#2021 ptsd

[f1ast-life]

"the two red bull and two mercedes are the fastest"

[mismess]

"Mild peril/violence" They tried to literally kill my guy like three times. They had genuine fear radiating off this koala. He needs to go home and sleep for a week

[poisonousquinzel]

"From the sick and twisted mind of Erica Henderson

with sadistic sound by Hassan Otsmane-Elhaou

and eerie and evil editing by Arianna Turturro & James Reid"

Harley Quinn (2021 - ) #37

oh the different Jokers from across the DC universe being used is genius. I hate him and he's ugly and it's genius to switch between all of them during a nightmare.

[please-picturemeintheweeds]

Re: the end of your Joever/renegade post, it’s almost like wondering at what point does the “rough patch” cease to be a rough patch and just how the person *is*. As in, this is just how they choose to exist or are most comfortable living as a person.

(Not villainizing him at all, it’s just alluding to what you and others said… at some point it stops being a single issue or issues to fix and starts revealing itself to just be fundamental differences in compatibility and outlook.)

Just got this and I know it was sent pre-TTPD tracklist, but yeah!! Like it makes so much sense to me that a relationship would take over a year to go from Renegade to YLM and then another year to reach breaking up for good. That honestly feels like the most normal progression in the world, and I’m sooo interested to hear how she describes this experience and gives voice to something that I think a lot of people have been through.

I’ve talked about it on here before but my current relationship is 6 years old, and Renegade literally sparked some very VERY serious conversations for us when it came out because it gave voice to things we were dealing with and we were able to address using the language she offered us in the song. That was a definite “rough patch.” We nearly broke up, and had a real epiphany about things that we both needed to change in order to continue, and the types of support we both needed in order to stay safe and healthy. I felt so seen by Renegade and then in midnights as well- labyrinth and The Great War come to mind - the decision to stick it out. When I heard about joever it hit me (and others, from what I’ve heard!) suuuuper hard because it was like wait. Whatever measures they took after Renegade and the Great War actually didn’t fix it; what does that mean for me!? I was soo shaken up because of how strongly I related to the struggle (as it was portrayed to us). But that gets to the point of this ask: the difference between a rough patch and something un-fixable. I’m certain this will come up on TTPD, and it’ll be a deep portal time travel exploration of how she came to that exact conclusion. I can’t wait.

[oh-i-swear-writes]

This Road was Always Meant for Two

The Winter Soldier is dangerous. Since his rescue from HYDRA, SHIELD have been low-key trying to figure out how to handle the complex case of James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes, an Omega with super serum and a volatile disposition. Due to frequent Heats and a lack of coping mechanisms for dealing with the free world in modern times, it's deemed that the best course of action is to assign a Support Alpha... except Barnes has systematically and sometimes violently rejected every Alpha put in his path.

Enter Steve Rogers, trained (if lapsed) Support Omega as a last ditch attempt to resolve the issue.

So this is for the wonderful @zepysgirl who won me in the @marveltrumpshate auction this year (for a second year running, I might add!) and requested something a bit like this.  I hope I’ve done it justice!  Fic will be updating weekly until complete!  

Just as a note though guys - check the tags on this one!  

Chapter One

[stinkyhyena9000]

I actually don't like this ship but I'm obliged to ask if we're talking about horrific couples:

Buster Moon x Jimmy Crystal

Emphasis on the Fucked Up part of Fucked Up Bingo.

I actually am lowkey a fan of CrystalMoon, just because it's a hotspot for angst and projecting trauma onto.

If they weren't super awful for each other, they would actually be a kinda nice pairing. Wolves howl at moons, and the concept of them both bonding over being workaholic dads is kinda a cute prospect.

There is so much going on here that could be played with, but they're just horrible, considering Crystal almost killed Moon twice and got his franchise ruined by him, so yeah.

Here's a song I associate with the ship!!!: Howl - Family Crest [ x ]

[loyalhorror]

“Sergeant Parkin. Are you propositioning me?” 

Parkin looked away from him with a shy sort of grin, but he didn’t answer.

“You have a wife,” Cabal reminded him. His face was unreadable. 

“Aye,” said Parkin. “A wife who would encourage me to do the stupid thing I’m about to do.” And then he was leaning over and pressing his lips to Cabal’s jaw, the boldest thing he’d ever done in the man’s company, and Cabal flinched like he’d been struck. 

Parkin leaned back just as fast, suddenly, madly ashamed of himself. “Fuck,” he started to say, words thick and clumsy in his mouth, “I’m sorry, I should’ve asked first. I’ve had too much drink, Cabal, I’m so sorry.”

