#Also I love living alone so much and I am extremely lucky that it's something I can afford to do

[homoqueerjewhobbit]

My ADHD tip of the day/new personal philosophy is: BUY MULTIPLES.

Anything you spend a lot of time looking for, have a bunch around the house. There's no reason you can't have three sticks of deodorants in different rooms or masks in every coat pocket or anxiety pills in every cabinet (the literal worst thing I can ever imagine is being unable to find my propranolol during a panic attack)

I'm old enough to know I'm never going to be a "just leave it in the same place every time" person so I'm just leaning into it. I can always find *one of* the hair brushes after all.

[do make sure you don't drive your roommates crazy leaving shit all over the place though]

[suyacho]

christmas wonders ft. keizo arashi

christmas wonders come and go both as memories & stories. what if this one is there to stay and possibly make your life better, even if it holds a risk?

ho ho ho, merry chrysler @benkeibear <3 sorry for the long wait, i hope it was worth the wait though hehe. i brainstormed a lot on who i should do but who is better than benkei? 🤭

content warnings: ageless blogs/minors dni - fem!reader - cursing - drinking mentions - they’re playing uno - mentions of shinichiro having a gf - friends to lovers - reader blushes - found family - mistletoe kiss - gentle giant - kinda oblivious reader & benkei - size kink - slight foreplay - unprotected sex - praise - scratching (his back n biceps) - spit mentions - he cums early - nicknames (my love, bear) - mostly soft fluffy sex - spit mentions - 3,4k words

note: i just wanna give s big thankyou to everyone who beta’d this and heard me out🫶 i was extremely insecure writing a character i never wrote before nor thought of before so please be nice, i truly hope i did him justice. also, snow divider by the one and only rhy!!

Christmas music blared in the background as the sound of talking and laughter filled the living room, giving everyone a warm and comfortable feeling.

“Sorry not sorry.” “Baby?” Shinichiro gasped dramatically, only to be met with giggles from his girlfriend who just placed down a +2. “Good thing I’m lucky.” he smirked, placing another +2. 

“Fuck dude.” Wakasa cursed, peeking over at Benkei’s cards and confidently putting down yet another +2. “Well shit.” Benkei laughed, grabbing all the cards, only for Wakasa to raise an eyebrow and stare at Benkei, then at you and once again back at Benkei. 

“You really saved me there.” you sighed out in relief, you had nothing but useless cards in this case. “Did you really ju–” Wakasa opened his mouth to speak, only to be cut off by a cough and a quick glance, enough to keep him quiet.

“Well it’s your turn.” Benkei smiled, looking at all his new cards and the +4 card he had from the start. “He took the piss.” Wakasa mumbled under his breath. Everyone but you caught onto what he meant, yet Benkei didn’t care as he couldn’t keep his eyes off you, watching how you happily placed down your next card.

Before any of you realized, one round turned into several rounds and many drinks and midnight was nearing, the time to go home arriving slowly but surely.

“I should get going.” you announced, getting up after the last round was done. “I’ll walk you home.” Benkei suggested pretty much right after, being met with the guys snickering, failing to notice the faint blush on your face because of them. “You heard that Takeomi?” Wakasa laughed, clearly having had one too many drinks. 

“It’s fine, I’ll be okay.” you smiled yet you couldn’t nor did you try to fight back against Benkei who insisted. How could you do so when something inside of you was telling you to let him walk you home? You were a bit scared to walk home alone at nearly one AM and the thought of Benkei being with you made you feel safe and warm inside.

Benkei didn’t waste a second and went to put his jacket on, the guys teasing him like crazy as you said your goodbyes to Shinichiro’s girlfriend. “Dude shut up, she’ll notice.” Benkei warned them jokingly, not being able to help the smile plastered on his face.

“When will you two get together, it’s obvious.” Takeomi teased and it was like a slap to the face. “She doesn’t like me.” Benkei shrugged it off and he could nearly feel the way the guys rolled their eyes at him.

Are my feelings that obvious? He thought to himself, being convinced he hid them pretty well, not even realizing everyone around him already noticed. Maybe it was because the guys were so close to him that they noticed, they were like family to him after all.

Even with his feelings for you being this strong, he couldn’t risk what you guys have. Benkei had grown used to your company, more than he thought he ever would, especially considering you kept your distance from him at first, probably because of his tougher looking figure. But now he truly couldn’t imagine a life without you, even if it was just as friends. 

“I’m all done!” you spoke sweetly, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Let’s go then.” he smiled your way and the two of you made your way to the hall, failing to notice the decoration hanging above your heads.

“Not so fast.” Shinichiro smirked, proud of putting the decoration there if it meant setting you two up. “Really guys?” you laughed, looking at the mistletoe and then at Benkei, nervously swallowing your breath. 

“It’s bad luck if you refuse.” his girlfriend joined in, taunting you as the heat rose to your cheeks. “Uhm–” you started, still looking at Benkei who hadn’t said a word yet.

“Are you okay with this?” Benkei questioned, a hesitant tone lingered in his words and you nodded. “Yeah, it’s okay. Tradition am I right?” you laughed nervously. “But are you okay with it?” 

This time it was Benkei’s turn to nod and he leaned a bit closer, gently putting his big yet gentle hand on your cheek, fingers brushing over your cheek sweetly. The two of you leaned closer, lips now centimeters away from one another as you stood there awkwardly, scared you heard one another’s heartbeat from how fast your hearts were beating.

You felt his breath ghost over your lips and couldn’t help the quiet whine leaving your lips, your heart thumping in your chest once he finally pressed his lips on yours. Your lips sliding against one another smoothly while you felt like you were on cloud nine, carefully putting your hand on his chest and forgetting about the rest as it deepened. 

That was until you two got interrupted at the sound of whistles from your friends, quickly pulling back and snapping you back to your senses. You looked down nervously, hand still on his chest, embarrassed about the fact you got too caught up in it. You couldn’t help yourself, thinking it probably was the only time you could kiss him and slide it as friends, considering you weren’t going to tell him how you felt anytime soon.

“Get a room already you two.” Shinichiro teased, only for Benkei to mumble out a shut up, not noticing your flushed face from the kiss.

“Excuse us—“ he finally breaks the silence from you two, looking down at you. “Ready?”

You nod in answer, scared your voice will crack if you attempt to speak right now, still feeling his lips on yours while the both of you made your way out of the door after your final goodbyes, an awkward silence falling for a few seconds.

“I’m sorry.” Benkei is the first to break the silence and suddenly the midnight silence feels louder somehow. "It's alright.” you reassure him, not having it in you to look at him, not when you were this nervous. “It’s tradition, after all.” You laughed it off but truth to be told, you wanted it to be more than tradition, you needed it to be more, you’re not sure how much longer you could hide your feelings from him. 

Once again silence fell, yet this time around it was a peaceful one, one where you enjoyed each other’s company without saying a single word. You felt safe and all fuzzy inside, your mind still stuck on the kiss and how gentle he was. Imagining how much more gentle he could be if he was yours.

Much like you, Benkei was also lost in his thoughts, thinking about confessing to you and if he should take the risk before someone else took you away from him, even though you weren’t his yet. He opened his mouth to say something yet no words came out as he glanced at your hands a few times, debating if he should grab it and shrugging the thoughts off.

Lost in thoughts, you arrived home neither of you realizing that you were standing in front of your front door until you noticed the familiar streets, both of you disappointed that the walk was over.

“Thank you for walking me home, Keizo.” you smiled, unlocking the front door. “It’s– it’s no problem.” Benkei answered, the realization of you using his first name hitting mid sentence.

“Have a good night.” you laughed, not knowing where your boldness came from, his reaction making it worth it. “Yeah, have a good night.” Benkei smiled, watching you go inside to make sure you were safe before parting your ways, the two of you having the biggest smiles plastered on your faces as the night came to an end.

“Christmas wonders do happen huh?” Takeomi spoke, looking around at the white streets, his eyes landing on Benkei who was busy staring at you. “Easy big boy, she’s gonna notice.” Wakasa taunted, poking him with his elbow. 

“I think I’m gonna confess.” Benkei blurted out, making all the guys turn to him in shock. “HUH?!” Shinichiro joined in, turning all the attention to him. “Sorry Benkei threw a snowball at me.” he lied and you laughed, Benkei’s heart only beating faster.

He couldn’t keep his eyes off you, not when you were so happy with the snow, you looked the most beautiful when you were yourself, only making him fall harder.

Today had been a success overall, christmas went amazing, gifts were given, games were played, everyone had dinner and now everything was cleaned up, so it was time to relax and enjoy each other's company. Because nothing was better than relaxing and enjoying the company of your loved ones.

The only thing lacking was you, you weren’t his yet. Benkei knew it might be greedy but ever since the kiss, he was set on confessing to you. The way you kept using his first name, the way you seemed more comfortable and closer to him, gave him the hint of hope that you might feel the same and his feelings were only growing stronger with each passing day.

“Did you drink?” Shinichiro asked jokingly and Benkei shook his head no. “I can’t let her slip away.” he answered, a bittersweet smile plastered on his face.

To say he was nervous was an understatement, still what he said was true, he couldn’t let you slip away, not like this, not without trying. 

“Go for it.” Takeomi patted his back, the guys being the moral support he needed, cheering him on and being happy for their friend. Knowing that it was mutual from the way you two acted around one another, all that had to be done was one of you stepping out of your comfort zone. 

“Babe, can you help with this?” Shinichiro questioned, dragging the guys inside with him, hoping she got the hint. “Yeah sure, I’ll be back.” she smiled, giving you a cheeky grin before walking inside with the guys, leaving the two of you alone.

“Can we talk about something?” Benkei started, swallowing a breath nervously once you realized you were alone. “Sure, is everything okay..?” you asked hesitantly, walking up to him, not having a single clue on what’s going on. 

“It’s a little hard to say but–” he paused nervously, suddenly looking everywhere but your eyes as you stood there, letting him talk while you listened to what he had to say. “I just wanted to get this off my chest before anyone else goes before me, please don’t feel obligated to do anything in return.” he laughed awkwardly, taking another deep breath.

“I like you, I have for quite a while now.” Benkei confessed, finally locking his eyes with you, the hesitation and nervousness clear in his tone, the silence not making it easier for him.

“You do?” you finally spoke and Benkei nodded, being prepared for the worst. “For how long?” you questioned, feeling the butterflies in your chest, not being able to fight back the smile on your face.

“Not much after Shinichiro introduced you to us.” Benkei confessed, taking you back by shock. “That long?” you gasped, not believing how well he hid it for this long, or well how blind you’ve been all along. 

“Yeah, I just wanted to get it off my chest, sorry.” he laughed, feeling like a heavy weight was off his shoulders. “Keizo, I like you too.” you told him and it took a moment before the words registered.

“Huh?” Benkei mumbled in shock and you nodded this time. “Okay I did not expect that.” he confesses, only for you to slap him playfully. “Would you like to be my girlfriend?” he asked and you smiled happily, wrapping your arms around him. “Of course I would.”

“Can I kiss you?” Benkei questioned sweetly, cupping your face gently. “It’s nothing you haven’t done before.” you taunted, taking the initiative as you closed the gap between the two of you.

The kiss deepened as you wrapped your arms around him, your heartbeats racing while you melted in each other's touch, forgetting about the world around you, not noticing the guys spying on you two.

“Yet another Christmas wonder huh?” Shinichiro broke the silence, making you pull back in embarrassment, a string of saliva connecting the two of you as you rested your forehead against his. “Oh shut up.” Benkei mumbled, a big smile plastered on his face as he held you close.

“Woah sorry lovebirds.” he taunted, making everyone burst out in laughter as you all made your way back inside.

“Fuck…” Benkei groaned, his big figure hovered over you, chest moving up and down from his unsteady breathing. “What’s wrong big boy?” you taunted, hands wrapped around him. “You’re driving me wild.” he laughed, leaning in and pecking your lips, moving down from your jawline to your neck.

It might’ve been fast but neither of you could help it, not when you held your feelings back for so long. A few more games with your friends and a bunch of teasing led you two here, in the guest bedroom, not being able to keep your hands to yourselves. It was like all the feelings bursted out in one go and nothing could stop you.

