#1) you aren't going to get any better 2) they have spent years learning to read people and they can see you for who you are and 3) you won't

[trashycosmos]

can we talk about the funniest thing of the whole experience was someome who sb me for almost 10 months straight saying they were upset i wasn't nice/distant/cold and didn't apologize for it and when i called out their behavior there was no apology from them they just didn't want to talk anymore lol

[totallyveryallosexual]

I see a lot of people say that people self diagnose neurodivergence because it's "quirky" or cool or something, which shows a lack of understanding of self diagnosis that I would like to correct.

1. I personally do not think I have autism because I "saw a tiktok and related to it". I think I have autism because I fulfill the diagnostic criteria that I have looked into extensively. I have sensory difficulties. I get overwhelmed by sound, and light, and the wrong fucking texture un my clothes or food. I was made fun of my entire childhood for "taking things too seriously", and I took what people said at face value, because I took things far too literally. I spent my entire childhood figuring out how to act normal, how to say the right thing at the right time so I wouldn't be made fun of or excluded. I am extremely comforted by various types of stimming, but was punished as a child for anything considered fidgety or abnormal. I love biology, and can infodump to you about genetics (special interest) for hours. This is an interest that can be considered abnormal, and it has consumed most of my available brain space for many years. Also, every single autistic person I've ever met has clocked me in about five seconds and immediately told me I have autism. The truth is, people don't self-diagnose themselves with a highly stigmatized disorder unless it is seriously impacting their lives.

2. Autism, especially in girls and bipoc, is often missed. If they can learn to mask it, it doesn't get diagnosed. I got straight A's all throughout high school, and I had teachers tell me that they thought I had autism, but that it was probably fine because it didn't impact my academics or my life. Spoiler alert: it did! People think that when a seemingly functional person claims to have autism, they are hopping on a trend, but most of the time, they are suffering. I was depressed and sometimes suicidal before I figured out I had autism. I got called a psychopath for things that should have been recognized as symptoms of autism, and a lot of the time I believed it because I didn't have any other words for myself. Our society is shitty and if you aren't a little cis white boy, it's much harder to get diagnosed.

3. Diagnosis is expensive, and hard to access! A lot of people don't realize that it's a privilege! It costs a lot of money to get diagnosed, money that not everyone can afford. It's also hard to get a diagnosis because of social stigma, especially if you figure out you have some form of neurodivergence under the age of 18. I'm a month shy of being a legal adult, and I know that while I'm working towards it, it will be a while before I can get properly tested and diagnosed. My mother, who would scream if she ever saw me wearing noise cancelling headphones in public, is not going to help me get a diagnosis. My mother, who has thrown what can practically be considered temper tantrums over me stimming (literally just tapping my fingers against each other) is not going to help me get a diagnosis. The children of parents who aren't ready to give up their image of a perfect child and think autism can be wished away don't have the same access to diagnosis as the children of parents who are willing to work with them and contribute financially, and neither does any adult who has gotten through life alright but struggles financially because They Have A Disability!!!

In conclusion, don't shame people who diagnosed themselves. I absolutely think the end goal should always be to work toward a professional diagnosis, but that isn't always feasible for people, and we can't sit around slowly drowning in the meantime. If you are worried about self diagnosed people taking away resources: guess what, there are no resources!

Self-diagnosis shouldn't be quick. It comes after a long time spent diving through symptoms and diagnostic criteria. But it gives people without access to diagnosis the ability to nonetheless understand themselves better. For me, it means being able to say "I'm overstimulated, I'm going to find a quiet place" instead of sitting and suffering. It means being able to say "I'm going to sit on the floor instead of my desk, because that grounds me and stops me from spiralling". It means stimming when I'm overwhelmed, and stopping when I need to, all without shaming myself or thinking of myself as lesser for not being able to do things I was told I should be able to.

[zalrb]

I MUST REALLY LOVE MY FOLLOWERS - BRIDGETON 3.01 review

1. "Dearest gentle reader, did you miss me?" Me:

2. I'm not doing this recap.

3. I maintain that Nicola should be Belle in the next live action we'll eventually do.

4. Idk man, Kathony just feel SO unnatural.

5. MINI MOUSE MAN NEXT TO BIGGER MOUSE MAN

6. Who will be the prize of the season? And it's Colin?

7. All of these women are gorgeous and all of these men are like basic white bread. I -

8. I'm upset because this is supposed to do something for me

and it's resolutely not.

9. Oh please. Francesca looks like every other woman there.

10. Prudence is probably the only character I somewhat like. I think. She's the terrible one, right?

11. I might like that family the most because they're the schemers. They're actually DOING QUASI-INTERESRTING THINGS.

12. Colin is a fuck boy without fuck boy good looks. Please stop it.

13. And I'm not saying he's ugly. I am saying he's plain.

14. This is my problem with Bridgerton. It SHOULD be fun. And it's punishing.

15. Where the fuck is Edwina? I DON'T CARE ABOUT KATE.

16. They should shock us all and have Edwina come back and just murder everyone like Carrie.

17. Leave her alone, Colin.

18. I know the point of this season is Polin but I already know she deserves better.

19. GIVE ME MORE OF THE BICKERING SISTERS. They're terrible. I'm interested.

20. "Well that's your fault for marrying men without title!" But Prudence's man is one of the, like, two most good looking of them all, so you know.

21. OOOOOOOH IS PENELOPE GONNA WEAR LAVENDER NOW? THE COLOUR OF LOOOOOOOOVE.

22. Considering that I barely pay attention to this show, did Penelope do like irreparable damage to Eloise and her family for this fallout to be as serious as it's meant to be?

23. That's a genuine question.

24. This Kanthony love scene is ... awkward.

25. Kanthony? Kathony? Whichever. Whatever.

26. And even when he goes down on her I'm like idk, Outlander would like a word.

Someone is BANGING ON THE DOOR and Jamie does not stop until Claire orgasms, so.

27. So Penelope is basically "draw me like one of your French girls, Jack" but with clothes.

28. The one thing Bridgerton had going for it was the music and I'm not hearing any classical renditions of pop songs. What is the POINT?

29. This ball looks like every other ball in this show.

30. Oh, there's the music. abcdefu is a good choice for her, I do have to say the music choices are at least better than TSITP. She SHOULD be talking to Colin as it plays though.

31. I'm not sure why I hate him, I just do.

32. If she enjoys embroidery let her enjoy embroidery, Eloise. Don't "not like OTHER girls" them please. Jesus.

33. "D-do you all like to read?" I get it, Pen.

34. TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF. NOW. Isn't Francesca meant to have a chaperone? Isn't there a dance card or something? Aren't there RULES?

35. I'M ONLY 30 MINUTES IN?

36. Original Mouse Man, what are you doing? Aren't you a viscount with responsibilities?

37. "I expected conversation, I did not expect to be inspected--" then you weren't prepared at all for this. This is the ERA for that, should you not KNOW? WHAT?

38. Everything is muted and dramatic at the same time.

39. Oh, Kathony in another scene. Are they going to try and have sex?

40. Yes.

41. "I've already spent YEARS taking care of Edwina" I mean, did you?

42. "So why don't we put ourselves first for once?" I MEAN, DIDN'T YOU?

43. BRO, WHERE IS YOUR SISTER?

44. "We have our lives to be viscount and viscountess" man, pull a Downton Abbey and kill him.

45. "Think of the balls as..." You should've had this conversation BEFORE the ball.

46. "It pains me to see you upset." "Then perhaps you should not have come." Ha.

47. "and what I have learned is charmed can be taught" which is funny because Colin isn't charming no matter how much the show tries to convince me he is.

48. I suppose it's better than watching Theo James.

49. AND HE WILL FALL FOR HER DURING THE LESSONS.

50. The handshake is supposed to be a Moment and it's interesting because it's called attention to and yet also breezed by at the exact same time.

51. LOL what she wrote was SO TAME especially for a MAN in THIS society? "Is this new character the real him or is it a ploy for attention?" DAS IT??? Please be serious.

52. oooh drama, if he finds out who Lady Whistledown is, he'll destroy her life. It's just hard to think there are stakes when it's ... Colin.

DONE.

[buddiebuckley-diaz]

So here’s the list of my fav 911 quotes. I have it divided into seasons but sometimes the seasons blur together after watching them 100 times like I have so some quotes might be in the wrong season, if you notice this let me know!! Also if you have any other amazing quotes from the show PLEASE reply/reblog with them, I always love seeing great quotes from the show! (I also ah e not added any from the last couple episodes yet)

Season 1

When we take the uniform off at the end of the day, it symbolizes letting go of all the sad, crazy, inhumane things we've seen that day. -Athena

You never go beyond the glass doors. -Buck

He broke up with me, and he did not have my permission. -Abby

Sometimes the right kind of no is better than the wrong kind of yes. -Abby

I get to be the tough guy, but I also get to help people. -Buck

My family is everything to me. And there ain't no trouble from the inside, or evil from the outside that's going to tear it apart. -Athena

No one is good when it's personal. -Buck

Karma is a wild animal... And she won't be caged! -Hen

Season 2

Okay. You. You're my problem. - Buck

You can have my back any day. -Eddie

You wanted us to bond, we might end up real close. -Buck

We all feel pressure, but it's how we respond that matters. Pressure doesn't have to break us down. It can show us who we really are. -Maddie

The point is you can't trust people, only yourself. -Josh

My father's from Mexico. My mother's Swedish. I can help you out with the Swedish half but no one told me which half that is. -Eddie

Yeah but it's hard to know though right? If you're hanging on too long or giving up too soon. -Buck

We’re not the story. We’re just here to make sure no story ends before it should. -Buck

So maybe the greatest love stories aren't the ones that end in tragedies. Maybe they're the ones that start with a second chance. -Maddie

Standing in between you and anyone who thinks they can hurt you is exactly where I want to be standing. -Buck

Here's how you make it to the end of the day. You don't worry about the things that you can't do anything about. -Bobby

You want to be a hero, be the one who lives to tell the tale. -Athena

I'm real. You're real. We can be real together. -Athena

You don't find it, son. You make it. -Old Guy

Our parent's approval is something that we all crave. We just can't let it stop us from doing the right thing. -Athena

Don't be afraid to run. Be afraid to stay. -Officer

Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. -Chimney

Yeah, but this time he only got stabbed. -Hen

You want to be punished? Your punishment is that you lived. Now make it worth a damn. -Phil

I spent years not having a voice, and now that I do, it just feels like what I'm saying doesn't matter. -Maddie

You're a fool. But I love you, too. -Athena

Season 3

Where did all the water go? -Christopher

Buck, there's nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you. -Eddie

A few choice words can sometimes be the life raft that gets you home. To be seen… to be found… isn’t that what we’re all searching for? -Buck

I learned one thing from that tsunami; it's that I don't quit. I fight. -Buck

They’re my family, there’s nothing stronger than family. -Buck

You want me to watch Christopher? -Buck

It’s easy, he’s not very fast. -Eddie

Maybe try going to the zoo this time, something inland. -Eddie

Out there in this world, helping people, that is where I belong. -Buck

Because you’re exhausting, we all have our own problems but you don’t see us whining about it. You know somehow we just manage to suck it up. Why can’t you? -Eddie

You know how much Christopher misses you? How could you? You’re not around. -Eddie

No, it prevents me from reaching out to you! I couldn’t even call you to bail me outta jail… If that was something that happened. -Eddie

