#BUT i still spend SIGNIFICANT chunks of most days just. in bed. not even on my phone just. listless :/ cant get fuckin ANYTHING done -_-''

[sad--tree]

what's up my dudes i havent checked my college email in at least 2 weeks, i missed the deadline 4 the makeup assignment for a course from last term, and im gonnadrop my only current course BUT i have no idea if the "withdrawal w/o academic penalty [aka an F]" date has passed! why yes i have been experiencing a severe relapse in my formerly-former depression, what makes you ask?

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal January 5, 2023

I just left after volunteering my time at the data center the first time. The day center at my church, I arrived at nine and left at about 150 in the afternoon. Barbara is correct, you could not make up the stories if you try. No one would believe that. I can already tell that some people there are absolute characters. I heard about someone and took her son at this moment son who, they both need a walker in order to move unless they've had alcohol in which case they can move freely and completely.

I wore my boots, I need different boots. I want to say I need to open toed boots, but I think what I need is zero trough boots, that will let my toes appropriately spread out. I've worked all day on my feet

Once, I know what being on my feet should feel that I hello, my lower back hurts.

I got woken up this morning earlier at Ornish, Sucre. I pray for about an hour that I feel like I got told to go back to bed. I chose in and out of sleep until around eight. I had not set my alarm, which I will do now on. Ashley is actually one woke me up phone call at 8 AM.

– And I seem to have come to a reasonable meeting of the minds regarding money. She's going to continue paying the rents, and that technically will be my income from which I will time. That I think will actually handle most of my monthly expenses not counting taxes. I still need to check to see what my guy has said about my savings.

In the past week Ash and I had been fighting about it a lot. She got hired, but I congratulated for a number four, then five minutes later I started talking about tithing. I do not handle it well. She is understandably upset, considering that she justifiably feels that I lied to her which was not consciously intentional, but practically, for all practical measures is what happened. She proposed the solution of just continuing to pay rent, and from that I will try.

For my first day in the day center, I started off by wiping down tables, and then I spent most the day in the kitchen just serving coffee serving whatever meal people asked for. We had some soup we had some toast with the, with the options of peanut butter, jelly, butter, we also had oatmeal, soup, baked potato, baked sweet potato, those last two were microwaved., Several different kinds of bread. I currently find it striking that I am more easily able to list off the food and items I dealt with rather than the people I dealt with. I know that it used to be true. I feel like I stored a significant chunk of my brain into memorizing the names of people and their faces.

Really was there today, I also saw Pastor Heather. I wish them both a happy new year. Barbara, saw, and Donnie were there. I also saw Garrett's, who is in charge of social services. Donny and I talked a little bit about poetry, and the next poetry meeting. Barbara is a gem. She may have the attitude of being the class clown, but she also has a knack and skill, of interacting with people. Right now, I feel like a wet blanket. I don't feel like I have the skill of interacting with a lot of different people, or bringing moods up.

I'm not certain that any particular tricks for tips are going to help me with this group. I don't think trying to be or charismatic will help. I mean, it might but only to a certain extent. It still something worth looking into. But I think maybe learning this group of people will be more helpful. Just this learning people's names, I know I recognize faces from people of the church, not being afraid to just stay in the kitchen. They mentioned how on Tuesdays there are Mormon missionaries who come to spend time it be helpful.. They would worth it would be worthwhile to be there to observe and learn that.

I am beginning to realize what I have done. I left my job. I have not been without one, really, since I left school. And even that, searching for a job was my job. And before school, school was my job. I have yet to actually figure out what my job is right now, beyond writing, and obeying God. The second is it's a job, it's a joy. At least I keep telling myself that, sometimes it is not fun. I'm just realizing how much of who I am as a person, and how much my job dictated my time.

[whumpmatsus]

hush. [ Wakabamatsu ]

In which Jyushimatsu wakes up with a migraine, but his big brother is going to take good care of him, so... it’s okay.

Jyushimatsu doesn’t usually wake up easily, unless he hears Ichimatsu’s voice or all the rest of his brothers are arguing.

He’s so full of energy for most of the day, it’s like he recharges at night by sleeping so deeply. Even going to bed with the lights on doesn’t bother him like it might for, say, Ichimatsu. He’s also typically asleep before everyone else… though that doesn’t necessarily translate into being awake earlier.

Tonight, or maybe it’s really early in the morning, he’s woken up by the most excruciating physical pain he’s ever felt.

It feels like someone’s jabbing an ice pick into the left side of his head, right above his eye. The pain isn’t repetitive; rather, it doesn’t seem to actually stop at all. It’s just constant and there and awful.

Worse yet is the fact that it feels like the world is spinning. The sensation makes him panicky, his heart pounding against his ribs, because he knows he isn’t moving. He’s still as can be and it’s everything else that’s moving. Isn’t it?

He exerts what he thinks is an enormous amount of willpower into closing his eyes and clenching his fists. Maybe he’s dreaming? That’s it. He’s just dreaming about being on a boat or something.

It only takes a few seconds for him to decide that is not what’s going on. The rocking sensation is getting worse, and he’s not waking up, so this can’t be a dream.

He takes a breath and throws his hand to the side, frantically searching for his older brother beside him. “Ch… Choromatsu-nii-san…!” He tries to keep his eyes shut. If he opens them again, the pain in his head is going to intensify.

There’s a tired groan from beside him, and the sounds of Choromatsu trying to get his bearings. “Huhm… mmh… Jyushimatsu? Aaah…” He yawns. “Is everything okay?”

“No… no, I don’t feel good…” He wishes he could feel prideful about complaining or guilty for waking his big brother up. Normally, he would at least try to suffer on his own for a bit before going to one of his brothers. Instead, the pain overtakes everything else.

“Aaaah… it’s okay, it’s okay. Don’t worry, I’m right here to take care of you, alright?” Choromatsu is careful as always when he knows one of the others is feeling poorly, and he scoots closer. “Come here. Will it make you feel better if I hold you for a little bit?”

Jyushimatsu isn’t sure. However, as with most other situations, a hug certainly can’t hurt when he isn’t feeling well. “Ahahah… y-yeah, maybe… my head really hurts.” He turns over into his brother’s embrace, expecting to have an easier time calming down once he’s nestled against Choromatsu’s chest.

Choromatsu’s arms reach out to pull Jyushimatsu closer. “Ah, no… I’m sorry, Jyushi. It’s okay… I’ll rub it and maybe you can get back to sleep.”

That sounds nice, but it doesn’t get a chance to happen. Any possibility of peace evaporates as soon as Jyushimatsu rolls onto his side. He opens his eyes briefly only for his vision to wobble and darken. The spinning he’s been feeling takes half a second to blossom into full-on nausea, then he practically chokes on a gag.

It’s all the warning either of them get before suddenly he’s vomited into the space between them ― and, more embarrassingly, he’s pretty sure it splashed Choromatsu in the process.

“Ah! J-Jyushimatsu!” Despite what just happened, Choromatsu moves to pull Jyushimatsu closer to him in an attempt to comfort him, particularly when it becomes clear that his poor little brother has started to wail. “Oh, my God… Jyushi… h-hey, hey, it’s okay! D-don’t cry, please!”

The sound of someone, or maybe the entire rest of their brood, moaning awake on the other side of Choromatsu serves to do nothing except make the pounding in Jyushimatsu’s head louder. His own sobbing makes pressure against his skull and it’s sharp and why can’t he stop?

“Hey, what gives? Are you two assclowns trying to wake the whole fucking neighborhood?” Osomatsu’s voice is groggy and irritated, and it’s just one more thing driving that ice pick deeper into Jyushimatsu’s head.

Jyushimatsu can feel the vibration from the growl Choromatsu gives toward their eldest. “God, would you calm your tits? Jyushimatsu threw up.”

“In the futon?!”

“Are you kidding me right now? He couldn’t help it!”

Osomatsu whines for a second, which is exactly no help to Jyushimatsu’s headache, but then he just yawns. “Geez… what happened??”

“I don’t know…” Choromatsu’s hand combs lightly through his brother’s hair, though it’s not any significant relief. Mostly it makes Jyushimatsu feel less self-conscious; if Choromatsu isn’t freaking out and moving away, he’s probably more worried about Jyushimatsu’s wellbeing than with the fact that he and the futon just got puked on. “He woke me up and said he didn’t feel good, that his head hurt. Then he rolled over so I could hold him, and… threw up.”

Jyushimatsu whimpers pitifully, trying to wipe at his mouth. “I f-feel seasick… my eyes are all blurry… my head hurts really bad…”

Choromatsu lets out a quiet, “Oh…” like he’s had some big moment of realization about what’s going on. “Jyushi… did you feel sick to your stomach before you moved?”

“Mnh-mnh. It just felt like… the world was spinning… still feels like that. I thought I was d-dreaming about being on a boat… then when I moved… my stomach went all flip-floppy… feels a little better now.”

“Okay, okay… that’s good, at least. What about your head? Is the pain mostly on one side?”

“Uh-huh. Like someone’s… trying to drill into my brain right above my left eye…”

“Aw. Gosh. Well, in that case…” He leans down to press a kiss to Jyushimatsu’s head, and pats his back in reassurance. “Sounds like a migraine to me. Like a headache times a thousand, complete with a side of vertigo and aura. I’m sorry Osomatsu is such a dick that he yelled at us.”

“WHAT?! I’m not a dick! I’m just tired!”

Choromatsu hisses as the noise makes Jyushimatsu flinch. “Those things aren’t mutually exclusive, you jackass. And would you show some Goddamn concern for your baby brother over here? You’re talking loud and making him more miserable.”

“You just―” Osomatsu stops dead as he seems to realize that he’s literally just proving Choromatsu’s point. “― Ah, shit, sorry, Jyushi. Uhhh. What are we supposed to do for this? Besides get out of the futon and go set up camp in the living room for the night?”

“Yeah,” comes a low, sleep-husky voice Jyushimatsu recognizes as Ichimatsu’s. “Is there anything we can do? The last time I had a headache that made me blow chunks, I was out of it for the rest of the day and still felt all hazy once it was gone.”

Jyushimatsu almost starts crying again at the thought of feeling so bad for an entire day. He settles for sniffling and tucking his painful head under Choromatsu’s chin.

The action gets the third eldest’s attention, as he’s immediately pulled in closer and gets another kiss on the head. “Aah, well… most of the time, a migraine kind of has to go away on its own. We can try giving him painkillers and making it as dark as possible in here and keeping things quiet…”

Totty snorts. “So keep Osomatsu-nii-san away from him, then.”

“Oh, you two-faced little―”

“Osomatsu-nii-san! Where are your manners? Jyushimatsu-nii-san’s head!”

“I don’t have manners at 5 in the morning on a Monday!”

“Dear brothers, why are we all sniping at each other? Should we not instead be trying to help our little Jyushimatsu?”

“Like you could be any help. Just being around you has to be causing him more pain, Shittymatsu.”

“Cut it the fuck out, all of you!” Choromatsu’s voice comes out in a vicious whisper as he continues to cradle Jyushimatsu. “None of you are helping right now. You guys just… get your pillows, get some extra blankets, and head into the living room. I’ll get Jyushimatsu and I changed, we’ll move over to a clean part of the futon, and I’ll spend the rest of the night in here with him.”

There’s a distinct pause, which almost sounds louder than if anyone had said anything. Finally Ichimatsu speaks up again. “Are you sure? I can stay.”

“No, no, it’s okay, Ichimatsu. I’ve got it. You know I’ll take good care of him.”

Ichimatsu lets out a soft sigh. “… Yeah, I know. Let us know if we can help.”

“I will. You guys go try to get some sleep, okay?”

The other four murmur some well wishes, probably trying not to make things worse, and the sound of the door sliding open is sort of like a knife cutting through Jyushimatsu’s mind. He curls up tighter against Choromatsu, looking for protection.

Though, unfortunately, based on what his big brother said a minute ago, there’s nothing that can really be done to take away the pain. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles, sniffling again. “I didn’t m-mean to throw up on you…”

“Hey, hey, it’s alright. Jyushimatsu, it’s okay. You don’t feel well. It’s not like you wanted to do it.” Choromatsu rubs Jyushimatsu’s back a few times, giving a cautious squeeze to his whole body. “You don’t need to be sorry. Now, listen. I’m gonna close the curtains and blinds and go change my clothes real fast, then I’m gonna try to see if I can get you cleaned up and change your shirt, too. You’re a little dirty… I don’t want you getting nauseous again from the smell. After that I’m gonna carry you to the other side of the futon, and… we’ll make sure the other side gets cleaned up later when you feel better.”

Okay. Okay, that sounds like not too bad of a plan. He can do that, right? It sounds like Choromatsu is going to be the one doing most of the work, so Jyushimatsu shouldn’t have to move too much. That would be ideal; he feels like if he moves to roll onto his back or anything, he might be sick again. “Okay.”

“Okay? Okay. Good, uh… hm… if we can get some painkillers in you, it might help take the edge off the migraine. Do you think maybe you could get some medicine down with a few sips of water?”

“I… I dunno… maybe.” The thought of swallowing anything isn’t pleasant. But if it could potentially take a little bit of the pain away, he can try. What’s the worst thing that could happen? He might hurl again? At least he’ll have given it a shot.

He feels Choromatsu pull away from him. “Alright, we’ll try it, then. I’ll bring a trashcan in here just in case you throw up again. And, ah, let’s see… sometimes an ice pack against your head helps. Want me to bring one?”

He barely resists the urge to nod, because he knows that would be a terrible idea right now. “Mhm.”

“Alright. You just… lie still and don’t move, okay? I’ll be back in a few minutes. Let me see if I can get it a little darker in here…”

There’s a brief rattling sound that comes along with Choromatsu trying to shut the blinds, then a fabric-shifting noise from the curtains.

Instantly the soft sunlight which was trying to filter in is blocked. Despite the fact that it’s not totally pitch black, it feels like shadows have descended on the room. Cool, greyish shadows that are protecting him from the agony of anything bright.

A few minutes seems kind of like an eternity to Jyushimatsu at the moment. He’s still a little dizzy even with his eyes clamped shut, although the nausea has faded into almost nothing, thank goodness. The sharp pain in his head continues, and he’s partially convinced that it’s going to split him in half.

Everything is awful. He’s used to being the one who can tolerate the most extreme things and often is fully involved in those things. Yet, right now, everything is too much. Even his own thoughts are too loud.

The only movement he makes is to reach up a trembling hand and touch his head in some childish hope that holding it will make the hurt stop. Unlike Choromatsu’s gentle kisses, however, just touching the epicenter of the migraine sends a horrible shockwave of pain through his whole body.

When Choromatsu returns, he returns to his little brother curled up in a ball, breathing deeply and still mewling in intense discomfort.

“Hey, Jyushi… I’m back.” He keeps his voice low as he kneels down, giving another couple of rubs to Jyushimatsu’s back. “You doing okay?”

Ugh, why would he ask that?? Jyushimatsu wants to be angry, he is a little annoyed… but Choromatsu is trying to take care of him. He can’t be too pissed when all his big brother wants is to make him as comfortable as possible. “No… it hurts.”

“Aah, I know, I know… I’m sorry. Is it okay if I try to change your shirt now? I can probably do it without making you sit up, if I’m careful… you’ll have to raise your arms, though.”

“Uh-huh… okay.”

“I will have to sit you up to take the medicine in a minute.” His hand pulls at the bottom of Jyushimatsu’s shirt, starting to roll it up. “I’ve got a trashcan here if you think you’re gonna be sick again. Just give a big squeeze to any part of me you can reach if you need to throw up, okay?”

“Mmh, okay…”

It’s a slow process as Choromatsu gradually manages to get Jyushimatsu’s shirt up off him. Jyushimatsu raises his arms when prompted, and that little motion makes him feel like he’s swaying even more than he already felt like. He’s able to keep them up until his brother gets his arms and head through the new shirt, thank goodness.

How he doesn’t accidentally roll into the mess he made in the futon is beyond him. He mostly credits that to Choromatsu, though. It feels like his big brother is holding him pretty steady, from what he can tell.

“There we go,” Choromatsu sighs, with a sound like he’s dusting his hands off. “Do you think you’ll be okay to sit up and take the medicine?”

Before he can stop himself, a small whine comes out. “I… I changed my mind, Choromatsu-nii-san. I think I’ll puke if I sit up and try to swallow anything…”

Choromatsu’s hand kneads gingerly at the base of Jyushimatsu’s neck. Even among everything else, it’s a comforting gesture. “Hey, hey, that’s fine. The water and medicine will still be here when you feel like you’re okay to take it. I’m just gonna carry you over to the other side of the futon now, okay? I’m gonna pick you up, and I’ll go really slow. You gonna be alright?”

“Mmm… y-yeah, I think so. Not too fast… right?”

“Right. And just tell me if you need me to stop for a second. Here we go, okay?”

Jyushimatsu braces himself for the movement, and true to Choromatsu’s word, he’s lifted up very gingerly, in a series of tiny moves rather than one swift one. He keeps his eyes shut as his brother makes a little adjustment, with one arm under Jyushimatsu’s legs and one supporting his back, and his head cradled against Choromatsu’s chest.

Despite his pain, Jyushimatsu finds the energy to give a weak laugh. “Haha… upsy-daisy…”

Choromatsu chuckles along, a barely-there breath of amusement. “Yeah, upsy-daisy. You remember… that one day when we were all kids, and Mom took us to the beach ― that day it was sunny in the morning but started raining when we’d only been in the water for like half an hour?”

“Oh, yeah… hehe… and then we made a beach in the living room when we got home… because I put a bucketful of sand in our tote bag before we started swimming, hehe.”

“Yeah, that’s right! I remember Osomatsu, Karamatsu, and I each grabbed one of you younger guys… Osomatsu grabbed Totty, and Karamatsu grabbed Ichimatsu, and I grabbed you. We carried you out of the water and into the car, haha… running to get out of the rain as fast as we could.”

After a second, Jyushimatsu is laid down in that same careful way Choromatsu picked him up, and having a clean part of the futon under him feels a lot better. Soon enough his older brother is lying next to him, gingerly guiding him into a hug to comfort him. “I remember holding you in my arms way back then just like I did a minute ago. I held you really close and tried to keep you from getting wet, haha.”

