#But I have a dream to achieve and I am not planning to die until I reach it. Not yet. If pain is where I strive best then so be it.

[sunlit-mess]

consumed by the inevitable

[reasonsmandy]

You matter to me

Eddie Roundtree x Fem!Reader

✧.* requested by @itzajeanspears — Hi!!! Love your writing so much!! Not sure if you’re still doing requests lol, butttt I have a really specific one so if you’d be able to do this I’d like actually die omg. Okay so I’m a fashion student from LA and I was thinking, the reader is like basically siblings with billy and Graham, (her dad and their mom started dating when they were kids so they were practically raised together) but she’s closest with Eddie in particular. They’re best friends. They’ve basically been attached at the hip since they were kids. They’re both secretly harboring feelings for each other and everyone knows it but themselves. She’s been there for them since the band started, like Camilla, making them outfits for gigs and stuff. and Eddie even takes her to prom when her date ends up being a jerk to her. Butttt the reader ends up moving to LA to go to fashion school (maybe eventually she can be their costume designer for the aurora tour 🙏) and Eddie slowly stops talking to her god knows why. Fast forward- The band moves out to LA and they stay with her until they’re stable enough to be out on their own. The tension is super high between her and Eddie and EVERYONE notices. Super Angsty. Ends in fluff and love confessions 🫶 maybe angry billy lol. AGAIN THANK YOU!!! I know that was super complicated. YOUR WRITING AND EDITS ARE AMAZINGGGG !!

✧.* you're reading part two, here's the part one — A letter?

✧.* summary — Eddie was waiting for your response, and when it never came... A wall was built between you.

✧.* warnings — none.

✧.* word count — 3.5k

✧.* 🎸 — Eddie's masterlist

✧.* mandy's notes — I know it took me forever!!! I'm so sorry, please enjoy! And let me know your thoughts about it :)

I have no idea how to start this, my head has been a mess since our last conversation. I'm sorry for the way I left, I should've been more polite involving all we've been through in the last couple of months. I confess that I don't understand why you thought I couldn't support you in this situation, I've seen you dreaming about this day since I was ten years old, where we chatted about school and unattainable plans for the future… Seeing you achieve everything you dreamed of is like being hit by a ray of sunshine, I am deeply proud of you.

I wish you all the best on this new journey in your life, you are great and your talent is not left behind! Know that you wouldn't be there if it weren't for all your extraordinary talent. There is something in everything you do that exudes originality and no one can take that away or dispute it from you.

I decided to respect your choice and not go to see you on the day of your departure, I confess that this is demanding a lot from me, but I do everything to see you well. I hope you have a great trip and a great life there too.

I don't want to lie to you, I really hope you write me back, I have a huge hope that you'll give me another chance and we can work things out... I'll understand if you don't want that, I just want you to keep in mind that I love you. Fly towards your dream, and when you miss home, maybe my words will warm your heart.

Yours, Eddie Roundtree.

The bassist seals the letter with trembling fingers, he knew you would leave tomorrow and he still had his doubts about what he was going to do.He wanted to come see you before the match, kiss you gently, hug you as if you were going to escape at any moment... But he couldn't, if that was your choice he would respect that.

He knocks on the Dunne house three times, his hands trembling as he waited impatiently with the letter in hand.

"Eddie? What are you doing here so early my dear?" Mrs Dunne's sweet voice asks, she was quiet, probably because she was the only one awake in the house.

"I— I came to give this to Y/N." He extends the paper to her, confused, the older girl takes the object.

"Do you want to come in?" She asks, opening the door for him.

"No no, thank you." He seemed nervous, afraid that you would show up at any moment. "I really just came to leave this"

The madness was crazy the morning you were going to leave, you waited in secret for Eddie, a hope that he would appear was growing in you even though you wanted to kill it. Everyone else had made a point of saying goodbye, even Warren had stopped by to leave you some chocolate for the flight, but nothing from your boyfriend.

That's what you were, right? After all, there was no ending, not formally in so many words... Anxiety made you fear that when he left that had been your final point.

You open your arms to hug your considerate mother, Mrs. Dunne had been very present to you since she came into your life and saying goodbye was harder than you thought.

"I'll miss you so much." Her choked voice says, and you hold her closer.

"Oh honey, I'll miss you too." She answers, still holding you. "Anytime you need us, you just have to call. You have a family here."

At this point you were already in tears, and you let the hug go to wipe them away.

"Look." She starts to say, opening her bag to hand you something. "Eddie asked me to give you this."

Your eyes widen, you take the letter in your hands and leave for your new life.

…

You open the drawer of the nightstand next to your bed and return the letter to the place it always rests still not being able to open it, a sigh leaves you as you relive the night you had just had. Now that you were in the same city everything was more vivid, it was like living your teenage years again and it was frustrating. Of course you missed your friends and your brothers, but feeling Eddie's look at the back of your head was a huge distraction that kept increasing many questions in the same.

Eddie let the air out of his lungs as his body collapsed onto the bed he had fought for hours with Warren for, He lights a cigarette while staring at the ceiling and gradually sees the smoke draw your face, He hated how all the feelings he had put so much effort into hiding returned like the tide flooding over him, it was frustrating how you could make his heart race in a way no drug could ever manege to.

He knew that maybe all he had to do was just get over it, and that's all he was trying to do since you left Pittsburgh and him. Eddie was never the kind to get attached to relationships easily, he was used to having one night stands or just casual dating, so when his heart was captured by your gaze and the funny feeling of falling in love... He didn't know what to do.

The cigarette had come to an end and sleep had not even threatened to arrive, Roundtree sits on the bed regretting it before even finishing what he planned to do. He might not have talked to you during the party, but he was a good listener, something he didn't know if it was a blessing or curse until then.

He puts his leather jacket over the blouse he had worn to the party he attended hours ago, also grabbing some cigarettes before going down the stairs of the new house towards the keys to Rojas' van. He considers going to the drummer's room to tell him that he had borrowed the vehicle, but settles for writing a note in letters large enough for him to notice while he looks for it.

He let in his breath once again, shaking his head as he starts the van and heads towards what haunts his mind.

...

The three rings on the door make you lazily get out of bed, your arms go to the blouse thrown on the table before answering.

"Eddie?" You say between shock and yawn, your hands fix your hair automatically.

He avoids your gaze, looking directly at the ground as if he is very anxious. You wait for an answer, but nothing comes out of his mouth, you take a step forward taking his hand and leading him inside.

"Is everything okay?" You ask, after you both sit at the table in your living room.

"I don't know." He lets it out, wondering if he should actually do what he had planned. "I wanted to talk to you about everything."

"In the middle of the night?" You let out a weak laugh, trying to lighten the mood.

"I couldn't sleep, sorry I woke you up." He looked embarrassed, but it was as if being there was more comfortable than anything he had been doing before knocking on the door.

"We can talk, no problem.”

"With us moving here I imagine we'll see each other more often than we have over the years." He looks you in the eyes, the red of the cigarette in them. "And I don't want there to be a fight between us, I don't want there to be things that aren't clear."

You let the air out, trying to look as if you were mature for this situation. "What do you mean by that?"

"Even with our history, is everything ok between us?" He wanted to tell you that the answer was no, that he hadn't forgotten you, but it stayed in his throat just like the growing knot.

"For me yes, but for you I'm not sure." You are honest, letting the frustration go with your words. "You were the one who ignored me the whole party, I felt seventeen again."

"You don't need to be sarcastic." He says rolling his eyes.

"Since when do you call the truth sarcasm?" He arches his eyebrows at your response, you click your tongue against the roof of your mouth. "What I meant is that I'm over it, I just don't know if you are."

"You know what..." He gets up, adjusting his jacket on himself. "I think we've cleared that up, let's just be polite to each other and that's it. I see you around."

"You're kidding right?" A mocking laugh is let out by you, disbelief shines through. "Is that what you consider resolution?”

"I'll see you around." He says, you get ready to close the door. "Let's just keep things between us, like before."

Your eyes roll back and you slam the door shut, anger and confusion rising in your chest. How can he just show up in the middle of the night to turn your life around like that? You only feel the tears when they fall on your arm, was it frustration? You preferred to believe so, but seeing him treat you with so much indifference was painful.

Still angry, you go to the nightstands and open the drawer to take the letter in hand. Your vision blurred with emotions growing, you tear it apart and as soon as the first cut is made the rest are just a trigger for the pieces on the floor. You cry, regretting it and at the same time wanting to disappear... It hadn't even been twenty four hours since he had returned to your life and everything was chaos.

You collect the pieces and place them inside the box you found, trying your best not to glue the pieces together to read something that could be your answer.

...

You had done a good job of trying to forget about Eddie Roundtree, you had gone out with a few people and avoided running into him as much as possible when you met the band. But that became impossible when his brother went to rehab and his niece was born.

You moved into their house to help with the baby, Camila had never been so vulnerable and you couldn't feel more angry at Billy than in those first few months. Of course, you knew he wasn't one hundred percent to blame, addiction wasn't easy and it made you very sad to know he was like this.

Your move wasn't complete, you slept there some nights and other nights you went back to your house or studio to create some pieces of clothing. It was hard to face Eddie every day, but you two made a point of avoiding each other as much as possible.

It was hard to remember why you didn't like Eddie much when he was being so kind every day by your side, you start to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. He was kind, funny, he helped everyone, but he was still the one that left you. And that was certainly the impasse for you to sympathize with him once again.

Night fell on the horizon as you leaned over the counter, a cigarette between your lips as you thought about everything at the same time.

"I see you still like the sunset, sunshine." The nickname makes your spine shiver, you don't turn around, you just let him get closer to you. "It always reminds me of you."

The chill comes to your belly, you turn away in disbelief. "What are you doing?"

He rolls his eyes, “Trying to get along with you, is it that hard?"

You let out a sigh, avoiding his eyes. "You want us to be friends?"

"What's the harm on that?" he asks, resting himself.

You shrug, trying your best not to ask every single question that haunted you over the years.

"You made yourself pretty clear that day in my place." That's all you say.

"Why are you acting like I'm a bad guy?" He's confused, upset in his eyes.

"You can't just keep doing this to me, appearing in my life and just leaving me!" You let out your frustrations, he looks at you without understanding. His gaze fixed on your eyes was overwhelming.

"What do you mean?" His voice was trembling, he took a deep breath. "Look, I know I acted childish that night, I shouldn't have just popped at your place and said those things. But I mean what I'm doing right now, I made one mistake... You're really going to blame me for the rest of my life?"

"One mistake?" You tried your best to hold back your urge to cry. "Look Eddie, it's been a long time. I understand if you forgot everything we've been through, I don't want to..."

"You're acting like I didn't care for you. Like I don't care." His voice was calm, it left you disconcerted.

"How can you say that you care for me if you haven't even reached for me all these years?" You turn to face the sky, trying to keep calm.

"I was respecting you!" He avoided coming closer, even though he wanted to take your hand in his. "I told you that! I—...

He stops when he sees your confused eyes, concern takes over his.

"You didn't read the letter, did you?"

You swallow hard, he waits for your answer but you open your mouth and close it without saying anything.

"Did you receive it?" He asks, you nod your head. "I don't understand..."

"I never read it." You confess, looking at your feet.

"Why?" He felt exposed, hurt.

You don't answer, he seems devastated.

"Fuck." He says passing his hands through his hair. "I can't believe this."

He left, leaving you alone with the sunset.

You made a point of coming home that day, there was no way you wouldn't go back to read that letter, your heart was aching with all the emotions that came up this afternoon. You were overwhelmed and feeling guilty, but at the same time confused... You needed answers.

When you managed to put the pieces together it was difficult to tell what was there, but your body softened and your heart tightened. There was your answer.

...

Daisy Jones was responsible for the band's growth after Billy's relapse, 'Honeycomb' was a masterpiece and the whole world knew it when those chords sounded on the radio. You were happy and proud for all of them, it was great to see them all achieving a dream that you followed from the beginning.

You were really excited to go on tour with them, You had already made many different pieces and I'm really looking forward to seeing them using what you created for them from the beginning. Today was the day of the first show, if you weren't even going to be on stage, you were nervous, you couldn't imagine how they were.

You couldn't contain the tears of emotion when you saw them there, the fans screaming excitedly and a long-time dream coming true, it was an amazing feeling and you were so happy to be part of this somehow.

