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gasolinerainbowpuddles · 6 months

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On The Verge of a Usual Mistake ║ ⓞⓝⓔ๏ⓞⓕⓕⓢ

On the Verge of a Usual Mistake | main masterlist | PAIRING(s): ex!Lucien x actress!reader x ex!Dieter

| RATING: explicit material | 18+ | WORD COUNT: 2.3k | CONTENT: this is truly just porn with minimal plot (I'm so proud of myself lol), Dieter and Lucien are messy exes, threesome activities, Twister but with genitalia, Daddy and Papi kinks

| SYNOPSIS: You've been avoiding your exes Dieter Bravo and Lucien Flores all night at this event, but you're forced to come to terms with how things ended in both relationships when they seek to right their wrongs.

“My publicist is gonna kill me!” you hiss into the dampened light of the small room Lucien unceremoniously ushered you into.

“Baby, come on. The tabloids loved us together, remember?” he coos.

“The two of you can’t just be pulling this shit! Not when I’m trying to talk to Wayne from A24 about—”

“The fuck’re you two doing in here?” Dieter whispers loudly as he closes and locks the door behind him. “You seriously going back to him after turning me down?”

“Dee, this is not the time,” you snap. “And I’m not doing a fucking thing with this asshole. He practically herded me in here.” You’re grateful neither of them are aware of the pooling slick between your legs you’ve been dutifully ignoring all night with them both chasing you around and begging for a moment alone.

“Well, three makes a party then,” Dieter decides.

“We’re not interested in that sort of partying,” Lucien cuts in.

“Oh, cut the sober lifestyle bullshit. I’m not the one you’re gonna fool with those bogus rehab claims,” Dieter scoffs.

“Well I guess if anybody knows about stints in rehab, it’s you,” Lucien snipes back.

“Okay, I’m leaving,” you huff. You push past Lucien who grabs for you, but it’s ultimately Dieter’s gentle but firm hold that keeps you from exiting. “Dee, let go of me. The two of you can have at each other all you want. Besides, you don’t need me here when neither one of you is gonna listen to me anyway.”

“Don’t be like that,” Lucien pleads. “I’ve been trying to get you to talk to me all night.”

“Yeah, exactly,” you laugh without a hint of amusement. “You want me to listen to you. Never the other way around. It’s the same with both of you. Always has been. Neither of you know how to put anybody else first. Why do you think I ended things? You’re just two peas in a fucking pod.”

“You really feel that way?” Dieter’s hold on you has slackened to a weak grip. Your head whirls back around to look him in the eye. He looks hurt. Dammit. “You think I don’t want to put you first?”

“I never knew that,” Lucien admits quietly. He edges in closer until you’re practically sandwiched between your exes.

“It’s not like I didn’t tell you,” you grumble, aggrieved at their past mistakes and kicking yourself for not just bolting out the door before they mess with your head like they always do.

Some quiet exchange happens between Dieter and Lucien, and you recognize the silent conversation just as it appears to end. Lucien’s hand creeps along your lower back while Dieter’s hands crawl back up your sides and arms.

“You’re right, baby. I never did things how I should’ve when it came to you. I blew it. Messed up the best thing I ever had. S’why I’ve been on your heels all night just trying to get a word with you,” Lucien says softly into your hair. You shiver at his warm breath fanning across your skin.

“I miss you so much,” Dieter confesses in a hush. “Let me show you how much I miss you. Please.”

“Let us both show you,” Lucien adds. “Let us show you we can listen. Let us show you we can put you first.”

You’re going to give yourself a stern talking to in the mirror tomorrow morning, but right now all the reasons why this is a terrible idea are like wisps of smoke catching to the wind. When Dieter nuzzles against the crook of your neck and Lucien is already down on the ground and underneath your dress, your resolve shatters into a million pieces. “Okay. Yeah, I–oh fuck, Lucien–”

The fat wet line of his tongue between your folds jolts you forward into Dieter who busies himself with lifting and tucking your dress aside so he doesn’t miss the show. He’s already got the top of your dress shoved down so he can suckle on your tightening nipples. “Dee,” you gasp.

