#I don’t mean to be negative towards them bc I can absolutely understand where they’re coming from but I’m not trying to step on any toes

[woobble42069]

The “badboyhalo is dappers egg” jokes rub me the wrong way. It does two things, devalue the amount of work qbbh puts in to being a good caretaker and specifically dad for pomme and dapper while also forcing dapper in to the role of an adult. Dapper (and pomme) were forced to grow up really quickly being the last two eggs with two lives. People will ask dapper for things and favors all the time to the point where the poor egg felt stretched thin. I feel like people neglect to realize dapper is still just a baby because he doesn’t show his childish mannerisms in public as much as he does with the late night crew but he still is very much so a kid. I know it’s not that deep but the other day with bagi and tina made me see how new islanders didn’t see the same struggles old islanders did and so they were finding some truth in the joke that isn’t really there imo. Bagi hitting him with the frying pan saying who is he to talk when she takes care of two kids or Tina about her concerns with bad right in front of his son as if he was not there. It felt like dapper wasn’t seen as a son in those moments.

[bifurious-rex]

content warning for addiction, overdose, ableism, classism.

since apparently nobody on this godforsaken website knows how to google things or engage critically, some of yall been usin harm reduction in completely irrelevant ways that misconstrue what harm reduction actually is and, believe it or not, that fucking hurts people.

harm reduction: is the idea that moral judgement is not a productive aspect of addiction care and accommodating drug users. it's any practice designed to minimize the potential negative consequences of drug use and prioritizes overall well-being over stigmatizing drug use any further.

harm reduction is a relatively new idea that's only been put into practice in the past few decades, which is pretty fuckin sad considering the majority of it is common sense and was already practiced unofficially in certain marginalized communities.

what does harm reduction include? a whole lot of shit

needle exchange programs

decriminalization of drug usage

community support and outreach programs

access to naxolone (also known as Narcan,) which can reverse the effects of an opiate overdose

recovery programs

supervised injection sites

access to related healthcare without threat of discrimination or legal action

etc.

harm reduction is a wide-ranging field of strategies, it boils down to respecting drug users, meeting them where they're currently at, and keeping all involved parties as safe as possible.

addiction is horrifically stigmatized, and this stigmatization leads to families being ripped apart, people overdosing, incarceration, and a host of other consequences. for many of us, addiction is a reality that we cannot ignore. it's ourselves, our loved ones, our communities. as it stands, marginalized communities are disproportionately affected by the stigma of addiction and drug usage, especially communities of color and poor communities. i am from appalachia, and while i'm not personally in recovery, i was raised by a mother who is. i grew up going to 12-step programs, and i've seen the way the system and its view of addiction destroys lives.

i say this to show the stakes. harm reduction is the first time that the needs and humanity of addicts and drug users has really been formally considered by organizations, much less local governments. it's potentially game-changing for many people. harm reduction saves lives. it keeps kids from being raised by grandparents or in the foster care system. it keeps people from OD-ing in the streets. it gives the chance for addicts to be treated like the people they are, in a world that does nothing but vilify and kill them. every overdose could be preventable. anything that gets in the way of that costs lives.

why is this relevant rn? because people online have a habit of taking serious terminology and diluting the meaning to prove their own point. i'm telling yall right now, you cannot be doing that. i don't even want to get into the specific case that i just witnessed, because point blank, yall cannot be using this to win arguments in fandom or shed accountability. harm reduction is DEEPLY stigmatized in many of the communities its most need in. in 2015, 25 to 40 year olds in appalachia were 70% higher in terms of fatal overdoses than those outside of appalachia. (source) overall, for a lot of social and political reasons, the stigma is worse in places it's needed more. (example)

can harm reduction be used in other contexts? yes!!! absolutely! (for example, it's also utilized by sex workers.) it should be used in other contexts, when it's appropriate and productive.

do you know when it isn't productive? when you're diluting the meaning by using it when talking about fandom shit. for real, if i ever have to see this shit again i'm going to lose my mind. please understand that the misunderstanding of what harm reduction is kills people. it is not a toy for you to play with. undermining the actual purpose of harm reduction gives politicians and opponents to harm reduction more leverage to block life-saving programs that are desperately needed and sorely underfunded.

this shit is particularly relevant rn because the pandemic has led to overdose rates skyrocketing. alright? ok.

FIND A HARM REDUCTION PROGRAM NEAR YOU (x)

reading you can do: (this is not extensive, i'm fuckin exhausted from writing this shit out. if you have suggestions hmu. also they're biased towards wv and appalachia bc. hick.) Understanding Harm Reduction (available in English, Chinese, Punjabi, Farsi, French, Korean, Spanish, and Vietnamese) Reducing Stigma in Appalachia Sex Work + Harm Reduction Stigma Free WV How the Closure of Harm Reduction Changes Rural Healthcare IHRC 2019 Reading List NHRC Resource Center

[petz5]

no one asked but real quick here r my opinions on ranma pairings that come to mind!! obv i’m not trying to say u Cant feel differently abt them, these r just my own thoughts

ranma/akane - if uve followed me for even half a day u already know this is my absolute fave one. yes it’s canon no that doesn’t make it boring, they understand each other on a level the other characters don’t even come close to

ranma/shampoo - die in a fire they r SO bad for each other (shampoo is significantly worse but ranma’s also not great to her)

ranma/ukyo - don’t love it but i suppose she’d be the next best choice after akane (at least as a pairing that could realistically happen in canon bc there’s no way something like ranryo would ever happen). i love ukyo but not with ranma, she doesn’t listen to his wants and honestly i think he’d hold her back, and i also don’t think she ever really was in love w him and just kinda felt obligated bc “oh shit if I cant kill him and I don’t marry him then I’ve wasted my life.” LOVE these two as besties tho

ranma/kodachi - literally dont feel like I need to say anything here, ive never seen anyone ship them

ranma/ryoga - not my cup of tea but I can see why ppl like it. genuinely it’s mostly bc i cant see ranma liking men lmao i mean he flirts w them for free food and whatever but he always gets grossed out when they try to respond. i personally see ranma as a lesbian

ranma/ryoga/akane - same as above except i understand it less. mmmmaybe if akane and ryoga both loved ranma but not each other?? ryoga and ranma had some actual chemistry, but akane and ryoga……… eeehh. speaking of!

akane/ryoga - don’t ship at all. ryoga is kinder to her than ranma if you’re judging on the surface, but he doesn’t fundamentally understand her the way ranma does and doubts her ability a lot more. (to the point ranma has to physically stop him in one episode to tell him “this is akane’s fight, she’s got this and will be mad if you meddle”) also the whole p-chan thing is creepy. i enjoy ryoga as character but i don’t think he fits w her at all

akane/shampoo - don’t like it. i mean i’ve read fics where shampoo admits to liking akane (or even just respecting her as a fellow female martial artist) but also like… that exists outside of canon shampoo to me lol. canon shampoo doesn’t care about other people, and she in particular is homophobic towards akane to her face

akane/ukyo - i like it to an extent! if it were in canon i wouldn’t want it to go beyond like akane blushing when ukyo saves her and maybe offhandedly saying something like “she’s so cool” and ukyo, after spending some time w akane, admitting to herself that she can understand why ranma likes her. i think it’s cute to think abt

akane/kodachi - i love this but only one-sidedly. in canon i’d want kodachi to be Like That with ranma purely to rile up akane bc she wants her attention. i mean literally already in canon kodachi seems to not know what to do once she actually gets ranma other than dangle him over her alligator and wait for akane to save his ass. it’d be a funny twist for her to be doing all this just bc she wants to see akane and doesn’t think to just talk to her like a normal person

shampoo/mousse - don’t like at all

shampoo/ukyo - no real thoughts but I don’t love it. maybe similar to how I feel abt ranryo but while my feelings for that as neutral/positive this is neutral/negative

ukyo/ryoga - i can see why ppl like it and I believe I did too back in 2011 or so when i first watched it, but i feel like most ppl who ship this have only watched the anime (valid! but their manga partners are both great characters imo). I didn’t rlly see it at all upon rewatch and reading the manga put the final nail in the coffin. they’d be fun as friends tho! i like that they have a silly friendship similar to akane and mousse’s friendship where they’re more Worsties than anything but will hang out with and help each other if they need to

ukyo/tsubasa - no. i have very mixed feelings abt tsubasa as is, but ukyo has no interest in him and sees him as an annoyance so i wouldn’t want her to be w someone she doesn’t like (side note: used he/him for tsubasa bc he’s very open abt being a crossdresser. i know that crossdresser is used as a transphobic insult in the series, but… eehhh… tsubasa isn’t really like ranma and konatsu who are both pretty blatantly not cis. he declares himself as a guy all the time, which yeah ranma does too, but ranma’s whole character development is how that breaks down for him)

ukyo/konatsu - yes, i think they’re sweet and konatsu is very supportive of ukyo’s goals. i think this pairing would need more development before i’d really want it declared Officially Canon. i mean it is, but obv ukyo still has some feelings to work out similarly to ryoga and his canon gf, and i think she’d need to more clearly let go of ranma before this could truly blossom in canon. i love konatsu and i love ukyo and i think they’d be good girlfriends after a little work

ryoga/akari - love it, it’s sweet and i LOVE akari. like I said i think ryoga needs to work thru some shit/let go of akane to truly appreciate akari, and it’s annoying he’s still attached to her when he has a gf but i understand it’s difficult to just Stop liking someone you’ve liked for prob a solid year or so just bc u got asked out by someone else

these are all the ones I can think of rn but ur more than welcome to ask if u want my thots on any other ones lol

[crimeronan]

Can you explain the appeal of Julian Blackthorn? This is a genuine question because I read the books and came away utterly bored by him and unconvinced of his moral greyness as opposed to like, Adam Parrish’s. He seemed so one dimensional to me but I want to know if I’m Wrong TM considering I tend to be very very biased toward my favourite characters and bored by the rest, and my favourites were Mark and Kieran. So maybe I just didn’t pay him enough attention??

it’s been a while since i wrote any earnest tsc meta but cringe culture is dead and the chance to infodump about my julian thoughts has me vibrating where i’m sitting so.  yes okay.

technical stuff

(aka: things pertaining to How The Story Is Constructed)

cassandra clare’s characterization has become much stronger just in general since she first began writing the series like twenty years ago

perhaps most importantly: the more recent stuff i’ve read from her has involved characters who actually grow, change, and learn from their past mistakes 

rather than repeating the same stupid decisions over and over again

and over and over and over some more

seriously take a shot every time someone in tmi miscommunicates or self-destructs in ways They Have Learned Not To Do for no real reason. u will die of alcohol poisoning

in tda this shines ESPECIALLY with the evolution of mark, kieran, and cristina’s relationship, but that’s a separate post

clare’s trademark is also the angsty traumatized jerkass love interest with a secret heart of gold

the woman is almost singlehandedly responsible for draco in leather pants and the proliferation of this kind of character type in fandom and teen lit. this isn’t a criticism it’s me marveling at how if you commit hard enough to a single trope you truly can change the world.  follow your dreams

sad jackass with a heart of gold isn’t an Inherently Problematic Character Type

but poorly done it can lead to relationship dynamics in which one partner is constantly being hurt by and then forgiving the other despite them making no real effort to change, because they are narratively absolved due to being sad

(there’s a lot of this with earlier jace content.  in some ways i think will was later created specifically to be a same-archetype protagonist who actually does get called on his shit and grow. that’s also another post)

also if all of your sexy male love interests are tortured jackasses with a heart of gold then people start calling you a one-trick pony

enter julian blackthorn!

from the very start everything about him is designed to be the INVERSE of the heart of gold jackass.  which immediately makes him interesting just from a meta perspective

(mark and kieran are also both alternate angles on this time-honored archetype.  mark gets the heart of gold and kieran gets the jackass and then they’re both much more deeply messy than that.  yet another post)

julian is kind, self-sacrificing, empathetic, artistic, emotionally supportive, responsible, and favored by old grannies everywhere

so a completely nonthreatening milquetoast guy, right

immediately forgettable if you’re only here for the dramatic conflicts and shithead antics of clare’s other protags

except that he is A Mess

and that he has structured his priorities very carefully, and they are as selfless as you expect from The Hero (TM) but they are also Not Heroic (TM) and they do not align with the moral framework The Hero (TM) is supposed to use

moral ambiguity in characters always exists in relation to their narratives imo. you mention adam parrish - trc’s narrative already mucks around in different ethical shades of gray, and adam falls on the canon scale about where julian does on his canon scale.  both more willing than the average pov character to do the ruthless thing or make the fucked-up choice if the ends justify the means; both with an intensely strong sense of internal priorities that they adhere to at all costs, both so unbelievably fucking down for murder; etc

i do think there are ways julian’s choices could have been pushed even further, but considering the number of readers who hate his guts already, i can see why clare opted not to go for the most controversial possible conflicts

so we’re flipping the narrative

instead of seeing this angsty bad boy and peeling back the layers of his trauma to find his heart of gold, we’re seeing the put-together selfless family man and peeling back the layers of his Responsibility Mask to expose the rotting husk underneath

