#(I plan to do a deep dive on the topic again in coming time)

[kittenshift-17]

Omg I feel like any teen wolf fic (sterek fic) you write would be amazing, on that topic ur an amazing writer and I’m glad that one day I stumbled upon one of your fics. And also speaking of sterek fics (or any teen wolf fic) do u have and recommendations on what to read for that fandom???

Okay, so I took my time with this one because I had read some, but not a lot... but oh boy, did I deep dive into the research to bring you some top tier Sterek Fic Recs.

TOP 20 STEREK RECS

Play It Again by metisket ***I LOVED THIS ONE***

In which Stiles goes along with one of Derek’s plans and ends up in an alternate universe as a result. He should’ve known better. He did know better, actually, and that means he has no one to blame but himself.

“Laura wants to lure the kid in with food and kindness and make a pet of him, like a feral cat. Derek wants to have him arrested for stalking. They’re at an impasse. (And the rest of the family is staying emphatically out of it in a way that suggests bets have been placed.)”

So Shed Your Skin and Lets Get Started by halfhardtorock

He's sixteen and in the woods on the wrong side of the town-line and he's so fucking fucked.

He knows he's not supposed to run, they teach that to you in preschool (don't run from a Were, back away slowly and walk with care), but they never told you how it would feel, standing alone in the dark with your heart beating in your throat as those glowing eyes tracked you from the shadows.

Don't Feed the Wolves by Amazonia_8

Stiles took the dare, because what else was he supposed to do when the whole lacrosse team was chanting his name? Even though the werewolf pack had left Beacon Hills years ago, nobody was stupid enough to set foot on the Hale property.

Except, apparently, Stiles.

Now he's got a feral werewolf following him around town with the sole purpose of claiming Stiles as his own.

so now you've got the best of me (come on and take the rest of me) by mangotangos

"It doesn't matter how hot Derek is, how Stiles barely comes up to his shoulders or how Derek's hands could probably fit really snugly around his waist. None of it matters, because he's basically a glorified babysitter for the foreseeable future and Stiles wants him out. Operation annoy Deputy Derek Hale into leaving begins now."

~or, the one where Stiles' dad hires Deputy Derek to be Stiles' bodyguard, Stiles hates him on principle and then 2 seconds later falls in lust (and love) and tries to seduce him into bed with his sexual prowess.

There Are No Wolves In California by kitsunequeen

Hunter!Stiles accidentally hits a wolf with his car and can't bear to leave him in the road to die. It's not till he gets the wolf home that he sees its eyes glow red... ------- Even everyday roadkill is upsetting, but this thing… Moments ago it was probably a majestic beast, and now it’s a mangled pile of soon-to-be rotting flesh. He presses a shaking hand to the only part of its chest left intact, not even thinking about whether it'll give him rabies or some other awful disease.

He’s about to pull back when something even crazier happens.

He realizes the wolf is breathing.

(not so) Pure Imagination by theroguesgambit

"There is a world where whenever someone fantasizes about you, you can physically feel it, but you have no idea who is thinking it about you."

Stiles knows it's wrong, but he's been Fantasizing about Derek and he can't bring himself to stop. Derek doesn't know who's taken an interest in him, but he's enjoying it way more than he probably should.

Little Wild Animal by DiscontentedWinter

Derek Hale finds a feral human on his pack's property. Humans are supposed to be extinct. But then, Stiles is full of surprises.

The Darkness Inside by isthatbloodonhisshirt (wasterella)

The sheriff watched him for a moment, then he sighed and turned slightly. He reached out to open a cabinet door beside him, and pulled out a shelf. It was on a track, so it rolled out of the cabinet fairly easily, and held a small CCTV. Derek frowned and inched his chair to the side a little bit so he could get a better angle.

He was looking at a teenager, or someone at least young enough to be the same age as Scott. He was sitting on a bed in what looked to be a larger room, the area he was in surrounded by four glass walls, with his legs crossed and head tilted.

He was also staring directly into the camera, as if he knew someone was watching. A creepy smile slowly slid onto the teen’s face, and he held up one hand, wiggling his fingers in a slow, eery wave.

Derek felt his mouth run dry. He didn’t know who this kid was, but he didn’t like him.

“Who is that?” he asked quietly.

“That,” said the sheriff, “is my son.”

What I Did On My Summer Vacation by grimm for missingsun

There's something weird about Beacon Hills that Stiles can't quite put his finger on. The way everyone in town knows his name the day he arrives. The way they insist the melancholic howling that echoes through the forest every night is just a dog. The way his dad denies getting a dog, even though Stiles comes home to find one sprawled across his bed, some big black thing whose eyes gleam red in the right light. The way that massive oak tree out in the woods vibrates under his touch, pulsing with sickly life.

There's something weird going on in this town, and Stiles is determined to get to the bottom of it.

Patterns of Intention by drunktuesdays

Derek looked like the stuff of his deepest fantasies. His shirt was rumpled where Stiles had his hands in it, and he was breathing hard as well, chest heaving. His eyes—his eyes were glazed over and he looked stunned, like he’d been—like Stiles had—

“No,” Stiles said, blood draining from his face. The word was croaky and felt like it had to be wrenched out of his chest. “God, no.”

Wants & Needs by MadcapRomantic

Derek Hale has been participating in the Beacon Hills Mating Run for a decade, each year coming up without a mate. His mother, convinced this is his lucky year, persuades him to run one last time.

Enter Stiles, a young Omega with an unwanted Alpha nipping at his heels.

Family or not, Peter is determined to have Stiles.

But convinced they are True Mates, there isn't anything Derek won't do to keep Stiles safe.

I don't know why, but I guess it has something to do with you by LunaCanisLupus_22 for xXxClassifiedxXx 

“You smell like me,” the guy says, scowling as he crowds in and Stiles staggers back between the coats and finally hits the wall. “Why do you smell like me?”

He barely lets out a garbled sound as the blood rushes to his cheeks. “No reason,” Stiles yelps, struggling to get his footing and grasping at a whirlwind of puffy fur.

Or the one where Stiles goes thrift shopping and steals an alpha's shirt. And gets a lot more than he bargains for.

Sleeping Dogs by starsystems

Let sleeping dogs lie. Prov. Do not instigate trouble.;Leave something alone if it might cause trouble.

Derek Hale is asleep in Stiles's bed. And it just escalates from there.

Because of course it does.

We've Written Volumes (in Blood and Scars and Ink) by notthequiettype

Stiles is on his back on hard-packed dirt. He's cold and there are leaves stuck to his neck and there's a four inch gash in his side that he thinks he can feel his ribs through. There's so much blood around him he feels like he's floating on a pond and everything is so much dimmer above him than it was a minute ago, which is saying something because he's in the dark center of the forest in the middle of the night. And the worst of it is that he's alone, totally alone with the smell of his own blood drowning him and the soft side of him run through by a tree.

As his eyes slip shut, the last thing he thinks is, "This is going to kill my dad."

In Case You Didn't Know by Blu_Crowe

Stiles moves into the lofts, and he and Derek start to get closer. Unfortunately Stiles is a moron, and Derek is bad at feelings. They figure it out... Eventually.

Stilinski's Home for Wayward Wolves by owlpostagain

“At least your puppies knock first,” Stiles snorts. “Here I thought their alpha raised them to be well-mannered.” 



“There’s a sign,” Derek responds stiffly. 



Stiles, whose curiosity outweighs even his hardest of grudges, abandons his chilly façade of nonchalance in a heartbeat. He jumps right up and all but pushes Derek out of the way in his effort to get to the window, and sure enough when he leans outside there’s a laminated strip of cardstock duct taped to the vinyl siding: 



DON’T FORGET TO KNOCK Stiles gets cranky when we scare him

---

Or, in which Stiles Stilinski moves to Beacon Hills for his junior year of high school and accidentally adopts a pack of teenage werewolves.

Lock All The Doors Behind You by entanglednow

He has no idea what you're supposed to say when you find one of your...werewolf acquaintances, completely out of their mind, growling like they're about to see what your insides taste like. There's no handbook for this. Stiles is thinking that if he survives he might write one.

Feral Formalities by Aleandri

"There was silence as no one seemed to breath at the table.

Derek had just gifted Stiles, an unmated Omega, with food.

Right in front of another Alpha.

Who he was on a date with.

To discuss being heat partners...."

*In which, Stiles presents as Omega, and everyone wants a piece of the alpha-baby-making ass!*

for a good time, call... by EvanesDust for kalika_999

Stiles unlocks his phone to send out a quick text asking his father what he wants to eat, even though he’ll get salad regardless, and notices a strange number on his recent call log.

His face scrunches in confusion before realization dawns on him.

Oh shit.

Events from the night before peek through the hazy fog of his mind. Stiles thought, or he was hoping, that the phone call was a dream. But there it is, staring at him in the face—a one minute and 57-second call to an unfamiliar number.

Oh God.

Did he seriously call someone—possibly an alpha werewolf!—for phone sex?

...Or the one where Stiles drunk dials a very grumpy alpha werewolf and propositions him for phone sex. Hilarity, misunderstandings, and feelings ensue.

Golden Boy by trilliath 

Apparently it still amuses his uncle to buy sex slaves for him, no matter how steadfastly he refuses to use them. Derek ducks into his tent with a resigned sigh, prepared to dress and reassign whatever new beauty Peter has bought him. They do make for loyal servants, so he can't really complain about Peter's 'gifts'. But it is annoying to deal with, to have to spend his evening sorting out a slave instead of being able to go right to bed. It's just something he has to learn to accept as a byproduct of serving alongside his uncle.

But when he lays eyes on the boy laying amid his furs, he finds his breath catching in his throat. His skin is golden with the candle-light glimmering against the sheen of oil that has been slathered on his bared body. His lips are parted, and they work over inaudible words or sounds. His skin is flushed, nipples peaked and pierced with simple but unexpected golden rings. He's spectacularly beautiful in the candlelight. The many glowing candles that have been added to his usual lighting cast glittering edges and shadows, imbuing an almost unearthly golden color to his skin.

It's enough that Derek hesitates.

[vii0so]

[BSD 120.5] Theory/Analysis

NOTE BEFORE READING: 90% of this post was written on the day of the chapter's release but got forgotten in my drafts. As I'm too lazy right now to read through and edit, expect things that: make no sense, are worded as if the chapter came out today or recently, stop in the middle of the sentence/incomplete etc. Also for some reason I added stuff not directly relating to the chap...I'm sure I wanted to lead into a bigger point but by now I have no idea what I was going for.

I realised it's almost time for the new chapter and that's how I remembered this was still in my drafts...

So I'm posting it more for me rather than anyone else (which I sort of already do anyway).

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Well well well...it's been another month so I'm here again to put my 2 cents in on this month's chapter.

I'm sure there's no need to say it but the following will contain spoilers for BSD chapter 120.5.

And as always with my long posts...expect me to sidetrack a lot.

This includes a deep dive into Fyodor's title as well.

Today's Topics:

Humanity & Fyodor's outlook

Fyodor's title

Fyodor's humanity

Ability Users & Humans

The page isn't with Fyodor

Thoughts on Fukuzawa's "death"

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Humanity & Fyodor's outlook

Today's chapter gives us a great insight on Fyodor's goal, or at least confirms the one we already knew of and bathes it in a new light. But let's first start with what his outlook on humans is.

"An unlearned outlook befitting of your short lives."

"Your" = humans "Short lives" = human lifespans

This is basically saying: "You haven't lived as long as me so you don't know/understand" Or better yet, "You will never have enough time in your short lives to learn like I did."

Fyodor in his immortal life has seen things, witnessed eras come and go, same with wars. He has had nothing but time to observe humanity and their many flaws.

He believes no one with a short life-span (humans) will understand his learned outlook.

Note: We don't know how old Fyodor actually is. I personally believe that he's over two thousand years old but I only have one small piece of unrelated evidence that supports this. Though, no matter the age, he has lived a long time, that doesn't change.

