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legends-of-apex · 3 years

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‘The Day He Didn’t’

Robbie Reyes/Ghost Rider x Reader (angst, fluff)

Word count: 5,100

Rating: T (tw for death and grief, brief suggestiveness)

Summary: *Spoilers for Agents of SHIELD season 4* You, an agent of SHIELD and long-time resident of the Reyes household, deal with the fallout from Robbie’s “death” in episode 8. This fic mainly explores the relationship you had with Robbie and how you come to terms with his death whilst trying to take care of Gabe in his absence. Based on this request for anon. Reader is described as female.

Author’s note: I’m so sorry in advance to anyone who reads this as there so much angst! Some fluff sprinkled in there as well but mainly angst! Hope you guys enjoy it all the same! Please feel free to let me know what you think ☺️

“Cariña?” You stopped dead in your tracks, almost dropping the bundle of paperwork in your arms at the sound of the nickname only one person in the world had for you. You turned to see Robbie walking towards you with Mack and Daisy, “What are you doing here?” he asked, surprise evident on his face despite knowing your profession. The only reason he didn't have many apprehensions about helping out SHIELD in the first place was because you worked for them so he figured they couldn’t be all bad.

“I work here.” You blinked just to make sure you weren’t seeing things, “What on Earth are you doing here?”

Worry instantly seeped into your pores, and knowing it would, he took your hand in his, silently telling you everything was alright as his thumb smoothly dragged over your knuckles. He’d always avoided the authorities like the plague and you worried he’d been captured for all he’d been doing as Ghost Rider recently but given the lack of hostility towards him from the others in the halls, you guessed he wasn’t some escaped prisoner and was working with your team.

“This is your civilian boyfriend from east LA?” Daisy asked, never putting two and two together. To her credit, there were probably thousands of mechanics living in east LA and that was all you’d told her about him for fear she’d go snooping. What were the chances your boyfriend would be the one guy with a flaming head that she’d been tracking down?

They left you alone to talk and the very first thing he did was wrap you up in his arms. You were due home from SHIELD that evening. Having been away for a little over a week, he’d missed you terribly. Gabe had too although he’d never admit it. You sighed into his arms and placed a kiss on his cheek, unable to hug him back due to all the paperwork you carried.

Home had come to you rather than the other way around today, it seems.

“You know when I said I wasn’t worried about you working for SHIELD?” He grinned, “I’d like to officially retract that statement. The shit you guys have to deal with here is crazy.”

“Oh, you mean the guys with flaming heads and stuff?” You joked.

“It’s the ‘and stuff’ that has me worried now that I’ve seen it firsthand.” Your worlds weren’t so different after all and that worried him just because he knew how dangerous it was. You could take care of yourself, of that he was certain, but he never thought for a minute that you were dealing with the likes of him at your nine to five. Given how little you were legally allowed to tell him, he never asked and you never told.

“Oh please, I’m hardly ever in the field.” You assured, not wanting to worry him. What neither of you did was easy or safe but at least you got paid for what you did, he just got tired, “SHIELD is as safe as spy agencies come.”

Three days later Robbie was dead.

You quit SHIELD on the spot in favour of returning home to his little brother Gabe. Not only had the most important person in the world to him just died but the very reason for his demise was their uncle Eli.

You’d lived with him and Gabe for years, since Eli got sent to prison. Gabe had just lost the use of his legs and Robbie became the sole provider for the two of them. They needed you. And you needed them, and a place to stay. You got Eli’s old room. He didn’t mind, if anything he was glad the boys had someone looking out for them in his absence even if you spent half the week at work with SHIELD.

Robbie and Gabe still shared a room at the time despite their age but that didn’t last all too long once you moved in. Soon Gabe was sick of his brother’s late nights and when winter rolled around and the gas bill got too expensive, you were freezing in that room on your own. With the portable heater in Gabe’s room and Robbie sleeping in with you most nights anyway, it was the cold that finally pushed him out of sharing with his brother and into sharing with you.

Even though you’d been living with them for months, you and Robbie only really said you’d move in together once he shared a room with you. He kept your heart and your body feeling warm and safe. He was so endlessly, hopelessly warm in both body and mind despite everything. But it was when you moved in together that you started to notice something more than the trauma of what happened to him and Gabe that one night was bothering him. There was something very, very wrong with Robbie.

You even saw it in his eyes sometimes. The pain. The fire.

One night as you sat straddling his lap, gazing down at him with your hands braced against his strong chest, talking about what happened with Eli of all things when his eyes changed. They took on a molten orange hue. It wasn’t the first time you’d seen it but it was the first time you’d not been otherwise too… occupied…to mention it.

“Your eyes-” you started but you had no idea what else to say. Suddenly the permanent smell of burn made sense and the late nights he said he spent at Canello’s despite the lack of extra income. The Ghost Rider had been all over local news channels. He’d been targeting the same gang that shot up the car with Robbie and Gabe inside. White supremacist gangs too.

His panicked eyes searched your face, desperate for any indication of what you were thinking. His thumbs rubbed circles into the outside of your thighs as you stared at the pillow beside his head, gaze unfocused before you finally swallowed and locked your eyes with his.

“Are you...” You didn’t need to say anymore, he saw the realisation on your face and he nodded immediately. He wasn’t able to voice the answer, far too paralysed with fear as to what your reaction would be but he was done hiding this from you. To his surprise, you flung your arms around his neck and squeezed him so tight it hurt.

You wouldn’t tell Gabe, you wouldn’t tell the cops or SHIELD and most importantly of all, you weren’t going to leave him because of it.

Since then it seemed like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, made his steps a little lighter. The late nights he was out hunting were spent with you worrying about him since then, despite him assuring you that as long as that demon was in him he literally couldn’t die.

Most of the time you waited up for him so you could check him over and make sure he was okay, make sure his mind could ease and return to earth after the spike in adrenaline that came with the Rider taking over for a few hours. Although sometimes he was out so late that sleep took you despite your best efforts.

On one such night, he heard a soft mumblr of his name in the darkness of your bedroom, your voice quiet and strained with sleep. He felt his heart ache with the longing that laced it.

He crouched down at the foot of the bed so you could see that he was alright, that he was home, “Yeah cariña, I’m here.” He replied in a half-whisper, careful not to wake you up any more than you already were. He leant down to press a kiss to your forehead and recoiled at the temperature of your skin, “You’re freezing?”.

The heating got switched off again, but he didn’t need to know that right now. You made sure Gabe had the portable heater and a few extra blankets, knowing you’d have all the heat you needed once Robbie got home. “Got all the heat I need right here,” You tapped his chest softly. He was so inhumanly warm thanks to the hellfire bubbling within. Too warm for you to hold him for long in the scorching summer, but the perfect temperature for when the nights grew cold.

The moment he lay down beside you he was tugging you towards him, enveloping your body with his as much as he could. You nuzzled your face into his chest, clinging on to the fabric of his shirt. He tucked the covers in around your body before bringing his arm to rest across you, letting his fingers run a trail across your back.

“That better?” He asked and you nodded, finally able to exhale a breath at being a comfortable temperature.

“Yeah baby, thank you. Much better now you’re here.” His entire being radiated comfort, “Rough night? You look exhausted.” He truly did. Heavy bags hung beneath his eyes and he seemed like he could barely keep his eyes open.

“I am. But it always makes me feel better knowing I get to come home to you after.” He pressed a kiss to the bridge of your nose, eliciting a giggle, “You comfy?” He asked and you nodded, “Good cause I ain’t moving till well past midday tomorrow.”

“And skip your favourite meal of the day?” You questioned all whilst settling down further into the mattress beneath you, eyes heavy with sleep.

“Baby, the only breakfast I need is nestled right between your thighs.” He was so close to sleep just then that you weren’t sure he even knew half of what he was saying.

You laughed, but your tone quickly sobered, “I was worried about you,” you hadn’t heard him come in. You only realised he was home when you woke up to the faint smell of burnt material filling your nostrils as it often did when he was around.

“You don’t gotta worry about me. You know I’ll always come back to you and Gabe.”

You hummed in agreement, “You better….”

“I will.” He affirmed, pressing his lips to your forehead, closing his eyes for the night as he did.

To his credit, he did come back to you night after night, day after day until the one day he didn’t.

All you could do was watch in horror as his own uncle impaled him with spikes of solid carbon. You had seen the look on his face when it happened. He knew exactly what he had to do but it meant breaking his promise to you and to Gabe but Ghost Rider did it for him anyway. At the very least it was quick for both he and Eli, at least he hadn’t suffered.

“He doesn’t even have a grave!” Gabe was in hysterics when you told him. Although the look on your face when you came through the door that day was telling enough of what happened. No body and no death records meant no grave. Nothing to remember him by except for the people who knew him and the emptiness in that house in his wake.

“Why don’t we go make one then, huh?” You offered.

That’s how the tiny wooden cross made its way into the back garden. A sharpened end so it sank into the ground right next to another one for Eli. It wasn’t much. But it was something and it seemed to make Gabe feel better about not being able to bury them. He prayed in front of it sometimes. Religion was big in their family but he’d never really cared for it until now, knowing their parents would be rolling in their graves with Robbie not having a grave or even a body to bury properly.

Both graves were adorned with marigolds. You brought Gabe to the market each week to buy more so the scent stayed fresh. He said they were usually reserved for Dia de los Muertos, the smell and vibrant orange colour was used to bring the souls of the dead towards an altar or a grave, but he said it couldn’t hurt to leave them there whilst the flowers were in season.

The only family he had left was gone in one fell swoop. Robbie always said he dreaded the day they’d have to bury Eli and add him to the list of family Gabe lost. The thought that he’d be on that list and added to the altar alongside his parents never even crossed his mind.

Despite everything, Gabriel decided to keep going to school and you couldn’t have been prouder of him for it. And you still helped him with homework, despite some of it already seeming like it was beyond you due to how advanced the content he was learning was. You helped him out with essays a lot as he struggled with those the most. Math and science were his true favourites, business too.

You sat at the kitchen table reading over an essay he needed help with as you often did. Although now there was no Robbie to come in from work and press a kiss to your head, or your neck if Gabe was out of the room. There was no one to mess up the neat part in Gabe’s hair or steal a chip from his plate. No comforting roar of the Dodge Charger as he pulled into the drive or rustling of the shopping bags or takeout that he’d bring home. No one to coax you into his lap or out for a drive to nowhere after dinner when Gabe went to his room to game with his online friends.

You missed him. You felt the loss of him in every sense of the word. Like there was a hole in your lives and that house.

It hit you hard sometimes and then the tears would leak. There was really nothing you could do to stop it. Gabe was the same although it was usually on weekends when they’d have spent the most time together that he got the most upset. That’s when he truly felt the loss. Robbie used to take him to a nearby arcade on Saturday mornings and they’d maybe catch a movie after, forever making sure that Gabe got the childhood he never had.

“I miss him. I miss him so much.”

“I know, Gabe. I know.” You’d pet over his hair as soaked the material of your shirt with his tears. And as much as it pained you to hear it, you were always glad he cried. In fact, you encouraged him to. It was healthy and Christ did that kid have a lot to cry about. You’d never forget the way he cried when you told him what happened. He hiccuped in both grief for his brother and uncle and the prospect that he was now well and truly alone. He didn’t expect you to stay with him, he didn’t think you’d want to so when you told him that you’d stay in what was now legally his house so long as he wanted you to, he cried even harder. Neither of you had to be alone and you’d been looking after one another ever since.

These days he made a point of always hugging you goodnight, something he never really did before. And you knew that it was because he was afraid of losing you too. You might not have been family but you’d always treated each other as if you were. Now you bonded over your shared grief of losing Robbie. He was still just a kid and you didn’t put any more strain on him than he already had but he often insisted on making breakfast or dinner, lunch sometimes too so you had something good to eat at work. Meanwhile, you worked to keep the lights on, took him to school or his friend’s house, helped with homework and generally kept his spirits up.

You even went to a parent-teacher meeting with him once. He’d very sheepishly asked if you could come and said it was borderline hilarious the number of guardians he’d had come in his dead parent’s place. First uncle Eli, then Robbie and now you. A few of his teachers remembered his brother well despite him leaving the school a solid eight years prior. His English teacher said she nearly quit when she learned there was another Reyes child who’d be passing through the school as if Robbie hadn’t already nearly given her a stroke in previous years. She said he wasn’t disruptive, in fact, he was so respectful and polite that she could almost overlook the fact that he’d miss class constantly in favour of beating the shit out of the kids who bullied others or working rather than doing schoolwork.

“If I had a nickel for every note I had to send home to his Uncle, I could afford to live somewhere way less shitty than here.” She probably didn’t realise that he had to work because Eli couldn’t afford to take care of them by himself, or why he dropped out at seventeen to work full-time so he could make sure Gabe wouldn’t have to.

Those parent-teacher meetings were a drag. But it was good to know that despite everything, Gabe was still doing well and still on track for a scholarship or two.

You adored Gabe.

For all his rolling over your toes when he went off in a huff or the days where it was difficult being responsible for your dead boyfriend’s little brother. But you loved him like he was your own little brother, and tried to love him just as Robbie did.

It was his eyes that sometimes got the better of you though. He’d say good morning and produce a plate of food for you, brown eyes beaming with the morning dew. And those eyes, the same as his brother’s in colour and size, would crush you and force the memories of all times you’d gazed into those similar pools right to the surface. Gabe never could understand why you got so upset, sometimes seemingly completely at random, and you didn’t have the heart to tell him it was because he had his brother’s eyes. That the sight of his likeness was enough to turn your composure to dust.

Part of you missed working for SHIELD too. You missed your friends and the good work you did at your job. You didn't, however, miss the uniform. But even seeing the logo now just reminded you of that day. Being a civilian with a civilian job was so strange to you. There was no dealing with aliens or anything nearly as threatening on the day to day but some small part of you missed it.

Mack, Daisy and Coulson came around sometimes. Mack mainly came to check over the Charger but his face was a friendly one and you were always glad to see it. Coulson and Daisy usually came bearing groceries and news of how things were at SHIELD, with Coulson still trying to convince you to re-join after you quit on the spot when Eli and Robbie died.

“How’s Gabe?” Daisy asked, knowing he wouldn’t let her ask him herself. He blamed her partially for Robbie’s death having warned her not to get his brother mixed up in anything so dangerous as SHIELD. He hadn’t known then what his brother did at night but even now he still won’t look her in the eyes.

“He’s good. Somehow still on track for Harvard if he keeps his grades up. He’s even got a girlfriend now.” You told her and she smiled, “I think he’s trying to distract himself, keep himself busy so he doesn’t have to come to terms with the fact that he’s gone. Either that or he’s just putting on a brave face.”

Then she’d ask you the same thing she did every time she came to visit, “Are you doing okay?” and every time, you gave a weak “I will be,” in reply.

“Are you sleeping?”

“No, not really.” You were trying, truly you were. But every time you closed your eyes all you saw was the bright flash of orange that took him from you and every time you opened them you just saw the cold sheets at his side of the bed. When you did eventually get some sleep it was almost always whilst clinging to one of his old shirts on which his scent still lingered. You wouldn’t dare wear more than one or two for fear that you’d one day need to wash them all so you just cycled through his shirts until the smell on each one faded. It was the only way you could ever get to sleep.

Money was of course an issue and you received very little help from any authorities other than SHIELD due to the unorthodox nature of the situation. You weren’t a widow as you were never married and you couldn’t really be classed as Gabe’s guardian because of his age and your non-relation to him. But you’d sooner be damned than let him fall into the foster system. You’d do anything for that kid.

“SHIELD’s gone legit now. We can get you good lawyers.” Coulson said.

“Even with good lawyers, I don’t know how you’re going to sell the fact that the kid wants his dead brother’s girlfriend to be his legal guardian. Robbie doesn’t even have a death certificate.” Coulson’s heart was in the right place, it always was. But sometimes his optimism was misplaced.

Daisy’s eyes brightened, “We can forge one but Gabe would need to sign-“ you cut her off.

“No.” You stopped her from saying another word about it, “I’m not about to make him sign his own brother’s death certificate. He’s been through enough.”

It was a few weeks later when you heard a single creak in the floorboards at your bedroom doorway that was loud enough to wake you from what little sleep you had managed to get. It didn’t sound like Gabe’s wheelchair and he didn’t have any friends over so you were immediately on edge.

It smelt like something was burning, the air thick and bristled. You rolled out of bed immediately for fear that the house was on fire but then you saw a silhouette taking up most of the doorway. Based on the outline, it was a person and you stared for a second, just a second, before grabbing hold of the baseball bat at your bedside and making a move. When the shadow took one step inside your room, a hand outstretched towards you as the moonlight illuminated his features, you faltered and let the bat fall to the floor

“Robbie?” Shit, you must’ve been dreaming again. But you didn’t care.

You reached for him regardless, breath hitching when you touched something solid. You flattened your palm out on the centre of his chest where his jacket hung open, feeling the warmth and hellfire that bubbled within. His hand came to cover yours then and you looked up to see those brown eyes you’d gazed into so often and loved so dearly now damp and threatening to spill over with tears.

“I’m so sorry-“ he started but you engulfed him in a hug the second he opened his mouth. At that moment you couldn’t care less about why he wasn’t there, only that at that moment he was. You threw your arms around his neck when the tears started.

With a heave, he lifted your knees around his waist and carried you to the bedside where he sat with you in his lap.

He’d thought for so long about what to say and now that he finally had the chance, he told you everything. He told you about Eli, about the book of dark magic he’d read and been corrupted by was still around somewhere. How when he died, he clawed his way through hell. Literally. To get back to you. The demon inside him fought through hell to get back to that book and destroy it for good, he’d had the reigns fully in hell. Robbie was reduced to a passenger in his own body down there. Months without being able to live in his own skin.

“I can’t stay,” He told you, swallowing thickly, “He wants to take that book back.”

“Back?” You asked, already knowing full well what he meant. You just didn’t want it to be true.

He nodded solemnly as his jaw clenched, “To Hell.”

You held his cheek, searching his eyes. For what you didn’t know. Any indication he was kidding maybe? You didn’t find any. Instead, you only found pain and sadness. Guilt too.

“He said I can say goodbye to you and Gabe,” his voice cracked, “Then I have to go.”

He was lucky the demon allowed him that much of a privilege. It was only because the entire time he’d been in hell he had to deal with Robbie’s worrying, his longing nagging at the back of his mind. It was a courtesy only because he didn’t want to deal with that again.

“The thought of coming back to you has been the only damn thing that’s kept my heart beating. I would do anything to stay with you for good but I made a deal and he won’t let me stay until that book is gone.”

The last thing he wanted to do was give you false hope. He didn’t want you waiting up for him as you often did or putting your life on pause waiting for him to return when he had no idea when that would be. You deserved more and he wanted you to have that, even if it meant he might not have a place in your life when he did eventually return from the land of the dead. It wouldn’t be fair of him to expect that from you and so he never did.

He had that look in his eye he got when he was about to do something stupidly self-sacrificial for someone else’s sake and you weren’t about to hear it. Not now. You had a vague idea of what he wanted to say, that he never really deserved you in the first place and that he was sorry for all the pain he’d put you through, that he wouldn’t be upset when he got back if you chose to move on. But you knew he was damned and the risks and pain that came with it. And as much as he would never accept it, he was worth the pain.

You held him for as long as he could stay, knowing he was on borrowed time.

“Gabe’s got a girlfriend now. He finally made a move on Janet’s sister.” He blinked at you in awe, a smile spreading across his face, “You might wanna give him the talk before you go if you haven’t already.” As much as you loved that kid there was no way that was a conversation you were about to have with him.

He smiled wide at that and shook his head, “Already taken care of, chica.” They’d had that conversation far too early if he was being honest.

You held each other for what wasn’t nearly long enough to make up for the months apart. There was so much you both wanted to say and so little time to do it. You didn’t even know where to start, neither did he. So you just lay there in each other’s arms for as long as you could or until the demon got antsy.

You knocked on Gabe’s bedroom door and received a definitely still asleep reply.

“There’s someone here to see you.” You stood in his doorway, Robbie at your side waiting for Gabe’s eyes to open. When they did, he beamed and shouted in delight. You left them to it, not wanting to impose.

You waited in the living room, playing with the keys to the Dodge Charger in your fingers. When Robbie finally emerged from Gabe’s room, his eyes wet with hastily wiped tears, he made a beeline for you once more. “Thank you,” He kissed your forehead and tugged you as close to him as he could, “For everything you’ve done for Gabe. And for me.”

“He’s family and so are you.” You mumbled. He dragged a palm over his face again, wiping his tears.

“Gabe said I’m to ask you to marry me when I get back. To make you officially a Reyes.” You looked to him in question, “I told him that it was entirely your decision cause I’d marry you in a heartbeat. And it’s bold of him to assume you’d take my name.”

“Kid’s got some bold assumptions for sure.” You played coy, there was no way he was getting an answer out of you that easily. You knew he wasn’t asking you anyways, just telling you what Gabe had said.

“I’ll take that as a maybe.” He laughed. The prospect of marriage would never be a question for the two of you, it would always be a conversation. Something you’d decide on together.

“Take it as an order to get your ass back here and find out.” You smiled and kissed his cheek, “I love you. Please come back in one piece.”

“I love you too, Cariña. Take care of yourself,” he closed your fingers over the keys to the Dodge Charger so they were safely caged in your hand, “and my baby.”

Oh, you’d take care of his baby alright.

With one last bone crushing hug and a kiss, he was gone again. And for the first time in months, you felt whole. Even if he was going back to suffer, to trudge his way through Hell once he got ahold of that book. The promise that he’d return to you for good this time was one you knew he’d keep, no matter how long it took him to do so.

It was enough for you and it was enough for Gabe too.

The next time Daisy visited she said it’d probably be the last for a while. She and the team were in hiding from the authorities. She said she didn’t have the time to explain.

“You okay?” She asked as she usually did, knowing Robbie had been back to you before going to help them get that book back so he could bring it down to Hell.

“I will be,” you replied, and for the first time in a while you meant it.

Tagging (the horni for Ghost Rider squad): @icy-spicy @spring-soldier

#robbie reyes x reader #robbie reyes #ghost rider x reader #ghost rider #agents of shield #angst #fluff #my writing #fic #mine

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fanficmaniatic · 3 years

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The "Anti-Chat" Theory.

(Which is also why Chat Blanc 2.0 wont work and why Ladybug needs to be akumatized).

This is a turducken on my thoughts for S4 and the future of the show so just roll with it.

So, Season 4 has been wild so far, and if clues given by the writers and people involved in show are any indication, this is only the beginning, we are in for a bumpy ride and things are just going to keep getting worse.

In all the discourse revolving season 4 something that we are all mentioning is how “Chat Blanc” is still a thing and there is no guarantee it won’t happen again. If anything it now seems more likely Chat Noir will get akumatized considering the imminent Ladynoir fallout, and how Adrien is still living with his Father, as his isolation keeps getting worse. And though I am always In for some good Character angst, and I feel like it is necessary for Adrien to know about Chat Blanc, and/or for Chat Blanc to reappear, I don’t think Chat Blanc 2.0 is something Adrien nor the show needs right know.

This theory has many parts, I promise it all ties neatly at the end.

First things first, I may be a little biased, Chat Blanc is an episode I really enjoy. I love Time Travel shenanigans, and I was dying to see Adrien finally find out about his father. The heavy consequences of the episode were obviously erased, but the impact of it all still remains trough Marinette, whom we see in the episode ‘Sentibbubler’ is having nightmares about the whole thing. But still, I love the episode, and I really don’t want an “Stormy Weather 2”… which is an episode I heavily dislike, compared to THE BEST formulaic episode of the Whole show, a.k.a “Stormy Weather” a.k.a My favorite episode. So yeah, this whole first point is just me REALLY not wanting an episode called “Chat Blanc 2.0” But there is more to it, and is the fact that I don’t see how it could work out.

“Chat Blanc 2.0” is unnecessary, and the reason why is that bringing him back wouldn’t actually do anything besides perhaps bringing Ladynoir further apart. Ladybug still CAN’T know Chat noir’s identity, (Let’s be honest and admit that’s prolly s4 finale OR happening during s5) so the show would go out of its way to make his dialogue as plain as possible without mentioning his father being hawkmoth. And yes, I do realize that Chat has been bottling his emotions and it all is likely to come out during THE ladynoir fall out… But people are ignoring the elephant in the room which is that Chat Noir DOES NOT fight Ladybug.

I promise this is relevant.

Chat Noir, unless mind controlled, would never attack Ladybug. The most clear example of this is in “Gamer 2.0” when he straight up says “I could never bring myself to fight you” as he sacrifices himself for her, that added to their classic “Is us against the world, My Lady” every season finale, and Marinette’s “In case something happens to me” In ‘Optygami’, it all could pretty well be a foreshadowing of a Ladynoir fight, where Ladybug is akumatized, and Chat has to willingly fight her. Yes, one could argue that he did fight her during ‘Chat Blanc’, but it could also be read as more of him trying to make her listen.

Where am I going with this? Chat Blanc 2.0 would be unable to bring the nuance the story needs right now. Chat Blanc still wouldn’t fight his father, because I doubt they won’t leave that for season 5. Chat Blanc still doesn’t have a motive to actually fight Ladybug. But the most important part is… What would happen at the end? What would be the change? What conversation are we having? What would be different than what we got in the original Chat Blanc?

To be fair, maybe I am wrong, maybe it can work out, this is just a theory. Maybe all the things I crossed out as impossible will actually happen, but I have been watching the show for 6 years, and If I have learned something about it, is that it is a slow burn, in ALL the aspects.

So yes, I believe Ladybug/Marinette needs to be akumatized, but I also think that Adrien has to learn about Chat Blanc, and that Chat Blanc needs to reappear, having a bigger Role than just a nightmare. So… how does that tie with everything I just said? Easy, the “Anti- Chat” Theory’

So you probably remember “Anti-Bug”, one of the best episodes from season 1, where Chole tries to help Ladybug, she doesn’t listen, and Chloe ends up being akumatized into “Ladybug but evil” … In theory, that is the deal, and is no wonder I am picking Felix Graham De Vanily to fill this role.

From an animation perspective, Felix is the obvious choice, he is identical to Adrien, and if following Anti-bug’s logic in costume desing, that would mean they can reuse Chat Blanc model with no alteration needed.