“I got you,” he groans, nipping and teasing your nubs. “God you look so good. Missed this so fucking much. Missed these tits so fucking much.” He gropes them in appreciation, and his eyes go wide in that wondrous sort of way that they always seemed to whenever the two of you fucked. Every time was like he’d never seen a woman before, not with the way he’d shower you with compliments and superlatives.

Your legs are already shaky with Lucien working between them, and you don’t even bother feeling ashamed at the orgasm that’s already building. It’s been a long time since you’d been with an attentive partner, and nothing quite compared to the likes of Dieter or Lucien. They’d ruined other sexual partners for you forever, but you wouldn’t be caught dead telling them as much. Their egos were inflated enough as it was. Besides, they’d just hear that and not the other side of the coin which was how they were stingy, selfish companions when it came to the emotional aspect of a relationship.

“You want to be Mommy tonight? Or do you want me to be Daddy?” Dieter asks a little breathlessly.

Throwing all dignity out the window, you reply, “I want Daddy tonight.”

He almost sounds pained as his eyes clamp shut at your answer. “Fuck yeah, I can do that. I can be Daddy. You need your Daddy?”

You nod so loose and frantic it feels like your head isn’t attached to your neck. Lucien never stops but inches forward until he’s looking up at you from between the cradle of your thighs. “Tell Papi what you want,” he husks.

“I-I want you to make me come, Papi,” you whine with a roll of your hips.

He suctions onto your clit, and you’re gone. Dieter seems absolutely giddy to watch another man make you come, but something about it is comforting and endearing. You hate how familiar and heady this all feels, knowing full well that come tomorrow morning it’ll be another fading memory to lump in with all the others. You push away the painful acknowledgement before it ruins your orgasm entirely.

Dieter’s fingers slip inside you with no resistance, and you both moan in unison at the way you part for him. Lucien’s wet mouth and chin leave a sloppy trail across your neck where he lays even sloppier kisses. “Can I take this off?” he asks. You nod, and he unzips and unfastens your dress before tossing it onto a nearby table. “I fuckin knew you wouldn’t be wearing panties,” he says low and needy into your ear.

The rhythmic plunge of Dieter’s fingers has you hurtling towards another climax. “Been a while since somebody gave you what you needed, baby?”

You bite your lip and dip your head. You hate how easily they could both read you. It made you feel laid bare, and not in the fun sort of way.

“Let Papi and Daddy make you feel good, okay? Don’t think about anything except letting us make you feel good,” Lucien whispers against your temple from behind. You feel the hard curve of his clothed cock pressing against your ass. You push back against it and stifle a grin when he moans. The grin slips away the moment Lucien’s fingers slide down your body to rub your clit in time with Dieter’s fingering. You aren’t sure whose hand comes to cover your mouth while you come, but you’re glad somebody has enough sense right now to think about other partygoers overhearing.

“You were always so pretty when you fell apart,” Dieter reminisces with a goofy, tender smile. He slips his fingers from you and licks them clean. “Better than I remembered.”

The sound of Lucien’s belt and zipper draw your attention backward. “You gonna let me fuck you wide open, baby? Think you can take all of me? It’s been a long time.”

“I can take it,” you breathe, arching your back for him to enter you from behind.

“Good girl for Papi,” he praises. He jerks himself a few times with a slip of spit and lines his cock up to your entrance. “Always such a good girl for your Papi, aren’t you?”

“Y-Yes, Papi. I’ll be good,” you choke out.

He inches inside you with an agonizing, languid pace. Your breath catches when he finally bottoms out. He’s so much bigger than you remember, but you still want more. Dieter captures your mouth in a heated kiss just as Lucien starts thrusting, and your high pitched cries of pleasure are caught between his lips. “Daddy,” you whine as you latch onto his shoulders for support. Lucien’s pace picks up quickly, and for a few minutes the small room is only filled with panting and the squelching sounds of him splitting you open.

“You’re taking his cock so good, baby,” Dieter says against your teeth. “You like taking raw cock, don’t you? You always begged Daddy to fuck you raw.”

“Fuck! Yes, I like it when Papi and Daddy fuck me raw,” you cry. “I want Daddy to fuck me raw, too.”

“Yeah?” he goads with a smile. “You want Daddy’s cock after Papi fills you up?”