“Are you sure about this?” Benkei questioned, his big rough hands roaming over your body with gentle touches. “Mhm, I’m all yours Keizo.” you reassured him, relaxing under his touch. 

A few more kisses quickly led to your clothes being discarded on the bedroom floor somewhere, the tension rising in the air. “You’re so fucking beautiful.” Benkei complimented you, being in awe at the sight in front of him, gazing down at you lovingly.

“Oh shut up.” you mumbled, a little flustered by his complement, being at your most vulnerable not helping the situation. “I can’t believe you’re actually mine.” he smiled, hands on your sides as he pulled you in a heated and desperate kiss, cock twitching when you whined against his lips.

Your nails digged slightly scratched his back, his tongue tracing your lips as you opened your mouth, deepening the kiss. His big hands explored your body, moving up your inner thigh, ghosting over your slit and groaning into the kiss once he felt how wet you were.

Slowly he slid one finger in, biting your lip at the warmth, not knowing how much he could hold back before sliding it in, already being at his limit. You moved against his touch, yearning for more, moaning against his lips when he added two more, scissoring them inside of you.

“Keizo, please. I can take it.” you whined breathlessly, yearning for more, wanting all of him. “Are you sure, my love?” he checked, not even realizing the nickname that slipped past his lips because it felt so natural. 

“Please, I can take all of you.” you begged, it was like you were taunting his self control on purpose and hissed, pulling his fingers out, being met with a needy whimper from you. 

It would be a lie to say that his size didn’t scare you, he was big but fuck, you needed him desperately. Benkei spit on his cock, giving it a few strokes before lining up with your entrance, already ready to burst at any given moment.

“Tell me if it’s too much alright?” he soothed, slowly pushing it in inch by inch, making you feel all of him. “S-Shit.” you hissed, holding onto him. The stretch being slightly uncomfortable still it turned you on even more.

“You okay?” he asked, a hint of worry lingered in his tone as he gave you a bit to get adjusted to his size. “Mhm, you can move.” you reassured him, pecking his lips sweetly as you looked him into his eyes.

“Just tell me if it’s t-too much okay?” Benkei pleaded, slowly starting to move as his hand rested on your side, groaning at the feeling. “Holy shit.” you gasped, somehow feeling even fuller as he moved.

To say Benkei was scared to hurt you was an understatement, he was trying his best to hold back. He knew he was huge and much stronger compared to you and the last thing he wanted to do was to hurt you in any way possible. 

“You’re taking me so well my love.” Benkei praised you, setting a deep and sensual pace. The praise went straight to your core as you clenched around him. “ ‘s so big.” you mewled, nails digging into his back as he picked up the pace, tip kissing your sweet spot. Leaving you moaning his name loudly while forgetting about the others and clamping down on him once more.

“Shit, don’t do that.” Benkei groaned, voice cracking mid sentence as his hips stuttered, releasing embarrassingly fast from the way you made him feel and from all his pent up feelings. “S-Sorry.” he mumbled, nuzzling his face in your neck, hiding from shame.

“Did you just cum?” you chuckled, holding the much bigger man in your arms as he continued moving. “Yeah…” he mumbled, placing kisses on your neck as his hands roamed your body, too embarrassed to look at you.

“It’s okay, bear.” you reassured him, closing your eyes as you allowed yourself to get lost in pleasure. 

“You’re just making me feel too good.” he murmured, looking at you again, lips being inches away from you as you felt his breath ghosts over yours. “Hi.” you smiled, being pulled in a heated kiss after.

You melted under his touch, he powered over you so easily, he could both protect you and break you if you taunted him enough. Everything made you feel so good and left your thoughts running, his big hands, big cock, huge figure on top of you and his skillful moves, it was all you ever dreamed off and even more, wanting to make up for all the lost years.

“Just like that.” Benkei praised you, unsteady breathing from the two of you as he watched how easily he slid in and out of you. Making the urge of wanting to fuck you dumb grow , he had held back for so long, so it was hard to still do the same after getting a taste. “Taking me so well, good girl.” 

“Mhm— more.” you pleaded, bucking your hips up to meet his thrusts halfway, a choked moan leaving your lips once he slightly pushed down on your lower stomach, giving you a new wave of pleasure.

“Easy my love, I’m not going anywhere.” he whispered, grabbing your hips to make you slow down in your movements. “I’m right here.” he murmured, kissing your forehead as his hand moved down to rub your clit while he thrusted at a sensual pace. The sounds of skin slapping against each other echoed in the room together with the needy whines & groans and the sound of the guest bed creaking, you couldn’t bother to be quiet, not when it felt this good.

“Right there.” you cried out, legs trembling as he kissed your sweet spot, feeling like you were intoxicated on lust and his touch. Benkei rolled his hips into yours, grinding against you as you met halfway. “Just like that, easy.” 

“So good—“ you mumbled, lost in pleasure as you felt that familiar knot in your stomach, not wanting this to end. “‘m close.” you warned him, breath hitching as you grabbed onto his biceps, pussy throbbing around him. 

“Good girl.” Benkei praised you for warning him, teasingly pulling out until just the tip remained, pecking your lips sweetly as he slowly pushed it back in, making you feel all of him, a low groan falling from his lips as a choked moan escaped yours.

“Keizo!” you cried out, feeling like your nerves were on fire as he added more pressure onto your clit. “That’s it, you’re almost there.” he murmured, picking up his pace, guiding you towards your high.

“Go ahead, cum for me my love.” he murmured, cursing under his breath as you released around him. Not slowing down on his movements and helping you through your high, planting sweet kisses on your face.

“H-Holy shit.” you breathed out, slowly coming down from your it as Benkei still was soothed inside of you, looking down at you with loving eyes.

“You did so well for me.” he smiled, pecking your lips sweetly, ignoring the fact that he was still hard and had enough energy to go again. “We should’ve confessed earlier.” you chuckled, holding him close to you, still floating somewhere on cloud nine.

“Sorry I wanted it to be more special, I just couldn’t help myself.” Benkei apologized, feeling bad that your first time together went so fast and wasn’t planned, regardless of his cock still throbbing inside of you, making you giggle. “I think we both waited long enough haven’t we?” you pecked his lips softly, wrapping your legs around him, a whimper leaving your lips from how sensitive you were. “You seem like you’re ready to go again.” you murmured, hinting to the hard-on still buried inside of you. “Plus we have to catch up on all the time we missed, don’t we bear?”

networks: @enchantedforest-network @themovingcastlez

[lavenoon]

hi so I am extremely soft for Sun basically being all-hands-on-deck for assisting Y/N with outfits, Moon wanting Y/N to be comfortable, and Eclipse being all here for nice textures

how would the boys react to Y/N asking them (independently) to help them put together an outfit (something complicated that needs an extra pair of hands with buttons/zips). can be pre/post-reveal depending on desired fluff content - @clxckwork-sun-n-moon

(:

Pre-reveal: Sun: Flattered beyond compare - them asking means they trust his judgement enough to put their outfit in his hands! For a peacock like him, who's job is reliant on looking the part, that's a big thing. There's also, uh, the thing about having to go up into their room, their private space, to maybe survey what they have? The thought will fluster him enough to fumble, and ask if they have a few things in mind already, and ends up moving the fashion show downstairs. Just take anything that could come in handy to the living room, he can work with that! Would love to take his time and invite them to a shopping trip, but feels like that might just be too much and sticks with what's available. Will however gladly offer to lend things to them - perhaps a specific tie would match better, or a certain set of cufflinks... Very gentle, but focused while working with buttons and zippers. He takes pride in being asked, so he won't risk damaging anything or hurting them by getting distracted. By the time he's finished the bitter pang of knowing this outfit isn't for him comes back to punch him square in the face, and he's lucky he's always smiling because otherwise it would be hard to keep up. Y/N doesn't miss the way his expression twists, and can't quite make sense of it before he leaves with a quick, but genuine compliment.

Moon: So you have chosen violence. Given that this is reverse coded, you have the shy boy, who is awkward af around the nice landlord already, who has no clue about fashion as his only focus is "dark color scheme and good to move in." He near panics, but agrees to help in any capacity he can - then follows Y/N into their home while just listing off disclaimers about how he's really not that knowledgeable and doesn't know what he's doing with outfits half the time, but if they're really sure - Ends up being the one giving the least "advice" because Y/N could try on anything and he'd say they look great, with that earnest expression that just makes it impossible to be mad about it. Y/N can try the process of elimination, and he does a lot better answering "this or that" questions. The living room ends up a mess by the time he's actually starting to help, almost hesitant to make contact. His gaze keeps flitting up to their eyes, checking in with them if things are still okay and he's good to continue. Ends up losing his anxiety by the end of it, giving them a couple earnest compliments. But once he's out the door and back alone he realizes that's it, that was his role in this and that's what it'll always be, and that does sting a good bit.

Post-reveal: Sun: And here you have chosen death. No longer concerned about propriety and overstepping, because now boundaries are all in the open and secrets no longer exist, he's very eager to show Y/N the full extent of his knowledge. Will no longer be too shy to go into their room, either, and Y/N will have some mild regrets over him judging what they have available. Will also be much less coy about sharing his own wardrobe, and given that he wasn't shy about it before there's just a lot waiting for Y/N. Will still be focused during the actual buttoning and zipping, but his touch will linger longer when he draws his fingers back down the line of clothing he just closed up. God help them when it's at their back - you know what you do when there's sudden pressure drawn down your back? You arch into it, and Sun is living for it when Y/N just moves with his hand, maybe eliciting a small gasp... "There, all set" - and his grin is entirely too innocent when they turn to glare at him. Maybe missing the touch already, which is exactly what he intended <3

Moon: A little less violence, good for him. Given the lack of secrets Moon is much more comfortable explaining that his sense of fashion is very much just "I need to work in it and not get killed by Sun if he happens to switch into it" which will make Y/N laugh and set the tone for the rest of the little fitting. He'll be much more of a menace, pretending to contemplate and at times even impersonating Sun and trying to mimic his speech patterns just to make Y/N crack up as they hold different shirts in front of their body. But when he asks them to "Come here?" with that gentle smile, they don't even hesitate for a second. He's much more confident, maybe even letting out an appreciative hum as he works the buttons/ zippers. Of course, he'll want to look at his handiwork, and helps them turn with his hands on their sides, before grinning like a Cheshire cat and asking if they'll need help getting out of it later, too? Earns him another laugh and a playful smack to the face, but he only laughs too knowing that he will get to help them get comfortable after, too <3

Eclipse: (though not for AU!Y/N, and more a s/o) Eclipse: Oh, he wants to have fun with this! He'd love to start from scratch, and start it all off with a shopping trip to just look around! If the energy is there, he'd love to go to multiple stores and compare, mixing and matching whatever you like, and looking for accessories in the same go! (or another go. multiple trips is also fun, he just gets excited! online shopping he's also definitely open for, if that's more comfortable - he just likes the added bonus of exploration) The actual putting on he'll be quieter, but still giddy. Torn between reverent staring, excited noises and hand clapping, and actually helping, he's a bit of a scatterbrain about it, but it's okay! Just take enough time to get ready! Very, very careful and gentle with any buttons or zippers - he doesn't want to pinch you, or break anything, and animatronics are strong enough for a mindless little tug to end with a loose button or damaged zipper. With four hands he's got a good advantage though, and two can take care of buttons and zippers, while two can hold the rest of the fabric in place. If that happens by having his hands rest on your shoulders, sides, hips, or even all of the above depending on where he's currently zipping/ buttoning, that's between him and you! Will shower you in compliments as soon as he's done, before quietly asking if you like it, too - because he knows that's the most important part, and if he hasn't helped you before and/ or you have very different tastes in fashion, he'll want to check in that everything went well and you're satisfied! <3

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I’m a 22 year old INFP in college. I’m at a point where I am deeply unhappy with my position in life, and I’d like your advice for how I should proceed. I want to change so badly and have been trying for so long, but somehow my efforts seem to never amount to any substantial change. I’m really sorry, this is going to be long and contain a lot of backstory. I have a lot of respect for you and have been reading your blog for years, and you seem incredibly wise; however I understand if you do not have the time to answer this. But if so, I appreciate it more than anything.

