#I want to help so bad no matter how much I know I am unloved.

[sunlit-mess]

consumed by the inevitable

[whimsyprinx]

i don’t think I’m like actually allowed to be happy or that I even know how to be anymore

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

I am so happy you're back and seem to be doing even a little bit better! We missed you!

I wanted to send a little message, so you can ignore it if it sours your mood or you don't feel like dealing with it, feel no pressure at all! It's just this blog has been a safe space and the community has been so welcoming that I figured I could vent really quick

You know when sometimes the brain just has a really shitty day, like when you draw something and it screams at you that it's trash even though there's nothing wrong with it? I've been having a rough time with it deciding to scream that comfort characters would cheat, probably as an 'You are so unlovable not even fictional characters would be loyal' bullshit. Now, logically, I know this makes -67 sense. But, I was wondering if you could just reassure that like, Sanji, Mihawk, Buggy, Shanks, Crocodile, Blablablablabla long list of One Piece characters you write for, would not cheat? I'm sorry, this sounds lame to even write out but I'm trying to get my brain to stop thinking that asking for help is 'pathetic' because it is not and it only applies that logic to me, never to anyone else.

I dunno man. Brains and bring human ate both though af.

I missed all of you as well. Really and sincerely. I have a tendency to go radio silent when I'm going through a difficult time and I hate it immensely, but hearing that I was missed to makes me all

And yes, oh gods, I know. My brain is frequently my worst enemy. Especially when I'm not writing. My anxiety starts working overtime and my creative drive becomes dedicated to coming up with problems that could potentially happen for me to worry about even more and it's an absolute bitch; or even when I am actively creating and a little voice insists that everything I make is stupid garbage.

This is still very much and always will be a safe space. It definitely is awful to feel that unworthy of love. Full disclosure, I've mentioned in passing before that I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder depressive type. My main issue is auditory hallucinations that like to insist that everyone I love and care about only tolerate me out of pity and secretly would rather I not be around, which leads to me isolating myself from people. Huge part of the reason I go silent when life decides to be a bitch. I know it's just as bad feeling that way about comfort characters, if not even worse, when we're supposed to have them to help us get through that kind of bullshit.

So let me provide a little drabble for the one comfort character I’m certain wouldn’t ever allow us to continue being so silly about our worthiness of love and affection, because we’re all worthy of such a basic human need. I may do more later, but one in particular jumped at the opportunity to provide this comfort, and I fear he may counter me with his dreaded puppy-dog-eyes should I even dare attempt to wait.

Good Enough

OPLA!Sanji x AFAB!Reader

Lil drabble thingy

SFW, Hurt/Comfort

Possible TRIGGER WARNINGS for depression, insecurity, self-worth

♫♬ Moonshine ♬♫ — The Fratellis (yes I’m STILL on my Fratellis BS leave me be)

"Never knowing is the most evil feeling, when every answer here is none too appealing"

Sanji had always been a flirt. You knew that from the moment you started working on the wait staff at Baratie. Your trust issues had made it a little difficult for you to open up around the young sous chef (and occasional waiter on the frequent occasion that Zeff kicked him out of the kitchen for insubordination), but it was his outgoing nature and perseverance that had ultimately won you over. He had a way of making you feel like you were the only girl in the world when you were together, doting upon you, all but worshipping the ground you walked on.

But when he was sent out to work the dining area, it always made you nervous. His innate charm, his handsome features—he was nearly always a hit with female customers. No matter how much you told yourself that he was only doing his job, there was always a nagging feeling that maybe there was more to it than that. Watching him interact with a table of pretty young women, who by their clothing and demeanor were obviously far more affluent and sophisticated than you, left you distracted in your own work.

Seeing how they giggled at everything he said, how they fluttered their eyelashes when he brought them their drinks.

How the pretty blonde at the table leaned so close to him while he pointed to something on the menu, close enough to brush her hand across his.

You managed to spill a tray of drinks all over yourself while you were watching, leading to a scolding from the front of house manager. You saw the table of girls from the corner of your eye, giggling at your clumsiness before you were sent off to clean yourself up and change your uniform.

No matter how much you told yourself you were being silly, there was nothing you could do to shake it. The doubts, the thoughts of how easily he could find someone better than you. You had your jaw clenched the entire time you were changing your shirt in the staff restroom, tossing the soiled one aside as you leaned against the sink in front of the mirror and forced yourself to take slow, level breaths.

You were still on the clock. You couldn’t break down. You had to get changed, had to get back to work, had to pretend everything was fine, if he found out you were being so stupid about this then he would definitely drop you like a bad habit, you had to compose yourself or—

Knock knock.

Your eyes darted to the bathroom door, your breath catching in your throat at the sound of the light knock.

“J—just a minute,” you forced out, flinching at the sound of your own voice breaking a little.

Stupid, you’re being stupid, stop it stop it stop it—

A brief silence followed your answer, a silence that seemed to stretch on for miles despite lasting only a few seconds. The familiar, gentle voice that answered after a moment made your hands clench around the porcelain of the sink.

“You alright, love?” You drew in a sharp breath, swallowing, clenching your eyes shut. Of course it was Sanji. You had almost hoped that the manager had come scold you for taking too long. That would have been easier to deal with right now. Your eyes darted to the locked doorknob as it rattled a little. “I heard—”

“I’m fine,” you said immediately, the strained quality of your own words as they met your ears making your hands tighten a little more on the edge of the sink. “I—I just tripped and spilled a few drinks, I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Are you sure you’re alright?” You gritted your teeth, laying your head back to stare up at the ceiling. Of course he wouldn’t let it go that easily. The doorknob rattled a little again, and you glanced at it as if it were a viper poised to strike out at you at any second.

Stupid, you’re being stupid, don’t—

“You sound—”

You reached out and turned the lock on the doorknob, and turned away from the door, crossing your arms over your half-buttoned shirt and stared down at your feet. After a long moment, you heard the door open behind you.

Evidently you didn’t look any less distressed than you felt. His quiet sigh met your ear as the door shut lightly and the lock turned. “Oh, love, it’s fine,” he said gently, his footfalls echoing quietly in the small bathroom, closing the short distance across the tile floor between the two of you. Your whole body tensed as he wrapped his arms around your waist from behind, resting his forehead over the crown of your hair with a quiet chuckle. “It’s only a few drinks, it could happen to anyone.”

You shook your head, your shoulders shaking a little. Stupid, it was so stupid, but the words were already leaving your mouth before you could stop them. “Oh, yeah, anyone.” You couldn’t stop. You couldn’t. He had a way of pulling all your insecurities to the surface that no one else did. You pulled your crossed arms tighter, staring down at the white floor tiles for a moment before shutting your eyes tightly, your voice shaking a little. “Especially a dumb screw-up like me—”

“Don’t do that.” His tone came out a little sharper with this, and your breath hitched audibly in your throat this time, your shoulders hunching as you clenched your eyes shut tighter, swallowing back the lump in your throat. As if to counter your stiff posture, he pulled his arms tighter around your waist, pulling you closer, his thumb rubbing lightly against your waist in a comforting manner. “Don’t, sweetheart. Please.”

The warmth of his embrace already had you relaxing a little. Your shoulders slumped, your body leaning back against him, but your eyes were still burning when you opened them to stare down at the toes of your shoes.

“Was it the manager?” he asked gently, shifting behind you to rest his chin on your shoulder. “If he was being an ass I’ll gladly kick his ass off the docks.” Your breath left your lungs in a slow, trembling sigh as you shook your head no, your gaze drifting down to his hand at your hip, still rubbing lightly against you, your lips curling into a fleeting smile at his offer. You knew you were being stupid, but… “Then what’s wrong, love?” he asked, his voice a soft, comforting murmur in your ear.

“I…” You drew in a deep breath, closing your eyes as he tilted his head so his cheek lay against your shoulder. “Y—you—“

You swallowed against the lump forming in your throat, drawing in a deep breath, trying and failing to steady the whirlwind of thoughts swirling through your mind, thoughts of how maybe this was all a lie, of how you weren’t anything more than a silly little fling to him, how you weren’t good enough, how easily you could be replaced.

You bit your lip, glancing down as his hand found yours, watching his fingers lace between your own…and the breath left you in a slow, resigned sigh.

“It’s stupid,” you said quietly.

“If it’s got you this upset, then it’s anything but stupid,” he countered, and you had to purse your lips tightly to keep them from curving into a small smile as you felt his press briefly against your cheek in a soft kiss. “And if it’s something I’ve done—”

“N—no, you haven’t—” But how quickly you shook your head, how your shoulders tensed, betrayed your worries. “I…I just…” You slowly relaxed once more as he squeezed you against him, his cheek nuzzling against your shoulder, his soft blonde hair tickling against your neck. Still unable to turn your head to meet his eyes, you bit the bullet and forced yourself to voice your worries. “You have beautiful women making goo-goo eyes at you all day,” you said, keeping your voice low in an attempt to keep it steady. “I—I don’t—I’m not—” You bit your lip, your heart racing as you clenched your eyes shut, cursing yourself internally as you felt the tickle of a tear leaving your eye to trail down one of your cheeks. “Y-you could have any girl you wanted. L—like that blonde that was hanging all over you while you were showing her the menu, or—or—”

“Oh, sweetheart…” You weren’t quite able to mask the small sob that hitched in your chest as Sanji loosened his embrace—only to gently place a hand on your hip, guiding you to turn around and face him, to pull you against his chest as you tried and failed to fight back tears. He gently shushed your quiet sobs and stammered apologies as he wrapped his arms around you fully, combing his fingers through your hair as he laid his head over yours. Your eyes remained clenched shut as you fought to control your breathing , as he pressed a tender, lingering kiss to your forehead.

