#(normally even if I'm in immense pain I'll get up and get to where I need to be.)

[suckerforcate]

Hii I love your fics :))

I have a few fic ideas for Emily x fem reader but id never get around to write them myself :)

So I have an idea for a fluffy one where the reader is new to the BAU and has never been on a plane before and is nervous flying and it’s Emily comforting them

Or a more smutty one where Reader is over at Emily’s house or at a party or something and they decide to sneak away and end up playing strip poker

Aviophobia

Pairing: Emily Prentiss x fem!Reader

Word Count: 797

Warning: anxiety over flying?

Summary: it's your first time flying on the BAU Jet or any plane in general, and you're a bit panicked. Emily calms you.

A/n: It's a pretty short one, but quite cute!! I have the second request in my notes, can't promise I'll write it tho!! Hope you like it anon <3 Would love a repost or comment!!

■----------------------------------------■

This was definitely not normal, was it? Surely you would die now. This was it. You had survived fights with Serial Killers, abductions and an explosion of a bomb. But the first plane ride in your life was that one step too far. That one step that just wasn't justified anymore. You were going to die today.

"Hey, you alright?" Derek's voice cut through your thoughts as he walked past you, stopping for a moment to take a look at you. You were gripping the arm rests like they'd alone keep you alive, and your face felt like it had to be as white a sheet.

"Perfectly fine." You pressed out and gave him a smile that even felt painful. Judging by the face he made, it also looked painful. But thankfully he didn't press the matter and simply walked away.

You shut your eyes again, desperately trying not to panic as the flight gets a bit bumpy. You leaned your head back against the seat and took a deep breath. Just when you thought you'd calmed a bit you hit an air pocket.

You practically felt your heart sink into your stomach, your hand desperately flying to the closest living thing to get comfort from. Which in this case happened to be Emily's leg. She had it propped up on her seat, while reading a book.

As she felt your hand tightly grip onto her leg she looked up from her book surprised. You were honestly too panicked to even register anything. Your eyes were closed, fingers digging into Emily's leg and breathe a bit shaky. You just opened your eyes when you felt a warm hand on your own.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Emily softly asked you as you looked at her. You gave her an apologetic look and loosened your grip a bit, her fingers immediately intertwining themselves with yours. It did wonders to soothe your racing heart.

But just until you hit another air pocket. You squeezed her hand, so tightly it must have surely cut off the blood flow. Realisation crept over her face and her features softened immensely.

"Are you afraid of flying?" She asked, her thing gently brushing over your knuckles. The plane stabilised, and the flight got less bumpy, so you relaxed a bit.

"Apparently. Never flown before today." You admitted and shrugged. It was your first flight ever, and it turned out you did not like it at all. Emily nodded understandingly.

"You know, nothing is going to happen. Turbulence or air pockets are not dangerous. Spencer once said plane crashes mostly occur in the first five minutes or the last eight minutes of the flight." Emily spoken trying to calm you. She had probably not given the information out completely correct, but that didn't really matter. It still slightly calmed you.

"We're right in the middle of it, so it's very improbable that we'll crash." She spoke, voice still soft and soothing. She gave you a reassuring smile that actually helped. You weren't sure what exactly it was about her, but Emily never failed to calm you. In the few weeks you'd been working with the team, Emily had always been the one you had turned to for questions or advice.

"Sorry that I'm so anxious." You apologised, trying to laugh it off nervously. Emily simply shook her head.

"No, it's okay. Flying can be scary." How could one person be so sweet? She didn't judge you, didn't make fun of you or mock you. She simply assured you.

"Why did you never fly before?" She asked gently, her thumb still brushing over your knuckles. You realised it was an attempt to distract you. But you didn't mind.

"We never really had money to go anywhere far away and pay for plane tickets. So we stayed close to home." You explained and shrugged. A life very different to Emily's as the ambassador's daughter.

"We used to always do road trips though. My sister and I could pick the music, and we always got Fast Food. It was the only time we were allowed McDonald's." You spoke, a slight hint of nostalgia in your voice. It had been an obvious attempt to calm you, but it had been efficient nonetheless. You were feeling much calmer.

It became routine. In the plane you sat next to Emily, and she held your hand throughout the whole flight. No matter how long it was. And she always fluid something to talk about, something to get your mind off of the fact that you were much higher up in the sky than was ever meant for human beings. Emily knew you couldn't avoid the plane rides. It was part of the job. But she did her best to make them easier for you.

[football-and-fanfics]

When I Let It Out - Mason Mount

Who: Mason Mount, Declan Rice Prompt: Hyperventilating Requested by: anonymous Word count: 644 Warnings: contains descriptions of panic attack and hyperventilating.

Mason wasn't one to easily talk about his feelings or emotions, never had been and still wasn't. Instead, he was used to keeping it all in and pushing it down. But at some point, in a big burst, everything spilled out. It always did.

Mason knew this wasn't the best way to go about things, and he should probably find a healthier way to deal with his emotions, but that was far easier said than done.

Today was such a day where he wasn't able to keep things in anymore. Mason instantly felt that once he stepped off the pitch after training today. He had witnessed one of his England teammates sustain a possibly serious injury, and ever since then, the foreboding tightness had settled in Mason's chest.

Mason stepped into the dressing room with the world feeling like a haze around him. The tightness in his chest only became worse, as if someone was pulling a belt tighter around him. He couldn't breathe normally anymore. Each inhale seemed to be blocked off and air could only reach his lungs in limited amounts. The familiar sense of panic that usually accompanied these episodes rose fast now.

"We're going in here for a moment."

Mason wasn't even aware at first of Declan appearing beside him and putting his arm around him to steer Mason into a side room. Declan closed the door behind the both of them to give Mason some privacy.

Mason almost gasped for breath now. "Take it easy, mate." Declan soothed. "Try to think about what you always do in these situations. You've done it before, and I know you can do it again now." Mason tried with all his might, but wasn't really succeeding yet. He stumbled over to the nearest wall and placed flat hands against it, leaning forward and bending his head low. No matter what he did, his breaths remained strained and high in his throat.

Declan watched Mason struggle silently for a little while. "Mase..." He finally started. The sadness for his friend sounded in his voice. "I'm alright," Mason answered softly, "I'll be alright." He seemed to have a little bit of breath back, although it was still far from normal. "I know that," Declan answered calmly, "but we do need to talk about this, please."

Mason slowly turned around, leaning his back against the wall now. He tried to keep the expression on his face neutral, but Declan saw through that right away. "This isn't good, mate," Declan said sadly. Mason meant to respond, but an involuntary gasp of breath took away his answer. He slowly shook his head instead. "Deep breaths," Declan guided, "try to take deep breaths."

Declan wished this was the first time he had to talk and support Mason through one of these episodes, but it wasn't. He knew exactly how Mason dealt with difficult or painful situations, how immensely hard he found that, and how his way of dealing with it surely wasn't the best way.

"I know what you want to say." Mason managed to get the words out. Declan nodded thoughtfully. "I'm sure you do." Mason took another shuddering breath. "Maybe it's time I start working on it." "I think so, too." Declan agreed. "Because this can't go on like this. This isn't healthy, mate."

Mason's breath caught high in his chest again. "But I'm scared of it." "Oh, Mase..." Declan stepped forward to rest his hands on Mason's shoulders. "That's what I'm here for. You don't have to do it alone. No matter how hard it gets, I'm going to be there for you."

Mason glanced up at his friend. The man whom he knew for basically all his life and who knew him so well. A sudden feeling of gratitude flooded through Mason. "Thank you," he whispered sincerely, "because I'm probably going to need the support."

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[bladesmercy]

001 for sfkr and clerith!

oomf u know me so well. thank you for letting me yap >:-)

001 | send me a ship and I will tell you:

sefikura 🐍♡☁️

when I started shipping it if I did:

there's actually a funny story to this one. > be me. > guilelessly playing kingdom hearts 2 in 2019. > "what the hell is these dudes' deal. i wonder if people ship them at all" > open ao3 thinking there might be a handful of fics > "oh there's a couple more than a few, huh" > life ruined.

my thoughts:

my favorite little guys in anything ever. they surgically removed my personality to make room for more sefikura. truly i have never loved a ship as much as this one. literal otp of all time.

What makes me happy about them:

everything? they're so funny and silly to me. extremely pathetic creatures. two absolute losers. i think of them and i always smile. i love the fact that each of them have independently made their personality revolve around each other at different points in time, it's so funny.

What makes me sad about them:

EVERYTHING. the fact they will never have a happy ending. the fact they will be enemies in every (canon) universe. the fact they are two extremely broken people who are uniquely equipped to understand each other and that won't be enough to save them.

things done in fanfic that annoys me:

tbh i'm so picky with what i like and don't like about how both these guys often end up characterized, but i also think all interpretations are valuable in their own way. i can't think of any huge annoyances, except that i have very Specific feelings/headcanons about sephiroth in crisis core era, and usually won't read things that veer too far away from that.

things I look for in fanfic:

i love any and all fics where the author makes it obvious that sephiroth is just. completely besotted. and i think cloud feeds off of that, even if he won't admit it. i'll read just about anything with these two, but i especially love stories where authors can articulate the crux of their dysfunction really well. yes, these two have have immense amounts of hate, and blood, and pain between them, but (especially on sephiroth's end) there is also an Intense desire for intimacy, of any kind. these two things juxtaposed well is just magical to me.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: 

no one. i say that as a joke but it's pretty much true. for cloud i do also ship him hardcore with aerith (somewhat against my own will XD), but outside of that i don't really multiship these two anymore. i used to be a Hardcore multishipper, and while i still appreciate things like some polyshipping (other cleriseph enjoyers where are you, i need food of that ot3 so bad), i honestly can't enjoy the thought of them being with anyone else. i miss being a multishipper, because these days pretty much every single other ship with them (outside of clerith) has become a notp for me. ;w;

My happily ever after for them:

in canon? haha. the closest i could see them in canon ffvii (and the closest i think part 3 of remake would get to giving them a 'happy' ending) is having a moment of resolution similar to what kuja and zidane get in ffix. i would be satisfied with that for canon. BUT if we're taking all the stops off, i want to see the dramatic epic pining slowburn post-AC where they eventually figure out how to lead semi-normal lives alongside each other. this is making me want to write that now....maybe that will be my next fic project.

who is the big spoon/little spoon:

there's an obvious answer here with consideration to builds and hair lengths, i think. i like to think cloud has accepted his fate to have this 7 foot tall piece of brick clinging to him like an octopus.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity:

this is another obvious one, and i'm tempted to say 'fighting', but i'm not sure that clears the bar of non-sexual for them. my second choice is that i think they would just genuinely enjoy being around each other in silence. they're both such introverts, and i like to think of them just recharging quietly with each other.

clerith ☁️♡🌎

when I started shipping it if I did:

let me preface this by saying that when remake came out in 2020, i had less than zero interest in vii's infamous love triangle. i wanted no piece of it in my heart or my home. then the game came out and cloud and aerith gripped me by the throat and violently dragged me into falling in love with them by being so damn charming and heartfelt and perfect for each other.

my thoughts:

i love these two so damn much. i really Really loved them in remake, and rebirth intensified this to a level i could Not have anticipated and is currently ruining my life. i love them. i love that they are soulmates, romantic, platonic, or something in-between. i love that their bond and chemistry is near-instantaneous, i love that cloud blooms into letting himself experience softness around her, i love that aerith finally has someone who cares about making her happy and standing by her so damn much.

What makes me happy about them:

so much. their love is so pure and tentative. their vibes to me run parallel to how i see and experience the early 20s as a queer person, essentially the second teenage-hood where you're still feeling yourself out as a person, and you have no idea what you're doing. you feel like you're missing out on a lot of the fundamental experiences that 'normal' people have already had, and i feel like both cloud and aerith mirror that emotion, thanks to the fucked up circumstances of both their lives. aerith is cloud's first real friend after nibelheim (and potentially ever, depending on how close you think he was with zack. to me, i hc cloud and zack were pretty friendly, but not especially close prior to the nibelheim incident.) and cloud is also one of aerith's first friends. they've both suffered such acute loneliness and isolation in their lives, and the fact they find healing for that in each other is so so special to me. the fact that aerith is the person most able to reach through to the person cloud Really is, even under everything he's got going on, makes me so deranged.