I come from an extremely dysfunctional family, whom I still live with. My mother is truly a narcissist, and I believe she’s an xSFP. She’s extremely dysfunctional and can hardly handle herself let alone her children. She has extreme nonconformist opinions (anti-vax, total disregard of modern medicine, arranged marriages, etc) and has instilled so much self-hatred into me. She cannot handle anyone who thinks differently from her. She blames me, my dad, and my younger brother for everything wrong with our household. For the past few days she’s been especially horrible, constantly berating me and calling me a failure. She’s extremely toxic but believes herself to be a saint.

My father is an ISFJ who is a total enabler. He suffers at the hand of my mother too yet will throw us under the bus whenever and never stick up for me or my siblings, even though he too gets treated horribly. I believe if he married a better woman he would’ve been salvageable, as he seems to just adapt to my mom’s views, although he gets so much shit from her too.

I don’t think I’ve experienced genuine love from my parents, ever. They’ve always wanted me to be something I’m not. They never approved of my interests (arts, humanities) or valued my opinions. When I was 17 they discovered that I was self-harming regularly, and instead of helping me, my mother shamed me for months and called me evil, a child of the devil. My father cried and asked me, how could you do this? What did we do wrong for you to end up like this?

I have a whole lot of pain in my heart. I’ve worked on myself to the point where I, when needed, can speak relatively objectively about who I am and my strengths. I no longer self-harm. But in my darkest moments, I have completely adapted the label of “evil” and beat myself up over it.

Despite being 22, I do not have my driver’s license. I’ve had my permit since I was 16, but cannot legally drive on my own. I think I could pass the test if I practiced more. However, that would require spending time with my mother, who’s temper stresses me out to no end while on the road. Its because of this that I’ve put it off for so long. I am too unwilling and fragile to deliberately put myself in a situation where I know I will get yelled at and degraded.

Despite being 22, I am not allowed to dress in anything “revealing”, nor get my nails or eyelashes done, I am not allowed to drink, I am not allowed to date, I have a curfew, and I am not allowed to move out.

A few months ago, I tried to take control of my life. Despite all of my misfortune, I am lucky enough to have a lot of genuine friends who care for me. My best friend and I decided to move out together. We leased a place, made payments, and started packing our bags. Right before our plan to move officially, without even knowing, my parents decided to go on an impromptu road trip to our hometown. I decided not to tell them until we were driving back from the trip… huge mistake. I was mentally tortured for the entire drive back (3 days). They degraded me to no end, guilt tripped me, cried, acted like I had murdered someone. My mom even accused me of being a lesbian for moving in with another girl, which is not only disgustingly homophobic, but also makes no sense!!! At one point my mom screamed so loudly and banged on the car door in anger while my father was driving, and he ended up pulling over on the highway. She blamed me and basically said if we died it would be my fault. Scared me and my younger siblings shitless.

In the end, it was more trouble than worth. Me and my friend called it off easily, having not signed a real lease and only giving a verbal agreement. We paid the rest of the month off and continued to live at home. I had felt like such a failure. I didn’t have a job or anything, but I was so confident that after moving out and being away from all the horrible shit at home that I’d be able to get ahold of my life, develop good habits, and become my own person… but my dreams of independence and freedom were ultimately crushed, and I remain in jail.

Because of that same trip and failure to move out, I became even more depressed. My parents had overstayed by almost a week despite my protests and their apparent dream of me doing well in school, and the school work and feelings were so overwhelming that I dropped almost all of my classes that semester. They don’t know of course, I’d be dead.

I truly wish I could get my life together, learn to love myself, and move so far away from them. I never want to speak to them again, as cruel as that is. They want to marry me off one day. I can’t handle it. But I have no money, no car, I’m struggling in school… I am always thinking about how I can improve or turn things around, and I always take one step forward and then fall 5 steps behind. I hate my body, I hate my incompetence, and I hate my life. I’ve been trying for so long, reading, writing, thinking, yet I can’t seem to get anywhere.

And then there is the matter of my little siblings. 17 and 8 years old. My younger brother (17) told me during that trip that if I moved out he would kill himself because he wouldn’t be able to handle them on his own or deal with them potentially getting even stricter once I left. It made me so sick, that I wanted to throw up. Luckily, he is most likely moving away for college next year after he graduates… which they are okay with, because he is a boy I suppose. My baby sister is a trooper and understood why I wanted to move out and even pretended to be on my mother’s side. However, when I tried, my mom said she would forbid us from talking because I am a horrible influence. The thought of abandoning her with mother makes me want to cry. I thought that maybe I would secretly buy her a phone before I move out and let her keep it a secret to talk to me with. But if me moving away and living my life the way i want to made her life worse, I dont know how I’d forgive myself or make up for it.

But either way, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to move out. I hate my body and my bad habits. I try to get clean and become healthier all the time but I can’t stick with it. Something always happens with my mother having an episode and it depresses me to no end and I lose it, try again, lose it. Then with driving. I keep thinking I’ll get my license soon. I never have motivation to practice with her. I need to be able to take my self places to get a job. And even if I do get a job, I know based on my old ones that the stress of home life, my self esteem, and fragility will make it so hard to hold down a job without breaking down constantly or just giving up. And then there’s school. I want to be educated and do well so badly, but it’s so hard with how things are. What should I do? How can I change? I want to escape this nightmare and live for myself more than anything. I want to be content with who I am and comfortable in my body and in my life decisions. I want to be able to voice my opinions and follow my values without being punished, stifled, or suffocated. If I don’t figure out things soon, I fear everything will come crumbling down and the life I long for will never be realized. I promise I try to be positive and appreciative of what I do try. I try to do things that will make me happier and take steps towards a better life. I try to deconstruct my mind so that I don’t fuss over everything and accept even horrible things as they are… But I always get shot down. It always becomes too much, and my progress always becomes undone. It’s like I’m trapped and can’t get out. All I want is the basic right to be myself, unapologetically.

----------------------

You are a young adult and it's an important aspect of young adulthood to establish an independent mindset. I believe you have it already, but your environment is not allowing you to express it fully. This is not your fault, so there is no reason to blame yourself for it.

Blame is a distraction, and it can even lead to problems like self-harm. Blame keeps you hyperfocused on the negative aspects of situations, which drains the precious mental energy you need for moving forward in positive directions. The sooner you can let go of your blaming mindset, the better you will feel and the more rational your thinking will be when tackling problems.

Remember: The blame you direct at yourself is an echo of your mother's way of blaming you. Do you want to internalize her negative attitude? If you truly have an independent mindset, you should be able to separate your own thoughts from someone else's. Where will you find the truth about you: her words or your heart?

With regard to confidence: Most people experience times in life when it seems that problems or obstacles are too big to surmount. The best approach is to break them down into very small steps and manageable goals (requires proper use of Si). By doing this, you allow yourself to feel a relatively continuous stream of small wins that gradually improve your self-confidence. Believing that you are capable is half the battle, isn't it?

With regard to motivation: You say you have good friends to support you and that's a great resource to draw from. Whenever you're feeling down, reach out for some emotional support. Whatever it is you're having difficulty with, get input or assistance from someone more knowledgeable than you. For example, is your mom the only person in the world who can help you with driving instruction? Getting encouragement and support at crucial stages of your path helps keep your motivation up.

Failing to achieve a goal doesn't make you a failure or a bad person. If you believe it does, you are still thinking like a child and it is yet another manifestation of an unhealthy blaming mindset. Failure is really an opportunity. It helps you learn new things. It helps you improve your knowledge and skills. It helps you find a better direction. What mistakes did you make last time? What do those mistakes tell you about how to do better next time? An important aspect of personal growth is learning how to turn failure into something educational, edifying, or valuable.

For INFPs, Ne development is necessary for learning how to be resourceful and making the best use of what you have, rather than always getting lost in thinking about what you don't have. You've spent a lot of words telling me how your situation sucks so that I can understand where you're coming from. But I wonder: What is good about your situation? What resources, both internal and external, are available to you? What's the best way to use those resources to achieve your goals?

[mikewheely]

Hate parades, ship wars, and memes aside, can we please talk about this scene for what it is?

Now, first of all, before my post gets misinterpreted in any way, I would like to clarify, that I am a hardcore Mileven fan, like, I am obsessed. But when it comes to individual characters, I am a very neutral, empathetic viewer, who likes to find reasons behind the actions and reactions of characters. Maybe that is why I am hardly able to hate any character because they don't think like I do or don't act the way I want them to.

I feel like this scene has been interpreted from all the wrong perspectives, but not much from the one it was supposed to be. Among all the hate against Mike, memes, jokes, and stupid questions, people have mostly overlooked how heartbreakingly beautiful this scene actually is. It's absolutely painful for both, Mike and Will.

You see Mike, who never actually expresses his insecurities and feelings as he is busy taking care of people he loves, for the first time reveals how scared he is that El would eventually lose interest in him because he is not good enough for her. That he just got lucky, and it was dumb luck that he found her in the woods, nothing more than that. Previously, we have only seen him worrying about her thinking that she would die while saving the rest of the world, leaving him alone and empty. But for the first time, we get to know that he has zero self-confidence and he thinks that he is not worthy of her love. And it kills him to think that El would grow emotionally distant from him and go away one day, and then he would have no idea how to live without her because he is just so much in love with her.

Then we see Will, who listens, very carefully to what Mike is saying, he sees the fear and pain in his eyes, and empathizes with him. He actually even senses that Mike was already upset before he shared what he felt. He understands and tries to assure him that El is always going to need him. Even when Mike compares himself with Lois Lane, and then says that was very stupid of him, Will goes, "No," which I felt was extremely sweet and kind of him to tell Mike that he is not stupid for being scared of losing El. He basically says out loud what Mike has a hard time expressing. Will does it for him.

In an attempt to provide some emotional support to Mike, Will finally gives him the painting. He reminds him that he is the leader, he is the heart of the party, it is he who holds the party together and without him, everything would fall apart. Even El, especially El. But this is also where things start getting heartbreaking for Will. Because he lies about the painting. He never says it was his choice to make this painting for Mike. He says it was El who commissioned it, she told him what to paint. Probably because he did not want Mike to have even a tiny amount of suspicion regarding Will's feelings for him.

We see Jonathan, who senses it, and most probably even knows that Will is lying because like El had said in the first episode in her letter to Mike, Will is painting something but he never shows it to anyone. So hearing Will say that El told him what to paint, was easy for Jonathan to understand his brother was not saying the truth. And he guesses why he could be doing so.

Will also looks away from Mike to hide his feelings, and Jonathan notices that. He notices Will throughout and knows what is up with his brother. This is when Will starts speaking for El and himself, which is heart-wrenching. He starts getting teary-eyed, trying to suppress all his emotions. But Mike does not understand that Will is actually talking about himself too because he does not have any idea about this. It's simple.

However, Will manages to provide him some emotional support, and Mike feels somewhat relieved that someone understood his fears and insecurities. It's like a parallel of the 'crazy together' scene from Season 2, where Mike understands what Will was going through. And even though he is so heartbroken at the same time, he feels happy that he has managed to make Mike feel better.

Then he looks away and cries, as the rendition of The First Lie (ST2) and The First I Love You (ST3), this time named Being Different, plays in the background, which is again one heartbreakingly beautiful music. Go listen to it.

This is where many people start asking, "How did Mike not see that Will was crying?". Well, let me tell you it is easy for you to notice because it is being shown to you; because it is meant for the audience to notice. Mike has no clue that whatever Will said about EL, could make him CRY. He took it as merely his best friend providing him the emotional support he really needed. He was looking at the painting and thinking about these things. He does look at Will once after Will looks away, but he could not understand that he was crying. Because Will actually was trying his best to hide it, by putting his hand on his mouth so that no one gets to hear it. Now let me remind you what Jonathan said in Season 1. Will was good at hiding. He is good at hiding from monsters, hiding his true self, and hiding his feelings.

But his brother, looking at him through the rear-view mirror, notices it and his eyes fill with tears, as he further empathizes with Will.

