#Bojack S5E6

[docholligay]

The best thing about this episode is the way it plays out the unique pain of grieving someone you do not love. Or worse maybe even, someone you did love, once but they disappointed you so intensely that all you can feel is rage and despair.

Bojack actually doesn't have to be giving this eulogy at all. That's not a requirement. There's no rule that says you have to have any kind of funeral at all.

But he does. And he keeps going on, even after he says that he has nothing more to say about his mother. Because he does. He has so much more to say, and there is no other place in his life where he will ever just be allowed to talk about his mother and the way he felt about her, outside of the therapy that he is absolutely not going to go to.

Complicated grief is an interesting thing, and for my money it's harder than "normal" grief (if grief is ever really normal) and that's why this is one of my favorite episodes of anything ever, is I'm not sure I've ever seen it dealt with where the emotions are so much more than just sorrow. Sorrow isn't easy, but it is simple.

But, what Bojack goes into, is anger, and disappointment.

It starts with him continuing to joke, with telling his mom to knock once if she's proud of him, and him saying how nice it is to be in a room with his mother and just be able to talk without her telling him to shut up. It's this knife tip, just working its way out of Bojack's mouth, and the jokes keep coming, but they are less funny and more this weaponized humor.

Then even that breaks down, and he starts to realize what the problem was, what the problem has always been. Even while he's realizing that he is perpetuating this same set of problems, he's thinking about the grand gesture. And how Tv convinced him that someday, he would see the one thing that let him know his parents loved him.

But it's the consistency. I love the way here, he basically yells at the coffin.

To love someone who has consistently disappointed you, to be joined with them, and the rage that comes out of that, it's so real. And Bojack can't even look at his parents and say, 'You tried" because they didn't. They didn't try even one day in their lives. Not with him. But there are so many people in our lives we allow to disappoint us over and over again, and when they die, or leave your life completely, you have this realization, that, they were never ever what you needed. You convinced yourself that maybe someday they would be, but they were never going to be, maybe they even couldn't, and then YOU feel like the fucking idiot. For wanting it. For thinking that it could happen. And then we're all Bojack here, yelling at a dead body, and it's worse than pointless, and that is part of the complication of this grief, is, not only is it not going to get any better, but you can't even offload it back onto that person. You have to swallow your role and their role in it all, forever.

And then we come back to that "Knock once." asking her if she loved him and wanted him to know that he made her life a little brighter. He knows she won't knock, he knows she can't respond. It's still a joke but it's a joke he's playing on himself.

This anger, that she was never going to be the mother he needed, comes around at the end in some of the best stuff, and this is the kind of stuff that gets it so right that it causes me physical pain.

The worst part, of someone dying, that you have a difficult relationship with, is that it will never get better. Someone disappoints you, and they disappoint you more, but then someday, they die, and they can never ever get better. They can never turn it around and they can never make it right. "My mother is dead, and everything is worse now, because now I know I will never have a mother who looks at me from across a room and says, “BoJack Horseman, I see you." WHile someone is alive, they could always get better. At one point in my life, I was a selfish, mean-spirited person who spent my days doing whatever I wanted and my nights drunk, and doing whatever I wanted. I didn't do anything that would put me out. I got better, because I lived long enough to pull my head out of my ass.

But when someone doesn't do that. When you wait for them to have some epiphany, and hold out their hand, and do better, and then suddenly, they can't, and, everything is going to be stuck, the way it is. It is the death of possibility that makes this sort of complicated grief so painful. Someone who was wonderful dies, you miss what they were, but someone difficult dies, you miss who they could have been, and that's so impossible to describe to someone that I had never seen it well done, before this episode.

[mermaidfanficlibrary]

A Free Churro?

