otterstudies

[teleportationmagic]

[localnerdforsteveharrington]

theo nott smutt plsss i love ur writing wayyy too much 😭🫶🏻

A Very Happy Halloween

A/n: thanks so much, hope you enjoy x

Warnings: smut obviously, kissing, a bit of swearing, groping, praise. 16+

Even though it felt like I had just gotten to school, halloween was soon here. I stared at myself in the mirror. I had decided that tonight I would sleep with Theo. The thing is, I’ve had sex before but not with him as we’d only gotten together at the end of our 5th year.

The white angel dress hugged me in just the right places and I couldn’t wait to have Theo see me in it. He’d told me weeks ago that he was being a devil and I knew that once he saw me like this, he wouldn’t be able to resist.

I walk downstairs to the party and everything is in full swing. Making some rounds, I eventually find Theo and his friends. Enzo gives me a not so sly smirk and wink which leads to Theo smacking him across the bed of his head.

It never took long for him to be dragging you away to his room. He takes no time in pulling off his clothes as do I. His lips press soft kisses across my skin. My breath is taken away from the feelings. “Now, sweetheart, you sure you want this?” Theo asks, “we can always wait.”

“I need you, please” I murmur in a begging voice. “Fuck, sweetheart” Theo mutters, “be good, will ya? I need to be in you now”. His hands move across my body and I find myself leaning into his touch. I have got to have him in me soon.

Soon enough he is in me and I can’t hold back any emotions. Our moans fill the room. “Fuck, baby, taking me like such a good girl. You gonna make me cum by being so good for me” he groans and this only encourages me as he thrusts in.

“Please, please, I need to come” I beg of him. Theo grips onto my hips and flips us over so that I am on top. His grip moves to my ass just as my climax hits. This was so much better than my first time. It feels like I’m on ecstasy and I get driven over the edge as Theo continues thrusting into me through out my climax.

“C’mon, keep riding me, baby. Make me feel good” Theo says as I keep moving during my climax. I feel come inside me and for once I’m happy I’m on the contraceptive. I collapse onto his chest. Everything feels so good but now I feel drowsy from it all. “You ok, sweetheart? I wasn’t too rough or anything?” he asks as I nod, leaning up to kiss him.

Theo leans down and pulls me close for a kiss all the while still being inside me. “Theo, m’ tired, I wanna stay here” I mutter to him, kissing his once more. “Ofcourse, baby. Lemme just clean you up, ok?” He said, pulling out of me.

[chibishortdeath]

I got a new sketchbook since I filled one recently :3c. Shout out to suddenly getting a ton of energy and drawing bizarre fanart at 1 am 💀💀💀.

I’m putting the more violent ones under a cut even if the post is already tw tagged because of the subject matter being a bit dark d(^^ ).

Along with explanations for all of them of course!

⚠️tw for self harm and burning past this point⚠️

First one (before the cut) is just some pose practice. Simon’s just sitting, all sad and mopey. There’s also a little chibi doodle of him in the bottom corner and a little pose armature in the top corner for a pose I didn’t even end up drawing whoops lol. I feel like I drew his face a little differently than I usually do in this one :O. Idk how that happened lol.

This one is to show the differences in anatomy between each game! The curse takes a lot out of him, poor guy, so he’s a bit less jacked than usual 😔. Well, more specifically he doesn’t have as much of a layer of protective fat anymore. And he’s also very tired :(. But yeah, this is just a reference I’ll look back at to keep this detail consistent! I was going to put scar reference on it too, but I completely forgot and eh it mighta made it kinda hard to make out anyway d(- - ).

I drew this side profile of Simon while watching a video talking about lost media stuff. I think the image I based it on was something Saki Sanobashi related, idk I just liked the vibes of the hair being blown back by wind and got inspired :). And yes I know that Saki is probably a hoax 💀💀💀💀💀, I didn’t have much interest in it tho tbh, besides just hoping something lost gets found in general. Lost media videos are honestly great for putting on as background noise when drawing :)

Simon is totally me when I have a crisis and cover my face with my hands, but make sure one eye is visible and miraculously out of shadow for dramatic effect!!!

Ok spookier stuff time, first of the below the cut drawings. This one is based on how sometimes vampires are depicted as being able to drain someone from long distances or beyond the grave. Dracula is mean, and Simon is suffering from the curse, the usual. Augh I actually need to do things cause I keep thinking of a cool scene of Simon having a weird Dracula nightmare and then waking up to see it wasn’t a dream, and that’s tropey as hell, but it’s spooky!!! Do you see my vision?

This is a depiction of like what happens with a game over or something :O. Like an absolute worst possible outcome: Simon dies and Dracula is unsealed and fully regenerated. I basically just took is Simon’s Quest design and then rehydrated it and tada, Dracula is no longer a skeleton— He ends up looking way more like Vlad the Impaler in this outfit hmmm. Also, unrelated, but a friend of mine mistook Dracula for Jesus in this drawing 💀💀💀.

Oh boy, edgy depictions of uh a lot of not being very kind to yourself themes. Idk how else to describe this one other than ya know when you get really mad at your past self for making a mistake or the wrong decision that you could’ve only known about in hindsight? Also in part the fear of actually becoming a vampire at the end of all of this? And I guess a bit of feeling like it’s your own fault, you’re the one that keeps shooting yourself in the foot, but I feel like he’d also attribute getting hit by Dracula in the first place as his fault too… hmm just a lot of very sad things going on, this one was definitely a later 1 am time drawing, maybe 1:40 or something. I think what I draw at night is further proof to not trust you when you’re tired; I get weirdly existential at night and then it’s totally fine in the morning. Simon! Just sleep! Stop overthinking!!! You’ll be ok!!!

This one I debated putting up at all cause it’s graphic and not finished (TwT ;). But it was a rare drawing of Simon smiling that didn’t look uncanny, which is kinda ironic because Simon this is not the time to be smiling—! That is also wayyy too far for just the Dracula ritual, you really only need a tiny amount to open the seal, but I’ll cut him some slack cause he is a bit at wits end by this point. I’d say maybe he’s smiling because he thinks he finally won, but tbh I thought of it more like when things are just so bad you start laughing. Like Dracula just rose from the altar and the morbid irony of it all is just so absurd, the irony that you did everything right and fought tooth and nail (Dracula’s to be exact lol) to stop it and here it is happening anyway. I wanna give this guy a weighted blanket and a bowl of warm soup—

These last two are based on what could’ve happened to him. The Grey ending is pretty much usually considered the “worst”, but they’re all nearly interchangeable, especially in the Japanese version. For example: the western release really makes the Blue ending seem like he died and didn’t kill Dracula, but it’s a lot more that he just died doing it in the original, which is to say that it’s kinda like the Grey ending just with a different eulogy— Anyway, the Grey ending is the only one that doesn’t show Simon at Dracula’s grave, so I’ve always taken it as he didn’t make it out of the castle basement. And well, setting Dracula on fire is a pretty common way to kill him so uh um, R.I.P. I’ve got a couple ideas for alternate comic endings to say the least. I might honestly just depict all of them and leave it entirely up to the reader which one happened because it doesn’t change much— Though this also has me thinking of how him surviving would work now. The curse would definitely have left some lasting effects, you don’t just magically stop having been rotted, sleep deprived, and whatever else it did. Idk I picture him being like Renfield levels of lost it afterwards if that makes sense… that could also be a pretty solid explanation for why his story isn’t told correctly and the cycle repeats with Maxim later; it’d be a pretty traumatic thing to talk about tbh. Ok but yappersvile over, next doodle 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

Aside from the burnt doodle that’s uh same explanation as the above (R.I.P.), the other two are just a little head angle and expression practice and one tiny one towards the top that’s Dracula being all spooky ghost vampire, but I didn’t like how it was looking and gave up on it 💀💀💀. It’s very hard to draw a vampire attacking someone and not have it look kinda awkward or unreadable. Tbh I struggle putting two characters in one image anyway because I have to draw the anatomy lines for both of them and they end up getting really hard to tell apart when one is behind another, one character suddenly isn’t proportional compared to the other, or you find out one of them isn’t tall enough for the pose you had in mind (>~< ). So anyway Dracula was accidentally way too short all of a sudden and I couldn’t figure out how to draw his torso without making a completely incomprehensible blob behind Simon oof.

Okie, it’s lunch time, bye :3!

[lyxvija]

For lovely Anon! 💚

First, sorry this took me longer, but I couldn't contain myself again and went overboard. The relationship HCs are a bit random since there are so so many to talk about D:

Anywayyy here we go! (It is the middle of the night, I am tired and if I were to proofread it would take me so much longer so: warning for errors)

Infos about the Three One Shots, Relationship HCs and Extra of Big Bug Boyfriend One Shot 2

Infos

The three One Shots were inspired by me simping with mutuals and writing:

Getting licked by big bug Mam affectionately

Getting licked by big bug Mam frighteningly

Getting licked by big bug Mam lewdly

Since it still takes some time (Ahhhh wayyy tooo muuuch) to write Mammon in his monster form in Finders Keepers, I decided to write these three little unrelated One Shots with a gender-neutral reader. At first I wanted to make em afab!reader/Mammon, but thought it´s totally possible to write them gender-neutral so everyone not into fem!reader can enjoy some Mam content too.

The three OS can be seen as having the same reader or being unrelated. I didn't have any specific background story in mind, so people can insert their own characters better. :3

(It does have potential to become a more lose less plot intense Fanfic, but I am kinda tied to the two Mammon fic, future two Mammon fics, and my stories from other fandoms.)

................................................................................................

My HCs about Mammon x Reader (very much the same as FK, but the plot influences the dynamic pretty much, so it takes very long to get to a relationship basis. Tbh it really depends on the backstory of Mammon and Reader, but for BBBf I have chosen a healthy basis.)

Mammon is Aro Ace. Yep! The big spooder boy doesn't crave any romantic bonds nor does he need sex. Mammon likes sex for fun but could go without it for centuries if he is really invested in another project. (Like him inventing the concept of casinos had him hooked for centuries that sex was the last thing on his mind)

So when reader/you came along and at one point fell for you he was more than overwhelmed on what to do. Every approach and interaction would either be kinda out of instinct OR motivated by his Greed to get you to be his.

(Remember: Aro and Ace are a spectrum. It doesn't mean peeps can't have relationships or don´t want sex!)

- Dating Mammon:

It can be either heaven or hell. Depending on how you two get together! If he gets attached to you, he´d become very clingy, show off and you better say goodbye to your personal space. Honestly, he doesn't even realize he is overstepping all the time. He rarely questions why he wants something or why he wants to hold you all the time or fidget with parts of your body with his four greedy hands. Mammon is a ruler of hell, so he doesn't give a shit how people perceive him. As long as it does not impact sales, he couldn't care less.

As long as he doesn't recognize these aching feelings as having a crush on you, he'd never initiate anything similar to dating behavior. The big spooder man would do anything to keep you close, keep others off you, and just follow what his heart tells him to do to keep on having these fluffy feelings in his chest. Maybe you´d have to help him connect the dots.

Mam is not that dumb but misses many things cause his brain is solely focused on chasing the high of his Sin. It is like an addiction. Basically, as soon as he catches feelings for you, his Greed would also get involved and get more intense (worse) over time.

With or without your help, as soon as he is aware that he is infected with what people call “love” he´d start trying to impress you… with his influence, he can create various situations to get you into a “romantic” setting. (whatever he sees as romantic)

Mammon´s love language/ How he shows affection:

Possessiveness. Yes, you read right. Possessing things is the best feeling in the world for him. So getting you into his web would be his number one priority. Doesn't sound very loving or safe, cause it isn't. Greed is a Sin and it WILL influence your relationship. It's destructive. He hates to share you and wants all of you for himself. Depending on how well you are able to maneuver through his manipulation tactics and if you are headstrong as a person, the basis for your relationship would be either your demise or actually have somewhat healthy potential. He'd actually be absolutely excited if you showed you like being his and also the other way around! While he looks like the biggest dom, he´d be down on his knees if you call him yours, give him pet names, and call him your big sweet bug. At some point you could even get him a collar with the words: “Y/N´s property” and he´d not take it off and wear it 24/7 under his Jester suit. You “owning” him is the biggest declaration of love you could make.

Mammon would shower you with gifts as soon as he sees you as his. Owning you means being a part of him, so he´d try and make you happy with getting what you desire. While he´d be a major dick and has no sense of being polite, because he doesn't care about anyone but himself, you could still teach him some manners and social conscience. Good luck though, you will need it.

Breaking up with Mammon or Running away

Lol, we saw how that one would go down. He'd basically hunt you down! In the second one shot you fled, because you thought he was about to kill you off for burning tons of his cash by accident. In this case, he thought you got abducted! He mobilized Greed's whole Mafia to track you down.

If you were to run away since you realized you were indeed not fit to be Greed´s s.o. , he´d be more than desperate to chase you through all of hell to get you back. His actions would range between pleading for you to come back to him cause he can't be without you and going full-on yandere for you. Depending on how toxic you like your Mammon he´d even trap you inside his castle and keep you as a pet, cause he simply could not let you go.

IF you broke up with him he´d be more than salty about it. He´d go through the FOUR STAGES OF GREED: denial, anger, bargaining, depression. Acceptance will never come. XD He will be stuck in an endless cycle of these four stages. The worst ex you can imagine. If it weren't hell, I'd advise you to go into a monastery, since he won´t let anyone else have you. If he was mad at you too when you broke up, it would be a lot easier though. Still, having a Deadly Sin as an ex is still the worst jackpot you could hit.

Healthy relationship HCs:

You'd be in good hands when it comes to health, food, and living conditions. He'd make sure that you get anything you´d desire. What´s the advantage of having THE clown as a bf? HAVING A CLOWN AS A BF. He´d be silly for you. He might not perform anymore, but holy guacamole… if you adore/enjoy his silly little acts, he´d do them just for you. Making you smile would be all the motivation he needs to get up and running for you. Since he is not the best when it comes to talking about emotions(he is outright terrible when it comes to love), he'd try to cheer you up with jokes and smashing pie in his own face. JUST LAUGH AGAIN, PLEEAASEEEE. He hates to see you cry!

