#AND my skills are still lacking for actual execution

[teenwerewoofs]

design decisions are so hard 😩😩😩

[electricbathsalt]

Things I want to talk about/touch upon/see people mention more but cannot compile individual coherent posts about:

1. The fact Pops’ daughter apparently had a “falling out” with Pops (over her marriage??) that caused her to completely abandon the yakuza and maybe also cut contact with Pops (the dude is suspicious guys)

2. The fact that in the Overhaul-LOV initial meeting, Chisaki had to have intentionally chosen not to kill Mr. Compress.

3. The idea that many of Chisaki’s thought processes at least partially stem from his time in AFO’s facility. And of course, Pops.

4. How much Chisaki seems to lack a proper reaction to any sort of pain (He was beat to a pulp by Mirio & Midoriya, exploded himself, & got his arms cut off and I’ve never heard him so much as yelp) while still complaining about how overhauling himself hurts?? Yet he doesn’t show it.

5. (Highway scene) How Chisaki only screamed once the realization he wouldn’t be able to ever wake up Pops sunk in (isn’t confirmed but. I’m convinced).

6. The fact that there’s absolutely no way Chisaki wasn’t negatively impacted by being raised in the Yakuza. It’s simply inherent.

7. The blatant disregard Pops had to have had for both Chisaki and Eri’s well-beings to have designated Chisaki as her caretaker.

8. The endless amounts of potential for Chisaki & Dabi/Touya dynamics post-war, platonic or otherwise. (Multiple fics with this premise in my WIPs, lol)

9. The fact Chisaki seems practically incapable of holding a grudge. Like, think about it; is there a character you can say Chisaki genuinely, wholeheartedly hates and wishes the worst upon. You know what—what IS his opinion on Shigaraki/the LOV these days??

10. Realizing that in the initial Overhaul-LOV meeting, Chisaki literally just tone-matched them. Look:

Mr Compress says all that, and then Chisaki later explains:

Which, once you break down what Mr Compress said/how he said it, and what Chisaki said/how he said it… blunt statement of facts. Mr Compress told Toga how faded out the Yakuza have become with no sugarcoating, and Chisaki took that and said. “Well. Yeah.” But then when Chisaki did the same thing (blunt but true & valid criticisms of the LOV/Shigaraki’s leading skills (bc let’s be real, he was an ass leader at the time in terms of actual planning and execution)), the LOV got pissed. He pointed out all the relevant flaws and mistakes in Shigaraki’s leadership and then said it’d be better if he was the leader because he actually has a plan, and they got pissed at the mere prospect of serving under somebody else. Do you realize how much the story would’ve been altered if the LOV didn’t decide to just start attacking Chisaki here?? 💀 Sorry I’m exceptionally passionate about this bc the fandom gaslit me for a while into believing Chisaki was the one starting shit here 😔 but then I read it (a long time after I'd watched it in the anime) and was like. "what. he didn't initiate literally any of this shit. and everything he's saying is true??"

There’s probably more I could add to this but it’s getting long enough lol.

[reimeichan]

I was diagnosed with severe combined type ADHD well into my adulthood. The many years of undiagnosed ADHD has a major source of my trauma, and I hate it so much.

I know a lot of people think of ADHD as a silly, quirky disorder. Someone with ADHD has trouble sitting still, has focus issues, has short term memory problems, etc. None of this sounds like anything so bad on the surface.

What people often don't see is... how people like me are treated.

(tw child abuse ahead)

Growing up, I was often punished and berated for things that "normal" kids could handle. I constantly forgot my homework, couldn't get the executive functioning to start on projects until the last minute, would be so hyperfocused in a book that I would miss dinner, be unable to sit still long enough to practice piano, etc. And each time that happened, I would be punished for it. Hit, spanked, yelled at, grounded, belongings destroyed... it was constant, daily punishment. It felt like I could do nothing right. Pretty much all of my punishable actions could be tied in some way to my undiagnosed ADHD.

It was genuinely awful and I have a lifetime of trauma from that. I'm scared of even shaking my foot when I'm by myself in my own room, I feel guilty for spending any amount of time reading or playing video games. I beat myself up for my lack of executive functioning. And my parents never, ever tried to help me learn those skills. All they did was try to beat those "habits" and beat the "laziness" out of me. And tell me that "all kids experience that, you're just making excuses" (I now know that ADHD is often found within the same family, and I highly suspect at least one of my parents to have it as well to the point they normalized their own experiences).

I can genuinely say that many of my mental health disorders (the DID, the depression, the anxiety, the suspected NPD, and anything else I've missed) can all be tied back to my undiagnosed and unmanaged ADHD, and all the trauma that came with that. Hell, even into adulthood, I struggle more with my ADHD symptoms than I do with anything else. If anything, the other things just further exacerbate my ADHD struggles. It genuinely sucks.

This isn't to say I find all aspects of my ADHD bad. I genuinely enjoy the hyperfocus (when it's hyperfocus on something I actually want to hyperfocus on). I think the way my brain jumps from topic to topic, connection to connection, has made me more creative than many of the people around me. And it's very much a part of me that makes me kind of uniquely "me". But also... I know it's such a big part of my trauma history that to try to paint it as this positive thing in my life would be a lie.

But yeah. I wish we talked more about how traumatizing living with ADHD is.

[lensinski]

i'm only on season 2 of psych and i know they won't go with it, but i would have LOVED it if shawn's backstory was just that he was a criminal.  

his dad busted him as a teen, sure. but he ran away from home after that and all the jobs he claimed to have had were either part of a con he was pulling or invented to cover up the fact that the spent time in jail ("i spent a season with a dance group in buffalo" > "i spent half a year in jail in buffalo but my cellmate was good at doing the moonwalk"). that's the reason his dad doesn't talk to him anymore. he also blames himself for training shawn for being good at running from cops. 

we can see all the making in shawn's flashbacks - he could have easily gone down that road! he could have counted cards at poker and pull casino cons or use his perception to run from police and con people into trusting him. not to speak of gus' parents thinking he's a bad influence. he's way too good at blending in at any job spontaneously, almost as if he has experience doing that. also he has no qualms or guilt about it. he walks around breaking into houses and messing with the police because he's not scared of ending up in jail, he's been there a lot, he's very good at getting by and at this point he's simply used to it.  

his only downfall was his financial mismanagement and lack of organization. he was good at executing plans and impulsive ideas, but not good at planning or accounting for all the fallout. which means he fell out with partners a lot and had to skip town often when he got into trouble again. (spending all his money, messing with bosses, being disrespectful... basically being shawn) 

shawn comes back in town after freshly getting out of jail, done with always being on the run. when the police check his file in the pilot, they realize he's a serial con man with A LONG criminal record, so of course they are suspicious (in this version it was lassiter's partner working the case so that he doesn't immediately know about shawn's past. only the chief does, who keeps shawn's record buried from them so that he keeps working for the police without their suspicions).  

shawn realizes he can finally settle down and have a job that still satisfies his need for play and action while helping people and using his skills. his dad needs time to start trusting him again. he's so loose and fearless around cops and breaking their rules because as much as he loves this pi thing, he thinks he's still on buried time before he needs to go on the run again one way or another. so his development is starting actually settle down and let people back into his life. the secret he's hiding is not only that he's not psychic, but more importantly that he's a former criminal. and he knows if o'hara or lassiter knew it, they would never trust him again.

[mister-eve]

things i wish the sonic franchise brought back or implement.

.

Dark Sonic

seriously, i love imagining a fight between Dark Sonic and Eggman inspired by Korra vs. Zaheer ( when she was poisoned ). where he loses the cool attitude, the smile, everything, and goes in with full power, charging himself left and right at Eggman. it'd be even more fascinating to still have Dark Sonic lose. not because of his lack of power, not because of lack of skill, even when blinded by rage, but because of Eggman's ingenuity.

a lot of people, to this day, misinterpret Dark Sonic as a murderous, rampaging monster, but that completely misses the purpose of why he exists to begin with. i believe this is a case of people not exactly knowing where he comes from, or just a lot of fans drawing a murderous Sonic and it took the internet by storm one day, but just in case you don't know:

Dark Sonic is from Sonic X, a TV show that is sort of an expansion on Sonic Adventure 2, adding more lore, character arcs, and overall meaning to the game's original plot. Dark Sonic was revealed in the episode "Teasing Time" in s3, and the reason he appeared is because he discovered his friends ( Cosmo and Chris ) were injured and that one of them ( Chris ) was unconscious.

the whole reason this form exists is Sonic's love for his friends essentially fueling his rage. it's like Darkspine Sonic from SATSR, or has similar formula. Dark Sonic isn't inspired by any bloodlust or desire to kill, but rather by burning anger at seeing his friends be put in harm's way.

Dark Sonic is made from the strong desire to protect his friends.

2. An Actual Arc For Shadow

you guys might be confused, especially if you consider some of my previous posts, but lemme explain.

for a long time, it's never felt like Shadow has actually recovered from his trauma, atone for his actions ( yes, i understand he saved Earth ), or live life really at all. it doesn't help that, to this day, SEGA continues to make Shadow relive the past.

i don't consider the movies to be a part of the problem, as Shadow being introduced to the plot was basically a given, and you can't introduce him in your own take without his general backstory ( unless you're Boom or Prime, i guess ). i believe the movie will be doing taking some creative liberties to his story, as they did so with Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles, and i see no reason that they should stop.

the reason why i have an issue with this is because it's an ongoing issue within the games, specifically. Shadow the Hedgehog ( 2005 ) was a disservice to his setup and the 'first arc' ( considering he's still alive after the fans demanded his return ) to his story.

aside from it just giving 'early 2010s deviantart edge', it's just so...

childishly handled.

for one, you're immediately given a Hero or Dark route, like in SA2, which i feel completely misses the point of SA2's true ending. Shadow has redeemed himself ( or began to ), so to give him complete reign to just become an antagonist all over again defeats the whole purpose of a redemption.

it's like what Prime did with Dread, giving him an already established redemption arc ( sort of ), but then corrupting him again for no real reason other than just because.

another issue i have is Shadow's amnesia and attitude in general within the game. technically speaking, yes, it does make sense for him to suffer memory and // or physical issues from his fall from space, but to completely wipe out every single thing he did just to give him the opportunity to relearn his past, do some fucked up shit, do some less fucked up shit, then throw away everything in the past, Maria and her wish included, is...

amazingly obtuse, for lack of a better word.

again, while it's technically not out of bounds, i feel like giving Shadow complete and total amnesia just disrespects SA2's vision and execution of the story. it's redundant, it's lazy, and overall just really damn frustrating to watch.

Shadow deserves to have a story that allows him to heal from his trauma, discover who he is, and respecting Maria's wish along the way. a lot of people seem to think it's either he forgets about his past ( or buries it ) or full-on dedicates his entire life and doesn't bother picking up a life lesson or two, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Shadow can heal, grow, and change. SEGA just won't let him.