Now, How would this work? By giving Ladybug a jump scare. She thinks she has to live one of her worst nightmares again, to then find out “Oh… This is not Chat Noir” while still creating enough tension, by looking scared and distraught, that she HAS to tell him that she is scared of him being akumatized WITHOUT actually needing to mention the alternative timeline. This gives Chat noir the chance to lash out, once he realizes this is part of why ladybug is keeping him away, which can lead to Ladybug’s future akumatization.

Why this way? And please hear me out. Chat Noir NEEDS to let his emotions out, and I don’t think lashing out at ladybug is the best way but I see it as necessary. Adrien needs to take on more responsibility while being Chat, but he also needs to learn how to healthy express his emotions, because he is not allowed to do that in his current situation. Ladybug being akumatized because she feels guilty about Chat Noir allows Adrien to do BOTH. Because to save Ladybug he would have to realize “My emotions are valid, and is okey to let them out, but the way I did it was not the right one”, and both Ladybug and Chat Noir would have to apologize because this whole thing is not miscommunication… is a misunderstanding of their partners character. Ladybug needs to relay more on Chat and Chat needs to take on more responsibility… it won’t happen if Ladybug is the one that needs to save Chat Noir.

Adrien needs to realize that he needs to save himself, and that there’s people outside of his father that care for him. Ladybug is this figure that he looks up to and Admires, and is from a side of his life that his father has no control over, (At least from his perspective). So if she forgives him, if they are able to fix their relationship he will realize that things can get better.

Now, going back to Anti-Chat… his deal is way bigger than just bringing The Ladynoir fight… Is about setting up seasons 6 and 7.

What do we know so far? The Love Square and Gabriel’s Hawkmoth is going to come to an end by season 5. Which has left many fans wondering “Then what is happening on seasons 6 and 7?” And the best answer we have so far is in the episode “Timetagger” where Bunnix reveals that there is a whole team of miraculous holders fighting the Hawkmoth of the future, which is by the same episode confirmed to not be Gabriel Agreste. Besides this, I think it is safe to assume that the specials are quietly setting up themes that could come back In seasons 6 and 7.

Now, when speaking about characters that could be future villains the fandom seems to have its collective mind set on two individuals: Lila Rossi, and Felix Graham De Vanily.

Besides ‘Rocketear’, (E17), ‘Wishmaker’ (E18), and the special ’Shadow Moth’s last attack’ (Eps 25&26) we don’t know the names of the episodes of the second half of the season, which is really uncommon for miraculous ladybug, and the reason they gave us as to why is “You would know who is akumatized based on the names”… Which AGAIN, is really uncommon for ML. If you have been in this fandom for a long time you’ll realize that most people working in the show don’t really seem to care about spoilers. Now, this is kinda a conspiracy theory, but If you saw that there was an episode called “Anti-Chat” would you have assume it was any one other than Felix?…. No, right? That’s what I though. Miraculous has proven that it is good at subverting expectations, so when they are pointing at something (like a Chat Blanc 2.0 episode) it may not be as we want or suspected it to be. So I think an Anti-Chat episode makes a lot of sense.

Now, Why am I saying that this can set up future season? Buckle up, pals, here we go. What do we know about Felix?

He is evil, or at the very least seems to be ill-intentioned, if his attitude and look at the end of his episode is anything to go by.

He is after jewelry. Which, yeah, was only shown in that one episode he appeared, but this could pretty much be a foreshadowing of him later on going after the miraculous.

We know that he is bound to appear 3 more times

For this theory to work, I need it to happen in episode 22… Yes, the feared 100th episode of the show. It is not as important why Felix is akumatized, but what is happening WHILE he is akumatized.

Besides what has already been discussed, with Ladybug being scared, Ladynoir should not be able to work together. They are tumbling on each other because Chat Noir feels like she doesn’t trust him, but Ladybug NEEDS his reassurance right now, which he wont give.

This, is directly parallel with what is happening between Anti-Chat and Shadow Moth. Because Felix, even though he wants the miraculous, he won’t let himself be bossed around. He is demanding things from SM, and like in Robustus, Anti-Chat tries to, not just take Ladybug’s and Chat noir’s Miraculous, he wants to destroy Hawkmoth too. Which will lead to Shadow Moth being the reason he gets de-akumatized, instead Ladybug and Chat Noir saving him... bringing more fuel to the Ladynoir fire.

Now, Why should Felix have an attitude with Shadow Moth? Well, my friends… Do you remember, years ago, when the producers of the show said “The peacock miraculous holder will make Hawkmoth look like a baby”…. That’s not Mayura. Nathalie is a great miraculous holder, and she is really clever. But instead of making Gabriel look like a baby, she makes him look smart because he has someone like her on his team. What I am saying with this is that Felix, will suspect/ figure out Gabriel is Hawkmoth at the en of Anti-Chat, and that he will get the peacock miraculous during “The Last attack of Shadow Moth.” Thus, setting up a villain for future seasons.

This makes Felix 3 appearances be: In episode 22 (Anti-Chat), In episode 26 (SM last attack, part 2), and during S5’s finale. Felix situation will be much like Lila’s during s1 and s2 where she was introduced at the end of the first but not used until the end of the second.

Conclusion:

Felix Graham de Vanily has the potential to be a future villain and bring the Ladynoir conflict to finally surface.

And to clarify, The Ladynoir conflict, just like this Felix theory, is not something that will, nor can get resolved in one episode. If anything the fight will be around the end of season 4, and it will get resolved during season 5.

But again, this is just a theory, and I will probably be death wrong, but who knows?

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flightfoot · 3 years

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My ranking of Sentibubbler, Rocketear, Mega Leech, Crocoduel, and Wishmaker

Since it looks like it’s gonna be a bit before we get some new ML episodes (seriously it’s been nearly a month since the last one and we STILL don’t have an exact date), I figured that I’d rank the episodes we already have, giving my reviews of them along the way. I already ranked the first nine released episodes, which is why I’m only doing the next five right now. At the end of the season I’ll probably rank all of season 4′s episodes together, but with less in-depth reviews because that would be INSANELY long and no one would read it.

I’ve enjoyed all the season 4 episodes so far and this was a pretty good batch in general, but some of them still have to be further down the list, sadly.

5. Mega Leech

This one was hands-down my least favorite of the batch. I liked Ladybug’s speech to Mylene about how being brave doesn’t mean being fearless, and Mylene and Ivan standing up against eco-washing corporations, even defying Mayor Andre to do so, was pretty cool. I found it interesting that they’d tried to tell their classmates about what was going on for AGES, but hadn’t gotten their attention until now, and the class didn’t even remember it. Just nice to see Mylene and Ivan having their own problems and goals that, since we normally just follow Marinette and Adrien, we don’t really see.

Personally though, I just found it kind of forgettable. A fun enough episode, but not much more. I’ve always been okay with Mylene, but never found her super interesting, and this episode didn’t change that. The Gabriel and Adrien scene at the ending was interesting, but raised more questions than it answered.

In a season as chockful of plot and character development as season 4, Mega Leech came off as filler.

4. Rocketear

So all four of these next episodes are AMAZING, so the rankings might shuffle around in my final season 4 ranking, since they’re pretty close to each other.

Rena Furtive looks awesome, and I really love how we got to see Alya and Nino dealing with their own emotional issues, having their viewpoints shown. Poor Nino had the world conspire to make him think that Alya had fallen for Chat Noir. His detective-noir setup was hilarious!

Got some major bombshells too, with Adrien finding out Alya’s and Nino’s superhero identities AND that they knew who the other person is, that they know each other’s identities. Something which he doesn’t react well too, and for good reason. Gives some delicious drama and angst and exploration of Adrien’s emotions and feelings.

Really appreciated what the episode did with Alya too! She has her own wants and needs. She really wants to be able to show Rena Furtive off, but understands why she can’t - she was the one who came up with the ruse in the first place, after all. Doesn’t stop her from really, really wanting too though. Enjoyed seeing her banter with Chat Noir too, they both give as good as they take.

Best of all, Alya put her own mental and emotional well-being and her relationship with Nino ahead at the end. She tried lying to Nino, she understood why Marinette asked that from her, but it helped lead to this awful misunderstanding. Plus she’s seen how much Marinette’s struggling with keeping all of her secrets, how much it’s impacted her relationships, and decided that she doesn’t want to get to that point.

Reminds me of Gang of Secrets, with how Marinette pushed all her relationships, all her friends away to keep her secret, but then finally caved so she could get some support. Alya hadn’t reached that point, but I can see why she’d try to head it off, not let it ruin her relationship down the line.

3. Crocoduel

I think I’m in the minority with this one, but I had a blast with Crocoduel! Tigress Pourpre was GORGEOUS, we got some of that Couffaine family drama I’ve been asking for since “Truth”, and a bunch of interesting conflicts and misunderstandings, and just... the exploration of emotions was great.

Really loved what it did for Juleka and Luka especially. Juleka got some nice character development, being able to make herself heard. And as for Luka, we got to see that the class are as much his friends as Marinette’s, that they love and care for him and want him to feel better. Seriously, that scene where all of them hug Luka and tell him how much they care for him was great!

Misunderstandings, conflicts, and fears abounded this episode, with Marinette being nervous about talking to Luka, both for her own sake and because she was afraid of hurting him more, Juleka feeling ignored and forgotten by Jagged, Marinette asking Juleka to try to ward Luka away from hers and his birthday party, and Jagged and Anarka’s pissing match. Confrontation and communication saved the day this episode.

I really love complex emotions and conflicts being explored and resolved, so I love this episode!

2. Sentibubbler

This episode might as well be named “Why Alya Is Awesome”. Seriously, Shadowmoth had her on the ropes, with Marinette, Nino, and her family all held hostage, and she played him like a freaking fiddle. And it was HER plan too, something she came up with and implemented herself during an extremely stressful situation! It convinced me that if the need arose, Alya could take over as the planner. Which makes sense, since Marinette’s been training Alya to basically be her backup in case something happens to her.

The fallout from the first half of the season with Chat Noir being sidelined and generally not seeming to be as needed came to fruition this episode, with him getting really frustrated at being left out again, after already not getting to the battle in time in Optigami. A lot of us had noticed him getting less focus and action had really, really hoped it was part of the story arc, that it’d be addressed, so it was good to see confirmation on that.

1. Wishmaker

It was a tough fight between Sentibubbler and Wishmaker, but overall I found Wishmaker to be more fun while still being a really plot and character heavy episode. It made me like Luka and Alec quite a bit more, which I did NOT expect with Alec. He’s always been a bit of a jerk, but that was really explored and explained this episode, and I liked his character development.

As for Luka, I’m just glad he had more focus NOT centered around his relationship with Marinette. HIs interactions with croco-jagged were hilarious, and it was nice to see what he wanted to do for a living.

Really interesting that he discovered Ladybug’s and Chat Noir’s identities, and DIDN’T tell Ladybug. I’m curious to see where that goes.

Oooh, and Adrien’s dream, or lack of one - that was heartbreaking. The fandom’s talked about Adrien not really knowing what he wants, but to see it addressed like this... it was great. DAMN though, his dream being to be what his parents wanted him to be, and for him to have that dream since he was an INFANT? That hurts.

The akuma was really fun in general, giving us Croco-Jagged and Pickled Banana. I rewatched it twice in one day, and loved it both times!

#miraculous ladybug #ml rankings #mega leech #rocketear #crocoduel #sentibubbler #wishmaker

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slytherinbarnes · 3 years

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Seasons Change [4]

iv. i will wait for you (as the leaves fall to the ground)

pairing: Steve Rogers x reader

word count: 1.4k

warnings: a little angst.

summary: despite running, the fallout from rome eventually catches up with you.

a/n: alright, that’s it!!! this is a wrap on this miniseries! please let me know what you think, I hope you enjoyed this series!

previous chapter // series masterlist // full masterlist

September 22, New York City.

The first phone call comes the day after you leave Rome, while you’re strapped into a Quinjet and heading to Siberia.

You know it’s Steve, because so few people have your number for your phone, and when the call comes in you put your phone on silent and slide it into your bag, not ready to confront the reality of what you discovered while playing pretend with Steve in Rome.

You’re falling in love with him.

When you initially proposed the friends with benefits arrangement, you thought there was no way you’d be the first to break the agreement and get attached. You’ve always been good at avoiding connections with others, and you thought Steve would be no exception. It seems as though you underestimated the pull of his personality though. He’s magnetic, and you can’t help but want to be around him.

And maybe he feels the same, you did see his drawings of you, but maybe those mean nothing, and admitting to your feelings will just have you making a fool of yourself. You don’t want to be the first to admit that you failed, that you broke the agreement, so you decide to run from your problems instead, the way you always have, burying yourself in work and using it as an excuse to avoid reality.

Steve calls again when you’re in Mozambique.

And Paris.

And Florida.

And Brazil.

But after a while, he stops calling. And the realization is heartbreaking.

In September, Fury says no more. Even he can tell you’re getting run down and clearly using work as an excuse to run from your personal life.

He puts you on a mandatory month long break, and after that he promises that your missions for the rest of the year will be stateside, giving you time to get your life together, giving you time to slow down and stop running.

When you land in New York, you realize that you missed the city more than you realized. The first thing you do is call your parents and tell them about your break, promising to visit them as soon as you get settled in. You hear an excitement in your mother's voice that you haven’t heard in years, and you realize now it’s been a while since you’ve been home, your longest time away yet, and maybe now, it’s time for you to stop running from everything.

No more running from your parents, or your trauma, or the memories of your brother. It’s time for you to sit down and figure everything out, time for you to visit your parents and talk about your brother and what his loss has meant to you, done to you. Time for you to admit your feelings to yourself, and to Steve, even if it ruins things between you.

Of course, that’s easier said than done.

Instead of heading to the Avengers Compound and staying in the room you have there, you go to your apartment instead, the one you just can’t seem to let go of. It's the first place you moved to when you got to the city, and it’s rent controlled, which makes it even harder to give up. You’re not here much anymore, but strangely, it’s still home to you.

More importantly, you have no chance of running into Steve here.

You spend the first week home catching up on any remaining paperwork and reading the same three books on your barren bookcase. On day 9, you switch on the TV, only to switch it off again within minutes, too overwhelmed with the choices of what to watch. Instead, you dig out an old puzzle, one of the few belongings in your apartment, and you spend two days piecing it together, listening to music as you work. On day 12, you wander to the fridge for a snack, only to pull the door open and find the shelves empty, wiped clean of the food you bought when you first arrived back home.

Sighing, you head to your room and pull on some pants and shoes, deciding a quick grocery trip will help to kill some time. You walk to one of the markets nearby, the late afternoon sun casting long shadows on the walls of the buildings lining the street, and a crisp breeze blows around you, promising an approach of fall.

When you reach the store, you grab a basket, looping your arm through it as you wander through the aisles, grabbing anything that sounds appealing to you. Wandering through a store without a list, and while hungry, is dangerous, and soon your basket is full of snacks and no meals. Making a deal with yourself, you decide the snacks can stay as long as you get a few other things to go along with it. Heading towards the produce, you grab a few things for salads and sandwiches, before deciding a head of lettuce should round out your basket and complete your trip.

As you reach for one of the heads of lettuce, another hand closes on top of yours, you and someone else reaching for the vegetable at the same time. You lift it and turn, intending to offer the head to the other person and grab a different one for yourself, only to drop it when you turn and lock eyes with Steve. His brows shoot up when he locks eyes with you, clearly surprised to see you in New York, and you send a silent curse to the Universe for making you do this now. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Steve smiles a little, the air between you tense and awkward. “When did you get home?”

“Uh… two weeks ago.”

His brows shoot up again, and he mutters, “Really?” You swear you hear disappointment in his voice, and it makes guilt flood your system. “Wow, that’s great.”

“Yeah.”

The air is thick with tension, and you squirm, aware that both of you now know that you’re avoiding him, no longer able to use work as an excuse. Steve shakes his head a little, turning to sit his basket on the ground, deciding to jump head first into the conversation. “I thought things were good after Rome.”

“They were!”

“Then why have you been avoiding me? You just up and left Rome, no note or anything, and you haven’t answered any of my calls.”

“I was-” You cut yourself off, about to use work as an excuse again, and you remember your earlier conversation to yourself. No more running. “I think I’ve been lying to myself.”

Steve shakes his head, not understanding. “What do you mean?”

Someone brushes past you to grab a bundle of carrots, and you almost laugh at the situation; confessing your feelings in a grocery store, after spending nearly two weeks straight locked up in your apartment, avoiding everyone. “I have feelings for you.”

Steve looks surprised again, and you hear him suck in a sharp breath, so you barrel on, wanting to get the confession out before he stops you. “And I know I shouldn’t say that because of our arrangement, but I feel like I should tell you because I promised myself I would stop running from everything.”

“What about work? We’re both always so busy, and-”

“I’m not.”

“What?”

“I’m not too busy, I mean. At least, not for the next few months. I spent 9 months away from home this year, and Fury decided to ground me for a few months and only take missions stateside, at least through the end of the year. I have a few things to take care of with my parents, but other than that, I’m free.”

Steve nods once, but says nothing, his eyes watching you closely. You want to squirm beneath his gaze, waiting with bated breath as he looks at you, but you force yourself to stand tall and wait for the rejection. “I’ve been thinking about stepping back more, letting Bucky and Sam have more responsibility.”

“So what are you saying?”

“No more running.” Steve steps forward, both of his hands reaching out and grabbing you, pulling you towards him quickly and crashing his lips to yours. You drop your basket, hearing it clatter by your feet as you reach out and grab Steve, pulling him close to you. You lose yourself in the kiss, realizing now how much you missed this, and Steve seems to feel the same, because he lets out a soft sigh before he pulls away and whispers, “I have feelings for you too, and I want to do this if you do.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

You look around, awkwardly realizing that you’ve confessed your love and drawn the eyes of other shoppers while standing in front of the lettuce. You reach down and grab your discarded basket, standing up straight again and looking at Steve. “So, what now?”

“Well, I heard you have a thing for cinnamon rolls, and I just so happen to know the perfect place to get some. All you have to do is say yes.”

Without hesitating, you reply, “Yes.”

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers smut #steve rogers x reader smut #steve rogers fanfiction #marvel fanfiction

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refinedbuffoonery · 4 years

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Why 5x10 is So Good

I’ve been saying this since the episode aired, but this episode is written so well, and it can actually teach you a lot about conflict and plot. This is not a ship thing. This is a writing thing. Full breakdown under the cut because this is super long:

Where the episode starts:

Codex is underground

Phoenix team finally at a healthy + trusting place

Mac wants to take the next step with Desi

These are our three plot lines. I’ve color coded them to show how these develop and effect each other throughout the episode.

Introduce Conflict #1:

Reasonable suspicion that Codex is stirring >> team needs to investigate

EFFECT: interrupts Mac’s plan to propose to Desi

Conflict #2:

It’s not Codex. It’s Murdoc.

Murdoc threatens to kill a whole bunch of people via earthquakes if Mac doesn’t play his game.

RESOLUTION = by end of episode

This is the “main” episode plot, aka the problem the Phoenix team is trying to solve. But, this alone would make a boring episode, so the next level of conflict (Murdoc spilling secrets) is what initiates character development and makes the episode interesting.

Conflict #3:

Murdoc hacked their comms + now knows 3 months of secrets

RESOLUTION = by end of episode

Something to note here is that the writers chose not to have Riley get blamed for not noticing the hack. That’s a logical train of thought someone might have, but the fact that no one blamed her shows the team’s growth as a unit. (Side note: if someone did blame Riley, I’m it would’ve been Russ. However, this would be a backward step in terms of character development for him.)

Conflict #4 (aka Secret #1):

Murdoc reveals Matty worked with Elliot Mason

EFFECT: tests Mac’s trust in Matty

RESOLUTION = immediate

Murdoc’s secrets are an easy way to build tension. He reveals one at a strategic time, and then the Phoenix team has to deal with the fallout. Here, Mac has a choice about how to handle this news. He takes the understanding and forgiving route, which makes this secret lose all of its power. Forgiving Matty means that this secret can’t break the team apart in the way Murdoc wants it to. So, this conflict is quickly resolved (unlike the episode-long conflicts).

After this conflict is resolved, the audience (and the characters) get a quick break before the tension starts building again. We’re back to “let’s stop Murdoc from killing people” (which is the main plot). But this doesn’t last long.

Conflict #5 (aka Secret #2):

Murdoc reveals Riley’s feelings

EFFECT: world shattering news for the love triangle

RESOLUTION = semi-resolved

Arguably, this was the most impactful instance of raising the stakes in this episode. Certainly, it was the most emotional one. Even if you don’t ship MacRiley, every one can feel empathy for Riley in this scenario. (Poor thing.)

This plot thread is part of the long-running romance/relationship plot that began in the WW2 bomb episode in season 4. To have an interesting TV show, there needs to be a smaller plot that begins and is resolved in one (or occasionally two) episodes, as well as a season-long plot (or multi-season, in the case of romance).

Conflict #6:

Surprise. Andrews (General Ma) is here too.

EFFECT: job got a lot harder with two psychos on the loose

RESOLUTION = end of episode

In my opinion, this reveal isn’t super impactful, mostly because Andrews isn’t established enough as a big villain for me to immediately fear him the way I do Murdoc. This one is more build-up for future stakes-raising than anything else.

Conflict #7 (aka Secret #3):

Murdoc forces Russ to reveal Leanna’s death to Bozer

EFFECT: Bozer is pissed >> continued trust issues between Russ and Bozer

RESOLUTION: actively resolved in following scenes + end of episode

While this revelation felt like a knife to the chest, it doesn’t actually do a ton for the overall plot. Leanna’s death was about cleaning up loose ends, but it did present an opportunity to develop Russ and Bozer’s relationship. Clearly these two still have some work to do, although Russ definitely learned something by the end.

Conflict #8:

This is an execution. And a Codex power grab by Andrews.

EFFECT: progression on the Codex plot

RESOLUTION: end of episode

This is the high point of the episode plot. The team is trapped in Murdoc’s clutches, and now Mac is going to be executed on an evil Zoom meeting in Andrews’ attempt to elect himself as Codex’s new leader. But, Bozer saves the day.

The Fallout:

Murdoc + Andrews thrown back in prison

Codex officially dismantled

Relationship development between Russ + Bozer

Team now grieving Leanna

Riley + Mac talk (still in Mexico)

Mac back where he started, thinking about how to propose

Now that we’ve reached the end of the episode, most of the conflict is resolved, but some of it isn’t. More specifically, the episode-specific plots are all resolved, but the longer running plots are not. Russ and Bozer still need to work some stuff out, and Mac and Riley really need to work some stuff out. Also, Mac now has to figure out where he and Desi go from here.

Which leads to...

Conflict #9:

Mac goes to Riley’s apartment that night (not Desi’s) and asks if her feelings went away

EFFECT: Riley has to choose whether to finally admit her feelings or continue lying

RESOLUTION: none; cliffhanger ending

Besides making every MacRiley fan absolutely lose their mind, ending the episode by introducing a new conflict serves as the catalyst for the next episode. While we feel satisfied that Codex is finally out of the picture, not resolving all three plot lines makes fans want to watch the next episode. (In this case, it makes fans very desperate to see what happens next.)

So, what can aspiring writers learn from this?

This episode clearly illustrates how to introduce increasingly intense, but still logical, conflicts that continually raise the stakes of a story. All too often, people write insane plot twists for shock value, rather than grounding their twists in the story they’ve already written (as this episode does). In addition, managing multiple plot lines is hard. It’s all too easy for one plot to outshine the others, so it’s important to find the right balance between them and not let the subplots overtake the main one.

My Advice: When you’re planning your next story, try outlining it in terms of conflicts, like I did above. Not only will this help you come up with a complete plot, but it will also teach you the importance of cause and effect in writing. Every action has a reaction, and once you learn how to use that, your writing will improve tremendously.

#IF YOU ARE A WRITER OR WANT TO GET INTO WRITING READ THIS #I'M ABOUT TO TEACH YOU SOMETHING #macgyver #season 5 thoughts

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xiaodejunletsact · 5 years

Text

8 letters | park jisung

word count: 18,247

genre: highschool!au, baseball player!jisung, a lot of angst and fluff. childhood friends to enemies to friends to lovers lmao

warnings: mentions of bullying, a lot of emotional baggage from jisung’s part, physical fighting, basically lots of high school angst.

author’s note: hey everyone! im finally back from the dead lol, thank you to everyone who has waited to long for this and sent me nice messages, they really encouraged me :) anyway, a couple of things you guys should know before you start are: i tried to make this jisung a lot like real jisung idk if i did but i hope it worked lol and i tried to make as unfiltered of high school experience as you can get. so jisung faces bullying and social pressure in this and the 2000 line and chenle are all the same age as jisung in this. its a long one but i really hope you like it! thank you! (Btw!! this one is for all my 2002 liners who are going into senior year, lets make this year the best one yet!)

synopsis: 4 years ago, you and jisung’s long term friendship came to an abrupt end. now in senior year, the two of you find yourselves being forced together again by your mothers. suddenly, jisung begins to ask himself what is more important: his reputation or you.

alternatively;

if all it is is 8 letters, why is it so hard to say?

It had been a long time since you sat at the polished marble table that resides in the Park Household. The mix of colors on the table are weaved with bittersweet emotions as you stare down at them, the spaghetti his mother had served you grew cold as you took in the words your parents were throwing at you.

“We know you guys don’t really get along as well as you used to but the streets are getting dangerous nowadays. Just the other day they jumped a kid from your school!” Your mother says, exasperated. Her eyes were wide as Jisung’s mother nods her head in agreement across the table. The conversation has been going on for a half hour now, despite your clear distaste for the argument.

“I get that, mom. I just don’t see why I can’t just walk to school with Renjun.” She sighs at your words, making eye contact with Jisung’s mother across the table. You tear your gaze away from them to Jisung who scoffs in response to your words. “Is there something funny Jisung?”

“Our moms want us to go to school together so we can be safe, and you want to walk with that twig? He can’t protect you for shit.” He spits out at you, his mother giving him a warning to watch his language before you reply.

“And you can?” He falters momentarily at the sharp gaze you send his way, before shooting one back. Your stare down ends only when your mothers tell you to settle down.

“Jisung has a car now, y/n. It’s safer and you won’t have to take the walk to school every morning… I don’t see why you can’t just do this.” She looks at you with a pleading look, the type she knows you’ll give into. You shift your gaze away from her face and sigh. Jisung speaks up.

“Shouldn’t I have a say in this? It’s my car!” He sounds as frustrated as you feel. His mother laughs.

