#And Ive lost so many friends and lost everything I ever had and now I just feel like

[scarletcomet]

scrolling through instagram and it's making me want to die

[downfallofi]

The incredible depression of like, it doesnt matter where you go, there you are.

[horseimagebarn]

i respect the commitment to the bit

it may have started as a bit but i believe ive lost myself in it i enjoy horses now more than ever before except when i was six years old and my friend told me that that very night she was visited by a magical horse named thunder who came down from the sky and took her to bella sara the horse game website and she said the following night i should go with her and i took everything extremely literally and believed everyone ever at that age so that night i asked my mom to help me pick out clothes to wear before going to bed so i would have a nice outfit to go to bella sara land in and she said no go to bed and i said please i must go tonight to bella sara land what if the horses show up and im not waiting for them and theyre sad and she said the horses are not going to take you to bella sara in the middle of the night that was definitely either a dream your friend had or a total lie spoiler alert that night and all the nights that followed i was not taken by the horses to go to bella sara but spent the next few months saying they visited me so that i felt included as many other girls started to say they were also visited by the bella sara horses and taken to bella sara land and i believed them too and felt extremely left out but also plagued by guilt and anxiety for lying so im not sure if it was worth it in the long run

but yeah i like horses quite a lot and i have a lot more horse items now than before i started this account which signifies the transformation of a bit to reality though i cant collect horse items as i already collect jfk items

[tannieastrology]

Solar Return Observations💋❤️🌹

💋This year I have a Virgo Ascendant in my solar return along with 2 Venus returns and Ive been so much more health/beauty focused. Like I care more about myself and am trying to break bad habits that I made in 2023. Im also alot more driven in sports/goals and back when I had this in 2020 I was also into skincare and makeup alot too and was into running and working out. I feel like the year you get a virgo ascendant for your solar return is the year to cleanse bad habits that youve made in the previous year its like a chance to start new.

💋The year you have Uranus in the 11th house is most likely a year where you will lose friends but will also get the chance to make new ones. I had Uranus and North Node in my 11th house last year and my 3 year long friend who claimed we were “besties” backstabbed me and cut me off with no explanation BUT I also found a friendgroup who are here to stay and am incredibely blessed to have met them. This was a year where my view on society and people changed significantly but i feel it was for the better.

💋Last year I had Sun and Pluto in the 8th house along with Moon and Mars in the 12th. I struggled really bad with my mental health(also a Gemini Rising) and my whole personality shifted from these experiences. From January my grandma almost died of cancer, I faced unrequited love, bullying from “friends”, losing friends, and overall felt pressure from school. I was just sensitive to what people said about me and let little things bother me and now that Im looking back none of it was a big deal but I dont know in the moment it affected me way too much. It made me realize that you cant ever really put your faith in people and that you need to trust and respect yourself the most. That you cant be attached to people and your faith should be put in god (atleast thats what I think). Most of the pain came from lowself esteem and I do believe that these placements made me grow a thicker skin and to become more independant. Im a completely different person now and while I did lose my innocence to the world I feel that I can survive on my own now. I guess I just grew a backbone which im really thankful for.

💋Everything that happened last year (like growth transformation death) is all related to the 8th house which is where gemini is in my natal so also keep that in mind where your solar ascendant falls in your natal.

💋This year I have a Moon in Libra in the 1st house and a Virgo Lilith exactly conjunct my ascendant and Ive been getting so much praise from woman its weird? Weirdly guys have been liking my instagram stories and when I posted on my birthday so many people came and viewed my story who dont even follow me. I also feel more pretty and empowered this year and Ive been trying to figure out how I want to present myself more. Compared to last year I feel like I am more upfront with my feelings. I feel like this year I might not struggle as much since im a Libra Ascendant and my solar return is Virgo and almost aligns with my natal chart.

💋My sadness and pain from my 2023 solar return actually really did last until my birthday aka my 2024 return😭 So keep in note that solar returns will remain effective until your next birthday.

💋I have Pluto, Mars, Sun, Vertex, Mercury, and POF, all in the 5th house this year and Im really hoping I can finally meet someone to date for the first time but so far its manifested as being more interested in hobbies/ having fun. Im not complaining tho I actually have been so much happier and I havent cried that much at all from this new Solar Return. I will say I feel like having Pluto in the 5th house will make your view change a bit on relationships. I lost feelings for my 3 year crush and I also feel like its impossible for me to properly catch feelings now. I dont know its like I broke the cycle of infatuting crushes and am way more realistic when it comes to love. Part of it is probably just me getting older but I think thats a good thing. I dont expect love like the movies anymore but i just want something REAL.

💋The year you have 8th house Venus a old flame might come back into your life.

💋Tell me why I have Jupiter, North Node, and Chiron in the 8th house this year and ive been attracting money/all the things i want so easily? I got almost $450 for my birthday, a vanity, a lulu bag, and a big party and its only been like 2 weeks😭

💋 When I turn 18 in 2026 I have a stellium of Venus, Mercury, Sun, Mars, and Pluto in the 12th SOOO im predicting that I might be struggling with mental health that year, probably lost in where I want to head after high school, or Im either hiding sum secret love affair(8th house ruler of libra in 12) or like something about it is forbidden/ secretive. I also do have Moon and Jupiter in Cancer in the 5th house that year so that should be interesting lol. Let me know what aspects/ placements in your future solar returns yall find interesting and have down in the comments I wanna see.

💋A Saggitarius Ascendant/ 9th placements might mean that you get opportunity to travel

💋Having Lilith in the 2nd house might mean that you struggle with eating consistently or might struggle with self worth and body image.

💋Venus in the 4th house will be a year where you try to improve your home and find comfort in familial relationships

💋Look at transits to your solar return too theyll give you a deeper dive in whats going on you can look on astroseek.

💋12th house placements will make you inclined to find god

💋On November 16 2021 I caught feelings bad for this guy and I would go on to like him for a long time. Near that time I had a Venus Return and also a transit Solar Return with a 7th house stellium(Sun,Mars,Mercury,Moon in Libra/Scorpio). I was around this guy 24/7 and it just unexpectedly happened. Near that time Iwas having so much fun with my friends in cross country I feel so fond about those days that I could never forget.

💋 Last year having a Gemini Rising but placements like Mars and Moon in the 12th made me get talked about unknowingly behind my back so keep that in mind. Girls secretly hated me and also one of my “friends” twisted my words and spread drama about me.

💋Pay special attention to Chiron and where it is in your chart ESPECIALLY if its in retrograde

Anyways I hope yall enjoyed this was very last minute and I know people have been complaining about there not being enough Solar Return observations so here I am lol. See yall next time💋

[realcube]

WRATH & LUST . t.kei / y.tadashi

synopsis ✧ you hate tsukishima kei. you do everything in your power to make his life miserable but nothing works. now you have no choice but to fuck his best friend

cws/tags ✧ college au , enemies to enemies who screw, cursing, slut-shaming (both ways)

parts ✧ i. ii. iii. iv.

your friends call it 'inexplicable hatred', 'misdirected anger' and 'envy' but they couldn't be more wrong.

your feelings towards tsukishima kei were completely rational in your mind. he carried himself as though he was better than everyone and treated those around him like filth, yet he's still tolerated and his shitty attitude is even deemed charming by some self-loathing girls at your college.

it irritates you to no end how he behaves. too cocksure and too sassy; no dignified man should never act in such a manner, you believe. you could go on about other reasons you dislike him — his style atrocities and his punchable face, to name a couple — but you shan't.

you intended on going about your life, simply hating him from afar as you didn't see the need to stir up petty drama. but he made it impossible for you to do so.

one day he was sat behind you in a maths lecture. the seats are tiered so he is slightly higher up than you are. while making notes, his pen slips out of his hand and tumbles forward, landing somewhere under your desk.

you do the polite thing by making an attempt to search for it, but it is dark under the table you can't seem to find it.

