#(but also don’t give up on health!)
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Hey by the way if anyone tries to deny Kabru is a judgy bitch I’ll send you the panels of him calling everyone worthless
Respect his duality he’s a good boy who genuinely wants the best for everyone but also thinks he has to do everything himself despite being the Least Qualified Ever because no one else lives up to his standards
He doesn’t even want to look at monsters but oh well every single other person is a piece of shit let’s go get my friends killed over and over again
He’s interesting BECAUSE he’s not one dimensional Good Pure Boy all the time, he’s a judgy manipulative little shit who will eat monsters if it gets him towards his goals, which are “nobody should be killed by monsters actually” and “i want to know what the fuck is going on”
He coulda had ONE honest conversation with Laios and known literally everything about him, Laios has never met a filter
But Kabru was raised for a good chunk of his life (6-18) by Milsiril, and for all he believes elves can never understand short lived people… he picked up the whole “I must be secretive and always conceal my own motivations”
He only breaks under literally the most intense high pressure situation he’s likely to see in his life, which along with being the potential goddamn apocalypse is also a rehashing of All Of His Personal Trauma oh and also Every Suspicion He Ever Had About This One Guy
He’s not more honest because he’s an honest person, he’s more honest because he forgot how sentences work when he finally caught Laios and doesn’t have the bandwidth to play the constant 4D chess in his head that underpins his EVERY INTERACTION WITH EVERYONE EVER until Marcille takes the lion
Kabru’s a pretty good person, with extremely good motivations and goals.
He’s a manipulative son of a bitch who will do anything, anywhere, anytime, to meet those goals, and spends a solid chunk of his time and energy on reading people so he can be someone they like… regardless of his own feelings.
He’s the living The Good Of The Many Outweigh The Needs Of The Few, and solidly puts himself in with “the few” by doing shit he hates because he thinks it’ll help.
Isn’t that more interesting than “oh he would never manipulate anyone, he’s so nice and good all the time”?
#kabru dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#dungeon meshi#this was supposed to be short but i am buzzing so#dungeon meshi spoilers#delicious in dungeon spoilers#also tbh why kabumisu has me by the throat#kabru’s sacrificed himself on the altar of his goals for so ling#long even#becoming everything for everyone so they like him and don’t get in his way#he Needs to get back in touch with himself#and stop becoming whoever his latest target will like#and mithrun could not give less of a fuck who kabru is if he tried#which is why kabru can finally drop the act and just be himself while they’re alone in the dungeon#he’s not trying to read and anticipate mithrun half as much as he does laios and That Is Actually So Much Better For His Mental Health#like yes boy give up on trying to please people#it’s a fucking endless pit get you a man who doesn’t give a shit and will tell you not to too#and then even when kabru stopped trying to be someone mithrun would like#that sneaky fuck won mithrun over anyway and THAT is why they are OTP shit
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I should create a blog called How To Prioritize Taking Small Steps To A Healthier Life On A Walmart Budget With Limited Life Skills Because A Lot Of Us Are On A Tight Income And Werent Taught What We Needed Growing Up And We Should Be Good Stewards Of Our Bodies And Possessions But Also Shouldnt Live In Fear
The title is a work in progress
#please just buy a stainless steel pan and use it *sometimes* and you’ll be way better off#than buying a three bajillion dollar couch#and let me teach you how to cook in stainless steel!#like for free#let me help you please#and for the love of all that is good and holy#please stop following the *majority* of crunchy influencers#(but also don’t give up on health!)
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I wish that people gave a shit about nonbinary people who don’t use they/them pronouns. You can literally give your friend group (which includes another nonbinary person) a list of your favorite pronouns, none of which include they/them, and mention several times that you don’t like they/them pronouns for yourself, but they’ll make the switch from she/her pronouns to…they/them. And feel super proud of themselves for being sooo progressive as to use they/them pronouns for you….when those aren’t your pronouns.
I think that saying “he she and they are my least favorite but are fine in combination with other things…I’m really fine with any neos but here’s a list of my faves that you can choose from!” Is polite and not a difficult request. I’m not good at being a pushy person, and I shouldn’t need to be.