Cabal was staring at him. His breathing had gone shallow, and the distant, glassy look in his eyes made the bottom drop out of Parkin’s stomach with dread. This… this wasn’t what he’d wanted. In his head it had gone differently, see - Cabal had either kissed him back or--or he hadn’t looked like that. Like Parkin had hit him, or was going to. Parkin raised his hands half-way: look, I’m not going to do anything. 

He desperately wanted Cabal to say something. To hit him. Something. 

“I misjudged,” Parkin started to say, but Cabal interrupted him with a voice as brittle as it was cold.

“Get out, Sergeant.”

Parkin was suddenly very aware of the cane in Cabal’s hand. “Cabal--” 

But Cabal was standing over him suddenly, white-knuckled grip on the cane and his grey eyes stormy. “Get. Out.” Parkin was hit by the sudden, awful realisation that they were stormy because they were wet, or about to be. He was sure Cabal would rather kill them both than let him witness that, and just as sure that he’d kind of agree with that decision, and rose to his feet with his hands still raised.

“I’m going,” Parkin said, fumbling his way to the hallway and feeling wretched. “I really am sorry.”

When the front door closed behind him, Parkin heard several locks click as he made for the gate.

[amid-fandoms]

who tf put phil fingering a wall on my timeline 😭😭😭

[thewhizzyhead]

so I'm currently listening to skype tomorrow because of course I'm back in my 2021 watt mode and um who's gonna take one for the team and ask pma what the cut watt song Kate's PTSD cheer is

[cynical-crypt]

keep quiet

NOTHING COMES AS EASY AS YOU

[doctor-fancy-pants]

Two Years Since The Storm (Tuesday 4PM)

Sharing this is literally terrifying, and at the same time it feels like it's something I have to do. It's a rough vocal through GarageBand with some reverb tacked on, and it's raw, and it hurts. But singing it... helps. It helps me, at least.

(if you do listen please be kind about any vocal wobbles and maybe pretend that you didn't hear them, it can be our little secret)

[the-widow-sisters]

I’m glad your back is loads better, but I’m sorry your knee isn’t!! If it’s not one thing, it’s another 😅.

As always, feel free to veto this prompt:

Keeping with the Carol theme…

Nat has always been the one that everyone gets their comfort from (and she is honestly so good at it!), and usually it’s Yelena, and sometimes Kate, that in turn comfort Nat on the rare occasion she lets them.

Nat has been there for Carol a handful of times now, so I was thinking maybe its Carol’s turn to be there for Nat! A Red Room flashback, or maybe we get a glimpse of the black widow and carol has to subdue her. Once she snaps out of it, Carol is there to comfort her. Honestly, however you wanna do it!! I’m just throwing things out there and talking way too much LOL 🤣🤣🤣

Anywho, feel better soon! 💕

A/N: Thank you so much for this amazing request! 💖💖💖 And it’s all good! My knee is actually doing better now and no pains seem to have taken its place yet 😂💕 Hopefully it’ll stay that way 😅😬

Sorry it took me a little bit to get to this! I’ve been really lacking in the way of motivation lately, and idk why. However, I have been working on some video edits that I’m thinking about posting on my YouTube channel for y’all 🥰💗 I’ve also been working on a little art 😊💕 

Hopefully the motivation will come back soon, lol. I’m just in a little slump for now 💖

I hope y’all enjoy! 💕

Word Count: 1895

  “Hey, Nat… What’re you doing?” Carol questioned uncertainly as she entered the gym, pausing as she took in the sight of the redhead.

  Carol happened to be coming in late from a mission when she saw that the lights were on in the gym. She normally would not have questioned it, but it was in the neighborhood of two or three in the morning, so she had a few questions. Especially since she knew that no one would be there that early. Not even Steve, who religiously woke up at five every morning.

  So she had come in to check, and that was when she found Natasha.

  At the moment, the woman in question was very gracefully, effortlessly, and beautifully performing a very intricate ballet routine. It completely took Carol by surprise since she had never seen Natasha do ballet before, and she actually had no idea that Natasha knew anything about it. Carol definitely did not know much about the subject.

  “I didn’t know you knew ballet. That’s really cool,” Carol complimented, speaking up again as she grinned at Natasha. However, her smile soon slowly fell away from her face as she realized that Natasha was remaining completely unresponsive.

  “Hey… You okay?” Carol questioned as she came a little closer.

  As she approached the woman carefully, she quickly realized that Natasha had a glazed sheen to her eyes, and she did not seem to be overly aware of anything happening around her. Carol immediately felt her guard coming up a bit. Something was not right at all with the redhead, and Carol was not sure what was about to happen.

  “Hey, Nat…?” Carol questioned, moving nearer as she risked waving her hand near Natasha to try to get her attention. Natasha stayed quiet, not offering Carol any manner of reaction. Carol swallowed, eyeing her wordlessly.

