#And I can't stress enough how sad I am that we won't be having classes for the next two months

[niksu-agassi]

I passed my final exam for the first trimester of Korean & now I feel numb. We won't be continuing until 13th of January and I'm praying that my 서강 한국어 textbook & workbook arrive soon so I can keep practicing my reading, writing & speaking skills.

[astriiformes]

Having one of those weeks where I'm fighting my brain and my brain is winning, and it's hard not to feel a little depressed about it.

I'm excited about my classes this semester but they're definitely going to be more work. And I'm already struggling with motivation and still don't have a lot of good solutions, so it's all too easy to despair. I'm trying to get ahead of it and made an appointment with an academic skills coach at school, but I don't know how much they can help me with when the real problem is my out-of-control ADHD. Not to mention the anxieties it leaves me with about my future.

I still have no idea what I'm going to do after I graduate and it's starting to hit me really hard. I'd like to go to grad school, but I don't know if I can do it, or if I can uproot us from our support system like that, or if it's the right choice for actual employment prospects. But thinking about giving up on it makes me miserable. And my anxiety about all this is starting to bleed into my daily life at school, too, which is only making me feel worse.

Money is not good. I'm definitely overworking myself to try to make up for it, but we are not in a good place financially and I'm starting to beat myself up every time I pay for anything, but especially stuff that's non-essential. I just about made myself cry today thinking about nabbing a ticket for the Mountain Goats concert here this spring because I have friends going and it'd make me happy but is it really worth it?* When it comes down to it, I am just not getting enough financial aid to support two people and have eaten through almost all my savings trying to make it work, which only makes me more stressed about having something better lined up when I graduate. Except I don't think I will. Which is really bad.

*Please do not offer to help me pay for it. I think Dys the OCD demon would physically attack me if someone tried to buy me something frivolous because of a tumblr vent post.

I'm also just... questioning every social interaction I have, online and off. Turning them around in my head over and over and trying to figure out if I misstepped or misspoke or made someone upset, even when there's no real reason to think I did. It's exhausting, and I know it's indicative of larger problems but it's also just making me feel like my current floundering is impacting my relationships, too.

I don't know. I've been feeling weird and sad the last few days and I can't think of any real ways to stop feeling weird and sad, especially when money is tight and I feel like I'm fumbling every social interaction, making good distractions harder to come by. I hope the semester goes okay, but I'm getting pretty worried it won't. And I'm tired of the future being something that makes me feel sad and scared instead of hopeful things will get better.

[azsazz]

Kind of a personal question so feel free to ignore it but have u ever dated anyone? What was ur first relationship like?

Oooh getting deep I see.

Sooooo, this is actually like not a great story...and i basically just word vomited my life on here 😅

TW: mentions of poor mental/physical health, cancer

Yeah, I've only been in one relationship and it lasted for 3 years (too long) lol.

It was great at the start. I'd met him when I went away for college and we were friends which is what I liked the most. We met at a karaoke bar my school had that my friends and I would go to every Thursday night and so would he and his friends so we all kind of became this large group that did that almost every week.

And it was my first relationship ever you know so I was all dumb and head over heels and the whole thing was just a mess looking at it now. My family and friends didn't like him and I became a terrible friend because I would basically spend all of my time with him and not them, so when we broke up I had like no friends of my own because we would only hang out with his friends and that's a whole other mess I won't get into haha.

But basically we were together and things just got worse and worse. He was very jealous and overbearing, had to know where I was and what I was doing all of the time and when we first got together he would tell me what he was doing all of the time and I'd be like okay? I don't need (or care) to know what you're doing all of the time, that was just a natural thing for him I guess. So then he conditioned me to basically be the same way and it was awful and I hated it.

Eventually, things were so stressful. I'd gained so much weight and I was deeply unhappy. All of my relationships were strained and I had no one to turn to. If we fought I'd basically have nowhere to go if I needed time to get away. He chased me down in his car once when all I wanted was some space to think.

Towards the end of our relationship I was literally the most miserable person ever. I hated everything and I started feeling even worse. I got a cold around my 22nd birthday and then that turned into something much worse. I kept getting sicker and sicker and I had no idea why. The doctors I went to thought I had an ear infection, then bronchitis, then that again. They just kept giving me medication for things that weren't helping.

I'd be freezing cold at night but wake up sweatier than ever.

And one day I literally just blurted out during a fight that we should just break up and then we did.

I lost like 30 pounds in a week but was sicker than a dog and I thought it was just because I was sad or whatever and I went to a therapist who literally said to me "Why are you so negative?" I'll never forget that. like lady i'm here to tell you about my problems what fucking part of that is positive?

Like legit I could barely go to class because I was so sick, I had no motivation to do anything. I'd go to class, come home, and go to bed. I barely even did homework because I had no energy.

I visited my brother at his school which was five hours from mine and my parents were there visiting him for a weekend and by the end when it was time for me to drive myself back I started bawling my eyes out and pleading to my parents that i didn't want to because I felt so awful it was the last thing I wanted to do.

Fast forward to thanksgiving break, i went to see another doctor in my hometown because I was still sick (so it started september and it was now november) and she said lets wait a few more weeks, see if this goes away and we'll check again at winter break (december).

So i go back to school and am miserable and finish my classes and I come home at christmas break and am trying my best to tough it out. I was literally the most miserable person on the planet i can't stress this enough how awful i felt. I had no energy to do anything, I'd be so angry at everyone for no reason, and I'd had a terrible cough, nothing was going alright.

At the time my two other siblings were still at school so it was my parents, my little brother, and i. My mom said "if you want to go to the hospital let me know." and i had a friend over at the time so i tried to tough it out but in the end i wanted to go to the hospital.

Basically they told me that I had stage 4 cancer (Non-Hodgkins lymphoma) and man I was in utter shock.

And then I had to leave school to get treatment so I moved back home for that.

So basically long story short I haven't been in a relationship (or even kissed/slept with anyone) since (4 years now, im 26 😳) because now I have this irrational fear that I'll get sick again or something and I just like don't even know how to talk to people or want to talk to them. And I just don't want any of that shit to happen again so idk what im doing with my life in terms of relationships lol.

But I've been in recovery since the middle of 2019 so I am very grateful for that.

sorry for the longest answer in the world that really took a turn. if you read all the way through thank you 💙

And if you should ever need someone to talk to about anything, I am here for you 100% 💙💙

[thecagedbard]

Does your Tav have any scars or tattoos? What are their origins?

"Oh I have a few scars," she touches her forehead over her left brow. "Where did they come from? Well, this one," she motions to the one on her lip, "is from a man when I refused to kiss him. Then his wife heard a different story from him and did this," she motions to her forehead. "Yeah, she also stabbed me here," rubs her hand just above her right breast. "The others...well, Issac never cared if I got hurt, just that his friends and debtors were happy."

What does your Tav believe in? Do they have some weird superstitions?

"So you think you're being followed by one of the honest folk? Look, just take a bit of milk and sugar, mix it together and leave it and a little something sweet, they'll take their offering and leave. The fey don't want to feel like they owe you. At least that's what Mother always told us to do..."

How does Tav want to die?

"Die?! I don't want to die...or is this like Astarion's weird questioning? Fine. Uhm, poison is fine. The right combination of herbs and the hope to go to sleep before it takes ahold. Seems peaceful and not painful. I don't like pain."

What is your Tav's class and why? Did Tav choose it themselves?

Curtsies, "I'm a bard. Or that's what everyone keeps saying. I really have no idea. Making music and entertainment for others has always been a way of life for us, me and my siblings I mean."

What are your Tav's prejudices about races, cultures, genders, and places?

"Do I hate people based on their race?" She laughs and shakes her head, "Of course not! I'm a drow for crying out loud, people hate my kind on principle alone. Don't look at me like that, I am a dark-okay maybe not so dark-elf. I can admit other drow make me nervous but they do have a nasty reputation, especially those who worship that giant spider goddess.

Does Tav want to have children?

There's a sad smile on her face, it's stressed. "I have had three children, they either didn't survive or they hate me. I'm not certain I could put myself through it again and risk the same results."

Does your Tav have a family? Siblings? Living relatives?

"Gods the amount of siblings I have would make you think my mother was touched by Sune. There's fifteen of us, ready? Don't worry you won't have to remember half of these names: Yasmine, Tavius, Ari, Nelly, Rosie, Marcel, Vale, Perris, Opal, then there's the triplets: Hadrien, Arnaud, and Kyli. There's also Lothaire and Azelie. None of that's in any particular order." "Parents? Oh well, Mother was alive the last I saw her. Father passed when I was around ten...and then was... never mind. That's a story best left alone."

What can make your Tav cry?

"What can't!? Every time people are nice to me I get a bit misty-eyed. A beautiful song can bring me to tears. Mostly cry when people yell at me though...but when I'm scared I don't cry. That's when I vomit."

What are your Tav's political opinions?

"Politics are for people with enough money to care. Never had enough money and I never cared."

What language does Tav speak? Why?

"Common...Sylvan....oh I know a couple of swearwords in-what was it-draconic! Why? Well, Nelly is really good at making friends. Better than Vale even and she met a dragonborn...some whirlwind romance and he taught her a bunch of dirty words. That she dutifully taught to her younger siblings. OH! Why Sylvan? I'm not sure really, Ariane was just always insistent that we all know it and it honestly came super easy."

What is Tav's favorite genre of stories?

She sways from side to side with a nervous smile. She can't read.

Heavy or light sleeper?

Before the nautiloid, and after Ffion's abduction, she was a very light sleeper. Even for a while traveling she's slept lightly. "Yes, sleep. I'm just getting used to meditating again..."

What is Tav afraid of?

"Issac. The other Palroy bunch. Uhm, spiders and just the idea of krakens alone."

Is your Tav neurodivergent?

"What's that?" Yes, she may not know what the word means but she probably does qualify.

What stupid things does Tav believe in?

That sweets will deter the fey.

What is your Tav's comfort food?

"Azelie's candies...she used to bring Perris and me some when things would get rough at home. Something about those candies always takes me back to hiding in the closets and being safe."

How does Tav prefer to sleep?

"Oh, I'm fine on my side, my tummy, however." If the others wake up before she does they often find her in the fetal position with her arms tucked under her. Seems to fall asleep quickest when she's warm and often hides her head under the blanket if she's alone. When sleeping with Astarion or Halsin (or both, ahem) she prefers being as close as possible. Whether that means she's wrapped around them or Astarion's head is against her chest it doesn't matter. She enjoys the closeness.

What coping mechanisms does Tav have?

Be Good. Be Obedient. Be Compliant. The first two she learned from Octavius and Yasmine, the third came from Issac. She tries her best to smile through any hardship or embarrassment because others are being entertained by it or a hardship for her could be easement for another. If pain is being inflicted on her she drifts into her own mind to a boat that floats on the familiar waters of Moonshae Isles. Nothing can reach her if she's in the middle of the water, and she can't see the danger coming if she lays on the bottom and stares at the endless sky.

[equizona]

aaaa i am the anon that sent the bullying ask

im sorry, i didnt know you didnt recieve the ask, im so sorry for the inconvinience aaaa

i will send the full ask, but you can ignore it since you made something similar already!!

a teen!MC that before the devildom was bullied and insecure, but after returning to the human realm, their confidence was up the ROOF, because the pacts with 7 of their big bros protect them from anything

when their bullies start to mess with them again, they threat with summoning x brother, but the bullies just laugh it off like the 8th grade syndrome

something like,,

bully: what are you gonna do now, huh? summon a demon?

teen mc, beaten up: bet. *PACT MARL STARTS GLOWING*

UNTIL ONE DAY MC HAS HAD ENOUGH WITH THEIR SHIT AND SUMMONS ONE OF THE BROTHERS.

how would their big bros react?

i'm sorry again, have a nice day!!!

Note: I don't mind doing it again! Sorry for misunderstanding— And for the long wait, I've been pretty inactive on everything for a while. As I'm working this I've also lost my glasses again so I'm sad– I had very little inspiration for this though, so it's bad.

Fandom: Obey Me! Shall We Date?

Character(s): Lucifer, Mammon, Leviathan, Satan, Asmodeus, Beelzebub, Belphegor

Scenario: Teen! MC summons the brothers after going back to the human world and getting bullied.

Reader: Gender-neutral

Warning(s): Spoilers for chapter 16-20, mentions of cannibalism, death, suicide, gore, violence.

→Lucifer

Lucifer doesn't like getting summoned. He's a busy demon, and has better things to do than have humans summon him around. That's probably another of the million reasons he never makes pacts with anyone.

He's made it clear that you should never summon him unless you absolutely have to. You learned that summoning him for a joke was not a good idea after Belphegor and Satan managed to convince you to try it at least once..

You'd never quite been very confident, but the exchange program had helped you a whole lot. (And fun fact, Lucifer's pact mark can be your own cheerleader, I swear— Touch it and you're suddenly filled with so much confidence and and pride it's—)

With a bloody nose the thought of summoning Lucifer, the second(Third? Is he stronger or weaker than Barbatos..?) strongest demon in existence against them seems very tempting..

So you do exactly that, and the glare that he gives everyone around him is enough to make your bullies not even think about the fact he appeared out of nowhere in a bunch of smoke.

"What is going on here MC?"

Someone who's bad at reading him would probably think he wants to kill you, but you know better and can clearly see the small signs of concern.

The second he knows the situation then.. Well, it won't be pretty.

Lucifer is scary, even in his human form, and he gives your bullies the deadliest glare he can manage, and it's a miracle they haven't turned around and made a break for it yet. Maybe they're scared of testing his patience? Who knows.

He'll lean in and tell them something in a hushed voice so that you can't hear what he's saying, but you can see the color slowly draining from their face.

He gives them a polite smile as he shoo's them off, turning around to you as he checks on your injuries, making sure you're alright.

He's definitely scolding you for getting hurt though. It kinda sucks but also it's kinda nice.

For some reason that you can most likely guess is Lucifer, they won't even go into the same class as you, and soon after they move schools.

→Mammon

Honestly? When he gets summoned he half thinks you're a witch trying to get him to pay his debt...

Then he realized it's you and he's just so happy but then he sees the blood and now he's freaking out and—

He takes a second to calm himself down, breathing in and out slowly as your bullies stare at him in disbelief.