What makes me sad about them:

well. there is a very obvious answer. so there is definitely That. that's kind of a big deal.

things done in fanfic that annoys me:

honestly i feel like i don't have many specific fanfic annoyances in general, because if a fic annoys me i just stop reading it, and then my adhd makes me forget i read it to begin with.

things I look for in fanfic:

i really love everything with these two, i love all the cute fluff happy ever afters they don't get to have in canon, but i also love the angst and the drama and the trauma. usually i just gravitate towards any fics that i feel understands the characters well or has interesting ideas, the exact plot or type of scenario is less important to me.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: 

in my heart, cloud's endgame ship is always sephiroth. as for aerith, i'm also a Huge zerith shipper (yes i am in constant emotional pain, how did you know), but aeriseph also firmly has a place in my heart.

My happily ever after for them:

any. any of them. i want the most tooth-rotting fluffy ending for these two. (admittedly, their iconic tragedy is a part of why i love them so bad. without it, my emotional investment would be Nowhere near as high.) i've been reading a lot of wedding/alternate future fics with these two lately and they all make me ;w;

who is the big spoon/little spoon:

i genuinely think it goes both ways, but if i had to say i think cloud is doomed to be a little spoon in any lifetime.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity:

oooh tough one!! i think aerith would love teaching cloud to garden....though i'm not sure he would be any good at it. but i have faith in him to learn.

[alevolpe]

first of all hi I really love your art:)

ok so do you head canon the sailor senshi having scars ?if yes where would they have them?and do you think usagi would feel guilty every time she sees her friends scars because they have the mission/responsibility to protect her in fights ?idk if my questions made sense 😅

but yeah that���s all thank you for your time in reading this :)

Hi there! Thank you so much!

And yeah, I do hc the senshi having scars, but my hc is a bit convoluted. Basically if an injury is caused by a fight when in senshi form, that scar would only show in their civilian form and it would only show if it's form a major injury (senshi healing prevents them from being covered in scars from minor to even some major cuts/bruises). So say sailor Mars gets grievously injured. Rei would get a scar, but the next time she turns into Mars, that scar is no longer present for the time of her being Sailor Mars.

The only exception is if a scar was present from before their awakening, say kid Minako fell down a ditch and broke her leg and she had to get surgery, that surgery scar would be present both in her human and senshi form.

With all that said I do hc the majority of the senshi getting some type of scar/major injury in my 'super hc, definitely detached from canon' storyline.

I see Ami losing some fingers from over-exerting herself, due Mercury not being immune to her own powers (ice). I see Usagi losing her right arm trying to save the two idiot lesbians from Saturn and Mina getting a thin horizontal scar on her face she got while saving Usagi. Mako and Haruka both have scars too, though those are from their childhoods, Haruka lost use of the right eye in a domestic violence incident and Mako getting a pretty major abdominal scar from the plane crash (in my hc I have it where she was on the flight that killed her parents, it's depressing ik, but its there for a reason).

The others I'm wishy-washy on, I don't really like giving scars just cause, I like to have a narrative reason for them. I'm sure as I develop the story more, I'd get a better line on them.

I do see Usagi feeling guilty, but not about most of their scars, she mostly feels guilty for Mina's scar, since Mina got it from saving her. She more deals with a general feeling of guilt for causing her friends' lives to be tied to being a senshi. I'll get more headcanon-y for a moment and say that I hc that being a senshi is not something you can just walk away from, not only responsibility wise, but also physically. The girls have to transform on a regular basis, or their bodies start to get all this built up energy that can cause physical ans mental strain, like headaches, general pains, mood swings and even allucinations. It's basically you transform on a regular basis or you die, straight up. The star seeds have no use for a body that is unwilling to utilize the energy it provides, so it just seeks to kill the host and find a new vessel.

So Usagi would feel an immense amount of guilt while hearing her friends joking around and talking about how one of the girls had to lock herself in the bathroom during class for 10 minutes cause they had to transform and the teacher got soo mad!! It pains her even tho she knows, deep down, it's not her fault, but she's the only person alive she can blame. Her friends will never be able to live a normal life, and it's all her fault.

Sorry this one got a lil off topic, hopefully not too much. Thank you and sorry it took so long.

[onetrackminded]

Newly Diagnosed w/ PTSD

It was simultaneously surprising and not surprising. For one, I've known for years now I've probably been suffering from a kind of CPTSD from childhood and adolescence. I've had triggers, flashbacks, and nerve-wracking anxiety for a while. Weirdly enough though, all those things were relatively mild in comparison to my bigger problems (namely bipolar disorder and various neurodiversities).

Three years ago, my trauma symptoms were present but incredibly manageable with some run-of-the-mill Buspar. This is partly due to the fact that I was ignorant to the scope and span of the abuse I faced and was still facing. It was normalized. I believe trauma is much easier to cope with when you're not aware of it and when you're still in it, at least in my case.

Now that I've escaped a three-year-long abusive relationship, all of that has changed. It felt like for the first time, I was experiencing all these new and gravely intense symptoms of trauma. I'm living with my mother now, a situation caused by financial abuse in my previous relationship. I love my mother, and she's endlessly generous and helpful, but living with her and my baby brother feels like trying to re-integrate back into society after leaving a cult.

When I spoke to my therapist about some of the symptoms I was having, she gave me a PTSD questionnaire to fill out. I was weirdly shocked and validated by many of the symptoms listed, such as the ones concerning apathy.

For months at that point, I'd been having issues with feeling much of anything. Even when I'm in the midst of crying and processing my pain, I'll have moments where I completely stop crying and go numb. It's uncanny, and feels like my emotions are heavily compartmentalized.

The worst part of apathy is how it can make you treat people in your life. Every little thing can become irritating. Triggers are everywhere; I've described it before as being like a minefield. There is no avoiding them. That means I frequently suspect the people I love are trying to hurt me, which can cause me to act defensively and short-fused.

Thankfully, the folks in my life right now are very understanding. I always do my best to apologize for my behavior and explore my fears with them, but that is painstakingly difficult. It often feels as though my brain is requiring immense amounts of emotional labor in order to be calm (or something akin to calm).

I have a lot of work to do. More work than I've ever done, arguably. The thing about PTSD is that it requires so much constant diligence. Apathy must be met with a problem-solving attitude: identify the unmet (usually emotional) need, then meet it. Meeting those needs requires walking through the terror, teeth quite literally gritted shut, and trusting that the people around you aren't abusing you even though every fibre of your being is telling you otherwise.

It means staying up late and worrying that you're falling into the same abuse traps again, then needing to analyze and re-analyze with the people around you to quell that fear. Then, once peace is achieved, you get triggered yet again. The cycle repeats sometimes mere minutes after the conclusion of the last. Trauma is sisyphean in this way; pushing boulders up mountains just for it to fall back down. An endless tide of failure.

As pessimistic as I'd like to continue being, I know it gets better. Someday, I'd like to think I'll be able to go weeks without being triggered. Someday, if I work hard enough, I can know peace again, or whatever thing akin to peace I had before.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: First of all, happy holidays! I hope that you can spend them with the people precious to you and can rest your energies for next year.

Okay, so this is a bit about communication issues with my parents. I have autism with sensory hypersensitivity in general, specifically misophonia. Loud noises (especially high-pitched ones) REALLY hurt my ears. The problem is that both my parents have a tendency to scream without warning whenever something displeases them in a conversation.

My father talks really loudly normally (I think he has hearing loss) and when he gets excited, he shouts your ear off. He's like that all the time and I really like him, so the best I can do is just stand a bit far away when he's talking since he gets really angry and offended when you ask him to tone down a bit.

My mother talks at a reasonable volume, but every time she gets angry at something you say (she perceives everything as a personal attack and doesn't really get that I'm autistic and what it truly entails. To her, it's a limiting label I can overcome with enough will), she will scream at you out of the blue. I ask her to tone down because it hurts and I'm listening just fine, sometimes she will, most of them she'll just accuse me of making her angry in purpose, say I use the "wrong" words (I have no idea what she means and when I ask her to clarify, she says "I should know" as if I'm neurotypical, but go off, I guess lol) or start getting even angrier. I'm not accusing her of anything, I'm just calmly asking her to speak a little less loudly because it hurts when she talks like that and that I'm listening just fine.

I spent a time living by myself at uni, so I got used to them not screaming my ear anymore, so now that I'll spend the holidays at home, it's truly an issue. I suspect my mother has some type of personality disorder because if she perceives any sort of "accusation" in what you're saying, she'll berate at you. I'm not saying anything bad for her to flip off like that. It happens with my father as well, but he'll just scream back at her and it'll become unbearable to be around them at those times.

Do you have any suggestions on how can I talk to them a bit to minimize this issue? It truly hurts, so it's not something I can just pretend it's fine, when you're in physical pain, it becomes unbearable to pretend it's not that, but I really like them and want to be around them. Thanks, have a nice xmas

-------------------

I wish you happy holidays as well, though it may be a challenge. Your parents sound like... quite the characters. As a general rule of thumb, when you are faced with a situation that cannot be changed or people who will never change, most of your options fall into three categories: accept, adapt, or avoid.

I relate to your pain. I also can't physically tolerate shouting and screaming. I'm not autistic but I have immense sensitivity to certain loud noises, to the point where it feels like my brain melts and I will collapse. For example, when I'm working on my car and I have to turn on the shop-vac, the noise of that thing just punctures a big hole in my being. Others just deal with it and can't understand why it's debilitating for me. Some sufferers try a kind of graduated exposure therapy, where they expose themselves to louder and louder noises to gradually get used to them, but it hasn't worked for me.

Since I can't change my physical sensitivity and I can't always change the sound environment, I keep a set of earplugs handy whenever it's likely I'll be subjected to very loud noises. I found some discreet looking ones and I sometimes use hat/hair to cover them up as needed, but people are usually understanding once I explain the problem. I learned to adjust them into a position where I can still hear what people say while volume is reduced.

I'm not saying this is an ideal solution or that it will work for you. I'm only saying that practical problems need practical solutions, so you have to be creative and find a way to adapt.

[da-at-ass]

So this is where I am with mental illness, being a trans man, and having migraine headaches from a childhood injury that my parents won't give me more than sparse details on but which left me with a head scar that is visible to every person I meet:

IBS-like symptoms such as gut pain and severe indigestion arise when there is stress or hypervigilance. This often results in severe inflammation of the bowel area, and sometimes causes nausea which makes it difficult to eat.

Headaches and heat flares also occur with stress and it is difficult to take medication for them when my guts are inflamed and I'm nauseous. Dramamine is only so effective. So I end up just trying to use cold compresses, air conditioning, etc. Headaches get immensely worse if I don't have enough protein or carbs, which can be a problem if I have IBS-like symptoms.

Headaches also occur due to seasonal changes and pressure shifts. I have a crack in my skull and a scar on my scalp that ache when these things occur.

Sometimes the headaches are actually muscle tension in my neck pulling at my head and scalp. I have a few connections missing when it comes to my scalp and facial muscles, so my face itself tends to be tenser than normal just to keep a "neutral" expression instead of "frowning" all the time. (Turns out it takes me a lot more muscles to smile because those tendons/connections were cut! When I was 3-5 years old, age varying depending on when my parents have told me about it!)

The inflammation in my guts can cause the testosterone I take to not be able to reach my ovaries consistently due to the whole system just being overloaded, which means that this causes other problems with my sleep cycle, sanity, digestion, etc. Basically the whole ecosystem reboots after a few days and afterwards hormones start working again.

My headache pain meds are very effective when they're treating, specifically, migraine-like headache pain. But they also affect my mood and emotional stability. Which means, well, sometimes I have to cancel interactions with the rest of the world because I'm just that internally unregulatable. If the headache meds don't work then the pain itself causes me to be very critical or angry, because it's hard to feel other things when I'm feeling these ways.

Light is very hard to handle when the pain is bad in my head, and so I can't watch things all the time, or even be in a room with a decent amount of light in it.

There's some coping mechanisms I've developed, and some of them work well, and some of them require resources I don't have right now. For instance, there's no hot water in my house right now, and that means I can't take a hot shower, which is often very helpful for the temperature regulation. I've tried a cold shower and it just makes my muscles clench up. The opposite of what I need in that state.

What's the most frustrating for me is that I enjoy doing things for my family and for others, and I actually enjoy work. But in this state, I can't be reliable for anyone. I don't know when I'll find an equilibrium that makes it more workable. I know when my astrology says things open up, but that's it. Honestly, I think it'll take a hysterectomy to put my system where it needs to be, and I'd like top surgery while I'm at it. The hormones would work out a lot better without the stupid ovaries in there. The muscles would work better without the stupid extra chest baggage there.