T/W: Death, funeral, ooc, bad parent relationships, a bit deep just for a crack fic, reader is depressed. Yuu is his own person and uses he/him pronouns. Fic under the cut

a/n: sorry if this is Y/n centered and not all the characters have a reaction but this is a monologue and to sort of stay true to the actual monologue there really isn't supposed to be any response. Also writing this like super late so sorry if its incoheirent. I could do individual scenarios and go deeper into each of their reaction if this is well recieved

Heres the referance if you wanna listen along both links are the same monologue

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, Yuu, and Grimm: *All sitting in the audience of the funeral. Not knowing why they were invited, beside Yuu and Grimm. They all stare at the casket, unsure who it was.*

Y/n: *Walks out and starts the eulogy but first starts to explain why they were late* So I stopped at a drive thru place on the way here, and the girl behind the counter said, “Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?” Not, “How are you doing today?” No. “Are you having an awesome day?” Which is pretty… shitty, because it puts the onus on me to disagree with her, like if I’m not having an “awesome day,” suddenly I’m the negative one.

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, Yuu, and Grimm: *All gasp from Y/n's sudden explanation of the interaction between them and the lady behind the counter.*

Y/n: *continues to explain the interactions and how it went down* Usually when people ask how I’m doing, the real answer is "I’m doing shitty", but I can’t say I’m doing shitty because I don’t even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say, “I’m doing shitty,” then they say, “Why? What’s wrong?” And I have to be like, “I don’t know, all of it?” So instead, when people ask how I’m doing, I usually say, “I am doing so great.”

Housewardens, vice housewardens, and the Aduece duo: *Are in shock about knowing Y/n's true feelings*

Y/n: *sighed going on trying to finish the story* But when this girl at the drive thru place asked me if I was having an awesome day, I thought, “Well, today I’m actually allowed to feel shitty.” Today I have a good reason, so I said to her, “Well, my mom died,” and she immediately burst into tears. So now I have to comfort her, which is annoying, and meanwhile, there’s a line of people forming behind me who are all giving me these real judgy looks because I made the Drive thru girl cry. And she’s bawling, and she’s saying, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” and I’m like, “It’s fine. It’s fine.” I mean, it’s not fine but, you know, it’s… fine. And I would like to order a Double Burger Meal, and I’ve kinda got somewhere to be, so maybe less with the crying and more with the frying, huh? And the girl apologizes again and she offers me a free churro with my meal. And as I’m leaving, I think, “I just got a free churro because my mom died.” No one ever tells you that when your mom dies, you get a free churro.

Housewardens, vice housewardens, and the Aduece duo: *At a loss for words, not knowing how to react. Feeling unsure if they should coverse with each other or stay silent. They chose to stay silent*

Y/n: Anyway, I’m sorry, that’s not part of the... *clears their throat trying to think of what to say next* All right. Okay, here we go. Let’s do this. Here I am, Y/n L/n, doing a eulogy, let’s go. *Goes on a monologue explaining the strained relationship between their mother and them.*

Ace: *Whispers to Yuu, Deuce, and Grimm* Never knew Y/n could hate someone so much

Riddle: *Speaks in a hushed voice* Ace, be quiet and listen to Y/n!

Housewardens: *All look at Y/n seeing how much they're struggling. Vil recognizes this to be a monologue.*

Malleus: *Confused as to how someone could hate a parental figure this much.*

Riddle: *Seemed to understand the pain of Y/n hating their mother. The other house wardens just watched, worried.*

Vice housewardens: *All sit patiently, trying to understand Y/n's trailing off. Jamil had the most concern out of the vice housewardens*

Grimm: *Grabs Yuu's hands with his small paw* I'm worried for Y/n*

Yuu: *looks to Grimm with a solemn look* I am too, but let's just listen right now. Might be good for them to get it out.

Y/n: *Sighs and looks at the casket once more reminiscing about when both their parents were alive.* My dad died about ten years ago of injuries he sustained during a duel. When your father dies, you ask yourself a lot of questions. Questions like, “Wait, did you say he died in a duel?” and “Who dies in a duel?”

