#but here I am ending up like the rest of them- helpless and unable to do jackshit about the situation. I cant say or do anything at all!

[sunlit-mess]

consumed by the inevitable

[deathblacksmoke]

if not for you

pairing: matt dierkes x reader

word count: 1K

cw: emotional hurt/comfort, sweet bb matty

author’s note: needed some more matty on my masterlist, so my beloveds @darksigns-exe and @circle-with-me gave me some ideas <3

divider by @saradika-graphics 💛

title from “if not for you” by bob dylan.

It has yet to fully set in that he’s here with you, with no permanent end in sight. You’ve grown so accustomed to missing him, to making do with quick video chats and phone calls. The steady beat of his heart beneath your head feels fake. Like a fantasy.

You toy with the string of his hoodie, his favorite that he leaves with you when he’s gone. It’ll go back to being yours eventually, but you push the thought away, choosing to think about it another time. You hear him snicker from above you, his hand placed gently between your shoulder blades, patterns delicately traced over your back. You gaze at him and it’s like the first glance every time, being met with his bright, beautiful smile.

“What are you thinking about, honey?” he asks you, his touch shifting up to place his palm to your cheek. You close your eyes to the bliss of the feeling, his warmth radiating through you, before your expression settles into a pout. He tuts at you before his fingers hook beneath your jaw, angling your face up so he can get a look at you. “What’s on your mind?”

“How much I’m gonna miss you when you leave,” you whine, hating the way you sound while being unable to stop yourself. His mouth sets into a frown, too, and it tugs at your heartstrings painfully.

“Where am I going?” he teases, and you’d normally find it funny, but you’ve dug your heels into being sad. You don’t have any way to back out.

You normally tag along with them for the shorter stretches of shows, take time off from work to spend a couple days with Matt and the guys. He comes back home with you at the end of it all and everything is fine, nothing hurts.

It’s never too long after that before he’s gone so long that his scent is gone from the sheets and from his hoodie, so long that Boo and Zeus no longer stare out the front door pitifully waiting for him to come home. You know it isn’t fair, to make him feel guilty, but an ache sets itself so deep in your chest that you can’t help it.

“Wherever the next tour takes you,” you say, whimpering a little pathetically before burying your face in his chest again. The hand he keeps steady on your cheek does very little to soothe you, not in the way that it normally would. “It gets longer each time. You go further away.”

He sits up when he senses your body beginning to shake, the start of some embarrassing waterworks that you’re helpless to prevent. He gathers you into his arms, wrapping you up tight in his hold. You feel yourself begin to settle, though you’re not quite lulled. A delicate, barely there kiss is placed to your forehead, another to your temple. He wipes away the tracks the tears have left on your cheeks and you allow yourself a deep breath in, and then another.

“You’ve got a while yet before you have to worry about any of that, honey,” he assures you, and you know it, but it doesn’t stop you. It never has, even as foolish and silly as it makes you feel, wasting precious time being sad when he’s right here with you. “I’m right here.”

You place your hand over his where it rests on your cheek and let yourself sink into that feeling. He’s here, he’s right here, and he’s staying for a while. He’s solid beneath you, tangible, warm, and real, and for once you know he’s sticking around. You do your best to chase away that fear that he’ll vanish into thin air, be ripped out from under you like countless times before.

“For how long this time, Matty?” you ask him. He rolls his eyes but he drags you closer still. You’re lightening up but your heels are still dug. 

“For so long you’ll be begging me to leave by the time I go,” he jokes, knowing you’ll be clingy and asking for one more kiss until the moment you part with him at airport security. “You’ll be so sick of me.”

You beg time to pass slowly, for time to stop and for it to be you and him for just a little while. You bring his lips to yours, kiss him slowly and commit it to memory, the way it feels to have him solid beneath you and soft in front of you, the way his big hand feels where it’s warm on the small of your back.

“I could never be sick of you,” you assure him. You know he knows it, that he was saying it in jest. Nonetheless, you need it to be said. You need to make sure he’s always told how much he means. The moments you briefly imagine your life without him cast a black and grey over everything — life turns dark. You only wish he could be around all the time. “I would be lost. So lost.”

“I know, baby. I’m right here. Don’t worry now.” 

You wish you hadn’t turned your peaceful afternoon nap into something sad, something dramatic and agonizing. You allow yourself to relax, take your final deep breath and bring your hand to his jaw, kissing him deeply. You need to keep yourself firmly planted in this moment, in every moment you have with him until he leaves you again. 

His skin is warm beneath your palm, his eyes solely focused on you. He smiles, knowing it’s what you need from him. You allow yourself to settle.

“Maybe I can finally convince you to come with us next time,” he adds. It’s an offer he always makes, every last tour. You always turn him down as quickly as he asks. You’ll let him have his thing.

The offer sits in the back of your mind. Maybe you could go remote at work. Maybe you could quit. You wouldn’t have to say goodbye to him anymore. For the first time, you let yourself really consider it.

“Maybe, Matty,” you respond. His grin and the way his hold tightens slightly on your hips makes up your mind.

taglist: @circle-with-me @darksigns-exe @ladyveronikawrites @baddestomens @sitkowski

@somebodyels3 @broken0mens @collapsedglasshouses @cookiesupplier @abiomens

@monotoniscreaming @bngurngheart @agravemisstake @iknownothingpeople @anameunmusical

@itsafullmoon @somewhere-diamond @lma1986 @spicywhenspeaking @fadingangelwisp

@cncohshit

[smolwritingchick]

I'm Here

Summary: Jennie comforts Jungkook when he nearly faints from exhaustion during the Wings Tour. This will take place during Burn The Stage

Author's Note: I have been thinking of Burn The Stage when Jungkook overwhelmed himself on stage. Perhaps a private moment between JenKook filmed while they weren't aware and when it makes it on the show it could be a viral JenKook moment and show fans that their love and care for each other is undeniable. Brainstorming like usual.

Some smol angst but ends fluffy. And like always for this, the commentary/interview parts of the show are in parenthesis

-----

Jennie (Shit…it was so hard to keep my emotions in check on stage when my boyfriend nearly fainted from exhaustion. When I tell you I was losing it and tried my hardest to finish the concert…I…that night was rough for me. I'm just a kid you know and being in this group has been so fun and rewarding. Touring has been a blast but seeing my loved ones in that state during this fun time…I just felt so helpless when I saw him like that…all I wanted to do was remain by his side.)

Hearing the news that Jungkook collapsed caused the breath to be knocked out of Jennie's lungs as her heart rate quickened. As soon as the show was over and he was on the floor backstage while the staff cooled him down, everyone rushed to get an update on his condition.

When the staff heard Jungkook murmur Jennie's name, they announced that he was asking for her and she immediately ran past everyone to be by his side.

She was scared as she watched the staff assist him and fan him down. She had never seen him in this state before and began to feel overwhelmed.

"Hey…hey…I'm here. I'm here," she said in a soothing voice as her chest tightened.

Hearing her voice caused Jungkook to smile with his eyes still closed. The way he immediately began to feel at ease as he was getting cooled down was a good sign as the members observed the way he reacted to her.

Jimin smiled softly as he watched Jungkook squeeze her hand lightly when she grabbed it for a moment. That was another good sign that he was going to be ok.

Jungkook (I didn't know I'd collapse like that. It's the first time that happened to me. I was very flustered. But all I wanted was to hear my girlfriend's voice. Hearing her talk to me gave me comfort as I was recovering)

Jimin (Jennie truly loves Jungkook. She always does her best to take care of him. That night she was really worried.)

J-Hope (She stayed by his side the entire time until he was able to get back on his feet.)

Once he was cooled down, Jungkook continued to rest while Jennie was alone with him in the room while a camera filmed them from afar while they weren't aware. She sat on the floor by his side as she watched him.

Unable to hold it in, she began crying. "Kook…" she called out in a shaky voice.

She caressed his face as he leaned into her touch, enjoying the coolness of her hand with his eyes closed.

"Did I worry you?" he asked tiredly. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't be. It's okay. What matters is that you're okay. Just please…please just slow down. ARMY will appreciate everything you do on the stage. No matter what. I just want you to be all right and not overexert yourself like this,"

"I'll take it more easy,"

"Glad to hear,"

"I could really use your cookies, right now," he sighed as he rested.

She suddenly laughed and sniffed. "I bet my cookies would give you those bonus health points, huh? The fact that you're thinking of my baking at a time like this,"

He chuckled lightly at her reply.

"I will bake you whatever you want," she added. "Just rest up and stay hydrated first, okay? I love you…so much…I just want you to be OK,"

"I love you, too. I am now with you by my side,"

She leaned down to kiss him softly, keeping her lips against his for a moment before pulling away.

"Can you keep talking to me? Talk about smarties or Marvel. I just want to keep hearing your voice. It's comforting,"

She chuckled softly and nodded as she started to ramble, fulfilling his request. "I'm really enjoying sour smarties. They're pretty good. And I just found out there's chocolate smarties. Apparently from the UK,"

[blood-choke]

hiiii… i wanted to ask more about this particular val scene where mc and her talk about that portrait and mc is a bit stuck on the word husband and wants val to know theyre not a man. can i ask what inspired that type of convo? i wanted to know if it’s something you’ll touch up on again? is this underlying feelings mc had before their entombment… worried that val sees them as a man just because mc is masc? cause i know that’s kind of broader discussion in the lesbian community iirc….. was that why you wanted to incorporate it? this ask has so many questions LOL but basically i wanted to say i was intrigued and it did made me think more on those type of dynamics (thinking back to those resources you rb’d a while ago that go more into depth about diff things in the lesbian community)

oh boy get ready for another long-winded answer from me!

a lot of the feelings mc has about their gender are inspired by Leslie Feinberg's work (mainly Stone Butch Blues)

Feinberg was someone who lived & passed as a man for years of hir life, and wrote a lot about the complexities of hir gender and what it was like being a "gender outlaw."

there was actually a scene in particular from sbb that kinda put the kernel of an idea in my mind that led to this narrative of the mc feeling overshadowed by Standard and anxious about being perceived as a man. it's towards the end of the book when Jess (sbb's protagonist) meets Ruth (a trans woman that Jess falls in love with)

Jess offers to help Ruth carry groceries up to her apartment, and Ruth takes this the wrong way & is offended, partly because she thinks Jess is a man.

One Saturday afternoon I found her clutching two huge bags of groceries and fumbling with the downstairs front-door lock. I pulled out my key.

“Here, let me.” She didn’t say thank you. She hurried ahead of me on the stairs.

“Can I help you carry those?” I offered.

“Do I look weak to you?” she asked.

I stopped on the stairs. “No. Where I come from it’s just a sign of respect, that’s all.”

She continued up the stairs. “Well, where I come from,” she called out, “men don’t reward women for pretending to be helpless.” Once I heard her apartment door close I kicked the stair in anger and frustration.

later, after they get to know each other better, they have this interaction:

I laughed and picked at my salad. “Do you know if I’m a man or a woman?”

“No,” Ruth said. “That’s why I know so much about you.”

I sighed. “Did you think I was a man when you first met me?" She nodded. "Yes. At first I thought you were a straight man. Then I thought you were gay. It’s been a shock for me to realize that even I make assumptions about sex and gender that aren’t true. I thought I was liberated from all of that.”

I smiled. “I didn’t want you to think I was a man. I wanted you to see how much more complicated I am. I wanted you to like what you saw.”

i think the inspiration here is quite obvious, hahaha. i figure anyone that's read sbb can sense the similar through-line here in my work. though the conversation between mc and Valentina has a much different tone.

there's another scene later as well after something happens to Jess and she has to have her jaw wired shut. she's working at a new job and is unable to speak, and she's also passing as a man at this job. she overhears some of her female coworkers talking about her and they refer to her as a "creep" and speculate that she's always watching one of them. Jess overhears all of this and then walks out of the job, goes home and pulls the wires out of her mouth herself:

After I was sure I’d gotten the last piece of wire out of my gums, I rinsed my mouth with whiskey and then drank the rest of it so I could sleep without remembering how Marija’s words had stripped me of my humanity.

butches & gnc women still face this kind of dehumanization; compared or likened to men in a derogatory way, accused of being "heteropatriarchal," the predatory stereotype of the fat ugly lesbian, and on the other side they're also hypersexualized, especially online and in queer spaces. butchphobia is a specific kind of misogyny that hits from all sides, even from the people that are supposed to be a part of your community. and this attitude especially effects trans women and women of color, who are already experiencing all of these things due to transmisogyny and racism.

i also really wanted to use this to touch on the kind of gender essentialism that we see in a lot of these cis feminist discussions - to these women at this job, Jess had committed no real crime other than being quiet and being the “wrong” kind of man. something about this scene has always stuck with me and really bothered me, but it's hard to put into words; on one hand i can admit i have probably been one of those women who made some kind of similar remark about a man i barely knew, but i've also been someone on the receiving end, too, because of the way i look. the mc in blood choke is put into this box, but they can't fit in, as someone who has been on both sides and doesn't really understand where they belong because of it; how can she stand beside Valentina or Hana or Clear when they might see her as a perpetrator, someone who can't be trusted? how does this mindset harm both the women and the men of the council and everyone in between? how can we break this cycle?

one of the films i mentioned recently when talking about the character designs was The Same Difference, which is specifically about the Black lesbian community and the discrimination within that community based upon gender roles (though this is not something limited to just the Black lesbian community)

a lot of the women in that doc talk about the boxes they're put in as AG or stud lesbians - they can't have their hair long, they can't wear makeup, they can't do this or that, they have to be aggressive and hard or else they're not real studs. they discuss stud on stud (or butch4butch) and how other lesbians look down on those types of lesbians, as well as the disdain for bisexual women for "betraying" the community. it explores the way misogyny and the patriarchy still oppress these women and forces them into this restrictive gender role despite their refusal to adhere to the other role originally assigned to them, and the way racism specifically intersects and exacerbates it for Black lesbians. there's a stud that's an exotic dancer and wears a weave, and a lot of other studs have a problem with this because a weave is "a female thing." another section follows a pregnant stud, and how the community shuns her for that, because she "dresses like a man and acts like a man" so why is she getting pregnant when she should be "the man"?

mc doesn't remember how they felt before entombment, but waking up they feel this need to prove themselves - both in that they are hard and aggressive like a butch should be, but also in that they want to be this person for Valentina or Clear or Hana (or all of them) that is safe and comforting. but they aren't sure how to do that when the world perceives them as this one specific thing - as a husband, as Standard, as a man, specifically this man who hurt Valentina.

of course we've already seen this to not be true of the companions with the last chapter as the mc learns more and spends more time with everyone. but this is kind of the foundation of where this whole idea came from. it started with my novel & i chose vampires for that story & this one because there is a long history of lesbian vampirism (and also because it's sexy) but there's this "curse" that both Hana & Valerie talk about in their respective stories, the first one being the racism she's had to face, the transphobia, along with this alienation and perception of lesbians as predatory and conniving and aggressive, as vampires, which i just think really lends itself to expanding upon these issues lesbians & trans women face both in general and within the community.

anyways if you want to read more i suggest Stone Butch Blues, which you can get for free on Leslie Feinberg's website, as well as S/he, by Minnie Bruce Pratt, available on the internet archive, Gender Failure by Ivan E. Coyote & Rae Spoon also on the internet archive, and you can rent The Same Difference for $10 on vimeo.

[iisasarcasticlittleshite]

Hello~!

So sorry if this has happened to have been asked or is something you don't do but here's a idea?

A male mc(maybe ftm? your choice) who constantly steals- I totally mean borrows Belphie's hoodies :)

-⭐️

Thank you so much for the idea! This ended up being pretty flirty and sweet, I'm pretty happy with it! I always love to see asks in my inbox, gives me a reason to write more and a little more direction than my chaos brain has on its own!

You hurriedly stifled your giggles when you heard footsteps coming towards your room, snuffing the lights and throwing yourself under the covers, snuggling down to make it look like you'd been asleep far too long to disturb.

With your eyes resting shut, you focused on making each breath deepen, mimicking sleep as those steps came closer and closer.

You knew who was coming, and the anticipation made goosebumps rise over your skin as you waited to hear your door slowly creak open.

You heard the click as he closed it behind him, listened to the slight shift in his breath as he sighed his exasperation.

You felt the burn of his eyes as the mattress dipped on either side of your head, the smell of incense and cool night air drifting down to you as you strained to keep still, keep breathing deep. A defenceless human, sound asleep.

His breath fanned the sensitive skin of your neck, ghosting the shell of your ear so softly it made you want to scream for more.

His lips followed, achingly slow as they dipped to the sensitive skin of your neck, pressing the softest kiss to the place just beneath your ear, so sweet you couldn't help but shiver.

Then, the bastard bit you.

You squealed when you felt the sudden nip of the demon's teeth, thrashing onto your back to fight off the assault, but there was nowhere for you to go, Belphie has you caged between his arms, legs tangling with yours between the sheets. The second you lay flat, he presses his chest down onto yours, pinning you down.

"G-off!" You grunted, hands pressed to his shoulders, pushing half-heartedly, unable to fight your smile. "What kind of a wakeup call is that, huh?!"

"The kind that thieves deserve, menace." The demon purred, knowing full well you aren't really trying to go anywhere.

"I am not a thief! I am a compulsive borrower!"

The youngest chuckled, long fingers tugging pointedly at your sleeve, or rather, his sleeve. The sleeve of his favourite hoodie, which you had absolutely pinched off the laundry pile this morning before school and changed into after you got home.

"Is that what you call it, mister?" He drawled playfully, smirking as you wiggled feebly, faking helplessness.

"Well I'm sure others have a more technical term." You mused cryptically. "I was gonna give it back!"

"The hell you were, liar. Why steal my hoodies anyway? You've got your own."

"Cause it pisses you off, and you're sexy when you're brooding." Your grin was shameless as you winked up at him, and Belphie groaned, dropping his head to nuzzle into your neck. You made a point of flinching away slightly. "Don't you dare bite me again, asshole."

"Funny, that's not what you said the other night." His lips are grinning against your skin, nipping playfully as if to remind you of the marks those lips have left...elsewhere.

You huffed, finally shoving him up like you mean it, planting him on his back as you rolled on top of him, effectively tangling both your legs in the sheets and leaving you straddling him.

"You're not making a very good case for getting this hoodie back, demon."

Belphie's cheeks flushed pink, silently taking in the way you fill out his clothes so differently than he does. He's suddenly not too sure he wants the hoodie back, but to be fair, he always hesitates before taking his clothes away from you.

The only reason he still does it, is because he knows you'll just steal them back.

He gazes up at you lazily, admiring the cut of your jaw, the way your lips curl when you smile, like you know you're the hottest guy in the room.

"I guess I'll have to think of a way to get you out of clothes, huh MC?"

[homoerotic-shonen-rival-showdown]

Round One Match Sixteen: Yusuke Urameshi and Kazuma Kuwabara (Yu Yu Hakusho) vs Gojo and Geto (Jujutsu Kaisen)

why should you vote for them?

Yusuke Urameshi and Kazuma Kuwabara (4):

OH MY GOODNESS Kuwabara is SO whipped for Yusuke like im not kidding. he constantly is trying to beat Yusuke in strength, but most of all he seems to want his acknowledgement and attention. we see Kuwabara actually GRINNING with JOY when Yusuke remembers his name for the first time. theyre constantly at each others throats, but trust each other with their life more than anyone else. crazy kids!!!

There are a number of times where they each almost die or actually die and the other has a full breakdown about how the other's not allowed to die because then who would they beat up? The first time this happens is at the very beginning of the series before anything even happens and they're supposedly just normal middle school punks. They say they hate each other but they very clearly don't. Gay af

they start off as rivals and then go to teammates, but also in a "I will still win over you" way, and in a "no one can kick his ass but me" way, and they should kiss about it

Gojo and Geto (3):

uh...divorced. i love them

STSG ESSAY TIME >:)))))) Warning for Jujutsu Kaisen anime/manga spoilers ahead! I had to explain deep dark depths of the story to prove that they deserve to win the crown. Here I go. Gojo Satoru and Geto Suguru (also known as Satosugu or simply stsg) deserve to win the crown for the following reasons. Please bear with me throughout this whole essay because I am unequivocally insane about them. First of all let's get into the rivalry side of things.

