#I just worked a 13 hour day and came home with no energy so I will work on my reply now.

[aph-germania]

who missed terrible dad jokes?

/oh no, here he comes

"What does the Eiffel Tower have in common with a tick?"

/wait for it

/run while you still have a chance

"They are both Paris sites"

[gothicflowers]

John Price x GN!firefighter!Reader

Hang Up The Coat

Umm so this is extremely self indulgent (I’m using Price to cope instead of facing the reality of my job)

Warnings: mentions of death, alcoholism, firefighter reader. SFW.

John had returned last night from his deployment to an empty home. Bottles scattered around, Piles of laundry from the past month. He knew it was getting bad but it seemed to have gotten worse in his absence. He didn’t know how to have the talk that needed to happen but you seemed to be on the edge of breaking and he’d be damned to let you get near it.

It was 07:13 in this morning and he had already polished the house clean. The was no evidence that anything was even remotely wrong. To price it was important to help you get better. Even if that meant waking up at 4AM to clean the house so you could relax when you got off shift. Working 48 hours consecutively absolutely exhausted you and he wanted to make sure you could have his undivided attention.

You had a habit of going full housewife when he was home. Cooking, cleaning and tending to his every need. Despite your families disappointment of getting a male dominated job you still can’t get rid of the traditional values you where raised to uphold. Your adoration for John was undeniable even after all these years. In a way you left that your life purpose was to serve him. And John lived his life to serve you, when he wasn’t at work the soldier in him melted away to reveal a kind hearted man with a love for his wife and board games.

He finally heard your car door shut in the driveway. He practically ran to the door to great you like a puppy. Opening the door you were greeted with a brown haired man with his hair pulled back and a smile plastered on his face. He was home a week earlier to your surprise.

“My love I missed you”

He pulls you into a deep kiss. His strong hands cradling your small head as he kissed you. The tears he hadn’t noticed poured into his hands.

“No, no, baby what’s wrong?”

You sniffled and handed him the paper that you hoped would say something different. Instead it read the same as all the times before.

Hello,

Thank you for applying for the lieutenant position. We regret to inform you that you were not selected this round. While you held the necessary certificates and training requirements the promotion committee believes you should improve as a member of the brotherhood before any further promotions. We appreciate your time and dedication in the selection process.

Thank you,

Chief

“Darling im so sorry”

He pulled you into a deep hug. His musk engulfs your senses. He’s been gone for three long lonely months. No contact with you per 141 policy. The isolation is suffocating. All your friends had moved on with life and left you behind so you were completely alone. The letter wasn’t helping with the sense of adulthood failure.

“I’m so tired, of this constant struggle to be enough”

“Maybe it’s time to consider other options”

His soft voice was afraid of what you’d say next.

“But it’s what I was made for. All these year and to just be done?!”

John felt a ping in his heart because he knew his honest words would still sting.

“Love you don’t need your job to be your purpose in life”

That’s when you began the real breakdown.

“But it’s what I’ve been doing since I was 18. I don’t know anything else, I’m stuck, but I love the job too much to quit. It’s like asking you to leave 141.”

You never intended to be a firefighter. It just kinda happened. That bright eyed rookie that was full of energy had been burned to pieces years ago. Your friends always told you that working a 48 hour shift must be so nice because you have so much time off. In reality you came home and slept for a few hours after the never ending late night 911 calls and days filled with the general public yelling at you for not being fast enough, cold dinners, washing bio hazards of your boots.

At home waking up to deal with the mental toll of the job and making yourself a glass of whiskey to ease your mind, only to overdo it and end up passed out on the kitchen floor.

The department you worked for always peached “brotherhood” but no matter how hard you worked you still remained an outside. Constantly getting pulled into the chiefs office for “not showing enough dedication”. They never recognized the extra effort you put in. The endless charity events you organized, overtime, teaching classes. Going to extra training classes eating away at your days off. Countless trainings out of town when your husband was home from deployment. None of it mattered to them. Never good enough.

Promotion time came and went again, this was round four of applying for promotion. Yet again missing out on becoming a lieutenant because you don’t fit into any of the clicks. You didn’t golf with the ranked officers on your days off. You didn’t get invited to the cookouts. They always said promotion was based off performance but the five newest officers proved that to be false. Lazy, arrogant, fat men had moved up while you stayed at the bottom. If you wanted to move up you needed to be one of the boys. How?

“It’s never enough for them is it” John has said just loud enough to be a whisper.

John was tired of seeing you get kicked around. It angered him more than you’ll ever know. He always stood by your side when things got hard. You had made it your goal to get promoted to lieutenant before you started trying for a family. John was never going to tell you but he has growing slightly impatient. He wanted you to spend your days happy, kids running around while he cooks breakfast and you sleep in. Not coming home pretending that you didn’t witness another overdose before breakfast and help the corenor bag another young person took far too soon before bed.

You barely had energy to kiss him when you got home. Your mental health had plummeted, your new hobby was drinking and screaming at the walls. Stumbling around with music blasting. You didn’t care about anything, and when you wanted to talk about something you turned it into an argument over nothing. The five foot nothing angel he fell in love with eight years ago was barely recognizable in you. The man that never wanted you to know pain, death, loneliness felt helpless.

But for whatever reason he still loved you. He recalls a time before you met when he was this way in the military, before 141. Angry at the world, doing his best with a bottle in his hand. He only realized he needed a change when he was given the option to stay or start 141. He chose to leave the bottle.

“Love maybe… maybe it’s time to close this chapter” he was gentle saying it as best as he could. He knew how much it hurt for you to hear it. But he knew you better than to let you keep being destructive. He could see the internal conflict within yourself behind the tears in your eyes.

“Then what do I do? I know what I want out of life but I just feel like I’ll lose part of myself if I stop”

“Do you think you’ll lose a part of yourself, or has the part of you that’s tired of pushing has turned into rage?”

“It’s turned from rage to sorrows. And I’m tired of being pushed around. And I’m tired of not being good enough… and…”

“And what love”

“I don’t want you to think less of me for calling it quits when you’ve always stood by be though it all. I want to go back to how I was to you. I’m so sorry I’ve neglected you for so long”

“Oh love you’ll always and forever be my strong angell. I would never think of you differently for quitting. You did such a good job and I know they don’t see it but I know. I will always know my wife fought hard. And I just want you to get better and I’m happy you want to. But I can’t let you keep hurting yourself like this”

“Then I think… I’m ready to hand up my coat.”

“Then that’s what you will do”

He gently kissed your lips and wiped away your tears.

He had a soft reassuring smile. He knew this was going to be a hard process for you but the job was eating you alive and you knew it too.

“Would you like me to help you write your letter of resignation?” His hands still holding your delicate face while his eyes looked down with love.

“I would love that”

[elliebyrrdwrites]

Dramione Drabble 13

its short but really, its like a prelude to a kiss. The wick of a candle that awaits a flicker of a flame. Or the chaos of nothingness that erupts into the creation of everything.

Potter was disappointed in his little Golden Girl. He was even more disappointed in Weasley. But with Malfoy, Potter seemed unsurprised, totally unfazed by his actions.

“What has gotten into you two?” He asked, but really, he was asking Granger. Because it wasn’t surprising that Malfoy had gotten into a fight with Weasley or that he had kissed Hermione, or pissed her off enough to force her mouth onto his.

It was all standard behavior for a rich aristocrat who didn’t need to work. At least, that’s what they all expected out of him.

“I kissed her, Potter.” Draco settled back into the hard, uncomfortable chair, scooting it up to the table once more. “It’s what I do. I kiss Granger, I piss Weasley off. I make you uncomfortable.” He shrugged and flattened his hands onto the table. “It’s all in good fun.”

Hermione was still standing, staring at Potter with a wide-eyed stare. She was embarrassed, she was angry. She was...

Laughing.

Hermione leaned over and leaned onto the top of the table with both of her little hands flattened onto the table as she laughed and hiccupped through uncontrollable giggles that made her sound like she was 12 all over again.

“Did you and Ron break up? Hermione!” Potter was irritated, he was tired. He was ready to go home.

They had been at this for hours. The sun had long ago set, and Harry’s girlfriend kept owling him, asking him where he was.

“Wait, is this why you and Ron never showed up for Sunday dinner, last night?” Harry asked and all of her laughter died.

Came to a screeching halt as she sucked in a breath and her head flicked up to settle her icy gaze on her best friend.

“What?”

“I mean, you both have been acting so weird lately, I’ve been trying to figure it out all day.”

“I didn’t show up to Sunday dinner last night because I wasn’t invited.” Her voice had taken on a cruel, quiet edge.

“Of course you were...” But Potter’s voice was trailing off, realizing that he had expose something without intention.

“Ron wasn’t at Sunday dinner?” She was pushing away from the table now, rounding it, coming to stand directly in front of Harry.

Potter gulped, but kept his eyes on hers. He wasn’t afraid of her new eyes, but he was afraid of what he had just exposed.

“No?” His eyebrows pressed together and he shook his head, moving away from her. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Talk to him about it. I'm done.”

Ah, so Weasley was a weasel after all. Draco loved poetic justice. He basked in the glory of the downfall of Ronald Weasley. He was fucking up with Granger, possibly cheating on her, and now he had attacked a fellow Auror.

“You two are clear to go.” He sighed and turned his attention back to Draco. “Did you want to press charges?”

“Charges?” Draco grinned as he stood up.

“Against Ron.”

“No.” Hermione replied but Draco tilted his head and pursed his lips, contemplating. “Hmm...that is tempting.” He glanced over at her.

She was shaking her head no, her lips pressed together.

“No, I suppose not. Though, I would appreciate an apology at some point.”

“Malfoy, you know I’m not going to actually enforce that, right?”

Draco shrugged and stepped around the table, coming to stand beside Hermione. “No, I suppose not.”

Potter opened the heavy metal door, and escorted them out before turning and stalking away from them, eager to get the day over with.