#it screams#i guess I’ll pull the lists out again and re-link them#but the aforementioned friends view messages from me as a chore and check them rarely so when they do they’ve built up and so just skim#everything#which I’m fucking tired of#I’ve been going back and forth on whether it’s better to have no friends or a few friends who make you feel shitty#dunno which is worse#they also are extremely cavalier with covid while knowing I have no health insurance#and have supported some statements/actions that really make me sad#so idk I might be basically friendless at this point#i hold on for too long to people who have clearly moved on and don’t much care about being my friend anymore#I’ve tried reaching out a few times to no avail so idk I might just give up#try to cultivate online relationships more#which feels pretty impossible to me#sigh#I’ve been not able to sleep well#because of issues in my life with…all of the few people in it#issues that could be solved if I had kept a wider support network#instead of getting trapped with someone who was abusing me and my friends who don’t seem to give a shit about that and expressed more#concern for him than for me when the news was revealed to them#again I don’t have health insurance so no therapist#which I fucking desperately need right now#i have no one separate to talk to#the one who knows all of the different factors from all of the angles…is the abuser#i feel like I’m in so much fucking pain and I feel so alone and all of the people in my life who are supposed to be my loved ones#are standing around me ignoring me completely and acting like everything is okay#just causing me more and more pain#well this didn’t start out intended as a vent but it sure turned into one huh#i wish I could convey to y’all the desperation and loneliness and aching that I feel#vent
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I don’t really have the right words but i like the idea of Hobie doing quick checks for people’s safety without even really moving too much, as both a skill learned from his childhood and just a way he would be anyway. Like let’s say Gwen is calling him and she’s crying but sounds very detached. Hobie’s gonna do a quick mental checklist like this: (Injured? -> Alone? -> Aware? -> Show up -> distract as hiding weapons -> calm her -> check speech -> move location? -> check for injury) and it gets more complex as need be. He’d do this with all his friends and the people he helps in general, and it’s a quick and barely noticeable process unless he tells you he’s even doing that, which he usually doesn’t. I also like to think he was kind of doing this when he was talking to Miles on the way to meet Miguel, just very toned down (for him).
#like. you know how people keep you talking to keep you distracted and your body ends up giving away a ton of info like that#miles has a nurse mom and is so nursebug to me. so he can also do this but purely medical not mental health really besides do u wanna talk?#so he can pick up on what hobie’s doing sometimes#but yeah hobie does this whenever he thinks his friends are in serious danger of hurting themselves#and i think growing up the way he did (in the comics) really. made this urge to protect and check stronger but he keeps it leashed. which#is such an unhobie thing to do but there’s a fine line between control/not trusting and concern for wellbeing yknow#and he sees leashing the habit as the lesser of two evils really#anyway i realize how autistic this kinda looks. i was actually trying to achieve the opposite but yknow how it is with me#wait wait to clarify i don’t think miles is bad with helping with mental health i think he is just not as experienced/good at it as Hobie+#might be in his sorta cold hard truth learn to live with me way#hobie brown#spiderpunk#spider punk#m&m posts
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#had a really good dream last night where I was getting more nutrition and regaining energy#then I had to wake up and go DAMN DUDE. DON’T TEASE ME WITH HOPE#I’m starting to get so concerned that I secrétele have an eating disorder and don’t know it or something#can you have an eating disorder without caring about weight or food restriction or access or anything…?#but at the same time I’m just. fucking tired and hungry#of course I’m getting slowly more fixated on food.#it makes me feel terrible but it’s also the only thing that helps me stay stronger and have energy to take care of the rest of my body#so?????#idk man. I don’t give a shit about body image nowadays#I just want to feel stronger again and have energy#so I think I’m okay??#but damn dreaming about getting nutrition and care hit like a brick hfjgkg#and in the scale of things going on in the world and with other people I know it’s a tiny thing#but it’s big to me#so I let myself talk about it in tags here and now I’m going back to work#shh katie#health
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still trying to set up my health insurance why is everything so HARDDD
#also i don’t think i ever officially set up my financial aid repayment plan…uh oh#i have health insurance but not officially until feb 1 which means i’m getting all my bills and emails and letters but i can’t do anything#until february lmao#i want to go paperless!!!! they give me too much paper!!!!!!?
