#I am an anxious mess and still am giving preference to the episode

[inconmess]

Me: I am excited for today's episode!! Possible Crown Keepers and Bells Hells reunion? Hell yeah! Possible chance of seeing Sam's new character? Give it to me!

Also me: the episode airs at 7:30 am and I have been having a very bad sleep schedule this week and if I were a more responsible student I will go and talk to my teacher about my viva timings so that I will be able to catch my train on time because my stupid college decided to conduct a last minute viva on the same day I have a train, which I booked two months ago and now have no other alternative for. And talk to my internship

Me: I am excited for the episode!!!

[aggressive-positivity-network]

Spy and a very laid back love interest who is always bugging them to "just relax" and "chill a little bit"?

Oh god, this would be the best dynamic EVER. Spy would learn to chill and the partner would learn to care. It’s just...so wholesome...

Non-Emergencies:

Spy would simultaneously be trying to keep up his face-of-stone persona while also hyperventilating.

“Do...is the screw under the sofa? Perhaps next to the TV stand? If we don’t use every piece it may fall apart. Sacre...do you even care at all?!”

You raise your eyebrows. “Okay, you know what, let’s hear it.”

“Pardon?”

“If we don’t find the screw, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“YOU KILL YOURSELF ON THIS DEATH TRAP DISGUISED AS A SOFA!”

“How?”

You got him there. He thought for a while, not wanting to admit he was wrong. While he was pondering, you lift up your leg and you find the lost screw. You had been sitting on it.

“Looking for this?”

Spy snatched the screw away from you, cursing under his breath. You can’t help but snicker.

“Listen, if furniture killed, IKEA would have gone out of business long ago.”

“Oui, oui, you are hilarious. Hon hon hon.”

“Aw, you’re so cute when you get all worried about me.”

“Go to hell.”

“Only if I can take you with me.”

After Work:

A lot of times, Spy will come home from jobs absolutely exhausted. He usually finds comfort in you. The Frenchman has told you when he was particularly tired that you “smell like home.” If you are still up, he’ll sit next to you on the couch and eventually fall asleep on your shoulder.

However, every once in a while, he will walk through the door, his eyes wide, his body shaking, and his hair a mess. After those nights, he is always jumpy and anxious for the next week or so.

During those periods, you make sure to give him some extra TLC. You take over meal duties for a while, you make sure to watch shows that don’t have gunfire, screaming, or combat, and you make sure to pour positive thoughts back into his life.

“Spy, I saw the cutest Pomeranian! I know you’ve said you always wanted one.”

“My barista was French, and her name is Mimi! I may have a bit of competition...”

“I saw a double rainbow on the way home! My grandpa always said that double rainbows meant a happy marriage - I guess he was right!”

You’d know he’d be feeling better when you’d come home to the smell of camomile and disinfectant...he always cleaned and made tea when he was in a good mood.

It was also his way of “making it up to you.” He’s always embarrassed about his episodes, but you always secretly like loving on him a bit.

He never let you treat him this romantically otherwise - he felt it was his responsibility to swoon.

But, despite his aversion to being spoiled, he always seems to have a smile on his face when you surprise him with gifts and loving words.

Problems With Being Assertive:

Even though you are as kind as you can to everyone, sometimes kindness isn’t enough. But due to your large family and little personal time growing up, you are a little too forgiving when it comes to how people treat you.

Spy, however, is intolerant of any disrespect. He has scared off many telemarketers and belligerent Girl Scouts with his withering looks and sharp words.

One night, you both were at a restaurant, and you ordered a salad to eat before the main course, as this establishment was known for taking their sweet time with dishes.

Twenty minutes later, your salad arrives, absolutely covered in cheddar cheese. Because you’re lactose intolerant, you had ordered no cheese AT ALL, but your salad had so much cheese you couldn’t even see the top of the lettuce.

Now, Spy has an almost scary memory, and knows exactly what you ordered, but he doesn’t say anything except that you should probably ask for another salad.

“This is their job, mon chéri. If they did not do it correctly, that is not your fault.”

You finally do pluck up your courage and ask the waiter to get a salad without cheese.

They are reluctant, saying that wasn’t what you ordered the first time, but a glare from Spy sent them scurrying back to the kitchen. You get a little irritated.

“Honey, they’re trying their best. Working at a restaurant is hard enough already without remaking something I didn’t have to eat.”

Spy raised his eyebrows. “Something you didn’t have to eat? That you expressly asked for? At a restaurant?”

“You know what I mean.”

The salad comes back and it is very obviously the same salad but with handfuls of cheese picked off. There was still quite a bit left.

Spy is now visibly angry, and you look to him for help, but he shakes his head. He wants you to deal with this on your own. You can’t rely on his social bravery forever. He just gestures to the waiter, who is already starting to walk away, and smiles.

You take a deep breath.

“I’m really sorry, but there’s still cheese on it...I can’t...I can’t eat it.”

The waiter rolls his eyes. “If we make your salad again, you’ll have to pay for all three.

“There’s...only two.”

“You sent it back, we remade it, and now you want me to remake it again. Three.”

“But then why did you add cheese this time?”

“You ordered it.”

“I did not order cheese on my salad! I am really, really lactose intolerant! And...and I ordered no cheese so I wouldn’t be throwing up all weekend! So why would I order cheese?”

“You should have informed us of any allergies you had.”

“I did! By asking for no cheese! What, do I need a doctor’s note to eat here?!”

The waiter started to say something else, but you cut him off.

“It wouldn’t even be that big a deal if your food didn’t take an hour and a half to get here! I haven’t eaten since breakfast, because all my orders got backed up! I just wanted a salad! A salad to eat while your gourmet chef put your gourmet dishes in a gourmet microwave! I thought I could come in, talk with my beautiful husband, and eat a little more than I should so I could konk out watching Nailed It! when I got home! I don’t want to argue with you! I just want a damn salad!”

You strike the table, causing your silverware to clink together. You put your head in your hands and massage your temples for a few seconds.

“So. A salad. With no cheese. Not extra, not some, not picked off. None.”

Spy grinned, impressed.

“I would listen to them if I were in your position, mon ami. You have cleaning duty tonight, no?”

The waiter nodded slowly.

“Let’s just say I have to book a hotel when they accidentally eat dairy. It even set off the fire alarm once, didn’t it, dearest?”

You cock an eyebrow, but you agree to play along. He didn’t have to take it that far.

The waiter blushed scarlet and retreated back to the kitchen. He didn’t say anything all night, and followed each of your instructions to a T.

Once you got back in the car, you smacked Spy on the shoulder.

“Set off the fire alarm?! Seriously?”

“I have been lying all day, mon amour. Forgive me if I wasn’t exactly up to snuff this evening.”

“We can never go here again! Ever! I’ll be known as the guy who almost blew up the bathroom!”

“It isn’t such a loss...I much prefer dining in anyway.”

There was a silence. Suddenly, Spy wrapped his arms around you and kissed you so suddenly you almost fell over. He pulled back after a while, taking his mask off.

“You are so irresistible when you’re angry...”

You giggled. “Did I find a sweet spot?”

“Oui. Most definitely.”

“We’re not going to go to the movies, are we?”

“Unless you prefer the smell of stale popcorn to get you in the mood.”

“You had better make it up to me after tonight.”

“Oh, I will, mon chou. I will.”

**************

I know that this is a little shorter than usual, but I wanted to leave a little more to the imagination. Besides, some bigger HCs are coming up, and I don’t want you to be reading a novel every time I answer a request.

Call this a Non-canon Novella!

[s1utspeare]

OMGOMGOMG U REBLOGGED THIS OK UHHHHHHH GIMME FO YE FEELS

FO-YE???? YOU WANT FO-YE?????? 

How I feel about this character: i fell in love with fo-ye literally yesterday. cause like. ok ok it was so funny cause i started mystic nine under the impression that fo-ye was like. an old wise dude cause zhang rishan was always like “my master. fo-ye. i must follow His Path.” so i thought fo-ye was just gonna be chilling at ninety but then HE TURNED OUT TO BE GORGEOUS??? LIKE HOLY SHIT SIR. but I was still on the M9 bus for zhang baby rishan and thEN i saw a behind the scenes blooper clip where William Chan laughed and i was gone. sorry. i love him now. 

also writing the Fo-Ye scenes in Swiftly Tilting ended me and i would like to formally sue myself for emotional damages

All the people I ship romantically with this character: i am a firm supporter of the er-ye/yatou/fo-ye/xinyue polycule. They would all?? be perfect together?? also it just makes sense. fo-ye is literally SO GAY for er-ye it’s insane. This man sold all of his shit for er-ye. he would do anything for him. and I think that he and Yatou would also get along very well?? like they’re the two introverts of the group, and they have quiet chats over tea while er-ye teaches xinyue stage combat in the yard. and i genuinely really like him and xinyue together! she’s so bright and feisty and doesn’t take any of fo-ye’s shit! also (im only on episode fourteen so this might become True Canon later) i headcanon that zhang rishan ADORES xinyue and they’re like. best friends. xinyue is vp of the fo-ye fanclub only bc zhang rishan is way too good at being president. 

also they’re all like. real actual adults?? like they have their SHIT together i just want them to live happily ever after with each other in domestic bliss and invite fuba over for dinner. and also they have the biggest bed known to man bc xinyue does NOT like cuddling when sleeping and also she kicks and er-ye always has to be the big spoon bc he’s a caretaker at his core and yatou like sleeping on the outside bc she doesn’t want to feel trapped and fo-ye secretly takes a lot of comfort in being in the middle of cuddle piles bc he likes being able to tell where everyone is subconsciously so they have like a specially built bed that’s like a double king so they can all sleep together but also have their preferences be met. damn why did i write so much about their bed. uh anyway. polycule rights 

(also i kinda ship fo-ye/Third Prince bc all of their interactions at the auction WERE FUCKING ADORABLE)

My non-romantic OTP for this character: ZHANG BROS BABBBBYYYYY also i really like his relationship with ba-ye??? i would never ship them romantically (mostly bc ba-ye is Way Too Done with fo-ye at literally any moment) but they are SO GONE FOR EACH OTHER PLATONICALLY. like episode one we had fo-ye coming in to kick Everyone’s asses and save ba-ye and if that doesn’t give u BroTP vibes i don’t know what will. Also love all of the ba-ye and fo-ye Life Changing Field trips. 

My unpopular opinion about this character: he’s kind of a dick??? like not overtly and not a lot but like. he sort of ruined peng sanbian’s life (not that peng sanbian was a particularly good person) and his marriage?? and he arrested chen pi for like no reason instead of just talking to him and then fucked off to beiping and let zhang rishan deal with that mess. and he’s constantly going behind er-ye’s back and manipulating him into doing things and also that one scene where he made zhang rishan and ba-ye just stand there and watch while he investigated the Weird Tomb when he KNOWS that zhang baby rishan would literally be so anxious the entire time and inevitably Fuck Something Up due to his constantly need to Be of Help to Fo-Ye. And don’t even get me STARTED on whatever the fuck he was doing in Gutongjing. And making Zhang Rishan feel like he could never move on or be happy bc he had to follow him, even in death. and i think he knows that he’s doing it, too

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I WISH WE KNEW FOR SURE HOW HE DIED I WISH WE KNEW THIS. it feels like there’s something so huge missing there and i want to find out about it ASAP. like. we sort of have an idea of it but he’s so intertwined with Gutongjing and Jiumen and Warehouse 11 that it seems super remiss to just leave out his death and the events surrounding it, but then again the series isn’t finished so if we get fo-ye death backstory in sha hai 2 i’m committing atrocities

IN CONCLUSION FO-YE I LOVE HIM here’s a screenshot of Zhang Baby Rishan checking out ✨Dat Ass✨

[edorazzi]

It’s the post everyone’s been waiting for! 

It’s taken a little while for me to get around to this, but it’s worth it for being able to make a full reaction post. This is really long so I’ll put it under a cut, but check it out for my complete scene-by-scene reaction of Miraculous’ “Felix” episode! (´∀｀)♡

Okay, I’ve been putting this off for days now so it’s time to finally get to it. I’m comfy and undisturbed and have my supplies ready to go.

I know next to nothing about what I’m going into. I’ve seen a little bit here and there because some people haven’t tagged their content properly, but I haven’t watched either of the trailers. I haven’t even looked directly at the images of Felix which have been going around. I’ve tried to stay as blind as possible, so as a result I’m pretty excited but also very anxious. I’ve taken two beta blockers today and I’m considering taking a third.

I usually liveblog episodes on our Ladybug PV Discord server (message me for an invite!) but this time I’m making a proper post out of it. I’ll be typing up my reactions as I go then cleaning everything up a little bit afterwards. I think it’s the first time I’ve done something like this on my blog so here goes!

- “Script: Thomas Astruc” NO. HE REALLY COULDN’T JUST STEP AWAY FROM THIS EPISODE GRACEFULLY, COULD HE. HE HAD TO GET HIS HANDS DIRTY. I’m not going to say “fuck this man” but, you know, identical sentiments. I’m opening my chocolate bar.

- God, Emilie looks more like ET every time I see her. Such an awkward model.

- Oh but wait, Sébastien Thibaudeau was on the script? That does actually give me some hope! Next to Zag himself he’s the only writer on this mess of a show I trust. HE FIXED WAYHEM, CAN HE DO FELIX A SOLID TOO? PLEASE. PLEASE SÉBASTIEN OL BUDDY OL PAL OL FRIENDA MINE

- Does Gabe have anything else to say to his wife other than monologuing his Miraculous plan over and over? They say people in comas can still hear things but Emilie’s probably double unconscious from how boring her husband is.

- DON’T LIKE THAT KNIFE SOUND EFFECT FROM THOSE RINGS. Am I supposed to find it sweet that Gabe’s taking such good care of their wedding bands or is he about to use them for evil? Also where’s Felix.

- ADRIEN SWEETHEART. I maintain that it’s weird to have a statue of your wife/mother/self in your own garden but it kills me that he’s just sitting there in front of it like a lost kitten.

- “Of course, someone will get you right away.” IS THAT FELIX. WAS SHE ON THE PHONE TO FELIX. WHERE’S MY SON, NATHALIE HAVE YOU SEEN MY SON

- That wide-eyed look Adrien turns up towards the window is killing me even more. I’M SO SAD. I see he also hasn’t noticed he’s sitting in the middle of a giant butterfly circle, unless he’s so used to it being Gabe’s logo that he’s just not paying it any mind. When was this all built? Has Gabe always used a butterfly motif even before he got his Miraculous and it was just a great coincidence, or did he commission this whole garden area after Emilie went missing? I guess you could pass it off as eccentricity but in the real world that would be a HUGE red flag that Gabe murdered her. I dunno man.

- DON’T WAVE AT HIM LIKE THAT, NATHALIE. YOU RATTED HIM OUT IN 5 SECONDS IN THAT THEORETICAL FUTURE WHERE YOU DISCOVERED HE WAS CHAT NOIR. YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT THIS BOY. >:V

- “It’s been one year.” HAS IT? Hasn’t Adrien been at school for at least a year now? Didn’t his mom vanish two years prior to that?! Maybe she’s talking about how long Gabe has been fighting Ladybug and Chat Noir but knowing this show’s messy timeline it could be anything. WHERE’S FELIX.

- That’s the song from Chat Blanc! Was that something his mom taught him? OH NO, I’M EVEN SADDER NOW. This is what I mean about Sébastien’s writing, we’d never get this kind of focus on Adrien from Garbage Man Astruc. This kind of character exploration does wonders for ML whenever it’s brought up so I hope this is consistent.

- SHIT, GABRIEL’S OUT OF THE HOUSE. SOMETHING’S WRONG. THOSE EXPENSIVE LEATHER SHOES HAVEN’T TOUCHED ACTUAL GROUND IN YEARS. ADRIEN GET OUT OF THERE.

- I do like that Adrien doesn’t get up when his dad comes to stand right next to him like that. It’s just informal enough. He’s waiting for Gabe to make the first move this time and that’s nice development considering how stiff and cold their relationship was in S1.

- OOOOH GABE THAT’S AN AWKWARD CROUCH. Any lower down and his back is going to go. He’ll be stuck there. I do LOVE that he’s trying though, I don’t even know what he’s going to say to Adrien but this is already SO good.

- “There’s something important I have to talk to you about.” Finally time for The Talk, huh.

- GABE PLEASE. ADRIEN’S WAY TOO CHIRPY TO HAVE ACTUALLY CAUGHT ON TO WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY. HE THINKS YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY YOU LOVE HIM OR SOMETHING ELSE RIDICULOUS

- “I’ve noticed how close you and Nathalie have become!” CLOSE ENOUGH. Still in the ballpark of Adrien thinking his dad has real human feelings! 

- “HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK SUCH A THING??” I GENUINELY LAUGHED OUT LOUD AT HOW ANGRY GABE WAS ABOUT THAT. I’m not sure what to think of the “Nathalie replacing Emilie when Emilie’s technically still alive” plot either but GABE’S DECIDED FOR ME. Also good job yelling in your son’s face when you were JUST having a moment, good luck getting back up off your knees in order to storm away, old man.

- Oh alright, he did get up, but it was with a strange angry bow-legged prance. I think he still had trouble.

- I love the way Adrien just kinda wide-eye-blinks at him, like Gabe’s emotional outburst is going totally over his head. He’s been dealing with akuma FAR too long to be bothered by this.

- Guests, plural? I’m guessing Felix is one of them but is he with someone else? That makes sense given he’s (as far as I’ve gathered) the same age as Adrien so he wouldn’t be running around far from home unchaperoned, but OHHH this is so interesting.

- So they ARE claiming it’s been one year since Emilie vanished! This just doesn’t work as a Season 3 episode, especially with Nathalie and Gabe’s romantic development being as far along as it is. Emilie’s been gone for at LEAST three years by this point! Read your show bible once in a while you horrible garbage man!!! Also ADRIEN SWEETHEART THAT’S A LITTLE PREMATURE. You can say “went away forever” when you’re three years into her disappearance, the anniversary of one year really isn’t long enough to claim she’s never coming back!

- OH NO, IT’S THE GIRLS. I’m already bored. Unless Luka is here I really just do not care what they’re all up to. I haven’t missed Marinette at ALL in the first two-and-a-half minutes and I don’t want to see her now. WHERE’S FELIX.

- I’m sorry, how are Lila, Chloé AND Kagami all on a video call together without any blood being drawn? Also for god’s sake PLEASE leave Adrien alone, you want to ask first if he’d LIKE some company or if he’d prefer a quiet personal day to think about his mom? OF COURSE NOT MARINETTE, YOU WOULDN’T WOULD YOU. 

- Okay, a video message is definitely a better idea than trying to break into his house AGAIN. At least then he can watch it whenever he feels up to it. The first good, safe, noninvasive idea Mari’s had for SEVERAL episodes when it comes to Adrien.

- I’M REALLY TORN WHEN IT COMES TO THE ENGLISH DUB. On one hand I hate how little screentime Nino has when he’s not just being Alya’s fashion accessory, but on the other hand I’m so glad they switched scenes the moment Nino started his video because I CANNOT handle his dub voice. Nino just deserves better in general really.

- HE WAS CRYING. MY BOY WAS CRYING AGAIN. I’M NOT COOL WITH THIS. IT’S NOT ABOVE YOUR PAYGRADE TO GIVE HIM A HUG, NATHALIE.

- ALRIGHT HI ELSA. IS THIS HIS AUNT? THAT’S SPOOKY. 

- Her name is Amelie? So their parents had twins and named them Amelie and Emilie, and they turned out the same right down to the over-the-shoulder Dead Anime Mom hairstyles? That’s lazy parenting down to a tee, can’t mix your twins up if you never have to learn the difference between them in the first place! But that’s INTERESTING that Felix is (I assume, still haven’t seen him yet) from Emilie’s side of the family, I’ve always had the impression he was a petit Gabriel.

- OHHH THAT’S MY BOY! I CAN SEE MY BOY IN THE DOORWAY!!! OH MY GOD GIVE HIM TO ME. GIVE ME FELIX. GIVE ME MY SON.