“Come home with me.” Draco told her, whispered it into her ear as they walked down the hall toward the lifts. His hand was on the small of her back, he wanted to pulled her against him. No, he wanted to throw her into the lift and pull the lever, stopping it between floors and bury his face in her cunt.

She was still angry. She was livid, bubbling with hostile energy that might have excited him. “I can’t.”

“Why not, love?” His hand was firm against her back as they stepped onto the lift.

“Because I need to go home and wait for Ron to show up.”

“Are you trying to hurt me?” He pouted, leaning against one wall of the lift while Hermione pressed the button that would take them to the atrium. “If so, it’s working.”

“No, I’m going to figure out who he’s been fucking.”

Draco bit his lower lip, fighting back his glee as he watched Hermione settle her cold, angry eyes onto the doors of the lift as they closed.

[eoieopda]

jade, my dear, my darling, my husband. i have darkened the threshold of your inbox once again for your 2k drabblepalooza (congratulations by the way no one deserves the attention and recognition more than you ilysm) to ask you about park jimin. are you currently writing a miniseries for him? yes. is it enough? also yes. let's just say i'm here to even out the playing field of your requests. i'm doing this for you- nay, for US.

i have been overwhelmed and moody lately and was looking for maybe an established relationship!au with like hurt/comfort or sickfic but make it mental health? this is boring i am sorry LMAO please feel free to disregard i just have many feelings thank you for your time and energy and love OK BYE

happy wife, happy life!!!!! 🥹🩵

pairing: park jimin x gn!reader type: drabble | wc: 700 genre: hurt/comfort, fluff au: established relationship, sick fic rating: pg-13 (minors DNI w/ me regardless!) summary: a lazy day at home with your boyfriend is “self-care,” thank you very much. cw: none!

“Hydrating, detoxifying, brightening, or — uhhh, purifying?”

You lift your head up off the arm of the couch to peek over the back of it. It’s more physical effort than you’ve expended since you sat down two hours ago, but the sight is worth it: Jimin in a frenzy, half-buried in the cabinet below the bathroom sink, barely audible over the sound of his rummaging.

A man on a mission.

You snort. “Is all of the above an option?”

The past week took a lot out of you, and at this point, you’ll take whatever you can get. So far, you’d taken a day off of work, yourself off the grid, and your favorite throw blanket from the basket next to your couch. Your boyfriend — true to form — has taken it upon himself to do the absolute most.

Phase one of Jimin’s unspoken plan started before you’d even gotten out of bed. He’d left to get you boba and came back with not only your favorite tea, but every imaginable impulse buy he encountered on his way home that may come in handy.

Or make you laugh.

Or that smells nice.

Now that you’d been thoroughly showered in unanticipated gifts, Jimin was moving on to phase two. From what you’ve gathered, it includes literal, physical pampering.

Jimin sits back on his knees — careful to avoid bumping his head as he does so — and stares down at the impressive bouquet of plastic packages he’s accumulated. At least ten different types of sheet masks from as many different brands. Even though he’s angled away from you, you can see the way his face scrunches up, deep in thought.

“Are detoxing and purifying not the same thing?” Jimin mutters to himself without looking up.

Instead, he holds one of the mask packets as close to his face as possible, scans the tiny print with furrowed brows and narrowed eyes. Suddenly louder, he tosses his head back and confirms with a whine, “Baby, we bought synonyms.”

You’re too fond for words, especially when Jimin hears you giggling and looks at you, pouting. There’s a beat, then your laughter makes him laugh; and then his eyes disappear as a grin consumes his whole face. You’re not sure how it’s possible for a person to sparkle like that, but watching the way he lights up restores some of your depleted battery.

If life were a video game, there’d be a tiny, 8-bit heart reappearing on your screen.

+5 HP.

Out of spite, Jimin tosses the duplicate masks back into the plastic organizer they’re kept in, takes his final choice in hand, and climbs to his feet. It doesn’t take him long to cross from where he sat to where you sit. It takes even less time for him to launch himself over the back of the couch, where he lands gracefully in the empty spot at your feet.

Like the heartthrob he knows he is, he runs his fingers through his disheveled hair and pushes the strands out of his eyes. You blush — you always blush — and even though he’s not looking at you, the smirk tugging at his lips confirms that he knows that, too.

Jimin shifts on the cushion he’s claimed to face you fully. The untouched bottle of water on the coffee table catches his eye, though, and he frowns — first at it, then at you. Before he can remind you with words, you grab it, unfold the straw, and make a big show of taking a large gulp. Your cartoonish sigh after swallowing earns you exactly what you wanted: an eye roll and an affectionate squeeze on your bent knee.

With the straw still between your teeth, you mumble, “Does dating me ever feel like playing the Sims? You know, making sure my hunger and energy meters aren’t in the red?”

“Of course not.” He reaches out to cup your cheek with his hand. On instinct, you lean into the touch. With all the seriousness in the world, Jimin declares, “I would never stick you in a swimming pool and delete the ladder.”

Your laugh comes from deep in your belly, warms every part of you on the way out of your mouth. You tingle all over when Jimin leans over your bent legs to press a kiss to your forehead.

+10 HP.

[mechalily]

MOMENTS OF BREEZINESS | PART 1

(𓇼𓏲*ੈ✩‧₊˚🎐) tags: fem!reader, fluff, slight OOC, usage of japanese terms, teenager Geto, no y/n usage. word count: 1,4k

(⭒✮⭒) synopsis: beautiful moments of your youth you'll cherish forever. after all those years, you still remember the day Geto's made a move on you

GETO SUGURU, JULY 2006

♫₊˚.🎧 ✧ now playing: Lemon Demon - Fine

that was a hot, boiling hot summer day. no matter how many years you've lived in Japan — july with all its humidity combined with high temperatures has never become more bearable for you nor for the locals. you wore a white cotton sundress, which was pretty opposite to your common dark purple jujutsu academy uniform. no loose hair, no fashionable boots, even no backpack: you put all the efforts into fighting the insufferable heat, yet it still wasn't enough. dripping sweat, you impatiently tapped your leg, enjoying the satisfating sound of a shoe platform knocking against the dry ground.

higher ups, being the insensitive jerks they were, sent you and your classmate Geto, who was considered a special grade unlike you, the second grade sorcerer, off to Enoshima island. due to packing up in 30 minutes before getting on a train and spending an hour on the entire way in the dead of night, you felt drained out and sore. fighting the curses wasn't very tough with Geto by your side yet you still were exhausted and the weather didn't help. currently it was 13:12 — the worst part of the day where sane people stay in the coolness of their homes or working places but you were a sorcerer, so no sagacity coming from you should be expected. after all, the "tough times bring opportunities" principle guided you throughout life and how could you lose an opportunity to have fun at Enoshima island?

although waiting for a bus for almost 40 minutes made you reconsider your decision. maybe you shouldn't risk getting a sunstroke and chill in the quitness off your hotel like Suguru instead? during sunrise, after you two have completed your mission, you suggested him to go with you, but Geto politely declined, saying that swallowing curses is incredibly energy-consuming so he would prefer to have a nap before heading back to Tokyo.

"well, your loss," you shrugged shoulders nonchalantly, to which he only chuckled. now you've realized Geto was the one to make a smart choice.

you were already stepping away from the bus stop, internally giving up on the beach, but sudden sound of a ring bell and squeak of wheels accompanying it grabbed your attention.

"this dress suits you a lot, ojou-chan," familiar soft-spoken voice immediately made you turn back. Geto Suguru himself was sitting on the saddle: he jauntily flipped his gorgeous, half-bun half-down hair, swang his leg over the seat and came up to you, dragging the bike along by its handlebar.

"Geto-kun!" you gasped. "didn't you stay at the hotel? and what's with ojou-chan?" him complimenting you like this was very flustering, since usually Suguru was the calm and even a bit aloof one in your class, unlike his best friend Gojo.

"i did. it's just that thoughts of you being at Enoshima's lively coast all alone overwhelmed me, so I decided to at least watch over if anything happens. and i have to get something for Satoru and Ieri too: can you imagine Satoru's whinings if I returned from oh so famous Enoshima island empty-handed? he would act insufferable," Geto started fanning himself with his shirt which indicated the heat getting at him too. for a second you peeked at his bare chiseled abs before he stopped with the billowing. "talking of ojou-chan... it's quite fitting for someone with looks as mesmerizing as yours," is it for real? is that the proper yet distant man you've always shared classroom with in Tokyo Jujutsu High or you are hallucinating because of the heat?

"oh, dear... it's really unlikely for you to, ugh-" you pondered whether you should just straight-forwardly call it "flirting" or mess around the bush for awhile, "to speak in such manner, if you know what i mean," due to sheepishness your voice was barely above a whisper yet Geto still heard it.

"hm? i have no clue about what are you talking about," Suguru blinked innocently, batting his awfully long eyelashes. 'of course he knows!' you thought to yourself, and his teasings (as additional source of heat) almost made steam go out of your ears.

"y-you!.. anyways, we are not going to the beach. i'm already overheated, and it won't get better unless i have some mugicha and well-deserved rest in my hotel room," sometimes stubborness is meaningless, and this is the exact moment when you should give up and change plans. "you can go alone if you are still interested but I'm heading back."

"i'm not interested in going anywhere without you," Geto simply stated. his casual behaviour didn't go with flirty speeches, and you hadn't have an idea on how to act around him from now on. you've always been on good terms with each other, yes, but your bonds were not that strong. it was Satoru who complemented Suguru like yin and yang and you spent most of the time with Shoko. "how about a nice joyride? me, you, Enoshima's scenery. it won't take long yet will make the heat go away," he tossed his hair once again and the bun fell over; before you could've reacted, Geto put hair tie in his mouth and started pulling his hair back to make a proper bun. you stared in awe, unable to take your eyes off him. the definition of "beauty", standing right in front of you, looked like a model. now you could understand Gojo's obsession with collecting Waka Inoue's DVD's where she walked around some pretty scenery wearing a bikini or a tiny dress. if Suguru was filmed like that, you would buy this DVD and rewatch the video daily.

