#...maybe I'm thinking too much about this fictional man and put too much detail into him and his background story

[elvenbeard]

My adventures in blorbo-modding continue and I finally was able to give Vince his custom top surgery scars how I saw them in my head and how I've drawn them on him so far ;___; They're subtle on purpose, but still visible, with some little imperfections here and there and hhhhhhhhh I'm really looking forward to future VP with his chest visible now ;A; These are literally just some quick pics I took in excitement about getting the look and placement right xDD I might tweak some details in the future, especially when I make him an NPV somehwere down the line but YES! One more thing learned that's gonna be so useful, and one step closer to having him look how he's supposed to :3

A little background lore: he got his top surgery done in 2073, working at Arasaka already at the time. The costs were pretty much covered by his Trauma Team insurance, which had actually been one of the reasons why he originally took the job - not the main reason, but definitely a contributing factor. At the semi-legal car workshop he worked at before it would've taken him years still to be able to afford this. And he wouldn't have been able to get the modern, fancy procedure done he could with the Arasaka paychecks.

It would've resulted in an even more even, less visible result, had he rested his ass a little bit longer during recovery. But still being new, just out of basic training, freshly appointed to Counterintel, he was worried Jenkins or Jenkins' superiors would use his medical leave as an excuse to get him kicked out before he even got in properly... So in some places the sutures didn't heal as well as they could've with more rest, and everything is still somewhat visible 4+ years later. But the result is still so much nicer than anything he could've hoped for before his corpo job.

Also, big shoutout to @pinkyjulien for very patiently walking me through making my own mesh for these, sth I hadn't done before, that made all of this such an easy process in the end :D

[gabessquishytum]

A bit of a turn but this is where my mind's at. I love a bitchy, whiny Dream who puts himself and everyone down the moment he meets them. He doesn't like people or himself or much of anything really. It's all so fake and fictionalized. So to kinda get at that he picks up a job as a near nude waiter at a local strip club. He doesn't bother to attempt to understand why anyone would come here on their lunch break, but the hundreds he finds strapped into his g-string more than make up for it. Besides, the club is damp and dark with nothing but the disco lights illuminating these fuck ugly guys who make up their clientele. It pays for his lifestyle well enough and if he gets fired then he has his trust fund to fall back on. So he really doesn't give a shit about being nice. People seem to like that anyway.

Hob is one of those people. Bouncing for a strip club was one of the last jobs he thought he would ever take, but the money is good. He doesn't need to carry a weapon unlike the numerous other security jobs he's taken before, and the weird hours allow him to keep up with grad school. But he's so close to getting his doctorate that once he submits his dissertation, he's free to take a job teaching somewhere else. He's thinking somewhere warm and sunny.

That also means he's going to be giving his two weeks soon and he has eyes for one of he coworkers. The skinny brunette that bristles from even a fraction of attention. That's the one he wants. It's not like Hob doesn't know him, despite the security staff usually being busy with the guys attempting to grab the dancers, he's had to deal with a few people who got a little too handsy with their waitresses. So he's had to save Dream's ass more than he's had the opportunity to stare at it.

So he buys a bunch of flowers, dresses up in a nice suit and saves a decent bit of pay to come in on his off day. He manages to score Dream's section and he waits. When his crush finally comes around, Hob loses a bit of nerve and fesses up to Dream what he's doing, but sans the detail that it's for him. Dream laughs at him and calls him all sorts of names like simp. Though he finds it kinda adorable how sincere Hob is about confessing to his crush. He takes his break at the table and negs Hob for details relating to his crush. Apparently he's tall, pale, and angled in all the right points. Hob will not shut up about his petty blue eyes or his sharp wit. He conveniently doesn't tell Dream that he's a coworker, which makes Dream so mad! Hob is sitting here, in a strip club, instead of going out to confess his feelings. He shoves Hob out of the club and table before he even gets his drink and demands Hob to finally come clean about his feelings!

Later that night, when his shift is over and he's changing in the dressing room, he's still thinking about Hob. Maybe he's different then all the men who grab at his ass or make lewd comments when he brings out their food. He has been one of the few bouncers who actually do something when he and his coworkers complain. There's someone genuine about him that makes it hard for Dream to want to bully him.

He goes outside for a cigarette, and who should be there but Hob with his bouquet of ruby red poppies (dreams favorite) and a light for him.

- 🤜 Anon

This feels like such a good addition to the picture in my head I'm building of simp!Hob. Particularly if he's able to actually win Dream’s heart! Just imagine how annoyed Dream would be to find that he's got a stupid crush on this ridiculous man. He's muttering to himself in the mirror about how love is fake and the world is shit and nothing matters. And then he thinks about Hob’s eyes and catches himself smiling...

So, when he finds Hob waiting for him, he concedes. He'll allow one date. And Hob is the perfect gentleman, so he takes Dream for a nice meal - maybe they have to go somewhere that opens late, but it's still nice. Hob nudges Dream into ordering pancakes and a milkshake. They talk about Hob’s future teaching job and how kids suck but they can be ok actually.

It's a nice date, but Dream’s cynicism tells him that Hob probably just wants to fuck him. He's just cleverer and more patient than the guys who try to pull him at the club. He's willing to spend a little time before he tries to get Dream into bed. So Dream gets right back to negging Hob about how he's wasted his money because Dream doesn't intend to put out.

But Hob just laughs and says he's way too tired to be thinking about sex. He steals one of Dream’s cigarettes when they go outside, and walks him all the way home while cheerfully talking about how he can't wait to get away from London and shitty weather. Dream is perplexed, annoyed, cringing about how fucking chipper Hob is... but he's also kind of warm and soft inside. Especially when Hob kisses his cheek goodnight.

Dream is actually looking forward to seeing him again. Ugh. And he thinks that maybe he wouldn't mind if Hob touched him? He pictures Hob’s strong sturdy hands wrapping around his waist and his cheeks turn bright red just like poppies.

Well fuck. He's going to have to think hard of some bitchy things to say to Hob, because right now all he can think of is... that he wants Hob to simp over him! The horror!

[angelofverdum]

Station 19 S07e10

19!

I'm overwhelmed by feelings. It's amazing how much fictional characters can make you feel.

My hope and wish for the end of these characters was for them to have a resolution and be happy.

Honestly, I can't complain. Maybe I should wait for the excitement to die to write anything about it.

But I love the ending for every character. I loved how they incorporated these "dreams" into the action scenes.

Andy as Chief is a great resolution for her. Jack being her true love was not something I was expecting. I feel it was something they pulled out at the last minute, and don't get me wrong I'm not opposed to it, Andy and Jack could have worked if they had more seasons and Grey wouldn't have left.

Ross. I'd hoped Natasha had something more in mind than marrying Bob but she is always being "My man My man My man" so it's fitting

Robert. One thing I loved about these flashforwards was that they were connected. Sully dreamed of that because in Ross's dream, they were already married, so he got to be with her.

Travis's most important relationship is with Vic. If I had Vic as a friend, I'd be like that too. Uprooting your life like that to move with your best friend is really brave.

Warren is probably my least favorite character but that's because he is boring but he is a good man. I was emotional watching his kids all grow.

Beckett is so unserious because why is he dreaming of Ross' sister.

Vic. She made me cried because she deserves everything that it's good in life. I'm so so so happy she didn't end up with Theo. She is helping people and living her best life. My beautiful queen.

Carina's dream is so important bc she had no one, her brother and mom died, and her father is trash. She was alone and then met this stubborn firefighter and said I want a big family with her, and that's what she did. Bring her back to Grey's you cowards.

Maya. My sweet beautiful, reckless, bisexual, hot, brave, selfless, stubborn, broken Maya. Her future was so bright without clouds. She falls asleep thinking about her wife and three kids. Maya who made me come back for season 2, and here I am seven seasons later, just a mess of emotion.

When I saw Carina enter that bar, it took me a whole ass minute to realize what they were trying to do. Why Carina was there. I'll never forget that excitement and I'll always be thankful for pairing them.

It's so weird to see that kind of representation. We didn't need coming out stories or the usual homophobia. Also, they were proud bisexuals and I'm always thankful that Maya said that with her whole chest. That was so important.

Now, my random thoughts about the episode.

I love the scene with the aluminum thing. That was cool and terrifying.

I loved it when Andy showed up. I was crying like she rescued me.

Danielle is so bad at screaming, her voice cracked up so much.

I loved Maya worried about Andy

I loved Carina suiting up finally. It was so funny.

I loved that we got to see adult Prue, and my god the legacy she is carrying.

I loved to see Andy as chief and Maya as captain.

I loved Carina doing what she preaches. Like Maya my god make yourself useful and give that woman an orgasm.

I'm not a fan of the Deluca-Bishop name tag because I just don't like hyphenating last names in general but I think it is cute they did that little detail for the fans who have really been asking for it.

Now for the last scene, keep in mind, that I've been crying the whole episode. Then this hit

I just laughed out loud. Omg, those are some terrible wigs. What was the point? What were they trying to achieve? To make them look older?

You should have put some gray hair and move it along. Like why they were having a bob off. Why would you do that to them?

Let me clean my eyes with Maya's real bob and the hottest she looked in the show.

Anyway, I'm always thankful when I get to experience a TV show so deeply. Even tho the cancellation is unfair. At least we got a proper ending.

I'm also glad that we got actors who cared deeply about their characters and respected them so much.

I'm a mess but 19 forever.

[penny-the-pissed-poltergeist]

Hey! Figured I'd send in an ask since you had indicated you wanted some. With the company now defunct, it seems like a good time to reflect on RWBY and examine it more closely. As such, I wanted to ask what are your top three most favourite and least favourite parts of the show? It can be a character, a specific scene, a particular detail, anything you want. More importantly, why do you like/dislike those parts respectively?

things I liked

The Yang and Weiss reunion in VOL.5

"Your MOM kidnapped me! YOU KIDNAPPED HER" is still one of the (intentionally) funnest things in the show. The hug is just really cute and beautiful, I love how the home leitmotif is playing and it's main reason both me and many other people like freezerburn. (even if there is a platonic explanation if you're not a coward)

Ruby's character post VOL. 8

You can tell she's a good character because even when the writing is really bad she's still at least KINDA compelling, I genuinely enjoy her arc in VOL.9 despite how bad it makes her team look, before they stumble at the end at least (I don't blame that on it being rushed, ascension is just that fundamentally bad of a plot point)

even in shit like the JL movies she's still one of the characters I like having on my screen the most, I'm really glad she has officially left her era of barely doing anything important in her own show. she's one of my blorbos now because I relate to the whole not liking yourself thing

The vibes and world

the world of RWBY is such a unique setting, not quite fantasy, not quite sci fi, even a tiny bit superhero. No one else in fiction who looks and fights exactly like Ruby Rose or Weiss Schee or Pyrrha Nikos. The world felt so unique especially in the OG trailers

bonus round: Penny

OH MY GOD I LOVER HER SO MUCH AUTISTIC QUEEN HXHXAJHSA (that's it that's the whole entry)

Things I really didn't like

Jaune Arc

You know all that stuff I said about how unique the setting and character's are, yeah like ignore all of that. here's a generic white guy swordsman with a regular sword and shield who's is incompetent and has no powers in first 3 volumes and only exists to make unfunny jokes and get explained at by a character who's 5x more interesting than him, he's only here because they couldn't find a way to naturally drop exposition even though they literally in a school. He might as well have dropped in here from the real world after getting hit by a truck.

Then his (almost) GF dies and he's the only one allowed to morn her except Ruby like once, and then Jaune is given so much important screen time that he feels more like the main character then Ruby ever did and becomes a bully because angst. he finally becomes a character I can enjoy in VOL.7 and most of 8, before he kills Penny and my faith in his character along with it, he immediately gets like 5 other things to get traumatized by in the ever after and gets explained OFF SCREEN so you don't even get conflict from it. god that wasn't even everything, I'll stop now.

The white fang (or Fannus in general)

You can point out literally anything to do with this subplot and it would be offensive in some way. From animal people being race allegory by itself being sketchy at best to even Blake's mom's name being a slur in some contexts. People still try do defend it even though the WRITERS THEMSELVES admitting it was bad.

I think we should just stop trying to make truly divergent species direct race allegories, it's never worked

that one "Maybe you lost some brain cells along with that arm" scene

started with a good Yang scene, ending on a bad one. Oobleck is here (YIPPY) and Port too (god damn it) and they are joking about how funny that one time they put Qrow in a dress was because man in dress funny (ugh). So Yang gets some mediocre advice and gets insulted by the "maybe you lost some brain cells along with that arm" line and finds it funny. yes disabled people are allowed to make jokes about their own disability but there's a big difference between that and able bodied writers having an able bodied character make a joke at a disabled character's expense and saying the disabled person is fine with it. maybe I should be happy that they cut down on Yang's recovery arc if we were gonna get more of this, no matter how stupid that was.

Bonus: Coco

They really based one of their few gay characters on an IRL nazi and then made her predatory and sadistic in the not fun way...

[voidnoidoid]

Thoughts on Weak Hero's Ending

Weak Hero ended a few weeks ago, and I took some time to process the ending after I read it. Overall, I think it was a great ending to such a wonderfully written series.

I like how things were mostly wrapped up, but left as an open ending. I appreciate how the Union, although mostly defunct, is being kept somewhat alive by Kingsley, who can't accept that Donald is truly gone and that the Union is over. I might write a more detailed Kingsley analysis, but it's interesting how Kingsley, as Donald's right hand man, never fully understood Donald. He placed him on a pedestal and deified him. He did care about him, the most out of everyone, but it is still sad how he got so caught up in making Donald king that he failed to recognise how Donald's rapid ascension and ceaseless violence was a cry for help.

Jake being the one to recognise Donald's true feelings is rather apt. I haven't thought much about his character (as is not fully analysed) but I think he's much more complex than he lets on. He's in a similar situation to both Ben and Donald I think, that being both Ben and Jake are the leaders of their schools, they just want to hang out with their friends and have fun, both shoulder the burden of being the strongest of their schools alone... It's just that Jake has a darkness within him that led him to join the Union. He has an inner bloodlust, one that he recognises in Gray. Jake is very perceptive of others emotional state, so it's no wonder he could correctly guess how Donald was feeling, given that he's one of Donald's most reliable officers.

I'll have to update my Donald analysis soon, because of the revelation that Donald willingly put himself in danger, running in the road screaming for Gray to fight him again. I think on one hand, Donald wanted that connection he felt with Gray again, as well as desiring gray to defeat him. But also I think he felt like death was the only escape left, hence the panel where he had a resigned and accepting expression as the truck neared him. As if he was waiting for his end.

I'm sure the Union will dissolve soon despite Kingsley's efforts. Wolf and Jake have left, and maybe Forrest and Jimmy too. I also like how Jimmy's character arc closed off, with him admitting that all he wanted was to be acknowledged by Donald.

Now then, let's go over to the Eunjang kids!

Although they lost the fight, they won the war. Losing meant they didn't have to bear the burden of being the strongest. Though they may face some fights in the future due to the resulting power gap left in Donald's wake. But that's a story for another time.

Eugene woke up and is happy and well! I really love how despite Eugene thinking he didn't contribute much to the fight, all his friends comforted him and reassured him of his major role thanks to his light controlling device! Yay Eugene appreciation!

Unfortunately Gray was deeply affected by Donald's death and entered a spiral of self guilt... the scene with his reflection mocking him hurt to read. Thankfully his friends were by his side to ground him. Gray really does have a kind heart after all.

Finally, Stephen and Gray meet again! I like the reintroduction of Jeremy, and that he remains a good friend of Gray by telling him Stephen is okay! His reactions to Gray being the White Mamba was so funny to read. I can't express how happy I was to see that not only was Stephen still alive, also that he's all better and working part time at a cafe! Gray's monologue at the end was so touching, and im glad he was able to greet his most treasured friend with a big smile.

I really wanted a Stephen and gray epilogue where they interact, but I do like the happy open ending. I think Stephen would be so happy for Gray and he'd fit right in with the eunjang kids! I guess that's what fan fiction is for lol. (sorry for the lack of weaktober writing... ill try to write something.)

I kinda wish some side characters had more cameos, like Toby, Lily and Julia, but their arcs were wrapped up relatively well too.

That sums up my overall thoughts on Weak Hero's conclusion!

Thank you to Seopass and Razen for creating a wonderful story!

[asha-mage]

Tagged by: @gunkreads (thanky!)

1) Last book I read:

The Scottish Boy by Alex de Campi. I really really love me some historical fiction that digs into the actual political complexities and realities of the feudal system. Defiantly one of the spicier books I've read recently, which made it fun to listen to when I was doing mundane activities like shopping. The audio book narrator is absolutely stellar though, and I would recommend to anyone who likes feudal politics.