a couple moments pass, and he remarks lowly, "are you just going to stare it?"

white hot rage courses through you at his comment. what ever happened to 'please'? to 'would you mind'? you were about to do him a favour by fetching his pencil and he still has the audacity to be snarky.

fuck that, he can pick up his own damn pen. you leave it alone and try to focus on the lecture.

you make it through the whole thing without him bothering you again, probably using a spare or borrowed pen. once the class has been dismissed, you gather your things and wait for the people in your row to start filtering out so you can leave, that is when you feel a gentle tap on the shoulder.

you turn around and lock eyes with a tan, freckled boy with mousy brown hair, he wears an awkward smile and point to your desk, "excuse me, my friend dropped his pencil and i think it landed under your desk. could you get it, please?"

his voice is meek and demeanour similar to that of a shy puppy, which is why it almost pained you to scoff at him and say, "tell your friend to stop being such a cunt, then maybe."

you rush out of the door, keen to get as far away from those two boys as you can. yet as you leave you hear the blonde's voice mutter in your wake, "what a moron."

after marinating on the situation during the retelling to your friend group, and a group vote, you came to the conclusion that perhaps your response to yamaguchi — you learned his name from one your friends — might have been a bit severe. but in your defence, you were peeved by the comment tsukishima had made prior.

it's as though manners and etiquette are totally lost on him.

ೃ⁀➷

two weeks passed since your last little altercation with tsukishima, and you were proud to say you haven't been involved in any conflict with him since then. mostly making snide remarks in passing or exchanging dirty looks in the hall.

however, that all changed when your professor was late to one of your classes. they expressed in the past that they prefer students to wait outside the lecture theatre when they aren't present, so naturally this caused many people to be clogging the hallways.

there was a long queue of people waiting to enter, you stood far away from the door, while tsukishima and yamaguchi happened to be standing opposite. you couldn't help but notice the outfit tsukishima had on: skinny light brown trousers with a black belt, and a pressed short-sleeve white shirt, that was a bit see-through.

you didn't know much about this guy but from his slightly toned figure, which was made apparent by his choice in clothes, you could tell he does some sort of sport. probably basketball, considering how tall he is, but maybe golf. he acts like a golf player.

lost in thought for too long, your finally yanked out of your own internal monologue by a familiar voice snapping, "what are you staring at?"

you blink, and before you even have time to process what he just accused you of, you blurt out, "has anyone told you that you're dressed like a slut today?"

yamaguchi must slap a hand over his mouth to suppress his burgeoning laughter. tsukishima's eyes narrow at his friend's offensive display, before they snap back to you and he argues, "really? me? i'm dressed appropriately. take a look at what you're wearing."

he motions to your outfit: jorts and a tank top. maybe not the most stylish choice but definitely not as whorish as his attire. "it might be more revealing but still not as slutty as you."

he rolls his eyes like what you said was contradictory, wearing smug smile. he wants you to believe what you said is nonsensical and 'proved his point' but all it does it anger you to no end.

not fond of his facial expressions, you retort, "don't pull stupid faces and play dumb. you're already dumb enough as is, so it isn't a very becoming look on you."

with furrowed brows, he opens his mouth to say something, but you cut him off, "and i can see your chest through your shirt. no one wants to see that!"

"you say that while your tits are out, have some self-respect."

"at least i have tits. you're wearing a short sleeve to show off the muscles you don't even have!"

yamaguchi is thoroughly entertained by this squabble, which is why it pains him to chime in, "uh, tsukki. the lecturer is here, let's go."

as much as he wanted to get the last word in, tsukishima glances between tadashi and the empty halls before he decides his education is actually kinda important and begins to make his way inside the theatre. it was good timing because he didn't have a witty response anyway.

your heart is beating rapidly, though you're unsure why. you gaze at the empty walls for a minute to collect yourself before heading into class as well. you totally won that fight, is what you tell yourself.

ೃ⁀➷

ever since the disagreement you had with tsukishima in hallways of the maths building, what was once comments and glares has escalated to threats and insults being made boldly in each other's face.

despite the fact you ate him up the first time, you've been on a losing streak since then. you feel as though nothing you say gets under his skin anymore.

you've tried belittling his face, his smarts, his personality, his mother but nothing seems to work. you even tried to ridicule his glasses but that didn't work either!

"hey, four eyes!"

"hey, five guys."

what the fuck? you weren't sure if that was a dig at your diet, your weight or your quantity of sexual partners but regardless, you could not let that slide.

verbal abuse wasn't working so naturally the next option was physical. you attempted to trip him in the halls but his legs were so long he stepped over you without even noticing. you attempted to pour milk over him but tadashi noticed and pulled him out of the way. you considered pushing his knees while he was standing in front of you but you realised that if he fell backwards his weight would crush you and you'd probably die.

all of that was so elementary and childish though; high school bullying at best. you need college level bullying. you thought about planting weed in his bag and calling the campus police on him but your friends said that was 'too far'. you thought about leaking his nudes but firstly you don't have them and secondly, he's already walking around college half naked anyway so he likely wouldn't be phased by it.

the hard thing about trying to torture a boy like tsukishima is you don't know enough about him to know what will truly drive him insane. you know he cares about his grades but sabotaging his test scores is beyond your means. he doesn't have any dignity so you can't humiliate him. even if you tried, his little gremlin of a best friend would probably catch onto you anyway.

that green haired boy was just as bad as his handler. always gawking at you to make sure you don't try anything; literally glued to tsukishima's ass at all times — it's so gross. and it gave you the most disgustingly perfect idea.

[yuesya]

The Pier Point Shopping Street is always a bustling hub of activity. As a well-known landmark of Pier Point and an attraction for visitors to the IPC’s seat of power, the shops lining the sprawling commercial district truly live up to the reputation of being a dazzling center of wealth. Food, drinks, clothing. Entertainment at its finest –and everything in-between.

There have been many who’ve lost themselves to the glamour of these gilded streets, luxuriating in the allure of satisfaction and gratification stacked upon gleaming credits.

The young Halovian girl sitting across the table from him in the high-class restaurant does not lack for wealth. Nonetheless, she is not one to consciously indulge in materialistic desires… save for her love of sharp weaponry, perhaps.

Aventurine smiles. “It’s been awhile hasn’t it, Lyra?”

Soft white hair, wide blue eyes. Contrary to her soft and seemingly-harmless appearance, though, Lyra of the Oak Family is anything but harmless. Aventurine would know, considering the manner in which they met each other for the first time.

“It’s been awhile,” Lyra agrees. Then, “Is there something wrong?”

“Wow, it’s always straight to the point with you, isn’t it?” Aventurine blinks, and laughs. Something inside his chest sinks helplessly at the girl’s immediate perceptiveness –for all her awkwardness navigating social niceties, Lyra could also be shockingly observant at the same time. “… What gave me away?”

His voice is careless, flippant. Teasing, the way it would be for a light joke. Aventurine maintains the expression of a smile unwaveringly.

Lyra shrugs, a non-response that Aventurine somehow finds himself automatically understanding anyways. Just a feeling. You don’t make a habit of inviting me to Pier Point.

Aventurine lets out a long, exaggerated sigh.

“Can’t hide anything from you, can I?” He straightens, and bats his eyes winsomely. “Y’know, if you ever stepped inside a casino someday, I bet you could–”

“My brother says no,” Lyra responds without batting an eye, and frowns lightly. “… Aventurine, what is this about, really? Do you need me to kill someone?”

This girl. The blond man huffs, wondering what it says about his own mental state that he actually feels a surge of fondness at this offer from her.

“We’ve got to talk about your habit of spontaneously offering to kill things for people at the drop of a hat,” he tells her. “Have you tried buying presents instead?”

Lyra tilts her head, wings fluttering in accompanying confusion with the motion. “… But I don’t offer to kill for just anyone?”