Lucien grunts and whimpers as he struggles to keep his pace with all the back and forth filth.

“N-No, Daddy. Want you and Papi to fuck me raw together,” you beg. “Please, Daddy. Please Papi?”

Dieter rushes to free his cock and wet it with spit as Lucien starts chanting yes yes yes. He stills for Dieter to push against his own length and fight for the tight space of your cunt. They work together to hoist you higher until Dieter is notched at your entrance and finally pushing inside. The stretch burns and makes you feel present in your own body in such an overwhelming way for the first time in a long time. The first few thrusts are experimental and slow, but it doesn’t matter. You’re already crying and coming and losing yourself in the intoxicating sting of both their cocks wedged inside the fist of your cunt.

“Christ,” Dieter hisses. “Fuck, this is gonna make me come too fast.”

“Tell us what you want,” Lucien urges, sounding close to the edge himself.

Your pussy throbs and clenches around them both as you try to make your brain and mouth cooperate. “I want you to come in me, Papi,” you whine. “Want you and Daddy to fuck me and make me come again. Make me come and then fuck me ‘til you come inside me.”

“Anything for my girl – Papi’s good girl,” he assents.

“Daddy’ll give you whatever you want, baby,” Dieter adds in a hoarse sounding wheeze. “Gonna milk my cock in this tight little pussy. Gonna give you whatever you want.”

Despite never really caring much for one another, Dieter and Lucien seem to sync up with the common goal of giving you another mind numbing orgasm. The feel of their thick cocks crowding your insides, sliding against each other so that each push and pull is a constant punch of a cockhead against your cervix. “Fuck I’m gonna come again,” you blurt out as your climax surges and swells without warning.

You’re sandwiched between two sweaty and breathy men who now seek their own release. Dieter comes first with a pitiful little stuttering whine. His mouth rounds out in a messy kiss as he pulses inside you. Lucien is just behind him with a gravelly moan as he fucks you nonstop. There’s so much of them spilling inside you and being pushed out, and the warmth of it makes you feel sated and soothed.

You’re a boneless bag of flesh when they both catch their breath and ease you off the spear of their cocks. You sigh at the feeling of them drooling out of your pussy. With their concentrated, streamlined focus, your dress is put back on and properly closed back up. Lucien turns you to face him for the first time since you tried to leave earlier. “Can I kiss you?”

You want to laugh at his request given the fact that he’s currently leaking out of you alongside the efforts of your other ex, but you know why he’s asking. He knows certain types of intimacy are something that mean more to you and have to be earned back in trust. “Yeah, Lucien. You can kiss me.”

His body nudges yours against Dieter’s, hands coming up to cradle your face as he tenderly presses his lips to yours. It’s slow and soft and damn near perfect, especially considering Dieter is dotting the curve of your neck with his own kisses. You aren’t sure how long you and Lucien are lost in each other, but it’s blowing your mind to see Dieter be patient for once. Maybe they both really meant it when they said they wanted to do better by you.

You pull back with red, puffy lips and heavy eyes. Lucien looks down at you with a soft smile. “I miss you.”

Your eyes flutter shut at the unspoken words laced within: I love you.

“I miss you every day,” Dieter agrees quietly.

“Look, I–I miss you both, too, but I can’t promise anything,” you warn them. “You both really hurt me before. But, tonight was… nice. It felt nice.” You wonder why it never occurred to you to do this before. The two best lovers you ever had, at the same time. It was a no brainer, really. Probably all that pesky broken heart stuff clouding your mind that kept you from realizing what a good time it could be.

“You don’t have to make promises anymore. That’s not your job anymore.”

“No, baby. We’re the one who need to make promises so we can show you that we can keep them,” Dieter adds.

It might be the dumbest mistake of your life, but you can’t fight it anymore. You can’t fight how good it feels to be with them both. Despite all the pain and heartache they’ve caused you over the years, they both always felt like home in a way. “I think I might be willing to let you try.”

Okay the Lucien Flores brainrot got to me. As far as exes go in the celebrity world, you could do a lot worse than Lucien and Dieter. Also, reader clearly has a type haha.