Sanji lowered his head and nuzzled into your hair, holding you flush against him.

“I already have the girl I want. The perfect girl.” He pressed another tender kiss to your temple, murmuring against your skin, “I have her right here in my arms. And I hope,” he said, his tone turning a little playful as he shifted to rest his forehead against yours, “that I’ll still have her tonight after dinner shift is over.” He brushed your hair behind your ear, smiling as he tilted his head to meet your gaze, puling a small smile to your lips as your cheeks grew a little warmer. “So we can cuddle up together on the balcony…watch the stars…laugh at all the drunk idiots stumbling back to their boats…”

You could practically hear him smiling as a few soft giggles escaped you, as you finally leaned fully against him and returned his embrace, your arms wrapping around his torso as you buried your face against his chest.

“I’m sorry,” you sighed, relaxing against him. “I…I’m just…”

“I know, love.” The way he called you ‘love’ all but melted your heart now that you were calmed down, pulling a faint smile to your lips. “I know. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. And if it’s any consolation, I was in the middle of telling that self-righteous blonde bimbo how my sweet, adorable, beautiful girlfriend would wring her neck if she kept putting her hands on me—“ He chuckled as you whined in protest of his praise, tugging you closer and grinning, meeting your eyes without hesitation.

He lifted his hand to your face, his thumb brushing across your cheek, the warmth of his gaze holding yours.

“I—“

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

You both jolted in alarm, your heads turning in unison toward the sound of the pounding on the bathroom door. Before you could so much as glance at each other, a gruff voice spoke up from behind the door.

“We’re in the weeds, Eggplant!” Zeff called . “Get your scrawny ass to the kitchen! And bring your damned girlfriend, we need all the help we can get.”

A long moment of silence stretched between the two of you as you both stared at the closed bathroom door, before your gazes drifted slowly toward each other.

Before you were both giggling under your breath, as you buried your forehead against his chest, a broad smile spreading across your lips as you clung to him.

“I suppose we’ve been summoned,” said Sanji, pulling back from you only enough to gaze down at you, still smiling. “Shall we, then?”

[britany1997]

Fate Yields For No One

Chapter one

Sorry to make y’all wait so long! I hope this chapter is worth it:) (don’t worry y’all, the boys will make an appearance very soon😏) let me know if you want me to add you to this Taglist or to my main Taglist in the comments!

Reblog to support my writing💕

Poly Lost boys x Max’s daughter reader

Prologue

New York, 1986

“what if I told you that I could do more than heal you? What if I could restore your life and then some? Would you want that?”

“I’m not ready to die, I’m so scared. Please don’t let me die, not like this.”

“I am truly sorry that there isn’t enough time to do this the gentle way, I hope you can forgive me.”

Sharp fangs sinking into your neck always jostled you from your reoccurring nightmare. You sighed as you surveyed the sweat covered sheets surrounding you, running a hand through your hair as you fought to banish your fear.

After that awful night in the alley where Max has found you, you’d ran as far as you could, trading the west coast for the east. But no matter how fast you ran, you couldn’t escape your own mind.

Your life as a human was long gone, but the memories populated your nightmares. They reminded you that no matter how different you were now, how strong, you would always be that pitiful girl who’d almost died, alone and unloved.

Whatever you were now could never erase the fact that you used to be nothing to this world.

You slunk out of bed and sauntered to your balcony, taking in the breathtaking sight of New York City when night fell.

Your hands gripped the railing as your eyes scanned the bright lights, the racing cars, and the bustling crowds. You breathed in deeply, taking in your last view from the balcony before you had to flee your apartment and search for a new one, attached to a new sucker for you to use.

As much as you loathed it, your vampirism allowed you to take revenge on the cruel and wealthy in ways you’d never been able to before.

While other vampires went straight in for the kill, you preferred to play with your food. You didn’t just want to feed on random humans, you wanted the ones you chose to suffer.

You preyed on the titans of Wall Street, the trust fund babies, the old money bastards and all the other men who would have stepped over your corpse in the gutter.

You were beautiful and you knew it. It was never a struggle to ensnare them. You hung around at the fanciest restaurants in the upper east side, and the classiest bars in the financial district. Hunting was pointless, the men came to you.

You spent a few weeks stroking their egos, among other things, and they gave you anything you wanted. The money, the power, the influence they had became yours just as much as it was theirs.

They allowed you into their homes and their hearts. When you were sure that they trusted you, that they loved you, you dropped the mask and showed them who you really were, teeth and all.

Maybe you should feel bad for using them and draining them, and some part of you did feel a small pang of guilt every time the life drained from their terrified eyes.

But you had walked with them at night as they ignored the starving people that lined the streets of the city. They refused to offer even a cent of their “hard-earned” money.

When your eyes welled with tears at the downtrodden state of those around you, they wouldn’t dry your tears. Instead, the rich men would tell you that those stranded on street corners had earned their place in life.

“How will they learn?” they’d ask you. “We can’t just give people money,” they’d patronize you, “this is America! Anyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps nowadays.”

They’d assure you that they helped them more by not sharing a minuscule amount of their vast wealth. The homeless were a plague on the city, they’d insist. Didn’t you want them to help themselves?

So the men you killed, their deaths didn’t bother you much.

You shivered as you replayed their screams over and over again in your head. They called you a murderer, a monster, and maybe you were.

But so were they. You’d killed over and over, but every person on a street-corner they’d all but spit on, every dollar they’d hoarded that could have saved your family all those years ago, they were murderers too, they were more monster then you could ever be.

You were pulled from your thoughts by a firm knocking at your door.

Your blood ran cold. You knew it’d been a risk to feed on those humans that society had deemed to be the elite and important. But you hadn’t realized your actions would catch up with you this quickly.

You didn’t want to slaughter a hoard of police officers, but you’d do what you had to to keep your freedom. You cautiously unlatched the door and pulled it open.

Though you’d expected to be met with the business end of many pistols, the sight before you was much, much worse.

Wrapped in a taupe suit with not a visible wrinkle, glasses perched on his nose, the vision of the man you’d met in the alley all those years ago stood before you, a frown etched onto his face.

You gasped, moving to slam the door on him, but before you could he wedged his foot in, holding the entrance open and pushing past you.

You hadn’t felt so small and weak since you were human. Max had a way of doing that to you.

“Hello daughter,” he uttered nonchalantly as his eyes took in the sight of your stolen apartment.

You clenched and unclenched your fists, struggling to keep your anger at bay. “You’re not my father,” you spit, “not even close. I had a father remember? Because of you I’ll never see him again.”

Max rolled his eyes, “foolish girl,” he stated, “when are you going to realize that this is the only eternity there is.”

He scoffed, “you are too old to be dwelling on fairytales of an afterlife anymore. Your family is gone, it’s been years, get over it.”

You fought back tears as he ridiculed the love for your family you still clung too. Your hand raised to slap him, but he caught it before you could.

“Ungrateful child,” he said through gritted teeth, “you embarrass me and you squander the gift you have been given.”

You snatched your hand from his grasp and rubbed your risk. “I never asked for this,” you reminded him, “you said you’d save my life, but I died in every way that matters, you lied.”

Max rolled his eyes once more, “I tire of your melodrama little girl. I’ve come to bring you home.”

It was your turn to scoff. “Home?” you laughed, humorlessly, “I have no home in California anymore. My home is here now.”

Max smirked, “which home?” he asked, “as I understand it you’ve become the little ‘black widow Robin Hood’ of the upper east side. You’ve had many many homes these past few years, but they’re not really yours, are they?” He raised an eyebrow.

You crossed your arms as your gaze fell. You hated that he was right.

“I’m not going with you,” you whispered.

He hummed, “you seem to be under the mistaken impression you have any choice in this matter.”

He placed his finger on your chin and tilted your head up, “I am your sire. You will obey me.” he commanded.

“I made you what you are, and I can destroy you just as easily.”

You cringed.

“You either come back with me, or you can return to the gutter,” his hand moved from your chin to wrap around your jaw, squeezing tightly, “but if you choose the gutter, I’ll ensure it is your final destination.”

You boiled with rage but you knew Max was right. He was older than you and much stronger. As your sire you were tired to him, and you knew you wouldn’t be able to fight his thrall.

He stole your mortality, your happiness, and he’d come back to steal your freedom too.

Yet you found yourself gathering your things to leave with him. You hated him, but god, you hated yourself too.

