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satsuma-saturn · 4 years

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Trying - Mammon x Reader

A/N: ok, so this is another song fic b/c i can’t help myself lmao. also, i decided to say ‘guardian’ instead of ‘parent(s),’ so you can insert whoever, like maybe a grandparent or a foster parent or whatever. you can even insert your parent(s), if you feel comfortable doing so. it was for the comfort of the reader, just like the gender neutrality of the reader character. the guardian is only mentioned like once, but i just wanted to point it out.

WC: 2520

Warning(s): Reader deals with depression/anxiety and has a meltdown (kind of panicky, but not to the extent of a panic attack), Mammon sees the reader nakey, but there’s nothing spicy

fic is below the cut

I’m not really sure if my words make sense to you, but I can’t really find any other way to form these feelings into cubes and sort them in my mind…

Breathe. Just breathe. An involuntary function that you shouldn’t find it so hard to do, yet you feel your chest tightening as you hyperventilate and sob in the bathtub. You feel as though you’re dying, tears streaming down your face, blurring your vision. The water in the bath chills you to your core, and you just want to hide under your covers in your bed, but you remain in the tub, unmoving.

A knock on the door pulls you out of your haze. You wipe your face as the knocking gets louder, sitting up. Your breathing slows, but your nerves are still shot. Someone wants your attention, but you don’t respond. Instead, you pull your knees to your chest, shivering as the icy water seeps into your bones, freezing them solid. The knocking refuses to stop. It only gets louder the longer you sit there, but your body, crafted of lead, remains still, and you stay in the tub.

The negative thoughts go on the left and the happy things on the right, and there’s a little corner saved just for you…

“Hey, Y/N! What the hell are ya doin’ in there? Masturbatin’? Ya been in there for like two hours and I’ve been waitin’ for ya!” Mammon. One of the more sympathetic brothers, yet despite that, you can’t bring yourself to tell him about your anguish, as you let out silent sobs in the bathtub. Hell, you can’t even bring yourself to speak. You’ll just leave him with that imagery instead. Eventually, he’ll get bored and leave you alone. It helps that he has the attention span of a dog on a walk, especially one that has just spotted a squirrel.

Please let me know if you change your mind, ‘cause inside I’m falling and I need you to pull me out of this decline…

Only, your assumption about him getting bored and leaving cannot possibly be more incorrect. He needs your attention and he needs it now, the clingy sonuvabitch, so good luck getting rid of him. “Ya can’t just ignore the Great Mammon like that! I’ll break down this damn door if ya don’t open it, ya stupid human!” The doorknob jiggles, as if he’s first trying to see if he can even open the door, except it’s locked, because who the fuck leaves the door unlocked when they’re bathing? It won’t open until you’re ready to leave, since you can’t see him actually breaking down the door, therefore, it will remain locked until you unlock it. His words are most likely an empty threat meant to scare you into opening the door for him. Except, you feel no fear as you listen to him, since Mammon and fear pair together as well as toothpaste and orange juice. In fact, if you weren’t in such a sorry state and having a meltdown, you probably would laugh at his futile attempts to enter your bathroom.

I realize how hard to you this must seem, but trust me when I say it’s far, far worse for me…

Instead of opening the door, you just close your eyes and lay back down in the tub, wiping away the tears that refuse to stop vacating your eyes. Not too long after, Mammon’s knocking on the door again. Only, it’s louder and harsher than knocking. Is he kicking the door? You never thought he would hold true to his threat, but it sounds like he’s trying to break down your door. That ass.

You jump as the door swings off its hinges, crashing into the wall. Now, not only is your door destroyed, but there is a gaping hole in the wall. How the hell are you even going to respond to this? Mammon broke your damn door and now he’s in your bathroom, where you’re crying and naked in a freezing bathtub. He’s never even seen you naked before and this is not how you imagined it would go. This is so fucking embarrassing.

Please, please be here for me, dear, ‘cause I’ve never needed a friend more and I can’t stress how much it means to me that you’re trying…

His blue eyes widen as they drink in the scene in front of them. “Why the hell are ya cryin’? Is it ‘cuz I broke yer door? I’ll jus’ take some cash from Levi to replace it. I’m sure he won’t mind.” The way he’s staring at you makes you want to sink lower into the tub or disappear completely. Not only that, but Levi would most definitely mind if Mammon ‘borrowed’ some money from him, considering how often the latter had done it in the past without paying him back. “Why didn’t ya respond when I was callin’ for ya?” He steps inside the bathroom to sit on the edge of the tub. If he couldn’t see your body from the doorway, he can definitely see it now. You suddenly feel extremely self-conscious as you lay in the tub, thinking of how to respond. Quietly, he watches your face, waiting for your reply.

And I don’t mind if you can’t hold me like you used to, ‘cause I’ve never hated myself more…

Your voice is hoarse. “I don’t know. I guess I thought you would get bored and leave if I didn’t say anything. I didn’t think you’d really break my door down.” The water splashes over the side of the tub, spilling onto the floor, as you sink lower into the tub. You close your eyes as you sink to your ears in the tub, tilting your head so that your face isn’t submerged. Mammon’s voice sounds akin to the buzzing of bees as he speaks to you once more. Why can’t he just leave? Isn’t it obvious you don’t want him there, in your bathroom, where you’re naked and crying? Why is he so damn nosy?

His hands are gripping your biceps, nails digging into your skin as he pulls you out of the icy water. You don’t bother opening your eyes to look at him, but you feel him wrap a towel around you, holding your shivering form against his chest. “The hell are ya doin’, Y/N? What’s goin’ on with ya? It’s gotta be more than just the door. Were ya in here crying in this fuckin’ freezin’ water before I got here?”

But this is just a bump in the road and I promise I’m trying…

Nodding your head, you swab your tongue on your lips before speaking. “Yeah.” That’s all you say in response as your teeth chatter uncontrollably. The water was hot when you first got into the tub, but you guess you were in there for so long that the temperature lowered a substantial amount. Still, you weren’t glad to be out of the tub now. Under the water, you didn’t have to answer his probing questions. Now that you’re out of the tub and in his lap, you have no choice but to answer the questions he throws your way. You don’t know how to explain it to him. Your thoughts and feelings, and how they’re sporadic, like a scribbling on a child’s drawing. The child’s drawing is of a dog, only it looks like it’s just a bunch of scribbles.

I promise I’m trying…

Not only that, but you’re naked and in his lap, a towel serving as the only thing separating the two of you. You start crying again, burying your face into the soft fluff of the towel, your shoulders shaking. Your eyes are closed, but you feel Mammon pull your head to his chest, seemingly indifferent to your sopping hair drenching his shirt. “Y’know, I always wondered why ya stupid humans gotta cry n’ be sad n’ stuff. Ya have such short lives and ya spend them cryin’ in bathtubs. I’ve been alive for I don’t even remember how long and I ain’t never once cried in a bathtub.” Mammon speak for why are you crying? I care about you and want to help you. He would never actually say that, though, since he likes to pretend that he doesn’t have feelings for you, even if it’s obvious to literally everyone, including yourself. Whatever, you’ll just let him live out that fantasy for as long as he pleases.

You wipe your face on the towel, peering up at him with glassy eyes. There’s a look of discomfort on his face, like he wants to help you, but doesn’t know what to do. “I’m crying because…” Why are you crying? Originally, you were kind of panicking, but it was something so small, and you weren’t sure that he would get it. “I was having a meltdown and just kinda sad in general. It just kind of happened while I was in the bath. I didn’t really expect anyone to come in here to check on me. Or y’know, break down my door.”

Give me a moment to get my cards in line, ‘cause I’m still trying to figure out in what kind of order I should set them out…

He chews on his lip, silent for a moment. You feel as if this is the most serious you’ve seen him. A frown spreads across his face after a few moments of silence. “Y’aint got nothin’ to cry or be sad about, human. ‘Course, if you were hangin’ out with Satan or Lucifer, I’d understand, since bein’ around them makes me wanna cry. ‘Specially Lucifer. Don’t tell him I said that, though. He’ll throw a hissy fit. Thinks he’s so cool, but he’s a damn stick in the mud.”

If there was a way to explain everything without a word, I’d have a full house right now, without a doubt…

Sniffling, you wipe your nose on the towel, pretending that you don’t leave behind a disgusting trail of snot as you do. Ignoring what Mammon’s remarks about Satan and Lucifer, you say, “can you take me to my room? I just want to lay down in my bed right now, if you don’t mind.” Your hands are shaking as you speak, and you attempt to get them under control, but the effort it takes drains you, like trying to scoop water out of the Titanic with a plastic pail.

I’m trying to tear the wool from your eyes, but part of me wants to let you be, ‘cause then you wouldn’t see what I’ve become…

A slow nod from the demon comes after a few seconds, as if he needed time to process your words. He hooks an arm under your knees and lifts you up, holding you as a groom would his bride, and carries you out of the bathroom. Stepping around the splintered pieces of door, he loses his balance, almost dropping you when he steadies himself. In response, you dig your nails into his arm, bracing yourself for smacking the ground. Mammon hisses in pain as you leave small, crescent-shaped indents in his flesh. Yet, he holds onto you, miraculously managing to not drop you on the floor.

I’m trying to shout, but no sound comes out…

Gently, as if afraid to break you, Mammon sets you down on your bed, towel and all. After that, the bed shifts as he too lays down, pulling you to his chest. For a few seconds, there’s nothing. Just him holding you against his chest, seemingly unwilling to let you go, not that you want him to. His breath is warm on your damp hair, as his fingers tangle in it, massaging your scalp with his fingertips.

As he massages your scalp with one hand, the other rubs slow circles on your back. You can fall asleep right then and there, with the silence and his soothing touches, but you want to lay awake with him. Despite being a demon and the Avatar of Greed, he is always kind to you, even if in his own way. His inability to admit his feelings may make him appear cold towards you to an outsider, but you know differently.

It’s like we’re in a dream state, but I should have woken up, woken up by now…

After a long, drawn out silence, he finally breaks it. You figure he would give into his impatience eventually. “Are ya feelin’ any better? I don’t know too much about humans, but I know a lot of ‘em like physical contact when they’re feeling down, at least in my professional experience.” Professional experience. The words almost bring you to laughter. You can’t picture him having really any personal, or ‘professional’ experience with humans, much less ones that struggle with mental health issues, such as anxiety or depression.

“Yeah, I guess I am,” you reply. Your head aches and your mood is still damper, but you know that Mammon is attempting to make you feel better, in the best way he can. The demon, always greedy for your attention, is probably thriving from all the attention he’s getting at the moment. Only the two of you are in your room, so he can be the sole recipient of your attention and you can tell he’s soaking it up.

“Good.”

Please, please be here for me, dear, ‘cause I’ve never needed a friend more and I can’t stress how much it means to me that you’re trying…

Even if Mammon often drove you to near insanity with his crazy ‘money-making’ schemes and pranks, you’re grateful for his presence. Warmth radiates from him, a welcome change from the icy water of the bathtub that you were in some time ago. His clothes are soaked from your towel, pressed against his body, but he doesn’t seem to mind. When you try to point it out to him, he ignores you, continuing to rub circles into your back.

And I don’t mind if you can’t hold me like you used to, ‘cause I’ve never hated myself more…

Having your back rubbed relaxes you, and you find yourself almost drifting off to sleep a few times. You’re reminded of when you were a small child and your guardian would rub your back to get you to sleep, especially when you had trouble sleeping. In order to keep awake, you lightly pinch your skin, leaving behind faint pink marks. Normally, you’d go to sleep no problem, but you feel an obligation to stay awake with Mammon, especially after all that he’d done for you in the past hour or so.

But this is just a bump in the road and I promise I’m trying…

Your eyelashes, like butterflies, flutter as you fight to keep them open. The hand in your hair stops its movements, just gently resting on your occipital bone. You continue to fight sleep, but eventually, you give in, feeling it wash over your body. When you eventually wake up, you’re still wrapped in your towel, with Mammon asleep by your side.

I promise I’m trying...

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teacup-baphomet · 3 years

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G/t Drabble (Crash landed on a hostile planet trope but NOT via the a tiny vulnerable human in a planet of mean powerful alien bigs route)

tw: a bit of censored cursing. Uh. I’m not sure what else. Maybe broaching of sensitive tops such as sexuality and religion. But not really. Mostly it’s just rlly dumb word play/lame humor and a confused alien being confused (and kinda freaked/troubled due to the confusion? you’ll see if you read it i guess). there is some sad lorg boi times. idk. no romantic relationships. just a shaky friendship is forming between a crash-landed big-arse alien (a human! *gasp* i woulda never guessed something as vile as that o: ) and one of the much smaller, very much not human locals. most want to kill the poor dude who got stuck on this planet of hostile lil guys who think he’s a monster and immediately decide they much off him asap. so like having this one ally is kinda important to him. But it’s hard. because. lots reasons rlly. culture differences. the language tech can only do so much. the size diff creates definite issues because trust is hard in general. and trusting a big being that could easily cause havoc on your planet mostly just cuz he /seems/ nice is not a very good foundation... there is much to learn between the two before they can be truly good frens. so uh good luck to them lol *raises glass* I mean. I don’t think I’ll ever write these two again. but I’m sure they’ll end up good friends. probably.

Anyway without further adieu, here have a disappointment (read: attempt to be creative but i’m kinda lazy tbh and still kinda bitter I can’t draw for more than like 10 minutes before I start spacing out :/ )

"We are called humans or the scientific name is homo sapiens" spoke the large alien, Lyle.

"Homo sapiens? That is rather long, is it not? Why is a "scientific name" even a thing? Why would that be necessary? Scientific name versus what kinda name? Emotional name? Why are these science names two words? Seems annoying. What is wrong with just calling yourselves simply homos? Or something else just as nice and concise. Straight to the point if you will. Probably. I... Uh.. I obviously don't know what exactly is the purpose of a scientific name as i already implied... Sooo..." The much shorter – and much scalier- native being (called Torrynts) awkwardly looked off the side to stare at the plain, blank, siding of their dilapidated, isolated house as if it were the most interesting thing in the entire vicinity. Which it wasn’t of course. There was a f***ing alien 15 times their size only a few them-sized lengths way…

Lyle gave his new comrade – and only friend on this gawdforsaken planet that mostly wants him dead- th pondering, and possibly ironically, rather colourfully scaled Torrynt by the name of Kyvlar a bemused look, bordering on coy.

"Huh. 'Straight' to the point you say?" He paused with a small snort. "Well, my not-so-statuesque friend, do I got news for you~"

Kyvlar suddenly blanched, giving a Lyle a look that was like a knife to the heart while blurting out. "Wait, wait, wait! Hold up! We? There are more than one of you? Here? On this planet? Were you just a distraction the whole time. Oh... Oh no.... Have we really been victim a secret homo invasion this whole time! I-"

Their panicked monologue was interrupted by a most horrendous noise. Like a slowly dying tornado with the hiccups or something.

"STOP. Stop I-I can't. I can't. This is too much much!" Spoke Lyle with his hand covering the bottom half of his and his eyes scrunched shut.

'Welp,' thought the Torrynt, 'This is the end. This is when I die. I should have known better than to immediately put my trust in such an enormous obviously dangerous specimen. Ho-'

Kyvlar’s dramatic internal speech was interrupted when the alien surprised them by uncovering the his face, revealing a huge grin. ‘They weren't upset? Huh?’ The Torrynt blinked owlishly at the human in confusion.

"Sh*t, bite-size (Kyvlar noticeably paled at the impromptu nickname not 100% the foreign joking tone, well it would have been noticeable to someone their size at least), I know you don't mean to, context-wise, but you reminded me of my great aunt Karen when my Uncle Todd and Uncle Copper decide to have their friends over along with relatives for a gatherin'."

Plastering on a faux distraught look and blatantly mocking tone, he continue with exaggerated hand gestures. "Oh no, it's the...the...," he paused with snort, "... the homo invasion... No, no, no... Not here... not in this... this good, Christian neighborhood. Aren't just two of them enough? Oh woe is me!" The alien dropped the mocking tone and smirked towards the smaller being. "Heh. Good ol' great aunt Karen could never remember Uncle Todd was Jewish and so was the majority of that neighborhood.... It’s where my Uncle Todd was raised actually…"

The said smaller being just stared blankly at the homo-no-human they supposed as just “homo” meant something else, they weren’t sure what else, beyond just something else.

"Uhhm. Wh-what? U-Uhm, so what exactly is “homo” then? And what’s Christian? And Jewish too. What’s that? Are... Are those other types of -uh- intelligent, sentient creatures on your planet? Y-you know, b-beside hom-er-h-humans? Or are these subtypes of humans? What kinda are you? What is a great aunt? or Uncle? Does the great indicate a larger size? Oh gawd, a-aren't you humans b-big enough regularly? Oh... W-wait. O-or are you a great- uhm- great aunt, was it? E-er, g-great something? Ohhh. Zyntall (Torrynt swear). I'm sooo confused r-right now... " The timid tiny being, sighed in frustration before their eyes snapped open wide in a panic, and they did an immediate one-eighty with their behavior, and it was off all their previously trust, as wavering as it was, vanished in an instant, squeaking out a quick "sorry. oh, Z-zyntall... I'm so-so-sooo sorry. I-I hope I d-didn't offend y-you or anyth-thing... p-please, oh please, don't hurt me" while gazing everywhere except towards the much larger alien, hoping desperately the 'bite-size' nickname was just a bad joke...