Fyodor looks genuine in this scene. The look of "acceptance". Accepting the fact that humans won't understand or change, no matter how many centuries pass.

Note: It should be remembered that acceptance does not mean compliance. Fyodor is the perfect example of this.

It honestly feels lonely. Trust me, I don't even like Fyodor but this is just depressing, even for the villain. Imagine your ability has made you pretty much immortal and you watch humanity make the same mistakes, have the same flaws, see them drive themselves to ruin multiple times and no one will ever understand you as they haven't lived as long as you. (Arguably, I'd say Dazai got close)

TLDR: Imagine living forever and watching humans ruin themselves repeatedly and having no one who will understand what you're thinking. That's Fyodor's life.

He lost faith in humanity a long time ago.

Anyway...on a different note (slight backtrack), our boy Atsushi seems to agree or at least understand that "Humanity cannot bear such enormous virtue." Based on his expression here and the panel.

It's like his expression is saying, "Damn, he's right, I've gone through so much to stop this but it's just way too much even for me (an ability user)." or something...idk honestly.

Atsushi is emotionally tuned in with the world so maybe he just saw Fyodor's expression and was like: "holy shi-" again, idk.

"Pure evil"...not like anyone has said otherwise about Fyodor.

His calm yet determined(?) expression when Fukuzawa tells him this shows that he finds what he's doing as necessary and planned.

What Fyodor wants is a world war. Specifically, one that will eliminate all ability users. Instead of getting his hands dirty, it'll be done by humans.

Now, I know that ability users get separated a lot from your every day average human but Fyodor's choice of words shows that he doesn't view ability users as humans at all.

Though, the way he uses the word "humanity" may be more as in those of the greater population, or just "The ones without abilities."

With [One Order] though, does "humanity" include ability users? In theory it should, and yet it doesn't seem that way.

Fyodor believes there will be peace if ability users are gone...Looks like he either has never seen a world without ability users or there's more to this plan than he's letting on.

"What...are you...? I can't possibly see you as human."

Fyodor has never once claimed to be human. Or at least he has never seen himself as human.

And he clearly separates himself from those with short lives (humans) as a different being.

He has been considered a demon throughout the whole series.

Now for my monthly: "Analyse the original Japanese even though I don't speak it."

Today's segment will mostly be my curiosity taking word form, so feel free to skip to the next part or enjoy.

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Fyodor's title

First off, I didn't manage to get the raws to see the spelling of the title. I only heard the spoken Japanese version in the anime, which was "majin".

[ Dazai says it around 12:33 in Season 3 Episode 8 ]

So feel free to interpret it as either [魔神] or [魔人] (both are pronounced as "majin" but have different meanings).

Due to the official translation calling him "conjurer", I thought that maybe it was [ 魔人 ] but the fact that the fan translation calls him "demon", points closer to [ 魔神 ].

Left: Fan translation (DazaiScans) | Right: Official English translation

When you break it down more into individual Kanji, you start to see the difference and similarities.

Both are pronounced as "jin" when in "majin".

[ 魔 ] / "ma" is in both [ 魔神 ] and [ 魔人 ]. And it's from "ma" that we get the more demonic/evil meaning.

So, in a way, even [ 魔人 ] could be seen as "demonic person".

[ 魔 ] / "ma" is in "majin" and "akuma"

Now, when Dazai was called a "demon" he was referred to as "akuma".

As you can see, [ 悪魔 ] is way more serious than [ 魔人 ] or [ 魔神 ] .

This obviously gets lost in translation, as both become "demon".

One instance where Dazai is being referred to as 悪魔 is in the 15 light novel and manga adaptation. For some reason, it's not in the anime.

I'm not here to talk about Dazai's humanity though. I just wanted to show the difference in seriousness of "demon" between the titles*.

*Correction, "Demon" is not Dazai's title. While he has been called as such, his only known title was "Black Wraith" (Kuroi Yuuki - 黒い幽鬼).

Yuuki [ 幽鬼 ] - ghost; revenant; spirit (of the dead); departed soul

Kuro [ 黒 ] - black (as noun) - Kuroi [ 黒い ] = black (as adjective)

So back to the topic at hand!

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Fyodor's humanity

Fyodor being referred to as "majin" instead of "akuma" makes a big difference even if both can be "demon".

In this chapter - as I stated earlier - we see Fyodor talk as if he isn't human. Akuma would refer to a demon - not human, but majin refers more closely to an "evil being", and if it's [ 魔人 ] it can especially be seen as a "demonic/evil human".

Therefore, Fyodor's title shows that he is human, no matter how much he separates himself and the rest of the ability users from the greater human population.

...Wait a minute...just remembered something.

I should have trusted my memory and checked the raws from chapter 120 earlier...it was literally only a month ago and yet I almost forgot Fukuzawa literally used Fyodor's title at the end of the chapter!

So Fyodor's title is [ 魔人 ]

[ 魔 ] for "witch", "demon", "evil spirit"

[ 人 ] for "person"

...Remembering this earlier would have saved me so much time ;-;

I will still keep what I wrote from earlier - my rambling about wether it's [ 魔人 ] or [ 魔神 ] - as I spent way too long on it and don't have enough mental energy to change it.

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Ability Users & Humans

(Specifically in the eyes of Fyodor)

Now that we know it's [ 魔人 ], I can analyse further into Fyodor's view on ability users.

In short, Humans are...humans, I won't go into the foolishness and ugliness of humans, because in life there's death just like there's pain in love, it's yin and yang. Basically: where there's good, there's evil.

人類 - mankind; humanity

異能 - unusual power; superpower; ability beyond that of humans

者 - person (rarely used without a qualifier)

I understand 者 as the user in "ability user"

So 人類 vs 異能者 = Humanity vs Ability users.

[Section Incomplete] - I remember wanting to talk about how Fyodor sees himself and then talking about how that shows how he views humanity and ability users. First off, he doesn't care what he becomes or is seen as. He is the type to "willingly become a demon for future peace" (at least "peace" in his eyes). I remember having a plan (in my head) for this section but...by now I've forgotten and are too lazy to continue it.

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The page isn't with Fyodor

This may sound strange since we see Fukuchi hold the page too but remember: we never saw them actually use/write on the "page" that we've seen. It's basically just a normal piece of paper.

Fukuchi claims the paper he's holding as the page. [Chapter 83.5]

There's no proof of it actually being the page though.

Fyodor offers the page to Atsushi [Chapter 119]

This was Fyodor's plan to show Atsushi that the page is there with them. So that he has no reason to question where the page is.

If you see an apple in front of you, you won't be thinking "I wonder where the apple is" but instead believe that it's right there.

I had a far fetched thought that maybe the page was with Fyodor in the prison and then made to be found by Sigma in the guise of the note claiming he needs help:

When Sigma picks it up, it looks like there are two papers.

And yet, when he shows it to Fyodor there seems to only be a one:

Now of course, this could just be artistic error or even mere perspective but I don't think so. Every detail is usually intentional.

So what's the second paper?

The page.

...possibly

"How did Sigma not realise?" I don't know...Maybe it's been changed to appear as a blank page somehow.

This would tie in with my theory from last update that Fyodor is in a rush to get to Sigma before he wakes up.

Atsushi thinks Fyodor has the page and that he'll have to take it off him (steal it) somehow. He has no idea that the page isn't even close by but instead in Meursault.

A lot of people think "How could Atsushi's day get any worse?"

Well...fight a literal god-like-level being who is controlled by a 2k+ old evil mastermind who wants to get rid of all ability users by manipulating the general public and then never even get the page that you were fighting for because you were being manipulated this entire time and the page was never there...

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Thoughts on Fukuzawa's "death"

First off, I don't think I've mentioned it in my theories so far but I don't believe that those "killed" by ame-no-gozen will stay dead. At some point, all of them will be alive again with no issues.

Anyway, Fukuzawa's "death" reminded me of Rampo after the "Kamui is Fukuchi" discovery. Is this a sign that we'll see him in the next chapter? ...probably not, but it did feel like a parallel, at least to me.

Also, I know last time I said "maybe next chapter he'll die" but no, this is not the death

Btw, this feels like a parallel to me even if it's not exactly the same:

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██████████ Complete!

Note: The following segment was written around a week after the chapter released.

The moment I finished reading the chapter (a few hours after it released) I started typing this immediately. So I've been writing this on and off for a week now...

First, I was tired IRL, then the next day was busy, and the next and the next and...you get it. I probably wrote most of it on the first day while tired so don't mind if anything makes no sense.

This must be the longest theory post I've written for BSD so far...

Should I stop doing long posts? Would you guys prefer short ones? I try to do one long post per chapter, but I feel like not many people read them, precisely because they're long. I like doing it like this as it's more compact (in my opinion) but if you guys would like me to stop the long posts let me know.

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To the people who actually read this post, if anything doesn't make sense or seems incomplete, it's because I wrote all this while tired (35% with a headache) and whenever i came back to write more I couldn't remember what I was trying to say...

It was in my drafts partially incomplete so since we're expecting the new update soon, I remembered this and posted it.

[umlewis]

Mercedes told me "you’re wrong" about 2022 car’s problems – Hamilton

The new series of Drive to Survive reveals how Lewis Hamilton’s relationship with Mercedes became strained before he decided to leave. The seven-times world champion was frustrated by the team’s failure to act on his warnings about their first car built for the technical regulations Formula 1 introduced in 2022. "I remember complaining to the team and being like, look, we have to make these changes, otherwise this is the trajectory we’re going to go on and this is where we’re going to end up," he told the programme makers. "Please, please do something about it. I remember they said, like, we know what we’re doing, you’re wrong. And that was definitely an interesting moment. I was like, okay, I’ll step back, don’t want to step on anybody’s toes. Then when we got into the season, then we spoke again [they said] 'oh, maybe you were right."

Mercedes have only won a single race over the past two seasons with the W13 and its conceptually similarly successor. Early last year the team confirmed it had changed the philosophy behind its new car for 2024, which Hamilton is testing for the first time today. Technical director Mike Elliott left the team last year and his predecessor, James Allison, returned to the role. The new series of Drive to Survive was completed before Hamilton announced he will leave Mercedes at the end of this year. His destination is Ferrari. He told media including RaceFans last year Mercedes were consulting him and teammate George Russell more closely on their plans for the new W15. "I do continue to have lots of meetings back to the factory on so many different topics about the car, whether it’s ride quality, whether it's vehicle dynamics, whether it’s suspension, whether it’s steering, whether it’s about tyres, whatever it may be," he said. "So we’ll continue to have that and I think we have a better process than we’ve ever had before. So it’s much more engaging for both George and I. We often have meetings where we’re both in that room together, so we’re able to really deep-dive on any questions that the engineers don’t potentially get to come to the grands prix, if they’ve had any questions they can ask. The other day I went to the aero department," he added. "It’s clear that no one’s happy with where we are and how we’ve done this year, but it was massively encouraging to see how driven everyone was. Everyone’s heads were down, everyone was at their stations and clearly pushing incredibly hard."

[alteregomp4]

Lets talk about Lestat and Gabrielle relationship...

HUGE TRIGGER WARNING: for talks of incest. and spoilers for The Vampire Lestat I guess, but once again... talks of incest.

FYI: In no way am I trying to villainize Gabrielle and if it comes off that way that is not my attention as she is also clearly a victim, I view her as such and her story is an interesting one to also dive into especially with the aspects of gender and how society sees gender identity. But we should also acknowledge that victims can sometimes become perpetrators unknowingly sadly, especially due to external factors and deep seated trauma stemming from childhood or events that have happened to that person that are clearly established in the book The Vampire Lestat and throughout the whole series even if unintentional on Anne Rice part. And once again, this is just my point of view and how I interpreted it. I truly just wish people would approach a topic like this with nuance, seriousness, and finally respect as most of the time in the books these subjects are not.

