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thelov3lybookworm · 1 year

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You Desrve Better (part two)

Part one

Althea built her courage up as she neared Rhys's office. She knew he'd be sad and furious, knew he'd try to stop her from leaving. He was stubborn like that. But if he was stubborn, so was she. She would leave, even if it meant she'd have to leave without his consent.

These past weeks had been a shit show to say the least. Trying to avoid Azriel everywhere she went was hard, and it was taking a toll on her. She had almost locked herself in her room for the whole day countless times now due to the embarrassment of her misunderstanding. But she knew that if she did that, someone would come to get her, and she didn't have the energy to explain things to the busybodies that were the inner circle.

She was so lost in her thinking about what she would say to Rhys to convince him to let her go, she didn't realise she was standing right outside the door to his office. The noise of a glass hitting the floor and breaking pulled Althea from her thoughts about what he would think about her decision, and she finally lifted her hand to knock on the door to Rhysand's office. Everything went silent.

She waited for sometime before knocking again. "Rhysie open up. I know you're in there. If you don't, I'll let myself in, and you'll like that a lot less–"

The door swung open silently before she could finish. She walked in and surveyed the mess created on the floor by the glass that had broken. Sighing, she looked up at Rhysand, taking in his halfway unbuttoned shirt, tousled hair and wildly beating pulse. He was standing in front of his desk, looking like a boy who was caught doing something that his mother had specifically told him not to do.

"Tell whoever you are hiding in here to wait outside, I need to tell you something."

"What could be so important that it couldn't have waited until the morning?" He looked extremely pissed now. "What could be so important that–"

"If you would shut up and let me speak, maybe you'd know. Send them out."

"Tell me now. She isn't going out."

"Rhysand, its either she goes out or I do. And you will definitely not like me leaving this place without telling you."

His brows furrowed before he cleared his throat. "Please wait outside, darling. I'll call you back in.

"The closet behind him opened and out came a beautiful female, with blonde hair and blue eyes. She gave Althea a disgusted look before walking out and closing the door behind her. Althea followed her every move before turning back to Rhysand.

"This better be something good." Rhys said.

"Trust me it is." She folded her arms, taking a deep breath. She put a spell for masking anything they say to prying ears before continuing. "I'm leaving. I would like to travel the continent, then maybe go to Vallahan. I–"

"What? Why?"

"Let me finish speaking Rhys." She jabbed her finger at him. "I won't be coming back unless I wish to. I will be writing letters to you, if you want, that is. Also, I don't want you to send people after me because I can take care of myself. Get it?"

"But why Thea? Is something wrong?"

"Nothing’s wrong Rhys. I just wish to explore the world out of Velaris and Night Court. Is that so bad? Wanting to see the lives that probably are completely different from ours?"

"That is not the only reason, is it?"

She sighed. He knew her too well to accept her dumb excuse. "Rhys. I'm tired. Tired of trying to hide from Azriel and what I felt for him. I need time to process everything that's been going on. Please. I promise I will come back. Someday." She wanted to kick herself for saying the last part, knowing that he had heard it. Any chance she would have had of leaving was now gone.

"Someday? No Thea. I'm not letting you leave. Stay with us. I'm sure we'll figure something out. You just– just wait. You'll forget it. You'll forget him. I'm–"

"Please Rhysie–"

"No. I'm not letting you put your life in jeopardy just because a guy rejected you. We'll get through it together, I swear."

It was inevitable, she knew. Him trying to stop her. And because she didn't want to argue, because they'd be here all night then, and she still had some packing to do, she nodded. He raised his eyebrows and she sighed before nodding again. He held out his arms, and she stepped into them, resting her head on his shoulder. She stayed there a moment longer before stepping back. She gave him a reassuring smile, then turned to leave. Just before she exited the office, she turned back to Rhys.

"You know I love you, right?"

"Of course I do sister. I love you too." She nodded before returning to her room.

•○🌑○•

Rhys's pov

She lied.

Althea had lied to him.

And he cursed himself for not realising it before. Maybe it was the previous day's tiring events. Maybe it was his lust addled brain and the beautiful female waiting for him. Either way, it didn't excuse him not paying attention to his sister.

He'd been woken up by Nuala, asking him why Althea was standing in the garden with a bag. It took him a moment to understand, but when he did, he jumped out of bed and started pulling on his pants, not caring that Nuala was still in the room. He winnowed right to the front steps of the house, and saw Althea at the gates.

"No." It came out as a broken whisper, his throat closing up as Althea stepped out of the protective bubble surrounding the Town House. He wasn't sure anyone could have heard him, but she did. She turned to him as he tried to make his way to her, stumbling over his own feet.

She had tears streaming down her face. She shook her head, giving him a shaky smile, mouthing the words 'I'm sorry'. Before...

She vanished.

•○🌑○•

She still heard his voice.

The tiny, broken no that made her turn and look at him.

She still remembered the look his face.

The look on Rhys's face as he fell to his knees, opening his mouth to say something to her, before the darkness had consumed her. The hurt. The horror. The realization that she really was leaving. The silver lining his eyes.

It had been ten years, and the memories still haunted her dreams.

She felt guilty and sad for hurting her family, but not regret. Never regret. If she hadn't left that day, she never would have become the person she was today, and she was quite proud of herself.

Althea rubbed her eyes as she got up from her desk, forcing herself to stop thinking of that morning. Finally getting up from her work and wondering what she'd make for dinner after having skipped lunch in favor of reading all the reports sent to her by Rhysand regarding the Illyrian camps, she made her way into the kitchen.

As she prepared a sandwich, the sound of something light dropping on the counter behing her made her turn. A rolled up piece of paper lay there. Rhys had either sent her a new report or a mission. That's how they had been communicating for the past decade. If they wanted to tell each other something, they'd write it down and send it.

For the past year, Althea had settled down in one of the cold mountains of night court, the type where there usually would be Illyrian camps. But this one was secluded enough that there were no camp near her that it they could become a nuisance, but near enough that if she was in danger, she could winnow there easily.

She cleaned her hands before picking the paper up. A new mission. The Skyward Camp, the camp nearest to Velaris, hadn't been sending in the monthly evaluations to the High Lord for the past couple of months. Rhys had tried contacting them by writing to them. Sending people there. But they never came back with any useful information always saying the Lord of the camp sent them away. He wanted her to go there to try and see what was going on, and if they still didn't get any answers, he'd go there himself.

Althea decided she'd leave for Skyward after she finished dinner. She wrote back to Rhys before devouring her sandwiches, packing a bag with the things she'd need and winnowed away.

•○🌑○•

lthea studied the Skyward camp from the forest near it. It was silent. Not in the eerie kind of way, but a peaceful kind of way.

A twig snapped behind her, and immediately her dagger was in her hand as she whipped around. An Illyrian male stepped from the shadows, his wings tucked behind his back.

"Who are you?" The male asked.

"Why should i answer you? Who are you?" Althea retorted.

"Because I asked you a question. And I am the one who looks after the camp when the Lord isn't here."

"Oh. Wait. Are you saying the lord of the camp isnt here?"

"Oh no my dear. I'm not saying that. In fact, he's on his way here. I'm saying that he'll be extremely pissed when he gets here. And so if you don't want to be subjected to his wrath, you should tell me who you are. So, let's do this again. Who are you?"

Before she could say anything, a voice spoke from behind her.

"Tch tch, Kieran. Is that how we speak to our ladies?"

She turned halfway, not wanting to keep her back to the other male, and saw the most beautiful male she ever laid her eyes on.

Dark hair and amber eyes. He gave her a half smile which showed the dimple in his left cheek.

"Hello, sweetheart."

•○🌑○•

(Can you guess who these guys are? Can you tell who this guy with the dimples is?)

Hint: he is from another book series not of sjm

Taglist: @bubybubsters

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privateanxieties · 9 months

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forget my mercy, take my blame (chapter 6)

Summary: David has a conversation with you that Frank most definitely did not approve of. But, what Frank doesn't know won't hurt him. Right?

Words: 2.3K

PREVIOUS CHAPTER | SERIES MASTERLIST

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David needs to tread carefully. The last time he did something like this was when he talked to Madani behind Frank's back, and Castle let him know what he thought of him in no uncertain terms. It nearly ended their friendship. A repeat experience might actually entice Frank to drive back to New York just to communicate his feelings about this second subtle betrayal.

Okay— so maybe he's being a snake in the grass. But if being a snake means he gets to avoid Frank walking into a silent trap and prevent her from getting herself killed, then David will slither right along with a clean conscience. It doesn't mean he won't be a little nervous when he has to break the news to his friend, but he'll cross that bridge when he gets to it.

In the meantime, he repeats the information he wants to relay in his head as the phone rings, much like he would for a doctor's appointment.

After the fifth ring, a whooshing crackle floods the speakers, and a quick glance at his third monitor reveals the phone is still on the ground. He's getting clear blue skies and tree branches through the frontal camera he surreptitiously activated.

"Hello?" he says, and if his voice wobbles just a bit, he chalks it up to not having done this in a while. Truth be told, he was almost as nervous to do it to Frank for the first time, back when he was trying to get them to team up. He suspects nothing of the sort will be happening here.

"Hellooo? Are y—"

"Let me see you or I hang up."

He freezes at the sudden command. Shit. No. No, absolutely not. He's not turning on the camera. Play dumb.

"This isn't that kind of call—"

"You have ten seconds."

Fuck.

"How did you—"

"I changed my mind. Five seconds."

Fuck! Jesus Christ, Sarah was going to murder him herself. Time runs out and he resigns himself to his fate, granting permission to his video feed at the last second and instantly cringing at the mustard-stained shirt staring back at him in high definition. For a while, things are silent. Then, a full-blown sigh is released through the speakers as the woman comes into view, having finally picked up the phone. She looks a little worse for wear with the sun beating down upon her, but David can't make out too much detail in her face. It's a poor connection on her end and a shitty camera, mostly because the phone was built for durability more than anything else.

Silence ensues again as they stare each other down for a few long moments. David blinks first.

"Are you going to say anything? Because—" he begins, but is interrupted yet again.

"Are you his sidekick? You look like a sidekick. The nerdy type, obviously," the woman says. David takes immediate offense, yet he finds that in this instance, he kind of fits the role she assumes of him. He's got monitors for days both in front and behind him, and the newly acquired pair of glasses he hasn't gotten used to rests uncomfortably on the bridge of his nose. He has to admit he looks the picture. Still, he protests.

"Frank doesn't do sidekicks. And anyway, I'm more of a guidance system. He'd be lost without me. So, not a sidekick," he chides. Even with the shitty connection he can tell she isn't impressed.

"Yeah…" she says, sounding pretty bored to David's ears. "…To be honest with you, I don't care. I want you both to leave me the hell alone. Figure you can use your guidance system to get lost?"

David resists the urge to roll his eyes, though a snort does escape him.

"Trust me, this wasn't my idea. I think you might want to listen though, before you make any more wise choices, yeah? Because right now, I'm your only chance of avoiding a bullet," he warns.

"Is your friend looking to return the favor?" she asks. David balks at the misunderstanding.

"What? No! Not from Frank. You know, I don't think you've realized yet that he's actually trying to help you. I mean, okay— He's not the most friendly-looking guy, but he means well. And I don't think he blames you for shooting him, if you were worried about that."

"I wasn't." She moves some hair away from her face, seeming to gaze at something in the distance. "As for helping me, nobody asked him to. If he gets involved again—"

David takes the chance to interrupt her this time.

"Did you kill Collins?"

An amused smile subtly lights up her face.

"I'm sorry, who?"

"Come on, we both know what I'm talking about."

"You expect me to admit to murder over FaceTime?"

"You think I'm recording this?"

"No, no. I trust you, stranger who knows my name and location."

