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epicbuddieficrecs · 5 months

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Weekly Recap | April 8th-14th 2024

Managed to put it out slightly earlier this time! 😆 This is still long af and there are still too many fics left in my ao3 inbox but maybe the mini hiatus will allow me to catch up!

As you can see I'm still enjoying podfics and I am happy to report that listening to Coma-Verse made me cry as much if not more as reading it 🙃 You can also looks forward to part 2 of my "BFF fic rec" series which will cover seasons 4 and 5, coming soon!

Enjoy! 😃

Complete

and with each one, i'm a little more free series by honestlydarkprincess/ @honestlydarkprincess (Post-S7E4, Coming Out):

settle (<1K | General): Buck comes out to Chimney. so let the words slip out of your mouth (1,7K | General): Buck comes out to Eddie.

kiss him once for me by 42hrb/ @exhuastedpigeon (S7E5 Spec, Jealous Eddie | <1K | General): Eddie was perfectly happy and accepting about Buck’s sexuality, in fact, he liked to think he was the ideal picture of a best friend when Buck had told him. So, nothing changed between them. Or at least, nothing changed until he sees Buck and Tommy kiss.

when we're barely awake in the heat of the day's weight by trysetmeonfire/ @try-set-me-on-fire (BuckTommy | 1K | Mature): Buck wakes up at Tommy’s place and they have a conversation about taking up space

like an empty bottle takes the rain by glorious_spoon/ @glorious-spoon (Post-S7E4, Sexuality Crisis | 1,2K | General): "I was wondering. You and Tommy—how did you know?" There's a soft intake of breath. "That I was into guys? Or that I was into him?" "Either." Eddie shrugs tightly. "Both."

Yes, Daddy by Tizniz/ @tizniz (PWP, Daddy Kink | 1,7K | Explicit): And really, the shit eating smirk that graces Buck’s too pink lips should have been Eddie’s warning. But he’s so used to his best friend’s antics that he’s become immune to them. Or, well he thought he had. “Yes, Daddy.”

don't stand a ghost of a chance (with you) by extasiswings/ @extasiswings (Post-S7E5, BuckTommy Breakup | 1,7K | Teen): Tommy isn’t stupid. He knows the score from the beginning. But. He’s only so strong. And Evan is both hot as hell and supremely adorable. So Tommy kisses him, and asks him out, and tells himself that maybe he’s just been reading the signs wrong. Maybe Evan and Eddie really are just…very…close friends. He’s imagining things. They’re friends—or maybe Evan has a crush—but that’s fine. Evan asked Tommy out. So Eddie is…a nonissue. Tommy tells himself that right up until he can’t anymore.

don't want to be a fool for you by fallingthorns/ @fallingthorns (Bachelor party, Madney Wedding Spec | 1,8K | Teen): Or, at both the bachelor party and the wedding reception, Buck looks at Eddie.

let’s get lost between the lines by wafflesofdoom/ @capseycartwright (BuckTommy, Post-S7E5 | 2K | General): “You handled that well,” Tommy said, as they left the restaurant and stepped out into this cool evening air. His words were soft, and gentle – genuine, even. As though he really meant it. Buck was baffled, frankly. “I handled that with as much grace as an elephant doing ballet,” Buck glared at his - his date? - incredulously. “Tommy, did you hit your head? Are you concussed? Do I need to take you to the emergency room?” or, after the eddie shaped hiccup of their first date, buck and tommy walk and talk - about coming out and why buck deserves a nice boyfriend.

good luck, babe by hattalove/ @hattalove (Outsider POV, Social Media fic, S7E5, BuckTommy Date | 2K | Teen): sometimes, when you've had a bad week, all you want is a romantic evening out with your wife over terrible pizza, and what you get instead is some kind of intricate gay ritual happening two tables away from you.

say my name and everything just stops by bellabrady (BuckTommy, Endgame Buddie, Getting Together | 3K | Not Rated): Or: Buck accidentally moans Eddie's name while making out with Tommy and it leads to some realizations.

behaving myself. by dylaesthetics (Secret Relationship | 3K | Teen): OR it’s just a regular day at fire station one-eighteen. No one’s acting weird. Nothing’s out of the ordinary. Everything's the same as it's always been. Right?

even for a phoenix (i’m getting tired) by hobbitprincess (Post-S5E18, Hurt Buck | 3K | Mature) : “You’re gonna be fine,” says Eddie again, and Buck hates that he can parse out the slight waver that wasn’t there the first time. Buck doesn’t have the heart to disagree with him, even if they both know it isn’t true.

This Old Love Has Me Bound by allyasavedtheday/ @littlespoonevan (Post-S7E4 | 3K | Teen): In an attempt to better understand his newfound bisexuality, Buck tries to figure out if he ever missed any signs with guys before. The universe keeps interrupting every time he's about to think about Eddie.

so much to say that's subject-sore by hattalove/ @hattalove (BuckTommy, Buddie Endgame | 3K | Teen): in which buck is convinced he's having commitment issues, tommy is there to hold his hand, and the tiramisu won't eat itself.

I get drunk on jealousy by heartbeatdiaz/ @loserdiaz (FWB BuckTommy, Endgame Buddie | 5K | Explicit): Eddie calls Buck in the middle of the night at a not so covenient time, words are said, feelings are revealed and Buck's strenght is tested.

shoot another shot (try to stop the feeling) by withmeornotatall/ @chronicowboy (Bachelor Party Spec, BuckTommy, Endgame Buddie | 5K | General): "He just. He won't let me in, Tommy. It's terrifying. I don't know how to help him because he's refusing to even admit there's something wrong." Buck scrubs a hand down his face. "I'm not crazy, am I? I'm not making things up? He's not himself, right?" (OR: eddie gets drunk and cuts a little too loose, buck tries to pick up the pieces and ends up getting more than he bargained for, and tommy is just happy he got to be with buck at least for a little while)

Threes Not A Crowd by Tizniz/ @tizniz (Buck/Tommy/Eddie, PWP | 5K | Explicit): Follow up to Buck's Boyfriends in which Buck's boyfriends take care of him. Incredibly well. (Part 2 of Buck's Boyfriends)

🔥 To Build A Nest (To Build A Home) by Kwills91/ @kwills91 (Post-S5E14, Getting Together | 9K | Teen): Five times Buck shows his love for Eddie via pebbling and the one time Eddie uses those pebbles to build a nest.

don't go breaking my heart. by dylaesthetics (S7E6 Spec, Madney Wedding, Getting Together | 13K | Teen): Coming to terms with being bisexual and being in love with his best friend is not how Buck expected to spend the month or so leading up to his sister’s wedding. But then again, life has shown time and time again that he has been put on this planet to suffer. - OR Buck can’t take it anymore and kisses Eddie in the middle of his sister’s wedding reception. He’s never been known for making good decisions. (Part 2 of heaven is you.)

🔥 Test Drive by ElvenSorceress/ @elvensorceress (PWP, Buck/Tommy/Eddie, Buddie Endgame | 28K | Explicit): In which Buck wants his boyfriend to give his best friend a queer awakening like he had. For no particular reason at all. While he also has the most inopportune "Oh" moment ever.

WIP

Both Bermuda and Golden (Lost but Doing Just Fine) by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/ @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (PWP, Threesome, BuckTommyEddie | 4/6 | 20K | Explicit): In which everyone has two hands and two holes and is keeping their options fluid. (Or: a collection of threesome fics.)

🔥 Things We're All Too Young to Know by Daisies_and_Briar / @cal-daisies-and-briars (Canon S1-S6, S7 Spec | 125/? | 389K | Mature): This is a love story. Even if it doesn’t always look like it. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. A look back on Eddie and Buck's lives up to now, and what led them to each other, interpreted from the current 9-1-1 canon.

What’s Your Order? by JJK/ @trenchcoatsandtimetravel (Post-S7E5, BuckTommy | 2K | Teen): 5 Times Buck Guessed Tommy’s Coffee Order + 1 Time He Didn’t Have To

🔥 Any Other Way by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars (Canon Divergent, S2 | 8/18 | 45K | Mature): In a switcheroo alternate universe, Buck spends young adulthood in the military, while Eddie, who has no idea Christopher exists, spends his twenties messing around, finally enjoying freedom away from his family’s expectations. When they both end up in Los Angeles, at the 118, some things are different, and others will be the same in any universe.

🔥 Cowboy With a One Track Mind by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars (Canon Divergence, Not A Firefighter Buck | 1/4 | 6K | Mature): Spin-off Sequel to Evan Buckley & the Coma-Verse of Madness - Chapter 7 (Land): Grieving and tortured, Evan Buckley has been living alone in Montana in a remote cabin for nearly a decade. After an incident that leaves him missing six months of his life, and suddenly in connection with a group of strangers from Los Angeles, Evan must decide whether to remain in his self-imposed exile, or take a chance at life again.

Podfics

🔥 [podfic] wedding bells by All_I_Ask/ @alliaskisthepossibilityoflove for renecdote/ @renecdote (Friends to Fiances | 10-20 min | General): The background noise of the movie and the warm weight of his best friend against his side is lulling Eddie towards a nap when Buck breaks the silence. “Do you want to get married?” “Sure,” Eddie answers sleepily. “Fall wedding?” “What?” Buck frowns, and Eddie realises: oh, he meant do I want to get married generally not to him specifically. Then Buck is asking, “Why fall?”

🔥 [podfic] do you love me? all you gotta do is say yes by All_I_Ask/ @alliaskisthepossibilityoflove for fleetinghearts/ @shitouttabuck (Outsider POV, Friends to Fiances | 30-45 min | Teen): or, two boy best friends and an ex lover walk into a grocery store. everyone is on their normalest behaviour.

OK with being OK [Podfic] by blackglass/ @blackestglass // fic by S_lycopersicum/ @slycopersicum-in-disguise (Post-S5, Coming Out | 10-20 min | Teen): Buck was about 10 minutes away from the firehouse when his phone pinged. "Message from Eddie Diaz," Hildy's too-smooth voice announced, and Buck laughed at how Eddie's face would scrunch at Hildy knowing his business. "Wait in your car when you get here. I need to talk to you before we go in" Oh shit.

🔥 [Podfic] rainbows have nothing to hide by slipofthetongue/ @burnthatbridge for hattalove/ @hattalove (Getting Together | 20-30 min | Teen): how is eddie diaz like kermit the frog? let buck and christopher count the ways. (Part 1 of the kermit verse)

🔥 [Podfic] Before the Night Fades by slipofthetongue/ @burnthatbridge // fic by MilenaDaniels/ @milenadaniels (Post-S4E14: Survivors, Outsider POV | 45-60 min | Teen): “I have a bottle of champagne, four champagne flutes, one engagement ring to go into one of those champagne flutes, and a note to deliver it all to table 34 with dessert,” Tomas explains, wide-eyed, throwing his hand back to the prep station where said champagne is waiting on ice next to four flutes and a small ring box. “Okay?” “Okay so there’s two men and two women and I have no idea who’s getting proposed to. I’m not even 100% on who came with who." --- Or, EddieAna and BuckTaylor double date and it ruins everyone's night.

🔥[Podfic] Close My Eyes and Stumble (Right Into Your Love) by Ceewelsh/ @mayonnaisetoffees // fic by HMSLusitania/ @hmslusitania (Canon Divergent, S1, Dispatcher Eddie | 2.5-3h | Mature): Eddie's PTSD is just that little bit worse and when he moves to Los Angeles, instead of joining the LAFD, he joins dispatch. Which is all good and fine, except for this one firefighter he keeps ending up talking to.

🔥[Podfic] i did, i did, i do by Ceewelsh/ @mayonnaisetoffees // fic by @hattalove (Canon Divergent | 30-45min | Teen): or the one in which, a couple of weeks after meeting each other, buck and eddie fell in love, broke up, and then forgot to fall out of it.

🔥The Evolution of Buddie [Podfics] by MistMarauder/ @gracieryder for InsaneJuliann/ @marvelingjules (Post-Shooting, Getting Together, Eddie Coming Out, Warning: Homophobia)

[Podfic] Someone Told Me Not to Cry (It's a Lie) (20-30min | Teen): Eddie's fine, he is. Really. He keeps telling himself that until he accidentally calls Buck in the middle of the night after a nightmare.

[Podfic] Just Bros being Bros (45-60min | Teen): It's totally normal to kiss your best friend on the cheek. Eddie has no idea why everyone keeps giving him looks and thinking there's more there.

[Podfic] I was Sinking (Somehow I Forgot) (45-60min | Teen): Eddie tries to figure out just what he may or may not be feeling for Buck. Really, it only leaves him with more questions than any actual answers. His mind keeps twisting around, unable to let him settle with any certainty.

[Podfic] Ready to Suffer, Ready to Hope (S3E18 | 45-60min | Teen): Buck's the one hurting this time, and Eddie wants to help, but he's not sure how, or if he even can. Maybe, he was wrong before. Maybe everyone was. Because clearly, Buck's not as over Abby as everyone seemed to think.

[Podfic] Hard to Learn to Love (45-60min | Teen): Buck's helping Eddie fix Abuela's porch. Eddie's pretty sure he's possibly going to do something stupid, because he can't stop thinking about how much he wants to kiss his best friend.

[Podfic] Someday (Gonna be Free) (45-60min | Teen): Karen points out to Eddie that maybe, his ideas of what a relationship has to look like are something he needs to reassess. She lends him a book, and before Eddie knows it, he's having one epiphany after another.

[Podfic] Bittersweet Triumph (1-1.5h | Teen): Eddie's parents drop by for an unexpected visit. The only thing Eddie can think to do is damage control. Eventually they'd leave, right? Eventually, he could relax again. But he's quickly reaching a breaking point, and he's not sure what'll be on the other side of it.

[Podfic] Pivotal Moment (1-1.5h | Teen): Eddie's stood up to his parents, but of course it can't be that easy. They're still in his house, and Eddie's just waiting for the other shoe to drop. He's frustrated, angry, scared even - and worried about so much at once he can't relax. It's not only leaving Eddie on edge, but Buck seems more and more tense, too.

[Podfic] Hello My Old Heart (1-1.5h | Teen): Eddie needs to check his parents have left - and either way, there's a lot he needs to work through about their visit. Good thing he has family, friends, and Buck to help him figure it all out. And maybe, it's time for him to start showing his hand more, with them all.

[Podfic] Unlearning Lonely After So Long (1-1.5h | Teen): It's the next morning, Buck's still there and making breakfast, and Eddie's realizing that while yeah, the list of things he needs to talk about - with Buck and others - definitely doesn't fill him with anything close to happiness, the rest of it? It's a kind of happiness he hasn't felt in a while.

[Podfic] The More Things Stay the Same (Getting Together | 30-45min | Teen): Eddie's realizing that, now that he's dating Buck, it's not that much different from before, really - except for the increased touching and kissing. That's new. Maybe that's why no one's caught on yet, and they're able to keep it to themselves for now.

🔥 Evan Buckley & The Coma-Verse of Madness by Daisies_and_Briars [Podfic]/@cal-daisies-and-briars by Rhea314 (Rhea)/ @rhea314 (Coma AU, Multiverse | 7-10h | Teen): After being struck by lightning on a call, Buck experiences a plethora of alternate realities showing him different directions his life could have taken. Fighting hard to get home, Buck learns what, or who, is important to him in every lifetime.