3. The Echidna Tribe & Knuckles' Story

Knuckles is one of my favorite characters in the entire franchise as a whole, but his character and story is sorely dismissed. while Shadow has the issue of repetition, Knuckles suffers from being dropped on the head multiple times and played for a joke ( i think Frontiers is one of the more recent games that didn't do this, but i might be wrong ).

one of the reasons why i love Knuckles is how straightforward, yet reluctant he was about finding out his past. at the end of Sonic Adventure 1, he says something to the extent of:

"maybe i'm better off not knowing the meaning behind all of this. because i feel something terrible will happen if i do."

he is content being ignorant for the sake of his own peace of mind.

but in SA2, he's more or less forced to start facing his fear and learn more about the past. unfortunately, though, we don't actually get to see much after this game, because the tribe is almost entirely forgotten. instead, it's brought up in comics that are more or less canon ( i think ), but not fully aligning with the games. i think it's safe to say the comics are their own canon?

like with Shadow, i would've loved to see an actual conclusion on this arc of Knuckles' story. to see more of the tribe in the past, of their wrongdoings, character moments, more of Tikal or Chaos or the little Chao, and how it all ties together.

but instead, we have lots of media repeatedly insulting Knuckles' intelligence, ignoring his tribe and // or his job entirely ( i guess they forget the Master Emerald is portable? ), and just generally dumbing him down to be a hotheaded moron that apparently doesn't care about being the Guardian!

Knuckles is one of the most relatable characters in this series for me, as there's a lot of things i would rather not know and stay ignorant to, but have to face head on in order to fully move past it and grow to be better.

he was completely isolated on Angel Island for so long, yet people still make fun of him to this day for being manipulated by Eggman in SA1 ( even though he didn't even fully believe Eggman, it was just a precaution, but who cares about the details- ). he's not just a hothead, he's strong, he's kind, he's pretty blunt and, honestly, really fucking adorable, i love this echidna.

look at him, just standing there. i love him.

anyway, Knuckles deserves a proper story surrounding his tribe, his identity as the Guardian of Angel Island, his relationships, and to have a satisfying conclusion. or, at the very least, more games or media in general not dumbing him down to an angry hothead with nothing better to do but to yell and ignore his responsibilities.

3. Sonic

"what're you talking about, ashe? sonic's meant to be a flat character! what could be wrong with him?"

yeah, but after frontiers, i want more mentally ill sonic that needs to be concerned for by his friends, okay, that's all i want-

4. Storybook Era

now, now, i know a lot of people don't like the storybook games because of their shoddy gameplay and all that, but i genuinely love these games, their flaws included.

i do believe satbk has a better story than satsr, but i still have an attachment to the latter game, so suck it.

it'd be really nice to see a storybook game with switch, xbox, ps, or similar controls. as the era has Sonic diving into different worlds, maybe a world like Alice and Wonderland could be an interesting game. several elements to work with, locations turning into creative levels or even hub worlds. this is sort of a long shot dream that will probably never exist, but i wanna see an adventure-style storybook game one day.

i'll probably die before that idea is even considered, but it's a fun thought and that's all that matters at the end of the day.

there's no real big reason as to why these matter or anything, as i don't believe you need a storybook in order to send off the messages these games try to give, but they're just really charming to me and i love to see how this type of game could be implemented into video games today, with all the new engines and whatnot.

5. Teams

oof, okay, um-

there's a few games that have teams in them, and i guess you can count sonic forces as one of those games, so i should be more specific here.

i like SA1's flexibility with the roulette-like system, where you could play as any character you wished, but i also like SA2's team system, where they all had a close-knit role within the story from a similar perspective ( hero vs. dark ).

SA1 served multiple perspectives, all giving you pieces of the same puzzle that you have to figure out as you go. by the final story, all of the characters ( except Big, but idc, i love him ) have their character arcs and it's with their changes that the story is fully complete.

SA2 served the entirety of two perspectives and merged them together for the final story, heroes and villains having to work together to fight off the greater evil at hand.

overall, i want more games having the characters work together, having different details // information or even moral differences ( it depends on which system they go with, though ) on the situation at large, but maybe still having to come together.

whether or not they use official teams, i want the sonic franchise to bring back using other characters as necessary plot points with their own individual arcs.

it may not be needed, per say, as there's still a few games that work and don't have either of these systems, but i really miss the adventure games and wish for more of their elements to be implemented in future games.

6. CHAO!!!

BRING THESE LITTLE CREATURES BACK, GODDAMN, WHY ONLY TWO GAMES?!

.

anyway, that's all i can currently think of. i think these would serve either character or charm to the franchise, but maybe you have some other ideas of what the games could give! maybe proper returns of characters, other forgotten stories, or even new ideas!

lemme know what you think.

[kimdokjas]

why you should read Mystic Prince if you enjoyed ORV

Mystic Prince / Prince of Myolyeong (묘령의 황자) is a fantasy and action-adventure manhwa with art & story by Aheuredal (아흐레달) and in my humble opinion, an absolute hidden gem. it's literally one the best manhwas i've ever read (among the top 2) and i've finally gathered my thoughts enough to try to articulate why i love it so much, and hopefully convince you to give it a chance!

here's the official summary on webtoon:

An immortal emperor rules the Kingdom of Yeol, a divine country blessed by gods with awesome powers. After a thousand years of peaceful rule, the time has come for a new emperor to be chosen. This is determined by a series of trials, in which twenty princes with special powers who have trained since birth must compete. As all princes of varying personalities and agendas gather to partake in the trials, intrigue and possibly even bloodshed seem all but certain. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the other princes, the Fourth Prince Jeok-yeon Ryu hides a secret he must guard with his life.

anyway i literally made a carrd for this, that's how much i care about this manhwa and i worked very hard on it!! you can find the carrd here*

(* also if you hate daily pass like me pls note that there's a fan translation as well! just keep in mind that some episodes have ost but you can find the links to youtube on the carrd as well. but if you enjoy it please do try to leave likes, comments, and a good rating on webtoon to support the creator!)

Mystic Prince is incredibly unique in terms of story and execution that i can't really compare it to anything else but here's why i think you'll enjoy it, especially if you also liked orv:

strong-willed MC who's not naturally skilled but works extremely hard

said MC is willing to suffer and hurt themselves to achieve their goals (aka kim dokja-esque tendencies)

seemingly cold and aloof ML with yoo joonghyuk vibes at first, naturally gifted and seems to look down on everyone

...but is actually head over heels for MC and just doesn't know how to express his feelings

ensemble cast of incredibly complex and well-developed characters with different personalities and motivations

MC seems a little dense at times but they have a tragic backstory that explains why they're Like That

incredibly bisexual vibes !! like literally off the charts

slowburn romance that is cooking up such a great meal

MC and ML have actually known each other for centuries

characters go through trials that involve risking death

extremely unique lore and world-building

i said ML before but there are actually multiple potential MLs with how much complexity all the character dynamics have

beautiful character designs (literally over 10+ within the main cast and they're all so unique)

evocative writing and heartfelt monologues that seem taken out of a book of pure poetry

narratively significant motifs of fire and water (à la orv's black/white and reader/protagonist)

profound and realistic depiction of the inner feelings and troubles that the characters go through

incredibly heart-wrenching original soundtrack! (actually made me cry)

some of the most gorgeous art i've seen in any manhwa (seriously pls just open the 1st episode and look at the first few panels)

[spoilers below for chapter ~10]

delicious gender fuckery

MC is actually cross-dressing afab (i personally hc them as genderqueer; korean doesn't have gendered pronouns but the official tl uses she/her pronouns)

bonus: they're built like a fucking tank (as seen here) like hello??? which is so refreshing to see for an afab MC

plus they're also canonically lacking in empathy but still deeply compassionate which again is really refreshing

i'm sure there's even more stuff i'm forgetting but these are just some reasons off the top of my head why i think this manhwa is so amazing

please do give Mystic Prince a chance, it's an absolute delight!! there are multiple beautiful covers but here's a couple of them, BE ART BAITED <3

and finally some of my personal reactions to Mystic Prince and also a note regarding the content warnings under the cut!

feel free to skip this part lol but personally when i look for recs, i love when people tell me their emotional reactions and how passionate they are about it! so if this tells you anything,

this is the ONLY manhwa to have made me cry so far (yes that includes the orv webtoon, but not the novel ofc) like actually ugly sobbing with snot and tears and everything lmao

(it's not all sad though! this manhwa will have you clutching your heart one moment and then cackling out loud the next)

and it's also the ONLY manhwa i've ever spent actual money on before the fan tl picked it up just so i could read the advanced chapters (i'm notoriously cheap so this says a lot imo)

and i'm not alone in this, every other comment on webtoon is people saying the exact same thing. the general consensus is that this is 100% a hidden gem (webtoon DP my behated why'd you have to shoot yourself in the foot like that)

also regarding the content warnings on the carrd: this was my first time making a list of cws (i don't think anyone else has made one yet?) and i was a little hesitant to add them, so i sincerely apologize if i missed anything!! if anyone else has anything else to add (cws or otherwise) then please feel free to send me a message and i'll be happy to edit it!!

(btw this was inspired by this post which is also a great summary for why u should read a cnovel called mist unlimited)

[freddie-77-ao3]

Percy Jackson-esque Chapter Titles for a fic i'm writing:

We have friends in holy places (and unholy- Hello Lady Hera!)

What’s Up, Random Person, We’re Kidnapping and Adopting You

Yeah, The Beach Is Nice- Thank You For Not Drowning Us

Hazel Was Dead and Still Knows More Than You

Thank Fuck For The Egyptian- How the Hell Did We End Up In Great Britain

Annabeth Is Obsessed and Bianca Is Possessed- There Goes Christmas

Question Of Our Lives and Today Especially: What The Hell Is Going On?!

Now Would Be A Good Time To Be Anyone Else

Call The Police Because We May Have Just Murdered A Mortal

Ask And You Shall Receive… Sometime In The Next Twenty Years Probably

A Guinea Pig, A Dandelion, A Pine Tree, An Olive Tree and Two Embarrassed Girls Walk Into A Bar  

Satan Or Santa? Neither Should Exist And Yet Somehow They’re Both Knocking On Our Tent Door

A Slight Reprieve From The Last Chapter: Connor Comes For You With The Question ‘Do Tents Have Doors?’

And We’re Back, Why Did You Guys Think Our R&R Would Last Long?

Sugar, Spice, Almost Dying Twice (Today)

Would You Put ‘Cheating Death Almost Daily’ Under Experience Or Special Skills?

An Inspirational Trip Through Hell- Persephone Makes Good Brownies

Those Commercials Where People Screw Up The Most Basic Of Tasks In The Most Idiotic Fashion Ever Describes The Current Situation

As The Prophecy Foretold (We Made It Up, But It Came True)

Living Normally? In This Economy?

And Then The Wolves Came… Sike (Thank Fuck)

The Snails Paced Chocolate Bunny Gives Mixed Messages But Good Cereal

What The Hades Is Going On, Someone Explain

Apparently Exploding A Volcano Makes Us 'Irresponsible’

Why Are Cats So Vengeful 

Oh Look! An Unhelpful Old Person!