David's eyes roll back until they hurt. And he thought talking to Frank was like herding cats. He decides he's fine with being accused of having no patience; he has to break through her unbothered exterior somehow, and letting her know the depth of the pile of shit she's in might be a good start.

"There's an APB out for your arrest in Apolline County."

It feels like entire minutes pass as he studies her features, though in reality it can't be more than a few seconds. David thinks he sees a hint of the emotions she ought to be feeling, but they disappear as soon as they come. She reverts to impassivity, but at least now he knows it's a carefully constructed façade. This isn't unlike someone else he knows, and he dreads to think what other points of congruence might be found between them. To his trained eye, she and Frank are pretty similar.

"Hm. Well that's handy. I was just about to turn myself in."

Morbidly similar.

"You're going to the police?!" David sputters, incredulous.

"The police went to my house. I'm just paying it forward," she replies, and it's at this point that David wonders if he shouldn't just let her and Frank figure it out themselves, because this kind of stubbornness will never be reasoned with.

"You're walking into a trap, is what you're doing," he mutters, watching his screen for any pending alerts. He needs a new approach to this entire conversation. He needs to stop wasting time.

"Not anymore, now that you've told me they're looking for me."

David thinks talking to a wall might actually result in a more fruitful exchange. Jesus Christ. He slams a hand down on his desk in frustration.

"No, you don't understand. The arrest isn't based on a warrant. No judge issued one. It means the police are trying to find you without anyone knowing it if they do. That's why they didn't broadcast it beyond county lines. They don't want anyone asking questions. They're luring you and you're giving them exactly what they want."

"And why exactly are they luring me, if you're so knowledgeable?" she drawls, leaning against a tree.

"Personally, I think it might be because you did exactly what Frank warned you not to do," David snarks.

"What's that?" she asks with a sigh.

"Uhh… Starting a war with a drug cartel because you killed their boss' little brother?"

Silence.

Prolonged, extended silence. Laborious. Heavy. Poignant, if David may say so himself.

"He did tell you that, didn't he?"

Extremely poignant, apparently.

In retrospect, you did hear something about a war coming out of Frank's mouth right before you shot him. The information had not been this concise, unfortunately. Perhaps his nerdy friend should've been the one relaying all the details from the beginning. Perhaps you shouldn't have shot him like a spaz just because he blocked the door , your conscience objects. Eyes rolling back into your skull, you ponder the inconvenience-turned-potential-disaster while the phone waits inside the van, urgency be damned. With your head leaned against the tree bark, you quietly wish for that clarity you had just hours ago to return. Could things be better? Maybe, but that's neither here nor there. Could they be worse? Definitely. Regardless, the future is the only thing you control.

A bird's eye view from an omniscient being would be nice to have. Instead, you're weighed down with hindsight and nothing else, much like the never-ending video loop of past events. You know what happened and in what order, but you can't intervene. The what-ifs begging to be factored into your reasoning are harshly buried. You've been down this road before, and those questions only serve as a distraction. You're not very interested in avoiding reality at the moment, particularly when your mouth is parched and you're showering in your own sweat under the Utah sun.

A few more hours to go until dusk and you're stuck in a random patch of woods, theoretically armed to the teeth but realistically fucked in more than one capacity. Fresh off a murder. An APB for your arrest that only a couple of police stations know about, both under the Sheriff's jurisdiction and command. A home that was broken into by that very Sheriff. Location and name known to a very talkative and weird stranger, who appears to be friends with a not very talkative, even weirder stranger. Micro and Frank , a perfect comedy duo.

So here you are, realizing how complicated the situation is and immediately resentful of the fact that you agreed to work with someone who has clear leverage over you. Around you, the woods are pretty quiet, not that you're very deep inside the tree line. You can still spot the road ahead if you peer around Frank's van, and it's still just as empty as you knew it would be on a Sunday afternoon. The occasional supply truck traveling between towns doesn't really amount to much traffic. There are no birds chirping or leaves rustling, because everything is either dead or dying here. You don't intend to become one with the scenery of godforsaken Utah, so just this once, you ate your pride. It went down worse than a dry-swallowed pill. Well, at least now you know what Sam meant by 'my brother's going to kill you'. Actually, you think he might've said 'fucking kill you'. A small chuckle tickles your parched lips. Sometimes you just have to learn to find these things funny.

Agreeing to follow Micro's instructions is most definitely funny, considering your general inability to do as you're told. The contents of his plan are also hilarious in and of themselves: leave Apolline and never look back, keep the phone with you so he knows when you've left the state entirely, and in exchange he'll pretend he lost your trail when his friend asks about you.

In all honesty, you're not sure what their deal is. Why Frank is eager to get in your way and his friend is willing to lie to ensure that he doesn't is just another one of life's little mysteries. One thing, however, is no mystery: you don't want to cross paths with the man you shot, grudge or no grudge. Leaving suits you just fine from this perspective, but from another, doing as Micro said is completely at odds with your whole life philosophy. You're not looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life, and that's exactly what you would be doing if you cut your losses and left. You could've done that back in the desert, but you didn't. You came back for a reason.

O'Hare was inside your house. It doesn't matter that you were never going to live in it again after what happened. He invaded your space. He was looking for something — apparently, that something was indeed you. An inelegant snort falls from your lips. He wants to arrest you? You can only imagine his line of thought: someone murdered an old woman on your porch, so naturally you're the only suspect. He's probably under pressure from the mayor to find a culprit, what with elections coming up. Nobody's been murdered in Apolline since the late 2000's. You know. You've checked.

So what’s a girl to do in this mess? Could you run and never be found? Probably.

Are you going to?

…

Another chuckle, much fonder this time, really accentuates your thirst. It’s stupid to even pretend you could ever follow along with Micro’s plan, no matter how eager you are to never see his worse half again. You don’t run before business is wrapped up. It’s not something you even know how to do. If you’ve stepped on a little cartel’s tail, you’ll deal with that as it develops. And if the Sheriff is really looking for you due to misguided reasons, well… who are you to deny him discovery?

Pushing away from the tree, you wince as your skin protests from the harsh imprint left by the bark even through clothing. You need to change, a thing you’d be able to do if you’d had the wherewithal to grab your duffel from the car before hijacking Frank’s van last night. Your house is too risky to go back to, but maybe a detour to the bakery wouldn’t hurt. After all, you can’t show up to the police station in your murder outfit, confident as you are that it won’t incriminate you.

Before you do anything at all, though, you need to find a way around the agreement you just entered into. In order to get back into town, you need to lose the phone so Micro can’t track it and figure out your steps. It’s a problem that really gets your gears turning for a few good minutes, until you remember exactly where you are and what time it is. Sunday evening is precisely when two shipping trucks make their way into town with supplies for three different stores, and the road you inelegantly capsized by is the only one into and out of Apolline.

A small smile finally curls the edges of your lips, and the invigorating effect of a good idea isn’t far behind. At the very least, there’s an upside to this whole thing. You really aren’t bored anymore.

-to be continued-

A/N: A very late update because life stuff has been happening quite a lot lately. So, here we are. This really is the last chapter before a whole lot of chaos and before we meet Frank again. Trust me, he's gonna have a lot to say about these two scheming without his knowledge.👀 And he's definitely gonna rip David a new one for getting duped by her hehe. We'll get there, don't worry. I don't want to spoil anything, but I am excited to get to next chapter's events!

#frank castle x you #frank castle x reader #frank castle imagine #frank castle #the punisher x reader #frank castle smut #frank castle fanfic

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ystrike1 · 2 years

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What's Wrong With Being the Villainess? - By Min Dohyang (7/10)

It's that time again! It's time for a yandere honorable mention, and the art this time is fantastic. Sadly the yandere character(s?) are side characters, but they bring the drama. The actual main romance is meh at best but the protagonist is very fun. Isn't that confusing? It is but it is what it is. This embraces how dumb it is. The cougars name is Cookie.

Doohee is a pushover. She dies knowing that her boyfriend used her as an ATM, and he never even thought of himself as her boyfriend. Doohee is weak to handsome faces. She's nice but easy to bully because she seems fake nice. She wanted to learn how to be selfish, because she was tired of constantly looking for approval. She was a good student, but she never took care of herself.

Deborah Seymour is an idiot. A vain one. She is the opposite of Doohee. She was born with money and influence, but no brains. She cannot use magic, even though she is the from the best magician family. She adores her pretty face because it is all she has. People suck up to her, but nobody likes her. The man she loved knew she was trash from a good family. The black sheep, so he rejected her publicly. Deborah is madly jealous of her own siblings and she hits people for fun.

A very confused Korean Doohee wakes up in her body.

Her own father hates her, for good reason. Deborah was a manipulative bitch who didn't love her family. Doohee decides to live...as a Villainess. She sucks up to her dad, but she ignores all men. She avoids parties. She never brings up the guy she liked again. A bunch of misunderstandings lead to a happy ending? Kinda. Gorgias Seymour forgives his daughter after a few painful months. Why? Well, he's a dad and he just wanted his daughter to love him. His children are very competitive and special. He supports them and such, but he doesn't have a loving relationship with them. He has four children. The fourth killed his loving wife during childbirth. He was totally obsessed with his wife, and he hated Deborah because she is a bitch...with his wife's exact face. We're in an R18 erotica novel by the way. Gorgias is just a side character, but he's ok. After his wife died he just became distant. He's not some monster that mindlessly hates his kids.

New Debbie takes advantage of this, because she wants to run.

There's a special character in the novel. The mage who runs the illegal magic/trading shop. New Debbie wants to buy a Baron title...so she can stay single. Yup. Strong independent woman ending here we come.

The yandere, Belas, is Debbie's brother. The heroine of the novel hasn't appeared yet, but he's extreme. Debbie wants to get away from the Seymour House before her brother finds his destined lover.

Oops.

Sorry.

I meant brothers.

Debbie has two insane brothers who are definitely sadistic yanderes. One hasn't even appeared yet. The eldest one. He feels like a final boss. I don't really know where the author is going with this??? The brothers kind of feel redeemable. They haven't kidnapped the Saintess yet....but they aren't nice.

None of the men in this are very nice, and Debbie doesn't like any of them. This is a spiritual magician named Pilaf. He's scary and I thought he was a yandere too, but he's flighty. As soon as Debbie shows up looking prettier than usual he gets distracted...but...uh...he is the type of guy that likes to kill people to impress his woman. He acts really hammy and charming, but behind closed doors he sheds alot of blood to bring gifts to Saintess Mia. Things will get really...covered in bloody presents if his affections turn to poor Debbie.

Sigh.

I hate this.

I do not like it when the sleepy looking attractive guy transforms into a generic prince. This is Isidore. He is secretly running the secret magic shop. He was secretly one of the main characters all along???? Gasp. Anyway I loved his original disguise and I feel cheated. Isidore seems to respect Debbie as a person and I'm sure they'll be a nice couple.

Saintess Mia may need to be saved from her yandere harem. Pilaf is flighty, violent and untrustworthy. The Seymour twins want her in their basement. Isidore no longer cares about her so that's good, but there are a few more wild cards in the mix. None of these men are normal. Saintess Mia is from a fallen noble family. Her magic makes her special, but money is important. If she's not careful she could end up in an awful marriage.

Debbie is gathering ten million gold just so she doesn't have to marry, because she knows how toxic the dating pool is.

It's also very likely that Saintess Mia seduced alot of men in the original book...in order to find a stable life. Not totally for sexy reasons. Yeah. Ok. Understandable. She also hates acting stupid and cute for Pilaf.

I have more bad news. Debbie is a magical and financial genius because reasons. I thought the gag premise was good. It mostly worked. Doohee genuinely wanted to be selfish and it was kinda working for her. Now she's just another generic perfect girlboss. With an equally generic prince. Sad.

#yandere #male yandere #yandere male #yandere boy #recommendations #recs #rec #recommended #webtoon #otome isekai #isekai #What's Wrong With Being the Villainess?

