#But it's not depression bc I haven't been feeling down for long enough

[softxsuki]

i wanted to know for the urgent request if it could be for the obey me! boys, mammon, levi, satan, asmo, and barbatos when reader has been really down and depressed and even told them they thought about committing so they comfort them for it? i haven't gotten any comforting recently and i love your writing so i was hoping you could do this :( <3

Obey Me Boys Comforting Reader With Depression

TW: PLEASE DON'T READ IF MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, SELF-HARM, AND THOUGHTS OF SUC*DE WILL MAKE YOU FEEL WORSE RATHER THAN COMFORT YOU. THANKS

Pairing: Mammon x Gn!Reader, Levi(OM) x Gn!reader, Satan x Gn!reader, Asmo x Gn!Reader, Barbatos x Gn!reader

Warnings: mentions of self-harming and old/new scars, depression, and mentions of reader wanting/thinking of taking their own life

Genre: Comfort

Post-Type: Headcanons

Word Count: 1.8k

Summary: In which the boys find out that MC is feeling depressed and thought of taking their own life, and that they also self-harm, so they provide MC with comfort in their own way :)

[A/N: Kya!!! Thank you so much for trusting me with your urgent request! I hope I did an okay job with it. It's been a little while since I last played Obey me, so I cam very much behind with it (and I'm stuck on the regular game bc I can't level up mu cards fast enough. rip) but I really hope this brings you some kind of comfort. I'm here if you ever need anyone to talk to if if you just need someone to listen to you. Feel better soon <333]

Mammon:

Mammon notices the sudden change in your mood straight away since he’s always around you

He does his best to try and cheer you up without directly confronting you about it

So he’d invite you out with him and might even spoil you with pretty things in hopes that using his money on you helps distract you from whatever you’re feeling

But that all changes when he sees your self-harm scars

Fear fills him and he knows he can’t just avoid the topic anymore, he doesn’t want to see you in pain or have you harm yourself anymore

So one day when you’re out with him in town, he softly takes your hand and leads you to a bench away from the hustle and bustle of the town

He’s a little cautious, he’s not really good with being direct about his feelings, especially not with you because he gets so nervous and this was serious…he was scared to mess up

“Y’know MC…I may not be the best person to go to about troubling things in your life, but I want ya to know that I’m here for you. I…don’t want to lose you. Actually, I can’t lose you–never. So maybe things are hard for ya right now, but you’re one of the most important people in my life. Your problems are The Great Mammon’s problems as well, so let me in, won’t ya?”

He’s awkwardly rubbing his neck now as he feels his face heating up, but at least he got everything he wanted to say out

So when you do open up to him about your depression, self-harm, and thoughts of taking your own life, he feels relieved that you are finally speaking about it with someone, but he’s also scared that you’ve been feeling that way and he had been trying to ignore it for so long

He’s scared to let you out of his sight after that, so if he shows up to your room at 3am with a spare pillow, you know why

Mammon’s always inviting you to his room as well so you can watch stuff together until you fall asleep

Extra clingy Mammon who’ll probably bug you about how you’re feelings every few minutes, but at least you know someone cares

You’d find all your issues slowly dissolving as he covers you with love and attention, just don’t block him out

Leviathan:

Oh boy, Levi is very overdramatic when he finds out what’s been going on with you

He’s beyond scared to lose you–you’re his only best friend after all, the one who truly understands him and cares for him unconditionally

“I-I’m sorry I didn’t realize MC. I’m such a good-for-nothing. I can’t even tell when the person I care about the most is going through a tough time. Y-you’re amazing MC! You’re one of the best people I know, unlike all these other normies out there. You’re always so kind to me and I just hate that I couldn’t be there for you when you needed me…”

Yeah, he’s definitely beating himself up about it because how could he not realize???

“You’re always here for me, that’s why you’re the only one I felt comfortable telling this to. Please don’t blame yourself…I kinda didn’t want anyone to know at first; I thought I could deal with it on my own…” You’d explain to him

He’s a little relieved to hear it, but it still won’t make him feel any better

Levi is always throwing himself in the ground, so not being there for you at a time when you really needed him AND when he could have potentially lost you, scares him to death

Like Mammon, he keeps you by his side, but in your room since he sleeps in his tub and that’s not very comfortable for you LOL

He’d move all his games and game stations into your room and make a little base there to stay by your side until you’re feeling better

He probably goes to one of his older brothers who are more responsible like Lucifer or Satan and asks for their advice (without giving you away ofc. He’d make it sound like one of his online friends are dealing with this issue since you only trusted him with this info)

He’s very awkward and shy at times, but he’s glad that you trusted him to let him in on the pain you were feeling internally. He makes it his mission (literally, like he’s playing a game, but knowing that it’s far more serious) to get you back on your feet and in a better mental state

And we all know Levi is good at games, so this is one he won’t fail either :)

Satan:

Satan reads a lot, books of all genres, so he picked up on your sudden change in behavior very quickly and he’s actually the one who goes to you first to talk about it

“What’s going on?” He bluntly asks one day when you’re in his room reading with him in a peaceful silence

That catches you off guard…did he know? You could see the serious look on his face so you decide to just open up to him about everything; the depression, the self-harm, and even the thoughts that flash through your mind of taking your own life

Satan listens silently as you speak, taking in all your words and you see his eyes soften the more you reveal to him

“I see…” he’s lost in thought for a moment, but then stands up and walks over to you, taking your hands in his as he leaves a gentle kiss to the back of your hand. “I knew something was up, but I wanted to hear it from you before I assumed too much. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling this way. I’m here though, and now that I know what’s going on, I’ll do anything and everything I can to ensure you feel better.”

And he really will

Whenever you come over to his room to do your daily reading together in each others presence, he spends his time reading books on mental health that give him plenty of advice on how to best help you

He isn’t overbearing though, he gives you your space and allows you to reach out to him whenever you need him, only checking up on you when it seems appropriate so you don’t feel suffocated, but deep down he is worried and scared to lose you

So he offers you his own help, but also asks if you’d like to go to the human world to see or speak to a professional who might be more helpful to you than he could be

He even volunteers to go along with you if you don’t want to go alone–he just wants you to be happy again to not feel so claustrophobic in your own skin

Whatever you decide to do, just know that you have his 10000000% support

Asmodeus:

This man is very dramatic as well, but in a different way than Levi…

He throws tons of compliments your way in hopes that they help lift you up, but really, he’s better at giving physical acts of care

SO, your self-harm scars? He goes out of his way to wash them up and lotion them up, pressing small kisses the the older scars and newer ones as well

“Even with these marks, your skin is still as soft and beautiful as ever, darling. My lovely MC, I’ll do everything I can to take care of you from now on. I’ll pamper you everyday and remind you how much you mean to me, so please don’t harm yourself any longer…”

Asmo isn’t one to be very serious at times, but he knows now isn’t the time to joke around with you, so he’s uncharacteristically very serious, yet still as charming as ever

He’ll treat you to extra tight hugs and kisses, a little scared to let go in fear that he’d never be able to hold you again, so bear with him a little…he can be a bit suffocating