2) A book I recommend:

The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune has become my Swiss army recommendation: a light contemporary fantasy, full of warm vibes and a sweet story at it's heart. It's still got teeth for tackling social issues- beneath the sweetness it is primarily a criticism of our Foster/education systems and how they fail the most vulnerable. I seem to recall that one of the praise quotes floated on this one a lot is 'feels like being wrapped up in a big fluffy gay blanket' and concur.

3) A book that I couldn’t put down:

In Other Lands by Sarah Reese Brenan. A Narina pastiche about a annoying know it all who gets taken too a fantasy other world. It's incredibly funny and compelling and weird, and I couldn't stop reading it. Brenan is a master at making her characters both three dimensional and frustrating and so easy to love, and while I wish I knew more of the exact details of her world- she engages with the ideas and conflicts she sets up in a such multifaceted way that I don't really think I mind the lack of a map, or timeline, or political flowchart.

4) A book I’ve read twice (or more)

Eye of the World by Robert Jordan. I've lost count of how many times I've read it exactly- more then thirty and at least once every few years since I first read it. This one is a core memory for me, or maybe a load baring pillar of my personality.

5) A book on my TBR

Oh man. A lot. Like. A lot a lot. But I really am hoping to get to Ocean's Echo by Evrina Maxwell this year. I adored Winter's Orbit so much, but Ocean's Echo has just been sitting on my nightstand, waiting.

6) A book I’ve put down

I really tried with Dark Rise by C.S. Pacat. I just couldn't get into and I don't know why. I may swing back to it when I find the time. It feels like I would like it a lot if I could get far enough in.

7) A book on my wish list

Lava Red Feather Blue by Molly Ringle. It seems very up my alley.

8) A favourite book from childhood

I've always had as soft spot for the Artemis Fowl books. I fell off them in a way I didn't with the likes of Percy Jackson and I wonder if I would feel the same way if I circled back around to them now- probably not but they'll always have a special place for being the books to introduce me to the heist genre and predispose me to liking things like Ocean's 8 and Leverage.

9) A book you would give a friend

As a gift? It would depend on the friend. A Psalm for the Wildbuilt by Becky Chambers probably- since it's short sweet and pretty impossible to hate imo. I have problems with Becky Chambers's brand of....warm cynicism? Their is an undercurrent to a lot of her works that boils down to 'humanity is screwed already short of some kind extra-human intervention', especially her Wayfareres series. I feel like Wildbuilt is one of her books that engages with that idea in a more thoughtful and interesting manner. It has some of the most thoughtful and interesting conversations about humanity and nature that I've run across in a long time, and it's short which is always a plus for a gift book.

10) The most books you own by a single author

Robert Jordan baby, at a cool 11 (or 14 depending on how you count the last three). I adore Jordan's Wheel of Time series more then I can put into adequate words. Core memory. Load bearing pillar. Canon event. Etc etc.

11) A nonfiction book you own

Not many. I'm not a big nonfiction reader to be honest. I think I have a copy of the Sawbones book, by Dr McElroy hanging around somewhere.

12) what are you currently reading

I'm currently revisiting the Percy Jackson series. I intend to probably take a tour through the whole thing- the original five, HOO, Magnus Chase, Trials of Apollo, etc etc. Partly it's a desire to watch the show but also a desire too reexamine my relationship to these works. I read them while I was in their target audience, and while not as foundation for me as WoT, I would say their still pretty important.

13) what are you planning on reading next?

I think I want to try and give Heaven's Official Blessing another go. It's the only MXTX work I've bounced off of, which is weird since I'm pretty sure consensus is that it's her best work. I've been meaning to get back to it for a while. If still bounce off it, I'll try something off TBR- either Ocean's Echo or Lava Red Feather Blue.

Tagging: @highladyluck @veliseraptor @ace-and-ranty

[thoughtsby]

You Belie

The respect you chase

When You Be Lie

U-Me vs

with a quickness lose face

Mocking our Us

No surprise no more grace

We both had a pass

And for you i lit up the town

While you lied on the daily

About fuckin these clowns

Goddamn. That's her dad

There go Marcus' face

beLie five more times

All the trust

zero trace

Her choices all seem

Not stacked with tens, but fives

She doesn't quite feel

That we're both still alive

Fuckin stall?

Zero game

Minor league

Zero shame

In and out like a boy

7 minutes he came

Whatchou gonna do with the next 53?

Good question

Like clockwork, she starts looking for me

Bout to call me daddy

But i get a b p

Not the oil, not the dad

Poems talking bout me

But just as I feared

She's shifts all of the blame

into three higher gears

Buying time I suppose

Till her fiction appears

Dodging again

The ironic-est twist

Of detail left out

Adding bitch to my list

For each one of my calls

The others have six

They're omissions not lies

She doesn't think much

Again she dons the guise, disrespecting

The man that I am

She won't even try

Tho my back is up straight

And my head is held high

Realizing too late

That she drowned me with lies

So many days

i put your needs before mine

Your complacency framing

My low self esteem

Once secure in its place

I forgot I was dope

Till all of your friends

Reached out to help cope

And as good as that feels,

You'll need to arm yourself

Rip off your pants,

imma fuck your sister,

your mom

And even your aunts.

So get your ducks in a row,

And name the lead Plot

Jump them over the holes

Omissions and Nots

The thing I need most

Is to back me up G

Forget about He

Cuz it's all about me,

No way you don't see

The lie to yourself

Pussy on notice

And false perceived wealth,

That i never meant much

A year or three late

it was really just you

Spreading lies and the hate

Set flame to our pattern

Did I rank below Lou?

Or noch, Mike, and Josh?

It was more than a few

Fake stay in your lane

Inflict maximum pain

Scurry home to the desert

Prognosis the same

So fuckin lame

Wasting time

playing games

You throw us away

Every day that you say

Secrets no more

Now you're basically gay?

Except that's a lie,

Finger banged by some guy

Or bareback five strangers

Let concern for me fly

My safety, my health, my kids,

You don't try

But I see you now

I see through your guise

And I'm wanting to grow

Tho call me your man

While he's sharing your sheets

In the fire from pan

Come crying to me

From a 9 to a 2

Motherfucker he can't conjugate

No one's sorry for you

-----

If i follow again,

You're the last of your kind

Fit Benny on doubt

Cuz I'm outta my mind

And partially blind

The advantage got taken

Am I a sucker?

Or kind?

Just spread super thin

So confused

Where you been?

You'll live in my house

Buy some clothes,

Buy some shoes

Buy a phone

With fuck yous

All neatly included for free

At no cost

If you ignore the few months

I was totally lost

I'm a man not a mouse

I brought you here, sure,

But your logic is flawed

Nobody keeps a ride score

But If they did and saw you

They'd say you were trash,

And I'd correct them

For you.

But they're right, in fact

When you act like you do

So no crutch for me

I wrote this poem for you

Like warm sidewalk gum that'll stick to your shoe

Turn your black

Into blue

Till you find someone new

And by lunch there's no doubt

You'll have at least two,

Command no respect

Till my unseen support

Sends a pattern in short

While your 4 outta 10 starts to court

I'm sick to my stomach

Once again you're a ghost

Walking with trash

Strange gets all your most

You'll tell a few lies

Maybe work in a toast

At my expense sure

You'll have your own roast

So...

Fresh after your mention

Of your elsewhere-dick-session

I'm a glutton you'll find

For stories that kill

This one is the Besst

But I've had just my fill

I won't even know

Seed dried on your chest

You'll kiss me so hard

And say I'm the best

You'll grab a fresh shard

And in caves my chest

But when i find out,

And I always do, Boo

Cuz all of your friends

Like me better than you

Well... shit,

I just might

Turn the tide

In one night

Hit em all

With one ball

Say goodbye

And don't call

Have you wondering out loud

How YOU had the gall

Your loyalty

Matched

stature

Impossibly small

[dattebae]

The middle ground (Ch.5)

CHAPTERS: [ 1 ] , [ 2 ], [ 3 ], [ 4 ], [ 5 ], [ Finale]

COMPLETE WORK AT AO3: HERE.

Pairing: Sixty/Female Reader

Word count: 10.010 ( this one turned out way longer than I intended it to be. I apologize! )

Rating: Explicit ( 18+ )

Warnings: Graphic description of substance abuse, slight NSFW, psychological horror, the angstiest chapter yet, and I'm pretty sure I'll get arrested for inflicting so much pain on fictional characters. Please be careful if you're sensitive to needles or themes relating to drug use.

Note: This story will end on a happy note, I promise. <3

Sixty knew that something was awfully wrong, but surprisingly, it had nothing to do with him sitting at a familiar table floating in a void with his older brother. No, it was the devious look in those eyes across from him that ticked him off. Connor looked so pleased when he didn’t have a reason to be, and that itself put him on edge. His smile was bordering on a sneer that made Sixty’s skin crawl in all the fucked up ways possible. 

“ Am I getting under your skin, Colin? ” Connor asked.

Sixty had a firm grip on the armrest on his chair, jaw tight and eyes hard. He’d wanted to throw himself across the table and beat Connor to a bloody pulp for a while now, but his arms and legs were stuck to the chair through an odd, magnetic force. It meant something, but Sixty was too furious to think about it. 

Connor didn’t seem to have the same problem. His posture was relaxed against his chair, and his legs were spread comfortably: like this was his world and Sixty was just simply living in it. He exceeded a form of arrogance that looked far too foreign on him, and Sixty didn’t appreciate it. Not one bit. 

“ Free me. ” Sixty demanded.

There was no physical proof that Connor was the one restraining him, but Sixty could practically feel the force in the cruel eyes before him. It wouldn’t surprise him if the void and the darkness was his doing, too. Connor’s smile widened a fraction, and for a brief second, Sixty wondered if his brother could read his thoughts.

“ Free? When have you ever been free here? ”

Sixty’s eyes hardened. There were things about his surroundings and about his brother that just didn’t make sense, but oddly enough, it all felt insignificant. The twisted laws of physics were merely a piece of a bigger puzzle, and somehow, something told him the answer was buried somewhere deep inside the man before him. Sixty felt an itch in his fingertips and gums: like he wanted to bite and rip Connor apart to get to it.

“ I said free me!  ” he growled.

His fingers were digging into the armrests, but Connor didn’t look impressed by his anger.

“ You’ve somehow managed to forget your place, Colin. ” Despite the threat in those words, Connor was calm and collected.  “ I intend to rectify that. ”

This felt familiar. Something about Connor looking confident and calm across a table felt like a memory: one that was warped in the depths of Sixty’s own anger and insecurities. His reflection led to a brief pause, and Sixty watched as Connor slowly tilted his head to the side and narrowed his eyes at him. Shit. 

Maybe he could read his thoughts.

 “ I’ve noticed that you’ve been resisting my demands lately. ”

Sixty’s felt a flip and twist inside the pit of his stomach. It pulsed over his body and made a home inside the ventricles of his heart. For the first time, his eyes wandered around the darkness around them, and somewhere far away he heard muffled noises: rattling chains, familiar voices…an odd screech.

Something definitely didn’t like his little exploration, because the restraints tightened around him and forced Sixty’s attention back to the man before him. He knew he was supposed to be at the restaurant, but somehow his mind couldn’t remember the details: only Connor’s torturous presence before him. 

And then something caught his eye.

A pair of hands slowly emerged from the darkness behind Connor and settled on his shoulders. He recognized them immediately.

He’d recognize any part of you, anywhere. 

“ It has really upset me, Colin. ” Connor’s voice had turned dangerously low.

Deep inside, Sixty knew those words meant something more, but he couldn’t focus on anything when more of you slipped out from the darkness before him. Worst of all? You weren’t paying him any mind, as if he wasn’t there at all. Connor almost made up for it, though. He’d set an unsettling amount of focus on Sixty before him with an amusement that only grew at each sign of dread and fear pulsing through his brother’s body. 

The dread and anxiety that filled him was almost unbearable, but even though Sixty knew watching you would hurt him, he couldn’t stop. His body was shaking, eyes wide with confusion and hurt as they watched you drag your tongue down the side of Connor’s throat with a low, pleased hum. 

He instantly jerked against the restraints like you’d burned him.

“ No! ” he gasped, and the rattling of chains echoed around them.

Sixty hadn’t paid enough mind to notice when Connor’s smile vanished, but some part of him knew it was bad: really, really bad. It didn’t make sense that he knew, but it was enough to cause Sixty to fight and claw against the chair even more. 

“ Connor- ” 

Maybe it was his own fault for not looking away. Maybe all of this was happening because of him, but Sixty couldn’t stop it no matter how hard he tried. He glared at his brother through tears gathering in his eyes, fighting and jerking against those fucking restraints when Connor roughly bent you over the table before him. 

“ STOP IT! ” he screamed.

When have you ever been free here? 

Something about the dullness in your eyes, and the lack of focus in them sliced Sixty’s heart open. Connor was calmly pushing your dress up to your waist with one hand, and the other soon found home in the back of your neck, pressing you down. The table creaked.

“ Connor! Connor don’t–  ” He was still fighting to break free, but his cries weren’t of anger anymore: they were of pure desperation. Connor reached for his belt, and Sixty shut his eyes so tightly they hurt. At that moment, he hoped and prayed that Connor could read his thoughts:

Not her. 

I’m begging you.

Anything but her.

“ You shouldn’t have challenged me. ” Connor hissed.

A fist of your hair was gathered in his hand, and a whimper slipped past your lips when Connor pulled your head back with a sharp tug. When Sixty’s teary eyes met yours again, Connor decided to use that moment to push himself inside of you with one, hard thrust.

“ NO! ” Sixty cried, jerking against the restraints.

You moaned, panting and arching your back while Connor set a harsh, brisk pace. Sixty was hyperventilating. His heart was pounding in his ears and his body was burning under the strain of trying to break free. He shut his eyes again, but somehow it only made your moans sound louder and louder in his ears. Throughout his life, he’d been unfortunate enough to experience all sorts of pain and suffering: but this? This one cut him so deeply that nothing else could ever compare. Connor had everything he’d ever wanted: Hank’s love, Nines’ respect and Suki’s affection. And now? Now he’d taken you from him, too.

The sounds from those odd chains were gradually becoming louder, and the table began to shake from the vibrations caused by them. 

“ You can’t escape me. ” Connor hissed, but Sixty noticed that it wasn’t his voice anymore. It echoed with that odd screech: distorting into something inhuman and terrifying.

Sixty screamed, and a white crack spider-webbed through the darkness from the force. He opened his eyes, and before he could find the light, his attention was caught by Connor’s deforming body across the table. The sharp edge of a bug-like leg slashed out from his sides, and Sixty’s eyes widened with horror as more grew out. 

Another.

And then another.

Connor was slowly but surely growing and transforming into a large, terrifying creature looming over him.

An insect.

A parasite. 

It let out a loud and angry screech, and when it dove down to tear him apart with its teeth, Sixty screamed from the top of his lungs.

His voice shattered the sky, and then he was swallowed by light.

***

Focus on my voice, Colin!

Focus on me!

Nines’ voice was subdued and far away, but somehow it managed to pull him out of the blinding light. Sixty felt a heavy weight pressing against his arms and legs, and when the sound of water from the shower faded into his ears, his eyes found the lights from the ceiling, too. He was still screaming and crying while Nines fought to hold his body down, and judging by the soreness Sixty felt in his limbs, it was becoming clear that he’d been fighting for a good while. Nines was breathing hard. His hair and clothes were completely soaked in the freezing water falling over the two of them in your shower.

Your shower.

You.

“ Colin! Get a grip! ”

Sixty tried to call your name, but his throat was so sore from screaming, your name only came out as a broken sound. As minutes passed, his naked, freezing body was turning more and more compliant under Nines’ heavy weight, and when he finally stopped fighting, Nines slowly moved back from him, struggling to catch his own breath. For a long moment, things were still, and then Nines turned the water off.

“ I’m sorry you had to see this. ” he said to you.

Your legs had given out a long time ago, and you’d braced yourself by sitting on the lidded toilet with your head in your hands while Nines had fought to keep Sixty’s spasming body under control. There was nothing you could say, so you simply sat there in your night robe as droplets of tears fell down your face. Sixty’s voice was even weaker and more worn out when he called your name again, but you turned your head away from him: unable to bear the sight of him.

“ Colin, look at me. ” Nines gripped his jaw, forcing his attention back to him. Sixty groaned, crying while he weakly tried to free his head out of Nines’ grip. He couldn’t concentrate on anything but the pain inside his chest: the pain of seeing you so disappointed and shaken up because of him. 

Did you hate him? Had he finally fucked up to a point where he’d lost you forever?

“ Who sold you the drug? What’s in it? ” Nines pressed. Sixty knew why Nines wanted to know. Even if Nines and Connor wanted to get it off the streets as soon as possible, Sixty had no interest in helping them. He didn’t care about anything but the damage he’d caused between the two of you.