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liamthemailman · 8 months

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Lieutenant Ace

Call of Duty OC Info

• General Info •

Rank: Lieutenant

Alias: Ace (Formerly known as Mad Dog)

Nationality: N/A

Age: 35 years old (as of 2023)

Gender: Masc

Birthday: 27 February

Language spoken: English

Other languages: Malay

Sexuality: Bisexual

• Appearance •

Height: 5'2 feet / 159 cm

Blood type: B Pos

Eye color: Brown

Hair color: Dark brown

• Personality •

Introverted - Ace has some trouble approaching people, and with his resting bitch face doesn't make him any more approachable either. He doesn't speak much but only because he doesn't have much to say.

Problems - Ace is practical. He sees an issue, he fixes it the quickest and most effective way he can. Ace doesn't like to spend time sitting around when there should be things to do. There's never a time on missions when nothing is happening.

Straightforward - Ace says things as he sees it. He gets the point across as fast as possible. Ace has gotten several complaints for being abrasive but he's not one to sugarcoat.

Emotional - Despite the above, Ace isn't all that much of an asshole, believe it or not. He'll take the time and effort to hear out anyone for their woes and worries, just listening to those who need it.

Down to earth - Outside of work, Ace is generally a laid back person. If actually approached, he's more than able to hold a conversation and is surprisingly really chatty.

• Bad Habits •

Bottling - Despite knowing there are trustworthy and competent people who are willing to help, Ace would rather drop dead than ask for help with generally anything. This then leads to being frustrated silently, but Ace works on it. Tries to, at least.

Anger Issues - This only applies to missions. Ace has difficulty working with people due to his tendency to snap. Be it a snarky comment or directly yelling at someone. Even when things were looking positive, and god forbid someone makes an avoidable mistake.

Mean - Being someone as quiet as Ace, he is not above being a mean bitch, his actions speak louder than any word could ever express. Gives nasty side eyes through with his eyewear but no one can see them.

• Skill set •

Weapon - Long range and/or knifes

Combat Style - Usually sticks to long range guns. Good with close combat, Ace is very nimble and agile though it comes with the downside of larger weight classes going against him.

Special Skill - Breaches through any security systems and can intercept rigs of explosives and traps that use electronic signal triggers. Ipad Kid on the field.

• Trivia Facts •

Sneaking

Ace startles just about everyone when he seemingly appears from nowhere. He swears he's not doing it on purpose, he's kind of below most people's line of sight, and it's not like he'd want to stomp around the base either.

Goggles

Unintentionally glares at people. Ace has tired looking eyes and spaces out a lot, which leads to a lot of misunderstandings. So he settles for goggles.

Hair

Has been nagged to keep the back of his hair short, and as much as he really tries, it grows back within the week. It doesn't get any longer than it usually is so they just let him keep his very short mullet.

Daisies

Ace loves daisies, and also loves to fuck with people. Ace will make daisy chain crowns and/or bracelets and gift them anonymously to people around the bases he's on. It's been driving everyone crazy. No one has caught him yet.

Dumb Shirts

Under his hoodies, jackets and gear, Ace is wearing those novelty shirts with nonsensical words. He thinks it's hilarious and it's fueled by Johnny giving him more dumb shirts to wear. Ace got caught by a rookie at 2.30am, making tea and wearing one of those shirts. No one ever believes them whenever they try to share their experience.

Favourites

Drink: Earl Grey with one cream and two sugars

Food: Oranges

Animal: Cats

Hobby: Writing short stories, feeding the stray cats on base

Song: Aces - dkj

Colour: Dull, desaturated colours

Flower: Green thumb, Ace loves all flowers

• (B)romance •

Johnny 'Soap' MacTavish was the first to approach Ace after his transfer into the 141. That means he's the first to form a connection to the dark and broody shadow and discover that he just has RBF™.

They become quick friends, one was never present without the other. Like they were attached to the hip.

Word got around when a rookie saw Lieutenant Ace wearing an oversized jacket that belonged to Sergeant Soap, and said sergeant wearing one of Ace's dumb shirts. It was quickly shot down, no one believing the outlandish claim.

Ace just enjoys Johnny's company, nothing more and nothing less.. is what he claims when asked. So what if Ace only drinks the tea Johnny brings him, only he knows how to do it right. So what if Ace lets Johnny sit on his lap despite being so much larger, there's no other seats. So what if Ace and Johnny held hands under the table like a pair of juvenile lovebirds-

• Background •

Alias(es)

- Mad Dog

Former and unofficial nickname rather than actual callsign from when he first enlisted. He used to be a loudmouth that talked back to his superiors, yelling his arguments and being reckless and near uncontrollable on the field.

He was compared to that of a dog barking madly, and thus, the nickname stuck.

- Ace

He's mellowed out, somewhat, compared to his rookie days. Ace earned the name Ace from his former team for being the go-to for intelligence and gathering intel for missions, giving his team a great advantage over enemies.

Former team

Task Force Cards was a small group consisting of four. King, Queen, Jack and Ace himself. They found comfort in each other, coming from different countries and backgrounds, all of them strangers to a foreign land.

Unfortunately, the team had to be disbanded after his fellow team members went rogue on mission.

Scar

A result of a brash action Ace made while trying to reason with his rogue team. While arguing with them, Ace had stepped forward in anger to grab the collar of one of them. A physical altercation broke out.

While the slash was barely skin deep, it hurt Ace seeing them too far gone in their own heads. The wound stung as he testified against them.

Family

Ace had run away from home and enlisted shortly after. He hasn't had contact with them ever since he was 17. As much as he wanted to, Ace knows contacting them again was a pipe dream.

#call of duty #call of duty oc #call of duty original character #cod oc #cod #oc: LT Ace #original character #oc profile #task force 141 #soap x oc #johnny soap mactavish x oc #soap x ace

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mbti-notes · 1 year

Note

Hi, Infj here, I feel paranoid, most of the time, I'd guess you'd say an Ni-Ti balance issue, but I don't know what to do, I feel like a joke seriously, some people around me are taking me as a joke and sometimes play with this idea, they know I can get paranoid, I honestly want to fix this dumb part of me but don't know how,its ruining my life, my career, my relations, Thanks!

[con't: btw, I don't have access to professional therapy in my country, if you'd like to suggest some online therapy, it would be much appretiated!]

If you leave out the details of the problem and don't provide any context or examples to illustrate what's going on, there is no way for me to understand the problem fully. What does "Ni-Ti balance issue" mean?

Paranoia is defined as an irrational or delusional belief that leads one to grossly miscalculate the likelihood of being persecuted or victimized. When a belief is "irrational" or "delusional", it means there is no basis for it in reality. Yet, it sounds like you actually have legitimate reason to believe it, because you often find yourself the victim of mistreatment?

Calling this a "dumb part of you" isn't helpful. Every part of you serves a purpose, whether small or large. Being a psychologically healthy individual means accepting, embracing, liking, and loving every part of yourself.

When you've been mistreated, it is only natural for a part of you to work extra hard at protecting or defending yourself from further mistreatment. When you've been lied to or deceived, it is only natural for a part of you to view people with skepticism rather than just blindly believe everything they say. When you have repeatedly been made into the butt of cruel jokes, it is only natural for a part of you to fear socializing and want to avoid getting humiliated again. Wanting to protect yourself from harm is a sign of a healthy survival instinct.

The question is: Do you really have paranoia? Or is your "paranoia" really an expression of deeper pain and suffering? Have you been through real negative experiences that necessitated the formation of a "part" within you that helps protect against the hurtful behavior of others? If so, there's nothing "dumb" about it, but you do need to be more conscious of it and learn to use that part of you more constructively, in ways that help rather than hinder your growth. If not, if your paranoia seems to come out of nowhere for no reason, then maybe you need therapy to get to the bottom of it. A therapist could help you understand it better and guide you in improving your mental health.

If you believe you need therapy for whatever reason, check out the professional mental health associations in your country for authoritative information about mental health as well as references to licensed professionals. In the U.S., this would include organizations like the American Psychological Association (APA) and the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). You may be able to receive therapy online from a professional in any country, but it is important that the therapist have some understanding of your cultural background, otherwise, you may suffer many misunderstandings or miscommunications.

If you have been very unlucky in relationships through no fault of your own, in terms of frequently encountering mean, abusive, or exploitative people, then you need to take more control over your social life. Distance from those people by setting better boundaries or remove them from your life completely whenever possible. Work to surround yourself with people who are more kind, caring, and compassionate.

#infj #paranoia #mental health #therapy #psychology #ask

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medicinemane · 11 months

Text

This fucking game I watched someone play still has me so mad

It's a shit game, and... literally everyone wants the same thing... and then they just fail to get the thing they all explicitly want

Putting it under the break since it... well it doesn't involve sex, it specifically doesn't, but it could if the main character wasn't an idiot, which is also something literally everyone in the story wants and would have solved all problems in the story

It could have been a memo

Synopsis is that a guy wakes up with a succubus on him. He wants to fuck the succubus. The succubus wants to fuck him. They don't fuck because he's an idiot

The succubus literally needs to fuck or she'll starve, they still don't fuck

You may be like "oh, well they don't want to actually do anything explicit", but I was looking for a picture of when they first meet and she's straight up riding him in a skimpy outfit to show to my friend and complain about, and just a bit further on is explicit sex... so it's an explicit game, they do fuck... just not for some time... which remember, is literally slowly killing one of them

It's just it's like... the only problems in the game are caused by not having sex. Both parties are super into each other, at one point they fucking go to this hotel and accidentally turn porn on and the succubus is like "we should do that" and the main character just shuts the tv off... but once again, I can not stress this enough, very very much wants to have sex with this succubus and just isn't despite her literally saying she'd like to

It's so stupid, but it's just the right level of stupid to drive me nuts

Because it's so simple, it could have been solved instantly, there's not even any problems here, and yet I left for a bit and then came back later for more background noise, and in like 5 fucking hours they'd failed to have sex despite wanting to

(Also not like they were waiting for marriage or something either, the man was just idiot)

It could have been a memo that said "and then they fucked", but it wasn't

And you know what, I'm jealous. I'm jealous that they probably made pretty good money, and frankly I wish I could make money off something this half assed

It's just... this is an explicit game, there is sex in it... they just don't have it for literally no reason

I keep thinking of that post about fallout 3 where it's like "this guy, who shouldn't have been there, stopped them from doing the thing he wanted done, and then the water purifier, which shouldn't have worked, began leaking radiation, which it shouldn't have been able to do"... I keep fucking thinking about that post because that's how I feel about this

Every problem is solved by them both doing what they want to do, but the main character is too stupid to do the thing he wants to do with the person who keeps saying how badly they want to do it

It rots my brain. It's so stupid I can't stop thinking about it, this is the 3rd place I've ranted

There's no conflict, there's none, there's literally just one man too stupid to do the thing he wants to and is also being enthusiastically asked to do over and over

The person I watched got the bad end where a stupid misunderstanding makes her run away and then he's forced to forget about her, and it's like cool... this could have been avoided if you'd literally just fucked her like 2 months ago... you know... when you both wanted to... or any point over the next 2 months

They're literally in love with each other, living together, wanting to have sex... and they just fail at it

Awful writing. Like the premise is bad to begin with, but when all of your conflict revolves around writing your character so dumb they can't do the one thing they want to do... it drives me nuts

…it's like if you had a character who was like "fuck I love guns, and fuck I love killing… especially aliens" and then a sexy sexy fed was like "hey we really need some evil aliens shot with guns, which we have… they're right over there… both the aliens and the guns", and then then it went nowhere for hours as they both got coffee and lamented how it would be great if someone was shooting the aliens, who are just standing there not fighting back, with the guns… which are also just there in a pile… loaded… pointed at the aliens

The problem is already fucking solved… what is wrong with you? Literally just do what you want to do and get the good end

My friend joked he was gay, and I'm like... I fucking wish he was, that would be fine, but no he literally can't stop thinking about how much he likes this girl

And once again, she's literally slowly starving to death without sex, because she's a succubus, and he's just like... damn... that sucks... which I could help

Anyway, if you'd like to make a terrible game like this with me, hit me up. I like money and have no morals when it comes to making something like this. If it'll make me money, I will write something this bad

Like imagine if my cat wanted to be petted, and I wanted to put my cat, and they were right next to me, and then I actively avoided petting them for weeks despite them meowing and tapping me to pet them... which is something I want to do

Like... it's so nothing and it's so stupid, but you see how mad it makes me

Something about how simple the solution is just... it's so stupid it compels me, and I think it makes me mad that the totally flat and personality-less succubus doesn't get to be happy, despite being moronosexual and having found the stupidest person ever to live, because he's too stupid to be with the person he wants to be with, who once again is not dropping subtle hints, but literally being like "There's only one bed? Guess we gotta fuck"

I just... imagine we all got together and agreed we'd really like fish for dinner... so we went and ate grass off the lawn. That's the level of dumb here

I need to go to bed, I really hope I forget about this or I'll be mad all night and I'll be mad as I dream, and I'll wake up mad about this too

0 notes

anknstwrit3 · 1 year

Text

Expired Amare

Love isn't something that would be in Reizo's vocabulary, and if it were then he would be oblivious to it. Even if other people have gotten in and out of relationships; had crushes and asked the other out. Reizo knew that. He just figured that he is a late bloomer. That at one point he will eventually get to experience it too.