He isn’t the best listener or remarkably great at giving advice that doesn’t have anything to do with fashion or beauty, so he’d probably go to Lucifer for help, or maybe even Solomon, who’s more familiar with human emotions like depression

Anything you need or want, Asmo will get it for you

Get ready to feel more loved than you’ve ever felt before in your life

Barbatos:

He knows…of course he knows, Barbatos knows everything 😀

The first time you attempted to self-harm, he was there to stop you, so you never even got the chance

What he didn’t know about though was your thoughts of attempting to take your life, since you never actually made the move to do it, you only really thought about it

So when he sits down with you to hear you out about attempting to self-harm and you open up about your other darker secrets as well, he’s shocked

Momentarily, it’ll show on his face, but he’ll catch himself and gently smile to you as you continue to speak your mind

He doesn't want you to feel embarrassed by any of this or to beat yourself up for getting caught or for feeling what you feel–you were human and humans experienced moments of intense emotions that they can’t control sometimes, he understood this very well

“Oh dear MC, I am relieved that I was able to stop you this time. Though, I must admit I do feel particularly regretful that I am not able to read minds so I could put your own mind to rest from your dark thoughts. Now that I am aware of everything, I shall do my best to assist you in recovering mentally”

He’s not the most emotional guy out there, but you know he cares for you and when Barbatos dedicates his time and attention to something, he WILL get it done

Barbatos takes your hand in his and presses a delicate kiss onto each of your fingers, and leans his head onto the back of your hand, in almost a way that he’s ready and willing to serve you (not that he didn’t already, but it’s more of like his own way of physically showing his dedication to you??? Does that make sense? KINDA like when a knight is knighted and vows to protect whoever he’s assigned to??? Am I making sense? hopefully…)

He doesn’t need to keep an eye on you because he’d be able to stop you anyway if you ever decided to do anything drastic, but he does free up time in his busy schedule to be with you, he’s dedicated to serving Diavolo, but you very quickly become his number one priority (you already were, but he was never aware of it himself lol)

I don’t know, but I just feel like Barbatos is such a soothing person to be with, his voice is like silk, it wraps you up like a warm blanket and feels like a big tight hug when you need it the most

SO I imagine you’d feel better pretty quickly with all the attention he’s giving you, and the warm tea he makes you????! You’re set for life, get ready to feel brand new

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted: 7/11/2023

[hyperfixation-fix]

Aight so.

Just reblogged a post that mentioned Nico canonically having depression (totally agree), but I wanted to talk about my other headcanons around Nico's mental health AND MORE IMPORTANTLY his recovery journey.

(AN IMPORTANT NOTE: I'm very wary of talking about headcanons involving mental illness, bc it can easily cross the line into romanticising mental illness. I grew up in that kind of online space, and it's toxic af and makes recovery almost impossible. So I want to emphasise, especially for younger fans who read this - Nico gets better, canonically and in my headcanons. So did I. So will you. It takes work, and often it's not a painless or pretty process, but it's so much better than letting yourself rot away in the dark. Romanticise being well, being happy, and getting better.)

In my head, Nico is autistic. But I think he's been so traumatised and so dissociated for so long that he doesn't even really realise how much things affect him, how much easier things could be if he gave himself permission to be the way he is.

FOR EXAMPLE. I think he is specifically very sensory-sensitive, but he's so disconnected from his body and brain that he doesn't really realise it. He just always feels Bad™️ and has never been safe enough to figure out why. So then, once he gets comfortable at CHB and really starts to finally feel safe and present, he starts to slowly untangle things bit by bit. Will is a big part of this - he's very intuitive and notices stress queues in Nico before Nico even realises he's stressed.

It starts off with Will noticing Nico avoiding crowds, which isn't necessarily weird for a kid who spent the last several years with ghosts, but then he realises it's not actually the people that bother him. It's the noise. Like, Nico avoids the Apollo Cabin as much as possible, even when it's completely empty except for Will, bc it's constantly got music playing a little too loud. Nico doesn't even really know why he doesn't like it and doesn't really bother thinking much about it, but Will is like "huh that's interesting". And, as he gets closer with Nico, that pattern becomes more and more apparent - in noisy places, Nico becomes tense and guarded, but in quiet places he's more relaxed. Then Will notices Nico's sensitivity to textures. Some clothes are consistently "grumpy Nico clothes" and some are "happy Nico clothes".

Will decides to run little experiments, making subtle changes around Nico and taking note of Nico's reaction. For example, suggesting Nico change clothes before a date because "I like the black jeans better" ie "the black jeans are a softer denim and stiff denim makes you grumpy". Or swapping out Nico's sheets bc "whoops my bad, I was practicing wound cleaning and spilled supplies all over them! But don't worry, I've replaced them with a new set so it's all good," ie "your sheets were cheapass 100% cotton and rough af and that's why you haven't had a good night's sleep like, ever, so here's a high-quality satin (or whatever, idk fabrics) set that probably won't bother you as much." And lo and behold, Nico sleeps like a baby every night after that. Or orchestrating a whole plan to get Nico into the Apollo Cabin when it's quiet (music gets turned low, siblings are threatened with weeks of dish duty if they don't keep it down), and seeing if he's less on edge. AND HE IS.

And eventually Nico picks up on Will's increasingly elaborate accommodation experiments (Will is simply having way too much fun at this point - he feels super sneaky, finds it hilarious that Nico still isn't noticing, and also just loves seeing Nico less stressed out) and is like "Solace I know you're up to something, out with it or else." And at that point Will is like "ok bet" and pulls out a fucking spreadsheet (Annabeth taught him how to use excel (yeh I know demigods don't vibe with tech but this is my headcannon so deal with it) with great joy and little-to-no interest in why he actually wanted to learn) with a bunch of Nico's triggers and sensitivities and the success rates of different accommodations. Nico is like "I'm actually going to kill you, you've been fucking with my brain for months????" but is barely containing how curious he is and how sweet he actually finds it that Will has thought so much about how to make Nico happy. But Will knows, especially when Nico, even while grumbling, takes the spreadsheet with him.

The next day Will presents Nico with a present he was saving for the final big-reveal: some loop earplugs or something similar. Discrete and practical 😌 Will just leaves them next to Nico's bed with a cute lil sticky note that says "Before you orchestrate my untimely demise as promised, give these a go. Consider it the last request of a dead man walking ;) love you Neeks x".

And that's that. The earplugs make a massive difference, much to Nico's surprise and Will's smug satisfaction, and from then on Nico starts to reconnect with himself and gets better and better at recognising things that make him more comfortable, and using them. Will considers his experiment over (a resounding success, of course), but is unwaveringly supportive and helpful as Nico figures stuff out.

Lol that became very long sorry, but it made me happy to write it out hehehe

[iamthecomet]

hey comet, I've disappeared a little bc my shitty ass depression kicked in again :/ I'm still bad but... could i get some domestic rulti love please? no smut pls, just swiss being so in love with his pretty boyfriend and rain thinking like "Satan he's so stupid i love him" and being all shy with all of swiss's loving pleasee

-📼

Hi! I'm sorry this took me a second. I wanted to get to it as soon as i got it because I love you and you deserve the world. But my brain is mush and I needed a break. I'm here now. And you still deserve the world. I'm sorry that you've got the bad feelings again. Sending you love and good thoughts. Take as much time as you need. ♥♥♥

Swiss doesn't particularly like abbey chores. He's never been able to figure out why band ghouls still have to do them. Imperator told him it's because they all have to pull their weight. But that doesn't really make sense. Isn't being in the band doing that? Isn't touring around the world and spreading the word enough? Apparently not. But lately, he's started enjoying them a little more. Not because they've gotten better. They haven't. He's still sick of dusting votives and shining silver. He hates mopping. Hates spending half of his day in the dark halls of the chapel, cleaning and tidying. It's better now, because Rain's here. Rain swapped out his kitchen duty sometime last month, out of the blue. He showed up in the chapel in the middle of the day. The way he smiled made Swiss' knees wobble. Not that he'll ever admit it. Now, it's better. It's better because Swiss can watch Rain dust votives and shine silver. He spends more time admiring Rain's unfair bone structure than he does actually cleaning. Rain notices. He's caught Swiss staring at him plenty of times. But he never says anything. A light blush just rises to his gray cheeks, blue tinting under delicate skin. Swiss wants to brush his fingers over it, feel the heat of it. "Are you going to make me do all the work?" Rain asks, looking over at him, eyes creasing at the corners as he smiles. "I can't help it, Raincloud," Swiss whispers, he takes the silver candlestick out of Rain's hands and starts to work on it. Rain chuckles at him under his breath. "I can't stop looking at you." Rain's blush deepens, he looks away, grabbing for another candlestick. He fumbles it, it clatters to the stone floor. The noise echoes through the chapel and Rain winces, curling into himself. "I've got the silver. Go mop, maybe we can get out of here early." Rain turns to go, then pauses, he turns back to press a quick kiss to Swiss' temple before he heads off for the broom closet. Swiss watches him go. He wasn't lying, he really can't drag his eyes away from him. He loves him. It's such a human thing. He'd never felt anything like it until he'd been wrenched topside. And now, it consumes him. A warmth that spreads through his chest every time Rain looks his way. When he sits next to him at Mass and they lace their fingers together he gets butterflies in his stomach. Like he's some lovesick teenager instead of an ancient hellbeast. If it wasn't Rain, he might have been able to resist it. If he'd fallen for Dewdrop, or Aether he might have been able to smother it. But Rain? He was a goner the second Rain turned his cerulean eyes on him. Swiss' mission in life is to turn Rain's perpetual resting bitch face into a smile. To drag the reserved water ghoul out of his shell. To make Rain laugh. "Swiss," Rain says, from across the room. He's been caught again. He doesn't even have the decency to feel bad about it.

"Yeah, Raincloud?" "I thought you wanted to get out of here early?" Swiss looks at him, the permanent pout to his lips, the way his curls always hang in his eyes. He feels his beauty like a jolt to the chest. He puts the candle stick down. He closes the distance in three long strides. He takes Rain's face in his hands and kisses him softly, it's almost chaste. "We could play hooky instead," Swiss suggests. He cards his thumbs over Rain's cool cheekbones. Rain bites his lip, eyes darting between Swiss' while he tries to figure out what Swiss is talking about. "And do what?" "Go out to the lake. Lay in the sun. Have a picnic, I don't know?" Rain laughs, shaking his head. "A picnic?" "C'mon, Rain." "You just want--"

"No," Swiss cuts him off. "I don't. Want to see the way the sun brings out the blue in your hair. I want to see you in your element. I want to count the freckles on your cheeks. I want--" "You're an idiot," Rain says, still chuckling at him. "Maybe, but I'm yours." Rain bends to press his forehead to Swiss'. He closes his eyes. He's all Swiss can smell, lake water, petrichor, something clean and cool and otherworldly. "Sister will kill us." "Sister won't know." "We're not even halfway done," Rain points out. "Dew owes me a favor." Rain scoffs, but he doesn't say no. He doesn't open his eyes, he inhales sharply. One of his hands comes up to rest over Swiss' heart. Swiss feels the moment he gives in. There's a small sigh, the sag of his shoulders. Swiss' grin stretches from ear to ear. "Fine," Rain smiles, finally opening his eyes. "But I want snacks too." Swiss laughs. He grabs Rain's hand and pulls him towards the chapel door, towards freedom. "Anything you want, Lily Pad."

[koreandragon]

Kdramas are in such a sorry state lately it's so sad. We're getting all these sequels for shows that mostly weren't supposed to have multiple seasons so they're a mess bc they have no story to tell. They're all dazzle razzle and no actual decent writing (taxi driver, nine tailed fox, romantic doctor etc) and then we have the 500 crime/thriller shows which are mostly deeply mediocre or downright awful. At least with romcoms if the chemistry is good and the character work is decent enough you can have a really fun show. With these dramas most of it hinges on a well written plot at which the majority fail spectacularly. News came out a few weeks ago that there are 80 dramas made that might never air bc they have no platform bc all the big ones cut the wen-thurs slot except jtbc so there are 80 dramas that will most likely rot after so much hard work and these could be great dramas, because their criteria is it will air if it has big names in it, so this is not a quality issue. Netflix really f*cked us, not only did it start the collapse of the us industry( writers are striking, actors are about to strike, shows are getting cancelled after 1/2 seasons and 8 episodes, shows getting purged for a buck, everyone is only looking for IP with big names and no one cares about good ideas or creativity) it also insidiously burrowed into the kdrama industry and changed the genres of dramas we get, the number of episodes we get, even the sequels bc it used to be no matter how huge a shows ratings were, the worst they could do was an extension, sequels weren't a thing that happened except very rarely in prodecurals like ten or vampire prosecutor. The entire thing is a sad state of affairs, another case of tech bros devastating an industry (I'm referring to the US tv/movie industry) they don't understand to line their pockets and moving on to the next one while the wreckage left in their wake will never be salvaged.

anon i absolutely agree. this is such a depressing topic for me especially because i just love cinema so much. my parents raised me to love movies then i eventually fell in love with tv shows and kdramas and it literally kills me to see the downfall of these amazing comforts in my life. i think the main reason why i haven't been here is because i just wasn't feeling like dragging through another kdrama with a medicore plot. y'all know what i was doing instead? watching old movies i've been meaning to watch for a long time or rewatching classics. you hear this every day and you could jump me for it but...they don't make them like they used to anymore. and idc how corny it sounds cause it's fucking true. exluding some very good recent movies where people making it still care about making an enjoyable piece of media (i don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of tom cruise or top gun, maverick was the only new movie in a long time that made me feel like i used to while watching movies and i literally cannot wait for the new mission impossible film). i'm a 100% with the writers strike, i really hope that they can get what they want and we will finally get back at least a fraction of something that was lost along the way. netflix was supposed to make things accessible, not turn the industry upside down and inside out then light it on fire and piss on the flames. every time i read a season 2 announcement of a kdrama i just go UGHHHHHHH. why are we adding seasons to a show that doesn't need it and why are we cancelling seasons for shows that needed to go longer to tell a story? what's the fucking rationale? oh oh OH mONEy???? netflix don't have enough MONEYYYY??? can't pay residuals to writers or renew a show that has moved people and has more story to tell but has money to make a squid game IN REAL LIFE (which is in itself like....the point flew over everyone's heads) and renewing shows NO ONE ASKED FOR?? oh what? what? more and more people are unsubscribing from your service? how could that be.....only if there was a solution to keep your subscribers by offering them quality content instead of mindless cash grabs....

i'll close this with probably one of my favorite posts on this site

[hannahbanana29]

newjeans' Danielle x fem!r

Get to know you better pt2.

Sorry it took so long for me to update again 😞 I'm just getting huge writer's block. Anyways, if you haven't read part one, I suggest you do bc then you'll have the full background, but either way, enjoy!

**sneak peek** "I'm surprised and honestly bummed we haven't met each other before tonight. How'd I not notice you… you're really pretty."

Chapter TWO: Overnight

Danielle was still on your mind by the time the digital clock on your bedside table told you it was now 12:47am. She hadn't really left it at all, and as much as it wasn't awful to have this pretty girl stuck in your head, you valued your sleep. But also, you felt so pathetic when you realised you'd not even spoken to this girl for five minutes and you were already growing a small crush on her.

You weren't being dramatic. Literally, even when you told yourself not to think about her for at least another 60 seconds, she'd appear next to you in your mind.

Like when you realised you wouldn't sleep properly until Minji got home, so you went downstairs to get a late snack. You'd opened the fridge to get the milk as to pour yourself a cup of tea/coffee, and you caught your stupid self imagining what it would be like for Danielle to walk up behind you and ask what you were doing.

Something as mundane as that, yes. But the idea of such a domestic, meaningless and easily forgettable moment between you and this girl was bringing you to paradise. As shameful as that was to you, it was also something that you couldn't stop doing. Like a guilty pleasure you'd gained jn the last two hours.

You thought back to how you'd been feeling before Minji had entered your room, about to tell you her plans to go out with her friends. You'd been scrolling on whatever Netflix had to offer, which wasn't a lot. You could remember a time when you'd be able to spend a day just the same old shit on TV and not get bored, but now…

These days…

Something felt bitter. Almost as though you'd lost something, and you knew what it was. It was that thrill, that excitement, that reason to get up in the morning. You weren't depressed or anything, but you just had a lack of motivation and enthusiasm for the past year or so, and it was getting to your brain.

This might be why you couldn't stop thinking of Danielle, despite how you'd only known her for three minutes. You were at a point in life where you needed something not quite insane but just new and exciting enough to give you energy, for you to care about living a little more. And that new and exciting something - or someone - just waltzed through your door looking stunning and acting like God's gift to you.

Maybe the man upstairs is making up for my utter boredom.

You'd taken yourself back up to your bedroom, where things were the same. You liked your living space, especially your room, but it had been the same since… well, a long time ago. You were thinking perhaps you could dive into Pinterest to get some new bedroom inspiration.

In your room, you weren't doing much. You were just laying on your mattress with closed eyes, but you were wide awake thinking about what your life is like in comparison to what you want it to be like right now.

Then you heard the door open.

You perked up a little, but didn't decide to go downstairs just yet. You knew it was most likely Minji, no one else, and your assumption was only confirmed when her voice was heard. God, she sounded sort of breathless, but at least she was happy, which was obvious.

What made you decide to leave your room, however, was when a second voice came from downstairs.

"Minji-ah, can I borrow some clothes, please? Anything will do, thanks so much."

Without a doubt, that was Danielle's voice. Danielle Marsh's voice. As in, the same girl who hadn't left your mind for the last few hours. She'd occupied your thoughts very frequently, and now here she was again, downstairs. But she was asking for clothes from your older sister.

You raced down the staircase of the second floor in your home, and stopped at the bottom when you were able to clearly see Minji and Danielle. Both were still dressed in their pretty dresses and expensive shoes, but their hair was a little tousled, their foreheads shone with a sheen of sweat and their makeup faces had been smudged around the eyes.

Minji was supporting Danielle, and sat her down on the couch of your living room when she turned and saw you.

"Oh! Gosh, Y/N, hey. Sorry if we woke you, I was just about to get Danielle some ice water to even out her, uh, drunkeness." She awkwardly managed to string together a sentence or two.

You shook your head, and tripped a little as you hopped the last step. "No, no, I'll get that." You insisted.

Sure, because Minji was your sister and was obviously intoxicated and vulnerable and worn out. But also, Danielle was here, and the more you observed her, the more you realised what a state she was in. She seemed happy enough, smiling lazily at your sister, but she was sprawled across the couch, pale and covering her mouth a little, as if she were about to vomit.

This only made you whip up the iced water even more quickly, and you were about to hand it to Danielle after walking from the kitchen to the living room, but Minji gave it to her instead once she took it from your hand. Minji probably thought she was just being a tiny bit helpful, but you sort of sulked internally, having rathered you gave it to Danielle instead.

You were about to question, too, why she was so wasted, but Minji beat you to that, as well.

"I think Dani here oversaw how much she could manage. She's been vomiting a bit too much for her brother to handle, and so I offered for her to stay overnight with us. Is that okay?"

You were already nodding, but Danielle, who wasn't watching, decided she had to add to what Minji had said.

"I won't be any trouble at all, Y/N-ie. I'm sorry, I just didn't realise I was such a lightweight until -"

"It's fine, Dan." Minji cut her off, and you pouted stupidly because you would have never stopped Danielle from talking.

And also because you loathed yourself for thinking too much tonight.

"Right! Let me just grab some pj's for you, and then I'll help you get changed. Y/N-ah, please just watch over her for a moment. If she vomits, just take her to the bathroom of course."

And then you were left alone, with a very drunk Danielle. Her flowery scent was now tainted ever so slightly by the alcohol and skunky smell of the club, but she still graced your house with her scent. Without thinking, you sat next to her, and just waited for her to need anything from you. You were ready to run and get it.

"Hey, Y/N-ie…"

You hadn't noticed what she called you the first time she used the nickname, but this time, you did. And it stuck to your cheeks in a red hue, so deep a crimson that you know Danielle could dip her fingers in it and paint a sunset by hand. Gosh, you wonder if she likes to finger paint...?

"Uh, yeah? You okay?"

She was too out of it to notice your stutter and your delayed response, luckily. Even while she was lying across your couch, a little messy and very intoxicated, she made you feel stupid. It was sort of funny. This angel was just in your house, and you were silently worshipping everything you wouldn't have if it was anyone else.

What was it with this stranger? What was it that made you so… how do you even describe it?

"I'm 'kay. Just a bit, haha, tired. You know, I'm used to the odd drink at home under supervision, but I suppose I forgot that I normally even it out with lemonade. I think I overestimated my limits," She admitted with a melodic ring of laughter.

"…Ah", you weren't sure if she wanted you to answer.

"So... Mrs Stokes, huh? We didn't get to finish our conversation did we?"

"Oh-"

"I didn't forget." She smiled up at you from her hunched position. "I actually would have talked longer with you, but Minji was obviously excited to go to the club. Anyways, what other teachers do you have?"

You guys had a sweet conversation while Minji was away. It wasn't much more than small talk, but what made it special was that you didn't feel awkward. Small talk, as a lot of us can agree, made you want to sink into a hole in the ground and let it swallow you up, but with Danielle, small talk was better.

Maybe she has lots of friends at school. Although, you were sure you would have heard of such a popular person at the place you attended five days a week for seven hours.

Danielle sighed softly. "I'm surprised and honestly bummed we haven't met each other before tonight. How'd I not notice you…you're really pretty."

She'd mumbled that last part. You were pretty sure though that she wasn't bothered if you heard or not. Was it even directly towards you, or just for her own ears? Was she so exhausted that she needed to hear her thoughts out loud in order to understand them properly?

Your mind had gone into a small frenzy at the way she spoke either to or about you, but at the worst moment, Minji walked downstairs with a matching set of pyjamas in her arms for Danielle.

[gon-and-killuas-mother]

well fellas i'm down to 115 pounds. i was around 140 six months ago.

there's a few reasons. first is that i haven't been on testosterone in over a year and have lost muscle mass, which i'm sad about

second, more concerning, is that my living situation + health issues + lack of income have allowed my old disordered eating habits to resurface. just so i wouldn't have to ask Dad for money, i've been slowly starving myself (didn't realize this was happening until a couple weeks ago) which of course has made my depression even worse, and even when i have food available i'm simply too tired to make it. i've skipped dinner way too often and i'm not awake long enough to eat more than a meal or two, plus snacks.

and then there's the fact that, even when i do eat, there's always the chance my body will reject it. bc IBS is a goddamn bitch.

i feel hollow. i took a shower yesterday and was shocked at how thin i've become. i don't want to be this little. i actually considered checking myself into a hospital, but i don't think i'm in that severe condition just yet (but close...)

[golbrocklovely]

In regards to your TikTok vent (which was totally justified like wtf) I think some kids just get really into like a man with a life filled with tragedy? Idk how to explain it, but it’s like they have a thing for men who have a life filled with trouble and pain. So they exaggerate Colby’s Emo-ness to be filled with self harm, depression, SA and more. I have no way to explaining it but I know people have mentioned how they enjoy reading books with the main male character like that and I feel like it translates to real life people too.

sorry i didn't respond sooner. i saw this ask when you originally sent it in, and then forgot all about it until now.

i think part of your ask is right. i think there are a lot of fans that are drawn to this darker side of colby, whether true or not.

i think as young women, we do get taught a lot that "bad boys" are really just good guys that are rough around the edges. they're the ones with a dark past and are emotionally constipated. we as women need to "fix" them - be their therapist, mom, gf all in one (even if at the risk of losing ourselves). and i think this notion also gets passed onto guys that girls are into, whether this is something they want or not.

you can't fix someone. it's not your job to do that to your partner. and if someone is really that "broken", they need professional help. you can't put that pressure on yourself.

that being said, i think your idea isn't the full reason why these lies are being spread on tiktok. i mean, trying to give an explanation as to why ppl lie is already a feat to make. i bet there are fans that just lie just to see if ppl will believe it. and i think what makes that worse is that no one follows up something when they see someone make a statement.

for example, the "elton making colby show his sh scars to a camera": the one tiktok i saw that talked about this (now idk if they are the originator so i'll cut them some slack), when asked when did this happen, only said "it was during a livestream that's been deleted". and hilariously, i've also heard someone else say it was actually a video but elton took it down. the problem with this is that of course giving this as the "proof" basically means you can make up whatever as long as you say the proof was deleted. but my main issue with this is that 1, elton and snc haven't collabed since 2019, which means that 2, if this did happen, why did no one talk about it until 2022???? you're telling me for three years, no one said anything. but a random fan on tiktok was able to unearth this event that unfolded, only to not give proof bc it was a livestream that was deleted???? which then means 3, how the fuck would you know this was a thing??????

i will say, the snc fandom on tiktok HATE elton. like, even more than i do. but i think they try too hard to make elton the bad guy. like, elton has done enough fucked up shit. you don't gotta lie to make him look bad lol

not to mention, especially with this particular topic, colby has outright said that he's never had depression, has never hurt himself, and doesn't feel comfortable giving advice on this type of stuff. so… what about that screams "i've suffered with depression and self harming"?????

i also believe that a lot of fans take things out of context and just run buckwild with it. like the clip from the awesomenesstv video where they do the lie detector and colby says they had a roommate that they felt used them. ppl immediately said "oh it's about elton" when in reality it was about aaron when they didn't get along for a month after moving out. but bc a lot of fans have just gotten into the fandom, they don't know all the lore. which is really my main problem with the tiktok fandom: they don't know everything and thus connect dots that aren't there.

and all of this is tiring as an older fan not only bc i know the truth, but bc NO ONE ELSE IN THE COMMENTS IS ARGUING WITH THEM. i barely see any comments trying to say "hey guys, this didn't happen", so it's hard for me to want to do that either. that's why i make the joke that i might have to start an snc tiktok just to tell fans that none of this shit is real and someone is lying to you.

also i forgot to mention but fanfics are also at fault. but i've ranted about that enough on here lol

[g4yr4t]

I think I want to talk About It but it's gonna be trigger heavy so I'm putting it under the cut

when I say talk about it I don't necessarily mean that anyone needs to respond so don't feel the need. you can if you want to but writing about it might be enough for now.

anyway. the Monday or Tuesday after mother's day weekend I got a call from my mom telling me that her best friend, my godmother, and her husband had both committed suicide. they were in Chicago so there was no way for my mom to see them physically for a while beforehand. she had been friends with my godmother since high school, and her husband since college. my godmother was my mom's Annie and it literally breaks my heart to think that she lost that.

my mom knew something was up bc my godmother hadn't responded to her in a while. she had to call her husband's sister (of whom she is not a big fan) to get the news. the last message my mom sent to my godmother was asking her to please talk to her, even if everything wasn't okay, but she never got a message back.

it doesn't feel fair. my godmother and my husband were wonderful loving people. she was so funny and fiesty. she had chronic pain for a really long time and depression for God knows how long. I only got to see them a couple of times outside my childhood but my godmother was always sending me books and gifts and emails. I feel awful for never having the energy to respond to her. I was gonna tell her about my satanic panic obsession bc she would've been interested. I was gonna read the last book she sent me (on earth we're briefly gorgeous) but I had barely started reading again and didn't get around to it. once I apologized for not responding to her emails and she told me not to apologize unless we'd really hurt each other.

I haven't really cried about it since the day of. it's been easy to go about my normal life because I didn't see them or talk to them regularly. it's easy not to think about it but I haven't really processed it even now. but sometimes I hear my mom's voice echoing in my head, giving me the news over and over.