  Natasha seemed almost as if she were having some manner of breakdown. Carol was not at all experienced with dealing with this level of emotional situation unless it was she herself having the episode, but she was quick enough to realize that this must be the signs. And she was not about to let Natasha suffer through this alone. Not after everything she had helped Carol herself through.

  Carol braced herself, calling upon her enhanced strength as she prepared to handle this situation the best she could.

  “Natasha, hey… I’m going to put my hand on you. I know you probably can’t hear me or at least can’t respond, but I thought I’d warn you anyway, okay?” Carol told her, and Natasha remained still performing some outlandish pose.

  Carol let out a breath before reaching out and closing the distance between them.

  Almost immediately, Natasha’s gaze snapped to Carol’s, her entire demeanor changing as she almost bared her teeth. Carol’s eyes widened slightly, and Natasha immediately started attempting to pull her signature move on her as she pounced upward, wrapping her legs around Carol’s head as she started trying to pull her down.

  If Carol had not been braced already with her strength, the move would have doubtlessly brought her to the ground. Instead, she simply grabbed Natasha, prying her legs off of her as she threw her into the floor accidentally with the force of her grip.

  Natasha quickly was back on her feet again, but as soon as she made a move to attack, Carol shot her hands out, grabbing Natasha’s shoulders in her hands firmly as she met her eyes. Natasha started trying to jerk herself out from Carol’s grip, but Carol remained steadfast, fighting for a strong grip. She grabbed the back of Natasha’s neck with a hand, searching for purchase as she grappled with her.

  There was a reason that Natasha was considered the slipperiest and most agile person on the team, and Carol was quickly figuring that out as she fought to keep ahold of her without hurting her with her super strength.

  “Natasha, stop,” Carol breathed out between them. Natasha just glared daggers at her, obviously nowhere near back to normal as she seemed almost feral.

  “It’s me. It’s Carol,” Carol tried to break through to her, and Natasha surged toward her a little, trying to push through her hands. Carol simply kept ahold of her.

  “C’mon, Nat,” Carol pleaded with her, but there was absolutely no response. Instead, Natasha just lunged once again. Carol tightened her hands around her again, her mind racing as she tried to think of some way to break through.

  “Gosh, I don’t know how to get through to you,” Carol uttered her thoughts aloud, her voice soft as she never removed her gaze from Natasha’s. She was aware that on one hand, it might appear like a challenge to the woman before her, but she was also hoping that maybe she could reach through to her if she looked into her eyes long enough.

  She had no idea how Yelena usually pulled Natasha out of these episodes. She did not ever know the details of Natasha’s trauma-related issues, but she knew enough to know Yelena was always able to do so. She knew that even Kate was able to coax Natasha out of them usually.

  She just had to find something that would pull her out of this fit and this animalistic rage. She knew that putting her hands on Natasha was definitely not helping things, but she literally had to keep ahold of her to keep her from trying to attack. She also knew that saying things to her was not going too well either. However, it seemed like her only option at the moment, unfortunately.

  Carol swallowed, trying to think of some phrase or words that meant something to the both of them. Something that would bring her out of whatever memories she was locked into now.

  In the midst of her thoughts, she must have loosened her grip just a little. Natasha quickly took advantage of the opening and brutally crushed her elbow into Carol’s chin. Carol’s teeth clacked painfully in her mouth, and she let out a cry, having not been braced for the hit.

  Natasha immediately made a move to jump at her again and entwine herself around her, but Carol swiftly surged forward, grabbing Natasha as she got the tightest grip she had so far upon her. She grasped her wrists firmly, and she moved forward to slam the redhead into the wall. Natasha gasped hard, the breath knocked out of her, and Carol felt guilt surging through her.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Carol tried to soothe, but Natasha quickly got that wild look in her eyes again and started fighting once again to get out of her grip, grunting as she struggled to get away.

  It was then that the perfect words to say just happened to hit her as she fought the woman.

  “Where’s Fury?” Carol attempted, using the playful voice that she usually had when she made a point to try to sneak up on Natasha when Carol had not seen her in a while. Natasha immediately froze in her efforts to fight her.

  After a long pause with no belligerence on the redhead’s part, Carol slowly started loosening her grip. Natasha took in a sharp breath, fully taking in the fact that Carol was standing there holding onto her. Natasha remained silent for a while, her eyes a bit glassy as she slowly took in the sight of Carol. Carol slipped her hands away from Natasha’s wrists in favor of moving one to her shoulder and the other just barely touching her waist in case she needed to grab her again.

  “Carol,” Natasha breathed finally, recognition in her stare, and Carol almost sighed with relief.

  “It’s me. It’s okay,” Carol whispered in acknowledgement, preparing to take her hands away from Natasha so that she did not overwhelm her.

