#I have some very vague ideas that aren’t quite related

[incorrect-fnaf-quotes]

While, yes, I started doing the Springtrap & Y/N quotes because I thought they were fun (and that the quote fit best for them, rather than anyone else). There was another thing...

Basically, yeah, I was sort of thinking of @spaciebabie whenever I figured: “Yeah, I should do this.” Because it’s fun, and I knew they’d like these, along with other people.

Spacie, I have joined everyone else messing with you with the Springtrap stuff—except instead of art and fics, it’s quotes 👍

[atsadi-shenanigans]

Feeding Alligators 52 - Only I Will Remain

(I'm not very good at remembering to cross post here from AO3, oops).

Y'all need to talk. And what smells like goblin piss?

On AO3.

You don’t say nothing. Fucker slinks into the light like he didn’t just dump your ass this fucking morning for not spreading your legs. He walks on in like y’all are within one hundred miles of banter territory.

“Nice to see you still alive and kicking,” he says. Waits, like he’s going to get any kinda answer more’n “why are you here” or “fuck off.”

He seems to pick up on that when you sit there and stare. Silently. He drops the saunter and folds down into…what looks an awful lot like a “dog who knows he fucked up” sort of hunch.

“I…I came to apologize for my behavior last night,” he says. “It was rather…beastly.”

You…he…you wanted this conversation. When you saw him again. You’d hoped y’all could hash this out like adults, maybe find what went wrong and, you know, fix it.

“You’ve seemed upset today,” he continues. “And I can see why. I made…assumptions.”

Your throat is not squeezing shut. You don’t get apologies all that often. Because you are usually the problem. Ryan Meadows thought you were such a problem he never even gave you a chance to apologize or explain. He cut off a decades-long friendship with Sasha to ditch you.

You start to open your mouth. Tell him it’s okay. But you pause to swallow and try to make sure your voice don’t come out all strangled or pathetic.

And Astarion says, “But if you let me know what you prefer, we could try again? I’m quite open to most things, darling.”

Your teeth snap shut. He smiles at you. Bedroom eyes creep back into his expression.

He’s…what?

He takes your silence as some kinda invitation and sidles closer. Pitches his voice lower, “When you’re ready, of course.”

He thinks…you didn’t like the way he touched you? And that’s why you been avoiding him? Why you spent the night crying until you couldn’t breathe? Why you went into this soul thing vaguely hoping it wouldn’t work?

Because you didn’t like his fucking foreplay technique?

“You don’t got any idea why I’m upset, do you?” you manage.

He blinks. His face moves in like, three different emotional directions before landing on polite interest. “I beg your pardon?”

He still wants to fuck you. Still sees you primarily as a potential fuck buddy. You pressed yourself into it. Chickened out and got treated like garbage, but now he, what? Wants to shoot his shot again?

Is this negging? Is this what negging is?

You thought…you don’t even know. He was fun? Kinda charming, in a fucked up gallows humor way. He was someone you could relate to in a way a lot of people aren’t.

But he don’t see you the same way at all. Maybe it’s the whole vampire thing—predators who lure victims in—or maybe that’s just who he is. You are something for him to eat. To use. Man don’t mean a single thing he’s said to you, does he? Apology included. He’s after blood and sex, and he’ll offer any kinda sweet apology to get it.

You recognize it. What it looks like, what it sounds like, what it feels like. You got good at that when you were younger.

It’s like colored lenses falling off your eyes; you see him in a whole new light.

“I think,” you say. Take another calming breath (it don’t work). “I think you and I have a very different idea of…”

This ain’t a relationship. And…well. He ain’t actually your friend, is he? At least not from his perspective. He, he may never have been. You read it wrong (again). Thought you were making a connection with someone you could maybe, just maybe trust (again).

And you were wrong.

Again.

You look at him. Pasty weirdo. Charming dork. A vampire that ripped open a woman’s throat and drank her dead. He looks at you, all smiles and expectation.

“I think,” you try again, “that you and I should put some distance between us.”

You watch that hit him. Watch his face shutter tight.

“I still think we should all stick together, though,” you add. “You don’t got to; you’re a free man. But I think we’ll be safer sticking together.”

He even moves different. Gone is the fluidity of his shoulders, his lazy head motions. He’s crisp and precise when he backs off. “So, no pitchforks and torches to chase me out, then?”

“We ain’t never gonna chase you out. You can stay as long as you want, Astarion.”

“Ah. Ever the generous one, aren’t you.”

He really can’t help but make that sound like a bad thing. Especially with that edge creeping into his voice.

“I just don’t want any of us to die, alright? Is that suitable for you?” you say.

He tilts his head, every mean girl, passive aggressive smile-to-hide-thoughts-of-harming-you. “But of course. I always appreciate someone sensible. There’s safety in numbers, darling.”

Somehow, though his tone don’t change from his usual, that last word manages to come out bladed.

He’ll stay part of the group. And…and he’ll still need blood. You ain’t never gonna use hunger against nobody (dirt and raspberry jam). You ain’t never gonna stand by and watch somebody starve (lemon soap and bowels). Even if that person is a grade-A jackass.

“I,” you start. Force the rest out. “I’ll talk to Shadowheart, see if I can, you know, bleed into a cup or something for you.”

Something nameless flashes behind his eyes. It looks a lot like anger.

“I will have to decline, I’m afraid,” he says. Spreads a hand over his chest. “I’m touched by your nobility, truly, but I do believe that if we’re to be ‘putting distance’ between ourselves, I’ll be finding my meals elsewhere. Unless you have an objection? Want to spare the lives of goblins and mercenaries you were going to blow up anyway?”

Heat rises in your face. Part rejection, weirdly, and part shame.

“I have no objection,” you say.

“Well. I guess that settles it.” He stands, dusts himself off. There’s something wrong with his sleeve. It’s slashed open. Y’all haven’t been in a fight recently, so where…? “I’ll see you around camp, then.”

You can only nod and watch him walk off towards his tent. Catch Wyll giving you a sympathetic wince and Karlach studiously keeping her head down. Because ain’t no secrets in a camp full of fucking magic people and magic fucking hearing.

It needed to be done. For you, and for the group. It was best to handle it before it got messy. Cut that connection before it could tie you down too much. That’s the safe way.

Even if it hurts.

***

Y’all walk for days. Up into foothills, until the sea y’all crashed near is a distant, glimmering band through the trees. Birds chirp and a crow caws, but it’s quieter than it should be.

Y’all head inland, following a stream. You pass more abandoned luggage, broken down or overturned wagons. All signs of bad shit happening.

The bad shit makes itself known when you come up on a broken bridge and the rank stench of carrion wafts over you.

Astarion has been keeping to the back of the group. The last day, he’s fallen quieter than usual (the others don’t seem to have the patience for his chatter, aside from Wyll, who seems to be needling him) (you glanced back and the man stood straighter and winced).

You’re pretty sure it’s either late spring, or early summer. Cool at night, and the further up you go, the cooler the occasional breeze is. But there’s a hint of muggy in the air, and it don’t do any good for the bodies waiting for y’all.

What the fuck is up with this place and bodies left out to rot?

“You know,” you say to no one in particular. “I read one historian who said the surest sign of an empire in decline is an inability to keep the dead outta the streets.”

It was a funny book about historical plagues (you went down a long and winding rabbit hole of historical plague nonfiction for a while; something about reading up on people who got it way worse than you made your shit seem manageable).

“That’s an interesting theory,” Gale says. His hands twitch; if y’all weren’t trying to hike past what’s got to be five dead people and make it to the walls of a village up ahead, you know he’d be taking notes. “Unfortunately, we’re in a bit of no-man’s land, as it were. I can assure you, the streets of Waterdeep are clean enough you can actually walk down them.”

It takes you a minute to mentally amend the, “And not have to clamber on top raised sidewalks to avoid a slurry of horse and human shit.”

“Hey, Blade, you’re from Baldur’s Gate, yeah?” Karlach says. “I ain’t been back there in a while; how’re the streets now?”

Wyll hesitates. He’s wearing that chagrined expression you’re starting to recognize. The one where he wants to say something all upstanding, yet know he can’t.

“They were decent enough last I saw them. Though my information might be slightly out of date.”

Astarion is from the Gate (as you’re noticed some of them call it). He’d know. But while you’ll toss him a “good morning” or “pardon me,” y’all ain’t really on chatting terms. Nothing more than polite courtesies.

But that means you walk in silence more’n not. You don’t got nobody else to bounce your less than savory ideas off of (not that you needed to the last few days). But y’all had started joking. And it ain’t the same as talking history with Gale, listening to Karlach’s greatest bar fights (though that is fun), or Wyll spinning tales about some of his own shenanigans.

You think about breaching that wall of silence. Just a pinprick. Ain’t no harm in asking a question?

Except that pinprick opens you up to a vacuum, and that vacuum will try to suck you and everything else into it.

No. It sucks, and it’s awkward, but this is for the best. The goblins can’t be far, now. Y’all can get in (somehow), find the druid (you’ll work on that once you get the layout), and he can pull them brainworms outta you (the fuck happens after).

You…got no idea what happens after.

The metal flask with your soul in is sits between your tits, tied to a cord looped over your neck and secured against you by the stays. Good thing about being heavier is you got enough squishable flesh to sort of pack in there without anybody noticing.

But after all this…if you find somebody to latch onto—Gale, maybe Wyll—you’ll have a whole lifetime of guarding that fucking thing. Always. Forever.

You can’t let your thoughts start down that particular shit chute. You focus on that village.

Which, as y’all get closer, is eerily quiet. It’s cool enough you’d except a tinge of woodsmoke—people need fire to cook here, after all. But there’s nothing. No voices, no kids shrieking and laughing, no dogs or horses or hammers or nothing. As y’all reach the gates—busted open and hanging from one hinge—y’all look up a narrow main street that disappears up a hill and, presumably, ends in a town square. Two-story houses line each side of the street. All quiet. All rotten; ruins sagging on their frames, one of them overgrown in ivy, the other with the windowsills lying in disintegrating piles beneath the warped windows.

“Uh,” you say.

Right as Astarion wrinkles his nose. “Does anyone else smell goblin piss?”

Which is apparently some kinda bat signal for said goblins to pop outta the ruins. All of them armed. All of them snarling at y’all.

Previous - Index - Next Chapter

[cowardlybean]

GOING IN TEH ASKBOX TO BYPASS CHARACTER LIMITZ SORRY FOR INCOMING ESSAYZ

OKAY SO POINT 1 I think teh fact that Reigen is inspired by Mogami is SO interesting especially bc in 7th Div reigen is shocked to see psychics that aren’t Mob. I don’t know if hez just surprised that derez other people with Telekinesis powerz and not just spiritual stuff or if he thought Mogami was just a showman but it’d be rlly funny and interesting if itz teh latter . Reigen thinking that Mogami was also a fraud but a very talented dedicated one and maybe idolizing it th way you might idolize liek an actor in a movie . I imagine th details of Mogamis suicide are very unknown to th public since he kept so much hidden in his final years so all most people including Reigen really know is ‘mogamis mother died, mogami disappeared from the public eye, and some time later he killed himself’ . Reigen doesn’t I imagine know Any of th in depth bullshit but could at least extrapolate that th media and paparazzi were not kind about his mothers condition or his mental health . so during Separation Arc when reigen himself is experiencing th nightmare dimension and feeling like extremely alone falling into that swirling vortex he remembers mogami (moth imagery in teh alleyway baby!) and is liek Oh my god I can’t end up someone like that I have to make something of myself . But ends up just getting caught up in th vicious media cycle in an entirely different way though hez able to do what Mogami didn’t and call out to someone . something about fighting vicious cycles by being willing to swallow your pride and ask for help .

SECOND POINT I go back and forth on dis ! see in th manga it is very explicit that Mob has no one at home whatsoever but th anime seems more vague about it? we still don’t see his parentz but itz much less upfront about ‘mob has literally no one at home’ and I sometimes interpret it as liek . he is so lost in his own misery and wallowing that he doesn’t even interact with his family or process deir existence . and how falling into that pit of misery can hurt otherz around you as well as he just becomes so entrenched that it seems like he simply has no family . he has a brother but dey don’t talk , so ritsu doesn’t bother intervening with bullies , dey have no bond . he goes home to his parents’ house but goes straight to his room because he has no energy at all . I like dis interpretation bc it plays into Mogami only changing th bare minimum to make th point of ‘this could happen to you’ to Mob . BUT ive also seen it positioned as like . th idea that that level of depression and suffering can almost become absurd to th sufferer , so it makes sense for what is essentially a torture dimension like Mogamiland to take that literally and perform th absurdity of actually removing his family relations altogether . while I generally perceive Mogamiland as more down to earth (relatively speaking, it is still cartoonishly miserable bc even though th bad things aren’t unrealistic all joy and good has been surgically removed) th idea that Mob quite literally goes home to an empty house because hes reached an absurd level of suffering , th same as how Mogami refused to reach out to anyone or seek any help and instead chose to rot alone in his house (something its hard to be angry at him or blame him for but that hes still like, complicit in, if that makes sense?) with no one else . reflecting how deeply unrealistic th mentalities you develop at that low of a point are , Mogamiland itself becomes absurd and bends logic to keep Mob trapped and too miserable to question it . if itz th latter case of Literally No One i imagine th absurdity rules help tether reality together . he can function on school lunches because miserable people may eat very little , his house is empty and cold and unpleasant but it stands and functions , because those are th bare minimum things needed to survive (all that Mob is doing) and to keep th illusion that he can have nothing better until he breaks .

