people that they dont know me, they only know what I wish to tell them and that I like to live a private life. The reason for this post? Because I had an anon send me a ask of my exact location and birth name, I am safe dont worry but the second that happened, I felt like I needed to set some kind of boundary because that was fucking creepy especially because at that time, I was living with my friend and her two year old daughter.

In that post I said "I care about all of you guys but I dont know you and you dont know me, what I say is what I choose to tell you guys." People took that is me referring to everyone as a number, once again my words being taken out of context

➖Number 4, look I'm not a licensed therapist so stop treating me like I am one. I'm human to and need my breaks. You can message me and send me as ask if you need somewhere to vent but how about we dont get pissed off at me if I dont answer immediately or if my advice isn't good enough. I dont have all the answers, I try to help with the knowledge that I have.

Also please put a trigger warning at the start of your ask, it just helps me be able to filter everything better and also stops people if they skim read and might be put into a bad place, it's just so helpful to do and it takes two seconds

➖Number five, calling me a groomer for interacting with minors...

*inhale* WHAT?! So you're telling me that me supporting talented writers who happen to be minors and being someone they can talk to and be like a parental figure to is me being a groomer? Huh?!

I'm sorry but that is completely bullshit, want to see a groomer? Look at someone like James Charles or Onison, get your head out of your ass

➖Number 6, the one that pisses me off the most. "You dont write enough", do you really think in any kind of small pea brain mind that people being rude to me about not writing enough is gonna make me want to write more? I took a break from writing in the first place because people were being dicks to me about it, saying oh you spelt this wrong, or this is so cringy, or stop making the person ooc.

I write for myself and I'm gonna be honest, I have many finished drafts and fic ideas but I dont want to post them because well I'm tired of being shitted on for every minor mistake.

➖look I'm not a perfect person and have never tried to come across as one. I fuck up and I'm sure you do too. At this rate with all the hate anons recently, I'm very close to turning off anon asks or just asks in general. But I don't want to do that because my anon asks are for people who want to vent but want to stay anonymous and I feel like that would take away that security of I turned it off.

Just let people exist and get your head out of your ass

[verystrawberrytae]

Taekook are distant, a short rant

Sorry, i lied in the title. 

Disclaimer. What I am talking about is taekook relationship in a platonic way, as a precious bond between two members. I don’t have a problem if you interpret it in a romantic one, I am a taekooker myself, just please take note that I won’t address those aspects anywhere here.

Before I start my rant I want to tell everyone who is reading it that you don’t really have to read it. If you have your opinion about yesterday’s events set in stone then there is no need for you to go through it all. If you are here just to mock what I will be saying then be my guest, I don’t really care for anyone’s opinion. This post is for me and me only. It’s my way of venting frustrations and if someone stumbles upon it and decides that it was helpful then great. 

As I’ve said it will be a rant so please do not expect it to be highly organised because it won’t be.

What I want to start with is - I have two explanations for the infamous scene of the recent episode of In the Soop. This scene has awakened something wild not only amongst taekookers but also amongst those that have never cared for taekook bonds or even those that have openly shaded and hated it. I won’t point fingers, if you are active on twitter, you probably know who I am talking about. 

And before I explain those two perspectives I want to take a moment and say that whatever it was that led to this scene coming to life, it is a very beautiful scene. If it was a scene in one of the kdramas that I watch, it would probably become one of the most iconic scenes ever. The emotions seemed so true, the story presented was both heartbreaking and heartwarming. What I try to say here is, the aesthetics of it was very pleasing. But there are many aspects that make me not able to appreciate it to its fullest. What is the biggest one of them? This is not a kdrama, this is the life of two real people, not imaginary characters.

The conversation was very intimate and that leads me to actually disapprove of what I will present as the first perspective. Still I think it’s important to mention it. Just so you know that I have thought deeply about it and I hadn’t dismissed it just like this.

I guess that it’s the simplest explanation. It requires you to believe that what you have seen on camera is one hundred percent true and there is nothing else beyond it. And it is what most people stopped at. And it’s not really a bad thing. 

The explanation is: Taekook indeed had some problem with their relationship and they patched it up while In the Soop was being recorded. They had the conversation shown in the episode. They have resolved whatever stood between them and they are now far better then they were before. 

And really, there are many arguments that support this. But want to know something? Most of the arguments have to be drawn from official content provided by their company we have got. The content that is heavily edited, cut and just captioned however they want. (I will be talking about captions later on too because it is something that actually created most of this mess.)

And before you roll your eyes and say that Big Hit does not hide Taekook so why would they manipulate content to fit any narrative, I will just say that it does not to the exact many people believe but if you take few minutes and look deeper you will notice that it’s not that Taekook does not interact but they are interrupted, cut and just generally disregarded when it comes to them being viewed as possible unit by the company. 

Of course, you don’t have to agree with me. I will be talking more about it in the second to last part of this rant because it is a part of one of the branches of the second perspective I will be presenting.

Apart from official content provided by Big Hit that they feed us there is really not much to agree with the perspective unless we want to breach taboo and analyse songs written or covered by them which I won’t do and strongly discourage you from doing because it’s something that shouldn’t be done. Their works are their own, we are only fans and unless something is explicitly stated, we should refrain from bringing it into the shipping agenda. I am saying it for both taekookers and fans of other ships.

If you stand by this perspective and you are a taekooker then i hope it simply made you realize that they are human too, that the relationships between members are not always what we see. If you are a taekook anti then now you should shut up about them not being close anymore because now according to what we have seen they have sorted things out and by the content released now you can see that they come back to being attached to a hip.

If you weren’t bought by this perspective then I have one more for you. This one branches into two completely different paths but they have a common origin.

The whole scene was scripted and acted out by the boys for us to see. 

And it’s what I actually believe because please do not let yourself be fooled, the content we get is not always one that has been born out of a spontaneous action. Remember that it is an entertainment industry, the company’s goal is to please the fans. 

I am not trying to debuk boys’ relationship, all of them are precious but it’s a show directed to fans so that they have fun and are happy. There is so much staff, there are so many cuts. We do not see the whole picture but we see what they want us to see.

If you do not think that it was scripted then it’s better you stop reading here. What is going to come is just me going into details why I think we can’t really take whatever was said in the scene for granted and we shouldn’t actually think that it’s a whole truth and there is nothing more for it. Again I respect your opinion if you do not agree with this. 

Now let me move onto presenting the two branches of this perspective. The one is harsh, negative one and I will say it at the beginning loud and clear. I don’t believe any words that will be typed here about taekook. It is just a possible reason, that actually I think is the biggest bullshit that has ever come from under my fingers. 

They hate each other and can’t stand each other so the staff makes them have this conversation so fans have something to cling onto. They want us to see that there is nothing wrong, while actually they can’t even have a civil convo out of the spotlight.

And you see? It’s complete bullshit. We can all see how much they care for each other and this is something antis try to deny only to be laughed at. Their relationship is precious and there is no doubt about it. That’s why I completely disapprove of it. If you need any evidence for it then I am sorry for you, it just means that you do not pay attention to any of their interactions and you are quick to judge them in accordance to poorly made edit on tiktok brought to life by an insecure child.

The second branch of this perspective is, it was scripted so that it again fits all the narratives they are pushing. The narrative that so many people believe - Taekook aren’t close (which... really? please, find a better excuse, i beg you, if you are an anti, that is not valid reason for hating on their bond). Have you noticed how Taekook is so loud and visible lately? You probably did, but that fits into this perspective perfectly. Taekook talked things out so surely they can be seen together again. So you know, everything that has been in the past portrayed by the official content is still valid but they can again be seen because that is what they need. It’s merely an excuse as to why suddenly we can see and hear taekook without the previous narrative being disapproved.

If they really needed to talk things out they wouldn’t have done it on camera. As I’ve said that was an intimate conversation. They were talking about their feelings. If there really was a problem, I believe that they would have resolved it away from everyone. If it was a moment for them and for their bond, we wouldn’t have seen it unless the moment wasn’t for them but for the audience. 

If it doesn’t make sense to you then I really advice you to stop reading. I do not want to torture you any further.

And you know why they need it, the visibility of Taekook? Because Taekook, despite other ships gaining popularity very fast, is still the most popular ship in the industry. You can disagree but for what? It should not be a competition. Taekook is still this one iconic ship that has so many supporters. But with so many supporters comes an insane number of haters. They try to feed both - those who love taekook and those who hate it. Please be reminded that shipping is also a business. With the increase of popularity there comes an increase of interactions and then again increase of popularity. But those ships that are already popular need their fair share of interactions, so that their supporters are also satisfied. Because as I have said they have still many supporters who are not going anywhere anytime soon.

Also, yeah, they can let just one ship grow and the other leave for it to be forgotten but I don’t believe they have no idea about the shipping wars that are happening. I am not saying that it is big and vital thing for them but it certainly makes things more spiced up and it is also some sort of marketing strategy.

It is a pure business. It still does not mean that the bonds members have are just a product to sell and nothing else. I believe that behind the cam they are even more sweet and adorable with each other and it applies to all the bonds not just Taekook.

And why don’t I believe that they aren’t actually close? Look at the content which is not coming from BigHit. The one from KBS or MBC. The one that come from behind the scenes of ads they have been doing. Those most probably weren’t edited by BigHit, there is a great possibility that no editor of the official contents touched it in any way. Look at how they act during lives. You can choose not to notice, that’s fine too.

I said that I will mention the captions. Why do you think they are there? Especially those that say that their conversation is ‘awkward’, ‘embarrassing’ or that they are ‘distant’? Those captions at first look are nothing too serious. Most of them are cute. But some of them make you, or at least try to make you think in a certain way. So that you understand it the way they want you to understand.

At the end of the day, everyone is allowed to have their own opinion. You may think what you want. It probably won’t be my last rant here but please let it be known that I won’t check any comments. I have had my fair share of hate on twitter for expressing my opinion and I just know that it’s better for my mental health to stay away from what other people may think about what I have posted.

To all my fellow taekookers, do not feel discouraged. Remember that we are here for all seven boys and we should love them all equally. Shipping is supposed to be fun so if you think your whole life is ruined because of the scene please reach out to someone. Shipping should never be this deep.

To all the antis. You too please be reminded that those are two real people and if the scene hasn’t been scripted then know that their relationship either way has become even stronger then before. Do not build your life on hating someone.

All the members are precious, love all of them, protect all of them, express your love for all of them. Do not let antis ruin your fun and happiness.

Let’s hope for another number 1 on Billboard Hot 100 next week.

And have a nice day.

[buzzdixonwriter]

You Don’t Say

For me, one of the unforeseen benefits of Facebook and other social media is that it gives me a chance to do rough drafts of ideas, assembling my thoughts and getting feedback before committing to more permanent form.

And sometimes, like asteroids colliding in space, two separate ideas / posts slam into one another and either create something new and unexpected, or else shatter themselves and reveal interesting aspects of their nature heretofore hidden from view.

That happened recently with a pair of Facebook posts I made on Dennis Prager and Harlan Ellison.

Let’s get the turd out of our mouth first.

. . .

Dennis Prager is a purveyor of herpetology lubricants admired by many on the right-leaning-nazi side of the spectrum, primarily because he keeps his mouth closed when chewing.  Half of what he says is repackaged self-evident truths of the “Don’t eat the yellow snow” variety, a quarter is opinions that if not startling original are at least not genuinely harmful, and the remain quarter is egregious bullshit for which he deserves a public pants down spanking.

Hmm, what?  Oh, yes; purely metaphorically, of course.