I don't see much about trans health issues besides binders and basic hormone access. This condition complicates my life incredibly, and there have been many times that I have tried to expedite the surgery stuff only to have people get in the way with their needs and concerns instead of listening to mine. I just feel like I'm about to have a huge paradigm shift in my life, like this situation can't hold as-is, and whatever's on the other side is so drastically different that I can't imagine it yet.

Until then, I never know what the next day is going to be like, living inside this body that other people rigged up into a chemical bomb with their poisons.

[dorkass-nerd]

it fucking sucks being disabled (mutual aid links at the end)

i'm so fucking sick of it.

i'm sick of the medical negligence i face on the regular

i'm sick of the amount of doctors i see year in year out

last year i saw (and i counted) 12 different doctors in around a 3 month period.

i've already lost count of the amount of times i've seen doctors this year

from speciaists, to normal planned doctors appointments, to emergency doctor appointments for constant and reoccuring issues that spring up out of seemingly nowhere and leave me crippled with pain.

i dog ear every page in my journal i keep to log all my medical issues

and i have a week-per-page diary

and about half of the pages are dog eared. i've just added a new dog ear and have another doctor appointment in a weeks time

i have almost no dignity left

i've been exposed in front of so many strange people, touched in places i never want strangers to touch, and been told again and again that "your bloods are fine theres nothing wrong!" as if bloods are the only way to glean any information on a patient.

a referall for a blood screen seems to have just gotten lost somewhere in the system and i had to wait over a month from booking a seperate blood test to the actual appointment day because walk in bloods are something that conventiently wasn't brought back after the covid scare died down (i know its still an issue i just mean its not cared about as much in places)

im working on a timer here, i want to emigrate, i want to leave this country that is actively harmful to my health and wellbeing.

i want to tie up as many loose ends as i can before i leave.

but the system is working against me, constantly, all the time

when i start to get somewhere with a doctor they leave and i have to start all over again with a new doctor. and recount my entire medical history because they don't have time to even skim my notes because of how swamped the system is.

the doctor im seeing now has been an immense help, and im glad to be finally getting somwhere but my g-d

i've fought tooth and nail for every inch of ground i've gained.

it shouldn't be like this.

for anyone

please do not worry about me when i say this, i am not suicidal, i would not kill myself. but i have reached the point in my disabilty journey where if death came to claim me i would welcome it with open arms and say "hey, you fucking took your time, lets get going, bags are already packed"

and please, before anyone comes in here and tells me i need to be grateful because i have free healthcare or whatever, i fully fucking recognise that, and i am grateful for it

but please

i need you to acknowledge

i can be grateful for a system but still critisise it

i can be grateful for a system but still critisise it

i can be grateful for a system but still critisise it

those two things can and do coexist.

but i guess on the other side of it if you want to help a bitch out in accumulating savings to get the hell out of here i'll drop links, help is much appreciated and i love you all <3

[chaoticdaydreamingmess]

Vent! ↓

(not a pleasant vent I just really need to vent somewhere somehow I guess this is where I'm choosing? Feel free to ignore this.)

Anybody else have to deal with a disabling fear of leaving their house? (Not really asking just talking to air I guess.)

I've got IBD (irritable bowl disorder) aka my intestine are littered in scars, destroy themselves, and can make me have immense pain when I underground any kinda stress. This can make you flare up and bleed out your butt. It makes you need the washroom more than you should and the stress. All you need is the stress and it can make you bleed again due to your insides just overworking themselves I guess.

I have gotten to the point I literally can't leave the home without going to the toilet and then having a panic attack due to both not being ready in time and fear of a "lack of bathroom accident" and on top of that it always makes me hurt to panic, feeling my intestines shaking almost, basically my insides vibrating when I get this worked up. I hate that I do this I hate it so so frishing much.

My mom implied me to join her to pick up grosuries which yeah normal simple task. But I'm still stuck in the bathroom feeling like death for being panicked.

She said I didn't have to go now after I texted her practically begging and trying to find a compromise aka something maybe equivalent like just sitting on the steps untill she gets back or using our exercises thing, but I feel like bashing my head on the wall. The only thing that keeps me from things like that is fear of being caught or scolded for it. I'm still just standing in the bathroom stuck to leave so I'm typing this.

I hate everything about this so much.

Trying to get myself to leave my washroom since I'm not on the toilet at the moment. Doesn't help I haven't eaten anything today, my mom doesn't know that yet. She'll be upset when I tell her.

Can't help the mild fear she'll ask me to go when I leave the bathroom. Hate it hate it hate it.

Wish this would all go away and I could go back to enjoying car rides with her. Because the worst part of all this is I actually used to enjoy looking out the window and just playing make believe.

I have an appointment next week that I HAVE to go to so I can only hope I'll manage then... Hate all of this.

Sorry for the vent I just need to put this somewhere even if I fear it.

[dzvagabond]

In the Beginning

Here's a lore fic for Aiden, my Hunter from Blood//borne. It's set pretty in the beginning of the game with some canon changes to the game's story. It was written on: 09/28/22. Some context before reading: Aiden was adopted by Gascoigne and his family at a young age, before his girls, Elisa and Sarah, were born. [As always, Read More added for length]

Yharnam was a lot different from what Aiden had remembered. After waking in the Hunter's Dream and encountering Gherman again for what felt like the first time in years, being back in his home felt… off. The creatures had overtaken the usually quiet calm place and the hunters who usually patrolled were nowhere to be found. It was off-putting to the young hunter. Gascoigne, his mentor, his father, was normally the one in Central Yharnam and yet… He wasn't anywhere. 

'Maybe Gascoigne succumbed to the plague…?' He shook the thought from his mind, figuring he might have started patrolling closer to the chapel in the Cathedral Ward considering how many creatures were in the square.

After searching for what felt like hours, encountering various arseholes who're going mad due to isolation and hysteria, and a lovely gentleman named Gilbert; Aiden decided to try to head over to the flat he called his home all those years ago. 

'Maybe the girls would still be there with Viola. I hope they're safe from all of this madness.' 

Going through what felt like hordes of diseased, mad villagers, he made it to the flat albeit covered in blood. The smell of incense hit his nose, making him feel proud that they remembered the precaution after all this time. 

He walked up to the barred, lit window and softly knocked on the stained glass. A soft, nervous voice perked up at the sound of his knocking."H-hello..? Daddy?"

"Elisa, is that you?"

A soft gasp of what sounded like excitement came from the young girls' voice. "Aiden! You're okay!"

"Of course I'm alright, dear. Is Sarah and your mum with you?"

There was a slight hesitation from Elisa that immediately worried Aiden. He hoped nothing happened to either of them. 

"Mum… Mum went missing a few nights ago looking for Daddy. She forgot her music box again. B-but, Sarah is here with me, she's just asleep upstairs at the moment. Do you want me to go get her Aiden?" 

The hunter let out a sigh of relief. At least the children, his sisters, we're safe. Viola however… He would have to keep an eye out for her. Maybe she found his mentor and they decided to hole up somewhere for the time being. 

"No love, that's fine. Let her rest. I'm going to try to find mum and dad, alright? I promise I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Please be safe brother, we don't want to lose you to this dreadfulness. Take mum's music box with you. Maybe if she or daddy hears it, they'll come straight to you."

Aiden smiled inwardly to himself as the small music box was pushed through a small gap in between the bars of the window. He gently picked it up and put it in the satchel at his side. "I promise I'll be safe and I'll take good care of mum's trinket. You two stay hidden and I'll see you soon." 

The two said their quick goodbyes and the hunter started making his way towards the Tomb of Oedon, where he knew there was a safe house close; not knowing the horrors that awaited him. 

__________________________________________

Aiden felt sick, felt guilty, felt immense pain in his chest as the realization of his actions had caught up to him. He didn't want to do it, but there was no other choice. Gascoigne was too far gone, had killed Viola in his blood-crazed stupor and didn't even recognize him, his own son. 

The hunter wanted to fall to his knees and cry out, yell out, beat out his frustration. But there were more pressing matters at hand. He had to get Elisa and Sarah to the Oedon Chapel. That's where Eileen said it was safe. There was an old hermit overseeing the place with incense where the girls could be safe until they could leave this wretched place. 

Aiden didn't have the heart to tell them what had happened once he arrived at the house. He kept Viola's broach hidden from them lest the two tried to do something drastic. Instead, he told them he couldn't find the two but they had to leave quickly. There was a sanctuary where they could stay together with other survivors from the village. 

The guilt would just have to eat away at the man, no matter what the cost. He couldn't lose them too.

[deadtower]

G/t anon over here, I'm very glad to hear you understand my point of view and tbh I 100% agree with Tioga being a sentient, intelligent being capable of consent ❤️ Truth be told I did check through the Harkness test more than once (and they successfully passed it every time ofc) while reading the fics and before sending the ask, and although it's still not entirely my cup of tea I appreciate that part a little more now that I've spoken with you about it ^^

It's also worth noticing that Tioga/Giratina in the Cor Unum series definitely isn't an entity like any other, they're a powerful divinity not unlike Arceus (just writing down their name makes me want to have them disappear ewww) and tbf it's quite sad and unfair that in the PLA game they kept such a huge difference in knowledge and sentience between the two. For example Giratina simply roars their cry and fights like a normal pokemon would in battle, while Arceus is able to communicate and have conversations with you (even tho it's highly possible that the real Arceus is the one speaking, not the vessel/part of themselves the player receives after defeating them at the Hall of Origin) and can unleash their power with ease in a complex, multilayered boss fight. Also, even Dialga and Palkia are shown being capable of communicating via telepathy with their respective clan leader, while with Giratina we only get some... off-screen dialogue between them and Volo, before PLA events and in the post-game? The writers at GameFreak are literally so biased tbh xD I'm getting off track here but you get what I'm saying, lol

Yeah Non Mortem, Somni Fratrem (my knowledge of Latin grammar is literally so so rusty btw, apologies xD) will most likely kick me in the butt so hard lol, I love the Submas brothers a lot and I'm very curious to see how you're going to write them! x3 ❤️ also I forgot to mention it in the previous ask but omg I really liked Deus Nolens Exitus too! I'm a big fan of 'Volo wins!' scenarios but upon realizing he was secretly carrying all his followers' and everyone else's afflictions on his back like some kind of Atlas, it made me whine and weep immensely 😭 I was like "Volo no, baby… you gotta stop this, it's actually super unhealthy and it's hurting you so much!" 😭😭 He can be such a selfless character and I love him for that but omg, he really doesn't deserve any more pain, he's been through so much already 😞😞

Pater Peccavi is great so far btw! Tioga having to face different incarnations of Arceus with each chapter being a kind of trial is super interesting and thrilling! And I've just realized what you meant about the first letter of each tag being so important OMGGG, that's genius!!!! Also I'll definitely read Febris Amatoria too, cause the ending of chapter 3 from PP totally went over my head xD

Oderint Dum Metuant is just really good tbh! All the g/t interactions make it even more fun of course, and witnessing Volo being in distress pulled at my heartstrings too 🥺🥺 (Latios with his creepy hunger can fuck off btw, Latias is the superior sibling of the duo lol). Thankfully Tioga won against Carnifex, but omg the final chapter… aaaaaa the feels, when we finally catch up with how much time has passed since their fight, and what's been happening in the meantime while Tioga was asleep ;-;

Oh well, where to even begin xD I think it's basically canon how Arceus acts so mercilessly to Volo and mocks him too by favoring the player character instead of him (which isn't also completely true all the time btw, like the MC is literally unwillingly taken away from the present time and their family and friends, but Arceus never let them return home once they're done?? Like hello?? Who even does that!), but your version of Arceus is so cruel, sadistic and evil it could put Ghetsis Harmonia to shame and I like it xD I'm almost sure in saying they're the biggest divine bitch I've ever read about, lmfao xD

Also I absolutely get where your religious feelings come from, it must be very tough for you guys to deal with anything God-related if said God (whether they exist or not) is literally so apathetic they let anything happen to you and your ancestors for thousands of years :( it does resonate with Volo's story a lot tbf, taking also into account the fact that his people have disappeared from history (except him and Cogita ofc) and Arceus doesn't ever or even bring them up to the player :(( for this reason I'm sending you (and to Volo and Tioga too ofc) so many hugs! ❤️

Omg this ask is getting very long, but I wanted to mention two more things first:

I'm currently planning out to write a g/t story including a gender neutral Reader and Volo (it's a slow process but I'm getting there xD)

I've just made a meme about Tioga&Volo vs. Arceus but I can't send it to ya anonymously because Tumblr doesn't allow it, so this might be the last time I'll be addressing myself as g/t anon x3 tbh tho I think it's fair, we've been discussing stuff for a while and I feel like I can come off anon to keep chatting with you if it's okay!

yeah no it's completely fine for it not to be your thing! tbh i think i turned it over in my head for a few weeks before deciding i was comfortable with it so trust me you're all good haha

HMMM yes i definitely agree oh my god. the other gods really and truly got so much more communication than giratina, who was just painted at this primal and chaotic force... but at the same time GF has them capable of enough thought to, uh, come up with this whole plan of giving volo the spooky plate and having him collect all the plates so that it can cross over into our world and challenge arceus? like, pick a side, gamefreak. lol. how giratina got done dirty really did upset me as a long, LONG-time giratina fan (i've adored giratina ever since platinum first came out) not to mention that volo and giratina are supposed to, you know, have the same convictions and the same "heart" (hence cor unum in general) yet giratina is painted as this sorta feral beast not really capable of doing anything except for battling alongside volo... i really, really wish we had gotten more scenes of volo and giratina interacting, and volo speaking to them, and/or them speaking back, because there's no way volo just saw this fuck-all big dragon on the other side of our world and was like ah yes i know exactly what to do now. not to mention his comment about "i was the one to feed you the power you needed to take on arceus" like THEY MAKE IT A THROWAWAY LINE AND IT'S LIKE... WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT!!! did he transfer over his energy at regular intervals to nurse giratina (who likely had nearly given up by this point) back to (emotional, if not physical) health?? why don't we get any scenes of volo exhausted as hell from giving giratina energy and them comforting him?? WHERE ARE THESE SWEET, HUMANE MOMENTS, GAMEFREAK?? but they probably figure that makes him "too sympathetic" or some shit. give me a break. where are the hidden tapes GF i know you have them

jgdhjdg to be fair in NMSF ingo is a little more reserved than you're used to due to being in hisui so long (didn't he seem more quiet to you?? i couldn't get that reserved ingo out of my head. god) but yeah i fucking love the submas twins and i was so excited to include them. i do have another little spinoff type thing that happens after the end of pater peccavi that is of the "ingo is zekrom, emmet is reshiram" variety where tioga and volo comfort the twins (but mostly emmet because he is their "train cutie" meaning they. er. Have Relations occasionally. and dote on him a lot and call him "emmie" lol) but i haven't posted it yet so NMSF and the end of pater peccavi are currently the only bits where the submas come into play... but more later :p

I'M SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED DEUS NOLENS EXITUS god it's one of my proudest works. i fucking loved writing it so much. you hit the damn nail on the head, volo taking everything on to himself and how fucking sad it is, like, you want to let him and tioga and everyone else live in peace, but at the same time it's obvious from how his priestesses react that volo taking it all onto himself is not okay with him, and they would all much rather experience their own suffering than have him take it onto himself... tioga getting their memories back and being upset volo lobotomized them hurt so fucking much to write lmao especially because they are COMPLETELY AWARE that he did it because he loves them, but taking away the part of them that is so invested in protecting him? is something they can't abide. which sucks because volo wants so badly to be able to protect them the way they protect him, because, like, he's in love, and that's just what you do when you're in love... but. augh. anyway

IRONICALLY LATIOS IS ACTUALLY MY FAVORITE OF THE SIBLINGS but also this particular latios would be pokemon heroes's latios's father (the one that died that bianca and lorenzo talk about in the beginning of the movie, the one that movie-latios and latias fly around with in the end) which is solely because heroes!latios's dad is revered as this self-sacrificing hero and i think it would be really fucking funny if, like, he definitely was a hero, no argument there, but also was just like. irritating as hell and had a petty feud with giratina. i dunno i was just like god this would be funny as fuck and serve to be like "hey yeah heroes are heroes and he did a great thing but like he was also a person, and people are flawed, and he had this stupid schoolyard animosity towards giratina" LMAO. still love him. def not going for a "people who do great things don't deserve the accolades because they're people too and they do shitty things", more of a "wouldn't it be fucking hysterical if" sort of thing LOL

OH I DEFINITELY AGREE like it did not ask reikari if they were ok with being sent back in time away from anyone they ever knew, and it didn't f*cking send them back afterwards! what the hell! i'll always be mad about that. and volo is definitely pissed about it too when he finds out. if reikari came to him and was like "do you know why arceus would do this and then. not send me back." volo would be like are you fucking serious? i may not like you but this is completely unsurprising and i'm, like, angry for you. LIKE... literally fucking hate arceus and whenever i see people characterizing volo as if he worships the thing (he does say he "worshiped it as the creator of our world" but it's worth noting he says this in past tense... which is exactly what i, as a formerly religious jew, and now an atheist one for the exact same reasons as volo, would say about my former self), i'm always like. no i don't think you get it. volo doesn't want to meet arceus so that he can be its treasured disciple or anything. he literally canonically says he wants to dethrone it and make a new and better world than the shit one arceus made where people suffer and it does nothing to help. LIKE........ the audacity of people to be all "they'd be best friends :) he'd worship at its feet :)" im like did we play the same game. just asking. HJGHJFCG

(also thank u for the hugs i appreciate it hgjdfg you would not believe how much i see people telling us to "get over" what happened to us n other reprehensible shit like that lol like sure let me get over the repeated attempts at genocide of my people, literally like. multiple per century. and how the god we trusted has like. abandoned us. that's just my opinion of course and i highly respect any jew who is still religious and still trusts hashem but for me i'm fuckin done believing or at the very least he's gonna have to fucking answer for a lot of shit if he does end up existing lol)

oh my god i would LOOOOVE to read that thing :3 make sure u send it when it's ready! if you wouldnt mind hehe. and YEAH OF COURSE omg... tbh we will probably continue this convo over discord considering how fuckin long it's gotten (dw i love it) if you don't mind! but i am like so eager to see this meme now LMAO

[master-sass-blast]

Couples that Game Together, Stay Together.

Summary: It's a dreary, drizzly, early Spring Saturday. One best spent inside. To pass the time, you and Piotr spend your time playing video games.

That's it. Just some pure grade fluff for your weekend. You're welcome.

Pairing(s): Piotr Rasputin x Reader.

Rating: T for strip Wii Sports, nudity, and a suggestive cutaway at the end.

Word Count: 3.7k.

Set after "It's Truly Magical" and before "The Long Awaited Arrival."

Taglist: @marvel-is-perfection, @chromecutie, @super-darkcloudstudent, @girl-obsessed-with-things, @leo-writer, @sadstonewrites

Update Time: I am finally on the roster to get some physical therapy. Hopefully, the center my doctor's referring me to will contact me in the next few weeks, and I'll be able to get started on proper recovery.

However, I'm not working on my shoulder. I can manage/limp my shoulder along with chiropractic treatment, heat, stretching, and rest. In the past month, however, I realized that my chronic, searing, life long back pain is Not Normal and Not A Normal Human Experience (which my parents and I think dates back to the second grade, when I fell out of a hayloft). My back pain is legitimately wrecking my mobility, ability to exercise, ability to sit in fucking chairs (I can sit in only one literal actual chair without being in immense pain, I shit you not). So yeah.

Updates will still probably be slow. But my shoulder can wait. My back can't. I need to have a fucking life.

Thank you all for your patience, understanding, and continued support. It means more than you'll ever know.

I hope you're all doing well and staying safe.

It��s a rainy, early spring Saturday. Snow is still on the ground in patches, mixing with the rain and the exposed earth beneath to create gray, muddy slush. Oppressive, slate-gray clouds blanket the sky, blotting out any possibility of seeing the sun. Even the birds –whom you’d just started hearing again over the past couple days—are nowhere to be seen, likely hunkering down and staying dry.

In short, it’s a dull, dreary day, best spent inside where it’s warm and dry.

You pull a face as you stare out the kitchen window. Yuck. You take a sip from your morning coffee, then look up at Piotr when he ambles up behind you and puts an arm around your shoulder. “Wanna have a video game marathon today?”

Piotr takes one look at the weather, pulls the same disgusted face that you did, and shrugs. “Sure.”

***

After breakfast and doing some minimal hygiene –because Piotr, the most adult-y adult to have ever adulted, insists on keeping some semblance of routine—the two of you hunker down in the family room while debating over which games to play.

“Nyet,” Piotr groans when you hold up Mario Kart for the Wii. “Game is impossible. And you only play because you always win!”

“It’s fun!” you defend yourself –even though he’s not wrong. “What if I promise to go easy on you?”

Piotr snorts and shakes his head. “You would not.”

“Eh, you’re probably right.” You giggle when he rolls his eyes playfully, then pull out the puppy dog eyes and pout at your husband. “Please, baby? Pretty please? It’s so much fun when we play together, and it makes me feel so happy and like you love me…”

Piotr relents with a resigned sigh. “Khorosho. But only for little bit. I am not playing for entire day.”

“Fair enough!” You spring into his lap, peppering his face with kisses. “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

Piotr laughs and hugs you close before patting your thigh. “Alright. Time to begin my massacre.”

***

As per your husband’s predictions, Mario Kart ends only in his slaughter.

Part of it is due to you playing more than him; practice makes perfect, experience is everything, blah blah –that, and you’ve played extensively with Ellie, which has only honed your Mario Kart skills to a scary, probably unfair degree.

(Not that you’ve been able to beat Ellie. The only person who’s managed to do that is Yukio.)

You lap Piotr through several rounds, laughing and mercilessly flinging shells, banana peels, and bombs his way.

The other part of it is due to Piotr’s size –so he claims, anyway. According to him, his hands are too big for the controller, which makes it hard to stay on the track, use items, navigate in general…

“That’s too bad,” you say, feigning sympathy. You cackle when you lap Piotr for the umpteenth time, then fire a red shell straight back at him. “Get good, scrub!”

And then, in the next round, a miracle happens.

Piotr draws nothing but blue shells from the item boxes.

“What the fuck!” you exclaim when Piotr sabotages you for the third time in the first lap. “You dick! Knock it off!”

“‘Get good, scrubs!’” Piotr giggles as his character whizzes past yours.

It’s a nail-biter of a race. Thanks to your skill and ability to stay on the race track, you manage to reclaim your –rightful—spot in first –only for Piotr to get another blue shell and launch it at you.

“This is fucking bullshit,” you grumble as you chase after your husband. “You can’t even drive in a straight line! You don’t deserve to win!”

Piotr merely giggles again –then yelps when you fire three red shells into his side and pass him. “Hey! Get back here!”

“Absolutely not.” You dart and weave along the course, fending off Piotr’s attacks left and right. “You stay away from me –bad touch, bad touch! Stranger danger! Leave me alone!”

Piotr laughs –then lets out a diabolical giggle. “Myshka…”

“No. No!” You let out a howl of dismay when you see the warning for the blue shell flash on your part of the screen. “No! I’m almost at the end! Come on, come on, make it –fucking dammit!”

Piotr whizzes past you, cackling with glee as he claims first place. “Ya vyigral! Pobeda! Spravedlivost'!”

“Fucking bullshit.” You click to move to the next race, then flip through the options until you find Rainbow Road. “Get fucked, dickhead.”

Piotr’s laughter dies. “Nyet –I cannot—”

“Yeah, I know, you’ve never finished one lap around this one because you keep falling off.” You click to start the race, then stick your tongue out at him. “See what happens when you blue shell me?”

Piotr groans, slumping back on the couch. “I think is better if I just… do not race at all.”

You tip your head back and laugh.

***

After your Rainbow Road stunt, Piotr declares a boycott on Mario Kart.

“Something I can play, please,” he begs while you sort through your stash of games once more. “Something that does not give me motion sickness.”

You flip through game cases, trying to find something that your husband will willingly play –and then you perk up and give Piotr a hopeful look. “Fall Guys?”

He groans. “I said ‘something I can play.’”

“You’re great at Fall Guys!”

Piotr arches one eyebrow at you. “I have not won once.”

“Okay, but you consistently get to the third or fourth rounds,” you argue. “You just keep getting dicked on team games. That has nothing to do with your ability.” You scamper over to the couch and straddle Piotr’s lap when he rolls his eyes. “Baby, how about this? I—” you gesture to yourself “—will be your guide. Your personal bodyguard. I will make sure you get to the final round –and, if at any point, it comes down to you or me, I will sacrifice myself for you. Come on, baby,” you coax, giving your husband your most winning smile. “Let’s get you a win!”

