#(suicide letter)

[a-dreamersjournal]

16th January 2023, 8:10 PM.

If I can rip my skin off of my bones, I would. If I can shatter, burn myself to ashes right here and now, I would. I don't like that my hands are shaking, that my breath is coming out all ragged, I can't feel my legs, my body, I can't do anything about it. Just take me home please. Somewhere where I'll finally know peace. Please. I'm so sick and tired of this game, this life. I can't, do this. I don't want to. This is so unfair, so unfair. Why, just why again. I'm so numb, I can't do anything about it. I need a safe place to fall, to finally... Let go. Of everything. Everyone. This feels so suffocating. So suffocating. I just want to breathe freely. Or stop breathing at all. I wish I was dead. I wish I took that final step few days ago, why am I being like this to Myself I have no idea. But that's exactly how I feel like. Anyone who loves me wouldn't want me to suffer. So just....i want this suffering to end. How much longer? How much. No. Why again. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It has to be. Please let it all be okay. Who am I even pleading at this point, I don't know.

I want to destroy myself. I don't want to feel this misery and pain anymore. Just. Let it all be over please. I don't even have the courage to end it all myself. Please let me be free. Please. Let me go. Let me go. My legs my arms my mind my lungs my heart my soul every fucking part of me is so tired. They want to give up. I want to give up.

I want to shred myself into pieces. I want to leave. I want to go. Anywhere but here. It's hurting. Its hurting so much. I don't want to cry. I can't cry. I just can't. It feels so....painful. Excruciating pain. Endless. That's all I can feel. That's all I ever feel. This.. I just want-

I don't wanna lose myself again. I'm so so scared. I can't do this anymore and I'm so tired and so scared. So fucking scared. I don't wanna go back, I don't want to lose myself. I can't handle the same pain again. Please. Please I don't wanna lose myself. I don't. I can't do this anymore. I'm so scared, so scared. Shaking of my hand and numbness of my legs is scaring me. It is so... Terrifying. I am scared and in so much pain.

I want to draw blood. My blood. Just to feel that I'm alive. My voice is shaking so bad, the effort it takes to even get a word out is exhausting me so much, making my throat hurt. I feel so helpless.

It's hurting. I Cannot make it.

[roadcarcass]

still august

I hope i either stop self destructing or finally succeed in it, because i can no longer handle this empty feeling that’s eating away at me, when i’m sad, when i’m happy or simply content, always gnawing, digesting me slowly, making me less myself every day.

I’m tired of this person, of feeling heavy and always just about to break down, how long can i hang suspended at this edge until my body gives up. Wish someone would just push me off, at this point it doesn’t even take much anymore.

[casscainmainly]

Cassandra Cain and Asian Stereotypes

So I've seen people debating whether Cass is a racist character or not because she falls into certain Asian stereotypes. While this discussion is valid and important, a lot of the conversation (on this website and beyond) is steered by White/non-Asian people, or people who haven't read a lot of Cass' stuff. This is my take on Cass and Asian stereotypes as a Chinese Cass fan. I do not speak for all Asians, or even all Chinese people, who are absolutely free to disagree with any of these arguments.

Stereotypes I will cover here: Silent Asian, Model Minority, and Hypersexuality.

The Silent Asian Stereotype

The most obvious stereotype Cass runs into is the Silent Asian. I would recommend reading the linked article for more information. Silent Asian characters are Asians who are part of a core cast, but rarely speak. Kimiko Miyashiro in The Boys, Lilly in Pitch Perfect, and Katana in Suicide Squad are all examples of this. The article also mentions Ben from Umbrella Academy, who can only communicate with one character, thus limiting his dialogue.

Why does this happen? Removing Asian characters' dialogue reflects the Western conception of Asians as demure, rule-following, and meek, never speaking up or acting out. It also means writers don't have to spend as much time writing these Asian characters, who are secondary to White protagonists.

The problem with the Silent Asian, then, is not the silence itself, but the consequences of silence. Mute Asians exist, as do Asians who don't speak much; in media, Silent Asians are harmful because they indicate an unwillingness to focus on the Asian character.

This is why Cass, even before she learns to speak longer sentences, is not a Silent Asian. While her conception undoubtedly has unfortunate echoes of this trope, she defies it by being the protagonist of the story. A protagonist cannot be a Silent Asian, because a requirement of the trope is being a secondary character. Cass' feelings and actions are the center of Batgirl (2000), so allegations of this stereotype don't actually make sense.

Furthermore, the trope is about passivity and acquiescence to a White authority. From her introduction, Cass is neither passive nor acquiescent - her origin story is literally about defying David Cain, a White male authority figure. Beyond her not speaking much, she ticks none of the boxes for this stereotype. I think it's time for people to stop mentioning this stereotype in conjunction with Cass, who in every possible way subverts it.