First interaction, he got into a fight. That's how they both met.

It was a ridiculous fight, both don't recall the reason it even started. Yet that was the start of a new friendship.

Grayson had quite a temper. He was short, mature, and not as sociable, but he was a good friend; he listens and is brutally honest. Reizo admired him for his maturity and loved him as a dear friend.

Regret.

He regrets not telling them sooner.

He regrets not realizing it before.

He regrets not spending more time together.

He despised himself for being so dumb and naive.

For being so slow

and for being too late...

That indescribable, empty feeling haunts Reizo. He can't put it in words but that feeling made his heartache.

The memories of Grayson would flood his mind whenever it got the chance. It was as if he was cursed.

Reizo remembered that day.The day before Valentines'. Grayson's last day

It was something Reizo couldn't get his mind off of and it is probably a silly thing to keep pondering about. But- it's the day before Valentines'. The day that signifies love.

Is it love, or is it admiration? Or is it because he craves attention and the feeling to be loved? To experience what others had.

Was he that desperate to have a partner because everyone else is going through it? It sounds selfish of him but- the desire to go through a relationship is strong.

It was confusing for him and usually, when things get confusing he would avoid it.

How can Reizo avoid this?! It's too complicated and hard for him to understand but it involves his friend.

Looking back at it there were hints of his feelings showing. How he cared for Grayson more than a friend.

Sometimes people would misunderstand the two and say things that Reizo wished were true. That he wished the whole world would know and be proud of it.

"You guys fight like a married couple"

"Ha- #couplegoals. Just kidding"

"When I saw you guys I thought you guys were a thing"

"Aw look you guys are matching"

"Funny how you both think alike."

Behind that clueless face, Reizo liked it. It made him smile. Wanting more.

Was he being too selfish?..

Made so...

Friday, there was a party to celebrate Valentines', when really it was to celebrate someone's birthday.

Reizo was with Grayson at the time despite having many other friends.

Well, he did force Grayson to go with him.

The party was like any other, just pink and Valentines' themed. He remembered that Grayson told him that its an eyesore.

Though there was this one point where he pushed Reizo to go be with the others like him. In exact words, "Go on and socialize with people like you. Quit being so clingy to me."

Was he too clingy?

Reizo wanted to spend the party with him. Make him have a good time, smile and laugh. He wanted the other to enjoy this time, saying 'Things been more fun since you appeared.'

Not that.

He didn't want to go overboard and cross the other line. Knowing Grayson for so long Reizo figured it was fine, they were probably just not in the mood and need time to be by themselves.

This is understandable, everyone needs alone time. And Reizo respects that.

Grayson told him that he won't go anywhere and stay in that spot. In the corner of the place, where not many people were and no loud blasting music was being played.

Reizo left, letting Grayson be.

It's normal, they do this all the time. Everything will be fine.

Reizo was in the crowd talking with some of his friends. Occasionally he would glance back to where Grayson is. Checking and making sure they are still there.

It didn't come to him on why he always looked back. He assumed it was because he cared for his friend safety at the party.

The sun was slowly setting, leaving a nice color in the sky. Golden hour shimmered through the party. Things that are silver and gold were enchanted by the light. It didn't last long as some bright neon lights were displayed, implying that this party will be going on till dark. Music was turned up then the people there started to be more rowdy and obnoxious.

Reizo didn't mind it, but he knows someone else is.

He scanned the area trying to find the spot Grayson was last seen. Only to find that he wasn't alone. Someone else was there, Reizo's eyebrows furrowed-- distraught by what he saw.

It wasn't bad, maybe he was just exaggerating. But he didn't like it-- was that too much to where he is becoming more greedy?..

Grayson stood there in the same spot but another person stood with them.

They were tall. Taller than Reizo. And much better than him.

Nice broad shoulders, smooth brunette hair, in good shape, their muscles show without being flexed,, clearly they work out. He got the looks, a way more handsome looking than Reizo.

He can't compete against that guy.

Not that he intends to compete,,, it was just--

It was something,; a feeling of anger? Or was it jealousy and envy?

Either way, it upseted him, but who is he to judge. It's Grayson's life, he has no reason to control who they should be with. It should be better this way, Reizo had been spending too much time with Grayson compared to his other friends.

There is no need to get worked up over a friend making another friend.

It was getting darker, the golden hour is long gone and the party lights brighten. Reizo should get Grayson out, he knows that they're uncomfortable with it. But how would he approach them, what's a good excuse to take Grayson away from the brunette guy.

He lingered there too long, the two already stepped out of the party. He had to follow, he wants to go. He must.

Reizo hesitated. He took a few steps before being stopped. Someone called his name, they turned around to see their friend there. It seems they had a question.

That's unfortunate, Reizo was quite anxious to get out of this conversation. He needs to check on Grayson. What if the guy is bad and something happened--

"Reizo, do you like Grayson? As in a like like kind of thing?,, I mean I'm just assuming since you keep on looking back at him the whole time and usually th--"

The other’s voice faded as Reizo was no longer paying attention. He got lost in his thoughts after hearing that.

"Do you like Grayson?"

Does he?

No, it's just admiration. Reizo idolizes him, he's like someone he looked up towards.

That's what he believes and thinks.

"Do you 'like' Grayson?"

A like beyond likes. Not a friend who he likes, they meant as in more than a friend. More of a lover, a crush, someone you loved.

It's a strange feeling really. Reizo didn't like how it was,, a feeling that he doesn’t know.

Throughout his time, he'd always ask people:

"How do you know if you have a crush on someone"

And it's always the same answers. The same answers in every single book or comic about romance.

'You think about them every day, always want to be with them, picture yourself with them in the future, nervous when you talk to them, constantly trying to be with them, your heart would even skip a beat sometimes'

That's all false, it felt false. Like it's something only in movies.

Reizo thinks about a lot of people every day, he doesn't see himself with Grayson in the future, and he is completely fine talking to him.

Was it because they are friends, that he had no problem being around the other?

Reizo believes that someone's heart can't skip a beat over a person.

Yet here he was, hand on the chest to feel his heartbeat.

It didn't skip a beat, but he could feel it. Not exactly increasing in speed but banging on his chest, wanting out.

At first, Reizo assumed it was just because he was aware of his heartbeat but it happened numerous times after that party.

In class Reizo would find himself thinking about Grayson and if he actually liked him. And other times he caught himself looking at the other for too long.

It was getting dangerous for him. The more he was aware of this feeling towards Grayson the more he'd lose focus of what's he's doing around Grayson.

Unaware of his occasional glances, the favoritism he gives to the other, and the amount of times he tried to be by Grayson's side. It all led to one word.

Love.

It took him days to figure out whether this feeling is true or not. If it was just a fake feeling because of the desperate need to be in love.

And when he thinks he got it all solved it was right before Valentines day, which is perfect.

Reizo didn't have much planned for the following day, he was just gonna do what he did last year. Give out gifts to his friends.

Tho this year might be different.

The news was pretty sudden and out of nowhere. Reizo didn't expect this to be the first thing he hears in the morning.

"I'm going to be moving schools tomorrow. So I guess this would be my last day." Grayson told Reizo in the usual monotone voice and that straightforward attitude. It was quiet for a moment as he let that sink in. "Oh.. really..? You're really gonna leave?-- this isn't some sort of prank your pulling on me, is it?" Reizo nervously chuckled, hiding the fear of the other leaving. In response Grayson shook his head, "no no, its all true. This isn't a joke or anything." Grayson may not seem upset about this but Reizo could tell. He knew Grayson didn't like the idea of leaving as much as he did.

But they can't do anything. They're just minors who can't control where they move or not. Reizo deemed it as unfair for them having no say in this. It's always the parents decision in everything.

During the last day, Reizo did everything in his power to make that day memorable for Grayson. At the end of the day he believed it was a success, tho he forgot one last thing.

That afternoon it rained. Reizo always thought, whenever it rains somewhere in the world something sad has happened. To think that something would be this.

"I love you!"

I think..?

Reizo wanted to shout that to the other as they left. Grayson's back was turned, walking away.

Before those moments the two were at the entrance of a building that served food. It was their hang out spot ever since that one time.

"I'm gonna miss you a lot.." Reizo said towards Grayson to which he replied,"pff- don't get so sentimental. Things like this happen all the time, its always changing. Just gotta keep going." It was comforting of him to say that as Reizo simply just smiled. The wisdom that Grayson has is quite astonishing to him, shows how mature they are. It's one of the charms that Grayson has,, in Reizo's opinion.

"Oh- look it that. It's raining."Grayson said while looking at the sky. The two were sheltered by the roof that extended beyond the entrance. "That sucks, since you gotta walk home." Reizo responded with a frown, concerned that the other would get sick from the rain. Grayson gave him a nudge on the side, "same goes for you. And plus its just water."

The conversation goes on for quite some time before it was officially time to part ways.

Throughout the whole day Reizo had been coming up with ways to express how he feels, or at least what he thinks he feels-- to Grayson. Making different scenarios in his head and picking with what seemed right.

"Keep in touch okay!" Reizo said with a weak smile, trying to hold back his tears. He really hates saying goodbye's

"Yeah sure thing. Will do.." Grayson nodded then waved as he walked one way then Reizo turned,.walking the other way.

A lot was going through his mind, but one thing was pushing him.

'Say it, just say it. Its only a few words, say it before it's too late! This is your only chance!!'

Reizo found himself not walking back home but embracing Grayson. He was slouched down, arms around Grayson and was giving him a hug. He knew the other wasn't a fan of things like that but it the last time he'd see him. Just the thought of not seeing Grayson after that made his heart drop. Like an empty void or a part would be missing.

In the rain, the two stood there hugging. Reizo didn't want to let go at all but was left no choice.

Reizo was then forced to say goodbye to Grayson.

He was walking home as his thoughts were occupied by the things that has happened and the things he should have done.

Reizo felt so-- weak and stupid.

A coward who was too scared and hesitant to say what they have felt.

The confidence in him was gone.

Yet he was hesitant again.

It shouldn't be too late to tell him. Grayson should still be walking home too, it wouldn't be too late.

Yeah! There should be time. He has to still be there.