- ADRIEN IMMEDIATELY JUMPING ON HIM IN A HUG IS ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. WHILE FELIX’S HAND IS STILL OUTSTRETCHED FOR A HANDSHAKE. I know this episode is going to go downhill because there’s no way it won’t, but this one single moment is EVERYTHING I WANTED. I should just close the tab now and leave it at this, I really should.

- “Do you remember when they used to have so much fun pretending to be each other? Once they had you and Emilie fooled for a whole weekend!” WHERE HAS THIS BEEN FOR MY ENTIRE ORDEAL GETTING THROUGH THIS SERIES. I don’t even care if this Felix is a stone cold bitch, it’s enough to know he and Adrien were besties when they were kids and Adrien still wanted to hug him the second he walked through the door. AMAZING.

- “I WON’T BE FOOLED A SECOND TIME.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, GABE. THEY WERE PROBABLY TODDLERS. ARE YOU JUST SO USED TO GETTING YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU BY CHILDREN THAT YOU’RE SUSPICIOUS OF EVERY SINGLE ONE NOW

- Aww, Felix is American (dubbed, anyway). I was really hoping he’d be British with all the references to London over the last season. He does have a nice voice though! I can tell he shares Adrien’s actor but he’s got the softness I’d have expected from his character. There’s kind of an interesting look about his face though, I wish they’d tweaked it a bit to give him a sharper look but I guess he IS like 14, he can afford to still have a bit of baby-cheeked roundness. I’m going to find the positives in every part of this because I will NOT give Garbage Man Astruc the satisfaction of being disappointed like I know he wants me to be. It’s been a fucking war from the moment I saw his name in the writing credits and my best weapon is being pleased about everything in this episode.

- Okay, he looks a little better in the following closeup where his eyes are slightly narrowed. I think it’s the slightly-below-the-chin angle which doesn’t really work for his character model with his soft cheeks and high collar. FELIX IS A BABY.

- WHY WILL NOBODY SHAKE HIS HAND. Adrien hugged him instead and Gabe is ignoring him completely, Felix is clearly so perplexed and I love it. He’s fourteen! He’s fourteen and doing his best with social graces but NOBODY WILL HELP HIM.

- “Felix, you know your uncle’s never been the physical sort!” HE KICKED HIS OWN SON RIGHT ACROSS PARIS IN THE LAST EPISODE BUT SURE, IF YOU SAY SO.

- “Oh, how sweet! You’re still wearing your wedding band!” YEAH? IT’S BEEN LIKE A YEAR?? Again this would make more sense if it had been around three years like we KNOW Emilie’s been gone for, but picking someone out for still wearing their ring after 12 months?! And why isn’t Amelie more emotional about this anyway, isn’t it her sister who’s missing? I wouldn’t be poking fun at MY sister’s husband for keeping his ring if SHE went missing. No wonder Felix seems like he turned out weird.

- I CAN’T MAKE OUT THE NAME OF HER BRANCH OF THE FAMILY AND IT’S KILLING ME. SOMEONE LET ME KNOW WHAT THAT WAS. Graham de Vanily? I can’t place the words. I mean I’m going to keep calling Felix “Agreste” no matter what but I’d like to know what canon is trying to get at.

- “It’s been a long journey from London” I KNEW IT, I FFFFFFFFFUCKING KNEW IT. SO THEY ARE BRITISH?! BUT THEY HAVE AMERICAN ACCENTS?! I mean I guess they’re French first and foremost, but what the fuck is with the American accents if you’re making a POINT about them being from London?! I can’t wait for the French audio to be released, I really want to know what Felix sounds like there. Regardless AAAH MY SON IS FROM MY CITY, I’M SO PLEASED.

- “TakeFelixtoyourbedroom.” EASY GABE THEY JUST MET, ALSO THEY’RE COUSINS

- Poor Felix looks so depressed being saddled with Adrien. Sweetie it’s okay, think positive! You could be stuck with Marinette and THAT would be a true nightmare.

- Now why does Felix keep glancing at Gabe? Is there something going on there? Is he suspicious about what happened to his aunt? I can’t imagine he knows anything about the Miraculous so what’s the deal here?

- UuuuuUUUUGH we’re back with the rest of the gang. I’M NOT INTERESTED, SHOW ME MORE FELIX.

- “Help me Tikki! What would you tell a Kwami friend who’s lost their mom?!” You’re talking to a 5000-year-old demigoddess, Mari, I don’t think she’s gonna relate.

- MARI YOU CAN’T CONFESS TO ADRIEN. NOT AFTER CHAT BLANC. GABE WILL LOSE ALL HIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT TO WRECK THE LOVE SQUARE AND ALSO THE MOON’S GOING TO EXPLODE. WHY ISN’T BUNNIX HERE TO SLAP THE TABLET OUT OF YOUR HANDS

- Should Tikki really be encouraging this?! I have no idea where in the timeline this is supposed to be. Maybe this is at a stage where she doesn’t know Adrien is Plagg’s chosen so there’s no reason to steer Marinette away from bonding with him. Or maybe every episode just plays by its own rules and there’s really no such thing as continuity in this series. I want to see Felix again.

- YANKING AT AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE ON THE OUTER EDGE OF A BOAT ISN’T GOING TO END WELL. DON’T. I do love how :D Alya is about it though, if nothing else I love what a supportive friend she is.

- Oh, the tablet didn’t go into the water! I’m genuinely surprised by that. Though I imagine Felix is going to fuck things up in some way so he’ll probably be the one to destroy the video somehow. We all know the relationship development isn’t allowed to move forward so SOMETHING’S going to happen to it.

- Thank god we’re back to the mansion. I’m surprised and pleased that (for now at least) we’re only getting the girls in small doses and the plot is mainly focused around the Agrestes. Gorizilla is my favourite episode to date and it did a similar thing with allowing Marinette to be a side character for once along an Adrien-centric plotline, so hopefully this episode will be similar. I’m liking its odds so far but who knows what Horrible Garbage Man Astruc has up his sleeve.

- “I’m really sorry I didn’t come to your dad’s funeral.” I’M SORRY WHAT? PARDON ME? THAT’S AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM I DIDN’T EXPECT. As a side note I love Felix being killer at basketball for some reason, he doesn’t look like the athletic type at ALL but he still made that net over his shoulder without even LOOKING. Goddamn. Can everyone please appreciate how cool my son is!!!

- “My father thought it would be too hard on me, considering everything that’s happened this year.” So Felix lost his dad VERY RECENTLY. OUCH. DON’T LIKE THAT. Or I DO like that because it’s already giving his character some extra depth when we’re still only just getting to know him, but on an emotional level I don’t like that. 

- “He’s very... protective of me.” CHAT BLANC REALLY WAS A HOT MESS OF AN EPISODE WASN’T IT. 

- Now Felix is giving Adrien a hug?! I didn’t see that one coming. My canon Felix would mean it but I don’t quite trust this new Felix yet, he’s probably up to something.

- WHAT A JARRING PIANO TRANSITION. Also why?! What does he have to gain from swiping Adrien’s phone? He’s probably got a terrible roaming plan on his own mobile, that’s always my problem when I go to France. If you truly loved your cousin you’d let him browse Reddit on your phone, Adrien. This is worse than not coming to his dad’s funeral.

- PLAGG KNOWS SOMETHING’S UP. He ought to, in another life he and Felix are STILL dealing with each other.

- Okay I take back what I said about Felix’s voice. Bryce Whatshisface isn’t doing a very good job separating the tones. I can buy that Adrien and Felix sound very similar but their delivery should be completely different! I really do want to watch this in French, I get the feeling it’ll sound much better.

- AH YES, HERE WE GO. I’m getting the feeling this is Garbage Man’s part of the episode. Squished cheese aside, I do like the implication Felix does (or did) card magic and karate. I’m thinking of that Mickey Mouse episode where he vanishes Donald’s car keys with a hand trick except it’s Felix vanishing Marinette’s phone when she’s about to text Adrien or something. I’ve got to draw that.

- “Mind if I take a shower?” WHY, FELIX. I mean I’d probably want to shower too after the London-Paris commute (and I’m sure he’s only going in there to wreak havoc, put food colouring in Adrien’s shampoo bottles or something) but what a weird time to ask!

- I mean Plagg has a point about difficult home situations not justifying bad behaviour (and I feel like that’s not what’s going on, with how he was glaring at Gabe I think he’s behaving like this for some other reason), but Felix’s dad LITERALLY DIED. Like they had a funeral and everything. Emilie is just “missing”. They’re SIMILAR but that’s still a false equivalence because Adrien’s got hope to hold on to and Felix doesn’t.

- So we’re not going to talk about how Felix got into Adrien’s passcode-protected phone? I guess he could have done the fogging-up-the-screen trick from Oblivio. Standing around in a steamy bathroom in three layers of clothing is a great way to sweat yourself out and ruin your hair though, way to get even more gross than a five-hour commute between countries.

- “Of course that idiot has a crush on a superhero!” EASY THERE, MR HOWLING-ON-A-ROOFTOP-BECAUSE-HE-SAW-THE-GIRL-HE-LIKED. WE’VE ALL SEEN THE PV.

- I’ve just noticed Felix has a ring too! I don’t know how I missed that before this scene! That’s NICE. He’s still not allowed to have it on his middle finger (LET HIM SWEAR) but that’s a nod back to Chat Noir which I really appreciate!

- ROSE HAS BEEN ON THE HELIUM. SOMETHING’S NOT RIGHT THERE.

- FELIX KNOWS CHLOÉ! THAT’S NICE, THAT’S GOOD. I LIKE THAT. That’s also a really nice little video from her, I love the few small moments we’ve had that affirm she and Adrien really ARE friends, whether she wants to date him or not. 

- OOOH HE DELETED THE VIDEOS. I’m curious about him borrowing Adrien’s clothes too, are they going to dress the same? You’d think Adrien wouldn’t give someone an exact copy of the outfit he’s currently wearing but I genuinely don’t know if he owns anything different. I hope they don’t just use two Adrien models for the rest of the episode, please let me see Felix properly :/

- WHY. HONESTLY, WHY. CAN I PLEASE GET AN EXPLANATION FOR WHY FELIX IS DOING THIS.

- OOOH MARI YOU’RE NOT GONNA LIKE THIS. I can imagine Felix is going to say something nasty and that’ll set the girls off and bring about the akuma of the week. I’m mildly entertained but I’m still not engaged with this idea without any proper explanation. We’d better get something by the end of the episode which justifies what’s made Felix do this, because “he’s just evil lol” would be a reeeeally low move from Garbage Man Astruc. 

- MARI SWEETIE. YOU’VE GOTTA LEARN TO CHECK A ROOM IS EMPTY BEFORE YOU RUN INSIDE AND START FREAKING OUT VERY LOUDLY. LUKA’S HEARD ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. 

- Luka is such a nice character. Why does he get to be so high quality when Felix has been turned into a cheese-smashing phone-stealing gremlin? I mean I KNOW why, but I’d like to think the showwriters are better than this. They’re not, but I’d like to think they are.

- WHAT A VIDEO MESSAGE. I love how Luka’s just sitting there grimacing while Mari speeds off into battle, he doesn’t know what she’s about to do but he knows better than to try stopping her.

- Back with Gabe and Nathalie. Is this what was being foreshadowed when Gabe claimed he wouldn’t be fooled by the boys’ identity switch twice? Is he GOING to be fooled again or will he be the one person who can tell immediately that this isn’t his son? 

- “FELIX.” WOW, HE REALLY WASN’T FOOLED TWICE. RESPECT. He may have trouble getting up off the ground if he sits down too low but he can at least identify his child in a difficult situation like this, props to Gabe this week.

- “All this disappointment might just help us get rid of our unwanted guests!” SHUT YOUR MOUTH, FELIX IS A DELIGHT. The only unwanted guest here is Astruc on the writing team.

- “Felix... I told you that you couldn’t fool me twice.” Way to blow your identity in five seconds Gabe. I guess he hasn’t sent out the akuma yet so this might just be a personal monologue, but he starts addressing his victims directly so often at this stage that I’m really not sure what they can or can’t hear. SHIT’S RISKY.

- OH OKAY, SO HE’S SENDING THIS TRIPLE AKUMA AFTER FELIX? AND/OR ADRIEN, DEPENDING ON HOW HARD IT IS TO TELL THEM APART? I guess that’s what he means by getting rid of their guests, if the house is attacked by a monster (or monsters?) they aren’t going to want to stick around, but I REALLY HOPE YOU’RE TAKING ADRIEN’S WELLBEING INTO ACCOUNT HERE GABE OL BUDDY :/

- “TIKKI, SPOTS ON! MNUURGH” ME TOO MARINETTE. I’M REALLY ONLY 12 MINUTES INTO THIS.

- I’m gonna be honest, I’m not really interested in the girls. I was hoping for a real triple akuma (like Oblivio was apparently Alya and Nino together) but they’re all just villains we’ve seen before. There’s stuff I could comment on here but I just want to see more of Felix, that’s what I’m here for.

- “Nathalie, get Adrien to a safe place far from his cousin!” YOU’RE REALLY JUST GONNA SACRIFICE FELIX LIKE THIS. I guess that makes sense, I WAS complaining during Chat Blanc that Adrien is Gabriel’s weak point, so all things considered I’m not surprised that he’ll protect Adrien but just flat-out wants Felix dead. Fair enough.

- WOW. I THOUGHT ADRIEN WAS GOING TO BE HEROIC AND DEFEND FELIX BUT HE WANTS HIM DEAD TOO. Or was that a double bluff to make the akuma think he MUST be Felix so he can lead them away and keep his cousin safe? He’s just run off with a wild cackle so I’m thinking it’s the latter. HE’S A GOOD BOY AND A TRUE HERO.

- I also find it kind of funny how Nathalie will jump in harm’s way to defend him when there have been INNUMERABLE other episodes of Gabe just setting an akuma directly on Adrien for the hell of it. Maybe because there isn’t really any ‘harm’ here to start with; the three girls’ powers are probably the least violent of all the akuma we’ve seen so far.

- AM I REALLY ABOUT TO SEE FELIX DRESSED AS ADRIEN DOING KARATE. I HOPE HE’S GOOD AT IT.

- OH MY GOD HE IS GOOD AT IT. That’s cool! I was expecting him to totally flop considering how badly his imposter trick went down a few minutes ago, but it’s nice to see he’s as capable at fighting as he is at basketball. When do I get to see his magic card tricks?

- YEAH I FEEL THE SAME PLAGG. WHAT’S EVEN HAPPENING. Not that I think Adrien shouldn’t save Felix, I just want to know WHY Felix felt like he had to do this in the first place! I feel like “can I PLEASE get a waffle” except instead of watching the employees fight I’m watching this episode careening away with no pauses to explain what’s going on.

- FELIX C’MON. STOP CAUSING PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE. I can tell Garbage Man Astruc still has the reins here because causing even MORE trouble even AFTER Adrien saved his ass is a completely illogical course of action. PUT SÉBASTIEN BACK IN THE WRITERS CHAIR.

- “WHICH PART OF THE WORD ‘NO’ DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!” Oh perfect, great, can’t let this episode end without accusing Felix of not respecting consent! That’s a hot button issue and if Garbage Man Astruc can get him on that bandwagon then fans HAVE to hate this character! Great move! Fucking pillock!

- WOW CHAT THAT’S MEAN. I guess accusing Felix of having no friends is justified in the context of the episode but yikes :(

- Was that a flash of humiliation from Felix there? God will one of the writers PLEASE save this character, PLEASE don’t let this episode end without someone getting him out of the Garbage Man’s big meaty claws.

- Excuse me WHAT? Felix is talking directly to Papillon?! So he knows about all the Miraculous stuff?! Oh NO, is this about getting his dad back? I don’t know whether the One Wish is common knowledge (I don’t think it is?) but maybe Felix put the pieces together on his own back home, so all his behaviour here has been trying to incite an akuma that he can take advantage of to appeal to Papillon?! Or he could just be a bitch all on his own, which is probably what the Garbage Man would prefer, but this makes a lot of sense all of a sudden.

- BRO HE NEARLY DIED. BRO. BROOO.

- “I hope you’ve learned your lesson!” YOU’RE NOT EVEN GONNA ASK ABOUT THE PAPILLON THING? YOU CAN’T JUST TREAT THIS AS A REGULAR DISTURBANCE, FELIX KNOWS SHIT ABOUT THE MIRACULOUS YOU GUYS--

- FELIX’S MOM IS REALLY GOING TO BLAME HIS DEAD DAD FOR THIS? HARD YIKES. NO WONDER FELIX IS WEIRD.

- I’m expecting this isn’t over, because Felix still clearly wants something specific that he didn’t get, but I’ll take this cute hug for what it is. He didn’t have an evil expression behind Adrien’s back this time either and the music is all soft and nice, plus he FINALLY got a handshake from Gabe, but I absolutely do NOT imagine this episode will end without getting an extra shot in at the PV fans somehow. We’re not getting off this easy.

- Why doesn’t Gabriel want Adrien to go after Felix? Is he scared he’ll try to run off, or ask them to stay longer when he really wants to get rid of them?

- AHAHA FELIX STOLE GABE’S RING. WHAT A BRAT. Was that the “jewelry” he mentioned wanting in return for helping Papillon? I figured it was a Miraculous thing but maybe not.

- OHHH, look how much Felix loves his mom! This is such a sweet scene. I particularly like the idea that Amelie was trying to get the rings back to give one to Felix because the way she was speaking to Gabe made it sound like she wanted them Just Because. But you can’t mention some wild story connected to the rings and then not explain it! I want to know what that is, I want to know why Felix is so fascinated with it!!!

- ALSO, FELIX GETTING A BIG KISS RIGHT ON THE FOREHEAD. EXCELLENT. I’ll fucking BET this is another scene Sébastien sneaked in because it’s such an emotional quality shift from the whole clone mess. Like what the fuck even WAS that.

- Yep, Felix is still evil! WHY THOUGH. WHAT’S GOING ON. CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE

- I was expecting a worse ending, but “Felix can’t ever come back to Paris because Gabriel will kill him with his bare hands if he does” is decent enough. If there’s no further confirmation (and NO, anything Garbage Man Astruc tweets later on does NOT fucking count so don’t try me) I’m going to take it that he WAS actually sorry for what he did to Adrien. That’s better than nothing.

.

.

WELL THAT WAS AN EPISODE. That actually wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be - it could have been a lot better but it could have been a lot worse too. The beginning and end were nice enough even if the middle part was Garbage Man Astruc’s usual atrocious mess of self-service, though I do particularly despise the hamfisted consent issue shoved in there just to generate extra reasons to hate the character. WE GET IT, YOU DON’T LIKE FELIX. OFF YOU FUCK. 

I’ve slept on this next paragraph to give myself time to formulate some concrete thoughts about the plot, so... Well, it was a mess, that’s for sure. They spent way too much time establishing how oH sO eViL Felix was and not nearly enough time actually explaining his character. 

Why is he acting out like this? What has he got against Adrien in particular? Is he really sore about Adrien not supporting him at his dad’s funeral or is that just what Adrien thinks is his problem? What was his relationship with his dad before he died? Was his troublemaking all about trying to provoke an akuma and ask Papillon to help him get his family rings back (which he was clearly trying to steal from the moment he walked through the door, only Gabe wouldn’t shake his hand the first time), or was that just a side effect of causing shit for no reason? Did he mean his apology to Adrien at the end? WHAT was the deal with the rings and the story attached to them? There’s a whole interesting story buried in here which just got completely overlooked by the emphasis on how terrible he was and that’s really disappointing. 

I did like his damaged-but-still-good relationship with Adrien though, there’s still hope there and maybe Felix (if he ever shows up again, which I only hope he does if it’s NOT another excuse for Garbage Man Astruc to shit on the PV fandom again, for the love of FUCK don’t give this guy multiple opportunities) will start coming around and making the effort to be a better cousin since Adrien’s given him a second chance. I don’t know. What I liked just as much was Marinette actually barely being in this episode at all, for the first time since Gorizilla she’s ALLOWED to be the supporting character again and that’s GREAT.

I don’t really know what else to say. I’m exhausted. Adrien’s a darling and I think I prefer my Twin AU, though canon Felix being a delightful little gremlin who causes problems-on-purpose is something I can work with in the future too. 