Possible controversial opinion since people love joking about it and even want it in the show which I think that's rather odd to do or want since like you guys do know that victims of this actual stuff exist as well as the fact they could be consuming said media for multiple reasons but I think people in the interview with the vampire/the vampire chronicles fandom especially book readers and ESPECIALLY those that are also Anne Rice d riders should realize that the relationship between Lestat and his mother was and is emotional incest... something that is not often talked but just as harmful as overt incest. It is also very codependent but I will just be high-lighting the convert incest here, though the two overlap a ton in these types of relationships.

This is something that affects someone for life and isn't really that funny and something that shouldn't be seen as sexy like it has been in media recently due to House Of The Dragon plus some other things that's came out in recent years, it's quite gross how normalized it's getting to find it hot because incest of any kind affects not only the development of the child but how they handle their personal relationships after they've grown. Something that is very clear in Lestat's character throughout the whole series.

I do not think me picking up on this is far fetched since the term was coined in the 1980s by psychologist Kenneth Adamswhen (I will be pulling stuff from a interview he did about the subject which I will link as it's a interesting reading) when people first started looking into the subject and the book came out in 1985, though knowing Anne Rice she just probably had a fetish for this thing as it often appears in her books which is whole another thing on it's own. It appears a lot doesn't excuse btw since the topic of abuse of any kind is not handled well. (also before people start saying that these books are gothic fiction and that incest is a staple of the genre still doesn't excuse it in my opinion since there is better ways to handle the topic than make it obvious fetish work. Yes, art is supposed to make you uncomfortable and I actively consume art that does exactly that to the consumer but there is the line that can be easily crossed when dealing with certain subjects if you at least don't treat them seriously and with care like they need to be.)

Their relationship is not enmeshment, something people confuse emotional incest to be and often mix the two up. But their relationship fits so many boxes of emotional incest that it is maddening I have seen no one else bring up the subject and just chalk it up to plan ole incest because of the kissing as well as blood sharing symbolizing sex for vampires in these works. (Which I have huge criticisms on how vampires are in the series plus I may be biased to not see kissing as inherently sexual due to being aroace and by the time the kisses happen Lestat has already faced stalking, literally being kidnapped by a strange man who had been watching him as well as talking to him through his mind referencing the fact he was known as wolf-killer plus having corpses that looked just like Lestat in a tower that Lestat had to stay in, turned Lestat against his will then watched said man kill himself after becoming a vampire, and sexual trauma from said man as well. So it is not surprising to me that Lestat would seek out some sort of affection from an older trusted figure in his life, even if it is negative and harmful. Most victims do this unconsciously or because the trauma makes them feel like this is the only way they feel like they can seek out validation and affection from others.)

"Any time there is physical sexual contact, and that includes things like inappropriate kissing or touching, we’re talking about overt incest. Basically, you’ve moved past playing a role and into being an object. It can be both, of course. When that happens, usually the overt incest lasts a much shorter time than the longer-term surrogate partner role. I should also state that in cases of overt and covert combined, it isn’t uncommon to see the victims involved as adults with incestuous fantasies – mother and son or father and daughter stuff online, or power differential relationships where a boundary is crossed. Or their lovers tend to be much older or younger, so much so that the age difference raises some people’s eyebrows. So, the incestuous dynamic is played out in some way."

"Frankly, I try not to draw too fine a distinction here because there is definitely a blurry line between things like sitting too close and making a child uncomfortable vs. kissing that child on the lips too long. Either way it feels icky. And the result might be that even though nobody touched my penis or breasts or vagina, when my lover tries to kiss me, I withdraw. That withdrawal is your evidence that something happened that was inappropriate and not welcome."

In the book we are shown things that check off boxes on known clear signs of emotional incest, and this is the first few pages of the book when Lestat first starts talking about his up-brining. Before I list five signs that I think fit and how I see Lestat and Gabrielle relationship as well as explain why I feel that way but let us learn what emotional incest aka also known as convert incest is.

"Covert incest describes a relationship between a parent and child in which the child feels more like a romantic partner. Typically the parent is motivated by the loneliness and emptiness of a troubled marriage, so he or she turns the child into a surrogate partner. There is not necessarily any kind of overt sexual touching, but the relationship feels too close for comfort to the child. The boundaries are such that there is an incestuous feeling. The child feels used and trapped, the same as with overt incest."

"Later on, covert incest victims tend to continue functioning in the role of a surrogate partner where they’re overly enmeshed with the parent [or] over-involved as a caretaker, even though they may have long forgotten the icky part that was present early on — usually during adolescence. As adults, instead of feeling icky, they might just feel frustrated, angry, obligated, and way too involved. This type of enmeshment is very common in terms of the adult-life characteristics. Basically, enmeshment describes the nature of the ongoing relationship; covert incest defines the earlier sexual inappropriateness."

In the first few pages after the opening of The Vampire Lestat once he begins to work on his novel we learn that his home life as a child and upbringing was not great to say the least. An abusive father, living clearly in poverty, brothers who couldn't care less if Lestat lived or died, and finally a mother who was often emotionally absent, avoided showing physical affection towards her children, and that also hindered her children's skills of being able to read as well as write out of spite because of the unfilling marriage she was forced into as well as life that she had to have because of being a woman in 1700s society.  Also I feel the disconnect she has from motherhood and being a mother affects her relationship with Lestat from the start as it is clear that she lives vicariously through him due to him having gotten most of her features and traits unlike his brothers, also because of her own struggles with womanhood as well as how society sees has always seen women and what it is to be a woman.

This situation is just brewing for a codependent relationship to happen, especially between mother and child as it's clear they both hold resentment towards the father. A simple codependent relationship can quickly turn abusive especially in a household like this and most of any kind of abuse that children can face is commonly more likely to be from family or people they know than strangers.

The five signs I wanted to point out that really struck me of fitting the two (only doing five as this post is already so long and I do not feel comfortable on trying to score points on it like how psychologists do for cases like these as I am clearly not one.):

Talking about sexual encounters or even dreams of one with your child: Gabrielle in page 39 of the book shares a dream she has of basically having a train run on her by the whole town, this is just after Lestat has opened up about his fears and nightmares he has of killing his brothers and father like he did to the wolves earlier in the forest. That he isn't the same Lestat he was and has come back as a killer instead of her son. He is still in the bloody clothes that he killed the wolves in when she shares this.

"'You know I imagine,'' she said, looking towards me again. ''Not so much the murdering of them as an abandon which disregards them completely. I imagine drinking wine until I'm so drunk I strip off my clothes and bathe in the mountain streams naked.'' I almost laughed. But it was a sublime amusement. I looked up at her, uncertain for a moment that I was hearing her cor-rectly. But she had said these words and she wasn't finished. ''And then I imagine going into the village," she said, ''and up into the inn and taking any men that come there-crude men, big men, old men, boys. Just lying there and taking them one after another, and feeling some magnificent triumph in it, some absolute release without a thought of what happens to your father or your brothers, whether they are alive or dead. In that moment that I am purely myself. I belong to no one." - Page 39, The Vampire Lestat

This is something really weird to just open up about with your child, especially after they open up about their fear of harming others and feeling like they aren't the same person they were after a traumatizing experience. I understand that she was trying to relate in a way about how she also feels these types of feelings towards Lestat's father and brothers but I full on had to put the book down out of pure shock that this was written right after a character was talking clearly about intrusive thoughts with your own ones that inherently sexual in nature, especially to your own child for that matter.

Sharing responsibility for adult decisions such as finances, employment, or where to live: Lestat and Gabrielle are the sole providers for the household. Lestat being the one that often brought in food due to finding comfort in hunting after being taken out of church as Gabrielle provided him the tools like his pet mastiffs, guns, and horse while Gabrielle was the sole reason they had any sort of money in the first place due to coming from a rich family, often selling her own jewelry to help get gifts for Lestat and just have money for the family. With this she also helped him run away to Paris with Nicki.

Because of this Lestat and Gabrielle have been sharing sole responsibility for adult decisions in the household and especially financial ones, which no child should be or feel responsible for.

Missing out on child-appropriate activities such as extracurriculars or time with friends: Lestat life was sheltered. To the point he didn't know how to write or read till he went to the church to study under the priest. The only friends he has had outside of his family up to this point are the people at the church, his dogs, the traveling theater company, and soon Nicki.

"I loved the monastery school. I loved the chapel and the hymns, the library with its thousands of old books, the bells that divided the day, the ever repeated rituals. I loved the cleanliness of the place, the overwhelming fact that all things here were well kept and in good repair, that work never ceased throughout the great house and the gardens. When I was corrected, which wasn't often, I knew an intense happiness because someone for the first time in my life was trying to make me into a good person, one who could learn things. Within a month I declared my vocation. I wanted to enter the order. I wanted to spend my life in those immaculate cloisters, in the library writing on parchment and learning to read the ancient books. I wanted to be enclosed forever with people who believed I could be good if I wanted to be. I was liked there. And that was a most unusual thing. I didn't make other people there unhappy or angry. The Father Superior wrote immediately to ask my father's permission. And frankly I thought my father would be glad to be rid of me. But three days later my brothers arrived to take me home with them. I cried and begged to stay, but there was nothing the Father Superior could do. And as soon as we reached the castle, my brothers took away my books and locked me up. I didn't understand why they were so angry. There was the hint that I had behaved like a fool for some reason. I couldn't stop crying. I was walking round and round and smashing my fist into things and kicking the door. Then my brother Augustin started coming in and talking to me. He'd circle the point at first, but what came clear finally was that no member of a great French family was going to be a poor teaching brother. How could I have misunderstood everything so completely? I was sent there to learn to read and write. Why did I always have to go to extremes? Why did I behave habitually like a wild creature? As for becoming a priest with real prospects within the Church, well, I was the youngest son of this family, now, wasn't I? I ought to think of my duties to my nieces and nephews. Translate all that to mean this: We have no money to launch a real ecclesiastical career for you, to make you a bishop or cardinal as befits our rank, so you have to live out your life here as an illiterate and a beggar. Come in the great hall and play chess with your father." - Pages 20 and 21, The Vampire Lestat

"When I woke up the next morning, she was gone and so were all the players, and my brothers were there. I never knew if my friends had been bribed to give me over, or just frightened off. More likely the latter. Whatever the case, I was taken back home again. Of course my family was perfectly horrified at what I'd done. Wanting to be a monk when you are twelve is excusable. But the theater had the taint of the devil. Even the great Moliere had not been given a Christian burial. And I'd run off with a troupe of ragged vagabond Italians, painted my face white, and acted with them in a town square for money. I was beaten severely, and when I cursed everyone, I was beaten again. The worst punishment, however, was seeing the look on my mother's face. I hadn't even told her I was going. And I had wounded her, a thing that had never really happened before. But she never said anything about it. When she came to me, she listened to me cry. I saw tears in her eyes. And she laid her hand on my shoulder, which for her was something a little remarkable. I didn't tell her what it had been like, those few days. But I think she knew. Something magical had been lost utterly. And once again, she defied my father. She put an end to the condemnations, the beatings, the restrictions. She had me sit beside her at the table. She deferred to me, actually talked to me in conversation that was perfectly unnatural to her, until she had subdued and dissolved the rancor of the family. Finally, as she had in the past, she produced another of her jewels and she bought the fine hunting rifle that I had taken with me when I killed the wolves." - Pages 34 and 35, The Vampire Lestat

Alternating feelings of love and hatred for your parent(s): This is shown in the first book as well as in this one, but now we get to see these feelings he has towards his mother rather than his father as well as brothers.