"is there something on my face?" he raised an eyebrow and realization of your latest thoughts and actions hit you.

"u-ugh, no! nothing's there! i was just...uh...contemplating, yeah. contemplating it is," your awkward mumbling made the male smirk.

"contemplating me? wow, i feel so honored. though being watched under your rigorous gaze is somewhat awkward," nothing in Suguru's smug expression showed awkwardness. towering over you, blinding you with his eye-catching looks (which he was fully aware of and not oblivious as he pretended to be at Jujutsu High), Geto drowned you deeper in insanity caused by the heat. he wasn't Satoru so you couldn't smack him though you really wanted to.. "how about contemplating my suggestion, hm?"

"I'd like to accept it but there is one tiny obstacle.." fine, let it be! if he acts like a player and toys around, why can't you have a little game? "it's illegal to ride a bike with a passenger without actual second seat, and I can't see another bike with you. what a bad, bad guy you are, violating the law", you playfully chided at him.

"if I'm the bad guy, there must be a goodie two shoes to set me down, right?" he chuckled, but then gave you a cunning grin. "seems like it isn't that hot. i assume you can handle such heat effortlessly, isn't it? if so, i might just continue my bike-stroll. bye-bye-e-"

"hey, wait! no backsies, i'm going with you!", you interrupted Geto by grabbing his sleeve — he was already preparing to push off and ride away.

"so you ended up joining a criminal?" Suguru faked a disappointed look while you were making yourself comfortable on a back of his saddle.

"from now on, we are an outlaw couple," you nod seriously not without a cheeky streak to it.

"and how about being a couple in general?" the way he asked this so lightly had butterflies in your stomach awoken.

not wanting to give in into his antics, you replied in the same jiggish manner, like it was just some pleasantry-exchange and not the event which would make you circle today's date on the calendar with a postscript 'best day in my life!', "i'll consider it... after a nice trip, of course."

"then hold on tightly. we don't want you falling off and getting injured, so put your hands as if you are hugging me and don't want to let go," following Geto's instructions, you couldn't help but notice how intensively his heart was beating, almost hitting his ribs.

"as if? and what if i don't want to let you go for real?" you naughtily grinned, burying yourself in the nape of his back. you've never ever been that close. now you could smell his soap, light airy fragrance filling your nostrils with each inhale.

"oh dear. you are flattering me," vibrations from Suguru's chuckle made you feel all giddy and giggly. "do it like you mean it, then!" with those words Geto pushed off the ground and Enoshima's views quickly turned into fast-changing panorama, sea breeze clearing your lungs.

*ojou-chan — semi-formal way for an older people to address young women. depending on context, can be translated like "young lady" or "cute little girl" with a bit of indulgence (?)

* mugicha — roasted-grain-based infusion made from barley. has a toasty, bitter flavor.

[noroi1000]

❝𝐒𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐮-𝐒𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐢❞ Chapter 13

Satoru-Sensei | ←Previous chapter • Next Chapter →

Summary: Satoru's sweet homecoming.He did everything to return from the mission as quickly as possible. To spend more time with you. What could go wrong?

A/n: (y/n) returns to the story! Basically, I noticed that she didn't have that big a role to play... Gojo is more of a main character here... The reader isn't involved that much in the story up to this point...

"I didn't hear you come in the house." You said, keeping your hands on the door frame as you saw Satoru's back as he lay on his stomach on the bed. 

He let out a soft growl, as if he had just woken up.  You didn't want to wake him up, but you also wanted to talk to him and spend time with him. After all, he was gone all day yesterday and came back only now, at night.  You spent the previous night alone, without him. But you could enjoy talking to him on the phone. 

"I teleported here right after the mission was completed." He groaned in a slightly hushed, hoarse voice. 

"You had three days to do it." You said this, calmly walking towards him. You closed the bedroom door and turned on the warm light of the bedside lamp. "And you came back after one day."

You sat down next to him, placing your hand on his shoulder blade. His body didn't move at all. He simply placed the side of his face on the pillow and looked at you with one eye. 

"I didn't want to spend a lot of time away from home. Without you. Besides, I knew my little bunny would be lonely when I was gone for three days." He gave you a small smile and didn't move otherwise, letting your hand touch him without moving. 

You reached for a strand of your hair and, looking to the side with a tiny smile, tucked it behind your ear. 

His eye was on your face. He felt as if his energy had been given back to him, even after working for so long. Seeing your face after something like that was like a dream. Like a long-awaited sleep after sleepless hours. The sight of a small smile and a slight pinkness on the cheek.  If this was an anime or any series, the moment he looked at you, the background would turn pink, and there would be slight sparkles around your face.  But even if this is your real life, he can't deny that he can imagine it.

How pretty sparks fly around your pretty face.

He was doing it especially for you. To get home quickly. To be with you longer. 

Officially, he was on a mission for three days. So when he finished the mission in one day, he had two days off and could stay home with you. He didn't have to go to work. He could be with you as long as he wanted! Two extra days of freedom with you! Isn't this great? 

As soon as he got off the plane, he started searching for the curse he was supposed to find and exorcise. He didn't sleep at night to find it. It took him almost the whole day. No rest, only small snacks from the stalls on the street. Just to take care of it quickly and then come home to be with you. 

He won't have to get up for work for two whole days. Two whole days of freedom! He can wake up, eat breakfast with you, and then do anything you want with you! Isn't that really great?!

"How long have you been looking for a quick return to Japan?" you asked, sitting down next to him. You bowed your head and placed your chin on his shoulder blade, looking at the half of his face that was turned towards you. 

"I looked for a plane for half an hour. But none of them were as fast as I wanted. I have the coordinates of this place and its appearance encoded in my head." He pointed to his forehead with his thumb. And he tapped lightly above his now-closed eye. 

You saw a smile spread across his face.

"Do you-." you spoke up, placing your cheek on his shoulder. 

You didn't know how to finish that sentence. You hoped he would understand what you wanted to say.

Did he teleport home? Did he do something else? Was he flying? 

"I just remembered the place I love. The coordinates might help if I don't know the exact look. But I will always remember my home." 

He loved spending time at home.

At school, you thought he was a party person. You thought he spent very little time at home. 

Or maybe it was until you were gone that he was supposed to be returning? 

He wasn't afraid of people. He talked and was even louder. But you understood that he was able to reconcile his love for the warmth of home with going out to have fun with friends. Now, he was going out with the disciples. 

You remember how you also went out with others and with him. 

Aww, you're so glad you managed to have such a man! You're glad he wanted you! Your teenage crush on your sensei has been fulfilled, and you have been together with him for two years!

"Are you happy?" he asked as he stood up slightly to look at you. 

"... Yeah!" You replied with a happy smile and reached up to his cheek to press a kiss under his eye and listen as he let out a contented purr, accompanied by a soft chuckle. 

"Come here." he said, reaching for your hair and placing a large hand on the top of your head.  He pulled you down to place your closed lips on his closed ones. Your lips were just touching in the most chaste kiss you had ever seen. 

Until you finally became hungrier for his closeness and parted your lips to capture his lower lip. Feeling the movement before you could completely follow your plan, he smiled wider and opened his mouth, trapping yours. 

His lips were still curled into his smile as he teasingly caught your lip between his tongue and his teeth. 

You pulled away with a blush and lightly slapped his bare side. 

"Why you–!"

"Why am I teasing you? Baby, you're so cute with that red angry face!" 

He turned to lie on his back and pulled you onto him. Your legs were kneeling on the bed while your stomach lay on top of his, with your arms on the other side of his body. 

"Satoru-Sensei! You–!"

"You can't beat your own Sensei~♡!" he closed his eyes with a humming laugh. His hands grabbed your wrists.

You sat on his stomach with a scowl on your face.

"You are no longer my Sensei!" 

"You're the one who really likes calling me Sensei~♡" he teased you, pulling your arms to your sides to bring your face closer and closer to his. 

"You told me so!" You arched your back, pressing your thighs on either side of his stomach. "You're the one who likes it!"

"Arguing with you is so cute! If I were cruel, I would want to argue with you more often just to see that face! But arguments are not my thing!"

He suddenly let go of your hands, causing you to fall backwards, laying your head on the mattress between his knees. 

"I thought you'd be tired!" You straightened up and sat up properly, resting your hands on his abs. 

"I was tired until I saw this cute face! What, did you want to give me a relaxing massage?"

"Even if so, what? You're such a tease today!"

"I missed you!"

Seeing how your face looked like you were pretending to be offended, he thought of something to make you blush and not be ready for his love attack. 

"Sweet hands on your muscular, naked belly?" he said suddenly. 

For a moment, you wondered what he meant, and then you looked at your hands that were touching his skin. And you almost jumped up, your face red. 

But he was faster, and when he saw your face getting brighter, he lunged forward, turning you around. 

Nuzzling, your cheek hovered above you. And then he kissed your cheek, lying on top of you, so you couldn't run away from him. 

"That's why I love you more than anything in the world." He pressed a kiss on your cheek once again. 

A kiss filled with love came from these words.

The tickling feeling made you smile and enjoy what was happening now. 

Until he pulled away from your face and looked toward the window. Seeing how the light of the setting sun also enters the sight. 

He is not the only one who uses coordinates to never confuse the places where he appears.

Taglist: @mc-reborn ; @yihona-san06 ; @yerinsshi ; @erisfayred ; @tohsri

[theretirementstory]

11/08/2024. Bonjour tout le monde, it’s 22c and we are due 33c today. I think I will be reading my book in a dark room, either that or I may just be 😴.

Although my garden has been neglected plants will still push through and flower. The hibiscus look beautiful and the Weigela shrub, which needs cutting back, is also flowering.