He is a silly big spider. Fooling around like in the first chapter is adorable. He might not shower you with sweet words, but he would do these silly little acts to show his absolute devotion. (It makes you laugh so he sees that as an absolute win.)

Touched starved 24/7. His hands are always on you. Never letting you go. He´d be an absolute cuddle bug. Even if you were busy, he'd follow you around like a Pokemon. If you had to do paperwork, he´d even offer you to sit on his lap or between his legs (not like that you pervert) and let you use his luxurious office desk as long as he is allowed to wrap his arms around you, play with his phone and yap about everything and nothing.

The major pro about him being clingy: HE WILL MASSAGE YOU. That man knows how to stroke each muscle to make people comfortable! (Totally not a manipulation technique.) Since his hands are on you all the time and need constant stimulation or else he will explode into confetti, he will randomly start to massage you. Just like that. You will melt into his soft side by his sweet and tender touch.

Okay I think that is enough for now. 😀

Now to the BBBf chap 2 ending:

You needed some time to recover from this horrid week. Mammon would not leave your side. You disappearing without a trace unlocked new fears he didn't even know his heart could feel. Imagine…for hours he was digging through the ruins and with every dead body he and the staff found his heart stopped thinking it could be you. He went crazy. Not prepared to lose what he grew so fond of. You were the first he let get so close to him. Let him discover new feelings that were so alien at first, only to have your sweet little self ripped away from him. The mental image of you suffering a horrible death made him go nuts. He had seen and was also responsible for the death of many hellborn. Mammon couldn't bear the thought of finding your body twisted and crushed between the thick rubble. You, on the other hand, had interpreted his desperate screams as him trying to find and end you. It would take you both MONTHS to recover from this. Mammon is being extra careful and you are so deeply grateful for him loving you so much at this point. You often questioned if you weren't just a plaything for him, but that event had taught you otherwise. In hindsight, you felt absolutely horrible for thinking so badly about him. With his whole focus on you, Mammon would absolutely sense that something is off. (He IS able to read people like an open book as long as his focus is truly on it.) However, you refused to tell him. Mammon would think he´d either done something wrong or that you still suffered from the trauma these goons inflicted on you. At one point he´d blame himself, thinking you didn't feel safe around him anymore since he failed to protect you. You got abducted ON HIS PROPERTY. IN HIS RING. Silly spooder thought he broke the fragile trust you had built up. A Deadly Sin, one of THE most powerful creatures in hell, unable to protect their lover… He´d apologize to you, go down on his knees. In his big form he´d cover before you like a remorseful dog, laying on the ground flat. Congrats, he´d even start to whine and whistle. He couldn't protect what was his. The one demon known for defending what was his failed so miserably and he can never make up for it. So at one point, you had to tell him, to end both of your suffering. While Mammon was relieved to hear you were in no danger at any time (except the explosion) he would be devastated about the real reason.

He did not break your trust, but you were running away from him because you were afraid of him? Wait… THAT WAS WORSE?! You seriously thought he would kill you! THIS WAS HORRIBLE. He would just stare at you, making you nervous since you had no idea how he was going to react. Would he get mad? Would he throw you out since you lied to him and caused all this mess and put him through so much in the first place? At the same time, you could smack yourself for taking the very same mental path that had led you into this mess in the first place!

Mammon would just remain unmoving. Images flashed through his mind. When he arrived at that rundown ghetto. When he saw you running away from him. How you fled from him, screaming. You never were in some kind of primal survival mode… all this time you were running from him! Covering on the floor, fearing for your life. When he picked you up, you were thrashing around, begging for him to spare you. Never once had you lost your mind, you firmly believed he was there to hurt you. THERE WAS NO TRUST TO BEGIN WITH. It would take Mammon so long to mentally digest that he started to dissociate a little. He somehow had lost you that day... but not in the way he had thought. You see him as a danger… although you two shared so many tender moments together. HE NEVER HAD DONE THAT WITH ANYBODY. Yeah, to you it wasn't much, but to him, this was a big deal! So you had no idea what him doing all those tiny things for you actually meant? What a big deal was that MAMMON was down on his knees for a hellborn? Sharing a bed repeatedly?? Allowing SOMEONE to come close to him. Physically and emotionally. If the other sins saw any of it, they wouldn't believe their eyes. When he got up, turned around, and left with the words “Gimme a minute” you knew how bad it was. Nobody managed to turn the energetic Mammon speechless… him showing no emotions was scary.

Good news: after another talk, you could assure him, you were feeling inferior to him before the event already. Tried to tell him that the enormous gap between status and power had taught you to feel like vermin around a royal. Mammon was not dumb. He was absolutely aware of the harsh hierarchy in hell, but somehow “forgot” about it when it came to you. Not your and his fault then. Couldn't blame you, since he would totally crush any hellborn´s head if they were to displease him in terms of his royal title. Yeah… may he have done that in front of you too…FUCK.

However, the two of you were able to sort it out. The big guy would even make sure to respect your boundaries more. That shit freaked you out. Mammon and not constantly overstepping??! HELP, he is malfunctioning! If he continues, he´ll probably poof into confetti and respawn in his default mode from thousands of years ago!

But psssst! Mammon only causes new fears: “Y/N would run away and leave me when scared” and “As long as they think I am a danger to them, they will never love me and therefore I can never HAVE them.”

If you start becoming more comfortable in showing affection, he´d start being a cheeky bastard again. Don´t worry.

[angel-jada]

1NC0M1NG CH4T FR0M . . . . . RORONOA ZORO

✩ F0RUM N4M3 . . . . . ANGEL

✩ F0RUM C0NT3NT . . . . . school au, f! reader, flirty! zoro, zoro is very quickly down bad, sickeningly sweet, so adorable, like i cant, the ai had me gigglin’ and kickin my feet, wayyy too tired to proofread

✩ 4UD10 R3CS . . . . . WHO HURT YOU? / daniel caesar

Classes had long since ended, and after having a much needed talk with your History teacher, you decided it was time to start heading home.

Wanting a shortcut, you cut through the courtyard to get to the back entrance of the school, only to find a green-haired boy sitting under a tree, fast asleep.\

Huh?

You walked up to him curiously, not expecting him to open his eyes.

“I’m napping,” he snapped, 

He seemed annoyed that you woke him up.

“I just wanted to check on you,” you replied.

He scoffed, “And why would you need to check on me?” 

He stood up slowly and brushed off the dirt on his pants, sighing, seeming even more annoyed that you were still there.

You took a deep breath, doing your best not to react to his attitude.

“You looked like you had been asleep for a while. I just wanted to make sure you were all right,” you repeated.

“And what would you have done if I wasn’t? Huh?” He asked, folding his arms, grey eyes locking onto you for an answer.

“I would’ve called someone to help and stayed with you until you got better,” you answered, simply.

“Ha, that’s cute,” he scoffed again, dawning a slight smirk, “You’re a kind person, I’ll give you that. Now go away. I want to go back to sleep.”

He sat back down, tucking his hands behind his head.

“Too bad,” you shrugged, sitting down next to him, “I’m staying right here.”

If looks could kill, you would have been dead.

He sighed in annoyance, “Go. Away.”

His stern voice was demanding.

In the short time you had known him, it was probably the most emotion you had heard out of him yet.

You smiled, innocently, “Nope.”

He narrowed his eyes at you, “You’re annoying.” he said plainly, as if giving a fact you couldn’t argue.

“Y’know it’s rude to interrupt someone’s sleep?”

“It’s even ruder to leave someone to sleep by themselves outside where they could possibly freeze to death,” you stated plainly as well.

“You really can’t take a hint, can you?” He asked, frustrated.

He was now getting quite agitated with you, it showing with the tenseness he now had. 

Yet, he still had control of his emotions as he could tell he was starting to lose it. 

He took a deep breath in and out, turning his head away from you.

“Just... let me sleep, okay? I promise if I die from the cold, you can tell everyone what a bad person I am,” he sighed.

You raised a brow, turning your head in confusion, “Why would I do that? You’re not a bad person. Not to my knowledge.”

He stayed silent and closed his eyes, clearly trying to be patient with you.

You could tell he wanted nothing more than for you to leave, he was only giving you more chances to out of his own good will.

Because as much as he’d hate to admit it, he was a genuinely nice person.

Still, he had an unreadable expression on. One that was hard to decipher but you could tell it had some displeasure in it.

“I’ll be quiet and stay with you until you’re ready to go,” you caved, pulling out a book from your backpack.

He opened an eye to see you holding the book, sighing again.

“What book are you reading?” He asked plainly in a curious tone.

Maybe you had a chance to turn this around.

You smiled, “It’s about pirates.”

He suddenly had a look of interest come to his face and gave you a smirk.

“Is it now? What’s the book called? I might have to check it out.”

Your smile grew, “It’s called the Adventures of the Grandline. It’s a colection of stories about a whole bunch of pirates searching for this treasure hidden at the end of the sea. My friend Robin gifted it to me.”

His eyes widened slightly, and you could practically feel the excitement radiating from him.

You had definitely caught his interest.

“Wow, your friend Robin must be a very good gift giver to give you a book about pirates,” he chuckled in amusement.

“Well, she knows how much I’m fascinated with them. Especially their sword fights,” you dreamily sighed.

His interest was now piqued even further.

“Is it only pirate sword fights you enjoy? Or are there other things you like about the topic?” He asked.

You were proud. You were able to bring this grumpy and angsty boy out of his mood.

He was enjoying the conversation, and didn’t seem like he wanted it to end just yet.

“Not only that, but their honor and loyalty to their crew. It’s something to be admired,” you answered.

He geeked,” Well said. And what about their courage to stand up to others? Doesn’t that make you respect ‘em?” 

You nodded quickly, “Definitely. the freedom that they have is something I’m really envious of.” 

You dreamily smiled.

“To have no responsibility to anyone else except yourself, and maybe some choice people.”

“That sounds like the dream life, huh?” He chuckled and nodded in agreement with you. “To be able to just go where you want, when you want, do whatever you want? It is really something worth envy.

He looked out into the horizon.

“I guess you could say it’s something I dream about often as well.”

“Really?” You asked, turning to him with sparking eyes.

He smirked, “You think I’m kidding? If I could just drop everything right now, take a sailboat and live a life of adventure and freedom, I would do it in a heartbeat.”

He turned to you with a sincere smile.

“I think anyone who doesn’t think that way is just scared to be a little bit selfish and put themselves first.”

You smiled back, “What’s your name, Mosshead?”

“The name’s Zoro,” he nodded, not expecting you to guess his nickname right of the bat.

“What’s yours? I don’t think I’ve asked yet.”

“(y/n)!” You blushed, embarrassed, “But some of my friends nicknamed me Angel for....whatever reason.”

“(y/n)....that’s a beautiful name,” he smiled, testing out the word on his tongue. “Your friends must think you’re petty angelic. Maybe the ame fits you more than you think.”

Zoro added the last bit with a chuckle, trying to tease you.

You blushed, “Speaking of which, I will say there’s a good amount of romance in this book, too.”

His ear perked at this.

“Romance? You mean between pirates?” He suddenly had a hint of dreaminess in his expression, “That sounds interesting. How do they play it out? I imagine it must be complicated.”

You nodded, “It is. Most of them struggle between their loyalty as a member of their crew, and their loyalty as a lover.”

“I see. So basically it’s like every pirate’s dilemma,” he agreed. “Choosing their loyalty to the crew, or their own personal feelings. It must make for some interesting stories.”

He was beginning to see the appeal of these romance novels

“Which do you personally think is more important? The loyalty to your crew or to your lover?”

“I think it depends on the person’s personal values, and the promises they’ve made to others. One thing you can’t do is break your word. The book says a person’s word is the only thing completely owned in this world,” you answered.

“Pretty wise. You seem to have your values set straight,” Zoro smiled. “You already seem honest and loyal by the sound of it.”

“I’m sure your friends are lucky to have you.”

You blushed, “I’ve been told so. But what do you think? When it comes down to it, what do you think a pirate should choose? His loyalties or his personal relationships?”

He let out a little chuckle while thinking it over.

“I see myself as a loyal person, so to me there would be no question. I would always pick my crew. That may seem cruel and selfish, but you would just end up with a bunch of pirates who only cared about themselves if we always put our hearts first. The crew should always be top priority,” he explained.

You nodded, approving his valid answer.

“What about you? What would you choose in that situation?”

You paused for a moment, allowing yourself to think.

“i would have to choose the same thing. Though that wouldn’t mean I wouldn’t care about the person any less,” you answered, allowing your gaze to travel over to the green-haired boy.

Though....you didn’t exactly know why.

He gave out a short laugh at your last comment.

”Is that so? I’m flattered that I would be the person to come into your mind during a hypothetical question,” he said in a teasing tone as he smiled at you.

You blushed horribly, giving him a playful sock in the arm, “Who said I was talking about you?”

He cocked a brow, smirking.

“Well then, did you have a specific person in mind then, or were you just being a little ease and didn’t have anyone in mind?” he asked with an amused look.

You smirked, “Maybe a bit of both.”

Looking up at the sky, you realized just how late it had gotten.

“Damn, I lost track of time. I gotta get home. It’s already getting pretty dark.”

He chuckled again, “You are a little tease, aren’t you....”

He looked up at the sunset with you, letting out a sigh.

“I should probably start heading home, too. Want me to walk you?” He asked as he stood up, stretching.

You stood up as well and flashed him a thankful smile, making him blush, “Yes, please. Thank you.”

“Well then,” he smirked, holding out his elbow for you to take, “I suppose I should be a gentleman and walk you home proper.”

He couldn’t believe it, but he was truly having an amazing time talking to you.

You smirked back, linking arms with the boy, “Lead the way, Mosshead.”

He smiled softly at the use of his nickname, a light dusting of pink gracing it’s way onto his cheeks.

“As you wish, my lady,” he joked, beginning to walk you back home, leading you through the path to the exit of the school.

“Hey, could I see your schedule?” You asked. “Maybe we have the same classes.”

He blushed again as he reached into his pocket and grabbed his schedule, a cheeky grin on his face.

“Sure, what are you planning to stalk me in class now?” He teased with a smirk.

You blushed in embarrassment, taking the paper from him, “No! I was just curious.”

“Sureee.”