Max flicked the light in the apartment before grabbing your arm and leading you out the door.

He sighed, “I know you resent me now, but I’m only doing what’s best for you. I take care of my children, and I hope that in time you can learn to see me as your father.” he spoke in a rare moment of softness.

You took in his words silently, offering no reply, but sure of the fact that you would never see him as anything other than the man who’d doomed you to an eternity of emptiness and pain.

FYFN Taglist❤️:

(Some accounts it wouldn’t let me tag😭 idk what the deal is)

@6lostgirl6 @peachpixiesstuff @ghoulgeousimmaculate @bloodywickedvamp @sidefanficaccounttohidemyshame @paulxbathbomd @anna1306 @its-freaking-bats @dwaynesluscioushair @feardot-com @solobagginses @pixielostboy @ria-coolgirl @vampirefilmlover @flower-crowned-lady @misslavenderlady @lostboys1987girl @warrior-616 @consuming-karma @moonbeam1987 @softchonk @besas-stuff @people-are-strange-87 @simplyreading96 @simpingforthe80s @mad-is-sad @smut-religiously777 @welcome-to-the-hole @vxarak @itsyoboysparkel @billyhargrovedemoness1987 @faefairi3 @jamie-poopoo

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

I feel the need to say something. Whether that's because someone might need to hear it, or I just need to get it written down, I don't know and likely never will. Be warned that this post might come across as a little vent-y despite that not being its purpose.

Moral of this post in case you don't want to read it all; the gods are patient. They are kind. Sometimes, in ways you don't expect.

Currently, I am overthinking something. Badly. I can feel it boiling over, and at first I tried to keep it hidden from Loki because I deemed it cringe or bad. Unlovable in some way. (even though I make a point to never label anyone else cringe, this label is often applied to me when I feel self deprecative.)

Eventually I just gave up, because I figured they'd already seen it, and I admit I vented about it. They sat with me and listened, and I could feel that he's just... Distraught. Horrified that I think this part of me is unworthy of existing. He hates that I won't let him help, either.

But the reason I say that the gods are patient is this; I have yet to do a reading about it. I don't allow much in the means of direct communication when I'm talking about it, because I "could just be imagining it" and no matter what stance they take it's either what I want to hear or what I'm afraid of. Both of which I could see myself imagining.

Loki WANTS to help. I can feel him getting antsy, kind of. I almost finally grabbed my cards to do a reading with him tonight, but I'm too tired right now and, admittedly, I'm procrastinating. This is something I am actively beating myself up about, and Loki could absolutely be cruel. They could be my worst fucking nightmare. I know they won't, logically, but emotions are not often logical.

And yet they wait. They're sitting with me right now, I can feel it- and they're going to give me all the time I need. They're a deity, they have all the time in the world. If this were a human friend, and I had vented about this but not been willing to listen to their opinions, I know damn well I would not be given the time I need to prepare myself for that conversation. But Loki isn't human. So they wait until I can pick up those cards and face the fear head-on.

I'm reminded of someone saying that Loki will push you to be far more than you ever knew you could be. I think that's true. But I also think that there's something to say about how patient they are, just... Letting us grow ourselves, walking alongside us while we're fucking terrified, and understanding that these things don't happen overnight.

[memoiich]

Modern Maul would be so reserved at first towards you. He would ask questions but not answer any about himself. But as you get to know him he is basically just a stray cat. He would just sit and look at you i swear. He is not a fan of PDA but he would always been near you, not letting you out of his sight. HFHDHFHAHH

YES

He is completely baffled that anyone would stay with him. In the beginning he was convinced you were just there for the person gain . So he started to opserve you , it was a bit unnerving in the beginning (for the both of you) . He was a bit confused at his findings, not only were you not acting suspicious , you were infact just a normal person. You answered all his questions truthfully ( and he asked alot ) plus when he didn’t want to answer yours , you let him He noticed that he somewhat enjoyed being around you .So he did the logical….

FREAK OUT. He did infact not know what to do. First he wanted to go to Savage about it, but he decided against it . Savage would probably say something stupid like “talk about it with her or answer her questions”. Savage was also his younger brother , he was never going to ask him for advice.He had to get his answers from the source.

So here he was in a bar observing couples like a weirdo , at this point he had scared off 3 couples and one lady that was bothering him. And he only knew of a few things

Ask her questions (he already did that)

Answer questions (….he might)

Sit uncomfortably close to her ( humans are odd….)

Hold hands ( he had claws , not very holdable)

A kiss (no )

Walk her home (they share one )

It was obviously a great waste of his time and energy. He was about to walk home when y/n entered .” There you are , Savage told me to come get you “ they looked around clearly confused “ what are you doing here?”

A question , he needed to answer those. “ i am watching couples” he stated “ There are many “ he added. “ Of course there are, its lethosk vevesk “ she looked add him with a kind smile . Forgetting the special holidays of coruscant had happened to him a few times. He wasn’t from here, and things like the 4 moon circles and how they connected to the civilisation love life weren’t on his mind. “ Have you ever celebrated it, Maul ?” You asked . “ No , it’s a relationship feast” he said quietly. “ its not entirely, many people celebrate it with their loved ones : parents , sisters,brothers,friends “ you looked at him “ do you wanna go back home , this doesn’t look like your scene “ .

It wasn’t supposed to be personal, he knew that but he couldn’t help but be annoyed by the fact that love wasn’t his scene , was he really that unlovable? . It didn’t matter anyways, he ran outside leaving her in the bar . Maul was dumb enough to think she wouldn’t follow.

“ Maul where are you going , lets just go home “ she was now walking beside him . Maul didn’t answer and kept walking but he was walking home and he knew that you knew that too. He slowed down too . It started raining, you were dressed quite badly for the weather . Maul didn’t want you to be sick so he pulled you closer to him . He felt a bit uneasy being so close , your shoulder was touching his and the back of your hand was touching his . He was extremely aware that he had claws that could cut you and that the people around you tensed when they caught his gaze.

When a couple that clearly didn’t want to move to the side walked next to you, you slipped your hand in his . And the claws he had worried about didn’t matter anymore. He liked your touch and he liked that they weren’t many people around, he only cared for you not them .

Maul let go of your hand when he walked through the elevator door. There was a awkward silence . The tension could be cut withba lightsaber . He noticed you fidgeting alot “ Maul do you like me?” You voice broke a bit . He felt both his hearts break , was he so bad in expressing himself that you thought he couldn’t stand you .he wished he could tell you how much he loved you . But before he could .

The elevator door opened and you started walking your shared apartment. He didnt know what to do and in his panic he grabbed your arm and pulled you to him . He looked a bit nervous before he lated his hand on the dip of your hip . He waited a few seconds before he choose to just do it . He pressed his lips to yours and to his suprise you pulled him closer by wrapping your arms around his neck . He pulled back and looked you death in the eyes “ i quite like you y/n” .

Against all his expectations, you pushed him to the wall and kissed him again . He was enjoying the moment when the door flew open . “ I KNEW IT “ savage yelled .the two of you untangled in seconds “ savage , how great to see you “ Maul said sarcastically as you walked in. “ So dating huh ?” Savage said while wiggling his eyebrows. “Im not talking about this with you “

….

Maul is currently being bullied by savage while y/n is laughing . He will never kiss in public again.

{masterlist}

[theindescribable1]

Getting Better!

Tw: A vent

. . . But with a happy ending!

((LONG LONG READ...eat some popcorn while you're reading. Idk, uhh enjoy? I cried writing this so it might be sad))

BUT WITH A HAPPY ENDINGGG!

The Bad Stuff:

If you've known me for a while, you'd know that I have been dealing with some rather intense depression and anxiety. I spent a good chunk of my young childhood feeling down and sad all day, I had trouble sleeping, I had issues. I kept all my feelings bottled up for years, it only made me feel angry and I was rude to people I loved. I spent most of my days alone in my room, never wanting to be around my family. I think my depression started getting worse when I was 8 or so? My sister was diagnosed with a brain tumor, she had cancer. I thought she'd die, I was so scared and in so much sorrow. My parents brushed my aside for a few years while my sister battled cancer. I wasn't really a main priority, I felt like I didn't matter anymore. Everything started to be all about my sister, I felt more alone then ever. My parents spent all day with my sister, treating me almost like I didn't matter for the time being. After my sister successfully beat Cancer, it felt like things were never fair for me. She never got in trouble, I always got the blame for things, she never really had to work or do any chores, but I did. It all just felt like favoritism. It made me feel less loved, less respected, and I just couldn't tell my parents how I was feeling. I felt a hate towards my parents, they didn't find ways to praise me, or give me a simple "good job" I just wanted some slight praise, someone to tell me I'm doing good. It seemed as if my parents never cared for the good I did, but they cared when I got something wrong. They scolded me for doing something wrong, it made me feel as if I had to be perfect, as if I couldn't make a single mistake. I believed that I didn't matter to them, I believed that no one would miss me when I'm gone. That's when the suicidal thoughts came in, I would think to myself; "I am unloved, what's the point of even trying? Carrying on in a world where I just don't matter.." And I would see myself committing acts of suicide, I thought about what would happen. What just made things worse was how hard I found it to make friends, it seemed like no one gave me a chance. Every school I went to, I was always made the subject of fun. I never did anything to deserve it! I did nothing wrong! Why was it always me? Why did everybody just naturally hate me? I was left out if every single friend group, I was never included in projects, I never had a partner to work with, I was always the last one picked to be in a team, everyone always just treated me like dirt. I just wanted to die, for so long I just wanted to leave this unfair and cruel planet. I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I was always so stressed, lonely, keeping everything bottled up, telling everyone that I was ok. Keeping everything to myself just gave me headaches, anxiety, stress, anger, and I just couldn't keep my anger to myself. It was becoming more and more difficult. School has always been so difficult for me, bullies, crappy teachers, and I never understood what they were teaching. The entire class was always ahead of me, I never knew how to do anything! I felt so stupid and I had no one to ask for help, I procrastinated every single thing... so many thoughts ran through my head; "I'm so stupid. I'm a loser. No one loves me. I have no friends. Everyone just hates me. Why me why me why me? I just don't want to be here anymore..." All my life up to now, I have always been brushed aside and left with my fake smile. I tried to talk to my parents about what is happening with me, but the first time I tried my mom said; "You don't have depression. You really don't! Just because you feel sad ONCE doesn't mean you're depressed! Look at all that you have! You have nothing to be sad about." It doesn't matter what I have, it matters how I feel! I felt sad and lonely all the time, all day, all night. I was scared to tell my parents again because I just thought they'd brush it aside as me just being "dramatic" and on top off aaaalll of this, my grandpa died and it caused lots of pain.

Things Start Getting Brighter:

I was at a doctor's appointment when I decided that I'd try again... I explained everything to my mom and she started to cry and gave me a big hug. She told me that she'll sign me up for a therapist! That's when I saw hope, a light at the end of a long dark tunnel. I thought to myself; "I'll get better...I'm going to be healed. I'm going to be ok. I'm finally help." After that day, my family started spending time with me, they came into my room more and gave me love. I felt happier, but still not cured- eventually I went in to the first session of counseling! My dad sat next to me for the first couple minutes while the counselor talked to him, I heard him say at one point that he was proud of me, and I couldn't hold back tears. Its because I don't hear those words much...I feel as if no one ever tells me that they are proud of me. . After my dad left, I immediately started to blurt out EVERYTHING. I just went off telling the counselor all the past things, I burst out into tears. I let everything out of the bottle. She could almost immediately diagnose me with some rather intense depression. She gave me advice, things to do, and since then I got a bit better..

So Close To Happiness:

I started to work on loving myself, treating myself to good things! I talked to myself positively! Then I decided I should restore bonds with my family but starting some family game nights and movie nights! Me and my family would play some games together on Wednesday, and movies on Friday! As of right now, I'm in a D & D campaign with my family, uncle, and my uncle's friend! Its going great so far, I'm having fun! I'm getting much closer to my family, I feel loved! I feel appreciated! My family plain as day care about me. I love them, they love me. And I started socializing more, I talked to more people, made a friend group, and I began to hang out with more family outside of my main family of 4. I talked to my cousins more often and got much closer to Carol! I had an online friend who I liked to call Goblin, and we decided to meet in real life. Once they gave me their address, I realized. . .We're neighbors!!!?? We lived in the same neighborhood, so I ran over to their house and they ran out the door, we greeted each other in a fit of laughter. We were online friends for 2 or so years and never knew we were 3 or so minutes away from each other! They are also know as The GGT is that's familiar to you! I was less of an introvert, I had more fun, more friends, many more happy memories! Oh and it got great when I got a lil app called Tumblr. I socialized even more and started getting to doing art! I had a goal, to be popular, to ve somebody of slight importance... well I've just got to say. . Thank you for over 700 followers! I love you all so much and you made my dreams come true! You are all my motivation, my reason to keep on going, my great friends! All of youuuu! I love you all so much! And to this day, I haven't felt really sad, alone, unhappy, I haven't thought about ending my life, in fact...I WANT to live, I want to keep on waking up. I want to continue to see the sun everyday, I want to continue on! I don't want to leave, life is beautiful to me now, I see the good in it all, I know that God has good plans for me, and I will wait for paradise, not skip right to it. I want to live every second of my life, I want to continue to love, laugh, smile, and be will those who love me. I want to accomplish my dreams, to have a good life with many memories.

I love you all, and if you are dealing with some bad things, just remember that there is always someone to talk to, to love you, to understand you.. And I'm one of those! You can talk to me, I'll understand you, and I will always do whatever I can to help you. Live your life, its beautiful...I used to see it has painful, lonely, unfair, dark, and depressing...but truly it isn't. Life is beautiful, and so are all of you.

Stay alive, I love you. I love you all.

[salemshotspot]

Hey there! I love how you write some niche pairings like Shawn Michaels/Stone Cold, so I wanted to know if, once you're done with your WIPs could I pleaseee request Shawn Michaels/Triple H. Angst with happy ending or jealous/possessive!Triple H but still with a happy ending! Thanks!! 💕

NO FEELING QUITE LIKE IT

Shawn Michaels x Triple H

WORD COUNT: 1.6k

DESC: After seeing the way Shawn treats his friends Hunter fears Shawn doesn't love him in the way he once thought

WARNINGS: Not Proof Read//Characters Acting Out Of Character//Angst With A Happy Ending//Arguments//Relationship Insecurity//Jealously//Small Hint At A Past Bad Relationship//Generic Pet Names//Smoking//Possessive Behaviour//Crying//Reassurance//Hints At Fears Around Not Being Good Enough

A/N >> I AM ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH THIS ASK ANON I HOPE I’VE DONE YOUR REQUEST JUSTICE!

TAGS: anon @prettyboymichaels-ao3 @outsiderswolfpac

Enjoy!

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Shawn Michaels didn't earn the title 'the heartbreak kid' for nothing; he was overly flirtatious by nature and everyone knew it. This was why when Shawn and Hunter made their relationship official everyone was surprised; they didn't think Shawn had it in him to settle down with anybody, especially somebody as reserved as Hunter. Despite the boisterous manner in which Hunter acted in the ring, behind the scenes he was one of the most private, self-contained individuals anybody could have the pleasure of meeting; Shawn on the other hand was a different story. Shawn was every bit as provocative and as playful backstage as he was in the ring and Hunter couldn't help but resent Shawn for it, he’s his boyfriend, why is he flirting with everyone he comes into contact with when his boyfriend is stood right next to him?

Hunter wasn’t even supposed to be working today, he finally had his first day off in a long time, he finally had a day where he didn’t have to spend countless hours cutting promos and taking blows in the ring. However, Hunter couldn’t spend a day away from work if his life depended on it, it just so happened that the one day he had off work was the day would be the day his boyfriend Shawn would flutter his pretty little eyelashes at Hunter and ask him to drive him to and from work as his car needed a new tyre that wouldn’t be ready in time for him to drive himself to work; and of course Hunter couldn’t say no to Shawn no matter how hard he tried. Since it was a waste of both gas and time Hunter decided he’d just spend his day backstage while he waited to drive Shawn home since he really had nothing better to do; yet here Shawn was, throwing Hunter’s kindness back in his face as he fawned over Chyna and anybody else that would give him as much as a sideways glance.

Hunter had had it, he promised himself that after his last relationship he wouldn't dedicate his soul to somebody who made him feel like he was only kept around because he had a surface level use; he couldn't put himself through feeling unlovable, not again. Hunter's spiralling was quickly interrupted as Shawn, having just finished filming a promo, dramatically burst into the room Hunter was waiting for him in; flashing a toothy grin at the entirety of the roster who happened to be backstage. As Shawn's eyes scanned the room and landed on Chyna, Hunter's heart began to hurt as Shawn opened his mouth to speak; 'Chyna! Looking good' he excitedly announces, opening his arms for a hug 'come here sugar' he gently spoke, the words practically falling from his lips. Chyna dramatically rolled her eyes and gave Shawn a quick hug; Hunter couldn't focus on the conversation which Shawn had started with Chyna as his mind began to race; Shawn never hugged him like that, hell he was lucky if Shawn would acknowledge him half as much as he did anyone else the two worked with.

'Don't you think Hunter?' The drawl of Shawn's voice pulled Hunter from his thoughts once again and without thinking he harshly snapped back at the man with an abrupt 'what?' The manner in which Hunter replied caused Shawn to jump a little before repeating in a careful manner, 'I was just saying how good Chyna looks today, don't you agree?' Standing up to leave, Hunter sarcastically muttered in a defeated tone 'oh yeah Shawn she looks good enough to just take right here and now'; before either Shawn or Chyna could respond Hunter had left the room.