In high school, Gojo was an absolute menace. The first time Gojo and Geto met, the latter hated the former because he was annoying, rude, and arrogant. Now eventually they became best friends, but you see, their rivalry returned when Geto was exiled from the school because they had a stark disagreement in moral ideologies, which resulted in a dramatic breakup in front of a KFC (yes, this is actually canon). Gojo was supposed to execute Geto because he did some Bad Things (that we don't need to get into right now) but as Geto walked away he said (paraphrased) "Go ahead and kill me. There's meaning to that." And My Lord is that a line. So for the next ten years of their lives, these two were separated, now on opposite sides, now each others' enemies. Eventually this came to a climax when Geto declared war on Gojo, but before we get to that, let's pause for a second, and talk about the meaning behind this all. I'll try to make this part quick because without restraint this would become excessively long. So technically, Gojo and Geto's breakup directly caused the plot of Jujutsu Kaisen to unfold. If they hadn't broken up, then Geto wouldn't have declared war and then died. If they hadn't broken up, Geto's body wouldn't have been possessed; his body wouldn't have, completely against his will, trapped Gojo in a prison, as Geto sat back helpless, unable to do anything to stop his best friend from being sealed *by his own hands*. Every single other tragic event that happened in Jujutsu Kaisen would not have happened, because, assuming you have never watched/read Jujutsu Kaisen, no, Gojo and Geto are not the main characters, and the whole rest of the cast was affected by this event. Yes, this homoerotic rivalry breakup is the very Big Bang for Jujutsu Kaisen, because if it didn't happen, Jujutsu Kaisen wouldn't have the incredible plot that it has. Butterfly Effect at its finest. Anyway, now that their rivalry is out of the way, I will now get into their homoeroticism.

My first piece of evidence for their homoeroticism is that... it's in the name. Both of their first names start with "s" and end with "ru". Both of their last names start with "g" and end with "o". And both of their full names have the same amount of syllables. There is no possible way that this wasn't done on purpose to get the point across that they are literal soulmates. Do I sound insane yet? In addition, Gojo called Geto, and I quote, "my one and only". Now if that isn't some fruit ass shit then idk what is. And now the most damning evidence of homoness, comes when Geto died by Gojo's side. This was after the war that Geto declared on Gojo, and Geto ended up on the losing side. Even though they had been rivals for ten long years, they still had an important and heartfelt history together, so as Gojo walked over to his dying best friend, Geto smiled, glad to see not only an old friend, but the most important person in his life, for the last time. Gojo's last words to Geto as he died were NEVER REVEALED. Only very very few producers of the anime know the words. They will be released soon but for now we don't know. But it was confirmed that his last words were THREE WORDS. Now I don't wanna put any words in Gojo's mouth but the most obvious theory here is that he said "I love you" as his best friend and rival of 10+ years died by his side. This is even further affirmed when, after hearing those three words, Geto BLUSHED, SMILED (as he was in the process of bleeding out!) and described the words as (paraphrased) "embarrassing words that they had never said to each other before". IT'S BARELY SUBTEXT AT THIS POINT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THEY'RE GAY AS HELL!

Now before this gets any longer I will cut myself off here. Thank you for coming to my way-too-long Ted Talk about these stupid ass anime men who have been plaguing my mind for months, I hope you take my submission into consideration! I don't expect them to win but I'm just happy I get to aggressively type an essay about them in this google form :D

[mylovecardan]

Promise Me? (A small Jurdan fic<3)

A/N: This is the second part of this story and you'll need to read the first part before this one if you haven't already @shadowqueen25 hope you like this one toooo. ( If you don't then it's totally fine don't hesitate to comment it and I'll make sure to improve it in future <3)

Part II

Jude's p.o.v

I can't believe this is happening again.

They kidnapped me, once again. But this time around, It's worse. They know I can't be glamoured, know how I tricked them into believing otherwise the first time. And they are furious.

I feel a terrible pain in my ribs as she punches me hard. ''Oops! did it hurt?'' Nicasia asks mockingly and I just glare at her, trying my best not to show any signs of pain on my face. It's proving to be harder as the time passes.

Here, in Undersea, I'm completely helpless just like before. But with no way out this time. I'm gonna die here alone. So close to home, yet so far away. Not even Cardan can do anything this time, because he has no clue I'm here. I bite my tongue to stop myself from crying out in pain. I don't wanna die like this. I don't wanna die at all. Not here, so far away from him.

Nicasia's face is now inches from me, her one hand gripping my hair, the other pressing my dagger against my neck. She starts dragging it slowly causing me to let out a scream. She laughed maniacally as I finally broke and pressed it harder.

''Don't worry little mortal, we're not gonna kill you so fast. You deserve to suffer for everything that you've done. And this is just the beginning. We're gonna have so much fun together'' A horrible but somewhat familiar voice says from my right. I turn my head slightly to see who spoke, and my eyes widen in surprise and terror.

No. This can't be. He's dead. I know because I killed him.

Valerian looks even more terrifying than I remember. His eyes are sunken, his skin rotting in places. Our eyes meet and he snarls at me.

''You really thought all your days of glory were gonna last? Stupid mortal. Thinking she can be anything other than worthless. You might've fooled that stupid high king, but the rest us know you are nothing but a lying, deceitful creature and you will meet the end you deserve. No one will mourn you. No one will remember you. You are nothing and you will be nothing just like your mortal parents.'' He whispers cruelly in my ear.

''Funny coming out of your mouth because as far as my memories serve, this worthless mortal was the one who ended your 'immortal' life. It's you who's been dead for years and no one cares.'' I snap and his face turns dangerous as he snarls furiously and stab me in my mortal heart.

As I cough up blood and the life drains out of me I think of those black eyes and soft wicked mouth, and all i feel is regret.

I wake up from the nightmare but don't dare open my eyes.

I'm in hell.

There's no other explanation for the excruciating pain I feel in my entire body. Maybe that wasn't just a nightmare at all and Valerian really did murdered me and now, just how I knew I would, I'm in hell paying for all my sins.

I slowly open my eyes, wincing against the pain, and my eyes land on a very familiar sleeping face.

Well, if hell is a place where he's there with me, then I don't mind it so much.

But, if I'm dead and in hell, does that mean he died too?

And why the hell does my whole body hurts so much if I already died?

I groan loudly as my head starts to throb. I squeeze my eyes shut as the pain becomes unbearable.

''Jude?'' I hear a voice but I'm in too much pain to do anything.

''Jude! Oh I can't believe you're finally awake." I realize it's Cardan who's talking to me and I open my eyes to look at his face.

''Are we dead?'' I ask him stupidly, my voice hoarse, my mind unable to think of any coherent thoughts.

''What?'' He leans in closer to hear me properly

''Are we dead?' I clear my throat and repeat the question more clearly this time.

''No. No we're not dead. You're not dead. We're both alive. You're here and so am I.'' He whispers softly against my forehead as he places soft kisses between each sentence while his trembling hand caresses my hair.

''How did I-'' I trail off as I fail to remember how I ended up in this situation.

Cardan looks at me, worry itched on his face as he asks softly ''Y-you don't remember what happened.?''

I frown at him and try hard to remember and everything comes rushing to my mind. How I sneaked out in night to deal with those assailants, how everything suddenly went downhill and they almost killed me. I remember my Court of Shadows intervening and realize it must've been Cardan who sent them after me. I feel a sudden pang of guilt when I remember the memories from the night before. How we had that argument and how I agreed at the end that I won't go.

I open my mouth to say something, apologize mostly, but my words get stuck in my throat when he softly presses his lips against mine.

''Cardan I'm-''

''Rest Jude.'' He says in a soft voice his gaze roaming all over my face. ''You need your strength back. We'll talk later when you feel better. For now, go back to sleep.''

He's hurt. Of course he is hurt. I lied to him even though I said that I wouldn't. I messed up. I open my mouth to try again but he just shook his head and pressed one last kiss on my forehead and then walked out the room, leaving me alone with my guilt.

Cardan's p.o.v

It's been 22 days since they brought Jude in that condition. 19 since she gained consciousness. And I still haven't had the courage to talk to her.

It's not like I'm ignoring and avoiding her completely. I have been taking care of her every needs. I spend most of my time with her and make sure she's taking proper rest and meals and I can see that she is getting better. Well as better as someone who was almost killed can get in such a small amount of time. It will take a lot more time for her to fully heal, but it's still progress.

Though I can feel that she wants to talk to me badly.have a proper conversation instead of just talking about her recovery and health. I feel terrible avoiding every conversation she tries to make with me. I can see how it's killing her but I just don't think I'm ready to talk about what happened. At least not yet.

''They are still in hiding. I've got our spies searching for their exact location. We've had no luck so far but I'm sure we'll find them in no time.'' I'm sitting at a table in the Court of Shadows with The Roach, the Bomb, and the Ghost as he updates us on the assailant situation.

A few days after the incident, our spies got a word that somehow, some of them managed to escape. They've been in hiding ever since and we've been trying to locate them but our efforts have been of no avail.

When we find them, I will make sure that they meet the end they deserve. I might be against murder, but no one hurts my wife. If I were any good at fighting, I would've gone after them personally.

''Send someone else. Someone better.'' I'm tired of waiting now. I don't care if the Ghost thinks that those spies he sent are one of the best. They are obviously not good enough if even after all this time they've failed to figure out their location.

''Cardan we must be patient. They are good at their job and they will uncover their hideout.'' the Roach says with an exasperated sigh.

''They might be good, but they're not good enough. Send them a message saying that they are to return immediately. Someone else will take their place. Someone who won't waste our time. And that is not a request'' I say with finality in my voice. They all exchange a look. But they can't refuse my order regardless of how much they might dislike it.

''Whatever pleases you my king.'' the Roach says with a slight bow of his head and leaves the room.

''Do you thi-'' the Bomb begins but stops and her eyes widen at something behind me and I turn around in my seat to look. My heart skips a beat and my eyes widen when they land on Jude who is standing at the threshold, her right arm in a sling and a blanket around her shoulders.

I instantly jump out of my chair and run towards her. ''Jude what happened? Is everything alright? You shouldn't be out of bed. Do you need somethin-''

''Can we talk?'' She asks in a low voice. I immediately realize what this is all about and gulp.

''I- uh w-we were discussing something uh- something important. C-can't it wait?'' I stumble upon my words as I try to come up with an excuse to avoid the inevitable ,yet again, like a coward.

''I'm sure whatever it is, they'll manage fine without your input.'' She looks behind me at Bomb giving her a look.

''Yeah, uh- you can go Cardan. We were done anyway.'' I groan mentally when she replies.

Looks like there's no way out this time. Jude raises an eyebrow at me and I sigh, wrapping an arm around her shoulder to guide her. She's still too weak to be roaming around like this.

Well she wouldn't have gotten out of bed if you'd just had the courage to talk to her like a grown up adult that you are instead of avoiding her.

I ignore the voice in my head and silently guide the way. Once we reach our room, I help her sit on the bed while I lean against the wall.

''So, what is it that you wanted to talk about?'' I ask, acting dumb. She looks up at me but avert her gaze as soon as they meet mine.

''You're mad at me.'' She doesn't ask me but rather states it.

''And you deduced this conclusion.....how ?'' I say raising an eyebrow at her.

''It's all written on your face Cardan. Even your actions. You can't even talk to me unless it's about my health. In these past days you've made sure I have everything I need. But what I really need is to talk to you. Have a normal conversation like we used to have.'' I can feel her frustration rising with every word.

''I am having a conversation with you now. Am I not? So tell me Jude, what made you think that I was be mad at you, as I've been feeling quite a few things but anger at you wasn't one of them. What is it that made you so certain that I was? Should I be mad at you?'' Out of everything that I've been feeling, anger wasn't one of them. Okay maybe there was a little bit of anger too. But it wasn't at her. My feelings were more of guilt and hurt and a slight betrayal.

Now as my mind is forced to relive those moments, I feel it. I feel my anger rising though I'm not sure if it's all directed towards the woman in front of me.

Her expression changes slightly, but she's quick to hide it before I can make sense of it. I raise an eyebrow as she opens her mouth several times but no words come out.

Wasn't she the one who wanted to have a conversation?

''Forgive me.'' She blurts out.

'' Whatever for?'' I feel kind of terrible for making this harder than it should be but honestly, have I ever been considerate about anyone's feelings before?

Yes. You've been considerate when it comes to her

''You know what.'' I only shrug as a response making her let out an exasperated sigh.

''You're terrible.'' She said in a low voice, but loud enough for me to hear.

''Never claimed to be better.'' I smirk when she glares at me.

She's cute when she's angry.

''Cardan'' She says my name in a warning tone.

''Jude'' I repeat in the exact tone as her.

Ahhhh and I'm supposed to be the high king!? I can't even stop acting like child!

Jude groans loudly ''Must you always be so difficult!?''

''I don't know what you want from me Jude!!''

''I WANT YOU TO LISTEN!'' She screams suddenly.

''I AM LISTENING.'' If she's gonna shout like that, then I'll do so as well.

Grow up for once Cardan!

''No you're not! You're acting all dumb when I know very well that you know what I'm talking about! I've apologized Cardan. Why are you being so difficult still!?

''Yes, you apologized Jude. And how exactly do you want me to react? What am I supposed to say? That it's alright? That I accept your apology and we can go back to how we used to be!? You think it's that easy!? That you can just do what you did, then mutter an apology and expect it to be enough!? YOU LIED TO ME JUDE!! YOU LIED TO ME EVEN THOUGH YOU PROMISED ME OTHERWISE. I TRUSTED YOU AND YOU USED THAT AGAINST ME!'' I take a few calming breaths to stop myself from shouting when I notice the fragile state she's in right now. It isn't fair of me to shout at her when she's like this.

I start again in a much calmer voice ''You used my trust in you against me and then left knowing full well that it was a suicide mission. I warned you that it would be too dangerous. But you, my stubborn stubborn Jude, you didn't heed my advice. You thought that nothing could've hurt you or break you because you know how to fight. And honestly I don't blame you for thinking that as you've proved your strength time and time again. I've never once doubted your fighting skills but this time, you did got hurt Jude! And it was terrifying. I was so terrified for you. I thought this time, you wouldn't make it. That I lost you forever because I wasn't there there to protect you!'' My voice raises slightly even though I tried hard to not do so. I'm struggling to breath as I feel too many emotions at a time. I take deep breaths in attempt to calm myself.

Her eyes are starting to glisten now. ''I didn't expect it to get so out of hand. They caught me off guard and I wasn't able to pull myself together in time.''

''Well if you had just listened to me and stayed or at the very least Jude, took someone with you, that wouldn't have been the case. It could've been avoided, had you been truthful about your intentions.'' I run a hand through my hair. Controlling my anger is proving to be harder as our conversation progresses.

''It wasn't my intention to lie.'' She walks towards where I'm standing.

''And yet you did.'' She flinched at my tone and took a step back and I instantly felt guilty. I open my mouth to say something, anything to make her feel better but before I can utter even a single syllable, she starts speaking again.

''I couldn't tell you what I had planned. If I had, then you would've tried to stop me an-''

''Of course I would've tried to stop you Jude. I will always stop you if staying will result in you being safe.'' I can't stop my voice from raising now.

''Easy for you to say because you don't get it Cardan! We're not the same. You're idea of safety and mine are completely different. If I feel threatened, then I'd rather take care of my enemies than stay cooped up somewhere. And this time it wasn't my life threatened but rather Oak's. I can't just sit by idly when someone tries to kill my brother. I can't sit behind the curtains and just give orders to someone. He's my family and I'm supposed to make sure he's safe and I failed at doing so. Had I done a better job at ensuring his safety and protecting him, then all this would've never happened.'' Her body has began trembling now. If it's because of weakness or anger or something else, I can't tell.

I quickly walk towards her and make her sit on the bed. I sit on my knees in front of her taking her chin in my hand and force her to look at me. My chest feels heavy when I notice the unshed tears in her eyes.

''That's what it was about? You didn't want someone else to do the job because you felt obligated to do so? because you thought that you failed at protecting him?'' I ask her gently. A tear escapes her eyes and I wipe it away with my thumb, gently caressing her cheek to try to calm her.

''I know it's really stupid.'' She whispers, her eyes closing against my touch.

''No, it's not stupid.'' Her eyes open and she looks at me. Her brows pulling down in a frown.

''You think so?''

''Wouldn't have left my mouth had I not believed it to be true.'' I give her a small smile and another tear falls out of her eyes and I quickly wipe it away, cupping her face in my hands.

''Caring about your family isn't stupid. You may think I won't understand much about family values because mine never cared about me, but I do understand them. Because you, Jude Greenbriar, are my family. I am no murderer, but I would kill whoever will dare hurt you. So no, I do not think it's stupid. It was stupid to keep it all from me. Had I known you felt so strongly about it all and that you blamed yourself, I would've gone with you. I would've taken a whole army to make sure that I capture them all, and then I would've thrown them in your feet and let you deal with them in whichever way you saw fitting.''

Wow did I really just said all that?

''That was........really sweet Cardan. Who knew you are willing to go to all those lengths for someone.'' She says jokingly.

''No one shall hear about it or else they'll be disappointed to know that it's only for you. And I do have a reputation to maintain'' I smirk and press a kiss against her knuckles.

I can't believe I'm such a fool when it comes to her. I can't even stay mad at her for long.

''I-I'm really sorry Cardan. For everything.'' I sigh at this.

''Don't apologize. I'm just....hurt that you felt the need to lie to me. It really hurt me to think that you can't trust me the way I trust you-''

''I do trust you Cardan.''

''You wouldn't have hidden the truth from me if you really did trust me. I don't know what I did to make you think that you couldn't. But Is it really that hard? To just say the truth for once, tell me what you really feel instead of lies and half truths?'' I look down at her knees.

She grabs the back of my neck and force me to look at her. ''Listen to me Cardan'' Her grip on my neck tightens. ''I trust you. I.trust.you. The reason why I lie has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I've been lying about my feelings for so long that it's almost like a second nature now. Don't you dare blame yourself for my flaws. I will work on it to get better. I promise.''

''Please don't make any promises, because the last time you did I almost lost you.''

She smacked my arm and I let out a small chuckle. I lean in to press my lips against hers and she wraps her arm around my neck, pulling me closer. I break the kiss and press my forehead against her.

That went better than I thought it would. Now I regret not talking to her sooner. I'm not even surprised that I once again overreacted.

''Don't ever do that again. Don't just leave in the middle of the night like that. Don't ever risk your life like that again because I won't be able to live with myself if anything ever happened to you. I am nothing without you. All that I am is because of you and it would turn to nothing if you won't be beside me'' I whisper.

''Stop, my poor heart can't take such sweet words from you right now.'' A small smile forms on her lips and I smile back, kissing her again. I lay her down on the bed and climb on top of her, being careful of her still healing injuries and kiss her hard. I pour all my emotions into it and she moans softly against my lips.

I peck her lips one last time after we break apart breathing heavily and lie down beside her. My heart feels lighter now that everything is out there. Well everything except for the fact that some of the folks who tried to kill her are still alive. But that can wait till later. For now I just want to lay down with her next to me. I carefully pull her closer and close my eyes when I hear her call my name.

''Cardan?'' She asks in a soft voice.

''Yes wife?''

''Ignore me again like you did, and I promise I would cut your royal tail and then choke you with it.'' She whispers. Her sweet voice such a contrast to her dangerous threat that I can't help but laugh.

''You wouldn't dare harm my 'royal tail', you love it too much.'' I say with a smirk.

''Why don't you try and check out for yourself?'' She trail her hand up and down my tail in a mocking way, causing shivers to run down my spine which only makes her smirk wider.

Something is seriously wrong with me if her threatening my innocent tail is turning me on so much.

Oh I am such a goner.

Thanks for reading this. Hope you all liked it. lots of love <33

[lacrymatoryao3]

Redemption Was Just The Beginning

Chapter 3: September, 1899 (Continued)

[1] [2]

To the world, Arthur Morgan is dead. As he tries to face the idea, in a lush valley in Ambarino he comes face to face with a woman from his past, and they must reckon with an era long gone. Especially when she has secrets of her own.

(Rated explicit simply because eventually there’s smut in this.)

2,733 Words (AO3 Link)

Dr. Anderson was a woman. It surprised Arthur when she came into the bedroom adjoined to the kitchen with Ana. While he had heard of them, he had never actually met a ‘Lady Doctor’ as some people called them. He rarely saw doctors at all, but when he did the only women involved were either nurses or secretaries.

“Consumption, huh?” Dr. Anderson questioned, setting a medical bag nearly as big as she was on the dresser. She opened it and rifled through to get what she wanted.

Ana looked at Arthur snug tightly in the bed, “That’s what he says.”

“I see.” Dr. Anderson said out loud and putting her attention on Arthur, “Who did you get this diagnosis from?”

