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sneezefiction · 4 years

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of night owls & early birds

Kuroo x Reader

desc: Kuroo, your roommate and longtime best friend, likes you but he really dislikes your sleep schedule. alternatively, your crush gets up way too early and you “suffer the consequences.”

a/n: the irony of working on this fic at 5 am doesn’t escape me… but it also hasn’t assuaged my awful sleep patterns. i hope you enjoy!!

warnings: school/general anxiety, crass/offbeat humor (jokes about planning your own funeral), idk if you’re scared of love don’t read this - it’s very fluffy.

wc: 3.6k

--- You’re screwed, you think, as a light flickers on just outside of your room. It illuminates the carpet underneath your doorway with a warm orange tint.

And though it shouldn’t make your heart jump into your throat, it does.

You’d promised, swore to Kuroo, that you’d be asleep by 2 am - and to him, even that was a stretch. But he should count himself lucky that you’d even agreed to his demands at all.

After all, he is well-versed in the world of night owls.

Kenma, though maybe not your kindred spirit, shares at least a couple of qualities with you. Kuroo likes refer to these “qualities” as crimes.

One of these crimes (and quite possibly Kuroo’s least favorite) is your god-awful sleep schedule. And you’re a repeated offender.

There was only so much nagging and bickering you could take before you’d cracked and told exactly him what he wanted to hear. In a flurry of words, you’d agreed to turn off your laptop, close up your textbooks and actually put your head to a pillow.

You also may have been bribed.

To sweeten this deal, Kuroo had promised to buy you pizza this upcoming Friday, given that you actually did get some rest.

But as you reluctantly lift your phone, the glass screen glowing a little too brightly, you realize that it’s already 5:30 am.

You grimace.

It’s Tuesday morning. Meaning that the repetitive beeping across the hall is Kuroo’s alarm.

Your lips press into a firm line. Most birds don’t even get up at such a godless hour.

You can’t help but wonder what it’s like to have a functional morning routine. Or a morning routine at all.

Leaning back in your plastic desk chair, you squeeze your eyes shut.

It stings.

You probably got so caught up staring at the blob-like words on your computer screen that, somewhere in the process, your body had forgotten how to blink.

And while the tension in your neck and shoulders is painful, it’s nothing in comparison to the festering guilt of not listening to your longtime best friend and now roommate (a suspiciously well-intentioned college boy who had somehow managed to win your heart over the course of this fall semester.)

Thinking back, working on your final English assignment at midnight wasn’t the brightest of ideas. It wasn’t even due for another week. But as due dates loomed, the impending fear of a bad grade had begun to burrow deeply within you.

If you could just pump the brakes on deadline anxiety, you wouldn’t feel so pressured to type incoherent sentences at odd and empty hours of the night.

And maybe Kuroo wouldn’t feel the need to coerce you into a firmer sleep schedule. Though you do find this caring habit of his to be inexplicably endearing.

Thus, the prickling feeling continues to infiltrate your restless mind and the brewing concoction of anxiety and guilt in your tummy makes you feel uneasy.

But before you can sneak into bed and tuck yourself inconspicuously under the covers, you hear a floorboard creak.

As if on instinct, you hold in a breath.

Kuroo isn’t one to forget about little promises. Of course, he’d want to know if you’d made good on your side of the deal.

Gently, you close your laptop and swivel your chair to face the door. You still your movements, keeping your body taut against the back of your chair.

More soft steps fall just outside of your room.

Your eyes can’t pick a place to land, so they choose to wander. And with a quick scan of your room, it doesn’t take you long to realize that your bedside lamp had been left on - an instant giveaway.

You begin planning for your funeral.

However, if it were up to you, you wouldn’t go out this way. You prepare yourself for death by interrogation or shame-induced coma.

Regrettably, neither options seem very interesting to you. If you ask politely, maybe your friends will engrave a portion of an epic poem into your gravestone just to make your passing seem more sophisticated. Yeah, that sounds nice and pretentious.

Okay, you might be overdramatizing things - Kuroo would never send you to your grave. But that doesn’t change the fact that your psyche likes to play tricks on you in the wee hours of the morning and that the eerie quality of the atmosphere somehow reminds you of a cemetery.

As you sort through who-gets-what on your will, there’s a not so sudden knock on your door. The soft tap makes your heart skip for two reasons:

The first being that you still haven’t gotten used to the fluttering in your chest from him being present all the time. Developing a crush on him (and suspecting feeling on his side) had made you a little jumpier over the past few months.

And the second had to do with the fact that you were actually going to have to talk to him about this. To apologize for being a bold-faced liar. It wasn’t clear to you whether you’d be teased or reprimanded. And honestly? You’re not sure which option would feel worse.

So you take a breath and steel yourself.

“Y/n?” A gravelly voice sounds from outside your room.

It’s tainted with sleep. You shiver.

There’s a preemptive sigh, “C’mon y/n, your light is on. I know you’re awake.”

You’ve been caught, so there’s no point in prolonging it.

“...You can come in.” You reply meekly, clenching and unclenching your fists.

The door cracks open.

That soft orange hall light floods into your room and directly into your eyes. With a squint, you try to fully visualize Kuroo. He’s positioned himself so that he’s leaning in your doorway with his arms crossed.

Before coming to grips with the situation, you scan the boy up and down. Amusingly, you realize that he has to duck his head just to fit underneath the door header - he really is tall. You have to wonder if he’ll ever stop growing.

Aside from his intensified bedhead (which doesn’t shock you) and the sleepiness in his eyes, he looks normal. But you must look positively spooked, because the moment he sees you, there’s a flicker of humor in his golden eyes… and an almost invisible smirk.

At least he isn’t angry. That fact alone allows you to let out the breath you’ve been holding in. Anger isn’t really a trait you’d ascribe to him anyway.

“It’s funny…” He wonders aloud, “I thought we’d agreed to something yesterday.” Kuroo brings a mocking hand to his chin in a thinking motion.

Your body naturally begins to shrink into your seat. You want to sigh, protest, explain yourself… anything to keep him from lecturing you. But, technically, you deserve this.

“I’m pretty sure you promised me you’d be in bed, asleep,” He emphasizes “by 2 am…”

“And” he adds, motioning evenly to your set up, “I highly doubt you’re up early just to get work done.”

You bite your lip while gripping and releasing the fabric of your sweatpants.

Kuroo isn’t a mind reader by any extent, but the body has a language of its own. Right now, your actions are murmuring signs of discomfort. And exhaustion, according to your dark circles.

Kuroo heaves out something between a sigh and a yawn before he takes another couple of steps into your room.

The sound of mattress springs and rustled bed sheets gets you to turn your head toward him, though you hesitate to meet his gaze.

He makes himself comfortable.

This is a familiar scene, Kuroo invading your space. Well, it’s less of an invasion and more of an unspoken agreement that the both of you can ‘come and go as you please’ in regards to bedrooms, granted that the “invader” knocks first.

Essentially, if Kuroo wanted company, he would find his way to you and plop himself on the edge of your bed. You would do likewise. The interaction could last 5 minutes or 3 hours depending on your mental stamina that day.

In a way, it mimicked your childhood - going over to Kenma’s and knocking relentlessly on his bedroom door until he finally let you and Kuroo tumble through the doorway together. The only difference now is in the way that you spend time together. Conversations become deeper a lot faster. Belly-laughs after a miserable day of classes are considered sacred. Study sessions are done shoulder to shoulder and with a myriad of disgusted faces when frustrated with a particularly tricky problem.

But this is different from your usual conversations. It’s sickeningly early, you haven’t slept a wink, and a tidal wave of stress from this entire semester is finally crashing into you.

“I’m sorry,” You start softly, fiddling with your fingers, “I just… I couldn’t stop thinking about this expository essay I’ve been working on and my mind is totally numb. I’m so stressed out by all of these-”

“-Classes.” He finishes for you.

You swallow, bobbing your head softly in confirmation.

“I get it.”

And just by looking at him, you know he understands. For someone so laid back and put together, Kuroo’s eyes could speak a novel’s worth of emotion and information at any given moment.

“But you’ve already spent more than enough time on it.”

Have I really? Have I actually done enough? Because it feels like I’m failing. Like I can’t seem to finish what I’ve started. I can’t even complete this paper.

But at least Kuroo sounds resolute.

He’s stating a fact, not an opinion.

And he’s not trying to be unempathetic. He does get it, he really does.

But Kuroo also sees how hard you work already. And he knows all too well that there’s only so much work you can get done in one night. You’ve got enough on your plate even without your classes, so having the extra academic pressure is just the cherry on top.

“Mm,” you hum, “yeah, I guess you of all people would know.” You hunch over and rest your elbows on your thighs, using your hands to prop your head up.

He’d been there at your most and least productive moments. On days when you were cranking out a few thousand words and nights when you could only jot down a few sentences. Hell, Kuroo had even volunteered to help you edit and format it when the time came. What kind of person offers to do that before they’ve even been asked to?

It’s just another feature of his charm, you suppose.

But you still feel stuck. Like you’re a boat stranded in the middle of the ocean and you just can’t seem the muster up the strength to pull up the anchor. The anxiety lingers.

“...It just doesn’t feel like it’s ever enough, y’know?” You breathe out.

There it is. Finally out in the open.

And Kuroo hums thoughtfully to himself.

He’s been there.

Not knowing if the effort he put into his work was having any actual effect. Being unsure as to when he should stop taking responsibility for something. Putting work, classes, and people before himself.

It’s draining; a swirling spin-cycle of exhaustion.

But he’s also been learning that “enough” is subjective. So he decides to say just that.

“Enough is a pretty vague word, don’t you think?”

You blink.

Yeah, you suppose it is.

Hopefully this isn’t another one of his bizarre epiphanies - the kind that makes you think your brain is going to implode. Sometimes Kuroo could be a little too philosophical for his and your own good. But you humor him anyway.

Shifting in your seat, you give him a stiff nod.

Satisfied with your understanding, he proceeds with his thought.

“What I mean is that we probably have totally different definitions of enough...” he drawls on, “... and different standards too.”

“Okay...”

“What I mean is that-” He sighs, running a hand through his hair, “-what’s ‘enough’ to you may not be ‘enough’ to me. And vice versa.”

Kuroo tilts his head back, brows furrowing in thought. He’s grasping for the right way to put it.

“Y/n, I think you’ve done enough. You’ve worked hard,” he points out, “and I don’t think I know anyone who deserves a break more than you do.”

That makes you pause. You lift your head up to catch his gaze - his eyes are already studying your expression. Something inside of you stops functioning because never have you seen such raw sincerity. Or maybe you have, but you’re only just now noticing it.

He gives you a gentle smile. It makes your chest ache.

“You mean it?” You half-whisper.

“I wouldn’t lie to you.”

You’ve known this for years now, but Kuroo truly has a way with words. They had the ability to pierce like a harpoon or stick sweetly to you like warm honey. Even with a few (thousand) shitty jokes littered throughout your conversations, it’s only natural to be awestruck by him. By his ability to make even the most awkward of situations a little more bearable. How he subliminally knows how to soothe and temper you. You think he would make a really great businessman - he’s quite persuasive; a real salesperson.

One part of you wants to apologize to him again. Another part wants to jump up and kiss him. To tear up and cry in his arms with relief. You chalk these potential reactions up to exhaustion and hormones… but you don’t write them off entirely.

Because suddenly being 3 feet apart feels like miles. And your bed is looking terribly comfortable.

“Mind if I join you?” You ask, but you’re already moving from your seat.

He gives you an indifferent shrug - though he feels anything but.

“It’s your bed.”

Oh, you’re well aware of that fact. You can already feel heat rising to your face.

You stand up slowly, raising your arms to the ceiling in one final attempt to stretch. Then softly, you place a knee to the mattress and wedge yourself on the rest of the way until you’re sitting crisscrossed in front of him. He shifts his torso so that it’s facing you.

And now that you’re finally eye to eye, you can breathe.

He may be your crush, but you feel strangely comfortable in his presence. You always have. It’s part of what makes Kuroo... well, Kuroo. He embodies security while still pushing you out of your comfort zone. And for that, you’re grateful.

You break the silence.

“I really am sorry,” you echo your earlier apology.

You undoubtedly are. And you’re not sure why it feels like such a heavy thing to say over something as menial as a good night’s sleep.

“Hey, hey,” He soothes, reaching a hand over to ruffle your hair, “it’s no big deal, alright?”

You send him a half-hearted glare but it immediately breaks into a soft smile. His hand lingers for a moment longer than it should before he draws it away. You miss the teasing touch.

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to maintain eye-contact, but even as you look away, you note that his eyes remain concentrated on you. You can’t tell if it’s you who has moved closer or if he has. Either way, those few inches of distance have narrowed by a decent margin.

“I honestly just wanted you to get some rest. You’ve had it rough and by the looks of it-” He scans your face like he’s trying to diagnose you with something.

“Hey, watch it-” You warn, narrowing your eyes.

You already know you look tired. Kuroo loves reminding you of that in his own little way.

He smirks playfully, continuing anyway.

“-You could really use the sleep.” Kuroo’s raspy voice trails off.

“But apparently even pizza isn’t a convincing enough strategy.” He gives you a lopsided grin.

You shake your head, “Oh no, no, the pizza was very convincing.”

He scoffs, “Was it, now?” Raising his eyebrows in mock surprise, “Because you seem very awake to me.”

“Can’t we just blame this on the paper, please?” You sigh.

He furrows his brows in contemplation, “Hmm, no. I don’t think so. This is partially your fault.” A rather underwhelming response.

“A small part.”

“I’d say it's fifty-fifty.” He reasons with a raised eyebrow.

Rolling your eyes, you respond, “Okay, you can quit whatever-” You gesture to his expression, “this is.” He always managed to pull the strangest faces and you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of making you laugh.

He snorts, “Oh? I thought you liked-” Kuroo gestures to his own face, “whatever this is.”

His voice has a curious edge to it. Some might even call it flirtatious.

And you go quiet.

You can’t help but stare at him. His messy hair, his barely parted lips. The fact that Kuroo just woken up and somehow still looks this attractive to you is so annoying. So frustrating.

And words are failing you.

It was an innocent comment. He’s just messing with you like he usually does. Maybe this has all gone a little bit too far. You should probably just say good night (or good morning) and rest your eyes.

Yet you can’t shake the feeling that this could be the perfect segway into addressing your relationship.

At literally any other time of day, you might be more rational. You could reason with yourself that this is quite literally the weirdest time to bring up your feelings for him. But something in you needs to close the literal and figurative gap between you two. And, for some indecipherable reason, it has to happen right now.

Whatever the outcome, you trust that Kuroo will always be your safe place.

So you throw caution to the wind.

“Actually, Kuroo…” You begin, staring at your hands which are placed neatly on your lap. “I really do.”

His eyes snap to yours.

This time it’s Kuroo’s turn to go silent in contemplation. Taking in a steady breath becomes an act of labor.

“You… really do what?” He asks slowly, grasping for your intended meaning.

Your heart pounds.

“I really like you.” You clarify.

It isn’t at all eloquent, but it’s sincere. You’d once heard that honesty came easier late at night, but you had no idea that it applied to early mornings as well.

But you finally make sense of the words that just escaped your lips. Panic arises. In an attempt to hide, you bury your face in your hands. You wish you could put the words right back into your mouth.

“I-” You take a deep breath, “I think I spoke without thinking.” Is all you allow yourself to mumble.

You no longer trust yourself with words.

Your face, your whole body really, feels like it’s on fire. Humiliation begins to wash over you in red hot waves… but you startle when a pair of hands meet your wrists.

You lift your head.

His fingertips are warm and worn. Still decorated with calluses from his years of volleyball back in high school. You want to question why the world has withheld this touch from you for so long.

He lures your hands away from your face, grasping both of them gently. For a sensation so new, it was somehow strikingly familiar. A thumb is meditatively tracing small, slow circles in the middle of your palm.

You gawk in disbelief… and as you scan his face, you catch a hint of pink on his cheeks. You can’t say anything though - your own face feels like it’s just become 1000 degrees warmer.

“I kinda figured you might,” Kuroo breaks the tension rather… bluntly.

Of course he did, wait what?

“But the thing is…”

Is this some sort of rejection? Is he just letting you down gently? Is that why he’s holding your hands like they’re as fragile as fine china? Then why is he looking at you so sweetly, so tenderly-

“I wanted to be the one to say it first.”

You start planning your own funeral again.

However, this time, emotional whiplash will be your stated cause of death. At least it’s a more unconventional way to go out.

“I- uh,” you swallow, “w- what did you just say?” It comes out as a stammer.

You’re squeezing his hands a little too tightly. When you recognize your modest death grip around his fingers you loosen your hold.

Kuroo smiles, his eyes crinkling slightly.

It’s nothing like that cunning smirk that you find annoying, yet so adorable. It’s also not one of his full-scale grins. It’s far too simple and reassuring. You almost don’t trust it.

“Well, in short, I like you too,” He re-explains, searching your face for a reaction, “but... I’d hoped to tell you that over pizza on Friday.” Kuroo looks away.

If you weren’t already gaping over his personal confession, you would probably be laughing at this new side of Kuroo. He looks unmistakably bashful.

It takes you a second to recover, but you finally open your mouth to respond...

But you’re cut off by Kuroo, once again. His softened expression is long gone. And, much to your dismay, he’s suddenly shifting himself off of your bed.

“It’s just too bad you didn’t keep up your end of the bargain. I guess that means there’ll be no pizza… no movie… no me.” He slowly releases your hands, knitting his brows together to feign sorrow - it looks hilariously forced, but you’re too worried about the warmth leaving your fingertips to care.

He’s teasing you like you’re his best friend.

And that’s because you are.

So then why does it feel like something’s changed? Like he’s daring you to make the next move?

Before he can pull away and leave, you tug at his hand which draws his whole body toward you.

Your heartrate spikes through the roof. When’s the last time you’ve been this close to someone? To a guy? A guy who’s shown actual living, breathing interest in you.

And he’s in your face.

Close enough that his scent, his cologne, is drowning your senses. Close enough that his breath is fanning faintly against your cheek. Close enough that you know there’s only one thing left for you to do.

Before you can think to hesitate, your lips are brushing up against his.

Intuitively, he brings his hands to your face, closing any extra distance.

Kuroo’s thumb feathers over your cheekbone, stroking it tenderly. His lips apply very little pressure and it’s unbearably delicate, but it fills you with an indescribable warmth. His lips linger just long enough for you to detect the mint from his toothpaste - he can probably taste the cinnamon tea you’ve been sipping on over the past hour. As far as kisses go, it’s reserved, but perfect for this distinct moment.

Plus, you figure, this is just the first of many longer, more eager kisses - though you can’t imagine being more breathless than you already are right now.

But you can hardly get another taste of him before those warm hands on your cheeks are prying you away. He stares. You stare back. His eyes are brimming with something warm and full. You immediately choose to label it, “affection.”

And in a much lower voice, Kuroo murmurs, “Let’s save this for later.”

You scan his face, wondering if he’s actually serious. He gradually makes his way off of the bed and onto his feet and before you can protest, Kuroo is speaking again.

“You-”

He leans down and gingerly lifts your chin with his fingers. The gentleness of his touch almost makes you flinch, but you somehow manage to hold it in the road. Though now you’re really at a loss for words.

“-need to get some good rest.”

He places a chaste kiss on your forehead.

You still feel it after he pulls away. After he closes the door. After you’ve laid you head down on your pillow in shock.

How does he expect you to fall asleep after all of that?

---

extra: this is dedicated to Izzy - our sleep schedules may be jacked up, but i’m pretty sure it’s a blessing in disguise if we’re taking our time zones into consideration. thanks for making me laugh & for not stealing my quarter of the braincell.

and to my precious friends and followers - thank you for being patient with me. it’s hard to post or even write at the moment, but i’m steadily pushing myself toward a better mindset. i appreciate your comments, likes, and the fact that y'all even bother to check out my works in the first place. i’m working on it.

also happy birthday, Tetsu. you’re a real star.

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu x reader #kuroo x reader #kuroo tetsurou #kuroo

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hellomynameisbisexual · 4 years

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Most people know to anticipate some degree of change when they’re in a committed, long-term romantic relationship: a desire for more nights in with Netflix instead of drunken ragers on the dance floor; the inevitable shift of physical appearances; the unexpected transformation of a side gig into a career. But many people assume sexual orientation is fairly stable—that whether you’re gay or straight, you’re “born this way,” and that’s what you’ll be forever.

That definitely isn’t always the case. But even though coming out as queer or bisexual in a committed straight relationship isn’t unheard of, a change in sexual identity is not something that many people anticipate happening within a long-term partnership, nor is it widely discussed. Despite the advancements in broader social understanding of LGBTQ issues made in the past decade, therapists Jared Anderson and Tamala Poljak told VICE that many of their patients fear that being bi or queer when straight-partnered could doom their relationship. There’s also a pervasive idea that a person in a hetero relationship can’t be LGBTQ because they have chosen to commit, and are presumably attracted to, a member of the opposite sex. But bisexuality is a valid orientation, and while it may feel intimidating to embrace this discovery and stay hetero-partnered, it’s by no means impossible.

“I believe both gender and sexuality [are] fluid, meaning we change throughout a lifespan,” Poljak said, adding that recent cultural shifts have likely led to light bulb moments for some individuals who has been denying or simply not recognizing their queer feelings.

Sexuality doula Isabella Frappier, whose work includes helping clients own and define their sexual expression, said that a person doesn’t need to have acted on any same-sex-attracted feelings in order to label themselves as queer or bisexual, and that bisexuality can be explored while still honoring an extant relationship, especially since everyone has different definitions of what it means to explore.

Bisexuality is often dismissed as a phase, and the idea that bisexual people are "just confused" persists. This is especially true for men; while bisexuality among women is slightly more socially acceptable (albeit because it’s fetishized and often viewed as an "experiment"), men often have to contend with the belief that bisexuality, as Carrie once put it on Sex and the City, is “a pit stop on the way to gay town.”

These myths stem from our society’s historically rigid approach to sexual expression. Experts are adamant that a person's bisexuality does not invalidate the love they have for their opposite-sex partner. According to Poljak, an associate marriage and family therapist, the idea that a person needs to “pick a side” is a rooted in heteronormative expectations.

The question, “Am I queer or bi enough?” can also weigh heavily on people who think they might not be all the way straight, as though there is a certain amount of "proof" that could confirm their sexuality. As much as those questioning might like to think there’s a litmus test that will tell them whether or not they’re truly bi, that’s simply not the case.

“For queer folks, it just isn’t so cut and dry,” Poljak said. “The hope to ‘figure it out’ and/or find ‘an answer’ is a pretty rigid idea steeped in heteronormative expectations. It also puts a lot of pressure on a person to have to declare one thing and stick to it. If you know you are attracted to one or more genders, then it’s really that simple.”

A journey into one’s queerness doesn’t have to involve sex outside of the relationship, or even sex in general. Just noticing that you’re attracted to other genders can be the extent of this exploration. The act of coming out to yourself, or maybe saying, “I’m bi. I don’t know what that looks like yet, and that’s OK,” has the potential to be extremely affirming.

You might find comfort in connecting with other queer folks, especially since identifying as queer might otherwise make you feel vulnerable or isolated. Some people are validated by coming out to friends and family, or by getting involved with the queer community. Frappier encouraged people exploring their bi/queer identity to go to LGBTQ events, read books about sexuality or written by queer authors, support bisexual artists and musicians, or join queer groups. Online, Reddit’s r/bisexual subreddit is a funny and informative space for bi folks to ask questions or simply discuss their experiences, while the Fluid Arizona resource page and Autostraddle's events and meet-ups can help queer folks build an IRL community.

If you decide you want to connect more physically with your queer sexual desires, but aren’t sure where to begin, start small. “I’d first encourage a person in this situation to start by considering the multiple ways they can explore their queerness on their own,” Frappier said. “That can be through watching ethical same-sex porn, or writing your own erotica.”

Experts strongly encouraged discussing your queerness with your partner eventually, as the secrecy can ultimately strain the relationship. (It can also contribute to the harmful idea that your queerness is somehow scandalous, or something to be ashamed of.) If you’re worried that your partner will react poorly, or you aren’t ready to share your feelings with them yet, consider talking to a professional, a trusted friend or loved one, or a queer friend who may relate a bit to what you are going through. Poljak, who is trained as an LGBTQ-affirmative therapist, said it’s crucial for people questioning their sexuality to have a solid support system. Studies show that bisexual people are at a higher risk of depression, anxiety, and experiencing violence than their gay, lesbian, and heterosexual counterparts. While staying in the closet can be a necessary choice for a myriad of reasons, research shows that the stress of concealment contributes to disrupted relationships, feelings of shame and guilt, and symptoms of anxiety and depression.

If you feel ready to talk with your significant other, avoid starting the conversation when either of you are tired or distracted, in the middle of a fight, or in any situation where tensions are high. Instead, choose a time when you both feel relaxed and won’t be rushed, like over coffee on a Saturday morning.

You don’t have to have everything figured out before you talk to your partner. Frappier said that it’s perfectly fine to tell them you’re in a questioning, exploratory phase, and then communicate what you’d like that to look like. There’s no need to choose a label unless you’d like to.

“Explain to [your partner] how you’ve been feeling, what you’re desiring to explore, and how you imagine that could look within your relationship,” Frappier said. She advised that it’s wise to let your partner know that your sexual expression is not a reflection of the relationship, but more about exploring a new part of yourself.

“Once you’re finished speaking, it’s important to give them space to share, and to really listen to how they are feeling,” Frappier said. “They may take it in stride, or need a little time to process it.”

Don’t stress if the first conversation doesn’t go as well as you’d hoped; this will likely be the first of many discussions. Anderson, who specializes in trauma and relationships, said that if any of these conversations get heated or overly emotional, it’s a good idea to press pause and revisit the topic once both partners have had a chance to cool off.

Couples therapy can also be extremely beneficial. “Ideally, both the person coming out and the partner of that person would be in individual therapy with a therapist who is trained in LGBTQ-affirmative therapy,” Poljak said. “The same is true if [you're] deciding to open your marriage, explore polyamory or emotional monogamy, and/or redefine your marital contract. The therapist needs to have more than just general knowledge of alternative, queer lifestyles, and understand the multiple systems at play.”

Psychology Today is the most thorough national network for finding mental health professionals, and allows users to search using various classifications, including sexuality and type of therapy (the “compassion-based” and “culturally sensitive” filters are good options for LGTBQ folks). Some health insurance plans allow users to filter for therapists who specialize in LGBTQ issues when searching for in-network providers. For POC-specific options, the National Queer and and Trans Therapists of Color Network is a good resource. For those struggling to find an in-person therapist, Pride Counseling offers digital therapy sessions via phone, messaging, and video call.

After your initial conversations and once you've sought any additional support you might find helpful, you and your partner may want to formulate an action plan. If you want to include your partner in your sexual exploration (and they are comfortable with that), the plan might include attending queer events, watching queer porn together, role-playing, engaging in threesomes, and/or swinging. If you’d prefer to explore your sexuality without your partner, but with other people, you may need to discuss opening up your relationship.

“Some folks find it exciting or even sexy, and perhaps a discussion unfolds about opening up the marriage or exploring poly or engaging in new kinds of play and fantasy with their partners,” Poljak said. “Maybe it even inspires their partner to share with honesty some queerness of their own that is emerging. Ideally, there is space for people’s differences and otherness to be expressed without having to lose the relationship, or having to abandon or sacrifice yourself.”

This sort of exploration is not one-size-fits-all. Regardless of the route you take, Frappier stresses the importance of discussing boundaries and safety throughout. If the two of you are struggling to find some sort of consensus when it comes to boundaries, that doesn’t mean the discussion regarding exploration is over forever. It’s very common for couples to have multiple conversations surrounding this topic, especially if one partner is asking to renegotiate the marital contract in some way.

Just as it’s reasonable for a person to want to explore their burgeoning sexuality outside of the relationship, it’s also reasonable for the other partner to say, “I’m not cool with that.” In some instances, it might be in the interest of both individuals to go their separate ways… and that’s OK, too.

“A marriage is a partnership that lasts as long as it’s right,” writer Nadia Rawls said after coming out to, and, later, ending things with her now–ex-husband. Rawls said she tried to make it work with her husband for six months, but ultimately realized that separating was the best option. “It takes a hell of a partner to help their spouse grow into the person they really are,” Rawls wrote. “Even if that means losing them.”

Rawls’s story is just one of many—Frappier and Poljak said that many couples make it work, too. It’s hard to predict how your partner might react, or how you’ll feel or what you’ll want, once you start exploring your queerness or bisexuality. That uncertainty is part of what makes the process of coming out in a straight relationship so intimidating. But the reward of being honest—both with yourself and with your partner—is the gift of a more authentic life. Regardless of the outcome, that is worth pursuing.

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henryobsessed · 4 years

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The Borrower and Her Bean Part 17

Summery: Melina and Henry have time together on the window sill

Word Count: 1461

Warning: Gentle Kissing

A/N hehe brain is starting to function again. Hope you like it. :) Selah

Part 16 - Part 18

The Sky was Inky black and the stars shone bright, looking out over the trees and silhouettes of his neighborhood Henry was struck with how big the world looked now that he was only 4.5 inches tall. Once again the perspective difference between now and when he had looked out of this window as his big self was extraordinary. Looking up at the sky he could see why Lina was so enamored with the Moon and Stars. From this panoramic view, they truly looked like Gods in the sky.

He turned back and gazed at Lina, she was lost in thought looking out at the night sky. The light from the moon seemed to be mirrored in her eyes as they shone with brightness. Moving behind her he wrapped his arms around her waist and leant his head on hers. It took but a moment for her to melt back against him. He enjoyed the way she felt in his arms, they seemed to be a perfect fit at this moment in this time as they looked up at the stars. They were silent for some time both lost in the feel of each other. Then out of the silence, Melina spoke "I never thought, not in my wildest dreams imagined I would be standing here. I truly thought I would be alone with no one to share my life with." He could hear the vulnerability in her voice at the spoken statement. He squeezed her tighter against him and whispered into her hair "If I can I will try my hardest to never leave you. Even if I grow big again I will put you first Lina." turning her around to face him he lifted a hand to gently wipe a stray tear from her cheek.

He smiled at her as she leant her cheek into his hand, it was too perfect, she was too perfect leaning down he captured her lips in a gentle kiss. He wasn't sure what he had expected, this was not his first but that innocent gentle kiss left him more breathless than any kiss he had given before. Her eyes were still closed as he pulled away needing to balance himself, leading her over to the edge of the sill closet to the glass, they sat and leant against the trim. He pulled her into his arms as they settled looking out at the night sky again. Her arm wrapped around his waist, her head leaning against his chest. As the night continued they discussed their dreams and fears, Melina sharing her life as a borrower, Henry sharing his as a bean until each one fell asleep. The last thought that lingered on both their minds was how long would this last.

The two sets of silver eyes looked out at the borrower and the bean as they slept in each other's arms. The Star fairies looked at each other as one whispered: "Did we make the right decision Night Song?" Night song played with her dark brown hair as she thought "I don't know Whisper, they seem good together as Borrowers but I know that our wishes never work out the way we want." The two Star fairies continued in silences observing the couple a cheeky grin crossing there faces as they contemplated there next move.

Henry looked at his phone, the morning had been quiet. After waking stiff and sore on the window sill after a night of talking, Melina had returned to her bed. Unable to sleep a nagging thought in the back of his mind that he needed to check up with his agent he had sought out his phone to check messages. It had taken him a few minutes to type in his pin as the phone could not recognize his thumbprint or face he had resorted to manually typing in his pin. Once he had unlocked the phone, it began to let out a continual stream of sound as the myriads of texts downloaded. He scrolled through the texts from family, friends, His agent and even some ex-girlfriends. It seemed that the longer they were in lockdown the more people began reaching out.

He responded to the ones that were most important then settled in to read the ones from his agent. They followed in the same vein as the email "Call me, it's important", "Henry, Where are you call me this is really urgent" he texted her back "Sorry my voice isn't working please text back" He waited but a minute his hands resting on the screen waiting. "Ok, thank God you finally responded. Are you sitting down? They want you, James Bond want you. You finally got it Henry" He did sit at that falling beside the phone. "How could this happen?" he mumbled. Just as he was getting used to this lifestyle the first punch to the stomach. He had coveted this role ever since he got knocked back for being too young. Running his hands through his hair he breathed out a sigh, she was worth it, she was worth giving up his career. Chuckling to himself he knew he had it bad, no one had ever made him feel like he could change his career for them.

He felt eyes on him as Greg stepped out of the shadows. The young man had a frown on his face, had he heard his mumblings? As he reached Henry, Greg a sat opposite him speaking slowly "Are you ok Henry?" just talking to someone else about this gave great relief to him, he sat and shared his news and how instead of being upset and angry at the loss of this converted role instead it had just cemented his commitment to being with Melina. Greg's eyes were serious as Henry came to the close of his story "Henry, no matter what you choose to do, we will support you, Melina will support you. If for some reason you turn big again or you stay a borrower it's all moot point now. Your family." His face broke in a smile at the look of surprise on the bigger man's face, Henry chose that moment to declare " well, as of this moment Greg, I know I love your sister and I hope that I will continue to stay a borrower for both our families futures." Greg leaned over and hugged Henry. Pulling back he stood dusted off his pants and left. Followed not much later by Henry looking forward to what adventures were in store for today.

Melina had woken slightly disorientated, her heart was still giddy from the intimacy of the night before. It had seemed to her that they were well on their way to developing a true relationship both letting their walls down and sharing the deep places of their hearts. Not knowing how much time they had she ran in search of the handsome bean to make the most of their time. She saw his phone glowing on the floor in the living room. He must have been here. Getting closer she saw a communication open, as she read her heart dropped into her stomach. Her worst fear realised. A converted role, one he had been seeking for, reading the passion of the statement from his agent she realised, at that moment she loved him too much to hold him back to rob him of this achievement. She ran quickly back to the window sill, she knew she needed to partition the Moon and the starts on his behalf.

Looking up at the bright sky she hoped they were able to hear her "Moon and Stars please hear my plea. I thank you for giving me this time to get to know Henry. He has filled my heart with joy. but I need you to turn him back. It's not right to keep him from living a human life. I will always love him and be here for him but this is my sacrifice for his happiness please turn him back" she then curled up against the window sill and cried. Her weeping heard until she fell asleep.

Whisper and Starsong looked over there friend, they were always there watching. During the day they were dim as the suns brightness blinded those who looked to the heavens. But they were always there. They heard her plea, her desire for the bean and to fulfil his dreams. The sacrifice she displayed in that one wish gave them the final piece. They had been waiting to know what to do and now they knew. Tonight when the Borrower and the Bean slept they would wake to a very different situation.

I have Tagged people who follow me and who I follow if you want to be removed or added please let me know :)@keanureevesisbae @darkverrmin @viking-raider @littlefreya @madbaddic7ed @the-soot-sprite @thelastsock @lovetusilver20 @crimsonrae @demivampirew @ladyreapermc @henrycavillobsessed @nitannichionne @runawayolives @heartfelt-pen @omgkatinka @star017 @llly113 @sad-ghost-of-garbage @ayamenimthiriel @starstruckkittyangel @summersong69 @notyouraveragemochii @imneonpanda @carriebee1 @ivyfatale @thereisa8ella @lucy930@sarahmichelle5 @stuckupstucky @cleodoramer @kmuir1@elliepower @xobriellaxo24 @xxxkatxo @supernovacocorocha@hennerslionhat @xo-mery-ox @waitedforlove743 @ladamari68@coksy @wickedrum @harleyfranquinn @mysticalstrangerearthquake @justrae9903 @willkatfanfromasia@daddys-littlewhitegirl @cavilladdict @lebguardians@theblondetumbleweed @snowbellexx @radaofrivia@geralttheewitcher @acdd22 @lana-rose5 @skorimizize @abschaffer2

#theborrowerandherbean #henry cavill x ofc #henry cavill fanfic #the borrowers #GT #giant little

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

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1. What would you do if your pet suddenly started to talk to you, but nobody else could hear it? Would you assume you'd gone mad or simply be happy for the company? Would you try to convince your friends and family or would you be satisfied keeping it to yourself? Omggg, that would be so trippy. I’d definitely be freaked out at first and think someone slipped me something haha. I think I’d keep trying to talk to her and get her to respond before it really set it in that it was really happening. I’d have so many questions and things I’d want to say. That would be so cool. Hopefully, she wouldn’t have anything bad to say... ha. What if she just started going in on me about everything I’ve said and what she has observed. She’d be like, “girl, you need to get your shit together.” haha. What if she wasn’t as sweet and loving as I think she is? :O lol. Nah, we’d have an even closer bond. (: Anyway, I honestly don’t know if I would tell anyone. I’d certainly want to. I’m positive I would try and record her talking for proof. If not, then maybe I’d try to prove it another way. Like, have my family say or ask her something without me hearing and then ask her about it and tell them what she said. I’d find some way!

2. When you answer the phone, what do you typically say? Is it different depending on whom the caller ID says it is (if you have caller ID)? Generally, just a typical “hello.” Sometimes I’ll say something else when my mom calls. Like, jokingly I might act annoyed and say, “What do you want?” or “Hey, boobala/boob” lol. My family and I call each other those nicknames.

3. Is there a food that you only recently started to like? If so, what is it and when did you start liking it? How often do you try again foods you don't like to see if your tastes have changed? Prior to a couple months ago I didn’t eat breakfast sandwiches very often and the addition of cream cheese was something new for me. It’s not that I didn’t like breakfast sandwiches before, it just wasn’t something I had too often. My brother got me hooked on this local place that makes ‘em and then we started making our own. I also started eating guacamole with my scrambled eggs. I don’t retry foods I don’t like. If I don’t like something then I just don’t eat it again.

4. Who would you NOT want to read the surveys you've posted on here? What would most likely happen if they did read it? Is there anyone you actually wish would read your survey answers but whom doesn't? I’m really open on here and share stuff that I don’t express or open up about in person. I can get deep and dark sometimes. I wouldn’t want my family to see some of my responses because I wouldn’t want them to worry or know certain things. There isn’t anyone I know that I want to see my surveys. These are like my personal journal entries. ...that people I don’t know can read... ha.

5. What three things do you think will become obsolete in the next ten years, and why? Hmm. I don’t know. That requires more thinking than I can be bothered to do.

6. Do you watch Glee? If so, which song do you want to hear on there that they have not yet done? If not, which TV show do you think has the best soundtrack? No, I never got into Glee. I’m not sure about which show I’d say has the best soundtrack. I don’t really pay that much attention to that.

7. What do you find to be the most irritating piece of clothing to wear wet? Are you the type of person to go to great lengths to avoid getting your clothing wet? What about your hair? Jeans for sure, but I don’t like wearing wet clothes of any kind. It’s just uncomfortable and makes me cold. I don’t feel I have to go great lengths to avoid getting wet, though. I don’t encounter situations where that could happen all that often. I don’t mind if it’s raining and I get a little wet, but I don’t want to get drenched. I don’t really care about my hair getting wet anymore, but I used to hate it when I actually attempted styling my hair because my hair gets very frizzy and flat when it gets wet.

8. How often do you witness discrimination? Do you ever speak up about it when you do see it? Or would you only speak up if the discrimination was directed toward you or someone close to you? >> I don't often witness anything, to be honest, since I'm home so often. I don't really have significant experience with blatant discrimination, despite my myriad marginalities. <<<

9. Do you think you would be able to pull off a crime perfectly, without being caught? What about other lies? For example, cheating on your partner without getting caught? Would you be able to get away with it? No. Not that I have any desire to try, but I know I would be too scared and anxious and make mistakes. Not to mention the guilt. Something would give myself away for sure.

10. Are you the type to get embarrassed if your parent/parents acts/act your age? Do they do this often? Or do you think it's stupid to put an age on the way one can act? Pfft, my parents are awesome. My mom especially is a lot cooler than me. People love her.

11. Do you know anyone who has divorced and remarried the same person? What do you/would you think of someone who does that? No, not personally. 12. Do you say goodnight to anybody before you go to bed? If so, does it feel weird if you go to bed without saying it to them? My family and I say it to each other and yeah it does feel weird if for some reason one of us doesn’t.

13. How do you react when you're scared? Do you scream, jump, cover your eyes, etc.? I’m really jumpy and skittish. If it involves a bug, I really freak out and it’s super embarrassing.

14. Who is the best storyteller you know? What do you find best about their storytelling? Is there an interesting story of theirs you'd like to share? My grandpa was. He always told the best stories and he had a lot of ‘em. They could be quite long and go off on tangents at times, but they always came full circle. And he was really funny, too.

15. When you check your e-mail account, how much of it do you delete without even looking at it? Do you have a separate account for junk like this? A lot of it, honestly. Some I can tell by the subject line if it’s something of interest to me like a particular sale.

16. Do you strongly dislike (or even hate) any bands or musical artists? If so, what caused such a strong negative emotion towards them? No, I don’t have any strong negative emotions towards a band or artist. If there’s one I don’t like then I just don’t listen to them, that’s really it.

17. What are you listening to? Is it something you would normally be found listening to, or just something you've started listening to recently? Yeah, I listen to a lot of ASMR.

18. Does/did your school bus stop directly in front of your house? If not, where does/did it stop? I never had to take the school bus, but no there isn’t one that stops in my neighborhood that I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure where to be honest. I did take the public bus in college sometimes, though. The bus stop isn’t right by my house, but it only took me a few minutes to get to it.

19. Do you parents have any collections? If so, what do you think of those collections? My dad has his various sports memorabilia and shoes, my mom has a lot of stuff for her favorite football team, shoes, books, Baby Yoda stuff, Disney Loungefly backpacks, and some other knickknacks.

20. Are there any movies you watch when you're feeling anxious or depressed? If so, what are they, and what about them calms you down and/or lifts your spirits? No, I don’t tend to turn to movies for that. I turn to ASMR and/or another one of my distractions. If I do decide to turn to TV, I just put on something mindless that I’ve already seen that doesn’t require much thinking or paying attention.

21. Would you rather see a band/artist perform in a small club, an arena, or at an outdoor venue? Why? Which one have you been to most recently? I enjoy arenas, personally. From my experience, I’ve never had to be hugged up on people or feel claustrophobic in an arena. Since I’m in a wheelchair, I’ve always just sat up in the nosebleeds and there’s plenty of space and not a lot of people. I can also see better. At a small club or outdoor venue, people would be standing and I wouldn’t be able to see at all.

22. Do you have a favourite role of Johnny Depp's? If you don't like him, what is your favourite role of an actor you like? I’ve always thought he was a very talented actor. My favorite role of his is Sweeney Todd.

23. If you were in a competition to win your dream prize, and you were allowed to decide what the competition would be (trivia about your favourite band, a foot race, singing, etc.) , what would you choose and why? Uhhh. I feel like I’d still end up losing somehow even if I got to choose the competition, ha. I don’t feel like I’m super knowledgeable or especially great at anything.

24. What is your least favourite thing about the English language? Are there any other languages you prefer besides English? Just how we have words like “read” that can be pronounced differently depending on how its used and silent letters. Like why are silent letters a thing?

25. Would you be upset if a long-term partner confessed that they had committed a serious crime before you met? How do you think it would affect your relationship? What type of crime are we talking about and did they already serve their time or whatever was required? That would be a very difficult situation to be in to say the least. If we were in a long-term relationship I couldn’t just drop them and end things like that unless they told me they committed a murder. That would cause a whirlwind of emotions and confusion and shock and gah it would be horrible. It’d be difficult because I would know a different side of them and still have feelings for them, but I wouldn’t able to get past something that serious.

26. Who, out of the people you know, do you think has the most messed-up relationship? Have you ever spoken up about it or do you stay out of it? Have you ever been in a relationship that was really messed-up? No one I know currently.

27. What emotion have you been feeling most commonly lately? Do you like feeling this way? If not, have you done anything to try to change it? Depressed, moody, irritable, frustrated... that’s been ongoing for years now, though. I hate feeling that way, yet I haven’t done anything to try and change it. :/

28. Why did you/your parents choose to live where you do now? Would you move right now if you were able to? Why/why not? If so, where would you like to go? My mom was born here and majority of her family lived and still live here. I’m not quite sure when my dad and his parents came here. My paternal grandparents lived here for awhile until they moved out of state about 20 years ago. My mom was very close to her parents, but they’ve both passed away 10 and 15 years ago now. But yeah, being near family and already living here was the main reason. There was other stuff, too, like not wanting me or my brother to have to change schools and then we both went to the local UC, which is a really great college. And stuff like my parents’ jobs being here and not being financially able to move. So yeah, it’s a lot of different factors, but we’ve honestly been wanting to move for a very long time. We don’t care much for the city itself. I don’t feel tied here despite living all my 31 years here so far. The last year we’ve gotten a little more serious about it and have taken some necessary steps. My brother is graduating soon and I think after that we’re going to finally do it.

29. Is there a song that you think, lyrically, describes your childhood? Have you ever had a song describe your life perfectly, each and every word? How does it make you feel when you come across songs like this? Not my childhood, but yeah there’s several songs that I just really relate to where the lyrics seem to speak right to me. I like using relatable quotes and lyrics to try and express myself or describe how I’m feeling because they do it much better than I can.

30. Do you tend to befriend people who are of a similar, smaller or larger weight than yourself? (Even if it doesn't matter to you, you can admit it.) Has it always been this way? That has honestly never been a factor when befriending someone... like, that doesn’t matter at all. I don’t know why it would. I’m concerned about a person’s personality, who they are as a person, or whether or not we connect.

31. List a random fact (each) you know about 5 of your favourite survey takers: Lane (@inchoate-surveys) has a dog that looks so much like mine named Finn. Elisabeth @bionic-beth) is a teacher in New York. Robyn (@ssurveys) likes Paramore. Lina ( @iaintgotcontrol) is from Sweden, which I think is really cool. I’d love to visit someday. Lauren (@brilliant-bloss0ms) is into interior design.

32. Whenever you have a question about something random, are you more likely to ask Google or someone you know? Does it depend on what exactly you want to know? Do you do both? I just Google it real quick.

33. How old were you when you went on your first date? Was there anything you would change about the experience? How do you think it shaped your expectations? If you've never been on a date, what did you like best about the last meal you ate? I was in my early 20s. We went to dinner and a movie, which was how I thought a first date should go. It was nice.

34. If you had to serve a meal to an ambassador from another country that symbolized your country's culture, what would you choose? Do you think s/he would love it as much as you do? Hamburgers, fries, and apple pie. ha. That’s not my favorite meal, though. If I served my favorite food it would be boneless garic parm and lemon pepper wings, ha.

35. If someone broke into your house and robbed you, what could they take that would piss you off or upset you the most? To what lengths would you go to get it back? Has something like this already happened to you before? My laptop, definitely. There wouldn’t be a whole lot I could do to get it back. I mean yeah, I could file a report but I wouldn’t expect to ever get it back. No, thankfully nothing like that has happened before.

36. Do you enjoy watching the special features found on most DVDs? What do you usually enjoy more: the deleted scenes, the bloopers, the audio commentary, or the behind-the-scenes footage? I very rarely ever watched those, but if I did I checked out the bloopers and maybe the behind-the-scenes footage.

37. Do you care at all about the Stanley Cup playoffs? If so, which team are you rooting for, and is it different than the team you're sure will make it to the cup? If you don't care, is your family the type to get right into a sport, or is the topic of sports rarely spoken about in your house? My dad loves sports and my mom has her favorite football that she gets really into, but I have no interest in sports at all.

38. Have you ever had your own flower garden? If so, what are/were your favourite flowers to plant? No.

39. Would you ever date someone who is exactly like your youngest (or oldest, if you're the youngest) sibling? Why/why not? Some of the same qualities, yeah, such as intelligent, hardworking, ambitious, responsible, funny.

40. Was there something you were afraid of as a child that just seems silly to you now? I was terrified of Ghost Face as a kid and now Scream is one of my favorite scary movies.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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peach-jaehyunie · 5 years

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Everybody Hurts

Pairing: Jaehyun x Reader, Jaehyun x OC

Genre: Polyamory, friends with benefits, angst, one-shot

Warnings: swearing, sexual situations, unhealthy friendship

Rating: 18+

Words: 3,490

Jaehyun is just a FWB, or that's what you tell yourself. Seeing other people is okay; you wanted to be uncommitted...right? When Jaehyun hooks up with someone you're close to bad memories gradually resurface.

A/N: Not sure how I feel about this one...just needed to get some angst off my chest.

Friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Keeping it casual. Amid a busy work schedule, a desire to be uncommitted until you were sure, and a burgeoning sex drive your love life consisted of booty calls. There were only about 3 regulars: people you went out with, spent time with, and, yes, at the end (or sometimes the beginning) of the night had sex with. Spending the night was optional but comfortable. None of them knew each other, but they knew of the other’s existence.

You kissed Maria goodbye, explaining that you couldn’t stay long because you needed to go home to be with your roommate who was going through a bad break up. On the way home, you went to a bakery and bought some sweets to take to Lara, as well as ordering her favourite meal to be delivered to your shared apartment.

Lara hadn’t texted you, but she should have been home from work by now you thought as you climbed the stairs to the 4th floor. You heard music playing as you unlocked the door and walked into your home—looking up to catch Jaehyun’s eyes as he was balls deep inside your roommate.

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” You quickly blurted out, feeling your face heat up uncomfortably, as you ducked out the door. Lara’s eyes never leaving you in your retreat.

You swallowed, trying to process what you had just seen.

“Food delivery,” a young woman called, waking you from your stupor outside your door.

“Thank you,” you said to her as she left.

You sat the food down, and the little confectionary box on top of it all outside the door. You could hear Lara and Jaehyun fucking. In a few minutes you were sitting in a deserted café, the barista was taking your order. You sat facing the window that overlooked the entrance of your apartment complex. It was your day off: you felt sore from rock climbing with Maria, you felt hungry thinking that you probably need that cake more than Lara right about now, but most of all you felt very shitty. Sure, you knew Jaehyun slept with other people, just as you did! But that had never, under any circumstance, prepared you for the day you would walk in on him shagging your roommate. Lara was also, technically, your best friend. You considered that she and Jaehyun have had sex on your couch, but you and Jaehyun never had. It was all okay though because it was just three consenting adults living their life how they please. No harm was done, no one was hurt (well, you were, but that would mean exploring feelings and circumstances you were unsure of). He did nothing wrong. The minutes seemed like hours as you waited for him to leave your house. After an hour you were worried that he might have decided to spend the night. You got up and paid for drinks, relieved to see Jaehyun exiting your apartment building when you next looked out the window. You hoped to find Lara in her room when you got home.

“Hey, sweetie,” she said to you as you walked in.

You internally grimaced seeing her sitting on the sofa—clothed now— drinking a steaming cup of tea. You forced yourself to smile at her.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” You decided to pretend that you didn’t walk in on anything earlier and you were just coming home to console her as originally planned.

“I’m...” a slow smile broke on her face “Actually feeling pretty good.”

Lara patted the seat next to her, and you sat down offering her a hug: she smelled like coconut shampoo and Jaehyun’s cologne. Was it selfish that you just wanted to be in your room right now?

“Oh! I have something for you,” she twisted around to grab an envelope off the coffee table. “Jaehyun dropped by to see you and give you this.”

You opened the envelope: two tickets to the theatre and a little note that read—

Happy early birthday! I know you wanted to see this and it premieres right before your birthday. There are two tickets, I hope you choose me as your date but it’s okay if you don’t.

-Jaehyun

He had signed a messy heart next to his name. You carefully returned the tickets and the note to the envelope.

“It’s a pair of tickets to a play for my birthday.” You told Lara in monotone.