  However, just before she did, Natasha suddenly just collapsed into her, and Carol had to swiftly grab her to keep her from falling. Carol’s eyes widened a bit as she returned the embrace and encircled Natasha in her arms. She rested her head tentatively on Natasha’s as she hugged her back.

  Natasha let out a long, shaky sigh as she gripped Carol tightly, her fingers trying to gain purchase in the fabric of Carol’s suit. Carol took in a deep breath as she remained steady and held Natasha’s slightly trembling body. The entire thing felt slightly awkward given the fact that the hard, metal star in the center of her chest-piece of her suit was pressing into Natasha unforgivingly, but Natasha did not seem to mind too much.

  There was a long while of silence where Carol just alternated between rubbing her back and squeezing her a little more tightly. Natasha kept getting closer even though there was realistically no way to do so, seeking some manner of comfort that Carol had no idea how to begin giving.

  “How long?” the redhead finally asked, her voice soft.

  Carol was quiet for a moment, trying to understand Natasha’s question. After a moment, it quickly occurred to her that she was asking how long she had been performing ballet routines.

  “I don’t know. I walked in on it about twenty, twenty-five minutes ago,” Carol answered, giving an estimate of the time. She made sure to keep her voice at the same volume as Natasha was speaking to avoid being too abrasive in the face of Natasha’s vulnerability. Natasha swallowed hard, retreating within herself as she presumably remained absorbed in her own thoughts.

  “Where’s Yelena?” Natasha questioned, and Carol shrugged, starting to loosen her hold just barely.

  “I guess still sleeping. I can go get her if you—”

  “No,” Natasha abruptly interrupted her, and Carol quieted, waiting for Natasha to speak. Natasha’s full body weight leaned harder into Carol, but she did not budge, the weight feeling like nothing compared to the amount of power coursing through her veins.

  “I don’t want her to worry,” Natasha admitted. Carol nodded in understanding. It was a sentiment that she could completely respect since she had often done the same thing with Maria. Even though it never ended up working too effectively since Maria knew her far too well. She suspected that Yelena would likely figure out about Natasha’s incident tonight, too.

  Carol allowed her to remain there against her, and she stayed still, uncertain of what to do to make things better. She was more of a doer and when it came to comforting people, she wanted to fix things. She wanted to get up and go take care of whatever was hurting someone.

  But when the problem was within their own mind or within themselves, however, she felt entirely powerless.

  “What can I do?” Carol finally asked her, hoping that if she had a clear vision of what to do that she could help somehow.

  “Just… Just be here. Please,” Natasha whispered, and Carol immediately felt her heart hurting for the other woman, the pulsating pain growing stronger as she remained there as Natasha’s rock. She squeezed her more firmly, moving her head to the side as she pressed her cheek to the top of Natasha’s head.

  “Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere,” Carol replied gently, and Natasha let out a long, deep breath, closing her eyes.

  And she would definitely be there for her as long as she needed her.

[shiningstarr15]

Hi!! Here's a request if you're interested! Maybe we could see some Yelena taking care of Natasha...maybe Natasha has a nightmare and wants Yelena to hold her (since it's usually the other way around) but she feels embarrassed so she tries to cover up her clinginess, but Yelena figures it out and assures her that Yelena wants to comfort Natasha just as much as Natasha comforts Yelena

Feel free to change this around or just completely ignore it lol, either way I'm in love with your stories and super excited for what'll happen next!!

Hii thanks so much for your request! I really did enjoy this one even though it took me about a week to write it fully 😅 I really hope that you like what came out and hopefully it makes sense since it was written out in pieces. (I work in a school and fall break is approaching so my body is going into early burnout lol)

Hope you enjoy!

And once again, I can’t write short stories to save my life 😬

TW- PTSD, minor injury, implied past abuse

Word count- 3,980

———————————————————————

It was at least a quarter til noon when the blonde assassin started to stir.

Yelena slowly opened her eyes, stretching her arms a little to the side and letting out a low groan before flopping her arms back down. She was very tempted to just pull the covers over her head.

Between going back and forth from being a leader of the quest to free all the remaining widows, and playing off the stereotypical annoying little sister to the one Natasha Romanoff, Yelena was exhausted.

Of course, it was no secret which role she preferred.

As happy as she was to be helping free the widows from the mind control that sapped away their freedom and free will, and the joy she felt giving that to them was unparalleled, there was still the more selfish side that wanted to make up for the childhood that she lost. The one she should’ve had with her family. The one she wanted with her sister. .

And now she had a second chance at it.

Yelena grinned a tiny grin as she decided to yank the covers off her and get ready for the day. It was pretty late even for her but she didn’t have any missions for a hot minute while Melina whipped up another batch of the antidote. So she had plenty of time to just be the annoying sister she was always destined to be.