“Remind me, who pays that car?” This shuts him up immediately, producing a chuckle out of you while he huffs. Your mothers watch the interaction with a sigh. “Please guys, we just want you to be safe. You guys used to be best friends! How hard can it be to spend 20 minutes together?”

Very hard.

The air in the car is thick when Jisung picks you up the next Monday morning, the silence between you two is filled with an indie pop album that plays on the radio when you get in.

The inside of his car smells strongly of cologne, though it’s unfamiliar to you. You figured he started using it after you guys stopped being friends; it wouldn’t be the only thing that has changed while the two of you were apart. Like the bright laughter and easy conversations that one surrounded you two, that is now replaced with thick silence and tension. There’s also Jisung, who seems a lot more mature now, who joined the baseball team and became one of the most popular guys in school or the fact that he has a car and also the fact that he hasn’t talked to you since he told you he didn’t want to be friends anymore at the beginning of your freshman year of highschool.

Even now, you try to figure out what changed. What tables turned in Jisung’s head that caused him to react the way he did towards you. At the time, you supposed it was one of those friendship fallouts you see in movies, where things just don’t work out; that’s what split you two apart. However, you know that wasn’t the case when Jisung arrives the following week to school, contacts replacing his round glasses you loved so much and his arm wrapped around Jessica - the most popular and bitchiest girl in school. You recall the nauseating feeling you got when you saw him; it being the exact moment you realize that things had really changed, that this wasn’t just a friendship fallout, Jisung cut you out of his life so he could start a new one.

Without you.

Though it took a while, you began to realize that the Jisung you knew was long gone, no longer will he be fanboying to you about a new video game he’s into or a baseball game he has watched over and over. No longer will he be putting cute sticky notes in your locker. No longer was he your best friend. He was now popular guy every girl in school had a crush on, that wears his hair up and hangs out with the resident school asshole jocks.

The best thing you could do was ignore it, pretend it didn’t happen by stuffing all of his things deep in your closet and never looking at them again. You occupied your thoughts by making new friends and picking up new hobbies, which led you to Renjun -who helped you through everything and was there for you when Jisung wasn’t. He took your mind off things and kept you busy and although he was your rock and you appreciate his company and friendship immensely, there are still times where you find yourself falling down the rabbit hole of questions and thoughts surrounding the Jisung situation.

When your mother suddenly starts questioning what happened, where he is and saying that she misses him. You can only shrug as your mood dampens at his mention, rushing to your room and holding down the words that are threatening to escape:

Me too.

Your thoughts are interrupted by the sound of an opening car door, you barely have any time to process the scene in front of you because Jisung is already rushing into the gates of the school. Leaving you alone in his car.

You watch as he jogs up to his jock friends and becomes one of them. He puts on his baseball jock skin and fits right in like he was never the boy who would sneak into your house when he was feeling lonely.

He wasn’t anymore.

You unbuckle your seatbelt and exit the car and walk into school, preparing to do what you do best: pretend it doesn’t matter.

You try especially hard to pretend it doesn’t matter as you wait for Jisung outside the school for two hours after the dismissal bell has rung. Your foot taps impatiently on the ground as you send him a 4th text asking him where he is. You can’t help but feel embarrassed; he stood you up, left you stranded on there and is on his way home probably laughing his ass off.

You were foolish to think he would actually hold up his end of the deal and just be a good human being this once. You sigh and shake your head, trying to brush off the embarrassment off your mind as walk towards the school gates, starting the journey to your house. Trying your best to not think about it until the sound of your shoes against the sidewalk is disturbed by the sound of Jisung’s voice.

“Hey!”

He’s standing near the entrance of the school, his hair wet, his torso covered is a loose T-shirt, different to the one he was wearing this morning and his chest was heaving like he had been running. You’re too far away to tell if the look on his face is upset or confused. “Where are you going? Get in the car!” You scoff at him and march your way up to him. Pointing an accusing finger at him you spit out.

“You left me waiting here for nearly 2 hours! I was going home!” Jisung looks at you with a confused expression before shrugging his shoulders.

“I had baseball practice, I thought you knew.”

“How would I know? I don’t keep up with the baseball team. You didn’t tell me either.”

Jisung sighs and open the door to the passenger gets side, “Can you just get in so we can go?”

After staring harshly at him for a few seconds, you reluctantly get into the car. Jisung closes the door behind you and you watch as he walks around the car to the drivers side, seating himself before starting the car.

At first you drive in silence, which you figured is better than fighting, until Jisung turns down the radio.

“Since the season is starting, I’m gonna have practice everyday after school for the next few weeks.”

You nod at his words silently planning in your head what the hell you're going to do at school for 2 hours. Before you can think of a reply, Jisung turns up the radio, signifying the conversation is over. You bitterly settle back into your seat.

When you arrive to your street, Jisung pulls into his driveway and just like this morning, rushes out of the car and into his house like you have the plague, without sparing you a word.

You cross the street from his driveway to your own and look back at his house one last time. The light of his room is turned on now, you can see his silhouette faintly through the curtains as he moves sound his room. You shake your head as you look away, rushing into your house without looking back.

Maybe it’s the fact that you’ve interacted more with Jisung in the past two days than to have in the past two years or maybe you were just feeling nostalgic, because there could be no other reason you find yourself reaching into the deepest part of your closet later that night, taking out the box for the first time since you bid that part of your life farewell all those years ago.

It’s covered in a thick layer of dust that floats through the air as finally bring it out. You take a seat on the floor of your room and place the box in front of you, taking a deep breath before taking out the first item. A handheld mirror.

You instantly find yourself smiling, the mirror had been a birthday gift from Jisung. You flip it to see the faded words written on the back, that cause your eyes to gloss over:

“E`````very time you tell me that you hate the way you look, I lose brain cells bc you’re one of the prettiest girls out there. Please see what i see. Happy birthday, y/n - Jisung <3”

You remember using the mirror for practically everything after receiving it, feeling that it somehow made you beautiful. You turn it once again and look at your crying reflection, and you can’t help but think that maybe the effect has worn off after so many years.

Wiping your tears, you continue to pull out items which mostly consisted of small drawings, key chains and picture frames. The last thing in the box was one of Jisung’s sweatshirts he had given to you a few days before he told you he didn’t want to be friends. You pull it out and examine it, you had worn it many times before he had given it to you but it still had his smell lingering on it. You don't know why but suddenly you’re being engulfed in his scent and your body is covered in warmth, the hoodie wrapping around you feeling so familiar it brings tears to your eyes once again.

You decide that you didn’t care if this was Jisung’s hoodie. It’s your hoodie now and you can wear it whenever you want (of course deep down you know that’s just an excuse to feel close to him once again.)

Just as you’re about to start putting the items back in the box, you notice an envelope at the bottom of the box. You gasp gently as you pick it up, hands wrapping around the old worn out envelope, thick from all its contents. You spill them onto the floor and feel a tear drop down your cheek as you see all the different colored sticky notes splayed across your floor, all containing motivating messages and small drawings to make you smile. Jisung would give you one everyday and you would give him one in return, although you doubt he has kept his.

Hundreds of papers that accumulated during the long years of friendship stare back at you. You cry as you read through them; some sweet, others silly and some that made your heart flutter even now. You try your best to stop your tears as wonder how all of these notes that meant the world to you, could cease so easily as if it never mattered. But then again, after the way things played out, you figure it never did.

Your interactions with Jisung for the rest of the week consists of nothing bit of small talk and one word responses. Until 4 days later, on Friday morning, Jisung breaks the silence after turning down the radio.

“You know, you should wait by the bleachers after school from now on.”

His words produced a confused look on your face. The bleachers? You had just found a comfortable spot at a picnic table where there wasn’t many people that you comfortably do homework while you waited for him after school. “Why? What’s wrong with the picnic table?”

Jisung’s grip tightens on the steering wheel as he searches his mind for a response, “It’s outside of the campus, something could happen to you.”

Your eyes widen as you take in his words, did he just imply that he cares about you? After all these years, is the caring Jisung you knew coming back to you?

“And my mom would kill me if something happened to you.” He adds, you’re sure that if he were to have been looking at you, he would have seen you visibly deflate. You should’ve known better.

“I’ll be fine at my picnic table by myself.” You miss the perplexed look Jisung tried to conceal as you disagree with him. He rushes to search for another excuse to get you to do as he asked.

“The,” he pauses before adding quickly, “your picnic table is at the farthest point to the parking lot, i have to wait an eternity for you to get there after practice!”

You scoff at his selfishness and look out the window, “I’d rather you wait a bit than expose myself to those man eating baseball jocks.” It is a mutter, but Jisung hears every word.

“Man eating baseball jocks?”

“Yes, man eating baseball jocks. They’re all a bunch of assholes.”

Jisung scoffs, offended. “We are not!”

“I didn’t say you were, I said they were.” Your words seem to ease the tension in his body as he relaxes a bit in his seat before saying:

“They’re… not that bad.” He doesn’t sound too convinced himself, his words sound forced and fake. Even then, you turn to him with a shocked look.

“Not that bad? Those guys terrorize almost everyone in our school and traumatize underclassmen.” You click your tongue, frustrated. “After everything they did and said to us, you’re telling me they’re not that bad?”

It’s Jisung’s turn to be shocked at our sudden outburst for a few seconds before he composes himself once again, “That was back then, y/n. People change.”

You stop yourself from reaching up as grabbing onto your hair in frustration, sitting back in the chair and looking out the window. You then say the words that would cause a longing silence for the rest of the ride to school; words that remain in Jisung’s head for the rest of the day.

“I know that better than anyone.”

Jisung ponders your words for the rest of his day, absently staring at blank walls and laughing it off when his friends call for his attention.

He knows that you have every right to be mad at him but he couldn’t help but feel knives prick at his heart as he runs the memory of you saying those bitter words that held so much weight and sadness to them. He reminisces all the times where he told you he would always be there for you, that he promised to be by your side forever, and tries to stop the stinging in his eyes. He wishes things could go back to the way they were, that he could tell you how sorry he is and you guys would be best friends again.

As he stares at himself in the bathroom mirror, he shakes his head slightly, reminding himself that this is for the best. He tries his best to conceal his bloodshot eyes, rubbing his hands over his face and staring back into the mirror. Jisung practices his fake smile (although he’s almost a professional at it considering how much of that he’s been doing) in the mirror, and does what he always does: adjusts the new skin he has given himself and pushes old Jisung into a cage, throwing away the key.

It’s for the best.

You chuckle halfheartedly at something Renjun says as you walk down the hall after school later that day. You feel a bit guilty that you’re giving your friend only a quarter of your attention but you can’t stop your mind from being preoccupied with Jisung. The guilty feeling in your heart after your harsh words to him this morning being the only thing on your mind when a hand wraps around your wrist, stopping you in your tracks and demanding your attention.

“Come with me.” Jisung stands towering above you, you give him a confused look, making a pathetic attempt to take your wrist out of his grip, only to have it tightened.

“Why would she want to go anywhere with you?” Renjun barks at Jisung, who sends a glare his way.

“Because I’m her ride home, asshole. And I don’t want her sitting centuries away from the parking lot and then leave me waiting for her.”

Renjun scoffs and moves forward only to have your free hand press against his chest, pushing him back. “Renjun, it’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Renjun shares an uneasy and concerned look between you and Jisung. You reply by nodding your head and smiling reassuringly, which causes him to finally cease and pull into a quick goodbye hug before walking towards the school gates.

Jisung pulls your arm, dragging you towards the bleachers where he sits you down with the calm words, “Wait here.”

Your eye roll is a 7.1 on the Richter scale.

The rowdy baseball team leaves the locker room loudly, alerting you of their presence immediately. You take in a deep breath and try to make yourself as unnoticeable as possible though, you know your plan failed when a shadow is cast onto the notebook sitting in front of you.

“Look who it is!” Over you stands, Jeno: captain of the baseball team (and mind controlling leader of all the jock minions. He is man eating baseball jock at its finest.)

He smiles down mockingly, bringing himself closer to you. “What’s wrong princess? Cat got your tongue?” The taunt causes you to roll your eyes, moving to pack your stuff before things got bad.

However, you figure Jeno’s plans seem to be different when he rips your backpack out of your hands and throws it on the ground next to you. He grabs your jaw harshly and forces your eyes to meet his, he speaks again, only this time, he says it lowly for only you two to hear.

“You trying to get back in Jisung’s pants, huh? After all this time you still don’t understand that he doesn’t want you. He’s one of us now, y/n.” Jeno clicks his tongue as he pulls away and watches the emotions that inevitably settle in your eyes, no matter how much you try to conceal it. He laughs and reaches into his gym back, pulling out a water bottle and taking a short sip. He smirks and before you know it the cold liquid is being poured over your head, soaking your hair, clothes and school books. Jeno laughs once again, “You’re such a pity party, y/n.”

Humiliated, you avert your gaze from him and meet eyes with Jisung, who watches the scene with an expression you can’t quite pinpoint, silent and making no attempts stop Jeno. Not that you expected him to. Even then, you get the same angsty feeling you get every time you realize he’s not who he used to be.

You realize that holding in your tears is harder than you thought it would be when Jeno finally leaves, you pack your things as quickly as you possibly can and bolt out of there. Leaving a conflicted and guilty Jisung behind.

All that’s to be heard around you as walk home is the sounds of your small sniffles and the thud of your sneakers on the pavement below you.

The cool autumn wind blows against your wet clothes and causes you to shiver, your body growing colder.

Frustration and humiliation push you to walk faster as you feel the presence of a car moving slowly beside you. Jisung rolls down the window.

“Y/N! Get in the car!”

You turn your face to him and begin walking faster, practically sprinting. Once you think he’s finally gone, you hear a car door slam shut and footsteps racing to catch up with yours.

Jisung grabs your shoulder and spins you around to face him. “Getting home alone will only get the two of us in trouble.”

You scoff, trying to mask your bloodshot, gloss eyes and emotional state. “Is that all you care about?”

Jisung is quiet for a few seconds before asking, “Are you crying?”

You freeze knowing you’ve been caught before turning and beginning to walk away, “Go away, Jisung.”

Jisung moves to stand in front of you, and speaks in a boardline soft voice. “Just get in the car.”

“Leave me alone.”

“I’m sorry about what happened, okay? I didn’t think they would do something like that.”

You remain quiet, taking in his words. Jisung was never one to apologize even when you two were friends, his words shock you momentarily before you remember that this isn’t the Jisung you used to know. Maybe new Jisung says sorry without meaning it like the rest of the baseball jocks do.

“Aren’t going to say anything?” Jisung masks his nerves over saying those words that are foreign on his tongue with impatience and indifference.

Another breeze blows and Jisung watches in concern as you shiver, wanting nothing more than to rip the hoodie of his body and cover yours with it.

“Take me to my house, please.”

You figure it’s because of the unfortunate weather paired with your unfortunate situation or maybe it’s the fact that Jisung is standing before you asking for you to get in his car and saying sorry to you for the first time in his life.

You wish it was the former.

As soon as the car comes to a stop, you reach for the handle to open the door to no avail. You turn confusedly to Jisung who sits in the driver's seat looking forward hand sitting on the control where the locks of the car are.

“What are you doing? Open the door.”

Jisung shakes his head and looks your way, “You never accepted my apology.” His eyes hold something truly desperate and troubled, you are shocked once again at the emotion you see in the boy who has been cold as ice to you for the last two years.

Still, you recall the events that took place earlier that day and find yourself feeling bitter. “Was I supposed to?”

“Yes!” Jisung looks at you wide eyed and offended, thinking you would know him enough to know how much those words meant to him.

“You don’t get to decide that, Jisung.”

He scoffs, trying to mask his insecurities and guilt with frustration. “It wasn’t even that big of a deal.”

You let out your own scoff and turn in his direction, your glassy eyes causing Jisung’s stance to deflate slightly. “It was to me! I was so humiliated by those jerks and all you did was sit there and watch! You probably tricked me into going there in the first place, you... set me up. I should've known something like this would happen.”

Jisung feels the cracks in his heart deepen as he takes in your words, the way you view him now evident. Even then, he tries miserably to defend himself. “I would never do that, I’m.. I’m not that cruel.”

“I didn’t think so either Jisung. Not today and not four years ago when you left me to be one of those man eating, toilet licking jocks!” You look him straight in the eyes with your tear filled ones, “But you said it yourself: people change. And I don’t know who you are anymore.”

The cracks go further down until they’ve snapped off completely, splitting Jisung’s heart in two and letting the pieces sink down his chest, pass his lungs to his stomach where he thinks it will remain for the rest of his life.

You, on the other hand, can feel nothing but the fear and embarrassment of having shared too much. Your hands move on their own as you attempt once again to open the door.

“Y/N I-“

“Open the door, please.” This time, he does. No words filling the air as you rapidly gather your things and basically run into your house leaving Jisung alone in his car.

Poor Jisung looks down at his poor hands, clenching and opening them to feel like he has control over something in his life.

He’s not who he wants to be. He wants to be able to outwardly fanboy about video games and baseball to you like he used to. He wants you to call him stupid but still show interest to whatever nonsense comes from his mouth; he wants you.

His new skin has never fit this badly before.

Why the fuck is high school so hard?

When Monday morning comes around, Jisung holds his sweaty hands against the steering wheel of his car, waiting in front of your house. You’re late, (23 minutes to be exact; not that he’s counting) the fact making Jisung think that maybe Friday was the last straw for you, and that you were done trying to tolerate Jisung even for your mom’s sake.

Even though he knows you have every reason to hate him, the mere thought makes it harder for him to breathe.

Deep in thought, Jisung doesn’t notice the figure walking towards the passenger side of his car until there is a knock on the window that causes him to jump.

Jisung calms down upon seeing your mother at the window, an amused/slightly concerned look adorning her face.

“Honey, I’m sorry for scaring you! I thought you saw me coming!” She chuckles out the last words and all Jisung can do is laugh nervously in response. “Anyway, Y/N isn’t going to school today, she has been sick all weekend. I think she got caught some rain on Friday and has a cold, she’ll be better soon I’m sure.” Your mother stops her rant to send an apologetic look Jisung’s way, “I’m sorry you had to wait, I told her to let you know so this wouldn’t happen, I guess she didn’t.”

Jisung shakes his head, “It’s okay, ma’am. I hope she feels better soon.”

She gives Jisung a motherly smile that he has missed so much. He remembers all the days he would spend at your house and how your family basically became his own, all the times she would give him that smile before ruffling his hair. Jisung feels his eyes glass over and looks away. Your mother seems to notice and says in an affectionate, motherly tone: “Honey, everything is going to work out in the end.”

Jisung sniffles as he lets tears freely fall down his cheeks, “I don’t know what to do.”

She just smiles and leans further into the car, just enough to be able to reach out and wipe the tears from his cheeks. The familiar motherly gesture from her making him feel a little at ease for the first time in 4 years.

“What do you want to do?”

What does he want?

He wants to play baseball, he wants people to like him, he wants to be captain of the team one day, he wants to be the Park Jisung everyone loved and wanted to be.

But… he also wants to be able to be the Park Jisung he used to be, who would obsess over video games and hang out at your house more than his own, who had you as a best friend and didn’t have to go to school worrying about his reputation

Now pacing a few feet from your front door, left hand holding a bag carrying your favorite soup and right hand rubbing nervously at his jeans, trying to get the sweat off of them, Jisung thinks that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

What if your favorite soup changed?

What if your dog doesn’t like him anymore?

What if you don’t want to see him and tell him to get out?

What if-

“Jisung?”

He nearly gets whiplash from how fast he turns to face your father who stands at the doorway smiling. “Long time since you’ve been here, what’s up?”

Jisung laughs nervously, “Yeah, it’s been a while…” He pauses, unsure on whether to ask for you or not.

Then he realizes, just like your mother, your father was a second father figure to Jisung all throughout his childhood, he sees right through him and smiles knowingly. “She’s in her room.”

Your house hasn’t changed one bit since he stopped coming over. The same beige carpeted floors and the same pictures of the walls, even some of the two of you together as kids.

He hears thudding on the floor and suddenly he’s being knocked over by a giant ball of fur that licks his face and excitedly wags its tail. Jisung feels some weight lift of his shoulders as he pets the dog, “I missed you too, Jojo.”

It’s strange how everything can be exactly the same but at the same time totally different. How everything between you two turned cold and these walls and this home were just waiting for him to get some sense knocked into him and come back finally.

Maybe the walls weren’t the only ones waiting.

After knocking on your door for several minutes with no response, Jisung decides to open the door a crack, just enough for him to be able to look inside and see you fast asleep. He ponders over what to do at your doorway, nervously looking at you from the door frame.

After considering his options, he opts for just leaving the soup on your desk and leaving quickly, hoping your father tells you he stopped by. However, as he sets the bag on your desk something draped over your desk chair catches his eye.

His sweatshirt.

Jisung reaches for it hesitantly, hand shaking for a reason he can’t pinpoint. His fingers meet the soft material of it’s fabric and he feels himself remembering all the times he had seen you the sweatshirt whenever you stayed over at his house. He recalls the night he walked dolefully to your house with the sweatshirt in his hands, on his way to cut things off with you. At the memory, he immediately reaches into the pocket, letting his hands search through it until it comes in contact with something.

It’s still there.

He wonders if you haven’t read it, or if you did and stuffed it back in the pocket and pretended you hadn’t, choosing not to dwell on the boy who left you.

He also wonders if you wear it, if you ever think about him when you have it on.

If you get sad or if it’s warmth reminds you of the good times you spent together. Jisung grips the material in his fingers and brings it up to his chest. Eyes closed, he presses the sweatshirt close to his body.

It smells like you. But it also smells faintly of him. Jisung smiles as breathes in the mixture of scents that brings back good memories.

He can’t believe this sweatshirt as managed to keep the two of you together as he tore you apart. His want to fix things with you grows stronger and stronger as he stands in your room, gripping onto his sweatshirt.

Jisung hears a gasp and his eyes snap in your direction, your previously laying figure sits straight up on your bed with a frightened face, your hand over your heart. He freezes, unsure of what to do.

On the other hand, your body relaxes slightly as you realize that it’s just Jisung and not a crazy axe murderer, although you can’t even imagine why he would be in your room right now.

“Jisung?” The boy flinches as you say his name, before dropping the item he had previously in his hands onto the floor. You direct your vision to it and see his -your- sweatshirt which makes your confusion grow further. “What are you doing in here?”

Jisung can’t help but look at your window like he wants to jump out of it. This was definitely not how it was supposed to go. “I- uh well uh your mom told me that you were sick and I thought that maybe you- wanted something to eat? I don’t know. So like I stopped by to bring you this soup. You don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to I just figured since you were sick and stuff you know… maybe you would want some… soup.” He finishes off his rant by pointing to your desk where he had set the bag earlier.

You almost laugh at how awkward he’s being, though your confusion outweighs every other emotion. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you bring me this soup? Why are you in my room right now?” Your defenses start to come up as you realize how personal the situation is.

Jisung is standing in your room for the first time in 4 years, he was holding the hoodie that used to belong to him and he brought you soup from the place you two used to go as children.

Does he suddenly want to remember? Is this him trying to get back what he gave away?

“I just -“ He sighs, averting his gaze from you to the ground. “Look, I know what I did is terrible and that… you probably hate my guts after what happened… but I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry about everything that has happened between us, including Friday, I just… wanted you to be able to see you and know that you were safe. Not for my mom but for me. I’m sorry for not defending you when the guys did that to you. I let my fear get the best of me like I always do.” He pauses to take a deep breath, simultaneously looking up finally to meet your eyes, you feel your heart contract at the sight of his red, tear filled eyes. “And I’ve been using my moms wishes as an excuse to be with you after so many years but it’s time you finally knew that truth, and it’s that I miss you and it’s sad but spending this week with you has made me feel more than I’ve felt in the past 4 years,” he hiccups as he speaks, “and I know that you probably don’t want anything to do with me and I get that. I really do but no one knows me like you do. No one. And you know I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t mean it but I’ll say it again and again and again…” A tear falls from the corner of his eye. “I’m sorry, y/n.”.

You feel like you’ve been punched but also kissed and hugged tight after Jisung ends his emotional rant.

His words cause a division in your heart and mind over what to make of them.

Your mind says that this will end up like the last time, you’ll buy into all his fake promises and tears and fall for him all over again, only for him to leave you to pick yourself up after he decides he’s had enough of you.

However, your heart gives voice to the fact that this Jisung is strikingly similar to the Jisung you knew once upon a time. He is nothing like the Jisung you’ve seen for the last 4 years who is cold and mean; he is vulnerable and soft spoken, this Jisung just poured his heart out to you and is now standing with his arms wrapped around himself, awaiting your reply.

“Jisung, I-“ you stop yourself and try to choose words carefully while your heart and mind have a heated debate. “I think it’s best if you go.”

The way Jisung curls even further into himself makes your heart hurt, screaming even louder to let her opinion be heard. Fresh tears gather in his eyes that he immediately blinks away, nodding slowly. “I understand.”

“I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to make of all this.” You try your best to not make him feel too horrible while simultaneously protecting yourself.

His broken voice comes stuttering out, thick and sad, “Don’t be sorry, please.”

He spares one last look your way before disappearing through your bedroom door. You hear his quick footsteps as he practically runs out of your house, leaving you alone with your conflicting thoughts and cold soup.

The energy of the events that took place in your room earlier seemed to still be circling around the room, bouncing off the walls and onto you. Sad and conflicting thoughts running through your head 100mph, leaving you restlessly tossing and turning in your bed later that night.

You sigh as you stare up at the ceiling, finally giving into the thoughts that have kept you awake.

What did this mean to Jisung?

What tables turned in his mind that caused the stone cold boy to come into your room (while you slept) with an order of your favorite soup to break down in front of you and go on a rant about how sorry he is?

And if he’s so sorry, why did he do it in the first place?

What changed from Friday to now?

Just when everything was getting better, why did Jisung have to come back into your life and make it complicated for you?

Should you forgive him?

There’s a chance you could get your best friend back… but there’s also a chance he might break your heart again.

You shove your blankets to the floor in frustration, rising off your bed and waking across the room to your light switch. However, on your decent, you step on something soft, only to realize that it’s the sweatshirt Jisung had been holding with tears in his eyes just hours ago.

A sudden confusion washes over you for a different reason, why had Jisung been inspecting the sweatshirt in the first place? You curiously begin to reach into the pockets, immediately feeling the texture of paper on your hand.