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anyways now that everyone is feeling adrift and unmoored after succession’s end, might i direct you to (at least seasons 1 through 4/5) of veep?
#decline imo starts towards end of s5 then much more in s6 then MUCH MORE in s7. still worth watching for funny hahas but if you give a shit#about like characterization or appreciate satire that’s less like. On The Nose or Heavy Handed#then i mean just go in to those seasons with lower expectations#but s1-4.5 (lol) are phenomenal and will scratch that succession itch#also the severe lack of amy brookheimer fans is detrimental to my mental health and emotional well-being#danamy is not tomshiv but they are somewhat tomshiv adjacent#god are they fucked up <3#anyways go waaaatch i mean it#krank lovers let me introduce you to ben and kent#bent. ken. i don’t know#but yeah no sense of humor etc is sooo similar like the writers team on succ is half from veep or smth lmao#also written by a british guy too. until it isn’t and then it sucks (when david mandel takes over around s5)#veep#succession
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#apparently I’m not done being mad about this I’m sorry guys I gotta vent#my dad is like an ox and never sick and like not very understanding with health issues/general illness#which you’d think he would have been after having me the super sickly child with a ton of health issues but no#we have a positive Covid case in the house and I have the same fucking symptoms I just started later#I have taken two tests- one yesterday and one today#and he yelled at me saying I’m wasting tests and also that I’m apparently fine which like#even if I somehow don’t catch covid I’m still sick but okay dad 🫠#if it helps put things into a better perspective… did yall know that back in November after I had my 3rd fucking endometriosis surgery#he asked why I was off work for two weeks and why I didn’t go back the day after surgery?#like I had had this surgery twice before and at home recovery was also two weeks both those times#but moreover like sir I have 3 incisions in my abdomen and my job requires me to left 50lbs???#at which point he still insisted I was fine and was just being ‘dramatic’ 🙃#I wanna fucking scream#I’m lissed the fuck off#did yall know he nearly got me killed once because I had neurovirus and he refused to take me to the er?#I eventually lost consciousness from severe dehydration- he thought I was sleeping and continued to argue with my mom that I was fine 🫠#they eventually took me but I was unconscious for several hours and it took five bags of iv fluid for me to regain consciousness#and the doctor estimated I was about two hours away from death so like#yeah#if that gives yall a better idea of the shit I’m putting up with#I have like zero tolerance for dealing with his bullshit when I’m sick#it’s the trauma from not fucking being believed for years of my life about any of my illnesses#and like also the fucking almost dying part#fun times 🫠#I’m sorry I’m ranting so much today I’m just really fucking done and have no other outlet 🙃
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my mom found the thing that started the fight that got me kicked out. so i was right. in my fantasies this happens and it’s great in real life im gonna jump her
#personal#now i gotta call amazon like no sorry my mom looked again and found it#it’s happened to me i get it. you look everywhere and it’s just not there#but oh my god. i was like shit did i send it??? i only remember the other camera? i only remember that one in there#then it’s like well maybe i did take it on accident#and then i was like am i getting so high all the time again that i sent it too???? and don’t remember? that’s pathetic mm#so i called them and god hard to find their number but call and get a note put in the system like hey might have done an oppsie#and that took forever and i did it next day after the fight bc i did feel bad#which was at workkkk 😔#now i gotta call them back nutssssss#also getting my dads ashes separated for my siblings#which either need to do flex time to do that or take day off#which i’ve been doing a lot like hey im sick!#hey! my house got broken into!!#hi again!!! it happened again!!!!#luckily one was a mental health day so ur boys only called out twice yeahhhhhhh#but anyway honestly just happy i let them know the urn situation is 100% on you#said nicer#but i was like hey if u have one just send it to me or the cremation place has some just see if u like any#and i’ll see if it’s easier to pay online or give it to me and i pay them#but urns easily 100 bucks if not more. granted looked at metal before wood but still. ain’t noooooooooooooo way#if it was like. 20 bucks i could see myself being like okay ill fork it over and deliver the goods (dad)#and i’ll rant this everytime but especially when i asked about this when we were funeral planning and before i got them and got told to#basically shut up. no. that trip was super hard didn’t wanna have to do it a couple times#i remember i came home with dad sobbing he was buckled in and i got him out and was just holding him#and i let everyone know hey dads home he’s safe#and i’m distraught holding my dad but distraught and talking to him#and first thing my brother says is when can we get some of the ashes too?#no asking me hey. u alright? no im happy dads home safe nothing just. sooooo#oh i could have killed i could have KILLED.