The immaturity many people have shown in interpreting this scene, which was actually so simple, is ridiculous. They just went on to make this such a negative, toxic scene, when it was actually so so beautiful. A group of people blames Mike for not noticing or in general just not having the same feelings for Will. I don't know guys, maybe one day, hopefully, when you are emotionally mature and have moved far away from stupid things like these hate parades because things didn't play out the way you wanted them to in your imagination, you will understand that you cannot make people have the same feelings for you, that you may feel for them. It is a very common idea, a much-explored one, even in Stranger Things itself, I don't know why some people don't get it. Dustin had feelings for Max, but Max chose Lucas. Steve had, even has, feelings for Nancy even now, she chose Jonathan. Tammy Thompson could not stop staring at Steve, and Robin could not stop staring at her, which initially also happens with Vickie. See, it has been explored several times in the show. So I don't know why it is Mike who gets this much negative criticism for literally being in the same position as Max, Nancy, and Tammy. Like I said, you can't make people feel what you feel for them, it doesn't work like that. Just like you cannot blame Will for having feelings for Mike, you can't blame Mike for having the same feelings for someone else.

You also made some theories about how Jonathan hates Mike for this, which was actually never shown or even hinted at. But even if it wasn't shown or hinted at, I don't know, would he? He himself has been a part of a love triangle, he is sensitive and mature. I guess he understands the situation better than you. Maybe it is just your defense mechanism to cope with the fact that things did not play out the way you wanted them to.

I am not here to change anyone's opinion. I know I can't. But I just really wanted to appreciate such a beautiful scene as this.

[xshinx86]

15 Questions for Flo

Here now my little questionnaire about Flo ( which was requested by @bl-sims-anime 🥰😁) Thanks for tagging @bl-sims-anime and happy reading to all.😎

Hi, I'm Flo and I'm also called the Lucky Wolf. And now for the questions, I hope I can answer them well. Are you named after anyone? - No, I got my name from my parents. I also have a brother but currently I don't live with my family. I have to find my own and maybe I have now.

When was the last time you cried? - Uh, tough question. I think it was when my brother snatched the last schnitzel from under my nose. I think I was 11, so exactly I have no longer in mind. My brother likes to tease me, but he's a rather nice guy and never means anything bad.

Do you have any kids? - Me and children? No I don't have any, whether I want to have any is another question. I don't know how Tyson feels about it, but he doesn't have any children either. So that remains to be seen.

Do you use sarcasm? - No I am an honest and very dear wolf. Also in my family I have never experienced something like that. My mother said that we have to be good with the people, only then they are no longer afraid of us. But I know today that there is also a big difference among people. Are just not all the same and that's good.

What’s the first thing you notice about people? - They all smell different, I have already sniffed many smells but only the one from Tyson was the most interesting until now. I like his smell very much, it gives me a warm feeling and makes me happy.

What’s your eye color? - My eyes are amber, but I am alone in my family, my parents and my brother have light green and blue eyes.

Scary movies or happy endings? - I like happy endings better, but unfortunately I don't like TV. I have very sensitive hearing and the TV hurts my ears. We wolves have sensitive ears in general, but mine are especially so.

Any special talents? Special talents ? Talent? - Uiii that's a good question. As a wolf I have many abilities that can be seen as talents. For one, I am very fast, humans can not keep up with me once I am running. Then I also have a very fine sense of smell, I smell things that are several kilometers away. And my ears also hear much better than those of a human. And as a wolf there is something else that distinguishes me from humans. I am incredibly strong and have an extremely strong bite force. But I do not use this power, because I do not want to hurt anyone. So what would only do the wild wolves.

Where were you born? - I come from Moonwood Mill, but my family sent me away to become a real wolf. But it's not easy, because I don't want to be a real wolf and roam the woods in my form and tear sheep.

What are your hobbies? - Hmm I like to read and have a thing for sneakers, these are great for chewing.

Have any pets? - No, I don't have any pets. And if I would have one, then probably a dog. With this I could talk great because we speak almost the same language.

What sports do you play/have played? - I don't do sports because I'm so strong anyway and I don't want to get stronger.

How tall are you? - I'm 1.68m, which is small, but size doesn't matter. My father always said you have to have something in your head and act smart then you are one of the big ones.

Favorite subject in school? - Digging! I love digging, usually I find then always great things. Or the one or other sneaker that I had buried for a rainy day.

Dream Job? - I do not know yet what I want to become. Maybe veterinarian, because I like to help the animals.

If you want to know more about me, please have a look at my story. 😉

[ponett]

How do you properly balance working on a long term project and consuming and being up to date with current media? (Games, shows, etc) To me, it's really hard to take a weekend off from work to play a new game when the weekend is the only free days I have to do my project

i mean the answer is largely that working on slarpg IS my day job. i'm lucky enough that my patreon (and other odds and ends) have been juuuuust enough to cover my share of expenses in my household and leave me a little every month to buy a new game i was looking forward to or something. if i was living alone with no one to split expenses with and i had to have a separate day job or do commissions full-time... yeah, i don't really know how i'd manage it. slarpg would probably be a much smaller and less polished game if it was just a thing i was working on on the weekends

but also even with that in mind, i AM behind on a ton of stuff. keeping up with a tv show or a manga week to week isn't a big deal, sure. i always have personal time every day and on the weekends because i burn out extremely fucking hard when i try to force myself to work as much as possible. but my backlog of games i want to play after slarpg is out, particularly the longer ones, is huge. xenoblade 3, pokemon legends arceus, the live-a-live remake, eastward, the copies of disco elysium and the ff6 pixel remaster that have been languishing in my steam library, maybe elden ring if i decide i'm brave enough, ffxiv and its expansions which i keep promising anthony i'll get to... hell, there's shorter ones too like stray, norco, tunic, neon white, inscryption, freedom planet 2... and that's just the shit from the last year or two. i'll have my new releases that i know i have to buy and play asap, usually new entries in series i love like kirby or sonic or shovel knight, but the rest has been going on the ever-expanding backlog pile

but also my adhd brain is frequently like "you don't have three hours clear with a guarantee of no distractions so you might as well just not play any of this game at all. just keep refreshing twitter and tumblr." so that's. also a factor lol. as is not having the money to buy every game i want to play

if there's a tl;dr to this it's force yourself to have free time for hobbies instead of using all your free time to work on projects, because trying to be productive all the time will kill you. i know that's easier said than done sometimes, but still

[nahalism]

Hi! Do you sometimes catch yourself analyzing things too much, always getting really deep underneath and kind of ending up having too little room to actually be carefree and sort of experience life without the constant buzz of those thoughts, searches/analysis/seeking meanings/truths/lessons? Or do you find that’s it’s possible to + that you do best when you have both happening simultaneously? If the question doesn’t make sense let me know and I’ll rephrase it. Love& love

hey. i think i get what you mean but lmk if i didnt— i think im the type of person that ricochets between extremes in order to understand myself, the world, what balance means for me,,,, and then when i find the 'truth', or where that extreme has led me, i have a level of understanding about either me or the world that i can hone, either as an ideal to understand or one i can live up to/aspire to. — so there have been times where im in the kind of haze you described. over analysing, over thinking, isolating myself, getting deep into rabbit holes or theories about why what is what. but then i also swing to the other side of the pendulum and have times where im completely in my body, in my feelings, and in response to the world. im not over thinking, although im still hyper vigilant & it feels like im processing the world on drugs. its just in that moment, the need to understand, analyse and chew over the information on my own isnt there yet. something allows me to register everything in a more intuitive way? to where the 'buzz of thinking' still exists but its an energy i can ride rather than one thats stifling me or causing me to over question, over think, & ultimately doubt myself.

there are benefits and disadvantages to both ways of being. sometimes it feels good 'taking things lightly' and feeling unbound and i feel more social because of it. other times it feels good being alone so i can really process the world in the depth i want to without interruption or a need to discuss/debate what i feel. other times solitude and analysis feels overbearing, and the clarity feels stifling. theres all the concepts but they have nowhere to exist out of your head. their just a glass cage youve made for yourself & it can be lonely. that compared to the rush of action and freedom i feel in my 'non disciplined state' is horrible. buttt at my heart i am a serious person. i do like to consider and process and understand. so when i am in a more carefree space, i might have the freedom and the energy to express myself, but the energy is hard to harness or channel to anything thats not purely hedonistic or running off of the same impulsive energy as me. the key / balance here would be for me to channel the momentum of my energy in those moments toward goals/aims set when i am in the analytical, precise, clear space.

and so yeah the reason i explained it in such a drawn out way is that both the extremes help me understand and then actualise the middle ground thats right for me. unless a persons too uptight they may never have the reason / face the kind of discomfort that makes them understand the necessity of being happy go lucky. and if your never happy go lucky you may never understand the necessity of seriousness, or learn that there is a difference between being carefree, and being lackadaisical. vice versa. every experience especially the negative ones show and teach us things either about ourselves, what we need to keep doing, or change, to be where we want to be. deeper than that, sometimes your learning things, seeing things that you arent meant to understand now. they go in your rolodex/subconscious and pop out to save your life/tip you off to something when you least expect it.

dont let anxiety, over analysis, or anything rob you of your life, but trust your brain, trust body and trust your heart to be true mirrors for you. know that they are showing you and telling you things about your reality & that nothing shown is ever wasted. trust in ur journey bb. 🌟

feel free to dm me if u wanna chat. big love to u <33

[iminthetunnels]

Thank u for helping me, I’m gonna PayPal u for ur trouble. How do u know what natural things are safe in pregnancy and breastfeeding? Like herbs, Ayurvedic things, kratom etc. cause when you Google it Google just says ABSOLUTELY NOT to all of it but then when you read deeper into it it’s just because “it hasn’t been studied” by the FDA or some shit but I’m sure there’s ancestral knowledge but idk where to look to find that knowledge lol. Thank u again I wish u n ur son all the happiness and he’s so lucky to have you. I’ll log into my mommy blog at some point and send something off anon so you know I’m a real mom lol just on my side blog and lazy rn lol.

this is very sweet, but i am in a very good position rn, altho, i do keep extra money in my paypal &cash apps, so if anyone ever needs anything let me know!!!

i have been in the holistic field so a very long time! and have accumulated so much information along the way. i was heavily into Ayurveda before having sasha, and since then, everything has clicked. i use google, but i also use duckduckgo, and when i find medical pieces, i’ll finish reading and then go to the cited works from people down below, go to their profile and u can usually find other studies they’ve done, and medical papers they’ve published. it’s VERY hard to find information, easy to get discouraged and confused. this is why talking to other mamas is very important to me, u can message me off anon, and u can have my number too!!! i LOVE mama friends who want to explore this world with an open book!

i also have extreme maternal instinct. everything that has happened with my son, i feel my life has prepared me for this moment, and this moment alone. nothing makes as much sense to me as this moment im living in right now. everything i’ve done for my son has helped him out tremendously, i do believe he’d be worse off if i didn’t listen to my gut. my gut and brain are always guiding me and helping me! i feel so blessed and i know u feel it, too! every mama does:) i would love to talk to u off anon, i love making friends. u sound so wonderful and i can tell u wanna help ur baby and give him the best care possible<3

also, thank u so much<3

[bedazzlecunt]

wren, i know this is a somewhat personal question but have you ever felt unsafe or uncomfy when you went out all bimboesque? i'm a little scared of real life repercussions bc yes, while i do fantasize abt strangers taking advantage, i wouldn't want that to become a real, dangerous situation oof i hope u know what i mean. do you keep safe somehow? i'm sorry if this is too personal

omg no it's not too personal, and honestly i'm really grateful you asked. obviously this is a kink blog and i'm talking a lot about fantasy and fun and etc, but i really also love an excuse to talk seriously about it, especially since so much of the tumblr nsft community doesnt

the answer is yes, unfortunately. i'm lucky in that i live in a major city, where alt fashions are more common and turn less heads; it's not new york or anything, but i get way less shit than i did when i lived in Small Town USA. and it's a fucking shame that i sometimes feel like i have to compromise my style because men (and some non-men, but it's mostly men) can't behave. getting oggled or taken advantage of is sooo hot in theory, but in reality, that shit's just scary.