Your eyes widen as you pull it out, dropping the sweatshirt back onto the floor. The slip of paper is nearly folded and worn out at the edges, like it had been that way for a long time. Once unfolded, these slightly blurred words stared back at you:

‘My y/n, please understand and please keep me as your favorite boy after this. I’m so sorry. When it’s time, please forgive me -Jisung’

You don’t notice that your eyes fill with tears until they’re dropping onto the small paper below you.

Friday hadn't been the first time he said sorry to you, it was in this little slip of paper years ago.

You were sure he had put the paper in there knowing you probably wouldn’t find it, because there is no way you would’ve let him leave you if you heard those words then. There was no way you would let go of him.

There is no way.

Jisung seems shocked when you knock on the window of his car the next morning.

He had been waiting in front of your house, only 25% expecting you to actually ride to school with after what happened yesterday. Just as he was about to give up and begin his journey to school you present yourself before him with a familiar sweatshirt draped over your figure.

He’s speechless as you get into the car and settle into your seat, only opting to talk a few minutes later.

“What does this mean for us?”

He’s hopeful. God, he wishes he wasn’t this hopeful.

You smile slightly, “I read your note… and I went through some of the letters you gave me a long time ago and some of our other stuff. And… I decided that if you’re really sorry, and if this isn’t some kind of sick prank… then maybe we can be friends again.”

Jisung tries to bite back his wide smile as you finish your sentence, but fails when a giggle leaves his mouth. He’s so so happy. This is the happiest he’s ever been.

You can’t help but smile as well, watching how giddy Jisung got, “What is it?”

Jisung gives you a close lipped smile and shakes his head slightly although, there is still a big smile waiting to break free. He remains that way while he puts the car in drive and pulls out of your street and onto the main road, where he suddenly says: “Does this mean I’m still your favorite boy?”

Now it’s your turn to hold back a smile, “Maybe.”

This time, Jisung lets him smile free, allowing you a view of his pretty, gummy smile and crescent moon eyes. He drums his fingers on the steering wheel and smiles all the way to school.

Things at school remain the same after that.

You two pass each other in the halls as if you were strangers, which, you admit, does leave a slight sting in your heart. However, that sting is overshadowed by how much things have changed between you and Jisung outside of school.

No longer is the air thick or is there a silence that falls over you two as soon as you get in his car every morning. And no longer do you race out of his car as soon as he parks it in front of your house. Now, the atmosphere in the car is full with playful banter and laughs (with the occasional snorts.)

It’s a light feeling; like you’ve put the last 3 years of your life behind you and have defied gravity and are currently floating multiple feet in the air, Jisung’s laughter and playful words surrounding you entirely.

Even though things aren’t how they used to be, in some way, they are better. The new Jisung and the new Y/N get along surprisingly well despite what you may have thought.

Especially at times like these, when Jisung hops into his car excitedly, animedtaly telling you to strap in quickly.

“Where are we going?” You ask, though you’re smiling and slowly fasten your seatbelt. Jisung’s hands comes to rest on the back of your seat and he drives the car in reverse and out of its parking spot.

“You and I are going to Billy’s.” His gaze shifts to you briefly, before focusing back on the road, still smiling. He misses the way your eyes widen and your whole face brightens.

“I haven’t been there in a while.” You say, the driving boy nods in understanding.

“Me neither,” he progressively breaks his car until it comes to a stop at a red light. He takes this chance to look over at you and smiles softly, “We can go back together.”

Once you get to the ice cream shop, Jisung leads you to a table inside. “Wait here. I’ll go order.” You watch as approaches the counter, smiling brightly at the cashier, who greets him enthusiastically. Exclaiming for the whole shop to hear.

“Jisung! You’re finally back, man! It’s been ages!” You recognise the voice as that of Jaehyun, who had been a new worker when you and Jisung were regulars here. You’re shocked that he even remembers him. “Where have you been? Where’s your girl?”

Jisung’s face flushes, he clears his throat, “My girl?”

“Yeah! What was her name again…” There is a pause in his sentence before he snaps his fingers, finally remembering. “Y/N!”

Even though you knew what was coming, you still startle at the sound of your name; you anxiously await Jisung’s reply which comes a bit later, “She’s right over there.” He points to you and you immediately look away, pretending you weren’t listening. Jaehyun looks at you in shock before turning back to Jisung.

“It’s difficult to keep a girlfriend for that long in high school, I’m glad to see you guys together.”

Jisung looks over at you once again except this time, you don’t look away. A soft smile rests on Jisung’s face.

“Yeah, me too.”

“So I’m your girl?”

You and Jisung are on your way home now with ice cream filled bellies after sitting in the shop and talking for 2 hours. You were wondering if you should address his interaction with Jaehyun the whole time, afraid that you would be overstepping. However, once the words leave your mouth, his cheeks flush a deep shade of red; darker than the one at the shop and enough to make your heart flutter but also swell with pride.

“Well, he said that.. And you know, I didn’t want to correct him or make him feel embarrassed or anything so I just went along with it. But if you mind, next time we-”

“I don’t.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t mind.” You’re feeling especially brave today, wanting so desperately to keep that blush on his face.

Jisung looks over at you for a split second with a bewildered look on his face, coughing a bit, he answers in the most stable voice he muster, “okay.”

His answer is a calm and collected one, but his insides are all jumbled up and going crazy, the butterflies in his stomach reeking havoc.

3 days later, you sat at your desk with a thick textbook sat in front of you, you had been tentatively reading the pages for about two hours now, trying to cram as much information as you could for your test tomorrow when you are suddenly startled by a ‘ding!’ coming from from your phone. You smile as you see the message gracing the screen.

jisung park [10:38pm]: hey :)

jisung park [10:38pm]: you still up?

y/n [10:40pm]: yeah, studying

y/n [10:41pm]: what are you doing up?

jisung park [10:43pm]: i was about to go to sleep, then i saw your light on. decided to text you.

jisung park [10:45pm]: just wanted to check on you

Your heart speeds up and you allow yourself to smile widely, you begin to type a reply but halt as soon as you see the three dots appear on your screen indicating the Jisung is typing.

jisung park [10:47pm]: don’t overwork yourself

jisung park [10:48pm]: wait i have an idea

Suddenly your phone is ringing, Jisung’s contact flashing on the screen only briefly as you answer, “Hello?”

“Come to your window.” You can hear the excitement and enthusiasm through the phone and walk to your window, seeing the boy sitting by his own window, curtains pulled back to show his smiling face which becomes brighter the moment he spots your face through the glass. When he speaks his lips move before his voice reaches your ears, but the lag is only a slight one.

“Now its like we’re hanging out, isn’t that cool?”

You chuckle at the purity of this action and the shyness that drips off his words, “Yeah, how come we didn’t think of this before?”

“I don’t know. I guess i’m just a genius.” He laughs when you laugh at his joke.

The next few hours are spent talking about absolutely everything under the sun, school, friends, a new video game Jisung is obsessed with and the fact that the ice cream at Billy’s tasted better now that you guys went together again.

Its nearing 1am when you finally look at the time, gasping. “Jisung, its almost 1.”

“Is it?” Jisung brings his phone away from him ear, looking down at it. His eyes widen when he spots the time, “wow, it is.”

He brings the phone back up to his ear before looking at you, neither of you says anything, only staring at each other and listening to one another’s breathing through the phone. You can’t help but suddenly feel giddy, biting your lip slightly before chuckling, Jisung’s own chuckle following.

“We should probably go to bed…” You watch as Jisung leans forward resting his forehead on the window sill, sighing.

“Yeah.”

When he makes no effort to move, you laugh and says in a sing-song voice: “Goodnight, Jisung.”

He smiles warm heartedly before letting his soft voice transmit the words, “Goodnight, y/n.” Before you both hang up, he adds, “You turn off your light first.”

You do as he says and he bids you farewell before the line goes dead, you stare happily at your ceiling while giggling and smiling to yourself. And in the house across from yours, Jisung is no different, hugging his pillow close and trying to contain his giddy noises.

You both dream of each other that night.

You knew Jisung was cute, but you didn’t know he was this cute.

The realization comes 3 mornings after that night, the moment you step into Jisung car to go to school. He immediately shoved his phone in your face. You grow soft as you see the sight on his screen.

“I made us a playlist!” He says enthusiastically, “so we don’t have to listen to shitty radio every morning.”

The playlist was titled ‘y/n and jisung’s epic morning time playlist :D’, and it featured songs from all of your favorite artists.

“I put songs in it I thought you would like, or that made me think of you.” He pauses, his cheeks flushing as he recalls his last words. “A-and some songs that I like too.” He tries desperately to play it cool but ultimately fails. However, you think this is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.

“That’s really sweet, Jisung. Let’s give it a listen.”

Neither of you talk for the rest of the drive to school, choosing to listen to Jisung’s playlist. Which is the only thing heard aside from the occasional hum or drum of Jisung’s fingers on the steering wheel.

Once you arrive, Jisung stops you from leaving by grabbing your hand. You turn around to see what’s wrong and sees the blushing face of Jisung who is currently avoiding your eyes.

“There’s a game today after school… do you maybe… wanna come? I mean, I know you never really go to these games but I thought maybe since we’re like friends now you might wanna come.” He rambles and you try your best to keep a straight face.

You watch him become nervous at your stoic expression before chuckling, as soon he looks up at you and sees you smiling face he relaxes. “Of course I’ll go, Jisung.”

“Really?” You nod, his smile grows and he’s suddenly leaning over the center console and kissing your cheek lightly, deeming it your turn to blush.

Jisung smiles smugly as he steps out of his car and walks towards the gates of the school, a pep in his step as he approaches the rest of the baseball team.

When you were making your way to the baseball field, you found yourself thinking that maybe coming here wasn’t the best idea. Considering how things went last time you were there and the fact that you and Jisung’s aren’t supposed to know each other in school.

But now… you couldn't be more glad you came. Not when Jisung is tearing it up on the field, running at the speed of light towards each base, you can practically see the passion and determination to become victorious that takes control of his body and plays vigorously.

He stands at the 3rd base, sweat dripping down his face, making way down his neck and pooling on the collar of his white uniform. His eyes are watching the player that’s about to bat. Slowly, he crouches slightly, putting his body in a position to run. And immediately after the sound of the ball hitting the metal bat rings through your ears he’s taking off at the speed of light towards home base, easily making it and leaving the opposing team’s players to huff frustratedly in the cloud of dirt that was left behind him. Jisung smiles smugly as everyone starts cheering for his home run. He knew they would never be able to catch him, not even in their dreams.

It’s kind of hot.

As he walks towards the dugout, his eyes trail over the expanse of the bleachers, searching. You allow yourself to hope that he’s searching for you just this once and wave your hand slightly as his eyes meet yours. His narrowed eyes fully open and a smile graces his pretty face as he raises his hand to wave back before quickly looking away and walking into the dugout, the smile you had caused remaining on his lips.

Jisung is staring at his reflection in the locker room mirror, ruffling his hair repeatedly, trying to get the perfect visual for you, when he feels a hand clap down on his shoulder. He recognizes it as Jeno almost immediately, he tenses up. “There’s party at Jessica’s house tonight, post game celebration, you coming?”

Jisung maps out all the different ways to say no and not get questioned. Looking back on it, maybe the one he went with wasn’t the best idea.

“I have... diarrhea.”

Jeno steps back, confused. “Diarrhea? You were just on the field!”

Oh shit oh shit oh shit, “It was one of those sudden ones, you know? Kinda snuck up on me.” He tries to laugh it off, but feels himself cringing. “Wh-”

“Its really bad so i gotta get home as soon as possible or im just going to shit… everywhere. So i gotta go,” he begins to make his descent to the entrance of the locker room, grabbing his gym back quickly before Jeno can question him further. “Bye!” he quickly slips out the door, leaving a suspicious Jeno in his wake.

“You told him that?” You say through your laughs, hand falling over mouth as you snort loudly at Jisung’s red face and embarrassed smile.

“I had no other choice! It was either that or get interrogated by Jeno for another hour.” Jisung can’t stop his own chuckle as he glances over momentarily to see hunched over, laughing loudly. He tries to conceal his laughter but eventually lets it out, “It is kind of funny…”

“Its hilarious!” Another snort leaves you and Jisung finally bursts out into loud laughter with you.

Your laughing fit lasts another few minutes and ends with the sound of your phone ringing. Your mother’s contact illuminates the screen, with laughter still evident on your voice you answer the call. “Hello?”

“Hi honey, how was the game?”

“It was good, we’re on our way home now.”

“Good, well, your father and I decided to go out tonight, you know… like on a little date.” You find it endearing that you’re mother still becomes flustered when talking about your dad as if they started dating yesterday. “So that means you’ll have the house all to yourself, is that okay?”

Your eyes travel to Jisung, an idea comes to your mind. “Yeah, mom. You guys have fun.” She laughs lightly on the other line saying she’ll make sure to before hanging up the phone.

As soon as you put your phone down, Jisung glances at you briefly before looking back at the road. “Was that your mom?” You hum in response.

“She told me her and my dad were going on a date,” He chuckles, “that means I’ll be alone tonight...” Jisung nods slowly, not getting the point. You sigh, wondering whether you should even bring it up or not. When you think about it, the thought of you and Jisung alone at your house was oddly… suggestive. Even though those weren’t your intentions at all, the possibility of Jisung thinking that you wanted to get with him made you nervous.

However, it seems Jisung had the same ideas as you because he’s suddenly taking a deep breath nervously drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “You know if you don’t wanna be alone… we could hang out?”

You can tell he’s unsure and nervous and the fact makes you feel somewhat better. “You can come over to my house, it will just be us though, is that okay?”

Jisung turns red which causes you to also turn that shade of crimson but even then, he nods. “Yeah, that’s okay.”

Neither of you talk the rest of the way home, but the silence that surrounds you is comfortable, only serving to give your erratically beating hearts a break.

“Jojo!”

Your dog’s ears perk up as soon as she hears Jisung’s voice, quickly standing up to run at full speed past you towards the boy. Who crouches down and lets the dog lick his face excitedly, all while wagging its tail wildly.

“Jojo! What about me?”

Jisung laughs when Jojo completely ignores you to shower him with love. On the outside, you pout playfully at him but on the inside, your heart is doing somersaults at how cute the sight in front of you is. ...Also the way Jisung falls right back into his place of puzzle that is your life so perfectly it’s like he was never gone. He looks so at home in your house even if he has grown about 2 feet taller and gotten more mature throughout the years. He’s still the same piece that your puzzle has been missing to be complete.

He’s still the same.

Jisung notices that you’re deep in thought and walks towards you, also noticing how you smiled slightly. “Is something wrong?”

You shake your head quickly, smiling. It’s the kind of smile that never fails to make Jisung smile.

“Nothing at all.”

4 movies, a 2 hour long conversation and 3 tickle fights later, you and Jisung are hungry.

So you find yourselves in the kitchen, scavenging like racoons for anything you can find in the seemingly empty kitchen.

After 5 minutes of searching and moping and whining from Jisung about how he’s to die if he doesn’t eat right now, you open a cupboard to see what might’ve been the equivalent to gold for you two at this point.

Ramen.

Only problem was: it was on the very top shelf and way out of your arms reach. Still, you try and reach the packets of noodles searching your arm to painful heights with small grunts and frustrated groans leaving you every now and then. They are immediately halted by the feeling of a body against your back, towering over you and reaching above for the ramen packets, whipping them off the shelf with ease.

Jisung’s scent is surrounding you and overwhelming all your senses. When he doesn’t move away, you turn around to face him. You are so close you can feel his breath on your face and you can count every single one of his eyelashes. “Why didn’t you do that sooner?” You attempt to make the situation playful, but your low voice fails you. Jisung smiles slightly down at you before shrugging, “I wanted to watch you struggle for a bit.” His chuckles and flinches at you poke his side with your finger. His face settles into a soft smile as he looks down at you and you can feel yourself blushing.

Jisung walks closer and closer to you until your fully pressed against the counter, never taking his gaze off you. “What is it?” You question, flustered.

Suddenly, he raises his hands to cup the sides of your face and leans down to press a lingering kiss on your forehead before pulling away completely, turning to the stove and setting up the pot like nothing happened.

You watch incredulously as the boy calmly rips open the ramen packaging, setting the water to boil.

“What was that for?” You question the back of Jisung’s head, his neck is beet red as he shrugs his shoulders.

“I couldn’t…” He hesitates, before turning around slowly, his eyes are staring at the ground, avoiding your own, “I couldn’t let that moment of courage pass. I’ve always wanted to do that and I was afraid if I didn't do it then, I wouldn't do it ever.”

Forget somersaults, your heart is doing full on acrobatics.

Jisung looks up when you don’t reply, only to see you staring at him. He becomes increasingly more nervous under your gaze, that is until you find your words finally.

“I was thinking earlier about how crazy it is.”

“What?”

“You being in my house and looking like you never even left, how something’s really didn’t change…” you take small steps towards the tall boy, trapping him in between your body and the counter, as he had done to you earlier. “Yet others did.”

The words would’ve sounded bittersweet in any other context, but in that moment, Jisung understood exactly what you meant. He brings his hands up to cup your face once again, but instead of moving to kiss your forehead, he leans down further.

Jisung’s breath fans on your face and his hands move further into your hair, lacing through it as you two come closer. You can practically feel his lips on yours, his-

“Y/N?”

The two of you shoot apart quickly at the sound of your mother’s voice, Jisung turns to the stove where the ramen was currently boiling and you turn towards the counter and act busy with your phone.

That’s how you are when your parents walk into the room, shocked to see Jisung there with you. “Honey, you didn’t tell me Jisung was staying over tonight.”

“Yeah, I forgot, sorry.” You say, your eyes stilling training on the counter top, your mom seems to notice the tension in the air when she asks, “ did something happen while we were gone?”

You dare to look at Jisung, only to see the blushing boy already looking at you. He gives you a soft, knowing smile and you return it. Turning to your mother, you say, “Nope.”

Which ultimately translates to ‘definitely’.

Neither of you bring up the almost kiss you guys shared that night, but boy… did you think about it. While laying in bed, at baseball practice, during the morning car rides when you guys acted like you hadn’t basically confessed to each other just a few days ago.

It was the only thing on Jisung’s mind for the next few weeks, and he knew you were thinking about him too. From the way you would glance at him whenever you thought he wasn’t looking, to the silence that fell whenever you were deep in thought.

Even though your thought revolves around Jisung, the are much different than the ones in his head. While Jisung was thinking about how you made his life brighter once again, yours were filled with an overwhelming amount of questions.

What does this mean for the two of you?

Are you two going to date?

And if you do, will Jisung even allow you two to be seen out together?

Will you be able to be Jisung’s girlfriend, out in the open?

You remembered every time he had passed by you in the halls, as if you two hadn’t stayed up talking for hours the night before. As if you didn’t know each other. The thought of Jisung keeping you hidden from everyone forever scared you to no end.

Although you knew that you were in for this when you decided to give Jisung your trust once again, you wondered how long you could handle being hidden, and if it really affected Jisung as much as it did you.

You try desperately to settle your racing mind by telling yourself that you should just enjoy being with him for the time being, to appreciate the present instead of worrying about the future.

So you don’t worry when Jisung pushes past you in the halls with the rest of the baseball team and you don’t worry when Jisung trails behind you as walk down the sidewalk when he sees someone from school and you also don’t worry when Jisung tells you to just wait a bit longer.

But you should’ve been worrying.

You should’ve been worrying a lot.

A week later, Jisung tells you to come down to the locker rooms and wait for him there since practice was going to drag on a little longer than usual.

You do as he says and walk down towards the gym, a pep in your step at the thought of seeing the boy you haven’t had a moment with all day. You movements are halted suddenly as you hear the echo of Jeno’s voice through as you wait by the door of the locker room. Jisung’s familiar voice reaches your ears as well but you can’t really make out what he’s saying. Out of curiosity, you lean closer to the door.

You hear Jeno’s voice first.

“-That chick has been hanging around you a lot, recently. Are you guys a thing or something?”

You were aware you were ‘that chick’

Jisung freezes. “ What chick?”

“Y/N.”

You tense at the mention of your name, growing nervous at of the things they would say. “Oh…” you hear Jisung say, “Well, I already told you, my parents make me drive her to school.”

“But that doesn’t explain why you guys are always together, I see you after school at Billy’s, you know.” Jeno questions him with no mercy, causing Jisung to grow more and more nervous, racking his mind for any words to get himself out of the situation. “You know I would never date her, man.” He pauses, “I left her for a reason, my mom would kill me if I left her alone every day, she barely has any friends.”

You feel like you’ve been stepped on by Jisung’s shoe that he keeps twisting and stomping with you under until you’re nothing but dust scattered across the gym floor. “Good, cause that would be embarrassing, dude.”

“Yeah, totally, she’s nobody to me.” Replies Jisung.

Nobody to him runs towards the door gym entrance and keeps running until she reaches the school gates, desperate to get away from the boy who has successfully, once again, broken her heart.

The continuous vibrations of your phone cause a frustrated groan to come out of your body. You reach angrily into your bag and pull it out seeing the contact you had expected to see: Jisung. There’s plenty of texts from him too, asking where you were and telling you that you should probably go home since it’s late. You shut down your phone and shove it back in your bag, taking a deep breath before continuing your walk, despite the heaviness of your feet and the want to just lie on the ground and cry.

Why did he have to fuck everything up? Just when everything was so perfect? Just when things were getting back to normal, and you two shared the same heart you did 4 years ago, why did Jisung have to remind you of the harsh reality that he cares more about his stupid reputation than your feelings? Why was he such a coward?

So many thoughts run through your head that you don’t notice a car pulling up next to you until you hear a voice shout out: “There you are, I figured you left ‘cause I took too long at practice, hop in.” He unlocks his car and looks at you expectedly.

You ignore his words and keep walking forward, a new found determination to get away from Jisung and into the comfort of your room, where you can hide under your covers and never come out again. You hear his voice but are to focused on getting away from him to comprehend any of the words leaving him mouth.

That is, until he’s standing directly in front of you. “What’s up with you? Did something happen at school today?” Once he catches sight of your eyes, his widen in concern, hands immediately reaching up to grab your shoulders. “What’s wrong?”

You push his hands off your shoulders bitterly, “You don’t have to worry about waiting for me tomorrow morning or any day after that, I’m walking myself to school from now on.”

Jisung’s face contorts in panic and confusion at your words. “Woah, what?”

You make an attempt to walk past him, only for his hand to wrap around your wrist. You meet his desperate eyes with your own, “Y/N, just tell me what happened and… I’ll fix it, okay? Just tell what’s wrong.”

Your lip quivers as you stare at the boy across you. “I heard you, Jisung.”

“What?”

“When you were talking to Jeno earlier in the locker room, when you said I was nobody to you. I heard you.”

Jisung freezes and you watch as the confusion on his face is replaced with realization, and fear. His chest dips more as his breathing grows deeper. “Please…”

You yank your wrist out of his hand which remains suspended in the air between you in shock. “Please? Please what? Forgive you? Why did you say that, Jisung?” You run your hands through your hair in frustration before feeling your shoulders deflate. “I thought that maybe we had something… or that you liked me or whatever but I guess not-“

“I do like you. I do, but it’s… not that simple.” He avoids your eyes like the plague now.

“Why? Why is it not that simple?”

He breathes in deeply before carefully replying, “You know how it was back then… with the baseball team and the bullying. I don’t want to do that again, I’m… I’m sorry.”

He’s trying to tell that you bring him down. You bring your hands over your eyes to conceal the tears in them and turn away from the guilty boy. “Just let me go home.”

He grabs onto you once again and desperately pulls you against him, hugging you close to his body. “No. Please, I don’t want our friendship to end again. What we have right now is good, let’s just get in the car and we can go to Billy’s and I’ll buy you a milkshake and-“

You shove Jisung away from you and look him directly in his eyes that are filled with regret and fear. “I don’t want to get milkshakes with you! What we have isn’t good! I’m your secret! I’m like a guilty pleasure of yours and I don’t deserve that, Jisung.” Your lip quivers once again as Jisung nods at your words, hands reaching to grab your shoulders.

“I know that, it’s true. You don’t deserve anything I’ve put you through but please, don’t leave me, I’ll do anything.”

Your sadness is masked by a sudden surge of anger. Want to hurt him the same way he hurt you takes over you as you push his hands off you roughly. “There’s nothing you can do. You wanna know why? Because you’re a coward Jisung. And you have to realize that all your problems would be fixed if you would just grow a pair!” You breathe deeply as you watch Jisung’s face scrunch up at your words. “And this time, it’s me leaving you and it hurts, doesn’t it?”

Jisung watches in silence as you turn and walk around the block,out of his line of vision.

Once the door of your room slams behind you, you lock the door to prevent any questioning from your mother and immediately hide your body under the covers.

The sound of your soft sobbing flow travel through the space of your dark room. You take this time to let your brain tell your heart “I told you so!” And reprimand it for even thinking that things with Jisung would be any different because he brought you fucking soup.

You were so naive to even hope that he would give up his stupid reputation for you. That he would’ve said anything else to Jeno that day. That you thought he liked you enough to be able to put you first.

God you were so stupid and naive.

The frustration and sadness you felt was none like any other, you wanted nothing more than to rip every single one of your hairs and never leave your room again.

The only source of light into the room is your window, you frustratedly get up, throwing the covers off of you angrily and march towards the window. Once you reach it you catch a glance of Jisung sitting by his own bedroom window, leaning against the frame and looking outwards your house sadly. He perks up when he sees you at your window, he is hopeful. You falter but then remember what just earlier that day and make direct eye contact with him as you let the blinds fall over the window, plunging your room into complete darkness.

Never again.

The spot on the bleachers where you sat last time is empty, causing an angsty feeling to rise in Jisung’s chest. The kind he’s been getting a lot recently when he sees you leaving your house every morning without him, and type he gets when he sees you in the halls laughing with your friends, knowing that could’ve been him if he hadn’t been such a pussy.

The rowdy boys around him yell and stretch, prepping for the game ahead. However, Jisung can’t find it in himself to even move, staring at the dirt below his sneakers and ignoring anyone who tries to start a conversation ; his teammates’ confused stares going unnoticed by him.

As he stares at his feet, he catches sight off the worn down marker ink that you had drawn under his shoe, which you had written a few days before he joined the team, before he walked out of your life. You had been just as excited as him (maybe even a bit more) when he told you he was trying out for the team. He told you to write something that would give him strength on the field; you enthusiastically grabbed a marker and write on the side of his shoe:

“You’re going to do great today! You’re my favorite boy! <3”

He moves his foot to get a better view of it. A faint smile dusts on Jisung’s face, before immediately disappearing when he remembers what he did and that those days were no longer. Because he ruined it. Again.

