#I fucking hate this game of “am I depressed or is it pms?”

[agent-of-imagined-chaos]

stressed depressed lemon zest 👉🥲👉

[beah388love]

Bunny

18+ Minors DNI!!!

Full Masterlist Legend Masterlist

Pairing: Reggie Kray x Fem!Reader

Summary: Ron accidentally takes your favourite stuffie and you panic…

Warnings: Swearing,Crying,Angst,a little squint about anxiety,PTSD,sibling death,depression!!! (Please tell me if I missed any!!!)

Reggies POV-

It was 11:00 am in the morning it was a normal day except the fact that when I walked into the flat with Ron,we was met with no sign of dov-Y/n.

I saw a little note on the table that said "went to the Prince shop to get some ranchers, be back soon xx" and I smiled.

"Where is y/n?" Ron said and I handed him the note.

"She's out for a bit" I said and looked at Ron who was looking around.

"Do y'a mind if I look around?" Ron asked since he knew we would have to wait for y/n until we got to go to the carpenters Arms to sort business out.

"Knock yourself out mate" I said before walking into the kitchen to get a drink.

Ron walked upstairs and looked around bored.

Until something caught his eye, a cute small bead-stuffed bunny on the double bed.

He walked over to it and held it gently before he chuckled a bit knowing y/n slept with a teddy.

What he didn't know was how much the bunny meant to her..

He put it into his blazer pocket and went back downstairs.

"Y/n’s back let's go" I said and Ron nodded before we left and went to the car to meet with y/n.

"You boys alright?" She asked us with a smile whilst she also sucked on a jolly rancher.

"We're good just waiting for you to come down to carpenters with us" I said and she smiled again.

"Yup let's go" she said and we left before I opened and shut the car door for her gaining a thank you a from her.

———

After carpenters.

Abt. 1:30 pm

I drove y/n back but Ron went to our club with the rest.

We walked up to the flat and she went upstairs to get changed into something more comfy.

I was in the kitchen reading the newspaper until I heard a loud gasp and then y/n scream "Reggie!"

I quickly went upstairs.

"Yeah?" I breathed out.

"Where's bunny?" She panicked and began looking everywhere.

I huffed, she panicked me for a stuffed teddy?.

"Dove.." I said and she shrugged off the hand I placed on her arm off.

"Don't! Where is she!" She cried.

I hated when she cried. Because she rarely would, only if it was her period,a loved one was mean to her,a loved one got hurt or if she lost her bunny.

"Oh Dove..c’mon please don't cry..I'm sure we'll find her" I reassured her but she wouldn't listen.

"No! I left her here! Who's been here?!" She stuttered through tears.

"Oh fuck.." I said and she looked at me worried.

"What?" She asked me through tears.

"Ron's been here" I said as I held my two fingers to the bridge of my nose.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" She said pissed off.

"Dove..calm down I'm sure he just meant it as a joke" I tried to calm her down but she was furious.

She went downstairs as she wiped her tears and she left the flat before slamming the door.

She was wearing flats, leggings and a baggy jumper as she left the flat and walked down to the car and began to start it. I chased after her but failed. She had already drove away before I got to her.

"Y/n! For fucks sake!" I said to myself angrily.

———

Y/n’s POV-

"Ronald James fucking Kray!" I yelled through the empty club.

"What'd y'a do?" Teddy asked Ron and he shook his head. He didn't know what he did.

"Where is she?!" I yelled at him and he looked at me sad and confused.

"I don't know what you're talking about" Ron said honestly but i wasn't havin it.

"Don't fuckin play that game with me, give her to me now" i threatened and he was upset he hated when i was mad at him.

But I didn't care, I wanted my bunny, she was the only thing I cared about in this moment.

I needed her, she was my comfort. I had her through everything in my life.

My anxiety,depression,PTSD, my brothers death.

My parents fights,my uncles fights, when my dad went to prison or when my uncles did.

When I had no one. When all my fake friends ditched me. She was all I had.

I need her.

"Don't yell at me y/n" Ron said but i ignored him.

"Give me Bunny!" I yelled and searched his pockets.

"Y/n! Stop it!" Reggie scolded me and pulled me off of Ron.

"No! I need her!" I cried in Reggies arms and he stroked my hair comfortingly as he held me trying to calm me down.

But it didn't work.

"Ron give me the stuffed bunny from my flat" Reggie said in a very serious tone.

Ron went wide-eyes since he had realised what I had wanted this whole time.

He quickly opened his blazer pocket and handed me the bunny.

Which I instantly took and held in relief.

It instantly calmed me and my sobs began to slow down.

"Shit..I-I'm sorry y/n" Ron said apologetically.

"It's alright Ron, you didn't know" Reggie said as he held me close.

"Thank you" I breathed out through teary breaths.

Eventually after I calmed down I gave Ron a hug and I explained to him why I wanted my bunny so much.

"After my anxiety and depression and PTSD, I've had bunny the whole way through, I've had her since I was two" I explained to Ron and he felt so bad.

"I didn’t know y/n, I'm sorry" he said and gave me a hug making me smile.

"It's fine Ron, you didn't know,I'm sorry for yelling at you" I replied as I hugged him back.

[wariolandthepipdimension]

im so mad at myself. is it even my turn to vent yet probably not but fuck the rules baby

uh. tw for me yapping about suicide and general queerphobia and bullying and shit

i keep fucking staying up until 5 am on my phone because im scared of sleeping because i might have nightmares about otherwise trivial things that irritate me because im a stupid self centered bitch whos so scared of a little bit of hate because apparently its almost like that person wants to kill me.

and staying up on my phone isn't even the thing im worried about here its the fact that im mostly on tumblr. because its the only place i feel safe. and what if my mom finds it through the apps i spend the most time on and looks at my blog and sees that i dont strictly use she/her pronouns and supports palestine and supports all queer identities and actually does kill me. or at least does something that leads to me. you know. committing chapter 8 my life ends here.

and also the fact that i stay up all night and go to sleep until 1 pm. i feel so disgusting and lazy depression probably doesnt even excuse it atp im probably just looking for comfort since nobody else can give it to me i mean others have it far worse than i do lol

and Him. dont fucking forget about Him. i had a fucking nightmare about him touching me. not even in anywhere intimate just on my head. just the idea of him making any form of physical contact with me is fucking repulsive. im absolutely terrified to go back to school because what if hes planning things to do to hurt me. what if he has more friends to harm me. what if he hurts Her because Shes one of the only people who trusts me. he didnt even do that much he just made me extremely uncomfortable

literally the only four things keeping me from killing myself are my online friends and the spicy cookies from the hit korean mobile game franchise known as cookie run (specifically only peperoncino and habanero and capsaicin and the other scovillia cookies but my prove is still pointen) and the haha funny wario game released for the nintendo wii on july 24 2008 and the one girl from my school i have an extremely obsessive crush on and if she Finds Out™ then 3/4 of those things (or all 4 if she's sick enough to keep me out of school to "protect me further from the gay agenda") are gonna be taken away from me and. quick question to my mom. do you want a dead child? no? then get your shit together and stop making baseless threats against me for having human decency.

"why do you hide everything from me????????? 🥺🥺🥺" well if you never made those threats to me because i reacted in an almost justified way when you were being hateful about trans people i would have felt more comfortable telling you things. and dont even try and say "but i support the gays too!!!!!!! but not the mutilation psychos!!!!!!" youd probably tell someone to stop shoving it in their faces if you saw even a little tiny lesbian flag pin on their jacket. and stop using psycho for every person you ever so slightly have beef with. its getting annoying and not everyone who thinks trans people should have basic rights has a psychotic disorder. thank you <3

i wouldve been more hopeful about everything if my parents didnt have fucking fox news on every evening and not one not two but THREE FUCKING PRO TRUMP SHITSTUFF in their front yard. these fuckers never learn. i hope blue wins this year so i can see them wail and bitch about their stupid little fascist orange losing. but again thats just one of the dumb little trivial things that frustrate me beyond my limits. i find it funny how i pretend im just. not interested in anything political but. does a backflip

my fucking god can someone just fucking euthanize me. wait not even that. just fucking torture me and keep me alive. like do some wild shit. make the devil shiver even more than he would when a nice guy loses his temper.

i know im overreacting. i know im just making shit up like the self centered pile of flesh i am. but im so mad right now im beyond livid i might blast glittertown in my earbuds again to at least dull the rage

[predoom]

ohoneohone

Thursday, February 2nd, 2006 1:16 pm this city helps me forget love doesn't bore me. it disappoints me.

there is a pile of lamps and clocks stuck on 11:11. cause i wish i could fucking believe you. Saturday, January 21st, 2006 12:17 pm i hate you and i hope you die. yes. i realize that you will make fun of me/take stabs at me/post ridiculous pictures of me. i realize that because of this band i have given up some of my privacy and personal life. i accept that. i can laugh at myself. i realize i will get called a douchbag. i get what i get.

i have begun reading things about my friends and family.

that i will not accept.

i read things written by people who kiss my ass to my face. i remember who you are.

fuck you.

bring it on me. please leave my friends and family alone. it is extremely hurtful to me.

if anyone is a friend of mine out there please tell your friends.

i on the otherhand am open game. i have a good laugh at all of the stuff written about me. i am silly, i realize that.

thank you.

peter Thursday, January 19th, 2006 1:55 am wahahahahaha. i laughed for like a million hours at the shittalking over at: www.friendsorenemies.com

its way fun to see your friends make fun of you. it keeps you levelheaded.

it has gone live. Sunday, January 15th, 2006 3:23 pm its too hard living where we don't belong i fear this may all have been a mistake.

love,

little Saturday, January 14th, 2006 4:14 pm "noones ever been this good for this long" this is everything i am thinking right now with out transition. i apologize for my brains lack of linear thought processing: i hate the way it gets dark so early here this time of year. i guess "seasonal depression" kind of falls under "ADD" and "post tramatic whatever disorder" for me. i feel like its science from the madhatter down the rabbit hole. not too real. but lately i just wake up blue - my only thought is- how soon will the day be over so i can get back into bed. i open my eyes just a tiny bit and blur the numbers on the clock with my eyelashes. every word you say rolls off of my back - the praises and the barbs. i don't hear either, ever. sometimes the tips of my fingers itch from the back of my head- just to get the chance to tear someone to pieces and just barely let them off the hook. i swear to god, i was asleep alone. quick text me an alibi and oh god please don't dust the keyboard for prints. sometimes i stare out of the frosted window and make up stories as people walk by. the bottled blonde, park ave. princess walking whichever dog matches her coat. you know how i could turn your world upsidedown. its not love if a day goes by when you don't think about dropping it. its not the world keeping you on the outside, its you not wanting to be on the inside. everyone wants to be the first. buts its okay to be the second if you understand it better, if you make it look prettier. worn down doesn't even touch this. and theres nothing worse than when someone acts like they have you figured out, when you haven't even figured yourself out. nice boys don't write good stories or sing good songs. and his songs are boring. and his stories are just personal ads set to background music. i found the skeleton key for wedlock but i am holding off on telling her. on telling anyone for that matter. consistent inconsistency. thats all you ever have to remember and you'll do okay with me. dancers are always strippers. and paying their way through college is the BE VE. oh and hey pete do you remember the way the world used to trick you with fifty degrees in january and orange leaves in june? button your jacket tight, don't believe everything you read... don't even believe everything you wrote. i'm tired of always leaving. i'm tired of the way things always/never change. swim upstream until your gills bleed just because thats what genetic encoding commands. there aren't any trophies that are really worth it in the end. they can put you in a box when you are very young, so you'll be a pretty corpse but there are too many pages filled with too many words to lie beside you forever. intelligent design is the last great joke i heard. but honestly, no one will ever stay where i tell them, least of all the years. they keep moving. worlds greatest liar and how do you know i'm not lying when i tell you this right now? and thats coming from the king of one-liners. copy and pasted - long live the away message. kiss the monitor. fast asleep baby. Friday, January 6th, 2006 8:11 pm i am just a hot mess. i woke up to the feeling of myself throwing up today. pretty much put a damper on the entire day. i ate about 50 stomach pills and then threw them all up- it was a pretty color in the toilet. my toungue is black on the top right now. i am pretty sure thats a bad thing. i watched way too much gastinaeu (however you spell it) girls today. i think it made me sicker. it took me awhile to realize that they were mother and daughter and not sisters- but the mom is kinda hot in pissy kind of way. my mom is out of town so there was noone here to take care of me- my brother was around but hes pretty much always bongzilla'd. so i waited for back-up caretakers to arrive- one of them was busy cutting hair and the other has like a "real" job besides being dad.