Piotr sighs, then relents with a smile. “Alright. Let’s give a try.”

You whoop, then hop off his lap so you can power up the Playstation console.

***

Trying to get Piotr to a finale round feels akin to Sisyphus pushing the damned boulder up the hill.

It’s not that he’s bad at the game; honestly, if anything, he’s pretty damn good at it, considering he’s more patient and less impulsive than you are.

No, the problem is everyone else you’re playing with.

“You fucking pigeon!” you shriek as you watch Piotr’s progress on Slime Climb (you’d already qualified, so now you’re watching your husband while giving out pointers). “Get off the twinkies! Leave my baby alone, you dick!”

Piotr inhales sharply while trying to keep his balance. “Let… go of me… please.”

“You’re going to have to push him off,” you say as you eye the encroaching Pepto-Bismol colored slime. “Otherwise you’re toast.”

“Konechno. And how do I do this?”

“Use the right index trigger button to grab them,” you explain, paraphrasing the details for the sake of your husband’s understanding. “Okay, good. Now push forward on the left thumbstick and release that right trigger button.”

Piotr does as you instruct –and sends the pigeon sailing into the deathly slime.

“Yes! Good job, baby! Alright, get out of there. You’re the last person left, so all you have to do is clear the rest of the obstacles without falling into the slime.”

“Da,” Piotr grumbles as he mashes the controller buttons to navigate his character around the course. “So easy to do. So simple. So very easy.”

“You got this.” You grin as he clears the “Wipe Out” style “pushy blocks,” the spinning hammers, and the doughnut towers that track back and forth. “Alright, baby, nice and easy. Just take your time and you’ll get past the wrecking balls no problem.”

Piotr sticks the tip of his tongue out as he concentrates, taking only a few steps at a time as he slips past each of the brightly colored “wrecking balls”—

And then he’s over the finish line.

“Awesome!” You high five your husband, then pick your controller back up. “Ready for the next round?”

“I think I am ready for new shirt,” Piotr laughs as he uses the fabric of his shirt to fan himself. “I sweat so much.”

You chuckle –then gasp when you see the next round is Egg Scramble. “Ooh, okay. Easy win here. We’re gonna grab as many eggs as we can until the middle’s basically empty, and then we’re going to dick over the team with the least amount of eggs. Got it?”

“That does not seem fair,” Piotr comments, frowning.

“It’s the name of the game, baby.” You pat his arm. “Stick with me, okay? Do whatever I tell you to.”

“This sounds familiar,” Piotr remarks with a teasing smile.

You stick your tongue out at him –and then the round cues up.

Your two’s team –Red—manages to rake in a decent amount of eggs at the start, enough to put you comfortably at first.

“Alright, Blue’s in butt last,” you remark. “Let’s go ruin their days.”

“This feels wrong,” Piotr groans as he follows you over to Blue’s “nest.”

“Yes, but winning is going to feel so right,” you assure him before gasping. “Gold egg! Get that gold egg! The one that looks like it’s been dipped in butter. Yes –yes, baby! Get that egg!” you cheer as Piotr bounces towards the golden egg. “It’s worth five points!”

“I have it!” Piotr whoops when he picks up the golden egg. “What now?”

“Now, we haul ass. Okay, this egg? It’s your baby. You hold onto this egg for dear life,” you instruct Piotr as both of you hop out of Blue’s “nest.” “All you do is get this egg back to our area, and then you hold onto it for the rest of the game like it’s your own child.”

“Khorosho –uh oh. I see Yellows.”

“You run, baby,” you exclaim dramatically. “I will shield you with my body –you fucking hotdog bitch!” You grab a Yellow player in a gold hotdog costume, holding them back when they try to grab Piotr. “Go, honey, go! Get our child to safety!”

“Everyone is in our ‘nest!’” Piotr cries when he hops in.

“It’s okay, we’ve got a lot of our members in here, too. Just keep holding onto that egg!” You let go of the hotdog and charge after him so you can play defense. “We’re still in the lead; all we need to do is survive.”

The clock runs down –and, by the end of it, Red is still in the lead and Blue has a grand total of three points to their name.

You let out a whoop, then lean over and kiss Piotr’s cheek. “Great job, baby!”

He lets out a pleased, soft giggle –then frowns when he sees the next game is Tip Toe. “Oh no.”

“Don’t worry, honey. Just stay with me; I’ll protect you from the assholes.”

The two of you make it through Tip Toe without too many issues —and then you’re at the finale: Fall Mountain.

“Okay, we’re in the front. Good.” You squeeze Piotr’s shoulder reassuringly (and then take a second squeeze to feel up-slash-admire the immense amount of thick muscle he’s got). “All you need to do is get to the top.”

Piotr grimaces. “Easier said than done.”

“You can do this, baby. I’ll hold anyone back that tries to get ahead of you.” You press a hurried kiss against his cheek, then snatch up your controller as the round starts. “You got this.”

Miraculously, the two of you manage to make it up a majority of the mountain without too much trouble. You both send your characters bobbing and weaving to avoid the various flying balls (heh) and the spinning hammers. By the time you pass the second hammer before the crown, it’s just you, Piotr, and a character in the French fries costume.

“I’m grabbing the spuds!” you declare as you dive for the third player. You grab them and hold them back, letting Piotr’s character dart ahead. “Go, baby! Wait for the crown to lower, then jump for it and grab on!”

Piotr’s character scales the final ramp, then jumps—

And the “Game Over” banner flashes across the screen.

“Did you do it? You did it!” You whoop and hop off the couch, doing a victory lap while Piotr’s character does a victory dance on screen. “Holy shit, babe! That was awesome!”

Piotr chuckles, leaning back against the couch. “Spasibo, myshka.”

You bound up behind him and loop your arms around his neck. You kiss his cheek. “How does it feel?”

“Pretty good,” he admits as he turns his head to kiss you properly. “Shall we have lunch?”

“Lunch sounds good,” you agree before kissing him again.

***

After lunch, you let Piotr choose the next game the two of you play. And, like the old man he is, he chooses the basic Wii Sports collection.

You groan and let yourself slide off the couch and onto the floor. “What is it with you and picking the most basic, boring option we have?”

“Is nice!” Piotr defends himself. “Is simple, and peaceful—”

“And basic, and boring, and did I mention boring?” you fire back –though you’re mostly teasing. Mostly. You pick up the cardstock sleeve the game comes in, sticking your nose up as you scan the list of games proffered on the back. “I mean –who in their right mind wants to play golf!”

Piotr crosses his arms over his chest and smirks down at you. “You said I could pick. This is my choice. Besides, you are just complaining because you always lose.”

“That is entirely beside the point,” you argue, flapping your hand dismissively. “And I’m not wrong, at any rate. If we’re playing basic bitch games, we need to raise the stakes.”

“Mhm,” Piotr hums, largely humoring you while he slides the game disk into the Wii console. “And how do you propose we do this, myshka?”

“Strip Wii Sports.” You waggle your eyebrows when your husband chokes and shoots you a scandalized look. “Loser of each round has to take off an article of clothing. First person totally naked loses outright.”

Piotr’s lips quirk into a lusty grin –though his cheeks are still flushed a deep shade of red. “Interesting proposition.” He clears his throat, then raises his eyebrows at you. “And… afterwards?”

“I think we’ll just have to see where the mood takes us,” you reply. You wink at him, then hold out your hand. “Have we reached a consensus, Mr. Rasputin?”

Piotr chuckles and shakes your hand. “I believe we have, Mrs. Rasputin.”

***

Your husband, being the gentleman he is, lets you pick which game you play first.

You, being the competitive jackass you are, pick bowling.

“I should have known,” Piotr laughs when you set your Mii’s controls. “I should have known you would hamstring me from start.”

“All’s fair in love and war.” You bat your eyelashes at him while he sets the controls for his character. “You can just strip down now, if you want.”

Piotr snorts and shakes his head. “Not going to happen, myshka.”

Predictably, the round of bowling ends with a landslide in your favor. Frankly, it’s miraculous that Piotr made it into double digits on the scoreboard.

You mime dusting off your hands while the end credits of the game play out. “Alright, that’s one for me. You can just quit now, if you want.”

Piotr smirks and shakes his head –then strips out of his shirt.

Your mouth runs dry at the sight of all his thick, chiseled musculature. Your gaze rakes over his torso, ogling his beefy pecs, the definition and vascularity on his arms and hands, the sharp line of his obliques—

“One item of clothing removed per stroke over par.”

You blink as your husband’s voice jolts you out of your horny reverie –then let out an indignant squawk when his meaning sets in. “What? Are you shitting me!”

“All is fair in love and war,” Piotr laughs, parroting your earlier statement.

“Fucking –fine. Give me a minute.” You fly upstairs and into yours and Piotr’s bedroom, headed straight for the closet. You put on an extra shirt and one of Piotr’s sweaters, then descend upon both of your respective sock drawers.

You put on as many of your socks as you can manage. You get about ten pairs in before you physically can’t yank the next pair over your feet –which look like swollen, deformed potatoes now—then switch to using Piotr’s socks. Once you feel confident that you have enough of a safety net, you fly back downstairs (because heaven knows you wouldn’t be able to manage walking).

Piotr bursts out into shocked, raucous laughter the moment he sees what you’ve done. He collapses against the couch, gut shaking as he howls with laughter. He gasps, face flushing as he fights for air. “Bozhe ty moi –chto –zachem—”

“Just start the damn game of golf,” you grouse as you plop down on the couch next to him.

“This is cheating!” Piotr manages as he wipes tears of mirth off his face.

“This is completely necessary!” you insist. “Just watch. I’ll go through all these fucking socks before the sixth hole.”

Piotr snorts, then giggles as he shakes his head. “Oh, myshka. You are too much for me sometimes.”

“Yeah, well, you chose to marry me.”

“That I did.” He loops an arm around your shoulders and tugs you close so he can kiss your temple. “Best choice ever.”

You can’t help but grin, then sigh when the golf game starts up and resign yourself to your fate of losing.

***

“You fucking bitch—”

Piotr giggles. “Myshka –just try—”

“No!” you snap as you line up your shot –again. “I’m not gonna pussy out on this, Piotr! I do it the cool way, or not at all!”

Piotr laughs, giggling helplessly as he tips his head back.

You’re on the fifth hole –which is shaped like an angled ‘L,’ which is one of the many bullshits that Wii Sports Golf likes to pull on you. To the side, however, there’s a small patch of playable fairway, which opens up a straight shot all the way to the hole.

The trick is, of course, the patch is miniscule at best.

The other trick is that you have to hit the ball at max power without going over, and –naturally—the controls for the game just aren’t meant for finesse.

“Fuck!” you scream, voice ragged, when your ball bounces out of bounds once more. “Shut the fuck up, you dickhole!” you snap when Piotr starts snickering once more. “This isn’t funny!”

“On contrary,” Piotr manages between giggles. “This is hilarious.”

You flip Piotr off –which only makes him laugh harder—then gasp and pump your fist when the ball finally lands and stays on the patch of fairway. “Oh, yes, you glorious bitch! This game is mine now. Victory is assured!”

“You are seven points behind on this hole alone!” Piotr laughs, incredulous.

“Irrelevant.”

It winds up being relevant, though, when Piotr clears the hole with a birdie (that he chips in, no less, the talented fucker) and you make out with a plus five.

You peel five socks off your hoard, tossing each one at your husband in turn. “Shut the hell up,” you grumble good-naturedly as Piotr laughs. “This is your own damn fault for choosing golf.”

“I have no regrets,” Piotr says, grinning widely.

By the end of the game, you’re out of all your socks –plus Piotr’s sweater—and your husband walks away with a negative score.

“Fucking bullshit,” you grumble, good natured, while Piotr wipes his eyes dry. “Absolutely horseshit. I call rigging. Unfair. Illegal. I demand a mistrial.”

Piotr giggles breathlessly, clutching at his sides. “Bozhe moi –ow. I cannot…”

“Serves you right.” You take his Wii remote –he’d gotten player one on top of all this injustice, the nerve—and click back to the game’s main menu. “You’re going down, motherfucker. Prepare to have your ass handed to you.”

Piotr favors you with an amused smile as you cue up the baseball game. “We have baseball in Russia. You know this, da?”

“Yeah, but did you ever play it?”