You know, Buck, someday you're gonna figure out when to stop pushing and learn some patience. I hope we're both alive to see it. -Bobby

I just want you to talk to me. Even if it's just to say that you're still mad. -Buck

There's no one right way to deal with trauma. -Frank

I killed someone I used to love. I will never be completely free of that. -Maddie

I get taking things slow. But tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. So if you love her, tell her. -Eddie

People make mistakes. Doesn’t mean you give up on ‘em. -Buck

Love me anyway! -Buck

You can’t save someone from themselves. Not if they don’t want it -Buck

Look I’m sorry I wasn’t there Eddie. You and Chris needed me and I had my head so far up my behind with that stupid lawsuit. -Buck

We’re way past that Buck. -Eddie

I’m not! -Buck

I should’ve been there. -Buck

I could’ve told you not to buy that truck. -Buck

Yeah you’d have talked me into buying something more expensive. -Eddie

At least be honest with me. -Buck

You don’t think, while you were going through your phase, just maybe you were throwing your punches at the wrong guy? -Buck

I’d still take you… wanna go for the title? -Buck

No matter what happens, I'm always gonna fight to come home to my family. -Eddie

You're always the one who leaves. You don't know what it's like to watch someone you love walk away. -Buck

But the thing about bad news. You never see it coming. -Bobby

Look, this moment is about you. It's not about what you're supposed to say. It should come from your heart. -Maddie

Season 4

So, let's try being scared together. -Chimney

You never give up. That's what being Buck means to me. But whatever you do, don't stop. -Athena

I have walked through fire every single day of my life because of you. -Buck

Nothing I ever did was good enough! -Buck

I have spent my entire life feeling like a constant disappointment. And you wanna talk about our jobs? You think my job is dangerous. I have walked through fire every single day of my life because of you. That is why I am in therapy because nothing I ever did was good enough! -Buck

You're allowed to give yourself some time, you know. To process. -Eddie

It's like the universe is screaming at you and you refuse to listen. -Buck

The universe does not scream. -Eddie

I know what it's like to be stuck inside the worst moment of your life. To be afraid to hope. To try again. -Bobby

Guess everyone has their breaking point. -Buck

Sometimes being lost is not knowing how to get from where we are to where we wanna be, where we need to be. -Buck

I am exactly like that woman. The day I forget that, that will be a very dangerous day. -Bobby

Hold on Eds -Buck

I need you to hold on. -Buck

You ok Buckley? -Captain Mehta

No. -Buck

I was just the guy standing there when it happened, who couldn’t do anything to protect him. -Buck

Still, I think it might have been better for him if I was the one who got shot. -Buck

Because, Evan, you came in here the other day and you said you thought it would have been better if it had been you who was shot. You act like you’re expendable… but you’re wrong. -Eddie

It's in my will, if I die, you become Christopher's legal guardian. -Eddie

That’s what the 118 is, the family we choose. -Eddie

Season 5

Let this be a lesson. Never give Buck a clipboard. Never. -Chimney

Stay focused. You get distracted and people die. -Buck

You just need to learn how to stand your ground. Bullies don't back down unless you make them. -Harry

Because you don't talk to the women you're dating. You just go with the flow and find yourself in a relationship, with no idea how you got there and what to do when things start to go wrong. -Bobby

You know me. I don't always listen. -Buck

You could be dead next year! -Chris

Buck, you need to move on. I have. -Eddie

I got out of the ocean for you. For both of you. But I had to stay here to learn to stop running. -Maddie

What are you afraid of? -Buck

That I’m never gonna feel normal again. -Eddie

I wonder how many other people we inadvertently saved by saving someone else. -Hen

This is Firefighter Eddie Diaz. Metro dispatch is on fire. -Eddie

And I don't want to keep on making the same mistakes. -Buck

Shouldn't it be when you're at your worst, they're at their worst, you have every reason to give up and you still decide you want to try again. -Buck

Season 6

Buck, you don't even have a couch. -Chris

Maybe I don’t want to pick the wrong couch again. -Buck

You're a great firefighter. When you're all in, nobody goes harder than you. -Bobby

Are you capable of being a father and walking away? -Hen

It’s 5 o’clock somewhere. -Buck

Buck! Where the hell are you going? -Eddie

[maxiebaxie]

Spotify Liked, a Journey

Hey, my name's Max :) Welcome to my blog!

I was never the sort of person to have super organized playlists on Spotify. A lot of people have a plethora of playlists, each designated to its own unique purpose. Whether it be a playlist called "Car Tunes" that features the top 80s hits perfect for going over the speed limit or a playlist called "Sleepy Times" that is full of lo-fi beats and sweet, sweet smooth jazz, everyone seems to have at least one playlist on their Spotify specifically curated for some purpose or other. Hell, I once had a friend that managed to have two UNIQUE playlists named "songs to cry to" AS WELL AS "songs for very sad days," both of which managed to feature completely different music.

Point is, some people are very organized, and I just could never get behind it.

I won't lie, it'd be very nice to have a handful of playlists that could meet my every need but it's just never been my style. Partly because I think it'd make me sad to split apart my beloved tunes but mostly because... I'm lazy. I didn't even know about the "queue" function until about a month ago and I've had Spotify for five years. Any time I want to listen to a bunch of songs that aren't on a featured album, I literally just manually enter each song every three minutes or so. It is tedious work, but I don't really mind. It would take too much time to enter a queue, and what if my mood changes halfway through the queue and I don't want to listen to those songs anymore! Too much hassle.

Instead, everything is just on one massive playlist, the "Liked Songs" playlist, and that playlist features literally every song I have ever discovered and loved (excluding whole albums, which I "like" separately). Since I got Spotify five years ago and learned about "liking" songs, I've liked 255 songs (as of 05/01/2023) and I keep all of them dear to my heart, even the ones I've completely outgrown and haven't listened to in ages. All of these songs mean something to me, and when I listen to any of them I am reminded of a strong memory or daydream that never seems to go away. To this day, I've never "unliked" a song so there is a very clear timeline of events in my music.

As I am currently finishing my senior year of high school, I've spent a lot of my recent time reflecting on the past four years and all the decisions I've made. The mistakes I've made, the things I never accomplished, the people I hurt. All my regrets. But also the positives! Like all the friends I've made, the opportunities I've taken advantage of, and the unforgettable moments I'll never unsee. Needless to say-- this blog is going to get juicy, because I've got a lot to say. Who doesn't love a healthy dose of spicy teen drama, and boy have I had my fair share! Since my "Liked Songs" playlist basically started end of 8th grade and I am starting this blog toward the end of 12th grade, you're going to get to see it all unfold.

I'm starting this blog to take you on a journey of my Spotify "Liked Songs" playlist. Whether you're here just for the story or for some excellent tunes, I'm sure you're going to look forward to my updates ;).

I am going to try to cover one song per day, one per blog entry. On each entry, I will score the song in two ways: 1) actual quality of song and 2) sentimental value of song. After that, I'll share whatever anecdotes I have about that particular song. A lot of my songs are attached to certain people, and not always in a good way. To preserve both my honor and these peoples' honor, I will be using fake names for anyone I refer to-- don't worry though, if I mention a person I will consistently use that nickname for them throughout the blog.

And here's one last thing I have to say:

I have not always done the best thing. Like all stupid, hormonal teenagers, I've said things and done things that I shouldn't have, and I like to think I know better now, but it doesn't change that things happen in high school. After all, have you ever heard of an adult saying they loved high school? It just doesn't happen. The anecdotes I share may not always paint me in a positive light, but I will try to be as honest as I can. I may talk about my thoughts and you as the reader may judge me as being in the wrong, and that's okay, because a lot of the time I have been. I'm still young and I have a lot to learn, and the people I refer to are in exactly the same boat as me. This is all just an exercise in reflection, and in five weeks I will be graduating and I will literally never see 99% of the people I refer to again in my life. It's all for fun!

So sit back and enjoy, and if you like my writing, consider listening to my songs. I have very good taste, if I do say so myself.

[pameler417]

Aspirations 10 Gen Challenge

I wanted to make a challenge! I'm sure something similar to this has been done, but not like this! Have a I sold you into continuing to read?

Edit: I quit making it. I was drawing too many similarities to not so berry and also got bored, which means it's probably not great!

[b]Basics:[/b] A generation challenge that brings you through some base game aspirations with a bit of story line to connect it all and some player's choice!

[b]Rules[/b]: Take on the aspiration, required trait(s), and job of each generation. No cheating the aspiration the rest is up to you! Don't "grow out" of required traits. The Gameplay Bonuses are to add some more details and options, but aren't required. The youngest child is the heir. [b]The goal is to complete the aspiration for each generation![/b]

[b]1: Love[/b] You just moved to a new town to start your new life. You're ready for any challenges starting this new life will throw your way, you just need the perfect person by your side! Who is ready to take on your dreams with you? [i][b]Aspiration: Soulmate[/b][/i] [b]Traits:[/b] Romantic, and two of the following: Ambitious, Self Assured, Over Achiever, Loyal, Out Going [b]Job:[/b] Writer :Journalist Branch -or- Business: Investor Branch Gameplay bonuses: Max 2 children. Always have a successful love day; always attend the romance festival.

2: Family Your parents had such a strong bond with each other and loved you dearly. You want the same thing, but bigger and better! You and your spouse are going to fill your house with love! That's what it's all about right? right? Aspiration: Big Happy Family Traits: Family oriented, neat, and one of the following: Cheerful, Good, Out Going Job: Stay At Home Parent to 5 children. When all children are "child" or older you may get a part-time job, do odd jobs, or have a free-lance career. Gameplay bonuses: Go to the park every Saturday; Attend all Youth Festivals; hold a toddler playdate; host big birthday parties; have kids in after school activities.

3: Nature You love your family, but it was a lot. You were never alone. Now, that's all you want. Just you and someplace to sit near the water. Aspiration: Angling Ace Traits: Loner, Loves the Outdoors, any third of your choosing. Job: Part-Time Fisherman Gameplay bonuses: It's up to you if you marry, but only have 1 child. Try to fish in every world, complete the fish collection, go on camping vacations, try to make ambrosia, cook fish for every meal, have more pets than people.

4: Food Your parent spent a lot of timing fishing...like a lot. So naturally you had lots of fish for dinner. Sure it was all different kinds, but years with only fish has prompted you to explore flavors and techniques. Aspiration: Master Chef & Grilled Cheese Traits: vegetarian (so sick of fish!), foodie, third of your choice. Job: Culinary career Gameplay bonuses: Max cooking, gourmet cooking, and baking skills; own a restaurant; earn gold on dinner, birthday, and house parties; have as many children as you'd like.