“Mmm.” Jyushimatsu snuggles in closer and buries his face in Choromatsu’s chest to try and shut out whatever light might be left. “I think I remember that, too. Hahah… you’re a good big brother. Trying to keep me safe.”

Choromatsu’s hand strokes through Jyushimatsu’s hair; long, syrupy strokes that feel much better than when he tried to hold his head himself. The ice pack must have been set down close, because something cold and soothing is held against the left side of his head. “W-well, you know… you’re a good little brother… worthy of being kept safe.”

“Haha. All the rest of your little brothers… they can suck it, right?”

He snorts, and thank God, it doesn’t disrupt the peace they’ve both been trying to cultivate. “Aah, no… all my brothers are worthy of being kept safe. Even the jackass eldest and the hollow monster baby. But, I mean… don’t tell them I said that.”

Jyushimatsu breathes in and out a few times as he settles in to hopefully get some sleep. “No, no, no… it’d go to their heads.”

“Heh, good. Speaking of dreaming… let’s try to get some rest, okay? Fingers crossed you’ll be feeling better after a little more sleep. If not, at least you won’t be totally conscious for some of the pain. I’ll take the ice pack off in a few minutes here, and all you have to do is let me know if you need anything. Sound like a plan?”

“Mhm. Nighty night, Choromatsu-nii-san.”

A warm breath of a sigh hits the top of his head. In a way, just having his big brother close like this is more comforting than any other remedy he could have suggested. “Night, Jyushi. Feel better soon or else I’m just gonna have to keep taking care of you.”

[96harmony96]

Chapter 1

I loved New York with the kind of mad passion I reserved for only one other thing in my life. The city was a microcosm of new world opportunities and old world traditions. Conservatives rubbed shoulders with bohemians. Oddities coexisted with priceless rarities. The pulsing energy of the city fueled international business bloodlines and drew people from all over the world.

And the embodiment of all that vibrancy, driving ambition, and world-renowned power had just screwed me to two toe-curlingly awesome orgasms.

As I padded over to her massive walk-in closet, I glanced at lauren jauregui’s sex-rumpled bed and shivered with remembered pleasure. My hair was still damp from a shower, and the towel wrapped around me was my only article of clothing. I had an hour and a half before I had to be at work, which was cutting it a little too close for comfort. Obviously, I was going to have to allot time in my morning routine for sex, otherwise I’d always be scrambling. Lauren woke up ready to conquer the world, and she liked to start that domination with me.

How lucky was I?

Because it was sliding into July in New York and the temperature was heating up, I chose a slim pair of pressed natural-linen slacks and a sleeveless poplin shell in a soft brown that matched my eyes. Since I had no hairstyling talent, I pulled my long drown hair back in a simple ponytail, then made up my face. When I was presentable, I left the bedroom.

I heard Lauren's voice the moment I stepped into the hallway. A tiny shiver moved through me when I realized she was angry, her voice low and clipped. she didn’t rile easily . . . unless she was ticked off with me. I could get her to raise her voice and curse, even shove her hands through her glorious shoulder-length mane of inky black hair.

For the most part, though, Lauren was a testament to leashed power. There was no need for her to shout when she could get people to quake in their shoes with just a look or a tersely spoken word.

I found her in her home office. She stood with her back to the door and a Bluetooth receiver in her ear. Her arms were crossed and she was staring out the windows of her Fifth Avenue penthouse apartment, giving the impression of a very solitary woman, an individual who was separate from the world around her, yet entirely capable of ruling it.

Leaning into the doorjamb, I drank her in. I was certain my view of the skyline was more awe-inspiring than her. My vantage point included her superimposed over those towering skyscrapers, an equally powerful and impressive presence. she’d finished her shower before I managed to crawl out of bed. her seriously addictive body was now dressed in two pieces of an expensively tailored three-piece suit—an admitted hot button of mine. The rear view of her showcased a perfect ass and a powerful back encased in a vest.

On the wall was a massive collage of photos of us as a couple and one very intimate one that she’d taken of me while I was sleeping. Most were pictures taken by the paparazzi who followed her every move. She was Lauren Jauregui, of Jauregui Industries, and at the ridiculous age of twenty-eight, she was one of the top twenty-five richest people in the world. I was pretty sure she owned a significant chunk of Manhattan; I was positive she was the hottest woman on the planet. And she kept photos of me everywhere she worked, as if I could possibly be as fun to look at as she was.

she turned, pivoting gracefully to catch me with her icy green gaze. Of course she’d known I was there, watching her. There was a crackling in the air when we were near each other, a sense of anticipation like the coiled silence before the boom of thunder. she’d probably deliberately waited a beat before facing me, giving me the opportunity to check her out because she knew I loved to look at her.

Dark and Dangerous. And all mine.

God . . . I never got used to the impact of that face. Those sculpted cheekbones and dark winged brows, the thickly lashed green eyes, and those lips . . . perfectly etched to be both sensual and wicked. I loved when they smiled with sexual invitation, and I shivered when they thinned into a stern line. And when she pressed those lips to my body, I burned for her.

Jeez, listen to yourself. My mouth curved, remembering how annoyed I used to get at pals who waxed poetic about their boyfriends’ good looks. But here I was, constantly awed by the gorgeousness of the complicated, frustrating, messed-up, sexy-as-sin woman I was falling deeper in love with every day.

As we stared at each other, her scowl didn’t lessen, nor did she cease speaking to the poor soul on the receiving end of her call, but her gaze warmed from its chilly irritation to scorching heat.

I should’ve gotten used to the change that came over her when she looked at me, but it still hit me with a force strong enough to rock me on my feet. That look conveyed how hard and deep she wanted to fuck me—which she did every chance she got—and it also afforded me a glimpse of her raw, unrelenting force of will. A core of strength and command marked everything Lauren did in life.

“See you at eight on Saturday,” she finished, before yanking off the earpiece and tossing it on her desk. “Come here, camila.”

Another shiver slid through me at the way she said my name, with the same authoritative bite she used when she said Come, Camila, while I was beneath her . . . filled with her . . . desperate to climax for her . . .

“No time for that, ace.” I backed into the hallway, because I was weak where she was concerned. The soft rasp in her smooth, cultured voice was nearly capable of making me orgasm just listening to it. And whenever she touched me, I caved.

I hurried to the kitchen to make us some coffee.

she muttered something under her breath and followed me out, her long stride easily gaining on mine. I found myself pinned to the hallway wall by a six feet, two inches of hard, hot male.

“You know what happens when you run, angel.” Lauren nipped my lower lip with her teeth and then soothed the sting with the caress of her tongue. “I catch you.”

Inside me, something sighed with happy surrender and my body went lax with pleasure at being pressed so close to her. I craved her constantly, so deeply it was a physical ache. What I felt was lust, but it was also so much more. Something so precious and profound that Lauren's lust for me wasn’t the trigger it would’ve been with another man. If anyone else had attempted to subdue me with the weight of their body, I would’ve freaked out. But it had never been an issue with lauren. She knew what I needed and how much I could take.

The sudden flash of her grin stopped my heart.

Confronted with that breathtaking face framed by that lustrous dark hair, I felt my knees weaken just a little. She was so polished and urbane except for the decadent length of those silky strands.

she nuzzled her nose against mine. “You can’t smile at me like that, then walk away. Tell me what you were thinking about when I was on the phone.”

My lips twisted wryly. “How gorgeous you are. It’s sickening how often I think about that. I need to get over it already.”

she cupped the back of my thigh and urged me tighter against her, teasing me with an expert roll of her hips against mine. She was outrageously gifted in bed. And she knew it. “Damn if I’ll let you.”

“Oh?” Heat slid sinuously through my veins, my body too greedy for the feel of her. “You can’t tell me you want another starry-eyed woman hanging on you, Miss. Hates-Exaggerated-Expectations.”

“What I want,” she purred, cupping my jaw and rubbing my bottom lip with the pad of her thumb, “is you being too busy thinking about me to think about anyone else.”

I pulled in a slow and shaky breath. I was completely seduced by the smoldering look in her eyes, the provocative tone of her voice, the heat of her body, and the mouthwatering scent of her skin. She was my drug, and I had no desire to kick the habit.

“Lauren,” I breathed, entranced.

With a soft groan, she sealed her chiseled mouth over mine, stealing away thoughts of what time it was with a lush, deep kiss . . . a kiss that almost succeeded in distracting me from seeing the insecurity she’d just revealed.

I pushed my fingers into her hair to hold her still and kissed her back, my tongue sliding along her, stroking. We’d been a couple for such a short period of time. Less than a month. Worse, neither of us knew how to have a relationship like the one we were attempting to build—a relationship in which we refused to pretend we weren’t both seriously broken.

her arms banded around me and tightened possessively. “I wanted to spend the weekend with you down in the Florida Keys—naked.”

“Umm, sounds nice.” More than nice. As big of a kick as I got out of Lauren in a three-piece suit, I much preferred her stripped to the skin. I avoided pointing out that I wouldn’t be available this weekend . . .

“Now I’ve got to spend the weekend taking care of business,” she muttered, her lips moving against mine.

“Business you put off to be with me?” she’d been leaving work early to spend time with me, and I knew that had to be costing her. My mother was in her third marriage, and all of her spouses were successful, wealthy moguls of one kind or another. I knew the price for ambition was very late hours.

“I pay other people a generous salary so I can be with you.”

Nice dodge, but noting the flash of irritation in her gaze, I distracted her. “Thank you. Let’s get some coffee before we run out of time.”

Lauren stroked her tongue along my bottom lip, then released me. “I’d like to get off the ground by eight tomorrow night. Pack cool and light. Arizona’s got dry heat.”

“What?” I blinked at her retreating back as it disappeared into her office. “Arizona is where your business is?”

“Unfortunately.”

Uh . . . whoa. Instead of risking my shot at coffee, I postponed arguing and continued on to the kitchen. I passed through Lauren's spacious apartment with its stunning prewar architecture and slender arched windows, my heels alternately clicking over gleaming hardwood and muffled by Aubusson rugs. Decorated in dark woods and neutral fabrics, the luxurious space was brightened by jeweled accents. As much as her place screamed money, it managed to remain warm and welcoming, a comfortable place to relax and feel pampered.

When I reached the kitchen, I wasted no time in shoving a travel mug under the one-cup coffeemaker. Lauren joined me with her jacket draped over one arm and her cell phone in her hand. I put another portable mug under the spout for her before I went to the fridge for some half-and-half.

“It might be fortunate after all.” I faced her and reminded her of my roommate issue. “I need to knock heads with Cary this weekend.”

Lauren dropped her phone in the inner pocket of her jacket, then hung the garment off the back of one of the bar stools at the island. “You’re coming with me, camila.”

Exhaling in a rush, I added half-and-half to my coffee. “To do what? Lie around naked, waiting for you to finish work and fuck me?”

her gaze held mine as she collected her mug and sipped her steaming coffee with too-calm deliberation. “Are we going to argue?”

“Are you going to be difficult? We talked about this. You know I can’t leave Cary after what happened last night.” The multibody tangle I’d found in my living room gave new meaning to the word clusterfuck.

I put the carton back in the fridge and absorbed the sensation of being drawn to her inexorably by the force of her will. It’d been that way from the beginning. When she chose to, Lauren could make me feel her demands. And it was very, very difficult to ignore the part of me that begged to give her whatever she wanted. “You’re going to take care of business and I’m going to take care of my best friend, then we’ll go back to taking care of each other.”

“I won’t be back until Sunday night, camila.”

Oh . . . I felt a sharp twinge in my belly at hearing we’d be apart that long. Most couples didn’t spend every free moment together, but we weren’t like most people. We both had hang-ups, insecurities, and an addiction to each other that required regular contact to keep us functioning properly. I hated being apart from her. I rarely went more than a couple of hours without thinking of her.

“You can’t stand the thought, either,” she said quietly, studying me in that way she had that saw everything. “By Sunday we’ll both be worthless.”

I blew on the surface of my coffee, then took a quick sip. I was unsettled at the thought of going the entire weekend without her. Worse, I hated the thought of her spending that amount of time away from me. She had a world of choices and possibilities out there, women who weren’t so screwed up and difficult to be with.

Still, I managed to say, “We both know that’s not exactly healthy, lauren.”

“Says who? No one else knows what it’s like to be us.”

Okay, I’d give her that.

“We need to get to work,” I said, knowing this impasse was going to drive both of us crazy all day. We’d sort it out later, but for now we were stuck with it.

Resting her hip against the counter, she crossed her ankles and stubbornly settled in. “What we need is for you to come with me.”

“lauren.” My foot began to tap against the travertine tile. “I can’t just give up my life for you. If I turn into arm candy, you’ll get bored real quick. Hell, I’d get sick of myself. It shouldn’t kill us to spend a couple days straightening out other parts of our lives, even if we hate doing it.”

her gaze captured mine. “You’re too much trouble to be arm candy.”

“Takes a troublemaker to know one.”

Lauren straightened, shrugging off her brooding sensuality and instantly capturing me with her severe intensity. So mercurial—like me. “You’ve gotten a lot of press lately, camila. It’s no secret that you’re in New York. I can’t leave you here while I’m gone. Bring Cary with us if you have to. You can butt heads with him while you’re waiting for me to finish work and fuck you.”

“Ha.” Even as I acknowledged her attempt to lighten the strain with humor, I realized what her real objection to being apart from me was—Nathan. My former stepbrother. The living nightmare from my past that Lauren seemed to fear might reappear in my present. It frightened me to concede that she wasn’t totally wrong. The shield of anonymity that had protected me for years had been shattered by our highly public relationship.

God . . . we totally didn’t have the time to get into that mess, but I knew it wasn’t a point Lauren would concede on. She was a woman who claimed her possessions utterly, fought off her competitors with ruthless precision, and would never allow any harm to come to me. I was her safe place, which made me rare and invaluable to her.

Lauren glanced at her watch. “Time to go, angel.”

She fetched her jacket, then gestured for me to precede her through her luxurious living room, where I grabbed my purse and the bag holding my walking shoes and other necessities. A few moments later, we’d finished the descent to the ground floor in her private elcamilator and slid into the back of her black Bentley SUV.

“Hi, Angus,” I greeted her driver, who touched the brim of his old-fashioned chauffeur’s hat.

“Good morning, Miss.Cabello,” he replied, smiling. He was an older gentleman, with a liberal sprinkling of white in his red hair. I liked him for a lot of reasons, not the least of which was the fact that he’d been driving Lauren around since grade school and genuinely cared for her.

A quick glance at the Rolex my mother and stepfather had given me told me I’d make it to work on time . . . if we didn’t get boxed in by traffic. Even as I thought this, Angus slid deftly into the sea of taxis and cars on the street. After the tense quiet of Lauren's apartment, the noise of Manhattan woke me as effectively as a jolt of caffeine. The blaring of horns and the thud of tires over a manhole cover invigorated me. Rapid-moving streams of pedestrians flanked both sides of the clogged street, while buildings stretched ambitiously toward the sky, keeping us in shadow even as the sun climbed.

God, I seriously loved New York. I took the time every day to absorb it, to try to draw it into me.

I settled into the leather seat back and reached for Lauren's hand, giving it a squeeze. “Would you feel better if Cary and I left town for the weekend? Maybe a quick trip to Vegas?”

Lauren's gaze narrowed. “Am I a threat to Cary? Is that why you won’t consider Arizona?”

“What? No. I don’t think so.” Shifting in the seat, I faced her. “Sometimes it takes an all-nighter before I can get him to open up.”

“You don’t think so?” She repeated my answer, ignoring everything but the first words out of my mouth.

“He might feel like he can’t reach out to me when he needs to talk because I’m always with you,” I clarified, steadying my mug with two hands as we drove over a pothole. “Listen, you’re going to have to get over any jealousy about Cary. When I say he’s like a brother to me, Lauren, I’m not kidding. You don’t have to like him but you have to understand that he’s a permanent part of my life.”

“Do you tell him the same thing about me?”

“I don’t have to. He knows. I’m trying to reach a compromise here—”

“I never compromise.”

My brows rose. “In business, I’m sure you don’t. But this is a relationship, lauren. It requires give and—”

Lauren's growl cut me off. “My plane, my hotel, and if you leave the premises you take a security team with you.”

Her sudden, reluctant capitulation surprised me silent for a long minute. Long enough for her brow to arch over those piercing green eyes in a look that said take it or leave it.

“Don’t you think that’s a little extreme?” I prodded. “I’ll have Cary with me.”

“You’ll forgive me if I don’t trust him with your safety after last night.” As she drank her coffee, her posture made it very clear that the conversation was done in her mind. she’d given me her acceptable options.

I might’ve gotten bitchy about that kind of high-handedness if I didn’t understand that taking care of me was her motivation. My past had vicious skeletons, and dating Lauren had put me in a media spotlight that could bring Nathan Barker right to my door.

Plus, controlling everything around her was just part of who Lauren was. It came with the package and I had to make accommodations for that.

“Okay,” I agreed. “Which hotel is yours?”

“I have a few. You can take your pick.” she turned her head to look out the window. “Scott will email you the list. When you’ve decided, let him know and he’ll make the arrangements. We’ll fly out together and return together.”

Leaning my shoulder into the seat, I took a drink of my coffee and noted the way her hand was fisted on her thigh. In the tinted window’s reflection, Lauren's face was impassive, but I could feel her moodiness.

“Thank you,” I murmured.

“Don’t. I’m not happy about this, camila.” A muscle in her jaw twitched. “Your roommate fucks up and I have to spend the weekend without you.”

Hating that she was unhappy, I took her coffee from her and set our travel mugs in the backseat cup holders. Then I climbed into her lap, straddling her. I draped my arms around her shoulders. “I appreciate you bending on this, lauren. It means a lot to me.”

she caught me in her fierce green gaze. “I knew you were going to drive me insane the moment I saw you.”

I smiled, recalling how we’d met. “Sprawled on my ass on the lobby floor of the Crossfire Building?”

“Before. Outside.”

Frowning, I asked, “Outside where?”

“On the sidewalk.” Lauren gripped my hips, squeezing in that possessive, commanding way of her that made me ache for her. “I was leaving for a meeting. A minute later and I would’ve missed you. I’d just gotten into the car when you came around the corner.”

I remembered the Bentley idling at the curb that day. I’d been too awed by the building to take note of the sleek vehicle when I arrived, but I had noticed it when I left.

