#Even though its a bit old i'm still relatively proud of it

[zeepz-art]

A silly goofy drawing I did for a side blog.

[heyidkyay]

And I'm petrified of being alone, now |

Part Twenty-Five (The End)

Summary: She’s just trying to get by, really. What with being a single parent to her four year old son whilst simultaneously trying to kick start a successful career as a radio presenter. She’s got everything she’s ever wanted though, friends close by, a mum who’s merely a phone call away, and of course her baby boy. What else is there to wish for? But then, it’s not long before her relatively normal life gets upended and turned on its head, and she’s suddenly forced to deal with situations she’s never even thought to imagine.

What happens when one mention of a certain controversial singer on her show sends a flood of unexpected challenges her way?

Authors note: The ending! The final chapter of Matty and Mouse's story, my heart is actually breaking. Honestly loved writing these two, as well as baby Teds, and I hope you lot loved them too because all the love this series has gotten means so much, it feels surreal. Hopefully I can write a few blurbs of them or something in the future but this is it for now. So thank you for all the support!

Warnings: EMOTIONS, Matty and Mouse way of thinking, little bit of angst, referencing to past hurts (such as not making it to a certain age), smut, unprotected sex, self-conscious characters?

> Last update: look back here if you'd like!

Masterlist

Matty wouldn’t have been able to say what the time must have been if anyone had dared ask. He’d been propped up against the headboard, still in his t-shirt and jeans, his hand never having fallen from the top of her head even after she’d finally worn herself out and drifted to sleep.

His stomach churned pitifully at the reminder, at how hard she had cried. Gasping and sobbing into that fucking pillow she still held onto, all whilst clinging to the skin of his wrist with an unforeseen strength. As though she’d been pleading in her grip of him, asking him not to go just yet.

That hold had diminished a tad during the night, she’d always been a fitful sleeper– had kneed him one too many times between the legs for him to not know that fact– but this time around… She’d been almost deathly still, aside from the frowning expressions that clouded her face whilst she’d dreamt.

He continued to sit there though, watching on as the moon sunk so that the sun could slowly climb its way into the irradiating sky, giving way to that first hint of morning.

He hadn’t slept a wink, not really. Nodded off for a second or two once or twice before he’d found himself jerking awake again. Couldn’t seem to stay down for much longer than that.

And why would he? When he’d all but destroyed the woman laying beside him. This proud, strong and resilient woman that he’d been so idolised by, so enraptured with. The one person in his fucking forsaken life that had appeared so utterly invincible.

She was a survivor. A mother. A friend. 

And she was kind. Funny. Resilient.

Then she’d gone and met him, hadn’t she?

And he’d ruined her like he did everything else.

Practically broken her. 

Torn the last pieces of her further apart.

The thought alone made him feel sick to his stomach. Aching with this unbound need to grovel and cry at her very feet, to make her see enough sense so that she could understand just how much she didn’t need someone like him. That she was strong enough to do it all alone. That she didn’t need to cling to him as she had, like rust to a buoy long lost at sea.

Guilt.

That was what that sticky feeling growing in his gut was. That overwhelming malady that was eating him up from the inside out, making him feel so utterly sick.

He had come over to see her. So that they might be able to talk things out. He’d come to apologise. To make things right between them. But instead, what had he done?

Pushed.

He’d pushed and fucking pushed, forcing her hand enough so that she had cracked and he’d been able to slip past those high guarded walls of hers.

And now here they were.

He couldn’t bring himself to regret it though– not all of it at least. 

To have held her again… It had calmed some sick twisted part of him. 

To have just seen her and heard her voice, no matter how pained and angry it had been. It was like the world around him had softened for a split second. Become all grainy.

Matty glanced back over to her sleeping form, to the way she had bundled the duvet high up over her head so that the tip of her nose could bury itself in the slight curve it made, her chin tucked away. 

His hand was still lost somewhere in her hair, thumb cascading out over her temple every now and then, but he didn’t dare pull away. Not until he had no other choice in the matter. 

So he carried on, staying there and lying awake. Thinking over the night before. Thinking back to her devastated expression, to the wary look her eyes had held. To the way she hadn’t spoken a word. To how she had simply forced her cries into silent sobs.

Suddenly, he was stuck on the very realisation that she hadn’t been reacting to it all, to everything she’d been feeling, to what had happened, but rather retreating. Hiding away whilst, somehow, still allowing him to be near. To stay. To watch over her.

A soft sniff had him blinking, regaining composure quick enough so that he could catch the scene play out before him. 

…

I was embarrassed by the previous night's events. By the fact that I had been so determined to keep Matty at arms length and then failed entirely. That he had seen me so weak and well– broken.

But it had all come to a head, I supposed.

I’d been keeping up appearances ever since everything had fallen out, putting on a brave face and a smile for anyone and everyone who could see. It was only ironic, I guessed, for Matty to have been the one to shatter that image completely. 

Still, I swallowed at the sight of him still sitting there beside me the next morning, seeming as though he hadn’t moved an inch throughout the whole night, and shoved all that shame back down. 

“Thought you’d be gone by now.” I heard myself say as I flipped over onto my back so that I could stare up at the ceiling and at the sun drawn lines that stretched out across it.

I listened to his quiet laugh, to the way he shuffled slightly on the mattress, though I didn’t dare look back at him. It was too early and I already felt as though he’d seen enough of me. “Was just hoping for a chance at one of your brews, is all.”

Something in me shifted at his easy words. At the fact that he’d chosen to try and make me smile, instead of calling me out on all my messy bullshit.

“And if I’ve got no milk?” I replied, just because this was easier than arguing anymore.

I felt him shift, probably shrugging if I knew him as well as I thought I did. “Shops open soon enough.”

The corner of my mouth twitched, although I continued my staring contest with the blank space sat high above us. 

“Who says I’ll let you back in?”

He did laugh then, a deep rumble of a chuckle that was rough from disuse and a lack of sleep. Matty sniffed, “Just gonna have to try my luck then, I ‘spose.”

It was only in that next second that I realised something, something that had me inhaling sharply as Matty’s fingers dragged their way through my hair to tuck a frizzy strand behind my ear, before then pulling away entirely.

My eyes slipped closed at the sudden loss and my hands curled into tight fists beneath the duvet at the very thought of him having stayed that way throughout the night. Of having held me in the only way he’d been able to, as though he believed it might have kept some small part of me together. Only pulling away now that he could see that I wasn’t going to crack beneath the weight of everything I still held.

The bed shifted and the sound of his feet hit the floor.

From the corner of my eye, I watched him as he stood.

Matty moved throughout my bedroom with an ease I didn’t even own, picking up the hoodie he’d thrown over my desk chair all those days ago, the same one I hadn’t allowed myself to touch, let alone wear. 

I almost told him not to take it, but withheld. Only just managing to bite down on my tongue as I watched him shrug it on. It was his afterall.

“Gonna nick your keys,” He told me whilst he shook the hood out around his neck and dragged it up over his tousled curls, “Only be about ten minutes. You can shower or whatever, not worry about letting me back in.”

I could only nod in return and he smiled, pausing in the doorway to look back at me for a second or two before he nodded, almost fretfully, and turned away.

I waited, lying there still enough that I was surprised I didn’t go stiff from how tightly I was wound, until I heard the familiar rattle of keys and then the squeaking hinges of the front door. It closed behind him so quietly that had I not been holding my breath I might not have even heard it. 

I was rubbing at my face not a minute later, hauling back tears leftover from last night's show, before I heaved an anguished scream that was more air than actual sound from my lungs.

Forcing myself to calm– and not dissolve into fucking hysterics– I willed myself up, noting that I was still naked as I kicked the covers away. Another thing I’d gone and bared for him, I supposed. As though it wasn’t enough that I had already cried myself to sleep with him just sitting a hand’s stretch away, but that we’d actually gone and slept together. After everything.

My head was warring with my heart as I dragged myself up out of the dirtied sheets, throwing on an old tee so that I could shove them into the washer before he got back. I forced myself into the shower quickly after, letting the hot water roll off my skin.

I must’ve been stood there for a long while, drowning under the heavy spray, because it was the sound of the door that broke me from the faraway place I’d found myself in whilst staring at the tiled walls.

Blinking, I wiped the water from out of my eyes and forced myself to wash, lathering up my hair and going through the motions, before I finally stepped out. 

I didn’t dare peer into the mirror, not all too desperate to see the state I’d worked myself into on my way out. Choosing to head back into the bedroom instead, padding over towards the dresser to pull out some clean clothes and only noticing the fresh sheets that had been pulled onto the bed when I’d finally dressed.

The towel I’d been holding to lightly dry my hair slowly dropped to my side at the sight. I opened my mouth to call out and probably ask– But I stopped myself before I could. Ask what? I wondered. Why? Then shook my head at the very idea.

Doing the smart thing by shutting my mouth, I dumped the towel in the hamper and pulled on a pair of socks, taking a deep breath before deciding to venture further out into the flat. 

I found him in the kitchen.

He didn’t peer over his shoulder but he must’ve heard me putter in because he greeted me: “I know I said I’d be quick but I passed by that little bakery on my way back– that hidden gem we liked that one time? Anyway, it just smelt fuckin’ devine.” He accentuated that last bit, making me smile slightly, “And I just couldn’t not, you know? Been a while, but they had those danishes you like in the window. Got a couple to share as well as some other bits.” Matty explained, head still halfway in the bag he’d obviously brought back with him, a pint of milk sat alone on the side, “And a sausage roll for Teds– kid was eating them like he was gonna starve a while ago. So I just thought...”

Matty shrugged, as though that in itself was no big deal, him thinking of my son, and turned around to glance my way with a display case of baked-goods now lining my kitchen counter.

I snorted softly at the sight, jerking my chin out towards the lot of them, “Just thought you’d bring back half the shop?” I teased and was all too pleased when he chuckled around the beginnings of a smirk.

He was quick with his quip, “So I’m guessin’ you don’t want one of these danishes then?” 

I narrowed my eyes at the sheer nerve. “I never said that.”

Matty’s nose scrunched with his next shrug before he moved to snap one up for himself. “Sort of sounded like it, sweetheart.”

I shook my head, biting down on my growing grin as I slid across the kitchen to grab at one too. 

I hummed around the first bite I took and all but moaned at the flavour of it, blinking my eyes back open only to find Matty wearing the most delighted little grin. I rolled my eyes but didn’t grant him the gift of an actual reply, though it didn’t seem to waver him either way.

We seemed to move seamlessly around one another after that; him filling up the kettle whilst I placed two mugs down on the countertop; the clink of a teaspoon being shot into one cup as I moved to grab the tin of tea bags; Matty switching the radio on like it was second nature and me smiling away to myself as I poured the milk.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek once we’d finally settled, he’d chosen to take up room at the table whilst I carefully stored the remaining pastries away for later.

I wanted to talk, to try and hash things out again, because this felt right to me. Him being here. In my dingy little kitchen, small but still so crowded with all sorts of bits and bobs, as well as a plethora of crayon coloured drawings. And he just, well, Matty just fit here. Or maybe that was just me hoping. Ignoring the bigger warning signs so that I wouldn’t have to feel so alone again.

Was he lying to me?

Had he relapsed?

Did he cheat?

It didn’t seem like he’d done any of those things. There was no guilt in his gaze and yesterday… I’d never seen him like that. Even whilst stressed or overwhelmed, Matty had never cried. He’d never looked at me like that either, as though he was slowly breaking before my eyes.

He’d said his piece, he’d promised, and then he’d apologised. 

But.

What if I was just making a bigger mug of myself here?

Letting him back in. Giving him my forgiveness. Having him in my bed.

Was I saying that it was okay? Was that the impression I’d be giving? That he could lie and walk all over me and that everything would still be fine.

It left the world feeling a little more tilted than it had been only moments before. It left me questioning everything, once again.

…

“What are we doing, Matty?”

Matty was slow in looking back over at her, fingers tapping aimlessly away on the kitchen table to some song that had been playing on the radio. 

“What do you mean?”

She huffed, a quiet chuckle full of disbelief rippling through the air, “I mean, what are we doing here?” 

“The fuck if I know.” Matty replied, just as soft as that laughter she’d given him, shrugging at her from across the kitchen. Because what was he meant to say to that?

She just shook her head in turn though, completely unaware to the way he was now watching her. Taking her all in. The way the outline of her body glowed whilst bathed in the morning light that shone in through the windows. Of how her slowly drying hair curled at parts in the easy breeze that crept by. And how endeared he was by the way she never failed to tuck her joggers, or pyjama bottoms, or whatever else she’d decided to throw on whilst at home into her socks. It made her who she was, all these mindless little tidbits that he’d gathered over the last year, that he had observed. 

“We can’t just– move on. Carry on like nothing’s happened.” She sounded frustrated. Sad.

“Why not?” It was almost sarcastic, the way he said it, but his voice held a whole lot of truth to it. He wanted this and he wanted her. And he’d be a fucking fool to deny it. 

And what would the world make of the two of them anyway? Cause she’d gone and claimed the very same thing last night, hadn’t she? 

The pair of them, fools.

“‘Cause everything’s a mess.” She answered back, staring at him now, almost defeated. 

Her shoulders were slumped and she wore that sad smile she often favoured when she was at a loss, slowly being eaten away by a horde of thoughts she couldn’t seem to control. 

He watched her fidget with the hem of her sleeve, peering down at it. 

“Because after everything, Matty,” She breathed, voice soft even in the quiet of the kitchen, “I know that I love you and I don’t want to lose what we have left here. I don’t want that ruined.”

Matty’s mouth worked itself into a small smile as his eyes dragged between her own, trailing over the short scar that crossed the bridge of her nose, remembering the night she’d teared up when he’d reached out to caress it. 

“I’d rather be ruined by you than not have you at all, Mouse.”

She blew air from out of her nose in a soundless chuckle, cheeks rounding around an amused grin for the briefest of seconds before her eyes skittered away from him again. “That meant to be all poetic?”

He gave her a curt nod and then just grinned, legs fanned out before him. “In the job description. Musician, remember?”

“Oh, do I.” She quipped back just as sarkily, leaning against the counter as she continued to watch him from under dark lashes. Matty reckoned he’d let her shove him under a microscope if it got her to let him stick around. If only for a while longer.

A silence passed between them. 

“I love you.” Matty murmured, so sure of that fact, “That much I know. But I won’t ask you for anything more than I already have, you make the choice. You can hold the cards. And whatever you decide, I’ll accept.”

Her face hardened a fraction, as though she were steeling herself for an argument or something other. Hiding how underprepared she’d been for his words perhaps. Matty only hoped that she’d heard the truth in them.

“No fight? You’ll just accept it and leave?”

Matty didn’t dare blink but dipped his head in slight acknowledgement. “If that’s what you want.”

The woman before him just continued to stare him down and for once, Matty couldn’t read her face. Had no idea what the hell she might’ve been thinking. Or feeling. Or what plans she was currently devising in that clever head of hers.

“Okay.”

It took all of his sheer effort not to react to that one simple word, even though she had practically just gone and ripped his fucking heart out of his chest. 