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I hate school so fucking much lol and I always just thought I was taking too many credits but this semester I finally took a normal amount of credits and it doesn’t matter. It’s not the amount of classes, it’s just having any classes at all. I feel like there was definitely a time where I could handle it but not anymore lmfao… this place was crazy. Sent me into my first real and scary panic attack, broke me out in stress hives, ruined my sleep, turned me into a mega hater…. smh. I know it could be a million times worse so I feel bad for complaining but it was not cool. All I can hope for is that my degree and good grades that I damn near died trying to get for literally no reason do me some good in real society tho I doubt it lmao
#like why did I try so hard lmfao…… I don’t need a 4.0 I’m not going to grad school I’d rather kms#I don’t know. I didn’t realize I was trying that hard I just thought that’s how hard I was supposed to try#IDK!!!!#I have never been good at knowing how much effort to put into things my entire life#I give everything 110 percent when it feels like I’m giving it like. Idk. 80 percent#everyone calls me a perfectionist and IM NOT TRYING TO BE LOL I don’t know how to gauge what I can or can’t be dismissive of!!!#it’s hard for me to discuss this problem I have without it sounding like I’m being like ‘omg I’m so smart that I do everything perfect by#accident’#THATS NOT WHAT I MEEEEAAAN#whatever#some people’s mental health issues make their grades tank but I have never had below an A- in my life and if u ask me that is also#indicative of an issue like LOL. if your child is like that then get them help for fucking real#ugh I love my mom and it’s not her fault but when I was a kid I was literally bawling and having stress headaches and canker sores DAILY#after school and being unable to sleep because I was so afraid of going the next day#and she was just like. ‘I was like that too :) it’s normal. you’re just a perfectionist’#ACTUALLY IM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND FOR NO REASON but okay#ok sorry let me just shout out some gratitude tho to the handful of teachers I had who were epic and had swag#I loved them#they didn’t make up for the rest of this bullshit though LOL
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Besties I’m gettin real tired of the random bouts of anxiety out of the blue every couple months. I’d like to not feel like my skin is a live wire and I’ve got an elephant sitting on my chest for no reason please and thank you :/
#mental health#anxiety#generalized anxiety disorder#bipolar disorder#vent post#I just don’t get it ??? where they’re coming from ???#it’ll be like one small thing that sets me off and then every inconvenience for several days feels like a death sentence#like oh shit I called someone the wrong name ??? nbd but also I would like to pass away now please#like don’t I take medication to make this not a problem ??#and like 9 weeks out of 10 it works but then I’ll randomly be hit by a bus and down for the count#like genuinely I’ve been trying so hard not to throw up for 4 days now#I’m having trouble sleeping#im having trouble eating#and there is no root cause I just don’t understand :(#like body….brain…..please I want to fix it but you gotta give me some indication of where the fuck this is coming from
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it’s actually fucking stupid that journaling actually makes me worse now. like what the hell else am i supposed to do
#purrs#writing (or reading my writing) about bad things that have happened and trying to make sense of them and see how much distance ive gotten#from them now only makes me feel miserable because i was suffering horrors and was literally right about everything and also nothing has#changed or the same patterns are showing up or whatever. idk. it’s fucking annoying bc i only have myself now and i can’t even be there for#myself in the way iknow i need someone to be there for me. relatedly when im experiencing horrors beyond belief i just want to take whoever#im mad at into a giant field and scream at them where no bystander can hear us or intervene or get their feelings hurt. i want freedom and i#want energetic reciprocity. i want to express myself and be met with equal expression. the most helpful thing people can do when im#spiralling is to methodically destroy the spiral and not give up after just one chunk. stay there and don’t leave. like why is it so fucking#hard to… idk. that’s neither here nor there im getting in the weeds. my mental health was doing better for a few days bc i was pretending#none of the horrors happened but i tried to reflect on them tonight and now it’s 1:33 and im spiralling and i have to get thru the rest of t#week and probably be alone and i only have myself now.a nd i always only did i guess. so whatever. i don’t want to be miserable and surly at#work tomorrow but i probably will be and i don’t want to say it’s gonna be a bad day before it’s even started but it probably will be. augh.#delete later