The Model Minority Stereotype

The model minority myth is the belief that Asians are more successful and talented than others, particularly other minoritised groups. Like the Silent Asian, the model minority myth paints Asians as obedient and submissive. This is, in many ways, more insidious than the Silent Asian - there are still people who believe this stereotype (and jokes like 'of course you're good at math, you're Asian') is somehow not racist.

Though this myth seems positive, make no mistake that White people invented this tale for two reasons: to put down Black and Brown communities, and to prevent Asians from ever fully assimilating into White culture.

Cass plays on this myth very interestingly. I've discussed in this post how David Cain and Bruce's assertion that she's 'perfect' is a blatant reference to the model minority myth - by describing her as 'perfect' to them, they are centering their own desires, erasing Cass' individuality.

This is partially why I don't like 'Cass is Bruce's favourite' and 'Cass is an angel who can do no wrong' interpretations when people are just saying it without context. Cass being Bruce's favourite, or Bruce seeing her as an angel, is not a good thing - it is a representation of his biased attitude towards her. He is unable to accept her being a murderer because he is trapped within the model minority mindset. This is not saying Bruce is a full-on racist, but that his actions and perspectives are coloured by his Whiteness.

Cass' abrasive personality, willingness to defy Bruce and David, and very real flaws (her inability to see grey areas, communication difficulties, etc.) make her avoid this stereotype. Additionally, her close relationships with Black characters like Onyx and Duke are essential to combating the anti-Blackness at the core of the model minority myth. Her character evokes the stereotype (perfect martial arts silent fighter), but ultimately defies it through being the star of her own story (and also not being good at math. The fact she doesn't have anything to do with tech is actually one of my favourite aspects of her character, because I am TIRED of tech Asian characters).

The Hypersexual Asian Woman Stereotype

Asian women are often exoticised and fetishised as the ideal sexual partner; think of the term 'yellow fever', which describes men lusting after Asian women. The hypersexualisation of Asian women in media once again goes hand-in-hand with Asians being submissive. They are seen as innocent and child-like, while simultaneously being seductive and sexually experienced.

This stereotype is genuinely perpetuated in Batgirl (2000), mainly by the art in Horrocks' run. Where in Puckett's run there is refreshingly little sexualisation of Cass, once you hit Horrocks' run you get a LOT more shots of her lying down, sexually suggestive covers, etc. People have discussed this already, probably to more effect than I will do here.

However, as I wrote in my Gender and Sexuality posts, the writing is actually fairly defiant of this trope. Cass is vocally uncomfortable with hypersexualisation, and neither of her male love interests stick around. The problem with the Hypersexual Asian Woman is the focus on White sexual interests, where the woman is objectified for the White male gaze. Simply because Cass is the protagonist, the writing focuses on her sexual interests, and in the end it's about gaining control of her gender presentation and sexuality.

Cassandra Cain Vs. Asian Stereotypes

The through-line that connects all these Asian stereotypes is a lack of agency. There's a reason passiveness is the main trait for all of these tropes- the Asian body must be weaker than their White counterparts, in order to be tools or weapons against other minoritised groups.

Cassandra Cain, a character born from a choice that defies White male authority, rises above this passiveness with flying colours. The details of her character certainly fall into some of the above tropes, and the way her character is handled later (evil Cass, New 52), is certainly racist. However, the reason she means so much to me is because at its core, her story is a story of Asian agency. And that in itself is unstereotypical.

[repent-reflection]

[chrliekclly]

[potato-lord-but-not]

Thinking about the letter and the probable water damage/ ink running from it being underwater and oughhhhh :’(

stop I’m gonna start crying

[pink111shit]

[amicus-noctis]

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” ― Carl Gustav Jung

Painting: "Close-up kiss" by Graham Dean 1988

[squiddlysq]

Finished System Collapse the other day & Murderbot has never been more relatable

First image based on this post by @murderbot-moodboard

[dollyswan]

[cryptidlark]

Fitz when Beloved confesses his undying love for him: idk man seems kinda gay :/ have you tried sex with a woman

Fitz whenever he suspects Beloved of having sex with a woman: what the FUCK

[tysleria]

So I'm still salty we don't have canonical malewife Gonja and did a thing

[gavroche-le-moineau]

I'm late with this translation note for today's chapter but it feels really important. The line I want to highlight in Hapgood reads:

“Suicide, that mysterious act of violence against the unknown which may contain, in a measure, the death of the soul, was impossible to Jean Valjean.”

In French the first part of that line is “Le suicide, cette mystérieuse voie de fait sur l’inconnu...”

The expression translated as "act of violence" is "voie de fait," which is specifically the legal term "assault / battery," and can also be more generally an unlawful act.