My hospital visit in Paris on Monday was quite eventful, I was told I needed just a platelet transfusion and was preparing myself to leave when the doctor came back, apologised and told me I needed haemoglobin too. Instead of leaving early it was another two hours for that transfusion. She also said I needed to go to Paris again on Thursday! Arriving home around 18:30 I then found I had left my phone charger! What a numpty! I rang up early the next morning to say I had left my charger and decided to ask about it on Thursday.

When I got up on Tuesday I was so pleased I had had the two transfusions as I was so full of energy, I stripped my bed, washed and ironed the bedding, went upstairs and cleaned my room and remade the bed. I made shopping lists for Anie and Monique and paid bills! My goodness that was a busy day for me!

So of course Wednesday I was not so energised, but I still managed to prepare for my trip to Paris. I think that three injections in one day is really too much for me. My abdomen and legs feel sore and the injections play havoc with my transit. Anie visited me around 5pm bringing with her the new lady who is going to do my cleaning. She said she would come on Friday so I was feeling rather happy.

The taxi arrived early on Thursday morning and I was at the hospital so early (which was nice), I asked about the charger and amazingly we were reunited. Today I did only need platelets although my blood pressure ended up being low and had to be taken a few times before it was deemed ok for me to go home. It was only 13:10 and after a visit to the pharmacy in town I was still home by 16:00. What a great surprise.

I had to buy a blood pressure monitor to take readings twice a day for the next 10 days. Next week I have two visits to the hospital in Troyes and am not back in Paris until the 19th of the month.

“The Photographer” has been back at work, after his holiday. He has his children this weekend and took them out for the day yesterday. They went to Beamish Open Air Museum, it’s lovely there, I took my boys a few times, the place is expanding all the time which is good as there is something new to see. It’s nice for them to go out and about while the weather is pleasant. My grandson has now got his passport so he can have a holiday abroad 😁.

“The Jetsetter” is busy working, saving the money for the next round of holidays I am sure. Although meals out, days at the races etc are being enjoyed and why not!

“The Trainee Solicitor” is moving up the workplace ladder. Showing what he is made of and what he has learned in the years he has studied. Yesterday was a first for him, he went to a prison for a visit (usually it’s the other way round for the inmates). Then he was eying up new clothes (no not striped prison clothes) and early evening a visit to the cinema. Wow that was a busy Saturday!

Yes “The Recovery Coordinator” also enjoyed the outing yesterday. The trip to the cinema had been to see a film she fancied. I know she is looking forward to her trip to France (they both are) I am hoping that the weather will be warm for them but not in the 30’s.

I am preparing food for these two people coming so that I don’t have to spend all my time in the kitchen. I made mincemeat tarts yesterday, that’s a dessert for myself and “The Recovery Coordinator”. I guess I will be making a chocolate cake for “The Trainee Solicitor” (it’s his favourite).

I need to arrange for the gardener to come and cut the hedges and the grass. I need to ring the plumber to come and repair the plunger on the upstairs washbasin as well as ring the roofer and find out when he will repair the flashing.

Now to the music part of the blog. The first song is “I Can Make You Feel Good” by Shalamar which was released in 1982.

The second song is “Amoureuse” by Kiki Dee this song was released in 1973 when I was younger than I care to remember 😂.

Now the sun is pouring through the windows in the lounge I think I will get ready for a little walk outside, then come back and bake the chocolate cake, make my sandwich for tomorrow and then take a few minutes to relax before I look for the next job.

Until the next time……..

[i-have-not-slept]

Malectober Day 13: Hell

Warning: this is not a happy chapter.

——————————————————————————

The room was dark and very quiet. From outside, several streets away, came faint screams and sobs, the acrid smell of smoke. Inside, though, it was quiet. Alec felt Magnus shift slightly beside him.

It was a month— at least, Alec thought it was a month— since Clary had been killed at the Battle of the Burren, and Sebastian Morgenster had risen up with his army of Endarkened. Alec hadn’t known that things could get so bad, so quickly. Jace —it was agony even to think of him —Jace was still in thrall to Sebastian. The streets of New York were overrun with demons. Idris had fallen some weeks ago. That had been the worst of all, Alec thought, seeing the home of his people crumble. Their last stronghold, gone. Isabelle was gone. It had been the worst moment of Alec’s entire life, seeing his sister struck down by Sebastian. She’d put everything she had into trying to kill him, and he’d killed her like he was swatting a fly. Jace had stood by and watched, and let it happen.

Alec didn’t remember much else from that battle. People had told him he’d been screaming. Magnus had had to magically knock him out and drag him through a Portal to stop him from throwing himself at Sebastian in fury. “You would have died.” Magnus had pleaded with him later, tears in his eyes. “Please, Alec.”

Alec knew he was right, but it didn’t stop the hurt.

Magnus had taken him back to Manhattan after the battle. He and Catarina had set up a shelter for Shadowhunter and Downworlder children there, in what remained of Beth Israel Hospital, where Catarina had worked. They were there now, sleeping in a room that had once been an office. The rest of the hospital was filled with orphaned children and injured mundanes, who Magnus and Catarina did their best to heal. The sound of crying echoed through the entire building most nights. Outside, demons ravaged the streets and the Endarkened only grew stronger.

But he and Magnus were still alive. Against all odds, they had survived this far, and they were together. Alec tightened his grip on Magnus, lying beside him on the thin mattress. As long as he had Magnus, he had hope.

“Alec.” Magnus whispered in the dark. He sounded exhausted, and no surprise. He’d just spent ten hours going through the shelter, healing the injured.

“Yes?” Alec murmured.

Magnus was turned away from him, so Alec couldn’t see his face. When he spoke again, Alec knew that it wasn’t good news. “Have you -- have you heard about the blight that came out of Idris?”

“Yes.” Alec said warily. He’d seen the patches of grey, dead earth during the last battle of Idris. They’d been doorways for demons, letting them into the country. “What about it?”

Magnus was silent for a moment. He gave a long sigh, and pressed a little closer to Alec. “They’re part of the demonic energy Sebastian let into this world. And another part of it is-- warlocks have been getting sick.”

Alec didn’t want to continue this conversation. He wanted to go to sleep with Magnus in his arms and pretend everything was alright. But he had to know. “Sick how?”

Magnus was very quiet. When he next spoke, his voice was muffled, barely above a whisper. “They’ve been turning into demons.”

For a second, Alec couldn’t comprehend what he was hearing. Then the implications of what Magnus was saying rushed over him. “No.”

“I’ve seen it happen,” Magnus whispered. “When I was scouting with Catarina yesterday. Another warlock went mad right in front of us. Her face changed….” He gave a sudden choked sob, and Alec clutched him tighter, wanting to protect him from the whole world. “It won’t happen to you. It can’t.”

Magnus took a deep, shuddering breath. “It might. And Alec, if it does-”

“No.” Alec whispered again, knowing already what Magnus was going to ask, wanting to stop him before he said the words.

“If I turn into a demon-”

“Magnus, please-”

“I want you to kill me.” Magnus finished, and the words hung heavy in the silence.

The world swam in front of him. Alec closed his eyes, breathing in sharply to steady himself. “No. No. How could you even ask me-”

“Please, Alec.” Magnus’s voice was desperate. “I don’t want—I can’t become something like that. You told me you’d rather die than become Endarkened. It’s the same thing. Please— promise that if it happens—”

“It won’t.”

“You don’t know that. Promise me.”

Alec buried his face in Magnus’s shoulder, blinking back tears. He tried to steady himself. For Magnus. “I-I promise.”

Magnus exhaled. “Thank you.”

Alec held on to him, feeling sick. He’d made his promise to Magnus, but he knew that if the worse happened, he wouldn’t be able to keep it. He couldn’t.

——————————————————————————

It happened two weeks later.

A swarm of Ravener demons had attacked the shelter, acting on Seabstian’s orders. Alec had rushed out to face them, bow in hand, grateful for something to fight. Magnus had been beside him, because of course he was. Of course he wouldn’t let Alec face a threat alone. His hands had burned with blue fire, but it had seemed somehow weaker than normal, guttering like a candle in the wind. Magnus had been growing weaker in general over the past two weeks, and Alec had been growing more worried.

The battle had been harsh, Alec’s arrows sinking into the Raveners’ eyes, their scaly skin. When he ran out of arrows, he drew the sword he carried, slicing at their limbs. By his side, Magnus moved like a storm, blue flames striking down any Raveners Alec left. Suddenly, it was over. They stood surrounded by demon corpses -- since the blight had taken hold, demons didn’t seem to vanish when they were killed anymore. Alec lowered his sword, breathing hard. He glanced around to check for any more dangers, and then he heard it. An awful noise, not a scream or gasp or sob, but some combination of the three. He spun round, and realised it was Magnus. Alec had never heard such a sound of terror before. He was staring in horror down at his hands.

“Magnus.” Alec said, terrified. For a second, he thought that Magnus had been bitten by one of the demons, and then he saw what Magnus had seen.

The warlock’s hands ended in long, curving, claws.

All the breath was knocked from Alec’s lungs. Icy terror, colder than anything he’d ever felt before, shot through his veins. He lunged towards Magnus and caught him in his arms, grabbing his hands and examining them. The claws were black, the skin of Magnus’s hands unnaturally dark and leathery.

“It’s the blight.” Magnus’s voice shook.

“No.” Alec breathed. “No, it can’t be.”

“It is.” Tears spilled from Magnus’s eyes. “I’m becoming a demon.”

“No.” Alec repeated. “No, no-”

“I am.” Magnus whispered. “I-I can feel myself changing. Soon I won’t recognise you anymore- and then-” His gaze moved downwards, and Alec, hating himself, felt his own eyes follow.

To the silver sword, lying glinting at Alec’s feet.

Slowly, inexorably, Magnus bent and picked it up. His face, when he looked back at Alec, seemed thinner, unworldly. With creeping dread, Alec realised that he could see the marks of the change already on Magnus’s face.