POINT 3 OH YOUVE ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD (RIPS OFF SHIRT TO REVEAL CHEST TATTOOS THAT SAY NUMBER 1 MINORI ASAGIRI FAN) (AND ALSO A MAJOR MOGAMI FAN BUT MINORI FIRST)

Minori I imagine is like . Considerably worse off mentally den Mob right after th arc . Mob is obviously pretty fucked up by 6 months of hell but in typical Mob fashion is able to repress that pretty handily up until confession arc when Everything is opened up by force . it’ll be on his list of things to discuss in therapy for sure lmao . but largely hes good at repressing and also part of th moral of th Mogami arc is that wallowing in your own misery does you no good so he wants to live best foot forward . Minori does too i think , because she wants to change , but I think it’s a lot harder for her . shez lived on her perch of untouchable popular girl for a While , and even if she was acutely aware that things would Not Be Good if someone else rose above her , all she had to do was stomp down any threat effectively enough . between that and just being a teenager who has had a good life itz extremely hard for her to process such an extreme terrible theft of control from her . her body was puppeted , used to lie about and severely injure her father and many others , and she was used as a scapegoat , her actions in Mogamiland were things she really would do but it still must be frightening to be trapped in your own mind especially once Mob snaps and she realizes Oh . That’s what this exists for . To kill me . Mogamiland is a conveyer belt with Minori’s death at th end , that is Mogamis ultimate goal to make Mob change and see his point of view . so not only does she know that she barely escaped th slaughterhouse but she also knows she horribly tortured th guy who was strong and kind enough to save her even after all she did . bc it would be easy for a lesser story to have Minori scared straight , and i do think she does become very paranoid , but th primary reason she changes is because Mob made her want to be better , he made her want to be as courageous as he was . I think post-Mogamiland she is very physically and mentally fucked up but intent on Being Better TM but she doesn’t fully know what that means yet , doesn’t know how to unravel social standards she carefully built up herself or not just be forgiven because people are scared of her . I think she struggles really hard w learning to be kind and develops a lot of moral obsessions , getting really really upset and angry at herself if she so much as Thinks something bad bc thats proof she hasn’t changed and that th evil spirit is going to come break her fingers again . learning to actually be better without wanting to actively die every time she does something mean is a long process she has to work through but I think itz one she does work through w her dads help . I like th HC that she gets into crafting and that slowly leads into being able to care about more and more living things . her big stupid idiot cat she got that she threatens to sell to th circus while giving it treats even if it is icky . very fucked up girl trying her best , I think she reaches out to Mob eventually and dey get together for lunch or something every month or two . casual friends , derez an underlying sting of trauma for both , but friends nonetheless who are happy to see each other getting better . Mob says she should move closer to Seasoning City one day and shes like ‘do you even realize how many city destroying events there have been in the past 3 months alone. no.’ she and teru would be CRAZY gossip buddies lmao

MOGAMI……….i know hes in that damn jar . dis ask is getting looooong so I don’t wanna linger on him too long but I imagine he and Matsuo have an extremely tense dynamic up until th jar is broken in WD arc , and Mogami wanders for a few days before actually deciding to track down Matsuo again . unbearable as he finds him , Matsuo walks a line between human and spirit that not many people do , and is one of th only people that talks to him up front to his face because he too has experienced being thrown aggressively off his high horse . I think dey have a weird gay thing but either way I think dey definitely stick together bc dey both come to realize that dere Are other people in th world capable of understanding dem . Mogami is perpetually kinda fucked up but I think Mob changed him at least a little . enough to have let Minegishi go in WD arc and accept that maybe someone Can change sometimes .

hi . Mogami arc is my favorite arc

I'M ABOUT TO GO BATSHIT INSANE OH MY GOD

just in case lemme just. put this under the cut

OK OK in 7th div i think what shocks Reigen more is the fact that there are adult psychics? or rather. a lot of adult psychics LMAO he asks Ritsu earlier if he can help out at the office so i Think he knows other psychics exist (but he probably wouldnt guess they're all somehow miraculously concentrated in seasoning city AJHSDGHGHEGFGH) but with Mogami in particular, I'd like to think in his younger years he fully believed it all, going on spirit hunts of his own, but as he grew he'd think "yeah its all a scam" bc of his own scammery until Mogami arc throws it all into question. BUT APART FROM THAT. YOUR MIND. YOUR BRAIN. THE COMPARISON OF SEPARATION ARC AND MOGAMI'S STORY IS SOMETHING I HADNT THOUGHT OF BEYOND JUST THE MEDIA HOLY SHIT. oh my god knowing Reigen and his random knowledge on every little subject i feel like hes the type of guy to go on google rabbit holes and after Mogami arc that would reawaken his curiosity in the guy and later during separation arc he's thinking "i cant let myself get to that level, i have to become someone" AUGH I LOVE THE WAY THOSE TWO ARCS INTERTWINE. something something Reigen having some kind of support to reach out to but Mogami being utterly alone,,. but yah i think its so funny to imagine that Reigen Just picked up a lot of the showmanship from Mogami and didn't think the guy was legitimate ASDJHGEFGH.

THIS REAWAKENED MY FIRST INTERPRETATION OF MOGAMILAND WAIT ID COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN UNTIL NOW after I watched it for the first time I assumed that Mob's parents (or possibly just One of his parents) were in a state similar to Mogami's mother, and thats why they arent present and now i'm thinking thats a bit of an inbetween point, in that its something that could be a reality but its also Mogami's view of a cold, hard world to live in. I'd like to think that the behavior of all the other people in Mogamiland is how Mogami imagines they'd act, because of how vicious and horrible he views humanity, not the way those same people in reality would truly react. Like enforcing his view of the world onto Mob is his point, so the world acts and behaves the way Mogami believes it to? Any absurdities (like living off school lunches alone) are what I'd call gaps in the cognitive world, because id say its gotta be pretty hard to make a perfect recreation of reality without both unconscious bias and mentally skipping over forgotten details?? Apart from that, I definitely prefer the interpretation that Ritsu is still Mob's brother in Mogamiland, but they're distant, because it reenforces how Mogami really had nobody to reach out to, especially not his family. ANYWHO. idk how to wrap this point up into a neat bow so just take my ramble

SOMETHING ALSO ABOUT MOB AND MINORI RECOVERING FROM MOGAMI ARC is that he remembers he has people who care about him there, and he resolves to appreciate them more than ever before (and then the wounds are reopened in separation arc etc etc) but Minori doesn't really have anyone she could connect the experience to? I feel like the friends she has are. likely not the best, and she's absolutely been horrible to people outside of Mob. So while she wants to better herself for Mob's sake, bc of the kid who saved her damn life from some incomprehensible evil spirit who'd puppeteered her, I'd think her initial instinct would still be to prevent herself from falling to the same position her victims were in. The same courage Mob had needs to be built up, she learns over time to lower her defenses of her status and maybe in some way stand up for others (though bc of her trauma with losing autonomy, i dont think she'd be to open with any kindness at first in fear of losing the position she has). Her pedestal is already crumbling with the rumors of her being absent (popular girl who rules the school "getting sent to the psych ward" would get her looks and whispers in the hallway) and that definitely doesn't help her after having been used as a puppet. She'd definitely grow out of it though, through feeling her way through having autonomy back and to slowly unravel the hierarchy she'd built herself into. AND AUHGHRFGH. not to be insane again but TTTAAAC made me appreciate Minori SO MUCH MORE bc of her role. her getting into crafts and having a cat?? after it all??? AFHGFHGRHGR. i need to see more of her and the rest of the cast, she and Teru would be buddies and i KNOW IT!! not enough Minori content in the world i need to get on that

MATSUGAMI IS REALLY FUNNY TO ME SOMETIMES guy fascinated with evil spirits x the one evil spirit you should Not fuck with. Matsuo definitely has smth to say about sprits still having lots to learn in their afterlife, he's probably seen spirits from all walks of life and how they eventually move on. Mogami probably chills out a little from the bone-chilling monstrosity he is in his arc, maybe a little reflection would do him good. Sitting in that bottle definitely makes him think about things (gee maybe i shouldn't have put those kids in a hell dimension for 6 months. but then again theyre in middle school what do i know/j)

SORRY IM NOT. THE BEST AT ARTICULATING THOUGHTS BUT I ALWAYS APPRICIATE AN ESSAY IN MY ASKS

[bethdelaguerre]

foreward: t4t

I’ve arrived in this place where thoughts feel important enough to record, and screaming it to an anonymous blog is somehow less passé than carefully crafting clauses in some instagram story for my friends to read and assess or swipe and ignore. That was for them, this is for me.

At three years into transition I have arrived at some sort of queer awakening. For someone who spent most of their life as some kind of confused effeminate bisexual man who wasn’t into men, finally transitioning and yelling I’M A DYKE felt like the most relief someone could have, that I could finally understand to myself that yes, I love women, but no, not like that. Dating women, straight women, as a man was this confusing exercise in relatability and frustration. It’s a tired trope, isn’t it? Trans woman dates women she’d rather be— never finding anything approaching love, only envy, frustration, and depression. Dating queer women, dating lesbians, was entirely its own awakening. 

But waking up comes in stages. For these three years I’ve surrounded myself in the company of other lesbians, I met and married a woman whom I could finally say I love and adore. There were not many trans women. There weren’t any. 

My transition, like so many other COVID trannies, began in a bubble. I figured my shit out, I changed my name, I started hormones; I was alone. It didn’t feel that way— we had the internet, after all. But the company I kept with my cat and my seventy thousand something parasocial following wasn’t community. 

We like that word, community— we throw it around as some vague catch-all as if it has some ubiquitous meaning and that it is the cure for most psychic ailments. The thing is, it’s a transient idea: you find the people whom you love and support and in return they love and support you and then *bam* you’re fixed. But people will fall in and out of this category, and the categories of people therein will vary greatly with the passage of your own identity into the next. 

Anyway, for a time lesbians were my community— they still very much are. But I’ve met someone and it has upended my entire perspective on community because she’s among the first in another less transient selfsame category: a transsexual woman.

I put maybe too much weight into this particular person. I have had friends who are more or less like myself, but I have never felt so terribly aligned as I do with this woman. It should be noted that in addition to being an hopeless romantic I just finished my first reading of Imogen Binnie’s “Nevada” and am as raw as one might expect. I think we all see a bit of ourselves in Maria and loathe to see ourselves in… I can’t even remember his name because I hated the experience of reading part 2, relatable as it was.  

This girl has me romanticizing my life in every way possible. Shortly after we met she made me a mixtape (it was a Spotify playlist but I was born in 1990 and some things just can’t change)— I don’t even listen to music but I found myself making reasons to leave the house and walk and listen. I live just on the other end of a redline: the neighborhood across the street from mine is this ostentatious enclave of opulence, an island of privilege and superficial beauty that is morally repugnant in a city with the wealth disparity of mine. I put on my headphones and immerse myself in this music that she’s selected for me, taking in the beautiful gardens and perfectly manicured lawns and just thinking of her for hours at a time. My best friend tells me that I’m not falling in love with her, I’m falling in love with the idea of her. Given enough time and connection, aren’t they the same?

She tells me sometimes that actually when the limerence wears off you’ll find I’m quite plain. I can’t imagine. Every time I see her, every new conversation, all I can see is this perfectly messy intellectual beauty of a woman and wonder what it could possibly be that she found attractive enough in me to ask if she could kiss me the night we met. 

Yesterday lying in her bed with her body nestled against mine, I looked out of her bedroom window to a towering tree and remarked how lovely it must be to have that view. I thought about how meeting her now at the height of summer meant that I could measure the passage of time not only in the moments between messages but in the turning of the leaves, and a little piece of me feels like it is dying. That’s what love feels like, right? A slow death in the changing of leaves before they fall to the earth. 

[fever-project]

Linx Lore Part 1 | Links Meet x Winx AU

Okay, I’m obsessed with this AU so I’m going to write about it. I plan on writing more parts once I can come up with more lore, like how the Links are going to meet up in the first place. AU idea by @yourlocaltreesimp.

Let’s start this with the Fairy Titles and powers of each Link, as well as their nicknames and Fairy Forms. I do not know what Links I want to include in this AU yet, so I’m just gonna list as many Links that I can think of. I’d probably have like, 7 Links max be the main characters, like with the actual Winx main cast, with others making appearances from time to time.

Anyways, the Links are going to be listed by game first, then Fairy Title, then nickname, then Fairy Form, and then additional info. Fairy Form descriptions are under the cut, at the very end. Some Links also have custom Fairy Forms, made by me, because I can. Those are also explained at the very end.

