#I just basically am so guilty all the time which hurts so much it angers me and then i have to drive multiple hours a day picking people up

[werebutch]

My life the past couple years has mostly been made up of waiting for people in the car. Or driving people someplace. It kind of agonizes me to no end :(

[sadlittleratboy]

since you know more about Dabi than I do, I gotta ask,,,

does he ever like, actually act like a fuckboy in canon? Going around calling people 'doll' and whatnot? Being flirty??

I'm not a canon purist or anything, like take all the creative liberties you want with character traits in fanfiction it's whtvr man. But I'm generally so contused where it came trom since it's so, SO, many fics. I just cannot remember for the life of me if he actually acted like that anywhere in the story. Then again, Dabi's personality in general has always confused me.

No he hasn't, but people didn't just pull that out of their ass either.

Canon manga Dabi is bratty and complains a lot in a slightly tsundere manner, but when they made the anime they went a little harder. The anime made him much meaner, and you got the feeling that when he emotionally distanced himself it's because he actually meant it. His lines are delivered much harsher than they seemed in the manga, and with all the physical changes they made to him you basically have a mean six something hottie with a strong jaw who looks like he has a six pack long before his character actually got one (Dabi was teeny when he first appeared).

Basically you had the beginnings of a fuck boy, and the fic writers just finished it. He's mean, mouthy, and emotionally distant, so...that's a hot dom right there. I think it's a pretty fair jump, and it's totally ruined his fan content for me. I wanted the tiny brat.

The only time Dabi interacts with women in canon is mostly with Toga, where he calls her crazy a few times, and then sweetly burns down her childhood home and, again, acts like a tsundere about it. The other notable times are with the women in his family, Big Sis Magne, and when he ran from Mirko when she showed up during his fight with Endeavor and Hawks. I really can't think of anything else, so if there are other instances they aren't significant. This is true for both the anime and manga. He never brings up the idea of love or even attraction to anyone.

Dabi's personality is confusing, because first you have to work out which Dabi you're talking about, and in both instances Dabi constantly lies about his true feelings, hides hurt behind anger, and has conflicting feelings on certain topics. He's very human in a way I love, but it does make him difficult to characterize.

Slut Dabi is a popular head canon for both, though, and I think that's mostly because people are horny for daddy doms, pathetic wet cat boys, and stupid little gays. Dabi fits into at least one category, no matter which one you go with. Also the way his shirt is kind of basically a crop top and his constant tits out look. He's a victim of yassification and I am just as guilty.

[aspoonofsugar]

What are your thoughts on the yorkshin arc? My main issue is the arc never really lingered on Kurapika's feelings that much. I honestly didn't feel much for it. We were shown how angry and vengeful he was, but we never really got to see or feel just how hurt Kurapika was over losing his family, friends and home.

Maybe it's my own perception problem. This may sound mean but Kurapika just seem to be this badass arrogant cold-blooded chain bastard. After killing Uvo, he remained stone-cold. He wasnt bothered. He doesnt feel guilty at all. Was he supposed to be like this in the manga?

I still like it overall but i kinda wish it was more emotionally compelling just as Chimera Ant Arc. Chimera arc was super long so it has it's highs and lows. But I would say the highs of Chimera ant are higher than Yorknew.

Hello anon!

I love the York Shin arc tbh :)

I think it is not fair to compare it to the CAA, though, because imo its role in the narrative is more similar to the Zoldyck short arc for Killua, the Celestial Arena's arc for Nen, Greed Island for Gon and the Election Arc for Leorio. These are all set up arcs, where you are not expected to see all the conflicts solved.

The zoldyck arc introduces the main family members and dynamics, but it does not solve them

The Celestial Arena introduces nen, but it doesn't show its most interesting powers or applications

Greed Island sets up Gon's flaws, but it does not really deconstruct them

The Election Arc sets up Leorio's arc and potential as a politician, but it ends with Leorio losing the elections

Similarly, York Shin doesn't solve Kurapika's arc, but simply introduces its major themes together with the Spiders. It is the current arc (the Succession War Arc), that is supposed to give Kurapika and the Spiders the major characters development. Exactly like the CAA does for Gon and Killua. Notice, for example, that it ends in an anti-climax (like many HXH arcs that postpone conflicts). There is no final showdown between Kurapika and Chrollo, really.

That said, I disagree with with your reading of Kurapika as stone-cold. I would say the arc actually makes clear he is going through a huge emotional turmoil. Here are some examples:

Kurapika gets angry at Uvo and Pakunoda because they refuse to betray their comrades. That is because they go against Kurapika's ideas of the spiders as inhuman monsters. Senritsu even comments on this by saying how deep down Kurapika is starting to have doubts about his revenge, as he sees the spiders as humans.

He completely loses its cool and basically runs after them recklessly in a way that makes him easy to find. He is 100% ready to give in to his anger and to foolishly die in a 1 vs 3 fight. The only reason he survives is that Gon and Killua let themselves get caught.

In general, Kurapika is shown clearly suicidal, as he feels that without the Spiders he has no real reason to live. He even says so, which is why Gon telling him to look for his comrades' eyes helps him.

In the end, he temporally gives up his revenge to save Gon and Killua because he realizes that saving his friends that are still alive is better than avenging his dead ones. We even get a little foreshadowing of Pairo there.

Finally, Kurapika is so consumed by everything he literally sleeps for days and everyone is worried sick for him

So, his behavior is not really something I would call cold. Quite the opposite really. He is angry and desperate and at the same time the person he hates the most is really himself. So, he is sacrificing his life and his sense of self in a revenge, which will only lead to his death. I have written more about his arc here, if you are interested.

In short, I understand you expecting a more emotional narrative, but York Shin is not a climatic arc and in general Togashi's style tends to show in subtext much more than saying :) I am expecting more emotional outburst in the current arc, though, even if so far it is incredibly complex and a lot of time is given to explaining everyone's strategy.

Thank you for the ask!

[mouwrites]

I LITERALLY LOVE YOUR WRITING AND WANTED TI REQUEST SMTH🙏🙏🙏

basically a ninjago fic where the reader is lloyds little sibling who inherited more of their dads dark element. Bc if this the reader has a short temper and they tend to lash out sometimes. So the team tries to train them to work on power control. But one day they get mad at lloyd bc of an argument surrounding their dad who died bc of the events from the tournament of elements so the reader accidentally hits lloyd with their dark power. Lloyd is hurt for a while and the other ninja (who were watching the whole time) come to lloyds aid. the reader takes a double take and starts to feel guilty but feeling ashamed they run away to a secert spot that only them and lloyd know to reflect. A few hours later, when lloyd is healed up, wu urges him to go and find the reader because the other ninja have been trying for hours but haven't found them. So lloyd, reluctantly goes to find them and goes to their spot having a feeling they would be there. They both sit down and start to talk/apologize to each other and even talk about the past,(which includes their dad). And it ends with them joking around at their spot. 🤍

Thanks pookie hopefully this made sense I'm so sorry if it didn't😭!!🤍

Such a cute idea!! Beautifully brilliant brains, all of you <33

Word count: 1.2k

Ninjago - Arguing with Your Brother Lloyd

The gray sky flushed orange as the sun finally breached the horizon, bathing the forest in golden light. The bright rays made you squint, but you had to admit it was a lovely sight. Though it would’ve been prettier, you decided, if the Bounty was actually in the air.

“I have this one memory,” Lloyd said from beside you, “of watching the sunrise with dad. Neither of us said anything. We just watched. It was… nice,” he smiled.

“Don’t get that look in your eye,” you warned him.

“What look?”

“Like you were just so close with him. I was, too, you know.”

“I didn’t say you weren’t.”

“You didn’t need to! I saw it.”

Lloyd frowned, turning to face you. “Why do you always do this? Can’t we just have one nice moment together?”

“Maybe we could,” you growled, hands balling into fists, “if you weren’t so obsessed with talking about dad.”

“What are you even talking about? Am I not allowed to remember my dead father?”

“There you go again! He was my dad, too!”

“It’s not a competition!”

You snapped. In a whip-like motion you slapped your brother to the ground. His green eyes blazed through his blonde hair as he looked up at you. He lunged at your middle, tackling you to the floor.

You wrestled there on the deck for a moment before you were able to wriggle free. Springing to your feet, you assumed a proper fighting stance. Lloyd mirrored you. Somehow that only fuelled your rage. You felt something dark stirring in you; a feeling you weren’t a stranger to, having inherited your father’s dark side. But you didn’t have as much control over it as he did. When you swung your fist, you realized too late that it was enveloped with a dark smoke.

Lloyd was sent sprawling to the ground. He wasn’t moving. Good, you thought, huffing.

As Lloyd pushed himself off the ground with a weak groan, your adrenaline began to wear off, allowing you to take in the full scene before you.

The other ninjas had rushed out to the deck to help Lloyd, completely ignoring you. As you listened to their concerned voices, a pang of guilt began to settle in your stomach.

The guilt wrestled with your lingering anger. You shouted in frustration before turning on your heels and storming off the ship.

Lloyd swallowed the last of his tea. He rubbed the bandages on his head, wincing as his fingertips brushed the area where he had been hit directly.

“Messing with the bandages isn’t going to help your pain,” Nya chided, emptying the teapot into his cup. “I’ll go make more.”

Lloyd stared at the steaming liquid with furrowed eyebrows. Your argument replayed over and over in his mind. He felt mad and anguished at the same time, but mostly mad. At you. At himself. At the whole situation.

“Looks like your brothers are back just in time for lunch,” Wu said, his back to Lloyd as he looked out the window. “Y/n is not with them.”

Lloyd hummed in acknowledgement.

“They have been gone for some time now.”

“They’re probably just blowing off steam.”

Wu turned around. “I know what it’s like to have a sibling with darkness in them. Do not let that darkness drive you apart as I did.”

Lloyd gripped the teacup. As much as he hated to admit it, Wu was right. With a sigh, he stood up and made his way to the door. Before he left, he looked back at Wu. He could practically sense the grief coming from him.

I don’t want to end up like him. I don’t want to lose you.

He knew where you’d be. They frequently anchored the Bounty here, so you were all pretty familiar with the terrain. The lush woods made for great stealth training, but also good hiding.

He wove his way though the dense foliage, expertly navigating to a little alcove hidden perfectly by a thick ring of trees and tall bushes.

He could hear you talking to yourself. He couldn’t make out the exact words, but he could hear your pained tone of voice.

This was where you always went when you were upset; Lloyd knew because it’s where he’d come, too. It was your secret spot, just for the two of you.

He walked into the alcove.

“Hey,” he said quietly. You stopped mumbling, but didn’t turn to look at him.

“Hey,” you replied reluctantly.

Lloyd sat down next to you. He looked at the green trees surrounding you, stretching high into the sky with their leafy limbs. The foliage rustled as a soft breeze caressed the treetops.

You could both feel the tension. It was getting thicker the longer you sat in silence. At the same time, you both blurted: “I’m sorry.”

Lloyd laughed awkwardly. You just looked at your feet.

“I’ll go first,” you said, surprising him. “I shouldn’t have hit you like that. I didn’t mean to. I was just… really angry.”

“It’s okay. Well, it’s not, but I understand. Wu’s always telling us how dad was the same when they were younger.” Lloyd grimaced. “Sorry, I know you don’t like talking about him.”