Re-Read

🔥 Ace of Hearts by glorious_spoon/ @glorious-spoon (Post-S6, Getting Together | 9K | Teen): "I've been wondering…" Maddie pauses, watches Buck make a face like he's bracing to be smacked. "What happened with Eddie? You two were dancing around it for so long, and then… what, it just didn't work out? Was the date really that bad?" She's expecting another wince, or even for him to duck out of the conversation entirely, but instead Buck is staring at her like she's grown a second head. "Maddie. I've never been on a date with Eddie." Or: the poker game was a date. It takes Buck a while to catch on, though.

🔥 all good things come to an end (but it's not the end) by wafflesofdoom/ @capseycartwright (Pre-S4, Quarantine, Friends with Benefits | 10K | Explicit): “Okay, hear me out,” Buck said. "What if we have sex?” Eddie could be forgiven for choking on his own breath, given how out of the blue Buck's suggestion was. “What?” “You’re my best friend," Buck gestured vaguely. "And in case you hadn’t noticed, we’re living through an actual plague right now, so neither of us is actually getting any. So who better to have sex with than each other?" - or, craving intimacy during quarantine, buck and eddie strike up a friends with benefits situation. because it couldn't possibly go wrong.

#epic buddie fic rec #buddie fic rec #buddie fanfiction #buddie fanfic #buddie fic #bucktommy #bucktommy fic #bucktommy fanfic

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akihabara-division03 · 1 year

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ARB Birthday Special: Makina Setsukura

~ September 1st ~

“Lost is a lovely place to find yourself.”

“Happy Birthday to myself and everyone else celebrating their birthday today. What a time to be alive, am I right?”

“Part of me is excited to eventually become an adult with all the adulty perks. But at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m ready to grow up… so while I still can, I just wanna feel like I’m alive with the people I care about the most.”

Voice Lines

“Hellooo. A whole fucking year’s passed, isn’t that wild? It really just zoomed on by. I’ll say it again and again, but it’s shocking how much time’s passed. Like, slow down… please? I want time to just slow down.”

“I think my viewers left presents and fan mail in my P.O. Box. I planned for a big birthday stream for the majority of the day, just to spend some fun time with chat and thank them for the gifts. We’ll look through all the cute fanart on social media, play some games together, and I’ll have a couple of collabs with some streamer friends, too. Aaaaand I’ve got some fun surprises for chat, too.”

“Oh, Anika… thank you… Yeah, we couldn’t celebrate last year… ‘cuz of… Right… different… What the… stop sounding so cheesy… Urgh, today’s not the day for me to cry, dammit, I have makeup on…”

“You got me a present? Can I see it now? Isn’t this one of those ccomo mini fridges? It’s the brown bear fridge… I mean it’s really cute… and it’s got a lot of storage space… It’ll be good when I stream so I don’t have to leave my room to get snacks… What the fuck, why was that so backhanded… Ah shut up… and thanks…”

“Oh hey, Shian… thanks. Oh… was that two years ago? Oh yeah, it was… It felt like yesterday but it also felt like so long ago. I can’t thank you enough… really… Ah, shit, I didn’t want you to hear that… Ugh… thanks…”

“A pink…handheld carousel…? With pink bunnies? It’s a projector? How… Oh, ok, I see how it works now. That’s cool. And it’s really cute. A gift for kids? … I can’t even be mad about that…”

Anika Lines

“Hey, Happy Birthday, kiddo! This is my first celebrating your birthday with you. Right… But this year is different! There’s nothing I wish more than for you to live your life to the fullest. I’ll make sure of it. Haha! Oh no! We don’t want you to cry all that mascara off haha!”

“While we’re still here, you gotta open your present. Yeah! Go ahead! Exactly! This way, you can keep it and your snacks, strawberry milk, other energy drinks in your room and you don’t have to leave your snack rubbish in the kitchen and you can at least keep the mess within your own room! Really, looking at you hugging that thing, it’s almost half your height. That’s so cute! Oh, but still please throw away your rubbish, even if you do keep them within the confines of your room.”

Shian Lines

“Yo, Makina. It’s your birthday today, isn’t it? Damn, where has all the time gone? I swear it felt like yesterday when I first met you, but that was just barely two years ago. I heard that. No need to thank me. It was two years ago and it was the right thing to do. You deserve a good life.”

“Enjoy your present. It’s a device that projects moons and stars on your ceiling, walls, pretty much anything. It also works as a music box. It’s supposed to be a gift for kids, but I think it’ll look cute in your room and it’ll be fun to show your viewers.”

#hypnosis mic #hypnosis mic oc #hypmic #hypmic oc #hypnosis mic arb #hypmic arb #akihabara division #pixel syndicate #makina setsukura #anika kiyozaki #shian meizono #birthday 2023 #makina birthday 2023

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imabasicbishh · 1 year

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I gotta say I love that RE gets new fans with the remakes, but with some of these newer RE fans have also brought in the concept of “stans”, which I am now completely categorizing in a different group from fans. I am a huge Ada fan, but these Ada stans on Twitter are making it hard to enjoy Resident Evil content on there.

In Stan world if I want say I don’t like Ada’s new voice, or prefer OGRE4 Ada over the remake, or don’t love her new outfit then apparently “I have no right to call myself a fan” if I vocalized these opinions. I am Asian American myself and I did not enjoy Lily Gao’s performance as Ada. In my opinion, she had a few passable lines, flat and awkward delivery majority of the time, no chemistry with Leon, and most importantly NO charisma. Doesn’t matter how much much time Ada had in any form of RE media, she has always had presence and impact. In RE4’s main game, Ada didn’t have that many scenes either (although technically more than the remake), but even to people who didn’t bother to play Separate Ways, she always left an impression.

When the first RE4R trailer of her speaking dropped A LOT of people didn’t like her voice acting from the beginning. Then Ada stans would say “you can’t judge based on one line, wait until the game comes out” (as if that would somehow make her delivery better?), then the game comes out and a lot of people still didn’t like her performance, now it’s “she barely had any screen time, wait for Separate Ways”, moving the goal post again. Or it’s “she’s suppose to sound flat because she’s now a serious mercenary” Like was Ada not already cold and serious in RE2R?? I don’t remember her “sounding flirty” in that game at all, that was literally one of the reason people didn’t like RE2R’s Ada, for not being as nice as she was in OG2. Now there’s this belief that most people only didn’t like it because of some RE influencer and blamed her to take accountability for the harassment and bullying Lily Gao got, then the next day the Ada Stans go on to harass, bully, and passive aggressively hate on accounts that ship Cleon to the point they end up closing their account. I super ship Aeon too but jeeze. It’s just so hard to take seriously, but I guess that’s the current state of fandom culture now: “can’t take the toxic behavior of me defending my fave, then gtfo”.

Lily Gao 100% did not deserve to be harassed, I put all blame on Capcom. If they wanted to cast a new Asian VA for Ada they should have put in more effort to finding THE BEST fit person for the job, not the most convenient. I wish there was more noise on Patricia Ja Lee being Jill Valentine’s previous VA and mocap, because there’s a VA who did a great job, maybe they should have just gotten her to be Ada, but doubt Capcom considered any Union VA. Capcom in general after the VA Union strike have been cheap, and Capcom USA especially have been lazy. They have no respect for VAs, you expect me to believe they didn’t cast Lily Gao for convenience sake after not even bothering to bring back David Vaughn for RE8’s Chris Redfield and reused Jeff Schine instead?

Look, you can like Ada’s new voice, but to not understand why others genuinely don’t like it makes no sense to me.

Capcom nerfed Ada so hard in this remake but every Ada stan can make so many justifications for Capcoms shit decisions, writing for her, and having one of the weakest VA performances despite being a main character and one of the most iconic female characters in video games? The only time “Ada Nation” can band together for anything is when Ada is left out of stuff so long as she girl-bosses and serves cunt right? Who cares she has less screen time, who cares there was no Assignment Ada and she’s not in Mercenaries at Launch even though all that was included in the Game Cube release, who cares they gave Luis Ada’s moment of saving Leon from Krauser, who cares she was left out of all the promotion of RE4R, who cares that she keeps telling Leon to leave Ashley for whatever reason when she never interferes with how Leon does his job in the OG. Leon literally throwing real knife stabs that could actually kill her, he hasn’t seen her in 6 years, he has no idea if she could block them or not, but I guess all that is suppose to be visually appealing than him being able to disarm her. Oh Ada can’t black flip kick the gun out of Leon’s hand bc it’s not realistic but Leon can jump around like he’s Cloud Strife in the saddler boss battle? And Ada offered a ride to Leon at the end and not Ashley, I don’t know how Ada stans can see where it implies that Ada offered a ride to both of them? And why do we have to read in between the lines when they could have had her ask if they were both coming in the script? They had no problem putting that badly written scene of exposition with Wesker at the end to show players how much of a “good and reformed” person she is. I wouldn’t give Capcom that much credit. Why does them improving Separate Ways, which should already be expected of a remake, justify cutting/downgrading everything else?

You can say you like her new outfit more than her OG, but then to go and say it’s more practical now, when really it’s still unpractical as hell too. Say you like RE4R Ada but then to say she’s less sexualized than OG4? Lily Gao implying she characterized Ada to be less sexualized, when her Ada basically offers Leon sex if he drops his mission and leaves Ashley. Past Adas has never propositioned anything like that before EVER. Like ok RE4R Ada doesn’t wear a cocktail dress now, but instead now has hella ass shots for days, they made her boobs larger, and gave her character model boob physics, all of which wasn’t in OG4.

Had to get this off my chest, if you made it this far congrats lol. This is just all my opinion, you don’t have to agree with me, I’m sure a lot of you don’t.

#resident evil #ada wong #resident evil 4 #resident evil 4 remake #re4r ada #resident evil 2 remake #lily gao #leon kennedy

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forfoxessake · 2 years

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2022 is over. The year in review.

It wasn’t a great year. This mostly post-pandemic year was filled with anxiety and changes. I could hardly focus on anything so there are only a few things that were truly memorable.

I was able to reconnect with music, after many years barely listening to anything, suddenly it was the only thing that I could enjoy without having to force myself to pay attention, I could just feel.

I found that I still pretty much love MCR and one thing I could focus on was watching the live streams from their Return tour, every night a different set list, different memories. It really helped me get through my days - funny how they are still out there saving lives 20 years later.

I saw 113 films, read 64 books and seen many series.

Here are some of my favorites, in no particular order:

MOVIES

Aftersun (2022) - definitely my favorite movie this year, nothing made me feel as much as the last 30 minutes of this film.

Petite Maman (2021) - there’s like 5 people in this movie, it’s mostly two litte girls playing around I loved every second of it.

The Worst Person in the World (2021) - being an adult is hard and we don’t have to know everything

Dial M for Murder (1954) - had a very special time seeing this, and it’s really good.

Mars One (2022) - another movie with a wonderful kid who dreams bigger than anything in the world

C’mon C’mon (2021) - my favorite films this year all starred little kids, there are moments here so precious

The Lost Daughter (2021) - my first film this year and I still remember it so vividly.

CODA (2021) - the big Oscar winner and I still agree with this decision, it’s precious and memorable.

The Green Knight (2021) - Not enough people have seen this, Dev Patel and Alicia Vikander have my heart forever

Metal Lords (2022) - made me remember my teenage years and why I loved music/metal so much

Licorece Pizza (2021) - I need to watch this again but I remember feeling so good while seen this on the big screen

Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022) - my second favorite movie this year, it seems crazy but its really not.

BOOKS

The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys: National Anthem by Gerard Way and Shaun Simon - I loved reading it, I remember not being very into the Danger Days themes and at that point not even listening to music at all anymore, coming back to things and falling in love with this world was a special thing.

I Am, I Am, I Am: Seventeen Brushes with Death by Maggie O'Farrell - one of the most beautiful conversations about death that I have ever read, here death it’s not something distant, it’s a thing that we brush hands with everyday.

My Life Had Stood a Loaded Gun by Emily Dickinson - I finally finished the Dickinson tv series on Apple TV+ and I just had to read some of her work, this collection was on my nightstand for many months and I read it over and over again.

TV SERIES

The Staircase - I was addicted to both the 2022 HBO tv mini-series and the original documentary from 2004, it’s a wild ride and it still makes me question so many things.

The Bear - at a time I could barely focus on anything, I managed to nearly binge watch this show, I can’t explain why it’s impossible to take our eyes off of it, but it’s brilliant and immersive and intense.

House of The Dragon - I really had low expectations for this and it blew my mind every sunday, it might be better than GOT.

Star Trek: Lower Decks - If you are looking for a comedy sci-fi series that doesn’t take itself too seriously and knows how to entertain and mantain a cohesive plot this is it. So far, three seasons of pure joy.

Irma Vep - Olivier Assayas had one of the most brilliant moments in any media this year and almost no one saw it, it’s a shame that so many are missing out one of the best tv series ever.

MUSIC

Past Lives by L.S. Dunes (2022) - I pratically lived off this album since it was released in past two months, its perfect, there’s not one bad song.

I’m probably forgetting other things that I liked, this is a sad list compared to other years and I will try to make better choices this year.

2021

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aureumdraconeus · 1 year

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2. What are your unpopular opinion(s) of the fandom you’re rping in? 3. What rp trends are you so over and can’t wait for it to die? 5. A ship everyone in the fandom you’re in loves, but you can’t stand? (any fandom for 5 and 2) 10. Any fandom(s) you don’t want to rp in or crossover to? 20. If you’re feeling salty right now, this ask gives you a free reign to pour out your frustration.

Late Munday Salt Asks - Featuring AD

2. What are your unpopular opinion(s) of the fandom you’re rping in?

Alright well, ya'll about to get some fun takes from the man who is known for having the best takes in the universe (this is true I made the rules):

RWBY: The fanbase can either be absolutely fucking toxic to hell and back with little to no media comprehension that makes a goddamn preschooler look like Socrates, or overanalyze everything to the point where they then get pissed that their hyper-specific headcanon isn't canon and there is BARELY any in between.

Sonic: Folks really needs to stop treating the classic games like they're some godly piece of media that cannot be considered bad and that the modern games have ruined them. Ya'll just never played Rush.

Panty and Stocking: Stocking is absolutely more of a sex-freak than Panty is and you will never change this.

Exes: Cringe culture may be dead, but by god ya'll need to come up with better ideas. Stop tryin' to be Lord X 2.0

Hazbin / Helluva: The excuse that Hazbin is for women and Helluva is for dudes is bullshit, let Millie DO something for once.

Studio Trigger: They should honestly make a sequel series to Klk and just go even more nutso than they did the first time around.

Undertale / Deltarune: People overhype Spamton and Jevil a bit too much considering they may not even be relevant in the final release. They're pretty cool though.

Persona: A lot of these games are unfortunately pretty fuckin' dated when it comes to the shit happening in them - I'm sorry folks but Atlas are kinda shitty when it comes to how they portray anyone that isn't straight.

Super Mario Bros: Dimentio is the best Mario villain and you cannot convince me otherwise.

Dragon Ball: When was the last time any of us actually had fun with this series? Like be honest.

3. What rp trends are you so over and can’t wait for it to die?

Honestly it's the fact that there's really little to no accessibility for finding icons these days. A lot of folks seem to say "Do it yourself" which like, fair dues, but at the same time...Maybe some folks kinda want to be able to do other things outside of slaving away in a photo editing program for hours on end?

5. A ship everyone in the fandom you’re in loves, but you can’t stand? (any fandom for 5 and 2)

This one I'll be more concise with, cuz there's a lot of fandoms I listed: I honestly think that a lot of ships are fine? The only ones that I can think of are those made out of spite or just seem spiteful in nature. Like erasing characters' sexualities or shit like that.

's weird yo.

