#50 to 75k words

[hp-fanfic-archive]

Wish You Were Here by afieryfox Pairing: Remus/Sirius Rating: M Word Count: 69k Moony and Padfoot are both well-known online streamers that meet in an Among Us lobby organized by Lily. They instantly connect with their quick banter and similar interests, even with a whole ocean between them. Remus is alright with crushing on Sirius from afar. Until fans start shipping them and give them the name Wolfstar. Utterly ridiculous, of course. But why does Remus’ heart make a leap every time he thinks about it? And why, after countless hours on Discord calls, does he get the feeling that Sirius might feel the same? (shout out to @whatemidoing, who recommended this in response to this post!)

[rec-collection]

So Low Beneath The Foam - theashcroftmoon canon divergence, angst, hurt/comfort era: bullets

After everything, even after everything, Gerard is still the great love of Frank's life. Frank probably knows that. Jeph probably knows that, too. But damn, if Jeph doesn't make him second guess. - It's early 2005 and the thirty-seven day stretch of the Taste of Chaos tour is well underway. Frank is revelling in the nostalgic discomfort of living on top of the four other members of his band, ignoring the persistent feeling that one of them is fighting a long played out battle of self destruction. Finding solace on a bus just across the lot, Frank comes to realise that old habits die hard, and some vices are likely to lead him down the same path, if only he could remember.

Pairing: frank/jepha, frank/gerard, bert/gerard | Rating: e | Words: 57k | Status: WIP/UNFINISHED | No Warnings

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

this might seem like petty fandom drama for warning but im really thinking I might be an asshole

I (early 30’s NB) and my friend (mid 30’s F) are both writers in a fandom that’s very active with events and fest. Even though i can write good amount of words on a nice day and my longest fic is 75k ongoing this in kinda back story to understand.

She’s slow and doesn’t write long fics which is fine ppl write differently. Here is the problem. She likes to sign up for the events and fest but 50/50 if she finishes or asks for an extension i asked her why she keeps doing this when she spam text me in panic over it and she always answers ‘idk’

Here is the part i wonder if im the asshole. She has a fest and is struggling and needs my help. Which she asked after ignoring me for days but im used to it she’s very hot and cold plus in the middle of a hyperfixation.

I asked her what was up and she asked me if i could write a few paragraphs to get her started with this prompt and i without thinking and 12 years of friendship ofc!

I wrote six paragraphs setting up location back story hints of things that could cause conflict later the feelings of character A to character B setting up the pinning and the hints of relationships growing to be a misunderstanding.

Basically i set up the whole fucking fic. This is where i start it wonder if AITA. Wasn’t that cheating? It’s for a fest and i basically set up her fic. My moral compass isn’t that straight but something about this makes me feel like an asshole

AITA for helping my friend ‘cheat’ on a fic for a fest

info:

our writing styles are completely different to the point it’s probs noticeable

Idk which fest she enters so many

And I won’t report it

What are these acronyms?

[mostremote]

woo We Wild Creatures part 1 complete! I thought it would be like, 50-75k words and it turned out to be.... um 122k. oops. sorry.

I'm taking some time off before starting part 2. I really want to finish some of my shorter pieces (let. snow. get. pegged!!!) and at least get a few chapters drafted of part 2 before I start posting. So I'll still be posting eversnow every week (until i die, probably) but it might be a month before I resume WWC.

Thanks everyone for sticking along for the ride! remember to 1) Keep sexualising that old man; 2) Never stop recounting his war crimes!

[avocado-writing]

Dear, I wrote a 75k novel and it has literally NEVER been recc’d anywhere. You should write for yourself first because you are the audience. We all like your work, but you should be true to your own visions first. It is difficult for sure in a world that eats up “content creators”. But you are a writer, not a “content producer”. And this is fun, not work. Do what makes you happy for fun, and take joy in those of us who also derive joy from your work. Each of those “barely 50 likes” come from whole ass people who live, breathe, and think. And they took time from their days to enjoy what you have been gracious enough to share with us.