Somehow Reizo mustered up the courage and strength to go back. Running back to him. The fastest that he even had been. Rain and sweat dripping down his face, taking heavy breaths while running there.

Soon, he would be there.

Almost there, he would be able to catch up.

Reizo's mind was mostly blank at that time. Only thing running through it was that he loved him. He really loved him. Reizo wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. He wants to be someone special in Graysons life, more than just friends.

"GRAYSON!! I LOVE YOU!!!" Reizo shouted at the top of his lungs, as he huffed heavily. His lungs were burning fire, begging to get fresh air after such a run then a shout.

What he said was towards Grayson, he was there.

But he was too late

Grayson's car, along with a moving truck was slowly driving away as Reizo stood there in the middle of the road.

Sharp pain came from his chest along with uncontrollable tears down his face. Mixing along with the rain on him. It was painful. Every part of his body ache.

It must have been the fact that he hasn't ran this much is so long. His legs throbbed and tingled from the run.

His heart pumping excessively to the point it might make his way out his chest.

Reizo stood there for a moment in despair and frustration. He hated this.

He hated everything.

He hates how love is so complicated,

How he was so stupid

And how painful everything is.

Especially when it's his first time.

0 notes

your-regina · 1 year

Text

Can I talk to you about something?

I wouldn't say I'm secretive about it. In fact, I guess I'm generally quite open about my struggles, maybe as a way to explain myself and avoid misunderstandings; but still, I'd say this is one of those topics I don't bring up too often, not too openly at least.

You see, I'm quite reticent to say it explicitly, because I feel like it could set expectations about me that I don't necessarily meet. At a first glance, I guess it could be rather hard to tell I struggle with such a thing, since I used to pride myself in being quite rational and logical, and also - most importantly, to be exact - I don't really meet all of the criteria, physically at least.

But still, I'd like you to believe me, because even I need that sort of favours once in a while, and because sometimes even I don't believe it.

I fluctuate a lot in this regard, and sometimes you could see me decimating a whole fridge without batting an eye, but also sometimes I'd probably reject a glass of water. And in both occasions, I don't have a second of peace, since my brain is wired to feel a certain way forever; an illness so silent but inescapable, that's what it is.

I'm telling you this because I don't feel too happy about my situation right now, just because I've realized that even in the best circumstances ever, my mind will always refuse to accept a truce.

The worst part is that after so much time living this way I'm unable to be mad about it, I don't really feel anything negative at all, I just think it is what it is. Just the way I'd say I'm a brunette with brown eyes and big lips, I think it's turned into one of my traits.

I once asked my psychologist if such a thing was even possible, leaving her puzzled. I asked something along the lines of "What if I don't need to recover? Could I simply live like this? What if it isn't something bad?"

My psychologist was basically battling me and my flawed logic every single week, until she gave up at last. Or I'd say we both gave up and silently agreed on the idea that I'm a lost cause.

Since that time, things have both improved and gotten worse over and over, like a never ending merry-go-round, always ending up in the same place. And maybe I should be ashamed to even think like this, but the only thing that bothers me is how this entire ordeal has remained dutifully fruitless. For sure, there are always some clues here and there about this situation, only if you squint.

In any case, what prompted this entire letter in the first place was the absolute nightmare I've been living these past few months. I've been battling the numbers for at least a month, since it looks like I've hit the most annoying plateau ever. So I'm not even mad about the truly disgusting things I've been doing - as it happens whenever I reach this point - but rather how pointless it all seems. No one even knows about it, so there's no one to laugh at me, but I feel like an absolute fool every single morning. Isn't it crazy how something so stupid can completely change the way I perceive the world?

I wake up so mad I can't bring myself to put on my customer service smile, and even my medicine isn't doing the trick now. You know how I told everyone I was taking it to improve my mood? Turns out it was all because it surpresses appetite, and when it comes to these things I become an A1 actress, a liar. I tell so many lies I even believe some of them sometimes.

But you know, the downside of this medicine is how it surpresses all kinds of appetite, even one of which I rely on to keep me happy as well, so surprisingly I've made the choice to opt out of it sometimes, despite knowing how arbitrary that is. Not like I'm ever going to police myself when it come to such decisions.

I want to tell you before I do it because I believe I should leave some sort of record when I venture into dumb journeys like this. Who knows, maybe it will be worth something for someone?

As for the nightmarish things I've done as a result of this condition, I think heaven knows enough.

- Yours, Regina

#regina's heart

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guqin-and-flute · 3 years

Text

In Your Hands--Ch. 2 [Peony to Lotus!Verse]

[Chapter 1]

[This whole fic is the second chronological installment of the Peony to Lotus!Verse]

[First Installment] [Ao3 Series]

Yanli is determined to set about evening the exchange of their gifts after she finds a little chest full of her favorite floral incense on his pillow next to her when she wakes. She would like to collect information as he does, sifting through conversation to remember errant tidbits about interests but he is as frustratingly tightlipped on the subject of himself as he ever is. Agreeable to any attempt to draw out his preferences to the point of obfuscation. “Don’t you love this color, A-Yao?” elicits a kindly, “It’s very lovely,” no matter the color in question. She thinks it might be his way of not being a bother, because he certainly isn’t doing anything intentionally. Little does he know that, in reality, it’s making things more difficult on her.

I will know you, she thinks, watching him with keen eyes as they all eat breakfast together and talk. I will give you what you want, if only I could find out what that is.

He catches her watching and tilts his head, smiling in question.

“How are your dumplings?” She asks as an excuse, gesturing.

“Oh, very good. Would you like some more?”

This man.

His plate holds a bit of everything on the table, including one of A-Xian’s favored spicy dishes--while it’s something, she already knows he had grown up in Yunmeng and can tolerate spice. She just doesn’t know whether he likes it or not.

It has almost become a game, to her, if not to him--though she thinks it might be, at least a little, for she sees the flash of satisfaction in his eyes when he lets her take his arm and breathes deeply, taking in the scent of the incense she had let envelop her as she dressed that morning. “You smell wonderful,” he murmurs and she feels herself flush up her neck, even though it had been the whole point of steeping herself in it to begin with.

“Thanks to you.” When she lays her head on his shoulder--partially in thanks, partially to hide her pink cheeks--she feels him lean closer.

She wants to delight him, to see him pleased and surprised into a genuine smile. But more than anything, she truly wants to know more about him.

There is an inkling of a clue when she buys a guan for him made of graceful silver arches that form a lotus that seems to sit upon water that is reminiscent of the hair pin he had gotten her. When she presents it to him at bedtime, he seems surprised. He lets loose a soft, “oh,” turning it this way and that in his hands. Watching him, triumphant, she slides out her own pin and twirls it next to the guan, allowing her hair to begin its tumble down. “We’ll match.”

For a moment, he simply looks between the two ornaments, one hand coming out to slide his fingertips down the beaded chain of hers. Then, he smiles at her, and it’s wide and very nearly new. “We will.”

“You like it?”

“Of course, it’s beautiful! I will like everything that you choose to give me.”

She scrunches her nose and tweaks his cheek. “Well, that’s hardly fair! How will I know if you truly do and aren’t just pretending for my sake?”

Turning, he picks her hand up from the bed and chastely brushes his lips across her knuckles. “I will like them because you are the one who gave them, A-Li.”

And at long last, it’s something! Because she thinks it’s true. Perhaps, for him, like it is for her, it is not the usefulness, or the beauty of the thing, but the loving it was given from. She has kept the little drawings A-Xian has given her since he was young, the little carved creatures of wood and soap that A-Cheng used to whittle her (though, realistically, they are little more than blobs she was told are bears and the like. Whatever they look like, they are blobs of love.) She has them lined up on a shelf in her old room, and has brought a few over to the room shared by A-Yao. They make her smile to see because they were made for her; love in a little scene she can revisit through touch again and again. Sometimes, she simply holds them and remembers how it used to be.

This, she decides, is probably what she should focus on for A-Yao--a shelf of happy memories and the knowledge he is loved.

So, when she is sitting in her favorite pavilion one bright and breezy morning and He Si, one of the servants, delivers a gorgeous new calligraphy set to her and informs her with a barely contained grin that her husband has sent it, Yanli sets to work. After she unpacks and marvels over shiny new things, of course. It’s all sleek and beautiful and of the highest quality.

All morning, she uses his new gift to write him notes that she spends the afternoon ferreting away into places he will find them--like in his pockets or his desk drawers or under his spare boots. Some of them are little lines of poems she cherishes, one or two are shy sketches of the butterflies that had visited and twined through the fluttering, gauzy green curtains as she wrote, and more, still, are idle little thoughts she thinks will warm him. ‘I will be pleased to see you at dinner.’ ‘Remember not to work too hard.’ ‘Have a good day.’

She even gets the joy of seeing him find one while on a walkway, tucked in between 2 delivered missives with the help of He Si’s sleight of hand. The brisk, dutiful stride to business pauses and Yanli watches his slightly bowed head as he reads, the sunlight sliding down his hair like silk. When he looks up and around, she slips behind a delicately carved pillar on impulse so that he can’t see her. Then, she peeks back around. He’s looking back down at the slip of paper in his hand, his mouth a small curl of aching fondness. This one had said, ‘thinking of you.’ Warmth spreads through her when he folds it, neatly and carefully, into his fingers and presses his knuckles to his lips, closing his eyes. It is a moment of him with no mask in sight and she would feel sheepish for intruding if it didn’t bring her such happiness just to see his own. Even after he resumes his purposeful stride and disappears indoors, she is grinning, glowing, and allows herself a moment to seek out He Si to review the heist. “Did it please him?” the girl demands, excited. “What did it say?”

“It’s a secret,” Yanli teases. “And oh yes it did.”

It continues in this manner almost daily, when his gifts allow it; he gives her a parasol and she invites him on a walk under it with her; he buys rich embroidery thread and she weaves a delicate braid for him to wear or display a pendant from. He presents her with a fine silken handkerchief that she returns only days later, embroidered and thoroughly infused with the incense he had given her, draped over his pillow. Sadly, she didn’t get to witness this discovery, but she does see him slip it from his inner pocket as he removes his outer robes, that evening. As she watches him from the bed, Yanli resists the most absurd urge to bashfully pull the covers up over her nose and asks, “You...found it, then?”

Instead of answering, he slowly sits on her side instead of his and spreads it between them on the covers with deliberate care, one side of his mouth tucked up, that dimple pressed in sweetly in the lantern-light. “A pair of mandarin ducks,” he observes, voice quiet, eyes on the handkerchief as he runs his fingertips over it.

“I stitched them myself.”

“They are masterfully done and the colors are beautiful.”

“It was the thread you gave me. I wanted....” The intentions, the symbolism gets caught on her tongue and she blushes. Husband, she has to remind herself. It’s allowed! It’s expected! A long and happy marriage is what one is supposed to want. He makes the prospect of closeness and affection all at once so mysterious and alluring, almost a forbidden thing (though the thought is a ridiculous one, she admits.) “Do you like it?”

He raises his eyes to her and they are night soft. “A-Li, may I kiss you?”

Yanli’s heart jumps to her throat in an anticipatory sort of apprehension and her hands twist in her lap. Anxious without fear; she trusts this and him. “You may.”

Though she had kissed his mouth once before, he had been still, accepting the simple press and nothing more. Now, as he leans in, his hands settle lightly on her jaw, tilting her face up to him, his lips are a sure, gentle slide over hers. It’s odd to have someone so close to her face, and it’s warmer than she would have thought--not to mention wetter. But not bad.

Oh no, definitely not bad.

A-Yao kisses her with the same keen attention he gives everything else; controlled and intent. It feels as if he is slowly sampling her, sometimes the pressure feather-like and almost tickling, and other times an earnest press, inviting her along. The entirety of her skin grows hot at the realization she is being experienced and she can feel her heartbeat as if her entire chest is a drum. He makes it easy, a song that sounds vaguely familiar without completely knowing the next step. She doesn’t feel lost or stupid or silly. She feels wanted. Precious.