It wasn't easy to deal with the information about the last situation you had with Eddie, of course, Billy had returned and you had spent less time together but that whole scene never left your mind. You tried to expel the flashes as much as possible while pretending to listen to what Camila was saying.

"Swetie, are you paying attention to me?" She says between a laugh, the music from the celebration party made it hard to hear her.

"Aham." You lie, watching Eddie talk to Warren and another girl you didn't know a few steps away. Camila follows your gaze, and turns with an arched eyebrow.

"What's going on?" She asks, her voice softly.

"I feel like I'll never be able to leave what we had behind me." You felt the words leave your mouth with honesty for the first time in a while.

"Have you told him that?" She asks, looking between you and him.

"I'm pretty sure he hates me, so..." You let out a breath, trying to hold back your tears.

"Eddie could never hate you Y/N."

"How can you be so sure?" You take a sip of your beer, avoiding looking at the distant group.

"Oh honey, if you only knew how many times he told me how he felt... How many songs I heard—

"Songs?" You cut her off, holding her arm. "He wrote songs about me?"

"Many." She responds, stroking his hand with a motherly affection. "You should talk to him."

You gather all your strength to follow her advice, and little by little you get closer to them. Warren is the first to notice you, waving in a comical way for you to come closer, Eddie avoids your eyes, the girl greets you with a small smile.

"Hey guys, the show was amazing." They smile at your congratulations. "I'm really proud of you guys."

"Thank you sunshine." Eddie says, almost regretting using the nickname. "I'm sorry..."

"It's okay." You say under your breath. "Look, can we talk alone for a second?"

"Sure." He turns to Rojas and the curly-haired woman. "I'll be right back."

Automatically you take his hand and guide him to a more private place, it's a few seconds of silence before you know how to start. He doesn't rush you, he just waits for you to feel good to begin with what you had planned.

"I read your letter." That's all you can say, he swallows hard. "I'm sorry it took me so long..."

"It's okay, it doesn't matter anymore." He tries to say, but you cut him off.

"It does! It matters and you know it." Tears manage to fill your eyes. "We matter for each other, you matter to me... And I don't know about you, and I know it's probably too late but I can't forget you."

He takes a step closer to you, never taking his eyes off of you. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I love you." A choked laugh comes out of you, it was impossible to contain it all longer.

"Fuck." He holds your face in his hands, touching your foreheads together. "Please, don't mess with me." He jokes.

"I'm done building this wall between us." Her voice was honest, her eyes never stopped staring into his. "I just want to be with you."

He kisses you, a kiss you've missed for years, a connection of souls, an inexplicable feeling. His hands cupped your cheeks and caressed your skin, you pulled him close to feel him after so long. He would always be your point of comfort.

"I love you too." He whispers against your lips, your eyes closed. "I love you so fucking much."

"I know it took a while but I kind of want to stay with you." You joke, he lets out a laugh.

"We can tell our children that we've been dating all this time, they don't need to know about this hiatus" He says while caressing your hair.

"Children?" Rojas' voice made you jump in fright. "Damn, you guys are emotional, huh?"

...

Hi, I hope you enjoyed it... If you wanted to ask for something my requests are open, and if you want to ask and don't have any ideas check out my prompt list :) xoxo

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[aita-blorbos]

AITA for publicly guilt tripping my friends who just wanted to help their families?

I (32M) have been on a trip to a legendary city with a group of people for a while now, and while they didn't seem to like me or even want me around at first (they played a lot of pranks on me and always shut me out) they finally started letting me join them the night before we reached our destination. Two of them, A (18F) and V (38M) told me their stories and what they hope to do with their paychecks from this job. A wants to help her dad finally open another machine shop/garage, and V is going to help his family's flower shop.

Before I continue, I just want to be clear: I am not calling anyone here a bad person (even though one of them probably deserves to be called that) because I am not that kind of person. So please do not pass judgment on them. I do care about all of these people and their needs/wants.

The leader of our group, R (54M) just revealed he and the others were planning to steal this big shiny rock thing to sell for money, and they were using me to find it (they held this local woman captive until I helped). Problem is, the thing isn't just some giant gemstone, nor is it the power source I thought it was. It is literally the life force of the people who live in this place. And if it is taken away, they will die. I have been protesting this since I found out just what this thing was. R has been brushing it off the whole time, and everyone has just silently gone along with him.

Here's where I feel I might have been an asshole.

In front of a crowd, I called out A and V by name and said sarcastically how they would finally achieve their dreams and then some (i told V his family could open a whole chain of shops and said they'd be very proud.) I laid out the stories they told me, only I made them sound so selfish and greedy, even though I know that's not how they are. I was intentionally trying to make them feel bad and feel guilty. Which.....is very unlike me to do to someone. I don't try to hurt people on purpose normally. But I was just trying to get everyone to see how wrong what they were doing was.

It worked, A and V were the first people to change their minds, and A came to help me up after R punched me (ow, it still kinda hurts) followed by V, and then several others. So now that they came to help me, I REALLY feel like I was an asshole earlier.

I know I'm right for not wanting them to take the shiny rock thing. But.....was I an asshole for how I treated my friends A and V over it?

[booobooothefool]

He spent so much time on them and for me he got lazy

Oh my sweet holy angels...this was something I started after Indigenous day last year (2021) but never got back around to finishing it. I've been having really bad writers block and haven't been able to finish writing the Dark!Thor fic (that I also started back in 2021) yet, but it's like 2/3rds of the way done...a lot has changed since I last posted a fic...for example I recently decided to take a break from school and dropped out of this fall term...I've also been working overtime so yeah...finally had a day off today and I spent it finishing this piece of junk... anyways, hope ya'll enjoy this trash dumped from my overworking brain (๑~๑) I also refuse to proof read...and I will die on this messy anti-beta reading hill (because my eyes hurt and I am too lazy to bother) this is also 8,798 f*cking words..so yeah

-Growing up, you were all alone until you met Steve and you two bonded over being outcasts, but after the serum, you're left all alone again...or are you?

*18+!!!*

WARNING: horrible grammar, NOT edited, bad English (please be nice I know my English is bad, it’s not my first language 🥺) mentioning of unprotected sex (wrap your willy before you get silly), mean and dark Steve, angsty, fat-shaming, ED, pregnancy, noncon, breath play, choking...honestly read at your own risk because I am a warning all on my own

...

You had the biggest crush on Steve Rogers, you fell for him the day you met him. The scrawny little boy who stood up for you when a group of kids cornered you and berated you for your weight, acne, and stubby stature. You two would get made fun of, pointed and laughed at whenever you two went out together, so instead you both would meet privately, getting away from your harsh reality to somewhere no one could disrupt you two, your shared safe space. You two began to date secretly, no one knew about you two, not even Bucky knew. When Steve would get set up with another pretty girl that was friends with Bucky's latest flame, you couldn't help but to worry if he'd lose interest in you. Steve would always reassure you that he'd never fancy such shallow women, that he only had eyes for you.

When Steve first told you that he was accepted and would be leaving soon to join the army, you fought every fiber in your body to not break down and beg him to stay, you understood that this was Steve's dream. That was the night you lost your virginity to Steve, holding him close before he would leave you for war. After Steve left you cried as you held onto the shirt he left behind for you, allowing yourself to let go off all the emotions you refused to show to within his presence.

Steve would come and visit whenever he could, whenever he came back, you two would spend most of your time together in bed, wrapped up in the sheets with every inch of your bare bodies touching. After Steve wrote and explained to you that he had received the serum you did your best to not let your fears get the better of you, this was good for Steve, he was healthier, happier, and could now achieve all his dreams with less roadblocks in his way. Steve stopped visiting just before receiving the serum, all you had left of him were his letters, but when those became more and more scarce you had to remind yourself that Steve had more responsibility now that he was the face of America, THE Captain America.

Your parents had sent you to buy things from town for dinner, as you were browsing the store shelves your eye caught a familiar blond man. He must’ve felt you watching him, Steve looked up and it was as if he was a child caught stealing candy. “Doll!” He quickly recovered and suddenly you were engulfed in muscular arms, “Y/n, what are you doing here? I was planning to surprise you.” You couldn’t reply and only stared at Steve with wide eyes, you hadn’t seen him with the serum and felt overwhelmed by his tall and muscular frame, you awkwardly returned his sudden hug.

"What happened to you Stevie? Why are you so..." you paused, your tongue stuck on what words to use that wouldn't be impolite and rude.

"Big? Healthy? Strong? Well it's thanks to the serum doll." Steve smiled down at your with his breath taking boyish smile, the same one that always made you swoon. "I've got something I must tend to, can you meet me at the Wellington Hotel? I am in room 214, be there by 10 sharp." Too stunned to realized what was happening you simply nodded your head as Steve roughly pulled away and left you standing in the aisle with all your questions and words floating in the unspoken air around you. After standing in the aisle like an odd buffoon, you managed to collect yourself and process what had just really happened. As you finished getting what you were instructed to and on your way home, you couldn't help but to wonder why Steve was staying in a hotel and not in his apartment that you helped upkeep for him in his leave, he still paid the rent regularly, you would know because you had just been there not too long ago to dust and care for his things so that they wouldn't ware away with time.

Your eldest brother's fiancé Jenny had asked for your help at the sewing mill, but instead of going you decided to use it as a cover to go meet Steve. You'd already talked to your parents and Jenny about working tonight so they wouldn't question where you were, and with the war becoming so intense they also wouldn't question you about when you'd return. Many people often found themselves working day and night in order to try and do their part for the country. Your father and brothers worked to scrap metal for the war, your mother worked to feed the family on rations, and you worked at the local sewing mill.

You did your best to be discreet in order to not draw any attention when you got to the hotel, it was indecent for an unmarried young woman to be meeting a man in a hotel like this. You carefully knocked on the door of room 214 and twiddled with your fingers nervously, you yelped when the door suddenly opened and you were yanked into the dark the room. "Wha-" Before you could finish speaking, you were silenced by Steve's hand covering your mouth.

"No one saw you coming here did they? You didn't tell anyone you were coming to see me did you?" You pulled Steve's hand away from your mouth and huffed a few breaths of air before replying, "No, it would be indecent, I made sure to be careful." Steve seemed to relaxed and sighed in relief, "Good, I don't want to risk anyone knowing." You wanted to question Steve as to what he meant and why the lights were off in the dark room but before you could ask him he was already pulling at your clothes and kissing your jaw, your mind clouded as you melted like goo in his arms.

You gasped as Steve lifted you and wrapped your legs around his waist, something you two had never done before due to your size differences. He walked you over to the bed and threw you onto it, he open the front of your dress and pushed down your bra as he slid down your body while his mouth bit and sucked its way down from your jaw to your breasts. The room filled with the sounds of your panting and moans of needing more, but Steve didn't seem to make a sound. When you reached up to hold Steve close, he roughly pulled away from your touch and grabbed your wrists, holding them down with one hand as he used his other to bunch up your dress around your hips and ripped your underwear off to place himself at your entrance. You could feel that he still had all his clothes on and had simply taken his cock out of his pants. Without warning Steve shoved himself inside of you, when you opened your mouth to scream from the pain of not being prepared properly Steve slammed his free hand over you mouth, covering your nose as well. As he barbarically pumped in and out of you, he finally began to moan, and instead of your name coming from his lips, Steve repeated another woman's name.

Peggy.

Your tears wouldn't stop as you felt yourself losing consciousness from the lack of air and pain of Steve's brutal thrusts. As you tried to free your hands and shook your head violently side to side in hopes of removing his hand from blocking your airways, you felt yourself becoming more and more tired until everything eventually faded and you lost consciousness.

It was still dark out when you woke up, you found yourself laying sprawled out on the floor in the cold with nothing covering you. Carefully gathering yourself and doing your best to stand on your aching legs as your neither regions screamed in pain, you looked around for Steve and saw him sleeping peacefully on the bed. When you couldn't stand anymore due to the painful aftermath of what Steve did to you, you decided to settle on the edge of the bed, but as soon as you sat Steve suddenly kicked you off onto the floor.

"Get out, people will be waking up soon." You sat stunned, unable to move as you replayed his words in your head over and over again. "Did you not hear me?" Steve got up from the bed and roughly grabbed your arm and dragged you towards the door, "Fix your rags and get out."

"Steve..."You felt as though the air was suddenly as hard as the bricks that made up the walls around you.