All this to say, I understand the frustration in working hard on something for little acclaim. But remember your work is for YOU. If it’s not for you, you’re always going to be unhappy. There will NEVER be enough acclaim and praise to satisfy.

yeah, that is all true to be fair. thank you for your kind and wise words. it's hard to make these facts sink in when your brain feels like it has a hole in it

[mari-novak]

Masterlist - Star Wars

Charting the Stars

Complete - 145,389 words - 12/12 Chapters - Rated M My personal rating of this is an 8/10, which is about as high as I'm wiling to go for my own writing. This is my baby, my pride and joy. I will warn that it deals with the topic of child abuse, but it is largely implied. More details can be found in the tags and the warnings preceding every chapter. Summary: An AU where Darth Vader found out he had a son, intercepted Obi-Wan on his way to Tatooine, and took Luke. To keep him safe from the Emperor, he hid him away on Arvala-7, where years later Din Djarin would land to collect a bounty on a 50-year-old child. Having never seen the galaxy except for what was visible from his singular window, Luke decides to go with the Mandalorian when he leaves.

New Beginnings

Complete - 26,399 words - 4/4 chapters - Rated T I give this one a 6.5/10, people seemed to really enjoy it based on the comments and kudos to hits ratio, but I feel like I really put the fast in fast burn. I wish I had taken more time to flesh things out a bit more. Summary: In which Din fosters Grogu and has to begin taking him to church due to a request from his birth parents' will. Luke is the priest at said church.

A Dying Star

In drafts - Expected ~75k words - 0/8 chapters - Rated M I don't have a score for this one yet, but I'll give a bit more detail of what to expect from it; it is set to follow Leia's journey of becoming a Jedi, similar to Luke's in canon, but with significant differences. Most of these changes are brought on by the fact that Obi-Wan survives rescuing her on the Death Star, and her being consumed by grief and rage at the destruction of Alderaan. While she does have a romantic interest in Han, the larger focus is on the bond she has with Obi-Wan and her own emotional development. Summary: After Luke is taken by Vader as a baby on his way to Tatooine, Obi-Wan must instead turn his efforts toward Alderaan, to a new hope. This is a prequel to Charting the Stars, but can stand on its own. The fics can be read in any order.

Exhale

Complete - 8,551 words - One chapter - Rated M I would give this one an 8/10, I was really excited to write this little one-shot. It was the first time I had a beta reader as well, so I was very happy with the quality of the end result. It is going to be part of a series of one-shots about different clones directly after Order 66 went out and is canon compliant. This one focuses on Cody and has some implied Codywan, but nothing overt. Summary: The occupation of Kashyyk had watered the seeds of doubt that had been planted minutes after Order 66, and seeing his brothers change the way they had convinced Cody entirely of something being wrong. So when night fell two days after the mission with Crosshair on Desix, he simply got up and left.

[baublekute]

WIP Wednesday

Status: 19065 words out of a planned 50-75k.

Valerie/River Ward Romance Cyberpunk fanfic. I'm a plotter not a pantser so I can't release until it's done. Scenes all planned out. ~37 chapters + an epilogue. Chunk of chapter titles chosen. Title of fic chosen. A little each day.

[love-bokumono-fics]

Fresh Crops! November 20 - November 26, 2023

This week's newest fics and chapter updates for Harvest Moon and Story of Seasons on AO3!

The Princess and the Carpenter - by SymphonicFantasia; WIP, 10/50, 1.4k

Rating: General Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M Fandoms: Magical Melody, Save the Homeland, Hero of Leaf Valley Relationship: Dia/Kurt | Hayato; Characters: Dia, Kurt Summary: They weren't so different from one another although others may not think so. Just because she was a "princess" didn't mean that the carpenter didn't belong with her. It just took a bit of chiseling to see who they really were deep down. And even then, they would only show those halves to one another.