After brushing her teeth Yelena bounded her way into the front room to greet her favorite sister with a smile on her face.

When she got to the front of the safe house she spotted her sister, sluggishly making a pot of coffee.

Natasha turned her head a bit to offer her sister a small grin.

And Yelena immediately knew something was off.

Natasha’s entire body was stiff and sluggish, their were dark bags under her eyes from where she had obviously lost sleep at some point, and the grin on her face was way too forced.

And if Yelena wasn’t a trained assassin, she may have missed the ever so slight flinch from Natasha when she heard Yelena bounding in the room.

Yelena’s mood immediately flattened as she took in the stoic stature of someone who was clearly just going through the motions, as she realized that the person in front of her was not her sister Natasha.

But of her persona, the Black Widow.

“Morning, Lena” Natasha practically slurred in a very monotone voice.

Yelena slumped, taking note of the lack of inflection in her sister’s voice. A clear indication that something was off. However, she still had chose to address her with one of her endearing nicknames. This didn’t go unnoticed.

Therefore, the blonde assumed that perhaps her sister was just in a bad mood, and decided she just needed to cheer her up.

Cue the endearing yet annoying little sister.

“You know, it isn’t really morning anymore if it’s only a few minutes til noon, poser,” Yelena quipped back, mischief radiating from her eyes scanning for her sister’s reaction.

However, Natasha’s face remained stoic and expressionless as she responded

“Oh yea. You’re right, sorry. Good afternoon,” Natasha corrected herself. She gave her sister a tiny grin but other than that didn’t make any other remark.

Now Yelena was worried.

Never in a million years would she just admit that her baby sister was right about something. It was the unwritten code of the sister handbook. The big sister was always right, even when she was wrong.

So she decided to change tactics.

Yelena padded softly over to where Natasha was busying herself with pouring a bowl of cereal, no doubt being for her. She stood behind her and slowly wrapped her arms around her sisters waist, gingerly placing her chin on Natasha’s shoulder and peering over it. Natasha’s tension melted ever so slightly but she was still obviously stiff.

Yelena cocked her head a little to the side, her golden greens gazing into Natasha’s own pools of emerald. The blonde immediately noticed how that natural sparkle in her eyes was not present. They just looked… empty.

Yelena felt her heart crack at the sight of her big sister looking so void of emotion. She hadn’t seen her this closed off since their impromptu reunion back in Budapest just a few weeks ago. And even then, there was still some spark behind those cold peering eyes when she laid them onto her.

Yelena watched as the cereal fell from the box into the bowl. As Natasha reached over to grab the milk, Yelena put her arm out to stop her.

“I don’t want milk in it.”

It was a cheap move that was sure to backfire. Even in her worst state, Natasha’s big sister instincts had to kick in to make sure she wasn’t deprived of nutrients.

“Ok then, here.”

Not a fight to be had.

Yelena shoved herself away from her sister’s grasp and just gaped at her, her eyes widened in fear and worry. Natasha’s stance stiffened back up as her own eyes widened a little at the quick action.

“Ok, who are you and what have you done with my sister?” Yelena questioned. It was a playful inquiry but her position remained completely serious. She truly did not know this person in front of her right now.

Natasha remained neutral, standing there slightly slumped over with the bowl of dry cereal. She pursed her lips into a thin line, cocking her head a bit like a confused puppy.

“What are you talking about? I’m right here.” Natasha deadpanned. Yelena looked at her with bewilderment.

“No. My sister wouldn’t just stand there and let me be a smartass to her freely and she definitely wouldn’t let me eat just sugar.” Yelena took a step forward, her eyes staring at Natasha’s frozen, unreadable expression.

“What’s going on?”

Natasha’s face softened ever so slightly and Yelena could see that she was starting to get to her to crack. However, Natasha just swiftly turned her back to Yelena, a move that left her a little dazed.

“Nothing is wrong, Yelena. I’m just having an off kind of morning. I’ll be fine ok?” Natasha’s voice sounded sincere but also fake at the same time. Yelena bit her lip, trying to think of how to respond. She knew something was wrong with her sister, yet she had no idea how to help her.

And it frustrated her to no end.

“Fine. Be that way.” Yelena spat out in her frustration, finally just taking the bowl and marching off towards the couch. Natasha just remained in her same position standing over the counter.

With her sister’s back turned to her, Natasha leaned a little against the counter. Fighting back tears that were threatening to spill from her eyes. She closed them tightly and focused on her breathing. After a minute or so, she turned around to look at her sister. She was leaning against the arm of the couch, her feet propped up as she vicariously popped little bites of cereal into her mouth. Natasha couldn’t see the expression on her face. She was kind of glad not to. She just knew it would not be a pleasant one.