You huffed. “It’s not that. I guess… I guess it’s just that I miss him. I miss him and it hurts, and I just want to forget all about it.”

“Sometimes I feel like that, too. But if I forgot all about it, then I wouldn’t have my good memories with him.”

“Aren’t those the ones that hurt the most?” You whispered, tears brimming your eyes.

Lloyd shook his head. “As they say: ‘don’t be sad that it’s over, be happy that it happened.’”

You swiped at your eyes. “I wish he was still here. I wish that stupid tournament had never—never—” Your voice gave way to a sob, and you buried your head in your knees.

“I know,” Lloyd said, his voice shaking a little. He wrapped his arm around you and leaned on your shoulder while he rubbed your back. “Me too.”

You stayed like that for a while, comforted by the realization that you were in the same boat. Ever since Garmadon died, you had been especially edgy around Lloyd. You didn’t realize until now how much you missed him, how much it would’ve helped to just talk with him. You wished you’d done it sooner. Or at least under better circumstances.

“To think,” you began, composing yourself a little, “all it took to get us to talk it out was a little fight.”

“Little? Do you see these bandages?” Lloyd prodded your shoulder playfully. “You may be younger than me, but you pack a punch!”

You grinned. “What, greenie can’t take a hit?”

“Greenie? Pfff—”

You both burst into a fit of giggles.

“If I’m greenie, then you’ve gotta be the fun-sized dark lord.”

“Fun-sized? You little—!” You batted at each other, smiling hugely and laughing. Eventually it escalated to roughhousing on the ground, though (unlike your earlier scuffle) your attacks mainly consisted of tickling.

When both of you had laughed up a stomach ache, you finally gave the roughhousing a rest. You laid on your backs, watching the sky while you caught your breath.

You opened your hand, looking at Lloyd expectantly. With a smile he placed his hand in yours, interlacing your fingers as he turned to continue looking at the blue heavens above.

In that moment—there, on the forest floor, holding hands with your brother—things were more right than they had been in a long time.

Thank you anon for this amazing request!! And thank you for reading! <33

(divider by saradika)

[rollercoasterwords]

so at the risk of sounding like an idiot…for whatever reason i thought this was going to be jegulily but has it actually been regulily bffs with jily/jegulus in a love triangle situation??? not asking in an angry or rude way but in an “am i so dense i missed this the entire time?’ way

(pls ignore me if you got this ask twice but my wife crapped out right as i sent this the first time)

yeahhh it’s not an easily categorizable relationship which is why the fic is not tagged jily or jegulus or jegulily bc it is. none of those. hang on i’ll explain under the cut don’t think it’s quite as much of a spoiler anymore but just in case

ok here’s the breakdown: regulus is in love with james. lily is in love with james. they first bonded when they realized they were both in love with james & both knew that nothing would ever come of it & both agreed not 2 sleep w him bc they knew it would just break their hearts etc. james is not in love with either of them. he loves them very much, but it is not the romantic love either of them desire. however he doesn’t view sex as a big deal just a fun thing to do with people, including people you love.

so like. in ch 20 what happened is that james + lily went home together, both kinda drunk, and in a moment of poor judgment & high emotion (they all might die the next day!) lily decided to sleep with james despite knowing it would mean something different for each of them & would probably make her feel like shit the next morning. james was down 2 clown & was just like aw my friend who i love of course i wanna have sex let’s have a good time! regulus walked in on them & got mad at lily bc he felt like she had betrayed their pact not to sleep with james & also bc he is jealous (he’s not being entirely fair to her, but emotions are messy sometimes, & lily understands why he’s upset). so in his anger he basically told james “u idiot she’s in love with u” & james, who thought he & lily were on the same page feelings-wise, realized that they were not & he slept with her even though he doesn’t reciprocate those feelings, which will hurt her.

so now lily feels shitty bc she sort of promised regulus she wouldn’t sleep w james and then did, and also bc james now knows she’s been in love w him 4 years which will irrevocably change & possibly destroy the once close friendship they had. and also she’s upset w regulus 4 telling james she was in love w him even if she understands why he did it. regulus feels shitty bc he walked in on his best friend sleeping w the man he’s in love with after she said she wouldn’t & he’s jealous & he’s angry at james 4 hurting lily even tho it wasn’t intentional & he’s angry at lily 4 putting herself in that situation knowing she’d get hurt & that it would hurt him & he feels guilty 4 telling james lily was in love w him bc he knows he just did it 2 hurt them both back so he’s angry at himself as well. james feels shitty bc he thought regulus & lily were both happy just being friends but is realizing that they’re actually in love with him and thus that his inability to reciprocate those feelings hurts them both deeply & there’s nothing he can do about it. & even if he could this is not a situation where either of them would be happy if he loved them both back like if he was in love with lily it would hurt regulus if he was in love with regulus it would hurt lily so. it’s a mess & everyone feels bad yayyyy who else cheered

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

I made a mistake last time, I said that I read chapters 22-30 when I only read 22-29, but now I have read chapter 30 and also chapters 31-34 so lets talk about those

Its so frustrating how Im more than halfway through this 700 page book thats ostensibly supposed to be about Feyre and Rhysand's complicated relationship developing and theres been no development because the things that should make their relationship complicated have just been completely handwaved. Like, if this book HAS to focus so much on Rhys to the detriment of Feyre, and he also just HAS to be morally good, atleast give him some kind of character arc of bettering himself, right now Im basically just looking at this stagnant statue of a guy through someone elses eyes which doesnt make for a rewarding reading experience

Ive also been noticing more and more weird retcons and idk what to call it, justifications for why Rhys is better even when hes doing the same shit as Tamlin I guess? The two big ones being, when Tamlin blew up that room after Feyre told him that he was suffocating her he did it out of anger, and, Feyre is fine with wearing dresses for the night court because she knows she can go back to wearing Illyrian leathers anytime, which is not how it was at the spring court.

First of all, I keep saying this, I am not a Tamlin girlie, I dont like him that much and hes doing a bad job dealing with Feyre, but you dont need to make shit up to make Feyre's choice to leave feel justified. Like, he was not punching the walls in anger, he felt so bad and guilty about hurting Feyre when all he wants is to keep her safe that his magic went haywire over it. And thats bad enough! I mean Feyre, who has a lot of trouble communicating her feelings, finally managed to tell him everything thats wrong and makes her feel bad and makes healing from her trauma difficult, and he reacts by basically having a panic attack which makes his magic react in a dangerous way. Idk about you, but I would not feel comfortable or even safe expressing my feelings to him, even if he didnt react like that out of anger

Like, Feylin could have just not worked out, it couldve just been disfunctional without being portrayed as abuse but it cant be, I guess because it needs to be abuse in order to justify Feyre leaving him. And thats so strange to me because the idea that women need any kind of ("serious") justification for leaving a relationship is completely anti-thetical to the themes of feminism and choice that this book is trying to go for. Like, why cant a woman just break up with a guy because she stopped feeling it, theres no reason not to break up with a guy who makes you feel bad even if hes not being outright abusive. Although, in this particular story there actually is a reason, which is that if Feyre left Tamlin without a "good" justification then Amarantha would win, she would be proven right about the fickle nature of humans and the pointlessness of their un-eternal love from beyond the grave and that would be a bummer because the first book is about how Love Conquers All, as is the case with pretty much all great romances. So Tamlin's unambigiously abusive now so that that beautiful idea of Love Conquering All doesnt end up being dragged through the dirt. ACOMAF essentially posits that the Love that was supposed to Conquer All isn't real because neither Feyre nor Tamlin were willing or able to truly love each other through their trauma, ergo it didnt actually Conquer All. Thats also why Rhysand isnt meaningfully affected by what should be traumatic events; because while Feyre can love someone through her own trauma, she cant seem love someone whos traumatized themself

I feel like the way I phrased that was pretty harsh, but I do think its kinda true, in a way. Idk man, the thing that makes talking about Feyre's new UTM trauma so difficult is that everyone, including the narrative itself, is expecting her to have worked through it within less than half a year when its like, shes immortal and also living in a world with no therapists, she can take a bit longer than that. I mean hell, everyone in the inner circle is like 500 years and all of their major traumata happened when they were very young and most of them have still not learned how to actually cope with them aside from killing/avoiding the people who caused it (atleast from what Ive seen, especially of Cassian), Feyre might honestly be doing better than all of them but she keeps dogging on herself which, remember, her perspective is objectively correct as of this book, so that sucks

Alright, three paragraphs to talk about that first point, lets move on to talking about the dress thing. I have already observed that it seems like Feyre might stop wearing pants entirely at some point despite how much this particular book keeps going on and on about Tamlin forcing her to wear dresses in conjunction with going on about Tamlin forcing her into a subserviant mother-role, implying that dresses are inherently depowering, and well. I hate that for Feyre but I do love being proved right

And like, okay, I think Feyre hating dresses is another ACOMAF retcon, but its a retcon in a weirdly circular way. Let me explain; in ACOTAR I didnt get the impression that she hated dresses, I thought she just preferred pants because its what she was used to and because for a pretty large chunk of the book she was thinking about fleeing or was in situations where she needed to run away from something and pants were just more practical for that. But when she trusted the fae a bit more and a special occasion came up or she wanted to make Tamlin feel flustered (? that one doesnt make that much sense to me tbh), she did ask for dresses to wear and only felt a little embarrassed about it because she didnt usually wear them. I didnt even get the impression that she hated the impractical rich noblewoman dress they put her in when she was sent back to the human world, just that she found it really silly and unfitting for her. And I do think her being willing to wear dresses was supposed to be a signifier of her healing journey and her learning how to be gentle and let herself be loved in that book

Then ACOMAF comes around and she suddenly hates wearing dresses, which also ties into her suddenly becoming some kind of adrenaline junkie when she previously wanted to live a peaceful and comfortable life. Now, granted, the difference is that in ACOTAR she wore dresses that she explicitly asked to wear, whereas in ACOMAF Tamlin just assumes that she will always wear dresses by virtue of her being a woman without asking Feyre about it at any point (I know Ianthe was actually more involved in the dress-stuff, but the narrative is making Tamlin responsible for it so Im just gonna go along with it for simplicity's sake). Thats reasonable enough

But then a little further into ACOMAF we have Rhysand doing the exact same thing, hes assuming that she will wear dresses for the sake of keeping up appearances and helping him with his politics (and also, he's assuming that she will let herself be sexualized via the apple-breast comment in front of Tarquin (and later the CoN-UTM reeanactment scene)) and hes right, because of course he is. But the reason its fine when Rhysand does it, I guess, is because he keeps reassuring her that she has a choice in these matters when she really doesnt. Like, did he pack some illyrian leathers just in case Feyre didnt want to wear the dresses he got her? If he did, theres been no mention of it. Theres also been no mention of him asking her if she preferred to wear pants or a dress for the Summer Court mission, even though it seems to me that harem pants are considered to be unisex in the Night Court while they seem to be considered distinctly masculine in places like the Spring Court