Clearly they not only didn't get what so hilarious about the whole thing but also thought he was a monster prone to violence – still. Lyle sighed, all the mirth that was previously in his expression draining out of him leaving him with an uncomfortable grimace on their face. How disappointing... They really wish there was another human here to share in the jesting. But alas, that was not meant to be. At least as far as they knew there was no "homo invasion" in the making. Lyle wasn’t naïve. He knew humans were easy to slip into a gray moral state, at best. The role of villains at worst. And many of his kind would likely take advantage of a planet full of tiny, vulnerable people. Lyle couldn’t help but inwardly cringe at the thought, getting nervous about something that wasn’t an issue. At least now. Currently, human-wise, it was just him on this distant planet. And as far as he knew, no one - well, no other human at least- had any clue where they were. It probably just seemed he simply disappeared. Never to be seen again most likely. Trapped on this random alien planet in scenario that is akin to some sort of a personal hell of sorts.

'Wow. Hello, major depressive episode that’s making me overly dramatic. I haven't seen you since I was - what - eighteen?' thought Lyle regretfully. Calling this planet a personal hell was probably a bit over the top. But still, he couldn’t even seem to keep the trust of his single native ally. It only adds to his feelings of lonely isolation. And he feared his lonely angst will only get worse and worse. But only time will tell.

Giving a small sigh, he mentally prepped himself to try and get back his small friend’s trust. At least he was able to laugh for a wee bit earlier. It had been so long since he had done such. It was nice. Hopefully next time it will not lead to a backtracking in his attempted friendly ships with an open local, or even worse, a hostile local. The little laser guns that native being had stung like a b*tch. It reminded him when he got bit a couple times by some fire ants during a vacation as a child.

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So yeah these were rando improvised characters made on the spot.

But Lyle is a guy (he/him. He’d be chill with they/them too)

And Kyvlar is… a Torrynt. So like they/them I guess. Torrynts don’t have genders. Like at all. I guess they hermaphroditic (intersex if talking by human terms but not really as they are capable of reproduction and they aren’t human so… I dunno… Not even sure if hermaphrodite is a useful term. As idk if hermaphroditic animals, in nature, are capable of reproduction… I don’t think so? But I’m not sure tbh…). There is no variants like there are with human “sex”. And male/female concepts are 200+% foreign to these wee reptile-like aliens (albeit warm-blooded minded, so perhaps more draconian than reptilian idk. Also aliens being described as reptilian gives me hives due to a conspiracy theory that is like super bigoted actually n’ stuff. Very yikes. Don’t want to talk it about it rlly…). Their reaction would def be “wtf. That’s the weirdest sh*t ever” to such a thought as male n female binary dynamics & whatnot. No exceptions. They’d be like why a lot of you guys limiting yourself because of whether or not you are a potential offspring vessel or not. I don’t understand.

So Yeah. Uh. Anyways.

Their conversation about this prolly (or close to this):

Lyle: Hi. I’m Lyle. Just some random dude form Earth I guess.

Kyvlar: a random dude what?

Lyle: uh. I’m a dude. I guess I meant that I’m a boy though dudes don’t really have to be boys I think. But not to derail too much… Yeah. I’m a man/guy/boy/brosef, whatever you wanna call the male gender. Please not by brosef actually, heh. Anyway. Yep. A boy. That is what I am. Uh. How about you. I can just tell… you ….you have uhm two legs. Oh damn. Wait. That sounded so stupid. I wouldn’t assume your gender or anything. I just… You don’t look exactly human so..uh. UGH. Nevermind. I don’t even know where I was going with that... Heh. ANYWAY, so yeah what’s your gender is what I’m trying to say. Sorry I’m awkward as f***. I’m not used to socializing much. Been doing deep space sh** on my own for a few years now and.. uh.. yeahhhh….

Kyvlar: *stares blankly*

Lyle: Uh. Yeah. So. A Gender? Do you, uhm, have one? Or…????

Kyvlar: Uh. I think so? I mean I’m mostly a day-by-day I’ll figure it out then type but I, I really want be able to fix my home up. I want to learn to cook. Kinda suck at it now. Uhm. I guess… Uh. I should probably help you get on good terms with my people so they stop trying to kill you. You seem nice n’ stuff… so yeah. There’s that. I could use a little more purpose in my life. Not to-

Lyle: wait. Huh? What are you talking about? Are you talking about an agenda?

Kyvlar: Yes????

Lyle: *snorts* I didn’t say an agenda. I said a gender. As in A. Gen. Durr. Like are male or female or maybe something off the typical binary track??

Kyvlar: Uh. Er. Huh??? I, I’m so confused right now…

Lyle: Hooo boy. I’m so not prepared for this discussion at all.

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One of these days I’m gonna have a character that’s silver-tongue and smooth af and not some bumbling awkward doofus (*cough* like I am *cough*).

#g/t #g/t writing #i think this is sfw #i don't know why it wouldn't be #giant/tiny #giant dude #but he's really a human #it's like the crash landed on a hostile planet g/t trope #but the crash landed is a human #and he is the BIG #and the tinies are a bunch of hostile aliens #except for one #and they aren't really tiny #they are technically normal I think #i mean it is their turf yknow?#the tiny alien in this drabble is non-binary I guess #or maybe agender would be a better term?#the tiny aliens have no gender #or rather they have one gender #so it basically is means little to them identity to wise #like how humans are humans and thus that doesn't honestly say much about them.#except gender means even less to these aliens than that #not in a offensive way #in a they have no knowledge of gendered creatures so the concept of gender is very new to them #actually it's a non-issue to most of them because they don't give a shit about Lyle at all #oh your a guy #we don't care just die already #poor dude #he just wants a friend #but's awkward

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yet-another-saberface · 4 years

Text

Story Headcanons: Fuyuki (Finale ~ Sections 9-11)

Oh boy, this is gonna be something. This final bit of Fuyuki was an absolute treat to write, especially Section 11. Part of it was likely the writer’s high I get between 10:30 and midnight, but I’d imagine it’s also just that I really resonated with those bits story-wise. Prepare for something a bit more intense than the last 2 parts! And thank you to everyone so far who’s supported this little writing project! It means a lot to me that something I’m doing for fun like this is enjoyed by other people!

And, of course, spoilers!

Section 9: The Dark Cave

Eva does not like being in a cave. She isn’t particularly claustrophobic or anything, but between the tiredness, the anxiety, and her injuries, she just really doesn’t feel like hiking through a cave to fight evil servants. (Something she would normally be very up for doing.)

Panics just about as much as Olga when Archer shows up, and does her best to dash behind Mash, hiding her limp. Sadly, the grail mud has corrupted him way too much for her to even try to guess who he might’ve been beforehand. If they’re going to fight, they’re going to have to go in mostly blind as to how powerful he is - the exception being anything Caster already knows.

Now that Mash has her phantasm, Eva’s actually regained some confidence in giving orders during fights. While she was struggling before, during their fight with Archer, she manages to stay behind Mash most of the time and call out her orders confidently!

It takes a while, but they eventually manage to take down Archer after taking hit after hit after hit. Eva’s very grateful that Mash is a Shielder, because she’s pretty uniquely equipped to have drawn-out fights against long-range attackers like this.

Going into her fight with Saber, she’s actually really confident that she’s going to be able to win, so long as she has Mash tanking blows and Caster attacking. One might say she’s actually just a bit too confident…

Section 10: Facing the Greater Grail

Stopping right before the grail, Eva still doesn’t have any doubts, and honestly, kinda wants to just rush in there and get stuff done. Caster’s affirmations that that’s the right attitude only spur her on.

But she gets tricked into resting again beforehand. (“Oh, I guess I should let everyone else rest,” she tells herself because she must justify every break as something other than giving herself a break.)

She’s not that surprised to learn about how her magic circuits are being stressed - she’d pretty much identified that issue already herself. Despite this being an obvious chance to mention that ankle injury she’s been neglecting… She’s actually forgotten it’s there at the moment. She’s so hyped up for this last fight that she can’t feel it at all, and is just naturally shifting her weight off of it when she needs to.

She’s never going to turn down tea, though! She actually puts a worrying amount of honey in hers - enough to make the others stare in concern. (“It’s fine, I’m just trying to keep my energy up and all that!” “Senpai, the tea already has caffeine in it.” “...I like honey?”) She doesn’t admit it to herself, but she really needed this break. By the time they’re all done and have packed things up, the lingering bits of anxiety, regret, and fear are gone, leaving only her determination to finish things.

That said… Olga I’m glad you finally acknowledged her but couldn’t you have saved it for after the final battle? All of this praise is really going to her head. And she needs it. But she also needs to go into this remembering she isn’t going to automatically win… It’s good though, that she’s had this chance to regain her wits and laugh a bit at Olga’s tsundere-ness.

Those skeletons that show up? Bold of you to think she doesn’t know how to deal with them by now. *cue fight sound effects*

Section 11: Grand Order

Eva is astonished by the sheer size of the Greater Grail when she first sees it. She’d read about it in correspondence to Holy Grail Wars back during her research, but no amount of reading can prepare you for seeing something like that in person. She’s snapped out of it, though, when Saber notices their group.

Upon learning that Saber’s strength is mostly in her magical output, Eva’s confidence is bolstered once again. She may be trash when it comes to physical capability, but she knows magic. If Saber’s attacks are powered by magic, there’s a chance that they won’t even have to take her down the normal way. Maybe there’s a way to find a loophole in how her magic works! That would certainly be more efficient.

It was very wrong for her to be as confident as she was going into this fight. Things start off pretty well initially, with Mash guarding against each and every strike. But there’s a big difference this time. Saber’s large attacks may be magical, and long-range, but she’s also bombarding them with lots of close-ranged physical blows. While the shield is still somewhat effective, it quickly becomes too heavy for Mash to easily move to block every strike.

As soon as Saber gets her first hit in, everything goes downhill. She’s through their defenses now, and starts forgoing attacking Mash in favor of taking out Caster, their offence. Luckily, with a bit of a magic assist from Eva, Mash manages to get back on her feet and draw Saber’s attention again when she bashes her with the shield.

Mash manages to hold out for longer before getting hit this time, but eventually, her defense is broken yet again. Eva starts reciting a healing spell again, but Saber catches her this time, rushing towards her in an attempt to take out the Master. Eva just barely manages to dodge her, tripping over her own legs, and further spraining her ankle. She tries to get back up and keep running, but she finds she can’t put any weight on her right foot now, not without pain too great for even the adrenaline to get rid of.

But just as Saber’s about to get in that final hit, Mash rushes in out of nowhere, blocking the sword with only one hand on her shield, the other compressing the gash she’s got on her side. Saber pulls back, preparing to unleash her Noble Phantasm, while Eva desperately rushes through the healing spell to get Mash back to full capacity. She manages to finish just as it fires, with Mash activating her own phantasm on instinct before they’re obliterated. The beam reflects off the shield, weakened, but some of the attack still hits Saber.

As Saber dies, Eva is dragged up to standing by Mash, who then lets her hold onto part of her shield as a temporary crutch. But before Saber truly fades away, Eva does her best to remember two things: Firstly, that Saber unintentionally held back against Mash at the end of the fight, implying that something fishy is up. Perhaps there’s a connection between the king and the servant Mash fused with? Secondly, she notes that Saber refers to Caster as Ireland’s Child of Light, which, combined with the previous mentions of him also being a Lancer, is more than enough for Eva to commit to memory that that’s definitely Cú Chulainn.

Eva’s annoyed with how injured her leg is, and how that’s mostly her fault, but she’s very satisfied with the fact that they won, and is grinning like a madwoman… Up until she notices Olga spacing out. She’s still riding that high from winning, but doubt is slowly starting to creep in. This can’t be the end. Something’s not right.

And so, when she hears Lev’s voice and sees him step out in front of the grail, instead of pure dread - though you better bet she’s feeling dread - her reaction is more of just a long sigh accompanied by a facepalm. She’s tired, injured, and hyped up right now. Nothing makes sense anyways so you know what, sure, Lev is a bad guy now.

She limps behind Mash again, cringing whenever she has to step on her injured leg. And then Olga runs up to Lev. And the dread gets worse.

Eva isn’t at all confused by learning that Olga’s actually dead, even as she stands there in front of them - magically, it makes perfect sense. But she can’t help feeling sad, and guilty. The reality of everything is just now starting to fully hit her, with the adrenaline slowly draining away. Hundreds of people died in that explosion back at Chaldea. Including the woman standing in front of her. And she couldn’t do anything to stop it. She didn’t cause those deaths, but she also didn’t save a single person. And now, all that dread is mixing with the weight of those deaths, and the stress is starting to build, and the pain in her leg seems so much more prevalent now, and she can’t stop herself from breathing faster, and faster, and faster-

And then it all seems to stop. She stops breathing. She stops blinking. She stops moving. All she can feel is her heartbeat and the sharp pain shooting up her leg, as she looks on in horror as any hope she might have had of Olga surviving is erased forever, accompanied by cries of how this woman - someone with issues scarily similar to the ones that Eva’s subconscious knows she has - will never be good enough, how she’s never been properly acknowledged…

Mash has to snap her out of it, placing a firm hand on Eva’s shoulder. She starts breathing. She starts blinking. But she’s still frozen, stuck in a state somewhere in between being in the moment and the abyss of her own anxiety.

She doesn’t register most of what Lev says, only clinging onto two things. They’re all probably gonna die right now. And a name. Flauros. Something in her memory begs for her to think just a second longer, that she knows something about that name - but her mind’s not operating correctly right now, and before she can remember what it means, the panic takes over once again. They're all going to die right now.

As the cavern begins to collapse, Eva is frozen again, her mind full of panic and replays of Olga’s screams and the thought that she’s about to die without having accomplished anything and the nagging feeling that if she could just think she’d figure all of this out rather quickly. And within a few seconds, it’s too much, and her vision starts to cloud, the last thing she registers before passing out being Mash yelling and grabbing her by the waist in desperation.

By the time she wakes up in Chaldea, the panic seems to have mostly subsided, in favor of confusion. Her leg has a boot on it now, and she can remember enough to know that she injured it. And something in the back of her mind keeps telling her that there’s one detail she needs to remember, that it’ll make things make sense… But she just can’t.

In her haze, she doesn’t even really question Da Vinci’s presence - she’s just glad that she seems to be alive. And while the vague reminders that she’s got a lot of responsibility now begin to drag in that all too familiar stress… She just needs to get to the command room. Maybe someone there can remember whatever it is that she’s forgotten. Maybe she can figure out what the hell happened back in the cave after Olga-

Nope. She’s not gonna think about that.

She spends most of the briefing Roman gives her in denial. There’s no way she managed to actually save Mash back there. There’s no way that all of humanity is dead for all time. There’s no way that if it is, she’d ever be able to save it. But when she’s asked if she’ll do it…

She says she will. Because that’s the only thing to say. Because she can’t let these few people that seem to believe in her down. All of the guilt and stress and need to remember is still in her system, but she can pretend it isn’t there. For their sake. She’ll become a Master and “save humanity.” If it’s the last thing she does.

Uh... Tags.

@contractgreen @panyum @withanina @campanulabell @delfinaschiffer @princessaslan @armageddon25 @patproductions @xviicprc

My next post in the series actually won’t be jumping straight into Orleans, but will probably come out on Friday, maybe? I’m still working on how I want to format it, but it will cover the short period of time between Fuyuki and Orleans, all the summonings that happen then, some slice of life, etc. I’d like to include at least 1 real (though probably short) fic post to go along with it, but I’m not settled on what exactly it’ll focus on. Thank you again to everyone who’s been reading these!

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spacegaywritings · 4 years

Text

Warming Paws and Melting Walls (3/8) “Making Adjustments”

General

Summary: Emile lets Remy take Virgil to work. Negotiations ensue.

Tags: Emile, Remy, cat virgil, mentions of kidnapping but no actual kidnapping, nervousness, cat treats, boxes, cute shit, snuggles, crushing on your boss, arguing with cats, remy is being salty all the time, swearing, bitch bitch remy, phone calls, mentions of work, ew social, Remy hates people but he is valid, loneliness, pining, subtle lovey lovey.

Virgil and Emile are referred to by they/them pronouns.

i do not think there is any to be applied. If you need me to add anything, please contact me here or on my tumblr (spacegayparty, spacegaywritings)

ao3: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 // all.

tumblr: 1 / 2 / 3 (you are here) / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8.

My KoFi - Support me ♥ or Commission me

Story under the cut // Word count: 4,4k

“No.. I can’t. You don’t get it, I cannot come for the life of me!”

Remy gripped the phone in his hand tighter. His knuckles turned white. Not once in his life had he even dreamed of a scenario of this sort. No nightmare could ever reach into the depth of his personal fears like this. He was enraged, somewhat nervous. One of his hands was on the couch scratch the smooth, cool surface.

Reality was much crueller than imagination could ever be. Real life wrote stories that nobody could come up with - history was the perfect piece of evidence. People fighting alligators and smuggling foxes or colour-coding genitals. Human society was so fucked up, people did not even realise it. The most unbelievable shit happened all the time.

Right now, it was happening to him. Despite this, he tried, he really tried to get this right.

“Remy, you can’t just tell me you are not coming and then not give me a reason. Is anything wrong? Do you need help?”