Star Spangled Bandanna - by SymphonicFantasia; WIP, 35/100, 3.5k

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Categories: F/M, Gen Fandoms: Save the Homeland, Hero of Leaf Valley, Magical Melody Relationships: Katie/Joe | Shin, Amanda | Tina/Joe | Shin; Characters: Joe, Tina, Katie, Kurt Additional Tags: Character Study, Minor Character Death, Found Family Summary: He was the more outgoing brother. He made a statement that way. Even if the statement was simply saying he liked to fish.

Vol.1: The Egg Thief - by dicelady20; WIP, 19/20, 75k

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences; Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence; Category: F/M Fandoms: Dragon Ball GT/Z, Friends of Mineral Town Characters: Trunks Briefs, Claire the Farmer Additional Tags: Harvest Moon, Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball GT, Romance, Slow Burn, Martial Arts, Cussing, Crossover, Healing, city vibes, dark scenes, POV Multiple, POV Third Person Limited, Mild Gore, Supernatural Elements, First Meetings, story of seasons, Alternative Perspective, Don't copy to another website, Don't Have to Know Canon, To Be Continued Summary: Claire and Trunks are from two different worlds, both literally and metaphorically. Dragons, fairies, and nightmares (oh my!)? As their two worlds collide, what could possibly go wrong?

The Scientist and his Farmer - by Daryls_Favourite; WIP, 9/?, 9.7k

Rating: Not Rated; Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings; Category: F/M Fandoms: A Wonderful Life Relationship: Daryl/reader; Characters: Daryl, Rock, Muffy | Molly, Marlin | Matthew, Forgotten valley villagers, Reader Summary: You have been living in forgotten valley for a little under a year. Winter is underway and you need to keep your farm afloat whilst also trying to court a suitable spouse.

Only In My Imagination - by Perversions; Complete, 1/1, 2.4k

Rating: Explicit; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: M/M Fandoms: Pioneers of Olive Town Relationships: Clemens/Eiji; Characters: Clemens, Male Farmer Additional Tags: **NOTE: Some tags have been removed to remain Safe For Tumblr. Please see AO3 for full tag list** Imagination, Fantasy Sex, Unrequited Love, Unrequited Crush, Sex Toys, Eiji's got it bad, there's not enough fics for this fandom is there, Overstimulation, Dirty Talk, Clothed Sex, Naked Male Clothed Male, Making Love

Here You Come Again - by SeasonSuite; WIP, 17/?, 67k

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M Fandoms: Trio of Towns Relationships: Female Farmer/Wayne, Minor or Background Relationship(s); Characters: Farmer, Wayne, Frank, Lisette, Ford, Ludus, Trio of Towns ensemble Additional Tags: Crushes, Falling In Love, Love, farming, Fluff, dolly parton references, Friends to Lovers, cowboy aesthetic, idiots to lovers, Day At The Beach, Flowers, Romance, My First Fanfic, Bonding, Feelings, Humor, Slow Build, Did I Mention Fluff, Angst Summary: On the first day of her new life, June meets a handsome, smooth-talking postman. Caught between his seemingly earnest words and his philandering reputation, she writes him off as bad news. Over the year, as June struggles to build her new farm, Wayne proves her wrong—then right—then wrong again. or, Westown's charming postman is known for being perfect, and he's usually happy to play the part. But when a new farmer tries to get to know the real him, Wayne learns that to be loved, he has to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.

Muffy’s Cucumber time - by Thefallen1986; Complete, 1/1, <1k

Rating: Explicit; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply Fandoms: A Wonderful Life, HM DS Character: Muffy | Molly Additional Tags: **NOTE: Some tags have been removed to remain Safe for Tumblr. Please see AO3 for full tag list.** Food Kink, Food Sex, Improvised Sex Toys, Sexual Fantasy Summary: Muffy has some fun with the farmers latest crop.

[author-a-holmes]

Nanowrimo 2023 Begins...

... and this here is my accountability post!

There's going to be a lot of numbers beneath the cut, so if you're not interested in that the "Too long, didn't read" portion of this post is that I'm going to aim for 75,000 words over 30 days.

That's 2,500 words a day, and 2,000 words more than my all-time record in a month.

I'll also be doing Check-in posts ever 5 days throughout November.