And then we get to the thing about this dress-stuff that makes me call it a 'weirdly circular retcon'; while Nuala is dressing Feyre up for her date with Tarquin, for lack of a better term, she looks at herself in the mirror and thinks about how maybe, after everything shes been through that forced her to become hard, shes starting to heal and can finally let herself be feminine and soft and pretty. If you'll recall from a few paragraphs ago, that already happened to Feyre in ACOTAR except it was more subtle, I dont remember her just straight-up thinking about it like she does in this scene in ACOMAF. So its the same thing, but instead of her wearing dresses that she excplicitly asked to wear, shes wearing dresses that her new bf picked out for her and all but made her wear

And honestly, thats a really good way of summarizing the differences between Feylin and Feysand and the way Feyre gets treated in these book, which is why I wrote so fucking much about this pretty insignificant detail

Surprisingly enough, Im not done with this monster of a post yet, because I have some stuff to say about the Summer Court

The way Cresseida was introduced and treated made me have what Im just gonna call an angry epiphany. Like, before she came along I just thought the feminism of this series was very shallow and very white, but after her introduction I was just angrily thinking to myself "How the FUCK is this series considered feminist in any way?! The three types of women that exist in this story are literally Protagonist's Sisters (characterized as Haughty Bitch and Infantilized Clueless Cinnamon Roll Who Can Do No Wrong respectively), Protagonist's Slaves Servants Who Are Inexplicably Always Darkskinned Women and Promiscuous Bitches"

Varian seemed fine, but I dont like that he seems to have something going on with Amren. I know I said I didnt particularly like her, but I did still kinda latch onto her as my aroace rep so I find that very disappointing. But I guess thats on me for having expectations like that of the most amatonormative book series Ive ever read

So, from observing this part of the fandom prior to reading the books, it seemed that if sjm critical people dont like Feylin, theyll usually like Feyquin as an alternative to the horrible but canon Feysand. Despite that, I didnt have the highest expectations because honestly, it not much harder for a character to be a better love interest than ACOTAR!Tamlin and Rhysand. Like, the thing about Tamlin is that he was a really boring guy but hes a very good love interest, and the thing about Rhysand is that hes also really boring and hes a very bad love interest, so I thought "okay, I know Tarquin is the youngest and he has that whole thing about actively wanting equality for faeries but no one taking him seriously because everyone thinks hes inexperienced, OBVIOUSLY hes more interesting than the guys who can access their power with no issue, and then he'll just be kinda flirty towards Feyre, as SJM MaLeS usually are and that makes him a decent enough potential love interest I guess" and thats all true but idk, actually reading about him made me like him sooooo much. Like, him and Feyre telling each other theyre easy to love? Mwah, gorgeous. I bet Rhys is really glad he has that mating bond because without it his sorry ass would NOT be able to compete with Tarquin

So now my list of m/f Feyre ships goes Feyquin > Feycien > Feylin and Feyre/Azriel are on about the same level to me I think > Feysand (not including feyssian bc I think its a crime to ship cassian with a woman sry)

I specify m/f Feyre ships because if I included all of the Feyre ships, Feyanthe would be at the very top followed by Feyre/Amren. Idk, I know its obscure, but when she was describing how Amren was wearing a crop top she said something like "a sliver of skin was left exposed, as tempting as a calm lake" and I was like oh? 👀 Those guys have potentialllllllll I mean who needs Mates when youre both Made amiright fellas. Also, Feyre/Mor would go above Feysand

Anyway, thats it from me again, I hope you enjoyed this

[fuckyeahficrec]

Merthur (Merlin / Arthur Pendragon)

I will add more in a near future

Please, give me suggestions for this blog and submit your own recommendations

These are listed by size - wordcount

which, as they kiss, consume - by schweet_heart - Rating: Mature - Words: 1000

Summary: “I only did it to save you,” Merlin said, feeling tired. “I’ve only ever used it for you, Arthur, I promise.”

“Well, I never asked you to,” Arthur said, and it was only because Merlin knew him so well that he heard the undercurrent of something else below the anger, saw the way his fists clenched with something like fear. “I never asked for any of this!”

Two Steps Away From Everything Falling Apart - by tehfanglyfish - Rating: Teen and Up - Words: 1838

Summary:  After years of imagining how this scene might play out, Merlin had never once considered that he might be the angry inquisitor, Arthur the one fighting back guilty tears. But everyone had their breaking point and Merlin was well past his.

The Fear in the Truth - by psychotic_fangirl369 - Rating: General - Words: 2345

Summary:  “Be still, young knights. I am the goddess of this realm and in order to cross my bridge, you have to fulfil a simple task. Do so, and you may cross unharmed. Fail, and you will die. If you do not wish to continue, you may leave now unharmed. But you will not find another way to cross my river and so your quest will fail.” “What is the task, goddess?” Arthur asked, lowering his sword and sheathing it. The knights followed suit. The goddess smiled coldly. “Simple. To cross the bridge, each of you must take your turn stating your greatest fear."

An Infuriating Man - by silkmoth - Rating: Teen and Up - Words: 2408

Summary:  Merlin broke into a run, arrived at the field and saw Arthur pummeling Gerard across it. The other knights were standing huddled together at one side, looking like frightened mice.

fight through the dark - by bellamyblakru - Rating: General - Words: 2770

Summary:  “You’re hurt. Please, just let me heal it.” + Hurt/Comfort

Please Tell Me You Don’t Do That With Lancelot (Not Jealous) - by Hisa_Ai - Rating: General - Words: 2997

Summary: Did Arthur mention that he was not jealous? Not at all?

"You're jealous of all the time I've been spending with Lancelot—though I can't imagine why, since most of my day and life is spent with you or doing things for you or thinking about you—honestly, there isn't much of my life that isn't already all about you, so why the hell you would ever need to be jealous is—"

"Look, I'm not jealous of all the time you've been spending with Lancelot, all right?" Arthur interrupted.

"Yes, you—"

"No, I'm not." Arthur said stubbornly.

Misrule - by thehoyden - Rating: Explicit - Words: 4293

Summary:  "Well," Morgana said, looking pleased, "Maybe Arthur won't actually throw the tourney this year."

Burning With Fear - by LadyoftheWoods - Rating: General - Words: 4877

Summary:  Merlin is acting strange. No one knows why, until a hunting trip.

change me, at all costs (starlight, starcrossed) - by WingedWolf121 - Rating: - Words: 7189

Summary:  Arthur proposes to Merlin, and Merlin tells Arthur about his magic. Arthur doesn't react well, and Merlin is gone from Camelot the following day. (Basically, what if 4x09 but instead of Lancelot the big "betrayal" is a magic reveal?)

Finding Home - by riventhorn - Rating: Explicit - Words: 7857

Summary:  When Gaius retires a new physician takes over and quickly kicks Merlin out of his room and takes it for himself. Arthur finds Merlin sleeping in the stables...and it's winter.

Loyalty in Seven Scenes - by i_claudia - Rating: Teen and Up - Words: 8016

Summary:  Arthur is not often furious. Frustrated, yes; irritated, most certainly; even angry when the occasion arises; but he rarely indulges in the full glory of rage, the hot rush of fury beneath his skin.

The Three Stages of Attraction to Merlin - by SassyWarlock - Rating: Explicit - Words: 8837

Summary: After the barmaid in that tavern called Merlin 'handsome' Arthur can't stop thinking about it and begins to pay attention to his manservant as he hasn't before, trying to figure out what it was the woman had seen in the other man. This is the result.

Or

The three stages of Arthur realizing he's attracted to Merlin.

Fools of Us All - by adelagia - Rating: Explicit - Words: 11141

Summary: Merlin accidentally makes everybody in Camelot fall in love with him. Everybody except Arthur, that is.

At Our Best When It's From the Hips - by derryere - Rating: Explicit - Words: 12781

Summary: Merlin goes to a brothel to get rid of that virginity thing and runs into Arthur. From there on, it's all madness.

Better with You - by Leandra - Rating: Explicit - Words: 15345

Summary: Arthur is having a terrible day full of bad news, misfortune and a mouthy and irritating manservant. Strangely enough, it’s a rather surprising altercation with said irritating manservant that turns the day around and soon, Arthur is convinced that having Merlin in his bed is the remedy to cure all his horrible days…

Long Live the King - by arcturus7 - Rating: Teen and Up - Words: 19325

Summary: Arthur, who doesn't know about Merlin's magic, hosts a tournament for his Court Sorcerer. Merlin is not jealous. No, why would he be? That's stupid. So what if the new Court Sorcerer seems to be kinda powerful? Also, power-hungry people suck. Like a lot.

-or- Arthur knows but doesn't know. Merlin hates the new guy (with good reason). Arthur ignores Merlin. They're idiots.

Guided by a Beating Heart - by LiGi - Rating: Explicit - Words: 20000

Summary: Finally, after one and a half thousand years of waiting for him, Merlin is happily together with Arthur. But what happens when Guinevere rises from the Lake of Avalon? Will the king go back to his queen? Or stay with his warlock?

Parchments - by BlueGrassSax - Rating: Explicit - Words: 32816

Summary: Merlin decides to partake in a new anonymous letter service that has been doing the rounds in Camelot. He's not sure what makes him think this is a good idea, but his penpal seems funny and kind, if not a bit pessimistic. Maybe this is exactly what he needs to help him get over Arthur.

Right?

AUs (Alternative Universes)

Please Don't Let Me Go (I Desperately Need You) - by GeekLover - Rating: General - Words: 6157

AU - Modern Setting

Summary: "Why can't I stop? Why can't I just stop loving him?" Arthur's world is rocked when he overhears Merlin's confession of love. In his heart, Arthur knows what he needs to do. He's just not sure if he's brave enough to do it.

Best Man - by lamardeuse - Rating: Teen and Up - Words: 9826

AU - Modern Setting

Summary: Arthur needs a date for Gwen's wedding. The rest is history.

Lord Drake's Bequest - by Pennyplainknits - Rating: Mature - Words: 9966

AU - Modern Setting

Summary: "To my great-nephew Arthur I bequeath Tintagel Distribution, wholly and without reserve, save for one condition. You must marry, and stay married, for a period of no less than six months. You're a wonderful businessman Arthur, but a full life needs love and companionship, not just a string of affairs. Settle down young Arthur, and your life will be the richer for it."

[angelpuns]

OKAY THEN RANTING ANON WILL GET INTO IT RN >:O

Again spoiler warning GO READ SPARKS OF BLUE!!!!

So Raph is obvi high empathy, but even with that it doesn't make it so you just don't feel negative emotions toward a person because empathy doesn't just apply to happy or sad it also applies to anger and Raph has a whole lot of anger, and so does Donnie! But Raph actually understands why he's angry and doesn't want it to take it out on anyone because he can analyze it and he's really in-tune with his emotions because he always feels them so strongly and he can see that anger in Donnie, and he can see how guilty CJ feels. And yeah he's angry too, just like Donnie and he gets why Donnie is angry. But at the same time he can see a lot better than Donnie can that Cj also feels guilty and is grieving too! I'm very bad at explaining but basically Raph is just as angry as Donnie, and he gets and shares that anger in Donnie, but he also doesn't want to take it out on anyone because he also recognizes the guilt and sadness in Casey, so instead of hurting anyone else he hurts himself the way most autistic people with high empathy do, because they can handle seeing themself hurt, but they can't handle seeing anyone anyone else hurt because of that high empathy.