“ Get off me…” Sixty sobbed, trying to get out of his grip again. Nines didn’t let him go. 

“ I can’t do that. You give me no choice. ”

“ No! No, please, Nines. I can’t. ” Sixty cried, gripping his brother’s wrists. He knew exactly what that meant.

There was a long pause, and then Nines let out a defeated sigh. He slowly turned to look at you over his shoulder:

“ You might want to wait outside… ”

“  Nines. Please. ” Sixty sobbed.

It took you a while before you managed to get up on your feet again, and Sixty watched you while he fought to control his rapid breaths. Your hands were shaking at your sides, and your eyes and nose were red from crying. He wanted you to stay. He wanted to explain and apologize and beg you not to leave him despite how much he knew he’d fucked up, but he couldn’t speak. Your mouth parted, and right before any words slipped past your lips, you clamped them shut again. 

And then you walked out of the bathroom.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Sixty was about to call out to you and stop you from leaving, but his words were interrupted when Nines’ grip tightened on his jaw and two fingers were shoved down his throat. He choked on them, fighting to push Nines off, but his brother only held him tighter.

“ Come on, Colin. Get it out.  ”

It didn’t take much after that. 

The moment he started to vomit, it seemed like he couldn’t stop. 

Despite the agony of it, it felt oddly satisfying to get everything out of his system. There were so many rotten feelings that’d gathered inside him during that dinner, and Sixty had only numbed them with drugs. His grief, pain and jealousy had infected his soul and made him a sick, horrible person. Even though he knew that vomiting didn’t clear his blood, he wished that it could’ve. That odd drug had put him through a nightmare he’d never forget, and some part of him feared that the creature from his nightmare would come back to haunt him again.

When have you ever been free here?

There. Inside himself, there was nothing but him and that parasite. It had been angry at him for hesitating back at the stalls. It had been livid at his conscience for considering you as a reason to stop. It was a strange thing to him. Sixty had never been scared of drugs, or seen his own addiction as a problem. It had always been a tool to help him bury the grief, jealousy and pain. But now he saw it all from a new point of view. The drugs made him bad for you. 

The drugs took you away from him. 

***

It had been eight days since that awful night, and Nines had guarded him like a fucking hound back at the apartment. Maybe the horrible detox he was forced to endure would’ve been less torturous if you’d answered his calls or replied to his texts, but you hadn’t and you still weren’t. Sixty was in a fetus position on the floor in his bedroom. His whole body was shaking violently and even though he was sweating and having an alarmingly high fever, he still felt a cold deep inside his bones. Detoxing was a bitch, and every second of it was a torture Sixty never planned on enduring. The only distraction he had was the memories he had of you. Fuck, he missed holding you in his arms while you were sleeping. He missed your scent and the feeling of your soft skin against his own while you nuzzled closer to him. 

Sixty pulled his shaky arms closer to his chest, and for a moment, he pretended you were there in his arms. When he closed his eyes, he remembered your smile and the sound of your voice as you talked to him about nothing and everything. But more than anything, Sixty missed the way you used to look at him. It was the same way Cole would look at him: Like he was a person, not a problem.

Things were different now. 

After throwing up for what felt like an eternity that night, Sixty had drifted in and out of a deep slumber. The last thing he remembered was his temple resting against a car window while he watched you and Nines talk out on the street. Somehow one or both of you had managed to dress him and take him inside Nines’ car, but he couldn’t remember that part. Sixty couldn’t hear what Nines was saying to you either, but he remembered how you’d looked. You were hugging yourself, your silky night robe too thin and cold for the weather while you peered up at Nines with tears in your eyes. Sixty had never seen you cry like that. Actually, he had never seen any woman cry like that in his life. It wasn’t extreme or dramatic, but it showed a special kind of hurt in your eyes that made his heart ache inside his chest.

Nines stroked your arm soothingly, and you looked down at your feet while more tears gathered in your eyes. After struggling for a moment, you finally forced yourself to give him a small nod. 

Sixty didn’t know what that meant, and it had been bugging him every passing second since he’d seen it. No matter how much he tried, Nines refused to talk about you, and even though Sixty usually got what he wanted out of his brother with time, it seemed like his younger brother was growing more and more determined as time passed. It pissed Sixty off, but he was in such a poor condition that he didn’t have the strength to argue. He felt like his body was breaking itself apart because of the needs, and whenever Sixty shut his eyes, he could hear that angry screech inside his head. 

The hungry parasite inside him was demanding to be fed, and Nines had made sure that Sixty had nothing to give. 

***

Only an idiot would try to outsmart Nines, and while Sixty was selfish, manipulative and impatient, he was no idiot. 

Except, he definitely was, and even though he should’ve learned his lesson after stealing his brother’s ring, he still wanted to get out of that fucking apartment and find you. 

He’d been feeling a little better the past days, and his plan was to show Nines the complete fucking opposite of that. Why? Because lying in a fetus position and shaking in his own misery meant that Nines would give him space, and space meant that Nines would do something productive and forget Sixty for a while. The first part of his plan was simple: Mr. Hotshot CIA Agent needed to buy groceries, and when he came to check on him, Sixty pretended to be asleep.

The second part of his plan actually came before the first part of his plan. Yeah, okay, that made no fucking sense, and he’d blame it on the detox, but hear him out: Sixty had consistently acted like he felt like shit for the past three days so Nines wouldn’t grow suspicious. A predictable routine would mean that his brother would have his guard down, and that’s exactly what Sixty wanted. Slap both of these scenarios together, and Nines would have the confidence to leave him alone for his little trip. Sure, Nines had pointed at the security camera by the entrance door in the earlier days and threatened to tie him up like a rabid dog if he ever planned to set foot outside the apartment, but Sixty knew if he’d just manage to get out, he’d be able to hide from Nines even if he’d seen the escape. 

The plan was in action: Nines checked on him, he pretended to be a shaky, dying addict and a few minutes later the front door clicked shut. It took every bit of Sixty’s patience to wait until he was sure Nines was far from the apartment complex, and when he was, Sixty purposely left his wallet and phone in his room, and when he ran out of the door: he never looked back.

***

There were two reasons why Sixty forced himself to work on his patience.

One: Going straight to your apartment would be the most predictable move on his part, which meant that Nines would find him, beat his ass and drag him home again for more nightmare detox sessions. Two: It was a Friday and Sixty knew that you wouldn’t be home from work for another three hours anyway, so waiting outside your apartment would only make him look suspicious and even more impatient. When you’d actually be back completely depended on how many errands you had after work, and Sixty prayed there weren’t many that day.

Even though he knew both of those reasons were completely logical, they still didn’t help the restlessness he felt inside. Sure, some of it was solely due to his cravings, but the effect you had on him wasn’t much different. Whatever chemicals you activated inside his head was more tempting than a sniff of cocaine, and he clung to that. He refused every thought and every horrifying screech that echoed inside his head, because you were more important. 

You would always be more important. 

It seemed like his predictions were correct, because by the time your car drove up to your usual spot in the parking lot, Sixty had been waiting on one of the benches near the park for approximately ten minutes without catching a glimpse of Nines anywhere. He wanted to run up to you the moment you climbed out of your car, but when he saw the state you were in, his body froze. You were talking to someone on the phone, and while Sixty couldn’t hear what you were talking about, he saw enough to conclude that you were very upset. Tears were streaming down your face, and you had to brace yourself against the car as you began to crumble before his eyes. He prayed to god that your poor state wasn’t because of him. Although, the more he looked at you, the more something inside his gut told him that was the case. 

You took a good moment to gather yourself after hanging up on the phone, and Sixty slowly began to walk towards you when you headed towards your apartment building. Your hand was digging for your keys in your purse, and when you saw him, you instantly froze on the spot. 

Just like that night, your eyes and nose were red from crying. Although, the look in your eyes was different. Some part of Sixty had been preparing for the new way you’d look at him, but it still stung to meet the shock and discomfort in your eyes. It was new, almost alien, and he didn’t like it. Something else was different, too, and it wasn’t the baggy clothes, your messy hair or the dark circles under your eyes. Although, no matter how hard Sixty tried, he couldn’t put his finger on it. 

He watched as you avoided his puzzled frown, and when you decided to stride past him, Sixty called your name and blocked your path. He reached for your arm, but you quickly moved away from him.

“ No! ” You scowled, voice so raw and worn out it startled him.

“ Don’t you dare fucking touch me. ” This time your voice cracked, but you were stubborn and your eyes were hard. Even in a moment like this, you refused the tears that threatened to fall from your eyes.

“ Please. ” Sixty tried. “ I just need you to listen. I need you to understand why...  ” he trailed off, and the frown you gave him caused an ache to pulse through his chassis.

“ Understand what? Why you lied about having diabetes? Or the part where you forgot to tell me that you’ve been an addict for ten fucking years? ” 

He knew this would be hard. He knew since the moment you sat next to him at the bar and slid him a drink over the counter that the truth would break you. So why? Why was this so much worse than what he prepared for? His head hung in shame for a moment, and when he raised his head again, his voice was small:

“ I didn’t want to lose you. ” Sixty admitted. 

A tear trickled down your cheek, but you scoffed. Sixty watched as you took a moment to collect your thoughts, and then you stepped closer to him, peering into his eyes.

“ I trusted you, Colin. I let you into my life, my home, my heart… ” That heart-wrenching frown you were giving him was tearing him apart inside, but even though his own vision was starting to blur and shame burned his skin, he couldn’t look away from you.

“ …My body. ” you added, giving him a weak shrug and a smile that looked too sad for him to bear.

“ I deserved to know the truth. ” you said, and those stubborn tears finally fell from your eyes.

There was nothing Sixty didn’t already know about the things you were confronting him with, but somehow hearing you give those truths a voice made him realize just how badly he’d really hurt you. Something must’ve really been wrong with him, because even at that moment, he didn’t regret wanting you or trying to keep you away from the darkness inside him. Maybe some part of him knew it was the only way he could’ve ever had you, and he’d do it again, a hundred times over. He was ready to tell you the truth, and he prayed, somewhere deep inside, to a god he’d neglected his whole life, that he’d be enough for you. 

He was careful when he reached for you again, but this time you were too weak to resist his hands on your arms. Sixty could see the struggle on your face, and how your body was hesitating to the familiar contact as he pulled you closer. 

“ I’m sorry. ”  he murmured, voice small.  “ I know I fucked up- ”   

“ Sixty- ” You tried to move, but his grip tightened on your arms and he pulled you even closer, forcing you to look up at him. 

“ You wanted the truth. ” He said. “ So let me give you the truth. ” 

Your lips were quivering, and your breaths were coming out in harsh little puffs as you peered up at him. His affection for you had been clear to him on many occasions before, but at that particular moment, when you were so fucking vulnerable in his arms, Sixty knew he couldn’t continue without you.

“ The truth is that I’m a horrible fucking person. I’m jealous, manipulative and so fucking selfish that I stop at nothing just to get what I want. I’ve blamed my brother for our dad’s death, and I’ve envied him for years for marrying the girl I wanted back in fucking high school because it’s easier to hate him than to deal with my own guilt and insecurities. There’s been nothing in this world that I’ve genuinely cared about since I lost my dad. Nothing. I hate this fucking city and everyone that lives in it, and the only thing that keeps me going is my own fucking misery. I like the drugs because they are my only escape, and I constantly want to escape. Without them I’m nothing but a fucking monster, and I’m scared that I’ll do something I’ll never be able to take back someday. I don’t know what that means, and I don’t know how far I’m willing to go if I let my own insanity blind me, but I’m terrified of myself. I’m terrified because I know that I’m capable of anything, and that includes hurting you. ”

You were speechlessly staring up at him, but he kept going, ignoring the tears streaming down his face and the pulsing ache inside his chest. 

“ But I met you. ” he said. “ And the new truth I’ve found with you is that I’m capable of love. I love you more than any fucking drug and more than any high I’ve ever felt in my entire pathetic fucking life, and if standing before you right now instead shoving a fucking needle into my arm doesn’t prove that, then I don’t know what will. ” Your frown deepened, and he knew he looked so fucking desperate, but it was true. All of this was true.

And you wanted truth, didn’t you?

“ It’s more than that, though. You make me feel like I’m alive, like there is a chance for me to be more than just a fucking pest to the world and my brothers. You make me want to be more, because you’re so fucking driven and so fucking passionate and I forgot what that was like. You gave me a fucking will to live, and you don’t even realize what that means to me. ” 

Another tear fell down your cheek, and Sixty’s hands moved to hold your face instead.

“ If I’ve ever had an ounce of self-control within me, it’s been because of you. You make me better, and It’s scary, because normally I can’t even reach good for any fucking one in this horrible world. ” His voice was shaky, and his tears felt hot against his cheeks, but he ignored them again. He needed you to know. You had to know. “ And I wish I could be the man I know you deserve, but I’m so fucking broken inside I don’t even know which pieces of myself to pick up. I don’t know how or where to even fucking start– ”

Your hands were shaking when they trailed up to his wrists, but Sixty tightened his hold on your face.

“ I know I’m being selfish. I know, ” he sobbed. “ I fucked up and I hurt you, but please...”  Sixty shut his eyes, and his forehead fell against yours with another, desperate sob. 

“ Please, don’t leave me.” 

That was it, wasn’t it? There was nothing more he could say or do. Sixty had never poured his heart out like this to anyone in his entire life, and at that moment he felt like a gaping wound that wouldn’t stop bleeding. He’d told you everything he never wanted you to know, and it terrified him. If you rejected him, then his biggest fear would turn out to be true:

His fear of not being good enough.

It took you a long moment to respond, and the struggle was evident on your face. Despite his desperate grip, you tried to shake your head apologetically, and something shattered inside him when you finally forced yourself to speak:

“ I can’t. ” you whispered.  “ I’m sorry. I can’t. ” 

Sixty studied you for a moment. He tried to understand, with every sensible part of himself, why your face didn’t match your words. He could see the pain, regret and love in your eyes, but you avoided his searching orbs and you were trying to move his hands away from your face. He didn’t let you go. Instead, he forced you to meet his desperate frown.

“ What are you hiding? ” he asked breathlessly, “ I know you’re hiding something from me – I can feel it.  ”

He remembered again: You and Nines on the street. The small nod you gave him.

Somehow that kindled a fire inside you.

“ I can’t fix you, Colin! ” You cried, breaking yourself free from his grasp. 

“ I’ve worked too hard! I put my heart and soul into my work and I can’t–I won’t be the woman who drops her entire life because of a man! ”

Sixty had let his hands fall at his sides, his expression a mix between puzzled and hurt as he watched you before him. 

“ What did Nines tell you? ” he asked calmly. You looked shocked, but it quickly turned into anger.

“ What you failed to tell me! ” you retorted.

The two of you fell under a tense silence, and Sixty used the majority of it to study your face. In the end, something in him finally accepted it. He looked away and allowed his head to tip forward in a defeated nod. Maybe it was easier this way. He wasn’t strong enough to bear the sight of you walking away and leaving him for good.

You clutched onto your purse strode past him with tears streaming down your face, but when he spoke again, you found yourself halting to a stop:

“ You told me you loved me. ” he said. 

“ Was that your lie? ”

You turned to look at him, but he hadn’t moved from his spot. It was tragic, really. Even with his back to you, his broken spirit was evident. He really was an open wound.

“ No, ” you responded.

“ There is just…someone else I have to love more.  ” 

He knew you well enough to assume that someone had to be you. And honestly? He couldn’t fight or argue that you were selfish for it, because you weren’t. You had every right to protect yourself from the hell that came with him, and you deserved to reach for the stars and follow your dreams without suffering for it. With Sixty, they’d all turn into nightmares, and the night of that dinner had proved enough.

“ There is only one person in this world that can fix you, Six. ” He was a little surprised that you were still there, but he still wasn’t strong enough to face you. 

“ It’s not me, Richard, Connor or anyone else. ” you said.

“ The only person that can fix you is yourself. And when you do …I hope you find love for yourself along the way. I hope you forgive yourself …and Connor, too. ” 

Sixty never saw the way you crumbled before you finally walked away: Leaving him alone with the realization that he was a gaping wound that he didn’t know how to heal. Was it a surprise that you didn’t stay? Was it a surprise that once again, he wasn’t good enough?

Everything hurt. His chest, his stomach, his palms, his feet, his head, and every fucking nerve that spread inside him made his suffering possible. It was strange, though, how despite the unbearable pain he felt inside, he couldn’t seem to cry. A vortex was growing at the center of his chest, and sucked everything inside a void that made him feel like he was floating out of his body. He didn’t know when he began to move again, but his balance was betraying him as he blindly walked towards an aimless destination. His heart was racing, and his breaths became heavier by each passing second. It was a horrible time to cross the street, because he’d already started hyperventilating by the time a sharp honk startled him back to reality. A car had skidded to a stop inches from him on the road, and the only thing he could hear was a ringing while the driver got out of the car and yelled at him for being reckless.