Magnus said, “You know what has to happen.” His voice was faint, but strengthened with resolve.

“No.” Alec whispered again. He could say nothing else.

Magnus turned his eyes, unnaturally bright, on him. “You have to kill me.”

“No. No. Please no. I can’t. Magnus, I can’t.”

Magnus’s hands were shaking, but his face showed no sign of hesitation. He set the point of the sword against his chest and pushed the hilt into Alec’s hands. Alec lept back, the sword clattering to the ground. Hot tears welled in his eyes. “I can’t do this. I won’t. Magnus…”

“Alexander.” whispered Magnus, and he looked more heartbroken than Alec had ever seen him. “You promised. Alec, you promised….”

He stumbled forward, and Alec caught him, supporting him. Magnus crumpled against his chest, shaking with sobs. “Please, Alexander. I don’t want to be a monster. I’d rather die, Alec, I would. Alexander, please….”

Alec broke. Magnus was begging him, and his voice was awful. He was begging and begging, and Alec couldn’t stand it, warring with himself, crying, wishing he was anywhere else. Wishing he had any choice but this.

“Okay.” Alec whispered finally. A great calm stole over him. He was past any point of pain and grief. He knew only what he had to do.

Magnus gave a sob of gratitude. He slumped against Alec, crying in relief. “I’m sorry Alec. I’m so sorry.”

Alec waited until he had composed himself, then bent to pick up the sword. Everything was happening very slowly, every detail standing out starkly. The bright blade of the sword was stained with black demon blood. Alec carefully wiped it clean on a corner of his jacket. Even in the midst of his despair, even while his mind screamed at him to stop, some part of his brain remained in control, whispering instructions. Make it quick. Don’t let him suffer.

He wrapped his free arm around Magnus, drawing him close. Even with the glow of his eyes casting strange shadows over his face, even as his spine twisted itself into a new shape, Magnus looked beautiful. There was no fear in his eyes, only quiet acceptance. “It’s alright, Alec. It’s okay. You could never hurt me.”

Alec made an inarticulate noise of grief. He pulled Magnus closer. Their lips met. It was the tenderest kiss Alec had ever known, and the saddest. Magnus’s face was wet. Alec could taste salt in his mouth, and he didn’t know if it was his tears or Magnus’s. They clung to each other. Magnus whispered, “I love you, I love you.” over and over again.

They broke apart. Alec looked straight into Magnus’s eyes, wanting him to hear the words and understand. “I love you too. I love you, Magnus.”

He leaned in until he was close enough to feel Magnus’s breath, until their foreheads touched, and then he brought the sword up and thrust it into Magnus’s chest.

Magnus gasped. It was that noise that truly destroyed Alec, that even when he’d tried so hard not to hurt Magnus he still caused him pain. The sword went all the way through his chest, piercing his heart, and out through his back. It was a killing blow. Alec was still a Shadowhunter, even in the depths of pain and despair.

Magnus sagged, and Alec went with him, holding him up as his legs collapsed. They slid to the ground. Blood bubbled from Magnus’s mouth. His clawed hands clutched Alec’s face, and Alec was grateful for the sting of pain as Magnus' hands convulsed, cutting his skin. Tears and blood ran down his face together.

“Alexander.” Magnus whispered. He gazed up at Alec, his face showing only relief. “Thank you.”

Then his eyes slid shut and his head went limp against Alec’s arm.

@khaleesiofalicante @malectober

[tiredlilguy]

Atlas Stuff

because i'm bored and i'm also drinking my morning tea

Atlas is unaware of their own birthdate (there are no records of it either), but they count the years by adding a year when they see snow; when they were stuck in a room for 13+ years they'd look out at their small window, if it was snowing they added a year

Pianoman celebrates their birthday on the first day of winter just so then they don't forget (*sobbing* *head in hands*)

They had someone nursing them/teaching them how to speak/read/write up until the age of 5; they barely remember that person now though

They're technically Japanese (both parents are JP), but if we're going by law, they are a Martian

Atlas, up until joining the Mafia, did not understand social cues/human behavior/human tendencies/lingo and slang (or basically how to live in a society); they learned a few things from Kouyou as a start, but most of their knowledge on life comes from The Flags (this sort of plays on their "Martian" persona)

They do not have any knowledge/can't tell the difference of what is good and bad; considering their knowledge was mainly from their friends and subordinates/coworkers in the Mafia; they never had any guidance when it came to that stuff, and so in turn, they only thing that they care about in the Mafia is to have a home (The Flags), when they homes was stripped away from then, they had no genuine reason to stay

However, upon joining the ADA, they are given guidance on what is good and what is evil through Fukuzawa (he sort of treats them like they were his own)

Dazai and Atlas (in the ADA) are actually very close; they are comfortable with being vulnerable with each other (in a platonic sense); Atlas cooks him breakfast/takes care of him, since Dazai can't really reciprocate that care, he still offers to distract them from their own mind (who is still technically mourning for their past)

Atlas and Oda have crossed paths once; and it was very brief (it will be in their lore when i eventually post it all)

Atlas has hypersensitive senses; after being stuck in a room for so long, they've adjusted to hearing things outside of their room like conversations or birds chirping, their other senses are really enhanced as well (they can hear Iceman walking behind them, even if he's trying to mask his footsteps)

Since their ears are super sensitive, the first time they used a gun (and it was a machine gun), their ears bled; now they wear earplugs (Pianoman always has extras in his pockets, and he kisses their ears after missions)

Iceman and Atlas were work partners before The Flags were established; Atlas really admires Iceman as a mentor/senpai

Atlas never wears the own coat on their usual outfit, it's usually on Doc or they just forget to bring it to work; if they are wearing a coat, they will wear any of The Flags coats/jackets for a day (except for Doc's...); it's usually them wearing Pianoman's, but they do like to take the other's as well and they just wear it temporarily (like for a couple hours to a day) and none of them really care

Atlas is really good at running from the police (Detective Murase has BEEF with them)

Their vibe can switch really quickly depending on where they are: they are an actual psychopath with their targets (no mercy and really brutal), but literally the sweetest person in front of the Mafia/The Flags

They have golden retriever energy around most of the Mafia; people would raise a brow as to why they'd even be in the Mafia in the first place until they were found to be a rather talented killer

Atlas's killing style is very similar to Iceman's, but they're a little bit more brutal and quick; they do not use objects for what they're used for (they do not use a gun as a gun, they will smash a guys head in with a gun though!)

Atlas and Pianoman are the ship dynamic of "wide eyes and curios"/"the one that admires them" (they make me soft *sob*)

Atlas is strangely talented in a lot of their physical abilities, they not only have really good martial art skills, but they senses also help enhance those physical abilities (Doc likes to call them superhuman)

Most of Atlas's music influence comes from Iceman and Albatross

Atlas did not know that Lippman was an actor when they first met

Lippman influences a lot of Atlas's sense of style

(in the ADA), Atlas and Chuuya refuse to fight each other; they will either just walk away from it all together or just pretend not to acknowledge the other; no one knows about their truce except for Dazai

Atlas's martial art skills can actually rival Chuuya's... when they were in the Mafia they were considered the best in hand-to-hand combat (i sound like i'm writing a mary sue, but please just let Atlas be a badass human :( )

Atlas has beef with ability users that have a big head, they will get particularly angry (which is rare for them) if they're up against an enemy who brags with their ability (even after defeated them, they will still be angry, they stomp their foot like a bunny hehe)

Atlas has memorized The Flag's footsteps to a T, even if they attempt to change their walking pattern; they know when they hear unfamiliar footsteps

Atlas likes dried fruit, crab, and meat :)

They have a hard time processing emotions; usually Pianoman was the one to gently help them understand

They have a lot of interesting human features that's a little bit abnormal (longer canines, colorful hair, etc). I know I don't have a character sheet yet, but soon...

anyways, that's all >:D

[cha-melodius]

Hello (and guess what, I'm sending a 'normal' ask for once😉)

So, I love your TMFU AU's headcanons and I felt like sending you one for your consideration: Apollo 13 (the movie (hoping you've seen it otherwise this will a bit spoilery...)).

Illya, Napoleon and Gaby are the three astronauts meant to board the rocket and fly it to the moon (while Waverly is the Flight Director guiding the mission from earth.) They are a tightknit team who've come to trust each other with their life after hours and hours of training. Of course, Illya and Napoleon have fallen for each other along the way, and although they suspect their feelings may be returned, none of them has dared to make a move yet. Gaby is growing tired of seeing those two idiots dance around each other but, as the launching day approaches, she figures out she can wait a few more days before making them confront their feelings.

Only, days before the launch, Napoleon learns that he has been exposed to the measles, and since the NASA can't afford having an astronaut fall sick in space, he is replaced with his backup (I have no idea who that could be, but I like the idea of making a crossover with another spy movie franchise and bring in Colin Firth or something 😋). Illya and Gaby are not quite happy - not that the new guy is not competent, only he's not Napoleon -, but it's not like they can do anything about it anyway. Napoleon has thus to stay on earth and watch as a spectator as the rocket rises in the sky.

On the third day of the mission, an electrical short causes an explosion and the rocket starts loosing fuel. the NASA has no choice but to abort the moon landing, but that's not the worst part: with a damaged craft and little energy left, the astronauts might not make it back to earth either. Ground control gather the best experts to find solutions to (safely) bring the crew back home, and Napoleon (who did not get measles after all) is the most dedicated of them all. No one on earth knows the craft better than he does, and he'll be damned if he cannot find a way to work something out!!

I just think this AU offers so much possibilities (ok, so much angst 😅). Between the announcement that Napoleon has to step back (maybe Illya and/or Gaby say they won't go without him and Napoleon is the one to convince them to go anyway - then blames himself for it after the explosion?), the conversations between Ground Control and the crew (in my head, Waverly is the main interlocutor but Napoleon steps in to explain the required procedures/modifications...of course the communications are public and probably recorded, and though I can't see Napoleon make an outright confession, I can see him slip in allusions, choose his words to show how much he cares...), the deteriorating life conditions in the craft (the heat turned off, the carbon dioxide filters running out, the automatic navigation systems shutting down,...), the excruciatingly long seconds of radio silence... (and of course, as a bonus, the reunion!)