the best part about vomitting alone in the morning is the way the bathroom tiles feel kinda cool in a pleasant way so i took a nap there for a bit. i want to see hostel tonight but the problem is all the vomitting- see its not that i mind so much its just what if i run into someone in my sicky gear and puke on them?

wow. i am glad i did this update. arent you?

im gonna leave the comments open cause i never do- just write down the first thing that comes into your mind when you see that reply button- heres mine:

i am just a hot mess. (1330 Comments |Comment on this) Saturday, December 24th, 2005 9:57 pm blue christmas so i was sitting around this christmas. just kinda getting bummed out looking at the lights outside of shiny houses in my neighborhood and decided that it was time fall out boy gave somethng back. we decided to pick a cause that we feel is often overlooked- education of poor people in africa (specifically ethiopia). we feel like education is one of the most important building blocks in change- so after doing some research we found and organization that we felt really was doing it right: www.a-cet.org - this isn't some glossy amazing press piece it is doing something quietly to make a change- and we loved that. so we decided to put a couple of old and rare FOB and clandestine items up on ebay. here's the deal- if you dont see the link off of a fall out boy site than don't trust that it is us doing it- part two- keep bidding the more we can help the better. and three we will keep adding more items up here for a bit so keep checking back. they are all legitimate and endorsed by FOB and all items will come signed. happy bidding:

a clandestine shirt sample that was never made: http://cgi.ebay.com/never-produced-clandestine-shirt-sample-fall-out-boy_W0QQitemZ4812617551QQcategoryZ52473QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

breakdance not hearts shirt worn on big in 05 awards: http://cgi.ebay.com/clandestine-breakdance-not-hearts-shirt-fall-out-boy_W0QQitemZ4812615104QQcategoryZ52473QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

giant moonman pez dispenser given to nominees at the VMAs http://cgi.ebay.com/giant-VMA-moonman-pez-dispenser_W0QQitemZ4812612435QQcategoryZ52473QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

complete set of take this to your grave trading cards. including rare card: http://cgi.ebay.com/fall-out-boy-trading-card-lot-takethistoyourgrave_W0QQitemZ4812607828QQcategoryZ52473QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

new:

original bleach "i am the dream" shirt clandestine: http://cgi.ebay.com/original-bleach-clandestine-shirt-i-am-the-dream_W0QQitemZ4812798220QQcategoryZ52473QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

original secret order shirt http://cgi.ebay.com/secret-order-of-FOB-shirt-hyper-limited_W0QQitemZ4812800208QQcategoryZ52473QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

alternative press poster signed by entire band http://cgi.ebay.com/alternative-press-poster-fall-out-boy-limited_W0QQitemZ4812796786QQcategoryZ52473QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

spend your xmas cash... Thursday, December 8th, 2005 3:34 am last week i got to hold a baby orangatan (spelled completely wrong).

that was the best moment of my life.

ill try to find a picture.

try to imagine a regular baby, mixed with a puppy, mixed with the song "dont stop believin" by journey. Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005 12:59 am sometimes my own words dont suffice. "i hope that our few remaining friends give up on trying to save us i hope we come up witha fail-safe plot to piss off the dumb few that forgave us i hope the fences we mended fall down beneath their own weight and i hope we hang on past the last exit, i hope its already too late and i hope that the junkyard a few blocks from here someday burns down and i hope the rising black smoke carries me far away and i never come back to this town again. in my life i hope i lie and tell everyone you were a good wife and i hope you die. i hope we both die" Sunday, November 20th, 2005 1:36 pm sometimes its like never started sometimes it like its never gonna end Friday, November 11th, 2005 12:35 pm i won't tell a soul if you dont want me to. hearts between our knees sticking to summer sheets. Saturday, November 5th, 2005 4:59 pm keep me fast the way he runs his mouth its a wonder that i havent caught a flight home just for a second alone the way he runs my mouth makes me hate you just as much as him thank god i spend most of the daylight dreaming in wine colored beads the sun never caught me right when i was little i splash water on my face in sinks in green rooms like pinching yourself or trying to wash the miles off down a dark hotel hallway the finger prints in pink and blue like skin and veins i try to jump from the doorway to the bed so i dont leave footprints so i dont disturb the carpet like sand you want shyer eyes you want bigger "im sorry"s and regrets for things that i.Yo.u. did you want survivors in the wreckage you want flashlights in the cave you want second chances for second chances i loved everything about you that hurts your scars, your flaws, your not so subtle attempts at wit and irony that always fell a bit short and felt forced your insincerity, your imitation that you passed off as exploration your morning smile 3 year stand (off) her breathing is shallow she shakes whenever i get near- i guess its an occupational hazard its okay we dont have to talk. youre just a body. heaven sent and percoset. even though we're fading fast.... im sorry "pretty"- you were just a canary in a coal mine. Tuesday, November 1st, 2005 7:57 pm there are many things that i would like to say to you but i don't know how im not even too sure what goes on, especially in my own head. one second its one way and the next its another. i have a funny way of showing i care. but i do. i have to say it- halloween wasn't the same this year with out you. i i had the best time ever in southern california. but it wasn't really halloween with out you. and new years won't either. my calls go out today but they'renot picked up. i get what i get. i got some friends who are wearing their egos on their sleeves. its ok. i'll play dumb. you are a shadow of who you once were. "can we start agains" ive had my share. for the past month my mood has been however our phone calls ended. it felt like i was dying inside when i hung up the phone on you. but i have to make a point. you can only act like dirt for so long before you become it. but theres nobody like me and you. i feel like veins and ligatures when you aren't around. and breathing in isnt the same when you're not breathing out. percoset revolutionary. "look mom, no breathing". fucking fading. fucked up, but not cool fucked up. maybe we rip the map in half and someday we meet up in the middle. by accident or just because. everything and everyone ends up faced down on the floor in the end.

you are my wonderwall. Wednesday, October 26th, 2005 6:51 pm my mom said 'make sure you go to sleep smiling tonight baby cause you'll wake up feeling better" i just re-read everything you wrote over the past two months.

i miss my friends.

there is life after this. i promise myself. Tuesday, October 25th, 2005 10:51 pm everything they say about us is true im watching scary movies like every afternoon. i got some new slipper and pants. i look ridiculous. dreamboat. the inside of my head is always changing. even right this second. when i go back over all the details it makes me so glad im not in that town anymore. all of a sudden we're always in the crosshairs. it kinda feels normal now. we used to goof around about killing ourselves off. but sometimes it wasn't a joke. i can't sleep when the bus isn't moving. went to the fender offices today, they are gonna make me some basses. pretty exciting. the only thing ive ever learned is that its pretty easy to say "i love you" its alot harder to mean it. my friends are dropping like flies. everyone looks good when they are the one with their fingers on the keyboards. history is written by the conquerer. we're headlining an amphitheater tommorrow. thats retarded. fistfightking. makeoutqueen. past midnights. get amazed.

Current Music: 2sweet

[crmsnmth-journal]

7/25/2024 10:29 PM

Second 12-hour shift down. My feet are killing me. My metal ankle is on fire, and I am exhausted. But once again, it was a blast. I don't think I've had one bad day there yet. Sure, I worked with that idiot, but the manager is trying to schedule her and I as far apart as possible. Which I'll take. She keeps up her garbage she's going to get fired anyway. The boss isn't stupid, he's shown that in how he handles his businesses. And he'll see the leech he has on the line. I had to train someone today. I found it funny that I've only worked there a couple days and I'm already training. It's not like the menu is all that hard. It just looks a lot more complicated than it actually is. She'll do fine. She did great on the fryers. Asked questions on things she didn't know. Watched. She'll get it. Her partner is on the wait staff too. Trans, which in this town is definitely not a good thing. I'm an ally. Always have been. For a while there, I questioned if I was trans. (I'm not. Closest I can describe it would be genderfluid) But this town sucks for anything like that. Small-town farmers, hicks and rednecks. So it was great to see the boss man doesn't give a shit about that. Like it should be. They both seem like really nice people and instantly got my humor right away. Joe was with me on the line tonight. Wing night. I fucking hate wings right now. Yesterday was wing night at the alley. Out of the two? AV's are a hundred times better. Fresh, not frozen wings in a marinade I don't know (yet) and they are awesome. The only thing I have issues with right now is the pizzas. There made so differently from the alleys that it's hard to break my habits. I'll get it eventually. I'm so glad I chose to do this second job. I feel better. I mean, in my head. I was so depressed for awhile there, that I was starting to get worried. But since I started at AV, I've been happier. The old me is starting to shine through the cracks. Maybe it is just the fact of something new, but it's also the co-workers, the boss, appreciation, the food is fun to cook and higher quality, this list could go on and on. It really is the change I've needed for a while now. I think I was so stuck down in my habits that I was drowning and didn't even know it. Either way, things are finally getting better. I'm finally catching a goddamn break. Now, I'm going to eat these Gouda Mac & Cheese bites and fall asleep to Game of Thrones.

[keefwho]

June 08 - 2023 Thurdday

2:08 PM

Some of my most frequent thoughts include: “I am alone” “No one wants me” “I’m not good enough” “I’m not worthy of (thing) or (person)” “Is (person) better than me?” 

These are thoughts I want to figure out how to defuse from. They plague my mind. Catching them is the first step which is what I’m doing now. I’ve felt pretty good today and yesterday in general but even when I feel okay, these feelings still loom in the background. I want to truly detach from them. 

7:18 PM

At this moment I’m feeling down on myself, like no one wants me around and to a greater extent, never will. I’ve been feeling like this with everything. I feel like I can’t attend events, or play games with people, or like I can’t be sexually active because it’s not welcome from me. These are all beliefs I have about myself that are not true but it’s hard to shake them off. How can I stop feeling this way? Even if I identify the feelings as they happen, I don’t know how to lessen their effect. 

8:24 PM

Even if I feel bad about myself, the first thing I want to believe is that I am not alone. People care about me. And if it’s not as many people as I’d like, I have the capacity to expand my connection. It CAN be done. An equally noble priority is to stop feeling like I’m going nowhere. Like I’m stuck in one place where the only way I can go is down. I’m starting to take more interest in my art again. I have the desire to draw ponies along with new episode releases. In some way I also want to get more integrated into the furry community since I feel very outside of it. 

I’d like to believe my self esteem hasn’t gotten worse. I’ve just become aware of it and it’s extent. 

My heart hurts so deeply. At least I feel something. 

9:16 PM

Time to spill it all out. I feel pathetic. My life has gone nowhere. I have no one that loves me. No one is committed to me. I crave mutual companionship but I do not have it. I feel unworthy. Even if I pull myself together I’m just destined to stay alone and unhappy. I have no redeeming qualities, I’m convinced I’m just put up with by people. I’m so far below anyone’s league. I don’t deserve space on this earth. This is how I feel tonight. I’m crying about it, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I wish I could stop feeling so worthless. I wish I could feel loved, by myself or from anyone else. The second I stop fighting for my survival, it’s over. There is no one to pull me up. I am all that keeps me afloat and sometimes it’s hard to hang on. 

I feel no hope. I’ve lost my friends and social networks. My art is lame, I’m not what I used to be. I don’t dream anymore. I feel like I slowly edge closer to the possibility that I could actually end it. I never thought I’d be the kind of person but here I am. I’m afraid one day I actually might want to. And if I tell anyone that, that’s a quick way to make people want to distant. I know no one wants that in the their life. 

I think the only thing that kept me from worsening depression in the past was my friends. I always had people that would hit me up or that I knew I could go to to hang out with. Now it’s one person that I actually feel connected to and that’s becoming unhealthy. Now I’m nearly completely alone so nothing will keep me from spiraling. 

I have dinner but I literally can’t eat it. I don’t want to eat. 

9:49 PM

I’m such a piece of shit. Being so selfish all the fucking time. I hate myself. Truly despise myself. For causing so much pain to everyone around me all the time just by being myself. And expecting love in return. What a fucking idiot. 

10:45 PM

I seriously have never felt this hopeless. If I feel like this tomorrow morning, I’m not doing work. I might not get to bed on time. I don’t care about trying to do anything. I want to give up. 

[dzpenumbra]

1/3/23

Today was pretty decent. Pretty fackin decent, Julian.