“You hit me the instant I saw you,” she said gruffly. “I couldn’t look away. I wanted you immediately. Excessively. Almost violently.”

How could I not have known that there’d been more to our first meeting than I’d realized? I thought we’d stumbled across each other by accident. But she’d been leaving for the day . . . which meant she had deliberately backtracked inside. For me.

“You stopped right next to the Bentley,” she went on, “and your head tilted back. You were looking up at the building and I pictured you on your knees, looking up at me that same way.”

The low growl in Lauren's voice had me squirming in her lap. “What way?” I whispered, mesmerized by the fire in her eyes.

“With excitement. A little awe . . . a little intimidation.” Cupping my rear, she urged me tighter against her. “There was no way to stop myself from following you inside. And there you were, right where I’d wanted you, damn near kneeling in front of me. In that minute, I had a half dozen fantasies about what I was going to do to you when I got you naked.”

I swallowed, remembering my similar reaction to her. “Looking at you for the first time made me think about sex. Screaming, sheet-clawing sex.”

“I saw that.” her hands slid up either side of my spine. “And I knew you saw me, too. Saw what I am . . . what I have inside me. You saw right through me.”

And that was what had knocked me on my ass—literally. I’d looked into her eyes and realized how tightly reined she was, what a shadowed soul she had. I had seen power and hunger and control and demand. Somewhere inside me, I’d known she would take me over. It was a relief to know she’d felt the same upheaval over me.

Lauren's hands hugged my shoulder blades and pulled me closer, until our foreheads touched. “No one’s ever seen before, camila. You’re the only one.”

My throat tightened painfully. In so many ways, Lauren was a hard woman, yet she could be so sweet to me. Almost childishly so, which I loved because it was pure and uncontrolled. If no one else bothered to look beyond her striking face and impressive bank account, they didn’t deserve to know her. “I had no idea. You were so . . . cool. I didn’t seem to affect you at all.”

“Cool?” she scoffed. “I was on fire for you. I’ve been fucked up ever since.”

“Gee. Thanks.”

“You made me need you,” she rasped. “Now I can’t stand the thought of two days without you.”

Holding her jaw in my hands, I kissed her tenderly, my lips coaxing and apologetic. “I love you, too,” I whispered against her beautiful mouth. “I can’t stand being away from you, either.”

her returning kiss was greedy, devouring, and yet the way she held me close to her was gentle and reverent. As if I were precious. When she pulled back, we were both breathing hard.

“I’m not even your type,” I teased, trying to lighten the mood before we went into work. Lauren's preference for blondes was well known and well documented.

I felt the Bentley pull over and to a halt. Angus got out of the car to give us privacy, leaving the engine and air-conditioning running. I looked out the window and saw the Crossfire beside us.

“About the type thing—” Lauren's head fell back to rest against the seat. She took a deep breath. “Corinne was surprised by you. You weren’t what she’d expected.”

My jaw tightened at the mention of Lauren's former fiancée. Even knowing that their relationship had been about friendship and loneliness for her, not love, didn’t stop the claws of envy from digging into me. Jealousy was one of my virulent flaws. “Because I’m brunette?”

“Because . . . you don’t look like her.”

My breath caught. I hadn’t considered that Corinne had set the standard for her. Even Magdalene Perez—one of Lauren's friends who wished she were more—had said she’d kept her light hair long to emulate Corinne. But I hadn’t grasped the complexity of that observation. My God . . . if it was true, Corinne had tremendous power over Lauren, way more than I could bear. My heart rate quickened and my stomach churned. I hated her irrationally. Hated that she’d had even a piece of her. Hated every woman who’d known her touch . . . her lust . . . her amazing body.

I started sliding off her.

“camila.” She stayed me by tightening her grip on my thighs. “I don’t know if she’s right.”

I looked down at where she held me, and the sight of my promise ring on the finger of her right hand—my brand of ownership—calmed me. So did the look of confusion on her face when I met her gaze. “You don’t?”

“If that’s what it was, it wasn’t conscious. I wasn’t looking for her in other women. I didn’t know I was looking for anything until I saw you.”

My hands slid down her lapels as relief filled me. Maybe she hadn’t been consciously looking for her, but even if she had, I couldn’t be more different from Corinne in appearance and temperament. I was unique to her; a woman apart from her others in every way. I wished that could be enough to kill my jealousy.

“Maybe it wasn’t a preference so much as a pattern.” I smoothed her frown line with a fingertip. “You should ask Dr. Petersen when we see her tonight. I wish I had more answers after all my years of therapy, but I don’t. There’s a lot that’s inexplicable between us, isn’t there? I still have no idea what you see in me that’s hooked you.”

“It’s what you see in me, angel,” she said quietly, her features softening. “That you can know what I have in me and still want me as much as I want you. I go to sleep every night afraid I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone. Or that I scared you away . . . that I dreamed you—”

“No. lauren.” Jesus. She broke my heart every day. Shattered me.

“I know I don’t tell you how I feel about you in the same way you tell me, but you have me. You know that.”

“Yes, I know you love me, lauren.” Insanely. Outrageously. Obsessively. Just like my feelings for her.

“I’m caught up with you, camila.” With her head tilted back, Lauren pulled me down for the sweetest of kisses, her firm lips moving gently beneath mine. “I’d kill for you,” she whispered, “give up everything I own for you . . . but I won’t give you up. Two days is my limit. Don’t ask for more than that; I can’t give it to you.”

I didn’t take her words lightly. her wealth insulated her, gave her the power and control that had been stolen from her at some point in her life. she’d suffered brutality and violation, just as I had. That she would consider it worthwhile to lose her peace of mind just to keep me meant more than the words I love you.

“I just need the two days, ace, and I’ll make them worth your while.”

The starkness of her gaze bled away, replaced by sexual heat. “Oh? Planning on pacifying me with sex, angel?”

“Yes,” I admitted shamelessly. “Lots of it. After all, the tactic seems to work well for you.”

her mouth curved, but her gaze had a sharpness that quickened my breath. The dark look she gave me reminded me—as if I could forget—that Lauren wasn’t a man who could be managed or tamed.

“Ah, Camila,” she purred, sprawled against the seat with the predatory insouciance of a sleek panther who’d neatly trapped a mouse in her den.

A delicious shiver moved through me. When it came to Lauren, I was more than willing to be devoured.

[stainedglassgardens]

August 2021

I’ve been taking care of myself and trying to improve on the way I live more generally. For instance a few months ago I purchased some fucking 14€, pharmacy-grade moisturiser after spending my whole life thinking my skin was so terrible it was unfixable. More recently, after seeing some videos on YouTube, I decided to finally admit that I had curly hair and start wearing it the way it grows out of my head, an I purchased a bunch of stuff to take care of it.

It’s not about the money. I’ve been all right with money for a few years now (although very fearful about it while I was unemployed last year). I think before, I used to have nearly two hours’ commute every day so of course that didn’t help, but more than that, I hated my life so much that a significant chunk of my time was dedicated solely to forgetting. So reading books and watching films was forgetting, but of course, taking good fucking care of myself was not, because it required thinking about my needs, of which there were too many to count.

So I’m in a better place now. Today I even bought some kitchen equipment to replace the things our flatmate is taking with her when she (finally) moves her stuff out. An update on that: there is no update. She found a job in Paris so she’s definitely staying there, but her things (and her cat) are still in the flat, and I’m still paying rent to her mum, who in turn pays the agency. We’re trying not to push her out even though we want to sometimes, not because we don’t like her (we do!) but just because we want to finally make the flat fully ours.

I’m back to my pre-pandemic weight now. Lost three (3) kilos in August. Work is... going. Therapy is... going also. You know how I feel about both of these things. I feel good most days. My days are full. My week-ends are often amazing. When I get into bed at the end of the day I often think how lucky I am. I don’t think I’ll get used to this, not for a long time yet.

[purplesurveys]

1197

survey by ohsh1t2wksl8

Layers

Layer 1: The Basics

Name: Since there’ve been several people who’ve followed me recently anyway, HI I’m Robyn.

Age: 23.

Birthday: April 21st.

Gender: Female.

Zodiac Sign: Taurus.

Layer 2: Your Family

Do you have any brothers or sisters? Yes, I have one of each.

Do you have any pets? Yup, two dogs.

Do you still live with your parents? I do. I’m not in a rush.

Do you have any stepparents? Nope.

How many cousins do you have? 11 first cousins. Throwing my second cousins into the mix would dramatically increase the number and I don’t feel like counting rn.

Layer 3: Your Friends

Who is your best friend? Angela and Andi.

Who have you been friends with the longest? Angela and I have been friends for 16 years and it’s stronger as ever these days because of our mutual love for BTS hehe.

What do you like to do with your friends? It really depends! There’s no one thing I like doing most with any of them; as long as I’m with them I’d consider it time well spent.

Do you have more friends online or in real life? Real life. It’s hard to form friendships online once nearly everyone starts becoming younger than you.

What is a good way to make friends with others? One thing I learned is that you have to be okay to initiate, and that’s not really something I like doing all the time.

Layer 4: Your Home

Do you live in a home, apartment, duplex, trailer, etc? I live in a house.

How many rooms are there in your house? There are 4 bedrooms and 5 other kinds of rooms – that’s 2 bathrooms, the living room, dining room, and kitchen.

Is your home large or small? I’d say it’s medium-sized. It’s not small that I feel cramped or inadequate, but it’s also nowhere near a mansion. It’s very comfortable for a family of 5.

What is your favorite room in your house, and why? Rooftop. My family barely goes there (and what a shame they don’t), so it’s a nice place to go to when I want to be alone but can’t get out of the house. Not to mention that it’s open-air and windy there, so whenever I feel as if I’m getting cooked inside I can always depend on the rooftop.

Do you prefer having people over to your house, or would you rather go to theirs? I’d rather go to theirs. Our house is really deep into the village and is a challenge to get to, especially if you’re unfamiliar with the general area.

Layer 5: Can You

Can you fold your tongue into the taco shape? Yes, but that’s the furthest it can go. I can’t really bend or twist it into shapes more complex than that.

Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? Nah, I lost that ability years ago. I didn’t make the most out of my flexibility back when I still had it.

Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue? I never tried.

Can you hold up your end of a physical fight? I bet I can’t.

Can you do any yo-yo tricks? No, I was always terrible at the yo-yo.

Layer 6: Who

Who inspires you the most, and why? I don’t have any ~inspirations. I do like looking up to whoever my current obsession is – be it Rhett and Link, Paramore, BTS, etc. – to help me be happy and have something to smile at, but I try not to let any of them govern every single aspect of my life.

Who helps you maintain your sanity? My best friends. And these days, surprise surprise! – BTS.

Who do you go to most often for advice? Depends on the topic; I always run to either of my best friends. If I need a collective opinion, I go to my college friend group’s group chat.

Who knows you better than you know yourself? At one point it had been Gabie, but *shrug* Nowadays, the person who knows me best would probably be Andi.

Who is someone that you would die or put your life on the line for, no questions asked? Any of my friends.

Layer 7: Do you

Do you still eat sandwiches without the crusts? Nah - I’ve grown to be a fan of the crusts. I used to make my grandma slice them off as a kid or else I wouldn’t even think of touching the sandwich; then something changed as I got older and now I absolutely have to have the crust. At home, I even call dibs on the first and last pieces of bread (the ones that are all crust) whenever we get a new pack of sliced bread.

Do you typically finish your meal at a restaurant, or need to take a container home? I usually ask for it to be packed up for takeout.

Do you pull an Oreo apart in order to eat it? No, I just bite into it.

Do you read a lot of gossip magazines? As a kid/teenager. I’m over that now.

Do you make friends easily? I’m not the biggest social butterfly, but I’m also not super closed off. I’ll be happy to talk to anyone who approaches me.

Layer 8: How Many?

How many people live in your house with you? Four.

How many pets have you had in your lifetime? In my lifetime...I guess a good rough estimate would be somewhere around 10? I’ll never know exactly how many we’ve had since I never kept track of how many goldfish we kept.

How many tries does it take you to become successful at something? Depends. I never learned how to ride a bike even if I’ve pushed myself to practice ever since I was 5, but there are other things I’m able to pick up easily.

How many meals do you eat a day? One, dinner.

How many people can you honestly tolerate? This isn’t really an issue to me haha, I like being around people and my patience around them is usually long.

Layer 9: How

How do you typically get to school or work? I work from home at the moment and probably would for a little while longer; but if things were different, I would be driving myself.

How do you deal with a breakup? When I was going through mine, I was stupidly stubborn at first and refused any form of help. I deactivated all my social media and shut both my best friends out; it even got to a point where mutual friends were beginning to ask Andi where I’ve been as I’ve “disappeared off the face of the Earth” (an actual quote they relayed to me). I cried day in and day out, cried during my shifts, stayed holed up in my room; and I skipped hundreds of meals, sometimes not eating all day. It wasn’t a good place to be in.

But I knew I was on the right path to recovering the moment I reached out to friends again and acknowledged that I needed help. I started to help myself, too; I cut the person off slowly, and I started to look for new things to get into, new hobbies to invest in. I let my friends give me tough love and show me the reality of my situation, and I listened this time around. I don’t know what drove me to make a sudden change in my life but I’m really glad I came around to the decision, because I’m happier than ever these days.

How do you like to help others? All sorts of ways. I always want to make others’ lives a little easier.

How do you know when you’ve found “the one”? I don’t trust that instinct anymore.

How do you sleep in bed? On my side, clutching a pillow. No pillow to hug, no sleep.

Layer 10: What

What do you think happens when we die? That I just fall asleep for a very long time.

What do you do if there’s no toilet paper left on the roll and you’re already peeing? Turn around and hope there is at least a bidet in the stall.

What do you eat most often? Rice.

What toys did you enjoy most as a child? Anything with a lot of buttons or features to play around with, like detailed dollhouses.

What do you do if you witness someone being awful to someone else? Intervene, for the most part.

Layer 11: Where

Where is your favorite place to eat out? BGC has great ambience and restaurant choices, but it’s been a while since I’ve been there. I also still feel weird about the place since Gabie and I had dates there pretty often, sooooo I really ought to make new memories there with new people once I can.

Where is the place that has the best ice cream in your area? We don’t really have places known for ice cream...most people just buy pints or tubs of them at the grocery lol.

Where did you meet your current or last significant other? School.

Where can you be found at 7 PM. typically? Wrapping up work in my room.

Where can you find the best French fries? Potato Corner.

Layer 12: When

When did you find out the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy? Never believed in the first two. Tooth Fairy I lost hope in when I placed a tooth under my pillow when I was around 6 or 7 and woke up to nothing.

When do you typically fall asleep? Early hours of the morning tbh. I’d sleep anywhere between 1-4 AM these days.

When was the last time that someone paid you a compliment? Kata and I often make sure to compliment one another for our hard work by the end of particularly grueling shifts.

When do you feel most comfortable? Friday nights when I’m sure I can finally close my work group chats for the next two days.

When did you last go to the bathroom? Around an hour or so ago.

Layer 13: Why

Why do you enjoy taking surveys so much? It’s a stress reliever that has never failed me, and it lets me answers quirky random questions no one would ever have to ask me.

Why do people gossip so much? For one, probably the thrill of knowing something that's meant to be a thing.

Why can’t humans fly? It wouldn’t have been a necessity, I’m guessing.

Why aren’t you doing something else right now? Because I just spent the last 24 hours streaming Butter on Spotify and YouTube to raise views and plays for the boys, and taking this survey is actually the first thing I’ve done all day after taking a quick nap this afternoon to recover from all the streaming I did hahaha.

Why is the sky blue? I don’t know.

Layer 14: If…

If you had a million dollars, what would you spend it on? Buy chocolate chips because I’m craving them rn; get all BTS merch in one go; give a chunk to my parents; keep the rest.

If you found out someone was cheating on you, would you ever take them back? I don’t really have consistency when it comes to this situation. I know I definitely would’ve been stupid enough to stay with Gab if she hypothetically cheated on me while we were still together; I’m not sure if I’d stay when it comes to another person entirely.

If you found a wallet with cash in the street, including identification, would you turn it in? Why or why not? Yeah, I’d look for the owner. I’m not that desperate for money, personally.

If you could have any food right now, what would you like?   SUSHI.

If you found out that the world was going to end tomorrow, how would you spend your last day? Go to the mall and get some much-needed air, then probably drop off some japchae and tteokbokki at Angela’s place.

Layer 15: Firsts

When did you lose your first tooth? I was in Prep and it actually fell out while I was in school. We were having storytime and I had to interrupt the session to tell my teacher it was starting to feel loose, so she got me some tissues to help me get it out.

Who was your first teacher that you ever had? Her name was Kathy. I don’t really have any substantial memories of her because I was 4 lmao, but I know she was nice.

When did you first learn how to ride a bike? ...Still learning...

When was the first time you had sex? Like a day or two after turning 18.

Did your first birthday have a theme to it? Not necessarily but my parents threw me a party at Jollibee, so it kinda had to be Jollibee-themed lol.

Layer 16: Lasts

Last person you texted: I don’t feel like checking because it was most definitely a work-related text and I don’t want to be reminded of work on a Sunday, but it was a media person. 

Last drink you sipped: The last of my coffee.

Last time you rode a bike: Like, March last year when the pandemic had still been fresh and I thought I could use all the free time to finally learn how to ride a bike. Absolute clownery.

Last time you swam in a pool: August 2019.

Last person you hugged: Not sure. Angela, I think.

Layer 17: Favorites

Favorite Color: I think pastel pink is still taking the lead for me.

Favorite Season: We don’t have the usual four seasons, but I do have a liking for winter. It just seems very cozy for me.

Favorite Shape: I don’t have one.

Favorite Letter: Mmmmm, don’t really have one of these either.

Favorite Number: 4 or 7.

Layer 18: This or That

Pepsi or Coke? I don’t drink softdrinks.

Movies or Television? Movies, but I haven’t really been watching much of either recently.

Phone or Tablet? Phone. Haven’t used a tablet in yearrrrrsssssss.

Fruits or Vegetables? Veggies. Hate fruits.

Animals or Humans? I think I like both an equal amount.

Layer 19: Which

Which Poke’mon is your favorite? Chikorita.