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

THAT IS FUN AS FUCK

then when julian DOES lash out in hurtful, uncontrolled ways, he has significantly more narrative justification for it than most of clare’s protagonists (will elaborate in characterization thoughts)

julian is also interesting as fuck because of how his struggles allow for a more in-depth look at the failings of shadowhunter society, something that’s also sorely lacking in clare’s earlier work

his apparent amorality is simply the result of him making pragmatic and impossible choices because he has been faced with fucked-up ethical dilemmas since age 12 Because Society Has Failed Him

which opens the door for narrative exploration of how and why he’s been failed so badly & what needs to change

i also love that he has such a coldly calculated way of analyzing situations and allowing harm to occur when need be, bc a lot of clare’s early protagonists have such a bad case of Rush In And Get Myself Killed Because I’ve Got Feelings About Impulsive Heroism syndrome that i wanna push them in front of a truck

probably there’s other meta narrative stuff i could say but i’m stopping myself and moving on to character analysis

characterization stuff

(aka: reasons why i’m also attached to him in a vacuum)

i don’t read him as one-dimensional at all tbh

u may feel the narrative pushes “ruthless julian blackthorn” too much without delivering enough actual ruthless julian But i don’t think that’s the same as having only one dimension

from the get-go, the big question centered on julian is always “how far are you willing to go?” and the narrative pushes the stakes slowly higher and higher to continuously test julian’s “the price is always justified” mindset

he has a far more layered and realistic response to trauma than clare’s early protagonists - trauma affects every single aspect of his personality and how he conducts himself, and the effects vary depending on the circumstances

his conviction that he has to be the perfect parent to his siblings because they will fall apart if they see him show weakness??  rooted in how he feels like he’s fallen apart since losing the stable adult support he once relied upon

his willingness to hurt semi-innocent people, commit coldblooded murder, manipulate people using political leverage, allow harm to befall any stranger if it protects his family??  rooted in how he has already had to ask himself how much he’s willing to sacrifice, and how his family is his only source of stability when the world has never done Shit for him

his conviction that he has a darker heart than anyone else because he killed his possessed father, even though intellectually he knows he was saving his brother’s life??  rooted in having no means of processing this trauma and being unable to voice his feelings for fear of backlash from a deeply non-understanding society

the way he represses every single negative emotion he ever has, to the point where emma - his actual literal magic soulmate who can feel his emotions - is startled to find him hurting or angry??  once again all about how he has to be the perfect father or he’s failed completely

the way his anger is so totally disproportionate to different situations and the way his negative emotions can only come out in completely uncontrolled breaks??  all that repression baybey.  this kid has not processed a single bad feeling in five years.  every single real grievance and petty annoyance has been festering indefinitely inside him like a slowly spreading infection

julian’s arc involves him needing to get thru being his worst self to actually start to heal

as in, he has to actually learn to acknowledge his feelings, take care of himself, lean on his family, and let other people take some responsibility

he also has to learn that in his quest to be the perfect emotionally controlled authority figure, he has not actually learned how to control or deal with his emotions. like. At Fucking All. good god

the narrative setup is also about asking “how far are you willing to go?” until the answer is finally “not this far.  not this far”

and once he reaches that point, he has to reevaluate everything about how he weighs his priorities and morals and plans, etc

(i also like that emma has a perpendicular arc in which she’s always the one tempering julian and telling him “no we can’t go that far” until she’s willing to do something horrific that he absolutely won’t and HE has to stop HER. very sexy)

it’s also just really nice to have a character who’s learned to relate so well to literally every single member of his family while still having a very detached ruthless interior consciousness. i have similar feelings about how adam teaches himself to love people, but with julian it’s spelled out more explicitly in canon & it’s a more central character theme

i’m sure i’m also forgetting stuff here but this post is long enough so i’m gonna say good enough

and like i said in the tags on my other post, there are things i’d personally write differently if it were my story - plot points i’d shift, character contrasts i’d up, themes i’d explore differently, pacing i’d adjust, etc.  i have plenty of ways i could be nitpicky and editorial about the effectiveness of julian’s arc.  but i also don’t feel like writing them out at the moment & none of my critiques on effectiveness have an impact on the core appeal of his character 2 me.  he’s so fucking good

[thedeadflag]

I’m so confused! I know it’s not your responsibility to educate me but in your post bringing awareness to the negative aspects of g!p fanfic you say

“Why do these g!p characters rarely if ever involve experiences reflective of trans/intersex women? Why are they so utterly cis and perisex-washed? Why do nearly all writers have zero idea that tucking is a thing? “

Doesn’t that answer your original question? The reason they don’t reflect those groups of ppl is bc g!p isn’t trying to represent those groups of people or else it WOULD be transphobic to limit them to one specific fetish right? it just refers to a canonically female character with the addition of a penis (I don’t argue the name “g!p” should be changed bc that’s a no brainer why that could be offensive). But the fanfic in general, how could it be harmful? I’ve noticed in my time reading it as a non binary person it’s given me great gender euphoria reading a reader insert where reader has a penis while being a femme representing person just bc that’s a reflection of my personal experience. I don’t see anywhere where g!p fanfic ever references or tries to emulate the experiences of trans or intersex people so how could it be offensive?

Sorry this is way too long I’m just very confused

I'm going to try and lay this out as politely as I can. It's after 3:30 in the morning here, so this could be a bit disjointed and rambling. More under the cut:

In real life, ~99.999999% of women with penises are trans women. Which puts us in a tricky situation of (A) being the only women with penises around for media involving women with penises to reflect back on, and (B) being in the lovely position of precious few people actually having had meaningful real life exposure to trans women, meaning (C.) all those stigmas and all that misinformation are going to purely affect us and it’s going to be uncritically gobbled up by the masses, since they don’t have any meaningful information to fill in the blanks with instead.

When we peer into the depths of femslash fandoms and see all these folks who aren't trans women writing about women with penises, and using cis women’s bodies as platforms for these penises, it’s the simplest thing.

I mean, some of those folks might actually be struggling and confused about why they’re into it, what the real appeal is, why they get off on it, why they might have some feelings about wanting a penis of their own…

…but from our vantage point, it’s really easy to gauge 99.99% of the time. We can generally see valid, legitimate yearning to have a penis pretty damn easily in a piece of art/writing, and we can also see when people who create this media are just hung up on a boatload of baggage and fetishization.

And 99.9% of the time, the creators are just hung up on a boatload of baggage and fetishization, and see trans women’s bodies as a perfect vehicle to tap into that, generally due to deeply held cissexist views that link us and our bodies and genitals directly to cis men, to maleness. As if penises are rooted in maleness and masculinity (which is absolutely not true).

And I have sympathy for NB folks (certainly TME ones who have reached out to me in the past about this) who might be struggling with that, but just because they’re non-binary, it doesn’t mean they get to appropriate our bodies and reproduce transmisogyny and trans fetishization in their attempts at feeling better. Shit doesn't work like that.

Because again, the only women with penises in this world, essentially, are trans women. Meaning any woman with a penis in media is a trans woman, implicitly or explicitly. Meaning that when people who aren’t us want to write us, intent doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter if it’s just the writer’s fantasy, it’s still going to attach a variety of messages directly onto us.

And more often than not, due to cissexism, those messages are linking us to maleness, to toxic masculinity, etc..

While I do want to believe they're a fairly small minority, a lot of NB folks in fandom spaces like g!p characters in part because they see penises as male and the rest of the body as female and think that duality is interesting and would be comfortable, and is a nice balance of “both worlds” or a nice position “between male and female”, but that’s a wholly cissexist, transmisogynistic view to have, and it’s one that absolutely cannot be supported without directing sexual violence against trans women and invalidating our entire existence. Certainly not all NB folks into g!p like it for that reason, but holy shit a fair bit of them do and it’s weird and wrong and fetishistic.

g!p emerged from the idea that women can't have penises, and drew on the transmisogyny and cissexism of tr*nny porn to structure that frame of desire and the core patterns and trends within these works. It's always been trans women's bodies being used as a vehicle, whether or not the writers of these fics are explicitly aware of it, because the trope itself still holds true to its original patterns and cissexism. It's not the name that's the problem, it's the content; changing the name would be a surface level change that wouldn't affect anything.

g!p objectifies women with penises (trans women). A woman with a penis is more than just a woman with a penis, but the use of the term and trope is literally to (A) remind people that women don't have penises, otherwise the g!p term wouldn't be needed if people actually accepted women with penises as women, and that (B) this is a story centered on a scenario where there's a woman with a penis, with key focus on that genitalia specifically. it's the drawing point, it's the lure, it's what everything is centered on. It is a means for folks to write lesbian sex while also writing about penis in vagina and getting off to it. It's also no surprise that the penises so clearly emulate cis men's penises in these works, that is by design.

As I’ve said many times before, if you’re only writing trans women’s bodies to showcase cis men’s penises, you’re not respecting the womanhood of trans women, and this ultimately has nothing inherent to do with penis-owning women, it has to do with (cis) men and their penises, because trans women are just being used as a vehicle to emulate them. When NB folks do the same thing, and imagining themselves as those g!p characters, they are ultimately embodying cis men, their maleness, and often toxic masculinity, in a way that feels safe and distanced enough for them, a shell that they often code as cisnormative due to their own unprocessed cissexism.

And trans women don’t deserve that.

You seem caught in the idea that if something doesn't directly perfectly reflect trans women, that it can't be linked to us., which ignores the long long history of media being used to misrepresent marginalized peoples and cast us in insulting, dehumanizing lights. You show a lack of understanding of the g!p trope and the long history of its usage across a few other names, even if the content and patterns remained the same. It shows a lack of understanding of tr*nny porn and transmisogynistic stigmas, which the trope draws heavily from.

I think we can all recognize that most 'lesbian' prn that's made does not represent actual lesbians, it's overwhelmingly catered to the male gaze. We can also recognize that this category of porn has led to a lot of harassment towards lesbians from cis men who at the very least want to believe lesbians are just like they are in the porn he watches, that lesbians just need the right man. Lesbians are being used as a vehicle for a fantasy that was created externally to them, and doesn't represent their realities.

It's the same kind of situation here. The way g!p fics play out overwhelmingly doesn't reflect trans women's realities, but they are inherently linked to us regardless, as we're the vehicles for those fantasies, as unrealistic and harmful as they may be.

g!p characters are built in our fetishized image that’s based on a deeply cissexist misunderstanding of us, of the gender binary, and of bodies in general.

I mean, when 99% of cis folks don’t understand how trans women tend to be sexually intimate… when they don’t understand what dysphoria is and how it works and how it can affect us physically and emotionally…when they don’t understand almost any of our lived experiences…then they’re not going to be able to accurately portray us even if they wanted to.

And I’ve read enough g!p fics where authors wrote those as a means of trying to add trans rep, but because they didn’t understand us at all, it wasn’t remotely representative, and it was ultimately fetishistic, even if there was an undercurrent of sympathy and a lack of following certain common g!p patterns there that differentiated it from the norm.

If g!p fics were at all about reducing dysphoria or finding euphoria, then it wouldn’t be explicitly tied up in the performance of very specific sex acts, very specific forms of misogyny and toxic masculinity, very specific forms of sexual violence and exertion of sexual power, etc.

But it is.

So the notion that creating g!p fics helps NB folks? Nope. It CAN certainly prevent/delay those folks from facing a whole boatload of shit they’ve internalized, and coddle them at the expense of trans women.

Because if it was really about bodies and dysphoria/euphoria, there would be a considerable push (allying with out own) to end our fetishization and to represent us in and out of sexual contexts with accuracy, respect, and care. Because they wouldn’t care what sex acts were performed and what smut beats were hit, they’d just want to see someone with a body like their ideal being loved, being sexual, connecting, being authentic, etc. Which very much is not the case in the overwhelming majority of g!p fics. That's what we want, and it's not what g!p writers want, it's nothing they give a shit about.

Like, a ways back I started doing random pulls of g!p fics from various fandoms and assessing them for certain elements to provide some quantitative clarity. I started on The 100 here, and did OuaT here. Never finished the 100 one since the results leveled out and stayed pretty consistent as the sample size grew, so I didn't really see the point in continuing any further after about 140 fics when the data wasn't really changing much at all.

Lastly, media influences people. I've read countless posts and comments from people who use fanfiction as a sex ed guide, in essence. Which is ridiculous, but I also know sex ed curricula often isn't very accurate or extensive in a lot of areas, so people take what they can get. Representation in media can be powerful, and when it overwhelmingly misrepresents people, that's also powerful. Just because fandom is a bit smaller than televised media, it doesn't make that impact any lesser, certainly not for those whose primary media intake is within fandom.

Virtually all trans representation in f/f fanfiction is misrepresentative of us. That has a cost in how people understand us, how people react to us, and how people treat us. Not just online, but in physical spaces, and in intimate settings.

I invite you to read that post you referenced again, or perhaps this longer one which is a response to a trans guy who seemed to feel something similar to you with this trope.

All I can do is lay it out there and try to explain this. It's up to you how you handle this. All I know is whenever there's a big surge in g!p in a fandom, trans women generally leave it en masse, because it's a very clear and consistent message that we're not valued, respected, and that people value getting off on us over finding community with us.