I slept like shit. Yep, despite being super exhausted last night, I slept like ass. Woke up at least 5 times. Got up when my cat puked on the floor again, this time was not a hairball. I have no idea what to do when that happens. I brought it up with the vet and they barely reacted. Like she's either puked up a hairball or just fluid probably... 4 days this week? At least? And she has thyroid problems and kidney disease. So like... I feel like I should be doing something about it, or at least be concerned... But my theory on it is that she's being fed too far apart. I mean... too close together... Agh it's complicated. I feed her in the AM (like 1 or 2 PM), and I get my first bit of food. Then we both feed at like... 8PM? Maybe 9? And then we both don't eat until the next cycle starts. That's just what life has been since I stopped free-feeding her a while back. And now she's on a super strict prescription diet, she doesn't even get treats, so... I kinda have to schedule feed her. It's a tricky one. The answer really is to get up earlier, but I've really been struggling with sleep.

Weirdly enough, the problem is not falling asleep, which used to be the big problem for like over a decade. The issue is staying asleep and getting to bed. When I get trauma shit set off, I feel like... I am more prone to self-soothe, self-care. Which is good, it's very good. But... I do tend to hyperfocus on it, because I will not settle for a mediocre self-care method, I will find the best one out there. And then I get sucked into it big-time, because it's working. Then I look at the clock, and it's 5:30AM. This happens constantly and it doesn't really matter whether my normal sleep schedule is in place or not. I could be on a normal bedtime of like... 1AM, and I'll just be so engrossed in my self-care thing that I just... ignore my tiredness. Like the ancient meme from the Civilization series "just one more turn..."

And that's the most depressing part, because honestly, I would rather be playing a game or making art or music or whatever the thing I was engrossed in was. Because going to sleep is a risk. It's a chance that I'm gonna get some really nasty dreams. The thing I'm hyperfocused on is safe, it's good. So that's tricky. But that shock to my sleep schedule doesn't right itself overnight. Emotions need to recover first. But, during the winter, I lose a lot of my go-to emotional healing methods... specifically... going into nature. Because it gets dark at fucking 4PM, and when things are rough I'm not getting out of bed until like 2. Mandatory shower is half an hour. Caffeine and food is another half hour. Then I look at the clock and I have an hour to do anything. Say I want to go to this State Park. 18 minute drive. I have 40 minutes, and my ass isn't walking back to my car through the woods in the dark, so cut that in half. 20 minutes in, 20 minutes out. I hate to ask "is it worth it?" but like... is it? I feel like it'll just leave me frustrated and wanting more.

So yeah, PTSD strikes again. Go figure, staying up 5 hours past your normal sleep time for a few days completely throws your life off. Who woulda guessed?

On a less dark note, I got my furniture list put together, that was good. I was actually really locked in as far as getting house stuff on paper. Now I have more of an idea of what I'm looking for from Goodwill or the Habitat for Humanity place when I go.

I called the vet, I made sure they had more of the prescription food for Max, got them to order more of her arthritis supplements and set up a follow up appointment to check her blood levels. Poor thing, she's going through so much. At least she gets Gabapentin every night, she's gettin some real good sleep.

I did my yoga, it was good. The theme was "Listen" which I thought was ironic because I couldn't hear half of what she was saying, I guess I had the volume too low. I also couldn't follow some of it because I didn't really know what pose she was transitioning into, I don't really know the poses, so... I did my best. My hamstrings and my hips are in rough shape, my lower back feels like it just straight up doesn't bend... my shoulders have always carried all of my tension and are finally getting the rust out of the hinges, and my neck is slowly starting to come back into some semblance of a normal human neck. It's gonna take time to fix my horrible posture, but it's worth the work.

The big highlight of the day was getting my big comfy chair. I've been waiting for it, and it finally got delivered. It's a 6 foot beanbag style chair filled with shredded memory foam. Max has been sleeping in it all night, she absolutely loves it! I do too, it just needs some more time to expand I think, they said it can take up to 4-5 days to like... get where it's supposed to be. It's still cool, and I'm really glad to have it.

But here's where it gets a bit complicated. So... when I'm in my comfy chair... what do I do? I was picturing watching TV or something, just chilling and getting really comfy and watching something, but... I don't have a TV anymore. So I have to like... figure out a TV. And figure out what to hook it up to. It just isn't as simple as it used to be. Plus, this is the part that was a little... tough to process today. I haven't been shopping for a TV, or even looked at TVs or monitors in like... probably over 10 years. I think my current monitor is about 10 years old, maybe 8 or 9 minimum? So... I go... "okay, I just need a TV and maybe a wireless receiver or something and I'll be good, I guess?" Because I've seen people cast stuff from their phones to TVs before, so I know it's a thing, and... okay, I'm gonna simplify this thought because I'm super tired. I felt super old. TVs and monitors are basically the same thing, and TVs now all have operating systems and shit on them? Which I don't really... need, honestly. And monitors are not the right size for what I'm looking for. So it just kinda culture shocked me a bit, I guess. Like every fucking TV has a Siri built into it now, it's odd to me. But, I'm pretty sure I found a TV that has Chromecast built into it, and that might (and I stress, might) do what I want it to do. So I might opt for that.

Okay, seriously, I shit you not, I am doing all of this to avoid fucking advertisements and avoid being cornered and peer-pressured and forced into buying a subscription to something. I just want to watch my YouTube, maybe some Netflix stuff on my family account? And Twitch when I'm in the mood. And play Xbox sometimes. And not be bombarded by fucking ads. That's all. I don't think that's too much to ask. And my computer can do that. But I can't do that in my comfy chair at my computer. So...

Okay, I've lost interest in this, I'm sure anyone reading had long before I did. I just felt old doing that. Looking at tech nowadays and just getting frustrated because everything is made to "make things easier", on the assumption that you want to do what they want you to do. And then they intentionally engineer it to be super difficult to do things they might not want you to do. And they really don't talk about that part much, you know? So yeah, ease-of-use? Definitely. But not user-friendly. And I am straight up NOT shelling out that kinda cash for an ad machine, sorry. I might've tolerated it in the past to a degree, but targeting schizophrenia injection medications to someone in extreme isolation during the pandemic every fucking day is... abuse of advertising privileges. It's really fucked up. You don't target people with mental health issues and try to sell them medications, you are not doctors, you are not prescribers, we cannot buy these medications, just stop. Until they put a little more work into actually getting their demographics right, I'm not willing to pay that kind of price so that someone can make a few pennies. I feel like they could be advertising booze to recovering alcoholics and would not give half a shit. Oh shit, let's not forget the Reddit ads I was getting for bulletproof vests when I was moving to the city for the first time, really fucking helping the mental health crisis in our country there, assholes.

Tired. Okay. Good vibes, let's find them. Played the Ancestors game again tonight. Had a surprisingly good story line this time. Rescued a male, the two females got pregnant, then rescued another female after the male was tragically mauled by one of the 20,000 gigantic mean-ass cats around. The new female was sent out on an expedition to explore. She ended up finding where the old settlement was, surprisingly not too far away. And came really close to dying from a snakebite, like barely survived. Then she found a male stranded in a tree, dying of thirst with a gigantic anaconda nest at the base of the tree. She went to get him a coconut, but fell from the tree and broke her arm. She still soldiered up and got him the coconut, he joined her, they started heading back to the settlement. The male told her to stay put and went to get something to help with the broken bone, he gets sliced up by a big cat and they both have to book it. He's bleeding out. They make it to a river and patch both of their wounds. The river happens to be the one that the settlement is at, at the top of the waterfall. They breed, and at the end of the recording tonight, I had to figure out how to make them give birth. Yep, you have to manually give birth to offspring, it's not like... wait for them to mature, it's like... welp, you're pregnant so... give birth whenever I guess. It totally makes sense... But, logical fallacy aside, three babies were born. So I'm not locked anymore, and the tribe has a chance to grow and evolve. Yay.

[the-immortal-asshole]

I need advice my fellows on the internet.

I am currently taking a semester off uni and I am looking for a job, which is hard af in my tiny hometown. I have sent my cv to every fuckin place I could think of. Now, my mother helped get an interview at a bakery for me, which I am grateful for. I had written down that it would be at 2 pm and then it was actually at 10 am because life hates me and I am dumb. So I got a phone number to call in such case but my mother was furious. Which I was expecting but she threw at me some real baseless stuff.

Like I almost got a job as a receptionist a few weeks ago but then they called and saod a family member of theirs wiil take it instead. I have been searching for jobs since.

My mother said that I do not want to actually work and that I am not taking this seriously. How am I going get a job if I am such a screw up piece of shit basically. Which was nice to hear as someone currently battling with depression.

I watch stuff and play games most of the time because I have nothing better to do because I do not have a job. Suddenly I should sit in my room all day and not touch my laptop or she will throw it out. I do clean around the house when they are at work just fyi so I do help out.

Mother tell me what the fuck else am I, a person in the 21st century, supposed to do in my free time?

Y'all hot any advice in such a situation?

[writingsofmax]

Tag 10 people you want to get to know better!

shout out to @finniestoncrane and @mietko for tagging me!

relationship status: in a relationship, honestly my claim to fame here is that I feel like I'm living the edward nashton dream bc my boo has messy wavy brown hair and the same glasses. They genuinely look like how people draw Eddie on here. They always have to stop and play those weird claw drop games you see in restaurants/malls/grocery stores and try to win it. They make me play the Wordle every day lmao. They're a huge fan of retro gaming and work as a computer IT specialist like..... anyway I'm so in love with them. OH ALSO when I first saw the Dano character Klitz, I thought it was a picture of my partner when they were younger, like they looked EXACTLY like that. They looked so identical to Klitz when they were younger that it freaks me out and I have not watched the movie bc of it lol

favourite colour: favorite color of all time is blue, favorite color scheme is blue, purple and pink, but I am also a big fan of blue and green. we love cool tones in this house. favourite food: icecream, candy, hot chocolate, regular chocolate, I'm like... Queen Sweet Tooth 😅 song stuck in your head: Decatur, or, Round Of Applause For Your Step-Mother! by Sufjan Stevens bc I am a sad sad girl that loves folk music. Runner up is Moon I Already Know by Mount Eerie Bc (see above) time: 8:23 pm! dream trip: Ireland or Scotland (specifically Edinburgh) or Oregon/Washington Pacific Northwest Rainforest area

last book you read: Goodnight Pun Pun by Inio Asano (manga) I've read the whole series before years ago but I'm slowly collecting the physical copies of it. last book you enjoyed reading: I love Goodnight Pun Pun but since that's technically a manga I’ll do a diff one, I really liked reading Lovely Dark and Deep by Amy Mcnamara. It's about a girl that's really depressed after a significant loss and goes to live with her artist dad in a remote area of Maine.

last book you hated reading: Little Weirds by Jenny Slate. There's some good moments in there that shine but I feel like the rest of the book is trying really hard to be quirky/weird and indie and it doesn't come off as genuine at all.

bonus! favourite thing to cook/bake: since I got sick I haven't been baking or cooking much but it used to be making pies. I loved making pies. favourite craft to do in your free time: painting and drawing/making comics, but also now: writing :) most niche dislike: I hate the saying "work smarter not harder" because 9 times out of 10 when someone has said that to me they proceed to do whatever they are talking about in the most half-assed way and then you have to do it over again anyway from scratch to do it the correct way and I just. I hate it. opinion on circus(es): I don't like how they treat their animals, l feel like I see so many horror stories about how monkeys, bears, elephants etc are treated in circuses. The aesthetic fucking slaps though. Also? I love clowns they are supposed to be fun and cute and I like them and they have cool makeup.

do you have a sense of direction: Yes, I'm pretty good with a compass and a map too! I used to love doing wilderness navigation and things like that.

I’m tagging @thelychee and @enigmacorps and @teenagezombiekryptonite ((but feel free to ignore if you don’t want to obviously!!!))

[simpsamaa]

Haikyuu Captains Dating HC’s

Have some dating headcanons with some of the captains in Haikyuu because i’m not a total simp for captains. 

I also kinda got carried away with Kuroo’s- I just love him so much-

Also Bokuto’s is kinda suggestive- so- warning?

--------------------------------------------------

also my requests are open

so you can request characters from BNHA or Haikyuu for headcanons or scenarios 

Daichi Sawamura

Okay

When you start dating this man, you automatically become the mom for the team

Well second mom cause Suga’s the first mom.

You guys meet because you become a manager with Kiyoko and thus start a friendship with Daichi

and it leads on to more-

Will use stupid dad jokes on you when you feel down

Is the type of bf who would send you good night and good morning texts

He acts like an alarm clock for you

He will send you the good morning text at a certain time just to wake you up

Also so you have time to get ready in the morning, cause he’s a loving boyfriend

I expect this guy to be into PDA

But like

it’s just hand holding when you guys are in public

When you guys are alone, 

cuddles, hugs, kisses, etc.

but every time you guys do something affectionate the team makes fun of you.