Which day of the week is your favorite? Friday, because of course.

Which birthday celebration was the most memorable for you? My 18th, even though out of all the friends I celebrated my birthday with I only have one of them left in my life. I know I was happy during that time so I wouldn’t invalidate that experience for myself.

Which holiday is your favorite? Christmas, only for the sheer amount of food I get to have.

Which shoe do you put on first? I always switch it up, I’m pretty sure. I don’t have a particular habit.

Layer 20: Love Life/Relationships

What is the name of your first love? Gabie.

How many times can you honestly say you’ve been in love? Once.

Have you ever been in a relationship before that was abusive in any way? After being able to take a step back and analyzing it deeper, yes.

Have you ever been engaged or married before? Nope.

Do you have any children? I don’t.

Layer 21: Jobs, Dreams, & Goals

What did you want to be when you grew up (as a little kid)? I couldn’t decide among being an astronaut, firefighter, or veterinarian.

What do you aspire to be now? What interests you? I realized I wanted to be in the field of media and public relations, and that’s where I am now. I like being able to use my writing skills for something I find fun and fulfilling, instead of rotting away in a newsroom writing news I’m usually too sensitive for.

What is the most recent goal you’ve achieved? I got regularized! :)

What is a goal you are still striving to reach? A salary increase would be nice, and then a promotion down the road would also be awesome.

Have you ever won any sort of awards before? If so, for what? Sure. I was consistently on the honor roll in college and graduated with Latin honors, if those count as awards.

Layer 22: Opinions & Beliefs

Pro-life or pro-choice? Pro-choice.

Were you raised with any sort of religious background? If so, then what? Yesss, I was and am raised in a Catholic household. Weirdly enough my parents have grown more laidback in the last few years and my mom no longer berates us for not doing the sign of the cross when we pray before eating (my siblings have taken after me and refuse to do it as well). No idea what sparked that change but I’m just glad I never have to do gestures like that one anymore.

Democrat, Republican, or Independent? We don’t have the same parties here.

For or against the death penalty? This is a very complicated web and for reasons largely relevant to my country and the issues we have, I am mostly against it.

Thoughts on assisted suicide? I am ok with it as long as there is consent involved. 

Layer 23: Currently/Today/Present

What day is it? It’s Sunday again, blegh.

What’s the weather like outside? Sunny.

What have you eaten? Just a Fudgee Bar so far but I’m having breakfast with my family in an hour or so.

Did you run any errands? Well it’s only 8:37 AM so not yet, but one or two might come up throughout the day.

What time is it? 8:38 now.

Layer 24: Yesterday

Did you have a work shift? No, I don’t work Saturdays.

Did you eat out anywhere? No :( I’ve wanted to for a while, though. Maybe I might today, actually – they’ve loosened up quarantine protocols so restaurants have opened up again. Let’s see if I’ll feel like driving today.

Was it snowing? It doesn’t snow here.

Who did you last say goodnight to? Cooper.

Did anything unusual happen? It rained and there was cold breeze during the evening.

Layer 25: Tomorrow

Do you have to go to school/class? No, but I do have to go to work.

Does this day have any sort of significance to you? May 24...I don’t think so. Nothing comes to mind.

What is a chore that needs to get done? My veeeeeeery long list of to-do tasks that I’m trying not to think about rn.

Will you hang out with friends? No chance of that happening.

What time will you be expected to be awake by? 9 AM.

Layer 26: Have You Ever

Performed a magic trick successfully? I don’t think so.

Sat or laid on a rooftop and looked at the stars? I’m at the rooftop all the time but I only occasionally lie down to look at the stars.

Walked around with your underwear on inside out or backwards all day without realizing it? Nope.

Touched a snake? Yep. I’ve had one wrapped around me before, too.

Been bitten by an animal? If so, what animal? Just by ants and mosquitoes.

Layer 27: School Life

Are preschool and kindergarten mandatory where you live? Not sure about mandatory but I’m pretty sure I’ve heard of people who went straight to first grade as kids, either because of advanced intelligence or financial limitations.

Were you or anyone you knew homeschooled? I have one set of cousins who are all homeschooled; and I also used to have classmates who eventually transferred out of my school to be homeschooled instead.

Did you attend public or private school? Private.

Were you bullied in school, popular, or somewhere in-between? I was a loner for the most part, but after befriending the popular groups in high school I kind of got dragged into that scene as well.

What is the highest level of education that you completed? Undergraduate degree.

Layer 28: Your Appearance

Eye Color: Dark brown/black.

Hair Color: Black.

Height: 5′1″.

Weight: A little under 100 lbs.

Do you have freckles, moles, beauty marks, or birthmarks - and where? I have moles on my right arm, under my jaw, near my left knee, and under my left boob. I have a birthmark behind my left shoulder.

Layer 29: Electronics, Internet, & Social Media

How much time do you spend on the internet per day? Hahahah yeesh, way to put me on the spot. I wanna say anywhere between 16-18 hours? I’m online the second I wake up until the moment I turn in for bed.

Which social media platforms do you belong to? Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Tumblr.

When’s the last time you replaced the batteries in your television remote? 4975493875495743 years ago.

Are you more likely to stream movies and shows on your laptop, or cast them to your television? Laptop.

Do you have an e-reader, or do you prefer actual books? I don’t read regularly anymore, but I’ve never liked reading from a screen. I prefer a physical book as much as possible.

Layer 30: Are You

Are you still in school? No. I’m not opposed to grad school either, but it has to be a REALLY REALLY REALLY fucking great opportunity for me to sink my teeth into it. We’re talking getting accepted to grad school in like Spain or NYU; otherwise I wouldn’t take it.

Are you a member of the LGBTQ+ community? Yes.

Are you looking forward to anything coming soon? Festa month!

Are you dreading anything coming soon? Work tomorrow.

Are you gullible or naive? I can be both.

Layer 31: Does

Does your workplace make you feel like you can never take a day off without feeling guilty about it? Not at all. I’m really grateful they take vacation leaves seriously; we even have a Mental Health Break Day scheduled two Fridays from now. Purely a company thing.

Does someone currently hold the key to your heart? Kim Taehyung... :/

Does anyone out there hate you? Idk and I couldn’t give less of a shit if anyone does.

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? No.

Does crying make you feel less strong? Nope. It took me a while to realize it, but acknowledging feelings and processing them is actually one of the strongest things you can do for yourself. 

Layer 32: Would You

Do the Polar Bear Plunge? Idk what that is.

Ever try to walk across a room blindfolded? I’ve done it before, so sure.

Swim with sharks? As long as I’m surrounded with experts, yes.

Go into outer space, given the chance? In a heartbeat.

Go out in public, looking how you do right now? Nope.

Layer 33: Pets/Animals

Do you have any pets? If so, what type, and their names… Yesss. There’s Kimi who’s an aspin, and Cooper the beagle.

If not, what type of pet have you always wanted?

What is your favorite animal? Dogs and elephants :)

Do you think it is cruel to have circus animals? Yes, or having animals do tricks for show, in general. I always discourage my parents from booking tickets to animal theme parks when we plan vacations.

How often do you walk your dog, if you have one? How often do you scoop the litterbox, if you have a cat? Every week.

Layer 34: Food

What is your favorite breakfast item? Fried rice.

What is your favorite kind of dessert? Macarons and cheescake.

Do you eat all three meals everyday? Nah. I have one meal on weekdays, and two meals on some weekends.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without food? Around 24 hours.

What do you like to eat when you are feeling sick? Greasy things haha. If I’m feeling like death, might as well be having good food.

Layer 35: Past

Does your past ever come back to haunt you at times? Not really.

What is one of your favorite memories of the past? Spending my college years with the right people.

What is something that you used to do in the past, but no longer do? Harm myself.

If you could have a meal with someone from the past, who would it be, and what would you ask them? Audrey Hepburn, but I don’t really have a question for her. It would just be nice to get to spend a few minutes with her.

Which historical time period would you like to go back to and check out? Precolonial Philippines.

Layer 36: Future

Do you think you will ever get married one day? It’s definitely a lovely scenario to have but I’m really unsure about it at the moment just because there’s no one I have in mind and I have no plans to start dating around again soon.

Do you plan on ever getting a different job in the future, or are you happy with the one you’ve got? I’m happy with the one I have and I don’t see it changing any time soon.

What age do you plan to retire at? Or do you plan on working til you’re dead? Probably the latter haha.

What is something on your bucket list worth mentioning? Going to Wrestlemania.

If given the opportunity to see how your future plays out, would you take it, or no? Yes.

Layer 37: Hygiene

How often do you shower? Once daily. Twice if it’s stupidly hot during the day.

How often do you brush your teeth? Once or twice a day.

Do you actually iron any of your clothes? Mm, not really. But if I was planning on wear something that gets easily crumpled, I iron that in advance.

How often do you do laundry? I’m not in charge of laundry.

How long do you use a bath towel before switching it out? Around 1–2 weeks.

Layer 38: Clothing, Makeup, & Style

Do you wear nail polish? If so, how often do you paint your nails? Nah.

How would your describe your sense of style? I like sticking with trends as long as I feel comfortable in them.

Are there any popular trends that you do not find appealing? Just makeup in general.

Where do you typically buy your clothing from? Local small businesses or H&M. 

What sorts of accessories do you wear/use? I don’t really invest in them, but I wanna start buying more headbands, bucket hats, and earrings.

Layer 39: Hobbies

Do you still color, even as an adult? Occasionally.

Do you/would you like to crochet, knit, cross-stitch, etc? Yeaaah I do embroidery but I’ve stopped for a while since finding other interests and hobbies to dabble in. I have no plans to ditch it completely though; I’ll come back to it when the time is right.

What’s the last thing you crafted all by yourself? Not sure.

Do you use Pinterest at all? Nope.

What’s the last thing that you cooked or baked? Lol.

Layer 40: Dislikes

List some of your pet peeves here. Driving slowly on lanes intended for overtaking; taking too much of my food; being subtle about asking for favors.

What are some things that annoy you about yourself? Easily punishing myself for mistakes, no matter how small; I also find that putting others first before myself 100% of the time can sometimes end up being an inconvenience for myself.

Is there anyone out there who you actually hate? Who? Nope.

What is a feeling that you dislike? “I should have done/said this.” Not sure what feeling this falls under (maybe helplessness?), but having these thoughts irritate me to no end especially if I can’t do anything about the situation.

Do you get some ugly road rage while driving? Yep.

Layer 41: Random

Have you ever successfully pogo’ed on a pogo stick? Nah, I’ve never even seen one in real life. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always been dying to try getting on one lol. 

Have you ever mastered the jump rope? I wouldn’t say I’m a master, but I can do the basic jumps and last a long time doing them.

Do you know what it feels like to be truly happy? I don’t know if I’ve determined this already; I have a lot of years ahead of me and lots of experiences I’ve yet to go through.

Is it winter in your part of the world right now? No.

What’s your favorite type of survey, and why? Random ones or ones with categories, like this one.

Layer 42: Music

What are some of your favorite genres of music? Alternative, folk indie, punk rock, R&B...and BTS.

What are some music genres that you can’t stand? Country, screamo, techno.

If you had a blank pair of concert tickets, who would you hope to be going to see? Any one of my holy trinity: Paramore, Beyoncé, or BTS.

Do you still listen to music on the radio from time to time? Not anymore, come to think of it. I’m completely unaware of the Top 40 space right now, and have been for a while.

iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, Amazon Music, or YouTube? Spotify.

Layer 43: Books

What were some of your favorite books as a child? The Septimus Heap series and the Percy Jackson series.

What genre of books do you typically read most often? Memoirs.

What are some of your favorite books as an adult? I don’t read anymore.

What is a book that you were required to read for school that you actually enjoyed? Hands down, Without Seeing the Dawn. I remember fairly enjoying Charlotte’s Web and Number the Stars as well.

Do you read any newspapers or magazines anymore? No.

Layer 43: Around the World

Where’s the best place you’ve taken a vacation and/or day trip to? Jeju, South Korea; Bali, Indonesia; Palawan; Batanes; and Boracay.

Where is somewhere that you’d like to go someday, assuming you have the funds to do so? Seoul, South Korea.

Where do your family members originate from? Just Philippines.

What is your favorite type of ethnic cuisine? All Asian cuisines. Each of them is so unique and always has something new to discover.

What is something that is typically representative of your own culture? Jollibee? Hahaha.

Layer 44: Would you Rather…

Drink apple juice or grape juice? Apple.

Wear pants or shorts? Shorts, as much as possible.

Be taller or shorter? Taller.

Go to a zoo or an aquarium? Neither if possible.

Visit an art gallery or a museum? Museum.

Layer 45: Movies

Do you remember what the first movie was that you saw in theaters? Stuart Little 2 when I was 4.

What are some of your favorite movies you’ve seen? Two for the Road, Gone with the Wind, Roman Holiday, Revolutionary Road, Toy Story, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and Room.

What genre of movie do you typically enjoy? Drama.

What is a movie you’ve seen that you weren’t expecting to like, but were pleasantly surprised? Requiem For A Dream, but maybe remove ‘pleasantly.’ Anomalisa is also a good answer for this.

How many movies do you own? Are they all DVD’s, or do you still have some VHS ones left? I just watch them on Netflix, haha.

Layer 46: Personality

Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? I’m really more of an ambivert than anything else. I can deal with alone time and more social days equally well.

Are you more easygoing and laid back, or anal? Again, I can be both depending on the situation.

Are you kind to everyone who shows that they deserve kindness? Yes.

Describe your sense of humor. I can laugh over anything from dad jokes to crackhead memes.

Do you tend to over-share? Not really. I tend to have a good sense of how much I should share depending on the person/group I’m with.

Layer 47: Celebrities

Which celebrity has given their child the most unique name, in your opinion? I mean, Elon Musk and Grimes have to be up there, right? The Kardashians have also given their kids unique names, but I actually am a fan of them all.

Are there any celebrities that you keep tabs on/read articles about often? Nah, I’m past that part of my life lol. As obsessed as I am with BTS and as unavoidable rumors about their personal life are, I literally don’t care and just want them to have happy private lives. That’s one of the reasons why I know I’m truly in my 20s now hahaha.

Who is/are your celebrity crush(es)? Kim Taehyung, Hayley Williams, Kristen Stewart.

Have you ever personally met someone famous before? If so, then who? A lot of local celebrities and personalities since it came with the nature of my course.

Who is a celebrity that you’re getting tired of hearing about all the time? Ariana Grande and Taylor Swift.

Layer 48: Emotions

When was the last time you cried? Earlier, but they were happy tears.

What are some things that you’re afraid of? Big change, injections, drowning, sharp objects.

What is something small that makes you happy? Cold weather.

Who is the last person that you were angry with, and about what? My mom wrongfully blaming me for something I had very little to do with. Both my siblings are very sensitive and are never scolded, so I usually take the heat even for things I’m barely involved in. Such is the life of the eldest daughter in an Asian household, lmao.

Are you typically a shy or outgoing person? I’m always shy at first, but end up being perky and outgoing once warmed up.

Layer 49: Digging Deeper

What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Mixed drinks.

How old were you when you got drunk for the first time? 18.

Do you smoke? Very rarely. I don’t want to make it a habit.

Have you ever taken and sent naked pictures of yourself? I have.

Have you ever done any drugs other than marijuana? If so, which ones? No.

Layer 50: Games

What are some of your favorite video games? Mario Kart, Resident Evil, and Legend of Zelda are some of my favorite series.

Do you have any computer games that you play regularly? I don’t play computer games.

What was your favorite board game, growing up? Scrabble.

How about your favorite card game? I also don’t play card games.

How good are you at solving puzzles? (such as a Rubik’s cube, word puzzles, or putting together a jigsaw puzzle) I don’t like puzzles.

[meigh-day]

Breathing Lilies (Tendou x Reader) - Part 9

Well this is it, Part 9 - the end. This is the first story I’ve completed in a long time but it’s inspired me to tackle some of the other fanfics (BNHA and Haikyuu) I am in the middle of so if you enjoyed this even a little bit, keep an eye open for some more. 

————————————————————————-

Title: Breathing Lilies

Characters: Tendou/Ushijima/OC Students/F!Reader

Includes: Hanahaki Disease, Angst, Fluff

Status: Complete

Word Count: 2.1k

Previous

————————————————————————-

Tendou spent every spare moment he had with you. With each visit he'd bring you little gifts here and there, a drink he knew you liked or maybe your favorite snack, he even left you one of his hoodies to keep you company when he couldn't be there. It was kind of sweet how attentive he was being. He had always been an incredibly thoughtful friend, but something seemed different not, it seemed more intense. Not in a bad way or anything, it was like his one and only focus was you. The friendly touched you had grown used to over the years suddenly felt more intimate. He hadn't tried to tell you how he felt again. Tendou had gone home that night and really thought about what to do, eventually deciding it would take more than words to prove to you he meant it.

During your afternoon checkup, the doctor remarked how strange the illness was behaving. Not the most reassuring of phrases but the way he said it made it sound harmless.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's almost seems like it's on hold."

"I'm not following."

"Normally the disease progresses one way or the other, it doesn't just stop, but since you came too there haven't been any changes." The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment, there wasn't an explanation that he could base in facts but he did have a theory.

"You said he told you he loved you, right?"

"Well, he tried. I stopped him."

"Why?"

"..." Why did you stop him? Why had it been so unbelievable to you that he might actually feel the same despite what had happened? Why indeed.

"I didn't want him to say something he didn't mean just because I was hurting."

"Do you think this boy is that kind of person?"

You didn't even have to think about it. Not one, in all the time you'd known him, had Tendou lied to you. Not when it was important. As mischievous as he was, he wouldn't say something that held such a significant weight to it and not mean it.

"No."

"Hmm." The doctor paused, his finger tapping against his chin as he thought. "So, it sounds to me like you are the one holding onto your feelings now. I can only hypothesis but, maybe, because you are conflicted about the legitimacy of his feeling, you have put the disease into a sort of limbo. If that's the case then I would assume, once you've made up your mind, we will see some progress one way or the other."

Could it be true? If Tendou really did mean what he tried to say to you that day, well, then you were a complete jackass. He had tried to pour out his heart to you and instead of at least hearing him out, you wouldn't even hear him out. Yet he came here day after day to spend his free time with you, to show you how he felt when he knew words wouldn't be enough to reach you. You felt like such a fool. Tears began to drip down your chin as shame consumed you. After what you have been through, the heartache you had felt, how could you be so quick to reject what he had to say as false?