Now with Donnie it's another story, because he has low empathy but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about his family. No he still didn't want April to cry, he still didn't want her to have to walk, etc etc. But when it comes to someone not as close to him as Casey, he doesn't care! He's more worried about how he feels, how angry he feels and and how his family feels because he isn't close to Casey. He cares how he feels and at the moment he was angry, and he isn't sure what he should be angry at and Casey was a part in what Leo did so he's angry at Casey, and unlike Raph he can't see that Casey is sad too, and that he's angry and grieving too. Because of his Low empathy he doesn't know and doesn't really care! Both him and Raph are feeling the same thing they react differently because Raph has high empathy and can see that Casey is hurting and doesn't want to make it worse, but Donnie doesn't and honestly just wants to feel better himself and can't see that he's hurting someone else in trying to do that! Personally when I'm dealing with big emotions I try to work through it as fast as I can and go back to normal and that's what Donnie's trying to do, and having something to hate and something to in a sense destroy that he things is the source of his big, bad emotions gives him something to get rid of so he can feel better again!

Like I said, I suck at explaining this but tldr, Donnie wants his emotions gone and doesn't care who he hurts trying in to get rid of them (Which is caused by low Empathy) and Raph wants to keep all his emotions to himself so he doesn't hurt anyone else because they're already hurting (which is caused by high empathy)

This might not be the most accurate but its hard to put into words what I'm thinkin <3

YES YES YES YES I AM EATING THIS UP RN GOOD INFORMATION FOR MY BRAIN!!!

This is making so much sense btw, like this explanation has done for me learning about high vs low empathy than anything ( I am not very smart and also have not looked into it a lot lmao)

BUT MANNN THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE FOR RAPH IN CANON TOO ( to me anyway) LIKE LIKE LIKE AUGH

I wish I had more to say about this but frankly this explanaton literally sums it all up LMAO

POV I KNOW I WROTE IT BUT HAVING SOMEONE ELSE EXPLAIN THE WHY OF CHARACTER'S ACTIONS/EMOTIONS IS HELPFUL AND GOOD TO ME!!!

[inutaffy]

“you’ve always been jealous of me!”

“maybe that’s bc you were always splinters favorite!”

“raph. i love you bro.”

DO YOU SEE. DO YOU SEE. THE DUCKCIJF SHIFT IN TBEIR EXPRESSIONS MAN TBE FJCKFGMOFYHEFNEN GHE WAY. THATS HIS BROTHER MAN THATS HIS FUCKFJFG. OUGH. I HATE THIS STUPID SHOW WHAG THE ACTUAL FUCK. THE. THE. “JEALOUS?!” SO MUCH OF HIS EMOTIONS TRANSLATE TO ANGER OR JEALOUSY TOWARDS OTHERS AND IT DRIVES ME FUCKINF CRAZY. MAYBE IT WAS AT FIRST (aka beginning of s1) BUT IT ISNT NOW AND THATS FHE WHOLE POINT THAGS THE WHOLE DUCKIJF POINT. HE ISNT JUST JEALOUS AND AND ANGRY ALL THE TIME FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES BRO IS JUST 16 AND WATCHING HIS WHOLE PLANET GET DESTROYED. BRO IS 16 WATCHING HIS FATHER MURDERED IN FRONT OF HIM. BRO IS 16 AND WATCHING WHILE HIS OLDER BROTHER BASICALLY BECOMES AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON RIGHT BEFORE HIS FUCKING EYES, PICKING UP EVERY BURDEN EVER AND JUST SOLDIERING ON LIKE THIS IS SO FUCKIJF AWFUL.

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

ANYWAYS.

SO YEAH MAYBE HE DOES WISH HE WAS LEADER IF ONLY SO IT MEANT LEO DIDNT HAVE TO BE. IF ONLY SO LEO COULD BE LEO FOR A MINUTE BC YOU KNOW WHAG RAPH IS???? RAPH IS GUILTY. RAPH FEELS SO FUCKING GUILTY ALL THE DUCKIJF TIME AND I DOMT HAVE THE ABILITY TO GO INTO THAT RIGHT NOW SO YOURE JUST GONNA HAVE TO TRUST ME. TRUST ME ON TBIS I AM RIGHT ABOUT THIS. I CANT DUCKIJG STAND FBIS SHOW.

AND TBH I DONT BLAME RAPH. LIKE IF MYYYYY OLDER BROTHER GOT PROMOTED ONE DAY AND STARTED TRYING TO PULL RANK ON ME I WOULD BE A BITCH ABOUT IT TOO. THE FUCK. MAKE ME ASSHOLE. YEAH. BUT ALSO. AS THE ELDEST DAUGHTER. AND JUST YK. AS ME. I AM ME. ANOTHER THING IS THAT LEO IS JUST. IMPRESSIONABLE? A LITTLE BIT? ESP IN THE EARLY SEASONS. WHICH MAN I CAN RELATE TO. BITCH FIXATED ON A TV SHOW AND MADE IT HIS WHOLE PERSONALITY WHICH I LOVE FOR HIM BUT GOTDAMN. LEO LITERALLY GOES INTO BATTLE IN S1 QUOTING HIS SPACE HEROES SHOW AND MAKING STUPID ONE LINERS AND TRYING TO BE ALL HEROIC BUT IT JUST COMES OFF AS DORKY AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH. IT MAKES ME SAD. HE’S FOLLOWING EXAMPLES AND HE WANTS TO IMPRESS AND HE WANTS TO DO GOOD OK HE WANTS TO GET A GOOD GRADE IN CHILD WHICH IS NORMAL TO WANT AND POSSIBLE TO ACHIVE LIKE LEO IDEALIZES SPLINTER THAT IS HIS DAD MAN HE STRIVES FOR HIS APPROVAL. I DONT CARE WHAT MY DAD HAS TO SAY MOST OF THE TIME BUT FAVING HIS DISSAPOINEMENT???? FUCKINF AWFUL.

AND THEN THE DUCKING KRAANG HAPPEN AND SPLINTER TELLS HIM TO PREPARE FOR LOSSES. PREPARE TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. AND HE REALIZES OH SHIT IS FR. UHM. OKAY. SO MAYBE THIS LEADING ISNT ALL I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. AND HE EXPRESSES THIS. MULTIPLE TIMES. THROUGHOUT THE FIRST AND SEVOND SEASON. AND THEN BE JUST STOPS. BRINING IT UP ALL TOGETHER. HE JUST STOPS. LIKE. DUDE. DUDE. HE WANTED TO BE LEADER SO BAD AT FIRST AND THEN THE HORRORS CAME FOR HIM. HE WAS NOT READY. NOW DONT GET ME WRONG, LEOS IN GENERAL ARE FUCKIJG CRAZY MAN THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT, LEO IS FULLY CAPABLE OF BEING THE LEADER HE JUST. HE WASNT FUCKING READY YET MAN. HE WAS 15. IM GONNA FUCKINF CRY.

NOT TO MENTION. IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT. HE’S KINDA ELEVATED TO THIS PEDESTAL AND NOW HE’S DUCKINF STUCK THERE MAN. LEO KEEPS TRYING TO BE THEIR LEADER AND TO HIM, THAT MEANS HE HAS TO DO IT ALONE. HE’S THE LEADER. YES HE KNOWS THAT HIS BROTHERS WILL BE THERE FOR HIM HE KNOWS THAT HE ISNT ALONE BUT THAT DOESNT CHANGE THE FACT THAT AT THE END OF THE DAY HE IS THEIR LEADER AND HE HAS TO BE ABLE TO STAND ON HIS OWN AND THAT MENTALITY BLEEDS INTO EVERYTHING ELSE AND RAPH (and the others tbh. fuckijg everyone) JUST WANT THEIR FUCKING DORKY CRINGEFAIL LOSER BIG BROTHER BACK. DO YOU UNDERSTAND.

[watchinglikeafangirl]

What just happened?! I am confused this ep was soo different.

And maybe there's an answer to that change...but it's just me rambling about too many thoughts

As everyone knows, Mew is the protagonist of Only Friends and the narration shifts from episode to episode. Most changes can be linked to Mew's emotions. This week's episode is a perfect example because the way Boston and Top are portrayed has changed.

Last week, Boston was kicked in the pool, Top was told to stay away, Mew and Ray weren't with each other. Now, Mew and Ray are in a relationship/situationship/whatever which is obviously a very toxic symbiosis. It consumes them and it's the lowest point they've ever reached. It's a very self-centered relationship where they share nothing but their pain even if that pain is not the same. They drink and get high to forget.

Top made Mew desperate and devastated. He is the reason Mew is no sunshine any more and his behavior of constantly seeking Mew's attention while Mew rejects him is concerning. In the beginning of the episode, it's portrayed as obsessive when Top talks to Mew in the bathroom at university.

Mew is still angry. But the longer the episode goes on, Top seeking Mew's attention shifts into something cute. Mew is hurt, he is heartbroken, he misses Top. He's not forgiving him at all but he doesn't think of Top as a bad person even if he wants to. Mew even gets mad, shouts at Top and Boston to get a room since they're free now. Mew is that pissed and hurt but Top taking him home is still not portrayed as obsessive or creepy.

The last scene is Boston inviting Cheum's brother over. He felt guilty all the scenes before because Mew wanted him to feel guilty and Mew imagined him to be guilty but after that closure, Boston does what Mew knows him for. Maybe Boston slept with guys even after Mew found out and maybe he didn't. We don't know since Mew doesn't bother and hopes he didn't.

Boston is someone Mew hates now but still, they were friends for a very long time. There is only one scene with Mew and Boston but the way Boston acts in all of his scenes is different than before. We always saw him hooking up with someone, messing around, all of that. We didn't get to see much of his life in between. Even the scenes with Nick weren't about Boston's life. We basically don't know who he is or if he even has human emotions. At this point, Boston was mostly cold. But at the party, he walks around with a kinda sad face, he looks heartbroken. When Nick talks to him, the look he gives is such a mix of emotions, I can't even name them all. It's anger, sadness, guilt and a slight amount of disinterest. He is not over Nick and it feels so real. Boston almost feels too real of a person. His true self shines through a tiny bit.

So, what does that have to do with Mew being the protagonist? Well, Mew is occupied with being heartbroken, high and craving memories of the good moments with Top that Boston doesn't matter much. Boston doesn't take up much of Mew's life and thoughts. Even when Mew shouts at him when drunk, Boston doesn't say anything. He doesn't have to, Mew crossed him out of his life. Mew is not interested in Boston's answer, so Boston doesn't have an answer. It's closure on Mew's side since Boston has nothing else to offer him than to leave. Mew doesn't forgive him, so Boston leaves his life and is set free to be himself. I am looking forward to next week to see if they will find a way back to each other or not.

This week, Ray is the villain of the story. Everybody was concerned for him the entire time. He doesn't worship his life and Mew told him more than once to learn to love himself but Ray didn't listen. Ray never listened and stayed in his self-pity. Mew wanted him to listen even though it would absolutly break Ray once he acknowledges what's being said to him. I'm not saying the police is there because Mew wished for Ray to realize his life is not working in his favor. What I mean is, Ray seems to be the solution out of the heartbreak. Mew knows Ray is a good guy but once you're in a relationship/situationship/whatever you see true colors. Ray is a good guy but he's messed up, so the way he's portrayed shifts throughout the episode. Mew finally sees Ray falling down, he sees how Ray really lives his life, so it's romantic at first but it becomes toxic very quickly. The kiss did not feel good and Ray is out of sight afterwards. And then it goes to hell like it had to. Mew saw he couldn't help Ray, so he let go and let the world tell Ray it has to stop. It truly feels like it and Ray realizes there's no one able to get him out, except maybe for Top and his heroic act of bribing the police officer just at the right time. Saving the day in a way Mew would love him for.

This kinda looks like I want to say Mew is directing the story but I just wanna say, the characters are shown in a light Mew sees them in and sometimes not how they really are. It's obvious with Top but Boston had quite a change as well since their friendship ended and he was send off to be himself.

[always-andromeda]

˚ʚ 𝕬𝖓𝖉𝖗𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖉𝖆'𝖘 𝕻𝖔𝖗𝖙𝖆𝖑𝖘 𝕽𝖆𝖓𝖐𝖎𝖓𝖌 ɞ˚

Here's the giant Portals ranking that no one was waiting for!! 🥰 This whole post is unnecessarily long and includes my shitty little analysis so hey, thank you if you read any of this! If you don't read this giant post, then I will make my main point quickly. This album is fucking beautiful. And Melanie continues to top her previous work in so many ways. The direction that her narrative is going in is one that I am so into and if this post does anything at all, I hope it encourages you to take a look at this album and her other music. Because I think the things she has to say with her discography are both highly creative and deeply topical. My love for her artistic vision is immense and I hope that comes across in this post. Anyhoo, I love you all. Stream Portals, please and thank you!! 💞✨

𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐫: I am just a random dork on the internet who's a huge music lover and especially a massive Melanie fan. That's all. And I genuinely love every song on this album. For me, Melanie's discography is one of the few skipless ones I know of and this album continues that tradition. The songs near the bottom of this list are only there because the ones that are listed before it were so memorable for me.

❥ 𝐄𝐕𝐈𝐋

loving you was lethal, guess that makes me evil...

We're starting off this ranking strong with my absolute favorite song on this whole album. I'm warning everyone by saying that I love this song with my entire heart and I am taking this opportunity to get all of feelings about it out. Because if you've ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, this is a song you scream the lyrics to. I would 100% recommend doing this; it's unexplainably therapeutic. I think one of my favorite little tidbits about this song is that Melanie kept rewriting lyrics because they weren't mean enough. She said she spent a whole day completely wrecking her vocal cords for this song. And there's something so empowering and radical in a person who is normally so compassionate and empathetic exercising that kind of pure, unadulterated anger. Personally, I've spent a very long time almost feeling guilty over that anger because it isn't proper or kind. But Melanie's articulation and expression of this rage and refusal to keep taking mistreatment is fucking everything. In the past year or so, I've had to do a lot of work to completely embrace that evil and crazy label. Out of all the conflict songs on Portals, this one is my favorite. The lyricism and instrumental are perfect for the song's energy and I will keep screaming along to it basically any chance that I get. For all of my friends out there who have been in this kind of relationship, you are entitled to your anger. You are allowed to feel wronged. You are not a bad person for being upset that you were hurt. Fuck decency and respect. That all died the day they decided to cross you over and over. Your anger and your emotions are powerful and they are allowed to be expressed.

❥ 𝐍𝐘𝐌𝐏𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐘

be the manic pixie dream girl that you fucking ought to be...

Based on the name alone, I didn't think I would love NYMPHOLOGY as much as I do now. Prepare for me to also go on a massive rant for this song. Now, I know a lot of this song references Greek mythology. But, as a person who got a kick out of consuming Lolita analysis' as a teenager, my brain can't help but draw comparisons to Lolita's main characters. Like I heard the lyrics, "Call me your nymph, / Praise me for martyr, praise me for sin" and, "Auctioned to a selfish man who thinks that he's the prophecy," and went, "Oh my god...Humbert Humbert????" But this song definitely commentates on a larger social trend. And that is know-it-all man children who victimize women who are ten times more interesting and compassionate than them. Which is an experience that way too many AFAB folks can relate to. Similar to EVIL, the first words I can think of to describe this one are angry, empowering, and earnest. On a real note, I love the way that Melanie makes it very clear that there's no point in blaming yourself if you've fallen into this kind of situation. I've had many conversations with friends who've shared this kind of experience and the first thing we all do is think of ways we fucked up. But at the end of the day, we loved earnestly and that shouldn't have been used against us. Not only that, but we can continue to be the manic pixie dream girls that we once were, but this time for ourselves (btw, the AMULET outro at the end slaps and I love how it connects to EVIL).

❥ 𝐌𝐎𝐎𝐍 𝐂𝐘𝐂𝐋𝐄

womb shedding any lessons, making room for blessings...

I'm about to go on a hell of a rant for this song too. I cannot describe how frustrated I got at all the folks using the snippet of MOON CYCLE on TikTok and going, "Oh, I guess Portals won't be skipless lmao." I was a MOON CYCLE Stan from day one and I take such pride in it. Not only does this serve as a fun little diss track on Oliver Tree but it is also a song that makes me feel like...wow. I am a being that has a period. That's kind of fucking cool. And this is something I've struggled to be okay with for literally almost ten years now. There's something incredibly empowering in how Melanie's art has recontexualized gender and expression for me. This is something I could talk about for forever, but I have always felt very removed from the concept of femininity. Between being a plus sized person and having never really fit into the classical definition of femininity in the first place, Melanie manages to reframe femininity in a way that isn't dependent on misogyny or comparison. It's beautiful. And I love her endlessly for giving me a song that listen to when that period depression is hitting hard and I wanna visualize a man who is down bad for period sex. Thank you, Mother Melanie.

❥ 𝐒𝐏𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐄𝐁

no one can leave once they merge...

Most of my initial love for SPIDER WEB came purely from my ADHD ass brain going "ooooo fun instrumental!!!!" Truly...put an instrumental that scratches the neurodivergent urge in brain in my lap and I will be playing that funky noise on repeat forever. However, I have since read a little more into the background of this song. However, with the added context of this song being about social media makes every lyric hits that much harder. It also really explains Melanie's reluctance to be active on social media outside of artistic purposes. The parallel she draws between a spider web and the tantalizing but destructive draw of social media is actually brilliant and I love her for it (I say as I write a Tumblr review for her album lmao whooo no one say anything to me).

❥ 𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐑

you are the light, i've been searching for forever...

Based upon just the snippet of this song that was released, I didn't think this one would rank super high on my list? Like I loved the snippet, don't get me wrong! But the whole song continues to grow on me the more I listen to it. I think this is closest we get lyrically to peace and happiness on Portals. And I think it's grown on me so much because it reflects so much of the personal growth I've made in the past year. It perfectly describes the relief and comfort you take in finding people who genuinely give you hope for living after spending so long being devoid of it. Those kinds of people are rejuvenating, refreshing, and healing; they're showers of pure light.

❥ 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇

i'll be meeting you here every time...

This opener is nothing short of perfect in my eyes. It's effective at giving the listener a taste of the themes that Melanie touches on in the rest of this album. Narratively, it functions as our introduction to Crybaby's new form. But in a real sense, it's Melanie reintroducing herself after a three year hiatus since K-12. Using this as the first single before the release of the album was actually brilliant and it makes me glad that Melanie's label is finally seemingly putting more into the marketing of her music? Overall, a powerful and iconic opener to this era.

❥ 𝐓𝐔𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐋 𝐕𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍

but i'm more than than, more than that...

Now I've been obsessed with the prelude snippet of this song since the Hatching clip was released about a month or so ago. In this, Melanie is challenging the subject of the song to widen their tunnel vision; to look at her in a deeper way than just purely superficial aspects. This is a theme that she's touched on a little bit in some of her other music (see K-12's Lunchbox Friends). But here is where she also plants the idea that underestimating her isn't just a mistake, it is dangerous. This underlying darkness and danger is expanded upon beautifully in NYMPHOLOGY and EVIL (Also the chanting at the end gives me such goosebumps, holy shit, I love it).

❥ 𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐃

i fear i won't live to see the day tomorrow...

VOID is the track that really kicks off the pop-punk and pop-rock influences of this album. And apparently this is the first song Melanie produced completely on her own!! Which makes complete sense considering how personal the lyrics come across. Narratively VOID fits snuggly alongside DEATH. It is Crybaby grappling with her anxiety and insecurities after going through rebirth.

❥ 𝐁𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐑𝐘𝐍𝐗

how stupid, selfish baby...

As a person who has had to calm articulate themselves through many arguments with folks who just yell a lot of nothing at you...this one slaps. There's something kind of reassuring with Melanie continually emphasizing the importance of being empathetic, thoughtful, and communicative through her music. Mostly because sometimes it's easy to get exhausted being that way. But her eloquent lyricism and her ability to mesh metaphors into her music absolutely convinces me that those abilities are valuable and I should be proud of them in myself.

❥ 𝐅𝐀𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐄

gather me, all of we, everyone...

Genius describes FAERIE SOIRÉE as Crybaby on a mushroom trip, trying to escape the hallucinations before ultimately giving into the magic. Which...yeah. That kind of makes sense. Melanie's vocals exude this ethereal, dreamlike quality that is only elevated by the vocaloid interlude at the end. The interlude portion is actually one of my favorite parts lyrically as it builds more of the mythical, mystical vibe from this era by suggesting that all beings are connected in some way or another.

❥ 𝐋𝐄𝐄𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐒

i guess that is the luck of the draw...

LEECHES is another song that touches on the effects of fame; something that Melanie has written about previously with Show and Tell. Except where Show and Tell seemed to focus more on fans and media people who demand too much of celebrities, LEECHES describes a more sinister type of creature. In my opinion, it's about people who maybe have used Melanie in the past to either leech off of whatever she could provide them. For me, I think the most memorable part of this song is her projection? I adore how assertive her voice sounds during the chorus, as opposed to the breathy quality of her verses.

❥ 𝐖𝐎𝐌𝐁

cut the cord, i'm coming...

I feel kind of bad ranking this one so low? But basically every song on this album is a fucking banger in its own way and this is one that is simply a liiiiittle less memorable to me than the others. However, that doesn't mean I'm ignorant of its importance to the album's narrative. The main motif of the album is rebirth. We started with death and we now end with life, all because of the womb. The bit I adore most is how the outro parallels the intro of DEATH. It really highlights the cyclical process of life and death and stresses that there really is no end to growth. The main point of this album is that life is all just energy being repurposed over and over and over again; we are constantly growing and evolving.

❥ 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐈𝐒𝐓

stretching my self worth just like you usually do...

Okay. So I love this song. Truly. I love every song on this album. And I understand both the narrative and literal functions of this song. However. The one aspect that makes me kind of cringe is the bone crushing beat. But that's just because I'm a squeamish little baby and that sound is a little too good for my liking. However, I still wouldn't skip it. This song makes up for the squishy and crunchy sounds with Melanie's warped and maniacal laugh. You can tell that they really don't give a fuck about conforming to anyone's standards. There's something so unhinged about this song that I can't help but love it anyways.

[secretblogosphere]

My god it’s been a long time since I was here. I probably should have utilized this space a lot more lately but somehow it didn’t occur to me until the other night. But here I am. Better late than never?

As usual, I just need to vent. My life is fucking falling apart and I’m about to scream.