“Some doc down there in Saint Denis.” Arthur replied as Dr. Anderson put the end of a stethoscope underneath his shirt, moving it around to get a good listen of his lungs from multiple angles.

Dr. Anderson hummed, “Yeah? They do got quite the problem with that in those swamps. All that humidity.”

The doctor continued her examination, but while she investigated his ribs she pressed too hard on the muscle above his stomach. Arthur lurched forward and began to cough, hard and uncontrollably. Dr. Anderson grabbed a handkerchief and held it over his mouth. She encouraged him to let out whatever wanted to come up. Once the attack ended the doctor took a look at it, then put the handkerchief in a sealed metal box.

Dr. Anderson sighed, “I know that wasn’t pleasant, but with this sample I can look at it under a microscope at my office and see what’s really going on.”

“So,” Ana said, who had been sitting in a comfortable chair next to the bed, “do you agree it’s consumption?”

Dr. Anderson put her tools back into her bag, “To be quite honest? I’m not sure. Of course it’s a possibility with his symptoms, but at the same time he has injuries that make it harder to say for certain. Either way, his lungs are terribly congested. I’m going to give you a few things to keep him comfortable. Keep the windows open until the weather changes, he needs fresh air. Make sure he rests and doesn’t exert himself. Give him good food, good drink.”

The doctor rubbed her temples, “And if you think it’ll help make sure there’s a lot of garlic. I don’t really understand the idea people around here have about it, but since most almost swear upon it I don’t see the hurt.”

The doctor left them with two medicine bottles, one for pain and another for fever. She also gave Ana a medical syringe in case Arthur was unable to swallow. Ana followed the Dr. Anderson out, leaving Arthur with his thoughts for a while. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like this. He didn’t like feeling helpless or useless. There was no guarantee he would ever get better, he didn’t even try to entertain the idea. He would have preferred to die fighting the way he expected to, not like an old man bound to a bed.

“You dying, Mister?” A small voice squeaked from the doorway. Arthur looked at him, the boy peeking over the door jamb. He assumed from his dark hair and warm complexion he was the child Ana said she had. There was something peculiar to him, but Arthur couldn’t place it.

“Dunno yet.” Arthur replied a little too seriously than he intended, “When I am I’ll let you know.”

The boy scurried before they could say anything else to each other, hearing his mother’s voice. Arthur heard them muffledly speaking to each other in Spanish in the kitchen.

Ana returned to the room holding a wooden tray with legs, “You think you could eat for me? Mrs. Liang whipped it up. She says she’ll make you some sort of soup that should help you. Chinese medicine sort of stuff. I also made you a garlic tea.”

Arthur sat up a little further as Ana placed the tray on his lap, “Garlic… tea?”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds. We use it Mexico for coughs and such.”

Arthur looked at the meal. It was a fillet of some sort of fish with a cause on it. When he tried it, despite not having much of an appetite, it was a type of horseradish with more garlic mixed in. Underneath was a pad of plain white rice. On the side there was a salad of red radish mixed with apple. The tea did have a faint taste of the garlic, but it was mostly overpowered by the taste of lemon and honey. It was an odd combination, a little bit fancy, but it beat the spartan concoctions Pearson would throw together.

Arthur managed to finish it, Ana lowering the kerosene lamp’s glow before she left to feed herself and her son. They tried to be quiet in the kitchen. He looked around the room, looking for something to entertain himself with. He opened the tiny drawer in the bedside table and leaned over to peer inside. He pulled out a book. It was a collection of short stories about that English detective written by a feller named Conan Doyle. Mary-Beth had told him about him once. He opened the book to find on a blank starter page ‘J. Gardener – Obtained 1894’ written in a weak and shaky hand. It wasn’t a long book, but the previous reader didn’t seem to get very far. A quarter of the way through it, Arthur found a cigarette card of a Sioux chief in full regalia that was used for a bookmark.

Arthur had read the first three stories when Ana came in the room. She had changed from her sage green blouse and black plaid belted skirt into her nightgown. She had taken her hair out of the high bun with a braided crown into a style Arthur was much more familiar with. Her hair was still very long, falling in waves down her back, just as thick and shiny as it had been when he had first met her.

“I forgot that book was in here. Good thing you found it.” Ana said, placing a leather-bound journal and pencil on the table, “I brought that for you. I remember you always doing something in one of those.”

She sat in the chair next to him, propping her feet on a matching ottoman and draping a blanket over her lap. She stared at him for a while, there was a warmth gleaming in her eyes, “I never thought I’d see you again.”

Arthur gave her a frail smile, “Too bad you had to see how old I’m gettin’.”

“It’s not so bad, and I’m not young anymore either.” Ana replied, leaning against the chair’s arm, “Tell me, everything I missed. What happened to the gang? Clearly something, or else you wouldn’t be here.”

Arthur hesitated, but eventually began the long story. First with all the people who joined after she had gone, the ensuing years. Then he got to Blackwater, and the downfall of everything. One disaster after another, the Pinkertons, Micah Bell, Dutch’s change. He got into how he learned he, supposedly, had tuberculosis and who and how he got it. Ana listened with her own whirlwind of emotions, especially when she found out how old Hosea and Susan had gone out. She had some solace in those who she remembered who did make it out like Uncle who never seemed to do much around the camps, or Pearson who tried his best despite the bland stews, or the fallen Reverend Swanson who enjoyed listening to her pray during the mornings. She was surprised about John. He was just a teenager when they had met, he a near feral child. To know he had a family, was something she never completely expected of him.

The conversation went well into the night. As the owls hooted through the open windows, Arthur’s eyelids started to become heavy. Once there was no more speaking, Ana watched him as he fell asleep. She watched him for a while. Anger ignited in her chest for him, at Dutch. She contemplated if she ever really knew him. He seemed so different those years in her past. To know what became of him, what he did to the man he raised from a boy, it astonished her. It didn’t seem right. And that Micah, whoever the hell he was. It was a good thing she hadn’t been there. Her temperament would have not cooled, she would have probably killed him the moment he said anything vulgar to her.

Ana sighed and got up from the chair. She draped the blanket over the back, taking one last look at Arthur with all the things she wished she could say. Her feelings were still the same, but the knowledge and understanding it would never be despite any new hopes were also. Still she gazed upon him, reaching down and pushing his hair away from his forehead. She muttered to him softly not to wake him, before leaving the room to retire to her own upstairs.

[*]-----[*]-----[*]-----[*]-----[*]

During the night, Arthur’s fever spiked. When Ana went to check on him, he was flailing about in the bed. Sweat drenched his body, his nightshirt, and sheets. Ana fetched a small bucket of water and rag she put into the ice box before she went to bed. She put the fever medicine Dr. Anderson gave her into the syringe and tapped the air out of it, stabbing the small needle into his neck but avoiding any veins. She dunked the rag into the bucket of cold water, wrapping it around his forehead. She held him, waiting for it to break. He grasped wildly at anything he could grab whether it was her nightgown, which he pulled with a ferocity that the seams began to rip, or her hair tumbling down her back until she cried out in pain. Still, she held him tightly as he screamed and carried on in whatever delusional dream possessed him.

Through his anger, “MICAH! YOU RAT BASTARD! I SHOULDA LET YOU SWING IN STRAWBERRY! YOU DAMNED US! SOLD US OUT!”

Through his pain, “Dutch… Dutch, how could you do this…? You were like a father… And Hosea… You called me your son… Why? After all them years? Why?!”

Through his sobs, “Mary… Oh, Mary! I’m so sorry!”

Ana couldn’t stop herself from wincing at the last one, feeling like a knife cut through her heart.

After an eternity the medicine and the cold rag worked, leaving Ana feeling like she had just been through a battle. She examined her wounds, bruises on her arms and scratches on her back, and gown torn beyond repair. She laid him back in the bed, knowing in the morning she would need to change the sheets but too exhausted to bother right at the moment. She tucked him into the blankets tightly, lying down on them next to him. She brought his head to her chest, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and neck. It didn’t take sleep long to take her once she closed her eyes.

[*]-----[*]-----[*]-----[*]-----[*]

At first Arthur slept without much in terms of dreams. Then came a heat that burned like he was in the hottest pit of Hell. He opened his eyes to flames surrounding him. He couldn’t seem to escape them no matter what direction he moved in, fire licking his skin and threatening to consume him. In the blaze he saw faces and then their full forms. They surrounded him. Micah, that potbellied prick with that displeasing smug grin on his lips under his disgusting mustache and twinkle in his beady eyes covered by his stringy blond hair. Dutch with that unfeeling stare that had grown colder and colder by the time he abandoned Arthur on that cliff near Beaver Hollow. Mary, the most painful of all, the same expression on her beautiful face when he refused to run away with her. He tried to shout back at them, but to his ears no sound came out. He crumbled in front of them, their visages fading from him, leaving him in a pitch black void.

In front of him appeared a bright white light. He hesitated going towards it, until his eyes adjusted. It was the opening of a cave, leading to a meadow bathed in a golden glow. Instead of comfort he felt dread, like the other times before the world had turned that color. He walked towards the exit given to him, bracing himself for what he was going to see.

Surely enough, there it was. In a tall patch of grass alongside a stream fed by a waterfall, a magnificent white-tailed buck stood. It stared at him, unaffected by his approach. Arthur reached out to it, the deer sniffing at his hand and stepping away. It then looked past him. Sensing something else nearby, Arthur looked over his shoulder. Lounging calmly on a rock there was a cougar. Arthur knew how cougars usually were, strong and dangerous. They would attack without being heard or seen until it was too late. To see one act in such a way unnerved him.

The cougar stretched its slender body, loping down from the rock to the buck. It stood between it and Arthur. He expected to see it attack, but instead the cougar affectionately against the buck. The cat purred and groomed it, further confusing Arthur. He was aware this was another of his visions, he had had them when he learned he was dying, but this time he was unsure what the meaning held.

The cougar grunted. It walked towards the waterfall, looking back as if expecting him and the buck to follow it. The buck bounced behind the cat’s body, both animals disappearing under the cascading water. Arthur took a deep breath, stepping under the heavy shower.

The sudden coolness struck him, bringing him back to reality. He opened his eyes. He was still alive, lucky for another time. He felt a cool rag on his head and tightly in Ana’s arms. Arthur looked up to her face. Whatever had happened, the trouble was written on her sleeping face. He truly didn’t understand it all, how it led from the acceptance of dying and dying alone at that, to this. He out his head back onto her breast, finding comfort in her warm and strong heartbeat.

[*]-----[*]-----[*]-----[*]-----[*]

“I’m mighty sorry, Anie.” Arthur spoke as he watched Ana, still in the nightgown he ruined, strip the bed in the morning after breakfast and turning the cotton filled mattress over to the dry side from the armchair she sat him in.

“You have nothing to be apologetic over.” Ana replied, putting new linens on the bed and replacing the pillows, “It was a rough night. Until you came out of it I was almost sure I was going to lose you.”

She tucked the bottom blanket sheet into the foot board, covering it with a new quilt. She smoothed them with her hands before folding them into a triangular shape so Arthur could get back in when he was ready and stacking the pillows on top of one another so his head could stay comfortably elevated. She went over to him, helping him pull off his sweaty nightshirt. She put a fresh and clean on him after shaving his face, combing his hair, and washing him up with a damp cloth.

“I shoulda died out there. I don’t deserve any of this…” Arthur muttered when she tucked him in the bed.

Ana sighed. She started softly stroking his hair, the look on her face one of concern and sadness, “You let me be the judge of that for now, Arthur Morgan. All I want you to worry about is to get better.”

After Ana was dressed a man knocked on her door, handing her a telegram from Dr. Anderson. The slip of paper read:

‘Examined sample from gentleman in your care = Found no evidence of mycobacterium tuberculum (consumption) = Patient however has severe lung infection = Continue treatment recommendations = If advances send me again = If not will visit in a month’s time = Dr S M Anderson M D.’

[fickleminder]

Omg, thank you for being interested in my little plot bunnies! TYSCATDSC was literally so good, it was impossible for me not to run with it. It's rife with so much possibility, it made me think of all the different ways MC and the brothers could have reunited, what they would have to do to mend their relationship after the fact, MC and Lilith bonding time, it's just. An amazing fic. The plot, the characterization, everything.

I too am (obviously, I guess) a sucker for MC whump. We rarely get it in game, so we have to do it ourselves. I have started writing the “good ending” version with my MC, so if it’s okay with you, I might post the MC survives!version once I finish it?

The “bad ending” where MC doesn’t survive is something I started, but I'm not sure if I'll ever finish. I will say it was Solomon who found out about MC’s death first. 2ish years after the end of the exchange program, a friend of his overhears some hunter bragging about killing the “master of the 7 avatars of sin”. He goes back to MC’s hometown to try to track them down, and winds up hearing about an unidentified body being found in the woods like a year earlier. The witch hunters essentially cut them off from using their pacts (so Satan never knew what happened to them either), tortured and destroyed their soul before leaving them in the woods. MC is just gone forever, and the way I planned the rest of the plot, it’s all the characters reacting to the fact that their soul was literally wiped from the world and no one noticed. Not the angels, not the demons, not even the humans. They died suffering and alone, their body wasn’t found for almost a full year after they died, and they were buried in an unmarked grave until Solomon came by, by chance. I hurt my own feelings writing that one and I may or may not finish it one day, but it would be a tough one for me to continue.

As for the NB headcanons, have u ever listened to The Alcott by The National and Taylor Swift? Bc there’s this whole part that Taylor sings in the chorus and it goes like “tell me which side are you on, dear? / give me some tips to forget you / could it be easy, this once? / I think I'm falling back in love with you” and that is like. The whole vibe I was working with here. Honestly, the whole song was a vibe. I think NB would happen maybe a few years after the exchange program ends. MC has gotten used to being without the brothers (minus Satan, who they are able to see every few months, when he can get away from his responsibilities) when they are sent back in time, again. NB happens same as usual, except now MC has to deal with unresolved (romantic?) feelings for the brothers who now do not know them, and their only solace (Satan) is a blank slate and rife with resentment and violent rage. I think Solomon would still come to help them, but I imagine him in a more antagonistic role; in this version of NB, I see Solomon taking advantage of MC’s broken heart and loneliness and trying to sway them to his (humanity’s) side, maybe try and get them to fall in love with him instead.

Meanwhile, in the present day, Barbatos invites the Morningstars over for tea and casually mentions that the human who held all of their pacts has been unceremoniously chucked into the past by an unknown (?) entity. That’s all I have until more lessons come out, but I love to think of all the extra angst putting TYSCATDSC!MC into the NB universe causes. Knowing the brothers intimately while they know nothing whatsoever; watching them grieve Lilith and being unable to tell them they get her back one day; going through the motions knowing that another goodbye is inevitable; torn between not wanting to get close again, and being helpless to the feelings that always seem to come around when it comes to these brothers.

I'd be 100% down to read the MC survives!version first! As much as I'm a sucker for whump, I like happy endings too!! Do take your time, and please tag me when you post it 🙏🏻

That bad ending tho, holy shit. It hurts so good omg thank you for feeding us such delicious angst!! It really encapsulates the replaced!AU so well, the way MC is just lost to them (be it by their own neglect or external forces) and they can't do anything about it until it's way too late. I totally understand if you don't finish that one; my heart aches just reading what you have so far 🥲

And I love those lyrics for the NB headcanons! MC's entire support system is just gone, and I'm super intrigued by the sus!Solomon subplot you got there. As for the brothers... oof. Imagine being reminded of the one family member they neglected for years, only to be told that they've been lost in time. MC isn't dead (at least for now), but there's no way the brothers can get to them either. They must be going insane with all the worry and guilt.

I'm holding off writing too deeply for NB myself cus we're relatively early into the story so I wanna see where it goes first, but poor MC's really getting the short end of the stick no matter what eh? Anyway, thank you for sharing more on your ideas! I'll be in the back cheering you on and sending you all the good writing mojo 💪🏻

[kristannafever]

She Ain't Gotta Do Much - 11

Kristanna Modern AU Rated: M WC: 4320

Chapter Index

---------------------

When Kristoff arrived at the hospital the next morning, there were police officers in with Sven and he was told to wait in the hall until they were done.  When they left about ten minutes later, Kristoff went in to see his buddy.

“Hey, Sven.”

“Hey, man,” Sven greeted him with a grunt as he sat up more in bed.  “How you doing?”

“Me?  Are you kidding?  I’m fine.”  He chuckled.  “How are you?”

“Honestly, ready to get the fuck out of here, but they tell me I gotta stick around for two more days or so.”

“That sucks,” Kristoff agreed, sitting in the chair beside the bed.  He motioned his head towards the door that the cops had walked out only a moment before. “What was that all about?”

“Oh, they got the guy that stabbed me.”

Kristoff’s eyebrows went up.  “Really?  That’s good.”

Sven shrugged.  “Eh, he’s just a kid.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like literally a kid.  He’s a week shy of his seventeenth birthday.  Turned himself in when he realized he was in over his head.”

“No shit?” Kristoff asked, shaking his head. 

“Yeah.  He’s going to juvie.  Told the cops he fell in with the gang when one of his older friends did, and when he found himself in the middle of that fight, he panicked.   I guess when I stepped forward to make sure Tilly was behind me, the kid freaked and just lashed out.”

“Huh.”  Kristoff leaned back in the chair.  “Shit.”

“Right?  Kid must be fucked up.  Thought he’d killed me.”

“Does he know you’re okay?”

“I dunno.  Is it weird that I kind of want to reach out to him when I’m out of here though?”

Kristoff smiled and shook his head.  “No.  It’s not weird at all.  I wouldn’t want to let a kid struggle to deal with thinking he’d murdered someone either.”

“Dumb fucking kid.”

“Yup.”

“Enough foreplay, what’s up with work?  What are we gonna do?”

Kristoff pulled in a deep breath.  “Well, I interviewed a few guys yesterday but none of them are going to work out.”

“Why?” he asked with a touch of frustration.

“Listen, Sven… Anna and I were talking, and she went to the CEO of her company to get some advice and-”

“Kristoff, I am trying not to get immediately upset here, but what the fuck does some rich asshole who’s worked behind a desk his whole life know about commercial construction?”

Kristoff was prepared for this.  He knew Sven was not going to take what he was about to say without a fight, so he gave it to his friend straight.  “How long until you’re back on the tools?”

“What?”

“You’re in here for two more days, then you are going to be put on bed rest at home.  How long are you going to be unable to do the physical work?”

“A while, I guess,” Sven conceded. 

“And I have to start Tony’s deli on Monday.  But I can’t be showing the ropes to a kid who is still in school.  I need someone with as much experience as we have, maybe more.  We need a foreman, because when that job is done, we’re putting him in charge of the next one.”

“I beg your pardon?” Sven moved again like he was trying to get up, realized it hurt to much, and settled back against his raised bed.

“And you are going to be the project manager from now on.”

“Hold on!  You can’t just decide this without me-”

“I’m not, that’s why were talking.  Nothing is set in stone.”

Sven grumbled and seemed to calm down considerably.  Kristoff knew how he felt; helpless, not in control, and pissed off that he’d ended up in the hospital in the first place. 

His friend seemed to process the information for a minute.  “So, if I’m the project manager, where does that leave you?”

“Another foreman, for now.  Working the jobs and overseeing them.  Then when we get more work, hire more guys, I move into the office with you and we run everything together, like we have from day one.  We just need a transition period.”

“Which, correct me if I’m wrong, requires more work than the three little jobs we have lined up.”

“Well, that brings me to my next point.  Anna… she… wants in.”

Sven’s brow wrinkled again. “In how?  Like ownership?”

“No, just a job.  Getting more advertising out there, answering phones, office work, payroll… stuff like that.”

Sven rubbed his palms down his face.  “This is a lot to take in right now,” he muttered.

“I know, dude.  I know.”  Kristoff stood and grabbed a piece of paper from his jacket pocket and handed it to Sven.  “Here, we outlined a game plan for the next three months.  It is… a touch optimistic I’ll admit that.  But I think we can do it.”

His friend took the paper and lowered his arm to the bed.  Kristoff felt bad for dumping all this on him while he was already going through so much.

“This is still you and me,” Kristoff spoke up.  “I know this is a risk and I know it is a whole lot sooner than we ever thought we would try to grow the business.  And if you don’t agree, we’ll figure something else out.  We’re partners.”

Sven pulled in a deep breath then looked at Kristoff and nodded once.  “Partners.”

-----

Anna had called Kristoff an hour later and told him she’d set up an interview with a Journeyman at the coffee shop a few minutes from her place.  She’d told him that morning she was going to be at work all day since there were a growing number of things that had started to require her attention.