5: Athletic Your parent was always making the best food, and you loved every second of it! Talk about a happy childhood! You want to keep eating all the food and live a long life to be able to eat it all! Your body is your temple. Aspiration: Bodybuilder Traits: Glutton, Active, and either self-assured or ambitious Job: Secret Agent - Villain Branch (at least get to this choice for story purposes no need to max career) Children: have a large age gap between any children you choose to have Gameplay Bonuses: work part-time at fast food while a teen; max wellness skill; visit every gym; eat at all the food stalls

6: Mischief Somewhere down the line your parent's career took a turn and they became the villain. As the much younger sibling this villain life is all you learned. Now it's your turn to make it into the family business. Aspiration: Chief of Mischief Traits: Genius, Kleptomaniac; trait of your choice Job: Criminal- Oracle Branch Children: Have at least 2- one to become a Mob Boss and the other to be an International Smuggler(this should be the heir) for the family business! Gameplay bonuses: really play up the whole family crime business, channel your inner Godfather

7: Money Your family has gained quite the amount of wealth over these generations, some modestly, some in ways you'll never tell. You're trying to get your family out from under the mob and return to the wholesome roots of your family's founder, but you're not willing to give up your way of life. If you can just quietly let your family think you're an astronaut and build the home of your dreams everything will be put back right! Aspiration: Mansion Baron Traits: loyal; materialistic; third of your choice Job: Astronaut - International Smuggler

[stayevildarling]

Wilhemina Venable x Reader- When the time is right - Pt 3

Part 1, Part 2

word count: 5.3k

warnings: mention of scoliosis, feeling sick, dizziness, angst + fluff at the end

A/N: Part 3, Reader and Venable finally having the conversation that needs to take place and understanding and learning the truth about what happened.

Taglist:

@lunaticwhittaker, @billiebeanhoward, @mrsdeanhoward, @okpaulson, @in-cordelias-coven, @kenzbro, @twistedpoeticjustice, @minaslittleone, @vintagepaulson, @ninaahs, @whitelotus00, @httpfiftyshadesofgay, @talulahmae, @cordeliass

Tossing and turning in bed, you try and ignore the massive headache, responsible for your slightly blurred vision and the ringing in your ears. The last few days had been spent in bed, feeling awful as if some kind of force had rippled its way through your body, causing this exhaustion within you.

Maybe it was the flu or some similar infection your body was fighting at the moment or maybe it was caused by something entirely different. Maybe it had been the events of this past week, reuniting with Wilhemina randomly as if it was fate or the encounter with her just a day after. It had been a week since now, a week of fighting your way out of bed every morning, fighting your way to the office every day, pretending it didn't take its toll on you, pretending she wasn't still present in every single thought or dream. Your body gave up eventually, not managing to go in yesterday as it felt like you might pass out if you had to leave your bed. As a result, you called into work sick, feeling guilty as you usually would, always caring more about not letting others down and performing well.

Feeling the urge to use the bathroom, you slowly get out of bed, ignoring the blurry vision and sick feeling in your stomach. As you walk past the kitchen, you realize the feeling is probably due to the fact you had abandoned any thought of food or staying hydrated in the last few days, not feeling like it and at the same time not having enough energy to either. It feels like there is this source of pain in your body somewhere, near your chest area, causing this deep sadness within you. In the past, there had often been days like these, days you felt physically sick from the aching in your heart, the busy thoughts in your head causing throbbing pain that would keep you from performing well and giving it your best every single day.

As you stand by the sink, the cold water coming into contact with your shaky hands, you look up and your breath hitches a little at the reflection in the mirror. It's not the paleness of your skin, lacking any kind of light or color, or the bags under your eyes, a sign of the lack of sleep. It's the image of a broken girl, once a smile so bright it could fill the whole world and rid it of its ugly sides. All that vanished, pain taking over and grief, grief for a love you once felt and the feeling it gave you, sadness and loneliness and longing at the same time. Shaking the thoughts away, you slowly make your way back towards the bedroom, not planning to leave it for the rest of the day either, as you feel drained and tired. With shaky hands you reach for the bottle of water on your nightstand, letting the cool liquid run down your throat and at least soothe the dryness and hydrate your body a little.

Just as you are about to lie down, falling back into the same habit, curling up in bed, pulling the blanket over your head as if it could shield you from the outside world and harsh reality, you hear something. A quiet knock. For a second you debate whether you heard it wrong, after all, it must be late in the evening now, considering it was dark as you passed the window, the moonlight shining brightly and igniting the dark apartment. In your slightly dizzy and confused state, you slowly make your way out of bed again, thinking maybe it isn't actually evening and maybe early morning and it being the mail or your landlord. As you take slow and steady steps, ignoring the pain, you failed to acknowledge the indication who is waiting by your door. The tapping of a cane and a second impatient knock as you missed the first one, after being in the bathroom moments ago.

Opening the door, your eyes instantly close as the bright ceiling lights of the hallway blind you momentarily, still keeping you in the dark about who is standing in front of you. In fact, standing in front of you is the same woman that has been on your mind for the past two years, including the past week after reuniting with her and just moments ago, as you washed your hands. The redhead never quite left your mind in the first place, however, you never expected to see her again after your last interaction, let alone her standing by your apartment in the middle of the night.

''Y/N'' her voice startles you, causing your eyes to abruptly open, ignoring the pain the light causes and for your heart's beat to instantly pick up the pace, matching the woman standing in front of you, her own anxiety high, even though you could never tell as she wouldn't let anyone notice or in.

You scan her features, two hands balancing and at the same time gripping around her cane, her facial features stern and cold, matching her demeanor. She is wearing an alike outfit to the one you met her in last, although you can't fail to acknowledge the light purple tie. Your mind instantly wanders to many flashbacks, many mornings spent helping your ex-girlfriend getting ready for work and helping her with her tie as she used to look like a dork when doing it herself and you doing it for her in the end. Even though she learned it eventually, watching you do it every morning, it became your little habit, Wilhemina lovingly watching you as you helped her adjust the tie, the same little loving smile on her face and her brown eyes looking into your soul. You felt nervous every single time, averting her gaze as it caused your heart to beat uncontrollably and the butterflies in your stomach to show every single morning.

''Aren't you going to invite me in?'' her voice rips you out of your thoughts yet again, unable to react at first, as her presence and the fact she is standing right outside your door, comes as a shock, like a slap from reality.

Your throat goes dry, breath hitching slightly but you try and focus regardless. ''Of - of course'' you say, trying hard to get the words out, before opening the door a little further and letting her walk inside. Taking a step towards you, you take a step back, allowing her to enter your home.

The redhead scans your apartment for a moment, never having been here before and until about a week ago, having no idea you actually live in the same city. Internally scolding yourself, for not keeping the place tidy over the last few days, you lead the way into the living room and towards the sofa, knowing it's clean in there.

Wilhemina follows you, scanning every aspect of your home carefully, not allowing herself to smile at all the little details she had missed in her life for the time you had been separated. For instance, the little accessories and details, colors perfectly matching, furniture carefully picked, making the apartment cozy and comfortable. Wilhemina's thoughts wander to her own home these days, that same lightness and feeling of comfort lacking as it is entirely decorated in dark shades and hardly any personal details or additions, matching the feelings hidden deep beneath the woman's walls.

Suddenly, Wilhemina halts in the middle of the hallway, her eyes noticing the photo in the frame instantly. It's a portray of your side profile, laughing and smiling, overlooking a hill and suddenly the redhead gets hit by her own memories and emotions as she remembers that day so clearly, before everything had changed. She took you on a picnic to the park, as a surprise after getting promoted in the department you both worked in. She was so proud of you, insisting on taking you there and after seeing how you kept admiring the hill and talking about what a beautiful view it must be from up there, she ignored her back pain and walked up there with you. And it was worth it in the end, the view making up for the aching in her spine, you overlooking the city, the many buildings, and skylines as well as the river. However, no view could ever be better than the one right in front of her, you, her little sunshine at the time smiling brightly and causing for the redhead to feel the same familiar tingles in her heart, whenever she used to be near you.

''Wilhemina?'' this time you are the one startling her, pulling her out of her own thoughts as she snaps out of it, focussing her attention back onto you. For a second you thought you saw her eyes watering as if she was trying to fight tears but that couldn't be true. You point towards the sofa and explain ''Please sit, would you like some water?''. The redhead meets your gaze, nodding and you walk past her, making your way into the kitchen.

While the redhead sits down, inspecting your apartment a little further, you walk into the kitchen, still unsure whether this is a dream after all. Grabbing a tray, two glasses, and a bottle of water, you make your way back into the living room and for a moment you find yourself halting too. Looking at the redhead, sitting on your sofa, the moonlight shining through your apartment, the only light source other than the lamp in the corner. The white light ignites her features perfectly, her side profile looking perfect as ever, the darker hair and clothes long forgotten as her cheekbones, eyes, and mouth are so familiar. She seems familiar, yet at the same time so far away.

Snapping out of it, you walk over to her, not realizing that her presence is indeed causing your own anxiety to reach its peak point and only adding to the way you felt before she arrived. You set the tray down and pour two glasses, handing her one, trying to stop your hands from shaking. However, the redhead instantly notices, her eyes wandering from your hand holding the glass, to your face, only for the first time tonight noticing how pale you are.

''Y/N are you feeling quite alright?'' she asks, before retrieving the glass and setting it back down on the table. ''I heard you called in sick at work'' she explains, her voice now showing clear signs of concern.

At this moment it hits you, the question that never occurred to you when finding her in front of your own front door ''How does she know your address?''. Her statement only adds to your confusion, had she been at your work? did she call in to check on you? why is she here in the first place?. All these questions only add to your state, the pain in your head becoming more excruciating by the minute and black spots now clouding your vision.

''Sit down'' Wilhemina demands, being able to tell how unwell you are, after all, she had been the person caring and loving you for an entire year, not to mention knowing you before then. She quickly stands up, ignoring her back as she realizes your body just barely holding itself in place. Your fragile body gently collapses forward, your forehead hitting Wilhemina's shoulders, her hands instantly reaching for your arms, holding you in place. ''Y/N'' she repeats, the concern visible in her voice.

All you remember, before everything goes dark, is two hands steadily, grip around your arms, and helping you onto the sofa. Two hands, reaching for your legs and a soft fabric covering your body, before your head was met with a soft surface. As sleep finally consumes you, the exhaustion from the last few days finally coming to an ease as you sleep off the events, the redhead woman in your apartment is still there, not thinking of leaving you like this for a second. Wilhemina sits on the other end of the sofa, carefully watching over your fragile state and her heart breaking at seeing you in such distress.

As soon as she noticed, your breathing evening out and sleep consuming you, she breathes out, a breath she had been holding in for way too long as your distressed state caused concern in the usual stern and strong woman. Within the last week, Wilhemina had tried to forget about you, tried to ignore the fact you live and work in the same city, tried to forget about the memories you had brought back after being in her office twice and she tried to ignore the feelings seeing you again caused. However, she couldn't get you out of her mind, not when you first walked into Kineros Robotics with your boss, or the second time retrieving some files. That night she couldn't sleep one bit, your laughter still so present in her memory as well as the carefree times you two had experienced together.

At first, Wilhemina tried to remain strong, ignore the uncomfortable feeling in her chest and the scars that seemed to have opened when you waltzed right back into her life, the wounds that she caused herself when walking out of your life together, and the years of coldness patched together. However, after four days she couldn't stand the silence, hoping to see you at another meeting with Mr. Odell, only to be disappointed when his assistant showed up with him. She questioned it, trying to make it not obvious what her true reasoning for the question is and Mr. Odell didn't notice it either, simply explaining you only helped out on the case. After that encounter, Wilhemina fought a battle, the soft Mina begging her to just reach out, try and figure out your number or a way of contacting you, while the cold Wilhemina tried to stay harsh, pushing all the feelings back, ignoring the sleepless nights and the toll the situation had on her own body, specifically her back.