10. Any fandom(s) you don’t want to rp in or crossover to?

USUALLY I'm pretty open but like...I guess the best example is fandoms for shows that are v e r y kid oriented. Like, I understand some of ya'll are enjoying shows like Bluey and that one with the sentient numbers and...stuff like that?

I DON'T THINK you wanna have some of my muses just sorta showing up and causing shit.

That being said if any of ya'll wanna ask if I'm OK with your fandom and such then just hmu in DMs.

20. If you’re feeling salty right now, this ask gives you a free reign to pour out your frustration.

Honestly the only salt I be feeling is when I go to make myself something that takes about 30 seconds and then being told to leave the kitchen by your older siblings. Like, it takes 30 second to cook this shit gimme some room damn you.

#staticmonitor #{ ;; Words of Wisdom...? | AD Speaks }#{ ;; THE STAGE OF HISTORY | Asks }

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inkykeiji · 1 year

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Would you be willing to dissect dazai's character on here? I just find it soooo hard to understand him, his motivations and how genuine he actually is, how much of the emotions he portrays are fabricated and which ones are genuine. And how terrifying is the thought that he truly doesnt feel lime he is human (like does that come from not connecting with them and feeling so alianated from the mundane human concerns, or is it rooted deeper? Does he care about the people around him? Is it truly care? Is he even capable of it?). I always find it interesting when other people discuss their opinions on characters and i feel like you have a very unique way to dive into the psyche of each character you write for (and also as i mentioned dazai just goes way over my head)

oooh interesting question anon! my answer is rambly and is mostly just me splatting my thoughts all over this ask SO beware of that! <3

so i have actually already begun a section in my notebook/docs for him + my analysis of his character but as this is a pastime that i usually enjoy doing just for myself and keeping private i don’t think i’d share like, the entire thing (also it’ll end up being several thousand words by the time it’s done HAHA). additionally, since i have yet to consume all of the media associate with bsd i don’t feel like i can even fully dissect him; i can only offer the opinions i have on him at the moment based on what i’ve consumed/know—which right now is only the anime!

but!!!!!! with that being said i do love discussing character and sharing my thoughts on them when it comes to specific subjects/questions if that makes sense??? so if you ever have any specific questions and you’d like to know my personal thoughts on them i’m always more than open to sharing them!

like with what you’ve said here, for example, in regards to his emotions. i agree that he’s extremely complex, almost to the point of being convoluted, and he holds his cards very close to his chest. it seems like it would be incredibly difficult for someone to get genuinely close to him—and i mean like really close, like close enough to the point of him actually letting his guard down and taking off the several masks he wears throughout the day and kind of being fully himself and baring his authentic soul—but i do think that he’s sincere at least some of the time, and i think that he’s more authentic with the ADA than he ever was with the mafia, excluding oda who i think knew him better and more deeply than anyone else in the world ever has.

i can’t even begin to fathom your more complex questions about feeling human etc because i still feel like i haven’t dug into the material enough to give a deep enough answer tbh!

personally i believe that he’s moral greyness personified. i think he really doesn’t give a fuck about good or about evil, and i think he’s easily capable of both in great capacities. it really just depends on which he sets his mind on, whichever one he decides to be that day. i believe he has an immense amount of both within him and i don’t think his evil and sadistic tendencies just up and disappeared; it appears that he can switch between the two with astonishing ease whenever he wants to. to me it’s very clear that he has only decided to do good and focus on good purely because his best friend, and the one person it seemed like he truly, genuinely, deeply cared for, told him to do it. it isn’t like dazai had some sort of epiphany or a profound change of heart on his own that made him suddenly want to be better; it was just his best friend’s dying wish that he put his abilities and his intelligence towards doing good, and so that’s what he’s doing. and i think it’s THAT that motivates him more than anything else. it’s that oda said hey look i know you don’t care about either, so for me, go do some good in this world, and that dazai is honouring that because he loved him.

i think this also stems from guilt, too; from being unable to save oda, so he feels like this is next best thing—this is the least he can do for him, to honour him and to honour his death.

jumping back to his emotions being genuine, i think that his tendency to bother others purely for his own amusement is an inherent + authentic trait (because we see him do it on BOTH sides); i think he does genuinely care for atsushi and for the agency, i think he is capable of those positive emotions in some capacity because, again, oda is a prime example of him being able to FEEL things—to feel genuine and fundamental human emotions, even if he doesn’t feel them often or feel them with the intensity that others do. which is why i don’t think we can classify him as a true psychopath—i definitely believe he is stellar at mimicking emotions 100% and can do so whenever the situation calls for it (he’s so obviously a fantastic and skilled liar), but i think he does have the capacity to truly feel real things, too. and he fully understands morality and society’s collective moral compass, even if he himself doesn’t really care for it either way/doesn’t really personally lean one way or another.

i think it’s really hard to tell which of his emotions are genuine and which are fabricated but i also think that if you use the question of ‘okay, is he lying here for the sake of his own plan succeeding/is he purposefully withholding information here’ is a good start at indicating whether or not he’s being genuine. for example, the way he treats higuchi when he first meets her!we now know in hindsight that he was only acting the way he did towards her so he could slip that lil radio thingie in her pocket and spy on her; to watch and see how things play out before interfering or jumping to conclusions.

i’m sorry this is such a chaotic mess HAHA he really is so so so complex and i’m still sifting through all of my own thoughts and interpretation/analysis of him as i continue to consume more of the series itself. anyway, these are my thoughts at the moment based on the information i have! they may change slightly in the future as i wade deeper into the material, but yeah! <3

#anyway these are my thoughts currently based on the info i have!#he is so so so complex and i can’t wait to start diving into how i personally think he’d react to someone he’s genuinely in love with after #i finish with my initial analysis and breakdown of him #because he would be SO interesting in a relationship #hopefully some of this makes sense waaaaah apologies it’s so all over the place #there’s a LOT to dig into with dazai; every single action + emotion + word MEANS something #ugh i love him so much <333333333 #have a fabulous day anon bb and stay safe + hydrated!!!#inky.bb #clari gets mail #inky.bsd #inky.dazai

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lordwoolselytaxservices · 6 months

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I need to… vent(?) about something for a moment so bare with me.

I see on a pretty regular basis “Reblog if it’s okay to make art of your fan fic!” Or “If you want people to interact with your OCs, you need to make content about them!” Or “Make content/art/fanfic for your OCs for you! Not for others!” And though I understand the sentiment, and I don’t think any ill will is intended, it’s kind of disheartening when you already do those things and get zero traction.

It makes me feel very much like a little kid who’s begging her mom/dad/etc to please just look at this thing I made at school today because I’m really proud of it and I like it and them just ignoring me or scoffing.

Absolutely I make the content (I hate that word but honestly, it’s what it is) for my OCs for myself. 100% I do. I created them for me. But when I share that with others and nobody looks, that’s such a downer to feel like nobody wants to share in your joy with you about something you’ve created. It makes it hard to participate and share in fandom when you always feel like the weird kid that everyone ignores.

I’m not always great at interacting either, even among my friends I have a hard time keeping track of everyone’s characters and traits and things they say about them. But I do try to the best of my ability. What I can say though, at least for me, is that it’s a lot easier to interact with other people’s character/content/etc when there is also a shared interest in what I’m creating.

I’m not perfect by any means so take everything with a grain of salt. But it just makes me sad because even just a couple of years ago there was so much more positive interaction and it seems like every time you turn around these days people are just asking for simple interaction but everyone is so drained and there’s so much fighting within fandom more than there is for the happiness it brings us.

Maybe it’s the elder millennial in me, but it always gives me pause when I see people just bare knuckle boxing about the most minute things. Why can’t people just like what they like? If you don’t like it, then don’t interact with the content in that capacity and move on. Very few of the subjects I see at the core of the discourse that goes around are things no one will give two shits about within a year, definitely not within a couple years or longer. It’s not something that will affect the health and wellbeing of others, it’s just a difference in opinion. Why let it bring you down and enrage you so much when you could just ignore it and enjoy it the way that you see fit and let others do it the way that they choose?

Social media did a wonderful thing by allowing us to connect. But when that connection becomes a reason for people to be hostile towards others because they think that character would never like this character and you say they’d be best friends it’s honestly so disheartening. Have your opinions, have your preferences, headcanons, what have you but just let others have their own and respect that fact that you see it differently and it makes no difference because it doesn’t apply to you. There’s an old(?) saying: “if the shoes fits.” If that shoe doesn’t fit you, then it wasn’t meant for you. And you don’t need to rage reblog/comment because it doesn’t. Just move on and appreciate it as a difference in opinion. I’m not saying some of it isn’t valid or problematic. I’m just saying that a lot of it in the grand scheme of things isn’t worth the energy that people but into it.

Fandom saved me when I was in a really dark place. To watch it die the way that it has been just makes me so incredibly sad and depressed. I certainly don’t have any of the answers but I hope that some day it can get back to what it was: a place for people to share in the joy that it brings them and to share in the joy it brings others.

(I’m totally not traumatized by the examples mentioned either 😅)

#I’m in a mood today #a moody mood #fandom #discourse #robie talks

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sapphicmartian · 9 months

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Some thoughts I had this summer during the Women's World cup. (don't take this too seriously it is supposed to be funny)

So you may or may not know that like a year or two ago I got really into soccer, I was REALLY INTO IT!!! For about a summer, 3 months if that. Like I was so much into it that I went to two soccer practices for my local league and then quit. Look mate I was on a team and shit……. but only for two days, (didn’t even make it to play a proper game) But I like REALLY prided myself on the fact I was watching sports for the first time and like enjoying sport, instead of like just sitting there and pretending I know what’s going on! But you see friends, at the time I was watching men’s soccer.

It was the 2020 Euro Cup (which was actually in 2021) I was so obsessed with England I knew like most of the players names, look, I’m wearing my jersey right now! England came in second. Once school started up again the time zones made it hard to keep up with the Premier League (excuses, excuses, excuses) but really it was more or less that I was slowly losing interest. And I mean that was destined to happen because honestly I don’t give a shit too much about sport…never really have… until that year. So I stopped keeping up with it. It began to feel like a chore. I’d rather watch Ted Lasso!

There was barely a storyline; these men were giving me nothing. Now I didn’t know they were giving me nothing, because I do think they are very talented and entertaining lads, don’t get me wrong I won’t put it past them. For fucks sake they are professional athletes. Good for them! But now I know they have NOTHING on Women's soccer!

Do you know how many of the players in the 2022 Men’s World Cup were openly gay?

……I’ll wait…. Got your answer…..yeah you are right! ZERO! Do you know how many openly gay Women there are in the Women's World Cup this year? AT LEAST 87!!!!!! RECORD BREAKING NUMBERS!!!!!! So yeah I knew there were a lot of lesbians, bisexuals, queer, LGBTQ+ people in women's sports. I hadn’t researched though, they all looked gay to me cause there uniforms, how was I to know? I also kind of thought it was a stereotype. Like an over exaggeration maybe……I AM STUPID! Holy heck on toast they are like multiple players dating each other! I'm not kidding. This is a crossover event where we have couples playing against each other in the world cup. THE TENSION! THE ROMANCE! THE STORYLINE OF IT ALL!

HELLO? This is peak lesbianism! This is more than anything men could give me. This is literally fanfiction, no? This is real life. God damn it! Honestly I just need to stop complaining about WLW representation in the media, this right here is the only representation I need. No but really this is great. This is historic, and brings me so much queer joy! I just love it!

Now maybe you're not gay, maybe you are? Maybe you don’t fucking care about sexuality and you just want to watch sports. Well guess what you are in luck! Especially if you are Team U.S.A! These players, these fucking athelets. INCREDIBLE! Alex Morgan is a superhuman. But hey maybe it’s because I don’t do sports and just can’t comprehend how someone can be that athletic. No matter the gender, when I watch soccer I want to play, and then I get out the ball and I’m like how do they do this!

I can’t go on forever cause I have just barely seen the tip of the iceberg. Let me tell you I started getting into all of this properly last night! So if you want incredible commentary for the gayness this world cup is giving us, please go over to @jcubedhax on Tiktok.

I have just gone and fixed my sleep schedule for the summer, but yeah I think it is about to be destroyed by this tournament. I will be cheering for the Lioness tonight

THAT'S RIGHT I will be up at 3:30 AM watching the game!!!! (LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO)

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introvertbard · 1 year

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I don’t mention this a lot or I’d be constantly miserable in public instead of just “squishing down the nagging emotional pain that never leaves,” so here’s a read-more cut to keep my despair-venting off of people’s news feeds.

—

So I’ve been searching for day-jobs that I don’t want for a full year now, and nothing has bitten yet. I don’t fuck with day-jobs, but I know I need them for money.

Meanwhile, I used to ask “anyone remotely connected to art, Filipino stuff, or both” how I can get my Filipino urban-fantasy writing anywhere past the stage of “begging people on social media to read my prose while I ask someone to check out my scripts or if they’re looking for new writers,” because that barely worked either. I think I’ve asked half the “Asian/Filipino orgs” in the Bay Area about my writing by now.

Emails. Dms. Clumsy marketing posts. I have so many of them. I got worn out posting about my stuff only to get like the same five loyal people responding, and I didn’t want to keep sending emails or dms to companies and sound annoying/desperate, so I stopped.

I would love to write/act for a living and live in my own place like a Real Adult would finally do, but nothing has gone anywhere.

I don’t want the public to read my shit after I’m fifty years old or dead. It’s just word-vomit first drafts or concept art right now. I would like for the public to read, produce, or otherwise WORK WITH my stuff while I’m mostly young enough to enjoy it.

Sometimes I feel like the only way to get people who Can Actually Work With My Writing to look at my stuff is to like… sit people down and FORCE THEM to read it, which I really don’t want.

But like, I cannot stop writing. I stopped TALKING ABOUT IT, but I still WRITE. I have dozens of projects on my laptop becides the three big ones I used to talk about. I’m not really good at anything BUT writing, either. This is why I can’t stand day-jobs anymore, because even if I’m okay at them, I never want to DO THEM.

I don’t know if I did something wrong in my current life, or a past one, or if I pissed off whichever gods are out there.

People don’t even reject my work—I usually get NO response, or something like, “sorry, our writing slots are full right now” and then I have to brace myself to email the next person and wait for 6-12 business weeks for… nothing again.

So like, my life for the past few years has been a constant stream of “nothing happened, despite my efforts. I don’t know how to get out of this, and I don’t know why things aren’t-happening, and I don’t know if anything I do matters anymore. I should go into the forest and not come back for a while.”

Disclaimer: I know that’s not a good idea, and I’m not thinking about that in a suicidal way. It’s in a, “NOTHING IS HAPPENING ANYWAY. I COULD VANISH FOR THREE FUCKING YEARS, WATCH THE TREES DROP LEAVES AND MAKE ACORNS, AND JUST COME BACK TO THE SAME SHIT” way, if that makes sense.

End of despair-venting.

Whoever read at least some of this, thanks in advance.

#writing #art #art struggles

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sadlypathetic11 · 1 year

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Journal Entry #1

A PEEK INTO MY THOUGHTS

Let me begin by telling you that I’m on the verge of a meltdown. All the tensions and emotions bottled up since my last one are showing signs of being wanted to let out. My last one, I couldn’t even remember. I’ve always been like this; keeping everything to myself until I can’t take it anymore. I don’t even understand how I’m still sane with all the intrusive thoughts inside my brain. Or I’m probably not. Maybe everyone thinks I’m crazy, maybe they don’t, or maybe they just don’t care at all and I’m just an assuming loser.