Sixty began to run. He ran like that’d help him escape from the pain, from your voice echoing rejection inside his head and the unbearable truth of knowing he was back to the reality he’d been trying to escape from until he laid eyes on you at that fucking event.

He shouldn’t have gone. He should’ve ran off and gotten high and avoided this fucking pain that refused to let him go even after his legs and lungs gave out. The screech inside his head was becoming louder and Sixty couldn’t take it anymore. 

It was too much.

Too much.

***

It was the sound of the sirens from a passing police car that had startled him. Sixty didn’t know where he was, but his body was freezing and his back hurt from the rough bricks of the alley wall he was slumped against. With a stiff neck, he turned to find a pair sitting next to him on the dirty ground next to a dumpster. They mumbled nonsense to each other and made out in between whatever they were saying, and Sixty understood nothing. He stared at them through lidded eyes, and one of them noticed him after a moment.

“ Oh, look. He’s awake. ” There was something lazy and slow in his eyes, and the way he spoke seemed to match that. Sixty didn’t even doubt it for a second: That guy was high on heroin. 

His partner was just as lazy when she twisted around to look at him, and she scoffed when she saw his state.

“ Dude, you don’t –You don’t look so good. ” She bursted into a laugh, and her boyfriend chuckled.

Once again, Sixty understood nothing, but the girl seemed to mistake his confusion for sadness.

“ No, no, that just means your dealer knows their shit. ” she praised. If that could count as a praise.

“ I’m sober. ” Sixty murmured, turning his head to stare at the brick wall across from him.

There was a moment of silence before the pair burst into laughter again, and it seemed like Sixty had truly been hilarious this time because they were going at it for a while. 

Yeah, definitely heroin.

“ Dude’s fucking gone, ” the guy said, and the girl tried to shush him between her own giggles. 

Sixty closed his eyes. He didn’t know where he was or how long he’d been there, and he found a weak relief in knowing that he didn’t care. 

“ He looks so sad, ” the girl said after a pause, and Sixty was mildly annoyed by the fact that they spoke about him like he wasn’t there.

“ Yeah. Like a sad puppy. ” the guy added. 

When Sixty turned to look at them again, they were staring at him with their arms around each other.

What an interesting date.

“ Who hurt you, puppy? ” the girl asked.

Sixty stared at the brick wall before him again, and sighed deeply.

“ My girlfriend found out that I’m an addict…so she dumped me. ”

The duo were silent for a while, and Sixty couldn’t bother to look at them this time.

“ Well, fuck her, then. ” the guy said.

“ Yeah, fuck her. ” the girl agreed. 

While Sixty ignored them, the girl lazily climbed off her boyfriend and crawled over to him.

“ Don’t worry, puppy. I got something that’ll make you feel better. ” She dug her fingers into her bra and pulled out a small plastic bag with tiny, red crystals in it. Sixty only saw it when she dangled it in his face, and instantly, the screech inside his head was back. 

“ You know the saying: Red Ice takes you to new heights! ” She was cracking up again, letting the bag drop on Sixty’s lap. While he stared at her little gift with wide eyes, she was crawling back into her boyfriend's lap for another sloppy make out session.

Fuck. 

This really was rock bottom, wasn’t it?

He was sitting in a dirty alleyway next to two crackheads and a dumpster, and they were the ones feeling sorry for him. A part of him wondered why he’d been trying at all. Why did he endure all that torture and try to better himself for you when he couldn’t be enough anyway? The world didn’t give a fuck about his efforts or his pain, so there was no reason for him to deprive himself of the only thing that made him feel good.

Sixty reached for one of his shoes and began to pull his shoelaces out.

Nothing mattered anymore. 

Nothing mattered but a high.

He needed a fucking high.

He pulled up the left sleeve of his hoodie as far as it could go, and then he wrapped the shoelaces low around his bicep and secured it as tight as possible by pulling it with his teeth. His arm was bruised, and he knew that he shouldn’t do this when his veins were this sore, but he didn’t care anymore.

Maybe if you’d stayed, this wouldn’t have happened. And yes, he knew it was unfair to think that. It was unfair to demand and expect that from you when his addiction was his burden to carry, but fuck: He loved you. He really fucking loved you and now you were gone.

Nothing mattered now. Not you, not his brothers,  and not him. So why couldn’t he stop thinking about you? Why did your last words continue to haunt him even as he held a lighter under a spoon and watched the red crystals melt into a shiny pool before his eyes? 

I hope you forgive yourself …and Connor, too.

It took him six tries to find a decent vein, and by that time the damage on his left arm was horrible. The syringe had been used by the girl next to him, and the spoon had leftovers of heroin in it from the guy, but Sixty didn’t care. He’d use anything to escape you and his misery. He’d do anything just to find some peace, even if it came from a needle. 

Sixty allowed head to fall back against the brick wall, and with a deep exhale, he closed his eyes.

When he opened his eyes again,

it was snowing,

and Hank was looking at him.

***

 “ You always fucking do this! You always treat me like I’m some fucking problem and I’m so fucking sick of it! Just fuck off to Sumo and leave me alone!  ” 

“ I told you I’m not leaving without you whether you fucking like it or not!  ” Hank shot back. “ Now get your fucking stuff and get your ass in the car, I’m not doing this with you tonight. ”

Sixty scoffed, and his breath turned into a brief cloud in the winter air. He’d been drinking a few beers and smoked most of the joints they’d passed around on Leo’s fancy couch in the large living room. Sixty hated him and his stupid fucking friends, but he hated being home more. Home meant silence, and silence meant he could hear his thoughts: and he couldn’t stop thinking about Connor with Suki.

“ You’re so fucking unfair. ” Sixty spat. “ Why am I the only one who gets in trouble every time I want to have some fun? If I was Connor you’d let me stay the fucking night. But- oh right! You did let Connor stay the fucking night, just not here! ” 

Hank fell silent for a long moment, and during that time, Sixty’s eyes turned teary and his breaths had turned into harsh, frequent puffs. Nothing about Sixty’s body language invited a calm reaction, but Hank still surprised him with one.

“ There’ll be other girls, son. ” he said. 

“ You’ll meet many people throughout your life, and one day you will find that special someone that will be just right for you. I know things don’t make sense now, but one day they will. ” 

Sixty glared at him through his tears, jaw tight and fists shaking at his sides. Hank met his anger with hope and concern.

“I didn’t raise you to compete with your brothers, Colin. I wanted you to lift each other up through hardships, and support each other in success. That’s what brothers are meant to do. ”

“ Connor always gets what I want. ”  Sixty spat through gritted teeth. “ I’m so sick of it! ”

Hank frowned. They’d been standing out in the snow for a long time, but Hank had no intention to leave without Sixty, and Sixty had no intention to go home with Hank. The similarities between them and their destructive mindset became clearer at moments like these, and some part of Hank knew that out of his sons, Sixty had inherited most of his bad qualities. Hank blamed himself. A good father wouldn’t let his son feel this unloved, but somehow, no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t make Sixty feel his love.

He was only sixteen years old and already walking down a dangerous road that concerned Hank greatly. Sixty was jealous and sensitive and he needed validation in a way Connor and Nines didn’t need, and no matter how much Hank tried to give him what he needed, nothing was enough for Sixty. Because deep down, Sixty didn’t like Sixty. 

Sixty hated Sixty.

“ Just come home with me, son. ” Hank tried.  “ Those people inside don’t care about you or what’s best for you, but I always will.  ”

Sixty stared at Hank for a long moment, and when he couldn’t think of anything to bark at him, he strode back towards the mansion.

“ I don’t care if you bring the pigs from the station or freeze your ass off out here, I’m not going home! ”

Sixty managed to emphasize his refusal by slamming the front door shut after him, and Hank responded with a frustrated curse and kick to one of the tires of his poor car. He wiped a hand down his face and tried to calm his nerves, realizing that this would be a long fucking night. Carl Manfred was a rich man and his son was spoiled with good lawyers, but that wasn’t the only reason Hank didn’t march inside to try and stop the party. The biggest reason was Sixty. Not only would he curse Hank forever, but he’d also be arrested for his involvement, and that would stain his future for good. It wasn’t the right thing to do, and Hank knew he should’ve let Sixty face the consequences, but he feared that would make him worse.

Fifteen minutes later, Hank sat in his car and stared at the mansion through the falling snow. He could’ve called Nines to help him persuade Sixty, but that poor boy barely had time to rest with all the fucking activities and tests the CIA and Amanda were dragging him through, and Connor…

Fuck. 

Connor was having his first sleepover at his girlfriend’s house and Hank didn’t want to ruin that for him with more responsibilities. Despite his age, Connor never shied away from solving problems that weren’t his, and Hank didn’t like that. The constant conflict between Sixty and Connor was causing too many problems, though, and Hank worried that it would lead to worse things in the future if they didn’t work it out sooner than later. When he checked the time, it was around two AM, and even though he should’ve known that nothing good happens after two AM, he still ended up calling Connor.

Maybe if they made up, Sixty would come home, and the car ride back would end on a happy note.

It took four signals until Connor picked up.

“ Dad? ” 

“ Hey. Sorry, I didn’t uh– I’m not interrupting anything, am I? ” Hank pinched the bridge of his nose. He was already regretting this.

“ Wh- No, no. Suki and I were just…playing chess.  ” Hank heard some shuffling in the background.

Chess, huh?

“ Is something wrong? ” Connor asked, voice a little lower.

Hank sighed deeply. 

And then came a long silence.

“ It’s Colin. ”

Another long silence followed, and when Connor spoke again, his voice was firm:

“ Send me your location. ” 

***

There was a small, wide window on the wall of the old garage in Hank’s house that Sixty had used to sneak out back in the day. Granted, he’d been smaller when he’d used it to get to Leo’s party that night, but that didn’t stop him from climbing on top of Connor’s garbage can and squeezing through the window at three AM. His left arm was wonderfully numb and useless, and it had been dangling at his side during the hours it took him to find his way to his childhood home. When Sixty finally squeezed through the window with a grunt, he clumsily fell inside the garage with a loud dunk. 

He groaned, and three seconds later, the security alarm began to ring. 

“ Ugh, shut the fuck up… ” he grumbled. 

Sixty was left-handed, which meant that using his right arm to drag himself up on his feet and maneuvering his way around would be a mild struggle. The lights were off in the garage and apart from that blinking red from the beeping alarm, there wasn’t much to see. Luckily, he managed to navigate the lamp on Hank’s old desk in the corner, and although it took Sixty a few tries to turn it on, he succeeded to do so without breaking anything.

“ And God said let there be light! ” he exclaimed.

Wasn’t he just fantastic?

His optimism slowly began to drain the moment he saw how different the garage looked. Connor had kept Hank’s wooden desk, but the drumset, guitars and piles of old vinyl records were gone. Everything was organized and tidy and Sixty hated every fucking bit of it. He began to push random things off the desk and search through drawers, but the noise drowned in the constant beeps that continued to fuel his agitation.

He didn’t notice that the door from the hall had opened, and he certainly didn’t react to Connor bolting in with a gun in his hand: A gun he slowly lowered when he saw that it was Sixty breaking into his garage. Suki caught up to Connor at the door, and she was twice as shocked to find Sixty there. She gripped Connor’s arm, and he turned to look at her with a quick demand:

“ Call Richard. ” 

The alarm finally died, and the loud crash of a drawer falling to the floor snapped the pair’s attention back to Sixty. 

Cole was crying in the background.

“ Colin, ” Connor called. He gripped Suki’s arm, urging her to go. Suki only hesitated for a second, and then she hurried down the hall. It was a wonder that Sixty even bothered to glance over at Connor, because the dull, agitated look on his face couldn’t have been more telling. 

Nothing mattered.

“ What are you doing? ” Connor asked.

“ You know that song by Paul Anka? ” Sixty rasped. He began to sing the intro to Put Your Head On My Shoulder while he searched through the desk, but his voice was broken and it lacked its usual smoothness.

“ Dad had a vinyl record of it around here somewhere, ” he grumbled, “ I can’t find it. ”

Strange. 

It was there 10 years ago, after all.

He was making a mess of the garage, but Connor wasn’t worried about that. Sixty looked sickly pale. His clothes were worn and dirty, and he was missing a shoe while his left arm dangled in an unsettling way at his side. 

That’s what Connor was worried about.  

“ Where is it, Connor? ” Sixty’s voice cracked, and Connor felt his heart shatter inside his chest.

“ You sold everything. ” Connor said. By then, tears had gathered in his eyes.

Sixty was silent for a moment, and when he began to shake, Connor realized that he was crying. 

He’d sold everything for drugs.

“ Fuck… ” Sixty sobbed, bracing himself against the edge of the desk.

Connor didn’t know what to say, but his grip on the gun was turning his knuckles white, and his eyes were stinging. The only comfort he could find was in the realization that Cole had stopped crying, but somehow Sixty’s quiet sobs turned out to be worse.

“ Richard’s been looking everywhere for you. ” Connor said. “ He’s been so worried. ”

“ Can we stop calling him that? I hate that fucking name. ” Sixty grumbled, and then he was back to his pointless search, as if he wasn’t crying and sobbing.

If Sixty vandalizing his garage meant it would buy Connor time, then this was good. He just needed to keep his brother calm until Nines arrived, and then they’d handle Sixty together. There were many things Nines could do that Connor couldn’t, and the most basic thing was to exist around Sixty without causing an outrage. It was uncertain to Connor what his presence could trigger in his younger brother during his current state, but he didn’t want to push it, and he certainly didn’t want to provoke Sixty in any way. 

Fifteen minutes passed, and Sixty ran out of things to break and throw around. So, naturally, his attention turned to Connor. His eyes were bloodshot, and tears were rolling down his cheeks when he spoke again:

“ She left me, Connor. ” Sixty said, “ I fucked up really bad this time. ”

In the past, it was always easier to blame Connor for his pain, and Sixty never truly understood why Connor just took it. The oldest brother avoided Sixty’s gaze for a moment, but when he met his eyes again, his grip grew tighter on the gun in his hand. Some part of him wished that he wasn’t holding it at all. He didn’t like the risk it put them both in.

“ I shouldn’t have been surprised, but fuck…  ” Sixty murmured, swaying a little as he walked closer to his older brother. “ I really fucking loved her. I really fucking tried. ”

Maybe that was why he never bothered to try before he met you. Maybe he was a coward for it, but at least that gave him the comfort of knowing that he hadn’t put any effort into the things he failed at. Now that he had given it his all, it just solidified his beliefs that he’d never be enough for anyone.

Connor looked pained, but he couldn’t look away from him.

“ This is all your fault, you know? ” Sixty said, voice a little louder. “ It’s your fault for not letting me die in that fucking car! ” he screamed.

Sixty’s breaths were coming out in harsh little gasps, and despite his sudden anger, he couldn’t stop crying. Connor had held on for a good while, but his tears managed to win in the end. Sixty either didn’t register that Connor was crying, or he didn’t care, because nothing about the sight before him seemed to get a reaction out of him.

“ It was dad, ” Connor said. “ Dad wanted me to save you. ”

Until that moment.

Sixty felt like he’d been hit by a truck. Somewhere inside the mess of hurt and highs inside his head, he tried to make sense of what Connor was telling him. 

Dad wanted me to save you.

“ I was trying to pull him out of the driver’s seat, but I wasn’t…I wasn’t strong enough. ” The guilt and regret was heavy in his eyes, and Sixty could see that it had been haunting him for a long time. 

“ He said he’d never forgive me if I didn’t get you out first ” he dragged a hand over his face, but he couldn’t stop the endless tears spilling from his eyes. “ So I did.”

A beat of silence followed.

 “ I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Colin. I swear, I did everything I could, but it wasn’t enough. ”

Sixty’s eyes were wide with shock, and his entire body felt too heavy for him to carry. That memory of him hearing Hank speak to one of the workers back in the orphanage came back to him again for some reason. All of his insecurities and self doubt had started there, after all. He grew up thinking that Hank didn’t love him. He grew up thinking he was a package deal that came with Connor, but in the end, Hank had given up on his own life for Sixty and Connor hadn’t been as perfect as he thought. 

Despite everything he’d said and done, his dad had still seen value in his life, and Sixty had honored that by wasting it all away in pain and hatred and regret. That nightmare reality was slowly crumbling around him, and the new one sparked a light inside the vortex inside his chest. 

Sixty understood then:

Hank loved him. 

***

“ Connor’s a bright kid. ” Hank said, but by that time, Sixty had already run down the hall after what he’d overheard. 

“ But I didn’t really come here for him. ” 

The social worker raised her brows.

“ I’m sorry Mr.Anderson, I’m not really following…”

Hank sighed. His fingers drummed over the desk before him while he took a moment to find the right words.