“Alright boys! Showtime!” The Coach Suh’s loud voice causes the dugout to immediately grow silent as he begins to discuss strategies with the team, all the players listen attentively. Jisung tries his best to listen to the coach’s words but still can’t focus on anything but that damn empty seat.

As Jisung waits in the dugout from his turn to bat he is still not able to keep his mind off you. He keeps trying to focus on the game instead of you but it seems like Jeno has other plans.

Jisung feels Jeno tap his shoulder to get his attention, when Jisung faces him, he smiles smugly and leans back, crossing his arms. “You weren’t at the party last night, should’ve been.”

Jisung shrugs, “I wasn’t feeling it.” Jeno leans forward to whisper into Jisung’s ear.

“That y/n was there, I had to have a go.”

Jisung feels his blood run cold, nerves and new waves of angsty feelings rushing through him at the thought of you and another guy. Of you and Jeno. It can’t be true. You wouldn’t. “A go?”

“You know, like sex.” He replies easily, laughing. “She said she didn’t want it though. But they always say that, she’ll come around.”

Heavily breathing, Jisung questions, “What makes you so sure?”

“She’s a slut, Jisung. She’s always wanted to get with one of us. Why do you think she was after you? She’s just a lonely slut looking for some dick.”

Jisung knows better, he knows your likes and dislikes, she knows that you would never value sex over anything. He knows you’re not any of the things Jeno says you are. “That’s not true… she’s not a.. slut.”

Jeno scoffs before nudging Jisung slightly. “Come man, don’t be like that, I’m just saying the truth, she’s just a little whor-“

Jisung’s face flushes with anger and his hands begin to shake, before moving on their own and landing a punch on Jeno’s ill speaking lips, causing his head snap back at the force.

His fingers graze the fresh cut on his lip as he sends Jisung an incredulous look. “What the hell, Jisung?”

Jisung can’t believe he just did that, however, the adrenaline and anger provoked action felt amazing. Protecting and defending you felt amazing. And he’s not letting that go now.

It doesn’t feel that good when Jeno lands a punch on his face in return. It makes him dizzy for a second, the world spinning while he tries to recover from the blow the stronger boy has given him.

A sudden determination comes over him, and suddenly he’s straddling Jeno while landing punches on the boy’s already bleeding face, Jeno gets in his blows too. Busting Jisung’s lips and bruising his skin for sure.

It’s unknown to Jisung how long the fight lasts, or how long it takes for the coach to notice what was going on before he leaves the field and rushes into the dugout to stop the fight.

The Coach’s voice sounds distant to Jisung’s ears when he yells for the to break it up, like hes at the bottom of a swimming pool at a party, listening to the music, talking and laughing of the people above the surface. “Park, Lee! Break it up!”

The two boys are relentless, struggling against each other on the dirty ground of the dugout. One is battling for his own pride and image but the other battling for so much more: for the person he was, for the girl he left behind all because this toilet licking asshat baseball jock told him he wasn’t good enough.

This is it. Jeno can’t control him anymore.

Arms wrap around Jisung’s waist and pull him off of Jeno, who continues to glare and yell things at Jisung that he can’t make out as Coach Suh drags him out of the dugout away from Jisung. The person carrying him pushes him on to the bench of the dugout. His closest friend, Chenle, begins to speak.

“What the hell was that, man?” Chenle questions, looking at his best friend with a look that was both confused and concerned. Jisung feels the eyes of the entire baseball team on him. It makes him a bit uneasy but even then, he replies as calmly as he could.

“He was saying stuff about Y/N.” Chenle immediately calms, knowing the struggles his best friend has with the girl in question. However, another curious player makes his own question for the boy.

“Bro, why do you care? I thought your parents were making you babysit her?” He is taken aback by the reply he is given.

“I care because I’m in fucking love with her, man.” Jisung drops his head into his hands, not in shame, but in frustration. Because those words feel so good coming out of his mouth; so honest and pure. And he held back from saying them all these years due to his own cowardly mindset. He ruined all his chances to be with you and betrayed your trust beyond repair. Before he can stop them, tears flood his eyes and a sob claws its way up his throat.

The other players watch their teammate break down after proclaiming his love a girl in shock, standing still, not knowing what to do. Chenle is the first to react by approaching his friend, carefully saying: “You should take a shower to cool off, it’ll help you.”

Jisung nods weakly and lets his friend lead him to the locker room.

As he watches the distraught Jisung disappear into the locker room, another player goes on a guilt fueled search for Y/N.

The sound of your footsteps echo off the walls of the empty hallway, you’re absolutely positive all the students are at the game. You bitterly think of all the plans you and Jisung had made for this very day. How you guys would get milkshakes after they won, how after the season was over you were planning to tell Jisung how you felt and especially about how all those plans were crushed under the rough soul of Jisung’s playing shoes.

You sigh as you make your way towards the entrance, ready to curl up in bed and forget the world (something you have been getting exceptionally good at recently). When you figure out that -once again- the universe has different plans in store for you.

The universe comes in form of player number 13, Jaemin Na, clutching on your wrist and halting all of your movements. “Y/N?”

Once your mind registers the face in front of yours, you instantly rip your hand out of his grasp. “What do you want?”

Jaemin looks slightly defeated at the sound of your tone but tries his best to explain the situation. “Look, I know that I have been absolutely terrible to you throughout the years, i'm sorry about that and I understand if you don’t want to hear a single word i have to say but this is about Jisung.”

You ears practically perk up at the mention of his name and you grow concern as you ponder what it is Jaemin could be talking about. “What happened to Jisung?”

“There was a fight during the game today, Jisung was involved.”

“He was involved? Is he okay?” You don’t bother to hide the concern in your voice when you throw the questions at the boy in front of you.

“He’s fine, physically. But I think he needs you right now, Y/N.”

You look at the boy incredulously for a few seconds before looking down when you realize that he was serious about his words. You wrap your arms around yourself before shaking your head. “No… he can’t need me, he said I was nobody to him.”

Jaemin scoffs at walks closer to you making direct eye contact, “I don’t know what he said before, but the reason he got into a fight with Jeno was because he was saying some shit about you.”

“What?”

“And he just told the whole baseball team that he was in love with you.”

“WHAT?”

You try your best to process that information, staying silent while Jaemin stands anxiously in front of you.

“You love him too, Y/N.”

You stare at him while you think.

What if this ends up just like last time? With your heart in a million pieces all because of Jisung’s unhealthy concern over his reputation? But he said he loved you, and in front of the whole baseball team, apparently.

So what does this mean? What should you do? What if now Jisung is ready to be there for you like he couldn’t be before? Maybe you’ll get the happy ending 14 year old you always wanted…

“He needs you, y/n. Please.” Jaemin pleads, his eyes staring into yours and suddenly everything clicks.

He needs you. Like…really needs you. And before he was the boy who left you stranded and broke your heart, he was your best friend who was always there for you whenever you needed him.

You throw all selfish feelings to the wind and nod your head towards Jaemin, who sighs in relief.

You go to turn before stopping in your tracks and facing the baseball player, who looks at you with a confused expression. You smile softly at him, “I forgive you, Jaemin.”

You miss his teary smile as only seconds later your taking off down the hall in direction of the baseball field.

After asking around, you finally get the information that Jisung was currently in the locker room. Which you stand in front of, breathing in deeply before pushing open the door.

Most of the players have gone home, resulting in you being greeting with an empty locker room. The only sound is that of a single shower turned on and the silent sniffles of the boy you were searching for.

“Jisung?” You say hesitantly, taking small footsteps towards the showers. He doesn’t reply.

You knock softly on the shower door, “Jisung, it’s me. Are you okay?”

He sniffles once again, though this time, you can tell he’s trying to sound fine. “Yes.”

Not convinced, you say in a gentle tone: “Can you come out?”

It takes a few moments before you hear the stream of water silence and the towel hung up on the shower down disappears from your view. Then the door opens revealing Jisung, who’s hair is sleek against his forehead and his eyes are trained towards the floor. You can’t help but gasp as you see his face, cut and bruised, it makes your heart hurt. There’s nothing but a towel wrapped around his hips, which allow you a full view of his bruised torso.

You want nothing more than to take his face in your hands and somehow take all his pain away. “Jisung…”

“Hi.”

If you thought you had Jisung at his worst, you were wrong. Not only was he physically hurt. His eyes were bloodshot and his bony shoulders hang low from exhaustion. He looks so vulnerable, standing basically naked in front of you, looking like the world just betrayed him in the cruelest of ways.

You do the only thing you can think of doing. You reach forward and pull his body against yours, hugging him close.

It takes him some time for him to hug you back, but eventually his arms wrap around you slowly before they completely engulf you, pressing you harder against him. He lets the tears fall from his eyes and onto you shoulder, his body shaking with sobs.Your bodies slowly sink down until you’re both sat on the floor, his significantly larger frame fitting into your arms as you continue to hold him tight, letting him cry into your neck and chest. His large hands hold onto you, tightly gripping your clothes and bringing your body closer to him.

You stroke his hair in an attempt to calm him, gently telling him It’s okay, that you’ll be here until he’s okay. And to not worry, that you’re not going anywhere.

Your words make Jisung look up at you with blood shot eyes, sniffling softly. His eyes search yours for any hint of insincerity but all he finds is the comforting, caring gaze of his best friend. He smiles although ever so lightly. Your hands move to his face and you use your thumbs to wipe his tears away. You lean forward and press a soft kiss to his forehead.

“Let’s go home, okay?”

It isn’t until 3 days after you drop Jisung off at his house that afternoon that you finally see him again.

3 days of planning scenarios out in your head on how you would go about this moment when it finally arrived and pondering whether Jisung meant every word he said that day. If he’s finally ready and what that would mean for you two.

These led you to right now, laying in bed staring restlessly at the ceiling, when your phone suddenly illuminates, a loud ‘ding!’ sounding through the room. Before checking your phone, you look towards your bedside table where you alarm read in bright read letters: 2:56am.

Confused, you grab your phone to see who could be messaging you at the ungodly hour.

You gasp slightly and feel your heart rate pick up as you see the notification.

jisung park [2:54am]: come to your window.

You hesitate, wondering why he wanted to talk now of all times, but eventually find yourself slowly walking towards your bedroom window. Once you arrive, you see Jisung, who had been looking at your window expectedly only to nervously look away when you came into his line of vision. You can’t make out what expression he is wearing but you’re aware of his nervousness, that matches your own.

Jisung looks down at his lap, where his phone was, taking it into his hands and waving it slightly at you. You nod, and even though you were expecting his phone call you still startle when the ringtone blasts through the room. Jisung watches carefully as you pick up your phone, silent raising it to your ear.

The silent remains, the only noise present is the sound each other’s breathing through the phone. After some seconds, Jisung is the first to speak.

His soft voice sounds so hurt and broken in your ear, it takes you back to that time in the locker room when you held him in your arms as he cried, “Y/N…”

“Jisung,” you pause, “what are you doing up so late?”

He chuckles bitterly, wiping away a tear you hadn’t known was falling. “I couldn’t sleep, and I just… wanted to see you.” Jisung avoids your eyes, and picks sadly at the cracking paint of his window frame.

“Are you sure that’s the only reason?” You ask. Jisung finally looks at you, before slowly shaking his head.

He breathes in deeply and keep his eyes on yours. His gaze is intense enough to make you feel like he was in the same room and not in completely different houses.

“I’m sorry for what happened,” you grip your phone tighter at his words. “At the locker rooms that day and all those years ago when I told you I didn’t want to be friends anymore. I just… wanted to be on the baseball team so bad and I wanted to have this high school fantasy that I saw in all the movies and I let Jeno get into my fucking head, I believed him when he told me that the me I was then was worthless, and that I had to leave everything behind to be like him. I believed him like such a fucking pussy, y/n. And I hurt you. Over and over again because of my god forsaken reputation that he kept telling me I had to keep.” He raises his free hand in frustration, “and this reputation took so much out of me, it was like whenever I looked in the mirror I was this manufactured version of myself that I created just to satisfy Jeno and the rest of the man-eating toilet licking baseball jocks,” you chuckle softly as you recognize those words as your own, “and then you came back into my life… and at first I thought that I could do it, that I could keep this front up but I was wrong. Because the second you came back to me, I already felt like myself again. It was like an instinct to be my unfiltered self around you and it scared me so bad, y/n. It scared me because I liked being myself with you so much and I couldn’t hide it…” he breathes in, “so I allowed myself to keep you a secret, and to hurt you and treat like a guilty pleasure all because I wanted Jeno to think I was one of them. And now I realized that I don’t have to be like him or anything he wants me to be,” Jisung’s pleading gaze looking at you through your window and you realize that your own eyes are leaking tears on to your cheeks, which you brush away, “I just wanted to be yours, and I’m sorry that I didn’t put you first like I should have.”

When you don’t say anything he adds, “I’m sorry for ranting so much, I j-“ Jisung stops talking as he sees you shaking your head.

“Don’t be sorry, Jisung.” You take a minute to compose yourself. You take a minute to think if what you are gonna ask of him is even reasonable on any level, or if it even makes sense. Ultimately, you decide that nothing that has happened in the last 4 years has really made any sense at all, there was no use in trying now.

“Can you come over?”

You watch Jisung’s expression turn from anxious to shocked in a matter of seconds, “wh- now?”

You now assertedly, “Yes, now.”

Jisung ponders over it for a few seconds before nodding, “okay. Yeah.”

You hang up first and walk away from the window,.

You move towards your closet, taking out the box you had stored Jisung’s belongings in. You search for the worn down envelope you had stored all his letters in, you take out the one he had stored in your sweatshirt and run downstairs.

The desperate need to see Jisung overcomes you, your feet moving quickly towards your front door which you hastily rip open to reveal the face of the boy that occupies the majority of thoughts.

You catch of his open bedroom window behind him, and his disheveled hair, a clear indication that he snuck out that way. Your eyes widen, “Did you just jump off the roof your house?”

Jisung breathlessly looks back at his two story house and nods, “I guess I did,” He looks back at you, explaining, “It would've been too noisy to go out through the front door.”

His serious expression reminds you of why you called him here in the first place.

You hesitantly hold up the note to his face:

‘My y/n, please understand and please keep me as your favorite boy after this. I’m so sorry. When it’s time, please forgive me -Jisung’

He looks down in shame when he sees the note, the regret of his actions behind the note washing over him as soon as he finished reading it over. You shake your head at his actions and reach forward to grab his chin, stepping into his line of vision. Once you’re assured that you two are holding steady eye contact, you begin to speak. “Don’t feel bad, please. I brought this down here so you could see it and know that… I forgive you, Jisung. For everything. Now that i know why you did what you did, everything feels so much better. I thought that you had dropped me because you didn't want you me anymore and I was so scared and upset and I told myself I would never talk to you ever again. I told myself that I didn't need you. But I did. I still do.” You stop to collect your thoughts momentarily, “When you left there was a Jisung shaped hole in my life that couldn't be filled by anyone and when you came back, you fit right in like you had never left and everything was just so … perfect. It was like I was not really me while you were gone, it was so weird.”

Jisung nods, “I felt the same way.” This makes you smile, which makes him smile.

“I think that the reason I was able to keep up that front for so long, because we weren't together, I don’t know what it is but you are the best part of me, and without i felt like an… unfinished puzzle.”

He watches you nod eagerly as you agree, “Yes!”

You two stay in a comfortable silence for a few seconds before you’re stepping forward so that your faces where less than an inch away, Jisung looks down at you before smiling and wrapping you in his arms.

He feels emotional suddenly, the very fact that he has finally achieved the one thing he’s wanted for the past four years: your complete forgiveness. Jisung grips your clothing and pulls you closer, assuring that every part of your body is pressing against his. “I’m-“ he cuts himself off as he hesiatates, “I don’t know if this is too sudden or anything but I just- I wanted to- I- fuck-“

You can’t help but chuckle at his nervous stuttering, you pull away from your hug and look at the once again nervous boy. “What is it?”

Jisung breathes in, “The day you overheard Jeno and I had bought you this,” He shrug off the backpack you don’t notice he had on and reaches inside of it pull out what looked like an animatronic penguin holding a pink heart that read, ‘I love you’. “I was going to give to you that day and like confess? I guess, I didn’t know what you were gonna say when you told me to come over but I figured if I bought it I should give it to you.” His hand comes up to rub the back of his neck in a nervous habit. “I was going to tell you how I felt that day, but you know things didn’t go as planned that day. And if you don’t feel the same that’s totally fine, I just.. wanted you to have it.”

You breathe in to speak when you thought his rambling had come to an end but Jisung stops, he leans down quickly to set the penguin on the floor of you patio before pressing a button. Music plays from the toy as it cutely dances. “It… dances.”

Jisung is sweating. You almost feel bad for him. “I can see that.” You reply with a chuckle.

It dawns on you that there was nothing (nothing) more Jisung, than this.

There’s nothing more Jisung than him standing in front of you, sweating, confessing to you with an animatronic dancing penguin.

Nothing so Jisung, nothing so like the boy you love.

Suddenly, you’re stepping over the penguin separating you two, and closing all the distance between you and Jisung, crashing your lips onto his. It takes the shocked boy a few seconds to process the situation, before his hands are finding their place on either side of your face. The way he moves his lips against yours is clumsy, but it’s everything you could’ve ever imagined.

Jisung sighs, and you can tell it’s everything he’s ever wanted too. He attempts to pull you as close to him as physically possible, wanting nothing more than to be closer to you.

You pull away for air, but don’t move away from Jisung, who breathes deeply through his smiling, pink and swollen lips. He laughs breathlessly, “oh my god.”

His laughter produces a chuckle of your own. “What?”

He shakes his head, smiling. His forehead rubs against your as he does so, and his hair tickles your face. “I’m so in love with you.” He watches you with soft eyes.

You think that your heart is past the point of just bursting; it's like an atomic bomb that is capable of wiping out the entire population if Jisung didn’t stop being so damn cute.

You peck his lips softly before hugging him tight. “And I love you.”

And there you stay, until the sun rises and shines upon the two of you, whispering faint confessions of love to each other over and over while the penguin continues to sing It’s cheery tune next to you.

“What the f-“ your mother stops in her tracks as soon as she opens her front door to find you and Jisung asleep on the patio of her house, curled up to one another for warmth.

She looks around confusedly, wondering what the hell happened last night. But then she notices the way Jisung’s arm wraps around you tightly, keeping you close and the way you hands grip his clothes even while you sleep and she thinks she has an idea of what went on here last night.

After snapping a picture of you two to send to Jisung’s mother, she watches you and sighs, making eye contact with brightly colored penguin standing by her feet.

“What are we gonna do with them?”

[1 year later, Senior Prom]

“I still don’t get why we can’t just get ready together.”

You sigh as Jisung complains through the phone for what feels like the 100th time. “I already told you Jisung, I want you to be surprised when you see me! Remember that I’m not just your best friend anymore, I’m your girlfriend now, and I wanna look pretty for you.”

“You always look pretty to me.”

“I know! I just- It’s prom, okay? I want it to be perfect.”

“It will be, okay? Come to your window.”

You do as he says and peek through your window to see an extremely not ready looking Jisung through his window. “Jisung! Prom is in an hour!”

“I know. I just wanted to be alone with you for a bit before we have to spend the whole night with our friends.” He pauses, and points to the window frame recalling the memory of last fall when he did this exact same thing fri the first time, “it’s like we’re hanging out, isn’t it cool?”

You chuckle lightly, “Very funny.”

“Come on, y/n! Don’t you think I look better in my jersey anyway?” You take notice of the familiar jersey that is draped over his frame. It’s his baseball jersey that he never seems to take off ever since he was named Captain of the team when Jeno was kicked off last fall. And though he should be already wearing his tux, you’ll admit that the jersey does look a different kind of hot on him.

“It’s not that bad.”

He laughs at your comment and takes a breath to speak, before being interrupted by his mother coming into his room and yelling at him to hurry up and get ready. He sighs and tells her he’s on it. “I guess that’s my cue.”

“I’ve been telling you it’s your cue for the past 4 hours.” You say playfully, Jisung laughs. You watch him reach for his towel and throw it over his shoulder, waving at you through the window.

“I love you, babe.”

You smile when he says that, feeling like it’s the first time he’s ever said it. “I love you too, silly.”

“Ohhh, are you blushing? That’s so cute!” He coos point a finger at you through the window.

“Go get ready!” You say in stern yet playful voice as you attempt to conceal your flustered date from your boyfriend. He laughs and says he’s going before hanging up to phone and leaving you to finally get ready in peace.

“Woah.”

Is all Jisung can say when he finally sees you. You walk down the steps of your house to meet him at his car, the tail of your dress flowing behind as you approach him.

Now, Jisung always thought you were the most beautiful person in the world but… shit! You look so gorgeous. You give him chills.

“Jisung?”

He realizes he’s just been frozen this whole time, and finally takes action reaching into his car and bringing out the corsage he bought to match your dress. He puts it on you, and steps back to admire you. Jisung takes a deep breath through his mouth and leans back, dramatically. The dramatic action from your boyfriend causes you to laugh. “What?”

“You look like… ugh! You’re so beautiful.” He reaches forward and brings his hands to your face, bringing you closer and pecking your lips lightly as to not ruin your lipstick. You laugh and step back to admire your boyfriend.

His black tux suited him well, and his hand styled his hair up for the night, giving him a cooler and sharper look to the one you’re used to. You like it. You liked it a lot. “What about you? You look like a million bucks! All the girls are gonna be all over you.” You say it jokingly, but Jisung leans forward once again.

“Too bad I’m taken, and I’m whipped too so I wish them luck trying to get through to me.”

Yo laugh at his words and push his shoulder lightly. He smiles at you and attempts to wink, only fail miserably and a laughing fit to interrupt in between you two.

After posing for pictures at your mothers in front of your house for what feels like forever, you and Jisung finally arrive at prom. Jisung holds your hand as he walks in.

Chenle and Jaemin, two of his friends from the baseball team you had grown fond of, and Renjun find you guys first, immediately pulling you to the remotely empty dance floor. “Guys, no one is even dancing yet!” You exclaim, to which Chenle shrugs.

“Then let’s be the first!”

And so that how you spent the rest of your night between dancing with your own friends and Jisung’s friends you find yourself barely having any alone time with your boyfriend.

You search for him in the crowd as the announcer introduces the prom royalty competition, that is until his name is called out and he goes up to the stage to accept his crown. You watch confusedly and amusedly as Jisung awkwardly accepts his flowers and allows the women to put the crown on his head. You laugh as he meets your eyes, sending you an awkward smile.

“And the prom queen of the class of 2020 is…” she read the card and smiles brightly, “Y/N Y/LN!”

You freeze when you hear that. Jisung brightens up on stage, cheering. You stay in your spot until Renjun is ushering you to the stage to accept your crown. He helps you step onto the stage and you thank him, when you finally reach the stage, you (just as awkwardly as Jisung) accept your crown and bouquet.

People in the crowd cheer for their favorite couple when the announcer says it’s time for the king and queen to have a dance.

Thus you have your first dance with Jisung of the night. And the way Jisung is looking at you almost makes you forget that literally everyone staring at you right now. You smile and pull him closer. He chuckles, “This plastic crown really suits you, it brings out the color of your eyes.”

You snort as you two continue to sway gently side to side. “I know, it’s a good look.” You poke his own plastic accessory as he laughs.

You two dance in comfortable silence before Jisung says in a soft voice, “I’m like... really in love with you.”

You laugh bashfully before looking at your boyfriend. “I’m crazy in love with you too, Jisung Park.”

It dawns on Jisung how much he has changed in the past 5 years of his life. From your best friend, to the boy that broke your heart, to the baseball jock, then to the boy that broke your heart again and finally to your boyfriend. (He stills thinks about what happened with a heavy heart but knows that maybe things wouldn’t be the way they are now if they had never occurred.) He turned from a nervous kid who let his bully get the best of him to a bright young man who was willing to do anything for the girl in the pretty dress in front of him. He smiles as he realizes what he can do now that he had gotten over his fears.

“Watch this.”

You have no time to react as he suddenly grips your waist tighter and brings you closer so he could press his lips to yours. In front of all the people watching you, -which included teachers!- you hear Jaemin whistle and laughs into the kiss, causing Jisung to laugh as well. He pulls away.

“It feels so good that everyone knows you’re my girl.”

He then pulls you in for another kiss and another and another and another. He basically kisses you for the rest of the night and you can’t find anywhere in yourself to complain because you admit it also feels absolutely amazing to have everyone know Jisung is yours.

Now you know why everyone always said senior year is the best year of your life.

#nct dream scenarios #nct jisung #jisung park #nct dream jisung #nct imagines #nct fanfiction #nct angst #nct smut #nct fluff #xiaodejunletsact #nct #wayv scenarios #nct 127 #wayv #nct dream #nct mark

4K notes · View notes

onenerdroaming · 4 years

Text

Ok, here we go.

Here are some notes I took while listening to Gallifrey: Time War 4.

Every listen other than my first one was of audio files downloaded off the site instead of in the app. I did find that once I heard the box in full with all missing audio tracks in their proper place, many of the issues I had with this box the first time I heard it were rectified. Not all of them, but enough for it to considerably boost my impression of it overall.

I am going to try my hardest to focus on the positive here, but that does not mean I am going to entirely shy away from the things I disliked. I just... really would rather try and figure out how to make things work than otherwise, because well, I have more fun enjoying things than not, and I engage with fandom to have fun.

There are a loooot of headcanons and wild interpretations in this as I try my hardest to make it work for me.

Gallifrey: Time War 4 spoilers under the read more obviously.

Deception by Lisa McMullin

We open on the end of Time War 3, the sense of immediacy and urgency readily apparent

I wish we had been able to spend more time with the Resistance. It was really fascinating to see them from Narvin and Leela’s perspectives.

The problem is it is so easy to imagine a version of this box where we got more of Leela and Narvin together, and especially more of them dealing with the emotional fallout of (what they believed to be) Romana’s death.

Ugh, how great would it have been if we got more of them figuring out their place in the Time War without Romana, and doing so in the remains of the Resistance she founded where everyone sees them as extensions of Romana.

I really REALLY want to know what it was like when Romana and Narvin first stumbled into this organized Resistance.

“They’re expecting us” Narvin says as he pilots their TARDIS to the Resistance’s base.