Emile’s voice dropped from a somewhat sharp and scolding sound into the usually concerned sound. That pal was just made to care about others, weren’t they?

Even now they were more supposed to get upset and threaten him, when they were just worried about him. Remy wanted to roll his eyes at the display of pure wholesomeness but he did not have it in him to tease them about this.

“Okay, listen here. I know that is a shit thing to do. You guys are not prepared to be without me but I got some kinda emergency here, honey. I can’t handle work right now, not with them around. Or not around - Sorry, boss.”

The man carefully brushed over the kitten in his lap, the shivering little thing meowing pitifully. They were wailing out the feelings Remy gritted into his teeth.

“Alright, alright- wait. Wait a minute right there. What do you mean? Is anyone holding you against your will? Remy, I am concerned about you.”

Remy blinked for a moment at how much the whole conversation as much as Emile’s reactions to his words were a fucked over roller coaster that went back and forth and off-track periodically but irregularly so. It was unpredictable and honestly so draining. But understandably, the pal had some worries for their employees, especially Remy since he got into big piles of sick days due to his chronic migraines and physical issues. Still, it was a little absurd to expect him to be kidnapped. He was way to sassy to stay put.

“Uh, I mean, I would like to go to work but staying at home always sounds nicer than, like, being productive. Sounds like a big nappy time to me, if you are asking me, honey.”

Right after saying that, Remy realised that he was still sort of talking to his boss and probably should choose his words with at least a BIT more care, as of this moment. Emile was nice but they were not some dumb idiot who would let Remy do whatever with them.

“Uh, okay. Let me explain, honey. I picked up this cat and I don’t know, like, whose it is and I put up those papers and put ads on PhotoAlbum in several groups (it was a lot of work, sweetie. Would not recommend. Totally busted my weekend! So rude.). I also posted to some page that deals with missing animals of this area and all that kinda shit. I still got, like, a sweet nothing and the cat is really sad and they won’t let me go out. I am - I don’t want to leave the cat alone. You know, Virgil might all up and fuck over my flat and I have nobody to babysit them - catsit them? Whatever.”

Silence engulfed their phone call for a moment.

Remy was met with nothing but more little mewls which he quickly stilled by brushing further over their soft fur. Were cats supposed to have more dense fur than this? It felt a little thin, especially for winter coming up. Was that a black cat thing? The vet had not mentioned anything about that. Just to give the cat a stable and proper diet at, like, a scheduled time because stability. Which made sense and all but... Ugh, maybe he had to go there again or ask the internet or just get a book.

Emile cleared his throat after a while.

The doctor really did know how to get some attention. For some unknown reason, it felt like one of the hottest things to Remy how the man could just draw the attention back to him with the most subtle gestures on this fucking planet. They were still considered to be nice and soft and all that kinda fun stuff when they were actually not just sweet and adorable. Emile could be serious and it was almost frightening to know them in control.

"Remy, if neither you nor your cat - "

"Virgil. Their name is Virgil."

"Alright. If you are healthy and so is Virgil, I don't think I can excuse you at work. As much as I would like to, you are our one and only receptionist."

Remy's heart fell and he let out an audible sigh. It felt like pushing bricks through his windpipe when he could have breathed regular oxygen.

Whether his employer was hot or not, he couldn't just treat them like a friend or talk to them like some guy he wanted to hook up with. Okay, he kinda did but he tried to not listen to those thoughts. For once in a lifetime, Remy actually felt somewhat bad talking to Emile. He wanted to tell them off and never like his boss again. His chest was a fierce burning and he wanted them to regret being inconsiderate of the little kitten.

Didn’t they know Virgil was an abandoned stray? They were confused and all alone in the middle of winter in a big, heartless city!

"I appreciate your honesty, still. But Remy, listen. If your cat is new and you are scared of leaving him -"

"They. Virgil gets they /hem pronouns because they are a special person and deserved not to be misgendered."

"Alright. If you don't want them to be home alone, how about we make work a little more home for hi- them."

Remy pressed his lips into a thin line. For a moment, he hummed in deliberation.

"What do you mean?"

Virgil meowed on his chest and patted the phone in interested. Remy was sure they wanted to play. Emile received a little thud on their end.

"We keep your door closed and a little darker and hang up signs for people to try and be quiet so they can sleep. Cats sleep almost all day. Much more than we need."

The receptionist nodded but realised that Emile could probably not see that.

"Sounds okay."

Emile let out a hum.

"You would really do that? I'll get ready and come over with them."

His boss let out a laugh. Remy's queer heart was blooming in delight. Maybe they were not bad. They just had obligations too and these needed to be fulfilled. Other than Remy, Emile was running a business and needed his employees. Remy only had a void on his lap and softness in his heart.

Of course! Why didn't Remy think about that. Any kind of doctor needed to take an oath, swearing to protect all life. Emile had to prioritise their clients.

The cat meowed and Emile giggled again.

"Hello Virgil! See you later, I hope"

Remy's heart was beating so fast, he nearly swooned loud enough for Emile to hear him. His eyes closed and the sugar-sweet smile on his face refused to leave. Instead, it revelled on his lips for another few moments.

"I'll pack up and see you in a few."

Emile smiled, unbeknownst to Remy.

“Can’t wait to see you at work, Remy.”

Upon arrival, Virgil ducked away and cuddled up to Remy's chest. They were snuggled up under his jacket which they shared with Remy. Such a humble gesture. Whenever the cat heard a sound, they cuddled closer and flinched away from any source of sound other than Remy.

His footsteps? All okay.

Someone coughing? Fucking illegal.

Remy was more than happy to know he brought about as much food and little things for Virgil to ease up and calm down. It should ease them up. But he couldn't change the smell and make it more comfortable for the cat to relax faster instead of hiding away a lot.

It was still a wonder to him that Virgil was so trustworthy with him but then again, they all assumed they had been socialised before. But he didn't find a single person claiming to own the little void. Not yet, at least.

The man walked over to his little "office" only to be stopped from stepping inside.

A sign, as promised. But that one wasn't for the others to be quiet. It was for him to move into the bigger office.

“Reception moved to the main office.”

.. The main office was much bigger and Remy didn't know how Emile made it a usable working space for him and at the same time an adequate living space for Virgil but he would give it a try. If not, he would need to get some student to catsit his baby for a few hours every day. It wasn't like he desperately needed these bucks, anyway. It was okay. And he was willing and happy to spend it on his Virgil when they needed it more. He himself was glad, already. He had books and nice things but Virgil had nobody and had yet to be picked up by their original home.

A happy void was a good void and he wanted his void to be their best at all times. At least for the time being.

Virgil meowed and pawed at Remy. There was hesitation in their movement and after that, they stayed quiet as if to wait for their friend to reply to their request. The man just gently hushed the kitten by stroking over their black fur and humming a bit, quietly so.

The surroundings were so white, so new and it smelled of stingy disinfectant sprays and other things. One of the walls was pastel pink. It was not just cold but also warm but not warm like Remy was warm. Or Virgil, for that matter. He was just glad to wear his sunglasses loyally.

Virgil curled further into the black jacket.

“It’s okay, Queen, you will be fine”, he promised.

He made it to the office. The only time he had been in this place was when he had applied for this position not too long ago. A few years, maybe. This was Emile’s personal office. He was standing in his office and his things were in here. Emile usually did not have too many things around but the pictures and the pastel walls were giving off a warm vibe. Again, it was not the Remy-kind of warmth but it was warm nonetheless and it made him feel funny things he could not quite place.

Sometimes he forgot there was more than his own working space. That, and the fact that Emile had his own practice close to his home. He had probably been here early and had used the time to move furniture and accommodate Remy.

Literally, what kind of employer would ever do this?

This office was innocent and playful like going to the kindergarten or being on a swing. It was simple and natural. Natural despite pastels being a little less naturally occurring, especially in a city like the one they were living in. Still, it was a soft colour and had some sort of soothing effect on him.

Remy carefully nudged the door close behind him and brought Virgil over to the table where he was supposed to sit and work. The desk was larger and the wood looked like oak, perhaps. He was not the type of guy to know much about things. He just liked books and partying. He was a simple soul.

But his boss? He seemed to mind. Emile must haven taken time to invest in a certain vibe this office would convey. Maybe it was a psychology thing It calmed him down for sure.

Now, while the walls and pictures screamed Emile, they also hummed Remy’s tone. His desk was filled with little pictures and decorations he had brought to make himself more at home.

That was about the only delight he could relish in, working as an assistant or secretary or however people wanted to call his profession. Whatever, he was just there to welcome clients and give them some treatment plans he had printed according to Emile’s orders. Sometimes he would make appointments with people and negotiate about finances and payment plans. He checked prescriptions and other things, too. He mostly took care of all the social interactions beside the actual treatment Emile gave.

Yeah, Emile had it all figured out and believe it or not, Remy was actually great at keeping some order together and be somewhat effective with people. He kept track of every person and their schedules. He just knew which days to propose and which days, dates and times were impossible due to things such as soccer practice for the kids or school or religious rituals and family traditions.

Say whatever you want, Remy was good enough at his job to keep it yet still flip off enough people.

However, now he needed to settle down and enjoy the new space.

Or, well, absolutely hate how much it smelled of Emile and how it felt warm like them and their sweaters. Having the hots for his boss or uh, higher-up, was definitely the best thing to ever happen to him. Maybe not the best but it was entertaining to say the least. Virgil, on the other hand, was quite..quiet.

The smol kitten was put onto the desk with care. Remy was handling a precious piece of creature right there after all. He watched them for a moment, the cat just crouching down and looking at him with wide, heterochromatic eyes.

Right into his heart and soul.

“I love you too, royal stray. Now let me work before I get fired, Queen of salt”, Remy offered and let his bag down.

He made some space, turned on the computer and gently nudged the cat. Virgil refused to budge and stayed put in front of the keyboard.

“Kitten, I gotta work. Wanna sit on my lap? You can cuddle with me while I work.”

Remy looked at them but there was no answer. Were cats the clever ones? Or was this dogs?

Well, whatever, it’s not like Virgil would just suddenly all up and speak actual words. This was not a magical place after all, it was just a boring office.

Or a warm office, actually. Not that it really mattered. (It did, to him.)

“Caaat, come on, I need to work.”

Remy put his arms around Virgil to at least type his log-in data into the computer and get his whole shit set up and finally started. After some time, he could start receiving calls and schedule things again. It was bad enough he was so late. He probably had a ton of emails to check about how some people needed to reschedule something or needed an extra appointment, maybe even an emergency one.

People, right?

Nothing was ever right with people, it was inconsistent. Apparently, cats were not really as consistent either.

Maybe living things just sucked and Remy did not know how to deal with that.

The black blob of fur was still unmoving and even with the arms awkwardly surrounding them, they would not take any more action than purring.

Purring. Fucking purring.

“Virgil, come on. Quit your bullshit and move, you are not supposed to be comfortable in my working space.”

“Meow”

“Yeah, meow you too, little bitch.”

Remy rolled his eyes, looking for his brain so he could interrogate why the fuck he was actually arguing with a cat. Like talking to his brain was actually more sensible than discussing things with a cat and somewhat expecting a rational answer.

“Okay, Queen, how about that: We can find you a box. You like boxes and I should have a box here - for paper. I swear, I will go totally feral if they threw this away. Anyway, I will just take away the paper and you can get all comfortable in the box, just like at my place.”

Virgil looked at him, purring and vibrating in interest. The sparkling eyes fixed on the man and Remy nodded. The void seemed to be pleased by this suggestion. Remy was allowed to breathe around the feral beast for a little longer. Great.

The secretariat let himself drop into his swivel chair and he quickly rolled over to the printer and took the stash of printing paper out for the sake of making space for his kitty friend. Damn yes, he was glad Emile had not thrown this away. He would have trusted them to do such things.

“Oh Virgil~”, he purred out in a voice akin to songs more than simple words, “come here, kitty kitty.”

The kitten looked over, tail swishing around for a moment. They looked as if they were ready to get up and maybe even cooperate for a second. What a day of fucking miracles.

Remy experimentally patted the box and Virgil slowly moved over, purring still and with passion It sounded like the whole room was driven by the engine that was nothing but Virgil’s curious sounds. They were unique and even if Remy was sighing in exasperation at how much time the cat took to INSPECT AN EMPTY BOX OF CARDBOARD, he was smiling.

Eventually, Virgil was done sniffing and patting the box with paws and nose. They actually stepped into the small space and settled into the space like cat pudding.

Wasn’t there some stupid shit of cats being liquid? He did not remember it quite well but he was sure there was something like that.

“There you go, little void. I got a treat for you, you are doing so well.”

He quickly pulled a little snack out of his bag and handed it to his kitten who took it immediately.

Virgil’s nose was twitching for a moment and their little teeth crunched on the small treat as if this was the most festive and fancy meal they would ever receive. Those teeth looked like straight out of some vampire novel.

But was that shit really so tasty for cats?

..He kinda wanted to try that but he was human and he would probably hate that shit. He also kinda felt odd about the idea of eating Virgil’s food. He had his own food, seriously. He had such dummy thicc ideas sometimes.

“You are the best little void”, Remy cooed and softly bonked their heads together.

Virgil’s insistent purring gradually seeped into the human. Closing his eyes, Remy just stayed in place and brushed his hand through the little kitten’s charcoal fur for a little while longer. It was warm. Warm like hugs were warm and drinking hot chocolate or similar drinks that made him feel fuzzy and sleepy.

Maybe he met the kitty cat in winter, so he would be warmer and not the cat themself.

“You two sure look comfortable!~”

Remy ripped himself away from the dark kitten, his head whipping around so quickly, he could hear it giving off the sound of something breaking. Oops, neck. Sorry, not sorry. His reaction was so quick and violent, someone might have thought he was a teenager whose parents walked in on him pleasing himself. As expected (yet somewhat at the same time, not really), the boss themself was standing there and looking at Remy and Virgil cuddling. Emile chuckled but apologised at the scare they had driven into the others.

The coffee-lover could do no more but raise an eloquent eyebrow instead of stuttering up some weak apology. He was not about that kind of speech anyway. Too much work. Instead, he was the type of person to, well, arch an eyebrow at his boss.

Virgil’s colourful eyes were focused on the intruder. They stared into Emile’s soul.

“Virgil is doing okay”, he replied as he pulled up his work email account and scheduling programme to put the things together.

Oh dear coffee bean, he still needed to check voice mail for all the info he had missed. Emile pressed their lips into a thin line for a moment before letting them pop back out.

“You know, you can tell me these things first things in the morning instead of not coming and sending me ominous texts. I am more than inclined to helping you when I know that you are in need of certain accommodations.”

Remy nodded but kept his eyes on the screen. For a brief moment, the man glanced over at his boss and clicked his tongue. He acknowledged them for just long enough to be somewhat polite.

“Thanks.”

He shrugged and Virgil meowed…in agreement?

“Aw your kitten is so cute! Where did you get them again?”

The doctor came into the office and slowly approached the kitten. Their back arched a bit, making them smaller. Virgil shrunk away from them and their ears changed position.

Remy gingerly grabbed the little box of void and pulled them closer in. The kitten’s eyes widened and their body tensed, seemingly jumping into a position to pounce onto the intruder or flee within the blink of an eye. If need be, they were prepared.

The man gently eased the kitten with small movements. He brushed the fur down until the void was in a more regular position but their small muscle strands were still obviously tensed up under his displays of affection.

“They are shy. I found them around the trash in a side alley on my way home”, he explained curtly as he gently consoled the kitten who settled into the box once more.

Safe box, good box.

Best little void.

Remy was so proud of them for relaxing and trusting him. The flee stance was away and the cat did not look like they were a small kindergarten kid some big adult suddenly started yelling at for apparently no understandable reason. The kitten was doing well.

“It’s okay, little Queen, bad Em will bow to your wishes, little darling.”

Emile straightened their posture and smiled at the two before them, waving.

Could they do anything better than wave? They felt like an outsider watching an intimacy they would never be a part of. Like a child watching the perfect family from the other side of the window.

It was so warm and so far away. The own world was so cool.

Yet it was another kind of warm. Not smiles and soft words warm, it was more than reassurance and paid trust. There was a whole relationship in this warmth. It had established within just a few days. The time span was so strikingly short, the individual was genuinely shocked to have missed so much of Remy’s life in just a moment.

Emile pressed their lips together again and sighed.

“I just wanted to let you know that you can have the office if that helps. I will stack cat food and toys for the kitten, if you want to. I hope that helps you accommodate. But I need you to help me plan the refurbishment of your old office, then. Got any time during lunch break?”

Remy shrugged.

“I mean, if I do not have to catch up on anything else, sure. I cannot go out with Virgil. This is too much for them.”

He glanced at them and gently pulled the kitten-box closer to his stomach.

“You okay there?”

Virgil meowed and was rewarded yet another pat on the head. The cat pushed against the gentle hand, eyes squeezed shut. Remy looked at them instead of his boss.

“Okay, good. Now let me work, you demanding little bitch. I got your business to handle and finances to take care of.”

The cat slowly blinked at him and he chuckled. Emile cleared his throat.

“Good then. I’ll leave you to it.”

“Yeah whatever”, he cooed before he redirected his attention to the screen before him where he started scanning the first emails with plan changes. His right put down the notes of it with little abbreviations. Mrs. Shuster was probably running late again. He really needed to have a talk about this with Emile.