When Kristoff met with the man, the interview went surprisingly well.  It was weird for Kristoff to be able to be direct and to the point and not be considered rude.  Perhaps interviewing people was going to be his forte moving forward. 

At the end of their meeting, he’d hired the man and told him to meet at the same place at the same time tomorrow to fill out his tax forms and whatnot, which was something Kristoff hadn’t even thought about until Anna had brought it up after she’d given him the information for the interview.

It was looking more and more like she was an asset that he greatly wanted to help him and Sven build their company.

With the rest of the afternoon to himself, Kristoff went home and started pulling furniture out of his spare room.  He was going to put the extra bed and dressers into storage, move his desk in to one corner, and go buy another one for the other corner.  It seemed as good a place as any to set up their first official office.  After standing and looking at the space, he realized he needed a draft table and a filing cabinet as well.  It was going to make the space a little tight, but they would make do.

And he was excited that as soon as Sven was out of the hospital, Anna was going to move in with him, and if everything went well, share the office with Sven while they worked on essentially getting more work.

Kristoff was about to haul the bed down to his truck when a better idea struck him and left everything where it was sitting in his hallway to deal with later.  He hopped in his truck and drove to the grocery store.

-----

Anna texted him when she was on her way home from work and Kristoff got busy cleaning the kitchen from the meal he’d just finished preparing.  He was just putting the dishwasher on when he heard her key in the door. 

Walking past the kitchen table, he grabbed the bouquet of flowers he got and went to greet her.

“Honey, I’m home!” She giggled.

He rounded the corner and she gasped when she looked at him and realized he had flowers for her.  “Oh, Kristoff!” she cooed, taking them when he offered them to her.  “You are the sweetest man alive!”

He leaned over and kissed her.  “I love you, baby.”

“I love you, too.”  She smiled sweetly, then her face shifted into a questioning look.  “What is that delicious smell?”

“Dinner,” Kristoff said with a big smile, then turned and walked towards the kitchen.

“Wait, what?” Anna called, following him.  “You made dinner?”

“Uh huh.  There’s a chicken in the oven, and mashed potatoes on the stove and I’m just about to make a salad.”

Kristoff started to rip apart some more lettuce when her silence spurred him to turn around, suddenly worried that he’d overstepped somehow?  She was giving him an incredulous look. 

Her head shook slowly back and forth.  “Just when I think you couldn’t be more perfect, you go and do something like this.”

He laughed and walked over to her.  “It’s just dinner, I am far from perfect.”  He put his hands on her shoulders as she once had done to him when he’d said the same thing.  “But I appreciate the sentiment.”

That made her giggle and he kissed her again, but only for a moment.  The chicken was almost done and he had to finish making the salad.

“How did it go with Sven today?” she asked, sitting at the kitchen table.

He turned his body to talk to her as he finished with the last of the lettuce.  “About how I expected.”

“That great huh?” she asked.

“Well, it is a lot to take in.  It certainly was a lot for me to wrap my head around and I’m not the one sitting in a hospital bed.”

“Yeah, understandable.  But whatever happens, I still want to help you guys out as much as I can.  Even if I’m still at my job.”

The oven dinged and Kristoff slipped on some oven mitts to take the chicken out to rest.  “Any idea what you’re going to tell the CEO on Friday?”

Anna gave a faint groan.  “No.  Not yet.  I just don’t know the best way to turn him down.  And then part of me is starting to feel bad if I do leave, because I just got settled in my new role and we just re-did our offices and my team works so well and… ugh.”

His brow furrowed.  Was she having second thought about all they had talked about?  He was fairly confident that Sven was going to be on board and he’d been so excited to have Anna join them, and now she had doubts?

“I thought you wanted this?” he said bluntly.

Anna suddenly looked a little taken aback by his tone.  “It’s not a for sure though, right?” she said quickly.  “If Sven doesn’t want to forge ahead there isn’t really any roles for me, is there?”

Kristoff felt a little frustration creeping in and he could tell by the look on Anna’s face she was too.  He took a deep breath and told himself to stop being a dick or they were going to find themselves on the business end of their first fight.

“I’m sorry,” he said.  “I understand where you are coming from.  If I were in your shoes, I would certainly feel conflicted too.”

Anna blinked at him a second and then her face softened.  “I’m still in, Kristoff.  All the way.  But I am still going to feel a little bad about it if I do end up moving on.”

He nodded.  “I get it.”

Anna stood and he took two strides to her and pulled her into a hug.  She sighed against him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders with the side of her face resting on his chest.  He set is chin gently on the top of her head.   “I love you.”

She pulled back slightly so that she could look up at him, and smiled.  “I love you, too.”

~   ~   ~   ~   ~

Kristoff would be lying to himself if he wasn’t feeling nervous to visit Sven the next morning.  It had never been this way for him before, and he worried that going forward with the plan would change the dynamic between the two of them to something that wouldn’t work as well as it had been.

Or couldn’t work at all.

Anna had brought up her feelings about leaving the company she’d been working with since college, and Kristoff suddenly had reservations about this plan of theirs to take the risks to grow their business.  It made him a little sick to his stomach.

Tilly was in the room when Kristoff arrived and he paused at the door, noticing that her and Sven seemed to be deep in conversation.  Without a word, he turned around and walked back down the hallway to the elevator.  He took it back down, shaking his hands to try and ease the tension he was feeling, and went to sit outside on a bench to gather his thoughts.

The wind was coming from the north, and he pulled his jacket zipper up a little tighter to the coolness of it.  It was one of those winds that reminded everyone that winter was on its way and that it would not disappoint.

Just as he sat on a bench, his phone dinged and he pulled it from his pocket.  The text was from Sven.

-Tilly had to go back to work come on up I saw you dumbass

Kristoff shook his head with a smirk and headed back into the hospital, grateful to be out of the chill in the air.  When he walked into Sven’s room, his friend looked amused.

“Tilly want’s me to move in with her when I get out of here,” he said by way of greeting.

“That so?” Kristoff asked with a smile.  “You gonna do it?”

“You know what… I am.  I am gonna do it.”

“Ho-ly Shit,” Kristoff said slowly as he sat down in the chair beside the bed.  “You’re finally going to commit.”

Sven laughed.  “Big talk coming from someone who can’t even commit to a Netflix subscription.”

“I will have you know that Anna has one of those, so I don’t need to worry about it anymore.  That... and she is moving in with me too.”

“No shit!” Sven grinned.

Kristoff shrugged his shoulders.  “Look at us, a couple of respectable boyfriends.”

“Who would have thought?”

They both broke down into laugher and it wasn’t until Sven clutched at his abdomen with a wince that Kristoff realized he’d forgotten how injured his best friend had really been. 

Sven shifted into a more comfortable position on the bed.  “I guess if we play our cards right, we can turn ourselves into a pair of respectable fiancés.”

Kristoff was surprised.  “You’ve been thinking about that?”

Sven nodded.  “Had a lot of time with my own brain sitting in this hospital bed and I realize that she’s absolutely the one.  I’m crazy about her, and she clearly cares a lot about me with how much she’s been here and taken care of me.”

“That is so good to hear, buddy.”

“It gets better.  They’re also releasing me tomorrow morning.”

“Nice!  I’ll bet you can’t wait to get out of here.”

“You have no idea,” Sven said, suddenly looking distracted.  He appeared to be contemplating his next words when he finally spit them out.  “I’m in.”

Kristoff didn’t need to ask for clarification.  “You sure?  I want you to take all the time you need to think it over.”

Sven waived his hand dismissively.  “I’m sure, even though the doctors said I’ll be back to full function quicker than either of us were thinking.  It’s just… I looked over the steps and figures that you outlined and I realized that this is always were we wanted to take this business and it seems stupid to not go for it now.”  He sighed.  “Who knows how long it would have taken us to even try if not for what happened to me.”

“That’s a good point.  We always talked about it but never did anything to make it happen,” Kristoff agreed.

“Well, to be fair we were always so damn busy working or trying to get work.  It’s hard to burn the candle at both ends.  Which is why I think Anna running the office side of things might actually get us where we want to go.”

Kristoff tried not to show how much that lifted his spirits to hear.  But this was his and Sven’s company first and foremost.  “If you have any reservations about that because we’re together, I want to know them.”

A smile graced his lips.  “Dude, she went out of her way to help us haul the trash to finish that demo and she passed our number along to get us more work.  I have no doubt she’ll do everything in her power to help us succeed.”

Kristoff opened his mouth to respond when Sven spoke up again. 

“Plus, a little birdie told me she’s turning down another big promotion with her company.”

Kristoff was a little surprised.  He knew Anna and Tilly had exchanged numbers and texted each other often, he just hadn’t known the extent of what they talked about.  “She is,” he said finally.

“Well, it sure seems like Anna isn’t one who’s scared by commitment, which makes me like her even more than I already do.”

“She’s definitely not,” Kristoff agreed with a smile.

“That’s why I’m on board.  Like, it’s her, not your grumpy ass.”

Kristoff laughed, relieved to hear Sven was feeling as good about everything as he had come to.  It was going to be hard, and there were going to be plenty of times in the next while when overhead was more than what was coming in, but they both seemed to have some newfound drive to make this happen.

“I can’t believe we’re finally doing this,” Kristoff said more to himself than Sven.

His friend nodded.  “I know.  But finding yourself on death’s door certainly changes a person’s perspective.  If this doesn’t work, we sell all our shit, live with our girlfriends, and just get jobs working for someone who does have a successful company.”

Kristoff liked the sound of that, and Sven was right.  If it all went belly up, they still had things they could fall back on.  They were both skilled tradespeople after all, he was sure they could both get jobs right away if they needed them. 

-----

After leaving the hospital, Kristoff took all the paperwork Anna had printed for him and met with their new hire and had him fill everything out.  Then he gave him all the information for the job he was to meet Kristoff at bright and early Monday morning. 

His mind was a whirlwind of thoughts.  All the things they were about to face, all the things that he still had to do, Anna, moving in with him over the weekend…which was the only thing that wasn’t currently stressing him out.

He went home and loaded up his bed and dresser from out of his hallway and took them to a storage place where he rented a unit.  Anna was going to put her surplus things in there as well until they could get sorted which of each of their things they wanted to keep.  Which wasn’t a priority for either of them.

Afterward he went to an office supply store and picked out a desk, drafting table, filing cabinet, and a bunch of other odds and ends that he didn’t already have at his place for their home office.   He arranged for home deliver since he simply didn’t have the time to pick it up himself, and nearly fainted at the till to come face to face with the bill.  It was easily the most he’d ever spent at one time aside from his townhouse and his truck.

Trying not to feel too anxious about it – he knew there was going to be a lot of costs at the beginning; you have to spend money to make money – he took everything home and put it all on top of his desk to sort trough over the weekend.  Then he hightailed it to Anna’s realizing he’d taken so long to do his errands that she would be home already.

When he walked into her place, she greeted him with a smile and a kiss and followed her into her kitchen, noticing the had takeout bags on the counter.  She told him once that she wasn’t much of a cook and ordered herself dinner much more often than not.  It didn’t bother him in the slightest.  He loved to cook and would love nothing more than to make their dinner when he got home from work.  Just having her to come home to every day was absolutely everything he needed.

He told her all about his conversation with Sven while they had dinner, and Anna was thrilled that she was going to be able to help them out and told him she would be giving her boss her two weeks notice in their meeting tomorrow.  Kristoff asked if she was still nervous about it, and she admitted the only thing she was nervous about was how the CEO would take it.  They’d both agreed that Anna would stay on for her two weeks – or a little longer if she was needed – so as not to burn any bridges, should she need to fall back on a job in that world.

After they ate, they settled on her couch to watch television and it wasn’t long before they were kissing passionately.  Things between them were still so new and exhilarating, Kristoff could not help the butterflies that he still felt when they were intimate.  And that feeling when they were finally joined, was easily the greatest thrill of his entire life.

-----

Kristoff stared at the ceiling, thoughts turning to work as they often did when a silence fell between them.  They’d been talking in the afterglow of their lovemaking before they both took a moment to rest. 

“Hey,” he said softly, breaking the silence.  “I was wondering about this earlier when I was talking to Sven.  When you were looking into having a company come in and reno your office, you must have called more than just us, right?”

Anna nodded against her pillow.  “I called dozens.”

That didn’t surprise him, just made him wonder all the more.  “How many came to look at the scope of work?”

“Just you guys.”

That surprised him.  He picked his head off the pillow and rolled onto his elbow, looking down at her.  “Seriously?”

“Yeah.”  Anna giggled.  “I was prepared to hire the first company I had a good feeling about and you guys did not disappoint.”

“Huh.  And here I thought we might have edged out the competition somehow.”  He didn’t know why, but he felt a little disappointed to hear this coming from her.

“Kristoff, you did.  Do you know why you were the only company to come and look at the job?”

He shook his head.

“Because you were the first company to call me back when I inquired.  On a Saturday.”

Kristoff smiled at the memory.  His Ma had called him and he’d passed on the information to Sven, thinking nothing of it.  It had been the third call he’d passed onto Sven that day.  Then Sven had called him back half hour later and told him they had a meeting on Monday morning to look at a big job for quote.

“So, our customer service was what sold you in the first place?” he asked slowly.

“Yeah.  A couple of the companies called me back that Monday after you guys had already taken a look, but I said I had already found someone.”

“But you didn’t know the price then.”

She shrugged.  “Didn’t matter.  I was given a big budget and I knew you guys were the ones I needed.  And look how right I was!”

“I spent a week on that quote,” Kristoff muttered to himself.  “I thought if we didn’t nail it, we’d lose the job.”

Anna frowned.  “I’m sorry, Kristoff.  I didn’t mean for this to make you feel any… resentment.”

His eyes went wide and he shook his head quickly.  “No that’s not what I was getting at.  I just meant I’ve always been so worried it’s my pricing that edges us in or out of jobs.  And I guess in reality it certainly does with some of them.   I just… I guess I just wanted to know what got us our work.  I mostly thought it was Sven.”

Anna grinned. “He certainly has a silver tongue.”

“Doesn’t he though.” Kristoff laughed.  “Well, I’m kind of glad to know that it’s not just him that gets us the work.   You know, he balked pretty hard when I first proposed getting back to customers on the weekends.   He figured no one would expect a construction company not to wait to return calls until Monday, and I told him that people are around to answer their phones on the weekend and we should be calling them back right away.  In the end I wore him down.”

“Well, like I said, that’s why I hired you guys.”

Kristoff smiled, looking down at her, his heart feeling even lighter about their chance to expand their company.  Damn if life wasn’t looking as up as it ever had for him and Sven.  He let out an exhale, the tingling feeling in his stomach building up again as he stared down at the love of his life.  Her enchanting eyes, her gorgeous face and beautiful freckles.  He dipped his head down and kissed her, arousal stirring fiercely within him once again.

---

Previous Chapter

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[ray935sworld]

VR's academy of supernatural riders (Part 14: Le mans 2012)

Posting it now cause apparently I forgot to post it here????

TW: Body transformation but not written as body horror

Alex Marquez had once again taken his seat at his brother’s side. It started to feel strangely familiar as the confusion and disappointment washed over him. He had actually believed this might be like Disney were they would be able to solve the devastating problem with only a magic potion. He wanted it so bad. He was so desperate to get the Marc that he knew and admired so much. Not this version of Marc which he could hardly recognize.

But this was real life.

So he sat down, on the right side of the bed. Dani and Jorge still at his other side. He stared at Marc unsure whether continuing to suppress his feelings or feeling them was the better solution. Based on the unmoved look of Marc’s face – his body seemingly frozen in one moment – he would soon be unable to keep up his facade and simply break. The decision, however, was taken from him, as Dani began to speak.

“I think we should tell you what is going on” “Oh really?!” Alex asked sarcastically. He stared at the older. He had offered a helpless way of rescuing Marc. “Cause you’re brilliant idea isn’t working” “I know, just… Maybe just give it a little time” “My brother might die during that little time. Maybe he doesn’t have any more time. Ever thought of that? Re-opening his wounds – are you even aware that we might committed accessory to murder?”

“Calm down. Listen. A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away-“ “Jorge” Dani gave him a judgy look. He clearly was not amused about his attempted at bringing some humour at the situation. “The truth is… During the French Grand Prix back in 2012… We ehm… Found out something… Interesting.”

“Meaning?” Alex was getting exhausted. The combination of anger, disappointment and worry had drained him. “We were let it in a secret. It isn’t ours to tell and we normally would never but you need to know it. For Marc’s sake.”

“I assume, it’s about this weird… whatever the fuck I just agreed to - situation?” “Yes. And it is important you don’t break my trust in you, Alex.” “What?” “You are not allowed to tell anyone. Not even your parents. If it wouldn’t be necessary for Marc to know, you wouldn’t even be allowed to tell him. Nobody is allowed to know this. Do you understand what I am saying?” “You’re scaring me” “Good.”

It had been a long time since Dani had looked at him with a stern look like that one. “If you tell someone - anyone, many people, including Luca… and Marc, especially Marc, might be in danger. We are talking about life threatening danger.” “That- None of this makes sense.” “It will.” Jorge reassure him “But you have to swear to never tell anyone.” “I… I promise to never tell anyone”

Le Mans 2012…

Dani had expected that this particular weekend would end up being rememberable. His teammate had told him what he would do. Casey Stoner – the current championship leader, the one that had bought the title back to Australia once more – had announced his retirement. This statement had of course overshadowed everything else, not that the Spaniard minded. He preferred to stay in the background and do his job as good as possible.

He had taken pole on Saturday but lost the lead. He had ended in P4 only closely missing out on a podium. Rossi and the soon to be retired Stoner had been better. But a particular someone had won the race and therefore taken the lead in the championship.

His particular someone to be exact. Jorge. Jorge Lorenzo had won. He had stood on the top step of the podium and grinned down. His eyes had looked for only one person and found him in the mess of Honda staff.

The smile hadn’t left his lips for the rest of the day. He fulfilled his post-race duties, did media and debrief, celebrated with his team. It took some time but his smile didn’t died. He kept it hidden until it was getting dark. It was at that time, that he headed for a certain motorhome.

He found Dani quicker than he expected. He saw him walking on the main path and decided to leave his safer route, hidden between some containers to surprise his boyfriend.

He quickly got closer to him only to grab him around the waist and pull him tightly towards him. He felt him struggle. His arms moved to press against him roughly and his chest made a move forwards, as if he was trying to get away before he recognized the smell, the strong arms around his body and the soft voice whispering “You’re safe. It’s me.” He calmed immediately.

Dani felt Jorges head falling against his shoulder. Everyone else – maybe except his brother – would have been pushed away, but with Jorge, he actually enjoyed it. He carefully leaned against the younger ones cheek and closed his eyes. They smiled to themselves. They stayed like this for a moment, enjoying themselves without any form of pressure. It was dark enough with most people already gone for them to feel safe enough to do this.

Then the hands around his body started to wander. They went from his waist to the waistband of his shorts. Next thing he knew, they were under his shirt touching his skin. They were slightly cold but not in an uncomfortable way. Jorge slowly caressed his torso, let his fingers wander up and down his abs, like he did so many nights during the break that caused them to grow closer. At the same time, the younger one had turned his head to face the other. He softly kissed started to kiss his face, aiming for the sensitive skin where his neck met his shoulders before slowly – almost lazily - moving up to his chin. He didn’t stay there for long. Instead he straightened slight to be able to carefully bit his ear. A soft moan escaped the Honda rider, only audible to the young champion.

It felt dirty. Being so open in public, both still dressed in their team shirts on a race track where everyone knew them, knowing there were story hungry journalist and enough riders holding grunges against at least one of them. It’d be so easy to get caught. But it felt too perfect to stop.

But Dani, being the ever voice of reason, took Jorge’s hand from his skin. “How about we move this to your motorhome?” He got an eager nod as a response and couldn’t help but laugh.

He turned around, their fingers still intervene. None of them dared to break the little bit of skin contact that was still left. Together they went towards the Honda trucks. Of course they didn’t made it.

They originally had planned to simply let go of each other when they realized they were no longer alone. As some voices they didn’t recognizes approached them, Jorge used the moment to pull the other quickly in an lonely alley. They ended up in a random, corner, Dani pressed against a wall in almost darkness. Both felt even more safe now. And therefore hornier than before. Their only reason not to jump on each other had remained at the main way.

Dani’s hands were pulling Jorge neck down to keep them connected in a heated kiss. They’re lips crashed together almost as violent as they themself did – mentally and sometimes physically - during a race. They kissed until they were both dizzy. Maybe a mix of love and lack oxygen.