You guys act like an old married couple

Will take you out on the cutest dates

Wear his jersey to one of his games and his receives will be spot on

same with his spikes and serves

Honest to the team you’re a lucky charm so-

“Dai-kun, how are the first years?” You asked your boyfriend as the two of you entered the gym. Only the third and second years were in there, the first years were still taking an exam. 

“Hmm, Tsukishima and Kageyama need to work on their interaction with the team, Hinata has been hyper as always, and Yamaguchi has some good progress on his jump serves.” Your black haired lover explained, making you smile at how he talked about his teammates.

“How have Tsukki and Tobio been working together? I think they’re the only ones who can’t sync properly” You said, crossing your arms while watching Nishinoya receive another spike from Tanaka.

“Well,” Daichi started with a deadpan look on his face, “Kageyama and Tsukishima can sync, they just argue over it half of the time.” He finished, making you laugh at the thought of them arguing.

“Mmh, maybe a training exercise for the both of them?” You asked, grabbing one of Daichi’s hands into your own, playing with his fingers.

“That might work, but-” “OI DAI-SAN STOP MAKING US FEEL LONELY” Tanaka cut off Daichi as he saw that you were playing around with the captains fingers. 

“YEAH DAICHI-SAN, NOT ALL OF US HAVE AN ADORABLE SHORT GIRLFRIEND” Nishinoya joined in, making you glare at Nishinoya.

“I’M NOT THAT SHORT” You yelled back to the male with spiked hair. “YOU’RE SHORTER THEN ME��� Noya yelled back.

Daichi let out a sigh, watching his girlfriend bicker with his teammates with a small chuckle. 

“God, I love her so much”

We stan Daichi

HE CAN COOK

Will cook you lunch

In the end

100% husband material 

Also call him daddy

Oikawa Tooru

Now let’s talk about this flat ass man

He loves PDA

Will tell you he loves you

Will grab your hand, pull you onto his lap, kiss you in front of his fangirls-

He means the best-

Loves it when you wear his clothes-

Wear his jersey, his hoodies, his track jacket 

He loves it

Cause it shows that you’re his

He’s lowkey possessive 

Hates it when you and Iwaizumi team up on him

“Flatass oikawa“ Is your nickname for him

jkjkjk

It’s Tooru

Yes you call him by his first name cause we’re basic bitches here okay

You’re basically the unofficial manager of the team cause you care about them too much

They all love you

Sends you good morning and good night texts with his face

cause he’s like that

And Oiks gets jealous

Will wake you up at three am to take you out to see the stars

and look for aliens 

Honestly-

“TOORU OIKAWA DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?“ You exclaimed to your boyfriend as he dragged you out of the window, sitting on the roof at three fourteen in the morning.

“I know it’s late, but Y/n-chan,” The brown haired male started, “there’s a meteor shower and there could be aliens. So we have to watch tonight,” he explained making you sigh. 

You knew you weren’t getting out of this. 

“Don’t you have morning practice?“ You asked, locking your hues with his chocolate coloured ones. He gave you a smile before turning his head up to look at the stars, “Maybe, but that doesn’t concern you,” 

You scrunched your eyebrows before hitting Tooru’s shoulder with your own, “It does concern me,” you started, glaring at the male. You were looking at his side profile. “You’re my boyfriend, and I love your team, of course i’m concerned,” you finished making his eyes widen.

Giving you a small smile, he pulled you in to a side hug, leaning his head on your shoulder.

“Let’s just watch the stars tonight and not care about what happens later”

You and Oikawa miss the next day of school cause the both of you are tired from staying up all night-

I don’t think Oikawa can cook

but-

The meals his fan girls give to him-

eat them sis

He’ll never know anyway

His fangirls learn to like you too, because Oikawa likes you

and they like everything Oikawa likes-

though there are some of the delusional fans who think Oiks is just using you

Which he’s not btw

but take care of this baby-

he needs some love

In the end

100% Tooru material 

Kuroo Tetsurou

Can we talk about this gif for a second-

Like the fourth season did him so good

LIKE I’M SO PROUD

lowkey daddy material-

ANYGAYS

ON TO THE HC’S

He adores you 

like

A D O R E S Y O U

If you try a different style or change your hair style, he thinks it’s adorable

He’s highkey a simp for you

Loves PDA

He loves to grab your thigh when he sits next to you

he’s a thigh guys alright-

Loves kissing you in front of people

etc the whole team-

in front of Daishou-

Does get jealous sometimes, but only if he doesn’t know the person

You and Yaku are mom friends

After all, you do have to take care of a 187cm child

Kuroo lowkey think’s it hot how much you care about people and take care of people-

Study dates are a yes with him

You’ll go to little cafes with him-

CAT CAFES-

Sends you good morning texts at five am

and good night texts at four am

cause ISTG this man does not sleep-

Loves to tease you

If you’re shorter then him-

You’ll be called chibi-chan

Cough Yagami Yato Vibes COUGH

Loves it when you hug him

It makes him feel like a giant 

which he is but- ight

LOVES TO KISS YOU TO DIStract you

You’ll be doing homework in his room and he’ll pull you into a breathless kiss and leave you wanting more-

like-

You twirled your mechanical pencil in your fingers, you eyes glanced down at your homework, science. 

You weren’t the best at it, nor were you the worst but you still had trouble with it. Taking off your glasses, you rubbed at your temples before trying to solve the equation once more. 

Tetsurou glanced into his room, his gold hues stopping at your figure hunched over his desk, homework in front of you. Turning around he got a glass of water and walked into his room once more.

“You’re going to get wrinkles early if you keep doing that face,” The black haired male teased, making you groan and press your forehead against the dark wood of his desk. 

“i don’t get how you like science? It’s so boooring,” you groaned, the pencil rolling out of your hand onto the desk.

You heard your boyfriend chuckle before hearing him walk over to you. You raised your head, watching as his golden hues skimmed over the paper before he let out a small ‘pfft’. 

“This is easy,” he said before explaining it.

You gasp as you finally get it, pushing Tetsurou’s hands away and grabbing your pencil, you began to scribble  the answer down, only to be pulled into a heated kiss. 

Kuroo’s tongue pushing past your lips to meet yours. Your eyes were wide, face slightly pink and hands curled up into loose fists gripping his shirt. You were about to close your eyes before he pulled away, a large smirk formed on his face as he saw you. 

“You need to get back to your paper, I guess i’ll leave you alone”

Let’s just say- you did not get the paper finished, but it was a good outcome-

Okay-

I’m like thirsting Kuroo-

So this is long as fuck-

Kuroo can cook basic things

Will cook for you only if you ask

But if oyu cook for him-

He’s whipped

100% Daddy Boyfriend material

Bokuto Koutarou

Season four bokuto got me feeling some way-

like-

they did my baBY SO GOOD

ANYGAYS-

Hyper boy loves PDA

Will hold you when he has the time to-

Loves to kiss you

Even when Akaashi tells him that it’s going against the school rules-

Loves the difference between your hand and his

The way your hand is so small compared to his

and soft

his hands are huge btw-

Loves to call you pet names 

Birdy, Baby bird, dove etc..

Lots of bird related ones-

Loves it when you go to practice and his games

His spikes will be on p o i n t 

You and Akaashi are buddies

You both have to deal with this hyper male-

Like Kuroo he loves your thighs

if the two of you are cuddling-

hands on thighs

and ass-

He loves to hold you-

Sends you good morning texts at six in the morning

and good night texts at nine pm

This man actually sleeps i think-

The team loves you

You raise bokuto from his lowest on the court.

Will state how much he loves you everyday

“Y/N I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK“

“Y/N I LOVE YOU MORE THEN HINATA LOVES VOLLEYBALL“

yk?

Will get very whiny when you try to do something other then love him

Becomes depressed bokuto until you give him the love and affection he deserves.

Bokuto wasn’t at his best today at all. His spikes were off, his serves either hit the net or went out of bounce. Why, you might ask. well today you decided to get up early without waking up your boyfriend and go to school without waking him up. 

You walked into practice, scrolling threw something on your phone. Quickly looking up you gave the team a small smile before going to sit on the benches, your eyes going back to your phone. 

Bokuto let out another groan as you did’t give him a hug or a kiss or any type of affection. Akaashi soon caught on to what you were doing and marched over to where you were on the bench.

“Y/n-san stop ignoring bokuto-san,” the dark haired male said making you look up at his tall figure before giving him a small laugh. “how did you figure me out?” you asked while standing up and brushing your skirt. 

“Bokuto gets in his depressed mode when you ignore him,” The younger male stated before turning his body so you could see the spiked haired male whining.

You gave the second year a smile before walking over to your whining boyfriend. 

“kou are you alright?” you asked pressing a kiss to his cheek as he was hunched over. Golden hues locked into yours before Bokuto pulled you into his muscular chest.

“Are you done ignoring me?” his whispered as he nipped your ear.

“Yes sir“ you quietly responded, eyes darting around, making sure no one was looking at the two of you.

“that’s a good girl, now go over there and wait for me. You’ll get what you deserve after practice”

-------------------------- 

Okay well we’re done for now with these headcanons- i started this in july and only finished it now-

anygays- I hope you enjoyed these and if you have characters you want me to write a scenario or headcanons. just ask!!

BTW DID YOU KNOW: Oikawa is taller then bokuto, but Bokuto weighs more. That ass got weight that Oikawa’s non-existent ass doesn’t have-

i love you guys💗

✨thank you for reading!!✨

[miwtze]

distance (ushijima wakatoshi x reader)

cw: depression, intrusive thoughts, ushi might be ooc idk 

wc: 1.9k of utter dogshit i HATE this 

distance wasn’t uncommon between you and ushijima. you knew ushijima had to focus on volleyball and he knew you had times where you were unable to attend to yourself much less him. maybe that’s why you two have lasted as long as you did, you weren’t suited for love but neither was he, so you thought that maybe you guys would have a chance. he called mutual respect, and while that might be true to some extent, to you it just felt like he settled with you for convenience. you weren’t stupid. you knew that like everyone else in this world, ushijima craved affection but that was the extent of his relationship. you believed he did not need to love you. in fact he probably couldn’t. you were not loveable. how could another love a person so void of life; of course they couldn’t. you loved him but he didn't love you. you thought maybe that was enough for you, but as a human you’re selfish. you want your own form of comfort and if that means ending things with ushijima after six years of dating then so be it. as your gentle fingers continue to thread bead after bead through the wire, you wonder if your relationship between you and ushijima would snap like the thin wire in between your finger. you’re pulled from your thoughts when you hear the front door open. when ushijima pops his head out of the hall way and into the living room you greet him.

“hey, welcome back.” ushijima looks as beat up as you feel; sunken in eyes and dried sweat on his forehead. “i didn’t think you’d be back so soon, do you want me to make dinner while you shower?”

“hello.” he looks down at the beads in your hands, frowning. he knows they’re the same kind you had strung together for him when you confessed to him at 18, the same one he adorns on his wrist like an olympic medal. “did you do anything all day except play with beads?” he didn’t mean to come off like that, he wanted to talk but he didn’t know how to go about it. his indifference only made the statement come off worse, he knew this, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak up. ushijima was tired, no he was exhausted. he wanted to help you but he couldn’t cross the distance to meet you. not when your empty eyes are waiting for him on the other side.

“so no dinner then.” you want him to object. you want him to tell you that he wants to eat dinner with you, to talk to you. you want something, anything. you want ushijima wakatoshi to love you because you don’t want to leave.

“yeah no dinner tonight.”

“c’mon we haven’t hung out in forever. let’s go out and drink, it’s fine if you start crying. we all miss you,” your friend begs on the other end of the line. “i’ll come get you at six, yeah? yeah?” you smile, it felt nice knowing your presence was wanted even if it was for a little bit.

“yeah i’ll be ready at six.” you hear your friend excitedly end the call as you flop onto the bed. you need to go out. you knew it wasn’t good for you to stay inside and mope about how unloved you were. you knew you had to try just a little more, just for yourself. the little steps you had been making the couple years like cleaning your clothes, eating , going to classes, doing the works seemed completely mundane but it helped you help yourself. if nothing else you wanted to try and cross the distance yourself, maybe with ushijima on the other side maybe not.

by the time six rolls around you’ve showered and dressed up to the nines. you’ve never felt as pretty as you did in that moment and you think it has something to do with wanting to be better and much less the wings on your eyelids. as you fall into your friend’s car you’re greeted with two more of your friends and a bottle of alcohol. we’re pre-gaming before we drink some more at ayasski’s, they explain. giggling you join them getting inebriated and melting into the arms of your friends. as the night gets longer, your friends gently probe you about ushijima knowing you well enough to know something wasn’t okay.