Ultimately, the soft Mina won, finally after many battles in the past, she returned, quite literally forcing herself to make the phone call to your workplace and ask for some information on you, whether it being your number or address. In the end, she spoke to your co-worker, and even though she was skeptical at first, she was also concerned about you not coming in, so she told Wilhemina the address, desperately hoping she didn't just give some stranger that piece of information. Wilhemina waited until today, not having the courage to show up, scared of her own emotions and walls she build up high, ever since the day she had walked out of your life. Your cries and begs have never left the redhead's memory, the pain in your voice and written across your entire face, you collapsing onto the floor, while she simply walked out, still causing this pain and mostly regret in the woman, currently sitting on your sofa.

You feel your eyes opening, a few hours later, your neck feeling a little stiff but a much more calmer feeling settling in your chest and stomach. The sun is slowly rising, causing your apartment to fill with both light and warmth. As you sit up a little, you realize that you haven't slept this peacefully and calmly in a long time, no nightmares coming to haunt you or the usual insomnia. Only realizing the reason for this as you see Wilhemina on the other end of the sofa, gently leaning against it, her eyes closed and chest rising and falling slowly. For a moment you melt, unable to believe she actually stayed all these hours with you, slowly the memories from last night coming back and you instantly worrying about her back, knowing this uncomfortable position must have hurt and cause her pain now. Despite everything that happened, you can't stand knowing Wilhemina would be in any kind of pain or discomfort because of you.

Feeling a little stronger, legs less weak and hands less shaky, you make your way into the kitchen to make some coffee. While the coffee machine is preparing the warm beverage for you and Wilhemina, you walk into the bathroom, quickly freshening up a little. As you walk back into the living room, two cups of coffee in your hand, Wilhemina is already awake, woken up by the sound of the coffee machine and at the same time the concern of you not being on the sofa anymore.

''Good morning'' you mumble, before handing her a cup of coffee and also some painkillers, knowing her pain must be bad and at the same time remembering she used to always take those ones in the morning. Her gaze meets yours, taking the coffee and looking at the two painkillers in your palms. ''Here go on, I um- know you might need these now'' you explain and walk over to the other side of the sofa again, two hands cupping around the coffee cup.

Wilhemina's eyes close for a second, taking a deep breath, unable to believe even after all of this time you would still remember her routines and caring enough to give her a painkiller or make her a coffee. You watch her closely, as you take a few sips from your own drink, as she swallows the pills and sets the coffee cup down afterward. There is silence for a moment, the painful kind, both of you wanting to say so many things but holding back at the same time. Taking all your courage, feeling a little barrier and wall broken after her staying with you last night, you try and touch the subject, knowing it won't be easy.

''I'm sorry for this'' you mumble, meeting her eyes and her brown orbs instantly lock with yours. ''Don't be ridiculous Y/N, you weren't feeling well, no need to apologize'' she replies. For a second you feel intimidated by her presence again, her voice sounding just a little harsher than you remembered it last night.

''Are you feeling better now?'' she asks, her eyes full of concern and hope and you find yourself melting yet again, witnessing these small moments with her, reminding you so much of your old Mina. ''Yes, much better, thank you'' you reply with a small smile that she almost returns before replying ''No need to thank me''.

You realize this version of the redhead is much like Wilhemina at the beginning, when you had met her at the office, insecure, not being able to take a compliment or anything nice being said to her and you still wonder what had happened, the reason for her leaving and also what made her change into this different person.

After some silence, you feel the urge to just ask and find out the reason, why she is currently sitting in your apartment, after thinking you might never see her again after the last interaction you had with her. ''M- Wilhemina? why did you come here last night?'' you blurt the question out, not being able to beat around the bush for much longer and just needing answers. Answers for questions that have been burnt into your mind for years, many months filled with laying awake at night, or randomly zoning out throughout the day, breaks in the park, sitting at your desk, wondering what went wrong and what you had possibly done to drive her away.

''I-'' she starts, her lips parting but no more words leaving her mouth for now. Silence fills your apartment yet again and this time you know it's not her not having anything to say or being too cold to find the right words, you practically watch the woman you had fallen in love with fighting this version build to protect herself and you know she won't open up without your help.

''Did my workplace give you my address? or have your stalker skills improved a little over the years?'' you joke, hoping the little reference might help to get her to open up a little, as you remember her often admiring how easily you could find out information about someone back then, simply by looking up their name on social media. Mina often had you do that with clients she was wary of or someone she wasn't particularly fond of to make fun of them.

''Your co-worker gave it to me'' she states but you do notice a little smile tucked on the corner of her mouth. ''Thought so'' you add, before Wilhemina's eyebrows furrow, confused how you aren't mad at her or terrified that she would go through such lengths just to see you.

''It's okay, I'm not mad or anything but Wilhemina why are you here?'' you ask, her insecurities visible in this moment. Her eyes lock with your own again, before she finally speaks up.

''I had to see you Y/N'' she explains, her voice filled with pain and for the first time since meeting her in this city again, she allows herself to be vulnerable around you.

You watch as she takes a deep breath, averting her gaze to look anywhere but your eyes as her whole face scrunches up, feeling guilty for the way things had ended and never having the intention to leave you in the first place. What you didn't know is that the reason for Wilhemina leaving you in the first place, walking out of the shared apartment on that dark day, was never you or anything you had said or done. She loved you so much, she allowed herself to feel love for the first time, never thinking one day anyone would walk into her life that would be able to make the redhead feel the emotions she felt when she met you. Wilhemina had never known about love, the love she felt for her parents and what they gave her in return, a very different kind of love, lacking empathy, kindness, and gentleness.

Her childhood was rough, often being told that what she was feeling wasn't valid, she wasn't allowed to feel pain, she wasn't allowed those doctor's appointments or medication for her back as she was only making it all up. Only after she ended up in the hospital one night after her parents ignored her cries and pleas for too long, they changed their mindset a little but the scars on Wilhemina's soul had never really left or healed. However, when you walked into her life, you showed her the things she had always missed, empathy always checking in on her, despite only being co-workers at the time, always kind and gentle with her, and appreciating every single part about her. You taught Wilhemina it's possible to be loved, you made her feel valid, like all of those confusing feelings and the pain was valid and okay to be voiced by her. You made her believe she could never be a burden or anything those voices and insecurities made her believe. However, there were still those days after she started dating you, the days where she tried to stay funny, kind with everyone, and loving with you even though the darkness inside her was killing her. She tried for so long and hard and she managed to fight it until there was one day, one day that changed everything and ended up resulting in her leaving just weeks after.

It was the day after an office party, you and Wilhemina attending together and after dating for a year at that point, not really caring about occasionally holding hands that night or being a bit more open, considering most people in the office knew regardless. However, one of the male co-workers just had to point it out on Wilhemina's way out, managing to catch her both off guard and on a vulnerable day, as both her back pain and her insecurities were very strong that day.

''Isn't she a bit young for you, after all, you could be her mother'' was all the words it needed. Hitting Wilhemina right in the feels and insecurities. After all, she had always been a bit skeptical of the age gap between you two but you often reassured her it's not a problem and age is only a number. She felt awful that day, not being able to dance with you at the office party properly, and even though you reassured her it was okay, she didn't believe it. The voices making her believe she could never be good enough for you, her scoliosis always being the problem in your relationship, and that you deserved someone better. She took about a week to make her mind up, knowing her leaving would break you as you had not only grown so fond of her but also knowing you needed her. However, Wilhemina came to realize the pain is worth it if it means setting you free and someone better coming along eventually.

''Why did you wanna see me Mina?'' you ask, freeing Wilhemina from her thoughts and sending her right back into reality, the reality of sitting in your living room. Her face is still guilty, not able to look at your face.

''I came to say that I'm sorry for how our last conversation ended'' she explains and this takes you by surprise. Your mind wanders to the last conversation at Kineros Robotics when you had to pick up some files and you remember leaving after it seemed like she had nothing left to say to you.

''It's okay, I had to get into work it's-'' you try and explain but the redhead meets your gaze and cuts you off. ''No Y/N.. I mean the last conversation a year back'' she clarifies, talking about the time she walked out and left without saying a single word other than her leaving you.

Tears instantly build-up, the emotions of that day present again as if it just happened yesterday. Wilhemina notices your smile fading and the pain in your eyes. The old Wilhemina feels the urge to walk over to you, hold you in her arms, and wipe those tears just like she would have done but at the same time not ready to fully lose her cover and facade just yet.

''Why did you leave me?'' you question, not able to hold back your own emotions, as tears run freely down your cheeks.

''I never meant to hurt you'' the redhead whispers, a genuine confession leaving her lips.

''Please answer my question Mina'' you beg, needing answers after all this time.

''What happened to you, you changed, you aren't you anymore'' the words leave your mind before you can even think about it.

At this moment Wilhemina fights the biggest battle with herself, the newer darker side, wishing to simply build her walls right back up and walk out of this situation and out of your life, letting you find someone else just like she always had intended but her coming here in the first place was an indication that the soft woman you had fallen in love with, is still in there and currently back, finally winning her inner battle after such a long time.

She retrieves her cane, standing up and for a moment you fear she will walk out, having offended her but instead she takes you by surprise yet again, walking closer to you and sitting on the same end of the sofa you are sitting in. Her hand wanders to your leg in a comforting manner, wanting nothing more than to dry your own tears as she hates seeing you in pain.

''You need to believe me, sweet girl, I never meant to cause you pain and walk out the way I did, there hasn't been a day where I didn't miss you'' she explains, opening up and not holding back on how she really feels anymore.

''But then why did you?'' you question, not able to believe it truly didn't have anything to do with you.

''Someone said something to me that got under my skin, I should have never let it affect me this much, affect us this much'' she adds and you lock eyes when hearing her last sentence.

''Us?'' you whisper, barely audible. Despite hoping and often thinking whether there was ever a right time again for you and Wilhemina to be together again, you never thought it could be true.

''My darling, I know things have changed, I have changed but I don't want to lose you again, now I want to take this slow, respect you and your feelings but please don't let me walk out again'' Wilhemina begs, taking you by surprise as now her own emotions are on this display, a tear running down her cheek.

You sit up a little more, moving closer to the woman in front of you, your hand moving to cup her cheek and wipe the tears, before halting for a moment as it feels so unnatural after all this time. Wilhemina closes her eyes ready to lean into your touch and that's when you ignore the voices and simply wipe her tears. She leans into your cheek, enjoying the warmth you radiate and internally grateful to still be able to feel around you.

The two of you spend moments, sitting there and comforting each other, wiping each other's tears and just looking at each other, so many things to say, not just things that had happened in each other's lives since being apart but also still so many feelings and thoughts needing to be exchanged. However, for now, you feel grateful, grateful to have some part of your Mina back, and even though things are uncertain for now, you know there is now a different ground and knowing maybe now the time is right after all.

''I would like that, taking it slow and figuring this out, figuring us out'' you explain after some comfortable silence and you find Wilhemina smiling, breathing out in relief and all the anxiety and nervous feelings about this conversation leaving the redhead.

A little smirk makes its way onto your features, feeling a little like teasing Wilhemina ''By the way, how did you know I wasn't already taken or married or something at this point?'' you joke, with a little smirk, hoping she won't take it the wrong way but knowing your Mina would appreciate and understand this sense of humor as you always communicated like that before.

Wilhemina smiles, no sign of insecurities or doubts in her features before replying ''Well maybe after all this time my stalker skills did improve and I may or may not have found that piece of information out'' she explains.

''Besides there is no ring on your finger'' she adds, making you smile yet again and things feeling so natural as if nothing ever changed in the first place.

The two of you chuckle, your eyes locking with hers as she looks at you with so much love and gratitude, just the way she would usually look at you, so grateful to be in your embrace, to be in the same room and alive at the same time as you.