When he draws back, her lips are tingling--who would have thought such an ordinary part of her face could produce that much sensation? One would think she would have noticed this before!--and he is watching her carefully. His own lips are slightly pinker and without thinking, she reaches out to touch them, wonderingly. His watchfulness melts at her touch and he smiles against her fingertips--his mouth is warm, like her own when she lifts her other hand to compare.

“That was….”

“Good?”

“Oh, it was strange but I think I liked it. I--can we try again?”

A-Yao laughs and reaches out as she eagerly shuffles forward on her knees. Yanli allows him to draw her onto his lap sideways but, this time, she reaches out and draws him down. And being the good, patient man that he is, he lets her try again and again as she wishes, moving as she does.

There is no sudden revelation or awakening as she had secretly hoped there might be with such a kiss, (how easy that would have been, if all the whispers and stories and songs had all aligned with ultimate clarity and understanding within her, if it was all at once as easy as everyone else made it seem). But it is new and oddly pleasant to simply be in his arms, closer than she has ever been before, sharing with him. He pulls away and takes her wrist, eyebrows pinched. “You’re shaking. Are you alright?”

Oh. It seems she is. It isn’t fear, but instead a sort of deep trembling that seems to originate from her core, almost like excitement or the kind of giddy terror of a friend chasing you in a game of tag. She smiles up at him. “It’s...new. I think I’m just getting used to it. You’re my first kiss.”

Something she can’t define as positive or negative before it’s gone passes over his face and he gathers her up, burying his face in her neck, squeezing. She curls back around him, hands stroking his soft hair. “I’m so glad it’s you,” she murmurs, the ghosts of the kisses still shimmering on her lips. “You’re so sweet and kind to me. How did I get so lucky?”

Against her throat, he sucks in a deep, shaking breath before pulling back to deliver an almost perfect smile, the slight tremble in the corner of his mouth the only thing betraying whatever depth of emotion he is feeling. “Jiang-furen,” he says with playful reproach. “You simply can’t steal my lines like that. What will I be left with?”

In response, she clasps his face and leans up to rub the tips of their noses together. "Oh, you're so very clever. I'm sure you'll think of something."

#peony to lotus #yaoli #UPDATE CORNER HELL YEAH #This one is much less angsty than the first chapter (and that's saying something) but in planning...this has grown a proto plot #(I mean we have 2 maladjusted people pleasers trying to make each other happy there's bound to be a few bumps in the road)#So there's going to be a bit of sadness and a dash of angst in the future but I'm going to keep with the theme #This is primarily just going to be me giving them nice things because I can #And there isn't going to be any dumb and avoidable misunderstandings #There's going to be at LEAST 1 more chapter. Maybe 2. We'll see how much they wanna be all gushy and shit #my stuff #my fic

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wtftarot · 2 years

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PAC Reading: The Chariot

The Chariot talks about willpower, drive, and taking the reins in your own life. It's having a balance between creativity and logic, using both to go after your goals. What parts of yourself do you need to harness to achieve your goals?

This reading is for entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for professional help in any capacity. Remember your choices are all your own, use common sense, and don't be a dumbass.

Pick one of the Sphinxes or the lil white square on his chest and head to your pile

Sphinx One

Y'all seem to be avoiding deeper emotions. For some of you, it's just emotions entirely. It's not even that you're avoiding negative or 'bad' emotions. You're also avoiding the things that can bring you a deeper sense of joy. I think it's genuine emotion that you're avoiding. Y'all seem to have this view of emotions that they're irrational, soft, weak and I'm hearing gross, so I guess for at least one of you emotions are gross. The one that is being pushed the most though is thinking being emotional = being dumb. I'm seeing this example of someone who judges someone for something, then they go and do it in secret. You may be the type to deprive yourself of something in the name of being 'rational'. Now, the way it's being shown to me is that you are going SO damn far avoiding emotions that you're being more illogical now then you would have been if you just let yourself FEEL. It's gotten to the point that being 'logical' is costing you. It's like you see being unemotive as a strength? Listen, the strength is understanding when and how to communicate your emotions. Not just avoiding them. Because let's be honest here, you feel emotions. You're just running from them. You think that if you keep pushing them away and pushing them down you'll somehow reach a point where you're okay and you just don't have to deal with them. Babe. You want to be happy, you want to FEEL happy. We all do. And that's the thing. You're trying so so fucking hard to convince yourself that you don't want things and you don't need/have emotions but you do. You want to be loved (platonically or romanticly). You want to do things that make you feel things. You do all this shit to prove to yourself or others that you're strong, but babe, you are strong, you have nothing to prove. The Chariot is all about combining two opposite things together and using them to move forward. What it's here to tell you is that you CAN be both emotional and rational. They aren't even opposites, you just think they are. Emotions are another way our body and subconscious communicate with us. Emotions tell you what you think in a lot of ways. You feel happy? You think something is nice or good. You feel sad/angry you think something is wrong. Now, that doesn't mean what you think/feel is always right, you can and will misunderstand situations. We all do. But condemning yourself for feeling something? For laughing when you're happy? Or crying when you're sad? Is not helping anyone. I'm serious. Tell me who are you helping by not letting yourself be happy or sad? Who the hell could benefit from that? Because it certainly isn't you. The Chariot is here saying to achieve your goals. to live your life and own it. You have to let yourself feel it.

Random ass vibes: Sun, spend some time in nature. globes, yellow flowers, a lot of yellow here, Leo, 777, dancing,

Two

The lil Square

Y'all seem to be actively avoiding your potential. I think some of y'all know this and others may not. Y'all see going after what you want as rocking the boat for some reason. You may be in a situation where letting yourself embrace your potential will make someone else insecure, make others mad, or you feel like they'll judge you for what you're good at. There's a bit here about seeing your true potential for what it is as being egotistical or arrogant. Honey, I'm here to tell you it's not. I promise. Why are y'all judging yourselves for what you're good at?? There are enough people in the world who will judge you for shit, you don't need to do their job for them. You seem to think that if you pick at yourself before others can, you'll catch every flaw or you'll be able to handle criticism better. That ain't how this works. Because A: most 'flaws' people pick at are more about preference, what one person hates about what you do others will love you for it. B: You end up breaking yourself down before you even get started because you're soo focused on the 'flaws' that you don't see the awesome parts. And C: You end up fitting yourself into a model that is palatable to everyone and lose what you liked about it in the process. It's impossible to be liked and approved of by everyone. You seem to be soo focused on all you're not good at and just dismissing what you are good at. Babe, you need to reverse that. Own your strengths. If others don't like that they can go fuck themselves. There's a bit here about comparing yourself and being afraid of competition. Here's the thing about that though: Yes, there will be people better at whatever you're trying to do. BIG BUT HERE (haha), that does not take away from your strengths. It doesn't. Someone else being good at something doesn't make you bad at it. A rose is good at being a flower, but that doesn't mean a sunflower is bad at it. That being said, YOU CAN BE 'BAD' AT SOMETHING. THAT IS OKAY. YOU CAN DO SOMETHING TO JUST DO IT. YOU CAN DO IT JUST FOR YOU. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING TO JUSTIFY DOING IT. GETTING JOY FROM DOING IT IS REASON ENOUGH. There's an underlying message here about jealousy and letting others do things that they enjoy badly. See, when we judge ourselves for something, we usually end up judging others for it. Everyone does this to some extent, we're human after all. The advice here is to let yourself just be and do and not judge yourself for it. That will reflect outward towards others. As above so below, as inward so outward. When you feel safe enough with yourself to let yourself reach your potential fully AND openly be bad at some things, others will feel safe enough with you to do the same.

Random ass vibes: camping, bugspray, sunglasses, 13, Cancer, art, perfectionism, doritos, swimming, drink some water, Virgo

Sphinx Two

Y'all came through strong, y'all may have some intuitive abilities going on here. You seem to have this fucked perception of yourself and your intelligence. You seem to be more emotional, maybe even consider yourself sensitive. What I'm seeing is that you may think that means you lack judgment or rational thinking. And that embracing your more logical side means losing your emotional intelligence. (the other sphinx group had the exact opposite issue, which is kinda cool cause one sphinx is meant to represent logic and the other emotion, and the chariot brings them both together) You may have been taught to believe that being sensitive means being weak, and means you lack intelligence. Which we know is bullshit. You seem to take it one step further though and avoid things that require you to use your mind. Y'all seem to feel like you just can't do things, can't make decisions because you can't trust your judgment. Maybe people have talked to you that way so much that you've started to believe it. Well, fuck that. YOU ARE SMART. YOU ARE CAPABLE. You absofuckinlutly can be emotional AND smart. It's okay to feel things deeply. It's okay to be sensitive. You need to understand that there is more to you than that though. You're not stuck with one singular trait. You can be a motherfucking badass and cry during sad movies, or happy movies for that matter. Y'all seem to have been put in this limiting box, whether by yourself or others or society it doesn't matter. What matters is you saying fuck it and embracing every side of yourself. The emotional side. The confident side. The smart side. The shy side. The brave side. The scared side. The wild side. The tame side. You are a full, complex person. We all are. You're limiting yourself by keeping yourself in this box. You don't have to maintain this easy-to-grasp personality for the people around you. Yea, they may not be able to handle the full complexity that is you but that's their problem. Complex doesn't mean bad. Each and every one of us is full of complexity and contradictions. We're human. I keep hearing 'they'll think it's weird'. Sweetheart, does that really matter? I'm serious. Some people think tarot is weird and here we are. Even the roughest opinions are just that, opinions. (Y'all may want to read the second pile's reading, it may help you.) No matter what you do, someone somewhere will have a problem with it. Are you really going to let that stop you? You really are going to deprive yourself of something awesome purely because someone else (who doesn't give a shit what you think of them) will be whiny about it? No offense babe, but I think you need to reevaluate your priorities.

random ass vibes: juicy fruit gum, 11:11, legally blonde, reading, doves, hockey, angels, 22,

#tarot readings #Spotify #tarot deck #tarot reading #tarot cards #tarot #tarotblr #divination #free tarot #tarot reader #pac reading #pick a pile #pick a card #the chariot #pick a card reading #pick a photo

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askyourwritergrandma · 2 years

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So often when consuming media I come across conflicts born of misunderstandings between characters that could easily be resolved with one rational conversation. And then when writing I find that, yeah actually, a lot of conflicts between characters could probably be solved with a simple conversation, which makes those conflicts feel surface-level and are no doubt frustrating for reader. Do you have any suggestions for writing believable and satisfying misunderstandings? Conflicts between characters are crucial to telling stories, and I don’t want my writing to feel surface-level or be frustrating to read!

Anon! I'm so sorry this has taken me so long to respond to. I was away on vacation.

So miscommunication is an oft-used and oft-misused tool in writing. When it's done cheaply it does come across as eye-rolling, teeth-grindingly stupid. Especially when it happens between best friends, family members or in established relationships where it hasn't been demonstrated that they lack communication skills. Because why wouldn't you just talk about it.

So how do we use miscommunication in a way that makes sense and doesn't come across as just plain dumb?

Base it off a character flaw. If Fredric is an arrogant pig who looks down on people and Henrietta is a meek sort of person that doesn't like confrontation they are not going to communicate well enough to clear up any miscommunication. (They probably won't be in a relationship but love works in mysterious ways.) Less dramatically, what if one character has a trauma-based avoidance of certain issues that your miscommunication triggers. They will absolutely lie about their opinion/feelings/understanding of the thing just to keep from having to address it. The other person will know that they're being dismissed/lied to but not necessarily know why. This will cause an argument.