But why am I about to break down? I think the disappointments in myself have been growing and growing ever since the world began. I keep telling myself, “You need to grow,” and all that stuff but I don’t think I am or I ever will. I’m too scared for that. I just want to stay in my comfort zone, for my peace of mind. But my comfort zone doesn’t get me anywhere, and I hate that I know that. Why does life have to be so complicated? Why can’t I be just like everyone else who seems to have gotten their shits together? And people younger than me! (It’s funny my brain tells me to stop comparing myself to others.)

But let’s be honest, I’m 26, barely employed at a barely livable salary, recently single for reasons I’m still trying to comprehend though I’m the one who broke it off, literally achieved nothing other than finishing school and earning professional licenses that I don’t even know how to use. I’m close to 30 and I still live with my family, too tired to cook my own meal or wash my own clothes, too scared to do things on my own. Hell, I just tried ordering food online earlier today and it took me forever to hit that “Place Order” button just for the anxiety of it.

Meanwhile, if you look at the social media posts of people I used to go to school with or former workmates or just people within my age range, it’s too hard not to compare myself to them. I just deactivated my Facebook because it wasn’t healthy for me anymore. They seem to have decent jobs with probably decent pay that every month they get to go on these travel sprees or just have food parties every freaking day. And I wonder why can’t I do that? Why don’t I have the spare money to experience these luxuries? I mean, I’m also working but why don’t I get to enjoy life?

Oh yeah I forgot, I’m mostly the only one working for the family. That’s probably it. I’ve already gotten used to getting messages from everyone in the family: I need this. I need that. Pay for this. Give me this. Give me that. There are times when I just ignore them. But only when I really have nothing to give anymore. Thankfully, there’s my aunt who’s in the province (we’re in the city) who pays for my family’s rent for the apartment. And my grandmother also hustles as a nanny and that pays the electric and water bill. So I’m in charge of their daily budget and it pains me that I can only give them P1000 per week since I have bills of my own: my dorm rent (since my workplace is far from the apartment so I have to rent as well), a life insurance, internet, my sister’s phone since she “lost” hers so I bought her one, and my own daily budget.

It’s not that I’m complaining, I just want them to understand that I can’t give them everything. My grandmother always has these luxurious thoughts in mind. If she could, I think she’d want to travel to our province and back every now and then. She’d buy every appliance she could think of. How do I know? Well, she passive-aggressively says stuff. Compare her life to her friends’ lives. And I’d just pretend I couldn’t hear, or if I can’t listen to her talk anymore, I’d scream at her. Kinda disrespectful, I know. But she’s provoking me and my insecurities that I’m trying really hard to work on.

My grandmother and grandfather on the father’s side were the ones who raised me since my mother died shortly after giving birth to me. (Where was my father? We’ll get to that I hope.) I felt loved and cared for, but too much, I realized now. I remember them giving me everything I wanted without hesitation like toys or food. I remember them being overprotective of me like when there was a disagreement with playmates they were always to the rescue. Maybe that’s also a reason why I grew up very dependent on them. And a part of me blames them for that.

They were also too proud of me. I was an achiever back in elementary school. I was always the top student from the first to sixth grade. I was the school representative for various competitions but I didn’t really get to regional levels due to lack of training, I guess. Or maybe I was just delusional to believe I had what it takes to reach the end of the competitions. Anyway, I ended up being the valedictorian with probably thirteen medals I couldn’t even remember what for. And throughout my elementary days, I would always hear them say I am their hope of raising them from the hell they were living in. Imagine hearing that every time. At some point, you would start to believe it as well.

I got into a good high school and university, thinking that would land me a good job. That hopefully companies would fight over me since literally every one who knew I went there said so. But when I graduated (without any honorary award), there were no calls. And I’m like, “That’s disappointing. Now what?” And I spent six months just trying to pretend I didn’t need to work. That I’m taking my time, because life is not a race and all that bullshit. But the bills weren’t waiting for me. So it definitely was a race.

And it was during this time of unemployment that I started getting disappointed in myself. I was also disappointed in myself when I was studying, but at least there was an opportunity to redeem myself during the next exam, during the final grade or whatever. After graduation, the only way to redeem myself is to get a job. It gave me a lot of anxiety, all the interviews that didn’t progress, the questions I wasn’t prepared for, applying for jobs completely unrelated to my course but still couldn’t get in. I was like, “Shit. Something’s probably wrong with me.” I wouldn’t even probably get hired to clean the toilets!

I ended up getting a job. Minimum wage. Pretending to be thankful but feeling deflated that my six years of tertiary education only led me to a minimum wage job. I felt like I wasted six freaking years of my life. But still, my image was a carefree and always happy person, so I had to pretend I was happy with my salary. My family was not though. So, I just tell them I love what I was doing (I did, actually) and just to support me. But really, I didn’t want to go through the process of getting rejected again and again. I ended up lasting three years there (I have stories to tell from when I was there).

I’ve only been three months in my new job and I already want to leave. I’m not enjoying what I’m doing, dealing with a lot of people every day but the salary is not that very different from my previous one. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t left. But there’s more to it than the salary and we’ll get to that pretty soon. For now, I want to let it out that I don’t want to settle for less. But I’m too cowardly to make a move. And I hate myself for that.

God, I don’t even know what move to make. My grandmother’s always putting this idea in my head to work overseas. Hell, I can barely live within 2 hours away. What more when I can’t even visit once a month, a year? I know I just need to be confident but is there a manual for that? I’m too tired of being scared. I’m too tired of pretending to be content with what I got. I’m too mentally tired to take on all the pressure of being a breadwinner.

If I could just disappear for a moment and not think about all my disappointments and anxieties, that would be great. But you can’t, I can’t. Life throws shit at you and it’s up to you what to do with it: dodge, get hit, or throw it back. And right now, I’m feeling very shitty after all the beating I got. I want to learn how to fight back and rise. I want the day to come when I can tell myself, “I’m proud of you.” And I hope I get to write something about that soon.

#disappointed #anxiety #introvert #poor

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garaksapprentice · 2 years

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Today's Knitting is Brought to You By Sleep Deprivation

I had grand plans when I woke up to Get Stuff Done. The world is technically still on holidays, so this is the perfect time to sneak in some good, long writing and weaving sessions. I managed both yesterday. (I was the only human moving in the house for the entire morning. I watered the plants and set up the mister for the chickens, then hit the workroom and didn’t come out for four hours. It was glorious.)

Unfortunately, I slept like absolute crap last night. The weather was obscenely hot yesterday - 37ºC at 5pm - and I sleep on the west side of the house. It was barely down to 28ºC by bedtime, even with a good southerly breeze and a fan pointing directly at me. I kept waking up, tossing, turning, and generally having a terrible time of it. Even some lackadaisical morning gardening and a decent coffee didn’t help.

So I scrapped the “Get Stuff Done” plan, in favour of the far more restful “dick around the house reading and scrolling social media” backup. On the plus side, I finished Sweep of the Blade (Innkeeper Chronicles book 4) by Ilona Andrews before the library took it back. On the minus, I either wait six weeks for my hold on the newest book in the series, or I experience sweet, sweet instant gratification via my Amazon credit.

One nice thing about reading is that I can work on (some) knitted projects at the same time. All the other fibre stuff I do requires my eyeballs to keep things on track. So one of the vests I’m working on finally saw some love for the first time in months.

It’s about five inches longer than it started today, and right about the time I need to stick the live stitches on a thread and try it on for length. I suspect it will still need another inch or three - I want it a touch longer than my current favourite vest, so it hits the top of my jeans/belt properly and keeps my back a bit warmer. I also haven’t given much thought to the edge (though a nice simple 1x1 rib is always a good option).

Once that’s sorted it’s just armbands and a neck band, weave in a few ends, and enjoy one less WIP on the pile. (Shrinking the size of Area 52 is one of my goals for this year. It’s gotten really quite out of hand, and it’s stressing me.)

I’m slightly concerned about the sizing, too, but at this point I’m not averse to felting it down to size if it’s a touch too large. The weatherproofing would be helpful since it’s destined to be a house vest, and house vests often end up worn in the cold, windy rain in around here.

Speaking of WIPs...

After a ~5 year break, I’m back to using Habitica for day-to-day task management. While the vast majority of my project/task management happens in Obsidian (love that app), I found I needed some distance between “everything that I ever need to do, whether today or five years from now” and “stuff I need to get done within the next week or so".

Both my needs and attitude towards task management have changed a lot over the last few years, so I was hesitant to go back to it, but for right now it meets 95% of my needs. It helps that the elder child is old enough to start learning to manage their own stuff, instead of me. The gamification (especially the pets) is catnip to them. Our little two-person party is doing pretty well for a perpetually-stressed adult with too many responsibilities, and an ADHD homeschooled tween with no sense of time.

And, because I just can’t fkn help myself, I joined a Guild. Just one. I learned my lesson from last time. Overwhelm is the shortest path to a quick death for any system. Of course, I have no sense of restraint, so I joined the New Years Resolutions guild. As the name implies, it features monthly challenges to help you plan, set, and work on yearly goals. I traditionally have a few of those, so *shrug* decided to tag along for the ride. Which leads me to...

#HabiticaResolutions

One of the tasks for this month’s Challenge is to post your goals on social media. Historically, I like to keep things close to the chest, since what I decide to do with my life is between me and me. But, in the spirit of experimentation, I decided to give it a go this year. (There’s a version of the Challenge that doesn’t have the “post to social media” task, so you can opt out of it if you really don’t want to share.)

Thus, my goals for this year:

Finish my current novel/write at least 50,000 words of fiction

Work on improving my writing skills via further education

Publish at least one blog post a month

Spend ~2.5 hours per week working on my weaving skills

Finish at least 12 WIPs (1 per month) from Area 52

Make some clothes for me, not just for the kids (at least 2 items)

Yesterday I wrote a touch over 500 words, and spent not quite 1.5 hours weaving. And now I’m throwing a blog post out there. (Tumblr totally counts, right? It’s easier to use than “real” blogging platforms...) So while I’m bummed that I didn’t have the super productive day I envisioned this morning, I’m still happy with how things are going.

#wip #knitting #habiticaresolutions #new year resolutions #tumblr is actually great though #and so is sleep #sleep is the best #fibre arts #fiber arts

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iwadori · 3 years

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When they neglect you for another girl Part 4 (Sakusa)

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five

Word Count: 2.6K

Genre: Angst to Fluff

masterlist

AN: YES I DID PUT MYSELF IN THIS STORY! SUE ME. This is basically inspired by a random conversation i had w the great @teesumu, so this is basically for you doll <3

Sakusa:

You and Sakusa have been together for a around 10 years and love eachother immensly.

However recently Sakusa has been busy and you havent really had much time together lately as he claims been busy doing loads of visits with his new agent.

But of course, being the loving partner you are you wanted to revive the spark in your relationship.

You have been seeing a lot of people on social media posting their aesthetic ‘picnic dates,’ and you knew that this was something that appealed to you before it was ‘on trend.’ Kiyoomi immediately came to your mind once you had the idea of going on a date. You knew that you haven’t be around each other lately, as Kiyoomi always had either a ‘meeting’ or some sort of ‘interview’ that his new agent “Empress” has set up for him.

You didn’t really know Empress that well, just that she was ‘good at her job,’ a ‘hard and dilligent worker,’ and a ‘raging hottie’ with Atsumu’s opinion being the last one. You weren’t suspecting her to have any malicious intent towards you or Kiyoomi, since you knew that he had a great judge of character. But it was just odd, that every time Kiyoomi was running late or having ‘super-secret’ conversations on the phone it was always because ‘my agent set up this,’ ‘my agent set up that,’ and that’s what left you a bit wary.

As you were scrolling through your phone you see a calendar updating saying : Next Week‘ A DECADE AGO WE FELL IN LOVE.’

10 years. How could you forget? You and Omi have literally been together for a decade. You think back to the decade of madness and love you’ve been through together, smiling fondly to yourself but then you think about where you are now... barely even talking to each other, only mainly seeing him when he comes home from work.

You need to fix this. Or at least make an attempt to get you and Kiyoomi talking again. So, the only thing you can do, is plan that picnic.

You spent the rest of the day planning your anniversary picnic. ’It’s going to be great,’ you think to yourself, you have a list of all Omi’s favorite foods you're going to make him and bring and you are probably going to pick up a few board games and maybe even get some paint supplies. You and Kiyoomi used to paint a lot together, with the two of you not being the best of painters, but you enjoyed eachothers company non the less.

Everything was sorted...for the most part. All you needed to do was get Omi there, and it’ll all be okay. Right? As you were bubbling and looking for more picnic inspo, you hear your front door open which made you even more excited to tell your boyfriend your plans.

As you rush to go greet him, you see he’s on the phone making you roll your eyes. “No Empress it won’t work, we need this sorted by next week. Okay? Next week.” he says in an agitated way. He hangs up the phone and sighs, shoving off his duffel bag.

“Hey Omi, how was your day?” you say a bit hesitant, noticing his annoyed mood.

“Fine” He said dismissively, aiming to walk past you aiming for your bedroom.

“Oh well I have something amazing planned for ne-” you try to say following after him.

“Can we not do this right now Y/N,” he says again turning too look at you making you frown a bit, all you wanted to do is surprise him with your plans and have a day out with him. After noticing your sad look he finishes with “it’s just that Empress she’s bee-”

“I don’t want to hear about her.” you say bitterly folding your arms, Empress is the last person you want to hear about right now “God Omi can’t you just care about me? For once.”

“I do I-”

“You don’t anymore,” you say, with all the emotions and feelings you’ve been just supressing from a while coming up. You don’t even know how you got from point A to B with this conversation, but there's no stopping now. “I feel that, for a while now we haven’t been how we were before when we were just Y/N and Kiyoomi. Instead of how we are now. Just Y/N. Then Kiyoomi and Empress.”

After hearing his agents name, Kiyoomi’s name contorts to confusion “Empress? What does she have to do with anything?”

“How can you not see? For the past month all it’s been is ‘Empress this’ ‘Empress that,’” you complain “Having your super secret conversations with her, like god Kiyoomi can’t you see a problem with this?”

“It’s not like that Y/N, we’re just work partners” he says looking a bit annoyed “Just business.”

“Just business? So Kiyoomi, what were you talking about on the phone earlier” you say with your voice slight accusingly.

“Umm I, I can’t really say?” he says more of a question then a fully assured statement. You squint your eyes at him and scoff.

“What is going on with you Omi?” you say “are you cheating on me with her is that it?”

“No, no of course not Y/N! How could you even ask that?” he frowned at your question making your chest hurt, since deep down you knew he could never do that to you. Could he?

“Well tell me then, what were you talking about?” you ask again.

“I can’t say..” he finishes

“Well I can’t stay.” you say and his face goes back to confusion “Here. With you.”

“What do you mean Y/-”

“I need a break or something. I just can’t be here right now.” You start to rush and pack a big of things whilst Kiyoomi just stands there.

After you pack up your stuff, you look back and see Kiyoomi just there. Standing. You were upset, you kind of wanted him to rush after you and beg you not to leave, but he was just there. Standing. So you put the hand on the door and just before you leave you turn back and say “bye Sakusa, see you later?” to which you see him slightly nod at.

When the door shut, Kiyoomi starts to cry. After hearing you call him by his last name really twisted the knife that was already in his heart. You haven’t called him that since you were like 15. He knew what you wanted; he knew you wanted him to rush towards you and beg you not to leave, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. But what he could do is call the one person he only could call.

After a few rings, he hears “What do you need Saku?”

“She’s gone, she left.”

“What do you mean she’s gone, did you tell her?”

“No I didn’t tell her. And that’s the problem, Empress she think-”

“Saku, don’t worry about it. I’ll handle it.”

“You’ll handle it?”