The next seconds he's all over you, asking you questions that probably aren't even related to what's going on because you're hurt and he's stressed and when he stresses be panics—

When you explain the situation you're honestly scared at the dark look in his eyes.

Mammon isn't the type to lose control, so he'll just give your bullies a bright grin that almost has you believing it. He'll walk over and casually throw his arm around their shoulders, whispering something so you can't hear.

You are concerned about what he said though because whatever it was it worked better than what you had been expecting of the second born.

He'll make you ditch school to do something fun with him now that he's in the human world— He saved 'ya, so it's only fair, right? Right!

He tells you to pay but ends up paying because he wants to be the 'cool older brother' and if you try to question it he'll just start screeching incoherent things.

Well, least your bully problem is over?

They won't come close to you at all...

→Leviathan

MC how could you!? He was in the middle of a game and he was almost done with this super hard game—

Oh no he's outside.

Why would you do this to him!? You're such a normie! He doesn't want to be outside! This sucks, this isn't what he wants to be doing at all..

Then he sees your 'friends' and he gets jealous. Wasn't he supposed to be your best friend? He was the lord of shadows to your Henry God dammit!

Then when you tell him the situation..?

Leviathan isn't a stranger to bullying. Not a lot of people think he's fit to be the avatar of Envy, so he gets a lot of shit from random demons and he knows how horrible it can be.

And yet there are people that are doing it to his MC? To his best friend and younger sibling?

Not on his watch.

He doesn't bother hiding what he's saying from you, unlike the previous two. He's saying some of the most hurrying threats you can imagine as he's showing off his fangs that are, keep in mind, impuded with one of the most painful and toxic poisons in the three realms.

Safe to say your bullies are a bit too scared to try and get near you again..

Well, why not watch some anime with him right? You no longer have to deal with the bullies, so do something fun with him! He's better, right? Yeah, so he'll take his favorite unoffical younger sibling to watch some anime.

→Satan

Hahaha— Why the hell would you summon the literal avatar of wrath? Do you want to get charged for murder?

If we go about this realistically he'd murder them on the spot, no hesitation. Like, summon him and he'll give you a curious glance.

Once he's aware of what's happening..

He'll get fucking livid, because how dare they? That's his younger sibling and he'll kill them right fucking now—

Either use your pact to stop him once he's beaten the shit out of them, or just let him kill them. It's your choice.

He really won't listen if you say it normally, since he'll be lost in a fit of rage, so be careful—

He'll feel a bit bad that you might be traumatized after that, though he doesn't feel shit for the ones he actually beat the shit out of—

Should have known better than to fuck with the unofficial younger sibling of wrath embodiment.

→Asmodeus

Please, Asmodeus values his manicure more than he values a fight. There's no way he'd get physical with them.

He'll probably just jump at you the second you summon him, shouting about happy he is to see his 'cute little sibling.'

When he notices the situation he'll probably just charm your bullies to leave, and to leave you alone.

He's just going to drag you away after that, determined to spend as much time with you as he can until Lucifer comes and fetches him. He missed you, you know? You missed him too, right? Of course you did, it's him!

You didn't notice the demonic claws that were held to the throat of your bullies.

→Beelzebub

Aaa, Beelzebub, Beelzebub, Beelzebub..

Look, Beelzebub is naturally really protective of his family. He loves them more than anything in the world, and that feeling was just doubled after Lilith's death.

Since you're a human, he's even more protective of you than he is with the others. (It's to be expected. You're a fragile human, their mostly capable demons. He's afraid one day he'll lose you to something small.)

So he'll probably panic the second you summoned him, fearing the worst and that maybe he was too late and should have followed you up to the human realm—

If he smells your blood he's a step away from giving into Satan's sin and breaking just about everything around him.

When he sees your mostly fine he'll calm down, but honestly if your bullies haven't ran away yet I feel bad for them.

Assuming that they haven't, —even if they probably did after seeing this huge guy show up from nowhere— He'll probably just eat them.

He's a bit hungry, so why not get rid of someone who's hurting his family while soothing his hunger? Win-win.

He'll understand if you don't want to get traumatized by that though, so he'll stop if you ask him.

You can assume safely that he'll find them afterwards though, he has a keen sense of smell and he remembers their face. They won't survive, their death will only be postponed.

→Belphegor

Belphegor is very protective too. He's not generally a very protective person, unlike his twin brother, but with you it's different.

He's already hurt you so much, and he doesn't want you to get hurt again ever.

Still, he's a bit annoyed that you woke him from his nap. He's tired MC, he's tired.

He's sharp though, and he's going to understand the situation really quickly. He won't even spare them a second glance, just guide you away from them.

He'll give them a threatening smile as he flashes both his claws and fangs at them, and they won't get near you again after that.

Why would he bother doing something that might get messy if he can just enter their dreams and make them do it themselves, right?

He's not above driving someone to suicide, they should have known better.

Anyway, MC, he's tired and you dragged him away from his nap so now you're obligated to nap with him

[missmorosis]

sick manager :)

-> feat. bokuto, oikawa, and tsukishima

part 2 with sugawara and kuroo here!

personally i loved writing these, so lmk if you want a part 2 with other characters 👀

TW: PASSING OUT :))

To sum up how you felt in one word, you were exhausted. You were physically overworked; pushed to your limit with tons of schoolwork, stress, extracurriculars, and on top of that, you were your school's volleyball team manager. You were merely a first year, but you did your job well, and the entire team loved you.

You had tried to power through the classes, running with just two hours of sleep. Work was starting to pile up, so you had no time for sleep.

You felt yourself falling asleep during lectures, curling up on the grass for quick naps during lunch, and throughout the day, you had the worst headache.

With luck, you managed to make it through, but you still had hours of volleyball ahead of you. You blinked hard, trying to get rid of the sleepiness clouding your head. Your head pounded, and nothing was really registering in your brain.

There was no denying it, you were sick.

It was bound to happen sooner or later, but it was still annoying. You didn't want to miss the day's volleyball practice, because you had an upcoming game, so you decided to just push through and deal with it. 

Ignoring how bad your head hurt, you slung your bag over your shoulder and walked out of the classroom.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Bokuto, someone you recognized as the captain of the team you were the manager for, spotted you from a distance and was already bouncing, beaming as he waved. You smiled back with a small wave. He didn't mind that you didn't match his enthusiasm; he was used to it, so he didn’t find anything suspicious about it.

The two of you walked down to the gym, Bokuto talking animatedly the whole way there in the background. You didn't mind though, it was nice to just listen. However, every word he chirped bore into your brain, seeming to echo.

You didn’t want to be rude, but you couldn’t help but try to drown out his voice by focusing on your surroundings.

A green bush. A tall tree. A group of students.

“Y/N?” Bokuto waved his hand in front of your face, and you looked up at the mention of your name.

“Hm? Sorry, sorry, I’m just... oh, we’re here!” you said, quickly changing the subject. You didn’t want him to worry, and it was no big deal anyways... You could finally see the gym, and you let out a sigh of relief. It felt like the short walk was actually several miles long. 

You finally made it- 

Shoot.

A sudden dizzy spell overtook you. Shutting your eyes tight, you stumbled on your own feet, your legs giving out beneath you. No, no, no....

"Y/N!" Bokuto yelped as he caught you. He pulled you close to him, and whimpering, you leaned on his chest, trying to stay conscious.

“Sorry...” you breathed softly, just trying to focus on the way Bokuto’s chest went up, and down.

Up... and down. You shut your eyes tighter as a wave of your headache hit. Bokuto’s arms around you were definitely helping you stay standing, and you were thankful. Up... and down.

Then you slumped into his arms.

...

The second your eyes opened again, you were knocked back with a hug. You grunted at the unexpected impact, but smiled when you realized it was Bokuto.

"Y/N! You're awake!" Bokuto yelled, his voice watery with relief. "I thought you died," he sobbed, and you hugged him tight.

"I'm fine, I promise," you said with a laugh. "Just... thirsty." Bokuto leaped to get you a glass of water as fast as he could.

While he was gone, you looked around to see that you were in the nurse's office. You could just imagine Bokuto running with you unconscious in his arms, and you smiled at the thought.

Bokuto came back with the promised water, and he lay a hand on you to check up on your temperature.

"You're really burning up... why didn't you tell me you were sick?" he asked, pouting.

"I didn't want you to worry... I thought I would be fine, and that I would make it through practice." He shook his head.

"I want to know, okay?" You nodded with a smile.

"How long was I unconscious?" He thought for a second before responding.

"Only for a couple seconds, but you were kinda drowsy so we made you rest. It's been a couple hours now." You immediately got up.

"Practice isn't over yet?" you asked, still hopeful. Maybe you could at least stay for an hour? It was better than noth-

"Y/N..." he sad warningly, and you knew going wasn't an option.

"Fine..."

"Good," he responded, satisfied with your answer.

Walking out of the classroom, you met eyes with Oikawa Tooru, who immediately lit up at the sight of you. His smile immediately turned into a frown, immediately noticing something was different about you, given how perceptive he was.

"What's wrong?" he questioned slowly, and you shook your head.

"Nothing's wrong, Tooru... I'm just tired," you said, but he looked at you suspiciously.

“You should take a break,” he reminded you gently, and you shook your head, no matter how tempted you were.

“I really can’t, I’ve got… a lot to do. But I’m fine, I swear,” you assured him, gesturing towards the gym, despite the sick feeling in your body. You swallowed, trying to swallow the dizziness. “Let’s go!” You tried for a smile, and Oikawa responded with a hesitant one, finally deciding to let it go. 

Starting to walk towards the gym with the volleyball player following close behind, you shook your head, trying to shake out the growing light-headed feeling that you dreaded. It wouldn’t go away.

Shutting your eyes as tight as you could, you didn’t even notice that you stopped walking until someone tapped your shoulder. 

“Hm?” You peeked your eyes open slightly to notice Oikawa standing next to you. 

“Y/N-chan?” His face was written all over with concern.

“Sorry, I just…” You laughed sheepishly, trying to shrug it off, but the pain was beginning to be way too much. “I.. just…” you tried to say, but you were unable to finish as you swayed to one side, tripping over your own feet trying to stay standing. You heard Oikawa's yelp as he rushed to catch you, and you blinked slowly before passing out completely.

...

As soon as you woke up, you found yourself in your own bedroom. When you got up, wondering how you got there, you were met with Oikawa's frown.

"When was the last time you had at least seven hours of sleep?" he asked, disapproval in his eyes as he pushed you back into bed. You gave a shy smile.

"Maybe... two weeks ago?" Oikawa gasped dramatically before tutting in distaste.

"You need to sleep, or else your health will plummet," he said, shaking his head. Of course, at that moment, your headache had to come back. You winced and shut your eyes, burying your face into your hands. "What's wrong?" You shook your head with a sigh.

"My head's killing me," you admitted. "It's been like this all day."

"Wha- Y/N," he scolded, leaving the room. Where was he going? Ah. He came back with some medicine and a thermometer.

"Thanks." You swallowed the medicine, and Oikawa immediately forced the thermometer into your mouth.

"103.2?! Y/N, you'll be here for a good three days. I'm not ever letting you leave your bed until you get better, and I won't leave either." You laughed at his motherly antics.

"But what about pract-" you started, but Oikawa shushed you.

"Think of it as a much needed break." You stared at him.

"Did you at least go today?"

"No, of course not! You were freaking unconscious, I can't go and hit some good serves if I know that my precious Y/N could possibly be in pain," he said with a pout.

"Aw, Tooru..." You kissed his cheek. "You're too swee-" He pushed you back into your pillows, pulling the covers up before you could finish.

"Now rest up, Y/N-chan."

You glanced at your phone; you still had an hour until volleyball practice...

A little nap wouldn't hurt, right?

You found a nice, private corner, and huddled up. Using your backpack as a pillow, you fell asleep almost instantly.

Some time later, Tsukishima was walking by, on his way to practice. His eyes spotted you asleep in the corner, and he smirked.

"Idiot," he muttered under his breath, laughing to himself softly. "Hey, get up, Y/N." He flicked his finger on your forehead, and laughed when you began to stir awake.

"Mm?" Your voice was raspy from both sickness and sleepiness, and you blinked your eyes, trying to adjust. You shielded your face from the light with your hand, and you finally made out Tsukki's tall figure kneeling in front of you. "Oh, hi Tsukki..." He held out his hand with a smug smile, offering to help you up.

You groaned when you realized that the nap didn't make your headache go away. Getting up too fast, you swayed for a good two seconds; Tsukki's hands were on your shoulders, trying to steady you.

"Ten bucks you don't make it through practice without passing out," he joked, but you had a feeling he was going to be ten dollars richer soon enough. You nodded sleepily, but quickly froze.

"Wait- am I late for practice?" You frantically dug your phone out, sighing in relief when you learned that you still had ten minutes to spare.

"What, you think I would be late?" Tsukishima said, jokingly. "But anyways, I'm not letting you go to practice today. Clearly you need rest... and..." His hand rested on your forehead, and he nodded. "Like I thought, you have a fever." You swatted his hand away.

"Today's practice is important, I can't miss it. I'll be fine, Tsukki, since when do you worry about me?" You turned around, heading towards the gym, when your head hurt just a bit too much. You winced, and faster than your brain could process what was happening, you were already falling to the ground and everything went dark.

...

"Oh, you're awake." You opened your eyes and saw Tsukishima waiting for you. You were in the nurse's office from the looks of it, and Tsukishima got up with some water and medicine.

"Here, take this." You nodded and followed his command.

"Thanks," you said, rubbing your head.

"Hm. You know how you asked when I started to worry about you?" he asked, sticking a thermometer into your mouth.

"Hm? Oh... yeah." You recalled how you had said something like that right before you passed out. You took the thermometer out and glanced at the temperature.

103.2. You hid the thermometer behind your back, knowing Tsukki would not be happy with your temperature.

"The answer was always; I always care about you, even if I don't seem like it."

"Wow, Tsukki..." It surprised you; you never thought you would hear anything nice coming out of Tsukishima's mouth.

"Also, you act like a five year old sometimes, people can't help but worry about you," he added. You rolled your eyes, but you couldn't help but smile. "Now hand over the thermometer. I didn't forget." Sighing, you reluctantly gave it to him.

"Welp, will you at least cuddle with me until I get better?" you asked with pleading eyes.

"Come on, Y/N. You're contagious..." You pouted, and he sighed. "Fine."