"She was silent for a while. And as I sat there, looking past her at the fire, I wanted to tell her a lot of things, how much I loved her particularly. But I was cautious. She had a way of cutting me off when I spoke to her, and mingled with my love was a powerful resentment of her. All my life I'd watched her read her Italian books and scribble letters to people in Naples, where she had grown up, yet she had no patience even to teach me or my brothers the alphabet. And nothing had changed after I came back from the monastery. I was twenty and I couldn't read or write more than a few prayers and my name. I hated the sight of her books; I hated her absorption in them. And in some vague way, I hated the fact that only extreme pain in me could ever wring from her the slightest warmth or interest. Yet she'd been my savior. And there was no one but her. And I was as tired of being alone, perhaps, as a young person can be. She was here now, out of the confines of her library, and she was attentive to me. Finally I was convinced that she wouldn't get up and go away, and I found myself speaking to her." Page 25, The Vampire Lestat

"And she almost laughed herself. Maybe in her own quiet way she was laughing. Curious moment. Some almost brutal sense of her as a human being quite removed from all that surrounded her. We did understand each other, and all my resentment of her didn't matter too much." - Page 27, The Vampire Lestat

Your parent(s) turned to you, instead of their partner or another adult, to unburden any feelings of emotional distress they experienced: Gabrielle is only open and shows any emotional towards her children if it is Lestat that she is talking to, she is closed off to everyone else in the household but him due to own her contempt and feelings around of being a wife and a mother. He is the first and only person to be told that she is sick and dying, that she doesn't expect to make it through another winter at best. This is a lot to put on anyone at any age, especially someone who is your child and after they have opened up a bit as well as their own traumatizing event.

"I made some little anguished sound. I think I leaned forward and said, "Mother! " "Don't say any more," she answered. I think she hated to be called mother, but I hadn't been able to help it." - Page 27, The Vampire Lestat

"I just wanted to speak it to another soul, " she said. "To hear it out loud. I'm perfectly horrified by it. I'm afraid of it. " I wanted to take her hands, but I knew she'd never allow it. She disliked to be touched. She never put her arms around anyone. And so it was in our glances that we held each other. My eyes filled with tears looking at her. She patted my hand. "Don't think on it much, " she said. "I don't. Just only now and then. But you must be ready to live on without me when the time comes. That may be harder for you than you realize. " I tried to say something; I couldn't make the words come. She left me just as she'd come in, silently. And though she'd never said anything about my clothes or my beard or how dreadful I looked, she sent the servants in with clean clothes for me, and the razor and warm water, and silently I let myself be taken care of by them." - Page 27, The Vampire Lestat

"I began to feel a little stronger. I stopped thinking about what happened with the wolves and I thought about her. I thought about the words "perfectly horrified, " and I didn't know what to make of them except they sounded exactly true. I'd feel that way if I were dying slowly. It would have been better on the mountain with the wolves. But there was more to it than that. She had always been silently unhappy. She hated the inertia and the hopelessness of our life here as much as I did. And now, after eight children, three living, five dead, she was dying. This was the end for her. I determined to get up if it would make her feel better, but when I tried I couldn't. The thought of her dying was unbearable. I paced the floor of my room a lot, ate the food brought to me, but still I wouldn't go to her. But by the end of the month, visitors came to draw me out." - Page 27 and 28, The Vampire Lestat

"She did not laugh often. She could look profoundly cold. Yet she had always a little girl sweetness. Well, I looked at her as she sat on my bed-I even stared at her, I suppose-and immediately she started to talk to me. "I know how it is, " she said to me. "You hate them. Because of what you've endured and what they don't know. They haven't the imagination to know what happened to you out there on the mountain. " I felt a cold delight in these words. I gave her the silent acknowledgment that she understood it perfectly. "It was the same the first time I bore a child, " she said. "I was in agony for twelve hours, and I felt trapped in the pain, knowing the only release was the birth or my own death. When it was over, I had your brother Augustin in my arms, but I didn't want anyone else near me. And it wasn't because I blamed them. It was only that I'd suffered like that, hour after hour, that I'd gone into the circle of hell and come back out. They hadn't been in the circle of hell. And I felt quiet all over. In this common occurrence, this vulgar act of giving birth, I understood the meaning of utter loneliness." - Page 24 and 25, The Vampire Lestat

Finally to conclude this post, this is just my point of view on their relationship and how I interpreted it but I really hope the show handles something like this with care instead of making a joke out of it or making it seem like a normal vampire thing since that's what Anne Rice did. I would love if they went at with this angle of emotional incest or even just a strong codependent relationship between mother and son as I feel like it could open a lot of great conversations on the topic as bring it more into the spotlight which could lead to others realizing their not alone. But we'll see when season three is released.

Important links:

Kenneth Adamswhen interview

RAINN

[keik-keik]

PLANTOBER # 7 LILY Lily or lilies is an umbrella name for many plants, but the main one is of the Lilium genius.

Other plants called lily are: lily of the valley, flame lilies, daylilies, water lilies and spider lilies, many of which I've tried to incorporate into this piece.

Again, lilies are plants predominantely growing in the Northern Hemisphere! 

This well recognizable plant has very deep lore and meaning among many cultures, and surprisingly for me, it is even used in Asian quisine?!

Lilies naturally occure in warmer climates but also adapted or were cross-bred to survive more temperate or colder parts of the world.

Just now, while researching trivia description, I have just learned that TULIPS are of Lilieae tribe, so they are related to lilies?! So many surprises today.

That said, from the ethomological roots of the lily name going back to Coptic roots, trough Ancient Greek culture, to our modern times.

Hebrew name Shosanna comes from the regional name of the flower, and obviously more commonly known Liliana, Lilianna, and some speculate about name Lilith as well.

Symbolic wise lilies used to symbolize purity, especially white ones. Though in modern European culture, lilies are popular flower used in funeral rites. Because of that connotation, Goth subcultures often use those flowers to create specific mood in various art forms from mentions in poetry, lyrics to visual elements.

Lilies are also popular heraldic symbol seen in coats of arms, but also as as a pattern, army or scouts symbol - for example Związek Harcerstwa Polskiego (Polish Scouts), use liliy as their mark.

Culinary usage of edible lilies is predominantely present in Chinese and Japanese cuisine.

Because lily is such a strong and well recognized plant, there is also very competetive and strong cultivation seeking new posibilities of cross-breeding, which I won't even touch, because how vastly outside my understanging this topic is.

But people do love their lilies for sure!

Lilies see some use in traditional medicine in China, Taiwan and South Korea.

If you plan having lily in your garden or house be alert, because lilies are highly toxic to cats! It is advised to visit veterinary or animal clinic ASAP when a cat comes in contact with any lily because there are cases that exposure to just pollen of certain variations, may have fatal consequences.

And that's all the smart and interesting things I found about lilies, without taking a deep dive!

As always, thank you so much for taking a look at my art!

Leaving a like, comment or sharing means a ton to me, and is more than appreciated! 🤗

Tools: pencil, ink, watercolor and watercolor crayons, white gel pen, white ink.

My socials: https://keik-keik.carrd.co

[wickedmoonlite]

KinnPorsche Rewatch 2023

Reminder: as we go into heavier topics in KP (dub-con/non-con, toxic behaviors, etc.), I will not be doing deep dives. I'm planning on taking this just below surface value as these are literally thoughts I have in the moment as I'm watching. Thank you.

Episode 6 Random Thoughts

FOREST EPISODE FOREST EPISODE FOREST EPISODE. Literally my favorite episode of the series. I like shows and movies where the relationship is the plot. So having an episode almost entirely dedicated to the blossoming relationship between Kinn and Porsche with little outside involvement is v good. Also, I really wish we could see the gentle, caring, silly, soft, carefree side of K more after this episode. We see glimpses later but nothing like this, when KP are well and truly alone together.

The super aggressive rock, paper, scissors is sending me.

And the fact that Kinn keeps bringing them back to the same spot and then Porsche does exactly the same thing before they just happen upon a little creek by sliding into it (though if it was really that close, how did they not see it 😬)

The betrayal after P spits on K lol

How far do they walk every day and back to get to the truck and creek though??

Kinn... Regular rocks do not start fires. Flint does though. Also lighters 👉👉

Porsche is such a shit.

Pete trying his darndest to stay hidden like Vegas definitely doesn't see him sitting in the car... The windows aren't even tinted dude (which I know is for filming purposes but come on).

The fucking smirk on Vegas's face when Pete finds the condoms then yells though.

K is trying so hard to catch a fish. Then P just pulls out some fruit like "lol I found this, keep trying for the fish tho."

The childlike wonder in K's expression and manner while P catches his fish and then he catches his own is so cute.

Apo looks so cold in the waterfall scene (I haven't watched the BTS for this episode but apparently he almost became hypothermic, the dedication ugh).

Porsche wants more kisses, Kinn. For the love of all that is holy, kiss your man.

I love that they get to know each other by sharing their dreams. It's such a nice little reflective moment where they get to know each other more and I appreciate it muchly.

The fact that Porsche really does "remember" the car crash just shows how suggestable our brains are as children. There are memories I have to this day where I'm not sure if it actually happened or was just a dream or something and my brain turned it into a memory.

They really should have tried to get a running start for that jump. Also, that was a pretty good distance they fell. Very surprised nothing was broken after that.

I really can't blame K for not wanting to go back, honestly. He must have so much on his shoulders as the heir (I mean, obviously).

"One strike, okay?" With... a pocket knife?? Yeah that's definitely gonna go through bone with one strike, P.

I like that K encourages P to leave... Because he knows it's best for P.

I LOVE how Apo acts this scene (honestly the whole sequence including after the bad guys show up) after Kinn tells him to get out of there... You can really see the man go, "Shit. I have to do this first." And then turns around and gives such a good feeling kiss. Ugh. K clenching his shirt because for him, it's the last time he'd see P and he doesn't want to let him go. Then the focus on the cuffs they'd just been wearing for who knows how many days as a symbol of them together and the journey they just went on and the falling in love. It's all so good.

P really said "you're not getting my man, fuck you." And then K gets shot 🙃

Then the look of, oh my god I really almost got away from here but now I'm trapped again, fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Another long one. So sorry, but not too sorry. I appreciate all of you who read these rambling text posts very much ❤

Rest day tomorrow, which I kind of need because adulting and work. I shall see you all on the 8th for episode 7. Thanks for reading, y'all.

[whenblueskiesshine]

head empty only mizuki okiura / date

so i was able to finish both games of AI: The Somnium Files last month and I REALLY just want to talk about the best character of the series (i am not biased please agree with me) Mizuki !!

im just gonna rant about mizuki's route mainly (and also date family shenanigans)

(look at my girl... LOOK AT HER !!)

spoilers beneath the cut

her character throughout the series and both games is just ... so lovable?? in the first game, she was the perfect balance of bratty and being a kid while at the same time, she had already gone through so much

i dived into the game blindly and when i was forced to make a choice in her somnium, i decided to pick the balloon option and i immediately regretted everything after seeing the results (i literally kept screaming IM SO SORRY MIZUKI FOR MAKING YOUR TRAUMA WORSE) and after finishing iris' route, i immediately went for her route right after

and mizuki's route did not disappoint (i am totally not biased) and i wished that the deepness of her relationship with date in her route and how it developed transferred over to the right half of the game's flow chart since it really did get shafted hard for the true ending no hate to the sagan family though as much as i also loved date/falco's relationship with both iris and hitomi, i think that they deserve another member of the family

back to the topic of mizuki's route, the scene where she tries to talk to an unconscious date at the hospital broke my heart since she witnesses first hand her only remaining parental figure in her life almost gets killed (another note, i accidentally did the bad end of mizuki's route first since i wanted to kill so sejima that badly) and how she tried to poke around at boss' name saying that it doesn't fit her gaahh date just wake up

doing date's somnium felt bittersweet but also it made me feel warm inside especially at the ost that played in the background and the memories that they both made in the tiny apartment where they reside together. if you consider how date never really had a true family (and because sadly all of his memories with the sagans are just poof) but he still was able to call out on the abuse and neglect that shoko and renju had done respectively and he was still able to raise her properly despite her complicated family life !!!! and in the end how mizuki reassured date that she needed him and when he woke up, she welcomed him home in her usual fashion (by giving an affectionate kick)

(the dad that stepped up literally)

moving on to nirvana initiative mizuki, i literally gave into temptation because of the steam sale that i bought the game right away even though i was not finished with the main game yet and it was a must since mizuki was protag (ryuki i love you but i kinda spedrun thru ur half so i can get to mizuki's lmfao)

(she's presenting a friend! its aiba)

I LOVED PLAYING AS MIZUKI WHILE I WAS PLAYING AINI and while i am VERY bitter that her whole relationship with date was shafted to the side once again... i can never really win but it gave me abis found family crumbs which is nice !! but this fact alone makes me biased with the outcome of the secret ending where the explosion never happened and date didn't need to lose his memory for the second fucking time and he was able to be present for most of mizuki's life BUT THEN AGAIN . his reunion with mizuki during the gen and amame route and the resolution route i feel was done in their style, not really a tearful reunion but the love is still there, especially how when he was in gen's suit at the latter route, listening to her conversation with aiba because he had the receptor on including the one time he interacted with her inside of their heads when she tried to come up with a plan to get rid of the SAT and he tells her that it was better to raise the white flag in a bittersweet tone ... concerned papa fr

cant forget her involvement in the andes and shoma route !