the thing is tho — at least in the major city i live in — i have gotten catcalled and whooped at nearly as much in long little house on the prairie style dresses as i have in miniskirts. the last time a man followed me anyplace i was in a knee-length selkie dress; not exactly the picture of sexy. this isn't to say that concerns about dressing too slutty aren't fair, but i want to emphasize that this shit is about men and their desire to punish folks who exist outside the 'appropriate' flavors of gender expression. it is not your fault or your clothe's fault if someone harasses, whether you're wearing a maxi dress with a high collar or god's shortest skirt. that's on the freak harassing you.

you have to navigate to what extent you're comfortable, and to what extent you're willing to compromise your style to avoid discomfort and stay safe. this is true of almost any alt-fashion, unfortunately. i'm extremely confident in myself and my style and hard to upset, so men catcalling or whatever neither bothers or scares me, but i still take some steps. i only go out in extra slutty fits when i'm with friends because i know men won't be as weird to me if i'm not alone, i stick to heavily populated areas when i am alone, and while i love to flirt and act ditzy and etc, if anybody starts crossing lines or getting too close, i abscond immediately. i also don't flirt with folks at bus stops or the like due to the risk that we'll then be stuck on a bus together and they'll know where my stop is and etc.

and like, this sucks! it fucking blows that i have to do this. but any person, especially fem ppl, who doesn't dress in a 'normal' way will have to navigate this until men learn to be normal. like i said, though; i turn more heads in a bimbo look, but in terms of actual harassment or shit, that often happens regardless of what i'm wearing, and i've luckily never been attacked or assaulted by a stranger. i wish i had a more coherent answer for you; something where i could say 'if you do xyz you'll be safe for sure' but that just doesn't exist. freaks will be freaks no matter how you look

this all being said — i will say that i get far more positive responses (particularly from women, lol) when i go out dressed to the slutty nines than i do negative, and overall it's fun and rewarding and a joy, or i wouldn't keep doing it. i get far more compliments than i do bad vibes, and i feel good. i don't want this answer to scare anyone out of a style they sincerely like. if you're just getting into it, just err on the side of caution at first while you feel out how your community reacts, and you can go from there.

[myimaginarywonderland]

I have thought about this when I was writing my message about F1:

How much has FE changed when it comes to marketing and attracting new fans? Because I think this is very interesting.

While Drive to Survive, Twitch etc. have brought a new wave of fans into F1, nothing like this has ever happened in FE.

Sure we had "And We Go Green" (amazing documentary) and many internal series from teams or even FE themselves telling the journey but never quiet something this big.

And I think it's interesting to consider.

Because we now have Extreme E as the best comparison. Another racing series that has climate goals and is based on sustainability. And immediately Extreme E had the marketing. Big drivers having teams there, big names to the teams and social media campaigns.

And it got me thinking.

Because FE is not only now a world championship but have had so many big names in the sport for years (Audi, Abt, BMW, Andretti, Mercedes, now McLaren etc.)

But FE for all everyone agrees has lost it's marketing.

They just dropped off. And it's not like the YouTube channel is getting worse or like the drivers are boring, hell I would argue that most aspects are improving.

We are getting new race tracks in new countries, on new continents even with more drivers and a very competitive field skill wise. The batteries last longer which means more action, top teams have been so close with championship being down to the last race even in 4 way battles.

So in all ways FE is improving and should get more attention.

But they in my opinion are going down the same path that F1 has been heading down for years.

It's just getting more and more inaccessible. There's no easy way to watch the races in some countries, the access keeps getting more limited and it's actually hard to find out how to watch.

I am lucky I am German because I can watch the English coverage for free practice sometimes but with ran taking over I know what and where to rely on.

I remember when FE used to have all the old races public and when I could watch on the YouTube channel with Jack Nicholl's loving anecdotes and Dario's interesting knowledge. And I get that with becoming a world series and stepping up to the level it is now maybe having everything like that isn't an option anymore although it should be because it would just be great to have that easy access. But the fact that there's no general coverage like that world wide somehow truly damaged it.

Because FE isn't big enough yet to rely on "local" coverage like F1 could.

The series has gotten big and everyone should be watching (because frankly the racing is more amazing than any race in F1 and way more unpredictable) but not everyone is because even F1 like Vettel who have spoken about sustainability seem to somehow still have a problem with it (which I can never understand.)

When you aren't recognised by other drivers and people still threat FE like a option for everyone that doesn't make it in F1 (as if that was even possible for everyone let alone everyone's dream) then a series can't expect countries to make the broadcasting easily available.

I have said it soo much already and everyone who watches FE will preach it to you, hell many indy etc. blogs will probably agree but here's just another reminder that F1 isn't the pinnacle of motorsport and the illusion that it's an ultimate goal is genuinely so infruariting (but that wasn't my point.)

So we all know the current situation but it actually makes me curious how FE has changed so let's dig into that a bit.

I can't find any explicit date but I know that they took down the races from YouTube in season 6 or shortly after as that was the first season I fully started watching live.

So, until then you could find all of free practice,race and also qualifying if I remember correctly on YouTube.

Now bear in mind that this was the season where we realised that next season Formula E would officially be a world championship. In my opinion it should have been one before that and I still consider every champion a WDC but that was the season we knew that next year we would have WDC.

And I think that pressure definitely meant that Formula E had to step up. Because now there was a weight added to the sport that hadn't been there before. So broadcasting deals were made more and more.

But I think with that and Mercedes especially came another shift entirely that for me altered the way FE was.

It was a seriousness that wasn't there before. Don't get me wrong, everyone took their job very seriously and I think FE has some of the most determined drivers.

But you also have to remember that so many people on that grid where there from the start.

I mean, DiGrassi like him or not, is a huge part of FE.

You had Sam who came there on a last hope, having no other racing series basically.

You had JEV (everyone probably knows by know how much I love JEV and how I could go on and on about his story so I will shut up.)

You had Buemi who like Daniel was there since day one.

You had Antonio and Robin who had over the years finally been able to show what they were made of.

You had Turvey, the most underrated driver of the grid.

You had Jerome, a deeply underrated driver.

You had Nico Prost and Bruno Senna who both had a name much to heavy in motorsport that they were expected to live up to.

But the thing is so many of the drivers where there since the beginning or joined early on and had not only seen the series but also each other grow and been there for each other.

I think there so many unique friendships and just general relationships (be it teammates etc.) in FE that you would not find anywhere else.

But with Mercedes and the WDC there was a seriousness, this heavy weight and new sense of competitiveness and once again the burden of being compared to F1.

Because of Nyck and Stoffel. The Mercedes F1 names. Drivers who were supposed to be the new Mercedes driver, drivers who so many want to see in F1 etc.

And then we were once again in season 1 where you had this RedBull reject who was showing so much talent expect this time they were clearly already seen as the best without even having to try.

I think that was a point where marketing truly changed for FE and it wasn't just for the inaccessibility that came.

It was for this need to show that FE was somehow worthy of this team with these drivers.

I think unknowingly, the entire paddock shifted and I think there's so much more to say to that which I want to spare you all but yeah.

I think FE has had a slow incoming change but season 6/7 was really when it truly hit.

But how did this all affect the marketing. I think know you have to talk about drive to survive because the way "Unplugged" was set up was clearly to mimic that.

But I think it's more than just YouTube. I think it's even in the commentating. There used to be more carefree things and I think for a while they tried to sound even more serious there for potential new fans. (Although I think this has become normal again and as someone who has the privilege of Daniel as a commentator there's such a casual feel.)

They wanted to look more professional, so they matched the website (which this season let's all just agree: The fucking graphic design was horrid. Where's my beloved FE font?)

But how has this affected fans? I think because FE has become more inaccessible there's definitely a watching difficulty. On the other hand I think FE over the last years has gained more fans than ever. And I think it's because FE has actually become a racing series option that is mentioned in the same breath as for example F1.

Now, I have said that while there is more stuff from FE it doesn't reach outside of it like a Drive to survive does for example.

So how has FE gained more fans?

And now I will bring an argument that I could also bring for F1 and would probably get shot by everyone for.

I think FE has indeed gained more fans because of this old hell site.

Let's be honest, you get instantly yelled at if you mention FE on Twitter.

But here you genuinely have fans putting so much of their time and resources to not only spreading awareness but also educating (or trying to at the very least) new fans about the series, the drivers etc.

And I think many younger fans once they have settled into F1 and gotten into motorracing also reach out and search for other series. An easy way of which is to look at F1 blogs you follow and see what else they might enjoy.

This was all a big ramble that probably lost the point somewhere along the way but here's my conclusion:

While FE's increasing accessibility is making it harder for fans, I think fans are actually a huge part of why the sport is gaining new followers. I think the marketing has been influenced a lot in season 6 and 7 but at the same time Tumblr combated the added seriousness and actually made the sport much more fun to check out.

[hummerhouse]

Domesticated animals

Let me rant for a moment here. As a country dweller, I experience many things that city folks do not. Most of those things are positive - no traffic, fresh air, space to move around, beautiful silence, etc.

However, there are of course the negatives such as having to drive an hour to get to the grocery store.  You learn to adapt.

One of those negatives is perpetrated by so called “pet owners”.  They are the reason for this rant.  If you are a responsible pet owner, you can shake your head in disgust along with me, because I’m gonna explain what has been upsetting me.

Dear irresponsible pet owner: Stop dropping your unwanted pets off in the country.  Stop driving 30, 40, 50 miles outside of the city and shoving your poor pets out of the car.  You are not “setting them free”, you are dooming them to a short life filled with extreme pain and hardship.

The dogs who are not immediately run over by a car slowly starve to death because they have no idea how to hunt.  Maybe they will be lucky enough to be accepted into a pack of wild dogs, but let me tell you - those packs don’t last long either. They inevitably go after cattle, sheep, horses, goats, pigs and are promptly shot by ranchers.

Dogs who get dumped off become food for wolves and cougars out where I live. They get sick, they get injured and they curl up in a pile of leaves to die, shivering and alone.  Keep that mental picture in your head the next time you think you’re doing something humane.

Cats suffer a lot of the same fates. If they are lucky (and young) a family of wild cats might take them in and show them how to stay warm in the winter.  Mostly they just get run over - I see dead cats on the road every damn day.

Feral cats attack them.  Feral cats will kill and eat your pet.  If the pet cat escapes, they are often badly injured - they lose an eye or suffer gashes that get infected.  Pet cats are eaten by wolves and cougars too, but they are also prey to falcons and hawks. I have seen a hawk carry off a kitten. I have seen the bits of fur and skin left behind after a wolf attack.

If they manage to adapt, they go after song birds in order to eat and even if they’re not hungry, they’ll kill birds just for sport.  Many of the abandoned pets aren’t fixed (spayed or neutered), so they start dropping kittens.  Those kittens become feral and the population grows.  It’s a vicious cycle.

Right now I am taking care of over a dozen such cats.  My neighbors and I call them “community cats” because we’ve taken it upon ourselves to feed them, give them fresh water and some kind of shelter.  We set out traps to catch them and spend our own money to have them spayed/neutered, and to get them at least a rabies vaccine.

We do this because we are much more kind-hearted than the people who dumped these animals. We understand what becomes of a domesticated pet who is no longer wanted. It is extremely painful to us to see an animal suffer.

For the love of all that is good - if you don’t want your pet any longer, make an effort to find them another home.  Or don’t get a pet in the first place if you aren’t sure you can make that lifetime commitment. Animals are not toys!

[creepypasta-archive]

Diary of a Killer

not by SOMEGUY123

The "not by" author tag is because it was miscredited on the wiki that salvaged the story but had no source

So, for those unaware, I keep a huge freaking graph with all the stories i accumulated in a terribly connected timeline of events, so i can check back and forth and place new stories on a singular timeline of canonicity. It's real fun i'll upload the current version sooner or later.

This story is a diary style one, allegedly written by Jeff himself and there's just So many things that break the timeline i've built, but also there's so much stupid crap i wish i could add (You'll see).