“i think it’s kind of stupid to be in a relationship where someone can’t love you,” you giggle the blush reaching up to your cheeks. “i love him so, so, so much so i have to break up with him. i know he’s not happy with me.” you friends wrap their arms around you, booing.

“it’s his loss there’s literally no reason to not be happy with you,” you friend shouted, you could disagree ten times over. the hope that blossomed in your chest earlier today’s as completely shot down when you realized you weren’t a person meant to get better. you tossed another shot back. “but he seemed really happy when we saw you two at your graduation last year.”

“it’s been a year. what does it even matter, we got together to party not talk about my problems,” you laugh pulling them from the kitchen into the living room. you spend the night talking catching up, telling them about your first year at the company you work for, how much you missed them, about how much you missed ushijima (you couldn’t help it you were tipsy). you realize how much you've missed talking to someone about trivial matters. you missed having no distance with people. how did things get so far away with ushijima you wonder.

at some point you black out and when you finally come around you’re tucked into your friend’s bed sandwiched between your friends. you gently untangle yourself from them and wash up in the bathroom. the cold water pulling you from your drowsiness and straight into the deep end of the nastiest hangover you’ve probably ever had. “wake up losers, i'm making breakfast for our nasty ass hangovers,” you yawn as you make your way out of the bedroom. your friends shuffle around groaning telling you to shut up and we’ll be there in a bit. shuffling around the kitchen you begin making pancakes and as you wait for the batter to cook you pick up your phone. your stomach drops when you realize you have three missed calls and a couple texts from ushijima. you forgot to tell him you were going out, you honestly didn’t think he would care.

[wakatoshi ♡]

8:18 pm | I’m going to be home late today. Don’t worry about dinner.

8:18 pm | I’ll make something when I get home.

it’s not lost on you that he texted you he wouldn’t be home at an angel number. the universe was playing its jokes on you but you can’t seem to find the humor.

[wakatoshi ♡]

11:24 pm | Did you go out?

11:36 pm | When will you be home?

12:01 am | Please be quiet when you return home. Goodnight.

you laugh at his punctualness, identifiable even through text. as your friends file in and fill themselves up, you head out beginning your trek home. by the time you get home your feet hurt almost as much as your head. you bend over to free your feet from the shackles of your stupid fucking heels. “objectively i would’ve looked just as pretty with a pair of flats,” you grumble rubbing the budding blisters on your feet.

“you’re pretty in general so i doubt your attractiveness changes depending on what footwear you wear.” you snap your head up, blinking owlishly at ushijima. he places his hand out in front of you waiting for you to take it. when you do, he pulls you up and into his arms carrying you into the room. you really don’t know how to react, especially with your brain pounding for a whole new reason. cautiously, you turn your head to look up at ushijima as he sets you down, leaning up to place a kiss on his chin. you wait for a reaction, a response, anything you can get but all he does is turn around and walk out. it was as if he tied the beaded bracelet on your wrist just to yank it off.

you can’t help but sob into a pillow, what else were you supposed to do. you built yourself up to leave him only to be broken down by the tiniest bit of affection. ushijima had his hands around your throat and you couldn’t get it off you no matter what you did. you loved him so much, you couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t love you back. your throat constricted, your sobs got heavy. you froze when you heard the bedroom door open. you could’ve sworn you’ve been crying for ages but only a couple minutes had passed. you held your breath as ushijima sat next to you, running his fingers through your hair. your heart beat pitifully and tears began to spill through your eyelashes again. you’re so fucking stupid, berating yourself never once allowing yourself to consider the feelings ushijima tried to awkwardly convey to you. “what happened? did something happen when you went out?” you sob louder. how could he be so unaware. “it was me wasn’t it.” you froze. “i actually would like to talk about this so when you’re calmer, may we?” you whisper out a simple yes in return feeling the nasty rope of anxiety tie knots in your stomach.

your thoughts spiraled, what did he want to talk about, did he really not love you, were you really just a small rock in the middle of his garden, were you something much more disgusting to him. he pulls you out of your thoughts just as quickly as he dropped you in them. quite literally. he pulls you onto his lap tucking your head into his chest and wraps his arm around your waist, playing with your hair once again. you two stay like that for what feels like decades. you can’t remember the last time you felt like he wanted to be around you, much less a time where he held you. gentle you pull away from his chest to face your unnerving anxieties.

“h-hey,” you whisper gently. you don’t miss the way his eyes soften at your voice. he doesn’t know how long it’s been since he’s heard your voice for something other than small talk. he missed your warmth, your voice, he missed you. so much. ushijima wanted to do better for you. when you seem to gain your resolve you finally give voice to the anxieties that planted it’s nasty seed in your thoughts. “have you ever loved me?” before you can get a response you continue, “i know i’m not lovable but are you with me for convenience. do you just deal with me? do i burden you with-”

“i am absolutely enthralled by you but i have no clue how to go about it.” he takes your face in the palm of his hands, brushing your tears away. “i want to try and do better. our distance is growing and i don’t like it at all. i understand we don’t have the most convenient relationship but i don’t want to end it because you mean so much to me.”

“i don’t want to end it either. i know it’s hard. i know it is, but you really think we could do it?” he smiles at you and it was as if a wall was broken down, not a big one but one that you had set up so you wouldn’t acknowledge ushijima or his feelings towards you.

“i know we can.”

[sarcasticfina]

Fic Writer Tag Game

How many works do you have on AO3? 263

What’s your total AO3 word count? 4,901,188

How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they? including the fandoms on FFnet, that haven't yet been moved over to ao3, that'd be a total of 37. separating the larger fandoms (marvel, dcu) into their individual parts: Thor; Arrow; Smallville; The Vampire Diaries; Glee; Captain America; Supernatural; Teen Wolf; Iron Man; Life with Derek; Firefly; Friday Night Lights; X-Men; Fantastic Four; Harry Potter; Sons of Anarchy; Girl Meets World; Batman; Daredevil; From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series; Transformers; Lost Girl; Game of Thrones; Banshee; High School Musical; The OC; One Tree Hill; CSI: New York; Degrassi; Gossip Girl; NCIS; The Unusuals; Criminal Minds; iCarly; Secret Life of the American Teenager; Twilight; and The Listener

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. and I wonder (if everything could ever feel this real forever) - darcy/bucky - Steve tells him that Darcy's harmless. Bucky imagines, on paper, Darcy is harmless. HYDRA wouldn't give her a second glance. But he does. He can barely keep his eyes off her. He's not sure he wants to. | Kudos: 5576

2. I Climbed The Tree To See The World (When The Gusts Came Around To Blow Me Down, I Held On As Tightly As You Held On To Me) - darcy centric | darcy/steve - The path to self-discovery, including becoming Coulson's assistant-slash-liaison-slash-bff, Captain America's lady love, and rating fourth on the SHIELD BAMF scale, was like the yellow brick road; it was chaos and confusion around every bend. | Kudos: 3973

3. Take a little piece of my heart (and keep it for yourself) - oliver/felicity - A collection of Olicity prompts on Tumblr posted here for easier access/reading. | Kudos: 3498

4. You put your arms around me (and I'm home) - darcy/bucky - A collection of Darcy/Bucky oneshots, drabbles, and prompt fills. | Kudos: 3293

5. you (anchor me back down) - darcy/bucky - "I'll be right back." Famous last words. | Kudos: 2747

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? not all of them. i do try to keep up on them, especially on longer stories when there's been significant wait times in between chapters, or when a reader is asking a question or is unclear on something. and especially when someone writes a really indepth comment/review, i like to respond to those and talk about motivations and character growth.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? I've written a number of fics that either had suicide or major character death, so i'm not sure if one outranks the other in terms of most angsty... hmm... i remember "be still and know that I'm with you (be still and know that I am here)" and "light a match, burn the world to ash (I will watch it die, and hold your hand as I fly)" both got some pretty intense reactions when they were posted. And "It's Your Song That Sets Me Free (I Sing It While I Feel I Can't Go On)" was basically just angst from beginning to end. buuuuut, i think i'll say "so you think you can tell (heaven from hell" was, only because there's a build up of everything going so right, only to pivot at the end, so it feels very bittersweet.

Do you write crossovers? If so what’s the craziest one you’ve written? i loooooove crossovers. i find writing in the marvel fandom makes things quite easy, but also smallville. as long as i can find a common thread, i enjoy finding a way to overlap two shows. i'll say the hardest one to write was "ruby red slippers (unavailable in her size)." I'm not sure why, but i found writing each personality together just felt strange. i liked the idea behind the story, but i definitely remember feeling like i was really forcing myself to keep going, like something just didn't fit right.

Have you ever received hate on a fic? oh, definitely. you cannot please everyone, it's impossible. for the most part, hate comes and i either argue back, take the criticism for what it's worth, or just ignore it when it's baseless. i think the hate that bothered me the most was a homophobic PM someone sent me re: "you know I will adore you ('til eternity)," on FFnet. i actually went and searched it up. they've since blocked me so i can't read our whole thread back and forth. but i did put part of it on tumblr so i could rant on it a bit, so you can see that here.

Do you write smut? If so what kind? ha. yes. depending on the story, it can be really detailed or really flowery. it depends on the ship, the plot, and how graphic i feel like being. i've definitely become more comfortable over the years with my writing. that said, i think everybody likes something different. i once had a reviewer tell me a sex scene was too much, just too intense. it was a stefan/caroline story and to be fair, that entire oneshot was just them fucking, lol, but it is what it is. to each their own.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Multiple times.

Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes! for the record, i am always happy to have my stories translated and shared. i just like having a link sent to me and to be credited.

What’s your all time favorite ship? i have a list of OTPs, because interests change and as shows come and go, my love for a ship can be shelved for a while before it pops back up at random. currently, i can't get enough of buck/eddie from 9-1-1. and, historically, chloe/oliver (smallville) and felicity/oliver (arrow) have been two of my top OTPs. but i think i'd have to go with bonnie/damon. they had all the potential and the show dropped the ball by not exploring it. at the same time, that's kind of a blessing, because i don't trust those writers to properly explore what they had without eventually destroying it for the likes of de/ena. it means a treasure trove for writing where it could have gone and all the what if's.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish, but don’t think you ever will? the intention is always to finish. but given how i feel about allison mack and how that impacts my feelings re: chloe sullivan, pretty much anything with her as a main character is not something i see myself returning to.

What are your writing strengths? What are your writing weaknesses? i'm putting these together because my strength is my weakness. i love to write. when i get an idea, i go all in and i will skip eating and sleeping to just write write write. but i also eventually hit a wall and i get so many ideas that i hyperfocus on one until the steam is gone and then i hyperfocus on the next one to maintain that need to keep writing, accidentally leaving the last story in the dust for entirely too long. i also have clinical depression that comes and goes, which hasn't been super great mixed with covid and isolation, so more often recently, i find myself overly exhausted and despite wanting to write, can rarely get motivated to do so. so, pre-covid, wrote so much i left entirely too many stories dangling. during covid, i've just been reading and struggling to get myself focused enough to do what i love.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? i appreciate the authenticity when possible, but i've recently been reading more about how native speakers of other languages feel when a) their language is butchered by google translate, or b) it's just not genuine in terms of how bilingual speakers act or speak.

What was the first fandom you’ve written for? it was smallville, but i remember adopting it out to someone else because i wasn't going to finish it. so if you look at my ffnet, the first fandom i wrote for appears to be x-men: the movie, but i remember writing a chloe/oliver story prior to that.

What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written? i have a lot. i mean, on ffnet, i have 576 stories, many of which were transferred over to ao3, with a lot of oneshots and drabbles getting joined together into collections. so there's a ton to pick from that span a 14-ish year timeline.

"you know I will adore you ('til eternity)" and "let me break (the walls that surround me)" hold a special place in my heart.

honestly, each story is important in its own way. there are bits and pieces of each that i love. every time i write something new it feels like my favorite. my best. and then a new idea comes along. there are scenes i've written that i loved more than the whole of what they became. lines that stand out that are almost too good to be a part of the larger picture.

one of my all time favorite passages i've written was bonnie's thoughts on damon and herself in 'if you love me (let me go)":

He is far from perfect. He is a novel of red, corrective ink. He is frayed pages and torn binding. His life, his choices, his mistakes leave lasting effects on everyone he meets.

She is a lifeboat with a hole in it. An anchor that drowns in the sea while everyone else remains steady above. She is both the calm and the storm, and while she screams that she will not be tamed, she cries. Bittersweet tears that go unnoticed and uncared about.

there are other stories, other pieces of dialogue, that i've been proud of. that make me laugh when i re-read them. that make me cry. and i love them. there are others that make me wilt and cringe and regret. it's a process. love and pride and growth, all bound together.