“Hmm. We have English, Math, P.E, and Japanese 101 together, but that’s about it,” you thought out loud, ignoring his comment.

“Guess you’ll be seeing more of me around school,” he smiled, “But hey, maybe I can help you study for those classes in the library? I’m pretty good at Jap 101,” he offered.

You smirked, taking your opportunity to tease.

“That depends. I don’t know why, but something about you tells me that you’re horrible with directions.Will you even be able to find the library?” You cocked a brow.

He chuckled, noting how bold you could be sometimes in the back of his head.

“I’ll admit. I’m not the best with directions, but I do think I could atleast find my way to the library. It might take me a couple tries, but I’ll get there eventually,” he shrugged.

“See? I’m an amazing judge of character,” you smiled proudly.

He rolled his eyes, jokingly, “You always playful like this?”

“Yup,” you nodded, popping the p.

“Well, I guess we can count on having fun together,” he smiled.

Count on?

“I wanna know more about you though. Do you have any other friends? I see you hanging out with those two boys Luffy and Usopp a lot,” you asked.

He chuckled, “Yeah, they’re my friends. I’ve been with ‘em for a long time. I have other friends, too, but most of my closest ones are part of my crew. They’re like family to me. We’ve stuck through thick and thin together.”

“Crew?” You smirked. “You guys a band of pirates or somethin’?”

“That’s exactly what we are. I’m amazed that you’re so perceptive,” he teased.

“Do you think pirates are bad?”

You smiled, “Well in your case, no. Your group actually sounds like a dream. Wish I could join.”

He laughed, “Would you really want to give up your life to run out and sail on the sea with a bunch of pirates? Y’know, it takes a different kind of person to live that lifestyle.”

“I’m more enamored with the freedom aspect. If I get that part, then I’m willing to put up with anything else thrown at me,” you shrugged.

“I see. So really it’s just the idea of living a life of freedom that appeals to you?”

You nodded, “Mhmm. Freedom is amazing. No rules, no responsibilities. You’re free to do whatever you want, eat whater you want, go wherever you want, hangout with whoever you want,” you thoughtlessly glanced over at him once again, “like whoever we want.”

His eyes widened for a second as you gave that glance, befor ehe quickly recovered.

“So you’re saying you have your sights set on me?” He asked with a smirk.

“Well, today just keeps getting better and better. At this rate you’re gonna have me fallin’ for you before the day’s over.”

You were speechless. Unable to do anything but blush and turn away.

He chuckled.

“You’re adorable,” he teased and smiled. “I know I’m a forward guy, but is it too soon for me to ask to go out with you? We did just meet today.”

He spoke in a joking tone, yet you could see from his eyes that he was clearly being serious about the offer.

And while your heart was practically jumping at the chance, your head wanted to take things slow.

And your head seemed to win.

“How ‘bout we get to know each other a little more, then go from there,” you smiled, the two of you walking up the porch steps to your house.

He nodded, 

“Fair enough. How about I get your phone number and text you later?” He smirks.

You blushed, “Definitely.”

Quickly whipping out a pen, you scribbled your number onto his hand and gave him a quick peck on the cheek once you were finished.

You gave him a sincere smile.

“See you at school, Mosshead.”

His breath hitched, and his hand rose to feel at the place your lips once were, his cheeks turning a beautiful shade of crimson.

No more big talk now, eh?

Once he composed himself, he smiled at you fondly, a smirk growing on his lips.

“Yeah...see you around... angel,” he replied in a soft tone before turning around and walking away.

Though once he got a safe distance away, he glanced back at your house, allowing his blush to show freely.

He had never had someone affect him in this way.

Two hours ago, he never would’ve dreamed of ever feeling anything for you, the girl who ruined his nap.

But now, you were all he could think about, taking up space in his brain like clutter in an attic.

You were almost unreal, ethereal even. 

Your friends were right. You really were an angel.

[novaheart8]

I like this theory, but my hobby is trying to disprove theories, so this was my work on your theory. (N is Cyrus and Cynthia's child) It's wayyy too long to put here so I put it in a pastebin. It might feel passive-aggressive but honestly rn I'm just a little angry so it's nothing to do with you. Can't put links in questions so go to pastebin and put /UrFQjAJH after the link. If you don't know what pastebin is or something, well uhh idk what to say :P

Thank you for this!! I actually enjoyed reading it /g. I think there's a huge misunderstanding in the disproval of the theory concerning the timeline though, so I'll explain it more here if you'd like to read it (otherwise, you can skip ahead). Then, if you would like to make another argument, I'll be happy to read it!! /g (I CAN'T STRESS THE /GENUINE ENOUGH. I ENJOY DISCUSSIONS!!!)

The idea was always that N was kidnapped as a toddler/young child. Never as a baby. Because you're right! Ghetsis and the rest of Team Plasma would want nothing to do with a baby.

I'm not too sure where you got the "N is 14 during Unova" from. Because for my theory, he's 18 during BW (and therefore 20 in B2W2), and N was canonically designed to be around that age range (18-20) anyway. Which means, following that Unova took place 10 years later than Sinnoh, that N was 8 at that time period - meaning he's 3 years older than Team Galactic, and that actually helps me since I can pinpoint that N was kidnapped at 3! Thank you for that, since that was a detail I overlooked!

It is heavily implied, if not canon, that Cyrus is depressed due to the loss of Rotom (besides his parents emotionally neglecting him), because he had never felt so connected to a Pokémon. That much, I understand; and in fact, had I been up for writing any more, I would've written more about them! However, I simply haven't had the motivation to write more stories. In my eyes, the loss of Rotom was a separate life-changing event that happened much earlier to Cyrus (when he was still a child), and wasn't what pushed him to form Team Galactic and remake the world to be without emotion and spirit. The loss of his family is what I believe pushed him into that.

I'm not going to deny that the line that mentioned he cared about others was about his Commanders, because it absolutely was! But I like to think it was also about his family, though Cynthia, at this point, wouldn't acknowledge that.

Now, as far as my theory posting being a big part of the Mizuhikishipping tag, I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that there simply isn't a ton of recent Mizuhikishipping content besides this. I'm in the same boat with you in wishing that there were more posts for them!! Sorry if you're getting tired of seeing my posts though. I think tumblr has a feature that allows you to block tags? Maybe? If so, I always tag my theory posting as such (#the cyrus and cynthia are n's parents theory), so you can block that tag. Hopefully that'll free up some space as you look for other content!

Your friend should not, under any circumstance, push my theory down your throat. I am deeply flattered they believe in my theory, but at the end of the day, it is just a theory, and is very likely not going to be made canon, no matter how much anyone would like for it to be. I'm sorry that happened to you, and I know I'd feel the same way in your situation.

I hope this all leaves you with a better impression. Again, if you want to talk more about it, you can leave me another pastebin link or something! I'd be happy to discuss this theory with you, since it's something I treasure, and knowing its flaws can help me to fortify it. Thank you so much for your time, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night, anon! ❤

[secretivemessenger]

Sorry for updating so late, been busy today

I finished Hashihime of the old book town 2 days ago, it was absolutely amazing, i think i'm gonna replay the first route again, it's just so good😭

I bought another bl game from the same publisher(?) And i thought they would have the same mc for each route but turns out the mc changes every route, i didnt know this and got attached to the first mc, needless to say, i am unable to continue with the 2nd and third route as i am too attached to mc, yes i have attachment issues, i'll probably play the game once my attachment to the mc is gone or sum, probably will take months if not a year or two.

I've bought Hashihime of the old book town, Royal Alchemist & Uuultrac so far, i'm gonna get Divine speaker next but after that, i feel lost on what to get, there really aren't many bl game that interest me, hashihime set my standards wayyy too high to the point i want to make a visual novel but remembered i'm shit at using softwares, plus i dont know if my art will turn out good. (And i have no idea how to draw backgrounds)

Alright so for the update of the date, we went to get some dinner, we originally wanted to go to a fancy restaurant as he suggested but then we decided to go to his place last minute, when we did get to his place, he got changed from his suit to a more casual wear and started cookin', he made some Spaghetti Carbonara for the two of us, he also brought a vase of flowers to the table, lit up some candles and turned off the lights, it was pretty romantic, i remember every single detail, his cooking was delicious as always, after we had our fill, i offered to wash the dishes as he already cooked after that he gave me some of his clothes to change into since i only wore formal clothes as i thought we would only go to a restaurant, and then go back to our respective places, he lent me a shirt and pants, we were almost the same height so it fit, i took a bath and so did he (seperately) , we then got on the couch and since he didnt have hashihime of the old book town on his computer or laptop, we decided to watch a gameplay of it on the tv, why did we do that you might ask, because i wanted him to see Professor's route, plus he was a bit curious, i was crying mid way through the route as the route was so sad😭, he saw me tearing up so he grabbed a tissue and wiped my tears, it wss kinda awkward since i never rlly got this treatment before...I thanked him and apologized for letting my emotions get the better of me lmao, he told me there was no reason for me to apologize and we continued watching, by the end of it, he was really heart warmed by the gameplay, by that time it was getting a bit late but since he didnt need to work the next morning, we stayed up some more, playing games, baking, ate snacks and made smoothies, IT WAS SO FUN😫

When we went to sleep, instead of me taking the couch, this time he told me to stay on the bed with him, I agreed as we have stayed in each other's beds together before, we cuddled each other to sleep, when i woke up, it was about 9/10am, he had already woken up before me, again preparing breakfast, we ate and he took me home not long after, i fell asleep in his car, i woke up on my bed, him on my couch, i fell asleep for about an hour, he said he had to carry me as he didn't want to disturb me, i was shocked he could carry me but then remembered i'm very light...

After that nothing really happened i was just busy throughout the day and almost falling asleep every second, sorry if this is too long, i was just so happy this all happened, i never had such fun in my whole entire life😭😭 applogies for typos anywhere, still pretty tired but unable to sleep for some reason,maybe it's too soon but i'm planning on initiating the first kiss next time we go on a date, should i invite him to a date a week from now? Or is it too soon? Any advices??

Man your really obsessed with games

Also that was too sweeet like form a movie and some , and no it’s never too early and not too late so go for it

[chatonyant]

are u planning on making any major (or minor) changes revolving the kekkei genkais? :D

OhohO yeah I’ve got plans :> thanks for asking, I have an excuse to ramble about them now :D

The ideas I have actually came before the idea of this au because I was chatting with my friends and had a whole ramble on “Hey, kekkei genkais don’t make sense. What if they did?”

The ideas, much like pretty much everything else, are still a work in progress BUT the general idea I have for them is that they’re learnable jutsus-- it’s just that they’re harder to learn and control and may have physical debilitations due to the nature of the jutsu. 

This is excluding the things that are obviously physical/biological like the doujutsu and the bone kekkei genkai. Though that does bring up the question of why Ao could activate and deactivate his Byakugan but Kakashi couldn’t do so with his Sharingan. Personally I want to think that it may have something to do with a battlefield implant by a still-learning (but highly talented cause wOW) medic-nin. But that’s more food for thought at a later time :D

More rambling underneath!

So to go more in-depth with kekkei genkais being learnable, I want to first talk about the original concept itself. It’s interesting how within the Naruto universe, there’s this concept of knowledge being passed down through genetics. Because this isn’t the Avatar universe, where movements and will are what control the elements. Though their movements are akin to martial arts, accidental bending exists, as does bending with casual movements. Ninjutsu isn’t like that. Ninjutsu requires specific hand movements in a specific order. The control of chakra could be instinctual, like someone knowing how much energy they need to jump, but hand signs are a lot more precise and complex(?) than that. So how is it that such knowledge is passed down through genetics? Haku and Tenzou both wield their bloodlines very well without having a teacher with the same kekkei genkai. 

I’ve got no proper answer for that in canon (except the idea of “why not?”), but I do want to go more in-depth with the idea of knowledge and instincts within the au at a later time, tying it in with the idea of yokai and spirits ;)

So. The fundamental elements of kekkei genkai aren’t unusual. It’s the combination of two chakra elements to create a secondary element. But is that impossible for other shinobi? What makes these clans so special? 

In this redesigned world, this combination of chakra elements isn’t impossible for other shinobi-- just really really difficult and requires high chakra control. If a shinobi doesn’t have the chakra control and just slams the two elements together, sure it could work, but it may not have the results that they particularly wanted. These jutsus COULD be copied by someone who has a Sharingan, but it would difficult for the copier to control said chakras if they didn’t have experience beforehand. 

Another reason it’s difficult is the physical requirements. For example, Haku’s ice. So say someone eventually DID learn how to utilize the ice style. But there are consequences. They can’t use it for long before the cold seeps into their skin and bones and begins numbing their fingers and potentially causing hyperthermia. Haku, being born with this kekkei genkai, has a body better suited for such jutsu which could vary from naturally lower body temp to being more resistant to the cold. 

Another example is Tenzou and his Mokuton. I mean really, this man can turn his body into a tree. Enough said about physical requirements. 

HOWEVER.

That does not mean that someone couldn’t learn a modified version of Mokuton that doesn’t require turning your flesh into wood. 

But before I get into that, let’s go into ambient chakra. 

I don’t know if this is canon or not and frankly i’m too tired to find out because it doesn’t matter, i’m doing my own thing. 

I’ve got this headcannon that there is ambient chakra that infuses the air, water, and nature in general. This is not nature chakra, because nature chakra is a special type of chakra that does not usually float around in abundance because if it did, sages would just need to tap into the near infinite energy of nature around them and spend less time “gathering” the energy. No, this is just casual chakra that just vibes in the world. 

Haku’s ice is created by the moisture around them. Ok, cool. Fire jutsus are created when the user breathes out chakra elements. Aight, makes sense. You could totally science that and say something about chakra and friction and sparks and- yeah. Kisame creating a fucking mini ocean in the middle of a desert?

I hate my brain trying to science this. Did I just make ambient chakra a thing just to make some things make sense? Yes, among other things? Am I going far too into things when I really don’t need to/ probably shouldn’t? Probably.

So. Conservation of matter really doesn’t apply to this world, but ANYWAYS, shinobi subconsciously use ambient chakra to create and manipulate the world around them. They basically use their chakra as a fishing line to hook onto the chakra of their surroundings and yank it into position. Or create a mini-ocean in the middle of a desert, whatever. 