Primarily what's keepign this story non-canon is the very explicit timestamps, age, birthday and "years since the first kill" not matching all the others (not even time travel can fix this) or the way Jane's relation is described. Accidentally however it matches a very incredibly lucky pattern of stories where Jeff is a alcoholic for a very particular set of years (yes, this is documented on the timeline)

Oh, also there's a surprise cameo at the end

This is one pretty stupid

CW// Fetish mentions, sex mention, alcohol, murder Click below to read the original unedited story

On January 4th, 2009 there was a book found in an old abandoned house that was raided by swat team to try to take down Jeff the Killer, he wasn't there. The book was a diary kept by none other than Jeff the Killer. It has been kept top secret since, until now. I will record only the details I find important as that most of this diary just has random words about killing and sometimes just random markings. He seems to be depressed by the fact that he is alone. All of this helps us to see the world in the eyes of Jeff the Killer. These are the entries…

November 17th, 2007 I found this empty book lying in the street and I guess it's a good time to start keeping a diary if I am to be properly remembered. It has been six years since I became like this, my life has been interesting since then. I'll be turning nineteen in just a week, I'm no longer a kid. November 24th, 2007 Well, today is my birthday and I plan to drink a bottle of wine that I have been saving for a long time, I got it from my childhood home before I left. The wine bottle is from 1896, it was one of my family's greatest possessions and I think it's time to drink it. I'll bet it will taste amazing. November 25th, 2007 Now that I am becoming sober again, I think I can write now. That was the greatest thing I have ever drank in my life, I drank the entire bottle. I've been lonely lately. I hate being by myself, to be truthful. I still remember Jane, all I wanted to do was make her beautiful like I am. Oh Jane my love, why do you hate me so? Well, I guess I should go on my nightly rounds, now if I can only get this damn van to start up. January 1st, 2008 It's new years! My resolution is to kill more, obviously. Just last night I killed this one girl, she smashed a lamp over my back and I still think I have pieces of in me, fucking bitch. Now I have to go see if I can get the lamp shards out of my back.

January 30th, 2008 I don't know what it is, but I can't sleep. I can sleep fine without eyelids, but its just something is keeping me awake. I think it could be Jane, she wants to kill me, I want to make her love me. Sometimes I've wondered if I really should still be alive. Alcohol seems to be my only companion. I've been living in this van in this abandoned amusement park, I need a better place to stay, I need someone. March 12th, 2008 Well, at least one of my problems have been solved, I found an old abandoned house on top of a hill next to some woods, I should be fine here, my van is parked outside of it. The house is secluded, no one would expect to find me here, I've seen how they are looking for me. I am still lonely, I talk to myself and I'm going batshit insane. Why am I fucking feeling like this?! March 25th, 2008 Living up here has been extremely eventful. There was something in those woods, by the name of Slenderman, it nearly killed me and us fighting caught the woods on fire. Worst of all, I found my family's graves, in a graveyard next to the woods. I shouldn't feel bad but I still do. What's happening to me? April 1st, 2008 I love April Fool's, especially when I'm killing. Instead of go to sleep, I say April Fool's, ah, humor. It makes me smile. I killed a lot of people tonight, it's been fun. I'm glad I'm starting to feel like myself again, my badass self, Jeff. Well, I've pulled up to my next house, this one should be good. April 4th, 2008 As if either my prayers have been answered or death has come for my soul, Jane has written me and she knows where I am. Her letter was quite cute really, heres what it said: "Jeff, I know where you are and I will kill you. I have waited years for this and now, you will die, expect me soon Jeff, I hate you." She's adorable isn't she? April 5th, 2008 Jane should be here any day now, I'm nervous. I should fight her off so I can live but I also want to impress her. Jane, you have no clue how much I love you, you are beautiful on the inside, I still keep that note you wrote me, I've loved you ever since. I wanted you to kill with me, be beautiful just like me. What is wrong with me? Jane I have many fantasies about us that I wish to come true, they are very erotic. Jane, why won't you love me? April 9th, 2008 As angels come and go, same goes with Jane. She cut me up pretty good but I was able to scare her off. I do admit I tried some things with her, but I just wanted to make her love me. She accepted defeat and left but saying she'd come back again when I least expect it. Oh Jane, you make my heart melt. October 31st, 2008 It's my favorite holiday, Halloween! This is a day I can go out in public, because everyone thinks I'm just wearing a costume. There is a local Halloween party going on in my area for people around my age. I'll go in, have some fun, maybe hook up with some girls, then finish off by locking the doors and windows and burning the place down. Tonight will be the best! November 1st, 2008 Last night went just as I pictured it, people credited my "costume" many times, I think I could have gotten one girl pregnant, and I burned the entire place down and got away. Lately some images have been going around of a smiling dog, before my encounter with Slenderman, I would have thought it was fake. If this dog is real, that would be awesome having a dog like that. A companion who shares my love of smiling. November 17th, 2008 I've been writing in this thing for officially a year now and its not even half way full. Lately stuff as just been same as usual, lonely and killing, nothing special. So, I'm out of ideas what else to write.

November 18th, 2008 (Jeff is drunk in this entry and this is the best I could translate) Jane you are so fucking hot, I want to fuck you forever. Jane I love you so much, you are so sexy. I want to fuck you in a shower of blood and I want you to slash me with that knife some more as I let you smile forever too. Fuck me Jane, fuck me. November 19th, 2008 Damn I was drunk last night, I must have been fantasizing about Jane. As you can tell, I have some interesting fetishes. December 1st, 2008 Winter is here. I love winter. The cold feels good on my face. I honestly hate spending Christmas alone, it's unfair. I just wish someone was there to spend it with me, someone like Jane. I feel so lonely and sad. December 16th, 2008 I feel odd, something seems to be going around my house, I don't know what but I hear it just running around my house. It's honestly very weird. It's probably a damn coyote who strayed too far from it's pack because it always makes canine laughing sounds, but in a way, not like a coyote.

December 17th, 2008 I saw it, it was the Smile Dog. It looked at me with its beautiful smile, and also saw my smile. I want to tame this animal, I believe we can be the best of friends. I will watch for him and be ready. I will not spend Christmas alone. December 25th, 2008 It's Christmas and I'm not alone. I approached Smile Dog with some flesh I had from another kill and he took it, and we knew I would be this dog's proper owner. We are sitting at a warm fire. I got what I wanted for Christmas, a friend. Now if only Jane were here.

This was the last entry of the diary, Jeff's current location is unknown, I released this because I wanted you to know about who Jeff really was. He was a crazy killing psychopath, yes, but he still had a heart.

[taetaespeaches]

Miss Liv. Here’s a story time that will tie into one of the fics, I swear. I am a deeply insecure person and I’ve struggled with chronic anxiety my entire life. I have amazing friends and family who always try to make me feel loved, and I’m able to fake extreme girlboss energy in the corporate world, but at my core this is how I’ve always been. I haven’t dated anyone in two years, as I feel very paralysed by my mental health. While I do go and see a therapist on the regular (shout out to you Debbie, you’re the best ✨), my anxiety always spikes when I meet someone I actually care for, because I become incredibly insecure about not being my best self for them, which becomes far too overwhelming and I then conclude that it’s easier to be alone. Having said this though, this is no way to live long term. I crave to love and be loved, and I do still hold out hope that somewhere out there is someone that will know how to love me for me and everything that comes with that (even though it often times feels like that will never be the case), and hopefully by that time I will be in a space where I will know how to love them well and good and how they deserve to be loved.

So, why am I dumping all this on your page you may ask? It’s because I thought it was worth telling you that with all this in mind, I still choose you every single day is my absolute favourite piece of writing ever. I can’t put into words how much that fic and those words mean to me. It makes me cry everytime I read it, and my heart clenches everytime I read Jin say that on their hard days, that’s when choosing Poopsie is that much more intentional. Honestly Liv, the thought of someone just loving and understanding and supporting you that way? It gives me hope. And I’m sure I’m not the only one! I’m confident your writing helps others too, by giving them hope and love and all the good stuff you so eloquently fold into your fics.

Anywho, that was all I came here to say. Thank you thank you thank you. You have made this anon feel very very happy. Love you Liv 🤍

Oh love :( thank you so much for sharing this. I'm super proud of you for getting through each day while feeling so anxious, that is no easy task. (I also love the shoutout to Debbie lol good for you for seeing a therapist, love that you're taking care of yourself in that way!) But I completely understand what you mean, meeting people can be terrifying and I relate to an extent with worrying that you're not being the best version of yourself for the people you care for. I love that you have been able to hold out hope because I do think it's something worthy of hoping for. Try not to ever lose that hope! And I'm sure the love you have to offer is already enough- I understand how hard it can be to believe that sometimes but people would be lucky to be loved by you!

I am beyond flattered that you enjoyed that fic and I'm honored that you even read it in the first place. I'm so glad that it connected with you and I hope you know that you deserve to be loved in that way. You deserve to have someone choose to love you even on the hard days. I'm very happy that you've been able to receive some hope reading the fics, that means the world to me.

Thank you for sending this in, I really appreciate your sweet comments and I'm glad you shared all of this with me <3 love you, sweetheart! 🧡

[stardewlily]

Chapter Eighteen of My Everlasting Light

The final chapter of my Stardew Valley fan fiction about the relationship between Sebastian and my farmer, Lily. Thanks so much to everyone who has read my work so far, I notice and appreciate every like I receive! Please rest assured I have ideas for more stories, this is just the end of the main arc, not the end of Seb & Lily!

Synopsis: Their wedding day has finally arrived and emotions are running high

Cast: Original Female Character, Sebastian, Sam, Emily, Haley, Maru, Robin, Demetrius, Mayor Lewis, all other villagers mentioned

Contents: Established Relationship, Wedding, Family & Friendship Dynamics, Love, Romance, Bonding, Out of Control Soppiness, Emotional Sex, Happy Ending

Warnings: Sexual content (at the very end of the story, extremely mild and non-graphic, emphasis is heavily on the emotional connection, but I thought I'd better label it NSFW just to be on the safe side!)

Forever, With You

"You okay, bro?" Sam asked. Sebastian glanced distractedly at him, then the clock, then fidgeted with his tie for about the fortieth time, then looked at the clock again. "You look nervous as all hell."

The two were waiting in Sam's bedroom for the time when they would head out to the wedding venue. The rest of their families were chattering loudly in the living room and they had moved in here to try and assuage Sebastian's anxiety but Sam wasn't sure if it was working. He had seen his friend on edge before but this was a whole new level. He had spent what seemed like an age pacing back and forth, wringing his hands and, if he hadn't given up smoking, Sam was sure he would have gone through a whole pack by now.

Sebastian sank down on his friend's bed, put his head in his hands and let out a long, heartfelt sigh.

"I'm okay," he said softly. "Really, I am. I just… I can't believe it's actually happening." He looked up and Sam was shocked to see tears glistening in his eyes. "I'm so happy. I never thought in a million years that anything like this would happen to me. I'm going to marry Lily. She's going to be my wife. How did I get this lucky, Sam? Is this really happening?"

He started to cry then, seeming almost surprised by his own tears. Sam let out a sigh of his own and sat down on the bed next to him. He'd known Seb since they were both kids and loved him like a brother. He knew how much he'd suffered, how lost and alone he'd felt for most of his life, and he also knew that right now these tears were probably the best thing that had ever happened to him.

He put an awkward arm around his friend. "Yeah, dude, it's really happening. You've finally found where you belong."

Sebastian let out a sob and the two of them sat together in companionable silence, even Sam knowing that sometimes words just weren't necessary anymore.

"I swear to Yoba, Lily," Haley declared. "If you don't wear some make-up on your wedding day I'm going to have to burn your farm down or something!"

"Haley!" Emily looked shocked and then frowned and folded her arms. "Except for the farm burning I am actually on my sister's side this time. Lily, you just have to do this for your wedding day, I think it's actually the law!"

"They're right!" Maru exclaimed, pointing at her face. "Look at me, I'm a science geek and even I'm wearing lipstick!"

Lily looked at her bridesmaids and then threw up her hands in surrender. "Okay, okay, for the sake of peace. But only a little!" She felt so nervous that she really didn't want to fight with them on this. Besides which, they had all done so much for her today, getting her through the morning when her anxiety had threatened to completely cripple her, helping her into her dress, arranging her hair so beautifully, how could she deny them this one last thing?

"Oh, wonderful!" Haley clapped her hands together. "I'll just go get my stuff! Maru, come help me look for that eyeshadow set, I think you had it last."