Just thought I'd dropped that here in case it may interest you (or you've got more ideas to add...) 😊

I have to admit I smiled at your warning that this might be spoilery, because somewhere in my parent's house there's a copy of the book Apollo 13 that I got signed by Jim Lovell on a class trip to the Huntington Space & Rocket Center shortly after the movie came out. So I am quite familiar with the story, as it turns out. 😅 (I loooooved that movie. It sparked a little space phase for me.)

Also oh my goodness, this is a wonderful setup for a super angsty story, lol. Especially with them not admitting their feelings before the launch! This is definitely torture Napoleon hours—not only does he not to get to go on the mission, he has to watch as two people he's super close to, one of whom is the love of his life, facing near certain death and not be able to do anything about it. I can imagine someone trying to keep him out, maybe Waverly as the mission director has an inkling of what they mean to him and so he worries about letting Napoleon be involved because he's so emotionally invested.

Then in the actual discussions, Napoleon would at first not be the one doing the talking, as you suggest, but I can see him taking over in a moment of emergency. He just jumps in, because this would be so much easier if he could just talk to them. And of course, the moment Illya hears his voice he's kind of stunned, there's silence on the line and people kind of freak out. I imagine Illya would be torn because of course Napoleon knows the ship better than almost anyone, but at the same time he knows he's staring down certain death and he doesn't want Napoleon to be there for it. Their communications (which were absolutely recorded and public) would become increasingly fraught, and I love the idea of them trying to say it without saying it, because this might be the last time they have to speak together.

So yeah, the A N G S T. Oof. But the reunion would be everything, I'm picturing them both just about running into each other's arms and kissing, not caring who is watching (it's the whole world, the whole world is watching lolol). Thanks for sending this in, it's a great AU idea!

[unrequited-words]

6/2/24

I wish everybody would leave me the fuck alone. So much for a day off. Instead of sleeping in I got to babysit.

Neighbors came over to jump on the trampoline. I gave them drinks and within 20 minutes they went home.

I've cleaned, folded laundry, washed dishes, and deal with hell on wheels three year old.

Last Wednesday was a fucking nightmare. I went to get a pap done, and in the middle of it I got a text that the car battery died. We had no jumper cables, and eventually had to have his stepmom pick me up, take me home to look for that and a car battery booster.

I did get the complement that I'm a shitty housewife. The house was dirty and she says that? I'm fucking sorry!111 I work full fucking time, her dad stays at home and does what?

She took me to get some cables and we went back to the hospital to jump the car. We went to the liquor store for some alcohol.

I don't remember what happened Thursday since that was a fucking blur with no day off and had to make sure my kid didn't burn the house down.

Friday and Saturday we're okay but I'm so tired of people being straight up fucking entitled assholes. I'm trying to do my job, and treating me like shit because you've never heard the word 'no' shows me what type of people there are in 2024

I am so burnt the fuck out, and in 8 hours I get to wake up and do it all over again.

I want a vacation. A real fucking vacation where I don't have to babysit and can just enjoy some time off but instead what do I use PTO for?

TO.FUCKING.SLEEP.

We get his kids in five weeks for three weeks. His daughter well my daughter if you consider that, is a moody 13 year old with a sailors mouth. His son is on the spectrum and doesn't listen, and the kid we share is in this stage where she doesn't listen.

I have so much riding on my shoulders as I'm the only one working. I wth, clean, and cook to make sure his life isn't hard after I get off of work because he is dealing with an almost 4 year old.

Sure, I'm playing the victim but what about my wants and needs?

I had an interrupted nap of 45 minutes and he woke me up to watch a movie and at that point I'm like fucking sure, fuck my day off.

We fought because I don't reach out to touch him or jump his bones? With what time and energy?

Oh, look more laundry to be fucking folded.

Yay me 😒

[casspurrjoybell-30]

Howling Love - Chapter 13

*Warning Adult Content*

Camryn Summer

[Are you sure you don't want to stay the night. Of course, dad will make sure you use the guest bedroom] Amille questioned and I chuckled shaking my head in refusal.

"I want to stay but I have a road trip and a date to plan and I need to go over stocks for the auto shop and I need to see my dad. I've got a full plate but it doesn't mean I won't miss you," I replied using his language.

The more I learnt about sign language and the more I practised, the easier it was to execute and talk with my future boyfriend.

Today had been spectacular, we had gone to our spot, had a heart to heart that left me feeling like Amille was it.

I could already see him at the altar, with me standing by his side, of course we were a long way from my day dream but I couldn't help want it even more now.

After we got back to his place, I had dinner with him and his dad, I couldn't resist.

Amille really had his talent for food, afterwards Black Panther finally made me emotional but I wouldn't cry, it was the perfect evening and despite the lingering curiosity to know what exactly happened between my father and Amille's.

I didn't want to ruin the serenity of today, it was way too perfect and I wanted it like that.

[I know you'll be thinking of me, I'm pretty unforgettable] he boasted as I looked at him with quirked brows feigning surprise.

"Well that's mighty alright good sir, I wouldn't want to forget you either way," I retorted, coming closer to him and hugging him, his arms couldn't go all around me but I could engulf him in my embrace and I didn't want to let go but I had to, only for tonight.

"Goodnight, duck-face," I whispered placing a kiss on his head.

[Goodnight boy-scout] he signed just as we parted and I walked to my car, waved before I drove out of his driveway and headed for home with an absurd smile on my face, was this how it felt to be mutually wanted, to have someone who truly made you feel like you were their world as much as they were to you.

With Vincent it never felt like this, Amille made it feel easy, it flowed, we had our awkward moments, we always bantered but when it was times like these, the energy around him was soothing, it's why my wolf was rumbling in content, happy to have his scent all over us, happy that he wanted us, happy that he was with us and cherish us, it felt good, ridiculously good.

My phone ringing brought me out of my giddy feelings as I swiped the screen without checking who it was.

"So how was it, did you guys have fun?"

It was Dean probing for something.

"Did you finally ask him on a date, an actual one not these conventional ones?"

That was Orlando, which was surprising, they never really hung out together besides at school or if I was there lately if Amille was there, they always argued and were both extremely competitive, it made me wonder why they were in the same space.

"First of... Yes, I did and secondly what are you two doing together without murdering each other, it's late shouldn't one of you be in your own home," I stated and Orlando cheered, he really set a new standard for his weird outbursts.

"Ignore the shrieking one man cheer squad, I'm sleeping over at his house, my mom has a thirty six hour shift at work and I didn't want to be home alone so I decided to crash at his, he's pretty cool," Dean explained with a muffled Orlando in the back, it was amusing how they were getting along despite their destructive tendencies.

"And you're sure one of you won't try to suffocate the other with a pillow?" I questioned just to make sure and they both gasped.

"How dare you Camryn, we would never," Orlando argued.

"Fine, sorry, I'm just checking," I apologized with a chuckle.

"Its cool, hey we've gotta go, I need to beat this punk at Mario," Dean suddenly announced.

"You ain't beating no one baby," Orlando sassily retorted shocking me a little since it really came out wrong.

"That's something," I commented and the call quickly cut off leaving me laughing to myself, whatever was going on between those two.

Amille and I were going to have a field day grilling them about it and somehow thinking of Amille and having him included in every slight thought, doing things together.

It made me smile, of course I was whipped and my wolf was obsessed but who could judge me, he was just too damn adorable.

Parking my car in the garage, just before I got out I picked up on raised voices, my parents were at it and luckily my siblings weren't around to witness this.

I wondered why they never considered how their fights and arguments could be affecting us.

Our home lacked the peace it once had, always a static tension that needed the slightest nudge and it would blow.

It wasn't healthy, not for any of us but what could we do, they were the ones with no consideration and it made me wish I had just stayed over at Amille's tonight.

"Of course... even when you know he's not yours... it gives you the slightest chance to go back running to him... doesn't it? I thought it was over. I thought you were over it but the slightest sight of him and you can't even sleep anymore," my mother yelled as I walked into our home, past the kitchen onto the stairs, they were in the lounge both fuming.

"It's just..." my dad paused when they both noticed me.

"Camryn honey, you're home, I didn't hear you, how was your day honey?" my mother questions trying to reign in all the emotions her facial features were showing and to spare myself everything I decided to just play along.

"It was good, thanks mom," I told her before turning for the stairs.

"Are you hungry. I made meatloaf," she suggested and I shook my head in refusal.

"No I'm good. I ate a ton earlier but when I wake up later I think I'll reheat it and have some, thanks mom. Goodnight mom. Goodnight dad," I exclaimed before turning for the stairs not wanting to wait a minute longer pretending everything was okay when it wasn't.

My home was a mess.

I was just a teen trying to figure out my own life, granted I was mature enough to know that my parents needed help.

I felt they needed to sort this out by themselves.

"Goodnight sweetie," I heard mom call out with a smile just as I was up the stairs headed to my room.

A ping on my phone made me turn it up to check the message, it was from my angel.

[Can't sleep?] I asked and a bushing emoji was his response.

[I wanted to make sure you got home safe, plus I needed to remind you that you shouldn't panic if you find your lacrosse gear missing, I had dad steal it from your car, it needed a clean] he mentioned shocking me again, I hadn't even noticed it was gone.

[That's a lot of stuff to clean. I appreciate it but I could've done it later] I told him and he laughed, through emojis, yet I could see him doing it.

[You do so much for me, its the least I could do and you have a game soon, I wanted you to go out there and win with winning equipment, if that's a thing] he retorted making me laugh, a smile on my face, all the negative emotions brought on by my parent's arguments gone.

[We'll make it your thing okay] I suggested and he fist bumped.