NARVIN: Romana and I ran into a few Resistance fighters on our way to Unity.

I really got the impression from this audio that everyone expected her to return to lead them once she found Leela (and obviously Narvin was a known figure in all this as well, but he is very clearly Romana’s man according to the Gallifreyan Hot Goss).

Was Romana at all tempted to delay her quest to find Leela and stay with the Resistance and lead them?

It kind of reminds me of Season 5, when she made the opposite choice. When she prioritized saving Gallifrey over her relationship with Leela.

What really gets me is ultimately her choice to focus on finding Leela over working with the Resistance... it is framed as so unimportant to her arc that it isn’t something ever mentioned, ever shown in the audios themselves.

Speaking of, when can we expect to get the Spanish dub missing audio track where they affirm their love just before Romana is sucked into superhell a pocket prison dimension?

RAYO: Look at our ship! It’s a silver tube now, like all the others! LEELA: A TARDIS can look like anything, but Time Lords have little imagination.

Love that part where Narvin swoons over how strong Leela is... only to get shot down by Leela being all “Hmm yes I am amazing, those are just facts.”

LEELA: Be careful, Rayo. I am not convinced yet. Your experience of the Time Lords is exceedingly limited. They are... tricky. Some I have trusted with my life. Others, many others, I would not trust as far as I could throw them. NARVIN: Although, as I recall, you could throw them pretty far. LEELA: I am not flattered, Narvin, I know my strengths.

Love the scene where Narvin and Leela are walking through the Resistance base and everyone they pass is freaking out because omg it’s Narvin and Leela... wait why isn’t Romana with them? They’re like major celebrities in that base, it’s incredible.

(excited whispering) RAYO: Why’s nobody stopped us? And why’s everyone pointing and whispering? NARVIN: Nobody has stopped us because they know who I am. They’re expecting me. And they are pointing and whispering because many of them believed Leela was dead. They’re also wondering why I’m here without Romana. I shall have to inform them of her... (sighs) decision. LEELA: You will tell them she is no longer herself? NARVIN: I will let them know she may be in the hands of the Daleks. LEELA: mmm NARVIN: If she’s even alive.

Poor Narvin, he really can’t lie to Leela at all, can he? But he has to, because he promised Romana, and there is no way he’s abandoning what easily could have been Romana’s dying wish.

NARVIN: (about Eris) You’ll like him. Romana did. LEELA: I shall make up my own mind.

Remember how excited I was at the end of Time War 3 for Narvin adjusting to having a teen human stepson to go with his very human girlfriend? I am disappointed the three of them got separated so soon.

Love how the Resistance leaders Rayo walks in on not only are all kinds of !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! about Leela and Narvin being there, they immediately shift their conversation about planning a way to blow up the Untempered Schism to figuring out how to get Narvin on side with their plan. And while yes, Narvin used to be Eris’s superior in the CIA, it is particularly amazing because Narvin hasn’t actually joined the Resistance yet.

YAACOB: I appreciate it Eris, look we need to do this without drawing the attention of Gallifrey. ERIS: I know. I wonder if it’s worth creating a diversion. YAACOB: What are you thinking? ERIS: Some low level sabotage? Just enough to get them looking in the opposite direction to the deception field. YAACOB: We have a group in the... Erridian sector. Let me see what they suggest and I’ll send someone to meet you at the TARDIS. ERIS: Alright. (door opens) RAYO: Oh. YAACOB: Oh. Er... RAYO: Sorry. YAACOB: I don’t know you. What’s your name? RAYO: I’m... uh.... Rayo. Sorry. I didn’t mean... I got a bit lost. YAACOB: I’ll deal with this, Eris. You need to move. ERIS: I’m gone already. RAYO: Wait, you’re Eris? ERIS: Last time I checked. RAYO: Narvin’s looking for you. YAACOB & ERIS: (In unison) NARVIN?! RAYO: Yeah, and I’m sort of looking for him? We’re going to see the Resistance Council and we got separated? YAACOB: Wait, you’re saying you came here with Narvin? ...And Romana? RAYO: Not Romana, no. Leela. YAACOB & ERIS: (in unison) LEELA?! RAYO: Yeah. ERIS: (Soto voice) Yaacob, if Narvin’s here then we really need to get him on side. YAACOB: (Soto voice) Well let’s broach it with him when you return. I’m not certain how he’ll take it. ERIS: Me neither. (regular voice) “Hello, Narvin, good to have you with us! Just wondering, how might you feel about polluting the Time Vortex?”

It also reminded me of our encounters with Time Lords who claimed to be part of some sort of Resistance in the War Doctor audios. How whenever they found out that he was the Doctor they expected him to help them. To support their cause. Then as they told him their sob story about their grandfather who was on the High Council just before the Time War started who was executed for taking the wrong side of a political matter just as the war began... he would tell them that he really isn’t the Doctor, really doesn’t care, all he wants is for them to stop getting in the way of Gallifrey’s war effort (or as he’d put it “stop helping the Daleks”). Then he would shut whatever they were up to down, Cardinal Ollistra smirking at his side.

(that is the actual real backstory of a ~villain~ in the third volume of the War Doctor audios. No, really.)

I didn’t think of that as much in my first listen through, but the third story in this set makes it pretty clear that this box takes place after The Night of the Doctor.

Leela no longer wants anything to do with this war. She is so over the Time Lords, to the point where in Time War 3 she didn’t even want Romana and Narvin to reenter her life.

Yet here she is, on the Resistance base. Being welcomed into the ranks of a force in this war.

She has no reason to side with this resistance other than the fact Narvin is siding with them. No reason to trust any of the people here other than the fact that Romana apparently did.

So it makes sense that she immediately links up with a Resistance member who is NOT a Time Lord, someone who she can learn more about the Resistance from without the baggage of the Gallifreyan nonsense she is just so incredibly over.

LEELA: (panting, catching her breath) RESISTANCE MEMBER: Can I help you? LEELA: I am looking for a friend of mine. RESISTANCE MEMBER: Haven’t seen you around here before. New recruit? LEELA: I have not yet decided. What are you? You are not a Time Lord. RESISTANCE MEMBER: Ugh! No! I am not! No offense, if you are. LEELA: I am not! My ancestors are human. RESISTANCE MEMBER: Never heard of them! Apologies, I’m from the Cornelius Complex. LEELA: Oh. Then I am sorry. How did you survive the purge? RESISTANCE MEMBER: Some of us fled before the Heaviness fell. We watched our world turn dark, and then we picked up the signal from Ysalus! LEELA: Ysalus? RESISTANCE MEMBER: The call to arms! Rassilon must die!

Their conversation is interrupted by the base getting attacked, and Leela goes to find her wayward stepson and make sure he is safe (although I do want to note that while her first thought is for her stepson, she does also call out for Narvin as she enters crisis mode).

This is where the audio abruptly changed from a story about Leela and Narvin (and Rayo!) linking up with the Resistance in the aftermath of Romana’s death.... to something else entirely.

I am happy that Eris returned. I am. In fact I wish we had more of him and the Resistance.

I just am not the biggest fan of pairing him with Leela only to have them split up and not spend that much time together. That felt like a series of strange choices - we’re at the very end of the series, why are we exploring NEW dynamics between the regular cast and the Time War arc characters instead of focusing on the relationships we’ve been invested in for years?

As much as I love Leela and I love Eris and I love the idea of Leela working with the proto-Doctor character Romana trained... this is the FINAL VOLUME OF THE SERIES. IT ISN’T THE TIME TO INTRODUCE BRAND NEW CHARACTER DYNAMICS, IT’S THE TIME TO GIVE THE PREEXISTING RELATIONSHIPS PAY OFF

There are so many plots left dangling throughout this. So many arcs that felt like they were building somewhere and just kind of spluttered out.

All of that said.... I DO really love sending Leela off with this idealistic Doctor-like youth.

Because here Leela is, unsure if she is going to trust the Resistance or not. In a moment of distress she enters a TARDIS without permission and becomes the undesired companion of an incredibly Doctor-like individual in the Resistance. Through him and his devotion to his friends Leela learns that the values of the Resistance leaders match her own.

As for Eris, well, he only knows Leela through the lens of the Gallifreayn Hot Goss about the Lady Romanadvoratrelundar and her human bodyguard.

It’s a good dynamic!

ERIS: Leela? As in Romana’s Leela? LEELA: As in friend of Romana, yes.

I recently rewatched The Invisible Enemy, so Leela’s insistence that she doesn’t know how to fly a TARDIS got a reaction out of me since she PILOTED THE DOCTOR’S TARDIS BY HERSELF ON TV (insert some grumpy mumbling about how Leela is a genius and that isn’t appreciated enough here).

I have no idea what the hell happened with the Livia subplot. I was really excited by it at first, it felt like it was building to something.... but uh, the conclusion of Livia’s story felt like it could have been achieved in the exact same manner without what was established here. Livia is far and away my favorite of the characters who joined Gallifrey’s main cast for the Time War arc (with the caveat that she was first introduced back in Enemy Lines of course), and I wish her arc - like many of the character’s - had been brought to a more satisfying conclusion.

But that could simply be a reflection of the fact that Time War itself is devoid of satisfaction and meaning.

LIVIA: Is anybody ANYBODY round here considering that there is no point in winning this war if we destroy most of the universe in the process? MANTUS: Well clearly you are. (later at the end of the scene) LIVIA: It bothers me. MANTUS: I can see that. I know Rassilon seemed to take some perverse pleasure in your previous transgressions, but you’re beginning to sound more and more like Romana. Ask yourself if that’s wise.

Where did they get the intelligence about Romana being exterminated on Unity? Mantus knew so many details about what happened there, such as the fact that she turned herself in, and the only person around to witness any of it - other than the Daleks - was Brax? I ask but “I am not at liberty to say” is very close to the age old “I’ll explain later/I’ll tell you sometime” excuse the Doctor often uses to hand wave explanations away, so I am fine with just going along with it. Doctor Who and its associated media requires a full suspension of all disbelief and I am willing to oblige.

It wasn’t until I reached the interviews at the end that I realized that Leela’s adventures with the War Doctor took place between episodes of Gallifrey: Time War 3.

Personally I would have assumed the big battle where she was injured happened after this box, but the behind the scenes says Gallifrey: Time War 3 links up with The War Doctor audios with her so.... that’s a timeline to make sense of.

Wait, new important question, does this mean the Time Lord who kept visiting her, trying to jog her memory when she had amnesia, was Brax? When I had first finished the box - before getting to the interviews - I thought the new implication was that her vistor was Eris, but I guess it was Brax? Yeah no, actually you know what, no. The War Doctor stuff Leela had was after this box, it in no way fits during Gallifrey: Time War 3 and the Time Lord who kept visiting Leela was either Eris or Narvin magically still alive.

The first time I listened to this I kept thinking this was going to be the story of how she wound up with amnesia and was terrified for her, certain every moment was going to be Leela’s last with her memories intact. After that first listen however I remembered that we were given details about the battle where Leela lost her memories and this in no way matches that, which just goes to show that sometimes only vaguely half remembering parts of one story can enhance another.

I highly approve of Leela suplexing Eris and then tying him up when he called her weaker than him.

ERIS: I thought you were on our side! LEELA: You should not pay too much attention to your thoughts. What do your instincts tell you? ERIS: Romana trusts you! LEELA: Romana does not say I am weak! ERIS: I never said you were! LEELA: I may not be a Time Lord but I believe that I have seen more, done more, been more than you. (pause) You speak of Romana... ERIS: Yes? LEELA: Did she never mention me? ERIS: We didn’t speak of much beyond the war! I know of you, obviously. LEELA: (sighs) ERIS: I know you were her bodyguard. Then seconded to the War Council. LEELA: If that is all you know of me, then that is not much.

I love how this calls to mind one of the Doctor’s speeches on TV

DOCTOR: I've lived longer, seen more, loved more and lost more. - from It Takes You Away by Ed Hime (BBC - 2018)

I also love how Leela’s feelings about Eris really are cemented when he shows himself to be someone who is loyal to his friends. That has always been a trait Leela highly values.

LEELA: (after hearing about all the dangers of going into the Deception Field) ...why were you prepared to do it? ERIS: I can not abandon them! Castine and Filius, they are my friends! I have to try! LEELA: Then let us try. Narvin was right. I do like you.

That said, one nitpick I had with the conversation before Leela stepped into the Deception Field was that it would have been a good place to drop some mention that she’s had her senses inhibited before/she can navigate and track without sight, something like that.

Unsurprisingly, whenever we check in with him Rassilon is really.... a lot.

RASSILON: Malcontents! I have no time for malcontents! Rebels, resistors, renegades, let me call them what they are - an insignificant irritant. The strength of Gallifrey will not be undermined by the (did not catch this word) attempts of a few naysayers. I will be clear. Those who are not for me are against me. And those who are against me will be dealt with. Swiftly. Effectively. Completely. I will not fight a war on two fronts, those who question the right of what I do will not be tolerated. Solidarity. Unity. Allegiance. These are the watchwords. Solidarity with the cause. Unity in the fight. Allegiance to your president! Anything less will not be tolerated. Swift retribution will be delt to the faithless.The perfidious minority will be treated like the vermin that they are, and like vermin they will be exterminated.

Livia is understandably terrified by this speech, and Mantus is - predictably given that he is Rassilon’s head enforcer - happy to justify it.

That is basically the role these two play in every one of their check ins. Livia doubts Rassilon’s leadership, Mantus will do whatever mental somersaults are necessary to justify everything Rassilon says, and all of it feels that much more exhausting to listen to after all the political fun we’ve been having here in America as of late.

LIVIA: You do agree with me that Rassilon is distancing himself from the practicalities of government? MANTUS: Hmmm... he is. More and more. LIVIA: But the more I think about it, is he distancing himself or elevating himself? Did you not notice how often he used the word “I” in that speech? What happened to “us” and “we”? And “exterminate”! Really? MANTUS: I thought that would get you going. He was being provocative. LIVIA: Well consider me provoked! MANTUS: Livia, be careful! Your own rhetoric is beginning to sound dangerous. LIVIA: Dangerous to whom? MANTUS: To you.

Leela seeing visions of a life where she was a mother/the child she could have had and then having that taken from her/seeing that child harmed is kind of a recurring thing for Big Finish at this point. It happened in the 4DAs (in The Crowmarsh Experiment by David Llewellyn), it happened in Time War 3 (in Mother Tongue by Helen Goldwyn), and now it happens again here. I haven’t been the biggest fan of it at any point, tbh. There are times it works better than others (I’d say The Crowmarsh Experiment was the most successful use of this trope, mainly because it involved her making an Amy’s Choice type decision) Especially since she HAS a son now - she has Rayo!

It really says a lot about Leela’s reputation among the Resistance that we are told the Resistance views her as far faaar more valuable than two Time Lord agents still working undercover within Gallifreyan agencies.

All this time taken to save Castine, and we never see her again.

Livia then checks in with the Resistance, revealing herself to the listeners as a double agent for the Resistance. She is aware that Castine and Filius are also Resistance agents and seems to have authority to order the direction of Resistance missions. This is fascinating!

It is through the horror that is the Distortion Field that Leela truly comes to terms with what the Time Lords have become in the War, shouting that she can not fight a war where all sides are corrupt.

Meanwhile on Gallifrey Rassilon is full steam ahead for his ultimate plan for the Time Lords to shed their physical forms.

RASSILON: This is a time of great anticipation. The ascension to the apex can not now be hauled. MANTUS: What does that mean? LIVIA: (shushes him) Listen! RASSILON: I will not speak to you again of dissent. I will not speak to you again of discord. And the reason is this: all resistance has been crushed! All renegades routed out and chased down! Where there was dissonance, enormous retribution has been delivered! The traitorous Resistance has been utterly and irrefutably annihilated! (crowd cheers) MANTUS: Has it? LIVIA: The Resistance core is discovered. MANTUS: I know, but... irrefutably annihilated? LIVIA: No. Not nearly. RASSILON: The great glory draws near. And nobody will resist. (crowd cheers)

Eris susses out that Yaacob is a double agent, and Yaacob reveals that Livia is on their side as his excuse for his own sketchy behavior. Then Mantus immediately reveals that Yaacob WAS his agent in the Resistance, and Yaacob... lies to protect Livia and continue to mask her identity. Yaacob is then killed off by Mantus, and Mantus... does not confront Livia about possibly being a member of the Resistance.

I don’t remember Romana telling Leela about Livia siding with her against Rassilon, did that happen in Time War 3 and I am just forgetting? Or did that occur off screen (off mic?)?

Leela and Eris then reach Narvin on their communicator. We hear from Narvin following the events of Dissolution, as our lead in to Dissolution.

(comms beep) ERIS: Yaacob? NARVIN: Eris? Is that you? ERIS: Narvin? I’m with Leela! NARVIN: Leela! Oh! Finally! LEELA: Naaarviiin! Narvin, is Rayo with you? NARVIN: Not anymore. LEELA: Oh. NARVIN: I’ll explain when I see you. I’m on my way to you now. ERIS: Leela told me about Romana, Narvin. That’s bad news. NARVIN: Eris, listen. Rayo said you have a plan. ERIS: We’ve been working on disruption fields. Dissrupting temporal travel for both Gallifrey and Skaro. But now, I’m thinking- NARVIN: Disrupting isn’t enough. The war is escalating. You need to destroy the vortex. ERIS: The toxins that create the disruption field. If we just exploded them in the Untempered Scism... NARVIN: To do that... ERIS: I know. LEELA: We must return to Gallifrey.

Dissolution by Lou Morgan

We go from that message broadcast from the end of Dissolution, back to the evacuation of the Resistance base in Deception, picking up with Rayo looking for Leela in the chaos and Narvin finding him and rescuing him in his TARDIS.

We hear that the Daleks were invading the base themselves, which causes Narvin to give up on waiting for Leela.

I love the difference in Narvin and Rayo’s understanding of the situation.

Rayo doesn’t trust Narvin and thinks he abandoned Leela and is lying to his allies.

Meanwhile Narvin only cares about respecting the wishes of the women he loves. He’s going to keep his promise to Romana and make sure Leela thinks Romana used the Chameleon Arch before the Daleks arrived, and he’s going to devote himself to Leela’s goals and keep Rayo safe. That’s all he cares about. No more and no less. He would take on a Dalek fully unarmed if it might keep Rayo safe, that human teen is all he has left.

NARVIN: There we go. We escaped. Just. Are you all right? RAYO: You left her. NARVIN: I know. RAYO: You! Left! Her! NARVIN: Rayo (sighs) I had- RAYO: No! Whatever you were going to say, don’t. NARVIN: You don’t understand. RAYO: No. I don’t. No wonder she didn’t trust you. NARVIN: What?!?! RAYO: Leela. She didn’t trust you. Thought you were hiding something from her. From everyone. NARVIN: Everyone! And who exactly would that be? RAYO: The Resistance. NARVIN: The Resistance? Hah!

Since the Daleks are pursuing their TARDIS, Narvin takes them - with the telepathic circuits - to somewhere he thinks might be safe, even in the midst of the war.

That safe place is Micallonm, a place specifically designed for Time Lords in the Patrex order to go to enjoy nature, watch the water, contemplate beauty and art and relax.

I love how Rayo, someone who grew up on a irradiated battle torn planet, marvels over the beauty of this world while Narvin dismisses it all out of hand.

Narvin responding “plants aren’t my department” when asked about a specific type of tree in a place where he has spent a great deal of time is hilarious.

RAYO: Where are we? NARVIN: The one place in the universe I swore I would never come back to. RAYO: Wha? THE APOTHECARY: Yet here you are, Cousin Narvin. NARVIN: Just Narvin. We don’t need all that nonsense. THE APOTHECARY: (chuckles) How informal of you. Still, as a member of Patrex Chapter, however reluctant, you are always welcome here, as is your guest.

The retreat is near abandoned, everyone in the Patrex Chapter save for the one individual who runs and manages this retreat is now focused on nothing but the War. This lone caretaker is the Apothecary.

The Apothecary clearly knows Narvin well, something expressed through her knowing to ask the real questions - questions like “When was the last time you ate anything?” or pointing out when Narvin could do with a good nap. Of course the best sign that she knows Narvin well is her knowledge that Narvin has absolutely no sense of self preservation and would easily sacrifice his life for others.

Narvin responds to spending time in a place of beauty and relaxation about as well as my cat responds to being given a bath.

I love how Narvin keeps seeing everything through the lens of “what would Romana and/or Leela say if they were here?”

THE APOTHECARY: Always the details, never the whole. NARVIN: (sighs) a ludicrous sentiment! Like everything else here. Pseudo-mystical babble, Romana would have called it. (sighs, then chuckles) Oh. (more sad chuckles) Oh, listen to me. I used to think there was no place for sentimentality in all this. I truly believed it. Now... seems to be all I have left. Romana gone and... (sighs) Rayo was Leela’s responsibility! He was hers! And when I... left her... on Nesteria, when I... chose to leave her (sighs) I made him mine. But... what else could I have done? THE APOTHECARY: Nothing. And yet you still feel guilty. NARVIN: Guilty? (laughs) Guilty! Oh! Oh, if you knew some of the things I’ve done in my time... what I’ve had to do. THE APOTHECARY: You think I haven’t followed your career? Or that even out here there were never rumors about you? What you had done, what they thought you would do? You were always ambitious, yes. Perhaps a little pompous. NARVIN: Pompous!?!? THE APOTHECARY: But never naive.

I bet the “sit by someone’s bed as they recover and heal from injuries as a threat to annoy them until they do what you want” maneuver Narvin deploys against Rayo here was learned from Leela following the events of Annihilation.

This story is an interesting exploration of how for all that Narvin began the series a conservative staunch institutionalist who deeply believed in the traditional ways Gallifrey has always done things... he had already in his personal life rejected what he was told about what a member of his Chapter House should be.

THE APOTHECARY: Did you ever stop to ask yourself if you changed because you turned your back on your Chapter, or if you turned your back on your Chapter because you changed?

Narvin became a member of Patrex Chapter House because that is simply what someone from his House did. He didn’t fit with Patrex, he rejected all that Patrexi Time Lords are supposed to be... yet still the idea he could have been anything else never occurred to him.

NARVIN: Well... here you are. I think that’s why the Patrex Chapter chose it. No distractions. RAYO: From what? NARVIN: The contemplation of beauty. That’s what this place was designed for. Time Lords from my Chapter, my House, used to come here to retreat from the universe. They would stare at the walls and the waves and congratulate themselves on admiring the view, before going back to Gallifrey refreshed and rejuvenated, and just as pointless and powerless as ever. RAYO: Sounds as though you didn’t like them very much. NARVIN: Oh, it isn’t that. More that... (sighs) I never understood them. RAYO: But they’re... what? Your family? Your house? NARVIN: I suppose that was the idea in the beginning. That the Houses together would keep Gallifrey turning. That each Chapter would balance out the others. There would always be someone to stop things from... (sighs) going too far. That’s worked out well, hasn’t it? RAYO: What about your friend Romana? Was she one of you? NARVIN: Romana? A Patrex!?! (laughs) No! No. No. But even when we were on opposite sides, I think I understood her better than I ever did any of my own Chapter. Hmm. And I think, perhaps, she understood me too. RAYO: Doesn’t that make her your family, then? NARVIN: Romana has always been... Romana. For better or worse. RAYO: And Leela? NARVIN: Oh (chuckles) Leela has always most definitely been Leela. (Rayo joins Narvin in the dry awkward chuckling) RAYO: Sounds about right.

He is now - at the end of his arc - fully aware that Leela (a human) and Romana (a Prydonian) are his family. They are his family in ways other members of his House never were.

THE APOTHECARY: Can’t sleep? NARVIN: Hmm? No. No. (Sighs) I don’t seem to be able to. Rather a lot on my mind. THE APOTHECARY: They’re on your mind, aren’t they? Both of them. NARVIN: I keep going over and over it in my head. The last conversation I had with Romana. I should have stopped her! THE APOTHECARY: Tell me something, did you ever think she was a fool? NARVIN: Romana?!? No! Infuriating, yes. Never exactly foolish. THE APOTHECARY: Well then, she must have had her reasons. Tell yourself to trust in that. NARVIN: Heh. And Leela? What am I supposed to tell myself about her? THE APOTHECARY: What you have to. NARVIN: I left her! After everything we went through to find her, I left her! THE APOTHECARY: But you didn’t leave Rayo.

It is a fascinating addition to his character, this underlying rejection of being a member of Patrex House that puts a wonderful final punctuation on his character arc.

The flashback to a younger Narvin bristling about how worthless the whole place was, how worthless his whole Chapter is, was an interesting look at how Narvin never felt like he properly fit into Gallifreyan society - which runs counter to the staunch defender of the Gallifreyan status quo he once tried to be.

NARVIN: Worthless! This whole place! THE APOTHECARY: You don’t have to leave, Narvin. NARVIN: (Sighs) Of course I do! I can’t-! Don’t you see? THE APOTHECARY: You are Patrex Chapter. This is our second home. You belong here a much as any of us. NARVIN: No. No, I don’t. I mean, what’s it for? Sitting here in splendid isolation? Spending my time contemplating clockwork and stained glass and... shadows! When there are things that really matter to be dealt with! THE APOTHECARY: And you don’t believe the beauty of the strands of time to be worthy of your talents? NARVIN: I believe I can be useful to Gallifrey now! By studying real data! Through action, not by... peering into a murky future that anyone with half a brain could change on a whim! THE APOTHECARY: I see. NARVIN: Do you? Really? Because I wonder if anyone does. If anyone understands! The CIA could be so much more! If only they would embrace... THE APOTHECARY: Embrace you? NARVIN: (sighs) Well, why not? Ugh, go back to pondering your pretty little murals and your pretty little machines and your pretty little world, where no one would ever dream of getting their hands dirty! I intend to make a difference! THE APOTHECARY: You mean make a name for yourself. NARVIN: Aren’t they the same thing? THE APOTHECARY: Hmmm. You tell me.

I enjoy this chance to really focus on Narvin because well... this is the end of his arc and growth. The moment to reflect on this character’s journey at the very end. For all that his death comes in Homecoming, this is his narrative end. I said my goodbyes to the character here, in this place of contemplation, since I was certain that being the series finale he would finally do the thing he kept trying to do over and over and over again throughout the series - die to protect Romana and/or Leela.

I also love how before his death Narvin accepts a part of his past he always rejected. He comes to Micallonm and he reflects on his life, on his choices, on his relationships. He looks back on all that he’s done, and he commits himself to what he knows will be his final mission. He finally takes the time to use Micallonm as a place of contemplation.