"Voie" means way/route/road/lane, and "fait" is a fact/event/occurrence (coming from the verb faire = to do or to make). To help understand the literal meaning of the expression, let's look at its counterpart, "Voie de droit," which has a more straightforward translation in English as "legal recourse," i.e. "path of the law." Now if we turn back to the expression that means "assault" or "an unlawful act," it's describing the path of the fact, the event that occurred, the thing that was done.

The unlawful nature of this act is highlighted by the use of this expression, especially in its direct opposition with "the way of the law" (musical, anyone?). It seems particularly important to me that this expression is used to describe a course of action which Javert, who clings to the law above all else, will soon take.

[proselles]

a white haired guy is childhood friends with a dark haired guy who is more righteous and kind than him and the dark-haired guy teaches the white haired guy the meaning of doing the right thing and being nice to others (not killing them) before he goes off somewhere the white-haired guy can’t protect him and subsequently becomes a murderous villain with the goal of creating a perfect world (in part for the white-haired guy), rejecting the very morals that he taught the white-haired guy to embrace.

they reconcile right when the dark haired guy is about to die (the white haired guy is told to do it and has a large part in it). there’s also magical eye fuckery and a very big and significant identity reveal about the living status of the black haired guy that devastates the white-haired guy. they are also forced to kill each other. there is also struggle with identity and loyalty and following rules you dont agree with for the sake of the greater good.

now: kakaobi or satosugu???

[just-a-rand0m-anon]

hfjone ddlc au kind of!

it throws away plot points from both hfjone and ddlc becuase i'm just that cool . it's basically four people trapped in a game in a computer, later on five people. There's no just monika thing either, none of the ddlc characters' personalities are kept sorry

when the hfjone characters are put into the game [they're their regular selves outside of it], they're given their past college/high-school self and personality. it's pretty funny because that means half of the weird ooc thoughts are Why was i so cringe and the other half is LET ME OUT OF HERE

owen being put in mc's role in act 3 was more of a last-minute decision by airy [the "developer"] because his connection with liam fit and airy was trying to make sure the police didn't find out or anything He was a little too late for that though

[yearningaces]

Angst

How do bun people deal with DEATH? How would they mourn, what are their rituals like? What would happen if a family member from nyxs family died?

Follow up

How would he feel about his mate dying?

(I love angst, give me all the angst)

Pain and anguish and death and decay and rot and-

Read the tags folks, I don't want anyone caught off guard even if things are tame and non graphic 👍

Bunny-folks are deeply in tune with nature and earth. I think for them it isn't as mournful as it is for humans. You lay your dead in the earth, bury them deep, cover them with a blanket, and feel comforted knowing they will feed the land that fed them for their lifetime

Nyx is of similar mindset... This is where the issues begin

Humans are loud about how death feels to them. Some are quiet and grieve silently, some are vocal especially if it's not then grieving.

So for Nyx's partner to pass of course he's in agony, his safe space, his love, his incredible mate who made him feel strong and protected and capable of anything and so cherished... Is just gone.

He could take solace in them resting peacefully in the earth, as if in the deepest sleep they so very much deserve for such a life they lived

But humans hardly let one of their own rest even after death.

Because many places have laws for the dead. You can't be buried here, you can't be buried this way, you have to be buried in an approved zone you have to be bound in a box you have to be taken away by a mortician and carved open and analyzed and prepared all alone with no one to protect your body and it's law and Nyx is breaking apart because the last thing he can do is protect what was yours and let you be laid to a gentle peace but instead your body is hoarded and hounded by greed and others deciding what to do with you even though they don't know you-

For the first time Nyx feels almost feral, he wants to bite to kick to scream to fight and sob and wail and mourn he just wants you to be given peace and rest so why won't these damned strangers leave???

He has to be held back actually. Whenever someone eventually comes to take your body for 'approved' handling of a corpse, he has to be held back by his family or even another human at worst because he will fight everyone with everything in him because they can't take you life already left you, death has claimed you and what little of you he can lay to peace is being taken and he's screaming his throat raw until his voice gives out and he's a trembling exhausted slumping form.

You're buried in a cemetery. In a box. No blanket to tuck you in for your final rest, no gentle earth to hold you and express its gratitude for your return to its grasp. You've been buried close to strangers. His family that has become your own is nowhere here.

The cemetery is far colder than the warmth of the forest where the only headstones are the favorite type of trees planted where someone has been laid to rest.

Nyx is in agony. He's lost you, and he's ready to break.

But he can't even find peace in ensuring you've been given the rest you deserve, and for that he wishes he could dig into the cold soil and rest with you, just so you're not alone down there, just so he's not alone up here.

If no one stops him, he very well might.

It's dark so late at night.

The cemetery is cold.

No one is here.

He weeps.

He digs.