Actually, he supposed that was another lie he’d told. She’d done that months ago, on the day they’d met and went and ruined him for good.

I’d rather be ruined by you.

It’s what he’d said.

He couldn’t go back on it now. 

“Okay.” He answered her, voice just barely above a whisper that he wasn’t sure she heard over the squeaking of his chair legs.

And then he was standing in her kitchen for what he supposed would be the last time. He saw her grip the edge of the counter, knuckles whitening, gaze unstraying, but she didn’t say another word. 

They stared at one another for what felt like the longest minute on Earth and Matty could practically feel the ground shifting beneath the soles of his feet as he realised that now everything would really change.

His breath caught, the thought hitting him like a shit ton of bricks and he knew then that he had to leave before he broke down and took it all back. Before he was a fucking mess of a man on her kitchen floor. 

He turned on his heel and made for the door.

“Where’re you going?”

Matty froze, entirely rooted to the floor.

He continued to stare resolutely ahead, scared to move in case she had changed her mind. In case she was saying what he thought she was.

“Your tea’s gonna go cold… and I thought you could pick Teds up with me later.” She was going for nonchalant, aiming and almost hitting, but she missed the mark by just a hair. “He was with Ads yesterday, you know, and she dropped him off at nursery this morning for me. Just figured.”

Matty pivoted on his heel, slow going and hardly daring to steal a breath as he did, before he was looking straight at her. At the way her teeth had sunk into her lower lip, the careful sheen her eyes had taken on, and then the singular strand of hair which had fallen from behind her ear. He was across the room and on her in a second. 

Firm hands held her face, thumbs guarding either cheek as he bored everything he couldn’t seem to say into the next look he gave to her. Wanting her to see it all. To know, or simply understand.

“You’re gonna kill me.”

She laughed.

“Wanna bet…” Her words trailed off into a heavy breath and Matty could feel the strength of his grin as he leaned in close, nose bumping against hers, his eyes flickering over the entirety of her face, attempting to take her in all at once.

There was buzzing under his skin, he could feel it in the tips of his fingers, all the way down to his toes, and heard the way it hummed throughout his chest. 

It was then that he realised he couldn’t see an end without her in it.

He wanted everything with this woman. 

Everything.

And that should’ve been the most terrifying thought.

Because once he had believed he would never see the end of sixteen, puking into the bushes outside his bedroom window and not having the strength to make it that extra mile. To let mum know that he was alright.

Then it had been nineteen, that first real stint in hospital. He’d been scared to shit and alone, the darkness hiding all the groans and upset of the other patients with real issues.

But nineteen had come and gone, so then he figured twenty-one. Maybe twenty-two? Definitely twenty-five… Had to be.

Twenty-eight had been both the end and the beginning for him. 

But even without everything that had been holding him back after that, the drugs, the people, the money. After he’d gotten clean– proper clean– he’d never really thought far enough ahead. 

To a point where he might feel settled or want to start building a place for himself in the world. A real place, one amongst family and friends, not just amongst admiration and music– as much as it had helped shape him.

He’d never once pictured this. A person. 

Girlfriends? Yeah. Flings and one night stands? Sure. But a person that would be his. Completely. That he could share half of himself with?

No, he couldn’t say that he’d ever seen that coming, that something like this would have one day been in the cards for him.

And Matty wanted so badly to sink his claws in and cling on for as long as he possibly could, for as long as she’d be willing, and then even more so. Until somebody else came along and inevitably unhooked him. But he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t dare. Because this was too perfect to go and destroy like that. 

He’d always claimed to be a selfish man, but in this regard, all the love he had worth giving would be spent on her. On the days they’d spend together. On meals and dates. On flowers and apologies for when he eventually messed up again, because he knew himself too well to deny that fact. He’d spend it on giving her security, on rebuilding her trust. He’d spend it on her son. On the little boy he’d become so besotted by.

And if it ruined him, if it killed him? He reckoned he’d be okay with that.

He’d be content. Finally having something to be proud of.

“What are you waiting for?”

Matty eyes tracked the length of her face, fingers tangled in her hair whilst his thumbs pressed into the grooves of her temples. What was he waiting for? 

As soon as he thought it, Matty was pressing against her once more, stealing all the breath from her lungs in his haste to answer her.

It was slow, the kiss; soft in the way his lips captured hers for only a few seconds before he was pulling away again, hands shaking where he still cupped her cheeks.

He wanted to make sure that this was what she wanted, but he could see it in her face, that surety, the warmth. And he wouldn’t question that, maybe in some regards he’d be willing to give her anything, but here and now, with this, with wanting her, he would as selfish as he fucking could be. He’d take all that she would give him.

The next kiss was full and deep– urgent.

Matty’s tongue slid into her mouth, hands falling aimlessly away from her face to whatever part of her he could touch, feeling no ounce of remorse over it seeing as she was on the exact same journey, her fingers winding their way up and over every inch of him. 

She kissed back with just as much force, colliding with him in a way that almost felt tortured, as though trying to make up for all the time they had wasted. Not just over the past few days, but the weeks and months they’d spent dancing around one another, pushing and pulling. Despairing this game of tug of war they had started. 

It ended here.

Matty continued to lean up into her, pressing her into the counter as she clawed at the hoodie he wore. Matty felt her nails catch on the skin of his back, whilst he wrapped his arms around her hips.

“Baby,” He whispered breathlessly and then moaned when her mouth closed around his bottom lip, teeth grazing against the flesh before they then bit down. She rocked into him and Matty swore his eyes rolled into the back of his head. 

He reached up a hand to cup the back of her neck so that he could mouth his way across her jaw and down her collar, favouring the skin just beneath her ear. “Need you.”

It was both an admission and a plea.

And then she was grabbing at his face too, forcing his mouth back up to meet hers, breath sweeping over the cut of his jaw. She tangled her fingers in his curls and Matty had the barest second to register that he was actually staying. That she was letting him back in.

His body jolted forward on impulse, arms snaking their way around her waist to splay out over her lower back, pulling her that much closer. Her hold tightened too, hand moving down his neck, thumb pressing lightly against the pulse point there. 

Matty stepped nearer and she welcomed him in, legs parting to let him step between them, kiss turning hungrier as she arched her back up and away from the countertop. He wanted all of her.

She let go of his hair to press in harder, pulling back only so that she could lick his mouth back open and drive her tongue inside. She murmured his name against his lips, once, twice. And then Matty’s hand was between the blades of her shoulders and holding fast. He moved, spinning them outwards, over towards the kitchen door.

She let out a sharp sound that was half gasp and half moan, but all love and desire when they knocked into the arm of the sofa in the living-room and fell back against the soft cushions. 

When they broke apart it was only out of necessity, the need to catch back the breath that had been forced out of them on their tumble down. They shared an airy chuckle.

Then he watched on as she stretched out further up the settee, fingers caught on his wrist so that she could tug him along with her. Their hips aligned as Matty crowded her again, elbow digging into the chair's arm to hold him up above her. He hovered there, their faces and foreheads pressed together, noses lined up side by side. Matty wished to savour every detail of her.

He kissed her again, slower, softer. His lips moved against hers so gently that it was almost reverent, worship-like, and she matched him toe for toe, pouring her whole soul into it, gifting him all the sweetness that she possibly could. 

Matty prayed to whoever might’ve been listening that he could have this.

He supposed someone must’ve heard him because she said, “Stay,” in this careless whisper, in a tone that was more breath than anything else. And his heart stopped.

And then he was nodding. Almost frantically.

He kissed her, the tip of his nose brushing the underneath of hers as he lifted his head to nod one more time. “Long as you’ll let me.”

She whimpered and he groaned, forehead pushing against hers once more as she lifted her hips up to meet his. 

Then they were both lunging for clothes in the same instant, nearly laughing at their clumsy eagerness to get undressed, the sofa being of no help.

Matty pushed back to sit up for a moment, luring her up gently with him so that he could slide her shirt off over her head. She returned the favour, letting him trail a finger over the curve of her shoulder and down her arm once they were done before she was on her back once more. 

“So beautiful.” He felt the need to whisper, even though there was no one else around to hear it. She glanced away.

Matty wouldn’t have that though, a careful hand coming up to coax her eyes back to him, hoping that she would hear the sincerity in his words. She was the best thing he’d ever seen, no matter the time of day. No matter how horrible she felt. He’d never been so enamoured by another person, or so utterly lost in his desperate need to make it known. 

His thumb caught on the corner of her mouth and he smiled. “I meant it.” He assured her and felt her shiver beneath him as his words fanned the skin of her cheek, “Beautiful.”

She swallowed thickly, he saw the bob of her throat before he slid his palms down her sides to unhook her bra, dropping it off to the side so that he could mouth along the length of her torso.

He continued to murmur, tone so full of admiration as he attempted to press the words into her skin, hoping that this way they would somehow sink in.

By the time he reached the hem of her trousers she was writhing beneath him, eyes pleading, so Matty made quick work of ridding them, allowing himself to look her over for just a second. She truly was beautiful. 

“Matty,” The sound of his name forced his eyes back up and he was thrown by the dazzling smile she then wore. She took one of his hands in hers, linking their fingers, “I don't have all day, baby.”

He merely shook his head and laughed, figuring that she must’ve seen the many emotions that played out across his face afterwards because she tightened her hold on his hand and motioned him closer so that she could kiss him again.

He took her there on the settee. Worked her over slow and hard, his gaze only ever wavering when they slipped shut or he buried his face alongside the skin of her neck. His hands wandered whilst hers clung tight, leaving him marked and gasping. She murmured the whole while, legs wrapped around his middle to keep him as close as she possibly could, so that he could drive that bit deeper. Matty had never heard her so vocal, just muttering on and on, only ever stopping to cry out or jolt. But even then her words would either come out all warped or in a sharp shout. It only proved to spur him on though, fingers digging in and bruising the soft sides of her hips and thighs.

He could hardly think, listening to her pleads and commands. Such a demanding little thing. 

The heels of her feet dug into his flesh as her arms wrapped themselves around his shoulders, holding on, sinking her nails into his skin deep enough to have him hissing. He didn’t dare tell her to let up, just attempted to pick up his pace, hand falling away from the crease of her thigh to drag along her folds, needing her to let go before he could.

“Close?”

He was met with a choked gasp: “Yeah.” Followed by a cascade of assent, breath wetting the cut of his jaw as her hands jumped up to curl themselves along his shoulders.

Matt felt himself nod, but was hardly even aware of it, gaze trained on her face, the watering of her eyes, the pink swell of her lips. “So good for me. Don’t deserve you.”

His words just made her strengthen her already too tight hold and then she was writhing beneath him, tear sliding down the side of her face just as her head tilted far back against the cushions and she moaned.

He wasn’t far behind her, but she continued to work her hips to the best of her ability whilst his thrusts became more and more desperate. He only noticed that he was clenching his teeth when her fingers came up to thread through his hair, slackening the muscles there in his face just as his head fell forward, hovering a centimetre or two above the dip in her collar.

Matty felt lips press against the side of his head, soft but there. “I love you.” She said, and he couldn’t even respond, lost in the sensations that overwhelmed him as he jolted forward, every muscle in his legs tensing as his eyes slammed close. 

His breathing was harsh and laboured when he finally managed to pull out, falling into the little space she created for him on the side of the sofa. He draped an arm over her middle, not giving much thought to the damp sheen on their skin or the mess between her thighs. They could have this for a little while longer.

Matty hid a smile, nosing along her shoulder as he better settled into his position before he kissed the sweet skin there. Her back was to him now, him wrapped up around her body, their legs entangled, and he thought back to those few words of hers. 

Back to that night she’d first said them. 

To when she had last said them.

He started to trail a finger over her side, up and then down before he decided to trace each letter one by one. He heard her huff a laugh when she finally caught on, but he pressed on, writing more.

When she patted his hand and shifted, he frowned, wondering if he’d pushed too far, too quickly, even though she’d been the one to say it first. But she just rolled around to face him and grinned at the face he must’ve worn.

“You’re an idiot.”

His brow pinched but he still felt himself smile, “What?”

She laughed all lovelylike and he blinked at the sweetness of it, wondering when he’d gotten so used to hearing such a pretty fucking sound. 

He poked at her side, prodding, “Go on, tell me.”

With a fond roll of her eyes, Matty watched the stretch of her smile  soften before he stilled slightly at her slow touch, the drag of her finger which trailed over his stubbled cheek. “Just such a you thing to do.” She teased him quietly, fingertip reaching up to skim over the bridge of his nose and then his eyelids.

Matty shrugged, narrowing his eyes a tad but unable to truly hide the small smirk he was wearing. He moved his hand back to her hip, tracing another word that had her huffing and shaking her head in sudden exasperation. Then another. And another.

Her eyes were wide when he chanced a glance up at her and she swallowed at the earnest expression he gifted her. “I mean it.” He whispered into the tiny slot of space that rested between their heads.

He watched as her stare tracked along his face, flicking from one eye to the other. “How can you be so sure?”

Matty shrugged the shoulder that wasn’t pressed up against the settee, a small smile dancing on his mouth. “Never been sure of much, but I know this.”

She quirked an eyebrow, “This your way of askin’?”

Chuckling lightly, he shook his head in turn. “Nah, gotta think of something good. Big.” He grinned at the snort she gave, but continued on anyway, fingers simply brushing against her hip now, “Figure we need time to get there again, sort through this mess.”

“Again?”

Matty hummed, thinking back to the bout of songs he’d been working on over the last few months, to the days G had smirked and asked about some of the lyrics he’d written down. “Been playing on my mind.”

There was a small curve to her brow now, an almost frown but not, Matty knew her well enough to know that she was just a little thrown by his answer.

“How long?”

Her whispered ask had him thinking, but he couldn’t really give her an exact time span. He’d hardly even realised it himself. “I don’t know, but for a while.”

She breathed out a quiet little laugh, eyes darting between his own once more, “So one day then?”

Matty hummed happily, face breaking into a slow going grin as one of his hands came up to cup her face, thumb soothing her cheek. “One day, Squeaks,” He murmured to her, “I’m gonna marry the shit out of you.”

Her cheek warmed beneath his touch but she laughed, shaking her head ever so slightly whilst her eyes looked down before shooting right back up again. “You’re gonna regret that.”

Wrinkling his nose a tad and curling his upper lip, Matty just shook his head, “Nah, don’t reckon so.”

“You say that,” She all but sang before she was kicking up a storm in his hold, quickly trying to get away from the hand that had come up to run a rhythm down her side, tickling her into shutting that daft mouth of hers.

“Yeah, I do fuckin’ say.” Matty chuckled, grinning madly as he continued to grab at her, teasing her bare skin with his tormenting touch. It was with that in which Mouse went sailing, rolling away from him in an attempt to escape, and dragging Matty with, him still so caught up in her that the pair of them went tumbling to the living-room floor.

Matty felt as though all the air in his lungs had been kicked from his chest once the world had stopped spinning and finally righted itself. He realised all too quickly what had happened, a heap of hair splayed over his face as he spluttered. 

“Fuck.” He managed to drag out, forcing a huffy laugh from his chest.

He watched on as she struggled for a second, him having cushioned her fall, and she pushed up onto her palms so that she could glare down at him, not entirely unhappy. Matty snorted and raised his arms in defence.

“Don’t blame me.”

If it was at all possible, her eyes cut sharper. “The fuck I won’t! Why’d you start tickling me?”

“Because you never know when to shut up!” Matty laughed, wheezing a little as he did and bending a knee so that he could plant one foot firmly on the floor, his hand rested on his chest.

She just rolled her eyes though as she battled to sit up, spine curving once she had. Matty reached out to trail the length of it, pulse jumping at the shiver he watched run through her.

“How’d we even go from you being such a sap to us on the floor?” Mouse huffed, reaching up to grab at a throw that had been resting on the nearby armchair. Matty watched through a lazy gaze as she bundled it into an oddly shaped ball of sorts before turning back to him. “Fucking all sticky now too.”

He smiled stupidly, folding his hands behind his head, unashamed as he was, to better protect it from the hardwood floors.

She stood with a roll of her eyes, on unsteady legs mind– something Matty felt all too pleased with– and caught sight of his smirk, and before he could even see it coming the bundled blanket was being thrown at his head. He yelped girlishly and floundered to shield himself from it but it still managed to catch the side of his face with just enough force. 

He listened to her hearty laugh as he tossed the thing back at her legs, frowning when it missed and her footsteps began to trail away. “Oi, where do you think you’re goin’?”

“To shower!” She called out from over her shoulder just before she could disappear through the doorway, “Again!”

Matty huffed a small snicker to himself and resorted to simply staring up at the ceiling whilst he waited, but before he could get too comfortable there she was calling out to him again.

“So you coming or what, Healy?”

And fuck if that didn’t have him scrambling up off of the floor to join her. He smiled when she merely laughed at the eager sight of him rounding the hallway and he found himself wondering how the fuck he’d managed this as she turned on the tap and pulled him under the water with her.

He must’ve seemed a little out of it though because she was tilting her head at him when he peered over at her, her hands at his hips. “You good?” 

Matty hummed quietly, dipping his head to kiss her once more because he could. “Yeah, just happy.”

And wasn’t that a thought. Him happy.

Mouse grinned at him, eyes lighting up with it as he stepped on closer. Her hold tightened, “Me too.”

Me too.

[floraphoenix]

Three times Amit nearly kissed her (and one time he did)

Amit Thakkar was still adjusting to his new life in the tiny hamlet of Keenbridge. It was certainly a different pace for him, but he was enjoying it all the same.

He'd got a little cottage on top of the hill, a little bit isolated from the other houses, but he didn't mind. 

Oh, and his obsession with the stars was still consuming him alive. He'd set up a small station for himself in his garden, a telescope on a rickety old table and several (hundred) scrolls of parchment just waiting to be filled with notes on his sightings.

The people were nice too, which is always a bonus. Well, most of them. There was one bloke Amit had the misfortune of meeting on his first day and he'd vowed he'd steer clear of him as much as possible because he was a right ol' piece of work. Amit didn't have the guts to face any sort of negative attitude from the man, and had developed a (bad) habit of scurrying away whenever he caught sight of him.

Merlin, he was such a coward.

He just didn't want trouble!

Then there was her.

Now she- She was someone Amit wanted to be around.

There was something about her eyes that managed to send Amit into a frenzy.

The very first time they had met, they'd quite literally ploughed right into each other on the street. Admittedly, neither of them was looking where they were going, and then suddenly the basket of fruit she was carrying was tumbling to the floor, half the contents spilling all over the place. 

She only had half a second to watch sadly as an apple rolled its merry way down the street, before she’d dived down to retrieve the still-good food.

They'd collided with such a force that they both let out an audible "oof" before stumbling away from each other, and Amit let out such a fast string of apologies that even himself couldn't even decipher in that moment. He scrambled down to help, picking up fruit as she set the basket right and chucked her share in.

"Oh, I'm awfully sorry madam, I wasn't looking when I should've, it's entirely my… fault…" he had to trail off.

When their eyes met, Amit felt as though he’d fallen straight into a rather cliché romance novel; the way she looked up at him, irises glittering in the morning sun, long lashes batting, it was like time had slowed for him.

Her eyes tore right through him, slightly annoyed but unable to stop the humour from seeping through.

His breath hitched in his throat and he snapped his mouth shut, his own dark eyes staring right back at her.

"Are you alright? I'm so sorry, I wasn't looking," she asked, placing the last of the fruit back into the basket and rising to her full height.

(If there was one thing Amit was relatively proud of, it was his height. He grew quite tall in the summer after his fifth year, and suddenly he was quite popular with the ladies. Not that he had much time for… things like that… But it made him at least a bit more confident!

And right now, he was towering over her.)

"Oh, no, I'm fine, and it was my fault, I apologize for the absolute carnage," he rushed out, "and I'm sorry about your fruit! I-"

"Hey, don't worry about the fruit, I'm sure my mother will understand the circumstances when I give them to her." The lady explained, flashing a smile, before furrowing her brows. "Wait, I haven't seen you here before."

"O-oh, yes, I moved in a short while ago, um," he awkwardly stuck out his hand, "Amit Thakkar."

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mr Thakkar." She shook his hand firmly, and the way she never broke eye contact made butterflies erupt in his stomach. "I live just over there," she pointed off to one of the houses, "so if you need anything, give us a shout."

"That's very gracious of you," Amit said truthfully, feeling a bit more welcomed than stupid after the whole fiasco.

"Right, I better be off. See you around, Mr Thakkar!" She bid him farewell, scooped up her basket, and bustled off down the street.

Amit just kind of… stood there for a bit.

Honestly, he was feeling a bit overwhelmed by the whole encounter.

He started off by mentally slapping himself. He'd made such a fool of himself, why can't he just look where he's going?!

Then, he gave himself an internal pat on the back. He'd spoken to a very nice, very pretty lady and there were no hard feelings. Result!

He had a feeling he was going to get on well here.

🐦

A few days later, that feeling dissipated. Because Amit Thakkar had now come face to face with the one person he did not want to see.

Mr Kaligan, the haughty, loud, God-loving and generally rude man Amit didn't find very pleasant was currently pestering Amit's new lady friend.

And Amit's lady friend was smiling slightly. She was chuckling along to Kaligan's (poor attempts at a) joke, and Amit couldn't help but notice the repeated glances she shot the man's way. 

She looked uncomfortable.

But, Amit absolutely hated confrontation.

He'd rather eat Mooncalf poo than actually intervene in anything that didn't involve him. Even if it did involve him, he'd probably leave it as well.

So, he stood there, watching out of the corner of his eye.

"You gonna buy that, mate?" The shopkeeper asked, making Amit jerk. He was holding a quill that he'd picked up and hadn't really done anything with it.

"Oh! Yes, please," he hurried out, handing the shopkeeper the money before scampering off to try and not embarrass himself further (he seemed to be very good at that as of late.)

He shot a look over at his friend again.

She was on her own! Kaligan had apparently gotten bored and wandered off.

Now, Amit had two choices.

Choice one: go home. Stay home. Only come out at night.

Choice two: go and talk to his friend. Make sure she's okay.

His years alone - just him and the stars - may have done a slight bit of damage to his self esteem, along with his ability to actually communicate with other humans. 

His years at Hogwarts may have also contributed to his lack of assertion into conversations; he'd often kept to himself, plus people weren't really interested in what he had to say anyway, because all he really talked about was the night sky.

He just didn't want to be judged and come off as something he's not, you know?

(The Spotlight Effect is the psychological phenomenon by which people tend to believe they are being noticed more than they really are.)

His decision was made for him, however, when his friend came strolling up to him, grinning.

“Hello again, Mr Thakkar,” she greeted cheerfully, closing her eyes as she smiled his way, as if the afternoon sun was in her eyes (it was.)

“Oh! Uh, hello again,” he said awkwardly, providing a wonky smile that looked my like a grimace (he looked constipated.)

“I’m glad I found you, actually,” she said, and Amit’s brain briefly shut down when she grabbed his arms and shuffled them around, so she was facing away from the sun and not screwing her face up like she had something lodged up her nose, “I wanted to give you this!”

She seemed to produce a very pretty and carefully decorated piece of pottery out of nowhere, handing it to him. Amit, taken aback, gathered it was plate, absolutely littered with-

“Constellations!” He blurted unceremoniously, jaw dropping to the floor. He stared at her. “How did you-”

“When you gave me your name, I could have sworn I’d heard it before, so I did some digging, and realised you’d written a very interesting column in the Daily Profit about astronomy and other sky related things. Consider this a ‘Welcome to Town’ gift as well as an apology gift. For running into you, of course.”

Amit was, for lack of better words, dumbfounded. He’d kind of forgotten he’d written that column, but for this woman to do something so kind to him, going as far as gifting something within his interests, well, it made him a bit giddy. He didn’t even know her, but she seemed to be determined to make a friend out of him.

“It’s… beautiful- did you make this?” He questioned, tracing a finger along the smooth, painted lines.

The woman gave a short laugh.

“I painted it, my mother made the base plate. I assume it is to your satisfaction?” She said in a joking manner, but she seemed to do a minute double-take when she looked up to see Amit watching her, dark eyes alight with wonder.

“It’s wonderful,” he stated breathlessly, bringing the plate a bit closer to his chest, as if he was going to hug it, “thank you ever so much, that’s so kind of you.”

“Ah, it's nothing,” the woman waved her hand nonchalantly, “just wanted you to feel welcome. How have you been faring?”

As the conversation progressed, Amit felt the tension leave his shoulders. They spoke about anything and everything; family, school, jobs and hobbies… The woman was so friendly, Amit felt as though they’d been friends for years.

It was… nice. Refreshing. 

“Right, I better be off,” Amit said (for the third time), swinging his arms and doing an odd side shuffle in the direction of his house.

“Of course, I’ll let you go now,” the woman laughed, patting his arm gently, comfortingly, “get home safe.”

“You too. And, uh, thank you again. You’re too kind.” He stated gratefully.

“You’re very welcome, my dear. Good day to you!” And with that, Amit’s friend walked back up the street, waving over her shoulder, before disappearing down a path.

After Amit made it home and had deposited the plate carefully on the table, he leaned against the kitchen counter and thought over the experience he just had.

That woman could talk for England. Like, she just. Kept. Going. But he found he didn’t mind that. She had a way of speaking that integrated him into the conversation, asking questions and responding in turn, and she had such a nice voice and Amit realised with a crease of his brow that he may have swooned just a little when she spoke about what she knew about the stars. Oh, and when she asked if he could show her how to properly stargaze one of these coming nights only made his heart stop. Just for a second. Nothing serious. Nothing… 

You’ve only just met her, you blithering oaf. Don’t act like she’s giving you the special treatment, she treats everyone with kindness.

Amit decided he needed to lay down.

🐦

“Oh, it's beautiful!” She exclaimed in delight, straining her neck to look upwards so much that she fell backwards onto the blanket Amit had laid out for them. 

As per her request, Amit was showing her the different stars painting the night sky, explaining their meanings and names. Amit’s friend was, he was very proud to admit, thoroughly enjoying herself.

"That's the Seven Sisters, there," Amit explained enthusiastically, pointing up and tracing his finger over the small cluster of stars, "and the three stars in a row is Orion's Belt."

"I didn't know they had names, how fascinating." She said distractedly, raising a small telescope to her eye, a spare one Amit let her borrow.

A comfortable silence washed over them as they gazed upwards.

"The moon is so bright,” Amit commented into the silence, “do you think people could live on it?”

Amit decided that it was a very stupid question right after it left his mouth, and he internally scolded himself. What a silly thing to say-

“Now that’s a question I’d like to know the answer to,” his friend said with an air of excitement, making him raise his brows, “could you imagine? Living all the way out there- you’d be able to see Earth! What an interesting concept.”

Wow. Okay. So she didn’t think it was a silly question.

“Would you live on the moon?” He asked.

She pondered for a moment, fingers on her chin, before deciding on an answer.

“Hmm, no.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m quite comfortable with my life here, where I have family and friends. Plus, if I lived on the moon, I wouldn’t be using your telescope to look at the stars.” She laughed the last bit, running a hand faintly along the telescope.

Amit chuckled, “I suppose that’s true-” 

“What a ludicrous question.”

Both of them froze at the sudden voice behind them, before they both whipped around to see none other than Mr. Kaligan, leaning against a fence post, arms folded. He had a spiteful look plastered across his (ugly) face.

“What are you-” the lady began, but was cut off.

“A man and a woman sat alone together at the ungodly hours of the night? Anyone could get the wrong idea.” He sneered nastily.

Amit fought the blush that was threatening to show itself, before he distantly remembered it was dark out, and was probably hard to see anyway. 

“I-It’s not like that at all,” he tried.

“Well-”

“Well-” the woman cut the man off fiercely, “we were having a nice chat as friends, so I don’t see how that’s any of your business. At all. Were you watching us?”

“I was taking a walk-”

“At midnight?” Amit asked innocently, a very brief surge of courage allowing him to speak.

Kaligan stumbled and spluttered for a moment before sticking his ugly nose in the air and marching off into the night. 

Amit let out a breath.

“Men, huh.” He deadpanned, sympathising. 

“Wouldn’t call that a man, my dear. Boyish behaviour if you ask me. Might as well still live with mummy,” she responded, and they both snorted.

“On that slightly abrupt note, should we wrap things up for tonight?” She continued.

“Might be wise,” Amit confirmed, hiding the pang of disappointment of not being able to stay out some more.

“Let's do this again some other time. I had fun! You’re so interesting to talk to, and your knowledge of the sky is magnificent.”

“Oh! Um, of course, we’ll definitely do this again!” Amit had to prevent himself from bouncing on the balls of his feet and looking too happy.

🐦

Amit’s luck the next day decided to disappear into the next dimension, because who should show up?

Kaligan.

And he was approaching him. Fast.

Oh, Christ, he looks like he’s going to hit me, why does he look like an angry bull? He’s getting closer, run Amit, stop standing like a lemon, turn and run damnit-

“Why don’t you stay away from her, yeah?” The man leered, and Amit instinctively drew into himself. “I don’t need you meddling-”

Mr Kaligan was suddenly cut off by the tip of a wand being dug ever so gently into his neck. He swallowed, snapping his eyes to see her in all her fury, jaw clenched. 

Amit decided she looked quite fierce. 

He also decided she was very attractive like this (he squashed those thoughts as fast as he could.)

“Are you threatening him?” She asked, voice dangerously calm.

“I…no?” Kaligan answered meekly.

Her lips pursed.

“I was a fool to think you were a nice fellow. Get out of here. Go on, shoo!” She spat, making motions of dismissal with her hands. Kaligan stumbled away a bit, turning around in hopes of getting a word in.

“But-”

“Scram!” The woman all but growled, a rasp to her voice, and her brows furrowed. She watched with stern eyes as Kaligan scurried back up the hill, cursing up a storm, before whirling to face Amit, who jumped in slight fear (she looked a bit scary.)

She proceeded to grab him by the arm, and quite literally march him through the gate, up her garden path, and into her house.

“Are you alright?” She asked immediately, taking him by the shoulders and scanning his body. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

“Er, no, I’m fine,” Amit answered, flushing slightly under her gaze. 

Their eyes met.

Their eyes met.

Amit couldn't look away, although it felt as though he was staring right into the sun.

“I knew I shouldn’t have trusted him. Blasted man…” she muttered, never breaking eye contact. 

“Well, for what it's worth, I think you’ve scared him away for good.” Amit jested to lighten the mood, and she exhaled through her nose in amusement. 

“I’m not that scary, am I?”

“You’re terrifying.” He stated lowly.

“Do I scare you?”

Amit was far too lost in her eyes to think properly anymore.

“You scare me a lot.”

“Is that a bad thing?” She whispered, blinking slowly.

They were awfully close now, and Amit doesn’t remember leaning in. He could feel her breath fanning across his cheek. 

“Of course not.”

Their lips met in a chaste, barely-there kiss, just a mere brush of the lips, before the man pulled away.

“Oh.”

Oh, indeed. He’d just kissed this pretty lady, the lady everyone wanted to be with, he’d kissed her, oh it was a bit much.

“Oh?” Her tone was questioning; her hands were gripping his arms, just above his elbows, and Amit licked his lips nervously.

“I mean- wait, let me try that again,” and he leaned down again, closing his eyes and pressing his mouth to hers, and he felt her smile before pushing back against him, running her hands further up his arms to grip his biceps. 

Ok, that was better.

His hands traveled down to her hips, bringing her a bit closer, and he felt her nails dig briefly into his arms.

Her tongue traced along his lower lip, and he gasped, eyelids fluttering, and then they were really kissing.

Tongue and teeth and lips sloppily merged into one, and they pushed closer against each other, as close as they could get, but she pushed forward so much he had to take several steps back, almost stumbling, and when the back of his knees hit the armchair in the corner by the empty fireplace, he almost tumbled backwards with the grace of a toad, had she not been holding him firmly and guiding him to sit. Their mouths never broke apart, not even when Amit sat with an “oof” which was muffled against her lips, and she giggled, bending over him so that he had to strain his neck to continue kissing.

She shuffled forward, pressing his knees together and straddling his lap, palms now resting on his jaw, just below his ears, and one of his hands made its way to run up her back, the other gripping the arm of the chair. 

The noises they were making were obscene; sloppy, sucking, slurping sounds mixed with the heavy breathing as they kissed, the little sounds made in the backs of their throats, the gentle yet desperate whisper of each other’s names against their mouths…

Amit couldn’t help chasing her lips when she pulled away, cracking his eyes open, and if his heart wasn’t absolutely racing before, it definitely was now.

Her cheeks were flushed, lips slightly swollen and bruised, and he managed to catch sight of the brief string of saliva that connected their mouths before it broke and vanished.

He swallowed, adam’s apple bobbing, as he gazed up at her, and he had to admit she looked ethereal right now; the late afternoon sun shone just right through the draped window, creating a halo of light around her, and as she stared down at him intently, he thanked Merlin, the Ghost of Marley, and all things Holy that he was here to witness such a beautiful sight.

His thumbs traced circles on her hips as he watched her chest rise and fall as she panted, and his eyes trailed over her breasts…

He kind of wanted to put his face between them-

Oh, what a pervert he was! He was better than that!

She wasn't, though.

She dove back down before he had time to register, and she started kissing up his jaw, down his neck, hooking a finger over his collar to pull it aside.

Amit always chose to keep his top button undone these days, especially when the summer sun beat down during the day. Allowed him to feel a bit freer, but right now it was giving her perfect access to his collarbone, and she kissed along it.

She nuzzled her face into the skin where his neck and shoulder joined, and Amit hummed and tipped his head back against the headrest of the chair. He felt her nibble at the skin, licking and sucking, running her hands up his chest, into his hair, ruffling it so it's usual neatness was ruined, making it stick up in various places.

Amit didn't mind.

Her mouth was back on his again, and their tongues fought once more. He sucked her bottom lip into his mouth, and the little noise she let out shook him to the core.

"You're so pretty," Amit muttered against her lips, squeezing her hips slightly, "a beautiful star."

She giggled, leaning back and perching on his knees, "Trust you to compare me to a star."

"Mm, I can't help it," he said in a low voice, bringing a gentle hand up to brush against her cheek, moving a lock of hair and twirling it around his finger. "You're just so beautiful. Like Cassiopeia, the Queen. She was known for her unrivalled beauty."

Off he went talking about constellations again.

"Hmm, wasn't she known for being extremely vain as well?" She questioned with a tilt of her head, chuckling as Amit gave a small smile.

"We look past that fact." He told her, blinking slowly, a rather dazed look on his face. 

Her chuckles turned to laughter, and she let out a short squeal as she lunged forward, wrapping her arms around the man and hugging him tight.

He wrapped his own arms around her back, breathing in her sweet scent.

"Let me make you dinner," he suggested into her shoulder, "just us."

"That sounds nice." She said, not moving.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Food Prep

Fish pie - moderate success. Required more garlic, maybe some dill, definitely more filling in general because I have a feeling that their baking tray is smaller than mine. Still, definitely has potential. Not too spoon-intensive if you're using pre-made mashed potato, recipe will go up on the Spoonie Chef blog as soon as I've properly perfected it.

Chocolate chip cookie dough - again, moderate success. It's currently setting in the fridge so I can roll it into easy-slice tubes later. I mean, chocolate chip cookie dough is great because it'll keep and you can even freeze it, so you don't have to bake the whole batch all at once.

I have more snack ideas to implement tomorrow - mostly the old standby of rice krispie treats and maybe brownies. Possibly snickerdoodles. I just like to have the snacks around, y'know? And since I now have most of the ingredients for this stuff, might as well use it. I should put the recipe I use for rise krispie treats on the Spoonie Chef blog too, since it's a relatively easy thing and I kind of do the "by guess and by gosh" thing with the ingredients anyway.

Of course, I do have a little big of a logic puzzle to do about the various food-bits at this point. See, I know full well that fish doesn't keep particularly long, so I probably want to either eat the leftovers fast or put some of them in the freezer (which is a little ... erm ... crowded). However, while the chicken I bought could wait a couple of days (its use-by date is Tuesday), I'm not sure I can trust use-by dates on this shit and also, frankly, I will probably not have enough spoons on Tuesday to carve a chicken. So I guess chicken tomorrow with a lot of its leftovers going into the freezer for use in yet more batch cooking. Also I should cook it early so I have a decent amount of time to boil the carcass for stock. I have found to my delight that whoever reassured me that I should be striving for "the chicken jelly" was entirely spot-on, and it turns out I'm pretty damn good at getting stock to "chicken jelly" consistency. So ... yeah, between the stock, the sliced-up breasts, and two chicken leg quarters, I'm going to get aaaaaaaaaaall the best use out of that there chicken. And the herb garden, obviously. Because seriously, the treatment I give my roast chicken ends up with it being "literally falls off the bone" tender.

Don't mind me - I'm just very proud of myself sometimes. I may not remember to eat as often as I maybe should, but damn can I cook. Plus I can still cook at least partly on a budget, even though a lot of my food is more expensive because of dietary restrictions.

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

Hellooo id like to request matchups for Genshin Impact, MHA and Obey me! One of the brothers for Obey Me and a boi for the other two if thats okay <33

General stuff/Appearance

The names Jade, I'm female (she/her), 17 years old, straight, zodiac is pisces and mbti is intp. Im relatively short (160cm, idk what that is in feet Im European :,)) maybe 5'3??)). My parents are from Turkey but I was born in Austria so somehow I can speak 6 languages now- My skin tone is comparable to toast (lmao its a bit darker then toast but i am pretty pale), I have a diamond shaped head with sharp facial features, my hair is straight and dark brown with lighter variations in certain hair parts. I tie 'em up in a loose ponytail often tho. I let my shorter hair strains at the front do their own thingy, it's more fun xD. Brown eyes, straight nose, thin lips- all that stuff. Body type is hourglass.

Personality

One will realize pretty quickly that I am in fact not normal lmao- i'm a bit weird but i'm living for it. I'd describe myself as rather introverted though I'm not shy or timid. I just like to relax and do things my way. I have a lot of pride and discipline as well and I'm very proud of that. I'm also pretty easy to talk to if I do say so myself and laid-back as well. I have a lot of acceptance and tolerance so I am not quick to make unreasonable decisions. I'm also funny apparently (my friend's opinion. Lazy too but we don't talk about that HA-) I can snap pretty spontaneously tho if you push the right buttons. I'm still working on the anger management xD

Interests/Hobbies

If you couldn't already tell by my ability to speak a lot of languages I am really interested in them. I love to learn new stuff and expand my knowledge in general- I also LOVE listening to music (my earphones are my bebes) and sometimes drawing is pretty tempting as well. Idk why but designing / decorating is something I tend to enjoy doing even though I don't realize it. Gardening is also a hobby of mine. (Just smaller note because of my dislikes- i have no dislikes in that sense but if id had to settle on one it would be people being late to meetings or events in general, like bro u had one job-)

Just a few more smaller facts- My love language is quality time and I'm not overly experienced when it comes to relationships. I'm also more on the giving end than on the receiving end- I have trouble accepting help and kindness from others but am willing to love the other person unconditionally if I get to initiate the affection. I tend to be drawn to people that are confident and know how to handle any kind of situation.

Thank you in case my request gets accepted <33 bye byeee~

Hi Jade! Oh my goodness six languages! I can only speak English and a tiny bit of Italian. I'm trying to learn Japanese but it's slow going. Thank you for your request! I hope you like your matchups!

In Genshin Impact, I match you with...

You and Diluc are the definition of the straightlaced and weird couple. Diluc doesn't let his hair down a whole lot so having you in his life definitely brings a lot of strange energy that he hasn't had since his childhood.

He wouldn't change that for the world though. He loves listening to you talk about your interests. They're so different from all the wine business he has to deal with on a daily basis so it's a nice break.

Would like it if you sent him song recommendations. He would like to expand his music tastes a bit.

He'll listen to everything you send him and give his comments the next time he sees you.

Diluc loves spending quality time with you. I see his love languages as quality time and physical touch (he's without a doubt touch starved, please give him hugs).

He knows what it's like to feel like you don't deserve affection but he'll try to help you feel better about accepting help and kindness. He's always going to be there for you if you need him.

In My Hero Academia, I match you with...

Sero is the supportive person you need! He's going to support you unconditionally in everything you do. If he sees you need help but are struggling to ask for it, he'll approach you.

If you decline but he sees that you really wanted to say yes, he'll do little things to help out. Dinner? He's already cooking it, no need to worry. The laundry? He did that an hour ago. You want to go for a walk to clear your head? For sure!

Loves it when you speak in other languages. If you go off the headcannon that Sero speaks Spanish, he'd start replying to anything you say in another language in Spanish. Whether he understands what you've said or not, he's saying something back in Spanish.

Music is something that unites you. Please send him songs you like. He'll send some back!

Makes playlists for you that are combinations of his favourite songs, you favourites, and some that remain him of your relationship. They're his study playlists now.

In Obey Me, I match you with...

Lucifer definitely knows how to speak a bunch of languages. He's been around for who knows how long. Chances are high he speaks the same languages you do, plus a few.

Loves talking to you in other languages when his brothers are around, especially if he knows they don't speak that language. It feels more intimate (and makes his pride blow up).

Please introduce him to gardening. He would find it relaxing and it's a good break from doing paperwork for days on end.

Also please introduce him to songs that came out a little more recently than the classical music he listens to. I think he'd be a fan of rock ballads and songs with the same vibe as "Line Without a Hook" by Ricky Montgomery.

Enjoys spending quality time with you. He needs a break sometimes and there's nothing quite like having a mid-afternoon nap with someone you care about.

Lucifer likes that you have a point where you will snap. It makes him more comfortable letting you roam around the Devildom. He knows you won't let some random demon walk all over you.

[steamishot]

T-35 days

work is now easing into its slow season. i've still been training the new girl A here and there. the last time i met up with her, i was "too nice" and continued training her for 2.5 hours and basically held her hand through everything. it's really frustrating when we have gone over something 3x before and she doesn't remember how to do it. at the rate of which she's learning, we still haven't gone over the other populations i used to manage. the last time we met up, i set a hard boundary at 1 hour and told her i had to go.

i believe this is a hire of nepotism, which puts me in an odd place. i haven't complained or made comments about her to my previous manager because i think she's some sort of distant friend or relative. but going forward, she will be my old manager's responsibility.

boston: we took our first amtrak ride to boston. by coincidence, we've gone to boston once a year during aug/sept for the past 3 years. the first time was by plane, the second by driving, and third time by train.

after a 4 hour train ride, we arrived to the boston back bay station around 2pm on saturday. we checked into our hotel room where the wedding venue was also taking place. took a shower and got ready.

they provided a shuttle to the church. it was my first time witnessing a church wedding, and for white people, lol! it was the most "like the movies" wedding i've been to

the wedding was pretty intimate, about 6-7 tables. matt was surprised he got invited

we got seated with the groom's (who was matt's coresident) medical friends. i sat with an endocrinologist, pathologist, PCP, palliative care consultant and hospitalist. the spouses of the doctors were also non-med. and the one PCP who is married to another doctor, his anesthesiologist partner didn't show up, lol. other people kept asking if i was a doctor too and i had FOMO for not having a dr title

on sunday, we met up with K for about two hours. she's going through some personal things so i sensed that she wasn't really in a sociable mood and didn't want to hang out for long. however, we got to exchange creations with each other and have dinner together. she crocheted a unicorn for me, and i gave her a bowl i made in ceramics (color taro).

randomly, matt and i stumbled upon a korean group dancing at the park while we were walking around. they gave out bracelet freebies and i picked up 3 packets. we all made and wore a "friendship bracelet". she texted me today that she's still wearing it because it reminds her of spontaneity + friendship 🥰

although my friendship with K is 99% digital (this was my third time ever meeting in person over 4+ years?), we've gotten pretty close because we're now texting almost daily and are learning japanese together via duolingo

even though i was pretty anxious about these two events, i left boston feeling pretty fulfilled. i got to hang out with matt's medical friends, their partners, and got to also see my friend for a bit. it makes me feel proud to see the friendships/community we created on the east coast, even though the meetups are quite infrequent, lol

exercise: i'm motivated to start running again, or being more consistent with cardio (biking is another option). since returning to NYC and being in a whole mood about this move, i realize i've been more or less like a potato. i was mentally at my best when i did consistent, challenging workouts. this was a long, long time ago. and when i'm overly emotional, it's easy to just slip into a depressive mode and not workout at all.

upcoming plans: we have a double date for pizza with S&I tomorrow. i'll be going on a hike with T&S on sunday. a pool hangout with A&S the following weekend. then, switzerland. i don't have the same excitement for social plans as i used to have when i was in the "building my life here" mode, because now it's become "leaving my life here" mode. and it feels a little pensive and sad thinking about our last hangouts, but the thoughts are probably always worse than what actually is. it's like i'm ready to leave, but i don't want to say goodbye.

media: currently reading i am not your perfect mexican daughter and enjoying it. also watching kdrama recommended by ceramics friend LG called king the land with matt. we both like it and find it funny.

[worfianism]

Saudi Arabian GP 2023 thoughts

Uno what I'm so proud of lewis. He made those mediums LAST, he gained two positions, and he actually was it looked like keeping pace with those v old mediums even towards the end. George also did well like he did pick up the pace after that first bit with the hards once he was told he'd have to and they decided on the race strategy on his side of the garage and he had a great drive so I'm pleased with both the merc boys. Mercedes should have told lewis to push at the end though, if fernando was going to get a penalty at the end it was previously established (estie bestie in bahrain) that it would have been a 10 sec pen and lewis was in the end 10.2 seconds from nando so he absolutely should have been told to push.

An aside about the team orders drama which actually doesnt seem to have existed in the first place: george wasn't given team orders so he wasnt actually doing anything wrong because he did indeed pick up the pace once he was told he would have to and hes obviously pleased with the p3, lewis said George's p3 was amazing and he sounded better about his own performance than yesterday too so things seem relatively good on Lewis's side too, i also dont think the "nothing to do with me" comment is as shady as everyone seems to think coz it legit is nothing to do with him, like george got p3 on merit (and Fernando's bad luck) not because theres been much development on the car that lewis could have helped with so its not the same sort of team effort achievement that brazil was (not that im taking anything away from George's drive there either i just think it felt like a team win to everyone at merc including lewis) and like lewis is still his competitor so like I dont think it was so much a dig at george as it was just him being frustrated with his own race a little coz as well as he did he knows it could have gone better so I won't lie I'm still not that worried about Lewis and George's working relationship. I dont know if thats naive or not but like I'd rather not conjure up a fight that doesn't exist right now.

Yuki doing amazing today as well! Nearly got that point but he just missed out but he's made so much progress!

Poor Alex and lance :(((( safety car was odd af but fia shenanigans expected.

Oscar tho making his tyres last 49 laps and then doing a double overtake with them on lap 49???? I love that.

I feel like it'd be remiss to not mention max and Charles as well (not that I had any doubt that max would be on the podium today, hes obviously very talented but also the rb did cut through the field like butter and i will say i was disappointed we didnt actually get at least a nando max fight) but Charles was a pleasure to watch as he was climbing the field and its a shame that he wasn't really given a chance to get further ahead.

And well. Fernando losing his 100th podium after the fact is very fernando. And I think he was cursed inadvertently by one Monaco based YouTuber

Also im fond of checo so good win for him

Anyway another race done. Praying for improvement for the mercs.

[wizardlizard32]

LASTLY we have some QUITE A FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW original characters for stories I want to tell to go through so prepare yourselves for a long one cause this will be THE DOOZIE I'll do my best to organize them by stories though so lets start with a WHOLE HUGE STORY I WANNA MAKE.

-Tales of Uvanos (its called this cause its literally segmented in different book terms and in universe is a collection of stories)

this is a character simply known as "The Originator of Cycles" a design inspired by my brain seeing something in a piece of EXTREMELY vague ambiguous album art that probably wasn't intended.

the first piece was my earliest exploration of the character when I didn't quite have things figured out while the second is a relatively recent Reference sheet in an attempt to really finalize the design I'm quite happy with it

some visual themes I kept in mind for this character were "Duality" "Clocks" and "Eyes" I do have a human form for this character PLANNED but the problem is I just...I cant quite make one I'm satisfied with

next up is a character by the name of "William" a Giant lizard person (in universe known as "lizros") with a... "bit" of a hoarding problem, despite this he has a heart of pure gold and a brain of peanut he...he is very dumb and kind of wholesome? he cant read by the way he just sees people look happy while staring at books and wants to join in on the fun...don't ask how he got the glasses.

this one is called "Father of the Infinite Horizon" they are...they are space god THEY ARE SPACE GOD DRAGON in universe they would be described as having "as many tails as they do hands" in other words INFINIT HANDS AND TAILS.

and with that, that would be all this universes designs lets next move ontoooooo... -HiveWire (a western style story about Robots and bugs named after in universe songs and robots that control bug)

this is Julias Fort otherwise known as "the brass devil" a machine outlaw with no Sectoid of his own, he runs a gang of similar minded folks called "the Devils of red hill" as the design probably gives away he is OBSESSED with fire and explosions this is because he woke up from his long sleep (a long period of time since humans left mars oh yeah THIS IS ON MARS where machines are stuck in sleep mode some never woke up) on a 4th of july celebration.

I'll be honest...I'm not a big fan of this design anymore and I will likely change it in the future this is one of those first draft designs.

Gold Rush Crush an enigma among mars all that's really known about it is its looks and the fact that it might not even be real? it seems to like mirage sometimes appearing in multiple places at once or moving in frames what's worse is that it can mess with a robots connection to their sectoid (bugs) partners driving them wild when near.

this is a design I am MUCH MORE SATISFIED WITH its old but I'm still kinda proud how ever I do need to tweak it a bunch still

that would kinda be it for hivewire I still need time to really explore this story idea but I have a lot in mind now lastly I have this story idea which is...also my oldest.

-EndlessWild (robot and wild human travel post apocalypse world Robot unfamiliar with new world wild life but is familiar with people, Human is familiar with new world wild life but is unfamiliar with people)

this is Parental and Educational Network or P.E.N. for short a machine from before the fall of humanity designed to assist in supervision and education during late work hours they've woken up to the now mostly animal dominated world and is lost in a familiar but off setting that doesnt quite line up with its old world data.

another personal favorite albeit still in rough stages design I kinda want his design to be a mix of fantasy wizards and magitech with some Art deco influence.

Quinn mortison The Cackling Crow, an old trader with a strange cough like that of a crows croaking he is not to be trusted as there is suspicion that he is behind several missing caravan reports due to wild life (although how he lures several species of creatures is currently unknown).

the painfully obvious planned villain of the story while this design has undergone....SEVERAL revisions I'm still not quite...happy with it...not yet its close but not quite enough.

The Radiant Maglight a being of myth in the endless wild among all this being is said to be a magpie made of pure light who will signal when humanity can settle once more by slaying the horror of their own creation "The Wrong Wyrm".

these are also super rough a trend you'll notice a lot in my art I'm quite pleased in the direction this is going but just something about the design doesn't... feel right... hmmmmmmmmmmmm >:l

these are cobblids a tiny species of monitor lizard named for their cobbled stone like scales that seem to be following the same path as early humans while it is hard for humans to understand them efforts have been made and progress is going.

I...I have a bias for lizards I like lizards anywho these little things make me happy it especially helps cause they got me out of a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE art block TWICE when I made them and then continued to explore the designs I still wanna work on em I like how cute they are but Idk they feel too...mascot-y.

in this world theres also Paved river monitors another species of monitor lizard thats evolved for a more aquatic lifestyle akin to crocodiles they live in "paved rivers" as the name implies which are old roads flooded and deepened with a constant stream of water making new rivers within the now worn down ruined cities of old.

these were just fun I think taking simple abstract concepts or inanimate objects and turning them into semi believable animals is one of my favorite things to do in art its just...fun and a lesson I learned from listening to mh devs talk about how they make things :>

lastly we have "Pine walkers" while they look more akin to a strange kind of dog they're actually derived from old bears they've evolved to resemble young pine trees under thick layers of snow the live way up north and will use their claws to chip away at frozen water surfaces and fish for food using their tongues as lures. this was one of my earliest concepts for this story idea and came from a similar mindset as the originator design all the way up top albeit with a tree I saw outside rather than a abstract album cover I definitely...like this design? but I definitely want to revisit it.

[thethreemages]

W O O, so I'm back a bit from the art-grave to finally upload this piece I had completed a lil while ago... the pic in question being some slight redesign/touchups for two of my central side characters of TTM, Noira and Raider Crane~ 💙 Just to keep things a lil fresh and reflecting a bit better of their current character portrayals, so I hope you all enjoy! ^^

More info about both characters can be found below (and here on DA too)~

-Noira Crane (age 16) is Raider's younger sister, Princess Zia's best friend and currently enrolled at St. Ravilda's Mage Academy. A generally stoic and poised young lady with a rather sharp tongue than many would expect... often expressed through well-placed snark at those trying to interrupt her and Zia's "fun" (aka: sneaking around and setting up pranks around the school). When she's not busy hanging with Zia and keeping up their rather limited cheer squad these days, Noira could often be seen competing heavily for maintaining her place up above the top ranked students (of which a certain white-haired prince keeps trying to secure that spot for himself). Underneath her "well-to-do" exterior, however... lies a deep-down insecure girl who often feels pressured to bottle up her feelings, especially with the amount of pressure her parents (Lachlan & Vinia) put on both her and her brother Raider growing up. Combined with the strain put on from Raider's falling out with their parents a few years back... it's left Noira rather scared to delve too much into her own natural Water Mage abilities for fear she can't measure up (even with her folks trying their best to "dial back" for her sake, since she's their only remaining child living with them now). The few things in life that can truly bring a sense of peace and smiles to her face are Zia's company, the success of beating her rivals, and the never-ending bond she and Raider share between eachother... no matter the distance, no matter what.  (Fun Facts about Noira): -She's usually never seen walking around without her beloved dog companion, "Misty Belle" (courtesy to my pal @littlechaoticwitch for helping to come up with the name :3 ). The fluffy pup given to her as a gift from her folks a few years back, Misty is quite a sweet lil lady for most who are allowed to be near her. Always eager to follow her mistress around faithfully, snuggling and goofing around the room when left idle, and occasionally chewing at the ankles of those who try to mess with Noira (like, again, a certain white-paired prince who never ceases to push his luck lol).  -She was named after one of the earlier Crane family ancestors, "Noira the Victress". Said to have been quite a powerful blood pirate, the present-day Noira Crane has... always been a bit unsure of how to feel about her namesake, despite her father and some other distant relatives seeming rather proud of it. She's still a lil curious to try and research more about her ancestor though, given how popular she was as a subject for numerous campfire stories.  -Noira has been diagnosed as nearsighted from the time she was in elementary school, and thus is never seen without her favorite pair of horn-rimmed glasses (an aesthetic picked up from her favorite aunt, Freya).  -While her parents have officially stated for Noira to be the heir to their Crane Corp Industries business, Noira is still conflicted in herself of what she wants to do in life by the time she graduates. Whether it'd be to try out being a traveling Mage, or join more of Zia's royal court down in Asteria... its hard for her to decide atm.  -Being born a rather tiny and frail baby, Noira was always watched like a hawk by the family-hired medical professionals to keep her safe and protected. She's required to carry a couple EpiPens with her on the day-to-day with how many allergies she has, and Zia always tries to remember to keep a nice lil bag of snacks with her too in case her friend's blood sugar dips too low (as does Raider when he and Noira get to hang out on their own).  ============= -Raider Crane (age 21) is Noira's older brother, one of Kain's old school friends and currently making it big as an extreme stunt performer/traveling Electric mage. A bright, cheerful and fun-loving young man who lives to make others smile... whether it'd be for his own friend group or the crowds of audiences who clamor to come see his shows. Yet even with so much going well for him now... it wasn't always the easiest for him growing up before. Living under the roof of his folks who

always kept a tight grip

on him being "the best" (especially by his father), and even facing it worse with some bullying by Kaz's crew at school... it left Raider pretty timid and reclusive for the longest time. Only once others like Kain, Lyra, Briar and a few others taking the time to approach him did his true loveable goofball nature started to sprout for good... but at the same time, something just felt "missing" within Raider that didn't really sit right with him. Knowing how much of a rut he'd be bound to stay in if he kept up things how they were now... he decided by his last few years of Ravilda's to "change" himself for the better. From getting a new "bolder" punk look, working out and bulking over the summer, and taking some social sessions with fellow popular girl Dyani to gain some confidence in himself... Raider returned to the halls of the academy with a brighter, more-outgoing outlook on life now. He started gaining popularity left and right, taught Kaz's crew a thing or two when they tried one last chance to mess with him, and by graduation he was already on his way to make it big after getting signed on by an aspiring tv crew. All was going fine for once... yet back at home, things escalated between his parents (who still didn't seem understanding of Raider's personal dreams over their family business) to where Raider just... couldn't take it anymore. Many words were exchanged that night that prompted the young man to up and leave the family home for good... and never turning back except to now and then check up on his baby sister Noira. As the few years passed up until now, things are still going good for Raider in terms of his work and bond with Noira... though things remain relatively strained and awkward in regards to him and his parents. Whether things will ever truly improve or not with them is unclear as of now... but for the time being, Raider is at least content with himself on being able to finally shape his life the way it should be; fun, free, and fulfilling in its own way~.  (Fun Facts about Raider): -Back at his own personal trailer, Raider has a trio of cats he adopted awhile back named "Sprocket", "Buzz", and "Zipps". Having always been a strong cat person since he was a boy (but never getting the chance to own one growing up, given his mom's allergy to them), it was a big dream of Raider's to get his own feline companion by the time he moved out of the house. He went to the shelter to find three kitten siblings who were tossed aside and overlooked among some other animals... and being the big sweetie as he was, Raider was all too eager to scoop them up to adopt them all together. They're quite a funny bunch who tend to get into some trouble if left unsupervised, but are very much loyal to Raider either way with how often they'll form some "snuggle piles" with him once he's off-of-work.  -Raider gained his name from his paternal great-grandfather, Raider "The Swiftest" Crane. Originally was going to be named "Odin" (after Lachlan's own father, as was the old man's request many years ago)... but due to a falling out between the two not long before his son's birth, Lachlan decided against that and gave his boy "an even prouder name" to look up to instead. As for the present-day Raider himself, he's always been curious to know more about his great-grandfather given some accounts about him being a "commander of the skies" (via-riding dragons).  -From birth, Raider has carried an eye condition known as "Anisocoria"... in which one of his pupils is permanently smaller than the other eye and thus leaving him with some partially-blurred vision. For certain shows of his that take place in some heavy-weather conditions, Raider is required to wear some specialized goggles to help him see through his performance.  -His current neon/cyan blue hair isn't his natural haircolor, as Raider was actually born with darker/blackish-blue hair instead. Used to grow it out pretty shaggy and long up until his teens (in where he often hid his face behind his locks at times when he was down on himself)... but by the time his last

few highschool years rolled around, he cut most of it off and styled it to the look its at now as a nice change of pace. Got quite a few compliments on it's initial debut, so Raider has long since kept it around as his own lil "brand".  -As most of his friends have all long since went their separate ways after Ravilda's, Raider is the main one who likes to keep arranging for them to meet up on the few downtimes they're able to take off from their schedules. Often likes to greet any of his buddies with the biggest, crushing hugs imaginable (being lowkey touch-starved as he is)... and while not always the most logical thinker in terms of planning, he's the main heart to keep the group afloat in times they start bickering or feeling lost with one another.

[arrowheadproductions]

Glad you're back and super excited you're extending your repertoire (if that's what you want to call it) to other fandoms aside from Arrow. I love your writing and I'm actually a huge PJO fan so I was soooo happy to see you're into it too. Can you possibly do a fic of Percy being on the swim team? You can include whatever ships you want (:

Yes! I love Percy Jackson and have for pretty much the past 10 years since I got into reading the books in middle school. It’s always held a soft spot in my heart as one of my favorite universes and I’m always open to writing about it. Anyway, without further adieu, here’s this little beauty (slightly suggestive themes, but nothing smutty/explicit)

Speedos- Rated T

Percy Jackson never ever saw himself as someone that would be considered a jock, but that all changed when he got to college.

I never believed I would ever, in my life, be at the top of the food chain in school. Sure, I’ve beaten Titans, Gods, and saved the world a few times, but I still never expected this luck would translate into my “real” life in the mortal world. 

This all changed when I got to college in California. I managed to squeak into UCSF after being on the waiting list forever while my girlfriend got a full ride to Berkeley. I’m still not sure how I got into school at all let alone a school that’s 45 minutes away from Annabeth. In case my life decides to resume its regularly scheduled dose of trouble, we’re both pretty close to Camp Jupiter and I have my car on campus. 

But anyway, my heart leapt in my chest the way it does when I’m hungry and finally getting dinner when I realized that California was stereotypically full of swimmers. And my school had a pretty good swim team that made you popular. The popularity thing isn’t a big deal for me, since I know who my friends are and don’t really need too many people in my life that I have to lie to or anything, but it was nice not being treated like gum on the bottom of people’s shoes.

Of course I made the team. I can breathe underwater. Do you know how much of an advantage that gives me? Before you accuse me of being cocky or conceited, just remember that I have been given one real gift in this world and this is it. 

I do take a breath for show every lap, which is still super impressive to the mortal eye, but also let’s them know them I’m not a robot or anything. 

That wasn’t to say there weren’t some steep competition. Some of these swimmers made me question if whether or not my father broke his pact more than once in recent years. They’re all super skilled and clearly have put in the work since they were little. So, I actually need to try if I want to earn my place. 

Everyone is pretty cool with me, though. They’ve all tried to ask who my trainer is and my records (that I don’t have), and very few are really buying that I’m just a normal dude that loves to swim. They’ve stopped pestering me though.

Oh Gods, there is one downside to swim team and that’s the actual suit. It squishes everything (and I do mean everything) all together to be on full and compact show for everyone to see. It leaves very little to the imagination and resembled really ugly panties. 

I made a pretty big mistake of mentioning this to Annabeth one Friday night she was staying over in my dorm. My roommate actually ended up being a Gorgon, who I had to smite during orientation (boo!). So, I got my own room (yay!). 

“It can’t be that bad.” She called from outside the bathroom, though I could hear trying to stifle her amusement.

“I’m not coming out.”

“C’mon, Seaweed Brain. I’m going to have to see you in it tomorrow at the meet anyway and that’ll be in public.”

“Yeah, thanks for that.” I grumbled. 

Everyone is coming to my first meet tomorrow: Annabeth, Mom, Paul, Grover, Hazel, Piper, Leo, Jason, Frank, Nico, Tyson, and even Chiron. My old Latin teacher is about to see me in in tight, glorified tidy whities and a swim cap. 

“You’re never going to want to see me, let alone touch me, again after you see me in this thing.”

“I find that very hard to believe.” She said dryly. “I’ve seen you in a toga, remember?”

It took about 30 more minutes to convince me to come out and honestly, my growling stomach had a lot to do in the efforts. She played to my weaknesses and I was finally coaxed to exit the bathroom and likely embarrass myself in front of my girlfriend.

When the door flew open, she did the decent thing and looked at my face first, which I appreciated, but my face was likely the color of a firetruck, which made her eyes wander downwards. When she caught sight of the navy atrocity that left very little to the imagination, her eyes went wide like silver moons and a deep blush flushed to her cheeks and neck. 

She shifted awkwardly as she choked down a laugh. “That’s not… so bad.”

I felt like I was on fire and couldn’t meet her gaze. “You better just be laughing at the swimsuit.”

This time, her eyebrows shot to her hairline before she threw her head back and actually laughed. 

I immediately turned on my heels, determined to swim in a full wetsuit tomorrow. I even considered wearing one under all of my clothes until Annabeth used her quick reflexes to grab my hand before I could go.

“I’m not laughing at you.”

“You could have fooled me.”

She pulled me close so our chests were pressed against each other. I could feel my skin getting hot for a whole different reason. She stopped laughing, but her eyes still sparkled with merriment. 

“It’s a bad suit, but everyone looks funny in them.”

I couldn’t find it in me to be annoyed with her while she was very pressed against me and her hands stroked over my shoulders approvingly. She cupped my face and brought my head down in a slow kiss.

“It makes your butt look good though.” She said in between the kisses she layered down my jaw. I stood paralyzed like a big dumb dope, because I’m so gone for her.

“Everyone’s going to laugh at me.” Though this was becoming less of a worry or fear as she worked her way down my neck.

“Probably.” 

“You’re full of encouraging words.”

She chuckled against my skin and I swear all of the blood left my head.

“In my defense, I’m trying to stop talking.”

I quirked an eyebrow at her in disbelief. I was still adjusting to this aspect of our relationship, which was still relatively new to us. In baseball terms, our senior year of high school brought us around the bases whenever we were alone together for too long, lingering quite a bit at second and third. This summer at camp had officially taken us to home plate. It still amazed me every time that she liked me this way.

“Really? But it’s a hideous suit.”

“Yeah.” She stood on her toes and wrapped her arms around my neck. “You should take it off.”

And that was how I’d come to terms with the worst part of swimming. Everyone did laugh at me. A lot. But, I rewarded them all with a “spontaneous splash” when I dove into the water. Everyone that didn’t already know was wondering how I managed to do that with a regular dive. 

“He did that on purpose.” Grumbled Jason. 

“Why wouldn’t he? I’d be embarrassed to wear that too.” Frank said emphatically.

“It’s not that bad.” Annabeth tried.

“Oh yeah?” Leo asked. “What’s that on your neck?”

I could feel her glare from across the gym and tried my best not to laugh. 

I got over the judgment when I took first in my 500 IM. I swear I’ve never heard my mom cheer so loud in her life. Then again, I never gave her much reason to growing up since I sucked at all other sports and never exactly made scholastic decathlons. Grover accidentally bleated a few times, but the others were kind enough to try and cover it with whistles and whoops. 

“Yeah Percy!” Piper cheered as they all stood to their feet.

“Leave it to the son of the sea God to win a swimming race.” Jason smirked. 

“I think you’re just jealous that Quidditch isn’t a thing so you don’t get an advantage.” Teased Nico.

“Quidditch actually is a thing.” Annabeth said. “You just don’t fly.”

Hazel struggled to see. “Frank, I told you not to sit in front of me!”

“Sorry…” He said awkwardly.

“Does he get a medal?” Leo asked.

“Do you think he’ll let me eat the medal?” Grover tried.

“No way!” Sally nudged him. “I’m hanging that up in my house forever.”

I grinned as I reached over the lanes to shake hands with the other swimmers beside me. I ripped off my cap and shook my shaggy black hair. I was getting used to actually being wet unlike when I went swimming at camp or on adventures.

I slipped on a pair of trunks over my speedo like most of the other guys do (except some who are strangely proud) before making my way over to the stands. Grover clapped my back and Annabeth leaned over the rails to kiss me before complaining that I tasted like chlorine. My mom ruffled my hair while Paul winked at me in pride.

My teammates were excited too and lifted me on their shoulders since we won the meet. They dumped me in the water, of course, but that was hardly a punishment.

I loved college.

[kyunsies]

MADCH MADCH <3

hello fam - I've had a weird day, I'm super happy I can take the time out to reply to you. always thinking of you though, I hope you're always having a great day. today's been a bit of a non day - a family member has to deal with operations and that's on top of me too so i've just felt a bit winded in life?

YES to you finally conquering that damn cold! do you feel properly replenished now? omg i hate sore throats too - okay i hope this doesn't give you nightmares but when i was a kid i saw a documentary about this terrible disease that manifests at its worst a bit like alzhemiers but it can hit anyone of any age and for the majority of people who get it... one of the first symptoms is a sore throat and i have literally lived in terror of sore throats ever since. but luckily it's a very rare disease. so basically, yes, i understand you.

OMG you know when you're like eight and you don't want to sleep and you're like no i will adult and stay up and it will be glorious - i'm like, CHILD YOU FOOL you could have gone to sleep XD and ugh no responsibilities?! i remember working most of the time when i was a kid and i kind of wish i had wreaked havoc? what was your childhood like? did you get to do lots of fun stuff? i know my mum wishes she had been able to spend more time with me when i was a kid and i'd like to have a family and i'd love her to be able to relax and just spend time with her grandkids? OMG well when you come to europe let me know and then i can show you around and give you a hug in person!

so we're mainly cofe here though cahtolic culture is still big and honestly i'm with you. like religion can be a great influence on you if it's not used in nefarious ways and can help you learn so much - like even if there are things you don't end up agreeing with at least you learn about then so you can make a choice for yourself as opposed to not really knowing anything? agree - people that are really boastful totally put me off, i just can't deal with it at all. but you're right, like it makes us so so hard to forgive ourselves for anything right? like, even if we've done nothing wrong and we shouldn't have to punish ourselves? like i swear i'm apologising for everything haha XD once someone pushed me off the tube and i ended up apologising like ON REFLEX? hasjdkahds XD but i really hope you have people around you that keep bigging you up too! if not i will keep bigging you up :D :D so you know that you are worth it.

i'm sorry you're not looking forward to your final year of uni! think you're almost there though - like this is the final stretch and you'll have like conquered everest you know?! and even if your landing at the end of it isn't as perfect the fact you landed at all means so much and that means you can stand up again and keep going! day at a time and moment at a time you know? i kind of had this moment today (hence my wierd day) when i was worry about everything and i literally sat there like - have i made the right choice and done the right thing and surely i've made the wrong choices in my life and do i actually have any talent cause if not people would actually like my stuff and i had to just be like... a moment at a time sometimes you know? like, just bit by bit and don't sweat the stuff you don't have to? idk i find it hard to do but i hope that helps you - like you'll surmount every little thing bit by bit and before you know it you'll have made it! you were born ready you were <3 <3

TINY SQUAD IS GO! the pant dilemma is truly a massive issue, like IDK how to deal OMG OK SO LAMPSHADING is like when you do big baggy like tops and then like leggings or tights or something skinny on the bottom so... you look like a lampshade? like i guess it makes you look cute and then also it's such an easy way to dress without worrying if you look like a kid that's wearing your mum's clothes?? ahsdjakdhsa XD

AHHHH YES BASIL ME TOO!! what scent did you end up buying? i'm sure it was lush - are your parents near you or is it like a massive special occassion to get to see them? YES agree with your take on musk though! like it feels like idk, something a 50 year old with a cigar in a stuffy country club would wear? like, there's no energy to it but not in a chill mellow way either??! like even if i was going to a dinner thing I would still rather not wear something musky? like i'd still rather it be something a bit sweeter? also like some musk perfumes can be SO STRONG? like i'm like - my nose is choking on this perfume XD

YES BLUE MOON SQUAD AAAAA it is literally one of their finest ever, it's always stayed on my top faves list by them. like ugh yes to the lofi stuff sometimes i just wanna VIBE and be in my feels but not so much i'm too angsty but enough that I'm FEELING feels ya know? what did you think of kiss or death? it really wasn't that kind of vibe but yh i hope they do more lofi jazzy stuff - also cause like not a lot of korean groups play with that sound a lot?

hello mädch's mom as always! nerer apologise for being late, always just happy to hear from you and i hope you are super super well and looking after yourself first and foremost! more than anything <3 (also i take ages to reply too ya know and omg this is so so long ahsdjakhdaskjdh)

love you lots and lots and lots xxxxxxxxxxxx

ANGEL ANGEL !!!!!!!! <3 i know i'm really late to this LKDFJS i've had such a busy week getting some overtime in and then visiting my grandparents' house so i didn't really have a lot of energy to reply to all of this BUT IM HERE AND i can finally give u a good response <3

firstly is your family member okay??? i hope so ;____; how was the rest of your week, and how was your weekend angel? i hope u were able to enjoy your weekend and that everything is okay in the family <3

but YEAH my mom and i are over the stupid cold ;_____; i hate colds,,,, they last way too long lol like i say i know the flu is a little more serious than a cold but i would rather have it for a day or 2 than being stuck feeling lousy for a whole week :( ALSO SLDKFSJDFKLJ OH GOD SEE we are both hypochondriacs ( that's not the best trait to have as a nursing major lol ) but tbh i'm really curious about this rare disease ????? :o sounds really scary tho goodness gracious i wonder what it could be ;____;

also god i was always awful at staying up late as a kid LOL but i know what u mean !!!!!! honestly there was only one time i can recall i had a sleepover with my friend in like the 3rd grade and we tried pulling an all nighter so i think we made it to like 5am but i had to go to bed omg i felt like such garbage LKDSFJ </3 it's just funny bc like as u get older u realize that staying up late is really nothing special and if anything u feel like a train hit you the next morning and adults are so sleep deprived as it is we just *try* to prioritize sleep SLDKFJSDKLJF :') you worked a lot as a child bub?? what kind of things did you do? i didn't start working until i was 15 bc most places here don't allow u to work until this age (unless you're in a family business i guess lol) but all the jobs i had in high school i hated so much ;_____; but my childhood? i would say it was relatively normal LOL like we say all the time i've had a single mom so life was really stressful for her but i always felt loved <3 i always had my mom <3 and we took trips to the beach with my family every year, it was our little tradition !! i went to san diego to visit disney, you know little trips here and there !! and then when i got into my sport and i started getting older my mom and i spent a lot of time and money investing into my sport so most of my weekends consisted of a lot of tournaments and driving far away for me to compete :') i do remember when i was really young like in kindergarten my mom's work was really far away from my school and we had a recital ; i was the "host" where i would introduce all of the songs and stuff and my mom didn't get off of work until like 6 and by the time she made to my recital, it was over :( she told me she cried a lot that night :( i don't remember her doing this (i don't even remember the recital all that much lol) but now that i'm older and i understand more about adulting, i'm sure she was so devastated thinking about it now :( anyways about visiting europe LOL I WILL DEF GIVE U A CALL AND LET U KNOW SO U CAN SHOW ME ALL OF THE COOL PLACES <333333

and about the religion ....... yes ;____; i think it's a great thing if a family decide that they want to do this when they're families; i hope to continue to practice it (even tho we aren't regularly going to church at all hhhh gotta work on that) but there is something about catholic guilt specifically that just makes it soooo hard to like, be easy on yourself? but ,,,,,, i guess it keeps me grounded :( in a self depreciating way ??? LDSKFJ I KNOW U UNDERSTAND ... it's weird for me to put into words ;____; and YEAH :( i think i'm getting a little better at this but i used to apologize all the time for things i never needed to be sorry for hhhh (still do) :')

and yes babe honestly i'm really terrified to start uni :( i think i have this weird anxiety issue i've had it ever since last year but i don't know why i'm so scared and anxious about things that haven't even happened yet ;____; are u like this too? is it normal? i wish i knew :( i guess i won't really feel better until i have made it to graduation, but i just want to do well this year. whatever i do, whether it's exams, or clinical rotation or my preceptorship, i just want to do well ;____; i don't want to do poorly, i want to make my mom proud and i want to work at a place i'll be excited to work at, and most of all i just want everything to work out ,,,, i wish someone could just sit me down and say listen i know what you're going thru is hard but you CAN get thru this and EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS bc no one in my family is in the health sciences (besides my cousin who is studying to be a doctor but she doesn't give a shit about what i do lol) so ;_____; yeah ,,,,,,,,,,, lots of anxiety and apprehension of the unknown :(

LSDKFJSD FOKAY NOW I KNOW WHAT LAMPSHADING IS LMAOOOOOOOOOOO yes i wear those clothes on lazy days LOL the thing is i'm really picky about the length of my oversized crewneck sweaters hhhh the can't be too long bc if it goes below my butt i look like i'm wearing rags LOL so i have to be careful :') but most days i do like, reverse lamp shading lDLKFJSDLKFJ i like wearing flowy pants with a more tight top or like baggy jeans with a tighter shirt or a blouse i can tuck into my jeans LOL but omg its so funny i didn't know what that was :') thank u for the explanation my love <3

OKAY BUT HALF THE REASON I DIDN'T RESPOND IS THAT i was saving this weekend to go to the jo malone store in my mall and !!! I GOT A NEW SCENT AND I'M IN LOVE WITH IT SO MUCH BABE ;____; you have to go smell it if you go there soon and tell me what u think !!!!!! it's called wild bluebell (here is the scent description lol) but the guy behind the counter helping me was soooo amazing and helpful like they really do treat u the best at the store and AH i’m so happy with my purchase <3 my wallet isn’t so much LDSKFJ but nonetheless i know i’ll have it for a long time :)

KISS OR DEATH !!!!! i actually really enjoyed it lol i have seen some ppl not really like the rapping so much but i loved it ;____; i’m super biased obviously LOL but gosh i thought they were all great and minhyuk + hyungwon killed the song for me <333 wouldn’t expect anything less from our monstas !!!!! and my mom is sending her love lol i tell her the work u do and she’s always wondering how ur doing :(((( same for my moots she always asks me about 2 in particular LOL she’s always asking me <3 i love u so much bubbie !!!! iM SO SORRY FOR BEING LATE MY LOVE again i always just want to give u a quality response <3 i love u the absolute most and i hope u had a great weekend !!!!!!! this is my last week at work before i have a week long break before i head for uni so :’) can’t believe i’ve done all this LOL :’) i will be happy to hear from u whenever u come back hun !!!!! TAKE CARE LOVE U <3 

[mollymauk-teafleak]

(Prompt) ‘’I thought I’d never see you again” hug for Alex and 'Liza because I've been rereading your fic and I'm traaaash for it and you hi

Aw thanks so much! Hope you like it

Eliza didn’t understand. How could she feel so lonely when, technically, she never was alone anymore? How could she feel so limp and lifeless inside when she only had to press a shaky, almost apologetic hand to her swollen stomach to feel the little pulse of life echoing away in there, some dark, faraway place she couldn’t see that didn’t really feel like her own body? How could she feel so black and white when she was surrounded by the tastefully chosen, sunshiny pallets of her parent’s mansion? How could she feel so depressingly two dimensional when she was anything but, so three dimensional it made her back ache and her head dizzy and confided her to the living room chaise lounge like a magnet dragging her no matter how hard she dug her heels in.   

That was where she was when Angelica found her; home for the summer just before starting her new job up in Chicago officially but, in all honesty, her purpose was to help her sister through this.

It wasn’t spoken of, Catherine and Philip dealt with too much outside these walls to risk talk of the war, of politics, of Eliza’s situation (Catherine’s choice of words felt poor and harsh, grating even, but there was little else on offer) leeching into the picturesque, wholesome family unit they’d worked so hard and come through so much to cultivate. So, through sheer force of will, Philip achieved something few generals and senators managed and left his work at the front door. Catherine limited talk of her own job to the bare, inoffensive bones of who in her office was particularly getting on her nerves this week, not the flood of humanitarian crisis cases they were being flooded with as the war received what they all silently and expressionlessly prayed was its death blow. Peggy kept the demonstrations and marches and protests she went to secret from all but her sisters, though of course her parents weren’t entirely ignorant of her activism, maybe even a little proud. Angelica talked only of school, of her husband and the hilarious and just about unbelievable anecdotes he shared with her, of the lively, thrumming, illuminated cities she visited with him while trying not to make it sound like she was preparing to jump ship if the country broke into pieces, which seemed likely in the darkest moments, in the sleepless nights and held breaths. Quite the opposite, in the complex worlds of numbers and legalese she navigated effortlessly she was almost as much of a general as her father was.

Eliza…Eliza just pretended everything was fine.

Angelica could read it plain on her sister’s face as she quietly walked up to her, not wanting to startle or surprise her, put her on edge. She could see it in the slackness, the absence, the shadow that fell over Eliza’s heart shaped face now that she thought she was alone. Now she thought she didn’t have to put on a mask of happiness, of excitement, of the dutiful wife waiting for her husband to return from war like something from an ill thought out romance novel. When she didn’t treat her old personality as a costume to try and convince her family, without much success, that she was okay.

She could see from here Eliza was wearing a soft, dark green, long sleeved Columbia sweatshirt. Angelica knew for a fact that her sister never chose that colour for herself, she liked bright, pastel colours. The sky-blue sweatshirt that belonged to her, identical in design if not in colour, was in the pile of ironing to be done.

Which meant that shirt belonged to Alex.

It made sense. It explained why Eliza was insisting on wearing it, despite the fact that it needed washing, there was ink staining the cuffs and a smudge of white dust, maybe flour, between the shoulder blades and it just had a vaguely rumpled, unwashed look about it. Not only that, but at eight months pregnant, it didn’t even come close to fitting Eliza any more. It had to stay rucked up just under her chest, letting her stomach curve out exposed, showing the tightness of the skin there, the odd faded charcoal line that bisected the globe of it like a hemisphere line, the stretch marks that cut harsh lines up from her hips, their origins hidden by the sweatpants she wore carelessly, as if with a shrug.

Their mother had bought Eliza a heaving wardrobe of maternity clothes, pretty, flowing dresses to make her look like some glowing fertility goddess of summer, elegant and soft kaftans, calmingly coloured tunics, washed denim dungarees to make her look like a young woman glowing and proud with her sleeves rolled up and ready to face motherhood with poise and vegetable smoothies.

Eliza hadn’t touched any of it. She just wore that old sweatshirt and whatever pants she didn’t have to bend down to retrieve and Angelica knew why. If she wore one of those items with the tags still on them, even if she gave that shirt the wash it desperately needed, it wouldn’t smell like Alex any more. Wearing that thing must be the closest Eliza could get to hugging her husband these days.

“Hey, beautiful girl,” Angelica smiled gently, trying not to show how her heart was breaking open with sympathy for her sister, coming and perching on the end of the sofa Eliza had favoured since she was a tiny girl. Maybe it was its soft blue tones, maybe the pattern of soaring birds. It just seemed to be a favourite and had always been thought of as Liza’s Seat.

Watching her scramble for her façade of placid, expectant mother bliss, even with her big sister, her closest supporter, that almost dissolved Angelica into tears. She only just managed to keep hold of her smile.

“Hey, Ange,” Eliza murmured.

That was it, none of Eliza’s usual chattiness, her expected inquiries as to what her sister was doing, what she had done, what she was going to do, the natural curiosity and hunger for friendly information that made every single person she met feel so listened to and truly appreciated.

The act was slipping.

Angelica floundered for what to say next. It wasn’t worth asking what she was watching; the television was showing some asinine sludge common in the early afternoon that couldn’t possibly be holding Eliza’s attention, clearly she just had it on to hear some kind of noise. Elsewise, the silence would have been horrific.

No sense in asking if she needed fetching or carrying for her. The glass of water she’d brought her just an hour ago had only risen as the ice cubes had melted, undrunk, not even toyed with. And besides, she suspected her sister was sick to death of relatives asking how she was feeling when anyone who knew Eliza well could see it really, really obviously. And it terrified the life out of them.

Asking what she was reading was just as much of a dead end. A Margret Atwood novel, the kind Eliza had been devouring since high school, lay on the coffee table but it was part of the performance, as perfunctory as the smile on her sister’s face. Angelica knew what she was reading, what she was always reading until the corners of the pages crinkled and surely, she must have known every word by heart. Alex’s letters, few but each one running into as many as six pages of his hasty, harried scrawl. They were in her hands right now, clutched to her heart protectively as if she feared they’d be taken from her.

The way she wanted to cling to Alex himself, Angelica had no doubt.

She knew her brother in law, she’d seen his summons back to the front line coming a mile away. He’d made enough of a name for himself by this point that it had been clear to anyone who saw the whole picture that Alex needed to be there for this thing to finish. Checkmate couldn’t be called until all the pieces were in place and Alex’s place was beside General Washington.

Eliza had known it to, she was every bit as smart as her sister, as her husband, as her father. Of course, she’d seen it but she’d denied it fiercely until the letter came through the door from the war office. And Angelica couldn’t help but fret that she’d done herself more damage, caused herself more pain by not accepting it until she was kissing him goodbye at the train station, not able to stop her face crushing and crumbling into pure sorrow before Alex looked away from her figure at the platform.

Not that she could blame her of course. Angelica had often heard herself, from huddles of relatives and family friends in the corners of parties and in the low chatter before the boardroom meetings she’d been accompanying her mother to since she was eighteen, being called the bravest of the Schuyler sisters. The strongest, the most iron willed.

What bullshit. She couldn’t imagine facing what her sister was facing right now, standing in Eliza’s place. Falling so hard and recklessly for someone, opening her heart to anyone not part of her family for the first time in her life, taking a leap she’d never dared even consider before only to be caught in Alex’s wiry but strong arms. Four years of college, four years of dizzying happiness, a love she didn’t understand yet that she’d confided in Angelica scared the life out of her as much as she adored it. Falling unexpectedly pregnant, doing something as monumental, as earth shaking as creating a whole new life and all while hers and Alex’s backs had been turned. Being married with a sense of urgency instilled by her family. Getting, what, two days of happiness and then having the man she loved pulled away and sent to face a vastly superior, much better equipped army across some scarred battlefield on the other side of the country too top secret, too shrouded in political mystery for her to even call him. To even hear his voice.

To have to wait with their child growing stronger every day inside her, nature’s deadline for the happy, safe, secure life he’d no doubt promised her to begin looming, the gut wrenching terror of bringing something so fragile, so precious into a world in turmoil, a world where there was the chance she’d have to look them in the eyes and tell them they’d never know their brave soldier of a father. To see Alex’s eyes and the crooked tilt of his smile and the deep fire in his heart in the face of a stranger and know she’d never see the originals again, only the copy.

And still she managed to dredge up a smile every single day.

Whoever thought her sister was weak, Angelica thought fiercely, didn’t know the meaning of the damn word.

“You look tired,” were the words she eventually breathed, her eyes sad, wretched, wanting so badly to take her sister’s pain away while knowing with bitter certainty that she couldn’t give her what she needed, “Didn’t sleep well?”

Eliza gave a small sigh, her hand coming to skate over the rise of her belly, “Not really. The little one was kicking like crazy, I was kind of hot and…”

Her voice trailed away but Angelica didn’t need to hear the finish to know.

Nightmares. Eliza had never slept well alone, it had broken her eight-year-old heart to be told that she couldn’t share a bed with her sisters any more, she was old enough now to need her own room, her own space. Angelica had seen and be unsurprised by how she slept with Alex, winding herself around him completely, like he was her anchor, the only thing keeping her tethered to reality. And now alone, she must see her love die a thousand different ways every time she shut her eyes.

Angelica decided she would invite Eliza to share her bed that night as she winced internally at the bruise like shadows under her sister’s eyes.

The invitation was on the tip of her tongue, her jaw slack to make the words, when their father walked in.

“Girls…” his voice was the toneless, almost echoing sound of someone utterly stunned.

Angelica was the first to see the pale blue envelope in his hands, held so loosely it was in danger of fluttering to the floor. Seeing it in her minds’ eye, she was reminded of a barren, bone like tree losing its last leaf. Of finality. Of a process that couldn’t be reversed.

Blue envelopes meant news from the front, intel from General Washington. News of Alexander.

“Papa…” Angelica’s tone was an inch away from begging, a centimetre away from warning, as if her father really did have the power to stop whatever was coming, if it was what she suspected.

Eliza shifted, immediately sensing Angelica’s panic and her father’s shock, moving more than she had in hours, somehow forgetting the island of her stomach. She span and gave a small, breathless sob as she saw the letter in Philip’s hands. She knew what it meant, of course she did. She knew what it could mean.

“What is it?” she demanded, her voice thin and brittle with panic, the baby inside her roiling and writhing, infected by their mother’s panic, “Is it about Alex?”

Philip opened his mouth to attempt to soothe his daughter but it withered on his tongue as he realised there’d be no point. He just nodded, blinking distractedly.

No, no. No please…

“Word just came this morning…”

Please, God no. I can’t…

Eliza didn’t let herself believe it was true until she was standing there, the first time she’d left the house in days, pulling an old coat of her father’s she’d swiped as she’d ran out, closer in an attempt to keep out the wind. She’d been so close to not coming at all, picking up her keys and dropping them again like the metal was hot in the same minute, slipping her shoes on in the kitchen and then kicking them off again before she even crossed the hall, feeling sick with horror every time an episode of the cartoon she was watching ended because she no longer had the excuse of seeing the end to keep her rooted it the couch but just as aghast when the next one began and brought with it another ten minutes to wait and waste. All morning she drifted, caught in some horrible net, her head spinning, running one way and then the other, so uncertain it made her knees weak.

The baby inside her eventually decided to object, prodding Eliza towards a decision with a gentle but insistent nudge against her skin five minutes away from the deadline, like an old friend reaching out to take her hand across a coffee table when a casual meet up in between trains shifted into a pivot point.

Eliza had just been so terrified, the idea of going down there, driving the six minutes to the tiny train platform that served their secluded corner of the Albany hillside, of waiting, of daring to hope petrified her.  Because if there was even the slightest chance that the train from the city would pull in, that the people would stream out and as she desperately scanned the faces, his wouldn’t be there, was unbearable.

But she managed to seize on that one moment of bravery given to her by the life inside her and here she was, cold but not feeling it, not feeling anything beyond the raw, painful hopefulness in her chest. Her palms rested on the curve in her stomach, comforting and seeking comfort in the same action.

Really should have worn more than this coat she thought absently, it was the dead of winter and all she had was Alex’s sweatshirt and Papa’s gardening coat so worn the canvas was shiny and so big on her she had lost her own hands. And she was still wearing her slippers.

“I might be a bit of an idiot, baby,” she murmured, stroking her bump, “Your mama might be an idiot.”

She was really getting to like talking aloud and knowing someone was listening. It was comforting-

There he was.