The Adults Are More Annoying Than Leo Valdez and Nico Di Angelo Put Together

They Scream For Ice Cream, I Scream For Sanity

McDonald’s And Raising The Dead- Tuesday Never Looked So Good

Unfortunately, I’m Still Not Dead Or A Dolphin (Not For Lack Of Effort)

Eggs Apparently Don’t Like Being Lost At Sea

I’m Packing Up My Crayons And Leaving

Viva La Pluto, Fuck You Guys

A Guide To Giving Up

Hopefully We Can Do This Without Dying This Time

Lady Dirt Face Fucks Us Over- Apparently Today CAN Get Worse

Apparently The Horse Is A God, And Honestly, Fuck The World- But Not You Potty Sludge

If Love Is In The Air Then We’re Wearing Gas Masks- How We Almost Started A War On Accident

If Love Is An Open Door We Should Close It- Aphrodite And Cupid Both Suck

Vegan Ice Cream Sandwiches For One

I Call Shotgun (Said The Invisible Girl  and The Literal Ghost)

I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, I’ll Fuck My Way Out Of It

Things Go Horribly Wrong (Or Horribly Right? It’s Hard To Tell At This Point)

The Fine Art Of Bullshit

We Are Being Hunted And Killed (Why Is This Normal And How Can We Stop It?)

Previously On ‘The Chaos Chronicles”

Cool, Cool, Cool, Cool. Actually It’s Not- Who Lit Katie’s Hair On Fire?!

I’d Like To Say This Is Shocking, But That Would Just Be A Lie

One Hundred And One Monsters, And Twenty Times A Therapist Was Needed

I Am Honestly Surprised That We Are Still Alive, And Apparently So Are The Gods

You Will Never Be A God

Blackmail Only Works If I Care

An Offer I Can Definitely Refuse

Hush Little Baby, Don’t You Cry, You’ll Give Away Our Location, And Then We’ll Die

Only Come Back With Back Up Or A Burger- Maybe Donuts

Doomsday Or Not, Let Me Go Back To Bed, I Haven’t Slept In A Week And I Don’t Care

Practise Doesn’t Make Perfect, Practise Makes A Forest Fire And A Flood

Sea Foam Speaks and A New Person Shatters My Dreams

The Labyrinth Apparently Doesn’t Murder The Already Dead, So Can We Just Die Already?

For A Moment I Forgot Gravity, And As It Seems So Did The Sky, Which Is Good Because I’d Hate To Die Before Breakfast

And God Told Us To Run A Marathon- What Happened To Normal Executions?

At Some Point The Universe Just Needs To Kill Us

There Is Not Enough Faith For This, 

No Words Can Explain Dan, The God Of Moths and Accidental Demon Summoning 

 The Endless and Mysterious Ocean Becomes A Bit Less So, And I Should Have Paid For Diving Lessons

If Best Plus Bitter Equal Better, Then I Am Way Better Than Everyone

Firecrackers And Actual Crackers- Where Is The Cheese

He Likes Art. Terrible Art, But Still Art So I Suppose I’ll Forgive The Sword Through My Head

Hazel Drives Worse Than Thalia Which Says A Lot Because Thalia Crashed Into A Lake- Oh Wait

What Do You Do When The World Almost Ends- And No Nico, The Answer Isn’t Go To McDonalds

This Wasn’t Supposed To Happen (Just Like Me)

Can I Rewrite My Life Story, Because If So I’m Starting With This

I Wasn’t Prepared For Parenthood When I Stopped A Kidnapping, I’m Seven

Patting My Own Back, No One Appreciates Me, Fuck This And Really The Rest Of My Life

Apparently Dying Is Not An Excuse For Being Late, So Fuck You Too 

Buying Happy Meals For The Dead Isn’t An Excuse For Being Late

Caped God? I Was Hoping You Had Said Cape Cod

Incoherent Screaming Is Our Theme Song, And I Feel A New Episode On

Who Told Apollo He Could Give Us Presents, Because MCR Is Not A Proper Wake Up Call

It’s Jesus Who Ruined Our Lives This Time, Folks

Don’t Awaken The Ancient One, She Has Anxiety

I Did Not Know That Could Kill Someone, But You Learn Something New Every Day

The Gods Themselves Want Me Dead, You’re Not Special, Todd

Doritos And Death, A How To On Properly Waking And Raising The Dead Featuring A Trip To Alaska

What Was I Thinking? I’m Pretty Certain I Wasn’t

News To No One: The Previously Dead Can’t Drive

I Really Hate Saving The World Actually

How Many Times Is That Threat Going To Work Considering It’s Not Serious? A Surprising Number

Everyone Asks Who We Are, Not How We Are, And Honestly I’m Pretty Hungry

The Gods Hate Me And I Don’t Know Why (I Do Know Why, But I Don’t Care, And Honestly They Shouldn’t Either)

 Which Circle Of Hell Are We In Now, Because I Was Not Planning On A Field Trip To Tartarus

We Master The Elements (Some Of Them- We Also Torch And Flood New England)

In Which We Almost Die Again And No One Bats An Eye

 Our Lives Would Be Incredibly Saddening If We Could Sit Down And Look At Them, But Leo Burned Our Chairs 

The Houseplants Try To Eat Us, And Katie Gets Mad

We Babysit For A God, And Then Adopt His Kids- Surprisingly He’s Fine With This

Dreams Do Come True And That Is Absolutely Not A Good Thing

There Goes My Best Bargaining Chip (Oh And Also His Head)

A Series Of Horrible Decisions- Who Decided I Was The Leader

Hylla, Please Don’t Leave Us- Oh, You Can Give Us A Box Of Cereal? Nevermind 

Sunshine And Rainbows Are Meant To Mean Happiness Not War- Iris and Apollo Destroy Things

Please Don’t Hit Me With Another Brick

We Were Happy And Then There Was A Giant Pigeon

Oh My Holy Fucking Shit That Was Not The Right Lever

In Which Swimming With Sharks Almost Leads To Death And Yet Saves Our Lives

There Is No Highway To Hell As It Turns Out, Only Backroads, And Now Nico And Thalia Are Disappointed

And Then The Sky Almost Crushed Us Because It Fell And Honestly I’m Never Trusting You Again

There Goes Normal Society, Say Bye-Bye, Miranda 

Are We Supposed To Live Through This?

The Dick Who Hands Out Toothbrushes Also Assigns Us A Death Quest And This Is Why We Don’t Celebrate Holidays

Sorry For Cursing You Out, Please Fix My Life

The Plan Checks Out- We Can Do This! (Spoiler Alert- We Can’t)

Three Hundred And Sixty Five Times We Can Say Fuck In A Hour

Please Let Me Pass Out On Your Lawn

Apparently Yelling Fuck At The Sky Is Considered ‘Disrespectful’ And I Haven’t A Fucking Clue Why

Yes Sir, That Is A Lot Of Blood, And No Sir, She Doesn’t Need That Leg

That One Time We Accidentally End Up In The Slaughter Sea, And How That Manages To End Up With A New Leader Of The Amazon Empire And Thalia Gets A Girlfriend

Yes, I’m Aware I Look Gay, Thank You Very Much, I’m Here To Be Queer

This Person Is Nico di Angelo With Less Shits To Give, And Honestly That Scares Me

A Good Idea With Bad Results And A Bad Idea With Surprising Results- The Ending Will Astound You

Never Thought I’d Literally Be Shut In The Closet Again, But Life’s Full Of Surprises

One Million Pounds Of Oranges And Sadness, Sixty Thousand Pounds Of Mangos, And A Truck Full Of Happiness- Monsters Not Welcome

Who Packed The Blueberry Muffins?

Nevertheless She Persisted, And Yet Just Like That, She Gave Up

What The Hell Is This, What The Hell Is That, Why The Hell Am I Here, What The Hell, *Moonwalks Into Hell*: A Brief Summary Of Life

All Is Fair In Being The First One In The Shower

We Accidentally Summon An Army Of Lost Souls

All Our Nightmares Come True And We Prove We’re Idiots

Life Gave ‘Lia Lemons. She Squeezed Them In My Eyes. Please No More Lemons.

Trying To Play Nice To The Gods Never Ends Well. In Other Words, Percy Is An Olive Tree

What’s Happening? I’m Digging My Own Grave, That’s What

Finger Guns, Peace Signs, and Middle Fingers To Nowhere- Home At Last

In Jason’s Defense, He Tried, But The Dragon Was More Interesting

Keeping A Family Alive Can Be Difficult, Especially With No Education and More Monsters A Day Than Cash (Twenty Dollars)

Thalia Tries To Sing Over Annabeth And Percy Arguing And All That Happens Is A Noise Complaint

At This Point, Murder Is Less Of A Passing Thought And More Of An ‘It’s Only A Matter Of Time’

Cousin Bonding Time Doesn’t Usually Include The Gods, But There Are Burgers So…

According To The Crazy Titan Lord Kronos, Asking If A Newborn Looks Like A Rock Is A Question That Will Result In The Death Of The Asker

Oh Joy, I’m Facing Scrutiny Over My Love Life From Immortal Preteens

Oh Things Couldn’t Be Worse When Your Parents Run The Universe Oh Things Couldn’t Be Worse When There’s A Vote To Kill Us (Leo stop using Jazz hands!)

We Have The Worst Family Reunion Ever 3.0

Barbed Wire Instead Of String, The Fates Hate Me More Than You Might Think

Zombies, Zombies Everywhere, Wave Your Hands Up In The Air

The World Is A Different Place When You Know What The World Is (Spoiler Alert: It’s Your Murderous Great Grandma)

The Refrigerator Seems Empty, Much Like My Soul

Ah, The Smell Of Success, It Smells Like Bullshit

My Heart Is Broken (Like Those Crackers That Bianca’s Eating)

Utter Chaos: Now Featuring Camp Half Blood And Literal Blood

Family Drama Destroys My Life

Family Drama 2.0: Family Drama Destroys California

So Then A God Says We ‘Will Save Humanity’, And Thalia Says ‘What The Fuck’

Two Middle Aged Women Start Screaming In Walmart

The Main Braincell Holder Is Asleep, God Doesn’t Exist, And Starting Forest Fires Is A Normal Way To Deal With Stress

Hell Is Just Life On Steroids

Queerly Beloved, We Are Gathered Here Togay… A.K.A. A Bet Ruins Rachel Elizabeth Dare’s Life

Normal People Would Avoid This, But The Two Most Normal People Here Used To Be Dead Or Will Die When A Stick Lights On Fire, So We Can’t Have High Hopes

We Try (And Fail, But Hey, It’s The Thought That Counts, Right?)

So THAT’S Where The Greek Fire Went. Sorry, Bus Driver.

Percy Has His Gay Awakening In The Form Of His Grandfather (Technically. He’s Also Technically His First Cousin Once Removed Or Something- Annabeth’s cousin maybe?)

You're Annoying Me To Death With Your Monologue So I Have To Kill You Now

What Can Go Wrong Will Go Wrong Doesn’t Mean You Should Set My Bed On Fire

Thalia Does Shock Therapy Meaning She Electrocutes People When They Say Things 

We Should Know By Now That Yelling Doesn't Solve Things But We Don’t, And The Gods Don’t Either

Most Of My Life Is Incredibly Traumatizing, But This Is New 

Who The Fuck Invited The Norse?!

Okay, I Thought The Norse Were Enough, Why Are The Magicians Here?

Wow. Popcorn. The Roman’s Worst Nightmare. 

So First The World Almost Ends, And Then The World Ends But It Gets Better, And Now It’s Ending Again?