BUT ANYWAYS I HOPE YOU ENJOYEDDDD!! THANKS FOR READING BABE

this is 100% not edited or proofread IM SORRY- IT MAY NOT EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE HAHSJFJRI

ANY THOUGHTS?? IM DYING TO KNOW OMG

send an ask to be added to my haikyuu taglist 👀

[s-brant]

Cherry Bowl (3/8)

(gif: @kiekiecarrera) (PART TWO) (PART FOUR) (SERIES MASTERLIST)

Summary: When Kie cancels their plans together, Y/N asks JJ on a date to the Cherry Bowl Drive-In. Unsure of how to navigate his first ever date, JJ seeks out advice. Unfortunately, the night doesn’t go as planned, and both parties are left shaken by miscommunication.

Word Count: 10.6k

Warnings: Smut, public sex/exhibitionism, sexual choking, angst, depictions of mental illness, post-traumatic stress disorder, and implied/referenced abuse.

A/N: Welcome back to Tokens! Slight trouble in paradise is brewing for these two lovers, so buckle up and read because it’s gonna be a rollercoster for a little while after what happens in this chapter. I hope you all like it, and if you did, feedback is very appreciated. Have fun!

"I'm just saying that oatmeal raisin is superior to chocolate chip, why is that such an egregious crime, Kie?"

The lunch room is filled to the brim with students going to town on questionably cooked frozen foods, soggy tater tots, and sugary drinks from the vending machines despite the Obama-era posters on the walls advocating for healthier school lunches that never seemed to make their way to Kildare County High. The extent of their healthy lunches extended to a serving of overcooked canned green beans served with the worst slice of doughy pizza known to human kind, so it was sort of contradictory.

Y/N sits across the table from Pope and JJ, the latter of which being the one who launched into a full-fledged debate with Kiara about which type of cookie was better.

The clear cling wrap sits, unfolded, on the table with one of her stickers neatly placed on the back of it. As consolation for his epic loss yesterday at the beach, she paid an extra .75 cents to get him it when she arrived first to their shared lunch period—one of only two class periods they have together, the other being gym. He was still in line when she peeled a surfboard sticker off of her sheet and placed it at the center of the wrapped up cookie as if to remind him of her triumph over him in the waves.

"Thanks, hot stuff," he said, voice somewhat quieter despite the fact that hardly anyone was in the cafeteria with them. Then his smile dropped into an deadpan expression as soon as he saw her choice of sticker and looked back up at her. "You're never gonna let me live that one down, are you?"

"Never in a million years. I'll be gloating about it until I'm elderly."

"That's my girl."

The sound of the constant chatter surrounding them from at least two hundred other people drowns out the memories of yesterday that threaten to haunt her when she watches him debate with Kie. The mere recollection of their night in the back of the van has her reaching to pull the collar of her cropped tee up to assure that the hickeys remain hidden on instinct, and he catches the action out of the corner of his eye. It has him fighting a smile.

Kie quips, "Maybe on another planet, but, here, I think we can all agree chocolate chip is better, right Y/N?"

Y/N's eyes widen around a forkful of mushy "green beans" at the sound of her name being said bringing her from the depths of her memories.

Usually, she's quick to jump in and give her two cents on whatever stupid back and forth they're all having, but her mind was elsewhere. Unbeknownst to Kie and Pope, she was mentally reliving every second of getting fucked in the van last night, so her attention to detail when it comes to the Chocolate Chip vs Oatmeal Raisin case isn't all too sharp.

"Uhhh," she stops for a second, looking at the half eaten chocolate chip cookie in Kie's hand, "If I say chocolate chip is better, can I get a piece of it?"

Kie's face lights up at her words, and she's already pulling off a generous chunk of the baked good to hand off to her. The sound of a certain someone whose lap Y/N's legs are outstretched onto from beneath the table scoffing distracts her from the first bite.

"I know you prefer oatmeal raisin, you traitor," JJ says.

Their brunette friend's brows scrunch.

"Why is she a traitor?"

They try to keep from making any faces or giving anything away, but Y/N has to stifle the sound of her choking on her mouthful of cookie at the question. You'd think one of them came out and asked if they were dating or something with how she reacts, and she feels JJ squeeze her ankle in a non-verbal way of telling her to hold it together. It was her idea in the first place, yet he's a lot smoother with keeping it under the radar.

Under it all, the aspect of keeping it a secret does unnerve him to a degree. He doesn't think he'd be brave enough to communicate it, especially not when their relationship remains undefined, but the darker side of his mind wonders...

He shrugs, saying, "Cause we were friends first. Duh. Other than John B, I've known her the longest."

None of them stop to acknowledge the identical aches in their hearts at the mentioning of his name. They skip right over it like it never happened. After the funeral a few days ago, they've filled their quota on mushy-gushy sad talk for the next week and a half.

The real reason is something far more complicated than him having a claim staked on her loyalty through having the longest friendship. It's something tied up in days of slowly getting pulled into one another's worlds like the tug of gravity itself, in how he has to refrain from slipping his arm around her waist in the hallway or kissing her goodbye after a sleepover at the Chateau. But until she gives him the go-ahead, he won't let it slip to anyone.

Pope speaks up from beside him, "You literally met her twenty minutes before we did."

"Still counts. Technically, I did meet her first, so her betraying Team Oatmeal Raisin is enough to be tried for treason in Pogue Court."

"Pogue Court isn't a thing."

He crosses his arms after he pops the rest of the cookie into his mouth.

"It is now. You can be tried for treason for breaking the rules. Rule number one is that all Pogues have to admit oatmeal raisin is superior."

He's about to ball up the cling wrap to throw away later when the surfboard sticker catches his attention again. It's the same color as his board, which he'd like to think is a result of her being an evil mastermind that went out to get this sticker sheet for the sole purpose of teasing him, but he's the one who got her the sheet as a gift for her birthday, so he knows it was pure coincidence.

Last second, he peels the sticker away from the cling wrap and looks down to place it over the top of her yellow converse that were once a vibrant, paler color when Big John got them for her, but have since turned into an ugly mustard/dirt-dusted color they heckle her over.

"What are the other rules?" Y/N asks.

One of the hands holding onto where her feet are casually planted in his lap, something that they've done long enough that their friends won't see it as anything odd, slides down to caress the stretch of skin beneath the frayed hem of her dark jeans. Something she didn't know about him before whatever it is they have together started was that he constantly needs to be touching her. She can't say she doesn't love it though.

Pope answers, "The oatmeal raisin rule is not official"—a pointed glance at JJ—"But I'd assume the rest of the rules of Pogue Court would be no lying and no macking."

"So, basically you two break almost every rule except the oatmeal raisin one, and I lie," JJ says and turns to look at her, "How does it feel to be better than everyone, Y/N?"

"Pretty good, not gonna lie."

He keeps caressing little circles and tracing up and down her skin beneath the flared out pant leg of her jeans while he swipes his phone off of the table top without attracting the attention of their friends, who continue on to a new topic. She isn't too focused on what it is. She only picks up that it has something to do with a class they're in that's more advanced that hers, so she promptly checks out of the conversation.

Ever since John B died, she hasn't been performing too well in school. She tries, truly tries, but her mind outright refuses to absorb any of the information. When she reads her assigned reading, she hovers over the same paragraphs over and over until she shuts the book in a huff and hides it in her backpack again. Losing someone you love has a surprising amount of side effects.

Her phone buzzing in her hand brings her away from the impending cloud of doom that often accompanies any thoughts of John B, and when she taps in her passcode, her brother's birthday, a message bubble appears with a banner displaying JJ's contact name.

JJ (Derogatory) ur a good liar. prob could've fooled me if i weren't the one macking on u

Their eyes meet for a second across the table, then he watches her thumbs move to type a response.

Kief Princess Little do they know I break every rule now that I've switched sides on the cookie debate. Kinda impressive ngl.

JJ (Derogatory) triple threat, baby

JJ (Derogatory) thanks for the cookie btw

She smiles to herself, so wrapped up in their own world that she doesn't notice everyone in the room starting to pack up their stuff in anticipation of the bell that is due to ring any second now.

Kief Princess Had to repay you for last night somehow ;)

When she glances up to see his reaction, she watches his chest rise with a particularly large inhale, and he chews on the inside of his lip in thought.

JJ (Derogatory) strategically bringing up last night so i'm turned on in physics? ur an evil mastermind

Kief Princess I try.

Kief Princess Apparently whooping your sorry ass at surfing isn't the only thing I'm good at.

She hears him scoff.

JJ (Derogatory) first of all, ouch. second, u barely beat me

Kief Princess I'm happy to challenge you to a rematch. I have plans with Kie tonight, so I can't till this weekend. All it'll prove is that I am the rightful winner, but we knew that already.

JJ (Derogatory) what r the stakes this time

Kief Princess No sexual favors. If you beat me (fat chance) I'll formally rejoin team oatmeal raisin.

JJ (Derogatory) :( sex makes it more fun but i still accept those conditions

JJ (Derogatory) team oatmeal raisin needs u, even if ur a traitor

Kief Princess Why bet sexual favors if you're just gonna fuck me after anyway?

JJ (Derogatory) good point

The sound of the bell ringing echoes through the cafeteria, and they both pop their heads up from their phone screens to see everyone, including Pope and Kie, already packed up and raising from their seats to scurry off in the direction of their next classes. Meanwhile, their stuff is all bestrewn across the table, particularly JJ's belongings.

The sight of Kie walking away makes Y/N ask after her, "We're still on for tonight, right?

She stops with Pope's hand interwoven in hers. The look on her face when she turns would make you think she got caught doing something she wasn't meant to. Something like forgetting about the plans they made last week to watch Fear Street together. The Cherry Bowl Drive-In is premiering the first two movies as a double feature for the horror movie buffs of Kildare, so they decided to get tickets. Kiara shares a fondness of horror movies with her. Since gory movies make the boys squirm, though JJ pretends they don't, it's their own thing.

"Actually, Pope and I were gonna go to the beach. I'm sorry."

JJ knows she's more upset about it than she lets on, but Y/N simply gives the pair a smile that doesn't reach the eyes.

The sound of JJ behind her makes them laugh on their way out, diffusing the minor tension lingering in the air from the awkward encounter, "Use protection!"

After their friends offer them a goodbye, they gather their stuff quite leisurely, not really caring about being late.

It's something they've talked about before here or there: her feelings surrounding Kiara and Pope's sudden relationship. It's not as if she harbors any ill feelings for them, she doesn't, but the ripple effects of their pairing on the group, and more importantly the girls' own friendship, couldn't be clearer from her perspective. Between the missed hangouts, forgotten plans, and the convenient way she never seems to have time to hang out with her and JJ unless Pope is there too, it's been building up for a month now.

What makes it sting the most is how close her and Kie used to be. They didn't hit it off immediately the way she and JJ did as children until her thirteenth birthday when no one she invited showed up to the party Big John helped her set up in the yard of the Chateau.

She was the one who rallied the boys together to walk to ask their school friends from the year above to come hang out for an hour or two, promising a slice of the wonky-looking but delicious strawberry cake her and John B spent the morning crafting together. She can remember the sound of their high-pitched laughs and the cloud of flour that hung in the kitchen when they high-fived over the finished product like it was yesterday. In her heart, it was yesterday.

That night was when she fell in love with her friends, and that was when she first knew Kiara was her best friend. They wove friendship bracelets on each other that night and wore them for years until they withered away. No one had ever done something like that for her before. Not even JJ.

"You okay?"

Feeling his hand on her arm, slipping down to take her hand for a moment in the seclusion of the empty cafeteria, makes her glance up at him with a distinct sorrow washed over her features.

You know what? Screw this. Why should she be torn up over Kie and let it ruin her excitement for the double feature tonight? There's no way in hell she's letting her best friend ditching her for her boyfriend get in the way of her plans.

"Do you wanna go on a date tonight?" she asks him abruptly, then adds, "To the Cherry Bowl with me instead of Kie?"

The question sparks a pause in his mind, a halt of hesitation in which he worries about her avoiding having to answer what he asked, but he attempts to play it cool and not fuss over her outwardly. There have been times where being treated like that has made her feel suffocated, so he doesn't want to risk it. When she's ready, she'll talk about it, and if she takes too long and buries her feelings, then he'll intervene. For now, he tries to keep his face neutral despite the frown tempting his lips at her disappointment.

JJ looks around once more before throwing his arm around her shoulder to walk her out.

"You bet your ass I do."

What is a person supposed to act like on their first date that's not actually a date cause everything between them is the same, but kinda is a date because they called it one? If you ever find out, please find JJ and tell him because he has no clue.

Pope wasn't too much help in the Instagram group chat he made for it seeing as his and Kie's relationship is too fresh, John B isn't even alive, so he's out of service for advice unless there's Ouija Board he can borrow, and, thankfully, Kiara was his savior.

Their phones began blowing up as soon as he reached his class after lunch period ended. He couldn't under any circumstances let it be known that this mystery girl he had a date with was their friend, but thankfully Y/N already had the alibi of going to the Drive-In alone. All he had to do was make up a fake date scenario and get basic advice.

danknugstickiestickies added kiara-c and popeheyward to the groupchat

danknugstickiestickies named the group HELP ME

danknugstickiestickies i have a date with this chick i met on the beach when i was out with y/n last week. i need ur advice

His phone screen lit up with the notification that both of his friends were typing, signified with the three dot symbol bouncing in the bottom left corner as he thought it through. They couldn't possibly figure it out, right? They'd been careful, he'd been respectful of her wishes, and they'd been too busy together to notice anything new with them. He figured it would work. It was a risk, sure, but it was worth it to him. He didn't want to fuck this up with her.

Knowing her, she probably wouldn’t even treat it differently than any of their other hang outs. It's not like they haven't been romantic or sexual with each other. They've done everything but go out on an actual date, so why was he nervous?

kiara-c ummmm

popeheyward Yeah, I'm gonna need you to ELABORATE!!

kiara-c did hell freeze over? since when does jj maybank go out on dates??

danknugstickiestickies renamed the group hell froze over

kiara-c very funny, I'm laughing so hard 😐

popeheyward Do we know her?

danknugstickiestickies don't think u do. she moved here last week and hasn't enrolled in school yet. her name's steph

popeheyward What about Y/N though?

kiara-c ^^

JJ's chest muscles tightened with the question prompting a rush of anxiety that made his breathing feel slightly harder. He glanced up at his Physics teacher, who was essentially dozing off behind his desk with his hand in a bag of chips and an educational video on the projector as an excuse to not teach, and looked back down at his phone without the added stress of possibly getting his phone confiscated.