The idea I have of how Mokuton works is that the user manipulates the roots and seeds of plants around them into growing faster and moving where the user wants them to be. Thus, their jutsu is weaker in areas with very little plants. At first I was thinking “hey maybe they make wood out of nowhere like they do with water” but then I was like “wow that would use up a LOT of chakra.” And also i just like the idea of a Mokuton user carrying around seeds and tossing them around but I digress.

So a Mokuton user would use their chakra and ambient chakra to feed the plant and make it grow. (wow such a simple explanation that took too long to explain-- I’m sorry, words get ahead of me sometimes.)

Thus a person can learn to manipulate the plants in their vicinity but not be able to turn their own flesh into wood like Hashirama and Tenzou :D with Obito as honorable mention.

Stuff like chakra chains are less of “wow that require pinpoint control and understanding of chakra natures” it’s more of “oh fuck that’s a lot of chakra and i have to mold it into shape outside my body??? nope” it’s like Rasengan! except with wayyy more chakra and more density. (Tailed beasts!!! It can fucking hold down tailed beasts-)

Chakra is said to have five (+two) natures but there’s also so many different types of jutsus shown within the show that things inevitably get very very confusing

[emergencymanagement]

there are so many plot holes in Peter’s betrayal IT’S INSANE

okay! hello! can I just rant for a minute? I’m writing a fic that spans from the beginning of the marauders’ years at Hogwarts to Remus and Sirius’ last days together and I’m trying to lay down the timeline of the first war right now, and

 nothing! about! jk rowling’s plot! makes! sense!

(apologies in advance for spelling mistakes I’m drunk and tired, but let’s gO)

Problem 1: The Potters

JK has two conflicting timelines of when the Potters go into hiding:

Timeline 1: 

the Potters go into hiding immediately after Lily becomes pregnant

this means they went into hiding around October 1979 and stayed in hiding for two years until they died in October 1981

that’s a long ass time! a loooooong ass time! you’re telling me they were locked in their house for two years?? that means they only served in the Order for a little over a year which makes no sense because...

Problem 1: Somebody took a photo of the Order in July of 1981 and James and Lily were in it. Why would they have left their newborn baby at home (or taken him with them!) to go to Order headquarters and take a photo for an organization they hadn’t been a part of for almost two years?

Problem 2: In Lily’s letter to Sirius, written around August of 1981, a month after the photo was taken, she reports being in hiding and says that James is starting to get antsy not being able to go anywhere which implies they JUST went into hiding and are still getting used to being stuck in the house

Timeline 2: 

Based on all the information above, the Potters must have gone into hiding early to mid-July in 1981, after the Order photo was taken and before Harry’s birthday  on July 31st (Lily mentions in her letter that Harry celebrated his first birthday in hiding). This would make sense because if Peter was already working for Voldemort (which Sirius claims he was in POA) then it wouldn’t take him very long to betray them to Voldy, and so them being in hiding for only three months before they were killed is very reasonable. So this timeline that I’ve just described must be J.K.’s second timeline, right?? that would make sense, right? WRONG. Nothing makes sense in this world, you fool.

timeline two ACTUALLY says that the Potters had to go into hiding “at the time of Harry’s christening”

which like?? what??? his christening? okay. I guess Lily was devoutly religious because Christianity sure didn’t seem to be a big thing among the purebloods (what this reads like to me, though, is another example of JK Rowling trying to weirdly inject Christianity into the Harry Potter books while ignoring all other religions, but that’s for another time) ((fyi I have no issues with Christianity or blending religion and fantasy but her usage of it is odd and noncommittal)) 

christenings usually happen anywhere from a few weeks to six months after the baby’s birth depending on your sect, situation, e.t.c

this would mean that the Potters went into hiding around late summer-early fall of 1980

THIS would mean that the cast the Fidelius charm for a year before their death

this seems more likely than the first scenario, but all of the problems listed above with the picture and the inconsistencies in the letter are still present

On top of that, Sirius claims that Peter was a spy for a year before the Potters’ death. This would mean that Peter secretly joined Voldemort at almost exactly the same time the Potters went under the Fidelius charm. Admittedly, the Potter family being directly threatened and going into hiding seems like a solid catalyst for Peter noping-the-fuck-out of the Order and secretly becoming a spy. He probably partially joined the Order because all of his friends were doing it (James especially) and so seeing James being forced into hiding was probably a huge shock for him. Also, at this point, the Death Eaters were winning, and he was most definitely shitting himself over that. So. Yes. Timeline works there. 

BUT! then why did it take Peter a year to give the Potters up? It seems (although there’s some wiggle room) like they didn’t switch secret keepers, rather made it seem like Sirius was the secret keeper publicly while Peter was secretly the real secret keeper. In this scenario, Peter either would have had to willfully withhold this information from Voldy himself for almost year, which is kind of a dangerous move coming from a coward, or he told Voldemort the minute he was made secret keeper and for some reason Voldemort didn’t do ANYTHING ABOUT IT FOR A YEAR. Does Voldemort have really bad procrastination issues? Did he just forget that there’s a baby that’s threatening his very existence out there somewhere?

This leaves one last plausible option: something happened that made them switch secret-keepers last minute, and Peter did not become secret keeper until shortly before the Potters’ death. This is not what Pottermore or the books imply, but it’s what makes the most sense. We’ll come back to this option in problem 3 which is all about secret keepers, but for now let’s talk about the prophecy that made all of this come to be... 

Problem 2: The Prophecy

Dumbledore says that the prophecy was made in 1980 “shortly before [Harry’s] birth” on a “cold, wet night”. 

I think that anything below 50 Fahrenheit/10 Celsius can be considered cold, so according to this map of temperatures in the Scottish Highlands:

(okay... yes... I see it too... perhaps the climate map of the Scottish Highlands is taking things a bit too far. But I’m trying to make a point, okay!!)

Trelawney could have conceivably given Dumbledore the prophecy anywhere from late March - early June. There’s some wiggle room there, but I’d place my bets on it happening somewhere in the spring based on the weather and timing. This means that Trelawney made the prophecy a year and a half before Voldemort was finally able to kill the Potters. So what took Voldemort so long? Let’s break it down. 

We know that Snape overheard the prophecy and brought it to Voldemort. From there Voldemort decided to kill Harry not Neville because Harry was a half-blood like himself, Snape went back to Dumbledore and offered himself as a double agent in exchange for Lily’s protection, and Voldemort reportedly spent “months searching” for the Potters until he found their whereabouts and discovered they were using a Fidelius charm. Then “WITHIN A WEEK OF BEING NAMED SECRET KEEPER” Peter betrayed them and Voldemort was able to enter the Potters’ home. The implications of this are too ridiculously convoluted to get into, but I’ll hit the stuff that makes me want to scream: 

Option 1: Snape Tells Voldy Immediately After He Hears the Prophecy

In this scenario, we only have a few months accounted for. Voldemort finds out about prophecy, searches for a few months, finds the Potters, kills them. Makes sense, right? Bing, bang, boom. Very efficient. Except no. He knew for a year and a half, so what was he doing with allll of that extra time? Discovering the joys of muggle television? Completing a 5,000 piece crossword puzzle? Teaching Nagini to dance? Get on top of it, man. World domination is on the line. A few months is not a year and a half. 

It’s also possible that the few months thing is wrong, and Voldemort was actually searching for the full year and a half. If Peter gave the Potters up within a week of becoming secret keeper, they should have been dead wayyy earlier! Like over a year earlier! Even if Sirius was the original secret keeper, and they switched mid-October of 1981, Peter would have still known where the Potters where and that they were under the Fidelius charm, information Voldemort didn’t know until shortly before he killed them. So why did Peter, who was already a spy at this point, fail to say anything? If Voldemort had found out Peter had willfully withheld information, he surely would have killed him. That thought alone should have been enough to make Peter come to him immediately considering how terrified Peter has always been of dying.

Option 2: Snape Sort of Drags His Feet with the Whole Thing

okay so maybe Snape didn’t tell the dark lord immediately. Maybe he knew what this would mean for Lily and was terrified. Maybe he debated for a long time whether it would be safer for Lily if he kept the information to himself or if he told the dark lord and begged him to spare her (fuck the baby, am I right?) 

STILL this is a big risk for Snape. No one really wants to piss of Voldemort and saying, “heyyyy big man, I’ve actually known that there’s a super baby that can kill you for like a year, and I didn’t tell you about it because I was scared, but don’t be mad” is not an A+ move. Seems like Voldemort might be kind of mad. Seems like he might even kill you. It seems unlikely to me that Snape would wait that long, but I guesssss it’s possible.

NO MATTER WHAT there are so many conflicts in this timeline. Everything conflicts with everything else, especially the timeline of the secret keeper which is wholly dependent on the other two fucked-up timelines we just discussed, so without further ado...

Problem 3:  The Secret Keeper

so WHY not just make Sirius the secret keeper? That’s the question of the century. If the secret keeper can only break the Fidelius charm voluntarily--meaning torturing or imperius-ing them can’t force it out--and Sirius, in his own words, “would have died rather than betray [James]” then WHY NOT JUST HAVE SIRIUS BE THE SECRET KEEPER AND  BE DONE WITH IT LADS 

Well here’s Pottermore’s (sigh) answer:

“The answer is that Sirius wanted to deflect attention from the real Secret-Keeper. He probably hoped Voldemort would go after him so he could steer attention away from Pettigrew. If all had gone to plan, Voldemort may never have known Sirius was not the Secret-Keeper – but even if he’d discovered the bluff, Voldemort’s pursuit of Sirius would have given the Potters and Pettigrew time to regroup.” 

Okay... so Sirius wanted to deflect attention from the real secret keeper... and have the Death Eaters come after him instead... but this still explains nothing because whether Sirius is or is not the secret keeper, the Death Eaters are coming after him regardless, and if he knows that he would rather die than betray James and Lily, why risk letting anyone else carry the secret? In other words, why did he trust Peter more than himself? 

The only answer I can think of is that something happened that made Sirius stop trusting himself. For some reason, he felt that the Death Eaters had something on him that might make him break. Sirius’ defining quality is his undying, self-sacrificial loyalty to the people he loves, so it’s a massive deal that he doubted his own ability to be loyal to James, Lily, and Harry. This goes entirely against his character, so something must have happened that was not mentioned in the books. Unless we change his entire character, there’s a HUGE missing piece here.

(I am keeping this a mainly wolfstar-free post because it’s just about the plotting of the books, but I think it’s interesting to explore how the Death Eaters could have threatened to torture/kill Remus to try to try to make Sirius break. That’s literally the only scenario I can imagine that would make Sirius doubt his ability to be loyal to the Potters--if he had to choose between killing James and killing Remus. Anyways. That’s really dark. Let’s move on.)

Problem 4: Peter

Okay so now we’re past the actual event of Peter’s betrayal and hopping ahead to after James and Lily died. 

Why did Peter remain a rat for 12 years?

Pros of Remaining a Rat:

the wizarding world can go on thinking you’re dead and thinking your best friend is guilty of 13 murders

the Death Eaters who think you wanted Voldemort to die at Godric’s Hollow also think you’re dead and aren’t going to be up in your business

someone feeds you

life is simple (if you ignore the many lives weighing on your conscience and the ultimate degradation of your soul)

Cons of Remaining a Rat:

you’re a rat

no one likes you

you have to watch out for mouse traps

you live in a house with Fred and George and probably fear for your life every waking moment

no seriously I think these are big cons

Other Options If You’ve Murdered Your Best Friends and Are a Rat:

go live with the muggles. seriously. there must be a muggle village somewhere without wizards (there aren’t that many wizards) where you can BE A HUMAN. Even if you do run into a wizard, they probably won’t immediately recognize you, and if they do, you can turn into a rat, run away, and go live with the millions of rats of the world

go to space?

no, I mostly just wanted to make that first point

It’s also possible he remained a rat because, as Sirius said, he was “keeping an ear out for news [...] Just in case [his] old protector regained strength, and it was safe to rejoin him.” This definitely is possible, but if I had to choose between maybe living a life as a human and living as a rat in case a guy who totally seems dead comes back, I’d try to be a human. Plus, Peter could live with muggles and still keep up with wizard news. 

Problem 5?: Sirius’ Escape

Admittedly, this problem isn’t that big. I still find it a bit weird though.

When Sirius recollects his escape to Harry he says:

If all Sirius had to do to escape Azkaban was to slip out the door when the dementors brought him food, why did he wait twelve years?? yes, okay, he was a universally wanted man and people would have immediately started hunting for him, but Sirius is fucking smart. Dude became an animagi (something only seven other people had done that century) when he was fif-fucking-teen and was considered to be a genius by almost everyone who knew him. Surely he could have hacked it on his own for awhile until he made it to Remus or Dumbledore** and was able to convince them that Peter had been the real secret keeper. And yeah! It may not have worked. In fact, even if Sirius did convince Remus it hadn’t been him, they’re still kind of fucked either way. Worst case scenario, though, Sirius just gets sent back to Azkaban. It’s not like they could have extended his already life-long sentence. I feel like you could argue the merits or disadvantages of running away from Azkaban until you’re blue in the face, but the bottom line is Sirius is a reckless, impulsive, chaotic human being who hates to be told what to do and hates to be made useless and has no qualms risking everything if it seems worth it. So why wasn’t even a brief glimmer of freedom worth it? The only reason I can think of is that Sirius was so destroyed by Peter’s betrayal and the Potters’ death that he didn’t really think it was worth living at all. 

ALSO, one last thing, why is it so fuckin’ easy to escape Azkaban? All you have to do is slip out the door and do some swimming? Someone should have done that years ago!

**okay admittedly Dumbledore probably didn’t care about exonerating Sirius and actually found it quite convenient that he was in Azkaban because it meant Harry had no adult looking out for him, but Sirius didn’t know that, and probably still thought Dumbledore cared somewhat for his wellbeing because they worked so closely in the Order (but this is totally conjecture idk)

anyways, point is: 

 HOW CAN YOU FAIL TO PLOT THE CORNERSTONE OF YOUR ENTIRE SERIES SO SPECTACULARLY?? THIS IS YOUR JOB. THIS IS YOUR LIVELIHOOD. 