HONESTLY there's so much i want to say about her but i am running out of words to say so i might have to make a part two of this blog post soon

anyways... i might post my aitsf fanfics here too... i hate this detective game /h

[iivocom]

Is It Just Me, or Did January Last Five Minutes?

You blink, and suddenly it's February. Weren't we all just clinking glasses and making grand plans for the new year? Time's doing that thing again where it slips through our fingers like sand. I promised myself I'd up my blogging game from a modest once a month to every Sunday. Inspired by a surprisingly productive Q4 last year, I was all set to flood your screens with wit, wisdom, and maybe a meme or two. Yet here I am, staring at the blinking cursor, searching for that elusive spark.

Sleepless in... Everywhere

Lately, sleep and I have been like acquaintances who pass each other on the street with a nod. Did you know that lack of sleep can mimic the effects of alcohol intoxication? Fun times, except without the karaoke bravery. Thomas Edison infamously believed sleep was a waste of time—a leftover from our cave-dwelling days. He might've invented the lightbulb, but I'm starting to think he left us in the dark about the joys of a good night's rest.

Stuck in a Rut? Let's Dig Out Together

Ever find yourself in a creative rut so deep you consider setting up camp? Maybe roasting some marshmallows over the embers of your dwindling motivation? You're not alone. The average person experiences a slump every now and then. The trick is to embrace it—acknowledge that sometimes our brains just need a break. Albert Einstein would play the violin to relax his mind when he hit a dead end. Perhaps it's time I dust off that old guitar.

Productivity Hacks I Might Actually Try

I've been flirting with the idea of adopting some productivity hacks. Maybe the Pomodoro Technique, where you work in focused bursts with short breaks. Or perhaps bullet journaling to organize the chaos. Leonardo da Vinci kept a notebook with him at all times to jot down ideas—everything from inventions to grocery lists. If it's good enough for the Renaissance man, it's worth a shot, right?

Pinterest: My Latest Rabbit Hole

On a lighter note, Pinterest has become my digital playground. It's amazing how pinning a few recipes can spiral into curating a dream home complete with a garden you'd need a team of landscapers to maintain. Did you know Pinterest has over 400 million active users? That's a lot of vision boards! If you're as addicted as I am, feel free to check out my boards. Fair warning: it's a eclectic mix of fitness routines I'll attempt (eventually), recipes that make my mouth water, and DIY projects that may or may not end in glue-gun disasters.

Keeping It Evergreen

There's plenty happening in the world—topics that ignite fiery debates and news that age about as well as avocado toast. I've steered clear of politics and fleeting headlines, aiming instead for content that stands the test of time. Evergreen articles are like the little black dress of blogging—always in style, always appropriate.

Embracing the Art of Nothing

So here we are, chatting about everything and nothing. And you know what? That's okay. Life isn't always about big revelations or profound insights. Sometimes, it's about these simple moments—acknowledging where we are and sharing a virtual cup of coffee. Perhaps I'll take a page out of Jane Austen's book: “To sit in the shade on a fine day, and look upon verdure, is the most perfect refreshment.”

Netflix, Here I Come

I think it's time to indulge in a bit of screen time. With a plethora of new movies and series released, there's no shortage of storytelling to dive into. Who knows? Maybe my next post will be a review or a reflection sparked by a compelling narrative. Storytelling has a way of reigniting that creative flame.

Until Next Time

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that creativity isn't a faucet you can turn on at will. It's more like a cat—you think it's lost interest, and then it curls up in your lap out of nowhere. So here's to embracing the ebb and flow, to taking breaks when we need them, and to finding inspiration in unexpected places. In the meantime, if you have any tips on conquering sleep deprivation or escaping ruts, drop them in the comments. Let's navigate this journey together.

And if you're scrolling through Pinterest at 2 a.m. like me, don't hesitate to say hi.

[stevishabitat]

***

People were definitely getting weird in the notes so I'm going to make my own post.

I vividly remember a period in 2007-2008 when I was deep into hand pies. Basically any type of food that involved savory fillings inside pastry. So like, calzones, pasties, samosas, pierogis, dumplings, gyoza, turnovers, forfar bridie, knishes, stromboli, strudels, arepas, pupusas, Jamaican patties, empanadas, even hot pockets & pizza rolls, lol.

I spent days researching the history of these things in different cultures. I wrote dozens of blog posts. I went to the library. I went to international grocery stores to get different types of pastries. I watched hours of videos online. I cooked. So much. I made the worst pastries known to mankind.

My spouse got tired of it. My family didn't want to hear about it anymore. My coworkers stopped asking about what I'd brought for lunch because I would give them the whole history of the thing I'd made. During work, I was drafting blog posts and writing research plans and ideas on post-it notes so I wouldn't forget before I got home.

It was.... One of the most bonkers hyper fixations I have ever experienced. And to this day, those brain connections are still there and I have randomly infodumped on people when the topic comes up even obliquely. My kiddo, born years later, knows about it. My family is like "don't get them started" if the subject comes up.

It was just as strong as many of my fandom interests.

One of the things I look forward to every year is a particular festival where there's a pasty truck so I can get my annual authentic Cornish pasty. I can tell you where in two Missouri cities to find Jamaican patties, pierogis and other hand pie variations. Whenever I travel, I keep my eyes open for the opportunity to try different kinds.

I don't consider it like an ongoing special interest, per se. But it does kind of lie dormant and then pop up and it's like getting to hang out with an old friend I haven't seen in awhile. Similar to my childhood horse interest, it can flare to life at times and be like visiting a beloved old home. Feels like a comforting blanket.

Do NT people misuse and misunderstand the terms hyperfixation and special interest? Oh absolutely.

But I wouldn't discount the squash interest just because it's... squash.

Just recently I did a deep dive on squashes/gourds/melons/cucumbers (Cucurbitaceae family) what they're called in different languages, how various cultures group them (fruits, vegetables, other?). Growing habits and agricultural history, which ones can be hybridized, nutritional values, etc.

It was a short little thing, but by the end of the car trip my family was pretty tired of the conversation. And I was buzzing, lol. During work that day, I definitely plotted out where I could grow various varieties in my garden and put some seeds on a wishlist. Made a spreadsheet. Got out my Sioux Chef cookbook to see what was on there about squash and Three Sisters planting. Y'all... I don't even like squash, and I have a mild allergy to melons! There is zero practical reason for me to care At All about growing squash.

I don't think NT people really understand that the topic isn't important and even the external signs that other people see isn't important. Those of us who experience hyperfixations and special interests know the internal signs and what it feels like to be In That Thing for however long it lasts. It's about what it does to our brain and body. It's a physical experience.

And you never know and can't predict what topic might trigger it. Dear lord I once gave an impassoned lecture to a guy who was helping a neighbor move about rain gardens and restorative agriculture/permaculture and native gardening. I was so glad the neighbor was moving out because I'd never have to see the guy again. He'd just happened to ask an innocent question in the midst of a hyperfixation and the infodump was.... extreme. I realized later that the guy had tried to extricate himself several times and I'd botched it badly.

Idk where I'm going with this other than to say have mercy on the ND folks in the world and our "weird" interests. We don't mean to be weird or bore you to death. But the brain buzz we get from things sometimes overrides everything we've ever learned about appropriate social behavior and conversation. And sometimes we're really tired because we stayed up all night feeding a hyperfixation and now we're cranky.

[forevrus-in-love]

Why Do Some People Prefer Dating Over Being in a Relationship?

Hey, so you asked about why some people might prefer dating over being in a relationship, right? Frankly speaking, it’s an interesting topic because there are lots of reasons people lean toward one over the other. Let’s dive into it and I’ll break it down for you, yeah?

1. Freedom and Flexibility

First off, I think a big reason people prefer dating is the whole freedom and flexibility thing. Like, when you’re just dating, you don’t have to answer to anyone, you know? You can do what you want, see who you want, and there’s no expectation to constantly check in or make plans together.

Think about it—relationships, especially serious ones, come with a certain level of commitment. You’re sort of “tied” to that person’s schedule and needs. With dating, though? It’s a lot more laid-back. You can focus on your life, your goals, and your plans without having to coordinate with someone all the time. It’s perfect for people who, like, value their independence and don’t want to feel like they have to compromise on that freedom. Does that make sense?

2. Less Emotional Investment

Then, there’s the emotional investment piece. You know how in relationships you end up getting really close to someone emotionally? For some people, that’s exactly what they don’t want. Dating, on the other hand, is usually more casual, and there’s less pressure to go deep emotionally.

I’ve had friends who’ve told me they’re just not ready for the emotional rollercoaster of a serious relationship. They’d rather keep things light, fun, and avoid the heavy stuff, at least for now. It’s like they’re protecting their hearts in a way, you know? They get the companionship, but without all the intense feelings.

3. Focus on Personal Growth and Independence

Another big reason people stick to dating is that they’re in a phase where they want to focus on themselves. It’s like, you’ve got goals, dreams, and a lot of self-work to do, and being in a relationship can sometimes take up too much mental space.

I mean, I’ve been there myself—where you’re just trying to get your career on track or maybe working on personal growth, and adding a serious relationship to the mix feels like, well, too much. People might feel like dating gives them just the right balance: they get companionship and fun, but they can still fully focus on their own stuff. Independence can be a huge motivator for sticking to casual dating over something more serious.

4. Fear of Commitment or Past Experiences

Now, this one’s a biggie: fear of commitment. Some people have had really tough experiences in past relationships. You know, maybe they’ve been hurt or felt trapped, and that leaves a mark. They don’t want to jump back into something that might feel like they’re giving up too much control, or risking their heart again.

Or, it could even just be the idea of commitment itself that feels overwhelming. Like, committing to one person for a long time is a big deal! It’s not always easy, especially if you’ve been burned before. So instead, they keep things light with dating, avoiding the serious conversations and the risk of getting hurt again. Have you ever felt like that, where you just want to keep things easy-going after something tough?

5. Enjoying Variety and New Experiences

Ah, this is a fun one. Some people just love the variety that dating brings. When you’re dating casually, you get to meet new people, try new things, and explore different dynamics. There’s something exciting about that, right?

Like, if you’re in a relationship, after a while, things might feel routine. But dating? It’s fresh. There���s always someone new to meet, a new story to hear, or a new experience to share. I think for a lot of people, that’s a huge reason they prefer it over a relationship. It’s like having the fun without the long-term commitment. It’s kind of like going to different restaurants every week instead of sticking to just one, you know what I mean?

6. Avoiding Relationship Responsibilities

Relationships come with responsibilities—emotional support, making decisions together, managing expectations, and more. For some people, those responsibilities feel like, well, too much.

Dating allows them to enjoy companionship without all the obligations that come with a relationship. You don’t have to worry about things like shared finances or future planning. You’re just living in the moment. It’s more relaxed, and there’s less pressure to “be there” for someone in the same way you would be in a committed relationship.

It’s kind of like having all the perks of someone to hang out with, but without the pressure to play a long-term role in their life. Does that resonate with you?

7. Changing Social Norms and Perspectives

And, you know, society is changing. Back in the day, the expectation was always to find a partner, settle down, and build a life together. But nowadays, there’s less pressure to follow that traditional path. People are way more open to different types of relationships—casual dating being one of them.