I have all these morbid curiosities about it. how it happened, when they decided. was this a plan they'd had for a while? did they go together or did one go first and the other couldn't handle it? none of these answers would help. they might make things worse. but my brain can't stop asking questions. I don't even know if there was a funeral and my mom didn't tell me bc we couldn't go. it pains me to think that there wouldn't be one. that there would be shame around their passing.

it hurts my heart, so I try not to think about it, but I have to help my mom process too and not be chickenshit about it. it's worse for her than it is for me, and it is already bad for me. they talked all the time. I can't imagine losing someone that close, and to lose two friends at once that way is beyond my comprehension.

anyway, if you did read this, thanks for doing so. I'm crying right now but I think it helps. I haven't really talked to anyone about it or my feelings about it (even Annie) bc in spite of how much I cry I hate breaking down or crying in front of other people. I guess I'm like my godmother in that way. I hope she and her husband have some peace in whatever comes next.

[sovonight]

I'm about to start BG2, which of the 3 paths for the Xan mod do you think is most in character for him?

well it's the same author as his mod for bg1, so they should all be in character for him, right…? 😒

idk. with the way i prefer to read him, i would guess that the friendship path is the least infuriating, and then his bonded romance, and then his nonbonded romance. i haven't even played his friendship path in bg2, but his romance paths are just. urgh.

his bonded romance has too many opportunities for sex at the expense of actually being able to talk to him, and the times you do get to talk to him, more material than i'd like is recycled from the first game bc of charname's possible amnesia, which detracts from any sense of familiarity/intimacy that the few rare good interactions with him provide. i guess one could consider this path to be in character if you think he's allo and was just too depressed to be super horny in bg1, but bg1 easily let me read him as acespec (his colors are literally purple and gray and he'll only enter a full romance during the timeline of the game if you're able to bond with him in a way that transcends any physical intimacy?? it writes itself) and it's like he stopped being fully himself once bg2 rolled around. another thing i hate is he has moments where you can literally step all over his boundaries, and even if he does speak up against you, you can still demand that he do it, and he'll just do it against his will. sure "devotion" and whatever, but that's not his brand of devotion--it used to be that if you willfully crossed his boundaries, he'd just end the interaction

his nonbonded romance is... it's just kind of tough to get through. the premise is "there was a spark but it was never followed through on," but it kind of assumes that charname broke things off in bg1 (even though it could've just as easily been xan who broke it off, depending on how you played), so it's more like "xan still has feelings for you and flirts with you but he's also disgusted and horrified by you so he holds you at arm's length the whole game." also he never dies in this path, he only dies in the original bonded path, so they're basically saying he gets to live if you just reject him in the first game and change your mind in the second and let him treat you badly until he apologizes and then all is well forever. like??? there's a convo later down the line where you can comment on how absolutely difficult it was to get to this point where he actually openly loves you, and one of the options is "well the difficulty makes getting here worth it," and to that i say no, absolutely not. what makes this path even worse is that you also get more Xan Lore (tm) here than in the bonded path--there's a whole story he tells that you never get to hear otherwise, and his lengthy apology for treating you badly had more thought put into it than most of the conversations in the bonded path. not to be like "it's so unfair :'((" but to be a bg1 xan romancer and not get an equivalent amount of thought put into him in the bonded path?? am i being punished for loving him too early???

i get the feeling that the author was trying to replicate the drama of his romance path in bg1, to make him just as "difficult" to love, but i didn't find him difficult in bg1 at all--he's just traumatized and fearful of loss, and thinks himself that he's difficult to love. his appeal in bg1 was his compassion and understanding and sorrow for the unfair situation charname is in--and now you're telling me that he's become part of that unfairness? sure, he didn't know she was a bhaalspawn for most of bg1, but he saw how she suffered, and has traveled with her long enough to know and respect her as a person. after his first knee-jerk reaction of horror, wouldn't he change his mind rather quickly? having him be genuinely apprehensive abt charname being a bhaalspawn in his bg2 nonbonded romance path walks that backwards and actively undermines his bonded romance path. in the nonbonded path, he says outright that he would be ok with charname being a bhaalspawn if they were already bonded, which isn't a great look bc it comes off as either "i can only find it in my heart to be ok with you if i'm literally chained to you" or "maybe if you didn't end my romance early in bg1 i wouldn't be disgusted by you now". what exactly is good about hearing that???

like props to the author for finding a way to make him involved in the plot and accessible to new players, but 90% of my gripes come from the allowances made to make that possible. he doesn't need an arc, or a storyline, or to be involved in the plot, he should just be in the sequel to hang out

tl;dr, take the friendship path, or even better don't recruit him at all. yes, i personally can't bring myself to play anything but the bonded romance path in bg2 bc it makes me sad to not be special to him in-game, but you! you can be free! friendzone him and have a stronger will than i!

[staring-into-nothing]

Just venting :)

I haven't written on here in a minute bc every time I try to, my thoughts feel too scattered to be worth posting. Either that, or they're so fatalistic that I wouldn't want someone to stumble on my blog, read it, and then fixate on that fatalism themself.

That being said, I know if I just bottle up my feelings, things will only get worse. I made this account to let my thoughts and feelings out, so that's what I want to do with it.

Things have been really stressful since I got back in contact with my ex. It's not their fault or anything, I just can't handle it.

My mom has been stressing me out so much more lately. And any time I try to talk to her about it, she makes it into an argument where I'm attacking her.

Even if she didn't stress me out, I wouldn't trust her. I don't really trust anyone. I wish I did.

I was doing so well with my eating. No binging or starving, but I relapsed really hard a few days ago and haven't really been able to get back to eating how I want to.

My psychotic symptoms have been bad enough for long enough that I'd started taking my antipsychotic daily. When I take it every day for a while, I get a specific kind of intense depression I don't get from anything else.

Because of all the stress, I can't calm down, I can't feel in control, and I can't keep myself healthy. I just feel stuck.

[zhongrin]

I just discovered that those headaches that I was having for the longest time were actually migraines all this time, I just gaslit myself into thinking that those aren't severe enough to be counted as migraines.

And I was diagnosed with depression (again, bc I went to a different doc) and got meds that make me want to throw up and I have another driving exam in two days and I feel like shit.

So anyways, how's your life going after my lil break from this hellsite? owo

luke!!! i haven't seen you in so long ;;;; how are you doing??

oh dear. can you tell your doctor so they can change up the medication? that sounds really bad...

my life's been okay! nothing much going on, really ^^; might be making a big purchase soon, but we'll see how it goes. work's been good too, just hanging on there and crossing my fingers since the job market is looking really bad these days. people getting fired, offices shutting down... ;(

[beanie-babie-vents]

So I haven't posted on here in a good while, though I did post on vent.

I've had some shitty stuff happen recently, so lemme talk about it :

So around two weeks ago, I had finished work only to find out my twin sis had gone to a mental hospital. I knew she'd been really depressed lately, but I didn't know just how bad it had gotten. When I got to visit her the first time, she told me that she had broken down because of something that happened with our older sister. She didn't say what happened, but that she'd show me the recording she took when she's out of the hospital (she doesn't have her phone currently).

