#AND MY GOD AM I FUCKING HURT

[softavasilva]

You know what… Beatrice has got me feeling some type of way. You know the scene where Bea finds Father Vincent after Michael takes him out and Father Vincent says “looks like Ava has a new protector”. You know that had to have been just an absolute knife to Bea’s heart. Because she has been Ava’s protector from the beginning, all the way back in Cat’s Cradle when she hugged Ava when Mother Superion accused her of killing herself all the way through Switzerland where she was entrusted by the entire order to protect the warrior nun, train her and make her stronger. But the sting of losing Ava, not protecting Ava has to be so much stronger in this moment because not only did she fail to keep the halo safe (her job) but more particularly she failed to keep Ava safe (her pleasure). And instead Michael of all people was the one to rescue Ava. That must just absolutely eat at Beatrice every single day

"because not only did she fail to keep the halo safe (her job) but more particularly she failed to keep Ava safe (her pleasure)" ... first of all how dare you. second of all how the fuck dare you that one sentence father vincent so rudely blurted out really just stabbed her heart twisted it around and put more salt in her wounds. it proved all her insecurities about her duty/job and the value she holds in this particular obligation of protecting the very thing she gave her vows/life to. Like she probably is reliving all the times her parents have been disappointed in the way she uses her existence without a "purpose". and now that shes joined the ocs and has a set objective - failing at this is her biggest fucking fear and regret. more so because she knows failing the halo bearer isnt the worst part of it all. its failing ava silva - the girl she first handedly saw live a life only beatrice would dream of for herself. selflessly helping the girl experience wonders for the first time unwillingly knowing ava was also giving beatrice that exact same thing. Falling in love with ava made her guarded "duty first" mindset tainted with emotions that was sinful to have - so she did everything she could to protect the warrior nun because she thinks thats the only version of ava she could have. bc no one will question and judge her for constantly having to protect her. thats just her job right? - so having a man be accused of doing this exact thing just brings back all her self sabotage ways of thinking about how a relationship between her and ava would never work bc yes she has a new protector now and its a man and it would be so easy for them to develop something from more than a "leader"(warrior) and a "follower"(sister warrior) dynamic.

[bixels]

Just gonna have to wait and see, right? Just wait and see! Just gotta wait and see! Who knows, we'll just have to wait and see! It's anybody's guess, we'll just have to wait and see! The future is exciting, we just gotta wait and see!

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

SO. TO KICK OFF THE WEEK OF SPECULATION BEFORE THE UPDATE DROPS.

last night i had a bit of a Revelation. literally. i borderline woke up in a cold sweat with this realization. the way i lunged for my laptop to scream at friends... ough. lets get into it

so. i do believe I've made a couple of theory posts about Barnaby not being quite as receptive to his and Wally's "forced" best friendship as Wally - since the show wrote them to be friends instead of it happening naturally. i thought it might be a point of tension for Barn. i thought a lot.

YES SO I'M TOSSING (almost) ALL OF THAT OUT THE WINDOW!

the bios state Barnaby as Wally's best friend multiple times over. it had to be regularly reinforced. their colors were chosen to mark them as friends.

but Barnaby - presumably - can't see the bios, he wouldn't know the scripts. the friendship would be natural from his perspective. how would he know otherwise? even if the relationship started out synthetic, i don't doubt that it became genuine. in the context of their world and perceptions, realistically speaking Barnaby probably wouldn't sense anything wrong.

the reminders to be best friends weren't for Barnaby.

they were for Wally.

i'm starting to suspect that Wally is Barnaby's best friend, but Barnaby isn't Wally's. i think that Wally's "best friend" is Home - or at least Wally has a closer connection to them / Home is more important to Wally than anyone else is.

i remember reading this livestream trivia (from theneighborhoodwatch's doc, if you haven't their resources yet what are you even doing?):

and i assumed it was for Barnaby's side of the relationship. but it's not, is it? it's Wally's? and it makes too much fucking Sense! it fits! i can see it perfectly! i can feel things slotting together in my mind due to this shift in perspective, and i'm scared