“Did you?”

“I still know more about it than you do,” you fire back. “Prepare to be owned, Rasputin. Oh, and getting a home run counts as an extra piece of clothing off.”

Piotr snorts, shaking his head. “Khorosho.”

Granted, you aren’t the best at the baseball game; you can’t throw a good pitch to save your life.

In your favor, though (and what will be much to your husband’s surprise), is that your hitting abilities are marginally better –insomuch that you can only either strike out or hit home runs.

Piotr’s mouth twitches into a frown when you hit a home run right off the bat. He glances towards you, understanding dawning in his sky blue eyes. “How… how much do you play this game?”

“Not much,” you answer as your Mii runs around all the bases. “I like bowling better.”

Piotr nods before peeling off one of his socks –though his wary expression doesn’t waver.

Fortunately, it’s not even a competition. Even with your certified lack of skills, you still outpace Piotr by miles.

He groans when you hit another home run, then strips out of his boxers with a resigned sigh. “You tricked me.”

“Honestly, it was a toss up,” you admit. “If you were able to score at all—”

“Hey!”

“You might’ve beaten me, considering that I strike out a lot and can’t pitch worth a darn.”

Piotr shakes his head –though he’s smiling—and tosses his boxers aside. He turns to face you and spreads his arms, as if to say ‘well, you got me.’ “Do you want to finish game?”

“Nah.” You grin, hit the home button so the game pauses, then hop off the couch and wrap your arms around your husband’s waist. “I’ve got something else in mind, now.”

Piotr grins. His hands smooth down your sides, stopping at your hips. “Shall we take this upstairs, moya lyubov’?”

“I think we shall,” you reply with an equally wide grin. You giggle, delighted, when Piotr lifts you up, and wrap your legs around his waist as he carries you upstairs.

[i-like-sparkly-things]

Beautiful?

A Halstead!Sister

'But they don't know. They don't know what it's like to be you. They didn't know what it was like to wake up everyday, to a body you never asked for.

A body nobody wanted.'

Warnings : eating disorder, body insecurities, body dismorphia

Requested : Yup, by anon , 'could u do a fic where she has an eating disorder? and doesn’t tell jay but then one day she passes out at school and has to tell him?'

Word count : 1.7k

Note : this took too long I don't know why 😭but yall Guess who's thankful that yall bear with my English ? me. :) and ps this is my first request!! And yall please please know that all of you are so freaking beautiful and worth fighting for. Know that you are loved and it is never, ever weak to ask for help.

**************************

The constant pain and sleepless nights were paying off. Your eyes sparkled when you saw your new numbers. It was working.

You took your diary, crossing out breakfast on the to do list after eating a banana.

This was going to be simple. check what you eat, check your weight and repeat . You knew that if you tried really hard, you would be the one in control.

Control. That's all you wanted. Such an easy, yet painful thing.

You looked to the mirror, as your hands hovered over your ribs sticking to the skin . You'd never felt so beautiful in your life. But your eyes roamed down to your thighs. The flesh of your legs were touching. It wasn't enough.

It was never enough.

'' Y/n , come on ! Move your ass! I need to get to work!! '' Jay shouted for you, from downstairs.

'' Shut uppp I'm comingg'', you yelled back.

Ever since your mom had died, dad always kept to himself leading you to stay with your brothers. It had become a routine. Jay  would drop you off at school and Annie's mom would give you a ride home.

Lucky for you , Jay was constantly busy with cases. He hadn't noticed your new diet or the mood swings.

**************************

Your teacher had started the lesson. And slowly you sensed something wrong. Your head was pounding. God why is she so blurry? You look to Anne sitting next to you and she's Blurry too. You felt your body giving up to the swaying ground.

'' y/n!! '' Annie shreiked as your limp body crashed to the floor.

****************************

'' Chuckles!? '' Trudy called out,climbing the stairs to intelligence. "Do I look like a cocktail waitress to you? Where have you been??"

"Morning to you too, sarge" Jay sighed. "and its detective"

" Well , Detective , Y/n fainted at school and wanted you to pick her up"

"What ?" he asked shocked, aldready beginning to pick up his jacket.

"Sarge" he said, looking to Voight for approval, although he would leave nonetheless. "Go."

*****************************

"Mr. Halstead" the school nurse addressed him, as he entered the clinic.

"Call me jay. Y/n, are you okay? what the hell happened?" he asked you worried.

You had never fainted before and apart from the flu every couple of years, you had a clean bill of health, as far as he knew.

"Jay, I promise I'm fine. Just got a little dizzy, that's all" you answered knowing how overprotective he can get. Now all you could hope for was that he would let this slide.

"I tried getting some food in her but she told me she was fine" the nurse explained to Jay.

God No. the the salad she offered you had so many calories.  you had made too much progress nothing was going to stop you especially a simple fainting episode. It was a minor setback but you were sure you could continue your weight loss diet.

" What, WHY? " he questioned, but just  as you were thinking of a better reply " You know what, I'm gonna take her home." he interrupted your thoughts as he spoke to the nurse.

" Only if you are sure, you're good"

" I am Jay. One hundred percent." you replied, happy to skip the rest of the school day.

It's not like you've been paying attention any ways. You'd zone out a lot during class and  your constant hunger and cramps didn't help either. But you drowned these feelings away with small sips of water and occasional slices of cucumbers.

You Craved the Emptiness. the feeling of being lighter. The feeling of being....... perfect. It was intoxicating.

Taking your school bag, Jay wrapped a study arm around your shoulders , guiding you through the school corridors and towards his truck.

"God, I can't wait to go to bed", You said climbing the truck and fastening your seat belt.

"Yeah right. I'm taking you to med" he stated. "WHAT? Jay, what the hell ? I told you, I'm fine!!"

You knew Will was working and didn't want either of your brothers to know about your new diet or how much weight you had lost. It was too late to quit. The disgusting image in the mirror was slowly getting better..... getting thinner, prettier.

"You've never fainted before Y/n, and I promise I'll get Will to run the exams and do all the tests" he assured you.

****************************

"Y/n, I thought I told you I never wanted to see you here again.", Maggie greeted, pointing a finger at you.

"Awwww  but I missed you", you pouted, " No don't do that. your brother's waiting in treatment room 3 so you better get going." she instructed and you dropped your school bag near the nurses station.

You and Jay enter the room, to a very worried Will. "Y/n, what happened?" he asked , gesturing you to sit on the bed.

"did you hit your head when you fell? Did you fall in the bathroom or something like that?", he continued, not giving you time to answer.

"what did the nurses say? are you stressed about school?" " Will-", you interrupted his rambling " I'm fine, just..... got a little dizzy."

You watched , as he took his pen light to your eyes. "Ah! Will, stop!!" You said, trying and failing to refrain him.

"You know, it'll be easier if you stop squirming" Jay commented with a smug smile. "Your not going anywhere"

"Shut up" you groaned.

You need to get out of here. What if they gave you food. What if they found out you were hungry all the time. They'd never stop making fun of you. They'd tell you that you were overreacting and that all this was so unnecessary.

But they didn't know. They didn't know what it was like to be you. They didn't have floppy arms or fleshy thighs. They didn't know what it was like to wake up everyday, to a body you never asked for. A body nobody wanted.

******************************

"Jay" Will called out, seeing him outside your room. It had been a couple of hours since you were bought in.

Will had ordered some tests, being the ass he was.

Wonderful. You just hoped that all the tests would be normal and you could get the hell out of there.

"yeah man? just needed to text Hailey, Why, what's wrong?" Jay asked, studying the worried expression on his brother's face

"It's Y/n. "

***************************

You were fiddling with the hem of your t-shirt when your brother's walked in, staring at you, as if you were a ghost.

"Y/n," Jay croaked out his voice laced with dread, "how long?"

No. No. No. This can't be happening. God, you knew that they were going to hate you forever.

"what the are you talking about?" you needed to try to get them to back away."Is something wrong?"

They were standing on either side of your bed. Jay came closer and sat down on your right the beside your knees, eyes never leaving yours.

"Your tests-" Will started, "They came back showing you have severe deficiencies. That your body is struggling to survive. That it's not getting enough food." he broke away from your gaze.

"We um-" Jay, as if almost on queue, continued."We looked through your school bag and found your diary. "

You sucked in a sharp breath and shook your head. No. He knew. They knew.

All your calorie counts, the amount of calories you can have in a day, your research on diets, workouts, to do lists, hell, even your Period Tracker was written down. (although you barely had it anymore)

That book was the reason you were finally becoming happy with yourself. Your body.

'I'm sorry', you mouthed "I'm so, so sorry" This was it. Your voice hitched, as tears flowed down your cheeks. "I was finally happy"

In an instant, your brothers were by your side.

Jay engulfed you into his chest, your words circling his mind. 'Finally?' God, you lived together! You were his sister! His baby sister! How could he have let this happen to you? How could he not have noticed that you were drowning? That you were starving yourself. What kind of brother was he?

Will rubbed your back, until your sobs became quieter. He was a doctor. A damn doctor! God knows how long this has been going on, but at the end of the day.... he failed. He failed to be there,..... when you needed him.

"Y/n, you don't have to do this. You're beautiful Y/n. You really are. And I'm sorry that anyone else has convinced in otherwise" Jay breathed out, hoping you heard him, in his embrace.

"It felt good, Jay" your voice was muffled by his shirt, but to your brothers, your voice was loud and clear.

"Did it?" You turned to Will, "Did the hunger feel good?" his heart broke saying the words out loud.

'Yes', you wanted to answer. Of course it felt good. You were getting so many compliments from your friends at school. Boys started acknowledging you now.

It was like you finally existed. You felt...... worthy.

But with all the strength you could muster up, you couldn't get the words out. Because there was always one voice that told you to quit. The voice you'd been drowning out for so long. The voice that told you, that you were in fact, beautiful.

Your mother's.

"No" you said, realizing that Will had tears in his eyes as well.

But you couldn't find a hint of shame in them, no matter how much you searched. Instead, you were met with the immense worry and guilt of your brother.

"We can help, Y/n" Will said, as he took your hand in his, "We will help and we'll be there every step of the way."

"Every step" Jay assured and you turned to him. "All you need to do, is let us in"

You weren't prepared for this. You had no idea what to say.

You didn't want to feel tired all the time, always craving for food. But the idea of going back - back to all that shame - that's what scared you.

"Y/n," Will spoke up, seeing as you were struggling to answer, "I promise you, we are going to make you feel better...... and we'll fight those thoughts of yours together."

You took a shaky breath.

Thoughts.

Your thoughts.

You had let them consume you for a long time now. Too long. maybe..... Maybe the right voice to follow, was your mothers'. "okay-" you sobbed, "okay", and once again you found yourself in Jay's arms.

You, clinging to him like your life depended on it and him holding you tight, because it did. His hand rested on your head, tangled with your hair.

Will saw a tear make its way down his brothers cheek, something he hasn't witnessed often.

Your brothers sat silently, listening to you cry. Taking in the conversation, only having a glimpse of the pain you were in.

You had a long, long road ahead but as you sat in your brother arms, you felt a sense of peace, comfort maybe.

******************************

Masterlist

[roodles03]

Hey I have a kinda grim update, last night I was working on that animation thing ive teased and while I was doing it my right wrist decided to give up on me. In other words my right wrist started hurting real bad. I'm strictly right handed, so this interferes with drawing immensely. I wasn't able to get want I wanted done despite me pushing myself to try.

I stopped and put one of my dad's wrist braces on, then ate and went to bed like "I hope this fixes itself in the morning," but no. When I woke up the pain had spread to my fingers and down towards my elbow, and thats what I knew exactly what this was.

Now this HAS happened to me before, serveal times, actually. To both of my wrists, too (not sure why it has happened to my left wrist outside of when I fell directly on it once, lol your guess is as good as mine) Its a certain kind of pain too that I can barely describe. I think it might be nerve pain?? I have no idea. Im only 18 so its not like I'd know chornic pain that well. But this time is one of the nastiest ones ive ever had to deal with. I think it might be carpal tunnel, but I can't say for sure. I'm tired of this happening so I plan to ask a doctor about it, so ill give confirmation when I see one.

Now I don't know why this happened so suddenly, because after my cat died and before my life started getting super busy 2 weeks ago, I was drawing A LOT, pretty much every day, there was one day where I must've spent like 15 nonconsecutive hours and pulled an all nighter just to draw for the picnic comic. I hadn't really drawn all too much in the past 2 weeks due to friends and family visiting, and when I finally get the chance to my wrist decides to die.