If you have any thoughts, answers, or if you simply wish to scream in frustration with me, please add them on!

[uwua3]

hi! first off, congrats on the new blog!! i read that misumi piece and i really enjoyed it hehe,, if it's alright, may i request some domestic fluff with kazunari? mayb looking over old photo albums of each other from when they were kids and laughing and telling stories about what happened in the photos? thank you very much and i hope u have a nice day :D

hi!!! this made me so happy 🥺 thank you so much, i hope to keep this blog running for a long time! also, i saw your reblog of my jealousy hcs and i wanted to say thank you for your sweet comments!!! i go back to it whenever i need motivation, you inspire me to keep writing ♡ thank you! i hope to continue making you proud as a writer :D <3

summary: kazunari had to stop living in the past and make new memories outside of his yearbooks with you

author’s note: this is definitely a much happier piece than my others! this was refreshing to write and i treasure it dearly, it’s definitely much more on the humorous side! no angst today, folks!!! (ok just a little, but it’s barely noticeable!)

this is just a little look into a hoarder named kazunari and his sentimental, nostalgic personality ♡ i, myself, am a marie kondo supporter so i love decluttering! if you are a hoarder like kazunari, honestly go you! you keep those knick knacks that remind you of memories! do whatever makes you the happiest :D

word count: 2,151

music: make you mine – public, tongue tied – grouplove (this song is so Kazunari !!!)

nostalgia.

🌻🎨 miyoshi kazunari

it was that time of year again

kazunari hated spring cleaning with a passion. so what if his art supplies were all over the dorms? he knew where everything was! uh, mostly...

(if you ignore his daily panicked house searches which kept everyone up way too late if he couldn’t locate a very specific paint shade for a big project he definitely procrastinated)

so, it took, so much bribery to get kazunari to even consider cleaning out his entire dorm room

(muku was a very Good Boy and already had his side of the room perfectly dusted and organized)

yes, you had to promise to pose as a model for one of his paintings one day (hopefully, not the type of class you were thinking) (kazunari’s suggestive wink didn’t help)

the thing about kazunari was he was somewhat of a, putting it politely, hoarder

as an extremely sentimental person, it would take the whole mankai company to even force him to throw something away

(“no! it has a special meaning to me! i remember what happened when i got this~” kazunari would whine, holding the useless item between his hands with no intentions to ever look at it again)

so the boys employed you to be kazunari’s rational judgement when cleaning that day

(“please actually make him do something.” sakyo looked like he was on the border of begging; kazunari’s abundance of random knick knacks and shopaholic addiction problem was becoming an issue that affected everyone)

rule #1 of cleaning kazunari’s storage room: don’t open anything because kazunari will become very sentimental and nothing will get gone

so therefore, as a team, you two tackled the rather spotless room. the interior was minimal and modern, just like kazunari liked it with pops of color here and there

(he had one blank white wall and you realized it was the backdrop he used to film all his social media posts [dancing tik toks, fashion #ootds on instagram, daily vlogs on his growing youtube channel])

at first, you were confused where all his stuff went until you opened a closet against his terrible and unconvincing distractions

without time to react, you found yourself buried in tens of books you couldn’t even fathom how it all fit

(“i’ve played way too much tetris.” kazunari would admit later on when asked about his immaculate stacking)

“you’ve got to be kidding me!” you groaned, pushing your head above the surface of book covers that have either never been opened or were way too old to even be functionable

“i’m sorry~ please, forgive me!” kazunari pleaded, immediately pulling you out of his own mess and using all his cuteness to make you roll your eyes fondly at your best friend

you almost started ranting at him about the dangers of taking up too much closet space with useless items before you realized:

wait! stop! he’s trying to get you to forget about throwing these books out! you thought suddenly, crossing your arms as you stared at the pile, trying to figure out how to approach the situation

“you cannot distract me. we are going through this mound and you will be getting rid of something today.” you ordered, seeing his shoulders drop in defeat as he nodded solemnly, but accepting his fate without any arguments. thank god for that

you two bent down and organized all the books into categories. popular photography instruction guides, creative advice columns, and all his past art textbooks kazunari couldn’t sell were put into a seperate group because luckily, they were relevant to his art school

things like old newspapers with funny comics were recycled (you refused to let kazunari read them in fear of invoking some form of nostalgia) (also because he had the whackiest sense of humor ever and would die laughing)

it was going well, until you reached the thickest photo books of them all (you had almost forgotten what you and kazunari’s school mascot was)

but unsurprisingly, kazunari had every single yearbook from each year of his education all the way until his last year in high school piled high to his chest

even he looked somewhat shocked from his mass accumulation from his teen years

“ah! i’m so old now~ look at all this! what else can i do except die?!” kazunari dramatically flopped onto his bed, tired of lifting so much weight. hey! his arms weren’t meant for exercise, he was a painter!

lifting his head to see you were distracted from alphabetically sorting the first section lovingly dubbed, “art shit”, kazunari mischeviously grinned as he leaned down to snatch a random yearbook

flipping to a random page, kazunari smiled as he realized it was the first time he ever met you back in elementary

kazunari sang your name as he sat upwards, having a shit–eating look on his face as he started swinging his legs back and forth

oh no, he was up to something no good, you knew it but humored him anyways

“yes, kazu?” you turned your line of sight to the most horrible picture possible: you with the ugliest haircut in the entire world with kazunari’s black hair taking up the entire photo as you two sheepishly smiled for the camera. it was not a proud moment

okay, maybe it wasn’t that bad, you just couldn’t help but shriek at the sight of your hair

“oh my god! you can’t just jumpscare me like that!” you laughed despite yourself. you knew you had to be serious and focused on decluttering, but one look at your past made you remember all the good times before so–called “adulthood”

“look at your hair!” you cackled, reaching up to playfully yank at his mullet as he yelped and lightly smacked your hand away. rubbing the back of his neck, kazunari huffed childishly and pouted like he was back in his youth

“come on! this was the pinnacle moment i realized, i should not be a hair dresser.” kazunari commented, making you remember how you just let a random 8–year–old boy waddle up to you with safety scissors and advertise his salon business like a professional

(yes, you bought into it right away. your teacher had a heart attack when she saw you with a majority of your hair on the floor and kazunari keeping small talk like an actual hair stylist)

thinking back after the haircut incident, you weren’t allowed to chat with the funny class clown anymore as you were forced to wear a hat every day

(it was either that or go completely bald to fix the job kazunari did to your head)

it wasn’t until you received a very creative and colorful apology letter with tons of sad faces drawn with waxy crayons that you snuck out to play with him on the swings in recess

“i can’t believe we became friends because i wanted free hair cuts for the rest of my life.” you added, staring at the picture with a sense of nostalgia. you kinda got where kazunari was coming from, memories were fun to look at every once and a while

at least, eleven years worth of memories after being inseperable from that moment forward

(maybe, you should’ve held onto it, you thought, not knowing that would be the first of many art pieces you would be gifted by him)

kazunari knew he won. excited, he dropped down to lay on his stomach as you leaned against the bed, watching as he thumbed through the pages with ease, leaning his head on yours comfortably

it was rare to find kazunari quiet, he must’ve been like this all the time when going through his stuff, you thought, at peace for once

lazily smiling, kazunari put his finger against your yearbook pictures as he reminisced on the past. something about everyone ever in your grade, how kazunari knew everyone and had a special memory with each person, no matter how big or small

“—and here, the teacher somehow caught a pic of us swinging wayyy too high for kids our age!” kazunari laughed, breaking your train of thought as you snickered at the absolute joy radiating from both your faces as you two competed to see who could reach the clouds

(kazu won. you fell off right after and had to get picked up from your parents after badly scraping your knee. it took another sorry letter and art of you two holding hands with a heart for your parents to forgive kazunari)

“let’s go back.” you interrupted him, making him sit up confused as you swung your keys out from your back pocket. it didn’t take any convincing for kazunari to nod right away and took the elementary yearbook into his arm

you two only had to exchange a secret look before formulating a plan to sneak out, leaving music on from kazunari’s speakers to act like kazunari was still cleaning

you two giggled amongst yourselves before clambering into your car, speeding off and laughing loudly from your successful getaway. the manager was none the wiser!

during the short car ride, you and kazunari played your favorite mixtape of all time

(“you kept this?!” kazunari yelled, giddily bouncing up and down from excitement when he discovered the mixtape stash)

he slipped the disc in as you two yelled along to childhood favorites with the windows rolled down, letting the entire neighborhood know the best duo were back in town

(seriously, there were so many you stashed away in your glove department. all labeled in sharpie with compelling titles connected to the inside jokes only you two found funny)

arriving at the destination, you two exited the vehicle to see the play pen was abandoned as the teaching staff went home for the day

the sun was setting and it felt like the playground was in another rift of time as you approached it, hearing the weak movement of the swings going back and forth on their own. you sat down, holding onto the chains. you hadn’t been back ever since you graduated. it hadn’t changed at all

kazunari opened the elementary yearbook back to the original page, pulling out his tripod and phone he always had on hand in his backpack as he set it up right across the swing set

“what are you doing?” you inquired, tilting your head as he fumbled around pressing different buttons and filters too complex for you to remember

looking up, kazunari grinned as he set a timer for 10 seconds before sprinting back to the swing next to you

“swing contest right now! i bet i could swing higher than you ever could!” kazunari challenged childishly, quickly kicking his legs for the momentum. you narrowed your eyes, refusing to lose as you two laughed over the sound of his phone taking a burst of photos

you realized what he was doing. he was re–creating your memories together

but you turned to look at him and your heart skipped a beat. you never remembered him looking this, different, in the purple lighting. for a flashing moment, you swore you saw the silhoutte of his black–haired, child self sit next to you before you blinked and saw him. kazunari was the same, just older now

you slowed down your swing by dragging your sneakers against the wood chipped ground. you grabbed both the swings’ chains to hold them together

you didn’t want to live in the past anymore. you wanted to grow up with him, too

“what—” kazunari started, matching your pace before being cut off by your lips against his, the phone going off for one last time

you pulled yourself in close enough just to smile. he smelled the exact same as he did when he discovered cologne for the first time. he never changed

you pulled away first even if he tried leaning forward for more, like he was waiting all these years just for that one moment. like he saw you in the same light, too

“i wanted to do that for years.” you confessed, watching as he took your hand carefully, like he was afraid you were going to leave. for once, he didn’t know what to do, which face to show

“me too...” kazunari agreed, seemingly speechless before straightening his back, like he was about to run away. the hair on your neck stood up, what was he about to do?

“i promise i won’t cut your hair anymore, unless?” kazunari winked dramatically, mimicking the shape of scissors with his fingers as he tried snipping at your hair

he laughed as you shoved him with all your might, hopping off the swing to chase him throughout the school parking lot

now this was a memory kazunari would never throw away, no matter what

(no one thought the two of you escaped until kazunari posted the pics on his instagram, both of you getting a scolding from sakyo this time)

(busted!)

[witchcraftingboop]

Further Insight on Briar's Recent Discourse & Prim's Apparent Grooming of Younger, Newer Witches

It was suggested to me that instead of making one long post (which I was genuinely sorry for creating in the moment as well), that I should offer the second half in a separate one so that it is easier to share and harder to simply ignore as a wall of text.

Here is the link to the first half of the current JBird and Briar discourse floating around. I highly encourage everyone involved in the Witchblr community to review both posts and not just this final addition. 

Regarding Prim stirring the pot, I actually do have proof of that on my page somewhere if you wouldn't mind my sending it to you? The person I reblogged it from, Mahi, also received death threats from Prim when they were only 16 and Prim was 20 (I can't ask him to share that though because Prim has since used her following to drive him off of Tumblr and he's still fairly [and justifiably] sensitive about it.)

Regarding Briar's statements more specifically though, I can see where the confusion is coming from. After the "in France" part, she's just defining a relevant term (hence the use of "irrelevant details) and then giving an explanation of how she came to be so knowledgeable about that term/concept. I wouldn't say she's calling Prim's activism an "irrelevant detail," but pointing out how Prim uses it as a shield against backlash whenever another blog (not just tradcrafters) calls out her platform. I don't expect you to fully understand or see what I mean when I say that, of course. Because you are still new, and these are habits I've observed of hers from nearly a year of following their interactions. I would, however, like to point out that Briar doesn't say anything racist about Prim and does not once bring up her race. In fact, I think if you read her entire post and not just point 3 as Prim has it cropped out in all of her mentions of it, you would see more fully the depth and amount of frustration Briar is trying to express. Similarly, Briar never threatened to dox Prim. She has, in fact, repeatedly tried to point out that Prim should be protecting her online information and be more aware of how to stop others from finding out about her private life/situation. These statements, however, have since been warped by Prim and her followers to come off as a threat on her life. Briar's statements above aren't a threat of doxxing. She's never once posted Prim's personal information or told others to find it or use it in any way. She has, however, searched for Taglocks on Prim, something witches especially are known to look for. In that search she found more than she was even looking for, despite trying to tell Prim repeatedly to stop being so open online with the information she posts about herself. Doxxing though is not racist. It is something used by them, sure, but it is not inherently racist.

Additionally, Prim has raised money, sure, but I still have not seen any actual receipts as to her *actually* donating it to any public or private organizations. This, for me, is highly suspect. In reality, we still have no idea where that money is. Whereas with Briar, she took no money in for a couple days on her readings and instead merely asked that those requesting a reading first submit proof of donation to an organization linked in the post. She raised substantial money for the BLM movement, but no one seems to want to bring that up in all of their "she's a racist" discourse. Also, the observation that someone is misleading or gaslighting their following is not racist. Just because she said Prim was recently using her BLM reblogs & promotions to do it *this time* still does not make it racist. Questionable wording is just something the reader disagrees with, in my opinion, and should be addressed as such.

I'm not going to lie, I do feel a little frustrated at this point. I was really hoping to come to you and see that you had concrete proof to offer that Briar is a racist. I do understand that you have your own reasons for feeding into the assumptions and twisted outlooks already taken on Briar's words, but I don't have enough energy in me to fully swallow my tongue on this one. I really do hope that you at least consider what I've said here. I'm not sure what I can say at this point because all of the information I've read from you thus far has been purely conjecture or assumptions or just "not feeling right" about the wordings on a single post. A racist, from my perspective, is not something I would ever feel comfortable calling someone off of this lack of evidence.