Aduece duo, Yuu, and Grimm: *Look at Y/n confused as to where this story is going. Ace and Deuce were trying not to laugh at the duel part.*

Housewardens and vice housewardens: *Stare at Y/n in disbelief, not knowing they could have such a messed up past. Riddle and Leona understanding the feeling of strained relationships with family*

Y/n: *Chuckled to themselves as they explain the story of their father's duel.* The whole thing was so stupid. Dad spent his entire life writing this book, but he couldn’t get any stores to carry it or any newspapers to review it. Finally, I guess this one newspaper thought he was pretty hilarious, because they ran a review and tore him to shreds. So my father, ever the proud Mary, decided he would not stand for this besmirchment of his honor. He claimed the critic didn’t understand what it meant to be a man, so he demanded satisfaction in the form of pistols at dawn. He wrote the paper this letter, saying anyone who didn’t like his book, he would challenge to a duel, anyone in the world. He’d even pay for airfare to San Francisco and a night in a hotel. Well, eventually this found its way to some kook in Montana, who was as batshit as he was and took him up on the offer. They met at Golden Gate Park and agreed: ten paces, then shoot. But in the middle of the ten paces, Dad turned to ask the guy if he’d actually read the book and what he thought, but, not looking where he was going, tripped over an exposed root and bashed his head on a rock.

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, Yuu, and Grimm: *All look at each other, then look back to Y/n. Some of them have a very clear reaction on their face while others had a straight face. They all had a similar thought in their head* 'How can someone leave their kid do fight in a duel'

Y/n: *Sees their friends' reactions, but goes on with their thoughts as it forms the on spot eulogy they are giving. Y/n starts to recall a time where they saw their mom decently okay.* My mom used to hold these glorious parties, they were really something. There were skits and magic acts, and very insensitive vaudeville routines, and the big finale was always a dance my mother did.

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, Yuu, and Grimm: *Were all intrigued at the scene. Vil had the most interist since pereforming was something he was well versed in*

Y/n: *Continues to go on seemingly imersed by the memories they had of the parties* She had this beautiful dress that she only brought out for these parties, and she did this incredible number. It was so beautiful and sad. Dad hated the parties. He’d lock himself in the study, and bang on the walls for us to keep it down, but he always came out to see Mom dance. He’d linger in the doorway, scotch in hand, and watch in awe, as this cynical, despicable woman he married… took flight. 

Yuu: *Was the most worried out of the group that was there, wanting to run up and hug Y/n as he seemingly knew where this was going.*

Grimm: *Looked at Yuu and noticed the discomfort he felt and let Yuu hold his paw* It'll be okay, Y/n will be okay.

Aduece duo: *Place a hand on both of Yuu's shoulders, seemingly comforting him. The two of them watch Y/n with sadness in their eyes.*

Y/n: *Their eyes start to water slightly as they take a shaky breath* And as a child who was completely terrified of both my parents, I was always aware that this moment of grace, it meant something. We understood each other in a way. Me and my mom and my dad, as screwed up as we all were, we did understand each other. My mother, she knew what it’s like to feel your entire life like you’re drowning, with the exception of these moments, these very rare, brief instances, in which you suddenly remember… you can swim.

Octavinelle trio: *Seemingly understood what Y/n meant by the drowning metaphore, all three of them were worried. The one who felt the most worry was Azul*

Y/n: *Looks at the casket with teary eyes, knowing this sad but beautiful memory in their head wasn't truly happy* But then again, mostly not. Mostly you’re drowning. She understood that, too. And she recognized that I understood it. And Dad. All three of us were drowning, and we didn’t know how to save each other, but there was an understanding that we were all drowning together. And I would like to think that that’s what she meant when we were in the hospital and she said, “I see you.”

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, Yuu, and Grimm:

Y/n: *goes on to explain their personal relationships. But then stops realizing they've been going on and on missing the point of where they were going. They take a deep breath.* I’m not gonna stand up here and pretend I ever understood how to please that woman, even though so much of my life has been wasted in vain attempts to figure it out.

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, Yuu, and Grimm: *Notice Y/n becoming more sad the further they go on. They all wanted to get up and hug Y/n, but thought it best for them to continue the eulogy*

Y/n: *Chuckles slightly now remembering another moment before their mother died* But I keep going back to that moment in the ICU when she looked at me, and… “I-C-U.”

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, Yuu, and Grimm: *All of them have their eyes widen as they come to a realization. They all stare at Y/n wondering if they caught what they just said*

Y/n: *Speaks slowly as tears well in their eyes. Their voice is soft as they peice everything together* “I… see… you.” Jesus Christ, we were in the intensive care unit. She was just reading a sign. 