This is where we learn that the Daleks are hunting down any and all known associates of Romana, although the purpose of this attempt to round her friends up is unknown.

NARVIN: Go to Gallifrey... I can’t go back to Gallifrey, it’s impossible. RAYO: It’s your home, isn’t it? NARVIN: Not anymore. The Gallifrey I knew, the one I believed in... is gone. I already tried to save it, and I couldn’t! I tried! RAYO: Try again! THE APOTHECARY: Rayo! RAYO: No, really, try again. You think I wouldn’t save Unity if I could? If I could make it better, if I could save mum, I’d do anything to able to fix it, to be able to go home! NARVIN: (scoffs) I don’t want to go home. RAYO: Put everything back to how it was, how it should be, but I can’t because it’s just me! You’re a Time Lord with a spaceship and... a way to make a difference! A way to help the Resistance! NARVIN: I’m also an exile. Did you know that? THE APOTHECARY: An exile? How? NARVIN: Doesn’t matter now. But if I go back, as you want me to, they will execute me. Or worse. THE APOTHECARY: You don’t understand what you’re asking, Rayo. You can’t, and that’s no bad thing. RAYO: Then make me! Make me understand why you’re not even willing to try! NARVIN: That’s enough!!! Now let me!!!! Be perfectly clear!!! Just so you know what you’re asking, if I return to Gallifrey, and I am caught, I will be tried - except of course the days of an honest trial in the Capitol are long gone, if they ever existed in the first place. I know a little about that. But I will be tried after a fashion, and I will be found guilty of whatever charges Rassilon sees fit to lay upon my head. I will be executed, publicly and painfully, wiped from the Matrix. I’ve seen it happen to others. They won’t just kill me. They will erase me. Now, knowing all that, you’d ask me to do it anyway? RAYO: Yes. NARVIN: (Sighs) RAYO: Because if it were me, I’d do it. Somebody has to do the right thing! NARVIN: Your mother taught you that. RAYO: And Leela! Because this, what’s happening, has to stop somewhere! And if it isn’t on Gallifrey, it won’t be anywhere! This war, your war, will keep spreading and planets like mine will suffer more than anyone else! They’ll just be like unity! And all those worlds and everyone on them will die, unless somebody takes a stand. Now! Before it’s too late! You stood in front of that Dalek, even though you were afraid, right? NARVIN: Yes. RAYO: Then do it again! THE APOTHECARY: Gallifrey must stand. NARVIN: Gallifrey can burn for all I care!

Narvin voicing that he doesn’t believe Gallifrey’s justice system ever had even a hint of justice within it sure is something, huh.

Bet he was thinking about Darkel and her antics.

I don’t buy Narvin’s story. I don’t. Narvin is not a character with a strong sense of self preservation, he is generally down to give his life for what he believes in (if his story was supposed to convince the listener I feel “I wish I could ask Romana if she thinks this would be a good plan. The last time I made a big choice like this by myself it started the Time War” or “I can’t commit to taking this action until I’ve fully found out why the Daleks are rounding up Romana’s allies” hell even ”Despite it all I still believe in the promise of what Gallifrey could be and can’t ruin that by poisoning the vortex” would be more convincing). I find it hard to believe that Narvin - Mr. overwhelming guilt himself - Narvin, who believes both Romana and Leela are already lost - is not suicidal enough that being erased would not scare him. Hell, I think a part of him would welcome the temporal strain his erasure from the timeline would put on the Time War’s very existence, would half-hope that his removal would erase the war, or at least make its existence that much more complicated.

The later reason given, that Narvin will not risk bringing Rayo to Gallifrey, that Narvin needs to protect Rayo and keep him safe, now THAT sounds far more believable to me. That is less his own life he wants to protect, and more Rayo’s.

I think (and obs no one has to agree with me!) the earlier excuses were because he recognized that Rayo has as little concern for his own life as Narvin himself, so as he lays out the risks, what being erased means, he has to frame those dangers as present for someone other than Rayo, both because it hurts less for him to picture his own erasure, and because he thinks that would be more convincing in his attempt to dissuade Rayo.

By this point, talking Rayo out of embarking on a suicide mission, getting him to trust that Narvin is trying to keep him safe, is so important to Narvin he breaks his promise to Romana. He opens up about how she refused to use the Chameleon Arch he had given her, laying it all on the line to talk Rayo out of martyring himself for the Resistance’s cause.

RAYO: What are you doing? NARVIN: Ah. We are leaving. RAYO: I told you! I’m not going anywhere that isn’t Gallifrey. NARVIN: And I made it perfectly clear that is exactly where we are going. Anywhere that isn’t Gallifrey. RAYO: So you’re a coward after all then? NARVIN: (sighing) I’m a realist. RAYO: Yeah, sure. Realist. Just as well your friend Romana was gone. Just as well she forgot who you were. Maybe it’s what you deserve. NARVIN: Perhaps she isn’t. RAYO: I don’t understand! Before we left Unity you said she was gone. That she was somebody different. NARVIN: I lied. For her. She knew that Leela would never leave her, so... I had to. And that’s what I was hiding from Leela. From Eris. From everyone. To protect them. And because it was what Romana needed me to do. But then the Daleks came, and... I don’t have to justify myself to you! How could you ever come close to understanding how my world works? Or how it used to! THE APOTHECARY: But I can. I know. (TARDIS controls are beeping) You’ve connected the stabilizer circuit to the shield control. Here. NARVIN: Hmm? Oh. THE APOTHECARY: And I’m afraid those transmission circuits need a little more work. NARVIN: (sighs) Perhaps it’s for the best if we aren’t reachable. THE APOTHECARY: Is that really your plan? To simply cast yourself adrift? NARVIN: Doesn’t seem like the worst idea, all things considered. RAYO: And Leela? NARVIN: Leela is amply capable of taking care of herself. THE APOTHECARY: And you, Narvin? Are you? Is this who you are? NARVIN: Better this than what’s left once Rassilon is finished with me... or him. Even if I were reckless enough to consider it myself, I won’t risk taking Rayo to Gallifrey! You know what they’d do to him. (sighs) But, if we run... THE APOTHECARY: You couldn’t set your memories aside for a single night. It isn’t just the Daleks you’d be running from. If you turn your back now you’ll have to run very very hard. Not that you’ll need to for long of course, because when things come to a head it won’t just be Gallifrey that burns, it’ll be time itself! (scoffs) So much for wanting to make a difference. NARVIN: (sighs) Perhaps you were right last time. Perhaps all I did want was to make a name for myself. (sighs) Either way, I was clearly a fool. THE APOTHECARY: And never able to look past the details to the bigger picture! I know what you’re capable of. RAYO: Now! Now or never! They need you! Please! THE APOTHECARY: You know, I’ve been wondering about taking on an apprentice. Someone to help me here, and a little company. They need to be willing to learn, of course. The problem is finding someone all the way out here. The right person. It’s such an inconspicuous little planet, and so far away from everywhere else! So easy for outsiders to miss, and if I had someone, and with a shield at full capacity... I could activate the isolation protocals and slip us out of space-time all together. NARVIN: What are you saying? THE APOTHECARY: Simply that if the opportunity arose- RAYO: What? Wait. You’re not leaving me? NARVIN: I’m certainly not taking you to Gallifrey. RAYO: But you’d go if I’m not with you? NARVIN: It’s looking like an unpleasantly distinct possibility. If you stay here, you could have a future. I’m not sure I can say the same. What do I have? No home. No regenerations. No allies left and precious few friends. Besides, if this lunatic plan of theirs is to stand a chance, someone has to be there to curb Leela’s.... rasher impulses. THE APOTHECARY: Gallifrey must stand. NARVIN: Gallifrey will stand. The true Gallifrey. Whatever it takes.

As soon as Narvin finds a safe and secure place for Rayo to stay, he is ready to go and throw his life away.

It isn’t any of the Apothecary’s arguments that sway him, her pronouncements of the guilt he would have to shoulder (Narvin is already carrying all the guilt over STARTING the war) or being called a coward or anything like that which gets him to change his mind. No. It was her offer to make Rayo her apprentice.

Before that her arguments were targeted at the old Narvin, the Narvin she once knew, the one we met way back in Weapon of Choice. But that Narvin, he’s long gone. He’s been replaced by a better Time Lord, one who doesn’t care to make a name for himself, just to support his friends.

So once she offers Rayo something Narvin himself never really wanted - a calm and beautiful place to be at peace - then Narvin can go, then Narvin can sacrifice his life to protect what he believes is best for Gallifrey.

Rayo is all Narvin has left. As far as he knows Romana is gone and so is Leela. Rayo... Rayo was Leela’s, and now he is his. He is the most important thing in the universe to him. More important than Gallifrey. Literally.

NARVIN: Thank you. For saying he could stay. THE APOTHECARY: You feel responsible for him, I know. It suits you.

I like the commentary in the behind the scenes section about how Leela was paired with Eris because all they know about each other is that Romana trusts them both, and similarly Narvin and Rayo were paired together because their only point of connection is Leela being family to them both. Therefore their interactions tell us about their relationships with Romana and Leela.

Can you imagine what happened when Narvin told Leela that even in the midst of the Time War he found a safe place for her son to live and grow? Somewhere where he will know peace, and study to be a healer?

I bet she kissed him, real big and passionate, when she heard that.

In the middle of the biggest nightmare war possible, consuming the entirety of space and time, Narvin found a way to protect Rayo! He made sure he would not end up dead on a battlefield! I just.... :’(

And so we end this story with a return to the end of Time War 3. Romana is facing off against the Daleks as they blast her with their gun-sticks. Only now, instead of being a cliffhanger ending, the scene keeps going as Brax’s TARDIS materializes, protecting Romana from the Dalek weaponry with its defense shields. He tells Romana to climb onboard the TARDIS, and presented with an out from the impossible situation she was in, Romana complies.

Beyond by David Llewellyn

You would think after all the other times Brax dues ex machina-ed in to save Romana the “I don’t understand, what are you doing here?” at the start of this one would be a bit redundant.

On repeat listens Zara’s reaction to finding Romana on the random planet of her death is great. Zara (not to be confused with Graceless’s Zara) is a soldier who evacuated ship when a mission Romana ordered went wrong, reliving her death over and over in an endless loop... and then suddenly there is the President of Gallifrey - the very one who ordered her into battle in the first place - standing on the planet’s surface as Zara stumbles out of her Battle TARDIS for the hundredth time.

ZARA: What’s happening? What are YOU doing here? ROMANA: It’s alright. We’re Time Lords, like you. ZARA: I know who you are Lady Romana!

One thing that really dominated as I listened to this, is Romana spent all of Season 4 of Gallifrey traveling from AU to AU, places where the other versions of herself were literal villains. Then she spent all of Season 5 living in one of those timelines, pretending to be a version of herself who literally upheld and advocated for slavery. Romana should be an actual expert on alt. timelines, on confronting versions of yourself you dislike and understanding how just because something is a possible path you could have taken does necessarily mean it is an indictment on your current character. I am not sure if this story really... gets that. Which is extra surprising, because David Llewellyn wrote the final story of Season 5. There is no way he could possibly be ignorant of that whole story arc. So as I listened I found myself constantly wrestling with how to best understand Romana here with that context fully preserved.

I kept returning to how Brax telling Romana about how experiences shape who we are and alt. timeline versions of ourselves are different reminded me of how the Doctor explained how navigation is different in different dimensions to Romana in Neverland. I just kept wanting to shout SHE HAS MORE EXPERIENCE WITH THIS AND SHOULD BE FAR MORE OF AN EXPERT IN THIS AREA THAN ANYONE ELSE PRESENT ACTUALLY.

I suppose it could be argued that this is a bit of a sibling parallel thing between Brax and the Doctor being brought in here? This rekindling of my annoyance that apparently the Doctor forgot all about Romana living in E-Space for an extended period of time and therefore having waaaaaaaay more practical experience with being outside of N-Space than the Doctor does, and Brax forgetting how she spent so much time traveling through alt. timelines and therefore has experience with them was a oh-look-at-the-siblings-being-simular thing. For added fun when trying to see things from that angle, not only did the Doctor first say goodbye to Romana in E-Space, Brax had his big exit from being a proper regular cast member while they were in the Axis.

Throughout this story Brax keeps trying to assert greater expertise than Romana, trying to force a return to a Tutor-Student dynamic with her. He’s here to manipulate Romana into doing what he wants to do, to convince her to let him make the decisions this time.

He uses the novelty around this particular new method of entering an altered space as an excuse to occupy the tutor role, expertly keeping Romana confused, seeking out answers, while casting himself as the only source of valid information. He tells her that no one and nothing they interact with in this space matters, he is the only real being present, his words the only ones she should pay attention to.

BRAX: You shouldn’t have told her we could get her out of the beyond! ROMANA: Well how was I to know? BRAX: It doesn’t matter. What we see here, it’s a projection of things that haven’t happened. Nothing more. It isn’t real. Not in any meaningful sense. ROMANA: You know that isn’t true! She was interacting with us, and her pain looked real enough to me!

I keep thinking about it, and I’ve decided that this story probably would have worked better without the Ravenous in it. I don’t know how much they truly bring to this story, and it is already complex and interesting enough without them.

Gallifrey’s strengths as a series have always been in the character work. Much of this box set however felt like it was stripping the series of its identity, adding in elements that would be at home in any one of Big Finish’s many Time War series.

Overall most of these stories could have done with fewer elements, rather than tossing everything including the kitchen sink in until it was far too crowded for any one element to be given real justice.

BRAX: You know, if it follows that each subsequent layer of the beyond is a preceding moment, we could eventually find ourselves on Gallifrey! ROMANA: I know. BRAX: Not the Gallifrey we recognize. ROMANA: The one I left behind was unfamiliar enough. There’s nothing that could surprise me. Not now. BRAX: Are you certain of that?

Love how this story examines the “Gallifrey is broken now” reaction of going to a different timeline’s Gallifrey. Throughout the story Romana asserts how done with Gallifrey she is. Brax keeps pushing back against that, reminding her of her love of their homeworld.

We are at a point where her allegiance is fully focused on her friends and doing right by them. This is a Romana who did not stay to lead the Resistance, she chose to go to find Leela instead. Yet for Brax’s plan to work he needs her to prioritize Gallifrey’s safety over concerns for others (other planets, other species, etc) and since we know this is all a grand manipulation to get her on side with his plans, it is fascinating to see how part of that work for him was trying to minimize her instinct to prioritize matters relating to friends like Narvin.

BRAX: Remember, this is not a timeline we’re familiar with. There could be a hundred different reasons why [Narvin]’s here! ROMANA: I don’t like this Brax. Of all the moments and all the Time Lords who must have been sent into the beyond, our paths cross with his? What are the chances? BRAX: Oh, well, perhaps there is a certain logic to it, although I’m damned if I can fathom what it is. ROMANA: A meaningful coincidence, you mean? BRAX: Welll, something like that. ROMANA: Brax, we’re Time Lords! There’s no such thing as serendipity. It’s one of those baffling Human concepts like, ugh, astrology!

I dunno Romana, what were the chances that you would have run into alt versions of yourself in all but one of the timelines you visited in Season 4?

And here we finally hit one of the missing tracks! I love this track, and I REALLY felt its absence the first time I heard this story. It contains a meeting between Romana, Brax and alt!Narvin, and it is an absolute delight.

Alt!NARVIN: Who is that! I thought I ordered a complete evacuation! You shouldn’t be here! ROMANA: Narvin. AltNARVIN: (gasps) Romana?!?! And Brax!?! But - What are you doing here?! ROMANA: We might ask you the same question. Alt!NARVIN: You know exactly why I’m here! ROMANA: I really don’t. BRAX: This isn’t our reality, Narvin, nor anyone else’s. Alt!NARVIN: What do you mean?! ROMANA: This timeline is one erased by the war. In our reality it never happens. Alt!Narvin: But it is happening! I’m here right now experiencing every moment of it! BRAX: And how many times have you experienced it, Narvin? ROMANA: Or have you lost count? Alt!NARVIN: It’s it’s it’s it’s a trick of the mind! Nothing more! We’re so close to the blast, the effect of it. The effect it must be having on space-time, that’s all it is. But you’re telling me... it’s not real? ROMANA: That’s right.

It’s hilarious how obnoxiously calm and relaxed both Romana and Brax are throughout that conversation while Narvin stays in full emergency panic mode. A++++ excellent directing and acting here.

Ugh Beyond Track 7 is so vital to this part of the story and am so annoyed it was missing the first time I heard it.

Ok I got that out of my system, I am not going to gripe about any of the other missing tracks from now on.

ROMANA: I would never have agreed to this! Alt!NARVIN: Well you did. ROMANA: Then I am ordering you to call off the attack! Alt!NARVIN: (scoffs) With what authority? You said yourself, you’re not from this reality! You’re not the Romana who gave the order. So what power do you have to rescind it? ROMANA: Narvin, I won’t ask you again! BRAX: Romana, it’s no use. We can’t change anything. Alt!NARVIN: He’s right. Though not for the reason he thinks he is.

For all that Narvin only appears in two scenes in it, I am fascinated by all this story has to say about him.

I love the paralleling between him and Romana facing down death at the end of the last box set! In his emotional goodbye with Romana he asks her to never tell the version of him in her reality about what happened in his reality. It reminds me so much of Romana telling Narvin to hide the truth about the Chameleon Arch from Leela!

This is also where it starts to be harder to wrestle Romana’s past experiences with alternative timelines into my reading of this story. As she finds out more about the version of her in this timeline, she increasingly starts to internalize that her’s actions, treating the choices made in this timeline like decisions she herself was responsible for.

ROMANA: Do you think he was telling the truth? BRAX: He had no reason not to. But it doesn’t matter. ROMANA: Of course it matters! He said I gave the order to destroy Kannovar! How could I do such a thing? BRAX: We’re shaped by events and circumstances, Romana. Who knows what could have happened in this timeline? ROMANA: My fear is that if we keep going further into the beyond, we’ll find out.

That’s the thing that kept bothering me the most about this story. Back in Season 4 Romana didn’t blame herself for the actions of the TIA. She didn’t blame herself for the slavery on the hellish Gallifrey they stayed on until Season 6. She understood that the Romanas of those timelines were the products of entirely different experiences.

The closest to any of that she ever came was when the Romana on capitalist hell Gallifrey was married to Andred and had a kid and she was confused because well... a stay at home wife and mother, with ANDRED?

Which of course shows she is sometimes thrown by the actions of other selves, especially when they are outside of how she sees and understands her own goals and desires, but she had literally JUST SAID in Time War 3 that she feared herself capable of the things she was seeing in that alternative timeline.

Then again, maybe her reactions are fully born out of already knowing what she is and is not capable of. She is capable of being the woman who authorized the attack on the Kannovar system. She is not capable of being someone who wipes the Daleks out of time.

ROMANA: The Paralax. You say it can end the war, you say it is more powerful than weapon? Well? We’ve seen what our weapons are capable of, what does it do exactly? BRAX: It uses a quantum biological network to remove a species from existence. ROMANA: You’re talking extinction? BRAX: (splutters) It’s more complex than that! Its effects are transtemporal. Once it locks on to the genome of a particular species it removes them from time and space. From genesis to extinction, like... deleted code. ROMANA: But that’s monstrous! BRAX: We’re not talking genocide, nobody suffers, they simply were never born. ROMANA: And it’s monstrous! BRAX: Is it any worse than what we saw back there? What you ordered? Twelve billion innocent lives extinguished in a moment? ROMANA: Uh, and what about the anti-genesis codes? The Time Lords swore themselves to protect races throughout time and space from precisely this kind of intervention. We have laws Brax! BRAX: The Daleks aren’t like any other race! They’re a glitch. An aberration. One that should and could have been corrected a very long time ago. Oh don’t you see, Romana? This is our chance! It wouldn’t just mean an end to the war, but an end to every war they ever instigated! ROMANA: And what are the consequences of that? BRAX: Peace! Prosperity! Happiness! ROMANA: (scoffs) Those sound like a politician’s empty slogans. BRAX: And you should know. (softer now) I ran away from the war because I couldn’t bare to see our people sink to such depths. Do you think I would ever propose this unless I thought it was the only hope we have of redeeming ourselves and saving countless others? ROMANA: Perhaps not. BRAX: I have to know that you’re with me on this. ROMANA: It isn’t such an easy choice, Brax!

Romana already suspected herself capable of becoming someone who could justify acts like the destruction of the Kannovar system. What she is reacting to is less a confusion about the separation between timelines and more a confirmation bias of some of her self hatred issues. Therefore she has to keep loudly and vocally rejecting what she sees.

After rejecting the idea she should focus on saving Gallifrey again, Romana is brought to that alternative timeline’s Gallifrey, frozen in a single moment in time. Burning.

She and Brax walk through the devastation towards the panoptican. Towards something Romana truly can not bare to face the possibly of.

As they walk Brax, for reasons unknown, is surprised to learn that Romana does not trust him.

She then calls Brax out on his habit of swooping in at the very last moment with some big gesture, as opposed to being there for all the hard stuff in between.

There are some interesting, subtle, comparisons between Brax and Narvin going on throughout this story, and Romana clearly has far more respect for Narvin’s approach than Brax’s.

ROMANA: I feel so helpless. All these people! All this suffering! Just... frozen in time. BRAX: Remember, it’s a moment that won’t happen. ROMANA: Well not today, perhaps, but soon. They’re are only so many ways this war can end! BRAX: And we’re so very close to finding one of them. ROMANA: So you keep saying. BRAX: You don’t trust me? ROMANA: I know you too well to ever trust you entirely, Brax. BRAX: That’s... that’s not fair! ROMANA: Not fair? (laughs) Where were you when everything was falling apart all around us? BRAX: I told you, I couldn’t bare to see what was happening to our world, our people! ROMANA: (scoffs) So it was cowardice? BRAX: Don’t say that! I risked my life and broke countless laws of time and physics to bring you here! To offer you the chance to bring an end to all this destruction and bloodshed! To stop this, THIS, from ever happening! ROMANA: (scoffs) There’s more to it than that. BRAX: What do you mean? ROMANA: I know you, Brax. I’ve known you for a very long time. And as much as we might be friends, I know how duplicitous you can be. BRAX: Duplicitous?! ROMANA: There’s something you’re not telling me! And what you have shared, I had to squeeze from you! Question by question I got answers. But you’re still holding something back! What is it? BRAX: It’s too difficult to explain. ROMANA: Try me! BRAX: If I told you, you might have second thoughts. ROMANA: Ugh, I knew it. BRAX: No solution to this war will come without compromise! We’ve seen a world where you thought the only answer was to sacrifice billions of innocent lives. ROMANA: But that wasn’t me! BRAX: Wasn’t it? ROMANA: You said that- BRAX: Oh, I said many things to put your mind at rest! To keep you focused on the task at hand! But yes, the Romana who ordered the destruction of Kannovar, that was you. Oh, perhaps in our reality it won’t be Kannovar, perhaps it will be some other system, or another world, or an entire universe! It’ll still be you who makes that call! But if we do this, if we find and activate the paralax, it just might stop you from becoming that person! That’s what at stake here! Forget Narvin, or Gallifrey or the whole Kannovar system! I know exactly what kind of Time Lord I am. I know how flawed and how venial I can be. But you’re meant to be the best of us! So if it means saving you, then it’s worth it.

Which reminds me, how much does Romana know about how Narvin started this war?

It is really fascinating that Brax’s plan to save Romana (wipe the Daleks out of time) is the exact same plan Narvin came up with to save Romana in Series 6, the very one that started this Time War in the first place.

Yet where Brax invisions himself as the hero of the story, the guy who will end the war and do it with Romana by his side, Narvin... Narvin was just doing what he had to. It wasn’t about him at all, it was all about her.

This is also where we get to Brax explaining alt. timeline selves to Romana.

Again I feel frustrated, remembering all the times she’s seen other hers before. She knows what those other hers were capable of, and so much of the thrust of her arc has been about confronting what she is capable of doing and making better choices anyway (for example, it would have been easier remain the Imperiartrix and rule Gallifrey with an iron fist to cut through any and all red tape etc). She doesn’t always manage to fully disinherit the various possible other versions of herself she gets confronted with (here’s looking at you Season 5) but generally when confronted with the Imperiartrix within the Matrix, with Pandora, with all the many Romana’s encountered in the Axis, with Tre... Romana rejects these fractured mirrors and chooses her own way forward.

But Brax isn’t permitting her to have a choice here. Oh, he’s good at what he does, sure, time after time he acts as if she has one, but whenever Romana reasserts her agency and her boundaries (erasing the Daleks is off limits) he disparages her and acts as if she has to go along with his plan ~for her own sake.~

I now have to interrupt this exploration of Brax and Romana’s relationship at this point to enter “crying about Romana and Leela” hours.

Because as they argue and make their way through the frozen devastation on Gallifrey, Brax and Romana reach the event that caused that universe’s Romana to order the deaths of billions of innocents. The thing that filled her with enough rage and pain that she no longer cared about what is and is not right.

Leela.

Leela was killed, and now Romana is confronted with her in the moment of Leela’s death, frozen just before her life ended, and she is unable to do anything to change it.

The scene that follows is just heart breaking. Romana can shoulder just about anything, but not this. Never this.

Also ughhh she is so upset that she can’t even talk to Leela.

ROMANA: I just wish there was some way I could talk to her! Tell her I’m... (sighs) sorry.

Before that pause she was going to say she is in love with Leela.

That’s my take, nothing will ever change my mind on that front.

Brax uses Romana’s upset over seeing Leela in this state as an opportunity to press his earlier arguments home, not backing down until Romana leaves, crying.

Which is when she hears Leela saying her name. She runs back to Leela, and Leela starts to repeat a message to her over and over “Romana, get away from here,” as Romana sobs and apologizes for wanting Leela by her side - tracking her down over and over to keep her with her - and therefore putting her in danger.

Then the moment unfreezes, and Romana witnesses Leela’s death.

She is shaken beyond belief. Leela, Leela with her one singular precious life, gone before her eyes.

The threat of losing Leela would drive Romana to make terrible choices... just as the threat of losing Romana currently drives Brax.

Brax sees Romana’s grief, sees her sobbing over Leela’s death, and returns to talking about the plan Romana has already told him she doesn’t want to carry out.

There is an odd moment, as they travel in Brax’s TARDIS to where the older Brax is waiting, where Romana calls the her on the alt Gallifrey they just left the worst possible version of herself. It is echoed later on as well by the older Brax.