“Don’t I always?”

He couldn’t argue with that, he just had to trust that Empress could sort it. “And also, don’t spend the week with your head up your ass crying, you’ve got a lot of grovelling to do kiddo.”

He nodded even though she couldn’t see him, as he knew that what just went down needed to be resolved, fast.

Meanwhile, on your end. You’re a mess. Sobbing all the time, tissues are your best friend, you’ve been waiting just waiting for a message or a call, or some form of communication. You just wanted to feel wanted by your boyfriend (can you even call him that now.)

You spent the rest of the week at your parents, immersing yourself in your work and doing ‘self care’ things, trying to forget all about the argument you and Kiyoomi had.

One day, you receive a letter, it wasn’t delivered by a mail man though. It was slid under your door, in a golden envelope sealed with a red hot wax seal. It read:

‘Dear Y/N,

My sweetheart, im sorry for how the week has been and I know a letter with only a fraction of how I feel won’t make up for how I acted that day. But im inviting you to join me at the Gardenia Botanical Gardens at 2 pm tommorow, to celebrate our 10 year anniversary.

I know there is a big chance, you may not want to see me and I understand but please. I love you, so so much, that words can’t even describe. But I need you to see me apologise and I need to make it up to you.

I hope to see you there, I’d wait the whole day for you. If you don’t show, I understand.

Sincerely, Sakusa Kiyoomi

P.S The theme is ‘summer hot day, tea with the queen’ - Atsumu’

You smile at the letter, but wonder if you should actually go or not. You did want to see him of course and get this all resolved, but you had your own plans for your anniversary which wouldn’t of been spoiled if he didn’t withhold his super-secret phone calls.

It took you hours to contemplate on what to do, but you decided to just sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow. In the morning, you knew what you wanted to do. Of course, you had to go, at least to hear him out and see if he really did cheat on you or not. For all you know he’s inviting you to tell you that he’s going to run away with his agent and his secret kids they had together. You shook the negative thoughts from your head and just repeated your mantra ‘hope for the best and prepare for the worst.’

When you got there, you didn’t exactly know where he would be but he said ‘botanical gardens’ so of course you decided to just wander around there. It was nice walking around and just smelling the roses, and seeing the pretty scenery.

“Excuse me ma’am,” you hear someone say tugging on your leg “um that mister over there told me to give you these.” Looking down, you see a small boy who looked about the age of four with a crumpled up bunch of roses handing them to you.

“Oh thank you,” you say giving the kid a head pat “where is this ‘mister’ might I ask?”

“He’s over there!” The kid pointed behind him and you look to see Kiyoomi sitting under a white gazebo which is surrounded in your favorite flowers and the table is filled with food.

You walk over to your ‘boyfriend,’ with him not noticing your present yet. When you reach him you say “I think she stood you up buddy,” you joke making him jump abit startled.

“Y/N!” he exclaimed, instantly beaming “You came you made it!” he stood up and pulled you into a hug, which you return before you remember why you came here in the first place.

“Oh I-” he says awkwardly

You decide to sit down pulling him down with you. You kind of sit there in uncomfortable silence, for a while until you both say.

“So I-”

“What are yo-”

You both laughed at your simultaneous comments, before Kiyoomi looks at you letting you speak. “What did you want to bring me here for?”

“I didn’t want, what happened last week to happen Y/N I-” he says looking a bit panicked “It wasn’t supposed to go this way.”

“Then how was it meant to go Sakusa.”

“Y/N, please don’t call me that, I know I made you upset but pleas-” he starts before getting distracted again “Y/N, I called you here to say a few things..”

“Them being.?” you ask a bit impatiently.

“I love you. I love you so much, you don’t even understand. Ever since I saw you at my volleyball game in our first year, in the stands just cheering us on. I knew that from that day, after I scored the winning point and our eyes met, that we were destined to be together. I just love you so much Y/N”

“Omi I don’t understand I-”

“Just let me finish please, It’s taken a while for me to say this. And trust me, there’s been so many times when I wanted to just say ‘hey Y/N let’s get married,’ but I couldn’t I was scared, and I wanted it to be perfect, so perfect. Because you deserve the world Y/N. That’s why I got Empress to help, I know that our conversations may seem odd, but I love you and she knows that she just wanted to help trust me. And she did, all this wouldn’t of been done if it wasn’t for her. But anyways Y/N what I waned to say was I love you and I love you and I-” he rambles on loosing track of his words.

But in the midst of his speech, you hear all that you needed and responded with the only way you can.

“Yes.” you say simply, with a growing smile on your face.

“Yes?” he repeats confused “What do you meann ye- ohhh" Kiyoomi blushes embarrased that after all that he ended up ruining the thought out proposal he wanted to give you with his ramble.

“Im sorry Y/N, I didn’t mean to say it like that I wanted it to be perfect and I-”

You shut him up with a kiss making his eyes widen as he reciprocates it anyways.

“What did she say?” you hear someone shout from a far, and you look over to see the MSBY Jackals all standing there with shit eating grins on their faces.

“I said yes!” you yell back, to which they all cheer and rush towards you guys giving you both hugs and slapping Kiyoomi on the back.

As the boys celebrate Omi finnally do what he’s been planning for ages, you get approached by Empress who awkwardly walks up to you. “ I didn’t want to leave the impression that me and Saku were any sort of thing?” she says

“Yeah I think it was definitely a big misunderstanding, it’s just that Omi was never around and whenever he was he was just talking to you and you know how it is.”

“I definitely know, I’d feel the same way if my boyfriend did that to me.”

“Oooh boyfriend?” you ask her feeling nosey on her romantic life.

“Yeah boyfriend. You know iwaizumi hajime... the trainer?” she says smiling a bit when she said his name.

“The trainer! Nice.”

The rest of the night was fun and was basically an engagement party for you and Omi all you and friends just partying and celebrating yours and Omi’s love for each other. “Omi” you say getting his attention “Happy ten year anniversary babe”

“Happy anniversary, I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

After the party you spend your months now planning for a big fat wedding, with the help of your new found bestie, Empress (who you obviously misjudged from the start.) You and Omi could never be happier, every thing was back to how it was before, maybe even better. And you definitely spent at least two Saturdays a month going out for picnics and it was now a tradition in your relationship, so in the end you did get your ‘aesthetic picnic date.’

AN: WHAT DID U GUYS THINK??

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x reader comfort #haikyuu fluff #sakusa x you #sakusa headcanons #haikyu angst #sakusa fluff #sakusa x reader #sakusa oneshot #haikyu sakusa #signedwithane😌

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kdinjenzen · 2 years

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I hope this is alright to ask, but do you have any advice on staying motivated and persevering in what you want to do?

I’ve graduated college and been trying to work my way into the art industry and as a content creator but it feels like it’s hopeless for me. Like I can’t keep up with how fast social media moves, I can’t get engagement no matter how much I try to put myself out there, and it feels like no one is ever going to give me a chance for a job. I know being patient and humble, and you should make things for yourself, I appreciate the little engagements that I do get with all my heart. And I would never give up doing what I love but I just feel like I’m never going to get anywhere and sometimes think “what’s the point?”.

I feel like it’s important to say that I legitimately never expected to be here, and I say that with all the confusion and weight that those words have come to mean in the heaviest of ways.

I spent my childhood trying to be everything my family expected of me.

I spent my late teens alone, confused, poor, and afraid.

I spent my early 20’s questioning who I am and being afraid of the people around me because the thought “what if they found out” haunted my every moment.

And I spent my late 20’s devoting my time to people and groups and companies who used me as a shield and left me to suffer every chance they got.

I was going through all this while also thinking all the same things you are now.

“Everything is going too fast. I can’t keep up. Why isn’t what I’m doing good enough? Is there something wrong with me? Will I ever be good enough for anything or any one? Is this what my success is? Is this family? Is this all I’ll be allowed? What am I even doing? Can I even survive?”

And here’s the thing… I have like… 30k whatever followers here on Tumblr, I have nearly 60k followers on Twitter, a bunch on Instagram… and somehow when I do things FOR ME to be CREATIVE like streaming on Twitch? I’m barely hitting 40ish viewers at a time on a GOOD day.

On a logical level it looks like almost no one cares, and it’s just a small group of people who are coming to support me every stream, which is the thing I do to be creative for myself.

But it’s a perspective thing, so let’s shift that.

Imagine being in a room with 20 people and every single one of them wants to talk to YOU and JUST YOU! You’re their focus! They are there specifically for YOU!

That’s what it is really.

And that translates to every medium of creating content.

The internet is such a weird and wonderful and awful thing.

We can instantly connect and be connected and be surrounded by people who WANT to be around us… and yet somehow feel like we are alone, or the amount of people isn’t enough, or that we’ve failed.

So here’s the deal with ME:

I am not a success. I am not “doing amazingly” in any aspect of my content creative path OR professional path. I am moving slower and having more difficulty on average than most do.

But I am finally enjoying my life. I am enjoying what I create. I’m enjoying the room of people who I’m surrounded by, even if it is small.

I create because I LOVE.

Even with my many failures, my lack of success, my small numbers in my real personal creative avenues…

I create… because I love.

I want to bring joy, to bring hope, to bring happiness, to bring a small moment of laughter in a ocean of darkness that often surrounds us… even if it’s to just ONE person.

And that’s the point, the purpose of it all.

At least for me.

#kdin #ask me anything #kdin jenzen #kdinjenzen #anonymous #anon #ama

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lubdubsworld · 3 years

Text

物の哀れ ( ‘the sadness of things’.)

Alpha Jungkook x Omega Oc!

Genre : Angst , Hurt/ Comfort.

Chapter 1 ⋆ Chapter 2 ⋆ Chapter 3 Chapter 4 ⋆ Chapter 5 ⋆

Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8

Summary : Nine months after her marriage ends, Kim Heejin is a reclusive artist, who works out of a renovated warehouse in Busan, her days and nights spent with canvas and paint. Its exactly what she’s ever wanted, to be left alone. And yet, that nagging feeling of incompletion keeps her on her toes. And perhaps, it is that longing for something substantial, something real that pushes her to give her flawed but lovable ex-husband another chance.

Chapter 9

“I… No. Just… please tell him I’ll be down…I’ll come down to the lobby to meet him.” I said quickly, panicking at the idea of having him here. I’d barely been here a day but this was still my space. And if I had him here then his scent would just seep into every nook and corner.

The room would smell like him then… And what would I do after he left?

God, what was I even thinking? Head swimming, I crawled to the edge of the bed and breathed shakily.

It felt surreal, climbing out of the bed and moving to the vanity . I stared at myself in the mirror as I grabbed the makeup bag I kept with me all the time. Wide eyes and parted lips, creamy gold skin turning lily white because of how the blood had just drained after that phone call.

I looked petrified .

Jungkook… I thought numbly. Jungkook’s waiting downstairs and I’m going to see him.

What is he thinking.... What is he feeling... why is he even here?

You’re not responsible for his emotions, Taehyung’s soothing voice in my head helped a bit but not a whole lot. What about my emotions, I though desperately, grabbing the tube of gloss and slowly uncapping it. I ran the end of it over my lips and felt my fingers tremble because I didn’t know why I felt this need …to look beautiful.

I didn’t need to, I though miserably. Everyone knew omegas were beautiful. Beta supermodels were beautiful yes but they couldn’t hold a candle to me, at least for someone like Jungkook. He was an alpha, his brain was built to find me attractive. I had evolutionary genetics on my side, which mean that if I ever actually wanted to seduce Jungkook , he wouldn’t really stand a chance .

But I didn’t want that.

I had had enough of that. Enough of seeing handsome, rich alphas being reluctantly attracted to me. They made it obvious too. Most of the hate mail I got stemmed from angry wives or girlfriends accusing me of seducing their men , even though I’d never so much as laid my eyes on them. It was so unfair.

I didn’t enjoy watching them lose their minds at the sight and scent of me, because i knew that deep down, they thought that all omegas were scum.

Manipulative, sex driven , greedy and selfish . Those were the labels I got plastered with , on the media and on the streets.

And Jungkook wasn’t different, I reminded myself firmly, pulling away from the mirror and grabbing the loose powder and dusting down some of it on the apple of my cheeks and down the length of my nose.

He didn’t think any different than the others. Jungkook’s views on omegas were just as archaic and bigoted as everyone else’s .

He just didn’t act on them .

Sighing, I dropped the lipgloss back in the back and brushed my hair off my face. On a whim , I pulled off the hair tie holding the thick strands together, letting the wavy tresses fall over my shoulder. I hadn’t cut my hair in a long time and it felt to my hips now. My stylist was adamant that it added to my aesthetic.

A primal siren, she had said staring at me in awe, like something eternal and beautifully dangerous. We’re lucky you seem incapable of hate, Heejin ...because I think you could bring grown men to their knees with that body and that face.

I felt nauseous at the thought of it.

Walking to the elevator felt like walking the plank and I had stop a couple of times, just to breathe deeply. I had to be smart about this. I was in therapy. Taehyung had taught me how to handle situations like this and while my heart was pounding too hard and my brain was too scrambled to use any of his therapy techniques, I still had some of my cognitive abilities intact.

He came here, i thought desperately.

He came looking for you and that means he isn’t nervous or worried or overthinking this because he doesn’t have feelings for you. If you want to come out of this unscathed, you need to get your head on straight. You need to pretend that you didn’t just have a minor mental breakdown at the thought of him dating someone else.

I took a deep breath, exhaling sharply before stepping into the elevator. The ride down to the lobby was barely a few seconds and when I stepped out, I realized the place was way too crowded for such an exclusive Hotel. And then I remembered that people were here for the Art Festival. I glanced at the reception desk, covertly, noting a conspicuous lack of Jeon Jungkook. The lady behind the desk held her hand up when she spotted me .

“Ms. Kim? Mr. Jeon just went to get you a drink...He’s over by the breakfast counter over there.” She pointed out the dining space where people were walking about getting breakfast and I swallowed, feeling hot and cold as I cautiously stepped into the crowd, trying to find a that familiar head of thick dark hair.

I felt the apprehension build as I tugged on my bottom lip between my teeth, trying to reign in the chaos in my mind but it was impossible, everything too loud and too messy. I looked around and then, it hit me.

His scent.

I felt my lips part in surprise, and it felt like someone had turned the volume down , noises fading into a dull hum at the back of my mind as I stared at him. He hadn’t spotted me yet and I took a second to just....look.

He looked incredible.

There was really no other word for it. Incredibly handsome, Incredibly beautiful and so incredibly perfect as the late morning sun lit up the room, picking out the shine on his white silk shirt. I breathed in deep, my mindeasily picking out the musky pine scent of him and I stepped closer, moving straight towards him and I caught the exact moment my scent his senses.

He jerked a bit, nostrils flaring and eyes going wide before he turned, lips parted and gaze a bit unfocused as he looked around.

When he caught sight of me, he just blinked.

I smiled weakly, body going limp with relief because.... because this was Jungkook. Not some monster I had to run from. This was Jungkook....even at his worst he had been better than some of the other people I’d met in life.

I looked down at the drink in his hand and smiled a bit as he made his way over.

“ This isn’t the same as buying me a coffee.” I said shakily as he finally stepped upto me.

His eyes danced with warmth.

“What makes you think I can afford one? Besides, aren’t you the hotshot artist? Shouldn’t you be the one buying me stuff?” He said softly.

“Just saw you on the front cover of a magazine. We both know you’re far from destitute..” Even through the smile, I felt the tug of emotion as I stared at him, felt the difference in him like night and day, the light and joy and ...contentment that seemed to radiate off him .

He smiled and held the drink out to me gently.