He felt Jorge kissing his chin as he took a deep breath. His lips were slowly wandering down his throat. He kissed the sensitive part with wet lips. Dani moaned shamelessly. The sensation was almost killing him. He felt like his body was set on fire. Everything tingled. The moment felt like it was locking them in a short forever. He was grateful. There no thought of the past or the future. All that mattered were the sensations they gave too each other.

As if he was blind, Jorge started touching the older rider. He wanted to remember every fucking aspect of his beautiful body. He wanted to learn the placement of every single scar to be able to kiss them. His hands were running down his sides, feeling the fabric pressed against his own hands as he kept it away from his lover’s frame. As if he was afraid he’d run, he kept his hands possessively around him. He hold him in place and blocked him with his body from leaving. Not that Dani even thought about it.

“I want you so fucking bad, you have no idea” Lorenzo whispered. Dani grinned. Based on the growing sensation around his stomach, he had a good idea. The way his own shorts felt tighter around his waist added to the growing excitement between them.

“You have me” he answered.

Champagne and standing on the top step would always lean towards the almost inevitable winner sex.

Dani grinned and kissed his boyfriend before steadying himself on his hips and turning them around. Despite his height, he wasn’t a weak man and since his lover would do anything, changing their position was quite easy. Now Jorge was the one leaning against the wall. And god – oh well, maybe more Asmodeus, demon of lust – knew where this was going.

Dani dropped to his knees, a look in his face like a cat about to catch a mouse. He was pressing the younger one against the cold stones as he heard a soft noise of pleasure escaping the Majorcan’s mouth.

“Oh god, Dani” To say he was beautiful was an understatement. Jorge would have traded every win for this sight. The man he was allowed to call his boyfriend, his person, his Dani Pedrosa, was on his knees in front of him. He was looking up at him and only him with dark brown eyes and a dirty smile before letting his hands wander under his boxers.

He inhaled sharply as he felt the sensation around his already sensitive –

“YOU FUCKER!” A voice yelled. It was so close. Terrifying close as they had gotten lost in each other. They both flinched. Some senses were knocked back into them. Both realizing who they were and where and what they put at risk.

The sudden interruption caused Dani to pull his hand away and trying to step back to create an unsuspicious distance. He ended up on the ground as he was unable in his panic to control his feet. They were both staring towards the opening in their corner.

They could almost feel the present of the person. They were holding their breaths, praying whoever it was didn’t had a reason to enter this dark valley of the paddock. Both didn’t really know what to do otherwise and how to react.

They just waited and hoped for the best.

“LUCA!” While the name still hang in the air, a dog ran towards them. Its huge shoulders moved up and down while its back followed in an even movement. Its paws seemed to hit the ground for only a fracture of a second as he continued.

It was just turning in the corner, its head still looking back while continue to run. It was heading towards them.

Jorge felt his breath stop at this realization.

The animal in front of him was only at first glance considered a dog. It was too big to be one. The animal was actually huge. And it looked like a wolf. The ears similar to a triangle but with a round shape at the top. The long snout and strong legs. Definitely a wolf.

Then the animal turned back to them. Piercing blue eyes landed on Jorge. Then focused on Dani. Without hesitation the younger Spaniard stepped in front of Dani. At the same time, the animal almost immediately froze in its movement.

It stared at the two rider. They stared back. They tried to recall the old tails they had heard at some point. Should they avoid the eyes or focus on them? No one seemed to be able to react properly as everyone involved had been caught off guard.

Dani slowly took in more details about the animal. Its fur was dark brown with soft lighter sprinkles. If he’d saw it in a documentary, he’d probably be fascinated. But not now that he saw his sharp, white teeth scaringly close. Salvia was running down his mouth. He noticed one of the teeth that could probably easily tear down skin was missing and it scared him even more. At which enemy would even a wolf bite his teeth out?

The dog was biting something, holding it in his jaw. It seemed to be metallic. The shape appeared to be similar. And then he recognized it. That was a trophy. The Le Mans 2012 MotoGP trophy to be exact. He had seen both Jorge’s and Casey’s. So judging from the size, it must be the 2nd place one.

“GET YOUR FURRY ASS HERE, LUCA!” The voice returned. It was male. He didn’t sound like he was angry. It sounded like he was trying not to laugh and act upset. And now they were able to recognize it. That was undoubtedly Vale.

Panic hit Jorge once more. If Vale was calling for Luca, that meant the younger one was somewhere around here. And if he was wandering around while a literal wolf – which seemed to be scared – was going around… This couldn’t go well. After all, didn’t animals usually use attack as a way of defence?

Before he could think his actions over, the Italian appeared. “There you are, bambino. Did you finally run enough, Luca? Can we-“ he asked before stopping in his track. He had just spotted the two riders.

The silence that occurred was long and awkward.

Rossi used it to stare at them while the Spaniards brains were working with the new informations.

Luca was nicknamed bambino by Vale. Luca had piercing blue eyes. Luca had access to the 2nd place trophy as his brother had won it just hours ago.

The pieces were falling in places. There was only one reason why Vale didn’t looked terrified of the wolf in front of him. He didn’t even looked surprised until he had seen the two humans. Fuck. They even exchanged a glance. There was something unplaceable in the oldest eyes. It made Jorge want to scream but he was still too close to the animal and he wouldn’t dare risking making the wolf furious. No reason to awake sleeping lions. No reason to make a calm wolf angry.

None of this made sense, yet the explanation was so obvious that it was unbelievable.

It could have been fractures of seconds or close to hours until someone dared to break the silence again and put the obvious in words.

“Why the fuck do you talk to a literal wolf like he’s your brother?” Dani asked almost breathless. The animal was looking at the Italian. Again. Was he looking for… reassurance? Based on his timing he had definitely understood. His blue eyes seemed to ask an unspoken question which Vale answered but putting his hand on his head. His fingers carefully caressed his fur. He whispered something.

After he did, the wolf lowered his head. He put the trophy down. A single drop of salvia ran down the metal. They didn’t notice of course. Not when there was an animal that laid down only for his fur to change. His bones seemed to shift under his skin. His form changed. A whine escape its throat. Both Spaniards refused to look. Only after the sounds had died, around 1 or 2 minutes later, they turned around again.

The wolf has disappeared. Luca was now sitting next to Vale, who kneeled on the ground as well. He was clearly checking over the small body of the boy. The boy’s cheeks were flashed with red. His chest was rising and falling quickly. He was just wearing shorts and a loose shirt as he nodded to a question Vale had inaudibly whispered.

Luca. Bambino. Trophy. Wolf disappeared while Luca appeared at the same time. You didn’t need to be Sherlock Holmes to understand what had happened. Even though maybe even he had his trouble believing the never lying evidences.

Dani looked at Jorge. He was as pale as he felt. He never really believed in supernatural beings. He had grown out of it after he had stopped being scared on Halloween. He had played pretend for Eric until he too understood the difference between mythology, folklore and reality.

Now he learned that the borders between those things might not be as clear as he had assumed.

He could have argued until the end of days that those creature didn’t exist, asking why there weren’t any trace of them. But now he saw a wolf change into a 14 year old Italian with a missing teeth and long hair. Now he had an undeniable prove of their existence.

“You weren’t supposed to see that” Vale stated as he helped Luca up. He quickly hide the little body behind his own. They could barely see the little Italian. But what Dani saw, was nothing besides a frighten boy. Vale turned to them, while giving the Spaniards a pointy look. “I am willing to talk about it… If both of you swear that this stays between us. You will never talk about it. With no one. Not even your spouses or parents or siblings. No one. Understood?” “Okay” “Yeah” they agreed.

Vale looked at them for a few more seconds. He was trying to see through them, as if he could see whether they were lying or not. Dani felt like his father trying to figure out if he was telling the truth about the dimensions of a party was watching him. At last, the doctor finally nodded to show they were cleared.

They quickly followed him to his motorhome. The Ducati rider let them in, directed them to his living are, taking some papers from a table while addressing his brother in Italian. Luca hadn’t said a word yet, he nodded to the question and slowly Dani was getting worried too. His young face was scrunched in worry. He looked like he was about to cry. Guilt was written all over his face. The Honda rider couldn’t stand it so he smiled at the youngest.

“Luca, are… you know that whatever is going on here or between us and them-“ To get his point across he eyed his boyfriend and then Vale. “We would never want to hurt you or Valentino. Never. You know that, right?” Jorge nodded to show that the same could be said about him and Vale looked slightly released. He gave them a kind smile. Maybe the first one Jorge received in some time.

“I… Thank you” the youngest said, while looking at his feet. He couldn’t help the slight shiver in his voice. “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you in that alley. I wouldn’t have gone there if I had known.” “I sure hope so, dumbass” Vale laughed and the tension eased. “From all the places you could have gone, you decided that the one way that wasn’t abandoned, was a perfect place to go” “Sorry”

A red flush hit his face. He seemed to know that he had screwed up. Pitiful, Dani hoped to make him feel even slightly better. “Don’t worry, Luca. We wont say anything. I promise” “Thank you.” “Yeah” Vale agreed. “That would be very good. If you do spell the beans on us, this could end up… rather painful for us”

“What does that mean?” “Wait. Us? You mean to tell us… You are… you know… too?”

“A werewolf. Yes. Yes, I am a werewolf, just like my brother. We are born werewolves, not turned.” “Of course” Jorge commentated sarcastically. “So you and Wolfie here are werewolf brothers… What in the actual fuck?”

“Allora, I know it’s hard to understand for humans like you-“ “Humans like us?” “Yes. You are humans, aren’t you? This would be a great opportunity to confess otherwise. Trust me, I am the last to judge” He smiled, but his usual smile was accompanied by teeth that were slightly too sharp and dominant to be human.

“So like I said… we live hidden in front of human’s eyes. Being discovered would be very, very dangerous for us. There are too many people that hunt us for several things to be an as reckless idiot as Luca was today when he changed in front of you”

“Okay, so… Apart from you, who else knows?” Dani decided to see the whole thing fro the logical side. He could worry about what Rossi’s statements implied and how that would change his worldview forever later. “Not many.” The Italian shrugged. “In the paddock, only Uccio. Outside a handful of people I deeply trust” “Are there more?” Dani asked curious. His need for understanding and curiosity kicked in. “Yes. And they are none of your business”

“Are you dangerous?”

This questioned made the easy atmosphere disappear in a haze. Dani stared at Jorge in disbelief. How could he ask something like this? Luca looked taken aback as well. Hurt was clear in his eyes as he quickly turned to face the wall.

“No. We have gone through changes since we were 10.” Vale slowly explained. “We have naturally a very good control over the wolf.” “Legends say werewolf go feral during full-moon. What about that? Do you look yourself with some metal chains against a heater?” “No. We still are in control. Young, changed wolfs or those who refused to accept the new part of themselves are dangerous. Born ones only when they left their human side behind. Then they are like any other wolf… We might behave more animalistic but we still have enough control to stay away from humans and only hunt animals”

“So you eat raw, dirty animal?” Jorge teased with a grin. “The famous Italian cuisine, I guess.” “Oh, fuck off!” Vale laughed. “But seriously, there is no way we are actually hurting someone. There are no humans with us during a change and we stay away from villages. Only if a human would approach us, if we went feral and then turned angry, we’d attack. But that is very much impossible.”

“Okay… I trust you” Jorge decided. Their conversation continued. The humans were still trying to completely wrap their head around what they’ve just heard. The mood shifted as Luca and Vale grew more comfortable with talking about their supernatural gift.

They were honest and slowly the thought of werewolves in the paddock lost its earlier absurdity.

After some time, Vale decided to ask his own question, directed at the time. “You know… When I’m thinking about it… Why the hell were you two even in a dark lonely dead end street like that? Especially that late in the evening? There are no more fans or journos you would have needed to hide from.”

Dani’s face already turned red up to his ears. “Eh… Nothing” Jorge submitted as he quickly took another sip of the beer that Vale had handed him some time ago. He silently hoped that the topic would be dropped as both weren’t out and Dani was rather careful who knew what.

The topic was not getting dropped. Instead, Luca answered his brother’s question with a pointy grin only a young teenager knowing they were causing trouble, could produce. “They were about to have sex” he said without showing at least some kind of hesitation.

“Luca?!” Jorge exclaimed, clearly upset and feeling betrayed while the young boy just grinned wider over his reaction. He had done it on purpose. Small fucking bastard. He had exactly known what he was getting them into.

Vale lowered his glass of whiskey slightly as he looked between his ex-teammate and one of his friends. “You were having sex?” They both knew that Vale was bisexual so his mocking tone was not him being homophobic. He seemed rather amused.

“You had sex and that in front of my poor, innocent baby-brother.” “Innocent?” Dani asked annoyed. “Then how did we know what we were doing?” “As if you were any better!” Jorge exclaimed which earned him a shock look of the oldest. “Excuse me?” “No, he’s right. I think I saw more asses of his one night stands than faces.” Luca said, swapping sides once more. His deadpan glance made Jorge laugh.

“Shouldn’t you be in bed, anyway?” Vale tried to get out the situation. “Why are you so old you don’t have any energy past 11pm?” “You did not-“ “I think we will leave you to discuss this” Dani decided and stood up. They quickly said their good-byes, once more promising and reassuring the non-humans to never talk about what they’ve just heard. They would also not treat them any different.

As they left the motorhome with the number 46, they were both thinking about what they just heard. Dani went over everything. He remembered seeing Luca in his wolf form for the first time. The way Jorge had immediately stood in front of him. Suddenly another thought crossed his mind. “Jorge… Didn’t you said you were afraid of dogs?” causing the younger one to blush.

A few years later they would meet a changed werewolf. A young man, born human that had been turned into a werewolf a few years prior. He told them that it was possible to heal any injuries with the change if they weren’t too severe. That’s how he had been changed. _____

Alex had listened silently. He hadn’t really reacted to Dani’s words. He had simply let him talk and not interrupted. But now they had finished. He was expected to answer. He was supposed to give them a reaction. He considered telling them that they were sick bastards for making this shit up. He felt like he was being mocked. Like he was just a child, being told not to worry about something cause a magical saviour would give him his brother back.

As if werewolves were real. He had never heard anyone talk about supernatural creatures as if they were real. Not even Luca. He had even joked about it before. Last October, he had laughed about Alex when he was putting up Halloween decorations. He had helped him cause he loved spooky season as much as he did, but hadn’t he taken the false teeth of his vampire costume and made jokes? Hadn’t he called Alex childish (in a loving way) for sometimes still wishing to be able to believe in a world like that. He had.

The thought that during all that, Luca was part of such a world that did in fact exists… It hurt him in a way he had never considered. After all, hadn’t they promised complete honesty? They had seen too many relationship crumble under it and now their own…

Alex wasn’t even sure if they were still together. He wanted to keep referring to him as his ex, as he did early, but now that the rage had settled and he had caught a glimpse of the other side of the story, he wasn’t so sure anymore. After all, Luca had only tried to help him and Marc.

In his own, weird way. But the question why he hadn’t simply be honest remained. He understood that Luca was being careful but if he had intended to change Marc, he would have inevitably known, sooner or later. So why wait? Did he not trust him? Or them?

The more he thought about it, the more did the pictures return. Luca just standing there, his hands red. Marc slowly bleeding out. The emptiness and shock he had felt. The mix of wanting to be held by Luca for comfort and wanting to hit him as hard as he could. Luca had almost killed Marc. He had almost taken the person away that Alex spent every day with. But he did it so he could get him back.

He sighted softly, wishing he could shut his brain out. Just for a few seconds. He simply needed a short silence.

He looked at Jorge and Dani. They were looking at him with serious eyes. He returned the glance. They still expected to hear him laugh or curse or show any reaction. He wanted to satisfy him. Maybe answering helped him sort his emotions as well.

He didn’t look at Marc. He didn’t dare to. He was afraid of what he might see.

They were not kidding. He knew that now. The feeling of being mocked slightly disappeared. They told him the truth. Alex had agreed to try and changed his brother. He was the one that asked them to do it. He had basically asked Luca to do it. He had begged for an escape. He had done this to his own brother.

Then a hand grabbed his arm.

“A-Alex?” The familiar voice almost chocked on the word.

[obsidianmoonkitten]

I have so many worries about myself. I have been sick since October. With one thing or another. If anyone even looks sick, I get it. No questions asked.

Cold, flu, pinkeye, you name it I have it. Caught pinkeye twice now. I don't understand.

I'm also a germ freak. I wash my hands constantly, Lysol and I are buddies.

I'm a housewife. I do all the chores and take care all around the house. How am I getting sick so much? I don't have time to leave.

I have a little one that goes to school. Yes, that should explain some of it. They have friends, they get sick, then they bring it home to me. But still. Every time? Some sort of illness since October? It is Jan 7th now. I need this to end...

The Drs. don't really know what's wrong. Just that I may have crap luck? I feel like that's bullshit. Because you think I'd get sick like a normal person. No no. I get sick and my body starts overreacting to being sick, so it works overtime. Which in the end. Hurts my body more. Which causes me to be sick longer and suffer. I feel like my body is beating itself up constantly.

I need to see a witch or something at this point. Go to church?? Pray for good health? Idk. I am desperate. I want to be able to talk without hurting my throat. I want to not cough and hurt my ribs. I want to stop being afraid of touching things and getting sick. I want to stop having tissues with me. Before you ask about allergies. My Dr hasn't gotten to that yet. So bare with them.

If you think it's my diet. I wish it was. An easy fix, right? I don't like sweets, I don't like soda, carbs terrify me but I eat them within reason not to neglect my own body. I like my veggies and my protein. My daily Vitamins. My favorite food is soup and salad. I feel like I should be so much more healthy.

What is going on with me? I do what the Dr says. I take all these pills and stay away from foods he tells me. The word of a Dr is God at this point for me. Just so my husband can have some comfort in knowing something is being done. I'm driving him insane with worry. I can't even comfort my own family... That role has been taken from me. I am stuck in a room forced to rest and get better. I appreciate it. I don't want them to get I'll either. But it can get very lonely so quickly...

No smoking, no drinking. I am a fairly clean person. Drugs and alcohol are rarely not in people's lives. Me? I just excluded them. Why risk it? I don't want to be in bed any longer than I am most days....

I do have insomnia, I think. My Drs were going to start helping me figure that out before I got sick. But then I did. So they have to prioritize one thing over the other. I'll be over here sick with the flu and be awake for 3 days straight. Unable to doze off. Because who knows what illness I'll have tomorrow.

I miss going out and riding my bike and being around my garden. I miss going to the grocery store without getting weak after a few minutes. I know my husband agreed to " in sickness and in health" but this isn't what I wanted. I wanted him to have a partner that could stand beside him... Not a bedridden one. I feel utterly useless and helpless...

I can't actually live in a hamster ball, can I?

[thesoulesscollection]

Valiant Together (Request; Stickvin)

Request: So Charles x Henry, with the Valiant Hero timeline, but with a small twist

Basically, Henry remembers the different timeline endings and had gone through the Valiant Hero ending before, so he's just going along with it until they get to the Escape Pods. Henry seems to freeze and stands there for a bit till the Tophats get there (the one that dragged Henry out of the Pod and.... ya know) and once he hears them he immediately shoves Charles into the pod and shuts it. Henry does survive cuz I do want some happiness and not just endless angst

I had two different versions from that point in my head, and I'll just throw them out (you don't have to use either one, just givin' it out) which are this: 1. Charles actually grabs Henry and pulls him into the pod as well before the doors close, or 2. Henry gets into another pod in time.

Tw/Tags: Valiant Hero Au - Charles Survives, Henry Stickmin Knows About Alternate Timelines, Henry Stickmin Has Ptsd, Supportive Charles, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, & Hopeful Ending

As the loud fiery explosion of the Toppats orbital station settled down to a light sizzle in the empty vacuum of space neither man managed to say much during their descent back to Earth.

"That. That wasn't the greatest of plans…" 

Taking in deep, shallow breath, Henry shakily nodded, turning to face the man who sat on the opposite side of the pod with him. 

"It wasn't. At all" Rubbing his scrunched up face over and over again Henry shook off the awful nagging feeling bubbling up in his stomach. "Are you alright?" 

"Oh yes. I am. I'm totally fine. Don't worry about me" Charles weakly smiled, lazily swinging his legs. 

"You were right though earlier. That wasn't the smartest move on either of our parts… We could've gotten hurt or died back there. We almost did…" 

"But we didn't, did we?" 