After another few minutes, Yelena suddenly got up and headed back towards the kitchen. Natasha immediately threw her wall back up, feigning contentment. Meanwhile, her sister had a look of displeasure. As she put the empty bowl on the counter, she gave Natasha a once-over.

“Sorry.”

Yelena spoke in a near whisper. Natasha immediately felt her heart breaking knowing that her baby sister was distressed. She watched as Yelena just went back into the living area and sat down, arms crossed over her chest. She didn’t even attempt any kind of adoration.

So much for a good morning.

———————————

As the night fell, Yelena found herself curled up in the bed unable to sleep. Her eyes glazed over as she tried to process the days events. Despite the little morning snuggle that she gave Natasha earlier, Yelena hadn’t made any further attempts at physical affection. Which was unusual for the usually touch starved woman.

As much as she tried not to, Yelena found herself lost in her head, debating over and over whether or not Natasha’s unusual behavior was her doing or not. Had she finally taken it too far and Natasha was fed up with Yelena’s overly clingy behavior? Did she do or say something that was inappropriate or too immature? Yelena knew in the back of her mind that she was a big kid in an adult’s body. When your youth is taken from you at such a young age, you tend to regress back to those simpler days, and Yelena would give anything to be a six year old again.

Despite all of this however, Yelena also knew that she was in fact an adult. She was fluent in multiple languages, could drive or pilot any kind of transportation, was mastered in every fighting style and technique, and was knowledgeable in every weapon based on texture, style, and damage it could inhibit. In the Red Room, she quickly rose in the ranks, learning faster than any other girl that came through. Eventually she was dubbed the “world’s greatest child assassin,” a title she was unsure she should be proud of or disgusted by.

Yelena was seen as a leader. She lead in multiple missions for the Red Room, often garnering her praise from both handlers and other fellow widows. She had led the group of widows charged with retrieving the antidote for the Red Room before she was ultimately freed from mind control.

And now she was in charge of freeing the remaining widows.

If she were being totally honest, Yelena wasn’t sure how she felt about being a leader. On one hand, she appreciated the respect and discipline that came with being in charge. But on the other hand, there was a lot of pressure on her shoulders for delivering answers that she simply didn’t have. It was draining to watch the young girls awake, frightened and confused, and demanding answers. So much so that she often found herself regressing to that little girl she once was in Ohio.

Though she would never admit it, she tended to get embarrassed over how childlike she could revert to. From a badass assassin to a spoiled little kid in a matter of seconds. She wondered if being around her big sister had something to do with that.

When she was around Natasha, she didn’t have to be the strong badass assassin leader. She could simply just be the little sister. She trusted Natasha with her life and knew that whatever happened, she would keep her safe.

Yelena was shaken from her thoughts by the lump beside her starting to violently twitch. Yelena furrowed her brow, sitting up slightly and propping herself up on her elbows. Natasha was usually a pretty still sleeper, hardly even stirring to move positions. The only time she even flinched was when Yelena would drape her arm over her waist.

But now the redhead turned blonde was visibly shaking under the covers, her face contorted into that of utmost discomfort. Yelena felt panic rising in her, wanting so desperately to help her big sister but unsure how. She gingerly removed the covers from herself and maneuvered over to her sister’s shaking form. She slowly rose her arm and went to place it on her sister’s shoulder.

“Natashka?”

As soon her hand made contact, Yelena watched in horror as her sister sprung up and threw herself on top of her, making a swift grab for her neck.

Yelena noticed the wild and feral look in Natasha’s eyes as she lay there gasping for air. The look was icy cold and darkened. She realized in that moment that she was dealing with the Black Widow. Her hands made quick movement to try and dislodge the firm hold but they would not budge.

“Natasha! S-stop! It’s..m-me..” Yelena gasped out. Her visionrsion was turning blurry as she continued to wrestle with the right fingers around her throat.

“ne trogay menya ili ya ub'yu tebya!” she heard the Black Widow scream out in their native tongue. Yelena’s eyes widened as she started to piece together what was going on.

Yelena was losing consciousness fast. In a last ditch effort, she pulled out her best pouty face and squeaked out the words she hoped would bring her sister back.

“…We’re both upside down...”

Almost instantaneously, the wild look in Black Widow melted away and was replaced with the shining emerald eyes of her sister. Natasha looked down and immediately removed her hands and vaulted off her sister’s waist.

Yelena gasped as the air suddenly started to flow freely back to her lungs, she placed her hand on a particularly sore spot that was for sure to bruise. As soon as she regained composure, she sat up and noticed the absolute terror that fell upon her sister as she was coming to the realization of what she had just done.