Housewardens: *Notice the tears in Y/n's eyes as they all feel bad.*

Y/n: *sighs and looks down, not wanting to face their friends in the room* My mom died and all I got was this free churro.

Grimm and Aduece: *Stare at Y/n, unsure what they should do after the funeral survice with Y/n*

Y/n: *Looks at everyone with eyes glazed with anger and sadness. Their tone was bitter as they point outside the funeral parlor door.* You know the shittiest thing about all of this? Is when that stranger behind the counter gave me that free churro, that small act of kindness showed more compassion than my mother gave me her entire goddamn life. Like, how hard is it to do something nice for a person? This woman at the Drive Thru place didn’t even know me. 

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, Yuu, and Grimm: *Most of them seemingly understood Y/n's frustration. The only two who didn't were Malleus and Floyd, but they listened hoping to understand*

Y/n: *Looks at the casket with tears falling down their eyes. Their town is full of anger as they point at themselves* I’m your son! All I had was you! 

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, Yuu, and Grimm: *Were even more worried as they see Y/n start to cry and hear the desperation in their voice*

Y/n: *Their town shifts to a more happy tone, but its a light happinesss.* I have this friend. And right around when I first met her, her dad died, and I actually went with her to the funeral. And months later, she told me that she didn’t understand why she was still upset, because she never even liked her father.

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, and Grimm: *All look at Yuu wanting to know if he knew of Y/n's friend and who she was*

Yuu: *Ignores the stares of the others and just watches Y/n intentivley, trying to memorize every detail so he could help Y/n decompress afterwards*

Y/n: *Smiles sadly, not knowing where to land their gaze* It made sense to me, because I went through the same thing when my dad died. And I’m going through the same thing now.

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, and Grimm: *Were all curious, wanting to know more on how Y/n handled their father's death*

Yuu: *Only listened on knowing exactly what Y/n went through when their father died because Y/n told him*

Y/n: *Eyes widen once more, finding a connection between something an their mother's death* You know what it’s like? It’s like that show Becker, you know, with Ted Danson? I watched the entire run of that show, hoping that it would get better, and it never did. It had all the right pieces, but it just—it couldn’t put them together.

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, and Grimm: *All have a curious stare at Y/n and Yuu not knowing what Becker was or what Y/n was talking about, but seemingly understanding the sentamet of the connection*

And when it got canceled, I was really bummed out, not because I liked the show, but because I knew it could be so much better, and now it never would be. And that’s what losing a parent is like. It’s like Becker.

Aduece duo *look at Yuu with curious eyes.*

Ace: *Speaks first as his hand is still on Yuu's shoulder* What's Becker?

Yuu: *Doesn't look at the Aduece duo, only focused on Y/n. Speaks in a hushed town* It's a show. I'll explain what it's about to everyone later...

Y/n: *Shudders through the tears trying to finish the connection to the show they just mentioned and the moment going on right now* Suddenly, you realize you’ll never have the good relationship you wanted, and as long as they were alive, even though you’d never admit it, part of you, the stupidest goddamn part of you, was still holding on to that chance. And you didn’t even realize it until that chance went away.

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, Yuu, and Grimm: *They all have a sympathetic gaze on Y/n, some trying to understand what Y/n meant.*

Riddle and Yuu: *Seemingly were the only two who understood Y/n's desires for a better relationship witht heir mother*

Y/n: *Looks at the casket with tears in their eyes and a frustrated tone as all their friends watched* My mother is dead...And everything is worse now because now I know I will never have a mother who looks at me from across a room and says, “Y/n L/n, I see you.”

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, Yuu, and Grimm: *All gasped, minus Yuu, at Y/n's statement about their mother's death. They all felt more saddened at what Y/n had admitted to wanting to be seen*

Y/n: *Takes a deep breath as tears still roll down their cheeks* But I guess it’s good to know. It’s good to know that there is nobody looking out for me, that there never was, and there never will be.

Aduece duo, Yuu, and Grimm: *They start to feel guilty because they want to be there for Y/n, the way Y/n wants them to be there.*

Y/n: *sighs and wipes their tears away, finally accepting the realization they had* No, it’s good to know that I am the only one that I can depend on. And I know that now, and it’s good. It’s good that I know that. So… it’s good my mother is dead.