Pope's message might as well have been a sucker punch. Forget butterflies, he set a wasp’s nest loose inside of his stomach to tie it into knots and flip it every which way. His neglected textbook served as a prop for his phone to lean on as he set it down to think.

Did they know? As far as he was aware, they were getting away with it. No evidence, concrete or circumstantial, was there to prove it. At least the stress of the situation killed any chance of him being turned on by her reminder of last night in their messages. This shit was boner repellant of the highest degree.

He played stupid. Better to let them volunteer whatever information they had before he went in saying anything incriminating that they didn't already know. If anything would sour the experience of their first date, it would be him accidentally making their strange in-between relationship public behind her back.

danknugstickiestickies ?? what do u mean

Three dots bounced in the bottom left corner of his slightly cracked phone screen.

popeheyward ...

kiara-c I mean, you don't see it?

danknugstickiestickies see what

popeheyward I guess we were wrong, but all of us always thought you two had some feelings going on.

"You don't say?" JJ murmured sarcastically to himself under his breath. "Never crossed my mind, Pope."

danknugstickiestickies bro that's jb's little sister

kiara-c so?

danknugstickiestickies forbidden fruit? making john b roll over in his grave? do those ring a bell or am i speaking in tongues

He was already a proficient liar in real life, but, fuck, it was easy in text messages. There's no chance at deciphering facial expression or tone, just a plain message with no room to budge. Thank God he didn't do this in person with them. He could've survived, but it wouldn't have been as quick and painless as the group chat was.

kiara-c jeez, sorry

Pope didn't voice it, but he noticed something.

He looked up from his phone and stared off at the wall in thought in his AP European History class. It piqued his interest that JJ simply said she was off limits, forbidden fruit as he put it, but did not outright deny having feelings for her. In fact, he didn't even address the question. He made excuses for why he shouldn't have feelings for her, but he never said he didn't have feelings for her.

Kie did not notice. Not because she wasn't smart enough to either, but because she was too busy hiding her phone behind her backpack to think too deeply about it. Her teacher was one of those teachers that would flip shit if they saw a cell phone turned off and faced down on the desk, let alone being used by a student during a lesson.

In his classroom across the hallway, JJ bounced his leg up and down beneath his desk in an absentminded urge to release the built up energy the anxiety produced in an over abundance.

popeheyward Our bad then. Even John B thought y'all were sus lmao.

Since when was that a known fact? Could he tell? Did he talk to Pope about him and Y/N before he died? Either way, it wasn't the time to pry about it.

kiara-c yeah you guys honestly could've fooled me if you wanted to

danknugstickiestickies well thank u, glad ur invested in our friendship but

danknugstickiestickies please help, i have no fucking clue how to act on a date and this girl is too cool for me to screw this up

That was when they finally dropped the interrogation session and started offering up tips. The best ones came from Kie, which made sense to him since women are more likely to know what other women like than two dudes who share one collective brain cell and never had real relationships.

Rule One: Be ready to pick her up five minutes early.

He wasn't ready to pick her up five minutes early. His bike broke down by the time he made it halfway down his street, so he had to push it back up the road and into the yard before setting off on foot to reach the Chateau quickly enough. And by quickly enough, it means he got there five minutes late, not early.

Rule Two: Compliment her after you get in the car.

She tossed him the keys to the Twinkie from across the hood, not giving him the chance to open the door for her, and it wasn't until they were setting off down the road that he remembered the next piece of advice he was given.

Side-eyeing her in his peripheral vision, he tried to find something to compliment her on specifically rather than the general compliments about her being pretty that she never fully believes when he says them. He was intending to say something about the skirt she had on, but when he chanced a glance over at her, she caught him and asked—

"What is it?"

Sent into panic mode, JJ blurted out instead, "I like your shoes."

He could've bashed his face against the steering wheel twenty times right then and there at the utter absence of reaction on her part for the next few uncomfortable seconds. It wasn't that it was a bad compliment. She appreciates any compliments at all...but her shoes were hidden from his view. Not to mention, they were the dirty, mustard yellow converse that the Pogues bash on a daily basis.

She laughed, lifting her leg to expose the sneaker on her right foot, and asked, "These? Dude, you roast me for these all the time. You and John B said they look like Big Bird shit on them."

The skin on the apples of his cheeks scorched hot with embarrassment, and he was never so glad that the overhead lights in the van were burnt out until that moment. He would've died on the spot if she saw him blush like that, face flushed pinker than sunburn. All he could do to save himself was murmur something about the color growing on him and keep driving in the direction of the theater with his hands white-knuckling the steering wheel he fantasized about banging his face into.

Rule Three: Insist on picking up the check.

In this case, it meant insist on buying the popcorn and drinks, and he miraculously managed to drop his wallet somewhere along the way when he ran over to the Chateau, so when he stepped up to the makeshift concession stand with her standing at his side, he felt around for his wallet in his jeans to no avail.

His thoughts echoed back to him, You gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously? Is this actually happening right now?

"JJ, it's honestly fine," she said softly as he leaned over to search back of the Twinkie for the wallet. "We can look for it on your street right now if you want. It has your ID and stuff, you don't want a stranger to have that. We don't need to stay—"

It took all of his control to not shout it in reaction when he said, "No way. You've been waiting for this, and Kie ditched you, so I ain't ditching you too. We're staying."

His wallet could go kick rocks.

He came too far to be dragged down by the old leathery piece of shit anyway. Would he go out and search for it tirelessly the second the date ended? Hell yeah, that fucker had twenty dollars and his debit card in it, but he couldn't bear the thought of abandoning her or ruining her anticipated movie night by taking her out to search the streets with their phone flashlights for a wallet they might not find. He'd wait till the movies ended, take her home, then haul ass around the Cut searching for it after.

Thankfully, he found a couple bucks crumbled up in his front pocket while she scavenged for coins in the glove compartment, and they came up with enough to buy a water bottle and small popcorn to share together.

Rule Four: Don't have sex on the first date.

And it may sound easy enough to not act like a complete Neanderthal for the length of two movies, but the girl makes it pretty damn difficult if he's to say so himself.

That's what led him here, laying in the back of the sideways-parked Twinkie in the farthest corner of the outdoor theater with her practically on top of him. In any other instance, he wouldn't be opposed in the slightest, but with the cursed fourth rule in mind, he isn't too thrilled with the feeling of her hand rubbing up and down his thigh.

It isn't even meant to be sexual. They're constantly touching one another this way. She'll even slip her hands up under his shirt just to feel the warmth of his skin or when he asks her if she can get an itch on a part of his back he can't reach, but for some reason his brain is short circuiting right now.

The thing is, when Kie and Pope said he shouldn't do it on the first date, they meant it for his and Steph's made up circumstances, not his and Y/N's full-blown relationship without labels. When you've had sex with someone as many times as they have with each other, the hesitancy on the "first date" is nonexistent. It doesn't matter. But JJ, trying to follow the advice given to him to the letter for the sake of being the date she deserves, doesn't think about it that way.

It shouldn't be this nerve-wracking. They've been best friends since they were children, they've been flirting since they found out what basic attraction was in the first place, and they've been forming this relationship ever since John B died. Why can't he relax? Why is this so different compared to how easy it felt between them yesterday on the beach or today at lunch?

Rule Five: Be yourself.

It takes him another few moments of laying here with her before he realizes quite abruptly what went wrong in a quick flash of a thought that brings the fifth rule back to him. The problem wasn't the bike, or the weird compliment about her Big Bird sneakers, or the lost wallet.

The problem is him. The problem is that he's trying way too hard to make this something it isn't. The part about them that he adores so dearly is how they never have to try when they're together. With any other girl or guy, they'd have to fake something or act a certain way, yet when they're together, they can simply exist and everything is runs smoothly. That's not to say they don't disagree or bump heads, they do, but short of those outlier moments, it's easier than anything else they do in life.

His eyes flicker away from the screen for the first time since the movie began, which, by the way, is gruesome enough at times that he had to divert his eyes to prevent himself from seeing it happen. They land on where she lays, completely content with the night in spite of its mishaps, with her head propped up on the pillows they brought from the Chateau.

He wonders if she can tell he's acting differently. Surely she must notice. She's the type of person that typically never misses a thing, perfect for the gold hunt they went on in the summer with picking up the clues and helping her brother unravel the mystery, so maybe she noticed how flustered this date has him. Does it bother her? Does he bother her?

With a confirming glance back up at the movie to see nothing important happening, he can't fight the urge to speak anymore.

"Can I tell you something?"

His voice appearing through the darkness of the shut off van after spending the past half hour in complete silence makes her jolt at first before realizing who it was. Though she loves horror movies, she can't claim to not be affected by them. The night she falls asleep after watching one, she often finds herself compelled to turn a light on and keep her feet from dangling off the edge of the bed. It's worth the fear, though.

When she turns to look at JJ, there's a warm smile on her face. She's cuddled into his side with a hand placed casually atop his thigh, caressing with no purpose or intent, and her movement halts when the light from the movie on the projector allows her to see the expression on his face.

Anxiety has become an increasingly significant presence in his life with the recent events in mind; John B and Sarah, the four-hundred million dollars they lost out on, and dodging his father whenever he sneaks home to switch out the backpack of clothes and personal belongings he keeps at the Routledge house.

It manifests itself in jittery nerves, stomach pains, shortness of breath, and, at worst, panic attacks striking either at random or in response to a specific trigger. It's one of the few things he still tries to hide from her, and she tries not to push him too hard with opening up about it.

She abandons the movie for the time being and rolls onto her side to face him, upper body propped up on her elbow as she examines his face with downturned features.

"Of course," she says.

The words left unsaid are, "You can tell me anything. Whenever you need someone to listen, or to talk to about shit, you can tell me." He's heard her say it enough that he doesn't need to hear it now to know it's true.

There's a pause, then—

"I feel like I fucked this entire date up," he starts to ramble and cuts her off before she can think about saying what she wants to, "and I know it's okay to you. You have way too high of a tolerance for my bullshit, and I've been trying so hard to make this perfect, but all that did was screw it up."

She's left quiet for a second, taking it all in.

Maybe if he hadn't been so anxious about it, he would've realized what was wrong with his bike when he rode it home from school, or he would've noticed his wallet fall out of his pocket. The point is, he wishes he hadn't let the label attached to this freak him out so much. He isn't sure why it does, but it does.

But she doesn't do what he expects. She isn't drowning him in reassurances and, "It's okay's" because she knows he doesn't care for them much. When he, the most stubborn person she knows, apologizes for something he did, he doesn't want it to turn into the person accepting the apology coddling him.

Y/N sighs.

"Is that why you've been acting so different all night? I scared you with the whole ‘date’ thing, didn't I? It doesn't have to be a date if you don't want it to be."

What she doesn't know is that he wants it to be a date. He wants it to be a date so badly, he risked Pope and Kie finding them out for the sake of getting some proper advice on it, and now he's caught up in the same game of tug and war in his mind that always occurs when he wants to tell her the truth about his feelings for her.

Part of him doesn't understand why he doesn't outright say it. With every other girl he once showed interest in, he had no issues in letting them know he wanted them, but this is different. This isn't simply wanting someone, he thinks he's fallen for her. But whenever he says he's gonna grow a pair and tell her after all this time, he chokes. Involuntarily, he's reminded of his parents. Other than his friends saying it platonically, the only people to tell him they loved him were them, and with how they treated him, he sure as hell doesn't think that is love.

From his dad's brutal physical abuse to his mom's abandonment, he's too timid to tell her he loves her because of what could happen if she loves him back. Everyone else that has said that to him has either hurt him, died like John B did, or abandoned him.

He won't let that happen with him and Y/N. What they have, albeit undefined and codependent, is safe. It's the only thing he has left. Maybe it isn't right, and maybe he should open up about it to communicate the correct way, but somewhere in the misshapen logic of his mind, he correlates love to abandonment. And he doesn't want that to happen with her.

There are two sides of him at battle inside his mind. One side, the side that wants to do right by their relationship and actually communicate his feelings for once in his life, wants him to tell her everything. The other side, the side that responds based on the history of his past, wants him to hide it all.

"Will you be mad at me if we don't call it a date?" he asks.

She shakes her head.

The heavy sensation inside of JJ's chest nears a point of vitriolic violence against him as he starts to realize what he's doing to her, clearly letting her down, but he can't stop himself. Like a passive witness watching himself from outside of his body, the instantaneous trauma response to the sudden confrontation of his true feelings for her guides his actions without his permission. It shuts down any protest he has.

The sound of the movie fills the gap of silence between them the entire time. It’s a variety of bloodcurdling screams and disgusting sounds that would've made him gag if he weren't as distracted.

They can make out each other's faces through the darkness, but barely. It takes a flash of bright color from the film or a nearby car's lights turning on for them to fully see one another. Without the other knowing, they both put masks of calm and collected coolness on their faces despite the feelings raging beneath the surface—more so on his part than hers.

"Maybe," he says, pausing, "we should just keep things the way they've been."

As soon as the words leave his mouth, a soul-crushing amount of disappointment weighs her down. She said it was fine if he doesn't want it to be a date—and it is, she would never hold it against him—but that doesn't mean it can't hurt her. Things have been going so well, she almost thought...If tonight went well, she was thinking about no longer keeping it a secret, but if he said he wants things to stay the same, then maybe he isn't as ready for it as she is?

Meanwhile, JJ is on another page entirely.

She's embarrassed of being with you, a familiar voice in the back of his head croons. She's gonna leave just like everyone else does. If she doesn't even wanna tell your friends, why should you pretend you're dating?

The internal comments are the type that cause him to physically grimace when he's alone. Intrusive thoughts are just that: intrusive.

Sneaking into the guarded sanctuary of a person's mind, they set out to convince them the opposite of their reality. The only thing is, where most people's minds are guarded sanctuaries with walls of impregnable defense, his mind is the equivalent of a fortress blown to smithereens. The castle walls lay in rubble, the guards no where to be seen, and the path for these thoughts to slip past and straight to the vulnerability of his mind is left wide open.