Fighting the tears threatening to form in his eyes Hunter forced his way out of the building, he had never felt so stupid, he's never felt so guilty but how did Shawn think he would react to him drooling over Chyna without even so much as an acknowledgment that his boyfriend, his boyfriend who at the drop of a hat agreed to spend the whole day waiting around his place of work just so he would have a ride home. Hunter let out a long, self-hating sigh as he shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out a slightly crumpled cigarette; he promised himself he would stop smoking but he couldn't bring himself to not carry one cigarette 'just in case of an emergency' he always told himself. Lighting the cigarette with ease, Hunter brought it to his lips, taking a long drawn out drag, sliding down the wall he was leaning against as he exhaled, eventually leading to him sat on the floor. Hunter frowned and slowly shut his eyes, as good as it felt finally having a cigarette after so long, as much as he loved the feeling of his chest tightening, forcing him to let out a cough as his body was shocked by the reintroduction of nicotine into its system, Hunter couldn't help but feel his body loved nicotine more than Shawn had ever loved him and it broke his heart.

Before he had even gotten half way through his cigarette Hunter felt a figure cautiously set down next to him, reluctant to open his eyes Hunter simply sat and listened, it wasn't long before the figure revealed himself; 'I thought you quit' Shawn's voice announced. Taking another drag of his cigarette Hunter coldly responded with 'you? Having a thought about me? Well aren't I the lucky one?' Shawn went uncharacteristically quiet before questioning, 'what are you talking about?' 'What I am talking about?' Hunter shouted, his eyes snapping open to look at the man sat with him; 'you know exactly what I'm talking about Shawn.'

Hunter felt a pang of guilt strike his heart, he hated shouting, especially at Shawn, he could see his pupils decrease in size in fear as Hunter shouted. Swiftly readjusting his volume Hunter spoke again; 'don't play dumb with me Shawn please, I can't-' his voice trailing off as tears filled his eyes. Not wanting to be this vulnerable in front of Shawn, Hunter went to stand up and leave but before he could get up he felt Shawn's hand wrap around his wrist, gripping tightly in an attempt to stop him from leaving, 'Hunter please talk to me' Shawn begged, worry enveloping his voice. Sighing, Hunter sat back down and, in a distant, detached tone began; 'you want me to talk to you Shawn?' He sarcastically asked, 'how about we talk about the fact you're more than clearly waiting to leave me, is that something you want to talk about Shawn?' Hunter practically spat out.

Shawn was taken aback, he dramatically blinked as if it would help him hear Hunter better as there is no one in Shawn's mind that Hunter thinks he wants to leave him, he must've misheard him, he had to have misheard him. Almost certain this was a poor joke, Shawn nervously laughed, 'oh come on now Hunter you're being ridiculous', but the growing pain in Hunter's eyes told Shawn Hunter was anything but joking; in a whisper Shawn readjusted his tone, 'come on Hunter, you're killing me here, there's no way you seriously think I want to spend the rest of my life with anyone but you.' Hunter scoffed; 'oh yeah the way you fawn over, actually no, the way you drool over anybody with a pulse besides me, your supposed boyfriend? All the compliments that you throw at people while I have to practically beg you to acknowledge me?' Before Shawn could even comprehend the words which had fell from Hunter's lips, Hunter sarcastically added on, 'oh how lucky I am.'

A wave of guilt washed over Shawn, he knew he was an openly flirtatious guy with anyone who so much as looked at him but he didn't once realise he was neglecting his boyfriend at all, especially not to the point where the idea that Shawn no longer loved him had the chance to float into Hunter's mind. 'Hunter-' Shawn began, almost unsure what to say to make what must have been weeks of insecurity melt away, 'you're the first person I have ever truly loved and for that I'm sorry, I'm just so used to casually flirting with people I care about I never learnt how to show real love, intimate love, Hunter please', Shawn's voice suddenly grew desperate, his eyes suddenly glazed over with tears, 'please give me the chance to learn, let me make it up to you.'

Hunter couldn't stand seeing Shawn so panicked, so broken, without thinking he took Shawn's hand in his own, almost instantly grounding Shawn, bringing him back from his spiralling thoughts; 'Shawn please breathe' Hunter requested in a soft tone, 'I promise you I'm not leaving you, I love you, I love you so much but I'm just scared Shawn, seeing you act like this with other people just feels like a constant kick in the teeth that just shows me how much better you could do than me.'

With his fears slowly depleting, Shawn took Hunter's face in his hands, speaking with the upmost conviction in his voice; 'I will never for as long as I live even entertain the idea of devoting any part of me to anyone other than you Hunter, you're so much more than my entire world and if you ever feel as if I am anything other than in awe of the very ground you walk then I have failed my role as your boyfriend.'

Tearing up, laughing in relief, Hunter pulled Shawn into his chest, resting his chin on Shawn's head, the two men whispering affectionate words to each other. It was safe to say that for the rest of the day Shawn wouldn't let Hunter exist anywhere beside hanging off his arm, sure to tell anyone he came across how much he loved 'his drop dead gorgeous boyfriend', Shawn loved Hunter more than life itself and he was going to do everything in his power to never let Hunter forget that.

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A/N >> I'm sorry this took a while to get to, I'm not really sure if I like this, I'm doing my best to make it through all my requests so hopefully this was worth the wait :) Drop writing requests in my inbox and let me know if you want to be tagged/untagged in future fics

[boywonderloverr]

thoughts on the word fat

I've been fat for my whole life and when i was a kid, i couldn't even say the word. I mean it. in any context, I physically couldn't bring myself to say "fat." i felt like if the word was uttered in my presence that everybody would look at me; I thought I was the first connotation in everybody's minds. to say it out loud filled me with unbearable shame. fat was an ugly word.

as I got older i was able to say it on occasion, but only in a self deprecating way. id call myself fat and mean it as an insult. sometimes if i did, I'd get the very typical response of someone who means well but doesn't know the best way to go about it: "you're not fat, you're beautiful!"

and for a while I really loved when people told me that because in my mind, fatness meant ugliness and ugliness meant worthlessness.

changing my mindset around the word fat changed my life, i think.

because at some point i started to ask myself why, if i never thought that other fat people were ugly or somehow of lesser value than thin people, did i think that about myself? why on earth would the way my body looks change my value as a human being? getting more comfortable with the word took time. it's hard to unlearn that feeling of shame. my whole life i was told that fat = bad, and it took a while to start thinking differently. I took baby steps. started with the terms plus size or chubby. those are still wonderful terms to use. but i wanted to be able to say more than that.

I remember the first time I called myself fat and didn't mean it in a negative sense. i was fourteen, hanging out with friends in their backyard. and my girlfriend at the time was quick to 'correct' me. "you're not fat, arden. you're beautiful.'

and for the first time in my life, that response didn't make me happy, it made me confused and angry. and that emotional response shocked me to my core, and spoke to how much progress I had made in terms of my own self image. for the first time i could actually recognize that fat and ugly are not synonyms, fatness and beauty are not exclusive from one another.

it's been a while and I still struggle a lot with my body image and sense of worth. i still have days where I feel worthless or unlovable because of how I look. i am still very young and still have a long ways to go on the journey of self acceptance. but honestly, reclaiming the word fat has helped me so much. it helps me every day. when I felt bad about myself, I'd call myself fat as a way to degrade myself. now I call myself fat to uplift myself. i tell myself that I'm fat and that's okay. I'm fat and worthy of love and friendship and acceptance. I'm fat and beautiful. I'm beautiful because I'm fat. I'm fat and strong, I'm fat and healthy, I'm fat and i take care of my fat body, I'm fat and i don't need to change to be better. I'm fat!!!

the word fat, to me, used to be an inherently bad word. fat used to mean ugly, unworthy, wrong, a flaw, something that needed to change. now, fat means confident, it means authentic, it means self acceptance, it means beauty is not determined by what we look like. we are all beautiful no matter what we look like. and simply changing the intention of a word can make a big difference.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hii sex witch

im 19 afab and ive never had sex before, i masturbate sometimes but ive never had an orgasm and dont know how to "get it"?.. im generally scared of sex and identified as asexual for a long time but i dont think thats really my deal, im just scared of it. im scared of it being awkward, of my partner not finding me atractive or worse. i dont like how i look naked, and dont imagine anyone ever could. i think my vagina and my boobs look ugly and alien, i preach body positivity and being natural i think all bodies are good no matter how they look but when im faced with the reality of my own body im repulsed by these parts of it. i think something may be broken inside me because i just cant Be Normal about sex, the thought of me having it always makes me stressed and uncomfortable. i want a relationship and i love meeting new people and flirting etc. but when the person i talk to makes any sexual joke or innuendo i get super tense and scared and realise that if things get further they would probably want me to do it... and maybe i could and maybe i even want to but the thought makes me sick with the pressure. this isnt even a question, so i dont know how you could even respond but i dont have anyone i could openly talk about this in my life without feeling super weird or them just brushing it off as "you'll grow up to it" or something, and i just had to say it to someone or else i will eventually explode. hope this all makes sense ❤️‍🩹

hey anon,

come in, get cozy, grab a glass of lemonade, etc. we're gonna be here a minute.

so listen: I swear to GOD this isn't me trying to pull the "you'll grow into it" thing. I am going somewhere different with this I swear. bear with me.