Prophecies Can Fuck Off, And So Can Apollo

“Treacherous Nephew In The Tuxedo” Should Sound Funny, But It Doesn’t, And That Makes Leo Sad

 Why Is A Titan Making Dad Jokes? 

Falling Into A Dumpster Was The Highlight Of My Day, What Is Life

Grieving For The Living Is Just As Hard As Grieving For The Dead

Please Forget That I Tried To Kill You

In My Defence, An Invisible Higher Power Who Has The Ability To Strike Me Down Made Me Do It

Let Out A Boo For The Boom Man

Twenty McDonald’s Happy Meals And A Gun- Godly Gifts Are Awesome

We Enter The Maze Of Doom (This Time With Fabulous Prizes)

Two Brothers Are Not Happy As A Sister Cheers On Two More Brothers As They Duel To The Death- (Triton & Tyson & Kymopoleia & Percy & Anteus Have Sibling Bonding Time) 

The Eight Year Old With A Gun Manages To Save And Then Destroy A Life

Hello, I’m Queer, And Full Of Fear. Please Kill Me Now

Children Try To Make Plans (It Doesn’t Go So Well)

Thalia Grace Once Again Proves That Being A Demigod Really Fucking Sucks

It Don’t “Do Be Like That Sometimes” Leo, We Are In HELL

[finalfrontierpublishing]

A Great and Gruesome Height by @moku_youbi. 

So this bind was a wild ride, with experimentation galore. It’s my 10th bind (HURRAY) and I started this bind knowing I wanted to play with thread, given I had so much fun with the stab binding. I had some red thread which i had originally purchased for the VTE bind - and just the right shade i was going for so i went for it.  

the original idea i was going for was ‘red thread of fate, but make it MURDER’ and so this tidy little concept was born. half way through the design conceptualization phase i had a little epiphany while watching season 3 of hannibal that blood spatter stringing was ALSO red thread and i just couldn’t resist (yes i know hannibal’s little murder tableaus seldom have blood but the string! MORE STRING!) 

More photos under the cut. 

Statistics: 

115559 words || 426 pages

Body Text: Crimson Text 

Chapter Headers: Cormorant Garamond

I quite like the experimentation with body fonts and trying to divert away from regular Garamond. So far, I’ve only used Baskerville, Garamond, Liberation serif and Cardo, but I do like this one. I lack the typography terminology but it feels fancy and posh and something Hannibal would enjoy. 

I also aggressively rounded this book - boy is it ROUND, perhaps a little too so. i had a difficult time getting the spine piece to be as round as I liked. 

Also, it was my first time putting a quote on the first few pages - i have zero regrets. Also featuring my new imprint page with AN ERROR (IT’S DECEMBER 2022 NOW OOPS). 

I didn’t have enough heat-reactive foil and this fic has 40+ chapters so I could only foil the last couple of chapters which were actually short mini-sequels to this fic which I also added in. I have to say, using a laminator over an iron for heat-reactive foil is MUCH superior. I didn’t have to work myself into a frenzy trying to get an even layer of foil on it. 

Endpapers are a little bunchy because of the thread. But i had to put butterflies because THE CHRYSALIS has hatched (i will never tire of hannibal metaphors).

See below for the conceptualization phase on cricut and er paper. I have zero art skills and have aphantasia so I had to print it out to try and figure out where everything needed to go. 

This bind is also the bind where I won my blood sacrifice badge - don’t use rusty tools guys. The spouse had borrowed my rotary cutter to cut wrapping paper for christmas wrapping and is RIGHT-HANDED. Self is LEFT-HANDED. Tool returned to me as is and I did not check if the blade protector was on the correct side as the tool will get flipped direction wise depending on the handedness of the user. So guess who needs to get a tetanus shot today? :joy:

 All in all, still a successful bind. It is a little busy, and if I had to do it again, I might not put the titling on the spine (always a little crooked, cause I roll that way). The Siser gold and silver metallic HTV for the hands fought me the entire way, and I’d probably not use it for such delicate lines - only part of it adhered and it made me very upset at first but since the bind is for myself it’s fine. 

I’d also use a thinner red thread next time (the thick waxed linen thread for leather work doesn’t fuck around, WILL NOT BUY AGAIN) because as you can see 3-4 rounds around the finger looks like it’s choking it and i had some space limitations at the edges. 

Well, a fun idea, with less than perfect execution but I’ll probably do it again one day if i ever summon up the courage to consider making this again (perhaps for the author if i get over my massive to-bind pile). PROBABLY NOT IN WHITE - gad WHITE IS SO SMUDGEY - nothing to remind you how dirty your hands are than white bookcloth. this is off-white pearl BUT fingerprint smudges!!! 

Resources: Page dividers made by evil-robot-cat here. 

EDIT: THE AUTHOR WANTS A COPY!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  🥳  😱 🫠 yessss AUTHOR COPY!!!! 

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Book Review #40 – Dead Silence by S. A. Barnes

This was yet another book that has been on my TBR list for so long I had entirely forgotten what the actual pitch was – I went into it pretty much entirely blind, just ‘sci fi horror’ from the glanced over marketing copy on the back. Which is really the best way to go about reading(/watching/playing) horror, anyway. It was an entertaining enough read? If an uneven one – the first half was really incredibly better than the second, unfortunately.

The story follows Claire Kovalik, the ‘team lead’ of a maintenance crew repairing com relays in the ass end of the solar system – at least until they finish this last run and are officially rendered obsolete. Too psychologically fragile for her corporate masters to trust her with an actual ship, the only future she has to look forward to is a deskbound sinecure revising training manuals on Earth. She’s seriously considering killing herself instead, when their sensors detect an archaic distress signal past the edge of charted space – the Aurora, first and last space liner for the rich and famous, vanished with all hands on its maiden voyage decades ago. The finder’s fee and accumulated bounties would be enough to set everyone on the team for life (not even counting any artifacts they pocket to auction on the side), so the five of them board and reactivate the old hulk, exploring its galleries and aiming it towards Earth. Just a 60 hour burn to reliable communications with the rest of the system, totally worth it for fame and fortune. Even once they start discovering the state of all the former passengers, and figuring out what happened in those last hours aboard the ship.

So! This is Event Horizon but with the Titanic. It’s other things too, but that’s the pitch. Now, I like Event Horizon, and adore exploited corporate serfs being slowly suffocated by looming dread as they explore the gore-stained ruins of past decadence, so that’s no bad thing for me. But still, even from the outset this is not a work that tries to break any molds. This honestly becomes much more of an issue in the third act, when the book basically shifts genre and also has to come up with answers and a resolution to the whole thing and just does not land it for me.

The main twist on the formula is that Claire is the only survivor of a Martian colony that was annihilated by plague (and a missed resupply) when she was a child, the physical and emotional trauma of which left her partially deaf in one ear, terrified of emotional connections and (most pertinently) already possessed of significant experience with hallucinating the bloody corpses of people she cares about wandering around when she’s stressed. Which turns out to be a very useful life skill, when they turn the ship back on and everyone starts having to deal with that. Which is mostly pretty fun! The paranoia and terror as everything goes to shit at the end of the first act are great. Sadly, the book then decides to keep going.

The first half of the book is the story of the initial salvage crew’s discovery of the Aurora, as relayed through Claire getting debriefed/interrogated by a couple of corporate goons after being found half-dead in an escape pod. The latter half is those same corporate goons conscripting her for a return journey to the ship, now guiding three platoons of mercenaries. It’s like if you watched a double-feature of Alien and one of its bad sequels. The book slips from well-executed to paint-by-numbers, and the big reveal is basically the most boring possible answer you could imagine. This is not helped by the book’s action sequences just not being very...good.

Part of that is just the book’s complete lack of faith in its audience, or understanding of subtlety. Several twists are telegraphed so obviously that it’s hard to believe Claire is actually surprised by them, and character beats are just repeated so often you want to grab the author and scream you get it already. Claire’s tragic backstory is repeated something like half a dozen times, and the surprise villain spends half the final confrontation basically giving a monologue about how he’d drown a nursery full of babies if it topped up his 401k.

Villains aside, the supporting cast is mostly fun-if-one-note. Decently executed, but all very much walked out of sci fi central casting. Which more or less works, in that they’re all energetic and mostly fun to have on page. The unfortunate and singular exception is Claire’s love interest, the team medic. Whose...nice? Has a daughter back on Earth? Might as well be a statue carved from literal white bread? You know the cliche about hollywood action movies where the hero’s girlfriend has zero personality or arc and mostly exists to be hot and motivate him by being imperilled? Basically the gender-flip of that.

One thing the book kind of teases but absolutely never really explores or tries to resolve is the fact that in addition to all the hallucinations and madness with (boring, but) mechanistic and materialistic explanations, ghosts might also just be real? There’s several points in the book where Claire sees the body she doesn’t recognize hovering around someone, and when she describes it to them, they know who it is. It’s also a recurring thing that her visions of her dead mom are supposed to be how she even knew how to send out the SOS that got her rescued from the dead colony as a child. You might expect that this would eventually build to something, or be key to the final resolution. You would be incorrect.

So yeah, would have been a very solid horror novella if it just cut the entire second act. As is, I mean I’m not angry I read it, but not sure I’d go out of my way to recommend it either.

[snowswan-royalehigh]

My personal thoughts on Remarried Empress

Hi there! I'm not going into an too much of an in-depth analysis, so please take my words with a grain of salt. I'm going to focus on Rashta's past.

Rashta is a very well written character, she's shown to be naive and innocent, with underlying layers of cruelty and a character development towards greed which is wonderfully executed. However, the fandom refuses to allow her to have nuance to her character.

When the webtoon and novel start off, we already know Rashta is somewhat portrayed as a villainess, and during my first readthrough, I also wanted to sucker punch her in the face. (I would be publicly executed by Sovieshit) But when I reread I realized how much nuance I missed, and some nuance the fandom ignores entirely.

We start off knowing Rashta is a runaway slave. Which already starts us off on a generally sympathetic note, because we can tell she's had some form of a bad life prior to becoming Sovieshit's concubine. We know she has an annoying habit of speaking in third person, she's a crybaby, she's incredibly controlled by her emotions, she lacks critical thinking skills, and she doesn't even know how to read or write.

Rashta is incredibly easily manipulated, she shows that with her interactions with Sovieshit and especially Duke Ergi. Duke Ergi influences almost all of Rashta's moves, such as the Christmas tree wedding dress, which was a huge embarrassment. In defense of Rashta's lack of knowledge, she was a slave. How was she supposed to know about how these things, when she had spent her life, being forced to clean, with no hope of escaping. She hadn't even done anything to become a slave in the first place, she was made one so her father wouldn't have to pay for his crime. She was uneducated as can be. Reading and writing at that time was only for the highborn.

Rashta is confirmed to have had a lot of love for the idea of her children, and she carried that baby to full term. Imagine how mortifying it was when Lotteshu showed her that corpse. (How the hell did he even get his hands on the corpse. We should be focusing on that a lot more) So could we really blame her for running away, Alan abandoned her as well, and Lebetti always treated her like trash.

Rashta undergoes a corruption arc because of the people around her. Navier remarks in her head that Rashta has no one good around her to inform her, in the webtoon.