“No…”

Natasha looked down at her trembling hands and balled them into tight fists. Yelena still had her hand on her neck, gently adding pressuring to the sore spot. She froze, afraid to make any sudden movements as she contemplated what to say.

“Natasha, it’s ok, I’m..”

“I hurt you.”

Yelena felt her lip quiver slightly as her vision blurred again, this time from tears threatening to fall. She knew Natasha hadn’t meant to hurt her on purpose. The nightmares of the Red Room could be so surreal that it was hard to come back to reality. Yelena had them dozens of times. And each time it always took her a few minutes ground herself back to reality. She should’ve known Natasha would have the same issue.

“It’s ok, you didn’t mean to, I shouldn’t have touched you, I…”

Yelena trailed off as Natasha made a quick motion over toward where her sister sat. She brought her hand up to where Yelena had been rubbing the sore sport and gently went to remove it to reveal the bright purple mark.

Natasha gasped, eyes as big as saucers as she takes in her baby sister’s wound. The wound that she had caused. Natasha immediately jumped up off the bed and bolted out the bedroom door. Yelena barely had time to react before she herself was scurrying after her.

As she caught up with her, Yelena spotted her sister grabbing her laptop, burner phone, and clothes and shoving them into a backpack. Yelena felt her heart start to accelerate as she witnessed her sister’s frantic state that was deliberately avoiding eye contact with her.

“What are you doing?” Yelena’s voice was shaky as she addressed her sister. Natasha paused momentarily at the sound of her voice, still avoiding looking her in the eyes.

“I can’t stay here.”

Yelena felt panic start to rise again as she took in her sister’s frantic state. She watched as Natasha started to zip her bag and sling it around her shoulder. As she did, she spotted the set of keys sitting on the counter. As Natasha made her way over to them, Yelena dove for them and snatched them up quickly, keeping them out of her reach.

“Yelena, give me the keys.”

“No! You’re not leaving!”

Yelena knew her whining made her sound like a little kid, but in this moment in time she simply didn’t give a shit. Natasha huffed as she pivoted and made her way to the door. She’d walk instead if she had to. Yelena’s frustration was turning to anger as she watched her stubborn sister refuse to listen to reason.

“Do not walk out that door!”

Natasha stopped again, not turning around at the fear of facing her distraught sister. She continued to maintain a calm demeanor. One that was now starting to piss Yelena off.

“Please, just let me go.”

“I’m not letting you leave!”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You will be if you walk out that door!”

Natasha remained there in a stand-off with the woman who was begging her to stay as if she didn’t just almost strangle the life out of her. She refused to turn around as she felt tears start to build in the corners of her eyes. She let out a deep sigh as she cocked her head a little. She was starting to lose her composure.

“I’m sorry.”

Natasha made a beeline for the door. Yelena felt as if her heart was breaking and she started to feel her breath become more and more hitched. As she watched Natasha approach the door and start to turn it, she decided to make one last attempt to stop her. Something she hadn’t done since she was 6 years old.

Yelena dove down to the ground, and latched onto her sister’s legs, effectively holding her in place.

Natasha stood there shocked, then started furiously wiggling and trying to shake her sister off. But Yelena had a vice grip on her, positioning herself up further on Natasha’s legs and coiling herself around them like a cobra.

“Let go!”

“No!”

In the midst of her sister’s wiggling and frustration, Yelena suddenly let out an ear piercing scream, stopping Natasha dead in her tracks. She hadn’t seen Yelena act like this since she was a little kid.

“pozhaluysta, ne ostavlyay menya snova…”

At those words, Natasha’s entire resolve crumbled to dust. She immediately stood stagnant, feeling as Yelena’s tears started to stain her pajama pants. When she noticed her sister no longer fighting, Yelena let go, crumbling to the floor and bringing her knees up to her face and hugging them to her chest. She was shaking like a leaf but her wailing had diminished to light whimpers as she saw Natasha drop to the floor.

Yelena poked her head up from her knees as she watched her normally strong and brave sister crumble to pieces. Tears started falling fresh from Natasha’s eyes as her entire mask fell down. She sat on her knees and let the tears fall fresh onto the ground. Yelena frowned deeply as she heard the choked sobs and whimpers coming from Natasha’s throat as her own were starting to dry on her face.

Yelena found herself frozen for the second time that night. She knew she needed to approach her, but found that she was scared of the repercussions it might bring if she made the wrong move. It was a rare occurrence that the two found their roles swapping as Yelena took care of her older sister instead of the other way around. But that’s exactly what she needed to do right now.

Yelena crawled over to where her sister was slumped down and repositioned herself right in front of her. She took in the fresh tear stains and trembling lips that placated Natasha’s face. She bent down a little to try and get Natasha to make eye contact while she contemplated what to say. But of course, she beat her to the punch.