Note that in Winx and in this AU, Fairy Titles aren’t specific to one Fairy, many Fairies can have tech powers for example and be called a Fairy of Technology. A Fairy can be THE Fairy of Technology if they are the Guardian Fairy (I don’t what to explain what that is this is already so long) of that, or are just the Fairy of Technology in relation to whatever other Faires they are currently with. Some Fairies, however, do have a special title, like Fairy of the Shining Sun is special because only one Fairy has this title. All Links are Fairies of Courage, which is a special title because there’s usually only one Link alive at a time, but each do have a specific-but not necessarily special-title along with that. I’ll mention whether or not it’s a “common” or “special” title.

And one quick disclaimer for this AU; The Master Sword cancels all magic when one is wielding it. The Links could temporarily sheath her to use magic items, but they would still be unable to use their Fairy powers, but only if they didn’t reach Enchantix yet. Even then, their magic wouldn’t be as powerful. In the meta sense, this is to stop the Links from becoming too powerful. In universe, she was created this way to make it easier to stop Demise.

Now, onto the actual post:

LoZ + AoL: Fairy of Origins(Special) - Ori - Charmix - His power is that he can use any kind of magic, but only in its most basic form. For example, he can conjure fire for a small fireball, but he couldn’t create a wall out of fire. His magic is quite weak compared to most Fairies, but such is the fate of being a jack of all trades. He has a hard time doing magic that he hasn’t seen before, but once he does he picks it up instantly.

AlttP + OoX + LA: Fairy of Alteration(Special) - Alt - Enchantix - It was so hard to figure out this guy’s powers you have no idea. Transformation plays a big part in his games, and altering one’s self would include that. Of course this doesn’t include everything he can do, but Fairies can also learn magic that isn’t their specialty (I don’t want to explain this, why is Winx lore so complicated), so it’s fine. He can mainly alter himself, but also things around him, but whatever he alters has to have the same mass. He can alter the appearance and physical form of things. He regularly changes his hair color, which is why it’s different in each of his games. Honestly it’s hard to explain the full extent of his powers, it’s vague enough that he could do almost anything.

OoT + MM: Fairy of Time(Special) - Time - Fiercix - He learned he was Fairy during OoT, but he wasn’t able to use his powers until the very end of it. He sent himself back in time, with the help of Zelda. During MM he was he grew into his powers more, being the one to turn back time in Termina every three days. So far, he can’t turn back time further than that at his current power level. With the help and power of the Fierce Deity, however, it could be possible to mess with time even more…

WW + PH: Fairy of Wind(Common) - Wind - Charmix - The Wind Waker was a great tool that helped him unlock his Fairy powers. I don’t remember if he keeps it if not in the game, but in this AU he does. It acts as his charm for Charmix, so he can’t use it too much all at once. Aryll also has wind powers, but she hasn’t unlocked her Fairy Form yet so they’re very weak.

TP: Fairy of Animals(Common) - Ani - Twilix - He was already fully aware he was a Fairy before his adventure. He regularly used his powers to help out his and others’ farms. He got up to Charmix during his adventure, then to Enchantix and Twilix (which is explained at the end). His powers include talking and shifting into animals, but he‘s more used to being a wolf thanks to the Shadow Crystal.

HW: Fairy of the Apocalypse(Special) & Witch of Wars - Apocalypse/Apo - Enchantix - So Fairies source of magic is positive energy, or light magic, while Witches source of magic negative energy, or dark magic. Some Fairies can use dark magic, but it tends to corrupt them, and I assume that the same would happen with Witches and light magic. So it’s very rare for someone to be able to use both. Enter Apocalypse. He was found in the forest as a baby and then adopted by Linkle’s family, enjoying a simple-yet, somewhat turbulent-farm life before eventually becoming a knight. There he learned of his Witch ancestry, and practiced dark magic alongside his swordsmanship. Dark magic isn’t shunned during his time, Witches being somewhat common. His title, Witch of War, was only something he earned after the War of Eras. The war was also when he learned of his Fairy powers. War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death, the four horsemen of the apocalypse, each of which Apo can draw his Fairy powers from. Disaster and misfortune follow him everywhere. But the powers he has were far too great to just ignore during the war. He had to use them when he could, but that made him ever more glad to have the Master Sword in his possession. Fi also helped him tremendously with guiding him on how to use his powers without harming everyone and everything. He still hates using his Fairy powers. He also love Pixies (what regular fairies in LoZ are now, they’re like Fairy companions).

FSA: Fairy of Light(Common) - Li - Winx - All 4Sword users are Fairies of Light, as the 4Sword can only be wielded by one. I’m talking about FSA Link-specifically the manga version-because he’s the most interesting one, sorry not sorry. He didn’t know he was a Fairy-actually all of the colors didn’t know they were Fairies until the very end, using their magic to defeat Ganon. Li then practices his magic with his Zelda after all that.

BotW + Totk: Fairy of the Wild(Special) - Wild- Winx - He puts no effort into furthering his Fairy powers. He didn’t even know he was a Fairy until Zelda told him after he rescued her(the Great Fairies tried to tell him, but he didn’t believe them). Especially after gaining Rauru’s arm, he believes that he can do everything he wants to without it. He would’ve reached Enchantix-or perhaps, something even more powerful-if he used his Fairy powers at all. His powers encompass all aspects of the wild, from the plants to the animals, from the clouds to the dirt. He only used his powers when he was traveling around with Wolfie, to keep track of him and ensure that he would always be healthy. He does unknowingly uses his powers, but it acts more like a sixth sense, helping him forage for food and to know exactly how loud or how hot he currently is.

AoC (+Pre-BotW kinda): Fairy of Fauna(Common) - Fauna - Enchantix - He doesn’t put much effort into using his Fairy powers. He isn’t even aware of what he can fully do with his powers (that’s why he thinks he only has control over fauna). After all, he does try to have the Master Sword on his person at all times. But Zelda and the Champions force him into practicing from time to time, and he even uses it during the war a few times. He earns Enchantix after defeating Calamity Ganon.

ST: Fairy of Lost Spirits(Special) - Spirit - Charmix - He can commune with spirits and that’s…mostly it. He can also guide lost spirits (Poes) to the afterlife, and stuff. Maybe he can borrow a spirit’s powers? Honestly his powers and Wild’s in-game powers kinda overlap, with Wild being about to use the Champions’ powers and being able to collect Poes and give them to the Bargainer Statues. I think there should be a reason for that in this AU, but I can’t think of something yet.

Here are some Links/Heroes that either aren’t Fairies or I just don’t know what to do with them yet.

SwSw: He’s not a fairy, he’s just some guy. Idk what he should be called tbh.

MC: He’s the forger of the 4Sword, but I don’t really see him as a fairy, like with SwSw. But he would be a Fairy of Light if he was one.

AlbW + TH: I don’t know if I want to combine him with Alt yet. It he’s his own person, I’m thinking of making him Alt’s son. Maybe he hasn’t started his adventure yet during the Links Meet.

Hero of Men(MC): He’s just some guy, not a fairy. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t have magic though, thank you Light Force.

Ancient Hero(TotK): He’s a demigod, not a fairy. Well, he’s half-fairy, like most of the Links, but his Zonai godhood overrides those powers. In fact, it takes a long, long time until Hylia’s powers(she’s a fairy god to put things in the simplest terms)shine through the bloodline.

First Hero(SwSw manga): idk what to do with this one. He exists, I guess? He’s mostly important for making the Goddesses Sword in this AU, which is honestly a very, very big deal.

I don’t know what to do with most of the Zeldas yet, but I do have some ideas, in the same format as the Links. The Zelda are also all Fairies of Wisdom. Onto the info:

OoT + MM: Fairy of Foresight(Special) - Oracle - Charmix - She can see the future idk man. She also has exceptional actual foresight, being able to predict enemies attacks easily. Doesn’t mean she’s good at dodging them tho lamo. In the Adult timeline she would have Enchantix.

AoC + BotW + TotK: Fairy of Flora(Common) - Flora - Tearix - She’s the first Fairy in her bloodline after Sonia, her powers having had taken a long time to manifest at all. She loved flowers beforehand though, obviously.

WW + PH: Fairy of the Seas(Common) -   Tetra - Enchantix - Power over the Seas! She uses her power a lot to help steer her ship. Not much to say really, I feel like the title speaks for itself.

MC: Fairy of the Light Force(Common) - Force - Winx - I’m just putting this here to say that the title changes to Fairy of Wisdom as time passed, so what that means for this Zelda is that she doesn’t really have any special title, ha.

Now onto the Fairy Forms. Fairy Forms go like this(in this AU at least), from weakest to strongest:

Winx - Standard Form for all Fairies. Simple outfit and wings, outfits are usually a solid color or have two similar and/or complementary accent colors. Wings are either a solid color or have an accent color very similar to the other color. Wings are small and simple.

Charmix - Obtained after overcoming a great personal difficulty. The gain of a little charm is the only visible difference from the standard form. Gives a short, but powerful, boost to a Fairy’s power.

Enchantix - Show great sacrifice, considered to be a “full-fledged” Fairy. There are a lot of powers, like shrinking(im not including that in this AU because I feel bad for MC Link), and neutralizing dark magic, among just making a Fairy stronger. Wings are bigger and are semi-transparent save for the outlining. Jewels hang off of them. Flowing clothes with long, barefoot sandals. Long sparkling gloves and some jewelry. There is also a change in hairstyle, which is also flowing.

There are many Fairy Forms and it’s all very complicated, but for this AU and I think in Winx, after Enchantix, additional Fairy Forms can be gained-and one can go back to Enchantix after reaching the new Fairy Form-at any point after meeting certain conditions. Here are the new Fairy Forms that I made up because it’s fun and I honestly hate most (not all I love you Believix and Sirenix) of the ones that are in the actual show. Now onto my Fairy Forms:

Fiercix - A cursed Fairy Form only obtained by wearing the Fierce Deity mask. The outfit has less armor than Fierce has in game, but it’s mostly the same. The wings are simple and sharp, they’re helix-shaped, like the sword Fierce wields. One must have reached Enchantix to even have a chance of keeping yourself sane. It gives one great power, and drives one to use it mercilessly. Typically, one can’t use it for long before the power seeps away from them. But if you practice, if you’re unwavering in your ambition to push yourself to becoming stronger holds…then one might lose themself to the spirit within the mask. They achieve Fiercix permanently, at a cost.

Twilix - A special Fairy Form only obtained by preforming a great, selfless deed for the Twili and Twilight Realm. It’s like Enchantix, but you need to save the Twilight Realm specifically. Ani essentially obtained both Enchantix and Twilix at the same time. Twilix allows the user to freely travel to and from the Twilight Realm, without the use of the Mirror of Twilight. So Minda and Ani can be together after all hehe. Twilix also gives the user the ability to travel through and manipulate shadows, but this power only extends to themself and people who are very physically close to them. Like if they’re hugging or holding hands. A Twilix Fairy also look like Twili, with black markings covering parts of their body, with those blue, glowing markings accompanying them. Their hair also takes on a blue hue as well. Their wings are also black with blue markings, and they resemble moth wings. Ani’s wings specifically resemble a Luna Moth.

Tearix - A unique Fairy Form only obtained after freeing oneself from Dragonification. The user is able to access a portion of the power they gained from their time as a dragon, but their mind still remains intact. Their Fairy Forms are wingless (gasp! the heresy!) but they are still able to fly nonetheless. Flora’s outfit is basically her Zonai outfit, but with a headpiece with her horns on it, similar to the Dragon Armor.

[misiwrites]

Mayblade Days 1 & 2

i got a questionable idea of trying to write a fic for @may-blade where each daily prompt makes up one chapter… will i be actually able to keep up with it? idk. i have to write really fast if i want this all done and posted on time, so this is very first draft tier writing

high school AU, a focus on hiromi and tyhil, set in a culturally ambiguous setting of a "bey town". this will be a bit different from what i usually do because i decided to throw in as many ships as i can fit (for high school shenanigans) and many are stuff i've never posted before, tyhil included. it felt like a fitting ship for a school AU and goes well with a side dish of reimax (and all this other stuff i'll sprinkle in) so here goes nothing. just gonna go bonkers with it. may clean this up later for posting on AO3, may not if i don't manage to even finish it, which is possible

and i flipped days 1 and 2 so i'm posting both at the same time. it felt sensible not at all because i ran out of time on monday

prompts: school, unpopular character characters: hiromi focus; see each chapter for who's included bc even i don't really know yet pairings: hiromi/takao; same as above

Hiromi is a first-year in Bey Town High where the majority of students engage in afterschool club activities. When her only friend in school quits their club with no other members, she's forced to venture outside her comfort zone and try to make more friends.

CHAPTER 1 prompt: school characters: hiromi, emily, mentions of others pairings: --

“So, what now? Are you going to quit the club for good?”

Emily’s chin dropped. “Well…”

“So you are.”

“I’m sorry, Hiromi – but you know how much I need the scholarship. Prioritizing the tennis club is the only sensible thing to do. It’s okay if you’re angry with me.”

“I’m not angry,” Hiromi said, though she was a little. She stared down at her fidgeting leg.

“It’s not like we really need a club to keep meeting like this, anyway. I mean…” Emily’s hand gestured vaguely around the space they were in, the lousy excuse for a clubroom they didn’t have; since its foundation in the beginning of the school year, their astrology club had been holding its meetings at the end of a musky corridor in the cellar floor of the school, next to some rusty pipes and other unfitting backdrops, where a perpetual waft of paint and some cleaning agent lingered in the air.

Alright, so maybe their astrology club didn’t have a clubroom. And maybe it had only two members, which were Hiromi and Emily. And, just maybe, they could as well have done their astrology-related geeky stuff literally anywhere else, such as either the Tachibana residence or the Watsons’, but. But but but.

“And, you know,” Emily then decided to put into words what Hiromi precisely didn’t want to hear, “maybe you could go check out some other clubs, too. It would be a good way to meet new people…”

The fidgeting intensified. Em, don’t do this to me.

“…and maybe even make new friends,” the ginger finished, tentatively.

“I don’t want to join other clubs.” Hiromi preoccupied herself with picking stray lumps of lint off her hoodie while talking. “Everyone’s got their own cliques already. It would be awkward. Nobody wants a random weirdo forcing herself into their group in the middle of the year.”

“I’m sure that’s not true. The people in this school aren’t as bad as you think, Hiromi. And you’re not a weirdo.”

That was easy for Emily, fairly popular and a rising youth tennis star, to say. Hiromi, on the other hand, was an unathletic tomboy with few redeeming social qualities; she was studious and quite enjoyed school, had never been the out-going type, and preferred putting an effort in homework over partying or whatever it was that others did in their free time; she had no impressive hobbies to speak of, as her main interests were geeking out about all things spiritual or supernatural and collecting old books; she had plain brown hair and brown eyes and had never been the type to pour copious amounts of time and money into her hair, make-up, or clothes.

Her personality was on the serious side, she wasn’t a playful jokester or a vending machine for clever one-liners like all the popular girls seemed to be. She had never been the bestie that someone would choose first for anything, she’d never been part of a tight-knit group, and she’d never had a real relationship with anyone. No, it would be awkward to the extreme to squeeze herself into some club now – not to mention that she wasn’t terribly interested in, well, almost anything mainstream. She wasn’t very artistic or good at games or well-versed with popular culture other than the couple of shows she religiously followed (and even then, she wouldn’t have joined a club for those because the extent of her nerdiness was definitely embarrassing).

She was, simply put, just a normal girl. Just a Hiromi. She couldn’t become something she was not.

For a minute longer, Emily tried to persuade her to come check out the tennis club, or maybe the rest of the sports clubs. Hiromi gave her a tentative “maybe later” while harboring feelings of intense disinterest.

No, she thought, I’m not giving up on the astrology club that fast.

The following morning was the first time in months that a nervous sweat threatened to dampen her palms as she walked the short way to school. She had so perfectly adapted to her role of being invisible in class already, now she’d have to actually start a conversation with someone new for the first time in weeks. It made her heart thrum uncomfortably. She’d even forgotten to properly prepare for the morning group class. Very uncharacteristic of her.

She took her usual seat by the window near the back of the room, set her backpack to the side, and turned to look at her class. A critical thought. Who in here could I in any sensible way imagine at least consider joining the astrology club?

And there it was: her group, 1-A. Stitched together from wildly different types of people by the infallible hand of the one and only Bey Town High.

Emily, who sat next to her, had yet to arrive. The few other girls she’d done as much as talked to before sat near the front of the classroom, including Ayaka whom she didn’t know much about – apart from the fact that she had a jerk of an older brother who was part of the school’s most notorious bully squad, which effectively kept anyone from starting any shit with her – and Salima, the school council president. Salima seemed alright, always cool and collected; she had a mature air to her that alleviated the intimidation factor. Next to Salima, as always, sat Kane – the two were inseparable, for all Hiromi had seen so far. Even now, as she ogled the pair from her seat in the back, the two were engaged in looking at something together from a shared phone screen. Hiromi wasn’t sure if they were a romantic item or not, but if they weren’t, they sure were a close set of friends.

Two desks over, usually behind the now-absent Emily sat Zeo, a dainty sort of boy from a rich family; behind him, another boy of the same rich sort but infinitely worse in personality, Olivier Bohringer (who insisted on being referred to by his full name by his “pleb classmates”) whom Hiromi was surprised to see present in the first place, the snob had a habit of being chronically late with very little regard to how it might inconvenience others. Olivier had the repugnant aura of do not associate with me, whereas Zeo was lively, friendly, if not a little pushy, as if he always had something to prove. Always trying, mostly in vain, to show off to the boy whose desk he now, too, was leaning back towards in his seat with the expression of an obedient dog – yes, right there, behind Zeo, sat the boy that Hiromi had been actively avoiding making eye contact with for the past few months. Kinomiya Takao.

Not daring to look at him for too long, she stole a deliberate glance at Takao as if in passing. As if her gaze was simply wandering. He was sitting back in his chair, relaxed, laid-back as always, wearing a cap of red and blue and white with the lid facing back, engaged in conversation with some classmates, some guys called Brooklyn and Garland, Hiromi hardly knew them, as she hardly knew anyone to begin with; Zeo was eagerly trying to join the conversation that he hadn’t been included in, he never was yet always tried, wanted to be one of the cool boys and their cool circle.

Hiromi let the words float by. She could hear Takao talking but didn’t want to listen, pretended not to hear his vivid voice that carried over the sea of classroom clatter like it always did. She swiftly fixed her posture and decidedly set her eyes on the back of the person sitting in front of her. It was this short boy called Ivan who only ever read comic books in class, some weird nerd she knew absolutely nothing about.

She was oh-so-annoyed by the way her heart had chosen to leap in anticipation. It was stupid, the way she riled herself up for doing as much as looking at Takao for a bit. She crouched to grab a notebook from her backpack; it felt safe, hiding behind the excuse of urgently and thoroughly needing to check something in her notes.

While making sure that nobody could see her writing, she scribbled the names in the corner of the notebook page:

Kane, Zeo – maybe?

LITERALLY ALL OTHER BOYS – NO.

Ayaka – maybe? don’t know what she’s like

Salima – ok.

So the decision had been made.

CHAPTER 2 prompt: the past characters: hiromi, takao pairings: hiromi/takao

Hiromi and Takao had been childhood friends.

Their houses had been right across from each other on a long, long street in the eastern district of Bey Town. To young Hiromi, this street had been her entire world. The old, wooden house like a jewelry box across the street had been so fascinating to her child’s mind, the large Kinomiya residence with its traditional dojo and yard full of unusual trees. She’d started visiting the family regularly and befriended their younger son, a boy of her own age, Takao. Everything had been so effortless back then, and they’d become friends with the ease and sincerity that only children possessed.

They had built a beautiful tree house with help from Takao’s older brother and held secret meetings; they’d gone to the corner shop of that long, long street to buy candy with the first pocket money of their lives; Takao dug out bugs with a stick from the ground and proudly presented them to her. Innumerable wonderful childhood memories had stuck close to Hiromi’s heart all through her life.

They had only been children. Silly and unassuming, copying what they saw adults do, turning it into just another game. After visiting some family to attend her aunt’s wedding, Hiromi had wanted to play it out. Let’s get married! Just like that. And Kinomiya Yoshie, Takao’s beautiful mother who always wore flowers in her hair, had sewn her a little white dress because she’d asked for one.

Hiromi’s understanding of “getting married” had been to hold Takao’s hand a lot. Parroting cheesy lines about how they would be together forever and taking oaths that were comically solemn for children of their age. She had told him he needed to get her a ring because a boy was supposed to get one for the girl he married, so he’d made one of some twigs he'd picked from the ground. It had been big enough for two of her fingers to fit through. She hadn’t minded, because it had been a gift from him; she’d been so grateful that she’d given him the smallest of kisses on the cheek, just a peck.

Then she proceeded to never forget about that peck. Not for one minute of her life.

Eventually, the Tachibana family had moved to a different house, to a plain flat in a plain apartment building where the only view was the wall of an equally plain neighboring building and a parking lot. She’d been as heartbroken as a child could be – for about three weeks. Then she’d started attending elementary school right next door.

She’d sworn to visit him at least once a week, but it was quickly forgotten. In her new school, she’d begun to notice that girls and boys did not play together – that it was, in fact, embarrassing to play with boys because they were stupid and messy and stinky. The next time the Tachibanas and Kinomiyas held a get-together, Hiromi had hid behind her mother and avoided Takao’s attention all day. The whole pretend marriage thing had started feeling thoroughly humiliating and she didn’t want it addressed ever again.

And she didn’t want to know if Takao still remembered that peck on his cheek now, in high school where they had been put in the same class to her absolute mortification. He had tried to talk to her in the first couple of days of the semester. She’d greeted him politely, then proceeded to pretend she didn’t know him. She prayed to gods that he hadn’t told anyone else in their class about their shared past – but he probably hadn’t, as it didn’t seem like the kind of thing guys would talk about.

Not that she really knew what guys were talking about. After all, she hardly spoke to anyone.

[caitemis-art]

project moon debacle thoughts

I’ve had a lot of time to let this stew in my brain so might as well spill my thoughts to get them out of my head. If you have no idea what’s going on (hi mutuals) or aren’t in the mood for reading this kinda thing, scroll past and have a good day i guess

Worst part about all this is probably all the misinformation. I see lots of points cycled as fact despite being dubious at best and “source: dude trust me” at worst (even by those with good intentions). I encourage everyone to do extensive research before committing to an opinion!

As for Veilmori, I doubt they’re coming back. Even if PM extends an offer, they might not even take it at this point. Regardless, I wish them the best!

As for the “firing”? All that’s certain is that the contract isn’t being renewed or something like that. Not quite as extreme as firing, but not illegal afaik and there’s still a safety net for Veilmori. I’m unfortunately not well aware of the contract’s terms. All I know is that it’s somewhat common for Korean contracts to have a clause for the kind of situation that sparked the termination. (EDIT: Apparently the “firing over the phone” was a legit thing - very illegal - and Veilmori was a regular, not an outsourced contract or anything. Doesn’t help that PM is being vague about her employment status atm.)

Also I find it funny that this is the second time a “person fired over feminist social media” thing happened in PM. First time was a lot more clear-cut in comparison (very radical feminist group) but still, deja vu.

Honestly my biggest concern is the treatment of employees if the firsthand statements are to be believed. Hopefully this situation creates some major changes for the better in PM.

I doubt that PM being late on putting out a statement is a sign of something bad. A bit messy, perhaps, but legal red tape can get finicky. The statement we got doesn’t really say much, and it’s still unclear why exactly the termination took place. Honestly, I would be fine with everything if they just outright said the reason. Again, not sure if this is legal red tape or not. Anything’s better than a vague “it wasn’t because of her views” because even that could still relate to the social media stuff (i.e. not because of having views, but because of expressing them on an account publically and clearly connected to the individual). (EDIT: Altho I’ve been told firing employees over social media stuff is a big no-no, I’m sure there’s exceptions and it, sadly, has happened before. This situation’s case against Veilmori is flimsy at best though, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was illegal outside of loopholes.)

Last thing to note is that this whole situation is a messy cocktail of social problems and long-held frustrations. Nobody wins in this scenario. PM was between a rock and a hard place and are still chipping away at the rock they are being crushed by. I’m not even gonna pretend I’m an expert on the gender war and whatnot. It’s definitely helpful to not view the situation through an ethnocentric lens though. That’s not to say you can’t maintain opinions based on your own views on feminism, but be sure to not ignore the context either.

Hopefully, like last time, everything can be cleared up and PM can get back on its feet. Currently my view is “not angry, just disappointed” for now. For now, though, wait for new developments and take care of yourself. Your feelings, good or bad, are absolutely valid and whether you continue to support PM or not is entirely up to you! You’re not a bad person for choosing either option.

[moviemunchies]

Some Octobers, I think that I should actually watch movies that are vaguely spooky. I don’t do horror films, but there are plenty of other movies that might fit the bill for Halloween. Usually, though, I don’t get around to it.

Well this year I got to re-watching Tucker & Dale vs. EVIL and I think that works for Halloween.

Tucker & Dale vs. EVIL has this premise: a group of college kids go to the woods, and when one of their own gets kidnapped by hillbillies, they decided to fight back. The twist is that the main characters are the hillbillies, and they’re not villains, they didn’t kidnap a college girl, they saved her after she hit her head. Her friends don’t know that, though, and since they’re clueless, stupid, college kids, they keep getting themselves horribly killed while trying to rescue her. Blaming it on the hillbillies, they resort to increasingly ridiculous and violent methods to fight these two guys who only want to vacation in a cabin in the woods.

It’s violent, it’s gory, and it’s hilarious.