In the privacy of his room, these thoughts attack him the most at night when he tries to fall asleep—when things get too quiet. With nobody around, when they get this bad there's nothing he can do except break down. It builds from the mere anxiety of attempting to force the thoughts away to full-blown panic attack mode. The more he resists them, the more aggressive they become. He'll gasp for air with tears streaming down his face, hitting his head with the heel of his hand as if that'd do something to stop his relentless mind.

But he can't afford to react in front of her, so the extent of his reaction is a subtle twitch of his face that she cannot see in the momentary darkness before the movie switches to another scene a second later. In a way, it does make the thoughts go away to have her here preventing him from spiraling alone. Having to focus on her keeps his mind away for moments at a time until the thoughts ease their grip on him.

When she hasn't answered for a while, he asks, terrified that he did something bad, "Are we good?"

The question seems to wake her up, snapping her out of the lonely direction her thoughts went into when he "rejected" her. It takes every bit of common sense she has left to force herself to understand that this doesn't mean he doesn't want her. He does, and not calling this a date doesn't mean they won't be together in the way they have been since John B's death, but she isn't perfect. She gets as unsure and insecure as he does.

As if the cloud of doom was lifted off of her, she makes her face lighten where she lays on her side next to him. Seeing this expression makes his chest feel less heavy, and he could let out a sigh of relief at the realization that he didn't break her heart and stomp on it. He should've known. Y/N is the sweetest person he knows, so she never would've flipped shit over him not wanting to label this as a date. That's not how she is.

And he's partly right. It isn't how she is. She would never hold it against him if he didn't want something further with her since she got herself into this position by pursuing him with his reputation with girls in mind, but she can't ignore it. Whether she wants it to or not, it had its affect on her as soon as he said it.

She leans in to kiss him, their lips meeting in the middle with the faint taste of popcorn salt mingling at the soft peck.

When she pulls away, she brushes the hair back from his face and says, "Don't worry. Nothing can change how I feel about you."

She has no clue what it feels like to hear that from her.

Despite the turmoil they unknowingly share beneath the surface due to this conversation, he could cry hearing her say it. It doesn't feel real to him that she feels the same way he does about her, because nothing could change how he feels about her either. That’s why he manages to work up the courage to repeat it back to her, and, for now, this is the closest he's physically capable of coming to telling her the truth.

"Ditto," he says.

It isn't what she wanted, but it's close enough, and if she dwells on this any longer, she might start getting too emotional and let the urge to tear up become too strong. Why does she have to be this sensitive? It's no secret that it's remarkably easy to make her cry, but this is insane to her. When all of this began with him, she didn't give a shit about him not wanting a label. She understood him, and she understood that he doesn't do this kind of thing, so why has it changed? Why doesn't she want to keep it a secret anymore? Why does she want this to be a date when she knows he doesn't want it to be?

Pulled by an invisible string back to him to silence her mind, she leans in to kiss him again with a hand cupping the back of his neck to guide him the rest of the way to her.

It shouldn't be laced with any sexual intention. She should be kissing him simply because she wants to, and, in a way, she is. Their kisses and touches are never lacking the motivation that is their underlying connection and mutual feelings for one another, but this is not the same. As he kisses her back with as much confidence and passion as always, she is reeling from the conversation that reminded her too much of a breakup.

It takes another minute of this for the kiss to heat up, their breathing becoming shallower in the moments they part to inhale, and she is undeniably the one instigating when she officially crosses the line between casual and sexual by crawling onto his lap. It's not hard for him to pick up on when their innocent moments take a turn. She's easy to read in that regard, and this has happened a multitude of times with them, so the shift of a mini make out session turning into something more is nothing out of the ordinary for them.

If he knew how shaken she is on the inside, he'd never want this. And the same would go for her if she knew what he was thinking before this. Neither of them wants to admit what they're feeling.

With her legs seated on either side of his hips, she kisses him like it's the last time she'll ever get the opportunity to. Her hands wander wherever they can, pulling at his shirt and feeling him up as his hands guide her hips to move against his in a steady grinding that she has no issue partaking in. It's an eagerness he hasn't seen from her in weeks. She's never un-excited when it comes to being physical with him either, but this is another level. The last time a girl was all over him like this, it was desperate touron at a party a few months ago.

In the span of time it takes her to glance over her shoulder to see if anyone could see them and reach to pull her skirt up until it bunches around her hips—no one can see them, by the way, since they got here late and were forced to cram the van into the back corner of the lot with no street lights illuminating the path—his brows raise at her presumptuous behavior. Not that he's one to complain, however, seeing as he's typically the one doing what she is.

Their next kiss clashes their teeth hard enough to make them wince, but he loves it. It makes him smirk into her parted mouth, alive with both the feeling her reassurance provided and the fuzzy-headed high that often finds him when they're together in this way. Incomparable to past flings or the high related to any drugs, she is the peak of everything to him. It's no contest.

His chest stutters against hers with a bout of amused laughter, asking within a brief pause in what feels like the most JJ thing he's said this awkward night, "Two for two in the Twinkie. What's gotten into you?"

Y/N's hand dips between where their bodies move together to unclasp the closed buckle of his belt in one smooth motion that has it falling apart with a clinking noise.

Her features are set with a look that tells him she means business. Whatever it is that sparked this, he wonders how the fuck to make it happen again another time. She's begged for it before, but never taken control so dominantly, and he can't deny what the role reversal does to him. The evidence is obvious in the distinct hardness she feels pressing up against the hand undoing his jeans.

"I was hoping it'd be you," she says, voice breathless and airy from the constant contact in a way that makes it ten times hotter for him.

If there were any chance of him not being in the mood prior to this, which wasn't the case anyway, it's gone now. He never wants to hear her say she doesn't deliberately try to tease him ever again.

He doesn't need to be told twice.

JJ surges forward to capture her mouth with his, this time with no intention of pulling away to breathe or speak again. No, he'll let himself get lightheaded and dizzy if it means he can stay with her for as long as possible.

With the circumstances of it all, them being visible to someone if they happened to pass by the open door of the van, they move at a pace quicker than usual. She's immediately helping him shimmy his jeans and underwear far enough down his hips to free his dick from the confines of his clothes, making him sigh out a breath of relief when her hand brushes against him in the process.

There's no opportunity to slow down, it has exploded into a full-throttle speed race that neither of them can halt.

His hand blindly flies out beside him to grope the floor of the van for the set of keys he tossed carelessly to the side once the movie started, eyes shut in the midst of the hot, messy kiss they share. His fingers find the fabric of one of the blankets they brought in case they got cold, then drifts again and lands on her Big Bird sneakers until he feels the sharp metal of her keys meet his calloused palm.

After the events of last summer, she bought a switch blade to keep on her key ring alongside the keys to the van, HMS Pogue, and Chateau. She may not like violence or weapons, seeing as she was a skeptic of JJ keeping the gun alongside her friends, but she saw it necessary. Between Rafe, Topper, and Kelce, how could she leave the safety of her and her friends up to chance knowing what some of the kooks did to them not long ago? What happened to Pope on the golf course alone was enough to make her skin crawl.

Right now, though, the knife flips out from the pressure of his thumb pushing the button to release it. He holds it out away from her at first to assure it doesn't nick her in the process, then uses his other hand to tug the side of her panties that hugs her hip far out enough to press the sharp side of the blade onto the inside of it.

She can hardly believe what she's watching as JJ cuts the delicate maroon underthings from her body as if he were doing something so normal, like it's something he's done before. Her forehead is pressed against his, her mouth parted both in shock and in a need to pant for oxygen, and she watches the knife ruin her favorite panties. The stitches come apart with a satisfying ripping noise that can hardly be heard over the sound of people reacting to the movie in the background.

Other customers of the Cherry Bowl Drive-In are too glued to the screen as a beloved character is chased down, reacting in shouts when she's seized by the killer and shoved onto the table of an industrial bread slicer, so they remain wholly unnoticed.

The lace, now ripped in half, dangles on the tip of the knife when he lifts it away from her, tosses it aside, and presses the button once more to retract the blade. It clatters to the floor, but is in no way forgotten with them resuming in a desperation to keep going until they both satisfy the need clawing at them from the inside. But her sense of need is different from his, and even with the fresh memory of him with the switch blade in mind, she's still somewhere else the whole time.

Her mind is faraway, muted through layers of sadness, anger, and disappointment as he reaches between them to line himself up to her entrance. The sensation of him running his cock, hard and messy with a few drops of precome, through her dripping pussy to coat it in her slick arousal is enough to make her moan pathetically. Yet when he's about to guide himself inside of her, she stops him.

"Wait, wait, wait," she breathes out rapidly, heart pounding so hard she can feel herself pulsating between her thighs, "Condom."

They were so antsy to get to it, they almost forgot.

"Fuck," he curses under his breath, and his eyes flicker from where they were trained between their bodies to glance back and forth around the van before it hits him. "I lost my wallet..."

But right when he thinks their public rendezvous in the back of the Drive-In is over due to his unfortunate mistake, she shakes her head and slips away from her perch astride his lap to crawl over to her bag.

She fumbles with the old tote bag and plunges her arm in to sift through the hodge podge of things that are purely Y/N in nature—stickers, glitter pens, a half-eaten bag of candy, etc—for the square foil package she decided to toss in before she left just in case. She usually doesn't keep them on her because he never fails to have one, but, thankfully, she had the random instinct to bring it tonight.

The only thing to bring her out of her cloudy, malevolent storm of feelings when she settles back onto his lap with the condom wrapper ripped open for him is him saying, "So you planned this, huh?" with his mouth tipped in a familiar self-satisfied grin.

She didn't plan it. In fact, she threw herself at him the second she sensed him withdrawing from her and can't stop herself despite the fact that she constantly feels two seconds away from letting a tear slip down her cheek. If that counts as "planning it", then sure.

"Maybe so," she answers, cool, calm, and collected—the antithesis of the truth.

They usually don't lie to each other.

They're thrown right back into it without any other hiccups once he rolls the condom on, and he takes in a shaky breath at her hand wrapping around him to align their bodies up. Before she can do anything, though, he takes chance to swipe the blanket he found a moment ago and wrap it around her back to keep her covered in case they get caught.

Y/N sinks down onto his cock with her lip caught between her teeth to stifle the sound that threatens to escape. JJ, on the other hand, doesn't bother concealing the sound of the groan he makes at the sensation of having her wrapped around him like this. The tension in her entire body from the anticipation and the looming threat of being seen by someone has her squeezing him so tightly, he can't help but be a little louder than he should.

Her soft palm slaps over his mouth with enough pressure to force his groan to quiet itself, and she watches his pretty blue eyes widen in reaction to the dominant action. Who is this girl and what has she done with his sweet, submissive Y/N? Don't get him wrong, he is very turned on by it, but it's unlike her to take the lead this way. He can't figure it out.

"What's wrong, angel?" she asks in a whisper into his ear, her hand over his mouth and her hips starting to slowly rock against him, "Watch the movie."

Once the words leave her mouth, she drops her hand, just in case he wants to stop and can't say anything because she had his mouth covered, and JJ is pretty sure he's died and gone to heaven.

He doesn't watch the movie, not at all, because he's too busy watching her. For someone losing their mind internally, she does not let it show, nor does she let it distract her from what's happening. If anything, the distraction in this situation is the sex, not what's going on inside of her head.

There's a moment of adjustment and going as slowly and gently as possible while waiting for the dull pressure of feeling him inside of her to fade away, but, for the most part, she doesn't waste any time. As soon as she feels comfortable enough with the ache between her thighs giving way to a spark of pleasure when she grinds her clit down on his pubic bone, she starts to ride him at a better pace than the initial slow movements of her hips.

She raises herself up and takes him again inch by inch, enjoying the sense of fullness she gets from having to fit him in spite of the slight discomfort at first, and she could swear that he'll leave bruises in the shape of his handprints with how tightly he clutches her hips. It's all he can do to prevent himself from moaning or saying something, ever the vocal lover she's come to know.

Unless his mouth is preoccupied like it was on the beach yesterday afternoon, JJ is usually impossible to shut up, especially in this context. With him always whispering dirty things to her, whether it be praises, pet names, or plans on what he wants to do to her, she has come to find it breathtakingly hot. He could likely get away with saying something if he wanted to, but he isn't sure he wants to risk it. If he opens his mouth to spew something filthy to her, he won't trust himself not to make a louder, different kind of noise that won't fit in the with background audio the other moviegoers are listening to.

The wet sound of their bodies colliding that fills the space of the van is drowned out by the loud and violent sequence occurring on the screen far ahead of them, and hearing it makes her bounce herself on him a little harder. She's fueled on by it all, and, strangely, what happened before she practically pounced on him is the main contributor.

Similarly to the nature of his intrusive thoughts, the harder she resists the memory of how it felt when he told her he didn't want this to be a date, the more forceful it is in its return. Her eyes trail down to watch where they connect with her forehead pressed to his, then she's thrown back into the feeling of helpless disappointment and insecurity. His head tips back against the window with his bottom lip dropped open and his brows furrowed just enough to create a crease on his forehead, and she's bombarded with the look of relief on his face when he realized he didn't have to be tied down to her with a label.

It makes her want to get rougher, harder, and she doesn't even care if it'll make her sore later on. She presses herself down so far every time she slides down on his cock, her teeth draw blood on her lip with how hard she must bite it to remain quiet. The pain of her hipbones rubbing against his doesn't even matter to either of them at this point. They're both too lost in the pleasure that has begun to take control of them to care about something as minuscule as that, or the burn in her thighs from the repetitive physical strain.

She grabs his wrist and brings his hand between them, flattening hers overtop of it and pressing down on the base of her abdomen in the midst of the increasingly feverish thrusts.

"Feel you here," she murmurs to him through a quiet moan, hoping he can hear it over the movie, and pushes down on his hand for emphasis. And if the way he reacts by cursing under his breath tells her anything, it's that he picked up on it. "JJ..."

He reaches out to grab her by the throat with his free hand and tug her forward to kiss him, as if something inside of him snapped in response to her doing that. The motions of her jolting up and down throws the already messy and uncoordinated kiss off-kilter, but they don't mind. It has them separating every time she lifts up, producing this heady little head rush from from them breathing in each other's air without actually letting their mouths meet in the middle.

Though they're trying their hardest not to alert anyone outside of what's happening, it didn't occur to him until now, when his eyes catch John B's old bandana swinging back and forth where it's secured around the rear view mirror.