There was a long, long moment between the two of them where all they could do was look at each other. It was too much to do anything else, if either of them moved they’d risk shattering into a million pieces, like playing catch with a diamond. A moment long enough for both of them to think the exact same thing in the exact same instant, in perfect beat with each other though they’d never know it.

He looks so young. She looks so young.

He looks so exhausted. She looks so exhausted.

It’s been too long.

The moment ended when Alex burst into tears, his hand covering his mouth, his dark eyes spilling over. Then he was running, Eliza couldn’t run but she stretched her arms out as far as they would physically go to pull him into her arms without wasting a second. As his arms slid around her, holding her close, his tears dampening the shoulder of her coat, his familiar ink and paper and oak wood scent enveloping her as she burrowed her face into his shoulder, Eliza wondered how she’d ever let him go. Her Alex, her beautiful, wonderful husband.

He was just babbling her name like it was a prayer, song, his hands like restless birds flying from the small of her back to her hips to her shoulders to her arms like he was frantically checking all of her was still there in front of him. He only stopped when her lips found his and then there was nothing but the pulsing of their heartbeats in their ears and the familiar and much missed taste of each other’s mouths.

They only broke away when the need for oxygen became incessant and even then, her hands stayed cupping his face, not missing how his cheeks had hollowed out far past her liking, his forehead rested on hers and saw the worry lines there that he prayed weren’t caused by his absence and at the same time knew they were.

“I…I never thought I’d see you again,” Eliza only realised then that she was shaking with sobs, “B-but you came back, you came home to m-me…”

“Of course I did,” Alex wept breathlessly, shaking “I promised. I’d never leave you, Betsey, I’d move mountains to get back to you, like one Colonial army was going to stop me keeping my promise to you and…”

He pulled back, his eyes travelling down her body, jaw slackening as he somehow only just remembered that he was being reunited with two people at once.

“Oh…oh holy fuck, Eliza,” he whimpered before immediately flushing red, clamping his teeth together, “I mean…flip. Fudge. Sorry.”

Eliza had to giggle, reaching out and stroking the hair out of his eyes, “They’ve been doing a lot of growing.”

“I mean, Jesus, you must be ready to pop, right?” Alex blinked in wonder, still entranced by her bump, “How close did I cut it?”

It settled on them then, the scars their time apart had left. Neither of them were the same person that had stood on this platform months before. Alex seemed to grow sicker in front of Eliza’s eyes as she noticed more of him, the way his frame seemed so delicate under the dark, unfamiliar jeans and sweater he was wearing hesitantly like he had forgotten how to wear civilian clothes, the way his shaking hadn’t stopped, the bruise like shadows under his eyes. Alex was noticing the fear that had taken up residence behind his wife’s pupils in the last weeks, the juxtaposition between how young she looked and how close to motherhood she obviously was.

But now wasn’t the time and again, it was their nameless little one who made the decision. As if they wanted to say their own hello, make their own contribution to the reunion, nudging against Alex’s palm gently.

His jaw dropped to the frosted concrete, his eyes widening.

“Oh…” he croaked, the tears making a reappearance as he sank down onto his knees, “Hello. Mi bébé, I’m so sorry, I missed you so much but Papi’s here now and I’m not going anywhere I promise…”

As the choking tears stole his words and he dissolved into just murmuring, his shoulders shaking, Eliza stroked his hair, soothing him, staying by him, never intending to move an inch away from him until she was dragged away. And in the hours after, when Alex realised in horror how cold she was and insisted on giving her his sweater and driving her home, in the nights after where they’d make up for lost time refusing to leave their bed, in the days after it took Alex to fight off the infection he’d picked up in his breakneck rush across the country back into Eliza’s arms, she would look down at her stomach and smile knowingly like she and the baby were sharing a private moment. A realisation between the two of them that everything was going to be okay.

That Eliza was never going to be alone again.

[mem-en-to]

I just have to post this somewhere. If you do read it please don't reply or anything to alert me that you do. I just have to assure myself of my existence. If you do I might just can't stand it.

It's getting worse

I don't know if this will be a one time thing or what

It might be the stress of starting the second week of university

or that I fucked up the dorm's microwave 3 days ago and still feel guilty and stress (since then I've been making so many mistake I drop the alcohol bottle(broke it), drop a glass of water(luckily it's a plastic glass), spilled the milk on the desk, spilled the smoothie next to the fridge, dropped the clean towel on the balcony(result in having to wash it), tripped and drop some clean cottonbuds(such a waste!), tripped on the way to the bathroom at 2 am and woke the neighbors up on a schoolday)

or even home sick from being away for a week now

or because I was staying inside after graduated and then the covid situation that make me(I chose)stay inside the house for more than 3 months straight(well, I did go outside like once every other week or sth, but I would always go with someone, mom or dad)

I've been dreading going outside since yesterday

I estimated how many food I have left and feel bad(no not bad as in guilty) about having to go out and buy more

I even considered skip some meals and ration what I have left so I could put away going out for even just 1 more day

And I did, I skip breakfast and ration the food

I ate a bit less so I could scrap all the left over for just one more meal

The thought of going outside turned my stomach and I feel tight in my chest

it made me feel.. disgust and a bit of fear? มวนท้อง แหยงๆ อึดอัดตรงหน้าอก

I'm not sure how to describe it how or why

I don't think its talking to people that make me feel this way

I think its just go outside in general? being seen maybe?

I normally would dread going outside for a bit but have no problem in doing it

I would just need some times to come to realisation that I have to(or about to)go outside

Like, if mom just ask me inthe morning if I want to go out this afternoon. My answer is NO. There's no bargaining, except if it is ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT.

But If she asked me, do you want to come with me tmr? That'll be fine, I might say yes(but I say no more often)

I would have a kind of panic-y thougt and feeling a bit scared before actually going out, like while I was preparing(dress, grab things stuff like that) that is normal

Today it took me almost half an hour after I'm ready to gather courage and actually step out of my room

In that 30 minutes I kept checking again and again of what I have to buy and did I have my all things?(phone checked. wallet checked. mask checked. etc) What about my clothes?(check the mirror) Did I brushed my hair?(proceed to brush it the 4th time)

All the while I also pacing and kept on checking the window for the restaurant near mydorm

It's to see if there're many customers, if there are I would wait a bit more because I don't want to stand around waiting and making awkward glance, an awkward conversation would be better come to think of it.

There. It's not the talking that I'm scared of.

After I got outside I would feel.. tense? anxious? or maybe paranoid or something of that nature I'm not sure

But the feeling would go away soon, often around the time I reach my destination or when I'm doing my task(like choosing btw different brand of groceries or the like)

It's still good, this time

The feeling went away as I was walking around the shop but come back as soon as I got in line, paid and walking out of the shop, which is fine that's also normal

I also have to stop at the restaurant on the next block, I decided to eat there and have a take away for dinner

I chose to eat there because that would mean less plastic you know? doing what I can to help with global warming

Even though the thought of sitting there was a bit.. sick It was fine while I was eating

Because I was doing my task(things)?

But the moment I turned away with a bag of food and my groceries in hand the feeling started to crawl up my spine and tried to curl up in my stomach again

But It's okay I didn't let it

My dorm was right there I could see it

Only a bit further and I'll be safe inside my dorm

But Nooooo

The feeling cling to me

I push it down and didn't let it settle in

My heart was still thudding in my chest even after I got inside my room

I put my things away. stored the food. changed clothes while checking if I breathed normally or not(I did, breated normally I mean or at least I think I did, despite what most people think some of us do research about thingss like this even if or when we haven't been diagnosed as having something plus I did hyperventilated/had panic attacked before or, I think it was)

But after that my heart still wouldn't return to normal and my head is a bit light and spinny still(At first I thought it was the 3 flight of stairs I have to climb but it should have gone by now, I know, not an athletic person)

That was when I realise that there something different, something wrong this time

The nagging feeling I have had since I walked outside is this

I'm more worried and scared this time

There is something wrong

I don't know what to do so I typed this down

Normally It would help make me feel better

And It did, my heart stop beating fast and weird halfway through this

Like my other notes I didn't care much about the grammar or whatever, after all the purpose is to make myself feel better

All right a bit more on this notes

After I finished this I wnt and google 'scared of going outside'

I don't think it agoraphobia or sad that I have although I do have some of the symptomps. I mean I might have one of it but from what I read I don't exactly match with some of both, I'm not scared of crowd(sad) in fact being in crowds make me feel better, the more people the better cuz that mean the less would be looking at me

And I'm not scared of open space(agora) I'm okay with parking lots and I'm not scared of being left alone(agora)

Being with some one I trust would definitely help(contradict with sad but agree with agora)

I'm not scared of public place(sad), Library is one of my sanctuary once I settled in on the new one that's it, Everyone is minding their own business, I could tuck myself btw some old textbook shelves no one would come search and read in silent, peace. Or I could go to the working space, sit on the sofa or choose one of the table and no one would care even if I have 3 thick books with me and sit there for 3 hours straight. I could even strike up some friendly and relatively non-awkward conversation with the librarian on the counter when I checked out some books, there, social requirement of the day complete. Those days that I could do this is so peaceful, I was happy.

Sadly, I had gone to Uni library only once and checked out a book, I still feel a bit uncomfortable to go there, but the feeling of contenment when I get inside would be worth it. Just. Not today. Or tmr, we got a day off for mother day and I might go home with my siblings and come back to next week on Monday or sth. (We have classes online bc of covid)

And after the mini research I feel a dizzy spell hit me

It left me reeling for a few mins before I returned normal

It could be because i stand up too fast or it could be the information in my head that's there something wrong

I don't want to have it, sad, agora or whatever

My self confident/self esttem is shit enough

I can't satnd it if i know there sth more wrong with me

I can't be more of a burden to my parents

I want to make them proud I have to

I choose this path and I know they don't hate it, they even support me on choosing to study art instead of the cliche doctor or engineer(which I hate but is my dad's life I feel so fucking bad I should have like it, I should be better at it and follow his footsteps, but I already made my choice, sometimes I regret it but even if I could go back I wouldn't change it, I can't At least I probably could be a teacher like him, teach younger people, support them I love him, and I hate him I love that he isn't just a good father, he's a good person, a good friend, a good teacher, a good brother, a good son, he's so great I don't deserved him, not me, not my mom, not my brother, not his parents, not his siblings, not that univerity And I hate him, he's always at work when I was younger, came home at 8or9 almost everyday but I also love him because despite that he still tried to make some time for us I hate him because when he started to have less works and came home earlier it's when me and my brother are growing up wanting to stay out and spend time with our friends(I hate myself) I hate him because he's so great, has been since he's young, he's so intelligent and diligent he studied hard and he got scholarship in uni to US And that was 40 years ago how impressive is that? And after he came back with straight A every uni want him but he choose that Uni because they supported him when he needed it and he chose to stay instead of go to better uni purely bacause he's a good person he feels grateful and want to repay the uni, which has shit government I hate it I hate them, there's a few years he's so stress because he has to go to the court several times on several cases and could go to jail because of those peice of shits I fucking hate them If he choose to change uni our lifes would be different I wouldn't grow up there, I wouldn't have friends that I have, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I can't blame him for choosing this. I hate him because no matter what or how much I tried I couldn't achieve half of what he has done and still doing(I hate myself I'm a disappointment) I could have gotten A or at least B+ if I studied more on math, science and sociology, but I didn't. I could have beautiful skin and thin figure if I take care of myself more, exercise more, but I didn't. I could have spend less money on books and those trinkets and save a lot of money, but I didn't, I could have make more friends and get in with the better connection and reputation clique if I conceal some part of myself and pretend a bit more, but I didn't. I could have better resume if I'm brave enough to participate in those tournament and those candidates for manythings, but I didn't. I could have been a better person, a better friend, a better student, a better daughter, but I wasn't[I couldn't be] I hate myself I don't matter I'm a disappointment)

I fucking hate crying, It never help with anything except wasting evenmore time and make my head hurt make my throat hurt of how I hold my noise in and make my eyes hurt and everything's blurry and wet.

I just broke down and typed those long ass paragraph with tears for an hour straigh. such a waste of time I should have done some exercise instead. And now I feel like shit. I know I could still do it but I also know that I won't. I would save this note, re-read it again and again maybe add sth along the way and when it's getting late I would jusst take a shower and goto bed.

At least I've lost my appetite, no dinner mean less calories I take today, skipped breakfast AND dinner? At least that compensate for today exercise(maybe) But I also know that garigarikun in the freeze will disappear into my stomach before bed. I'm such a little shit. I'm ashame of myself.

you know what I could waste a bit more time. Typing this some how remind me of the time I have an argument with my parents in highschool(or was it middle school? the memory's fuzzy)and I had panic attack or at least hyperveintilated afterward. I can't remember exactly what started the argument but I remembered that that day I was having a bad day(worse than normal) the bullying that day was worse I don't know how I acted I just remembered yelling at my father who's stress from long day at work and the court problem, we were yelling(or at least I am) and I did what I usually do. I ran, to the bedroom. I don't(never)want to have a fight with my family. He didn't follow me this time. My mom did. She came talk to me, half soothing half scolding. Saying I shouldn't have yell, I was hurting him by behave like this and after he's tired from work too. She's basically tried to make amend. But in my head at the time she was calling out on my bullshit. Saying I'm being unreasonable. I know that some of what she said is true and I don't want to fight so I tried talking, I said something like you don't understand me, And I tried using some difficult words and lines that could be seen in dramas and such to make her understand. I poured my heart out I even consider revealing the real extent of the bullying. But you know what she said? She said I read too many fictions and watch too many movies and I'm being too emotional I should stop this nonsense right now. I still could recall the feeling when she finished and it get in my head. It's not the ice bucket being pour over me. It's not the fire of rage running through my viens. It's not an arrow straight through my heart, a stab at the chest, or a feeling crawl up myspine. It's blank. blank. blank. blank, blank,blank,blank,blank,blakn,blank,blank, I feel so, so empty. It's just how I used my words, how I tried to make her understand. And this is what I got? I remembered stop talking and stuffed my face on a pillow. She's speaking a few more things but I didn't listen. I couldn't. I was breathing so hard but I think she think i was crying so she patted my back and left. I was old enough to know that's something's wrong I wasn't breating normally even for someone who's crying but at the time I still didn't know what panic attack/hyperveintilated is. I just know there's sth wrong, but I ignore it, I was hurt. I was in pain my chest is so tight(at the time I thought it's because of the pain I was feeling later I learned that it's the combination of that and the pa/h I was having) My thought kept circling around the words she said, I'm being dramatic and such. At least after that I don't want to argue anymore. I came back to myself and got out of the room, more than half an hour later. (Times didn't only flies when you're having a good time huh?, I remembered thinking that)

I think the being emotional/dramatic bit really got me. I can't help it. it's how I'm expressing myself. So what if it looking I was writing some fiction/ fake the words to make it mmore dramatic? That's how I feel.

A breakdown and an empty moment recalling in a day? that's a new record. Normally It would be one at a time and not this soon after one another. Guess I'm really stressed out. I even consider calling some emergencies depression lines but after reading some review saying it's shit I decided not to. I would be in the way of those who really do need it(I'm such a failure) and I'm not good at talking anyways, just look at how tragic it turned out to be each time I do.