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, Yuu, and Grimm: *All shocked but try not to make any noise. They watch and see Y/n trail off trying to end the eulogy. They also feel upset that Y/n feels so alone and that they need to feel independent. Malleus feels the worst because he doesn't understand how Y/n feels.*

Y/n: *ends the eulogy and sighs, walking out of the room not wanting to face anyone*

Housewardens, vice housewardens, Aduece duo, Yuu, and Grimm: *Watches Y/n leave, unsure if they should follow or not.*

A/n: This is part my Bojack Horseman brainrot so I'm happy this is the first post! Hope it made you sad? idk it made me tear up a bit. This is part of the Free Churro monologue in the Bojack Horseman Episode Free Churro which is Episode 6 Season 5.

Taglist: @nightshade-clown

Do not repost or translate without my explicit permission! Reblogs are welcome!

[redcarpet-streetstyle]

“She was really good at dispensing life lessons that always seemed to circle back to everything being my fault”

- Bojack Horseman, Free Churro (S5E6)

[speaky-geeky]

Bojack - Bojack Horseman (s5e6, 2018)

Here’s a story. When I was a teenager, I performed a comedy routine for my high school talent show. There was this, uh, cool jacket that I wanted to wear because I thought it would make me look like Albert Brooks. For months, I saved up for this jacket. But when I finally had enough, I went to the store and it was gone. They had just sold it to someone else. So, I went home and I told my mother, and she said, “Let that be a lesson. That’s the good that comes from wanting things.” She was really good at dispensing life lessons that always seemed to circle back to everything being my fault. But then, on the day of the talent show, my mother had a surprise for me. She had bought me the jacket. Even though she didn’t know how to say it, I know this meant that she loved me. Now that’s a good story about my mother. It’s not true, but it’s a good story, right? I stole it from an episode of Maude I saw when I was a kid, where she talks about her father. I remember when I saw it, thinking, “That’s the kind of story I want to tell about my parents when they die.” But I don’t have any stories like that. All I know about being good, I learned from TV. And in TV, flawed characters are constantly showing people they care with these surprising grand gestures. And I think that part of me still believes that’s what love is. But in real life, the big gesture isn’t enough. You need to be consistent, you need to be dependably good. You can’t just screw everything up and then take a boat out into the ocean to save your best friend, or solve a mystery, and fly to Kansas. You need to do it every day, which is so… hard.

[shibusawaz]

bojack horseman s5e6 (Free Churro) monologue except its Marmeladov

[worldenough-and-time]

Bojack Horseman S5E6 Free Churro // Succession S4E3 Connors Wedding // Light From Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki // Fruits Basket Vol. 12 // Pale Green Things by The Mountain Goats

[xsenpi]

one thing thats stuck with me from watching bojack was this quote:

"Usually when people ask me how I’m doing the real answer is I’m doing shitty, but I can’t say I’m doing shitty because I don’t even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say "I’m doing shitty" then they say "Why? What’s wrong?" and I have to be like "I don’t know, all of it?" So instead when people ask me how I’m doing, I usually say "I am so great"." (s5e6, Free Churro)

how many times have I lied to by saying "i'm alright" over and over again?

is it bad to withhold about how you're doing from others?

are there even "good reasons" to feel shitty in the first place or should it be treated similarly no matter the reason?

nothing i can answer now, but its just something thats kept me up for a while since i saw that episode (peak episode btw) ig just wanted to kinda at least get it out

[mangosimoothie]

Get to know me #30

Gooood question ty for asking!!

30) Favorite TV shows

*cracks knuckles* okay

Season 1 of Russian Doll

***Bojack Horseman

Dead to Me

Severance*

I May Destroy You

Undone**

I love shows that are sardonic, irreverent, soul crushing, hilarious, the perfect blend of dram- and -edy. All those shows are perfect examples of that so if there’s one you haven’t checked out I highly recommend. ESPECIALLY undone that show is CRIMINALLY underrated and so so beautiful in every way.