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I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and#then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m#normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and#I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my#friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s#what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
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Biting and chewing and shredding the dental healthcare system (through tears because wisdom teeth ouchy)
#i. will be fine.#delete later#i just have so much seething raw hatred and contempt for a system where i must schedule through phone and also#the only hours i can call are almost all my work hours except for the single hour i have before i board the bus#and also making phone calls makes me so nervous that i burst into tears after two failed ones but also i am expected to make MORE#some of the sites technically almost sorta have ways to schedule online#but none of them are immediately helpful or specific enough to let me actually schedule the darn thing for certain#and one of them straight up told me that they don’t accept new patients over 20 years old#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#this is why i don’t even bother with the mental health system#i am this close to giving up and just cutting sugar + self-medicating with mouthwash forever#if i seem stressed and like i am not writing all of a sudden#this is unfortunately why
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#i usually do everything in my power to Not think like this but i have to get it out of my head#there have been so many times recently where i think about my acting and my life goals and i just. want to give it all up#i am so tired and i have these moments of incredible hopelessness#and i feel like nothing has ever worked out for me & i’ve always had terrible timing with reaching my goals…#i think about even the one big goal that i HAVE lived and achieved through hard work (last year’s internship that i’ve mentioned a couple ti#times on here) gave some incredible memories but it also wreaked havoc on my mental health and my studies#now i’m burned out a lot of the time. i have undiagnosed adhd and probably autism as well — which i would never use as an excuse for not bei#being able to do something but it is HARD because my mom won’t believe that I’m neurodivergent#and it is difficult to be productive#Also Christmastime always makes me sad so there’s that#but point is. sometimes i want to give up#and i have never been someone to quit on my dreams so i feel pretty shitty for even entertaining the idea#i know that acting and every other art form that i love is what i WANT and i can’t think of much else that would make me happy#but sometimes i am just so tired i… don’t even want to try anymore#disappointment and the fear of more disappointment just becomes too much#i just want to get away from my past and start over#belle speaks#stories of my life#adventures in showbiz
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#how do I make the self loathing n depression stop. i feel like I’m drowning n like I’m pulling my loved ones down with me#I’m trying really hard to be a person but it feels like ky progress is gone. i have a hard time standing up for too long so it’s rlly hard#cooking for myself even though one of my goals was to cook more. i keep forgetting what day/month it is#i feel like I’m so far away and everyone is just . millions of miles away from me#i just. want living to not feel like a chore. i have so many things I look foreword to#n I don’t want to quit on myself#and part of me thinks it’s the stress from our constantly sinking money sitch due to comic deadlines — that are only here to help motivate#the world won’t end if we don’t make them. i think that’s something we forget#but yeah I’m worried abt my mom and my health is declining I’m always dizzy and forgetful b I have problems holding convos#and I’m tired all the time and my libido is gone and it’s either my depression or my antidepressants but I’m worried abt it#idk what if I’m dying. my family can’t afford me dying. and I don’t want to cut a life short that has so much potential#but golly gee has my mental health not gotten the memo. i wanna do things for the ones I love but mh body seems to be shutting down#i want to be a good friend or lover or child or adult but I mostly feel like I’m stuck a few years back#but I will be okay. i will learn how to navigate my newfound issues. make sure to go outside despite my general adversion to it#learn to let myself feel freely about the present. while also think past tommorow uh positively#if I give up on myself what more do I have?
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