Dropping his hands onto his lap with a soft thump Henry slipped a frustrated sigh past his lips, "Still. It matters. What if something bad were to happen to you and I couldn't do anything about it? I wouldn't be able to live through that pain again"  

"Again? Henry... I don't understand?" The pilot stood up and he struggled to stay still due to the pod's natural shakiness, "I know you're scared. I am too. Shitting bricks to be honest" 

Somehow managing to walk over without falling was a success in Charles' book as he plops down beside Henry, placing his hand delicately on the man's lap. 

"You can talk to me. We have time before we land" Looking at Henry with big puppy eyes, he knew it was working in making the ex-thief relax. 

"It's difficult to explain" Immediately he grasped at Charles' hand, squeezing it lightly to ease his nerves, "Well, I've been having these… Recurring nightmares… They're mostly about you. You dying in situations like this and I couldn't do anything to stop it" 

Swallowing the sickeningly bile down his throat Henry stared out the clear window unable to bear the thoughts swimming in his mind. "The most recent…" Now he was struggling to find the right words that for a split second he grew tense, voice croaking at the next sentence, "... It was like this. You were left behind. I was stuck here… I can only help but to watch helpless as you die in that exact explosion" 

Serious in a way Henry had never seen on Charles before when he turned to face the pilot, he was uncertain whether what was said was the correct move, "I'm sorry you have to deal with that, Hen. The only thing I can say is that we're here. Safe and still kicking. And I won't go anywhere, I'll make sure. You can never ever get rid of me"   

His stern facial expression then changed dramatically to a softer look that Henry was much more familiar with, fonder if he puts it as he nudged a bit nearer, "Good. I wouldn't know what to do in the case you leave. I care too much about you" 

Allowing to rest his head on Charles' shoulder Henry slumped his exhausted figure against the man, eyelids were growing in growing exhaustion. 

"You're everything to me, Char. I have dreams too with you in them. I wish they were real. They feel so real" He yawns in his hand. 

"Hm. Is that so?" Charles tiredly hums, seemingly exhausted as well yet somehow stays awake wrapping a protective arm around him drawing them closer, "I like you too. Maybe if you want when we get back to Earth… We can possibly do something together? After we get sorted, that is and get a good night's rest in you"

"Yeah. That would be so nice" 

"Good. That's a date then" 

[littlepadika]

Calling Home (5) | Frankie Morales x Reader

Summary: You are a receptionist at the VA. Frankie Morales keeps calling. Yearning ensues…

Rating: E (18+ only)

Warnings: age gap (legal), dilf!frankie, praise kink, voice kink, size kink, low self esteem, discussion of addiction/ptsd/trauma/triggers, divorce drama, no use of y/n, no beta reader, DDLG🎀, unprotected piv sex, oral m and oral f, hickies galore👅, mild BDSM (cuffs⛓, choking).

Masterlist here

AN: Whatta ride... but all things come to an end🥺. i'm blown away by the support for this fic. Thank you all 💕.

Chapter Five

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Frankie had his own mental list of stuff he needed to do before you would arrive. He dunged out his closet to make room for your clothes. It was long overdue. He had a lot of things he didn’t wear anymore that needed to go. He went out and bought some more plates and silverware since his two plates and Rosie’s plastic plates would not do. He no longer looked around his home with a sense of loneliness, now he pictured all the places you could fit in. He could see you reading by the window in the living room so he bought a comfy new chair to put there. He noticed your small plant collection in your apartment and thought you’d maybe like a bigger one in the back yard so he bought a planter box.

He was reading your novel, titled Our Little Kingdom, while your candle burned. You didn't give it to him at first. While you were in the bathroom and Frankie washed your dishes, he noticed a stack of papers poking out in the trash. It was your manuscript. When you came back and saw him reading it you tried to take it back but Frankie insisted and you caved. It was good. Frankie wasn't just saying that because he loved you. He could see how great writers had influenced you and still it was uniquely your voice. The story, too, was compelling. He couldn't help but imagine you as the protagonist as she was just as sweet and clever.

You were making good progress on your list. You had put in your two weeks notice and started to applying to jobs in Miami. You enjoyed working with veterans so you hoped you could do something similar again. As two weeks went by you were disappointed you still hadn't heard back from job interviews. Packing was a little more difficult. You didn’t know what was worth taking and what was worth leaving. You knew Frankie had most everything already so it was a matter of picking your most special things. The rest you were slowing taking to Goodwill in batches.

You had completely forgotten you sent your book in to publishers until a flurry of emails came in on the same day.

Frankie woke up in the middle of the night to his phone ringing. He sat up pulling the phone towards him. It was you. Why would you be calling so late? Maybe something was wrong?

“Frankie?” You sounded congested. He heard a sniffle. Frankie furrowed his brow at that.

“Hey. Is everything all right?”

“ They-they-“ you could barely get it out “they rejected me.”

“Who?”

“All of them. All of the book agencies.” You threw yourself onto your bed, hot tears running down your face.

“Oh no! I’m so sorry, sweet pea.” Frankie didn’t know whether to be sad or angry. He thought your book was amazing. He sat up and flicked on the bedside lamp. “They’re idiots. Every one of them.”

“They’re experts, Frankie.” You felt more tears leak from your eyes. “Maybe I’m just not a good writer. Maybe-Maybe-" You hiccuped and low cry slipped from your mouth. You covered your mouth, taking in raking breaths. It was agony to admit this to him when he believed in you most. You felt like you had let him down. Frankie's heart literally ached in his chest as he listened to your quiet weeping over the phone. He waited for you to continue, feeling his own eyes grow misty.

“Don’t disappear on me, little pea. Let me hear that voice of yours.”

You were unable to speak. Scared of what may come out. You felt like your walls were closing in around you and mocking you. How did you ever think you could be a writer like all your favorite authors? You were so stupid, you thought.

“I let you down.” You said shakily.

“No no no, little pea.” Frankie said quickly. “You could never let me down. I don’t need to a book agent to tell me you’re a good writer. I know you’re writing is beautiful and perfect. Just like you.”

His praise caused another wave of tears from you.

“Daddy…” You bawled.

“I hear you, baby.” Frankie heard his own voice shake with emotion. He never hated the distance more than he did in this moment. He needed to wrap you up in his arms. “Close your eyes, sweet pea. Use that big imagination of yours. Pretend I’m there with you.”

“Imagination isn’t good enough, daddy.” You blubbered, fat tears slipping from your eyes.

“I know, baby.” Frankie’s heart was breaking. “But try for me okay?”

You clamped your eyes shut and tried to focus in on his breathing on the other end of the phone. Frankie did the same, closing his eyes.

“Good, sweet pea. Focus on daddy.” He wished he was there to comfort you, wrap you up in his arms and shield you from the cruel cruel world. “I’m next to you. I’m holding you so tight.”

“Hold me tighter!” You begged holding your pillow pet to your chest.

“Okay. I just did.” Frankie whispered closing his eyes as if it would be more real. “Feel that?”

“Yeah…” A moment went by as you steadied your breathing. Tears eventually stopped falling, drying against your cheeks. Frankie’s steady breathing anchored you.

“I loved your book. It was really really good. And fuck it, I’ll publish it myself.” Frankie couldn't help but raise his voice.

“Silly.” You sniffled.

“I’m serious, sweet pea. Who needs those stuck up assholes.”

“Hmm yeah, you’re right.” You agreed, voice softening with sleepiness. You pushed your face into your pillow. You could still smell Frankie if you really focused. "I miss you, Frankie."

"I miss you, too."

"I still haven't heard from any jobs. And- maybe I'm just not good enough and-" You felt more tears fill your eyes.

"Shhh shhh" Frankie interrupted "Listen to me. You are the best. The right thing will turn up i'm sure of it."

"But it's the only thing left on the list!"

"I know..." Frankie pulled over your copy of the list that you wrote for him. He had crossed things off as you reported to him. "Let's see if they get back to you tomorrow." Maybe he was being too hard on you, making you get a job first. He only wanted to put it on there to give you some independence over the move. He didn't want you to feel like you had nothing to do once you got here.

Frankie waited until your breathing evened out. He called your name quietly. When he got no response he assumed you fell asleep. He didn’t want to hang up. He missed you so fucking much and he felt helpless.

When he woke up the next morning, he said goodbye to Rosalia as usual, called in sick, and started driving north. Fuck the list. You were coming home with him now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of course Frankie called you telling you he was on his way. You felt bad for making him miss work but your excitement overpowered any guilt. You set a timer for 14 hours and started packing with new energy. Your eyes were still puffy from your tears last night. But you repeated what Frankie said like a mantra. Who needs those stuck up assholes. There were tons of ways to self publish nowadays. It didn’t have to be through a publishing house.

When you ran out of things to clean up and pack, you watched out the window waiting to see Frankie’s blue pick up. You had changed into sleep shorts and a t shirt. While you had a plan to dress more sexy you ended up accidentally packing that surprise in one of the boxes earlier today. It was getting dark when Frankie finally pulled up. He looked exhausted but still… Frankie. He was wearing his favorite hat and grey t shirt. You ran down to the street to meet him. He’s pulling empty boxes from the bed of the truck when he sees you sprinting towards him.

“Sweet pea!” He smiled as you launched yourself into his arms. “Oof.” You buried you face in his shirt inhaling his scent. He rubbed your back affectionately enjoying having you back in his arms. “Aw… it’s okay. It’s okay now.” He murmured when he heard you sniffle. He oddly felt his chest swell with pride at how much you missed him. He never had to worry about how you felt about him. He peeled your head off him by stroking your head. You looked up at him with a watery smile. “You ready to blow this popsicle stand?”

You snickered at his dad phases. “I’m ready. Well… I still have some stuff I need to pack up. Too heavy.”

“That’s what I’m here for.” Frankie kissed you chastely. You pulled him in for more though, fisting his shirt in your hands. “Mmm no no. Work first. Play later.” Frankie pulled back. You pouted but have to agree with his logic. The faster you packed the faster you could leave.

Back in your apartment Frankie got to work taking apart your bed and dresser. You finished packing your clothes and dusting.

“Hey what’s this? It was under the bed.” Frankie walked over holding a gift bag with pink tissue paper sticking up.

“Oh…” You quickly grabbed it away. “That’s supposed to be a surprise. For Rosie.”

“You got her a present?” Frankie was touched by your thoughtfulness.

“Yeah I mean… I figured it might make her like me more.”

“She already likes you, but she can never have too many toys.” Frankie stepped further into your space. You realize at that moment how sweaty he was from moving all the furniture. It was so late at night and you were both exhausted but the sudden rush of his thicker smell made you feel wide awake. “Can I see what you got her?”

You handed the package back over, watching him gingerly move the tissue paper to the side. His eyes softened when he saw the pink unicorn pillow pet sitting in the bag. A mini version of yours.

“Am I too presumptuous making us matching? I don’t know if she likes unicorns and-" Frankie cut you off, dropping the bag and kissing you up against the wall. He wasn't even sure what part of that turned him on, just your sweetness and wanting to be a part of his family. He held your face in his hands, his grip forcing your mouth open. You felt yourself start to grow wet. You loved when he just went caveman on you. Sometimes he didn’t have the words to express how much he loved you so he reverted to touch; to deep kisses and deep thrusts. His hands trailed down your exposed legs so he could lift you up on his hips. You held onto his shoulders as he swung you around. The bed was gone, the couch was gone.

"Fuck. Hang on."

You laughed as he ran you out to the kitchen to set you down on the counter. You pawed at his pants trying to undo his belt, but Frankie was faster, unhooking your bra from under your shirt and then pulling your shirt over your head. He took your hand and placed it over his large bulge between his legs.

“Feel what you do to me…” He gritted through his teeth his chest rising and falling sharply.


“Frankie- oh my god-please let me” You pulled he belt loose. At first he stops you. “I didn’t get to last time. Please?” He bit his lip considering your plea. He really just wanted to give and give and give to you. But he had been mean last time, not letting you touch his cock. So this time he doesn’t stop you as you unbutton his pants and pull him out of his boxers. You licked your lips as his cock fell into your hand, curving up towards you.

You hopped off the counter, getting onto your knees before him. “Take off your shirt… please?” He obliged. You kissed down his belly feeling it tighten against your lips. He watched you with fire in his eyes, his mouth slightly parted. You pushed the rest of his pants and boxers down. You stroked him slowly with both hands.

“You have to tell me what you like…” You held his cock and licked a long stripe from the base to the head making him moan weakly. You repeat the motion adding a few kitten licks at the end, lapping up the stray drops of salty precum. Frankie was struggling to think let alone speak. He gripped the countertop above you, his other hand going to the back of your head.

“Just- go slow.” You followed his instructions, slowly taking his length in your mouth. “Good-good girl.” He clenched his jaw staring down at the sight. Your hot mouth felt like heaven and your innocent eyes staring up at him was just the cherry on top. You took his dick as far as you could before you choked lightly. You were by no means an expert at giving blowjobs but you were frustrated you couldn't go further. Your jaw was already aching from his girth.

“Mm don’t hurt yourself, baby.” He hissed unable to hold his hips still, he jerked a little against you making you whine. “Come back up, remember to breathe.”

You slowly pulled off his cock before going down again. Frankie’s hand on your head gently guided you so you didn’t hurt your throat. You added suction, applying pressure on the underside of his cock. You started to find what he liked based on his sounds. You still couldn’t take him all the way in your mouth, tears gathered in corner of your eyes from the effort. Your hand pumped the rest that wouldn’t fit.

“Oh fuck.” Frankie gasped his hips jerking again making his cock slide back into your mouth. You moved one of your hands to his hips looking up at him to say it was okay. “Are you-you want me to fuck your mouth, sweet pea?” You nodded eagerly. You put one of you hands on his length where he wouldn’t fit. He gathered up some of your hair in a makeshift ponytail and slowly thrust into your mouth. Like he always did, he waited for you to nod and give him the okay. When you did, he couldn’t help the growl that left his throat. Drool leaked from your mouth onto your chest as he sped up using your head more forcefully. You were sure you had soaked through your panties. It turned you on so much to see him take control, use you for his pleasure, but still his grip on you was firm and gentle. Every grunt went straight to your pussy. “Such a good girl letting me use this hole, too.” He rasped. “You’re crying around my cock.”

“Mmhm” You hummed around his dick making him groan. He was close. He was battering the back of your throat. You could recognize the furrowed brow and the tightening of his balls. You intensified your ministrations.

“Good girl, good-I’m gonna cum in your little mouth.” He pulled out of your mouth with a wet pop. “Stick out your tongue, sweet pea.” He ordered. You obeyed, watching greedily as he fisted himself harshly the tip of his cock hitting your tongue. You placed your hands on either side of his tummy, anticipating his load. His chest was flush and his eyes were fluttering shut. When he came he yanked your head up harshly as cum splashed onto your tongue. You loved this perspective, watching his face contort with pleasure. You tried to take every drop but some dripped down your chin. “Swallow.” Frankie ordered roughly still maintaining his grip on your head. You swallowed, his warm cum sliding down your throat.

“Thank you, daddy.” You smiled up at him, wiping some of the stray cum off your chin. He let go of your hair, now stroking your head then your jaw. “Did I do well?”

“So good.” He chuckled and helped you stand, his breath still ragged. You squirmed pressing your thighs together. The move not missed by Frankie. “Did sucking my cock make you wet, sweet pea?”

You nodded shyly before saying “It’s okay though. You don’t have to-it’s late and we have a long drive tomorrow.”

“You’re always looking out for me but what kind of man would I be if I left you all needy. But you have to ask for it, sweet pea.”

“I kinda just want your mouth if that’s okay?” You asked feeling too tired for a full round of sex.

“Of course.” Frankie smiled. “Your mattress is still in the bedroom.” He led you in and helped settle you on the center of the mattress. He pulled your shorts and underwear off, staring at your slick reddened pussy. "You soaked your little panties, sweet pea. Did you touch your little flower while I was gone?" Frankie asked, pulling apart your legs.

"I-I tried to. But it wasn't the same."

"How come, little pea?" His patronizing tone had your cunt clenching. He was teasing you.

"It wasn't your fingers. I needed you." You huffed, trying to push his head down onto you.

"Mmm poor thing." Frankie chuckled, the rich sound giving you goosebumps. He felt his cock start to harden again despite you just sucked the soul out of him moments ago. He slowly licked up your slit moaning at the taste of you. Your head tipped back as he he slowly inserted a finger into you. "Eyes on me." He instructed. You forced your head back down so you could make eye contact. "Play with your tits for me." You obeyed, squeezing the flesh in your hand. He returned to his task, taking your clit in between his lips, quickly escalating your climax. Your hands never stood a chance. He inserted a second finger, curling it against you. They were so thick and long it hit that spot deep inside you it made you gush.

"Oh my god. Daddy-I'm-" You teetered on the precipice your breath caught in your throat. Your entire body erupted in flames as your mouth open in a silent scream. Frankie's eyes widened as your pussy strangled his fingers before fluttering uncontrollably. Your cum dripped onto his hand, he quickly replaced his fingers with his tongue trying to catch it all.

"That's it." He felt you finally take a shaking inhale. "Breathe, sweet pea. Breathe." Exhaustion hit you hard as every muscle relaxed.

"I'm sleepy..." You slurred.

"It's okay. You can go to sleep." Frankie leaned up kissing you, smearing your slick all over your mouth. He returned to licking your pussy less aggressively though. "I got you."

You nodded before drifting off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning you dump the last of your stuff at goodwill, packed the truck, turned in your key, and hit the road. You were bouncing in your seat with excitement. You hadn’t ever traveled south of DC. The landscape was beautiful. You and Frankie took turns driving, belting Fleetwood Mac on repeat. You forced Frankie to take obligatory selfies to remember the journey at rest stops or whenever the view was worthy. Over halfway to Miami you paused at a rest stop for a quick nap. Frankie was anxious to get you home and he didn’t want to stay put for too long. He was used to long drives and quick naps, but you weren’t. He didn’t want to exhaust you because there was so much he wanted to show you when you arrived. You laid across the backseat of the truck with your head in Frankie’s lap as the sun was going down.

In the early morning Frankie finished the drive. His own excitement increased when he was back in the city. You had your head nearly sticking out of the window looking at everything. You couldn’t believe how sunny and warm it was here. Frankie turned down a residential street. “Almost there.” He said. You buzzed in your seat.

Frankie made one last turn into a driveway. You instantly got warm feelings looking at the house. It was painted seagull grey with white trim. It was wonderfully symmetrical with two windows on the first and second floor with window boxes outside the first floor window. The front yard was nicely mowed.

“Your house is so cute!” You hopped out of the car, your legs enjoying the chance to stretch. The air smelled slightly salty being so close to the beach. The sun felt wonderful on your skin. You could have laid down in the grass and just fallen asleep.

Frankie showed you around his house with your hand in his, pointing out random things of importance in his giddy state. You followed him around with bright adoring eyes. Despite looking forward to this moment for a while, you barely looked at anything except for him. You could care less about where the tile for the fireplace came from. You didn’t remember Frankie’s story about how Will messed up his back moving in Frankie’s couch in because it was hitting you over and over again that you were home with Frankie. You didn’t pay attention to the story behind Rosie’s crib because Frankie was here with you. His warm hand holding you close like you may disappear. He was here with that damn cute excited voice as he showed you around his home, soon to be your home.

“Sweet pea? Earth to sweet pea?”

“Hmmm?” You smiled apologetically. Standing in the kitchen, the sun pouring in from the window above the sink bathed Frankie in golden light making him look ethereal.

“I said- we should start moving boxes in before it gets dark.”

“You haven’t shown me everything yet.” You realized.

“What did I miss?”

“Your room…” You swung your entwined hands back and forth.

“Our room, sweet pea.”

“So I won’t be sleeping on the floor?” You laughed.

“Never.” He kissed you briefly. “I just haven’t cleaned up in there and I need to make some space for your stuff and-“

“Frankie.” You quiet his rambling with another kiss. You couldn’t stop kissing him. “Your house is immaculate. That’s the room I want to see.”

He swallowed harshly before he led you up the stairs and down the narrow hallway to his room. While showing you the garden and the other rooms he was giddy but now he seemed more flustered. When you opened the door you could see why. Your candle was sitting on his bedside table. It was the first thing you saw when you walked in.

You immediately break away from him, going to inspect his bedside table. Glimpses of Frankie that made you love him all the more. Your candle, your books, your list, his sergeant pin, and an old alarm clock.

“Was this what you’re so embarrassed about?” You asked picking up the candle. It was almost used up. He averted his gaze. The back of his neck bright red which you recognized as a sign of his nervousness. “Frankie…” You set it down and took both his hands in yours. You couldn’t even convey what it meant to you. He had missed you that much that he burned your candle.