“… No, I don’t need you to kill anyone for me,” Aventurine sighs. For someone who could be so astonishingly perceptive, she could also be very obtuse. “It’s rather the opposite, really.”

Lyra stills, making the connection in a heartbeat. “There’s someone you don’t want me to kill?”

“Oswaldo Schneider,” Aventurine confirms, continuing to carefully maintain his perfectly pleasant smile.

Lyra takes one look at him and frowns anyways. Then, proving that she truly does know Aventurine a little too well to be good for either of them, “This is an order from the IPC?”

It is.

Aventurine holds no love for Oswaldo Schneider. Even putting aside the bad blood between their respective departments within the IPC… the man had been involved in the negotiations that had taken place on Sigonia-IV, which eventually led to what was now known as the Katica-Avgin Extinction Event. And Aventurine –as far as he knew– was the only survivor from that hell, a young boy who’d been captured by slavers and sold to the highest bidder.

Now… now, he was a slave to the IPC. Which wasn’t so bad, sometimes; nowadays, Aventurine was rich enough to never want for any materialistic goods again. But this did not change the fact that the IPC owned him.

The IPC wanted Oswaldo Schneider to live, and the IPC also knew that Aventurine was friends with the girl who’d nearly killed their rising head of the Marketing Development Department. The next course of action, then, was obvious.

Negotiate. Convince her to stand down.

Diamond had been the one to pass on the orders to him. An additional deal had also been brokered between the Marketing Development and Strategic Investment Departments, and there was a certain sense of vindication in seeing Oswaldo depart from Pier Point for ‘business’ just as Lyra arrived. Vindication… and also frustration.

But, this isn’t something that Aventurine can involve Lyra in.

(… ‘Can’t,’ or ‘won’t?’)

“One of Oswaldo Schneider’s ‘projects’ nearly resulted in my sister being killed by a stray bullet to the throat,” Lyra says eventually, blue eyes focused unerringly on Aventurine. “… I won’t go out of my way to hunt him down. But if I come across him, then don’t expect me to show mercy.”

That’s a lifetime ban from Penacony for Oswaldo, then.

“The higher ups should accept that,” Aventurine nods. “And what do you want in exchange for it?”

The look that Lyra gives him is one of uncomprehending confusion. Inwardly, Aventurine despairs.

“… If it were any other executive sitting in front of you right now, you would’ve very well walked away from this meeting with nothing.”

Lyra’s expression flattens into something unimpressed. “I’m not dealing with the IPC. I only agreed because you’re asking me.”

“And I’m negotiating on behalf of the IPC,” Aventurine reminds her.

“So the agreement stands in place only as long as you do not change your mind, regardless of what the IPC thinks,” Lyra shrugs. As if it’s nothing, the power and influence that she’s handing over to him so easily with this one act –if Aventurine is the one with the final say, then that’s another chip in his hands. Another card up his sleeve. Another point for him to gamble with, and Aventurine is nothing if not a consummate gambler.

“… So again I ask you, what do you want for it?”

Nothing in this world comes for free. No one does anything for no reason.

Lyra blinks, raising a finger to tap at her chin in thought. Aventurine studies her carefully.

“… I want dinner,” she finally says. “I’m hungry.”

…

Aventurine is no stranger to taking gambles. But when it comes to Lyra…

All, or nothing.

(… Which one is it? Really, which one is it?)

[myouicieloz]

Nightmares

Huh Yunjin x reader

Synopsis: your friend had told you to talk to someone whenever you had a nightmare, to keep it from coming true. But what happens when it’s the middle of the night and there’s only one specific person to listen to your thoughts?

Warnings: …nightmare description i guess? Nothing too deep though (at least I don’t think so). slight hint of smut maybe…?

Word count: 1.9k

Notes: this is not the first time I publish something, but it is the first time I’ve written something K-pop related, as I’m kind of new into this world and there are still many things I don’t quite know about (I’m working on it tho!). So please be kind and lmk if there are any mistakes or things you’d like me to alter or improve on. (also i didn’t check for any mistakes bc if i reread it I’ll just delete all of it so…)

Water.

It was the only thing you truly felt, lingering all over your skin as the molecules invaded your body without permission. They occupied every single inch of yourself, assaulting your nostrils until it got to your lungs and all you could feel was a sickening burn, slowing crippling through your organs, depriving you of any kind of relief. You tried breathing, but all you got was more water instead. Desperate, your hands found a cold, harsh wall that kept you from the outside world, and no matter how hard you tried pushing and beating onto it, it simply didn’t falter. It was only then you realized: you were trapped inside a frozen lake, without air or any shot of escaping. The glacial waters welcomed your soul as you closed your eyes, finally accepting the lost battle. With one last thought, you sighed, allowing the rest of the waters to finally rest in your lungs, so you could be in peace.

Suddenly, you woke up. The upper-half of your body rose from your bed as you took deep breaths, appreciating the simple act of inhaling and exhaling. It was a gift, you’ve come to the conclusion: sometimes we forget how lucky we are to be able to do the simplest things, such as breathing. Such as living.

Running your hands through your hair and your face, you noticed how drenched in sweat your body was —your pajamas were wet from it. However, you were too busy trying to calm yourself down to do anything about it. Your mind didn’t seem to know it was all a nightmare. Sure, it felt so real… but it wasn’t, so logically there was no reason for you to be so shaken, trembling hands, rapid heart-beating and all. A few minutes went by, and you were still in the same position, not getting any better, so you’ve decided to get some fresh water to cool your thoughts.

You sighed in defeat when you noticed you weren’t going back to sleep so soon, picking up your phone and pushing your covers aside. Careful as to not wake up your roommate, Kazuha, you’ve made your way through the dorm, jumping at the slightest noise.

Now, sitting on the kitchen isle with a glass of water in your hands, you suddenly remembered something your friend, Yeji, had told you long ago. With that in mind, you glanced at the fridge’s clock before sending her a message. 3:28 AM.

Yeji unnie <3

heyy

you up?

Ive j had a rlly awful dream

You sighed when the messages weren’t even delivered, even though it was to be expected; the girls were busy promoting their new song and probably had a busy schedule tomorrow. It was only natural for Yeji to be sleeping, as you should be too. You and the girls have performed on the first shows of the tour, and your schedule is also as busy as ever. However, here you were, sitting at the kitchen counter, hands still trembling and mind replaying the previous nightmare in your head.

“Hey. Is everything ok?” A voice coming from behind startled you, making you jump in your seat and almost fall to your side. Luckily, a pair of hands steadied you, lingering seconds longer to make sure you weren’t going to slip.

You knew who it was without even looking back; her touches were too unique, made you too hot to go unnoticed. Indeed, Yunjin presented herself to you, making her way into the kitchen as she stared in your eyes with worry etched in her face. You cleared your throat, adjusting your posture so you wouldn’t look as fragile as you felt in front of her, at least. You hated looking fragile in front of anyone, let alone… her.

Likewise, you and Yunjin were close, as you were with the rest of the girls. But with her, it was just the way she portrayed herself that got you completely enamored. You’ve lost count of the times the girls teased you for losing focus at rehearsals because of her dancing. The way she was constantly trying to be the kindest version of herself, her passion for music, her care for others... it was hard not to be completely captured by her, truly. Which is why you were always awkward around her, specially when it was just the two of you, alone.

Like now.

“Ahn, no, unnie.” You said automatically, making her raise her eyebrows at you. Clearing your throat, you corrected yourself. “Yes, I meant yes. Everything’s ok. Sorry.”

Obviously, she wasn’t convinced. You drank from your water, trying to calm yourself down, but stopped when her soft hands kept you from drinking all of it in one go.

“Calm down, Y/n. You’ll end up drowning this way.” Her words were meant to be playful, but they reminded you of your nightmare, and suddenly the kitchen felt cramped, and you were there again, with the water making pressure to invade your lungs and the ice barrier and-

“Hey,” Yunjin’s voice was soft as she got closer, reaching out for a hug. “All is good; just breathe with me.” You focused on her face, ever so delicate, following her commands. After a few minutes, you were feeling much calmer. “That’s a good girl.” She praised, as you face the ground in embarrassment.