Emily and Lily watched as the two girls headed off to Haley's room. When the door closed behind them Emily laid a hand on Lily's shoulder and looked at her in the mirror.

"How are you doing, hun?" she asked. "Now that they've gone, you can tell me the truth."

"Oh, Em," Lily's face crumpled and tears started to fall. "I'm so nervous I can't stand it! I'm afraid of all the people that are going to be there, of being the centre of attention, that I'm not going to look right, that I'll make a fool of myself, that…"

"Hey, shush now," Emily spun the chair her friend was sitting in around, knelt down and gathered her into her arms. "Now stop all that, shush." She patted her softly on the back. "You look beautiful and you are going to be just fine. Why don't you tell me what this day is really all about, hmm? Why don't you tell me what you want more than anything right now?"

"I want Seb!" Lily wailed. "I want my Sebby, I want to be in his arms right now. I love him so much!"

"That's right, Lily," Emily gently stroked her hair. "That's what you want and that's what this day is all about. It's about you and Seb. All you need to worry about is being with him, okay? Keep your heart focused on that and everything else will flow perfectly because that's how love works."

Haley and Maru returned at that moment, make-up bags in hand, chattering brightly, then stopped and gazed in confusion at the sobbing bride. Emily waved a meaningful hand in their direction and for once, the normally exuberant girls immediately understood and sat down beside the two of them, adding their own quiet, comforting arms to the mix.

"Mom, if you make my tie any tighter you're gonna choke me!" Sebastian exclaimed as his mother fussed over his shirt collar. "You know I'm just going to loosen it again the moment you leave."

"Oh, I know, Sebby," his mom lifted a hand to her face to wipe away a tear. "I'm sorry, you just look so handsome. Oh… my little Sebby… getting married..."

"Now, now, come on dear," Demetrius caught her by the shoulders and started to lead her away. "You need to take your seat, the ceremony will be starting soon."

"I know, I'm coming!" Robin flapped a hand at him and turned to her son one last time. "I'm so proud of you, Sebby, and so happy for you and Lily," she whispered before finally letting her husband lead her off to her seat.

Sebastian stared after them, hand absent mindedly going to his tie and loosening the knot his mother had made. It was true, it would be starting soon, everyone was in place, the rows of seats filled with all the villagers, his parents and Lily's mom at the front, everyone else arrayed behind. There was Jodi with Vincent squirming in his chair next to her, looking extremely uncomfortable in his child sized suit. Pierre and Caroline sat sedately next to a grinning Abigail who was dressed in her usual purple and black and waving at him wildly before giving him her signature piercing wolf whistle. He wasn't entirely sure it was appropriate behaviour for a wedding but he was glad to see her nevertheless.

The older bachelors, Gus, Harvey and Willy were all grouped together, big smiles on their faces, Penny sat next to her mother Pam, who, for once, appeared to be sober and Elliott and Leah were together as usual. Marni and Shane were trying to coral an excited Jas, who was running around wildly exclaiming how she wanted a wedding of her own while the Mulners had taken an entire row to themselves, several chairs having been moved aside for the ever cantankerous George and his wheelchair. Clint, Gunther and Marlon were sitting in solitary seats at the back and even Linus was there, looking particularly nervous in a tweed suit he had borrowed just for the occasion.

Lily had wanted to get married as soon as possible after he proposed and so they'd arranged a fall wedding in the open air of the forest clearing where the flower dance was usually held. A rose covered wooden arbour arched over the altar where Mayor Lewis stood waiting to start the ceremony, ribbons fluttered everywhere and red, golden and orange flowers lined the aisle, all thanks to Evelyn and Caroline, who had both pitched in to make things as beautiful as possible. The nearby trees were fiery with their autumnal coats, falling leaves drifting lazily in the cool breeze and buffet tables were arranged around the edges of the field, little tables and chairs set ready for people to eat and talk at once the ceremony was over.

"How you feeling now, dude?" Sam asked into the noisy chatter of the assembled villagers.

Sebastian looked at his best man, standing solid and beaming as always by his side. He felt a surge of gratitude for his friend, who had gone above and beyond the call of duty in supporting him and helping him arrange all of this.

"I'm okay." He looked up and around at everything, the sea of faces, the flowers, the swirling leaves.

Now was the time. Now was the moment he'd been waiting for. He closed his eyes and sighed.

"I'm actually feeling okay."

"That's good, bro, because here she comes."

A hush finally descended on the gathering and then a sweet little swell of piano music sounded in the air. It was one of the songs he'd written for Lily, soft and lilting, she'd chosen it to walk down the aisle to because she said it always calmed her down, just like he did.

And then he saw her, walking alongside her smiling friend Emily, who she had chosen to give her away in place of her father. The blue haired girl had donned a suit for the occasion and Haley and Maru, wearing simple rust coloured bridesmaid's dresses, trailed behind them, small baskets of flowers held in their hands. But it was Lily who took all his attention, who made everything else disappear, the whole world fading into soft focus as his wife to be moved slowly towards him.

She was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. The most radiant thing he'd ever seen. She carried a bouquet of orange and cream roses, her dark auburn hair tumbling in endless waves around her face and over her shoulders, more flowers holding a long, flowing veil in place. Her hazel eyes were bright and shining, her smile sweet and shy, her lips so soft and dusky he felt like he wanted to kiss them forever. The mermaid pendant he'd given her at the feast of the moonlight jellies nestled between her breasts which were cradled in an ivory dress made of intricately layered and embroidered silk and tulle, moulding perfectly to her slender body, flaring smoothly out into a drifting skirt, just as delicate and stunning as the woman who wore it.

"Lily," he whispered her name and held out his hand as she finally came to a halt by his side. When she smiled and placed her hand in his he felt like his heart was about to burst. All he could do was smile back at her, staring at her like she was his own personal sun and he could never, ever have his fill of her.

She was everything he'd ever wanted in his entire life and she was about to become his forever.

Lily gazed into the eyes of the man who was soon to be her husband and felt her heart expand. He was so handsome in his perfectly fitted suit and tie, his jet black hair like silk, falling in soft strands around his face, touching on his smooth, dark brows, framing his flawless skin, enhancing his large, deep grey eyes, so compelling beneath his long lashes, and his smile, oh Yoba, his smile was brilliant, all hint of his former melancholy gone so that all she wanted to do was throw herself into his arms and only Mayor Lewis coughing and stuttering through the start of the ceremony reminded her that this wasn't the right time just yet.

"Ahem… Dear friends, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of this man and woman in marriage. It's not so long ago that Lily first moved to our town and I couldn't be happier to see her and Sebastian come together on this day. Long may their union last. I understand that both participants have written their own vows. Sebastian, if you'd like to proceed…"

Sebastian took a deep breath and she smiled up at him, knowing he must be just as nervous as she felt. She held his hand tighter, willing all her love into him and his gaze softened, something seeming to settle inside him as her fingers squeezed his.

"Lily," his voice wavered slightly then grew suddenly stronger. "My Lily... I lost my heart to you the very first moment I saw you and it's been yours ever since. You've given me everything I ever needed in my life. With you I've found the peace, happiness and contentment I never thought I'd have. You took away my loneliness, my sadness, all the years I'd spent feeling worthless, you took it all away and made me feel wanted, like I finally belonged somewhere. With you, Lily. I belong with you. I live for you and you alone. For your beautiful face, your sweet smile, your gentle nature and the love you give so freely."

Sam stepped forward to pass Sebastian her wedding ring. It was the same rose ring he had given her back in their garden, she had never wanted any other, and now it would be the ring that bound them together. He looked deep into her eyes as he slid it on her finger and she let out a little whimper, heart aching, desperate to kiss him…

"Lily, the first time I gave you this ring, I swore to always protect you, that I would never let anyone hurt you ever again. And I promise you that again now. I promise that I will spend the rest of my life loving you, caring for you, protecting you, making you happy in every way I can. You're the most precious thing in the world to me, I never want to be parted from you. Please be mine, Lily. Be my wife…"

"Oh Seb…" she sobbed out his name, completely overwhelmed, wanting nothing more than to hold him and promise him over and over again that she would be his forever.

"And now you, Lily," the mayor turned to her.

"Say what you feel, hun," Emily whispered to her, pressing Sebastian's wedding ring into her palm. "Just say what you feel."

Lily gasped and released her tears, raw emotion flooded free and her words gushed forth, all her prepared vows forgotten, nothing but the purest of love guiding her heart.

"Seb! Oh Seb! I love you! I love you so much! I will never ever leave you, I promise! I've thought about nothing but your face, your voice, your smile, every single day since I met you! All I've ever wanted to do is make you happy, to take your sadness away, to make you know that you're so special, worth so so much, everything in the world! I love every single thing about you, you're the sweetest man I've ever known! I want to be with you forever Seb, forever… because... because yours are the only eyes I've ever been able to look into without fear! You're the only person who makes me feel safe! I need to be in your arms so badly Sebby, oh please, hold me forever, don't let me go, I need you so much… please, please... be my husband!"

Sebastian stared at her as she struggled to slide the ring onto his finger, one that matched hers save for the rose, with the same silver twisting leaves and vines. She was sobbing so helplessly, gripping his hand so tightly, tears pouring down her cheeks, her body trembling, her heart in her eyes, he knew that all her words were unrehearsed, that she was literally opening her soul to him and he loved her for it, felt tears forming in his own eyes…

"Oh Lily," he whispered her name, fully aware that the mayor was staring nonplussed at both of them, but still completely unable to stop his tears from joining hers.

"Ah… erm…" the Mayor gaped at the crying couple and turned to look at Sam for help.

"Say the words, dude," Sam encouraged with a grin. "Believe me, they're ready."

"Um… do you, Sebastian Dawson, take this woman, Lily Rose Donnelly, to be your wife?"

"I do," Sebastian pulled Lily into his arms and kissed her, quieting her sobs with his lips, lifting his hand to her face to smooth away her tears.

"Uh…" the mayor looked supremely flustered.

"Carry on, dude," Sam nudged him.

"Ah, do you, Lily Rose Donnelly, take this man, Sebastian Dawson, to be your husband?"

"I do," Lily sobbed out between kisses.

"Um… ah… then as the mayor of Pelican Town, and regional bearer of the matrimonial seal, I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may, er, continue to kiss the bride."

Sebastian wrapped his arms even more tightly around his wife, kissing her with a depth and intensity he'd never felt before, even with her, his heart so full of love and happiness that he could feel it glowing, his entire being pouring into her, melding with her, his whole body thrumming like electricity was running through him. He never wanted to let go of her, never wanted to spend another minute apart from her.

"Um… how long are they going to keep kissing for?" Mayor Lewis asked helplessly.

"Just let them be," Emily said, smiling benevolently at the two newly weds. "I think they just really need each other right now."

"Three cheers for Seb and Lily!" Sam called out, striding to the front of the aisle. "Mr and Mrs Dawson everyone!"

Cheers rang out and people rose from their seats and started clapping but for that one long moment all Seb and Lily knew was each other and the sweetness of their embrace.

"Wow!" Haley exclaimed as Sebastian and Lily finally began their walk back down the aisle to the accompaniment of much rice and petal throwing. "It's a good thing I used waterproof make up on Lily, imagine how messy the wedding photos would have been otherwise!"

"You might want to check out Robin," Emily nudged her sister and pointed with a wry smile at the red haired carpenter who was busy blowing her nose loudly on her handkerchief as her husband patted ineffectually at her heaving shoulders. "I don't think she had the same foresight and she's due to be in the pictures too!"

"Oh Yoba!" Haley took one look at the smudged eyes of Sebastian's weeping mother and headed off towards her bag of photography gear that lay near the buffet tables. "I think I might have some tissues in my bag. It's time for me to switch from bridesmaid duties to photographer mode anyway."

Emily stared after her retreating sister and then turned back to see Sebastian pick Lily up and carry her down the aisle. She couldn't help but feel some tears prick at her own eyes. He held her so close, kissed her so gently, gazed at her with such devotion that it was beautiful to see. She felt so happy for her friend. Lily had been such a timid, frightened little thing when she first came to Pelican Town, hardly venturing off her farm and when she did it was only to come into town for the absolute essentials. Emily had first bumped into her in Pierre's store and had instantly seen what a sweet natured individual lay beneath all the fears. She had felt it part of her duty in making the world a better place to befriend this shy girl and help her come out of her shell. She had never expected to be aided so much in this by Sebastian of all people.