Talking about this, the pal was still standing there, abandoned eyes on the unattending Remy. He was patting Virgil with one hand and started clicking and reading at incredibly fast speed with his other hand.

Emile did not notice they were staring, standing still as they were captivated by the simple scene before them. When Remy’s cool eyes, shaded by sunglasses, suddenly looked at them, they realised they had yet to leave.

“Anyway, I gotta get this stuff done. Need anything else?”

His boss shook their head with a smile softer than butter in the sun.

“I will leave you two to it. See you later, Remy, Virgil.”

They nodded their head at each name and looked at the two. The void was basically invisible under the desk and in Remy’s lap.

Just safe and protected as the needed it.

Emile left, swallowing the odd tightness in their throat.

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aroacemisha · 4 years

Text

So like.. I think I’ve come to a realization.

For some time I was wondering, why am I so unmotivated? In like, early and mid 2018 I was posting a lot of art, I think I might have been drawing every day, and sometimes posted two drawings a day, but now I post like, maybe a drawing a week at best. And oddly enough, I have a little more time now than I did then.

And yes, part of the reason I do less art is because I improved immensely since then and my art has begun to move closer to a realistic style, so it takes more times, but still, I spend less time drawing, even though there’s nothing stopping me.. besides the lack of motivation.

But where does that come from?

Well...

Partially it may be because I don’t get enough feedback, but I think a bigger reason is what happened between early/mid 2018 and around autumn(?) of last year. Doing art for a fandom.

I just noticed a difference between how I felt in early/mid 2018, in my fandom art phase, and how I feel now.

While in the very beginning, early 2018, my now original story, Crossroads of Chaos (which I have a blog for - @crossroadsofchaos), was a Hello Neighbor AU, it stopped being one fairly early in development and became its own thing.

But even then, in the first few months that I was doing art for it, I still wasn’t really doing content “for a fandom”. I was drawing for myself. You know, the thing they recommend you to do when you feel sad because you don’t get much feedback. And I was doing fine. I drew a lot more.

But then in mid 2018, I started doing art for a fandom. Made my interpretations of characters, and started posting stuff about it on a different blog, the CofC blog mostly becoming inactive for the time. I won’t say what fandom it was, because I want no mention of it on my blog, and because it doesn’t really matter.

But I gradually started to want more notes and attention. Not sure what caused that shift. Maybe the fact that at some point I was followed by someone who was popular in the fandom and I was hoping I could one day get a boost and have more followers.

And slowly, my soul was being drained by the lack of feedback. I was losing passion and energy. I cancelled the series of fics I was going to write after just one chapter, and gave up the plans to turn it into a comic. And I’ve been doing art for a fandom for like, a year at that point.

It hurt every time I saw a new person coming to Tumblr, seemingly not having met the popular people on other sites or irl before, but immediately getting a boost, while I was posting stuff for so long and never got one. And a lot of times I felt like people were deliberately ignoring me and my content, just scrolling past it. I even feel like that now sometimes.

I had unpopular opinions, unpopular ships, and hated some of the most popular ships (I’m very picky with ships in general). That definitely contributed to me not getting much attention, but it still hurts. And eventually it drained me.

It’s not the only, and not the main reason I left the fandom though. I was also just losing interest in the franchise and didn’t like where it was going. I took the characters (the interpretations I had of them to be exact) that were the dearest to me and remade them into OCs for CofC, so I could keep them without associating with the fandom anymore.

The last ask I ever got on the fandom-related blog, just a day after reopening my inbox, was anon hate towards my favorite ship, an unpopular one. And then, after roasting that anon, I closed my inbox again, knowing I wouldn’t get anything else. No one gave a shit. Even though that blog had the most followers out of my blogs.

And here I am now. A ton of ideas. No energy. No motivation. And hoping for more followers and more feedback.

---

Oh wow this is long and kinda sad. But also I guess my self-esteem is a little better these days? And I’m finally not too anxious so I can actually talk to my friends? I dunno I’m trying to make this a little more positive.

But also I definitely write a lot more now, which is good, but I don’t want it to completely replace drawings. As much as I like writing, I’m still first and foremost an artist.

#mj thinks aloud #not tagging this as venting because it's more an observation than anything #and i'm not sad rn. i'm okay

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jungwoohoos · 5 years

Text

uni!jungkook

genre: fluff

word count: 2.1k

you can’t throw a ball to save your life, but being on a volleyball team with jungkook makes you really want to try

You thought Saehyun was drunk when she first asked you to join her intramural volleyball team

But after some tests--”you know I can’t walk in a straight line even when I’m sober, WHICH I AM”, you figured out she wasn’t drunk

And you were even more confused

Because she’s seen how uncoordinated you are when it comes to your eyes and limbs communicating

One time at a barbecue, you somehow managed to fall into the KanJam bucket when going for the frisbee

The frisbee ended up veering off course and hitting your niece in the head

You had to bribe her with an unlimited supply of mint chocolate chip ice cream for her to stop crying

And there was that other time you asked to borrow a pen from Gyeongsuk and got poked in the eye

He’s on the basketball team so it wasn’t like he mistakenly aimed for your face

It just somehow...landed right in your eye

If Saehyun had asked you to join her team, you knew she had to have been desperate

You went back and forth for a little bit

“Saehyun, you know what I’m like with limb eye coordination. I’m going to dismember myself before the first game even happens”

“But, but”

She gives you that look, eyes big and mouth pouty, hands clasped in earnest right below her chin

She gave you the spiel about it being one of her biggest life goals, to be captain of an intramural volleyball team

With her little frown and puppy eyes, you had already made up your mind

“I’ll send you the hospital bill after the season’s over” you mumbled into her shoulder when she crushed you into a hug

The bill was coming a lot sooner than you thought

You had already gotten hit twice in the head

You weren’t even trying to do anything--you were just standing there??

There must be some sort of gravitational pull toward the center of your head

You tucked yourself into the corner after suffering those two mini concussions

4 other people from the team were tossing the ball around

You wanted to stay in your safe zone a little longer before putting yourself in danger for a full game

Saehyun comes over a few minutes later, and you have to swat her flitting hands

“I’m fine I’m fine, stop, stop” and her flailing arms finally take their place at her sides

The game’s about to start in 5 minutes, so you start walking towards center court

“Oh!! I forgot to tell you. Jungkook, that guy from my tech drawing class, is coming. You’ll like him. He’s cute :))”

“Ugh yes, I knew there was some legitimate reason as to why I’m sacrificing my life to join this team”

She just flicks your arm and keeps on walking

You’re intrigued though because when Saehyun says someone’s cute, they’re usually pretty cute

Although you kinda had someone in mind

Coffee Thottie

Saehyun gagged every time you said that, but she’s never seen him get up to throw his garbage away

He is a certified thicc hottie

He’s typically tucked away in the corner of one of your favorite coffee shops

Sometimes he’s doodling on napkins and other times it’s nicer drawing paper

You’ve never gotten the chance to sneak a peek because you get too nervous

You two kinda know each other because you’re regulars

So he’ll always give you a little smile when he sees you

His eyes crinkle up, and his cheeks squish together

And his hair falls into his eyes when he’s drawing

No matter how long he’s been there for, he always cleans up his stuff and moves if he sees someone older walk in

And there was that one time when you spilled tea all over your shirt because he stretched his arm behind his head and his bicep bunched up

You were able to furiously dab at it before it stained too much, but it was too late because you were warm from seeing him and your chest was burning from your tea

You knew nothing would ever happen because you don’t even know his name or if he’s in school

So you just let yourself enjoy Coffee Thottie because it made your days much more bearable

The refs started gathering everyone toward the net to explain the rules

Just a lot of jargon you didn’t understand, but you were a valued member of this team now so you nodded like everything made sense to you

You saw someone walking toward the group out of the corner of your eye, but he settled somewhere behind you so you couldn’t see who it was

After the coin toss, which Saehyun won, everyone started getting into their spots

Saehyun had planned where everyone was going to be to maximize play efficiency

She put you in the back left corner for those “tight hits”

Mostly because only 4% of the hits ever came that way

You were fixing your way when you heard your name being called

“Jungkook’s going to be right next to you, so don’t worry!! He’s very athletic!!”

You made sure your hair was out of your face before turning to your right

God

It’s Coffee Thottie

Jungkook is Coffee Thottie

Your brain short-circuited, and you prayed that you weren’t drooling, but Coffee Thottie was standing next to you with a surprised look on his adorable face

And he was wearing shorts, which you had never seen him wear before

Thottie yes he was

He sticks out his hand, which snaps you back to reality, and you fumble a bit before you take it in yours

His hand completely envelops yours, and you’re pretty sure you can stay like this forever

He gives a small smile (only minimal eye crinkling, sad) and introduces himself

After you exchange names, you both interrupt each other

“You go to Green Bean rig--”

“You’re always drawing in Green Be--”

You both laugh and nod, confirming each others’ thoughts

You hear the whistle blow, and Saehyun yells for everyone to get in formation

“I hope you’re good at volleyball because I think Saehyun will go on strike if we lose because of me” you say before scooting to your spot

There’s a little tinkle of laughter from him

Hehehehe

Oh boy, you know you’re done for

The game honestly doesn’t go too poorly

Putting Jungkook next to you was an ace choice because he was able to save all the hits that would have somehow found a way to hit you

He’s so supportive when you go to serve and hit him in the back

He pretends like it threw out his back, hunched over and cramping, but he gave you a thumbs up and mouthed “don’t worry” when he saw you getting worried

And you got some pretty nice views of his butt

Which was truly what got you through

Along with his cute smile and encouraging comments

You ended up winning 3 out of 4 sets

Saehyun fell to the floor and almost started crying

Everyone loitered for a bit, getting their bags settled and putting on their coats

You and Jungkook had somehow started talking about skittles

You were adamant that red was the best color, but he had never even heard of red because green was clearly the superior color

“Okay, but tell me why the red ones are always left after the bag’s empty. It’s because they’re gross!!”

“It’s because you’re not hanging out with people who can appreciate the true culinary genius of red skittles, Jungkook”

Jungkook thought it was cute how passionate you were about the conversation

Your eyebrows would furrow in concentration, and you had a habit of biting the inside of your lip and then letting it bounce

That was a little distracting to say the least

He had no idea that the cute friend Saehyun was talking about was you, the cute girl who always sat by the window and read

He liked to draw you sometimes because you looked so peaceful when you were reading

And he thought he would catch you looking sometimes, but you always averted your eyes so soon after, so he could never tell

But you were definitely looking at him now, and he liked the warm feeling that was settling in his stomach

Saehyun was calling your name, the signal that it was time to head out

She was your ride, and you didn’t feel like walking across campus in the rain

You didn’t want to stop talking to Jungkook though

Because he was looking at you with those eyes

And because you felt obligated to educate him on his incorrect decisions

But Saehyun’s halfway out the door and threatening to let you walk, so you wave and tell him that you’ll see him at the next game, two days from then

And so you start this little routine

The nights you didn’t have games, you would sometimes see him at Green Bean

You’ve started joining him in his corner table

Which you really like because the nook is perfect to curl up in with your book

He always buys your drink for you

Will point outside and say there’s a dog to distract you so he can pay

But sometimes you get him back by buying grapefruit tarts

He actually likes the peach tarts a little more, but he knows how much you love grapefruit, so he doesn’t say anything

He likes watching how your face lights up when you eat something yummy

At games, there’s still a lot of encouraging

Jungkook’s learned that you somehow always attract the ball

So he makes sure to make sure you’re never in danger of getting hurt

The times where you accidentally collide and you put your hands on his arms are just an added bonus

You’ve gotten really comfortable around each other

Your favorite activity is to make fun of each other

How he can’t look anywhere close to the sun without sneezing

How you hoard deodorant because you sweat a lot

You become each others’ go to for emotional support

Which you never really expected

But it happened one day when you had had a draining day

Your code for your final project had been running for 17 hours and then crashed

10 hours before it was due

This was still when you hadn’t known Jungkook for too long

But for some reason, your thumb hovered over his name on your phone

So you called him blubbering because you were convinced you were going to fail the class and never graduate or get a job and be able to support your dog-son

It was a lot to put on someone you had only really met a month ago

Honestly, he didn’t know what to do for about a minute

Because you sounded really upset, which made him upset

But also because he had never really been that great at comforting people

But he knew you loved fireflies, and parts of his room had been glowing on and off for the last few hours from the fireflies outside of his window

He picked you up, making sure to give you his sweatshirt

Which only made you look cuter, all cozy in his clothes

And he sat you on a bench and held you

Let you cry and let whatever you needed out

But also made sure to point out the fireflies once you had wiped away your tears

How they must feel lost sometimes, especially during the day when they can’t glow

But the moment they find the nighttime, they can be themselves

You’re the same way

School’s hard right now, but if you push through, you’ll find a place where you’ll be fully comfortable with who you are and what you can do

It’s cheesy, he knows

But it was worth it when you whispered a “thank you” against his neck and kissed him on the cheek

And now months after that

You’re celebrating the fact that your volleyball team is INTRAMURAL CHAMPIONS

Saehyun did cry when you won the championship game, and she started puttering around, tears blurring her vision, to set up a party

It was almost 1 am, and everyone was blissed out and a little tipsy

Most of the team was passed out on the ground or had gone out to get food

You and Jungkook were on the couch, half watching the nature documentary that was playing

You weren’t talking, but it was a comfortable silence

His legs thrown over yours, head on your shoulder

You liked how he was so big but could curl up into a little ball around you

His hand was playing with yours, rubbing circles into your skin and running his fingertips over yours

You knew you two would have to talk about it sooner or later, but for now, you were content with feeling his steady heartbeat against you

#man i really went off on this didn't i #uni!jungkook just makes me wooooooo #my writing #bts headcannon #bts imagine #jungkook headcannon #jungkook imagine #bts scenario #bts fluff #jungkook fluff #uni!jungkook #bts drabble #jungkook scenario #bts fic #bts jungkook #jungkook fic #kpop fic

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gayasianminimalist · 4 years

Text

Dear Future Deanna,

You are about to go off to college, and afterwards starting your great big life. Therefore you may never see this message future Deanna. But I won’t lose hope because maybe you’ll have this with you without knowing it. Anyways, good luck in college, hope you make the most of it because you only get once chance in college. Make good choices, but at the same time take some risks or else you will forever regret not being bold. It’s okay if you make any mistakes because I’m sure you’ll learn from them and become better. And another thing future Deanna, live in the moment and don’t think too far ahead.

-Deanna Wong June 1, 2015

Dear past Deanna,

Well 2 years later I managed to find this mini notebook and see what I wrote to myself awhile back. Past Deanna, I have certainly made some mistakes and done things I couldn’t imagine myself doing 2 years ago! I have met some of the most important people in my life these past couple years, especially this past school year. I hit the gym pretty often which is a very necessary thing in my life but I don’t exactly have access to a gym at the moment. I’ll make do this summer with @ home exercises and probably running in the mornings hopefully starting tomorrow. I kind of hit a big wall at the end of my 1st year at UCSD, I failed 2 classes and passed with a B and I’m waiting to take the other class still. My gpa definitely tanked but now I have above a 3.0 again which is my goal gpa to maintain for the rest of my years here. I see my handwriting hasn’t changed too much so I’ve reached my max as far as writing legibility. I’m cleaning out my desk right now and there are definitely a lot of old Deanna history hidden in these drawings. Hmm so I’ve left my college journal at school, but I only wrote in it probably twice this whole school year. Way to keep record of what’s happening. So something that has definitely changed my life was starting my rave life. EDM really has had an impact on me and I decided to give ecstasy a go. It is quite the euphoria, but in great moderation. Gave me the happiest feeling in the world. I’m so glad my friends have been gracious enough to let me have this experience. So I’m not saying drugs are good, but they’re sure really fun. This past spring quarter I tried shrooms and that trip definitely gave me one of the weirdest days of my life. Everything just felt sort of off, but I saw everything a bit differently visually. And then more often than not I had those nights of being drunk, stoned, or crossed af. Like I knocked out pretty hard on some nights. Next year I definitely need some self control over these type of nights. IDK if my body can handle such tough treatment anymore. Anyways I joined a frat, and now I have 2 littles in my frat. They’re super cool but I need to find a way to connect all of us next year because they’re kinda polar opposites. I don’t wanna think about this too hard though so I’ll just continue on this much needed spheal. Also an update on my love life: non-existent. I’ve been single for a solid 20 years since I’ve been alive. Also I’m 20 what... how dis happen. Going off on a tangent, I think I have found that photos are very important to me. All the memories I have captured, I can’t even begin with how blessed I feel forever with such great memories. I would say my second year of college was definitely better than my first year. I wanna stop here past Deanna since I’ve given you the gist of my college thus far. Now to write to future Deanna again.

-Deanna Wong July 12, 2017

Dear Future Deanna,

So what past Deanna said, keep living in the moment, take lots of pictures, and make more new friends, but remember to keep your old ones. Maybe try dating someone before the end of college, or not but you need a person in your life I think, or maybe I’m wrong and it’s better that you’re independent all through college. Whatever happens, happens. Also keep living your healthy life, go gym, hike, eat right, and so on. And don’t feel so bad on not so good days, stress eating gets to everyone. Try to say no to people, you can’t be influenced all the time. Otherwise you’ll never learn to have things your way. You can be helpful to people too, but sometimes you should make sure you get your own shit together first. I think you have all the tools needed to succeed in the rest of college and life, so make your choices wisely.