Taking your hands off her, you muttered. “Thanks, unnie.”

The words got to you, much to your dismay, and you could feel your face growing hot by it. Yunjin noticed it too, chuckling slightly.

“Cute.”

You faced your hands, embarrassed by your turmoil, and the two of you stood in an awkward silence until the sighed, taking the seat beside you.

“So… does this have something to do with Yeji?” She asked, cutting the apple you didn’t see her getting for herself, a cautious tone leaving her lips.

You frowned at the question. Why would yunjin think about Yeji? Seeing your confusion, she tapped on your phone over the balcony, still unlocked at the conversation with your friend. “Sorry for lurking. It’s just… you seemed really frightened, and I couldn’t help but look.”

Your bandmate was embarrassed to be caught, too, and you couldn’t help but giggle. Still, you reached for your phone to lock it; you couldn’t have Yunjin reading the messages you had sent Yeji about her. “It’s okay, unnie. I know you didn’t mean any harm.”

She hummed in response, still eyeing you attentively.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She seems to ponder her words better, as she adds, “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. It’s just that you’ve seemed really shaken. You still do, actually.”

Your hands flicker the empty glass nervously, unsure of what to do. You didn’t want Yunjin to think of you as something fragile or weak. Being only a few months older than Kazuha, you always tried your best to not be labeled as a maknae to any of the older girls, always trying to take care of them too, as you knew they needed it. But she was looking at you with such caring eyes, and the whole thing had just felt so real. You sighed in defeat, not quite looking at her face.

“It’s stupid, really. Just a stupid nightmare.” You toyed with your phone, doing anything to not stare at the older girl beside you. “About Yeji-unnie... she’d told me once we have to tell someone about your nightmares, to prevent them from coming true. That’s why I messaged her, but she’s sleeping, for sure.”

Now that the words left your mouth, you felt even sillier. And stupid.

“Well, want to tell me what the nightmare was about?” She asked just as quietly, a faint smile adorning her face. “We can’t have it come true, right?”

She wouldn’t judge you. Never judge you.

Your eyes finally met hers, and you got to look into the beauty that was her almond orbs. You took a deep breath, getting ready to live those moments again. Yunjin listened attentively as you talked, leaning on her hand to have her full attention on you. When you finished, you felt surprisingly lighter, no longer trembling or wanting to cry.

“It’s not stupid.” She said, after you were done talking. Her nose was adorably scrunched, and it made you want to kiss it. Yunjin touched your arms, offering you some comfort. “It sounded really traumatic, actually. I’m glad it was just a nightmare.”

You nodded, secretly relieved yourself, too.

A small breeze went through the room, making you shiver a little, even though you tried your best to suppress it. Yunjin noticed your reaction, and her gaze dropped to your pajamas. You cursed yourself for choosing such a small pair for the night. The fabric was still a little damp, and it partially clung to your chest. You weren’t even wearing any panties, because you’d never bothered to sleep with them on anyway, but you were suddenly hyper aware of it. As she scanned you whole and her eyes darkened, you couldn’t help but wonder if she’d ever thought about it too. Of you.

You’ve certainly had thought about her. An embarrassingly amount of times.

“You’ll catch a cold this way, Y/n. It’s cold outside.” Her voice made you feel as as if your body was filled with tiny needles, along with the familiar butterflies in your stomach.

“It bothers me to sleep with too many clothes, unnie. You know it.” You said, not intending to suggest anything, but biting your lips when the words came out of your mouth. It was another habit the girls always teased you for: you’ve often said things with double sense without thinking. Yunjin merely arched her eyebrows, smirking like she knew something.

“I know.”

You got up, forcing yourself to smile at her despite the awkwardness.

“I, ahn, I should go to bed now, we need to sleep. You should too, unnie, we have a busy day tomorrow and I’d hate to see you tired.” Your words brought her attention back, and she returned your smile with her beautiful one, getting up herself.

“Sure, sure, you’re right. Sleep well, Y/n. I hope you have good dreams, this time.” She looked like she wanted to step in and say something else, but decided otherwise.

“I will, unnie.” You’d surely remember how she had comforted you, and there simply wasn’t a possibility to have any nightmares after that.

You two walked the short hallway side by side, and since your room was first, you stepped by the door to bid her goodnight again. She was too close, and it made you weary of how you could see her so clearly, and even kiss you if you wanted to. If only you had the courage. “Thanks again, by the way. For listening and... well, for helping me calm down.”

“It’s nothing, Y/n. Remember I’m just down the hall if you need me, okay?” She was the one who broke the invisible barrier between you, shuffling your hair. She was close, too close as she whispered to you. “Sweet dreams.”

And as she left, you hoped she couldn’t hear how loud your heart was beating.

You got back to bed, but no matter how much you tossed and turned, you couldn’t stop replaying the events of earlier in your had. It was so natural, how her presence made everything lighter. Your head was so cluttered with your thoughts you barely registered the weight on your mattress, only realizing you had an extra visitor when she whispered.

“...Y/n?”

[callibones]

normally i feel completely sawed off from my pretransition self a lot of the time like i just crawled into a dead body and started it shaping into me. which is fun. but as i've gotten better at the piano i've gotten to play more and more of the dream songs ive been wanting to play since long before i was me.

i'm learning beethoven's pathetique first movement. the ultra famous one.

when i was a boy (was i a boy? i don't even know if i was me) and i was in third grade, i was very emotional. in music class, i couldn't listen to the pathetique without crying. as soon as i heard it i'd just start sobbing through those first few angry chords.

of course, i was mercilessly mocked for it. a boy crying at music class? the boring thing we all sit through and tolerate and hope it's boomwhacker day so we can do something besides listening to some ancient crusty classical music that sounds like cobwebs and dust? even the teacher was a bit exhausted by how dramatic my reaction was. this wasn't a few tears. i was full on sobbing and wailing, and each new melody the song brought made it worse.

one time, he asked me why, and i told him i felt so, so horrible for beethoven, who didn't get to hear that he'd made his masterpiece. he wrote such a wonderful piece and he didn't even know. and his friend, the story went, had to turn his head towards the applause for him to even know anyone had liked it. he wrote something frustrated and despondent and named it the pathetique, and thought he was suffering through it alone.

eventually, i learned to stop crying at the song. in 7th grade, after crying my way through elementary, i cried into middle school, and the mockery got worse because i was older, and i promised myself i'd never cry again. and i lost my tears.

i'd sawed off that part of me. i didn't listen to the pathetique.

i wouldn't regain the ability to cry, at all, ever, until six years passed and i started estradiol and the boy died and i came in to pick up the strings of the body he'd tried to neglect and rot so many times.

the first thing i did, as soon as i could, was cry at little things. stories i liked and beautiful days and friends' kind words all made me sob openly. i hear bets against the void now and every single time it makes the waterworks flow.

that was me. the new me. the me now. the girl in the boy's vessel. i cried at so many new things because i was alive and i was here and i wanted to feel everything and i wanted everyone around me to know it.

when i play the pathetique, though, the memories of my heart aching for beethoven and my sobs ruining 3rd grade music class feel unlike any other memory of the thing-that-i-am-not, because they're from my point of view.

i remember him.

he was alive and he was here and he wanted to feel everything and he wanted everyone around him to know it.

i made it home. he made it home. there was a symphony in him he couldn't hear, and it came out in angry sobs and too many tears until he tried to put it away.

and then we turned our head.