Now, imagine this situation from the point of view of Rashta. You just saw your supposed dead child with an obvious great amount of trauma via your whole childhood, and now, the emperor, an incredibly powerful man, has proposed to become your lover. He's going to give you protection, and most likely save you from your horrible life. Everyone forgets the power dynamic of these two. Rashta is the lowest in society while Sovieshit is the highest. What terrible consequences would Sovieshit's pretty ass conjure from rejection? Even the webtoon remarks that it's like a fairy tale.

Navier and the rest of the nobles are her enemies, because of how she was raised. She actually started off the webtoon looking up to Navier, and seeing Navier as someone she could basically worship, and believed that Navier would act as a motherly figure although she was greeted with Navier's justifiable pettiness although Rashta didn't know what she was doing wrong.

If Rashta was the protagonist everyone would be gushing about her, because she is manipulative, but so is Navier. The people around Rashta fail her, when she could've been so much more, and she has so much underutilized potential. Rashta would've been incredibly hyped up for kicking Navier out, and Navier would be seen as cold hearted and self centered.

TL;DR, Rashta is still an antagonist, but she is not a straight up villain. She's complex, and she's more human than any other antagonist. She's only hated on for being the 'other woman' and the fandom acts like she seduced Sovieshit for the funsies.

(Fuck Sovieshit, all my homies hate him!!!))

[lansplaining]

You know, in modern aus I feel like JGY gets done dirty a lot.

Like, this man is hardworking. Say whatever you’d like about anything else; not even the worst of takes try to claim that he’s anything less than dedicated and talented. In canon, this comes to nothing because the system is. The system is VERY not good, like, even more not good than usual.

But JGY is hard-working and very good at PR (look at those children! playing as the Noble War Hero Lianfang-zun! everyone saying ‘god i hope we don’t lose this guy for that brat teenager’ which is not the highest bar I admit but still works for my point!) it’s just that no matter how good he is at PR, his image is stained and destroyed by the default. He has to work against that shit.

He’d probably still have to work against it in a modern AU but also, like, his father isn’t the only possible source of an actual powerbase. His father isn’t his only way to power (and more importantly: safety), here! That alone does a fuck-ton, even if I’m halfway sure he would still end up trying for fatherly approval. But even just that lack of being permanently and irrevocably stuck on a ride that fucking hates you would do wonders for him.

He’d probably still end up as a scandal but there’s a difference between Modern AU magazines constantly airing out your personal life and people refusing to touch you because they believe you’re inherently tainted. Like, people will be assholes, but there is a real possibility of power all on his own merits, and I don’t think I can buy any version of Jiggy who would not desperately wish to have that. He wants to be RESPECTED! He wants to be SAFE! He wants to RUN A BUSINESS and by god, he is good at doing it.

Just. If NMJ can be less rage-poisoned, can JGY not get to be…you know. Valued a little more. You could scrap up replacement for magic murder via the switching of meds for a chronically ill man, after having erased all the original reasons why Jiggy did that murder in the first place, but you could also just simply NOT do that. If NMJ is not actively deteriorating due to rage disease then why is JGY the exact same way or pure cackling evil??? You do not think (comparatively) more equitable set-ups would…have an effect on him as a human being. You do not think that a society in which bureaucracy is a more valued skill than the ability to swing a sword around would have an effect on him?? YOU THINK A WORLD WHERE STARTING A BUSINESS IS A THING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY AND SUCCESSFULLY DO, WOULD HAVE ZERO EFFECT????

TL;DR — JGY should not be JGS’s cronie in Modern AUs, not if NMJ is out here with no degenerative evil disease, personally cuddling the souls of sick baby bunny rabbits back to life. He should be a middle manager struggling his way up at worst. Ideally, he should be a rival business to his father’s, about to crush him beneath his heel, and carry LXC off into the sunset.

YEAH MAN THIS DRIVES ME NUTS

why does modern AU NMJ always apparently get access to therapy to become a well-adjusted nice guy, but JGY's out here scheming and sometimes still literally murdering people

whatever crimes JGY actively commits need to not be that far outside the scope of what everyone else in his society is doing. literally everyone in the jianghu kills people-- that's the point. if JGY's doing actual murders, then everyone else had better be members of the mafia or FIFA executives or something

[unforth]

Okay, so over on the business account ( @duckprintspress ) I said that I'd finished reading the newest article about the Hugos by Chris Barkley and Jason Sanford (this article) and written up some thoughts that troubled me. I AM gonna post them, because I feel strongly that there are aspects of this being pushed aside as if they don't matter, and. They do matter.

To be clear, I am NOT an expert. Most of my knowledge second or third hand, but I've been active in Chinese fandoms for four and a half years, have friends in China, am actively studying Chinese, and at least have a (white, Western) point of view a little different from what I've seen in coverage so far.

What's troubling to me here is the minimal discussion of the dangers in China. It's mentioned in passing that self-censorship happens because the placement of the red line is so unclear that no one is sure what will constitute passing it. Leaving aside that that's an intentional design feature from the Chinese government - they enforce when they want to enforce when they want to enforce it - what's not discussed in this article is who was actually at risk.

The Chengdu organizers in China: if McCarty and the others didn't comply, would the Chengdu organizers have been in danger of ruin? Imprisonment? Execution?

The Chinese authors who were removed from consideration: what were the perils to them and their families if they hadn't been removed from consideration?

The Western authors who were disqualified: if they hadn't been removed, what might have happened to them upon arrival in China? Could their safety have been ensured?

This article presents a very narrow view (and extremely important and informative one, but still only) into one aspect of what happened. At the beginning of it, Barkley indicates that this article shouldn't be considered a final word, and that's a point that really needs emphasis: we know now about exactly ONE aspect of what happened. We do not know what was getting communicated to the Chinese organizers, and we do not know what they were doing with that information. We don't even know who those Chinese organizers were, nor who their influencers, stakeholders, investors, etc., were, nor what their goals were.

This article, and many others, ultimately end up reading like the Western organizers were Actors and the Chinese government was an Actor and that everyone else in China involved who wasn't The Man (business, government, etc.) was a passive receiver of whatever these three groups did. Without more information about all those other people (who, granted, NEED anonymity to be safe, but we don't even have anonymous statements), what we know about this situation is glaringly, starkly lacking, and it feels (if I'm being generous in my interpretation) patronizing that all these regularly Chinese people are getting treated as not having agency under the monolith that is Chinese Government And Business Interests (ill-defined in everything I've read) on the one hand and, on the other hand, Very Specific Named Western People Who Get To Have Names, Power, Agency, And Active Participation In Events.

We have no information whatsoever on what risks the Chinese organizers might have been willing to take.

We have no information whatsoever on what was discussed with the specific Chinese people who set this event up, bought ballots, etc., etc.

It's this ginormous gaping hole in the coverage, and while this gets acknowledged a little in this article, what no one seems to be saying is "if people outside China can't get this information for various reasons, perhaps we're not the right people to tell this story" or at least "we're only able to tell a small part of the story and people who have the necessary language skills, information, expertise, and contacts should do what they can to bring more to light." And again, Barkley and Sanford DO acknowledge that, but in ways that read to me as throwaway and incidental (my opinion, only, other people may have found that wording more impactful, I was already getting frustrated by that point and that would have colored by interpretation), and in the end I feel like it prevents them from posing some of the questions that are truly essential to understanding this. (Some of this is likely known, just not by me, to be clear, but these are the questions I'd personally like to know more about before I can draw firm conclusions about what happened.) For example:

Who in China was really behind organizing and funding this?

Why was the decision made to hold the event in China?

What research was done into Chinese censorship before the event bid was accepted, and what impact did the results of that research have on the decision to accept the bid? How much of that information was provided to the people reviewing the bids, and when and how was that information presented?

What is happening that is causing Chinese posts on this topic to be deleted?

What is the danger to Chinese fans who've spoken out? What is the danger to the Chinese organizers of the event? Have they been victims of reprisals, and are they safe now?

WAS this self-censorship or active censorship, and who was ultimately responsible for the decisions to remove the ballots?

There's so much we don't know, and so much that we probably can't find out at all, but the focus solely on Western sources (by Western journalists and interests, who seem to rarely have ANY contacts in China, much less ones capable of providing useful information) has been a huge flaw of virtually every bit of coverage I've seen on this.

China isn't a ginormous evil black box, and I'm getting really tired of reading coverage that foists off explaining what happened there onto "well, acshwally, the Chinese government..."

What I really want is an acknowledgement that had Dave McCarty refused to do this research, there's a very real chance that people's lives could have been in danger in China. And it's all well and nice for a bunch of people in the West to say "they should have stood up for what was right." But the Western Hugo awards committee people are NOT the people who would have been in danger had they taken a stand. They could have sat perfectly safe in countries with more secure freedom of speech, while their counterparts in China and Chengdu had their lives ruined over it.

And I'm not saying that was a factor.

I'm say we don't know. And without knowing that, I'll own I'm extremely skeptical of any conclusions being drawn about what we DO know. And I'm saying that if McCarty and the others knew that was a risk that existed, it could have colored their decision-making process, and pretending that the issue wasn't a factor feels naive at best. Knowing that the event was settled in Chengdu and couldn't be moved, I wish I was seeing more people asking: was insisting that these works be nominated for an award worth risking the lives of people's lives for? If there was active censorship, and McCarty and the others had fought it, could the Hugo awards have possibly have won against that active censorship, and if they'd tried and failed, what would the consequences have been?

Based on this article, I'm genuinely frightened for Chinese SF/F fandom organizers, authors, and fans right now. I've seen what can happen to people in China, and I'll own it's distressing to see how little that factor seems to matter to the people upset about the censorship, all of whom are safe in places that aren't China.

I want to see more discussion of: once the bid for Chengdu was accepted, what were the genuine options left on this topic? Was this censorship an inevitable outcome of holding the Hugos there? Or, as I personally suspect, is what is happening now not the result of the Hugos being held there OR of the censorship that was done by whoever did it, but rather the result of how all this coverage is making China look bad (when we STILL DON'T KNOW IF CHINA HAD A HAND IN THE CENSORSHIP AT ALL)?

I think we're missing way, way to much information for the level of conclusion that I'm seeing people draw based on this article, including myself in the meme I made based on only a surface understanding of the contents of this article.

I'll own, as someone who knows just enough about China to understand some of the risks people there took, this is feeling like a lot of Westerners going "CENSORSHIP BAD! STAND FOR WHAT'S RIGHT!" while sitting safe and sound and ignoring their counterparts in China and all of the Chinese SF/F fandom screaming "THIS IS DANGEROUS FOR US THIS COULD RUIN OUR LIVES."

I'm. Not comfortable with a lot of what I'm reading, including parts of this article. I'm not saying I know bad things have happened or will happen, but I do feel that a lot of people opening their mouths know far too little about China, and do not seem to think they have a responsibility to learn more, to be taking the stands that they are.

[dealilcats]

The Rancia Misto Post - AKA Mr.Mistofeles the necromancer cat

Hello :) Rancia Mistofeles has been plaguing my brain for the past two weeks, so here's a few gifs, a drawing, and an explanation of why it caught my attention. Tap read more to see everything!

Art, based on a pic from the website:

Scroll all the way down for the gifs.