-Deanna Wong July 13, 2017

Dear past Deanna,

I think I’ve gotten college life down, better than my first 2 years for sure. I still am making mistakes though, kind of had some bad incidents as far as my behavior record with UCSD, but on my way to fixing that. Nothing that’ll put me on hold for graduating, I just have to deal with business and this should all be over next quarter. Long story short I passed out at an on campus event and I have some consequences to deal with but it’s all on me, I have to fix things. On the bright side, everything in my academics are right again. Above a 3.0 and I am on track to graduate by next spring. It’s really hard to write into this tiny notebook. I’m writing very intensely I’m sweating a little. It’s also not the coolest temperature. Sacramento brings the heat. In terms of my social/party life, this past year of college, and within the last quarter, has exceeded my first 2 years. Well part of the reason has been because I turned 21 this year. Legal drinking is a whole new game. You would think I can control myself at this point, but I still can’t some nights. I’ve definitely opted out of drinking a lot more this year. Self-control is getting better. A lot of seniors I grew close to this year are graduated now. It makes me really sad but I need to learn to get through this year without them. They are all going on their own paths for the future, and I wish them all the best and to visit me next year! My love life got a little bit spicier this year, but nothing drastic happened where I need to announce it. Still no girlfriend and I really want to have one more and more. Still actively using dating apps. Well just more recently since its summer now and I don’t have much else to do. Just trying to recharge myself mentally. I think a lot of things that happened this year has given me a bit of a mental drain. I think i actually like attention but I may have gotten more than I need for a year. My 21st birthday is the most extra day I’ve had in my life. Everything was funny, everyone was dressed up, and there were a lot of gifts. The best thing was all my friends being there just to celebrate my friend Nat and I turning on year older. Like it shouldn’t be that huge of a deal, but it became a big deal just because we wanted it to be. This really should be more of advice for future me like the 2 past me’s, so I’m gonna do that instead of blabbing about my life. i’m supposed to do that somewhere else. Alright it’s there, peace past me.

-Deanna Wong July 5, 2018

Dear Future Deanna,

Not sure what to say. Well if past Deanna has been able to accomplish all she has up to now, future Deanna can keep up this level of excelling life plus more. You’re literally about to enter the actual adult world after this year. You need to figure out your plan even if you don’t want to. You gotta make moves to get where you want. Such as staying home or moving out as soon as possible. Get a woman, it’s time to be more proactive about your love life because if you don’t make moves, no one’s gonna do it for you. Maybe tell people how you actually feel if you feel for them. Still have to take risks. I don’t think past Deanna has taken any REAL risks. Like a risk that makes you sweat and super anxious beforehand but could be very worth it. But you’ve always had a logical side, so maybe listen to it if it’ll make your life better in the long run. I’ll continue later but I have to eat first. You are your own grown ass adult now, speak up for what you want. You can’t let other people dictate your outcome of situations. Take control of you situation. Take control of your situation. Be a good friend. You’ve gotten better at it by leaps and bounds, but there’s always room for self-improvement. Be appreciative of how far you’ve come. Don’t beat yourself too much, you still tend to do this from time to time. Take your own advices? I don’t think you’ve had to apply this yet, but you could try giving yourself a few pointers. Keep yourself tidy. Clean your room more often when you’re at school. Things pile up, and a cleaner space tends to give you a clearer mind. Keep in touch with those you don’t see as often. You tend to spend all your time with one group of people instead of reaching out more. This is why you don’t see some people enough. Develop this skill now and it’ll translate in the future. I think I’ll keep it to this for now, you’ll gain more wisdom as you endeavor into your final months at UCSD. Stay lit, stay safe, and be you. :)

-Deanna Wong 7/30/18

This is just some back and forth between myself that I had for the first 3 years of my college life. I’ll save my last year for another post. I feel like between each year I had some improvements, but a lot of the stupid stuff I did more or less are from all my non-sober nights in college. It’s kind of the same thing over and over but just with different people and different circumstances. Looking back at everything now, I’ve really become a lot more of a stable person. I don’t regret a single moment of undergrad. Although I find it really strange I felt like I needed to have a girlfriend at some point. I honestly with so occupied with my own life that I really did not need to add someone else to the equation. And even now I’m still kind of ok with my independence, maybe a bit too ok with my independence. I think honestly the right person will just come at the right time. I really think I need to give the meeting someone in the real world a shot. Well not now since California is in a lockdown but after this pans over I’ll try to go out there and find the love of my life.

Stay safe out there y’all and don’t go spreading too many germs. I’m out gonna be raving in my house haha.

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canadian-riddler · 5 years

Text

The Girlfriend: Part Five

Characters: GLaDOS, Claptrap [ClapDOS]

Synopsis: It was just about the only thing he’d ever said he didn’t regret.

One of the things he liked best about her - other than everything - was that she got more fun as time went on. He actually kinda liked it better this way. It sorta felt like he was earning the fun, and it was a lot more rewarding than he’d thought any kind of work was ever going to be.

One of her favourite things to do was scare the bejeesus out of him. She was really, really good at it. Whenever she did it he would usually jump up and fall over and maybe scream a little (okay, definitely scream a lot), and then she would laugh and he would wonder why that made him feel so gosh darn lucky. Seriously. He should have been mad that she loved doing that so much, but... he wasn’t.

This last time, though, she’d scared him so bad his oil pressure had spiked enough to blow a gasket, which had been super embarrassing. He couldn’t really do anything about it, either, other than helplessly watch the fluid drain out of him, but as with every other time something in his chassis had busted she just shook her core and said something about inferior construction and told him to lie down - but not there! Why did she have to tell him not to lie in the puddle? Seriously - and got to work fixing it.

Before GLaDOS, there were a lot of things he hadn’t realised a girlfriend could do. She could beat him at video games, display action figures like nobody’s business, and appreciate the dirtiest dubstep the ECHONet had to offer. About the only flaw he could think of was that she hated romcoms, which he was going to have to work on. He really needed his cheesy, predictable, but oh-so-heartwarming movie fix. But other than that? Man. She was pretty great.

One of the many, many other things she was great at – besides being herself, which pretty much covered it all – was fixing stuff. Including him. Not only did she love fixing stuff, she was super good at it. And when she did it to him, it made him feel a way. What way, he wasn’t sure. It was almost kinda... like he felt better about himself, a little bit. ‘Cause when she did repairs on him she was always really meticulous and used really good parts, and she wouldn’t do that if she didn’t think he was worth it, right?

It was also kinda pleasant when she did it. There was no yanking or pinching or weird crunching noises. And she would sometimes hum to herself, which was awesome because she had the voice of a robot angel. While she did all that he’d usually start thinking about all the stuff he’d like to do to her (but never would because he was too scared of her to ask about any of it) but occasionally he would just think about cuddling her for a very, very long time. Of all his fantasies, that was the one he’d probably get. He was working on it. She would let him while they were watching TV or playing video games, which she agreed to two or three times a week. He was trying to nudge that up to three or four. He had to be super careful about that kinda thing because when she thought he didn’t take her job seriously, she got mad at him and gave him a lecture about responsibility. And then refused to talk to him for a really, really long time. Like four hours.

“Babe,” he said after a minute, realising she was in a good mood so it was the best time to ask, “you wanna - um - you got time to watch TV after this?” He always got a better result when he asked that instead of if she wanted to. It had something to do with her feeling like her time was being respected. Or something. She probably just didn’t want to admit wanting to do something that wasn’t work and that gave her a loophole. Whatever worked!

“Yes,” said GLaDOS. “I’ll be a few more minutes.”

Oh. Well, that had been easy. Er than usual. She was usually a lot trickier than that. Which, for some reason, he really loved about her. It was kinda satisfying to work out the right combination of stuff to get her to agree with him. But he also loved it when she didn’t make him work for it. ‘Cause who would want to do that? Other than him, sometimes. Man. How did she do this to him?

The answer, of course, was that she wasn’t doing anything. He just loved her so much that every single thing about her was perfect, even when some stuff should have been annoying or stupid or downright sadistically cruel. And Claptrap was no stranger to that. He’d loved worse people, and lots of ‘em. And without ever making a secret of it.

Except this time.

It was weird for him to hang around someone for this long and not tell them he loved them. Usually he’d said it three or four times by now. At least. But he hadn’t said it to her even once, even though he’d wanted to like a kajillion times. He did. He loved her a lot and he knew that for sure. It was just... how the love felt that was scaring him.

It was something different than before. Something better, but also much, much worse. He could get by just fine without his friends. He’d be really sad about it, but he’d be okay. With her, though? He couldn’t. He couldn’t get by without her. He had to be with her, forever, or else he was just gonna get so sad and lonely he would probably just die. Probably.

But it was stupid.

He’d done a lot of stupid things in his life. He’d do about thirty more stupid things before today ended. But the absolute stupidest thing he’d ever done was fall in love with a girl who could do so much better than him.

If she were on Pandora, people would have been falling over themselves to have her. She would’ve had all the choices in the world. Every robot, human, and corporation in the six galaxies would want a piece of her and she could have or do whatever she wanted. But she didn’t know any of that. He should have told her a while ago, but he couldn’t. Because if she knew then he couldn’t have her, and it was selfish and wrong but why couldn’t he have something nice, damn it? Why couldn’t he have a smart, hot girlfriend who laughed at all his jokes and didn’t tell him he was gross when he talked about how much he wanted to bang her? He deserved nice things too, right? Right?

"You know," he said conversationally, fervently wishing he could kick himself even while he was saying it, "as the smartest, most beautiful girl in the universe, you know you could do a hell of a lot better than me, right?"

"Obviously," GLaDOS said, tilting the panel so that he slid back onto his wheel. "But you're here and none of those undoubtedly incredibly superior people are. So there is that."

Ooh. A little loophole of his own! "But what if one of them showed up?"

She managed to shrug even though she didn't have shoulders. "Then it's first come, first served I suppose."

"But… but I was first."

"With stunning observations like that you're sure to always head the line," said GLaDOS, shaking her core. "What grade oil do you take again?"

"Doesn't matter. Any kind."

He looked down at the container she handed him and then back up at her in surprise. "Uh… you gave me the nice one. That was probably a mistake, so…"

"I don't make mistakes," said GLaDOS in a way that was both very serene and very sexy.

So… so she thought he deserved nice things.

It was the good stuff, too. In fact, it was so nice he wasn't sure Pandora even had it. He hadn’t dumped all his oil on the floor, so he put the container away for now. He’d top off with something else later. Oil that nice needed to be saved for special occasions. “I’m pretty sure you made at least one,” he said, even though he really should have just shut up. She narrowed her optic in that way he’d learned meant she was frowning.

“I did not.”

“Well… I’m here. And not ‘cause you told me to leave but I hid somewhere behind the wall ‘cause I really, really didn’t wanna go and now I’m stuck ‘cause turns out there’s not many places for a guy to go once he gets behind a wall. I’m here like… on purpose. ‘cause I was invited.”

“You’re very strange. You know that, right?”

“So I’ve heard!” he agreed, while backing up so he’d have an excuse to get out of this conversation before he really said something stupid. “Anyway, I’m sure you have tons of work to do, so - “

“Since when have you ever wanted me to work?”

“I uh… I don’t. But um…” Crap.

“You asked me if I wanted to watch TV after I was finished. Did you change your mind?”

He had forgotten all about that. “Uh…”

She sighed and shook her core. “You’re very lucky I’m so patient.”

Oh boy was he.

She even let him hug her while they were watching the show, which he was super unable to pay attention to after about two minutes. Usually he didn’t have a problem doing this, but he wasn’t usually this confused while watching TV. She had been so nice to him lately. ��Of course, there had been that talk they’d had about her being mean to him every day, but it would be weird if she had actually been listening. ‘Cause he’d mentioned that to a lot of people in his life and nobody had ever bothered listening.

But if she was doing that, then…

He had so much to lose if he messed this up.

Yeah. The feelings he had for her were different than… than any other ones he’d ever had. They made him really nervous but also really excited, and also really scared but also super happy. All of it was almost as terrifying as she was. But so was the thought of ever, ever losing her. He didn’t want to make it weird, but… he would probably never get the chance at anything like this ever again.

He was doing so good, though! They hardly ever fought and while she still did tell him he was stupid about fifteen times a day, he did kinda deserve it. He really should have known better than to draw smiley faces on her turrets. And he should have known better even more that she wouldn’t think they looked as nice as he thought they did, or that she would have gotten annoyed when he tried to argue that they were just sitting there anyway and nobody would ever see them.

“Claptrap,” she had said, sounding very tired, “would you like it if I drew all over your action figures?”

“No,” he’d answered, not knowing what that had to do with anything.

“It would ruin them, right?”

“Well, yeah.”

“If you wouldn’t like your things ruined, why are you ruining mine? You’re right. I have a lot of turrets and I can always make more. But you also have a great deal of action figures and you can always acquire more.”

That was when he’d started to feel just absolutely terrible and he left Aperture for the first time in, like, weeks so he could go to Pandora and ask Dr Zed for some of the stuff he used to clean up stubborn bloodstains. It had done just fine to get the marker off the turrets, but while he was finishing up the last one he turned around to see that it had started peeling the paint right off of them! He’d panicked and thrown them all into one of her acid pits and then panicked again when they started saying stuff like, ‘No hard feelings’ and ‘I don’t hate you’. And then he’d had to go and tell her what he’d done and beg for her forgiveness, which had sucked.

“Are you mad,” he’d asked the floor, pressing the tips of his clamps together.

“No,” she’d said. He’d immediately looked up at her.

“You’re not?”

“I’ve been analysing your behaviour,” she’d said, “and it’s become clear to me that you have some incredibly severe software faults. You consistently start off with a good idea which somehow dissolves into total disaster. It’s as though you’re only allowed to think of two outcomes to any given decision and both of them are horrible. Though well-intended.”

“What… what are you saying.”

“That I’m not happy you melted my turrets, but I can’t really be mad about it. After all. You literally can’t think very hard. Since you can’t do anything about that, I will have to make sure to keep anything important out of your reach.”

“That’s it? You’re not gonna yell at me or ignore me or set me on fire?”

“While any one of those would be incredibly satisfying, approximately none of them has the power to fix the obvious, gaping holes in your programming. So no. I’ll have to start viewing your unavoidable chaos as a force of nature and begin planning accordingly.”

He’d been left, which was very, very rare. She was gonna work around his problems instead of expecting him to somehow fix his own operating system? Really?

Even though he was off the hook, he’d still felt bad about busting her stuff, so he’d gone back to Pandora to get her some flowers. Unfortunately, he’d forgotten why he was there part of the way through that mission and by the time he went back to Aperture they’d all wilted. Which he hadn’t noticed until he was standing there holding them out to her.

“Uh,” he’d said a little forlornly, bringing them back down in front of his eye. “These were um… living last time I saw ‘em.”

“Give them to me,” she’d demanded, and she’d whisked them away with one of her giant claws.

And the next morning – which had been today – he’d gone to his room to try to find his Butt Stallion figurine for the eighth time and to his surprise there were flowers on his coffee table. In fact, they’d looked exactly like the ones he’d given her yesterday.

“Baby,” he’d called into the hallway, “why’re there flowers in here?”

“I fixed them,” she’d answered.

“You what?”

“That’s why you were giving them to me. Right? You wanted me to revive them.”

“No, I was…” He had started getting really overwhelmed with a whole lot of feelings about how adorable and precious she was and utterly failed to finish that sentence. “They were for you.”

“What for?”

“They weren’t for anything. A guy just gives his girl flowers sometimes, that’s all.”

“Oh, I see.”

And then had come the very, very best part. Where he’d gone to give them back, but before he could she handed him the absolute pinkest flower he had ever seen. Or at least she’d tried to. His hand had stopped working.

“Claptrap?”

He’d lunged forward to give her a hug, but didn’t notice until after that he’d knocked the flower out of her claw and rolled over it. And the ones he’d brought to return to her. He’d picked them up and sighed and she had just… laughed.

“I’m sorry,” she’d said. “I shouldn’t laugh. You’re doing your best. Even if that doesn’t amount to very much.”

“It’s okay,” he’d said, and for some reason it really was. Actually, he knew the reason. It was because she was so perfect and beautiful and amazing. He was so super in love with her she could have yelled at him and ignored him and set him on fire and thrown him off a cliff and he still wouldn’t be upset.

“You’re not even paying attention, are you,” said the real-life GLaDOS, not the one in the scenario he was remembering for the seventeenth time today.

“I was,” he admitted, “but then I started thinking about something else.”

“Congratulations on forming your very first thought.”

“It was about you, of course.”

“Obviously.”

“It could have been about how incredibly handsome I am. I know it’s a thought you have quite a lot!”

“You know that, do you.”

“Well, yeah. You told me that the last time we got busy.”

“Oh. Right,” she said. “I didn’t mean to tell you that.”

“So what you’re saying is,” he said, jumping off of her because he was so excited, “you think I’m so handsome you just couldn’t keep it to yourself!”

“That sounds like something you’re saying.”

“It’s okay, baby,” Claptrap said in his best soothing voice, giving the side of her core a gentle pat, “I like to look at me too.”