#lucien flores x reader #dieter bravo x reader #lucien flores x you #dieter bravo x you #lucien flores smut #dieter bravo smut #pedro pascal characters #the bubble #the uninvited

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ponett · 8 months

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really really enjoyed your article on hazbin hotel. have been hearing about it for years, but did my active best to learn literally nothing substantial–until your article. even all the incredible bigotry aside, it's shocking to me just how...messy the show seems to be? i've never, EVER heard of a show where you're expected to have fandom and pilot knowledge ahead of time. that's nuts. cannot fathom how it all got approved with such a massive budget & cast given how Clearly Haphazardly put together it is. anyway. great article, spread it to a few friends, your writing was really engaging and drew me in 👍

I ended up not talking about this in the piece because it was already more than long enough, but I do wonder if the messy writing could partially be a result of A24 being a bad match for the project. Because, you know. A24 is not an animation distributor. This was the first animation project they funded.

Obviously I wasn't a fly on the wall at Spindlehorse and this is pure speculation, but based on the show itself it does feel like A24 looked at the millions and millions of views the pilot had on YouTube and went "Well, you guys clearly know what you're doing! We'll stay out of your way." When in reality, like I said in the review, what I think the show really needed was just an experienced cartoon showrunner on hand who could gently nudge things in the right direction and help them nail down basic TV writing stuff. Not calling the shots, but just looking over Vivzie's shoulder with feedback like "Does this episode have a satisfying three-act structure?" or "Could you explain this worldbuilding detail a little more clearly?" or "This episode doesn't have a clear enough focus on its central emotional arc." I have to wonder if a studio with an actual history making cartoons could have more easily hooked Hazbin up with someone like that.

(Some of the work on Hazbin was also done by Bento Box Entertainment, who've worked on a bunch of adult cartoons like Bob's Burgers, but I'm not sure how much creative input they actually had.)

Without that outsider perspective, I can see how it's extremely easy to get lost in the weeds and just write for the audience that's already there. Of course dedicating an entire three-minute musical number to Vox in the second episode seems like a good idea when you're surrounded by excited fans who've spent the last five years asking what's up with the TV head guy teased in the pilot. Of course you take for granted how much people already know about the characters and world when you've been talking about them online for years, and also producing a bunch of supplemental material like a whole spinoff show. It takes a lot of effort to not fall into that mindset and put yourself in the shoes of someone who's going in blind.

Again, this is all speculation. But these are easy traps for independent creators, especially ones coming from the world of webcomics, to fall into.

#astralcities #ask

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peachi-blossom · 2 months

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do you only hate HH and HB because you're christian?

Ohh boy, this is going to be a long post.

Let's start with Helluva Boss first. I don't watch it because it's more vulgar. Not that I can't handle swearing, but still more vulgar. I'm more concerned about what I seen from other people who criticize Helluva Boss.

I did listen to some songs just to understand the context while looking at the lyrics as listed. Oh Millie, Vacay to Bonetown, Striker's Song, House of Asmodeus, Cotton Candy, Crashin' a Mutha***in' Wedding, Klown B*tch, 2 Minutes Notice, Just Look My Way (music video version), When I See Him, and Over You. What's interesting about 2 Minutes Notice is that it's supposed to be a one giant middle finger to bad bosses. You know who is the bad boss like Mammon in real life? Vivienne Medrano. She is the bad boss in real life. She burns out her employees because she releases each episode a month or two or three, doesn't pay them a lot of money they needed, doesn't credit the animators, and plays favorites on her employees. Oh and by the way, Spindlehorse outsourced animations from overseas studios.

As for Hazbin Hotel, I hate the show not just because I am a Christian, but because of the controversies of Vivienne Medrano. I see other Christians make videos about the show during its premiere by just showing the 2 minute clip. I was like "That's not enough to convince other people to not watch it, you need to watch the show to if it is satanic." So I watched the pilot, read the prequel comics, watched the ADDICT music video, and finally the show itself.

The one comment that my caught my eye is from ec2003.

I replied to him back because the "Heaven being a lie" irked me so much.

Then I made this post why the "Heaven being a lie" part in episode 6 irks me so much

Then I replied with the same message.

If Heaven is actually a huge lie this whole time, then there will absolutely be NO SALVATION for everyone Christian and non-Christians and they will only be going to Hell after death.

What's worse is that there are KIDS watching HH.