Make it a misheard miscommunication. So one of them said "DON'T do the thing" and the other one heard "DO THE THING" and then person A is pissed that the thing was done and Person B is like WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO CONFUSING I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING WRONG IT'S WHAT YOU WANTED and this ends up with an argument about their relationship but not the specific misunderstanding that started it.

Focus on the emotions behind the misunderstanding. Ok sure, one of you did one thing or failed to clarify one thing and now there's a whole argument going on. You are talking about it but it's bringing up the fact that this isn't the first time this same stupid argument has happened. Why can't you just say what you mean? And the other person is like why can't you just ask clarifying questions. And now you've insulted one another. This ends with you going your separate ways being angrier and more upset about the thing than when you started. Sure a calm conversation could fix the thing but first you're going to go tell all your friends about the thing and how it's not even your fault and if SOMEONE WASN'T SUCH AN ASSHOLE...

Basically, the reason that these surface level misunderstandings DON'T work in fiction are because they are so superficial. If something can be solved with a simple conversation it's not a strong enough conflict to carry the plot. You have to base it deeper by either building it up through their various intentions/emotions, exposing cracks in the relationship or otherwise tying it into your overall plot/character development.

Now, having said all that ridiculous, surface level misunderstandings can provide you with a bit of a laugh and/or a minor conflict as long as you acknowledge that they are minor. Don't feel that you can't use Harry telling Gerald to get sausage but Gerald shows up with bacon to start a stupid argument. You can. Minor arguments are normal in relationships.

I hope this helped!

If you have a question, feel free to send me an ask!

#writing help #writing advice #writing conflict #writblr

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cutiebeams · 4 years

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Hello TWEWY fandom, it's meta time.

TWEWY is filled to the brim with symbolism and hidden meanings, as we all know. Even the partners and their colors when they sync with Neku; I realized, have some depth, and I'm going to articulate my thoughts on it. This is going to be long, so get cozy.

Shiki

Let's start with the first partner we get. Her theme's red, and Neku's is blue. Before we even delve into this analysis, let's unpack the general symbolism of the colors themselves, because that is important as well.

Red: passion, love, anger, energy, courage

Blue: trust, loyalty, wisdom, intelligence, stability

These two colors are essentially on the opposing sides of the color wheel as well; the only shade darker than blue is purple (which is Neku's theme of his attire but that's not important rn stay with me fellas)

Red & blue are portrayed as opposites in a plethora of media and this is no exception: Shiki is the extroversion to Neku's introversion, the pathos to his logos, bubbly and chipper vs his stoic and reserved demeanor. Neku is outwardly hateful (towards other people and his circumstances), and Shiki is inwardly hateful (she hates herself to the point she doesn't think there's anything special about her)

As expected, they clash vehemently at first. Neku is extremely irritated by Shiki's energy and she is frustrated with how aloof and mean he can be. But as they get to know each other, they become like yin and yang; and Shiki's kinder qualities begin to rub off on Neku which he exhibits in the following weeks. Red is often symbolic of love; and Shiki shows a lot of it: she's very friendly and amiable, sympathizing with total strangers and getting along with almost everyone; but she's pretty feisty too- she gets visibly upset when Neku ignores her and makes himself difficult and she's not afraid to call him out (and she DOES, quite a few times). However, she is still overall kind to him, even when he's prickly; trying her best to be patient with him and her gentleness eventually wins him over.. eventually.

When confronted with an issue, Shiki seems to lean towards the emotional aspects of the matter, such as when Ai and Mina were at odds, she hesitated to bring the truth to light because she didn't want to jeopardize their friendship and emotional wellbeing; in contrast to Neku who wanted the truth to be brought to light as soon as possible because he felt that lying was wrong and it needed to be addressed sooner, rather than later, or things would just get worse. Or when 777 couldn't find his tech, Shiki listened to him vent out of sympathy while Neku agreed to help because of the logical results it'd bring-

Shiki is also very outwardly emotional: she's very chirpy but she also isn't afraid to openly express her sorrow, anger, or fear, and sometimes she gets overcome by her emotions. But for the most part, she exhibits high emotional intelligence and understanding of other's feelings; and she's essentially the group's moral support: she's one of the most verbal about being sure that they'll make it back and that they all need to work together. Shiki is also extremely passionate; about other people, about the things she creates, it spills into virtually every aspect of her life.

The sad thing though, is that Shiki seems to love everybody but herself, and we see tiny glimpses of this in her small moments of passiveness (such as telling Neku he doesn't have to shout when he snaps at her) On the flip side, Neku's blunt honesty gives Shiki the inner strength to not only face her self-hatred; but overcome it. And that brings me to Shiki's other color: green. You can see it in her stickers + it's her nickname in Another Day.

Green: nature, rebirth, growth, harmony, healing

I believe that this choice is two-fold: green also symbolizes envy and jealousy and this is something that Shiki's character battles with. She wants to be like Eri- beautiful, smart, charismatic; to the point she even tells Neku that she emulated Eri's personality at first because she was so excited to be in her body. But she then realized that she wasn't Eri, and would never be; nor did she ever want to be. What Shiki truly wanted was to love herself: and that's what her character arc encapsulates; a journey of self-acceptance and self-love.

When we finally get to see real game Shiki, she's wearing green because she's a new person, hence the themes of rebirth and harmony: she's confident and happy in who she is; and so the green changes from the negative connotations of jealousy and envy to the positives of steadiness and self-harmony. There's also healing, for both her and Neku: she helped him to open up emotionally and become gentler, and he helped her accept herself. We don't get to see her face because it doesn't really matter: as Neku himself said, "You'll always be Shiki." It's her character that is important, not her appearance. Green is also red's complementary color, and we see that rather than doing a complete 180 in personality, Shiki just gets a little milder. She's not quite as bubbly, but a lot of her passion is still there, it's just gentler.

In short, Shiki is Neku's opposite. They're like night and day: completely different, but inseparable.

Let's talk about Neku a while now, shall we? His color choice seems contradictory given his personality when we meet him: he is extremely distrusting, volatile and aloof. The thing is though, Neku's arc is also about growth and while he does not exhibit any of the traits of his color scheme at first; during the entirety of the game, he regains himself. Neku's character is about relearning how to trust people and not being afraid to be open and accept different points of view and values- and that diversity is good and healthy! During his first week with Shiki, we get very small glimpses of how emotional Neku actually is, particularly through inner monologue.

When Rhyme is erased, he's distraught (his thoughts tell us he feels awful) but he masks it with blunt logic ("Because we couldn't. That's how it was meant to be"), perhaps to avoid showing vulnerability, even declaring teaming up is a dumb idea- because people get hurt and there are situations where there's nothing you can do about it. Neku's rant when Shiki declares that Beat and Rhyme were their friends takes us right into his psyche:

"Who needs friends?! They just laugh and talk like idiots and pretend to agree with you- so you end up caring about them….exposing yourself...getting HURT..Screw it! We're better off without them! You want other people getting in your way? Dragging you down? I don't!"

And suddenly, Neku's prickliness makes sense- he views attachment as painful and vulnerability as a risk, and so he vehemently avoids them. He's mean because he's hurting and he's sad: and how fitting, as one of the negative connotations for blue is sorrow and grief. Remember how I said Neku didn't exhibit any traits of blue? Well, that was specifically for the positive ones.

Negative symbolism of blue: coldness, aloofness, lack of emotion, unfriendliness, sorrow

And that's Neku to a tee: at first, anyway. While his behavior is not justifiable, it is understandable.

When Shiki snaps at him and tells him that he's inhuman Neku doesn't show any outward response during the actual conflict, but the next day when she apologizes his sprite changes to the "sad turtle" and we get to see his thoughts again:

That I was no better than a Reaper…

Rhyme…

……………

Well...right now…

Neku proceeds to tell Shiki that they need to focus on the mission, and she agrees. While he isn't being especially friendly with her, it's leaps and bounds from his initial open hostility: he's more willing to work with Shiki towards a common goal and one could argue this is when his paradigm shift begins- her comment rattled him a lot, and Neku makes baby steps to change. The daily mission (which involves helping two friends address a misunderstanding) gives us more development for him, too. At this point, he still doesn't think conflicting views and values are a good thing and that relationships only hold him back; and he voices to Shiki that he doesn't see the point of friendships built on falsehoods (which is an excellent point and one that she actually agrees with) and we get to see one of Neku's good qualities: he values truth and honesty a lot.

She asks him if he truly thinks that people are better off without friends, and when he doesn't answer; Shiki talks about how meeting Eri made her want to be her best self (which is how ALL healthy relationships should be, whether platonic or romantic). She mourns Rhyme again, venting that it isn't fair she'll never know what dreams are like and this time, Neku doesn't deflect. He sympathizes, and for the first time since entering the game, allows himself to be emotionally vulnerable:

"I know. I…. I'm sad too. We'll just have to live a little extra. For her sake."

From this point onward, Neku begins to grow positively, slowly but surely. He's not friends with Shiki yet, but he feels safe enough in her company to not only express sorrow but caring enough to encourage her to keep pressing forward; for Rhyme's sake. The next day Shiki is quiet and sad due to being confronted on her self-hatred, and Neku doesn't know how to deal with her lack of cheeriness. But instead of being annoyed with her like before, he's visibly concerned and wondering what's wrong; and he tries to engage with her as much as possible: asking for her viewpoint on the daily mission and what they should do, etc. When he learns the truth about Shiki's identity, Neku just listens patiently and afterwards, his monologue is much more positive and understanding:

All this time..she's been as confused as me.

He now realizes that she's just as scared and upset as he is and he empathizes with that, going even further to say that "I like you the way you are" when Shiki expresses fear in being brought back due to her underlying jealousy: he appreciates her, every aspect of her; not because she's perfect, but just for who she is. Later on when Shiki hesitates to scan Eri and runs away Neku gives her the push to do so: as said earlier, he values the truth, and he knows that Shiki needs to face it if she's going to improve as a person- and we see him beginning to exhibit his wisdom. He's not really gentle, but his honesty is needed. When Shiki begins comparing herself to Eri and self-deprecating, he intervenes, in his own way:

"Oh, would you cut the crap? Who ARE you? You're you. You're not Eri. You'll never be Eri. You'll only ever be you."

Neku reiterates what Shiki told him earlier, about never wanting to be Eri, but he goes a step further. She only went as far as to say she wanted to love herself, but that she never could; while Neku asserts to her that being herself is absolute and unchangeable. Shiki mildly protests this though, saying that Eri is "so much better". To her, while she does value her identity the most, Eri's identity makes her feel inferior. She wants to be her own self, but Eri, in her eyes, is perfect, something that she cannot achieve. And that is why Neku's reply is so important.

"Forget her! You need to live your own life. If she can do it, so can you. All that matters is that you try. You're lucky you're jealous. It gives you something to shoot for. So..shoot."

Up to this point, Shiki has measured the worth of her identity based upon comparison to others, and Neku understands that and tells her upfront that she needs to stop trying to be somebody that she isn't and be confident in her own self, and just do her best- and that'll be enough. He also encourages her to use her jealousy in a productive way, to find her niche; her drive. This gives Shiki the courage to go back and listen to what Eri has to say, and in doing this she hears her friend praise her positive traits, ones that Shiki herself most likely never even realized: her empathy and love for people, her eye for detail, her skill in creating things, her passion and motivation-

ALL things, that according to Eri, "I don't have." And Shiki finally understands that Eri saw her as her equal and that who she is, is valued. Of course, a few positive reinforcements is not enough to do a 180 from most likely years of self-hatred, and so she asks Neku again if she's okay the way she is; and his reply shows yet more growth:

"Hey, Shibuya's got room for all types."