They're worried about moaning while the entire fucking Twinkie is rocking with their movements. Well, at least it makes good use of the corny sticker he gifted John B last year as a gag gift. He tried to peel it off after JJ snuck it onto the side window to no avail. So, now Y/N is stuck with a sticker on her car reading, "If the van's a-rockin', come on in, we like orgies," rather than the more common phrase.

It almost makes him start laughing, and he prays no one takes that shit seriously, 'cause he is never intent on sharing this breathtaking girl. Ever.

Y/N isn't anywhere near laughing like he is, in fact, she's finding it difficult to keep herself together. She feels her eyes sting with the promise of tears, and she's never felt so pathetic before. Is she seriously about to cry during sex? Is she really that girl that is so ill-equipped to handle rejection, she can't get through it without tears?

She won't cry. Perhaps if he sees how glossy her eyes have become in a rare moment of good lighting, she can blame it on the hand around her throat putting pressure on the sides of her neck.

The worst part about her being near to crying is the timing of it.

The emotion of what she feels mentally mixes with the swirling, building sensation she feels in the pit of her stomach that tells her she's close to going over the edge, and it's so overwhelming. Was she imagining that their friendship had changed? More importantly, is this all she'll ever be to him? Sex is the only thing she's sure of with him, it's the only thing that doesn't require deeper emotions, and when the ground beneath their fragile relationship felt shaky...

He can feel her starting to unravel, and he knows that he'll come before she does if he doesn't do anything now, so he decides to take control.

JJ pulls the hand he had resting on her abdomen away as though he were burned by it, wrapping his arm around her waist to steady her body against his and using the hand around her neck for leverage to thrust up into her, effectively reducing her to a teary-eyed, moaning mess atop him. They both stopped caring about making noise the second he began to fuck her like this.

She cries out in ecstasy at the sudden change in pace and depth that has him hitting all the right places. Every time he thrusts up into her, just as rough as she wished for, the tip of his cock nudges into that perfect spot inside of her that makes her incapable of silencing her moans. This time, it's JJ that puts his hand over her mouth, letting the one he had around her neck move away to keep her from alerting everyone around them of what's happening.

There's nothing she can do to stop her climax as it barrels through her in its initial sweeping wave of bliss to contrast the venomous doubts in her mind. She's never felt such conflicting, yet powerful feelings before—the intensity of the physical pleasure that makes her whine into the palm of his hand, then the part of her mind replaying every word he said in their conversation before this.

Her body is rigid and tense through it all, squeezing down around his cock with the involuntary spasms of her orgasm, and he can't help himself anymore. All it takes are a few more frantic thrusts for him to bury himself inside of her one last time and spill into the condom, uncovering her mouth so he can drown out his own groans into a kiss.

Their skin sticks to their clothes on the inside with sweat from the exertion of their actions, and he can feel her stomach tremble where it presses up against his with each undulation of her hips that meet his as he rides it out.

But even with the added distraction of the sex, she can't rid herself of the feeling that started plaguing her as soon as things went awry. That was why he was acting weird all night. He must have been so worried about her thinking this was anything more than their typical hangouts that he couldn't bring himself to act normally.

She forces herself to look happy when they pull away from the kiss, panting, and JJ, unaware of what she's been thinking, doesn't notice the small deception.

Tag list: @gabiatthedisco

[dannobfg]

I am doing so bad and it's like I can't even vent to anyone anymore because it's all just too much for anyone to handle and I hate the idea of being a burden. Besides, no one has enough patience to hear me out til satisfaction. It's too much. And it would be too one sided. I'm a little shit that just needs to talk it all out to someone as opposed to with someone. And the only sane person that would do that is a payed actor or something at this point. But I'm literally driving myself insane. There is so much stress and anxiety built up now that one of these days I'm literally going to just breakdown, shout at some people, lose my job and have to be admitted somewhere to stay alive. Like, yes, that's how bad it feels right now. And there's nothing anyone can do about it. And I hate it. Idk if I have it in me to keep going. Fuck. How did I end up here? And most importantly, how the fuck do I get myself out?

Sigh.

Being 20 something, pretending to be an adult, alone, being overworked, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, being nice to people, working with children, feeling like an impostor, depressed, stressed, tired, insomnia, self-loathing, anger, frustration, sadness, bitterness, hate, homofobia, identity, love, relationships, friends, class. Like, wtf life is this tbh. How does anyone manage? Like honestly, everyone, deep down, admits to not having a fucking clue. And yet here we are keeping on keeping on and for what?! I'm sorry, but I've kinda just had enough. Enough bullshit.

The rational part of me knows that this feeling of desperation will pass. I mean, it will be forced to pass out of need. But I'm living it right now and it sucks. I know that my life won't necessarily for ever be this way. I have to believe that there's light at the end of the tunnel. But fucking hell, this tunnel is long and dark!!

[fairy-writes]

🥰👈🏻Henlo!!💜💜..... can you please do a matchup (romantic if you could 🥺🥺🥺) with KNY please 🥺🥺🥺🍪🍪?? she/her, straight, height 159 cm(quite short hehe😅) my personality is ISTJ type. Howgarts house is Slytherin and Ravenclaw (yes I have 2 Wizarding World cards 😅😅....I went twice 🤭🤭🤭🤫🤫) I am quite shy and won't be able to start a conversation if you don't start. I am a bit motherly and affectionate. I love to draw and dance . I do digital arts 😉😉😉

I am like the smart one in the group (I think...?🤔🤔) I would usually help others in studies and homework 😉😉😉. I love my friends they are great❤️😌😌

I am mostly sympathetic and emotional...lol I cry 😥😥everytime there's a emotional scene ( wether sad or happy) damn I even cry when I am angry 😶😶😶

 and I can be quite possessive???😓😓 I am definitely the jealous type😶😶 and gonna pout the whole day😟😟😟

 I like animals (specially the babies 😘😘 they are just soooo CUTE!!) and cuddles 🤗 .

  I don't have any specific ideal date as long we are happy 😉😉....my love languages are physical touch, quality time and act of service 💜💜💜 and I wish to become a doctor in near future ☺️☺️

 I really like cold weather (not a fan of heat..hehe😅😅) thats why I prefer vacation in mountain regions rather than sea beaches (lol I can't even swim😂😂)........

  Thankyou so much 🥺🍪🍪🍪.....you don't have to write it... please don't take stress....🥺🥺and take care🤗🤗...lots of love 💜💜💜💜 

And your writing is just 😘😘😘 Chef's Kiss 😘😘😘

I enjoy it a lot 🥰🥰🥰👈🏻

____________________________________________________________________________________

Hello lovely! Thank you for the compliment! I hope you like your matchup!

I pair you with… Rengoku Kyojuro!

This big Gryffindor of a man thinks you are amazing! He initially starts a conversation with you when he notices you drawing and later again when he notices you dancing! He loves that you are motherly and affectionate, and he only grows to love it more when you start dating and later when the two of you get married! His profession is dangerous, so he wants to spend as much time with you as possible!

Rengoku doesn’t hesitate to introduce you to his brother and even his father after some time. Senjuro warms up to you pretty quickly, and it takes some time, but eventually, Shinjuro (their dad) comes around and allows you in the house reluctantly.

This man likes to brag about how smart you are! In the modern-day, when he’s a history teacher, he likes to have you in his class to help co-teach and/or tutor his students if he doesn’t have time! He also doesn’t mind that you cry a lot; he’s always there to hold your hand during emotional scenes during films!

When the two of you eventually get married, you get a dog! He takes you to pick out a puppy, and the two of you raise it together! He likes to take it for runs and exercise when it’s old enough! He’s also big on cuddling! And his ideal date is any time he can spend with you!

His love language would definitely be words of affirmation and physical touch. And he fully supports you in your doctor endeavors!

[genshin-obsessed]

I dread everything about school, sure, I got some friends. But that doesn't help ease the pain of having a mental breakdown the night before school starts.

I've given up trying to ask my mom or dad if I could get a day off, my mom wouldn't allow me since my dad won't let me. My dad has said he only cares about my education, so I don't see the point in trying anymore.

I envy people who have a mental break day where they can skip school/work. Even in the weekend I can't get rest without thinking about tomorrow. I had a breakdown last week and ended up being yelled at by my dad. Now I really don't think he cares about me besides getting an education.

I already plan on getting an actual job, started a business, how much longer do I have to suffer before I can just get a day off? Or when will I ever be good enough for him?? I'm trying to do things that make me useable enough for society, even though my grades are fucking failing and I can't stop lashing out on things.

These things don't matter anyway, he'll just end up telling me again "and I don't want to go to work" then WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT JOB?? fucking peice of shit, he doesn't care about my mental health unless it makes me unable to be a working citizen and get an education.

I'm so fucking tired, I'm trying to keep everything in, but I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid that something will happen that I can't control. I don't want to hurt someone again, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it all in.

I just have to suck it all up, going to school like nothing happened, again. My suicidal thoughts have started to come back, my anxiety has been worse and worse, and I feel like relapsing again.

The only reason I don't self-harm anymore is so I don't get put into a mental hospital again. But if I end up not keeping all these urges and thoughts away then I'll just end up in the mental hospital or worse, an actual prison. The mental hospital felt like a prison anyway, which is why I'm scared to tell any teacher or adult at my school.

It's also 1am, and I shouldn't be bothering anyone with this. I can't bother my sister, she has to get enough sleep to go to work, and with how much little time I get with her now, it's just like when she was in college and i had nobody. My parents are useless in this situation, because my mom would just get yelled at by my dad for suggesting me staying home. And talking to her feels so.. uncomfortable. My dad is just a no. There is no talk about my mental health, if I'm feeling sad, I'll just have to deal with it.

I'm stuck, I don't know how much longer this will last, but probably for a couple more years.

I wish I could easily take my life away, there is hardly anything I want in life anymore.

Just a note before I start: I made a new tag for anyone to block because I’m gonna allow more serious topics with it. I’ll go with the regular tw tags as well, but this one is just one big tag: 🐚— vent

Right, onto you anon. I wanna start by saying I am so, so sorry you’re going through this. I understand, my mother was extremely hard on me in school. She rarely let me take breaks off of school and kept his idea that I had to attend almost every day to be a good student and to have a good education.

Even in college, both of my parents are pretty hard on me to take “good classes” and not “waste” my time. I don’t think many parents understand the stresses of school and it makes it hard for them to understand how terrible those days can be.

The school system is all messed up. Learning subjects that most of us won’t use- unless you’re choose a job in that particular field- teachers pile on too much homework, everything is just memorization at this point, and it gives us little time to relax. The way some teachers even assign homework makes it hard for us to even relax on weekends, which is why we have them. You really only have summer and even then, some parents force their children into extra activities then.

You feelings are valid. 100%. You’re allowed to feel exhausted, especially when you’re not getting any breaks. Getting through high school is the probably the only thing that’s really required for most jobs. But having a college degree doesn’t mean you’ll be rolling in money. It just means you can have a more secure job but by no means guarantees success. Parents don’t realize that.

For you, especially, it’s all building up. I’m sure you already know this to. Holding it in 100% won’t help. The stress also seems to be affecting your school work and it’s making it harder to pass classes which just leads your parents to lash out. It’s a vicious cycle that just doesn’t stop. And the only way to really stop such a thing is to take a step back, but you’re not even allowed to do that.

I think the attempt to please your dad’s ideals is also adding stress. You want to be good enough, and that’s understandable, but sometimes parents project what they couldn’t do onto us. Sometimes, it’s never enough because at the end of the day, they’re not the ones who could accomplish that. I’m sorry to say that and I hope it doesn’t upset you further, but maybe you should try doing this for yourself and not him. Some parents will never be happy- as sad as it is to say that.

I’m glad you don’t self harm, and I’m really proud of you for breaking away from that. Yes, it may just be to stay away from the mental hospital, but I’m still happy you’re staying away from it. Although, I would recommend talking to someone about this, other than me of course, because I can’t do much for you, unfortunately. I can only listen and offer a bit of advice.

Though you don’t want to stress out your sister, it seems like she may be the only one you can kind of trust. Maybe if you’re of age, you could try talking to a therapist or meeting with a school counselor/therapist. They may be able to actively help you, maybe even working with some of your teachers to lessen the workload. Either way, they’ll be more helpful than me.

I want you to know you’re doing an amazing job though. You’re still going after all of this and I know it seems bad, but I know it’ll get better. I know this isn’t much, but I’m very proud of your resilience.

If anything, when you’re on your own and in college, you can 100% take a break and you’ll definitely deserve it. But I do want you to try and talk to somebody you find you can trust. Or try to reach out for help, because something like this can’t be done alone.

There is one thing I think you want and that’s to be free from all of this. School, your parents, the exhaustion, the stress, and so that can be your goal. Though these days will show up often, maybe the idea of being free from all of this while still being able to live a happy life can be that push you need. I’m not sure if you’re able to move away for college, but I would recommend you do that. It’s a little difficult to be on your own, but you’ll get to choose how you live.

I know my response was kinda all over the place, but I really hope it helped anon💖💖 you’re always welcome to come here and talk to me if you’d like. Maybe about school, homework, just to vent, or chat! I would like to hear how you’re doing too 🥺💖

[behind-the-hood]

Hey babes, been a while, huh? So, I've been thinking about how I want to get back into the flow of things, and with that came my update on what all's been going on. And it's a lot. So I'm going to hit the big points and my pets, because they are my babies ❤

So, I got divorced, which was great. He's stolen my half of our last tax return he was required by our divorce agreement to give to me, and kept my stimulus checks, which is not great, and I will be taking him to court when my lawyer says the system isn't as slow as a snail on glue.

I've got myself a new boyfriend. He's...the best thing ever ❤ I don't wanna get too mushy on you guys, but imma marry that man ❤ We've been together for over a year now, and in that time we actually lost his mom...and that one still hurts me. She...didn't die in a pleasant way, and I hate that she won't get to see us get married or see her first grandbaby or any of the things she was so excited to see and do...😞

On a less depressing note, I got a lot of new pets. I got a job at the vet, and day four into my job, a couple of big ol' king shepherds came in; they were strays. (I theorize they came from a puppy mill.) Anyway, I adopted the female, and the male was sent to a shelter for german shepherds. Korra, that's what I named her, started getting fat not too long into my owning her. Or so I thought. A couple months later, I went from owning one dog to owning eleven. She had been pregnant and we were in major denial, lol. Anyway, the birth went well, all the babies were healthy, even the runt was doing good at first. She didn't end up making it, she was half the size of the others and some time into the second day, she stopped eating. Korra was sad when her baby died, but after about ten minutes of leaning over the runt protectively, she let me take her. I don't know if her instincts said it was best for the other puppies or what, but she eventually let it happen. After the eight weeks were up, and with the help of my childhood friend, we got all the puppies new homes. I kept one, named him Mikey. She and her parents kept a couple. She named her puppy Fonzie, and her parents named theirs Butch. All three get to go to the park on Sundays and play together. Korra doesn't go too often because she's protective of Mikey and we're working on that, but for now, she's too aggressive and by no means a small dog, so baby steps.