Thanks for coming on this... interesting journey with me! I posted a set of tweets last night which I’ll leave here to finish up:

[jaskiersbeloved]

if you can hold me like you used to (cause I never hated myself more)

summary: Virgil has a nightmare. But it isn’t his.

authors note: I really wasn't planning on the second part, but you guys convinced me! I hope I've managed to meet your expectations! The title is a bit changed lyrics from cavetown's song "i promise, i'm trying"

tag list: @icequeenoriginal, @astrozei, @myspatialspace, @coconut-cluster

Read on AO3

He felt like he was in the void. Void filled with sharp thornes of the roses, that he so loved. But the buds of the flowers where nowhere to be seen. Just the thornes, that ripped through his white robes, got caught in his hair, made his hands bleed.

The sword seath was empty, so he couldn't cut his way through.

He needed something to protect himself. An armour. A shield. Anything. But all he got were his own bare hands, that the thornes would ruthlessly cut through, leaving the bloody scratches on them.

But that wasn't the worst.

Though he wished it could be silent, eveytime a thorn has cut his skin, the wind would softly blow and whisper in his ear.

The voices would be different, but the message would still be the same.

That would be an amazing prank.

Cut.

Because Roman would make ya sick.

Cut.

I wouldn't know who the evil twin is.

Cut.

Tears have been falling from his face, while he was willing the voices to leave him alone.

But deep down he knew they were right.

He stopped abruptly, looking helplessly at his bloody hands. The voices were louder now.

I am not feeling any love OR misery!

He scoffed, hearing his own voice.

Back then he thought he would at least keep it in check. Or that maybe someone would react. But well. No-one did. So maybe he hid it well or maybe...

The thornes around him grew. They started to inch closer to him, as if fed by his own selfhatred.

How pathetic, he couldn't help but think. And yet, he didn't react.

He felt tired. Exhausted even.

Your big admission is dwarfed by your gargantuan failures.

Failure. That's what he is.

The thornes were now at his legs, slowly winding around them.

It hurt. He knew it hurt but he felt numb to it.

Let's talk about something we're both familiar with, Roman. Mistakes.

He sobbbed. The tears were falling to the ground.

So many mistakes he has made.

Maybe that's why they didn't need him?

The throny vices encircled him higher and higher, creating a sharp cocoon around him. The thorns were piercing him, little by little. But it didn't matter. Nobody would led him a helping hand right now. He has hurt too many to be even worthy of that.

So he let the vice grow. Maybe like that he'll finally rest. Maybe like that he finally won't hurt anyone.

The vices grew.

Virgil woke up with a start. He was breathing hard, so hard that it took him a few precious seconds to calm down and realize where he was and what has actually happened.

This wasn't his dream. That he was sure of. And he knew, who dreamed about it and has woken up as well. He could practically fell his anxiety through the door.

Virgil sighed.

Roman hasn't left his room since the last video. He allowed almost nobody to enter. The only person who could was Virgil, for what reason, he wasn't sure. Maybe because he was the first one to reach out to Roman after he sunk out?

But the creative side wasn't the only one who preferred staying in the room in the past few days. If Virgil were to be honest, he would say, that almost every side opted to not leave. Everyone avoided each other like the plague.

On the few rare occasions on which Virgil noticed any of them, they looked awful. Logan seemed tired. Patton had constant red rings around his eyes, probably from crying and he were always chewing on his lips. Virgil haven't seen either Janus or Remus, but he felt their anxiety as well.

All in all, everyone was a mess.

He lifted his covers and left the bed.

The nightmare worried him.

When a side was particularly anxious, Virgil could feel it. But when the anxiety was so hard that it caused the given side to have nightmares, it sometimes would manifest itself in Virgil's dreams.

That's exactly what happened now. And Virgil didn't like what he saw. Not even a little bit.

Quietly he opened the door to his room and stepped into the hallway.

He anxiously ran a hand through his hair, thinking.

Promise me...

Roman still didn't promise. And in the nightmare he had actually given up. And Virgil just... Had to check.

So he mustered whatever courage he had and walked straight to Roman's room.

Walking there, he couldn't help but notice how the hallway, and the Mind Palace itself, have changed.

Before the video it was warm, bright and welcoming, giving the familish, safety vibes, that Roman and Patton represented. After it , it looked more gloomy, cold and unwelcoming. Virgil couldn't help but wonder if that was because the two sides were so down recently.

Stopping in front of the door, he took in a big breath. His anxiety spiked.

What if Roman wouldn't want to talk with him? What if he wouldn't open the door? What if...

He has to try. For Roman's sake.

So he rose his hand and gently knocked.

The door flew open almost immediately, startling Virgil. But what it reviled, made his heart clench.

Roman were lying on the bed, curled in himself, just like he did, when he first came to check on him. His hands were in his hair, gripping it so hard that Virgil actually worried he'd rip them off. No sound escaped the side. The only thing that gave him away were his shaking shoulders.

"So you saw, huh?" he heard Roman's murmer. The side didn't even look at him. He just started blankly into the distance.

Virgil stepped into the room and quietly closed the door.

"Yeah" he said. Then after a moment he asked "Can I get closer?"

Roman shrugged.

"Sure. It's not like it matters anyways."

The bitterness in his voice caused the cleanch in Virgil's heart to grow stronger. He has never seen Roman in that state.

He sat at the edge of the bed.

He noticed the sash, that Roman used to wear, on the floor. Virgil furrowed his brows. The vibrant red was gone, replaced by a particulatly pale shade of pink. So pale, that it was almost white.

Virgil pressed his lips, trying to decide what to do.

While he himself wasn't a very touchy person, he knew Roman was. The creative side often needed to be touched to feel better. And though Virgil usually felt uncomfortable with that, he was willing to put his own feelings aside for Roman.

So he lifted his hand and started to rub comforting circles on Roman's back. It seemed to help a little, as the side's deathly grip on his hair eased up.

"How much have you seen?" Roman whispered, while still not looking at him. Virgil sighed. There's no point in lying now.

"I'm afraid that all of it" he admitted. Roman absentmindedly nodded his head.

"I see" he muttered. He let go of his hair to press them to his heart. "And what do you think about it?" he asked.

That I'm really worried about you, Virgil thought, but didn't dare to say this aloud. Roman was too deep into self-hatred right now. He'd take it as he was hurting Virgil because he dreamed about it and most likely use it to convince himself how bad of a person he was.

So Virgil just moved his hand up to the nape of Roman's head and started to comb through his hair.

"That you don't feel so good" he said, mentally cringing at how lame this had sound. Roman chuckled, but there was no humour behind it.

"You think?" he scoffed, with an edge in his voice. Virgil only pressed his lips.

For a moment there was only silence around the two of them. Finally Roman spoke up.

"I'm so tired, Virgil."

"I know" he said sadly.

"And you know... I just... Want to disappear. To finally rest."

Hearing that, Virgil tensed.

How did you duck out?

Promise me...

The echoes of their past conversation rang in his ears.

"Ro," he started, forcing himself to sound calmly. "you know you can't do it."

"And why not, Virgil!?" Roman suddenly snapped sitting up and finally turning to him.

Virgil muffled a gasp that almost escaped him when he saw Roman's face.

Skin pale, red-rimmed eyes and bags under them so dark, that they could rival his own.

"Why not!? I HAVE a replacement, you know! I have a twin, who would HAPPILY take my place! I am expendable! A failure! The one that makes a mistake after mistake and simply cannot seem to learn from them!"

Angry tears started to fall down from Roman's face as he screamed. He hid his face in his hands, making a strangled sound.

"You're not expandable" said Virgil, feeling his heart breaking a little, seeing his... His friend so devastated. "Nor are you replaceable."

Roman scoffed.

"Oh really?" he said bitterly. "How so? Because my ideas are flawless? Or maybe because my opinions are valued? So much that everyone would listen to them and actually take into consideration, huh?"

"Because you're you!" Virgil yelled back, shocking Roman into silence. The creative side dropped his hands, looking at him, startled. Virgil sighed.

"Roman" he began slowly, thinking about the next words he should use.

This was his moment to convince Roman to calm down and to start regaining his confidence. And Virgil will be damned if he fucks it up.

He looked Roman straight in the eyes and has put one hand over his heart.

"Trust me, when I tell you this. You are not expendable. Nor you are replaceable. You are Thomas' creativity. His passion. You influence his happiness. It's you who drag him into the stage. Who makes him believe in himself. It's you who caused him to create his vines and his YouTube videos, against my judgment." He smiled softly at the memory of this, before continuing. " It's you who helps to create drafts for the episodes, who comes up with the themes. Who pushes Thomas through every audition, who comes up with alternative ways to his ideas. That cannot be replaced, Ro."

Roman was shaking. Virgil could only hope it was because of emotions. And those good ones.

Suddenly a phrase from the dream rang in his ears.

Lend him a helping hand.

With one hand still pressed to his chest, he extended his other one torward Roman in an offering gesture.

"If... If you feel like you want to disappear, please, come to me, Ro. I can help. You deserve the help, okay? It doesn't make you weak or stupid. It's actually very smart and shows your strength. That you know that there's something wrong and that..." he stopped, seeing as Roman tried to avert his gaze. He couldn't let that happen.

Virgil let go of his chest in favour of gently putting two fingers under Roman's chin to turn his head in his direction. He smiled weakly, seeing the side's teary eyes. He used his thumb to gently wipe the ones that escaped and continued. "...and that you are brave enough to fight. Smart enough to ask for help, when you see there's something wrong going on with you. It doesn't make you a failure. Never ever that. It makes you a victor. Because it's a victory against self-hatred, Ro. A small one, but it's still a victory. And when you decide to go to fight with that, and trust me, it's going to be a long war, you're not going to be alone."

He stopped thinking back to the dream.

He needed something to protect himself. An armour. A shield.

"I will be your shield, Roman" he said and Roman actually gasped. He started to shake his head, but Virgil pressed on "Because you deserve one."

"But... I have hurt you in the past! So how can you..."

At that Virgil has actually smiled.

"Because, and listen to this carefully, Romano, you regretted it and you made a conscious effort to improve. I told you earlier, I have noticed the effort that you try to dial down your insults and they are more playful, than anything else now. And if you could do that then, you still can do that now. You are a good person, Roman. A good person, who, yes, has made some mistakes but is able to recognize them, apologize and is willing to improve. And that's what makes you different from Remus. That son of a..."

"Language" Roman muttered weakly. Virgil playfully rolled his eyes.

"That... Side never even apologised to you for smacking you with a mace from all of things. And honestly I cannot imagine Remus apologizing to anyone. Plus imagine how the Imagination would look like if Remus took the wheel."

Roman immediately shuddered at the thought, which made Virgil's lips quirk up. He was on the right path. So when Roman shook his head, trying to say something, Virgil didn't let him.

"And I know that you are confused because of the last video. Yes, Patton can be wrong, but that doesn't make him wrong about everything. And you have the qualities of the prince, Ro. You are good. You are kind. Just. Strong. Brave. And above all, you are loved. We all miss you."

During the conversation, Virgil inched a bit closer to Roman, and finally they were touching by their foreheads, which made both of the sides blush a bit because of the intimacy of the gesture.

The last sentences, Virgil whispered.

"All of us. Absolutely every single one. Patton worries about you so much. Logan as well, and yes I am sure of that, because he was the one who informed me first. Talk to them if you don't believe me. I assure you, they will agree with me." He took a shuddering breath. Now or never. "So, Roman... Take my hand. And I'll help you. I promise" he finished and held his breath.

For a long, scary moment Roman was just staring at him, teary eyed. His breathing grew quicker. But as Virgil was about to accept his defeat, suddenly one of Roman's hands shot up and grasped his extended one. The creative side used it as a leverage to pull Virgil closer and he hid his face in the crook of his neck.

"Please" he whined with a broken voicr, scooting himself closer to the anxious side. "Please, help me."

At that Virgil started to sob as well. He used is unoccupied hand to encircle them in a hug and enterwinded their fingers with the one that Roman held in his grip. He hid his face in Roman's hair and sighed.

He won this battle. He actually did it.

"I promise" he whispered. "I promise, I will."

And even though Roman still didn't promise him that he won't duck out, Virgil felt somewhat calmer. Because now...

Now there was some hope.

On the floor, the sash gained colours.

[nad-zeta]

Ikevamp Matchup ≧☉_☉≦

Nady papi!! I heard you’re taking ikevamp matchup, so can I request one?👀👀👀 here’s my info~

So, in terms of physical appearance - I’m 164 cm, with black hair and light brown eyes. I also wore thick glasses, and I can’t live without them xD I have slender built and a little bit of tan skinned. I don’t like putting skirts and dresses, so I prefer shirts and jeans with sneakers xD I hate girly stuffs oof. I don’t even put make up and I only comb my hair when I’m going outside xDD

Random info - I’m scorpio, and from the year of the snake. Griffindor, but I can be a Hufflepuff too. A chaotic neutral bum.

Personality wise - I am a soft-hearted person, scatterbrain, an airhead most of the time, sympathetic, very very curious but I know my limit, forgiving, and I easily trust others, which makes me looked too naive and innocent. I didn’t talk much when I met a person for the first time but when I get to know you, it wont be easy to shut me up. I can be childish at times (like how I love playing around when no one’s looking). I don’t get jokes or memes or sarcasm easily, worrywart, anxious, very clumsy, patient, very socially awkward, insecure about my whole being lmao, and when i get immersed in a convo or situation, I could trip and bump into something. I have a hard time expressing my feelings to my family or close friends because they expect too much from me and I’m afraid I will fail or disappoint them one day. I can be very violent and irritated (especially and/or during depressive episodes). I like being dependable to people I love. A very guillible girl and easy to fool lmao. When I’m overly excited or hyper, I tend to forgot my surroundings and just jumped right off the bat without thinking, always acts as if my-mind-was-flying-over-the-moon. I can handle things under pressure well. I tried my best to avoid getting into trouble, or if the latter was not possible, I’ll try to talk and resolve about he matters as peacefully as I could (a pacifist, yes).

My hobbies and the things I’m passionate about were learning history, literature, philosophy and politics, reading and writing mystery/detective and fantasy fiction, watching horror movies, cracking codes and ciphers, playing piano, taking critical thinking tests and quizzes, eating chips and sweets.

I love to daydream, procrastinate, watching the stars or moon, sleeping, hiding inside the closet or under the bed when triggered, eating junk food, body massages, and quiet place where I can be alone. I love nighttime, head pats, someone who can make me feel better.

Also , the things that I dislike were maths and sciences, legwork (cause im lazy bum), crowded places, parties, people who are too stubborn to the point they don’t listen to me, dancing, excessive nagging, being treated like crazy bloke, the know-it-all people who likes to correct every damn thing I say, arrogance, rude people, unhealthy criticisms, me drawing arts (but i like appreciating them), spotlight or being at the center of attention.

If I can give facts about myself:

1. I know 101 ways to murder someone and get away with it xD

2. I have skills in lockpicking and poket picking (but I never used it for wrong doings alright?🤣)

3. I can sleep anywhere and everywhere and in any position👀 (I can sleep while sitting or even standing xD)

I think that’s all? XD

Okay, this looks longer 😳😂😂 thank you, papi!!! Muah muah ilysm😘😘😘 I look forward to whoever can handle me😎🤣🤣

Hehe, Juju! ❤❤🥰Thanks so much for the request dear! ❤Also soz for taking like 2 million years!🙈😱😱 Hope you enjoy this love, and I hope you have a super good day❤❤🌻! Sending you all the love and hugs! ☺Hope you are looking after yourself and keeping safe and warm! Love ya! ❤❤🦋

So without further ado…

I match you with…………….. Arthur 

The first time the mystery Arthur was introduced to you, he found you positively curious. You were honestly the opposite of most woman he had met. For one, you refused to wear skirts and dresses instead, opting for jeans and sneakers. Not only that, but you seemed utterly uninterested in him only muttering a few words to him.

That night you were going through one of your depressive episodes, as you found it incredibly difficult to fall asleep in a strange new place surrounded by strange new people. You were scared, and on edge, so you decided to get some milk to calm you down and hopefully soothe you to sleep. You poured yourself a glass of milk and who would walk in from his latest conquest other than the playboy himself. Comte had broken the news earlier that evening that you would be staying with a group of vampires, which was probably why you were a little on edge. 

Arthur took this opportunity to corner you, “Well, little rabbit, what shall you do now that you have been cornered by a wolf.” His breath was hot on your neck and you could feel his fangs hovering ever so slightly over your pulse.

Veins filled with adrenaline, you legit grabbed a fork and stabbed him in the leg, honestly, you were so irritated and angry. Arthur was sister shook. Usually, women would fall over themselves for his attention, yet here you were giving him a death glare and stabbing him in the leg. He could see in your eyes that he had taken the jest too far. Especially when just before you lefts, you looked him dead in the eyes and said, “I know 102 way to kill someone and dispose of the body.”

The next day Arthur was still feeling slightly bad for scaring you so much, although to be fair you scared him just as much. He spotted you making your way down the stairs for breakfast, he jogged to catch up with you. Just then your foot clumsily slipped, and you were going down. Luckily for you, Arthur had managed to catch you in the nick of time. The two of you now stood awkwardly, not making eye contact with each other. 

You also felt somewhat bad for having taken out your anger on the poor man. That is when Arthur apologized for scaring you and stuck out his hand to reintroduce himself. You couldn’t help but laugh as all traces of the suave playboy had disappeared and was replaced by an awkward Arthur, stumbling over his words in an attempt to apologize. Both of you were pretty much a socially awkward mess trying to apologize to one another in your own weird, awkward way. 

You shocked Arthur for a second time as innocent eyes started back at him as you forgave him in a heartbeat. He couldn’t believe how naïve and trusting you were, handing out your forgiveness so easily. He had half expected you to flat out reject his apology and make him earn your forgiveness. 

Either way having made up, Arthur decided to invite you out to tea. He couldn’t help but chuckle at the way your eyes excitingly lit up when they placed the plate of confectioneries down in front of you. You were still rather quiet as the two of you had tea. However, when Arthur mentioned the new mystery he was working on, and that was enough to break down your reserved guard and get you to open up. You spent the rest of the afternoon happily talking Arthur's ears off about mysteries, your own writing and how much you actually enjoyed cracking codes and solving puzzles. To say Arthur was intrigued by you would be an understatement. He was beaming in delight throughout the whole conversation having discovered a fellow mystery lover and writer.

Arthur flashed you a dazzling grin, and that my dear friend is how you and the mystery author started playing detective to solve all sorts of small cases around town. Every day Arthur would excitedly come into your room and announce that the two of you had a new case to solve. Arthur honestly loved working cases with you, he loved the way your eyes would curiously scan every room you walked into. He loves how to overexcite and hyper you would get at the mention of a new case, and he loved that you matched his wit and ability to crack codes and solve puzzles. The more Arthur found out about you, the more amazed and in awe he was

Especially one day during a case. Theo had commissioned the two of you to track down the thief that stole his precious brothers painting. The pair of you had been invited to a ball hosted by the suspected thief himself. You looked around the room while dancing and determined that the painting was hidden behind the looked door on the far side of the room. Arthur suspected that the painting would be held in a volt, that was only accessible via a special key. He watched in awe as you smoothly pick-pocketed the safe key from the suspects pocket. But the awesomeness of your abilities didn’t end there, oh no, this boy was beaming in pure delight at the way you expertly lock-picked the locked door to get into the room. You honestly couldn’t get more amazing in his eyes if you even tried, or so he thought.

Speaking of cracking codes and solving mysteries this boy was head over heels smitten with you and thanks to some help from his old friend Theo he managed to pull the wool over your eyes and set up a mystery for you to solve whereby at the end of the case. You wouldn’t discover who the criminal is but rather how much he absolutely loves and adores you. As, in the locked room and behind the safe door, laid Vincent’s painting and the newest Sherlock homes mystery novel titled, “A study of the heart.” Of course, you didn’t know this was an elaborate love confession until later that night when you had finished the novel.