“ You know I wanted to adopt Colin. ” He said. “ And I still think he needs me more than the other two. ”

The worker looked puzzled, but Hank continued:

“ But I also know that he’s very attached to his brothers, and taking him away would cause more harm than good. ”

“ So what are you suggesting? ” She asked.

Hank crossed his arms and gave her a lazy shrug.

“ Isn’t it obvious? ” he said.  

“ I’ll adopt all three of them. ”

***

When Nines ran up to the porch, Suki was already waiting with the door wide open. He could see that she’d been crying for a while, because her eyes were bloodshot in a way he’d only seen once before. That night she’d had a really bad fight with Connor, and despite how Nines struggled to help her, he made a mental note to make sure she’d never cry like that again. He pulled her into a hug, and she returned it with a small sob.

“ Where is he? ” Nines asked calmly when she’d moved back.

“ He broke into the garage, ” Suki said, wiping her tears. “ I’ve never seen him like that, Rich. He’s not himself anymore. ”

Nines looked down the hall for a moment. He’d been looking for Sixty since the moment he got the alert from the security camera back at the apartment, and despite the severity of the current situation, some part of him was just grateful that Sixty wasn’t dead. He placed his hands on Suki’s shoulders, and looked her in the eyes.

“ You should go back to Cole. Stress is not good for you or the baby. ” 

Suki shook her head, but before she could protest, he brought a gentle hand to the side of her face with a curl on his lips that could only be described as his version of a smile.

“ Don’t worry. I won’t let anything happen to either of them. ”

Suki let out a small laugh in relief, and after a moment, she gave him a light nod.

“ Okay. ” she said. “ You should go before they burn the house down.”

Nines gave her shoulder a small squeeze, and a second later, Suki watched him hurry down the hall.

***

Sixty felt lost inside his own head. He didn’t know when he’d collapsed on the floor, but when he opened his eyes, Nines and Connor were staring down at him with a concern in their eyes that Sixty had never seen before. Connor was crying, and Nines was struggling not to.

His body was coming down from his high, and that only meant that there was great suffering waiting ahead of him. Sweat had managed to dampen his hoodie, and his body pulsed with an odd ache that weakened him by each passing second. His vision began to blur, and he turned his head to his left to inspect the odd, dead weight of his left arm. He tried to move his fingers, but they weren’t listening to him.

Why weren’t they listening to him?

“ Colin. ” Nines tried to drag his attention back to them, but Sixty’s breaths were only turning more frequent, and panic was growing inside him with each passing second.

“ My arm. I can’t—move my arm, ”  he panted, and Nines’ brows pinched together with concern. He pulled Sixty’s hoodie off in a hurry, and the moment he and Connor saw his bare skin, they both froze.

Sixty wasn’t brave enough to look, so he stared up at the ceiling with tears leaking from his eyes and tried to steady his breaths. Connor clutched onto his right hand, and Sixty began to cry.

“ Fuck.” he sobbed. “ I’m scared, Connor. I’m so fucking scared. ”

“ You’ll be okay. ” Connor tried to sound reassuring, but his voice was betraying him. “ Help’s on the way. ” 

There were many things Sixty wanted to tell his brothers. There were many things he wanted to tell Connor, but somehow it felt like it was too late. He’d cheated death many times before, but this time his body had reached a dangerous point, and Sixty was terrified that if he didn’t concentrate, he would stop breathing and die right there.

“ I’m sorry, ” he whispered, struggling to focus on those critical breaths when his mind was filled with so much regret.  “ I’m sorry for taking my pain out on you. I’m sorry I made things so hard. ”

Nines turned away the moment a tear escaped his eyes, and Connor lowered his head.

“ I just fucking miss him so much… ” Sixty sobbed. “ I don’t know how I’m supposed to get over that he’s gone. ” 

His breaths were turning more frequent, and Nines clenched his jaw.  

“ Colin, please save your energy. ”

Sixty tried to listen, but as the minutes passed, he struggled to open his eyes, and the fear became unbearable.

“ I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die…” he murmured, voice quiet and eyes closing. Nines tried to shake him, and Connor called his name, but Sixty slipped into darkness. The last thing he could hear was the sound of sirens closing in, and before Connor or Nines could fight him back to consciousness, a weak voice caught their attention:

“ Connor… ” 

The two brothers turned to find Suki by the door. Her breaths were coming out in sharp little puffs, and she braced herself against the doorframe when her balance swayed. Connor could see the sweat on her forehead and right before his eyes caught the fluid dripping down her leg, he understood:

Suki was giving birth.

[lloydfrontera]

listen even though we can't ever read the og novel Lloyd read i just can't not think about Lloyd having a silly little crush on Novel!Javier and honestly? The au of Novel Javier going into their world would be such a Y/N moment for him, I can't stop thinking about how they'd deal with stuff together like:

Where would Novelier even stay? at an inn? He's bound to be caught by Javier if he does, but then again he might be in too much pain to stay at the baron's estate, but Lloyd insists on him picking either instead of hiding in the mountains somewhere(just to keep tabs on him, totally not because he wants to be able to utilize TWO javiers in work somehow)

but then like, at that point i think Novelier would have trouble sleeping(idk if he ever got over his insomnia, I'm still at chapter 80 of the novel) so after Lloyd does his lullaby service one time to Javier and it actually working on him too, Novelier decides to keep distance at night but close enough to hear the service-

mamsnmsmanam MAN i just love this au it's so embarrassing ahaha i just want to see Novelier and Lloyd interact mansmsmsmma and maybe Novelier lowkey start liking him too👀👉👈

OH MY GOD YES!!

listen my isekai pet peeve will always be that i can't read the og novels I NEED THE DETAILS!!! how am i supposed to work in these circumstances °՞(ᗒᗣᗕ)՞°

but yeah!! this would absolutely be lloyd's y/n moment, he's thriving! (he's also freaking out because this is another wrench thrown into his plans but still!! his fictional crush isn't fictional anymore!!)

i was thinking maybe lloyd would convince novelier (which btw,,, i love that, if we go by the other spelling of his name we can even use noviel i love it) of not showing his face by wearing a helmet or a mask so he can get around more easily. and novelier thinks it's stupid, but they do live in a world with warlocks and dragons and elves so a guy wearing a mask isn't the weirdest thing ever so he agrees because as much as it hurts to see the baron and baroness, the idea of being so close and not see them hurts even more.

so lloyd introduces him to his parents, spinning the same tale he did to javier, telling them he wants to keep novelier around too and they,, accept because of course they would, this is not even in the top five strangest things lloyd has done and they trust him so it's fine, of course the strange nameless knight that seems to be staring and at a loss of words as he's being introduced to them can stay, whatever lloyd wants <3.

javier is,,, flabbergasted. is he the only one that sees something wrong with all of this. is he really.

and btw! as far as i remember javier hasn't stopped needing the lullaby service up to where i am at the novel (i think. my memory isn't the greatest unfortunately) so i think it's safe to say novelier still has his own insomnia problems!

ajdkajdla what if. what if lloyd tells javier "hey i can put you to sleep in your own room now :) im having the knight of blood and iron sleep in my room now it's fine :)" and javier is just. chewing on glass the entire time. without knowing why the idea of someone else sleeping on the room with the young master bothers him so much. and novelier notices and makes a big show of telling lloyd he'll wait for him at his room, somehow giving javier a smug look while still wearing a mask adjsjdksl

and hey. lloyd has two hands. they're both for shoveling but he wouldn't say no to two boyfriends who are both good at construction work anyway <3

i am definitely living for the dynamics the three of them would have, like javier and lloyd are still in that 'refusing to admit they're even friends although they spend all the time together and are each other's person they're closest to' stage, except now javier has to compete with someone else for lloyd's attention and he doesn't like that, lloyd has an embarrassing crush he refuses to admit he has on novelier mixed with a small dose of hero worship which novelier kinda notices and uses to fluster him sometimes in order to annoy javier, maybe even play flirting at times except oh shit it's not playing anymore ok alright he can deal with yep no problem

i am obsessed with this au now you don't understand i love ittttt!!!!

[dkniade]

Not gonna lie, I voted for the platonic option in the poll. My reasoning is that I'd really just like to hang out with some of these characters and get to know them. Character analysis has always been my thing and I'd like to see other's takes on them. I'm hardly one to write it out for myself as much as putting them in situations, but the ones I find are quite nice.

Context: types of reader inserts

Yeah, it’d be interesting to hang out with the characters and see what they’d do. I likewise enjoy how others interpret the characters and how it comes across in their writing. It seems to allow for more diverse scenarios too, which is refreshing to see.

Also, speaking of getting to know characters—

(I ended up talking about the development in Kaeya’s & Albedo’s character story so it got a lot longer than I had expected. Also has some reader inserts I like at the end)

-

It seems fan fiction—at least the ones I’ve come across—is written with the assumption that the reader knows about the overall setting/background of the source media. E.g. if someone’s looking for canon-compliant Kaeya-and-Diluc-centric angst/hurt-comfort fic, then it’s generally assumed that the reader knows about the two’s strained past relationship to some degree. So for short reader insert stories (one shots), exposition for the (non-reader) character’s backstory isn’t usually the focus (in my experience)—

(Occasionally I find some where the reader insert’s backstory is just forced straight into the first few paragraphs in a tell-don’t-show fashion like “Your parents were always busy so you always had to take care of yourself but ever since you met [character] your life began to change.” That feels rather dry to read. It’s more fun (and difficult) to scatter bits and pieces of info across the story to imply the reader insert’s backstory.)

—But I think a little exposition for a character background works, so that the story can kind of stand on its own even as fan fiction. Making the context specific when it comes to a scene about why a character is acting a certain way helps set the scene too. Maybe I do it for my stories in general so I don’t forget why I’m writing a character in a way. I tend to forget about character motivation a lot in the middle of writing…

When I say specific context that helps one to know the character… Let’s compare and contrast Kaeya and Albedo’s character stories as examples.

-

KAEYA’s Character Details gives basic info on his position in the Knights of Favonius. “目前他担任西风骑士团的骑兵队长，是一位可靠的行动派、深得琴信任的人物。” -> “Currently he’s the Cavalry Captain of the Knights of Favonius. He’s a reliable person who gets things done, a figure who Jean trusts immensely.”

(Official English version: “Kaeya currently serves as the Cavalry Captain of the Knights of Favonius, and is trusted by Jean.”)

*行动派 describes someone who prefers to do things instead of thinking/talking about them. Man of action is closest the equivalent I could find in English… But someone who gets things done works too.

Story 1 is about his reputation(s) in Mondstadt, his love for alcohol and his ability to manipulate his words and get information (there should be a better way to word this…). “It's hard to imagine someone as mischievous, amiable, and wine-loving as Kaeya being the Cavalry Captain of the Knights of Favonius. Hunters and bandits alike are often among Kaeya's drinking buddies. As wary of him as they may initially be, all are ultimately disarmed by his smooth talking, and end up telling him everything he wants to know.”

Story 2 tells us Kaeya’s view on justice and his unconventional/somewhat sadistic choice of methods in getting things done (e.g. triggering a Ruin Guard and putting both his foes and allies in danger, relishing his allies’ momentary hesitation & his enemies’ fear in a life-or-death situation). The ruin guard part is a nice & specific little snapshot that highlights that part of him. I like how it’s told.

Story 3 is another snapshot but it’s rather subtle (so I’m not quite sure how to interpret it). “Kaeya battles against this threat to Mondstadt not only with his sword, but also with his smarts and his wit.” “When Death After Noon is out of season due to lack of supply, the number of reported incidents inside and outside the city show a drastic decrease, and this remains the case until Death After Noon returns to the market...” Given the previous stories that keep on emphasizing Kaeya’s connection to alcohol, one can interpret it as Kaeya dealing with the enemies a lot more when he’s not drinking/at a tavern… Or that it shows how Kaeya uses information given to him to his advantage, hence “his smarts and wit”… We learn a bit more about him.

And then, Stories 4-5 are about his past, but we’re given details of two specific events that impacted him, one for each story. Instead of saying “Kaeya’s relationship with his birth father and Crepus was like this”, it showed bits of dialogue, thoughts, weather conditions… Other characters’ reactions… Story 4 tells us his abandonment at the Dawn Winery, teases his Khaenri’ahn lineage, and how Crepus took him in. This is about his relationship with his birth father, and Crepus. Story 5 tells us his partnership with Diluc and their past reputations as knights. And then, we get Crepus’ death, another major event for him. “It was the first and only time that Kaeya failed in his duty.” We’re finally given background on why Kaeya is seen as reliable in the knights (character details), and why he’s trusted by Jean. And of course through these two scenes we get to learn about his past relationship with his birth father, Crepus, and Diluc.

And then, because contrast is important in having impact storytelling, we get to learn about an inconspicuous list, a break from the intense tragedies of the previous stories. It’s the object that gets highlighted before the Vision story (usually GI character stories have an item that’s discussed before the Vision section it seems). Lovely. Interestingly, it’s also in second person point of view… It’s got a similar nature as story 3. Motifs… First a report by a young knight (story 3), now a list that “meticulously records the details of bandits in the city and further afield, as well as mercenaries and mid-to-senior-level Treasure Hoarder members, listing for each entry a name, position, area of activity, and personal profile.” And then, “Your gut feeling is that Kaeya purposely let you see this list, but you have no way of proving it.” This feels strangely specific. (In Hidden Strife we also get an epistolary storytelling style…) Piecing the context together like this is fun.

And then we get the Vision story, and more details regarding his inner turmoil and an explanation for him concealing the truth (to Varka in Story 4 for example). Basically, it’s a long-winded way of saying, I like how the separate scenes show off different sides of Kaeya, each with a different context.

-

ALBEDO’s Character Stories, in comparison, seem to have roughly the same tone all the way through. His Character Details introduce his prowess at alchemy (“This young man displayed the true prowess of alchemy to all, bringing with him a massive corpus of wisdom that even the Sumeru Akademiya did not possess”) and his theme of birth., which he demonstrates.

Like Kaeya’s, Albedo’s Character Story 1 shows his social reputation, but glosses it over in a bunch of surface descriptions of he feels this, he feels that, he is this. (“Albedo's tendency to avoid social interactions does not make him a cold-hearted person. He is sincere and contented when instructing his assistants, Timaeus and Sucrose. He finds pleasure in giving his sketches to the citizens of Mondstadt.”)

His information about Alice, and his past with Rhinedottir and Khaenri’ah, is revealed in a very matter-of-fact and emotionally detached manner throughout Character Stories 2-5 and Albedo’s Artwork– But as I’m writing this, I wonder if it’s a third-person limited narrator? If it’s Albedo himself telling the tale, then it all makes sense as to why it’s told this way, since he—at least a part of him—is methodical…

The Vision section felt underwhelming when I first read it. (I had expected every Vision story to be of Kaeya’s calibre but I’m, of course, wrong, haha)(Saying this now, I wonder how Albedo’s Character Stories would be if Durin/Festering Desire and the Primordial Human Project are included in there too?)

But my point is, I don’t feel there’s a particular emotional climax in the progression of Albedo’s character story. In Story 4, he was abandoned by Rhinedottir—and he genuinely believed every one of her threats to abandon him if he couldn’t finish the assignments.

(“In the past, Albedo's assignments had always been very difficult. He had always believed wholeheartedly that his master would make good on her threat to leave him, should he fail. But this assignment she had left to him was far too hard, far beyond the limit of his abilities. Did this mean, then, that he was fated to never complete it, and thus never see his master again?”)

That should’ve been the climax of his character story, yet where’s the tension? Did it impact Albedo emotionally, and if so, I wonder, couldn’t the story show that a bit more? If it didn’t impact Albedo emotionally, maybe because of Alice’s care, I wonder if they could’ve told us about his views towards Alice some more in his story? The Albedo of the past and the Albedo of the (character story’s) present feels roughly the same, meanwhile the Kaeya of the past went through a lot to become the Kaeya of the (character story’s) present.

-

…Back to reader inserts and specific details in showing emotion.

Compared to Kaeya’s character story, maybe how a story unfolds feels different in a one-shot reader insert, which would likely be only one scene (unless it has multiple super condensed scenes). Over the years I’ve learned (from experience and from taking some writing courses) that—

1. Contrast makes emotions hit harder (e.g. we’re repeatedly told how popular, friendly, and mischievous Kaeya is, so perhaps it’s a surprise that his backstory is actually quite dark)

2. How much time elapses between various scenes is important (e.g. Kaeya’s stories 1-3 seem like they could happen across a few days or months, while story 4 suddenly pulls us back to a decade ago, and then some years after in Story 5, and from that point towards we’re slowly experiencing the afternoon of Diluc’s 18th birthday across Stories 5 and Vision. We get a more varied range of experiences this way.)

-

I suppose by now I could mention a few reader inserts that I enjoy. (Last one’s NSFW and the line I mention is suggestive)

by wipcore

changing seasons (Kazuha x reader)

This one I like for the Inazuma textile store assistant reader’s implied backstory and how Kazuha subtly changes them as their paths cross. It’s a specific character setting I didn’t encounter before.

only fools are satisfied (Kaeya x reader)

This one I like for the Sumeru scholar reader and Kaeya’s witty dynamic and for how it opens up the conflict and how Kaeya feels straight from the beginning. Again, it’s a unique character setting I rarely see.

by gold-rhine

NSFW First time sub afab! Kaeya x GN Dom! Reader

(It includes Diluc, Ayato, Gorou, and Kaeya separately but I specifically mean the Kaeya section because, let me just quote a line—)

“an intoxicating feverish thrill from how hungrily you rake your eyes over him mixing with both his own arousal and nervousness into a heady, daring mix.”

The alcohol metaphor, the similar feeling you get when reading the line in Kaeya’s friendship Lv 4 Companion Voiceline, “I have to say, though, that chatting with you is quite intoxicating... Actually, in much the same way that drinking is. So, I suppose... I'm just greedy and want to enjoy both of these pleasures at the same time.”

Yet, gold-rhine’s line works in that context while having it be undoubtedly Kaeya. That, is intoxicating.

And yet, it’s not just smut. There’s character development too, and Kaeya’s layers reveal themselves through the progression of the story in a similar way to how his character story progresses except with enough time that one set of emotions (including his trust issues and self-hatred and desire to please) is wonderfully explored.

…

Inevitably I ended up talking about storytelling again. Anyway, thank you for the comment on reader inserts. I think it’s interesting too, how between the line of character analysis and storytelling, in the hands and scenarios of different fic writers, a character can act differently, yet still retain that part of them that makes them them.

[gofancyninjaworld]

I've been really annoyed at a lot of takes I see on Reddit and couldn't put my finger on why, but today I realized it's because they have a lot of snobbery towards shounen and assume ONE is making fun of every element of it. which I don't think is true. he pokes fun for sure, but I see a lot of "he's deconstructing the shallow shounen trope of blah blah and ridiculing it" which feels excessively mean. Most of the time someone presents the trope being "deconstructed," it's something shounen already handles with nuance. So it's extra annoying because it sounds like people who don't actually read shounen and just assume everything in OPM is ridiculing it. OPM is definitely subversive, but idk. It reminds me of how people who read "real literature" scoff at YA fiction as if there's no way it could ever tackle nuanced themes. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I guess I just dont wanna think of ONE as being so petty and snobby. What do you think? Maybe i'm too sensitive

Talk about a late, late reply. Sorry!

It's a good observation. I'm not the right person to talk about shonen in detail because I tend to dip in and out of individual titles so there's a lot of nuance I do miss, but you're right, people who dislike a genre tend to lump all its tropes together into an undifferentiated mass.

A slight digression as I introduce you to Boulet, a fantastic French comic strip artist, has a splendid comic collection online (https://english.bouletcorp.com/). Sadly, I'm unable to find the specific strip I have in mind but in it he's imagining how vastly different films would feel if you just kept the camera rolling a little longer. So we get to the aftermath of the Ewoks's victory and see these cute critters dragging the corpses of the Stormtroopers away, mocking some of them... really changes the feel of it. The thing that's different about ONE's handling of shonen tropes in One-Punch Man isn't that he deconstructs them per say -- he loves shonen stories and really has put a lot of thought into how they work -- it's that he keeps the camera rolling. What happens then? So what? What happens as a result? And then? That's what makes it feel like a deconstruction and also serves as the springboard for its seinen genre...

More seriously though, One-Punch Man isn't a parody at its heart: it has a lot of parodic elements but its focus isn't a genre -- it's got bigger things to tackle. ONE does remind me of Terry Pratchett in a way: the Discworld series may have started out as parodies of common fantasy tropes but they quickly outgrew that purpose and the stories became much richer explorations of various aspects of human nature, all while staying fantastic and funny.

I tend to say that ONE parodies heroes -- he loves the weird, contradictory, earnest people who step forward when everyone else avoids trouble and there's a lot of affection for them even as he pokes fun at some of the silliness the superhero genre has thrown up. He satirises corporate culture, and there's a lot of horror that's just put out there without comment for the smart reader to notice and piece together.

It does get annoying when there's fans who claim it can all be understood at a high level and that it needs must be a zero-sum game: if you like OPM, you must disparage the 'standard shonen'. Fortunately, one can simply... ignore the fools. I know I do!

Life is short. You won't stay young forever -- unproductive discourse is something to cut hard and early out of one's life!

[redsaurrce]

Hehehehe come here tiger 🥵💋🦁

WHOOOP you are back! How was your week Sweets? I hope your week isn’t too hard on you! ☺️

Ahhh maybe I have to get the courage to dm you with my acc? Hmmmmm 🤪🤔

Yes that is what I have been doing ^^ But I have so much to tell and just no idea how to express it big sigh but maybe I am just being too hard on myself haha. At the moment I am just giving myself time to build a start to the story and give a good number of details without it being too much, trying to keep it on point 🤦🏼‍♀️

You do?! Like I feel so sorry for the authors because they put so much work into their creations but sometimes I just cannot get into it? Especially if the style of story telling doesn’t speak to me… You def improved even tho I think you did well on Part 1 too. Like really well hehehe 💗💓💝💖💕💞

Lmao you are WAAAAAAYYYYY more adorable than me!!! Heheheheh if you want it to be it is 🥰😚

Gimme that hug! I loooooove them!!!! Well trespassing would imply you are an unwanted guest? But you are not so heheh no trespassing but anyway I could never push you away

HAHAHAHAHAH booking dot com? Nooooooo my pocket 😋

You better stay in my pocket to! Protect at all costs 😈

Why would I be intimidated? YOU ARE SO CUTE HOW COULD I EVERRRRR WHAT!!!! Nopeee I won 💜🩵💙💚💛

lmao I thought maybe you are like nahhhh no good then you could have deleted it and forgotten about it 😅

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Yeah Freya has the ability to use fire but it is not the only type she can use ^^ She doesn’t know about her connection to a dragon, those fairytales are told to children but are just tales. Right…?

Well JK will be very… attached to her when he learns about her and who she is. The things he will do to keep her…. Tststs evil evil man... But he is doing it out of love right???

Lmao I even made a map for everything and stuff ah man 😅

- Y 💜

Hi hi caramel (ooohhh i like the tiger 🐯 rawrrr)yeah my week's been great luv, except yesterday I was sleepy throughout the day lol

Yeah why not caramel? Why need courage when u already have my love 😩😩

Take it slow kitten, don't be too hard on yourself, good writers didn't write their best stories on day 1, they just went the with the flow.. kept writing more and their stories became better and better on their own. It's literally absolutely fine to be at your own pace 💗

Ohh haha thankyou tho, I'll take the compliment 🥺💖💖 and dw caramel, it's not just u, it's quite universal to think like that ..including me, and maybe thats why i dropped a lot of novels because i just couldnt get into the writing style, i feel like if there are a lot of complex vocabulary or the beginning is getting dragged too much, Idk I just drop it. It doesn't happen with me only for stories but tv shows like kdramas as well, I am an avid kdrama fan but even though sometimes there are dramas which have literally highest ratings, I have dropped them because I just couldn't get into them (for example, our blues and my liberation notes despite knowing the fact how majority of people liked them while they were airing and even though both dramas had excellent cast, i couldnt feel the same)

Why? Because my preferences are different and so are for others, so don't feel sorry for not feeling it caramel, I'm sure other people who like those authors' styles will love their works ❤️

NOOOO STAWPPHHH JSJSJSSJJSKSKSSK yep I'm chilling in yo pocket 🤪✌️

Ayooo then take the huggie buddy 😘😘

THANKYOU LOLOL because I have seen people online say that they have thought I was intimidating at first but when they got to know me, they said that I've been the biggest crackhead they have ever met 😹😹😹 (ig being ENFP speaks for it 💀)

No no I'm really enjoying it luv!! Don't you dare say that or this tiger will bite you 🐯 🐾 /j

Ahhhh yeahhh I guessed it correct woo-hoo!! Yea alllll the fictional fairytales.. . 😏

Hihihi the evil evil man looked funny to me hahahaha ,,, yeah "love" tch 🥴 every yandere ever! *smh*

Ohhh I'd love to see the mapped out thing caramel, if you want you might show it 🥰🥰

[rogeriswater]

Don't Leave Me Now

xxv

This work contains fictionalized versions of real events and people. Most details won’t be accurate to real life.

tags for this chapter: some sexually explicit language, jealous roger

July, 1968

~m.r~

We've been back in America as part of our tour. As of right now, we were in New York City. We were slated to be here for three days. Ronnie was excited about being back in New York. It was where she lived for five years and met Sandy. Right now, we were getting settled into our hotel. As always, I was with my sister. I wanted to room with Roger, but it would've been too suspicious. So he was stuck with David for now.

"I wish Sandy could be here" Ronnie sadly said. I knew she was missing her. It was clear that Ronnie cared about Sandy so much. "Hey, do you think maybe next tour, she could come along?"

We had a no spouses allowed rule when it came to this tour. That included the crew as well, and Ronnie was technically part of the crew, being our photographer. "I could definitely ask Rourkie about it"

Ronnie hugged me and then kissed me on the cheek. "You're the best sister anyone could ever ask for, pup!" Something in the room caught Ronnie's attention. "Hey, they have a record player in here!"

She immediately went to go snoop through some of the records they had. I grabbed my carton of cigarettes and stepped out into the balcony. I leaned against the railing as I smoked my cigarette. I watched all of the people passing below me. Most of them were couples. Some young and some old.

I wasn't alone for very much longer as my sister had come out to join me. "What are you thinking about, pup?" She asked me.

"Do you think I'm really in love with Roger?" I spoke my mind. "Or am I just desperate for attention that Billy's been depriving me of lately?"

"What is your heart telling you?" She asked me, playing the wise older sister card.

"I want to believe that a man other than my husband loves me" I confessed. "But another part of me believes that Roger is just bluffing when he tells me he loves me. That this is just some fun to keep each other satisfied when we're on tour. He's going to marry Judy and then that'll be the end of us"

"So you think Roger is just using you for his own personal gain?" Ronnie grabbed my shoulders and turned me around so that I was looking at her. "No man would look at you the way Roger does if he wasn't in love with you"

That eased me a little bit. We heard a knocking at our door. I stayed out on the balcony while Ronnie went to go answer it. I heard Roger's voice. The two of them talked for a minute before I heard his footsteps approaching the balcony. Two arms wrapped around my waist and I was being pulled against his broad body. We didn't need to talk. We just enjoyed each other's company.

I looked up at him to admire him. He was incredibly beautiful, even if he couldn't see it. But considering how many times he's been cheated on, it really does make you doubt yourself. I wouldn't understand that though, as Billy has never cheated on me. Still, I see something in Roger, not just in appearance but for who he is as a person. And Judy must see something too because she keeps pressing him on about marriage.

Roger caught me gazing as he had called me out on it. "Have I got something on my face?"

"No, I just like looking at you" I told him. "You're beautiful"

Roger held me tighter, if it was even possible, and then he buried his face into my neck. "I love you" He said. He grabbed my hair and pushed it out of the way. "I love you" He repeated. His lips touched my neck. I shuddered at the feel. "I love you" He kissed at my neck and started sucking. He was gonna mark me. He shouldn't, but I couldn't stop him. It felt too good.

"Roger, you can't—ah!—can't leave a mark.." I weakly told him. Fuck, I didn't think having your neck kissed like this could feel so good.

"If I can't put a ring on your finger, I need some other way to show everyone you're mine" He muttered possessively. Why was it so hot when he was possessive like that? He continued to kiss and suck at my neck until he was satisfied with the mark he left. He ran his finger against that particular spot. "Do you want to see it, darling?" He sounded pleased with himself.

"Roger, it better not be big!" I ran back inside and I went to look in the mirror. The love bite he left was darker and bigger than I was expecting it to be. "Roger, how the hell am I supposed to cover this up?" I scolded him.

"I was hoping that you wouldn't"

"Roger, I'm serious. People are gonna see it and get suspicious"

"Alright, calm down" Roger removed the scarf that was on his neck and he wrapped it around my own. "There you go" I looked in the mirror again. His scarf had managed to hide the love bite. I was relieved about that at least. I watched him in the mirror as he grabbed one of my cigarettes and lit it. He noticed me watching him and made eye contact with me through the mirror. "When we fuck tonight, you should wear the scarf"

"Bold of you to assume that we're gonna fuck in the first place" I teased him.

"We've fucked every night after every show, darling. I'd be more surprised if we didn't tonight"

"I'm surprised you haven't gotten me pregnant yet" I brought up. We were already cutting it close by not using a condom every time. One of these days, I was gonna end up pregnant all because Roger wouldn't pull out in time. "Maybe we should start using a condom" I could see Roger was a little disappointed with my suggestion. "Look at it this way, if you wear the condom, you can cum inside of me technically"

"Darling, you're making my cock hard" He groaned. I saw him rubbing his erection through his pants.

I bit my lip as I watched him. "I can see that"

His hand went to his zipper and he was about to pull it down when a knock on the door stopped him. He cursed as I went over to the door. "Who is it?" I called.

"It's me!" I heard Rourkie's voice.

"Oh, shit" Roger muttered. He wasn't supposed to be here right now, and if Steve caught him in here with me, we'd both be in shit. Roger quickly went to go hide in mine and Ronnie's bathroom.

Once it was safe, I opened the door. "Hi Rourkie!" I greeted him.

"Maggie" Steve smiled at me. He stepped inside and sat down on the bed. "You and Ronnie settled in okay?"

"We are, thank you" Steve looked around, probably wondering where Ronnie was. "She went for a walk"

Steve nodded. "And where is Roger?"

"Why do you think I know where he is?"

"Well, you two are always hanging around with each other" Steve shrugged. "Just thought you might know"

"If I see him, I'll let him know you were looking for him"

"Actually, let him know rehearsal is in three hours" Steve said. He got up to leave the room, patting me on the shoulder as he walked by me.

When Steve was gone, I walked over to the bathroom door. "Rog, he's gone. You can come out now"

As soon as I opened the door, Roger's lips were on mine. It nearly knocked me off of my feet but there was no way I was gonna fall with Roger's arms around my waist. When he pulled away, he looked at me with those lustful eyes. "Take your clothes off and get on the bed"

"What?"

"We've got three hours and I've got a hard cock" Roger grasped my jaw. The forcefulness of it turned me on. "Now take your fucking clothes off and get on the damn bed" I was about to start undressing when he stopped me. "But, darling, leave the scarf on"

...

I was feeling rather good by the time rehearsal rolled around. Maybe it was because Roger had fucked my brains out and made me cum three times. We went through all the songs at least once, while both Steve and Ronnie watched us from the front row in the audience.

Rick had needed me for something so I was sitting over at his keyboard with him. He was teaching me how to play. "So then, you're gonna press your fingers down on these keys" Rick guided me. He showed me what keys to play. When he was done, he took his hands away. "Now you play what I just played" I played what Rick had showed me, which was just a simple little melody. We both cheered when I copied it perfectly. "You're a natural!" He told me.

"Thank you!" I smiled.

"Are you sure you're not a musician?" He joked, bumping his shoulder with mine. He made me laugh again. When I looked up, my eyes met Roger's. He winked at me, making me blush and look down again. I don't think Rick had noticed though. "How's everything with Billy?" He asked me.

I tensed hearing him ask me about him. I faked a smile as I looked at Rick. "Billy and I are fine"

"That's good" He said, returning the smile.

I noticed Roger making his way towards us. "Rick, do you mind if I borrow Mags?"

"Be my guest"

I stood up and followed Roger. He lead me over to a part of the stage that was just out of view from everyone. The first thing he did, was move the scarf so that my love bite was visible to him. He smirked as he ran his thumb over it. "I should give you another one"

"Don't you dare!" I warned him. "It's bad enough I have to cover one up"

"I know you love it though, darling" He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me tight against him. "How many times?"

"How many times what?" I asked.

"Did you cum?"

"Three" Roger seemed pleased with my answer. His hand moved to grope my ass. "Why do you want to know?"

"I just want to make sure I'm being a generous lover is all"

I smiled and cupped his face. "You are the best lover I've had"

"Hopefully the only one you'll ever have, yeah?" He grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently. "I mean it, darling. I don't think I could stand to see you with someone else. It's already bad enough when I see you with him" I knew the him was referring to Billy. "It hurts me"

"It's only you, Roger" I said. I closed my eyes when I felt his face close to mine. His nose brushed against my skin, close to my ear and I felt his hot breath on my neck. "I fucking swear"

Our moment was cut short when we heard footsteps coming towards us. "I think they're over here!" It was Nick's voice. Roger and I quickly stepped back from each other as he came into our view. "What is it with you two always sneaking off?"