Now for the fandom, I don't hate the fans of the show who are sane. I just loathe the behavior of the stans in this fandom and Vivienne Medrano...

The fandom drove Shay to suicide and one fan drew on TikTok who drew CSEM (child sexual exploitation material) of SOMEONE'S REAL LIFE YOUNGER BROTHER BACK IN 2022.

This fandom is the absolute worst fandom that I ever seen in existence.

#hazbin hotel critical #hazbin hotel criticism #hazbin hotel critique #anti hazbin hotel #helluva boss critical #anti helluva boss #vivziepop critical #vivziepop criticism #vivziepop critique #anti vivziepop

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chaifootsteps · 5 months

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have you seen this?

https://www.tumblr.com/radiostatik/750045870512357376/major-loser-on-twitter-call-the-og-alasor-singer?source=share

feels like a real double standard that Viv can be as petty & aggressive as she wants on Xitter, forget to credit some of her artists, refuse to credit artists who provided her several major ideas for the pilot of Hazbin, block people for politely asking where playbills they paid for are, make a major public scene about Lackadaisy turning down her money because they don't want her name in the credits in the hopes her fans will throw mud at them (which they do) despite them trying to handle it with civility, have leaked discord DMs suggesting she totally pulled the rug out from the pilot cast with regards replacing them and that she tried to avoid sending them the audition material for as long as possible to stop them reauditioning

and her stans will bend over backwards to say none of that is in the least bit unprofessional. They also still love to throw A24 under the bus to say they had a hand in the casting process, when like - why would they? if you have a cast of VAs everyone already loves I'm sure they and Amazon wouldn't have minded keeping at least some of them to save some money, especially if they had any smart marketing reps who noticed how much of a bond the online fandom had already formed with them. Getting big Broadway VAs can attract an audience but stunt casting alone isn't enough and we've had the better part of a decade of bad animated movies proving that much; it's well known it was always Viv's idea to replace everyone

and Gabriel makes one tweet pointing out the obvious fact that the old cast might still be working on the show if it stayed indie (and after he phrased all the FAQs in that comment under 'thank you and goodnight' as diplomatically and nicely as possible towards Viv, & it still made her look bad not because of Gabriel, but because what Viv did to them was bad)

and he gets called unprofessional? make it make sense

It's disgusting. Gabe's been nothing but professional every single solitary minute since he was cut along with everyone else, even when he arguably should have been a little less so.

I'm glad people are realizing just how miserably Viv treated her pilot cast, and glad people are defending him.

#Anonymous #vivziepop critical #vivziepop fandom #viv stuff #actual blog post

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petitprincess1 · 8 months

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What critiques do you have of Hazbin? I'm wondering because I keep seeing a lot of criticism and hate towards it and I don't Wana get into something that's possible waste of time. Srry if thats rude

Dude, you're perfectly fine. I'm gonna keep it to like five points bc some things that I have problems with are mainly nitpicks. None of this, imo, is a dealbreaker for me. However, if it is for you, fair.

This is one that everyone has talked about and I fully agree with. The pacing is whiplash-inducing. I still do believe it's better than HB S1, but there is just so much information being thrown around that it's mind-boggling. The songs definitely help to slow things down a bit and introduce more info in an engaging, catchy way. However, I feel like there were some eps that either needed to come sooner or later in the series. I get they were fighting the clock, but still.

Lucifer and Charlie's relationship needed better explaining. Without going into spoilers, from what it felt like in the Pilot, it seemed like they were building up to something a bit more confrontational. I always figured Charlie possibly embellished Lucifer's words, but now it makes it feel like Charlie was talking to a completely different man. Someone that isn't even her father. Lu acts so much like Charlie, or vice versa, that it seems almost impossible to misinterpret his words.

NO FILLERS! The closest episode to a filler is the 3 ep, but even that brings up information and moves the plot along with key points. Now, that's not a bad thing entirely. It keeps you engaged. But this show very much lacks any breathing room. There's so much being thrown your way. Either things get overly talked about or not talked about enough. Which brings me to my next point-

The world-building is both fulfilling and empty. You do get a good sense of Heaven and Hell in this universe, especially Hell. You get an idea of the hierarchy and even some hypocrisy. However, we also don't really know how Heaven nor Hell operates. Like Lucifer appeared to be a shut-in. Yes, Lilith was the one inspiring demonkind, but what about when she disappeared? Is that why everything is garbage now? How much does Lucifer influence Hell? Where are the archangels? Was this conflict not important? Is there a "God" even in this show? What is Heaven's hierarchal system? There's so much being said, while also nothing being explained.