[williamswifey]

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘 𝐎𝐅 𝐔𝐒 - 𝐁𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐀 𝐑𝐀𝐌𝐒𝐄𝐘

pairing ; bella ramsey x fem!reader

summary ; you and bella’s love story told through taylor swift’s ‘the story of us’.

content warnings ; angst

a/n ; this is a multiple part fic !! i will link the other parts below when they’re published <33 sorry for ghosting u guys, ive been so busy :(

masterlist

i used to think one day we'd tell the story of us

you and bella had been the internet’s power couple for years. countless interviews, photo shoots, and social media posts had your relationship broadcasted nationwide.

you thought they were the one, but you were wrong. oh, how you were so wrong.

how we met and the sparks flew instantly

you and bella had met at a movie premiere a few years back. you were there in support of your friend, they had been invited by the producer of the movie.

they didn’t know anyone there, and you noticed them immediately—their personality was brighter than anyone you had ever seen and you just knew you had to meet them.

lucky for you, they had been thinking the same thing. the rest was history.

people would say, "they're the lucky ones"

you remembered looking at your social media comments, usually flooded with support of you and bella. there were always edits popping up on your for you page on tiktok, and you knew people loved you and bella together.

i used to know my place was a spot next to you

bella was the first person that you never doubted. you knew they loved you, it was set in stone. whatever you needed, they were there with open arms.

until they weren’t.

now i’m searching the room for an empty seat

when you and bella split. your world was turned upside down. you were so good at putting on a brave face—but truth be told, you felt out of place.

you didn’t know where to go, you had lost your special place in bella’s heart.

'cause lately i don't even know what page you're on

it wasn’t like you and bella were on terrible terms. they still texted you every so often, and sometimes commented on your social media posts.

but they broke up with you, not the other way around. so what exactly did they want from you?

oh, a simple complication

you and bella’s relationship began to crumble after an argument one day. they had a tough day at work, and came home to find you on the phone with your friend.

you were giggling at something your friend said and hadn’t even noticed bella got home. jealously soared through them like a burning blaze, and they asked you to get off the phone

well—not asked. demanded.

miscommunications lead to fall out

bella wasn’t a very jealous person. sure, sometimes they got possessive—but it was never overbearing or something that posed as a threat to your relationship.

it was like something snapped that day. bella didn’t even hear your side of the story, but accused you of cheating on them. it was so absurd, you were at a loss for words.

you loved bella. you’d never cheat on them, where did they even get an idea like that?

however, bella took your silence as an unspoken answer declaring your guilt. they told you they loved you, but they needed space, and went to stay with a friend for a few days.

when they came home, they sat you down and apologized. still, they said that they needed to work on themselves and needed time away from you. they left you in confused tears, as they closed the door and never looked back.

so many things that i wish you knew

when you and bella split, the media knew immediately, even though the two of you agreed to keep your breakup quiet.

you were still in disbelief of your abrupt breakup. just a month ago, things were perfect. but now? everything fell apart.

you just wished you could explain, but something deep down told you that something had been wrong in your relationship for a while, and this situation had been the perfect time to end things.

so many walls up i can't break through

while you and bella kept things friendly, you were unable to get the answers you desired. why did bella end things so abruptly?

you knew them better than anyone. and you certainly weren’t dumb enough to believe the reason they broke up with you was to ‘focus on themself’.

now i'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking

you had been invited to an award show. bella had been invited to the same one. it was awkward, at first—especially because all the paparazzi could talk about how you two had both attended the award show—but separately.

it caused your heart to ache, and you missed bella. they looked gorgeous, as usual. you tried your best to fake a smile, and it was working.

the award show had been going smoothly for the most part—until dinner. while most award shows had designated seating—this award show was disorganized behind the scenes, with no seating chart.

normally this wouldn’t bother you. normally, you and bella would be together, and it didn’t matter where you sat.

you could’ve been sitting in the parking lot eating cold pizza, and you’d still be happy, as long as you had bella.

the room was crowded, with so many familiar and famous faces in the area. you had spoken to a few of them, making small talk and mindless conversations.

after a few rounds of small talk, you grew bored. you leaned against the wall and took a sip of your drink, your eyes landing on bella, talking with a group of people.

you watched them speak with such rigor, such enthusiasm. you wished more than anything that it could’ve been you.

and i'm dying to know, is it killing you like it's killing me?

bella seemed unbothered but your breakup. they acknowledged you as if you were simply an aqaintance, and not someone who they’d known for years.

did they forget you knew everything about them? did they forget they knew everything about you? did they suddenly erase you from their memory?

you couldn’t lie and pretend you didn’t talk bella’s socials. you saw them living their best life, making new friends, getting new offers.

it was killing you to see bella so happy. you were happy for them, but a small part of you—the worst part of you, wished they weren’t.

you wondered if bella was like you—putting a brave face on for the world and breaking down at night.

it bothered you that you’d never know the answer.

i don't know what to say since the twist of fate, when it all broke down

you remembered your relationship with bella. it wasn’t perfect, but what relationship was?

was it your fault? had bella been going through something and you hadn’t noticed? your brain swirled with insecurities.

your life was picture perfect, down to the very last detail. but alas, your life’s track got derailed. everything snapped like a rubber band under too much pressure.

and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

you scrolled through your photo album of bella. photos of them sleeping—you thought they were the most angelic sleeper ever, photos of them you had taken off-guard and giggled about with them, and photos of the two of you together.

you thought bella was the one.

maybe they were it for you, but you hadn’t been it for them.

[twenyonepilots]

i feel like this album it's really hitting me how much time has passed. like tyler and josh have grown up, but so have we. ten years ago i'd curl up in my dorm room and feel so alone and put them on and it'd be a little better. now i'm going to concerts and listening parties with my wife🥹

Okay but same! like right in the nostalgia! its crazy that Tyler’s a dad now and Josh is married to Debby and we got to watch them grow up and navigate fame at a pretty young age and all this time has passed and while watching them grow up the clique grew up too like a lot of us fucking made it we clawed and ripped our way out of the darkness and i couldnt be more proud to be a fan of such a community its more than the music its the camaraderie of sticking it out together i cant even describe the feeling of pride and nostalgia that comes with this one it really feels like such a full circle moment…

let me just get a little emotional for a sec when i first started listening to them i was in such a similar situation i felt like i had no one that understood i was so lonely and depressed and had lost the majority of my high school friend group due to my 3 grippy sock vacations my junior year… i just remember feeling completely lost and alone before i found them and started listening to the music and im so glad that i did!

a fews day before i turned 18 i literally met my best friend and wife at a twenty one pilots show!!! i posted on here saying i had tickets to the show but no one to go with and i was nervous because it would be my first time going to a concert alone we ended up meeting up at the show and ive never been to a show alone ever since! when i turned 18 i got tyler’s writing on my ankle, “think” a promise to myself to keep going when times are rough and i never turned back….that tattoo is a decade old and fading now and twenty one pilots have been there for me every step of the way pulling me up and out of that trench and dont even get me started on the family that is the clique! like i met my wife at a twenty one pilots show and we’ve got to witness so much life through their music…so much love!! so many friendships! marriages! and little clique babies! vacations and dinners and parties and weddings and L I F E all because we loved a band. my nephew was born in 2016 and i didnt even get to meet him for a week because while he was being born i was in Michigan in line for emotional roadshow grand rapids and now my nephew is 8 and his f a v o r i t e band in the entire world is twenty one pilots he started drum lessons and when he had his first recital he did Jumpsuit because he wants to be just like Josh when he grows up i know im really on a tangent here but this band means so much its more than a band its more than music its everything i have thats good in my life because i found something to help me hold on