The movie’s message is obviously that people shouldn’t judge each other based on appearances. Dale is very awkward and comes across as weird to Allison and her friends, but he’s a great guy. If anyone had actually effectively communicated, if people had sat down and clearly explained what it is that they were actually doing, this Plot would have been avoided.

Mind you, it’s also because the people in the movie are pretty dumb. The kids are pretty dumb, in how they keep dying, but Tucker and Dale aren’t exactly super observant either. They walk into a cabin with bones hanging from the ceiling, and newspaper clippings of horrible crimes, and absolutely no warning bells go off? It works for comedy purposes (“I think an archaeologist lived here!”), though it makes you wonder if communication would have worked to begin with the more you think about it.

I’m also not familiar with horror movies, but I feel as if I’ve watched/read a ton of stories in which college-aged kids are surprisingly competent in combat and survival. Of course, most people have no idea what they’re doing, and the kids here don’t either–they quickly rush into situations and get themselves killed in stupid ways.

There’s an element of the ending that is a little bit of a copout? Spoiler alert, but it’s revealed that the homicidal leader of the college kids, Chad, is actually the son of a violent hillbilly. The idea that hillbillies aren’t any worse than anyone else is undermined by the notion that actually yes, there apparently are killer hillbilly genes out there that can turn someone into a murderous maniac. Communication wouldn’t work if it’s just in his DNA, right? 

Then again, I think the point isn’t necessarily that Chad has killer DNA, it’s that he’s prejudiced against a group of people that he himself is related to. Still, I don’t know that Chad needed a backstory that gave an excuse for him being evil. The idea that he’s a young man so full of himself that he doesn’t question his prejudices, because it lets him live out his hero fantasy, even if it gets his companions killed… that’s strong enough.

I suspect I’m thinking too hard about this, though.

I am not really a fan of horror films, so I cannot speak to how well this movie resonates with that fanbase. I’d like to think that fans of slasher films will enjoy it, but I don’t know. I did enjoy it quite a lot, though, and I think if you’re willing to try a spoof of middle-of-nowhere, killer hillbilly slasher movies, then you’ll have tons of fun with Tucker & Dale vs. EVIL.

[possiblyaworldbuilder]

More on the four Faces in the current age (this one is pretty long):

This will be more focussed on the Faces from the perspective of Gòlhyík specifically since there are some interesting things going on there that aren’t in other nations.

Now I don’t know much yet about the religion and beliefs of the people of Gòlhyík, except for that they do have (partially public) temples for worship and that the Faces are also worshipped from home and other locations. Also they are commonly asked for help or guidance with specific matters. The Faces, apart from the four broad concepts, are also often attributed more specific things. Lòtàr, Face of death, is commonly connected to harvest and farming. Saròs, Face of space for example is also often connected to travel, war, light and the sun which is known as the eye of Saròs.

-Stylized depiction.

Also, Lòtàr, and thus the concept of death, is not seen as a bad thing by the Tèràl cultures. Death, in general, is a natural, and even a beautiful departure from the world to that which lies beyond. Of cource losing someone hurts just as much but death, in many cases is accompanied by a ritual guiding the soul of the diseased to peace. People still fear dying but that is related mostly to loss of what they have or the pain beforehand and not of dying itself. Lòtàr is seen as a gentle God, bringing those who left the world to peace.

Now for something that makes the organised church in Gòlhyík so unique is that they seem to be favoured somewhat by the Faces.

But for this we need to talk about magic!(ànfòryíl /ɑnfɔrji:l/ roughly translated to: gift of the Faces)

You see, the Faces sometimes gift a tiny fraction of their powers to the peoples of the worlds. This is generally not very common and the pattern behind this is vague at best. Some believe it has to do with your future or potential that only the Faces know, some say it happens if you pleased the Faces. Others speculate it has to do with how your soul is endowed with a little bit of devinity from birth and if you are lucky enough you get enough of it to ‘unlock’ your magic abilities later. (This idea has the most validity but is still quite far off)

Now this is a little different in Gòlhyík. Most people don’t know any specifics and it is kept as a strict secret, but the church in Gòlhyík has a ritual they perform which makes it that the Faces gift their magic to someone. This only seems to be happening with two of the Faces, Saròs and Tavàr (space and time) so far, but why this is the case is unclear. I will go into detail about the magic systems later.

Ofcource these magic users (for lack of a better term for now) are extremely dangerous and very valuable, so how does the church deal with this?

First off: it takes a lot to be selected by the church to get into the program. Often the ones who do are high ranking military or church members who have proven themselves. Monsterhunters are also more likely to be selected and many of the organised groups have one, or sometimes even more, magic user among them. After getting selected for the program you have to go through extensive combat and military training but also religious education. This part is cult-like in the way they bake specific ideas and ideals into you in order to keep you under control and try to prevent potential rouge magic users.

After someone has gone through this and they have been granted their magic, there is no backing out. The church has control over you and could, if they please to, use you for anything they want. In general this is the military (thanks to the war) but monsterhunters are usually allowed to keep doing their job.

Any magic user not directly under the church’s supervision are required to make regular reports so that the church has full knowledge of what all of their magic users are doing. Everything they do and what happens to them is well recorded and stored in special archives.

Magic users who abandon the church are hunted down and the either killed or imprisoned. The power and information they hold is not something the church takes lightly.

And that’s all for now! I derailed a little and the post is a bit longer but I hope you’ll find it interesting! Thanks for reading and until next time.

Havéja!!

[paxesoterica]

Some Thoughts on Episode 16 (Mobile Suit Gundam: The Witch from Mercury)

(very long + spoilers [including a few for Revolutionary Girl Utena & Fullmetal Alchemist])

*I hope y’all aren’t sick of hearing Utena comparisons, because there’s going to be quite a few this episode.

*The episode starts by revisiting Prospera's conversation with Belmeria from Ep. 14, and expands on it.

*Ericht was apparently perfectly synced to the data storm, so apparently blue Permet lines on a Gundam pilot mean they’re unharmed. However, the various hazards of space, that are the very basis for why Vanadis was pursuing the GUND format in the first place, were too much for the body of a child to endure, and Ericht would have died if Prospera hadn't transferred her biometric data into Lfrith.

*’Biometric data’, in modern parlance, refers to things like fingerprints, retinal scans, blood drawings, etc., essentially information about a person’s body, often used for security identification (if Suletta turns out to be a clone like some have conjectured, I feel like this might be a factor).

*So, it seems like Prospera isn't the worst parent ever in animation history, just a high-ranking one (and, ironically, more for how she treats Suletta, then how she preserved Eri’s life).

*Prospera needs for Aerial to achieve a Permet score of 8, and to expand the range of the data via Quiet Zero, so that “...Eri…can live in freedom!” Prospera is rather vague on what Eri’s “freedom” entails, and since she gestures like a supervillain while talking about this, it’s probably Not Good (except for Eri presumably).

*Belmeria refuses to help her, citing the Vanadis Institute’s principles. Prospera indirectly calls her a hypocrite, and reveals that she knows Belmeria proposed the Neural Expansion Theory, that the stress of data storms could be resisted by enhanced humans with artificial nervous systems, which Dr. Cardo rejected. In other words, not only has Belmeria been helping Peil make enhanced humans, she was the one who introduced them to the idea in the first place.

*I have to admit I’ve lost some respect for Bel with this revelation, but hopefully her guilt will prompt her to make better choices soon.

*12 people were killed by Norea and Sophie’s attack on Asticassia, and news has leaked out to the general public about the attack on Plant Quetta as well. In addition, Benerit security’s retaliation against Earthians has resulted in an increase in anti-Spacian attitudes, and protests turning into riots.

*Between this, and the vacancies left by Vim, Delling, and now Sarius, the remaining Benerit leaders decide to hold a presidential election.

*Shaddiq's group discusses how he’ll be running in the election, and clarifies that Miorine won't be automatically chosen based on blood relation, which, on the one hand, I would hope not, but on the other, nepotism is a common practice in real-life businesses, and the corporations of Ad Stella would reflect that, so it makes sense to be explicit about it.

*Shaddiq, who is so, so totally and completely over Miorine, muses that she could be elected with the backing of one of the three branches, before being interrupted by Sabina.

*I saw someone comment that they were concerned that Sabina, despite being the most overtly lesbian-coded character in the show (as opposed to someone like Miorine, who is textual), might have feelings for Shaddiq, and I truly hope they’re wrong; yes, Sabina is an accessory to terrorism and mass murder, but that doesn’t mean she (or anyone really) deserves to be a proxy for manga!Juri Arisugawa.

*For anyone unfamiliar with Revolutionary Girl Utena: anime!Juri is the passive-aggressive lesbian frenemy/rival of Touga Kiryuu (who is a major inspiration for Shaddiq), sometimes ostensibly supporting him, but also unhesitant to undermine him when the opportunity arises; manga!Juri is the only female duelist besides Utena, and she openly pines for Touga (with sadly no signs of being even a comphet lesbian like Nanami) and duels Utena on his behalf instead of her own. This is one of many reasons a lot of Utena fans (including me) prefer the anime to the manga.

*Miorine confers with Lauda, who affirms that charges against GUND-Arm, Inc. have been dropped due to lack of evidence. He also notes that Miorine should be happy, since with a new president, no one will force her to get married.

*Miorine, of course, has other priorities on her mind.

*Repairs are underway at Asticassia and the school is on high alert, with mobile suit pilots patrolling the grounds and student activities restricted. 

*Though they’ve been officially cleared of wrongdoing, there’s a lot of negative online comments being directed toward GUND-Arm, Inc. and Earthians in general.

*Rouji asks Secelia if she’ll be leaving school, but both of them seem dedicated to their roles as the Greek chorus in the Dueling Committee. Secelia comments that, at the very least, she wants to see who ends up marrying Miorine, which transitions to a shot of…

*...Felsi?

*Something I’ve referenced in previous writings about Witch from Mercury, but didn’t directly comment on, was that Witch from Mercury is a show that really loves its meaningful transitional shots…which makes this particular one very weird. This is the only shot we get of Felsi in the entire episode, so it was obviously intentional, but it begs the question why? At this point, Suletta & Aerial could probably defeat Guel, Elan, AND Shaddiq in a 1 vs 3 duel, so how would Felsi possibly win? Not to mention it would be a very weird narrative turn for someone who’s hitherto been relegated as a side character to defeat Suletta like that. Regardless of why or how, it seems Felsi will be playing an important role (*really* hope she doesn’t die).

*Chuchu is tired of waiting for news on Nika's supposed detainment, and tries to march off with wrench in hand to make it someone's problem, but thankfully Suletta restrains her and the other Earth House kids manage to calm her down.

*Unfortunately, while Earth House may be trying to avoid getting in more trouble, that doesn't stop it from coming to them, as friends of Jujebu (the student pilot Norea killed in the Rumble Ring) come to vandalize their dormitory.

*The two groups get into an argument, and Martin shows surprising confidence (even Chuchu looks impressed) in telling them to stand down. In response, one of the vandals chucks a spray can at his head, injuring him. The situation looks it will escalate (i.e. Chuchu will murder someone), but before it does, a hero appears:

*Miorine caught the incident on tape and threatens the vandals with the evidence if they don't leave.

*Sabina tends to Nika's injuries, and asks if she'd like to join Shaddiq's squad, which Nika politely refuses. Sabina reiterates what Norea said a few episodes back about ideals not being enough (minus the trying to hurt or kill Nika), and promises Nika that she and Shaddiq will be able to bridge the gap between Earthians and Spacians (but, y'know, with lots of violence).

*The Peil CEOs demand No. 5 stops wasting time creeping on Suletta and to just focus on stealing Aerial. I'm glad we don't have to deal with that particular subplot anymore, but the Peil CEOs take care to remind us they will murder him as ruthlessly as they did No. 4.

*Guel returns, and Lauda is so shocked he faints.

*Guel and Petra have a short chat, with Petra informing Guel of his brother's recent hardships. Guel asks Petra to look after Lauda while he goes to take care of, leaving Guel as just as much a wild card as he was in the latter half of the first cour.

*I have to say, the Jeturks have grown on me a bit. Like yes, they (especially Guel) were awful for the first few episodes, but a lot of that was due to Vim’s influence, so at this point I’m hoping they’ll collectively grow to be better people and survive the series

*Feng Jun of the Space Assembly League informs Miorine that Nika is not actually held by the front management, but was instead kidnapped by unknown parties. Feng offers to investigate in exchange for access to GUND-Arm, Inc.; she wants to use said access to investigate Shin Sei Development, and how such a low-ranked company has the resources to build and repair a mobile suit like Aerial.

*Miorine informs Earth House of the situation with Nika, and…

*...Chuchu? She…thanks Miorine for her efforts. 

*And the rest of Earth House join in giving Miorine these happy/relieved looks. And…Y'all, this is just heartwarming.

*Ever since Plant Quetta, Earth House has been having such a rough time, managing trauma, welcoming new members who turned out to be terrorists, Nika getting kidnapped, and getting detained.

*But now Miorine's back, and everything's looking a little better, and this is such a transformation from how their relationship started: it's a far cry from the days when Earth House tolerated the Spacian princess who came as a package deal with Suletta, from when the same girl strong-armed them into joining her business only for her to learn that money was not enough and that she needed to respect and listen to them. Since then they've worked together, helped and protected each other, and somewhere along the way, Miorine became accepted as one of them. She may still sleep in her dad's former office, but Earth House is now her home…and Miorine knows it.

*Even with all the tragedy and horrors of war, Miorine is enjoying the most positive relationships she's ever had since her mother's death, which we know because we've only ever seen Miorine smile like this either at the prospect of escaping to Earth, or at Suletta. Speaking of which…

*As most of Earth House starts asking for Miorine's help with business stuff, Till steps up in the absence of Nika to become Earth House's #1 Sulemio supporter, and raises Suletta's hand to get Miorine's attention (seriously, where's all the best boy praise for Till? I know he doesn't get a lot moments, but all of them have been quite excellent so far).

*Suletta asks Miorine to check on the greenhouse with her, so the two head off-

*AHH!

*I've been thinking about why the Prospera jumpscare is so unsettling; I think it's because it works along the same line as, say, Darkseid from DC comics showing up unexpectedly relaxing in various heroes’ homes: it's an implicit but devastating threat, a reminder that, Prospera’s influence, at this time at least, is inescapable (which we’ll see later at the greenhouse).

*It's even worse because, from the perspective of Earth House and Suletta, Prospera's actions are innocuous: all she does is ask Suletta to look after Miorine, and then introduce herself to Earth House, acting cutesy all the while. It's not an uncommon tactic for abusers and manipulators to act charming in front of their victims' family and friends to undermine any negative claims their victims may make against them, and I worry that Prospera is taking this opportunity to do precisely that.

*No. 5 tries to hijack Aerial, but quickly discovers that’s a Very Bad Idea, as his Permet lines flare up, Aerial enters Permet 6, and Elan gets a look beyond the data storm and meets Ericht Samaya.

*There’s been a lot of speculation about why all the GUND-Bits look identical to Eri. I know that failed clones being uploaded into the data storm is a popular theory, but given the time and resources that cloning (especially one based on actual reproductive cloning techniques) takes, I don’t think the 4-year gap between Vanadis and Suletta’s birth(?) would be enough to account for that, so I suspect the truth is something different.

*Aerial has been piloted before without taking action, but the circumstances were different:

In Miorine's case, she used Suletta's datapad to access Aerial, and had been previously rescued by her, so it's likely that Aerial recognized her and chose not to intervene; plus, it seems unlikely that Miorine even knew how to access the GUND format at that time, so it's hard to say if a connection could be made without that.

Elan No. 4, meanwhile, explicitly obtained Suletta's permission to borrow Aerial, and he didn't express any bad intentions (like apologizing for stealing Suletta's sister) until after he exited the cockpit.

*Witch from Mercury once again makes a good case for its selective but intense uses of violence, because I did think for a few moments that Eri was going to kill No. 5 with Permet overload; knowing that major characters can and have died gives any scene like this tension due to uncertainty.

*Belmeria starts a self-pitying rant about how she had no choice but to work with Peil and No. 5 punches her, and I’m not really sure how to feel about any of this; I’m on record for wanting to toss No. 5 out an airlock, yes, but none of the victims of the enhanced person project, who seem like they all ‘volunteered’ out of desperation, deserved to be exploited by Peil, and Belmeria, while remorseful, was wrong for enabling this.

*The Suletta and Miorine reunion we've all been wanting/dreading!

*Things start awkwardly as Suletta notes that she fulfilled all of her promises and Miorine agrees.

*The staging for this scene reminds me a lot of Revolutionary Girl Utena, where characters’ positioning often had a theatrical quality that somehow felt very striking despite/because of the artificiality. It makes sense that Suletta and Miorine start off like that since neither is quite certain where they stand with the other.

*Suletta broaches the topic that's on both their minds, and Miorine apologizes for calling Suletta a murderer, recognizing that Suletta had been trying to save both her own and her father's life.

*”I knew it. It’s just like Mom said.” Miorine body language instantly tenses when Suletta says this. Like a lot of folks have been saying, Miorine makes it explicit that Suletta’s nonchalant attitude toward killing someone is the thing that really upsets her. Suletta tries to insist that it’s fine because only she and Aerial can protect everyone, but Miorine rightly suspects that Prospera convinced her of that.

*”Will you do anything your mom tells you to?” Suletta shows a lot of hesitancy and anxious body language during Miorine’s questioning, but when pressed, confirms that, yes, she would give up her dreams and even kill people if Prospera asked her to, and this is heartbreaking.

*I was initially surprised that Miorine did not ask Suletta if she would hurt her if Prospera asked, but there’s a couple reasons it makes sense she didn’t:

Miorine is already emotionally devastated to learn how in thrall Suletta is to Prospera, and she probably doesn’t want to even consider the possibility that Suletta might say yes.

The question might instead prompt Suletta to go into an emotional breakdown, and Miorine simply doesn’t have the capacity to handle that at this time, nor does she want to subject Suletta to that pain.

*I've seen a lot folks talk about the tomatoes and how they symbolize their respective characters' growth (or lack thereof), so I just wanted to note that in Suletta's case, the bottom of her tomato is definitely red, and thus does have signs of growth, but that growth is currently (literally) overshadowed.

*Suletta justifies this by noting that, because she obeyed, she got to go to school, make friends, and meet Miorine, which prompts Miorine to angrily run away.

*There’s  been a lot of discussion on Suletta’s mental state, but I think this conversation makes it clear that it’s not a ‘Winter Soldier controlled by code phrases’ situation. Anthy Himemiya from Revolutionary Girl Utena and her obedience as the Rose Bride seems much more relevant to Suletta’s situation.

*Pardon me while I muffle my screams and quietly sob at the awful situations these fictional characters are in.

*There’s a few differences in Suletta’s and Anthy’s situations though, so I think it would be helpful to mention a second character for comparison as well: Rose Thomas from Fullmetal Alchemist.

*For those not familiar with Fullmetal Alchemist, Rose is a minor character encountered early in the story, living in a desert town and revering the sun god Leto and his supposed priest, Father Cornello. Rose’s boyfriend died last year, and Cornello, with the aid of fraudulent ‘miracles’ (actually alchemy enhanced by a Philosopher’s Stone), convinced her that unquestioning faith and obedience in Leto (and Cornello) would be rewarded with the resurrection of her boyfriend (he was very much lying, of course).

*Cornello uses this influence to try to persuade Rose to act contrary to her usual self and try to kill the protagonists (she fails and Cornello is ultimately exposed as a two-bit fraud).

*Faith and belief can be a beautiful thing when placed in the right person or ideal, but horrific when placed in the wrong ones, such as when Rose believed in Cornello, and I’d argue, as Suletta believes in her mother; basically, I’d compare Prospera and Suletta’s relationship as a cult leader and a follower devoted to them.

*Anthy also has faith, though hers is far more negative and cynical than Suletta’s or Rose’s: she believes that, thanks to her actions in saving her brother, it’s her fault that he became the monster we encounter in the present, and that, as awful as he is to her, he’s the only one willing to accept her, and so she deserves her suffering. For Anthy, eternal torment is palatable only because she believes that leaving would be even worse. Despite this difference in the root of belief (obedience is rewarded vs. disobedience is punished), the result of Suletta, Anthy, or Rose acting on another’s behest while repressing any feelings of this being wrong is much the same.

*This should inspire hope in fellow fans though: in the end, both Anthy and Rose escaped their manipulator’s influence and learned to live for themselves; should we not have confidence that Suletta will do the same?

*Miorine, bless her, continues to be one of the smartest (if somewhat impulsive) people in the show, and instead of blaming Suletta, immediately goes after Prospera, rightfully blaming her for Suletta’s condition.

*Miorine: “I won’t let you have your way with her anymore!”

*Prospera: “And what then? Do you want to have your way with her next?”

*Ugh, this is such a gross and untrue thing for Prospera to say. I think it also strongly suggests that Prospera may ‘love’ Suletta as a favorite tool, but not as her daughter, and that she currently believes Miorine is much the same as her (which we know of course is not true, but Prospera seems to have a bias in perspective about Miorine, which we’ll get to in a little bit).

*Prospera asserts that Miorine is just like her father, and when rebuffed, she informs Miorine of her vendetta against the Rembran family and about the Vanadis Incident 21 years ago, and describes how she lost her husband, her colleagues, and her mentor.

*“We’re the only ones who survived.” Prospera doesn’t make a lot mistakes, but I feel like she keeps making minor ones when it comes to Miorine (which I feel may be due to her barely repressed hatred toward her affecting her judgment), such as her belief that Miorine only sees Suletta as a tool mentioned above, and now this: Miorine knows that Suletta’s 17 and that Vanadis took place 21 years ago now, so she’s going to wonder who this other survivor Prospera mentioned is, which I think will sooner or later lead her to meet Eri.

*While Miorine doesn’t necessarily want her father dead, she’s also aware he’s done awful things, and chooses to protect Suletta instead (because she wants to be gal pals with her /sarcasm).

*Unfortunately, unlike some show watchers, Prospera clues in that Miorine genuinely loves Suletta, and instead of reflecting on that and maybe rethinking her choices, immediately uses it as a tool to manipulate Miorine, telling her that if she’s so protective, then she should work with Prospera and run for president of Benerit so that Quiet Zero can completed.

*Will Miorine accept? It’s probably the best route to saving Suletta, so unfortunately yes. Will Prospera betray her? Also yes, but hopefully Miorine is already aware of that and will be looking for a means to counteract it (perhaps some intel from Feng on Shin Sei will help?).

*This was quite an emotional roller coaster, and next episode seems like it will maintain that with the election, which I’m sure will be as fair and honest as can be in a future space capitalist dystopia.

[meistoshi]

so, it’s an understatement to say satoshi’s had a few people express romantic interest in him  ;     he’s kind & brave & protective without treating people like glass & he’s amazing with pokémon & in battle, & his looks aren’t shabby either   —   he’s kinda hard not to get a crush on.     but most times he’s been entirely oblivious purely because said interest has been expressed vaguely, through insinuation, rather than outright  ;     hell, he had no idea how serena felt about him until she straight-up just kissed him, & she’s hardly the most subtle of people.     which brings this (re)post to the topic of satoshi’s own “crushes”, present & plural.

the thing is, his feelings develop very slowly, he doesn’t catch them at first sight & there's no moment that can be pinpointed as going from regular affection to romantic love  ;     it's small things piling up over time, usually months at the least, not recognized but realized, less developing a crush, more actually falling in love ( not to say he's never had fleeting infatuations, but those have all been the star-struck & dazed kind that've passed that same week if not day ) .     the first person he realized he had any kinds of feelings for was kasumi, & just as they were about to part ways after johto. just a moment of “oh. i don’t actually wanna say goodbye. oh. i actually really don’t want to say goodbye, i want to spend as much time with her as possible, uh oh.”.

the second was shigeru, some time during his travels in sinnoh, but it was odd, because he’d already figured out he had a "crush" on kasumi & he knew those feelings hadn’t changed, but he’d never heard anyone talk about having more than one crush at a time, & everything he’d ever heard about romance was in terms of pairs, two halves, one & one.     the feelings fit, but it didn’t fit with what he’d seen from others.     even the very few love triangle stories he'd heard about or seen always ended in a two-person relationship.     it took a very carefully timed question to takeshi about his own romantic ventures   ( it helped that satoshi was actually genuinely baffled about how takeshi kept jumping from one crush to another ) ,  to understand that yeah, sometimes people had enough love in them to have feelings for more than one person at a time, that was a thing & entirely normal. thanks to this, when it came time for him to part with the friends he’d made in kalos & serena had already left for hoenn &, in an evident tradition of having just the worst timing with these things, satoshi realized he’d developed feelings for both citron & serena, he was able to accept that quickly & without second-guessing himself.

he didn’t really kick himself for realizing it “too late” in serena’s case since she was the only person he knew for certain reciprocated the feelings, because he’s kind of understood for a while that he travels too much to consistently keep in touch with people he’s not actively traveling with, or at least in the same region as, so, even if he tried pursuing something there, he just wouldn’t be able to keep up the relationship, not even mentioning his workaholic focus on battling   ( even if he’d never call it quite that ) .     that’s also the reason he hasn’t tried to pursue anything with his other crushes either, regardless of if he thinks they might reciprocate or not  ;     he’s just not stable enough to maintain relations outside friendship   ( he just barely maintains acquaintanceships ) ,  at least not in a way he feels the other people would deserve, not in the way he’d like to. & that's without even getting into thought of all the talk that could go into trying to arrange the possible polycule because he hasnt thought nearly that far ; he's stopped squarely at welp i love all these people & there's nothing i can do about it, guess i'll just sit here & pine & yearn about it. his heart does weird things around all of them but so does it when thinking of the open road so he's just sorta. sat. or, well, y'know. on the move.

[demonicatale]

This is gonna a post where me(catermander/charasaur) is talking, also it’s an overview/master post for what I have planned/imagined/intend for with demonicatale. Please don’t mind the length lol it WILL be long as I had this cooped up for a few years, originally created back when things like Cami’s glitchtale and Jakei’s x-tale/underverse blew up(those actually were two major inspirations for me). Anyway next part will be the overview, again if you wish to help with either art or being co-owner, or even being a character feel free to reach out. I do already have the characters planned out in most ways, designs however aren’t set in stone but I have a general idea for each of them. I will be including the only pic I have of Yami in this post btw, wasn’t drawn by me but I can’t find who originally did it for me(if they happen to find this reply and I will credit you).

Overview of Demonicatale as a whole-the general idea is centered around demons and angels, not in the typical sense(think more of how Viv combines different ideas from different cultures, different times, and different myths and you got a good idea of what I mean) but most aren’t black and white evil(created this AU before I heard of the hellaverse so ironically that is very similar to what I’m imagining but not quite). The underground and surface lore regarding the war is the same. The surface is more like our world, and the underground is basically an Atlantis-like thing when compared to the surface. I already have the ending set in stone, Flowey of this universe and only Yami and Gaster survive(I’ll discuss Gaster in this universe in the characters section). However, it happens before the barrier breaks so the monsters never got out of the underground. The only remains are a couple scattered floating buildings(like 3 at most). Otherwise it’s a void. When I say Atlantis-like, I don’t mean underwater, I mean highly advanced.

Characters

Gaster-Not technically within the world but lives in the walls/dimension beyond it. My plan for him in demonicatale was for him to be the only unexplained aspect and that he would only be known of vaguely. Design-wise I was thinking something like a sort of fallen angel or fallen deity. Role and lore wise as I stated previously will never be fully explored. In principle, he is able to affect the stuff within the world of demonicatale, but cannot directly communicate with anyone. He is also invisible to everyone within demonicatale. Abilities wise, most non-combative abilities, also no healing abilities. Limited mostly to moving objects, can’t affect anything living/anything that has a soul.

The Dreemurrs-largely the same as base game, same applies to design mostly. Horns would be more akin to a pronghorn.

Frisk(no finalized name, feel free to suggest something unless you want it to be frisk)-very similar to Yami as I created those two as a yin yang type thing. Frisk however has more angelic design aspects and uses more light-related magic however both Yami and frisk can cast fireballs. Frisk actually lives with Toriel in the ruins, only leaves to run errands for Toriel.

Sans-similar to base game, however he is less laid back than base game. Puns stay, skeleton puns and sleep puns are the usual ones. Design has a few added elements, added elements are mostly more animalistic(mostly some horse or cow elements).

Papyrus-least similar to base game but still has similarities, doesn’t hate puns outright(he actually is more fond of puns in demonicatale than he is in base game). Added design elements of sans apply to papyrus too but they’re less matured.

Flowey-yes in demonicatale, Asriel and Flowey are separate individuals. Flowey actually has multiple, but very similar, designs in demonicatale. The element that stays in all the designs is a singular large eye, no mouth. The other elements vary depending on which part of the underground he is in as he can change his flower type to match that of the area’s flora. He speaks telepathically, also is able to have at most 1 spy plant(a fake plant that is actually a camera of sorts, again is also able to mimic the flora of an area). Still violent, but not to the extent of base game.

MTT-Still a ghost in a robot body, not a tv show star though. In demonicatale, MTT is a comedian, no particular style. Body isn’t pink, but more of a red-orange with hints of yellow. Design is identical to base game other than the color.

Napstablook-identical to base game, less depressed though. Still hangs out with MTT when the both of them aren’t busy. Blooky is a somewhat famous DJ. He even lets MTT perform comedy skits at his DJ joint, no name for the joint though. I’m open to suggestions. DJ name is MC bloop(a reference to the bloop sound that was a mystery for a long time).

Muffet-identical to base game, baker included. Design doesn’t change either aside from her having just 3 equally sized eyes.

Alphys-still a royal scientist, still likes anime and manga. Lizard is more akin in design to a Gila monster. Most of her research centers around what determines what type of magic an individual is able to use. She has plasma based powers.

Undyne-similar to base game, just a lot more intense to such an extent it can be overwhelming at times. Still a terrible cook, design is more hippocampus inspired.

Relationships

Yami Friends-Undyne, Sans, Papyrus, Dreemurrs. Research basis only-Alphys. Hates-Flowey. Neutral regarding frisk.

Frisk Friends-Dreemurrs They’re neutral on everyone else.

Blooky Family MTT Friends Frisk and Toriel(they all like snail hunting).

Undyne-same as base game, Yami even trains with undyne in regards to honing their spear attacks.

Alphys-same as base game, research partners with Yami.

The other relationships are same as base game expect Flowey and Asriel who have no idea of the other’s existence.

Extra information-Still in progress, again if you wish to help in anyway reach out.

[qazastra]

hi look at qaz’s (my) top album releases of 2022!!! in no particular order. some of my fav tracks like this. lyrics below. i probably forgot a few? don’t worry about it

AMERICAN GURL - kilo kish     american gurl, on the outside (justin’s song)

in a locked box / in a locked drawer / will i find me an american girl?

this is a capital-A Album. kilo kish has been on the periphery of artists i keep tabs on for like 8 years now and im so glad i sat down and listened to this release all the way through. talks about/around being, well, an American Gurl, but in a much more realistic and relatable way than lana. v cool. u must hear it in order (at least the first time)!!!!!

CHASE - minho    prove it, heartbreak

i haven’t sat with this one as long as the others but i already know these songs are gonna stick with me!! waterfall has recently been on my mind :-)

Sweet Home - no buses    stopstopstop, i’m with you, rubbish:)

if i can’t come to you, take me to the place where you are

albums that singlehandedly make you excited about indie rock again i’m not even exaggerating. a little downbeat overall, but cozy. i’m 90% sure their band name comes from the arctic monkeys song and that they are also influenced by early phoenix, if that gives you an idea of their sound. but don’t misunderstand, i don’t think it’s derivative! just gives me similar feelings of being emotionally affected by guitars that listening to is this it for the first time did.

The Car - arctic monkeys    sculptures of anything goes, mr. schwartz, big ideas

i had big ideas, the band were so excited / the kind you'd rather not share over the phone

i’ve been on band tumblr since i think right before the AM era and this is quite a departure from that stadium rock vibe but it feels like a natural progression from their previous (excellent) sprawling concept album. each song has a real charm to it, i’ve been really into most of them in turns.

2 Baddies - nct 127    gold dust, designer, crash landing, time lapse

HI HELLO. NEED I SAY MORE. i will though. FASTER INTO 2 BADDIES?? HI. that transition is so good. are you kidding me!!! on first listen i really thought faster should’ve been the title track lol. the first seven tracks are PERFECT. a couple of the other songs inspire ummm. mirth. let’s put it that way. and the closer is fine. but the great parts balance out the mid and even the mid parts have their merits. plus i really like that this album makes sense sonically as a cohesive whole, i think the vaguely cyberpunk promo imagery from the album teaser actually pays off!

Instinct Part 2 - onlyoneof    skinz, gaslighting

what can i say??? this was my first comeback with onlyoneof and it cemented their spot as one of my favorite bands/groups of all time. i know many people took issue with the tt skinz but i love its nails-on-a-chalkboard moments with my whole heart. on first listen gaslighting held my attention and it never let me go. suit dance, once i got past the kind of silly lyrics, is just so pleasant to listen to. and ultimate bliss. what can i say. peak onlyoneof. incredible.

Face The Sun - seventeen    domino, shadow, hot

to be honest this has got to be the first straight pop album that i ever listened to that was genuinely no skips. and that would earn it a spot on here even if the songs were aggressively mid. bUT THEY AREN’T. 

LP3 - hippo campus    ashtray, semi-pro

i’ve been bad but i’m only getting better

i’ll be real i forgot this came out this year till i was recently reminded that i saw them live for it and it was so so good... hippo campus’ lyricism blends really well with their production in this album in a way i haven’t seen before!! i might call it a coming of age album for the twentysomething lost in a city. something like that maybe.

CYBERKISS* - blackstarkids    pink stars, sex appeal

gotta stay fresh as fuck inside this user interface / even when i’m feelin down, i know that i’ll be up again

so very fun!! same label as the 1975 which makes a lot of sense looking back on it but like, in a good way i think. i love how they all share the vocals, i love the hyperpop and bubblegum influence, love the genuine lyrics and the silly ones. just a joy to listen to.

undergrOund idOl series - onlyoneof    begin, because

begin was my top played song of 2022. it’s really something. i wasn’t sure what to expect when they announced a solo for each member, but i think their creative freedom was really put to good use here!! each song stands alone and together and they all have a recognizable onlyoneof-ness, they all feel very unique to each other and suited to their respective members. that’s not to mention the b-sides that come with every new song-- remixes of old bsides, all great (even if the company is doing it so they have versions of bsides without love on them :/ ). and that’s not even mentioning the music videos!! they all tell stories about gay relationships :] i’m very much looking forward to nine’s solo in a few days to close out the series!! <3

[99tian]

43 天

Wow, it’s been a while! Going to research how many days I had left was is crazy, I don’t know how to feel about it. 

I can grasp now that I think as soon as I’m set to leave, I’ll feel that I will have just become adjusted enough, just have my feet on the ground enough, and then I’ll have to go. This is unfortunate. But I have to remind myself that this knowledge isn’t futile, even though it feels useless to get to know a city and its functions well that I won’t live in. If I ever came back, my knowledge of the city’s layout would all come back. What was before a big city map that meant nothing to me, now means so much more. And, beyond that, getting to know such a different type of city is possible is very positive. 

Since I don’t have a kitchen, I have to go out of my building to scavenge for meals. As this is just how I am, I don’t like repeating, eating at the same place if I can, I’ll always try to find a new place to eat. The more time I have, the farther the place will be. This was one of those days where I had more time to venture out. I hadn’t charged my phone overnight, so it was near dead, but I found a place and how to navigate to it on my laptop. Keeping the map on my laptop, I left, because I was starving and just wanted to get out. In a not-so-smart move though, I tried to look up another route, but didn’t have good enough wifi, so I lost the route. That meant that I was able to get on the right first bus, but wasn’t sure about the second bus. I vaguely knew where I was supposed to be going, though - I remembered that it was by the Sun Yat Sen Memorial. I decided to pick up a bike and bike there, it was just straight down the street I was on. I got off at what I thought was a park and started searching for the cafe. After a while of being hungry later, I realized it was just a very green roundabout. Finding the bus I could have taken, I hopped on, eventually reaching the Sun Yat Sen Memorial. All I had was the address of the cafe I wanted to go to. Not many are open before 12 actually. Walking down the streets, I could see a lot of places I could have dined at were closed. 

I still don’t really understand Taiwanese addresses. I guess now was my chance to try to understand them. I walked around several different big blocks. The lane numbers were confusing to follow, they didn’t really go in order. Off of the big streets, there are big blocks that contain a ton of small, not perfectly straight lanes - they aren’t in a grid. Fortunately, I found a map on the street, which was showing how to get to another parking lot or something, and I was able to find lane 408. It was almost 10 now, and I’d left at 8:20, so it had been quite a journey (with a coffee and then a croissant stop on the way). I felt very successful for finding it on my own. Though it was an accident this time to have to follow the address, I think it is a good challenge, a good game to play with myself to get to know the city better. I always feel safe here, so it is a safe challenge. Plus, being off of my phone is very good, for absorbing the city and generally not aimlessly scrolling. 

What I really came to this laptop to write about, though, is my experience at the park yesterday. This last week and weekend has been the first break from the constant rain and cloudy weather in weeks. I’ve never seen more different things happening at once. 

I was on the phone with my friend, approaching the park. I will try to faithfully relate everything I saw going on at once. It was a gorgeous day, and I could tell everyone had the same idea as me, wanting to go soak up as much sun as possible. 

I first saw some kind of cup flipping challenge happening. I heard shouting and then came across some kind of debate or speech political event. I walked past a beautiful pond glittering in the strong sunlight reflected on it. I finally found a place to sit down, thinking I was away from most people and commotion. Concentrating on the video call with my friend, I was distracted again by a parrot flying by, and looking up again I noticed I was entirely surrounded by people standing outside my small island of grass. There were parrots sitting on a bench, attracted to a man with a cup of something they liked, and the crowd around them were taking pictures of the many parrots. Going back to the call, it wasn’t long before there was another interruption - more shouting started coming closer to where I was seated, and I saw a parade of people walking by - Chiang Wan-an, a KMT candidate was walking by like a celebrity, which he is, willing to take photos with random citizens, people followed him hoping to get a photo. 

I left the park for the time being and ended the call to get dinner. But returning a little later before sunset, I saw even more. Walking down the street on the way to the park, a group of well dressed young women all sat on the sidewalk eating fruit, throwing the peels in a bag in the middle of their circle. The roller blading rink was not filled with people skating in circles as I would have thought, but had several different classes for children happening at once. Kids of different ages skated in lines, taking steps as instructed to build their stability; a little child fell backwards but quickly got back up to keep his spot in the line. All of them had stiff arms from the protective gear on their elbows and knees. 