For one, I’m stuck in a job that’s making me miserable. I came here because I needed to get out of my last place and, while it is better, it’s still sucking the soul out of me. And despite my hourly being much higher I got fucked over with bonuses so I’m actually making basically the same as before. The worst part is it’s about to get worse because one of my coworkers is going on maternity leave, one is retiring, and another leaves in August. Which means I’m going to be stuck at a property I can’t stand being at.

Two, I’m drowning in debt. And it’s not getting better. I was expecting more income so I moved into a more expensive apartment than I was in. But between my husband fucking up last year, my taxes being so expensive I can’t even pay them, and our general finances out of control it’s just getting worse and worse. I have no idea how I’m going to get out of it.

Three, my health is not going well. It’s nothing serious but frustrating enough that I just never feel good. I’ve been having digestive issues, over production of mucus, headaches, tonsil stones, and my hormone shit. I know eating better and exercising would help but I barely have the energy to do basic tasks to keep functioning much less anything like cooking or going to the gym. And I know stress is making it worse but I can’t get rid of that because 90% of what’s stressing me is external and out of my control.

Four, I’m so fucking lonely it hurts. While I know cutting the toxic people out of my life was for the best, I have no idea how to make new friends to replace them. And I legit have two people in my life, one of whom is borderline toxic. So I spend all my time in my house alone. I don’t have anyone other than people on the internet to commiserate with. And while all you guys are lovely, it’s not the same as going to lunch with someone and just enjoying their company.

Five, my marriage is on the verge of collapse. We fight all the time, don’t enjoy each other’s presence, and the happiness we once had has basically disappeared. And I can’t fix it. I’ve done everything I can think of but it just gets worse and worse. Plus, he seems totally unwilling to work with me on it. His opinions of me are so negative that he can’t see past them. And most of them are built on this false narrative he’s created of who I am in his head. Still, I can’t seem to get myself to let go. Even if it’s for the best, which I don’t even know is true, I just can’t. I still love him but am not even sure why some days.

And then, just to add some colorful flair to it all, my aunt was just admitted to the ICU. She was having trouble breathing and went to the ER last night. Apparently it’s something with her heart valve. She’s only 79. My grandma, her mom, lived into her mid 90s. This isn’t supposed to be happening. I’ve had so much loss and I can’t handle any more.

I feel guilty that I’m angry this is happening. I know it’s so much worse for my cousin because that’s her mom, but I just can’t handle anything else. I’m at my breaking point. How am I supposed to keep functioning when I hit blow after blow after blow? It feels like my world is collapsing. I’m legit disassociating constantly. My feelings keep cycling through anger, fear, and bone crushing sadness. It’s too fucking much. I can’t do this.

Even with my bipolar meds, it’s hard for them to cut through all this pain. I shudder to think how much worse it would be if I didn’t have these meds. I have no support and no options. I’m stuck. What do I even do? How can I just keep going about my life? I won’t even say going about it like normal because I’m not even sure what that looks like anymore. I’ve lost myself. I’m trying so hard to keep as positive of an attitude as I can but it feels impossible. I just want to be happy. I want the life I imagined for myself. It’s not even anything crazy, just normal shit that people want.

Anyways. I just needed to let all my feeling out somewhere that’s safe. I know I just have to take it one day at a time, one minute at a time really. Whatever will be will be. I can’t change life happening. I just wish I knew how to find a pocket of happiness in all this misery.

[biconicfinn]

every fucking break without fail a massive fight happens at home that reminds me that despite loving my father I don’t always like him. and that i wish more than anything sometimes that i could save my youngest brother from him. I also wish my parents would open their eyes to the fact that the boy is clearly very much neurodivergent and very much needs help but no one but me in this fucking house recognises that. i wish I didn’t have to leave him every time. I feel so guilty always. I wish I could take him with me or that I was staying here to take his pain on. My mom tried I guess but she (like with me) refuses to acknowledge his neurodivergence and the idea that any of her kids need help with their mental health. I wish my dad didn’t bring his hurt and anger and frustration from the office and his community work back home. I wish he didn’t just fucking channel it on whatever tiny thing sets him off which is usually either my youngest brother or my mom and yell. And like. My mom can fight back and go toe to toe without being accused of being disrespectful and not knowing her place but my brother can’t do that. And he’s still a fucking kid like he’s sixteen for gods sake of course he’s going to be a little rude and moody and whatever of course he’s not gonna want to go to bed at whatever time you set for him or do additional studying outside of homework and all that. I’m not saying those are good things but by god you need to break those rules anyway and learn from your own mistakes. And tonight not only did he have a go at my brother but he fully went off at my mom in front of us and my other brother had to step in and prevent another fight. The only reason I did not intervene tonight is because my mother warned me not to and I knew if I said or did anything it probably would have ended in violence. I still feel violent. The worst part is that some part of me knows he needs to hear me call him the fuck out. He needs to understand what he has done to his children. He needs to know that when I say that I am planning to come back home after I graduate I only want to come back to take up my place as my brothers shield again. I used to take the brunt of the bullshit as the problematic child. I used to be the one screamed at and the one who shouted back. I also need to make sure my baby brother doesn’t fall into the same dark places I did because the thought of him feeling about himself the way I feel about myself makes me want to scream and throw up and rip my heart out. my other brother will be better off if he’s not testing his temper and patience and he’ll be going off to the dorms in uni soon and for now he only comes home just basically to sleep and on the weekend anyway so he’ll be fine. He’s also physically much stronger than my dad and has grown up and also he’s not a fucking child so dad can’t get away with yelling at him. I don’t care anymore about his community work. I don’t care about the volunteering at temples or any of it. I don’t care anymore because what is the cost of it. What community work is worth the cost of him just fucking going off the deep end and losing sleep and going into fits of rage at the slightest provocation. What good is aiding the community if your own family walks on eggshells. Anyways im going to go write and feel my way out of this for now.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.

I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:

Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.

Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.

Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)

Hyper-vigilance: always feeling “on edge,” alert, unable to relax even in spaces that should feel safe. May be combined with an elevated “flight” response, or feelings of always being prepared to flee. (I used to hide important documents and possessions in a sort of emergency go bag, even when I was living alone and there was no logical reason other than it made me feel “prepared.”)

Difficulty regulating emotions: may include mood swings, persistent numbness, sadness, suicidal idealization, explosive anger (or inability to feel anger and other strong emotions), inability to control your emotions, confusion about why you react the way you do.

Sense of foreshortened future: assuming or feeling that you will die young. Recurring thoughts that "I'll be dead before the age of 30/40/18/21 etc." As a teenager I used to joke darkly that I didn't plan to live past 30—not because I planned to end my life, but because I simply couldn't imagine myself alive and happy in the long-term. I couldn't imagine a meaningful future where I wasn't suffering.

Emotional flashbacks: finding yourself suddenly re-experiencing feelings of helplessness, panic, despair, or anger etc, often without understanding what has triggered these feelings. Often these flashbacks don’t clearly relate to the memory of a single event (since C-PTSD is caused by repetitive events, which can blur together), making them harder to identify as flashbacks—especially if you’ve never heard the phrase “emotional flashback” and don’t know what to look for. For years I just filed it under “sometimes I overreact/freak out randomly for no reason, probably bc I am just a terrible human being.” (It turns out there was very much a reason, it was just hidden in the past. I have since learned to be kinder and less judgemental towards myself.)

There are other symptoms too, here are more links with good info.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, because I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I interact with online have risk factors and experiences similar to mine. These include:

growing up in a dysfunctional household

having caregivers who do not fulfill basic emotional needs (do not provide consistent positive attention, encouragement, support, acceptance, communication, a sense of safety and security)

on a very related note, experiencing neglect or abuse at the hand of caregivers or other adults. I also want to emphasize the significance of emotional abuse, since it is hard to recognize, easy to ignore, and utterly rampant in so many communities. In general, family dysfunction, abuse & neglect are quite difficult to identify when you are a child/teen and that is the only “normal” you have known.

(For example, in my family it manifested as an emotionally absent father I was vaguely frightened of, constant nagging from a hypercritical mother, and a house full of people who yelled and screamed at each other. It took me years to realize I grew up in an abusive environment, because there was no physical violence, because I participated in the fighting, and because my behavioral problems made me the family scapegoat. And I internalized that guilt: I thought I was the problem. But no—I was a child, and I deserved not to grow up in a household full of anger and fear and negativity. You deserved that too. You deserved to grow up safe and loved and treated with kindness.) 

anyway back to more risk factors:

being neurodivergent or chronically ill (especially without receiving proper treatment/support/accommodation)

being queer (especially in a conservative or undiverse community, or without the support and acceptance of family & friends)

being the target of bullying or harassment (from peers, teachers, authority figures, irl, online, etc)

being isolated or alienated from peers, from family, from your wider community.

growing up with chronic anxiety, discomfort, pain, fear, or distress caused by any of the above and more.

There are many other experiences that can cause chronic trauma, but these are some particularly common ones I see people in my own community struggling with. And I want more people to be aware of this, because we’ve been taught to ignore and second-guess the significance of our traumatic experiences. We’ve been taught to feel guilty for our own pain, because “other people aren’t struggling, so I shouldn’t either” or (contradictorily) “other people have it worse, so I shouldn’t complain.” But that’s not how it works—you are not other people, and you deserve to have it better. We all deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We deserve not to be in pain.

I used to think I couldn’t have a trauma disorder because (I argued in my head) the things that happened to me weren’t that bad. And then I spent five years in therapy learning to accept the full extent of my issues. I’ve since learned that trauma comes in many forms, and can happen quietly, invisibly, silently, chronically, and usually without the survivor being aware of the long-term repercussions of what they are surviving. That revelation comes later, after you have survived and must instead learn to live.

Finally, no single type of trauma is more real or harmful than any other. Severity is measured by the way the individual is affected, and the same situations affect different people in different ways. Because no one gets to choose how their brain reacts to trauma. No one gets to choose their hurt—otherwise there would be a hell of a lot less hurting in the world.

We can, however, choose to seek help. We can learn to recognize when something is wrong, we can learn when to reach out to professionals, and we can learn to educate ourselves on our injuries.

And gradually, we can learn to heal.

(posts like this brought to you by ko-fi supporters)

[c-is-for-circinate]

As promised: let's talk Hades, and how acts of abuse can create toxic environments for everyone around them, and also how people react to those environments--and to them being disrupted.

(For reference, I have just kicked Theseus's ass for the first time, it was exactly as satisfying as it was intended to be, and then I got predictably slaughtered a couple of chambers into Styx. Spoilers for everything through that point, but please no spoilers in reblogs/comments for anything after that!) Also, TW for a whole lot of discussion of abuse, particularly verbal and emotional abuse, and abusive familyworkplace dynamics.

Okay, so. To start out with, Hades is an abusive parent. He engages in innumerable acts of verbal and emotional abuse towards his son, because yep, that's what you call it when a parent constantly berates and belittles their kid for every perceived failure, including the ones the parent themselves could have prevented. Sometimes especially the ones the parent could have prevented. Zagreus failed at his office clerk job because Hades refused to teach him how to do it and then blamed him for not already knowing how. Cerberus tore up the lounge because Hades, who was actually there, chose not to stop him. Hades created, possibly deliberately, and then took full advantage of every opportunity he saw to insult and demean his kid, and the clerk job flashback shows us that he was doing so even before the escape attempts started. I'm pretty sure we're all on the same page here, but: yep, that all constitutes abuse, even if they're gods. Even if Hades has reasons for Being Like That. Even if you think Zagreus seems okay and unharmed by it (which: repeatedly throwing yourself into a gauntlet of violence that inevitably ends in your own pain and death because you're so desperate to escape home, not actually an indicator of someone who's okay). We all good on that?