So wish me luck!

But for those of you curious about the why's behind this, here are the numbers and why I've chosen to do 75k...

So here's the plan lovelies. My current draft of Darkling is sitting at 41,830 words. Round that up to 42,000.

Based on the outline, I think I'm about 50% of the way through the book.

That makes it about 84,000 words long.

But I always, always, always, write more than I outline. So let's assume that holds true and round that number up to 90,000 words for the completed draft.

In which case, I need to write aproximately 50,000 words. Which, as I'm sure many of you know, is the standard goal for Nanowrimo.

But, my own personal pet peeve with numbers means I hate that 50k means I have to write 1,667 words a day to meet it, so again we'll round up.

2,000 words a day, over 30 days, is 60,000 words. And that's the goal I usually set myself during a Nano Event.

So why, you may be asking, is my announced wordcouunt 75,000 words?

Well it's because I also have a 5-6k bonus scene I want to write as a preorder gift. And, if possible, I'd also like to continue on from the end of Darkling, straight into the first two or three chapters of Fey Touched so that the transition between books reads smoothly. Three chapters would be about 9,000 words, hence my 75,000 word goal.

And as an added incentive, it's kind of a personal test for myself. My record wordcount in a month is 73,000 words, with 7 days where I wrote 0 words due to other obligations or ill health, or what have you. So I'm going to try and see if I can break my own record.

As always though, I'll be prioritising self care. I won't be letting my health or my sleep suffer for Nanowrimo, this is just to see if I can and if I can't there's always December.

2,500 words a day, for 30 days.

Average of 300 words per 20 minute sprint.

9 sprints a day would be 3 hours of writing, resulting in 2,700 words a day...

Culminating in 75,000 words total.

Let's seee how it goes.

[hp-fanfic-archive]

Beekeeping in the Daylight by halictus Pairing: Remus/Sirius, James/Lily Rating: T Word Count: 50k Podfic available here Read by: HelloCheshire, read by (ashata) Length: 5 hours Sirius is helping James and Lily conquer as many of their irrational fears as possible before they have their baby, in order to not pass on their fears. One day, Sirius takes a panic-stricken James to a friendly (and handsome) beekeeper. Slow burn, strangers to friends to lovers.

[srebrnafh]

Well, finished my big redo of Volume 3. It gained 50% in volume from "raw version 1" (moving it to Draft 1 in my mind). Will undergo cutting down when I go through it the second time, but for now, all I know is that it is DONE, as in, ALL WRITEN.

Now, off to MS Word for the judgement of the basic...

...quality. Dammit...! OK, I have an entire evening. Or night. Or something. Welp. Better start checking stuff.

Also, hit 47675 on my nanowrimo counter, so 50k comes tomorrow. Which means I may make it to 75k this year. Less than the 100k I managed the last two times, but still, a respectable outcome. Probably less damaging to the brain :P

[alas-poor-cesario]

25, 41, and 10 for the 50 Qs?

25.) if you could choose only one meal to eat for the remainder of your life, which would you choose?

Pork tenderloin, roast potatoes, chili flake carrots and stuffing

41.) what are you currently trying to accomplish?

I put the TEFL on hold until things settled down a bit due to family things so I'm going back to that in a lil while hopefully!

But other than that I joined Get Your Words Out again this year at 75k words for the year & I'm also working on making my Obsidian vault contain more media I'm consuming!

10.) what’s one book you’d suggest every person should read?

I love Skulduggery Pleasant and if you're into things like Harry Potter and Artemis Fowl it's a good shout.

Non-fiction wise I'm torn between recommending The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson or The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying by Marie Kondo

[mostremote]

Now that tSS is finished (Congratulations again!)

allow me to ask a million few questions..

When you started it did you know it's going to be this long?

Was this the ending you've always intended or you considered others?

Toughest chapter to write?

Most fun chapter to write?

What was the most challenging aspect of writing this?

When you started it did you know it's going to be this long?

Noooooo lmao. I expected 50-75k and I just got very carried away. I’m much chiller abt my eversnow fixation now but in the depths of my mania I was writing 5k words every day.