I long since wrote off Prager as a. utterer of inanities, but recently his turdmongering was forced on my attention by someone who posted a link to Prager’s argument that the “left” (i.e., basically anybody who thinks Auschwitz was a Bad Idea) is inflicting harm on both the American body politic and the universe at large by denying people like Prager the right to drop the N-bomb whenever they feel like it.

As some of you no doubt already knew, Prager is a member of what polite bigots used to refer to as “those of the Hebrew persuasion”.

That a person from an ethnicity that historically suffered hatred so vicious and specifically targeted that a special word had to be created for it (“anti-Semitism” because the original word -- “Jew-hatred” -- was too damned ugly even for bigots to use) now has his knickers in a twist because he’s “not allowed” to use the only other word of equal or greater impact -- also coined specifically by oppressors for expressing unrestrained hate and contempt against those oppressed -- is so rich in irony that all I can do is swipe a phrase from Jim Wright over at Stonekettle Station and say Dennis Prager has “all the self-awareness of a dog licking its own asshole in the middle of the street”.

First off, he’s lying: Neither the “left” nor American law prevents him from dropping the N-bomb whenever he feels like it and I invite him to go down to the intersection of Normandie and Florence in South Central and drop it at the top of his lungs for as long as he is able and please make sure to take plenty of video recorders along because I really wanna see what happens next.

Second, why the fuck would you want to say that? Seriously, other than in an evidentiary context (a cop giving testimony in court, a journalist reporting what some bigoted politician says, etc.), who today gains anything from repeating the word other than inflicting unjustified distress on people who have done nothing to deserve it?

(This is the point where a bunch of alt-right trolls are gonna jump up and say “but whatabout all the times when black people say it?” and to those trolls I’m gonna say STFU & STFD; if you can’t grasp the difference in context then you’re too damned stupid to be allowed out in public except at the end of a leash and with a ball gag in your mouth.)

It’s a word specifically created and designed to be used to brutally oppress people who did nothing to deserve that brutal oppression.  Why would anybody outside that group use it except to participate in that brutal oppression?

. . .

Least there sit any in the cheap seats who presume the above rant was targeted at Dennis Prager simply because he was Jewish, guess again, ya yutzes.

Few writers enjoyed as brilliant and as incendiary a career as Harlan Ellison, and I count myself privileged to have been one of his friends.

Ellison, as many of you know, also was Jewish, a damned tough little bastard, singled out for hatred and abuse as the only Jewish child in his backwater Ohio school, growing up with nerves & balls of chromium, a bona fide Army Ranger, and a writer so honest and fearless that when he wrote about juvenile delinquency in the 1950s he did so by infiltrating and joining a street gang to get first hand experience and insight on the kids who ran in that crowd (and as icing on the cake, James Caan played him in the TV version!).

Top that, Dennis.

Harlan’s electric eclectic career features many highpoints, but the one I want to focus on is his brief 4-year run as TV critic for the legendary Los Angeles Free Press (a.k.a. The Freep) from 1968 to 1972.  

What’s interesting is that Harlan did this while at the same time at the height of his demand as a TV writer.

You got any idea how hard it is to make a living while you’re gnawing on the hand that feeds you?

Harlan may have been crazy, but damn it, he was honest.

Back to the issue at hand.

Recently I’ve been re-reading his TV criticism columns, collected in two volumes, The Glass Teat and The Other Glass Teat.

The depressing thing is that all the evil we see today was in place back in those days, and the same smug pious frauds and their dimbulb marks kept congratulating themselves how wonderful they were as things continued to spiral out of control.

Oh, we've had good moments when we made changes that improved the lot of people who'd previously been marginalized, but the core cancer is still there. Harlan was no cock-eyed sentimentalist -- he was often filled with anger and could vent it spectacularly at deserving targets -- but he did have hope that somehow we could keep nudging the ball further towards the goal lines.

The columns make fascinating reading; they are nowhere near as dated as one might suspect. Sometimes they offer diamond-like brilliant dissections of a particular instant in the cultural gestalt, other times they examine the unseen (well, to most audiences, that is) tides of Hollywood that shape our media, sometimes he turns his attention to bear on seemingly insignificant and forgotten local programming only to show with McLuhan-esque clarity how that tiny piece of seemingly insignificant fluff is symptomatic of a much wider, much vaster, and far more serious problem.

One entry caught my eye in particular, the March 7, 1969 column on a failed ABC pilot called Those Were The Days.

Harlan sat in the studio audience watching the taping of that pilot, and his column praised the courage and insight of producers Norman Lear and Bud Yorkin, the brilliant performances of Carroll O’Connor and Jean Stapleton, and the raw honesty of the pilot’s sharp comedy and writing.

Those of you not in the cheap seats have already realized this was the second failed pilot for what would eventually become All In The Family over at CBS (there was an even earlier original pilot called Justice For All back when Archie and Edith’s last name was Justice, not Bunker.)

I remember the hoopla when All In The Family finally aired in January of 1971 as a mid-season replacement.

You might count Archie Bunker as the white Dolemite insofar as the comedy sprang from the shock of all the crude and vulgar things he said.

Lear and Yorkin were mocking that mindset, belittling bigotry, exposing the Babbittry of millions of “good” Americans who lacked either the self-awareness or the courage to take a long introspective look at themselves and realize how badly they were failing as citizens of this country.

Audiences weren’t supposed to like Archie Bunker.

And that’s where Lear and Yorkin made their fatal mistake.

No, audiences didn’t like Archie.

They loved him.

. . .

Asteroids collide, and sometimes they form new planets, and sometimes they shatter and expose what lies beneath.

Prager’s modern day Babbittry crashed into Harlan’s half-century old anti-Babbittry, and from the explosion a stark truth revealed itself.

It’s almost impossible to make an outlaw a villain in popular media.

No matter how many banks they rob, stages they hold up, sheriffs they shoot, the mere fact that somebody wrote a song / dime novel / movie about ‘em makes them into heroes.

Demi-gods.

People to be admired.

Emulated.

Professional wrestling knows this.

You can never be so big a heel that you won’t have a legion of followers.

And you can turn a heel into a baby face in the blink of an eye and none of the fans will remember the despicable acts the wrassler did just last week.

You put an Archie Bunker on TV, you do not get millions of people to recognize themselves in his hateful / hurtful behavior and change their ways.

Oh, hell no; you get millions of people to applaud him for saying and doing what they say and do in private.

And now that it’s all big and bold and brassy on TV, why it becomes even easier to say it in the privacy of your own home, then over the fence with the neighbors, then in the bar down the street, then on the street itself, and then against people who have done you no harm, who have committed no sin other than the heinous crime of not being exactly like you.

I remember watching and liking All In The Family when it first came on because I, like millions of other Americans, got the joke:  Archie was no hero.

But it wasn’t long before the voices cheering Archie began to drown out the voices laughing at him.

Lear and Yorkin tried undoing their damage with Maude and The Jeffersons and Good Times and other spinoff shows, but the bigot was out of the bottle.

Archie Bunker, even though written in a way to ridicule his use of bigotry and stereotypes, became a champion and defender of those who clung to said bigotry and stereotypes.

So tell me again why you want to drop that N-bomb, Dennis.

Explain to me -- even while you talk out of both sides of your mouth and claim even if everybody can use they word maybe they shouldn’t use the word -- how that does anything to help anybody…

…other than bigots and hate mongers.

Your argument is as circular as the thumb and forefinger gesture white supremacists use to signal one another, a gesture deliberately chosen because it lets them transgress openly by lying about the truth meaning of their gesture.

And Harlan, you were right about Those Were The Days as it began evolving into All In The Family.  Absolutely brilliant -- but absolutely deadly.

Not airing All In The Family wouldn’t have eliminated racial / ethnic / sexual prejudice in the United States…

…but it would have denied those ideas a voice.

The narcissist always proclaims, “I don’t care what they say about me so long as they spell my name right.”

Well, that’s what we got with Archie Bunker.

None of the bigots cared if we made fun of their ideas…

…just so long as they got their ideas out there.

Because ideas are made legitimate by their presence.

Now clearly, this is a bade that cuts both ways.

Ideas once unthinkable -- liberty and justice for all in the form of racial and gender equality, f’r instance -- need to be championed in public.

But we need to shout down and stamp out the bad ideas.

The United States took their foot off the neck of the defeated white racists after the end of the Civil War, and as a result jim crow came roaring back, and things did not change for millions of Americans for another entire century.

We allowed bigots and hate mongers and slavers to be whitewashed and glorified and forgiven for their crimes against humanity…

…and in the process we allowed them to continue victimizing African-Americans more and more.

Every song about the Ol’ South, every novel glorifying plantation life, every movie showing happy field hands, every statue commemorating murderous traitors as men of honor and principle, every single iteration of that idea made millions of people’s suffering not just possible but inevitable.

. . .

Now this is the point where the alt-right trolls are gonna jump up and ask “did you ever drop the N-word?”

Not in casual conversation, no.

I was born and raised in the South (Appalachia, mostly); my father’s side of the family were almost all Southerners.

Almost all.

My paternal grandmother was born and raised in New Jersey and met my grandfather when both served in the U.S. Army medical corps in WWI.  When my grandfather died in his 40s, my grandmother originally moved back to New Jersey, but her three children (dad and two aunts) felt heartbroken at having to leave their Southern cousins and friends behind so even though she carried no particular love for the South, my grandmother moved her family back and stayed there for the most of her life (she and one of my aunts moved out to California to be near us, but that’s another story for another post).

One thing my grandmother absolutely refused to tolerate was use of the N-bomb anywhere near her, especially under her roof or in the homes of her children.

This included both the -er and -ra variants, because Southern racists who didn’t want to appear as uncultured and as boorish and as bigoted as their backwoods cousins preferred the second pronunciation because they could claim they were actually speaking respectfully about “colored people”.

So I grew up in the rare white Southern home where the N-bomb merely wasn’t used, it was actually denounced as wrong.

Now, don’t go thinking my grandmother was some great paragon of virtue; she wasn’t (she was hell on wheels, in fact, but that’s another story for another post).

But she did recognize there was something wrong with the use of the N-bomb, and whether she demanded her children never use it in any form to keep them from appearing to be boorish, bigoted louts, or whether she just thought it was simple good manners of the golden rule variety not to use it, I dunno.

But I do know we never used it, and when my parents heard our neighbors or schoolmates use it, we were reminded in no uncertain terms that we were never to use it.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t used it.

A couple of decades ago I wrote a screenplay based on the life of Robert Smalls, in particular his incredible escape from Civil War Charleston by hijacking a Confederate gunboat and sailing it right past Ft. Sumter to join the Union fleet, bringing his wife and several other escaping African-Americans with him.

As a skilled harbor pilot, Smalls enjoyed certain privileges other enslaved African-Americans didn’t.

For example, he was allowed to go about the streets of Charleston unescorted…

…provided he wore a big diamond shaped brass tag around his neck.

Like a dog.

The tag indicated to slave catcher patrols that he was one of the “good” ones, that he could be trusted because he was helping his masters in their struggle against the Union by guiding blockade runners into the safety of Charleston harbor.

But knowing Southerners the way I do, and knowing the kind of low class good ol’ boy types they recruited for such jobs, I couldn’t imagine the slave catcher patrols being particularly courteous to him, even when they knew they had to let him pass because clearly he had the protection of some high positioned muckamuck.  

And I could easily imagine them flinging the N-bomb at him with great glee, taunting him, daring him to act “uppity” so they could beat the crap out of him and teach him some manners and remind him of his place.