"We're not always sneaking off" I said.

Nick snorted. "Sure, you aren't. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you two are—"

Roger interrupted him. "What is it you need, Nick?"

"Steve wants us to do one more run through" He informed us before leaving the two of us be.

"I think we can continue this later" I tried telling Roger. But he had other plans. He grabbed my face and kissed me. It was soft and gentle. I couldn't help but melt. I loved the affection he gave me, even if we did have to hide it.

When he pulled away from me, he still held my face in his hands. He smiled at me. "You're perfect, you know? Woman of my absolute fucking dreams" He let go of me. "Come on then, love" He went back onto the stage.

I stayed behind for a moment to compose myself. I didn't realize that I had started crying until I felt a tear run down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away. I don't know why I was crying. Perhaps it was because this was the first time I ever felt truly loved by a man and I was scared to let it go. But, I knew that Roger and I wouldn't last forever. As much as he told me he wanted it to.

I walked back out on the stage. I took my place at my microphone and grasped it. We rehearsed our set again and I had no doubt in my mind it would be another perfect show like always.

...

We returned to the hotel after the show. The plan for tonight was to go out and celebrate another successful show with some drinks. However, we all wanted to relax for a bit before we did so. Ronnie and I got to our room. She excused herself to use the bathroom, while I stared at the phone. I debated on calling Billy. My husband was probably expecting to hear from me, as I promised I would call him after every show. I sighed, picking up the phone and dialing the number.

When the other line was picked up, I heard a voice I didn't expect to hear. "Hello?"

"Judy?" My eyebrows furrowed. "What are you doing there?"

"Hello Maggie" She greeted me. "Billy invited me over. With you and Roger gone, we both just needed some company"

"Oh"

"Would you like to talk to him? I can fetch him for you"

"No, that's fine. I just wanted to tell him that it was another great show"

"Alright then. If that's all, I'm going to let you go now" Just when I thought Judy was about to hang up, she spoke again. "Oh, and could you do me a favor and not tell Roger?" I didn't even get a chance to ask why before she hung up on me.

I just stared at the phone still in my hand, confused about what just happened. Ronnie emerged from the bathroom and she noticed. "What's wrong, pup?" She asked me.

"I tried calling Billy and do you know who answered the phone? Judy" I explained to her.

Ronnie's eyes widened. "As in Roger's girlfriend, Judy?"

"Yeah" I squeezed the phone in my hand, my knuckles turning white. Ronnie sat beside me on the bed. "You... you don't think there's anything going on between them, do you?"

"Don't tell me you're bothered by the idea" Ronnie scoffed.

"Why shouldn't I be!?" I snapped at her.

"Because you and Roger are doing the same thing!" She snapped back. "So what if Billy and Judy decide to indulge in their loneliness together?"

I can't believe she was saying it so casually. "You're telling me you wouldn't be devastated if you found out the man you've been married to for years was cheating on you with another woman?"

"It sounds like you still love him" Ronnie said. "But I know you don't, otherwise you wouldn't have fallen for Roger"

"That doesn't answer my question"

Ronnie sighed. "Of course, I'd be devastated. It would be hard not to be if you've been with someone as long as you've been with Billy"

"And there is something else. Judy told me not to tell Roger that she was there"

"Oh" Ronnie scratched at her head. "Yeah, that does seem a bit odd"

"Do I tell him?" I asked. "Every girlfriend he's had, they've ended up cheating on him"

Ronnie frowned. "Wow, I had no idea..." Of course she wouldn't. Nobody knows Roger the way that I do. "Maybe when we come back. Don't want to spoil a fun night"

"Yeah, you're right. But if Billy was cheating on me, I'd want to know" I saw Ronnie stiffen when I mentioned that. "What's wrong?" Before she could answer, there was a knock on our door. I went over to answer it, finding that it was Rick at the door.

"We're all ready if you two are" He told us. "We'll meet you downstairs in the lobby"

"Thanks, Rick. We'll be down shortly" Rick left, and Ronnie and I grabbed whatever belongings we needed. For me, it was important I had my cigarettes on me. When we were ready, we made our way down to the lobby. I immediately noticed Steve's absence. "Where's Rourkie?"

"He's trusting us on our own for the night" David explained. He reached into the pocket of his jacket, pulling out a big wad of cash. "But he did give us this!" He waved it around.

"Give me that!" Ronnie quickly snatched the wad and stuffed it in her purse. "You don't go waving cash like that around in a big city like this. I've witnessed one a few too many muggings"

"You've lived in New York before, right Ronnie?" Nick asked, throwing his arm over her shoulder. "You must know of a few clubs or two!"

Ronnie smirked, looking between all of us. "I know just the place"

...

Ronnie ended up taking us to this very lively nightclub. She chose this place specifically because it's where her and Sandy had their first date. We situated ourselves at a booth. I was squeezed in the very middle, right in between Roger and David.

"This is a nice place!" Rick shouted over the music and the rowdiness of the crowd.

Ronnie grinned. "I know, right! Sandy and I would come here every Saturday while we were living here" Since we all decided she was in charge of the money, she would be the one fetching our drinks tonight. We all told her what we wanted and she made her way to the bar.

Nick looked around. "Lots of pretty girls here, aren't there?" He mentioned.

"You, sir, are engaged" I reminded him.

"I meant we should find one for David. He is the only one of us who is single after all" Nick reached over to pat him on the shoulder.

David shook his head. "I don't need a girlfriend"

"Don't let your crush on Maggie stop you from getting laid" Nick said.

I giggled and I noticed David blushing, even in the low light. "I do not—" I could feel Roger tensing beside me.

"Hey, I think that one over there likes you!" Rick pointed at a woman sitting at a table with three of her friends. She was giggling and making eyes at David. He caught eyes with her and smiled.

The woman whispered something to her friends, and then she left her table. She walked over to us, smiling at the boys but giving me the dirtiest look possible. I just rolled my eyes. "My friends and I were wondering if you boys would like to join us" She asked. I knew that invitation clearly wasn't meant for me.

Rick, Nick, and David all looked at me, as if they needed my permission to go sit with some girls. "I don't know why you're waiting for permission from me. I'm not your mother" I told them. The three of them went to go join the girls but Roger stayed behind with me. "Not going to join them?"

"You know I'd rather sit with you" He told me, but I could see his eyes looking elsewhere. I followed his eyes and saw that they landed on a man.

"What's that poor man done to you, Rog?" I asked.

"He's been looking at you since you've walked in here" He said, irritation laced in his voice.

"How do you think I feel?" I asked him. I nodded over towards one of the friends of the girl who was making eyes at David. "Blondie over there has been pouting because you won't join her" He looked towards the girl. She smiled flirtatiously at him, but he couldn't be bothered. "I think you should go sit with her"

Roger looked at me like I was crazy. "Are you mad?"

"Not saying you have to fuck her. Just go sit with her and maybe dance with her a bit"

Roger sighed, rolling his eyes. "Fine, but I'm doing it for you" I could see he wanted to lean in and kiss me, but he refrained from doing so. He joined the boys and the girls. Blondie immediately reacted to Roger's presence, touching his arms and pushing her tits out.

I was left on my own, but I wasn't alone for long as someone had come to sit beside me. I looked and noticed it was the man Roger was glaring at. I must admit, he was handsome but nowhere near as handsome as Roger. "Hello" He greeted me.

"Hello" I smiled politely at him.

His eyes widened. "A British girl? What part of England are you from?"

"Well I was born in Surrey, but my current residence is in London"

"What brings you to New York?" He asked.

"You see those boys over there?" I nodded towards my bandmates. "I happen to be in a band with them. We're on tour"

"A beautiful British babe that happens to be in a band? Where have you been all my life?" The man scooted closer to me. "I'm Tony, by the way"

"Maggie" I gave him my name. I looked over to see if Roger had noticed, but he hadn't. Not that blondie would let him take his eyes off of her anyways. I had to admit, Tony seemed like a nice enough bloke to talk to, once I could get past the flirting.

"Hey, Maggie, where are the boys?" Ronnie had a tray of our drinks. "Tony? Oh my God!" She smiled at him.

"Ronnie!" Tony greeted her back. The two of them hugged.

"I see you've met my sister!"

Tony's eyes widened. "This is the Maggie you've been telling me about?"

"How do you two know each other?" I asked.

"Sandy and I were being harassed once but Tony came to our defence and punched the arsehole in the face" Ronnie explained. Both her and Tony laughed at the memory.

I smiled at that. "Well, anyone that's willing to defend my sister and her partner like that is okay with me"

Ronnie looked over her shoulder where she finally noticed. Blondie was practically in Roger's lap at that point. That wasn't the part that annoyed me. What annoyed me is that he didn't seem so bothered by it. His hand was resting comfortably on her lower back. Don't know why I'm bothered. I'm the one who encouraged him to go to her.

Ronnie let me and Tony be while she gave the boys their drinks. While Tony was talking, I kept watching Roger and blondie. Now he was whispering in her ear, and she was giggling, enjoying whatever he was saying. It made me angry. I grabbed Tony's hand. He seemed shocked, but happy at my action. "Do you want to dance?" I asked him.

"Sure!" He said. Tony and I stood up and made our way over to the dance floor. I had fun with him as we danced. Now, I wasn't interested in Tony either romantically or sexually but I could see us having a friendship. As Tony was spinning me, I caught sight of Roger making his way over to us, and he looked pissed.

"Excuse me mate, but what do you think you're doing?" Roger asked.

Tony blinked, clearly confused. "I'm sorry?"

Roger's fists clenched. "She's mine"

"Oh, I didn't—wait, are you Billy?"

"Don't even compare me to that arsehole" Roger seethed. Roger grabbed my wrist and pulled me aside, but he did it gently. "Maggie, how could you?" Even in the dim lighting, I could see his eyes tearing. "You promised you wouldn't cheat on me!"

"Tony and I were just dancing!" I explained. "Besides, you're the one who was getting too comfortable with blondie over there"

"I didn't want anything to do with her but you kept insisting that I sit with her" He grasped my face in his hands. "Fuck, Mags, you're the only one I want. And I want to be the only one you want"

"You are, Roger"

"Then divorce him" He sounded so pained when he said it. He sighed and shook his head. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I know, you still need time and I'm sorry, I just love you so much. I'm so scared of losing you" There was a difference when he told me he was scared of losing me, as opposed to when Billy told me the same. Roger's confession sounded genuine. He leaned in and I felt his hot breath on my lips.

"Roger, we're in public. You can't kiss me right now" I told him, despite how much I wanted him to.

"I don't give a shit" He said before his lips were clashing with mine. I tried pushing him away but it was no use. I melted into the deep and passionate kiss. When he pulled away, his forehead rested on mine and he grabbed my hands. "How about you dance with me instead, sunshine?"

"Of course I will" I said. We spent the rest of the night in the club just dancing and holding each other close. I wasn't sure if our bandmates had noticed our closeness, but at this point, I didn't really care. I had Roger in this moment.

...

Eventually we all made our way back to the hotel. David wound up bringing the girl he met from the club back with him. It was an awkward car ride as she kept glaring at me the whole time. Ronnie and I were getting ready for bed. She was in the bathroom brushing her teeth while I was sitting on my bed, combing out my hair. There was a knock on the door and I went to go answer it. It was Roger, wearing nothing but a pair of pajama pants that were hanging low on his waist. No matter how many times I've seen him without a shirt on, the sight of his body always made me blush.

"Sunshine, can I stay with you and Ronnie tonight?" He asked me. "David and his new friend are getting really friendly" He hinted. I let him in the room just as Ronnie walked out of the bathroom.

She stopped to look at Roger. "Jesus Christ, Roger. No wonder Maggie is into you"

"Ronnie, shut up!" I said. Roger couldn't help but laugh. God, his laugh. His laugh was beautiful. I looked at him again. He was beautiful. "Ronnie, is it alright if Roger stays with us tonight?"

"It's fine with me as long as you two don't end up fucking" She said.

Roger leaned in and purred in my ear. "No promises about that" He gave my ass a light smack before making his way to the bathroom.

I smiled, quite pleased with this whole situation. I sat back down on my bed while Ronnie got in hers. "Oh, pup, I hope it's okay but I gave Tony your phone number"

I blinked and looked at my sister. "What? Why?"

Ronnie frowned. "Because he seemed to really like you. And besides, you need more friends. Look, I'm not trying to set you two up, if that's what you think I'm trying to do. It just seemed like you two really hit it off. What's wrong, pup? I thought you liked him as well"

"I did, thank you" I said. I was sure Roger might have scared Tony off but I was wrong.

"Did you tell Roger about Ju--" Ronnie stopped herself when Roger came out of the bathroom. It fell silent as Roger climbed into bed with me. "Well goodnight, you two. I don't want to hear any moans or bed squeaking, alright?" Her lamp went out.

Roger reached and turned off the other lamp, leaving the room dark except for the moonlight peeking through the window's blinds. I turned so that I was facing my lover. The moonlight was hitting him perfectly, lighting up his eyes. His arm went around my waist and he pulled me against him, holding me close. I reached up to stroke his cheek. His eyes closed and he smiled. "Maggie Waters. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" He murmured tiredly.

"Sleep, my love" I cooed to him.

"Only if you'll be here when I wake up"

"I promise" I felt the lull of sleep overtake me as well. "Roger?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you"

"I love you too" I stared at him as he slept. I thought about what I was questioning myself earlier on in the day. Roger wasn't just using me for personal gain, and it was silly of me to think so. He genuinely loved me, dare I say more than Billy ever has. Eventually, slumber got the best of me. I wouldn't remember what I dreamt about that night. All I know is that it was one of my best nights of sleep because I was in Roger's arms.

[lesbian-in-leather]

Here's a couple more for the writing ask game! : 12, 25, 32

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

Okay FIRST OF ALL I think it's rude that I can't wish for more wishes, we all know I love loopholes. SECOND OF ALL this was really fun to think about, so here we go:

I'd wish for the ability to perfectly retain any and all information about my WIPs until I've written it down, at which point it can be stored with regular memories. How often have you had a great idea just as you're falling asleep, or in the shower, or just busy and don't have time to write it down, but by the time you actually can, it's left your head? Not a problem anymore

I'd wish that I can always think of the word I need. Not only does it stop annoying mid-flow thesaurus checks or ages of combing the internet because I know what I mean but I can't find it - but there are other applications too! Creating a fantasy language? No need for a translation document, I can just type out whatever shit I need and it'll be right. Get wrecked genie, two for the price of one and I didn't cheat so my WIPs are safe

And finally, I'd wish that I have the motivation to write whenever I have the time, so that all of my writing sessions will actually be productive (maybe I'd link this motivation to like. A specific word or something? Idk, I don't trust this genie not to mess with me here)

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

Okay so I know what I said in the last post, and I do over-plan, but also I try to include a lot of the random details because I much prefer reading and writing character driven stories, so like, the little details are usually relevant to something. Having said that, sometimes it's just a very short throwaway kinda relevance, or it's an extension of an actual plot point that doesn't come out until later. Although I do know some random stuff like, one OC constantly fidgets with her necklace without realising, and another one always wears a hoodie and messes with the zip because she likes the sound it makes. Sorry I feel like this wasn't as interesting as it could have been lmao

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc. that you return to time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

Okay I physically cannot pick just one, but know that there are also so many more that I could have said here (including but not limited to: all of the works I mentioned in the last post that I am deliberately not allowing myself to repeat). Because I've picked so many examples and you asked a former English student for analysis, I'm going to put them all under the cut and honestly I had so much fun thinking about this and writing out the analysis that I don't even mind if no one reads it lmao

Mentions of death and suicide (in relation to the fictional characters in the texts I'm talking about)

Poems

This Be The Verse, by Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. [...] Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself.