Was this the ending you've always intended or you considered others?

This is pretty much the ending I always intended. When this fic was in its very, very early days of planning, it was going to portray a much nastier dynamic between the two. I then had something else in mind, ending with Snow plotting her murder and Katniss getting pregnant to save her own life because Snow wanted a child. But that was very, very early on and the characterisation shook out very differently.

By the time I actually started posting the story I knew I wanted it to end with Katniss and Snow, hand in hand, addressing the nation with Katniss as the new President. Earlier in the writing process I expected it to end with Katniss deciding firmly that she would eventually kill Snow, whereas things ended up much softer and more codependent between them. (Ah, romance.)

Toughest chapter to write? Most fun chapter to write?

The answer to both of these is the same, and it’s also my favourite chapter: “Family”. This went through a lot of rewrites, including starting over almost entirely from scratch. There were all sorts of different versions of this, including versions where Haymitch showed up. It was always going to be the “visit to D12” chapter, but the final version is much more intense than the earlier drafts. I eventually decided to try to ratchet up the tension as much as possible and see just how much this dynamic could take, and so we ended up with Snow putting on Katniss’ shoes (and discovering his cute foot fetish that temporarily ruled me), Snow cradling her face and licking her tears, and Katniss’ final tearful confession. Originally they just had tea with her mum, lol. (There is also a deleted scene I really liked where Katniss annoys/flirts with Snow by trying to get Sulla to zip up her dress. But it was too lighthearted in the wake of Gale’s death.)

What was the most challenging aspect of writing this?

For a general answer, there is the weird mental health thing I went through before Christmas where I was writing this compulsively and giving myself anxiety attacks, and obviously I was processing things through this fic that I wasn’t even fully aware of. (I’m better now.)

More specifically, I think walking the line between the eroticism and horror, the romantic and the abusive, was something I often had in mind. I try not to worry too much about readers misinterpreting the work (not that there’s a “wrong” way to interpret literature but, well, interpretations that ignore significant parts of the text), but there are certain subtexts I articulated more explicitly than I otherwise would. Obviously, I think this is an extremely unhealthy, abusive relationship and it’s objectively bad for both of them, but there are definitely readers who took a rosier view of things. But you can’t hold yourself responsible for reader interpretations that ignore the text in favour of fitting the characters into archetypes.

[literaticat]

Studying mentor texts, it’s either short chapters but more of them, or longer chapters but less of them. Some titles vary wildly in both. Obvs publishers can do what they want! an MG publishing pro said to keep chapters short, a max of 1500 words. My manuscript is 75K which means 50 chapters. I’m a debut author, am I doing something wrong? Do agents care at all if they request a full and there are over a certain # of chapters? Do you have a # of chapters that might make you pause?

This feels like a math problem.

I can't imagine possibly caring or noticing how many chapters are in a book. After all - I'm looking at the ms. Most fiction manuscripts don't have a table of contents with the chapters listed, so how would I know until I read it? (I would notice if chapters were a drag to read, but hopefully they aren't!)

DO make the chapters the length they need to be for the story you are telling, DON'T decide that the book must be broken up every 1500 words come hell or high water and *randomly* make chapter breaks just for the sake of fulfilling some arbitrary magic number.

[flowerslut]

plz can roots chapter be long or multiple chapters next update sorry i’m so greedy

also what’s the novella gonna be about

definitely won't be multiple chapters at once since it's a heavy chapter you're getting and I don't want to hit y'all back to back with some rough stuff, but the next chappy is about 4.2k words! (it'll be out soonish okay I know i'm sooo behind on updates but I promise it'll be soon)

the novella is part of the call of the night series i've been working on for the past kajillion years. I'm currently working on a rewrite of call of the night (because it really needs it) but once I get far enough into that I'm going to tackle the novella. it's a two part story that takes place in between the last two installments, walk in the dark and friends with the fire. its a few years after the end of witd and it's just chock full of absolutely silly plot beats, a continuation of the constant worldbuilding, lots of things I can't include in the final story, and a whole lot of character development that gets skipped over in between witd and fwtf. it's a great time all around, the funniest part of the series by far, but don't worry; it definitely doesn't forget what story is being told.

it's the self-indulgent part of the series and i'm excited to finally finish the outline and then crank it out. fingers crossed I can keep it under 75k. (I'm aiming for 50, max, but we all know how terrible I am at keeping things short.)