first and foremost, I think the main problem you're experiencing right now is that being 19. I don't mean that in a condescending or belittling way, or to imply that you just don't want to have sex because you're 19. I'm saying that being 19 (and 18, and 20, and 21, and so on) is mostly for being worried about everything and having no idea what's going on. you have to get all that insane anxiety out of your system as early as possible in your adult years so that you can get down to business actually developing a perspective and figuring out what you want to do. I'm not even, like, a LOT older than you but trust me, by the time you're 26 you're going to feel SOOOOO different about things that you don't even realize you have an opinion about right now. when I was 19 I was made pretty much exclusively of anxiety and the cheapest bagels at the grocery store. (eating badly was not helping my anxiety.)

what I'm getting at here is that you're at like a very exciting and terrible formative age when it's the most normal thing in the world to feel like there's something uniquely awful and hideous and unlovable about yourself. when I was 19 the two most important things in the world to me were losing my virginity (lmao) and making sure I never experienced actual emotional intimacy ever because I was sure that if anyone got close enough to really know me they would realize that I was the worst person who ever lived and fundamentally undeserving of human connection. TERRIBLE place to be in; I had a lot of deeply bad and uncomfortable sex because of it.

there's a really easy solution to being terrified of sex, which I wish someone had told me when I was very scared of sex, and it's if having sex sounds like a horrific ordeal you can actually just Not Have Sex. just don't do it. it's actually REALLY easy to not have sex; millions of people do it every single day.

if you like meeting people and flirting, that's awesome! you should do that, having connections and relationships with other people is important. if you don't like sexual jokes and innuendos you can just tell people they make you uncomfortable and ask them not to do that; how they respond is actually a GREAT litmus test for whether or not those are people you should keep hanging out with. if someone isn't able to not make sexual comments about you after you've asked them not to, kick 'em to the curb!

there are tons of people in all kinds of romantic relationships who aren't having sex. that's a perfectly fine and reasonable boundary to set. it can make things a little more complicated, sure, but dating and romance and love are all complicated and messy anyway. again, great way to VERY EFFICIENTLY weed out who is and isn't a suitable potential partner. (it's also fine to not want a partner, either; there's nothing wrong with being a sociable extrovert who doesn't want to have sex.)

there's nothing broken about you for being nervous about the idea of having sex. whether you identify as asexual or not, it's perfectly fine to feel that way. it's completely fine if you change your mind tomorrow or if you feel this way for the rest of your life. and you might! maybe sex will never sound awesome for you, and that's fine! again, tons of people living very good and happy lives every day without having sex! sex isn't a measure of maturity, but knowing yourself well enough to honor your own boundaries and desires is.

I hope a kinder attitude towards your own body can come with time, and I think it will. be gentle with yourself, alright? being 19 is very silly but unfortunately very necessary, and I think you'll really like what comes after if you let yourself relax a little. whatever you feel like right now, you're actually a very normal person, by which I of course mean you have a rich and brilliant mind and will do many quietly wonderful things in your life and will be deserving of every bit of love and joy that comes your way.

also, hey - have you ever seen a therapist about anxiety? I also should have done that when I was 19.

[midnightmajick]

Don't Know Why

Mike Schmidt x Reader

Warnings: Angsty fluff

Word count: 1,351 words

I wrote (some of) this to Don't Know Why by Norah Jones. I'll link it below so you can listen to it while you read.

Also, the situation where the reader asks someone out and is only told yes because the other person thought they were joking actually happened to me in high school. Fun, I know. Anyway, I wrote this beast of a one shot in less than three days somehow. Here you are, enjoy!

“Hey, what’d he say? When are you two going out?” Mike asks casually, but as he walks into your living room, he finds you bawling your eyes out. He immediately makes his way over to you, a concerned expression etched onto his face. “Hey, you alright?” You sniffle, eyes bloodshot and tearstained. It’s been a rough day.

“He doesn’t love me,” you sob, tears falling from your eyes. He walks closer to you, his face tinged with sadness and pity. He understands how you feel. Probably better than anyone else. He’s been through so much heartbreak. Every girl he’s loved has turned him down. You’ve always felt bad for him, but at least you aren’t alone. “I thought he said he’d go out with you!” Mike says, clearly confused. “He said yes cause he thought I was joking,” you respond, half wailing as you do so.

“But you weren’t!” he replies frustratedly. He seems just as annoyed as you are depressed, and you can’t help but wonder why he’s so upset. Yes, he cares about you, but his discontent is more extreme than you expected it to be. Maybe you’re just overthinking. You brush off the thought and answer despite it.

“That’s what I said! He just said that he didn’t like me like that and reiterated that he thought I was kidding. I feel so stupid. How could I have ever thought he’d love me? Maybe I’m unlovable Mike.” “Hey, don’t say that, you aren’t unlovable,” he reasons. Or at least he tries. It doesn’t work.

“But there’s nothing desireable about me!” He instantly but softly replies, “There are so many good things about you.” He’s trying to reassure you, but it just angers you further.

“Oh yeah? Like what? Name three reasons anyone would love me. You won’t be able to. I kno-” But you never get a chance to finish, because Mike cuts you off. “You’re brave, smart, and kind. You always manage to make people laugh. You don’t hesitate to help someone in need. You give 110% on everything.”

You pause. How did he come up with all of those things so quickly? You immediately fire back, saying, “So? Lots of people are like that. There’s nothing about me specifically that makes me stand out.”

Mike sighs, clearly frustrated that you don’t see the good in yourself. He takes a deep breath before responding, “That’s not true.” “Yes it is! You know it!” you shoot back at him. “No I don’t. Because you’re wrong.” Why does he have to argue with you when there’s no evidence of you being wrong? Sure he wants to spare your feelings, but you wish he’d just tell you the truth.

“Ughhhh! Why do you have to lie to me? Nobody loves me Mike! No matter how great you say I am, nobody wants to be with me.” you say, growing increasingly annoyed. “I’m sure that’s not the case. Trust me, you-” Mike tries to parry the barrage of attacks you make upon yourself, but you refuse to allow him to finish speaking.

“No! I’ll never find anyone who wants me.” You know he’s trying to help, but it’s starting to irk you how insistant he’s being. “Maybe you just haven’t-” he starts, but you cut him off again. “I should just call it quits. Maybe someday it’ll change, but like I said, nobody loves me. Not now!” You’re about to break down into tears before he yells, “That’s not true!”

There’s silence for a few moments before you decide to challenge his statement. “Oh really? Name one person that has feelings for me. One.” Mike looks down at the floor, suddenly appearing anxious. “I knew it. You just have to say it cause you-” you start to raise your voice, but before you finish your sentence, he states, “Me.”

“What?” You reply, completely shocked. “You heard me,” he asserts. “You?” He nods ashamedly. “Just please...” “Yes?” you ask. “Don’t hate me.” He’s begging you, his eyes pleading for acceptance.

“Hate you? Why would I hate you?” you ask him, puzzled. “I know you don’t like me, but-” “Who said I didn’t?” He freezes, astonished by your answer. “What? But I thought you liked Aaron.” “I do, but...” you admit, hinting at something else. “But?” he presses.

You inhale deeply before continuing, “But I only went after him because I was afraid to go after you.” “Wait what? Go after me? You... like me? But... Why were you afraid?” he asks. “Cause I don’t want to lose you. And even if things worked out and you ended up liking me back and we got together, what if we broke up? Then I would lose you.” Your worries spill out before you’re able to stop them. So much for not seeming like an anxious mess.

“You’ll never lose me,” he smiles softly. You’ve never seen him open up like this. His chocolate brown eyes are sincere as always, but they don’t look nearly as tired; the dark circles under them have almost vanished.

The way he looks at you is killing you. He’s never looked at you like that before. You don’t think you’ve seen him look at anyone like that before except for Abby. He wears a tender expression, one that lights up his face. His kind eyes, his sweet smile. Every single feature of his almost angelic being is brighter, happier. Because of you.

“Mike... You’ve never looked at me like that before.” The way his eyes gaze into yours is making you melt. “I was afraid you wouldn’t want me to, but now I know that’s not true. Is it?” You look down at the floor, embarrassed. He had you there.

“It’s okay, I wasn’t trying to pick on you. I just want to be sure it’s okay to show you how I feel, that’s all.” You smile slightly and nod. “That’s fine. I’d actually rather like that.” you avow.

“Would you now?” he smirks charmingly. “Yeah, I would.” Your eyes are half lidded as you answer flirtateously. He chuckles to himself quietly and takes a few steps toward you. His face glides toward yours, but right before his lips reach your own, he brings his mouth to your ear. He stops and speaks.

“Listen, I know he hurt you, but I swear on my life, I’d never do anything to harm you. Ever. I love you.” He pulls back from your ear and back towards your face. Bringing his fingers under your chin, he tilts it upward so you’re looking right into those big brown eyes of his. And then it happens. He kisses you. Your eyes flutter shut as his lips dance across yours. He gently cups your face in his hands, and as you’re locked in this loving embrace, it’s like time is frozen. Nothing matters right now. Nothing other than Mike and how good his kiss feels.