Basketball games with teenage looking guys were going on next to the skating, and a little farther from that, kids soccer lessons. Families and groups of friends sat in circles scattered on every possible field of grass. A group of three friends laying down together were all relaxing on their phones. Elderly people sat in groups in silence just enjoying the moment, some on benches sat alone taking in the sights like me. I saw a mother disciplining her child as they threw a tantrum. Big groups of university aged students seemed to be putting on bonding events for their school activities. I was moved by the conscientiousness of Taiwanese society when I saw trails of rails for physical therapy - people standing out of wheelchairs and some not using these. Ending my stay at the park, I walked by the pond again to see people gathered, taking pictures of the trees, which had tons of white egret-looking birds sitting in them. Biking away from the park, I saw a political campaigner standing up into a fast-moving open jeep, shouting to gain attention as the car sped by. Campaigning is serious business here - I’ve seen hundreds of different faces throughout the country, and campaign posters cover every square inch. 

Though there is always a lot going on in the busy parts of the city I most frequent, it is mostly orderly along the streets - people are doing normal things. This was the biggest collection of different activities I have seen at once, and it was a beautiful moment to witness it - though I haven’t been to the park on the weekend before, it felt more vibrant and active than what it would be normally - a burst of energy after people had been locked inside for so long due to the rainy weather. 

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.

I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:

Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.

Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.

Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)

Hyper-vigilance: always feeling “on edge,” alert, unable to relax even in spaces that should feel safe. May be combined with an elevated “flight” response, or feelings of always being prepared to flee. (I used to hide important documents and possessions in a sort of emergency go bag, even when I was living alone and there was no logical reason other than it made me feel “prepared.”)

Difficulty regulating emotions: may include mood swings, persistent numbness, sadness, suicidal idealization, explosive anger (or inability to feel anger and other strong emotions), inability to control your emotions, confusion about why you react the way you do.

Sense of foreshortened future: assuming or feeling that you will die young. Recurring thoughts that "I'll be dead before the age of 30/40/18/21 etc." As a teenager I used to joke darkly that I didn't plan to live past 30—not because I planned to end my life, but because I simply couldn't imagine myself alive and happy in the long-term. I couldn't imagine a meaningful future where I wasn't suffering.

Emotional flashbacks: finding yourself suddenly re-experiencing feelings of helplessness, panic, despair, or anger etc, often without understanding what has triggered these feelings. Often these flashbacks don’t clearly relate to the memory of a single event (since C-PTSD is caused by repetitive events, which can blur together), making them harder to identify as flashbacks—especially if you’ve never heard the phrase “emotional flashback” and don’t know what to look for. For years I just filed it under “sometimes I overreact/freak out randomly for no reason, probably bc I am just a terrible human being.” (It turns out there was very much a reason, it was just hidden in the past. I have since learned to be kinder and less judgemental towards myself.)

There are other symptoms too, here are more links with good info.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, because I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I interact with online have risk factors and experiences similar to mine. These include:

growing up in a dysfunctional household

having caregivers who do not fulfill basic emotional needs (do not provide consistent positive attention, encouragement, support, acceptance, communication, a sense of safety and security)

on a very related note, experiencing neglect or abuse at the hand of caregivers or other adults. I also want to emphasize the significance of emotional abuse, since it is hard to recognize, easy to ignore, and utterly rampant in so many communities. In general, family dysfunction, abuse & neglect are quite difficult to identify when you are a child/teen and that is the only “normal” you have known.

(For example, in my family it manifested as an emotionally absent father I was vaguely frightened of, constant nagging from a hypercritical mother, and a house full of people who yelled and screamed at each other. It took me years to realize I grew up in an abusive environment, because there was no physical violence, because I participated in the fighting, and because my behavioral problems made me the family scapegoat. And I internalized that guilt: I thought I was the problem. But no—I was a child, and I deserved not to grow up in a household full of anger and fear and negativity. You deserved that too. You deserved to grow up safe and loved and treated with kindness.) 

anyway back to more risk factors:

being neurodivergent or chronically ill (especially without receiving proper treatment/support/accommodation)

being queer (especially in a conservative or undiverse community, or without the support and acceptance of family & friends)

being the target of bullying or harassment (from peers, teachers, authority figures, irl, online, etc)

being isolated or alienated from peers, from family, from your wider community.

growing up with chronic anxiety, discomfort, pain, fear, or distress caused by any of the above and more.

There are many other experiences that can cause chronic trauma, but these are some particularly common ones I see people in my own community struggling with. And I want more people to be aware of this, because we’ve been taught to ignore and second-guess the significance of our traumatic experiences. We’ve been taught to feel guilty for our own pain, because “other people aren’t struggling, so I shouldn’t either” or (contradictorily) “other people have it worse, so I shouldn’t complain.” But that’s not how it works—you are not other people, and you deserve to have it better. We all deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We deserve not to be in pain.

I used to think I couldn’t have a trauma disorder because (I argued in my head) the things that happened to me weren’t that bad. And then I spent five years in therapy learning to accept the full extent of my issues. I’ve since learned that trauma comes in many forms, and can happen quietly, invisibly, silently, chronically, and usually without the survivor being aware of the long-term repercussions of what they are surviving. That revelation comes later, after you have survived and must instead learn to live.

Finally, no single type of trauma is more real or harmful than any other. Severity is measured by the way the individual is affected, and the same situations affect different people in different ways. Because no one gets to choose how their brain reacts to trauma. No one gets to choose their hurt—otherwise there would be a hell of a lot less hurting in the world.

We can, however, choose to seek help. We can learn to recognize when something is wrong, we can learn when to reach out to professionals, and we can learn to educate ourselves on our injuries.

And gradually, we can learn to heal.

(posts like this brought to you by ko-fi supporters)

[mishafletcher]

Are you a Gold Star lesbian? (Just in case you don't know what it means, a Gold Star lesbian is a lesbian that has never had the sex with a guy and would never have any intentions of ever doing so)

So I got this ask a while ago, and I've been lowkey thinking about it ever since.

First: No. I am a queer, cranky dyke who is too old for this sort of bullshit gatekeeping. 

Second: What an unbelievable question to ask someone you don't even know! What an incomprehensibly rude thing to ask, as if you're somehow owed information about my sexual history. You're not! No one—and I can't reiterate this enough, but no one—owes you the details of their sex lives, of their trauma, or of anything about themselves that they don't feel like sharing with you.

The clickbait mills of the internet and the purity police of social media would like nothing more than to convince everyone that you owe these things to everyone. They would like you to believe that you have to prove that you're traumatized enough to identify with this character, that you can't sell this article about campus rape without relating it to your own sexual assault, that you can't talk about queer issues without offering up a comprehensive history of your own experiences, and none of those things are true. You owe people, and especially random strangers on the internet, nothing, least of all citations to somehow prove to them that you have the right to talk about your own life.

This makes some people uncomfortable, and to be clear, I think that that's good: people who feel entitled to demand this information should be uncomfortable. Refusing to justify yourself takes power away from people who would very much like to have it, people who would like to gatekeep and dictate who is permitted to speak about what topics or like what things. You don't have to justify yourself. You don't have to explain that you like this ship because this one character reminds you a bit of yourself because you were traumatized in a vaguely similar way and now— You don't have to justify your queerness by telling people about the best friend you had when you were twelve, and how you kissed, and she laughed and said it was good practice for when she would kiss boys and your stomach twisted and your mouth tasted like bile and she was the first and last girl you kissed, but— 

You don't owe anyone these pieces of yourself. They're yours, and you can share them or not, but if someone demands that you share, they're probably not someone you should trust.

Third: The idea of gold star lesbians is a profoundly bi- and trans- phobic idea, often reducing gender to genitals and the long, shared history of queer women of all identities to a stark, artificial divide where some identities are seen as purer or more valuable than others. This is bullshit on all counts.

There's a weird and largely artificial division between bisexuals and lesbians that seems to be intensifying on tumblr, and I have to say: I hate it. Bisexual women aren't failed lesbians. They're not somehow less good or less valid because they're attracted to [checks notes] people. Do you think that having sex with a man somehow changes them? What are you so worried about it for? I've checked, and having sex with a man does not, in fact, make your vagina grow teeth or tentacles. Does that make you feel better? Why is what other people are doing so threatening to you?

Discussions of gold star lesbians are often filled with tittering about hehe penises, which is unfortunate, since I know a fair few lesbians who have penises, and even more lesbians who've had sex with people, men and women alike, who have penises. I'm sorry to report that "I'm disgusted by a standard-issue human body part" is neither a personality nor anything to be proud of. I'm a dyke and I don't especially like men, but dicks are just dicks. You don't have to be interested in them, but a lot of people have them, and it doesn't make you less of a lesbian to have sex with someone who has a dick.

There's so much garbage happening in the world—maybe you haven't noticed, but things are kind of Not Great in a lot of places, and there's a whole pandemic thing that's been sort of a major buzzkill? How is this something that you're worried about? Make a tea, remind yourself that other people's genitalia and sexual history are none of your business, maybe go watch a video about a cute animal or something. 

Fourth: The idea of gold star lesbians is a shitty premise that argues that sexuality is better if it's always been clear-cut and straightforward—but it rarely is. We live in a very, very heterosexist culture. I didn’t have a word for lesbian until many years after I knew that I was one. How can you say that you are something when your mouth can’t even make the shape of it? The person you are at 24 is different to the person you are at 14, and 34, and 74. You change. You get braver. The world gets wider. You learn to see possibilities in the shadows you used to overlook. Of course people learn more about themselves as they age.

Also, many of us, especially those of us who grew up in smaller towns, or who are over the age of, say, 25, grew up in times and places where our sexuality was literally criminal.

Shortly after I graduated high school, a gay man in my state was sentenced to six months in jail. Why? Well, he’d hit on someone, and it was a misdemeanor to "solicit homosexual or lesbian activity", which included expressing romantic or sexual interest in someone who didn’t reciprocate. You might think, then, that I am in fact quite old, but you would be mistaken. The conviction was in 1999; it was overturned in 2002.

I grew up knowing this: the wrong thing said to the wrong person would be sufficient reason to charge me with a crime.

In the United States, the Defense of Marriage Act was passed in 1996, clarifying that according to the federal government, marriage could only ever be between one man and one woman. It also promised that even if a state were to legalize same-sex unions, other states wouldn't have to recognize them if they didn't want to. And wow, they super did not want to, because between 1998 and 2012, a whopping thirty states had approved some sort of amendment banning same-sex marriage.

Every queer person who's older than about 25 watched this, knowing that this was aimed at people like them. Knowing that these votes were cast by their friends and their families and their teachers and their employers. 

Some states were worse than others. Ohio passed their bill in 2004 with 62% approval. Mississippi passed theirs the same year with 86% approval. Imagine sitting in a classroom, or at work, or in a church, or at a family dinner, and knowing that statistically, at least two out of every three people in that room felt you shouldn't be allowed to marry someone you loved.

Matthew Shepard was tortured to death in October of 1998. For being gay, for (maybe) hitting on one of the men who had planned to merely rob him. Instead, he was tortured and left to die, tied to a barbed wire fence. His murderers were both sentenced to two consecutive life terms in prison. This was controversial, because a nonzero number of people felt that Shepard had brought it upon himself.

Many of us sat at dinner tables and listened to this discussion, one that told us, over and over, that we were fundamentally wrong, fundamentally undeserving of love or sympathy or of life itself.

This is a tiny, tiny sliver of history—a staggeringly incomplete overview of what happened in the US over about ten years. Even if this tiny sliver is all that there were, looking at this, how could you blame someone for wanting to try being not Like This? How can you fault someone who had sex, maybe even had a bunch of sex, hoping desperately that maybe they could be normal enough to be loved if they just tried harder? How can you say that someone who found themself an uninteresting but inoffensive boyfriend and went on dates and had sex and said that it was fine is somehow less valuable or less queer or less of a lesbian for doing so? For many people, even now, passing as straight, as problematic as that term is, is a survival skill. How dare you imply that the things that someone did to protect themself make them worth less? They survived, and that's worth literally everything.

Fifth, finally: What is a gold star, anyhow? You've capitalized it, like it's Weighty and Important, but it's not. Gold stars were what your most generous grade school teacher put on spelling tests that you did really well on. But ultimately, gold stars are just shiny scraps of paper. They don't have any inherent value: I can buy a thousand of them for five bucks and have them at my door tomorrow. They have only the meaning that we give them, only the importance that we give them. We’re not children desperately scrabbling for a teacher’s approval anymore, though. We understand that good and bad are more of a spectrum than a binary, and that a gold star is a simplification. We understand that no number of gold stars will make us feel like we’re special enough or good enough or important enough, or fix the broken places we can still feel inside ourselves. Only we can do that.

The stars are only shiny scraps of paper. They offer us nothing; we don’t need them. I hope that someday, you see that, too.