Introduction:

First off, I'd like you to know that everyone is absolutely ecstatic when Tugger starts singing about Misto. They cheer, waving their arms and tails around, even before Misto enters. The actor plays him as an adult cat, who knows his worth and his skill. You'd never want him as your enemy - he's powerful, and confident, he's a little cheeky too - he takes his sweet time showing off and hanging out in the audience, and there's this moment before he climbs on stage where he looks back and forth between it and the spectators, as if weighing whether he's made the cats wait enough yet.

He has two main tricks: smoke out of his hand, and making Deuteronomy appear with a flourish in between the cats, both of which he executes without effort. Oh, and he's a necromancer...

Tugger is proud but unphased, he's seen it all before - this is just another Tuesday to him. They don't interact much, but Tugger clearly knows him like the back of his hand. Munkustrap, despite having been beaten into the ground by Macavity a few minutes prior, actively dances with Misto and hypes him up. Pouncival looks like he's about to lose his mind. To say they love him would be an understatement.

Lyrics

The beginning is about the same. But already in the second half of the first verse, there's a notable difference:

Indovina le carte che hai, È il terrore di tutti i croupier Ci sa fare coi dadi e ti può rovinare se si mette a giocare con te

He can guess your cards He's every croupier's worst nightmare He's skilled with dice and he will ruin you if he decides to play against you

Meet Mr Mistofeles, an active threat to every casino's fortune and to whoever has the misfortune of playing against him. The fact that this isn't connected to him being a telepath or clairvoyant makes it sound like he actually enjoys playing and learned the regular way.

I'd like to put emphasis on the expression "si mette", which means "to decide, to do something with genuine effort". Here, it functions as a warning: you'd better not challenge him, he doesn't go down easy - he's unrelenting! Once he starts, he carries through all the way - he will take everything you have. (It's almost like Tugger is speaking from experience...)

Beh! È timido e sta sulle sue, puoi pensare che sia riservato

Oh well! He's quiet and aloof, you'd think him quite shy

As far as this song goes, this is the most faithful bit. The reason I'm mentioning it is the initial "beh", which shows up in the boot but not in the cd recording. "Beh" can mean a variety of things, based on context and intonation.

This is right after Misto makes smoke burst out of (a prop) his hand. Everyone is amazed, but Tugger just says the equivalent of "oh, well! Anyways," because this is normal to him, and there is so, so much more that Misto can do.

And oh, is there more. Third verse, second half:

Riesce a leggere nei tuoi pensieri E comunica con l'aldilà Tra i suoi magici arcani poteri C'è anche il dono dell'ubiquità

He can read your thoughts, And communicate with the dead Amongst his many arcane powers There's also the gift of ubiquity

This is where things really take a turn. It seems that the authors have decided to take away the benefit of the doubt. It's not hearsay, it's not him being sneaky, it's not the humans being befuddled - he's got actual powers. Arcane powers, at that. He can talk to the dead. He is, for lack of a better term, a necromancer.

It's fair to mention that the first verse still talks about his more traditional tricks - the lace, his amazing balance, and his tendency to steal cutlery. Therefore, one could assume that this is all exaggeration, the way the poems are originally meant - Tugger is showing Misto off, and maybe he gets a little carried away.

I have a few things to say to that.

This is the only song to deviate so blatantly from the source material. Even Macavity doesn't get that - you'd think, if they took such liberties with Misto, Macavity would be the next best candidate to do the same, right?

No. His song, like most every other, is a near perfect translation of the original.

The sensible answer is that the authors were trying to hype Mistofeles up as much as possible - a few card tricks and a dubious teleporting prowess must not have been cool enough for them. But then why pick necromancy, or "arcane powers", of all things, when he's supposed to be an illusionist who uses his skills to hide knives and sleep in two places at once? On top of that, it seems like a pretty big piece of info to just drop and never use or mention again.

My theory is that this is rooted in the interpretation that has Macavity killing Old Deuteronomy. While Macavity doesn't appear again wearing Deuteronomy's pelt, his fight with Munkustrap is violent and involved enough to assume he wouldn't hold back with an older cat. But would you look at that, Mistofeles, the necromancer cat, can bring him back!

How convenient!

I have to appreciate how "he speaks with the other side" is just tossed in there after saying he's a telepath. Those things aren't really consequential or similar at all, and Tugger could've led with that to begin with, but I guess cats have different priorities.

Gifs - (Flashing warning for the very last one.)

1: Misto magics something and hands it out to an audience member. It's a business card, supposedly.

2: Watch the center. Munk and Pounce grab Misto to help him backflip. Tugger does not help (I don't think) but he's right beside them, maybe for spotting.

3: Misto is the one moving around on stage, Tugger is on top of the trash pile at the center. Munkustrap is crouched to the left of it, having a chat with Alonzo - but then Misto holds his arm out and Munk springs to action. Misto jumps Munk's back - behind them, cut off by the gif, Tugger bends at the waist, participating in the hype (or just thought it was funny)

4: Misto saying hi to Vicky (you can tell it's her because of the ribbon around her neck.) This is the moment he appears on camera, and the first thing he does is run to grab her hands. He looks back to the audience, and she nods - he then proceeds to hang out down there for a minute more.

5: the "have they waited enough yet?" gif. Misto, down in the audience, looks back and forth, shrugs as if he's just remembered that they're waiting for him, and then looks back again halfway up the stairs like "I should probably go"

6: everyone gathers to see misto do his trick. Misto is on top of the trash pile at the right, Tugger is the lonely black figure standing in the middle. He jerks his arm right on cue as the smoke comes out. He's seen this a hundred times (and it speaks volumes how he was annoyed with Gus for the same reason but isn't with Misto)

[zacki0gaming]

Trying To Analyze Cintagon’s Backstory In The Season 1’s Finale

I know haven’t got a lot of analyze posts to say about the TPC series, but I want to actually fully talk about Cintagon’s backstory here, including truth of Pentellow’s mother, the Green Tree of Life’s conversation, etc. It is because I definitely know it’s still terribly written to this day for me…

Scene Overview

So apparently, Cintagon’s story discloses crucial information regarding Pentellow's origins, her mother's fate, and his own paternal relationship to her. It revelation serves multiple narrative purposes: it elucidates Pentellow's background, contextualizes Cintagon's challenging past decision between the Green Tree of Life’s request (we will get to this bullshit part later…), and establishes a profound emotional connection between the long-separated father and daughter.

Analysis

Cintagon’s Revelation

Lines:

"It was before this pink virus existed."

"Your mother died from giving birth to you."

"So your father was going to raise you like any parent would...But..."

"He had to give you away to someone else."

Setting the Context: Cintagon starts by mentioning a period before the Pink Corruption Virus was created. It contextually shows how this backstory is gonna playout later on within this discussion.

Grief and Responsibility: Cintagon’s statement about Pentellow's mother dying at childbirth, introduced a profound sense of lose as Cintagon's use of "your father" in the third person creates initial distance, building suspense before revealing his true identity to Pentellow.

Conflict and Duty: The word "But..." introduces a turning point, highlighting the internal conflict between his parental love and his sense of duty, evident through his promise to raise Pentellow like any other parent would.

Pentellow’s Curiosity and Shock

Lines:

"Why?"

Innocence and Curiosity: Pentellow's single-word question encapsulates her confusion and longing for understanding of her seeking the truth about her past and more about her family's background.

Cintagon's Explanation and Vulnerability

The Backstory’s Dialogue:

"The tree of life told him to. It said his daughter will become the second caretaker, and will succeed at it. If he's willing to give you to someone else. He was devastated. He thought he could never see her again... Until now. I can finally tell you why I had to give you away."

Forgive me for my stupid computer pen writing skills here....

So basically, this flashback represents Cintagon's vulnerability through the Green of Tree of Life's request in order to have his daughter, Pentellow to become one of the Caretakers. It is testament if he is wiling to give his daughter to someone else. So, remember the promise Cintagon made to take care of his daughter like any other parent would?

Emotional Devastation: This will get heavily influenced and destroyed here, humanizing the depth of Cintagon's long-lasting emotional toll for sacrificing his chance of taking care of his daughter in order to have her become one of the chosen ones.

Revelation of Identity: By saying "I can finally tell you why I had to give you away," Cintagon reveals his true identity as her father, blending relief, regret, and a desire for reconciliation.

Alright, here’s the main fucking problem here…

I don't mind Cintagon being Pentellow's father, but the overall execution of this main storyline arc needed more improvement. It was so underwhelming, rushed, and poorly-written. The initial episodes of Season 1 (1-5, and possibly 6) primarily felt like we were focusing on Cube and Cyan's characters when they basically became caretaker and hero in the first few days. But however, this sudden shift to Pentellow's backstory on searching for her long-lost family feel somewhat abrupt and disconnected.

The buildup to the realization of Cintagon's role as Pentellow's father lacked subtlety, with foreshadowing that was overly transparent. By the conclusion of Season 1, Episode 9, when Polyhedron stated, "Oh, you need to find this guy named uhhhh…. Cintagon," the revelation had become quickly predictable, diminishing its potential impact.

Now we talk about the backstory here. In essence, the Green Tree of Life makes a highly controversial and seemingly unjustified decision, instructing Cintagon to go fuck himself to cease all of his parental responsibilities towards his daughter for a period of 24 years. Let me say this AGAIN...! "A FUCKING 24-YEAR TOLL." I don't like this because The Tree's request was just so unreasonable and poorly justified. Like, the Tree was just seeming to disregard Cintagon's paternal role and emotional well-being, not wanting him to actually take care of his daughter for no fucking reason WHY…!

Overall, this main story arc for Pentellow appears to have been implemented hastily, resulting this storytelling experience with so much of wasted potential. Pentellow dosen’t get a whole lot of character development, Cintagon’s backstory was poorly-explained with the Green Tree of Life being so nonsensical and out of character for the sake of being a asshole toward Cintagon.

Alright, that’s all I’m gonna say here. See yall in my next rant post.

[blueikeproductions]

Transformers fans have been going over a new quarterly report and there’s good news and bad news. The former is Transformers is Hasbro’s strongest performing brand, the later is RotB and EarthSpark’s toy sales are stinkers. In particular, EarthSpark’s considered an underperforming product, with the show’s ratings in the smelting pool. As some of us anticipated, the second season is the most we’re gonna get, no third season or beyond.

So as much as some don’t want to hear it: EarthSpark is essentially a flop, and the second season coming at all is more because it’s too late to axe it.

What’s carrying the toys so far are the collector lines: Legacy and Studio Series. For better or for worse, do NOT doubt the power of nostalgia. Also pricing. A friend was telling me a parent audibly freaked out at the prices of the EarthSpark toys, so that’s keeping parents away.

Do kids still like Transformers? Well in my experience they do, but they largely liked G1, Prime, RiD15, Bayformers and Rescue Bots. They did NOT like Cyberverse (especially in Japan where I’m told toys are STILL rotting on shelves down there), and now apparently EarthSpark. I didn’t see RotB in theaters so I can’t speak for that, but I did see a lot of kids at Bumblebee when it was in theaters.