[sonikkublue]

goin on here to rant so most my ppl dont see, im not that active here anyways so who cares, i sure dont. my year has dragged me to my lowest point till ive become sucidal again. i dont like thinkin abt it but its there

i want to quit. i want to quit friends, i want to quit art, i want to quit everything. everything. including my au. i want to drop dead off the internet and prob go kill myself or reflect or smth. idk, one of those is better than the other, but again i dont know. everything is always hurting and ive been so numb to everything since this year has started, its only gotten worse. my friends arent makin this any better either

im done bein used, im done getting manipulated, im done seeing ppl favor one another right in front of me, im done w/ ppl not listenin to me when i try expressin smth im struggling w/, even if it wasnt much or none at all. i dont even vent a lot or at all. why?? cuz no one ever fucking listens, gets mad at me while i try talkin, pushes my issue away w/ another topic immediately. they my friends act more excited towards the other everyone else gettin smth meanwhile i get lil to none. i recognize im not gettin appreciated as everyone else in my friend group, like they're uninterested in me anymore. that they dont care. ive tried bein positive, i cannot. my friends have offered and offered and offered for me to talk to them if im ever bothered- "u can always talk to us if smth wrong" or smth like that...ok?? last time i broke down in call, one of my friends was playin cookie run to distract themselves, so they werent even fully listening...another time i just got flat out ignored, my issue got pushed aside by another art topic, "damn". NO ONE FUCKING CARES. i already know the cycle. too many times ive lived thru it and im only enabling it by gettin vulnerable. at this point, i cant trust my own friends cuz its so hard too believe them when they keep doin the same thing to me over and over. they're trying to prove smth to me to make me think they care. i dont fucking believe it cuz no one has ever shown care back for me, regardless of how much i give to them. theres that word again. i give so fucking much, and i hate myself for bein this way. most of the time i wish my au didnt blow up cuz its put so much pressure on me like the new friends that came and left in my life, me realizing i have to maintain an audience... idk, maybe im a lost cause. i cant do any of this anymore. i want to die. i dont like thinkin it, but i want too. theres so much stress, so much unbearable stress and anger. and no one will fucking care. ive been hurt by my own friends too many times. i dont say anything cuz its just gonna happen all over again, no how many times i *try* and bring it up to them, they will not fucking listen. no one ever fucking listens to me. i didnt like makin friends from the beginning, ive loved bein alone from the start, but everything happens naturally...unfortunately

i give and give and give and i get absolutely nothing back. im all used up.

idk everything fucking sucks rn. i didnt have to worry abt all of this when i was a smaller acc and i had myself. thats all i needed. now im just miserable. im depressed, sucidal thoughts are everyday, i cry to myself everyday and night cuz of it, im stuck living w/ this thing i made out of my pure "imagination" and that same thing almost made me kill myself one time, ive almost killed myself twice a couple months back- one in my parents bathroom and almost sneakin out of my window to wander away from home.

one day im goin to leave, and im not gonna say a word

[the-kipsabian]

He doesn't really need a tag partner (I'm sure there are people he trusts enough to team with) but if Chuck is out forever can we have Kip step in and be a person for OC to lean on? I mean we could get him on TV possibly weekly (win win in my book) plus maybe we can get OC corrupted and boom it helps push the storyline with Trent? IF Chuck is able to come back, maybe he uncorrupts him? Thoughts?

SO. im sorry ahead of time that this will get longwinded and probably not gonna make a lot of sense but i have A LOT of thoughts regarding this whole situation

so this has been a very common thing to discuss in my dms ever since the shades of the best friends betrayal started when trent and oc entered into the tag team tournament (also shoutout to bugs for dealing with my shit constantly cause i know i can be unhinged ough), and what we dubbed as savior!kip has become a very intense hope in this storyline so... yeah ive been thinking about this possibility a lot ngl

im gonna put the rest of this under the cut cause lmao yeah. im gonna go off the rails

i wanna start this by saying that while i do want chuck to come back, im specifically hoping that he'll come back to team with trent again and to torment oc, that all of this has been one big ruse to see if oc really is their best friend or not (spoilers: hes not. trent is right about everything he said dont @ me). and oc is slowly starting to lack friends; seeing how things are going, things with kris arent that great. shibata and hook have their hands full with so many other things. rocky is obviously siding with trent, even if he doesnt say it directly out loud but roppongi vice forever basically, and the rest of chaos is mostly in japan (and okada is evil now so...). danhausen basically doesnt exist anymore. everyone oc has had around him has slowly disappeared, for one reason or another

so where does that leave us, exactly? you turn to the other side (or more in this case, the other side turns towards you to help out)

kip has been critical on twitter about the don callis family, and basically saying he would never join them due to disrespect from don. and we all know how much kip loves and cares about oc (i dont have to proof this to you you have seen all the sweet tweets and other stuff. this man used to use the kissy face emoji frequently while tweeting at or about oc come on now), so seeing these two words colliding would probably not sit very well with him, i'd imagine. while someone could argue that kip has lost interest in oc since he has dropped the title and thats all that was ever about...

first of all, the "sweet little clementine" nickname has been used multiple times throughout the timeline. this wasnt just a mind game trick to get into ocs head during the title feud, it was in there way way before that ever happened (i believe we are talking about full gear 2020 if i recall my timelines right [its around 3 hours and 9 minutes]); he has always been affectionate about oc in a really weird way (hes british tho so thats probably why). second, how many times has kip been after anyone else between ocs title reigns and after? exactly zero. when mox and fenix were champs, he didnt say a peep (he did, whoever, put out my favorite tweet of all time when oc lost the title to mox). after oc gained the title, he started tweeting again about it. and again when oc lost it, not a word. kip hasnt said anything about the international title or rodney since then; the only time he did post, he told rodney to fuck off cause clementine was his. and since then? kip has been keeping an eye on the best friends feud so... do whatever you wish with that information (1, 2, 3)

the point is, the obsession was NOT with the title; hes just always been affectionate about and towards oc, but in a really weird and obsessive, kind of a destructive way

why is this necessary to bring up? well...

do you really think he would stand idly to the side to watch oc align himself with someone like don callis when all his other friends have abandoned him, all these things considered?

do i need to remind you of something? cause i will remind you of my favorite post

throughout this entire time, kip never gave up (im aware this is technically non-canon as this is a quote from stream but. if you know their history over on twitch, it counts. the feud bled over there during its prime too). yes this technically had everything to do with him tearing ocs friends away from him when this was posted, but.. dont you think its fitting tho? considering the situation oc is in now? and while yes it might seem that kip is taking the side of trent in this whole thing, this was specifically before don callis inserted himself into the situation by whispering whatever the hell into ocs ear

and what better time and way for kip to insert himself back into ocs life as the one person he can still rely on than right here and right now, when oc is so desperate for a connection and friendship that he'll take don callis of all people?

if we want to dig more into my personal observations, kip has never felt as respected or perceived as he did/does when hes across the ring from oc. this feud was the highlight of his career since the comeback (and arguably, his [and miros] feud with the best friends ending with arcade anarchy was the other, so these two have always been connected more or less), its the one thing people keep talking about in reference to him apart from the box; how he should have been the one taking the title from him, how kip should have been elevated from that point forward too. how people talk about him almost only when he has faced oc in the ring afterwards (which has been at least three times if i recall right from the top of my head) or had a chance to challenge again for that title before oc lost it entirely

so what is the conclusion i wanna draw from this? kip keeps bringing him up. he keeps on leeching on him. he wants that attention off of oc, but also from oc. and what better way to do that than to now befriend him, show him support, be there for him when everyone else has abandoned him?

except its not entirely malicious. it might start as such, but its definitely mutually beneficial, more so than intended; sure maybe kip takes the chance to get to oc when hes down and vulnerable, but theres also that high chance that he'll see he can actually help. kip can help pull oc back up and help rebuild him. kip can be useful and important in this equation too, not just oc (which.. its gonna show kips true colors tbh. considering how kip treats oc as a whole, but he was taking trents side earlier about everything when best friends broke apart so...)