Like most of the town residents she had never really known him that well, as he too kept himself to himself, but she had come to see over the last half a year just what a caring person he actually was and she had also seen first hand just how good he was for Lily. It really was as though the two of them had been made for each other. She narrowed her eyes and cast a glance at their auras, feeling a warmth in her heart when she saw the soft pink clouds that surrounded them both, spreading from one to the other in gentle bubbling streams, glowing with inner light wherever their bodies touched.

"Oh Lily," she said, finally letting her tears fall. "I'm so happy for you, my friend. You really have found the love of your life, there's no mistaking an aura like that. You two belong together in every way."

Lily finished arranging the final vase and stepped back to appreciate her work. There had been so many beautiful flowers at the wedding and she had tried to bring as many back with her as she could, wanting them around for as long as possible to remind her what a wonderful, albeit exhausting, day it had been.

Speaking of exhausting, she cast a concerned glance in the direction of their bedroom. Seb had gone in there a short while ago, supposedly to change out of his suit before returning to help her out of her dress, but she hadn't seen or heard a single sign of him since he disappeared. She approached the room softly and poked her head around the door to see her new husband stretched out on his side on the bed, white shirt unbuttoned, but otherwise still wearing his suit, his tie the only thing he'd managed to take off. He was fast asleep, the roses from her bouquet, which he'd been meant to be placing in a vase beside their bed, scattered on the pillow and comforter around him. She smiled and took herself into the bathroom. She didn't want to disturb him when he was resting so peacefully and she was sure she could manage to get out of the dress on her own if she studied it carefully in the mirror.

She did manage, after a lot of fumbling, to unzip the dress and gently peeled it off, not wanting to damage it in any way. Emily had spent so long working on it and it was the most beautiful garment she had ever owned. She folded it carefully and placed it back in the tissue lined box from which she had taken it that morning.

Morning. It seemed such a long time ago now. She had been so nervous and so much had happened since then. So many sweet, beautiful moments. She could hardly believe it. She looked at herself in the mirror as she gently unpinned her veil and combed out her hair. She felt a little sad to be taking it all off but fatigue tugged at her and all of a sudden she wanted nothing more than to lie in the arms of her husband. She slipped on the soft white chemise she had set aside for changing into after the wedding, turned towards the door connecting to their bedroom and opened it, quietly padding over towards the bed where he slept.

Her heart fluttered as she gazed down at him, loving every single curve and line of his face. He looked so beautiful while he was sleeping, his long lashes resting on his smooth cheeks, his silky black hair falling softly over his brows, she longed to touch him and before she could stop herself she was sitting on the bed next to him, stroking his skin and gazing into two deep, dark eyes that fluttered open at her contact.

"Hey, sweetheart," he smiled tiredly, reaching up to lazily caress her face. "I'm sorry, I was meant to help you out of that dress, wasn't I?"

"It's okay," she said, leaning her cheek into the warmth of his hand, loving the fondness in his eyes. "I managed it on my own… I didn't want to wake you."

He let out a soft little laugh and gently pulled her down onto the bed beside him. "Come lie with me, Lily," he said, "I know you must be as worn out as I am."

"I am tired," she agreed, snuggling wearily into his chest. She felt his arms settle around her, let out a little sigh and then, before she knew it, she was asleep, her head resting in the crook of his shoulder.

Sebastian woke first and checked the bedside clock. They'd slept for a good three hours, unsurprising as they'd both been pushed way beyond their socialising limits today. He dropped his gaze to Lily's face, watching her as she slept. He'd always loved to watch her sleep, loved how quickly she always drifted off in his arms, it made his heart full beyond all belief to know that she felt so safe with him. It was all he'd wanted to do for so long when he first met her, to just hold her like this, and now he got to do it every single day. He reached up and gently ran his fingers through her hair. Yoba, she was so beautiful, he loved her so much, couldn't believe she was actually his, wondered if he would ever believe it. He lifted the hand that held her wedding ring and smiled to himself.

His wife. She was his wife.

He reached out to touch her face, willing her to wake so he could look into her eyes, and, almost as though hearing his thoughts, her eyes flickered open and he found himself staring into their soft hazel depths, lost as always in the spiralling colours they held.

"Hi Sebby," she peered up at him sleepily then yawned and stretched in his arms, letting out the sweetest little squeak as she did so.

"Ah Yoba, Lily," he groaned and pulled her into his chest. "You are so cute when you do that!"

She giggled in his arms. "Should I do it again then?"

"Only if you want to kill me with cuteness!"

"I definitely don't want that!" She giggled again and slipped her arms around his neck, kissing him softly. "Have you been awake long?"

"A little while," he said, chasing her lips with his own and kissing her some more, feeling like he never wanted to stop. "I admit I spent some time just appreciating you."

She smiled into their kisses and he shivered at the feel of her, letting his hands slide gently up and down her back, gliding over the smooth silk that clung to her slender body. "Did you wear this specifically for our wedding night?" he asked appreciatively.

"Maybe," she responded playfully, lifting a leg and wrapping it around him. "Do you like it?"

"I like anything if you're in it," he said, dropping a hand to her hip. "But you do look especially good in this."

"Mmmm," she murmured as he nuzzled her neck. "I like being woken up like this."

"And I like waking you," he said softly, pulling her closer so that their bodies pressed together, loving her warmth even through the layers of their clothing.

And then their caresses were interrupted by a loud clang from outside swiftly followed by the sound of frantic meowing from the front door. They both jumped and then smiled at each another.

"Oh!" Lily raised a hand to her face, eyes wide. "I was so tired I forgot all about poor Nyx!"

"Does this make us bad cat parents?" Sebastian said with a wry grin.

"It might," Lily said with a laugh. "I'd better go see to her!"

"But I don't want to let you go," he complained, wrapping his arms more firmly around her and kissing her again.

He wasn't playing, he really didn't want to let her go, just holding her felt so good right now.

"I don't want to go either," she smiled fondly and brushed his hair with her fingers. "But I don't think Nyx is going to quiet down till I let her in. I'll be as quick as I can, okay?"

"Okay," he reluctantly let her go and watched her every step of the way as she walked out of the room. She was so perfect, all slender curves and long legs, like a little fawn, her auburn hair falling down her back and over her shoulders. His hand went to the mermaid pendant around his neck, his heart already longing for her return.

Lily returned from placating Nyx to find Sebastian lying naked in bed waiting for her. He had the sheets turned back ready for her, the raven sweep of his hair and the long, lean lines of his body a work of art in the low light of the bedside lamp.

"As good as you look in that," he said, eyes dark and intense on hers. "I want you to take it off for me."

She whimpered and obeyed instantly, utterly unable to do anything else before that mesmerising gaze. The silky material fell to the floor in a little heap at her feet and a look of satisfaction swept across his face.

"Come here."

He held out a hand to her and she felt a little thrill run through her at the sight of him. She had never seen anything so beautiful as the way he looked right now. Her husband. Waiting for her to come to him.

She took his hand and let him guide her down onto the bed.

"I want to feel my wife's skin next to mine," he said, voice thick with desire as he slid his arms around her and pulled her close. She let out a little cry as she felt him hard against her immediately.

"Already…?" she looked up into his eyes, shivering with her own need.

"You know I always want you, baby," he murmured, slowly sliding himself inside her and she sighed as their bodies pressed even more firmly together. Oh, Yoba, he fit her so well, she loved the way he felt, just long enough and wide enough to fill her completely without ever hurting her.

He didn't move, just let himself rest deep within her as their lips met and they sighed into each other's mouths, their hands gently caressing each other's backs. Lily felt a gentle pulse of warmth flow between their chests and pulled him to her till not a single inch separated them, loving the sweet, familiar sensation, wanting more of him, all of him, all that she could ever have…

"Oh Seb," she searched his eyes, hands tangling deep into his hair, body trembling against his. "I love you, I love being like this with you, it feels like your heart's inside me, too."

"That's because it is, baby," he stroked her hair, his gaze so full of tenderness that she shook even harder. He kissed her gently. "Everything I am is inside of you, Lily. I'm all yours, my love."

"Sebby…" Lily sobbed, reached up to take his face in her hands and kissed him as though her life depended on it, tears pouring down her cheeks. "Oh Sebby, I love you, I love you so much, you're my everything, I'm so happy! All I ever wanted from the day I met you was to spend forever in your arms, just to be with you forever!"

"I can give you forever, Lily," he smiled, smoothed her hair from her face, kissed her tears away. "I can give you forever. That's all I ever wanted too."

He moved gently inside her. "Forever..." he said softly, eyes fixed to hers.

"...with you," she finished and gave herself up to her husband's embrace.

~The End~

Cute little page dividers by @chachachannah / Boring old plain green ones by me!

[mental-health-advice]

I know how to make friends, that feels easy enough. I don't overly have a hard time getting people to like me and I think that's just because I try my best to be extremely nice, so then people don't have a reason to dislike me. But becoming close to friends feel hard. All my life I've been in friend groups where everyone had a certain person or a certain few people they drift towards and I have never really been that for someone and I know it shouldn't suck but it does. I've had four friends I've kind of had that with but one lasted only for a few months and even then I feel like I didn't matter overly much to them. Another one did last for about a year which was great, but then we ended up at different schools. And the other two are online friends which counts, but it always feels different, and one of them I don't talk to anymore. And maybe that's just how friendships are meant to be, but it always feels different and feels so hard to properly connect with friends. In my current friendship group, everyone has a certain person they're especially close with, or maybe two people, and they have people they talk to all the time or hang out with often, but I can never manage to have that. I know they love me and find me fun but it just feels like that if I stopped being friends with them for whatever reason, it wouldn't actually affect their lives overly much. And I always feel like people only like me because I'm nice, like there's never anything else about me that is overly special or worth liking. And talking to them is so hard, because I don't know what to talk about with people. In groups it's fine because I can eifher listen or bounce off of multiple people but one on one is too hard and I'm always left stressing out over what to say. And I do try to message people occasionally but they either A. Don't read the message for a long time or B. They do and then our conversation is very short because I don't know what to talk to them about. The only person I can actually talk to is one of my online friends. They're easy to talk to, nobody else is. But then sometimes I feel bad because I don't want to talk to them despite them being my best friend. And even if I can talk to them, I still just wish I had someone like that irl too. This is more of a rant than anything, so I'm sorry about that. I guess I'm just tired of not being able to have a proper, strong friendship with people. Idk what you'd respond to this with since it isn't really a question so feel free to not reply if you'd like! Thank you for taking the time to read this <3

Hey there,

It can be so hard at times to have a closer friendship to someone in a wider friendship group. It can also feel horrible when others seem to have that with one person to turn to or hang out with and we don’t. I know that I have felt this in the past when I too never felt able to find that one person in the friendship group that I could really turn too so I know how it can feel.

One thing that I did find helpful though was reminding myself that despite me not being close to a certain person within the friendship group, that I did have friends as a whole and even though I felt left out in a sense at least I had friends when others may not have been so lucky. I know that this didn’t always fill that void of feeling left out, but somehow just having friends then made me feel just that little bit less alone if that makes sense? That despite not having that one person when others did, I did have a group of friends and so had a choice of many friends I could confide in when I needed to share something with someone. So I guess what I am trying to say, is if it would be helpful for you to look at the situation a little differently instead of seeing everyone having that one person when you don’t. I think that it’s also really important to know that everyone at times finds it difficult to know what to say to others, but sometimes you just have to follow you gut and say whatever comes to mind (as long as it’s not hurtful to another) and just say what’s on your mind.

You mentioned that sometimes when you message someone within your friendship group that at times problems arise with them either taking a long time to reply or the conversation not really going anywhere. In situations like this, could you remind yourself that sometimes this happens to others, not just you, and this is normal. So try not to single yourself out if you can. Try to remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with you and that it’s OK if you don’t have that one person you feel closest too, this will happen from time to time but it doesn’t mean that it will always be that way with other friendships that you may have and form in the future.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren