#But anyway. I'm good at not making the spiral other people's problem but it would really be nice to avoid it internally too.

[ante--meridiem]

.

[wazzappp]

I have this. Extremely specific scenario. I like to pull off the daydream bookshelf quite a bit.

After Robbie kills Ivanov, everybody there still like. KNOWS WHERE HE LIVES. So I'm thinking some new motherfucker rises up and is like 'alright were gonna hit him where it hurts. protect future business ventures n' stuff' and sends someone to take Gabe as leverage. Lisa and Robbie have actually managed to TALK about things and once theyr'e on friendly terms again she is once again babysitting Gabe.

Anyway this mob guy shows up and attempts this kidnapping. Lisa manages to get the upperhand with a kitchen knife somehow and just. GOES HAM. LIKE. 'GETS ON TOP OF HIM AND STABS HIM TILL HES NOT MOVING ANYMORE AND THEN JUST A LITTLE EXTRA FOR GOOD MEASURE' GOES HAM. Naturally calls Robbie afterward because WHAT. This guy is clearly MOB AFFILIATED she has NO IDEA what will happen if she calls the police SO PLEASE JUST FUCKING GET HERE AND MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

It's a complete and total clusterfuck all around. For EVERYONE.

Lisa is IN THE MIDDLE OF A CRISIS OK. SHES EARNED A LITTLE FREAK OUT. SHE JUST FUCKING KILLED SOMEONE. Jesus christ why didn't she stop after he was down why did she keep fucking going god what does that say ABOUT HER. Does she feel the right amount of bad about this? She doesent really REGRET it she just wanted to keep Gabe and herself safe. But did she really need to go that far why did she take it that far and SHE WAS READY TO DO IT AGAIN IF SOMEONE ELSE BAD WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR is something wrong with her? please dont let there be something really wrong with her shes tried so hard to be good shes tried SO hard please please she is. spiraling. bad.

Gabe is having... a fucking time of it. This is the second time in two months that someone has been killed right fucking in front of him. At least the first one he was only semi conscious for but still. @moosemonstrous helped develop two GLORIOUSLY, BEAUTIFULLY angsty directions this could go. 1. 'WOW the world is dangerous I'm so lucky that I have people who can protect me. Those guys must have really deserved it.' (bonus points if him and Lisa are still not on the best of terms but this like. endears her to him. jesus christ I love your brain moose thats so cutely fucked up). OR 2. he can go the self blaming route of 'This is the second guy to die. And he died because people were protecting me. Is this?? My fault?? Is there something wrong with me? if people keep getting hurt because of me maybe it would be better if I just wasn't around.' (<- ROBBIE GET YOUR BROTHER NOW.)

And Robbie. Jesus christ. His brain is being pulled in SO MANY DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS BY THIS. Eli is elated, naturally, 'OHHHOHOHOHO ROBBIEEEEE I KNEW YOU HAD TO HAVE GOOD TASTE IN SOMETHING OTHER THAN CARS! See!!? I TOLD you killing is a perfectly natural part of being a person! Look at all those stab wounds she CLEARLY had a good time!' Robbies part of the brain is going 'HOLY FUCK' and IMMEDIATELY jumps to problem solving. He needs to get rid of the body first and formost at least that shouldnt be too hard oh god getting rid of bodies is something hes GOOD at what the fuck. HOW MANY?? OF IVANOVS MOB?? KNOWS WHERE HE LIVES??? Oh fuck does he have to go kill them ALL ?? (<- que Eli doing backflips out of absolute joy at that possibility) Also, brother. You cant tell me. that demons don't have weird social structures and expressions of affection. And Robbie is like. HALF DEMON. AT LEAST. So this shit for him is at least a little bit like when a cat brings you a dead animal (SHE IS SHOWING!! THE LITTLE ONE!! HOW TO HUNT!! SHE KILLED FOR HIM!! FOR US!!). IT IS. CONFUSING. FUCKING CONFUSING AS ALL HELL FOR HIM!!

Idk man this is just the particular brand of clusterfuck that is like my own personal brand of heroin to quote one sparkly boy.

[seraheart]

I kinda wish that the DetCo canon would do more with the fact that the relationship (I don't mean this in the shipping sense) between Conan and Haibara has been, or at least logically should have been, really strained for a long time.

Originally, they had this development where Haibara was really messed up, overly cautious and trying to force her maladaptive survival psychological issues onto other people, and generally not good at positive interactions. Then, slowly, Conan and the others started gaining her trust (not entirely though), and also her general mental health improved (never completely though).

But then it turned around, and started getting significantly worse. Haibara isn't really in a healing arc anymore. If Aoyama still took her seriously as a character (which, to be fair, I don't think is the case), she would be in a retraumatization arc. Conan and his allies are limiting Haibara's agency, invading her privacy, dismissing her concerns about all this, and pretending that this isn't happening while she can obviously tell that it is happening.

I think the really obvious turning point was the Mystery Train arc. Haibara even called Conan and Agasa out on it and stated that she wouldn't forgive if she were to be treated like that again. Instead of taking her hurt seriously, they just told her she should "be thankful", and dismissed her hurt as "tsundere", refusing to take her trauma seriously after using it and using her as a mere chess piece in their plans (and Akai even triggering her more by gloating about it).

Since then, Haibara has been trapped under the constant, violating supervision of these people who have demonstrated that they don't respect her, and also refuse to acknowledge that the problem even exists. It's not a situation where her recover arc could realistically continue. By all logic, she should be spiraling, getting worse again.

And maybe this is on purpose; Aoyama definitely didn't plan the manga to get this long when he introduced Haibara, and originally the slow-burn of her recovery was a good way to postpone a scenario where Haibara could actually trust Conan enough to give him the kind of information that would lead to the finale arc. But... eventually, even with the extreme slow burn of DetCo, Haibara's recovery arc and relationship development with Conan would have gotten to the point where her continued withholding of crucial information would no longer make sense... and, I guess, rather than start concluding the story at a humanly reasonable rate, Aoyama just opted to nuke Haibara's whole recovery arc and character and relationship development (not only with Conan but also Agasa).

Which could have been tragic but realistic (albeit kind of a major downer out of tune with the manga's usual tone, and upsetting to anyone who had been invested in the slow-burn mental health improvement arc), but then Aoyama can't even be arsed to take it seriously, and is now just pretending that the situation with Haibara and her relationships with Conan and Agasa are still "normal" instead of FUBAR.

It's regrettable and really shows how much everyone dragging out this franchise to milk it for more money just... doesn't actually care about the story anymore, hasn't in a long time. They'll eventually just kill central, fan-favorite, long-running story arcs rather than actually letting them conclude or evolve in a satisfying manner if that would mean risking their precious status quo (which has warped beyond all recognition anyway, so I'm not sure why they bother).

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

august 25, 2021 9:00 p.m. seoul

**TW: SUICIDE MENTION**

[grant] hey, not to bring up the previous conversation, but uh, i wanted to say i'm sorry you had to deal with me the same year you were going through so much. it wasn't fair.

[henry] it's okay, grant. i don't think your motivation for being an addict and attempting suicide that year was, "yeah, fuck henry, i want to make his life so much worse right now. his dad's dead, he may not have enough credits to get his degree this may, and now me!"

[grant] it doesn't matter what it was. the fact is that my problems hurt other people. i didn't just harm myself. and i was not a pleasant person that last year when you really needed pleasantry.

[henry] yeah, i'm not going to lie to you, that very last year of college, i thought the version of you i knew and loved was gone.

[grant] i was insufferable.

[henry] correct. you were an asshole.

[henry] for the most part. you did try to be good again and be there for me when my dad died.

[henry] it was weird. i hadn't seen you sober in years, but when i called you for the first time in a few weeks because there was no one else besides soobin i wanted to talk to about my dad dying, you showed up to my place kind of normal again.

[henry] i don't want to say "sober" because you probably weren't, but you were at least on fewer substances than i was used to at the time, so you seemed sober.

[henry] you weren't in a place to show up for people long-term because you were suffering, too, but you tried. you checked on me every day for a few weeks until finals hit and everything got crazy for everyone. well, no, until we threw that intervention for you right before finals. nonetheless, i appreciated the effort.

[henry] it stopped me from cutting you out, so there's that.

[henry] i'm not trying to sound rude either, please don't take it that way. it was just a lot. i would have regretted it if i cut you out, and i didn't want to at my core because i do not want to do life without you, but i didn't think you had it in you to get out of that spiral you were in for years. i really did not. i thought you were done for.

[henry] i'm sensitive, even if i never sound like it. i was mad at you for bad behavior, but i was also, um, really sad to see you like that. i love you. i've loved you as a brother and a best friend for almost my entire life. and i did not think i could stomach watching you die at your own hand. it made me sick.

[henry] and it probably makes me a bad friend to have felt that way. one, to have thought about cutting you out, and two, to have had so little faith left in you. you deserved more faith from me. if the roles were reversed, you'd never give up on me.

[grant] don't say that. everyone has their limit, and it's hard to know where it is until you finally hit it. i would have one, too.

[grant] and man, you were meant to feel that way. i meant it when i told you i pushed people away purposely.

[grant] whatever conscience and consciousness i had during that time always reminded me that i was terrified of hurting other people. i was very well aware i was probably causing, like, terrible amounts of pain to my friends and family, and i didn't want to do more damage when i killed myself, so...

[grant] yeah, i always meant to kill myself. i thought about it every day for years, honestly all the way back into high school, and i got super close to trying it about a billion times, but i only ever went through with any of my plans once.

[grant] and i'll regret for the rest of my life that you and my grandparents had to see what i did to myself on graduation night.

[grant] but anyway, i chose to have those awful behaviors because i felt like if i ran everybody off and made them leave, they'd be glad i was dead and wouldn't hate me for what i did and just forget me.

[grant] terrible, terrible strategy! like holy shit! i also entirely regret acting out like that, the much happier and stable version of myself from the last, like, eight years realizes that made everything worse and wouldn't have fixed anything anyway.

[grant] trying not to hurt people by hurting them upfront is a fucked up strategy. just entirely fucked up and counterintuitive.

[henry] no, it wouldn't have worked. you'd have left everyone traumatized by not being able to repair things with you.

[henry] so, whether you like it or not, people do like you. people tend to really, really like you. you have a very magnetic, charming personality that very few other people in the world share.

[henry] and people do want you around. i want you around.

[henry] i know what i just said, but i really do want you around.

[henry] but also, wow. i guess you did a great job at trying to run us off since it almost worked on me.

[grant] it was easier than acknowledging people care about me or worry about me. i'm not good at that.

[grant] oh, and in those rare early moments where i thought that i needed help, i was scared everyone would only ever see me as a fucked up shell of a human being. like if i got better, i would still be reduced to the guy with problems.

[grant] i'm glad that i regret trying to kill myself. there's a lot i would have missed out on, including the chance to be nice to myself. but i do worry that some of those things are true, that fucked up is the only way people see me, even strangers.

[grant] i feel like glass sometimes. like everyone looks through me and sees the worst in me and only the worst.

[henry] i'm sorry you feel that way.

[henry] it's a little ironic, though. the more you hold back from telling your loved ones these things or try to push us away so we never see you struggling with anything ever, the more we worry you have the same exact problems that almost killed you before.

[grant] i've really backed myself into a corner, eh?

[henry] there's about a million things i could respond to that with, but here's the most important one. you're worth worrying about.

[henry] you spend your life looking after people and telling everyone to care about others, like you just told me to worry about my future kids, but you seriously do not believe you deserve that in return, and i don't get it. no, i do, but i don't.

[henry] yes, your parents taught you that you don't deserve love, but then again...

[grant] i'm trying to believe. and i have gotten at least a little better. my birthday, you know? i handled that pretty well.

[henry] everyone has flaws. we could and should try harder to not emphasize yours so much. but i don't see those flaws first. and if i do think about them, it's because i don't want them to take you away.

[henry] you don't see my flaws first, do you? clearly, you don't. right? you don't act like you see them.

[henry] the person i see you as is the kid who became friends with me two decades ago. some random nice kid who approached the one new kid at the park sitting by himself and played with him even though they couldn't talk to each other yet. some random kid who learned the basics of my language on the internet to write me a sweet letter saying, "hi, i'm grant, i'm six years old, and i want to be your friend." it didn't even matter it was written poorly.

[henry] i see a lot of good things in you. remember, i was just telling everyone about how nice you were to help me save the first dinner i hosted for soobin. a day ago, you helped me get over failure, one of my lifelong biggest fears, for an hour or two.

[henry] but i think our beginning sums you up nicely. i don't know anyone else who would have gone to such lengths for some nobody new kid. you didn't owe me your time or your respect and yet you gave it to me. and that was a weird time in my life. everything turned upside down when i moved. to have a friend like you then was...

[henry] and of course, nothing's changed. you're still a kind person. you're funny. you're smart. you're just you. you're one of the only people on earth who isn't fake. the kid i remember isn't gone. i'm glad he survived. i'm glad i didn't lose him.

[grant] despite everything, it's still me?

[henry] yes. but so we're clear, you don't have to do nice things to be worthy of being liked. you're likable on your own. i'm only saying that your kindness stands out to me, and i know that you value that trait, so it bears mentioning. you've been very good to me. i can forgive the times when you weren't. i've been a jackass before, too. i've probably been a jackass to you.

[grant] i feel like we've said thanks a lot today but thanks for sticking with me. don't feel bad that you thought i couldn't get better. that was my fault. but you're still here. and you showed up on graduation night for me. i'm beyond sorry that you had to see any of that, like i cannot repent or apologize enough in my lifetime, but thank you.

[grant] i owe you my life.

[grant] i owe you a lot but that first.

[grant] i've said it before but it should be repeated, you know? i definitely would have died if you didn't come that night. aside from my uncle, you're the only one i know who can pick a lock.

[henry] just do not make me do it again. i would show up a second time, but it would be better on my psyche if that was unnecessary.

[grant] it won't happen again. i've been good for a long time, but i'm great now and most of all, appropriately medicated for bipolar disorder. it's all going to be okay.

[grant] we're going to go home, continue being best friends forever, you're going to be a great dad one day.

[henry] and you will get your job back!

[grant] great minds think alike! now, how much longer until the arcade? i promise i'll let you win a game of air hockey for once.

[rontra]

I have never played persona so I wasn't sure if I would understand your failteacher comics but I just looked up the characters for a little bit of context and I'm 👀👀👀👀 at it now xD

Without being too spoiler-y, why would you say they'd have a messy relationship? (Besides the fact of Becky taking advantage of her client's loneliness)

HAHAHA yea i think the like dramatic irony enjoyment of knowing (even just roughly) what's going on with becky is very strong so good on you there (obviously toriumi has no idea what's going on with her and becky is doing her best to Handle It, but it contextualizes her behavior for Us...<3)

it's yummy isnt it... its yummy

anyway, the rest of this very long post is just me analyzing a fictional situation i myself engineered, so if that sounds boring please dont click the Read More LMFAO <- cursed to put a lot of thought into Character Stuff

basically they have great potential for mess, which they're Currently keeping a lid on, but would exponentially increase with time. teehee.

as for what WILL happen, im not spoiling anything concrete of course… (winks at the Knowers who already know my Vision….

well, this AU isn't ever going to devolve into a "super destructive toxic nightmare" mess or anything, just to get our working definitions of 'mess' sorted out at the top of the post. not this time. atm (as of comic #3) it's shaping up more like a "this seems . inadvisable and absolutely Don't Try This At Home, but i guess it won't…kill you" mess (LMAO)

to assess their situation at present… there is one half who wants money (and can't ever make enough of it to satisfy her extortionists), and one half who wants intimacy (and is scared and unable to get it on her own). on its exterior face, it's simply a lonely person hiring a professional to keep them company, which is a fairly common thing n not rly super noteworthy; the parentheticals are what make things a bit uh thorny for these characters

the "problem" here is not the transaction itself; they're both willing to supply their half of the trade just fine, and neither party is doing anything wrong by engaging in it. but for these two specifically, there is also a mutual willingness to bend the rules of their transaction—because they're both cornered in some way, and desperate for what the other one is offering to trade

to elaborate on "rules", i mean, first and foremost, that their relationship is not "real"—these people Don't know each other personally and intimately, and they're Not Supposed To. their relationship should never be "real"; they're not friends! (or lovers, for that matter!) they're in a conditional exchange of money for services. right now, these characters are participating in and maintaining a kayfabe; they should operate under a tacit understanding that A) this is not real, B) they both fully know it's not real, and C) following the script is the comfortable way to get what they both want without causing undue risk to either party. creating and then maintaining a fake "reality" together is regulated by a contract between them, and it ends when their booked time ends (and not a minute over time!)

but to return to the earlier point, they're also both cornered and desperate, which drives them both to go beyond what might be considered appropriate. i think this is compelling; it's probably unnecessary of me to add this paragraph but i want to underline (just in case) that i don't think either of them is like "at fault" or w/e (there is no "villain" between them). they're showing Signs Of Mess that could snowball into something much more messy, but it's not something they're doing to hurt each other; they're making decisions based on skewed risk/reward estimations that might not be healthy, and could realistically have harmful consequences for both parties, but they're not, like, Evil (lol). two women getting wrapped up in each other's personal graveyard spirals…it's yuri, isn't it?

with that squared away, and putting it plainly;

toriumi should not be asking her to "break character" when the character itself is what she's paying for; this nudging of their little kayfabe, if indulged, could easily snowball and erode the professional boundaries between them (what she calls "distance" in #3). she is paying 'becky' to 'be here' (paying kawakami to conjure 'becky' into existence by pretending to be her), but she isn't really being mindful of the type of role that this necessarily demands of her in turn. the built-in emotional walls between them are there to protect both of them, but she doesn't fully respect them (despite instinctively sensing their protection in how "safe" becky feels to her). in the end, toriumi is bad at "staying in character" herself, and she can't help but try to root out the actual person behind the mask—despite the fact that no one wants this erosion to happen! possible dire consequences for her wallet aside, losing sight of the line between "transaction" and "investment" (pardon the pun) is a one-way ticket to a very messy place where one or both of them is likely to get hurt...

on the other end, and not helping the situation at all, kawakami identified toriumi as a soft target pretty much immediately, and is actively trying to elicit sympathy and endear herself to her (she is being quite choosy about what vulnerabilities she "lets slip" in #2) in order to make her keep booking and paying. of course some amount of "salesmanship" is part of the job—#grindset always be plugging smash that like button comment n subscribe—but the major difference here is that she's overtly attempting to foster in her client the exact kind of dependency/personal attachment she should be discouraging (for, frankly, both of their safety). like not only is she out fishing to get toriumi hook line and sinker on purpose, but it's also alarmingly reckless behavior on kawakami's part; there's a lack of regard for her own wellbeing involved here on top of it all. again, a messy place where someone, maybe everyone, gets hurt in the end

crucially though, as comic #3 finishes setting up, they're both willing to endure these shenanigans from the other half. at this stage, toriumi does realize that kawakami has her unilaterally wrapped around her finger, and nonetheless agrees that she'll call her again; while kawakami knows very well how this kayfabe is supposed to work, but is indulgent (even rewarding) towards toriumi for her clumsiness. that mutual willingness to keep playing this game would—if the AU continued on these tracks uninterrupted—probably compound until the situation they've made becomes super confusing and unclear for them emotionally...

of course "taking advantage" is sort of a loaded phrase colloquially… but i would say in many ways they are "taking advantage" of each other, yea. the "we both benefit, so it's okay" logic was already vaguely raised as justification in #3; if elaborated a bit with the above in mind, their situation is one where "even if they're both overstepping what is considered appropriate for their arrangement, they've also both decided the benefits outweigh the costs by a wide enough margin to make it worthwhile"

it's got the marks of a sort of symbiotic relationship... their individual motivations for being involved w each other are totally unrelated (cue the "hold on, does. kawakami even like women???" question), but they both feel they benefit enough towards their priority goals to be OK with the other one taking something "less valuable" from them (toriumi even calls out the “sales pitch” becky is doing in #2, but ultimately decides that’s fine because she’s willing to buy). i think each and every moving part here has great capacity to go "too far" and ruin things (perhaps even causing Severe damage in the collapse), but if the situation were to continue in this same rhythm, without that kind of dramatic change, i would say "they're both evaluating the scenario with their own personal goals in mind, and are extracting what they want from one another relatively(?) peacefully(??)". like it might ultimately be a selfish game but they're adults they'll figure it out probably idk its none of my business what they choose to get up to. wouldn't get into that type of shit myself though LOL

women are playing kind of dangerous games with each other but i forgive them because it's interesting to rotate in my mind...<3

another thorn to consider for their future bonding endeavors from here on ofc is that without being "cornered" the way they are, they would not be running this type of "risk math" in the first place. it's hard for either of them to fully back away at this point because they're already cornered in their personal lives; toriumi is incredibly isolated and lonely with a pretty insecure lifestyle even when she's NOT actively sawing through the branch she's sitting on, and kawakami famously MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, NEEDS A LOT OF MONEY RIGHT NOW because she's being extorted by an unrelated third party. looking ahead it does kind of start to look like an ouroboros of "taking advantage of each other" bc it's hard for both of them to leave their individual situations; it's kind of like, if they weren't here with each other they'd be ... well, they'd be here—just with someone else...

they didn't put each other in this jam—it was unrelated personal circumstances and sheer coincidence that pushed them together—but now that they've committed to each other, it's hard to reverse back out, if that makes sense. i think that kind of thing is interesting too, because it makes me want to see them recognize this, connect, and help each other pull out of their Greater individual personal messes. you know? we can make it if we try... just the two of us... 😔

(unfortunately step 1 of that is ofc to make a genuine personal bond that isn't wrapped up in all this for-pay roleplay stuff. drat!)

tl;dr they're both simmering under high pressure and don't try this at home, but they do already have a sort of tacit agreement forming that this level of messy play is OK between them—as long as the rewards continue to outweigh the risks. at the end of the day, it's a delicate balance ultimately hinging on a money-for-services transaction, so if either of them stopped feeling like paying their half was worth it, it would rapidly come apart. i guess it's kinda like the ways you can tell if animals are genuinely beefing or just playing rough—are they willingly coming back? 💀 ...

no lmao where's that post thats like "this would be terrible if it was anyone else, but considering the people involved this is actually the best option" HRBHJDJG that's kind of how it feels. like if they're gonna be stuck with Somebody (and they would be), its probably good luck that they got Each Other. at least the narrative can sustain the balance of this one and maybe even solve it down the line. heart

to round this post off i would say if i had to nominate one of them, kawakami is probably the most "in control" atm—since she figured out very quickly that she was dealing with an easy mark and moved in to make her a regular customer (quite successfully i might add per the end of #3 lmaoo). i think that's been kinda fun, since in her SLink she's immediately on the back foot due to being unmasked by the inciting incident. we know she will lie and attempt to play to the listener's sympathy, so unleashing her with her Mask Still On has been fun 😭 for her part, toriumi is not only taken with the funny maid (& emotionally invested in her IRL situation to boot), but also very clumsily trying to obtain something she's scared to have, which makes her very impulsive/erratic in her rulebreaking compared to kawakami's much more intentional plays...

play of the game 🧹 (<- there's no maid emoji idk its housekeeping)

of course, my future plans will immediately jostle this entire dynamic into something else and make this whole post obsolete, but i don't wanna lay that out ahead of time. smiles.

anyway, otome dissection on the playlist or whatever

[sukifoof]

I was thinking about Asriel as the Royal Scientist, and I remember in one post you said in the tags, how you considered drawing him as one for your Asriel survives AU, before saying you can't imagine him holding down any job without freaking out

Now, I'm not asking you to draw him anyway, I'll be fine either way. It is just important context cuz that's what gave me my personal thoughts right now about him, and I wanted to spread them because I think they're optimistic in the end, if cliché and generic (warning, I'm really bad at sympathizing with other people, so I might be just, completely wrong about what I say next)

I have little doubt Asriel would be very lost at first about what he is going to do with his life now that The Barrier is gone. Typical confusion after exiting a time loop, compounded by the years of untouched trauma and other mental health issues. Maybe spiralling further as he may consider himself a burden for all those problems he can't handle on his own

He would try resuming being The Prince, go back to what he thinks people want of him, but it's not going to work, he distrusts himself too much after everything he has done. When he inevitably fails, he hits a new low. But eventually, perhaps with Frisk's encouragement, he finds it in himself to open up about it, talk to other people, seek help

Alphys, who in a very real sense is his creator (slightly more metaphorical in this AU, but she's still the one who woke him up from his coma), and one of the few people who know how he works, might be one of the first people that Asriel speaks to about his problems, feeling that she'd understand. They talk to each other about the regrets that they have, bonding over similar troubles, and maybe shared interests (bonding as friends. Alphys is faithful to her wife, and Asriel is on the aspec, so it doesn't go further)

At some point one of them might just naturally suggest that Asriel help out around the lab, and while he's helping, and they're talking with each other, Alphys realizes just how much knowledge about all sorts of things Asriel has, and one day she offers that he become a full-time assistant at her lab. This freaks him out, and in the moment he rejects it and runs away, which both of them later despair over, in a sense of "oh god I was to hard on him/her, now I destroyed our friendship, I'm the worst, I can't do anything right"

But eventually they talk to each other about it (encouraged by their friends) and they realize that neither is harboring any resentment towards the other, and they make amends. Asriel starts out working with her part-time, and while it's initially very scary for him, and he probably has several other freakouts along the way, I think Alphys, being prone to freakouts herself, would be more than understanding. Eventually he becomes her full-time assistant after all

Hopefully combined with therapy which he really, really should receive, he eventually starts feeling good about himself again, even if it takes years to get there. And he realizes, yes, this is the job he wants to do. He can help people without actually having to be there, with a much more manageable amount of responsibility to handle. He's finally happy, as the Assistant Royal* Scientist (* although at this point it is possible that Asgore and Toriel would abdicate, seeing as their son won't take over from them, it might just be easier to end the monarchist government right then and there)

Of course, while Asriel is immortal, Alphys is not, and as the decades pass, she will get older, weaker, less able to do her job. The day when she resigns from her post to let the (physically) younger Asriel become the next Royal Scientist will be a difficult one for both of them, and even more so when she finally turns to dust, although I hope that by this point he would be better equipped to handle the loss of those close to him. It will still hurt, but I hope with new experiences and skills he's learned over the years, he'll be able to deal with that pain, or the pain when his parents or his other friends die, better than he did with the pain of Chara's death

Frankly, not being seen as royalty anymore, especially by the younger generations who won't remember monarchist rule, he might find life easier as he's no longer so isolated as he was as a prince, no longer has to reach the same standards as before

The trauma, and other pain that follows, they will never fully leave him, but he's got a quite literal eternity to learn how to live with them and not let them control his life. And if mortals can do it, then I think he too can, over the course of several years, or even decades, figure it out. I think, as fucked up as he is, at the end of this nightmare road there is happiness waiting for him, however long it takes him to get there. I just want him to be happy goddammit. And I think that a 30-or-40-something Asriel will be happy

Thanks you for listening to my TED talk, and have a magical day

HI IVE BEEN MEANING TO ANSWER THIS FOR SO LONG CUZ ITS SO GOOD AND IN CHARACTER!!! u are so right for this i LOVE this i dont have much to add on cuz ur points are all so good. asriel has so many issues and i think he would probably feel a Bit Better if he was able to put his knowledge to use to help people and it might help him come to terms with death a little better..... anyway they are siblings and they occasionally bother each other. extremely kind mayor who took over after papyrus and local freak scientist who is seemingly some kind of sludge <3 i may draw more of this when i get the chance cuz the idea of these middle aged freaks is so funny to me i love them dearly

[anti-endo-haven]

So sorry to vent , , please take care of yourself!

Tw // unhealthy relationships??

I'm so uncomfortable with our current relationship. I want to break it off because it's so unhealthy, I'm so attached to her but she's always upsetting me. It's not on purpose, she doesn't mean to upset me, but despite me communicating what makes me upset she doest stop it, but I also can't blame her for not stopping it because it's always small things like her talking to others more than she talks to me. And I know that me getting upset at her for these things is making her upset too. Today I was upset because she hadn't talked to me all day and had been having fun with our friends in front of me and not including me (((I struggle to join things on my own and need to be invited into conversations and stuff))) and when I was upset our friends asked us if it was one of them. I said no to most of them but then our partner suddenly went "it's me! I'm always the problem!" And walked off. I feel bad but I can't control my emotions. Usually I don't take them out on her, actually I just go quiet and kind of withdraw, but sometimes she pushes me and sometimes I get snappy with her because of things like this. I don't know how to communicate my emotions and I don't know what to do when I'm upset. We're in almost every class together in school which makes me hesitant to break up with her but I think she's going to break up with me anyways. I know she has crushes on most of our friendgroup and I'm pretty sure she's cheating on me too, but I also know that i cant handle school without her. Whenever we break up, which we have like 10 times already, she always ends up liking me again and we end up getting back together. i know that if i break up with her, unless i get a "replacement" i will not be able to handle anything and if she even tries to hint that she likes me ill be right back to being obsessed with her. But it's so unfair, both to me, her and whoever I try to use to replace her. She's not fit for a relationship, she's cheated on me many times and has / will cheat on many of her other partners. I'm too emotional and needy, my partner becomes my obsession and I need them to function. So it's all just unhealthy and I don't know what to do. I can't just not be in a relationship, that'd probably make me spiral, but I don't really have anyone else I can date and even so I'd feel bad for using them like this..

So I guess I'm asking for advice on what I'm meant to do here, because I really don't know.

For context, we're both 14/15 (shes 14 and I'm 15, she's a few months younger), I'm a C-DID system and I'm hated by almost everyone in our school leading me to literally only have her and our friends as people to lean on.

I had the same relationship issue when I was younger. She was extremely manipulative, constantly argued with me, would exclude me, wanted to force me into things, so many other things.

Separating would be good. Obsession is something that can cause a lot of things or someone to go to that wanted thing or person, but it’s also good to understand control.

You are being hurt by her and unintentionally hurting her as well, if that’s landing or not, I’m not sure but it is landing on you.

Emotions aren’t controllable, you don’t need to control them. As someone who’s very, very limited, I’m jealous a little bit. Let yourself feel them, even the ones that are bad. It’s better than not feeling at all.

For what we did, especially since we have to have a romantic relationship to be comfortable, we started setting boundaries for relationships. We focused on what we looked for in a partner, made a list, understood the red flags of our last partners. We took our time for the next relationship after two/three failed.

It’s not a bad thing to focus on yourself. If you feel a certain way, try and do something that’s distracting. Such as focusing on something else you like. We used gaming as an outlet, got back into older games like Halo.

Gaming, writing, D&D, drawing, learning something new. Some of the things that helped us.

It might not help you, but it’s some of the less destructive behaviors that helped us some.

It’s also okay to not date young at all.

For the school situation of being hated, stand your ground. It’s never a bad thing to be yourself. People are just assholes.

I do apologize if none of this helps.

[poognthebrainbois]

Rant/vent about current denial spiral under the cut - some context first: (*extremely brief mention of abuse/SA, medical history mention)

Had a fight with my mom about why I "still think it's DID." There were a lotta layers to that conversation, including:

- My (our) experiences don't line up with all the "research" she's done about DID

- according to her, co-consciousness doesn't exist and "you would have no idea there's another person [controlling your body], you can't be 'standing behind, watching.'"

- she doesn't trust anecdotal/personal experience of actual systems because "that's just people on the internet making up whatever they want"(paraphrase)

- she had also never heard of OSDD before. Even though she claimed she knows all about the DSM-5.

(medical trauma/history mention)

- I was never *physically abused or SA'd, therefore I don't have trauma. (She doesn't believe in emotional/verbal abuse, and all my *medical trauma/history was during/right after my birth (I was born 10 weeks early, had a surgery while in the NICU) so it doesn't count [I can't disagree with that])

(Might make a separate vent post about what we consider possible trauma that she "doesn't count")

- she told me "it sounds like you found something and stuck to it" (paraphrase) (meaning I learned about DID and just decided that was my problem.)

- made the same sweeping generalizations as always about my entire generation "wanting to be different" and "wanting to have something wrong [with us]"

(Again, I could make a separate vent post about what she says during literally every argument)

- told me (us) to "stop saying 'we' for Christ's sake!" (We will not.)

- she decided I (we) need to bring her "actual sources" of why I (we) believe it's DID/OSDD.

Which meant to us that we were gonna stay up all night doing extensive research.

Or that was the plan, before the denial set in.

(Recreation of Denial spiral below, just to throw it out to the void and be able to come back to it later to disprove I guess?? Could be triggering (lots of repetitive phrases, disbelief of trauma, derealization/depersonalization, there's a lot in here.)

What if she's right and I'm not a system? What if it's not DID or OSDD and I'm just desperate to make it into something? What if I actually don't have trauma and I'm secretly an endo??? (Any headmate tries to talk to me) You're not real, shut up. Why did I do this to myself? I ruined my life over something that's not even happening! Why did I let it get this far? Why am I still perpetuating this if it's not true?? It was never a problem until I did weed and "opened doors" that was just weed! I'm making up trauma that's not real! I want so bad to be traumatized so I can feel justified to be mad at my parents when really I'm just an entitled little bitch who's never had anything happen to them and needs to pretend they're worse off than they are! She has real trauma! She's actually been through real abuse and they've never done anything to me other than yell and that doesn't mean anything and I'm just a crybaby for being scared of getting yelled at they never actually threaten me (why do you remember the "I'll give you something to cry about" threat/phrase then???) and I cried over nothing all the time for no reason and I've just always been afraid of nothing. I can't believe I'm actually sitting here thinking about doing all this research just to prove a point?? Just to prove her wrong? That doesn't mean anything! That's not a good reason! I shouldn't even bother. This is a waste of my time. I should just tell her she's right and move on. It's not DID and (Losing my train of thought trying to write this, Jesus) I've just convinced myself it is but it's not. I've made it out to be more than it is so they'll care and that didn't work anyway. I can't believe this is happening right now. There's no way I got this far. That all of this really happened over nothing. They were just characters in my head! Why did I ever start believing more than that when I don't have trauma! Nothing that bad has ever happened to me and all these thoughts that keep coming up are fake and even if some of this stuff was trauma it wasn't in my childhood so it's not relevant. I spend too much time on the internet and I shouldn't just believe all of this stuff. What do I think I'm actually "relating" too? I should've just left it at Maladaptive Daydreaming and been fine. I've made everything worse for myself. There was a reason I stopped doing research on DID years ago! 'Cause I don't have trauma and I can't sit here and pretend I do. Why am I doing this?

(Etc etc etc. Front changed while writing this. I've been in co the whole time but Parker needed to step back for their own comfortability.)

We went back n forth for a while about a bunch of this stuff. Had a number of headmates hop in co-front just to prove a point, only for Parker to continue to tell them they're not real and it's "all me and I'm faking" bro you are at that point proving a point to yourself but okay.

Anyway, eventually Kiara took front and started on research anyway. We were up til 5am. Didn't finish but marked all our tabs so we could go back and finish it up the next day (yesterday). Did not get back to it yesterday 'Cause Parker got anxious.

We now have a deadline to present this shit. We've got a psych appointment tomorrow morning and Mom's leaving on Thursday to visit a friend. So we should get to it today. But they're really not ready for that conversation. Unfortunately we (Lio) told our psychiatrist that we might actually get to that conversation with our parents before our next appointment so now Parker feels like we have to. And if we don't then they'll be anxious about it the entire time Mom's gone which is also not productive.

There's a worry that if any of the rest of us try to explain it then it won't be taken seriously because we're not them. This whole situation is exhausting. We weren't planning on trying to have this conversation yet and now we're so rushed and there's a lot more pressure.

In any case, there's a chance we'll post an update if/when it happens.

If you've read this far, any kind of support would be appreciated. <3

-❤️

[iztarshi]

I am curious besides rise what’s your opinion other on the other iterations of Raph? Since he’s my fav

87 Raphael is my favourite turtle of all, but it's hard to know where to start describing him. I just want to hold him out to people like "see?"

He's an outlier among Raphaels so people who usually like Raphaels don't always like him. He's the wise guy of the group and would always rather say something clever than something useful, but when he does say something useful it's usually a suggestion they don't run headlong into danger. He's verbally prickly, but physically affectionate, and although he's not the protector like some Raphs he does get latched onto by Donatello and Michelangelo sometimes just because he doesn't push people off. Michelangelo jumps into his arms when scared a few times and Raphael just stands there holding him for the rest of the scene.

I think Raphael vs the Volcano is a good episode for getting to know him. Raphael thinking he's dying due to a silly misunderstanding is a standard 90s TV plot, but the show takes it unexpectedly seriously once the set up is done. We see his cynicism as he tries to convince himself that the world is good and his life has been worth living only to fail due to New York's typical disregard for a loitering pedestrian. We see how his cynicism doesn't stop him wanting to save people when he decides that the world is terrible but he's at least going to make it better before he goes. We see his tendency to run from things, in this case from the emotional scene saying goodbye would be, since the misunderstanding continues due to him leaving notes instead of using his turtle comm. He's a little guy, he cares a lot, he's scared of a lot and doing his best anyway. Like other Raphaels he has more emotions than he knows how to handle.

03 Raphael is so nice. He wouldn't understand me saying that, which breaks my heart, but he is honestly such a sweet, polite teenager. He spends an episode doing chores for an old lady and is suprised and touched when she wants to see him again. When we see his worst nightmare it's his own face being behind Shredder's helmet. More than any Raph he seems to genuinely think he's bad. His temper is a lot for him to control and the part where he nearly hit Mikey with a pipe came off as if it might be a dissociative episode but he gets very little help with it. Despite his prickly reputation he's more often acting as emotional support for the others, especially when Leo's in an anxiety spiral.

He does have fun though! He's a Raph who really enjoys a fight and his "irritation" with Mikey is just a game.

My favourite bit of the Christmas episode was him and Angel pranking Casey with mistletoe because it's not often he really gets to act his age.

2012 Raph is maybe the prickliest Raph of all, combining 03's aggression with 87's sarcasm. He still manages to have the biggest, saddest green eyes when his brothers are upset and he can't do anything about it, though.

He comes off like an asshole in season one when he genuinely does seem to not like the other characters very much. Later this mellows a lot, to the point when I'm told he still regularly threatens to quit the team and storms off I'm not sure I believe it. Especially when it's never happened on screen before.

I don't think I have much to say about the movie Raphs. 90s Raph is good. 07 Raph needed to apologise to Donatello and not to Splinter, but that is a plot problem more than a problem with him. Batman Raph should not get to lecture Batman about being open with his family. I swear, of all the turtles XD

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas! i've asked you for advice a few times before! here's my situation- i also js wanna say thank you thank you thank you for being so amazing and answering people's asks and helping so many of us! WE LOVE YOU CAS! ❤️ 😘

my s/o is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING- and they could totally score anyone, which kind of prompts all these insecure thoughts i have- insecure thoughts that i already had before i even started to date them.

adding to that, they're super flirty with like everybody, and yes, I've called them out on it, but it's the only way they find conversing with humans fun.

we also had this conversation where they said that when we started dating, they didn't actually even like me- they were dating me because they were angry at themselves and they kind of pitied me- LIKE WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???

but like they're so amazing- they're sweet, they're constantly assuring me they'd never ever cheat...

i also think i'm kind of a problem because I'm always talking about marauders and jegulus and gay dead wizards, and like they don't get any of it, and I'm boring her and my mind just spirals because there are soooo many other people they could date other than me.

i feel like it's all in my head and it's only such a problem because i've always been insecure, about a lot of things, my weight, my looks, my personality.

anyway, thanks again, ur amazing!

Hi hon!!

I think there's several things to address here:

First, YOU are not a problem. I agree, you are insecure. I mean, who's to say YOU aren't a catch as well? You seem like an amazing person! Your s/o is LUCKY to have you! But talking about marauders and sharing your interests and being insecure isn't a problem. It's being real. So if your s/o can't handle that, they aren't the one for you.

Second, your s/o flirting with others....this is hard, because I feel as if there's a line. Yeah, I flirt with my friends sometimes, in a joking way, But it's always super clear that we're joking. And there's a line. We might me like "omg, you're so gorgeous, marry me" but we wouldn't be serious or...specific? I am wondering if your s/o is crossing a line? Have you communicated about any specific things they say that make you uncomfortable? Because I think you have a right to set boundaries.

Last, I don't think it's fair that your s/o told you they didn't like you to start. Not that I'm advocating for keeping secrets, it's just....that didn't help anything, and it sounds like it was so hurtful. I would bring that up to them, and be honest and share that it's made you insecure.

It sounds like you need to communicate these things with them and see how they react. If they are understanding and empathetic, then they're a good s/o, and you should work on finding boundaries that work for both of you. If they're not, then these might be some red flags to explore more.

Keep me updated!

<3

[blazingstar29]

slimav wip 1.7k

warnings: d/s undertones, leading up to sexual content

releasing this here for anyone to give feedback on, i don't usually feel the need to check if i'm on the right track but i know that slimav is in the minority but people have a lot of opinions about it. it's still a work in progress so keep that in mind aha

At first Maverick thought that Ice was the one trying his luck. Then he realised that the only thing Ice sees in life is his career. His career is the only thing that mattered and yes, that included messing with his rivals. Once that issue was cleared up, he realised that maybe Slider was the one actually trying to make a move. 

Sure, he tries to rationalise. Slider might also be messing with him, just using him as an extension of Goose. Another person to mess with. But does Goose get that feeling of warmth every time Slider says something that is probably meant to sound like an insult, but actually comes across as something completely different? It does to him, anyway.

It only grows from there. Slider radiates a warmth he wants nothing more than to curl up against, even in the midst of Miramar summer. 

The locker room is one of his favourite places. It is full of rivalry and camaraderie and every other flavour of summer. He loves it because it feels like the only place in the Navy he can feel like a kid again. It’s something akin to summer holidays and freezing his ass off outside the school gym. As he throws the doors open though, it feels like none of those things. He’s angry. So fucking angry and at no one but himself. 

His hands are shaking as he leans over on the bench to unlace his boots. Shaking fingers twist into the nylon laces. God, he’s so stupid. So stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. 

“You alright, Mav?” 

Iceman’s voice snaps him from his downward spiral, barley. Seething, he looks over his shoulder and the pilot and RIO behind him. Slider has a look on his face he cannot even begin to unpack right now. 

“Peachy,” he mutters and turns his attention back to his other boot. There’s the telltale scuffle of footsteps leaving the room, but only one set, he realises belatedly. Slider comes into view and takes the boot he’s fighting with, teases the laces from where they’re wrapped in his fingers.  

He begins to untie the laces and Maverick can only grip the edge of the wooden seat and huffs out a sigh. “What are you doing?”

“Helping you. What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Maverick bites out. Slider eases the boot off his foot and sets it alongside the other one. 

“Really?” He asks, standing to full height. Maverick makes an angry sort of noise but decisively looks away. “Having a shower?” 

He nods. Deft fingers pull the zipper of his flight suit down and Maverick has no interest in doing anything to stop them. The sleeves are gently pulled down over his shoulders, warm hands ghosting the back of his neck. Maverick can’t help but shiver. 

“Talk to me,” Slider asks. “What’s your problem?” 

Maverick lifts his arms as Slider pulls his white polo up and over his head. It leaves him hunched over and exposed, the chill on his back rapidly cooling him down. 

“What’s got you so revved up you can't even untie your boot laces?” 

A million things come to mind and none of them are things he wants to tell Slider. They’re all too…real. He really thought at TOPGUN he might be lucky enough to forget the real world. And maybe he gets to come out the other side of this with the trophy, something real and solid to prove he’s the best. Prove that no matter what they think of his father, or of himself, he’s hot shit, he’s great. 

He’s good. 

Says so right there, he would say. Gold plaque and all. Me and Goose. We’re the best.

But he can’t tell Slider that. Can’t even tell him that he feels like shit for fucking up his one chance to prove he’s the best. And not only that, he’s dragging Goose down too. He’s sitting there, barfoot with just his flight suit rolled down to his waist. 

Slider’s hand moves to squeeze his jaw between thumb and forefinger. “Tell me.” 

He doesn’t want to. But Slider doesn’t sound like he’s asking. He takes a breath, trying to find the words. “I’m angry,” he says because it’s the easiest thing to say right now. 

“Why?”

He shakes his head. Slider squeezes his jaw. 

“Because I’m ruining my one chance,” he stammers. “To prove I’m the best.” 

He tenses, expecting another hard squeeze of his jaw. Instead, Slider’s hand slips to cup his cheek so gently Maverick thinks it hurts even more. “Is that all you want? To be called the best, so that you even believe it?”

A keen sort of noise hits the air and it sounds so strange; it’s a moment before he realises that it came from  him. Heat winds its way up his chest, all the way up to his ears. 

“You want to believe you’re the best?” Slider presses. “You want to feel like you’ve earned it?”

The anxious feeling in his gut from earlier flares, seizing his chest until his breathing turns shaky in the quiet room. Slider’s hit the nail on the head, just like that. He hushes Maverick, long fingers intertwining into his cropped hair. It’s a nice feeling, grounding.

Slider leans in close until his lips are right against Maverick’s ear. “You need to calm down.” 

Maverick gulps a breath in, holding it before blowing out for a s long as he can. Once more, he tries repeating it but it comes out faster this time. And faster again. Every ounce of anger he felt and he just can’t channel it into something else.  The energy is thrumming. He can’t stop. Warm hands envelope his own and Slider is guiding his shaking fingers against his chest. 

“Feel me, feel my breathing.” 

Beneath his fingertips he can feel the steady rise and fall of Slider’s chest, his strong heart beat. 

No wonder Ice flies with him. He’s like a rock. Maverick forces his breathing to align with Slider’s. Forces steady breaths in and out through his nose. 

When he looks up the look from before is gone in Slider’s eyes. Strangely, he wants it back. 

—

It’s vaguely concerning how often that Slider manages to find him alone. The late evening is mild tonight and it calls him outside long after everyone else has retired to bed. Eventually making the call to sneak back inside, he slips past the common area, where a light draws his attention. 

Slider stands with his back turned, head hunched as if he’s looking at something in his hands. 

“You alright, Sli?” 

There’s no immediate response. Slider pockets whatever he had and turns around to face Maverick head on. “Yeah, I’m fine. What are you doing out?”

He shrugs, eyes flitting to the windows. Faintly, the lights of Miramar twinkle in the distance. 

“Just felt like walking around.”

Slider smiles mildly. “You do a lot of things because you feel like it, don’t you?”

“No point doing something I don’t feel like,” he says with a smile. “What are you doing, lurking about in the shadows? Ice kicked you out?”

A lazy grin stretches across Slider’s face. He closes the space between them. “Maybe I was waiting for you.”

Goosebumps break out across Mav’s skin. 

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, thought I might jump you on the way back. Find out your secrets to being such a good pilot.” 

Something warm bubbles up inside of his chest. The praise makes him feel giddy and squirmy inside. When he speaks his voice comes out rough. 

“You think I’m a good pilot?”

“I think you’re a very good pilot,” he murmurs. A large hand reaches out to imbed itself into the cropped hair on the side of his head. The same feeling of being grounded floods his nervous system. “You’re a very good pilot with a very bad attitude.”

“So now I’m bad?” Maverick bats his eyelashes. There’s no denying that if either of them glanced down they’d see he was well past half-mast. So much for a calming walk in the night. “What are you going to do about that particular problem?” 

“Oh,” he croons. “I don’t know, Mav. What do you think I should do?” 

“Being thrown in HACQ has never really worked,” he mutters. A cautious hand rising to trace the vinyl design on Slider’s shirt. “Evidently being yelled at by a CO’s never really worked.” 

His eyes drift up to meet Slider’s. 

“Do you like being yelled at? All your flaws layed out in the dirt for everyone to see?”

No. No he fucking doesn’t. Because whether it’s in the dirt or not, everyone knows that they’re there. 

“Well, do you?”

He shakes his head. “No. Not really.”

“And you’re telling me that no one’s ever bent you over their knee to shake some sense into you?” Maverick shakes his head again. “You reckon I should try, see if we can’t shake that bad attitude so you can be a good little pilot?”

Green eyes, dimmed by the low light, look up and there’s something desperate in them. Desperate for the pleasure, desperate for the release. How good it would be for someone else to take his control, given freely and take the choice from his shoulders. Too good. 

“What do you say, Mav?” 

“Please,” he whispers as if someone might be around the corner. “Please.” 

Firm fingers press into his shoulder and turn him around, before urging him forward down the hall. He can feel every finger tip in the small of his back as Slider guides him towards his room. Upon entry, he takes in every piece of information he’s presented with. 

Slider is…organised in a way that looks everything but. His bedside table is overflowing with familial items whereas the desk is laden down with textbooks and paperwork. Amongst the disarray, Maverick sees the order. 

He’s guided towards the bed, a mirror of their previous interaction. Slider kneels down and slides the cowboy boots from his feet. He holds them a loft, pursing his lips and looks at Maverick out of the corner of his eye.

“What?” He asks petulantly. 

Slider feigns innocence. “I didn’t say anything.”

“Sure, sure.” 

“Brat.” 

Maverick grins. 

When Slider looks up, his eyes are ablaze with that look from the locker room. Something…hungry. It doesn’t make Maverick feel unsafe, quite the opposite. Beneath the gaze he feels warm and safe. Slider's fingers move to grasp the tail of his belt, the question of permission unspoken but heard. A nod of his head and Slider’s tugging the belt undone and pulling it free. All the while he remains kneeling in front of him. 

He helps Slider with the button of his jeans and stands, letting him shimmy the starched denim down his hips to the floor. 

[ilikelookingatthings]

Thoughts on Miraculous Ladybug : A Comment from YouTube I'm proud of about themes and Chloe

The thing that confuses me is theme wise Akumas are people who are hurt/have been wronged. who feel alone or like that hurt isn't being seen, who then lash out to try to make that hurt seen or help themselves...often in ways that don't make sense logically to us but makes sense to them in the heat of the negative emotions. but the point is these 'villains' are in fact victims. they are people who are hurting and who need help and when you find the core of their problem (represented by an item that often is connected to their problem) and acknowledge it/break it open. then your able to have a chance to actually talk to them/calm them down and give them the help they need.

the show has been pointing to the fact that the 'villains' are victims where in these cases we blame the ones who act like they understand or are there for the victims and who encourage them down bad paths(in this case hawkmoth).

but the show has used Chloe in particular to both have Marinette stand up to someone bad and not let them get away with stuff and shows if your firm about it they aren't unbeatable or that strong. and the show has used Chloe in particular to show as well that people are complex. that even if Mari personally doesn't like someone it doesn't mean they don't have problems and that they might need help seeing how to be better. Marinette went from seeing Chloe as simply evil to seeing how complex Chloe was (and honestly kind of pitiful).

so what I don't understand is if they make chloe completely unredeemable..... If we are supposed to take that at face value...why the HELL should I believe Mari would give Gabriel /hawkmoth a chance or any understanding when Gabe has been terrible all season and been terrible as hawkmoth?

if they invalidate the arc of Chloe which they had been using to teach Mari to reach out to the bad guy because they might be hurting and need help like the victims...why would I believe Mari would reach out to hawkmoth?

even more when WE the audience know that Chloe's downward spiral was a direct plan by Gabriel. hawkmoth isolated Chloe on a rooftop, cut of her line to signal to ladybug literally by cutting the wire to the signal, told her that her parents were targeted because of her, implying that he might keep doing so when she had no way to protect herself since she had understood ladybug saying she couldn't be a hero anymore for her and pollen's safety...just for Chloe to be targeted anyway and for pollen and the other Kwami being stolen and not been properly protected.

like I get why Mari and others think Chloe was just being her entitled self, upset about not being the bee....but WE the audience knows that Chloe only agreed to side with hawkmoth to free her parents who were hostages and because if she didn't he would have kept pollen and the rest...and she had no idea how he'd react if she rejected his offer when she literally couldn't protect herself AND the literally master at manipulating emotions dug directly into her insecurities that he set up with this scenario.

So while I get Mari misunderstanding Chloe at irredeemable.....WE the audience knows better and more about the situation.

it feels even weirder because Chloe's spiraling had a direct parallel to both Adrien and Marinette who relied on old behaviors to cope and distract from their real issues and semi pushed people away to not face those issues. Chloe being worse could work as relying on being mean to cope because THAT is what she knows and is good at. its familiar and she thinks (the literal biggest fan of ladybug) that she probably does feel guilty for what she did...but she can't take it back and burnt that bridge...so Chloe relying on being mean to try to feel a sense of control.

Pretending like she chose to be mean again on her own makes sense.

even more as a contrasting cry for help because Mari had others who would try to reach out to her where we got to see she was covering up her really issues and stress of her guilt of the loss of master fu. while Chloe was able to push everyone away and no one realized Chloe's actions were a cry for help.....

like, on one hand people have to face consequences for their choices...but on the other the show has spent the whole time reminding us that the people acting out are victims and the true villains are the ones who take advantage of their hurt to lead them into further bad actions...which could lead to people not seeing they need help.

why the hell is the show expecting me to hate Chloe and see her as irredeemable when her downfall was a direct plan by Gabriel/hawkmoth and Lila?! like I can understand believing she should know better but she KNOWS no one likes her which means she is vulnerable to emotional manipulation! and she was cornered into that big downfall she thinks she can't come back from since she failed the one person who had given her a chance.

she literally got replaced by her sister Zoey who everyone liked better and who found being nice easy to understand compared to Chloe who struggled and who's best progress came from trying to not disappointed Adrien and her teddy bear!

even more her father was the worst! he's racist, spoils Chloe but never gives her real attention/guidance and her mother literally hates her, thinks she's useless, forgets her name and bad talks her all the time and they going to stick Chloe with her mom who was the literally worst?

what's even more frustrating is while I could understand it being a 'this is what happens if you don't take the chances to change since it's not other people's jobs to fix you' it undercuts alot of lessons in previous episodes if Chloe is completely unredeemable!

[fanterfane]

The State of FanterFane, Now in ADHD!~

HEY YA'LL!

That's something I do now I guess, I say "YA'LL"! Either way, It's time for the first status update since the BIG ONE earlier this year. If you don't remember it or you're new, firstly, welcome, secondly, you can read it here: https://www.deviantart.com/fanterfane/journal/The-State-of-FanterFane-950469980. A lot of what I said here I'm still struggling with, and probably always will be, so it's still relevant. I've been told that several people have been recommended that post by Patreon because of it's high engagement, so I feel especial need to give the algorithm something better to serve. Also, this post is mainly about my struggles with ADHD, but it has other things and status updates sprinkled throughout. If you or someone you know has ADHD, I hope this helps!

For the sake of brevity though, I'll do a TL:DR right here. I developed carpal tunnel two months ago, and I've been working on treating it. It's been going pretty good lately, especially now that I finally have gotten my hands on ADHD medication after my long time lack thereof. As such, I've become much more productive and much, much happier! Things are looking up for me, and I'm hopeful for the future! Social acceptance for who I am now is still sometimes rough, but going better. SFW commissions have done wonders for my mental health, and I have plans for new art projects, commission queues, and more to try and do. I hope that you'll all continue to be the thing I get up for in the morning as I work to accomplish them! I'll be going on vacation next week, and I hope you all have a great summer!

Now for the super long part I don't fault anyone for NOT reading, here we go!

Earlier this year, it felt like I was spiraling down an unrecoverable path. Things I tried to do just wouldn't materialize. I would identify a problem like "My car is dirty" or "My room is messy" or even just "I should read and respond to this DM" and instead of working to solve it my anxiety would start up and make it so that I put it off. What if I messed it up? I was always so tired too, I just felt emotionless whenever I didn't feel sad. What if I just didn't deserve it anyway? What if all of this is a mistake? Those sorts of questions would plague me no matter what, preventing me from solving the very things giving me anxiety spiraling into even more anxiety. It was dumb, but mental health quite often is. It was getting so bad, that writing dialog and even just reading things started feeling like an anxiety induced dyslexic impossibility. For the longest time I assumed it was just depression, and that it would get better with time, but it hasn't over the years. Instead, it's only gotten worse year over year.

Now, I always get a little bit depressed every winter. Seasonal depression gets me down every year without fail, but this year was quite a bit more intense. The struggle between the two lives I live was really getting to me. I'd been doing ever more and more introspection, and discovering all the ways the way I was raised screwed me up definitely didn't help. Repressed memories often have a reason for being repressed. It doesn't help when the people you want to love you the most are the least supportive in your life, and might have even been partly the cause of some of your more unhealthy tendencies. Regardless of their intentions.

A big part of this issue though, I think at least, is that I've been unmedicated for my ADHD since High School. I stopped taking it as a Sophomore because I felt like I was smart enough to pass school without it, and that it wasn't helping me. The stigma against stimulants and medication in general was a big part of that decision. I was not self-aware enough at the time to realize that almost immediately my attention started suffering. It started slowly, too slowly for me to realize it at the moment, but gradually it became harder and harder to pay attention to class work over the years. It got so bad that in order for me to NOT fall asleep during class, I'd doodle on my classwork cause it kept me stimulated enough to stay awake. I'd always made good grades though, so I coasted through highschool on information osmosis and went on to community college, where it really started to catch up with me. Although again, I didn't realize it.

In community college, I had a couple of bad classes that really jarred me. Physics and Calculus. Physics was hard because the teacher was bad at teaching it, and 75% of that class failed the final, so I don't feel very bad about it. But the calculus class though, was the first time I'd ever felt like I'd failed myself in a class. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't understand the derivatives they tried to teach me. I passed, barely, but that was one of the times where I think my ADHD caught up to me, even if I didn't realize it. It wasn't much, but it was definitely a sign of things to come.

Once I got out of community college, I took a gap year between it and a longer stay at a university. During that time, I started trying to work on art more and more as a hobby. I started drawing possession, corruption, femboys, all that sorta  wonderful stuff. Then Covid hit. My gap year turned to two, and suddenly that was long enough for me to have started an actual *career* doing this. Which was beyond crazy to me. It motivated me to no end, I wanted nothing more than to create and have fun creating for all my followers.

In the end though, my ADHD caught up to me. Like it always does. Once the initial honeymoon phase was over, and I settled into the hum and drum of being an online digital artist, it reared its head again.

You see, ADHD is not something that goes away. You may not think about it, but it's always there. ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, potentially being renamed soon to the ASD spectrum, is a mental disorder affecting the brain's dopamine pathway. People with ADHD struggle because they have less dopamine for everything than most other people do. This either leads to hyperactivity, because you need to do MORE to feel the normal amount of reward chemical (how I was when I was younger). Or it leads to Inattention, because nothing you do feels rewarded or worthwhile (how I am now). There's just physically not enough dopamine being released in my brain for it to function properly most of the time. That's why ADHD is treated with stimulants like Adderall or Vyvanse, because they stimulate the release of more dopamine in the pathways. Making everything feel *right*. My symptoms may have changed over the years through things like masking and other stuff, but I realized recently that it never went away.

At the end of last year, I started watching ADHD Youtube videos that were recommended to me by my friends who also have ADHD. Lo and behold, a lot of what I was struggling with was the poster child of adulthood with ADHD. Anxiety, inability to do basic tasks, procrastination, lack of motivation, etc etc. I was especially hit hard by the concept of "Executive Dysfunction". Executive dysfunction, common with ADHD, impairs planning, task prioritization, memory, execution, and emotional regulation. All things I've been struggling with for years to various extents. Also things that got worse whenever I was depressed.

Naturally, the first thing someone might do to solve this, is get treated/medicated. So that's what I tried. I enrolled in a private health care plan (self-employment doesn't get healthcare through their employer, GO USA) just to find out that it was in the middle of a ADHD medication shortage. I was eligible to get approved for VyVanse, the meds I took when I was a kid, because they were 500$ a bottle. My insurance was 250$ a month. So they denied it, citing that I "Haven't tried the other medications." The ones that I tried getting, Adderall and a couple other ones, were never in stock. Even my friends who already had medication started being unable to get any at all. It was around that time that I made The State of FanterFane post, because this really hit me hard. I'd done everything I was supposed to, but the world still shot me down for it.

Then, on top of everything else, I developed Carpal Tunnel. Which screwed me up even more mentally and physically. Suddenly, even when I WAS motivated (which was getting rarer and rarer) I couldn't even draw then because my wrist was constantly in pain. It really started feeling like things really were unsalvageable. I truly felt without hope for the first time since college, and before that high school. Like everything I had done up to that point was pointless, and only resulted in me sacrificing my health for something that would've never worked out.

...Until the first week of this month, June 2023. When one of my friends was able to get their hands on Adderall again, signaling the end of the shortage. I immediately took my prescription to my local pharmacy, and got my first ever bottle of Adderall XR. I had high hopes for what it would do for me, but the thing I didn't expect was for me to regain hope.

The next day, I took my first dose and proceeded to start deep cleaning and rearranging my entire room. I did laundry, folded clothes, wiped away dust EVERYWHERE, organized my belongings and important files for the first time EVER, unpacked moving boxes that hadn't moved in 2 years and much, much more! Essentially, I turned my entire room upside down over the course of a week. I can't really put into words just how liberating it felt, how finally being able to just see a problem, and then solve it immediately without any anxiety or self-doubt changed *everything*. Even better, every task completed was less anxiety to affect me whenever I felt down or depressed. I can't hate myself for having a messy room when it's so clean, it's literally *rearranged* after all!

To put it simply, it felt like my brain was *working again*. For the first time in literal YEARS. Once I was done cleaning, I moved onto working on art, posting, responding to messages and sorting personal files. These past three weeks have been three of the most productive weeks I've had in a very long time. I feel like I've not been this productive since the initial honeymoon phase of Dullahan Dilemma and the Attenborough collection (callback!). All the while, I got better at treating my carpal tunnel, to the point where it's not constantly pins and needling me anymore, and it even feels just generally better all the time! I've been getting better and better at doing various tasks, and I believe I'm truly on the road to recovery now.

Things from here are looking up! Genuinely! I wouldn't be here either if it wasn't for all of you kind people supporting me, even through the toughest times. I'm beyond grateful for that. I'd worship the ground you all walk on if I could. Without ya'll, I would not be here today. Forgive me for taking on a somewhat political tone, but I have no idea who I'd even be at this point without all of you, and all of my wonderful friends that I’ve met while doing this. Perhaps I'd have fallen deeper into the alt-right pipeline as a disenfranchised southern white guy. Becoming more homophobic and repressing my inner self even more than I already had been my entire life due to my upbringing. That was the only place I felt like I could fit into the conservative worldview my folks raised me in, after all. Maybe I would've gone back to school for a degree I couldn't use and in debt, landing in a terrible corporate job that didn't care for me. At least I would've got health insurance then, but also maybe all of my health problems would've gotten worse and worse and never got better, since I never would've had the motivation to fix them by working out, losing weight, and watching my diet. I honestly don't know, and thinking too deeply about the "what-ifs'' of it is pointless.

But now, what I can say is that when all the anxiety clears and the depression abates, I'm truly happy. For the first time in my life, I feel like I actually have an identity. Like my emotions actually do matter and that I'm not just some soulless machine whose only goal in life is to make money. I'm a human being. Although I may not be created in God's image, I have thoughts, feelings, and most importantly, flaws. I'm gay/bisexual, I'm not very masculine nor do I desire to be so, I like having long hair, and I like doing more effeminate things that most guys in the crowd I was falling into would balk at and blame on chemicals in the water. In other words, I feel healthier than ever. Mentally AND physically. I thank all of you, each and every single one, for staying with me throughout all of this. If any of you ever feel like you wanna reach out, especially if I can help you in some comparatively small way, please do. My DMs are always open, it's the LEAST I can do.

Some other things I should touch on- I've gotten a lot of surprising support for my transition from my extended family and friends. The closest is still the most difficult, I can't get my nails painted for instance, I was told not to when I asked, much to my chagrin. I've got a pride bracelet I've been wearing around, and no one has said anything about it, so that's good I suppose. Fox news still blares on the television in the living room, even after all the stuff that's gone down with *that* channel in recent times. I've given up on trying to convince them otherwise. I’ve been discredited anyway because I draw "X-rated shit", that doesn't make enough money. Even though as far as most people my generation are faring financially, I'm doing pretty good!

The SFW commissions have been going fantastic! Especially on the mental health side of things. It's helped me realize that I do in fact, have options. I'm not trapped doing one thing forever, which is honestly the thing that was scaring me the most. Just like the threat of a soul-draining corporate job till the day I die. I don't have to worry about what I'll be doing in 10 years, because I think I've built enough support and especially self-taught skill that no matter what I do, I'll be okay. It's only up from here, and I've even been feeling the flame of passion returning for TF and other lewdness! So you can for sure expect to see much more of that over the next few years, no matter what!

Speaking of money though, I have more plans for the future now too. I'm gonna make more money by doing more commissions and creating more sources of revenue. Just so that I can afford to move out, and get away from this toxic environment I find myself in. The cheapest apartments where I live run for about 750$ a month, so I'm hoping to save up over the next year and move the hell out. I think I'll be able to afford it, provided there are no extraneous events that hurt me financially. I'll be trying things like more YCH's, sketch commission streams like the patreon request streams, art packs, and maybe even merch! Ya'll be the first to be notified about any of this. The first YCH auction will hopefully be this weekend! It will be based on Nyan Cat possession, and the MC will be trying to run away from the cringey 2000's era meme culture that haunts them to this day. Thing is, the past has a funny way of coming back to haunt you!~

Finally, I'm going on vacation next week to see some friends in LA! If you're someone I know/trust around the LA area, and you wanna meet up, let me know in DMs and we'll see if we can arrange it! I may take a further vacation the week after for rest, but after that we'll be back to regularly scheduled LEWDNESS work!