“That’s so sweet! Y/N, when Jaehyun came over to see you, I was such a mess. I felt so bad that I was crying all over him, but I just couldn’t help it. He was so sweet though, and he really comforted me, it was so nice.”

Lara smiled and squeezed your hands. She hesitated before she went on, but she must have been encouraged by the fake smile you gave her.

“Agh, okay, I’m just gonna talk about it! I feel so much better after sleeping with him! I feel like I should maybe just see people casually like you guys do for a while. Just to get back out there, you know?”

No, you didn’t know. You didn’t have multiple relationships to try and break into the dating scene. To your chagrin, Lara began to talk about the sex. She told you all about how it happened (she had kissed him first, and how Jaehyun had been reluctant at first because she was going through a break up), and little things that he had done that her other lovers had never. You felt as if she spoke to you like you hadn’t had sex with Jaehyun multiple times a month for the past year and a half.

“That’s so wonderful, I’m glad you feel so much better. I’m always here if you’re not okay and just want to talk, okay?” You say to her as you part ways in the hallway to your separate rooms. Lies.

Your stomach hurts, maybe from not eating, maybe from feeling stepped on and looked over. You lay in bed, licking your proverbial wounds. “When Jaehyun came over to see you” Yeah, he came over to see me—not you, bitch.

Your stomach churned when you thought of a month ago when you had gotten drunk and told Lara how Jaehyun made you feel. You had told her that he was your favourite—not just in bed, but all around as a person he made you feel happy. You had said that you wanted to still see other people, but you always wanted to see Jaehyun most. She had asked if you loved him. “Of course” had been your reply. But it was not the same type of love that one is accustomed to reading in any two-lovers story. You were not two lovers, you were a myriad of lovers. Each one different, each one bringing something special to the table.

_________________________________

<<Thanks so much, let’s go together!>>

You texted Jaehyun when he asked if you had gotten the envelope. Lara walked around the apartment humming, checking her hair and slipping into her coat.

“You look really nice, where are you headed off to?” You ask her from the kitchen.

“I’m going over to Jaehyun’s, I didn’t want us to keep you up!” She laughed as if she had just been told a very funny joke and shut the front door behind her.

Was it because she was your roommate? Was it because she was your best friend? Why did you hate it so much that Jaehyun was sleeping with Lara. You thought of the model that Jaehyun sometimes saw—you had never met her, but you had seen her pictures in magazines; why didn’t you feel sad about her?

A few days later when you and Lara were watching movies and snacking you realized one reason why:

“Do you think...Jaehyun would ever commit to someone, like do you know if he exclusively dates?” She posed the question to you.

“He has in the past, so I don’t see why not.” You hear yourself say.

You were nothing more than a FWB, you knew that. Someday he was bound to move on with somebody else who was more ready to commit to a socially standard relationship than you.

On Thursday you and Jaehyun met for your usual lunch near work. It was the first time you had seen him since last week.

“Okay, so should we go out to dinner before or after the play on Saturday?”

“After will be kind of late, don’t you think?” You scowled for a second, “Actually, let’s skip dinner, you’re probably busy and I don’t want to take up your whole evening.”

“I’m not busy,” Jaehyun looks across the table at you.

You’re acting weird, and when he tries to put his hand on your knee below the table you pull away saying that the waiter is watching. You feel awful and sad for pushing him away because he did nothing wrong! That’s what you tell yourself every day: they did nothing wrong, but you’re wrong for being upset about it.

——————————————————

“You look really nice.” Jaehyun leans over to kiss you as you settle into the passenger seat. You turn your head at the last second and his lips connect with your cheek. If he is disappointed he hides it well.

“Thank you for this again, I’m really happy I get to see it.” You smile over at him, it feels like an apology and leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

It feels like a date...but it also doesn’t. The two of you have been on dates before and the atmosphere you have created is different. You hold him at a distance; a separation that had never been even when you first met. You and Jaehyun chat comfortably about the play and about your days during intermission, but you feel tension between the two of you.

“Did you like the ending?” You walk a step behind him, navigating your way down the icy steps into the parking garage.

“Yes, but they never said all that they felt. If they had communicated more they could have maybe saved themselves from some of the pain and arguing.” Jaehyun doesn’t say this quickly, he considers his words. You wonder if he’s just talking about the play.

“Not everyone communicates really well with everyone else; neither of them could really talk to the other honestly or in an environment where they actually felt like they were speaking and being heard.” You counter it’s sometimes too easy to see the flaws in another relationship and criticize it. The car unlocks, and with a press of a button from 15 steps away Jaehyun has it running.

“I’m hungry, are you sure you don’t want to go out to eat somewhere?” He looks over at you while putting on his seatbelt. “Or we could just go to my place and order food,”

“Um...” you can feel his eyes on you, waiting for an answer. “Let’s just,” you can’t go home with him; you knew Lara had been there many times now. “Go out and eat.”

Jaehyun nodded his head, “What do you have in mind?”

“Oh anything,” you shrugged.

“It’s your birthday present, you can choose anything you want.” He persists. You name the first thing that comes to mind for food, eager for this night to be over but also resenting that you’re not spending more time with him.

“Wait,” Jaehyun stops you as go to open the car door when he pulls up outside your building.

“What?” You turn your head and his lips meet yours. It lasts a few seconds, lips moving against one another and familiar heat builds in your body. You pull away from him, staring out the windshield: lost.

Jaehyun clears his throat, “What changed? What did I do?” He looks over at your profile.

“Lara’s my best friend,” you start, licking your lips and trying to come up with any plausible explanation. “And my roommate. And, ultimately, as much as I love her I don't wish to include her in my sex life.” Yeah, that was kinda part of the reason. What were you going to say; that it made you feel shitty?

“That’s it?” Jaehyun finally says.

“Yeah,” That’s it.

“Do you want me to not see her anymore?” He’s not looking at you anymore.

“No!” Yes. You fake a smile, “I want you and Lara and you and whoever to have a great time. But for me, Lara is a little too close to home. It makes me uncomfortable, so I’m removing myself from the equation.” You wave your hand as if the whole situation is really nothing to you. As if it hadn’t made you lose sleep.

“So you’re not asking me to choose between the two of you?”

“No!” You insist, he sounded annoyed when he just spoke.

“I don’t get how this is different from when it’s other people: I sleep with other people and you sleep with other people, and it’s never been a problem.” He says, suddenly sounding defensive.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not exactly passing myself out among your friends. I already told you it makes me uncomfortable, so I think I can choose not to fuck someone who’s fucking my best friend.” You jerk the car door open, nearly falling out as your foot missed the curb.

“So you are saying ‘choose between us’!” Jaehyun calls after you, opening his door as you slam yours.

“It’s just sex, Jaehyun!” You tell him shrilly. He stands by the driver's side door, watching as you try and hold it together on the small sidewalk. “You can get it anywhere and from anyone, and I just don’t want to anymore with you!” If you say another word tears will come.

“Nights like tonight? They were never ‘just sex’. Hanging out and talking was never about just sex. Our weekly lunches were never about sex at all! It was about us enjoying each other’s company, and finding each other attractive.” Jaehyun scuffs his shoes against the pavement, shaking his head and looking away from you for a moment before speaking again: “Or was that not how you saw it? If I stop—“

“No!” A coldness rises in your stomach, and your eyes burn as they become blurry with tears. “I don’t know what I want, but I know that Lara and I aren’t sleeping with the same guy again.” You sob, turning away and hurrying into your building.

In the elevator, you give over to the tears of humiliation, anger, but mostly self-pity. FWBs don’t ask you to stop hooking up with other FWBs—or at least not any that you know of. Cut the ties before you really get hurt. They’re not wrong, you’re just too attached. That’s what you remind yourself. That’s why Jaehyun was getting upset, you tried to reason.

“What happened?l Lara quickly says when you walk through the door with tears streaming down your face. It all felt like a bad movie, except it was your life.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong—“ Lara quickly got up off the couch to try and console you. No matter your rush she reaches you before you can slam your bedroom door behind yourself.

“Don’t touch me!” You cry, pushing her hands away “Learn to be unhappy for five minutes like the rest of us, you selfish bitch.”

As soon as you are alone in your room you sink to the floor, sobbing. They don’t ever choose you. At first, it was Minho in high school: he had been your crush over a year...and then Lara had slept with him. But you couldn’t blame that on Lara; Minho just didn’t like you that way. Or when you, Lara, and your at-the-time boyfriend, Peter, had all been living together and after about 5 months Lara came sobbing to you one night because she felt guilty about having been carrying on an affair with Peter for the last 2. But you couldn’t blame that on Lara: Peter had been a shitty boyfriend and preyed upon Lara’s emotional vulnerability at the time. Did you believe that? Or did you think that she might have thrown herself at them because she was feeling sorry for herself. Where her actions self-pity for the sake of self-pity, or sabotages of your happiness disguised as self-pity.

You laid on your bed, curling up plagued with painful memories of the past. Why did you sweep it under the rug every time? Maybe it was because Lara cried more, and begged for forgiveness while saying she felt so guilty and scared about losing you as a friend. No one else treated her with enough kindness, but she told you that you did. Maybe it was because she knew your every secret, and every misdeed and always accepted each one with open and loving arms.

“It’s not fair,” you mutter to yourself, straggling tears running down your face. Lara’s pain was always treated as more painful. When she was hurt, somehow you would always get hurt too. She couldn’t be alone or unloved, but if you felt that way it was okay as long as someone was with Lara and she was loved and given attention. It felt twisted, but losing Lara felt like losing part of yourself. You would apologize for calling her a ‘selfish bitch’ and she would cry telling you how much you hurt her.

...And once again, your feelings would be kept to yourself because maybe if you told Lara how she made you feel you would hurt her. That was the crazy thing, even your feelings would be made about her.

—————————————————

You love your days and nights with Maria and Junha, but it’s not the same without Jaehyun. You miss him: the lunch dates, the regular dates, talking about shared interests.

Lara decides the casual sex isn’t for her soon after you tell her that you’re not seeing Jaehyun anymore. The convenient timing of this admission leaves you bitter. At least she could have made your pain and inner turmoil worthwhile and seen him for a few more weeks. It’s a bad circus trick, and you’re the sad clown that nobody likes, or wants to look at. You spend your days trying to make up for saying hurtful things to Lara. She says she’s sorry and didn’t mean to hurt your friendship or relationship with Jaehyun. You’re not sure whether or not to believe her anymore. You want boundaries in your friendship. The unhealthiness of the relationship between you and Lara was gradually eating away at you.

——————————————————-

It’s a Tuesday in March when you’re sitting in a familiar restaurant eating a familiar lunch. Your phone dings: a text from Lara of photos of her dinner last night with a friend from work.

“Is this seat taken?” A familiar voice asks.

Jaehyun gestures to the chair across from you, his expression soft and hopeful.

“No—it’s not taken.” The moments before you spoke you felt as if you hadn’t breathed. Your lungs welcome air after the shock of seeing him again—it shouldn’t be a shock; this was a familiar place for both of you. He had sat in that chair at this table, across from you before.

The waiter brings a side dish that you ordered.

“Will you be having anything?” They ask Jaehyun. Jaehyun’s eyes search for yours, and you give him an almost imperceptible nod of your head. Jaehyun waits for you to finish eating before he speaks; you can’t avoid his questions by chewing. Not that you want to avoid them, but sometimes you weren’t sure how you felt anymore.

“How have you been?” He’s slightly tense, which is a rarity.

“Very well, and you?” Very formal, and colder than you had meant to be.

“Fine,” there’s an awkward silence. You can tell he wants to say something, but he distracts himself with eating for a moment. He looks as if he has decided to speak again, but changes his mind at the last minute.

“I, um...l—“ Jaehyun mumbles something into his bowl.

“What?” The word falls lightly from your lips, not wanting to mishear him.

“I chose you.” He looks across at you. A frown forms by habit on his face and he must realize because he quickly changed his expression to something more stoic.

He must be waiting for you to speak, but you don’t. You don’t know what you feel, you don’t know how much is okay to feel. No one had ever chosen you; what happened now? Did you choose him back?

“I wanted you to ask me to choose you; I wanted you to say you wanted me, too. I called Lara up the day after and told her that she and I couldn’t see each other again.”

“You broke it off with Lara?” You’re a bit stunned, had she lied about that?

“I still choose you.”

#jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun fanfic #jung jaehyun #jaehyun smut #jaehyun nct #jung yuno #jaehyun angst #nct angst #jaehyun fwb #nct scenarios

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a-duck-with-a-book · 3 years

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REVIEW // Seven Blades in Black (The Grave of Empires #1) by Sam Sykes

★☆☆☆☆

Disclaimer: while I was reading this book, I found out that Sam Sykes has been accused by numerous women of sexual harassment. You can find more information about it below: - a post listing several accusations of misconduct - twitter post responding to the situation - one of the accusations against Sam Sykes - his quickly-deleted apology Suffice to say, I have no intention of continuing this series or reading any more of his books.

I have a lot to say about this novel, so I’ll begin by making a quick bullet point list outlining what I liked and disliked:

Liked:

Cavric <3

Lisette deserved better

Some interesting concepts in the world building

Disliked:

Sal as a narrator

Sal as an antihero

Sal as a person in general

Writing style

Constant interruptions

Meandering narrative

The “narrator knows something but the writer avoids revealing it until the end for the drama” trope

This is a Big Tough World and Nobody Gets To Be Happy

Lesbians written by a man who harasses women

Unnecessarily long

// image: official cover art Jeremy Wilson //

Let’s begin with the full review by starting with the (few) positives, shall we?

First and foremost, I genuinely enjoyed Cavric and Lisette. It is unfortunate that they had to deal with Sal for the entirety of the novel, but we’ll get to her later. If this book had been a buddy adventure with these two, in which Cavric slowly shows Lisette that she is in a toxic relationships and deserves to move on and find someone better for herself, I probably would have enjoyed it a lot more. Secondly (and finally), Sykes introduced some genuinely interesting world building. The background of the Empire and the Scar was fascinating to read, but unfortunately did not save the rest of this mess.

Alright now let’s rant.

I have 35 notes and 52 highlights from this book, so this might get block quote heavy. (Go check out my notes if you want to see me slowly lose my sanity)

Sal is awful. I know she’s meant to be awful, but she’s not flawed in the way that I think Sykes was trying to write her. I believe she was intended to be a scruffy, lovable antihero who fought her way through a dangerous landscape with her sharp blade and even sharper tongue. A girl who had wrongs committed against her in the past, who did terrible things but is now on the road to an epic redemption arc. She shoots bad guys, she says f*ck and a*s a lot, and she is morally complex. That’s the character that Sykes was trying to make. The one he created, however, is a genuinely terrible person who I had no desire to see come out on top. I have a myriad of issues with her, but let’s outline a couple below: (1) She is incredibly toxic for Lisette. Am I getting a bit too heated about a fictional relationship? Sure. Was I happy to read a toxic lesbian romance written by a man who sexually harasses women? Nope. It kind of grossed me out, actually. Anyway, let me give you a run down of their relationship. Sal arrives. Sal and Lisette sleep together. Sal asks Lisette to give her weapons and or fix things for her. Sal sneaks away, telling herself no good will come of this relationship and they will only cause each other pain. Sal needs something. Sal comes back. Repeat over and over. She constantly says, throughout the book, that it would be better if they just left each other, but then again Sal is the one who goes back to Lisette over and over, causing her renewed heartbreak. I don’t know if Sykes thought that simply making Sal aware of how terrible this behavior was was enough, but it just made me incredibly frustrated. At one point Sal says:

”Intellect like hers is a curse. The more you understand of the world, the less of it you trust.”

Yes, Sal, that’s what’s giving her trust issues. Her intelligence. Nice. By the end of the book, it seems that they are on the mend-I’m getting end-game vibes from these two. But honestly, I spent the entire time thinking that Lisette deserved so much better than Sal. Like literally a chicken would have provided healthier companionship. I’ll end with this quote, in which Lisette outlines perfectly why Sal does not deserve her:

“What am I doing wrong that you’d choose this over me?”

(2) Sal is annoying. Really, really annoying. I kid you not, half of this book is made up of Sal’s snarky comments. She is badass. She has a gun. She is an outlaw. And she will never, EVER shut up about it. Imagine a quirky line after an otherwise dark or action-packed sequence. Funny, right? Might break the tension, make the narrator more endearing, etc. Now imagine one such line after every. Single. Paragraph. Picture a violent battle scene where the protagonist is fighting for their lives against a ruthless opponent. Now insert a snarky comment after every other paragraph and watch the entire flow of the scene fall apart with constant interruptions. That’s what this book is-which brings me to my next point.

The writing isn’t great. There are constant interruptions, meandering narratives, and the trope that haunts me in nearly every dark fantasy novel I read-This is a Big Tough World and Nobody Gets To Be Happy-is shoved repeatedly in your face. Let’s start with the interruptions, returning to my previous point (ie. Sal never shuts up), by looking at this sequence:

I followed the shrieking wind. I had come here prepared for something bad. But I wasn’t prepared for just how bad it was. I rounded the corner of the hall, came out atop a battlement. The wind struck me with a screaming gale, forcing me to shield my face and cling to the stone for purchase. My eyes squinted against the harshness of the light, the kind of offensive pale you only see in your nightmares. And through them, I could see the bowed shapes of towers sagging, the flayed flesh of banners whipping in a wind that wouldn’t cease, the shadows of figures frozen in a death that had brought no peace. And I knew where I was. There was nothing that had ever made Fort Dogsjaw special. It had never been crucial for defense, never a hub for trade, it hadn’t even been named for anything special—the commander just liked the sound of it. It lived its whole life a regular, boring Imperial fort on the edge of the Husks. It only got important at the time of its death. Over three hundred mages and a few thousand regulars had assembled here in one day—some to receive assignments, some to man the garrison, some to head back to Cathama on leave. They had been laughing, cursing, drinking when the news came that the new Emperor of Cathama was a nul, born with no magic. And then there had been a moment of silence.