You feel all of the tension and stress exit your body, and you know now that this is meant to be. This was all supposed to happen. Aaron’s rejection. Mike finding you crying; comforting you. Finally telling you he loves you. It all makes sense now. None of this would be happening if Aaron hadn’t hurt you in the first place. All of this is racing through your head as Mike massages your lips with his own. After a few more seconds, he pulls away.

“I know why it happened.” you mutter. “What?” “I know why he had to hurt me. If he hadn’t, none of this would have happened.” You look up at him, awaiting his answer. “But why couldn’t he have just said no? He didn’t have to be so mean about it.” He’s still a bit upset about what happened to you, not to mention confused, but as he looks back down at you, his expression is soft and soulful. “I don’t know why. All I know that I love you. And now I know that you love me. That’s all I could ever ask for,” you reply lovingly. And then your lips meet once again.

[eirinstiva]

El señor de la noche

Second chapter of Mr. Justice Raffles arrived thanks to my dear Bunny Manders. It's time to get my evening clothes and a bit of alcohol to deal with the antisemitism a piscola.

How we laughed as we turned into Whitehall! I began to feel I had been wrong about Raffles after all, and that enhanced my mirth. Surely this was the old gay rascal, (...) In the London lamplight that he loved so well, under a starry sky of an almost theatrical blue, he looked another man already.

"Gay rascal" is the best description of Raffles I've read so far. This feels like a really good night for Bunny, being gay and forgetting crime.

Nevertheless I could detect a serious side to my companion's mood, especially when he spoke once more of Teddy Garland, and told me that he had cabled to him also before leaving Carlsbad. 

Jealousy??? Maybe~

I followed rather heavily. It was not jealousy, but I did feel rather critical of this mushroom intimacy. So I followed up, feeling that the evening was spoilt for me—and God knows I was right! 

Yeah, jealousy~

He did not advance to grasp Raffles by the hand; there was no answering smile of welcome on the fresh young face which used to remind me of the Phoebus in Guido's Aurora, with its healthy pink and bronze, and its hazel eye like clear amber. 

Ok, not jealousy. Teddy is a very handsome man, just look at L'Aurora by Guido Reni:

Teddy, just like Bunny in The Ides of March is drowning in debts, feeling suicidal and having AJ as their saviours, but this time the one receiving attention is not Bunny, so phrases like "His love for the lad had rung out in his first greeting", "he had never thought of it since mentioning the matter to me at our meal" had a hint of jealousy more than pity. Teddy is an Apollo ready to steal cheques while Bunny is a bit more coward and his moustache weaker than a teenager's. Insecurity is here~

I never heard a man more down upon himself, or confession of error couched in stronger terms; and yet there was something so sincere and ingenuous in his remorse, something that Raffles and I had lost so long ago, that in our hearts I am sure we took his follies more seriously than our own crimes. 

Mmm... did Bunny remember what he wrote on The Ides of March? Maybe he doesn't want to remember...

Raffles was following intently, with that complete concentration which was a signal force in his equipment. His face no longer changed at anything he heard; it was as strenuously attentive as that of any judge upon the bench. Never had I clearer vision of the man he might have been but for the kink in his nature which had made him what he was.

This feels like Watson talking about Holmes!!! Well, Raffles is smart but he uses that brilliant mind for crime, and Bunny is so loyal as Watson but his style of writing is more emotional.

Once more he was a soul in torments of despair and degradation; and yet once more did the absence of the abject in man and manner redeem him from the depths of either. In these moments of reaction he was pitiful, but not contemptible, much less unlovable. Indeed, I could see the qualities that had won the heart of Raffles as I had never seen them before.

Raffles and Bunny are slowly feeling pity for Teddy, and Raffles is ready to help him but not by inviting him to do crimes, but by giving him a place to sleep.

"But you haven't got a bed, Raffles?" "You shall have mine. I hardly ever go to bed—do I, Bunny?" "I've seldom seen you there," said I.

Raffles. Are you a night owl? A vampire? or are you... the lord of the night?

¡EL SEÑOR DE LA NOCHE!

(Old school reggaeton 🕺)

The lord of the night I am half man, half animal~ The lord of the night~You better escape or he's going to kill you~ The lord of the night You shouldn't play with your heart to me, to me~~~

According to Raffles Redux, sonmol was a name invented by Hornung, if it is an opioid it's a bad idea to mix it with alcohol, but Raffles is clearly thinking in their next steps. it's time to wait for the next chapter.

[weareuniqueandimportant]

WRONG RESPONSE BIGOT... HURTFULL... OFCOURSE THEY WOULD WEAPONIZE AGEPHOBIA...

However... I Can Tell What An Abuser We're Dealing With...

In That Aspect... That Was The Right Response...

I Should Feel Happy But Ugh I Don't Really... I Did... Horrible Things To Get Here... Ofcourse They Would Dehumanize Us...

What A Bigot...

Deserving Of Every Single Bad Thing...

This Feeling... WOW. WHAT A WAY TO GASSLIGHT. UGH... GRRRRR........!!!!!!!!!!

But... I Don't Feel What They Attempt Anymore... Infact What I Said Holds How Agephobia Works... How There Is No Difference... Ofcourse They Would Blame... Illness... Afterall... They Could NEVER BE WRONG... IN ANY WAY...

I NEED TO SAY AT THEIR FACE... I LOVE PARAPHILIA SEX SO THEY CAN SAY EWW YOU'RE GROSSSSS!!!! GET HELP ASSHOLE!!!!

I Saw This Coming... Differently However... I Was Right That's All... Sanist Superiority. By Transphobic Paraphobic Bigot. Simple As That. There Is No Episode. That Is Them That Hurt Us. Them. Them. There Is No Difference... Racist 6 Year Old And Racist 60 Year Old Are As Hurtfull... If Being 10 Makes You Free Anything You Do Why Does Everyone Wish Ill On Chris Chan Who's Brain Is That Of A 10 Year Olds...? This Isn't About Age. That's Why. Paraphobia...

I See People On This Site Say They're Eternal And Their Age Doesn't Match Their Body Or Is Frozen In Time. Age Is Only A Social Construct. Abuser Bigot However Talk Like There's Rules. And "Legal" Age Is All This Is About. Despite Depression Aging Your Brain. And People Like Chris Chan Having Smaller Ones That Doesn't Matter Anymore. That's All. These People Murder Paraphilia People Adults And Children. They Wish To Control Everyone. They Love Eugenics And Conversion Therapy As Long As That's On Crazy And Paraphilia. A Sub Class Compared To The Others. Justifying Prison Showcasing You Mustn't Be Bigoted In Any Way Or You Believe Prison A Fascist Facility Of Slavery And Painfullness Is Justified.

Especially When The Love Between 2 Paraphilia People Nullifies Absolutely Everything. Aswell As Those That Always Loved Paraphilia Fun When Young Like Myself.

Their Brains Can't Handle That This Is Possible.

That's All.

And They Think We're Bad Or Something.

Laughable... Hilarious... Ridiculous... I'M... BREAKING APART... THIS IS INSANITY!!!!

I Wish I Could've Had More Paraphilia Fun. I Haven't Been A Full Person Since. This Was Supposed To Be My Life. Now I Am Ugly And Unlovable. No Longer Cute And Sexy.

You Don't Know... The Things That Have Happened To Us The Things We Have Been Trough... Nobody Will Ever Understand...

They Don't Want To Help You... They Wish To Put You Back To Studying And Murder Your Paraphilia Interest.

I Can't Be Saved Anymore... This Body Was Always... Too Much...

They Say That... But They Despise Paraphilia People... They Don't Truly Love Sexuality... They're All Fake See? That's Why Feel Weird When Anyone... DARES TO BE SEXUAL AGAINST MY CONSENT ON THIS SITE... WHILE SAYING OPPOSING IDEOLOGICAL EVIL... THEY. DON'T. CARE. MOST OF THEM HAVE LITTLIES IN THEIR DNI. THEY. DON'T. CARE.

[ina-nis]

Hmm... I guess the perceptions of feeling myself as unwanted and unlovable - while knowing with certainty they're untrue - are probably other of the many symptoms I'll likely have to deal with for the rest of my life, huh?

I can't quite pinpoint where they come from. I don't really know if it would make any difference? Oh, maybe it's the Complex PTSD, even obsessively ruminating from OCD, or AvPD's rejection sensitivity and inferiority complex. It could be all that, too.

I've been trying to get around my head how is it possible to have a good self-esteem and still feel that way (since, supposedly, your self-esteem will make things like that improve).

My reaction (after the fact) has improved, a lot.

I still get these feelings triggered. They still cause bad meltdowns. It doesn't last for days anymore, thankfully.

I'm able to get back up almost right away because I know they're untrue, because I know my worth, because I know it's not about me or not about anything I'm doing wrongly, etc... it just is.

I'm not unlovable, or unwanted, or uninteresting and I know how special and unique I am - me and each other person, too. Everyone is important simply because they exist.

Dealing with people triggers those feelings all the time.