For the first time in a long time, you feel complete and warm, no doubts, no questions about Wilhemina lingering on your mind as now finally you have some answers on what happened. Even though there are still things to be figured out, questions to be answered, conversations to be held, you two working on each other, at least you now know that you won't have to do it without the redhead anymore, and this time she didn't just walk out, this time she wouldn't as this time- the time is right.

[zukkaoru]

Top 5 comfort characters? <3

only five?? okay well let's see here,,

(in no particular order)

1. thalia grace (riordanverse)

literally she is everything to me. i formed an unhealthy emotional attachment to her from the moment i met her at the end of sea of monsters and it has not gone away. my username on my personal instagram account was literally thalia.grace._ until partway through high school. when my friends and i were in middle school, we assigned each other fictional characters from the riordanverse that we would be and i was thalia because she was my favorite. i simply adore her. if i'm asked for my top fictional character of all time, i always default to her bc she's been everything to me since i was ten years old (wait i just realized that's literally half my life what the frick)

2. robin hood (once upon a time)

there's just something about characters who deserve so much more than what they're given that makes me attach myself to them. and there's something about the way that he looked past regina's flaws and her dark past and loved her anyways. the way he was selfless and kind and loyal. the way he poured himself out into everyone he ever loved so much that he might have lost who he was in the process. the way that he helped me through one of the roughest parts of my life from beyond the grave. literally he deserved so much better and if i think about it for too long i will scream and tear my hair out

3. cherry blossom / kaoru sakurayashiki (sk8 the infinity)

he's my baby my partner my father my mother my poor little meow meow-- no okay but seriously i love cherry too much for it to be healthy. i have never felt as much gender envy as i do whenever i see him. it's about hiding your emotions under false apathy bc you can't get hurt if you don't let anyone close enough to hurt you. it's about hardly ever letting anyone close enough to see the real you. it's about losing yourself in the personas you display for other people to the point where you don't even know who the real you is. why do i love so many characters with identity issues. but it's also about feeling the betrayal of the full swing kiss deep in my chest because yeah. i get it. i get putting your trust into someone who made you empty promises because you were young and naïve only for them to turn on you and say you aren't worth their time. it's about learning that closure comes in many forms and sometimes, you have to teach yourself to be okay with what you got. it's about finding the people who are willing to put in the work it takes to break your walls down and who aren't scared away by the defense mechanisms you've spent years perfecting. it's about slowly but surely allowing yourself to open up to love again. i just. i have a lot of feelings

4. zuko & mai (avatar: the last airbender)

they come together because they're besties. also bc i can't choose one over the other and i have one more character i need to do for 5. but anyways. it's about learning to love who you are despite being raised in a society that told you you could never be lovable unless you managed to conform to their impossible standards. it's about learning to stop trying to reach that love you can never win and instead living your truth. for zuko, it's about overcoming the cycle of hatred you've been taught and raised in. for mai, it's about needing to look like you don't care because you've been taught caring (or expressing any emotion, for that matter) is bad. and it's about finding the people who love you for who you are instead of who they think you could be.

5. simon saunders (rise)

oh boy. oh boy. you know when you start watching a tv show or reading a book or whatever, and for the first time in your life, you see a character who is just. you? yeah. that was me with simon. the religious guilt over your sexuality? struggling with what you believe vs what you want to believe? wanting to go after love but being terrified of your parents' reactions and God's reaction and not knowing whether or not you believe the love you want is sinful? yeah. yeah. simon was the first character i came into contact with who fully and entirely resonated with me, down to the bone, into my soul, so deeply it hurt. wherever he is now, i hope he's doing well

[explorerspack]

my dnd characters ranked by how well they can cook:

1. Elodie. This girl could somehow produce a filling and delicious meal out of three carrots and a twig, and probably has. Divinity is a kitchen table with everyone she knows around it and the smell of fresh bread and soup in the air.

2. Rowan. She really loves good, rich, delicious food, and she wasn't about to give that up just because she'd been exiled, so she had to learn to cook and had 300 years to do so. She really delights in learning new techniques and recipes from everywhere she traveled to and is very precise and fancy about what she does, everything she makes looks gorgeous and tastes good too. Her dinner parties were famous.

3. Sinead. They're less comfortable in a kitchen than they are in a forge but honestly, the two aren't that different! In both you're in a warm room using fire to create something useful. Her food tends to be simple but delicious and made with a lot of love.

4. Kara. In a surprise to most people who know them, they're actually a very good cook--similar to Rowan, she incorporates techniques and ingredients from the dozens of planes she's been to, and excels at a precise balance of flavors. They simply don't get the chance or care to cook anything more than simple food very often, but when she does it's delicious.

5. Liss. After spending the first fifteen years of her life eating very bland food, she loves to cook, and does it every chance she gets. She's gotten pretty good, but loses points because she loves sensations and doesn't really do "moderation"--everything she makes is SO salty, or so sour, or spicy enough to make your eyes run, or so sweet that most people can only manage a couple bites. Amos always ate all of it, though.

6. Cerise. She doesn't have any particular knack for it, but she learned from her mom and from others in the village. She had to figure it out to make sure she and Elliot were fed, and so she did! She would really like to get a chance to cook again soon.

7. Bird. She'll be like "yeah I'm a great cook" and then hand you literally just a rabbit on a stick. It will be a good rabbit, though, if perhaps a little undercooked.

8. Alita. This is simply not a skill she excels in, but she makes up for it in enthusiasm. Generally, though, Victoria or Imaz end up taking over and pushing her out of the kitchen to go set the table and get everyone together for dinner, which she's much better at.

9. Charisma. Presentation is there, taste is entirely absent, she has no cooking instincts whatsoever and has never had to learn. She can kill it with a fruit plate or charcuterie board, though.

10. Sparrow. Lack of experience and instinct both working against her here, but she's patient and careful enough to follow a recipe and manage something edible, if uncreative, in a pinch. Just generally doesn't bother, she doesn't really care about food beyond a source of nourishment.

11. Jess. She's certainly spent enough time in kitchens and should theoretically be good at it but she always gets either overconfident or distracted, fucks something up, has no idea where she went wrong, and refuses to admit that there was an error as she enthusiastically eats whatever she made.

12. Arcis. I think she's maybe never set foot in a kitchen and frankly she shouldn't. She'd insist that she followed the recipe meticulously and perfectly but it would still somehow taste terrible and she'd be angry about it.

[snifflesthemouse]

I'm still rather new to Tumblr. While I've clearly displayed my ability to post my ramblings, I'm still figuring out the other various features of this platform. For the sake of reference, I have posted a screenshot below.

While I completely agree with @youhavebeenmarkled that it's grossly inappropriate to suggest Catherine, the future Queen Consort, is a drug addict... I want to add to the discussion and further develop why the concept of Catherine microdosing heroin is entirely ignorant.

@youhavebeenmarkled mentions several excellent points as to why the concept is ridiculous; from genetics to muscle tone and more. But there's deeper reasons why this idea of Catherine being on heroin is so far from the truth and reality, it's out of this world. Some could even argue it sounds like a page from a Hollywood script.

Before I get started, though, I want (and need) to stress a few things. I am in no way shaming anyone. As I've shared in the past, I am the last person in the universe qualified to pass judgement on anything or anyone. My posts are simply my perspectives, my opinions. I look at facts in the public domain, and with my own knowledge and life experience, I form my thoughts.

Please remember while you read this, I am not looking down on anyone. I am not bragging about knowing what drug addiction is or is not. I am only sharing some insights with you, the reader, on what real life heroin addiction is like. My only goal is giving insight.

I am not proud of my past, and I am not condoning it. Nor should you. Accountability is how I stay clean. Please do not feel like I am suggesting non-addicts are ignorant or "square". Not knowing or understanding heroin addiction is a blessing. It's a good thing to be in the dark about certain things because it means you're smarter than people like me.

Be proud of the fact you don't automatically see why these blind items are total nonsense from the start. And if you aren't proud of yourself, just know I am proud AF of you. For those of you like myself who have been through the hell of addiction, remember we do recover. With all that being said, let's get going.

You see, anyone with firsthand experience or knowledge of true heroin addiction would automatically know these rumors are absolutely ridiculous. Why? Because heroin addiction doesn't work that way.

Now don't get me wrong. The world is filled with functioning closet addicts. I myself was a functioning closet addict for years before the world was any the wiser. The key point, though, is the world did eventually get wiser.

Heroin addiction usually starts out in one of a few ways. Most Americans addicted to heroin became that way because of prescription painkillers. For example, I first got addicted to pain pills. When the pain pills became impossible to get, I took what I could get that was the closest equivalent. That was heroin.

But some people start using heroin because they did some at a party with friends. Or they have a loved one addicted and wanted to see what the fuss was all about. Some people are hooked on other drugs, like cocaine or ecstasy, and their usual dealer offers a free sample of the latest batch of heroin. There's a saying among addicts; "The first one's free."

Dealers know they can increase their profitability if they can get established clients addicted to other products they traffic. But these are just a few examples of how people get started using heroin. Very rarely does anyone start out on heroin simply because they want to stay thin. Contrary to the popular belief known to many as "heroin chic" that came from supermodels in the mid 80s and 90s.

Heroin is what addicts refer to as a euphoria narcotic. It has a euphoric effect, and it is sometimes called a "downer". Cocaine, crack cocaine, methamphetamine, or amphetamines are called "uppers" or "speeders" because they stimulate the brain and give energy. While heroin can have that affect on people, it is not the traditional go-to for illicit weight management.

In other words, if Catherine really did use microdosing (a concept I will debunk in a moment), her first, best choice would be a stimulant like cocaine because it's much more effective at appetite suppression and providing energy. Heroin wouldn't be the first, best choice for many reasons.

Because of its nature, heroin is highly addictive. Most users begin snorting the drug in powder form. Within seconds to a minute, the substance enters the bloodstream and hits the brain. The brain then releases endorphins that travel the rewards pathway in the brain. The first time one uses heroin is the highest they will ever feel from using. Every subsequent dose releases less and less endorphins in the brain. This is why recovering addicts talk about chasing their sobriety like they chased their first high. This is also why microdosing is an almost-impossible behavior.

Microdosing means taking tiny, small amounts over time. Meaning that you only use the minimum amount to achieve the effect you desire. But the problem is, your brain becomes physically dependent on the substance over time. Every time an addict uses, the brain gets more dependent on that substance to function. So, while a non-addict's brain has no issues with their brain producing endorphins, an addict's brain does. This is why heroin is so addictive.

Eventually, a heroin addict's brain will become so reliant on heroin to produce endorphins, the addict will become entirely dependent. This is also known as becoming hooked. When the addict doesn't have the minimum amount of heroin the body is accustomed to, or depending upon, the addict will start withdrawal. This is often called being "dope sick" or "detoxing".

Detoxing or being dope sick is the driving force behind addicts staying addicts. Being dope sick is the biggest fear of an addict. So much so, the fear of detoxing is enough to drive otherwise good, decent human beings to doing absolutely whatever it takes to avoid detoxing. Stealing from loved ones, manipulating innocent bystanders, lying, cheating, robbing, selling your body... are the half of it.

Being dope sick is like having the worst flu of your life times a million. You will vomit, have uncontrollable diarrhea, and your body will hurt worse than anything you could ever imagine. If you detox for more than a day, you will begin to feel like your insides are shaking, burning, and pulling apart inside. You can't sleep. You can't eat. You can't get out of bed. You miss work and lose your job (if you still have one at this point). You get desperate before this point, and you get carnal after this point.