I’ve bolded for emphasis, but do you see what I’m talking about? The paragraph-line-paragraph-line format is so annoying to read, I had to put the book down at certain points because of how frustrated I got. It interrupted the forward movement of the story, making the novel drag on and on.

You know what else makes this feel like the nightmare version of the Never-ending Story? The page count. I don’t mind long books-The Priory of the Orange Tree is one of my favorite reads so far this year, and it’s longer than this one-but they have to have a reason for being so hefty. As I mentioned earlier, a considerable chunk of Seven Blades of Black is Sal making her awful, awful, AWFUL asides. I literally cannot express how much I despise those comments. Okay, let’s move on before I get hung up on THOSE STUPID COM-*cough*

This novel is marred by unnecessary lines and a meandering plot that drag out the story. One instance is the amount of times that Sal is a second away from killing someone and, for some reason (usually not a good one), fails in her goal. She places a gun at someone’s head and goes through a whole monologue in her head until the person miraculously escapes. This type of subversion of expectations is fine every once in a while, but if you are going to build up to a crucial moment and then take away the satisfaction of the defeat of some villain (or mini-boss, as many of the antagonists in this book feel like), then you need to have a good reason for doing it upwards of twenty times in ONE BOOK. Secondly, if you spend almost the entire novel setting up more and more villains and stressing how hard they are to kill and how dangerous their powers are (and presenting them separately and isolated), then when you have them all in one place at the end, at which point the protagonists starts going through them like a plate of french fries at a seagull convention, then you’re kind of taking away the satisfaction of the death. Somehow, this book manages to do both. We are constantly teased with almost-kills, then at the end Sal just blows through everyone in five seconds, easy-peasy.

I’m almost done, I swear-just two more gripes.

So much of the tension of this book rests on the fact that Sal, our narrator and our main viewpoint into the story, knows something that we don’t. I’ll be upfront with you-I hate this trope. If our POV character, the one whose mind we are in constantly, is entirely aware of something that happened before the beginning of the novel, and the author keeps from revealing that something for the entirety of the story solely to add drama, then I will not be a happy reader. Where is the logic. We are in this person’s mind. Just show us already and add tension ELSEWHERE.

And FINALLY (as painful as it was for you to read this, it was worse for me to write it), another issue I have with a lot of dark fantasy (see my review of Nevernight) is that the author really, really wants us to know that this is an incredibly dangerous and dark world by filling it to the brim with edge lord narrators, Big Guns, and, usually, women being harrased-because why not force all your female readers to constantly have to read about women getting assaulted? Apart from Sal’s 300,000 comments explaining to us that she is an asshole, that the Scar is Dangerous, and that she has Killed A Lot of People, we as readers must sit through hundreds of lines of dialogue and exposition that beat us over the head with the fact that this is DARK fantasy. This isn’t your nice little fairy adventure-no sir. Here we have Swear Words and Violence and Men writing Queer Women. To emphasize just how blatant Sykes is with the dark part of dark fantasy, let me tell you about an exchange Sal has with three old ladies who run a criminal empire. In the 2-3 pages that these women appear in, we are told, in some form or other, that they are grandmas who kill people, a grand total of, I kid you not, ELEVEN TIMES. Here are some excerpts from that whole situation:

”“Now, now.” Yoc, old and white haired and sweet as a grandmother—if that grandmother also had people killed on the regular—smiled at me. “I’m sure she has a good reason for being here.” She raised the hand that had signed the contracts that had killed a thousand men and women and took up her whiskey glass. “After all, I’m sure she knows how much we don’t like having our game interrupted.”” *I counted this as one since it’s in the same exchange but technically he mentions it TWICE

”…one didn’t waste the Three’s time if one didn’t want to end up with their teeth pried out.”

”How often do you meet the three old ladies who have people killed for money?”

”I said we should kill her on principle.”

”“But you know how many orphans I’ve made, don’t you, dear?””

”“He’s not so unlike us, is he? A murderer, yes. A monster to some. But, at his heart, a businessman.”

”Theirs were the hands that signed a thousand death contracts a year.”

”When they could be bothered to look up from their game, they decided who lived and died with a stroke of their pen.”

”At a word, they could have me stripped, tied, tortured, and cut up…”

”the Three don’t lie. Their assassins do. Their thieves do. But they don’t.”

”I had already wasted their time and I knew the Three were being generous just letting me fuck off instead of having me killed for the effort.”

TL;DR - Sal is annoying, Sykes is a bad writer, and Someone should have stopped me from reading this book

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thelanternlight · 4 years

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Witchy Asks!

Hello fellow witches! Here’s 50 Witchy Asks written by the-lunar-vixen. Please follow if you enjoy them. Blessed be!

1 What type of witch are you?

A gay one.

2 What deities do you like to work with, if any?

Angels, faery, guides, Mother God, Father God, Christ, saints, and ancestors. I'll also work with deities from various religions as they pertain to a spell or ritual (e.g. I may work with Hathor for a love spell).

3 Have you ever created your own spell?

Absolutely, most of the spellwork I do is original at least to some extent.

4 What’s your favorite time of year?

All the year is beautiful and wonderful for a myriad of reasons but Springtime is sacred to me.

5 Do you have a witch you look up to?

I think I have teachers that come and go in my life. They can be famous or not famous, witches or not, etc. Currently I'm loving Ember Honeyraven.

6 What makes you feel powerful?

Balance and freedom. Knowing that I'm on the side of what's good and right.

7 Do you have a favorite myth?

I'm an author and storyteller so I have many, many favorite myths. Off the top of my head I love the stories of Medusa, Apollo, the Christian Creation myth, Germanic and Scandinavian folklore, Anansi and his stories, Arthurian legends... the list goes on, but yes I LOVE stories. I think have so much meaning and wisdom to share.

8 Which famous/fantasy witch do you relate to the most?

I've grown up watching witches in movies, television, reading about them, etc so I've related to witches one way or another since day one. The Charmed Ones (all four) were role models for me when there were no role models for little, effeminate weirdos like myself as a child. The Sanderson Sisters were person heroes to me and I tried to emulate them from the very first time I saw the film; in fact those three are perhaps the original witches with whom I related the most. Since then there have been SO many wonderful characters in entertainment and in real life that inspired me so incredibly much that they've become a part of me.

9 Are you a wiccan?

I am not.

10 What’s the most unique item you’ve ever used in a spell?

I guess a dildo? I think 'unique' is a relative term.

11 Do you own any witchy books?

Apart from my personal book of spells I've owned many books on witchcraft but have parted ways with the majority of them. I'm currently trying to downsize the amount I have currently as it happens. Anybody want some free books?

12 Which misconception about witches annoys you the most?

That magic isn't real and this is all nonsense. I think it's especially irritating when people of other faiths criticize my own as if a prayer is anything different from an incantation. In fact I would argue that spells direct energy in a more concentrated way to affect change than simply petitioning a deity.

13 Have you ever created your own sigil?

You bet. Sometimes you just need something original and unique for the rite/spell.

14 What element are you most drawn to?

Water.

15 Do you have a familiar?

Some people use the word "familiar" interchangeably with "pet". I do have a pet but she's not my familiar. Other people define "familiar" as "spirit animal" which I'm not entirely sure is correct either. I'm in a bit of a gray area on this subject, but I see question 17 below touches on it as well.

16 Are you a part of a coven?

No. I've tried working with others to do magic but I think the synergy/chemistry has to REALLY be on point to do effective magic. Very often there's a clash of philosophies or practice that sort of spoils things all too easily whereas working alone allows me to concentrate so much better.

17 What’s your spirit animal?

Again this is a vague term that means different things to different people. I consider my spirit animal to be more or less my "familiar". When I was younger I was walking in the woods one evening praying really hard about something that was weighing very heavily on me. Then suddenly I looked up and there was this gorgeous and perfectly white stag looking back at me. He stood there for quite a while before slowly walking off again and the whole situation had such a profound sense of meaning to it. I saw the stag a few more times until finally, late one night while I was walking through the woods by a lake under the glow of a bright full moon I saw the stag one last time on the far side of the water. Ever since then the white stag has been sacred to me. So that's what I consider my spirit animal/familiar. It's a guide of sorts, a good omen, a sign, a representation of Spirit/Soul/God-energy and Self. I identify with it. So that's my spirit animal.

18 Do you do tarot readings?

I do indeed!

19 What’s your favorite witch movie?

I have several, but Hocus Pocus has been my favorite since I was a wee tot.

20 How many crystal do you have?

I actually don't really know. I don't go out and buy crystals but sometimes they come into my life and then go when they've served their purpose. For example, I had a beautiful large quartz that my grandmother had bought me from the nature store when I was a kid. I loved it so much. But one Halloween night I was doing a ritual with a friend of mine in the woods and ended up losing it. Interestingly, that friend was pursuing me romantically unbeknownst to me while also hooking up with the guy I was hooking up with and also really liked (ugh, gay culture). And during that ritual I was speaking with my grandfather (husband to the grandmother who bought me the quartz that I lost that night). So what does all that mean? I have no idea. But I figured all things considered maybe it was just time to let that thing go, along with other things that night.

21 What’s the most unique item on your altar?

I don't really have the privacy to set up an altar but generally I like my "work area" to be neat. Everything has a purpose and a meaning and a function. If I need to burn something I have the item/items, the cauldron, the lighter, oils, and anything else needed for what I'm doing. So nothing in particular stands out as "unique"... unless... Well I do have a small copper cauldron with a handful of dirt from my grandmother's house that I've kept for almost twenty years now. I guess that's unique?

22 Have you ever enchanted anything?

Oh god, yes, lots of things. I've enchanted things so as to protect them, or so that the item will protect someone else or some place... I've enchanted things for love, or to keep something or someone away. I've enchanted things to help in a greater ritual or spell. And so on.

23 What’s your religion?

I was raised Christian Baptist but following one horrible experience after another I've absolutely left that faith well behind long ago. I don't have a particular religion in the sense of organized religion. I'm spiritual and I cast spells. I also believe in science. I don't call myself a witch but I do everything a witch does.

24 Do you have a favorite crystal?

"I could no sooner choose a favorite star in the heavens".

25 What are some of your favorite spells?

Oooo I'd have to say I'm rather partial to love magic. I'm particularly good at it too.

26 What do you like to do to cleanse your space?

After physically cleaning a space I like to use the Violet Fire to cleanse an area as well as cleansing using a broom and a wand and/or athame.

27 When do you feel the most powerful?

When nature and I have our little moments. When the wind is warm and strong. When I'm out in a storm. When I can "feel" things growing during the Spring. The silence of a frozen winter night in the woods... Also when I'm cooking. I fucking LOVE charging a pot of boiling ingredients with good juju.

28 Do other people know you’re a witch?

A few people close to me know I practice witchcraft. Others think I'm just a little bit daffy.

29 Has one of your spells ever gone wrong?

Definitely. Mostly when I was still learning and practicing. Like this one time in sixth grade I cast a spell so that a popular girl in school would like me and we could start dating. Obviously since I was gay I didn't really want to be with her, I only did it because I wanted to be cool (although I did like her and we ended up being fairly good friends until we went to different high schools). That spell backfired and I ended up 1. not getting the result I intended because I was doing it for the wrong reason and simultaneously trying to force another to do something against her will, and 2. I ended up having one shitty fucking love life for the longest time.

30 What outfit makes you feel the most witchy?

Oh I love me a good cape. Even just walking around with a long blanket around me.

31 Have you ever tried astral projection?

Yes, successfully, several times. I like to use it for meditation. Often I go to the artic sea where there's just ocean, ice, and darkness.

32 Do you have any enchanted jewelry?

Probably.

33 What does your altar look like?

A space on the floor where I cast a circle and set up my stuff.

34 Have you ever seen a spirit?

YES! I've seen fairies, spirits, ghosts, shadows, sparks, heard voices, etc.

35 What’s your favorite spell sachet?

I can't say that I have one.

36 Do you have a favorite sigil?

I'm especially fond of the Sigil of Venus.

37 What’s your astrological sign?

Sun sign Virgo, Rising Pisces, Moon in Sagittarius

38 Have you ever interacted with a deity?

Well, yes, of course... per the previous questions.

39 What color are you most drawn to?

Purple.

40 Do you believe in past lives?

Without a doubt.

41 Where do you like to practice your craft?

Wherever I have privacy and calm.

42 What’s your favorite season?

Springtime, as mentioned previously.

43 Have you ever cursed someone?

That's not what my magic is for. Yes I'm familiar with the how-to, but no I don't partake in that kind of thing. The "worst" I've ever done is cast binding spells to keep someone from harming me and/or even coming into my presence.

44 How long have you been a practicing witch?

I'm telling on myself now but I'd say about 24 years practicing in earnest.

45 What drew you to witchcraft?

A natural inclination.

46 In what moon phase do you feel the most powerful?

The Moon itself does not change with the phases of its shadow. The phases are representational, of course, and its symbology can be evocative and meaningful, but otherwise the Moon is what it is. Therefore I'd have to say I personally feel most connected or at least most aware of the Moon when it's full. Else, I would say when it's waxing as that's when most of my spells are done simply because of the type of spell I usually work.

47 What’s your favorite holiday?

Wisterlimas, and then Halloween. Although I love all the holidays.

48 Do you know anything about your past lives? (if you believe in them!)

Yes, wow, I've done extensive work on discovering my past lives. I've lived in San Francisco at the turn of the century, in Scotland, England, France, Japan, China, as a woman, as a man... It's all very fascinating but you can't delve too deep because it's simply not necessary. You're not really *supposed* to know about your past lives. That defeats the purpose of the great forgetting once you're reincarnated. Yes, you can revisit the major themes and lessons learned, but one shouldn't really fret too much about what happened in the past.

49 Have you ever done an energy reading?

Certainly. I think most people do energy readings even when they don't know they're doing it. There's "reading the room" or "getting a bad vibe". There's also reiki and the like. And healing work. And of course magic is all about directing energy so to achieve a specific goal.

50 What time of day do you like to practice your craft?

Usually at night but it has more to do with the individual spell. Astronomical positioning is also important as well as weather, season, personal mood, day of the week, et al.

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mythvoiced · 4 years

Note

9.what are some annoying things you have to deal with from others that solo blogs don’t? 19.which of your muses do you find the most difficult to get down correctly?

-. @wantedformanysins | MULTIMUSE ASK GAME

---

9. Which of your muses do you find the most difficult to get down correctly? I have some muses who aren’t very consistent in the way they want to be portrayed, Patrick being the best example for this; he’s pretty much an amalgamation of a myriad of usually conflicting character traits and ideologies, and the desire to pick and choose among those he thinks he should portray. It’s difficult to write replies for him because he could react in two completely opposing ways and they’d both be sort of in character for him, so sometimes I’ll rewrite a reply five different times and still not really know which described reaction is the truest one. In the cases of Eros, Yoshino, and Quincy, the difficulty lies in figuring out how they would behave in a given situation and how to stray away from a stereotypical/archetypical portrayal of said behaviour. Eros shouldn’t be overly sultry and sensual, Yoshino is not an anime girl, and Quincy is not a sassy street-rat, but my concern that I might accidentally write these things anyway makes it difficult to settle on definite portrayals.

19. What are some annoying things you have to deal with from others that solo blogs don’t? There is one thing, but I’m the person who’s making me deal with it lmao, having these many muses means I can pick and choose which genre and character type I’m feeling most at any given moment, which is awesome because if I want something silly and feel-good I have the characters for it, I have philosophical ones, and angry ones, dramatic or domestic, I have most of it. But having all of this sometimes makes me feel guilty about the muses I’m not choosing, not because of the actual character, but because of you. My writing partners. I feel like that with solo blogs, you’re more likely to get to things faster because that is the character you have and all the stuff is for them. I on the other hand have god knows how many blogs in one and can therefore have an angsty blog one day, and a cutesy one the next, I can have a mythology blog with heavy religious imagery today, and then a gangster spy story completely devoid of otherworldly elements and while I LOVE that, to be able to have all of this, I worry about the confusion this might create for you guys. Inconsistency in terms of overarching tone and even rating, where Yoshino is for everybody and Doe most definitely not. So, this is the one thing that came to mind, I feel it’s not as easy to write with me due to me having a mumu.

#wantedformanysins #;the mun #I LOVE YOU AND HOPE everything is going EXACTLY the way it should be going ;W;W;W;W;W;#THANK YOU SO MUCH for these ;W;W;W; ♥#a:#;queue

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nosleepstillweak · 4 years

Text

cruller

My favorite type of donut is a cruller. Pity the man that begins his own love story with a monologue about his favorite pastry, but I feel like there’s something to be said here. It’s not like your traditional cake or long john or eclair. A cruller is in an avenue all its own. For one, it just looks cooler. Who doesn’t like a twisty donut? The dough is shaped into this endless spiral that flakes beautifully in the oven. Furthermore, the consequent increase in surface area also leads to the creation of these little pockets that are the perfect space for the outer glaze to nestle into. Top the whole affair off with a flawlessly reduced jelly filling and it’s like eating ambrosia. This opinion definitely isn’t mitigated by the fact that a literal goddess is the one to serve me these treats every morning, yet I still face opposition.