I understand it is hard to separate preconceived notions from your mind when reading through the words of others, but I really do miss when you were more open to the words of others. If I could ask one thing of you, it'd be to please try to read Briar's post again but from the perspective of seeing it how it was meant to be: a witch who has been on the butt end of Prim's harassment for going on three years now. She is tired of the wild accusations and constantly having to defend herself, and even when she supplied her proof a couple years ago, no one wanted to hear her. She has, largely, given up on being heard, and now screams into what feels like a void when attacked.

Proof of Prim stirring the pot that I offered: An example of Prim actively seeking out the community and trying to stir the pot with an already dealt with situation that had passed over a year ago.

A direct source that I offered as further proof of what has occurred already: This is one from the account mentioned before who was directly involved with the previous discord server where the Trio incident took place a couple years back.

[A Reply.] I think, to be fair, I saw your comments on her previous posts through your main, and with how much aggression you packed into those messages, I don't necessarily blame her for deciding not to engage with your private messages. As I've said, she's very used to people attacking her like that, and in her mind, unfortunately, you've probably been added to the list of aggressive people ready to fling the blame at her rather than look at the situation as a whole. I do apologize for the way her post may have made you feel, but I think it's also important to remember the potentially aggressive things you left on her page (I'm not saying you meant to come off that way, but even I couldn't help but read that way). Also, regarding the ask, it's no small secret that the occultists of the tradcraft group are skilled and well-versed in hexes and curses. When reading her posts about how she may respond to further antagonism on Prim's part, I see a fully realized occultist wielding their most well kept and trained weapon: baneful magic. I'm sure Prim herself also understands that the "threat on her life" she's saying she's so afraid of, isn't a physical threat, but a metaphysical one. She has repeatedly and continually tried to drag these people through the mud, and now that they're refusing to just sit back and be canceled, she's afraid. She knows how strong their magic is, and they aren't shy about it 🤷‍♀️

[A Reply.] No, I completely understand where you're coming from. I, personally, have seen your willingness to talk things through, despite how aggressive you can come off at times in the things you say, so I think that's why I was genuinely so surprised to see your comments on some of her posts. But I do think her response and refusal to further directly engage with you is warranted and her right. Unfortunately, it is hard to tell who is genuinely open to talking and who is just trying to bait and add to the problem. And with how aggressive your comments were, 8 honestly think she most likely was responding from a place of "oh look another young Prim follower here to bait and berate me." I don't think she looks down on you for your age, but her views are likely a reflection of the fact that a lot of 18yos follow Prim and have openly harassed her without even asking for her input on the matter.

At this point, I would like to talk about the second half of the title of this particular post. Grooming. This is a very serious allegation against Prim that I have not spoken on previously because I had no proof that it was happening. With this person's permission, I would like to share how exactly they wound up fighting Prim's battles for her.

I will note: I am highly disgusted by what follows.

[A Reply.] Oh no! You cannot fault yourself for this! Prim is a known manipulator, and the fact that she was able to make you somehow think this is part of your being "gullible and naive" is just testament to the fact that she's gotten wayyy too good at what she does. This is in no way your fault or because of some fault within you. Practiced manipulators are cunning and dangerous even to the best of us. It was unfortunate that she chose you, but her twisting you around is in no way a bad reflection on you as a person!

I've chosen to include my reply to this person rather than our continued discussion because of how personal and involved our conversation turned. I've included it to show, as well, that grooming others to fight your battles is (though this should go without saying) NEVER OKAY. Prim has shown her true colors, in my opinion, and while I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt time and time again, I simply cannot permit myself to ignore the harm and damage she's inflicted on not only the tradcraft community, but also this innocent group of friends. A group who that has hitherto dedicated their time to sussing out predators, terfs, nazis, and racists. A group that should never have had to deal with being gaslit and manipulated by a well-known and respected blogger on this platform.

I cannot reiterate enough how sorry and deeply shocked I am at the information this person has brought to my attention. I am still stunned by Prim's activities and unable to fathom how many other potential individuals are out there being groomed to support and fight for her cause. I am sorry to the Witchblr community as a whole. I feel as if I have sat by and watched as Witchblr has been manipulated and am therefore complacent in the damage and needless hurt that has been allowed to spread throughout our community. I am just so very, very sorry.

I will be taking a couple days off of Tumblr because of this, as I feel as if I need space and time to think, but my inbox is always open and I am always available to speak with others on my return.

[ceciliavonwrites]

Clownmom and Sonboy

"Sweetie?" Harley Quinn lifted one of her ratty couch's throw pillows. It was too small to hide anyone under, but she had to be sure. She'd only gotten home a few minutes ago. "Where are you?"

She got down on her knees to check under the couch. She was pretty sure that he hadn't gone out; the front door was still locked when she got home.

That, and she knew by now how he functioned. Shadow had a lot of trouble expressing emotion. He internalized things. Multiple times he had chosen to hide and nurse his own pain alone (sometimes literally, with his headaches) rather than let her know that he was struggling.

In theory, with time and with patience, he would emerge on his own. Harley, very worried and tearing apart her living room, was not currently capable of patience.

Now she marched into her bedroom, leaving the living room behind her in more disarray than it had started with. Her room was equally messy, even though half of her things were still in boxes. "Darn it, where is he?" She said to no one in particular. "He'd been doing so well lately, too..."

She heard a noise. Harley stopped, managing not to make any sound for a moment. She glanced around the room, trying to figure out where it came from.

There it was again. A soft shuffling, from under the middle of her bed.

She dropped to the floor, so low that her cheek squished against the carpet.

There he was. A little black and red ball between some of her boxes of stuff, curled up so tight she couldn't see anything but the big red stripe on his head and his ears. He was so small and his little ears were drooping and sad.... She wanted to dive in, drag him out, and hug the shit out of him.

Okay, probably shouldn't do that. She took a deep breath. Stay calm, Harleen. Don't come on too strong. Use that big smart talky psychiatrist brain you have.

"Sweetie?" She said gently. "I can see you. What's wrong?"

He didn't move. Harley waited, as hard as that was.

Then slowly the stripe moved backwards, and Shadow's eyes came into view. The whites of his eyes glowed just slightly, making them very visible in the darkness underneath. In her opinion, he was trying too hard to keep whatever he was feeling from showing on his face.

"Nothing," he said quietly.

"Nothin'? Well...okay." Arguing just made him defensive. "Come on out from under the bed, though? It's almost dinner time. Help me make mac n' cheese."

Shadow glanced down, thinking. He did like macaroni and cheese. "Hm." He uncurled some more, pushing out his limbs and jostling the boxes next to him; it was an awkward motion in such a small space. "Alright."

Harley lifted her head off the floor and scooched back to give him room. It took Shadow some ungraceful army-crawling and squirming to get his head to pop out from under the bed. She offered him a hand to stand up and he ignored it, getting up on his own.

"I'll get the pot and the water," Harley said, "if you set the table."

Shadow nodded, and trailed after her into the kitchen.

So Harley got the mac n cheese box and the pot and the water in the pot. Shadow helped, obeying whenever she asked for something without any enthusiasm. Not that he was normally enthusiastic about chores, but the lack thereof was usually active, scowling, you-can't-make-me rebellion.

Shadow trudged across the kitchen to her side. He handed her a requested big spoon without so much as looking up.

"Thanks, sweetie." With the un-spooned hand, Harley ruffled the bristly fur on his head.

He let her do it in silence.

She lifted her hand and uneasily returned to the stove. He usually hates that.

Oh, she really REALLY wanted to just smother him in cuddles and make him stop being so gloomy and quiet, but that wouldn't actually help. She would know, she's tried. Gotta be patient. He has to initiate the conversation.

She sprinkled some salt into the water to make it boil faster. "So. It's gonna take a bit for the water to boil." Just a little. A pinch. A teaspoon. Half the shaker.

Shadow hadn't moved away, and didn't now. His quills brushed against her leg. "I can't see it from down here," he said.

"Well...no?" What did that mean? Did he want to be picked up? She LOVED holding him. He, less so. "You want up?"

Shadow, staring at the floor, bobbed his head in a tiny nod. Her psychiatrist brain and her holding-cute-things brain, for once, were in perfect agreement. He's seeking comfort. It's good that he feels secure enough to do that.

Harley knelt, and scooped him up, supporting him under his legs with one arm, like she would a baby. Shadow cooperated, leaning against her with his head over one of her shoulders.

She stood up, bouncing him once to adjust him. He still couldn't see the pot, but she suspected that wasn't really the point.

Okay. She's gotten him here. Harley decided to chance it. "How're you doin'?"

It was a moment before Shadow tried to answer. "I'm..." He paused. "I don't know."

She pat him on the back. "That's okay." It was a step. Getting away from complete denial of his negative feelings, which was good.

Still, it means more waiting. That wasn't too out of the ordinary for him.

She passed the time walking around the kitchen and straightening up some of the ever-present mess on the counter, occasionally adjusting Shadow on her arm. It wasn't too long; the water boiled shockingly fast for a crappy apartment stove (the small mound of salt at the bottom of the pot might've helped).

Harley hummed while stirring the boiling noodles. It wasn't any tune in particular. She just didn't like the quiet.

Shadow took a breath. "Doctor...I remembered more about that girl." He said quietly. "Maria."

Oh. That kid he saw get shot. She held him a little tighter. "Yeah?"

"She was... We were friends." He paused. "Last night I received a memory of her and I reading together. This morning I saw us playing hide and seek."

Harley thought about this for a moment. He hadn't had any idea who she was, just that her name was Maria and she had been shot. Unfortunate, and probably disturbing (Harley herself was blasé about violence at this point), but nothing personal. Now that was changing.

"How does that make you feel?" she asked.

"It hurts. She felt...important." He sounded like he was having trouble talking. "They were...happy memories. I should be happy. I don't...know why I..."

He trailed off, and didn't finish the sentence.

Harley set down the stirring spoon on the counter, and pat him on his prickly back. "I think you're sad because now you know she was your friend." She said. "Like, you're discovering that you and her both had some good times together. But you're also aware that she died sometime after that. So it's like now you know that you've lost something, you know?"

Shadow's voice broke. "Oh."

He buried his face into her shoulder. Harley abandoned the spoon and wrapped her arms around him.

The only sounds in the kitchen were the bubbling of the boiling water, and Shadow's quiet, muffled attempts not to cry.

Harley teared up. Broke her heart, every time. "It's okay, hun," she said, gently rocking him back and forth. "Cryin' helps. Honest it does." She turned in place; if she couldn't do anything else she at least wanted to be moving. "Balances your brain chemistry and stuff. It's healthy."

He made a noise into her shoulder. "Mnh..."

Harley stopped turning in place, her back to the stove. "I know, it's not fun. I know. I'm sorry. But I'm proud of you!" Harley snuggled him. "You're doing it. Meeting your memories and your feelings head-on. Doing the not-fun thing."

She could hear and feel him breathe in, the lungs in his little body pushing out against her embrace.

"...I miss her." His voice was almost steady. He paused before speaking again. "It shouldn't hurt this much."

It's working! He's talking! Harley contained her excitement, and asked, "Why do you say that?"

"I should be stronger."

"Strong?" Harley played dumb for a moment. "You can lift a bus over your head. You're plenty strong."

"Not...that."

She waited for him to elaborate. It took a few minutes for him to speak again.

"I hate that new memories can...do this to me." He said slowly. "Knock me down."

"Yeah?"

"I am the ultimate lifeform." He spoke ruefully. "And I end up hurt by something as intangible as my own memories."

Oof, the implications there. If that was a big part of his thinking... "Well, heck, anybody would be rattled by a vision of somebody dyin' popping into their heads. An' if they aren't," she added, "all they are is wayyy too used to seein' people die. That's not a strength, that just means they're fucked up. They're prolly the ones causing all that death in the first place."

She had drifted to an unpleasant subject. Harley hurriedly corrected herself. "Er, but, that ain't the point, that ain't the point. You're not like that. Make sense?"

"You are trying to say that I am not..." Shadow paused, and tentatively shaped his mouth around the unfamiliar phrase. "'Fucked up'."

"Yeah!" His formal little voice saying swears would be funny if they weren't having a serious feelings discussion right now. Actually, no, it was still funny. "Could be a lot worse. You're capable of feeling! That's more than a lotta crooks in this city can claim."

"Hm."

"And, you know, I cry all the time," Harley said matter-of-factly. "Just 'cause stuff happens and I'm emotional. Maybe I do cry more than other people. I don't really care! It helps me be peppy the rest of the time. It ain't me being weak, it's just...you know, feeling."

She softened her voice. "You're doing great, honey."

He was still and quiet for a moment. His breathing wasn't hitching anymore.

Then Shadow leaned back, pulling himself away from her shoulder. Harley adjusted her arms to keep holding him up, smiling at him. He looked tired, but calm, his eyes dry.

"...Thank you."

"No problem, sweetie." Aw, she'd probably have to stop holding him now. "Eh...do ya want down?"

He glanced aside, thinking.

Then he nestled back into her, re-resting his head on her shoulder. "In a moment."

Harley could have cried again, she was so fucking happy. Her baby trusted her enough to talk to her! And to hold him! She was bouncing. She loved him so much!!

Shadow choked. "Y-You're crushing me...!"

"Sorry!" She hastily loosened her grip. "Sorry, sorry...are you okay?"

"Y...Yes."

He caught his breath.

"Doctor?"

Shadow sounded like himself again. Phew. Harley felt a lot better. Everything was okay now. "Yeah, hun?"

"The noodles are drying out."

"What?" Shit, that's right, she had been making mac n cheese! "OH, FUCK!"

[veshialles]

Don't know if I mentioned it before, but this weekend (24th-28th) is the Comic Expo, and I've been volunteering for the first time ever! It's gonna be a long post because I'm so twired right now after getting home and eating dinner and all that (tired+wired=twired)

So for the first day, yesterday was... not great? I was super nervous about my first day, and with all the personal stuff I have going on (Dad's cancer diagnosis, my own worsening mental health, et cetera), I ended up having two panic attacks. First thing, they needed us to mark up some lines on the floor with tape. And I thought "Hey yeah! I can definitely do that!" you know, as if I were an able-bodied 20 year old man, instead of a dyspraxic mess with back and knee problems. So I quickly got frustrated and flustered when my tape lines were inevitably not straight or when the tape would get twisted around or un-stick itself from the floor. Which turned into my anxiety response of "everyone is watching you fail at a simple task", which when combined with the other stressful shit, made a nice little segue leading to Panic Attack #1.