"Y/n, I gave you what you wanted, now get out. I will not be repeating myself." Steve's nose flared in anger as he glared into your soul.

"I...I thought you loved me?" Your tears began to fall again, your mind scrambled, unable to understand what was happening.

"Y/n, look at yourself and then look at me. I am every woman and man's dream, why would I be with someone like you? You are fat, your face is covered in acne scars and you are far too short for me. My status is too high to be associated with someone like you. Before the serum I was just as much a loser as you, but now I am the image of perfection, I cannot be with someone who is the definition of 'other'. After I received the serum I came to the realization that we couldn't be together anymore, I've also met someone else...last night was just me making sure that I truly loved her, and it can also be seen as a goodbye to you. I used to feel guilty, but being with you last night made me realize that your body does nothing but disgust me now that I've been with the true love of my life. Now get out before people start waking up, or else I will call for security and tell them that you are a crazy woman who came in here in hopes of harassing Captain America." Steve didn't spare you another look as he opened the door and gestured for your to leave. You quietly gathered yourself and limped out of the room as he shut the door behind you before you could turn around to say goodbye to him.

You limped and made it home before the sun finished rising, you decided to shower and scrubbed yourself clean of evidence from the previous night, hoping to scrub away the pain of Steve's brutal assault and his words with the crusted cum on your legs and breasts. After you finished cleaning off, you decided to sleep in hopes of sleeping away the pain and to avoid seeing your parents in your current mental state. No one disturbed your sleep, thinking that you had spent the whole night at the mill working.

When you finally awoke, you didn't know what to do or think...you seemed to go through the days with little to no emotions, you became quieter and withdrew from everyone around you more and more, feeling disgusted with yourself and replaying Steve's cruel words over and over again in your head, you began to skip meals. When asked about your sudden change, you simply blamed it on the stress of war times and that worked, until you came down with what you thought was a stomach bug that wouldn't leave. But even then you ignored it, even when your clothes started shrinking despite you starving yourself, or when your monthlies never came, you ignored all the signs and evidence of that night until you couldn't anymore. One night after you came home from the mill you found you parents and brothers all sitting in the dining room waiting for you.

"Sit y/n." Your father sat at the head of the table, in this house his word was the law. You sat and looked down at the table, refusing to look up and meet the eyes of your family members or down at your lap that was covered by your growing middle. "William asked Jenny about what happened at the mill four months ago, specifically the night when you limped home and refused to speak to anyone before sleeping the whole day and night away. She said that you never made it to the mill, so tell us y/n, if you did not go to the mill then who did you meet? Because whoever it is, I know that they are the father of that bastard child you are caring." You felt the tears fall one at a time until suddenly, all at once. You finally let yourself go and allowed the sobs to take over your body as everything you'd been ignoring came crushing down on you.

"Oh dear..." your mother came to your side and held you in her arms as your sobs violently shook throughout your body. She carefully wiped away your tears and whispered soft words to you. "What happened dear, tell mom, I won't be mad. Please, you are my only daughter, I've seen how you no longer smile, how you've become withdrawn and dulled."

After a few hiccups, you finally managed to whisper out the words you'd been dreading to face, "I was raped..." As the words left your tongue, your sobs grew louder and you felt your body give out, falling slack into your mother's safe embrace. Your brothers sucked in a breath and your father sat stunned, they seemed to piece together your mother's words and observations with their own experiences with you the last few months and digested it alongside the three horrid words you spoke aloud.

"Y/n..." Your eldest brother William whispered your name and looked at your broken state as the rest his words died before he could speak them. There were always stories of young girls being assaulted, but that was something that only happened to other people...except now it had happened to you, their little sister, and they didn't know what to do or feel.

"Did you see how he looked like?" Your father's voice cracked, betraying him as he tried to hold a strong front at the head of the table. You didn't trust yourself to reply, unable to lie to your family anymore, so instead all you did was cry harder, conflicted with what you were facing. Your mother cried tears of her own as she hushed you like a child and held you closer to her, she looked up at your father with pleading eyes and he understood what she was asking. Even without words, your mother's pained eyes pleaded at your father to not force you to speak and relive the pain you'd experienced that night, and although he wanted to know more in order to try and help you, he complied to your mother's unsaid plea and nodded at your brothers to hold their tongues. "Y/n, you are my only daughter, your mother and I love you very much. But in order to protect you, we must send you away. Your late uncle left your mother his farm, it is far but also close enough that we can come to visit you from time to time...it would be safest and best for you to live there. If you stay here then people will talk, and both you and your child may become endangered due to gossip."

You held your mother tighter, shoving your face further into her chest as you nodded and tried to drown out the sniffling of your brothers silently crying around the family table. The rest of the night was spent packing your things, by morning your things were all loaded into your brother John's work car and everyone waved goodbye to you as your parents drove you away from your childhood home.

When you arrived at the deserted farm your father unloaded the car as your mother helped you clean and unpack some of your things, the drive had taken a full day and night of traveling. You felt guilty and insisted your parents rested a day or two before they returned home, but because of work they ended up only staying that day before starting the drive back.

A month passed and you slowly became accustomed to the house, you worked to sew and fix up old clothes and shoes that Jenny would have William give to John whenever he came by to drop off necessities for you. Your belly grew bigger and it soon became harder to do things around the house, you often found yourself walking around barefoot on the cold hard wooden floors since it had become too hard to bend and put on your socks and shoes. Because John would come to drop off things for you to help patch up, you were able to make a few pennies on the side to prepare for the baby's arrival. You also sent letters home with him and received many from each member of your family, especially your mother.

But John suddenly stopped coming, and then your mother sent a letter through the mail telling you not to try and contact home until John came back. She didn't detail why but you felt that maybe some folks from back home may have started gossiping about your sudden departure, so you respected your mother's wish and stopped writing as instructed and waited for her to write you again or for John to visit and let you know of when this sudden ban would be lifted.

After 2 months of nothing but silence, you became worried. You wanted to return home to see if everything was alright, but now that you were around 6-7 months pregnant, you decided against it and did your best to sit tight in the nearly empty house. You missed seeing your brother, you often found yourself sitting in silence with your ears subconsciously searching for the sound of an old engine, hoping that John would be back to collect the items you'd patched up and with letters from your family with him.

One night while you were upstairs getting ready for bed, your ears caught the sound of an engine. You thought maybe your mind was play tricks, but the sound got closer and before your knew it, your legs began to waddle their way as fast as possible through the house. From the window you could see that there was a vehicle in the front of the house, you were a bit confused at first, you knew what John's work car looked like and it definitely wasn't the one outside, but you chose to ignore the bad feeling at the pit of your stomach after reminding yourself that only your family knew you were out here in the middle of nowhere.

There was a loud knock at the front door and you tried to fasten your pace to go open the door to greet your family after not seeing them for so long. Who you came face to face with stunned you, your instinct kicked in and just as quickly as you'd opened the door, you shut it again and locked it.

"Open the door right now doll, you don't know what I've gone through in order to be here." Steve banged his fist against the door over and over, each one harder than the last, "if you don't open the door then you're gonna regret it. I'm serious y/n, how do you think I found you? I have your family and if you don't open this door then you're never gonna see them ever again." Afraid of what he'd do to your family, you quickly unlocked and opened the door for him.

"What are you doing here?" Your words wavered like your bravery, showcasing your fear.

"Why else would I be here doll, I'm here for you and our child." You stared at Steve and carefully studied his features, he looked older, rougher, his hair was no longer the bright blond it was those months ago, it was now a darker dirty blond. After a while of standing and staring at each other in silence, Steve carefully pushed his way inside. "I know you must have more questions, but I'll explain more inside."

You numbly led him into the living room and stood away from him "Where is my family? What have you done to them?"

"I'll get to that doll, first come here and let me hold you, it's been so long since I've seen you." Steve walked over to you and wrapped his arms around you before you could get away.

"Let me go Steve, tell me where my family is now." You tried to pull away from his embrace but Steve just held you tighter.

"You know y/n, your reaction is a bit different from your family's..did you know I went missing? That I was presumed dead after saving the world by diving myself and a plane loaded with a bomb into ice cold water?" You scrunched your eyebrows together, not understanding anything Steve was saying, he was very clearly alive and in front of you. As if understanding something Steve laughed bitterly as he released you from his embrace and grabbed your upper arms to shake you, "You didn't know? You claim to love me and yet you didn't know that I, the father of your child, died?" He paused to think for a second and scoffed, "Well I guess it does make sense that you wouldn't know, after all, you're out here in the middle of nowhere all alone."

"Steve I don't know what you're talking about or what you want, so please just tell me where my family is and leave me alone." You became more and more frightened by Steve's odd behavior and the crazy things he was saying.

Steve shook his head and looked down at you, "Your family is safe y/n, they put up quite a fight when I came back from the dead to find you. They kept claiming that you'd gotten married and left, but I already knew the truth, I knew that you hadn't left because you got married. I checked for your records when I woke up in the future y/n, couldn't help but wonder what happened to you after I found out that Peggy went off and married, she lived a happy life without me. Should've known that the bitch would move on as easily as she was to fuck. But imagine my surprise and pain when I found out that you'd died in childbirth around 9 to 10 months after we'd spent our last night together?" Steve's hold on you became rougher, he pulled you to him and neared your face, "Imagine that y/n, learning that the one person who ever truly loved me, died trying to give birth my child all alone in a bathtub in the middle of nowhere with no one to be there for her in her last moments. I tried to find your and our child's resting place you know, but everywhere I looked all landed in a dead end, because you two were buried in some unmarked grave on a piece of random land that your parents sold after you died. If your brother hadn't confessed what happened to you on his death bed, then I never would've known about any of this." you gasped in pain as Steve's hold on your upper arms became unbearable, Steve held you closely against him, your bump being squished against his hard body.

Steve seemed to be deep in his own mind when you felt a strong kick from the baby, expressing their displeasure at being woken up from how hard Steve was squishing your bump between you two. Steve's eyes widened and his hold on you softened, he pulled back carefully and looked down at your bump. As if on cue, the baby decided to kick again and Steve saw the way your stomach slightly stretch out where the baby had kicked, he carefully placed his right hand over the spot and felt the baby kick a third time. Steve started crying as he fell to his knees and hugged your waist and rested his head on you stomach.

"I'm so sorry y/n, I never should’ve left you or did what I did to you. But I'm back now, and I can fix things, I swear, I'm not gonna let you and our baby die this time." You tried to pull away from Steve but with every attempted tug, he held on tighter and sobbed harder.

"Steve please get up..." You became more uncomfortable, but no matter how confused or scared you were, you also understood that this wasn't your Steve, this Steve was someone else, someone broken and far more dangerous. You had to be careful not to provoke him. Steve stood and hugged you, he buried his nose in you hair and inhaled the smell of your hair.

"I'm gonna make this right y/n, we're gonna be a happy family. Just like we always used to talk about." You didn't say anything, too afraid of this fragile yet dangerous man...all you did was nod slowly and carefully pulled away from him.

"You seem tired, how about we get some rest and talk more about this in the morning, it's getting very late... I understand what you said, but it's just hard to process... there's a spare room upstairs, you must be tired from driving..." You spoke with a soft tone, careful to not trigger the strange Steve, hoping that he would take this is an act of submission and he wouldn't become aggressive like before.

After leading Steve to the spare room, you returned to your room to sleep. As you were about to fall asleep Steve suddenly barged into your room. You'd debated locking your door earlier but decided against it, too afraid of possibly provoking Steve. Before you could question if he needed anything, Steve walked to your bed and climbed in alongside you and pulled you to his chest, resting his chin on the top of your head. "I can't sleep without you, I need to hold you. After everything I-... I refuse to spend another night without you in my arms." As uncomfortable as you felt, your fear greatly outweighed it, so all you did was nod your head and pat Steve's back in hopes of pleasing the stranger with a familiar face. After some time, you felt Steve's breathing even out and you followed him into your own dreamless sleep.

During the middle of the night you woke up with the intense need to pee, as you were carefully untangling yourself from Steve you accidentally woke him up. "What are you doing?" His rough and booming voice scared you.

"The baby is pressing on my bladder, I have to pee..." he hummed and released you from his hold.

"Hurry back." you nodded and headed to the bathroom out in the hall to do your business. After you finished peeing, you noticed the dry feeling in your throat and decided to get some water from the kitchen. While on your way back upstairs from the kitchen you passed the living room and saw the keys to Steve's car, you looked back and forth between the set of keys and the stairs leading up to where Steve slept, unaware of the idea that popped in your head.