“I have the real thing now.” He said pulling you against his chest, dragging his nose over your cheek in reverence. You hummed in contentment. “This is our room, sweet pea. Our home.” He whispered.

“Our bed.” You added moving his hands to rest on your ass, wrapping your own around his neck.


“Eager girl.” He tutted, kissing just below your ear, squeezing your ass lightly.

“I can’t help it. I’ve waited so long, Frankie.” You tilt your head up resting your forehead against his.

“You’ll never have to wait again, princesa pea. I’m here.”

“Then I want you now.” You tugged him towards the bed. Falling down onto his comforter you were hit by a puff of his scent. Laundry detergent, old spice, and that indescribable musk that was Frankie. You barely got a chance to enjoy it before Frankie is falling on top of you. You laughed as he pulled you up the bed until you’re against the pillows. He's about to rip your clothes from you but-

“Wait wait- I have a gift for you.” His eyes lit up.

“Frankie…” You smiled “You didn’t have to get me anything.” He pushed away from you, walking over to his dresser. He pulled out a small package.


“Here.” He handed it to you.

You sat up. You felt guilty you didn’t get him a gift. You slowly peeled back the tape trying to save the paper. It was wrapped so nicely.

“Come on, rip it up. It’s just paper.”

“No… I wanna save it.” You argued, pulling it open finally. You stared down at the contents in your lap. It was a book with a pink cover and loopy writing. Our Little Kingdom. “Frankie… this is- this is my book.” You felt your eyes swim with tears.

“I know.” Frankie knelt in front of you. “I read it and it was so good. I wanted to get it bound. I was serious when I said want to publish it. I want to make it happen. But if you don’t want to at least we can enjoy it how it’s meant to be enjoyed.”

You flipped through the pages smelling the fresh paper. You reached the end and noticed Frankie had slipped in something as a book mark. It was a torn half of a check. “This is…”

“The check I tore up. I use it as a bookmark so I thought you would-“

You launched yourself at Frankie, a habit you learned from him when words were just simply not enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you woke up, you were surrounded by Frankie’s scent, warm sun hitting your face. Frankie wasn't there. You heard movement downstairs. You threw on the first shirt of Frankie's you could find. You practically skipped down the stairs, heart leaping when you saw Frankie in his PJ pants and nothing else sitting at the kitchen table. His body was lit up in the morning sun, he looked like a goddamn dream. He was shoveling some cereal into his mouth but he stopped when he noticed you. He still looked so sexy to you in this moment, his strong arms and big hand gripping the small spoon. His chest littered with small hickies you made. You blinked a couple of times wanting to imprint this image into your brain forever.

“What are you doing up so early?”

“The sun woke me up!”

“Shit. I would have made you some breakfast or something.”

“That’s okay.” You smiled going to stand in front of him. You kissed him, licking some of the milk from his lips. Your hands rested on his bare golden shoulders. You loved how wide they were and how solid and warm they felt.

“Mmm is this mine, sweet pea?” He tugged at the Fleetwood Mac shirt hanging down to your thighs.

“No, it’s another boys.” You teased.

“Don’t joke about that, little pea.” Frankie warned with a small swipe to your ass.

“I’m sorry, daddy.” You giggled. “I was only joking. No one else has cool shirts like you.”

“You want some cereal? I can also make eggs or pancakes or-“

“I want-” You slipped your hand over his pants. You could feel his slightly hard cock sitting below. “This.”

“You already had some last night and you still want more?” Frankie groaned his thighs spreading further around you. “I thought you’d be sore, sweet pea.”

“I am.” You admitted kissing him quickly. “but I still want you.”

“Mmm…” Frankie pulled your hand away watching you pout. “I think you need to eat something first.”

“No I don’t!”

“Come on, I’ll let you sit on your special seat.” He tapped his thigh. You debated this. You decided to do what he asked, not wanting to test your luck so early in the day. You hopped up on his lap wiggling back until his semi hard cock was pressed against your back. Your thighs sitting over his legs, your pussy peaking out from his shirt. Frankie rested his big hands on your bare thighs rubbing the skin back and forth. You closed your eyes enjoying his touch. You could feel his breath against your neck as he looked down at the sight.

“Do I look good on my special seat, daddy?” You asked looking up at him.

“Perfect, my little pea.” Frankie smiled. He pulled the cereal over and you popped a bite in your mouth. You didn’t normally like cereal but since Frankie asked…

“Okay, done. I’ve eaten.”

“Woah I hardly call that eating.” Frankie shook his head. He placed a hand on your stomach, fingers splayed out over the entire width almost. He applied a little pressure which had you squirming again. God his hands were so big and warm just above where you needed him. “I can feel little rumblings telling me you’re hungry, sweet pea.” You rock against him more intentionally making him catch his breath.

“Not for cereal.” You bit your lip.

“One more bite, sweet pea. For daddy?” He rubbed his beard into your neck which never failed to make you to laugh.


You took another spoonful of the soggy cereal before looking up at him for approval. He chuckled as you chewed quickly. You looked so cute with your cheeks full. It made cock ache.

“Good job, sweet pea.” He smirked when you swallowed it all. He lowered his hand down to cup your pussy which was already dripping. You hand flew to his thick forearm.

You melted against him as he rubs your clit slowly. Last night was hurried and desperate but now it was like he had all the time in the world. You listened to him take large inhale against your neck, smelling you.

“You look so beautiful, sweet pea. In my shirt. In our kitchen.”

“Fuck…” You moaned. His fingers felt so wonderful and thick against you. You fucking loved the sound of that. Ours.

“I’m gonna fuck you on our table.”

He lifted you up with ease, pushing your back down on the table. The sun coming through the window bathed your body in soft light. You looked divine. Frankie had your legs spread wide, tongue on that pussy before you could even blink. “Holy shit. Daddy!” Your hands clenched into fists at your side.

“Sweet pea.” Frankie pulled off, lips wetted by your slick. You blushed under his hot gaze. “Why don’t you pull my hair?”

You whimpered as he took your little fist and put it in his beautiful locks. “I want to but… the last person I was with didn’t like it.” You turned your head to the side trying to hide your embarrassment. His hair felt like silk in your hands.

“Hey-“ Frankie gently grabbed your chin and turned you to look at him. “You don’t have to hide anything from me.” He was leaning over you, invading all your senses, but of course the aspect that hit you hardest was his voice. Soft and reassuring. That rich baritone that made you fall in love in the first place. “Pull my hair, baby, I wanna know how well I treat this pussy. You won’t hurt me.”

You nodded feeling your eyes wet with tears. His affection never ceased to shock you. He kissed you, softening your worried look with each stroke of his tongue. When you were relaxed, he returned to your pussy. He was a fast learner for the times, applying the pressure you needed with his tongue while hitting that spot inside your walls with his fingers. Your hands were laced in his soft hair tugging almost unconsciously.

“Fuck-Daddy" You gasped feeling your breath. Your stomach tightened but you still felt like you weren't quite to your breaking point. "I can't- I need- I need-"

"What, sweet pea, what do you need?" Frankie paused, looking at you struggle above him. You grabbed his hand which was holding your hip and moved it to your throat. "Holy shit." Frankie's eyes widened.

"I need you to push me over-" you struggled to think of how to explain it but Frankie started applying light pressure over your throat making your cunt tighten around his fingers. The strain on your airway finally brought you to the edge. He returned to your clit and didn’t let up even as your walls clamped and gushed around his fingers. Didn’t stop as your back arched off the table, your toes curled, and your hands pulled his hair almost painfully. He let go of your throat when you tapped his wrist and your breath returned ragged and sharp, extending your orgasm. You brushed some of Frankie’s hair from his forehead and he looked up, making eye contact, as his lips suckled on your clit lightly. You didn’t say anything for a moment, feeling your body come down from that peak, basking in Frankie’s loving gaze between your legs. You felt boneless.

“I love you.” You murmured. Frankie surged up, capturing your lips in a wet kiss. He pulled back and kissed the happy tears falling from your eyes that you didn’t realize had fallen.

“I love you, too. I’m never letting you go.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m home.” You wrapped your legs around his waist, needing to feel that promise inside you. Needing his promise filling you up.

“Are you sure you’re not too sore?”

“I’m sure.” You ran your hand through his hair, now addicted to the feeling of it.

Frankie slowly eased himself into your pussy. It was harder without lube. You winced a little once he was fully inside. Fuck he was so big.

"Am I hurting you?" Frankie felt bad and started to pull out.

"No please." You arched your back trying to hold him inside. "I'm okay. I want- I want-."

"Sweet pea..." He bit his lip as he struggled to resist thrusting into you.

"And if I can't walk- then you can carry me." You wiggled your hips. Frankie couldn't help but laugh at that not that he minded carrying you around. "Please, daddy." You asked one last time as you dug your heels into his lower back. Frankie placed his hands on your waist and started fucking into you slowly, withdrawing almost all the way out before thrusting back in again.

“I’m so proud of you… taking my cock like a good girl.” He kissed you softly, moving to kiss a train down your neck to your nipples and back up. "You're home now." You nodded in agreement. "This is our little kingdom, sweet pea.” Your shallow breaths slowly transformed into moans. You felt your muscles relax a little and signaled he could start moving faster.

Needless to say the cereal on the table shook and spilled as he fucked you. Spilled milk on your table. His cum spilled inside you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Frankie enjoyed hosting so much since Rosie’s birthday he wanted to have a Fourth of July barbecue. With your help he took the decorations to the next level. Hanging fairy lights over the patio, and renting a bouncy castle for the kids. In an act of irrational niceness, you had said it was okay if Laura came by, that way Rosalia would be there too.

Frankie was clear he had no desire to hide you. He wanted to show you off. Still, you dreaded meeting Frankie's ex. Rosalia had warmed to you quickly even preferring you to hold her. You already loved her so much. Today she wanted you to follow her everywhere and watch her play. Frankie was stuck behind the grill but he still could watch his girls playing. You were wearing a lovely red sundress which Frankie was looking forward to stripping off. It brushed your thighs in the breeze and it was perfect height for Rosalia to tug on when she wanted to be picked up.

“You’ve done a great job with the decor.” Laura appeared at Frankie’s side.

“Thanks.” Frankie smiled tightly. Her surprised tone confirmed that she always underestimated him.

“You’ve been happier lately.” Laura studied Frankie.

“I guess.” Frankie shrugged turning one of the hot dogs for something to do.

“It just has me remembering the old days. Before everything with you happened.” Frankie prickled at that last statement. Everything with you. She always put it on him totally forgetting how she also made things worse.

“Frankie?” You appeared at his other side, eyeing Laura warily and doing little to hide your dislike. You had seen from yards away how Frankie tensed up, looking down. You wouldn’t let that slide so you went over. Finally removing your glare from his ex wife you look up at him, laying a reassuring hand over his forearm. “Uh- people are getting hungry. How soon until it’s done?”

“It’s ready now.” Frankie smiled down at you, instantly feeling more at ease. His answer let you know he was okay.

“Great I’ll wrangle everyone.” You smiled before darting back to the crowd.

“Who is that?” Laura frowned. “Someone's babysitter?”

“No.” Frankie shut off the grill facing his ex wife face to face. “She’s my girlfriend.”

“Girlfriend?” Laura sounded skeptical. “She’s 12.”

“She’s a woman.” Frankie corrected her. “A woman I love very much.” He wasn’t going to listen to anyone look down on you.

“You should have talked to me before you brought her around Rosie.” Laura huffed, putting a hand on her hip.

“You had no problem parading your boyfriends around during our divorce.” Frankie shot back quickly looking to make sure they couldn’t be heard. “It’s in the court records so I doubt you want to bring it up.”

“Frankie…” Laura seemed to regret what she said.

“Let’s just… move on.” Frankie said as people started to draw near.

“Papa!” He heard Rosie squeal, toddling towards him.

“Rosie!” He picked her up, his anger instantly melting away. “Ready for your hot dog?”

As Frankie and the others started filling up their plates Laura crept closer to you as you were cleaning up some of the kid’s mess by the pool.

“Excuse me. I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Laura.” She extended her hand. She was taller than you. Her face was tight as if she was holding in her sneer.

“Hi.” You decided to be nice, shaking the woman’s hand. You introduced yourself.

“So… you and Frankie. “

“Yes.”

“How long has that been going on?”

“A few months.” You said keeping it vague.

“And it’s going well?”

“Yes.” You grew annoyed by her vague questioning. Obviously it was going well since you were here. Her eyes were the total opposite of Frankie's. Hard and cold and icy blue. You quietly thanked god that Rosalia had inherited Frankie's eyes.

“Hmm he’s not doing that crazy thing anymore?”

“What thing?” You frowned.

“Well one time while we were together he stayed up the whole night because he thought some criminal or something was after us.” Laura laughed cruelly. You wanted to slap her for her lack of sympathy. What was funny about Frankie’s fear? “The psychiatrist said there would be delusions but that was just too much.”

“I think I’ve heard enough.” You snipped, trying to keep at least a polite facade. There were people just a few feet away. You prayed the couldn’t hear.

“Hey I’m sorry.” She schooled her features. “Don’t think I’m cruel. It wasn’t easy being with someone like that. I’m trying to look out for you.”

“Thanks for that. I think I'm good though.” You finished picking up the last pool toy and walked away before Laura could say more. You wanted to turn back and say something mean but you were determined to be the bigger person. You didn’t want to start drama that would hurt Frankie and Rosalia. You spent a good minute in the garage after putting the toys back, positively fuming.

“Sweet pea?” Frankie interrupted your thoughts, joining you in the garage. “Aren’t you hungry?”

"I was just cleaning up.” You said though your hands were empty.

“I saw Laura talking to you.” He watched you warily. Fear lapped at him. What did Laura tell you...“Everything okay?”

“She just… a bitch.” You huffed. Your word choice made Frankie burst out laughing. “I’m sorry I know you married her but how? She’s awful and rude and judgmental.”

“I know.” Frankie quieted his laughter, pulling you into his chest. “It wasn’t meant to last.”

“Because she’s a bitch.” You grumbled into his chest making Frankie laugh again. His tummy bounced against yours with his laughter. You loved it. You thought again about what Laura said. How cruel she had been in the face of Frankie’s PTSD. “If she says one more rude thing I may have to smack her.”

“You’re hot when you’re possessive, you know that?” Frankie smiled tickling your sides. “Come on, we should get back before our guests start to notice.”

“Alright.” You agreed, taking his hand and following him out of the garage. You felt Laura’s eyes on you two when you came back to the yard. Frankie got your burger set up for you before doing his. It’s the simple things that got you going; how giving he is. You tried to hide your blush from the onlookers as Frankie asked you ketchup or mustard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once everyone went home you and Frankie laid out a blanket in the back so you could watch the fireworks happening on the beach a mile away. He was quiet, at least more than he usually is. You didn’t know what to say to reassure him so again you reverted to touch. You placed your hand on his thigh reassuringly.

“Frankie?” You turned to him. “Do you want to talk about anything?”

“No.” He seemed taken aback by your question.

“Okay.” You moved closer to him until you were tucked into his side.

“You mean about Laura.” Frankie said after a moment. “Just- she didn’t say anything to you to make you upset right? She doesn’t get under my skin anymore. I don’t want her to get under yours.”

“She didn’t get under my skin.” You replied. She said nothing to make you insecure, just make you angry at her is all. “I’m just protective of you, you know. It seems like she was awful to you.”

“It’s fine.” Frankie shrugged.

“No.” You moved to sit on his lap, straddling him. “It’s not. You came back from your deployment probably in need of some comfort and all she gave you was judgment."

“She told you about that night.” Frankie hung his head in humiliation. You didn’t deny it. You didn’t want to upset him but part of you knew he should talk about this. Laura shouldn’t be the only one who holds this memory over his head. “It was my first night back. I just- I swore I heard gunfire. I was freaking out. I was probably acting really scary. I thought they came for me and she-Laura called the cops on me.”

“How could she…” You teared up on behalf of Frankie.

“I ran.” He continued, his voice thick. “I stayed a Will’s and calmed down. That was the end of the marriage.” He rubbed up and down your thighs under your dress. It always comforted him. You tried to think of what to say. His wife, the person who was supposed to love him the most, ostracized him and criminalized him.

Frankie was anticipating you to be afraid of him or push him away, but to his surprised you pulled him into a hug, holding his head against your neck like he was a child. He felt a sob rise in his throat and tears wet his eyes. You were so... kind. It was something he was still learning to accept and realize he deserved .

“You’re right.” You took a breath to relax yourself. “It doesn’t matter what she says. You’re mine now. Not hers.” You kissed Frankie on his nose then kissed his mouth.

“Always, sweet pea.” He rubbed his thumb over the area of your brow that furrowed in residual anger.

“I just wish there were some way…” you chewed your lip. “I have these-“ you pulled his dog tags out from where they hung between your breasts. “Reminds me I’m yours.”

“Maybe I need a necklace too.” Frankie smiled squeezing your thighs. That got you thinking…

“Can I try something?” You asked. Frankie nodded looking amused. You tugged at his shirt pulling it over his head. You never got over how broad he was. His toned arms were flexed holding himself up. You leaned forward planting a wet kiss on Frankie’s neck where it met his shoulder.

“Mmm gonna mark me up?”

You nodded and sucked harder till you were satisfied it would leave a mark. Pulling back you admired the red blooming where your mouth had been. It shouldn’t affect you as much as it did but you loved that he had a physical mark from you. He had scars here and there from cross fire and stab wounds. Some he wouldn’t go into detail. You loved them all but for once you wanted him to have a mark born out of love.

“I’m gonna give you a necklace, daddy.” You murmured tracing the path you would forge, down and around to the other side of his neck. You were gonna make hicks all around his neck like a chain. You leaned back down and planted another mark below and slightly to the right.

“Holy shit.” Frankie groaned, tilting his head back. He felt his cock start to harden under your attention. You slowly made your way across his hot skin until you had seven little wet hickies starting to show through the skin. You traced them with your finger, connecting the dots.

Frankie looked down, watching in fascination. His dog tags were a bittersweet thing, symbolizing his commitment to the military, but you wanted them. You wore them proudly, giving him more closure than 100 hours of therapy. But this... this new chain on his skin represented his belonging to you. “Beautiful, baby girl. Thank you.” He kissed you sucking your bottom lip into his mouth. You pulled away before he could deepen it. You start to lean down again like you were going to plant another hickie on him. He pushed you back and rolled the both of you over.

“Daddy! I wasn’t done yet.” You wiggled against the soft blanket.

“No it’s daddy’s turn now.” He pushed the straps of your dress down your arms, tugging your neckline down.

“But I already have a necklace.” You felt Frankie’s dog tags lying in your cleavage.

“Now you’ll have two. I spoil my girl like that.” Frankie teased. He kissed up and down your neck before settling on his starting place. When he started sucking it sent a lightning bolt straight to your clit. You gasped. You could feel him hard against your thigh, not fully yet. You rocked your hips impatiently, clutching his head against you.

“Be patient, baby.” He warned, pausing his work. You stilled your hips with a pout. “Good girl.” He resumed. You wanted to be naughty but you knew you’d never win that fight. Problem was you were loving his attention on your neck so much you couldn’t help but start grinding against his leg again. Your hand reached down and tried to stroke his hardening cock. Frankie pulled back, his lips swollen from giving you hickies. He was only halfway around your chest now.

“You’re being naughty…” Frankie chided, lightly slapping your hand away from him. You continued squirming under his gaze though you at least look apologetic. Frankie pulled away. “You don’t want your necklace?” Frankie pretended to be hurt.

“I’m sorry, Daddy.” You turned on the puppy dog eyes. “Just- your mouth feels so good.”

“If you’re not gonna behave I’m gonna have to make you behave.” Frankie’s mouth curled into a smirk. Your stomach flipped around in excitement. “Sit back up on your knees.” He ordered. You eagerly sat up on your knees, placing your hands on your thighs. Your dress hung around your waist. Frankie stood up and started undoing his belt. You got excited thinking he was going to let you suck his cock but instead he just pulled his belt from his pants and knelt down again. “Remember just say stop if you want to stop.” Frankie reminds you.

You nodded your eyes dilating, staring at the leather in his hands.

“Hands behind your back, baby.” He instructed. You obeyed your knees widening subconsciously. He tied his belt around your wrists. It’s not tight enough to hurt but you certainly could not move your hands without really trying. Frankie licked his lips, staring down at your vulnerable position. “Good little sweet pea.” He cooed. “Now you won’t be able to be naughty. What do you say?”