Barnaby probably thinks the relationship is natural, just like how he thinks he's a real person in a real world. Wally probably knows that the relationship is a role, just like how he knows he's a puppet in a false reality.

that leaves me wondering how much of it is genuine on Wally's side. i don't doubt that they really are friends, but how deep does that connection go? in the interview, Wally sounded excited/proud about having a best friend, but how much came from a place of feeling, and how much came from a place of Fulfilling The Role? how much of it is performative? how much of it is a mask?

i've been seeing everything differently. Barnaby poses for Wally the most because he has good balance and is good at staying still, not because of favoritism or because he's Wally's best friend. in the 14 (15 including the hidden halloween) audios, Barnaby consistently seeks out Wally and checks in on him. Wally seems more casual about their relationship than Barnaby is.

i'm worried that Wally values Home & You/Us over Barnaby. that Barnaby is second or third place in Wally's heart. that Wally means more to Barnaby than he means to Wally. after all, only one of them needed their relationship to be reinforced on a seemingly regular basis.

i'm confident that Wally cares about / loves Barnaby, but the question is how much? to what extent?

[lov3bunny]

big scary dykes near me who don’t stop when i cry and tell them it hurts and beg them to pull out. hairy dykes near me who laugh and force themselves in me and only get harder when i ask them to stop. mean lesbians near me who make me tell them to stop and tell them they’re hurting me so they can breed my womb while i cry and try to push them off!!!

[mother-of-houseplants-2]

fiona gallagher // the angry man in the house

[starry-bi-sky]

more cfau miscellaneous things because Childhood Friends Danny and Jason have my head and heart always and I need to finish rewriting chapter two dammit (and redo the half-finished chapter 4 because its just Not The Vibes). i'm almost through I need to get through the graveyard scene. (i just stubbornly refuse to have it be shorter than the original chapter and thats the little death. that is the mind killer.)

Danny and jason’s ghost forms both smell faintly like burnt flesh and cigarettes. However, Jason has a more smokey smell while Danny’s smells almost,,, electrical? In a sense? Like he just straight up smells like burnt flesh and sulphur while Jason smells like someone put him in a smoker first.

It’s very much an unpleasant smell but Danny finds an odd comfort in it just as much as he finds a comfort in the smell of nicotine.

(Jason post-revival smells burnt flesh once and is immediately offput by the fact that it brings him an instinctive comfort. He doesn’t realize its because it reminds him of Danny, and is uncomfortable by it.)

-

In an au of an au, Danny’s altercation with Rath ends with Rath regaining enough of his sanity to snap out of the grieving state and ends with him breaking down. Instead of being souped and imprisoned, Rath, who is permanently 14, decides to Move On into the unknown. He’s exhausted, heartbroken, and tired.

(Is this influenced heavily by the ParaNorman scene where he talks to Agatha and helps her move on? Yes. But it doesn’t fit with the Original Storyline so im shoving it into an Au of an Au.)

Rath tells Danny that Jason lied to them (which he genuinely believes), and that he’s tired of waiting/looking for him/grieving. Jason is gone. He isn’t coming back, he abandoned them. And he wants his mom and dad, and his sister, and his friends. And he’s ready to join them.

He leads Danny out to Gotham, which other than Amity Park might’ve been the only city left untouched due to Rath’s own mental block on the place. They go out to the park he and Jason used to frequent or up to one of crime alley’s rooftops, and there Rath lies down and goes to sleep. Only to never wake up again, materializing into nothing as his soul moves on.

Before Rath leaves, he forces Danny to promise him that he’ll only wait for Jason for ten years. After that if he doesn’t find him, or if Jason doesn’t show, then Danny has to move on. Whether that be like how Rath does, or if its inly mentally/emotionally, doesn’t matter. He has to move on. Don’t wait for him. Don’t waste his time any more.

(“Oh, and if you find him, kick his ass for me.”)

Danny reluctantly agrees, and Rath lies down. Danny sings to him as he falls asleep.

(Angsty points if the vigilantes including Red Hood caught wind of their presence and were silently watching from the shadows. Rath might know they’re there, but Danny’s too focused on Rath to notice.)