“ Heejin-ah.” He whispered.

And somehow it was the sound of his voice, wrapping around the syllables of my name that finally did it.

I felt the tears brim over, my lips parting in choked laughter as I stepped close and wrapped both my arms around him, burying my face in his neck and breathing him in. I felt him hold me, infinitely gentle and I exhaled sharply.

“I didn’t miss you, at all.” I said shakily. He laughed lightly.

“I missed you , too.” He stroked the back of my head gently and I sighed, fingers curling on the silk of his shirt. The fabric felt like liquid in my fingers and I played with it for a second, intensely aware that people were starting to stare. That this embrace had gone on for longer than social norms dictated but I couldn’t bring myself to care, letting my chin rest against his shoulder blades.

And it was almost frightening.....how easy it was to pretend we weren’t broken at all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“She was so small when I last held her... I can’t believe she’s running around.” I said, awed, listening to Jungkook tell me about how Mina liked to climb everywhere. He laughed, shaking his head.

"She’s growing bigger everyday. I can barely keep up.” Jungkook smiled, holding a hand out for me to step over the wooden slats that lined the tiny archway that led to the door to his building. I hesitated before lightly gripping his hand in mine, the gesture somehow feeling more intimate that it was.

“You’re not staying at the Firenze?” I asked curiously, resisting the urge to reach for his hand again when he let go.

it was such a ridiculous thing but I’d never held hands with him. And It felt ridiculously nice, to slot my fingers with his, feel them in between mine. His palm against mine, calloused but somehow so comforting.

I’d forgotten how warm he was.

Don’t. Don’t fall down this rabbit hole again, Heejin. We talked about this. He doesn’t think of you that way. He doesn’t. And neither should you. its unfair to him. He doesn’t deserve that.

“No... As you can see my apartment is barely ten minutes away and Soeun has her exams so its easier for her to watch over Mina here at the apartment.

“Soeun?” I asked curiously.

“Park Soeun? She’s a University student who lives with me. She’s doing a correspondence course in fashion . So she’s home all the time and she helps out with Mina. And she speaks Italian so that’s a huge plus... ” He smiled. “ you’ll like her. She’s a good kid.”

Don’t make that face. Don’t fucking make that face, Heejin.

I struggled to keep my face straight , like I wasn’t feeling the weight of a dozen bricks at the base of my stomach.

“A roommate...then..?” I asked quietly and he shrugged.

“Something like that. But mostly she helps take care of Mina when I’m out on an assignment.” He smiled and led me past two flight of stairs up to the studio apartment.

I wrapped my arms around myself as he stopped in front of a wrought iron grill, gripping one end and sliding it open with ease. And then he rang the small bell n the side. I shuffled back and forth on my foot, heart racing.

The door opened and I blinked because of how young the girl who opened the door was. A second later she was beaming, moving forward and wrapping both her arms around me.

“Unnie!” She squealed, hugging me so close that I almost choked. Completely thrown I could only gape at Jungkook who was laughing .

“Oh, I forgot to mention..she’s a bit of a fan. “ He teased lightly and I smiled awkwardly, watching as she pulled back to stare at me, her gaze trained on my face unblinkingly.

“Whoa...” She reached out and lightly touched my cheek with her forefinger making me jump. She flinched as well, flushing red.

“Shit..sorry...I just... I’ve never... I’ve never met an omega before.” She said softly. “ You’re absolutely breathtaking.”

I felt my heart pound, steeping back instinctively, an overwhelming urge to hide , anxiety pooling in my stomach as she continued to stare at me. I hated the attention and I wrapped my arms around myself.

“Soeun, enough. Don’t make it weird.” Jungkook said sternly, voice hard and the girl immediately flushed, bowing apologetically.

“Sorry...I.. sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable ... You’re pretty.” She said again before turning to Jungkook.

“I have to get some stuff for my exhibit, Jungkook oppa... Mina’s asleep. i’ll be staying over at Vince’s place for the night though. Is that okay?”

“Sure..have fun.” Jungkook smiled, “ Vince is her boyfriend.” He explained and Soeun nodded happily.

“Italian men are absolutely amazing unnie...you should try some.” She winked and I laughed despite myself.

“I just might...” I said with a grin, watching as she walked over to slip on a pair of sneakers from the small shoe closet near the door. She waved enthusiastically all but bouncing away and I blinked at him , shaking my head.

“I feel a hundred years old right now.” I said softly, still stunned by the girl’s exorbitant energy. Jungkook laughed at that

“She definitely has that effect on people... Come on, I’ll show you around.” He held his hand out and I smiled , taking his fingers mine and letting him tug me further into the studio apartment.

I looked around, taking in the full blown prints of Mina and Jungkook , caught in adorable poses in front of different tourist spots in Florence. I saw how much she looked like Jungkook now, and how openly affectionate they looked together, the love evident even in the still photos.

And then my eyes fell on a familiar painting , my stomach lurching.

“You... “ i turned to him in a rush and he was staring at me with a small smile.

“I had to bring that. It pretty much saved me, that painting.” He said casually, stepping close and running his fingers all over the print.

“When you told me this is how Sooah saw me...” He traced the picture carefully before glancing at me,” it made me realize that Sooah didn’t just want a baby.....she wanted a baby with me. She saw me as a father. As someone who could raise and nurture a tiny human and that... that’s amazing isn’t it?” He sighed, staring at me.

He looked beautiful, I thought with an ache deep inside me. The most beautiful man I’d ever seen in my life and it seemed almost too good to be true. That he was here, at reach. So close. I wondered if this was it. This had to be a sign. A sign that we’d come full circle. That it was over. That we could finally break free from all that we’d been through, and look back at Jungkook’s past with fondness instead of pain.

And perhaps, just perhaps I could reach out and touch him with something more than just the love you have for a friend. . Perhaps I could reach out and touch him, without feeling guilt and foreboding.

I exhaled shakily stepping up and running my fingers over the canvas. It was nothing fancy... Just a painting a painting of Jungkook holding Mina up by her waist, high over his head, staring up into her face with all the love and adoration in the world, The child in the painting doesn’t look exactly like Mina, of course, but I’d had no idea , seeing as Sooah had commissioned the painting when she was pregnant. But Jungkook.... Jungkook looked exactly like he did now : Happy and at peace.

“You’re alright, then?” I asked quietly , a wealth of meaning behind the words and he smiled , nodding gently.

“I’m fine…” He whispered , “ And I’m so glad I can tell you that, like this. Thank you for coming , Heejin-ah . I know you owe me nothing but.. I wanted to show you that… it wasn’t all bad you know. What we went through… Something good did come out of it.” He whispered.

I choked out a sob.

“I lied.” I whispered. “ I did miss you. Even when I knew I shouldn’t.”

Jungkook’s gaze softened.

“I have a lot to be sorry for. But I don’t want to remind you of those things. I just want you to know that… I understand what you went through…those six months. I understand that it was difficult and painful and i… I’m grateful that you didn’t give up on me. And I’m grateful that you stayed in my life. Because I know I didn’t deserve that.”

“You deserve to be loved Jungkook.” I said quietly. “ Its not wrong to move on. You deserve to… find happiness again.”

He stared at me, his gaze soft and gentle.

“I can almost believe it, when you say it that way.” He laughed. “ And… you know… I’m not sure if its love. But there’s someone I’ve been…. Well, I can sort of see myself with her. .” He grinned a little, smile boyish as he ran his fingers through his hair. He glanced at me and I felt my heart skip a beat.

Wait… was he going to?....

“ I met her at Taehyung’s practice, a year ago. Her name is Lee Hyorin.” Jungkook looked at me, doe eyes shining with excitement.

And just like that the world ended.

Or so it felt.

It was like being dipped in icy cold water, the shock of it rendering me speechless, lips parted and breath catching in lungs.

Blood rushed through my ears, so fast that I felt lightheaded, my legs nearly giving out. White noise filled my skull, pain lancing sharp through my heart like a thousand paper cuts, and I couldn’t really breathe. It took a few seconds…. For my heart to catch up with what my mind had just processed. And when it finally did, the pain was so excruciating, I had to clench my fists, nails digging into the flesh of my palm to ground myself.

“She’s an alpha…and she lost her husband around the same time Sooah passed..” Jungkook gave me a soft smile. “ She’s actually a curator at one of the museums here. She’s the one who made all the arrangements for me to move here to Florence. ”

“Wow… That’s…” devastating,. “ That’s good news. Jungkook.. I.. How long…” My voice cracked, and I had to swallow. “ How long have you guys been dating?”

“About three months now. We’re taking it very slow, because we aren’t really ready. She has a son too. He’s three years old. Mina loves him so that’s a plus.” He laughed.

My lungs constricted, breathing difficult and my head swam because ….. what. Realization set in so quickly, I was left reeling. I was in love with this bastard, I thought miserably. So in love with him that it felt like he was shredding my heart into ribbons. Every word of his mouth felt like a sharp deep stab, straight through the center of my heart and the pulsing, beating organ was on the verge of giving out.

“She’s going to be there at the dinner tonight at the Festival. She’s one of the organizers by the way. She’s kind of the reason I got in, I think.” He laughed , looking abashed and what a load of bull that was. Jungkook was successful and well known. Superbly talented at his chosen field. She was lucky to have him.

How can she have him when I’m the one who fixed him? How is that fucking fair?

“She really understands the things I’ve been going through, the past few months and because we both still attend therapy with Taehyung, we’re able to talk about a lot of stuff. Stuff I can’t share with others…” Jungkook was saying and I tuned him out, not wanting to hear another word.

I swallowed, choking on bile. I could feel sweat gathering on my scalp, my skin clammy and damp , the air between us shifting into something poisonous and filled with so much dismay, it was a miracle he hadn’t picked up on it.

Couldn’t he sense how distressed I was? Couldn’t he see how his words were hurting? Couldn’t he fucking see that I couldn’t live without him? Why on earth couldn’t he see me the way he apparently saw every other woman on the damn planet…..

Because he’s a shitty Alpha, I thought miserably, willing myself not to burst into tears. He was a shitty excuse for an alpha back then and he’s the same now.

A low, distressed cry began somewhere behind him and he jumped.

“Oh, shit she’s up… come on, Heejin.” He said with a bright smile, turning around and rushing down a small hallway and I willed myself to breathe in deeply, reminding myself that this wasn’t the end of the world. I could get through this. Besides, it was Mina.

Beautiful, perfect Mina who had been there for me. She would see me and she would give me that sweet gummy smile of hers, does eyes twinkling and I would get through this. Because her smile was what was important. Her smile and her joy and her happiness.

The sobbing had slowed down to small hiccups and I stepped past the threshold cautiously, watching as Jungkook bent over the large crib, carefully lifting her out and into his arms. She looked breathtaking, an absolutely gorgeous little girl . I stared, mesmerized as I stepped closer. My arms ached, and my chest tightened. Lips wobbling, I exhaled sharply, moving to reach for her.

She turned to glance at me and just as my fingers brushed her cheek, she recoiled.

Hard.

A loud wail tore through her tiny body and I felt my eyes go wide. Her casual little cry had turned into a sobbing , loud wail and I could smell the distress in her , the fear and distrust as she curled away from me. Jungkook looked stunned as well, instinctively drawing her close and embracing her, moving away from me because….

Because I was the reason, she was distressed.

My skin went ice cold at the revelation and I stumbled back, stunned.

“I… I’m sorry.” I choked out, confused and disoriented. Jungkook looked stricken, gently rocking her back and forth and she clung to him, gripping his shirt and I bit my lips, moving further back and I glanced at him, my heart shattering.

“She’s …She’s still sleepy… She doesn’t do well with strangers…” He said softly, looking upset, “ Maybe you could…wait outside…”

Stranger…. Was that what I was?

“I… I’ll go. I’ll just go.” I turned on my heel, rushing out of the door and struggling to breathe in air, my heart clenching so hard I was sure I was going to pass out. I felt my knees give out when I reached the couch, dropping down and drawing my knees up , wrapping my arms around my legs . I didn’t know how long I sat there, fighting sobs and choking on air…and when I finally came to myself, the sobs from the room had died out.

“She’s fallen asleep again.” Jungkook’s voice cut through the silence and I couldn’t bring myself to look up. I felt him move closer, felt his scent hit me as he stepped right up to me, kneeling on the floor in front of me.

I looked up at him, lips wobbling as I took in his handsome face. A face that was so deeply carved into my heart and my soul, I couldn’t imagine living without it. Without him. The tears came then, helpless and endless and so painful.

He pressed in closer, cupping my face in his palms, thumb brushing the tears that spilled over so relentlessly.

“Heejin…” He whispered and I let my fingers curl around his wrist as his thumb kept brushing the curve of my cheeks. I took a deep , shaky breath .

“She doesn’t remember me…. “ I whispered, “ She doesn’t recognize me at all…She hates me……” I choked out , despair filling every last crevice of my insides, gut twisting as I remembered how Mina had twisted away from me, how her scent had soured in distress at the sight of me, at the touch of my fingers.

And I wondered if it was different with this other woman..Hyorin, wasn’t it? Did Mina climb into her arms with ease? Did she curl into her chest and sleep? The way she used to with me, when she was a month old and missing the warmth of a mother.. ….

All those nights spent in that tiny nursery, lying on the cold unforgiving floor, watching the rise and fall of Mina’s chest through the dark room…telling myself it was worth it… it was worth being touched against my will, worth being treated like filth by a man driven mad with grief and anger….all because of this baby…this tiny little baby who had needed me….

And now…she didn’t even know who I was…..worse…she was repulsed by the very sight of me… I couldn’t cope.

“Look at me…” Jungkook rasped, voice raw and cracking. “she doesn’t hate you, Heejin… she just … you feel new to her… different…”

I shook my head, unable to think about anything beyond the sheer devastation that filled me, the way his daughter had pulled away and run, had refused to come anywhere near me. I realized with lancing pain that I’d wanted to see her, way more than I’d wanted to see Jungkook .

Because she was the reason I’d hung on for so long in that marriage which had been the biggest fucking mistake of my life…. the only reason I’d stuck around . Mina …Having her in my arms, her scent against my face, that had been the only genuine happiness I’d experienced in a marriage filled with sheer , unending misery.

“I… she… Why doesn’t she remember? “ I breathed, sagging into his arms, tears soaking his shoulders and his palm ran up and down my back.

“Because she was a baby. Heejin…. I left when she was a baby…”

“Why did you?” I snapped. “ Did it hurt you so much? The thought of living under the same sky as me ? Why you did you go?” I demanded.

Jungkook pulled back, hands coming up to grip my shoulder, holding me at arms length.

“Look at me.” He whispered. “ I had to … You know I had to go….I was hurting you. I was… I was draining you of life. Destroying you… “

Jungkook’s words reminded me of who he was. Of who I was… Of who I was to him.

I choked out, sobbing.

“I hate you. You treated me like scum. Like a crutch….. Like some sort of tool to get better and you just left… you…”

You found someone better. You broke me down and now you’ve gone and found someone better….because I was never good enough for you… I was never someone you could love….

“I had to let you go. I had to end that relationship because it was tainted with so much grief and anger and selfishness and greed. I knew that anything I did afterwards would be tainted by my actions… I… I had to make amends, Heejin. And do you think for a second, that it wasn’t the hardest thing I ever did? That walking out on you wasn’t one of the most devastating things I’ve ever experienced? But I did it for us… for this…”

I stared at him.

“And what is this?” I asked brokenly.