Tagging: @absentlyabbie, @anonymous033, and anyone else who'd like to fill this all out, haha

[roguish-gallery]

Rogues + Internet/Social Media HCs!

Hello!!! this was requested by @geniusbee I struggled a bit with the initial prompt, so I kinda broadened the question, I hope you don’t mind! Once I got the ball rolling with this one, it was super fun to work on! Thank you again for your request!

If anyone wants to, feel free to send me send me more requests! I’d love to do more of these!

Everything is under the Read More bc this got LONG AS FUCK. (Slight TW for sexual references!)

Bane:

Doesn’t use social media. point blank

He’ll surf the web mostly for research or for communication purposes, but that’s mostly it... That being said sometimes he DOES look up stuff for fun because he’s a naturally curious guy who had limited access to education for the first 20-ish years of his life. It sends him down a rabbit hole of researching weird shit and sometimes you’ll catch him up at 4:00 am looking up how bread was made in Ancient Rome or what Cock and Ball Torture is bc he heard Joker say it once and he’s never EVER fucking heard of those words strung together like that before

Also… his fingers are simply too beefy for most keyboards. Dude tryna sit down and send Scandal Savage some fun cookie recipes she could try with her GF like

 Catwoman:

Not a lot to say here but tbh she probably has the most normal internet habits of everyone. Helps to promote cat shelter’s web pages, and will use some light hacking to find the locations of fur factories and animal abusers but that’s mostly it?

If she isn’t already an influencer, she has definitely considered it. Will sometimes post selfies of her wearing stolen jewelry just to flex. Has a legion of simps.

Clayface

Unknowingly gets into kin drama without trying to

He has... so many theather blogs, musical blogs, and obscure film blogs... someone help him... somehow he regularly adds shit to ALL OF THEM. 

He’s that one bitch who hoards all the canon URLs and there’s nothing you can fucking do to stop him.

Harley Quinn:

Her computer is slow and buggy as shit because she’s got so many viruses from trying to download flash games. Edward refuses to fix her computers at this point because he knows it’s a lost cause.

She vlogs sometimes, actually! And she’ll drag her hyenas or any of the rogues/batfam/GCPD she’s hanging out with atm into it.

She likes to go onto anxiety or depression forums and anonymously leave nice, helpful advice :)

Joker:

Mostly on the dark web, doing… things that you do on the dark web...

If he’s ever on the clean web I promise it’s only to start kin drama or to dm fucked up shit to random people he finds.

Has been known to catfish when the mood strikes him

Also? He jumps onto RP forums and either plays the SHITTIEST Batman, or an eerily accurate Batman.

Killer Croc:

He likes looking up funny videos online!!! Also! Art tutorials!!

He likes to post his artwork online under a pseudonym. He doesn’t expect anyone to really pay attention to his work, but it’s always a very pleasant surprise when someone likes or leaves a nice comment on his art.

 He genuinely cherishes all of his followers and the kind interactions he shares with them.

Mad Hatter:

It’s just hat porn and hentai. I’m sorry.

Mr. Freeze:

Normal internet habits tbh. Doesn’t really go on the internet that often because he doesn’t particularly care about keeping up to date with what’s happening.

He used to have a Facebook where he’d post pictures of himself and Nora, but he can’t really do that anymore due to obvious reasons.

Penguin:

Lightly dabbles in dark web shit (for business purposes) but otherwise he’s like an old man on the internet. Checks the stock market and shit. Responds to his emails in a timely manner. He keeps track of everyone’s internet presence but that’s mostly because he enjoys drama and he doesn’t want to be out of the loop in case Eddie starts something again and he needs to know WHY Jervis and Pamela can’t be in the Iceberg at the same time without trying to kill each other.

He REFUSES to make a social media account for the Iceberg Lounge!!!! It is too classy for that!!!

Other than that, though… don’t tell anyone… but he keeps some tabs open on some 🥺🥺🥺 some bird forums and uh 🥺🥺🥺 m🥺🥺🥺 maybe some blogs he has that are all about Jane Austen and Star Trek: The Next Generation 🥺🥺🥺🥺 n-not like he LIKES Star Trek, though!!

Also in Batman #448 it shows that him and Batman canonically play chess with each other online and you know what? That’s cute as hell so I’m gonna say that they still do that.

Poison Ivy:

Surprising no one… she mostly blogs about botany

Will ONLY go onto other parts of the internet to like and share Harley, Selina, or Waylon’s posts and THAT'S IT!!!!

She is not above getting petty in the comment section!! If she finds a video of some clown over-watering their ferns she will absolutely let them know and she will not be polite about it.

Riddler:

Canonically has the best hookup and 100% is the most active online. Like yeah he does a lot of hacking shit but he uses the internet for legit stuff too.

PURPOSEFULLY looks himself up and will argue with anyone who talks smack about him on literally any of the search results. He WILL remember your username and he WILL publicly mock you for it when he freezes your laptop or when he takes over the broadcasting waves in Gotham again.

You KNOW he has a social media account for everything. He WILL talk about how smart and sexy he is and he WILL get around any attempts made to get him blocked, suspended, or banned. 

“You fool… I have 70  A L T E R N A T I V E  A C C O U N T S”

He is the self-proclaimed tech-guru of the Rogues. He WILL harass you if you are using the wrong web browser or if you have TOO MANY FUCKING TABS OPEN FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

He calms down somewhat once he becomes a P.I. He’ll take selfies at crime scenes and livestream himself when he’s finding clues or chasing someone down! He’s absolutely obsessed with it and he gets super popular. He knows that he shouldn’t broadcast himself solving crimes... but... the clicks... the views... his stans...

Enjoys gaming and modding whenever he has free time.

Scarecrow:

He hasn’t been in a classroom in years but if you looked at his internet habits you would think he’s still teaching psychology at Gotham U. Responds to emails responsibly (but NOT on weekends or after 10 pm!!)

Probably wouldn’t blog these days, but when he was younger he had a page where he would discuss his psychology work.

He mostly uses the internet for research or to order chemicals but he’ll often get swept up in some inane message chain with Harley and Eddie and he HATES IT.

He has like two dozen tabs open on his computer because he forgets about them and even though some of the tabs have been there for so long that he GENUINELY can’t remember why they were there, he keeps them because it makes Edward break into hives every time he tries to watch what he’s doing online. Giving Edward Nygma anxiety sweats is easy and free and should be done often.

Two-Face:

He uses incognito mode… whenever he needs to google embarrassing questions…

He likes to peruse the dark web but sometimes he enjoys hopping onto r/legaladvice and r/relationships and reads that shit like it's the Sunday paper.

If he’s bored or is having a bad mental day, he likes to look up all the Google doodle games that Google keeps archived. they’re all really cute and are a lot of fun to goof around with whenever he’s wanting to play something light and quick!

[morgan-n-cheese-91]

Rant while I’m watching

This is all season 10 the end of 9 and the begninng of 11? I think. This is copied from a chat of mine so I’m not gonna deal with the times. Please just read around them.