Even though I've been trying my hardest to just not take it personally, to start seeing it more casually and not looking into things too deeply, I find it extremely difficult... if not, straight up impossible...! And I can, at least, understand why.

Complex trauma rewires the brain.

I'm sure most my disorders originated from it.

Considering it's (still) an ongoing issue, considering I've been mostly unable to tilt the scales for long enough, with good enough experiences... it just keeps on digging deeper and deeper in my skin.

So... ultimately, it doesn't really matter how much I love myself and tell myself how wonderful I am when that doesn't translates into real life experiences outside of myself.

My individual, personal experiences with myself are but that: individual and personal experiences starting on me towards me. There are environmental and social factors and influence, too, obviously, but this is something I mostly go through in the solitude of my own mind.

This is, I think, where AvPD thrives a lot...

Good luck getting out of your head once you get to that point... the alienation and disconnection will only get worse and worse as that goes one - I know it did for me, I eventually stopped caring because it was just too exhausting and dissociation-inducing to care I guess.

Ironically... here I am! My self-esteem has never been this good, I have never liked myself more (and never been happier with my life overall) and yet... I can't shake off these feelings. I can't help but feel unwanted and unlovable with every rejection, perceived or not; I can't help feeling unimportant and disposable even though I know my worth; and so on...

Even when I do understand where these feelings come from - and it's so frustrating that I do! - even when I understand that taking a more casual and not-letting-it-get-to-me approach would be the way to go, even when I understand this is natural and part of social relationships, even when I understand most connection are not what I'm looking for (so I need to keep on looking anyway!)... even when I know all these things, I can't really help my feelings.

I can't wish them away, I can't pretend it doesn't hurt and even if I try to reframe it or look on the bright side, see it as a lesson, etc, it doesn't really address the pain, it doesn't really make the hurt go away - oh goodness, do I even want to "reframe" these things? No! It sucks, it hurts, it feels awful.

The pain is made so much worse because I know how lovable I am.

The pain is made so much worse exactly because I know my worth.

But yes, most people don't really care? And that's fine. Most people don't really see all that in you either, which is also fine. I can understand that too.

Where are the people who will love me in the way I need to be loved?

Where are the ones who will actually want me? Who will choose me?

Where's that someone who will think I'm invaluable, so important they won't want to lose?

I already know I am that person for myself, that doesn't change my predicament because it doesn't address this emotional loneliness that withers me.

[the-raging-tempest]

👾 for zrise please!!

Hey Romeo!! I’m not really sure how I do these but here we go! These are so hard to choose from but! I went for Death Is In The Air by SAKIMA

Overall this song to me for Zrise is about death. His own and others. Death is always around him. Follows him. It’s also about losing yourself. To your emotions. To your ambitions. Your justifications.

__

Is my heart breaking

Or do I have one at all

Am I feeling or faking

I don’t know anymore

Zrise wants to believe he’s a very heartless careless and callous person. Kind of in a self protective way. Because if he doesn’t have a soul, heart, etc then he can excuse what he does. He often feels he’s bad at living. Bad at being a person. Does he even care about the things he tells himself he cares about? Most of the time no. Most of the time what he truly cares for he tries to hide deep. Makes excuses. What he wants he can’t admit to himself.

What’s in the back of my head?

It’s just like white noise

Or a demon under his breath

Telling me it’s time to dance with death

Some nights I’m possessed

Anger, bitterness, resentment, sadness, a lot of emotions get the better of him and he feels he has little control of ‘acting out’. He’s always getting in trouble for pushing the wrong boundaries. Obviously some of these result in violence. In ways he regrets. Often for various different reasons. But he hates his emotions. He feels ‘possessed’ by them. Unable to let them go.

No I never

See it coming

Till it holds me down like an anchor

No I never

Hear the drumming

Till I’m too far into the rapture

Much of this is the same as above with the added. It isn’t until the repercussions hit him in irreversible ways do they register. Also to me this evokes the drowning.

I wish I could be brave

This line does a lot for me for his character that is hard to put into words. He often pretends he’s brave. Often looks down on cowards. But he himself IS one. He hates it about himself. He’s ultimately afraid to die, afraid to be alone, afraid to be unloved. He only gathers the courage to do the things he does because he believes he must to get what he wants. He wishes he could stand up for himself. Wishes he could actually practice what he preaches. No matter the consequences.

Do it or don’t I never know so I

Keep dancing on a pipe dream

Keep laughing when I wanna scream

He’s actually never clear of what he’s doing is helping him get closer to what he wants. Part of him knows no matter what he does he’s kind of fucked. Finding a cure is a pipe dream. Because even if he gets it likely it won’t solve all his problems. But it’s what he has to do. The last line is very him in his trickster mindset. He tries to find some twisted sense of joy in his misery.

I feel the ache of the waiting

I feel the tar in my lungs

For every debt that I’m paying

I’m no further along

This also calls back to the drowning for me. The ache of waiting for his mother to return and comfort him. Which never comes. The tar of the water and congealed blood in his lungs. For everything he does to try and prove himself to his mother he feels just as trapped. Just as unloved.

What if I give up the ghost

And just become one myself

What if he just stops fighting? Stops trying to survive? What if he just died instead? Would that be better?

Dunno why I’m holding my breath

‘Cause they all let me down in the end

And I just forgive them

Has to do with most people he grows close to. Most of the people he learns to trust and love end up betraying him. Just as he does to others. Because that’s the only kind of relationship he knows. He forgives them in the sense that he just allows it all to happen again.

No I never

See it coming

Till I lose myself to the anger

No I never

See it coming

Till The crying turns into laughter

I wish I could be brave

Much the same as similar lyrics as before. But instead we end on a more sinister note. Acknowledging the anger and how he leans into this vindictiveness. Where when others hurt him he wants to laugh. Loose himself and hurt them in return.

[television-pil0t]

The most serious I’ve ever been with myself.

I remember as a kid I would stay up at night crying. I would cry for hours. Seriously! Hours watching Dan and Phil. Reading fanfic about gamzee x reader. I’d cry because I do deeply craved someone to talk to me like that. Someone to look at me like Dan and Phil look at each other. I was stuck in my house 24/7. Talking to people online to fill the void of nothingness. Nobody lived near me. I was to scared to talk in school. When I did I was instantly sexualized. I hated how I was seen. I would go home and curl up in my bed under the covers and just.. read. “He held you close, holding you in his arms, rubbing your shoulders softly as his big soft hands held your head in his chest. For just a split second you felt safe. As if you never felt fear before. Your childlike naivety came back. You were ok here. You were safe here.” I so deeply needed that. I needed a fucking hug. I needed someone to love me so I looked everywhere for it. Sexualized myself because I knew that’s all I was see as. I mean shit I would get groped in the damn hallways of 8th fucking grade. I knew. I wasn’t dumb. I had everyone looking at me. Years go by. Same shit. I found x reader audios and would cry to hawks holding me at night. I promised myself “this is what I’ll do for someone else” I would be someone’s comfort audio. No matter what.

I never got my own irl comfort audio. I’m scared to speak and still I never talk about what’s on my mind. I put it here. Just hope to god nobody I know finds it. I never got to feel safe. I still want to be held and whispered to. I wanna be babied. I wanna be carried and told what to do next. I know im bad at making decisions for myself. The smallest acts of kindness impress me and so I can never move on. Im scared it will go away. Im scared to be alone. Im scared of being that unloved again. I don’t have much intimacy now but.. at least it’s a little. If I squint my eyes I can stop the tears when I feel unwanted and I can hold my breath when I wanna ask for more. I know I just wanna be loved more. When my bf is in his little 3 day moods to kiss on me and tell me how much he loves me randomly. Randomly asks me for things. I feel my heart ache. I know that’s all I want. I feel like he knows it too because he’s fully capable of doing it. It hurts. I’m hurt. I wanna be loved. Yet I feel like I don’t deserve it. I feel like I’m not even yet the same breath I don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t love me. I’m amazing. I know how I wanna be treated and so I do that.

I would lay there late at night and hold my breath to make myself pass out so I could finally sleep. I was lonely. All alone. Now I’m just lonely. Some days are better than others but.. only when people FEEL like giving me the love and attention. I need constancy. Im scared I’ll never be able to trust anyone when they say they love me anymore. Im scared I’ll be venting on here forever because I have nobody to vent to irl. I don’t wanna be judged. I don’t want “Why am I not good enough” I wanna he heard and understood. I want someone to hear me out. I know how to loved I don’t know how to keep it.

I want to be constantly loved. Not “I wanna fuck you” I don’t care if you want my body. Tell me what you like about me. I don’t understand myself. I don’t see how anyone likes me. I’m sad.

I want to know. I hate crying myself to sleep but I should be used to it. My heart is restless. “Heal your inner child” god I’m trying I just need someone else to help me. Constantly help me. I can’t keep song on and off shit. I can’t do it. I can’t live like.. this. not just this post. All of this. Every day is scary. Even when I am being loved because I’m so scared it will be taken away form me without explanation. I can’t keep going like this.

I need someone. I need someone so bad it hurts. I need someone more than I ever have.