i think this is enough of me rambling, so im gonna get to the point of the ask lmao; but yeah, while i'd love for chuck to come back, i dont think he needs to be the one to uncorrupt oc from under kips spell. cause there wont be a spell to begin with. while yes it might start more or less as a corrupting relationship if they got to tag together with oc, i dont think ultimately it would be harmful to him. just like kip would be there to be supportive of oc, eventually he would return the favor by helping kip flourish, like he has done more indirectly in the past. they are mutually beneficial to one another, for better or worse maybe, but its not going to lead oc down a dark path in my opinion. if anything, oc is uncorruptable at this point (especially without the belt but i feel like that story has completely died by now with roddy holding the title so im not going to touch that rn), and him getting love and support from someone genuine, although surprising in this case, it would just make him more likely to return that favor than to turn against it. what i mean is, oc would be the one to uncorrupt kip, if anything

thank you for coming to my tedtalk and im soooooo sorry for all of this

[hippolotamus]

Tagged by @your-catfish-friend Thank you love 💕

Tagging @shortsighted-owl @alyxmastershipper @stereopticons @blackandwhiteandrose @vanillahigh00 @elvensorceress @giddyupbuck @disasterbuckdiaz @spotsandsocks @monsterrae1 @heartshapedvows @mysteriouslyyounggalaxy @statueinthestone @loserdiaz @rmd-writes @apothecarose LOML @lizzie-bennetdarcy @chaosandwolves @forthewolves @thewolvesof1998 @eddiediaztho @barbiediaz @buddierights @911onabc @wikiangela @wildlife4life @honestlydarkprincess @spaceprincessem @watchyourbuck @eowon @ladydorian05 @onegirlandherpenwriting @walnuts-and-berries @pirrusstuff if you wanna

I’ve been thinking about this particular Fuck It Friday a lot. What, if anything, I wanted to say. And honestly I’m still a little unsure and kinda flying by the seat of my pants here. Placing it under the cut, because it’s a sensitive topic that might not be your jam (and that’s okay!)

p.s. if you read the only thing that matters now (is everything) 1) i thank you and 2) i am very much looking forward to sending Alexis and Twyla on a much deserved 17 day anniversary celebration 💖

This past April I turned 38. I had been doing a lot of inner work and finally - fucking finally - felt like I had plans for the next steps in my life. Just over 2 weeks later I was given some News™️. Needless to say all of my well laid plans took a backseat. To doctor appointments, surgery, a very unexpected hospitalization, fatigue and lethargy like I have never experienced before, so 👏 many 👏 fucking IVs and tests👏… seriously feels like I’m working my way through the worlds worst bingo card.

And all of it the result of something I was confident I was too young to have. Wrong again. Hippo: 0 Cancer: who TF even knows, I’ve lost count

But as miserable as it’s all been, today is nothing short of a spectacular day. I’ll have my final dose of chemo, and celebrate moving forward with the people I love most. You know who you are. I love you more than I could ever express in a hundred lifetimes. And I don’t know how I could have ever managed through this without you. Sure I could have, but it’s been infinitely easier this way 💞 Thank you for giving me a safe place to exist and for always letting me feel like a normal human.

[bamgyw]

i’m so sorry for this rant in advance😭. for a little backstory i’m 20 and i’ve been with my boyfriend since i was 15. he is pretty much perfect. he is supportive of my passions, he is understanding, he is sweet, and we have sooo much in common. lately ive been feeling extra lost and down due to (most likely) going off of anti depressants that i have also been on for 5 years. i feel very confused about who i am and also have been disassociating which is something ive never experienced before. ugh im so sorry this is getting so deep😭. i really do love him but im just so confused on if i’m IN love with him anymore. i mean we try to be intimate but the past few years due to body changes and stuff it’s really hard for me to find pleasure in it. when i read fictional things i definitely enjoy that (thanks father rey🫡) but it’s so hard when it’s actually real life. in the past i’ve also become like infatuated or had “crushes” on other people during our relationship but obviously of course never acted EVER on these feelings. when i would look things up people would say these things are normal so i would try not to dwell on it. but right now there is nobody that i have feelings for (at least that’s real or someone i know) yet i still feel distant from my boyfriend. our lives are so intertwined in literally every aspect and we have so many memories together. i can’t possibly imagine my life without him and it scares me thinking of a future where he isn’t the one that i’m with. life would be so different than what it has been and he is my best friend as well. the thought of us not being together devastates me. even with all of these things i can’t help but imagine my life sometimes if i were to be with other people or just be single and move some where across the world and live all of these unrealistic dreams that i have. sometimes i feel like i’m settling. not because he isn’t good enough but because it’s the exact opposite. he is too good and deserves all the love in the world. i want to be in love with him so badly. i just don’t know if i am anymore. like are these fleeting feelings that will go away or is this just my mental illness speaking?? i don’t know anything anymore. all that i know if that I actually just don’t know anything at all anymore. everything hurts so much. being an infp on top of this makes it so much worse😩. i’m not even expecting you to know an answer to this of course but i haven’t even told anyone in my life the way i’ve been feeling. i’m scared that if i say it out loud things will change. i just hurt so much every single day and this has been going on for over a month now. somehow it feels like an eternity though. thank you for taking the time to even read or respond to this😭❤️

well first off, breathe and take this virtual kiss on your forehead. mwah. this is painfully complex, which makes it very human, too. and that is good. it means we're alive and functioning. i promise that all this hurt won't last forever. it never does. we got this !!

i'm sorry for taking so long to reply to you :(, i wanted my thoughts to be somewhat meditated so i could make sense and be as helpful as humanly possible.

also, please don't apologise. you all keep apologising when you think you're bothering me or annoying me or sending asks too long WHICH IS NEVER TRUE so yeah, there's none of that in reyville. we're all really cool no matter what.

and if only the act of sharing this has been useful in the slightest, even just for the relief value of venting, then it was more than worth it and i'm really glad you did !!

first thing is the going off meds. antidepressants are bitch. i don't know which ones you were taking specifically, but usually what they do is numb you out instead of taking away your pain, right? they don't make you feel less shitty, just limit your ability to feel at all. which is fucked up, because the day you stop taking them all the pain comes to you at once. and you don't know what to do with yourself and you feel miserable and you don't even know why.

so. i'm no one and i know nothing. still. i am your friend from the internet, which is a sacred bestie bond, so i'm gonna try to be as honest as i possibly can.

but ultimately you're the person who knows yourself the best (you're literally you), so the wisest and most valuable opinion is always your own, which is fucking scary because freedom is a prison. but you're cool and i trust you, so.

so (and again, i'm not a psychiatrist i'm a rando on the internet), i think you're right when you say that going off the meds might be a reason why you're in so much pain. you need to be patient and allow your brain some time to balance the chemicals and get used to working on its own.

but beyond that, you're feeling shitty and lost, which absolutely fucking sucks. your pain is here and widespread and tangible and so we need to cope with that now !!

when you talk about that inability to feel pleasure, again, mental illness is literally crippling. so you shouldn't press yourself about not being able to enjoy getting intimate with your boyfriend. just take your time and get comfortable with yourself first.

and don't get the concepts of love and attraction confused !! you struggling a little to get turned on does absolutely not mean that you love him any less. asexual people exist, and they date and get married !!

love comes in so many different ways, even within one person. so don't be scared because things aren't as they used to. even if you were feeling great emotionally, things like this happen all the time and it's alright !! your libido might not always be on the high, and so what? and with all that's going on inside your head, it's understandable that you can't enjoy getting intimate.

i feel like i can't advise you to tell your boyfriend about this because i don't really know him and i don't know how he would react. but you do know him !! so if you trust him and you think it's safe, in time and whenever you're comfortable, talk to him. your mental health is your right and duty, but this involves him as well, so maybe he deserves to know. (and he definitely will be able to help you. more than me, at least).

the precise point of it being not real is that there is no risk, nothing to lose. you're allowed to be at your most open and comfortable. that's why fic writing is often brought up in conversations about feminist sexual liberation, because in real life there are little to none safe spaces for girls. so they, we (assuming that you share this experience) wouldn't get a chance to explore our sexuality were it not for fiction. (i rambled i'm sorry).