"Y/N?! What happened?? Are you in pain? I'll go get a doctor!!"

Tendou had entered your room, ready to share snacks and help you catch up on the piles of school work you were missing, but that was all forgotten when he saw the tears streaming down your cheeks. Going by your expression, you seemed to be in pain, and you were, but it wasn't physical.

"Wait, please don't go!" You lurch up and off the bed, one hand outstretched towards him. He turns back towards you in time to see you wobble and is at your side in an instant, helping support you and easing you back onto the bed.

"What's wrong?" He murmured gently as her perched himself on the edge of the bed, concern written all over his face.

"Oh Tori..I'm such an idiot." You press your face into the palms of your hands, trying to hide the tears that just wouldn't stop, ashamed of how thoughtless you had been with his feelings.

"Hey hey, no you aren't." Tendou shifts around, moving further onto the bed so he can face you. He wraps you in his arms, pulling you into his chest. "What's got you so upset beautiful?" His chin comes to rest gently against the top of your head, cradling the back of your head in one of this large hands while the other rubs gentle, comforting, circles up and down your spine.

"Satori..." Your voice comes out muffled, your face buried into the fabric of his sweatshirt.

"Hm?" He hummed and you could feel the vibration in his chest.

You don't answer immediately, fingers nervously toying with the string of his hoodie while you put your thoughts together. What you were going to say was important, so you wanted to make sure you were composed.

"I'm so ashamed of the way I treated you the other day. When you tried to tell me how you felt..I was so scared..."

"You don't have anything to apologize for Y/N. There's no reason to push yourself, I understand." You couldn't see his face right now, but you were sure if you looked up right now, he'd have the saddest smile on his face.

"You've always been honest with me Tori so..." You pause, leaning back just enough so you can look at him. "If you're up for it.... I'd really like to hear what you were going to say."

His eyes widen at your request. "Are you sure? There's really no rush. I promise, I'm not going to change my mind." So sincere, so sweet. How could someone as good as him possibly be yours?

"I'm ready." You smile up at him, feeling yourself tearing up again but for a completely different reason now.

With a shaky breath and a racing heart, placing a hand on either side of your face as he collects himself.

"Y/N, " As your name fell from his lips, you couldn't help but think that it had never sounded sweeter.

"I'm in love with you." The words almost sounded like a vow coming from him, and in a way they were. Tears spilled down your cheeks once more, the biggest smile on your lips. Tendou felt a weigh lift from him as he gazes down at you with a look full of adoration.

For the first time in many weeks, you felt like you could breathe.

.

..

...

..

.

-Epilogue-

"Are we still on for movies tonight?" Wakatoshi glances up, his gaze pausing on Tendou's before settling on you.

"No. I have a prior engagement I must attend to. Sorry for the sudden notice." He gathers his things, offers you a small bow of apology and leaves.

"Huh...weird." You blink a few times, perplexed, but turn your attention to your boyfriend as he popped a chunk of egg into his mouth. Wait..egg?

"HEY! You lunch thief!" You push your bento off to the side and out of his reach.

"Sorry, it just tastes so good I can't help myself." He gives you a big cheesy grin.

"If I make you your own will you stop pilfering my lunch?"

"You...you'd do that for me?"

"Well..yea." The way he was acting, you'd think you'd just offered to make him a five course meal or something. "I could make you a whole bento if you want." His mouth rounds in surprise, his eyes lighting up with joy.

"You are so good to me! I don't deserve you." He presses a kiss into your temple and pulls you into his side.

"So what kind of things can I get in this bento?"

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Don't you think Wakatoshi was kinda weird earlier?" You muse aloud, fixing your gaze on Satori who stood several feet away with his back to you.

"No, not really." He shrugged and turned to you with a smile. It was a lie, he knew it was a lie. Ushijima was the worst liar but he'd given it his best shot. The two of you hadn't really had much time alone since you'd been released and he really wanted you all to himself. To accomplish this, he'd asked his friend to make something up and was surprised when he'd so readily agreed. Wakatoshi just wanted to see his two friends happy, especially after the things they had recently gone through, so when the opportunity presented itself to be of some assistance, he was happy to accept.

"If you say so..."

This was going to be your first movie since being released from the hospital and you had anticipated it being the three of you as always but that was not to be. You tossed a few blankets and pillows haphazardly on your bed so you could make a comfy little nest to watch movies in. You were about to start to arrange them when Tendou appeared at your side.

"Do you want to help me mov--" Your question was forgotten as he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into him for a hug. The two of you stood there quietly for a few moments, content to be in each others arms. Tendou was the first one to pull away but only enough so he could look down at you. He caressed your cheek with his thumb, sliding along your jaw and lingering near your lips.

The mood suddenly shifted.

You felt your face grow hot under his gaze and open your mouth to say something but find yourself speechless.

"Would it be ok..." He murmured as he gently brushed his thumb across your bottom lip. "..if I kissed you right now?"

How did he manage to look so sweet and so hot all at once?

You parted your lips to try and speak but only managed a nod before his lips were pressed against yours. Your arms wrap around his neck, fingers sliding up the nape of his neck and into his hair as you press up against him. He shudders at the feeling, a low moan in his throat. His tongue licked across your bottom lip begging for entrance, you lips eagerly part for him, your head tilting back to deepen the kiss. He fists a hand into your hair while his other one presses into your lower back, holding you firmly again him.

As the two of you part, you feel breathless in the most delicious way.

"I think you look even prettier like this." He smirks down at you, taking in the flush on your cheeks and the pink of your kiss-swollen lips. You feel yourself grow shy at his praise but you keep your gaze fixed on him.

"In fact," His smirk turns wicked as he bends, scooping you up into his arms. "I'd like to kiss you again."

"Right now?" You grip onto his shoulders, legs wrapped around his waist, his hands gripping onto the underside of your thighs.

"Right now. Maybe, even all night." Your arms wrap around his neck, lightly trailing the pads of your fingers along the nape.

"Don't threaten me with a good time Tori..."

He let out a low chuckle, turning and moving towards the bed. "It's not a threat, beautiful. It's a promise." Movie night would need to be postponed, it didn't look like there would be any movie-watching happening this evening.

"I'd also like to kiss you tomorrow and everyday after that. As long as you don't mind that is."

"I don't mind, but there is a catch."

Tendou eyed you suspiciously, his steps coming to a stop. "I'm listening."

"Well, you see, I only want you to kiss me when you are in love with me."

"Hm," He looked at you thoughtfully before dropping you down onto the mattress. "Well that kinda creates a bit of a problem babe." You look up at him, confused.

"Problem?"

"How am I going to break it to the team that I can't play anymore?"

"What? Why not?"

"Well, you see," He presses his knee into the mattress, leaning forward until he was hovering over you. "I'm in love with you every minute of the day. So, it looks like I'll be spending all my free time kissing you. "

You groan, and roll your eyes. "Not funny, I thought you were serious."

Tendou leaned down, his lips stopping just a breath away from yours.

"I am serious. I'm in love with you and I am very happy to spend each and every minute of my days being in love with you. AND if that happens to mean I get to spend my entire day with my lips on yours, then so be it." He smiles down at you before sealing your lips in a kiss.

[sidesandsanders]

Hey could you maybe write some aftercare with the sides? Also your blog is amazing 💜

Thank you! This took me forever to write, I hope y’all like it!

Roman:

- Roman’s number one priority is making you feel loved. What’s the point of sex without love?

- He’ll mumble poetry into your ear. Some memorized, some free form, some English, some Spanish. Prepare for a couple hundred sweet nothings, in the most gentle voice you’ve ever heard.

- Massages. If he even so much as thinks you’re sore, his immediate response is to remedy it. He’s really good at them too, just a few seconds in and you’re melting into his hands.

Logan:

- He’s prepared. He’s got water and snacks and, depending on what your session involved, painkillers and first aid supplies. If you’re not too tired, he’s the type to carry you to the bathtub to clean off before bed.

- He cuddles you, but he doesn’t exactly understand why he feels the urge to do so. It ends up being just you using him as a pillow while he spends the night trying to figure out where his hands are supposed to be.

- If you’re sore, he read a medical textbook on muscles a while ago and knows how to massage them back into place.

Patton:

- Tbh his brand of sex doesn’t really need aftercare, in fact you could compare his entire sexual routine to aftercare. He doesn’t fuck hard, he’s delicate and sweet through the whole thing, and sessions with him always feel like cooldown periods anyway.

- That being said he still worries, he still frets, he still asks you if you want anything a million times once everything’s over.

- Even if you refuse and say you’re happy, there’s nothing wrong, it’s ok, Patton still doesn’t let up until you at least drink some water.

Virgil:

- Like Patton, Virgil’s style of sex doesn’t really need aftercare. But where Patton’s is because he’s careful and gentle, Virgil’s is because he’s laid back about it. There’s not a lot of harsh movement at all tbh, it’s always slow and sweet.

- His idea of aftercare is just hugs and a nap. He’ll let you cuddle up to him, or he might try to spoon you if he’s particularly daring that day, and then just tries to sleep.

- He extends the cuddles to the next morning too, “You’re already here, why not just stay under the covers where it’s cozy and safe?”

Deceit:

- Gentle manhandling, he picks you up and carries you around a lot. Six arms makes things easier, he can hold onto you with two and fix the sheets, or fix your wounds (bite marks) with the other four.

- He tends to get really quiet in these moments. He won’t talk unless you ask him something, and even then it’s short answers.

- He likes to pull you close to him. He’s cold-blooded, and things like this take a lot out of him, so he instinctively saps your body heat as a way to get back to normal.

Remus:

- Listen, if you’ve slept with this man you’re both gonna be bruised and scraped and covered in blood, cum, sweat, and tears. Dealing with it afterwards takes up a good chunk of time, so maybe don’t fuck Remus unless you’ve got a day or two afterwards cleared.

- Despite that, he’s actually pretty good at taking care of the both of you. He’s had to handle his own impulse wounds for years, patching up nail marks on your back is no big deal.

- He spends the whole time super affectionate. You are not going to be spending any significant amount of time without him either cuddling or kissing you.

[that-70s-page]

Dear Friend | Part 2

Pairing: 70s!Roger Taylor x Reader

Summary: The mutual pinings of best friends.

Words: ~2.4k

Warnings: Swearing, not much else, this chapter is pretty tame ;)

A/N: Here’s the second part! I finished a lot faster than I thought I would, so enjoy! I might not be as fast in the coming weeks since school starts soon :(

You wake up tangled in your sheets, feeling trapped and hot. You have a splitting headache, but thankfully don't feel too nauseous after last night’s drinking. You untangle yourself from your bed with a significant struggle, and fight to get your arms through an old The Who t-shirt of Roger’s that he had left in your room when he had borrowed your shower, claiming that ‘yours is cleaner and you hog all of the warm water.’

You step into the kitchen, yawning as you pull your tangled hair into a low, messy bun. The small hairs at the base of your neck tickle as you comb your fingers through it, and you glance over the countertop at the couch to see if Roger has gotten up yet.

            He is still lying on the couch, deep asleep, with one arm flung across his chest and the other dangling off the side of the cushions. His hair is a mess; long golden strands covering his face, and the shorter tufts sticking up from the top of his head. He reminds you of a sleeping puppy, and you suppress a laugh, not wanting to wake him.

You pull out a bottle of Advil that is beginning to get dangerously low due to the band’s constant partying and shake out the remaining pills. You pop two of them into your mouth and swallow them with a sip of last night’s tea, which is now cold and bitter. You scrunch your nose up at the taste and tiptoe to Roger’s side, setting the last two painkillers next to his still full mug. You take the mug back into the kitchen and stick it into the ancient microwave you had picked up from a garage sale. You wince as it lets out a loud beep when you press start, hoping you haven't woken Roger up. The last thing you need to start your morning is a grumpy, hungover Roger Taylor. The microwave makes a broken whirring noise, and you watch the mug spin slowly inside of the box, becoming lost in thought.

Your memory of last night’s events is blurred from the alcohol, but you can distinctly remember your conversation with Thomas, and you wonder if he is the kind of guy who calls after one day. You can also remember quite clearly Roger’s odd behavior, and you wonder why he was being so hostile towards Thomas. You blame it partly on the amount of alcohol he had consumed, but you conclude that it was also because he is still worried about you dating someone after your last relationship, and he didn't want to see you get hurt again. 

Things with Lucas hadn't ended well, and it had taken a lot of time for you to heal after you broke up. Roger was the shoulder you cried on, he was there for you when you were convinced that no one would ever love you, and he made sure you knew that everything would be ok, because he loved you, and best friends were better than boyfriends. You were immensely grateful, and you definitely wouldn't have gotten through it without him. 

You still have trust issues after what happened, and you are very reluctant to start another serious relationship, but Thomas was sweet, and one date couldn’t hurt. That’s what you want Roger to understand. He has always been like a protective older brother to you, even though your birthday is three months before his. Sometimes you wish he would see you in a different light, rather than just being his best friend. You could never admit it to him, but you had liked him since you were 12, and that schoolgirl crush had turned into a much stronger feeling as the years passed. You had dated Lucas in an attempt to get over your feelings for your best friend, but that had only ended in heartbreak, and you were back to square one. 

Loving someone is painful, especially when you love them in multiple ways. Roger is your best friend, so you love him like a family member, and you have for most of your life, ever since you met in the third grade. That platonic love is a constant in your life; it is a calm pool of cool water, always available and always refreshing. But you are also in love with him, which is the part that hurts, the part you don’t want to admit, because you know that nothing good will come of it. That love is like fire; it burns your heart and leaves scorch marks across your body wherever he touches you. You know that he will never feel the same way, and he will never be able to settle down and live the domestic life you dream of. 

He is too busy with Queen, which is becoming more and more popular every day, and he is too obsessed with the chase. He gets bored easily, and moves from one girl to the next, never staying long enough to build a meaningful relationship. With each new girl he brings home, you are left with another chunk of your heart ripped from your chest, and each time she leaves, you silently pray that she will be the last; that he will finally realize who he is meant to be with and you can call yourself his girl. 

But Roger doesn’t have that unmistakable fire in him. Roger doesn’t share your longing for the deeper, romantic side of a relationship. He loves having short flings with women who are much more beautiful than you, and has sex rather than makes love.

You know that you could never be more, and that’s why you gave Thomas your number. You have already let your feelings for Roger become too strong, and you have to douse them in order to protect your still healing heart. You don't believe in soulmates, but if you did, you knew that Roger was yours. He was supposed to be the one. Despite all of that, you can’t risk losing your friendship over a silly love confession. He means too much to you, and even if you can’t be with him in that sense, you need him as your best friend.

A small cough sounds behind you and you jump, spinning around to look at a sleepy Roger leaning against the counter. You put a hand over your heart and make a face at him, “don't sneak up on me like that! I could have had a heart attack and died. How would you have liked that?” you say, pulling his tea out of the microwave that had been beeping for about two minutes.

“Wouldn't have liked that at all. Who would make my tea with you gone?” he replies, his voice husky from sleep.

You scoff in return and hand him his steaming mug, heart still going a mile a minute. You are so glad that he can't read minds, because he had snuck up on you during some of your most intimate and personal thoughts. Fuck, you thought, turning away from the drummer. How am I supposed to act calm and collected all the fucking time when he looks like that? 

Roger had taken off his button up from last night and was now standing in the kitchen wearing only his jeans. You had seen him like this many times obviously, after most shows and almost every morning, but it never fails to fluster you. You can practically feel his smirk burning into your back as you busy yourself with making toast for the both of you, and you turn around to cock an eyebrow at him.

“What?” you ask with an innocent smile, knowing full well why he is acting so cocky.

“That’s my shirt, love.”

“Yes Rog, how observant of you,” you roll your eyes, turning back to the toaster.

“I don't remember giving it to you, in fact, it’s one of my favorites,” he replies, coming closer to you and leaning over your shoulder to look at your face.

“Well, you left it in my room, so I adopted it after you abandoned it so heartlessly. That wasn't a very nice thing to do to your ‘favorite shirt’,” you smirk over your shoulder, trying to ignore the butterflies that have created a tornado in your stomach at his closeness.

“Guess you've got a point there, love,” he smiles, grabbing a slice of toast from your plate and moving to the fridge to get butter.

The two of you eat in comfortable silence, and you feel the aching in your head slowly subside into a faint throbbing as you finish the tea and toast. You get up and carry the dishes into the kitchen, ruffling Roger’s bedhead as you pass him. He whines and shoves your hand away, trying in vain to fix his messy maine of blond locks. You laugh at his efforts and go to your room to get changed for the day. 

The bookstore you work at always gives you the early shifts, which normally would have bothered you, but it leaves you time in the evening to see Roger and the boys perform, so you don't mind the early mornings as much. You and Roger have fallen into a nice routine, with you usually waking up first and making a small, easy breakfast and him driving you to the bookstore on his way to the recording studio. You usually spend your lunch break with him at the studio or with your friends at the tiny strip mall next to your work.

This morning was the same as any other, the sun’s warm rays heating your cold room and washing away the grayness of dawn. You slip into a sweater and bell bottoms, and check to see if you are still wearing your necklace. It was given to you by your best friend before she moved, and you had promised to never take it off. You had been wearing it for three years now, and it was more of a comforting token than an actual piece of jewelry. You undo your messy bun and brush out your hair, making a clean part down the middle and pinning the front of it back. After putting on a small amount of makeup, you grab your coat from your messy closet and ball up Roger’s old t-shirt.

You wordlessly toss Roger his shirt and grab his keys from the counter, indicating that you're ready to leave. He lets out a high-pitched yelp when the shirt lands over his face and he puts it on over his still bare chest.

“Rog, that shirt is so not clean,” you wrinkle your nose at him.

“I don't care, I’m too lazy to get dressed and I don't want you to be late for work,” he replies, grabbing the keys from your hands. You roll your eyes and continue out the door, stopping when you see him sniff the armpits of the band tee. 

“I warned you. It probably stinks, I slept in it.”

His face contorts into a mixture of surprise and smugness, “It doesn't stink, it just smells like you. Plus, you wore that really good perfume last night, so it smells like vanilla,” he says in his raspy voice.