You quietly grabbed the keys, slipping on an old pair of shoes that were too big for your feet, you carefully opened the front door as quietly as you could and walked out into the night towards the car. As you were unlocking the car and getting in to try and adjust the seat you saw the living room lights turn on and the front door swing open. Steve face twisted into the most horrendous look of anger you'd ever seen in your many years of being alive. Panicked, you shoved the keys into the emission and started the car.

"Y/n get the fuck out of the car right now and come here before I break your fucking legs." Steve marched his way towards the car, just as he was about to grab onto the car's doorhandles you stepped on the gas and drove away. As your sped away you heard the Steve growl angrily. You didn't know where to go, but you knew that you had to get away from here and closer to civilization. As you were speeding down the road you caught a glimpse of Steve running alongside the car, afraid you tried to press on the gas but that didn't seem to work. Before you knew it, Steve jumped onto the car and yanked off the passenger door handle, you stepped onto the brakes with full force and threw Steve off the car. The car swerved out of control and fell into a ditch, crawling your way out of the car, you felt your left leg shooting with pain, as you looked down at it you saw your bone sticking out. As you laid panting on the side of the road, you placed your arms around your bump and was thankful to feel the baby kicking away to show their unhappiness at the situation. You turned your head when you heard footsteps approaching you, look at the cut up bare feet and all you felt was despair course its way throughout your being, how had Steve survived?

He didn't say anything as he crouched down and pulled up your nightgown to check your stomach, spreading you legs apart to look between your thighs, "There's no bleeding, that's good, means you didn't hurt our baby pulling that dumb stunt of yours." He roughly grabbed your left leg and looked at the bone sticking out, without another word he grabbed your right leg with both his hands and snapped it at the knee, breaking it too, you screamed from the excruciating pain, "I told you I'd break your legs if you didn't listen. This your own fault doll."

Steve stood up and went to open the trunk of the car, "You know, I wanted to keep my words and let you see your family, to let you say your goodbyes before I returned with you despite my displeasure at them for keeping the both of you away from me for two whole months, but now that you've done this, I won't feel any guilt for refusing you your goodbyes." Steve came back with some weird looking clothes in hand, he first put it on himself before he stripped you and put the clothes on you as well. Steve pulled out some weird devices and scooped you into his arms bridal style before the world around you swirled together into weird shapes and colors, blurring together into muddled nonsense before everything went black.

You woke up feeling completely numb, you couldn't feel your arms or legs. The memories of what happened came crashing all at once, causing you to have a bad headache. As you opened your eyes you tried to ask for help, but instead of words rolling off your tongue, you moaned out unintelligible nonsense, alerting the nurse checking your vitals that you were awake.

"Oh, you're awake, I'll go get Captain Rogers, Mr. Stark, and Dr. Banner." The nurse walked away without further explanation and didn't to try and comfort your very clearly distressed self. Not long after she left, Steve and two strange men came into the room.

"The baby's fine, she's got a few broken bones, but considering that you were the one who deliberately caused one, I'd say there’s really not much to worry about. Just monitor her injuries for infection and try to get her some more nutritious food, the tests came back with some slightly worrisome lack of proper vitamins." The man with glasses explained to Steve with a small smile on his face, acting as if this was all normal and Steve purposely breaking one of your legs was a sort of joke between them.

"I had some people move and set up some things for her at your house. Pepper also had a field day with the baby prep stuff, just like when she went on a spree when we had Morgan." The man who spoke had an arm that didn't look human, he was holding a weird piece of glass in his hands spoke without ever bothering to look up from the weird thing in his hands.

"Thank you both, tell the rest of the team I said thanks to them too, everyone has been so helpful." Steve smiled at the two men and walked up to the side of the bed, he caressed your head and bent down to kiss your forehead.

These people were insane, how could they act as is this was normal. "No need to thank us Steve, you deserve some happiness, we all do...we've all been through so much." A woman with red hair suddenly spoke up from the door, she walked over and hugged Steve. "It's good to see you back, some of us worried when you didn't com back sooner."

"Hey Nat, sorry, got held up dealing with some people when I went back." Steve chuckled and shook his head, they all continued to ignore your presence and spoke amongst themselves before they all eventually excused themselves and went off to do their own thing.

"Well doll, those were some very important people, I'm glad you behaved. Bruce and Dr. Cho both gave the OK so we'll be going home after the ultrasound later." You again tried to say something but nothing came out, only a weak and course croaking sound came out. Steve quickly stepped towards you and carefully helped you drink some lukewarm water that was resting on the table beside you. "Sorry doll, your throat must be so dry."

After drinking some water with Steve's help you took a few deep breaths and looked up at him, "Where are we?" Your words so soft that it could've been mistaken for the wind blowing through the window.

"We're in the compound's hospital suite, after the OBGYN finishes giving one last ultrasound we can head home." Steve smiled down at you with a glint of a crazed look at the back of his eyes. He sat on a chair beside your bed and held your hand in his, he kissed your knuckles, drawing your attention to where he kissed you saw a shiny ring on your ring finger. "After the baby is born and you've completely healed, we can hold a beautiful ceremony. For now just focus on getting better doll." You realized what he meant and scrunch up your face is disgust, how could he expect you to marry him after all that he's done to you.

"I want to go home Steve...please...I'm sorry...please just let me go home..." you didn't know what else to do besides plead for Steve to let you go home.

"I know doll, we'll go home after they check on the baby one last time." He smiled at you reassuringly, clearly not understanding what you meant by home. Before you could correct him and explain, a woman came in with a strange machine contraption, she introduced herself as being a doctor and explained that she was going do something weird so that you could somehow see your baby on the machine, you didn't understand what she was saying but Steve kept nodding and seemed to understand everything. The doctor moved exposed your belly, she placed a weird substance on it and used an odd object to push along and spread the substance around your belly. The machine showed weird shapes as she moved the object around, she smiled and stopped when a big weird shape that looked slightly human-like showed on the machine. She turned and touched some things on the machine before the room was filled with the sound of a loud steady beating.

"That is your baby on the screen and their heartbeat sounds very strong." Steve had tears in his eyes as he held your hand and looked at the shape on the machine, you didn't fully understand, but you did understand that you were looking at your baby and you were hearing their heartbeat. The doctor moved the object and pushed into your stomach slightly as if searching for something and faced to you when she did find whatever it was that she was looking for, "Congratulations, you're having a boy Mr and Mrs. Rogers." she continued explaining more and talked with Steve for a bit, but you drowned out their conversation, all you could focus on was the news she'd given you. When you came back to, the doctor had cleaned everything up and was saying her goodbyes as she left.

Steve carefully helped you put on a loose dress and carried you onto a wheelchair that a nurse had brought in after the doctor left, he wheeled you past strange rooms filled with even stranger things. After placing you in a weird yet comfortable car, Steve drove you through a city covered in large screens that displayed odd images with vibrant colors, people wore weird clothes as he drove past them. Steve did not seem phased at any of this, acting as if this was all normal to him, "I know, it can be overwhelming at first doll, but don't worry too much about getting used to it, we won't be surrounded by all this at the house." You wanted to say something, ask all the questions that tornado'ed around in your mind..but you were left speechless and overwhelmed. As Steve continued to drive, you slowly felt the hum of the car moving lull you to sleep.

"Come on doll, I know you must be so exhausted, but you gotta wake up and eat some food." Steve's soft voice woke you up, this time when you looked around, you saw that you were in a room full of sharp looking objects, there was no warmth around. "I know, everything looks very monochrome and modern, but that's just Tony's style, we can get stuff and decorate the house more to your liking after you get better." Steve carefully helped you sit up on the soft bed and hand fed you food he blew on to chill.

You closed your mouth and turned your head, refusing to eat the weird food that he was trying to feed you. "Steve...where are we...I want to go home, I don't know what’s going on and why you're doing this or what I've done, but please just take me home. I don't know what you want, but I'll try to give it to you...please...just let me go home...I wanna see my family..." you cried as you finally managed to voice your pleas to Steve. He let out a frustrated sigh and placed the food on the table beside the bed.

"Y/n, you are home. I'm doing this for us, I know I hurt you with how I left, but I'm doing my best to make it up to you alright? I travelled through time just to bring you to the future so that we could have the life we always dreamed of. As for your family...that is your own fault, if you'd just listened to me then I would've let you see them and say your goodbyes, but instead you decided to put yourself and our baby in danger. Please stop crying and looking at me as if I'm a monster, I'm doing this for us, for our little family." Steve placed his hand on your bump and caressed it lovingly, "When I first came out of the ice and realized that I'd lost nearly 70 years, I felt lost and broken. Then after I managed to learn and adapt, I looked for answers. When I learned that Peggy had lived happily without me, I felt defeated, I'd saved the country and countless lives, but it cost me my own life and happiness. While I grieved the lost of Peggy, I had a dream of you one night. After that dream I remembered how I'd broken your heart and wondered what'd happened to you, so I searched for answers...at first every lead I had led to a dead end, it was as if you'd disappeared off the face of the earth...that was until I found out that your brother William was still alive, I eventually managed to arrange a visit with him and told him we were old friends in school, that we'd bonded because of our loser statuses and he opened up like red sea did for Moses. He told me about how your parents sent you away to live on a farm all alone after your family had found out you were pregnant after getting raped. He told me about how your brother John always drove back and forth between home and the farm house, how overtime John became frustrated and irritated that he was always the one who had to drive back and forth, he told me about how you would never talk about your rape, how John became suspicious that you knew who it was and was trying to protect their identity. William wept as he told me about how John had refused to come see you after you'd refused to talk to him about who had assaulted you. He barely managed to make out the explanation of how John and him found you dead and covered in your own blood, you’d died trying to give birth in a cold bathtub, all alone. How John blamed himself for refusing to drive to check up on you, William also detailed to me about how the guilt ate at John until he couldn't live with himself anymore and he took his own life as well.".

Steve reached out for your left hand and played with the shiny ring he'd placed on your finger without your permission, "When I asked where you and our baby was buried, William just stared off and said that he couldn't remember, that your family had buried you in what used to be the garden of flowers before you parents sold the old farm off to a company. When he couldn't grasp why I was so invested in what happened to you, I revealed to him the truth. That I'd been the one who raped you, I told him everything and I watched as your brother died of anger, frustration, and heartache. I could've called for a nurse or doctor, but I didn't I watched him die a slow, pained, and guilt-filled death. What I did to you wasn't right, but how your family casted you away and left you and our unborn child to die alone in a cold bathtub in the middle of nowhere was worst." You trembled and tried to pry your hand away from Steve's hold but he just clicked his tongue and continued to play with your fingers.

"I lived in regret, you'd spent your life loving me...truly loving me, and I'd thrown that away for someone who couldn't even wait a proper mourning period for me...but you, you died trying to bring a piece of me into this world..." Steve was beyond delusion, you hadn't gone through the pregnancy for him. Steve had built this narrative of his own, he believed that you'd died trying to birth a part of him so you could stay close to him, when in reality, it was simply because this was YOUR child who you loved, not because it was Steve's.

Before you could correct him, Steve went on, "When Tony found a way to go back to the past it hadn't even crossed my mind to use it to come back to you, in fact when I saw Peggy again I'd forgotten all about you, the old feelings of what I felt for her came rushing back...when I went back to return the stone to her timeline, I had planned to stay with her, but I saw that she had already moved on and I was beyond furious until I remembered you and our baby..." Steve released your hand and began to caress where your baby was starting to kick, "I came back and explained everything to the team, they all agreed that I deserved my happy ending too, so I traveled to the past one last time, this time it was to bring you two home, to save you two from your untimely deaths."

You didn't know if Steve somehow delusionally believed that his explanation was supposed to woo you, but you did know that it did just the opposite of that. "But your family was so selfish, they'd refused to tell me where you were, and when I'd confessed that I was the father of your child, they refused even more...so I did what I do best, I beat it out of them. It took your family two long months before William cracked after I threatened his precious Jenny. Despite how annoyed I was with them for keeping us apart for even longer, I was still willing to let you say goodbye and see them one last time before I brought you back to the future with me...but then you just had to pull that dumb stunt with the car..." Steve looked up at you and smiled smugly. "Y/n, this is home now. We'll be happy here, you can never leave me, you don't know anything about the future, and I plan to keep it that way. I'll never let you go now that I've finally got you back."