I.... really do not get that at all.

She’s seen far worse versions of herself in the past. Pretended to be them for extended periods of time, even, after they were assassinated on their horrible Gallifrey that did horrible things.

But perhaps the reason that felt like the worst version of herself that she has seen, even after Season 4, even after the vision in the Matrix she saw in Neverland.... unlike those those other examples, she understands what happened there entirely. She entirely gets how losing Leela like that could cause her to lose her way.

And then, as they make this journey to a location they still are fully ignorant of, for the first time I am aware of, Romana and Brax talk to each other about the Doctor.

ROMANA: If we do get out of this, will you come back? BRAX: To Gallifrey? Ugh, I don’t know. Hasn’t felt like home in a very very long time. I’m not sure that it ever did. (short laugh) Runs in the family. The desire to get away, to see what’s out there. (pause) Have you.... seen him lately? ROMANA: Who? BRAX: You know who. ROMANA: Oh! No. Others have. I’m told he’s changed. BRAX: For better or worse? ROMANA: The later. BRAX: This war makes monsters of us all. (pause) I’ve come to accept that I shall probably never see him again. It’s a strange emotion. We’re on such different paths. Always have been, really.

I love this moment, I really really do.

Just as I love Romana and Brax talking about how Romana has not told Brax about every adventure she’s been on, that there parts of her life he truly doesn’t know and will never know. I also love how that becomes her opening to reject Brax’s plan again, giving him even more reasons why she doesn’t want to help him with it.

As for Brax, he needs her to fully accept that she is capable of genocide, that the thing he is proposing she do is not as horrific and outside the bounds of her behavior as she would normally believe. During their journey he was purposefully traumatising her, showing her Narvin and Leela’s deaths, telling her those things were her fault, all towards the ultimate end of weakening her objections to his plan.

BRAX: That’s an impressive fire, considering how little we had to work with. ROMANA: It’s a trick I learned when I was stranded on the desert moon of Zarvah. BRAX: You never told me about that! ROMANA: We’re Time Lords, Brax! If we shared every single anecdote we’d have no time for anything else. BRAX: (laughs) Very true! ROMANA: Though of course there are some things we should share. BRAX: Ah, I think I know where this is leading. ROMANA: Then why don’t we skip past the bit where you prevaricate? BRAX: (sighs) The Paralax. You’re right. I didn’t tell you everything. ROMANA: Well there’s a surprise! BRAX: It doesn’t just erase the target species from existence. ROMANA: Go on. BRAX: You said yourself, there could be consequences for doing just that. ROMANA: Not could. Would. If a civilization plays that great a part in the history of the universe, removing them (scoffs) well it would be like a chain reaction surly! BRAX: In a manner of speaking. Yes. ROMANA: So what does it do? BRAX: Gallifrey would be safe! But.... any other worlds that the Daleks have invaded or attacked, worlds without protections against the temporal shifts, would... be extinguished. ROMANA: I see. BRAX: It would be the universe’s way of finding equilibrium! Of balancing everything out! ROMANA: You make it sound all so matter of fact. BRAX: I don’t know how else I’m meant to make it sound. ROMANA: Like murder. Like genocide. Like an atrocity! BRAX: There would be no suffering, no great cataclysm, just an absence! ROMANA: Just an absence? Think of the worlds we’re talking about! Raxos, Plutonia 7, Armegedos, Eridius, Earth! The list goes on and on and on! All those worlds! Obliterated! BRAX: So that the rest of the universe can survive! ROMANA: Yeah, but at what cost!?! How could the rest of us live with ourselves? And as for us, you and me, we would know precisely what we had done! Ours wouldn’t even be a survivor’s guilt, ours would be the shame of mass murderers! BRAX: The storm is going down. ROMANA: Well, I suppose that now that we are here, there is nothing I can do to stop you! BRAX: Oh, there is. ROMANA: Really? BRAX: If the stories about it are true, the Paralax needs the authorization of two Time Lords. We have a few too many renegades for it to be activated by one of us acting alone. ROMANA: And if I refuse? BRAX: Then the war continues. And we both know that would almost certainly mean the complete annihilation of both sides. No one wins. ROMANA: How dare you bring me here! BRAX: Would your choices out there in our own reality been any easier? ROMANA: No. But they would have been MINE to make!

They then discover that the engineer who built and guards the weapon at the center of their quest is none other than Brax himself. An older Brax.

I love the older Brax so much.

He narrows in on Romana’s disdain for the plan, and where the younger Brax is all about manipulating her into assisting him, the older one is not. He asks her about her hesitancy and she prevaricates a bit, minimizing her objections.

This older Brax, you can feel how he’s had plenty of time to reflect on the actions he took, on his regrets.

Old!BRAX: So, you’ve come here to use the Paralax to wipe out the enemy. Young!BRAX: That’s right. Old!BRAX: And you are fully aware of its consequences? Young!BRAX: I am. Old!BRAX: Romana? ROMANA: Ye-es. Old!BRAX: I sense some hesitation. ROMANA: Oh, I just wonder who gave us the right to do this. Old!BRAX: Oh! Well, that’s a good question. One I’ve pondered many times.

Romana’s rejection of Brax’s plan here, questioning if she has the right to wipe the Daleks out of time, naturally calls the Fourth Doctor to mind, which is both an immediate reminder of her own past as a companion, and - given that she just stated she dislikes the War Doctor - an interesting reflection on the Doctor’s own eventual struggle over taking drastic measures to end the war.

It also called to mind the very first time Romana was shown in the Imperatrix role, way back in Neverland. Her refusal to follow that path is yet another rejection of an alternative self she had been confronted with in her past.

DOCTOR: ...Where am I now? The Panopticon? I don’t approve of the decor. And certainly not this nasty heads on spikes motif! WOMAN: Get out of the way, will you! Mad one! Talking to yourself like some simple Shobogan! DOCTOR: Sorry, I was, eh- WOMAN: You are obstructing the view! DOCTOR: What view? What? WOMAN: Cretin. (crowd cheers) WOMAN: She’s here! She’s coming! VOICE: Silence! Silence for your Imperatrix! DOCTOR: Who is she, this Imperatrix? WOMAN: Shhhh! Do you want to get us both executed? DOCTOR: Well she seems… no, no, familiar? WOMAN: Shhhh! ROMANA: My people! I am your Imperatrix. Today you will bare witness to a judgement on our enemies! DOCTOR: Romana? No! No, it can’t be! ROMANA: We strive to obtain unending glory for all our people. For the furtherment of our civilization. The one true society! Yet there are those who challenge our beliefs. Those who follow different paths. Other timelines. Such beliefs can not be permitted! (crowd cheers) ROMANA: I am to communicate with a representative of one such group. Observe the viewscreen! Identify yourself to us! DALEK EMPEROR: I AM THE EMPEROR OF THE DALEK RACE! TIME LADY I DEMAND YOU AUTHORIZE OUR RELEASE! ROMANA: You DARE demand anything of us?! Emperor Dalek, we are proud to declare that you and your entire fleet of Daleks… you are our prisoners! (crowd cheers) DALEK EMPEROR: NO! THE DALEK FLEET IS HELD IN A TIME POCKET HERE IN THE DARKNESS OF THE VORTEX! BUT YOU NEED US! YOUR CONTINUITY CAN NOT SURVIVE WITHOUT US! RELEASE US! NOW! ROMANA: You are an enemy of our people! Your request is denied! This creature, and the remaining battalions of its wretched race we hold outside the bounds of space-time. We now have the ability to extinguish these Daleks in an instant. Crush them within the bounds of their prison! We have decided that this course must now be carried out! (crowd cheers) DOCTOR: No! No! This isn’t how we do things! DALEK EMPEROR: TIME LADY! YOU CAN NOT EXTERMINATE THE DALEK RACE! ROMANA: Oh yes, I can! (Weapon powers up with loud noise) DALEK EMPEROR: PLEASE! HAVE PITY! ROMANA: Pity? I don’t think so! (Weapon fires) ROMANA: So, does anyone else care to disagree with ME?! (crowd cheers) DOCTOR: This is terrible! Terrible! Romana! Romana the Web of Time! What about the Web of Time? WOMAN: What’s wrong with you? MAN 1: He challenges our Imperatrix! MAN 2: Get him! DOCTOR: No! This isn’t how things should be! WOMAN: Teach this traitor a lesson! MAN 1: Kill him! MAN 2: Rip his hearts out! DOCTOR: What? Please leave me! MAN 1: Traitor! Man 2: Get him! DOCTOR: Help! No, please no, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (MATRIX swells) DOCTOR: (gasps) VANSELL: I take it, Doctor, you found the projection… uncongenial? ROMANA: That’s enough, Vansell. Matrix chamber, bring the Doctor up. (there is whirring as the chamber is moved) DOCTOR: Woah! The architecture reconfigures itself? ROMANA: Transcendentally. DOCTOR: Very good! Very good! ROMANA: I know what you saw. DOCTOR: Do you? ROMANA: The projection never changes. (footsteps. Up until now Romana’s voice had a slight echo. It no longer does) The Web of Time in shreds, time collapsing in on itself, the fall of Gallifrey, the corruption of the oldest civilization. Chaos and anarchy loosed upon us all. A new order. A twisted one. DOCTOR: Yes. I saw it. I saw what might happen to Gallifrey. To... to her leaders. If this vision is supposed to make me recant, to make me see the folly of my choices in the past, to approve the unmaking of a single life for the sake of order… Romana, I won’t. . . . - from Neverland by Alan Barnes (Big Finish - 2002)

We know Romana truly did see this exact same vision, because she would bring it up in the earlier seasons when people like Arkadian first started calling her “Imperatrix.”

Rejecting this plan, it is core to who Romana is, what makes her different from this nightmare version of her Rassilon showed both her and the Doctor in the Matrix back in Neverland. Of course she condemns it. Of course she rejects it.

This is the original line Romana drew for herself, well before the series even began. The one she most certainly will not cross, no matter what.

As much as I appreciate this call back to her roots - this affirmation that no matter what else changes Romana is still someone who will not cross that line... I’m kind of tired of how wiping out the Daleks comes up as a repeated theme in these stories over and over again (it is all just a bit... overdone)

It did not help that I listened to this box for the first time while I was out hiking around a frozen pond in a nearby state forest on Thursday, and I had listened to The War Master Anti-Genesis for the first time in that very same forest. As I listened to this particular story I could not help but wonder if we’d next be getting a volume of Susan’s War where Susan has to in some way revisit Genesis of the Daleks.

Look, we all know Genesis of the Daleks is a very well regarded and beloved serial, and it has long been established (by the Gallifrey audios even!) that its events started the Time War. Can we move on now?

Only.... it turns out the Paralax was never an anti-Dalek weapon. Instead it was a gateway to another timeline. One where the Time War never happened.

The younger Brax rejects this idea, is upset to find a non-violent solution at the end of his quest instead of a weapon of mass destruction.

Better yet, the older Brax reveals his younger self’s manipulations, laying bare for Romana how duplicitous and untrustworthy Brax is.

Old!BRAX: Romana, why do you think he brought you through that particular chain of events? ROMANA: What do you mean? Old!BRAX: (chuckles) Some coincidence, wasn’t it? That you should follow a series of moments that began with you reeking your revenge, killing billions. ROMANA: (splutters) I don’t know. Old!BRAX: He was planning cold blooded murder! But he lacked the nerve to do it alone! He needed an accomplice, and he knew how to persuade you. He used the beyond against you, showed you the worst possible version of yourself! ROMANA: Brax, is this true? Young!BRAX: Everything we saw Romana, it was something that could have happened! ROMANA: But it didn’t. Old!BRAX: He brought you to the edge of existence, thinking you might experience some revelation, but the revelation is all his! Young!BRAX: No!

Having an older version of Brax wreck Brax’s plans at the end was a wonderful decision, very fitting for the character.

Romana is confronted with a gateway into a timeline where the war never happened, and facing the choice Brax made for after the Pandora Civil War - leave to settle in an alternative universe where things were simply better - she realizes she can’t actually go through it.

I think that maybe if she had Leela and Narvin with her she would have done it again, but she didn’t, so no

ROMANA: It’s tempting. Old!BRAX: Well then, join me. ROMANA: I can’t. My duty is to my friends. And to Gallifrey! Whatever that might bring. Braxiatel’s path? I couldn’t follow him! And I can’t follow you. This is something I have to do for myself.

The older Braxiatel gives her his TARDIS, and she leaves him to cross the gateway into the other world alone.

There are some great reflictions on the Romana and Braxitel relationship in the behind the scenes.

Miles Richardson, when talking about Brax in this one, says “..we’re not doing the usual Irving Braxiatel lusting after Romana’s character.”

Also from the behind the scenes - Scott Handcock: With regard to Braxiatel, he’s very much the opposite of Romana in a way. He keeps cards very close to his chest. In this story he gets his commupance. Do you think Romana will ever learn to... not to trust him from the get go? Or do you think she just- Lalla Ward: (interupting) I don’t think she trusts him an inch. Why would she? I mean, she would think the best of him wherever she could, but I don’t think she’s ever trusted him.

This was far and away my favorite story in this box set. It actually let two members of the main Gallifrey cast interact with each other and builds towards a satisfying conclusion to their journey together.

I am so glad for the penultimate episode they went with an intimate focus on Romana and Brax’s relationship, as well as one final chance for Romana to see possible alternative selves she can reject before facing her ultimate fate.

Homecoming by Matt Fitton

We open on a check in with Livia, Mantus and Rassilon.

Not surprisingly Rassilon has gone up several levels in his creep factor.

He’s content to let the General, Ollistra and Livia take on all the actual concerns of governance and running the war, while he wanders about staring at the sky and planning the Time Lord’s ascension past physical form.

Then we go to Leela and Narvin reunited, and oh how I love them.

LEELA: It is good to be doing something! NARVIN: Even if that something is liable to get us killed? LEELA: You did not have to come! NARVIN: Ignore my complaints! You should know by now, I always expect the worst. It’s a form of reassurance.

Ahhhhhhhhhh this track! T-T

ERIS: How are you finding the arsenal? Fit for a Sevateem? LEELA: (laughs) A fine collection of armements!

THIS TRACK! THIS DAMN TRACK!

LEELA: (about Eris) He is a good man. NARVIN: If a little foolhardy and idealistic. LEELA: Mmmm. There are more of you than you think. You try to hide it under doubt and fear, but I know what is in your hearts. NARVIN: I think you’ll find there are many layers of doubt and fear before you reach anything approaching idealism.

So on the day Narvina and Leela attempt to carry out their plan of blowing up the scism, the Dalek fleet shows up in Gallifrey’s airspace, with Romana on their saucer as their prisoner.

Rassilon and the Dalek Emperor can’t help but shout at each other a bit about how the other is a false god, because they’re basically the same character.

Romana’s timing is beautiful as always. Narvin being all “There is no more CIA, only me” to Leela just before Romana starts talking over the communications chanel they are overhearing? A++++++++++

NARVIN: There is no CIA anymore, only me. ROMANA: Rassilon, call off the attack. There’s no need for more pointless sacrifice. NARVIN: What?!?!? Was that?!?!?! LEELA: Romana! DALEK: SPEAK AS YOU ARE INSTRUCTED ROMANA: I’ll say what I want to say, thank you very much. You haven’t killed me yet, so I assume your emperor has reasons for keeping me alive.

love how incredibly done with the Daleks Romana is by this point. She’s sure they aren’t going to kill her, so why not talk back as much as she wants?

She’s an absolute delight when talking to the Time Lords as well.

MANTUS: How do we even know this is Romana? ROMANA: Is that Mantus? Even with thousands of miles between us I can make out the stench of your ambition. MANTUS: It’s her.

I love her?

DALEK TIME STRATEGIST: YOUR INSUBORDINATION IS IRRELEVANT ROMANA: Not to me! I’ve got to keep my spirits up somehow!

I get so many Enemy Lines vibes from Leela going onto the ship to rescue Romana.

LEELA: Romana! ROMANA: Leela. All that noise. I knew it must be you!

I LOVE THEM

LEELA: (about Romana pretending she had used a Chameleon Arch) You would never give up your soul. You are far too enamored with yourself. ROMANA: Are you calling me arrogant? LEELA: You had good reason! I would never give up your soul either. ROMANA: I’m forgiven? LEELA: This time. I hope I do not need to again.

They love each other so much

T-T

Ugh and Leela sternly telling Romana that times like when they are on Unity is a time for the two of them to protect each other, rather than Romana protecting her!

Back on Gallifrey Rassilon shoves both Mantus and Livia into a TARDIS together. I’d say this makes zero sense, but he’s Rassilon and nothing he does makes sense.

It does render the whole Livia working with the Resistance and Mantus being vaguely aware of that plot moot though.

Rassilon saying “we are not like you” when talking to the Emperor Dalek - when the two of them are exactly the same... yeah.

Romana and Leela talking about how much Eris is like the Doctor was a nice touch.

ROMANA: You’ve spent time with [Eris], does he remind you of anyone? LEELA: The Doctor would not be so keen on weapons of war. ROMANA: Mmmm. No. Not at the moment, no.

I love the idea that Rassilon can assume control of any and all TARDISes. It is especially fun the way they play with how everything on Gallifrey is named after Rassilon. You don’t think much about the Rassilon Imprimatur or think it actually has much to do with Rassilon himself... until you discover it gives him an override to control other TARDISes.

Because there is no real difference between Rassalon and the Dalek Emperor, and Mantus is very much a fascist through and through, it isn’t a surprise when he defects to try and ally himself with the Daleks when stranded on their ship with Romana, Leela, Narvin and Livia. He has no actual beliefs, no morals to speak of. All he believes in is power and might and self preservation. And so he dies, because there never is anything to be gained from that path.

Wow but what we saw of Rassilon in End of Time was him on a good day.

Not a fan of Leela and Narvin’s goodbye scene. Having him call her a “savage” right before the end.... it isn’t great. It really really REALLY isn’t.

Regardless they part ways on the Dalek ship. Narvin and Livia going to the TARDIS rigged with explosives to try and explode the Dalek’s null space drive and destroy the Dalek’s ability to time travel while Leela and Romana get to safety.

Eris’s message, saying he found another way, half heard and breaking in and out just before the TARDIS explodes with Narvin and Livia on it really is something, huh?

LEELA: What of Narvin? ROMANA: I’m sorry. The Dalek ship is already critical. It means they’ve detonated. LEELA: But the bracelet! The- the transmat! ROMANA: If it had worked, he’d be here. LEELA: Oh. ROMANA: We must go. Now! LEELA: Where? ROMANA: Where else? Home.

When I was in middle school - specifically when I was in 6th grade - my school’s librarian visited my English Language Arts class to give a week long lecture on story structure. She insisted, and drew endless charts on the blackboard to further her claim (but mentioned no sources whatsoever in her lecture, leaving me to be increasingly surprised as I grew older whenever I stumbled upon the writings she was drawing upon), that every story ever told follows the exact same path for its heroes. I remember hating this lecture with a fiery passion. The sort of passion that led to her lecture and many charts being fully preserved in my brain in intricate detail, especially my objections to it all. That structure was Home -> Adventure -> Home. (Insert in here the memory of little me’s fury when she claimed a character dying fulfilled this arc. Same with them ending the story going to an entirely new home or seeing their old home destroyed or rejecting everything about where they started or recommitting to their journey or continuing to travel. Essentially she claimed that no matter what a story will always start with a character existing in a “home state” and then end with them in a “home state” that she insisted will always reflect and provide commentary on where they started, and yes, I did spend the entire week coming up with examples of character endings I had encountered in books that I felt did not fit this mold to ask her about)

That long ago lesson REALLY came to mind for me as this story drew to its conclusion. More than that, I viscerally remembered how I felt sitting at my desk as the librarian drew yet another chart on the blackboard in that public school classroom on that distant day in the fall of 2000.

Romana’s story began with her working as a historian and archivist in the Bureau of Ancient Records. She worked there cataloguing information about Gallifrey’s history. She was then visited by a great power pretending to be the President of Gallifrey who sent her to join the Doctor on the Quest for the Key to Time, thus starting her journey and disrupting what might have otherwise been a rather typical Gallifreyan existence. Here, at the end of the Gallifrey series, her story ends with Rassilon confining her to act as an historian and archivist cataloguing information about Gallifrey’s history for all time. As he performs this action Leela directly calls him a false President, as he claims to be a higher power.

LEELA: Romana is the true President. What are you? Dust from the past, long dead and buried, you barely know your own people.

Her relationship with Leela began when they faced down Rassilon together, when he tried to use the two of them as part of a plot to escape the Matrix partition he resided within. He sent Leela to Romana so he could use them both in his revival and ascension back to the Presidency, and together they denied him that chance. Now the two of them face Rassilon down together again, only he is the one who currently is President, and the story ends with Romana trapped in a small pocket dimension filled with records of Gallifreyan history.

To further push this mirroring, the Gallifrey series starts not that long after Romana has escaped confinement in a prison cell. Here it ends with her being confined to a yet another small prison.

For added fun, Homecoming starts with Romana captured by the Daleks as their prisoner, being called Slave Unit 117.

Hell to REALLY push the ways this end state mirrors other parts of Romana’s journey, although I admit doing that is beyond tired at this point, her story as a Gallifreyan politician began when she returned to N-Space after living in another dimension. While there she really got involved and made a difference. Now she is imprisoned in a pocket dimension, stuck outside of N-Space, watching what happens there and documenting it, unable to help or intervene.

It is also interesting to compare what we know of her work in the Bureau of Ancient Records vs her work in the pocket universe Rassilon left her in. Namely, the time when this aspect of her backstory is fleshed out on TV in State of Decay, when she tells the Doctor about The Record of Rassilon - something she had read about while working in the archives. That’s it for stated on screen details of her time as a historian - just information related to a great war Rassilon once fought against the ancient enemy of the Time Lords.

In comparison she spends the outro of this story recording how much she believes Rassilon to be a failed leader, and in the Doctor Who Experience minisode she uses her archivist position to share a record of the Doctor and mythologizes her former friend (which stands as a stark and interesting contrast to how she and Brax talked about the Doctor - and particularly the War Doctor - in the previous story).

ROMANA: These are the final days of Gallifrey. The place I protected is no more. A planet revolves around the same sun, spins on the same axis. But it is no longer the world I knew. I walk in the past, forgotten. I may never see the future. I am here, and I will remember. Remember all we did. All we saw. All we fought to save. And one day, perhaps, I shall come back. Until that time it is my duty and my honor to remember Gallifrey.

And of course there is the Doctor Who Experience minisode

Huh. Actually writing all of that down made me realize that the role Romana is being forced to play by Rassilon is very much that of the traditional Time Lord, a sterile lonely existence watching others and recording what they do without ever doing anything herself.

Hey, remember how in the 4DAs Romana’s only best friend from the Academy, Sartia, taunted Romana by saying her punishment for staying with the Doctor instead of going home as soon as possible would be being assigned work as an archivist forever, documenting other people’s achievements and never having any of her own? Or how upset that idea made Romana at that time? Yeah. So, uh, Big Finish had previously established that was one of Romana’s worst fears.

ROMANA: Please, Sartia, turn back now! SARTIA: You don’t mean that. What about your future if I do? ROMANA: We can’t see our own futures, it’s forbidden! First grade. SARTIA: Why? Oh, poor Mana, you’re soo stuck. ROMANA: I am not! SARTIA: You left before any of us! You had it all handed to you on a silver salvo! ROMANA: Not! True! SARTIA: But you’re still running around after your tutor! Your precious Doctor. You’ll always be in his shadow! ROMANA: Now you’re being ridiculous. SARTIA: You left Gallifrey, but you never left school! ROMANA: No! SARTIA: An antique time ring that’s barely working. That’s all I had. Yet I still broke free of Gallifrey’s grinding tedium. But you? When are you going to let go? ROMANA: I don’t kill people I don’t like. SARTIA: Soon you’ll be caught and dragged back and you’ll spend the rest of your lives in a dusty archive cataloguing other Time Lord’s celestial observations. ROMANA: I’m already free and I’m staying that way! - from The Thief Who Stole Time by Marc Platt (Big Finish - 2017). Note: This audio is set between The Leisure Hive and Meglos.

RASSILON: Romana, daughter of Heartshaven, you are condemned to curate the past for eternity.

Remember those Companion Chronicles with Leela where she survived the Time War and keeps insulting the Time Lords endlessly, saying how glad she is they are dead and how much she hates them? Yeah. I get that now.

I am assuming Leela’s upcoming audio adventure with Ten is going to be set after these events for her (it would make sense to have them touch base about the Time War together given that she fought with the War Doctor and Ten is nothing if not emotional about the war) so I am interested to see how that goes. Who knows, maybe those Companion Chronicles will in some way be revisited and their storyline will finally actually end (or they’ll be retconned!).

They assure us in the behind the scenes stuff that many of the plot threads left dangling here will be picked up in other ranges, so I guess we shall see.

Mostly..... I am stuck on this end state for Romana. On its own, if this is truly the last we are ever to know of Romana’s fate, I hate it.

As a transitory position however, one merely enabling her to essentially be placed on a shelf waiting for some later creator to come along and pick her up, it makes sense. It links up to the minisode New Who fans who may have had no contact with her otherwise would be familiar with, and provides a very good explanation for how she can be discovered in an unharmed state following events like the cyberconversion of the Time Lords or the Death Particle being used on Gallifrey. So as a transitory spot to hold her in case anyone ever wants to use her character in future audios or even on TV again (highly doubtful, but never say never. I can’t pretend to know what a showrunner ten to fifty years from now may wish to do) this end state makes perfect sense. However as an actual truefacts ending? I really really really do NOT like it.

Romana worked so damn hard for so long to make a difference, and having it end with her forcibly returned to the start of her journey, only with even less power than she had before, and accept it, is.... not a final end state I am particularly invested in.

Scott Handcock says in the behind the scenes that he was careful to make sure things would be easy for future production teams to pick up if they wish do so, so...

only time will tell how satisfying I come to find this.

Which now that I think about it further “I can only really judge this with the fullness of time” is pretty fitting when talking about any part of a Time Lord’s story.

#Doctor Who #Gallifrey #Big Finish #Gallifrey Spoilers #Gallifrey Time War 4 #long post #very long post #massively long tbh #Leela of the Sevateem #Romana #Narvin #Irving Braxiatel #Livia Caralis #Rassilon #Eris #Mantus #Romanadvoratrelundar #Narvinectralonum #Gallifrey audios

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