Your eyes widen at his words, shocked that he recognized the smell of your perfume, let alone noticed that you were wearing it last night.

“What?” he asks, his cheeks a rosy pink color.

“Nothing! It’s just a bit weird that you know my perfume,” you poke him, laughing at the redness spreading across his face.

“W-well, we bought it together, remember? I told you that you smelled bad- as a joke of course- and you got offended, so you dragged me to that little beauty store to buy some!” he stammers, locking the door behind him.

“Oh I remember Rogie, you spent the entire time complaining. I was surprised that the store owner didn't kick us out!”

“Oh, piss off,” he grumbles, walking past you towards the car.

You laugh and follow him, getting into the passenger side of his car. The only times he lets you drive are when he’s drunk or when he is too tired.

He rolls his eyes at you when you poke him in the ribs to show that you were kidding, but makes no attempt to further the playful banter, which is unusual for him. You give him a quick glance to make sure he isn't still grumpy from last night, expecting him to have that spacey expression he often gets on mornings after nights of drinking, but are met with his own eyes already on you. 

You can usually read him like a book, given how long you have known each other, but the look in his eyes the split second before he returns them to the road is something you have never seen before. It sends chills through your body, and you can’t help but wish he had kept his gaze on you, relishing the feeling of being under those twinkling blue eyes.

You catch yourself staring at him and swivel your head around to look out your window instead, the relaxed expression on your face masking the unsteady palpitations of your heart.

I hope Thomas calls soon. I need to get Roger out of my head.

You spend the rest of the short drive staring blankly out your window, ignoring Roger’s frequent glances in your direction. He drops you off at the quaint bookstore where you have been working for the past year, and you get out of the car with a quick goodbye. Before you can turn away, you feel his strong hand on your arm, immediately sensing the heat of his fingertips on your skin despite your thick sweater.

“You ok, love? You’re quiet.”

“Fine, Rog. Just a bit hungover.”

He nods, but you can see in his eyes that he doesn’t believe you. You force a smile and thank him for the ride, promising to visit the studio during your lunch break.

As you enter the bookstore and hear the familiar chime of the welcoming bell, you fail to notice Roger’s lingering stare watching you as you take your place behind the register and wait for the wave of morning customers. He sits in the car silently for a few more seconds, staring after you with a mixture of confusion and longing, before turning the key and easing out of the small parking lot and in the direction of Queen’s recording studio.

Part Three! 

Taglist: @benders-diamond-earring @brokenheartedjubilee @shutup-sorry @thefairyfellersmasterstroke @spaghetittiesbcimgay @lacontroller1991 @luvborhap @chlobo6 @turquiosenights @rogershoe

[luvknow]

roommates au | the best friend, kim woojin

genre: kim woojin x reader | college au ; friends-to-lovers au summary: woojin has been your best friend since high school. now he was your roommate, and living together took your friendship to a whole other level. wc: 2.5k

if woojin was going to be living with a roommate, it had to be with someone he already knew and trusted.

he wasn’t about that whole “let’s meet on craigslist” deal after he was randomly paired with someone for his first year living at the student dorms.

the day they met was when he decided he would never do anything like that ever again.

his roommate was absolutely terrible!

not only were they messy, they also played their music loud, got crumbs on his bunk, had people over, and worst of all...

he was sexiled five too many times to count in one month.

all five of those times he found himself crawling to your dorm just down the hall.

you and woojin have known each other all throughout your high school years and when you both found out you got accepted to the same dream school, you figured this was some sort of stroke of luck and applied to be in the same dorms, too.

luck was on your side, because you both ended up on the same floor and in the same hall!

so whenever woojin needed help with his homework, wanted to grab a bite to eat, or was exiled from his room due to a sock on the door knob, he was at your door in a heartbeat.

on the other hand, your roommate was perfect, due to the fact that they were almost never there because they were always at their significant other’s place, so you and woojin often had your dorm to yourselves.

a lot of long nights, long talks, and long study sessions happened in your dorm.

one night, while silently studying, you came up with a brilliant idea.

“hey.”

“hm?” he hummed, not looking up from his textbook.

“let’s get an apartment together next year.”

“ok.”

“wha - really!? just like that?”

“honestly, i was going to ask you eventually. you just beat me to it.”

“ok, this is a real verbal agreement, right? no take-backs?”

“if i have to live in the dorms another year, i will drop out, so i am one hundred percent serious.”

“yay!” you grinned. “we’re gonna be roommates ~! let’s shop at ikea!”

“we can only afford ikea, anyways...”

after spending the entire summer together buying furniture, decorations, and basic essentials, you were all ready to move in before the new school year.

your bedrooms were on opposite sides of the apartment, allowing you to have your privacy if you wanted it.

but most of the time, when both of you were home, you spent that time together in the living room and only went to your rooms to sleep.

you guys studied together, ate together, watched your favorite shows together - as roommates, you guys were inseparable.

sometimes while watching a movie, you wouldn’t even make it to your bed and fell asleep on the couch with your head on woojin’s shoulder.

that was the weird thing about being roommates.

you guys got pretty... intimate while sharing the same space.

mornings often went like this:

“woojin, can you move i’m trying to brush my teeth,” you mumbled at 8am while trying to fight woojin in a tshirt and boxers for sink space.

“my skincare is more important than your dental hygiene,” he scolded back.

“god, why are you so big it’s like i’m pushing a wall!”

“don’t be so mean - i’m thick, not big.”

in the kitchen it was more like this:

“wooojiiinnn ~” you whined cutely from the kitchen table. “i’m hungryyyy ~”

“go make something then.”

“but you’re so much better at making things...!”

“are you serious right now, i made dinner yesterday!”

"and it was amazing ~”

“ugh, you’re so lazy.................................................. what do you want?”

and the living room went like this:

“yoink,” woojin said as he snatched the remote up from your hands.

“don’t you change the channel or i will eat all of your snacks.”

“... you won’t...”

“bet.”

woojin squinted his eyes and dared to change the channel from your drama that was in the midst of a scene that could have led up to a kiss to his stupid weeb programs.

in a fury, you leaped up from the couch and sprinted straight woojin’s stash of snacks in his bedroom.

“hey, get out of my room!” he yelled, chasing after you.

“i said bet, so i’m gonna fulfill it!! that’s what you get!”

“don’t be a dick!”

“don’t change my channel!!”

in the end, both of you missed your shows and ended up sharing the snacks while watching some terrible movie.

living with your best friend had it’s difficult times, but you would never trade your roommate for anyone else.

if you thought you were best friends before, well you sure as hell are now, ten fold.

it took your relationship to a whole other level, and you weren’t sure whether that was a good or bad thing.

take, for example, when you were patiently waiting to use the bathroom when woojin was busy showering.

annoyed and already late for the day, you would continuously knock on the door knowing he was just taking his sweet ass time doing his skin care routine.

“i swear to god, if i miss one more clicker question -”

and then as if he was waiting for you to be at a certain level of annoyance, he’d open the bathroom door, letting all the steam out and revealing him in nothing but a towel around his waist.

he never failed to make you stop mid-sentence to gawk at his nearly-naked body that where his lower half was only covered with a towel.

you thought you knew everything about woojin up to this point in your friendship, but you never thought about how much he worked out and developed a six pack.

“staring is rude, _____,” woojin teased as he walked passed your stunned form.

it was hard to look him in the eye after that.

on woojin’s side of the matter, who also wasn’t sure whether living together and taking your relationship to a new level was good, had a weakness about you of his own.

on nights when it was warmer and you were dressing more comfortably around the apartment in your pajamas, instead of pajama pants, you opted for shorts that revealed a lot of leg.

just like how you didn’t realize woojin’s six pack, woojin never noticed how long your legs were.

your skin looked so smooth and soft, too -

“staring is rude, woojin,” you mocked, kicking him lightly as you passed him.

after that, whenever you wore anything tight that shaped your legs, he couldn’t take his eyes off of you, and luckily he was sneaky enough that you never noticed.

sundays were one of your favorite days to spend with woojin because it was a day to relax and go grocery shopping.

it took forever to finish shopping though because you two would argue about which foods were necessary.

“hot cheetos are so bad for you!” woojin scolded while putting the bag back on the shelf.

“if i wanna melt my insides with spicy cheesy goodness, then let me!” you whined.

“no, it’s gross, and you should be eating healthier! we’re not in high school anymore.”

“ugh, you never let me get what i want.”

he pinched a huge chunk of your cheek playfully. “you’re such a baby.”

“if i can’t eat my chips, you need to stop eating fried chicken so much.”

“those are not on the same level of unhealthiness ok, i eat white meat.”

“it’s still not good for you. you should eat like, baked or grilled chicken.”

“i would rather die.”

in the midst of your argument, while woojin was inspecting the nutrition facts of some cereal, you saw a shy but clearly interested passer by who eyed your roommate.

you nudged woojin harshly.

“ow, what was that for!?”

“i think someone’s checking you out. look in the next aisle.”

so obviously and not discreetly at all, like an idiot, woojin swung his head to face them and almost immediately, they tried to hide their blushing face behind a box of pasta.

“what are you waiting for, go talk to them!” you whispered.

woojin shook his head and went back to the cereal box. “nah, i’m ok.”

“are you out of your mind, they’re clearly interested in you, for whatever reason! and they’re not bad looking, either! this is so rare for you!”

“you’re such a dick.”

that’s how it always went whenever you two were out.

whether it was groceries, or getting coffee, or grabbing a bite to eat, or even studying in the library, there was always someone who was checking woojin out and every time you told him about it he would shut you down and not talk about it for the rest of the night.

which was crazy, wasn’t it!? like, who wouldn’t want to take all of these opportunities!?

you wished you had even one interested person look at you the way these people looked at woojin.

“why are you so lame?” you teased him while eating lunch one day.

“what do you mean?”

“like why don’t you ever go for it? you know, shoot your shot? you’ve had so many missed opportunities.”

“i’m just not interested in them, that’s all,” he shrugged.

“god, it’s like high school all over again. you had so many people lined up hoping you’d ask them on a date or to prom and you never did! you asked me to go with you instead, for whatever reason.”

“you said you were worried no one would ask you.”

“i mean yeah, but you didn’t have to ask me out of pity.”

“you know i’d never do that. we had so much fun that night, remember?”

“maybe you did, not so much me - i spent a good chunk of the night throwing up at the after party. you didn’t have to stay with me the whole night, you know. i felt so bad, like i took that night away from you.”

he shook his head. “it was so funny seeing you like that. besides, i didn’t want to leave you alone. i learned a lot about you that night, like how fireball doesn’t agree with your body and you have lacy red underwear.”

“oh my god, you saw that!?”

“yeah, and you’re lucky i made sure i was the only one.”

“d’aw woojin, you like me ~!” you teased. “see, you’d make such a good boyfriend for someone."

“maybe some other time.”

“well, i hope you do soon. i wish i had half the people interested in me like that.”

woojin stayed silent and clenched his jaw.

of course you had people interested in you.

whenever you were out, woojin always saw someone eyeing you in not-so innocent ways.

that’s when he would stand a little closer to you or block their view from you.

you never knew about them because unlike you, who told woojin nearly every time you saw someone interested in him, he never told you.

none of them were ever worth your time.

until he finds someone worthwhile for you, he’ll let you know about them. but for now, he’d stay silent.

which sounded selfish, but he was just protecting you, right?

“no dude, that’s totally selfish,” chan said while they hung out at his place. “why won’t you play wingman? they do that for you all the time!”

“all the guys are douche bags who probably put their soundcloud link on their social media bio.”

“hey, i do that.”

“yeah, and how many times have you asked me to set you up with them?”

“ok, i would stop asking if you’d just admit that you liked them since high school.”

“... not since high school...”

“so you do like them, right?” chan teased, nudging woojin playfully causing him to drop the gaming control.

“ah hey, i just died!”

“don’t change the subject!”

“i’m going home.”

“tell _____ to call me sometime ~”

“shut up.”

the walk home was long and frustrating.

maybe chan was talking some sense for once - was he really being selfish with you?

all your comments about wishing you went on dates or all the nights you spent staying up watching romantic dramas - you’ve been like this ever since he met you.

but you and woojin pretty much did the same things!

always going out to eat, making each other laugh, you even live together, for god’s sake.

the only thing that was missing was, well... the whole kissing part.

you were just chilling on the couch watching tv when woojin came home from hanging out with the guys.

“hey,” you greeted.

when you didn’t hear a response, you looked over to the door and saw woojin looking upset with his brows furrowed and jaw clenched.

“you ok?”

woojin softened his expression, unaware of how tense he was being. “yeah, sorry. i just lost to chan a bunch of times.”

“aw, poor you. wanna pick what we watch tonight?”

“you know me so well.”

he gladly joined you on the couch put on something you both would enjoy - trashy reality television.

tonight was one of those nights where both of you were too tired to talk or make conversation, so you’d stay up for hours watching whatever was on.

you were the first to fall asleep. woojin was so used to the weight of your head on his shoulder that he barely noticed it by the time he fell asleep.

the both of you must have been exhausted that night because neither of you woke up until the following morning.

you were the first to wake up, positioned perfectly under woojin’s arm and your head on his chest with your arms wrapped around him like he was your body pillow.

never had you guys fallen asleep in this position before, but for some reason, it didn’t feel weird.

it felt so right.

it was something you could only dream about.

until he woke up, you’d just pretend to sleep and lay there just a little while longer.

but he thought the same thing - he didn’t want to leave the couch at all, even if it was a bit cramped.

holding you was just too good to be true.

then it was almost noon, and both of you figured it was time to get up.

“hey,” woojin whispered, playing with your hair. “are you awake?”

“no ~” you replied, snuggling closer.

“c’mon, we gotta get up and be adults, or something.”

“but it’s sunday ~”

“why, do you like it when i hold you like this?” he teased, tightening his grip around you.

“mhm.”

“i like it, too. but guess what? sunday means we have to go grocery shopping today.”

“oh yeah, i totally forgot!”

“maybe... i could cook you something tonight.”

“wow, and i didn’t even have to ask?”

“i guess i really like you.”

“then i’ll take you up on that offer. in exchange, i’ll bake some cookies.”

“i like the sound of that. it’s a date...?”

you lifted your head up gave a blushing woojin a kiss on the cheek.

“i’d love to go on a date with my best friend.”

[goodnightkisseu]

Bae Jinyoung - Gingerbread Cookies

Genre: Fluff

Note: It’s time for another post from me for the 12 days of Christmas with Wanna One collab! I’m doing this series with Chelle over at @prettywordsyouleft and with Kim at @nothingwithoutwannaone! I hope that you all have been enjoying the wonderful pieces that Chelle and Kim have written over these last couple of days! 

Today I have a cute little Jinyoung one! I hope you all enjoy! And as always, please feel free to let me know what you think ^^

Enjoy~

- goodnightkisseu’s admin / ashley <3

The holiday break meant a lot of things for different people. For most, it meant time off, away from work and school. A lot of your classmates were traveling out of the country with their families, all of them ready to spend the two weeks shopping to their heart’s content, visiting landmarks. You were also traveling with your family over the holidays, but not nearly as far as your classmates. You were going a few towns over, approximately a couple hours’ drive, and you had never been so excited before. You would be seeing him again and that made all the difference.

“You look really happy today, honey,” your mother said while giggling, getting you to pull your eyes away from the beautiful scenery outside of the window. She smiled at you knowingly before your father decided to chime in.

“Of course she’s happy. She gets to see Jinyoung again,” your father said, his words and tone meant to tease. Yet, this only earned him a gentle slap on the arm by your mother.

“Don’t tease our daughter,” she reprimanded, and but you could help but giggle at their interaction. Your father wasn’t wrong though, Jinyoung was the one you were most excited to see over the winter break, for more than one reason.

The two of you had known each other since primary school. Your parents had been co-workers so you saw each other often at work functions. As most of the other kids were either older than the two of you or were babies, it led you both to grow close. You didn’t get along at first. Honestly, you teased Jinyoung a lot and probably made him cry on more than one occasion, but as you grew older, this stopped. You began to depend on each other, a deeper bond forming than either of you had expected. Even after your families moved away from each other, due to your parents ending up at different offices, you managed to keep in contact with Jinyoung, enjoying hearing about his day and what ridiculous things his new friends were getting him into.

Though your close bond became more than just friendship. You weren’t sure when the switch from friendship to significant other happened, Jinyoung didn’t know either. But it did. When Jinyoung talked about the girls at his school you couldn’t help but get jealous. When you told him about a guy that had expressed interest in you, he all of a sudden didn’t want to talk. It didn’t take either of you long to realize that your relationship had grown far past friends that cared about each other. Granted, dating this many cities apart wasn’t easy and it didn’t take your parents long to realize that something was going on. So to try and ease the distance for the two of you, your families would always plan to have the holidays together. This year it was at Jinyoung’s family home, but it alternated each year.  

The car ride felt a lot shorter than expected. You had fallen asleep at one point along the way, to which you reprimanded yourself for doing so as your hair was now a bit of a mess and there was no time to fix it up. Still, you pushed it to the back of your mind as your mom told you to get out of the car and greet their friends. You did so, Jinyoung’s mother giving you a hug and asking how you were. You made small talk with her as you helped your father unpack the car, and it wasn’t until you were reaching for a particularly heavy bag that you felt a pair of hands on top of yours, the individual gently removing your hands from the luggage as he effortlessly pulled it from the backseat.

It didn’t take you long to realize who it was, and in an instant, you turned around and found your arms wrapped around him in a tight hug. “Jinyoung!” you exclaimed happily, the male chuckling at how quickly your attitude changed. The adults seemed to as well.

“Come on, you two, it’s cold. Let’s get inside,” Jinyoung’s mother suggested, and with his help, you brought in all of the luggage, bringing them into the two guest rooms that his mother has set up for you and your family. You dropped off your parents’ stuff first before lugging your things into the smaller room, placing them in the far corner. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see that Jinyoung had already plopped himself on the edge of the bed, watching you unpack some of your things into the dresser in front of him. Once you were done, you plopped down next to him giving him a giant grin.

“It’s good to see you again,” you said happily, feeling his hands gently reaching for yours. The physical contact was a bit surprising for you. As your relationship has mostly been through text messages and phone calls, it was almost a little weird being in the same place at the same time.