Steve climbed on top of you as he revealed your future to you. You tried to move away from him but stop when he purposely put pressure on your broken legs, "Don't provoke me y/n..." In a swift move, Steve tore off the blanket that separated you from him. Like a crazed animal he ripped off the loose dress you still wore, "God, I wanted to wait until you healed, but it's been so long since I've been in you doll." Steve squeezed your breasts with no remorse, your breasts leaked and squirted milk everywhere. Steve moaned loudly at the sight, he bent down and began to suck on your right nipple, drinking as if he'd been deserted for days without water. Just when you thought he was going to stop after he released your right nipple from his mouth, Steve began to suck and bite your left nipple as well, coaxing your breasts to continue feeding him its nectar.

Steve's hands roamed you body, rubbing their way all over until one of his hands wandered its way between your thighs and found the very sensitive nub you always tried to avoid touching after accidentally brushing over it once when you were showering. You thrashed you body around, trying to remove his hand from it, "Do you know what this is doll?" Steve gripped your hip and forced you still with his left hand as his right thumb rubbed circles around the nub between your thighs, "This is your clit...god you don't even know all the things I'm gonna do to you, if you thought what we used to do as teens was good, then you're gonna die of bliss from what I'll do to you tonight."

You felt your body grow warmer as an unknown feeling bundled at the pit of your stomach near your bladder. Steve continued to rub your 'clit' and ignored your pleas for him to stop, you began panting harder and harder, trying to catch your breath as the bundle of nerves near your bladder threatened to break loose. Steve bent his head and bit down on your right nipple, throwing you over the edge and breaking the bundle of nerves loose. Your back arched up, thrusting your breasts up towards Steve as your breasts both squirted and leaked milk everywhere and your thighs shook violently as the bundle of nerves near your bladder broke, you sobbed in humiliation as you felt and believed that you had just urinated on the bed. Steve moaned loudly and brought his right hand up to examine it, his hand was covered in a clear substance. You knew that the liquid like goo on his hand had come from your outburst, and to your utter shock, Steve licked and sucked his hand clean. "Fuck, doll, you taste to fucking good." You covered your eyes, refusing to look at Steve after what he just did to you. "Ah, ah, ah...what a bad girl...don't you dare look away from me." Steve grabbed your hands and roughly tied them behind your back with his belt, you hadn't even realized that he'd taken off his pants and shirt while his was drinking your breastmilk.

Steve lifted you like a rag doll and made you sit on his lap, your back on his front and making you face a big screen that was on the wall at the foot of the bed. "Jarvis, replay the footage of y/n cumming." After Steve spoke to no one, the screen suddenly lit up and displayed you sobbing and moaning lewdly as your back arched and spread breast milk everywhere. "See that doll? God you look so fucking gorgeous cumming like such a cock-hungry whore." As As horrified as you felt from watching yourself on the screen, you also couldn't concentrate because of Steve's hand that was once again rubbing your 'clit'. Steve slid two of his fingers inside you, making you throw your head back from the feeling of being stuffed with something after neglecting your needs for so long. "Jarvis, display live footage." the screen switched to you sitting on top of Steve who had his fingers pumping in and out of you and his thumb rubbed your clit. Steve used his free hand to force you to look at the screen. "Look at yourself doll, what a lovely whore you are...keep your eyes on the screen as I make you come again." Steve curled his two fingers inside of you and pressed up against a sensitive patch inside of you and made you watch the screen as you once again screamed out like a whore in heat and arched your back, breasts leaking and squirting milk all over your bulging stomach and broken legs that were both wrapped in casts. You held onto Steve's forearms in hopes of stopping him, but this seemed to just fuel him further. "That doll, was your g-spot." Steve laughed manically as he moved his hand from your jaw down to your throat, he began to squeeze harder, closing up your airway. As you became more light headed Steve licked you tear off your cheeks and removed his fingers from inside you to roughly pinch your clit, your body tried to jerk away but Steve ignored it and aligned his cock it at your pussy hole that was twitching from cumming twice. "Watch as I fuck you, watch as your greedy cunt stretches and swallows up my big cock. Just like it did the night I raped our baby into you."

You watched in horror as Steve tightened his hold on your throat, completely cutting off your airway as he thrust his cock all the way into you all in one go and pulled on your clit with the fingers that was pinching it. Your body spasmed and you saw nothing but stars as you cummed harder than the last two times, the feeling was so intense that the world went black for a bit before your regain consciousness and saw that Steve holding your hips to fuck you up and down his cock, treating you like the nickname he always called you...doll. "Fuck that as so hot, I can't wait to fuck another baby into you doll." Steve grunted and shoved you down onto him so hard that you felt in crush against and nearly past your cervix, even though you had just woke up, you found yourself cumming again. Steve moaned loudly as he came inside you, painting your insides with his cum.

Steve let go of your hips and your fell back against him, unable to move a single muscle or bone in your body. You saw yourself on the screen panting for air like a dog. Steve wrapped his arms around you and carefully caressed your bump, he kissed the top of your head lovingly, "I love you so much y/n, I can't believe we can finally live the rest of our lives together, just like we used to talk about..."

...

Goodbye all 🫡 now for me to go drown myself in some holy water and fall off the face of the Earth again...

[hiswordsarekisses]

“In life, as I walk through the fields and plains. I stumble upon a single wild flower that has blossomed and sprouted.

A reflection of God's glory on display. It's fills my eyes with unfathomable beauty and majesty. The intricate details and immaculate design. The subtle, pervasive, and distinctive aroma. It's tenacious and unrelinquishing roots. It's rigorous and vigorous stem. And the variegated radiance of its leaves.

Our hearts always seem to be drawn to such an evasive array. It is unimaginable. It was never intentionally seeded nor planted. Yet, here it lies before my eyes. Existing and subsisting.

Predetermined and deliberate.

More than humanity could ever hope for. I can't fathom but to think aloud.

Even Solomon in all of his splendor was not dressed and adored like this dear wild flower. Yet, it did not labor or even spin. Still, here it is. But, am I the only one?

Out of the billions of people that walk this land; am I the only one that has stopped to enjoy such glorious beauty? To be transfixed on such variety and diversity? But before I blink, I see a petal fall.

It's fatal flaw. The reality of what is to come.

The curse of our brokenness.

The sign of its next season.

As my heart drops, it is filled with appreciation. The feared realization. I am the only one to ever witness this distinct flower.

To comprehend and grasp such tranquility. To notice its existence. It's intended and fixed purpose. To know that I will never understand this moment until it has now become a memory.

An echo within my thoughts.

To show me the state of my well-being. My own fragile humanity. My drained and frail spirit.

My delicate life.

But will it ever count?

Will it fulfill its holy purpose? To herald such a triumphant and glorious truth?

To be sent or be spent?

Will my reply be yes to both?

To be ready for either?

Oh how my heart clamps to comfortability and false security.

To chase my own dreams and desires. My redefinition of myself in my selfish pursuits.

My false delusions and distorted realities.

My schemes and plots to achieve such perfection to only discover a misconception.

My heart to remain unsatiable and determined to answer my preposterous plea.

To hide behind my own pride.

To try to create my own story and act like I give You the glory.

My wondering heart always wants to flee. Yet, it conceives utterly absurd lies to me.

Why can my eyes never seem to see?

I do not plan my life.

I didn't will to exist.

The hardships, temptations, and trials.

The waiting, anxiety, and worrying.

The pain and disappointment.

I did not ask for any of this.

Yet, I did. Because I live to die.

But die to live.

I am not much; but I invite others. For all to be gathered.

To witness me dying to my worst enemy. Myself.

So they can see You live.

For me to count a cost. And be indebted to grace.

To run a race to see my Savior's face.

Because of a stained tree and empty burial place.

To be here and gone within a short distinction and variance of time.

To exclaim though You slay me, I will still hope in You.

That if I perish, I perish.

All that matters is it is for Your Gospel and name to be known.

For others to cherish.

My heart just lingers to see the true source; the reflection of that glorious flower.

To see the scarred hands that wove its pattern and outline.

To see you bind the chains of the Pleiades and to loosen the cords of Orion.

To seek You and live.

To know that being close to You was always still too far.

As my heart cries out to be where You are. To perceive such divine love that I fail to assimilate.

To know You.

To know You as you have known me.

To participate in Your sufferings and death.

To know the power of Your resurrection.

To know the depths of your love based off the depth of Your sacrifice.

To know You intimately.

Being greater than all I have ever wanted.

To understand the wondrous mystery. How you do not accept me just as I am; yet you love me despite how I am.

I don't want the knowledge.

I don't want the information.

I do not want the opinions.

I want the truth.

I want to know you more than I know You.

I just want to know You.

Please just let me know You.

To know You as my Father and to be known as Your Son.

Because You are God and I am not.”

~ Soli Deo Gloria

[yuwumeniji]

Luxiem x Persona

I am thou, Thou art I

A/N: A bullet pointed brainrot of two different fandoms i have rn.... mmmm.... many thoughts, head full ♡ also... when i think im done, i dont look back (no beta we die like men around here lmao) so im very sorry for the sloppiness lmao

EXTRA NOTES:

i'm seriously in love with this artwork and it became my muse lmao || A lot of the references will be more on Persona 5/Persona 5 Royal || Proceed under the cut!

General

Luxiem - a group of misfits turned phantom thieves who have shaken up society!

both shu and ike are third years, while mysta and luca are both second and first years respectively

vox is a student teacher at the same school as the rest of the boys. he is a history / language arts teacher.

the first palace was infiltrated by luca and shu

the last person to join was mysta due to his wariness of the others

they all meet up at vox's apartment since he's the only one out of the five that lived alone.

A people pleaser; despite his good intentions, he has yet to realize that others are just using the goodness of his heart to fulfill their evil tasks.

Codename: Novelist (He wants to overwrite his past failures and see a brighter tomorrow for himself)

What Triggered A Change Of Heart? : tired of being taken advantage of, ike had realized that he has to be able to think for himself - bearing witness to how cut-throat society really is and how fiends would use his kind-heartedness to their advantage, his persona had manifested as the strength needed to stand on his own two feet and his desire to become independent.

What Is His Persona?: A grotesque, hulking ball of tentacles. no one can see the middle of the creature. ike says that it's a reference to his untapped potential (mysta dismisses it as just something mysterious and didn't want to pry)

His Position: the brains of the operation. leave it to ike to help navigate and come up with creative plans to infiltrate palaces

a childish dreamer, blinded by his own ideals and has yet to be tainted by this cruel world.

Codename: Boss (He wanted to become Number. 1; actually based on an inside joke within their group as he is the one who usually lead discussions, thus leading to everyone in Luxiem calling him "Boss" or "The Big Boss")

What Triggered A Change Of Heart? : The realization that his dreams have long been crushed by the doings of a wicked adult. luca knew he was chasing nothing but a dream, yet it was what kept him going until he felt that it was time to face reality. the anger he feels over being stamped out like this and the idea that a new adventure awaits him had manifested as his persona.

What Is His Persona?: a humanoid like being with a lion's mane and strong arms. has the ability to stand on its hind legs. luca has thought about having a weight-lifting contest with his own persona (the others think it's a little absurd fighting himself since a persona is just an extension of oneself)

His Position: the brawn of the operation. being the massive ball of energy he is, leave the fighting to luca. even in dire situations where the team is surrounded by shadows, luca will find a way to break through via sheer will himself. he is also the most physically capable within the group.

A genius who wishes to be recognized past his intelligence.

Codename: Sleuth (He wishes to seek the truth behind the wicked desires of others)

What Triggered A Change Of Heart? : pushed over the edge, mysta had enough of people blindly praising his intelligence as if his other achievements were only due to the fact of his genius-disposition or of other means - he felt as if this was what trapped in his own fame (or infamy), he wanted to live freely. the manifestation of this desire revealed itself as his persona.

What Is His Persona?: a fox like creature that seems cute at first. if anything is known about mysta, it's that appearances are deceiving - despite the cuteness, mysta's persona is quite vicious and has the ability to rip apart even steel with it's teeth. mysta and his persona surprisingly get along well; his persona has the unique sentience about it and often is seen hanging off of his shoulder or hat when they are in the metaverse.