[You okay neanderthal?] he suddenly questions.

I had no heart to tell him that my parents were arguing again, most likely related to something along the lines with his dad and mine and him too.

I knew it was connected to what he wanted to tell me but if I let myself know, it would also affect me in a way I currently didn't want, although it was clear as clarity I just didn't want to acknowledge it.

[I'm fine when you're there for me, so I won't lie and say I'm okay but talking to you right now, it makes everything better] I replied and he sent a photo smiling.

[And that's all I want for you, we'll be okay Camryn, whatever it is] he assured me and I held on to his words because I knew they were true.

I could count on  Amille, that he felt right, even now, so I continued our conversation on lighter topics and school of course since he was a genius and I needed the help.

He was right, it would be okay.

[gandreida]

will you tell the story of driving nearly an entire day for a kiss?

Okay it was a little exaggerated 😅

Back in 2021 I, like so many others, was having a bit of a hard time staying alive and I really consider that February to be the lowest point my mental health ever had the displeasure of reaching, plus I was emotionally raw from a previous relationship.

I met someone online around that time who lived down in LA and we quickly formed a fun dynamic where we’d just pretend to fight all the time. I’d send lots of quick lil videos throughout my day but we weren’t dating but we might as well have been.

April rolls around and I’m like “Hey I’m driving 10 hours to go to the Bay Area for a weekend in June, maybe I could visit you in L.A. for the rest of the week?” which is only an extra 6 hours to the trip but 🤷‍♀️ plus it was right after the covid vaccines came out so everything was kinda perfect

June comes, visit my friend, start makin’ my way down, get nervous thinking how I’ve never been so far from home while alone, almost turned back even!! I ended up out in front of their house though and when they came out I was too excited to do anything except smile. After like 30 seconds of awkward talking I lunged for a hug and made them spill their soda water

We went straight to the shed out back behind their house and just were talkin. I couldn’t keep up w/ our Hate Based Dialogue, it felt weird in person so I was just kinda quiet.

They mentioned that they kinda wanted to go to the store and I was like hey cool I’ll come w/ and they said they wanted to go alone and I was just stunned, like my whole person just felt cold as they walked out of the shed leaving me alone. I went to lie down and go to sleep when like a minute later they came back and were like “forgot somethin”

I just was like oh okay cool! and tried to go back to sleep and they immediately were like “that was a bit it was a bit are you sad omg im sorry” and started making fun just like “oh so i leave and your tactic is ‘🥺 im SAAAAAD i will lie down to get sympathy and seem pathetic’ youre a joke” and at that point I was feelin better knowin they were just fuckin around. Their deadpan humor far exceeeded mine which was kinda fun but jesus 😵‍💫

we spent the rest of the day in bed just watching movies while they just gave me a massage for what was like idek how many hours. Let friends know I was safe and that I’m glad I came, fall asleep.

I arrived Monday morning, come wednesday evening I’m crying because I’m like “the weeks half over, what time I have left with them is less than the time I’ve already spent. I don’t want to go home” ‘cause at home I just didn’t feel loved it was all very sad (everything regarding my 2021 home issues have been completely and entirely resolved. Me & my friends are built different)

We spent the first couple o’ days outside in San Diego swimmin’ around and walkin’ at night and sleeping on some pretty uncomfortable concrete then when we got back to LA we just stayed in for the most part ‘cause there was a heatwave and temps were up to like 110 and it just sapped me of all energy. It was nice though we just got to laze around all day in their mom’s shitty house that was falling apart (their mom wasn’t home for the week.)

I was meant to leave Friday so I could go home at a safe pace, but I resolved to stay another day as I didn’t want to fucking leave!! But I had work Sunday so my drive home Saturday had to be in one shot which took me 13 some odd hours ‘cause I had a lead foot and didn’t want to sleep in my car at a rest stop alone and w/o bed stuff

Anyway they talked me out of breaking up with them the following November and proceeded to nearly destroy my life through manipulative guilt trippy bullshit. Great musician though

[lifewithoutmeds]

January 14, 2024

A new year.

A quick recap of the last month: December 8: went to Universal Studios with Raymond and Amy. It wasn't that fun, but it was something, and it took all day, and I was tired and relieved to go home afterward. Laughed a lot. Amy's fun.

December 10: Shadowed at VBAS. Met two nice volunteers and spent two hours getting blankets and beds for the dogs, and hosing down and scraping poop in the kennels. December 11: Corworked with Danielle. I don't remember the particulars, but it has typically been a routing of me getting there at 7, petting snickers, plugging away at work while chatting with danielle now and then, taking snickers on a nice hour-long walk, ordering chicken and waffles, getting off at 5, then going someplace for happy hour.

December 13: Eemo arrived and after a slight fiasco trying to find her at Union Station, finally got her to my mom's condo, and she stayed for about three weeks.

December 15-16: Hung out with Rhiannon then helped her move some of her bulky items into a storage unit. She treated me to chicken and waffles at Pan's.

December 16: Went to Amy's holiday party where I got too drunk, pushed some people's buttons, then cried and overstayed my welcome, then was overwhelmed with shame for the next few days.

December 17: Went to a performance of Handel's Messiah at Our Lady of the Angels cathedral downtown. It was fine. I was very sleepy and the orchestra and choir were much tinier than I expected, but eemo wanted to watch it and I hope she got her fix. I think afteward we got chinese food at Hong Kong barbecue.

December 18-25th I had off. In that time, I hung out with Caroline and Grace once at Caroline's new place, and hung out with my mom and eemo a lot, including a two night airbnb stay at Joshua Tree and a tramride thing in Palm Springs. We also walked around Palm Springs a bit but it started to rain so we went to our airbnb. They tried Sam's Indian and liked it, and we went to the park and took a little hike, looked at interesting rock formations, got a tiny bit lost, and my mom and aunt did more scrambling than I expected, which was nice. At night, we would play Splendor, watching random Korean videos on Youtube, and sit in the hot tub while looking at the stars. Pretty nice.

December 24 I went to Lana's which was loud and crowded and there ended up being some very uncomfortable drama with my dad and i ended up spending some type just quietly sitting with him as he had been publicly embarrassed and was essentially just hiding by himself afterward.

December 25 we went to church and then my mom's and I think we just ate some leftovers.

December 28 I met Grace H for dinner at tam o shanters, drank a bit too much, went to the bar next door, then somehow drove home.

December 30 eemo came over and we spent some time making mandu. Afterward we went to Lana's for dinner and my mom got overwhelmed at the kids' energy.

December 31: Church with my mom and eemo, then a nice Thai massage with eemo later in the afternoon. Didn't go out, didn't see anyone, and went to sleep early.

Then it was 2024!

January 1: Went to my moms and we had mandu gook, and then I suggested we play Splendor, but for money (just $1/point differential) and they had a ton of fun and me and eemo won money from my mom who is sadly not that good.

Later that day I went to Patti's swank apartment where there was a potluck and a bunch of drinks and I met a bunch of her friends and made a lot of people laugh and exchanged numbers and ig handles with a handful of people and later on Patti said that i was a hit and left with a fanclub, which made me feel nice.

I think on the second and third, after working, I went to my mom's for more Splendor and more money-making. Eemo left the next day.

January 5: Joshua Tree with the Long Beach lesbians! I headed out semi-early and went to Garden Grove where I packed my camping items in two different cars and carpooled with two very nice engaged ladies named Tam and Doris. We got to know each other in the two hour drive and they laughed a lot at my humor which was affirming For the next couple days we had campfires, went to the park and looked at rock formations and scrambled, took photos, and ate really gourmet meals that LD put together. The second night the wind picked up and it started raining, then hailing/sleeting, and Steph and Kim's tent got pretty destroyed so at 4am we ran back and forth putting their bags and blankets either in Kim's trunk or in my little two-person backpacking tent. I then invited Steph to sleep in my tent as she seemed to feel unwelcome in Kim's car, and we uncomfortably tried to sleep when there was too much stuff and her dog slept between us, curled up, and taking up more of the tent space than either of us and I didn't sleep well and was also highly conscious of my snoring and whenever I felt it I would abruptly wake up, try to stop it, and try to turn, but it was hard because of the lack of space and mobility.

In the morning we packed up, said our goodbyes, and the five of us went to Pappy Harriet's for some lunch, drove back to Garden Grove, unpacked my stuff, and I had some pho before I left before going home.

January 8 I had a dentist appointment.

January 9 I met up with Trace for dinner afterwork and she was still in a daze from the sudden death of her mom last month. I tried to have stories and be distracting and also got to briefly see her very cute new apartment.

January 10 I went in to work and got Maruguma Monzo udon with Kelly at lunch, and then had Paste E Pasta with Lorena after work, then Tony's for a beer and a few rounds of ping pong (of which I won all of.)

January 11: Facetime Therapy with Kelda.

January 13 (yesterday): Smog check and quick coin-op car wash in the morning, then Alhambra for Nico's 2nd birthday which had a bouncy house, pinata, and Fosselman's ice cream cake. It went from 11:30am-2:30pm and I left around then, came home, did a few chores, and then met Anjali at 6 where we headed to BCD soon dubu. The wait was about an hour until we finally got to eat. We got into a small tiff about Yelp reviews, and then on the drive home she asked me how I described her to my friends, and when i said "a little insane," she got pretty offended and said that she described me as "funny, considerate, responsible" and a whole lot of other positive things, which made me feel bad, and I think she was pretty offended that i described her as insane, but i tried to play it off like, well if you're my friend and i'm insane, then you're insane. aren't we all a little insane? but i could tell she felt kind of weird. didn't want to get dessert, didn't want to hang out afterward and gave me one word responses upon arriving at home. just "home" and then "g'nite." ugh. this might be weird and i feel slightly compelled to apologize to her, but i do think she's kind of insane. she overthinks, overfeels, is considerate in some ways but also pretty inadvertently inappropriate in others. she thinks pretty highly of herself and when i joked that her outfit was weird she said that she could guarantee that she could still get hit on in the restaurant, which i thought was a weird flex.

the week ahead: sunday: church today, hopefully, and an amazon return to whole foods of a recently-received and non-functioning space heater. then hanging out with my mom a bit for an early dinner. monday: fishing at the local tujunga pond with grace k and maddie tomorrow on MLKJ day. probably also some cleaning, and hopefully a walk, some journaling, and some much needed cleaning/organizing. wednesday: in office, then hopefully tiki bar with raymond after work. thursday: psychiatrist teletherapy where hopefully i can learn whether i've been taking the right dose of lamotrigine. friday-sunday: lake arrowhead airbnb with lana's family. i had bought sleds so the kids could go sledding, but it doesn't look like lake arrowhead has snow right now so i'm a bit bummed and also a bit concerned that there is no real outdoor activity and the kids will be bored and/or drive us crazy with their never-ending energy.

january 25: cowork with Danielle. january 27: VBAs interview january 28: hopefully church, and then brunch with Amy Lee.