I think a lot of people prefer dating simply because they don’t feel the same social pressure to be in a committed relationship. We’re living in a time where people have the freedom to explore what works best for them, and sometimes, that’s dating, not settling down. What do you think? Do you feel like the pressure is off these days to “find the one”?

Conclusion

So, to wrap it up, there are all kinds of reasons why people might prefer dating over being in a relationship. Whether it’s the freedom, avoiding emotional intensity, focusing on personal growth, or just enjoying variety—dating fits a lot of different lifestyles. And honestly, there’s no right or wrong choice. It’s all about what works for each person at any given point in their life.

At the end of the day, it’s a personal thing, and it doesn’t have to follow anyone else’s timeline or expectations. Everyone’s on their own journey, and whether it’s dating or being in a relationship, it’s just about figuring out what feels right. You know what I mean?

Oh, and by the way, when it comes to dating vs relationship, it’s really about understanding where you’re at and what you want. Just food for thought!

[maxbegone]

.

weird day. sad, mostly, worked but felt like I wanted to cry the entire time. doesn't help that I kept feeling this itch to be self-destructive and take the piss out on someone just because I was feeling a certain way. honestly, i think part of it is the fact that I'm slowly, slowly planning on getting closure from my mother, and I think it's haunting me a little bit despite me knowing this is necessary to do, nearly a decade later. not to mention, I'd completely go off on her if I wasn't trying to be composed. I'll let her say her piece when the time comes, but believe me when I say I will not let her off any sort of "hook." forgiveness is not something she is going to get from me. not after everything she's put me and my dad through.

and then, inversely, there's this whole...feeling doomed to fail thing going on in my head, and feeling inadequate as if I'm this outsider or sort of bystander in my own life, feeling as if my future is just...not a thing that will happen. I feel lost, I feel like no one in my family (mainly) has any faith that I'll be ok or successful. I feel like I should've been given a road to some sort of opportunity by this point, but I fucked it all up by leaving the first college I went to, spending way too long at a job that did nothing but drain me of all creativity and essence, made me angrier, then took my time with community college (not a bad thing), but didn't act on opportunities that allowed me to move forward with my education. I should be working toward my bachelors right now, but instead I'm working a part-time retail job that, strangely, miraculously, I love because I'm shown I'm valued and my team is great and kind. I work for a brand I really like and probably have a shot at something within another part of the company now that I've been there a year, I just need to accept the fact that I am not a burden and can ask for guidance and help on the matter. I also do not have a degree of any kind to back me up in this aspect, but in a way, maybe I have a leg up?

but, I want to write. I want to publish something one day and touch people and be raw. it doesn't help that I have had zero creative drive for the better part of a year and a half now, that all of my projects sit unfinished or as bare-bones husks of ideas. I know I should give myself some credit; I've dealt with a lot of shit over the past three years, namely my dad dying, and I am still completely ruined by it in such a way that I feel so lost and as if everyone else has moved on. I know he wouldn't want me to sit here and worry about him, or mourn him too much, but...it's hard not to. he was my dad.

it also doesn't help that pleasure is just...not a thing for me right now, and hasn't been for who knows how long. I tend to deprive myself of it; I tell myself that I shouldn't do this, or shouldn't do that because I should be working or being responsible in some other way, or that I don't deserve to do anything fun because I haven't earned it. I don't know how to explain it — it's something I'm actively working on in therapy. that, and this feeling that I'm not being my whole and true self, that I'm lying to myself about some part of me that I can't even pin.

I feel like I can barely string two consecutive thoughts together on paper, let alone in conversation nowadays. and it's rough, it sucks.

I haven't been a good friend. I've been exhausted by nearly everything, I can't muster up the topic of a conversation, not the energy particularly, because I'm actively craving that communication. I just, again, feel like this outsider. I try, I do, but I'm either talking in circles or spending too much time trying to figure out what to say that I just give up on starting a conversation entirely. I crave the conversation, the rapport, and I reach for it, but, sometimes, I don't think anything is reaching back.

I think I'm inching toward this point in therapy — if this can even be considered it — where I want to do this deep dive into myself and see what I'm not letting myself uncover. does that involve deep meditation of some kind? hypnotherapy? reiki? fucking 'shrooms? I'm being repetitive here, but I'm craving something, and I don't quite know how to explain it...

dull. it's all dull. and I'm tired of that now.

[revencntt]

Trust. What a concept. It’s something the witch had been familiar with at one point, once upon a time, but had ditched a couple years back. Death does that to a person. Jameson expects that Gael knows the feeling. Death knocked on his door, and he, like every other vampire, had no choice but to swing the door open and let the sick fuck take up permanent residency. Gael had to let death linger, had to let it consume. Had to let it be. Jameson has other opportunities. When death comes knocking, he opens the door slightly and then throws it out when he realizes it doesn’t serve him. When they both realize it doesn’t serve him.

Jameson wonders, is Gael capable of trust? Are any vampires capable of such a thing?

He has no plans of fucking over the vampire. Not at the moment, anyway. You know how fast things can change. For all intents and purposes, Jameson likes Gael. So much so, he allows himself to be pulled in, allows himself to be led. There’s giddiness in the steps he takes, like a kid in a candy store. Like a kid going to Disneyland. It’s a shame Jameson hasn’t had a chance to check out the place until now. He’s heard things about No Man’s Land. Depending on who you ask, some say wonderful things, others say horrifying ones. Jameson’s of the belief—why can’t it be both?

“I heard about your little promotion,” Jameson muses as he follows Gael’s lead. “I had to come look for myself to see if the rumors were true.” Standing behind him, Jameson’s eyes scroll down the vampire’s frame. “I’m happy to see that they are.” A grin teases his lips. “What happened? Got tired of being a road dog, did you?”

Jameson doesn’t know much about Gael. Vampires tend to be secretive, a nasty habit that annoys the witch. He likes to know the people around him; he likes to dive deep. No, he doesn’t know much about him, but Jameson does know something about a beautiful blonde who goes by the name Gemma. She's a tortured little thing, which is a characteristic Jameson prefers in the women he sleeps with. Now, she is someone who likes to open up. During their pillow talks, he gets her full life story. Brotherhood dad who is an absolute asshole. Most fathers are. Knight-in-shining-armor ass twin brother who can do no wrong. Cute. There’s one chapter out of the life of Gemma Castillo-Fiori that stands out to Jameson. One that makes his ears perk up the moment she begins the tale. The terrible and tragic death of her other father, Gael Fiori.

It’s clear she doesn’t know what has become of her loving father. Legend says hunters don’t take so kindly to their own being turned into vampires. Jameson keeps this secret on his tongue. In due time, it will reveal itself. Or he will save it for a rainy day.

Jameson pauses for a moment, letting the thought cross his mind. “Wait, you’re from here, aren’t you?” he asks, already knowing the answer, just wanting confirmation. “Wow,” he begins again, a kind of artificial bliss coating his words, “I bet your friends and family are sure happy to have you back.”

He brushes it off quickly, back to the topic at hand. “I got to thinking,” Jameson continues. “I’ve been hanging with the Lomidze vamps for a while… They’ve been great, don’t get me wrong, but they’re just… so traditional.” Boring is what he means. “I’d say the Reardon clan might make better use out of me, don’t you think?” They already have in the past. “You know how useful I can be.”

Jameson shrugs. “It’s never a bad idea to have a witch on your side, now is it?”

They say Gael’s got the patience of a Saint, but what Saint exactly is that? Certainly not Saint Michael - maybe Saint Sebastian with all the arrows in him. Patience comes in handy in the face of unkillable rats - and rats seem to be the flavor of the majority of Reardon these days. No Man’s Land is just one of their nests, and so it’s only a matter of time before one crawls its way over to him. 

Jameson and Gael have done two, maybe three jobs together - Jameson being similarly new to the dealings of the Reardons. He’s got both the bark and the bite for it, that’s for sure, but the bar is both in the stratosphere and subterranean. If a person could be described as “morally bankrupt,” they’d do fine here. If a person couldn't be described as “morally bankrupt,” they wouldn’t last long at all. Jameson does fine here. All of his leads have been lucrative. Some of his leads are right under their feet. 

It’s the two out of two batting average that Gael pays attention to. Gael doesn’t argue with numbers. That’s said - something is off about the witch, beyond being a blood traitor. From what Gael’s clocked, all those unshakable Hunter learnings haunting him, Jameson is a thing that looks like a person, a thing that acts like a person, but is a thing that is decidedly not a person. Something has zipped open the body of the witch in front of him and crawled into it. 

Nevertheless, Gael breaks into a warm smile of recognition. Whatever’s up with this witch is not a problem until it’s a problem, and Gael has no intention of throwing a good resource to the Reardons away. Besides, there’s a territorial advantage here. Gael knows where every sin is hidden in the walls, where every fang that would turn on Jameson is located. Not to mention, Gael and Adrian used to time Gabe on how quickly he could bag and bury a body. Made him go again if it took too long. Gael’s got a personal record that’s yet to be beat. Handling Jameson here would be easy. 

“Jameson,” he purrs, “you’re going to make me start believing in fate. I was just wondering when I’d see you next.” Gael takes a step back towards the door and knocks. The deadbolt slides once more, the door swings open. “How about we go downstairs and you can tell me why we keep having these meet- cutes.”  The rules to descend are always the same for Jameson: Give me a reason to rip out your throat and I will. Gael pulls them inside before someone can slip in after them. The vampire closes the door like a trap.

[koushirouizumi]

{Reference}/{Starting Master-list} - Donor Children History in Japan

(Gathered by me for reference; It's been a while since I researched this, but maybe you'll become Informed by following these {and I do plan to search around again}...)

Also re-blogging for my own reference since I'm, you know, a Donor child, and wanting to research more about how the laws surround such in other countries, including for the series I create fan works for.

(Some of the language may lean slightly bionormative in the reporting, so it is important to keep this in mind. Please note I am compiling these for my own reference, too.)

Children born through Artificial Insemination Speak Up {2003} "The Ministry of Health reports that {Donor children} births have been reported since the mid-seventies in Japan. While statistics record about 10,000 such children, the numbers could be much higher."

"There is no correct record on the number of AID children {Donor children, etc} as laws now do not stipulate that parents and doctors record such births. We contend the actual numbers could be between 100 to 200 a year," says Tomoko Kashiwage, a director in the infertility section at the ministry.

(...) Experts are now supporting the passage of a law in 2004 that would allow children above 15 years the right to the disclosure of personal details of donors of sperm and eggs in their birth.

(Yuri Hibino) Attitudes towards Disclosure of Children’s Genetic Origins among Japanese Patients Using Assisted Reproductive Technology {2014} (PDF) Keyword: Donor conception; Right to know; Infertile patients; Japan "In Japan, a 2003 government report recognized the right of children born via donor-assisted conception to know about their genetic origin, including identifying information about the donor [2]. However, this right has {not} been enacted into law(...)"

first, woman gives birth using egg from anonymous donor {2017 Mar}

"(...) Although there have been earlier cases of children conceived using a husband’s sperm and eggs donated by sisters or friends"...

{Tradition} denies Surrogacy {2017 May};

"Most major media covered the March 22 Tokyo news conference where Sachiko Kishimoto of the nonprofit organization Oocyte Donation Network (OD-Net) explained how a woman in her 40s had recently given birth to a daughter who had been conceived using the woman’s husband’s sperm and an egg from a third party. Though there have been instances in Japan of women giving birth by using the eggs of friends or relatives, this was the first publicized case in Japan of a baby successfully coming to term with the help of an anonymous egg donor."

"(...) there are no laws governing infertility treatments using donated eggs from third parties"...

"Japan tops the world in the number of women who undergo infertility treatment, while at the same time it also has the lowest success rate." (...)

[i-care-4u]

SWEET TALK | J.HARLOW

PAIR: JACK HARLOW X READER

REQUESTS ARE CLOSED | MASTERLIST

your friend alice recently invited you to be featured in her podcast, and you accepted her request. it was only monday and you had no plans, so why not give it a try?

jack left earlier today to go to the studio and you gave him a quick call, “hi love, i just wanted to let you know that i’ll be out with alice, you might remember her.”