“You’re just a fucking weirdo, Jason.”

These are the words of my donut-apathetic comrade, Malachi. He’s a bit of an old-head, if you were to ask me, but sometimes the bluntness of his responses are in my best interest. As of late, he has been the staunchest--and sole--opponent of my onset infatuation with the owner of our newly discovered cafe destination.

“These twists taste like garbage. Admit it, you just have a thing for Donut Girl.” A key indicator of his disdain is the fact he continues to call her “Donut Girl,” even though her name-tag would lead me to believe that she actually goes by Sadie. Then again, given my previous history with “Pizza Chick” and “Gas Station Lady,” it’s fair to say that I haven’t necessarily made the best name for myself when choosing my romantic interests in the wholesale industry.

“Unsubstantiated opinions on Sadie aside, you can’t tell me that this isn’t a damn good donut.” I mean, he could, but he’d just be a liar. I take another bite in between sentences. “Plus, I don’t think you saw the way she looked at me this time. That was definitely some sort of signal.”

I can’t say that I’m not offended by Malachi’s responding scoff. “Yeah, a signal to round up all the idiots. I can’t believe you’re twenty-three years old and you still crush after women like you’re in a teen drama.” He scowls at me as I finish off the last of the half-dozen with a smile on my face. “Those donuts literally taste like sugar-coated metal.”

“Oh, heaven forbid they contain the slightest hint of high fructose corn syrup.” In traditional old-head fashion, Malachi is the type to complain about foods nowadays being too sugary; he gets a headache from eating a rope of black licorice. “Gather ‘round, folks, Old Man Malachi is mounting the soapbox again to preach about the dangers of processed foods--”

“Oh, fuck you, I’m leaving.” He, rather dramatically, snatches the coat off the back of his chair and storms out of the bakery. I can’t wipe the grin off my face when I remember that we literally work at the same office and will see each other again within the next ten minutes. What I find to be less amusing is the fact that he left me the entire bill, including his cinnamon-free cinnamon twists and extra-large black coffee. In lieu of my irritation, I take the situation as just a form of preparation: true love isn’t cheap.

“Here’s your bill.” A slip of paper slides across the table and then I’m blindsided by the sight of an immaculate Sadie smile. Now that’s priceless. I can’t describe it in words, but it’s just so… damn. By the time I’ve regained my senses, she’s gone off to help the next customer. I glance over the receipt, fishing through my wallet to produce the proper total and a hefty tip. My eyes widen when I catch something hastily scrawled at the bottom of the slip: a phone number. Next to a poorly-drawn smiley face, but that’s beside the point; the Sadie of Sadie’s Bakery just gave me her phone number. As I get up to leave, I even catch a glimpse of her smiling softly in my direction. I more than happily return the gesture. Malachi will come around eventually, but this train is definitely already in motion.

***

I have to hand it to Malachi because the first few weeks of my relationship with Sadie did actually feel like a teen drama. Our initial correspondence was nothing to write home about. I’d pick up a cruller every morning at the bakery and we’d chat for as long as it took for Malachi to spitefully gulp down his coffee and claim that we were running late for work. In between breaks at the office, I curated a myriad of internet bakery memes. Then, at night, I would bombard our text conversations with dancing donuts and cake icing videos and pretend to not absolutely lose my mind whenever she responded with a laughing face emoji. This continued for a while until I had to stage a self-intervention from giving myself diabetes. Sadie was surprisingly understanding and even offered to make me a sugar-free batch; had Malachi not physically taken my phone and responded with “no and goodbye,” I would have accepted.

In spite of his continued opposition, the train kept on moving. Sadie was actually the one who asked me out; I know, the misogynists are quaking in their boots. After she made the first move at the bakery, I wasn’t super surprised that she proposed the idea of dating one morning when I stopped by to pick up an office order. That being said, her delivery did not keep me from turning completely red and whooping at the top of my lungs in the otherwise moderately quiet cafe. I honestly still don’t know why Sadie got so embarrassed; she literally owns the place. All that being said, Sadie and I were officially a couple. Now, I just have to let Malachi in on it so he can be a supportive best friend and help guide me through my new--

“Jason, I love you, man, but this seems like a terrible idea.” Okay, ouch. This hadn’t been the first time he’d ever said these exact words to me, but for some reason, they hurt more this time around. “This is so sudden! I seriously worry that you’re getting ahead of yourself. What do you even know about this Sadie girl anyways?”

“Uh, well, for one, she runs the best bakery in town.”

“Debatable. Dinah’s Breakfast Cafe has killer pastries.”

“Unlike Dinah, Sadie’s smart and funny.”

“And you learned this from your 2 A.M. meme conversations?”

“Okay, either way, look me in the eyes and tell me she’s not beautiful.”

“Do you really want me to call your girlfriend hot?”

I throw a straw wrapper in his face and pout, genuinely upset. “That’s not the point and you know it.”

“Look, dude, I can understand that your initial feelings may be strong, but I just don’t wanna see you get hurt again. Physically or emotionally.” Malachi fixes me with a serious look and I suddenly feel like sinking back into my chair. “Especially after Gas Station Lady, I was hoping you’d make a little bit of a better assessment of things. I mean, like, do you even know how old she is? Friends? Family? Does she have any past relationships? Who’s to say that she isn’t hanging out with one of her ex-boyfriends right now?”

That last comment was a low blow and more than a little melodramatic, but I suddenly feel like I don’t know enough about Sadie to defend her. Now that I think about it, maybe everything is moving too fast.

“Just… be careful, man. Maybe reconsider. Again, the last thing I’d want is for you to get hurt.” Malachi shoots me one last sympathetic smile before walking out of the breakroom. Maybe there’s some truth to Old Man Malachi’s words. I stare at the cruller in my hand for a moment. When I finally move to take a bite, something inside leaves a sour taste in my mouth. The jelly filling doesn’t taste quite the same as before.

***

After that awful conversation, I decide it's best to have a heart-to-heart with Sadie. Our text conversations dry up for a couple of nights and I try to avoid the bakery as much as possible to give myself more time to think. However, as it turns out, the inevitable conversation didn’t end up being as painful as I thought it would be. Sadie actually laughs when I tell her that I don’t know anything about her; she says the same could be said about me. We spend the rest of the evening making donuts together and giving each other a basic autobiographical rundown.

Sadie Marissa Jenkins II is a first-generation British--it was at this point in our month-long relationship that I finally noticed the accent--immigrant who’d moved here in order to pursue her studies in culinary arts at the local university. She lives with her older sister, and her dog named Muffin, and she prefers riding her bike to taking the metro. She spoke of no past relationships and is in fact not currently cheating on me with another man. I was quite happy, and a little smug, when reporting my findings to Malachi.

“If you think she’s the one, then knock yourself out.” He’s speaking very nonchalantly for a man who’s wrestling with a stapler. “She actually gave me a free coffee this morning, so maybe she’s worth keeping around.”

“So free coffee is all it takes to get Old Man Malachi’s blessing?”

“Hardy-har-har.” He flicks a loose staple at my forehead. “This better work out, because I’m not picking your ass up again when you get dumped out of a pizza delivery car in the middle of town.”

“At least she didn’t run out of gas.” I jokingly shoot finger guns in his direction, snorting when he feigns a shot to the chest as he exits the breakroom. There are still a couple of crullers left over in the Sadie’s Bakery box on the counter so I help myself to one--and immediately gag. Okay, they actually do kinda taste like metal. They’re probably just stale from sitting out all afternoon. Yeah, that’s probably it.

***

I decide to lay off the crullers for a while and instead take the time to learn more about Sadie. What I learn instead is that both of us have pretty uninteresting lives, but I think it’s the thought that counts. Plus, her accent is precious and I can barely pay attention when we have midnight baking lessons at the bakery. These lessons are always followed by her getting into my car, me offering to drive her home, and us making out in the backseat instead. This goes on for several nights and I have never once complained about it. That is, until tonight, when she decides to take a chomp out of the side of my neck.

“What the--!” I instinctively push away from her and inspect the injury with my hand. My fingers come away smeared red.

“Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry!” Her hands hover over me as I frantically press the sleeve of my jacket to my neck to stop the bleeding. “I got carried away. Did I hurt you?” I mean, judging by the fact that I’m literally bleeding, I think it would be fair to assume that she did, in fact, hurt me. Nonetheless, I manage a smile.

“It’s fine, Sades.” Probably. The bleeding has stopped, anyways. “Honestly. I mean, it’s not like you said some other guy’s name, or something weird like that.”

“What? What other guy? When was there ever another guy?” Sadie jolts away from me like I’m made of fire. “What do you know about another guy?”

“Uh, nothing! It was just a joke.” A bad joke. “An American joke.”

“Oh. I see.” She nervously picks at the leather of the car seat, her teeth gnawing at her lower lip.

“Really, the biting thing was fine.” Probably. I lean forward and place a small kiss on her ear. “In fact, dare I say that it was kinda hot.” I don’t know what response I was expecting, but I was not physically prepared for the look that she gave me when I pulled away. Then, we were back at it again. From that point in the night on, it was just so… damn. Maybe I was just hallucinating before; I think the crullers taste just fine.

***

“You look tired.” Malachi inquires with a wink as he takes another sip of his morning coffee. To be quite honest, I probably feel worse than I look; after the whole biting incident and my subsequent flirtatious response, Sadie kinda took things into her own hands. I think it’s fair to say that what happened in that car stays in that car. Probably.

“I was just busy last night.”

“Busy?” Malachi snorts into his cup. “With Sadie?”

“Oh, shut up,” I tiredly flip him the bird, “don’t say it like that. We’re literally adults. It’s not like teenagers kissing behind the bleachers, or something.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry, I forgot when you got so mature. Just eat your damn cruller.” He shoves the half-dozen towards me and I nibble at one for a bit before taking a bite… which still tastes awful. Did she change the recipe for the filling? I need to talk to her about that. “Then again, maybe you’re right. I don’t remember them wearing scarves in August in teen dramas.”

I literally choke on the bite of cruller in my mouth. Okay, so maybe the biting incident wasn’t fine. You live and you learn.

***

“Uh, hey there, Sades.” I make my way into the sparsely lit kitchen of the bakery. “Whatcha’ up to?” My real question is, why does the kitchen look like a literal crime scene? There’s donut filling smeared all over the counters; there’s even some on the wall.

“Oh! Uh, nothing, just washing my hands. Cleaning up.”

“Did you cook something?” I look around the kitchen a bit. No pots or pans. Not even a baked good. “I don’t see anything.”

“N-No, not really. I was just preparing something for a batch I was going to bake tomorrow.” For a baker, that’s a totally normal thing to do. Probably.

“Alrighty, then. Should we head out now?”

Sadie smiles, but her face still seems tight. “Lovely.”

***

“Something’s off about Sadie, man. I’ve been getting these weird vibes lately.”

“Oh, so now you see it.” Malachi rolls his eyes, taking a bite into a fresh-baked, sugar-free twist. “Did you two have a fight? Does she not like it when you burp halfway through your sentences?”

“What? No, to both.” Well, actually, that’s a hard maybe on the latter. “Nothing specifically happened, per se, but, like, the vibes were off. She was acting really strange last night.”

“What’d she do, exactly?”

“Well, she…” Washed her hands? What exactly am I supposed to say in this situation? “...actually, never mind.”

“Good. Because, if you were about to say some kinky shit, I literally would’ve punched you in the face.” He chortles as I push hard against his arm. “Look, man, relationships are weird. Whatever’s on your mind, just work it out with her. Better now than later. Regret hurts like a bitch, dude.”

I stare down at the cruller in front of me and swallow thickly. “I think you’re right, man. I should just talk things out with her.”

***

Oh, god, I was wrong. I was so wrong. Screw talking things out. Malachi was right. Regret does hurt like a bitch. I should’ve listened to him, the first time. I wish I could go back and listen to him. I should’ve known something was wrong from the random nighttime hand washing. Or from the biting incident. Or from when any human woman found me to be conventionally attractive. Maybe that’s it. Maybe she’s just not human. She probably isn’t, given that she’s pulling this shit. She’s literally crazy, and I fell for it.

You wanna know what was in those crullers? The jelly filling: it wasn’t cherry or strawberry or whatever other random red fruit we thought it was. It’s straight-up human remains. ...Plus a shit ton of sugar and preservatives, but that’s beside the point. That’s why Malachi thought they tasted like metal. There’s iron and calcium in blood and bones; she was just feeding us metal. People. And I ate them! Almost every day! For two months! Oh my god, what’s wrong with her? What’s wrong with me?

Malachi, or Mom, or Gas Station Lady, if you’re reading this, just know that I love you all. Actually, this is an inner monologue; you’ll never see this. Poetic cruller bullshit aside, this is absolutely crazy. Oh god, she’s back. Oh god, she has a meat grinder. Why would she have a meat grinder? This is the worst day of my life. Oh god, this is the last day of my life. I’m about to die. She’s about to grind me into bits and make me into donut filling. Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god. I should’ve known better, I should’ve--

Fuck, Malachi, please, don’t eat the crullers. Don’t eat the--

***

“I knew there was something up with you!”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh god, he even told me that you were acting strange recently--”

“Malachi, please, calm down. What’s the matter?”

“Cut the bullshit, Donut Girl. What did you do to Jason?”

A pause. Then, she smiles. “Welcome to Sadie’s Bakery, the best baked goods in town. Could I interest you in a cruller?”

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ofjulii · 4 years

Text

Dear Femslash Exchange Creator 2020

Sorry it took me so long to complete this letter! I’m really excited to take part in this exchange–we need so much more femslash, and I’m excited to read whatever you’re going to write! Please know that regardless of how much I’ve written for each ship in this letter, I’d be happy with any ship at all. I’m also not very picky at all, so aside from my DNWs, feel free to ignore my rambly thoughts and go in whichever direction you’d like!

GENERAL LIKES

Any length and any rating is great, emotional vulnerability being hard for one character (and easy for the other maybe?), loneliness + craving intimacy, identity issues, competence being sexy, power couples, enemies/friends to lovers, YEARNING, pining, snarky and world-weary characters, us against the world, love shown through actions, admiration, UST

DNWS

Noncon, bestiality, cheating/infidelity (unless requested), a/b/o, mpreg, underage, terminal illness, permanent (life-threatening) injuries, ageplay, scat/watersports, genderswap (unless requested), lapslock, 1st or 2nd person pov

REQUESTS

IDOL PRODUCER/YOUTH WITH YOU 2: Sun Rui/Yu Shuxin, Liu Lingzi/Sun Rui, Dai Meng/Yu Yan, Sun Rui/Zeng Keni, Yu Yan/Zeng Keni

I just really, really want cpop girls fic! Survival shows have never been my thing, but QCYN2 piqued my interest from the get-go, and when I started it, I discovered that I really enjoyed the rapport the girls had together, and how they never tried to put each other down but instead tried to support and encourage each other.

Honestly, I’d be happy with any QCYN2 ship at all–I love them all so much, and there’s just a myriad of possibilities to choose from, so I just noted down a few! I have more cohesive thoughts on some ships, and less cohesive ones on others, but that really doesn’t mean I want one any less! Really, I’d love anything.

Sun Rui/Yu Shuxin, Sun Rui/Liu Lingzi, Sun Rui/Zeng Keni:

I came out of QCYN2 the biggest Sun Rui stan. There’s just so much about her that I love: how funny she is, her strong Dongbei (Northern Chinese) accent, the fantastical stories she’ll tell during MC segments (the dream she had about her paper-ripping girlfriend!), her (often self-mentioned) Leo traits, the easy way she makes friends, how stubborn she can be, the hero complex that I think she has because of many, many years of being known as the protective ge (“elder brother”). I’d enjoy any fic exploring those things, and maybe something to do with the idol persona she’s cultivated over these years; how has the role she’s meant to fill (gua–or, the “man” in performances with fellow members, because SNH is, after all, built on a system catered to the male gaze) impacted her? She likes to present herself in a very gung-ho way, as if she’s scared of nothing–but I remember her once saying that she’s actually scared of a lot of things, she just doesn’t want to share it with us.

Sun Rui/Yu Shuxin: I looooooove the potential of this ship. I think YSX has an uncanny ability to get under someone’s skin–everyone always talks about how irritatingly lovable she is, and although I know many people have said that it’s absolutely not a pretense at all and she’s really like that in real life, I do think she plays it up sometimes to gain an advantage in certain situations. And I love that about her! I think she’s exactly the kind of person to be able to worm under Sun Rui’s skin–Sun Rui, who can’t stand sajiao, Sun Rui, who’s first instinct upon seeing someone like YSX is to bully her, is, in my opinion, absolutely wrapped around YSX’s finger. It’s why I think they’re so close, and still talk about each other a lot post-QCYN2: YSX is the anomaly in Sun Rui’s category of “annoying girls”, and I think YSX absolutely relishes in that fact.