You chatted for a bit amongst yourselves, getting used to being in the same place. You talked about school and how, even though you weren’t fond of some of your teachers, that you were trying as hard as you could. Jinyoung encouraged you to keep doing the best that you could. In turn, he told you about the ridiculous things happening at his school, how he made the swim team, and how things were getting a bit stressful lately. You did your best to ease his worries, and before you could ask him about how other things were going, your parents called you both downstairs to let you know that they would be going out to shop for some of the ingredients that were missing for your usual Christmas dinner.

Your families had a handful of traditions during the holidays. Your mothers would cook an amazing spread of food. Your fathers would go and find a tree that all of you would later decorate. And dessert was always left up to you and Jinyoung.  When you were much younger, this usually meant something simple like putting pieces of chocolate on a plate, but you had gotten creative over the last couple of years. You were fond of baking and Jinyoung was always the best helper. He always tried his hardest, even though, sometimes, he would mess up here and there.

Your parents recommended that the two of you start on dessert while they were gone, and you were more than happy to comply. As you had chosen what the two of you would make these last couple of years, you suggested that Jinyoung choose this year. “So, what are we making?” you asked curiously as he gingerly took your hand and led you into the kitchen, a plethora of tools and ingredients already laid out for the two of you. Based on what he had prepared, you tried to guess what it was that the two of you could possibly be making, but about five guesses in, Jinyoung just told you.

“We’re making gingerbread cookies,” he said, watching as you pouted. It was too cute, even if he didn’t visibly show how adorable he found it.

“I wanted to guess, Jinyoung. Why do you have to be like that?” you asked, letting out an exasperated sigh.

“Because if I just let you guess, you’d still be guessing until our parents got back. We have to actually get these in the oven before they get back or they won’t be done in time,” he reasoned. Sometimes you wondered how you put up with him. He was a bit too straight to the point sometimes. But then again, you supposed that this was something that was good too. You knew that he would always tell you how something was, even if you didn’t want to hear the truth. You knew you could trust him, and that was more important to you than anything.

“Fine, fine,” you conceded. So what’s the recipe we’re using?” you asked and with the smallest smile, Jinyoung pulled out his phone and looked for the recipe. Your eyes caught sight of his home screen just before he opened up the browser and you couldn’t help but smile. It was a picture from last Christmas. On the days when your family didn’t have any of your regularly planned traditions, the two of you would often go on little dates here and there. Last year, on a day when it snowed particularly hard, Jinyoung had taken you out to the small lake just a few miles away. There you got to watch the snowfall in the most beautiful way, coating the nearby trees and gently landing on the water before disappearing. Granted, it had been a bit of a pain to get back home with all of that snow on the road, but it had been well worth it, and the place where you had snapped that picture in the snow together. Honestly, it was a shame that the two of you usually only had time to meet in the winter. But maybe once you were out of high school, it would be easier.

Deftly, Jinyoung clicked through a handful of websites before he found the one for the cookies you would be making. You both went to wash your hands, playfully trying to nudge each other out of the way as you did so before you got serious enough to make the cookies. Jinyoung let you take the lead as he usually did, knowing that if he were to spearhead this, there would be no edible cookies by the end of it. So instead he focused on helping you, sifting flour, measuring out the right amounts to other ingredients. The only time he was a bit more hands-on was when it came to the mixing… and that was only because your arm got tired. You then proceeded to shape the dough into round balls, almost identical in size and Jinyoung couldn’t help but be in awe as he handed you the next chunk of dough.

“They’re almost perfectly even…” he said a bit shocked at how much you had improved. The last time you had made cookies three years ago, they were all different sizes. Now, whether that was because Jinyoung was not great at doling out the dough, or if it was because you were a bit too firm with the dough was unseen. But this year… these cookies were social media worthy.

“I’ve had a bit of practice. I made a ton of chocolate chip cookies this year,” you admitted. You had started to bake more at home, much to the surprise of your parents. There were always sweets in the house, and you’d often pawn them off on friends and even your teachers on special event days.

Jinyoung raised a brow. You were making sweets? Who were they for because he surely didn’t get any. He couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous. He liked your baked goods… but he only got them once or twice a year. So who else was eating them? “Since when do you make sweets outside of Christmas?” he asked.

Jinyoung wasn’t one to show how he was feeling, but even you could hear the change in his voice. “I bake now to relieve stress,” you admitted sheepishly. “It’s mostly friends and teachers that get them. I’d give them to you if you were a little closer,” you teased, seeing that pout form on his lips as he said something about how he couldn’t control it. He was being so cute.

“I’ll make you a batch of baked goods just for you. Would that make you feel better?” you asked, placating him. And it seemed to work because the hint of a smile formed on his lips just then.

“I’m holding you to it,” he said back, and you smiled in response.

“Of course. I promise,” you reassured him, letting him know that all he needed to do was tell you when he wanted them, and you would try to send them his way.

The two of you continued on with forming the cookies, your fingers working deftly as Jinyoung just watched, you mesmerized by how quickly you were forming the cookies now. Within minutes the two of you finished up getting as many of the dough spheres onto the two cookie sheets as you could, covering up the remaining ones. Jinyoung quickly slipped them into the oven before making his way over the couch with you. He planted himself against the back of the couch and opened his arms for you, allowing you to come diving into your favorite spot in his arms. Jinyoung pulled the throw on the back of the couch over the both of you before reaching for the control, starting another one of your holiday traditions, watching those made for television holiday movies.

It was hard only truly getting to see each other for such short periods of time, but honestly, it was worth it every time. And the fact that it was around Christmas and that your families could keep your traditions alive was even better…

[havcns]

❣ , ✚ , ♫ ( hugs 4 miss annie )

FUTURE AU

❣ –A hug after being separated

HE WAS AN ART HOE CIGARETTE-SMOKIN’ INDIE GOD SAD BOY — and mateo hated absolutely everything about him. ETHAN was what she called him and the very name made his blood boil. the last time he was in NEW YORK he saw her with him at a party and he was devastated — how could she move on so fast? especially with a guy like him? just from the small exchange alone he knew the guy was bad news and he couldn’t sleep knowing that was who she was with. now he was back in NY and crashing in a cheap motel ( he was still new to the job he got back in halston and was far more focused on why he was there, rather than where he was going to stay ), not wasting much time before he reached out to her via text message. all he wanted was to see her without her boyfriend around — to silently plead to her that ethan wasn’t who she was meant to be with. THEY were meant to be together, they both knew it — that’s how it’s always been, even before starting their relationship when they were SEVENTEEN. MATEO OSBORNE & ANNABELLA WHITLOCK did not go through all the shit that they did, just to end up apart in the end. 

the place he chose to meet her had significance. when they were both students there, they often met up to study at that small, family owned cafe — every sunday morning. that was also why he ordered the drink she always used to get ahead of time — did she still go there? it felt like a whole lifetime had passed since he felt the NERVES that flooded him while he waited for her to arrive. she used to make him so nervous, then everything about her felt right — like two perfectly matched puzzle pieces. except now they were apart again and it felt like apart of him was missing, so he set out to do whatever it took to bring her back. the moment he saw her pass by the window, all the air was pulled from his lungs — she was always so beautiful. he longed to hold her again and so that’s exactly what he did the moment she stood in front of him. “it’s good to see you, annabella whitlock,” he had leaned forward and whispered those words to her, then, he pulled her into his embrace and immediately melted against her. “i’ve missed you so much.”

✚ – A hug while cuddling

she told him if he loved her he would leave her alone, and so that’s exactly what he did — for a few days. BRYCE ARCHER finally answered his text messages and offered him his couch to crash on, not without giving him all the details about why he was there of course. always so hungry for drama. there was no doubt in his mind that she requested that of him because of ETHAN — it only made sense. they spent a few days together and everything was good—no, it was more than good—everything was perfect. then one night they wandered central park together, he took her picture nearly a hundred times ( without her always knowing, of course ), they caught up, they laughed — he held onto her hand, looked into her eyes, and reminded her that he loved her. the last part was always the most important because he feared she wasn’t being told that enough. then, right before they parted, he distracted her for a few more minutes just so that they wouldn’t have to leave each other so soon. every picture that he took he showed her, and he reminded her that she was beautiful. and that was always so important because he feared that she wasn’t being told that enough. 

when she never returned his calls or answered his texts, he finally made the decision to return back to halston. a week passed before he tried reaching out again, but this time he started the text with “ is ethan there? ” and soon enough, she was answering him again. he was relieved to have some sort of connection with her again, but not being there to see her and hear her voice for himself was frustrating. the last time they texted, she invited him to a party on the approaching weekend — he never informed her that he was back home in halston. she told him to go to a party and nothing was going to keep him from attending — he hopped on the next flight and yet again, found a cheap room at a motel. the party was in someone’s apartment and he knew absolutely nobody there, but they were far too intoxicated to care that a stranger was in their home. the place was pretty packed anyway so he wasn’t bothered by it. when a good chunk of time passed and she still hadn’t arrived, he decided to step out of the room and wait in the hallway to avoid the curious stares of the others. as soon as the door closed behind him, he heard the yelling — he heard her voice. 

the names he called her sent him into a rage and if it hadn’t been for the window on the door of the stairwell, he would have burst through and went right for ethan. but she caught his gaze at the right moment and he could read it so clearly, she didn’t want him to step in. instead, the lad paced the hallway and occasionally threw his hands up to shield his ears from the words that left his mouth. how could she expect him to stay where he was when he spoke like that to her? his decision to step in was a fleeting moment because through the door came annie and she was all alone. his thumbs were brushing away the tears that fell from her eyes and he felt his own welling up, “why do you stay with him?”

within the hour he was back in his motel room, sitting on the edge of his bed with his head buried in his hands. SHE WENT BACK TO HIM. it broke his heart to hear her defend a person who could look at her and say those things, but he also knew that something was different about her after they spoke. it was why he told her exactly where he was staying and why he left his door unlocked — he begged her to come with him, maybe she just needed a bit more time to make the decision for herself. he was nearly asleep when he heard the click of his door, eyes immediately opening and knowing it was annie as soon as he saw her silhouette in the dim room. they didn’t say anything to each other — they didn’t always have to. she was in his arms in the next few seconds and he was clinging to her desperately. his hands slowly ran up and down her back, and then he slid one up to the back of her head to guide it to his shoulder — “i’ve got you, bella.”

♫ – A hug while dancing

his hands shook from the pain that shot from the tips of his fingers and up toward his elbow, a few spots on his face and ribs doing the same. most people say that you don’t remember moments of pure rage, but mateo remembered every second of it — he never regretted it for a second. he stayed close to the pair, waiting for ethan to make the first move — to give him the reason to lunge that he was looking for. it took a while, but finally fed up with mateo constantly approaching annie, he made the first shove ( to which mateo responded with a punch to the face ). they nearly went at it for a whole minute before someone decided to step in, that someone being annie of couse. she asked them to stop so he released the collar of the other male’s jacket and stepped away from him, walking to her side without another word. the message to ethan had been made as clear as day, and though he still got kicked out of the pub that night, he had annie at his side and nothing else mattered. 

he led her out into the silent street that was illuminated by several spaced out streetlamps, the snow slowly tumbling down around them and melting the moment it touched the pavement. then, with only the distant bass of the music inside the pub, he guided her in a dance — his hand was gently placed in hers while the other rested against the small of her back. there were a million things he wanted to say to her right there in that moment, but he knew that he didn’t have to just yet — he’d spend the rest of his life doing it. he spun her around one time before leading her into his embrace again, a very light and joyous laugh eliciting from the lad, but it simply ended in a smile when they were wrapped up in each other. her arms around his middle tightly and her face buried against his shoulder, and like he’d done many times before, he cradled her while he swayed to their own nonexistent music. “i love you, annabella whitlock.”

[wewillsurvivethistoo]

When you are thinking about self harm...

Stop.

Take a deep breath.

Now another.

And another.

Take as many as you need. Calm yourself down.  You don’t need to panic. You don’t need to be scared. All you need to do right now is breathe.

In two three four.

Out two three for.

Even if you feel calm or if you aren’t really feeling anything at all, just take a minute. And breathe. Empty your mind. Don’t pay attention to anything going on around you. Just breathe. The only important thing right now is you. It’s gonna be ok. Breathe.

It is gonna be hard for a little bit. You might not feel good and it might feel like it will drag on forever. But it won’t. This feeling will fade. It will be ok.

The first thing I want you to do is get somewhere safe. Go somewhere you feel comfortable.

If you are around a lot of people and you would rather be alone, try to excuse yourself. Say that there is something you forgot to do or say that you don’t feel well. If you can’t leave, then excuse yourself to the bathroom or say you have to make a call and that you will be back shortly. If you are in transport of some kind, like the bus or the train, and can’t get off you can try to barricade yourself from the other passengers. Use a bag or purse to keep people from physically touching you by putting it between you and them. Put in headphones if you have them. If you want to play some white noise to help block out the sound of other people. You can put up your hoodie to block your face if you want. You can also pretend to be asleep.

If you are alone but want to be near other people, try calling a friend or two and see if they want to hang out. You can call a family member if you want. If you don’t necessarily want to talk to people but you still want to be around them, you could ask to study together or if you could work/ read where they are so you could have some company. If you don’t feel comfortable contacting someone you know, it’s ok. If you still want company, you can go to a fast food place to hear lots of noise. If you would prefer a quieter environment I suggest going to a library or a bookstore. You can go to one of these places and stay there as long as you want to.

However, make sure you don’t overwhelm yourself. Wherever you go try to get comfortable. Make sure that you are warm and are on something soft. Grab a blanket or a jacket and get comfy. If you can, put on clothes that you feel comfortable in. Grab a pillow or a stuffed animal if you want to. Do whatever will make you the most comfortable.

Get some water if you can. Take small sips. You don’t have to drink it all, but it will keep you from getting dehydrated. It will help you feel better.

You don’t have to be anything right now. Take a break. You don’t have to be a friend, sibling, parent, child, teacher, student, significant other, worker. You don’t have to be anything except for you.

Relax. It is going to be ok.

I am going to say some things. And it is going to be so hard for you to believe me. It will be. But everything I say is true. I promise you. And I don’t break promises.Just hold on and read. It’s going to be ok. Breathe. Ready?

You do not deserve this pain.

You have done nothing wrong.

You are not hated.

You are not stupid, worthless, ugly, unwanted, annoying, or selfish.

You are loved.

You are wanted.

You are enough.

You are not alone.

It is going to be ok.

Those words are for you. It is not directed towards another person. You are not an exception to them. They are true and they are yours.

Now take a step back. Breathe. Relax. You are ok. The things that your head is telling you are not true. You are none of the things people were yelling at you. You aren’t those things. Breathe. You are you and you are exactly who you need to be. It’s ok.

The next part depends on what you want to do. There are many options so you choose whichever one works best for you ok?

Take a shower or a bath. Was all of the sweat and dirt off of you. Pamper yourself. Use a good bath bomb or the one soap that you really like. Take your time and let yourself relax. Once you get out moisturize everywhere. Put on the good lotion with the scent that you like. Wash your face. Brush your teeth if you want to. Dry your hair and brush it out. Put on another set of comfortable clothes. Take all of the time you want to.

Go to sleep. Take a nap or fall asleep for the night if you want to. Grab a blanket or crawl into bed. If you fall asleep for the night make sure that you charge all of the electronics you need to, turn off all of the lights, and make sure if you have any pets you feed them.

Clean up. It is a mindless task that can be used to keep your hands busy bit not be mentally taxing. An extra bonus of this would be that you get some housework done.

Do some work/ homework. It will give your mind something to focus on. However be careful and don’t get overwhelmed or lost in the work. Make sure to get up and take a break every once in a while. Maybe take a five minute break every thirty minutes? There is no shame in setting an alarm if you are worried you will get lost in working and forget to take a break.

Do something artsy like painting, drawing, or writing. No pressure here. Its ok to take it slow.

Watch TV.  Put on your favorite sow and let yourself get lost in the episodes.

Read a book. It would provide the same distraction that the TV does but it doesn’t make lots of noise and gives you something to do with your hands.

Have a wild random dance party. Blast your favorite music and dance around like a crazy person.

If you feel like going out, but not spending time with other people, you can go see a movie in the theater. If you prefer something quieter, you could take a hike outside or go for a walk. You could even just drive around town and listen to your music.

If you want to be with people and stay inside, you can have a movie night at your house. Or a game night. You could even get the ingredients for a dinner and have people come over to cook with you and make dinner as a group.

If you want to go out and be with people, you could go out for dinner or for coffee. You can also go bowling, skating, or mini golf. You could go shopping if you wanted to.

If you are at work or at school and can’t leave, it is going to be ok. Take a deep breath. Splash some water on your face. Take a moment to collect yourself. It will turn out ok. You are doing to make it through this day. And then you can go and do what ever you want to. Its ok. Hold on just a little bit longer. I believe in you. It is going to be ok.

If the feeling is not going away, that’s ok too. Don’t panic. There are several alternatives to help get rid of it.

Draw on yourself instead. Get a soft marker and draw where you feel the urge to hurt. Try to use a washable marker and not a sharpie. However, do not use a pen at all.

Use ice. Run the ice where you need to. Be aware that the ice will melt and get water everywhere.

Get a notebook and rip through the pages with a pen. Bear down hard on the paper with the pen and rip it.

If you choose to break something as an alternative, try breaking chunks of ice. Don’t break plates or other glass things that could hurt you.

Avoid using alternatives that hurt you in a different way like pulling your hair, digging into your palms with your nails, scratching or picking at your skin, not eating, letting yourself be uncomfortable, or letting yourself be hurt emotionally.

It is going to be ok. Just hold on darlin. You will be ok.

No matter what you decide to do, remember that you will make it through this. You will make it past this point and go on to a time where you don’t feel like this. It will be hard. There will be setbacks and obstacles. But it’s ok. Because you aren’t alone. I am right here with you and I believe in you. I know that you can do it. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help. There is nothing to be ashamed of and it does not make you weak. It’s ok. My messages are always open.

You are going to be ok. Lots of people love you and care about you. We got you. You aren’t alone. It’s gonna be ok.