The easy answer on its failure, and we all know GriftTubers will latch on to it, is Nightshade. Transformers making it on to Fox News is NEVER a good thing… not helped as the owl continues to be controversial due to the Japanese dub deciding to make them male. (Personally I say split the difference if Nightshade ever reappears and make them he/they but still.) I’ve been clear on my stance that NS is fine and cool, but I’ve also placed more importance on their skills, interests and personality. Their gender is not important to me to get them to like them, but the unfortunate problem is too many people on both sides focus on their identity and it scared off normies and parents. Again, well meaning like the Blue’s Clues Pride Parade, but read the room. There was a way to make NS work and still let them be NB, but they didn’t do it, and I still say the old “they’re Terran because gender means nothing to them as a robotic life form” was the way to do it.

The more nuanced answer however is more complicated. ES wound up being another kids show that was actually for adult fans and not kids, choosing to instead focus on a sense of identity and HYUGE importance on family. Stuff that isn’t bad on its own, but most modern writers and executives don’t understand subtleties: resulting in a lot of Bludgeoning of well meaning ideas in a show that doesn’t feature the Master of Metallikato. Most kindergarten and elementary school kids aren’t THAT interested in that stuff, they like Pokémon, Mario, classic Disney, classic Star Wars and anime in my experience. And Transformers has a certain expectation among people, and while there’s been stuff in the past that involves talking about things (Rad having environmentalist tendencies and Optimus respecting his feelings on needing to protect the environment when a fire breaks out during a Mini-Con Panel hunt, with Tigatron, Optimus and Dinobot having a similar conversation more than once in Beast Wars), if the Autobots AREN’T waging their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons, most aren’t interested.

This feeds into the show’s writing which also I think killed it: the show’s writing is decent but it only gets weaker as it goes along. The overfixation on making the Decepticons into misunderstood bullies who need a hug, despite also showing them perfectly content to kill people, the mixed signals of all the known Earth Decepticons now being friends with the Maltos, Optimus being a doofus the longer the show went on, the heavy IDW slants that weren’t popular at all with general audiences like Autobot Megatron, and Fix Fic Blue Eyed TFP Starscream. There’s also lack of proper follow up on plot threads like Ravage and Mandroid’s friendship with Alex, Schloder’s reasoning for hunting Bee being stupid, mysterious Transformer artifacts, poor reasoning on Energon aliens running amuck, why Cybertron never re-established contact, the lack of understanding why Quintus Prime seems to have such an interest in Earth and why the Emberstone is even here at all and more. Sure some of this might be touched on better in season 2, but do I trust this writing team now? No. No I do not. I think this can be summed up by the rejected episode pitch with Ratchet and Drift. More focus was put on them being husbands, and while both tried offering their own reasonings for the Cyber Sleeves, there was no concrete answer provided on why the kids had the sleeves. Its especially odd in that I wager they would’ve played up Ratchet’s atheism from IDW, but never once have Quintus actually speak up through the sleeves, like a joke in Family Guy where Stewie calls out Brian’s atheism because Jesus crashed on their couch recently. The episode is just… more fluff. People don’t want fluff in Transformers, and we’re seeing that with how well the Energon Universe is continuing to kick everything’s afterburner in comics. IDW never did that. The best selling stuff towards the end was the Marvel G1 prequel and sequels, and the Beast Wars reboot and those were still low in the rungs.

So what can be done to get kids more on board with new TF content? Go back to basics. Transformers desperately needs a new Beast Wars style show to give it a kick in the pants tv show wise. Earthspark I think fancied itself as that but was not meant to be. The Energon Universe is a good start: the true Neo G1 successor to the 80’s cartoon canon so far. The easy joke me and a friend have made is to just adapt the Energon Universe for tv, but it’s not ready yet. I think using it as a spring board would be useful and having the Void Rivals be supporting characters would help expand their exposure. But the simple matter is this: absolutely under no circumstances use IDW/MTMTE post war stuff. I’m willing to go as far as using characters like Adaptus, Nova Prime, Nominus Prime and the Guiding Hand for certain things but that’s it. Classic good Autobots vs evil Decepticons. Megatron is full on evil like in G1, the movies & Unicron Trilogy: no more of this making him into a repentant Anakin nonsense. More of stuff like Optimus’s friendship with Sparkplug and Spike and his consoling of the deer. Earthspark was on the right track making him more lighthearted and closer to the well meaning dad he was in G1, but they pushed it too far the other way like Cyberverse did. Maybe ease back on Bumblebee a smidge, that worked with ROTB and Energon Universe so far, and other than maybe a little mixing and matching (Like Strongarm, Iguanus, Fixit, Barricade, Blackout and other guys being main Bots and Cons for a change), stick to the basics.

Edit: adding more because I had to go run an unexpected errand. Not only the basics, but let’s revisit the idea of a proper anime again. It’s the second major modern anime boom in the States, why DON’T we have a new RiD or Unicron Trilogy type thing? And no I refuse to consider Prime Wars and War For Cybertron anime. I don’t care what Netflix calls it. The fact we don’t have a TF anime currently is baffling; the last time we had an anime was Transformers Go!, and that was more of a one off spiritual Brave successor. I’d rather at this stage Takara commission a new kids anime for Transformers with writers over in Japan scripting the premise who know what they’re doing to make a fun children’s show. Then it can be dubbed and we get Blum, Kaplan, Zeno and other popular/veteran anime dub voice actors to reprise roles/do new ones. I don’t care if Trigger, Toei, Polygon, Science Saru or whoever animates it, my stipulation going forward is 2D animated TF anime, but with designs that are easier to hand draw. Like somewhere between G1 and Transformers Animated. I liked the Armada designs but I can see why Energon and Cybertron opted for CGI for the robots because they became way too technical to draw outside of very specific scenes. If full on 2D robots wasn’t acceptable, the CGI technology used for SSSS. Gridman and Bravern is acceptable, but a full return to 2D animation is preferable.

As for a setting: Earth. Autobots protecting their human friends against the Decepticons. A new gimmick properly implemented from the toys into the show, with the Quintessons as a villainous third party with a stake in the affairs, hiring Mercs like Devcon, RoughEdge, Lockdown and Rampage, or freelancers like the Skuxxoid and villainous Void Rivals to do their dirty work.

Something like that, but above all else cast wise: Blaster and his Cassettes MUST return. And to acknowledge EarthSpark, Hashtag can be his kid sister, with Twitch as one of Hashtag’s own cassettes. Everybody wins.

[rassvetsky]

there's bucky on your masterlist so here i go, bucky hiding and taking care of reader when the reader is being searched for? maybe the reader is a former enhanced soldier or something like that too. i hope i made myself clear lol thanks!

tysm for the request!! im actually so happy that i got a bucky barnes request hehe (and this specific anon sent me another ask with a pt. 2 idea are they perhaps an angel.)

Lost & Found

bucky barnes x gn!reader

it takes one brainwashed soldier to find another.

[3.6k] | ex hydra!reader, mentions of torture, mentions of brainwashing, mentions of murder, being chased, trust issues, traumatized reader, my poor english skills & bucky being a sweetheart. pt. 2 later maybe??

reblog and/or like for a kiss, feedback much appreciated! not proofread.

Your legs felt like they could give out any minute, your lungs burning with the lack of oxygen. You didn't feel like you had enough time for a deep breath as your feet carried you forward, making you feel a bit dizzy and disconnected. The relief of knowing kept you sane, however. Knowing where you were, what you were doing, who you were.

God, you missed knowing who you were.

Before it all, you were an excellent Intelligence Officer, under SHIELD's wing. Kept your personal life and job far away from one another, divided by a three-meter long rampier. Came back from work to a quiet, warm apartment where you could finally relax and unwind.

That was until during one mission, everything went downhill and you lost contact with the rest of your team- your tracker was broken to pieces after the fall, your body covered in debris. And even though you expected to see familiar faces when you finally opened your eyes with a pained grunt, you only saw the muzzles of a few guns pointed at you, before you blacked out again.

That's where a brand new chapter in your life started, erasing each and every single one behind.

Memories of the past few years were reduced to snippets of gore. Your blood, mixed against someone else's. Torture, inflicted by you, or to you. Information that didn't belong to you instilled in your brain. You didn't have a say in it. You couldn't, because how could anyone stand their ground against scary men with weapons bigger than themselves?

It took them a long while to trust you with missions. Your mind refused to let them in at first, knowing exactly what was to come. Exactly what they were trying to create out of you. You held on for as long as you could, no matter how painful it was because you still knew that even if you cooperated, they'd still hurt you, just to break into the barriers of the human mind.

When they started making progress with the brainwashing period, the training period started. That part was a bit rushed, you were a needed asset and you couldn't be kept in a base forever. Certain missions were supposed to be completed, and most of the time, they weren't that hard on you. Even though they didn't let you go on every single mission, the ones you went on were exactly what you were trained for. Infiltrate, execute, abandon. Nothing big. Get back to the base, and wait. Until next time that they'd need you.

You didn't plan on going back. Not anymore.

And that's why when the base got raided down, you didn't stay to help. You didn't stay to be rescued, even though you knew exactly who was behind the raid and they could definitely help. Through the sound of bullets shooting through, walls being broken down, and screams of pure agony, you still ran, far away from anyone that could recognize you.

But Bucky did.

You gave him the push to escape after the Battle of Triskelion, and still, let him go. Told him to never come back, no matter what. Didn't tell anyone.

He wanted to come back for you, he tried to; but you were moved away before he could get to you. And with that, you were a ghost again. Untraceable. Back to square one, former intelligence officer of SHIELD that got 'killed' after a certain job. Someone who knew too much, someone nobody dared to look for.

He tried to get his hands on everything he could find about you. The school you went to, your late family, former co-workers; everything. Intervention after intervention, at some point, he finally stopped chasing after a ghost, taking Steve's advice. But even when nobody saw you run, he did, and he would recognize you anywhere. Just like you did for him years ago, he let you go, and didn't tell anyone.

It took you a while to get back to your senses. Your brain desperately wanted you to go back to the base, just because you got used to it all. It was a constant battle between knowing you should never go back to that hell, and feeling worthless unless you do.

You knew that couldn't just resurface after all those years, after everything you've done. After everything they made you do. Even though you didn't have a say in anything, you were still the one who pulled the trigger, and you wouldn't exactly blame anyone for thinking that you changed your side on purpose, brainwashed or not.

And back to the moment, as everything you've been through flashed before your eyes, you kept running. It was the desire to stay alive that kept you up on your feet, that let you run even faster than you thought you could.

Out of all the other places, you didn't expect to be found in Slovakia, and honestly, you weren't even sure who it was behind you, but you still ran through the empty streets in the night, footsteps as quiet as they could get as you pushed yourself forward with every ounce of power left in your body.

But the sound of the motorcycle engine kept drawing closer and closer, as you held onto the straps of your backpack tighter and kept going. The pads of your feet, your calves, they all hurt but you weren't going to stop now. Not that easy. And when you finally saw your figure shadowing the motorcycle's headlight, you reached for your pistol, silencer worn.

The engine stopped. You stopped. And for a moment, nobody dared to make a move. Not even a sound was spared through the quiet nature of the night before you slowly turned around, pistol pointed towards the driver. Tactical outfit, fully black as if he wanted to blend in with the shadows, just like you. He seemed muscular, biceps visible through the thick material. And he just stood there, not even daring to draw a weapon. Just stared, you assumed, behind the helmet.