This one is the lowest for me bc I'm a bit torn on it. I've seen a few people complain about how the main characters are introduced as if you're supposed to know them. I didn't get this feeling, but I'm also a fan of Hazbin. I try to go in with a fairly "empty mind" so that I can view the material without rose-tinted glasses. However, it felt like some of the characters were given decent introductions at times. Idk. I'd like to know other's opinions on that.

Another one that I want to add is probably more diversity in the body sizes in the show. I'm not too worried about it bc Helluva Boss does a great job with body diversity, but Hazbin seems to be fairly stick and slender. But, again, I'm not too worried about it.

All in all, those are my biggest issues with the show. Like I said, none of these are dealbreakers, especially since we'll be getting a S2. Vivzie seems to listen to criticism, judging by the differences with HB S1 vs S2. So, I'm really hoping that we finally get to relax and actually get to know the characters more. Like, Adam shows the 7 Deadly Sins, while Charlie shows the 7 Virtues. I hope Adam isn't permanently dead bc I feel like this would be a good wake-up for him. He'll become the being that they were exterminating. But only time will tell.

Majority of this can be blamed on Prime and A24 for only giving them 8 episodes. I feel like either a longer run-time or more eps would've helped the show. Hopefully, they'll have learned from their mistakes in the next season.

#hazbin hotel #long post #hazbin hotel analysis #media criticism #vivziepop #ask answered #ok 2 rb

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drewstarkeyupd · 12 days

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Queer Makes Drew Starkey a Movie Star. Its Impact on Him Was Even More Profound

The Outer Banks star redefines himself as Daniel Craig’s enigmatic lover. Over lunch with Vanity Fair, he calls the role “a wake-up call for me.”

By David Canfield

September 13, 2024

media.vanityfair.com

Photo by Greg Williams

“This is my breakfast,” Drew Starkey proclaims as a plate of medium-rare steak and potatoes gets placed in front of him, a near-empty cup of black coffee to its side. He woke up at noon, coming off of a late-night screening of his new movie Queer, for his final day in Toronto. It’s the last meal the 30-year-old star will have before he flies home, taking a pause from the glamorous fall-festival circuit. He’s just walked the same Venice red carpet as Angelina Jolie and Nicole Kidman; he’s newly swept up into the A24 family. Things are moving fast. As he searches for a fork, it’s natural to wonder how he’s taking it all in.

The answer to that is hardly simple, in part because Starkey’s been on a journey of introspection since he was cast in Queer well over a year ago. An adaptation of William S. Burroughs’s semi-autobiographical 1985 novel, the film directed by Luca Guadagnino takes an elliptical approach to the story of a slippery romance between two men in mid-century Mexico City. Lee (Daniel Craig) becomes infatuated with a beautiful, enigmatic younger man named Allerton (Starkey), whose sexual proclivities prove maddeningly difficult to read. They become intimate—as captured by Guadagnino in explicit, passionate detail—and eventually travel both around South America and into the depths of their own subconscious (via a trippy ayahuasca sequence). One piece of dialogue, spoken at different points by both of them, haunts their courtship: “I’m not queer, I’m disembodied.”

Starkey references the line at one point over our meal. A feeling of disembodiment rushed up in him about as soon as he finished production on Queer, one of many reasons he’s still processing the film’s impact on him. Its professional impact may be clearer: The star of Netflix’s Outer Banks and teen films like Love, Simon reintroduces himself here with a rich, complex, and brave performance that ought to open new doors. But as we chat, he sounds more interested in the personal doors Allerton may have introduced him to.

At the film’s Toronto premiere the night before our interview, Starkey revealed on stage that Guadagnino first described Allerton to him as a “nasty bitch.” Naturally, we began there.

Vanity Fair: Let’s start with “nasty bitch.” How do you react when you get that description for your character?