As always, I really hope this is helpful to you. Feel free to message me if you want to. Also remember that this post might not help everyone with every situation. For that I am sorry. I really tried to make this all inclusive and I can not tell you how many times I have rewritten this. I really did try to do this topic justice and give you guys the help you deserve. There is a chance I will edit this or make a completely different, better one in the future.

If you have any comments on what I can do better, revisions that need to be made, or what helped and what didn’t please feel free to message me or shoot me an anon. I really do appreciate any feed back.

I hope you are feeling better. Its gonna be ok darlin. Keep your head held high.

We will stand strong together.

Love you all, Eve. 💜

[hollywayblog]

Inspiration and Absorption: The Elusive Input-Output Balance

Ever since I learned how to work, I’ve been a workaholic. Oh how I love the feeling of getting under the covers at night and knowing in your bones that you have earned that good night’s sleep. But beyond that, I love my work. Because I love art. I love stories.

The thing is, that love of stories can sometimes get in the way of writing them, because if there’s anything that can steal my passion for the book I’m writing, it’s the book I’m reading.

Anyone who has ever lost themselves to a book knows what I’m talking about. Every so often we come across a story that just captures our imagination and holds on for dear life. It’s all you can think about, and it’s all you want to talk about. The characters take on a life of their own. You want to inhale the entire story but simultaneously dread getting to the end. And when it does end, you feel like you’ve left a chunk of your soul in those tear-stained pages.

This is, to me, one of the most precious experiences we have as humans. And to be honest, the miracle of reading itself never ceases to amaze me. You understand these symbols I’m typing and that’s fucking insane. So the fact that they can do so much more than be understood... The fact that they can make one think or laugh or cry... The fact that ink on paper can make one’s heart race... I don’t ever want to take that for granted.

But here’s the dilemma: as a writer, it is important to read. And it is important to read things that interest you, inspire you and excite you. Reading good writing is one of the best ways to become a better writer yourself. But sometimes a book comes along that is so good it pushes the stories you’re trying to tell clear out of your brain.

I’ve been working on draft two of my novel Baby Teeth for a couple months now. It’s only draft two, so my characters are still forming and my story is still in the process of revealing itself to me. I’ll have to go through several more drafts before I can see it all clearly. And that doesn’t mean I don’t love it, but it’s delicate. It’s a tender lil sprout that I’m gently guiding in the knowledge that one day I’ll be able to see all it’s branches in full. Couple that with the legendary novel fatigue (becoming bored with the story you’re telling, usually exacerbated by becoming excited by a fresh idea) that almost all novelists experience and I was ripe for distraction. All I needed was a good book... Perhaps a trilogy?

Late last year I read The Farseer Trilogy. Actually no, I devoured it. At the time I wasn’t working on a novel but on various smaller projects. It was the period between publishing my book of poems Crying on My Birthday and beginning NaNoWriMo, during which I would write draft one of Baby Teeth. So there was no harm in spending a good amount of time reading. And I did.

I thoroughly enjoyed book one, and by book two I was completely obsessed. But once I was finished the trilogy I made the - honestly wise - decision not to read the next one (there are three separate Fitz trilogies) yet as I was about to start writing my own novel and didn’t want my attention divided. It wasn’t too painful to wait since each trilogy is essentially self-contained and there were no cliffhangers left to resolve.

So I got to work on my novel, finished draft one and read a bunch of standalone books in the meantime, and to be honest most of them were mediocre. And I think because a few months and a few books had passed since I had finished Assassin’s Quest, I had forgotten just how addictive those books were. I didn’t think about the fact that I was working on draft two of my book. I didn’t think about the fact that I was about to start my 1kADay Challenge. I didn’t think about the whole reason I didn’t continue the series back then. I honestly was just fed up with ‘meh’ books and wanted to read something that I just knew I would enjoy.

But I don’t think enjoy is the right word for my experience of these books.

The second I opened Fool’s Errand (Book One of the Tawny Man Trilogy), I was overwhelmed by this feeling of comfort and familiarity. All the feelings the original trilogy had brought out in me came rushing back in, and this time they were even more intense. And soon that sense of comfort was overtaken by the tension of a new and exciting plot. There were times reading these books when I actually felt like I was going to have a damn heart attack - and those weren’t even the action scenes. The characters became so real to me that the interpersonal dramatics were more significant to me than any fight scene.

None of this is new to me. I had a Nimbus 2000, man; I’m no stranger to the heady magic of fiction.

But the last time I was this immersed in a series must have been 2015 or so, when I finished A Song of Ice and Fire. I’ve always written, but I’ve only been working full time as a writer since the end of 2016. I’ve never had to balance this overwhelming addiction to a fictional world while simultaneously trying to create my own.

At least, not to this extent. I have had tastes of it while reading magnificent standalone novels. I have known the struggle of wanting only to read. And also the struggle of being so inspired by a piece of work while simultaneously feeling dwarfed by its greatness. How could I ever make my cult-centred novel as profoundly terrifying as Orwell’s 1984? How could my prose ever reach the realm of dizzying beauty that Nabokov achieves in Lolita? And how can I tear myself away from these sickening, incredible stories for long enough to even try?

Let me say now that I do manage. It’s not that I give up on life and stay in bed all day reading when this strikes me. Life goes on. I get my 1,000 word minimum done every day. And when it’s a standalone novel it’s not such a big deal. You can spend the few days to a week it takes you to finish it feeling less thrilled than usual about your own work and it won’t hurt you. But there are nine huge novels in Fitz’s story. That’s weeks of absorption, if not months. And while I can still get my writing done in the meantime, a story that consuming can make you feel almost as if it’s the only story worth telling. Which is stupid. Which is why I keep writing regardless. But the fact is I just don’t think it’s possible to maintain an obsession with a story you’re consuming and a story you’re writing.

And maybe it doesn’t matter when all is said and done. As long as you can focus on your writing while you’re doing it, does it matter if you spend the rest of your time obsessing over someone else’s?

I think perhaps it’s not so important in the early drafts. But when I am in the process of actually writing the story as it is finally, forever meant to be, then I may have to go on a book fast until it’s done.

And as someone who creates in many mediums, I know this is a common problem. You can fall so hard for a piece of art that for a time it almost feels like... This is The Perfect Thing. Why would anyone bother to make anything else? Or maybe there’s the feeling of, Why am I writing a sci-fi novel? Clearly I should be writing a fantasy series!

It’s times like these when I understand fan fiction very well. That temptation to create within the confines of somebody else’s world is not so damaging to some. If you’re not interested in making worlds of your own then it is just a fun, indulgent creative exercise. But when you’re an artist with your own stories to tell, that obsession can be a slippery slope.

And yet, we artists also need that. How can I write a story that captures people’s imaginations in such a way if I’ve never experienced it? How can I tell a page-turning story if I’ve never read one? And how can I create compelling characters - something dearly important to me - if I don’t know how it feels for a character to climb out of the page and into your life?

To be honest, I don’t have the answers. Like all things in life, there is a balance to this, both necessary and elusive. I’d like to hope one day I’ll find it.

I’m extremely curious to hear your thoughts on this! Have you read a series lately that held you prisoner until you finished it? Or maybe even a TV series (I haven’t watched a good series in a very long time so I’m safe from this at the moment)? How has it interfered with your writing? Do you have a strategy or are you as lost as I am? Let me know!

Psst! Did you know I have a writing group that not only hosts the 1kADay Challenge throughout April but also runs throughout the year to provide support, inspiration and motivation for all kinds of writers? Request to join here!

[365daysoflossworldajw]

#BrokenHolidays Part 2: To give thanks

November. The first real holiday that I encountered without Ari was a holiday celebrating a day of life. November 1st, our mother’s birthday. A day that I have celebrated with my mom for as long as I can remember. A day that had been so joyous had turned into so much sadness. I tried to get something with a meaning. A gift that would remind her of Ari. That’s what these holidays are about now, remembering Ari.

Ari and I would always try to come up with special gifts or think of something that could put a smile on their faces. As a child, you always want to make your parents feel special on their birthdays.

But last year was different. My mom’s birthday was a little over a month after Ari passed away. I didn’t know how to act, let alone try to figure out what to get her as a gift. It was the most awkward day. I ended up going to Alexi and Ani to grab a little something. I saw this mermaid charm bracelet. For those who don't know the significance of mermaids, Ari loved mermaids.

For the readers and listeners who have siblings, you know the easiest thing to do is to just get one card, and sign it from you and your siblings. For 27 years, even before we knew how to read or write, cards from us would always say “Love, Ari and Tot”. I brought a card for my mom and when it came to signing it, I froze. Like dang… I'm just signing “Love, Tot” now. My heart felt like somebody was squeezing it tighter and tighter and I began to feel anxious. Reality hit hard, like yo this is real, my sister is gone. I really have to just sign my name, and only my name, for the rest of my life?

What made it worse is the fact that I hate buying cards. I think it’s a total waste of money. Ari would always buy the card and she would always sign my name. I was so used to seeing cards signed: “Love, Ari and Tot”. This moment was extremely heart breaking.

It was another reminder that there was no Ari anymore. Now, the gift was only coming from me. I think people forget the simple things, as simple as buying and signing a card. It’s the little things people forget to think about. Never in a million years did I think about how it would feel to only sign my name on a card to my mom on her birthday. Something as simple as a signature, became so broken.

I woke up on that morning, not wanting to even get out of bed. At the time I didn’t even want to move, let alone have to face my mom to wish her a happy birthday. I dreaded going downstairs that day. What a terrible feeling it was to try to avoid two words. As I gave my mom her gift I said, “I’m sorry mom, I just wanted to give you this.” I know nothing would ever be enough. She will no longer hear Ari come down her stairs and say “Happy Birthday.” I know you’re listening Mommy and I’m sorry. I know a sorry would never change anything but you deserve that much.

 Thanksgiving Eve. Everybody knows about this specific night “the biggest drinking night of the year”. Honestly if it wasn't for Ari, I would have never participated in this day. Ari always knew this kind of stuff. I started partying later in life than her, so I was never cool enough. Also, being from a small town this was always the best kind of night. It was the one night out of the year that you know you would see everybody who you hadn't seen all year. People came home from college or those who had moved away..they would always come home, just so they could be here to celebrate Thanksgiving. This night was one you really prepared for too. All these questions would arise a week before Thanksgiving: What are you wearing? What time are we heading out? Where are we pre-gamming? Like this night is a thing. Ari would always HAVE to be on time. We would always have to make sure Nick was there too, so Ari could “put on.” Sorry, Ari.

It was just that one night you would run into people who you hadn’t seen since high school and just make sure you were “up to par”. This was Thanksgiving Eve. What bothered me the most was not remembering my last Thanksgiving Eve with Ari. I had to let it go because I knew I had so many other memories that I could hold on to. But it sucked. We always bar hopped and ended at the bar Ari worked at. It sucked not going because I couldn't even step foot in there, way too many memories. Last Thanksgiving Eve, I had a huddle of people around making sure I was ok, I wasn’t. I don’t know how many more Thanksgiving Eve’s I’ll be able to participate in because the feeling isn't the same. It will never be the same.

Thanksgiving. A holiday that you are supposed to be giving thanks and to reflect on the things you are grateful for. I had to ask myself, “What am I grateful for?” It definitely used to be life, my family, my sister. But last Thanksgiving, my family couldn’t even have a proper Thanksgiving dinner without Ari. We received so many invitations to have dinner with our closest friends and immediate family members. There was no preparation the night before, there was no time that dinner would be ready, it was just a regular day. I remember spending half the day in my pajamas. I had a house full of friends in my room from the night before and by 12 p.m. everybody was getting ready to head home to their families. I couldn't believe that this was reality for me. I pictured a normal Thanksgiving.

I daydreamed about a house full of people, laughing, and getting together. I longed for that. It didn’t turn out all that bad. I eventually met my parents at their bestfriend’s house, but it just wasn't the same. A big chunk of me is gone and I just didn’t feel grateful at all. I do want to thank those of you who spent thanksgiving night with me, you who know who you are. I am beyond grateful.

As we approach the season of love, warmth, gratefulness, I encourage you to spread those things. Tell people you love them, and that you're grateful for them, what are you waiting for? Spread warmth to family members. Be grateful for those people who are here on earth still. Be grateful for your siblings and your loved ones. You never know when it will be their last Thanksgiving holiday. Be thankful and grateful for what you have. If you know someone who won’t have a normal holiday this year, remember to tell those specific people you love them. And last, but most importantly… if nobody tells you, I love you. Happy Thanksgiving.

[warriorgays]

!!! could you pls do bradray for the ship ask?

that post I just reblogged reminded me I owed you this from NINETEEN DAYS AGO gosh, sorry, enjoy:

who hogs the duvet: Ray. Pretty sure I’m not the only one to come to this conclusion based on the fact that he wears a hoodie in Kuwait when there are other guys walking around topless.

who texts/rings to check how their day is going: Both of them, but neither will admit it. Brad will send terse updates about his day that are supposedly totally reasonable things (ex. “I’ll be ten minutes late getting home, need to stop at the store” or “haven’t murdered anyone today”) but are secretly because he wants to hear back about how Ray is doing. Ray will send over-the-top cutesy texts and memes that are supposedly just meant to be obnoxious, but secretly for the same reason.

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts: Ray gives ridiculous and creative gifts, Brad gives gifts that are sensible and might come across as boring, but are actually very thoughtful and probably exactly what Ray wanted/needed.

who gets up first in the morning: Brad because he still has a job where he has to (hahaaaaa). He will sometimes wake Ray up at the same time out of pure vengeance though.

who suggests new things in bed: Ray suggests new things all the time, mostly as a joke, and would be totally caught off guard if Brad said yes to most of them. Brad is more likely to bring up something he actually wants to do.

who cries at movies: NEITHER OF THEM (brad)

who fusses over the other when they’re sick: Brad doesn’t fuss in the traditional sense--he stares. Like if Ray is in bed with the flu, Brad won’t say “are you too hot? are you too cold? do you need tea? do you need a bucket? should I call the doctor?” but he’ll stand there with his eyes flickering around the room thinking all those things, and then staring intently at Ray trying to decide which one is the most important to actually ask, until Ray tells him off. Ray’s caring but more practical about this kind of thing.

who gets jealous easiest: I’ve definitely answered this for them before, but--Brad gets mildly jealous more often, whereas Ray gets jealous less often but more intensely.

who has the most embarrassing taste in music: They’ll each tell you the other one does. Brad likes old-fashioned music, mostly rock and pop-rock with some light metal thrown in, Ray likes that truly bizarre combination of country, alt-rock, pop, and whatever Limp Bizkit is.

who takes the longest to get ready: The weird thing is that Ray takes more time to get ready on a casual day to day basis, like just deciding what to wear, doing his hair, whatever, but less time on formal occasions when Brad is taking more care with his appearance. Which Brad always finds really confusing.

who is the most tidy and organised: Brad “shag carpet” Colbert, obvs.

who gets most excited about the holidays: Neither of them will display open, sincere excitement about the holidays, because they’re too cool for that. Ray will display over-the-top excitement about the Jewish holidays he’s allowed to make fun of (aka everything except Tisha B’av and the High Holy Days), and genuine excitement about Purim because Purim is fucking awesome. Secretly, though, I think Brad enjoys the holidays more. He thinks a lot of the hype is overdone--will swear a blue streak the second he starts hearing Christmas music in early November--but when it comes down to it, the holidays are about taking care of the people you love and Brad Colbert is All About That.

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports: Again, obviously they’re both competitive people. If they’re with friends and everything’s chill, they’re both able to laugh it off; Ray is more likely to let things get personal if there’s any whiff of personal disrespect (as per canon). In that situation Brad’s more likely to turn cold and walk away than to get heated up.

who starts the most arguments: Depends on what you mean by starting arguments. Brad’s more likely to bring up things he’s genuinely irritated/angered by. Ray is more likely to escalate things so that something that wasn’t a big deal becomes a legit argument.

who suggests that they buy a pet: Brad. I think Ray is one of those people who never had a pet growing up who kind of… forgets that once they’re adults they can get one of their own? So they’re out at a park or whatever one day and see a dog and Brad casually asks if Ray would ever be interested in getting a pet and Ray’s like “holy shit!!! we can actually do that!!!” 

what couple traditions they have: The one day they’re not allowed to be overly sarcastic/obnoxious about is their anniversary. Sure, they’ll make a couple of “psh, we’re not one of those cheesy couples” jokes, but there’s a softer edge to them than usual, and they will actually go out to a nice restaurant or one that holds some kind of significance, and it often involves going to the beach. On more than one occasion they’ve ended the day sitting by a bonfire at night, Ray curled up against Brad with Brad’s arm around his shoulder, talking quietly or not at all. (And then obviously they go home and have crazy awesome sex, but still. It’s the closest to actually romantic that they get.)

what tv shows they watch together: They’re both totally into those History Channel shows that your dad/uncle watch--American Pickers, Pawn Stars, How It’s Made, etc. Ray also ironically-unironically watches some overdramatic scripted shows, like soap operas or Grey’s Anatomy or whatever, and will keep Brad updated on what’s going on if Brad is in earshot (he’s never actually watching them, but he’ll go “mmmhm” while working on his computer at the kitchen table or whatnot).

what other couple they hang out with: Poke and his wife win for most frequently, for sure. Of the people who stay local, they do hang out with Rudy, Kocher, and Garza and their respective partners a decent amount, and ALWAYS Walt and his partner when they’re in town. It takes them a little longer to be genuine friends with Nate and his partner, just to get over the kind of stilted “we really do like you but like mostly as a boss” dynamic, but once it happens they do hang out with them a lot, too.

how they spend time together as a couple: I think they’re both pretty busy, hands-on people who take pride in what they do. And obviously they’re super comfortable around each other, right from the start, so while they will do couples activities together, they also spend a decent chunk of time doing their own thing while talking or just sharing the same space.

who made the first move: Brad. I’m increasingly a fan of the “Brad realizes he’s in love with Ray before the reverse” headcanon, and even if I don’t think he would push the way Ray would, I think he would be the first to make a tentative advance or drop a hint.

who brings flowers home: Dear God, no, are you kidding me? (brad)

who is the best cook: Ray! Surprise surprise! Brad just can’t be bothered to put that kind of effort into making food, while Ray genuinely enjoys cooking and sees it as one of those handsy kind of skills, like fixing cars and radios, that he can take pride in.