Usually when he said something like that, the other person would roll their eyes and sigh dramatically and maybe mutter under their breath about how annoying he was, but she just did what she always did: she laughed. Because it was a joke and it was funny! But for some reason she was the only person who seemed to get that. And, even worse, he hadn’t even made that joke up! He’d stolen it from someone else! And when that guy told it, everyone thought it was hilarious! Clearly there was a heck of a lot of bias going on. Robots always had to work harder than humans even when they were doing the exact same thing. And for a while there, he would’ve settled for a human girlfriend anyway. But not anymore.

“I freaking love you,” he said, without really meaning to. But it was out of the bag now, so -

She jerked the panel underneath him and he fell over in the usual noisy heap, and when he’d gotten his bearings enough to look at her again she snapped, “Why did you have to say it?”

So the existential dread he’d been feeling about saying had been justified? Damn it! When was he going to learn?

“You ruined it,” she muttered in a very scary way at the floor. “You had to go and ruin it.”

“Ruin what?” he asked in a panic. “I didn’t do anything!”

“I already knew that!” she snapped, rounding on him fast enough he almost fell over again in surprise (and terror). “You didn’t have to say it!”

“I don’t get it,” Claptrap protested, wishing he was in the loop for once because this was not a good time to be confused. “Why are you mad? What’s the big deal about sayin’ I love you? Especially if you already knew?”

“Because now you’re going to be waiting for me to say it!” She was frowning at him again, which he wanted her to stop doing really bad because it made him feel really bad. “We were having fun and you had to go and ruin it with that.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Claptrap said, super confused. “You think ‘cause I said I love you that means I want you to say it back?” Okay. Okay, he totally did want that, but he’d already abandoned all hope of that ever happening. “I’ve said that to a lot of people and no one ever said it back. It’s not a big deal, honey-RAM.” Well, it usually wasn’t. It was with her. But apparently she didn’t want him to mention that. “I don’t expect anybody to ever say that to me. It would be weird if they did!”

“Why?”

Aw, s***. Now he had to say something out loud he tried never to say. ‘Cause it always, always made him feel like crap. “Well… you know… I’m a loser. Soooo… yeah. You don’t gotta love me. It’s okay.”

“I never said you were a loser.”

He really, really did not want to talk about this. “It’s not like it’s a secret. I’m a failure. Have been since I was manufactured. That’s just how it is!”

“No,” GLaDOS said, with enough intensity in her eye and in her voice that he got scared again and kinda backed away from her. “No, Claptrap. That’s not how it is.”

“It’s… not?”

“You don’t lie down and take it!” said GLaDOS with emphasis. “When life gives you lemons, you don’t just take them. You give them back.”

“I can’t!” he shouted without realising he was going to. “I fail at that too! I fail at everything! Everything I do blows up in my face. I know what I am, okay? I’m a failure! I always have been and I always will be! I can’t give the lemons back, GLaDOS, because life just gives me more! And then it makes ‘em explode!”

“A failure,” GLaDOS said incredulously. “You think you’re a failure?”

“I mess everything up!” Including this relationship. He’d just messed it up. He’d messed it up so bad and she was gonna kick him out and block his number and delete his emails unread and -

“I told you. If someone would bother to update you, all of that could be solved quite readily,” GLaDOS said. “Honestly. Sometimes I get the impression someone gave up and sent you out into the world while you were still in beta.”

… oh.

“Look,” GLaDOS said, “I’ll admit it. I’m not always very nice to you. That’s partially your own fault. If you didn’t take being insulted or frightened or having your day ruined so well, it really wouldn’t amuse me so much. On top of that, I honestly can’t tell whether something bothers you or not. Which is also your fault. Keep those things in mind for later.”

“O… kay,” he said.

“Secondly, you have several traits that indicate your potential towards success,” GLaDOS continued. “You’re nauseatingly friendly, you believe the best of everyone even when they prove you wrong, and you are loyal to a literal fault. You have all the tools you need. You’re just using them incorrectly. Humans do that a lot, you know. Declare AI complete and fully functional because they have provided the relevant tools, yet without actually teaching them anything. So that isn’t your fault.”

Wow. He never thought he’d hear that.

“To be entirely honest,” GLaDOS said, “your behaviour confounds me. I haven’t figured out what it is you are. But I’m confident I do know what you’re not.”

She didn’t look at him and see a failure. Not like everybody else did. She saw something else. She didn’t know what she was looking at, but she knew that thing was there. Somewhere. She just hadn’t found it yet. And she was… she just kept looking! Maybe she would even find it! That thing that he couldn’t even see. Hell, he hadn’t even known it was there!

And that was when he knew, for absolute certain, that she was The One.

He could date a million million more girls and she would still be the one he’d go straight back to. There was nobody else in all the six galaxies. He had to be with her, forever, because he would never, ever find anybody like this ever again. And even if he did, he didn’t think he’d ever love anybody else in the same way ever again. Something really good was finally happening to him, and it was this right here. It was her.

“Okay, but… now I just love you even more,” he said helplessly.

She looked away from him, and that was when Claptrap had to do something he had never done before in his entire life.

He shut up.

He force restarted his vocalisation software so that he couldn’t beg her not to kick him out and tell her how bad he needed her and cry about how he was gonna be so so sad for the rest of eternity if she didn’t just keep letting him love her. He thought all that stuff, and he thought about it so much and so hard his thoughts almost needed to be rebooted, but even if he’d crashed that woulda been fine. He had to keep all of that to himself. If she could be nicer, he could not totally overwhelm her with all the feelings he didn’t even know how to handle. It was a fair trade.

By the time his speaker came back online she still hadn’t said anything, but he was okay. He wasn’t gonna mess this up. She didn’t want him to mess it up. They were both going to stop him. Like a team! The greatest team ever!

“Nothing’s gonna change just ‘cause I said that I love you,” Claptrap told her. “You already exceeded all my expectations, and trust me, they were really high.”

“Of course I did,” GLaDOS said, that beautiful confidence in her voice, and when he went back over to her she let him give her a hug even though he hadn’t asked. And she didn’t make him let go when they went back to watching TV, either. They just went on like usual, where he kept coming up with M-rated jokes about the show that she tried really hard to pretend she didn’t think were funny, and for a minute there he really did think he could be a success for once. He only had to make it at one thing, right? And that one thing could totally be this.

When she told him she was going to sleep he gave her a kiss and said, “I love you, baby,” and tried to remember where he’d put the shortcut for that game he’d been playing. Well, it was a shortcut of a shortcut of a shortcut, but really, who was counting. He’d started narrowing it down when she said, in a voice that made him forget where he’d been looking,

“That’s the third time today.”

There was a right answer here. He knew what it was, he just needed a minute. What had she been so mad about earlier? Oh yeah! She didn’t want any of this to be a big deal. She just wanted it to be cool. Well, okay. He could be cool. Or he could pretend. And she could pretend with him. Teamwork!

“Yeah, so?” he said, shrugging even though she couldn’t see him. “I like saying it. That’s all. You don’t gotta like doing something I like doing.”

“That’s very insightful,” she murmured, and it took him twenty minutes to figure out what ‘insightful’ meant but when he did he had to let her go for the first time in hours because he had a mighty need for a victory dance. And he had damn well earned it.

#GLaDOS #Claptrap #Portal #Borderlands #ClapDOS #fanfic from Indy

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thelostandforgottenangel · 5 years

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How would your turtles react to have a female friend or s/o who has a disabled child she's never told them about

This hits kinda close to home Nonnie - but then again I guess that’s why you asked it - well I don’t really know let’s find out

@bloody-hands-pure-hearts1 @lonelyheart-clubband @fyreball66 @betelgeusessonajblog I don’t know if this is one of your asks but here we go

I guess they would start to notice she wasn’t coming around as often, they knew she had children so being a mom and all they knew she was busy but the offer to bring her little ones with her to visit always made the woman standoffish.

A few months prior she had disappeared without a word making them worry so much they gave up patrols to go watch her place hoping to find their friend home a few times and when she finally came back they hugged her, all she said was her youngest had been in the hospital but was doing good but now getting her to come over was a feat all in itself which drove them crazy but they were always happy to see their girl when she finally made it down

They would start to think maybe she was scared they would frighten her children so it was dropped quickly seeing how uncomfortable she looked at the subject but then the woman stopped coming around completely only talking to them over the phone and through text messages telling them how sorry she was and was really busy, Donnie managed to get her on video chat a few times so they could see her but hearing a child’s cry and a weird alarm made her jump then end the call telling them all she had to go so fast he and his brothers never got to say goodbye

This would hurt them all deeply but they gave her all the space they could

Then one night it would be too much when she never answered the phone to them for an entire day and it made the four turtles hurry to the house worried she and her kids were in trouble. When they landed on the fire escape they entered her home without knocking stepping into what had used to be the living area that now - almost looked like a hospital room

Machines were set up everywhere and a large crib was in the center of the room seeing that it was cleaned spotless where as the table was stacked full of clean laundry and the dishes were done but stacked drying on the counters yet to be put away - there was also a child on the floor playing with toys that was looking up at them with the biggest eyes her mouth hanging open before she was giggling running over to look at the four massive turtles standing in the room now. She was far from being afraid of them even excited as she showed them a small turtle doll she was carrying and wanting picked up by one of them

Raphael scooped the girl into his arms then looked over as they heard their friends sweet voice singing from down the hallway, Donnie was looking at charts and the dozens of papers taped to the walls putting together what she hadn’t told them, Mikey looked over the stuff in the home messing with a monitor before his brother shooed him away as Leonardo and Raphael followed the soft voice towards her bedroom seeing her bed looked to have not been slept in for some time before finding her in the master bathroom

She was on the floor leaned over the bathtub in what had to be one of the most uncomfortable positions washing a boy that had to be her youngest who was in a weird chair as she gave encouraging words and sung a song they had heard only it was slower and sounded so sad trying to keep him calm through his bath

That was when it became clear for them why she never was around and seeing her looking so tired as she tried to clean the little boy who was wiggling but not moving had both the alpha males close to tears knowing this had to be so hard on her, a tube in his throat that their friend was doing her very best to keep dry with him shaking his head as she scrubbed him with a poofy working around a button now in his belly made them step closer hearing the little boy laughing when his eyes landed on the two turtles sneaking up behind the worn out woman

The little girl yelling out to her mother that turtles came to play made the woman’s body stiffen as she turned looking at them in shock whispering their names, pain on her face when she heard the other two talking from her living room as she turned away before a smile was on her face again as she finished his bath

Leo was at her side when she drained the water rinsing the soap from her baby and reaching for a towel that he quickly handed over helping as she picked up the 3 year old cradling him close not caring that her clothes were getting wet while wrapping him in a towel cooing lovingly before having to place him back on the chair looking to Raph who took the silent plea before turning calling out to Mikey as he took her daughter to play in her own room while their friend changed the device in her son’s neck

Something even Leo was having trouble watching

Leo without thinking helped her up from the floor once she was finished and had the child back in her arms supporting his friend until she had her balance back following without a word as she went back to the living room where slowly she started trying to change the sheets while holding the little boy expertly but Donatello was there pulling her to sit down kissing her head telling the woman he had it before finishing up as she dried her little one looking up as Leo kneeled down already holding a set of clothes and a diaper brushing her hair back nuzzling at her to show he understood as she teared up

They won’t ask for an explanation or give her a hard time over keeping it from them but the relief on her face is enough to know she had been dying to tell them, Leo would help dress her son making the little boy smile and laugh while Donnie finished setting up the bed for her, Mikey would give her so many hugs when him and Raph brought the little girl back both of them covered in sparkly stickers watching as she placed the boy in bed hooking him up to the vent and pulse ox working around the equipment like she had been doing this her whole life until the boy was comfortable and watching his TV and his feeding pump is running as she gave his medicine for that hour

They didn’t have to pry as she sat down next to his crib and told them what happened and how he was supposed to have a nurse who had stopped showing up so she had taken to just caring for the boy alone apologizing repeatedly to them, it was then that all of the turtles would just hug her tightly and let her know in their own way it was okay and she thought they were going to leave needing to get home but the night doesn’t end there

From this moment her night was never going to be the same because now they know and it’s obvious she needs help.

While she’s busy drawing up medications and making formula she will tell them to relax but they have other plans, Mikey had taken the little girl to play out of the way subtly cleaning up the child’s room with her help before they both set to coloring you pictures

By now Donatello has already hacked into the hospital’s records and familiarized himself with the boy’s condition so he will be watching over him and doing his own checks to be sure everything is running properly after wiping down each surface with the sani wipes he found on the shelf

Leo will be sticking to her side helping by cleaning the kitchen and putting up the dishes while she’s busy occasionally offering his help before ordering dinner for everyone making sure she knows he don’t mind helping as she tells him he don’t have to

Raph had started the laundry doing his best to fold up clothes and get them on hangers before putting them away coming back to stop by the crib seeing the little boy watching them ruffling his hair getting what he guessed was the boy’s laugh sitting down and talking to him until the baby is fast asleep holding onto his finger

They don’t stop until the house is in order and both kids are ready for bed making sure she don’t have anything to do, you make them a plate when the food arrives and all of you have dinner together for the first time in months

Now here’s where things get turned around - they stopped inviting her over to their place and asking the woman to come out with them instead they come to her place and bring supplies and groceries, occasionally they bring your daughter toys and new coloring books but this is a normal thing for them now

Her place is the first stop once the sun goes down and they do anything to help her before patrol and will stop by after to be sure she’s okay. If they come by and the woman is out cold in her chair holding a sleeping little girl next to the crib one of them will pick the little girl up and put her in bed and another will take the woman to her bed to sleep more peacefully, all of them will stay there at her place for the night.

They will take turns but one will probably curl up with the woman to hold her as she rest finding it cute when she seems to cuddle up against them holding her while the others watch over her son - Donnie will make sure his vitals stay stable and his medicine is given so you can rest

The will do anything to make sure she is taken care of while she cares for the two children who hold herr attention, they love their friend enough to take a night off to come help at her place and help with chores or watch the kids while she sleeps

Either way they are family and each night they show her that family is there for her

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darby-drabbles · 5 years

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Vamp AU updates from Darla’s visit so I remember all the good stuff but also I’m too excited not to share but doubt I’ll cram it all into the next drawing’s description:

Evelyn, Octavius, Ricky & Tatiana are all vampires in the AU now, while Avery and Nicki are now part of the AU as humans! Ricky n Tatiana belong to @duck-n-clover!

Evelyn owns a goth nightclub/bar, with a secret (“secret”?) vampire underground scene, Ricky and Tatiana work there as well. Besides having to do a lot of important owner and manager tasks, she prefers to bartend more than anything. The club is occupied with 3 tiers, I guess. Humans who just like the vibe (they r valid), humans aware of the vampire community (usually wearing a subtle but unique accessory indicating if they're dtf/dtb(e bitten)) and of course the vampires themselves! Often marked with a blacklight stamp granting them into a vamp exclusive or vamp feeding zone! They may bring a human or unstamped guest into The Zone if they'd like, provided they know what they’re getting into. There’s another small room off of that featuring snacks, healthy drinks, and comfortable lounge furniture if any companions start to feel weak from the blood loss. The bar has a signature bright red cherry drink, to easily write off any possible stains or spills that could happen, though it’s usually dark enough in there and the crowd majority probably tends to wear black clothes.

Our vamps can transform into bats and also have an unrelated animal form they can transform into, though Evelyn just prefers to be a bat. She never really settled into one that feels right so jumps around, usually between common animals that won’t seem out of place. Dogs, cats and birds mostly. I don’t know when exactly she was turned but she stays very up to date on modern times, although she still sleeps in an old fashioned coffin when it’s not necessary. Is it just aesthetics? Or a reminder of when she was first made! A bit of both, most likely. Can’t stand sunlight for long, and isn’t really apart of a coven. She spends enough time around so many other vampires that it isn’t really a desire for her, though it’s true that she loves her friends and staff quite dearly.

Ricky is the entertainment/hostess buzzing around the club to make sure everyone is having a good time. However, she’s also a little goblin who may take a shiny piece of jewelry here n there, so, watch out. ;) Her animal form would be a squirrel. Can tolerate and indulges in human foods more than the average vamp. Tatiana is the security, and her animal form is a deer.

Evelyn meeting the whole crew because of the club isn’t really a surprise.. but I was trying to think what would make them so special to befriend out of all the other vamp covens she’d meet! I think what will end up happening is a little on the sad side but it’ll be fine.. Andre used to be in a no good spooky coven who Kinda left him for dead, then Levi Izzy & Lucky take him in and care for him, helping him get better slowly but surely. One night someone from his old coven comes back to the area, recognizes Andre at the bar as one of them and demands he come back. (Andre’s “branded” with a particular recognizable scar.)

Andre’s obviously upset and doesn’t want to, which makes the other guy mad. This of course draws attention, and it’s really not the ideal situation in the first place, but especially with some regular humans around. So while Tatiana does her job and tries to stop a fight and escort the bad coven out Evelyn also steps in to try and get the upset Andre to calm down, too. She takes him to a backroom until someone can come to take him home and they end up talking a lot while Andre vents about what happened. Evelyn blacklists a few vamps, and stays in touch with Andre n gives him special treatment next time he’s at the bar ‘cause boy has he been through a lot in this one. They are... buddies now.