Your brain and entire body becomes dependent on this substance to function subpar. Without this substance, everything begins to stop working properly. Depending on exactly how much you use normally, your withdrawal can become life threatening. You can have seizures, strokes, or even go into cardiac arrest. Hopefully you can see by now why I say the concept of microdosing is ridiculous.

To be able to micro dose would require the self control and willpower of a super human. This reminds me of an article I once read about a college professor who advocated for drug use. He claimed he wasn't addicted, had control of his drug use, and was a productive member of society. He said he'd use heroin like others drink after a long day of work. Yet, he's been using it for over a decade. Yet, he experienced detoxing. That professor is a prime example of an addict in denial. But I digress...

My points are this:

1. Heroin wouldn't be the first choice for weight control or appetite suppression; cocaine or stimulants like meth or ritalin would be.

2. Microdosing is an almost-impossible method of drug use because the body gets hooked quickly. Which means the dose will only increase in amount in order to have the same effects over time.

3. Heroin causes an addiction that results in serious, life threatening withdrawal that drives even the nicest person to doing the worst of the worst.

4. Heroin addiction, even in small amounts, takes no time to invade and overtake one's life. It literally only takes one time to get hooked. It literally takes no time to destroy everything.

Oh, and one more thing before I put a sock in it... at the height of my active addiction, I was using around 2 grams a day to feel normal. I spent at minimum $200 a day on heroin. Sometimes even more. When I started out, I was only using a tenth or less. It takes 10 of those to make a gram. So within two months of starting, I went from doing one tenth to needing 20 of those tenths just to feel normal and function. All the while, I never got smaller than 150 pounds.

I know it sounds terrible, but I would lament over how unfair it was. I was doing all this heroin, and I was still thick AF. I would literally joke to fellow addicts I would use with how it was total bullshit. How was it I was using 2 grams a day and still a size 12 or 14? That's how sick I was in my disease. Which is my final point.

Not everyone on heroin is "heroin chic" skinny. The effort, will power, and self control it would take to "microdose" would be far greater than what it would take to control one's diet and exercise. Plus it would be much cheaper to hire a trainer than employ a drug dealer.

I hope this very long, detailed, winded post gives better insight to the deeper reasons the blind item is so dumb. I also hope it gives insight to the real life of heroin addiction. My goal was, and is, to provide real examples to the blind item's absurdity. If I can help people better understand heroin addiction, potentially deterring someone from ever touching it or even a loved one learning something that could help someone they know struggling with addiction... well that would be a bonus.

P.S. If you or a loved one you know is struggling with addiction, there is help out there. If you have any questions or just need someone to listen, please feel free to message me. I will do my best to help. I've been there. They say the only way to keep your sobriety is by giving it away... I have plenty to give. Be forewarned, though, I am unapologetically blunt and honest to a fault. I mean no harm, but I will not sugar coat anything.

[artstorieshusbandos]

Tale of Two Tragedies-Theo's route (Ikemen Vampire) **spoilers**

Tragedy #1 Exhibit A

I honestly half expected him to haul off and draw a masterpiece in the tavern notebook. Not because he's a Van Gogh but because there's almost no way someone with his appreciation for art , his eye for it and his hardcore determination wouldn't have managed to at least be drawing on the side for enjoyment.

This scene would have gone down a little differently if I had actually been in MC's place. MC, it seems, doesn't do art. I've been at least scribbling since I was a kid that figured out I could rub the paint off my toys onto the wall. I would not have noticed the notebook on the counter, but ever since we left the private gallery earlier I'd been dying to ask him if he'd ever done any art. I daydreamed about asking while I was waiting for my tickets to replenish Why?

This isn't the voice of someone who doesn't want to do art.

Usually when someone tells me they can't draw I find out one of 3 things. They either don't really want to draw or at least they have other things they'd much rather put their time into which is fair. They actually can draw but have fallen into the trap of undervaluing their own work which may or may not be a result of comparing their work to the work of others. Then there's the third crowd that has the desire to do it, puts in the time but can't get anywhere because they are trying to draw from their left brain.

What am I talking about? I'm sure you may have heard that our brains have two halves and that the left half is connected to logic, mathematics, language, symbolism, ect, and the right brain is associated with imagination, creativity, music, spatial relations, distances, ect. Most of us don't know how that actually relates to someone's ability to draw or paint. The truth is art is something all humans can do to some degree. How good you manage to get is one part the desire to do it, one part putting in the practice and one part how well you can get your left brain to give over control to the right brain.

Vincent and Theo are such wonderful examples of what I'm getting at here with the whole left brain/right brain thing. Vincent is right brain dominant and I know this not because he's a talented artist but because it's a fact that Vincent Van Gogh is left handed. Our dominant hands are opposite our dominant brains. Theo is clearly left brain dominant not only because we can see it in his organizational and business skills we can see how he's talking in the second image where he's trying to draw King. He's thinking about drawing fur and eyes and the components of the dog not the forms. The parts are all named and labeled....this is left brain thinking. Compare it to how he talks when he is observing paintings and pushing the technical aside to just let it speak to him. This is the mode he needs to be in to create but he's trying to attack it with his stronger mode which is his left brain mode. It doesn't matter how much you practice if you are practicing the wrong thing.

The other pitfall he's hit is comparing himself to Vincent. As an artist never ever ever ever compare yourself to anyone but the you from yesterday. There will always be someone "better" than you and "better" will always be subjective. Vincent got a head start being right brained. When his brain reaches for it's stronger side it's going to pull from the correct one automatically.

Maybe at this point you're wondering why I spent so much time analyzing a fictional character in this manner? Honestly it breaks my heart to see him like this and though I know he's fictional I also know there are many many Theo's in this world who have given up because they don't know what's holding them back or that it can be conquered. I wrote this for them.

If this is you and you'd like to see what you're truly capable of do this one really easy exercise. Find a picture of something you'd like to draw. Draw it as best you can. If all you can do is draw a stick then draw that stick. Then take that same image and flip it upside down and draw it again. The reason for doing this is to force the left brain to let the right brain work. The left brain doesn't like to work with anything it can't define and slap a label on. When you flip the image upside down it makes it so the left brain can't properly identify the subject. It has no choice but to shut up and let the right brain work. Compare your two drawings. I was astonished the first time I did this. I no longer have my original upright drawing from the first time I tried this technique but I do have the first drawing I ever did upside down. Here it is.

Granted I had been drawing for years upright already but if you need a point of reference as to where I was in my skill when I started training my left brain to sit down here's another drawing from the same year.

Quite a bit of technical difference.

If this exercise worked for you and you're interested in learning more about how to train your brain for better art this is the book that taught me.

I recommend this book to any artist that hasn't read it. It's been the biggest help I've ever gotten on my journey. I don't know if Amazon is the best place to get a copy or not I didn't price match I just put up the first link I came to so you might want to shop around.

Tragedy #2 Exhibit B

Here is one of the last pieces I completed.

It was done in 2012. That's right.....it's been damn near a decade since I've turned out a completed art piece. It would probably break Theo's heart even more to know that there are people out here like me that have talent and aren't using it while he would love to do it and can't seem to. In fact he'd probably dump my ass if we were actually dating before he found out. I felt guilty before but now it's guilt x 1000. Are any of you out there in the same boat as me? Anyone out there that managed to get out of the rut that might have some tips for me? Maybe I should take some requests? What would you all like to see me draw?

Also if you're interested in seeing more of my stuff my gallery is collecting dust here

Theo has everything he needs to be a great artist. He has the eye for aesthetics, he has the desire and commits himself to everything. In his time psychology is in it's infancy. He doesn't even know yet what he doesn't know. If I was wrong about this and he still couldn't draw after a few training sessions I guess I'd have to start making him paint by number kits. He can pick the subject and the colors I'll map out the design and we'll do it together.

[mytastessuck]

Gorillaz: Plastic Beach

mAh, nostalgia. This album was my high school years. I got a digital copy for my birthday from my mom and became obsessed with this album well into college. The dominance of electronica, the use of people with great voices, the expansion of the lore, Lou Reed...this album was all of music when I got it. It's my favorite Gorillaz album and it looks like it's gonna stay that way for a while. But how is it on a not even approaching semi-objective level? Let's find out.

1. Orchestral Intro

You can probably guess it by my awful taste but I'm not really into orchestra. This opening though, with the sound of waves and the mourning instruments, really tipped me off that I was in for something different. This album wasn't going to start off with something chill or even a zombie movie clip. No, at this point, Gorillaz were officially done fucking around.

10/10

2. Welcome to the World of the Plastic Beach

Then we get the brass leading us into a good beat and then HOLY SHIT, SNOOP DOGG?! He leads us in like a bandleader while a chorus of women back him up Just Like That while he goes with his usual flow. He adds the needed touch of instant cool to an album that's practically frozen with the artists already on it and with this song, it feels like you're walking past the gate into Disneyland.

9/10

3. White Flag

Some nice Arabian sounding instruments on this one. Pretty cool for Gorillaz to keep engaging in world music. Anyway, this was a really cool instrumental but it's time to move on to the other son---

Huh?

Suddenly, we get beeps and mixes backing up Bashy and Kano as they kick so much ass talking about pacifism for the sake of survival. This song kicks an undisputed amount of ass and it barely even tries.

9/10

4. Rhinestone Eyes

What I like about this song is that I keep finding new things to like about it as the years go back. First, I liked the weirdly-threatening nature of the song along with the woman moaning in time with the verses. Then I liked the video (even though it was insanely shady of EMI to release that without Damon's and Jamie's permission and it ended up being the thing that led to Phase 3's premature ending and Gorillaz going on hiatus). Then I liked the continuation of the moaning that I first noticed in live performances then finally heard in the song itself. This song is like Rolexes falling from the sky.

10/10

5. Stylo

Ah, the first single from the album. I remember telling my dad about this when I first saw the video for it. I was about to write off Gorillaz as a relic of my past before I saw Murdoc and 2D get run off the road by Bruce Willis. This song has an awesome bridge by Yasiin Bey, nice crooning by Damon Albarn and incredible back-up by Bobby Womack, who manages to lift the entire song over his head using just his voice. Damn, wish he had another song that put his voice on full display. Maybe later in the album...

10/10

6. Superfast Jellyfish

Yeah, De La Soul is back! And they're singing about TV dinners! Seriously, these guys can make guessing crossword actually fun instead of a dredging experience and have Shiny Toy Guns frontman Chad Petree singing about radioactive seas brings the whole thing home. It makes you want to really go out and eat a random jellyfish but don't do that. It'll hurt.

11/10

7. Empire Ants

Okay, before I give this song its totally fair score, it should be noted this is my third favorite song of all time. I love Damon's reassuring lyrics in the beginning but the switch in the middle to a more upbeat electronic pop tune pushes this song past perfect.

Then there's Little Dragon...

This song introduced to me to Yukimi Nagano's voice and wow...I didn't think humans could sound like that, let alone an Asian woman singing soul. If you think the instruments are carrying her here, obviously there are clearly no other songs on the album that showcase her talents so I have to recommend After The Rain, Twice and Constant Surprises by Little Dragon. Seriously, this woman's voice will water your fucking crops.