“of course i remember her, she’s your best friend that does that podcast. i hope you have fun babe!”

“anyway, i got to go. see you!” you hung up, and you started the engine to drive to alice’s home.

as soon as you parked your car outside alice’s house, you make your way towards her door. you started knocking her door.

“who is it?”

you deepened your voice, “uhm, delivery for alice!”

alice opened the door and reached for a hug, “it’s an honor to see you again, y/n. come on in.”

while walking towards her studio, alice offered you a drink, “you want water? juice? tea?”

“water is fine, thank you,” you replied. alice ran to grab a bottle of water for you.

-

before starting, you and alice did some preparations.

“you gotta take some deep breaths and,” alice did some breath exercises with you and exhaled, “let it all out.”

you opened the water bottle cap, “let me take a sip of water real quick.” once you finished, you allowed alice to start the episode.

“hello, hello everyone. welcome to the podcast.” alice greeted. “today we have a wonderful guest, and you may already seen her before on my instagram. if you haven’t, she’s one of the most creative people out there, and i’m warning you, she is the moment.”

you pointed at yourself, “she’s talking about me, i’m that girl!”

alice added, “and that girl’s name is y/n l/n for those who did not know.”

alice and you began making conversation, talking about the busy life and the fun of adulthood. there was endless things you can talk about, and one of the topics was your romantic relationship with jack.

“we see those posts with jack, y/n, but everyone is dying to know, how’s life with him?”

you laughed at her comment, “it’s beautiful. these last couple months were a lot to sink in, but it was fun at the end. every morning, i got to wake up alongside him and he will always tell me that this is the life that he had always dreamed of.”

“you guys are too fucking cute. i’m glad that you enjoyed tour.”

“thank you. right now we’re readjusting to our schedules, and it’s so crazy how one day we’re in milan and the next day we’re in atlanta.”

“how long have you and jack been together?”

“this would be our third year of dating,” you raised hands, thinking about the fans that go deep diving into you and jack’s relationship, “not very exciting news for the fans, but recently me and jack have decided to get a dog.”

“thats exciting! do whatever that makes you happy y/n. it’s you and jack’s decision after all.”

you and alice talked for another twenty-five minutes before she stopped recording due to timely reasons. after the episode ended, you and alice smiled at each other.

“thank you, y/n for being here once again.”

“thank you, alice. it’s such an honor to star in an episode of yours. i feel so proud of you, you’re going places.” alice hugged you one last time before you went back home. it was one of the best interviews that you ever had.

-

it’s been four days since you recorded the podcast episode with alice, and today was friday, day of the release.

you woke up to see the other side of the shared bed empty. the first thing you did was turning on your phone to see the time. “12:47,” you read.

you went to the bathroom to do what you got to do, skin care, brushing your teeth, etc. when you finished, you went to the kitchen, where you saw jack wearing his airpods max.

“baby, i’m right here,” you hugged him from behind, seeing that he is watching alice’s podcast with you being the guest star.

jack paused the video and showed his screen to you, “morning beautiful, just listening to my daily news.”

his way of words made you laugh a little, “don’t be so old-timey, jack.”

he pleads, “don’t you want me to support you?”

“yeah, but not in front of me,” you look up to jack, face-to-face.

he bent down a little to kiss your forehead, “whatever you say, i’m still proud of how far you’ve gotten. i can’t believe you spoke very highly about me, i feel special.”

“what can i say, i have the best boyfriend.”

[zaharya]

ADHD science ramble – a comment response

So if you know me at all, you know I have ADHD and also a neuroscience degree. Meaning sometimes I ramble a lot about the science behind ADHD and ADHD meds. Generally, people appreciate it at best, or ignore it at worst – but apparently not on reddit! So, I'm coming home – forgive me for straying, Tumblr, please give me back my belief in people's ability to understand nuance.

The comment below was in response to a post asking about ADHD medication, including concerns about stimulants and addiction, and the question of "will I quit these meds or is this a life-long thing". They also mentioned "rejection sensitive dysphoria" (which is not a medical term!) and asked for other people's insights on any of these things. I tried to give that. The original post is now suddenly deleted, and the comment was invisible even before then for whatever reason (I won't speculate whether it was censored by the mods or not, it doesn't matter.)

But since those are all pretty general topics and this was a lot of effort to write, I'm re-posting it here in the hopes someone will benefit from it – it may just read a bit odd at times because it addresses the OP of that post. So if ADHD medication, treatment approaches, stigma, or emotional dysregulation are at all relevant or interesting to you, give it a glance. There's a TL:DR at the bottom as well. If Tumblr could stop bitching at me about the formatting that'd be great. Please ignore potential oddities with the list levels.

COMMENT RESPONSE IN VERBATIM

OKAY SO, buckle in my friend because you have activated my ADHD research deep dive mode. For the record and some context as to where I got all this; I have a BSc in Psychology, and did a research masters in cognitive and clinical neuroscience. Throughout both degree programs, I've written every single paper I could choose the topic for about some aspect of ADHD. (I do not have a license for psychotherapy yet, but I am getting one.) I also just have ADHD myself. What I’m trying to say is: I know way too much about ADHD and now I must tell you about it because what else am I supposed to do with it — ANYWAY … I should probably structure this somehow so it’s less overwhelming. We’ll try this:

Medication

Strattera/Atomoxetine (ATX); how it works, why it may or may not be working for you

Stimulants; how it works, evidence regarding the risk of dependency and abuse, connections to other substance use (since you mentioned nicotine)

Long-term treatment plans; factors to consider / questions for you to evaluate for yourself

RSD — probably a rant, first; why buzzwords are counterproductive even if the experience is 100% valid

Emotional dysregulation; research again, also potentially about meds

rejection sensitivity slkjdsjfs it escalated, help

Community and peer support

Yes? Yes. Feel free to skip any parts that are too sciency, if that doesn’t interest you!

First of all, congratulations on your diagnosis! You’ve already made one of the hardest steps. But let’s get into it, shall we?

ADHD Medication

Non-stimulants / Atomoxetine (ATX)

I must say, I am quite surprised that you were prescribed ATX as your first option, given that stimulants are very firmly established as first-line treatment.

Regardless, a couple of facts about it: ATX is a selective noradrenaline (NA) reuptake inhibitor, which also affects dopamine (DA) levels, specifically in the prefrontal cortex (PFC) because— well because brain chemistry. (I’m trying very hard to keep this simple, can you tell?) Basically, the idea is to regulate DA levels through an indirect mechanism via NA. And that works pretty well, generally. ATX is effective for approximately 50-60% of people, and the effects reach moderate strength.

Now you said that you don’t really notice any effect; that can have several possible reasons:

It just doesn’t work for you; 50-60% of people show a response, sure — but the other 40-50% do not! Unfortunately it is possible that you simply are part of those 40-50% non-responders.

The exact mechanisms of that are still unclear, but there are many factors that might influence someone’s drug response, including individual differences in metabolism, genetic factors etc. --- we’re still researching that

ATX, unlike stimulants, doesn’t necessarily have immediate effects. Full therapeutic effects are generally not evaluated until at least 2-3 weeks after starting it. That also means that the effects can develop slowly, which can make them harder to notice because it’s a somewhat gradual change.

On top of that, if your doctor is even the slightest shred of competent (which I hope), they’ll probably have started at a fairly low dose, meaning that;

you might just not feel it yet, but the effect may still emerge

you might need a higher dose; if that’s the case, this increase is generally done step-wise and quite slowly, to monitor the effects (and side-effects) properly. I suggest asking your doctors about what kind of trajectory they have in mind, so you can decide whether that suits you.

You mentioned mood swings; definitely mention that to your doctor! Psychological side-effects of ATX should be closely monitored

Note that this is especially important if someone has (potentially undiagnosed) comorbid disorders. I don’t know whether that’s the case for you, but better to be aware either way.

All that said, I also take ATX and I must say that on its own its effects are barely noticeable for me. It’s only because I know that my symptoms can be worse that I even consider it effective. I am an unusual case, though, regarding med-response etc. and I take ATX in combination with Elvanse (Lisdexamfetamine; LDX).

Which I guess brings us to stimulants. You say you’re reluctant out of fear to form a dependency, if I understand correctly. Well, the research is quite interesting in that regard — but let’s cover the basics first.

Stimulants

Stimulants, i.e., various types of amphetamines (AMP) and methylphenidates (MPH), are the standard first-line treatment for ADHD. Both AMP- and MPH-class drugs essentially increase the efficiency of the PFC —same as ATX — but where ATX only directly targets NA, AMP and MPH inhibit the reuptake of DA itself as well as NA reuptake. This direct effect on DA levels is basically (very basic; oversimplified even) what makes them stimulants. It is also likely the root for your concerns about dependence risks, because DA is involved in our reward-system in the brain — i.e. the thing that tells you “i want more of this”.

So, yeah, these concerns are not unfounded, HOWEVER

It is important to remember/note that a lot of the public narrative around ADHD and ADHD medication is heavily distorted by stigma. The number of people who worry about stimulants being addictive is leagues away from the actual prevalence of stimulant abuse/dependence.

This also kinda ties into your question about whether you will stop taking meds at some point or not; the idea that treatment must be temporary roots in the stigmatisation of mental health treatment.

I’m not saying that life-long medication treatment is a delight and a joy, but I also don’t think that it is the ultimate evil it’s sometimes made out to be. –– EXAMPLE: Think of a diabetic; they will need insulin for the rest of their life, but in their case nobody would ever suggest that them taking it is somehow a bad thing.

Mental health in general is unfortunately still heavily stigmatised, and that also impacts the narrative around treatment options, including medication. And more often than not, public beliefs about psychiatric conditions are downright and blatantly wrong.

In this particular case, actual research indicates that stimulant treatment actually decreases the risk for substance abuse in ADHDers. (Generally, adequate ADHD treatment reduces risks for all sorts of unpleasant things, like comorbid disorders, social isolation, divorce, accidents — I could go on. Not the point.)

The point is that overall, from a research perspective, the risk of drug dependence due to stimulant medication is quite low. Hell, literally everyone I know who takes ADHD meds will go “shit I forgot my meds” at least every other month or so.

Of course that doesn’t mean that we can all just pop stims however we like without a care in the world. As with any other medication, monitoring effects and side-effects together with a doctor is key.

With all that said, there is good reason why stimulants are first-line treatment for ADHD: 65-80% of people show a treatment response, and for a lot of people who don’t initially experience an effect, switching to another type of stimulant will often do the trick (total response rates of ~90%). Besides the fact that they work for more people, they also generally work better than non-stimulants, meaning that the symptom improvements are stronger for stimulants. Does this mean you should just get over yourself and go for stimulants because they’re clearly superior? Of course not.

Medication response is ultimately a very individual thing; it is basically impossible to know how you’ll react to any given medication before you try it. So in the end, it really comes down to what you want. It’s your decision, based on your priorities and values.

The same goes for your question of “will I take these meds forever” — that’s up to you!

Generally speaking, ADHD doesn’t go away. It is not something you grow out of any more than you can grow a second brain to replace the one you have. And our brains have ADHD. So, symptom-wise, we will always experience ADHD to some degree at least.

Of course, there are plenty of other treatment approaches such as CBT and literal mountains of helpful strategies to learn about and use. And that’s wonderful! Still, therapy alone is generally considered less effective than meds, but it does help. The best treatment approaches are multimodal, i.e. a combination of pharmacological treatment and behavioural interventions. Aka we take meds and go to therapy. Amazing.

So let’s say you’ve taken meds for a while, you’ve gone to therapy, you’ve learnt all the strategies — you decide to quit the meds. What happens?

Well first of all, nobody can know that beforehand, so keep in mind that these are hypothetical assumptions based on scenarios that research described as likely

Anyway, you quit whatever meds that ended up working for you. Ideally, you do that slowly so you don’t have any withdrawal issues, but eventually you’re off the meds. As a result, your brain isn’t getting that neurotransmitter boost anymore that the meds created (though some research shows that some benefits might persist, yay!), meaning that cognitive impairments are stronger again.