[hismercytomyjustice]

Omfggg I cannot believe my little BG3 fic is about to hit 70 subscribers!!! (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)

It is wonderful and terrifying all at the same time haha!!! It’s also weirdly humbling knowing almost 70 people trust me and this story enough to want updates as it’s posted???

Thank fuck I’ve written most of it already because otherwise I would be STRESSING TF OUT.

I crossed the 75k word threshold the other day. The 75k maximum I thought I would probably hit seeing as I’ve never written much over like 50k before and that was only once in the fanfic world and 3x in the “this will likely never see the light of day” original work world haha.

PLEASE TELL ME HOW THE FUCK I STILL FOUR FULL CHAPTERS LEFT TO WRITE.

In the event you clicked to see more, just know you’re about to see a lot of rambling of mental health and writing.

I’m winding down chapter 14 now and chapter 18 is at least 50-75% done after I skipped to it in a panic due to the massive writers block I hit in 13 over hardcore stressing over my characterization of Cazador. Just “he is not being horrible enough, he needs to be more horrible, but not too horrible or this fic will need to be even longer and I’m already wildly out of my word count comfort zone” lol.

So that leaves the tail end of 14 and 18, and then I just have to write 15, 16, and 17.

Oh thank fuck. It’s only three I thought it was four full length ones left. Oh god. This simultaneously brings me relief and anxiety lmaooo.

Oh god.

But this fic is going to have such a special place in my heart because writing it has reminded me THAT I LOVE WRITING.

I’ve barely written in the last decade for a variety of reasons and tbh until I started writing this fic, I was starting to wonder if I really even enjoyed writing and wanted to do it anymore.

Not because I didn’t, but because the level of passion I used to have for it seemed to just be…missing? I kept thinking “it’s so weird how writing used to be such a huge part of my life and now I never seem to be able to do it or want to do it”.

I’ve come to realize in the last month or so, the biggest culprit was my previously semi-diagnosed OCD. Second biggest may have been my definitely undiagnosed ADHD.

Any time I’d try to sit down to plot or draft or anything I would get into OCD spirals and either completely talk myself out of it or get into it for a little bit and then hit a roadblock in the story I couldn’t get past or convince myself what I wrote was awful and no one would ever want to read it because I would get bored writing it so why the hell would anyone want to read it? So then I’d convince myself I needed to read up on the craft of writing to make up for my deficiencies. And the more I learned the more I realized I didn’t know or the more deficiencies I saw and the more I’d get into my own head.

I spent some much time kind of wishing I hadn’t read so many books, went to so many convention panels, listened to so many podcasts about writing, etc. Because any time I looked at a blank page, I couldn’t get out of my own head enough to fucking WRITE.

Just an endless stream of: The first line is super important and has to hook the reader, make sure you start in the middle of the story, your protagonist should have xyz, your villain should have abc, every sentence should do more than one thing, if you don’t regularly make time to write you’re not a real writer, all these other people make time to write and their lives are way busier than yours so what’s wrong with you, you must hate writing otherwise you’d actually do it, you’ll never get anything published because you lack discipline, etc etc etc.

I just desperately wanted to go back to the days where I could just flip open a blank notebook and go to town without giving a shit about what anyone else thought a story had to be and without second guessing every single letter I put on the page.

And then such a weird combo of stars aligned that finally made me remember why I fucking love writing and why I do it in the first place???

Consuming media that makes me passionate about storytelling and reawakens my creative drive.

My friend offhandedly mentioning she writes on her phone sometimes and isn’t a phone kind of like a little notebook you can carry around and whip out whenever? Bonus, you don’t have to retype everything after writing by hand!