Sun Rui/Zeng Keni: SANNI! I love them so much–I think a lot about how everyone in Sun Rui’s friendship circle talked about how much she was frothing at the mouth upon meeting ZKN–I think Sun Rui’s type really is tall & beautiful women who could run you over with a knife, and ZKN’s outer appearance absolutely fits that. And then ZKN opens her mouth, and she’s an IDIOT & a BABY, and Sun Rui’s like……….. how can such a beautiful girl be such an idiot? Here’s an eng-subbed interview between them where she kind of talks about it (I find it really funny that she can recall everything ZKN was wearing during that banquet, lol). But anyways, I’d love fic that explores how much Sun Rui finds ZKN so much of an idiot & yet so attractive, and I’d love if there was an inclusion of Sun Rui’s typical reaction to pretty girls (bully them like a primary school kid) and how she absolutely denies her attraction until the very end.

Sun Rui/Liu Lingzi: I really enjoyed the episode of ‘Who is the Drama Queen?’ where they were on together–I think LLZ is very much an introvert of little words, and SR is, on the other hand, an extrovert who is waaaaay too comfortable with talking to strangers, and I’d really enjoy any fic that explores the contrast of that!

Yu Yan/Dai Meng, Yu Yan/Zeng Keni:

I love Yu Yan. That is it. I just adore her.

Yu Yan/Dai Meng: AHHHHH! This is a ship that I think many Chinese fans are divided on, because they think that they’re two tops and that two tops shouldn’t be together (LOL!) but I very much enjoy how similar they are–they both have boundaries that they put up pretty stringently, they’re both good at taking leadership positions. I think Dai Meng is actually a lot more softer/less severe than Yu Yan is, and I like that in this ship, she doesn’t always feel like she has to take more of a “dominant” role, which I think is something that has impacted other business-CPs that she’s started & stopped in SNH.

Yu Yan/Zeng Keni: Who doesn’t like Yanni? I love them, and although I don’t have any concrete ideas, just like LLZ/SR, I’d love fic that explores how different they are, & how Yu Yan is no less severe on people because they’re her friends, and how ZKN is absolutely a whiny crybaby who tries to get YY to cave, but she just WON’T, no matter how tempted she is.

THE9: Any

Honestly, for this fandom: go wild! I’m interested in any THE9 ship, and I’d be interested to see how you’d explore their dynamic–I’d prefer canonverse, but I’m okay with anything! A few thoughts I have: how has the shuffling from Beijing–>Shanghai impacted them, at all, do they feel discontent/jealousy with how different members are being treated? I’d imagine suddenly being at the top of the idol group charts must be exhilirating but also confusing and tiring, especially when you still don’t know really know your band members at all (aside from LYX/KXE, and I’d be interested in a fic exploring their relationship from when they were in Ladybees together until QCYN2/THE9)

SNH48: Sun Rui/Xu Jiaqi, Fei Qinyuan/Sun Rui, Sun Rui/Dai Meng, Dai Meng/Duan Yixuan, Sun Rui/Lu Ting, Fei Qinyuan/Su Shanshan, Dai Meng/Kong Xiaoyin, Dai Meng/Xu Jiaqi, Kong Xiaoyin/Qian Beiting, Sun Rui/Duan Yixuan

SNH48 is truly like…… a lesbian paradise, that’s for sure. I’m a fairly new fan, but I’ve enjoyed watching performances, MCs, as well as some terrible bilibili gossip/fanmade videos–they’re all very entertaining! I am very entertained in this river.

Sun Rui/Xu Jiaqi, Fei Qinyuan/Sun Rui, Sun Rui/Dai Meng, Sun Rui/Duan Yixuan, Sun Rui/Lu Ting

I said my thoughts on Sun Rui in the QCYN2 section, but I’ll copy it down for here:

I came out of QCYN2 the biggest Sun Rui stan. There’s just so much about her that I love: how funny she is, her strong Dongbei (Northern Chinese) accent, the fantastical stories she’ll tell during MC segments (the dream she had about her paper-ripping girlfriend!), her (often self-mentioned) Leo traits, the easy way she makes friends, how stubborn she can be, the hero complex that I think she has because of many, many years of being known as the protective ge (“elder brother”). I’d enjoy any fic exploring those things, and maybe something to do with the idol persona she’s cultivated over these years; how has the role she’s meant to fill (gua–or, the “man” in performances with fellow members, because SNH is, after all, built off a system catered to the male gaze) impacted her? She likes to present herself in a very gung-ho way, as if she’s scared of nothing–but I remember her once saying that she’s actually scared of a lot of things, she just doesn’t want to share it with us.

Sun Rui/Xu Jiaqi

Ah, the angst-ridden 37cp. Honestly, I don’t see it as extremely angsty–I know people were all influenced by that ONE douban cp post talking about Kiki’s unrequited crush on SR that spanned for 6 years, but honestly, I think of them in another way. I just think that if anyone was to have an unrequited crush, it would be SUN RUI–Kiki is in 7senses & is constantly overworked…….. I don’t think she has time to dwell on an unrequited crush. I just love how their relationship has, as Kiki once said, exploded at first and then settled into a comfortable friendship–because while I do think they tried to do the whole “cp” thing in the beginning, SR realized she couldn’t do it, so they stopped. It reminded me of gay chicken, lol: I’d love a fic where both of them try to start their “cp” & outgay each other. Another idea that I have is them in a fwb situation, and SR being too scared to ask for more, and Kiki not knowing that she wants more (bcs SR is very flippant sometimes). I just think about this cp a lot. They’re great.

To expand on the gay chicken headcanon I have…. I once texted a friend this:

I have this gay chicken headcanon of kiki and sunrui making this pact to “market” their ship in 2013 and then sunrui eventually gets uncomfy bcs she’s not exactly straight so she loses and then its just 4 years, post 2016, of kiki tormenting sr slowly knowing that she’s won bcs sr thinks she’s hot and wont act on it

Fei Qinyuan/Sun Rui

Ship DNWs: Nothing sexual/romantic between them when FQY is underage, please.

So many people would tell me I’m going to hell for wanting fic about these two, but I love the dynamic so much–I know it emerged out of FQY wanting to be best friends with SR, but I’m not gonna lie, I think she had a really cute hero crush on SR when she was younger. An idea I have for them is FQY growing up, and then realizing that her feelings for SR are more complicated than she thought–and pushing, telling SR about it, in a naive way, and thinking that her feelings are unreciprocrated (but really, SR is just emotionally constipated).

Sun Rui/Dai Meng

[Daimeng voice] ALPHA/ALPHA. Daimeng is one of my favourite SNH members as well, and I love how unsubtle she is with this whole cp business thing (we don’t talk about daimo), and it’s just really interesting to me on so many levels. At Daimeng’s bday stage, SR once said that Daimeng is actually really really sweet and nice, more of a 少女 than you’d think–that when she met Daimeng she was cute and lovely but she had to build up this tough steely exterior because that’s what her fans wanted from her. And Daimeng was team captain during like… the most important MESSY painful years of snh, juggling all these responsibilities and burdens that required her to mature a lot and be a tough strong leader (which she always is now). So, while I think both of them Have cultivated an image of like, Strong Alpha, I think it comes more natural to sunrui than to Daimeng.

The TLDR is that I think: Let Daimeng Bottom Sometimes!

Sun Rui/Duan Yixuan

This is definitely a newer ship, but I ADORE it nonetheless……. they’re the definition of this meme ahaha. Two stubborn, wonderful, Leos! I just think they’re gonna bicker until they accidentally fall in love. Here’s a thought that I texted my friend with:

I enjoy it so much because it is true that one of sunrui’s “straight man” qualities is that if she sees a cute girl her first instinct is to BULLY (confirmed by her). she only knows how to do that because she’s an idiot and a coward and very emotionally constipated. and ddd is cute and small and so fun to bicker with and they will bicker until they fall in love

Sun Rui/Lu Ting

I am just so emotional over the choked “ge” that SR said when she saw Lu Ting at the elections. I just think they’re so wonderfully stubborn, and that Lu Ting is so protective & great–SR once said that LT is who she goes too if she has any troubles, and I adore that. LT just being SR’s dage is something that I love very much.

THE WITCHER (TV): Tissaia de Vries/Yennefer of Vengerburg

Ship DNWs: Nothing sexual/romantic between them when Yen is being taught in Aretuza, please)

Frankly, this was the ONLY ship from the witcher that I felt the burning need to read fic for…… I was just so fascinated by it… Yennefer, being as beautiful and dangerous as she is, and Tissaia, having seen that chaos blossom (slightly!) at Aretuza, and then seen it fully unfurl at the battle of Sodden. I’m just really interested in the years in-between, from when Yen admits that she craves for “everything” to when she gives in to Tissaia’s plea back at Aretuza, and agrees to go–all because of that please, that even though she’s not a student anymore, Yen craves the knowledge that Tissaia needs her. If you’ve watched Hannibal, it reminded me a lot of that one Hannibal/Will moment, lol. I’m okay with the fic being terribly fucked up and sad–I’d be more than happy to read something unhappy!

WONDER GIRLS: Kim Yubin/Lee Sunmi

Ahhh, I love them so much. Sunmi–who I cannot believe I thought was not straight once upon a time, is just so much fun–weird in the most wonderful way, and has never released a bad song before. I think Yubin’s been a little less sure of how she wanted her post-WG solo career to go, and I’d be interested in any fic that explores them pre and post split–would Yubin have felt any jealously, seeing Sunmi rise up to the top like that? And also, I think Yubin has tried to cultivate an image of her being a lot more strong and confident than she actually is–as she admitted in an interview, she had a “girl crush” persona she felt she had to adhere to, despite feeling unconfident/uncomfortable herself. I’d also be interested in fic exploring, perhaps, a slightly more fucked up version of their relationship–Yubin is (as we all know) a lesbian, whereas I see Sunmi as a Straight Girl… so if they were to enter a sexual relationship, how would Sunmi’s self-identified status as a Straight Girl come into place?

#exchange letters

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elisaenglish · 4 years

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This Is Water: David Foster Wallace on Life

Revisiting the tragic literary hero’s only public insights on life.

On September 12, 2008, David Foster Wallace took his own life, becoming a kind of patron-saint of the “tortured genius” myth of creativity. Just three years prior to his suicide, he stepped onto the podium at Kenyon College and delivered one of the most timeless graduation speeches of all time — the only public talk he ever gave on his views of life. The speech, which includes a remark about suicide by firearms that came to be extensively discussed after Wallace’s own eventual suicide, was published as a slim book titled This Is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life (public library).

You can hear the original delivery in two parts here and here, along with the the most poignant passages.

On solipsism and compassion, and the choice to see the other:

“Here is just one example of the total wrongness of something I tend to be automatically sure of: everything in my own immediate experience supports my deep belief that I am the absolute centre of the universe; the realest, most vivid and important person in existence. We rarely think about this sort of natural, basic self-centredness because it’s so socially repulsive. But it’s pretty much the same for all of us. It is our default setting, hard-wired into our boards at birth. Think about it: there is no experience you have had that you are not the absolute centre of. The world as you experience it is there in front of YOU or behind YOU, to the left or right of YOU, on YOUR TV or YOUR monitor. And so on. Other people’s thoughts and feelings have to be communicated to you somehow, but your own are so immediate, urgent, real.

Please don’t worry that I’m getting ready to lecture you about compassion or other-directedness or all the so-called virtues. This is not a matter of virtue. It’s a matter of my choosing to do the work of somehow altering or getting free of my natural, hard-wired default setting which is to be deeply and literally self-centered and to see and interpret everything through this lens of self. People who can adjust their natural default setting this way are often described as being ‘well-adjusted’, which I suggest to you is not an accidental term.”

On the double-edged sword of the intellect, which Einstein, Steve Jobs, and Anne Lamott have spoken to:

“It is extremely difficult to stay alert and attentive, instead of getting hypnotised by the constant monologue inside your own head (maybe happening right now). Twenty years after my own graduation, I have come gradually to understand that the liberal arts cliché about teaching you how to think is actually shorthand for a much deeper, more serious idea: learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed. Think of the old cliché about ‘the mind being an excellent servant but a terrible master.’

This, like many clichés, so lame and unexciting on the surface, actually expresses a great and terrible truth. It is not the least bit coincidental that adults who commit suicide with firearms almost always shoot themselves in the head. They shoot the terrible master. And the truth is that most of these suicides are actually dead long before they pull the trigger.

And I submit that this is what the real, no-bullshit value of your liberal arts education is supposed to be about: how to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone day in and day out.”

On empathy and kindness, echoing Einstein:

“[P]lease don’t think that I’m giving you moral advice, or that I’m saying you are supposed to think this way, or that anyone expects you to just automatically do it. Because it’s hard. It takes will and effort, and if you are like me, some days you won’t be able to do it, or you just flat out won’t want to.

But most days, if you’re aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently at this fat, dead-eyed, over-made-up lady who just screamed at her kid in the checkout line. Maybe she’s not usually like this. Maybe she’s been up three straight nights holding the hand of a husband who is dying of bone cancer. Or maybe this very lady is the low-wage clerk at the motor vehicle department, who just yesterday helped your spouse resolve a horrific, infuriating, red-tape problem through some small act of bureaucratic kindness. Of course, none of this is likely, but it’s also not impossible. It just depends what you want to consider. If you’re automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won’t consider possibilities that aren’t annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.”

On false ideals and real freedom, or what Paul Graham has called the trap of prestige:

“Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they’re evil or sinful, it’s that they’re unconscious. They are default settings.

They’re the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that’s what you’re doing.

And the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on your default settings, because the so-called real world of men and money and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self. Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom. The freedom all to be lords of our tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the centre of all creation. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talk about much in the great outside world of wanting and achieving... The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.

That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.”

On what “education” really means and the art of being fully awake to the world:

“The real value of a real education [has] almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over:

‘This is water.’

It is unimaginably hard to do this, to stay conscious and alive in the adult world day in and day out. Which means yet another grand cliché turns out to be true: your education really IS the job of a lifetime.”

In the altogether excellent Magic Hours: Essays on Creators and Creation, Tom Bissell writes:

“The terrible master eventually defeated David Foster Wallace, which makes it easy to forget that none of the cloudlessly sane and true things he had to say about life in 2005 are any less sane or true today, however tragic the truth now seems. This Is Water does nothing to lessen the pain of Wallace’s defeat. What it does is remind us of his strength and goodness and decency — the parts of him the terrible master could never defeat, and never will.”

Complement with the newly released David Foster Wallace biography.

Source: Maria Popova, brainpickings.org (12th September 2012)

#quote #love #life #meaning #existential musings #all eternal things #love in a time of...#intelligence quotients #depth perception #critical thinking #being human #this is who we are #stands on its own #elisa english #elisaenglish

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angstmonsterwrites · 4 years

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About two weeks ago, I had a single, seemingly stray intrusive thought that managed set down poisonous roots, provoking one spiraling panic attack after the next: “You’re going to lose everyone.”

I began picking everything, and I do mean everything I read or heard with any emotional substance apart for the slightest disagreement and sifting through the myriad ways words could be twisted and defined and redefined. There was a constant argument raging in my mind where all the solutions were wrong and unsatisfying. No one and nothing was allowed to be right. (I needed to call everything and everyone wrong, because that’s how I felt.)

The topic that kept emerging was this idea I’d been emotionally or even outright spiritually crippled from being able to connect with others the way other people connect with other people. The idea that I could never be more than someone’s spare, third wheel became an object of sheer obsession. I was, for a short while, convinced that it was an absolute truth for me. A prison.

Today, on my birthday--because emotional trauma likes to ruin what are supposed to be happy days--all of that finally came to a head. I spent most of the day in near hysterical fits of tears. For most of the day, the singular thought I wrestled with was, “I wish people would stop assuming I want to be left alone. But what if they only do that because it grants them cover for not wanting deal with me at all? I wish they’d just come clean and be done with it.” (As few people as I have close relationships with, I hear the ‘I thought you needed space’ line quite a bit out of all of them.) I didn’t really give it words, though, because that idea felt too small.

What emerged from all of that was a gut-wrenching lament over a group of former friends who’d betrayed me back when I was 23, and over events that have transpired with my mother since then.

The “friends” and I worked and hung out for about 3 or so years before we all moved in together. Their father treated them like crap, so in spite of the underhanded insults they threw my way that should have served as red flags, I followed through with plans that we should all move in together. When they at last had me in the same house, paying way more than my agreed upon share of the bills and cleaning all the messes--essentially taking the place of a parent--they lost all interest in including me socially. I was ostracized. I grew increasingly depressed, I tried to express my upset, and was rewarded with eye-rolling and mockery for throwing “temper tantrums”. Imagine the sort of person who’d snap at someone they found one evening with slightly bloodied up wrists, telling her that she needed to “knock off the childish bullshit”. That’s who these people were. These “friends”.

After that incident, I made arrangements to rent a townhouse with my mom. We were both on the lease with equally shared responsibilities. It was meant to be an honest roommates situation. For about a year, it was good and quiet. We were both the type who were good at sharing a silent room together. I had time to lick the wounds that having one’s entire social life turn out to be a sham and collapse in on her tends to leave. But then her boyfriend--the man who is now a very abusive spouse--moved in with us. It wasn’t long before I found myself very unwelcome in that situation as well. She started drinking again after 5 years of sobriety. When I protested, it was met with shrill accusations of being a ‘controlling judgemental shit’ from my mother, and condemnation from the boyfriend for being a ‘disrespectful overgrown, clingy child’. From there, I moved out to a drafty apartment that...had quite a spider issue...