RECAP: So far this year has been pretty good, and appreciably better than last year. Maybe the meds are working, or maybe my mind is just tired of being sad and is just trying to balance itself out.

a lot of sad things happened last year. i had my mental breakdown where i cried everyday and had suicide ideation. i was going through lexapro withdrawal and i was always cold. i stopped caring about what i ate, stopped exercising or even walking. there was a point where i would be on my phone 12 hours a day, and on weekends, sleep 12 hours a day. then i got on new meds and experienced rashes and probably other things that i forgot. i learned jadai was engaged and fell into another long bout of despair where there was more crying. i hadn't realized that i had been thinking all along that we would get back together once she figured things out for herself. xio died. antoinette's dad died. tracy's mom died. it just seemed like a year full of sadness, brokenness, and mourning/grieving for things lost.

i'm trying to think about if anything good happened. i did go camping and fishing in bishop with LD and kaelynn. i did make new friends: LD, kaelynn, tracy, and also met the long beach lesbian asian group. my mom got a nice condo within walking distance of my place. somehow my bonds/friendships with my old assessor friends strengthened. i think xio's death really shook us and we had a different sense of time. that we needed to really just do things, and see people if we cared about them, and prioritize things more, mainly relationships. and to make firm plans and not just vague ones. i texted with raymond more, saw steven and his family and even spent nearly an entire day with them and went whale watching. i had lunch with kelly. i coworked with danielle and amir. i feel like i also got closer with lana. we've texted or talked on the phone nearly every day, and at least twice a month, and we finally booked the long awaited airnbnb in a cabin at winter.

the last two weeks have felt better. i have felt more social, and that i'm getting better at socializing. a bit funnier. even more vulnerable, even more honest. i can also feel some old feelings coming back, the old me. i'm cleaning more. i'm organizing. i thought briefly about gardening again. i've been taking walks and listening to The Read again. i made granola for the first time in two years. i re-inventories my bathroom items. i bought windshield wiper fluid and a funnel and watched a youtube video on how to replace it as i've been getting little warning lights about it. i'm writing lists, tracking my finances, making resolutions.

Goals/Resolutions for 2024: Lose 30 pounds. if i just lose 5 lbs a month, even just intermittently, i should be able to attain this. take more walks, track my calories/macros, and even try to build in some intentional exercise. Read at least 10 books. i was doing pretty well last year until may when everything stopped. save at least $10,000. i think this will be fairly easy. i can typically save between $$1,000-$1,500/month, and even up to $2,000/month if i'm particularly frugal, if there aren't any big costly events, and i cut down on eating and drinking out. travel out of state two times. i didn't do this at all last year, but i want to. just to see things. i might visit antoinette. she's been pretty sad and she doesn't plan on visiting LA anytime soon. camp at least 2x. i like it. it refreshes me. and i've already gone once, so this should be pretty simple. i think i'd like at least one beach camping trip and maybe another bishop one, and now i might even have a "group" to go with. international travel at least one time. i should make it a point to leave the country and get my passport stamped. grace h is getting married in mexico, near mexico city, so that might be my one time, but it'd be nice to either go to south america or vietnam. try at least 6 new restaurants/bars. i have a tendency to stick to what i know and like, but i want to expand my horizons. watch at least 2 movies. this should be easy, and i used to love this, but lately i haven't been feeling it. when i was with jadai, we mostly watched the movies she wanted, which were almost always about some sort of social justice or queerness. last year i was able to watch two movies in theaters: past lives and barbie. neither was particularly good but it was nice to be a part of the public discourse. attend at least 4 live events. again, i basically only went to jadai's interests: courtney barnett at the ace theater, the national at the greek theater. so far i already have scheduled three: alanis morissette, sleater-kinney, and fortune fiemster. it should be easy to go to a few comedy events, but if tegan and sara end up touring in the states, i'll definitely go. keane has a tour playing "Hopes and Fears," my favorite album, but by the time i learned about it, there were only nose bleed tickets left and i didn't want to do that.

i want this to be the year where i get things back on track. i want to be healthier physically, emotionally, and mentally. i want to feel some sense of purpose. i want to feel enthusiastic and optimistic about something, anything. i want to spend less time on the phone, playing king's match and tetris.

[rose-tinted-nostalgia]

I took my son’s room away from him, moved him into my room even though there isn’t any space, and gave my mom half of my house. I paid to put her on my lease, and I paid her uhaul fees to get everything up here even though, thanks to my sons menace of a father, I am almost 20k in debt and cent even afford my own life. I gave her an entire bedroom and bathroom. Her and her boyfriend live here for free. I buy all their food & I pay for the extra $100 a month in utilities, and I take her place whenever she asks, and you’d think that’d count for something, but she is so goddamn mean to me. All she does is scold me - I don’t clean enough, I trash the house, I’m not strict enough, she wouldn’t parent the way I would, I’m on my phone too much, my son talks too much, gets away with too much . She came out at 3 am, and she said “you trashed the house when you came home,” as her first words to me because after two hours of sleep and a 13 hour shift, I accidentally fell asleep comforting my son at 8 PM who got scratched by our kitten, and I didn’t clean up the board games we had out or his snack plate on the table. I didn’t mean to fall asleep, and I woke up at 1 am and I was up working on it when she walked out, and the rest of the mess was from her boyfriend and my son, which she wouldn’t know because she was asleep when I got home. I said “it’ll be clean when you wake up, it was an accident, it’s late, can you please not scold me right now,” and she was so livid, slammed the fridge, went on about how she cleaned the house, and I know me suggesting she was scolding me is what set her off because she thinks it’s so rude to even insinuate that she’s rude, insulting, scolding, reprimanding, anything. But I was just exhausted and trying to be like please don’t because I didn’t have the bandwidth to feel guilty in that moment, and I should have just said sorry.

She always complains that she hates my house and my life and I’m like you don’t have to live here ?!! You had nowhere to go and I rearranged my whole life to help you and all you do is complain that you hate it, and it’s okay to not approve of my life, it’s okay to hate that I struggle with messes and routine, it’s okay to be upset you don’t have your own place, but goddamnit, I am doing everything I possibly can and I cannot do anymore, and to be made to feel like it’s not enough every day when I’m doing more then I have to is exhausting. I get yelled at by everyone - chase, my mom, my son, and I just can’t do it. I can’t be the bad guy every day. I’m so tired of not being enough for anyone, and I’m trying to do better, to be better, I really am, but I can only carry so much, and these expectations being placed on me feel unattainable, and I no longer understand how to differentiate between actually failing, actually being wrong, actually not doing enough versus being taken advantage of or being asked for too much, I don’t know. I know I’m trying. I know I’m tired. I know I don’t have time to read or write or watch things or play games or even sleep. I know I don’t have friends or alone time or time to myself. And if I’m constantly spending my energy on other people, even if I I’m bad at washing dishes or keeping up with laundry or stress googling every single intrusive thought, that’s gotta count for something right? But maybe not. I really can’t tell.

[romantic-reveries]

I know it’s only my first day back since my manager yelled at me, and I guess the discomfort will dissipate with time, but it was already getting that way before she yelled at me—listless. Like I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or what they want from me and it makes me want to do nothing. She just made it worse.

I feel like working with the public, you should have some sort of upbeat energy about you and I did, and now I don’t. Not here, anyway. I don’t want to have to greet customers. I would prefer they just make me strictly admin, because having a customer and not being able to help them or ask someone for help is awful. I LIKE helping and organizing. I could’ve been a great asset to them.

And we had someone come in earlier who apparently the son had already price quoted, but he came in asking for a price. It wasn’t until I priced it out that he was like “well, that’s not what he said”, so I let my manager take over, and he got the sale, despite the fact that he’d actually priced the wrong piece for them to begin with, and I was correct on my pricing, and instead of making a stink over it for her because it was expensive, he bought it.

It’s just stupid. She knows full-well that I’m the lowest paid person here. I will never, ever understand that kind of unfairness because I simply couldn’t abide by it, were I in some meagre position of power. Just let me have stuff sometimes, rules be damned. They hardly apply here anyway since they’re all family. You’re supposed to take ups in a certain rotation, and you can be sure that they don’t. Not that it matters—money for one of them is really money for them all.

And then my grandma asked if I wanted to work where she does. They just lost a new hire because she wants to work closer to her home, and it’d be $18-20 an hour. But she hates working there, so would it really be a better option? She’s gonna tell me about the position tonight and we’ll see, but the pay increase sure would be nice. I’m making $13 here, and even with commission, I haven’t gotten over the equivalent of $16 an hour because they won’t really let me sell or train me.

But then—I met my guy here. And I’ve kinda of liked us working for the same place. I planned on being here for at least a year. And I get that every place is going to have its own shit, so I don’t know. Maybe I’m better off staying. But the idea of that much of a pay increase is very tempting, because I really don’t see how I’ll ever have the opportunity to make that much here.