“Thank you, daddy.” You whispered feeling your cheeks burn at the depravity of your position. The smooth leather of his belt rubbed against your pulse point and Frankie’s smell filled your nose. You’re out in the open. Sure there was a fence but it still heightened your arousal. You were dripping you were sure of it. He knelt before you again to finish his hickies. He held your hair pulling it back to give himself more room.

You tried to lift up your arms multiple times but got stopped by the belt. You whined as he sucked another mark into you and you couldn’t get any stimulation in this position. Frankie let you moan and whine for him but he didn’t stop his mission. He finally pulled back, his hooded eyes evaluated at his work.

“Look at it, baby.”

You looked down at the curved line of hickies running from collarbone to collarbone. “Thank you, daddy, for my necklace. I love it so much.” You looked at his chest. You were matching now. Your lust was momentarily paused as a fresh wave of adoration washed over you. It was so much deeper than sex. Frankie noticed your change in expression and kissed you softly, bringing you back to the moment.

“You sat still for me so good. Now you can ask for what you want.” He strokes your hair softly.

“I wanna-I wanna suck you cock please?”

“Are you sure?” Frankie smiled. “You don’t want my mouth on you or-"

“No.” You shook your head. The emotions swirling in you from lust to love made you hungry for one thing. “I wanna make you cum in my mouth.”

“Fuck.” He groaned before kissing you hard, licking into your mouth. He never had someone as giving and kind and protective of him as you. He could have cried but there was no need because you were his forever. No yearning just living. He reached around to pull off the belt but you stopped him with a small voice.

“Leave it on.”

“Jesus fucking christ.” Frankie stood quickly. You sat up further, your hands still restrained behind your back. Your head was tilted up at him, your dress bunched around your waist, it was the most beautiful fucking sight.

Red blue and white fireworks dazzled the sky above. He picked you up bridal style and carried you inside as quickly as he could while you giggled in delight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things started clicking into place like you were growing along some metaphorical ladder. You were finally where you needed to be. You got a job working at the VA in Miami, running their re-entry program. A small publishing house in Miami loved your book and agreed to publish it for a short run. Frankie took some money out of the Colombia account to cover the rest of the contract. Frankie had the book for sale at the shop pushing it on anyone who would enter. He was so proud of you. And that was all that mattered to you.

Frankie unironically planted sweet pea in the garden, telling you how they are slow to grow, but their delicate flower and sweet smell is worth the wait; just like you. Sweet peas were climbers, with the right support, they would bend to any shape. You knew you could go as high as the sky with Frankie by your side.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Taglist: @floraandfrost @agingerindenial, @heythere-mel, @icanbeyourjedi, @linnie0119, @pedrosmustache, @thisshipwillsail316, @peterhollandkait, @leias-rebelion, @phoenix-of-loki, @prettypedros, @kennedywxlsh, @punkerthanpascal, @the-witty-pen-name, @twentyfirstcenturyfox, @madslorian, @sarahjkl82-blog, @bison-writes, @lightning-fast54, @maievdenoir, @nicolethered, @kenoobiwan, @danniburgh, @janebby, @dihra-vesa, @yespolkadotkitty, @ilikechocolatemilkh, @headinthestarz, @tanyaherondale, @christina-loves, @dobbyjen, @fangirl-316

[winter-soldier-vibes]

I wasn’t there

Bucky x reader

Word count: 2510

Warnings: self harm/self harm scars, little bit of angst, mostly comfort, tears

Summary: Reader self harms and Bucky sees her scars one day on a mission by accident. He feels guilty and wants to help her as much as he can now that he knows. 

Based on the quotes: "Show me your scars, I want to see how many times you needed me and I wasn't there"

A/N: Thank you SO MUCH to the anon who sent this in! Not going to lie I was bawling writing this, I love it so much. This deals with heavy topics and mental health so as always, if you feel that reading this will be harmful to your journey in any way, please feel free to skip it. As always, I am here to talk about anything you guys may need. 

A/N 2: Ok there’s a part at the end that I don’t think is technically canon but it’s rumored and has been talked about before in regards to some of Bucky’s scarring on his left arm. I know it’s not a confirmed canon thing but it honestly works so well and I believe it’s true, please don’t come at me for that. <3

Tags: @buckys2thicc @thatfangirl42 @mardema @stucky-on-spiderman @barnesplums @peggycarter-steverogers @abitgryffindorky @buckfics  @freigeistundanderes  

Main Masterlist 

------------------------------

You trudged back to your room in the compound, exhaustion taking over your body. You had just gotten back from a mission that had taken the life out of you, more so than any others on the team. You had the power to control elements, but whenever you did it drained the energy out of you. At one point you had been surrounded, forcing you to lift the ground around you to knock everyone back. 

It was more than you had ever done at once, and nearly made you pass out. 

You were able to finish the mission, but you were absolutely exhausted, the worried eyes of Steve, Bucky, Bruce, and Natasha looking over at you. Nat was flying the quinjet, but still glanced back at you from time to time. Bruce was there mainly for medical help, as there wasn’t need for a code green. Steve was just Steve, being worried about you as your Captain. And as the friend of your boyfriend.

Bucky meanwhile would not leave your side. He was concerned, even after Bruce had determined you were nothing more than completely exhausted. He insisted on you lying down and him staying next to you. It was nice to know that he cared about you so much, he would do anything to protect you.

Which is what made your heart ache when you saw his face drop when you had said you were fine, and walked off to your room when you had arrived home.

It wasn’t that you wanted to be around him, not at all. It was just that you wanted to take a shower and wash the sweat and grime off of you, and you didn’t want him to see. Not yet, you hadn’t told him yet.

When you closed the door to your room, you peeled off your uniform, exposing your skin littered with scars varying in depth and age. You turned the water on and leaned against the countertop as you took in yourself. 

God, you hated them. 

You had struggled with self harm for a while now, but it was better than it had been before. It had been really bad before you had started dating Bucky. It’s not like it magically went away when you did, not at all, but just being around him made it easier. Him telling you how much he loved you, spending time with you, you helping him feel more secure. You weren’t alone in your head as much, 

He helped and he didn’t even know it. 

You traced your fingers over the most recent ones on your wrist from a few days ago. They had scabbed over by now, but the memory was still fresh in your mind. It was a panic attack in the middle of the night, and you didn’t want to wake anyone. You knew this would help you and it did. It grounded you back to the moment, calming you down as you focused on the stinging sensation rather than the panic. 

You looked down at all the other marks you had made. Most of them were on your thighs, because they were the easiest to hide. It was easier to wear pants in the summer than long sleeves. But you were running out of room, moving to your arms instead, trying to stay away from your wrists. But a few days ago you couldn’t even think about it through your panic attack. Sometimes you couldn’t think about it, being so overwhelmed that you weren’t quite aware of what you were doing until you saw the blood.

 You remembered making every single one of them. They all had a story, a reason. And all of them were different. 

You wanted to tell Bucky, you knew you would have to eventually. The two of you had avoided intimacy up until now, and slept in different rooms unless either of you was having a rough night and asked the other to stay. It wasn’t that you didn't want to be intimate with him, you had been together for months. But you had to tell him about this first

And you couldn’t find a way to quite yet.

You just couldn’t find the right time or words. You didn’t want to scare him off, and you didn’t want him to look at you in the sad, concerned way that people usually do with this sort of thing. You didn’t want to put this on him. And you for sure didn’t want him to blame himself.

You sighed, tearing your gaze from the mirror. You stepped into the shower, letting the warm water wash over you. You stood there like that for a few minutes before you moved to wash your body, taking your time. You had no plans tonight other than going to sleep. 

Bucky had watched you walk slowly back into the tower, wanting to follow you but also wanting to respect your boundaries and space. You were exhausted, but he wanted nothing more than to comfort you the entire night. But you didn’t want him too, and he wanted to respect that.

Still, it broke his heart to watch you limp away. He felt helpless. 

He couldn’t help but wonder if something was wrong with you. The way that the two of you had been together for as long as you had without some form of intimacy. He was patient, he would never want to push you, but he wondered why. Whenever the two of you had a conversation you had seemed to stiffen slightly and get uncomfortable. 

He never pressed it. Just dropped it and hugged you, telling you it was fine to wait. 

But the more time passed, the more helpless he felt. He felt like you were hiding something from it. He just wished he knew what it was so he could better help you. But in a way he understood. Everything that he had gone through - forcing someone to open up usually unintentionally makes them shut down. 

Even so, as he went back to his room he couldn’t stop thinking of you. He took his own quick shower, putting on sweats and a T-shirt before he came to check on you. He just wanted to make sure you were alright.

You had gotten out of the shower yourself, slowly drying yourself off before going back to your dresser to find something comfortable to wear. It was brutally hot and you were exhausted, pulling on a tank top and shorts. You were about to go back to lie down when you heard a soft knock on the door.

You sighed in frustration, closing your eyes for a moment. “Yeh, just a minute,” you said, exhausted, grabbing a pair of sweatpants and a loose sweatshirt to pull over yourself. You walked over to the door and opened it slightly, giving the man in front of you a tired smile.

“Hey Bucky.”

Bucky’s face softened, a small smile spreading on his face. “Hey doll. I - I know you said you wanted some time to yourself but I just wanted to check on you.”

You smirked at him slightly. “I’m just about the same as when we walked off the quinjet Bucky.” You shrugged, tugging your sleeves down - nervous habit. “I’ll be fine, I’m just really tired.”

Bucky looked you up and down quickly. “You sure?”

You hesitated a moment longer than you should’ve, quickly bringing yourself out of it. “Yeah.”

“You don’t sound sure,” he said gently. “Can I stay with you tonight?”

“Look I’m fine, I just want to go to sleep. I’m exhausted.”

“Please? Let me take care of you, it’s been a long day,” he said.

“You don’t have to Bucky,” you started, shaking your head lightly.

“I want to,” he assured you.

Sighing, you opened the door more to let him in. it wasn’t that you didn’t want him to stay, you did in a way. You always slept better with him there. You just really wanted to take off the sweats. But that would mean having a conversation that you weren’t ready for.

Sweat was better than tears.

You climbed into bed and Bucky laid down beside you, wrapping his arm around you. He kissed the temple of your head as you relaxed back against his chest. “Try to get some rest sweetheart.”

You hummed, already feeling exhaustion overtake you as you closed your eyes, drifting off to sleep faster than you ever had.

-----------

You woke the next morning feeling much better than the night before. You shifted slightly, feeling Bucky’s arms still around you. 

“Good morning sleeping beauty.”

“What? What time is it?” you asked sleepily.

Bucky chuckled behind you. “It is almost noon.”

Your eyes widened as you started to sit up. “What? I slept that long? How long have you been awake, I’m sorry -”

“Hey, sweetheart, don’t worry about it. I've been awake for a while but it’s no problem. You needed the rest and I’m glad you got it.”

You hummed again in acknowledgement, reaching your hands up to rub your eyes. What you hadn’t realized was that while you were asleep, your sleeves had ridden up slightly. You never had to worry about your wrists because you had never gone down that low on your arms. 

“Angel, what’s that?” Bucky asked, grabbing your arm gently to get a better look. You took your arm away quickly, tugging your sleeve down. You shook your head and crossed your arms as you stood up. “It’s nothing, really. I’m gonna go shower.”

“It doesn’t look like nothing,” Bucky said, standing and walking over to you. You tensed, and he noticed. “Did someone hurt you?”

“Please drop it Bucky,” you pleaded, still unable to meet his eyes. 

“Y/n I swear if someone hurt you -”

“I did it.” you blurted out, surprising you both. You took a shaky breath, and Bucky felt his heart drop, praying he had heard you wrong. 

“What?” he asked, barely audible. The only noise was your heart hammering in your ears. You swallowed, looking down at the ground and fiddling with your sleeves again. 

“I hurt myself sometimes,” you said with a small shrug. “It helps.”

“With what?” he asked, carefully. 

You met his eyes, tears pricking your own. “Everything.”

Silence. Bucky walked towards you slowly, pulling you into a hug, as you closed your eyes, silent tears falling. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know how to.” you said simply. “I was embarrassed and ashamed, and I didn’t want you to blame yourself.”

He held you tightly, rubbing a hand up and down your back as more tears fell despite you trying to hold them back. “Can I see?”

You pulled back and tensed up, looking at him. “What?”

“Show me your scars,” he said.

You shook your head slightly, confused. “Why?”

“Because I want to see how many times you needed me and I wasn’t there,” he whispered.

You looked at him for a moment. “Bucky, I can’t do that, I -”

“Please y/n,” he whispered. “It’s just me.”

You studied him for a moment before nodding. With shaky hands, you pulled the sweatshirt over your head, dropping it on the floor and resisting the urge to cross your arms. You stepped out of your sweatpants next, keeping your eyes downcast. You heard a sharp intake of breath from Bucky, but you weren’t able to look at him yet.

Bucky felt his heart shatter at the scars littered across your arms. There were so many marks, he didn’t want to even think about how many there were. He felt tears prick his eyes but he knew he had to be strong right now. It pained him how much you were hurting and how oblivious he was. He took your hands in his, you still unable to look at him.

 “I’m so sorry it took me this long to be there for you.”

You shook your head, looking at him. “Don’t do that to yourself, please, it’s not your fault Bucky. You’re the reason it’s not worse.” You turned around and crossed your arms. “ I’m sorry, Bucky, I didn’t know how to tell you. They’re ugly, they’re disgusting. I’m disgusting. Who’s so fucked up that they have to slice open their skin to make themselves feel better? I hate myself more than anyone I’ve ever known. How pathetic is that?” 

“Y/n, can you look at me?”

Trying to blink back tears, you met his gaze again, his eyes glassy. “Your fight is our fight. None of this is your fault, don’t apologize for how you had to fight on your own. I’m here now, okay?” His hand ghosted over your scars. “These scars right here are your battle scars. They tell your story of how strong you are. Never be afraid or ashamed of that, okay?” 

You looked down, still embarrassed. 

“Hey, y/n. It’s okay.”

Before you could respond, Bucky took off his own shirt, something he had never done in front of you. Your eyes found the scars where metal met skin, most of them faded but had obviously been deep. You reached your hand out to trace over his scars.

“When they gave me this arm and they were starting to tortue me I would scratch at it. Whenever I had been out of cryo for long enough I would start to remember and claw at it too, before they wiped me again. I thought I was a monster.”

You shook your head. “No, Bucky that wasn’t your fault, you didn’t ask for Hydra to do all those things to you.”

“You didn’t ask for your mental struggles either. So why are you ashamed?”

“You didn’t ask for the metal arm, you wanted to get rid of it. It wasn’t in your control. This, what I do, I choose to do it every time. It doesn’t feel like a choice but I still pick up the knife.”

“But I bet if you could you would choose to put it down, yeah?” he brushed a piece of hair out of your eyes. “It’s okay y/n. Don’t be ashamed of how you helped yourself survive.”

You nodded, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head and pulled you into another hug. “Don’t apologize for letting me be a part of your story.”

[liptonsbabe]

Remember me [F.O]

Finnick Odair x female! reader

Summary: President Snow hates the reader for some reason. The eyes and ears of the government are everywhere and Finnick fears you will be harmed. It's the two of you against the president's hatred, or the three of you?

Word count: 1.2K

Warnings: none

A/N: Finnick’s fic yay! I hope you’ all like this. This fic it’s finished but is in spanish so if you want to read the whole thing just let me know. As always, english not my mother language so please let me know if something’s wrong. Enjoy!

Chapter 1: A bun in the oven

My breathing pauses as I glance at the alarm clock resting on the stool. It reads two-thirty in the morning and I hold back a snort of exasperation.

I don't want to stir too much as Finnick is clinging to my waist like a koala. I can feel his breath on my neck and his oh-so-possessive grip on my hips. I must get up. I can't take it anymore

I gently remove Finnick's hands so he doesn't wake up, but suddenly he does and looks up at me. His sleepy eyes glaze over and he takes my hand as I sit on the edge of the bed.

“Where are you going?” he asks startled. I smile at him to let him know he has nothing to worry about.

“Relax. I have to go to the bathroom”

He nods and lets go of me, not entirely convinced.

“Don't spend too long”

I get up and grab the robe that's on a chair inside the room. I look at Finnick and notice how he's trying to fall asleep again, but he can't. He’s tense on the bed and closes his eyes only because he has to. I put on my robe and leave the room.

Ever since we started living together in the Capitol, Finnick has been surly as hell; and I don't blame him. He knows better than anyone what you're up against being in the Capitol with no chance of returning to the District. We can't go back to district four for the simple fact that we are mentors for the kids who every year go up against each other in the games. Finnick is scared because he knows that, if either of us messes something up, Snow would know how to remedy it.

Here we are helpless, kneeling at the mercy of President Snow with no way to escape. We are bound hand and foot

Finnick is scared; I can tell by the way he tries to spend most of his time with me and the way he acts like a rabid dog when anyone from the Capitol tries to engage me in conversation. I notice it, in these moments, when he can't stand me leaving him alone and taking too long to make an appearance. Especially now that we are in a house that Snow has given us as a gift.

I go into the bathroom and lean against the sink, lift my face and look in the mirror. Stress has done its thing leaving big dark circles under my eyes and small freckles on my cheeks; my lips are slightly chapped and my skin has lost a tone. I turn on the water faucet and soak my face as if the liquid could dilute the mask of doom this place has put on me.

I do the necessary and wash my hands, look at myself in the mirror again and bring a hand to my belly; there, where my child is growing. I frown worriedly whether I should tell Finnick or not, fearing he might get more hysterical than he already is.

I walk out of the room and am surprised to see Finnick standing in the middle of the room bare-chested and in his crumpled sleep pants. His fists are tense and he clenches his jaw.

“What do you think you're doing?”

“Finnick...”

“I clearly told you not to be late, you've been out of bed for over twenty minutes!” He comes up to me and grabs my shoulders hurting me. I let out a yelp and Finnick ignores it too angry to realize what he was doing.

“I was in the bathroom, Finnick. I didn't even leave this room”

He walks away as he tousles his hair; then I understand he's not angry, but worried. He turns his back to me and places his hands on his hips.

“Don't you understand? We can't stay away from each other for so long," he mumbles, knowing that they might be watching us.

“Really, you're overreacting, Finnick. I was just...”

“I don't care what you did!” he shouts and turns to me “It's the fact that you don't understand the seriousness of the situation!”

We stand in silence for a moment weighing what's going on. Finnick denies and walks over to me, grabs me by the shoulders this time gently and lowers his voice to a whisper

“Please, (Y/N), this is not a joke. We are not in a safe place”

“And when have we ever been?”I shout, too loud for anyone watching us to hear “Come on Finnick! We live in a place where they force little boys to kill each other for the fame and glory the Capitol can give them. This place is not unsafe, the world is”

“I'm talking about here, about this house” he says with a growing concern in his face- (Y/N), are you aware that we have entered the lion's den? For God's sake, we can't even go back to our District anymore.

“There would be no point in doing so, we would still come back every year to be mentors and watch our tributes die. There's nothing we can do, Finnick. Face it, Snow won”

I plop down on the couch leaving Finnick standing in place without saying anything. I tighten my arms over my stomach and lean back a little.

“I can't take it anymore, okay? I can't stand being with you all the time," I say. He looks at me sadly, "I love you. I really do, but this is getting on top of me. It doesn't matter if I'm with you or not, Snow will know the perfect time to attack.”

Finnick looks at me for the thousandth time and walks over. He gets down on his knees in front of me and takes my hands.

“That won't happen as long as I'm by your side, (Y/N). I know it's annoying and irritating that I'm glued to you all day, but it's the only way I have to protect you, do you understand? I can't let them hurt you. You are the only beautiful thing in my life and I don't want that to end because if that happens.... I would be nothing”

His clear eyes crystallize and his lips pucker holding back tears. I caress his face and begin to cry unable to hold back the secret that has been eating away at me. I close my eyes and my tears gain strength.

“Finnick..." I say and look at him. He squeezes my hand and a tear makes its way down his right cheek “I'm pregnant.”

I can notice his grimace of surprise only a few seconds after I let out the news. Finnick looks down, still squeezing my hand and then hides in my belly. I cry even harder and squeeze him against me.

“I'm sorry” I say” I'm sorry, I know this isn't the ideal time for this and I know....

Finnick's lips land on my robe in my stomach area stopping my speech. He begins to caress my belly and his tears wet my legs. Finnick was kissing his son with such fervor that it hurts.

“It's going to be okay," he assures us in a whisper. He looks at me and I notice the reddish hue in his eyes and nose “We'll be fine. Now there will be no one to stop me from my purpose. I will fight for you. I will give my life for you," he swears. And I believe him.