“This is me, being able to touch you like this.” Jungkook pressed a palm to my cheek, “ And not feeling guilt or sadness or grief or loss. I did it so we could have this…this… This thing where I can look at you and hold you and see that you’re healing. That you’re doing better… That you’re living the life you want…. That you’re happy. This is me standing here , in front of you and smiling because I’m happy too. Happy that you’re here. ” He exhaled, “ I’m happy that despite all the hurt we’ve been through for and because of each other, I can look at you now and tell you, honestly, that I’m glad to see you.”

What a joke.. What a fucking joke.

I smiled shakily.

“Well… “ I said softly, my stomach churning because I was done. Done with him and mostly with myself. “ Isn’t that absolutely wonderful.”

His gaze softened and he smiled.

“I want us to be friends, Heejinah. Even though we don’t see or talk to each other, I think of you often. And when Mina’s old enough to understand , I’ll tell her all about you… I want you in our lives. You’re a friend. ”

I stared at him , feeling the words echo in my skull . It left an acrid taste on my senses, the way he put me into this neat little box, friend. So ….insignificant. Everyone had hundreds of friends. There was nothing even remotely special about being someone’s friend.

Friend just meant replaceable and forgettable. And just like Mina didn’t remember me…. Someday Jungkook wouldn’t either. The knowledge filled my veins spreading all over my body and leaving a fierce, heavy ache in my chest.

It was my fault, I thought despondently. My fault because I had been an idiot.

Jungkook was the sane one here , I thought miserably. These nine months, while I’d been dwelling on him and worrying for him…he had done the healthy thing , by moving on with someone he could actually envision a future with….

What had I done, these past nine months? Dreamt up a fantasy world where somehow we found our way back to each other and built a life together… It seemed so foolish now, in the light of Jungkook’s words and his confession….

Jungkook had done all of this, not for me…but for himself. For his daughter whom he loved and for his wife , whose memory he wanted to honor. And perhaps it was my own delusion that made me think that I’d played some stellar role in his healing…. Maybe if I hadn’t been there, he would have gotten better just the same…. Maybe I hadn’t been a tool …as much as a hindrance …to his healing.

I shook my head, bitterness coating my tongue.

“I should get going.” I whispered , voice shaking.

This is it, I told myself. This is the last time you look at him with that heaviness in your heart. You deserve better. You deserve… a lot of things. And just because people don’t give it to you doesn’t mean you have to settle for less……

“So soon? Hyorin will be back in a couple of hours… I could show you some of my work, and we could get lunch ….”

I shook my head quickly. I didn’t want to meet her in his home. Didn’t want to see him being domestic and affectionate and …normal with her when all I’d ever seen was Jungkook in his anger and grief, either yelling abuses or gripping me with a lust that was tainted with violence and rage. I stared at his hands, the ones I’d liked holding….

How did I forget? That those were the same hands that had held me down and done things that should, rightfully have landed him in prison?

I shook my head, to clear the images out of my head. Looking at him now, Jungkook looked eager, happy and healed. And I realized that he’d just pushed all of his own actions out of his mind. Forgotten all about it. And that was fair. He probably didn’t even remember any of it. He had been drunk out of his mind, lost in his head and surely, forgetting must’ve been easy… A relief.

I didn’t begrudge him that.

But…

I hadn’t been drunk. I’d been stone cold sober under him on that bed and so, maybe forgetting didn’t come that easily for me. And I was glad that Jungkook could move on and be happy but….

But I couldn’t stay here and pretend that it was the same for me. I wasn’t happy or healed, I thought miserably. And maybe , maybe the sight of him moving on was a sign that I had to stop thinking that healing meant going back to him and his daughter.

“Heejin… What’s wrong? Is it because of Mina.. she’s just not used to…” He began but I quickly pressed a palm to his chest, smiling.

“Strangers.” I said softly. “ I know. That’s not it… You know I have to introduce my exhibit at dinner tonight. I don’t know what the itinerary is or what I’m supposed to say…. None of it.. I need to meet my agent and prep myself a bit. Its alright…I’ll see you tonight.” I said softly.

“I’m sorry… I can’t walk you back because Mina-“

“Of course. Don’t worry about it…. I’ll just…”

The doorbell rang, startling me.

“Jungkook!” A strong voice called out and I went still.

“Hyorin?” Jungkook’s face lit up and I felt my stomach churn. God, the universe really was against me wasn’t it? Sighing in defeat, I wrapped my arms around myself, sitting back down on the couch and waiting.

Behind me , I could hear hushed whispers, soft laughter and shuffling feet. My mouth went dry.

“Ms. Kim….”

I turned around, greeted by the sight of a tall, strapping young woman, pretty by any standards. She was dressed in a pant suit , her hair long and straight, hitting the top of her shoulders. She looked smart… Important.

“Ms. Lee… Its nice to meet you.”

She held her hand out and I shook it gently. Jungkook smiled at her fondly and his phone rang from somewhere inside the studio.

“Hang on that’s probably Soeun…” He smiled at me and moved away and I watched him leave before shifting my gaze to Hyorin, who was staring down at me with a small smile.

“Are you here in Italy by yourself? Or with one of your many …uh… patrons ?” She smirked.

I blinked.

“Patrons?” I asked softly. “ Excuse me?”

“Jungkook and I’ve been following all the stories about you, back in Korea. You get around quite a lot… don’t you? Every alpha within a 100 mile radius wants a piece of the lovely Kim Heejin… And honestly, could anyone blame them? You look exquisite.”

I stared at her, stunned. The implication was so obvious that I would be an idiot not to realize what she was hinting at. So this was the woman , Jungkook chose? Yet another prejudiced bigot?

I laughed a bit, feeling my heart sink.

“I’m not seeing anyone. If that’s what you’re asking.” I said quietly.

Hyorin smirked at that.

“Of course you aren’t… We all know that isn’t really something your kind does… monogamy, right?”

“Do you have a problem with me Hyorin ssi?” I asked roughly and she laughed.

“Oh come on.. we’re all adults, here. And Heejin, you agreed to be a part of this festival, knowing full well, that’s what we think . Its because deep down you know I’m right….. Omegas can’t stay with one alpha. They need sex to survive and they are usually open to it with anyone. Not that I’m blaming you or judging you for it. It’s just how you’re built.”

I smiled wide, ignoring the urge to claw at her face. .

“Well, you’ve definitely got me all figured out haven’t you? “ I shook my head, glancing at Jungkook who was making his way over.

“What are you talking about?” He asked curiously and I smiled, glancing at her.

“ Hyorin ssi was just telling me how my sub gender makes it impossible for me to not go around whoring with every alpha I see…….” I glanced at him and Jungkook straightened, looking stunned, “ Well, I hope you two enjoy your beautiful monogamous relationship with each other something an omega like me can only fantasize about…. Right Jungkook?” I smiled and he looked completely lost.

“Wait…What? Hyorin what did you say?” He demanded and she was glaring at me now.

“Please don’t take it personally, I was only talking about omegas in general. “ Hyorin frowned, before bowing and moving away to stalk off in the direction of the bedrooms and I watched her, feeling dirty and terrible.

“Heejin, ignore her.. she’s just old fashioned and-“

“Is that what you’re going to call it?” I snapped and Jungkook froze.

“Heejin…”

I shook my head in disbelief.

“I’m not upset about what she said. I’m upset that she feels comfortable enough, spouting that bullshit to me , in your house. Makes me wonder what else she’s told you about omegas, and how much of it you probably agreed with.”

Jungkook stared at me , lips parted.

“I… I don’t feel that way. You know that.” He said stiltedly.

“Do I? All I know is that she knows about me, about who I am and apparently, she can call me a slut…. In front of you, without worrying about it upsetting you. And that tells me you’re as much of a bigot as she is.”

“Heejin… You know that’s not it. We all grow up being fed certain things and –“

“But you did grow up right?” I snapped. “ you grew up and you can think and act for yourself. As can she. Once you’re an adult, you don’t have a single fucking excuse for being racist or homophobic or bigoted because being an adult means having the ability to unlearn the toxic things you’ve been taught and relearn how to be a decent fucking human.”

I shook my head as he stared at me.

“And you know what…please just… just don’t call me or consider me as a friend.” I laughed. “ Because I don’t think I can consider you one. Not anymore. You can’t…...You can’t just love certain parts of me and be disgusted by others you know? I don’t need a friend who can care about me and love me and help me as long as he can forget that I’m an omega….. I need a friend who can love every jagged, broken , part of me. Who can call out people who talk bullshit at me , who can look someone in the eye and tell them they’re wrong when they’re calling me names and that’s not who you are……. You’re not it.” I snapped.

Jungkook looked stricken, reaching out to hold me and I stepped away, annoyed.

“I’m sorry, Heejin, you’re right … I’ll talk to her… I’ll…” He began but I shook my head.

“Whatever. Just don’t call me a friend. We can’t be friends. Let’s just be what we always were , yeah? A big fucking mistake that never should have happened.”

I stormed out of the door, shaking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What do you mean, there are no flights available for today?” I snapped. “Tell them money isn’t an issue. I need to get out of this place right now.”

Minho looked incredibly stricken, hair messy from how often he’d run his fingers through.

“ We just arrived seven hours ago, Hee. Of course there’s no flight yet…. We can stay another day…attend the dinner and-“

“No.” I snapped. “ Absolutely not. I’m not here because they find my art good or worth putting up. I’m here because they know the alphas around here will want to pay more , to pour in more cash for a chance with me.” I held the embossed booklet up, waving it in his face.

“Heejin…” He protested but I shook my head.

“ Did you see the cost to get into my pane ?. Extra ….for alphas? And yet…apparently they had to pre book it and its filled? You think any of the lecherous bastards who paid money to see me , gives a shit about my art? And apparently, there’s a meet and greet, for alphas only if they purchase seven or more paintings worth over 10000 Euros. Do you think, that’s what I’m worth?”

Minho looked down at his shoes, ashamed.

“I .. I’m sorry, Hee. You’re right. Its offensive . And an insult to your art and talent. We shouldn’t have come here, you’re right. And I regret it… But just… give me a few hours, yeah? I’ll find a way to get us out of here….”

I exhaled sharply, exhaustion weighing heavy on my head. I felt like I’d taken a pounding, physically and mentally and I wondered how a day that had started so well, could go so wrong, so fast…

Shaking my head, I trudged wearily to the elevator, knocking on the buttons before sagging against the wall, letting my eyes flutter shut.

Jungkook was dating.

Jungkook was dating. His girlfriend thought I was a slut and here I was about to prove her right.

I wanted to slit someone’s throat.

Sighing, I watched the door slide open, grabbing my keys out of my bag, and moving to the suite. I opened the door before making a beeline for the bed. I collapsed on the soft duvet, groaning. I was torn between wanting to call Taehyung to yell at him about Jungkook and calling Minho to demand an update on the flights.

I was spared the dilemma when the phone in the room rang. Groaning, I moved to swat at the phone, turning on the speaker.

“Ms. Kim? There’s a Mr. Jeon here to see you?”

I blinked, feeling disbelief swell inside me. Did he not get the hint?

Annoyed, I sat up.

“Send him up.” I said, in no mood to go all the way down to see him.

“Up?” She sounded surprised, “ To your room?”

“Yes. To my room. Is that a fucking problem?” I growled, annoyed.

“Not at all Ms. Kim. He’ll be right up.”

I got out of bed, shrugging off my jacket and taking off my dress as well. It was a little damp because I’d sweated through the fabric. I grabbed one of my oversized t shirts , slipping it on and moving to open the door before retreating back to the inner room. Feeling annoyed, I walked up to the vanity and grabbed the hair brush, running the bristles through my locks. I heard his footsteps outside and stiffened.

“If you’re here to defend your shitty girlfriend, you can just leave Jungkook. I swear to God, I’ve had enough of this.” I shouted. He didn’t reply and my hackles rose.

“Listen, I’m sorry if I said something harsh-“ I froze when I reached the doorway, staring at the man in front of me. He had a large , almost humongous bouquet of wild orchids and roses in his hand and I stared at his face.

This was definitely not Jungkook.

“Umm… hi.” The man bowed awkwardly, his gaze going straight to my legs, where my t shirt ended, just a couple of inches past my waist. I felt the blood rush to my face.

“Who are you…Get out !!!” I shouted, horrified, diving for my jacket and holding it up against my bare thighs. The man held both his hands up, eyes wide..

“I’m sorry… I… you said I could come up to your room….” He protested and I scowled, confused.

“What? “ I stared, stunned… “ Who…what?”

“I’m Wonwoo. Jeon Wonwoo. I’m uh….one of the sponsors for this festival. And a fan. Huge fan.” He was staring at me beseechingly and I felt my head begin to throb.

The sheer relentlessness of this day…..

“I… Mr. Jeon…” So weird, God, “ There’s been a misunderstanding. I’m not…. I thought you were someone else.”

“Jungkook yes…your ex husband, right? You were married to him for six months after he lost his wife….. He’s also one of the artists exhibiting their work here.” He nodded quickly, running long fingers through thick glossy hair, lips parting in a hesitant smile and I stared at him.

“How do you know all that? ” I demanded, heart pounding. He immediately held his hands up again.

“I’m sorry… I sound like a stalker, shit. But Trust me I’m not. I just am a huge fan.. I looked up some stuff about you….before.” He shuffled a bit awkwardly, finally looking up at me.

I tried to catch his scent. No scent to speak of. A beta then. Relaxing just a bit, I swallowed. At least I wasn’t in any immediate danger. But still, I had no intention of letting him see me in nothing but a t shirt. Embarrassed, I gripped the jacket tighter.

“Why are you here?” I demanded angrily, taking in his appearance. He didn’t look like a hoodlum or someone dangerous. He was good looking, dressed in a white t shirt and black Jacket over plain black slacks. His shoes looked expensive and I didn’t miss the shiny Rolex on his wrist either,.

“Well, for one thing I own the Hotel.” He chuckled and that made my stomach turn. “And also like I said, I’m one of the main sponsors for the Festival itself.”

“Right.” I was too disoriented to process this, head throbbing. “Of course. Is there a reason why you wanted to see me?”

“I was downstairs…just now… I couldn’t help but overhear you with your agent. You wanted to leave as soon as possible. To pull out of the event and I’m just here to try and change your mind, Ms. Kim.” He smiled earnestly and I realized he was really quite young.

I sighed.

“Could you… Could you wait outside? I want to put some clothes on before we talk any further.” I said tiredly and he bowed quickly.

“Uh… These…I’ll just leave these here.” He placed the large bunch of flowers on the table before quickly leaving the room and I swore, racing to the suitcase in the corner. I quickly grabbed a pair of jeans, slipping them on hastily and zipping myself up before glancing at the mirror again. This would have to do.

I moved to the door and opened it, finding him right there, looking lost.

“I… come in, please.” I said hesitantly and he bowed again, moving in and waiting for me to close the door and take a seat on the couch, before sinking into an arm chair across from me.

“Did you see the itinerary? It doesn’t get more sexualized than this.” I waved the booklet and he flushed.

“I understand you’re upset about … certain things. I’m sorry that you feel objectified , in the festival. It wasn’t the intention I had when I first told Hyorin and the others that I wanted them to invite you. But , I’ve been busy the past month, and I didn’t go over the complete agenda. If I did, I definitely would have made sure that you were treated with just as much respect as the others. Unfortunately, there’s not much I can do now, but I’ve had a word with all of the panelists and also the hosts. We won’t entertain any question or comments of a sexual nature and if anyone tries to insinuate anything , I’ll have them removed from the panel myself. “ He said firmly.

“I’m only here because you told me you would exhibit my mother’s works too.” I said sharply and he bowed.

“ Your mother’s works are just as exquisite and I’ve arranged for them to be displayed right at the center of the arena, with a running slide show of her childhood , her art technique and the great love she had for her daughter.” He said firmly.