Getting officially officially diagnosed with OCD. Third therapist’s is a charm amirite? If I had a nickel for every therapist who told me I was exhibiting signs of OCD I’d have three nickels… I didn’t even go to my current therapist for OCD. My former therapist suggested finding a specialist in exposure therapy to help with an unrelated phobia (I will not go into on here and probably never will because it’s deeply personal) and the specialist I found happens to specialize in OCD because exposure therapy is often used to treat it.

And my current therapist taught me what OCD thought spirals are, how they start up, how they take root, how they get out of control. Suddenly it wasn’t just “oh, I have anxiety so I need to use decision techniques to combat it” it was “ohhh this is therapy designed with my brain in mind and my brain isn’t as weird or scary as I thought.” It’s just wild to spend decades of your life thinking your brain is fucked up and you don’t understand what’s wrong with it so how could anyone but then you get a literal fucking worksheet that maps out an example spiral with a note on it that reads “this you?”.

Specifically, she taught me about Inference-based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (ICBT). If anyone reads this and is curious about ICBT. this article does a pretty good job of explaining it.

It was just wild to look at this piece of paper that was like “oh, no, this is a regular/common enough brain thing that we’ve done research on it and made a fun little worksheet for it” that makes it all feel so weirdly mundane and less scary as a result? Like decades of “I’m scared of my own brain” turned into “your brain isn’t scary, there’s a clear pattern to this kind of thing and lots of people go through it”.

And then I decided to take piano lessons. Because I started writing a POTO AU before I started my BG3 fic and I remembered how much I loved music in the same way. How much I enjoy the violin but struggle to get myself to play now that I’m not part of an ensemble. And that was another thing I haven’t found much joy in lately either.

And my OCD went off the fucking RAILS with that. Because of all my insecurities around being someone who always struggled to practice regularly and realizing how much of a refresher I needed on music in general after so much time away. Leaving lessons wanting to cry because of how fucking stupid an inept I felt and being utterly convinced I was wasting my teacher’s time.

BUT. Because of ICBT and my therapist, I could see I was hardcore OCD spiraling. It marginally helped because at least part of me was like “okay, these feelings aren’t the truth and they are irrational” even as I still struggled to find any actual self-compassion over it all. Because why the fuck is wrong with me it’s piano, I am paying for lessons, I do not have to be perfect. My therapist insisted my only obligation was to just show up for the lessons and SHE IS RIGHT. Like, yeah, it’s great to practice and I want to get better at it, but OCD-ing myself to the point I’m fucking miserable and never practice (much like I did with writing) is not the answer.

Piano made me realize my OCD impacts my day-to-day life in a variety. Not just my 10/10 OCD spirals/fears.

Do I still struggle with how fucking ridiculous getting worked up over voluntarily taking piano lessons made me feel? 10000%. Am I actually enjoying and looking forward to my lessons and actually practicing because I want to instead of feeling paralyzed or over analyzing or avoiding or forcing myself to? Also 10000% true!!! It’s fucking wild how much you can enjoy things you like when your OCD SHUTS THE FUCK UP FOR FIVE GODDAMN SECONDS.

Like obvs I still have a lot of work to do on the OCD front, but I’ve made so much fucking progress over the past few months. It feels like night and day sometimes. If you’d told me like 6 months ago I’d have written 75k on one fanfic in addition more on others, I would have laughed on your face and then doom spiraled about it.

God I have missed actually ENJOYING things. My therapist was not exaggerating when she talked about me having a breakthrough last session about overcompensating and how it negatively has impacted myself and my fledgling self-compassion.

It feels so fucking GOOD.

Navigating OCD and ADHD, especially as a late diagnosed person isn’t easy. I’m still learning so much and also puzzling out what does and doesn’t work for me. But for the first time in such a long time, I feel like I’m actually making progress on those fronts and it is such a fucking relief after borderline hating myself for years now.

This got wildly out of hand, but OH WELL. I’m just so fucking happy and relieved to be seeing some progress for myself that I was starting to worry might never fucking happen.