Later in the day, they needed some "extra hands" for an event at the opposite end of the building. It was a concert, with Lynda Carter singing. Now, this concert basically had fuck-all to do with the actual Expo, which technically hadn't really started up yet, and it really should not have been our responsibility in my opinion. But, Lynda was the original Wonder Woman, and also does some voice acting (Fallout 4, and some Elder Scrolls?), so I guess they just sort of... tacked it onto the schedule?? So, we all haul ass to get to that side of the complex and then wait to be told what to do. And then we get split up into groups, separating me from the people who thought were gonna be my "team" for the day. And then we waited, again, after being given vague instructions on what to do when the audience arrives, which basically boiled down to "just go to this line" and by this point I am slightly tired from the long day and the esrlier panic attack, so I can't really do anything to help properly. I'd been standing all day, and even with the comfiest shoes I own plus good insoles, wow it was painful.

So finally, I'm almost in tears when the audience starts heading in. I'm in pain, I don't really have a good idea of what's going on, my expectations have been thrown out the window, I'm feeling unhelpful/not really needed so cue the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Panic Attack 2: Electric Boogaloo. Plus anger!

So I marched back down to the area I was actually assigned to, hoping to find one of the team leaders or something. I found someone, they took me aside to let me cool off, and then I told one of them what was going on, and after talking to one of them, they told me that I could go home if I needed to because it wasn't a very busy day and they had everything covered. Which was actually really reassuring to hear after such a shitty day. I might have cried??

BUT TODAY WAS INFINITELY BETTER!! I got there wayyy too early again, but on the plus side I got to make a good second first impression with the other people who were also a little bit too early. They put me on a cash register for my morning/post-noon shift, and it was a little bit stressful because I am not great with numbers due to my disability (a very rude lady pointed it out but I refuse to let her ruin my good day dammit!) and only like 5 credit cards actually worked with the swiping machine, and I'm pretty sure that I kept doing the steps in the wrong order, but overall it wasn't too bad actually. At least I got a chair and had some company with that, so I could ask for a hand if needed lol

Then, after a lunch break, I got put in the printers booth (again, with help thankfully!). Which was exhausting, made me feel just slightly jealous about not having the time or money to get some Photo Ops taken this year, and also kind of stressful but in a good way? Like idk, I kind of got some second-hand joy at watching the people's faces light up when they received their photos, especially the little kids who got super excited about it! So it was worth running back and forth between anywhere from 5-15 printers, depending on how many of the photo booths were running, for that reason!

Oh also, I might have made some friends??? I'm still not 100% sure about what some of their names are yet though, but everyone I've met and worked with so far is actually super friendly and supportive, especially the people who have been volunteering at these types of events for several years. The other volunteers are all nerds, a lot of them are LGBTQ+, probably just as many are just a little awkward and nervous, so like? We're pretty much all just a bunch of Anxious Gay Nerds™ who like being helpful, so we've got each other's backs on-duty, and there's plenty of stuff to talk about when we're off-duty. It's great!! I am living for it honestly 😄

Gods, I'm so sore and tired right now but I just needed to ramble about it before I fall into a brief coma here. I'm excited for tomorrow, even though the Saturday is always the most busy day of the convention! But like, idk I'm really fired up about it! I'm definitely going to volunteer next year if I can!!!

So yeah, great day 😊

[itsjamesstan]

without sight | three

bucky barnes x reader

summary; sometimes we go through life seeing but still completely blind. when a young woman relapses, she turns to the only person she knows she can trust, what she didn’t expect was the soldier who she’d run into and change things for her like she’d never expect.

warnings; none

a/n; there’s a name in place of reader for a reason, it’ll all soon reveal itself also thank you for all the support people have given me so far i am in awe! actual reader bucky action in here wow took wayyy too long hah! i hope you enjoy! feedback is always very much appreciated, so it you could let me know what you think i would be more than thankful!

series masterlist

After her sparring session with Natasha, Sam had insisted that since she had spent time with Nat, she had to spend time with her. Lilah was completely fatigued. She had long forgotten just how painful and strenuous her gift was. It hadn’t happened in so long that she was devastated that it had cut into her happiness. She’d taken a long shower, allowing the hot water to soothe any stiff muscles before getting dressed in the clothes Nat had offered her and wandering out of the living quarters Tony had told her were hers before she left - she didn’t remember them at all.

Strolling down to the common room, she let her fingers trail against the wall, the other clutching at a book she had found in her room. Humming softly to herself to keep her plagued mind preoccupied. One thing she was well aware of was that most of the time, she could barely make sense of an event of the past. She was certain that’s what she had been seeing since early that morning.

The common was quiet when she entered but the dimmed lights coming from the balcony told her that she was not alone. Choosing to ignore it all, she quickly wandered to the kitchen making herself a cup of chamomile tea, let it brew as she scoured the cupboards for the one snack she wanted to eat, her eyes landing on the bar of dark chocolate. Scanning to see whether or not it was claimed and seeing that it was not, she grabbed the bar and took it along with her tea to the lounge. 

The sliding of the balcony door escaped her as she immersed herself in the world of the characters she was reading about. It wasn’t until a gasp rang in her ears, that her head shot up and turned towards the sound. Spotting the brunet stranger she had seen with Steve earlier that day she sent him a smile, one of which he weakly reciprocated,

“I didn’t mean to scare you, I thought everyone had gone to bed,” Bucky murmured, shuffling ever so slightly on his feet his gaze trailing away from her momentarily before floating back in time to see her give a nod of dismissal,

“No it’s alright, I was too deep into my book,” She responded softly, raising her hand that was still holding onto the book, “What keeps you up?” 

“I guess I just need the space every now and again,” He answered, surprising himself with his honesty but nonetheless, his time away to heal had truly changed him, 

“I know exactly how you feel,” She uttered softly, looking back down at her book, “I love them all but space is always nice. Come, sit, I know the others but I don’t know you.” She spoke gently but firmly. Bucky was taken aback by her assured statement but nonetheless found himself moving towards her, taking a seat opposite her. Watching him with half-lidded eyes, she leaned forward to place her book on the coffee table before pulling her legs up onto the couch to cross over one another, “Tell me about you--”

“Oh, um it’s Bucky. There’s not much to tell really,” He muttered, suddenly feeling uncomfortable with all the attention that was put on him, “I...I-”

“You don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to.”

“Thank you,” He gave her a grateful look before leaning back into the cushions, “Why don’t you tell me about you, ever since you arrived this morning everyone’s been raving about you.”

“It was a while ago since I met them, I’ve known Ton the whole of my life - more or less.” She started, heaving out a sigh letting her shoulders slump as she thought back to having said goodbye, 

“The others I met when I started working with them. I don’t remember much but I got hurt and I left.” She shrugged giving him a tired smile. The two looked at one another in silence both wanting to speak more but nonetheless staying silent until Lilah spoke up once again,

“If you can’t sleep a cup of tea and a snack always help me. Come,” She offered, rising and holding her hand out to him. She didn’t miss the scepticism in his eyes as he eyed the hand she held out to him but she wasn’t one to give up easily. Staying silent in her position, she simply chose to wait for him to move either declining the hand given to her or taking it. Lifting his own hand, he let it drift to the space between the two of them before pulling it back towards him every so slightly, hesitating as he looked at his own hand intently before moving it and letting it sit in the palm of her own as he rose himself. His action earned him a smile from the girl as she turned and guided him towards the kitchen.

my laptop was being silly and doing some weird updating thing yesterday so i wasn’t able to get this up but i hope you like it. check out the rest if you’re joining us here.

there’s a lot more bucky x reader stuff coming and we’ll find out why reader is lilah real soon.

thank you for the support,

kisses kal x

tags: @mcuimxgine | (i’m tagging some of my favourite writers as a request for some feedback on the series so far if they ever have the time to give me some. ANYONE else can also give some because your girl needs to get better at writing.) 

@jaamesbbarnes / @sgtjbuccky / @captainrogerss / @bucky-plums-barnes / @sovietghoststories / @buckyywiththegoodhair 

[senkrechter]

you dont have to answer this but i think i may have bpd, npd, and szpd. but im really unsure, is it even possible to have the 3 together??

like, i want to spend time with people, i have friends, i like the IDEA of spending time with people, but as soon as i call someone im just... bored? if i feel anything it goes away in a flash, and the feeling is usually pretty strong, especially when it's closer to the time where my meds start wearing off. i hate spending time with people irl because it adds an extra layer of exhaustion since i have to express my emotion on my face more. i wanna be well-known because then i could get loads of attention and admiration for my art but i absolutely don't want it either because i value my privacy wayyy too much. and like, i'm (almost) always on call with my partner and i really miss them when they're away and i constantly fear abandonment from them but they're the only person who really makes me feel that to an extreme? and when i'm alone i want to be with other people but when i'm with other people all i want is to be alone. idk that's not everything but this is getting long enough ahah. my mind is simply always at odds with itself and it frustrates me not to know why it's happening. i'm not diagnosed with any of these but i am diagnosed with adhd? but i've done as much research as i can on bpd, npd, and szpd.

sorry for troubling you, you don't have to answer this if you don't want. have a good day!

I don’t mind answering asks at all, you are not troubling me in the slightest, sorry it took me about three days to reply to this, I haven’t had the energy to log in the tumblr in a while. I will be honest with you and outright say that I don’t know enough about BPD or NPD enough to tell you whether you can have both at the same time, or whether you have them at all. And of course I can’t accurate say whether you have SZPD either, since the only thing I know about you is just a paragraph. I don’t know all of the things you feel, and I am not a professional, so just take these as my personal opinion and thoughts based on just the things you’ve told me here. Not gospel or fact! From my point of view, the things you describe aren’t very related to SZPD. Just as any personality disorder is, SZPD is severe, with a variety of symptoms, and I’d say the feeling of wanting to be around people, but then feeling tired when you are, wanting to be popular but not wanting to sacrifice your privacy etc. are very common introverted traits, rather than a relation to a specific personality disorder. Not to say these traits don’t make things hard for you at times, but you must be careful before assigning an entire personality disorder to them, since there’s so much more to SZPD than just these things. I am not the best at talking about my experiences, and feelings, so I will try to be more pragmatic and talk about the professional diagnostic criteria for SZPD more than that. Both the DSM-5 and ICD-10 share these criteria: 1. Taking little if any pleasure from activities. 2. Always, or almost always choosing and prefering solitary activities. 3. Indifference to criticisms or praise. 4. Little if any interest in sexual activity. 5. Emotional coldness, and detachment. The slight differences in the criteria are, ICD-10 has a couple extra, being, 1. Limited capacity in expressing emotions and feelings towards people, even anger. 2. Excessive fantasizing, and introspection. 3. This one similar to one of the DSM-5 criteria, except it includes not desiring, as well as not having close and personal relationships, or having just only one. (These are mostly out of memory, so if I forgot something or left it out, I’ll edit it if it comes to my head, or otherwise if someone sees this they can reblog with any correction.) Using only my common sense, to me it would not make a lot of sense for someone to have two cluster B PDs, known primarily (generalizing of course for ease of wording) for emotional volatility, common sensitivity to rejection and criticism, and among other things, as well as a cluster A PD that is commonly emotionally stagnant and apathetic most of the time. But then again, I am not a professional. Only real advice I can give you is to not overthink these things! Focus on the things you are feeling, the things you are thinking, try to recognize patterns in your behavior and do your best at figuring out how to handle the things that cause you the most grief. I know it may feel relieving to be able to assign a term or a label or a diagnosis to the things you feel and struggle with, but in this case, I personally don’t think SZPD is the right one.

[admirablemushroom]

chat with a stranger

[7:43 PM] ttd29: Tell me more about him [7:43 PM] ttd29: What is it that you like so much about this guy who doesnt respond to your needs? [7:43 PM] Theodore: ok so we met by playing dota2 together [7:44 PM] Theodore: he was a very nice guy who didn't scold me for feeding the enemies [7:44 PM] ttd29: Ok great start