Cool. Because I'm not really here to talk about how Hades' abuse directly impacts Zagreus right now (although there's for sure an essay in that too). I'm thinking about how it impacts everybody else.

Hades isn't as obviously unreasonable with anybody else in his kingdom the way he is with his kid. When we see him lecture somebody else, it's usually for an actual failure to do their job: Hypnos for literally falling asleep on the job and not doing anything that was assigned to him, Megaera for letting us past her so many time, Orpheus for being a court bard who refuses to sing. His attitude is super confrontational and unpleasant, but on the surface it doesn't necessarily look as fucked-up. Thing is, though, whether any individual act of aggression towards an employee/family member is justified or not (I would generally argue 'not', because aggression towards employees/family members is, y'know, not justifiable)--it's not about the individual acts. It's about the entire cultivated atmosphere of toxicity and abuse.

One of the very first things Meg ever says to us is, "I'd rather be on your bad side than his." Up until that point, we've got no reason to believe Meg has any history whatsoever of fucking up at her job. In fact, we've got plenty of reason to believe she's good at it. She's fiercely proud of it, she's frequently Employee Of The [Time Period], and we've apparently never even met her sisters because she handles her shit herself. But she's still scared of Hades. Dusa, who is an anxious wreck at all times because oh god what if she gets fired what if she gets fired what if she gets fired, in spite of apparently being absolutely exemplary at her job, is scared of Hades. Every single shade in the Hall is clearly terrified of Hades, and it's not because of what he's done to each of them. It's what they've seen him do to other people.

Which is how toxic environments work, whether they're work environments or families. The Court of Hades is of course both, always, with the bonus hell layer of you can't quit even if you DIE. An abuser in authority doesn't have to target you in order to make you feel scared, cowed, and desperate to please them. Humans (and gods who are basically extra-powerful humans) are good at learning by example. The residents of the Court get the picture.

So this Court is a minefield--and everyone except Zagreus is very good at tiptoeing around mines. We see it in Meg, so desperate to do her job well. We see that Hypnos very clearly does not give a shit about anything, but he still makes sure to have a list of excuses ready if/when Hades ever confronts him about failure to do his job, just in case. We see it when Achilles tells us that my ability to help you is constrained by the authority your father gives me, or whatever the line was sixty runs ago when he couldn't let me into locked chambers. The system, such as it is, works, and if Nyx talks to Hades as little as possible, if Thanatos avoids the Court entirely, if Achilles treads very carefully and knows how to keep his head down--well that's just the system, right? That's just how things are.

Even Zagreus seems to have had a role in that system as the court fuckup. He's the kid who didn't have a real job or purpose. He could take the focus of Hades' generalized, day-to-day ire off of everyone else, without triggering some of the more direct and violent ire because the work he was doing didn't really matter (a LOT of Hades' rage-triggers seem to be related to job performance, which means that the people with real jobs are of course the most at risk). And he could do so "safely" (big emphasis on the quotation marks there) because he alone of the court is Hades' actual kid, who's Prince of the Underworld no matter how much he fucks up. If one of Nyx's other kids gets something really really wrong, she might be able to protect them from some consequences, but Hades doesn't have any layer of supposed parental affection holding him back from getting violently furious about it. Zagreus gets a nice bedroom and the abuse is limited to words rather than divine power, and Hades is a dick to everyone but he only occasionally condemns people to eternities of torture, and only for good reasons like refusing to sing when your job is to be court bard, so it's fine, everybody's fine, everything's totally fine, right?

Except it's not fine when everybody is so clearly worried about anything going wrong. And it's especially not fine for Zagreus, who's the person to finally say no. He's leaving, for his own sake, because he deserves better and he's finally convinced he can have it. And that turns the whole system into disarray.

I am endlessly fascinated by the ways this game portrays different characters reacting to this upheaval in their carefully-mapped minefield. It's different for authority figures and peers and servants, different based on how people are positioned in the house under Hades' rule, and it's so spot-on and I love it.

Nyx, for instance, is absolutely calm about the whole thing, because Nyx has power. Hades can't hurt her. Hades can't even really do much against her children, not when Hypnos and Thanatos are gods in their own right. Yes, Hades rules the kingdom, but Nyx owns the land, and she gives no shits about his rages. And it's interesting, too, to see the lines she doesn't draw. The deal seems to be that Hades doesn't fuck with her, and doesn't outright threaten her kids (because Hypnos is bad at his job, demonstrably so, and Hades hasn't ruined him yet), and she doesn't interfere with the way he treats the people around him. She gives Zagreus advice and support and the mirror, but she also doesn't take a direct stand against Hades. He can't hurt her, but he could make life...difficult. She's protected, her position in the minefield is more of a safe viewing platform than slogging through the middle of it, but the mines are still there.

And then we have Achilles, who is one of my favorite characters in the whole game because of how he reacts to this whole situation. Achilles, like Nyx, is so supportive. Every single time you see him he has something encouraging to say. He gives us his Codex, secretly finds us weapons, trained us for years, clearly wants us to succeed. And still he's limited, not necessarily out of fear for himself (though he has to be scared for himself, he knows what Hades does to people who anger him), but out of concern that if he gives Zagreus too much help in one way, he won't be able to provide help at all later. He's still so careful.

Achilles and Nyx are so fucking important to this story because they're the only authority figures Zagreus really has in his life except for his father, and they are so supportive. They're what keep this story from being a nightmare of psychological horror and depression. They can't stop the pressure from Hades and this life in his house being miserable for Zag, but they can give us hope, remind us that Zagreus is still loved. And they have such an incredibly important role when it comes to guilt, which is one of the biggest ways toxic systems maintain themselves.

If Zagreus leaves, what happens to everybody else? Who takes Hades' wrath then? Who becomes court scapegoat if he's not there, and also, who gets punished for his escape? These questions matter, and we see him worry about it! He asks Nyx and Achilles both, is it going to be okay that you're helping me, are you going to be alright, will my father hurt you for this? And they are both so firm about telling him no. No, I will be fine. See, here's the list of reasons about why I'm going to be fine, why my position in this minefield is secure. They make a point of telling us that it's fine, that we do not need to hold ourself back from getting out of this abusive situation for their sake. That is instrumental in Zagreus's ability to keep making these escape attempts without feeling too guilty and worried and selfish to go on. (Another thing that's actually really important in setting up that dynamic--we see that Hades cares about Cerberus, even if he's using him as a pawn against us, and Cerberus seems to be the one figure in court who Hades doesn't get mad at. The dog isn't at risk, and that is really essential in keeping the story from getting too grim.) These people who we care about refuse to let themselves be held hostage to secure our good behavior.

It's also really useful for raising the stakes later in the story--we see Hades arguing with Nyx once or twice, and we see Zagreus feeling guilty about it, but it's also a sign that we're making enough progress to piss him off. After I finally made it out of Elysium on my last run, I came home to find him furious with Achilles in a way that actually makes me nervous, because Achilles does not have nearly as much security in his position as he says he does. (Achilles is such a good teacher/authority figure, because he knows goddamn well what Hades could do to him, and still refuses to let fear for his own situation stop him from helping the abused kid under his care escape his. And no, not everybody has the capacity to do that, but it matters so much coming from the guy who helped raise us. It matters so much. I do not even have the words for how much.)

It's also no mistake that many of the people we find supporting us along our journey are either the people with the most power in their immediate environment, or the least. Sisyphus helps us because what more could they do to me than this? Orpheus is a little wild around the eyes and somewhat disconnected from reality, and he wishes us the best because someone should get what they want and also he no longer gives a single fuck what happens to him. Eurydice has her own cozy little corner of Asphodel, as safe from Hades' rage as anybody anywhere in his realm because she's tucked in such an out-of-the-way middle place she's outside his notice. Dusa is so scared of everything anyway that, crush aside, she isn't any more threatened by us escaping than she is just by her everyday life here. Charon is unfathomable and unstoppable; Skelly literally exists to be a punching bag, and yet he also seems basically immune to pain, no matter what we do to him. There's no threat from Hades there.

So the people most at risk when I flip the world on its ear are the ones who have so much standing that they have something to lose, but not enough to protect them from losing it. Which of course brings us to Than and Meg--who are, of course, the two people who also seem by far the most upset by my attempts to leave.

As authority figures, Nyx and Achilles are constantly reinforcing the message that it's Hades' fault, not ours, if they or anybody else get caught in the crossfire of his wrath. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and it's not my guilt to bear. From Megaera and Thanatos, we get the opposite message--I am fucking with things, I am hurting people, and I need to stop. Zagreus isn't just abandoning them, as a friend or brother or lover or all of the above they're Greek gods who even knows. He's betraying them. They were in this together, as friends or lovers or whatever, but now Zagreus is sending earthquakes through the minefield they both still have to stand in. He is about to capsize this boat in the middle of a thunderstorm, he is fucking with the system, and they're the ones who are going to get most hurt.

I'm so curious how this is going to work for Than, who out of everyone we meet holds the closest role to Nyx's in terms of being sheltered from Hades' wrath. He's the guy who gets to leave, after all, even though he always has to come back. I've seen the least of him out of anybody so far because it took forever for me to get to Elysium, but two things really stand out and I'm so interested to see where they go. One, he really genuinely does care about Zagreus. He wants us safe, he wants us unhurt, the accessory he gives us only grants its bonus if we clear a room without taking injury, he keeps showing up to help. And two, he wants us to give up and go back and recognize how good we had it. Which is SO fucking interesting, considering how miserable Zagreus so clearly was, and how legitimate his reasons for being miserable were.

It makes me wonder so much about Than's standards for comparison. Does he know something we don't about what's waiting for us on the surface, something that might theoretically hurt Zagreus even more than staying down below? Has his life, which apparently allows him more freedom than anybody else in the Court, sucked horribly in ways we haven't seen, and that's why he spends so little time there in the first place? Either of those things is plausible, both of those things are plausible, and yet either one leads to this sense of patronizing, because he refuses to simply tell us. If something terrible is awaiting us, don't give us vague warnings, tell us what it is and let us decide for ourself! If you're fucking jealous because we might get out entirely and you're still stuck coming back here, say so. If you're worried about your mom--and he does bring her up, how could Zagreus turn his back on her like that, does seem to worry for her--then let's have an actual conversation about how many times she has insisted I do this and also how much I love her.

And, right, it's clear that a lot of Thanatos being upset is simply, you were going to leave me without even saying goodbye, you want to leave ME, which is understandable! But, like, he is demonstrably the one god who gets to visit the surface. He's the one person we actually COULD expect to see again. And he is absolutely also upset because there's an Order To Things, and we're fucking it up. We used to be his careless callow reckless friend who could talk back to Hades and get away with it, and now we're not, and everything is changing and we might leave him altogether, and we might leave him alone in that court without us, and he hates it.