WAIT![7:54 PM]BITCH NO YOU CAN"T KILL CAS BITCH FUCKING NO[7:55 PM]OH SHIT[7:55 PM]OH SHIT[7:55 PM]Dean just made allllllll the mirrors frost[7:55 PM]that's nnot fucking good[7:59 PM]CAS WATCHED STAR WARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ok Sam has stopped pretending he's not scared of shit. You can clearly see the fear in his eyes now. And frankly it amazing.[11:14 PM]That sounds horrible[11:16 PM]but I'm more saying that more about Jared's acting skills.  ma dude.[11:20 PM]Sam[11:20 PM]Bro[11:21 PM]Dude[11:21 PM]nah[11:21 PM]nah Sam was complaining about Dean liking killing these vampires to much[11:24 PM]JODY IS A QUEEN AND SHE IS A GREAT MOM! TRY AND PROVE ME WRONG YOU WILL FAIL!  IS that a monster club?!?!?!?!?!?![11:27 PM]Could you settle for JB's? Was that a were shapeshifter battle?  My dude your as dead as your gf your gonna bleed out[11:29 PM]shush  MONSTER TURF WARS[11:50 PM]MONSTER MOFIEA[11:50 PM]I CAN"T FUCKING SPELL[11:52 PM]"Godfather with fangs."[11:52 PM]uh yea[11:55 PM]FUCKING SWEEDY TOD! Dean I know your bf is in a comanding roll and you think that's hot but please stop hitting on him[12:15 AM]Dam Dean.[12:15 AM]The King is back in town the king is back in town.[12:15 AM]THE King is BACK in town[12:21 AM]To the King and Queen of hell:[12:21 AM]Are we in heaven?[12:22 AM]You must be angels[12:22 AM]wow[12:24 AM]Crowley sold his soul for a longer dick[12:24 AM]pfft-[12:24 AM]I-[12:25 AM]I can't-[12:25 AM]I-[12:25 AM]OMG DUDE WHAT THE FUCK![12:25 AM]HAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!![12:26 AM]his son is so disaponted[12:30 AM]Dam Crowley's son got flame[12:30 AM]holy shit   Dean I swear to god you go all Lord of the Rings on this motherfucking blade I will pull a Tony Stark and take it way.[12:52 AM]Is this the Cas is a little girl episode?[12:55 AM]or not  I'm laughing at Metron's discribtion of Cas[12:59 AM]Dean shush[1:01 AM]Dean Cas are having a domistic[1:01 AM]and Sam's trying to medate[1:08 AM]We hate men like you[1:08 AM]He's your Leader's bf  who's a little off his rocker right now so shush[1:10 AM]Dean like the Fiddler on the roof[1:10 AM]It's canon[1:12 AM]Why is 6 afraid of 7?[1:12 AM]Cas: Prime number?????[1:12 AM]Sam: The fuck? that's like a 2nd grade riddle[1:13 AM]CAS KNOWS LOTRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![1:15 AM]SENSEBLE SHOES![1:16 AM][1:20 AM]Heaven: Your lame spring fling  Cas is dead[1:29 AM]Cas is sooooo[1:29 AM]Dead[1:30 AM]R I P[1:30 AM]Punish him[1:30 AM]Both Cas and Dean go WHAT?[1:31 AM]WHAT! OMG OMFG[1:32 AM]Pfft-[1:32 AM]Oop[1:32 AM]Rip Dean[1:34 AM]He's in love[1:34 AM]with "humanity"[1:35 AM]Thanos quoted Metatron  God Fucking dam it Dean  Dean will be glad to know that the Cubs finally win[2:12 AM]Fuck you died again Dean[2:14 AM]"you put on the flag of heaven..."[2:14 AM]Nah he put on the pan flag and then rekt y'all[2:17 AM]Dean's dead for what the 809th time?[2:17 AM]He'll be back[2:17 AM]Time will tell[2:18 AM]Sam he's fucking dead[2:18 AM]D E A D[2:18 AM]But he'll be back[2:19 AM]Chuck can't answer the phone right now[2:21 AM]ok ngl the blade doesn't really look real. It's looks like a prop[2:21 AM]Also[2:22 AM]WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK DEAN?![2:22 AM]HUH?[2:22 AM]YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD FUCKING IDEA?[2:22 AM]NO[2:22 AM]NOT A GOOD FUCKING IDEA[2:22 AM]DUMB[2:23 AM]Ok the way they played the opening of season 10 boi that was good[2:23 AM]OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo[2:23 AM]New title card[2:24 AM]Ok so I saw this somewhere but[2:25 AM]Soulless Sam, Crazy Cas, and Demon Dean, (why the fuck are all these allterations?) all at the same time would have been a riot[2:26 AM]Cas has a cold[2:27 AM]Did I just get a read suggestion for Spn x male instert, twice in a row?[2:27 AM]YES! YES I DID![2:33 AM]THe look of relisation[2:35 AM]Cas drives like a grandma[2:36 AM]He got hannah carsick[2:36 AM]and now is also dying so[2:39 AM]Sam's gonna murder Crowley and Dean[2:39 AM]Slowly[2:39 AM]and painfully[2:40 AM]If Sam exrosised Dean? What would happen?[2:40 AM]Would he just drop his body?[2:41 AM]Or would he just straight up die?[2:44 AM]How do they keep the knives up their sleeves without stabbing themselves[2:49 AM]Dean your a fucking slut yes  Sam stays quiet.[1:15 PM]Gets punch[1:16 PM]grunts[1:16 PM]"Proof of life,"[1:17 PM]OMG[1:17 PM]OMG[1:18 PM]20 y/o Dean[1:18 PM]yo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![1:18 PM]He looks so young[1:22 PM]Ignore me just skipping all the like odd sexual sences because either they're weird or I'm very embarressed by them[1:26 PM]cas is about to fall asleep behind the wheel and crash[1:31 PM]Cas is asleep on the couch  Words hurt[1:45 PM]YOU DON'T GET TO SAY SHIT  Hahahahahahahaha[1:55 PM]Omg[1:56 PM]Smoke bombb[1:56 PM]Sam has an asmatha attack[1:56 PM]Dean just looks at him[1:56 PM]like WEAK[1:57 PM]This is payback[1:57 PM]THis is dumb[1:58 PM]YES![1:58 PM]THE PRINCESS BRIDE![1:59 PM]just heals[1:59 PM]Sam just shows up and mauls him with holy water[2:03 PM]Where the fuck did you bring him Sam[2:03 PM]What is this?[2:03 PM]HAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAW[2:05 PM]Garilla man gorilla man[2:09 PM]It's DEPRESSION DEAN but he's more homosidal  You went to fa[2:37 PM]*You went to far[2:44 PM]The music is like the Skywalker theme[2:47 PM]Lets play a high stakes game of hide and seek in the bunker[2:52 PM]HERE'S DEAN![2:54 PM]You don't want to play hide and seek anymore?[2:55 PM]Heal by hug[2:55 PM]-Cas[2:56 PM]Lillo and Stich?[2:56 PM]No[2:56 PM]Ey! IT WORKED[2:56 PM]IT WORKED[2:56 PM]IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!![2:58 PM]Good plan Sam[3:01 PM]WEREWOLVES OF LONDON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![3:01 PM]AHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO![3:01 PM]AHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO![3:05 PM]Bitcoin[3:06 PM]Obama[3:06 PM]the ice caps  Did I just skip a whole episode to avoid the cringe fuck yea[4:10 PM]The two of them with cougers is the funniest thing  Ask Jeeves?[4:21 PM]More like Knives out[4:25 PM]I'm lactose intolerant[4:25 PM]Sam nice[4:25 PM]nice[4:30 PM]These ladies.[4:30 PM]Complaining about dating this guy who's 'ugly' But has an island.(edited)[4:31 PM]but thristing over Sam.[4:31 PM]Who's like I live out of my car[4:31 PM]it's not even my car[4:32 PM]It's by brother's[4:37 PM]"Not to mention Homosexuals"[4:38 PM]Don't mind me just DYING![4:38 PM]omg[4:38 PM]THE FLANNEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![4:45 PM]Dean shush[4:45 PM]your fine she's dead[4:50 PM]The snap of someone's neck sounds like a torilla chip  Cas what did you do to Jimmy?[5:14 PM]I'm sorry your kinda hot but I don't like you Hannah[5:15 PM]Hannah just dropped her vessel[5:15 PM]rip[5:22 PM]ok sometimes I feel like I care more about the car then they do  Crowley's mum?[5:30 PM]Crowley's mum[5:32 PM]The RETREAT[5:32 PM]HOW MUCH I hAVE HEARD ABOUT YOU![5:37 PM]THE 2 QUEENS![5:38 PM]Jodie's got hunting sense ON[5:38 PM]THE BOIS NO![5:38 PM]They all are gonna know y'all and blow y'all's covers no[5:40 PM]Jodie's about to comit murder[5:41 PM]dang  CAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![6:15 PM]YOUR VESSEL"S DAUGHTER"S IN TROUBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![6:16 PM]Claire's about to murder your ass[6:17 PM]Lucifer popped your head[6:17 PM]Cas your not making this any better[6:19 PM]Yes he owns a tie[6:19 PM]No he's not gonna wear it right[6:21 PM]Missionary[6:23 PM]Claire's a vibe[6:24 PM]I'm vibing with Claire[6:27 PM]Ketchups a fruit[6:29 PM]Cas she stole your wallet[6:30 PM]EARTH GRAPHIC[6:30 PM][6:32 PM]Yes[6:32 PM]No[6:32 PM]You had to roast Sam like that[6:32 PM]Dean and you would vibe with this girl[6:32 PM]JUST VIBE![6:33 PM]IT"S A FRUIT[6:33 PM]Ask Sam[6:33 PM]dean and claire are on the same wave lenth[6:33 PM]ask sam[6:35 PM]yes[6:37 PM]You're offended over you worth in pigs?[6:39 PM]Rowna thought he was worth anything from 180-300 $[6:39 PM]and Crowley thinks he was worth any were from 300-500$[6:45 PM]He's a teddy bear and you would get along with his bf[6:47 PM]All three have been there done that[6:51 PM]Really love?[6:51 PM]I feel like that would be a stretch for y'all  Charlie's coming back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![7:53 PM]go get ketchup[7:53 PM]it's hell of a lot better  i like your sword char  Bad Charlie and Meh Dean is not a good combo[9:10 PM]CHARLIE JUST TOOK THE IMPALA![9:15 PM]Charlie broke his nose[9:15 PM]DAM![9:15 PM]USE THE FORSE![9:18 PM]Can we pleasse give charlie bad charlie's outfit?[9:18 PM]PLEASE?![9:18 PM]She looked so hot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ok the impalas a bench seat[9:30 PM]there's a couple inches differance between the two[9:31 PM]I know from experance that my grandma and grandpa are only a little bit shorter than me but when I pratice driving by pulling out their car I feel crampted in the front seats.[9:32 PM]so either Sam's crampted the whole time[9:33 PM]or Dean has a little stretch to reach the petals[9:34 PM]Fuk dean just got taken too[9:35 PM]YO![9:35 PM]It's 13 y/o Dean[9:38 PM]Spit it out[9:39 PM]How have you lived this long?[9:39 PM]Huh'[9:39 PM]How are u 30?[9:39 PM]How are you alive?[9:44 PM]Doess teenage dean have the mark?[9:44 PM]I would think but?[9:45 PM]TOLD Y"ALL SAM GETSS SQUISHED[9:45 PM]Also Dean should not be driving he doesn't look legal  I’m watching you burn[10:03 PM]SHIT LITTLE SAMMY!!!!![10:04 PM]nvm[10:04 PM]You look amazing in a hoodie and nikes  Sam did you really use COBAIN as your name[10:16 PM]jesus dude  but they are listening to HOSTER!![10:36 PM]LIKE FUCK YEA[10:38 PM]Then they killed a guy  the impala has a crank[10:59 PM]i mean duh[10:59 PM]but  Charlie's not allowed to be dead[12:38 PM]she knew the rules and broke them  Dean's about to kill Sam but[12:45 PM]I'm laughing so hard  Don't mind me just refusing to watch 10 22 because Charlie died in 10 21 and I'm pissed[10:33 PM]like she knew the rules and broke them  I'm forcing myself to continue watching and Dean is getting pulled over[11:03 PM]I also just told him to be a lawful citzen even though you aren't[11:03 PM]and he's getting arsetted on non existent charges[11:04 PM]They found the id stash[11:04 PM]ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm[11:04 PM]dean used Freddy Mercury[11:04 PM]a known BI man as a cover[11:05 PM][11:07 PM]Sam has lured Crowley into a trap[11:07 PM]pfft[11:08 PM]Poor form even for you[11:08 PM]not my gun[11:09 PM]Petion to give Sam a hair tie[11:09 PM]Man bun that fucker man[11:10 PM]Dean's murdering a family and Sam's murdering Crowley[11:10 PM]What a world[11:11 PM]Die[11:13 PM]Bold words coming from you Sam[11:15 PM]Ginger whore[11:16 PM]Fucking Dean got captured by this fucking bitches[11:16 PM]you fucking dumbass[11:16 PM]both of you[11:17 PM]You can sorta see the camera in the relection of his eyes[11:18 PM]XXXXXDDDDDD[11:20 PM]I like that they stormed the bunker but no ones home because the ones who would be are DEAD![11:20 PM]and cas is where ever the fuck he is[11:22 PM]OH SHIT[11:23 PM]Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Beaten, why for Can't take much more (Here we go, here we go, here we go now) One, nothing wrong with me Two, nothing wrong with me Three, nothing wrong with me Four, nothing wrong with me One, something's got to give Two, something's got to give Three, something's got to give now Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Push me again This is the end (Here we go, here we go, here we go now) One, nothing wrong with me Two, nothing wrong with me Three, nothing wrong with me Four, nothing wrong with me One, something's got to give Two, something's got to give Three, something's got to give now Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Skin against skin, blood and bone You're all by yourself but you're not alone You wanted in and now you're here Driven by hate, consumed by fear Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor One, nothing wrong with me Two, nothing wrong with me Three, nothing wrong with me Four, nothing wrong with me One, something's got to give Two, something's got to give Three, something's got to give now Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the floor Hey! Come! Hey! Come! Hey! Come! Hey! Come![11:24 PM]Don't burn the bloody photo I'm begging you[11:24 PM]Crappy taste my ass[11:25 PM]hes gay[11:26 PM]Dean's gonna raise holy hell on all because you burnt the pic of Mary[11:26 PM]Bringing holy hell on y'all[11:27 PM]Your dead buddy[11:27 PM]You killed Charlie and your gonna burn one of his only pics of his mom and Bobby[11:27 PM]Your fucking dead[11:28 PM]The man is covered in your family's blood and your mocking him about his sister's death[11:28 PM]not a good idea[11:29 PM]HOW MANY NIPPLES YOU GOT BOI?[11:29 PM]ttttttwo?[11:29 PM]Good   Head shot![11:30 PM]Dean[11:30 PM]Brother[11:30 PM]blood[11:31 PM]think[11:31 PM]Don't kill the boi[11:31 PM]please[11:31 PM]what the fuck[11:31 PM]-_-[11:32 PM]he was a human[11:34 PM]you're being a dick right now[11:34 PM]he just broke cas' arm[11:35 PM]DO NOT KILL YOUR BF![11:35 PM]HRMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM[11:36 PM]wow you healed quik[11:37 PM]*quicke[11:37 PM]*quick[11:39 PM]I tend to read the summary of the up coming episodes and[11:40 PM]Shot interally from the inside of the impala[11:40 PM]Blah blah blah blah ghouls[11:42 PM]Sam hasn't completely fucked up a spell yet and Cas is an angel so[11:42 PM]you ain't either[11:43 PM]How about[11:43 PM]You give them the spell and they don't kill you[11:44 PM]I swear to god the fandom loves Baby more then they do

[keefwho]

May 14 - 2023

10:33 PM

This evening is very lonely, no friends or streams to keep my occupied. I dread tomorrow like usual and don’t know what to do with myself until bedtime. It’s hard to relax which sucks. I don’t want to spend a night stressing just to wake up and have to stress over commissions. Just one of those nights though I guess. 

Im also starting to sink into that sulking mindset. Pitying myself for not being enough and feeling jealous about all the things my friends do that I can’t. I feel left behind. As shitty as I feel hopefully I can be strong and put in the effort to be who I wanna be tomorrow. 

10:54 PM

Tonight is just gonna suck and I gotta accept it. Lonely, depressing, whatever. It is what it is and it probably won’t change. 

I feel so strongly that I’ve fallen off as an artist and keep failing to pick myself back up in the way that I want. I don’t prioritize canon character drawings as much as I should. Things that would benefit more people and bring in more attention. I don’t draw enough of my own ideas in general and I’m too afraid to explore new things. I have been for so long. I feel like I used to be so much more creative and daring. Now I’m backed into a corner where I do the same things over and over. And I’m spread thin considering how much 3d work I do now, and that stuff feels like a total waste of time given how much effort goes into it and it bring in no income. Sure it’s fun, I actually like doing it and that can’t be understated. But I know how I am with fun things. They all seem like a waste of time until I can figure out how to treat myself better. 

11:19 PM

Im just sitting by myself in Sky and watching Bluey tonight. 

Sometimes I’m just sad, and very angry. Angry at all the things I can’t control and all the ways I’ve been mistreated by others and by life in general. Tonight I just want to be upset and get it all out. I know I’ll pick myself back up and be strong again, I have to because I have a lot of work to do. But right now I feel indescribable upsetness. I curse everything that bogs me down and makes life shittier. I curse myself for not being able to handle it sometimes. I hate everything right now. 

Have a cry, pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going. 

12:40 AM

Why the FUCK is it so late. 

Also of course the only streamer I almost kinda like that I was gonna fall asleep with starts playing the most dogshit game that I do not want to be tuned in for. The night is ruined. I know nothing but despair. I AM ALONE NOW. I just wanted to be cozy, damn. 

