#I dont know its just
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#there is this inherent horrible horrible guilt to me when it comes to money#I can not buy something for me. I Have to convince myself it is for something productive#or it will be used by my family or used with my friends#it cant just be for me for nothing or its all for naught#and i dont know how to explain this to people#i really really dont#because then sometimes people will offer to get something for me but thats almost worse#because then it shifts from the guilt of wasting money on yourself for nothing. a solid 65/100 on the guilt scale#to wasting *someone elses* money on myself for nothing which is an easy 80 or so on the guilt scale and is only worse if it costs more#like see.#its easy when its like christmas because so long as you are about equivelent in money or I am doing more than the other it is good and righ#but as soon as the scale tips there is something horrible in my chest like ive done some great wrong to be righted#you know?#I dont know its just#i feel so strange trynig to ever expalin it all so i just . dont#I just try to circumnavigate it#like like#if i can just pay them back overtime it works out perfect#a lot of times i get really really narvous about this to a weird degree and i genuinely dont know how to get out of it#because when its like way over into the red with someone the last time i got so stressed I started sweating like I was running#and i was breathing weird and feeling lightheaded so i layed down on the ground and just stayed there for a while#sorry to Justice and Charles who will never see this post or explaination and only knew that I got really weird at my own birthday circa 19#idk#its just one of those inherent traits to me forever and ever
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i think those post that are like “if you could choose not to have [disability/disorder] would you?” because at a first glance its an instant yes. i would give anything not to be autistic or borderline or disabled. but once i stop and think about it, who am i without that? who am i without a hyperfixation i talk about with my best friend, both of us stimming on the floor? who am i without the obsession of someone who will deal with the ups and downs of it because they love me in spite of it; because of it? who am i without wondering who am i?, the countless possibilities of answers within me? who am i without the pain? who am i without that difference?
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thinking about how my niece called me a weirdo at my moms graduation because I've always been the weird one in the family with "weird" nerdy interests and thinking about how my bio cousin told me that she plays dnd with my bio siblings and they all went to college and got nerdy niche degrees that probably won't get them jobs but they all really love academia
#jersonal#true life: i was adopted#i dont know its just#its a lot to know that in an alternate universe I'm just another normal member of a family
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It's always so weird to come down from the biology heavens to see what the average person believes about animals, plants, ecosystems, just the world around them. I don't even mean things that one simply doesn't know because they've never been told or things that are confusing, I'm talking about people who genuinely do not see insects as animals. What are you saying. Every time I see a crawling or fluttering little guy I know that little guy has motivations and drive to fulfill those motivations. There are gears turning in their head! They are perceiving this world and they are drawing conclusions, they are conscious. And yet it's still a whole thing if various bugs of the world feel pain or if they are simply Instinct Machines that are Not Truly Aware of Anything At All????? Help!!!!!! How can you look at a little guy and think he is just the macroscopic animal version of a virus
#yesterday i made a complainy post about a whale edit having people confused about whale sharks and orcas' dolphin and whale identity#but honestly i cant even hold these things against someone. its confusing that whale sharks are called with two different animal names!#and if you only know about the whale dolphin porpoise divide then you may not know that dolphins and porpoises and others are toothed whale#i dont think anyone is actually stupid for not having this information preinstalled in their brains#if anything it makes me happy to get to explain things because i love explaining things that i know :D#however... this#it just makes me sad :(#its so weird when this whole thing is subjected towards OTHER VERTEBRATES too like fish or reptiles or amphibians#like man.... you are a fish. your ancestors were buddy buddy (or actually probably enemy enemy) with the ancestors of these guys#fish are like a whole other class of animal to a lot of people dont even get me started#they never get the same protections as mammals or birds do even if they are just as or more endangered#mmmmm i wont rant now#biology
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Katniss is such an unreliable narrator. She says "Then something unexpected happens. At least, I don't expect it because I don't think of District 12 as a place that cares about me" girl you deliver strawberries to the Mayor, you hunt and trade for the district, when you fell at Prim being chosen someone caught you, when you went to Prim people parted for you, when you volunteered EVERYONE stopped. Idk how to tell you but I think you're a pillar of the community.
#katniss everdeen#the hunger games trilogy#the hunger games#primrose everdeen#hunger games#batcavescolony reads the hunger games#suzanne collins#'now it seems i have become someone precious' NOW? GIRL BFFR you're their hunter girl#and this isn't negative just bffr girl#your WHOLE DISTRICT did the three finger salute that you yourself says means admiration thanks and goodbye to someone you love and on top is#old a rarely used. your WHOLE DISTRICT decided in that moment that they needed to bring back this sign of respect for YOU#...................................................................#idk why some people are thinking i mean this as negative i don't she is unreliable but its not intentional. like when Peeta heart stoped in#CF she doesn't know what Finnick is doing at first cus she doesn't know off the top of her head what cpr is. she also thinks Peeta after the#reaping is acting for the cameras. he isnt we dind out later his mom basically told him Katniss was gonna win and he would die. obviously#shes not doing it on purpose shes just for lack of better words uneducated? as in she doesn't know everything shes not omnipotent#so when Plutarch (? second games guy) shows her his mokingjay hiden watch shes like *wtf that's weird?* then the people traveling to#district 13 show her the mockingjay cookie and explains it and she then goes on the difference between his watch and their cookie#and why does eveyone act as if district 12 is as bad as the capital? they CANT help Katniss and Prim in the way you want. they cant give#them food. none of them have any! and im not putting iton Katniss but they hid they needed food so they could stay together. it sounds like#some of you are in this our world mentally of what people do after a loved one dies (brings food constantly checks on them etc) district 12#cant do that. they dont have food and they're all suffering. you cant give someone food when you have none to give. then theirs the fact#that peeta DID help. Peeta buring the bread and tossing some to her then taking a beating from his mom is a HUGE thing in the books.#he used his resources to help her like you all said someone should.#district 12 DID (rip) care about Katniss before the hunger games. why do you think she was allowed to hunt? or how her trades were good#these are the little ways 12 can shows Katniss they love her. but again Katniss doesn't see this and YES its because she had ptsd before the#hunger games as well. i swear some of you make it seem like d12 was all living a life of luxury and glaring down at Katniss.#other things that show Katniss is in hight standing with at least her people of d12 is her dad was known enough through d12 for peeta dad to#comment on his singing along with his commenting on her mom. also her mom is a healer in the community. yeah her parents arnt the top but#of d12 but they are/were definitely high staning in the Seam.
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hate when you find a character whose so infuriatingly Your Type that its embarrassing like yeahg no one is gonna be surprised when i announce this is my new Guy Of The Month
#shush jesse#EDIT from future me: this post was about astarion but im fully a galegirl (gendy neutch) now so idk what that says#he's also my type for what its worth#this post abt astarion#hes just so painfully on brand for me#i know so little about him though is the thing but i still feel insane#but i cant play the game and i dont want to watch anyone play it and i dont want spoilers#so like.....secondhand blorbo right now
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Local PHD student at wizard school HARRASSED!! FOR SHAME!!
#laios touden#falin touden#marcille donato#farcille#arts#dungeon meshi#hello Im back again! to tumblr#also Im pretty shamlessly using beebfreeb 's falin outfit. I like it a lot I think thats how she is#delicious in dungeon#obviously influenced by some other peoples designs of modern designs figured Id put that disclaimer i do love those#i have no idea what the canonicity of laios going to the library is. like. he knows a lot#but i dont know if thats from books necessarily? jsut thought it was funny just pretend its this particualr libraary if that bothers u I gu
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do you ever see a person and you are overcome with incredible fondness? and you just think "oh." but not in a romantic or sexual way you are just filled with warmth and it makes you happy, it just does. and you think "i'm so happy you exist. i'm happy you are somewhere out there in the world, doing your thing". it's love but also not entirely
like people are lovely and i feel it in my entire chest like a burning candle that smells like roses and a sunny day
#on love#aroace experiences#aroace#aromantic#asexual#aspec#aroacespec#sunbloom talks#<3#just late night revelations#i like love and i love people :)#edit: loveless aros friendly btw#i think that's what i meant when i said love but not really all those months ago#“incredible fondness” is the phrase i really like instead of love#people need to stop coming onto this post being like “nO!! this IS love!!!” shut up you dont know me. maybe it is maybe its not#this was about personal experiences and it blew up somehow unfortunately lol
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do you even remember the lives that you threw away like trash
continuation of this
#stay down here and watch garbage like you burn#its all youre good for!#transformers one#transformers#elita one#tf one darkwing#maccadam#i just wanted to draw elita beating someone up LOOL#do i tag bumblebee#this comic is like#about him#but he isnt actually here#errm#hc that darkwing was the one who threw bee down there#i know some people have said that sentinel did it but i really dont think hes waste his time on him#im guessing darkwing threw bee down there like he did to orion and dee#and bee REALLY takes it seriously#oh watching garbage burn is my job then#i dont think darkwing would remember him#it was so long ago too
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abogagos……..
#abogado (lawyer) + gago (idiot) so basically dumbass lawyers#i finally figured out how I wanna draw miles stupid bangs and I’m pretty happy with how it came out#for legal reasons (lol) I only did the engarde case but not will powers case in aa1 since my only copy is in Spanish#and I dont wanna look it up yet in case I actually get to play it and I don’t wanna get spoiled. so if its ooc thats my excuse#fuck Matt engarde all my homies hate Matt engarde#slogging thru trials and tribulations but havent finished the demasque case yet#bc Luke Atmey peeves me and makes me reluctant to open the game just to talk to him LOL#my art#myart#doodles#ace attorney#aa#aa trilogy#miles edgeworth#phoenix wright#maya fey#matt engarde#will powers#wrightworth#narumitsu#justice for all#(I know maya was kidnapped during that case but I wanted to include her anyway so shes tied up)
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yeehaw, baby!
#if u know me u knew this was inevitable#kon el#conner kent#tim drake#timkon#im gonna ramble after the boring tags ok#dc comics#fanart#western au#superboy#OK !!!! ITS TIME#so kon. obvs is a cowboy here#definitely a bit of a magnet for trouble but not an outlaw#still not the sort of person the son of the drake family's supposed to be talking to but yk kon's gonna try anyway#on tims end it pretty much follows the same events as the comics bc if it aint broke dont fix it#<- in terms of the whole sneaking out at night to do his own secret detective work thing at least#i have a whole silly story for the rest of it but im not gonna get into it all here lmao#but yeah i love cowboys and actual cowboy history vv much so this probably wont be the last u see of this au ദ്ദി ˉ꒳ˉ )✧#for now this post's rlly just for goofing around with design ideas#my art
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reflection
#anyways so i think samus has major survivors guilt and is a super perfectionist. The type of girl who reimagines scenarios in her mind#And thinks about how she could have done better. like ‘if i had woken up sooner maybe i could have saved everyone in prime 3’#so i think she says she doesnt know anything about herself because shes so hypercritical of her actions she doesnt see herself as a person#while also her hyper critical-ness shows how she says she wants to ignore herself but she literally cant because she has so many criticisms#oh i wanted to include the ppl from the prime 2 manga in that one shot but was like ‘i dont think ppl will recognize them’.#also lol the existence of dark samus would fuck her up SOOOO bad like it only exists bc she exists & its responsible for the gang’s deaths#okay im done rambling tldr MENTAL ILLNESS.#metroid#samus aran#loneart#metroid dread#metroid prime#super metroid#metroid series#i dont wanna tag all the games. There just those games is enough#hall of fame#gray voice
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talking to preschoolers is awesome bc they have not fully differentiated stories into 'true stories' and 'imaginary stories' yet so you will tell them about something that happened you once (coyote came out of a bush right in front of you and got startled) and they will tell you about how one time their house was full of coyotes in every room 'including five in the garage' and they're not even like, aware i think of the idea that they are technically 'lying'. they are simply telling stories about coyotes bc its time to tell stories about coyotes.
#like ppl will be like 'kids love to lie' but i think whats going on is the human inclination to storytell. which is pointedly different imo#and like to be clear im not saying they dont know there weren't actually coyotes in their house#its just that like. they don't know why it would matter
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together, we do the same thing again //
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#gojo satoru#jjk gojo#satoru gojo#i still dont fully know what im doing w my render but i think im landing somewhere#pls let th transitional shift b over im tired of this grandpa#i know i am always like its natural fr styles to shift dont fight it just experiment and go with it see where it takes u#but god is it frustrating not being able to tell if u even like what youre making while youre making it#every piece being a full leap of faith bc u cant recognize what the 'ugly phase' is and therefore cant convince yourself tht it will pass#exhausting i tell u#anyway . gojo.#having a lot of fun w yellow-blue-grey lately so i figured id test them out on gojo more#i usually veer sharp in2 either neons or cool tones fr him but lately ive found the bruised pallid yellow look 2 b really striking#throw some periwinkle down fr contrast bam#i also realized its been a while since i drew gojo w his blindfold so theres that also#idk man i just work here#monthly gojo quota met and perhaps even exceeded#ALSO been looping clouded innocent fr ages and ages its so good so have more vocalyrics in caption smile
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skeletons have zero right to be that hard to draw
#farcille#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#marcille donato#falin touden#marcille#falin#dunmeshi#dunmeshi fanart#please dont look too closely i dont know how many ribs i drew but i know its wrong#just look at the pretty fabric oouuuug..#jangles keys#you dont see any skeleton... what skeleton...... i didnt draw any skeeleton......#fynori art tag :)#anyways enjoy the yuri
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imagine an au where shen yuan transmigrates into a blank slate npc with very little system involvement, traveling around for a while until he's found by yue qingyuan and taken back to the sect because apparently shen qingqiu went missing around his transmigration period and shen yuan looks exactly like him, so it must be him, but then a few weeks later when he's just settled in on the peak and accepted his fate the real shen qingqiu shows up who was just on vacation and everyone forgot.
now there are two shen qingqiu's, one of whom is the real one and the other an amnesiac they gaslighted into believing he is shen qingqiu.
anyway—shen qingqiu has a new didi now!
#sorry this sounded really funny in my head#imagine going on vacation and then coming back to your clone whom your coworkers gaslighted into believing he is you#shen yuan going through a crisis cus he doesnt want to die horribly and then its not even him#also the confusion starts when sy introduces himself as ''shen yuan'' cus to yqy it's just ''shen'' qingqiu + yue qing''yuan'' = shen yuan#yqy: you are shen qingqiu#sy: that doesnt sound right but i dont know enough about myself to dispute it#sqq adopts sy as his new didi cus obvs his coworkers cant be trusted with him#luo binghe is just glad the new shizun can stay#but also imagine being yqy or mqf and telling this guy with amnesia hes sqq and then finding out hes not#and you gaslighted the poor guy into it#hilarious#svsss#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#luo binghe#yue qingyuan#scum villain's self saving system#scum villain
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