So I'd been dealing with that all week, along with having school start, and my bf telling me that hearing me vent about my awful family all the time made him feel like a shitty boyfriend cause he felt like he wasn't doing anything to help.

With all that already happening, I was getting really overwhelmed at work on Thursday (which happened cause of a thing which I'll explain in a bit) and was on the verge of a panic attack.

My manager came over to see if I needed any more product or whatever, and I told her that I was starting to freak out. She said that I couldn't keep having this happen, I just had to push through it, and that I was using 'this' (I guess she was referring to my anxiety or whatever) as a crutch. Fucking ridiculous that she says that the same day I actually use my cane while I'm there....

In any case, I was already crying by then, though just silent tears, and she simply told me to hand out samples despite that. Was all "pick up the cups, put them on the tray, put the food on, hand it out. Deep breaths, just push through, tell yourself to blah blah I don't remember what she said'.

She left, and I'm still crying, then at some point my coworker comes over to give me my break, sees that I'm crying, asks what's wrong, and that immediately gets me crying harder. I go on break after she hugs me, continue to have a panic attack in the bathroom and call my friend, then attempt to go back to work, still crying.

My one coworker comes up to try a sample, sees that I'm crying, and I start sobbing again cause he asked if I was okay. He's hugging me, and my manager comes over saying that I can't do this here, and that customers went and complained to the store managers about me crying, and then got on her case about it. So she said that I can either go home or cry in the office, then brought me to the office.

Now, as for what caused my panic attack in the first place before my manager made things worse?

I was already overwhelmed bc the company has stupid rules about not leaving our stations for any reason, including needing to use the bathroom - and if we have medical issues surrounding that, then we need a doctor's note so we can be given an extra break to let us go to the bathroom.

And yes, my manager has told me about this before, but it literally makes no sense??

Like, for a number of people with bowel or bladder related issues, you may get the sudden urge to go. Or the urge can just get stronger out of nowhere. Both of these have happened to me in the past, and has been happening more and more recently.

So my manager had asked me why I shut down my station when I had come back from break a little while before, then was basically scolding me, saying that i should've gone during break.

That's the thing though, I DID.

My body just decided that day was a GREAT day to not work properly. In numerous ways.

So yeah, if it's not obvious, having an extra break set up to go to the bathroom doesn't help, because there's always a chance that I wouldn't be able to actually hold it long enough. Because chronic illnesses are SO FUCKIN DUMB.

And my manager saying that breaks are apparently there for us to use the bathroom so that we don't go during our shift. Yeah no, it's not cause we may need to rest and eat, no, not at all.

Following all of that, a few days later I was scheduled to work again. I was gonna try to go despite how awful I felt. I knew that it'd be bad to call out, as I was supposed to be taking over my coworkers stations during their breaks that day, and it could be hard to have someone cover that shift for me - especially if there were multiple shifts going on that day, which was likely.

But the closer it got to my shift start time, the more anxious I got, and I knew that if I went to work that day, I'd just have another panic attack.

By the time my shift had started, I had yet to get ready, and knew I'd have to call/text out. I texted my manager that I wouldn't be there and went to sleep.

I'm worried that I'll be fired now....

But god, what was I supposed to do?

I honestly still can't believe everything my manager said.

She'd always been so sweet, kind, and understanding before, so for her to act like this was honestly surreal, and caused me to bring down due to everything else on my plate.

The worst thing is, I saw her as a friend. She literally called me a friend of hers before. Only for all this to happen?! Just. What the hell....

[crypt1dcorv1dae]

Maybe it's the fact I've been eating the weed every day for like 2 weeks but I think I'm starting to be more chill and normal than I used to be.

Maybe it's also the depression tho. Bc I am definitely depressed. Or at least repressing all my feelings to handle at a later date so now I'm just mostly filled with... Idk .. nothing I guess. Which feels pretty much the same as depression.

I'm just tired. We're selling our house and I'm tired. We're moving and I'm tired. We're possibly leaving for Mississippi and I'm tired. I'll be leaving behind everyone I've ever loved and I'm tired. I'm going to be alone with my parents, my shitty emotional leech of a dad, and my sick possibly dementia-having mom who has been steadily worsening... And I'm so, so fucking tired.

I'm so fucking tired. I haven't even left and I already miss my family. She's not even gone and I already miss my mom. Because how she's been going... I don't know how long she's gonna be around for. And I know we'll be halfway across the fucking country when it happens. And I'll have nobody I actually feel comfortable showing my emotions around when it does.im going to be surrounded by strangers and my father, who is basically a stranger to me, and all HIS family who will be on HIS SIDE of anything bc of fucking course they would be

I'm leaving my whole life behind and realizing I've never even actually lived my life yet, because absolutely nobody ever actually... Pushed me to, or made me feel secure enough to feel like I COULD live my life.

All I did was keep my head down and do what I was told and try to be the "good kid" bc my siblings all got into trouble and it upset my parents and I didn't want to upset them so I just never did anything. Not even anything WRONG just.... Anything. I didn't want to live until I was 16 and I thought I was dying in a health scare I had. Until that day i had never had the thought "I want to live" or had any thoughts of what my future might hold. I think I was depressed for a very very long time, even as a small child, bc all I did was for other people, and for what people expected of me, I did what I thought would make people happy and not much else. I played by myself and only did "troublesome" things bc I heard about other kids doing it, and figured it was normal and what kids do, do I should too,

AUGHHHH I'm... Gonna stop rambling now... I'm just depressed. Bye

[discountdyke]

so the thing is that after thanksgiving I realized I seriously can't go back to my parents without addressing all of the abuse. I figured this would happen at some point, but I didn't realize it would be so soon. wrote out some very long letters to both parents, both revealing and acknowledging secrets about the abuse and looking for a way forward. put the letters in the mail tuesday evening and I've heard nothing about it from my parents so far.

somehow, I felt okay with all of this, and I still sort of do. I thought I would break down and seriously lose function but i just...haven't. I definitely feel depressed, but I don't feel like the whole world is crashing down. I feel like I can survive this without completely losing control, and that feels so wrong? shouldn't I be sobbing all day? that's how I was living in their house. and I have been grieving so much the past year or so for the childhood and parents I deserved but never had.

but what seriously sucks is that I'm basically unemployed bc I have a church gig that's about 4 hours a week. which is like, cool I'm getting some money, but it's not keep my occupied for part of the day. I need to get back into a practice routine which I honestly haven't really had for the past 3 years.