"I'm going to ask this once," you spoke up, voice raspy and a bit out of breath. "and you're not getting more than ten seconds to answer. Make a move, you're dead." you took a few steps towards him, shaky hand clutching the cold metal weapon so tight that you felt like it wasn't even shaking anymore. "Who are you?"

He didn't answer at first. Just reached for his helmet, as slowly as he could, before lifting it off his head. Brown, medium-length hair fell against his face before he pushed them behind, and a pair of eyes locked gaze with yours. You could see him with the street light's contribution, and the face was way too familiar, so you figured he was one of the-

Oh.

Of course.

Those steel blue eyes. You'd recognize them anywhere. "Got your answer?" he spoke, for the first time, and his voice erased every single one of your suspicions. It was him. The one and only, Winter Soldier, most important asset of HYDRA. The one you were sent a hundred times to clean up after, to protect, to report to. Only he could be dumb enough to come back for you, even when you specifically told him not to.

"Asset."

The long motorcycle ride didn't help with your exhaustion, it only added to the fuel in the end. No words were spared until he led you to an empty apartment and locked the door behind the two of you, as you dropped your backpack on the couch before sitting down with a grunt. The place seemed quite rundown and empty, it was even cold. You didn't let your attention linger for any longer though, as your gaze fell to the hardwood ground beneath your feet.

Feeling his eyes on you, you decided to keep asking your questions until you could feel satisfied. Until you could feel trust forming. "How'd you find me?" you asked, watching him as he handed you a bottle of water, which he took from the console by the side of the room. He didn't speak until you took a few sips -which kind of made your throat hurt after all those hours of endless running and gasping for air-, taking a seat on the couch right by the side of yours, leaning back with a sigh of comfort.

"Let's just say I know the path a brainwashed soldier would follow," his tone was soft, almost as if he was trying to assure you that he wasn't posing as a threat here. He was on your side, his eyes desperately tried to tell you that. They held a glint of sympathy and understanding that you haven't seen from him before, back then you only knew him as HYDRA's fucktoy, held up to a certain importance which didn't keep him off from torture by any means. "You weren't easy to find, I'll give you that-"

"Why?" you blurted out, elbows against your knees as you buried your face in your palms. It all hurt- your brain felt like it was way bigger than your skull and you swore you could feel the pressure against the bone. Your throat was still sore, your legs felt numb and you just wanted to keep your eyes closed for a week straight. And through it all, you knew it wasn't worth it to go through all of that trouble, just to find you. You couldn't help but wonder if he had other plans with you, but for some reason, a voice in your head kept telling you to trust him. "Why would you even fucking bother?"

"Why did you bother?" he snapped back, one side of his lips tugged upward in a cheshire-like grin, just a bit more friendly than that. "I'm just paying you back." you didn't answer that, not exactly knowing what to say. You just exhaled through your mouth, looking up at him after a while of contemplating everything.

"I don't even know your name. You're just- Winter Soldier. The Asset, for me."

"I know yours."

"That's just creepy." and he chuckled at that, amused.

"It's Barnes. Bucky Barnes. Kind of surprised I wasn't the first thing you looked up after escaping." you shook your head, only able to offer a poor excuse of a smile as you rose up to your feet, all-tactical outfit not comfortable in the slightest bit.

You didn't tell him that you barely had an hour to sit down, the paranoia of being found eating you alive as you kept yourself in the shadows.

"I'm going to take a shower. And go to sleep. Don't make me regret trusting you, Barnes."

Let's just say, he didn't make you regret trusting him one bit. The two of you remained hidden for a couple of days in Slovakia, before escaping to Romania through the Hungarian border. It was an almost an eight-hour drive including your stops and the detours -and God, it made you hate motorcycles- before you two reached a safer spot -in his words-, to plan what to do next.

Bucky knew that the Avengers wouldn't trust you at first. For all the right reasons, obviously, he wasn't even sure why he trusted you in the first place. You just had something about you, a light in your eyes that still persisted, gentleness in your movement. He saw himself in you.

You weren't exactly in a condition where you could trust anyone either, you knew that the Avengers weren't the bad guys, not in the slightest, but you knew what kind of judgment you were going to face. The man helping you hide told you all about the judgment he went through. The fight between Stark and Rogers, how things that happened outside of his control caused a turmoil of events which eventually led to almost being killed by an Avenger. Not that Stark was wrong whatsoever, but you both knew that if HYDRA wanted you to do something, you would do it. Because the consequences would be far more horrendous.

And honestly, after all of that trauma, you weren't sure you could go through another set of people telling you that you're a disgusting murderer, nothing above an asset, nothing more than a toy. An evil being by choice.

And sure, you weren't former best friends with Steve fucking Rogers, you and Bucky barely knew one another. It only made sense for you to fear whatever it is that could come from the Avengers. "You know, you can't be on the run forever," Bucky absent-mindedly mumbled when you two were relaxing by the couch one day, while snacking on the leftover fries you ignored earlier, as you kept your eyes on the cartoon playing on the screen.

"Nothing else that I can do," you shrugged, reaching for his lap to steal a piece of food. He kept looking at you, this couldn't be kept up forever. The Avengers kept asking him where he was and what he was doing, and just for the sake of you, he had been lying to his friends for weeks now.

"Look, even if nobody else does, Sam and Steve would trust you," he huffed out, trying to reason with you. He understood the paranoia that kept you on the edge, but it wasn't like you were completely helpless. "Can't we give it a try?"

"If you want to leave so bad, Barnes, just go. You don't have to drag me along." you sighed, tucking your feet under your body to keep them warm. "I'm so grateful for everything you've done but please, I won't need your protection forever."

"And I know you don't, sweetheart," he wasn't giving it up, not that easy. Getting a hold of your wrist, he tried to tug you a bit closer. "But you need to trust me, yeah? Nobody's going to judge you while I'm here, not like they judged me. I'll make sure of that."

At that, you finally looked at him, heaving yet another sigh before reaching in to wrap your arms around his neck.

That was new.

You buried your head on his shoulder, eyes closed as you felt his arms wrap around your figure, too. His embrace was warm, humane, and so foreign that it made you flinch against his figure at first. Even though you fought against the trauma, it had still been years since you've had anyone touch you in a friendly way. "It's not that I don't trust you," you whispered. "I'm just afraid of everything going downhill again and- and ending up exactly where I started."

Bucky felt your pain in his chest, too. "That's not going to happen," he whispered back, reassuringly patting your back. "Not while you got me by your side. And if you'll only let me, Sam and Steve, too. Nothing you've done is unredeemable, there's nothing to be ashamed of." he pulled you away a bit, just to have you looking at him. "This isn't nearly as safe as where I want us both to be. Nobody can hurt you there. We'll- we'll find a way to get rid of the nightmares, the guilt- everything."

You could only nod as an answer, already -mentally- exhausted by everything that had been going on. You leaned on him for a while longer as he held you, whispering things in your ear that felt just right to hear. Some way, somehow; he knew exactly how to keep your mind at the moment, rather than in the past. He knew exactly how to remind you that it was all behind you now, and you only had the moment and the future coming after.

A few more days passed until you gave in and let him give the infamous Captain America and the Falcon a call, you specifically waited in your room until his conversation with them would be over because you didn't feel like you could handle the slightest bit of distress on his face at that moment. Your worries proved themselves to be unnecessary though, as Bucky burst into the room after a few minutes, relief clear on his face.

"Steve said he'll talk to Tony," he hummed, settling down on the bed right next to you. "Tony can be a bit suspicious of literally anything, but he means well. Hopefully, they'll arrange a ride for us and we'll be on our way, alright?"

"Right," you noted, a timid smile on your lips as you reached for his hand, holding it between both of your palms. "Thank you, Bucky."

"Anything for you."

You noticed how time would pass a bit faster in the Avengers Compound, as you were surrounded by things to spend your day with. You often found yourself in the training room, taking your frustrations out from a poor punching bag -which you started to feel bad for, even though it was clearly inanimate- or watching whatever movie you could find.

You didn't really talk to anyone else other than Bucky, and they didn't push it. After a few interrogation sessions -which Steve assured you that they were done just to learn more about what HYDRA did to you-, you were finally left alone -at least a little bit-, deciding to spend your time trying to get to know these people. You knew they used to work for SHIELD as well, but you never personally worked with them.

You found it easy to be comfortable with Natasha, she wasn't the most emotionally available person ever but she understood what you went through.

She'd try to drag you along to get-togethers, brush out your hair when you felt too out-of-it to do so, and sometimes even sit with you through a movie.

Sam was a bit harder to be around, but he was way too sweet for his own good. He did almost everything in his power to get you to play table tennis with him and to make it a usual "Y/N and Sam time" event, and it meant the world if he could get a smile out of your mostly-neutral expressions.

Steve was patient. He was easy to talk to, and easy to be around. And you knew that it was him who trusted you the most, after Bucky. He made sure you didn't skip any meals and kept your training up just so you wouldn't fall behind.

"If you want to redeem yourself," he said one day, after a particularly exhausting session, "You could help around in the Compound, or with missions. Not saying you have to, but if you ever wanted to, I'd love for you to tag along."

You were forever grateful.

The rest took a bit longer to give you the benefit of the doubt, but your fears diminished with time. There were certain ground rules -such as an alert system going off whenever you left your room, and of course, any sharp objects were kept far, far away from you- but finally, you were above a freak. A murderer.

After one long day, while everyone was huddled up in a room to watch a basketball game -which, according to Sam, was the most important thing to happen in the past few years-, you decided to get some fresh air and join them later.

Stepping out of the compound building, you sighed contently, the late night breeze waking your entire being up successfully. You paced around by yourself for a small while, before hearing the sliding door open, a smile making its way to your face almost immediately when you noticed it was Bucky. "Hey, you," he walked towards you, hands tucked tight in his jeans pockets.

You kept your eyes on him, expression soft and relaxed -which, Bucky wasn't used to seeing, but he could admit that it was one of the most beautiful sights he laid his eyes on-. "Aren't you gonna watch the game?"

"You weren't there, so," he shrugged, earning a subtle chuckle from you. It was then, that he reached for you and wrapped his flesh arm around your shoulder, tucking you close to his chest. "I'm glad you're here, you know?"

"Me too," you leaned against him, wrapping your own arms around his waist loosely as you looked up at the stars, at the moon. You were sure Bucky was the one to hang it there. "I'll- I'll get back on my feet as quickly as I can. And then I'll be of use, I promise."

"You don't have to rush," he snickered against your hair. "Let yourself heal. It's just nice to know that you're safe."

You slightly pulled away from him, hand against his chest as you looked up at his eyes. They were shining in all the right ways, reminding you where home was. By his side.

Now or never, you thought, before raising yourself a bit on your feet and planting your lips against his, unable to break away from the tentative kiss even after a few moments as he held you there. As he kissed you back. And he was so gentle as if you were made out of porcelain; soft lips brushing against yours with a meek passion. Each and every touch of his lips added fuel to the wildfire burning through your insides, keeping you warm through the breeze. You held his face in your palms as he tucked you closer to his body, both of you smiling against the kiss until it broke away.

"I've been planning on doing that for weeks." he breathed out, chuckling to himself in disbelief as he shook his head. "So thanks, for stealing my idea."

"Oh shush."