My theory is that I'm just rusty and I went back into drawing a little too hard, but that's my only guess. But even then, I didn't even draw that much, I just lined and colored Hunter's body and animated only the eyes and mouth for 6 frames. That was literally it.

Normally when this happens it resolves after a couple days, but I'm very upset because this is my last chance to have a lot a free time to draw for a very long time. I go on my annual trip to New York on June 20th, and don't come back until August 20th, and fall semester of college starts August 22nd or 23rd, (and I have a 5 day week now instead of 4) meaning I won't really have complete free time to draw again until December when winter break starts. It's not like I'll have no time to draw, I ALWAYS find a way, but it's still really upsetting.

I'll just have to try and rest my arm until its better, but I know myself, I'm gonna try drawing too early anyway. I do it every time this happens. So don't be suprised if I end up posting something anyway. Im such a bad art workaholic lmao.

Anyway I'll shut up now. Sorry for chatting your ear off lol.

[coffee-girl23]

Hello, my friend!

Adrian Ivashkov has never been deprived of the attention of the inhabitants of the royal court and not only. I also got safely into his net. This moroi on the verge of insanity intrigued me very much. Part of me really wanted to talk, get to know him. Sometimes I was even going to go up and talk to him, but as soon as I saw him with the next high-ranking vampires, the desire went away, giving way to uncertainty and fear. That day I met him near the place where statues of ancient monarchs once stood. The ones that were blown up with c4 gas. Now there were their plaster casts. Lord Ivashkov was sitting on the ground, big tears were rolling down his cheeks. At first, I couldn't believe my eyes and already wanted to smile at such a high-quality acting, and maybe tease Adrian, but at that moment I realized that everything was sincere. Adrian was really crying. His face was distorted with pain. I quietly approached the moroi and unexpectedly put my arm around his shoulders. The guy froze and looked up at me blearily. "Y/N,, hi. How did you end up here?" "Well, it's not signed here, so I can come to this place." He nodded and sighed heavily. "Are you pining here?" "No, I'm just drinking, actually, as always." "Listen, I understand how much it hurts you. Well, I saw everything, so you don't have to play comedy. You lost an aunt you loved very much, who loved you very much. In addition, do not forget about the influence of the spirit. It's quite normal that you're so sad." He looked up at me with a cloudy gaze and looked into my blue eyes. "I didn't think you understood. Many do not think about what is happening. They just talk about what they don't know." I walked up to Adrian and carefully sat down next to him. "I was often humiliated in Russia. I received insulting shouts in my direction. And all this is only because I was born in a dysfunctional family. And always these "high" personalities talked about my parents worse than they really are. Yes, there was alcohol in their lives. Yes, my father stole. However, they both knew how to love and always protected the weak. These traits, alas, no one noticed." Adrian pulled out a bottle of alcohol from his pocket, unscrewed the lid and handed me a hot drink. I smiled and accepted the bottle. The first sip sent a shiver through my body, and I had to take several deep breaths to swallow too strong cognac. A mischievous smile played on Ivashkov's face. "I've never told anyone this. I don't have any friends." "Why is that?" "I don't know, it's hard for me to trust anyone." Adrian leaned over to me and put his arm around my shoulders. "Don't worry, we'll fix it." I smiled. "I'll try to trust the king of parties." "Then let's start right now"! With visible difficulty, Adrian got up and held out his hand to me. I confidently accepted his offer, stood up, clutching a bottle of cognac to me and looked intrigued at my new friend. "What are we going to do?" "Let's go party and look for friends, of course."

Returning to the guest house a couple of hours later from a party, I felt a little dizzy. Perhaps from the amount of alcohol consumed, perhaps from Adrian walking next to him, all this does not matter. The main thing is that I am joyful and immensely happy. And it seems that it will always be so now

[lepusrufus]

To bargain for immortality pt.6 END

There were little things, really, that ended up putting her doubts and theories to rest. Nicole hadn't been an active person since she was five, so the occasional mild fatigue didn't stand out from her normal routine. The headaches that came and went or the tiredness that accompanied nights when she didn't get enough sleep were simply chucked to her body adjusting to its newfound immortality. Sometimes it takes longer for the Cadou to fully settle in, Esteria had reassured her, talking from personal experience as her own mutation took close to two years to be done changing her body.

All the doubt was wiped from her mind when she woke up one evening, the day after another particularly unpleasant experiment run with Miranda, with a splitting headache. It soon turned downright nauseating and hasty steps took her to the bathroom connected to Cassandra's bedchambers, where she all but doubled over, as much as her position leaning on the sink allowed.

Her initial plan was to simply splash some cold water on her face, but that soon went out the window when her throat and mouth were invaded by the familiar sensation of thick blood coming and pouring out. The white porcelain got stained in dark crimson as her heart seemed to beat painfully against her ribcage, making a small whimper escape blood stained lips. This experience in and of itself was not unfamiliar by now, but her own body apparently taking offence to simply existing was a new and unwelcomed development. An attempt to take a deep breath was made, but that only seemed counterproductive as it sent a stinging ache through her chest, so she settled for holding her breath until the pain subsided. A few shuddering intakes of the oxygen her body seemed to scream for later, the room and her reflection finally seemed to stop spinning.

Her eyes landed on the crimson mess in the sink and she let out an exhausted sigh, but before it could be cleaned, the bathroom door that she had left ajar creaked open.

"Heyy- ooo that looks bad," Daniela's voice came from her side, tone as over the top as always with the grimace that pulled at her features.

"Oh this? What do you mean, just a normal Thursday evening," Nicole replied, voice dripping with sarcasm and hands still shaking on the faucet when she turned on the water.

The other redhead didn't seem phased, presumably being Bela and Cassandra's sister does render one immune to sarcasm. Instead she shrugged and occupied herself with her sister's collection of perfumes that were placed on an adjacent counter.

Nicole gave her a look through the mirror while trying to splash some water on the remaining blood stains. "Did you… need something?"

"Dumbass number one and two are practicing some sword fighting in the garden. Thought you'd like to see," came the reply complete with an eyebrow wiggle that gained her a playful shove.

"Give me a minute to change," Nicole said, finally pushing herself off the sink when the nausea subsided back to a mild headache and her face was free of crimson trails.

As promised, when they entered the back garden that stood between the castle and its extensive vineyard, the faint clinking of metal against metal could be heard. It raised in volume as they made their way to an area where a few logs had been set on the grass, that made perfect sitting spots around what the sisters reclaimed as their small personal arena dedicated to occasional training. The vine covered statues and bushes with colorful leaves made for a pleasant spot to simply spend time in too, her wife currently dressed in light training gear and sword fighting coming as a big bonus to the beautiful surroundings.

The moment Cassandra's eyes landed briefly on her, a characteristic smirk pulled at her lips, their ashy tone left visible from the choice to skip lipstick for the time being. Their sparring match got cut short by a sudden low swipe at Bela's feet, that knocked her off balance and sent her on the trampled grass underfoot.

"Show off," she grumbled at her younger sister when offered a hand to get up. She took it, but continued to glare daggers at Cassandra as she dusted off her pants.

Not that the middle sister noticed, having turned and came up to her wife for a tender good morning kiss. She let the hand not occupied by the sword's handle rest on Nicole's cheek, eyebrows pulling into a frown upon noticing the tired look in emerald eyes.

"Are you feeling well? You look pale."

"Yeah yeah-"

"Oh just some mild gut-puking in the form of blood all over your sink," Daniela interjected, giving a fake innocent shrug when Nicole turned to glare at her. "You might wanna get a maid to clean it up, she did a shit job of it."

"I did not!" Nicole protested.

"You forgot the underside," Daniela hummed. "That was some mad splatter there."

She was rendered mute as the youngest sister moved to the small fence portion that was turned into an impromptu weapon holder to choose something and take Cassandra's place in another sparring match. Her glare was interrupted when she noticed her wife's worried expression.

"It's fine, just a mild headache now," Nicole sighed as she brought a hand up to interlace their fingers and pull Cassandra with her so they could both sit where Laura and Anita were. "Any chance I'm getting another performance? Since I missed the last one," she then said, a sly smile making its way on her lips.

That got Cassandra to grin, fangs glimmering in the early evening's soft light in a way that anyone else would find downright menacing. "Of course," she answered, eyes momentarily moving to her sisters.

It looked like Bela was winning, despite Daniela choosing her preferred twin swords that she wielded with an odd mix of grace and chaos. A slip past her guard and a hit with the ornate hilt of Bela's sword was what it took to put an end to their match, the youngest sister stumbling forward and breaking into a swarm before she had the chance to fully lose balance and fall face first into the dirt. She reappeared in front of the blonde, tongue stuck out and nose scrunched in an annoyed grimace, complete with a middle finger. If the Dimitrescu sisters had one thing in common, it was that all three of them were the world’s biggest sore losers.

"My turn to kick her ass," Cassandra perked up, picking up her well polished gladius.

Daniela, still miffed about her previous loss, didn't offer her the grace of getting into a proper stance. A flash of flies later, the clanking of metal ringed around them as Cassandra pushed her back.

"We said no swarm!" Bela called out from where she had found a seat on the grass, right in front of Laura.

The youngest rolled her eyes but complied, the buzzing completely dying down in favor of quick swipes and blocks. What Cassandra might've lacked in speed, she more than made up for in an impeccable defense, being near impossible to get near her body even with the apparent advantage of having an extra sword. Their fighting came to a standstill soon enough, with Daniela unable to get near while also being too quick to let any major hit land.

"My ladies."

Alexandria's voice called out from the entrance of their little makeshift arena, distracting Daniela enough for her sister to quickly swipe at her feet not unlike she had previously done to Bela.

The Steward flinched for a second when a long frustrated growl was heard from the youngest, but cleared her throat and did her best to keep up her characteristic poker face as she addressed Nicole. "Mother Miranda's assistant is here for you."

Her face fell, annoyance and dread both bubbling in her chest at having her pleasant day cut short not even two hours after waking up. She got up and exchanged goodbyes with the rest of her family while grabbing Cassandra's free hand in a silent demand to see her to the door.

On their way out, she decided that old jeans and a slightly oversized shirt that had survived her high school days was an attire appropriate enough to being tortured. It should've been concerning how at peace she had become with that idea, at least to any person with a sound mind. She never declared her sanity intact though.

"I'll see you later," she told Cassandra once they were at the heavy doors of the castle's main entrance, a thumb slowly tracing her jaw.

Emma was impatiently waiting for her just outside and blame the slight inherent meanness she had learned to let free since becoming a Dimitrescu, but Nicole took immense pleasure from the woman's uncomfortable grimace when she pulled Cassandra down in a deep kiss that went on for ten seconds too long. Small victories in the face of doom.

---

Nicole choked out a sob that walked the fine line between crying and screaming when the knife that looked way too big for the woman's hands came down at her elbow's joint with a gut wrenching crack.

It felt like Miranda had an unbeatable talent to never disappoint when someone thought she had reached the peak of inhumane with her experiments. The poisons were dreadful as was everything before that. The test on how well she can heal bullet wounds from the previous day had been downright cruel, only stopping after the results that showed how only a bullet through the head can incapacitate her for a while. Today's experiment on regenerating limbs was starting to eat away at Nicole's remaining sanity. It obviously started small, with fingers, but Miranda was always so keen on pushing limits.

She turned on her side with the remaining hand pressed to tear filled eyes and nails digging into skin as she desperately tried to find some sort of distraction from the pain and tingling that felt like static in her veins. Her temples were already throbbing with a headache and her vision was spinning due to the nausea. Miranda and Emma were having some sort of conversation to the side, but it felt distant through the deafening ringing in her ears as she put all her effort into not throwing up due to the sheer shock her body was going through.

The amount of time she laid there sobbing completely evaded her, not bothering to keep a mental track nor raising her head towards the clock mounted on the wall. She just wanted the healing to move and get it over with.

By the time she was mentally prepared to stomach the sight, her hand was already stitching together muscles covering the newly reformed bone, together with the beginnings of skin close to the incision. She tried moving her finger and flinched into a whole body cringe at how utterly wrong it felt.

The door creaking open took her attention away from the unsightly muscles twitching as they got placed together and into their places.

"Lord Heisenberg is here," announced a man, donning a white lab uniform not unlike Emma's.

"Just on time," Miranda perked up, a dangerously gleeful look in her eyes.