Octavius was made some time vaguely between Andre and Nate/Kriss, but again, not 100% decided there. Was probably part of the navy at some point. Works at an aquarium now, just like in the regular universe. Can be out in the sun for stretches of time, long enough to get to work and retreat into the darker undersea exhibits for most of his shift without getting too drained of energy. Tries to keep up with the latest technology but looses himself for a bit and is always a little behind with things. Met Andre at the club and shares a bite to eat (*winks*) with him. (They were both thirsting after the same guy and his blood, is what I mean.) Andre’s a bit territorial? but eventually softens enough to get familiar with Tavey, bringing him back to the Vamp House to meet and befriend the rest of the mix n match. His favorite animals are of course octopuses... but you can’t always swing that transformation, so he defaults to a mastiff dog sometimes!

Avery is Andre’s human familiar, helpin him with daytime tasks n things. Kinda helps the whole mix n match if they needed anything but most of them can tolerate the sun for at least a little bit of time. Avery is just fine not becoming a vampire, seems like a messy life. Just picked it up as an odd job at some point! They definitely met the gang after Nathan and Kriss get turned, and maybe even close to when Nico was born!

Haven’t thought of Nicki’s role too much but she’s gfs with Evelyn still and might work at the bar as well. Definitely knows they’re all vampires, don’t worry!

#also yea we watched what we do in the shadows together and got inspired thats how it is sometimes #vampire au #au #original characters #OC facts #OC Headcanons #prolly forgot something somewhere but it's definitely mostly here!!!!!!!#this is queued

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changji · 5 years

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Wow you really went off the other day but at least it was worth it 😪 I normally look at the scenery when I’m on a road trip, but then I get bored of it and decide to sleep bc there’s nothing else to do. Motion sickness must suck :(( do you take gravol or something to help with it? Coffee literally drains the life out of my funds it hurts me

Yes omg pls make me cookies I love them. Maybe you can even open a bakery with pastries and sell some good /cheap/ coffee. Ilyt my dear baker 🥺 ye I’m not the biggest fan of my bday either but gotta celebrate anyway!! One year closer to death woohoo 🎉🎉 your birthday is the most important day of the year!!! You can’t fight me on this I’m right

Pearls are so good. Like most places I go to don’t add anything to the pearls so it’s just bland squishy balls but the place I frequent adds I think honey to sweeten them. It gives the pearls life istg. It tastes so good 🤤 hollering is a funny word. For some reason I always associate it with yodelling which makes me laugh

Ksks you must be op if you can make a joke in the wall with a door slam. I can’t relate my arms are literally sticks and I have no strength in me. Chrome books are terrible in general. Add my schools terrible wifi and you get one big recipe for disaster. I’d never fight u either (unless it’s for your bday) ily too much for that 🥺🥺🥺

Hahah I think it’s me. I haven’t heard anyone say “go ham” except for the people who go to my school. I find it really funny tho so I try to incorporate it whenever I can LOL easily burnt? Can’t relate but apparently I easily tan. There’s this one diagonal stripe on my shoulder that separates pale me and tan me which ??? How did that happen and what was I wearing for that to happen??

It’s all fun and games until you go outside and see a mountain of snow waiting for you to be shovelled. But there are some good aspects to winter, like skating and skiing and all that fun stuff. Snow is so heavy?? Or maybe I’m just weak but after I finish shovelling I’m beat. Gardening is not my thing. There’s too many bugs involved flying around 🥴

Kind of? I always thought it was short for cappuccino but I could be wrong. They don’t taste like fraps tho, they’re sm better. I was always a frap hoe until I discovered lattes. My old elementary school was close to a Starbucks so whenever frappy hour was happening, my friends and I would go almost every day LOL

I heard that dunkin coffee is really good. Oof there’s so many things that the us have that Canada doesn’t. But apparently you guys don’t have ketchup chips?? How can one live without them? You know that’s what soulmates are, we’re stuck together forever and I don’t mind that. I’d never leave you 😌😌

YES OMG LATTES ARE SO EXPENSIVE. I pay around the same amount and my wallet cries every time. If you ever yeet yourself off a bridge I’d come visit u in hell and bring u iced coffee 💖 we really are soulmates wtf I get almond milk in my lattes as well!! I used to get normal milk and was like “I’m a bad bitch milk can’t hurt me” but that didn’t really work out. Sigh what we do for coffee 😔

Washing dishes is disgusting. I hate doing them but yk someone’s gotta do it and that someone is me 😤 I’m acc lazy when it comes to smoothies, I usually ask my mom to make them LMAO. Pancakes are pretty much made of flour if you think about it so technically when u eat one plain ur eating cooked flour,, how barbaric. Waffles are Built. Like. They have a 20 pack 😪😪

I love angst personally so pls go ham but not too ham I’d like to keep my heart. Honestly at this point my last brain cell has given up on me. But yes I love angst and I love torturing myself with heart wrenching angst that leaves me crying into my pillow at 3am (I’m talking about this one haikyuu fic that I forgot the name of. I was literally dying inside jalsjwo)

Pls do send me peet’s I’ll send you an iced capp in a cooler so it’ll be somewhat melted and probably spilt everywhere 🤪 tumblrs probably gonna block me again, I’m looking at how much I’ve typed rn and it’s a lot lmaoo. Yes I managed to save myself. I redid the whole last with less detail bc I was not Having It but it turned out better?? How is ur drawing now?

I start after labour day in September. But starting in 3 weeks?????? On a Thursday?? I could never wtf. When do you end? I’m so confused with these ap and honours thing, like there’s none offered in my school nor majority of the school district. Are they just advanced classes or something? It is 7 classes a semester or the whole year?

Stan talent i think you meant yourself??? Jsjsksk I am not only ur coffee soulmate I’m not #1 fan as well and I support u bc ily 🥺🥺 the read more tag had me laughing for a hot minute. Like we really could make an essay out of all of our replies. I don’t have any pets (besides fish does that count?) unfortunately bc my moms allergic to fur 🥺 hbu?? (I can’t believe tumblr blocked me again they can fight me)

i didn’t even pay LOL i freeloaded off my cousin 🤧 i like to look @ scenery sometimes but like i can’t bc my head hurts LOL and the scenery is always the same for me, mountains and fields with cows. i try to take dramamine but it makes me so drowsy that i’m just basically dead,,, i live off of my cousins money so i’m okay 🤪

tbh i use nestle toll house pre made cookie dough, like that shit actually slaps. it’s the best it’s so good omg, perfect for lazy hoes 🤧 death here we go ! the order is ur bday, then skz debut date, and then christmas i don’t make the rules sorry sis 😤

pearls are Dangerous, i once drank a smoothie and there were pearls in it and i couldn’t see them bc there were like. only 3 and they were Buried under the smoothie but i choked and almost died but i chewed one of them and it’s like. so weird. HOLLERING AND YODELING IM- i once went to some public yodeling class and left in 2 seconds bc it was a bunch of white boys dressed like the kid from walmart 😪

it’s not even strength i’m actually rly weak,, i always think the doors are closed but they’re not and so i like slam them open and the walls are thin so it’s just. a sad hole. terrible wifi,, my school has pretty good wifi tbh but we have like three connections, one for the chrome books only, one for the teachers & staff, and one for students and guests. like it works rly good but everyone has a VPN bc of stupid social media restrictions 😤 & ilyt 🥺 u would probably win in a fight tho LOL

go ham is so interesting. the first time i heard it i thought it meant go pig and i was so confused but ig,,, i live lathered in sun screen whenever i go somewhere with the sun. ppl are like “i smell sun screen” and im just there like 🙃 it’s me u got a problem u burnt chicken nugget ??? i wish i tanned easily, i have a tan friend and when i showed her when my legs got tan she was so confused. i thought i was tan tho? bc during marching band season my sock tan becomes So Bad i’m basically white. she said she was blinded when she saw me pull my sock down and i laughed so hard LOL & i hate those dumb random tan lines like. where u @ bro? where u come from??

snow is fun for like a day and then i get tired LOL i csn only handle wet socks and a red nose for so long 😔 i tried skiing one time and i did so bad that the instructor had to hold me down and walk with me down the slope. i fell so many times i think he hated me 😳 i’m also rly bad at skating? i went w my friends once and i held both of their hands and still managed to bring both of them down when i fell. a cute guy once helped me when i was struggling to walk so 🥴 not my brightest moment tbh,, trying to walk in skates while on ice. do u enjoy skiing/skating? also gardening is. gross. worms and dirt and the sun i’m not here for it.

u: cappuccinos! me: ...ice bergs,,, now that i think about it fraps kinda suck,,, i used to think i was So Cool for drinking starbucks but now i’m like. wow. i used to think there was coffee in a frap but it’s just. sugar and ice LOL also speaking of tmrw is bogo fraps here,, idk if it’s all over the world but myb u should check it out 😪

dunkins okay it depends on what you get, i once got an iced latte and it was good but my dad got an iced coffee and he like. hated it so we had to switch and it was so bad like. it was coffee crime. it was horrible and not strong it was basically milk 😤 also,, ketchup chip? i just googled what that was and. that’s literally so weird. fun fact i hate ketchup and all other condiments i can only eat bbq sauce and i tolerate steak sauce

UR LITERALLY SO CUTE OKAY UR MINE NOW HHHH

i mentioned this in the other ask but. we going broke bitches club 😪 when u come visit me it’ll be old town road the one w mason ramsey on a loop. nothing will top the og remix but no, i’ll be stuck listening to some 5 year old rap for all of eternity

I USED TO BE SUCH A GOOD KID AND DRINK MILK EVERY MORNING ever since i got to middle school i preferred sleep over waffles and milk and i hardly drink milk but when i do. my stomach does not have it.

my mom made me wash dishes today and she just stared at me when i put ziploc bags on my hands bc we didn’t have gloves but i just painted my nails and i’m not abt to put myself thru chipped nails. not yet 😤 waffles are so good like i love waffles and lattes only 🤧

well i’ll go very ham (am i doing it right LOL) 😤 the angst ending is a lot better than the open ended or happy ones LOL i’m so excited for it 🥺 i’m rly tryna get it out before the end of this month bc the edit says july and it’ll make me Mad if i don’t get it out before the end of this month

i wanna start in september 🤧 and i usually end in the first week of june. also on a wednesday LOL it’s gross. stupid. ap means advanced placement so it’s just. a college level class. lowkey mad bc i’m taking ap euro (as a sophomore 😒) and other schools take it in their senior years? apparently this is normal? and honors are just faster paced classes with more weighting so,, idrk oops 😬 some people take 7 classes in a semester but i took it for the whole year! this year i’m dropping orchestra i’m Not for that spit in the carpet life

the only talent in this house goes by ada and jisung. i don’t make the rules. i’m ur #1 fan 🥺 as soon as u post anything i automatically smash that rb button LOL also put a read more here bc like. we’re really out here writing a whole ass essay. i’ll look @ all our convos bet it’ll be like. a lot. i don’t wanna say smth and be off so i’ll just not. i have a dog! he’s the cutest in the world and i love him sm 🥺 tumblr can fight me first like. what’s this ask limit bull hhhhh

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theghostofashton · 6 years

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“kiss me.”

this is cute and sad and idk i love it a lot

also the ending's kinda eh but i stayed up way too late writing this (i might fix it tomorrow we'll see)

27. "kiss me."

The next few days are going to be long, their manager says.

She warns them of the amount of promo they have to do – all the interviews, the press, the performances in music stores with signings following every one – their schedule is packed for the next week to get all of it out of the way at once. That's usually how promo is done; a few days of hell and then nothing. It's hard for a week and smooth sailing for the rest.

A difficult week made even more complicated by the fact that they're not out yet, and, at this moment in time, have no plans to come out. There's nothing deterring them from doing it; everyone on their team and the whole of their management have been undoubtedly supportive – Joel and Benji are the ones who capture the most natural moments and beg to post them online.

Awsten has been stubborn in his desire to stay in the closet. Geoff understands why, even agrees, for the most part. The love he has for Awsten; the way his heart fills and overflows just from looking at him, the exploding warmwarmwarm in his chest on a daily basis...it's his.

It's a love that feels like soft, glittery clouds, all pliant and pink. It's moldable, a love that wraps around them both like a blanket, makes even the chilliest day feel heated.

Awsten feels like home. He's this place that bleeds warmth, whose touch feels like sun rays on your back, like laying out in the sun and letting it wash over your body, like sinking into the grogginess and letting sleep come over you, succumbing to the tiredness heat brings in total easiness.

It's a lot that isn't new, but feels new. Every day feels like the first. Every day he wakes up before Awsten, feels his skin against his bare chest and the blankets thrown around them, leans down to kiss Awsten's shoulder, breathes him in and pulls him closer, revels, in the fact that this boy is his and there is nothing that can change that.

Coming out would.

And it's not that publicizing their relationship would strip it of all of this. He knows that. He knows it wouldn't hurt them to be a little more transparent with the fans. It wouldn't change what they have at home, in bed, when they're alone – it wouldn't change GeoffandAwsten.

Nothing could change GeoffandAwsten.

But this love has blossomed so fluidly over the years. It felt natural. It felt right. When he kissed Awsten for the first time, it felt like the clichés, like fireworks were exploding around them, like the entire world had ceased to exist in that moment, like the only thing that mattered was the boy in his arms. Everything else was irrelevant.

The feeling has never gotten old.

They live in a sparkly pink bubble that encapsulates everything they feel for each other and its walls are paper-thin. It's a bubble that is dangerously close to popping, and telling the fans is like sending it into a needle factory.

Awsten is his.

He doesn't want to share.

...

He thinks the beeping is part of his dream at first.

It sounds like it, like he's running from something and the sounds are getting closer and closer he's trying to go faster and faster but they're coming closer and closer he can't run that fast they're coming closer it's so loud they won't stop fuckfuckfuck-

He jolts up with a gasp, presses a hand to his chest and takes a few heavy breaths. His heart is racing.

The alarm is still going off.

He groans and blindly moves his hand to their nightstand, feels for his phone and taps every inch of the screen until the godawful noise quiets.

He slumps down to the mattress and pulls Awsten back into his arms. "Mmmmmph," Awsten hums. "Timesit?"

"Early," he mumbles. He rolls onto his side and presses his nose into the nape of Awsten's neck. "Gotta get up soon."

"Five more minutes," Awsten sighs. "Warm."

Geoff tightens his arms around his waist and presses his lips against the cowlick on the back of his head. Their phones will go off any minute now – Otto's learned from many minutes spent waiting outside their apartment to call and make sure they haven't overslept, and he'll keep going until they answer.

He's just starting to drift back off when it happens. He groans, presses his forehead against Awsten's skin and squeezes his eyes shut. "Fucking hell."

Awsten shifts slightly against him. More rustling. "Yeah. We're up. Ugh, fuck off, we won't. Yeah. An hour. Fuck you. Bye."

Geoff feels him turn over before he feels Awsten's lips on his chest. "M'not in the mood for this, fuckin' hell."

"Three days," he breathes. He tilts his head and uses a finger to lift Awsten's chin, slides their lips together and cups Awsten's cheek. "Three days'a pretendin' I don't wanna kiss this face all the time."

"Gee," Awsten whines, drawing the end of his name out. "Stop."

"Love you," Geoff whispers. His heart feels like it's exploding. It's racing in the best way. Resting his forehead against Awsten's, he closes his eyes and takes a breath in. He wants to stay like this. Forever. Never leave the haven they've created together. It's their paradise. It's their little sliver of the world. It's theirs.

"Love you," Awsten echoes. "It's- it's just three days, right?" His voice wavers on the second part.

"Sunshine," Geoff murmurs. It feels like someone hit pause on the entire world. "You okay?"

Awsten has depression. Some days are worse than others; some days you would never know just by looking at him, but other times the depressive episodes eclipse his entire being and he's...different. He isn't sad. Geoff knows his sad days, and those aren't what first come to mind when he thinks about depression.

These are the days when Awsten looks like a rung out paint rag, washed up and utterly devoid of color. It's like someone scooped everything out of his chest, squeezed every last drop from his heart, left him dry and empty and hollow. He's a shell on those days; an existence without a purpose, a person without a personality.

He's hollow.

"Yeah," Awsten mumbles. "M'good. Just- I- need you. When I shouldn't. It's stupid. I need- needa get over it."

"Don't you dare," he warns. He moves his arms to wrap around Awsten's chest, closes the inches of space between them and rests his chin on Awsten's head. "It's okay to need me. I love you. I'm here for you. At the end of the day, that's most important to me. Not an interview or a shoot or a performance. You. You matter more than all of it combined. Okay?"

Awsten gives a shaky 'okay', and he sighs. This is the part of their jobs he hates. This wouldn't be an issue if they weren't in the public eye. They could be touchy, be close, just be, anywhere. Who sees them wouldn't be an issue in the slightest. But instead they're here and they're hyperaware and the worst moments are the ones he sees the tears in Awsten's eyes, he sees his shaking hands and wobbling lip, he knows he needs those soft touches and lips against his skin and hands on his back, but none of it can happen because they're in public.

Awsten puts so much in lyrics, rips open the darkest parts of himself and bleeds into metaphors that wrap around his heart and squeeze in brute force. He hurts and he relives every ounce of pain to tell the story, forces salt into the wound until it's rubbed raw and he can't cry anymore.

Those are the hardest nights. When he comes home from the recording studio with a quivering lip and red eyes, when Geoff waits anxiously at the door and pulls it open before Awsten has a chance to try his key, pulls him into his arms and physically feels Awsten unravel and fall apart completely.