So I used the word in their dialog in my script.

Would I use that word today?

Probably not.

It’s not that crucial to the story, and if the viewer doesn’t grasp the concept that these are bigoted bully scum from their actions and attitude, then I’ve failed my job as a writer.

Have I ever quoted people who dropped the N-bomb?

Yeah, I have, in the past.

I’ve quoted Richard Pryor and Blazing Saddles and Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction.

I would excuse it then as the aforementioned evidentiary context but ya know what?  I don’t quote those lines anymore.

I still think Pryor is hilarious and will recommend his routines to anyone I think might be interested, but he as a member of the African-American community at large (because like any other ethnic group, African-Americans have numerous sub-cultures and sub-communities among them), he could say things in a way neither I nor any other white person could say them.

(And, yeah, there’s a big debate going on to this very day among African-Americans about the appropriateness of that word and you know what?  Whatever decision African-Americans reach for themselves is their business and should not involve any input whatsoever from we white folk; we not only can’t use the word, we can’t even comment on how they choose to use it.  Period.  Full stop.)

Blazing Saddles when it came out used the N-bomb to be deliberately transgressive, to make a sympathetic point re how unfairly African-Americans were treated.

All well and good.

But nine years earlier there had been a movie called A Patch Of Blue and while it wasn’t a raucous comedy like Blazing Saddles it tried making a point about race relations in America and it was a really. Really good movie and it made some important points but today is virtually unwatchable not because of any flaws in it but because the times have changed.

Ditto Blazing Saddles.

We don’t need to approach the problem that way any more.

Quentin Tarantino?  I really like what he does as a director and a screenwriter but his use of the N-bomb to show us how transgressive his characters are is really shallow.  I have a strong feeling his movies are going to be considered embarrassingly passé’ in a generation or two, much the same way as benign-yet-stereotypical characters in 1940s movies render many of them passé’ today.  

Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction lose nothing by changing the N-word to something else.  

Maybe an argument could be made for its use in Django Unchained or The Hateful 8 but even there I think substituting another word wouldn’t significantly change the tenor or tone of either movie.

So I stop quoting those lines from Tarantino’s films, at least not fully.

I can admire his skill / talent / craft without signing off on his problematic elements.

Let me offer an analogy: If a creator can get the same dramatic effect by pretending to shoot somebody but not actually blasting them with a gun, then they can get the same dramatic effect by using something evocative of the N-bomb without actually dropping it.

(By the way, for those who may be curious, my mother was from Naples and a bona fide card carrying member of Mussolini’s Fascist Youth Brigade, but that’s another story for another post.)

. . .

We are plunging into a new cultural conflict -- and while I think there will be violence, I don’t see it being violence on the scale or level of political organization as the Civil War -- and we can only win by refusing to let the bigots and the hate mongers spew their bullshit in the marketplace of ideas.

There is no compromise with an oppressor.

Stand up to it every time you encounter it.

Make it unthinkable, never acceptable. 

  © Buzz Dixon

[snellyboi]

Hey it’s a vent post.

I have ADHD and I’m afraid of medicating for it, and this post is about why. But just so y’all know, this post is not discouraging you from taking your meds. If your meds are working for you please take them and keep up with them as regularly as you need to. I beg of you. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS AS SOME WEIRD NEW AGE HEALTH STUFF THAT’S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT I’M NOT GONNA TELL YOU ANY ALTERNATIVES OR TELL YOU TO STOP MEDICATING IT’S JUST ME VENTING ABOUT MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE ALSO REMEMBER TO TAKE YOUR MEDS!

I’ve known about my ADHD vaguely since I was 6, but I definitely knew by the time I was 10. We went so some doctor, for some reason, and I ended up with ADHD. Well, at the time I think they were still calling it ADD in my case because I wasn’t super active I guess? Either way I had it. 

They put me on something called Strattera, and I remember feeling...a few changes? I took it pretty regularly and I think it made me a little better at getting homework done, but at this point in my life, my mother was still very active in my school life. It was normal for me to do homework at this point. It took less time though, at least, is what my mother said. 

It had some problems though. For starters, there weren’t many results? I mean my grades didn’t get any better, I still lost track of stuff, and overall it was just not doing much. 

The big kicker was that I wasn’t eating enough. 

I already had (and still have) a fairly fast metabolism, not exactly hyper-thyroid but a little above average, which isn’t helped by my hobbies of cycling, marching band, and at the age of 10, running around in the woods with spray painted nerf guns and making ‘pew pew’ sounds. So when my parents noticed less and less food being eaten by me? They got really concerned. That’s not typical, I usually ate quite a bit. Now I was eating barely anything. I’m told these days that it’s a pretty common side effect of this stuff? But this was way out of the ordinary, make no mistake. I couldn’t finish a happy meal. at 10 years old. 

My parents were concerned, and when we stopped taking the pills after about a year, my mother asked if I wanted to look at any other meds for it?

I said no. 

I mean, granted, at the time, I didn’t notice the big stuff. I knew I was lighter, and I knew I felt a little more sick, but I didn’t know that they were scared for my life or anything. I just kinda said ‘nah, I’m good’. It was a trauma that sort of slowly seeped in over time. I got older and realized it. It was weird, and to be frank, it was kinda scary. Of course I didn’t figure this out when I was 10, I was 10! My biggest concern was when Spongebob came on!

By the time I was 12, I never really wanted to try meds again. Not because I thought it was quackery; friends of mine took meds all their lives, and they did fine. This stuff works for people. But I figured that maybe they didn’t work for everyone, at least, not for me. And for the most part, it doesn’t get brought up. When ADHD does come up, usually with someone else who has ADHD, it’s not like the first question they ask is ‘what pills are you on’, that’s not a typical thing to talk about in my experience. 

I get by most days, and I’ve managed, somehow, to get into a sort of routine. This routine involves a lot of me time, and It’ll take me some extra semesters to get through college, but if that’s what it takes then that’s what it takes. I go on a lot of walks, I cook a lot, and I listen to a lot of music, and eventually I’m able to focus on getting stuff done, so long as there isn’t a massive amount to do. I try very hard to get everything in one location done before heading home for the evening, too. 

I wanted to get this stuff off of my chest because recently, a person who I was pretty close with, and who knew I didn’t medicate, tried to use me as some sort of example of ‘overcoming the need for medication’ or whatever. I was talking about how I had cleaned my room and that I was kinda proud of myself, and they said “Oh, well, y’know, you’re pretty well off, you don’t need to take meds! You’ve, like, overcome that or something, right? You’re past that, you’re better off without.” 

I hate that sort of thing with a bitter passion. It’s not like you just grow out of it. Especially not in my case. Sorry, Bucky, but I’m gonna have fucking ‘cool guy syndrome’ for the rest of my waking days. But the other insidious thing about this is that it makes it sound like people who use medications are somehow worse off than I am? 

I HATE that line of thinking, and it’s way too common. I’m not ‘better off’ because I don’t use medication, and people who DO use medication aren’t worse off because they need it! 

The worst thing is, though, I guess I have, like this guilt complex or this impostor syndrome. When this person said that, they made it sound like I was ‘cured’ or whatever bullshit they were thinking. I just felt like I wasn’t really experiencing it, despite the diagnoses from 3 different doctors, it being clearly marked in pretty much every medical history thing I’ve ever had, IEPs that lasted through most of my public school years, and even the doctors up here at college knowing about it. I’d say I have it on paper, hands down. 

But a comment like that just made me feel as if I’d been lied to my whole life. It made me feel like I didn’t have a real problem, like I wasn’t ‘legit’ because I wasn’t taking meds. And this wasn’t some weird, surely non existent diagnosed elitist saying this, it was a random person who I thought didn’t care what I did, and who I figured was supportive.  And this is all because I stopped eating while I was on some meds. It makes me kind of upset that I’m...like this? I know it’s okay to be afraid of things but this just always felt weird. 

Anyway, long story short, I’m afraid to take meds because it was screwy when I was a youngster and now I constantly fight with myself as to whether or not it’s okay to be nervous about meds. 

NOW THAT YOU’VE READ THIS IT’S A GOOD TIME TO REMIND YOU THAT IF YOU TAKE MEDS THEN YOU SHOULD REMEMBER TO TAKE THEM BECAUSE AGAIN THIS POST ISN’T TRYING TO STOP YOU FROM TAKING YOUR MEDS SO POP THOSE PILLS IN A RESPONSIBLE FASHION PLEASE AND THANK YOU

[aesterea-archived]

What’s your best friend like?

okay so i can’t decide who my best friend is, so i’m just gonna give a few descriptions of some of my closest friends without naming them? in no particular order:

ONE: laughs easily, and long and hard. knows how to make everything funny. i’ve never met anyone with a quicker sense of humor. i don’t think anyone makes me laugh as much or as often as she can. a really hard worker. very honest, almost brutally honest. she’s just really frank and she has no time for bullshit. extremely reliable and responsible.

TWO: my go-to friend to talk to about anything at all. she’s just really gentle and understanding and we share similar thoughts and feelings and i know when i vent that she’ll just listen and be supportive and compassionate and won’t judge, and she knows i’ll do the same for her. she’s super creative, the worlds inside her brain are just… woah. i’m just really glad to have her and know her, i don’t know where i’d be right now without her. i feel like we’ve gotten through a lot together and i hope it lasts a long, long time. i’ll work hard to make it happen.

THREE: you know i’m not sure what to say about this one except that when i think about her i feel warm and sparkly inside, like she just has this personality that makes you feel light and silly in really really good ways, it reminds you of being a kid. she has really pretty eyes and gorgeous curls. emotional, has really intense feelings. highly expressive. 

FOUR: a goddess among mortals. looks that could murder a man, a mind sharper than a knife. my oldest friend and probably one of the strongest people i’ve ever known. dark, intense, opinionated, stubborn, ambitious. her sense of humor and style are probably closest to mine, though still very different. honestly, why isn’t she rich and famous yet. 

FIVE: this friend and i clicked really well before she had to leave and we suck at keeping up communication (mostly my fault) but every few moon cycles we talk to each other for a few hours and it’s like she never left. idk like i’ve never gotten along with someone so smoothly before? like we really understand each other and we like to talk about similar things and even though we mostly talk about books and movies and music and stuff, it’s never shallow, we get into really deep discussions about stereotypes and social justice and making life meaningful. although she’s very passionate, at the same time she’s super calm and gentle and she has this wonderful mix of fire and chill going on and i miss her very much.

SIX: this friend and i have gone through eerily similar experiences in our lives. we are so so similar in so many ways. we have similar personalities, similar interests, similar views on controversial topics. our perspectives and opinions align really well and we often find ourselves saying the same thing at the same time, talking excitedly for hours and hours nonstop… we were close when we were really little, we separated for like ten years, and we recently started hanging out again and we’ve both agreed it feels like fate carefully brought us back together. every aspect of our lives, personalities, passions, etc. fit together like they were intentionally shaped to do so. anyway i love talking to her and I’m excited to see how our friendship grows 

[mrfreezebug]

Idk I’ve mentioned a few shitty exes in passing before. But I never go into detail. And idk man due to recent events I’m just gonna vent a little bit about a piece of emmett dating history. CW: Bad bad bad relationship things  tl;dr tl;dr tl;dr  s orry if you’re on mobile 

So like YEARS AGO I got technically broken up with 3 times over a three month period which resulted in me being stoned out of my mind for three weeks straight and shit faced when i wasn’t up all up there. I just felt horrible. And through all that... I managed to meet someone who seemed super chill, fun, and nice and junk. And while we were casually seeing each other I got to meet new people and swing with them a lil. It was super therapeutic and they seemed so open minded and like they knew themselves so well... and I was still so lonely that I thought even though I didn’t have feelings yet I admired the FUCK out of them in the moment and thought i could grow to really like them?? We talked about it a lot and they sounded super understanding. Even though they constantly asked if I was ready they kept telling me they wanted "easy” as much as I did... But once I let go of my apprehensions of getting with them officially...  It turned out to be a big mistake. SO shit happened and once we became official the person who I was seeing before who ghosted suddenly messaged me bein all “sorry babe” and I was all: “I gotta tell u something” And so I told them I was seeing someone else on accounta how they just ditched me for a month with no response. And they asked me who And I told them And they told me to get the fuck out that they were a trash person. They also guilted me for moving on. “I leave for a week and you’re already on to someone else??” like R U K I D D I N G M E and I thought they were just being a salty jealous piece of bitch so I told them to chill. But they wanted closure and I’m nice so I said ok to meeting up in person. But the person I was seeing currently said they feared for my safety and that I’d cheat on them with that person. (Needless 2say they did not like eachother) And I was just??? “I wouldn’t cheat and what sorta safety concerns r there” And they were all “they’ll rape you or something and I don’t want to date someone who puts themself in the position to be raped” That was a pretty big red flag lmfao.

I should have just told both them to fuck off then but Ive never learned to really just leave anyone like that before. Im way better at it now but before I didn’t want to break ties with the only person who seemed to want to be around me and make me happy at that moment... so I just ignored that gross comment and I just told the other person we couldn’t meet.

But sure enough that weird kinda controlling situation turned into 8months of a hellish relationship where they were just SCREAMING at me for EVERYTHING. Like they literally screamed all the time. There were more times I was being yelled at than not??? Other people often told them to even calm the fuck down in public. It was wild. The screaming bullshit got to the point where THEIR friends came to me to see if I was okay. They’d literally sit me down and ask me if they physically harmed me. Which, they didn’t but there were threats surrounding every time I forgot something or messed something up. Nothing like serious but, honestly? Who for real who says “it makes me want to smack you when you can’t remember basic things.” Thinking back to this rn is so shocking to me. Idk man.

A few times they would get way too into my face and I’d have to physically shove them away because it was too intense. Just yelling. Right in my face. I can’t even remember why they were yelling. They were just always over reacting over something small I did. It all blurred together at some point. I just know I was always either zoned the fuck out or crying.  They also would often brag about being able to make people cry also. Like “I can make anyone cry. I know what to say to I get to people the most.” And it’s fucking gross, as well as a common thing I’d run into with other friends n shit. Idk why controlling people always end up with my wimpy ass. BuT ANYWAY I also couldn’t use my computer, go to conventions, or see friends without dealing with their controlling ass. So that was also a bag of shit. My life was fucking MISERABLE Talking to them only got me so far. Like five minutes of potential mutual clarity in any situation before they’d go on a rant about their problems and it’d basically end with me saying sorry with no progress. And I was still so soft spoken then when I tried twice to break up w/them it failed. It makes me want to go back and SHAKE MYSELF like why did I put myself through that for THAT MANY MONTHS???  Another kicker: similar to my experiences with other partners I was coerced into sexual situations probably every other week tops?? By threatening to break up with me, or tell me that I suck as a partner, telling me I make them feel ugly, etc… shits fucking weird like here I was crying like 9/10 times they guilted me for not wanting sex, my face is fucking UGLY and they still wanted it?? SHIT MAN. I cried during sex a lot. It fucks with me to this day. My initial instinct is to be too afraid to say no to sex.

But they actually ended up breaking up with me bc I went to go hang out with a friend and not tell them. It was probably more of a threat to try to control me but I saw that opening and booked it so far away, man I went to Denny’s that night for the first time without worrying about upsetting them for not answering their texts right away. I actually felt BAD that I didn’t care tho?? It was dumb but this thing is still a bit of a problem for me. Even if logically they deserve to feel bad, I feel horrible for hurting anyones feelings. They seemed WAY torn up about the break up. I made some empty promises like an idiot. Telling them I’d see how I felt if they worked on their anger issues and shit. It was so fucked up when I was alone with them I felt so bad for them. I felt like I really hurt them or that I owed them something for the times they were nice to me and paid for my shit and whatnot. I also have trouble staying mad. I always just forgive and wanna move on. So we’d actually meet up with peeps at gay events n what not, I was friends with their friends at this point and I didn’t want to rock the boat with anyone even when they tried getting me back at the most random times. But I’m hella distant from people in general. It gets me into trouble with people I genuinely used to like let alone with people who stress me out lmao So they’d send me paragraphs of friendship break ups and delete me from everything then message me and try to readd me again and then get upset again that I don’t “check in on them” how “I don’t care about anyone but myself” and just all around stress me the fuck out. I just have a hard time checking in on people bc of various reasons. I’m working on my self confidence for it. And I don’t want to make people stay if that bothers them. So I just kinda let them come and go but the constant confrontation is STRESSFUL. It makes it harder to check in on anyone who pulls that shit tbh.

And NOW they’re trying to do it again after a few years and like I feel BAD again and like I should be over everything tbh it was YEARS AGO BUT I REALLY DONT WANT TO CARE ANYMORE.  IM KINDA PATHETIC T H E   E N D

[sasster]

hi i know i made one of these before but i thought i’d make one in the interest of full disclosure

my name is chase (you can call me aster or coko though, that’s fine) and i am 21 years old, i’ve been in the fantroll community since i was 16 and i did a Lot of growing up here unfortunately

and i had a lot of bad ends with people that used to be or are still in the community

if you are curious as to why i’m on someones black list

chances are we met had a bad end and they’re left with a perception of me from 2015 or before, and they’re entitled to that opinion of me. if for whatever reason you decide that you and i can’t be pals then that’s fine i understand completely

i used to involve myself with drama that wasn’t my business and i’ve only recently got out of the habit of vague blogging about stupid stupid things

i’ve been in the community long enough to see people come and go and trends live and die and all that weird ancient wisdom bullshit, i don’t bother myself with canon or not canon you do you and i’ll do me

there are very very little people in the community that i cannot see on my dash for any reason whats so ever and if you hit me up in PM i’ll gladly tell you who they are, in the interest of trying to not put them on my dash, not just to gossip.

this isn’t meant to like deter you from making friends with anyone or weasel my way out of anything

there are just some people in the world that ended off on bad terms with me, and im trying my damnedest not to be weird of standoffish to anyone in terms of the community and making new friends.

this isn’t in response to anything or to lash out at anyone this is just something that i need to be understood by anyone that tries to interact with me

i have a long history in this community and there are people who do not like me and will probably tell you that if you ever bring me up and i don’t want it to feel like it’s something that i won’t talk about if it’s brought up if you want my side of a story you heard to formulate your own opinion but please please do not ask me for some information that happened three four five years ago to treat as a hot new gossip

i just want that if any one person who this post might be “subbing” to understand (if for whatever reason one of you see this post) that i do not intend to trash talk you or make you look bad to potential friends or rp partners, please do not think i am talking about you or your friends or anything because that is not what this post is intended to be

i don’t know what this post was supposed to be but it’s something that was on my chest and i just needed to do a early morning vent i suppose

i know i posted this at 6 am because i am a weenie and a coward so please hit that like if you read this also please do not rebagle it because

it’s not really intended to go far, just for my followers eyes.

thank

[autistickitten]

(added a readmore)

This is going to be long and ranty, and my Asks tend to get eaten by the piece, so I thought maybe a Submission would be better…

Anyway, I’m kind of…distraught? I’ll try to make this as brief as I can… I’ve been trapped in an abusive household my whole life. I’ve come to this blog several times for advice and venting, but now I’m at a point where I realize I don’t have to deal with it anymore. And because of that, I’m also thinking about how I can't do it anymore.

I’m the anon who has come here to ask if I was sexually abused by my older brother because I didn’t want him to run his hands down my thighs when I was eleven. I am the anon who has come here to ask about helping my younger brother after he hung himself to “prove to me that suicide isn’t pretty” (5150 anon; I did save him). My older brother continues to violate my boundaries, and gets upset when my mother tells him to not, and my father gets mad at me for denying my brother’s hugs. My younger brother is the very one who will say that he’s probably autistic while spewing the most ableist language and ideals at me (again, not saying he’s not autistic, but if he is, he’s a pretty ableist disabled person, which makes things ten times worse). I cannot repeat anything he says with mixed company because of how horrible it is (he might as well be Right Wing, ironic enough for a Latino mentally ill, possibly autistic, man). I am the anon who has come to vent about my anti-vaxxer father who shut me down when I tried to tell him that vaccines don’t cause autism, claiming that he “knew more about autism” than an autistic person, his autistic daughter.

I have put up with being told I couldn’t understand how people could be mean bigots because I was “young, naive,” God Forbid, “r*tarded.” I have been put down all my life by these men, and then berated for wanting to leave this family, this existence, because it “wasn’t the right thing to do” or “selfish.” Like, how dare I be affected by things that hurt. Why can’t I just put up with it for the good of the family?

I am also the anon who just recently came to share the love story about me and my partner, the one who loves me for me without the “despite the autism” rhetoric. We have been making plans that will be a little slow, but because we are being as practical as we can and we trust each other, I am certain that we’ll be able to pull through.

So… Just recently, something came up. There was a family gathering at my place, so pool and water guns and all that fun. Except, I started the day with a haze when I thought about how much I hate this town I have been trapped in all my life; I hate it because of all the abuse I’ve gone through here. I didn’t want to engage in the pool and water gun fun, but I joined everyone because they were expecting me. My older brother shot me with a water gun, and I just left. I was already not in the mood, so I needed to remove myself to decompress. I could hear my mother explain to him that I did not want to be shot with a water gun. The next thing I know, everyone is asking me, “Awww, what happened to him, is he okay? :(” or “Did you say something to him? Cause he’s in his room, crying.”

I will admit, I am bitter as all hell. I have cried my eyes out because of something hurtful that was said to me, by my father or one of my brothers. I have had tears fill my eyes, with no one noticing. Not even if they were right in front of me. Someone tells my brother that I don’t want to be shot with a water gun, and he goes to his room and cries. Now everyone is so concerned for him that the party fun is interrupted.

I lost it. That was the first time in a very long time I had the gall to remove myself from my own house. But as I was leaving, my cousin and father were trying to talk me out of it. My father kept saying it “wouldn’t be right.” I almost snapped at him. “You know what’s not right, is all the bullshit you’ve subjected your children to.” But I kept it to myself. My cousin asked me if I needed a moment. I told her I needed to go, lest I explode and fuck everything up. Like I always do. Because I’m so selfish.

For once in a very long time… I had a place to go. I went to my partner’s and decompressed. We watched Breaking Bad. He made sure I was okay.

When I went home like five hours later, I unloaded in my room. I saw that my older brother had left his prized novel on my computer chair and…my heart sank. I’m 24 years old, and at a point now where I’m finally saying, “I can’t do this anymore.” And he’s finally trying to say, “I’m sorry.” It hurts because I know he has nothing else he could possibly give me to tell me how sorry he is, though I’m not sure he knows exactly what he’s apologizing for. All his life, he was never told that there were consequences for violating my boundaries. It was always my fault for getting mad.

I am going to work on getting some form of employment (it’s been a while) before I go anywhere. But I may have to stay with my partner for a while.

I guess the one concern I have is… I don’t know if this is ironic or not, but what will become of my family once I’ve left. I don’t just mean to stay with my boyfriend for a while to get away from it all, but once I’ve made my own life. I’ve always thought about it growing up, but now that I actually have that option available to me–the option of finally breaking free and leaving–it’s…strange. Like it’s almost not happening, it’s just a weird dream, no this shouldn’t be happening, what happened to me caring for my family…

I’m also wondering what I could possibly say to them by the time I am ready to leave. Is there anything to say? And I tend to get a little nervous about the idea of…cutting them out of my life. While I’m kind of hoping that some distance between us will loosen the tension, I’m almost not expecting them to change for the better… I don’t know. Guess we’ll see when the time comes.

Most people reach an age when they will leave the familial home. Some people even break ties with their families, for their own good. I don’t think there’s much of substance to say besides “I’m ready to move into my own place now. I’ll see you (or I won’t.)”

It’s okay to wonder about what will become of your family after you leave ! It’s even okay to care for them. But it was never your responsability to hold the family together. You’re the child. You get to leave the nest and build your own life, on your own terms.

Hang in there and I wish you all the luck !

- Sister Cat

[kylo-renakin]

So there was this buzzfeed article recently about a senate panel voting to include birth control in women’s healthcare in the military, which is great. Of course, it devolved into a healthcare ideology battle in the comments, and one of the people commenting on it sent me into a moral outrage, and I just really needed to vent. So I’m going to have my rant here, because my perception is that Tumblr is mostly full of good people who will understand/agree with this.

.

So, some of my followers may know that I come from New Zealand. (I am now living in the States.) New Zealand has Universal Health Care. We actually have a two tier system, like a lot of countries. You can buy private insurance if you want, and the quality is usually higher, but healthcare is guaranteed to all on the first tier.

In my opinion, this is how it should be in the States.

Now, the woman in the comments says here that “no one is entitled anything just for living and you should have to pay for your own products and services”. In products and services, she’s including healthcare. This sounds like a reasonable enough premise, right? Everyone should work for their keep.

The problem is, if you disseminate her stance, it becomes clear pretty quickly how callous and cruel this ideology can be. Food, clean drinking water, healthcare, a roof over your head--these are all “products and services” that have to be paid for. The things you need to literally survive have to be paid for. What about people who can’t work? I’m not talking about the people who choose not to--and I’m not going to pretend there aren’t some of those people, too, because there are, and I’ve known some myself--but the people who actually can’t work for their keep?

I’ll use an example close to me. My uncle has downs. He is in his forties, and has been cared for by the New Zealand government and taxpayer dollars his whole life. Now, based on her ideology that no-one is entitled to healthcare, or food, or shelter, and that they should work for it--my uncle should be left out on the street to die. He can’t work. His mental faculty is similar to a small child. He’s able to do some small jobs here and there, he’s even allowed to cook for himself at his community (with supervision), he likes to sweep the floors at the local stadium for fun. But he needs constant care, he needs supervision, he can’t hold a steady job, buy insurance, manage his own finances, drive, take himself to the hospital. The idea that you should have to work to earn the basics to live (food, healthcare) is barbaric in cases like his.

And there are so many other cases. Mental and physical disabilities. Chronic pain sufferers. Mental health issues. There are many, many people who would work if they could, but they can’t and this woman, and others like her, would have them out in the cold because they’re not “entitled” to live. There are people who are literally bedridden from their illnesses or disabilities. And apparently those people are entitled to nothing?

Fuck that. Fuck that hard. 

It goes even further than this. How about the people working minimum wage, barely able to afford food, bills, rent? Even the cheapest, shittiest insurance can cost them over $100 a month. To people in dire straights, $100 per month is money better spent on food and transportation to and from their shitty, no-appreciation, low-income jobs. She and her ilk argued in the thread that minimum wage jobs are only stepping stones, and it’s those people’s own faults for not trying harder or looking for something higher paying.

Are you kidding me? People with learning disabilities can struggle to learn in school, and that can affect their job opportunities for life. Some people are naturally shy and don’t do well in interviews, and get looked over for promotions. And these people are getting told they simply need to work harder to be able to afford healthcare for themselves. It’s utter bullshit. I know people who work harder in their low-income jobs than people earning twice as much as them do. How hard you work, for most people, has very, very little affect on your paycheck. My last job paid me $50,000 a year. And you know what’s hilarious about this? The job I had before that paid me $42,000 a year, and was harder and more stressful for me by far. I was being paid more for an easier job. So I loathe people who claim that how much you earn reflects the effort you’ve put in. I know people who have worked themselves to the bone in low-paying jobs, while other people grow up in elite families and have opportunities beyond anything ordinary people get. You think Kylie Jenner worked hard to become rich? She was just lucky to be born into a wealthy family.

People work hard even when they’re poor--often more so when they’re poor. This elitist attitude from some Americans just sickens me.

So, yeah. I’m pretty done with all the conservatives in America who behave like this. In New Zealand, people who bitch about public healthcare are flat-out ignored, because it’s accepted that no matter how you were born, what disabilities you have, what social disadvantages you have, everyone has the right to live. Healthcare is part of your right to live.

And yes, I know that there are people who abuse welfare. Like I said, I’ve met some myself. And it pisses me off, too. But at the end of the day, I care more about the people who actually do need the assistance than I’m angry about the people abusing the system. My priorities will always have me supporting welfare, because it makes zero sense to punish the people who actually need the help just because you’re mad at some people who you perceive to be lazy. I genuinely think that anybody who says healthcare should not be a right of every citizen is selfish, cruel, and callous.

In small groups, where assisting someone else can mean death, hunger, danger to yourself and your loved ones, I can understand not helping out. But in a society as large and as rich as this one, to deny people the basic right to live by denying their healthcare coverage is just sick, and I am appalled by people like this.

[fatter-in-real-life]

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

As I sit here in my underwear, fuming about such trivial things as Facebook, it occurs to me that maybe what I deem trivial isn’t quite so silly.  Last night, I posted a status update to the tune of, “HETERO CIS WHITE MALES ARE NOT OPPRESSED. OH MY FUCKING GOD.”  As you can guess, this was the beginning of a lovely chat with my brother.  Truly. Lovely.

             Firstly, he made it all about him.  “I never said I was oppressed!”  Then he went on to say that I should stop making him the villain. His “meninist” ideals were beginning to show.  Apparently saying someone isn’t oppressed is tantamount to saying they’re a Nazi.  In my brother’s mind.

             This has followed many recent posts of mine denouncing the “alt-right”, A.K.A. Nazis.  Apparently my brother is upset because he is one.  He hasn’t admitted it to himself yet, but his white hetero cis male rage is only the catalyst for his changing viewpoints.  He literally used to identify as a feminist.  Then all this Red Pill bullshit cropped up and suddenly “men are so oppressed!”

             Which is almost ironic.  I live with my boyfriend who is a staunch believer in The Red Pill and all its vomit-inducing rhetoric.  People ask us how we do it, how we stay together, when our ideals are so radically different.  People expect some beautiful speech about how love knows no bounds, but in reality, we just don’t talk about it.  I think we’re both fooling ourselves into thinking the other will eventually grow out of their beliefs.

             And that’s where I’m at with my brother.  I’m hoping this is just a 25-year-old’s phase that will blow over.  I’m hoping he’s just salty over something else and taking it out on me (and feminism). But I may one day have to face the facts that the people we love are not always the best people.  I love my brother and my boyfriend to death.  But I do not love their ideals.  I do not support that bullshit world view that says that there are no advantages to being a white hetero cis male.  There is every advantage.

             That’s not to say that men’s issues don’t exist. Circumcision is bad, incarceration rates are alarming, and child custody cases have a long way to go.  BUT.  But, the fact that I even feel the need to mention this stuff, to appease the white hetero cis male ego, sickens me.  There is a difference between hardship and systemic oppression.  These men will never face oppression.  They may face prejudice, or hardships, or inequality, but never oppression.

             And I’ll be honest, as a bisexual genderqueer white person, I don’t face nearly as much hardship as say, a PoC.  I still benefit from white privilege.  And I always will.  Unless the singularity occurs and suddenly people really ARE equal in the eyes of our society.

             The reason I’m writing this is because I don’t know where else to vent.  I don’t know of any feminist forums where people can express their similar frustrations. Which is why I’ve brought this to my blog.  This started as a silly account where I could reblog funny or poignant posts, but it’s become more than that.  This is where I get political.  Or at least controversial.  This is my own little corner of the internet.  Welcome.

[lunationgeckos]

I’ve started a post on this a few times since Sunday and think I can finally write a bit without keyboard smashing.  I have had a very bad weekend which made me extremely angry and killed a lot of enthusiasm I had for 2017 plans.  I’m still angry.  

The short:  I found geckos I sold two months ago on a table at Repticon, and the girl was on that table gravid. 

Due to my plans to sell the house this year, we decided to sell a really big, heavy, solid wood modified display piece we had been working on.  We found out it was too tall to go where we are moving.  

When I found a buyer, it was also neat to find someone who was wanting to get into breeding leopard geckos.  Had a few back and forth emails over the next few weeks mostly to do with the display unit before he came to pick up.  They were an injured vet and recently left the military and were wanting to get into reptiles.  Their wife spoiled all of them, they said.  They had pictures of him with his kids holding a pretty bearded dragon.  He’s friends with a local exotic store owner that usually has nice looking stuff.  

He cooed over the geckos that I showed him when he was here.  Thought Link looked gorgeous.  I was a little on the fence about him, but the inclusion of his family being involved tipped me over in favor of him.  So I let him buy two of them.   

Eight weeks later, I am excited to go see the first full Repticon show that they’ve had in my city for a few years as they’ve finally found a new venue.  The vendors are a good variety.  Even had great high end leopard geckos there.  I was excited to take pictures and grab some hornworms and hopefully a big bunch of superworms and just enjoy.  Even found a tarantula breeder that had cute containers that would have been very dapper for isopod colonies. 

Instead, on my initial full circuit, I spot the only pair of leos on one vendors table.  I pick one bin up and spot the tiny white tip of her tail.  Then I spot the guy helping the vendors and get more pissed than I’ve been in years.  It’s the two of them.  None of the genetic info I gave him is listed and they are definitely not in the same condition he received them in.  

It’s been two months.  Like, you have to go out of your way to fuck up with a leopard gecko in two months.  They’re both horribly dehydrated and have shed stuck to their toes, one is missing a toe tip or two.  I wish I didn’t clamp down so hard when I’m angry as I couldn’t make a scene.  The guy recognized us, though, because now he was silent.  

I shake for half an hour and it ruins the rest of the show.  I took no pictures.  Only made myself buy some hornworms and walked around trying to chat with the other gecko vendors but mostly just being a nuisance.  After I’d thrown what the guy had paid me back at him (he didn’t try to upsell them?), the guy disappeared for at least an hour.  Then later, is over there carrying around and displaying a gorgeous tree boa he has no right to be touching. 

Despite putting a few drops of bottled water in the deli cups with them, when I make them a sauna at home, they licked at it for a half an hour straight.  The boy is still in good weight despite the toe shed and dehydration, but Blender lost at least 15 grams.  I put some fat roaches in their own old bowls and make the good decision to give them a quick cocoa fiber mix in their wet hides instead of doing regular QT paper towels.  

They both ate a few roaches that night despite their stress and my rage just keeps growing.  The very next morning Blender lays a fertile egg.  She was at that show gravid and ready to lay. It’s such bullshit.  And she laid 16 duds last year and only ever lost 10g the entire season. She is practically bullet proof unless you’re a neglectful piece of shit. 

She hasn’t laid another egg yet.  I hope she’s absorbed it.  The poor girl didn’t even bother to dig before letting out that egg.  Luckily she’s already eaten a bunch of roaches, so I think she’s going to be just fine, but what bullshit. 

I’m not sure how I always find these people.  I spend a lot of time talking to them.  Asking them questions.  Offering my help.  Offering information.  But they’ll still just do all the work to get what they want.  This is why I’m so cynical, JFC. 

I emailed the guy tersely yesterday and he sent me two emails and a text message, so I’m pretty sure he’s feeling rather called out.  Good.  Also have a friend with good connections who is going to get a supplier to chew out the guy who owned the table over his asshole friend.  Also good.

He said he was getting out of ‘leopards’ and that those two were the last ones he had.  I hope he stays 70000 miles away from them.  But if he can’t properly care for some leopard geckos he needs to get the hell away from any of the harder species.  

I mean, keeping a leo healthy literally can be done in ten minutes a week.  There’s just zero excuse for this and zero excuse for selling a gravid female about to lay. (or gravid at all, imo)

Trying very hard not to rethink 2017 plans. I love working with animals, but damn do I hate working with the people. 

Can’t even properly vent to most of my friends cause they’re just all ‘wow, how did you even recognize them, I mean they’re lizards!’ 

[ketzwrites]

Is this send me a pairing thing still valid? :D Because I'd like Malec + “Can we pretend I didn’t just say that?"

Not anymore :D yours is the last one, darling.

But I gotta say, I’m particularly proud of that one. I’m sorry it took me a lifetime to write it. I hope the wait is worth it

Huge, huge thanks for @sargentcow 

Magnus Bane was an expert in flirting. There was no denying it. Some people were born as great artists, some people were mathematical geniuses. Magnus Bane had been blessed with the ability to charm. For the better part of his life, he had been exulting on pure charisma alone, entrancing the people around him with a few well-placed smiles and a couple of witty comments. It came naturally to him and he barely had to think before speaking anymore, he just did.

In retrospect, that was probably what made everything go so horribly wrong when tactless, no nonsense, practical Alec Lightwood stormed into his life. Because when a born charmer falls in love with a pragmatic, disaster strikes.

Not that Magnus could’ve foreseen the completely fiasco of a relationship, judging by its start. The night Isabelle had introduced him to her dear brother, Magnus and Alec had hit it off right away. Sure, Magnus’ innuendos were often lost on Alec, but he laughed at his silly puns and, by the end of the night, they had exchanged phones numbers and more than a few lingering stares.

After that, a date was inevitable. Alec was the one to ask Magnus out, to their mutual surprise. They had spent a lovely afternoon at the Natural History Museum and had ended the date at a lovable sushi place after laughing all day long.

Okay, they had actually ended the date in Magnus’ loft, more specifically his bed, but alas, some of us are trying to sound romantic here, people.

Second date came, and then the third. By the fourth date, they were calling each other boyfriend and having fun at their friends’ expanse by having inside jokes. Their relationship was the best thing that had happened to Magnus since he had discovered makeup and he had never been that happy with anyone else.

Alec made life seem like happy summer days. He was impossibly smart and twice as kind. His eagerness to please was only surpassed by his stubbornness and Magnus was reminded of what real honesty was every time they talked.

But Alec wasn’t flawless and he could also make the sunniest day feel like the depth of winter. He was short-tempered and tended to lash out when he felt cornered. He internalized most of his feelings and a lifetime being pressured to be the perfect son, brother and man by his parents’ distorted standards had made it impossible for him to cherish who he really was in the light of who people wanted him to be. Alec had no problems to let his siblings take advantage of him and he didn’t care to be civil to people he disliked, which, truth be told, was most people.

At that time, Magnus had attributed all of that to Alec’s age. Being eight years older than him, Magnus had more often than not let rude comments and frankly obnoxious behavior slip by because he thought Alec would grow out of it. That is, when he wasn’t downright patronizing with sighs and the occasional “Oh, Alexander, just shut up and kiss me”.

It wasn’t only Alec’s flaws that Magnus would brush over, though. Magnus had an issue with opening up himself, thanks to some past lovers that shall remain nameless in her French fashion, so more often than not he’d prefer to ignore problems than to talk them through. Rationally, Magnus knew that was a recipe to disaster, but whenever he saw the frustrated and almost desperate look on Alec’s face as they started fighting, he felt it was better to change subjects. Desirably, to the bedroom.

Needless to say, their relationship crushed and crumbled after little more than an year together. At least it had been a mutual consensus and they had ended that chapter of their lives with the knowledge that although they had lost a lover, they still cared too much for each other to keep on hurting like that.

By then, however, both Alec and Magnus had earned their places in each other’s group of friends, which meant there was no staying away. Magnus was Clary’s and Izzy’s first choice for a shoulder to cry on or a fun night out after a stressful day at work. Simon was still trying to impress him, or at least make Magnus remember his name. Even Jace liked hanging out with him, despite their not-so-friendly arguing from time to time.

At the same time, Ragnor absolutely adored Alec, since he did not take Magnus’ bullshit and that was frankly refreshing. Catarina had adopted Alec after he got into med school and they could spend hours talking. Tessa had once told Magnus that if he did not marry Alec, she would have one of her boyfriends do it. Not to mention Raphael, who had taken a liking into Alec when they realized they hated the same things.

There was no avoiding each other. Which was fine, totally fine. Magnus was glad to realize that he cared so much for Alec, he’d gladly stay friends with him. They still had hour long talks, they still discussed their favorite books and movies, they still drank together.

But only when there was at least two more people around and as long as those two people weren’t a couple. That was the first unspoken rule that everyone knew and nobody disputed. Magnus and Alec never hung out alone, although they secretly still had a private chat on their phone nobody knew about.

The second unspoken rule was that if one of them was seeing someone, the other could not vent about them where the single one could hear. That rule was established when Alec ranted about a guy he had been dating during movie night at Clary and Jace’s and Magnus proceeded to mistreat the guy so much afterwards - purposefully forgetting his name, arranging restaurants reservations so there was no place for him to sit, outright telling him to his face he wasn’t good enough to even breathe the same air as Alec -, the guy broke up with Alec.

Magnus did not regret that one, especially because he could see the relief on Alec’s eyes beneath the anger when he came to confront him after the break up.

It was ridiculous, but the rules had been working fine for the last four years, which was everything that Magnus needed. He had dated and/or slept with a fair number of people since then, but Magnus was starting to grow worried. He was almost thirty-seven now and it looked like New York simply did not have anyone that was right for him.

At least, nobody who made him feel like he did when he was with Alec. Nobody who Magnus could love despite their flaws. Nobody that could love Magnus despite his flaws.

But alas, it’s no use crying over spilled milk. Alec had done a lot of growing up in the last couple of years and Magnus was proud of him, of the person he had become. It wouldn’t be fair if Magnus didn’t let go of his old crush and got over it. They were friends now and friends didn’t pine after each other forever.

It was good, then, that Isabelle had called for an emergency night out. Magnus hated feeling like he was going to die alone and he would gladly drink those thoughts down with his favorite people in the world. Ragnor had confirmed, though he said he was going to be late. Simon and Clary were coming too, though Jace was stuck at the precinct. Raphael had said drinking on a Tuesday night was beneath him and Cat was out of town.

Magnus had arrived early, to his standards, which meant he was right on time. His last client of the day had wrapped up their meeting after Magnus told him to shut up and listen if she wanted her house to look the slightest bit decent.

You see? Magnus definitely needed a drink.

He walked into the wolf’s den checking his messages to see if anyone was already there. Such a weird thing to do, wait for the rest to arrive.

“Magnus!” A familiar voice called and, of course, it was Alec. He was sitting at their usual table alone, but for a bottle of beer.

Blinking, Magnus put away his phone and smiled, gesturing to the bar. He got himself a cosmopolitan before joining Alec at the table and drunk half of it on the way there. “Just the two of us for now?”

Alec nodded, but he didn’t seem worried. “Izzy said she’s on her way and I just spoke to Ragnor. He finished the chapter he was working on, so he should be coming too.”

“Brilliant,” Magnus said quietly. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been alone with Alec like that and it was making him nervous.

Especially because Alec looked so calm. In the almost six years knowing each other, Magnus ought to have gotten used to Alec’s cool façade but he hasn’t. There was something in his sharp beautiful lines and the eye Alec’s hazel eyes always seemed to be reading the situation with absolute precision.

Magnus cleared his throat. “So, how have you been? It’s been, what? Weeks since we last talked?”

“I guess.” Alec nodded and took a sip of his beer. “I’m okay. Passed all my exams.”

“That is great! Not that I had any doubts you would.” Magnus smiled proudly. Alec had always been hard-working and never more so than after getting into med school. “How’s the internship going?”

“Rough, but good.” Alec smiled a little and Magnus could see he seemed tired, but impossibly happy. “How about your clients? Anyone wanting to paint their walls vomit-green again?”

Magnus sneered and shook his head. “Not recently, but let’s not get our hopes high. I’ve expanded business to New Jersey.”

“Oh no.” Alec snorted. “That’s just asking for trouble.”

“You know me,” Magnus said with a shrug and batted his eyelashes at him. “Trouble is my middle name.”

Alec just shook his head, but he was smiling behind the bottle of beer he busied himself with drinking. They stayed quiet for a couple of minutes and Magnus checked his phone for any news of their other friends. There was nothing.

“You don’t think…” Magnus began, but he stopped mid-sentence. The puzzled expression on Alec’s face made him chuckle. “Sorry, I’m being ridiculous.”

“What?” Alec asked, still confused.

Magnus pushed his lips together, but then he stopped, because that was Alec’s habit to do, not his. “It’s just… You don’t think they set this up, do you? Pretend to settle a night out and then bailed so it would be just the two of us?”

“Why would they do that?” Alec frowned and he seemed even more at lost. “They know we don’t… We don’t hang out alone.”

“That’s why.” Magnus suddenly felt unable to stare at Alec’s eyes, but he powered through it. A bit. It would’ve been easier if his heart wasn’t racing so fast. “Maybe they thought we could, you know, use some alone time.”

If Alec was feeling how Magnus was, though, he was doing a remarkable job in pretending otherwise. “To do what?” He asked in a way that made it sound like an accusation.

Magnus huffed. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe talk? About us? About the fact that neither of us had ever had a stable relationship since we broke up? Or the fact that we are still each other’s first choice to talk on our phones, but we avoid to be physically alone together like the plague? Or the fact that I always go to that necklace you gave me when I need to be confident about my outfit? And that I see you doing the relaxing techniques I taught when you’re anxious?”

When he finished his rant, Magnus could see the emotions shifting in Alec’s expression. He went from confused to alarmed to guilty and finally to perplexed. But it wasn’t just Alec’s face that Magnus was paying attention to. He also looked at the way Alec was rubbing his thumb on the inside of his hand and how he pushed his lips together, about to speak but saying nothing.

Until he did, in a small voice that did not match the strong man he was. “What are you saying? I thought… I thought you had moved on.”

“Well, I clearly didn’t, despite my great efforts.” Magnus inhaled sharply. “And I think the others know it too and they have set us up so we could talk this through. I blame your sister.”

Alec nodded. “That’s something Izzy would do.”

Sighing again, Magnus drew strength from the necklace he was wearing. Not for nothing, it was the one Alec had gifted him on his birthday when they were together. “Okay, I’ll start. I love you, Alexander, and that is very clear because I do not hide it. What I try, and obviously fail to, hide is that I am still in love with you. I have always been and I don’t think that’s changing anytime soon. So there. That’s how I feel.”

It took Alec a moment to get over his astonishment. When he did, there was a new determination on his eyes and his hand moved in the direction of Magnus’.

And then a voice sounded from a few feet away. “Hey guys!” Isabelle said, coming in the bar in a rush and taking a seat besides her brother. “Sorry. I know I’m late, but Simon offered me a ride. He’s parking the car with Clary, they should be here any moment now.” She smiled and placed a kiss on Alec’s cheek. “What are we talking about?”

Magnus smiled, showing all of his teeth. “My stupid client and her stupid ideas.”

“My favorite topic, then. Because I too have a stupid client with stupid ideas.” Isabelle smiled and then waved at the door as Clary and Simon walked in.

Using that moment of distraction, Magnus got his phone out. It had been stupid of him to think anyone aside him was still milking on that story. Of course not. Damn, Alec probably was about to tell him he had been over Magnus for ages now. He had to make amends  before it blew up on his face.

Can we pretend I didn’t just say that? Magnus typed and sent. Thankfully, Alec had his own phone in his hands and he looked at the text as soon as it arrived. As Clary and Simon sat down, Alec threw an unreadable look at Magnus’ direction that could only mean one thing. Yes.

And thus began the worst night of Magnus’ life. He tried to pretend everything was fine and that he was having the time of his life talking amenities in front of the man he had just confessed his still very alive love for. Never mind that Alec had fallen into introspective silence for the rest of the night, Magnus couldn’t stop himself from looking at him from time to time, waiting for anything. A look, a sign, a word. Anything.

But Alec gave him nothing but silence. He didn’t even look in Magnus’ direction for the rest of the night.

Magnus was pretty sure their friendship was over. When that realization came, he lost his will to keep pretending he was alright. Magnus just excused himself, not even bothering to give an excuse as simple as a headache, and went home.

He was still crushing the Chairman against his chest when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.

A text from Alec. No. No, we can’t.

Tired and feeling sincerely hopeless, Magnus didn’t have the energy to fight. He simply closed his eyes and put his phone down, wondering if he could buy a ticket to Siberia in the morning.

But then another text came. Because I’m still in love with you too.

[felisfire-blog]

Exhibit A

[5/24/2015 11:22:54 PM] *** Chibi Lyro added ddyyuu, Feeshy, Femisis R, The Alpha (Kym), ..., TIME4BUENO, Thunderess ***

[5/24/2015 11:23:16 PM] Chibi Lyro: So here is what I got:

1. A secret chat I am not a part of.

2. Staff teaming up against each other. Divided.

3. Staff using violent words, like stabbing the dumbass and things like that.

4. Bullshit that is consuming the time we could be using to enhance felisfire...

Explain please? ... hopefully in a prfessional matter... I mean we are all adults here...

[5/24/2015 11:24:29 PM] ddyyuu: 1. Secret chat is between myself, Thunderess, Sin, Tricky, Ry and Feesh, started out by us doing the scav hunt last year on Aywas~

[5/24/2015 11:25:38 PM] ...: Wasn't aware that Feesh was on our team for scav last year.

[5/24/2015 11:25:48 PM] ddyyuu: She was wasn't she?

[5/24/2015 11:25:50 PM] ddyyuu: Then left?

[5/24/2015 11:26:42 PM] Chibi Lyro: I will be in and out, still gotta do work for Slashs other site.

[5/24/2015 11:26:43 PM] Feeshy: To clear the air - nope, I was never a part of the scav team. Nor was Syachi. And I told Lyro because some of the things happening in that chat were disgusting and made me wonder whether I can trust you guys. You certainly don't trust each other, so I felt it was a larger issue among staff. So I felt Lyro needed to be informed, because this isn't okay.

[5/24/2015 11:26:47 PM] TIME4BUENO: Feesh was added recently

[5/24/2015 11:27:19 PM] TIME4BUENO: But the chat was made back during Scav planning

[5/24/2015 11:27:35 PM] Chibi Lyro: So...like... what did the issue stem from?

[5/24/2015 11:27:48 PM] ddyyuu: All sorts of things I think

[5/24/2015 11:28:00 PM] TIME4BUENO: Fem and Kym not doing their damn jobs, I'll own up to what I've said.

[5/24/2015 11:28:39 PM] Chibi Lyro: So why does this piss you off so?

[5/24/2015 11:28:50 PM] Chibi Lyro: Like why not directly address the issue on staff chat?

[5/24/2015 11:29:13 PM] TIME4BUENO: Because we've talked with Tricky about it before and nothing happened so we just decided to talk with each other when we had the chance and let it be

[5/24/2015 11:29:18 PM] TIME4BUENO: like civil adults

[5/24/2015 11:29:19 PM] Femisis R: I won't for a second deny I've been slacking (it's part of the reason I've been considering resigning), but Kym has been doing quite a bit of work around here.

[5/24/2015 11:29:20 PM] ddyyuu: ^

[5/24/2015 11:29:26 PM] ddyyuu: I mean we vent and then it's done

[5/24/2015 11:29:29 PM] TIME4BUENO: Work together professionally and bitch about it to eachother

[5/24/2015 11:29:34 PM] TIME4BUENO: So if I can't vent?

[5/24/2015 11:29:37 PM] TIME4BUENO: I'm sorry but that's bullshit.

[5/24/2015 11:30:40 PM] Femisis R: If you have something to say, say it to my face. I'm not perfect, I'm not always available or feel like being here, so maybe if someone said 'hey, I don't think you're doing your share of the work' I'd think 'you know, they're right, maybe I need to call it quits or put in more effort'

[5/24/2015 11:30:50 PM] Chibi Lyro: Venting privately means shit to me but it was brought to my attention so I am addressing it.

[5/24/2015 11:31:20 PM] ...: I don't talk shit behind people's backs.  Especially not people I consider friends.

[5/24/2015 11:31:34 PM] ...: It doesn't matter how much I disagree with any of you.

[5/24/2015 11:31:53 PM] ...: And I like to think if you had a problem to fucking grow up and say it to my face.  So I can fix it.

[5/24/2015 11:31:56 PM] TIME4BUENO: Fem we went through an entire official avenue and made an official report to Tricky, when she decided it was out of the question we dropped it.

[5/24/2015 11:32:15 PM] TIME4BUENO: Cat you talk to Kuro about it all the time

[5/24/2015 11:32:17 PM] TIME4BUENO: Don't even say that.

[5/24/2015 11:32:35 PM] ...: I don't talk about it all the time.

[5/24/2015 11:32:49 PM] ...: I had a single conversation.  Once.

[5/24/2015 11:32:53 PM] TIME4BUENO: But if you have a problem with me venting w/e I'll just talk to Josh about this shit

[5/24/2015 11:33:40 PM] ...: And it involved Kuro

[5/24/2015 11:33:52 PM] ...: Mainly how I felt about it.

[5/24/2015 11:34:10 PM] ddyyuu: Okay I'm going to give a run down of what I see going on and it may be long so talk over me while I type, I don't mind

[5/24/2015 11:34:28 PM] Feeshy: My problem is that there are these huge issues that no one is telling anyone about.  If  someone isn't doing their part, or they aren't contributing due to laziness or life, and you feel you can do it better, it's better to bring it up with them.  "Hey, you've been slacking on this, would you like me to take over for you?" or something, because some of this stuff is completely out of the blue.

[5/24/2015 11:35:02 PM] ...: Additionally I don't vehemently talking about stabbing people with knives.

[5/24/2015 11:35:52 PM] ddyyuu: I know that as a group we can work well together. Venting is what we've done because not everyone will get along. I for one, am not fond that we've had to wait forever for the masks but I know Cat know's we're reaching the end of our patience. I wonder what Fem does because I see her post sometimes but not a lot, I know Kym does things in the background and so we don't see her a lot and sometimes that feels like she's not doing anything. We've got people that want the site to move forward but we cant because some people like to give second chances and some want to move forward quickly

[5/24/2015 11:36:04 PM] ddyyuu: Slash was brought up and I mean it's not like I'm ACTUALLY GOING TO GO STAB HIM

[5/24/2015 11:36:23 PM] TIME4BUENO: Not to mention the actual stabbing was of your eyes

[5/24/2015 11:36:24 PM] ddyyuu: So it wasn't like I was planning out how to do it

[5/24/2015 11:36:27 PM] TIME4BUENO: Yours

[5/24/2015 11:36:28 PM] ddyyuu: Yeah

[5/24/2015 11:36:34 PM] ddyyuu: I stabbed out my eyes too in that vent

[5/24/2015 11:36:44 PM] ddyyuu: Guess I'm going to actually stab out my eyes next? XD

[5/24/2015 11:37:03 PM] The Alpha (Kym): It took me a bit of time to work up the nerve to talk, but I'll say it now.

I thought you people were my damned friends.

You guys could of CAME TO ME about this damned shit and I would of asked where to improve. When I'm here, I help with data gathering whenever there's thought on an MA, I accept and deny apps, lock threads that go over (Tricky assigned me this solo job quite some time back when I was still in school back when I didn't have the time to spend here and nobody complained then) and do odd jobs nobody else wants to do.

Venting is good and all, but when you don't TELL THE PEOPLE and say this stuff BEHIND OUR BACKS, trust is broken guys.

[5/24/2015 11:37:14 PM] The Alpha (Kym): I've thrown up three times tonight over this.

[5/24/2015 11:37:29 PM] The Alpha (Kym): Physically ill because I didn't know how to feel knowing this inside.

[5/24/2015 11:37:35 PM] Chibi Lyro: [Sunday, May 24, 2015 11:36 PM] ddyyuu:

<<< Slash was brought up and I mean it's not like I'm ACTUALLY GOING TO GO STAB HIM

Hard to believe that if you ever ran into him... XD Just joking, even though the matter is serious... just who I ams.

[5/24/2015 11:37:52 PM] TIME4BUENO: Lyro Tori's a pastry puff she couldn't stab a man XD

[5/24/2015 11:37:57 PM] ddyyuu: XD

[5/24/2015 11:38:04 PM] ddyyuu: I'd probably be like "YOUR MEAN"

[5/24/2015 11:38:07 PM] ddyyuu: And then run away

[5/24/2015 11:38:38 PM] Feeshy: I'd probably give you a marshmallow knife for effect or something.  That said, we have a huge communication issue p:

[5/24/2015 11:38:38 PM] TIME4BUENO: But literally none of you can say you've NEVER vented to someone about someone on staff

[5/24/2015 11:38:45 PM] TIME4BUENO: Or a user

[5/24/2015 11:38:52 PM] TIME4BUENO: Or hell lets take it out of FF

[5/24/2015 11:39:03 PM] TIME4BUENO: You can't begin to tell me you've never vented to someone about another person

[5/24/2015 11:39:06 PM] ddyyuu: Because lets face it, I know I'm talked about behind backs for this reason right here

[5/24/2015 11:39:07 PM] TIME4BUENO: Like seriously?

[5/24/2015 11:39:11 PM] Femisis R: It's not the venting so much as no one brought these things to our attention.

[5/24/2015 11:39:15 PM] ddyyuu: But I mean, yee, it's just a vent

[5/24/2015 11:39:20 PM] Feeshy: I don't think venting is the main issue, it's just the one that hurts most.

[5/24/2015 11:39:27 PM] Femisis R: If you think I'm slacking, tell me.

[5/24/2015 11:39:33 PM] TIME4BUENO: If any of y'all were talking about me behind my back w/e I don't care. Think what you think I literally could not give less shits.

[5/24/2015 11:39:39 PM] Femisis R: If you think I'm not invested in the site, say so.

[5/24/2015 11:39:54 PM] Femisis R: But venting won't fix the problem.

[5/24/2015 11:40:13 PM] ...: That didn't make it any less hurtful to read.  I told Tricky weeks ago I couldn't finish the masks.  I gave her what I'd done, because she wanted to find someone else to do them.  Now I'm fixing it by giving back the items.  See, in my eyes the issue was resolved.  I'm only human.

[5/24/2015 11:40:32 PM] TIME4BUENO: Fem we literally went through Tricky to do this as I've said, we filed an official friggin' report. We dropped it after that, we let the boss know like what was protocol dude. That's how things went, that's how she /told/ us things were supposed to go. It was to stem any fighting.

[5/24/2015 11:41:02 PM] Chibi Lyro: So we need a system of who does what and due dates then?

[5/24/2015 11:41:06 PM] Femisis R: In any case, I'm officially resigning as staff effective as soon as I can get Lyro to do it. I've come to terms with the fact that as much as I want to help Felisfire, I've lost touch with the site and I'm not in to it anymore, so I'm not very much use around here.

[5/24/2015 11:41:08 PM | Edited 11:41:26 PM] The Alpha (Kym): On staff, I can say I haven't until tonight (and I actually stopped Fem).

Users, I admit I have (Nabiki, Pigeon and Cats) being the key targets I ever have.

The last time Tricky came to me was a while back, which is when she put me on a lighter workload. She's given me many odd jobs whenever I'm locking threads.

[5/24/2015 11:42:16 PM] Chibi Lyro: Like I mean what is the resolve we can all agree on?

[5/24/2015 11:42:53 PM] Chibi Lyro: So problems are:

1. Venting.

2. Staff not pulling their load.

and now trust issues?

[5/24/2015 11:43:04 PM] ddyyuu: Trust issues stemming from venting I think

[5/24/2015 11:43:12 PM] ddyyuu: and we didn't want to tell people to do more work

[5/24/2015 11:43:19 PM] TIME4BUENO: If we decide we can't vent I'm sorry but that's utter bs

[5/24/2015 11:44:08 PM] Chibi Lyro: Maybe openly vent? And keep it non violent when it comes to other staff members?

[5/24/2015 11:44:16 PM] The Alpha (Kym): The thing here for me is that I would of been more okay with you guys venting if you had openly vented, instead of behind my back.

[5/24/2015 11:44:50 PM] Feeshy: Not venting is utter BS. It isn't my preferred method of anger relief nor is it something I regularly participate in, but I think the problem is both the nature, intent and that none of these problems were immediately obvious to those being vented about.

[5/24/2015 11:44:55 PM] TIME4BUENO: Openly vent and then fight?

[5/24/2015 11:44:59 PM] TIME4BUENO: Yeah that'll work.

[5/24/2015 11:45:07 PM] ...: If people have a problem with someone, either bring it up with them or suck it up.  None of this talking behind people's backs bullshit.  Vent to people outside of staff because otherwise this is going to turn into highschool cliques.

[5/24/2015 11:45:26 PM] Chibi Lyro: [Sunday, May 24, 2015 11:44 PM] TIME4BUENO:

<<< Openly vent and then fight?

Yeah that'll work.

As long as you do it with marshmallows...

[5/24/2015 11:45:30 PM] Femisis R: I'm not going to start a fight over something that's true.

[5/24/2015 11:45:32 PM] ddyyuu: XD Lyro

[5/24/2015 11:45:41 PM] ddyyuu: (At least you're trying to keep things light)

[5/24/2015 11:45:47 PM] Femisis R: I might be a bit miffed, but I'm an adult and I'll handle it like an adult.

[5/24/2015 11:46:33 PM] ...: Staff should be together as one and be professional.  We're only human, we make mistakes.  I don't say to other people what I don't say to the person themselves.

[5/24/2015 11:47:09 PM] ddyyuu: ^ That isn't true for everyone though

[5/24/2015 11:47:26 PM] ddyyuu: Some vent to avoid these things because it's just a one time thing that'll be forgotten later

[5/24/2015 11:47:32 PM] ddyyuu: and they don't like fights

[5/24/2015 11:47:35 PM] TIME4BUENO: We're professional in professional spaces

[5/24/2015 11:47:43 PM] TIME4BUENO: I don't see how venting changes that at all

[5/24/2015 11:48:10 PM] ...: Oh so 'what someone doesn't know can't hurt them' then?  Is that it?

[5/24/2015 11:48:18 PM] ddyyuu: In my case yes

[5/24/2015 11:48:20 PM] ddyyuu: Because you know what

[5/24/2015 11:48:23 PM] ddyyuu: I hate fighting

[5/24/2015 11:48:25 PM] ddyyuu: I hate this

[5/24/2015 11:48:28 PM] ddyyuu: this breaks my fucking heart

[5/24/2015 11:48:31 PM] ddyyuu: you want to know the truth

[5/24/2015 11:48:35 PM] ddyyuu: I vent and then I'm done

[5/24/2015 11:48:38 PM] TIME4BUENO: ^

[5/24/2015 11:48:44 PM] ddyyuu: People will be people

[5/24/2015 11:48:49 PM] Femisis R: It breaks my heart knowing that people think poorly of me and won't tell me to my face.

[5/24/2015 11:48:55 PM] The Alpha (Kym): ^^^

[5/24/2015 11:49:03 PM] Femisis R: I've had enough of people doing it to me in real life, I don't need to deal with it online.

[5/24/2015 11:49:11 PM] ddyyuu: It's not in my nature to just go and talk to people face to face because I'll be yelled at and then a fight breaks out

[5/24/2015 11:49:14 PM] ddyyuu: and then what?

[5/24/2015 11:49:19 PM] TIME4BUENO: ^

[5/24/2015 11:49:19 PM] ddyyuu: This is my viewpoint

[5/24/2015 11:49:37 PM] ...: That's your insecurities.  Have I ever yelled at anyone?  Ever?

[5/24/2015 11:49:49 PM] ddyyuu: Well my insecurities play into WHO I am

[5/24/2015 11:50:15 PM] TIME4BUENO: Like literally I don't say shit to people's faces because I can't. I respect people too much so I vent, get it the hell out of my system and move on. If it comes up again, I get it out again, and it's over.

[5/24/2015 11:50:24 PM] ddyyuu: ^

[5/24/2015 11:51:48 PM] ...: Then perhaps if one cannot communicate properly then one should question whether being staff in a context that requires openness and honesty is something one should really be doing.

[5/24/2015 11:52:07 PM] ddyyuu: I cant even right now

[5/24/2015 11:52:09 PM] TIME4BUENO: I can communicate just fine

[5/24/2015 11:52:15 PM] TIME4BUENO: That was extremely rude

[5/24/2015 11:52:18 PM] ddyyuu: Fuck you cat

[5/24/2015 11:52:21 PM] TIME4BUENO: and I'm stepping away now so I don't say something

[5/24/2015 11:52:22 PM] TIME4BUENO: like that

[5/24/2015 11:52:23 PM] ...: No, that was honest.

[5/24/2015 11:52:28 PM] ddyyuu: So was that

[5/24/2015 11:52:30 PM] Feeshy: Venting isn't a free out for everything, though.  It's true that I shouldn't have told lyro what was going on in your private conversation, because that's a breech of trust. But at the same time, how you handle conflict with other staff members is one of the questions on the mod application for a reason.

[5/24/2015 11:52:30 PM] TIME4BUENO: no that was fucking rude

[5/24/2015 11:52:51 PM] TIME4BUENO: And llike I fucking said we went through the avenue that TRICKY TOLD US TO USE

[5/24/2015 11:52:55 PM] TIME4BUENO: WHEN IT HAPPENDD

[5/24/2015 11:52:58 PM] TIME4BUENO: So I'm SORRY

[5/24/2015 11:53:00 PM] TIME4BUENO: that I did THAT

[5/24/2015 11:53:07 PM] TIME4BUENO: Like fucking hell

[5/24/2015 11:53:20 PM] TIME4BUENO: I'm going to step out before my anxiety attack gets any worse.

[5/24/2015 11:53:28 PM] TIME4BUENO: I'm already having trouble breathing as is.

[5/24/2015 11:53:33 PM] ...: I'm not sorry for being honest.

[5/24/2015 11:53:43 PM] ddyyuu: Me neither

[5/24/2015 11:53:52 PM] ...: I'm not sorry that you feel that way about me.

[5/24/2015 11:53:59 PM] ddyyuu: Me neither~

[5/24/2015 11:55:14 PM] ...: I already vented my fuck yous

[5/24/2015 11:55:16 PM] ddyyuu: Someone shouldn't be staff if they cant do their jobs

[5/24/2015 11:55:35 PM] Feeshy: Then that would probably be for the best. I can't speak for anyone else, but I still consider you all people I love, despite how you all feel about big pandabears rolling on you. But it's something we need to get worked out to fix the disconnect on staff, isn't it?  If it isn't, just grab a few pikes and get me out of here now, because I wanted to see it worked out.

[5/24/2015 11:55:45 PM] *** TIME4BUENO has left ***

[automatismoateo]

I honestly want religion to be wiped off the face of the Earth. Rant post so just keep scrolling if you don’t wanna read my rant. via /r/atheism

Submitted July 29, 2019 at 07:40AM by Bloodfire474 (Via reddit https://ift.tt/32XtPak) I honestly want religion to be wiped off the face of the Earth. Rant post so just keep scrolling if you don’t wanna read my rant.

I find religion sickening. People are always worried about what their deity can do for them, it is never about what they can do for their deity. They want prayers answered, they want miracles, they want everything but yet they only give a few hours a week to the cause. It is all about spreading the word and indoctrinating kids at a young age so they won’t question things when they grow up. It’s about hating and punishing people who don’t believe the same beliefs and who don’t follow a set of rules made by some jack ass forever ago.

I feel like I’m the only one who is not stuck in a box, which in a weird way makes me feel like I am stuck in a box. Ha.

Everyone around me is religious and I just can’t wrap my head around it. I wanna say they don’t have a choice because they were indoctrinated at a young age, but that just sound like bullshit. Even my father who is one of the most intelligent people I know. I have talked to a few people about it and no one understands. The one person who did understand (my recent ex) is now delusional and can’t make a decision on her own because she takes every little coincidence as a sign from God. There are all of these intelligent people around me but no one sees it the way I do. It is like there is a thick mist of religious bullshit that they can’t see through. I’ve been through some shit but I have never felt as isolated and alone as I have recently.

It just comes down to the fact that I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated as hell. I know there are tons of atheists out there, but they just don’t seem to be anywhere near me.

I see religion and all of these religious people from outside the box and from this view it just looks pathetic on the inside. With the world we live in, you think it would be easy to see through the bullshit but no one seems to be able to see through it except for me.

It is like believing in a fairy tale to me. Someone saying they believed in unicorns is on the same level as someone believing in some omnipotent being who is all mighty and who loves us all. Seems like some people aren’t even living in reality.

I think we need to stop relying on god to fix all of our problems. We need to stop believing in things that we don’t have evidence for and we need to look at the real world. Imagine what the human race could achieve if we believed in ourselves instead of fearing some being and thinking we are weak.

My intention was not to upset anyone, just to vent my frustrations.

I may make some edits if something else pops into my head.