His Position: the escape artist. leave the escape to mysta, he's the only one capable of driving everyone to safety when the palace starts to crumble into nothingness (at least only one able to escape in time, the rest either don't have a license or don't have a sense of how quickly they need to escape - ike was the one who asked mysta if there were speed limits when escaping.)

The one who watches from the shadows, a witness to the everyday injustices.

Codename: Magician (Like a magician, his dexterity and adaptability in many and otherwise dire situations leave others in awe ; yet, he refuses to share how and why he knows such skills)

What Triggered A Change Of Heart? : the more shu bore witness to, the more he grew sick of it. he felt as though a bottomless pit had formed in his stomach as he watches wicked adults take advantage over the weak - and most importantly, how weak he was for hiding behind this fear, even if he had the means of helping others. his desire to see the world where the weak can live amongst the strong without cowering in fear has manifested into his persona.

What Is His Persona?: another humanoid like creature that stands on one leg. it appears to look like a shikigami with a magician's clothes. shu has tried drawing a face on his persona's paper-like face. he's surprised that it stays on sometimes.

His Position: intelligence master. from collecting data of the big bad they must face to finding who needed a change of heart within the depths of mementos, shu has it all covered. no one really knows how he gathers this much information and doesn't really want to know how either (shu says these are basic things you can find online about anyone, but none of the members want to question if he's actually telling the truth or not)

A young adult pressured by society, once an overachiever now weighted by the burden of life after high school.

Codename: Oni (The group named him Oni due to the appearance of his persona. He went along with the name because he couldn't think of a better one, plus he found it endearing how the group of his closest friends gave him the name.)

What Triggered A Change Of Heart? : vox's anger and desire to do more despite the now limited resources and time he has in comparision to an older adult, or a child. despite being an honours student, vox was hit with the sudden reality check that he can no longer do what he was once able to without being compared to others. he didn't like that at all and wanted to change that perspective once and for all.

What Is His Persona?: an oni-like creature that towered over the rest. powerful and all-mighty, yet regal and somewhat refined. vox wants to invite his persona to a tea party one day.

His Position: the guardian angel. despite his mean appearance, vox cares a lot about the members of the team and shines the brightest during desperate situations. he's the hope and the eldest brother of the bunch and he'll do anything to make sure the operation goes as smoothly as possible with little or no injury to the rest of the boys.

[ioannemos]

i've been adding 'ugh' to a lot of my personal posts lately and it's frustrating me not just bc i'm trying to be more positive to myself (no really i am! i promise!) but also bc. well. i know why i'm still struggling with negativity. and it sucks

as i've been changing and growing i haven't felt like i'm "finding myself" (whatever that means) or discovering cool new things or putting out new leaves or anything positive or fun or even that interesting. it's felt more like i'm excavating a building that's been buried for decades or maybe centuries and 99.9% of the time i'm the only one on the site

it's not a cool building or a pretty building, oh no, it's some kind of weird building that has random hallways and tiny windows and no floorplan that makes any sense to me and it is not in a hospitable environment, let me tell you!

EITHER

it's hot and dry and i'm getting bit by mosquitoes and there's sand in every crevice of my being and i'm mad at the dig and myself and everyone else on the planet and whoever built this building here of all places and also the building itself

OR

it's cold and wet and i can barely move in the mud that's up to my knees and i'm tired and lonely and it's getting dark and i just want to climb out and forget about this place and go do something, anything else other than excavating this building that, as far as i can tell, very few people in the entire world care about or even know exists

but the building is me. i'm the building. so i can't leave it. i'm stuck here until i die. so i've got to make the best of it, and i'm doing what i can to at least make the excavation more bearable, but it sucks! the building sucks and the location sucks and i suck as an excavator and i am so, so, so tired of excavating

and every. single. time. that i think i've made progress and can maybe stop for a while and just enjoy where i've come, i realize there's another layer. THERE'S ANOTHER FKING LAYER! the work just got harder and who knows what THIS layer will be like. but since it was built on top of a meandering building with no clear purpose or guideline or even straight line, that bodes nothing good for whatever the heck the mess it was built on top of will be

and i can usually figure out, eventually, why my thought patterns and my emotions and my fears are the way they are. i know why i'm scared of living alone. i know why it's hard for me to speak up for myself. i know why i struggle to fight the deep-seated belief that i'm terrible for needing literally anything, especially if i dare to ask for it

i can figure out, eventually, why this room is the way it is and why it's connected to that room via this narrow hallway. i can figure out why this room has no windows. why that particular room is in the middle of everything. why this is a supporting beam

but it sucks! and finding out why this a load-bearing beam tells me what i need to replace and usually what i need to replace it with, but not how. not who i can ask to help me replace it. not when i should do it or how to recognize a good time to do it. and sometimes i don't know what to replace it with, or what would be a good interim support until i do figure out what to replace it with permanently

bc i don't want to be scared the rest of my life. i don't want to try to conform to what i think the people around me might need or want from me. i don't know what i want out of life, what my calling might be, but i want something. or maybe right now i just want to want something. bc i don't have anything rn, any guide or plan or even a dream. except... maybe...

peace. i want peace. i want peace on my own terms, i want what makes me feel peaceful. i don't know what it looks like or how to get there, but i want to reach a place where i can sit down for a minute and catch my breath and not feel like i'm stealing time that could be spent better on literally anything else. i want to achieve peace

and like fk do i know how to get there

[overlordzeffeero]

Ulima Bio

A middle aged Edenian. Ulima was born in her native realm thousands of years ago. Since she proved talented in magic from a young age, she decided to keep studying until she became one of the trusted royal mages of Queen Sindel and King Jerrod.

During that time, she met an Edenian elite soldier especialized in espionage, Delilah. She believed in protecting Edenia at all cost, no matter how controversial her methods could be. Ulima agreed with her ideology and became a close associate of hers.

After the fall of Edenia at Shao Kahn's hands, Ulima and Delilah fought alongside the rest of the Edenian Resistance in a last desperate attempt to reclaim their realm. After many failures and losses due to Shao Kahn's forces, the Resistance had to be disbanded for the moment, and Ulima had to hide alongside Delilah.

Having lost her realm and prior life, Ulima started feeling it was all worthless, that there was nothing she could value in her life. Except claiming revenge against Shao Kahn, that is. Delilah, on the other hand, had new plans now that she had lost all hopes of recovering Edenia.

Delilah now wished to take over Shao Kahn's Empire, so she could create an ideal society at her image, one powerful enough not to lose it again. For that, she knew she needed a new army, and ended up deciding to use the hatred many human Outworlders felt towards 'creatures of darkness' to gain followers. The Hikari Clan was born from it. Wanting to take her revenge against Shao Kahn, and deep down feeling that Delilah was her only friend and only part of her prior life still with her, Ulima followed her, even though she didn't care about her ambitions nor thought her undefeable dreamed Empire was really possible.

Ulima is currently one of Delilah's most trusted magic experts in the Hikari Clan. She has become experienced and skillful in light magic over the years, an ability rather useful to destroy 'creatures of darkness'. Her objective is to see Shao Kahn and his Empire burn to the ground, no matter how many must die to achieve that objective.

I take this chance to mention again that the Hikari Clan is a creation of @odie1441 as part of her awesome job. 😊 This is a character created by me to give that clan a representative expert in magic and I am super glad to contribute to it. 💗 Please, go check Odie's stuff, because it's awesome! 🔥

[ohyesididnotjustdothat]

Some angsty KP thoughts by someone w no interest in reading the novels

warnings for suicidal thoughts/self harm

Ok, so you know how nampheung p much put chay's whole future in Porsche's hands??? I am gonna start off by giving her the benefit of the doubt in that I don't think she ever intended to REALLY do that, just a kinda typical "look after your brother" comment that was overdramatized. Like I don't think she ever considered that neither she nor her husband would be there for both of them and that porsche would take that small comment as a kinda mantra to live by.

Anyone who's been told smth like this when you're young can attest to how much it can imprint on you. Some trivial comment according to your parents can be instrumental to shaping your persona.

With that in mind, porsche obvs deeply internalized this; it was akin to a command to him--virtually her dying wish. Now I wonder: we already know the strain porsche went through--the desperation he was faced w. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if he considered an exit plan. It's not a stretch to believe someone would contemplate something like that, particularly since porsche seems to have issues w self worth as it stands (up until Kinn, he almost exclusively viewed himself as a vessel through which chay could achieve his dreams. even w the Phoenix tattoo--he mentions how his mother loved the bird, then immediately mentions how she told him he can't die until chay graduates. Even something so symbolic of his memory of his mother is tied to what she made him promise: he IS the Phoenix, but only insofar that it gets chay to that finish line).

Now kinda fast forwarding, if Porsche rlly contemplated these things, and the only thing stopping him was chay, sometimes I wonder if Kinn had to be there if Porsche ever spiraled. I don't mean when chay rebels. I feel it's even more ironic and devastating if these thoughts resurface in force AFTER chay actually graduates. Like Kinn notices signs (maybe even porsche tells him bc they're getting better at communicating!!!) and they both have to reconcile w Porsche's conflicting euphoria at his brother's long-sought success with his suddenly resurgent self-harm tendencies/thoughts.

Like the devastation at having finally reached that goal, only to suddenly be weighed down w years of crippling self-loathing now that his purpose is complete.

One thing I will say is that I'm a sucker for angst, but I mostly need some comfort on the other side, so I like to think--just like in that car staring at the man who was framed for killing his parents--Kinn eventually does help porsche work through this. Every day showing him how he's worth the world and more. And it doesn't make the thoughts go away, per se, but it does make them a little quieter.

[hyunin]

some of y'all know and some of u don't but being chronically ill is one of my Things. i won't get into the whole tragic backstory or anything if y'all want to know more u can dm me idm talking about it at all but asdafsdgdg i had my appointment with my specialist doctor that i've been seeing every 3-6 months for the past eight years since i was diagnosed with my illness today and. she told me i was doing well on my own and that she wasn't doing anything to help me anymore and that she thought it was time she cuts me loose, essentially meaning...i am Better Enough to not have to see her regularly anymore. she said ofc i can make an appointment with her any time if i have problems but the regular checkins aren't necessary, i have Graduated sick person school 🥳

i didn't think i was going to get into it too much but i feel like some context is important so content warning for suicidal thoughts/depression/general shitty health i guess

i managed to not cry like a baby over this until now when i'm finally home and sitting down with some time to myself and it's honestly so surreal. i have had health problems my entire life and i remember when i was like. 13 years old. being too sick to go to school anymore and being in so much physical and emotional pain that i would Pray that i would die every day. i genuinely feel so sad for baby carly she suffered so much, and the thing about having health problems that essentially steal your life from you is that you become physically incapable of planning for the future because you don't know if you're going to be too sick to do this or that or if it'll even be possible for you, so i never really thought about what i wanted to do with my life, i just didn't think about the future At All. i tried to come to terms with the fact hat i would probably be sick my entire life and tbh yeah i will be, my illness is highly treatable but never Really goes away in its entirety, it will flare up in the future too. but somehow i never really considered the fact that one day...i would be healthy enough to not need to go to the doctor every three months anymore? i used to go to the doctor Every Week.

and i'm looking at my life now and like...i'm back in school...sure i only take two classes a semester and it's taking me five years to get a degree that was supposed to take me two years, but...i'm in school?? i have a 4.0 even after finishing my required math and science courses? and i don't have an Actual Full Time Job but i DO have a source of income and i am getting paid to write which is my favorite thing to do in the world. like yeah i'm 26 i have never even been on a date in my life but like...i'm still here??? and i've grown so much? it's only march and i've already done more this year than past carly ever dreamed i could?? the entire past month i've just been floored by the fact that i never could've done any of this in the past, and apparently my doctor sees it too and now i am just. Better Enough. to live my life how i want to now. and that's so crazy overwhelming and kind of scary but also exciting. to finally look at things and think...yeah i think i can do that. instead of "what if i'm not healthy enough." to be able to look at the world as a bunch of things i can do now instead of things i can't...like maybe i will actually learn to drive and get out of this dumb midwestern town and become a journalist and maybe it is possible for me to have goals and dreams that i can actually achieve. it's so hard to wrap my head around because i never really allowed myself that possibility before

this is a lot of rambling just to say ???? i don't even know dude ASDFSDGG i just feel so happy and proud of myself...and i feel so happy for my past self too, there have been lots of times in my life that i feel like past me would be so disappointed that i haven't done more with my life but today i wish i could tell 13 year old carly that we made it. and that we will be okay and that i can promise that for a fact. and i feel so proud of the me that felt like she couldn't do Anything for just surviving those days because even those days helped me get to today and to become the me that is well enough to not have to go to the doctor more than once a year anymore. and it's not like Everything Is Better And Perfect And Great, there will still be shit days and there's still a lot to work on and a lot more growing to do but wow. things are so much less shit now than they were 10 years ago, or even five years ago, and being able to Feel that so strongly after so long is just so rewarding. i honestly can't even put it into words, i could type about 5000 more and i'm pretty sure it still wouldn't be enough.

tl;dr wow turns out the "things get better" bullshit isn't bullshit after all. it just turns out that sometimes even the shit is part of the "getting better." i hope that if you're going through a hard time now that by next year, or in the next five years, or ten years, you'll be able to look back on this difficult time and be proud of yourself for surviving it, and that you'll also be happy for your past self, and be in a position to tell the you of today that you made it and will be okay. bc if it can happen to me!! it can happen to anyone trust me okay.