500/10

8. Glitter Freeze

Where is north from here? Don't ask me, I'm not a compass. Anyway, this song has Mark E. Smith from The Fall and they use him to his fullest extent...by which I mean letting him make an absolutely evil fucking laugh somewhere near the end. The instrumentation makes it feel like you're in a storm on a shaky ship and you're definitely going to feel like you need some pills after you're finished. This stuff will put hair on your chest.

11/10

9. Some Kind of Nature

This song introduced me to Lou Reed and I'm grateful to it for that. Lou was a shitty dude but damn his voice really made things better than they should have been. Fuck, I was one of the eight defenders of Lulu for this reason. But Damon doesn't sit with his thumbs up his ass on this song. He holds his own and makes the chorus sound legitimately dreamlike. All we are is stars, indeed.

100/10

10. On Melancholy Hill

This song is awesome to chill to...unless you're escaping a cruise ship while being gunned down by fighter jets. But other than that particular example, I recommend this song for anyone trying to relax while thinking of someone special. But be careful with the last note of this song. That gong can be a real eye opener.

9/10

11. Broken

Bummer of a song but if there's one song you absolutely NEED to learn on melodica, it's this one. Aren't we all broken? Well I am. And this song speaks to me.

10/10

12. Sweepstakes

Yasiin's back and there's gonna be trouble. He plays a carny in this track and you know that no matter how many times you listen to this song, you'll always gonna fall for his schemes. He's gone on to say that this is one of his finest achievements as a MC and I can see why.

10/10

13. Plastic Beach

Holy shit, they got the 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover guy on this track. Makes since because this, outside of Empire Ants, is my favorite song on the album. The harmony, the little imp they got for the bridge, the triangle...everything makes this song better than it has any right to be on an already awesome album. Damn, plastico indeed.

200/10

14. To Binge

Shock of all shocks, Yukimi's back! And it's a duet with Damon! And it's a song about a relationship torn apart by addiction! It's not my birthday so it must be Christmas. These two manage to drown the listen in waves of audio goodness that leaves them feeling like they spent 3 minutes and 56 seconds standing under a waterfall.

20/10

15. Cloud of Unknowing

Okay, I cried to this song. And now, with Bobby Womack's passing, I cry even harder. This song should be an anime ending with how solemn it is but you need to listen to the end to hear, "It may bring sunshine on its wings." Also, Damon covered this song live after Womack's passing. I suggest you look it up because it is tear-ripping.

50/10

16. Pirate Jet

Eh. Pretty average song compared to the others on the album but I appreciate the message. Sweet Lord, people. Turn off your shit when you're not using it. We only got one planet and I don't trust Elon Musk.

8/10

Album Score: 60.1/10

Whoo! No biases! Anyway, next week is The Fall, otherwise known as the album Albarn did on his Ipad. Otherotherwise known as the album a significant portion of the fandom has a hate-on for. Does it deserve the hate? We'll find out!

[certifiedbamf]

Well, I've opened Tumblr. Guess I have some things to write down again.

[12DEC2021; 2045PST]

It sure has been awhile since I've opened up this app. Literally had to sign in again because I got a new phone. Anyway I'm here and I guess it's been over a year since the last time I wrote one of these...rants? Yeah a rant, I guess. Decided to change my profile picture on here because holy shit was it cringe. I don't ever read my old posts because: 1 - they're very long & 2 - they're just probably super sad boy shit and, unfortunately, probably still relevant despite the passage of time.

Basically, I don't really know what's going on. For the past, I don't know, 3 months or so I've just been going with the flow. No real goal set. No real plans to do anything. Just taking things as they come and rolling with them. In hindsight, I shouldn't have done this. I became complacent and sometimes just straight up lazy. I should've spent my time better. Spent it doing something that might actually have a net positive rather than just breaking even or just below that. I don't know. I won't say it was a waste of time because I definitely learned a good amount in the last few months. But time is valuable and finite. Sure I learned stuff but had I actually spent some time thinking about what to do rather than just agreeing to things off the cuff I might be in a much better position right now. Mentally and physically. Story of my life. No way this is the first time I've mentioned something about spending time doing something better or differently. I swear to myself I've changed and yet here I am on Tumblr complaining about the same thing again, probably.

But this time it's especially bad. I'm deploying in about a month. I'll be gone for 5 months. Very far away from everyone. I won't be in any danger or anything but it'll truly feel lonely there. Especially since it's winter. My barber (who's Korean) tells me the winters in South Korea are brutal. Which means I'll probably be confined quite a bit. COVID restrictions are rough too so, yeah, lots of doing nothing. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about it. I'll get to do some stuff, probably. But, at the end of the day, there's nobody. There won't be anybody for me back here either. I won't even have a place to live, literally (that's an easy problem to solve though).

It really just comes down to that. I've got this big thing coming up and I didn't spend my time here the way I really wanted to. Of course, I'm realizing this now. Typical me. Realizing mistakes after the fact. A day late and a dollar short.I know it's not forever but the big bummer is going to be coming back to nothing but the same sad rigamarole. I could've used that wasted time on something that could've made me happy...in the long run.

{For you}

I don't know if you'll ever see this but I know there was a time or two in the past where you brought up my Tumblr. So, on the off chance that you happen to read this, I just have a few things to say.

There isn't a day that goes by where you aren't on my mind. That probably sounds like bullshit and you have every right to think that but it's the truth. I don't know what happened. We were talking all the time. Every day. Had a big Snap streak and everything and I just...stopped. I don't get it. That was...months ago? I haven't reached out to you since and it's mostly because I feel like I'm the last person you want to talk to. You can't be happy with me. I'm not happy with me. I haven't moved on to anyone else. I haven't just stopped caring about you. I haven't stopped loving you. I'm just lost, I guess. Only I know that. And, well, now I guess you do too. I do a pretty good job at making people think I'm fine but my mind is like a dumped out file cabinet and I keep trying to organize the things that don't really matter. Anyway, I don't know what else to say. I miss you a lot and I miss talking to you....I felt like I had you for a bit there. Then I...got scared or something. I don't know. I'm just an idiot. You were the best I've ever had.

It's your birthday soon. I'm going to ball up and at least wish you a happy birthday. But...I want to talk to you again.

[sery-chan-13]

[A Little More] Niragi S.

The plot is basically knowing before the games, and you were his main bully's sister. And then it transfers to being in the games. I listened to the song 'A Little More' by Alessia Cara while making this, and it's on my Wattpad as well :)

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of abuse, bullying, mentions of rape(none done by Niragi towards the reader. Also, more like insinuates it, not describes or for sure says it, but just in case!)

You had seen the boy around. He carried his books hurriedly around, and your brother always told you he was his friend. And you believed him.

"Onii-Chan! Hiii!" You chirped, running up to your brother. You saw his friends behind him, the boy with the glasses trailing behind. "I'll be inside in a second," you said, running past the group of boys to the boy behind them. "Hi! My name's (L/N) (F/N). What's your's?" You introduced, holding out a hand to him to shake. "S-suguru Niragi... Nice to meet you," he responded, looking up to meet your gaze. "That's my big brother, he's super cool. I wanna be like him one day. Even though he's only a years older," you giggled, pointing towards the boy standing in the doorway, glaring down at him. "B-big brother? I-i have to go..." he excused. "Ah, wait, Suguru-San, let's talk more at school yeah?" You shouted after him. He stopped, turning to look at you, giving a curt nod.

"Hey! What- what are you doing?" You asked, stumbling across your brother with his friend. Niragi was on the floor, blood spilling from nose, a baseball next to him. His glasses scattered to the side. "Leave (Y/N), it's nothing to concern yourself with. Go home," your brother said. He was holding a baseball bat. "I thought he was your friend?" You asked, walking closer to them. "I told you to leave," your brother responded louder. "Did you do this to him?" You asked, tears building in your eyes. "And if I did? He's just a loser anyways," you brother said. You gasped, walking closer to your brother. "Stop. You shouldn't do this," you said, trying to look at the boy standing in front of you like he was still your brother and not some monster who had been torturing someone innocent. "I told you to leave you dumb bitch," he scoffed, pushing you down. "D-dont!" Niragi shouted from behind you. Your eyes widened. "Don't hurt her... she's your sister, you shouldn't hurt your sister," Niragi said, trying his hardest to be brave to protect you. "And?" Your brother said, kicking your leg harshly. You gave a yelp of pain, and crawled backwards to Niragi. " 'Ragi, you ok?" You asked, wiping away the blood, to no avail as it kept coming out. "Get away from him (Y/N), unless you want the same treatment," one of your brother's friends smirked. Your eyes widened, holding onto him. "Hurt me then. I don't care. Leave him alone!" You shouted, shielding Niragi from them. "Aw look, he needs a girl to protect him," one of the boys taunted. You stood up, holding Niragi's hand. Your brother scoffed, tossing a ball up, and batting it. You only heard a crack, and felt a pain on your nose. You put a hand up, and felt blood drip down. " 'Ragi, on the count of three, run. Run home or wherever, don't look back, just run, and I'll see you at school tomorrow alright?" You instructed, looking at him with a smile. "But what about you? You're a girl and they could do worse to you than me I can't let you-" he said, stumbling over his words. "Go. I'll be fine, I'll see you tomorrow," you said, the kind smile he'd grown to love still present on his face. He only nodded.

"1"

He closed his eyes, dreading the thought of leaving you alone.

"2"

You looked up at him, and gave him a quick kiss to the cheek.

"3."

He swallowed harshly, and ran like you told him. He did what you told him, trying to block out the noise, because he knew he would look back if he did...

The next day you showed up at school. Your eyes no longer held the same spark they had. Your smile had dulled. Not even like you were giving a real smile. There were bruises on your legs that you had neglected to cover.

You went to your usual spot under the Sakura tree in the school court yard. " 'Ragi?" You questioned, seeing him standing there, under the tree. He saw you, and let out a sigh of relief. "Are you ok? What happened? What did they to you?" He asked, reaching out for you. You jumped back, scared of what might happen if you let him touch you. He looked at you, seeing the bruises on your neck and legs. "What the hell did they do to you?" He whispered, slowly walking over to you. Your eyes filled with tears. "I-it was h-horrible, I- I didn't think that i-," you started, breaking down in sobs. He reached you, slowly wrapping his arms around you.

You two sat atop the roof of the apartment complex, looking out to the stars. "So let me get this straight, if a guy with piercings and long hair asked you out, you wouldn't hesitate to say yes?" He asked, laughing a bit. You laughed, nodding your head. "But also smart guys. Clever ones, who put thought into things. The guys who aren't afraid of their emotions or mine ya know?" You admitted, looking up to the stars. He nodded softly. " 'Ragi. You'd look good with piercings," you mentioned all of a sudden. "Really?" He asked, looking at you. "Mhm. And if you grew out your hair to... here," you said, touching his shoulders. "Is this your way of telling me I'm ugly?" He joked. "No! You're really cute, I'm just saying it would look good on you. Dummy," you muttered. "What would you do if everyone in Tokyo disappeared? It was just the two of us?" He asked suddenly. "I'd be... happy. Our utopia where my brother and his stupid friends don't exist. Just us, watching the stars every night. I'd like that," you said softly. "I'd like that too," he whispered.