Drew Starkey: Luca was being cheeky, but in earlier conversations we had, he talked about Allerton as cold and slippery and very hard to read—and Lee is always trying to put his finger on the pulse or define him in some way. He’s always just out of grasp or just out of reach. There’s a quote that Burroughs had in the original Queer from 1985, one of the last paragraphs. In the sentence, it says something to the effect of, “What happened to that knife called Allerton?” That image was always really an anchor for me. So, a nasty bitch. [Laughs]

You’ve talked about how you are still figuring him out.

I’m going to give you a Burroughs quote. For the last few days, I’ve had his quotes in mind.

Just for the last few days?

[Laughs] Well, the past year-and-a-half. But he was talking about writing Junkie versus writing Queer. He said that he felt like he was the one writing Junkie but he felt as if Queer was writing him. That kind of mirrored my experience in the filming of it. I felt like I did all my work, and I had to let Allerton lead me—which is so different from the way that I’ve worked in the past. It was a lot of meditating and letting things happen. But it was tough. It was really tough.

What does surrendering to the material feel like?

It feels like you’re holding onto a plane crash. You’re like, “I hope I survive this.” There’s an energy to it. [Costume designer] Jonathan Anderson is a friend of Elton John’s, who was an incredible help in terms of the wardrobe and what he wears. So much of it was the image of Allerton, what Lee is drawn into and sucked into. That was really a lot of the focus: What’s the silhouette going to be here?

I was going to ask you about the physicality. You move in a very specific, alluring way.

Well, I lost a lot of weight for it. There’s only a few photos of Lewis Marker, who Allerton was based on, but he was very thin. The bodies of that time were not very muscular.

There was just a great essay in TheNew York Times that touched on that, specifically related to the show Fellow Travelers.

Yeah, I wanted to avoid that. I see it a lot, in a kind of mid-century period setting—because that’s such a modern look. This was about a four-month process of losing about 30 pounds. At first, I stopped eating. Not a great idea. Then I worked with a nutritionist. I got a little bit too skinny at one point and then he was like, “Wait, wait, wait.” But that really did change the way I felt and moved. It felt very natural. And then [Daniel and I] were in, essentially, a dance class with each other. My body felt a lot more fluid and I think that kind of informed my gait. It felt like a lot of outside-in work, which was fun.

You clearly sensed this was a major opportunity. What scared you the most?

Living up to material. I felt a lot of pressure, maybe too much. I was quite nervous, and usually I feel okay. And this was like my heart was racing on the first day. One, Luca and the words of Burroughs, and then Justin Kuritzkes did such an amazing job with [the script]. But then working with Daniel and Lesley [Manville] and Jason [Schwartzman], it was an amazing cast. I felt like I was being found out. I never really had that before.

And given the weight loss, you had a lot of time to think about it before even stepping on that set. Could you think about anything else?

No. I was just engrossed with everything. All my responsibilities went out the window. I mean, every day I woke up and thought about it. It really felt like who I was for a year and a half. I’m not one that can really detach from a role and work in that way. It has to be: Blinders on. I can’t separate.

Everyone’s last day of shooting was the final scene you see in the movie. It was Daniel and me, and it was very emotional on the last day. I never really cry. And I’m crying! Just because it was so—it was so much. It was such a release.

Did you feel generally nervous to do sex scenes as you would be asked to do in this movie?

Not more than any other film, any other sex scene. But there was so much conversation around it, too. Luca made it a point during the first two weeks in Rome, when we had table readings and rehearsals, to separate those and talk about those as their own thing. Get comfortable with it. Daniel and I had been familiar with each other enough that by the time we got there, it felt like any other day.

Really?

It, strangely enough, did. There was such a comfort in our bodies. We were really, for months, essentially in a kind of choreographed jujitsu. There was no trepidation. There was no shying away from the nude scenes at all. Dan and I just wanted it to exude a type of truth and normalcy, how two people would be intimate with one another. You don’t want to put anything on top of it. Yeah, so strangely enough, no, it didn’t. It really didn’t.

To your point about the choreography though, there are specific sex scenes that indicate where the characters are in relation to each other, in terms of power and connection. How did you balance the jujitsu you’re talking about with that sense of intimacy?