This is a STARK contrast to his dialogue when we first meet him- "All the world needs is me," "You have your values, and I have mine," etc. Neku valued his identity, but he took it to the extreme in that he ONLY valued his identity, values, and morals. After meeting Shiki though, his viewpoint changes a bit and at this point Neku now appreciates diversity- he's still not at the point that he feels he can understand other people, but he at least doesn't see conflict of morals as a bad thing anymore. And in turn, this gives Shiki the inner strength to want to go back to the RG and start afresh. He gives her one last push to go back when she hesitates since she was the only one granted a second chance, with the promise to see her again; and in just a week, Shiki goes from being the biggest pain in Neku's side to his biggest motivation for surviving the second game and one of his best friends.

Joshua

Another week, another partner.

What's interesting about Joshua is that he is also blue, just a lighter shade. While Shiki is Neku's opposite, Joshua is more akin to his shadow- a mirror, of sorts.

Light Blue: peace, serenity, ethereal, spiritual, infinity

Josh and Neku are extremely similar, but their personalities still converge at enough points that they're starkly different: their tempers especially are a separating point as Neku is much snappier than Joshua (especially if provoked), and despite Josh being represented by a lighter color, in a lot of ways, he symbolizes his partner's negative traits in even more extreme ways in a subversion to expectations; a "darker" version of him, in a sense.

When they first meet, these two also clash, but for entirely different reasons. Joshua's attitude, as well as his dodginess, pisses Neku off immensely. While his first week with Shiki is about relearning how to build trust, his second week is a test of said trust by giving him a partner very similar to his former self: distant, aloof, uncaring. It gets especially tricky when Neku scans Joshua and sees himself dead, and he begins to distance himself again; deciding that there is no way that he can trust him- and not only that, but that it'd be ridiculous to do so. Neku senses something is off: he doesn't know what it is, but it unsettles him enough that he is steadfast in his decision to keep Josh at arm's length.

...Until he and Josh visit Mr. Hanekoma, and upon learning that his teammate and Mr. H are acquainted, Neku decides that perhaps Joshua isn't as bad as he initially thought: but he's still pretty hesitant; and understandably so. Mr. H gives him some backstory of his partner, and his motives start to come to light - turns out, Joshua has been able to see the game while living, and that alienated him from other people since Hanekoma was the only one he could confide in. Just like with Neku, this doesn't justify his behavior, but it does make it understandable: Josh pushes away people by playfully antagonizing them and making himself difficult, and Neku pushes them away through hostility.

When he and Josh visit Udagawa, they connect on both not doing well in groups and Joshua comments that they're more alike than he thought, which leads into a conversation about people not being able to understand each other as long as they have their own worlds and Neku begins to backslide a little:

"Right? They're them, and I'm me. Talking to them gets me nothing."

He goes on to say he respects CAT and their philosophy about doing your own thing and how he needs to just enjoy his life and forget about others, and Josh agrees. While Shiki is Neku's friend, she is the exception, not the norm, and Neku still doesn't trust most people. However, when Josh expresses not needing other people's values, Neku's reply is interesting. He agrees outwardly, but it's hesitant, as if he's unsure of himself.

"Yeah..."

His inner thoughts show us that once again, he is changing.

But...I don't feel that way anymore. Since coming to the UG, reading people's minds- Shibuya's full of people with just as many viewpoints. Mr. H said the world ends with me. To expand my world, I have to learn to look farther- not write off other people's values as inferior.

….Maybe I had it backwards. Maybe I need to open up to really enjoy-��

Josh calls him and snaps him out of his thoughts so we don't know what he was going to think next, but Neku has definitely experienced a massive paradigm shift in his way of thinking: he's inwardly questioning himself and acknowledging his wrongs and showing willingness to trust again and is showing a lot more empathy to other people. However, this resolve begins to crack when more holes in his memory get filled. Neku is angry and confused, but most of all, he's hurt and we see it in his reaction when Josh asks if he's okay; because he distances himself again. This situation causes him grow distant once more and he also gets more openly prickly since his trust is shaky. Josh relating to him that he feels he belongs in the UG doesn't help matters, either.

However, a later conversation has him moving forwards again. While acknowledging that people are not meant to see eye to eye, he thinks to himself that perhaps it is better that way. People don't think alike, but they can at least try to understand each other; and he then gets the resolve to actually counter Joshua's argument of solely reading people's thoughts and not talking to them.

"But why? Where's the enjoyment in that? I'd rather broaden my world my own way."

And again, we get a small paradigm shift of Neku feeling comfortable enough to express the positive changes that he has slowly been experiencing: blue symbolizes stability, and by this point in the story he is obtaining more and more of it: in his values, in his emotional expression, in how he deals with people, etc. He gets thrown for an immense loop learning that Joshua is alive though, and Neku finally snaps when his teammate brushes it off claiming they're "just like any other pair"-

He's utterly disgusted by Joshua treating the Game as an adrenaline rush- even when Neku first got into the Reaper's Game, he never enjoyed it, even if he initially was only looking out for himself at first; and the idea of getting excitement from toying with death is foreign to him. It only gets worse when Neku accuses Josh that HE killed him, and simply is taunted in return. From that point onward, he becomes openly hostile and snappy again, throwing the idea of trusting his teammate to the wind and tells him upfront that he's only going to tolerate him to survive; leaning back on his negative qualities (because growth is a process and there will be moments of wavering and backwards steps, and that's normal!)

Later on he also shows open distress when a Reaper is attacked and they are unable to save him; declaring they "left him to die." Even though it wasn't any fault of their own, Neku self-blames just like Shiki did in the first week- thinking that he could've done something, maybe if he had gotten there sooner, or defeated the Noise faster. While not 100%, Neku is comfortable enough to openly express sorrow, and Joshua underhandedly sympathizes and takes the blame off him ("We did what we had to do Neku.") He also protects Sota from Noise later down the line even though his partner is already erased and he's going to die anyway and again expresses sadness ("If only we'd gotten here earlier") and even indignation after the older man dies, screaming in anger about all the people who have been erased ("These are people, not toys!!"). When Josh questions him about the interest in others, he then explains that he's gotten to know folks better and that "it's different now".

"They're not just strangers. I can't shut them out like that."

This is really important because in this, Neku is essentially declaring he cannot go back to who he used to be; nor does he WANT to. He refuses to, and he is making a conscious effort to be open to other people even if he doesn't understand them. Neku goes on to assert that one needs to reach out to others as well in counter to Josh asserting that he won't ever be able to understand others and this time, Joshua responds positively. Through Neku's steadfastness and refusal to waver on his viewpoints once he truly feels solid in them, and his courage to express them and not back down; he influences Joshua into thinking that perhaps people truly do need each other and can understand each other, even if it isn't easy to do so. In showing sympathy towards his enemies, he also proves again and again that people can change too, for the better; and his wisdom begins to shine once more. (And it is this change that ultimately leads Joshua to decide to save Shibuya) Unfortunately, Neku is thrown for yet another loop upon getting more of his memory back and thinking that Sho killed him, and Josh sacrificing himself is absolutely world-rocking.

He blames himself again, angry at himself for not opening up; and it is with this mindset that he is thrown into the Reaper's Game for the final time. His trust is in shambles, and the third week is Neku's personal test to see if he is willing to reach out despite being recently wounded by his partner.

Speaking of, Joshua doesn't really have an arc compared to the rest of the cast: rather, he serves as the catalyst to their growth instead. His character is interesting because from beginning to end, he expresses essentially none of the positive attributes of the color he is represented by; he only appears to at first glance. While Josh does change his mind about destroying UG Shibuya and is convinced that people can change for the better, whether he himself changes for the better is up for debate. Orange is the second color associated with him (it's the shade of his cell phone and his stickers), but just like with light blue, he expresses none of its positive traits.

Orange: enthusiasm, happiness, creativity, determination, encouragement

Negative symbolism of orange includes insensitivity, pessimism, and being unsociable, all aspects of Joshua's character. He doesn't think that people can change; and that it is impossible to understand them (he even goes as far to express "I'd rather just get rid of them" in a dark contrast to Neku, who is content to merely ignore people). Josh doesn't like groups of people either, and he exhibits insensitivity many times throughout the second week, merely behaving charismatic in order to interact with others. He doesn't really grow outwardly, but that's not the point of his character; he's Neku's test to see if he's truly changed or not.

Joshua is Neku's shadow, he's in the same vein. Rather than night and day, they are as dusk and midnight.

Beat

Beat is interesting because his color was actually switched for Final Remix: in the original DS version Beat is green, and in the Switch version he is yellow. I'm going to dive into both because I feel they're equally important. I already covered green for Shiki, but green has yet another meaning which describes Beat to a tee- safety. While Shiki is the moral support and mediator, he is the protector: he's extremely sacrificing for his sister and the people he cares about to the point of putting himself in physical danger to keep them safe (such as jumping in front of a car to save Rhyme, or jumping in front of Neku to protect him from a brainwashed Shiki). That much stays constant throughout the game. Healing also applies to him, as he helps Neku to open up and feel safe being emotional again by not being ashamed of being emotional himself: Beat openly cries over Rhyme and Neku mourns with him, and they help each other heal by learning to rely on one another. Not just as partners, but as friends.

Yellow: joy, warmth, positivity, friendship

From the get go, Beat is a huge bundle of energy and he's extremely kind; although he gets rather volatile if he feels slighted. But like with Shiki, he's overall a very sweet person and openly emotional: he gets angry in a heartbeat, laughs heartily when he's happy, and cries freely when he's sad- and his tears are never portrayed in a negative manner either; they're just a normal reaction to a sad situation and this normalization of sorrow leads to Neku getting comfortable again in being vulnerable- one could argue he's the most emotional in Week 3. Yellow is the complementary color to purple, which is also the main shade of Neku's design. Rather than an opposite like Shiki, or a shadow like Joshua, Beat is Neku's foil. He's a lot kinder and he's got a big heart but he is also extremely impulsive and acts w/o thinking. In contrast, Neku thinks things through logically, but he's a little lacking emotionally; and so they balance each other out. He's also highly attune to when Neku starts withdrawing into himself and gently snaps him out of it constantly; showing once again his sensitivity to emotion. (He consistently asks Neku if he's okay when he gets lost in thought; which Neku does a lot, especially if he's upset. Beat keeps him grounded.)

Beat's arc is finding value in himself again + doing his best; not for other people, but for himself and finding his drive. When mourning Rhyme, he vents that "she thought I was worth dying for" and that she had much more to live for, and he doesn't understand why she'd sacrifice for him. (And he blames himself for her death, as well) While Beat is protective out of the kindness of his heart, it also comes from a lack of self-worth: he places other people above himself, to a fault. Neku sympathizes with his grief but then goes a step farther to encourage him to not be regretful. In another contrast to Shiki, rather than another's identity making him feel inferior to the point of emulating them and overshooting, Beat jumps to the other side of the ditch and loses his passion altogether.

Rhyme refused to give up on him, but eventually Beat began to resent her pity and he began to push her away as well. After they both died and came to the Game though, Rhyme's declaration that she had nothing to live for startled him into realizing that she meant a lot more to him than he thought and more than anything else; he wanted to be there for her as she was for him. After beating himself up, Neku comforts Beat in his own way, telling him that he needs to focus on the now and not let his sorrow overcome him, in essence; but also to go the distance just for himself, not for anyone else.

And Beat gets his fire all over again, eventually declaring that Neku isn't his partner anymore- he's a friend, and one that he cares about a lot.

Through his partners, Neku finds himself, they all strengthen different aspects of him. He learns to trust, to be open, to find value in friendship again and him taking off his headphones is the ultimate metaphor of him letting the world back in.

Shiki, his opposite.

Joshua, his shadow.

Beat, his foil.

They all shaped his world, and showed Neku just how wonderful it really is.

And that is beautiful.

#twewy #neku sakuraba #shiki misaki #joshua kiryu #beat #daisukenojo bito #the world ends with you #meta #I have a lot of feelings for this game. It's a masterpiece.

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