*Bonus points if you’re into production design. The entire art department in this show kicked ass every single frame belongs in a museum

**Bonus points if you’re an animator or just love very artistic animation. I don’t see rotoscoping often and this show uses it in such a thematically and artistically brilliant way

***Listen, if you don’t trust me then ignore the entire first season and watch one of these episodes first: S2E8 Let’s Find Out, S5E6 Free Churro, or S3E4 Fish Out Of Water. All three do an incredible job getting right to the core of what the show is About and why it’s as good as it is, and they stand on their own pretty well so there’s minimal spoilers.

[dykeden]

just started s5. cant wait to be wrecked at 10/11pm.

[docholligay]

tumblr is being difficult in new and exciting ways today (can't see any posts on mobile and can't reply to any posts on desktop) but I just wanted to say thank YOU for the Bojack essays!! I always really love getting to see you talk about things you're passionate about, and you did such a beautiful job of breaking down how raw that episode is, the ways that it highlights how messy death and grief can be. the gut-punch of: your dying mother doesn't see you, but this random teenager at the Jack in the Box does. augh. now I've got to go rewatch it!

I'm so glad you liked it! It is such a great episode, and all the little details of it kill me every time. I have no idea how many times I've seen it, but enough that i can recite parts of it.

And yes! One of the things that i think is so good and tragic about the episode--and I can't remember if I said this--is that he comes back to AGREEING WITH HIS FUCKING FATHER, saying that it's good his mom taught him that no one was looking out for him, and there never was, and there never will be.

And, not a few minutes before, he was talking about this teenager, giving him a free churro. She had the power to do absolutely nothing at all, and yet she extended this tiny act of grace toward him, something her manager probably wouldn't even approve of, and he can't see that as some fucking statement at the divine nature of humanity, and how we DO for each other, face to face, and that's the fucking...beauty of the world. Sure, your mom wasn't there for you. That's plenty of people's fucking story. But, you focus so much on what was done TO YOU, that you can never see the things that are done FOR YOU.

There would be people there for you, if you weren't so bound and determined to poison the fucking well every day of your life.

Anyway, yes, I have a lot of feelings aout this episode ahaha

[bighistorywords]

"you never get a happy ending 'cause there's always more show" - bojack s5e6

[eldestsiblingsyndrome]

so... free churro huh...

i didn’t need my heart anyway

[paulkleefishmagic]

on death and grieving, and the mundane nature of it

swims, mount eerie / your belgian things, the mountain goats / free churro (s5e6), bojack horseman / wings for marie pt 2, TOOL / what sarah said, death cab for cutie / the last place i saw you alive, the mountain goats

[sashimiyaa]

OKAY I JUST NOTICED but in free churro (S5E6) bojack was talking about how life, despite feeling like a constant drowning, had times in which you suddenly remember you can swim. right after, a brief flashback cuts in where bojack looks up at his mother as a song plays in the background.

in S6E1, multiple flashbacks took us through bojack’s past to trace when exactly was the first time he began drinking.

there was a flashback to when bojack was around six when he drank vodka during those parties where they would play that same song (which, by context, showed how young bojack was when he was introduced to alcohol). in this scene, the melody of the song was distorted at first, but after bojack took a sip of vodka, it became clearer. that was probably trying to show us how things seem better for bojack whenever he drinks.

with that, i think the flashback scene in free churro was in young bojack’s pov in those parties where he would look up at beatrice gracefully dancing while the song plays over the din of a party. the song wasn’t distorted like it first was in S6E1, implying that in this memory, which bojack recounted as a time when he could swim, bojack was already intoxicated.

the moment when he “remembered he can swim” was whenever he fucking drank alcohol. yo i’m??

[whippedcloudsofcream]

“Leave them with a smile when you go.”

- Bojack Horseman S5E6: Free Churro // S5E11: The Showstopper

[evilyns]

S5E6 “Free Churro” - Bojack Horseman (2014-2020) // The Mountain Goats, “Love, Love, Love” - The Sunset Tree (2005) // “Superboy and the Invisible Girl” - Next to Normal (2009) // “Telephone Wire” - Fun Home (2015) // E118 “The Masquerade” - The Magnus Archives (2016-)