[tiny-breadcrumbs]

Mulberry Song, A Short Story With Many Feelings

Reading Mulberry Song is like sitting in a car with no seatbelt on when the driver pull a sudden brake. Like yeahhh An Zi Wu is a piece of garbage for using her like that! Booo why don't you die in the war?! Then bam...the feeling got complicated and you cry when he actually die. Whatever shit happening between these two, it is so bittersweet and drenched in guilt.

In this life, Sang Ge being able to gain this moment of hesitation from An Zi Wu in exchange... Is enough.

You see, painful. Just painful. I think she love him. Maybe not a fully full blown passion, but something gentler, she is proud of him and there is fondness in there. Pity, he realize his own too late.

I saw some review here and there that say Sang Ge should hate this husband of her. That the story glorifies a woman's sacrifice and loyalty towards a man who did her dirty. In my point of view, this is just a story about war, sacrifice and guilt. It is very humane in some way. Human heart never works in a black or white, it has more shade than just that. To said it glorify would belittle the sacrifice she makes based on her choice, even as a character.

For all the trainwreck that happened, An Zi Wu can be seen as a righterous man. The rebellion he raised was against a tyranical reign, and for the people he fight, not for his own shady ambition. The scene at the top of the fortress is the final nail in the coffin. You can see she is not that bitter, she understand what the cost of that war, she understand perfectly her life is the last thing that stood in his way. Sang Ge at most is quite detached, but her act of sacrifice, I don't think she have resentment in her heart. And the marquis, he may plan the act long ago, but perhaps it never occur to him that he will grow fond of this wife he set up as a sacrificial lamb. It is truly too late to show his fear for her at that fortress. The classic of you never know what you have until it's gone.

From then on, we watch him drowning in guilt. Maybe he saw her eyes at that time, maybe he saw the smile and the way she always willing to die for him to help him achieve his dream. This new emperor naming his reigning era in the combination of his tittle and her name. Give her a lavish burial excedeed one for an empress. Never take another wife nor concubine. He chase her shadow everywhere because it is too late when the last time he chase her as a person. What a foolish man.

"Sang Ge being your wife in this lifetime, towards me, be it real affection, be it insincere feelings, I am still your wife. Should there be a day, you leave. I will definitely wait for you."

His eyelids hangs low, sinking into silence for a long time. "Wait for me then"

Bet he didn't know this simple promise last longer than just one war. Last longer than just one life.

Serve him right actually. An Zi Wu should learn his lesson about cherishing someone at your side before they gone in the hardest way possible. Must be painful. Quite poetic when she is the one who promised to stay at his side even in death, in the end, he is also the one who can't let her go. She is the only person he want at his side. They both have sad fate. Both deserve a meme of life is suck.

"But where is the path to retreat? The war already started, striving forth, still contains a glimmer of hope, and should I give up, not even a glimmer of hope will be left." His voice if very tightly stretched, carrying hoarseness like sorrow, like pain. "Sang Ge, yet you were too stubborn to even give me the chance to save you."

Perhaps it was for a better that Sang Ge lingering around, following him everywhere, and witnessing his misery. To see what he actually think of her and how her death bring him so much guilt it consume him thoroughly. She finally can see how he murmurs her name in his sickbed. How he begged her to take him away.

When he realise she always waiting, all that left only for him to return to her. And precisely that he will gladly do. I believe he end his life that night.

Finally returning to her side.

[suzyqrara]

Luke 14:15-19

9/14/2024

I have been feeling so conflicted.  At first, I was conflicted with a friend whose morals don’t align with mine but she is part of my heart.  I feel like she represents the life I decided to not pursue anymore.  The worldly life, a life where I am constantly in search for a man/connection with another person, in hopes I will get the life I want, which is an opportunity to make a bigger family and not die alone when I am old.  This is a beautiful life to hope for, but it doesn’t seem like it is the plan god has for me since I’ve had an amazingly tough time getting worldly men to be attracted to me and getting into relationships.  I don’t know how to manage a intimate relationship with a man and I am 35 years old because I only had 2 in my entire life. This is a sign that this is not God’s plan for me.  If it were part of God’s plan, I wouldn’t have such a hard time getting into relationships.  

I am tired and don’t want to chase a dream that simply won’t happen the way I intend it to happen.  I feel like the more I spend my efforts in chasing the method of achieving this dream, the longer I will be alone and before you know it.. I am dying alone in a house and mason won’t find me until he finally makes it a point to call me and sees I am not answering.  

This is not what I want.  Lord, I want to die and have someone find me right away.  Even better, I want to die having people in the room with me.  Holding someone I love’s hand while I take my last breath.  I would die with a broken heart if my last moment’s I knew I am dying alone.  I’m crying now just thinking about it.  

I was on the balcony last night feeling sad that the method of which I want my dream to be achieved will probably never happen. I had a  feeling where I want to fight for my dream.  My feeling motivated me to keep trying to talk to these men on the online dating page and have hope that I will eventually meet the one person who I can have make this dream come true with me (aka have children and be together til we die). This urge to fight for the dream is my worldly voice talking to me.  It’s not God.  In this day of age, divorce is more common and people’s attention spans have decreased so much, it becomes completely not realistic to bet that a worldly relationship (not God Centered) will last until my death. Men cheat on women even if they didn’t have intensions to cheat or even hurt the person their heart loves.  People are just so weak when it comes to worldly temptations. If I end up with one of these men on a dating site who are not God fearing and walking in their faith, I will be divorced with my man in a few years. I would 100% not achieve my dream even though I was so close!

This voice that was talking to me last night was a complete lie. A lie to get me to consider walking outside my faith and continue on turning the stone wheel until years pass by me again. If I chose to listen to this lie, I will forever be fighting for this hope and no product from my labor will come. Working so hard for absolutely nothing. 

I read a parable in Luke today.  The parable makes it sound like God had a dream of having specific people join his banquet. I guess the Israelites.  He had this dream, and he prepared the banquet for them but the dream never came true because the people he invited rejected him.  His dream essentially never came true, just like how mine looks like it won’t. 

His main goal was to have people in his banquet, My goal is to not die alone and have a lonely death.  At the end, GOD still achieved his goal but not the way he initially planned for it to be achieved.  He found other people to join him in his banquet and his banquet was full of people enjoying what he prepared. I want family to surround me in my death bed so I can achieve the goal of not dying alone.  My goal is to feel my life is ending with the feeling that I was loved in this world and that I am part of a family who will always remember me and have me in their hearts. 

I understand that this dream is heavy in my heart because it is a desire that GOD approves of and will answer my prayers, but I need to understand that the way I am imaging of achieving this dream is not the way god intended it to be. God has a plan and his plan works towards saving as many souls as he can so more people can enjoy th eternal kingdom he has created with the goal of it being enjoyed and used. My dream will be granted, and it will help God’s goal be achieved as well as long as I follow his way on how to achieve it not mine.  My way won’t help his kingdom get people in at all.  It is to meet my gratification only.  His way will meet my gratification but also be a jewel for his kingdom and that is a better plan.

God wants to use my dream.  I have this dream in my heart since I was a teenage for a reason and GOD can use it. He wants me to stop chasing these dead-end connections and chase him. 

Each time I meet these people (online dating), they distance themselves and eventually ghost. I can never go past the second date and its been like this for a decade now.  I can try it to prove myself wrong and keep meeting these people but it always becomes the same story and I don’t want to waste my time and effort getting myself pretty just to be treated like I am less than what they expected. 

This journey has left me feeling so insecure.  I can’t even look at men in the eye anymore because I am insecure. I hate feeling insecure because I know I have absolutely no reason to be insecure!  I am a cute girl, with cute curves, beautiful heart, smart and a good soul.  I am a good catch!  This world will diminish this if I keep chasing it, while God will uplift this.

 This parable was confusing at first to me but I understand that God had a specific dream, and it didn’t turn out the way he wanted it but he still achieved his dream in a different way.  God figured out the different way for him because he is God and he will guide me to my different way as long as I put faith in what he can do.  God wants me to achieve my dream that is in my heart. He will make sure I achieve it but, in his way, and the bible tells me his way is the utmost beautiful way.  A way that I could never even fathom to be set out for me.  Thank you Lord, for talking to me this morning just like I asked you.  This was the motivation I needed to continue to walk your path and not pursue these online dating crap.  I will try to go to church tomorrow. 

[rainbowywitch]

Save our life,please!! 🥺🙏🏻🍉

Hello, I am Oday from Gaza, I live in war, fear and destruction, we have been living for almost a year now but we do not know how long, we have been displaced from our home more than 13 times,

every time I was displaced to another place I prayed that this would be the last, but then came the idea of forced exit to search for safety where there is no safety, we got very tired and our bodies were exhausted, we no longer had the energy to continue, we lived hunger, thirst, cold and all the difficult conditions that humans cannot imagine,

we did not imagine that a day would come when we would live all of this, I lost a lot of my family and I don't want to lose more we would live all of this, I lost my family and my childhood home, even my friends are no longer there, I was left alone!! I am looking for salvation from death, I fear death and I dread it, the idea is terrifying to leave your dreams, ambitions and the life you planned for and go from this world, we do not deny death but we do not want to live it now,

I had a beautiful life, suddenly I do not know how I lost my life, we live in a tent that can only accommodate 3 people, made of nylon that no human can bear, just standing in it for more than two minutes during the day is enough to melt you, in addition to insects, diseases and lack of privacy, imagine all this!! Can you live??

Things here are more difficult than you imagined, reality is painful

We wake up every day to the smell of death, I have been surrounded by tanks and helicopters more than 4 times, each time I do not know how to survive? It seems that my death has not come yet

I do not want to die!!🥺🥺

Please help me save my life and get out of here, life is impossible

Your donation will save my life, it is the only way, hand in hand we can achieve the goal please 🙏🏻

Link to my campaign to help me get out of gaza

https://gofund.me/7fc8a826

My campaign vetted by

@el-shab-hussein

We raised funds for Oday and his family who have been displaced several times as a result of the suffering devastating attacks 2023-2024 Please read their story below. From Oday: Hello, I am Oday Adnan Al-Anqar and I am 22 years old. My family and I lived in a rented house for 7 years until my father bought a very warm and comfortable apartment for our family and turned it into a beautiful home for us after a lot of fatigue and trouble. My father Adnan, my mother Sarah, my older sister Farah, my brother Abdullah, my brother Youssef, and my younger sister Rafif, who is only 5 years old. We were living in peace and had dreams until the suffering bombing that does not stop now. Since October 7, the suffering occupation forces have contacted me (and all Ga_zans) several times with a recorded message saying: “Ham_as is the cause of this destruction and you must evacuate Ga_zaCity in the northern Strip.” We suffered from these calls because they are psychological torture. They make us nervous, call at night and disturb our sleep. My house after What happened On Friday, October 13, 2023, I took a day off from my job in a clothing store after finishing my work at university. I was outside my house looking at the situation on the streets when suddenly a drone dropped several newsletters stating that Ga_za City should be evacuated now. So my family decided to move to my sister’s house near Al-Shifa Hospital because this area is a safe area and it was a very difficult day. We (my family and my sister’s family) lived in my sister’s house for twenty days, but on the twentieth day, the occupation committed a massacre against my sister’s husband’s cousins ​​in the house opposite her house. We ran quickly to see what happened, and as soon as we arrived we started crying when I saw the bodies. I tried to help the rest of the people buried under the rubble, but the neighbors They stopped me, saying that I would not help in the psychological state I was in. I saw death before my eyes. I insisted on helping, and I pulled out the martyrs and body parts with my bare hands. The next morning, we could not stay in that area. We walked a distance of 15 kilometers along Salah al-Din Street to escape to southern Ga_za, carrying My little sister, and I hear her screaming as she says, “My brother, my father, get me out of here.” Our journey along the escape route was horrific, as much as we witnessed unimaginable atrocities: corpses lying in the streets and houses turned into rubble. We passed through a checkpoint of soldiers while they raised their weapons in our faces, and the sounds of planes and artillery did not stop. We saw death from every angle. We had to move to Deir al-Balah to our friend's house for ten days. It was very difficult there because the house is far from any markets or stores to get what we need. We even had to buy water for washing and that was very expensive. After that, we had to leave because our friend's family needed to stay home. We left and headed to the city of Ra_fah. We stayed in a rented apartment for two months, but after that we could not stay due to the high cost of rent and the lack of work to get enough money. We had to live in a tent, which was a large piece of cloth, in a camp for the displaced.