I could only stare. He sounded incredibly sincere and there was no mistaking the earnestness in his tone.

“I’m….” I bit my lips, “ Listen, Mr. Jeon, I’m flattered but honestly, I never wanted to be here. I… there was … something else that made me want to come and well, that turned out to be a huge mistake. To be honest, I’m not sure if I have it in me to suffer through days of people treating me like I’m some kind of sex crazed bimbo.” I shook my head.

“how about this.? You let me be your date for tonight and you let me display your work, today at the dinner itself. I’ll be right by your side. And then, I’ll have my private jet on standby and we can fly back to Korea. You deserve the spotlight, Heejin and I want people to see how good you are at what you do. I don’t care if I lose money over this… As long as you’re comfortable. ”

I gawked at him, stunned.

“Private Jet?” I choked out. “ Okay, now I’m genuinely concerned.”

He laughed.

“I’m a Hotelier, and I have properties all over the world and I like to inspect them personally most of the time. Its more practical to have a private jet than to try and align my schedules with everyone else.” He smiled.

“Right. Convenient.” I shook my head. “ I’m no stranger to excessive wealth, Mr. Jeon and trust me, it’s always left a sour taste in my mouth.”

“I don’t flaunt my wealth, Ms. Kim. These clothes? Got them on the streets of Florence. I drive a Mazda. Wealth has no meaning to me. People do. People like you, who bring beauty into the world with their craft. You’ve made my world beautiful and I just want to repay , in some way.” He smiled, “ Also, You’re very beautiful.” He added and then immediately looked away. “ I’m sorry. That was… dumb . I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable.”

Endeared against my own wishes, I found myself fighting a small smile.

“Just tonight’s dinner?” I asked quietly.

“Just the dinner party.” He assured me quickly.

“Alright. But I’m not getting into any private Jet. My agent will book me tickets and I’ll find my way back to Korea.”

“As you wish. I’ll pick you up at seven. What color is your dress?” He asked casually and I blinked.

“Uh… Wine red? I guess? Why?”

He grinned, looking boyishly handsome.

“I’ll see you at seven, Ms. Kim.”

He bowed, before pausing by the bouquet. He grabbed a couple of flowers, holding them up for me to see.

“Daffodils and Lilacs.” He grinned, “ To finding something new to love. And to new beginnings.”

Wow.

Subtle.

I shook my head, momentarily forgetting all about Jungkook as I grinned all the way back to the bedroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I told you… coming with me will earn you major points.” Wonwoo smirked as he pulled me in by my waist , holding my dress up for me as I stared at the sleek black limousine at the Hotel entrance. I watched as he held my wrist gently, latching a string of sterling silver and red rubies around the delicate curve of it.

“This is too lavish…I don’t want this…Who are you?” I demanded, flushing because of the way the flashes went off in every direction, reporters scrambling when they caught sight of him. He was clearly popular, if the number of photos being clicked were any indication. I regretted everything.

Wonwoo pressed a kiss to my wrists, right near the bracelet and gently placed my palm on the curve of his elbow, leading me over to the car and I watched the chauffeur open the door for us.

“ Someone who can get anyone here fired. Be careful , sweetheart.” I watched in mute horror as he bent low, picking up the hem of my skirt so I wouldn’t trip, while climbing into the limousine. The reporters began whispering excitedly and more flashes went off . My face completely red, I hastened to climb in.

“These people look at you like you’re some kind of King.” I stared out of the tinted windows seeing the sheer multitude of people and Wonwoo chuckled.

“ That’s because I am. At least for tonight. And that’s why I’m the perfect guy to protect you Heejin. They’re all terrified of me.” He winked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook found me, fifteen minutes into the event. I hung by the large archway, near an alcove, sipping champagne and nibbling on some hors d’oeuvre as people threw glances at me. I noticed the conspicuous lack of a date on his arm and straightened, sighing and bracing myself for more unpleasantness as he picked his way through the crowd, eyes trained on me.

“Can we talk?” He said, the minute he was at hearing distance and I exhaled.

“No.” I said casually and he made a noise of impatience.

“Fucking, hell Heejin..just…” He swore again, looking upset. “ Why are you doing this to me? What do you want from me huh?”

I stared at him in disbelief.

“What do I want from you? Oh, fuck off Jungkook. I want nothing from you.” I snapped, turning on my heel, ready to leave but his hand shot out, gripping me right above my elbow, fingers curling in hard.

“Fuck.. listen. I don’t know what she said to you. I .. I’m sorry if she offended you…. Alright? She’s an alpha… I can’t change the way she thinks…”

“I didn’t ask you to. I merely said that if you associate yourself with people who think I’m scum, I won’t let you into my life. Because I respect myself too much for that.” I said firmly.

“She doesn’t think you’re scum, Heejin come on. She just has some misconceptions about certain things.”

“God, Jungkook…just stop. Alright? Stop. Because I’m not asking you do anything. I’m leaving on a flight tomorrow morning and you’ll never see me again. That’s all there is to it.”

He froze at that, fingers curling harder around my arm and it hurt, the skin turning red. Stupid fucker, never knew his own strength.

“Ow, Jungkook let go.” I whispered, and he did, albeit reluctantly.

I rubbed at the bruised skin, furious. I watched as the redness healed over, the pain fading to a throb and then into a pleasant heat and I hated it. Hated that being an omega meant that Jungkook’s rough touch turned to pleasure on my skin.

“What do you mean you’re leaving tomorrow? The Festival is for two weeks.”

I sighed.

“I didn’t come here for the festival. I came here to see you. To see if you were as hung up on me as I was on you…but apparently not.” I snapped.

Jungkook went perfectly still at that.

“What the fuck does that mean?” He said softly and I laughed, shaking my head.

“Wow. You really never even considered it huh? Us? Together.?” It wasn’t funny at all, but I could only laugh. Probably because I’d been so sure.. So certain that there was something there.

He opened his mouth to answer but I felt a warm solidness behind me, an arm wrapping around my waist and a second later, Wonwoo was there pressing up against me.

“Jungkook-ssi… Such a pleasure to meet you.” He held his hand out, and Jungkook frowned, his eyes trained on where wonwoo’s fingers curled around my waist.

“Get your hands off her.” He said shortly and Wonwoo blinked, pulling away from me and stepping back .

“What the-? No. Fuck you.” I snapped, glaring at Jungkook before grabbing Wonwoo’s hand and bringing it back around me. “Don’t you fucking dare take your hands off.” I held my finger up at his face and Wonwoo looked momentarily stunned.

“Really, Heejin? You’re doing this?” Jungkook glared at me. “ We need to talk.”

“So talk.” I snapped. “ Tell me why you think a bigoted bitch is the best you can do in terms of dating. Tell me why she’s the only one who can ‘ understand’ “ I made air quotes, shaking my head, “ You think you and your shitty have monopoly on grief Jungkook? I’ve lost people too. Just because I haven’t screwed other people over because of it, doesn’t make my grief invalid….yeah.”

Ringing silence followed and I regretted everything.

“Fuck.” I whispered, shaking my head. “ I .. Shit. I need to get out of here.”

I pulled away from Wonwoo, moving out of the huge ballroom and Jungkook was right behind me, of course he was.

“Heejin…fuck. Wait. You’re right. I didn’t mean to imply that you didn’t understand me. Of course you did. Its why you stuck around… I know that. And you’re right, she had no business talking about you like that. I’ll have a word with her… But…”

I sped up, wanting to get away but he grabbed me again, tugging me closer out of the hall way and into a darkened alcove and I flinched when he pushed me up against the wall, caging me in, as he pressed in closer.

“What did you mean by that?” He demanded, hands coming up to grip my waist, curling gently and my chest heaved at the touch of him, the enclosed space making his scent turn potent, strong and impossible to avoid. My nostril flared as I breathed him in, familiar and yet so foreign, comforting and yet so fucking dangerous.

“By what?” I snapped and his hands moved up, shaping the curves of my body , thumb grazing the tip of my breast and making me jump, before moving up, gripping my face, gently. He pressed his thumb into my lower lip, rubbing back and forth, face impossibly close and I swallowed, throat sandpaper dry.

“About us? Together….” He breathed and I exhaled shakily.

“You know what I meant.” I whispered. “ If you don’t then I can’t explain it.” I whispered and he swore, head dropping against mine, forehead resting against mine, and lips less than a hairsbreadth away.

We’ve never kissed, I thought suddenly. I licked my lips, turning my face away but his fingers gripped my chin at once, yanking me around to stare at him again.

“Look at me, baby. Tell me… You thought about us together?” He whispered .

I breathed shakily.

“Of course I did…. “ I snapped.

“Then clearly therapy isn’t working for you.” He snapped right back and I flinched.

“What-“

Jungkook pulled away staring at me.

“ Do you even remember all the shit I did to you?” He asked quietly. My stomach dropped.

“Jungkook.”

“I broke your ribs.” He said calmly. I swallowed.

“That.. That was an accident. You didn’t mean to.” I protested. “ And we’re past all that… I don’t… I don’t blame you for it.” I said, which was honest enough.

“And what about the nights I got drunk, Heejin….” He said softly and my skin went cold.

“That… That was just… It was just an outlet for your grief… “ I looked away and he scoffed.

“You’re calling it an outlet for grief. I believe the world calls it rape.”

I felt my entire body shiver at the word , moving up to wrap my arms around his neck, trying to pull him close but he was stiff as a board.

“ Don’t” I snapped. “ Don’t …. Its over…it’s in the past.”

“It was still me. I was the one who did it and I can’t… I can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”

I pulled away to glare at him.

“So , what? You won’t give us a chance because of something I’ve already forgiven you for?”

“Yes.” He said shortly. “ Because you may have forgiven me, but I haven’t forgiven myself.”

I felt my body sag in disbelief.

“Jungkook that’s-“

“You deserve better. You always have. I’m not… I don’t deserve someone like you Heejin. You’re kind and breathtaking and I’m just… a broken mess of a man who’s barely getting by.”

“Oh, right… So broken.” I scoffed. “ You’re on the front page of magazines, you have a successful career and a beautiful girlfriend,,,,forgive me if I’m not breaking my heart over your failures.”

Jungkook exhaled shakily before looking up at me.

“ You wanna know the truth about me, Heejin-ah?” He swallowed. “ I just got out of rehab last week.”

I went still.

“What?” I was sure I’d misheard.

“I… I came here and about a month or so in…I started drinking again…” He glanced away and my heart turned over inside me.

“Jungkook, what?” I demanded, horrified.

“I got drunk and got into an argument with a cop. I hit him. They found out I was a single father and-“ He shook his head, “ I got arrested for disorderly conduct , Public intoxication and assault.”

I stared at him in disbelief, unable to keep the disappointment out of my tone.

“ Arrested for assault... Jungkook why?” I breathed and he flushed.

“I know…. It was stupid.. I… I was stupid.” He said softly. “Soeun isn’t a baby sitter. She’s a social worker. She’s here to keep an eye on me because they want to make sure I’m not a threat to Mina. If I slip up, they’ll deport me back home and then the state will likely take her away from me. Soeun likes me….so she agreed to lie to you ……And as for the girlfriend…” He laughed, shaking his head, “ Hyorin broke up with me after I got arrested. We’re not… We’re not dating. She was only there to get some prints for the panel tomorrow.” He finished shakily.

I stared at him.

“Why?” I demanded . “ Why would you lie to me… Jungkook ….”

“Because I didn’t want you to think I was a screw up.” He said shakily. “ I know I’m supposed to be getting better and I have but… But sometimes I just…I miss…. I miss home. “ He shuddered. “ And you.” He looked up at me. “ I miss you a lot, Heejin and it hurts and I feel like the only way I can forget about you…about us together is if I drink. And I’m sorry. I know I don’t have the right to miss you, not after everything I put you through but I… it’s how I feel. ” He glanced away, trembling a little.

I wrapped my arms around myself, stepping away, feeling myself go cold.

We stayed quiet for a few seconds, both of us staring at the floor lost in our own thoughts. I felt drained. Miserably so. Like someone had sucked all the strength out of me. I realized how badly I had wanted Jungkook to be okay. To heal and be himself again. And I’d spent the last nine months, fully convinced that he was. That he was doing what he loved, bonding with his daughter building a life for himself.

But apparently, he was also spiraling back into addiction as well.

It was like we were back in that apartment, both of us miserable but desperate to be something we clearly were not : Okay.

“Does Taehyung know?” I asked finally and Jungkook hesitated before nodding.

“He was at my court hearing three weeks ago. He’s the reason I haven’t already lost her.” Jungkook whispered.

“What did he say?”

“He thinks I should come back to Korea.” Jungkook said quietly. “ He wants me to start therapy again with him. Every week. “

I nodded.

“Fair enough. And what do you think?”

“I think I will. My probation ends in three days. I’ll… I’ll start making arrangements afterwards. I’ll probably be back in a few weeks time. ”

I stared at him, finally seeing the things I hadn’t noticed this morning. The shadows beneath his eyes, the worry lines on his brow. I wondered if he would have ever told me the truth, if not for this little confrontation between us.

Silence descended again and I bit my lips, a million thoughts running through my head. I felt the pull of his scent through it all, an instinctive urge to reach out and touch and draw him close and I wondered if this was it. That for the rest of our lives we would just be drawn to each other, reluctant and hurt but unable to stay away.

“You’re leaving tomorrow then?” He asked quietly breaking through the fog in my head.

“Well obviously not.” I snapped. “ I’m not leaving you. I’ll tell Minho, we’ll be staying here for a few weeks. Do you actually have a possible job back home? If you don’t I can ask my agent to find one for you….”

Jungkook was staring at me like I’d grown an extra head.

“ What?” I asked roughly.

He swallowed.

“No.. I .. I don’t have a job there.”

“We’ll get you one. And my apartment is big enough so you can stay with me till we find you a place of your own. And I think it’ll actually be good for you, because there’s a Fine Art photographer, pretty well know guy who stays just a few blocks away and e can probably- “

“You haven’t really changed have you?” Jungkook cut me off in the middle of my rambling .

I flushed, looking away.

“What do you mean?”

“Back when we were married… it was just like this.. I’d fuck up and do something awful and you’d just take it all in stride, get ready to help me out of it….”

“I don’t know what you mean…” I said quickly, “ Let’s go back to the party we’ll talk later-“

He grabbed both my arms, pulling me back to face him when I tried to get past him and I yelped, staring up at him in surprise.

“What?” I demanded. “ What is it now?”

“How do you do this thing, Heejin ?” He asked roughly. “ How do you just get ready to clean up every fucking mess I make like it doesn’t hurt you? Like I don’t hurt you?”

“What are you talking about?” I tried to wriggle out of his hold but he tugged me closer.

“How do you just…” He shook his head, “ accept me so unconditionally? Like… Its like no matter what I do, you’re just willing to look past it and I don’t fucking understand Heejin… why do you put up with me, damn it?”

I stared right at him. Caught his gaze and held it, refusing to look away.

“You know why.” I whispered, licking my lips, throat dry, “ And if you don’t…. I’m not going to tell you.”

His eyes widened , lips parting and he exhaled sharply, before letting me go and stepping away.

He looked away, shaking a little and I sighed.

“Let’s just get this night over with, yeah?” I said quietly. “ and then we’ll talk.”

He didn’t reply, merely standing aside and motioning for me to leave first.

I shook my head, moving to grip his arm instead.

“Together.” I said firmly. “ We’ll get this night over with, together.”

Author’s Note : i love these two. i’ve never wanted two people to be together so much.

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