(If only so that Red Hood realizes that this is what happened to Danny, and that Danny is gone before he can make things right. The tragedy, folks. The angst. The initial realization that Danny was Rath, and then also that Danny was dead and has been dead for years, and that before he moved on, he moved on believing that Jason abandoned him.)

(like i said it doesn't fit in the original timeline/storyline hence why its an au of an au and isn't nearly a fleshed out, but i was largely just focusing on the tragedy of Rath moving on and Jason being alive to see it and realize just who Rath is.)

-

Just like how the Lazarus pits shot Jason's twiggy 4'6-5'4 (depending on what you find) feet tall and 86lb ass up like a tree an essentially fixed his malnutrition, the portal did the same thing for Danny.

(granted i forgot about malnutrition and danny's likely stunted growth at first -- his family lived in crime alley and despite both his parents working, I don't think they had enough food all the time. He probably wasn't as badly malnourished as Jason was, but he wasn't healthy either.)

Granted his ghost in its "natural" state (14) is short, and his growth spurts were slow at first, it did result in him reaching his dad's height. There were points where it just happened overnight, like a baby. He went to bed one night 5’6 and woke up the next day 5’10.

Jazz is shorter than him. Although I have't decided if she's even liminal at all (and if she is, it didn't cure everything because she would have also suffered childhood malnutrition, and since in au canon their parents didn't get their hands on physical ectoplasm until after they got to Amity Park. So the exposure is less.)

-

Danny's voice absolutely sounds like canon Dan's. It kinda just dropped one day when he was 16-17 and never went back up. Sam and Tucker sometimes ask him to just talk about anything because they find his voice soothing.

I'm not sure yet how Danny would feel about it at first considering Rath, but I imagine that Rath, when he did speak, would have had a quieter and scratchier/weaker voice considering he's spent the last decade shrieking and crying.

(and i suppose technically that shouldn't have any effect on his throat considering he's a ghost and idk if that would actually affect him, but i like the idea so im keeping it)

In the beginning you could hear him from a mile away by the sound of his loud, echoing wails, but ten years later you can only really hear him by the soft, shuddering sobs he makes. Like he's gasping for air that isn't there. The future is full of very quiet survivors.

And it's much easier to speak when you pitch your voice upwards (especially when whispering/speaking quietly) so he might've spoken in a higher, airy pitch in order to be heard. So Danny might actually find a comfort in having a lower voice.

[clockworkvampyre]

my favorite steamgoth icon

[electr1c4]

i sometimes remember that troy and abed didnt canonically kiss and im like ummmmmmm r u sure i've seen them do that I'm pretty sure

[wistfulwatcher]

Look, I know I have no right to ask you this, but truly, what is going on with you?

[skunkes]

ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page

[imminent-danger-came]

A hypothetical scenario where MK was the one to kill the pilgrims in a past life, and what a conversation post that reveal might look like.

[mydemonsyourangels]

okay but you don't get it. sand saved ray's life. he went after him. he followed him despite the awful things ray said to him. and he looked after him. he shaved his face. he brought him juice. and ray still chose mew. he still flung himself at him the first chance he got. and sand has to see them together. sand loved ray so relentlessly and it still wasn't enough. he's still second to mew.

[anglerflsh]

ooooh in god if I have to see that "Autism on TV/Autism in real life" post one more time. Someone here is going to have their feelings hurt and then argued about only with logic and it won't be me

[thecatspasta]

taps mic

I need to ignore canon, have petrigrof work out their issues earlier, start a family and be happy. I need that for my soul.

My beloved lesbians <3

[whump-is-love-whump-is-life]

Thinking about that time before the betrayal. Those moments of happiness, of safety, of trust

When you think back to those moments and they’re forever tainted. When you’re just going about your day and memories hit you and they hit you hard. So many emotions in the present moment. How could someone so horrible seem so good? Were there moments you missed? Signs they aren’t who you thought? How could you not know?

How could they do this to you? To others? How dare they pretend they’re anything but a monster— and they are, always have been. You know it now and you feel so stupid for having not before.

How can you ever trust again?

[butch-with-a-deep-voice]

When I realize well after the fact that a hot femme was in fact flirting with me