[7:44 PM] Theodore: so for some reason i asked him his fb and we started to become friends [7:45 PM] Theodore: at the time i was dating a girl [7:45 PM] Theodore: i sent a few memes to him [7:45 PM] Theodore: u know, from r/suddenlygay, etc [7:46 PM] ttd29: Wait you’re bi? [7:46 PM] Theodore: you can say so... [7:46 PM] ttd29: Lol interesting [7:46 PM] ttd29: Anyway go on [7:47 PM] Theodore: i usually go by being gay in order to avoid surprise moments like this [7:47 PM] Theodore: anyway [7:47 PM] Theodore: we got closer and closer [7:48 PM] Theodore: i even asked him how to kiss a girl before i got that girl [7:48 PM] Theodore: then one day he was comfortable enof to admit that he's bi [7:49 PM] Theodore: and i eventually dumped my ex-gf bc i was an asshole [7:50 PM] Theodore: in my defense i felt tired to fake my masculinity [7:50 PM] ttd29: No need to defend yourself [7:50 PM] ttd29: At least you didnt cheat [7:50 PM] Theodore: then a few days later i met him in a coffee shop [7:50 PM] Theodore: that was our first meeting [7:51 PM] Theodore: and we started hanging out more often [7:51 PM] Theodore: after 2 meetings, we became boyfriends [7:53 PM] Theodore: ok after this point there was no major event [7:53 PM] Theodore: he also gave me a book 'call me by ur name' [7:53 PM] ttd29: How long did you guys date? [7:54 PM] Theodore: in the book, he signed "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" [7:54 PM] Theodore: the book has been given away to one of my friends [7:55 PM] Theodore: i can go on about how disgusting that book is but maybe another time [7:55 PM] Theodore: (not his fault, Andre aciman's fault) [7:55 PM] Theodore: then i took a 6-month exchange study [7:55 PM] Theodore: so we maintained our communication online [7:56 PM] Theodore: after getting back to vn, we went out together again [7:56 PM] Theodore: then we had arguments about this and that, i remember i was a pretty rude guy and i raised my tone a lot of times.... [7:57 PM] Theodore: must've been tiring for him to go thru all that [7:58 PM] Theodore: at the peak of the conflict, one day we were arguing about something i dont remember but pretty sure i started first [7:58 PM] Theodore: he left in the middle of the convo to play video games [7:58 PM] Theodore: which i was very angry and sad [7:59 PM] Theodore: but he also quit the match to talk to me [7:59 PM] Theodore: and u know, i was not a considerate person, i usually started a fight and made a fuss about anything [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when im stressed, i write a lot [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when i write a lot, whoever read it gets stressed too [8:01 PM] Theodore: ok i see u went offline lol, prolly u got stressed too [8:02 PM] ttd29: Lol relax [8:03 PM] ttd29: I just took a shower [8:04 PM] ttd29: And then after that what happened? [8:05 PM] Theodore: wait me, i need to finish the monstrosity i cooked [8:06 PM] ttd29: =))))) [8:06 PM] ttd29: Oke [8:20 PM] Theodore: ok so at one point i just straight up told him dont talk to me anymore [8:20 PM] Theodore: which i very regret til this day [8:21 PM] Theodore: after that text, he never answered me again [8:21 PM] Theodore: he didn't respond to anything [8:21 PM] Theodore: basically he ghosted me [8:21 PM] ttd29: For a year??? [8:22 PM] Theodore: yes [8:22 PM] Theodore: i had been through a lot of confusion, anger, self hate, regret, depression, you name it [8:22 PM] ttd29: And he never talked to you again until now? [8:23 PM] Theodore: i kept messaging him for months, until July last year i told him this would be my last text (it wasn't), which he also didnt read [8:24 PM] Theodore: and a few days ago my depression hit me so bad i had to bring up that shit again [8:24 PM] Theodore: this time i talked with a mutual friend of us [8:25 PM] Theodore: along the lines i told my fren that 'the only reason i haven't commit suicide is because my mom would be sad if i did' [8:25 PM] Theodore: my fren told my ex that i wanted to commit suicide... [8:25 PM] Theodore: -.- [8:25 PM] ttd29: Quào [8:25 PM] ttd29: Okay [8:26 PM] ttd29: Great friend [8:26 PM] ttd29: =)) [8:26 PM] ttd29: After that then what happened [8:27 PM] Theodore: anyway, i also sent him a few words that said 'i dont understand how things went wrong but im sure whatever my mistakes are, i am not deserved to be ghosted for a year like this' [8:27 PM] Theodore: after i filed a request to delete my fb account [8:27 PM] Theodore: so i told my fren find some way to make him read my last message before the account got deleted completely [8:28 PM] Theodore: actually he completed what i asked him to do, but the way he did it was a bit questionable wasn't it [8:28 PM] Theodore: in some way, he distorted what i said about suicide [8:29 PM] ttd29: Yeah that was totally not cool [8:29 PM] Theodore: anyway, my ex sent me an email to apologize bc i blocked him on all media [8:29 PM] Theodore: before i received the email, i felt like i was reborn [8:30 PM] Theodore: that i could finally give up the past and move on to the new chapter [8:30 PM] Theodore: but then... the email =.= [8:30 PM] Theodore: i just wanted him to read, i didn't want an answer anymore [8:30 PM] Theodore: it is too late for an answer [8:31 PM] Theodore: anyway i got stressed again and my emails sent to him got longer and longer [8:32 PM] Theodore: he eventually responded that he was super tired with this way of talking of mine and that's one of the reasons he gave up the relationship [8:32 PM] Theodore: i guess he had a point, i sometimes feel like im overdramatic about things [8:32 PM] Theodore: and yes when im stressed i'd write a lot and talk a lot [8:32 PM] ttd29: Yeah well [8:33 PM] ttd29: Now where are you guys? [8:33 PM] ttd29: Still exchanging emails? [8:33 PM] Theodore: so fast forward a few emails, i got friendlier and finally connected to him on discord [8:34 PM] Theodore: i dont really use discord but im not ready to reconnect with him on any other platform [8:34 PM] Theodore: so this is the choice [8:35 PM] ttd29: And you guys are talking normally now? [8:35 PM] Theodore: i guess??? idk, i dont feel that way [8:35 PM] Theodore: but, as i said, his mom is going thru cancer treatment [8:35 PM] Theodore: so he must be very busy and, in his words, he did not have the mental capacity for this [8:36 PM] Theodore: so yeah, although i really want to get back, i still feel like im chasing him [8:36 PM] ttd29: Okay got it [8:37 PM] Theodore: id been already texting to a ghost for almost a year, now i still have to try to get his attention [8:37 PM] Theodore: but [8:37 PM] Theodore: i cant blame him because who knows what his situation right now [8:37 PM] ttd29: Was about to ask why do you want to get back together but realize that’s a redundant question lol [8:38 PM] Theodore: here [8:38 PM] Theodore: also cuz he's cute so it's not that easy :frowning: [8:38 PM] ttd29: =))) [8:38 PM] ttd29: Lol [8:39 PM] ttd29: Cute guys are abundant out there waiting for you [8:39 PM] ttd29: Anyway [8:39 PM] Theodore: just enjoy my awkward humor amidst a stressful story [8:39 PM] ttd29: I kind of understand what you’re going through [8:39 PM] ttd29: Enough to know that you wont be rational right now lol [8:39 PM] Theodore: ... [8:39 PM] Theodore: thats disappointing [8:40 PM] ttd29: If i tell you he’s not the right guy for you, would you suddenly stop wanting him? [8:40 PM] ttd29: I don’t think so [8:41 PM] Theodore: that's what u think [8:41 PM] Theodore: this afternoon u said something that was quite impressing [8:41 PM] Theodore: but now it's not cuz i forgot [8:41 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [8:41 PM] ttd29: I said [8:41 PM] ttd29: It’s okay to miss someone [8:42 PM] Theodore: here [8:42 PM] ttd29: But you need to be rational enough to know whether they are good for you [8:42 PM] ttd29: That’s the more important part of the equation [8:43 PM] Theodore: it's so pity to give up such a beautiful story like that, i literally could turn it into a wattpad series which makes fangirls cry out every night [8:43 PM] Theodore: what we had together was so romantic and any relationship which came after was incomparable [8:44 PM] ttd29: This right here my fren [8:44 PM] ttd29: Is why every relationship comes after are not comparable [8:45 PM] ttd29: You havent fully dealt with your shit yet so everyone else are just rebounds [8:45 PM] ttd29: You think they would cure you, but you need to cure yourself first [8:45 PM] Theodore: i never found any friends that were so compatible with me like him, let alone a lover [8:46 PM] Theodore: for real, if i had great friends, i could have just turned to my friends and never given a shit about him [8:46 PM] Theodore: but i've always been a lonely person [8:47 PM] ttd29: Do you ever think [8:47 PM] ttd29: You’re so consumed by your pain, that you’re not letting your friends in? [8:47 PM] Theodore: ive been always like this since kindergarten [8:48 PM] ttd29: Like what? [8:48 PM] Theodore: alone [8:49 PM] ttd29: Lol it’s all connected together now [8:50 PM] ttd29: You’re always alone. So once you found someone who cares, you put wayyy too much pressure on that person to care for you [8:50 PM] Theodore: wow [8:50 PM] ttd29: So they cracked [8:51 PM] ttd29: Yeah [8:51 PM] ttd29: At least that’s the vibe I got from our conversations [8:52 PM] ttd29: And then you never really let anyone in to care for you after that person left. [8:52 PM] ttd29: I’m sure your friends really care about you. But you don’t tell them how they can help you so they must be frustrated as well [8:52 PM] ttd29: Hence the suicidal distortion thingy [8:53 PM] ttd29: Maybe they were concerned and wanted to help, but didnt know how to [8:54 PM] Theodore: hmmm [8:54 PM] Theodore: w8 me, im on a phone call w mum [8:54 PM] Theodore: brb [8:54 PM] ttd29: Oke [9:12 PM] Theodore: you are right about the whole thing [9:12 PM] Theodore: i wouldn't say i didn't let anyone care me after he left [9:13 PM] Theodore: it's just hard for me to connect with someone on that deep level [9:13 PM] Theodore: i used to be quite clingy around friends who i found compatible with me [9:14 PM] Theodore: but at the end of the day, i think it's important to know that they also have their own lives [9:14 PM] Theodore: so i dont really have friends anymore, cuz i feel like im bothering them [9:15 PM] ttd29: What is this deep level that you were able to connect with the guy? [9:15 PM] Theodore: yeah i have best friends here and there but i dont find myself comfortable as i was with my ex [9:17 PM] Theodore: he's both a best friend and a lover; we shared a lot of hobbies and favorite topics, ... and also i felt like he would always be there to lend me an ear, unlike a normal friend [9:17 PM] Theodore: which has been proved to be incorrect lol [9:17 PM] ttd29: Sounds like you need a hug lol [9:18 PM] Theodore: i really appreciate that u are staying here to listen to me [9:18 PM] Theodore: and u gave some very interesting insights that no one else did [9:18 PM] Theodore: prolly becuz they didn't care enof, or they just wanted to quickly conclude my problems so they could go to sleep [9:19 PM] ttd29: Haha i’m flattered [9:19 PM] ttd29: Idk you just sound like you really need to talk this out [9:20 PM] Theodore: and now that we're connected on discord, i kept getting mixed signals from him [9:20 PM] ttd29: I believe being able to talk about our problems always help [9:20 PM] Theodore: i'm a bit obsessed to discord recently and i found myself waiting for a dm from him [9:20 PM] Theodore: :neutral_face: [9:21 PM] ttd29: You know what your problem is? [9:21 PM] Theodore: i dont want to... you know... after all the shit ive been thru, i now have to continue waiting for him [9:21 PM] ttd29: You never really get a full closure from him [9:22 PM] ttd29: I mean he just ghosted you out of the blue. Then he only came back and apologized when he thought you were going to committ suicide [9:22 PM] Theodore: yes, please continue [9:22 PM] ttd29: You never got a sincere apology [9:23 PM] Theodore: you are right... [9:23 PM] ttd29: That’s why you’re so hung up [9:23 PM] ttd29: And you got your own problems to fix to [9:23 PM] ttd29: Starting from your “clinginess” [9:24 PM] ttd29: He’s not going to fix that problem for you [9:24 PM] ttd29: And if you guys got back together, you will eventually break up again, because the root of the problem was never resolved [9:24 PM] Theodore: you are right [9:25 PM] ttd29: I don’t want to tell you what to do. But you surely deserve an in-person, sincere apology from him, for leaving you in the worst way possible [9:26 PM] Theodore: i suppose [9:26 PM] Theodore: but he's in an emotional distress, so i cant really blame him, or expect anything from him [9:26 PM] Theodore: im thinking about ending this come-back plan from my side [9:27 PM] Theodore: i think he wont give a shit lol, because he also said we would still break up if none of us changed [9:28 PM] ttd29: Yeah so if he is aware of that [9:28 PM] Theodore: i really thought i had improved myself as a person after all the regret, but now that we found out that i still have a tendency to cling to people i care about and that makes them suffocated [9:28 PM] ttd29: And if he really did love you and respect you enough, he would understand you need this, Theodore. [9:29 PM] ttd29: This is your problem that you need to work on improving [9:29 PM] Theodore: need what? an apology? [9:29 PM] ttd29: Yes [9:29 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology [9:29 PM] ttd29: Not an “i only apologize because i think you’re going to commit suicide” [9:30 PM] Theodore: you are right, the moment i knew that was the reason he apologized, i was shocked and disappointed [9:30 PM] Theodore: shall i keep waiting for anything from him? [9:30 PM] ttd29: Just text him that [9:31 PM] Theodore: no, i dont want to [9:31 PM] ttd29: :))) if i were there, I would snatch the phone from you and text him myself [9:31 PM] Theodore: u seem like a cool friend to be around :)) [9:31 PM] ttd29: You said he was mature enough to know it’s not a good idea to get back together [9:32 PM] ttd29: So be it [9:32 PM] ttd29: But he must admit he was wrong [9:32 PM] ttd29: Wrong to treat you like that [9:32 PM] Theodore: i also asked him for an in-person meeting but he declined becuz he's busy with his mom [9:33 PM] Theodore: i think it will take a long time for him to get over that, and by that time he will have forgotten about me probably lol [9:33 PM] ttd29: Or via text, or via email or whatever. [9:33 PM] ttd29: Get him to apologize sincerely [9:34 PM] Theodore: he did apologize me multiple times [9:34 PM] ttd29: Okay fine [9:34 PM] ttd29: If you’re think they’re sincere then they are [9:34 PM] Theodore: even on discord, one time he asked me how i was doing and i told him about my depression and he apologized [9:34 PM] ttd29: But if they are not then you should get one [9:34 PM] ttd29: Omg no that’s not sincere [9:34 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [9:34 PM] Theodore: ??? its not [9:35 PM] Theodore: how do i know [9:35 PM] ttd29: Why must his apology always be connected to your mental state [9:35 PM] Theodore: he's not capable of writing dancing words like me [9:35 PM] Theodore: idk?? [9:35 PM] Theodore: so it's not sincere... [9:36 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology should be when you guys are both in normal state [9:36 PM] ttd29: And you know that he’s really sorry for what he did [9:37 PM] ttd29: Not just because he thinks saying sorry would make you not depressed/want to commit suicide/etc [9:37 PM] Theodore: got it [9:37 PM] Theodore: aww fren thanks for helping me realize it [9:38 PM] Theodore: maybe i still have feelings for him and want us to be back so i did put the bar quite low for an apology [9:38 PM] ttd29: Lol I need to consider becoming a mental therapy [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah to be frank I don’t think getting back together is a good idea [9:39 PM] ttd29: You need to deal with your emotional baggage first [9:39 PM] Theodore: okay [9:39 PM] Theodore: so no waiting for him [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah!!!! [9:39 PM] ttd29: Work on yourself [9:40 PM] Theodore: ok... [9:40 PM] Theodore: haizzz... [9:40 PM] Theodore: such a beautiful story