still, i don't think your libido is entirely broken? you mentioned only getting turned on by fiction, but that's literally so common. if it weren't, the idol industry would totally crumble.

it's pretty simple, in fiction there's no danger to the relationship, no actual commitment and no threat of failure. it's not real, it has no effect in your life. so all those worries that clog up your brain in real life and that paralyse you—do i still love him, do i love him like he deserves, what would i do without him— those ugly but very necessary parts of a relationship are just gone.

that's the beauty of literature of any genre, it's a chance to try and fail without real consequences. an exploration.

but it can also be a great source of dissatisfaction, when real life feels dull and not enough. there's a beauty to that dullness too, though sometimes it is a little harder to see. that's where the deep bond with your boyfriend comes to play.

there's the line (this is stupid, sorry, it just reminded me of it) in the intro to the new ariana grande album. "how can i tell if i'm in the right relationship? aren't you really supposed to know that shit? feel it in your bones and own that shit?"

you mentioned he's your best friend, and i think that's so cherishable. personally, i value having someone to share life with so much, (i'm terrified of being alone, and now i'm supposed to insert some lame joke to make it goofy) but i also understand that great fear of not being satisfied in that kind of traditional, unbreakable concept of relationship.

i think fear of commitment is so much deeper than people usually make it out to be. he's perfect, but is he perfect for me? no one is ever gonna make me feel this safe and loved, but also, why does it feel like it's not enough? it fucking sucks.

but there's so many external things that can be triggering all those thoughts. things neither you nor your boyfriend can control.

there's the antidepressants. there's the fact that you've been with your boyfriend since you were fifteen?? that's so fucking young, you were babies !! you don't know how to live a life without your boyfriend because you practically never have. there's the combination of everything that just results in that anxiety storm which might also be causing you to wanna run away and live a completely different life !!

whatever you do, just remember that there's no such thing as a bad choice. you have a right to be curious and want to explore other ways of life, and you also have a right to look for stability with your boyfriend. they're both scary, and there's a lot of pondering to do. but i believe in you !!

your boyfriend is so important, and he deserves all the best. but the best is almost never pretending that everything's going fine so that he doesn't get upset. loving him like he deserves might mean talking to him earnestly about everything you're feeling, or even a sincere break up.

and please don't take this as me encouraging you to break up with him. only you know if that's the right choice. i just want you to walk without guilt into whatever path you think it's the right one.

as you think about all this, love yourself a lot. that'll make everything easier. (cliché but true) you need integrity and a lot of self-respect to make the best possible decisions, for you and for everyone you love.

please try to not get anxious. to keep your head a little cold and your heart calm. if not, your fears will turn into these irrational bloodthirsty monsters and every decision will feel like it's life or death. it's not, it's gonna be okay.

talk to yourself as you would talk to dear friend, be supportive of yourself. sometimes it even helps to put yourself in a third person pov and think about your problems as if they were happening to a character !! (again, the holy power of story).

and don't hesitate to send in as many asks as you need and talk to me about anything !!

i hope i didn't make too many stupid points during this long ass speech, and i hope i didn't tell you too many things you already knew. i really want you to feel better, and i trust that you will.

be strong !! a hundred thousand kisses.

[wishful-seeker]

I will soon be the only person in my close family to not finish college because illness forced me to leave, and thats a strange feeling. Im not sure how i feel about it.

I feel a little alienated because of it, but even though i LOVE learning and i enjoyed college classes, i didn't enjoy college itself.

Even in high school i was the "sick kid" and missed a year there, so feeling like i don't belong isn't new.

But i really thought I'd meet people like me in college, but all i found was snobby rich kids that ignored my existence. I genuinely tried making friends but college students are not my type of people.

I don't know if this is because i wore braces on my knees, or because they could tell i was poor, not sure but college kids always gave me bad vibes.

Im sad that the things im truly passionate about isn't taught in college, and i miss the classes i did have, but i don't think a fancy college was ever my scene. Maybe i would've fit better at a community college. But im probably too disabled to ever find out.

Idk i guess it feels strange because i was heavily encouraged to go to college, and now i can't even if i wanted to. Its weird that i could probably guess the view outsiders have of my life, how they'd feel bad for me, or laugh at what I've become.

And i think of that a lot: how outsiders may view my life. "Oh so sad, look how far she's fallen." Ya know

But im happy

I LIKE my life, sure i got all As and Bs in college, sure i won a writing contest in my class, and yes i also completed a triathlon before all this. So many medals saying "look how hard i worked, look what i accomplished" but when i was accomplishing those trival things i was really lost and alone on the inside, those medals were to convince myself i was better than the years before this one, a lie that i was becoming my best self.

But now all that shit is gone, dead, useless to me. Eventually i was left alone, with NO distractions, only my mind and a body i couldn't move in. Only a bed, in a room, no where else to go. Everything i thought that mattered, everything i connected my worth with, suddenly didn't mean anything anymore, because all that was was my chronic pain, and what i did with it. All that mattered now was fighting for a better life, for freedom from a bed, for freedom within my head.

I had to rebuild myself from nothing, i had to literally rewire my brain. I studied neuroplasticity and my only goal was to train my brain to be able to live with this pain. And i had to change a LOT. I can tell you my mind and the internal dialog in my head is completely different from 2 years ago, and also much a much kinder, and safer place.

So no, i won't finish college, im gonna be poor forever, i wont work, but i am much happier.

I finally feel like the best version of myself. The challenges i face in my life are no longer overwhelming, but a cycle ive grown rather fond of. Im so secure with myself that i can say "this next hardship will be good for me." And i don't think many people have the privilege of being that optimistic when faced with stressful situations.

It would have taken me my whole life to get to this point if i was still focusing on things like grades.

Im happy, and im more proud of myself than when i beat a triathlon, or won art contests.

[empresskadia]

Alright, hear me out:

Naomi's s/o becoming a Spartan-IV was the best idea ever and now I've come up with two ideas for it:

One idea I had was when she found out her partner had undergone augmentation after having their file declassified, she finally gets to go see them expecting to give you, a new Spartan, a piece of her mind.

But you're not a Spartan. Not yet. You're the slowest recovering candidate.

The other idea I had was that the s/o, instead of being assigned to her immediately like Musa planned, was given to the Mark VII project to test the platform for Spartan-IVs. So when they finally meet again, they're wearing more or less the same armor.

I'm telling you, I love these Naomi-010 asks, they seriously always make my day. My co-worker told me my face lit up and he could tell it was something Halo-related.

I hear you friend and I love both ideas!

The first one would cause Naomi to genuinely panic and any anger she may have held, vanishes. She's reminded of her own argumentations and how many sisters and brother-in-arms she's lost. This was why she didn't want her partner to become a Spartan, now she had to stand there and think if they were going to make it or not. Of course, she wants to see them and just looking at you hooked up to machines in a hospital bed breaks her heart and reminds her of how long it took Kelly to recover. Naomi hopes this is a Kelly situation, where you get back on your feet stronger than ever.

In the second one, Naomi is just confused when Serin tells her you won't be returning to Kilo-Five, of course, she's worried, she wanted to see her partner first and make sure they were okay with her own eyes before giving them a piece of her mind. But does this mean you were sent on a different mission? Naomi tried to contact you, whether by call or message, she didn't expect the call to go through but got a reassuring message that you were alright and that you were sorry you couldn't say anything. This helps her focus on her current task until your paths cross with hers again and Serin promised she would do everything in her power to make it happen. But imagine her surprise when UNSC Port Stanley docks on Earth and there is a Spartan in full armor waiting, armor that looks similar to hers in design but the color scheme is different. They were colors that reminded her of you, and then it clicked and Naomi was relieved and ecstatic.

Let me add to this, what if Musa never intended for them to go back to Kilo-Five? What if he moves them straight to, let's say, the Headhunters? Or put them on the Infinity as Commander Palmer's second in command?