You chuckled at the memory. "Well, I would have liked it. If you were here with me," you said, leaning back on the wall. You looked down at the cards in your hand. 10 of clubs, ace of diamonds, and 2 of hearts. You shuddered. "Maybe it's better you're not here 'Ragi. I wouldn't want you going through this," you muttered. You heard the engine of a car. "What the hell? I thought cars didn't work," you whispered, walking out from your hiding spot, onto the street. The headlights of the cars fell on you, and they stopped. "Oi, you ok?" A voice asked. "Um, not really? How'd you get cars working?" You responded. No one answered. "We have a place where people in this situation can go. The Beach. Do you have any playing cards?" The person asked. "Yes, I do. 10 of clubs, ace of diamonds, and 2 of hearts," you responded. "Hop on in," they said. You walked over cautiously, getting into the car.

"Welcome to the beach. Right now, there's only a few of us, but in time there will be many. We have 3 militals, and 4 executives so far, with me being the leader," the man, who's name you learned to be Hatter. "Hatter, your back from- and who's this?" A voice said from the top of the staircase. You looked over, and saw a boy, about your age, with dark shoulder length hair. You couldn't see his facial features since he was so far away. He walked down the stairs, and you could see his face. He had an eyebrow piercing, as well as a nose piercing, with very attractive features. He looked so familiar. "That's Niragi, he's one of the militals, which is why he has a weapon," Hatter explained. Niragi clicked his tongue. "N-niragi?" You stuttered, walking a bit closer to the boy. "Oi, why the hell are you starin' at me like that? You look like you've seen a ghost," he scoffed. "Hi! My name's (L/N) (F/N). What's your's?" You said, using the same childish voice you had back then, sticking a hand out like you had back then, hoping this was your Niragi. The Niragi you had spent hours with atop the roofs of Tokyo. The Niragi who called you an idiot for getting drunk once. The Niragi who had most of your firsts, even if they were on a dare or some stupid punishment of your brother's creation. The same Niragi who had protected you after that day. The same Niragi who bought you candies and snacks after school. The Niragi you had and still loved. His eyes widened, and the gun he had dropped to the floor. "S-suguru Niragi... Nice to meet you," he said, the same way he had back then. The tears that had filled your eyes fell, and you grabbed his hand, pulling him into a hug. "It's you, it's really you right? I'm not dreaming? Did I die, is this heaven, please tell me that's really you," you cried into him. "It's me, it's really me (N/N)," he whispered, trying to keep his tears from falling. Hatter smiled, and left, giving the two of you a bit of privacy. He pulled away from the hug, cupping your face in his hands, placing his forehead on yours. "I'm so happy you're ok," you whispered. He stayed quiet, reeling in everything. You were there. With him. You were safe as could be within this messed up world. You were the same (Y/N) who had taken more damage for him than anyone in his life. The (Y/N) who had stayed up on late night phone calls. The (Y/N) who fixed his glasses everytime they broke. The (Y/N) who watched the stars with him. You pulled away, sniffling. "You look different," you laughed, sniffling and drying your tears. "Good different or bad different?" He asked with a smirk. "Good different. Great different. I told you you'd look good," you said. "Oh that reminds me of something I've wanted to do forever. (Y/N), will you go out with me?" He asked. "Yes," you responded with a smile. "Oh wow, you really meant no hesitation, huh?" He teased. "I've loved you since we were kids, why the fuck would I say no?" You admitted, holding his hand and intertwining your fingers with his.

"You know, this isn't the way I thought I'd die, but I'm glad it's with you," you said, panting from the heat of the flames. "It's all my fault. You shouldn't be in this mess. Fucking hell..." he muttered. You lay your head on his shoulder. "It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. I had just as much fault as you," you whispered. "Chishiya was right. All of us militals are just morons with guns," he laughed. You smiled. "I'm sure he'd love to hear you admit that. I can see him smirking right now," you said, a laugh escaping your lips. "Remember that time your brother found us on the roof, and we had to jump from one roof to the other to get away?" He asked leaning his head onto yours. "Yeah, remember that time we threw one of his baseball's into the river, and he was super pissed?" You giggled. "Remember that night on the roof when you told me your biggest fear was loosing me?" He asked. "That was legitimately the other night, if course I didn't forget it bubs," you whispered, snuggling into him. You both coughed from the smoke. "I don't want to die..." you whimpered, hugging him tightly. He held onto you. "I know... I know. But we'll just feel pain for a second, and then we'll meet in hell princess," he joked, trying to comfort you. You laughed a bit, but it turned into you coughing. "I love you Niragi," you said. "I love you too, (Y/N)."

Sorry if he's OOC my dear readers-

[filmnoirsbian]

im lonely all the time. i was even before lockdown and im just getting really tired of it. i don't know how much longer i can live this way. its hard to ask my friends for help bc they have their own shit going on too. i don't know if i can go on like this for another five years to a decade. it hurts so much. i was going to spend this year living with a friend but they are quarantined with their family now. do you have any advice? i need something to live for.

Hey honey, I'm sorry you're going through this. I know well how painful and all-consuming loneliness can be. My advice really comes in 2 parts, and they are in conjunction with one another, rather than separate steps.

Part one: when you are lonely, in my experience, really the only immediate cure is other living things. And lucky for us, the world is full of them. Humans are social creatures and we aren't meant to be isolated for a long time. Last night, I ran into a man who'd spent so many weeks in isolation in a hotel room that he'd started walking around the hotel halls in his spare time, trying to strike up conversations with anyone he ran into. I'm sure he still felt isolated and lonely whenever the conversations ended and he went back to his hotel room, but for those brief moments, he was no longer alone.

By "living things" I also mean non-people. Plants and animals can bring out this comfort in us too. Take a walk through your neighborhood and politely ask to pet every dog you pass. Take in the fresh air, admire the trees and the flowers in gardens. If it's a possibility, you might consider getting some plants of your own. For my own part, gardening did me a world of good. Realizing that these lives depended on me, even as small and "inconsequential" as they are, helped me get out of bed some days.

I know these are tough times to strike up conversations with strangers, but try anyway. Chat with your grocery store cashier about their day. Talk to your friends, your neighbors. Get to know your community. If you can, find a local blm chapter and go volunteer and protest. In helping others, you'll also help yourself. We are never as alone as we might think, and in the end, that community is what saves us.

Part 2, meant to be applied alongside part 1, not before or after: get comfortable with your own company. Yes, loneliness may never fully leave us, but we can add its thread into the tapestry of ourselves, embracing it among all the other parts of us, bright and sad alike. I don't mean "love yourself," although that would certainly be a good thing to do. But i know that, for people like us, it isn't that simple. Before you can love yourself, you must really get to know yourself. And to get to know yourself, you must be comfortable in your own company to do so. Take a step back and try to interview yourself with some objectivity. How would you describe yourself? How are you doing, really? What would you like to be doing, but aren't? It's okay if you can't answer these questions at first, or have trouble articulating them. As with everything, you'll get better with practice.

Have dinner and a movie with yourself. Treat yourself to a long bath or an at-home facial or meditation session. Then, when you feel nice and comfortable, check in. Make this a habit, weekly or more than weekly. Learn to ask yourself "how do I feel about this? Is this good for me or is it harmful?" Sometimes being self centered is the only way to really center yourself. Eventually, once you've done it enough, checking in with yourself will feel as natural as checking in with a friend. And that's exactly what you'll be doing.

I wish you the best 💝

[paramsiddharth]

#4: Searching for Hope

I am glad to tell that we have finally moved. Earlier residing in Uttar Pradesh, we have moved back to Bihar. Pertaining to the effect of COVID-19, the environment is in a much better condition over here. However, it wasn't easy moving here, and moving didn't solve all of the problems.

First of all, packing. Packing everything was a tedious process. Getting everything into sacks already seemed very tough. Then was mom's OCD, that would make it even tougher. How? Well, things like, she wasn't willing to place the sacks on the floor, because it would make it hard to clean the floor the next day, which she couldn't resist. That's how most of the work got postponed to the last day. Still, it was important to get things done soon, so I decided to go along with the greatest convenience possible.

It would have been more convenient if we had more time. The company where my parents worked had currently imposed a notice period of 6 months i. e. We must stay and work for the company for at least 6 months past resignation. Taking that into account, dad decided to resign in April, someday around their marriage anniversary.

However, it didn't go as well as expected. As May ended, we were told to leave early. Unfairly so, the company decided to violate its own notice period. We were already burdened with financial pressure. Having no other choice, we decided to leave by mid-June.

The lockdown made the process slightly more complicated. I was the most scared of our happening to get into any problems due to it. Thankfully, it didn't turn out to be a big problem, and we made it back to Bihar. The next day, all the luggage arrived too.

I was very happy. Little did I know that my happiness wasn't going to last that long. Within hardly 2 days, my parents had a terrible fight. It was so much worse than the ones I had previously witnessed that I almost felt hopeless. It is hard to express… But painful it was. Especially for me and my mom. Besides all that, it is Bihar, not Uttar Pradesh. Full of snitches. It takes less than half an hour for news to reach from one to the other neighbourhood. Care has to be taken.

Having spent years in a place that is synonymous to prison, my mom has become a person that easily becomes sad and hopeless. She totally discards anything that could make her happy. She says she doesn't want to live anymore, and so many things that she doesn't mean… Things I would never want to hear.

I cried a lot. I can face any problem in life if I have a stable, happy, and loving family having my back. After all, who wouldn't want a happy family? It's just that mine has been through 20 years of misery, and at this point, it is understandably unbearable.

I admit, it will take a lot of time and money for things to improve. We need to have a place for ourselves to live, and my parents are currently working on getting one built. Money would be scarce in the near future, because my parents aren't working at the moment. Some friends asked me to start working part-time to help, which sadly is easier said than done.

I am planning to get a new laptop for myself. The one I have (in the college) is at least 12 years-old, which makes it tough for me to use it to learn most of the contemporary technology, which I would need for my future career. Despite the difficulties, I am trying to keep myself up and learning, because that is the best I can do to help my family in being stable, loving, and happy.

Since I got to use the kitchen after a long time, I used the opportunity to make Shahi Tukda (English: Royal Piece), a really nice and quick sweet. It has a very simple recipe. You just need some sugar, water, rusk, and optionally, some cardamom (elaichi) for seasoning. In fact, here it is:

Prepare a cup of sugar syrup (by mixing water and sugar in 1:3 ratio and heating until mild yellow, viscous, and sticky). Add some cardamom for enhanced flavour.

Pour it in a plate to achieve a height of 1-2 cm.

Place few slices of rusk (dry-heated thick bread will work too) and let them absorb the syrup upto ⅓ (one-third) their width on one side.

Let the same happen to ⅓ of the other side. That would get ⅔ of the rusk soaked in sugar syrup and ⅓ dry in the centre to maintain crispness.

Ta-da! That's it. 🍰 You got yourself a nice Indian sweet to enjoy. In fact, it is quick and yummy. It hardly takes 2-3 minutes to prepare, and doesn't require a lot of syrup. You are free to try different variations and experiment with the recipe on your own.

I have been learning more of Golang. The most interesting part in it is yet to come, which is concurrency i. e. The ability to perform multiple tasks at the same time. I am also spending time learning Ruby on Rails, which is very famous for rapid prototyping, as I have heard. NodeJS, Flask and PHP are the only other back-end web frameworks that I have previously worked with. It will be great to learn more about database integration into webpages. I am very excited about it. Hopefully, I will soon be able to learn and develop interesting things.

Once I return to college, I am planning to make some new songs. I have already been preparing the lyrics and gathering ideas for quite some time. It will be fun to get creative after a long time. The more we learn, the more we do, the more we grow. Also, once I get a little more calm, I have to continue working on all my pending colourful prompts for Inktober! :(

That's it for now. See you soon with another post! <3