Edit: Captain passed away in November. It was particularly upsetting to me because he was sick before I left for Arizona for a few weeks, and I wasn't going to go if I thought he wasn't going to make it, but everyone insisted he'd be okay and that I should go. He didn't make it, and I hate that I didn't get to say goodbye...but he passed in his sleep at the vet, and he was on medication that kept most of his pain at bay...and that's probably all I could ask for...because they had called the day before asking if we wanted to have him put down, and we never got to make that decision...I feel like it was better that way...it always hurts more to have to put them down...Edit over.

My boyfriend and I also got a kitten. It's cute; he's never really had a pet of his own before and he's super excited about it. I wish I could describe to you the wonder and amazement on his face when he saw Victor use his litter box for the first time 😂 He just picked right up on it, and my boyfriend was so proud 🥰How we came about getting Victor is a little bit more depressing. Or stressful. I don't know; I'll tell you what happened and you can decided. His mom had a few cats, and Big Girl was pregnant. She had four little babies, one of them being Victor. I kept making jokes about wanting to keep him, but my boyfriend and mom were both adamant that I had more than enough pets--which is fair because I do, lol--anyway, they were hitting about seven or eight weeks old when my boyfriend and I were leaving one morning. He was taking me home before he went to work. He turned on the car and we heard a blood curdling screech from in the hood. I panicked and got out just in time to see a kitten run out from under the car dragging its front paw and trying to get away. I caught him and started panicking and crying because his paw was bleeding and I could see bone and I was just in a frenzie. My boyfriend had to get to work though--sometimes his work ethics are cute, sometimes they are frustrating 🙃--so I called my mom on the way to my house and told her what all had transpired and to have a crate ready because we were going to the vet. She called the vet to let them know ahead of time and when we got there, Victor was immediately taken back and examined. Long story short, the belt in the car had cut through two of his finger bones but the rest of the cut was superficial. They decided he would need surgery and sutures. We agreed, we paid, we prayed he lived through the surgery, and then we waited. Good news is that Sweet Baby lived, he barely had a limp despite almost losing his paw, he hated his sutures, and now he runs around and plays with Theo like nothing ever happened, lol. And my boyfriend just adores Victor, and it's very cute 🥰

Anyway, I couldn't stay at the vet because I kept getting sick and breaking out in hives and, turns out, I'm allergic to nearly everything under the sun except for foods and lizards 🙃 I decided to go into real estate like my mom instead, and I just finished up all my classes and am ready to go into the thick of it!! Wish me luck in that endeavor 😁👍

So anyway, I can't think of anything else at the moment. That's my life update--Oh! I got covid from my mom. My quarantine ended literally two days ago, but I only had a cough. That being said, I've been suffering from a sinus infection for well over a month now, and got my period in the middle of it all, so that was awful 🙃 But! All of this is to tell you that I'm hoping to get back into my writing soon, and can present you guys with all the things I never got to finish or would totally love to start!! 😁

There's no set date on when I think I'll have anything ready, but I'm hoping over the next month or so, I can put out the third part of the Papa Makedon series out. I also hope over the course of the week I can start looking at all the asks I'm sure tumblr never told me I had 🙃

Love you, babes!! I hope you all have kept safe and healthy, and I hope to get back with you soon 😁🤙

---

Here's my sweet girl Korra with all her babies. I believe they were about a couple days old at that point.

And here's my Mikey, as a wee one and as a big boy ❤ He's turning one on August 3rd you guys~ 🥰

And here's little Victor (please excuse the food on his nose, I thought it was adorable, lol. I've just mostly got videos of him, and not too many pictures 😅)

[shawnpetermuffins]

In Case You Didn't Know

(Based off In Case You Didn't Know by Brett Young)

Summary: Shawn's so in love with you, but he doesn't know how to say it.

A/n: this is all over the place, theres time jumps and flashbacks and no real distinction between them, so yeah. I actually really like this song and I might end up writing some more stories based off songs, so let me know if you want that.

Requested: no

Warnings: just fluff

***

I can't count the times / I almost said what's on my mind / but I didn't

She's sleeping soundly on the couch, head laying on the arm rest, blanket up to her shoulders. She's absolutely beautiful, I think to myself. Her hair falls messily in her face, lips parted with a soft snore, and even though she's covered, I know her arms are wrapped around her middle in an attempt to keep warm in this arctic apartment of mine. I make a mental note to turn on the heater after I take her up to bed. She couldn’t even make it through half of the movie before her eyes became heavy, and if I was interested in watching the movie, I wouldn’t have even noticed, but I was watching her the whole time. It’s the first time I’ve been able to see her this way, completely exhausted from studying for her exams, hair a mess, face bare and slightly red and blotchy from stress crying.

I want so badly to wake her sleeping figure and tell her to just quit, come on the road with me for the second leg of tour. I’ll take care of everything; I’ll take care of her. Anything she wants, it’s hers, no questions asked. But I can’t tell her that. Because no matter how stressed she is now, I know it doesn’t change how incandescently happy she is when she talks about her favorite class, her favorite professor. The way she talks about all the things she’s going to change when she finishes school.

Just the other day / wrote down all the things I’d say / but I couldn’t / I just couldn’t

Being with her only a few months, eight to be exact, I keep finding myself refraining from telling her how I feel. And I know that being on tour for six out of the eight months we’ve been together is definitely taking a toll on her, and me too. I’m never here when she needs me, and to see her the way she is right now, I know that I can’t keep these feelings from her much longer.

Because if she’s crying over a test that she’s about to take when I am here, I’m scared to know what she cries about when I’m not. Does she cry about me? About me not being here? When I left before, she held in the tears - so did I - but we’d only been together a month. Maybe she didn’t want to seem too attached. I know I didn’t, but Brian knows how much leaving her put me in this week long funk. I called and texted her constantly until I realized that doing that only made it even harder to be away from her. So I calmed a bit, not by choice, but by necessity.

Seeing her sleeping so peacefully, now curled in my sheets, hugging my pillow, I can’t help but smile. I could write a million songs just about this moments alone, and that’s exactly what I go back to the living room to do. To write yet another song about the girl in my bed, hoping and praying that she’ll still be there come daybreak.

Baby I know that you’ve been wondering / mmm, so here goes nothing / in case you didn’t know / baby I’m crazy ‘bout you

Sheets of paper litter the top of the piano, the coffee table, literally any surface that was once clear isn't now. I'm scribbling out a new lyric, and start strumming the melody that's been stuck in my head since she fell asleep next to me.

My mind is a jumbled mess. She has me feeling every possible emotion and I can't convey it in just one song. So every new idea gets written down and I hope I'll find a place for it in another song later. I'm going crazy, my mind working faster than my hand can write, and the song doesn't sound right with the guitar riff, but then it doesn't sound right with the piano. It's all wrong. None of it is good enough for her and I need it to be good enough.

And I would be lying if I said that I could live this life without you / even though / I don't tell you all the time / You had my heart a long, long time ago / in case you didn't know

I know it hasn't even been a year and I sound like a love sick puppy. And that if you ask anyone that doesn't know me personally, they'd say that this relationship is all for show. That I'm doing it for the publicity. That she's getting paid. None of it's true.

She's everything I have ever wanted. Ever needed. And its so hard for me to think back to even just nine months ago. I wonder how I did anything before her. How did I cope with my anxiety when she wasn't there coaxing me through it, lulling me back to reality and not the fucked up place my mind always wandered to?

If I can't think back to nine months ago, before she became my everything, how am I supposed to look forward and not see her in every possible situation that I could be put it?

The way you look tonight / that second glass of wine / that did it, mmm

Dinner at her apartment is everything. Except she won't let me actually cook. She's scared I'll burn the building down. Which, to be fair, could very well happen. So I'm only allowed to cut things, and of course pour her wine. She's stirring the rice while I sit at the little bar area, head resting in my hand while I stare lovingly at her. Her cheeks are slightly pink from both the heat from the stove and from the glass of red she's sipping from.

"You're staring," she says softly, and looks over at me.

I clear my throat and look down at my half empty glass, "Sorry. Can't help it. You're just so pretty."

She looked down at her outfit, and squinted skeptically at me. "Jeans and a two-sizes-too-big flannel? Oh yeah, I'm sure I look real cute," she replies sarcastically, with a disbelieving eye roll.

"You do," I say, matter-of-factly. "With you hair pulled up like that," I gesture to pony tail that was currently falling because she didn't wrap the rubber band around enough. "And your eyes just being as beautiful and bright as ever. How could I not stare at you forever?"

This causes her to become even more red, if that's possible, and I pull out my phone, swiftly snapping a picture of her because she is just so pretty and I want to see her like this forever.

"Stop it!" She whines, turning away from me.

"But you look so cute," I say, turning my phone around so she can see the vibrant blush on her cheeks.

She just shakes her head and takes another sip. I can't help but watch the way her lips curve around the lip of the glass, and my whole body tingles at the promise of those lips touching mine later.

There was something 'bout that kiss/ girl it did me in / got me thinking / I've been thinking

I pull her body close to mine when she puts the dishes in the sink. "Thank you for tonight," I mumble into her shoulder.

She hums and her hands cover mine on her stomach. "You're welcome bub. So glad you could make some time for a meal this week. I was starting to think you didn't eat," she says teasingly.

I manage a small apology, pressing my lips to the soft skin of her collar bone. I know I've been literally everywhere but with her this week and it's been killing me. But even just a night like this was enough to make me forget about all my stress up to this point.

She turns her head to face me and plays with my currently overfluffy curls. "I adore you, my little rockstar," she whispered into my hair.

I look up at her with a sleepy smile and hooded eyes. I only have a second to react before her lips press to mine in a soft, passionate kiss. And all I can think is that I could stay this way for the rest of my life and never get tired of the feel of her lips.

One of those things that I've been feeling / mmm, it's time you hear 'em

I'm still watching her as we wash the dishes together. She's washing, I'm drying. It's the simplest of systems, but it's also so domesticated and it makes me sad knowing that I can't give her that domestic life one day. Husband a d kids, nice suburban home to come to every night. I'm traveling too often to give her that simple life that she so desperately deserves, even though she's told me before that she doesn't care about that.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She asks after washing the last plate, handing it to me. I smile sheepishly at the way she's leaning against the counter, one leg crossed in front of the other, hands playing with the neck of her shirt.

I finish drying the plate before I speak. I place the towel I was holding on the counter and reach for her hands. "Can I tell you something, pumpkin?"

You've got all of me / I belong to you / yeah you're my everything / in case you didn't know

"Anything," she squeezes my hands reassuringly.

I can't look into her eyes, so I stare at our linked hands and sigh contently at the feel of her small, soft, cold hands in my large, calloused, hot hands. I don't know why telling her this is so hard for me, it shouldn't be. I write about love all the time.

But I've never felt it. Not like this. Not when my heart feels like it's literally about to burst out of my chest when she smiles at me. Not when I can't help but stumble on my way to her because I'm staring so hard that I trip over my own feet. Not when an interviewer asks me what my favorite thing about going home is and my immediate thought is her. She's my home. Whether we live together or not. She's it. She's my everything and that's fucking terrifying. I never thought I would become this dependent on someone else.

"Bub, what's going on inside that beautiful head of yours?" She asks, breaking me from my own thoughts, trying to catch my eye.

I swallow the lump forming in my throat and finally meet her intense gaze. If I had to decipher what that look meant, I'd say she was looking at me the same way I look at her. With that endless amount of love, lust, compassion, and adoration that my expression hopefully conveys. Why she chose me of all the people to be with, I'll never know. But she did. So I say it.

"I love you," I finally manage to say, but it's so low I don't even know if she heard me.

She doesn't respond for a while and I'm searching her face for any sign that it'll give me, saying that I crossed a line, that we weren't ready. But just as I'm opening my mouth to apologize, her lips cover mine, tongue slipping effortlessly into my mouth. And I hold her body tight against me, so tight I don't think she can breathe properly, but she makes no move to leave my arms and I have no intention of letting her go. So I hold her while we kiss under the harsh light of her kitchen and I let out a low whimper when she goes to ultimately pull away.

"Say it again," she begs.

And I do, kissing her cheek. "I love you." Her nose, "I love you." Her forehead, "I love you." And finally, once again. Her lips. "I love you."

She sighs, eyes fluttering shut while her fingers trace my jaw and then the curves of my mouth, my nose. "I love you, too." She kisses both of my eyelids before she says it again. "I love you so much."

***

Tags: @curlyshawny @shawns-badreputation @anamariel2301 @bbellbagel @turtoix @tomshufflepuff @ivegotparticulartaste

I've literally been writing this since February and it's not even the way I wanted it 🤷‍♀️ but I hope you guys enjoyed reading it. A little fluff to counteract with the angst I gave y'all on Wednesday.

Like, reblog, and leave feedback!! 💙

[machaaoo-blog]

Most likely to become an AO3 if it is as liked as I hope it to be.

Multi-chapter

Bad Lemons (Rated M) - Drugs, violence, language, etc.

It will have very touchy subjects that relate to very serious problems such as addiction and mental health -- if you can't handle it please don't read! (It'll come up in future chapters if I continue)

Description: Living it rough can really change a person, for better or worse. She became strong, bold and unbothered. Nothing could shake her back into a world full of untrue realities.