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for coming with me and supporting me on this journey. Happy pride month, and I hope everyone has a great Summer! I love all of you! Here's to several more years of FanterFane!

XOXO,

FanterFane

[jellovella]

a thought blob about maws ep 6

i think like. the latest superman ep. i'm glad it ended up becoming clear to jimmy and lois that clark wasn't hiding it bc he didn't trust them specifically but bc he was just scared especially since he hadn't told anyone anything like that ever before, and that they made it clear that they accepted him for who he is and ended up pretty understanding about the whole thing despite being mad at first, like idk it feels like a pretty cool queer analogy imo especially when it's put side by side with the literal queer relationship facing the same fears of being ostracized...

... but i still really feel like the whole lois trust issues thing hasn't been resolved. i think it will be in future episodes considering not only is their relationship the backbone of the whole series, but also the general is probably her goddamn dad, who's also the same guy who gave her the issues in question. but i think her arc of realizing that constantly demanding answers from everyone around her and putting herself and others in dangerous situations to satisfy both her fear of being out of the loop and also her need to pursue her own ambitions is not very good, is definitely not quite done yet?

and people are probably gonna use that as an excuse to be dicks and complain about her character being poorly written or whatever, but this definitely seems to be something she's been set up for from the very beginning, and just bc she's still not quite getting it (she was mad that jimmy didn't tell her for crying out loud!!! it's not even his secret to tell!!!) doesn't necessarily mean she won't. she clearly has unresolved problems that can't just be magicked away in this one episode, the trust issues run deep, i mean come on she was scared that he was faking having feelings for her bc of this shit. she was probably scared the whole clark thing was just a facade, which isn't entirely unreasonable, i mean hey in some iterations it IS a facade, but like she clearly has had some pretty bad experiences with having secrets kept from her that would make her spiral off into thinking like this...

anyway point is it's not out of character or bad writing for her to behave like this, it makes sense entirely considering how she's behaved all season and the past parts of herself that she has shared. saying her character was ruined by this stuff just doesn't make any sense to me bc like. she's literally been like this from the start! obsessing over finding answers! only it turns out it's not just bc she wants to get recognition but also bc she's so used to being left out of the loop that now she's become desperate to be in the loop as much as possible! a character doing shitty things due to unresolved emotional issues isn't bad writing y'all and it also doesn't make her the goddamn antichrist. this is a kid's show. chill out

[distort-opia]

so i just enjoy the batfam totally from the outside, i've never read the comics, i've only seen the nolan movies, and i've seen maybe an episode or two of the animated series. i find the family dynamic interesting so i follow people who talk about it, and maybe i'll actually dive in someday haha but WOW!! your tags on that post about jason's death and bruce's reaction really just blew me away. it seems like cynically realistic view of what might really happen between family members with a strained relationship like theirs seems to be, and it's painful to read about! of course, it could all be done with the intention of the fans leaving with the thought that bruce is a Good Guy, but still. it feels real in a really sad way. is this story from the comics? if so, do you know which series?

Hey! Yeah... That's the thing I find fascinating too, regarding that whole conundrum I mention in my tags to this post. When it comes to Bruce and Jason and Joker, the Watsonian and Doylist perspectives are both needed to understand the dynamics. DC bringing Jason back from the dead to create conflict with Batman… and then deciding to keep the character, but not really knowing what to do with him. Jason could not be allowed to challenge Bruce too much, make Bruce look too much like he's in the wrong, because Batman is the hero. Batman is the main character. So what we ended up with was a narrative skewed hard in Bruce's favor, one that does things like putting the blame on Jason for his own death and writing Jason as forgiving things that are hard to imagine ever being forgiven. And this couldn't be done without making Bruce express this attitude as well, which is what I was referring to-- within-Universe, this reads as Bruce being unable to accept that he has wronged Jason, and resorting to defense mechanisms mired in denial and repression. To stave off his guilt.

I do agree it's compelling though, from a character point of view... it makes sense in a tragic kind of way. Bruce was crushed by grief and guilt after Jason's death, he entered a spiral that was only broken by Tim and Dick's intervention. And then Jason came back, and confronted Bruce with a very difficult choice, borne from his anger at seeing that Joker suffered no consequences after killing him. And thing is, I am of the opinion Bruce's choice not to commit murder, even Joker's, is valid. (And also, that Bruce did do something; he refused to save Joker's life after Jason was killed, but Joker survived anyway.) The problem is... you know, Bruce slitting Jason's throat to save Joker's life. An almost-murder of his adopted son to avoid the murder of the guy who killed him. And how do you live with that, I suppose? Other than scrambling for every justification under the sun and burying yourself under mountains of denial? If Bruce reacted so strongly to Jason's death, how would he be able to keep going if he accepted the fact he nearly killed Jason himself? It's an incredibly selfish choice to shift blame onto Jason instead, make everything about Jason's death and not at all about the events of UtRH... but it makes sense in the context of Bruce defending himself from a grief and guilt he cannot come back from. Jason having committed crimes and killing people made it easier for Bruce to do this, too. Hide behind Jason's "instability".

Oof, ended up rambling again, sorry for how long this gets! I gotta say though, I'm not primarily a Batfam fan; I've got a similar approach to you, Anon. Making the note because there's definitely some comic-knowledgeable Batfam experts out there who are better equipped to speak on the topic. Alas, when asking about the story itself, I assume you mean Jason's death and return? Because if you want to read about that, I'd recommend the following (in this order):

Batman: A Death in the Family (Jason's murder)

Batman: A Lonely Place of Dying (for Bruce's reaction to Jason's death)

Optional: The Batman Files (Bruce's journal entry regarding Jason's death, which is a contradictory combination of blaming himself and Jason for it)

Optional: Batman: Gotham Knights #43-44 (for Bruce's recall of the events and a story that suggests that, even if Jason had been an emotional and reckless teenager, Bruce as an adult should have made better choices regarding him-- shoutout to Barbara)

Optional: Batman (1940) Annual #25 (Jason coming back to life)

Optional: Red Hood: The Lost Days (Jason's time after being resurrected and prior to coming back to Gotham)

Batman: Under the Red Hood (Jason's return)

And I guess if you want a sampler of what Bruce sounds like at his shittiest when doing the stuff described, there's Batman: Battle for the Cowl #3, in which Bruce leaves Jason a message post-mortem. It's not a very nice message. And I wish I could say Bruce at least doesn't do more shitty things regarding Jason even after all of that, but I'd have to be lying.

[astriiformes]

Poking and prodding at my brain now that I have another potential dose of context for why it melts down and spirals over things so often and like. Putting everything in a list there really is a pattern I should have been paying more attention to probably, but have always just identified as bad anxiety or neurodivergent quirks

That said, it is also making me feel immensely lonely because I have lots of neurodivergent and anxious friends I've gone to for advice over the years, but I'm realizing that my possible pure-obsessive OCD and scrupulosity tendencies may be why I've often responded poorly to their attempts at help. Which is good to understand, and ultimately may help me tell them what I do need but. Also means I am suddenly hyper aware of how irrational the stuff I can't help but meltdown over is, and feel really stupid for it and also like the people I'm closest to aren't going to have much advice for me.

Anyways. For my own connecting-the-dots purposes. Some very normal thoughts I have had breakdowns over before:

As a kid who was raised Evangelical, had a pretty classic case of the religious/blasphemous intrusive thoughts often associated with OCD that caused me an immense amount of distress. This one has calmed down entirely now that I have extricated myself from that environment, but also for a couple years after leaving the church I would have similar thought spirals literally any time someone mentioned the concept of the afterlife/hell.

Adjacently, the second part contributed to me having a fear of death so intense for a while that I once broke down crying in my mom's car during the 7-minute drive from my dad's place to hers on a night where there were no other cars on the road because I was so convinced we were going to die in a car crash.

Unfortunate fact: I was trying to get into Discworld at the time and read Mort while all this was going on and my opinion of the series has never quite recovered.

.......Have multiple friends very into Discworld and used to spiral any time it got mentioned because it felt like a moral flaw that it stressed me out so much because I shouldn't feel that way about something to important to my friends, and additionally felt like it would be, essentially, thoughtcrime to blacklist it.

(This is better now and I am probably going to give the books another try, but for a while I was very stupid about it)

Spent actual years searching for a place to buy gatorade powder that wasn't Walmart or Amazon even though I need it for actual health reasons, because they were the only places I could find it and I have an obsessive avoidance of both companies and couldn't bear the thought of buying from them for the first time in years. Over something I needed. For my health.

Opposite of the Discworld problem: some of my friends have problems with a TV show I like which means I have spent entire evenings crying myself to sleep with guilt because obviously I cannot like things that the people in my life are bothered by

I am not joking I missed class regularly as a result of the last one for several weeks, I was so distraught.

And like I also have dealt with a lot of other things over the years, including really upsetting intrusive thoughts (usually of the "what if something violent and gory happened to you and/or your loved ones," variety, with a side of self-harming and suicidal thoughts -- being a really visual thinker makes this particularly terrible) and constant spiraling over perceived social/moral missteps.

And I guess I'm feeling kind of frustrated because so many people have latched onto the more... hm... relatable I guess aspects of my anxiety in ways that have made me think the above are like. Normal for someone with really bad anxiety (and trauma too, I guess, though I think that really is the source of some of them) and I've fallen into beating myself up over not being able to overcome mine the way everybody else seems to. And now I still don't even entirely feel like I'm allowed to self-diagnose any of this as OCD specifically but I'm also realizing that there is something much more fucked up and irrational happening in my brain than I thought because I just assumed this was how mental illness was for everyone and I was just. Really bad at managing it.