Is it a short-sighted, selfish fear on his part? Yes, absolutely. Even if he's not scared of Hades on his own behalf, he is still frightened by what happens if we upset this system--and maybe it's the sanctity of a much bigger system than the Underworld that he's worried about! Maybe it's the whole divine and cosmic order. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect is enabling the abuse Zagreus has been dealing with for however-long he's been alive. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect OUGHT to be overturned, or at least shaken up. But this is what toxic systems DO. They convince the people within them that they have to be maintained, that a broken system that hurts the people within it is far better than no system at all, that changing the world is too scary and too dangerous. And Thanatos wants his whatever-Zagreus-is-to-him to be there, because he loves him and also because that's how the world works, and those things are all tangled up in one another, and that is how relationships are in a messed-up family like this so therefore I love it.

And Meg. Meg, the best for last, my dear, beautiful, furious, bitter, scared angry tired girl. I adore her. I am absolutely never going to date her, because the thing Zagreus needs most in his life hurts her, more directly than anybody else in the story, and that sucks, and it's not Zag's fault but they still shouldn't be together. Meg has taken more injury from this situation than anyone, quite literally as well as metaphorically, and it's not her fault any more than it's ours, but oh boy it has made her lash out and it's awful and it's perfect.

Meg's place in the Court of Hades is unique because she's not dead, not a mortal, not anything other than a god--but she's also not family. Nyx is not her mother. She's very much part of this system, she and her two sisters belong to Hades-the-realm and therefore also Hades-the-king, she can't leave, but she also doesn't have that protection of Nyx watching out for her in the same way. She's not royalty. She and her sisters (if you ask Hesiod instead of Virgil, which seems to be the interpretation the game's going with here) sprang from the blood of maimed Uranus at the same time as Aphrodite, but fuck knows Aphrodite isn't claiming them as siblings. And she can't be fired, exactly, but she sure can be demoted, and she sure can be made miserable in her job. Meg is vulnerable in a way very few people in Hades' employ are. She's a lot harder to do away with than any one random shade, but she's also a lot harder to miss blending in with a crowd.

What's more, she's the one person in this whole mess who is specifically tasked with stopping us from leaving. Hypnos isn't ordered to put us to sleep and keep us in our room. Thanatos can't be compelled or punished if he doesn't hunt us down. Achilles isn't told to lock us up and keep the keys. Meg is the one stationed at the doorway to Tartarus to keep us in. Meg is the one who gets in trouble when we leave. Meg (who Hades knows goddamn well Zagreus cares for, or cared for, who he absolutely knows we used to date) is the one who has to fight us again and again and again. And she's the one who keeps dying.

Again, it's this incredibly fucked-up guilt/hostage situation deliberately designed to keep people from fleeing abusive situations. Meg's insistence on fighting us now puts Zagreus in the position of having to hurt her himself again and again. Now suddenly we're the ones sticking a sword in our ex-girlfriend. Now suddenly someone can point to our desire to leave, to flee, to escape, and say, how selfish. How cruel. How terrible of us to want to go, when we're even willing to hurt the people we love to do it.

Except, right: Hades is the one who demands Meg stand there and stop us. Hades is the one who puts both of us in that position. Meg is also in an abusive situation, and she's willing to hurt us to protect herself. "I'd rather be on your bad side than your father's." It's easy to blame her at the start for being complicit, for being a tool of our father's abuse, for being on his side. It gets harder as the game goes on. I've killed her so many times. There's no way for her to beat me. She knows at this point that she can't beat me. She still fights, every single time, still throws herself upon that spike, not because she thinks she has any chance of stopping me but because she is so damn scared of what will happen if she doesn't try.

In fact, Meg's the one person we have actually seen face consequences for our actions so far, instead of just facing the threat of them. Her sisters are here. Her sisters, who she clearly does not want here, who are wild and violent and who she does not want in her life or anywhere near her, let alone near the job she takes so much pride in. She gets to deal with them now. (Hades doesn't have to deal with them. They're still not allowed in his court. But Meg does.) She gets stabbed, and bludgeoned, and shot, and lightning-struck, and poisoned, and every other thing we do to her. Thanatos doesn't. Nyx and Achilles and Hypnos don't. Bug Meg? Oh yes. Meg pays.

And yes, ok, she is complicit in this system. Everybody is complicit in this system. Zagreus who's trying to escape on his own behalf instead of overthrowing his father for the sake of everyone he'd otherwise be leaving behind is complicit in this system. Pointing fingers and pulling strings of who's more at fault? and who do we blame for this? is exactly how this sort of system perpetuates itself. Your sister always talked back at the dinner table and put everyone in an even worse and more violent mood. Your coworker refuses to work more than forty hours a week so now you have to take overtime to pick up their slack. You're enabling your dad by asking your sister to shut up, you're enabling your employer by working as hard as you do so you don't get fired, everyone's at fault, everyone's to blame, everyone is--

It's not everyone. It's Hades. It's Hades at the root of everything, and probably something big and institutional and fucked-up even beyond him. But even if everyone down in this Underworld does have to be trapped here forever, even if he's trapped here forever, Hades is neither challenging the system that put them here nor trying to make that fate better for anyone else stuck with him. He's just created an entire kingdom of backbiting and misery and people who can either go along with his whims or suffer the consequences.

At this point in the game, Meg is so fucking tired. Every time we run into her in the lounge, hunched over a table, the venom in her voice when she tells us "Do I look like I have anything to say to you?" is so bitter and so exhausted. There was a system, and she knew her place in the system, and it was a system divinely ordered by the gods themselves, and sure it was cruel but that's the literal will of the universe as far as she knows it. She had a role, and her role was vengeance and punishment and violence against those who'd committed the most egregious of sins in life, and there was a point to it, she was the divine deterrent to convince people not to do those things, and that was just, and that was right. The GODS THEMSELVES said so. How do you argue with that? You can't possibly argue with that!

And Zagreus is arguing with that. In trying to leave, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that nothing in the Underworld ever gets to leave it. In disobeying his father to do so, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that what the gods say is LAW. He's breaking everything.

And of course he's not trying to do any of that. He's not trying to destabilize the system at all. He's just trying to get himself out of it, to a place where he feels like he belongs and maybe a parent who's slightly nicer to him than this one. But toxic systems like this one break when the people within them have access to another option. When the kids find a way to actually leave, and not answer the phone, and not come home for holidays, and not deal with it any more. When the employees have the economic freedom to quit. When opportunities granted by education, money, social support, etc etc etc, show up and give people a choice. Even if the option is only ever for Zagreus--he's demonstrating that an option exists. Which is, of course, the one thing the system cannot ever allow.

I really like this game.

[mywheelieweirdlife]

I just watched this TikTok about how it's always lowkey terrifying deciding how much of the reality of your chronic illness because of how it may permanently alter peoples perception of you.

And it made me think about exactly how much I don't say.

And like, my best friend knows the most, but also until recently hadn't actually seen me just go down in front of her... and that was online, not in person.

She's seen the 'drunk mermaid' stage where I'm pre or post seizure, have no leg control and no arm control and am just loopy... but never actively been there when I fell or passed out or had a grand mal like seizure.

My abusive ex had... and that's also why a lot of people haven't... but not many people are privy to how hard it is, even my other chronically ill friends.

I don't talk about the loss of bladder control or the ibs like symptoms that come up because my body decided to turn off my digestive system for a week so I don't eat properly for about 3-4 days at a time because I'd rather feel weird about not being physically able to eat than deal with the risk of throwing up because I tried to force myself to 'eat normally'.

And living off multivitamins and supplements and snacks because it's easier for my body than 'normal meals' but constantly feeling like I'm returning to an ED or panicking about going back to being severely underweight because I can't eat normally.

Or that sometimes, I have 'control' of my legs, but the muscles are so tight that there's basically no range of motion and I'm spending hours massaging in muscle relaxant creams crying in pain wishing with every fibre of my being that I get hit by a car and have them cut off because I don't want to deal with the ridiculously stiff rock hard legs that refuse to release for days and have nerve spasms through them. And then I feel guilty for that, but it's the truth.

And the days my rib literally goes 'pop' as it moves out of place and I want to cry and scream and swear and I can't in public because it happens all the gd time so I just cry and laugh it off and I just can't be honest with people about 'this hurts and it's scary' because it's also normal.

I brush off my seizures and my body paralysing and spasming and the tremors and the brain fog and the speech impediment it brought with it and the nerve pain and the digestive issues and the migraines and the insomnia and the anger at the destruction of my body and life and career (the one I previously had).

And I don't brush it off because it's not impossibly hard and stressful and exhausting and a constant battle that consumes every moment of my life… but because if I don't pretend it doesn't hurt, fake a convincing smile and laugh and say 'It's this or die and I have kiddos who need me.' (Which has been my line since I was diagnosed with depression and really really struggling and didn't want to end up in hospital and I would've never expected then that it would turn into this).... I lose even more.

Like if I lose the gentle pity and the honestly really creepy almost faked 'inspiration' speech abled people give me, I get the brushed off, ignored and hated version where people feel 'justified' in the dehumanisation of me and spit on and kick me and cuss me out in public.

Absolute strangers just attacking me because I don't have a 'purpose' that fits their world narrative and expectations of an adult human.

So like, I'm writing a book is my new answer to 'what do you do' when before it was 'recovery or at least stabilising my condition so it's a lot of medical appointments.' Which is nice because people assume a lot of writers get paid while writing (which while wrong works in my favour in not getting verbal harassment or assaulted).

But like, even if I didn't write, even if I never worked a paid job again; I'm a human being with purpose outside of employment and entertainment.

I'm free therapy and life advice to my friends, I'm a late night companion who's always happy for a call even when I'm loopy af (which honestly just makes most of my friends laugh because our humour matches so well), I'm a bundle of joy and random knowledge and a filtering system of good and bad ideas and offering new perspectives.

If provided with accessible housing and community, I would be the best house husband and father because I adore children and want to be a parent and if it wasn't for the laws of my country saying I have to raise a biological child to adulthood first, I would automatically sign up to be foster guardian/parent or adopt queer, neurodivergent, disabled children and provide them with a safe and understanding home where their needs are accommodated and they're welcome and safe and wanted and loved.

I would garden and look after animals and sign and read to kids and help little ones learn and do homework and teach them how to safely interact with animals and insects and the world around them and help them learn about different religions and cultures and how to be polite and respectful and find beauty and wonder everywhere.

And that's just as important as someone who works a traditional 9-5.

I'm important, others who are also disabled are important, we have wants and needs and dreams and humour and laughter and feelings.

We're more than we're able to be and it's not even our fault because they don't want to see us.

Because if I let them see all of me, all my struggles, if I admitted that actually I do need help, a lot more help than I ask for, especially because this house and this community and this world is not set up for me... they would stop seeing me.

They would stop seeing all the beautiful chaotic personality traits and history that I love about myself and that is loved about me because I'm 'too broken' to be fun anymore.

And that's always in the back of my mind and haunts me. And I know I'm not alone with it because the others in the community I follow and who follow me are the same where none of us can say how bad it is because ableds treat us like crap when they do and ignore the fact you're all some of the funniest and most interesting people who from the internet can change my life through the most beautiful and important posts.

We deserve better, we deserve to be seen and heard and loved for everything we are, even and especially the hardest parts.

Also; terfs and devotees DNI (and with full disrespect, fuck off, you're not welcome here and will be blocked and reported on sight after the horrific shit I found last time I had to go on a devotee blocking spree).