Does this mean all your symptoms come back? Well, yes and no. On a basic brain level, impairments return at least in part, but the strategies you learnt in therapy might still help you cope with those impairments better than you used to before.

So you might be overall more functional, thanks to those strategies, yes.

But strategies will not fix your brain chemistry, and if there’s no dopamine there’s no dopamine, and suddenly you spent all day in bed. Or you’re staring at your work open in front of you feeling like there’s a thick panel of glass between you and your screen/keyboard and you just cannot make yourself type. These things won’t go away, and strategies will not always do the trick

Personally, I dread the idea of living my life entirely off meds. My main hobby is writing, which is nearly impossible without my meds — and even if I had a less challenging hobby; I want to do things in life, not waste my time trying to get myself to brush my teeth. But, again, that is a very personal decision that you ultimately have to make for yourself.

Still, here are a few things to consider that might help you evaluate your options:

Need — what are your primary needs? Which symptoms are impacting you most? (Yes I’m getting to the RSD sfksjhgj)

Want — what are things you want beyond the most important needs? Where do your priorities lie?

Benefit — what benefit are you getting from [medication X]? How much positive effect does it have on your symptoms? On your life as a whole?

Need-benefit — do the benefits fulfil your essential needs? —> if not, that’s probably not the right med for you

Want-benefit — do the benefits fulfil your wants beyond the essentials?

Cost — what costs is [medication X] causing you? Do you have side-effects, if so what are they, how bad, how frequent?

Cost-benefit — do the benefits outweigh the costs, on a somewhat objective level? (effects vs side-effects)

Cost-benefit-want — Are the benefits worth the costs, also taking your individual values, concerns and goals into account?

This last one can get quite complicated, I’ll admit, but in the end I feel like this one is what tips the scale for a lot of people.

You could have the most amazing improvements, if you suffer side effects that keep you from something that is important to you, it’s probably not worth it in the end.

Vice versa, in my case, if it means I can write, I will accept that I’ll feel incredibly nauseated on some days for like 1-3 hours. It all comes down to individual choices in the end.

-deep breath- So, that was a lot, whops. So much, that I should actually go and work, so I’ll try to keep the RSD thing short. Conveniently, the AutoMod already summed up the most important bits:

RSD is not a recognised medical term

Instead of RSD, it is better to use concepts and terminology with solidly established definitions such as emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity to talk about the experiences people tend to label RSD

This is particularly important when consulting mental health professionals; well established concepts enable them to assess your symptoms and needs better than vague, ill-defined buzzwords. I have had people tell me they were going to switch to another doctor because theirs wasn’t familiar with RSD --- that is an issue!

Buzzwords like that tend to hinder treatment progress, because they are too vague to be properly informative. Most people have a very specific conceptual definition of RSD --- namely the one that describes their own symptoms best.

That renders it basically useless as a communicative device. Doctors cannot mind-read; you are doing yourself a favour if your communication (including terminology) is as clear as possible.

Obviously nobody expects you to know specialised medical terms --- just try to avoid buzzwords; of any kind! RSD is just a very very popular one and therefore warrants repeated clarification.

Now, just cause it’s not A Thing(tm), doesn’t mean it’s not a problem. And yes, the experience of rejection sensitivity in ADHD is valid and should not be dismissed!

Emotional dysregulation is actually one of the most prevalent and most impacting symptoms of ADHD, but because it isn’t part of the diagnostic criteria, a lot of people aren’t even aware of how much ADHD impacts emotions — and how much that impacts life for ADHDers. Emotional dysregulation leads to all sorts of other problems, like social isolation or comborbid mood disorders like depression or bipolar. So, clearly, it’s something should be addressed when it comes to treatment.

And would you look at that, they did! Yay!

Research shows that stimulants are effective for reducing symptoms of emotional dysregulation; as mentioned earlier, ideally you combine that with therapy.

Especially for emotional dysregulation, therapy — not just strategies, therapy — can be very beneficial, because emotions are hard. A lot of ADHDers, especially those that only get their diagnosis in adulthood, develop suboptimal coping mechanisms throughout their life that are very hard to dismantle without help. But resolving those patterns often makes an immense impact on the general quality of life.

Conclusion: Get a good therapist. It’s worth it. (Good = someone you trust and click with, you have to be comfortable.)

Now, one last thing (almost done I promise), because you said you don’t really have anyone to talk to about this:

I strongly encourage you to actively seek out ADHD communities in a format that lends itself to connecting with people on a personal level.

So, quick story time: Back in 2018, I (by complete coincidence) stumbled over a video of a TEDxTalk about ADHD on Patreon – who even browses Patreon?! Anyway, I watched it. Cried. A lot. Backed that Patreon immediately, before even looking at the actual YouTube channel it was for. The Patreon came with Discord rewards — I had never heard of Discord but there’s nothing like ADHD impulsivity, so I made a Discord account and joined that server.

Literally my whole life has changed since then. My perspective on ADHD has changed so so much simply through seeing other people having the same struggles, and yet they were still unique. And it was a wild ride. I look at some of the beliefs I used to have and am baffled at myself. But that’s not the main point, though knowledge always does help. No, the main point isn’t another strategy or lifehack. The main point are friends. True, actual friends who accept you, but also understand you.

When I joined that server, I very quickly met a lot of people. It was wonderful to suddenly be in a space where people related to my experiences that had previously always singled me out as weird or rude or incompetent or whatever. And all those people were lovely, but they’re not the friends I mean; most of them I am not in touch with anymore. I mean the select few. They are what made the biggest difference for me. I met one of my top two best friends like 2 months after joining the server, when we both became moderators. We later did community management together for over a year, until I moved on to other things — they are still Community Manager there! I flew to the other side of the planet for their wedding. We spend hours on video chat sometimes, both just working and hanging out because we like each other’s company (and it helps us focus). I can tell them anything, even if I hate what I did or didn’t do or say or think.

Those friends.

And I don’t know you, obviously, so maybe you already have that friend, in which case I’m very happy for you. But judging by your statement that you have nobody to talk to—

I’m not saying that joining an ADHD community will magically drop a best friend for you out of the sky, but it’s honestly not a bad start. Simply gaining the peer support of people who understand and relate to your experiences is worth it.

Okay, phew. Now I’m done. For your convenience;

TL;DR

non-stimulants might still take effect or you might need a different dose

stimulants are heavily stigmatised and the actual risk for substance dependence is quite low if the treatment is properly monitored by a medical professional

ADHD doesn’t go away; we will always have ADHD brains and there will always be issues that cannot be solved with strategies

It’s up to you to decide whether you want to take medication for it, and whether you want to take them long-term or not. I personally am fairly certain that I will continue to take these meds as long as I can. Even though there are downsides, the benefits are more than worth it for me.

Emotions are hard, everyone should go to therapy.

Make ADHD friends! (I personally really like Discord communities; I can recommend the HowToADHD community — that’s the server I mentioned earlier — but it’s unfortunately behind a (very low) paywall. If you don’t know that YouTube channel, I’d also recommend checking out Jess’s videos.)

But back to the point: Friends. Whichever platform you are comfortable with – try connecting with people beyond surface level conversations in public comments/threads/channels. Slide into those DMs!

And that’s all. That was way too long and I apologise. I hope any of it was helpful and understandable, I know I can get a bit sciency sometimes. If anything is unclear just ask. Good luck with your journey! It might be hard in the beginning, but it gets easier with time, I promise.

END VERBATIM

I hope anyone finds this useful, if only for validation. Shit's hard, but we'll all be fine, together.

[wickedmoonlite]

KinnPorsche Rewatch 2023

Reminder: as we go into heavier topics in KP (dub-con/non-con, toxic behaviors, etc.), I will not be doing deep dives. I’m planning on taking this just below surface value as these are literally thoughts I have in the moment as I’m watching. Thank you.

Side Story Random Thoughts

Tankhun is so dramatic here. Fake crying and the whole time giving side eye to P like "he's really buying this?"

Why is this hospital so fancy though? K is sleeping in a queen size bed for goodness sake.

Ah yes, Vegas. Here to stir shit up.

I'm on vacation he says. I'm gonna sleep alone he says. Liar. Scared of fake ghosts (actually probably not fake, most hospitals are haunted for obvious reasons).

K, I think it might be slightly obvious that P is going to stay by your side. Come on now. But thanks for giving him a phone so he can talk to Chay at least. Damn.

Sweet little ending with a cuddle ❤

Episode 7 Random Thoughts

Iconic Pete opening.

The lighting in this episode is so pretty.

Porsche and Big really just focus on a guy with an earbud... Meanwhile, another guy just strolls up with a damn grenade. Honestly.

I love how all the people there are causing a ruckus because there's a grenade up for grabs but no one fucking leaves?? They just sit there and watch??? What are y'all doing?

I dunno, beating someone into a confession probably would be difficult if the person is particularly tight lipped. But Vegas walking over with a torture case? Idk, I think I'd rather talk than be tortured...

The look that Pete gives Vegas though. Somewhat intrigued, it seems.

Did he pull out a tooth?? What is that?

Gun always trying to out wit and out maneuver his brother. He has one hell of a complex... And gave his sons a complex. And abused them. And he has too many cravats.

The red velvet shirt though.

I actually really enjoy this scene where we see how differently the minor family operates. People greeting with respect as they walk by, but they're more relaxed than the main family's people are.

Vegas walking in and out of the shadows, the lighting in general.. It's... Telling in a way. Of what kind of character Vegas puts forth for his people but also of the darkness dwelling within.

I feel like for how many people most likely live in that complex, they should have like three of those long tables set up.

Typical teenage boy with a messy room but it's just the house that's messy.

Why is K still on a saline drip at home? How long has it been since he got shot?

"But Daddy I love him!!" Honestly though, P makes K such a better person overall. Not just for their employees, but for himself. K doesn't necessarily need to be cruel to be an effective leader. I still hold that K was the worst thing to happen to P though, it turned him into someone that the old P would have hated.

Back to the single seat on the Panigale.

Vegas is more like a dad to Macau than Gun is.

Chay is all embarrassed about his room, like no my crush cannot go in there because he'll see my little shrine.

I love how easy going Kim seems to be around Chay. Compared to how we know he can be. Jeff did such a good job with him.

And then the closeup where we see the friendly demeanor drop and he goes straight back into nosy mode and walls go back up.

And then when Chay comes back, those walls come down a bit again and Kim's like damn, this boy is getting to me. I must get him to admit his crush.

It's because he's jealous, P. Always because he's jealous. K is so bad at communication and trusting P 🥴 get your shit together.

That shit eating smirk on Vegas's face. So good at sowing little seeds of distrust.

My boy Tay coming in with the best advice. And the best style.

How long has that body been there though?

Pete's out here doing the most.

I actually love that K comes to see P and gives him the lucky gun to hold onto. Nice symbolism.

"Let me show you your product." Guns ablaze. God this scene is well done. Porsche and Vegas work together surprisingly well for gun fights.

I think I've played too much Assassin's Creed, I always want to hear requiescat in pace vs reposa in pace.

The party is so well lit. All these lighting differences are so pretty.

Then Vegas trying to get Porsche to stay on with him, telling him what he thinks P wants to hear bc he's a stalker ass.

Porsche is visibly uncomfortable around Vegas in the bathroom scene. Then during the kiss pushes him away... Because he only loves Kinn.

Then Porsche hits Kinn where it hurts: I know about your ex, but only vaguely.

So hurtful, that slap was well deserved.

"I shouldn't have loved a shitty guy like you." He was trying to hit K where it hurt. And finally speaking the words that K needed to hear.

I do like how P takes back control during the NC scene. Doing sexy time on his own terms this time.

The chemistry is out of fucking control.

Consistently, the best NC scene of the series in this episode, in my humble opinion. Plus growing (my faves) KimChay's relationship :')

Episode 8 next!