Arthur absolutely adored you, and the more he found out about you to more in love, he fell. He loved that you were probably the kindest, most soft-hearted, sensitive, forgiving and loving person that he knows. It was thanks to these beautiful traits that he was able to deal with, heal and move on from his past traumas.

But Arthur knows you have your own insecurities and traumas. He is very in-tuned to your feelings and emotions and can instantly tell if you are going through something. He would usually find you hiding in your closet or under the bed. He would approach you slowly, coaxing you out from your hiding place by tenderly wrap his arms around and whispering sweet nothing in your ear. Once you have agreed to leave said hiding place, he would swiftly pick you up and carry you to his room. Best be sure he is going to spend the whole night holding you in his arms while tenderly rubbing your back and whispering words of love, adoration and encouragement in your ears. 

Having a nightmare? No problem Arthur will be by your side in a split second, pulling you into his arms and nuzzling his nose into your neck while making you forget all about your night terrors. 

You are absolutely perfect in his eyes and could never disappoint him, a fact which he will remind you of everyday.

He doesn’t mind that you have a hard time expressing your emotions and feeling as when he looks into your eyes, he can see how much you love him. Plus you are always there for him whenever he is struggling or feeling down. You just have this amazing ability to cheer him up whenever you are around.

He will give you all the head pats, hugs and kisses your heart could ever possibly ever desire. He 100% insist on holding your hand whenever the two of you leave the mansion, “I can’t have my beautiful little bird tripping and falling, now can I.” Sometimes he wishes he could wrap you in a layer of bubble wrap just to protect you from clumsily falling or walking into objects. Is always right by your side chuckling as he looks you over to make sure you didn’t hurt yourself.

Loves how gullible and naïve you are and will often tease you. This usually lands up becoming a game between the two of you as you would pull pranks on Arthur for teasing you so much. Arthur adores that childish side of you and will 9/10 times get his revenge by tickling you.

Finds it super cute how you can basically sleep anywhere and in any position. When he sees you sleeping, he can’t help but join you for an afternoon nap. He can’t believe that you could actually fall asleep standing up. He low key uses that ability of yours, to sleep while standing up, to pull pranks on his fellow residents.

Loves to hear you play the piano as he writes his newest novel. He swears that you play the piano better than Mozart himself and no one can change his mind. There is just something about the way you play the piano that soothes his soul and makes him feel like the luckiest man alive for having met you

He knows you hate loud, crowded places so you best be sure he will plan all your dates keeping that in mind. Whenever the two of you are out shopping together, he will always be sure to plan ahead and find the least busy routes. 

Whenever Comte invites the two of you to a party, he would keenly watch you, and whenever he can see you have had enough of social interaction for the evening. He would sneak up to your side and gently grab your hand while lead you out to the quiet balcony. Or better yet, he would lead you to a quiet room where a pile of stolen snacks and a setup board game lays waiting for the two of you. So while everyone is mingling and partying in the main hall, you and Arthur are spending a relaxing evening playing a board game while enjoying each other company. Only slipping out of the room when its time to go back home.

You best be sure your and Arthur’s dates include a stack of junk food, sweets, and soft blankie as the two of you cuddles under the night sky. 

The two of you will most likely tell each other horror stories or chat about more deep topics such as history, literature, philosophy and politics. Although Arthur is a simple man and often loves just holding you in his arms as the two of you just quietly enjoy each other presence and watch the night sky together.

This boy knows what a good writer you are and like him, you are also somewhat of a night owl. He enjoys those quiet evenings together with you where both of you are just chilling in the library, each writing their own mystery stories. At the end of the week, the two of you have made it a tradition to be nestled in each other’s arms each reading the latest chapters of your stories.

Other potential matches……… Shakespeare

I hope you enjoyed this, dear! Also, I hope you have a super good day! Love ya lots!❤🦊☺ @jiyuu-chan

[saltymcsaltything]

So tired of being in pain and simultaneously being in a mental fog that keeps me from taking care of myself.

I wake up everyday with my joints and muscles aching. My nerves randomly decide to light up like thermite and make me wake up screaming. My stomach is an absolute fucking mess constantly. I am depressed and anxious 100% of the time and I can't remember what I need to do or what I have done.

Did I take my meds and supplements? Have I drank my water? Where the fuck did I leave my water? Why am I in the kitchen. Why can't I find anything in this house anymore? When was the last time I brushed my teeth, washed my face, showered? When did I last eat something? What was it, and was it something that is going to mess up my guts? What did I eat in the last two days that has me trapped in the bathroom? Was there wheat in that? Did I eat any of a dozen vegetables that I love but shouldn't eat because they wreck me?

And household chores? I hate them now. If it isn't something that requires careful attention, it means my anxiety-riddled mind declares open season to start thinking of every bad thing in my life, and when it runs out of those everything that is wrong in the world. Queue the panic attacks, flashbacks and dissociative episodes. There goes the next 2 hours while I collapse and breakdown or stare at the wall and go bye bye. I think I prefer the dissociation, at least it's a break from the pain.

Try to do something that requires focus? Can't even start. If I somehow manage I forget the steps, or forget which steps I've already done. Guaranteed to fuck something up. Failure? That's game over for the rest if the day. Time to shutdown. Maybe I'll go to sleep.

Sleep? Don't make me laugh. Lie down and mind goes brrrrr. Get up and distract myself. Maybe have a drink. Oops, forgot I took a Xanax a couple hours ago to make it through my grief support group. Now Im fucking wasted and feeling sick. Stupid stupid stupid. At least that turns off the nightmares. Yay for accidentally mixing alcohol and controlled substances. Would have been even more fun if it was muscle relaxers instead so I could be a drooling mess for the next 18 hours.

There's another wasted day. You know what sucks? I can't even do yoga or meditation anymore, and I used to love that so much. Savasana was my jam. But I can't do a good routine that wears me out the right way to calm my mind, because every move hurts too much no matter how I modify it. And so can't meditate if I can't physically calm myself first, because mind go brrrrr when I try, and I'll have a panic attack or dissociate. Closest I get to exercise these days is pacing and rocking, or getting some of that good sitting still with my uncontrolled anxiety cardio action.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? I don't even know where to start with this shit. There's too many moving parts with all this shit and I'm just so done with it. This has been building up for almost a decade, but the last 5 years have been hell because that's when my life essentially blew up.

I'm in therapy, but just when I think I'm learning to cope, some new terrible event happens and I fall apart again. Coping skills? I forget how to do them. Deep breathing? Oh yeah, now I'm focused on doing something critical to survival in a way that feels unnatural, and if I try to go back to breathing normally I can't remember how. Now I have to actively to breathe until something distracts me enough to break me out of it. Mindfulness? Carefully observing everything to try to focus on the present moment? That used to work, but now the calm narration gets shouted down by the heckling critic. "Look at you acting like you can function if you just put your mind to it, you broken piece of shit. Stop pretending you can actually focus or think. It ain't gonna happen. Nothing works and you know it. You're done, give up. Just crawl into a hole somewhere so nobody can see you fall apart."

Fucking hell, how is functioning as a middle aged person so fucking hard? I'm about as emotionally mature as a toddler at this point. The world makes no sense to me anymore and I have no idea why people can be so casually awful to each other. I don't understand anybody else's behavior or motivation to be absolute hateful asshole garbage bastard shit weasels, and everything anyone says to me feels like an attack no matter what their intentions might be.

Wasn't this supposed to get easier as I got older and wiser? Wasn't being sorta financially secure and taking care of all the basic needs supposed to reduce the stress? How can betrayal and grief and illness completely derail my entire life? Why am I so fucking weak?

And why can't I stop screaming into the void?

[ts-unsolved]

Final Wrap-up for Chapter One

((since chapter one will be coming to a close shortly and there is still an assortment of questions left over, here is a masterpost of responses to queries that couldn’t be addressed during the story! 

[reminder: the ask box will be left open, however the characters are not available. please keep in mind that non-plot related questions will not be answered by the characters after this post.]

Anonymous said: ((Just wanted to tell you your drawings are so pretty and I love ur blog. That is all I have no braincells to ask questions))

Anonymous said: OKAY MOD I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I LOVE THIS AU SO MUCH AND ITS SO COOL AND GOOD AND YOUR ART IS TOO!! sorry for caps I’m just excited

Thank you! Sorry I didn’t always get around to answering asks like this, but for every one that was sent in, I appreciated it with all my heart. You guys are angels 💖

Anonymous said: What is one haunted location you guys would really like to visit someday?

Poveglia is definitely the highest on the list for the notoriety alone, although they would likely never get the permission to go (the history in general is almost excessively horrible and tragic, so nothing good would come out of doing an episode there. Maybe it’d be good as a final-chapter type location? 🤔).

@anxious-fander-bean​ said: Hey Logan, have you ever tried swing dancing? It's really fun and good excersize! There's also a lot of bouncing and upbeat music, so Patton might enjoy it as well! ((I'm doing it. I need the qpp boys to be happy and have fun, bc they deserve it.))

(LOGAN: I’ll...consider it.)

You did it, you got them to go on some good ol’ platonic dates! B)

Anonymous said: I feel bad that I don't have any deep question or something along those lines, but what's your favorite thing to bake, Pat? - 💐

That’s alright! Questions don’t have to be deep to be fun/interesting. 

(PATTON: Cupcakes! You can make so many different flavors, and there are tons of fun ways to decorate them!)

@why-should-i-tell-youu2 said: Why cant anyone else see the seal?

You need to have The Sight to be able to see demon sigils. Patton has this ability naturally, and Dee has it because Elliott taught it to him. Otherwise, Virgil and Roman would be the closest in terms of gaining this ability, but a scared/skeptical part of them is holding them back. 

Anonymous said: My good dorks, is there a way to, I don’t know, get a better/more effective charm for your office? One that costs more than $10? -🍁

Anonymous said: Hey, Logan, potential naturalistic explanation for ya: depending on what the charm was made of, shifts in ambient room temperature could have caused minuscule expansions and contractions in the material that would eventually crack the charm. Do I believe my own explanation? Absolutely not. Am I grasping at straws for a non-supernatural explanation? Absolutely. And ambient room temperature doesn’t even begin to explain the red symbol around the charm

(LOGAN: Our budgeting is already a mess as it is, the last thing we need is to waste more funds on decorations. And that theory seems much more reasonable than the contrary explanation.)

Anonymous said: Is the demon that Pavreen summoned the same demon that possessed Elliott?

Anonymous said: Welp Virge SUMMONED A DEMON- (Why do I have a feeling Remy was the demon that possessed Elliot-)

Nope, they’re all different demons! The demon that Parveen summoned is notoriously difficult to contact, so a bunch of teenagers wouldn’t have been able to do it. Likewise for Remy; you can only summon him once you have his True Name, and he’s already destroyed most references to that (sorry Patton).

Anonymous said: omg omg omg what part of mythology is remy part of???

He’s not from any particular mythology, but he is partly based off of Alps from German folklore and the general mythology around sleep paralysis!

Anonymous said: Can Patton see supernatural beings like ghosts and demons and stuff? I just think it would be interesting if his scars make him able to see them :3c

Anonymous said: If both Dee and Patton can see the sigil, and Dee can see ghosts, does that mean Pat can see ghosts too? With the whole red glowing thing (forgot what its called) it seems to be connected.

Yes he can see ghosts/demons, and you’re right that the scars (or rather the deal with the demon which gave him his powers and scars) are what lead to him being able to do it. The red is just a general indicator of something supernatural/not of our Realm.

Anonymous said: Wait so if Patton and his family all have that mark could that mean Patton is not completely human 👀 -🌈

I supposed you could say that Patton’s not entirely human because he’s a witch who was born without a soul, but he’d find that pretty offensive tbh.

Anonymous said: Are Elliott and Patton maybe related, even distantly? Also, roman needs to suck it up and have Feelings for the Snake Man

There’s no relation between Elliott and Patton. Elliott is the child of a seer and a psychic, Patton is the son of witches. They’re similar, but different. (Also you’re assuming that Roman hasn’t liked the Snake Man since high school, but considered him off-limits because he’s his brother’s best friend).

Anonymous said: Does Patton know that Dee can see spirits and does Dee know that Patton is protecting them all?

Anonymous said: Dee, pat, do you know that each other can see the sigil? 

Anonymous said: is ... is patton a witch and dee a dee-mon and that's why they don't like each other.....?

Anonymous said: Pat what do you think about making deals with demons?

They’re both aware of each other’s secrets! Technically they’re both doing their best to protect everyone, but that doesn’t mean they agree with each other’s methods or bond over the shared responsibility. 

Patton is indeed a witch, and Dee is a regular human who happened to summon a demon one time. Patton thinks Dee is the occult equivalent of a satanist, which he disagrees with because dark magic is unnatural/dangerous in his eyes (making deals with demons only leads to trouble!), and would prefer Dee not endanger his friends. Dee doesn’t like Patton because of his perceived moral superiority, and finds the way he can be so secretive and two-faced creepy 

Regardless, they’re both sitting in glass houses and have more in common than they think.

Anonymous said: Patton Should Hug Dee *

Maybe. But he won’t. 8′D

Anonymous said: Since Dee has been able to see ghosts for a long time, was he an open believer in ghosts before Elliot died? Since it was mentioned that the reason he lies about his belief is because he knows that they're dangerous, he wouldn't have had a reason to hide it in the past. And if he did are any of the others aware of the belief change? Well, besides Remus. I'm guessing that one is pretty obvious.

He may have been more involved as a believer in the past, though that doesn’t mean he was ever super open about it. He was aware of how it would look like to outsiders (being genuinely skeptical at one point himself), so he wasn’t going to paint a target on his back by talking about ghosts and demons and things most people can’t see.

Of course, that didn’t stop people from stereotyping and making those sorts of assumptions about their friend group anyway, but no one besides them really knew about their secret-- not even Virgil.

Anonymous asked: What would happen if one time, the gang ended up getting something supernatural on camera?

The result of that would depend on the being. Ghosts can kinda appear on camera, although it’s very rare for them to appear as a full bodied apparition, which is why they usually only manifest in spirit orbs or light/shadows. Poltergeists are better since they’re able to interact with objects, but likewise since they can’t manifest into a physical form they can easily be brushed off. Demons and other miscellaneous creatures will straight up not appear if captured directly on film; you’ll simply get video glitches and distortions.  

So essentially, they may technically have found something already, but capturing evidence that’s also compelling is a lot more difficult than you’d think. I imagine there’s a good chance that anything legitimate wouldn’t get taken too seriously because of how easy it is to fake evidence nowadays.

Anonymous said: Okay so a little bit of a rant but not really ig but imagine the ladylike and unsolved crossover for this AU like I can see it as like Thomas' friends dressing up Roman and Dee in style and seeing a blushing mess and maybe flirting going on because of how good the clothing complements each other but this is kinda a weak idea lol

It’s not a weak idea at it, it’s really cute! (though I may just have a soft spot for the Ladylike cast and crossovers). 

The only thing to note is that I’ve chosen not to include Thomas’ friends in this AU because I personally weird about writing fiction about real people? (I was on the fence about including character!Thomas for a while too, tbh). So, apologies to anyone who’s sent similar asks or wanted to see any of Thomas’ friends; they wont be around!

Anonymous said: Did Dee and Remus ever have that talk Dee said he would try to have a while back????

They might have gotten the opportunity to chat back when Remus came back to help shoot the Room 1046 video. It wouldn’t have been a complete reconciliation by any means (dealing with years of baggage in one sitting is Hard), but now Remus is aware that Dee is open to discuss things again at some point in the future, so progress!

Anonymous said: wait wHAT?! When did he (Emile Picani) die?? Give us the deets oh wise one

Anonymous said: emile is... dead? what happened?

I see y’all, but unfortunately you’re not getting any answers from me just yet! You’ll have to wait until the next chapter~.

Anonymous said: Shit is about to go down and I am worried about the next ghost "adventure"

:) Don’t Worry About It.))

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #320

we on a spree today!

Would you rather be twice as smart or twice as happy? Give me the happiness, please. What happened the last time you cried? I was having a PTSD episode. What happened the time in your life when you were the most nervous to do something? I think the most nervous I've ever been was in elementary school when I won the D.A.R.E. essay contest and had to read my paper in front of the whole 4th and 5th grade in the gym. There may be something else, though, there's just a LOT of instances where I've been an anxious mess. What was the greatest television show of all time? Meerkat Manor, man. I canNOT wait for it to resume, I believe this summer. What one thing would you be most disappointed if you never got to experience it? Maybe petting a meerkat, particularly a descendant of a Meerkat Manor character, Flower Whiskers in specific. I would cry, and that is a promise. I am just... so thankful for those little creatures. Because of them, I've met so many irreplacable friends and developed a hobby that was a way to dump my creativity into since I was what, 10 years old? What celebrity would you trade lives with? BITCH let me be Amy Nelson (Mark's gf) for OBVIOUS REASONS. Haha on a serious note though she is an INCREDIBLE person that I'm so glad Mark found. :'''') What story do your friends still give you crap about? Nothing, really. What is your weirdest dealbreaker? I'unno... define a "weird" dealbreaker. I find mine to be pretty reasonable. What’s the first thing you’d do if you were the opposite sex for one day? Well, look at myself in a mirror? See how I look. What is the weirdest quirk your family has? We have this thing where we say "I love you mostest period" at random to imply we love the other person more than they could love us, indisputably. How old is the last person you kissed on the cheek or lips? On the cheek, it was either my niece or nephew, who are 4 and 6. The person I last kissed on the lips is 22. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Not anymore, no. I don't wear jeans. Do you think you could live with your best friend? I would fuckin LOVE to. Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around? I'm most comfortable with myself around Sara. What were you doing when you found out Michael Jackson was dead? I was swimming in the pool while Dad was grilling lunch. The last person you kissed, was it a drunken or sober? Sober. Have you ever introduced yourself with a name other than your own? Online, I've introduced myself with my account name, but generally, I say I'm Brittany. Are any of your siblings married? I don't know about the half-sister I don't know, but two are married, and one is engaged. Do you use an umbrella when it rains? Not usually, no. When was the last time you had a lot of fun? A lot of fun? That's one damn good question. Probably not since I last hung out with Sara. The last time you cried, who was there to comfort you? I was alone. What was your most recent reason for smiling / laughing? I chuckled at something in a John Wolfe video. Are you attracted to the last person you talked to? Um, that would be my mother. So no. Do you like your middle name, or does it embarrass you? It's pretty, but I hate having it. It's one of the most common white chick middle names ever. Are your toenails painted? No; I don't paint my nails. When was the last time you couldn't stop laughing? Why? Probably a funny YT video, I dunno. Any ways in which you're very different from the person you love/like? We have some differing political views. Why did you first kiss the last person you kissed? The timing felt right and I love(d) her. Has anyone seen you kiss the last person you kissed? Yeah. Who was the last person’s voice you heard? Besides via YouTube, my mom's. Who do you get along with best in your family? Mom. Have you ever been kissed in a car? Yeah. Is there anyone in your life that knows right away something’s wrong with you? Oh, absolutely my mother. Has your phone ever gone off in the middle of a class at school? Oh god no, I'd die. The last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner? I never do. It adds oil to your hair, and mine is naturally oily enough. Do you prefer light or dark jeans? DARK. Do you have an item of clothing that reminds you of someone? Tell me about it, and the person it reminds you of. I have a good handful of those. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I just listen, usually. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook? Yeah. Does more than one person like you? *shrug* You log into Facebook and see the red ‘1’ notification next to the message icon. Who do you want it to be? I fucking hate that my answer is "Jason." If your hair is long, would you ever think about having it cut short? Or, if it’s short, would you like to grow it long? As far as I'm concerned, my hair will never be long again. I love it so much more short. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? I'd... honestly probably kill myself. I don't know that with certainty, but yeah. I'd be pretty damn devastated. What’s the most expensive thing you own? Probably my snake. Name something you really can’t wait for? MAY!!!!!!! GIMME MY TATTOOOOOOOO!!!!! What do you want in your future? E.g marraige, kids… A great career, a healthy and permanent relationship, lots of pets, adventure, life satisfaction... Got any major celeb crushes? m a r k e d w a r d f i s c h b a c h Do you have any glow-in-the-dark items in your room? If so what? No. Have you ever stalked anybody? Yeesh, no. If you could be on any TV show, which would it be and why? I'll just hypothetically say I WANTED to be on television for this, because irl, I don't. Ummm. I guess That '70s Show, because I love the '70s, and it'd be so cool to have a big group of friends like that. What is your favorite brand of hairspray? I don't use hairspray. What is the last thing you tripped over? Our doorstep, lmao. Do you were glasses or contacts? If so what color are your frames/contacts? I wear black-rimmed glasses. Do you like stickers? If so what kinds do you like? Yeah. I used to collect them as a kid and put them all over my dresser. Do you like coloring? Yes. What is in your backyard? Some bushes and a shed. Maybe a tree. I've been out there like, once. Do you own a globe? No. What is your favorite wild cat? Snow leopards are the prettiest, imo. As animals in general, I find lions the most interesting. How many continents have you been to, and which ones? I've never left North America. How many continents has your best friend been to, and which ones? She hasn't, either. How many continents has your dad been to, and which ones? Same as above. Have you ever been so terrified that you felt paralyzed? Yep. What’s a place you have a strong emotional connection to? The community college I first went to. Particularly where Jason and I took his senior prom pictures. Who was the last relative you visited? Grammy, before she passed away. My uncle was with her, too. Do you ever wonder what kind of person you’d have turned out to be if a certain event never happened to you? Oh, certainly. I wonder all the time what would have happened if Jason didn't leave. I could still be horribly depressed, or dead, considering ultimately, the event led to me finding the help I so desperately needed. Or maybe I'd be perfectly happy with kids and know how to be an actual adult. I was only a teenager, and yet with him, I never felt more mature and just... capable. When you’re home alone, do you still shower with the bathroom door closed? Yes. Have you ever bought something really expensive and ended up returning it? I don't believe so. If you could have anyone’s singing voice, whose would you choose? Amy Lee is the brazenly obvious answer. What are your top 3 favorite genres of music? Metal, rock, indie. Same general category, I know, but it's almost all I listen to. Is there anything you’d like to say to your last ex? We're best friends, and I talk to her regularly, so I can tell her anything. Where did you buy your dishes from? No clue. We've had the same plates and bowls I think my entire life. Do you think Mars will be colonized in your lifetime? No. Have you ever been on a ship? Boats, yeah. I think ships are just the really big ones, right? Sails and all? Do you ever take intentional breaks from checking/posting on social media? No. Who was Van Halen’s better singer - David Lee Roth, or Sammy Hagar? David Lee Roth. He's an arrogant bastard, but boy can he sing. Which fictional character has the most memorable quotes? I don't know. Maybe the Joker. Do you watch The Office? Gossip Girl? Grey’s Anatomy? None of 'em. Name someone you know with a birthday in December: Sara! What color was the last vehicle you were in? White. What is your dad’s name? Kenneth, but he's just called "Ken." When was the last time you slept in a bed with someone else? Not since I last visited Sara. Do you have any indoor pets? Both my pets are indoors. How do you feel about teenagers claiming to be in love? It's entirely possible. I was; nobody could EVER convince me I wasn't. Are you dating anyone? If so, for how long? No. Do you know anyone with Down's Syndrome? I think so? What animal that is endangered is your favorite? Oh yikes, I don't know. I don't really know every endangered animal, y'know, and I love all animals SO much. Maybe elephants or tigers. How do you believe the Earth and life on it was created? I feel like there was SOME sort of ultimate intelligence that created the universe, but I don't know anything about it/him/her/whatever. Then I believe in evolution. Basically, some sort of conscious creation, and then let life do its thing. What’s your religion? I don't have one. You could say theism, but is that even a proper religion? Do you like your teeth? No. During my worst depression, I was very bad at taking care of them, and now they have a yellowish tint. Have you considered getting contacts that change your eyecolor? What color? Oh yes, I've wanted to have more sapphire blue eyes. Do you wish you lived somewhere else? Yes. Living in the suburbs just isn't my jam, but it works for right now. What’s the craziest color you’ve seen on a house? I think I've seen a pink house before? Don’t you hate the texture of lotion on your skin? Yes. What’s the prettiest cat you have seen? There's this brown British Longhair with beautiful green eyes that I adore on social media. Name's Smoothie. What is your favorite doughnut? Chocolate frosted or glazed. Do you have a hot tub? If so, where is it located? No. What is your favorite party game? Man, I don't even know popular party games, haha. Do you or your parents rake your yard? Neither of us do. No matter where we've lived, ever since Dad left, no one rakes. Do you buy drugstore make-up or high-end make-up? We always buy drugstore makeup. What’s the last good love story you read? I don't think I've read a love story since The Notebook. Do you own a lava lamp or disco ball? No, but I wish I had a lava lamp. When was the last time you went to the roller rink? It's been many years. Do you own a kaleidoscope? No. I did as a kid, though. Have you ever made an inspiration board for your room? No, but I absolutely plan to once I get a big enough board to hang on the wall, and my "office" is cleaned out. I want that room to be full of motivation. Who is the best-looking male celebrity? Take a wild guess. Where would you like to travel to next? Yellowstone. I want to spread Teddy's ashes there in an area with wolves to rest in his roots. Less importantly, I want to take looooooaaaaaaaddddddsssss of photographs. Where are three places you go to relax? Just my room, really. If you became famous, would you change your name to something exotic? No. What color is your favorite pair of shorts? I don't wear shorts, ever. List five items on your current wardrobe wish list. I've wanted a black, studded leather jacket since I was in high school. I also really want big, spiked leather boots, too. Then there's tons of band tees I want. Who makes great song covers on YouTube? JONATHAN YOUNG!!!!!!! GO!!!!!!!!! LISTEN TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!! Who is one of the best songwriters? Otep Shamaya. Painting or drawing? I strongly prefer drawing. Painting that shows brushstrokes or painting that looks like a photograph? The latter. The former can be quite stylistic, though. First thing you wash in the shower? My hair, but if you mean my actual body, my chest. Brown or white egg? I don't even know the flavor difference. Favorite time of year? October-December. Do you own a gun? I legally can't due to a suicidal history. Have you ever been in a castle? Excluding the Disney World castle, no. Are you a clingy person when it comes to relationships? I honestly am. Have you ever been bitten so hard that there teeth marks were there after? I mean, I've had hickeys before. Would you ever date a disabled person? (Be honest) Yes. If you found a baby randomly by itself what would you do? Call the cops and stay with it until they arrived. What is the most personal question you have ever been asked? I'd rather not repeat it. When was the last time you wished time would move faster? Literally every waking moment of my life. It's so sad, thinking about it. I'm just rushing my life away. Are there any owls in your room (as decor, of course)? No. If you’re not straight, who was the first person you came out to? Sara. Do you enjoy hearing birds chirp? I do. Have you ever hiked a mountain? No. Where did you meet your first crush? School. Who is your favorite little girl? My sweetheart niece. What is your favorite song by the last band you listened to? Oh boy, don't make me pick. Does your best friend have kids? No; she doesn't want any, either. Where did you go the last time you drove for longer than an hour? The beach, I think. If you were pregnant, would you want a boy or a girl? Hypothetically, a girl. How often do you get fountain drinks from a gas station? Rarely, but every now and again. Who is your favorite character in your favorite movie? Mufasa. What junk food can you never pass up? Donuts came to mind first. But I think that's because I'm craving donuts, haha. Have you ever had a UTI? Yeah, multiple. I don't drink nearly enough water. I've had one so bad my kidneys hurt like a bitch. What's the last color you dyed your hair? Red.

[diamondcamefromhell]

Timeless love

Jaskier x Female Reader series  part 1

[again a reupload because the first time, tags decided to not work, fun times ~] [ reuplaod x2 POOPDIE DOOBTIE tags just dont want to work these days, do they]

Summary: This is an AU, where Y/N is a young woman, trying to make ends meet with her freelancing writing job. She lives in her small Nottingham studio apartment along with her cat Apollo. Things change when one evening as she is waiting for her taxi, she meets what she thinks is Joey Batey, but the man in front of her is convinced he’s Jaskier, a character from her current favorite show. Y/N now has to figure out what to do.

Warnings: Swearing

Word count: 1,413

Note:

This is just an intro kind of thing, setting the setting (wow, great wording me) and Y/N first meets Jaskier. I had this idea at work, and I really want to write it, I know it may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but if you find it interesting, you can ask to be added to a tag list! Other parts will be longer, posted every two days. I will continue doing other random imagines as requests are still open, but this will be a multi-part thing going on.

ALL feedback is appreciated. You can leave it anonymously on my ask page.

ENJOY! xxx

I click off Netflix, with a warmth filling my heart. I just finished rewatching The Witcher for a second time already. I get up to clean my room, gently humming Toss a Coin to Your Witcher to myself. I live a small studio apartment, a struggling artist is what I should call myself.

I specialize is writing, and as a freelance worker, I get to do works on anything, from how to grow your peas to why foot fetish is good for your health. A weird bunch of people come to me, influencers preaching nonsense. What I truly enjoy, however, is poetry. Writing art, not whatever people bark at me.

But I have to make a living. I made a promise to the stars I would make it on my own.

I glance back at my laptop. I enjoy my days off, treating myself to fine shows like The Witcher. I go play the song I was humming, and it fills my apartment, as I clean the kitchen counters and do the dishes. I decide that I might go out tonight, I need a break from this small room. I need to breathe.

I have this sense of adventure, wanting to do something - anything. Watching people go on adventures for eight hours straight makes my life seem so boring and bland. Much like Jaskier, I wanted to be heard. I wanted someone I could write about, and the world would be forced to listen. The world couldn’t help but fall in love, too.

Hours pass by, as I begin to get ready, applying gentle makeup on my face. I throw on a flowy skater style dress, that’s pale blue. I smirk remembering Jaskier wore pale blue, and then cuss myself out for getting so enticed in fictional character. I can fall for someone who isn’t real, not again. I’ve been the girl with a helpless crush on many characters.

Won’t happen again. I am content with being single. Plus, I have my cat. I glance around my apartment, looking for Apollo, my ginger boy I named after my favourite Greek God. I see him on a windowsill, staring out into the world. My beautiful boy. Roach to my Geralt.

“Be good tonight, Apollo.” I say, but the cat pays little to no attention to me. “Mommy will head out.”

I let out a sigh when Apollo doesn’t even look at me. Being a cat mom, you get used to it, but I prefer it when he’s in his happy mood. Then, I can’t get him off me. I whistle, making him look at me. His green eyes scan me, as if asking why I dared to disturb him.

“Keep our home safe, okay?” To my surprise, he meows in response, before looking out the window again.

This cat never ceases to amaze me.

I make sure to leave enough food and water for him, before I leave the apartment. The smell in the corridor makes my nose physically hurt, and I wonder if Dave, my neighbour, is passed out drunk somewhere again. I sigh, rushing from my third floor, to get relief of fresh air.

The streets are dim, but not too dark. I clutch my purse tighter, knowing there still are some sketchy people, even if it’s still light outside. I call a taxi, glancing around the empty streets. Until I hear someone grunt behind me. I turn on my feet, reaching for pepper spray in my purse, but get struck by a surprise.

Before me stands a man I just spend hours watching. Or the guy who plays him. Joey Batey. Dressed in full Jaskier attire, though. The red matching set he wore in episode six. He has his lute in his hands. Our eyes meet, and he looks scared out of his mind.

“Joey?” I ask, trying not to attack the actor with fangirling, who looks around, to see if there is someone else behind him. When he realizes it’s just us, he raises his eyebrows.

“I’m sorry?” He asks, looking around some more. Confusion paints his face as he looks at me once more. “Where am I?”

“Nottingham.” I say, but it doesn’t seem to clarify anything for him, as he raises his eyebrows even more.

“What is this Nottingham?” He takes a step back. “Who are you, exactly?”

“My name’s Y/N.” I raise my arms in the air, showing I mean no harm. “Joey, are you okay?”

“Who’s Joey?” His voice shakes. “I’m Jaskier.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Now I’m the one, raising my eyebrows. My phone beeps, informing me the taxi will be here in 5 minutes. Joeys, Jaskiers, eyes drop to the gadget, as he looks mortified.

“What is that?” He scoffs, taking a step back again. “You’re a sorceress. This is an illusion. Bloody witches keep ruining my days.”

“I am not a witch, Jo… Jaskier.” I correct myself but I can tell he’s not convinced. He grips on his lute tighter, eyeing me down.

“Where’s Geralt?” His voice is quiet. I feel dizzy, wondering if someone was smoking something funny up in my apartment building.

“Not here, as far as I know.” I squint, looking around, trying to see if I see Henry, dressed as Geralt just wondering the streets of Nottingham. My phone beeps again. Taxi is three minutes away. I see Jaskier stare at it again, so I slide it in my purse. “We can go to my place, you could rest, see if you feel better tomorrow?”

“I am not going anywhere with you, witch!” He puts on a brave face. I watch him turn left, as his face drops. He has no idea where he is. What exactly did he smoke?

“Jaskier. Please.” I plead, not sure what to do. I can’t pull out my phone and google ‘how to help people who are high off their mind’. That would probably give him a heart attack. “Trust me.”

“How can I trust someone who put me in this mirage?” Shit. I guess I will have to play along.

“I don’t know where I am either. I woke up in here, and I tried to find a way out. Until I just settled.” I say whatever comes to my mind as I see Jaskier slowly relax. How naïve of him, “If you are here too, maybe we both can figure something out. Maybe Geralt and Yennefer can help.”

“You know Yennefer.” His voice grows cold and I realize I messed up. I stare at him, not sure how to get him on my side again. The taxi is probably a minute away, and I cant leave Joey alone, not when he is this much out of his mind. But I cant take him clubbing either.

“I know the Continent. I heard your songs, Jaskier.” I plead, looking around. I don’t hear a car just yet. “Toss a coin to your Witcher, o valley of plenty.”

“You know my songs?” He seems to relax again, and I become anxious to get him off the street.

“Please come with me.” I plead, rushing to him.

Before he can respond, I grab his hand, dragging him inside. I hear him grunt, at what I can only assume, is the smell. My phone begins ringing, alerting that the taxi is here. I don’t stop, dragging him to the third floor. I struggle at the door, as my hands shake. When I eventually get the key in, I practically push him inside, locking the door behind us.

I take my phone out, answering.

“I am so sorry, sir. I changed my mind, my um, cat, started throwing up.” I blabber as Jaskier is fearfully looking around. “I might need to take him to the vet, I can’t go out. Please charge my card for your time to come here and have a nice evening.”

I hang up, my heart beating slower. If any sane person saw us, especially saw Jaskier, they might have called ambulance or police. Imagine the news.

“The hit show’s “The Witcher” star was found high out of his mind in the streets of Nottingham. Joey Batey, reportedly, kept saying he is Jaskier, calling everyone sorceresses.”

Wonderful. I look at him now, not sure how to refer to him. My phone dings again, and I look at it, swearing. But it’s a notification. From Instagram.

Joey Batey just updated his story. I open it, to see it’s a picture of him and Henry, with a caption ‘catching up before season 2’. I lift my head, swallowing hard. Jaskier turns around to face me, and my heart drops.

What is going on?

[PART TWO]

[gra-sonas]

i think what will make me always sad is how this narrative (+ carina) ruined in some way the fandom. Fandom has always been a way to escape, create and have fun. But Malex fandom since ep 13 and even worst since s2 (for how badly they have written Michael and is no-caring for Alex) really put the fandom in a such state that no one can even dare to hope and everyone is ready to speculate for the worst outcome possible all the time. I can't believe this happened only with 20 episodes.

God, yes... Man, first the S1 finale that set us up with such a terrible canon mess for the hiatus. Not even fics were an escape bc that moment from 1x13 was turned turned into a full blown relationship sad gay!Alex had to compete against. It was written into sooo many fics (I get it, for many writing fic is a way to process canon, but as someone severely negatively impacted by how S1 ended, I wanted nothing more than to escape it...).

That’s why - strictly from a Malex shipper’s POV - I’m getting more and more anxious about the S2 finale. If Alex gets to stay with Forrest (and he turns out to be a good guy) beyond the finale, that means pretty much “goodbye Malex fandom”.

We’re facing another at least 9 months long hiatus, and if people keep liking Forlex as much as they do now, there just won’t be many reasons for people to create gif sets or art or write fic for Malex during the hiatus.

Because that would involve writing Alex having to break up with Forrest for some reason. Also, what would we make gif sets from, if Malex don’t share that many scenes, and the scenes they share, are mostly “unhappy"? 🤷‍♀️

If Alex and Forrest break up but Michael gets to stay in his relationship, it’s the S1 finale situation all over again - but after an entire season of Michael constantly picking someone else over Alex, people will probably feel less inclined to write them getting back together.

So preferably, 2 breakups should happen before the season ends. Maybe that would inspire fandom at least a little bit? Is it awful of me to hope for 2 breakups? (Yes, I am, sorry)

As for CAM “ruining fandom in some way”. I still vividly remember her reply to a question regarding the reactions to 1x13 (at the time we didn’t even know whether the show would be renewed)

Do you anticipate the reaction when you’re writing this? What do you think people are going to do tonight when they watch this episode? I don’t know what to expect, but I think I’m going to take a night off of Twitter. It’s the end of season 1; my intention was never to tie things up with a neat little bow, because it’s my job as the showrunner to make something that will carry on for several seasons. Trying to give it an ending that felt satisfying as if it was a series finale was just never what I would plan to do. I want people to spend their summer or hiatus wondering what happens next, theorizing about what happens next and writing fan fiction. I never intended to make people feel satisfied by the end of this one.

This right here is what has me worried. “Trying to give it an ending that felt satisfying as if it was a series finale was just never what I would plan to do.” Yeah, thanks we felt that. And it broke this fandom into a million pieces over the hiatus.

The thing is: we would’ve “theorized about what happens next and written fic” if S1 had ended in a more satisfying way. I’ll never understand the need of showrunners to destroy things in order to keep people on their toes. What the fuck is wrong with people liking your shows???

The funny (haha 😑) thing is, I think Max dying was meant to upset and “inspire” people. No one really cared tho, bc it was clear should the show be renewed, he’d come back, and in fics, Liz and Michael (and Kyle) were usually written as the ones figuring out to bring him back. Or it was simply stated “they had figured out a way to bring Max back months ago”.

So that character death had next to no impact on fandom (at least not the part I’m active in), whereas the way S1 ended for Malex had the blasting power of a nuclear bomb. I’m not sure this fandom would survive a second blast like that...

38 days until we know how it ends 🥺

[mc-lukanette]

I brought up the counterpart to the Tikki-brand Boyfriend AU without offering up any content for it and therefore I must correct that sin:

A solo patrol, as Ladybug called it, had become a very different experience compared to what she'd thought of it at first.

Of course, she couldn't blame Chat for not being available all the time. It was natural; real world problems came up and sometimes left them too busy to patrol.

Still, it had left her feeling alone. The rooftops weren't exactly the best place to start chatting it up with civilians, so Ladybug just sucked it up.

Was it bad to say she preferred going solo now, because it meant that Chat wasn't there? Patrols had become so awkward after she'd rejected him, and conversations were few and far between. It just felt better not having Chat around. She felt horrible for thinking it, but it was true.

...She'd been feeling horrible about a lot of things, come to think of it.

Ladybug stopped jumping as she reached one of Paris' rooftops. It wasn't that she'd meant to; more that her body had refused to jump any longer.

Exhausted, Ladybug sighed and sat down. She rubbed her head, feeling all the imperfections and loose strands in her hair.

Life hadn't been kind to her lately. She felt like it wanted to laden her with countless problems and hang-ups. Line by line, scene by scene, day by day, episode by episode.

When would it end? She didn't know.

Looking down at her side, she pulled off her yoyo and opened it. Without any input, it merely acted as a mirror and—

She cringed, glaring at her reflection with disgust. She looked terrible. Though she couldn't see the skin beneath her eyes due to her mask, she was sure from her tired eyes alone that the skin had darkened from her lack of sleep, and her hair was hardly ready for a camera to be pointed in her direction.

She needed a miracle right now.

Closing her yoyo, Ladybug turned it in her hand thoughtfully. Perhaps Lucky Charm would give her a miracle?

Unlikely. At best, a comb, or at least something that would function like a comb. To solve her tiredness, Lucky-brand coffee, perhaps?

Willing to be given anything, Ladybug let her yoyo fly into the air. Without energy (not that she had any to offer anyway), she said, "Lucky Charm."

The yoyo shimmered, giving off its usual pink light. The light sparkled, rising up as the yoyo returned to Ladybug's hand. As per usual, the light began to take shape.

However, it was a strangely human shape, except not actually strange because the light ended up forming an honest-to-god male teenager.

And he was falling.

Ladybug's eyes widened. Forcing herself up, she held her arms out, now wishing she hadn't stopped on an uneven rooftop.

The male's weight landed perfectly in her arms, but she slipped backward. She gasped, the air leaving her lungs as her back hit the rooftop tiles. Thankfully, she only slid down the roof slightly rather than going flying off of it.

She took a moment to breathe, having not prepared herself for such an adrenaline rush. This was not how she'd planned her evening to go. She groaned, then looked down, feeling the male shift against her.

He pushed himself up, hovering over her. His blue eyes looked over her bodysuit at first, then stared at her face. She stared back.

Idly, she thought that he had very nice eyes.

After a moment, he quickly snapped to attention and started getting up. "Ah--sorry."

He stood, reaching a hand out to help her up. Ladybug chuckled, at least finding amusement in the situation, then took his hand.

Sorry; there was a word she didn't hear often... unless it was out of her own mouth, of course.

He pulled with more than enough energy to help her stand, but she just ended up plopping back down into a sitting position. He frowned, sitting next to her as he asked, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she answered with a tired sigh.

She paused, coming to full mental clarity. "Wait—" She raised her hands, turning to him. "Am I okay? Are you okay? What—who—are you? You just came out of my lucky charm!"

It wasn't possible that this guy was her actual lucky charm, was it? He wasn't even spotted in the ladybug pattern.

"Luck—" The male stopped halfway through repeating the phrase. His brows furrowed and he turned his head away, seeming deep in thought. His mouth shifted, as if the very concept of speech was foreign to him.

From the angle he was facing, Ladybug took closer notice of one of the earrings he was wearing. It had the ladybug pattern, exactly like her lucky charm.

She gaped.

Finally, the male turned back to her. "Lu...Luka."

"L-luka," she echoed, still in awe. Now that he was facing her again, she could confirm that both of his earrings had the same pattern. "And... are you—I mean..."

"I don't know a lot," he admitted, "but...I know you need help."

"You...you do?"

He nodded. "You've been feeling pretty down, right?"

Her shoulders sank. Even some human that her lucky charm had made up could see that she was upset, yet no one else could?

"You can tell me," he assured. "I won't tell anyone." He paused, smiling a bit playfully. "I don't think I could anyway."

The playfulness earned him a smile from Ladybug. Whatever her lucky charm made, he was cute and, well... charming.

In a way, it was appropriate.

She took a breath, drawing her knees up to her chest. "It just… feels like nothing's been working out lately. Chat's been so awkward around me lately and we're not in sync anymore. My classmates are still fawning over a liar, which I thought I'd be able to move on from, but I can't. Then, I'm still a stuttering anxious mess who can't even tell her crush that she likes them without something always getting in the way. Everything keeps piling up and I've lost a lot of sleep over it. Being Ladybug used to make me happy, but I keep feeling on edge, like anyone could snap at me at any moment."

She sighed, burying her face in her knees with a miserable groan. "I just... don't know how to..." She trailed off.

Luka was silent for a long time, perhaps giving her a chance to finish. When she didn't, he asked, "How to... what?"

A beat of silence followed, only filled by the first beep of her earrings. Weakly, Ladybug uttered, "How to fix me."

She tried to curl in further on herself, but felt a hand sliding over one of hers. She jerked out of her position, Luka gently taking her hand in his own.

"You don't need to be fixed," he insisted. "This isn't you. You didn't do anything wrong."

She felt her heart skip a beat, but she brushed him off, laughing wearily. "How do you know? Weren't you just made?"

He frowned, admitting, "I was, but..." He shook his head. "that doesn't mean I don't know you. I know that you're not someone who needs to be fixed like that. I know what both sides of you are like ever since you started wearing those earrings."

She gaped, having not expected him to mention her identity. Still, it made sense; just because the miraculous wasn't giving her powers as Marinette didn't mean it wasn't active.

Something about him knowing her secret identity made her comfortable, like she could trust him. "But… if it's not me, then..."

"You're a good person, Ladybug," Luka insisted. "You fix the damage that akuma cause, but you can't fix everything or everyone. They need to understand you."

Ladybug's eyes shimmered with unshed tears. "They don't, and I don't know what else to do. I might be better now, but is this karma? Did I—"

"No," he answered immediately. "You weren't asking for this at all.  You're just..."

"Unlucky?" She snorted. "Is that ironic?"

Luka gave her a sheepish smile, shrugging his shoulders. Still holding her hand in one of his, he held his other arm out, offering a hug.

Ladybug stared at him, taking a moment to realize what he was doing. A hug… with her buried into his chest? Well, judging by the fabric of his clothes, he was probably comfortable and soft and—

Her earrings beeped again, shocking her mind back to reality.

"N-no, that's okay." She waved dismissively. "I should get back home. The last thing I want is to de-transform on a rooftop and have to walk all the way back."

Luka nodded, understanding. She stood, taking a moment to re-orient herself with her surroundings, then looked back at him. Hesitating, she asked, "Can you jump like I can?"

He paused, needing to think about it. "I don't think so." He chuckled. "I don't think that's what you needed when you made me."

She smiled, knowing that she could work with it. Luka must've known what she was thinking, because his hands went to her shoulders when she knelt down to lift him up.

Now with a bit of renewed energy, she started hopping across rooftops again, though being a bit more stealthy so as to not to be seen carrying Luka.

She could see the potential headlines now: "Teenage Boy Swept Off His Feet? Chat Noir Out of Luck!"

She grinned cheekily at the idea.

She glanced down at Luka, who was both absorbing the scenery and occasionally glancing back at her. She became unusually aware of his arms wrapped around her.

He was warmer than she'd expected.

Minutes passed. By the time Ladybug had reached her balcony, her earrings had beeped an extra two times. She set Luka down, then took a moment to breathe.

"I can't believe it," she muttered.

"Believe what?" he asked.

She shook her head, partly in amusement of the utter insanity that was her life, and partly out of bitterness. "I have so many people in my life, yet here I am getting comforted by my lucky charm."

Luka merely stared at her. She flinched, then corrected, "I didn't mean it like—not that you're not—"

He chuckled, waving dismissively at her. "It's okay. I know what you meant."

He gave a passing glance at her earrings. "Less than a minute left, it looks like," he observed.

Ladybug gasped, reaching up to touch one of her earrings. "Wait. Will I—I mean—will you—"

He nodded. "I have to. I'm your lucky charm. I can't stick around forever."

She felt a stinging sensation in her chest. "But… will you be gone for good? Just five minutes and then...?"

He was quiet for a moment, his gaze unwavering from hers. Finally, he smiled, offering his hand to her. She took it, squeezing it gently.

"Don't worry," he assured. "I'll be here whenever you need me."

He raised a hand, placing his palm against her cheek. Ladybug shuddered in response.

He spoke softly, "The lucky charm has always been there for you. It's there for you whenever you call for it, so I will be too."

He stepped forward, both hands moving to her ears so his fingers touched her earrings. "I'm right here."

Ladybug flushed at the close contact, but doubt lingered in her mind. "So… you're just following orders from the lucky charm? I'd never want to just—"

Luka actually laughed at that, then shook his head. "I'm doing this because I want to. And..."

He bent down and leaned forward to be eye level with her, momentarily stealing her breath away. "...because you deserve it, Marinette."

He flashed white as her earring beeped one last time. Ladybug—Marinette—gasped and swiftly brought her hands up, hoping to catch his hands.

Nothing. He'd disappeared and her hands only touched her cheeks and her (now black) earrings.

Tikki flew out of the earrings, facing Marinette with a smile. "So? How did today's patrol g—" She paused, shock in her eyes. "M-marinette? Why are you crying?"

Marinette blinked, having not realized her tears herself. She brushed her hand across her cheek, then looked down at it, staring at the wetness on her fingers.

Yet, she smiled, even as the tears kept coming. She didn't reply to Tikki, but touched one of her earrings fondly.

Someone was there for her.

[saezutte]

yuletide letter 2020

Dear Yuletide Writer, 

Oh, hello again. I didn’t see you there.

This year, I have transcended earthly desires and struggled to find any fandoms to request. I want nothing. I wish my cat was nominated as a Yuletide fandom so we could all write stories about her life. 

Nonetheless, I have some small requests!!!! I believe you can make me happy in ways I’ve never been happy before. I trust you. Happy end of 2020, the cursed year, I hope you are blessed with rest. 

My AO3: saezutte

My public twitter: juncassis

My tumblr: here but I do not use tumblr much anymore, sorry.

Do Not Wants

[note: I have no actual triggers, nothing you can write for me will make me any more depressed or anxious than I already am]

Death (of major/important/beloved characters)

Suicide attempts, self-harm

Rape (outright; OK with dub con, manipulation, noncon short of violent-rape-for-violence-only)

Eating disorders, body shaming

Angst without a happy ending, really too much angst at all

Established relationship

Cheating

Actual Unrequited Feelings

Pregnancy (the actual process; breeding kink is fine)

Scat or watersports

Hard BDSM or any kink complicated enough that the characters would have to discuss it ahead of time

Homophobia as a plot device

Excessive attention to identity or politics, sometimes known as “issue fic”

Note on AUs: I am ok with the usual popular AU tropes but I do not want them combined, e.g. A/B/O is fine and coffeeshop is fine, but I don’t want an omega barista getting his scent all over the lattes he makes for some alpha lawyer who comes in every morning. (Ridiculous example, but you get the point.) For AU/modern settings of fandoms with magic, I often like it when the magic is still there in the AU setting. I also like AUs which maintain the general outlines of the character’s relationships, like if the characters are childhood friends in canon, I like to keep that intact.

General preferences:

I am a pretty basic bitch when it comes to fanfic: I like it when two clueless boys pine for each other through some shenanigans and then lock eyes/lips/dicks.

If you fed a neural net every fanfic written in Stargate Atlantis fandom between 2005 and 2010, the result would probably be some nonsense I’d enjoy.

I love many tropes. Tropes! Bed-sharing. Sharing an umbrella. WASHING EACH OTHER’S HAIR? Confessions where they are having an argument and then one of them yells “Because I love you!”

I love situations where characters are forced to spend time in close proximity and find themselves with feelings.

I love fakeness: fake dating, fake marriage, arranged marriage, marriage of convenience, fake lust induced by sex pollen or heats, aliens make them have sex, whatever.

I love porn, if you want to just write me some quick porn, that’s great. I do prefer (per the established relationship DNW above) that it be first time or get together porn. I know that can make it hard to just write porn, but I don’t need much to be convinced of sex.

Nirvana in Fire (TV)

Requested characters: Mei Changsu, Xiao Jingyan

Note: I also love Lin Chen so if you want to write some MCS/LC or LC/Fei Liu or LC/MCS/JINGYAN OT3??? go for it. I am also a Nihuang/Xia Dong shipper so if you want to put that in… somehow… my gay little heart would be happy. I also like Nihuang/MCS/XJY or MNH/MCS + MCS/XJY but I’d like the focus on the men in that case!

I watched this show because someone recommended this show to me as, like, Chinese Game of Thrones but good. I think it’s genuinely one of the best TV shows I’ve ever seen. I love plots and revenge and good people doing bad things for justice. Even the ending is good for me though obviously it left me unsatisfied on several points.

I am deeply into sickly doomed genius MCS and every time he got even more deeply ill, I fell deeper in love. Every time he coughs up blood, my heart would race. I love his terrible schemes and stupid self-sacrificing choices. I find watching this show very soothing because I knew he would always come out on top in his schemes. I trust him. I love handsome clueless Jingyan and how he’s just so good (it’s terrible.) I love his mom and how much he cares for her. I love him but he is useless, he needs his Xiao Shu and I need fanfic to restore him to him.

Note: So my limited research on this says that male/male sex practices were accepted and well-known in this time period in history, so I really don’t want them thinking “oh no what are these weird gay feelings.” There are other barriers to them being together, like a ruler or official being overly attached to one person was considered very bad. I am also a big supporter of the socially-approved polygamy of this time period, so I don’t need Jingyan to refuse to sleep with his wife or something out of loyalty to MCS—he has to do it! Or all their plans are ruined! And he can enjoy spending time with her or the concubines without affecting his feelings for MCS—you could explore that complexity in fic if you like.Prompts:

Mei Changsu isn’t dead, he’s hiding again, Jingyan searches for him

They start having sex during the series, the ending is averted [somehow]

Post-canon, MCS is alive and Jingyan hides him in the palace with his consort/concubines to keep him on as an advisor without anyone objecting

omega verse where MCS was an alpha before he “died" but an omega after he came back.

AU where male/male marriage is customary (maybe aristocratic men are expected to have one male and one female consort?) and so MCS decides the best way to influence and help Jingyan in the capital is by becoming his wife or one of his concubines

anything just get them together and happy.

Tokyo Babylon 

Characters: Subaru, Seishiro

I read Tokyo Babylon as a child and I imprinted on it deeply, now I love politics, ghosts, stalking, age differences, magic. Within the CLAMP canon, I love TB for its episodic focus on smaller stories, the commentary on contemporary society, and Seishiro being an outright creep. I love onmyojutsu and exorcism and Subaru’s innocence getting ruined. I love the city of Tokyo (where I currently live! but do not be intimidated, I don’t know the city well because we’ve been in quarantine most of the time I’ve been here and won’t judge you for details.) I’m open to fics that comply with X canon or not.

With Seishiro/Subaru: It’s bad but I love that predator/prey dynamic where the predator ends up being hopelessly entranced/obsessed/in love with the prey. My read was always that Seishiro lost the bet and couldn’t admit it—he’s just, you know, killing twins to avoid dealing with his feelings! Relatable! (?!?!) Subaru, I love particularly in his evolution from innocent to adult in love to betrayed. I’d prefer post-TB fic to during-TB fic (so Subaru knows Seishiro’s deal and loves him anyway.) I am also a fan of Hokuto and you should feel free to bring her back to life to troll if you desire.

Prompts:

AU or reincarnation plot where they are Heian period rival onmyoji

Because this is such a heavily place-based series, if you are a writer who likes to play with details of real life locations, I’d be interested in versions of different “Babylons” if you have an idea for it.

Tragic first times post-TB lol

Seishiro is a virgin the first time they have sex

I’d probably love some fucked up dub con for this, however you want to play it

Honestly, do whatever you want as long as you don’t fuck me over like CLAMP did.  

プリティーリズム | Pretty Rhythm

Characters: Hiro, Koji

Pretty Rhythm came to me at a weird time in my life. I lived in a house of spiders in Yokohama and did nothing for eight weeks. King of Prism cheer screening transformed my life and I didn’t even know what it was. Then I got weirdly deep into Rainbow Live and the Pretty Rhythm franchise overall. I am a scientist of prism theory. Idk why I like it, it’s just wholesome and crazy and there are penguins and DJ Koo. I love every TRF song because I’m a 90s gay at heart. It’s truly the end point of all media development. The prism world represents the fearsome power of virtual/digital+real hybrid life. Yes, I know I’ve lost my mind. I went to one of the real Prism Stone stores, the one in Harajuku.

Hiro Hayami: one time a fujoshi asked me to describe what types of anime boys I like and the first type I listed was “prince but bad” and my example was Hiro. Hiro is the crazy gay stalker disaster of my heart. He overcomes great hardship to achieve his dreams and foolishly falls in love along the way and he does everything wrong and Koji keeps leaving him. The moment when Hiro is crowned King of Prism in Pride the Hero was one of the top ten moments of my life. I made friends who don’t even know Japanese watch the movie unsubtitled with me on my birthday.

With Koji, I’m a bit guilty of “I want to give the character I love the most the character he loves the most” so I do like him less (it would be impossible to like him equal to how much I love Hiro). But he has many good points that make him perfect, like how he also sucks underneath his chill exterior. I love to see him go apeshit.

I also love everyone else in Rainbow Live, no exceptions. I love all the girls. If you do write the girls, I would prefer they not be paired with the OTR boys. I would prefer they be paired with each other, any combo is good.

Prompts:

this is the sort of pairing where I love fic where they split up and then 15 years later meet again as washed up has-beens but there’s still time for them to find each other

Canon-compliant companion piece showing the “background” of them getting together romantically over the course of the series.

AU where Koji is a prism world fairy sent to inspire Hiro but Hiro is kind of a mess

dirty, dirty porn… let Hiro get fucked

I have a lot of doujinshi with multiple copies of Hiro (a la the Mugen Hug jump) but I’d like something where Hiro gets overwhelmed by many Kojis

They start fake dating as a publicity stunt and have to keep doing it… especially good if it starts when Koji is at max hating Hiro level

Ring Fit Adventure 

Characters: Dragaux, Ring

Keeping this one simple: I like to be encouraged to exercise by a storyline and a trainer that never mentions weight loss, lol. The world is fun and pretty and I love that buff dragon.

AND THEN THE PAIRING. I’m sure Nintendo has some market research that told them a certain subset of users are very motivated by enemies who seemed to once be lovers or best friends. I am that user.

What is up with these two? They were so in love! Now Dragaux is a horrible swole bro (not in a good bro way) and Ring is training me instead? I can’t compete with their love. It’s the only time the game makes me feel inadequate.

You can keep Dragaux and Ring as dragon/ring-like as you like. Obviously I’m down with dragon fucking but you can also make him a human fucker too. I play with Ring on the masculine voice setting for maximum BL vibes as I exercise, but, you know, it’s a ring, I don’t think it has gender. Feel free to incorporate the player or other random characters too.

Prompts:

AU where Dragaux and Ring owned a gym together and Dragaux sold out to a big chain of gyms

What happened between them when Dragaux was still captured, pre-game? Bondage… literally??

Ring is always bossing me to train, but I’m really doing all the work. Why doesn’t he fight Dragaux on his own for once?? (because the sexual tension is too powerful.)

Tragic flashback to their dramatic break-up ending with their present day reconciliation.

Player/Dragaux/Ring threesome??? I’ve unlocked the sexercises???

With all fandoms, you are free to disregard the prompts and do your own thing. If you’re not sure about me, you can probably dm seriesera on twitter, she knows what I’m into. 

Well, I suppose that’s all for now. Please stalk me online to get more details on my bullshit. I hope you have a nice time.

Best,

Caitlin 

[autisticmight]

how does someone who knows little-to-nothing about it get into sanders sides? i saw thomas' vines, and i've been sort of tangentially aware that the facets of his personality that he portrayed in the vines have since become characters, but there's a whole bunch of new ones??? what the fuck is a janus???? HELP. tldr where do i find The Lore? plz obi wan ur my only hope

it’s very simple!!! you hyperfixate on thomas sanders’s content in, like, 2016? and then he uploads a video called ‘my true identity’, which is a bit weird, but you love those vine characters. then he uploads more, and it becomes a trend. apparently people in the comments are shipping the prince guy and anxiety. you rewatch the new year’s video an embarrassing amount of times with your dog

i had a whole paragraph here about why i like the series, and why i dropped it and then picked it up again, but it was just a block of lowercase text and i guess it’s kind of hard to read

anyway, here’s the playlist of every episode, but i’m going to put a summary of the series and individual episodes under the readmore, while also ranking them, because i am Special Interesting and i like being useful. and i guess i’m gonna write using. like. actual grammar. if the readmore doesn’t work, then. have fun reading my infodump

here we go

Sanders Sides: A Summary

Fictional Version Of Thomas Sanders (known as Character!Thomas, and will be simply referred to as ‘Thomas’ henceforth) has ‘Sides’, which are parts of his personality that have been exaggerated and personified. It’s a nice little series set in some kind of semi-urban fantasy world, but mostly in Thomas’s living room. It mostly uses the idea of ‘Sides’ to represent the inner schemata of an individual. In simpler terms, you know when you’re conflicted, and you end up arguing with yourself? Yeah, it’s that.

Also, don’t read the comments, unless you want to disregard the care I’ve taken to not put spoilers in the Season 1 Summaries.

Season 1

I’d like to split this into parts, because there are a lot of things in earlier episodes that conflict with later characterisation. However, it’s also fun to watch them, and then rewatch them after some of the longer episodes, and feel your heart shatter!

This half of Season 1 was made solely by Thomas. It tends to be a bit more scattered, and can be watched out of chronological order, or completely skipped. Yes, I’m telling you that you can skip literally all of this section, if you want to. However, these are also the easiest videos to watch, and offer a taste of Silly Sanders Sides Hijinks without the emotional commitment.

My True Identity (6 min) - Thomas delves into the three aspects of his personality; his Logic (Teacher Guy), his Creativity (the Prince, also called Princey), and his Morality (Dad Guy who is Not Thomas’s Dad). At this point, the characters are far more similar to their Vine counterparts, and the characterisation clashes with later episodes. (3/5 - A nice way to see if you’ll enjoy the humour of this series)

Way Too Adult (5 min) - Thomas is asked by his family to help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Dad Guy pops up and discusses with Thomas how he can better learn to take care of himself. Features a talking stove, which is part of the reason why I classify this series as urban fantasy, and the start of a running joke. (2/5 - A fun, albeit rare, look into Dad Guy being responsible. I actually prefer this to My True Identity, but ranks lower due to conflicting with later S1 characterisation.)

Taking On Anxiety with Lilly Singh (6 min) - Thomas hopes and dreams to get rid of his Anxiety, who is a sassy, snide guy, sitting on the staircase. Princey, as the embodiment of Thomas’s hopes and dreams, is... Usurped by an imaginary version of Lilly Singh, who helps teach Thomas how to cope with feeling anxious. (3/5 - Introduces some secret tools that will help us later. The tools are Thomas being able to travel to various places in his head, and also Anxiety.)

A New Year of Lying to Myself... In Song!! (7 min) - The first video wherein you realise that this is A Thing. Thomas welcomes in the new year, hoping that 2017 will be better than 2016. Logic shows up to help him figure out some New Year’s Resolutions, accompanied by Dad Guy and Princey. Anxiety joins in to point out that Thomas has rarely, if ever, kept to his resolutions before. Through the first musical number of the series, the Core Sides and Thomas figure out simple, achievable resolutions that Thomas can use to improve his wellbeing. (4/5 - Unintentional foreshadowing in the form of a bop.)

The Dark Side of Disney (6 min) - Princey, not for the last time, enthuses about the wonders of Disney. However, Anxiety also appears, insisting that Disney is not as wholesome as it first appears. They argue and bond, despite the fact that Thomas still hasn’t redacted his statement regarding his hopes and dreams to get rid of his Anxiety. (2/5 - I have strong feelings on the meaning of ‘Beauty and the Beast’ and ‘The Little Mermaid’, both of which are shrugged off in favour of the tryhard-edgy ‘blegh stockholm syndrome’ and ‘blegh change yourself to get your man’. Still, it’s a fan-favourite for a reason, and the endcard always makes me smile.)

I’m in a Disney Show!! (6 min) - Princey enthuses about the wonders of Disney, because Thomas is in a Disney show. He talks about what happened, while the Sides (mostly Logic) suggest clickbait titles in order to entice people to watch the video. (2/5 - L*gan P*ul is mentioned, as he was also in the episode.)

The Mind vs. The Heart (6 min) - Thomas finds himself split between following his mind, Logic, or his heart, Morality. Features onesies, and looks further into the characters of Logic and Dad Guy. (3/5 - Pretty calm and peaceful, to be honest. It’s nice.)

Then we move onto the second part of Season 1. This is when Thomas’s friend, Joan, began to offer their input into scriptwriting and directing. They’re most of the reason why Sanders Sides is an actual series, instead of being silly skit characters in short vlogs. From here on in, episodes become more complex, and work on an actual timeline.

Alone on Valentines Day (9 min) - Thomas is rather upset that he will be, as the title says, alone on Valentine’s Day. The Sides try to help him figure out how to get a date with an imaginary version of his friend Valerie, but each of them has a weirder way of going about it than the last. (4/5 - Far more cohesive than previous videos, but Thomas still wasn’t fully out as gay, so his hypothetical date is a woman. Yes, I took points off because of that. Yes, I’m about to erase the 3/5 to make it 4/5 because Valerie is a delight.)

Losing My Motivation (9 min) - When Thomas finds himself procrastinating, Logic takes it upon himself to find out which side is causing it. In order to get into a deductive mindset, Logic dresses up as Sherlock, while Dad Guy joins in as Watson. Once the case is solved, an important piece of information is revealed: the Sides have names. (Logic’s name is revealed) (3/5 - It’s just a fun little video, and I can’t keep giving every video from here on in 4/5, or that’ll ruin the whole thingy.)

Sanders Sides Q&A (9 min) - Exactly what it sounds like. There’s not much else to say. (2/5 - I love it, but it’s not really necessary to understand the whole series. It’s just extra characterisation.)

Am I Original? (12 min) - Thomas finds himself in a creative rut, trying to think of a completely original idea. Princey requests full creative control - “full-on Daydream Mode” - in order to rapidly consider and enact many different concepts, all while trying to make something that has never been seen before. (Princey’s name is revealed) (4/5 - Important characterisation for Princey. I originally rated it lower due to Thomas’s inability to rap, but upon rewatching, i found that the ending dialogue between Princey and Thomas was worth two points, rather than the single one I gave it previously.)

My Negative Thinking (13 min) - When Thomas messes up in an audition, his ego - Princey - is out of commission and being cared for by Dad Guy. Therefore, the only Sides available to aid him in this situation are Logic and Anxiety, neither of whom can help Thomas in the way he wants to. Anxiety is worsening Thomas’s mental state, so Logan proposes a debate in order to combat those cognitive distortions. (4/5 - A fan-favourite episode which offers a lot of insight into Logic and Anxiety as characters. It is useful as a tool for identifying cognitive distortions in real life, which may help with the individual’s mental health. Even though it introduces another running joke, it’s educational and fun, and it develops their relationship in a positive manner, I just don’t particularly enjoy it.)

Growing Up (15 min) - It’s Thomas’s birthday! He’s in his late twenties, and he’s still a kid at heart. He hasn’t done his laundry, he's silly and immature, and he feels like he isn’t at the point that he needs to be in his life. Therefore, all the Sides, except for Dad Guy, who ironically embodies Thomas’s inner child, work on trying to make him more mature. (Morality’s name is revealed) (3/5 - Features the concept of Voltron Shirt. I love this episode, but there is a noticeable change in audio quality at the end which affects how enjoyable it is.)

Making Some Changes (15 min) - Back in Thomas’s living room, and in opposition to his view from the last episode, Anxiety is worried about how life changes in unpredictable ways, and especially about losing contact with Thomas’s friends. Therefore, in order to keep Thomas’s friends permanently by his side, Princey gets them all to shapeshift. (3/5 - It might be skippable, but it’s just really, really fun.)

Becoming A Cartoon (10 min) - Adding to the whole urban fantasy thing, it turns out that animators can literally, physically turn people into cartoons. Thomas wants to be a cartoon. Princey catches Anxiety in his arms and says “everybody loves the villain,” and I think that’s all you need to know. (1/5 - Co-stars B*tch H*rtman, known for Fairly Odd Parents, Danny Phantom, and Being A Bigot, who did the character designs for the Sides, if not the actual animation. And the designs are kind of. Eh. Just watch some fanmade animatics.)

Accepting Anxiety (23 min) - Part 1: Excepting Anxiety (10 min), and Part 2: Can Anxiety Be Good? (14 min) - HOO. If the musical number or the animation didn’t clue you in, this video confirms that Sanders Sides is A Thing. Remember how Thomas hoped and dreamt to get rid of his Anxiety? Remember how he never redacted that statement, or even expressed a bit of remorse? Well, here, his wishes come true, and he doesn’t feel bad about it at all! That’s because he has absolutely no shame, caution, or fear of death. Yeah, he’s a mess. Therefore, the Sides make him take them on a magical quest to Anxiety’s Room, in order to un-mess-ify Thomas. (Anxiety’s name is revealed) (5/5 - The team really went above and beyond with this one. Like. Hoo. That’s it. Just. Hoo. Hoo. I’m an owl.)

And that’s Season 1!!! I’m going to add Season 2 in a reblog, because this has taken roughly three hours and it’s been really difficult to not spoil their names!!! which i did anyway because their names are all easier to type from muscle memory!!!

[shadowlorddemon]

Anxiety’s Despair

A lonely dark side sits in his room, sorrowfully listening to the playlist, head buried in his arms.

“Virgil...”

A dark side look up from his arms, making an eye contact with a tall, dark beast front of him. The beast tilts his deer skull that bled black inks from eye sockets.

“Why... didn’t you stop... the pain...?”

The distorted voice that echoed into the room that two beings were in. A dark side grimaced at the beast’s words. He then buried back into his arms as the song he was listening to ended.

“Virgil... Why didn’t... they help...?”

He fully aware that the beast was talking about other sides. Roman, Patton and Logan. The light sides. The reasons why they didn’t help him out because he, being typical of himself, refused to share his personal problems with them. He know he can trust them with his personal problems but this is beyond their abilities.

“...Do you... remember why... am I... created...?”

He paused. The beast, his creation, questions itself existence? No, it is his creation. A tiny part of him. It’s only natural that it sometimes questions its existence. He created the beast of his to put the pain he feels so he can safely hide his pain away from Thomas since they can affect him as well. The pain won’t affect Thomas much as it affects a dark side and his creation.

“Virgil... they could... never understand... the true pain...”

“Shh...”

He shushes the beast as it turns its attention toward the floor, which is very dirty during to the beast’s nonstop ink leaking.

“Virgil?”

A dark side snaps his head up and look at the door, heard Patton’s voice.

“Oh... Do you... want me to... leave you...?”

Virgil shook his head. No, no, no. He cannot let his creation leave yet. If Patton was trying to enter the room, then it would have to leave. But right now, Patton haven’t trying to enter the room.

“Virgil? You okay, kiddo? You haven’t came out of the room for awhile...”

A dark side lets out a chuckle. Of course Patton would get worried about him since he hadn’t interact with other sides.

“Yeah, Patton. I’m okay. I’m just under the weather. That’s all.”

“Lie.”

A dark side shot a glare at the beast.

“... If you says so...”

The soft footsteps can be heard from the door.

“... Do you... believe that... they cannot... help us... because... the pain... we feel... they cannot... deal with it...?”

A dark side nods solemnly. He doesn’t know why he answered the beast but for some reason, its presence give him a small comfort.

“Virgil... Someday... they will... figure it out...”

The dark side sighs heavily. Once again, the beast made a point there. Someday, they will learn about the beast’s existence.

==========

And that someday is coming sooner than expected. Virgil only can stare at other with horror look as they examined the beast behind him. Patton’s face held a terrified face, Logan’s expression is unreadable for now, Roman stares back with same horror face and Thomas’s face is mixed with worry, horror and confusion.

“Virgil...? What is...that?” Thomas gestures to the beast.

A dark side gulps. The beast tilts the head to left, black ink still pours out of eye sockets.

“Don’t talk.” Virgil reminds the beast. The beast only can respond back with a nod.

“Why?” Roman. Virgil looks at him. He can see a hint of confusion in his horrified expression.

Virgil shakes his head. The beast tilts the head to opposing side.

“This... this is my creation. I... I called it... Despair”

“Despair?” Logan asks with confusion. Virgil nods.

“Almost like a depression but not on the severe side. It only causes lot of dark thoughts. Not like these intrusive thoughts but much dark and sad thoughts. Almost like having minor suicidal thoughts.”

“What?!” Patton yelps. Virgil pulls up a hood. Thomas blinks in confusion.

“Why did you created that creature? And why that appearance?” Thomas just want answers from his anxiety side.

“I...” Virgil realize that he cannot explains it easily without showing how does it works.

“I...I’m so sorry, Thomas. But I don’t think I can explain this easily without showing you.”

“Okay..?” “Thomas, it will hurts you.” Thomas and the light sides froze. Virgil grimaces; the beast lows its head down, almost like in shame.

“What? It can hurt Thomas?” Roman said with disbelief. Virgil gulps and nods. Thomas lets out a exhale.

“You won’t let it hurts me too much, will you?”

“That depends.”

A voice echoed through the room and in their head. Patton, Roman and Logan flinched from the voice. But for Thomas, he immediately clutches his head.

“What was that?!” Thomas cried out in pain. Virgil shifts his feet in nervousness.

“That’s just Despair talking.” “It sounds like hundred voices was talking at once!” Thomas half whispering half yelling. “Thomas, I believe you were looking a word for ‘overlapping’ voices.” Logan said with matter-of-fact tone.

“Oh shush you.” Patton said. He turns to Virgil. “Is there a reason why you created that creature?”

Virgil frowns. “To share the pain of mine...” “The pain of your?” Patton said wonderingly. “Virgil.” Logan’s eyes are hardened. “Were you in pain?”

Virgil flinched. Sense the dark side’s distress, the beast warped a dark side with its black ink-leaking arms.

“I... Yes. I’m in pain for awhile...” He shakily sighed. “It’s hard to explain.” “We have time.” Virgil look at Logan, then Patton, then Roman and last, Thomas. The beast opens the lower jaw a bit, let the ink pour out for a bit. “Can you make Despair stop doing that?” Roman makes a face when the beast lets ink pour into the floor.

Virgil chuckles softly. “No. I can’t make it stop.” “Why does it leaks ink?” Virgil glances at Thomas. “Do you prefer Despair leak blood instead?” Silence. “...No.” “It leaks blood too?!” Patton exclaimed. Virgil nods. “At first, it leaks blood, black blood that is, and it causes so much mess and I want it to change the fluid that it leaks. They changed blood to ink.” “Ahem!” Logan clears his throat. “Can you explain why you’re in pain?”

Hissssss

The beast hissed as Virgil begins to fidget with his sleeves of the hoodie. “I...I-I am not sure if we like to share...” “We?” Roman tilts his head. “You mean the beast and you?” Virgil nods. “I don’t understand.” Patton said. Virgil sighs.

Hissssssssss

Virgil puts a hand up, silenced the beast’s hissing. He then turns to his left a little, beast released its grip. “The pain... the pain of having panic attacks.” “Panic attacks? You have these before. What’ made these so different?” Logan raises an eyebrow. “I mean you do have us help you-”

HIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Despair hiss angrily as Virgil bows his head down. Thomas winces at the echoed voice. “Why is it sounds mad?” Roman said worriedly. Virgil sighs. “..He doesn’t like it when you make me upset...” Roman winced. “Are you upset right now?” Virgil nods. Logan sighs. “I apologize if I upsets you, Virgil.” Virgil shakes his head a little.

“No. You did not...”

“Shh.” Virgil shushed the beast. “...you might did upset me but not fully upset me.” Virgil grips his sleeves. “What I mean by the pain of having panic attacks, is these symptoms of having panic attacks,” Virgil said. He held a hand up when Logan began to speak. “Logan, I’m Anxiety. The symptoms of panic attacks are amplified when I receive the symptoms.” Unsettling silence hangs over. The beast begins to get fidgety in its place. “...so... when you have a panic attack, the symptoms you gets; they’re amplified?” Logan said with unsettling tone. Virgil nods fearfully. The beast slowly warp its arms around Virgil again.

“It hurts...”

The beast moans before silenced by a dark side. Its unwrapped its arms from Virgil, allows him to move freely. “But... we were there for you when you have a panic attack...” Patton said. Virgil sighs heavily. “That’s true when you’re there. But the fact you might assume that I have calmed down from panic attack, which it’s far from the truth. When my body have calmed down, the symptoms of a panic attack just... keeps going.” Logan’s face changed. “Ah...” Patton looks at him. “What’s it?” Logan sighs softly and looks at Virgil. “I think I get what’s going on with you.” Virgil blinks in confusion. “What?”

“What... do you... talk about...?”

The beast asked. Logan glances at the beast. “I would give out a quite long explanation. If you are willing to bear with me, Thomas.” Thomas nods. “Okay...” Logan nods sharply. “Virgil. It seems we’re mistaken for your attack episode as a panic attack.” “Eh?” “What did you experienced, that’s not a panic attack.” Roman made a face. “What do you mean?” “These symptoms, they’re not panic attack symptoms. They’re actually anxiety attacks symptoms.” “Wha...?” Patton voiced his confusion.

“Excuse me?”

Logan nods professionally. “That’s right. While the panic attack symptoms contains; chest pains, racing or pounding heartbeat, dizziness, nausea, and the list goes on. But anxiety attack symptoms, although few of signs are similar to panic attack symptoms, did include muscle pains, loss of concentration, fatigue, sleep disturbances, and so on. What did Virgil experienced was anxiety attack, not panic attack.”

Silence.

“...that explains a lot.”

“It does... explains... so much...”

Thomas shakes his head. “Wow. And you’re blocking/protecting me from these?” Virgil and Despair nods simultaneously. Patton sighs softly. “Oh kiddos. You’re in so much pain and you didn’t think about asking us for help? We could have realized that sooner.” Virgil gulps as the hisses from the beast rises up again. Virgil puts a hand up, silenced the beast once again.

“Patton, Virgil have no idea about the difference between panic attacks and anxiety attacks. Same goes for Despair.” Logan said as Patton frowns.

Thomas stares at Virgil and Despair. “Um,” Thomas spoke up. “Since you created Despair, does that mean it is technically your child?” Roman snorted. Virgil grins wearily. “Yes. It is technically my child.” Roman snickers. “We have a dad side but our favorite anxious boy is actually a father.” Roman announces with hint of sarcasm. Virgil smirks as the beast opens its jaw in happiness.

(I wrote this out of blue and I actually like this story. I decided to share with it.)

[queerlyglittering]

LETTER BOY UPDATE

ok! This is long overdue lmao. but until the other day I was feeling a bit mopey and sad and also just generally tired and didn’t wanna talk about it BUT THEN  E X T R E M E L Y  LONG POST AHEAD

so lemme see where I last left off re: Letter Boy.... ok so like, to recap: there for a while we’d barely been talking. He didn’t have time to write to me most of the time, and then half the time when we did write to each other our letters kept getting lost in the mail, etc etc. I know I’d been like pretty obsessive over the whole letter-writing thing for a while so I thought I’d been pushing him away and like at one point I wrote him a goodbye letter? Like I was really out here like “I’m so sorry for bothering you so much, I’ll leave you alone now” like what sort of passive-aggressive bitchy monster lmao. And then eventually I was like nah fuck that, that’s not ok and I’m not leaving things like that, so I wrote him an apology and we kinda got back to talking a bit. And then he finally wrote me back! And his letter was deeply personal and emotional and I cried! He came out as ace! He told me he loved me! The absolute drama of it all! (Which it turns out, at that point he didn’t mean it in terms of like, romantic love, just like... he really cared about me as a person and was glad that he felt comfortable to write about his experiences re: being ace to me and it was sort of cathartic. BUT THEN!) So I wrote back almost immediately, telling him that I loved him too and that he was valid and shit lmao. That was all back in late May/early June I think... tbh I don’t remember what happened over the summer, lemme go back and reread our messages? b/c I know neither of us has physically written to the other since then.  Ok so we messaged a bit about potentially meeting up at a Pride festival, either there in Houston or up in Dallas, but the timing just generally didn’t work out in our favor for either event, so we wound up not going. And then we kinda sporadically messaged each other here and there, usually when he was stressed with school or I was stressed with work, etc, but we barely talked off and on for a couple months. Then I started my current job, and my sleep cycle got outta whack for a few weeks, and that’s when things started to get interesting again lmao

ok so sometime near the end of August, he had like a minor depressive episode or something in the middle of the night and messaged me at like 4 am saying he felt “gross and sad” and I slept through that because it was Saturday but I wound up waking up at like 6:30 out of habit from getting up for work, and I ended up calling him and we talked for a while and I vented about some stuff in my life too and then we both went back to sleep lmao. And after that things got a little more active in terms of communication; like y’all know me, I’m a Needy Bitch, so of course I wound up messaging him like once every couple days or so whenever I started to miss him and needed Attention. Like it kinda started with a tarot reading I got, just a standard past/present/future 3-card reading, but she pulled the Lovers for my present, so I mean.... and basically she said something about there being a person in my life whom I had feelings for, and who reciprocated those feelings, but there was a communications disconnect, and the relationship was getting to a point where it could begin to go stale, and that we shouldn’t block ourselves off from progress. After that reading I reached out and messaged him again, and we ended up literally speaking every day for a week. Like I think I’d made a post about that on here about not messaging him for the 8th day in a row and thought I was exaggerating but then I went back and counted and IT ACTUALLY WAS THE 8TH DAY, WOW AUDREY, YOU’RE OFFICIALLY ANNOYING. So I tried to get better about leaving him alone lmao but I started messaging him a bunch of stuff about my singing, because my old community had a brief resurgence in September. and he said he wanted to sing something with me someday and I’m 🥰🥰

So then at one point I had mentioned coming down to Houston for the weekend of the SFA/Sam Houston State game (which was last weekend, 10/5-6) with my friend, and ditching the game to hang out with him instead. I kinda let the subject drop for a couple weeks because at that point it was almost a month out and I wasn’t 100% sure I was gonna be able to go so I didn’t want to get both our hopes up. But then work started being really shitty and dicking me around about my schedule change that was supposed to have happened once I got out of training, and my home life wasn’t gr8 either, so I kinda latched onto that weekend trip as like a bright spot, or something to hope for. Something to keep me going. And he’d basically forgotten about it, which is fine, except I wound up springing it back on him at the last minute lmao. But then my friend who I was supposed to go with (because I can’t drive so she was gonna drive us down there) was like ‘nah I’m not going to the game, I have no money for tickets.’ So I was like well shit, there goes my happy thing. And I talked to her about it and basically begged her to just go down to Houston for the weekend anyway, I’d get us a hotel and everything, because I needed this. So she was like ‘alright, look at hotels.’ But then HER friend got very sick, like in-the-hospital having-mysterious-seizures sick, and she went to go stay with her in the hospital for a few days because the girl’s husband was being a dick about it (it turned out to just be an infection from a contact lens that got stuck in her eye and like melted??? idk. but it was BAD AND SCARY). But that was like Wednesday-Friday of the week we were supposed to go to Houston on that weekend and I wasn’t sure she’d be up to going. So I asked last minute if she still wanted to go or if I should cancel the hotel (not realizing that it was too late to cancel it anyway lmao RIP) and she said ‘ok sure but I wanna bring my kid, since I’ve been away from her for 3 whole days.’ I was like that’s fine, I already thought you were gonna bring her lol. So we wound up going down there on Saturday but we left a bit later than we’d meant to, and by the time we got to town, Letter Boy was already at work. So I missed him that day. The three of us (me, friend & kiddo) wound up swimming in the hotel pool and then ordering Chinese takeout for dinner so that was pretty fun. 

Then the next day, Sunday! Letter Boy called as we were checking out of the hotel to try and figure out what the plan was, where we could meet up, etc. We decided to meet at the mall nearby, since it was an easy landmark for all parties, and we could find each other pretty easily there. He took me (and my friend and her kid, though apparently that wasn’t the plan, and he would’ve preferred to spend time with just me; she even gave me the option to not have the two of them meet us at the restaurant and I decided not to take it because i was a nervous anxious coward lmao) out to lunch at this Korean place in town, where he loves to eat. We played a few rounds of a card game and talked and ate and it was great fun. Then he had to bail and go to work, and we had an interesting goodbye because I’d been out here trying to respect his personal space and all because from what he’d said in his coming-out letter, it sounded very much like he was touch-averse - but then he hugged me goodbye? and kept coming back for more hugs?! like “one more? ok just one more? and one more?” like nonstop for a good five minutes lmao. I was a bit confused but I loved it (my primary love language is physical touch; hugs are my kryptonite. And he gives AMAZING hugs. like I may have even actually dreamed about his hugs before I ever got to experience one, but that’s whole other post lol). Anyway so after that my friend and I went to hang out at her brother’s in-laws’ place because they lived in the area lol. Letter Boy had asked me to message him once I got there, so I did. I told him I wished I could’ve spent more time with him one-on-one, and he said “well if you’re still in town maybe you can sneak away when I get my break later” So I basically said hell yes, just tell me where to meet you, lol. We wound up meeting up at Starbucks and getting coffee and continuing to talk and hang out for the half hour of his break, and he really didn’t want to leave when it was time for him to go. Like he actually contemplated kidnapping me and bringing me to work with him lmao. If my ride hadn’t already been on her way, I would’ve gone with him in a heartbeat. I didn’t want to leave either. And he told me he loved me again!  🥰🥰🥰 It was sappy and sweet and just aghhhh <3

So that was a week ago today! And there’s been some interesting developments since then too. Starting off with that Sunday night when I got home, I’d had too much coffee (starbucks messed up my order and had to remake it so I ended up drinking both lmao, big mistake). So I was over-caffeinated and v emotional and couldn’t sleep so I started writing out all my anxious confused feelings in letter form, and wound up just linking Letter Boy to the Google Doc I’d been writing in. This was at almost 2 AM. Apparently I woke him up and he read it and replied to me over messenger and basically we talked about how like. when he first said he loved me in the letter, he didn’t necessarily mean it in a romantic context but it was definitely more than just platonic and he wasn’t sure how to quantify that. But now that we’d met in person, and got to spend some actual time together, he felt a little differently and that he was “not 100% sure but WAAAY more than 50% sure” that he loved me romantically, because partially because he’s ace, he’s just kinda unsure about romantic relationships in general and he’s reluctant to commit to them because the sex thing always becomes an issue. I reassured him that I completely understand and respect his orientation and would never ask him to change that aspect of himself or do anything that would make him uncomfortable, and he seemed immensely relieved. At this point I’m honestly not even sure how much of his feelings are genuinely for/about me, and how much of them are just some sort of general euphoria at having someone basically validate his orientation and his existence, because he’d spent so long being mocked and tormented by friends and lovers alike, and basically just feeling broken and worthless. And I completely understand that reaction. I’m not even sure I care if that’s all this is, if it comes down to it; I’m happy to be here to love and support him and make sure he never feels less than whole and valid again, no matter my context in his life. I just want him to be happy. I’d love to be the one who makes him happy, but if ultimately that is not my part in his life, then so be it. I’m at peace with it.

Anyway so that was Sunday night, we talked a little bit on Monday and Tuesday and then like,, nothing at all for a few days? And so of course my immediate instinct is that I came on too strong and pushed him away, just because he doesn’t want to talk to me every day?? so I got all mopey and sad and weird, because I thought I’d scared him off and lost him and idk. Also I was in a funk b/c my hormones are being wacky this week; I don’t really get periods per se with my IUD, but sometimes I’ll get phantom cramps and/or mood swings, etc. but this past week i’ve been spotting and cramping AND moody af, so that’s been fun. So I’d been all weird and sad and shit, and thinking he didn’t want to talk to me = he didn’t want me, and I was so paranoid and afraid because I still think this whole thing is too good to be true and I can’t trust it. I know it’s silly and far too early to be serious and it’ll never last and probably won’t end well. I know that it’s fun and easy and idealistic and won’t stand up to reality or practicality, when it eventually has to face them. So I’ve been bracing myself for that ending ever since it began. And I know three days isn’t very long, but after having a whole conversation about how we love each other, and how we love each other, it felt like an eternity. BUT THEN!!!!!!!!!

So ok, we did talk briefly on Friday, in passing. but it was a very short little conversation; the only major thing to come out of it was a further confirmation that yes, he’s serious about coming up here to see me. BUT THEN Saturday night (10/12), he got home from seeing Eric Andre perform live, and he was hanging out with his sister and drinking and generally being a goof, and he messaged me! UPDATE: It’s now sunday 10/20 and I’m still writing this. idk it’s been a lot, everything else in my life has been rough lately, idk. im not feeling as positively about this as i was before, but i’ll keep writing the update. I’ve written too much

SO! Anyway. he came home from the comedy show thing, and he was hanging out with his sister watching some Japanese reality show and drinking, and he messaged me out of the blue. Funny thing I’ve noticed is that he doesn’t generally reach out to me first and he’s not too expressive generally but whenever he’s intoxicated in some way, be it alcohol or pot or even benadryl, he gets really effusively, gushily mushy and sweet. So on this occasion he was drunk, or at least tipsy, and that means he was being extra affectionate and dumb lmao. He started out telling me about his night and then hit me with the “I wish you were heeeerrrrreeeeeeee” lol. And he said something about how one day when he graduates, we should get a place together, where we can “be non-binary and own our dreams” (the second time he’s mentioned possibly being nonbinary to me - or possibly third time, he said something in passing about being confused about gender roles, in a context that implied ‘in relation to himself.’ meanwhile I haven’t actually said anything at all to him about me being nonbinary, he just kinda assumed b/c i have a rly butch-y looking haircut rn lmao. but like.. he ain’t wrong tho 😂 so that’s a conversation that we need to actually have sometime.) He was like “it’s sorta romantic that you live up there and I live down here and we’re so far apart and we have to just kinda pine after each other basically” and i was like oh good, I’m not the only one pining lmao. But then he asked me to come with him when he moves to Japan to teach English there, sometime after he finishes his degree. Which like, I wish I could go with him, and I know that if we’re still talking at that point/especially if we actually get together, it’s gonna be hard to be that far away from him and I’m gonna miss him. But it’s just eminently not practical. I don’t have any college degree and I don’t speak a lick of Japanese, there’s no way I can teach English with him; and there aren’t many other jobs there for Americans. And he won’t be making enough to support both of us on a teacher’s salary, i know that much. So that’s where I start to get a bit disillusioned. Like I know it was just a drunk suggestion out of a desperation to not be apart anymore, and despite the fact that a drunk mouth often speaks sober thoughts, I know better than to assume that either of those offers to live together were any kind of a promise, and I have no intention to hold him to either of them. But in the moment I very much got my hopes up and I let myself get really excited and I regret that now lmao because like I knew even then that it wasn’t real. and now i’m just sorta disappointed because I’ve had to confront the fact that he’s very much a daydreamer and I, for all my delusional fantasizing, am at heart more practical than that. I don’t like to hope for things that I know can’t happen, because it’s just setting myself up for future devastation. And he just wants to hope and wish for everything, and maybe some of it will come true and maybe some of it won’t, and he just sort of seems unbothered by either outcome. For all my hopeless romanticism and my overemotional nature, I can’t bring myself to do that, to hope without expectation. I don’t know how. it’s so antithetical to my understanding of the world. And it just serves to highlight another of the many ways in which we are almost complete opposites - which isn’t a bad thing! but it can make some things harder. like handling distance, or hoping for the future, or just communication in general.

but anyway! back to drunken happiness lmao. he started saying really sappy shit like how he wants to be there for me when I’m feeling down, and he wants to have big dumb fights with me just so he can make it up to me with a big grand gesture like flowers or edible arrangements or something. and then he wrote me a drunken limerick and it was actually surprisingly good and really cute lmao. and he said he wanted to cuddle me. and then we got into a mini-fight over which one of us was cuter lmao. and he called me queen and said that he just wants to like. make me food and take care of me and stuff lol. and that he doesn’t even HAVE a type but somehow I am exactly his type? which is still fucking me up, that’s the sweetest shit i’ve ever heard. (because i know what he means, he’s dated around quite a bit with different types and genders of people and stuff because he didn’t really know how to handle his asexuality and of course the myth is that you just haven’t found the right person yet, so he just kept trying and feeling broken and then here I am, the first person he’s found to be accepting and understanding of that part of him, and still want him and care for him and be all lovey-dovey and shit with him, and he just wants me to be happy in return.) meanwhile I of course have several types, including different types for girls and guys etc, but he’s hitting all my boxes - tall, handsome in a kind of adorkable way, smart, funny, sarcastic, sweet, patient, sensitive, similar tastes in media and similar political alignments, queer. plus he’s just cute as fuck. like out of my league cute lmao but again, that’s exactly my type OTL so like I told him that, and that I just wanna like. hold him and be with him and help him be successful in whatever he wants in life. and he freaked out and was like ugh you should just come here rn i’ll hide you under my bed if i have to and i was like i wish i could :( and he was like THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH AUDREY COME HERE and i was like OK IM LEAVING ON FOOT SEE U IN 3 DAYS and it was funny. and we flung a bunch of heart emojis at each other. and then he made a passing reference to his mood swings and i kinda ended up ignoring it because i sent a message at the same time but in my head i was like boy have you even MET me, 1. the swings have always been my favorite piece of playground equipment, 2. i’ve got mood swings down to a fine art, and 3. i’m more worried about whether you can handle mine. i’m pretty sure i can take yours in stride lmao. and then there was more talk of cuddling, and HE STARTED HEART REACTING ALL MY MESSAGES and i’m just like WTF STOP IT THAT IS THE CUTEST SHIT <3333 and then he sent me a dollar by accident? and I sent him the “i love you bitch, i ain’t never gonna stop loving you bitch” vine lmao

and apparently this whole time he was still sitting around with his sister? lmao because he said she told him she approved of me after i sent that vine 😂 and she apparently likes my hair! which is good lol (reminder I need to post some pics of it on here, I posted selfies to fb but i don’t think i’ve posted on here yet). his sister is also bi lmao and seems cool in general (and also from what i’ve seen creeping her fb, she’s REALLY GORGEOUS, like it runs in the family, these fuckers should be models, it’s ridiculous really) so having her approval is v nice. like at least one member of his family approves of me! now to work on the rest 😂😂 and then he was talking about he was gonna get high also (despite being already drunk) and i was joking with him about bogarting the weed and he was like “when we live together I’ll share my weed with you” lmao but he said it with such certainty, like it was just a given. not an if, but a when. which threw me for enough of a loop. But then he started in on this fantasy scenario where like it’s late at night and we can’t sleep so he makes me sushi by hand, and we feed each other with our chopsticks (he was impressed that I already knew how to use them lmao) and we sit on the couch arm in arm watching reruns of cheers and laughing way too loudly and fall asleep in each other’s arms as the sun comes up outside but we don’t have anything to do the next day so it’s ok. and it was the sweetest most romantic shit I’ve literally ever heard in my LIFE, like it sounds like actual heaven and i was crying happy tears at this point lmao. just 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 like in that moment i felt so fucking loved i couldn’t even speak and y’all know i’m never speechless, i literally can’t fucking shut up most of the time lmao. and like at that point his phone was dying so he went to plug it in and go to bed and I did the same because it was like 2:30 in the morning but i was just giddy with affection and couldn’t sleep. 

anyway so the next day (sunday) i had a party thing to go to that was really fun but i’m socially awkward so i texted him a lot as a crutch. and then the next day (monday) he had given me “permission to bug the crap out of him” so i messaged him a lot throughout my work day because it was an unusually crappy day anyway. and the day after that (tuesday) we messaged about the democratic debates and stuff. and then i kinda tried to give him some space, because i felt like i was smothering him, and i made it all the way to friday evening before i caved in and messaged him again. like i don’t wanna bother him by messaging him every day, i know he’s busy. whenever he doesn’t actively have class, he’s got homework or he’s working (which usually means he’s driving and can’t talk). but i’m like so addicted to the affection i get from him, it’s bad. my anxiety just keeps building and getting worse if i try to avoid messaging him and I don’t make it very far before i end up giving in and messaging him for a hit of that good ol’ dopamine. so we ended up catching each other up on the events of the latter part of our week, and talking about sushi preferences. and he apparently has never had eel?? like that was probably the 2nd or 3rd thing i tried lmao 😂 but then to be fair I had a boyfriend at the time who was very interested in making sure i tried new things, and who had been stationed briefly in japan so he knew a lot about sushi and wanted to show off. anyway Letter Boy is like me, he prefers salmon by a wide margin. and we talked about how he’d tried squid and did not enjoy it, and that turned into a mini battle to see who could post the weirdest squid-themed gif lmao. and then i sent him the playlist but he still hasn’t listened to it yet I don’t think. but he also wants me to write him a poem lmao so that’s something i should start working on i guess. but idk i’m not feeling it rn but that’s not his fault. 

and then today happened and i had another incident with my mother and her narcissistic bullshit and i was feeling like shit so i reached out to my best friend to kinda get some validation that i’m not actually the narcissistic one (which felt shitty and manipulative, like if i have to ask i’m probably at least a LITTLE narcissistic. but then again if i actually was narcissistic i guess i wouldn’t even have that doubt? like i would just be certain that i wasn’t and not second-guess it because i wouldn’t care? and like making their victims believe that THEY are the narcissistic ones and the abuser isn’t, is a classic hallmark of gaslighting and narcissistic abuse? but i still felt like shit about it idk). And I also reached out to Letter Boy because while I love my best friend more than words can say, like she’s my sister-from-another-mother, Letter Boy has kind of become my comfort person. like i always used to write letters to him whenever I was going through a rough spot, as a distraction. and usually I’ll message him whenever I’m starting to feel anxious or sad, but lately it’s gotten to where I’ll start to feel anxious and sad whenever I don’t message him regularly. like i’ve said, it’s getting bad and i’m worried about it. like that’s not a good sign of a healthy relationship. and it’s nice to have some positivity in my life, especially given all the negative shit i’m constantly surrounded by. but that doesn’t mean this relationship is healthy or good for either of us. so that’s yet another thing on my list of shit that’s making me anxious lol. but anyway he tried to be supportive when i told him about what i’m dealing with in re: my mother, and encouraged me to get out, but he just seemed kinda generally lost. like he didn’t know how to deal with it. and if that’s because he’s been fortunate enough that in his life, that kind of behaviour is not something he’s experienced, then I’m happy for him. but he said some stuff about not really believing in labels, but specifically in regards to mental health issues? which like. that’s all fine and good in terms of gender and sexuality, but with mental health, that’s a medical issue. you kind of have to have names for things in that context so that you can treat them. and i get that he was kinda trying to be encouraging to me, to not let my mother make me think of myself as a narcissist, and to not feel so shitty about myself in terms of like my depression and anxiety and stuff. but it just felt like it was sort of coming from a place of very neurotypical privilege and misunderstanding, and it was sort of unintentionally invalidating. and then he brought up the idea of us living together again, once he graduates, but he said it in a slightly more realistic way which i should have been happier with but that only wound up disappointing me. he said “maybe when i graduate we can get a place...” instead of like his certainty from earlier. and i said i wish, and he said that he wishes too and we should both hope for it and maybe it’ll happen. and i’m just like... hope is a dangerous thing for my emotional health, i don’t want to hope for something that isn’t going to happen. and he basically said that i need to learn to hope without expectation, and set small goals as baby steps toward that bigger dream, and i’m just like. i don’t understand but thank you lmao. and that’s where we left off this evening. and i’ve been crying, about shit with my mom and my life in general and worrying about all this bullshit with letter boy and how like a week ago we were blissfully happy with each other and now things are feeling increasingly less certain and i have this burning feeling in the back of my mind that he’s not gonna actually show up for the Syrup Festival in 3 weeks - which again, i’ve pinned all my hopes to, it’s the light at the end of my newest tunnel. and i’m so nervous because i want to show him everything and let him get a feel for where i live (and why i feel trapped here lmao) and yet at the same time i don’t know how to handle it because i don’t think he’ll feel the same way about it as i do. and i’m still not sure he’ll even come. because despite him telling me repeatedly that he wants to come, i can’t help but feel that either something will come between us within that time, or he’ll just end up having to work, or something, and he won’t actually come. i’m so terrified he won’t want to come. I’m terrified i’m pushing him away. because this whole thing, ever since we started writing letters, has felt mostly one-sided, like i’m out here sharing everything with him and flinging my love and attention at him, and getting scraps in return, just enough to keep me coming back for more. and i don’t know if he’s stringing me along or if he’s serious. he is a bit flighty. I don’t want him to fly away. but i don’t want to hold him down, either.

i don’t know.