I'm sick of going thru the motions of trying to distract myself. I'm tired of trying to mark things off the list when I still feel so numb and tired. I dont want to think about how things will get better, I just want to sit in my pain. but if I don't check off enough things then I feel horrible about myself and my life. I define so much of myself on productivity so not having a job at all makes that kinda difficult when I'm depressed.

and just when I was getting my footing with all of this, new horrific memories popped up. they just absolutely can't be real, and yet I know in my heart they must be. that's part of this process. that's what happens when u were forced to split into pieces as a toddler. but why now? why is there more? how can there be anything more devastating than what I learned last year? and if that can be true, what else will I find? when will I actually be done with this?

and of course I feel ashamed bc I feel like my flashbacks aren't real (they are) and I feel like I can't grieve my parents when they're alive and my gfs dad just died (even though there is no monopoly on grief) and I feel incredibly guilty for "being mean" to my parents (who inflicted horrific trauma) and for making my gf worry (bc she cares about me). I hate that so much of my brain operates on shame. feels like I can't do anything now without being ashamed of myself somehow.

and I never liked christmas but this really is a bad time of year to confront your parents about 20 years of abuse bc everyone else is spending time with their families. thank fucking god I start the conversion process in few months and also that elise and I got to spend hannukah together so we had a holiday in that way. I just wish the entire world wasn't crashing around me while I lay depressed and dissociated from it all in bed.

[letter-to-a-friend]

backlog cont.

10/15 I woke up Incredibly depressed today, but I can't tell you that, I said I would stop making it your problem. We've talked so little these last few days I'm afraid I'll lose my person. I know I'm just being needy, I'm sorry. It's okay if you want to leave me behind to be happy, I'm probably just baggage to you right now. I didn't mention it before but I haven't been eating the laste few days. I'm down to 187lbs. I've had nothing to eat but eggs and and a can of soup each day, if that. I want to eat, but just can't. I think I need help, but I can never tell you.

You told me not long ago that you were sabotaging dates because you were leaving a window open for [ex], how else am I supposed to look back on our time together as anything but that? You sabotaged our relationship, and got back together with [ex] because that's what you wanted in the first place, you never really tried to love me because you were always in love with [ex]

10/16 I forgot to write you yesterday, but not really. I had written out what I wanted to say for our talk but I didn't end up using it. I'll paste it after this but first- you fucking cheated on me man? Are you serious? You left me for another guy weeks Into it, that's not enough time to know Jack shit, much less that you can never come to love someone. The feeling I thought was love is all gone now, but that still hurts man. That's fucked up, and now I don't think I can ever fully trust you again. I don't love you, but once upon a time I did and you stomped on that love for a man who broke your heart again, and honestly? You deserved it for that. And the me of right now hopes he breaks your heart this time too because of it.

The letter: Honestly I'm a little upset with you right now. I took a look back at the timeline of events and it Honestly makes me feel really used. We broke up on 6/6, and started talking again on 6/20, and from then until you broke up with connor on 8/4 you never told me you were in a relationship which leads me to believe you got back together within that 14 day period of us not talking. You said recently that you felt you were sabotaging tinder dates bc you were still holding out for [ex], and I feel like you did that with me too. It really feels like, back then, you were always waiting for [ex], and you were just wanting someone to vent your sexual frustration from being with him. It only took you from 8/4(when you broke up, and also when we began talking like before) to 8/8 to tell me that you were still sexually attracted to me to the point you couldn't look me in the eyes and until 8/31 for you to tell me you were wanting sex from me. And just a little while ago, we hooked up on 9/30, and you got back together with connor on 10/9. With you so quickly going from being intimate with me, breaking up, getting with [ex], back to sex with me, to being back together, it makes me feel a little used. I know I consented to just fwb and that I was the ultimate initiator, and I know we've done things outside of sex, but almost every time we met up and you weren't on your period, we hooked up. As you've said, you're a very horny person, and that's fine I am too, but part of the reason I want this thing with you and [ex] to either last forever or never happen again is because 3 is a pattern man; if you guys break up, and we end up going back to fwb, and you get back together with him, I'll feel even more like just an outlet for your sexual frustration, who just so happens to play games with you sometimes. I consented to fwb until we found partners, but looking back i feel more like I was just filling the void [ex] left and thats very different. And im not saying fwb is bad, or that i was wanting something more, it was just sex- its the speed at which you changed gears that makes me feel this way. You said you could live without sex for him[context: hes sexually attracted to men, but want a relationship with her to the point hes asked to be poly], but I'm not so sure with how quickly you asked for it after you left the relationship. I know how much you've said you cherish our friendship, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm only here because you don't want to be alone. This is made even worse that you got upset at me when i said i was a little concerned that you would drop me when you got another bf, but when you got back with [ex] you told me that you had done that in the past once already. Sure, there was other things going on with [ex bff], but you got upset at me over a fear you later told me was kinda warrented. I'm not saying that this IS the case, just that this is how the everything is making me feel. I feel like I'm only "precious" because I've given you what you want in emotional support and sex when [ex] wasn't there for you. I feel like you only really want one person in your life, and when they aren't there you settle for me until they come back. How could I not when you move so fast?...1/2

[suedrawl]

okay sorry i did a huge reblog dump bcs it’s 5am and i just want to sleep but my health don’t give me any days off

anyway hey!! I’m okay. I was at the ER for 12 hours a few days ago—spent 10 hours in the waiting room, 2 in a weird closet/makeshift room. only to be told it’s likely just a minor infection or virus. god. cannot express accurately how that day went. it was…a day. so thankful for Pablo, at least

so we were initially worried about things like gallstones, appendicitis, miscarriage, kidney issues, so on. but I am okay sorta . blood work and xrays didn’t show anything outside of higher white blood count. so essentially IBS or something? but i’m still dealing with bad stomach cramps (like now!). been struggling to get myself to hydrate, fatigued, achey—it doesn’t combine well with my already Normal Pain

tho finally after weeks of trying i got an appointment set up with my pcp on monday. so maybe i’ll get more answers then. also will see about medical marijuana, physical therapy, and short term disability

i just hope something is found—anything. with the cramping, all the weight gain I’ve had, and other symptoms. i’m so tired. i’m so embarrassed with my state. i know i’ve disappointed and let people down. I haven't been around for friends as much. So I'm partial to say things Have worsened? But honestly, in a way, far from true

I haven't been passively suicidal and hopeless like I was in what felt like a decade or more. I'm with someone I love, living on my own, and have been given the space to rest/recover. And I honestly have been loving the distance from the internet and older social habits. it’s nothing against friends, but readjusting myself from the mom friend/caretaker/masking/denying myself space and needs. the solitary (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been drawing the Hermit card) and focus on irl/more in the moment has been so relieving

but also feels so… like i’m trading one bad thing for another set. my grandfather (last grandparent alive) isn’t doing well. my cat Gibbs… it won’t be long, and I don’t think I’ll be able to see him in time. Haven’t seen my family in over a year. Struggling financially. Been working through a lot of communication/boundaries/needs with Pablo and his family. This season is always rough bcs it’s SAD on top of my regular chronic depression. cold weather is hard on my fibro. other health issues are flaring and struggling to find respite. it’s also weird bcs this is the time where i was lost in the woods as a child. missing my dad. family childhood trauma. the weight…i hate it. feeling lost, discouraged, exhausted. that sense of being betrayed by my body. struggling to keep up, accepting so many limitations, realizing that realistically, you are not enough for others expectations. it’s something i am used to, and inherently can pick up fast. but still takes time to process and cope

just wanna draw and be house wife like. i have really basic needs and hopes right now

small steps. keep trying. i’ll get there, bit by bit. but i am so deeply exhausted