#I WROTE THIS WITH INFINITY WAR DEPRESSION

[lionlena]

We don't love each other (PedroPascalxreader) angst! Part II

A/N: I can't believe I wrote ANGST. It breaks my heart. All because of this one gif. In my imagination, Tyler looks like Tyler Hoechlin.

Summary:  You and Pedro are: friends with benefits, for many years. Your layout is simple and clear. You don't love each other. You're friends on a daily basis, you take care of each other... Sometimes you sleep together. You go on dates with other men and Pedro doesn't mind. Everything is simple until you accidentally hear Oscar say that Pedro loves you. Then you decide to tell him the truth and you ruin everything.

Warnings: angst!!! smut, mentions of sex, friends with benefits, sad, broken hearts, age difference (reader is 15 years younger than Pedro)

A/N: This part is shorter and please... Don't be angry. I know some of you want a happy ending and I promise you will get it, but not yet.

*

Part II

It is said that mourning has 5 stages. Of course you knew Pedro was alive, but you felt you had lost him forever. So you started going through each stage one by one.

1. Denial

That's what you felt right after the fight with Pedro, when you cried alone. You didn't believe what he said. He was just drunk and didn't mean it at all. It was the alcohol fault.

You knew it was a lie. You've seen him drunk many times. He was the type to just get sleepy and cuddle more. He was never aggressive and was always aware of what he was saying.

2. Anger

You felt it as soon as you entered the house. You threw your suitcase furiously against the wall and started screaming.

How the fuck was he dare acting like this?! Fucking selfish. His age argument was ridiculous. The difference between the two of you wasn't that large. You were an adult. Damn, you were a mature woman! Leave that point for Leonardo!

And his fucking fame! There have been times in the past that your photos have appeared on gossip sites. You didn't care too much about it. But maybe it was him, he didn't want to ruin his image with someone like you.

3. Bargaining

Once you had calmed down, you sat down on the couch and while you drank another glass of wine, you began to analyze everything. It didn't have to be the end. You don't have to love him and he doesn't have to love you. You can still be friends without sex... Or with sex. Sometimes. Once a year. For so many years your system has been running like a well-oiled machine. You can still undo everything, right? If only you'd stayed at the door a few minutes more. If you had heard Pedro's whole conversation with Oscar.

4. Depression

You decided to spend all your holiday crying. For three days you lay on the couch and hardly moved. A pile of used tissues has gathered around you. There were two empty wine bottles and an ice cream wrapper under the table. There was a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. But you really didn't care. You wanted to disappear. Just turn to dust like the people in "Avengers: Infinity War" after Thanos snapped his fingers.

You remembered how you made Pedro watch all the Marvel movies with you. He was teasing you so much about your crush on Captain America.

"You'll see, one day, I'll deliberately star in some movie with Chris Evans  to make you die of envy!"

Another loud sob escaped your lips. You were about to hide under the blanket when the doorbell rang. You were surprised. You didn't order food, you didn't wait for anyone... Your heart jumped like crazy.

It's Pedro! Of course "your" Pedro would come to you eventually. You quickly ran to open the door and your heart dropped to your feet.

"Ty?"

"Hey, Y/N." Your ex-boyfriend looked worried at you. "Can I go in?"

You were so shocked that you just shrugged and let him in. You sat on the couch and watched Tyler. The man scanned your living room and finally sat down on the coffee table, across from you.

"Y/N are you okay?"

You swallowed the lump in your throat. You just didn't believe it was Tyler. And of course he had to be nice and worry about you. What did you expect? You've been together for seven fucking months.

"What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to apologize to you."

You raised your eyebrows in surprise. You were even more surprised when Tyler grabbed your hands.

"I understand that my proposal might have overwhelmed you. I shouldn't have done it like this. You had the right to feel pressured. I'm so sorry Y/N. I would have come earlier if I had known you were suffering so much."

One sec! Tyler thought your current state was the result of breaking off an engagement. Oh shit! Did he really have to pick the worst moment of your life? You felt like someone hit you on the head, with a hammer.

"Yes?" you asked with weak voice.

"Yes, baby. I'm not angry anymore. I missed you so much."

"Yes?"

Your brain has really stopped working. Tyler unfortunately found it cute and chuckled slightly.

"Yes! We've had so many wonderful moments. How about starting over? Slower this time. Maybe instead of getting engaged, you'd agree to move in together. But I'm not pushing. No pressure this time."

You nodded your head and just like that you were pushed into stage 5: acceptance.

You've lost Pedro. He will never come back to you. You couldn't turn Tyler down again. You had to come to terms with the idea that you would end up with someone you couldn't love. For the rest of your life. At least you won't be alone.

With Tyler's help, you cleaned the apartment and agreed to go for a walk with him because he said the fresh air would do you good. As you walked down the street with him and holding his hand, you still felt a huge emptiness in your chest. That's when you realized you'd never make it to Stage 5. You'd stay "depressed" forever.

*

(Pedro pov )

1. Denial

As Pedro stood on the beach and watched your taxi vanish into the horizon, he just couldn't believe it. All night he denied everything. It didn't happen. He misunderstood you. You didn't mean it. You were drunk. Only he knew you and knew you were serious. Both about loving him and about to leave you alone.

2. Anger

He wiped his tears furiously. Why did he have to be so stupid?! Why did he have to screw everything up? He didn't want to yell at you, he didn't want to break your heart, and most of all, he didn't want you to leave. And at the same time, he had enough. He hated every guy he had to share your lips with. He hated it when you came back to him for another dose of love. For years he told himself he could handle it. That it's better in this way. You didn't love him and you deserved someone better.

He was so consumed with anger that he didn't notice Oscar standing beside him. Well, his friend really had no timing.

"Hey man, what happened?"

Pedro glared at him angrily.

"It just fucking happened that you had to pick the worst possible day to talk about morality!"

"Whoa, slow down!"

Oscar held his hands up, but Pedro continued to press against him.

"Y/N overheard us! She came to me at night and confessed that she loved me, and I..." His voice broke. "I yelled at her... I told her I didn't want to love her..."

"Then why the fuck are you mad at me?! Remember what I told you when I  discovered you have agreement with her?"

"That it's sick and we're both going to suffer."

"Exactly! And now you're standing here taking your anger out on me. I didn't come up with this! You guys got yourself into this. It's not my fault you don't know what you want. How I was supposed to know she loved you... Ok, sometimes I suspected it, but..." Oscar sighed heavily as he saw his friend crying. He pulled Pedro into a hug. "I'm sorry. I know you're hurting, but maybe it's better this way."

Pedro clenched his hands on Oscar's shirt.

"I want her back," he mumbled.

3. Bargaining

Pedro couldn't just stay with the others and keep playing. He apologized to everyone, explaining the sudden need to shoot some scenes for The Mandalorian. Only Oscar and Sarah knew the truth.

When he got to his apartment, he was still analyzing everything. After all, he could still fix everything. You two will go back to your old layout. Eventually you'll realize that you don't love him. He will be able to have a part of you again. He will suffer and he will listen to Oscar's lectures again, but at least his heart will not be so empty.

After three days, he made a decision. He grabbed his car keys and cell phone and decided to go to your place. He parked near your apartment and was about to leave when he saw Tyler come out. You were right behind him. Your ex reached out to you. You smiled slightly and grabbed his hand. He realized that apparently you two are together again. And he hated him. Hated Tyler's square jaw, chiseled stomach, biceps... And he hated himself for being such a pathetic pup who lay down at your feet.

4. Depression

He spent the rest of the day sitting on the couch drinking beer and looking at pictures of you together. He felt as if someone had ripped his heart out of his chest. He had years to tell you the truth and he wasted it. So many times he could have tried to change something, but he was too late. He lost you and he was never going to accept that.

* Amor fugado,

( Run away love,)

Me tomas, me dejas, me exprimes, y me tiras a un lado

(You take me, you leave me, you squeeze me and throw me aside)

Te vas a otro cielo y regresas como los colibrís

(You go to another heaven and come back like the hummingbirds)

Me tienes como un perro a tus pies.

(You have me like a dog at your feet)

Labios compartidos, labios divididos

(Shared lips, divided lips,)

(mi amor)

Yo no puedo compartir tus labios

(I can’t share your lips)

Y comparto el engaño y comparto mis días y el dolor

(That I share the deceive and I share my days and the pain)

Ya no puedo compartir tus labios

(I can’t share your lips)

Oh amor, oh amor, compartido

(Oh love, oh shared love)

Mana - Labios Compartidos

@creedslove​ I probably listened this song a hundred times while writing Pedro pov <3

Part I

Part III

[raccoonfallsharder]

First of all, I love you and your work x 3000.

Second, thank you so much for the treasure that was “Bite.” I keep coming back to it and rereading it and loving it a little more each time. ❤️❤️❤️

Third, I wanted to ask a question: How do you think the dropped idea of a Rocket and Scarlet Witch roadtrip would have been like? These two characters would be interesting to explore.

you. are always making me blush. and you know i adore you and your work as well. (seriously folks i hear there’s a slice-of-life au coming out soon so check out this author on ao3) ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ it was honestly a pleasure and an honor to be able to gift you with something small to balance the scales on all the joy your writing has given me and the support and encouragement and friendship I’ve benefited from through our conversations. i appreciate you so much and frankly you deserve more & better

secondly. let me be clear. i am grateful they did not include this arc actually because the endgame writers would have FUCKED IT UP. they sabotaged rocket’s relationships with every avenger in a hundred small lines (still hung up on nat’s “he eats trash” comment; i can’t). they had a whole-ass opportunity to do something beautiful with him and thor and instead they made a mockery of grief, loss, depression, ptsd, and arguably genocide?? with an added dose of uncharacteristic body-shaming from everyone who interacted with thor including rocket, the guy with more body image issues than anyone in the galaxy. (i know im preaching to the choir with this) add in wanda maximoff — whose character arc has imo been repeatedly undermined and assassinated throughout her time in the mcu — and it would have been a recipe for disaster.

"We had whole drafts with Wanda on a road trip with Rocket," Markus wrote, "but after the Vision plot in Infinity War, nothing we came up with was anything but wheel spinning for her character." (CBR)

i forgive these writers for not knowing rocket’s backstory. they couldn’t. but you had two characters who lost everything in infinity war and you couldn’t think of anything beautiful or meaningful or interesting to do with them? i’m increasingly grateful that we barely ever saw rocket with nebula (another relationship they undermined but i fixed) because im sure it would’ve been a fucken travesty

these fuckin asshats. it’s no wonder they fucked up everything with thor. i wouldn’t trust them with any story that might mean something (hire me disney lol) (jk don’t you’re a very scary corporation)

anyway im sorry. i think you meant this to be a prompt and i will write that fuckin fix-it but first i needed to rage & seethe.

[[exhales]]

okay. im going to think on this and write a little snippet of what i would’ve liked to see and i’ll dedicate it to you as one of my headcanons lol

everything i learn about endgame makes me more mad

[fortunatelychaoticphantom]

Highlighted Posts - Fandom Topics

For some explanation, see serious topics post.

Avatar the Last Airbender / Legend of Korra:

Aang, forgiveness and violence in The Southern Raiders (meta).

Aang’s (lack of a) character arc (meta) + same response, posted independently from the original chain post with a bit of revisions (meta).

Avatar, violence and last second anti-killing rhetoric (meta).

The actual advice the past Avatars gave Aang (meta).

Aang vs. Ozai final battle and Star Wars influences (meta).

The Great Divide is good actually (meta).

Aang being rewarded by the universe? (meta).

Third season Scorched Earth plan out of left field (meta).

Bloodbending and Energybending (meta).

Katara didn't have a “plot armor” in the final battle with Azula, she's the epitome of a warrior (meta).

Katara and non-lethal battle winning (meta/joke).

Katara didn’t beat Pakku (meta).

Katara didn’t choose Aang “over” Zuko (meta).

Anastasia!Zutara AU (headcanon).

Mai and Zuko, what should have been (meta).

Mai happily joined Azula to hunt Zuko (meta).

Kanna and Pakku... why??? (meta/joke).

Gender equality in the Fire Nation and WW2 equivalents (meta).

Legend of Korra, the status quo and the institution of the Avatar (meta).

Making Korra’s dad chief is just… awful (meta).

Harry Potter:

The Malfoys didn’t have a redemption in canon (meta).

Michael Gambon is great, you guys are just mean (meta).

Snape, Dumbledore and the Defence against the Dark Arts (meta/joke).

No thanks, I don’t need a young Snape movie (joke).

What Harry’s reaction to his name being pulled from the Goblet should have been (joke).

The Tri-Wizard tournament has no rules (meta).

Star Wars:

Star wars and Pirates of the Caribbean are the same story (meta).

Kylo Ren and redemption in the Star Wars universe and Hollywood [tlj post] (meta).

DC:

so... does Superman have an appendix? (joke).

Why Selina Kyle never goes to Arkham (joke).

The Scorpion King/Wonder Woman comparison (joke).

Marvel:

Infinity War and the horror of the snap (meta).

Who’s the avengers’ designer? (joke).

Black Panther and The Lion King similarities regarding women (meta).

Shipping in the MCU (joke).

Antman and family (joke).

Pirates of the Caribbeans:

Elizabeth and Will’s relationship is the heart of the movies (meta).

The best things about PotC (meta).

Disney:

I sort of wrote a one-shot about the bimbettes from Beauty and the Beast (fanfiction).

Belle in the Hunchback of Notre Dame (meta).

Del Toro, monstrosity and Beauty and the Beast (meta).

Inner Workings is amazing (meta).

Frozen’s Anna and Hans (joke).

Quasimodo is awesome (meta).

Around the world with Captain Phoebus (joke).

Pocahontas’ ending is subversive as fuck (joke/meta).

Hercules didn’t know who Hades was (joke).

Other:

Bullshit “feminist” retelling and Mad Max Fury Road (joke/meta).

“Feminist” retellings explanation (analysis).

She-Ra and the inherently good protagonist (meta).

I hate the ending of She-Ra (meta).

Once upon a Time, Regina and redemption (two diverging threads of the same post) (meta): First and Second.

Ross Geller isn’t that bad, you guys are just mean. Or: The unbelievable cruelty of what Carol did to Ross (meta).

Bella Swan and Hermione Granger comparisons are bullshit (meta).

Twilight and depression (meta).

New Moon reread comments (meta).

The Good Place is the greatest show in history. But also I have thoughts (meta).

The single most beautiful Geralt and Jeskier art ever made [The Witcher] (fanart).

Dimitri wanted to find the real Anastasia all along in hopes that she survived the revolution [Anastasia 1997] (meta).

Godzilla, Pacific Rim and Hollywood: between grim-dark and camp (meta).

Wednesday Addams and the usurpation of the summer camp for rich white kids (meta).

Debbie Jellinsky is the best [The Addams Family Values] (joke).

Achilles and Patroclus sitting in an urn. K.I.S.S.I.N.G. (joke).

Of course the Jewish women are the witches in Oz the Great and Powerful… (joke/meta).

Bird Box and mental illness (meta).

My problems with Carmen San Diego (meta).

Ice Princess and teenage movie tropes. Or: They're lesbians Harold (meta/joke).

Lord of the Rings life goals (joke).

The School of Good and Evil and that little bit of antisemitism… (joke).

Game of Thrones / House of the Dragon genetics are weird (joke).

Why wouldn’t I keep talking about old fandoms? (joke/analysis).

I hate Barbie. Sorry. (meta).

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi dear librarian! 1/? I was wondering if there's a term to describe a phenomenon that plagues so many films nowadays and partially responsible for the downfall of BBC Sherlock and MCU: it appears that the creators/screenwriters are afraid of or uncomfortable dealing with strong negative emotions. It's very obvious in Sherlock S3,S4, and MCU after Infinity War. They immediately interrupt an emotional scene with a quip, joke, or a solution. It really disturbs the plot flow, emotional buildup,

2/? and the tension of the show. E.g., in Sherlock S3E1 the reunion scene and the underground scene, in S4 the ghost Mary non-stop quips before the emotional hug. In S2, they really shouldn't have revealed Irene or Sherlock survived immediately after the event. I don't know what the writers were afraid of. Without a proper buildup, the resolution doesn't feel satisfactory. I'm very happy that in GOTG 3 they avoided this problem and it's probably the only MCU film worth seeing recently. 3/3 Another example is the Thor series. I know Thor 1 has many plot flaws, but they got the aesthetics right and with a Prometheus type of self-sacrifice, it feels like a proper fusion of technology and mythology. But later they wrote Thor as a laughing stock for his depression and in his own 3rd and 4th film, every remotely serious emotional scene was undermined by something. Just why?! That's part of the reason people say MCU doesn't feel relatable anymore. Thx for reading and stay cool!

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

Thank you for this insightful ask, and my answer is essentially this: shareholders and studio meddling, and probably bad writing by people who think they know better. A lot of the MCU, for instance, is SO boring and repetitive right now because they're too afraid, it seems, to stray from "what is safe", stuff that won't have people bitching at them, or they're trying too hard to recapture what made the Infinity Saga so amazing. They spent TOO long being praised and in turn stopped trying so hard, and under Chapek, dude was a greedy bastard who worked Feige to stress. I'm glad that they pulled back, it seems, and I hope it stays that way, hopefully so they can make new movies up to the quality of GOTG 3 again. Studios like Dreamworks and Indie studios are taking risks, and it's paying off, because people are bored with the sanitization of Disney and Marvel. Everything has to have no true villain in Disney.

That's not to say I don't still enjoy Disney, I do, but Marvel as-of-late has put out more flops than fantastics. And I suspect some of it is studio and shareholder meddling. It's a miracle Gunn got to do what he wanted for GOTG3, and I'm glad he did. With Thor 3 I feel like Taika got raked over the coals because he had to follow whatever plan they wanted for his vision. I dunno. Marvel for me is so hit-and-miss these days.

As for Sherlock... I think part of it was BBC meddling and another was ego-tripping, because Mofftiss continually put out winner after winner of seasons, so they thought, because just the TWO of them got an Emmy for TAB, well, they're good enough to get it for a WHOLE SEASON! (which, for the record on my opinion, I think Mofftiss are better at ONE SHOT episodes, not an entire series on their own... they run out of ideas and then throw whatever their weird fanboy fantasies want, and without a third writer to reign them in, we get S4). So yeah, that's what I mean by bad writing as well. I BELIEVE Moffat or his wife owns Pinewood Studios that they film in, so like... it's literal studio meddling, LOL. But yeah sometimes a writer or director can also be too big in their britches, and whatever they say, goes.

So yeah, I dunno. It's honestly a mix of everything and fatigue with the unoriginality of content these days. I think that's why I don't really watch anything anymore unless a trailer REALLY grips me, or it's recommended to me by a Lovely. I stick mostly to old-faves because I know I won't be disappointed, or fandom-related content.

What do y'all think?

[spectralarchers]

@crisis-response-specialist tagged me in a "Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love ♥️"

so here goes:

"Nothing Burns like the Cold" is my absolute favorite fic that I've ever written. It's only about 45k long, but the journey of figuring out all the historical things for a fic which had a setting of "Hawkeye goes to Greeland with the Sirius Patrol to find Captain America" was such an incredible one. I love this fic so much too because the friendship between Steve Rogers and Clint Barton got really cemented in my head here. It's just such a wonderful, down to earth, fic and I wish I could make an actual comic book based on it because the illustrations of Greenland in my mind... *chef's kiss*

"Swallow Your Soul" is my second favourite fic I've written, and it's also the longest thing I've ever spit out, bonging out at 114k. I still have no idea how the hell that monster of a fic became so big as it was, I only remember thinking that I needed to write something set between Age of Ultron and Civil War with Ronin as a focus. One of my favorite characters in this story is actually Buck Chisholm, whom I pictured in the likeness of Woody Harrelson as I was writing, and Barney, of course.

"Five Times Clint Barton Spoke with Steve Rogers about Growing Old and the One Time He Didn't" is my third favourite thing I've ever written, and it's one of those short 6k fics I've written punctually. The reason why this fic means so damn much to me is because older Steve Rogers in the story is based so much on my own grandfather. I loved that man so very much, and his life was so full of anecdotes and experience, and I wrote this fic in May of 2019. My grandfather passed at the age of 93 in August of 2019, and even though I miss him every single day, whenever I read this fic again, I am reminded of how kind he was and how I apparently managed to transform some of my fondest memories of my grandfather into old man Steve Rogers.

"'til the skies bleed ashes" is my 2019 NaNoWriMo, which came out at a grand total of 84k words. It's what I imagined would have canonically happened after Infinity War, before Endgame came out and surprised all of it. I remember the kicker being "what if Clint became Director of SHIELD after Fury got dusted?" and then sprinkling some Ronin on top of that, and trying to make things work out. One of my absolute favourite scenes I've ever written is from this fic, and it's the one where Thor is given the heart-shaped herb from Ramonda and T'Challa and goes to his home in Bilskirnir and sees his family together before being brought back to the battlefield atop Sleipnir, flanked by Valkyrie on her Pegasus, Hela on Fenris and Carol Danvers glowing in the sky. Sending the personification of death from the MCU after Thanos made the most sense to me, since that's what he went after in the comics.

"a mausoleum fit for me" is my only non-Marvel fic on this list, but it is my second longest fic ever, at 104k. I remember watching The Old Guard in 2020 and being absolutely mesmerized by this sad, depressed French immortal, and thinking "I have to dissect how he came to be" and originally, the story was going to follow him throughout his life. Eventually, I decided to make a cut by (spoiler alert) Booker's first death in Russia and then continue the rest of the story post-immortality in another fic, which is how this monster of a fic happened. I had my entire living room plastered with post-its and dates and events and someone once told me that "they learned more about the French Revolution through this fic than they did at school" and that's about the greatest compliment anyone could ever give me.

I'm going to send some asks around, but if you feel like self-reccing based on this, consider yourselves tagged <3

[starmora]

Hey, it's me again. Still really sad about the Gamora situation.

I remember I was so heartbroken when in Endgame Rocket said he lost all his family but didn't mention Gamora. I thought it was because they didn't know how to handle her in the future, because there was the possibility for the real her to return. I thought one of the mission of the team in GOTG3 would have been find a way to bring her back or her memories and maybe fail but TRY at least. But it wasn't like this.

I'm ok with her staying dead but the problem is we never had a moment to MOURN her with the other characters. God, Yondu had a funeral. Everybody cried. It seems that since we have this other Gamora, she didn't really die, just decide to forget everything and move away. But they made clear they're two different people too so we needed that moment dedicated to her death. Where everyone grieves, not just sad stares from Peter and Nebula.

(Bonus: Once Gunn decided what to do with Gamora, why is just Peter that is depressed and drinks? Obviously he's one involved the most, but everyone else is ok then?)

I get GOTG3 it's Rocket movie, but since what happened to Gamora in IW/Endgame wasn't planned by Gunn, why not paying attention to her character too?

Sorry, maybe I wrote too much 😔

Lots of love 💕💕💕

It’s never too much and I’m very happy to hear from you and hear your thoughts 💖💖💖

I agree with you. I really feel like it would be easier for everyone to essentially move on from this if we could have seen the guardians mourn a little bit in some form. It’s really really weird that literally no one at any point really talks about it, everywhere from like you said about Rocket not mentioning her, to the guardians in Vol 3 brushing off death comments with “she’s not dead, she just doesn’t remember”.

I don’t really want any more guardians content, but I really hope if we DO get any more, it expands more on the things we missed, instead of trying to tell us a new story after vol 3. I’d love to see some stuff about the years in between vol 2 and infinity war, but I think there’s also a big opportunity for them to tell us more about how they grieved Gamora because ALL guardians content after infinity war has had this very distinct problem and I’m lowkey tired of waiting for it since it will probably never happen at this point. They had the perfect opportunity to do so in vol 3 and just didn’t do it so I doubt it’ll happen unfortunately but I’ll keep taking my copium

That being said, I’m like really fine that they didn’t do anymore time shenanigans in vol 3, and just had the story pretty simple and straightforward as far as marvel content is concerned, so I’m not too bothered that they didn’t like try to give her “her” memories back, but I get why you and a lot of other people would be disappointed. It seemed like a logical next step with how bizarre marvel movies have been getting.

[the-foolish-scholar]

The Magician

The Magician is the second card of the major arcana. It details a point in The Fool’s journey where they’ve realized how their wishes and desires can become reality through determination and willpower. The Magician stands with one hand pointed to the sky, while the other hand points to the ground. This positioning explores the connection between the spiritual and the material realms. The Magician requires a connection to the spiritual world in order to manifest their goals in the physical world. They have the ability to bridge the gap between the heavens and the earth’s vast lands, converting energy into physical matter. Their white robe symbolizes purity, while their red cloak represents experience and knowledge. On the table in front of them, The Magician wields all of the suits in the tarot: a cup, pentacle, a sword, and a wand. Each object signifies the elements of earth, water, air, and fire. They are all connected to each other by The Magician. This indicates that The Magician has all the tools they need to translate their ideas into reality. The infinity sign above their head and the snake around their waist indicate that they have access to unlimited potential. Furthermore, the flowers on the foreground symbolize aspiration.

-

So much has happened since I’ve last written! My schedule was a little bit thrown off because I was out in the community over the weekend, so I didn’t have time to write on Sunday as I usually do.

Last week I had the honor of going to El Museo de la Palabra y el Imagen. They are known for their exhibit on La Matanza, the 1932 massacre of El Salvador’s indigenous population. I was able to learn many things about the massacre that I had not be able to learn prior. The following images are texts about the event in English from the exhibit itself, feel free to read if you'd like to understand more about what happened:

I found it fascinating to learn that the indigenous leaders used conch shells as horns to alert the masses about the military as well as call meetings. The museum also had a large number of coins from different fincas that were used as their payment, only able to be used at the shops owned by the landowner, much like company towns in the United States.

While I was at the museum, I found out about the Sumpul River Massacre that happened during the civil war. I had only ever learned about the Lempa River Massacre and up until last Tuesday I was naïve to believe that it was the only massacre to happen on a river during the 12 years of war that ravaged the country. I also was able to learn more about the guerilla radio station, Radio Venceremos.

I was blown away by some of the tactics they used against the Salvadoran military during the war. There was also a new artistic exhibit which had very powerful pieces reflecting on the war. My favorite one was this one of a mother who survived the Sumpul River Massacre, notably shouting at officers, “Don’t murder me, I have a kid!”.

The following images are from various parts of the museum but they call connect to the Catholic church:

In the museum’s gift shop, I spoke with one of the workers there and found out that he was an author of a book written to honor the lives of his siblings that he had lost in the Iglesia Rosario Church Massacre. I left the museum with a heavy heart. As I sit here writing this today, I feel as somber as I did that day. It is extremely depressing to learn about the world and what has happened throughout history, but as my taxi driver said to me and as Santayana wrote, it is important to remember our history so that we do not repeat it.

I also visited the embassy last week to retrieve my passport with my student visa and undergo another security briefing. I don’t know how it happened, but the guards accidentally directed me to the entrance of the embassy meant for Salvadoran nationals. My Spanish seems to have gotten to the point where I can pass as a Chalateca… When we all realized I was in the wrong place, I was escorted to the correct entrance and then inside of the embassy where I met with another Fulbrighter and my contact, Fernando, at the embassy. Fernando introduced us to everyone in his office and we were received with such a warm welcome. A lot of his coworkers offered to connect me to people who could aid me in my research which was an added bonus. Me and Annalise (the other Fulbrighter) grabbed coffees together after we were done and had a good discussion with each other.

She’s here on a Fulbright Hays Grant completing her dissertation on Eco-Feminism among other things. Her work is extremely interesting and I am proud to have gotten to know her.

On Friday I had dinner with Cathy and some people she wanted to connect me to. One of them, a writer who has written on the church (as well as some fiction), offered to connect me to some Catholics connected to the UCA which have the potential to be great research participants. The other, who is here visiting family, has a father who has done a lot of work with the church and offered to connect me to him. We had conversations on the state of affairs here in El Salvador, mindfulness and contemplative practices, and a few other things over some delicious Mexican food. After dinner I met up with some old friends and a mutual of ours offered to be a participant in my study! Another friend offered to connect me to a rural parish in his hometown that I could distribute my survey to. In my head I never imagined the research process to look the way it’s playing out, but the way I’ve been going about things has been working great so far. The clergy here has also been a delight to work with, as they’ve agreed to supply me with outlines of mass every week so I can translate them and read them in English prior to going and listening to them in Spanish. I decided that I was going to hold off on going to mass at the Cathedral until Ash Wednesday. My plan is to go every Sunday up until Easter. So, I’m essentially giving up my Sundays for Lent.

On Sunday I went to mass at the Romero Community Center in Tonacatepeque. The mass was led by Father Greg, a Catholic priest from Kansas City here on a delegation. It was my first time being back at mass since my time doing undergraduate research with two Lutheran parishes in Cincinnati. It was exciting to shift my brain into research mode again. A lot of what I observed was in alignment with my undergraduate thesis so it felt good to see the same things play out in a different environment. I didn’t only attend mass in the community though, I stayed out there for the next two days to help Evelyn with interpreting. In fact I was Father Greg’s personal translator at the home we stayed in the community. I am very proud to be able to be fluent enough to interpret. Although, it is much easier for me to translate from Spanish to English than from English to Spanish. I am confident that with more time and practice that’ll cease to be an issue for me though.

The time in the community was so good for the soul. It was such a pleasure to connect with everybody. We played games, ate amazing food, danced, and had deep conversations with each other. I especially loved getting to play Jenga until midnight with my host family and hanging out with the kids at the park. I taught the kids how to say their names like gringos say them, had a water bottle flipping competition with them, and discussed different types of Salvadoran food that I’d tried. One of the kids even climbed up a tree to get me a mango that they wanted me to try! They coated it in salt and spices and chanted at me as I bit into it.

It was so fun to exchange with them. Right now I’m in the process of making friendship bracelets to bring to them the next time I’m in the community, which has been a fun way to spend my free time. If any of you are able to donate towards the CIS scholarship fund and help some of them be able to attend school, please get in contact with me. You can write the donation off of your taxes! Also, the image below is of a bible that was on display in a gas station that we stopped at on the way back to San Salvador. I thought it was interesting.

Other than that, I’ve been reading a lot of texts relevant to my research. I am so thankful that I have this time to “nerd out”. Today I went to a café and read some primary sources regarding religion in Latin America and this other book that examines what religion is exactly. As I was reading, I had light bulb moments and figured out ways to better structure my arguments for the research paper that I’m in the process of writing. It feels so good to use my brain. It has been a bit of an adjustment doing academic research without professors looking over my shoulder though. I miss getting to sit in lectures and learn through listening but it’s been freeing to only learn about what I want and be free of busy work.

I feel like I’m really coming into myself. Like I’m becoming the person I’m supposed to be. Not everyone will understand it, but I’m figuring out the ways I can make change as an individual under a flawed system. I hope that I get to a place where I can actually make a difference through my work instead of just talking about making a difference. I think the plan I have for when I return to the states is a solid one. I can’t let myself get too carried away with my vision though, I need to live this part of my life instead of focusing so much on what comes next. This time away is a gift and I must relish in it while I have it. I think I’ve been doing a good job, I just need to remind myself to be present from time to time. The future is exciting but it’ll also come with more complications. I know I’ll look back at this time and miss how simple it was, just like I do with college and life before COVID. Much love to you all, thanks for following along on my journey!

Z

[merrycarousel]

Weekly Roundup 9 April - 16 April

As a means of catharsis from the mess that was the Love Is Blind season four “live” reunion yesterday, I wrote a weekly roundup of all the fics I’ve read and would recommend this week. 

I'm currently a month into an exploration of the Marvel fandom—so that should explain some things. 

For most of last week and this one, I was primarily consumed by reading three fics: dnky’s A Father’s Son and ali_aliska’s Winter’s End, along with the separate “what-if” fic for that story. 

Winter's End by ali_aliska (Ao3) 

Incomplete, on hiatus; last updated November 2018

Mature, 461K words (73/?), James “Bucky” Barnes x Tony Stark (WinterIron) 

This slow burn fic centers on Tony and Bucky slowly healing and the development of their relationship. Bucky comes back to the United States alone, without the rest of the Rogue Avengers, so for most of the fic we get almost undivided attention put on the two. One of my favorite moments early on happens when Tony is trying to get an understanding of how to remove the trigger words, discovering Bucky’s Winter Soldier personality in the process and then getting overwhelmed by his intense infatuation with him. It was shocking, unexpected, and oddly funny to me. As the author recommended, I only read through chapter 63 so that I wouldn’t be left on a cliffhanger, and it was satisfyingly end-like that I didn’t feel like I was missing too much by deciding not to continue reading. Overall, this fic delivers on your slow burn angst-fluff fic needs. Similarly, while the narrative often switches between Tony and Bucky’s perspectives, there is a nice bit of head hopping as well—which is one of my personal weaknesses.

Far from Heaven by ali_aliska (A03) 

Complete 

Mature, 67K words (17/17), James “Bucky” Barnes x Tony Stark (WinterIron) 

Love, loss, and late-night shenanigans, this story asks the question of what if everything in Winter’s End was a cryosleep dream for Bucky. As you would imagine, Bucky is absolutely devastated, grieving the death of the Tony he knew as he tries to navigate the dream past-turned-present. Compared to the length of Winter’s End, I devoured this fic almost preternaturally quickly and wasn’t disappointed one single bit by ali_aliska and her perfection in blending angst and sickening sweet love that you just can't look away from. Despite the depressing premise, this fic actually gets pretty fun in certain places that I don’t want to give away so give it a whirl. 

A Father's Son by dnky 

Incomplete; last updated May 2021

General, 156K (42/?), Virginia “Pepper” Potts x Tony Stark

After all of the emotions from ali_aliska’s works I needed some relief, so I went to one of my favorite tropes: time travel, stumbling upon this beauty. This story is about Jarvis waking up during Infinity War and piggybacking on the Mind Stone and its connection to the other Infinity Stones to send himself and Tony back to his birthday in Iron Man 2. I had a lot of fun reading this, particularly in the execution of Tony’s journey to detangle himself from Shield forever—subverting their authority at every turn, being an absolute pain, and actually suing them at one point. This fic also has no tolerance for Captain America or Black Widow while also including other aspects of the Marvel universe, such as Inhumans from Agents of SHIELD and the X-Men, as portrayed in X-Men: First Class. As previously mentioned, I’m a sucker for head hoping and unreliable narrators and this story likes to switch perspectives frequently, which is especially satisfying when we get to see the perspectives of average joes and the wider public, such as in the aftermath of this fic’s New York. Jarvis also gets to really shine in this fic and his relationship with Tony is the cornerstone of the whole story. Be warned however, this fic ends on a cliffhanger. You can infer what happens next, so it isn’t an unsatisfying cliffhanger but if those bother you, chapter 35 is a good stopping point. 

Rise From the Ashes by WitheringEffect (Ao3)

Incomplete series; last updated March 2021 

General, 16K, 5 works, James “Bucky” Barnes x Tony Stark (WinterIron) 

Tony is a phoenix! Enough said. The implications and realities of this in his life, particularly in Siberia and his childhood, are as horrifying as it sounds. Every work in the series follows a different character’s point of view, exploring how the Avengers and Avenger-adjacent characters react and move forward from the Civil War. Overall, it’s an amazing read. 

In Case of Emergency by aliaoftwoworlds (Ao3) 

Complete; one-shot  

General, 4K 

This fic is about Peter becoming sick at school and, due to May being busy, the office is forced to call his second emergency contact, Tony Stark. Short and sweet, it goes about how you would expect and will certainly put a smile on your face by the end. It also reminded of one of my favorite fics (the boy and the mechanic by Bundibird) in which a similar, but more serious take on the premise is used.

[puckwritesstuff]

How does one get past the mess pit of love and thunder in order to be strong enough do a rewrite fix it?

I mean, it helps that I tend to only write the scenes with Sigyn in them.

Seriously, look back at my rewrite of Ragnarok (which is a film I actually did enjoy) and you'll find some of the most dramatic and melodramatic elements of the fic. Hell, the scene where Sigyn and Loki are reunited on Sakaar was the reason I wanted to write the fic in the first place. And there was absolutely no equivalent in the movie. In the first two films, Sigyn's arcs were complementary to Loki's in very trope-y ways. Sigyn was the Desdemona in the first film, and then the Lady Macbeth in the second. These worked, because those films were drawing from those Shakespearean tropes and motifs. Ragnarok... did not, so I had to switch modes.

Now, I wrote the whole original thing from the first Thor film to the first season of Loki as one huge fic, so I was able to go back and make at least that portion consistent with itself. That's why I've got Frigga singing the song from the train scene in Loki in the first chapter-- I planned for that to be a running theme in the fic when I was going through on the second/third draft. When it came to Ragnarok, it was more of an extension of The Dark World than anything else-- basically, the dog caught the car, so now what? Given that the bedroom scene was the basis of it, I knew three things had to happen.

Loki had to be a shit king, and not that great a husband either, at least under the circumstances. My hands were somewhat tied by the film for this one-- depicting Loki as a neglectful and decadent king who couldn't administrate. I linked the two, and in rewrites and edits, came to what ended up on the page: after the death of Loki's son, he tried to pressure Sigyn for children, she refused, and their marriage fell apart. This led to their administration falling apart, and you know the rest.

They had to be separated for a long period of time. This was easier to achieve-- Sakaar is weird with time, I made her land their two years earlier than Thor.

I had to make Sigyn an enemy of the Grandmaster. The crux of the scene is that Sigyn is offering herself for execution or worse in exchange for Loki's safety, and Loki reveals that it was him in the room the whole time and she would never be in any danger from him. Loki never has and never will lay a hand on Sigyn (outside of sparring).

The last one is where I've really screwed myself with Love and Thunder-- because I put her in charge of the resistance on Sakaar, Sigyn is the one that knows Korg better than anyone else on the cast. I manage to handwave him off into the background, but...

But Korg isn't actually the problem. The problem is Bathos and somewhat-recent inability for Marvel to take its films seriously.

See, LDGP is a melodrama. I have tagged it as such, and I will freely admit it to anyone that asks. And that's not a bad thing! Melodrama thrives in comics and comics-based mediums, and it's fun to write and cathartic to read. Where this comes into conflict with the MCU is that melodrama is based in sincerity, and the MCU seems to have developed an allergy to sincerity. It's not that it can't do it, and it's not consistent either, but it hit Thor hard, and by Thor, I mean the character. Ragnarok had some interesting themes and seemed to at least somewhat continue his arc from the first two films with him finally accepting the throne with humility and understanding the origins of his father's empire and reconciling with his brother. It wasn't a perfect film, and there was some tonal whiplash, but the story was there if you looked, and it took enough things seriously that I was able to accept the tone shift.

Then the Russos decided that they needed comic relief for Endgame.

I'm with Red from OSP on this, I don't think the Russos like Thor very much. Thor having diagnosable depression after the events of Ragnarok and Infinity War? Fine, I'll grant him that, he had a really awful couple of days there. Thor abandoning his duties as king and spiraling into a drunken stupor, with the film framing this as something to laugh at? No, that's just bad writing because you don't know what to do with the character. This was why Thor got dusted, by-the-by. If he'd been treated with respect by the text of the film, I might have gone a different route. I'm not against comedy (Sigyn asking if the TVA is a cult is one of my favorite bits), but I am of the opinion that you should treat your characters with respect. When something happens, allow it to happen without cutting it off at the knees with a joke. Compare the first Guardians of the Galaxy-- there's a lot of jokes and the characters are quick to deflect their emotions with snark, but the film gives "We are Groot." the weight and the significance that it deserves, without being worried that the audience is going to think that the movie is uncool by doing it.

So, to the topic at hand, what I'm going to do with Love and Thunder is the literary equivalent of strip mining the story for its plot and whatever lines of dialogue are necessary to move that along, and make up everything else. I'm also only going to write the scenes that Sigyn directly impacts, because it's a more efficient use of my time, and will give the story of Sigyn and Loki the room it needs to continue. And, I mean, think about the things that are going to have to happen in this fic-- someone's out there killing gods, Sigyn's got a surprise new relative she's never mentioned before, Sif looses an arm, Jane dies, Sig's gotta tell Thor that she's his sister, Loki and Thor are going to reunite...

I've got plenty to work with, trust me. ^_^

[agent-barnes40]

Loki, Prince of Asgard, God of mischief, Rightful heir to Jotunhiem, ...Odinson

This story contains scenes from Avengers: Infinity War, so ya’ll have been warned. Also, definitely this is from a series I have on AO3 and Wattpad.

Also, Caitlyn is a teenager and Hawkeye/Clint Barton’s daughter. This was before we had learnt what had happened in Endgame.

Thanos' hand tightened around his throat, squeezing, watching as the blood vessels popped and Loki's nose bleed. Only then, did the mad titan drop the traitor, not knowing what was happening to a certain Avenger's teenage daughter. Clint watched as his daughter clawed at her throat, obviously in too much pain to even cry out before being dropped to the ground, and managing to take a deep breath and start coughing. He hurried to her side, pulling her into his lap, gently massaging her neck, shushing her slight cries.

"Laura!" The man screamed, noticing the way his daughter's body fought against him after a few moments of taking small breaths. Laura hurried out and went still at the sight. "Clinton Francis Barton! What the hell did you do!?" She yelled as she hurried over, dropping to her daughter's side, checking for herself that her eldest was breathing. Clint looked up at him, flinching softly at the sight of her glare. "I was cutting wood when she started gasping. I couldn't do anything but watch."

Laura glared at him even more. "You're so lucky, that I'm taking mercy on you right now, Clinton." She started humming and playing with the girls' hair, trying to get her to open her eyes. Finally, the teenager's eyes fluttered open, tears quickly following. "H-He's dead..." Clint went deadly still. "Now we can't think like that, honey."

"I was on a ship, this purple man holding my throat, his grip got tighter and tighter until I turned and saw Thor a-and dozens of dead bodies. Piles upon piles. Children, old people, all of them dead. Thor was.. was..." The girl suddenly got up, running, heading for the fields that surrounded the house. Clint quickly got up to follow, but Laura stopped him. "Let her, its obvious who her soulmate was.."

Clint growled. "How can we be for sure? Last we heard, he was dead. She wasn't like this when Thor returned with that news." Laura put her hand on his shoulder, gently pushing him to face her. "Remember how I knew that Loki had taken over your mind? That's because you were in danger and I needed to protect you, but I couldn't. I have our children to protect, and that overpowered our link, I felt every inch of pain you've felt. The means Loki has felt our little girls' pain, every scraped knee, the broken arm, the dog bites, all of it. He knows what it's like to feel that protectiveness to someone that wasn't his immediate family."

The two flinched when they heard it, the painfilled scream. The scream made Clint's eyes fill with tears. "I hope he knows how much pain she is in now." Laura gently pulled him close and held him. The two were surprised when they got the phone call.

"I need you to bring Caitlyn to New York. She needs to see Bruce." Tony's voice rang through the cell phone. "No can do, Stark. She's in pain right now." There was clattering and then a few moments later, someone picked up the phone. "C-Clint..?"

Clint sighed softly. "What?"

The voice timidly replied. "It's me, Bruce. I need to see Caitlyn, it's about Loki." Clint handed the phone to Laura and bolted, toward where the scream was only to run into by the teenager. "He's alive!" The teen had fresh tears running down her face. "He's ALIVE!" She sprinted for the house, hurrying up the stairs and inside. Caitlyn was hurrying to get packed so she could go and meet him, it was just one of his clones, she knew he could make clones when she hacked into SHIELD's database to finally get a good look at her soulmate. She skirted around Cooper and Lila. Nathaniel was in his nursery as she bolted for her room, tossing the door open and pulling out multiple piles of clothes and then tossing them into a bag before hurrying back down the stairs, tripping a small bit but otherwise okay.

Caitlyn grabbed the truck keys and waited on the porch, holding out the keys. "Let's go!" Clint sighed and ran up, grabbing the keys, then looking at Laura. "I'll call you when we get on the main road so we can call in a quinjet."

~MANDATORY TIMESKIP~

Caitlyn was sent to New York by herself, in a quinjet. She quietly stepped off it and went still at the crowd staring up into the sky. "What's going on?" Pepper grabbed the girl and pulled her close. "I don't know. Come on, we're taking you to the next safest place on earth." Caitlyn was so confused but go back onto the Quinjet, being seated next to Bruce and grilled him for details on her soulmate, only for him to take her arms. "Caitlyn, he's dead. I watched it. Everyone except maybe Thor is dead."

Her eyes hardened and emotions took over, slapping the scientist with seven PHD's. Bruce gasped and held his cheek, as the teenager looked at her hand in shock. "I-I didn't mean to do that! I'm so sorry!" Bruce rubbed her arm. "Its nothing, don't worry. I understand where your mind is."

"No-one does. No, you don't. You didn't look into the monster's eyes as you started dying, the oxygen in your throat turning into carbon, the feeling of pain circling your entire face, getting light headed. You don't know what it's like to be in that spot. You don't know what it's like to cast your eyes aside and look at the piles of dead bodies, piles of children, and families!"

Bruce went still. His face paling. "So, you saw him." The teenager nodded. "I saw it alright, that monster doesn't deserve a FUCKING NAME!" Her body started shaking as she started crying again, this time curling into Bruce and sobbing into his shirt. The scientist held her, rocking them slightly. Bruce held her the entire time, finding support in the teenager.

Arriving in Wakanda wasn't easy, as it finally took Bruce, personally asking for Natasha for them to get clearance to land. When they finally got on the ground, Caitlyn was the first one out, running toward the Russian woman who had her arms out. The two clattered onto the pavement, tears restarting. The two females, curling around the other in much-needed support was an awkward sight. No one would've thought that Natasha Romanoff would be holding Clinton Barton's eldest daughter, crying. Steve kneeled down beside them and held them, his hand gently running over their hair, murmuring how everything was going to be okay.

Finally, the three of them got up and led Caitlyn into the palace, the teenager saw T'Challa and the first words from her was. "Sam was right, you do like cats." Steve groaned and Bruce full on laughed. T'Challa walked over to her and crossed his arms, then pounding them into his chest. "Wakanda forever." The teenager repeated, the two chatting like the end of days wasn't full on steadily heading toward them.

Bruce pulled Steve and Natasha aside. "She claims that Loki's still alive. What I saw was just a clone, to her knowledge. They're soulmates, we can't stop that. If he is alive and she's on the battlefield with us, and he gets hurt, she'll be down for the count and useless."

Natasha glared at him. "Excuse me, Bruce. Do you know whose daughter that is? That's Clint's kid. She's twenty times better than any archer, we need her on that battlefield and I know Clint will kill me if she gets hurt." Steve looked at them. "Guys, calm it. We still have Wanda and Shuri working on getting rid of the soul stone. We don't need you two fighting on top of all this."

Caitlyn walked over, fidgeting with something on her wrist, smiling. She looked up at them. "Its a bracelet." She stated as if it was purely obvious. The Avengers chuckled softly and ruffled her hair, smiling. "Why don't you go hang out with Pepper at the moment, Cait?" Steve asked.

The teenager scoffed. "Hell, no." She said, looking at them. "I'm going to help here, and if that's going to be a problem, then you can take it up with my supervisor." She gestured to her foot. "He'll ignore it all anyway."

The entire group started laughing, a rare moment of happiness until it all came crashing down. Thanos was attacking and Caitlyn had made it onto the battlefield.

She had on some of Clints very old gear, wearing it with pride as she held a crossbow and shooting down aliens when they broke through the barrier until Proxima Midnight had managed to get her cornered. The teen chuckled. "Come on then! Do it! I've already lost everything to me." She dropped her crossbow and opened her arms. "Kill me."

Natasha heard the yelling and came rushing over, jumping onto Proxima Midnight, shocking the hell out of her while Caitlyn filled the Alien with arrows. She ran out of arrows, Proxima already on the ground, as she pulled out a knife as she jumped back into battle. "FOR EARTH!" She screamed, stabbing aliens as she jumped from back to back until someone grasped her hair and tugged her down to the ground and pointed a knife at her throat, the alien didn't have a good grip so she rolled over and screamed at the pain of the knife slicing up her shoulder. She heard a groan of pain a few feet away but didn't pay attention to it as everyone was either screaming or crying in pain.

Someone tackled the alien off of her and snapped its neck, before helping Caitlyn up. She leaned onto the person before screaming as she realized it was another alien before it shimmered into the one face she'd always wanted to see. Loki. The god healed her before pulling her up and materializing a sword for her to handle. "You can do this love, I promise that you can do this."

Caitlyn, with a new bought of energy, surged out into battle. Her mindset on winning and winning only. She fought and fought until she saw Thanos appear and anger filled her body. "HEY! BARNEY!" She screamed, rushing toward him, only to get tossed back and slamming into a tree, a sickening crack as her head met wood.

Thanos chuckled and headed toward Wanda and Vision, everyone surging to protect them as Caitlyn faded in and out of consciousness. Her eyes trying to focus the battle as she tried to get up only to scream in pain, hearing a similar one across the field, stunned everyone, including Thanos, although it was for a moment. Loki was groaning as he worked on running toward Caitlyn, to heal her, to fix her. The pain was deafening, and the last thing Caitlyn saw was Loki's blue-green eyes meeting hers.

~MANDATORY TIMESKIP~

Loki stayed beside her bed for days, the snap happened they were the lucky few to still have each other. Loki and Thor had chatted as Loki mainly stayed beside her, keeping her safe, himself. Then the fateful day happened, Clint walked into the room, his hair definitely changed but didn't pay attention to the god beside his daughter as he sat down beside her, holding her hand. "I still have my Hawkling. Good."

Clint finally looked at Loki. "Thank you. You've kept her safe even when I couldn't." Loki nodded. "Anything for her. She's still in an immense amount of pain, but it's getting lesser every day and she's starting to open her eyes." Caitlyn heard her father and forced herself to open her eyes and squeeze her father's hand. "Hawkling!" She saw his hair and the look in his eyes and her heart monitor started spiking, forcing Loki to get up. "Out, Barton! You're scaring her."

Caitlyn's eyes shifted from her father to Loki, her eyes softening and a smile appearing on her face, although it was hard when a breathing tube was down her throat. She reached out for the god and instantly the man calmed down and held her hands. "Hello Darling, I don't think we were properly introduced." He chuckled at the blush appearing on her face. He snapped his fingers, flinching softly, and the breathing tube was gone, letting the teenager breath and try to talk. Clint sighed softly and left, his fingers drifting from her arm and to the bed. Loki and Caitlyn silently communicated for a while.

Everything was bliss. Everything was fine. Earth was adjusting, We'd learn to control grief, one day.

[cole-grey-writes]

Symptoms of Loss

Universe: Marvel Cinematic Universe

Timeline: Post-Avengers: Endgame

Character(s): Wanda Maximoff, Sam Wilson, Bucky Barnes

Pairing(s): Wanda Maximoff x Male Reader (platonic(?))

Warning(s): swearing, graphic depictions of mental illness (depression), briefly implied self-harm (minor), not Post-Avengers: Endgame compliant (especially not WandaVision compliant lol)

Request: Hi, I’m a big fan. Could you do a Wanda maximoff x male reader who has depression, but who doesn’t tell anybody. I’d like it to be post endgame.

A/n: heyyyyyy….. feeling the need to apologize a lot for taking a lifetime with this request. my hyperfixations are hella sporadic. anyway, idk if this is exactly what you wanted but i hope you enjoy this little one shot anyway. sidenote, not sure if it’s accurate but google says wanda was like 20 during infinity war and endgame (prior to wandavision airing) so that’s how old im portraying here. also, i realize you didn’t specify if you wanted this to be romantic or platonic so i hope i wrote it well enough to be seen as whichever the reader prefers. anyway, i really like writing stuff for you guys (even if it takes me a lifetime to get the stories out lol). till next time :)

The buzzing snaps you out of your heavy sleep. You don’t know how much longer you keep laying around in bed, cocooned in the covers, before you finally push yourself until you’re propped up on your elbows. You blindly search for your phone, having no idea where it ended up after you fell asleep while watching random youtube videos.

You look around your room while your hands blindly search, wondering if it fell out of bed at some point. Although, there’s likely no room for it to have done so. Your room has grown excessively messy throughout the past few weeks. You’ve been meaning to clean, of course, but you just end up blowing it off at the end of each day.

The floor is overrun with clothes and shoes miscellaneously strewn everywhere they can reach. The pillows you don’t use sit haphazardly at the end of your bed and there are even a few old half empty mugs on your bedside table, mugs that you haven’t felt like getting up and setting in the sink to be washed.

You finally grab your phone under the covers, near your legs. You first notice that it’s just past noon, which is a lot earlier than you’ve normally been waking up at. Wanda’s text is the next thing you notice.

It’s not weird that you’re getting a text from Wanda, in its own right, seeing as you have a very good friendship going that dates all the way back to the aftermath of Ultron. You and Wanda were the closest in age, at the time, so it was only natural that you congregated towards each other. Things were awkward in the beginning given that Wanda had been juggling the grieving process from losing her twin brother as well as trying to find even footing as the newest member of the Avengers. But, you and Wanda eventually were able to grow close.

So, no, it’s not weird that you’re getting a text from Wanda. It’s just a little unexpected. You haven’t talked to Wanda in a while. Actually, you haven’t talked to anyone in a while.

Wanda [12:04 PM]: heyyy n/n wanna go out to lunch?

You sigh, really not wanting to go out anywhere with anyone. You’re almost tempted to leave Wanda on read, but you decide against it due to the smallest amount of guilt that manages to claw its way into your chest. Plus, Wanda would spam you for at least a few hours or until you answered if you didn’t reply within five (5) minutes.

You [12:08 PM]: idk

Wanda [12:08 PM]: come on, sam and bucky are coming

You wonder if Wanda meant that to be persuading in a positive way when actually that just makes you not want to go even more. You are so not in the mood to deal with people.

Wanda [12:09 PM]: you should come, we haven’t hung out in a while

You [12:10 PM]: wanda i really dont know

Wanda [12:10 PM]: just lunch pls you don't even have to get dressed up

Wanda continues on before you can even flat out say no.

Wanda [12:10 PM]: im picking you up in 15 minutes

Clicking your tongue, you don’t even have the energy to try and get out of going now. You drop your phone next to you before flopping back onto the bed yourself.

Wanda is knocking on your apartment door eventually, giving you barely enough time to get ready. You shuffle through your apartment to open the door for her, gesturing for her to enter without even a simple hello on your part. “I just need to get my shoes on,” you tell her, grabbing the pair that was sitting next to the door.

Wanda hums in acknowledgement. “Sam and Bucky went ahead to get a table for us.”

You nod back as you slip your shoes on sloppily, not even bothering to tie them. Standing up straight, you tell Wanda, “Ready to go.”

Wanda steps up next to you, smiling brightly while taking your hand in hers. “Let’s go then.”

The diner is close to your apartment so you and Wanda decide to just walk, leaving Wanda’s car in the parking lot so she can drive home later.

There's a soft, cool wind blowing as you walk the streets to the diner, something that actually feels refreshing and different from the usual stale air you’ve been surrounded by in your apartment.

Through the diner’s windows, you spot Sam and Bucky sitting at a table as you walk across the street. The air is just as cool inside as it is outside, you note, as you follow Wanda into the restaurant. There's also the aroma of freshly made food and coffee that stick to the air. The delicious smells would’ve normally made your stomach growl, but it seems you’re not phased by it anymore despite you having no clue as to when your last meal was.

Sam and Bucky greet you and Wanda when you take your seats across from them. Wanda greets back with a simple ‘hey’ while you smile at them awkwardly just as the waiter appears out of nowhere. The waiter drops off two more menus before she asks you and Wanda about drinks.

“Strawberry lemonade,” Wanda says before she and the waiter look at you expectantly. You mutter an order of plain water, looking at the menu, mostly out of obligation rather than any actual desire for food.

You keep track of the two pairs of eyes trained on your slumped form all while not bothering to mention it. You choose to let the two people the eyes are attached to make the first move while you continue to repeatedly flip through the menu, the menu you haven’t actually read a single word of.

Eventually, Sam is the one to break the silence. “Well, you’re quiet, Y/N,” Sam wonders as playfully as he can muster. “Why is that?”

Sam’s observation causes irritation to grow in your chest for some reason that you can’t actually pin down. For that, you’re not able to stop yourself from snapping. “I’m tired,” you say, simple and curt and holding a level of bite to them.

Sam… doesn’t react the way you expected him to as soon as the words were out of your mouth. Sam did not react at all, in fact. He doesn’t even smile in the way that means he’s brushing off your attitude. All he does is hum and then change the subject. “So, what is everyone ordering?”

It takes a few seconds for your mind to fully process the question. It seems as if no one else at the table had the same problem, however, because Bucky is answering easily. “I was thinking of getting a cheeseburger.”

Sam scoffs, side-smirk and all. “Copycat,” he mutters, Bucky rolling his eyes in response.

You interrupt quickly, before Sam and Bucky could really get into quipping with each other. “I’m not really that hungry.”

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say because it catches the entire group’s attention. You sink lower in your seat as soon as it clicks in your mind that no one is ok with you not ordering food.

“W-well,” Wanda stutters, slightly turning in her seat so she can face you. “How about we share something?”

You want to argue with Wanda, you absolutely want to, but a wave of exhaustion hits you suddenly. You can tell it’s just surface level tiredness but you know that this feeling is a prerequisite to a more bone deep feeling of exhaustion, the one where you just want to collapse as soon as you can get to the nearest sleepable surface (which doesn’t necessarily mean something that is particularly meant for sleep). It dawns on you that your social meter is depleting, rapidly.

Sighing, you don’t argue.

Your friends’ odd behaviors throughout lunch isn’t lost on you. You notice that your friends are acting extremely weird almost from the very start.

Sam doesn’t respond to your attitude with some of his playful remarks to lighten the mood or to get you to relax and enjoy the company like he usually does. Bucky keeps his own quips to himself as well, which is as red as any flag can get given he’s not let anyone stop him from displaying the identity he’s regained since he’s escaped HYDRA’s tight grip.

The final straw is when Wanda says nothing about you barely touching the meal that she had so heavily suggested you share with her.

It’s completely stupid and foolish, but you are maybe and completely out of your mind angry about it. You don’t even care enough to stop yourself from storming out of the diner without any notice.

You have no idea where the hell you plan on going, not that you honestly care. Maybe you can finally find a place to crawl into and hide away from the world forever.

You make it around a corner before you even realize that Wanda has been trailing behind you the entire time. Sighing heavily, maybe growling through your teeth a little bit, you whip around to face her. “Why did you make me leave my house? I would’ve had a much better time sleeping.”

Wanda stops walking just shy of getting in your space, cautiously leaving some space between you but you honestly wonder if that’s the real reason or if she thinks you’re angry enough to do something in a blind rage if she’s in close enough proximity. It simultaneously makes your heart jump up your throat, almost prickling your eyes with tears, and plummets all the way to your stomach while leaving behind an ice cold trail. You force all those feelings down just like any other day.

“Well, I know you’ve been feeling really bad lately, so–”

“Oh,” you snap bitterly, “and you thought lunch was gonna fix that?”

Still, Wanda doesn’t rise to the bait of your defensive attitude and shakes her head softly. “I didn’t think lunch was gonna fix it. I want to fix it,” she explains gently, her hands beginning to fidget with each other. “I want to help.”

It’s not hard to connect the dots about where this is headed. A few weeks back, Wanda had a one-sided conversation with you about it over text. You had never responded to her messages and Wanda hadn’t brought it up when she came to visit you in person a few days afterward. Now that you think about it, you’re pretty sure that day had been the last time you had seen or talked to each other, even over the phone.

“I'm not going to therapy,” you state bluntly, turning back around so you don’t have to look Wanda in the face. You continue your original trek down the street, albeit at a much slower pace.

“Why refuse so quickly?” Wanda wonders, unsurprisingly still following you. She quickens her pace in order to be next to you instead of behind as she talks.

You stubbornly look ahead, refusing to meet her eyes even as you answer out of pure frustration from this conversation. “Because it won’t help.”

“You don't really believe that,” Wanda sighs.

“And how the hell do you know what I believe?”

Wanda’s hand suddenly snatches you by the arm, effectively leaving you with no choice but to stop walking and look at her. “Y/n,” she talks gently, in a way that’s meant to coax you into spilling your genuine thoughts and feelings. And, damn it, it works.

It’s the fact that you know Wanda will never let it go now, and also maybe, deep under all the repression, that you’ve wanted someone to care enough to make you talk about it, that gets you to cave.

You purse your lips tightly, almost painfully, as if you want it to hurt, before the words begin tumbling out of your mouth. “I lost so much in the Blip.” Scoffing, at your traitorous, shaky voice and at this bullshit world, you quickly continue before you lose your nerve. “It was reversed and some people came back… but some didn't. And it’s so much worse now ‘cause they’re really gone this time. There’s no way for them to come back.”

Memories flash through your mind involuntarily as you talk. Bright red hair, always in a new style every other time you saw it. A glowing chest and calloused hands, stained with oil. A reassuring smile attached to a protective, superpowered body.

“I just can’t forget anyone this last… fucking battle took away.” Wanda’s head tilts in sympathy, her hand taking hold of yours in a tight squeeze as if to convey just how much she empathizes with what you’re saying. “It’s a betrayal. Moving on is forgetting.”

“Y/N,” Wanda says, voice sounding water soaked and desperate this time. Immediately, you look up towards her face and you see that Wanda’s eyes have grown wet and red around the edges. The sight alone, of one of the last remaining people that you care about who’s still alive, is enough to make the knot in your throat bubble over helplessly.

Shaking her head, Wanda’s hand migrates to your shoulder in a firm grip. You’re forced to pay attention to what she says, so you don’t forget a single word. “Losing vision after he’d done so much to help me when Pietro… died,” Wanda’s breath catches slightly, “it felt like the final nail in the coffin. And I won’t lie to you, a part of me didn’t want to grieve for him. I wanted to hold on to him and how he made me feel forever, even if it hurt. Grieving felt like I was leaving him behind. But, grieving and healing… Y/N, that doesn’t mean you’re forgetting about them. It just means you are learning to live without them here.”

Wanda’s hands move once again, coming up cupping your cheeks. You watch every twitch in her face, the way her eyes squint and the way she bites her lip, likely attempts to keep the tears from overflowing. It’s useless, though, because as soon as you are no longer able to tramp down the tears, neither is Wanda.

You both break out in sobs at the same moment, yanking each other close and crashing into a deep hug. You stay in that hug for a while, both of you stumbling wetly through amends.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been such a hermit and–and ignoring all of your messages. For being such a fucking ass during lunch.”

Wanda lets out a wet chuckle. “Sorry for dragging you to lunch.”

You shake your head vehemently despite still being pressed close together, your head resting on her shoulder. You know Wanda feels the movement. “I’m not. It’s exactly what I needed.”

Finally, you and Wanda separate. You collect yourselves, sniffling for a few moments, wiping the tears and snot from your faces. Wanda clears her throat, reaching into the pocket of her jacket and pulling out a clump of papers. She hands the clump to you and says, “These are for you. You can look over them for as long as you want before deciding.”

“Deciding?” You repeat, confused. Looking at what the clump is meant to be, you quickly realize that it’s a bunch of mental health pamphlets and therapy brochures.

“Bucky gave them to me when we started hanging out after the Blip,” Wanda explains, playing with her finger nervously. “Now, I’m giving them to you.”

You can’t bring yourself to hold back the teensiest smile that makes its way onto your face. “You had these in your pocket the whole time?”

Wanda’s face grows a little red. “I was trying to wait for the right moment to bring them up.”

Nodding, you eye the pamphlets before shrugging, trying to seem nonchalant. “I’ll look through them.”

Wanda smiles brightly, obviously grateful. Then, she grabs your attention by shyly reaching for your hand. “How ‘bout I walk you home?”

You don’t even need to think about it, surprisingly. Going home sounds really, really nice, especially after you just cried and spilled your heart out on the sidewalk. The thought, actually, catches you off guard a little bit because you hope Wanda means she’ll stay with you when you get there. It’s been so long since you’ve wanted to be in the company of others voluntarily. You hope the feeling sticks around, too.

“That sounds great.” Wanda tugs your hand with an eager smile, leading you in the direction of your apartment, when a thought suddenly occurs to you. You tug back from Wanda. “Wait, I should apologize to Sam and Bucky.”

Wanda shakes her head a little. “I knew you'd probably want to be alone after we talked,” she explains. “I told them we could meet up again in a few days.”

Your chuckle turns into a grimace as complete embarrassment and guilt make a home in your gut. You don’t want to sit on these feelings, especially not after how horrible you behaved towards them. Resuming your walk, you make an effort to match Wanda’s pace. “I do kinda want to be alone right now, but I don’t want to make Sam and Bucky wait for an apology. I’ll invite them to dinner tomorrow.”

Wanda nods along. “Sounds like a plan.”

“Will you come?” you ask suddenly. “If you’re there, it won't feel like I’m trapped alone with them.”

Wanda squeezes your hand reassuringly. “Of course I’ll come with you.” Smiling, you hope your gratitude is easily visible.

“Hey, Wanda?” you wonder shyly. “Can you spend the night?”

“Of course, Y/N.”

(NOT MY GIF)

Main Blog // Other Side Blog

((NO ONE HAS MY PERMISSION TO REPOST MY WORK ANYWHERE EVEN WITH CREDIT))

[marvelousescapism]

I've been on a Stucky fic binge recently where I just go endlessly through the tag in hopes of finding something good and one uncomfortable trend I noticed specifically in like, post CATWS Bucky-centric recovery fics is how many of them make Steve be like, oblivious and stupid and pushy towards bucky? where he like, ignores boundaries and just projects the old bucky onto the new and that's just? Not only ooc but also kind of insulting if I'm being honest

(same anon from the Stucky fic binge ask) It's either that mischaracterization or people making Steve this all forgiving saint even in situations where Bucky is just very clearly a dick regardless of whether he's also hurting or not and like. Man i don't know I feel like people like to make Steve play second fiddle in his relationship a lot and don't like to focus on how he's also hurting a lot and allowed to express that hurt without being called dumb or dramatic

hi nonny, I'm sorry you're struggling to find decent stucky fics :( honestly I can empathize, Steve's emotions often get overlooked in a lot of Bucky-in-recovery Stucky fics and it can be pretty exhausting. we could all do with more fics that focus on Bucky taking care of Steve on his bad days. lemme try and find u some good Stucky fics that focus on Steve either more or just as much as Bucky...

three white horses by magdaliny comes to mind instantly because oh boy this fic is a masterpiece - it's a post-tws au that focuses heavily on Steve's trauma. if you're someone who struggles with suicidal feelings I'd tread very carefully with this fic but it does have a happy ending. also there's an excellent podfic by quietnight!

R&R by sablier_bloque is a two-parter, the first one set pre-infinity war and the second set post-endgame as a fix-it. it's so wonderful and domestic; the second part (In Repair) I especially recommend for quality Steve recovery content

Let These Memories Take Me Home by mmwhatchasayy is set pre-tws and deals with Steve's trauma. fair warning; it's pretty depressing (so avoid if that's not your thing and enjoy if that is your thing!)

Breathe Underwater by StilesBastille24 is a gorgeous post-tws fic that focuses a lot on Steve's trauma and struggling with Bucky avoiding him, highly recommend this one. happy ending!

Ipoiledi on tumblr (and on AO3) wrote a(n explicit) fic that's about Bucky being a jealous asshole and Steve absolutely not being an all-forgiving saint/pushover about it, which might tickle your fancy? (it's an Angry Sex fic so might not be everyone - happy ending though, of course)

Far Strayed by eyres is a post-cacw au and it's BEAUTIFUL and it does a great job at focusing on the two of them equally and I'm reccing it here because the author really just gets Steve If-I-See-A-Situation-Pointed-South-I-Can't-Ignore-It Rogers. as far as I'm concerned this is exactly what happened after civil war.

hopefully these will get you started, nonny! also maybe also try browsing through Steve's PTSD tag over on the Stucky Library and see what you find? if anyone else has any Stucky fics that focus mainly on Steve it'd be awesome if you rb'd or commented with recs!!

[buckyownsmylife]

fic compilation - tony stark x reader

Alright, y’all. I’m doing this for my own organization but I thought it would come in handy for you too. If you have a specific kink or character you’d like to see me compile a list of every fic I can find about them, please let me know and I’ll eventually get around to it. For now, here are some fics featuring tony stark as the main character, which I’ll keep updating every monday, per my posting schedule.

Check out my other fic compilations

Last updated: 17.05.2021 - new additions are in bold

Billion Dollar Man, by @angelicthor - featuring sugar daddy!Tony, non-superhero AU, and smut

Hopesick, by @astxrwar - featuring soulmate AU, sex scenes and mental health conditions.

Press Coverage/Less Coverage, by @astxrwar - featuring suggestive dialogue, Justin Hammer and some swearing.

Poor Little Rich Boy, by @buckybarnesplumwhore - featuring yandere behavior, violence and gore. 

I Love You, by @buckyssoldat - featuring death, injuries, and sadness

Baby Boy, by @canumoveurseatup-no - featuring smut, sub!Tony, and pegging

Teddy Bear, by @canumoveurseatup-no​ - featuring dd/lg dynamics, fluff, and age regression

The Art of Intimacy, by @canumoveurseatup-no - featuring smut, crying during sex and body worship.

Little Girls Like You, by @canumoveurseatup-no - featuring smut, daddy kink, and degradation

Luxury of Loving You, by @canumoveurseatup-no - featuring college!au, angst, black!reader.

“Protocol” My Ass!!!, by @canumoveurseatup-no - featuring angst, racial profiling, and slurs.

The Favourite, by @dreamslikeaheartbeat - featuring dark!Tony, allusions to noncon, and stalking.

Keeping Secrets, by @fandomsandxfiles-writes - featuring fluff, secret relationships and make-outs

I’m your ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb, by @geekygee01 - featuring striptease, grumpy!Tony and horny!reader.

My Little Girl, by @gotnofucks - featuring dark!Tony, royal AU and noncon

Wide Awake, by @imhereforbvcky - featuring ex!Tony, swearing and shenanigans.

Come to Daddy, by @ironlady1993 - featuring dark!Tony, noncon and blackmail.

Daddy’s Love, by @ironlady1993 - featuring dark!Tony, stepdad!Tony and noncon.

Daddy’s Pet, by @ironlady1993 - featuring dark!Tony, pet names and displeased!Tony

Daddy’s Trap, by @ironlady1993 - featuring sugar daddy!Tony, dark!Tony and noncon.

Dark Soulmates, by @ironlady1993 - featuring soulmates AU, noncon and kidnapping.

Golden Cage, by @ironlady1993 - featuring dark!Tony, noncon and kidnapping.

Like a Good Girl, by @ironlady1993 - featuring dark!Tony, dark!Steve and abuse of authority.

Mine to fuck, by @ironlady1993 - featuring smut, noncon and use of titles.

The Big Three, by @ironlady1993 - featuring dark!Thor, dark!Steve and dark!Tony 

The Devil Inside, by @ironlady1993 - featuring dark!Steve, dark!Tony and noncon

The Hunt, by @ironlady1993 - featuring dark!Tony, A/B/O dynamics and Royal AU.

Trapped in a Foreign World, by @ironlady1993 - featuring Superior!Tony, Hydra!Steve Rogers and noncon.

Trapped in the Tower, by @ironlady1993 - featuring dark!Tony, sex slave!reader and noncon.

P.S. I love you, by @ladyeliot - featuring character death, fluff and sadness.

Help From a Friend, by @marvelsbanner​ - featuring suggestive language, innuendos, and dr!reader

blurb, by @marvelsswansong - featuring fake dating, mean high school friends and protective!Tony

changerooms, by @milaonthemoon - featuring age gap, smut and a knowing Natasha

Aftercare, by @mostly-marvel-musings - featuring aftercare (duh), smut and overstimulation.

First time, by @mostly-marvel-musings - featuring smut, love confessions and reassurance.

I married a sex addict, by @mostly-marvel-musings - featuring wedding night, smut and drabbles.

Make up, by @mostly-marvel-musings - featuring smut, jealous!reader and ex-lovers sex.

Mirror, by @mostly-marvel-musings - featuring mirror sex, horny!Tony, and a kind of exhibitionism kink.

Personal Problem, by @mostly-marvel-musings - featuring silent treatment, and smut, and workplace sexual endeavors.

Setting a score, by @mostly-marvel-musings - featuring smut, jealous!Reader and kind of dom!Reader too.

Skeaky, by @mostly-marvel-musings - featuring insatiable!Tony, smut and quickies.

Stubborn, by @mostly-marvel-musings - featuring fights, smut, and angry sex.

We Were on a Break, by @mostly-marvel-musings - featuring angst, fluff and swearing

Iron, by @navybrat817 - featuring kidnapping, threats of non-con, and dark!Tony

So proud of you, by @sherrybaby14 - featuring poly!relationship, Steve and threesomes.

Secret, by @sinner-as-saint - featuring Steve Rogers, age gap and threesomes.

Pocketful of Posies, by @strawberrysoup - featuring A/B/O dynamics, noncon and all of the avengers.

Clumsy, by @wadedickpool - featuring clumsy!Reader, sex pollen and therefore, SMUT

Daughter!Reader

Sunshine, by @bigballofstress - featuring songfic, angst, and loving!Tony

Footsteps, by @canumoveurseatup-no - featuring angst, fluff, and mentions of medication

Ready, by @canumoveurseatup-no​ - featuring angst, trigger warnings, and depression

Everything’s not fine, by @lfzyfx - featuring angst, fights and post-infinity war.

Never Again, by @lfzyfx - featuring angst, Thanos and character death.

Sister!Reader

The Protection Pact, by @steves-on-a-plane - featuring protective!Tony, dangerous missions, and sibling rivalry.

If you know of a fic that features Tony Stark x Reader and that isn’t here, please feel free to send it my way! And if any of the links here becomes broken, please let me know.

If you’re one of the writers featured here and you want to change the little summary I wrote, just send me a DM with the three characteristics you’d like to be acknowledged in the listed fic!

[teebarnes]

hiii, firstly I love your writing, its so so good!

I hope this is okay and I’m not sure if you’re taking requests, but I had a dream last night that low-key upset me but also gave me an idea for a image (I’m not talented enough to write it)

So it takes place during Infinity War and the reader & Bucky were engaged but then the blip happened and the reader is really sad for five years, and when she gave up all hope, Bucky comes back?

I hope it’s okay to request - I redownloaded Tumblr after a long time of not using it, so I don’t remember how it works tbh. Have a lovely week!! :))

Hiiii @fangirllife98 !

Aweee thank you so much! I really appreciate it 🥰✨. Alsooo thank you for trusting me to write out what you had a dream about! I hope you don't mind, I incorporated one of my favourite songs into your request. I'm really sorry it took so long for the request to get to you, I hope you enjoy it 🥰

P.s I wrote a p2 to this bc I loved writing this one! That will be posted in a bit :))

Title: Truth Is...

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!reader

Summary: It has been five years since the blip, and you were still feeling like apart of you was missing. You hadn't talked to the avengers in a while, ignored everyone messages, pleas for your return... until one day that apart of you that was missing finally returns.

Word Count: 1.3k

Warning(s): Sadness, Alcoholism, depression, angst?!?! *Happy ending*

A/N: Requests are currently closed until further notice, apologies to those who have requested. I was on an absolutely needed break, but I am slowly working my way back into posting.

SONG BY SABRINA CALUDIO ~ TRUTH IS

Reminder: Please do not copy, translate or repost my work. I solely write for this account and for the people who send these requests in. 🥰

I don't feel you, I ripped the last page out

I don't even get jealous when you mention other women

I don't, I don't

It had been five years since the blip, five lonely years, and you weren't over the fact that the man you were supposed to marry had gone. There was nothing left of you. You had distanced yourself after the war in Wakanda, many missed calls and pleas for your return from your fellow friends who got no reaction or answer from you. You were torn apart, the happy energy you once had been taken from you five years ago.

And I don't miss you, I'm doing better now

I don't even think of calling 'cause I never feel like talking

I don't, I don't

You sat on the porch with your headphones in, staring into the abyss as usual. It was another day in your life that you wasted. The days for you seemed to merge and blur; you couldn't remember when you did anything or finished anything. It was all the same to you. When Bucky disappeared right in front of you and Steve, you took off. Went off the grid. You couldn't handle the pain, which was unlike you, but it hurt too much, leading you to sit in a small rural cottage on a different planet that was not Earth, where your friends and people you called family couldn't find you.

You told yourself that you were going to be okay; you had somewhat made peace with the universe and yourself. You said to yourself that you didn't deserve a happy ending because of your past. Your future wouldn't allow for your happiness to continue.

Need you

But I need you

You missed him so much. Looking down to the engagement right that still homed your ring finger, you twisted it around and around. Oh, how you wished that the wedding ring Bucky had brought you would home your finger by now, but in your heart, you knew that that wish was far from coming true. You needed your person back. You need Bucky to be there with you. You longed for the days; he'd come home to you, take you into his arms, he'd turn his 40s music on and slow dance with you under the stars until the early hours of the morning. The more you longed for that reality, the more you fell deeper into a depression. Some days you didn't know how you were still going because, within you, you knew you had the will to end it all.

Truth is I'm dishonest

'Cause I'm always scared to get too deep

Truth is that I want this

'Cause I always see you in my sleep

The countless nights you'd awaken in a nightmare, hearing Bucky call your name before he dusted into the air. You hated it. The cold sweats and the long nights, you couldn't sleep half the time now, even if you had dosed yourself up with sleeping pills. His face, his smile and all his features vivid in your dreams, you would dread the nights you dreamt because you knew you'd see him in your dreams. You call his phone just to hear his voice; the thousands of messages you've left him over the years go unanswered. "Truth is that I love you… Even when I'm trying not to," the tears roll down your face, the quick-paced breathes. You honestly didn't know how to live without Bucky, and you thought you'd be fine. The hundreds of missed calls on Bucky's phone, you could never detach from it.

When I touch me, I'm wanting someone else

I don't even think about you

Reminisce it, wish I had it

'Cause it wasn't even that good

Wasn't even that good

The times he'd hold you close and make you feel loved. The missing of his presence sent you into deep agony. There was nothing you could do, nothing anyone could do… "Forget you… I can't forget you," the words you'd mutter to yourself as you drunk another bottle of bourbon. Nothing you did could take away your pain. You couldn't even rid yourself from existence just to feel better. You thought finding someone else would help surpass the emotions, but it cut deep within your skin. The reminiscing of memories sombre by your drunk emotional state, even the cruellest things couldn't take your pain away.

Truth is I'm dishonest

'Cause I'm always scared to get too deep

Truth is that I want this

'Cause I always see you in my sleep

Truth is that I love you, mmm (Truth is that I love you)

Even when I'm trying not to

You were planets away, and I suppose being enhanced with those privileges got the best of you. You let yourself go too deep; you'd been away for so many years that you knew it would be wise to go back. You sigh, shaking your head, taking your phone off of the charger and walking out to sit in your usual spot on the deck, the same one the looks out to the quiet glistening luminous lake. You press call to Bucky's phone again. You knew all too well that it was another night on a distant planet. Where things were a blur to you, you were calling someone who hadn't existed in over five years, when you called his phone you didn't realise that someone had picked up the other line, you were too drunk and deep in sorrow that you didn't even notice. "Need you…" "But I need you…." "Forget you", you sniffle. "I can't forget you" the depression had really set in, and you knew that this would be your life from now on. You hang up, cursing yourself. Knowing you needed someone more than ever, but you had ignored everyone's help, even leaving Earth just to avoid their help.

Truth is I'm dishonest

'Cause I'm always scared to get too deep

Truth is that I want this

'Cause I always see you in my sleep

Truth is that I love you, mmm

Even when I'm trying not to

Heading back inside, you close the door; there wasn't anyone else on the planet you homed. Just you and nature. You melancholically walked yourself to the couch in the living room, one you made of bamboo and soft silk when you were learning how to be primitive. The tears stained your face, you were a mess, and you knew it.

You stopped when you heard a soft knock on the door; your eyes widened, turning your heels. Automatic soberness filled your mind, your protective stance caved in as well as an illusion dagger that you held boldly in your hand. "Hello?" You spoke, walking closer to the door, hands ready for anything. You turned the knob of the door, opening it.

"I need you"

"I can't forget you"

Your lips pouted hearing Bucky's voice and seeing his face….

The dagger disappeared from your hand as you stood straight. The tears slipping out again; you couldn't tell if this was a dream from your drunken daze or if it was reality.

"B-Bucky", you broke down into more tears. It was when he caressed the side of your cheek that you melted right into his hold. He pulled you into his arms, rocking the pair of you back and forth. "You need me, like I need you... Can't forget you, would never forget you" "I'm here now, and I'll never leave you", he softly picked you up bridal style, walking you both inside. The years of depression and wasted days were replaced with a sudden solace and happiness; you clung onto him, afraid that if you let go, he'd disappear. You didn't want to wake up tomorrow with just yourself.

Bucky kissed your head repeatedly, his strong cologne seeped into your senses, and everything felt okay.

"I spent five years without you" you sniffled, he was looking into your eyes with love, the same type of love he made you feel when ever he was there. He was back and you could feel it again, regardless of how long he had been gone.

"And you're not spending another without me love" he smiled kissing your forehead gently.

——————————————————————————

If you would like me to remove you from this taglist, feel free to dm me or comment below <33

Bucky Barnes' Taglist:

@buckyswintersoldiermask @lharrietg @buckyfan12@afraid-to-be-me @fairityretro @livstilinski @morganwilliams@natyvwe @hiddlespiddles-blog @iwannabekilledtwice @leyannrae @avengerbitch @honeybuckybarnes @bbl32 @in-my-body-bag@elizabeth228 @capsiclecevanss

[bisexualwolverines]

ooooo now that we're dunking on MCU i also have a few takes that aren't necessarily hot but I want to get them off my chest.

aside from obviously objectively being bad i think part of their problem is that they continuously adapt storylines with characters that weren't there in the original comic and had zero place there and rather wrote other characters to fill the void left by them. the most obvious example in my mind is a: aou, which is almost impressive bc how the fuck do you write age of ultron without hank pym?? what MADE that arc ultimately worthwhile is hank deciding after years of self hate that his life was worth living and that he was important to the avengers alive. that what made it emotional and what made it satisfying to me. but tony stark and bruce banner are not hank pym and they don't work as replacements for him, so any narrative consequences the storyline have are like all external and it doesn't work.

it's similar with infinity war & endgame, and i know these are loose adaptions but they seriously adapted the infinity saga WITHOUT adam warlock, the standout character of that arc? everything that was cool and was genuinely creatively inspired came from adam warlock and how he acted in that arc. and even then the character that COULD'VE replaced him (vision who in the MCU basically stole his identity lmao) died in the first and they used??? fucking tony stark AGAIN as a replacement???

and obviously the first spidey film is a miles storyline poorly adapted to fit their weird peter too, and again peter is miles and tony is peter in terms of miles looking up to peter which just doesn't work. and HoM / wendyslur left out all of the important characters that made it at least worthwhile, and there's probably so many other examples and i think it really shows the fundamental problem with the mcu is that they think every character is interchangeable with each other and its about who gets the most cash, who's the biggest cash cow and not about if it makes sense for the narrative arc of the character, which was what made those original comic arcs so iconic in the first place. it's just... super depressing. i guess.

yeah it really is the tony stark cinematic universe isnt it 😔

[irondad-creator-awards]

Winner Spotlight - StarryKnight09

Today we’re talking to @starryknight09​ who won Best Time Travel with Whatever It Takes.

Summary: Peter’s struggling to cope after the loss of Mr. Stark.  Everyone keeps telling him it’ll get better and that he needs to move on, but Peter doesn’t want to.  He can’t envision a life without his mentor.  So when an idea comes to him, he doesn’t hesitate, no matter how crazy it is.  He’s going to get Mr. Stark back.

“What exactly are we going to do?” Ned asked.

“Whatever it takes.” Peter answered.

How did you get into Irondad?

I’d been into the Marvel movies and Tony Stark was my favorite character, but then when I watched Spiderman: Homecoming, I saw a whole different side to him and I just loved that mentor/mentee father/son thing he had going on with Peter.  So seeing their relationship in that movie and all the potential for it was really what hooked me into the Irondad fandom.

What’s your favourite Irondad scene?

There are so many good ones to choose from!  But…if I had to pick just one I think I’d have to say the scene in Avengers: Infinity War when Spiderman’s getting beamed up to space and Ironman’s chasing after him and tells him to let go and that he’s going to catch him.  I think that whole scene shows just how far their relationship has progressed since Homecoming and the trust that’s built between them.

  When did you start writing and what made you sit down and write that first story?

I used to write a lot when I was younger – fanfic and original fiction but then I got busy with school and work so writing got pushed to the wayside for years.  I’d still read fanfic occasionally when I had time but I never wrote.  Then I watched Spiderman: Homecoming and that movie got me into Irondad.  I read some of the Irondad fanfic that was around at the time, but none of it was quite what I was looking for, so I just had this urge to write my own, which was how ‘The darkest hour is just before the dawn’ was born.

 What do you like about writing most?

Everything! (Just kidding - I hate editing). But no, really, I just love taking characters and putting them into these incredible situations and then getting to see what happens.  One of my favorite parts of writing is when I have an idea and an outline all thought out, and I start writing, and the characters just kind of take on a life of their own and say I know you wanted me to do this thing but actually I’m going to do this completely different thing and that’s going to take you down a whole different path and completely ruin all that planning and outlining you did. And the story ends up in this completely different place, but most of the time it’s so much better than what was initially planned.  Even as the writer you get to be surprised.  Writing’s just so much fun that way.

 Which of your stories is your favorite and why?

Ah!  That’s like asking a parent to pick which child is their favorite.  I obviously love them all since I created them and there are different things I like about each of them.  But if I had to choose just one I’d probably have to say ‘The darkest hour is just before the dawn’ because it was the story that started it all and got me back into writing again.

 What’s your favorite trope to write?

Definitely found family.

 What inspired the story Whatever It Takes?

I watched Avengers: Endgame and I hated the ending.  Hated it!  It almost made me legit depressed and I just couldn’t accept what Marvel had decided to do to one of my favorite characters so I started writing a way to fix it as my own personal therapy.  And then once the story was done, I just thought yep, that’s it, that’s the ending I’m accepting for myself.  Screw Marvel.

 Can you tell us a little about the experience of writing it — did anything stand out or was there a particular person that helped more than others?

Once I started writing, it literally poured out of me.  It was the fastest I’d ever written a story.  It was also the first story I ever wrote that wasn’t written chronologically from start to finish.  I wrote whatever I felt like writing at the time so it started out as a mishmash of scenes that I ended up having to fit together later.  I remember the very first scene I actually wrote for it was the scene where Peter saves Tony and their reunion.

 How did you feel to be a winner of the Awards last year?

It was an honor!  We as fanfic writers put some much time and effort into writing these stories so any kind of feedback or appreciation is always greatly valued.