We would talk with Luca about how he had a picture for it, his ideals for a given scene. We would just walk through it, but then left some freedom to let things happen. That’s the way Luca works in general. He’ll have a specific idea like, “Here’s my idea for what I think it should be, how I think it should be played out.” And then it’s a very intimate, small, closed set. Only the camera operator, Bianca [Butti] was with us. Months prior, of course, that was something that I was weighing like, “Oh, my God”—I was pretty nervous about it. When you read the script and you see the scene, you go like, “Oh, man.” But Luca was very, very particular about, “I will do nothing that you are uncomfortable with.” We had an open dialogue about all that. And Daniel is also such a giving person. He’s a great partner. Once we got into working, all of that was fine.

The final chapter of the film centers on Lee and Allerton doing ayahuasca. Have you done ayahuasca before?

No, but I’m interested. I feel like I’ll know when it’s time to; I don’t think right now is the right time. It hasn’t called to me. But we had some crew who had done ayahuasca and it was a great reference. It was like: “Okay, how did it feel in your body? How did it feel to walk? How nauseous were you?” That part was really fun. Yeah, I’ve never done ayahuasca—yet. But it seems, I don’t know. I certainly have some things that I need to address.

What can you share about that?

This year, I definitely got happier with myself. The past five years or so it’s been fast-paced and always going. Funnily enough, the strike happened and I felt incredibly disembodied. I had nothing to latch on to. I actually thought about Burroughs in that time, and his relationship with what he calls the ugly spirit. It’s this version of yourself that only wants to destroy, and how to make destruction your friend. I really did a lot of soul-searching, because we finished right before the strike happened. It was like boom-boom—I had this very intense, beautiful, creative kind of experience, and then nothing. I was a little mad.

Did you feel like work was important to keeping those feelings at bay?

Yeah, and maybe it’s not really that active. It’s just, I care so much about this and I want to do this, and that’s a byproduct. You lose a sense of yourself. That’s definitely my relationship with acting. I don’t feel like a confident person. I love life and I love tackling life, but in some way, I’m substituting the job for therapy. I never have admitted that I was doing that. And then this past year, I was like, “Oh, that is what I’m doing.” Now I need to actually ask questions about myself and consider myself, and talk and communicate. I didn’t do that a lot about what I was going through. I love to work and I love to distract myself.

It’s interesting to be going through that while you’re playing a character who is so non-verbal.

Mm-hmm. I’ve thought about this a lot. Even though Allerton felt like the hardest person to be, he also felt like the closest person to me in a way. In a lot of ways I really, really understood him and it felt like me—the way he moves through the world, the way he interacts with people. It was like, “Oh, right, that’s how I would be.” Maybe he was a wake-up call for me.

You already alluded to it, but I was going to ask you: What does, “I’m not queer. I’m disembodied” mean to you? Clearly, you’re someone who thinks a lot about Burroughs these days, and it is the core line of the film.

Oh, I’ve thought a lot about Burroughs. I think it’s the inability to define yourself. He doesn’t use language to express anything, to show his admiration or how he feels. Luca always said in the beginning of this, “It’s not a story about unrequited love. It’s a story about unsynchronized love.” Having that type of love can make you feel more detached from yourself. These are two people who do have this love for each other, and it’s beautiful—you see fleeting moments of it, and you see Lee attach himself to those moments. But they’re operating on two different planes of time in some way. That can make you feel more disconnected, experiencing that and confronting that with your counterpart, than even being alone can. [Pause] Yeah, I think I answered?

Very much so. It’s a movie that prods some deeper introspection, so I appreciate the answers.

Yeah, I know it’s a movie that if I saw it at 14 or 15, it would open doors for me, like: “Oh, my God.” My parents weren’t prudish in any way, but there was definitely some censorship. It was my grandma who was watching us, I was maybe 10, when she was like, “What rated-R movie do you want to watch? Pick one. Go pick one.” Me and my brother were like, “Okay!” I think we watched The Patriot or something. [Laughs] But yeah, I’ve had to go off and find those things on my own.

This interview has been edited and condensed. This story has been updated.

#drew starkey #queer film #queer #tiff 2024 #luca guadagnino #justin kuritzkes #omar apollo #daniel craig

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