The tears finally stopped when I was able to say this: “Mom used me too. Right after what happened with those assholes, she did the same thing. She used me too. I was just a placeholder for the husband she didn’t have.”

And tragically, I have to admit that has often been the nature of our relationship since she left my father back when I was 13. In retrospect, I’ve been foolish to expect any different.

She’s been waffling over the past several months over the possibility of leaving him, as he’s grown increasingly physically violent. She practically begged my forgiveness for what happened back when I was 23-24, for “choosing him”. I told her I’d help her any way she needed--she’s disabled and would need help paying for meds and such. Sadly, those conversations have once again devolved into the occasional accusations against me for “having no clue” as to how much help she’d need, all but insulting me for daring to offer the help she actually asked for. It’s like being 15 all over again, listening to her drunk ramblings about how she’s going to wind up on the street, and any help or hope I try to offer, even after she outright asks for it, is shot down as the fantasies of a naive little girl who has no idea. (Oh, but I knew, even way back then. I was a snoopy little shit. I saw all of the bills. I did the math. I knew. I’ve always been painfully aware.)

I was crying all day today, because at last I became fully conscious of how badly my mother wronged me, and continues to do so. I finally understood that the sense of always being a third wheel and feeling unable to connect with others comes simply from having been treated exactly that way for years. I’m only important, only wanted, when I’m filling in for someone else or being useful, and I’m terrified that’s ultimately where every relationship I have will ultimately wind up. And indeed, if they do, I will lose everyone. Again and again and again, as it ever was.

I do believe at this point I’d be happier an orphan. My father raised me into an awkward, insecure, people-pleasing perfectionist, but it was my mother who hammered in the worst of the cracks in my ability to socialize anything close to normal. She’s the one who dropped the invisible wall between me and anyone I might care for so that there’s a limit to how connected I might truly feel.

So, instead of a day of celebrating another year of life passed, it was a day of mourning for life wasted and relationships lost. It was a day when I wanted to look at those I care for most and who haven’t used me and tell them that I love them, but the words kept getting trapped. And in my worst paranoia, I keep waiting to be told I’m a cog and a monstrosity who has no idea what love, of any kind, really is.

Because I was made to be used. I was made to get out of the way when the ones people really want come along, denied even the dignified right to complain about it without feeling like I’m just being a petulant child. (”Boohoo. Nobody likes me. Waah. Please. Get over it, kid,” my own mind mocks me.)

But no--I’m done with that. I’m angry--absolutely livid--and I am complaining. I have every right to it, and I want my soul back.

#personal #really long post #personal musings #emotional abuse tw #I think this is the last post I'll make on this at length.#Hey it still counts as writing.

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shutterupp31 · 4 years

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Toxic masculinity-Whats wrong with our boys?

For centuries men have been condemned for acts of aggression, violence, and sexism, contributing to the ongoing popularity of the phrase ‘toxic masculinity’ which distinguishes these traits as toxic and unhealthy. The American psychological association have even recently introduced new guidelines for therapists working with both men and boys, indicating that early signs of extreme ‘traditional masculine behaviour’ can root themselves in personality traits that encourage outcomes of violence and misogyny, and must be disestablished early.

With the increase in male suicide rates and drug overdoses in the western world, combined with the rise of fourth wave feminism, as you can imagine, the debate on toxic masculinity is becoming all the more relevant amongst both genders. Mass media have blamed toxic masculinity for rape, mass shootings, online trolling, climate change and even the election of Donald Trump.

BUT is the phrase toxic masculinity actually helpful, accurate or universal? Let's discuss.

Like any phrase or term regularly recycled within gender debate, the stereotypes it highlights have divided peoples opinions drastically, a predictable conflict that has most definitely contributed to the terms rise, (Yay politics). On the right we have many conservatives who allege that the charges of toxic masculinity is itself an attack on manhood. With mental health problems amongst males consistently rising, combined with the challenges the men's right movement already face, including paternity rights, homelessness, education to name a FEW, these people argue that it is dangerous and unfair to strip boys of what some would say is a necessity for them to discover their true selves as men in their time of need.

On the other side we see many ‘progressives’ who believe that the detoxification of masculinity is absolutely essential on the road to gender equality.

NOW, i'm sure (I mean I hope) we can all agree that issues including sexism, rape, violence and so on are obviously important and anyone male or female that possess these traits and/or actively defends them, needs help! Research consistently shows that those who hold sexist attitudes are more likely to perpetrate gendered violence. (DUH), but the potential biological and cultural contributions to why these figures are disproportionate amongst men and women is not something I wish to discuss at present, that's a whole other debate.

What I do want to talk about (and what a lot of people aren't talking about) is this ‘painting every male with the same brush’ phenomenon and the extent to which this could be harmful.

My issue with the shift we have seen in which masculinity is rapidly becoming a dirty word, is that it genuinely encourages a narrative in which masculinity is fundamentally toxic.

The assumption that the majority of what can be considered as male specific characteristics, as fundamentally harmful, is becoming increasingly worrying within socialist politics. Traits such as aggression, violence and dominance are more and more often being lumped in with those such as strength, confidence and independence and this is the problem. Yes masculinity can indeed be somewhat destructive, (AGAIN VIOLENCE IS BAD VERY BAD, NON VIOLENCE GOOD VERY GOOD) but both conservative and liberal stances on this issue commonly misunderstand how the term functions.

When people use it, they tend to diagnose the problem of masculine aggression and entitlement as a cultural or spiritual illness, something that has infected today’s men and leads them to reproachable acts. But toxic masculinity itself is not a cause. Over the past thirty years, as the concept has morphed and changed, it has served more as a barometer for the gender politics of its day and as an arrow toward the subtler, shifting causes of violence and sexism.

Acts of violence, aggression and sexism arise for a whole host of reasons, including socioeconomic factors such as education, class, and poverty, NEWSFLASH, not all men that celebrate the idea of being emotionally or physically strong intend to murder and rape the entire female population!

THOUGHT EXPERIMENT TIME

How often do you see women on social media celebrating what it means to be a woman? All the time right? Now, don't get me wrong, this rise of what I'm gonna call ‘girl power culture’ is phenomenally empowering.

But how often do you see men innocently celebrate their manhood or say they are proud to be a man online in the same way?

Very rarely, and if they do they are often immediately attacked for being misogynistic and failing to recognise their privilege by Feminazi’s who fail to read context and get triggered by buzzwords.

Ooooo Controversial? Perhaps, but AGAIN, I'm not failing to recognise that things like lad culture, and boys will be boys culture exist, and perhaps this obvious difference on social media has something to do with the years of oppression against women up until very recently, in fact it probably, most certainly is, however not acknowledging the multiplicity of reasons for these toxic behaviours, and not allowing men to celebrate that they like and may even enjoy being one, in the same way as its widely excepted amongst women, is well, kinda just dumb.

Don't believe me yet? Let's look at the evidence.

First I think it is important to establish where the term originated. Despite the term’s recent popularity among feminists, toxic masculinity did not originate with the women’s movement. It was coined in the mythopoetic men's movement of the 1980s and ’90s, motivated in part as a reaction to second-wave feminism. Through male only workshops, wilderness retreats, and drumming circles, this movement promoted a masculine spirituality to rescue what it referred to as the ‘deep masculine’, a protective ‘warrior’ type masculinity, from toxic masculinity. Men’s aggression and frustration was, according to the movement, the result of a society that feminized boys by denying them the necessary rites and rituals to realise their true selves as men.

The claim of a singular, real masculinity has now been roundly rejected by a new sociology of masculinity. Led by the sociologist Raewyn Connell, this school of thought presents gender as the product of relations and behaviours, rather than as a fixed set of identities and attributes. Connell’s work describes multiple masculinities shaped by class, race, culture, sexuality, and other factors, often in competition with one another as to which can claim to be more authentic. In this view, which is now the prevailing social scientific understanding of masculinity, the standards by which a “real man” is defined can vary dramatically across time and place.

Connell and others theorised that common masculine ideals such as social respect, physical strength, and sexual potency can of course become problematic when they set unattainable standards. Falling short can make boys and men insecure and anxious, which might prompt them to use force in order to feel, and be seen as, dominant and in control, HOWEVER Male violence in this scenario doesn’t emanate from something bad or toxic that has crept into the nature of masculinity itself. Rather, it comes from these men’s social and political settings, the particularities of which set them up for inner conflicts over social expectations and male entitlement.

The popular discussion of masculinity has often presumed there are fixed character types among men, and I think it's become increasingly more important to be skeptical of this in order to understand the situations in which groups of men act, the patterns, and the inevitable consequences, because without doing so ,YOU may be contributing to the reinforcement of the toxic masculinity in which you despise so much, which brings us on to….

The blame game-are you contributing to toxic masculinity?

Where do these sexist attitudes come from? Are men and boys just the victims of cultural brainwashing into misogyny and aggression, requiring reeducation into the ‘right’ beliefs? Or are these problems more deep rooted, and created by the myriad of insecurities and contradictions of men’s lives under gender inequality? The problem with a crusade against toxic masculinity is that in targeting culture as the enemy, it risks overlooking the real life conditions and forces that sustain culture.

It is more than likely that you have somewhat contributed to the reinforcement of toxic masculinity without even realising. Something I see so often is both men and women emasculating men for being emotionally vulnerable and this specific topic is something I personally find alarming. In the same way I defend a man's right to choose how and whether he verbally expresses emotions, I strongly believe that there is work to be done to deconstruct the stigma that is attached to this, when and if they choose to do so.

In similar fashion, in the way we have fought so hard to reject female beauty standards, it's really essential that we consider the male equivalent. Don't think there is one? Ask any man under 5 foot 8, ask any bald man under the age of 30, ask any man who has been shamed for the lack of, or excess of body hair. We have to start recognising that there is a double standard, and without too much speculation, could these expectations and lack of attention we are giving them in comparison to a lot of feminist issues in mass media, be somewhat contributing to the frustration and anger that manifests into these toxic traits we have been discussing. YEAH, FUCKING PROBABLY.

Anyway, in summary what I'm saying is, in the same way that the toxic traits we subscribe to masculinity are not universal amongst all males, the solutions to those issues that we have identified within this culture, are also not universal. Recognising differences in the lives of men and boys is crucial to the effectiveness of efforts to resolve gender violence and inequality once and for all, some food for thought.

Stay kind always, Abbie x

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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800

.·゜゜·. Holy Cow A Survey .·゜゜·. (and holy cow, it’s my 800th on here) by junkie_dreams

1. What made you pick up the last book you started reading? I started reading it for a while, then thesis made me too busy to read it for a few weeks, then when I was finished with that I realized I’ve left the book alone so I continued it and proceeded to finish the whole thing.

2. Have you received any bad or troubling news lately? All things revolving around Covid19, George Floyd, & Trump < Pretty much, though replace Trump with Duterte. He’s being such a cranky ass about hastily passing this new bill that will essentially allow warrantless arrests to anyone complaining about him on the internet, so everyone’s kinda stressing out about that right now.

3. When was the last time you were relieved about something? Since Tuesday, every day that I’ve woken up without a fever is a relief. Another thing is that it’s Gabie’s birthday today and I was relieved to find out that she loved the surprise I made for her :) I pooled all her friends together and made them do video birthday greetings and submit photos that they have with her and I compiled it in a simple short film. It turned out super cute!

4. What about your life concerns you the most? Anything job-wise. They say 2020 graduates are heading into the worst job market in a very long time, and I think that’s pretty straightforward information.

5. Is there a common thing most people seem to do without trouble, but it scares you (talking on the phone, driving, interviews, etc)? When was the last time you had to do one of these kinds of things? Talking on the phone, ordering in a restaurant, and asking for help in any kind of store. I had to talk to a Grab delivery driver the other day to help him with directions going to my house; andddd I don’t usually have to recite my order or ask for help at a store myself because my girlfriend will often be the one to speak for me HAHAHAH.

6. Is a pen pal something you would enjoy? If so, what kinds of little things would you send your pen friends? No, only because writing exhausts me these days. I only enjoy writing for people I already know very well and love, and I wouldn’t feel invested enough to write to people I don’t know all that much yet.

7. Describe a time when you were there for a friend? Angela was sad the other day so I dropped her short messages to let her know I was there for her. She never replied, but it’s okay; it was just important to me that she knew I wasn’t going to leave her alone.

8. When was the last time you went somewhere for the first time? I dunno, I obviously haven’t gone around the city in months...though I’m thinking it’s the milk tea place we have at campus, called Nomu. I was there to pick up a drink a week before lockdown.

9. What is a situation that makes you feel especially confident? If it’s a situation that I know I can handle, like a test I studied a lot for; or if it’s a situation where I have a lot of support.

10. What was the subject of your most recent conversation? My dad was asking if he can have one of my soju bottles (my mom recently bought me five) and was also asking what flavor is really good. That prompted me to walk over and hesitatingly point out the good flavors, until he said, “Just kidding, I was just checking to see if this will make you stand up. You’re so predictableeeeeeeee” hahahaha

11. Hypothetically and generally speaking, how would you go about breaking up with someone? Is there anything you would make sure to say, or perhaps not say? I’d do it personally, say everything there is to say, and let’s face it, I see myself crying a lot too because I can never have serious conversations without tearing up lol.

12. Are you more of a night person or a day person? What is it about the night/day that you favor? I like the nightlife more. I hate the sun and when it’s bright out, so I’m most active when it’s evening and the lights and stars are pretty.

13. What do you find particularly offensive? Would you say you’re easy or difficult to offend? Mostly anything racist, misogynist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, biphobic, acephobic, and anti-poor. I’m very alert about these things and will call out anyone making insensitive sentiments about any of them.

14. Is there a belief you have that most others around you don’t have? Do you share this belief with others, or do you tend to keep it to yourself? Have you ever offended anyone with this belief? Ok so it’s technically the opposite of belief but I am atheist in a predominantly Catholic country. I’m very vocal about it except with my family. I probably have offended some people by stuff I’ve said or shared, but I don’t care. If they choose to ignore the myriad of issues surrounding their religion, they’re part of the problem and the reason why I’m so wholly against it.

15. Do you consider internet friendships as important as offline friendships, or do you view them differently? I value offline friendships more.

16. When was the last time you visited relatives or friends of the family? Is visiting family something you enjoy? I visited my lola, aunt, and cousins last Sunday when I was sick, since the doctor we were heading to lives in the same village. I hadn’t seen them since December I think? so my lola cried when she saw us walk through the front gate :’) I love visiting family, whoever it may be. It’s always fun to catch up, as long as conversations don’t turn into politics lol.

17. What did you do for the last holiday or event you celebrated? For my birthday we were stuck in lockdown so I couldn’t really do anything, but we had lots of food which is the easiest way to make me happy anyway. My parents and sister bought a blueberry cheesecake but had the blueberry part scraped off and then they crushed a whole pack of Oreos to turn it into an Oreo cheesecake lol; and Angela sent me a box of sushi.

18. If you’ve moved out from home, what was the scariest thing about it? What was/is your favorite thing about it? I haven’t yet.

19. Are there any fictional characters you like even though they’re “bad” or “evil?” What qualities draw you to a character? Yeah. Many antagonists speak the truth, and that makes it so easy to root for them. It’s this case very often in pro wrestling.

20. What are your thoughts on “forgiving” murderers, rapists, attackers, etc? Do you think it’s even possible to forgive these people? I don’t even forgive friends who betray me, so much less would I forgive assholes like the ones you listed. It’s definitely possible; I just choose not to do it because that’s my way of being in peace.

21. What was the last series you finished watching? Do you have any plans to begin another? I’m awwwwwwwful at finishing series man. I’m still on Descendants of the Sun but I also started a rewatch of The Big Bang Theory lmao. I want to finish DOTS first though and then maybe move on to Crash Landing On You, another Korean drama. Big Bang’s not really a priority for me and just something I wanna watch when I don’t want anything too heavy.

22. What is one way in which you are different from a year ago? What is one way in which you are still the same? I’m a lot less afraid of dealing with people (and been better with it) thanks to the stuff I’ve had to do in the last year, like my internship and heading external relations for my org. I’m still the same in the sense that I’m still deathly terrified in the last few moments before I do the aforementioned dealing with people lol. Once I jump into the conversation I’m perfect, but I take f o r e v e r to get prepared.

23. When was the last time you had to walk somewhere in the rain? How about the snow? I don’t like walking in the rain and we don’t get snow.

24. Are there any types of survey questions you dread or don’t like answering for whatever reason? What kinds of questions do you like best? Questions that make me think too much or are too deep. I also don’t like basic surveys. Random is where it’s at. Ask me what I got at the last restaurant I was at, places I plan to visit soon, the last time I got mad, stuff like that.

25. If you could learn about anything without the stress of grades or cost, what kind of classes would you take? Law.

26. What was the last item of clothing you purchased? Do you wear it often? Two identical tops in different colors. I haven’t gotten the chance to wear either a lot because lockdown happened shortly after I bought them.

27. Has anything made you feel nostalgic lately? Sure. When I was compiling stuff for Gab’s surprise video, I came across some very old photos of us and of her and Angela.

28. What was the last chore you completed? Wash my plate from breakfast.

29. Name a song you’ve listened to today? 7/11 by Beyoncé, heh.

30. Is there anything you’ve promised yourself you’ll never do again? Drink buko juice. I had to drink it for the first few days of my UTI treatment and it’s so disgustinggggggg.

#survey #surveys

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