[ijustwant2write]

Confidence-Bucky Barnes x Powers!Reader

(GIF credit to @sunoficarus​)

Requested by anonymous: ‘Hello there angel! I've been reading your cute imagines lately and they really warmed my heart and got me out of depression cloud! so i tried to be brave and request something bcs i'm usually shy ><~ can i request a Bucky Barnes x Reader oneshot, the reader is kinda a chubby avenger and she has feelings for him but she gets sad bcs she thinks he'll never fall for someone like her bcs sh's not like the other pretty female avengers annnddd.. yeah! XD~♡’

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Reader, Natasha Romanoff x Reader (platonic)

Meanings: (Y/N)=Your name     

Replication=Being able to make a copy of yourself, biological cloning, or the splitting of the body into multiples

Warnings: Insecurity, negative talk about weight/image, sad/crying reader, fluff

                                          *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Opening the fridge, I took out a water bottle, instantly opening it before taking a big swig. We had come back from a mission early afternoon, the team had been away for just over a week, so it was good to be back. Even though I had showered, eaten and unpacked, I still had an immense thirst in me.

"Hey, I'm making toast, you want some?" Natasha asked as she walked in.

"No, I've eaten thank you." I replied, sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar.

As she began making her food, she continued talking."You OK after the last week?"

"Yeah, just tired. The longest mission I've done is four days, it's amazing what a few more days can do to you."

"You were great out there, a real natural. Your powers are much more controlled than they used to be."

"Thanks, it's all down to the training I guess."

"And your confidence."

"Really?"

Nat placed three pieces of bread into the toaster, turning around to face me once the lever was pushed down."Yes! It wasn't like you were extremely shy when you first came, but there's a difference in you."

If only I was this confident around someone else.

“You gonna head up early tonight?” Nat asked.

“Definitely. The last time I used my powers like that was when you guys first brought me in. And that was when I didn’t have as much control over them. I think it’s a good idea, we all need the rest.”

“So am I. Actually, Dr Cho wanted to see you. She said something really medical and science-y to explain why but I made no sense to me. Something about your cells splitting...or recreating?"

"Oh, she did mention that before we left. Think she's trying to help me connect more with my replicas, so that I can confuse whoever we're attacking even more. Thanks for telling me."

She nodded, turning around once the toast popped up. I said goodbye, scrolling on my phone as I made my way to Dr Cho's lab. My power to basically clone multiple versions of myself seemed useless at first, until I figured out how to control them and thought about tactics they were useful in. It was very strategic, everything had to be carefully planned. But now that I was getting used to it, everything seemed like second nature. And I had the team to thank for that. 

"Hey (Y/N), thanks for coming by." Helen greeted as I walked into her lab, holding her tablet as she usually did. 

"Hi. So, am I being wired up to a machine today?" 

She smiled."No, nothing like that. Tony and I have been working together on something that will ensure you can keep track of all your replicas."

Helen turned her back to me, grabbing a tray with what looked like four silver bracelets. She gestured for me to stand by her as she placed the tray on the table in front of us. 

"These are your new accessories." she started, picking up a pair."You'll wear them when on missions, and these will be able to connect you to any replicas you create. It's just to help you keep a better track. And any time they are hurt in anyway, the energy from the hit will drive into your bracelet." 

"Like T'Challa's armour?" 

Helen nodded."But instead of propelling back that energy, it'll just mean your replica can hold the energy and use it as a shield. Say someone was stood behind it and the enemy attacked the replica, the real person behind them would be safe." 

"That's amazing!" 

She held out her hand, wanting me to give her my wrist. I complied, letting her put the bracelets on me. They glowed blue before returning to the silver colour, feeling weightless on me. 

"They're able to become translucent depending on what uniform you're wearing. That way they won't be able to differentiate you from your replicas."

"Wow, thank you." 

"Don't thank me just yet. We still need to trial them. I definitely need Tony for this, just to make sure he's happy with them." 

"I think he's gone to rest right now." 

With a cheeky grin, she said,"Don't worry, he won't mind, this is important." 

Helen left me by myself, and I felt slightly awkward around all of the expensive and confusing technology that surrounded me. A thought flashed in my mind to try out the bracelets, but I decided against it, not wanting to risk anything going wrong. Slipping them off and placing them back on the table, I caught myself in the reflection of the windows. My hands subconsciously moved to my stomach, brushing against it before grabbing the skin; they traced upwards to my forearms, repeating my actions despite my brain screaming that I shouldn't. It grossed me out every time, why would I want to touch those parts of me? 

Turning to look at myself side on, I sighed at how stomach looked, almost wincing as my gaze travelled down to my thighs. All that training, the healthy meals I ate, where were the results? Why didn't I look like Natasha or Wanda? I battled with my conscious everyday over this. The tiniest part of it begged me to not look at myself that way, not to throw my hard work away or belittle myself over such a thing; but that was an extremely rare thing to happen, and that voice was hard to hear. The voice that spoke much too often had something completely different to say. It would force me to look at myself whenever I passed anything reflective, to make sure I looked decent, although I never did. It wanted to point out my flaws, it wanted to make me aware and punish me for looking like this,despite all the hard work I put into training. And training had never been about losing weight, it was purely strengthening, learning how to fight/defend myself as well as keep up with my stamina. 

Taking a deep breath in, I faced myself properly, squeezing my hands in and out of fists as I replicated myself, scanning my eyes over every single version of me. There were seven of me altogether, three replicas on either side of me, and I wondered why I even thought about doing this to myself. I made each replica turn more than the other, meaning I was looking at myself at every angle, and I hated all of them. It wasn't fair. Why was my power to make copies of myself when I didn't even like the one, true version of me? 

"(Y/N)?" someone startled me, my replicas instantly disappearing. 

Whipping around as my concentration broke, my face broke out into a blush as I saw Bucky standing in the doorway. It just had to be him, why couldn't it have been anyone else? 

"Y-yes?" I stuttered, immediately breaking eye contact. 

"Sorry, I needed to speak to Dr Cho." 

"Sh-she, uh, she just left, a-actually." 

"OK, I'll come by later." I glanced up, seeing him move to leave before turning back to me."You sure you're alright?" 

I nodded."Mhm."

He slowly nodded, but mostly to himself."Good job this week by the way, you were great." 

I hated how hot I was feeling after the compliment, even when he was gone I felt embarrassed by myself. Did he see me looking at myself like that? He must have thought I was an absolute weirdo for doing such a thing! 

Helen reappeared, a yawning Tony following in behind her."Right, this shouldn't take too long-" 

"I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this right now." I blurted out."I’m really tired and I want to make sure that the results are accurate." 

They were taken back by my snappy tone, slowly nodding as I refrained from bolting out of the room. Brushing past them, my hands instantly wrapped around my torso, making a beeline towards the elevator. My breaths were sort and sharp as I hit the button, fingers poking into my sides as I crossed them again. Why wasn’t I toned? Why was I able to grab so much skin? Once I was out of the elevator, I picked up the pace towards my room, resisting slamming the door to not gain any more attention. Grabbing the throw at the end of my bed, I threw it over the mirror, making sure I could not see any part of myself before I collapsed onto my bed, covering myself with the bed sheets.

Silent sobs ran through me as I gripped onto the sheets that were bunched up around me. I hated my mind, I hated how I looked, I hated how I could never be at peace with how I looked. Sleep would come to me late tonight, but only once I exhausted myself from crying. And I hoped that I would not dream tonight. 

Waking up, I felt how dry my moth and lips were, and also where the tears had stained my cheeks, as well as my pillow. My neck was aching from the position I had fallen asleep in, it felt worse as I pushed myself up into a sitting position. Rubbing my eyes, I coughed to clear my throat, definitely needing water after I felt how hoarse it was. Although it would have been so much easier to stay holed up in my room all day, avoid questions from everyone (even making small talk could reveal how I was really feeling), staying here would cause more fuss than needed.

"Good morning Miss (Y/L/N)." Vision greeted as I walked the halls.

"Morning." I mustered up the best smile.

"I hope I am not coming across as rude or interfering, but are you alright?"

I nodded, hiding my panic."Yeah, just a little tired from the mission. And I think overwhelmed, it's been my longest one yet."

"That is understandable. Though I am sure the experience will serve you well in future missions, especially with your stamina."

"Yep, hopefully."

Vision hadn't done anything wrong, he was being a good friend. But my mind wondered whether anything had been said about me. Did I look bad? Did I look exhausted? Why did he mention stamina? He could have just left that part out. I engaged with more small talk as we made our way down to the kitchen (Vision liked to be part of an everyday routine), though part of me wished that I was alone again.

"Ah, morning Mr Barnes." Vision said as we walked in, and I instantly cringed.

"Morning." Bucky mumbled, sending a small smile our way, but I quickly looked elsewhere. He was finishing a bowl of cereal as he sat at the kitchen island.

"Miss (Y/L/N), could I tempt you with a fully cooked breakfast? Something that is full of nutrition but still quite enjoyable? I believe it would help with your recovery." Vision offered.

"Oh, that's very kind Vis." I quietly said."But I'll just stick to coffee for now."

"You sure? I wouldn't pass up that opportunity." Bucky added.

I could only muster,"Mhm." before focusing on the coffee machine in front of me.

"Well, the offer stands if you wish for it." Vision said, and I could tell I had upset him.

He said his goodbyes to us as he left, leaving me alone with Bucky. Keeping my back to him, I played with the end of my sleeves, coming up with normal answers that I could say if Bucky started asking questions. I knew that even with backup answers, I wouldn't be able to speak properly to him, my mind would go blank.

"You should have something to eat really. At least an apple or something." Bucky said.

"I'll have one once I've woken up more. Don't feel like eating just yet, think I'm overtired."

"Just make sure you're looking after yourself."

I poured out the coffee into a mug, prepared to leave when I caught Bucky looking at me. My demeanour became smaller, shy, more withdrawn.

"What were you doing the other day? In the lab?"

"I...was testing out a new gadget Tony and Dr Cho created for me."

"(Y/N), I don't want to make assumptions-"

"Then believe what I say. Why would I be lying?"

He looked shocked."I didn't say anything like that."

My eyes cast down, panic setting into my mind, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. Forgetting about my coffee, I gave myself no other choice than to run away from any confrontation. I thought that would be the end of it, it usually was, but I heard footsteps behind me, heavy ones, belonging to Bucky. At first, I kept going, hoping he was just going to call out to me before giving up, but again, I was wrong. 

“(Y/N), please!” Bucky pleaded.

Not knowing where to go made me falter, it was only for a split second, that was enough time for Bucky to open a door and drag me inside. Breaking away from him, I sighed when I realised we were in an old conference room; it was empty now, no furniture or screens, it was currently being upgraded and renovated. However, that also meant no one would have any intention of walking in, meaning we were very likely to not be interrupted. 

“Bucky, I don’t want to talk about this.” I rushed out.

“So there is something wrong!” he exclaimed, but kept his tone calm.

“It doesn’t concern you.”

“You’re my friend, my teammate (Y/N), I care about you.”

“Fine! You want to know what’s wrong? I’m surrounded by images of strong, fit people, who I work just as hard as, yet I never look like them! I train and train and train, but for some cruel reason, my body never changes. Sure, I’ve slimmed down slightly since I arrived here, but it’s not enough for me. I’ve been called a superhero, I fight alongside all of you with your slim physiques, huge muscles and beautiful faces; so when I see a picture, or news footage of us fighting, I look like the odd one out, the huge odd one out. I don’t look right standing beside any of you, even an agent from S.H.I.E.L.D.”

Bucky didn’t say anything. His mouth was slightly open, eyes squinted and eyebrows furrowed as he continued staring at me. I scoffed, facing away from him.

“Now you’re seeing it. Or at least your thoughts about me are confirmed. I understand. I know you guys are my friends, you don’t care what I look like. But you must look at me in the line up and think I look out of place.”

“(Y/N), I could never look at you, or think of you in that way.”

“You don’t have to pity me-”

“I’m not. (Y/N), you don’t realise how beautiful you are.”

I glanced over my shoulder, shocked by his sentence.“Don’t do this to make me feel better, because it doesn’t work.”

He took a step closer to me.“How long have you been holding this in for?”

“I’m a woman who’s been bigger than everyone else around me my entire life, and I also have powers which made me a freak before people realised I could save them. So, basically my whole life.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why would anyone in my position want to speak up about this? You didn’t say anything when your nightmares came back.”

I saw that throw him off.

“I’m sorry Bucky, I didn’t mean to...to mention it, or-”

“No, you’re right. I know what it feels like to keep something to yourself. You don’t want to burden anyone around you, especially the ones you love. You think it’s not that important, that you can handle it by yourself, or you can ignore it until it goes away. But that’s not the right way to handle things. I can see that, looking back on everything.”

“But your nightmares were worth talking about. They scarred you, reminded you of that awful past. I’m a stupid girl crying over weight that can easily be shifted if I just work harder.”

“You would work yourself to death if you did that. (Y/N), I see you everyday training hard, making sure your powers are being improved everyday, going over tactics you can use by yourself or with the team. Everyday you ensure you are at your best because you want to help people out there that can’t defend themselves. If people judge you on how you look instead of your actions, they’re not even worth thinking about.”

Letting my arms drop to my sides, I faced Bucky, gathering enough courage to look him in the eyes.“Thanks Bucky.”

“(Y/N) I mean it. I’m not saying this to just be nice. You matter to me.”