Technically I first heard this (or, the last stanza of it, at any rate) quoted in The End by Lemony Snicket, but I also studied the full poem when I did my A-Levels, and honestly the whole thing is absolutely incredible. It's such a beautiful poem, and I do think about the entire thing all the time (I have it memorised) but specifically the first two lines and the final stanza have always been my favourite. Something about the acknowledgment of how you can still be fucked up by your parents even if they didn't mean it really, really got to me (I wonder why haha), and the final stanza has such a bleak outlook on everything but... it also really resonated with me, especially at the time I first read the full poem. And even though I don't think like that anymore, and I now have a much more neutral or even positive outlook on humanity and human nature, this poem still holds such a crucial place in my heart, and I do think about it all the time

Ozymandias, by Percy Bysshe Shelley

My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings; Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair! Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Another one I have memorised - what initially started as GCSE work really stuck with me lmao. Again, the full poem gets me just as much, but this passage specifically... oh my god. As someone who has a genuine Issue in my head about being remembered after I’m gone, this poem really got to me. The fact that Ozymandias spent so much time and effort into ensuring he was remembered, and he got his wish... on a technicality. The idea that I can't control how I'm remembered, only what I do, and if I spend too long focusing on my legacy, then that's all that people will know about me... yeah, this poem got me fucked up

Novel

The End, Chapter Thirteen, by Lemony Snicket

“You're the one who made us orphans in the first place,” he [Klaus] said, uttering out loud for the first time a secret all three Baudelaires had kept in their hearts for almost as long as they could remember. Olaf closed his eyes for a moment, grimacing in pain, and then stared slowly at each of the three children in turn. “Is that what you think?” he said finally. “We know it,” Sunny said. “You don't know anything,” Count Olaf said. “You three children are the same as when I first laid eyes on you. You think you can triumph in this world with nothing more than a keen mind, a pile of books, and the occasional gourmet meal.” He poured one last gulp of cordial into his poisoned mouth before throwing the seashell into the sand. “You're just like your parents,” he said, and from the shore the children heard Kit Snicket moan. “You have to help Kit,” Violet said. “The baby is arriving.” “Kit?” Count Olaf asked, and in one swift gesture he grabbed an apple from the stockpot and took a savage bite. He chewed, wincing in pain, and the Baudelaires listened as his wheezing settled and the poisonous fungus was diluted by their parents' invention. He took another bite, and another, and then, with a horrible groan, the villain rose to his feet, and the children saw that his chest was soaked with blood. “You're hurt,” Klaus said. “I've been hurt before,”

Alright I know I don't shut up about asoue but here me out, okay? Similarly to the last post (because even though I'm not letting myself repeat passages, I can still repeat themes) I read this when I was like seven or eight, and it was, once again, one of the first times grey-morality was introduced to me. But, where Witches Abroad taught me that sometimes heroes don't want to be heroes and that villains might not think they're villains, The End taught me that even if a villain knows and embraces the fact they're a villain... that doesn't mean they're evil. Now, as an adult, I actively reject the 'Good Vs Evil' dichotomy, but as a kid, basically everything you're exposed to has the heroes always be Morally Correct while the villains are Entirely Evil (hell, even most media aimed at adults struggles with the concept of villains being terrible people while still being allowed to have redeeming qualities). And then I read this passage. I mean, the whole entire scene still makes me fucking sob, but I come back to this passage in particular over and over and over again. Because Olaf was fucking dying. He's tired, and he's been stabbed, and poisoned, and he was going to let himself die right then and there. He doesn't even deny the accusation that he killed the Baudelaire parents - what would be the point, when we all know that villains lie? No one would ever believe him - but that question in response is heartbreaking. He looks at these children that he's tormented for months on end, and just asks them, simply, if that's what they think. Like he can't quite believe they'd think so little of him. As if, suddenly, he's realising how they see him, how they've always seen him. Realising that, to them, he really is just a cartoon villain. And that death would have been sad enough. That death would have still stuck in my head, and I would still probably be talking about it now, if he'd died on the very next line. But he doesn't. He hears Kit's name and launches himself at the antidote, and the kids and the reader finally realise that he's bleeding out but he doesn't care. All he cares about it Kit, saving Kit, helping Kit, and it's so jarring. He's spent thirteen books not caring about anyone but himself, leaving even his own henchpeople in the dust when it suits him, but suddenly he's not only helping someone else, but disregarding his own wellbeing to help someone that's shown to be directly opposed to him. He helps someone that we, as a first time reader, assume to be his enemy, and he's so panicked at the thought that she's in danger, and so soft when he helps her. He's still the same man he's always been - but we now know that that man isn't evil, and he never was. He's cruel, and greedy, and selfish, and he cares. He loves someone else enough to die for her. He's hurt, but it doesn't matter to him as long as Kit's safe. He's been hurt before

Fanfic

Now, most of the time with fanfic what sticks in my head is a particular scene, or theme, or even just the feeling evoked by the entire work. Having said that, there are some notable exceptions to this rule (and, again, I’m only choosing two and not letting myself repeat any of the works I talked about in the last post) so I would like to draw attention to:

This Ficlet by @beatricebidelaire

Ernest sits down next to him. “When she [Violet] frowns,” he says in a low voice. “It’s almost as if I'm looking at him.” [Bertrand] Frank doesn’t turn his head. “I thought he always smiled when he’s talking to you.” “You say that as if those are the only times I ever looked at him,” Ernest replies.

Oh,,, the love in that sentence. I can't stop thinking about it. The fact that we can tell it was reciprocated - Ernest looked at Bertrand even when he didn't notice, but whenever Bertrand looked at him he was smiling, and everyone else saw it. OH I feel so many things. This is love, you know? That's what I want, and I love how gentle this quote is. How softly it's presented. Like a fact and a confession all at once

And then there's this fic by @jeromesqualor

And then, all of a sudden, he [Jacques] feels like he’s been hit by a freight train. The laughter stops, and he feels nothing but a strange, pleasant warmth, all over. This is the moment where he realises that he doesn’t want her [Esmé] to ever leave. This is the moment where he realises he’s completely, inconceivably, very inconveniently, fucked. [...] When he’s [Jacques] no longer able to sit straight, when he slumps against the bricks and his head lolls forward to press his forehead into the bars, he distantly hears her sharp, broken intake of breath. “It’s alright, Jacques,” she [Esmé] whispers, cutting through the haze, choked with tears. “It’s alright.”

I found this (predictably) by combing through the Esmé tag, and though it was for a ship I'd never really considered before, it is absolutely one that now consumes my thoughts. These two passages specifically, though, for very different reasons. The first one is such a soft, genuine way to present love and it's beautiful. A freight train that leaves him feeling a pleasant warmth. The fact that he isn't even necessarily happy about it, but the feeling is there all the same. It wasn't a choice, but it isn't bad, either. It's just... I don't know, that's love. Uncontrollable, unpredictable, sudden and slow all at once. And then there's the second section - ohhhhhh man. Because it's so clear that she loves him back - you can see it. But she had to do it - she had to poison him. And she knew he would die and it would be her fault, and it would have been so easy to present her as someone who doesn't care, but that's not true. She did what she thought had to be done, but the second she sees the result she breaks down. It's so out of character, but in a perfectly in-character way - it's something that feels so real, so right, but also something no one would ever expect from Esmé, and I think about it literally all the time

Etc. Plays

I know that usually plays aren't read, but I studied both of these and I've (tragically) never gotten the chance to see either of them performed (though I have seen a film adaptation of Streetcar, but I still read it first) so I'm saying they count

A Streetcar Named Desire, Tennessee Williams

BLANCHE [holding tight to the DOCTOR's arm]: Whoever you are—I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

Oh my god. Oh my god. This play, this whole entire play, is a masterpiece. But studying it in my class was much less fun than it should have been, because I was one of the only people in that room that liked Blanche, and I stand by that to this day. She is a beautifully written character. She's flawed, and selfish, and materialistic, and so, so fragile that she's already broken before the play has even begun. And it breaks my heart to see it. But this line. This line hurts. Because the Doctor she's clinging to so desperately is taking her away to an asylum. That's how her story ends. It's the last line she says before she leaves, and it's almost the end of the play. And after she's gone, almost everyone goes back to exactly how they were before she'd arrived, like she'd never even existed. And she's been hurt so many times - we learn about her past, and how she's been treated, and see how she's treated during the play. People - and especially men - are not kind to Blanche. And yet, after crying on the floor, being pinned to the ground while screaming and making "inhuman cries", she sees this man. This stranger. And, as an audience, we know what he's here to do. After this line they leave, arm-in-arm. And she's trusting him, she's relying on him to protect her. And he won't. We know he won't - but she doesn’t. She truly believes it. Over and over, she believes she'll be protected. Even after everything that she's seen, and done, and everything that's been done to her... Still, she depends on the kindness of strangers

Hedda Gabler, by Henrik Ibsen (translated by Michael Meyer)

TESMAN [runs to the doorway]: Hedda dear, please! Don't play dance music tonight! Think of Auntie Rena. And Eilert. HEDDA [puts her head through the curtains]: And Auntie Juju. And all the rest of them. From now on I'll be quiet. [She closes the curtains behind her]

This is another play I studied at A-Level (Drama, this time, instead of English), and while this isn't the last time Hedda talks, it is the last time we see her alive. And ever since I first read it, it's been bouncing around in my head. It's the understated way she disappears - and only a few lines later, she cuts herself off with a gunshot to her own head. It's the way everyone around her misunderstands her so thoroughly - her own husband thinks that mentioning the dead will get her on side, and no one thinks it odd that she brings up a woman she's repeatedly made it clear that she dislikes. As a reader or a member of the audience, you can see that she's realising there's no way out of her life - she can't divorce her husband, she might even be pregnant with his child. And she tells them that she’s going to end it - I'm sure, to her, she was making her intentions perfectly clear. "From now on I'll be quiet." It's so sad, and soft - especially when said by such an unpredictable character. And then her death is the culmination of everything she's been feeling throughout the play - the longing for beauty, because to her it is beautiful. And I think part of the reason it sticks with me so much is because I was the only one to see her that way in my class. Not everyone hated her (though a lot of them did), but no one else was sympathetic to her. I'm not saying she was a good person, but I did empathise, especially in a room of people all arguing that she deserved her fate

I apologise for the sheer amount I talked about all of those. And if you did read all of this rambling, thank you! I appreciate it, even if it might not have been particularly coherent

[youngestrunningleek]

The Coming of the Rats

Content warning: the book I'm reviewing today has a lot of sexual content.

Today I am reviewing The Coming of the Rats, by George H. Smith, published in 1961. It's a science fiction novel about a man surviving nuclear apocalypse.

Image description: The book's cover. It has a skinny blonde woman with her clothes being ripped off by hordes of red-eyed rats. It is 50 cents.

Before I go further, I will say that this book has a lot of sexual violence in it. It is treated badly. That's all I'll say in this review. Also, I'll be spoiling the end, but it's a bad book so don't feel too bad.

So, when I picked the book up (just the title was enough to get me excited) I knew what I was getting into. It was really funny. If you like this sort of thing, then this is the sort of thing you will like. I could write a thousand words taking down this long-dead author's sexism, but I'm not going to waste anyone's time.

Something that surprised me was that it's a near-future book. It takes place in 1963, and was published in 1961. I think of near futures as being a modern trend. Today, technology feels like it's advancing by leaps and bounds. It's easy to set science fiction just a few years from now. But Smith was doing this in the sixties. Early on, his protagonist explains why the year has to be 1963. I can't vouch for the accuracy of his calculations about the Russians' nuclear arsenal, but he clearly put some thought into it.

I find it kind of reassuring to read accounts from the Cold War. (It feels funny to use that name since it wasn't cold at all, for so many people.) I don't think people were wrong to be worried about the end of humanity, back then. But the world didn't burn. We live in scary times now. It's nice to know people were afraid the world would end, and it didn't happen.

One piece of evidence the book cites is that 90% of humans will die if exposed to 400-600 roentgens, and only 50% of rats will die if exposed to 825 roentgens. Again, citation is needed. In the text, it quickly becomes "rats can survive twice as much radiation as humans and live".

In reality, most of the book is set before the bombs fall, and very little of it is about rats. The protagonist spends the first part preparing and trying to convince Bettirose, his coworker, to go with him to his cave in the mountains. Once the bombs do fall,  he has some incidents with other survivors and prepares for the rat invasion. He sees the occasional rat and worries about them, but there's no horde until the last chapter. The vast majority is not really about rats. I guess that's a hazard of an older book. I'm used to covers talking about the first 10-20% of a book. But in this one, the rats are less of the premise and more like the climax.

Speaking of the climax, it was just fine. I'm obsessed with rats, and I was happy they finally showed up... but it was an awfully long wait for an average action scene. Something I would have liked to see is more description of the cats, dogs, and weasels the protagonist stores. Throughout the book he collects as many of them as he can, and they're useful in the end because they kill rats. But, compared to the detail given to farming and other preparations, there's never any description of the animals. They say the animals are taking up food, but how much? Dozens of animals are a lot of mouths to feed. And he never mentions taking the dogs for walks, or waste disposal. I'm not talking about animal welfare, I'm talking about them literally being able to survive. If you're going to have tens upon tens of weasels, dogs, and cats, you need to spend most of your time maintaining them. And there's never any description of that. Are they plants?

Also, the very ending is especially bad. It's hard to end a post-nuclear apocalypse story, but this is not the way. After waves upon waves of rats, there's a king rat. The protagonist kills it, and the rest scatter. Eyeroll. Then, there's a few paragraphs, maybe a page and a half, of thinking about the future. He knows the rats will come again, but he'll breed dogs, and make more preparations. That's the end. "I'm confident we'll be ready". Very weak.

If I was hard on this book, well, it's because it's bad. The sexism was really funny, until it stopped being funny. You don't need to read this one. My personal rating: 2.5 / 5 My overall rating: 1.5 / 5

[twillightteaparty]

Hi, I'm the anonymous from the previous order when the reader returned to your world, thanks for placing my order... If it's not asking too much, can I order part 2? What would happen after a few years the reader returning to the twisted wonderland to visit his friends along with his fiance or boyfriend. And with that visiting the too Yanderes! Azul, Malleus, Riddle and Vil.

Yandere! Reacting to Reader Returning to the twst Universe to visit friends, but now they're Engaged or dating someone (who is also visiting)!

friendly reminder that the Yandere trope should remain fictional, it's inherently toxic and bad. Please keep in mind that the following post contains or has mentions of/ or implies: murder, murder plots, violence, unhappy marriage, financial abuse, Abuse, kidnapping, torture, Manipulative behavior, body mutilation,

Azul

Azul had almost forgotten about them. almost. then they show back up, and are engaged/dating someone else no less. his blood boiled, anger inmessurable. but he covers it all up with the strongest and most pleasant businessman smile.

wouldn't it be a shame, if something tragic happened, to said significant other. like I don't know, them getting hit by a care something, or getting into a car crash or something. it would be d e e p l y unfortunate wouldn't it.

Yandere Azul plays the long game, definitely acts like he has no idea how this could have happened, and is there to support you and help you through such tragedy all while knowing full well he was behind their death.

now imagine being trapped in an unhappy marriage with Azul. I say unhappy marriage because this bastard will most certainly do everything to keep you trapped in a said marriage. anything from Finacial abuse to the first thing you think of when you hear the words abuse. it's just bad.

Malleus

Looks like waiting for once paid off, he didn't have to go off to go find them, which he was probably heavily considering despite any consequences that may have arisen from it. but it looks like they came back all their own, saving him so much struggle.

nope imagine the power flickers, you go from a get-together with friends or whatever, to an unknown place and room. your friends are left freaking out wondering where you went, maybe not for long because I'm sure malleus knows some spell to put them to sleep or just make them completely forget, up for debate.

Malleus will never tell you where you are because is a secret. he also insists that S/o is being well taken care of and there is no need to worry about them. but if the distant screams at night are anything to go by, no their not.

This is where you imagine how sucky it will be to be trapped in a tower, with no contact to the outside world, no friends to lean on or talk to. just you and the person that ripped you from your freedom and happiness.

Riddle

No Trey to save you from the Tyrant's wrath this time around. this dude just loses his god damn mind I'm telling you. like just whatever in his head that was keeping him, calm, collected, a decent person or whatever, just snaps gone, no remorse, not a care in the world.

I'd imagine all he saw was red and the next thing he knew you were both were in the confines of a place in which you are now in hiding. you get to live with the gory details of knowing riddle completely murdered your significant other, any witnesses, and then dragged you here against your will.

the manipulation is tenfold and just completely ridiculous, doing everything in his will for you to sympathize with him and not to cry. everything from being the sweetest thing on the planet a complete and utter act to being the rudest most condescending asshole on the planet.

I have nothing else to say on this one :/

Vil

Manipulation x 9000. I can just sense the amount of guilt trippy things and acts this man pulls the whole time. you'll be uncomfortable, your significant other will be uncomfortable. no one is having a good time.

It would be unfortunate if someone just so happened to spike the punch with something, wouldn't it? oh wait, Vil did that

you'd wake up in a dark basement of some kind. not only that but probably inside a cage or something along the lines of that. hope you didn't want your vocal cord to actually work or anything, Vil fucked them up really good, would really hate for you to I don't know talk back, complain, whine, why deal with all of that when you could I don't know not to deal with that?

Vil wouldn't be opposed to breaking or ruining other things, though he would like to avoid hurting your pretty face if he can. also yes Vill will be doing like literally everything for you, and like will withhold basic necessities from you if you have an attitude with him or something, its not very fun or cool or anything. it's creepy and uncomfortable

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they messed up once I don't see it happening a second time, once again please let the yandere trope stay fictional. it's not cute or romantic.

Signed, Admin Tea.