#Everything seems to be in vain. I don't trust anyone you see. And I don't trust thusly that anything will get better

[vio1315]

It is not in vain x50

[fishnapple]

Things you can do to be more confident in yourself.

It's a full moon tonight, our confidence can also wax and wane like the moon. So let it also be full tonight. This reading will assist you in understanding how to build a relationship with yourself based on trust and compassion.

This is a general reading meant for multiple people. Take only what resonates and leave out the rest.

Your feedback is much appreciated. If you find the reading resonated with you, leave a comment, I’d love to know 🎐

About me | Masterpost

Book a reading with me - KO-FI (→ personal reading)

1. Clear quartz

There's something that you should accept. That is, we can never hide from people's eyes and their judgement. Putting ourselves out there for others to see is a brave act. It can sometimes feel like being put under the mercy of others. But daring to show the love we have for ourselves is even a braver act.

Starting from the inside, the root, the part that you feel the most childish and vulnerable inside you, hold it gently and protect it, do little things that make it comfortable and feel loved. Like decorating the place you're living in. Surround your home with beauty and comfort, especially the place where you sleep. A soft pillow for tired and hardened thoughts to rest on.

If you have a desire to be recognised and applauded for your achievement and your individuality. Don't ever feel shame for desiring those. Some people will call that vain, but even the feat of living and existing is worth recognising and celebrating. Be honest with your desires and put in the effort to achieve them. As long as those desires don't harm anyone, there is no reason to deny and feel shame about those.

You seem to have a very creative energy, but that creativity is stifled by the focus on security and practicality. Before you create something, you may consider will this bring you any material merit, will it make a profit, will it have a practical use in your life. In doing so, your creative flow can't flow freely. Who knows, maybe the thing you created might not have a practical use or bring you any material gain, but through the act of creating, you can connect more with your deeper self and discover your inner wealth, not everything has to have a solid, physical and logical meaning, emotional and spiritual meaning are just as important. And by doing that, more opportunities for your growth will be presented to you. So the next time you find yourself wanting to do something that you think or other people think is silly and a waste of time, give yourself a chance to experience first, you can always judge it later.

2. Citrine

I sense that some of you in this group feel stifled in your expression of love and desire. There are pressure and expectations coming in from society and your peers about what is right, what should be done concerning love, relationships and sexuality. Being truly you could mean going against a certain society's standards and expectations. There could be a struggle of whether to conform or to rebel.

Relationships would feel limiting and demanding to you. You would feel like you have to sacrifice your freedom and a part of yourself in order to keep the relationship going smoothly. It's a big compromise.

Every relationship needs compromise but you may not realise that in some communities, some people demand more of that compromise than the others simply because your values are not matching with each other. Maybe you just haven't found your crowd yet.

Community and friendships play a big part in helping you shape your own world view and your sense of self. So you should consider these questions regarding the people you're surrounding or will surround yourself with.

Do they bring a sense of comfort to you?

Do you feel nurtured by them?

Do you have the desire to nurture and comfort them?

What can you learn from each other?

Do you feel joy when talking with each other?

Do you truly want each other to move forward?

Can you imagine them being in your life in your future and vice versa, you in theirs?

If you can answer these kinds of questions with a positive answer then naturally the pressure will feel less pressuring, the demands will feel less demanding. Instead acceptance and freedom will be more present.

Another thing that can help you build more trust and confidence in yourself is learning. Learning more about life and yourself. Maybe the stifling and suffocating feeling, the anxiety, comes from the lack of space in your inner self. If our space is small, it's just a matter of time before the place is cramped, everything is pressed against each other. Learning helps expand your capacity to hold enough space for each experience and thought, feeling and a little spare space to reach out to the future.

3. Rose quartz

Usually, when I see a specific formation or combination of crystals together, I interpret them as a message to expand your life, go out into the world, be brave, express yourself, etc. When I first saw your group's layout, I also interpreted it like that. But on a closer look, the message was the opposite.

Sometimes we don't have to do any grand gestures or make some big changes, achieve something significant to feel more confident in ourselves. It's the small actions in our everyday life, those little wishes and small joys, the peaceful feeling when we're home that can ground us the most.

With this group, the messages for you would be to leave out those big dreams, those spinning thoughts and those faraway ideals for a moment, and just focus on the mundane, daily life in front of you.

If you have the tendency to stay in your head for too long or to imagine and dream about the what-ifs, then there's something you can do to ground yourself more, to anchor yourself.

There's an emphasis on the small acts, careful and slow, little by little. 

Organising and doing something repetitive can actually help you to build a more concrete result. If you want to do something new or something that you're not sure of your capability. Start practicing in small steps and routinely. If you have a vision and that vision may look too faraway, be in a myopic mode, look at what's in front of you and what you can do with them first, but not forgetting the vision of course, just let them take the back seat for a while.Break down steps that you find too big to leap. In the process, you will find that many things are doable right away and that can help you feel more confident in yourself.

You don't have to show yourself in the process. Being visible to other people can be considered brave and confident, but sometimes it can be a careless act onto ourselves. We open ourselves to the judgment and influences of other people while not fully aware that some part of ours just prefers to stay hidden, in a quiet, peaceful place to do its own things. Like a production chain, having people visiting can have a positive effect of gaining encouragement and understanding, but too many people and too often can obstruct the production, unknowingly bringing in hidden trouble factors. A place like that should best be left to the operators and the professionals that know it best, and they are you.

4. Flourite

I believe that there are some messages that are meant to be delivered to people, by you. Something that you can do for other people. In a way, doing things for other people, helping them can actually help you ground yourself more.

Maybe you have reached a certain degree of being comfortable with yourself, knowing how to take care of yourself. But I sense a protective feeling, like self-protection, but a little too much, sometimes to the point of building a wall surrounding yourself. That could make it hard to open yourself up and be more vulnerable when dealing with others. You have your peace, you don't want other people or outside factors to come in and disturb it. But this could create isolation and the feeling of being apart from everyone else.

The inside has been well taken care of, maybe it's time to step outside and help others too. To nurture your relationships with the same love that you have for yourself. To share your experiences and knowledge. You could be a strong pillar for others to look up to. Even when you think your foundation is shaking. What you can do is to look forward, there's always something that you can share and bring into this world and one way or another, it will help somebody, even without your awareness.

I think some people could find you a little intimidating or hard to get close to. But with closer interaction, they can learn a lot from you.

There could be some anger or unspoken thoughts hidden inside you that are fighting to be out. They can create hurtful words that are hurled at other people and yourself.

Being able to face those calmly and channelling them through a healthy route, like writing in a journal, for example, will bring you more awareness and resilience, in turn, helping you to be more sure and stable in yourself. 

[neerons]

Some of Chevalier Michel’s best quotes

“You have plenty of time. Therefore, it’s not necessary to overload yourself to the point of harming your health just for the sake of learning. I’m not in a hurry. I’ll wait patiently for you to reach your full potential.”

“I don’t mind making you my woman.”

“If you value your life, trust no one.”

“Allowing their deaths to be in vain would be an affront to those who utterly devoted themselves to the kingdom.” (—Chevalier talking about the dead soldiers to Emma)

“That’s how values work. Just because two ways of thinking are incompatible doesn’t mean one is right and the other is wrong.”

“If you ever feel like crying, tell me. I’ll torment you so thoroughly that you’ll forget how to cry.”

“Until I’d met her, I’d never have considered letting another person touch me.” (—Chevalier’s thoughts about Emma)

“Can a man read in peace without you staring at his face?”

“Don't... say another man's name... so much. It grates on my ears.”

“You're quite graceless, you know? Your legs seem to be shaking.”

“You are my queen. It does not matter how many years go by, I have no intention of loving any other woman.”

“If the rabbit has time to spend with you, she'll spend it with me instead.” (—Chevalier talking about Emma to Clavis)

“I had no intention of letting anyone complain about a commoner being in a relationship with royalty, and it didn't bother me, either.” (—Chevalier's thoughts)

“What might your hand be doing in your pocket? I dare you to throw one of those concoctions of yours at me. Just know I will kick you into the next century.” (—Chevalier to Clavis)

“Maids are servants. They follow their master or mistress' orders, thus creating a clear discrepancy in power. But I do not wish you to be below me. What I desire is for us to be equals, serving each other in a cooperative and mutual manner.”

"...Now that I think about it, I was rather fond of you from the very beginning. (...) To begin with... is there any man who would barge into the room of a woman he doesn't like? The palace is huge. There are many places... where I could go to spend leisure time, instead of expressly going to your room."

"You look terrible. (...) There's no need to feel ashamed. Not everything that has value is beautiful."

"You're the one at fault for leaving the covenant YOU created so open to interpretation. A shame." (—Chevalier to Sariel)

"Currently, a servant manages the palace library, but he's no expert, so his work is sloppy. I've been dissatisfied with it for a while now, but... you're proficient at handling books, yes?"

"It's not that you 'can' stay by my side, it's that you 'will' stay by my side."

"(...) Do you think I would allow you to die so easily after you laid a hand on my lover? (...) I've said as much before, but dying is not what you should be doing. What you should be doing is returning home to your loved ones, no matter how shameful you look." (—Chevalier to Flandre)

"Ever since I was a child, love had been the one thing I was most indifferent to. (...) My one and only reason is that I wanted to know what love was. Ridiculous, I know."

"I'm not so famished that I'd eat something I don't need. ...I want you so much that I could just eat you all up right now."

"(...) Any guest of Emma's is a guest of mine as well." (—Chevalier talking about an enemy to Clavis)

"...If you stay with me, many things will be taken away from you, and you'll be limited in what you can do. Sometimes, you'll have to bear the heavy responsibility of royalty, and occasionally your life may be threatened. You'll be the target of scheming. Other people will look upon you either favorably or unfavorably—nothing in between. No picturesque world like those found in your romance books exists in a real palace. You'll see it for yourself. Despite all that, do you still stand by the nonsense you spoke of earlier?"

"When every man in the kingdom knows you're mine—they'll stay away from you, lest they incur the wrath of the Bloody Tiger."

"It wasn't in an official capacity. It was personal time. I simply wanted to have you with me as always. You should be grateful. You don't have much time left at the palace, and I'm going out of my way to spend time with you."

"Hurry up and prove the value of love, simpleton. While we're still able to be together like this."

"It doesn't matter to me what happens to them... But it matters to someone else." (—Chevalier talking about Luke, Rio and Emma to Clavis)

"On the battlefield, you belong to the second prince. Remember, dying would be foolish, and even getting hurt would be a transgression."

"I came to save you. ...Did you think that's what I would say, simpleton?"

"I'm not so idiotic that I'd let low-lives like those do me in. I'll cut down every last person who rises up against me."

"I never had any intention of letting an enemy nation have you."

"You faced the Brutal Beast... so that you could fulfill your duty as Belle. We couldn't understand each other because our values were polar opposites... yet you tried to meet halfway. You believed that the beast was a person and tried to discern his true nature. It was the first time I'd ever met... a woman with such strange tastes. Actually... even if I searched the entire kingdom, I wouldn't find anyone as eccentric as you. 'I want the person I love to live, no matter the cost to me. I want to be by his side... I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen. (...) I feel the same way. You call this emotion... 'love', correct?"

"The king's lover will most likely face many difficulties, but unfortunately, I have no desire to bestow my favor on anyone but you."

"Emma, look at me. (...) You're no longer Belle, right? (...) Is that the first time I used it? It's not that big of a deal, is it?" (—Chevalier saying Emma's name for the first time)

"I don't want to be disturbed during mealtimes. I've decided to lock the door whenever you're here."

"Currently, only one woman is close to the king. There seem to be many fools who believe they can crush the leading candidate for queen and have their own daughter marry me instead." (—Chevalier talking about Emma to Clavis)

"Do I look like I care? And do you really think I'm going to do something as stupid as losing such a valuable pawn?" (—Chevalier talking about Emma, in Gilbert's route)

"Until now, the Obsidian royal family have had nothing but war on their minds, but through this we can rebuild our friendship. This is a sizable accomplishment. This accomplishment was achieved by just one woman... and we most certainly cannot disrespect what it means." (—Chevalier to Emma, in Gilbert's route)

"The only occasion I have spent time with another person and found worth in it... was with you." (—Chevalier's thoughts about Emma)

"She's eager to hear whether I like the fragrance or not. But it is her own scent. There is no way I could dislike it." (—Chevalier's thoughts about Emma)

"I don't need you to tell me my fool brother's worth. I knew it from the start." (—Chevalier talking about Clavis to Emma)

"As long as you were convinced you couldn't win, there was no way for you to unlock your full potential. That's why you never stopped failing. You were never going to win unless you believed in yourself." (—Chevalier to Clavis)

"People are fools. Everyone is contradictory in some way, because they're not perfect, and they can't be. But you and my fool brother are both fine that way. (...) Someone who is free of contradictions, who always chooses the right path... cannot really be called human. They're nothing more than a beast." (—Chevalier talking about Emma, Clavis and himself, to Emma)

"I learned how from watching you do it countless times." (—Chevalier talking about doing Emma's hair)

"They have the kind of decoration my fool of a brother would like." (—Chevalier talking about cookies with colorful and festive icing that Clavis would enjoy)

"...You're the only one. The only woman who would take pleasure in being at my side."

"Sometimes, you have quite violent coughing fits. I have a fool brother who gets ill a lot. The physician gives him this tea regularly, so I swiped some." (—Young Chevalier giving rose tea to his 'childhood friend')

"(...) keep cajoling him. You can shape the menace that he is." (—Chevalier talking about Gilbert to Emma)

"...I knew I made the right choice when I chose you as my pawn." (—Smiling Chevalier praising Emma, in Gilbert's route)

"An auction master working in collaboration with the Obsidianites had an official document from the king of Benitoite. That's quite a big catch, simpleton." (—Chevalier praising Emma's discovery, in Silvio's route)

"...I want you so much that I could just eat you all up right now."

"My clothes will be gone soon enough. After all, I have only one reason for locking a woman in a room like this. (...) Love me, Emma. This is an order from the king, and it's absolute."

"I recall you writing that you love hearing my voice. If that is what you want, you may hear it as much as you like."

"Hundreds of medical books, both domestic and foreign, are stored in my head."

"To have nerve enough to approach me... She's quite the woman." (—Chevalier's thoughts about Emma)

"That gaze of hers struck me as straight as an arrow, and unneeded emotions began to well up within me." (—Chevalier's thoughts about Emma)

"Don't be ridiculous. She would never be interested in the likes of you fools." (—Angry Chevalier talking about Emma and his brothers to Leon)

"I would far prefer to have you to myself than let that man have you." (—Chevalier talking about Gilbert)

"Indeed. I'm so vexed, I could throttle someone to death." (—Chevalier teasing Emma)

"You are our Belle. You spend your time determining our worth. Use some of those skills for yourself too." (—Chevalier telling Emma to care about herself more)

"I am not asking for a 'good' drawing. I am asking for your drawing."

"This is a Rhodolitian handshake. The more it hurts, the stronger your display of friendship." (—Chevalier to Gilbert)

"I don't believe I have ever seen Emma read it before. Perhaps I will recommend it to her. She cannot stay in the dark about it forever." (—Chevalier's thoughts while he's picking a romance book for Emma to read)

"If 'lovable' could be defined by any person, it would be her." (—Chevalier's thoughts about Emma)

"I had often read about this urge to dote, but I had not understood it until meeting her." (—Chevalier's thoughts about Emma)

"Theoretically, I have no use for romance novels now that I have Emma. However, thanks to her, I have learned how to enjoy them with no other motive." (—Chevalier's thoughts)

"I've become fond of seeing the variety of emotions on your face as you go through a book."

"Hm? Ah. Don't worry about the blood. I was just 'playing' with my brother who's made it his hobby to tease you." (—Chevalier's lobby dialogue)

"This absurdly lovely woman has my dearest affections." (—Chevalier translating his words of love from another language to Emma)

"The reason I still function so well despite having discarded my humanity is because I have my fool brother. And conversely, the reason my fool brother can do as he pleases is because he knows I'll always be there at the final moment." (—Chevalier talking about Clavis to Emma)

"Severing your Achilles tendon shall do the trick." (—Chevalier threatening Licht)

"I never had much chemistry with the twins. (...) They were just noisy children who cried if I so much as looked at them. However, one day, they stopped crying. No... If I think about it, there was a clear turning point." (—Chevalier's thoughts)

"It is true that you are useless right now, Licht, but you do not have to be that way forever. (—Chevalier's thoughts)

"Even with the first aid I have given you, it would be in your best interest to put on a convincing act for your twin if you do not wish to shock him." (—Chevalier to Licht)

"Oh? That was a much more thorough analysis than I would have expected from someone so heavily wounded. With some training, he could become an excellent commander." (—Chevalier's thoughts about Licht)

"Textbooks can be helpful, but not in the way that it obscures her lovely face." (—Chevalier's thoughts about Emma)

"I was never much one for drawing, but once during our childhood, Clavis pestered me to sketch something. Back then, I knew he suspected me to be a terrible artist, and asked me to do so in order to expose me. The resulting tantrum when his expectations were reversed was certainly memorable." (—Chevalier's thoughts)

"I would value this far beyond what any professional artist could draw. There is, however, something missing. (...) I must prepare a frame for this at once." (—Chevalier adding a little bunny on Emma's drawing of him as a tiger)

"I have never, ever laughed as much as I have with her. No wonder she is the one making my facial muscles exercise so much." (—Chevalier's thoughts)

"I want to do whatever it takes to see her entire spectrum of emotions." (—Chevalier's thoughts)

"Every second that ticked by was becoming another moment for me to cherish. I suddenly became overwhelmed by gratitude for being born the person I was. It won't be long before the entire collection of my memories is overtaken by you. And it will be just the way I like it." (—Chevalier's thoughts about Emma)

[soapoet]

what do you need to heal?

oof, you all deserve a hug.

01.

Shufflemancy: SENSITIVE by MOTHICA

your feelings are really potent. you feel like a pressure cooker, constantly ready to burst open. emotions are both your playground and your graveyard, it seems. you feel everything strongly, but there is almost a sense of it never being enough. you yearn for something more, something bigger and better to latch on to. you've probably been accused of being toxic once or twice, and there may be a trail of broken lines of communication behind you as a result. but you have no ill intent. you have so much to give, and all you want is equal returns for your investments. interpersonal relationships especially feel lackluster to you.

here's a storyline that might resonate: you meet someone, platonic or romantic, and sparks fly. you're so invested, they take interest in you, you're each other's favourite person, two peas in a pod, partners in crime, a dynamic duo. every day you pour your heart and soul into this connection, drop the drawbridge and invite them inside your walls to experience you and your world fully. and with every day that goes by, slowly but surely, the honeymoon phase begins to fade. their efforts lessen, even when they say you're their whole world they never seem to find the time, they stop sharing, and feel intruded upon when you inquire and poke around to see what's up. you step back, thinking yeah, alright, i just need to chill, give them space. but that just makes things worse, doesn't it? you end up feeling abandoned and the grief for what the connection once was is agonising. every time you try to rekindle the flames they lash out. you're overwhelming, nosy, obsessive, they feel cornered. oh my god, you're so toxic! and then you fight. you fight for your feelings and the relationship. they just seem to fight you. you tell them they knew what they were getting themselves into. you showed them everything. shared the deepest, darkest corners of your castle. didn't they say that it's okay, that you're perfect as you are, flaws and all, and that they'd never leave? and then they still do.

you're not a monster. you're not trying to lure people in and make their lives miserable. you simply seek companionship. the kind that seems impossible to find these days. you understand that everyone has a life of their own, things to do, and that it's okay to need time and space. what you do have a problem with is the lack of trust. when you drop your armour you need reassurance that it's not in vain and that you are safe. that your vulnerability won't be taken advantage of. you don't want to worry about whether or not you let wolves inside your castle walls. what you need to do is learn a healthy dose of discrimination. really vet the people you let in. take things slowly, and allow things to happen without having to force it. let people come to you. wield your emotions in a constructive way. if you feel like a fraud trying to fit into the whole love and light spiel, then don't force it! you're incredibly powerful. learn the art of transmutation and try to make your emotions work for you instead of against you. it may be easier said than done, but if anyone can do it, it's you.

02.

Shufflemancy: Bridges by ALIKA

stop fooling yourself. you're really making yourself jump through way too many hoops. things don't have to be an obstacle course. there isn't some long, ever-changing list of things that need to happen before what you want can happen. it's like you're running around in a hamster wheel. chasing after what ifs, looking for signs and clues, and when something doesn't align then oops, there you go, right back to the drawing board. reconfiguring things, going back and forth, fine-tuning, undoing, scrapping everything and starting all over. reading your energy feels like i'm walking into a room with crumpled papers all over the floors. and when i look at them, your plans and ideas are so good! why have you cursed yourself into this space of false starts and stagnation?

because your head is full of doubt. your mind is like the static of an old tv screen. there is so much noise, buzzing around and it's so loud you're unable to think straight. there are so many distractions. you're being pulled in so many directions. everywhere except forward. you are so focused on that first step being absolutely flawless that you'll do anything but actually take the damn step. every time you gather yourself and tell yourself alright, it's go-time my dudes, you just stand there, or notice something that you just gotta fix real quick. and before you know it, you're doing all kinds of busy work. anything to make you feel better about not doing what you want to do and feel like you're at least making some contribution toward your dreams.

you heard there would be signs that you're on the right path or that your manifestations are working, and you took that personally. you see a sign, then look for confirmation that the sign really was a sign. then you tell yourself you need to stop actively looking for signs because then you won't recognise the real signs. but uh-oh, what if you were already doing that? does that mean that the sign you noticed was a false flag and you're just delusional and just out there fooling yourself? please give me a sign that— stop. sit down. cut the noise out and just breathe. you really need to start trusting yourself. you have a vision. a path forward. you got shit to do, things to achieve. stop checking the time, the mirror, the skies... just check yourself. still want what you want? great, you got it. have some faith in yourself. refocus your energy and try to stay present. it's okay to get distracted and it's normal to doubt, just don't let the doubts and distractions rule your present moment. the light has been green this whole time, so just go.

03.

Shufflemancy: Trauma by NF

no. that's two letters, but it feels wrong in your mouth, doesn't it? like it's too big or like it'll break something. when we're drowning there is a period known as 'voluntary apnea'. our instinct to not inhale water is stronger than our need to release the buildup of carbon dioxide that occurs when we hold our breath for too long. the brain can cause us to endure the increasing terror and physical pain because of this survival instinct. and it feels like your ability to say no is behind this kind of mental block too. when you do say no to things it almost feels apologetic, and is riddled with apologies and reassurance. you don't want to do this or that, but it's just today, maybe some other time, you'll check your calendar, assure them it's not like you don't care, you're just busy, you gotta go. you'll find any excuse that sounds reasonable when you don't have one. and for what? you don't need to explain yourself. no is a full sentence.

it really feels like you're on the outside looking in. you have a fear of not just missing out, but being left behind. it's like you've convinced yourself that in order to be worthy and good you need to please everybody. maybe in your past you've been betrayed, experienced neglect or really, truly, felt all alone and without support and guidance. so when you're around people you're on your best behaviour. you listen and you are eager to learn. you adopt people's hobbies or otherwise make an effort to be there for them. people come to you for advice, you're a shoulder to cry on, a problem solver, a good time. but when you get overwhelmed, your nerves get the best of you and you need someone to lean on, you feel like you shouldn't burden people. they have better things to do. maybe they wouldn't be able to help anyway, so why bother?

in many ways you feel like a ghost. not quite sure where the influences of other people and life circumstances end and where you begin. your boundaries are so blurry it's no wonder you've accepted so many concepts of yourself that it feels like the hand of cards you were dealt are masks instead of tools. you may need some time in isolation and solitude for a while. not to say farewell to the world and become lonely, but learn to really be with yourself and figure out who you really are and who you want to be. put yourself on the operating table and start carefully removing things that don't serve your well-being. you are whole all within yourself, and i promise that it's all complete and good and worthy of so much love. you don't need to be patchwork quilt made of concepts forced upon you by the world. you're allowed to be yourself and grow in exactly the direction and at the speed that you want. there's room here under the sun for you too.

[dazuya]

Dark And Cold

ragnvider! adopted! reader and the unfortunate events that follows after the death of their father.

Tw: Mentions of blood and injuries.

_________________________________________

"Stop it. You guys. Please. Just not in front of father!" Diluc and Kaeya's fighting doesn't seem to stop for anything. Diluc is going at it and Kaeya only seems to defend himself from his brother. Not even trying to attack back in the slightest. But still shit talking every chance he gets.

"I said Stop!" A lighting bolt is let out and it lands right in between the two brothers.

It was comical indeed. You were blessed with a vision. Blessing? It was life laughing at your face. It was a curse. For better or for worse that seems to have finally stopped your brothers from fighting and then to look at you.

"Can we please just get dad home and sort this out? I- I can't bare to see you guys fight. Please." Everything just comes out a hushed wispher but you're sure they heard you. After all the dead of the night was the only white noise.

"There is no home for us. Haven't you guys already done enough? I don't ever want you traitors near me. I don't want you calling my father as your own." Diluc spits out with his eyebrows furrowed. The expression is clear. Hatred. Betrayal. You name it. He doesn't trust anyone anymore. Not even his siblings. Dare he say you guys were never family.

"Is that what you truly wish for?" The question came as a surprise to Kaeya. He was going to tell Diluc off for dragging you into this. Archons! you were the youngest there and you weren't even remotely related to kaeya by blood, So why must you be a subject to this? Just someone who was left to fend for in front of the church. But again, Before he could answer no. Diluc beat him to something else.

"Yes. Don't come crawling back to our place. There is no place for you both. I hate you! Everything my father did was in vain because of you guys. A selfish lot indeed." The wound is still fresh. Right now it seems to sting more than ever. Father died. Kaeya is a spy. What does he expect from you? He doesn't wanna find out. It left a bitter taste in his mouth.

"If that's what you want. I'll gladly oblige. Diluc, Kaeya. If i ever see you again. Pretend you don't know me. You cut out ties off so i don't see a reason to stay in mondstadt. I hope you live a filling life." With that to drag your feet out of the place. It's cold. It's raining. Diluc and Kaeya look at you leave. They utter nothing. Unsure of wheather you truly meant that. They don't chase after you. They have their own wounds to tend to.

For you however it's dark out. What can you see? Nothing. No hope for your future. What were you ought to do?

It's like God had answered your question. A certain ginger head was walking right by the qingce village you were near by. He saw the uneven steps you took. Mistakenly taking you for a drunk person and he thought of playing with you even. That is until he came closer and saw you clutching your arm. It was a horrifying sight to see. Even the Fatui Harbinger was shocked. Your Arms had a dagger through it. Your body was almost soaked in blood. There were many open wounds here and there. But most importantly you looked pained. Tears threatening to spill out. But somehow still holding back.

"Little Miss. You better come with me and see a doctor right now. Those wounds aren't gonna heal themself you know?" He spoke so kindly. You didn't have the heart to refuse. You weren't the position to either. Any help. Any pitiful gaze. Just anything to put out the pain you feel.

"That.. would be very helpful." You chuckle out. Almost funnily enough you find out that he was one of the Harbingers later. What were you supposed to do? Honor your father- That's not what you deserved to call him. Honor your dead gaurdian or honor the man that saved you. You merely chose the one in front of you.

Childe was a day of hope in the dark that you needed. He played a big brother's role. Unironically and very well at that too. He was always eager to take you home to his siblings. Always more than happy to treat you lunch. Making sure you a safe and sound before you sleep. You saw both Diluc and Kaeya in him. Being an actual brother himself, He understood both sides. However he ridiculed your brothers for not going after you. Although he wouldn't say it out loud. He did drop a couple of hints that he would love to have you in his home with his other siblings. You didn't have to get your hands dirty at the Fatui. You could just do something else.

But you can't sit idly knowing the man that took you in at your worst could be out there on danger. You vowed to never leave his side and to protect him. Although childe was much older than you, he found it rather endearing. He let you stay during his missions. Of course he would still try to protect you from the bloodshed happening. Closing your eyes with his hands every chance he gets.

"So, Little Missy, you don't have to come to this mission. It's rather in a place you'd rather not visit." He spoke. Placing his warm hand on your head and ruffling it ever so gently. But you were set. When you said you'd never leave him, you meant it.

"No. It's fine. I have you now don't I? Mondstadt doesn't bother me anymore. Plus, it's not like i have family." He saw the sad chuckle you let out. No sibling deserved to go through this. They didn't either. But what was he to do anything?

"Hey now, don't say that. Teucer and I will be sad for months." He tried to lighten the mood. You saw right through him. He's always trying to keep the pain away.

"Thank you. I truly appreciate you guys." You said smiling. It was geniune this time.

After a decade. A long stretched out decade later. You find your way to mondstadt. But it isn't with intention to find your old family, No. It's with intentions with protecting the one you've been gifted with.

It was nostalgic to say the least. You were twenty five. A bigger circle of people with you. Certainly drawing the attention. You still had that same hair colour. Still the same eyes yet somehow dead. The scar on your arm seemed new. The clothes you wore. Everything seemed the same yet off.

"Let's go get a few drinks! I am certainly drained but some alcohol will sure be there to cheer me up." Childe said. Dramatically placing a hand over his head to act out as if he were in pain.

"Okay, let's go." The only time you agreed to drink with him was when you guys weren't at home. You were known to have weird drinking habits. So it was best to not show childe's family that side.

The nearest Tavern was Angel's share. Of course the well known one. You didn't object to go there. After all you didn't know anyone. Or rather you refused to acknowledge them.

The ring of doors opening altered the owner. "Welcome to Angel's share. What can I-" He looked up to be faced with his dear sibling. Does he even deserves to call you that? He remembers the harsh words he said. He didn't mean them. Not one of them. He also sees the Fatui there. He's confused. But right now he has to focus to getting to talk to you.

Kaeya who was sitting in front of Diluc was shocked as well. He couldn't say anything. The words were stuck in his throat. You were taller. More cold. The electro vision hung on your waist like his. Yet it seemed different.

The ginger next to you speaks up so you don't have to. "If you'd be kind to give us comrades a big table and loads of booze would be great!" He spoke with a smile.

Diluc couldn't say anything. He simply nodded. He would speak to you before you left. He surely would. He thought to himself.

"Come on, Dear. And please be mindful of how much you drink, yeah? We don't want you doing what you did last time." He said. You could only look away in embarrassment as you recalled how you cried and refused to let childe go thinking he'll abandon you when he was really going to the bathroom.

The way that man coaxed you rubbed Diluc and Kaeya the wrong way. It wasn't his place.

"It won't happen again. I swear." You said.

The drinks had been served. Everything was going very well. Until you met eyes with Diluc. God. You couldn't say a part of you want relieved at them doing well. But now you simply showed no emotion on the outside. For now, you were drinking a glass of wine. You were getting a bit tipsy. The drinks were getting to you. This is where you should've stopped. But you didn't. You just couldn't.

"Brother Ajax." You uttered. Three heads turned to you. Only one was overjoyed however. Diluc and Kaeya looked in horror. The one who they raised as their own for nine years was in front of them calling a Fatui Harbinger their brother.

Childe was beyond happy. He told you multiple times to call him that. But somehow this was the first time.

"Finally! You said it. I've been waiting for so long to hear you say that! You're as endearing as ever. I wished you just stay home though." He said hugging you.

You could only smile and say "How am i supposed to protect my brother if he's out fighting for our family?"

Everything came crashing down. Diluc couldn't hold back the cracking of his heart. Kaeya could only tear up at that. What went wrong? Well, everything. They would never have you smile at them. They could never have you call them brother again. They could never have you back in their family again. You were nothing but a chapter in the past.

"Can you please come back home?" Diluc spoke up to you. It came down as a surprise to childe though. He didn't think your brothers were none other than the famed protecters of mondstadt.

"I'm sorry, Sir. I don't understand you." You replied. All that you had drunk seemed to have vanished.

"Just come back home. I miss you, No We miss you. Kaeya, The maids. Everyone. I'm sorry for everything i said. I never meant them. Just please.. find your way back to us." He had a very sad look. lips pressed into a thin line. Kaeya could only say yes in a hushed voice.

"But i am home. I am home with brother Ajax-" Right when you said that you fainted. Dropping in and out of consciousness send to be one of the side effects of you drinking alcohol. Before your head could collide with the table, Childe put his hand in between. Slowly putting you to the side he turned to Diluc and Kaeya.

"You know when my sibling right here told me that their brothers left them. I would've never guessed it would've been you guys. Of course i expected more from you. Now that i know, I'll make you never get to hurt my dear again." Childe said. He had seen you grow up in front of him. Grow up? it was forced upon you. You never got a chance to have a normal childhood. Always killing, going to dangerous places. All of this could've been avoided if only one of them spoke up that night.

"We were talking to our sibling. Not yours." Kaeya spat out. All these years of searching for you. After such a long time, they finally got to see you but they couldn't hug you. They couldn't say they missed you dearly. They couldn't be a family to you when you needed them most.

"Yours you say? All you seem to have done is stab their heart. Rest assured they're with me now. Family to me. Keep your noses out of our business." With that childe carried you out of the tavern. They didn't dare chase after you again. Not when you were happy else where.

It was dark. It was cold. It was raining but you had your brother on your side this time.

[shinobufied]

one thing I dislike about the take that Dutch has ~always been that way~ and just kinda acted sane (as far as that works) for +20 years is that it paints Hosea as a complete fool.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think Hosea is completely untouchable, out of this world, a god amongst humans but he isn't stupid. As far as we are concerned he is a master at seeing through people, he reads them and tricks them like no other.

He's very smart and observant, often the one to take a step back and think things through thrice before investing into them and somehow you want to tell me he looked at loud, boisterous, energetic (supposedly manipulative) Dutch at the very beginning and thought "my god this guy is full of shit"?

Now, we don't really have any insight on how they really were before Blackwater or even years back when they took in Arthur but I truly and utterly believe that Dutch was making a real effort to do good, from the bottom of his heart, that he really tried to be better and ultimately failed. (and yeah, surely partly bc it stroked his ego but nonetheless)

Like, the first time we see, or rather hear that Dutch may be a little silly is in Colter, right after Blackwater when it was revelaed that he killed an innocent woman. This was also the very first severe stress situation we have "seen" Dutch in. He got lead on, maybe even set up after what sounded like a long period of luck and success and now him and everyone tagging along is in danger and everything has gone to shit.

The one that then seemed increasingly concerned and insisted on knowing what happened was Hosea. My thoughts are that Hosea knew that Dutch tended to act rash in stressful situations and that there was something nagging on his conscious, telling him that something went horribly wrong. Because he knew Dutch.

Dutch on the other hand started to grow desperate. He didn't just lose a ton of money and got the law after them all once again, but he also lost 3 members of the gang. 3 people to who he promised freedom and a good life gone just like that + he also started to feel the others losing hope and maybe he was confronted with the idea that maybe what he was doing wasn't as good and great as he has thought throughout all these years.

So he grows defensiv and even reckless because no, it can't be, him facing the fact that his time was not only over but he probably wasted all these years was a tad too painful, both for his ego but also for his being.

As time goes on he keeps slipping more and more since everything he does just seems to blow up right back into his face. The more he tries to fix the more to shit it goes and the desperation just seems to grow and grow.

So he clings to every little thing that keeps on making him believe that his cause is still good, that he's still doing right so he comes up with nonesense plans like Tahiti.

But most importantly, his probably biggest reminder still was Hosea. As long as Hosea was still there, still by his side it would be alright. Yeah, Hosea nags him all the time and they bicker and fight all the time, but he's still there, so that means he still believes in Dutch. With Hosea he could do it.

And then Hosea dies.

And the failure at the bank is so much worse than all the ones before because this time it wasn't Dutch that set things up, or Micah, or anyone else but it was Hosea. The very person that grounded him, that he clung to desperately to show him that his efforts are not in vain.

The disaster at the bank didn't only cost him Hosea, his life long partner, the person he trusted the most, but also the trust from the rest of the gang. John was already doubting him for some time now and now the others started to, too.

And maybe, maybe him doing all this what he thought of good these past years, saving and taking in people, wasn't the best for them at all. Maybe he doomed them more than anything.

But no, Micah is still at his side. And Bill. And Javier.

Well, if there's some people still believing in him then there has to be some truth to it, no?

Maybe Micah is right, maybe John is the rat. Or Abigail. Or Arthur.

Maybe all the others are just ungrateful. Maybe he gave them all and the moment he slips and fails they just leave?

Hosea woulnd't have. Hosea stayed with him.

Micah stayed with him.

And as he was on that mountain, looking at the boy he raised as his own, barely able to breath and all beaten up, telling him "I gave you all I had", that was the first time the realization of him not being as great, as good, as he hoped to be, as he tried to be, fully hit him and now he couldn't do anything but accept it. No denying it anymore, no deluding it. Just the cold truth.

[malsfefanfics]

Let's get spicy-

Rhea and Edelgard?

No spice, only angst.

Rhea kept her head turned away. She refused to look at the Emperor. She refused to give her the satisfaction of seeing her despair.

The cuffs, while heavy and tingling with magic suppressing energies, were not so uncomfortable as to be restricting. She could not transform. She could not cast magic.

But she could still move. Walk around her cell. Eat the bread and soup that was brought for her. If she did at all. She wouldn't trust anything brought to her by the guards.

And yet, she found she was willing to eat when Edelgard was personally with her.

“I’m sorry that it had to come to this," Edelgard said as she ripped her bread roll in half. "I know my words now are hollow, but do know, I never wanted things to come to this."

"...I find that hard to believe," Rhea growled. "You seemed quite pleased when you revealed yourself in the Holy Tomb."

"I wasn't. A brave face is needed to ensure a victory. You, of all people, should know that. Lady Seiros."

This nearly raised her head. "Do not speak that name!"

"...my apologies."

Rhea looked at her bowl, sneering at the lumps of meat and potato that had settled into the bottom. She hadn't been given silverware.

"Tell me, Edelgard. Why keep me alive?"

Edelgard had been mid sip of her soup. She slowly set the bowl down, and it was only then she realized the Emperor had no cutlery either.

"You might not believe me," Edelgard stated slowly, "but I do not actually want you dead."

"Lies."

"It's the truth. I don't want anyone to die. But the way things are now cannot continue. Too many lives suffer under this system your Church helps to perpetuate."

"Is that what those monsters told you?" Rhea asked, each syllable sharper than the last. "Is that what those deceitful heretics and murders told you?"

Edelgard's hand gripped her bowl tighter. "It's what I've been seeing with my own eyes since I was a child. I've seen it with my fellow Black Eagles. I've seen it with all my peers. This system that values Crests and blind obedience is destroying us. And it needs to end."

Finally, Rhea raised her head. Her entire body burned as she begged it in vain to shift form. "And to do that, you side with the very people who took everything from me?! Who have been sowing the seeds of ill will and destruction over the last thousand years from the shadows?!" She threw her bowl past the Emperor's head, letting it crash against the floor with a sickening clack. "Why?! Why turn your back on the Goddess? Why start a war with those who you should be protecting?!"

"Calm-"

"Do not order me to calm down, Edelgard von Hresvelg! You betrayed the people of Fódlan! And for what?! Some perceived notion of salvation?!"

"And what would you have done in my stead?" Edelgard asked. "What would you have done if you were in my position? Had felt the things I experienced. Seen the injustices I've seen. With no allies to turn to. What would you have done differently?"

Rhea wanted to claw out her throat. "Anything other than this!"

"Anything? So, if I had brought all of this to you, would you have helped me? Or would you have had me executed?"

Sound caught in her throat. Rhea's body shook with rage as she threw the bread roll to lay beside the remnants of her soup bowl. Another minute, and she finally turned away, taking her spot back in the far side of the cell.

Edelgard sighed. "I had a feeling that would be your answer." She stood, quickly gathering up the bowls and cleaning as best she could. "I'll have a fresh serving sent down to you. Along with fresh water. I will return in the morning with breakfast. Try to get some rest."

Rhea refused to answer. Instead, she curled in on herself, trying to ignore the hunger pangs.

And to forget the look of remorse behind those lavender eyes.

[iamyoursinblog]

MAFIA

Pairing: Kim Taehyung x Reader x Jeon Jungkook

Genre: Mafia!AU

Word Count:  2.06 k

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POV Taehyung

He almost silently approached his guard, who stood with his back to him. Taehyung pressed the gun to the guard's head causing him to exhale loudly. “Don't move,” Taehyung growled, snatching the phone from the guard's hand. “She’s in the basement,” he read aloud the message that his guard sent to an unfamiliar number. He grinned in disgust, he really couldn’t trust anyone around him. He threw the phone forcefully into a tree, breaking it.

“Boss...” the guard started to speak, but Taehyung hit him hard, causing him to lose consciousness. He took the handcuffs out of his pocket, chaining the guard to a tree. He took tape from his bag and covered the guard's mouth. He kicked the immobilized body, cursing mentally.

He wonders if there was anyone he could trust. He smiled, he knew two such people. It seems he could only trust people who threatened to kill him right to his face. Taehyung laughed quietly, remembering your and Jungkook’s threats towards him. For a second, he wondered if Jungkook was okay. Although knowing Jungkook, Taehyung could definitely not worry about him.

He was wondering, will you be angry if he kills absolutely everyone in this damn house? He grinned, thinking that perhaps you would be the first to arrest him. But he definitely won't mind.

He exhaled when he found himself in front of the estate. Even after all these years, this place made his body feel nauseous and tremble. Now he was glad that you didn’t go to the basement. That you didn’t see all the “training equipment” that his father used on him. How is it even possible that you would stay with him after everything he did... he would really like to believe in your words...

He continued to move inside, leaving behind only lifeless bodies covered in blood. He gripped the knife tighter as he stood in front of the open door to his bedroom. “I WILL KILL YOU,” he growled when he saw bloody bandages and traces of blood on the floor and bed indicating serious wounds. Apparently you were kept here. In any case, his father did it. If before he had doubts, now seeing your blood, they disappeared completely. Now he was glad that his father had turned him into a cruel and cold-blooded killing machine. “I hope you fully enjoy your creation, father...”

He headed to his father's office, killing everyone in his path. He froze when he heard the shutter click behind him. “Long time no see, son,” his father’s voice made everything inside him tighten into a knot. “I’m glad your training was not in vain,” his father laughed. Taehyung turned sharply, throwing the knife in his direction. Taehyung grinned as he hit his father in the shoulder, causing him to drop the gun from his hand. “Oh, you bastard!” his father growled. Taehyung threw a second knife, pinning his father's palm to the floor next to the gun. "How dare you..."

"What?" Taehyung grinned as he came closer. “Did you hope that I would fall at your feet and beg for mercy?” Taehyung laughed, pressing his foot against his father's bloody palm.

“Do you even know what my security will do to you?!”

"Security? What security? Taehyung asked while squatting down. “All your guards look about the same,” he said, pointing to the corpses in the corridor. “Besides...” Taehyung pulled the knife out of his father’s palm, stabbing knife a little higher from the previous wound. “Shouldn’t you have been better prepared? I’m kind of offended that you underestimate the result of your work so much,” Taehyung pointed at him. “I’m wondering,” Taehyung said, picking up the gun from the floor. “What did you even hope for by kidnapping the girl I love more than my life?” Taehyung asked, shooting at his father's knee, causing him to swear and gasp in pain, “How dare you even lay a finger on her?!” Taehyung growled, shooting his father's thigh after every word. “You know... after that day in Busan when you wounded Jungkook, there wasn't a moment when I didn't want to kill you. But I always lacked the courage. Thank you, father... for pressing that pain point , what gave me this courage,” Taehyung said as he stood up before shooting his father in the head.

Taehyung raised his head when he heard footsteps approaching down the corridor. The father's guards froze, looking first at Taehyung and then at his father's corpse. "What?" Taehyung chuckled. “Are you going to take revenge? Did you really get so much that you would lose your life because of someone who won’t even pay you back?” Taehyung laughed. “That’s what I thought.” Taehyung turned out to be when the guards lowered their weapons. “Clean up here” Taehyung kicked her father’s corpse.

He walked along the empty corridor towards the stairs leading to the attic. He thought that he would feel at least something after he had to kill his father. But no... There was nothing... Nothing at all... He froze in front of a large mirror, meeting his reflection, which made him shudder. And is he gonna appear in front of you like this? Fully covered in blood and with the empty glance of a killer. You were right... Now even he himself did not recognize the person who was looking at him in the reflection.

“If there's even a drop of your blood in here, I'll kick your ass.” He froze when he heard your voice behind him. His jaw tensed as he met your gaze in the reflection of the mirror. Taehyung shook his head, lowering his eyes to the floor. He was afraid to see disappointment or disgust in your gaze.

“Everything is fine,” you whispered. He exhaled as your arms wrapped around his waist, pressing against his back. He covered his face with his hands as tears filled his eyes. He fell to his knees, sobbing loudly. The love in your voice broke him completely. Even after what he did, even after who he was, you were still there. “It’s over,” you said, squeezing him tighter. He turned in your direction, scooping you into his arms. His brain stopped thinking. He clung to you desperately until his lips found yours. You stopped him, squeezing his face with your hands. “Wait,” you smiled. “I certainly don’t think anyone is still alive, judging by the way you look. But I would not want to stay in this place for a minute longer.”

POV You

You rolled your eyes when instead of going home, Taehyung took you to the hospital. You tried to calm him down while he was yelling at the doctors, who were petrified by his appearance and couldn’t help but take a step. You got out of bed and limped over to Taehyung, hitting him on the shoulder. “Stop threatening doctors with death.” you shouted

“Why did you get up?!” Taehyung shouted, picking you up. “You have two bullet wounds, you can’t walk!”

"That's it. Therefore, stop threatening my doctor and let him calmly treat me!”

“You heard her asshole. Well, quickly got together and cured my wife before I cut off your fingers one by one, idiot." Taehyung shouted at the doctor, who was trembling in fear, looking at Taehyung covered in blood from head to toe.

“Taehyung” you growled.

"Yeah baby?" Taehyung slowly turned to you smiling widely.

“You have an hour to get yourself back to normal if you don’t want to lose the status of my future husband” you glared at Taehyung before he ran out of your room knocking everyone and everything in his path. “Sorry, he’s a little nut” you smiled to the doctor, who was still trembling with fear.

No matter what they injected you with, you were not happy, because it knocked you out so much that you couldn’t come to your senses. You could hear Taehyung's voice threatening the doctors because you didn't wake up. Yeah, that crazy is your future husband! You chuckled, letting the medications drag you completely into the darkness.

POV Jungkook

Jungkook was restless until he got back to Seoul. After Taehyung said that you were in the hospital, everything was in a fog. He ran into the hospital, swooped down on the first doctor he came across with questions about you. He kept swearing under his breath because the damn elevator stopped at every floor. He ran into your room, practically knocking over the nurse who was leaving. He froze in the doorway when he saw Taehyung who was shouting at the doctor asking why you still hadn’t woken up even though a day had passed.

“Hyung...” Jungkook practically whispered, looking at you lying unconscious.

"She is alright!" Taehyung grabbed Jungkook as his legs gave way. “They gave her medicine so she could rest! They treated the gunshot wounds and...”

  “Gunshot wounds?!” Jungkook grabbed Taehyung by the collar. “She was shot?! My sister was shot??????!!!!” He let go of Taehyung, turning towards the exit. “I'm gonna murder them all!” Jungkook growled.

“Too late,” Taehyung whispered, and Taehyung’s words made Jungkook freeze for the second time.

“Hyung..” Jungkook turned towards Taehyung who's  looked at the floor. Jungkook quickly walked up to Taehyung hugging him. “It's okay, hyung. It's over." Jungkook squeezed Taehyung's trembling body tighter

Taehyung laughed quietly. “That you, that she...” Taehyung’s voice was filled with pain. “You two...why are you so worried about some killer?”

"Jerk!" Jungkook hit Taehyung on the back with his palm. “You did what you had to do to survive! So that she survives!” tears filled Jungkook's eyes.

“If it weren’t me, she wouldn’t have been wounded... If you hadn’t picked me up on the street then, neither you nor she would have been wounded!”

“Hyung!” Jungkook squeezed Taehyung's shoulders, shaking him hard. “No matter what you think, it’s all your father’s fault! Not you! Can you hear me, hyung! If I went back in time knowing what would happen, I would still choose to save you that evening!”

“You always were too kind, Jungkook,” grinned Taehyung.

“Have you two have a friendship reunion here while I'm passed out? Cute,” your voice made them both turn sharply in your direction.

"Babe"

“Nuna” Jungkook and Taehyung exclaimed at the same time. “Hyung!” Jungkook snorted in displeasure when Taehyung pushed him away and ran up to you.

“Sorry” Taehyung smiled at Jungkook.

“Nuna, how are you?” he asked coming closer.

“High,” you grinned. “But everything is fine.”

Jungkook practically rolled his eyes when you continued to only look at Taehyung. Not that he's surprised. “I’m actually here in front of you too, nuna! At least you could look for a second at your brother.” Jungkook snorted, plopping down on the couch next to your bed.

Jungkook chuckled as you reached for Taehyung's hand, squeezing it tightly. “Honestly, I'm fine!”

“Because of me...” Taehyung ran his fingers down your bandaged leg.

“Oh shut up...” you snorted causing Jungkook to laugh. “You cannot be held responsible for what your father did.”

“Oh, get a room...” Jungkook grinned, watching you and Taehyung look at each other. Jungkook got up from the sofa and headed towards the exit. “I’m superfluous here now, I’ll come back later” Jungkook nudged Taehyung closer to you before heading out the door.

He slid down the wall, covering his face with his hands. He barely restrained himself from bursting into tears when he heard your voice. You and Taehyung always worry him to death! He flinched when a hand squeezed his shoulder.

“As usual, you cry in private.” Taehyung ruffled his hair.

“Shouldn’t you be with nuna?”

“It seems like you need a nanny, not ______”

“I'm not a child.” Jungkook removed Taehyung's hand from his hair.

Taehyung sat down next to Jungkook quietly in his shoulder. “Okay, okay... whatever you say”

"What are you going to do? It looks like there's going to be a mess soon, they're unlikely to leave you alone.” Jungkook looked at Taehyung.

“This is why you should take _____ back to America!” Taehyung rested his head against the wall

Jungkook laughed. "Oh really? Force her to do something against her will? Good luck with that, I’m not going to die yet.”

“If you stay, you will be in danger. Those who want to harm me will hunt you too!”

“Then we need to start hunting them earlier!” Jungkook chuckled

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[dolly-macabre]

⚙️ 𝕶𝖑𝖔𝖐𝖙𝖔𝖇𝖊𝖗 𝕯𝖆𝖞 𝟏𝟔 ⚙️

ℑ𝔫 𝔐𝔢𝔪𝔬𝔯𝔦𝔲𝔪: ℌ𝔬𝔫𝔬𝔯 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔉𝔞𝔩𝔩𝔢𝔫

Memorial Services are hard! Have a fic about it!

In Memorium

"I don't think I can do this…" Dolly chokes back tears as her hands fiddle with the written speech in her lap. She's so nervous that she almost tears it.

"Hey, hey… Yer gonna do great, babe." Pickles attempts to reassure her, but nothing anyone says seems to be helping. It's just one of those things. 

You can't get around this, Twinkletits had told her. You need to go through it. She'd been repeating that affirmation in her head all morning, but how is she supposed to properly pay tribute to so many fallen?

She blames herself, of course. She was supposed to be coordinating the klokateers during that epic battle, but had gotten caught up buying time for the boys. She can still hear the screaming from her earpiece that day, loud and clear.

And Jess…

She'd made many friends along the way as she became a klokateer, but he was the one she held most dear. He was always there to patch her up or give her a kind pat on the back for a job well done.  Not being able to see him every day anymore was rough.

Charles had been kind enough to put off the memorial service until she could be a part of it. She was only just starting to get used to not laying in a hospital bed all day, so this whole event felt like too much for her. She peers around the room to get a feel for her audience. There were hardly any klokateers left to attend, and the ones that were there were very new or had been guarding Mordhaus during the battle.

Pickles can feel her tremors and nervous sweating. He watches as she reaches into her black studded clutch bag and pulls out an amber pill bottle.

"Hey, you uh sharin' that by any chance?" he whispers.

She hands him a couple bars of Xanax and gives him a stern look. She trusts him to keep it together, but the rest of them… 

"Oh! You handings out Xanxies????" Toki loudly chimes in.

"I want some, too!" Nathan wasn't nearly as loud as Toki, but Dolly had had enough. She whirled on them, hissing, "All of you shut the *RIFF* up! This is a formal event!"

"Yeah, in our church. That they built for usch. There'sch hardly anyone here! Don't be a schtingy asschole!" Murderface whines.

She realizes it's been some time since everything went down, but she didn't think it would be long enough that they'd act so negligent about it. Maybe it was just their way of coping? She'd have to ask Dr. John about that. 

"Here, just take it!" she hisses, throwing the bottle on the floor in front of their pew.

"Sahrry," Pickles bashfully says. "I shoulda just kept my mouth shut." 

"Don't worry about it," Dolly says, taking a deep breath to steady herself. "Soon I'll be flying and nothing'll matter. I'll give my little speech and go home to my bed and everything will be fine."

Charles takes the stage first, refined as ever. "Good evening, Dethklok family," he says. "I'm forlorn that we must meet under such devastating circumstances. We have gathered here to honor our fallen soldiers, the klokateers. Their sacrifice was not in vain, for we can stand here today, proud for all they have given us. Working tirelessly to meet the needs of their masters and staff alike–"

How am I supposed to follow him? This guy is like the king of public speaking… 

Dolly begins to fidget with her rings as a cold trickle of sweat runs down the middle of her back. She only glances up when Pickle's hand settles over hers. 

"Hey, yer shakin' pretty bad," he whispers. "It's okay if we gatta step out for a sec. Do ya wanna take a breather?" 

He tosses a nod at Charles, who nods in return. Charles continues on to cover for her. He's always been a great boss to her. She'd have to find a way to thank him later. Meanwhile, Pickles walks her out of the Blacklok church's sanctuary. 

Dolly had begun hyperventilating before they even made it out. She's so embarrassed. She's supposed to be Dethklok's fearless defender, for fuck's sake!

"Angel… I know this is sumthin' you really wanna do, but I hate ta see ya all worked up like this…"

"Just… gotta wait for the Xanax to kick in…" She shakily sits down on a nearby bench. 

Pickles kneels down before her, setting a hand on each shoulder as she wipes away her tears. 

"No one would think any less of ya, Dolls…"

"No! I– I need to… "

He lets out a sigh and sits next to her. He begins digging in the black tote bag he's started carrying everywhere. He pulls her dab pen from the bag, looking weary.

"I know yer supposed ta cut back on the smoking while your lungs heal up, but I think this might be a special circumstance. '' He hands her the vape, and she thankfully puffs at it a few times. Pickles always thought of everything; He's fully embraced his role as band mother. 

"There ya go," he says in that gentle tone he reserves just for her. "Yer gonna be fine. "

After about 10 minutes passes, Charles steps out of the sanctuary to check on them. 

"Dahlia," he says, "if you feel unwell, I'm more than happy to read your segment for you, but we can't delay this anymore. People are starting to become restless."

Dolly takes three deep breaths. "No," she replies. "I– I can do this." She makes her way back into the sanctuary, speech in hand, as others whisper and mumble. The aisle may as well have been a million miles long. Would this ever end?

She stands silent at the podium for a moment.  Pickles has made his way back to his seat, and he gives her a thumbs up along with Toki and Nathan, after some prodding. 

She lets out a soft sigh and sets her paper on the podium. Finally, she begins to speak. 

"My dear friends and family, I come before you with a heavy heart. Though right now that feels like an understatement. We all know life is unfair, but this incident has rattled us to our very core. The klokateers were more than just yes-men to answer our every beck and call. They were the very life blood of this company.  A lot–" She collects herself, keeping the sobbing at bay before continuing. "A lot of them I had grown so close to in my time as a klokateer and now when I see their posts empty, it feels as though my heart is being ripped from my chest. They were my family when the outside world had forsaken me. Life will never be the same now, no matter who we recruit, and no matter how much we build ourselves up going forward, but…" Her pause feels like it lasts for a century. "We will become stronger because of their sacrifice. We will overcome, for their sakes. Because that's what it comes down to when serving Dethklok. Death may always seem inevitable in this line of work, but they always put their best foot forward and kept going until they no longer could. And for that, I can't even begin to thank them enough for their service. The least we can do for them is to keep going no matter how hard life gets. For we are all gears in the wheel of the Klok, and we fear not our mortality!"

"That's my girl," Pickles whispers proudly to himself as the crowd respectfully applauds.

[carminewill]

𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐈𝐒 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐄 𝐑𝐎𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘?

the h̶e̶r̶o̶ villain

so we meet again, don't we? pity, I hoped our reunion would never occur. oh, pardon my discourtesy would you? but I really find tyrants unpleasant to the mouth. "sic semper evello mortem tyrannis." I have seen many before you fall, and I will see many after you descend as well. oh don't give me that hateful sneer, you more than anyone should know the expanse of my kindness, but vain little heroes are but villians in different shoes. you grew up wishing to prove yourself, you were good once, or I thought you were. maybe you were born nasty. you strove to reach the stars, for you felt unworthy, ha, perhaps you were onto something you pushed those you saw as dirty into the dirt, face down in the name of righteousness. but one does not merely hate for hatred itself. all abhorrence stems from fear. you call yourself a savior to merely stomp on the ones beneath you. would you like a bitter truth? no one's beneath you, some just strike more worry into your heart. are they better than you? as much as I'd adore saying yes, there might still be hope for you yet. after you swallow a few slices of humble pie, and wake up to reality. you cannot force anyone to change. you cannot force anyone to do anything. it is as simple as that. reality has very few set rules and somehow even then people find a way to break them. you're not a god, little beast. it's time you stopped acting like one, for one day a real god will smite you where you stand, and they will be disguised as the "lesser" people you mock so bitterly.

the fallen prodigy

hello old friend, it's been a while hasn't it? I remember when you were just a child, gape-smiled and beaming like the sun. where have you laid your youth to rest my love? is it buried beside your heart perhaps? I know how deeply life has wounded you, it took away everything, didn't it? oh poor soul, you held onto happiness with bloody, shaking hands but still fate ripped even that away from you. your past lovers are dead or did some betray you? turning away in fear of what they once admired. your comrades have been slain, or their priorities shifted. I've heard you too have changed your way of thought. the people fear you now, do they normally cower at the sound of your name? ah don't fret, that makes two of us. the masses tend to despise the things they do not have the will to comprehend. the villian finds sympathy for you don't they, well I could have seen that from a mile away. you two are the oldest friends, you made a deal with them correct? to save your late love, they tried to hold their end of the bargain, really, but I fear you are cursed to forever be despondent. oh what a sad and miserable life without love. is that why you chase loneliness? for is it truly a life of sorrow if you yourself has chosen it? but don't become bitter from the pain. trust when I say I have seen wounds unfold a man, turning the gentlest spirits into seething beasts. please, keep seeking love, even if it seems you are forbidden from it. you are the master of your own fate, I see how tired you are. the scars never healed, they twist and wrap around your entire person. your eyes are dark and lifeless, rest. but keep fighting, not with the sword you have forsaken so long ago, but with your heart. I'll be rooting for you my friend.

the rising under dog

why hello again dearie, I see you managed to help those frogs those children were kicking, hm? oh how much I can emphasize we are but the ghosts of our childhood passions. and, unsurprising enough, the hero to the trodden little creatures of the earth is now a rising golden savior to the masses. oh love, I said you'd go far, didn't I. for the good always prevail in the end, somehow, they do. you lived a difficult life, I know, but you never let that get you down. you took beatings with a grin, and dished back kindness in return. inequality and injustice made you outraged, and you strove to assist the hurting and abused. oh shining dragon, you are bathed in golden light. please keep being true. you have tasted blood and death, but you refused to force it down the throats of others. and that alone proves there is inchor in your veins, demigod. you will be struggling until the very end, battling for your comrades, your people, and yourself. never lose sight of your goal my dear. sometimes you needn't have one, except see the good, and protect it. that is all my advice can tell you. I implore, protect the goodness in yourself with everything you have, but never refuse to share it also. young hero, you are growing. you are destined for wonders even I may not live long enough to encounter. keep up the good work, and keep your head held high. you are bound to do the impossible, all because you see the truth. there is good in the world, and it deserves to be found.

[littledreamingirl19]

I feel insecure again, after everything that happened, after feeling not only my heart break, but my entire body and soul break into such tiny, sharp pieces, I didn't have the courage to speak or expose anything of what I felt, because I felt like I was losing a battle, all my fears and insecurities came true in less than a few hours, I was deceived and I myself deceived myself into thinking that everything was going well, when deep down I knew something was wrong since November, no, in fact, since my first suspicion and I was deceived into believing that I was seeing things that I didn't have, when in fact I had everything and more. I should have followed my intuition, and when I finally did, I found what I knew I would find, I thought I would be protected by foreseeing something bad, but the pain was excruciating, I bled for days on end, and this wound didn't closed completely, it's still bleeding through all the cloths I put over it to try to stop it and continue my journey, I just don't know how long I'll be able to keep changing these cloths. I thought I would never get to the point of committing suicide again, but there I was, swallowing everything bad I could and then spilling out almost part of my organs. I wanted to disappear, I wanted the pain to disappear, I wanted to no longer have to feel pain that I knew I didn't deserve. I kept thinking: What did I do? Am I paying for my past life sins? Is this my eternal karma? Am I going to have to continue this cycle of pain and suffering without even knowing why?

It seems that nothing allows me to get out of this hole, this whirlpool of loneliness, despair and sadness. Everything that I cultivate with so much love just dies or ends up poisoning me, becoming a weapon against myself.

I was abused in so many ways, physically and psychologically, I can't trust anyone to reach out to me, because when I finally open up and give myself completely, I am betrayed, whether by friends, by romantic partners, or by family...

I hate having in my mind that maybe I'm not enough, that all my effort is always in vain and I start to doubt every little detail, every change in tone of voice, every different writing, or maybe the The time it takes to become present in my life, do you know why? Because these were the signs that made me sound the red light that something was wrong. I can no longer convince myself of what is real or not, and I start blaming myself when I think that I should control that person, I think horrible things to make that person miserable, but in the end, it all doesn't do any good. What's the point in asking for your passwords if you can just make a new one? What's the point of controlling your contacts if you can have another type of chat app? What's the point of looking for evidence if distrust will continue to be the elephant in the room?

Nothing will be enough, I'll continue to feel like a fool, thinking I'm just another person who forgives you out of love, another one on your list. And the voices will continue saying that everything I give you from my body you will be spreading around, showing your friends, who knows, making money from it, while I'm here, fighting for a fake relationship just for the sake of interest.

My love has made me a prisoner, no matter how much all this goes through my head, I still want to have faith and believe that there is a chance for redemption, that your remorse was true, that I am not being a puppet that will soon be discarded. .. Do you realize everything you caused me? Can you handle it? I think maybe this is just a big joke, that I'm the clown in this whole circus.

My social phobia only got worse after that, I'm afraid to leave the house, I'm having more hallucinations than usual, as if they were watching me, as if predators wanted to devour me and touch my body. I feel filthy every day. I didn't deserve all this again.

I force myself to get out of this mud, I sleep thinking about positive things and I wake up trying to repeat the same things so that I can find a value in myself, a value that I placed in others above myself, and this is a mistake that does not I will never commit again. I may become selfish, but this value will be recognized by me and whoever I pass along the way.

[skadee17]

VI- Incandescent Glow

I had decided to have lunch at the ranch cafeteria after a busy morning. As I grabbed a tray, my gaze was drawn to a man sitting at a table in the back of the room. It was the man who had made inappropriate advances towards me the day before. His face bore numerous bruises, and I felt a knot form in my stomach as I understood what might have happened.

While I searched for a place to sit, my eyes met Troy's. There was determination and anger in his eyes, but also something deeper, something more profound. A shiver ran down my spine as I realized that Troy knew I had noticed the man's injuries and was aware that I understood he was behind it all.

I sat at a nearby table, close to Nick and Alicia, unable to take my eyes off Troy. Despite the physical distance between us, it seemed like he could read my thoughts. A silent tension settled between us, charged with emotions and implications.

While I continued to gaze at Troy, he made a slight, almost imperceptible nod, as if signaling me not to say anything, to leave things as they were. A sense of mutual understanding seemed to arise between us, an unspoken agreement that this conversation would remain unsaid, at least for the moment.

I felt a wave of conflicting emotions wash over me as I finally looked away. I knew this situation was not resolved, that there were unanswered questions. But for now, I chose to respect the silence between Troy and me, realizing that sometimes, some stories must remain buried, at least until they are ready to be revealed.

"Your attention, please. I wanted to talk to you about Outpost Alpha. McCarthy and his unit have been gone for 36 hours, and we still have no news. There could be a hundred possible scenarios, the first 99 not being alarming, but we always need to prepare for the worst. My son, Troy, will go and see what's going on, but we need volunteers," Jeremiah concluded.

Men raised their hands to volunteer after Jeremiah called them, and I saw my mother raise her hand as well. Nick and Alicia didn't understand why she was doing that, and I must admit, neither did I. It was a dangerous mission, and if something happened to them, my mother would have to rely on the militia, and I didn't trust them.

My mother headed towards our house to pack her bag for the expedition; we followed, the three of us, without a word. Once the whole family was in the cabin, Nick began:

"You can't go, Mom, it's too dangerous!" 

"I have to go, alright? We need to help here," she explained. 

"But not like this! We can help in many different ways, but this, this is madness, Mom!" I exclaimed.

 "Bella's right, Mom. I don't trust these people," added Alicia. 

"Listen, my decision is made, and I won't go back on it. Nothing will happen to me, I promise you," she insisted. 

"Mom, please," I said, worried. 

"It's decided, I'll be back; we leave tomorrow, it'll be fine."

She hugged the three of us and repeated that everything would be alright and that she would come back.

A few hours later:

The peaceful silence of the cabin was abruptly shattered by the incandescent glow of flames that engulfed the night sky and the desperate screams of the inhabitants. The ranch, once a haven of peace, was now in the grip of frantic activity, desperately trying to contain the fire that had engulfed a small isolated cottage on top of the hill.

"What's happening?" Luciana asked.

 "I'll go check," replied Nick. 

"Where's Alicia?" my mother worried.

 "At her Bible study," I affirmed. 

"Wait for us, Nick; we're coming!"

Awakened by the screams, we ran straight towards the fire. Troy and his men rushed to fight the blaze. Buckets of water were thrown in vain at the ravenous flames, battling against a fire that seemed insatiable.

Anxious and determined to save anyone who might be trapped, I ventured dangerously close to the flames, ignoring the warnings of caution.

Troy, alerted by my movements, rushed towards me, firmly grabbing my arm before I could get any closer. "Stop, Bella, you can't go there, are you crazy?" he exclaimed, his voice tinged with concern and firmness.

With a pounding heart, I tried to free myself from Troy's grip. "I have to go see! They might still be in there!" referring to the old couple.

Troy shook his head gravely. "It's too dangerous, Bella. We can't risk more lives."

Helpless, I watched the cottage, flames dancing around it, while the rest of the group tried to keep the fire under control. A heaviness settled on my heart, anticipating the horrible truth that would follow. Jeremiah decided to call it quits and save water; unfortunately, the couple was gone; they had passed away together, in life and in death. Sadness and desolation were evident on everyone's faces. The loss of these lives in a world already devastated by tragedy was unbearable.

I stood there, watching the flames rage on the cottage, families had left, not wanting to witness this horror show any longer. A few remained; Jack, Troy, Nick, and I, stayed in front of the flames without a word. We shared a moment of silent mourning, linked by the pain of this heartbreaking loss, our differences momentarily erased by the cruel reality of life in this apocalyptic world."

[love-to-learn]

Night mares and horses, all around

Night mares and horses, all around

Flesh I sold by the pound

Alone, and all dark, I would sit

Harming myself to feel like shit

Keeping my feelings on a shelf

To then take them down to hate myself

In the mirror man becomes child

Horrors of the past on my back I piled

This had to end or I would die

A little more each day no reason why

Talk to someone anyone I pleaded

Within me there was courage needed

I searched in vain for the seed of hope

Ground hog day at the end of a rope

I found like souls who would hear me

The truth is tragic but sets me free

They are me and I am they

All of us seem to be in pain this way

Tears of rage and pain and sorrows

Yesterdays are today and tomorrows 

The past is past but always near

When that past is filled with fear

The hurt springs up on a daily basis

I scream for an end or an oasis

Just a place where I can't find me

A place where pain won't remind me

Of the losing hand that I was dealt

Of the loneliness and horror that I've felt

Revealing the truth to a trusted friend

Can help this broken vessel mend

Digging deep into The Pit I went

Dredging up the soul capital I had spent

The man in the mirror grew strong that day

The love of the listener I can never repay

He and they gave me my life

I love that man and his wonderful wife

There were others who eased my sorrows

And allowed my past to not dictate my tomorrows

I don't live there any longer

This makes my today so much stronger

The past is gone and never to return

From it there are lessons to learn

Feelings are just that and are not facts

The past is gone even the acts

Pain has no memory if left to itself

I have decided to leave mine on the shelf

The man in the mirror looks back at me

He sees what is and not what will be

He is built from everything it seems

The good the bad and the fever dreams

The rock I have dropped

The fever has stopped

The past and future will not decide

From today I will not hide.

I wake each day, to just that day

Not to trains I must catch or bills I must pay

There are many things that have to be done

But, right now I can savor the peace I have won

Not a shiny penny or anything loud

Just a person that is not alone in a crowd

The wounds have healed and left a scar

The man in the mirror has traveled far

The distance was not measured in miles

It was measured in human trials

The hand I was dealt was dealt long ago

It is the past that I have let go

I have come through the fire I am alive

The man in the mirror is able to thrive

To go on each day and find wonder and joy

To not cry tears for that damaged little boy

Good people have made me this way

The man in the mirror is going to be okay

I hope this rhyme finds you well

It has helped me escape my hell

[thefanficmonster]

I'm really really sorry if I'm bothering you rn but I just needed this atm

Could you please make a Amigops x Reader who just lost their closest family due to cancer? And that they were doing good but at the last moment they just died?

I'll take anything rn

- With love Kiabelle

PD: Please take care of yourself

Hello darling! Please never, and I mean ever think you're bothering me or anything along those lines. I'm always happy to hear from you and fulfill a request of yours. I'm really sorry if you or anyone who sees this post has had to lose someone to this horrible disease. 💔

Pairing: Amigops & Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Mentions of death in the family and battle with cancer

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

- Your friends knew something was seriously wrong when you stopped replying to their messages and answering their calls

- You had skipped out on a few streams at that point but with your day job and everything it wasn't anything new

- Thing is, you didn't tell them exactly why because it hurt too bad

- The more people knew about it the more real it seemed so you just wanted to keep it to yourself and grieve it out in your own time and comfort zone before confronting the outside world which you were certain would come with a ton of questions as well as reassurance and comforting words that, while appreciated, you knew would do little to soothe the ache in your heart

- You simply hadn't yet dealt with the fact that you had lost them

- Someone who's been a part of your life since day one and who knows you better than anyone else

- Someone you could rely on to listen to you, trust you, give you advice

- Someone who you saw and still see as a hero, a fighter who you were sure would win the battle against this horrible disease that took over their life out of the blue

- You were certain they'd come out of that duel victorious and cancer free

- Until you received the phone call informing you that they've lost

- That they took an unexpected hit that they couldn't recover from

- And the world moved on, which aggravated you in a way you knew wasn't healthy but you couldn't help it

- You couldn't help envying the people who walked on by and had no idea that someone so important had been wiped from this world, a heart of gold is no longer beating

- You couldn't handle it

- A week into your grieving, you receive a phone call

- Having been woken up by it from a nap and with your eyes blurred and stinging from all the exhausting crying, you misread the caller ID

- And so, you answered

- It was a group call with Corpse, Rae, Sykkuno and Toast

- But you didn't know that

- "Hey Mae, don't worry about me, really. I'm fine....really. I'm still processing it all...I just need time, ok? Don't worry, I'll be alright."

- There was a beat of silence that confused you but you remained patient

- And that's when Rae's voice came in through from the other end

- "Y/N? Is everything ok?"

- The realization of the mistake you've made hits you instantly

- But still doesn't hit you as hard as the question and the thought that resurfaces in your head

- They have no idea...

- "No!" You could no longer hold back, not when you've been crying by yourself all this time, always without a shoulder to lean on or arms to wrap around you

- And so you let it all out, content with the comforting silence that's replaced the aforementioned expected but vain words

- Over-valued words

- "I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry to burst like that, guys. I'm sorry I'm such a downer." You said after gathering enough control of your voice

- It felt good to get the weight off your chest, but the way that made you feel guilty was also unbearable and you knew it was wrong too

- And your friends are quick to confirm that

- "Y/N, don't apologize, we're your friends." Rae says with a sniffle too.

- Yes, you managed to make her tear up but she's holding herself well for your sake and the others' too

- "That's what we're here for. For whatever you need and whenever you need it." Corpse adds

- "Wish you would've told us sooner so it wouldn't have all built up like this." Toast also speaks up

- "Yeah, I mean, we're not professionals, but we would've done our best to help." Sykkuno backs him up

- "We love you, Y/N and we never want you to feel like you can't turn to us or rely on us." Rae tells you soothingly

- "And whatever emotion is weighing on you, you can always express to us." Corpse reassures

- "There's not much we can do with the distance and it can make a person feel helpless being miles and miles away from a friend in need of help or support but..." Toast trails off

- "We'll always try to do something, even if it isn't much." Sykkuno catches his line and finishes it for him

- The pit in your chest has now been filled with warmth, making you question why you hadn't turned to them sooner indeed

- Of course, the pain is still there, but it's numbed, even if only a bit

- To know that there's people who, metaphorically or not, would wrap their arms around you and let you cry on their shoulder is one of the best painkillers

- And the best heartbreak medication

- "You've already done more than enough, guys. I can't express how grateful I am." You sniffle, wiping your damp eyes and cheeks with the sleeve of your hoodie

- Only four words are on your mind, so you say them: "I love you guys."

- "We love you too, Y/N."

[shiinata-library]

Arthur, at your service! [2/8]

PART 1 // PART 2 // PART 3 // ...

Relationships: Thorin x You (Modern girl in Middle Earth)

Content: Fluff, angst, rated T

Summary: You come from our world and arrive just before the quest for Erebor. You will accompany the company pretending to be a boy, yell at Thorin and all of Durin's heirs will survive.

On AO3    -    Version française

Chapter 2: Erebor

It’s already too late. When you arrive in Erebor, Thorin seems already affected by the same sickness as his grandfather. Throughout the quest you have tried not to get too attached to the company in case you would return home once Erebor will be taken over by the dwarves. Yet, your heart sinks at the sight of his severe, stern, dark face. He barely speaks to you both when you arrive with Bofur. On the other hand, the others are safe and happy to see you. Bifur and Bombur immediately throw themselves into Bofur's arms.

You ask Bilbo to lock the door and approach you. With your bandage on your chest in addition to your bra, there is nothing to hide. He gives a questioning look to Óin who answers him with a sigh.

Shortly after your arrival, Óin takes you aside to a room to check on your wound. It still doesn’t seem to be healed but it’s on the right track. And that's good because you've lost your elven balm while fleeing from Laketown!

Sitting on a makeshift bed, you have no time to hide when Bilbo enters the room. After closing the door behind him, he sees you and stammers apologizes. He stammers especially since he now has proof that you are a woman. Your secret will not last long at this rate!

The hobbit nods to you and you smile at him. Óin lets you get dressed before you open the door and leave. Before Bilbo leaves the room, you close the door. He looks at you worriedly, but it's time to have a chat with the hobbit. You lock the door and invite him to sit down.

- “A-are you a woman?!” he asks, as if still trying to convince himself.

- “Yes, I'm sorry I lied to you ... But Thorin would never have let me come if he had known.”

- "Nobody would have let you come with us, lassie," Óin says, getting up to gather his things.

- “Please Bilbo, don't tell anyone …”

You explain to him that you are from another world, that you know what is going to happen, and you reassure him that you are on his side. His face becomes even more worried. When you see him put his hand in his pocket, you smile at him. You don't want to scare him and he has to believe you.

Seeing him hesitate and on the defensive, you try something. There is only one way he'll believe you: the ring.

- "I know it's hard to believe. Only you know. Maybe Gandalf guessed it, but I didn't tell him about it."

- "It's more than hard to believe ..."

- “Because the thing you stole from Gollum in the Goblin Cave seems easy to believe?”

He jumps and his eyes widen. He is about to leave but you grab his arm gently, smiling at him.

The hobbit's face softens and his muscles relax. You smile at him again to reassure him.

- “I won't take it from you. Never. There is no way I can touch that. If I have decided to tell you everything, it is for one reason. I trust you and I know you have the Arkenstone.”

- "I-I won't give it to Thorin," he still stutters suspiciously.

- “Bilbo, calm down. I won't do anything to you. I have no weapons and I have a wound in my arm.”

You try to keep smiling to reassure him, but it's not easy. The idea of facing this mad dwarf terrifies you. Throughout the journey, you tried to find a way to bring him to his senses before the orcs attacked, but in vain.

- “I wish you would get out with the Arkenstone as quickly as possible. I know you are planning to give it to Bard and the Elven King. It's a good idea, but the sooner the better. An army of orcs will arrive soon ... But above all, don't come back. Please promise me to stay with Gandalf.”

- “What about Thorin? What are you going to do? He's not himself anymore... It's getting worse.”

- “I don't know…, you sigh. I will improvise.”

Bilbo gets up and puts his hand on your shoulder. Your gaze turns to him. He hands you his closed fist. You reach out your hand under his and see a small acorn fall into your hand. Tears come to your eyes. You aren’t the sentimental type but here you realize now the story is starting to change. You can do it!

You smile at him and wipe the few tears. Bilbo leaves to open the door. Barely open, Fíli and Kíli rush to ask for your news.

- “I-I can't accept, Bilbo! You-”

- “You will give it back to me when it's all over. Promise?”

- “I promise you.”

- “Why were you two locked up ?” Kíli asks.

- “We had to talk man to man,” you say, resuming your deep voice.

.

You exit the room and the hobbit smiles at you as the two nephews ask to tell about the Smaug attack in Laketown.

That same evening, Bilbo leaves.

It failed. Thorin has absolutely not changed. It would have been too easy ...

The next day, Bard arrives at the gates of Erebor. He isn’t alone as Gandalf and Bilbo are also with him. You stay near the dwarves to see their reactions. You hope this modification in the story will change Thorin's behaviour.

Bard is asking for the gold share for humans. Of course, Thorin refuses. When the human then shows the Arkenstone and asks to exchange it for gold, Thorin becomes furious. He yells at the hobbit so much that Gandalf intervenes.

When you look at Thorin, Balin turns his gaze on you. He must be suspecting something, but now is not the time to screw it up! You turn your gaze to the Arkenstone.

Thorin changes interlocutor and turns to Bard. He tells him that he will never give him his gold and orders him to leave.

You think about it until the evening. Most of the dwarves are already asleep since they no longer need to search for the Arkenstone. You think back to the solution you told Bilbo: improvisation. Tomorrow, Thranduil arrives and the Orcs shortly after.

Thorin leaves without saying anything more and the other dwarves, shocked or disappointed by his behaviour, leave. You watch Bard, Gandalf and Bilbo set off towards Dale on horseback.

What to do now? You must act quickly. If you talk to Balin and Dwalin, they surely won't take into account what you're going to tell them or they just won't believe you. And it's Thorin who needs to be awakened. Not them.

When you get to the throne room, Thorin is there. You are alone with him, it's perfect!

Thorin notices your presence when you are a few meters away from him. He is even darker and duller than before. His eyes are full of hatred and fatigue. Dressed like a king but walking like a vulture, he pains you. It is out of the question to leave him that way. You must save him! After a few seconds of observation, you jump when he speaks.

- “What do you want, human?”

Great, he already forgot who you are. Still a long way to go...

His voice echoes throughout the room. Your legs are ready to shake and your throat tightens. This is not the time for weakness! You take your courage in both hands and you start.

- “It's me, Arthur. Do you remember me? The one who protects Kíli during the escape from Mirwood. Oh you even lent me your coat when it got really cold!”

- "Don't make me repeat my question!" he says, raising his voice and turning to you.

Nothing matters now. If you have to tell him everything to wake him up, you will; even if it means assuming the consequences.

- “Thorin, you need to pull yourself together. Give the gold to the humans. They aren’t against you.”

- “It’s out of the question”.

- “Thranduil will arrive in Dale tomorrow. He will be on the humans’ side,” you continue, seeing Thorin looking you in the eye without saying anything. “And in a few days, an army of orcs will arrive!”

Thorin's gaze changes while he is hearing you talk about his cousin. He stands up and takes a few steps towards you. You don't run away, but it isn’t that you don’t want to. The one in front of you is not the Thorin you travelled with.

- “An army of orcs? Lies!”

- “These are not lies!” you shout, clenching your fists. “Azog and Bolg arrive with an army! And your cousin Dáin won’t be able to help you. Neither against the elves, nor against the orcs! You need to ally with elves and humans right now!”

The Durin's heir approaches you with a determined step. Determined to what? You don't have time to find out because Balin and Dwalin stand between you and him. Thorin's footsteps stop but his gaze is still fixed on you, and it is far from friendly. You sigh but keep staring back.

- “Thorin, listen to me-”

- “No, you listen to me!” he yells. “Nobody gives me orders! So, a weakling like you won't tell me what to do. We will stay here and defend Erebor from anyone who wants to take it!”

Fortunately for you, Dwalin doesn’t react. You only have one solution left. You sigh. He is going to kill you, but at least you'll have tried everything.

- “I know you aren’t going to believe me but I’m from another world, “you begin, feeling Balin and Dwalin turn their gaze towards you. “Without explaining further, I can swear if you don't come to your senses, you will die. You and your nephews! Azog will kill Fíli in front of your eyes at Ravenhill after sending him to explore. Then Bolg will kill Kíli and then Azog will kill you on a frozen lake! Is that what you want ?!”

- “Lies!” he says, gritting his teeth. “I never want to see you again! Dwalin, get him out of here!”

- “Thorin, look at you. You are making the same mistake as your grandfather! This gold is driving you mad. You don't even recognize the people around you. The Arkenstone isn’t worth losing so much life! What would your parents say if they saw you like this?”

Thorin's gaze grows more furious than ever. Balin and Dwalin look at you, wide-eyed, surprised at what you are saying. You continue without stopping.

- “You yourself have lost a lot of lives because of this madness! What would your sister say if she saw you right now? What will she say when she learns of Kili and Fili's death? They will die in the middle of a battle like your brother! And what would Frerin say if he saw you like that?!”

Thorin rushes at you, violently pushing aside the other two dwarves. He grabs you by the collar. He tightens your jacket and lifts you off the ground. His anger is so strong he can’t speak.

- “Shut up or I'll kill you …”

Thorin growls when you place your hands on his. You no longer have the strength to shout and it won't be useful anyway. You try a few last words. You take a sharp and confident tone.

- “The Thorin we travelled with could be a great king. You aren’t like your grandfather. Don’t let this madness destroy your family and your people once again. All this gold isn’t worth your life and those of your nephews …”

- “Dwalin, throw him in a dungeon and make sure he never gets out. It's an order.”

You are only waiting for one thing: he is going to throw you into the void. There is no way you will survive such a fall. Maybe you will return to your world?

You have no regrets. You don't know what else to do. Thorin squeezes his hands and throws you to the ground with all his strength.

After his order, he turns on his heels and leaves without even looking at his two friends. “Maybe falling into the void was a better option…” you think to yourself as Dwalin helps you stand up. He and Balin don't look like they want to execute the order of their future king. You tell them to take you to the dungeon. You don't want them to have problems because of you. They must be by Thorin's side during the battle.

.

Erebor’s dungeons are as cold as the Misty Mountains’ caves. Icy, dry and windowless. Sitting on a very old straw mattress, you look around the room. Even though you have no way of knowing what time it is, you can sense the time has passed and you can't fall asleep. The cold, the anxiety of battle, the slow death that awaits you keeps you awake.

If you weren't drowsy, you will say you heard someone say your name. Your real name. You jump when you see Bilbo in front of your cell door. He had to stay with Gandalf, that idiot! You sigh at his sad and embarrassed look. He hands you two blankets, food and water.

You take advantage of Bilbo being in front of you to explain in detail what will happen: the arrival of Dáin, the army of orcs and the death of Durin's heirs. He needs to talk to Gandalf but also to Fíli and Kíli if Thorin doesn't come to his senses. The hobbit promises you. You don't have time to give him his acorn back as he leaves as quietly as he came.

- “We put together what we could with Óin. We’re sorry we can’t do better …”

- “This is already a lot, thank you. But you shouldn't be there. If Thorin sees you, he'll throw you off the ramparts …”

- “He was the one I came to see. I need to talk to him.”

- “Well, good luck! You see where this has taken me.”

- “Balin explained to me what happened last night. You were very brave,” he smiles embarrassedly.

- “I'm not sure brave is really the right word …”

..

.

Time passes and you have no way of knowing what is going on outside. Frustrated at being locked in while you are sure the battle is ongoing, you try to stay awake and ration yourself in food and water to last as long as possible. But the time comes when you have nothing left.

Now may be the time for you to say goodbye to Middle-earth. You eventually succumb to fatigue and fall asleep curled up in the blankets.

You hardly open your eyes. The ceiling is a little bright, more than your old cell. You feel you are in a rather comfortable bed. That's it, you’re back home?

You hear voices in the distance resembling those of Kíli, Óin and Bilbo. You close your eyes to regain your strength.

It's not a movie. You are still in Middle-earth, in a bedroom in Erebor. You slowly sit up using your forearms. Óin rushes towards you and holds your back.

- “Who started the hobbit on TV?” you whisper. “You can turn it down, I have a headache …”

- “Started the hobbit? Who would start a hobbit? Start what?” Bilbo asks, who you recognize when you open your eyes.

- “On TV?” Kíli question. “Has he lost his mind?”

Kíli smiles and winks at you. All the stress accumulated since your arrival in this quest subsides. You have never cried regardless of the events but now you crack. Your eyes quickly fill with tears. You can’t stop them from running down your cheeks. You try to hide your face with your hands as much as you can. Kíli and Bilbo rush towards you, worried.

- “Easy, lassie. You are suffering from dehydration.”

- “How are you feeling?” Bilbo asks.

- “The battle is over?” you ask, staring at Kíli.

- “A-are you alright?” Kíli panics, sitting up on the bed and putting his hand on your shoulder. “Are you hurt somewhere?”

- “N-no, I'm fine,” you try to articulate. “I was so worried. And I couldn't do anything …”

- "Maybe she's still in shock," Bilbo explains.

- “Yes,” Óin confirms. “She still needs to rest.”

- “She? She who?” Kíli freezes.

Hearing Kíli, you suddenly lift your head. Your panicked gaze goes from Bilbo to Óin, ending up on Kíli. His eyes and his mouth wide open, he realizes you are a woman. He pulls his hand back from your shoulder as if it had just burned him. He's not the kind of person who knows how to keep a secret. And anyway, the others would have learned it eventually.

You try to justify yourself, but Óin hands you a glass of water to calm you down and rehydrate you. You drink it all at once. When you start talking again, the bedroom door opens and Gandalf enters followed by Fíli and Bofur.

Still shocked, Kíli turns to his brother who hasn’t taken his eyes off you. Fíli looks very surprised but he tries not to show it. As for Bofur, he smiles kindly at you, as if it didn't matter. The longer the silence continues, the more awkward the situation becomes. You sigh and look away.

- “Finally awake!” Gandalf exclaims with a smile. “We were starting to worry. How are you?”

- “I'm fine. Everything is done? The battle is over?” you ask Gandalf as you quickly dry any remaining tears. “Are Azog and Bolg dead?”

- “Yes. And I understand it was thanks to you that Durin's heirs are still alive.”

- “I have nothing-”

- “One minute, there is more important there,” Kíli begins. “DID YOU ALL KNOW IT WAS A WOMAN?!”

- “Yes of course,” the magician confirms. And now all of Erebor knows …”

- “Um, I only told Óin and Bilbo …”

- “We should let him, um, her rest,” Bofur intervenes with an embarrassed smile.

- “No one can. For years I have been here and I never heard of such an event. You must find your place in this world from now on.”

They all agree with him and start to leave. You ask Gandalf to stay for a chat.

You explain to him that you came from another world, without giving too much detail. He seems surprised. He suspected there was something different about you, but not to that extent. So it's no surprise he tells you he doesn't know of any way to send you home.

Gandalf apologizes and leaves the room. You let yourself fall on your pillow. There is worse than Middle-earth, and Durin's heirs are alive, but you can't help but feel sad that you can't return to where you came from. Whether you like it or not, whether people cry for you or not, this was your world and now you are certain you will never be able to return to it.

.

- “Everyone is well? Was no one in the company seriously injured in the battle?”

The next day, you leave your room, hoping not to meet the one who locked you in your cell. With everything you told him, Thorin will chase you out of Erebor as soon as he sees you, even if he is himself again.

You walk to a room where you can have your breakfast. When you enter, all the company dwarves in the room are silent. They analyse you from head to toe. You are still wearing your men's clothes and the dwarves seem to be whispering to each other. The information you are a woman quickly circulated ...

Bilbo beckons you to join him at the end of the table and Bombur hands you a full plate with a smile. The whispering continues so you try to break the ice.

Some are watching you and others are avoiding your gaze. The silence continues until Fili answers you.

In front of Dwalin's anger, you continue to eat without saying anything. It’s really lucky you are still alive with everything that has happened. He's right so why keep arguing? His brother gently taps him on the back to calm him down and he addresses you calmly.

- “Everyone is fine. We are all hurt but nothing serious… Thanks to you.”

- “N-no, I didn't do anything. Except yelling at Thorin …”

- “Are you really a woman?” Dwalin asks firmly.

- “Ah um. Yes. I'm sorry to conceal it from you. But if I had told you, you would never have let me follow you, right?”

- “Obviously!” Dwalin shout. “This quest was too dangerous for you!”

After this discussion, the dwarves seem more relaxed and breakfast continues. Bilbo gives you a warm smile, which you return to him.

- "What my brother wants to tell you, and I think everyone does, is that we're sorry we didn't notice you were a woman," Balin explains. “We should never have put you in danger, let alone left you in a cell for several days.”

- “Thank you, Balin, but man or woman, I'm still the same person,” you say, looking at them all. “But I would understand if you have a hard time accepting it. I wouldn't blame you if you decided not to talk to me anymore or even to hate me …”

- “WHAT?” Fíli and Kíli exclaim at the same time.

- "We just blame each other for the way we treated you," Fíli says. “You are a woman and we let you sleep outside, face the gobelins and the orcs …”

- “We feel stupid not to have seen anything and to have left you in the dungeon,” his brother continues.

- “I already know you are idiots, don’t worry!’ you smile. “You've proven it to me more than once during this quest!”

.....

>>> PART 3 

[probably-haven]

Hello!! After seeing what you wrote about xiaoven fics I went to see what things you usually write and omg, your archon Venti headcanons????? I am absolutely in love. So if it isn't annoying, could you talk about xiaoven or Venti or Xiao or whatever ship or character you like? I don't care what you are going to say, I just want to know more about your thoughts ^^

I- is this... bestie, this is essentially a free ramble pass- kerujsgheskdfug. Trust me when I say that in no way is this, and in no way will it ever be annoying in the slightest- i literally- lets just say rambling off thoughts is kind of my specialty, especially when provided a topic to branch off of because otherwise I'm just- really indecisive about it so- iujskdh yeah- 100% definitely down to talk about Venti, Xiao, and/or Xiaoven XD. Also, yes- it may have been awhile since i last posted one(cuz again, indecisive about which direction to take part 5), but the Archon War Era Venti headcanons are still without a doubt my favorite posts I've made. It's just such an interesting topic with such endless potential that so few people actually think about or consider or even realize is there, so i always just get really psyched whenever i see someone interact with them lol.

.... this ended up being a bit of a mess: warning in advance

Anyway! onto the actual content!

- You see the thing about Xiaoven is that there's a lot of different ways that it could end up working out, and just personally my favorite way of portraying Xiaoven in my mind is as an unlabeled relationship because if anyone in genshin would give off that vibe its these two. And a number of other reasons.

- Firstly, I heavily headcanon Venti as being an aroace polyplatonic or perhaps heavily demiromantic. However, regardless of this I just don't think that Venti is really the kind of person to worry about how he should label his feelings, thinking it's silly to try to put them in one box or the other, especially with feelings and emotions being as fluid as they are in general. Plus it fits his whole God of Freedom vibe. I just- dont think he's the biggest fan of labels or social categorization in general.

- And secondly on the hand of Xiao... his defense mechanisms are very much ingrained in his personality. It's probably hard enough for him to not go into fight or flight(the answer is fight) at the slightest affection at first, at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. Even further down the line, with his fierce dedication to Liyue, I cant help but get the vibe that the moment he recognized that he was falling for Venti he would begin avoiding him, not only to avoid distraction from his duty, but to avoid corrupting him or losing him in general like he has with like basically every other person he gets close with(even believing that the cycle had repeated once more when he first heard of Morax's death)... now imagine Venti tryna slap a label on their relationship and tell me Xiao would have a positive reaction.

- The thing with Xiaoven.... honestly, i feel like theres more ways that it can go wrong than it can go right, but if they do manage to make their relationship work out, it's just simply beautiful in all terms of the word.

- Lets talk about killing. - During the Archon War, both were forced to kill a large number of people and gods alike- Venti out of a need to remain alive to protect Mondstadt, it's freedom, and the nameless bard's legacy by extent- and Xiao out of servitude to the god that was once his master

..... actually- break here- ive talked a lot about Venti on this blog but I havent actually spoken about Xiao all that much- so i should probably do that a bit first... do note though that my characterization of Xiao is pretty flexible actually- this is just- the possible characterization of him that i tend to favor as being the most- uh- "realistically complex"

-

Theres a line I saw this one time in a certain story: "He is a trained weapon. That's what he is, was, and always will be. You cannot change that so stop trying." And i just- think its a really interesting concept- that applies pretty well to Xiao now that i actually think about it. - the concept behind it is this: After spending more than a vast majority of his life killing or otherwise in battle, it's become a part of who he is, a normalcy that after centuries and centuries would be near impossible to get rid of or reverse, and even if it was possible, with his karmic debt constantly eating away at him its unlikely he has enough time left for that to happen. - it sounds like a cruel thing to say about him- but in context it's actually pretty layered and i think about it a lot. It's not as much a "he's a killer lol, that his whole personality" its more of a "The centuries of trauma he experienced have conditioned him into a constantly alert and battle ready mindset while also shaping his dehumanizing inferior-in-worth-but-superior-in-capability view of himself that would have likely been necessary to get through those time, and at this point he's been under that conditioning for long enough that it's essentially ingrained itself in his personality."

- the main idea is- it's a part of who he is, that needs to be accepted as who he is because its not something that he can just up and change. It's not all he is of course but his constant battle mode, as though always waiting to be ambushed or to be granted a new target to eradicate.

a couple character story quotes:

-"His past of service under the evil god had rid Xiao of his innocence and gentleness. All that remained within him was the means to kill and the weight of his sins. The only way he could be of service to mortals was in combat." -"Xiao does not feel any hatred. Having lived for over two thousand years, no single karmic debt constitutes anything more than a fleeting memory. No grudge can last a thousand years; nor is any debt so great that it cannot be paid off in this time. Xiao has spent many long years alone. But his battles have never been in vain." -"where did Xiao have to return to? He was merely leaving the battlefield." -"since Xiao wages a constant war against dark forces powerful enough to devour Liyue in its entirety, any bystanders who witness him in the heat of battle are likely to end up as collateral damage." -"The war he fights can never be won, and will never come to an end." -"Because ultimately, the one with whom Xiao wrestles is himself."

i feel like at some point this very nearly did consume his whole personality, almost turning him into nothing more than a being of slaughter under Morax's control, devoid of any "humanity" at all, consumed and corrupted by his karmic debt like his fellow yakshas before him. - until he experienced a moment of clarity- a song in the wind, the peaceful melody of a dihua flute. - and pulled back from the border of something he wouldnt have been able to return from, there a was a shift in his mind- a concept grown unfamiliar enough with time that it took him a great time to identify what it was; a curiosity. Something that there was no place for on the battlefield, something that by all means should have been completely useless to Xiao, and yet he held onto that curiosity, slowly regaining over time, a sense of who he was and who he could choose to be with each song that the wind chose to carry towards him every once in a blue moon.

and eventually that curiousity turned to longing. Longing "for a day to come when he will wear the mask and dance — not to conquer demons, but to the tune of that flute amid a sea of flowers"

...... uh- heh- if you couldn’t tell already i have a tendency to make my characterizations/analyses of characters more serious that i probably should. 

to summarize: Xiao is constantly toeing the line between his ingrained nature and his humanity- almost as though still trying to decide how much of that humanity he deserves to have, how much he is allowed to have, and how much is safe to have.

^looking back after writing this, i think the best way to explain it is that this is the view that i keep in mind/the lense that i tend to most enjoy looking through and refering back to while examining and/or analyzing his character, actions, story, lines, and overall personality.

idk- i kinda got off track but i just think its a really interesting interpretation to think about because it has some really interesting implications ig- it’s not the full extent of how i view him of course, but i kinda got ahead of myself and its long enough as is so ill just elaborate as i go- Lol i actually have in progress playlists for both him and venti and just- vibes- i could ramble about the playlists alone for hours explaining everything... It’s probably a problem- uh- ill keep going now lol.

anyways! stepping off the angst path for a brief break! Brought to you by their lines in the snow: both waiting for it to get thick enough, Venti for the purpose of a snowball fight and Xiao for the purpose of a tasty and nutritious breakfast.

but its actually something of note that Xiao doesnt actually need to eat so anything he does eat is usually out of obligation or enjoyment- so like.... snow.... like i dont blame him, but of all things- an adeptus who refuses to eat basically anything but almond tofu looks at the freezing-cold-floor-water that yeeted itself from above and decided at some point- damn- that seems more edible than basically ever single actually edible thing ever.... im gonna eat it- like- im glad if eating snow makes him happy but- at the same time...

He probably convinces Venti to eat snow too though and Venti wouldnt even resist I mean he’s wind and has probably consumed worse things in his time so- 2 anemo cryptids with glowing tattoos sitting in Dragonspine monching snow in the dead of night is an amusing thought to me.

- kay, now back to more serious-toned thoughts

One of the things about the ship that i really like is the different contradicting parallels between them:

A lot of how i view Xiao’s character is someone formed largely by the things he cant control and who was forced to accept that accepted that and learned to thrive in it as much as he can.  Venti on the other hand is surrounded by things he cant control and is ever adapting to control as much as he can while embracing whatever he cant as being part of the unpredictability of the world, seeing beauty in it. 

both of them have lost people and do what they do to honor their memory: Xiao continues to do what the Yakshas once did And Venti chooses to do what his friend couldn’t

Xiao’s power coming from himself  and Venti’s from others And both seem to appear to use their power for their own gain while truly helping others behind the scenes

both have killed a lot of people during the archon war Xiao views it as another necessary event out of his control and Venti would likely view it as a tragedy he chose to enact himself

and this is where we meet out balance

Xiao- contrary to how i think a lot of people view him as thinking of himself as a monster- seems canonically to have accepted this as part of his duty, as long as those he killed are not mortals. I dont think he enjoys it no- but someone has to do it and he’s just accepted that its a part of his duty Venti on the other hand-

See the beauty of the ship- as someone with an angst-centric mind- is this- these are two of the most traumatized mfers in the game 

Xiao is by far the one who needs the most help and who can serve to benefit most from the ship- but he is nowhere near self aware enough to recognize that there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about his mindset in the slightest-

whereas you have the contrast with Venti who sorted through most of his trauma with the nameless bard alone during the archon war and while the result appears more healthy- is still really not- but he’s not self aware of that either because i mean- who’s going to tell him? nobody even knows. 

however- venti is aware enough to notice flaws in Xiao’s mindset and “Venti” enough to want to help them through it-

Xiao- while not aware enough to recognize the flaws in Venti’s mindset, can recognize where it contrasts with his own, and is blunt enough to point it out- and then it’s out there to be mulled over- 

they’re so similar and yet so different and a feel just conversing between the two of them, being in each others precense, just being exposed to two mindsets that are so very different could do both of them a whole lot of good.

GEEE THAT BIT OF RAMBLING HAD LITTLE TO NO DIRECTION AT ALL- LET ME-- LET ME MAKE THIS START MAKING SENSE- WITH... DYNAMICS OR SOMETHING

I don’t think Xiao needs to sleep really- and i dont think that sleeping would do anything except make him uneasy at first- he’d probably just get nightmares after all he’s been through- but with Venti he would soon learn that it doesn’t have to be that way, lulled into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in... as long as he can remember.

anywho back to not making sense cuz im fickle and i think most questions about ships are best displayed through character interactions so like- a possible exchange thats cliche but cliches exist for a reason

Xiao: Why do you try so hard to help me, it isn’t easy. I know that much Venti, with the most adoring expression: Because you’re worth it, obviously Xiao: But surely there are others more deserving of- Venti: No Xiao, everyone is just as deserving as the next person, you included Xiao: Then why me above others? Venti: ehe, cuz ur my warrior of course [O//////O oh shit, hes right] Xiao: My contract is with Morax alone [gay panic but in broody yaksha]

it’s kinda difficult cuz neither of them really address their feelings.  I mean Venti does but he does it very indirectly and its rare that he ever does it with like- genuine directness- even spilling his backstory was in the form of a song- and told in the third person- so a lot of their interactions would often have some deeper meaning, especially with Venti being the bard he is. 

I come up with a lot of- errant thoughts about Xiaoven- but this is making me realize that a true analysis of their ship is rather difficult because it just encompasses so many dynamics so its hard to settle on just one and not go rambling about who knows what bouncing from one end of the ship to the other-  Because you truly can and thats the beauty of it

within one moment you can be having a heartfelt conversation about the archon war the impact of lost friends and times past, and the next moment Venti is trying to forcefeed Xiao an apple while Xiao screams about disrespecting the adepti and its just- so lovely

so while they have picnics with nothing but apples, dandelion wine, and almond tofu they can sit down and talk about the dreams Xiao once devoured, and the dandelion wine and apple cider that the first Ragnvindir invented from the plants that never could have grown in Old Mond. The foods that tasted of familiarity, or of the grilled ticker fish Pervases always used to eat, foods that tasted of friends and frankly family that had since passed, glaze lilies and cecilias and qingxin flowers scattered in the surroundings and woven into Xiao’s neat braids and Venti’s now messy ones, rebraided by the steady and inexperienced hands of one unused to gentle action. 

and then of course Venti steals Xiao’s tofu once the mood becomes too grim and replaces it with a bottle of wine that Xiao refers to as “vile poison,” a remark that fatally wounds Venti as he collapses on the floor, proclaiming how he can only be healed by a Yaksha’s kiss. Xiao ignores this of course and simply takes back his tofu with a slight smile on his face, but as Venti persists he soundlessly places a kiss on his own palm before intertwining their fingers and pulling him back up from where he was dramatically sprawled on the floor, grumbling about how such action was “unbecoming of an archon.” A sign of affection only Xiao would ever know about. But Venti is literally wind and I hc his senses work differently anyways so he definitely knows- plus Xiao’s face is red as the blood of his enemies and the way he is pointedly not looking at Venti at all really speaks volumes anyways. 

 -Venti playing epic battle music whenever Xiao goes into fights in what looks like a ridiculously extra performance to anyone else but is actually doing wonders to keep Xiao’s karma at bay

-Venti preaches the practice of “kissing wounds better” and Xiao is unfamiliar with this medical treatment but views it as unnecessary regardless because adepti have accelerated healing, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop him though. 

-Messages whispered on the wind

-Venti’s 1000 year sleep- an accident, not a fun time for the yaksha, and not a fun time for Venti once he woke up. Venti is actually more afraid of restful sleep than Xiao is, hence the sleeping in trees thing, but when Xiao is there, he can sleep restfully with faith that Xiao wont let another millennia slip through his fingertips. 

- Xiao tends to make excuses when doing things that aren’t necessary to his duty, like in his birthday voice line “Have this, it’s a butterfly i made from leaves... Okay. Take it. It’s an adepti amulet -- it staves off evil” because at the current point in his progress it helps him to feel like he’s allowed to do these things. Not wanting to put him off from progress, Venti never comments on his excuse but never fails to whisper a quick reminder of how proud he is of how far Xiao had come.

- Xiao’s karma saddens Venti greatly- not only because of how it effects Xiao but also because its a reminder that as much as Venti tries to honor the memory of those he’s killed, there will always be those who resent him for it, and when he took the option of living away from them, he truly can’t blame them. - And when he gets too wrapped up in thoughts, whether around this topic or similar ones or otherwise, eventually, he’ll hear the sound of a flute on the wind. It’s not divine by any means, but as his own wind connects him to the source, he gets the sentiment all the same. “What impact does one individual’s remaining wrath have on the present. You have done much to help the living in the present” the unspoken idea that Xiao has included himself in that statement, because now, with Venti’s help he’s beginning to learn just how to experience living for himself. 

- Venti’s form and Xiao’s mask are off limit topics though because if either mentions it the other will counter with the opposite and the mood will turn immediately bitter at the idea that both know that what they’re doing is destructive but neither are willing to change

- Venti who has different tells for negative feelings than most people because as much as he likes to pretend it is- this form isnt his, and Xiao who is able to identify those

- many fanfics and headcanons have Venti recognizing when Xiao is uncomfortable and getting him out of those situations. I see that and I love it but i raise you: - Venti taking Xiao to Mondstadt, careful that he doesn’t get to the point that he’s uncomfortable. And nothing goes wrong exactly, but Xiao notices the the way Venti’s cape is blowing in the wind, the way he’s holding his weight, barely on his feet so much as floating on the wind, connected with the ground only for the sake of appearance, all the while he looks just as happy go lucky as ever. And without a word, he grabs his hand and teleports them both out of Mondstadt.  - turns out it was just a slight thing that reminded him of the archon war (cuz i will die on the hill of him having more tragic backstory than just Decarabian), and he of course gives a sincere if not flustered thanks to Xiao, because he’s really not used to people noticing. 

- Venti trying to vent sneakily through fictional stories and Xiao is just like “Didn’t that basically happen to you” and Venti is just like “<_< shit”

- Venti once said affectionally that he wished he had met Xiao sooner and Xiao immediately and seriously shot it down by saying “If you had, I would have been forced to kill you” and both of them now stay up at night wondering who would have won that fight, not sure which result would have hurt more. (because honestly I have no idea who would win in that fight and that terrifies me- I like to think it would have been one of those legends that end with “and the fight persists to this day” or something along those lines)

- “How long have you been together?” “Adepti have no need for-” “1000+ years T^T how dare you deny our love” “O///O our...? ...useless”

- its disney- let me explain- i have this- i have this headcanon inspired by watching too many animatics- - so venti has a human form that isnt his- which he would have had to get used to moving in- and he’s a bard- - uh- anyway- as a third degree black belt in mixed martial arts, i can speak as an authority on this(not really an authority since i havent gone since quarantine but lets pretend). We have a thing referred to as the big three(most things do), and those things are martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. The idea is that they reflect really well off of each other and the best in any one category are good in all three. Timing, balance, form, discipline, technique, hand-eye coordination, grace, ease of motion, they all play a part- anyway-

- Venti taking Xiao’s prowess in martial arts and acrobatics and teaching him how to dance, and as someone who’s extremely skilled in the first two, the third comes easy to him, almost naturally. And it’s delicate and beautiful and lovely and it isn’t hurting anyone. And Venti points all these things out and more and despite how much Xiao insists that he feels ridiculous he truly does enjoy it and it goes a long way towards helping him form more healthy views of himself and his worth.  - Verr Goldett walked in on him once and made a joke about performing at the inn. unfortunately Venti was there and agreed on Xiao’s behalf before he could protest and- and it wasn’t as bad as Xiao thought it would be... he still wouldn’t do it again though without reason, but with good enough reasoning he could probably be convinced. 

- anyways point is he likes dancing to Venti’s songs and i just think that’s really cute - just picture the idea that all the animatics you see actually have the potential to be canon- ugh

- venti tries holding something out of Xiao’s reach since he’s taller and Xiao just fucking teleports 

- both need their space but when they dont, all they have to do is speak the other’s name and they’ll be there.

- and because i just had to.... love languages

- lets start with Xiao- i don’t think he’d view acts of service or quailty time as a love language tbh, and he blunt but really bad with words so affirmation is out, leaving gift giving and physical touch. However, he seems to view most material things as meaningless so- - Xiao who’s love language is in his fleeting touches, something he’s only recently grown comfortable with because of Venti, and now is giving back, which he knows he doesn’t have to do, but that he want’s to, though he’ll still continue to make excuses for each one. “you were shivering” “The inn is high up, you could have fallen..... I said what I said, you’d question an adeptus?”

- and as easy as it is to say words of affirmation for Venti- he does that for everyone- i want to say his is actually acts of service - its the acts of service that let him see just how much Xiao has progressed afterall, from teaching him to dance, to playing another song on the flute, to supplying him with the almond tofu he seems to enjoy so much. Every little thing he does helps Xiao to grow and he couldn’t be happier about that. 

-

- of course most of my headcanons for the ship do take place latter into the relationship because- y’know the less serious unhealthy vibes allow for greater range of thought, but i do still love to think about the serious implications so i kinda hopped back and forth. So sorry about how messy it is btw, i kinda- got carried away- it kinda got some kind of structure near the end tho so- maybe it’s okay. anyway- back to... lol something, we’ll see where thought forests lead.