[uzuitengensfourthwife]

Again. (Chrollo x Reader)

A scenario in which you forgive him... again.

warnings: none really, its just a tiny tiny bit angst

word count: 2848

authors note: well... idk.. I felt kinda okay writing this? Still Im sorry if its sloppy or shitty to you

He was gone for a year now, a whole damn year without telling anyone, not even you. One day he was calling you and not letting go of you and the next day he is gone. He left without leaving any trace, it was like he has never existed. Even when you tried to contact the authorities, he seemed to not exist. At first, you cried and sobbed and didn’t move an inch. In fact, you were a depressed little piece of shit, for a total of 3 long months. But after some time, your sadness turned into anger and therefore you promised to beat the crap out of him once he turns up in front of your door again. You wanted to make sure, that once he enters this very apartment, that a fucking shoe would hit his face. No roses, no necklaces and no chocolates could make up for his disappearance and you had to make sure not to fall for his lovey-dovey talk about how sorry he was. This time, oh this time his little game wouldn’t work on you.

And you had to admit, you weren’t really sure when he would appear again, but you were already mentally preparing yourself to yell at him.

And yet, at the same time your thoughts showed that no matter what would happen, you missed him a lot. Gosh, you weren’t even sure if you were able to keep up that act once he’s in front of you. Will you be able to be mad at him? Or will you cry like a child, that has been deprived of their lollies? You weren’t sure, in fact everything could happen.

Then suddenly, your doorbell rang. You turned around, a bit confused, you had to say.  It was late after all, probably 11 PM and you were sitting here and working still. For a short moment, you hoped that it would be your lover, however there was no certain prove that would support your assumption. You assumed that it would be one of your neighbours, so you answered quickly. ,,Coming!’’

You got up hastily, making your way to the door, just to unlock it with your keys and then opening it. But once you finally looked at who was standing in front of you, you couldn’t bring out a word. You were standing there, in a trance. Here he was. He was back. Finally, he was back.

,,Darling.’’ The man in front of you greeted, a bouquet of flowers in his right hand and a little box in the other. He spread his arms a bit more just to gesture that he was waiting for a hug. But you didn’t move, not even an inch. ,,Chrollo…’’ you whispered, your voice so quiet and shaky, probably from the shock, the sudden surprise. The sight suddenly seemed to get blurry, indicating your eyes that started to get all wet and watery. ,,No need to cry darling, I’m back.’’ A smile appeared on his face as he stepped closer, still holding the flowers and the little present.

But your sudden sadness then turned into anger. He DARED to show up in THE MIDDLE of the night, just like that. You were about to lose it.  In fact, you were about to punch him right on his nose, because that’s what he deserves. Punches and pain. ,,You..’’ you hissed, stepping closer and pointing at him with your finger. His expression changed in no time and confusion was plastered all over his face. ,,You left me, without telling me. You left no traces, you disappeared. YOU made me feel like shit. Do you REALLY think that flowers and some necklace you stole are going to make up for it? Go to fucking hell.’’

After this little threatening speech of yours, it should’ve made him feel guilty, it was supposed to scare him off. To make him cry. To make him SEE what HE did wrong.

But all you got as a reaction was him laughing at you like you’ve just told some funny joke. He didn’t take you seriously. God, he never did.

So you frowned, you really wanted to scold him again, however he seemed to be faster. ,, Darling,’’ He said, slowly leaning forward, an amused expression on his face. ,,Yes, I didn’t tell you and yes I did disappear, however I have missed you a lot.’’ He smiled oh so dearly, as he then fully stepped into your apartment, giving you the flowers and the little present.

,,I wasn’t finished-‘’ you started, but he ignored you as he examined your apartment, looking for any changes. Seriously, he was unbearable. ,,You didn’t change much here, still into the same stuff.’’ He stated, without even looking at you, he was still busy with strolling through your apartment. As if there was some kind of hidden treasure in your apartment.

,,Are you still keeping my books?’’ he then asked as he opened a few of your drawers to see if his collection of books were inside of them and god did you want to slap him for leaving such a mess after only returning. He had no respect for you, no that wasn’t it, he just loved to see you all riled up, he found it quite attractive. ,,Quit acting stupid Chrollo, you know where they are.’’ You said through gritted teeth, trying not to give him the satisfaction of your angered behaviour. Gosh did you hate him at some point.

,,Excellent.’’ He exclaimed with a subtle smile, as he then slowly opened the cupboard right next to the TV. His smile only grew bigger as he then quickly grabbed one of the new books you have gotten him last year, but he never got to read them, since he then suddenly disappeared. ,,I couldn’t wait to finally read all of them.’’ - ,,If you would’ve stayed-‘’ you started, only then to get shushed by him, as he stepped awfully close to you. He looked down at you, his smile faded. ,,Darling, I was working and you know how important my work is.’’ Scoffing, you turned away your head, as you answered. ,,You’re a criminal Chrollo. Instead of stealing you could do better things, you could do stuff that is less illegal. For instance, teaching literature.’’

,,Dearest,’’ you glanced at him, not sure what he was about to say. ,,You’re just mad that I’ve been gone for so long. I promise, I’ll tell you next time.’’  He then brushed a strand of your hair behind your ear, softly smiling at you. God, he really was giving you a hard time to be mad at him. But at some point, even you got tired of his promises, of his so called ‘great’ promises, that were nothing but empty promises in the end. The more you tried to believe him, the harder it actually got. You sighed, as you then stepped away, leaving some space between the two of you. ,,That’s exactly the problem. Your empty promises.’’

There was silence, no one talked.

Chrollo was usually a man that respected you and your intentions, he tried to understand you. But this time you could see in his face, that he did not understand you. In fact, you weren’t really able to guess what was going on in his mind, no emotion leaked through his shell. Suddenly, fear hit you. What if he’ll get mad, although you were pretty sure it wouldn’t happen, after all Chrollo never got mad. Not even at you. ,,If my promises were empty, I wouldn’t be right here in front of you.’’ Every other girl would’ve forgotten the fight after his sweet words, but you understood what he really was trying to say. He could drop you at any time, once he’s bored, he could disappear, nothing was really holding him back. Therefore you wouldn’t even know if he’d return after some time or not, you would live in constant fear.

You gulped down your fear and looked at him only to see that his back was facing you, he was looking at a picture of your family. ,,The necklace,’’ he then said, his voice sweet again. ,,You should try it on.’’ You really didn’t want to give in, you were supposed to still be mad at him. Yell at him and throw things at him, just… just were was your anger? What was wrong with you? He did this all the time, was your anger not enough to withstand him? No, IT HAD to be enough. He’s been doing this for five long years now, you really should be able to tell him off.

,,I’ve told you. A stolen necklace won’t make up for it.’’ He turned around, raising an eyebrow at you. You were already preparing yourself to sound as mad as possible, when he suddenly stepped closer and opened his arms. ,,Is a hug what you want? You could’ve just asked dearest.’’ But you weren’t moving. He really made things hard for you. Yes, you did want to hug him at some point since you’ve missed him a lot, but he was giving in way too easily.

After some time, in which you didn’t move, he embraced you in a tight hug, his chin resting on top of your head. The warmth he gave off was soothing, making you feel safe. You didn’t realize how much you’ve missed him until now. ,,Don’t cry darling.’’ He suddenly whispered in your ear, his arms tightening around you, his lips on your forehead. You slowly touched your face and then realized that he wasn’t joking. You were crying in his arms. Pathetic, you thought. You should’ve been mad at him; you should’ve kicked him out. But here you were, crying in his arms for god knows what reason.

The two of you stayed in this position for a while, when he suddenly let go of you, making you look up to him. His eyes were fixed on you, a sweet and kind smile on his lips as he then softly kissed your wet cheeks. ,,Even while crying, you don’t fail to look amazingly beautiful.’’ No no no no, he was doing it again. Complimenting you until you’d apologize for yelling at him, for even doubting his actions. ,,Stop…stop it,’’ You demanded, backing off a bit. ,,You’re always doing this after you come back. You’re always sending me on a guilt trip, when it actually is your fault, not mine.’’ It was hard to read him, but you did realize that he now understood. This time, fooling you was no option.

He sighed and slumped onto a chair that was standing right next to your dining table. ,,Darling,’’ he started as he slowly leaned back. ,,Let’s talk this out tomorrow. I am quite tired, and I bet you are too after all you’ve been working all day.’’ You shook your head, as you then replied. ,, No, let’s talk this out now.’’.

He didn’t answer for a while, he just watched you and tried to see if you wouldn’t change your mind and go to bed with him like a normal couple would. You were sure that he hoped you would change your mind, so you would eventually forget that you were mad at him to begin with.

And of course you didn’t, you had to talk to him, you had to tell him how you’ve felt over these past few years in which he has appeared and disappeared. You just had to fight against the feeling that told you to stop fighting him, you had to be strong in order to achieve at least a tiny bit of change. ,,Okay then. What is it you want to talk about, darling?’’ he probed, sitting up straight and crossing his arms in front of his chest. You took a deep breath as you then began to explain. ,,You hurt me a lot,’’ shortly, you stopped, waiting for a  reaction. However, you continued after a few seconds of silence. ,,You always had me crying when you just disappeared without even leaving a message. And then after months, you just appear again, acting like you’ve never even been gone in the first place.’’ You saw him nodding, showing you that he tried to understand the situation from your point of view. He tried, that didn’t mean he really did understand.

He didn’t answer you for a good while, and in the time, he just observed you in silence, you felt your anxiety giving you a hard time again. It wasn’t like you feared him or anything, it was more of… him having you under complete control. You loved him a lot, and yet you didn’t want him to leave you, despite the little time you have actually spent with him, it felt like you have made the best memories with him, the most valuable. From all the guys you have dated before, it felt like he was the one, you saw yourself with him growing older. Yes, you saw yourself marrying this man, so you thought this was why you couldn’t let go. But still, his unannounced disappearances were still unacceptable.

,,My job brings it’s prices. Unfortunately, this is one of them. I am trying to be with you as often as I can. And for making you cry… that I am sorry for my dear.’’ What was this feeling you felt just now? Sadness, guilt? You were pretty sure it was guilt. The way his eyes were fixed on you, with a saddening shine in them, made your heart ache. All the anger, all the doubt you have felt throughout this whole time have now turned into guilt. You felt bad for doubting him, for being mean to him, even for talking back.

,,Chrollo…’’ you sniffed, letting your feelings take over you. ,,Im sorry… I…I wasn’t thinking.’’ Your eyes were getting watery again, you hated yourself, but you couldn’t hate Chrollo. No matter how hard you tried, you just couldn’t hate him. Gosh, you were such a mess, your feelings were all over the place, you weren’t even sure what you were really feeling right now. In the beginning, you were to make sure that you yelled at him, but over time your feelings for him took over. Even with all the anger that was stored  inside of you, your feelings for him were just so much more stronger. No, he was smart enough to make you feel like that.

,,No tears darling, it’s fine.’’ he whispered, as he approached you and took your hand. You didn’t dare to face him, after the mess you’ve caused, you just felt horrible. ,,You’re tired, lets get you to bed dearest, how does that sound?’’ You nodded as a response, still not having the courage to look him in the eye.

But it didn’t bother him, in fact he has done it again. He had made you give in again. So without exchanging any more words, the both of you got ready for bed. When you were already sitting in bed, he was still in the living room, looking for a new book to read. He seemed content with what he has achieved once more. After all he was able to make you forgive him again.

But you on the other hand already started to regret everything. It was always the same. You always prepared yourself to yell at him, you always were angry when he came home, and yet, once he stood in front of you, you couldn’t resist him anymore. It didn’t really matter how mad you were at him, nor did it matter how much you would doubt him, in the end you would always be the one apologizing and begging for forgiveness. Fights with him were always one sided, he never really talked back, but in the end he always won. No matter how hard you tried.

You sighed, you were really tired. Maybe he was right, maybe you were just too tired to think straight. Jus the fact that you were still working at 11PM showed that you were overworking yourself.

,,You’re still awake darling?’’ you heard him ask, once he entered your bedroom again. You just nodded; you didn’t really have much to say to him anymore. All the bad assumptions and insults about him have left your mind all at once, after you apologized to him. Now, it was him who sighed. He sat down next to you with a book in his hand, he leaned closer. ,,You must’ve been up since 6 am, right? You really deserve to get some rest darling.’’ A smile appeared on his face, as he then softly pecked your lips. His lips were as soft as you remembered them to be. ,,Alright..’’ you whispered tiredly, he was right after all, you were up for too long. His lips then touched your forehead as he whispered a quiet ,goodnight darling’.

And with you let yourself drift to sleep.

Another night in which you let yourself get guilt tripped, oh how you hated yourself.