Fallin' Out

Chp 1 - Walk

"Where is Mina?" She hated waiting, she hated the train station even more. It's loud and obnoxious, which regularly interrupts her sleeping schedule. She would usually settle for a nice bench in the park or even the sidewalks that lead through a deserted alleyway; sadly both were taken by others who had her current living situation or rats. She'd rather her chances living amongst the rodents, maybe even be blessed with their sickness for the rest of her sad life than go back to a broke home. Of course she had other ways or options to get out of this predicament, she's full filled them, yet she never got the pay she deserved. Her welfare officer had an utmost disdain for her existence. He had and would go to lengths to make her life harder, and therefore couldn't be trusted. Then again her worse enemy yet had to be the people who she lived with: a drunk for a step father and a whore of a step mother, not to mention her elder step brother who doesn't pay a lick of rent allong with his crack sniffing wife. The female laid her head back abit and let out a single, "Fuck." How could she get adopted into their family, where the hell was child protective services when you needed them?!

She rubbef her bruised up limbs and does her best not flinch, and doesn't even bother to spare a glance at her wounds. She doesn't have enough bandages for that mess. Placed her pink fingertips on her cheek which was a mix of green and purple. She paid it no mind though. Not that she ever cared too much, but she why stress the luxury of caring about your appearance? Initially, even as a child, she always presumed that what truly mattered more than anything else about a person is personality. Hypocritically, however, she couldn't care less about either. Right now all that seemed to be on her mind was getting through her problems, with or without help.

You could say this makes Uraraka Ochako a rebellious teen. But yet that's not the case. She'll go wherever as she pleases, but she evades at all costs in the name of self-preservation. Put yourself in her shoes. How can someone last a day with her mentally unstable home? Truthfully when she was adopted into it, everything was dandy, until they went into a debt things just seemed to get out of hand. So she left and decided to break free, they never look for her, so who cared?

Ochako glanced up the clock. Though her chance to escape this time would depend on Mina's miraculous connections and genius planning, her fate rested in her best friends hands.

With a sharp inhale she slaps a bandaid on quickly and smooths it out tightly on the bridge of her nose. Placing her hand on the edge of the sink she looks up at her reflection. Curvaceous, petite, ghostly pale skin with contrasting pink cheeks with cuts and bruises scattered all over. She rolled her eyes and became resolute. Opening the door, then spamming it closed, she made her way out the bathroom she walks towards the bench, but is immediately halted when she sees a guy sitting in it. Her eyes narrow. A tall guy at that. Broad-backed with weird sand-blonde hair, why is it so...spiky? She stuffs her hands into her pockets and sits opposite the bench on the far side of the station waiting for him to leave. She wants to dictate it as a personal problem, but if he's depressed...well then she supposes he won't he moving a muscle any time soon meaning won't be getting her bed back for a long time.

20 minutes had passed and it was already 8:30am and he finally left his seat when a certain green haired boy hoisted Sparky off his heavy ass. They were total opposites and Ochako choked on her spit when the blond suddenly bitch smacked the other boy while both boarded the train.

"Ochako, it's me~!" Mina shouted, waving her small pink hands side to side.

"A private school...U.A? Mina, I know you see me as some Fallen Angel who could possibly be saved but they would never let me step foot on their grounds." Ochako placed her hand on her chest and gave a sly smile, "Look at me, all bruised up because some punk wouldn't lend me a light and look at him now." She pointed at the park bench across from them, "Knocked his ass out straight and now I'm stuck with his lighter that doesn't even work."

"I'm just trying to help you and give you a better life, Ochako. As your only friend take my offer. You know there's nothing for you here and you also know you have allot of pent up pride- let it go, and just come with me to U.A."

Ochako tilted her head to the side, her expression softened by the smile of Mina, her best friend.

°°°

"Ochako." She states. The receptionist looks up at her through her glasses with a look that says a first name like that wouldn't even slightly cut it at such a high-class school. The woman does some typing, and looks at the computer with no change of expression. This school held some of the finest and wealthiest, Ochako was out of her eliminate.

"Come with me."

Ochako followed behind the lady, her eyes looking out the school widows once in awhile to spot preppy teens. Even amongst the worst schools she's attended the students stuck out and looked different, they dressed and did as they pleased. Though her past schools were practically full of fights and no learning, gosh how she missed those days where her small gang ran amuck, when she felt empowered and dominating. She let of a tsk, it still felt that way, but those people she once addressed as family were quick to turn their backs. Clearly everything here is different from what she is used to. Designer brand bags, diamond watches and shoes she couldn't touch with her commoner hands. These damned rich kids all looked alike, she couldn't tell any apart, they all owned the same type of fashion and don't get her started on all the goop plastered on the female students faces. "Yuck." She stuck her tongue out at the window before entering another room with the serious, quiet receptionist.

°°°

Katsuki growled. "Aren't you supposed to be helping out the teachers or some shit?" She laughs as he intercepts her lips and responds immediately in the most favorable way. He pushes her against kitchen table, and slowly presses onto her receiving a deep moan in the process. She looked up at him with a gaze full of lust and want. "Who cares, someone else is can take care if it for me." She whined, pulling out out a condom with a smirk.

°°°

Ochako stared at her I.D with a look of disgust. Mina on the other hand slapped her knee and held her stomach, laughing like her life depended on it. "You look so ugly! EWW!" Mina pointed at the picture, "You flenched and your eyes are barely open!" She cackled. Ochako slammed open the window and held her arm back, "To hell with that." But before she could launch her arm and send that I.D flying Mina grabbed her arm. "Calm down, we got things to do, We gotta get you to your room."

"Well then take me to my room, please."

"But wait we gotta capture this moment!" Mina pulled out her phone and jumped back, getting on her knees and began to tap, flashes going off blinding the poor Brunette who stood before her.

"M-Mina please, my eyes-" Ochako placed her hands out covering the camera which signaled to her friend to stop; which, she did. "I wish you wore something cuter though." Mina pouted as she went through her photos, "You always wear the same thing Ochako."

And she wasn't wrong, her wardrobe was small, she never owned anything more than a phew shirts, jeans and underwear. Why by hundreds of dollars of clothes when she just needed seven pairs to last her throughout the week.

"What's wrong with how I look?"

"Well," Mina coughed, as they began to walk, "For starters...."

Ochako had wore the basics: A red baseball cap, a grey top and loose jeans that bagged from her waist abit to reveal her boyish underwear. Don't even get Mina started on the belly button piercing and tattoo. (which is located on her right arm, a whole sleeve so she constantly wears long sleeves when needed.)

"Alright but Mina remember you wanted to get these body modifications with me? And remember what you did? You chickened out because of your dad." Ochako placed her hand on her school dorms door, "You can't criticize what I wear either because you know I'm poor as shit." She unlocked the door and Mina stood behind her, a constant sorry escaping the pinkettes mouth, she opens the door, and stops in her tracks.

The sweaty bodies laid on the kitchen table, the blonde held a tiny naked waist with one hand whilst tugging at her short blonde hair. Ochako rose an eyebrow at the scene, this timing was horrible because those two were at mid-climax.

"Ah, yes! Katsuki-"

The blondes head falls in between the crook of the males neck. Her feet had become weightless.

"Ochako? Can we go in alrea-" Mina stops as she makes her way to the entrance. Ochako held her arm out from keeping Mina from entering any further. It finally took a few seconds for the two sexually tensed weirdos to notice the presence of two others.

"W-what are you doing here? Mina?!"

"What do you mean, what am I doing here, Toga?!" She shouted and covered her face, seeing a half naked Bakugou made the poor pinkettes hurl.

"Who the hel-" Toga was cut off.

Ochako walked into the room, unphased to see a naked man and woman, she lived in the streets and has seen this and much worse multiple times. Everyone in the situation just seemed to watch. As Ochako picked up their clothes she walked back to the nearest window opening it,

"This is my place, so get out."

Ochako threw their belongings out the window, their clothes slowly fluttering onto the schools dorm field. Toga and Katsuki grimaced, Mina slammed her forehead on the door and as for Ochako... well, she took a seat on the couch and flipped on the TV and began to watch animal planet.

[isabelleisashethem]

of how a playlist came to be

i'm posting this here, because I need this story to be told. (also, all the sad girl posts are abt him, sooo)

April 12, 2021

Haie, so, this girl just went through heartbreak and decided to create a playlist to cope. lol.

and here's the story of that playlist.

Listen to the playlist here.

(I'm sorry if the rain sounds were overpowering,I was scared of copyright lol)

This year was difficult. With the pandemic, and online classes, and family problems. Honestly, at some point, I didn't think that I would last and reach 2021. I was under so much stress and anxiety and was slowly losing my mind (as we all were).

But, despite all the mess, I managed to push through. You can ask me why because I'll tell you.

Someone was there for me. Despite not even knowing me last school year, he was the first to ask me how I was after I threw all my rants on Twitter. He was the first person that cared for me enough to see how I was doing. He is the reason why I'm still here.

Because he was essentially a stranger, I found myself telling him my problems, and he was always there for me. He was there for every breakdown, he was there whenever I lost my mind, he was there for me during my darkest days and he was there for me if I needed to ground myself.

He was there to make me laugh, and make me smile. He was there for the small victories and the accomplishments.

We became friends. Whenever we had a problem, we would tell each other about it. Whenever we see one rant on Twitter, we talk about it. We spent so much time talking to each other, to the point where I started to catch feelings.

A thing about me is, whenever I started catching feelings, it won't be intense. I'll only feel some butterflies, or the occasional "kilig", and when I knew that they liked someone else, I wouldn't mind, at all.

But then he came.

He made me feel alive, for the first time in a long time. His words were symphonies and his voice was a song. He made me feel extraordinary whenever he talked to me. For once in my boring life, he made me feel special (no, that is not a kpop reference, lol) when I thought that I was ordinary.

With him, suddenly love songs made sense, rom-coms were real, and hope was everywhere.

He would send me songs about love and give me anime recommendations. He would join me if I wanted to watch a movie with him. We would play tic-tac-toe or Pictionary and even among us online, he even taught me how to play chess once. He would stay with me at the end of google meets so we could talk more without other people; talk with just the two of us.

This boy made me overthink so much and made me feel such extreme feelings that he would sometimes be the reason why I lost my mind.

As we talked more, I felt myself start to fall. So I told him. I told him so I can clear things in my mind. I told him because I didn't want to hope for anything. Still, after I told him, everything felt more blurry, everything more unclear.

I still liked him.

His comforting words still meant the world to me. He was still the most important person in my life. Even when I tried to "uncrush" him, I couldn't, because I was really falling for this guy.

I also had this other friend. She was the person that I would run to whenever I had problems with him (lol, that is really funny now) because he tended to lead people on. I told her mostly everything because they were close too.

We became the closest among our friend group of 5.

I think you can see where this is going.

We would have jam sessions on discord, and we would chat on our group server. They would usually talk to each other and I would lay low most times (by lay low, I mean as they talk to each other with the microphones, I would react on the chatbox lol). There were also times where I caught them laughing and having inside jokes that I wasn't a part of.

I only truly saw their chemistry when we had the chance to see each other on our graduation pictorial. I noticed how extremely close they were with each other. I saw how cute they were together (because they really were). I saw how they light up when they were talking and how they were low-key inseparable.

That day I decided that I should get ahold of myself. It was clear that I wasn't gonna be that person for him. I felt the hope fade slowly,

but hope was still there.

When the day was over, and everyone was leaving, we decided to commute together because we had the same route home. All the rides were full, so we walked.

That walk was a bad idea. Commuting together was a bad idea. Being alone with him was a bad idea.

We started to talk, about life, and other things. Eventually, the conversation led to the fact that I liked him.

I told him about how he was different from my other crushes, and how strong my feelings for him were. He also knew how I never had anything remotely romantic happen in my life.

so he made me hold his hand,

and I did.

For around 10 minutes, maybe less, our hands were intertwined, and my sweaty palms were against his. For that short interval of time, I felt myself hope again, and I finally admitted to myself that I fell in love with this person.

I FAKEN FELT LIKE THE MAIN CHARACTER FOR THE FIRST TIME.

only for it to be taken back a few days later.

I assumed that I was the person he liked, because why would he do that if I wasn't. Why would he hold my hand after telling him how strong my feelings were for him?

Why did he feel the need to take a moment from me?

Surely he liked me too, right?

I found out that he liked my friend, not me.

That was the first time he was actually clear about the person he liked.

I was devastated, at the same time excited. I was really happy for them.

But I can't deny the fact that I was hurt.

The night I found out, I wanted to chop my whole arm off. I wanted to scrub the skin that held his hand off my body. I wanted to erase all the memories that I had of him

All the words that he told me, all the things that made me fall for him was a lie.

His words that once felt like symphonies were out of key. All the moments I had with him darkened. Everything was a fabrication of what I hoped it was.

That night, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that two people found their way to each other, while I was in so much pain.

I realized that everything meant nothing to him,

but his nothing meant everything to me.

I realized that I was led on from the beginning. I realized that maybe I was just a way to get to her.

He made me fall for him, as he was falling for her.

It broke me for a couple of days, but at the same time, I was extremely grateful.

Yes, I did fall for him and became a clown to his ways, but at the same time, I was also learning how to love myself.

I already saw how he treated me from the beginning. I already saw how much he led me on, and I saw his red flags. At the time, I was still stupid so I ignored them, but I've always told myself that I was worth more than what he was making me feel.

I learned to know my worth, and I eventually learned how to love myself, even on bad days.

I like to think that this heartbreak was given so that I could at least experience a broken heart before the right person comes into my life.

And I know that they will eventually come.

Now, we're on good terms, more or less.

We would still talk from time to time, and I really am incredibly supportive of their relationship.

Yes, it still hurts seeing them together, but why should I be the roadblock to their happiness?

What he did to me was not okay, and it never will be, but I learned that forgiving him was the best way for me to finally heal.

Also, even though most of what I thought of him was a lie, our friendship was still real. I'm still really grateful to have him in my life because he was the person I could trust with my secrets, and he was the person who pulled me back to reality when I was losing myself.

To this person, lol, if you are reading this.

Sorry for breaking my promise (lol kaso u broke my heart, char), and thank you for the lessons and for being there for me.

To anyone who happens to stumble along with this playlist, I want you to know that you are strong.

I want you to know that your feelings are valid, and this pain that you may be feeling is okay.

Even though you weren't in a relationship, what you felt was real, and I think that it's wonderful. It's wonderful that you were able to feel this much for them.

I know that someday, you're going to find somebody who is right for you. Who will never make you feel like an option, and will never let you down.

Someone who will care for you, as you cared for the person you are thinking about right now. Someone who will hold your hand, and have it mean something. Someone who can make you feel special, and loved.

But as we wait I hope you know that

you are valid, and you are always worth it.

xoxo

(here's the Spotify code lol)