#I left out some categories because of possible spoilers

[mountainmagpie]

Every friend group should include:

[happy74827]

The Lesson of Reality

[Rick Grimes and Child!Reader]

Synopsis: You accidentally get a lot more “experience” than what Rick had planned.

WC: 3080

Category: Slight Angst, S6!Rick (no TOWL spoilers) {TW — Gore, Violence, Walkers, Blood, Death}

There’s so many fics about Daryl being a father figure that it’s about time that Rick had his Joel Miller moment (especially now that all the episodes of The Ones Who Live have aired). So have fun with this cute Protective!Rick moment.

『••✎••』

They say when times are tough, people can rise to the occasion and show their true colors. For some, it's an opportunity to prove they can survive the hardships and come out the other side stronger, wiser, and more experienced. Then there is the scum of the earth. They will take any opportunity to steal, kill, and hurt others while they try and make it out unscathed.

For Rick, he wanted you to be part of the former. He always saw your potential to become a fighter—a survivor. Hell, you made it this long by yourself, after all. You had to learn and adapt to the world.

And given your age, it was a hard thing to accomplish.

Your innocence didn't help, either. On one hand, he wanted to keep you as innocent and childlike as possible for as long as he could. The world was already a shit-show. The least you could do was still have the mentality of the child you were supposed to be. Being only ten years old, it was the right thing to do.

But then he remembers what the world was like now. If he let you live with that naivety, it'd get you killed. And it didn’t matter how intelligent you were because even if it saved your ass a few times, it won’t forever.

The fact of the matter is you were going to be hurt no matter what. And you had to be prepared for it.

He had already shown his own son, Carl, the harshness of the new world. He didn't want to do it, but the world left him no choice. And he couldn't deny the boy the means to defend himself and his family.

And even if you weren’t his kid, that didn’t mean he wouldn’t do the same for you.

He just needed the right time to teach you… to remind you that Alexandria isn’t the safest place on the planet.

The perfect time came when the Wolves attacked the group, and the gates were broken down.

After all the tragedy and loss, and Alexandria started to rebuild and strengthen their walls once again, Rick decided then was the time to toughen you up.

And thus, there you were, sitting on a tree stump as Rick stood in front of you, knife in hand, and Daryl beside him.

Eugene was also there, but he was standing to the side, watching with mild curiosity.

“You sure ‘bout this?” Daryl asked, looking from you to Rick, brows furrowed in concern. “It’s good takin' 'em outside the walls, but now? After everything that just happened, I mean? The people need yah right now, man. And the last thing we need is for the lil' squirt here to get hurt, too. Yer already lookin' rough as it is."

"I'll be fine, Daryl," Rick replied, his eyes not leaving yours. “Besides, I won’t be gone long. It’s just a quick look around. In and out, and then I'll be back. Two days, tops.”

Everyone around you seemed to be on edge, with the attack on the walls still fresh in their minds. But you?

Well, you were too busy staring at the shiny, shiny knife. Excitement shone in your eyes as your fingers twitched.

Truth be told, ever since Daryl and Aaron found you alone, wandering the woods and eating raw squirrel, and brought you to Alexandria, you felt as if something was missing.

You had never been the most social kid. You had the bare minimum amount of friends at school. None of them stuck around after you were pulled out of school. You had no close relatives that wanted you around. No father figure and the only motherly presence in your life was gone before you understood the new reality.

And while there were other kids in Alexandria, the older ones were already too busy trying to act like adults, and the younger ones were too immature. Sam, the kid that had once been closest to your age, was just a crybaby who didn’t know any better. He was scared of the dark and the idea of a walker. He never went outside the walls, so it was no wonder.

It was like living in a house full of strangers. They were all kind to you, but there was something missing.

But the Grimes family? Well, you couldn't help but feel more comfortable around them. Carl didn’t seem to like you, at least not at first, but ever since the “Wolves” attack and sudden loss of his eye, he was becoming nicer.

And then there was Rick. He was always kind, but after the incident, he became even kinder. More attentive and caring. Always checking on you, making sure you were safe and comfortable. Something about that night must've really changed him because he's been different since then.

And you liked it. You felt more comfortable around him. You didn’t know what it was. Maybe it was because he had saved you from a walker, or perhaps it was the way he talked to you, but you enjoyed his company.

You also loved destroying him in Gin Rummy. With the mix of his shocked expression and Michonne’s laughter, it was priceless.

Rick looked back at Daryl, who was still giving him a doubtful expression. But it wasn’t a no. So, Rick took it as a sign of agreement.

Daryl huffed and put a hand on his hip, shifting his weight to his right side. "Alright, alright. But if somethin' goes wrong, I won’t hesitate to tell ya I told ya so, yah hear me?”

Rick snorted. "Wouldn’t expect any less from you."

Daryl rolled his eyes and shook his head, a smirk on his lips. He gave you one more glance, and then he turned and left.

With that out of the way, Rick focused on the task at hand. That’s when Eugene made his presence known. He was the man with the map, so to speak.

He came over and laid the map of the area on the ground in front of you.