“What’s wrong with me?”

Yelena bit her lip as she brought her hand up and under Natasha’s chin. She slowly lifted her head up until she was finally level with her eyes. Natasha’s eyes were shining with the wetness from the tears, though it was a welcome change from the hollowed out look in them Yelena saw that previous morning. She inhaled sharply through her nose before answering.

“You’re human.”

Now it was Natasha’s turn to have her lip quiver. Her eyes were more focused on the purple bruise on her sister’s neck. She felt a rush of shame course through her as she reached out to gently caress the mark. Yelena remained unmoving, trusting her sister fully.

“I did that.”

Natasha’s voice cracked as she fully started to comprehend the situation and how much she had truly hurt her sister that day.

“I hurt you.”

“You didn’t mean to,” Yelena whispered. Natasha was barely moved.

“But I still did.”

Natasha remained stubborn in her position, but Yelena was not gonna back down. She moved to place her hand on the back of Natasha’s neck, grounding her as much as she could while also openly inviting her to spill her guts.

“They got to me. I let them get to me. And I hurt you. Again…” Natasha started to confess through shaky breaths. Yelena didn’t say anything, just letting her sister say whatever she needed to say.

“I tried to fight it, so you wouldn’t see how weak I actually am. I’m your big sister. I’m… supposed to be strong,” Natasha admitted brokenly.

Yelena shook her head, moving her hand to Natasha’s chin to lift it up again. She pressed her forehead to her sister’s.

“You’re an idiot.”

Now she had Natasha’s full attention as her head snapped back. Yelena glared daggers as her sister. Natasha found herself quivering ever so slightly.

“You think that by closing yourself off that you’re protecting me? You’re only hurting yourself. And in turn, you’re hurting me. You’re pain is my pain, Natashka,” Yelena told her sincerely.

Natasha looked away for a brief second as she took in her sister’s words. Yelena remained firm in her spot, hand still on the back of Natasha’s neck.

“I could’ve killed you.”

“You wouldn’t do that.”

“How do you know?”

Yelena softened her gaze ever so slightly as she turned Natasha’s face back towards her.

“Because I believe in you.”

Natasha felt fresh tears start to trickle down her cheeks again. Yelena gently used the pad of her thumb to wipe one of them, feeling as Natasha leaned into the touch.

“But… what if I’m not good for you?”

Yelena furrowed her brow, breathing sharply through her nose again.

“You don’t get to decide that.”

Natasha cocked her eyebrow, genuine confusion on her face, prompting Yelena to further explain.

“You are your own worst critic. Just because you don’t think you’re a good person doesn’t mean you aren’t. If I didn’t feel safe around you, I wouldn’t be here. Simple as that,” Yelena stated firmly.

Natasha finally relented and nodded her head.

“When did you become so wise, Malyshka?” Natasha told her with a slight tease back in her voice.

Yelena felt a bout of pressure leaving her chest as she saw her sister starting to listen to reason. She let go of her neck and opened her arms up, inviting her big sister to step in. Natasha obliged, practically falling onto her as Yelena held her tightly to her chest. Natasha silently wept a few stray tears into her chest while Yelena ran her fingers through her hair. After a few minutes, there were only a few sniffles that remained. Yelena chose this time to speak up.

“If you are hurting, please come to me. Whether it’s a nightmare or a bad thought. Don’t hide it from me. Promise me?”

Natasha lifted her head up, her bloodshot eyes shimmering with the love and adoration that was absent earlier. She was the proudest big sister in that moment.

“Promise.”

Yelena hummed in contentment, lifting up off her legs while helping guide Natasha up as well. She pulled the bag off her shoulders and threw it down onto the couch as she helped guide them back to the bedroom. For the first time, Yelena was the one to guide Natasha down onto her as their eyelids finally started to grow heavy. She placed a tiny kiss to her big sister’s head as she listened to the steady beat of her heart against her.

Cuddled up against her baby sister, Natasha’s nightmares ceased to exist the rest of the night, replaced with overflowing pride for the amazing and bright young woman Yelena had become.

She couldn’t have asked for a better sister.

—————————————————————-

Translation:

ne trogay menya ili ya ub'yu tebya- don’t touch me I’ll kill you

pozhaluysta, ne ostavlyay menya snova- please don’t leave me again

[sennaverstappen]

[dkniade]

Man. Yeah I guess it’s like that

Most people: autumn is so beautiful & nostalgic oh man I love getting bundled up in layers and drinking warm drinks

Me:

Me: maybe if I start thinking about Kazuha (or all of Liyue) I’ll associate the season with something nice

Me: …and hope it doesn’t backfire and make me sad thinking about them, like what previously happened with Kaeya

[mountinez]

anyways, my ship is on the final i'm happy with whoever wins