“I know-”

“No, you don’t. I...I really like you (Y/N). And I know you may not see me in the same way, but you’re such a caring, powerful and hard working person. We come back from a mission, and you could be carried out on a stretcher but you still keep positive and make sure everyone else is safe before yourself. I’m telling you this because...well it just feels right. I’m also not making this up because you need validation from a man to make you feel better about yourself. You should be able to look at yourself in the mirror and love what you see, no matter what you look like.”

My chin was trembling as my lips pursed, trying to hold back my tears. Shaky breath escaped my nostrils, and as Bucky kept looking at me with those nurturing, safe eyes, I broke. No one had ever said something like that to me. I could tell he meant it. He wouldn’t be putting all this effort into this if he just wanted to be a good friend.

“Do...do you really mean it?” my voice wobbled.

He smiled.“Yes.”

Bucky wrapped his arms around me tenderly, pulling me into his chest. Surprisingly, my instincts made me quickly copy, gripping onto his t-shirt as I started sobbing. My mind was confused. One minute I was absolutely hating myself, then I had covered up my sadness, panicking because someone was about to see me break, and here I was, letting it all out in front of him. But I didn’t feel embarrassed like I thought I would. It felt amazing to feel that dragging weight on my shoulders suddenly lift away, the comfort of someone else was welcoming. 

“Th-thank you Bucky.” I sniffed.“I’ve always thought that I need to keep this sort of thing to myself. I’ve been terrified to even be sad, even though I know it’s OK to be sad, but for some reason, my mind would never let me. It’s been building up inside of me, I’ve never been able to express myself properly.”

“We’re here for you, I’m here for you. I’ll always be here to listen...and you tell you how beautiful you are every time I see you.”

I giggled as I pulled away, wiping my cheeks.“You don’t have to do that.”

“I do. I want to.”

“Thank you Bucky, I really appreciate your help.”

He kissed my forehead.“I’ll always be here.”

[thedreadvampy]

Hey Ruth! I noticed you've talked in the past about asexuality in quite a negative manner. As an ace-person (who has received backlash for it) I was wondering: do you still uphold these opinions?

Hey! I have in the past said I don’t really...like people popping up in my ask box asking me My Opinion On Asexuality, but I do appreciate you asking me as someone I kinda know and with your face turned on, so I’m gonna aim to answer in the macro. Though I mean it depends on what the opinions...are? I have had a lot of opinions over the time I’ve had this blog and I don’t necessarily know what all of them were or which ones have concerned you. I can give you a top-level view of how I see my views, though (however, since I have been largely holding off on answering this kind of ask for Literally A Year Now this is less an answer to your specific question and more an answer to the last year of asks)

(also if I get dogpiled in my inbox for Having Bad Asexuality Opinions which I do every time I talk about asexuality regardless of what I actually say then. my phone is broken I won’t know about it :) so I feel untouchable)

I don’t think I hold a negative opinion of asexuality as an identity (I say I don’t think bc we all have blind spots)? I have a lot of very important people in my life who are asexual, aromantic or aroace and. I mean it feels pretty condescending to say ~uwu it’s valid~ bc like. ace and aro people don’t really need my input to validate their identity. but a) it seems like a pretty accurate way to describe their experience and b) I know a lot of them have had a really huge boost from finding a name and community to fit their experience and have found that really helpful, and I’ve seen that make a huge difference in people’s lives and I’m really happy to watch my friends come to understand themselves and feel comfortable and accepted in a part of themselves they had felt really alienated or stigmatised by. In a broader sense, I think there’s huge value in decentralising romance and sex in our assumptions of What Human Happiness Means and for some people that’s not the most important thing, and for some it’s just not interesting. 

So like. I find it difficult to really express these opinions in any meaningful way because my opinion on asexuals and aromantics is much like my opinion on trans people or idk like people of colour. like very obviously those people exist and very obviously those people don’t deserve to be marginalised or stigmatised but it would feel. weird and performative to just make a post saying like “Asexuality Is Good And Valid, I Am Pro It” bc again like. who needs my permission or cares about my opinion. it’s not a Good Thing To Do it’s just. a thing you are that shouldn’t be treated as a bad thing.

however. and I suspect that this is what you’re referring to. while I love and appreciate ace and aro people, I think building communities and active support for ace and aro people is valuable and needed and, as above, I think Asexuality Is Good And Valid I Am Pro It, I do take some issue with elements of how discussions around asexuality are framed online (pretty much only online, I really haven’t run into the kind of black-and-white thinking in in-person queer spaces) 

and I also. think there are some issues with people extrapolating their experience of their own sexuality onto the world in a way which. I’m just going to say a lot of the time when I talk about The Ace Discourse in a negative way it’s around people assuming that the world is split into a binary between ace and allo people, or assuming that only aspec people experience a nuanced or complex or fluid relationship to their sexuality while pigeonholing allosexuality into a pretty flat image of sex and romance focus. and I have always felt like this does a massive disservice not just to people who don’t identify with aspec labels, but also to the general hope that we could work against the expectation that there’s a Standard Amount To Value Sex/Romance - I think that the assumption that there are aspec people and then Everyone Else Has The Normal Type and Level of Attraction just. reinforces the idea that there’s a “Normal” type and level of attraction. which is ultimately pretty self-defeating and also just. observably untrue. 

and this division of the world into Aspec People and Allo People also has some other weird knockon effects - I don’t think there’s anything intrinsically wrong with identities like gray ace or demi or other aspec labels beyond asexual and aromantic, but I do think that the way those labels are used is often. unhelpful. and they’re defined in such personal, subjective ways that you get weirdnesses sometimes like people Diagnosing Each Other With Demisexual or people saying ‘you can’t talk about this experience you share because it’s an Aspec Experience’ and again. there isn’t a concrete material experience there because the whole experience of romantic and sexual attraction, what that feels like and how sharply divisible it is is very, very personal and subjective. and everyone has different experiences of those and will name those experiences differently.

there’s also. historically a minority of Big Ace Blogs that kind of sneer at allosexuality or who would hijack posts about other issues to derail them to asexuality. but I don’t think they were ever representative of the community as a whole and I certainly think that inasmuch as those blogs remain around they’re a legacy of the Long-Ago (and a lot of them are trolls imo)

but there is. an issue I take that does seem to be more currently live which is the question of allo privilege. I think personally that framing all allosexuals/alloromantics as privileged over all aspec people on the basis of feeling sexual/romantic attraction is provably untrue in a world where people, particularly queer people, are actively oppressed and marginalised for expressing non-normative sexuality. it isn’t that I don’t think asexuality and aromanticism isn’t marginalised and stigmatised, because it visibly is, but it seems pretty reductive to boil it down to a binary yes/no privilege when both sexualisation and desexualisation are so actively tied into other forms of marginalisation (this is what I was trying to express in the argument about Martin a while ago - sex and sexuality are so often disincentivised for fat, queer, disabled and neuroatypical people that it doesn’t...feel like a reclamation that those tend to be the characters that get fanonised as ace where slim, straight, able-bodied and neurotypical characters aren’t. like it’s more complex than a binary privilege equation; sex and romance are incentivised and stigmatised differently at the intersection of oppressions and. for example. in a world where gay conversion therapy and religious oppression of gay and SGA people is so often focused specifically on celibacy and on punishing the act of sexual attraction, I don’t think it’s a reasonable framing to say that a gay allosexual man has privilege over an aroace man on the basis of his attraction) 

so those are like. things I would consider myself to feel actively negative about in online discourse (and again. in online discourse. not in how I relate to asexuality or aromanticism or aspec identities in general but in the framing and approaches people take towards discussing it in a very specific bubble).

but also. um. the main criticism I have of the online discourse culture of asexuality is that there are things I don’t have experience of that I have mentioned, when asked, that I don’t personally understand the meaning of but I don’t need to understand them to appreciate that they’re useful/meaningful to others. things like 

the difference between QPRs, asexual romantic relationships and close friendships

how you know the difference between romantic attraction and friendship

the distinction between sexual attraction and a desire to have sex with someone for another reason

and I hope I’ve generally been clear that this is. honest lack of understanding and not condemnation. I personally have a very muddled sense of attraction and often have difficulty identifying the specifics of any of my own emotional needs so like. it’s a closed book for me at the moment, how you would identify the fine distinctions between types of want when I’m still at step 1: identify That You Want Something Of Some Sort, Eventually, Through Trial And Error. but I think I’ve always been explicit that this isn’t a value judgement it’s just a gap in my own knowledge and yet. every single time I’ve said anything other than enthusiastic “yes I understand this and I love it and it’s good and valid” (and again. I have not gone out of my way to talk about it I have mostly only mentioned it because people keep asking me to talk about it) I have got a massive rush of anger and accusations of aphobia and “just shut up if you don’t know what you’re talking about but also answer my 30 questions to prove you think Correct Things about asexuality” and. I understand that this comes from a place of really unpleasant and aggressive backlash towards the ace community so it’s a sensitivity with a lot of people but like. it doesn’t seem proportional.

also I feel like ever since I hit like 700 followers my Tumblr life has been a constant cycle of people asking me Are You An Ace Inclusionist Are You An Exclus Are You An Aphobe Justify Your Opinion On Asexuality which. eventually yeah I’ve got pretty snippy about the whole thing. but you know. fuck it I’m just gonna lay it out and if you or anyone else is uncomfortable following me based on those opinions then I’m sorry to hear that and I will be sad to see you not want to engage with me any more but I also think that’s absolutely your prerogative. however I will not be taking questions at this time (and not just bc my phone’s broken) - demands for an argument about this Are Going To Be Ignored so if you want to go then go.

so like the big question I reckon is Do You Think Asexuality Is Queer and

yes. no. maybe. I don’t understand the question what does it mean for an identity to be queer? 

there are spaces and conversations where any form of aromanticism or asexuality makes sense as a relevant identity. talking about hegemonic expectations of normative romance. building community. combatting the idea that heterosexual missionary married sex between a man and a woman is the only rewarding or valuable form of relationship or intimacy.

there are spaces where I think heterosexual aros/heteromantic cis aces don’t. have a more meaningful or direct experience of the issues than allo cishets. because while being aro or ace or aspec has a direct impact on those people on a personal and relational level, disclosure is largely a choice, and the world at large sees them as straight. they don’t have the lived experience of being visibly nonconforming that SGA people and aroace people do. they may still be queer but there’s a lot of conversations where they bring a lot of the baggage of being Straight People (because. even if you’re ace or aro you can still be straight in your romantic or sexual attraction and if your relationships are all outwardly straight then you don’t necessarily have an intimate personal understanding of being marginalised from mainstream society by dint of your sexuality). this doesn’t make you Not Queer in the same way that being a bi person who’s only ever been in m/f relationships is still queer, but in both cases a) you don’t magically have a personal experience of societal oppression through the transitive properties of Being Queer and b) it’s really obnoxious to talk as if you’re The Most Oppressed when other people are trying to have a conversation about their lived experience of societal oppression. and they’re within their rights to say ‘we’re talking about the experience of being marginalised for same gender/non-heterosexual attraction and you’re straight, could you butt out?’)

(I very much object to the assumption coming from a lot of exclus that “cishet ace” is a term that can reasonably be applied to non-orientated aroace people though. het is not a default it really extremely doesn’t make sense to treat people who feel no attraction as Straight By Default. when I were a lad I feel like we mostly understood “asexual” to mean that identity - non-orientated aroace - and while I think it’s obvious that a lot of people do find value in using a more split-model because. well. some people are both gay/straight/bi and aro/ace, and it’s good that language reflects that. but I do think it’s left a gap in the language to simply refer to non-attracted people. this isn’t a criticism of anything in particular - there’s a constant balancing act in language between specificity and adaptability and sometimes a gain for one is a loss for the other)

some queer conversations and spaces just. aren’t built with aces in mind. and that isn’t a flaw. some spaces aren’t built with men in mind, but that doesn’t mean men can’t be queer. some conversations are about Black experiences of queerness but that doesn’t mean non-Black people can’t be queer. not all queer spaces will focus on ace needs but that doesn’t mean asexuality isn’t queer, or that queerness is opposed to aceness - sex, sexuality, romance and dating are all really important things to a lot of queer people, especially those whose sexuality and romantic relationships are often stigmatised or violently suppressed in wider society. there should be gay bars, hookup apps, gay and trans friendly sex education, making out at Pride, leather parades and topless dyke marches and porn made by and for queer people, romantic representation in media of young and old gay, bi and trans couples kissing and snuggling and getting married and saying sloppy romantic things. and there should be non-sexual queer spaces, there should be discussions around queerness that don’t suppose that a monogamous romantic relationship is what everyone’s fighting for, sex ed should be ace inclusive, etc. 

I think the whole question of inclusionism vs exclusionism is based on a weird underlying assumption that If An Identity Is Queer All Queer Spaces Should Directly Cater To That. like. aspec identities can be queer and it can be totally reasonable for there to be queer spaces that revolve around being sexual and romantic and there can be conversations it’s not appropriate or productive to centre asexuality and aspec experiences in and we can recognise that not all queer people do prioritise or have any interest in sex or romance. in the same way that there’s value in centring binary trans experiences sometimes and nonbinary experiences at other times but both of those conversations should recognise that neither binary or nonbinary gender identity is a Universal Queer Experience.

anyway that one probably isn’t one of the opinions you were asking about but I have been wanting to find a way to express it for a while so you’re getting it: the Ruth Thedreadvampy Inclusionism Take.

uh. it’s 1:30 on a work night so I have been typing too long. if there was an opinion you were specifically thinking of that I haven’t mentioned, chuck me another ask specifically pointing to what you want me to clarify my thinking on. sometimes I gotta be honest I’ve just been kind of careless in my framing (thinking of the Martin Fucks debacle where I spent ages insisting I didn’t say Martin couldn’t be aroace then read back like two days later and realised that I had said “he’s not aroace” bc I had written the post at 2am without proofreading and had meant to say “unless you think he’s aroace”) so I May Well Not Stand By Some Posts or might Stand By Them With Clarification

[rpbetter]

Is it okay to vent? I've been modding an rp group with friends and recently, I really haven't felt like things have been fair? Everything feels like it's swinging in favor towards a particular character of a person made recently mod and I hate it. It's also like there are several people very quiet in the group now and I've made like observations that might be concerning and brought it up, but no one seems to listen to me? I'm honestly just wishing I could care less right now bc while the original mod group was a group of friends, I'm struggling with feeling apart of it now and torn between going radio silence or forcing myself to expend effort more in hopes I'll actually feel like I have friends again.

Any time, Anon!

That is definitely an uncool situation right there, I'm sorry that's happening. If it makes you feel any better, I'm very sure that a lot of others understand too well what you're going through. I know I do! I wish I knew what the solid answer was to the entire, far too prevalent issue with RP groups failing for such reasons is, as well as this too frequently happening in any group of mods of anything, but I don't think there is just one answer that can be applied.

More specifically, though...to be painfully honest with you? The only thing here you can control is yourself. I know the suggestion should be a redundant and assumptive "have you tried talking to them more directly, you probably weren't direct enough" but lol you literally said you have brought this up and I don't feel like any number of times rehashing the way in which you've done so is going to make them listen. I'm not advising you to not try that, but I am advising you to not expect different results - only do that if it's going to help you move on. (Like, feeling a sense of well, I tried my best and they are not in a place to care, so, I'm done.)

I sincerely wish there was a way to just not feel things, not care about things, especially when you logically know it probably shouldn't dig at you as badly as it is! If anyone out there finds a secret to this, we're all dying to know, please share! But what you can do is slowly detach from the situation, and I think this might be best.

I know it was a friend group, I know how badly this hurts and how unfair it is...how it sort of changes the landscape of your RP time, too. I think, even if we do not consciously realize it, it's a goal most of us have to establish a good friend group we RP with, just like we establish friend groups in games. We feel so much more comfortable with this group of people we can enjoy all aspects of RP with, because let's face it, it can be a kind of odd thing to discuss with other people if they do not RP, even in a fandom. We also tend to develop our muses and our writing with our friends, naturally. So, achieving that only to lose it is tough, and it's tough no matter how many times it happens to you.

However, I really meant it when I said I don't think they're in a place to listen. Obviously, I'm not there in your RP group, I'm not seeing what is going on, I'm not hanging out with your friends (I mean? Probably? lol the RPC can be vast yet so tiny), but going off of what you've said and what I've experienced, that's really what I feel here. People have a simple tendency, in all group situations, to not be ready to see something as a problem until it's well past being easily addressed. Trying to force it into their field of vision is likely to make them angry and to see them more obstinately ignoring it.

Some reasons for that are not wanting to argue/fear of ruining things, genuinely being oblivious to the issue, enjoying the factors that are an issue for others, and favoritism. These are not things you can change. All you can do, as far as trying to address it again, is to figure out which of these/which combination is going on with the person in the group most likely to listen to you so that you can better talk to them. Whether you agree with them or not, understanding where someone is coming from is helpful to speaking with them. You can better phrase things so they're not triggering negative emotions.

For example, let's say you feel like it's a combination of this hypothetical one friend enjoying what is making others upset (let us say that this new member writes something with their muse they enjoy) and that it's become favoritism because of this and/or other factors (they're the one who brought them into the group, they were already a friend). Okay, so, now you have an idea of what you can say that won't prod at any feelings of accusation, jealousy, or even their own guilt.

Instead of: "Listen, I know x is your favorite person and you will always choose them over everyone else, but this is a real problem and I need you to hear me about it."

Try: "Hey, I'm needing to talk to you because I feel like this is such a serious issue. I've tried to discuss it with the entire group, but I've not been listened to and I know the group RP is as important to you as it is to me. I really enjoy x as well, they do y great and they're so z, but the way that the focus of the group has swung entirely to their character is a big problem for many in the group. If you've noticed, the activity of several others has dropped off. People feel they're not being listened to and that their characters and bits in the storyline aren't of equal importance anymore. What do you think we can do about this?"

Right out of the gate, you're expressing that you know they like this other person, but you don't dislike them or anything, you dislike what has happened in the situation. You've also given them the (correct) impression that this is endangering the RP, and that they are someone you feel is both interested and reasonable enough to want to fix the problem.

Again, do not expect that it's going to change anything, but if it'd make you feel better to try one more time, do it.

The problem so often with being a mod, even among a friend group who are also mods, is that moderators are very often set up only to act in the event of such extreme drama that the others won't want to deal with it. As a mod, you feel (again, correctly) that it's your job to...you know, moderate. That doesn't just mean disputes, it also means pre-dispute situations like this, among other things. However, the actual top moderator complaint is always that they're not listened to unless it's a problem that has kind of imploded the group. The kind of problem the rest of the group doesn't want to resolve for fear of seeming to play favorites or, frankly, fear of looking like a bitch. This is absolutely something that will put devastating cracks into the RP group, but since it isn't crumbling it rapidly yet...they'd probably rather that you just ignore it. Then, are rather likely to either drop the RP or want you to resolve it magically because you're the one who brought it up way back when it fixable.

So, we're back to "it's not a problem you can fix or control despite your position" yes.

And we can go back to what you can do to mitigate your own upset somewhat, also, yes. :D

There's this whole thing about ripping off the bandaid that just isn't applicable to all situations. (It isn't even applicable to all literal injury situations, damn.) This is one of them for a lot of people. Slowly distancing yourself so you can start putting energy into things that will return your investment of time, creativity, friendship might be better for you than just abruptly going radio silent, or even more drastically, leaving.

Don't engage with the group RP as often or in as timely a manner, be less of a presence there. It's difficult at first, but see, when you feel the drive to be there, you then use it for something else. If you have other RPs outside of this, reply to one of them instead. If you don't, start seeking out new partners/RPs instead. You have other RPs but they all owe you right now? Not a problem, do some character development. Whatever keeps you from spending as much time there.

As you do this, it's much easier to not be there. Just drop in to do what you have to. It becomes difficult, eventually, to be bothered to do so, I promise. A lot of other things you did not like that you were tolerating because these are your friends and this is something you enjoy, they'll become obnoxiously obvious. You know what else either will or won't? Them missing you being there.

If they do miss your presence and friendship, that's great! That's the best outcome. It might put into sharper perspective how bad the issue was, they might be more willing to address the problem now, make it a dedicated effort to not show that kind of attention to just one member's character/one member.

If they do not, then that does very much hurt. This is, unfortunately, how many friendships in the RPC decline. Not heated arguments, but rather, quiet inattention and replacement. If this happens, I'm so sorry, Anon. I can say all day long the total truth of the matter, that it wasn't the best group for friendship longevity and you can at least take the memories and lessons with you, but it won't stop it from stinging. However, because you have started to make other things your priority, it does lessen the upset.

Either way, this is a really frustrating situation! I think you've kind of answered what you need to do just in the phrasing here, "I'm struggling with feeling apart of it now and torn between going radio silence or forcing myself to expend effort more in hopes I'll actually feel like I have friends again." When we start feeling like have to force ourselves to expend more effort out of desperation to feel friendship like we once did, that's not a situation we should stay in. Sometimes, we just need to vent about it and see it pointed out to us to realize it, you know? Because it is hard to lose our friends and comfort zones, even when they've soured.

Maybe trial run slow distancing, just responding to the people who also feel like they're being left out, perhaps? Until the situation improves or you feel like you can move on easier. Nothing about this is going to be painless, but you can at least insulate yourself a bit while leaving the ball visibly in their court - I expressed this was a problem, it was ignored and is an ongoing problem, so, I'm not as invested anymore and it is up to you now to stay on that track or demonstrate some changes.

I hope that whatever happens, it's good for you! Even if it feels awful for a while, I hope it's eventually great. Maybe it's the thing you need to find an even better group, you never know until happens! I also hope that my delay in response didn't make things worse for you, please know I've felt really guilty about it despite not being able to get online :| I know just being seen at the moment you're feeling so frustrated and down helps so much!

[wanderingcas]

hey so I saw you post a couple things about not wanting negative comments on your fics and I feel rly bad bc I think if you were vagueposting it may have been in response to the comment I left on your most recent chapter of ascend (I’ve since deleted it, though if it’s still in your inbox I’m sorry I can’t remove that as well). I did read it through before I hit submit, but after seeing what you said I went back, and can see how it could have been interpreted that way; I can tell my tone was just way off, especially for the platform. I’m autistic and have done a lot of work to improve my communication skills and convey appropriate tone, but I still bungle it up sometimes, and I’m sorry about that.

Things get messy on the internet for a variety of reasons, basic miscommunication being one, blurring of boundaries another, mismatch of expectations, etc etc; my intention was to be conversational, like wondering about a plot point not touched on, sandwiched between things I really liked about it. In retrospect I am seeing that even if that tone had been appropriately conveyed, that’s still a boundary you would prefer not to be crossed, particularly not in that setting uninvited.

Tumblr can add a layer of complexity bc of how friendly and informal and blunt so much of it is, and I think perhaps because I’ve read so much of your work and follow you here, it skewed the relationship baseline I was aiming from. For example, if I were talking to a friend about their work, I believe that tone would be less likely to cause hurt or offense, if that makes sense, or at least that has been my experience...though now that I’m thinking about it, still maybe not on a public comment platform! So again I am realizing the layers of my error here.

I’m not explaining to minimize your feelings or absolve myself of blame, but because by describing it this way I better understand what I did, where I went wrong, and how to improve going forward. I would rather be embarrassed and work through it than experience this social faux pas and be too ashamed to leave comments at all in the future. I can understand the position you have taken about not wanting negative comments, and I definitely get that you and all fic authors and other fanwork creators put in the time and effort and make yourselves vulnerable by sharing that effort for free, only hoping for some positive feedback in response.

Although I’ve definitely had good interactions with some authors over the years via comments and included some not-exclusively-positive feedback without issue, it’s wrong to assume that that is everyone’s stance. It’s absolutely every author’s prerogative to decide what types of comments to accept, and I mean that without judgment. As a non-neurotypical person (who often needs explicit statements of acceptable social behavior to adequately modulate my communication), this has reminded me that it is safer and kinder to assume that someone wants positive-only until otherwise demonstrated.

I apologize for any hurt caused by my inappropriate and badly phrased comment. Thank you for sharing your work, and for enforcing your boundary about what type of comment you’d prefer to accept.

hi, anon! just to clarify - are you the commenter that made a post about wanting more of Jack in the epilogue? Because i want to absolve you of some blame right now - I actually wasn't vagueposting toward you at all. I got really bad anon hate yesterday? two days ago? toward my fic (I deleted it, blocked the anon, and never posted it), as well as anons in the past - and I've also been seeing fellow writer friends go through some of the same issues. My post was less of a vague post necessarily and more of a general "let's review fandom etiquette" lol. Know that my post about that, and the subsequent discourse with that anon, was absolutely not directed at you.

When I got your comment I will admit it made me a little uncomfy - mostly because when I've gotten those comments in the past, they're layered with an added "this is what I wanted and you didn't do it so I'm angry and telling you about it", but that's not what you did in your comment - I understood where you were coming from, even if it did make me pause a bit. So i just want to let you know that you shouldn't feel shame or awkward or anything like that. I agree that tone and intention can get lost over the internet, and the relationship between reader and author can be tricky sometimes - particularly if you want to offer an opinion that might not be taken as completely positive? But it sounds like you are aware of that, and I do appreciate you taking the time to self-reflect.

And just as a quick note - in the past, there have been fics I've asked to get feedback on from readers - like La Hantise, for example, which I since deleted to rework as an original fic. I really wanted readers to point out what parts worked for them, and what parts didn't, and I specifically stated that in the author's notes on every chapter. Looking back, that may have been why our signals crossed got crossed, if you've been following my fics before. And usually I am pretty open to opinions in comments? But "ascend" in particularly has gotten some really entitled, really awful comments (again, not putting yours in that category!) so I've had to guard myself a bit with that fic. Maybe it's because it's a fix it fic, and everyone wants different things out of the finale to be fixed. Maybe it's because tensions are high. I dunno. Either way, i've had to build some walls around myself so i don't want to stop posting supernatural fic altogether lol.

So yeah, this is a messy way of saying - thank you for coming to apologize in case you needed to, but know the post wasn't about you. It was a general vent about the unwanted criticism and vitriol that some writers have been receiving lately on their fics. Like, really mean-spirited stuff lol. It wasn't my intention to make anyone paranoid, especially because comments on fics are great and lovely and I'm not about to drag anyone through the mud even if a comment made me a little sad, but I can tell their intentions are good. Usually in that case I just disengage and think about how to process it on my own end. <3

That all being said, i really really appreciate you taking the time to come to my inbox and say all this. You're one of the good ones, you really are. And people like you make me want to keep posting fic. Truly.

[zitkaplushie]

nightwing secret files liveblog:

this is gonna be a long one so it’s under a cut!

taking wing-

is that jason??

i like this 'a christmas carol' type exposition i'm ngl

i'm not sure if 'jason''s dismissal of the circus is dixon using an unreliable narrator, or if dixon actually believes that

god i hate this art so much

how dare u insult the teen titans in any way 😤 i like the name

also titans cameo!!

more awful jason characterisation (pls dixon just stay 8732894738 feet away from jason)

"without robin i have no family" i guess the titans are just chopped liver huh

"i always thought that one day i'd be batman" nope nope nope nope you have 0 understanding of dick's character if that's what you think mr dixon

i love clark having a part in dick becoming nightwing - i adore it - but the way dixon retcons the importance of the titans, and especially kory, in dick becoming nightwing rubs me the complete wrong way. i'm choosing to read this as a between the scenes moment, but i 100% dixon intended this to replace the titans' importance. and the way ppl just swallow it up w/o thinking about the reasons behind why dixon would want to erase the titans - and kory - pisses me off lmao

"i didn't mean to stay so long [with the titans]" *eternal screaming* he really wants to undermine the titans at every possible turn wow

at least the next page acknowledges the importance of kory in dick's life, but right afterwards we have "lmao she must've liked your costume. all the girls did. you're a chick magnet" (paraphrased) and i'm just back to sighing

also hi i'm mad at the framing of babs being the endgame bc of course they'd do that. and also at kory being shorter than dick. thanks! i hate it! i'm willing to bet that dixon asked for that specifically.

"this is where i came in" i'm confused at this part but tbh i don't care enough to think abt it any more

i'm also ughhhh at the way they're trying to give bludhaven importance. i don't care, i don't like it, he should've never moved there

ok i do really like that last page

the fact files things are good enough, i love the art for the haly's circus one! the pt barnum ref is 😬 though (ik ik it's the 90s but fjskdh why)

lost pages: teen titans-

ok so, i don't like devin grayson. i don't like her writing at all, i don't think she gets the characters at all, and hot take: if you dislike a character who's super important part of dick's life, and helped him come into his own and be who he is, you shouldn't be writing that character. (i'm talking about kory here, but tbh if you dislike any of the characters who dick interacts with frequently and are a huge part of his life - especially his love interests, and his family - you shouldn't be writing dick.) so i'm not going into this story with high hopes. however i've seen ppl talk about this story as being really good so i hope i'll like it too

you can tell she mostly cares about the fab five, which wouldn't be a problem if she treated the ntt characters better but alas ://

kory and vic both say 1 thing the entire page lmao

ALSO KORY NOT KNOWING WHAT DAY IT IS IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT I CANNOT BELIEVE

i loooove the parallel between dick grasping wally's hand and young!dick holding his dad's hand 🥺🥺🥺🥺

vic legit says one thing the entire story lmaoooooooo 🙃🙃🙃

i love garth and roy being brought to the tower 🥺

this is def some of grayson's better work, but it suffers from the same thing all of her stories do. she doesn't fully understand all the characters. if one character is off it affects the whole story. a lot of her stories have good ideas and poor execution, and this one definitely doesn't have awful execution but there's still something missing and as someone who loves the titans it's just sad. i get why people like this story - it made me tear up at the end ngl - but the rest of the titans are just as important as dick and it feels like the writer doesn't understand that. (i get this is a dick comic but it's still a titans story.) (it does however make me want to write a fic expanding upon this moment and the aftermath bc the idea of the titans all coming together to cheer dick up is so goooooood. are they gonna have a party celebrating dick's parent's lives? are they gonna eat junk food and watch a comfort movie? are they gonna just sit and talk?? the possibilities are endless!!)

the art is gorgeous as all of jimenez' art is, i love his style so freaking much!!

the next page is of the bludhaven supporting cast and all it does is remind me how much i do not care abt them. i think the only one i actually like is clancy, the others are expendable and forgettable. (i do love clancy a lot though, i wish she'd been written by more people than just dixon). though, i usually love guice's art, i think i actually prefer mcdaniel's take on clancy??? which is 100% a first for me.

i like seeing the set up to dick's apartment, bc i'm a sucker for layouts and maps. i wish this comic was way better written bc the concept of dick living in an apartment building and interacting with his neighbours is one i really like, esp in superhero comics. but again i have to say, alas.

a day in the life of nite-wing/hangin'-with tad:

painful... just painful...

i physically couldn't care less about this if you paid me

the next page is tad's file and i am Not Reading That. nope nope nope. and also fuck you.

next is a map of bludhaven, and like i said, i'm a sucker for maps.

the page after that is brutale's file and again i just do not care. the art is by damion scott who i really like, but the design looks like knock off scarecrow so

the next pages are files for double dare, lady vidc, shrike and blockbuster and i'm skipping them all bc i give negative fucks

next is a spread of what i assume is dick's cork-board? it looks kinda interesting but the writing is hard to make out and i don't care enough to try to decipher it

next is torque's files and same same, idc idc

nightwing's romances/orange you glad i didn't say banana?:

ok so y'all know i hate dickbabs. i hate everything about how it was built on the foundation of tearing down kory and dickkory and i'm a kory fan first and foremost so i hate this whole situation. so i'm already predisposed to disliking anything that talks about how babs is dick's true love, and talks down any of his other love interests. i come into this with an admitted bias. i'd try to be charitable but i don't see why i should when no one involved in the writing of dickbabs is charitable towards my faves so 🤷

i love love love stelfreeze's art! he's drawn babs in something else i read and i loved it then and i love it here!

i adore dick and babs' friendship, so the beginning is really sweet and cute. i also love the concept of baby!dickie being obsessed with watermelons and wanting to eat them forever

dewey decimal system!!! librarian babs reference!! fdjkh she's such a nerd i love it

babs trying to talk about romance and dick's like 'lol nah what abt fighting' lmao

i Do Not like babs hitting dick while talking abt 'i was segueing into talking about romance, hint hint'

this is romance? dick giving exactly 0 fucks?

why are these writers obsessed with hinting at dick and donna??? like first dixon and now grayson??? please stop!!!! i do love how he says he loves her bc 🥺🥺🥺 i love them

ur not being slick having babs call donna 'donna' and kory 'starfire', i see you grayson. i see ur hate for kory.

and reducing kory to just her body, and dick's sexual attraction to her boils my blood

i'm choosing to interpret babs's face in that panel as her being attracted to kory too

i do like that dick talks about being in love with kory, and thinking about still being with her. a) i'll take those crumbs, and b) thats how i see dick's relationship to love as being (though devin views him as kinda flighty and unfaithful so idk how we're agreeing on this lmao)

pls stop talking shit abt huntress devin, ur the one who made dick/hel a thing

since devin loves her brudick subtext, i'm side-eyeing the mention of bruce there

also why are we hinting at cass pls stop

babs being jealous and petty pls stop

the ending was smooth i have to admit it. if it was any other ship i'd probs love it but as it is, i'm tired of everyone else being downplayed in favour of the ~babs is dick's true loooooveee, it's always been herrrrr, from the beginningggggg~

i don't mind babs being dick's first crush though, in fact that's my hc for him because hello?? who wouldn't have a crush on babs??

thank you mr stelfreeze for accurately portraying babs' bitchface bc she's being a petty bitch here (and i love her but lmaooo i hate this whole thing)

next is the files on the bludhaven pd and i do not caaaare

then there's a timeline, but i don't care about any timeline that dixon writes. i'm petty though so i'm gonna read it and talk abt why i don't like the retcons.

i hate the dickbabs reference in YEAR FUCKING 3 jfc. pls stop with the retcons.

also lmao the difference between the way dick's canon relationship from that time is described in the shittiest way possible (though reluctant at first, dick begins a long and tumultuous romance with teammate starfire.) and how he wrote dick and babs' relationship (robin first teams with ... barbara in her guise as batgirl. the two will pair time and again over the course of their careers and develop a burgeoning affection for one another) this was at a time when they weren't even remotely interested in each other!!! there was no affections there dixon! no matter how much you wish it to be true!! and again the contrast with 'starfire' and 'barbara'! like it's dehumanising and i hate it.

and he can't even bother to get the new teen titans' team name right.

no mention of kory's importance in dick becoming nightwing, nope we ignore that bc it's thanks to superman now.

stepping away from the way he hates kory to talk about the way he hates jason! jason's described as a 'troubled orphan' and a 'juvenile delinquent'.

no mentions of how jason and dick bonded but as soon as tim gets introduced he talks about how dick and tim 'switfly bond as brothers'.

another incredibly impersonal description of dick and kory's relationship (the wedding of dick grayson and kory anders (aka starfire) is aborted by the rogue titan raven. dick and kory soon part company and dissolve their relationship.) but at least he calls her kory this time.

also i love how he speeds up through all the 'non important' development for dick but spends a whole page talking about all the bullshit he's been writing for nightwing. i understand why, but it's just lmaooooo 🙃 when you read it like that, it really shows how shitty this comic is.

talks of the 'doomed relationship' between dick and hel and i really hate it pls stop

the last page is dick's evaluation by the police academy and i do not care so i'm skipping it too.

[illfoandillfie]

Hey. I would like to get the How To Find Love reading. I've been bssically single all my life. I once was with a guy but I don't count this one as a relationship bc I didn't want it from the beginning and saw him only 2 times before I "broke up" with him 4 weeks later. The guys who show interest in my aren't my type. A good friend told me that I might be a bit intimidating (have a lot of respect) bc I seem to be a person who knows what she wants. I'm not the type for dating apps so that makes it more complicated. Hope that's enough of a description. 🙈 Thank you! 💜

here you go lovely!

Tarot cards: The Chariot, 3 of Swords, 5 of Cups, The Sun, King of Wands

Okay so the middle of the circle is Key Issues pertaining to your love life and here it’s represented by the 5 of cups. It’s a bit of a self-pity card. The person depicted on the card is looking at their 3 spilt cups but they have 2 still standing that they’re ignoring. It’s sort of like when you look back at a situation and think about what might have been if you’d done something different. It’s not necessarily harmful but it doesn’t exactly help you either, it means you’re more likely to miss things that are happening in your present because you’re so focused on the past.

On the left we have the 3 of Swords which represents behavioural patterns influencing your love life. You’re afraid of getting hurt so you’re not making as much of an effort as you could be. Totally understandable!! It is scary to put yourself out there or approach someone, especially if the only people you know have been interested in you are not people you want to be with. This might be contributing to the intimidating vibes you seem to be putting out because it is so much easier to scare people off then to risk letting them hurt you. This might be manifesting in automatically assuming people won’t be interested in you or creating/exaggerating incompatibilities as a way to prove you wouldn’t work well together. It might also be a constant cycle of delaying talking to someone until they leave or talk to someone else. And I don’t want this to sound like i’m saying you should settle for someone you aren’t attracted to!! Like absolutely have high standards for yourself! but also, next time you rule someone out without talking to them first, stop and think why. Are you deciding they wouldn’t be a good partner because you genuinely believe it, or is it fear of rejection/being hurt that is keeping you from making a move.

Then we go up to the top card which is areas you need to grow. Here you have The Chariot. The Chariot can refer to travel so it may be that seeing new places or having new experiences may be a way to grow and open yourself to love. But the Chariot can also refer to direction, control and willpower. It’s a card of determination and self-confidence and ambition. Those are what you need to work on, what you need to grow. Easier said than done, I know. But you do have it in you to direct and control your love life, to connect with people you want to connect with and find the experiences you want to have. It might just take some work to get there.

Next is areas you need to change. The Sun. The Sun is I’d say the most positive card in the deck. It’s about joy, success, positivity and celebration. You need to think more positively. Manifestation works both ways. If you put negative energy out into the world, you receive negative energy back. Think highly of yourself, tell yourself you deserve the best. Be optimistic about your situation and believe that the sort of love you want is coming. Fake it till you make it. Right now you’re getting bogged down in the what ifs and the maybes and the past, you’re focusing on your spilled cups. Turn your attention to what is good and the cups you still have left.

And finally, what you need to liberate/open yourself to. The King of Wands. Now, theres two ways we could take this card. Court cards are usually read as people so this king could be someone who will enter your life. If that’s the case they may be a little older than you and a fire sign (aries/leo/sagittarius). It might be that this person is a potential partner the universe is sending you and you need to be open to seeing them and connecting with them.

OR. The king could represent you. See, the king of wands is also about overcoming challenges. He’s a big picture sort of a guy, a leader. Completely in control. The wands suit is tied to fire and action and this king is master of both. Embrace that energy, be open to being in the drivers seat, to being an agent of change. You can control the situation.

I drew from two oracle decks for you, Spellcasting and Hedgewitch Botanical. 

From Spellcasting you got: Friendship / Trust / Closure

Friendship could be a sign that your friends will be able to help you find a romantic partner - perhaps one of your friends knows someone you might like or perhaps it’s more that it could be useful to have their opinion on potential love interests. It could also be a sign that love will start as friendship first - this may be a way to trick your brain into not thinking about getting hurt. Talk to them as if to become their friend and see what happens. 

Trust is calling you to trust not only others but also yourself. Trust that no everyone is out to hurt you, trust that you can be happy, trust that love will come. 

And Closure. When a door closes, a window opens. New opportunities are waiting for you but you need to make room for them. Clean out your negative thought patterns and fears to make way for more positive experiences. 

From the hedgewitch botantical deck you got: Cohosh - Repel / Foxglove - Connection / St. John’s Wort - Stabilize 

Repel relates to rejecting bad energy and negative thoughts/feelings. Definitely ties in with the Sun card above. Push away things that are holding you back or weighing you down. Dwelling on the negative is seldom helpful. 

The oracle meaning of Connection comes from many folklore tales that link foxglove flowers to fairies, magic and the unseen. Foxglove is also associated with the planet Venus which rules love and relationships. This may be a sign that a new potential connection is coming towards you. But it’s also about other connections - those with our friends or our communities or even different aspects of ourselves. Connections take work and require space and attention to flourish. 

And last but not least Stabilize. St John’s Wort has long been used as an antidepressant/mood stabilizer which is where the oracle meaning comes from. Stabilize refers to having a clear mind, focused thoughts and subdued emotions as you consider your situation.

[flamingo-strikes]

My Opinions on TXT

This is literally irrelevant to everyone but I wanted to get it out there anyways, like just write down my feelings. 

Firstly, I like TXT a lot, but there are things I don’t like about them. I understand they’re rookies so I’m looking forward to future comebacks and progression, but for now, I have mixed feelings on them.

Positives:

Their music fucking slaps. Honestly, I like the auto tune sound in every song, it’s pretty uncommon. Even if Crown was generic, nothing else in their discography is really generic tbh. It seems like they already have their own trademark sound established.

Even their more chill songs are so good? Like I usually gravitate towards more dance-ish songs, but my personal faves are 20cm, Nap of a Star, and Our Summer.

They have really intense choreographies, Jesus Christ. While I sometimes think they overdo it, I love that a lot. It makes each performance really dynamic, and they’re definitely strong in terms of dance. Probably one of the top dance rookies.

The boys are really likable! They seem really sweet and humble, and they’re pretty funny on their own. I like that they’re close in age, so their chemistry comes a bit more naturally, and they all seem really in tune with the general concept of youth.

Very talented group in terms of vocals. I’ve watched their MR removed videos, and damn, they’re really good. I like this emphasis on vocals; it’s not really common amongst rookies, who prefer to focus on raps and choreographies.

Actually, their concept in total is not common in rookie groups. The only reason people call them generic is because of their debut song, but they’ve proved by now, in my opinion, that they have a unique style.

Negatives:

I like the auto tune, but it’s also preventing me from distinguishing their voices. Like after hearing every song more than once, I still can’t make out who’s who. Only Yeonjun because his voice is super distinct.

I know the point of the group is that they’re all triple threats who can each sing, rap, and dance well...but honestly, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Typically in groups, it’s best to have members who excel in a particular area to gain attention. Like they have one incredible dancer, vocalist, rapper, etc. Ok this isn’t actually a negative but something I noticed.

They are heavily carried by their company, like BigHit really keeps them on a tight leash. Most of the wow factor in their performances comes from creative elements rather than the boys’ stage presence. I’m absolutely not diminishing their hard work at all, I know the boys are super talented and skilled. But they should have more opportunities to show it off and have stage charisma rather than be carried by their company and the creative team.

Oh Jesus, time to mention BTS...they’re definitely not similar to BTS, in terms of music and concept, lets get that straight. But I don’t think they will ever not be associated with BTS. At least in every one of the boys’ interviews or reality show, they mention BTS...I totally get that they love BTS, and respect them so much...but like maybe not link the group to BTS? Like if they want to stand out on their own.

This is NOT a “rookie thing” like everyone says it is. But TXT seems like they’re always “on” and bright and peppy. They often give of this vibe of looking and appearing perfect, to fit this standard of idol appearance that I guess their company decided on?? I have no idea. But I never get the sense that they’re totally relaxed. It’s weird; it’s like they’re a mix of mature and youthful. Tbh maybe it’s a recent rookie thing, bc I see the same thing with ITZY, except maybe worse.

Neutral:

Why is Beomgyu always styled like Taehyung? I mean, he looks good regardless but... I see the Daegu boys joke all the time, and it’s pretty accurate.

It’s pretty rare for me to see a boy group where the hyung line is more popular than the Maknae Line. And yet, the hyung Line is still always in the bottom for line distribution. Maybe it’s a bighit thing? You can’t seriously tell me that Taehyun and Huening Kai are way stronger vocalists than the others. Bruh, Yeonjun was first in singing as a trainee.

I prefer Beomgyu’s dancing over Yeonjun’s. He’s such a natural performer, and his movements are amazing. It’s crazy to think that he only started dancing as a trainee. Yeonjun has more of a cool, laid-back, swag style of dance, similar to Ryujin.

What’s funny is that when I first looked at the group (like 5 months into their debut bc I just wasn’t interested), Taehyun was the only one who caught my attention because I thought he was really handsome. Now my bias is Beomgyu (if you haven’t noticed already lol) and I don’t really have a bias wrecker.

[in-tua-deep]

With the deamon a. If you wanted to make a kinda Luther angsty thing. Fives deamon is observant right? So you could potentially have a scene with the other siblings teaming up to belittle andromeda/Luther and she seems to don’t be bugged by it but after the others leave her and Luther just kinda crumple into each other while fives deamon observers and reports to five? Sorry if I’m overstepping things

not an overstep at all!! blease send me any and all things about my aus bc i adore discussing them, even if I don’t respond for a while bc of my ask backlog oops

GOD Andromeda is like,, she tries to be so strong and regal because she wants to be just like Reginald’s daemon who is the very definition of grace, but she settled as this big muscular dog and she’s trying her best to be leader?? But Val hates her, Raph has drifted away, Rowan and her have never gotten along, Pancha vanished, Tamaya pretended she was dead for literal years, and Pollux and her have never had a relationship to speak of oof

So she would never break down in front of anyone - not like Luther breaks down. I mean, when they’re drunk and mourning their perceived relationship with their father, Andromeda is probably whining the whole time but that’s different

So yeah I think if everyone was being mean to her/Luther, when they left she would just quietly go to Luther and climb into his lap (and she’s a big dog, but he’s an even bigger human) and hook her head over his shoulder and basically let him/make him cling to her. The one comfort they were allowed in the house was each other when they were alone. When Luther needs the support, he had Andromeda leaning heavy against his leg, a constant presence and comfort

and Pancha isn’t required to stay by Five’s side, and they’re both damaged, and where Five expresses their trauma by pushing the others away and insisting on doing things for himself (to protect them as much as anything else, they fought against whatever caused the apocalypse and they died - he can’t risk that happening again), Pancha expresses their trauma by basically shadowing the siblings and trying to be as close as possible without actually just burrowing into their sides and pretending everything is okay (Five is okay with this, because it means that if his siblings are attacked or something happens to them, Pancha will radiate horror and fright down the bond and Five can spatial jump right to her side - a talent they have always had that is an extension of their powers)

and when Pancha is watching she keeps to the shadows out of habit (in the commission she never spoke, and was almost always out of sight - she hates the Handler with a ferocity born in fear and nurtured in the heart of a deep and simmering fury) and so yeah it’s not unlikely that she would see the way Luther and Andromeda act when everyone isn’t around

and Pancha is all fright and fury and explosive love for her family in one neat little package and she worked way too hard to get back to these losers to risk losing any of them now. I mentioned in previous posts that even though Five still insults his siblings, Pancha is suspiciously silent on the matter

well she breaks her silence when they all start insulting one another

she stands up on her legs and shows her sharp teeth and she dares the rest of the family to breathe another negative word in her earshot (and her hearing range is very good - those ears aren’t just for show) because yes, Luther doesn’t think and Andromeda is arrogant but they’re her siblings and she won’t stand for any insult towards them even if those insults come from the rest of her siblings

she especially won’t stand for any comments about Luther and Andromeda bringing up the moon. They were up there isolated from everyone but each other for four years. And yeah, maybe that’s not as much as forty years, but Pancha knows isolation like the back of her hand. She knows trauma.

and if they don’t listen to Pancha well,, there’s always Five who is usually content to allow Pancha to be the emotional part of their duo so that he doesn’t have to be but who is ABSOLUTELY willing to back up his daemon in anything and everything and also if Five says anything mean to Luther while Pancha is feeling sympathetic to him she WILL bite his ankles and Five knows this

Honestly I don’t talk about Pancha and Five’s relationship enough because it’s decidedly a bit odd for a daemon relationship in that it’s somehow simultaneously way closer (because for forty odd years they only had each other and so the get one another on a level that most people just,, don’t understand their daemons and somewhat distant (because Pancha never settled and because they’re fairly content with splitting up - though primarily because they’re aware they can spatial jump to one another’s side in an instant if they feel the other in distress)

They’re almost always on the same page but rarely show that they are, Pancha shows a lot more symptoms of Five’s trauma than he does because her expressing it allows him to suppress it better. They argue a lot between themselves, but it’s more bickering for the sake of bickering than it is actual arguing. They frequently communicate using feelings between themselves rather than actual words, or a mix of the two which leads to bizarre conversations that’s almost like listening to someone on the phone where you only get half the context

(Pancha is very quiet - to everyone except for Five, at least at first)

i went off topic but also it’s like almost 3am so i am allowed to ramble shhh

[iamanartichoke]

I hate when I follow a post to an OP’s blog and think they seem cool and I might follow them and then there’s something so exceedingly pro Taika Waititi and Anti Anti Taika Waititi that I’m just like, oh. And then I go through the notes and it’s nothing but bashing Loki stans for not worshipping at the altar of Taika Waititi and I just - 

People can obviously have their opinions. I don’t care if you like Taika Waititi, that’s great. I’m glad the movie was enjoyable for you. But if you can’t express that without tearing down the people who are critical of them, then I won’t follow you and I’ll probably think you’re a bit of a jerk. 

I have long been vocal about being in the middle when it comes to the Pro vs. Anti Ragnarok discourse. Ragnarok got me into the Loki fandom, and I enjoyed the film a lot. But. As people have probably noticed (judging by the followers I’ve lost, at any rate), my view toward the movie has become increasingly more negative recently, as more and more discourse comes out and shines a bright spotlight on all the things wrong with it. 

Before, I was able to enjoy it as an objective fan, without paying particular attention to Loki’s treatment or how OOC everyone was. It’s a fun time. I’ve gotten to the point, though, where I can no longer separate my critical thinking brain with what’s going on in the story, or with Loki’s treatment. Furthermore, I can’t even enjoy the parts I really loved anymore (Loki’s “I’m here,” the coronation scene, etc) because all I can think about when I watch it is the absolute fucking travesty of what happens to the Asgardians in IW. So I’m like ... yeah, I can’t be in that middle place between enjoyment and critique anymore. There were already parts I skipped entirely upon rewatches bc they’re so bad (the play), but overall, I can’t enjoy this movie anymore. 

And, honestly, I don’t understand how someone can read all of the negative, shitty things Taika said about Loki, about Asgard, and about the Thor franchise in general and still say that he’s the only director who understood Loki and Thor’s characters. Then, furthermore, they say that Joss Whedon is the one who can’t write, can’t direct, ruined Avengers, and should stay far away from Marvel, and I just ...???? I have been a fan of Joss Whedon since the 90s, he is responsible for So. Many. Characters. And. Storylines. that I both loved unequivocally and also had a profound influence on my development as a young woman and as a person that I can neither bring myself to dislike him nor understand those who have such vitriol toward him, to the point of, in my opinion, willful ignorance about what’s really going on when it comes to who cares about these characters. I don’t know much about Joss personally, and maybe some of his views are ~problematic~ but as a filmmaker, I have nothing but the highest regard for him. And it really gets me when I see people toss him away in order to stan Taika “I didn’t even watch the other Thor movies here have an anus joke” Waititi. 

I mean, maybe I’m being a hypocrite. It seems like I’m saying that I feel like praising Taika is wrong and tearing down Joss is wrong, and if you have these opinions you are wrong, and my opinions are right. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I respect everyone’s opinion, whether or not they’re different than mine. 

But I will say that it’s telling of something, I’m not sure what, that the anti Ragnarok people keep the discourse focused entirely on what Taika himself has said and what the movie itself does and doesn’t tear down and/or personally attack anyone who holds the opposite opinion. Furthermore, no one is going and attacking Taika or Chris or anyone personally on Twitter, Insta, or wherever they may hang out. Meanwhile, the Pro Ragnarok people have no problem shitting all over “hard core Loki stans” for these opinions and hoisting themselves up on the altar of smug superiority that they aren’t the pathetic losers who need to get a life. And it’s just. Why? Why can’t we all just keep the opinions limited to the actual source material? Why do feel like your opinions make you better than anyone who disagrees? Could it possibly be because you can’t defend the source material you love so much, so you have to resort to insulting the people who provide the evidence to support their argument that it sucks? I mean, I’m just tossing that out there. 

I apologize for this rant. It’s just something that’s been building over the past couple of weeks and I saw a post that just kind of made me snap. This is very stream-of-consciousness and I don’t mean to belittle or insult anyone who likes the movie. I’m sorry if it comes off that way. It’s just, this is where I am at the moment, and I just needed to get it out. 

[winchesternova-k]

Why/how do you support "Dean" when he has nearly every major trait in which people dislike "John" for? And I genuinely have no aggression towards this question! I just want to get your take on this character.

tbh i rlly hate comparisons between dean and john fvgfvf bc i don’t think it’s fair when their dynamic is one of a victim and abuser but i’ll do my best to answer this fvgfvg idk how articulate i’ll be this bc i do have adhd. ik what i mean and i understand what my point is but whether anyone else will is anyone’s guess fvgfvg

largely in the early seasons dean’s picked up john’s toxic traits as a way of coping w his abusive/neglectful behaviour. in later seasons, dean doesn’t exhibit many of these traits in an unhealthy way, and when he does (which is rare) i usually put it down to the unhealthy coping mechanisms he has (more on that below) or bad writing bc there have been several times when i feel he’s been ooc (his early treatment of jack for example). there’s multiple posts abt these instances in my liveblog tag (“emily liveblogs spn”)

a lot of the issues i have w john stem from the way he puts his vengeance in front of his kids. dean never does that. in the recent seasons, there’s multiple occasions where he actually puts jack in front of his mission. john continually puts his kids in danger, on purpose. the episode w the strega comes to mind. he used his kids as bait and takes his anger out on dean when sam nearly gets killed. he doesn’t even tell them they’re bait. dean is absolutely terrified of sam getting hurt and of disappointing his father. i can’t remember dean ever doing anything like that to anyone let alone jack or ben.

john treats his kids like soldiers and possessions instead of y’know kids. he gives them “orders”. like parents obviously tell their kids what to do but this is whole different level tbh. they blame themselves when things go wrong bc “they didn’t follow orders”. there’s “wow maybe dad knew better and i should listen next time” and then there’s “dad gave me an order and things went wrong bc i ‘disobeyed’. i’m a bad person”. dean and sam experience the latter. on top of that when they disobey john gets rlly angry bc they’re not under his control. this is a classic abuser move and one that my abusers have used on me. dean doesn’t do this w anyone let alone any of the kids he’s been in charge of, including sam.

i mean dean straight up blames himself when they’re used as bait by demons to get to john in one episode. that’s not a reaction that comes from a healthy relationship. jack’s scared sometimes of disappointing his dads (and i think on one occasion of making dean angry), but dean’s v quick to reassure him that even if he’s done smth wrong they still care abt him. john never does that. and like i said, any negative thing resembling john w dean & jack’s dynamic i usually chalk up to bad writing bc parts of it are v inconsistent between eps and dean never acted this way before w ben. and that aside dean has no history of acting like john in those respects any other time.

when sam and dean need help, john doesn’t give it. he just lets them handle it alone, even when they think it could get them hurt, unless it could help w his overall vengeance. whenever someone needs dean’s help, he’s there. i’m rewatching s1 atm (coming straight off the back of not watching any spn for abt idk 3ish yrs, and then starting from last 2 eps of s12 to the most recent ep), and a major difference between dean and john is how they r towards sam. when sam wants to leave, john shouts at him and guilts him into staying and even disowns him. dean is clearly upset and short w him but he tries to be supportive. he doesn’t know what to say and ultimately he’s honest abt how he feels but he doesn’t want to make things hard for sam or hurt him or drive him away like john. he doesn’t want to control sam like john does. he just wants his brother around, but accepts that sam wants things to be different. ultimately i think if sam had gone back to college he would’ve accepted it and gotten used to a more functional relationship. that’s not to say that the winchester brothers relationship is healthy in early seasons bc it’s not. their relationship formed when they were being abused/neglected and dean literally raised sam, and he doesn’t rlly know how to get along w/o sam which is rlly rlly toxic. but it improves over the yrs bc neither of them want to keep living in that unhealthy cycle

w ben, his parenting model w him is completely different to john’s. he tries to keep him out of danger to the point of trying to keep him from knowing the truth until he absolutely has to. when he does the wrong thing by ben (which i’ll admit like john, is usually out of fear) he apologises and tries to make sure he doesn’t do it again. john never does either of these things.

idk if ur talking abt his drinking, etc.? if that’s (partly) what this is abt, they’re unhealthy coping mechanisms that dean has developed bc he doesn’t know how else to deal. he doesn’t do therapy and the influential figures in his life coped this way (bobby, john, etc.) and he would’ve copied it.

mostly i think john doesn’t want to improve. dean does. dean doesn’t want to hurt the ppl he loves and when he does he apologises, even tho it takes a while. that last part is smth i relate to as an abuse survivor, bc abuse makes it hard to admit when ur wrong bc it will be used against u, smth we know for a fact john did w both sam and dean. john is shown to care less abt hurting ppl he cares abt than whatever he’s chasing and i think he apologises like once? in the entire show. i mean dean even knows when he’s being possessed by a demon bc john’s nice to him and tells him he’s proud. sam even says he feels like nothing he ever does is good enough bc of john (smth i also experience due to abuse and neglect). dean’s never afraid to tell jack or ben when he’s proud of them.

john’s happy to hurt whoever he has to to achieve his mission and his revenge, even hurt or kill his kids. he doesn’t WANT to hurt them, but again the strega ep shows that the mission comes first. dean shows how different he is when he refuses to kill jack in the s14 finale. he’s angry and he wants revenge but he knows hurting jack is wrong. dean often goes headfirst into danger to protect others w little thought for his own safety. that’s partially a reaction to john’s treatment of him, but john used to drag his kids into that danger w him. ik sometimes when theyre older john tries to keep them away from it, but that’s when they’re old enough to choose (and he’s still not letting them). but when they were dependent on him, he straight up did not care whether they were in danger or not. not when his mission was at stake. when they’re older and can keep themselves out of danger, that’s when and only when he tries to keep them out of danger. it’s a control thing. john wants them under his thumb and to only do what he wants. jack is usually kept out of the situation unless it’s necessary, and ben was entirely except for one instance where it would’ve been more dangerous to keep him out of it. dean parents jack and ben but he doesn’t try to control them.

ig my main thoughts r that dean’s actions r that of an abuse survivor and developed to survive the situation whereas john’s r that of an abuser. dean’s negative actions usually r only intended to hurt himself whereas john’s r intended to hurt everyone. all up i think their traits seem similar on the surface, but deeper down dean’s v different to john. his negative traits tend to be self destructive rather than just destructive. it’s more ig that dean’s actions r different to john’s? idk if that makes sense fvgfvg but i think that dean treats ppl v differently to john. he tries not to hurt ppl but john doesn’t rlly seem to give a shit if he hurts ppl or not.

tldr; i don’t rlly think dean’s toxic traits are similar to john any further than on a superficial level. any time i’ve seen that (esp in recent seasons) has been a result of bad or inconsistent writing. dean’s also a better dad than john. john shows signs found in abusers and ones i saw in my own abusers; dean doesn’t.

[the-cryptographer]

I know you probably get asked this a lot, but I can't help myself. You can tell me to fuck off if you don't want to answer, though. Do you still want to finish Lottery Ticket? Because it's one of my favorite YGO fics and the idea of you dropping it makes me so very sad.

It’s fine anon. I mean, I appreciate the recognition that I don’t owe you an answer or free content or anything, but I don’t get asked too often so it’s not a bother. And I’m not gonna tell you to ‘fuck off’.

Short answer is that - No, I’m not dropping Lottery Ticket. I still want to finish it. And, although I’m moving at a glacial pace, I was working on writing the next chapter as recently as sometime last week.

I’m going to give a longer answer though - Yeah, I also get scared I’m not gonna be able to finish it sometimes too. Not in the sense that it’s not important to me, but in the sense that I’ve been writing it for over two years, am over 100k words into it, and I’m not even halfway through the the planned story. I hope that I’ll be able to pick up the pace at some point, but moreso I hope that two or four or however many years in the future I’ll still care as much about finishing it as I do now. I’m kind of lucky I had some experience under my belt when I first started writing LT, enough to be able to know that I need to have a rather concrete understanding of my plot and story structure to see a long project through. But what LT has really driven home is that I have a very poor understanding of how many words and chapters (and how much time) it takes to execute the ideas in an abstract outline.

Also, yeah, idk how obvious it is, but Lottery Ticket is pretty personal to me. Not in the sense that I grew up with a gambling alcoholic dad, started a long distance relationship with a classy older woman straight out of my teenage years, or worked as a gofer for the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company. But a lot of the themes it deals with - feeling trapped in a household with a deteriorating abuser, class struggle through the lens of the more personal relationships between employers and employees, codependency and not being able to trust that people love you bc they depend on you, the intersectionality of poverty, racism, and crime, etc. etc. are all pretty heavy themes that I care deeply and personally about. And you’d think that that would make this story easier to write at times, but it mostly just makes it more difficult. It often feels a lot easier to rattle off oneshots about characters and ideas that, while maybe not entirely without emotional gravitas for me, certainly don’t hit as many soft spots so consistently.

And, in a more immediate sense, yea- next chapter is killer. I recently complained on twitter about how the draft for it cracked 8k, and I didn’t feel it was remotely finished. I like to divide the chapters so that they individually have a crescendo of rising and falling action - or at least that’s what I tell myself - so, having established the previous chapter that the next chapter is going to be about dealing with this problem where Jou owes an ungodly amount of money to yakuza affiliates and has no paycheck to pay with, I don’t think it really makes sense for me to post until I’ve reached a resolution to that conflict eleven days later. But, in addition to the mad scramble for cash, the chapter also has to include Jou dragging an unconscious Kaiba home, Jou negotiating with his landlord, scenes with Honda and Yuugi that establish how Jou feels about relying on them, an extendend flashback with Mai (& Anzu) that does much the same thing in addition to giving more background on Jou’s living situation, all that foreshadowing, etc. Also, I was kind of up in the air about whether or not to include this scene in this chapter or next - because there is /so much/ this chapter and I have very little concretely planned for next chapter - but I’m increasingly coming to think that Jou should confront his dad about the stolen paycheck this chapter instead of next one. Like- Jou’s kind of avoiding coming face to face with his dad and directly asking him for the money back. And the idea is that Jou’s been in situations similar enough to this in the past, that he already knows what the likely result of such a confrontation is and that it’s probably a dead end. So he’d prefer to wait until after the situation with Kyoutarou is dealt with to speak to dad. But the more I think about it, the more I realise the audience doesn’t have the same information that Jou does, and would probably benefit more from seeing the outcome of that confrontation firsthand. And to see it firsthand while there is still a hypothetical possibility for Jou’s dad to somehow influence the outcome when Jou goes to pay his debt, instead of after it’s somewhat of a moot point.

And, yeah, that brings me to the last part, which is the anxiety for what comes after the next chapter. As I’ve said, the fic is plotted out pretty heavily, but the two-three chapters after the next one are the part of the fic I have planned out the least in terms of their concrete events. I know the scene that the chapter after next ends on, but I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to fill the first part of it in with beyond the extremely vague ‘need to have a scene with Mokuba and start filling in more foreshadowing before the shit entirely hits the fan’. This isn’t explicitly a problem, per se, because Lotto Ticket has a big cast and there are a lot of threads I can pick up with Mai, Anzu, Shizuka, Honda, Yuugi, the other secretarial staff, etc that will hopefully fill out the pacing gaps in a way that will hopefully be entertaining and insightful, before I get back to the more solidified chapters directly preceding and including the climax of Part 2.

And, mmm, in addition to the anxiety related to chapter planning or lack thereof, there’s also just anxiety about what I’m going to have the characters say, do, and think? Next chapter is going to start dropping some pretty horrible headcanons about Jounouchi’s misogyny and his criminal record that I think should reasonably turn some people away from a fic featuring him as the protag. Following this he will spend a while comparing Seto rather unfavorably to Mai, and I mean that in an extremely intimate relational sense. And while I, as the author, know this is him struggling with his own homophobia and that it’s not meant to reflect negatively in a meta sense on Seto or JouKai, it takes a while before Jounouchi even starts to get over himself. Also, like, I’ve dropped some hints already that Jou and Mai have an open relationship (and that it’s a setup Jou’s not very happy about and kind of considers cheating anyhow). But I think the further progression of the “cheating” as it exists in this fic has the potential to be increasingly upsetting for readers, and it’s also the first of multiple issues regarding Jounouchi not really having a very good understanding of consent. And, finally, although I started the fic with a rather stark and controversial picture of Mokuba, and have since tried really hard to communicate that he is the same kid from canon that loves his brother to death, we have absolutely not reached the worst in his conflict and anger with his brother and I’m sure at least a few people won’t like it. And, mmm, I’m not really willing to compromise any of these things or tone them down. Even the few that aren’t directly baked solid into the plot structure of the fic, even the ones that I’m really not going to be able to frame in such a way that I can address them in detail given Jounouchi’s POV, I think they’re all extremely thematic and pointed towards the story’s idea of the situation Jounouchi grew up in, what he learned from it, and how much is at stake or not at stake, when he tries (or doesn’t try) to escape the poverty and abuse that (at least in part) defined him. But, yeah, idk. Even though I’m decided in that ‘this is the story i’m gonna write and no other’ it’s still anxiety provoking to think about readers being upset with me or dropping the fic even if I think their reasons for doing so would be completely justified - you know what I mean?

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to ramble about writing (or not writing) one of my favourite fics, anon. I hope I’ll be able to get the next chapter out sooner rather than later.