She got up, leaving the assistant with the job of timing Nicole's healing as she went to greet Karl. It went on for almost another torturous minute before the tell tale click of the timer and Emma noting it down marked that her arm was once again whole.

"How- how long was that?" Nicole asked, tentatively moving her hand. Good as new, with the exact same mobility function and sensitivity. The only thing missing was the beige nail polish applied just the night prior.

"Five minutes and twenty," the woman replied, not looking up from her paper.

Another few minutes of silence passed, that Nicole spent flexing her fingers. A bit of hot rage coursed through her veins when she noticed her ring finger, the matching band she and Cassandra had having been left on the desk upon entering the lab. At least Miranda had the decency of not slicing her hand off with the ring still on it, but she still wanted it back.

It wasn't long before Miranda came back, motioning for her to follow. "Come," she said, waiting for Nicole to push herself off the hospital bed and onto her feet.

A small burst of dizziness later, she was standing and shaky legs were taking her towards the woman. "Can I get my ring back now?" She did her best to keep the edge out of her tone, too tired to face her wrath.

Miranda simply thought for a moment before waving a dismissive hand at her. "Fine, it won't be in the way anymore."

Nicole wasn't sure if that was good or downright horrifying.

Most of the rooms in the underground maze of corridors were unknown to her. The structure twisting and turning in dizzying patterns that were enough to disorient anyone not familiar with the layout. Not to mention the occasional tunnel that stretched for entirely too long that led to one place or the other from the town above.

Nicole found herself following Miranda through one such unknown area, the corridors new to her but the look not dissimilar to every other part of the underground structure. If it weren't for the numbered plaques on the door, she wouldn't even be able to tell this was a different area than the ones she's seen before.

Miranda pushed open a door and led her inside. It was definitely more spacious than the labs and the space was mostly cleared out save from a few tables lining the walls and some cabinets. The only thing at the center was Lord Heisenberg and a long metal table, leather straps fastened to its sides and a circular saw blade attached to a machine above.

Nicole took a couple stumbling steps back, hips hitting the corner of a table and rattling the papers placed on it. It seemed to peeve Miranda, who grabbed her wrist impatiently.

"Come now, we don't have all day," she said while slowly dragging her towards the table.

With every shaky step, her knees felt like jello under her and her ears started to ring anew with the panic and dread settling like ice in her veins. Her legs finally gave way under her and she fell to her knees with a pathetic sob.

"No please. Please I can't," she said, one hand meekly grabbing at the goddess' lab coat.

Miranda bent down on one knee, brows furrowed in the feign concern that only she could have perfected to such an art. "We have to," she started, voice so soft one could easily believe it belonged to someone else. "We must know the limits of your regenerative abilities. You said it yourself that you want to know them."

She had but not like this. Not like this.

"Then use anesthesia. Please just don't-" she choked out a sob before the end of her phrase. Not that it was going anywhere, it was just a pathetic attempt at bargaining for less suffering.

Surprisingly enough, there were few instances since coming to the Village when she felt truly and utterly terrified. Anxious and afraid? Sure. But not even Lady Dimitrescu hiring her, or Cassandra taking an interest in freaking her out or even getting shot made her feel the dread she was feeling then. She would've rather spent eternity on the cold hard stone under her knees than budge an inch.

Miranda pursed her lips and lifted her chin with one hand, expression like a mother hearing her child make an outrageously unattainable request. "You know that will interfere with the results."

"Then local anesthesia," Nicole suggested, holding onto some kind of feeble hope by a thread.

The goddess seemed to actually consider it for a moment before shaking her head. A hundred meek protests and cries fell past Nicole's lips and on deaf ears as she was pulled up by the wrist and back on track towards the metal table. Miranda was incredibly strong despite her rather short stature, so any attempt at pulling back was completely useless.

Once at the room's center, she pushed Nicole against the table, frowning when she refused to get on. With a sigh, she grabbed her chin once again, putting slightly more force in the gesture. Both a warning and witness to her growing impatience.

"If you keep still it's going to be much less painful," she promised, though the validity behind her words were doubtful.

Though there was something in Miranda's tone that almost demanded to be believed without question. It may have been the inherent authority that came with being almost divine, a goddess in all ways that truly mattered. Or something else entirely, common to every piece of the Megamycete's web, down to the finest and farthest roots.

With a barely visible nod, Nicole pushed herself onto the cold surface of the table. It was far taller than she was so Karl had to spend a few good minutes readjusting the leather straps on the sides until they were in the right positions to wrap tightly around her limbs.

"Uh… sorry kiddo," he said in a barely audible whisper as he fastened a strap around her forehead. "Here," he pressed a folded cloth to her lips, that she bit down on to at least try to not crack any teeth.

He seemed almost as much of an unwilling participant as she was, lips pulled into a tight line under the scruffy mustache. The only one seeming rather gleeful there was Miranda.

The leather was digging painfully into her skin, the belts having been tightened slightly too much to prevent movement. Not to mention the uncomfortable position, with her hands tied above her head and starting to feel numb. Her head also seemed beyond foggy, the shallow breaths she was taking doing a poor job of providing her body with oxygen, to which it protested with a heart painfully beating against her ribcage, almost as if the small parasite that nestled around it was taking offence itself.

Another sob shook her body, deafened out by the metal sound of the circular blade when it was turned on. Thankfully it was clean. At least Nicole hoped as much. And sharp. If she was going through this she prayed that she would at least be granted the mercy of a clean cut as opposed to shredding of skin and muscle with everything underneath.

She shut her eyes when Miranda raised her shirt enough to expose her abdomen and, as the saw forcefully came down, screams were muffled both by the cloth in her mouth and the deafening roar of the saw.

---

The feeble knock on heavy ornate doors was answered by the tall woman positioned on guard duty that night. Nicole did not remember her name and at the moment it was the least of her worries.

She took a handful of shaky steps inside before clearing her throat in an attempt to not let her voice waver. "Cassandra?"

"Out hunting with her sisters and the other ladies," the woman answered promptly.

Nicole simply nodded once and made her way into the castle as the heavy thud of the shutting doors echoed around her. Her movements seemed on autopilot, eyes only focused enough to watch her step as she made her way through the familiar path up to her wife's bedroom. She barely registered passing through the first set of corridors, the paintings and priceless decor she had grown accustomed to every day becoming a background blur.

She felt downright dreadful.

Her ears were still ringing slightly and exhaustion made her limbs feel heavy and aching with every step. The headache from earlier was also back in full swing and throbbing painfully at her temples.

A quick look at a golden clock mounted on the wall in the main hall reminded her that it was near dawn so the rest of her family must be on their way home.

She flinched, a small jump that threatened to throw her off balance, at the heavy footsteps that came behind her. Throwing a look over her shoulder she saw none other than Lady Dimitrescu, her mother in law, making her way under the low arch of one of the doors leading into the spacious room. Thin black eyebrows were pulled into a frown at the sight of the much smaller woman, hunched over and all but shivering, with dark circles under her eyes having taken an almost purplish hue and dried tear streaks on pallid cheeks.

"Oh hi," Nicole greeted with a wry smile. "I thought you were out hunting."

Alcina waved a hand dismissively, eyes still focused on every minuscule shake of her shoulders. "Paperwork had to be taken care of."

At the explanation, Nicole let out an oh and shuffled her weight from one foot to the other, unsure of how to politely book it up the stairs and under the mountain of blankets on Cassandra's bed. There was no escape, it seemed, as a large hand came to gingerly rest on her shoulder, leading her further in and towards one of the plush couches lined in front of the barely lit fireplace. "Come sit," she offered, face softening in a gentle motherly smile.

Nicole just nodded absent mindedly, sitting barely on the edge of the white cushions decorated with a beautiful intricate floral pattern. She passed clammy hands on her jeans, now covered in fine powdery ash from the crystallized remains of the discarded half of her body after she retrieved them following the night's experiments. A disgusted grimace pulled at her lips, deciding then and there that the pants had to be burned as soon as possible.

"How did the tests go?" Alcina asked, taking her attention away from the ruined piece of garment and being met with distant eyes.

"Good," Nicole whispered, but before the word could even be fully out of her mouth a sob shook her entire body, coming out accompanied by choked out gasps as she all but doubled over in an attempt to make herself smaller than she already was.

The Lady's eyes widened at the sudden outpouring of emotion, so uncharacteristic for the woman in the few years she had been part of her family. "Oh child," she whispered, hands resting protectively on small shaking shoulders.

"Did-" Nicole started but interrupted herself with another shuddering gasp. "Did she- do the same thing to-... to you?"

Alcina grimaced, expression unseen by the smaller woman currently curled in on herself in her arms. It had been so long since her infection, the pain caused by her body acclimating to the Cadou a distant memory. Something that would forever remain seared in her mind however was the cruel ice in their goddess' eyes as she ran test after dreadful test, pushing the limits of her body to see how much she can actually heal. It had taken months to finally be content with the results, after her body's defensive response had been mutating and turning into the giant hungry beast she kept carefully at bay from that moment on. Instead of answering, Alcina decided that the better option was to rub her back slowly, not unlike she had done to her own daughters countless times before, to bring some comfort.

"You will get through this," she promised, unwavering conviction in her tone.

---

Date: 20th May 2012

Subject: Nicole [REDACTED] Dimitrescu

Mutation experiments - 5 (Regeneration- 4)

Testing the limits of regenerative abilities - regrowing body parts

Subject can regrow limbs (arm, served from elbow - 5'20'') and regenerate after being cut in half. If the body is cut with a 50/50 ratio, the upper half will regrow the lower half, prioritizing brain activity and the Cadou's placement. If the proportions are different in favour of the lower half, the upper one may still be the one taking priority; results vary. Up to 80% of body mass can be regenerated. If more than that is destroyed (eg. dissolved using acid) subject will presumably crystallize and enter a dormant state like others infected with a Cadou.

The discarded body parts crystallize and disintegrate into a stony/ashy mass.

---

Miranda's enthusiasm seemed to slowly dwindle after a few more experiment runs, the same effects John Abbott's mutations that caused his untimely death coming to knock at Nicole's door every so often.

"You see," the goddess had said the last time she had called Nicole down in the underground labs. "John was missing the healing abilities, which led to his infection slowly corroding away at his body until his death. You can heal, so you won't die, but the negative effects are still present. So try not to get hurt too much too often," she finished, not even sparing her a glance.

And that was the last Nicole had seen of Miranda, at least as far as one on one experiments went. The woman would still pay the castle a visit every so often, sitting down with Alcina for a glass of wine and having the rest of the family joining in on occasion, when their discussions didn't stray too far into matters of their cult.

She was right too. There were days when a migraine would rudely wake her up in the morning, or when her chest seemed to ache to the point where she was sure the parasite that made its home around her beating heart was trying to escape. The Cadou truly was a wretched little thing, constantly at odds with her body's defenses and trying to slowly but surely cause damage to the point of death. But if there's one thing that very same parasite had bestowed upon her was just… being really good at not dying. The healing abilities were in a continuous cycle of repairing any and all internal damage the infection may have caused on a not so good day. Those times had her doubling over the nearest sink, or suitable container if unlucky, a waterfall of blood carrying all the damaged tissue that had been replaced flowing from her lips in crimson rivulets.

A cruel fate, one may think. Not her though, for the knowledge of how her family had helped her through the change was at the forefront of her mind each time she had to sit down due to a burst of dizziness. Cassandra rubbing gentle circles on her back while she was coughing up the clogged blood in her throat grounded her beyond belief. Then, when everything was said and done, there was always something to get back to. A short vacation originally meant for business but that Alcina would always prolong for just a couple days so they could all spend some quality time away from the Village and the cult and Miranda's scrutinizing ever watchful eyes. Or the season's first hunting trip, the genuine glee on her wife's face never growing old to her. Even life's more mundane events, like the weekly movie night that had half the family groaning at Esteria's choice of vampire media. Rinse and repeat, forever under the castle's imposing towers and inside ornate inviting rooms, always warm and welcoming, always feeling like home to her.

If that was the price she had to pay for eternity, then so be it.

---

Subject Name: Nicole Dimitrescu

Cadou Affinity: Favorable

Brain Functions: Normal

Subject can regenerate at an incredibly fast rate, although healing slows down with loss of consciousness. Shows a similar mutation to John Abbott; able to detect illnesses by specific smells. The latter mutation causes the Cadou to have adverse reactions, causing internal damage that is however kept at bay with the regenerative abilities.

An unfit vessel for Eva.