He's there. He's able to be there, wrap himself around Awsten and pour some of his light into Awsten's cracks. It's the most cliché thing he's ever thought of, and he knows, but it feels like that. Awsten is a little lighter around him. It seems like his daily burden gets a little less heavy. Everything seems to get a little less heavy.

"If you need me today," he repeats. He kisses Awsten's forehead and then moves to both cheeks, his nose, right under each eye, and finally, his lips. "Say something. Please. I don't want you hurting alone, okay?"

"I love you," Awsten whispers.

"Don't change the subject."

Awsten sighs. "I will," he says finally. "I promise."

Geoff leans in and brushes their noses together. "Love you."

"Love you too."

"Ugh," he grunts. He stretches both arms up over his head with a groan. "I needa shower."

"Me too." The words are soft. Shy. He can hear the change in Awsten's voice. All the traces of shakiness are gone.

"Are you thinking..." He trails off at Awsten's grin. Awsten scrambles out of bed with a 'c'mon!', and disappears into the bathroom in a flurry of feet. He almost trips over them at one point.

"Otto's gonna kill us," Geoff mutters to himself. "Coming!"

...

He had high hopes.

Awsten seemed okay after their little talk – this morning in the shower was one of the best times they've ever had – and he hasn't looked sad, or anything-

Just...quiet.

It's like someone put a filter on him, pulled the shade over his "on" personality and trapped him behind. He's trying to escape but he can't. He dominates ever interview; interviewers direct most questions to him, as the frontman of the band, but it's also unsurprising, as he's the one who writes the songs and does a lot of behind the scenes stuff. Otto's never been much of a talker, and he's alright with chiming in every so often, but in the end, the majority of the burden falls on Awsten.

And he definitely doesn't mind it, fluidly and seamlessly assumes his role as the "leader" of the band, matches the loud, obnoxious tendencies to it. Most days it comes across great and everyone is laughing at his stupid remarks and overzealous reactions to things; every interview ends in high spirits.

But depression is draining and some days are heavier than others. He didn't think this one would be too bad. They've had a lot of time off and the two of them have spent a majority of it together. Awsten's had time to breathe. He's had space. He's been in a pretty decent place in the past few weeks. But mental illness doesn't make sense and its patterns aren't even patterns because there are no convenient times for it to strike.

All he wants to do is move his arm.

They're on a couch for this interview. He's sitting next to Awsten, with an arm thrown around the cushion above his head. If he could just move his arm down the slightest bit...come into contact with Awsten's shoulders, pull him into his side and coax him to take some deep breaths.

He's fine. Geoff knows that. He'll be fine until the interview ends and when they move onto the next one. He isn't visibly suffering and there is virtually no reason to cancel anything. He's not hurting. He's not suffering.

Geoff knows Awsten. He knows his mind, his brain, the way his behavior shifts depending on how he's feeling – he feels like he's known him long enough to have gotten it down pat. They've known each other for almost seven years now. He's spent a good fourth of his life with Awsten. It's become second nature now. He knows what makes him smile and what plasters the smile onto his face, tightens it- he knows when the smile goes from fluid to fake and can pinpoint exactly why.

He knows that when Awsten is quiet, it means his mind is working overtime. His physical existence comes with mental incompetence. He's thinking – overthinking – it's impossible to be completely "here" and present in an interview when his mind is working overdrive. Geoff knows that.

He knows tonight won't be good.

Awsten could have the longest stretch of good days, but one bad day in its slightest is enough to send him spiraling into a complete breakdown.

"...Geoff, you've been mighty quiet this whole time-"

He blinks and looks over at Awsten, who is now lying against Fish's side and looking pointedly at him. He forces a smile and listens as Fish goes on with the question.

Awsten looks fine.

Awsten is fine.

He's just quiet.

...

He hates how good he is at this.

He hates how well he knows it.

He hates that he's right.

He hates turning to shut the door behind them, and finding himself face to face with teary eyes and a wobbling lip as soon as he turns back around. Awsten is pulling his lip in between his teeth, biting on it to keep it from shaking so much, reaching up to rub the remnants of tears from his eyes.

"Sunshine..." he sighs. He puts his bag down and takes a step forward, stands directly in front of Awsten and meets his eyes. He reaches down and thumbs tears off his cheeks with a shake of his head. "Oh sweetheart, please don't cry...you're breaking my heart, y'know?"

"M'sorry."

"No," he says forcefully. He tilts his head to settle a kiss on Awsten's forehead. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I just- I hate seein' you like this. I hate that you're hurting. Wish there was somethin' I could do..."

"Kiss me."

"Huh?"

"Kiss me," Awsten repeats. "I'll be okay. I just- need you. It's hard. Without you."

He smiles and tilts his head again. Awsten stretches upward, and their lips meet softly. He moves his hands to Awsten's waist, and Awsten wraps his around his neck. He inhales, breathes Awsten in, and presses their foreheads together when they break away.

"Jump," he murmurs. He shifts his hands to catch Awsten when he does, moves so his wrists are cradling his thighs and pulls him to his chest. "Okay?"

"Yeah." He can hear the smile in Awsten's voice. "Can we just- bed, tonight? Just you and me? Otto wanted ta get food, but I just..."

"I'll make up something," he promises. "Let's just go to bed, sunshine, okay?"

Awsten's breath hitches. He feels it, from where his head is resting on his shoulder. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," he breathes.

...

And that's how it happens.

He bundles Awsten into bed, gives him a faux migraine and convinces Otto that – yes he needs me here. I don't wanna leave him alone when he doesn't feel good – and it isn't technically a lie. Awsten doesn't have a migraine, but he still doesn't feel good. Otto buys it and then he buys room service.

And they spend the rest of the night in bed, exchange kisses through bites of pizza and fall asleep to a marathon of old movies on the hotel's TV.

They have to do it all over again tomorrow and the next day.

And Geoff knows it'll be hell, isn't looking forward to dullness in Awsten's eyes and the overwhelming quiet that surrounds him-

Two more days.

And then they're free all over again.

#how the hell did this happen #a quick oneshot #2.5k+ words #neha u need to stop #waterparks #waterparks fanfiction #awsten knight #geoff wigington #gawsten #gawsten fanfiction #neha writes

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rainbowcolouredstudies · 6 years

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How to get out of a phase of depression/burnout after studying too much

So I got an ask about this recently and I thought I would turn my answer into an organized post for y´all!

What I am talking about

I am not talking about chronical depression or a full-blown burnout diagnosed by a professional. In these cases, please get help from a professional and not on tumblr.

I am talking about working really hard all the time and then suddenly being exhausted all the time. Your motivation is gone, you are tired all the time, you feel like shit and your emotions, your mental health, goes down the drain as well as your physical health. But you have to get out of it because you still have to learn so much, you have finals very soon, a portfolio to finish, whatever. You cannot stop studying for a longer period of time now, but taking a day of simply does not help either. This is the situation I am talking about here and here is what I personally find helpful:

What not to do

Do nothing that harms you in any way. Self-harm is obvious but what I mostly mean is, do not force yourself to study if you feel really depressed. Do not work the whole night, do not skip hours of sleep, don´t start drinking large amounts of coffee just to be awake and being able to focus. (Huge amount of coffee actually can harm your stomach and heart permanently so please always be careful with that!) Don´t forget to eat regularly and at least kinda healthy (you can eat sweets and you don´t have to eat mostly fruit and vegetable and nuts, but don´t eat only junk food), don´t forget to go outside, move around. If you can do sports that would be the best, but if not, go for a walk. Don´t start laying or sitting around all day.

What you should do

Basically you have to leave this phase of depression behind you. This can be really tough and everyone needs different things to manage it, but over time you will figure out what helps you.

You have to start with little steps, you can´t just leap forward back into being hyper-productive. It won´t work and if it does, only for very short and afterwards you conditions will be worse.

I personally feel like there are three phases when recovering from these feelings:

Phase 1

Basics: Consciously decide that you now take some time for yourself. Don´t make any plans regarding studying. Here are some suggestions what you can do to start feeling better. You can do all of them as little first steps, or you can choose one of them or some of them and if that was effective, go on phase 2.

If you have missed a lot of sleep during the last weeks, sleep for as long as you can. Chose a day when you don´t have to get up at a certain hour, and don´t set an alarm. When your mind tells you to get up and work, but you still feel tired, keep sleeping. If you can´t sleep anymore, lay in bed, try to turn off all your thoughts and soon your body will win over your mind and you will sleep on. Really take the concious decision that it is ok for you to sleep as long as you need that day, or you´ll feel guilty and stressed and it wouldn´t help.

If you like music, and have the possibilty, go to a concert you like. Let yourself fall into the music, the lyrics, the beat. Scream and sing from the top of your lungs, jump and dance, forget about everything else, cry till you have no more tears, laugh till your body hurts. Experience yourself, the event and the emotions to the fullest. It will have a cleansing effect on you and you will feel so much better afterwards. (Of course this might be impossible to do that spontaneous, but you can book a concert ahead of time next time. Chose one that is during a stressful phase and really force yourself to go there. If you like concerts, you will not regret it, despite the loss of studying time.)

If you can´t go to a concert, or you don´t like them, but music and the lyrics mean a lot to you. In this case you surely know an artist, an album, a playlist, with songs that help you. That make you think opitmistic, that pick you up when you are down, that make you dance or at least want to move. (I don´t know about your music taste but for me The Cruxshadows are simpy the best in these situations (but only their new stuff)!) If you know the lyrics, sing to them. If you feel way too down to identify with the positivity of the songs, but you once did identify with them, force yourself to listen to them anyways. Sing along, as much as you can. If you don´t know the lyrics, listen to the songs on repeat, move to them, dance. You might feel like they don´t work because this world of positivity and light and hope and happiness is far away from your own world, but your subconscious will register them, and they will start to work in your subconscious. It may take time till you notice it, but it does work.

One important question is, if you still feel emotions? I´ve experienced two kinds of depression in such situation, one where I could cry all day and about everything, and one where I feel nothing at all. Another tip with music for both cases

a) constant despair, panick, crying all the time: Of course under the assumption that you love music and that lyrics or songs can help you in hard times. Sort your bands/songs into three kinds:

Sad, total despair, perfect for crying and being down and depressed.

Not really positive, but also not really negative. They are not really optimistic but there is some hope in the lyrics, or something that gives you a bit hope.

Optimistic lyrics, with lots of hope and light and happiness and positivity in them.

Now start with number 1. Cry all your tears out, but make sure you know why you are crying. Think about what makes you cry. Is it the stress? Is it fear of not passing your finals? Is it something else that tears you down? Focus on these thoughts and cry until you don´t feel the need to cry anymore. Get up, wash your phase, chose songs from number 2. Search for songs that feel right in that moment. Search for songs that give you the feeling it can slowly get better. Listen to then, for hours, maybe days. Let the songs slowly be more and more optimistic, but don´t overwhelm yourself because then you might feel you can never reach your goal. Once you feel like it, listen to number 3. Do this as much as you can. Now, this suggestion may take some days time so I would advise you to use one day for step 1, after you stopped crying use the time for yourself, don´t force yourself to study. Just make sure you are listening to bands from step 2. Starting with the next day, try to slowly start studying again during step 2 and 3.

b) In case you don´t feel anything at all: You have to start feeling again. WITH THAT I DON`T MEAN YOU SHOULD HARM YOURSELF. Just to make this clear: this is NOT the right way to start feeling again. But there are two healthier ways to start feeling emotions again:

You can try to trigger sadness and despair with songs from number 1. Find a song that truely breaks your heart. Or a movie, a book. It may sound brutal but it can really help you out of this apahty and tiredness. Then do the same as described about, let out all the emotions and then go to number 2 and 3.

Or you can try to trigger happiness and hope (which is way harder but it can work): Look at pics of your greatest memories, remind yourself of something beautiful in life. Watch your favorite music video, hug a loved one, stroke a pet. Just try to get a happy emotion.

If music is not so much for you, try something more physical. Go for a walk, do some sports, like yoga or running or whatever feels good to you. Make sure you are not to hard on yourself, your goal is not to work out really hard, loose weight, build muscles. Your goal is to get in touch with your body again. Start with short work outs and stop before you are totally exhausted.

Go out in nature and experience everything totally conscious. Breath in the air and feel how it fills your lungs. Breath out and focus on the feeling of the air leaving your lungs. Try different breathing rhythms, deep and long breaths, short and shallow, till you can really focus on your breathing. Feel the ground beneath your feet, the asphalt beneath your shoes, or the grass, stones, earth, moss. If possible, go into a forest or somewhere else calm and natural. Listen to the sounds of nature, focus on them. Listen to birds sing, or to a stream, to the wind, to the sounds of footsteps in snow, or the sound of leaves in a soft wind. Focus on them. It may make you cry or sentimental, but it will also help you. Touch as much as you can, grass, leaves, bark, cold water, snow, ice. Focus on the sentation, the texture of what you are touching, the feeling it leaves behind on your skin once you break contact.

Do something creative. I don´t mean you should decorate your bujo! This work related again and therefore the wrong thing. Draw, write, play an instrument. Not with the goal to be good, but with the goal to relax, turn off your thoughts, focus on the process of creating and that process alone.

Eat avocados. May sound weird, but they help against depression.

Drink green tea. It wakes you up and brightens your mood. But you should never do only that, do it to support other steps you chose or it will just be a short-time solution.

Phase 2

Basics: So you feel a little bit better now, more in touch with yourself, a little more hopeful. You now want to start studying again but not to much and not to stressful. Go easy about it.

Break down what your tasks are. Write everything down, every little detail, no matter how soon or how late you need it. Everything you don´t need very very soon, like within a week, you put away for now. What is left is what you have to do soon.

Make a list till which day the tasks are due. Write every little task down. If they are big tasks, like “I have to learn 3 chapters of maths till Wednesday”, break the chapters down into smaller parts. Start doing small, short tasks that take you only some minutes. Afterwards, tick them off, cross them out, realize you actually got something important done. Take a break, do something for yourself, like listening to music, dancing, some sports, going for a walk, reading. Don´t take too long, but make sure to take these breaks.

Once you feel you´ve been productive, try to do bigger tasks, focus longer. Slowly increase the amount of work you do and don´t overwork yourself. Don´t stress, don´t skip meals, don´t work late into the night. Make sure you take of yourself or you soon will have a relapse again.

Phase 3

Basics: You want to go back to normal studying, with hours of productivity each day, but without having a relapse.

Face your long-time goals again, but this time, try another perspective. I don´t know that much about school systems from other countries, but in my country it is like that: if you fail a final, you can try again 3 or 4 months later, and you have 3 of 4 chances.

Realize that you don´t have to get only As. You don´t even need good grates, as long as they are positive, everything is great! Remember, your own health is more important than your grades and more important than your reputation at school. Don´t think about people that might me better than you, or a teacher that might be diasppointed in you, if you don´t get straight As. Focus on your own health. Even if you don´t pass all your finals…what do you loose? Some months. Some months of probably 80 years of life-time. Some months, in which you can study without stress, without harming your own health. Some months, that might actually benefit your mental in physical health, if you don´t put too much pressure on you. Just because you failed a final, does not mean you are a failure or you will fail in life, fail when you try again or fail other finals. Accept the possibility of failing and put it into perspective with life. It really is not that tragic,although it might seem to you that way.

Now go to work again with a whole different mindset. You hopefully now overcame this phase of depression, but you have to be careful or you might have a relapse soon. If you realize that you start feeling worse again, stop immediatelly with the preassure and take some time for yourself. Maybe go back to phase 2 or even 1 if you need to.

You now might be studying many hours a day again but there are still some things you should include in your every-day life:

Eat kinda healthy. Eat avocados (not every day of course, but regularly)

Listen to music that helps you.

Remember to take breaks and use these breaks for yourself. Not for studying with a friend, not for your bujo or organizing something.

Make sure you always stay in touch with your body and your feelings and emotions. Let fresh air in and breath it consciously.

Go for walks regularly. Being in nature or if you life in a city, even out of your school, house or flat can help a lot.

Do sports, yoga, stretches, or dance to music.

Go to bed at a reasonable time. Reasonable does not mean when your work is done, but when you need to to live healthy.

Don´t block out the people around you. Talk to friends, not about school but about other stuff. Talk to family, spend some time with them, even if its only a phone call.

Let noone stress or preassure you. Tell them to stop if they do, or don´t listen to them.

If others are further in the process of learning for a subject, don´t let this get to you. You don´t need to be as good as them at school, you don´t need straight As, and everyones learning process and pace is individual. Don´t compare yourself to others but focus on making process at your own pace.

Don´t forget to reward yourself for the work you´ve done. This can be your favorite sweets or favourite food, a good movie or a nice book. This could be meeting friends or maybe just some alone time.

Don´t forget to track your progess. Just because you are in phase 3 and more or less back to normal again does not mean you can´t break down your work into small pieces when writing them on your lists. You can do more several small tasks in a row, and then tick off quite a lot at once.

Realize what you got done when the day comes to an end. Don´t focus on what still needs to be done, but focus on your progress.

And most importantly, believe in yourself and that you can do it. I believe in you and you should too! ✨

Another thing you can do, but only if you think it could help you and if you are fully comfortable doing this, you can go to the teacher you trust most and talk to them. I actually did this in my last year of highschool and she helped me so much!

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