Next to our camp, the street was full of sewage and garbage. So if I don't die from the bombs, I might die from the disease Our routine here is to wake up at six in the morning or earlier due to the noise of air strikes and explosions, and try to find a bathroom to relieve ourselves and wash our faces. After that, I go looking for water to wash the dishes and for drinking water. Unfortunately, we cannot shower here because there is no facility or water for it. At around 9am, my brother and I go to whoever has solar panels so we can charge a battery for our lights to use at night and our phone battery. After that I will go look for food. All the food is expensive and hard to get since there are so many people here. There are over 1.5 million people now. We've all lost weight. It's almost impossible to find any chicken or beef, and food prices change all the time. Fuel is also expensive and difficult to obtain. The cost of evacuation at this point cost my family about $5000. My father has not received his salary since the suffering attacks We apologize for our scattered thoughts. We've all been lost and haven't been normal since all this chaos. We do not know what to do, especially now that they have entered Raf_ah and we have been displaced again to Deir al-Balah due to the military operation by the occupation forces. We do not know whether they will invade Deir al-Balah as well or not We don't know whether we should leave because maybe it will be worse where we go, or stay here and maybe regret it. We really miss our homeland. We loved it so much and were so comfortable there, but now it's just rubble. We couldn't even retrieve any of our belongings from under the rubble. So, even if the war ends soon, where will we live? We only have each other left. Living in the camp is very difficult and unhealthy. It's very cold and you are always around a lot of people, noise, sewage and garbage. It is very crowded, so you cannot relax or enjoy the peace. We are looking for a safe way out of Ga_za, but it is very difficult and very expensive. It costs more than $5,000 per person to go to Egypt! Unfortunately, we cannot afford that. We have witnessed and survived four wars. Will we survive the fifth? I will tell you more about myself. Ever since I graduated high school I dreamed of being in the USA and studying law there! Unfortunately, I was unable to leave Ga_za due to the high tuition fees, so I studied motion graphics for two years and graduated with honors and was preparing to complete my bachelor’s degree. I worked in a design and montage company and I loved my work very much. Then I opened an online clothing store, but I was unable to complete my project because of the war. On 10/13/19, I left my home, my clothes, and my memories there in Ga_za City. I have described the suffering to you here, but it is just a drop in the ocean. I used to be a giver but this is the first time I have asked you to help me and my family evacuate Ga_za and live a new, safe and comfortable life.” This picture is an honest poem that demanded a right

It has pollution, but we have to Please help us raise funds to evacuate Oday and his family and help them establish a new life. Contributing any amount will help us greatly. thank you very much all I love you from the bottom of my heart

[marisdisry]

Entry IV: 06.19.2024

Maybe I don't deserve therapy. I still cannot fathom even avoiding my cousin. I am lonely.

Being an only child truly rides you down the deepest depths of loneliness. At least I think so. I'm not all that close with my friends apart from one girl, and I don't try to engage myself with my other friends. While I can see that my upbringing is not naturally at fault, all of this is arguably self-inflicted by isolation, I was never even allowed to play with the children in my neighbourhood and grew up with my development guided by an iPad. If not for school and regular socializing, I would have never learned to speak to people.

I cried the other day from how lonely it felt to wake up by myself, do things by myself, and even sit by myself. I had to send the voice notes to my best friend and speak to my cousin just for assurance that we will see each other again - my older sister/cousin, not the touchy one.

My older friends told me that everything wasn't my fault. I am minimizing the trauma by saying things like "(this happened) but (this happened to make up for it/this was given so this has to be taken in return).

It is going to be a long while until I see them again. I still feel a pang of sadness at the thought. Being by myself all day without one single soul I agree with is torture. How I did it all my life before, I know will come, but right now, I keel over and sob like the immature child I have always been - I have always felt like.

On the other hand, I have started to become more active on EDtwt. Terrible decision, I know. But I would rather have a community I could at least relate to. My body has always been my biggest flaw. The most outstanding mistake I have ever seen walk this Earth. I stopped looking into the mirror long enough to notice what I disliked, and instead, I focused on the newly prominent features that were surfacing from the loss of weight.

I don't have good skin, good teeth, or even a good scent (or so my aunt told me). I would at least want to be shaped nicely. Dainty. Helpless. The true meaning of my existence is lost in the rolls of fat I so indulged in having. Customers would at least like a product they can appreciate in the shadows when the light reveals its true ugliness. Like a fleshlight. I'm not planning on becoming a prostitute yet, but I think you get what I mean.

It's difficult trying to find an older man willing to support an ugly, shameful cause like me. But I will try to keep looking. I do want that new phone.

To be honest, I want everything. I am greedy. Materialistic at best, a thief at worst.

But throughout everything, as I write this and dissect my thoughts and feelings, I still wonder - would things be better if I just killed myself? It's only a passive thought, I still have dreams and ambitions even when I'm not too keen on achieving them. A life of passion is romantic and I fantasize about being one of those young women who are burnt out by academic pressure but still achieve what is expected of them. They are broken and stressed, but they are still the best at their game. Meanwhile, I could barely muster up the motivation to so much as want to take the test I would need to improve my standing in life.

I cut and I starve and I am still the same loser with no self-respect who yearns for her cousin's touch.

Why can't I just be different? Why can't I change? Why do I have to feel this way out of everyone? Is it because I barely believe in God?

I want to be good. I want to succeed.

I want to die. This is all so exhausting.

[tetrisfinished]

the good place - SPOILER ALERT

i'm currently binging this show. i started watching it a while ago when it first came out but lost momentum when i had to wait for next seasons etc. so this time i've started right back at the beginning.

i am sincerely enjoying this show and in light of the "veil" that's been lifted from my own eyes since oct 7th , 2023 (#freepalestine), it has started to feel like this show has taken on a whole new meaning for me.

the premise of the show is that 4 humans die and wake up in the afterlife and are led to the "good place" ie the general understanding of a "heaven". but [IF YOU WANT TO WATCH THIS SHOW AND DO NOT WANT SPOILERS, STOP READING HERE] what ends up being revealed is that those 4 people have actually been sent to the BAD place ("hell") but have been led to believe that they were in the good place!

and have had to experience subtle tortures in the bad place that completely ruins their "good place" experience.

and i just feel like is there a more perfect metaphor or anecdote for our lives these days. especially for those of us living in the "civilized western world".

the world that gives us all the comforts we need, but always leaves us either wanting for more or else completely stretched out in order to afford the stuff we do have?

one of the things that i think is such a PERFECT plot point in the good place is the fact that instead of ice cream, the place is filled with frozen yogurt places. in the scene where the "architect" is trying to come up with this idea, he asks his assistant "janet, what's a food that people think they enjoy but that's also kind of a bummer?".

to which janet responds "frozen yogurt".

have we not been led to believe how much we will enjoy our worldly possessions. how much we need the houses that we spend our money mortgaging, how much we need that designer LITERALLY ANYTHING in our lives? in the world of massive multinational corporations driving our demand towards whatever they're supplying, have we not been brainwashed into believing that they will solve our problems? when....in actual reality....we might not actually HAVE problems!?

URGH.

life out west is exactly this; it's a life people think they enjoy, people strive to achieve, but it's also kind of a bummer. we work all the time, we live for the weekends. we purchase devices to engage with other human beings and make connections and lo and behold those same devices are the things that drive us away from those SUPER NATURAL experiences!

we earn money to have food, then we earn money to have a car, then we earn money to have shelter. but it's not enough. we need the best food. we need another car. we need a mortgage over a rental. and after the mortgage, we need a cottage and an airbnb. we need these things that we don't actually need in order to sustain a life that perhaps, if someday, we had the balls to be honest with ourselves...we don't actually want!

and i get it, i'm the biggest victim of capitalism and the "American dream" that i know. i refused to even consider having a child until i had signed off on a mortgage. WHY? would a rental not have sufficed for esa who yearns so badly to sleep in his parents' room, in his parents' bed?

we needed a car and then we needed another car because we were just going to our jobs and both of us work and yasir has a side business all for what? so that we could afford our home?

and now we want a bigger home so that we can continue to work and not actually spend any time in said home!? what are these weird toxic circles that we're building for ourselves!?

when Allah swt has asked us for none of this. He has not asked us to build houses. He's asked us to build families. He has not asked us to buy cars. He's not asked us to have iphones or teslas or guccis or pradas. He's asked us for faith and tawakkul and worship. and He has promised us reward in return.

and yet we walk about our daily lives as if we have control over these things!? i'm planning my family as if i have any control over actually having a child!? i'm planning my career as if i have any control over receiving a promotion!?

obviously, i still understand, the control we do have lies in our hard work and Allah swt rewards honest hard work. but i mean....if it's not meant for us, it will not be for us. and if it is meant for us, nothing will stop it from us. so how do we go around with the audacity to believe we have any semblance of control.

anyway. i have just gone through some pretty big life realizations since this past october and i just....i guess i feel jilted. i feel like i've been lied to. i've been brainwashed and pushed into wanting a certain life for myself that i didn't ever really need. but here i am...fulfilling it's demands.

when perhaps my purpose on this earth was not any of that.

anyway. before i become incomprehensible, i'm going to end this post.

much love,

goodnight.

[hanaaamaryam]

Quarter-Life Crisis

"Impostor syndrome"

As silly as this sounds, after the countless of stories I've heard from people, friends, of their own experience in feeling lost in life. I can't seem to shake this feeling off. I've been reading post online to get some answers in my life. Even when I am experiencing life, I will self-doubt myself on my own opportunities and own experience. By comparing myself to others. I've read somewhere a quote stated:

"The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” ― Charles Bukowski

I guess that speaks volume to me. At times, I realised that everything you see online is fake. What is priceless is within you. Your own experience. I believed that when one feels stuck in life, it's actually a good sign to take this opportunity to reflect on your own skills and all the choices you have made.

Let me tell you something, i find it very hard to start something when i don't even know where to start. I'm clueless. I've never been this clueless in life. I've always been so carefree. So free spirited. The type to go where the wind takes me. They said: "Just start, just do it","take that leap of faith". it's easier said than done when the only one standing in your way is yourself. Being in your twenties can often be confusing and lonely.

It starts with a feeling of being locked in to a commitment at work or at home. We take on jobs, rent apartments, and enter relationships, but then feel trapped in pretend adulthood. Then, at some point, they leave their romantic partners, jobs, or social groups and become separated and lonely. Reflecting and recalibrating plans, alone and isolated, until eventually they go out and explore new hobbies, interests, and social groups, finally emerging at the other side of the crisis happier, more motivated, and with a greater sense of clarity. They say, it will come to an end. The sooner you accept it, the better you will feel.

And for me, it's only the beginning.

Every time i open social media and see all these people, they all seem so collected and level-headed. They seem to know what they're doing and where they're going. They've all travelled to places I've been dreaming of for years. And at work, people seem so passionate about their work. How come I don't feel that way? Why am I not happy?

I used to have dreams and ambitions. I still do, but they seem to have gone into hiding and I can't find them. Does my life have purpose? Am I just a speck on this earth? Will I achieve anything before I die?

Oh how I wish to be young and carefree. To do just whatever the hell I want. To create experience. To find adventures. Make friends.

But this is the reality.