"I've marked the areas of the woods I believe would be best suited for your scavenging mission. However, should your route take a turn, there are several alternate routes to get back. There are also a few marked areas with potential food sources, water, and the possibility of tools or other survival necessities.

"Thank you, Eugene. I appreciate this," Rick said, putting a hand on the man's shoulder. Eugene smiled and nodded.

"You're welcome, sir. Now, if you'll excuse me, Rosita and I have an appointment at the gate to inspect and repair the damaged panels.” Eugene stood up and straightened his clothes, and then he was gone, heading back to the gate.

"Ready?" Rick asked. You looked up at him, smiling, and gave a nod. Soon, you were off into the rusty car that Daryl had brought from outside the walls.

You sat in the back seat, along with the bags semi-full of supplies and some extra weapons. Most of them belonged to Rick, however, so all you had was your old baseball cap.

And, of course, the old switchblade that Daryl gave you a while back.

For most of the scavenge trip, it was peaceful. The occasional walker showed up here and there, but for the most part, they were few and far between.

You found a lot of supplies. Food, medicine, clothes, and anything else you could think of. Rick also made sure to teach you how to pick locks, avoid traps, and a bunch of other skills.

But, of course, as things go, something has to go wrong.

A group of walkers, about twenty or so, showed up. It was no big deal. It was a lot, but nothing you couldn't handle.

You and Rick quickly got to work, taking them out one by one. You had gotten good with your knife, and with some pointers from Rick, you were practically a pro.

And then there was Rick, swinging his machete, stabbing and slashing his way through the herd. His face was a mix of focus and calm. It was impressive.

But the problem wasn’t the walkers. You were both doing fine. The problem was the aftermath. When the last walker fell to your feet, a gun rose and pointed at Rick's head.

And the guy holding the gun? Well, he looked like a psychopath. He had a smile that sent shivers down your spine, and it didn't help that the sun was starting to set.

"Hey there. Nice work taking out those rotters. But I'm going to have to ask you to hand over the bags and all the weapons you have. Oh, and I love that baseball cap. That'll be mine, too."

Well, Rick wanted you to toughen up. It seemed the universe had the same idea.

Somehow, you ended up behind Rick, shielded from the man and his gun. Your heart was pounding in your ears as the adrenaline kicked in. You didn't know what to do.

Rick didn't, either. Not when a group of armed men stepped out of the trees and aimed their guns at him. He didn't even have the time to reach for his machete.

Rick raised his hands, but his body was tense.

"Don't," was the only thing he said. His voice was stern, a growl hidden underneath. The man grinned and laughed.

"Oh, I'm gonna have fun with you," the man sneered.

Suddenly, all of them charged forward, grabbing the two of you. Your cap was taken, and Rick's machete was tossed away.

Despite the stronghold, Rick was able to kick and punch his way through his attackers. Even with the gun being pointed at him and the man pulling the trigger, he still managed to dodge the bullet and throw a few more punches.

The man growled, but the smile didn't leave his face.

"Feisty, aren't you? I love a challenge."

With a flick of his wrist, he knocked the butt of the gun against Rick's temple, sending him to the ground.

"Rick!" You yelled but were cut off when someone grabbed you by the hair and pulled, eliciting a scream from you.

"What a cutie," the man purred, grabbing you by the chin. You tried to pull away, but he held tight.

"How old are you, huh? Six? Seven? Eh, it doesn't matter. All kids are the same. Little shits who don't know their place."

You took that as a sign. You spat in his face. He didn't even flinch. In fact, the smile only widened. It pissed you off so much that you did the one thing that would definitely take a smile off his face.

You saw it done once, with a foot. A woman back in Alexandria seemed upset with a man, and she took her boot and kicked him right where you aimed your switchblade.

You weren't sure if it was a good idea, but it was the only thing you could think of.

So you did. And let me tell you, that was one of the few times you had ever heard someone scream so loud. He dropped you in an instant, unfortunately taking the knife with him.

“Son of a-!! You little-!!” Pain and anger laced the man's words as he clutched himself. You scrambled back, watching with wide eyes as he slowly recovered.

He didn’t dare try to crawl over to you, though. He didn’t trust his body to move.

Instead, he turned his attention to his side, where his small pistol had been tossed. He reached over and picked it up, pointing the barrel in your direction.

“I was gonna be nice… maybe have a little fun, but now?” He let out a painful chuckle. The smile was still there, but it was laced with anger. He groaned in pain, and his body shook.

Still, his hands remained steady.

"You little shit. I outta blow your head off. Let the rotters tear you apart, limb from limb. Would serve you right.”

Rick's heart stopped at that. The gun was aimed at you, and he was too far away. Even if he charged, he wouldn't make it in time.

There was no other option.

Just as the man squinted his eyes, about to pull the trigger, the sound of a gunshot rang through the air. It made the man jump and look around, right in time to see one of his men fall to the ground.

"What the-?"

You turned and saw Rick tussling with another man, the one holding a gun, who was fighting for control.

The man who had his gun pointed at you took the opportunity to shoot it again, but you were prepared enough to duck out of the way.

The bullet went into a tree, and by the time the next one fired, he was the last one standing.

And boy, was he pissed. The bullet once again missed his target, but only barely.

That was enough, though. Just enough to get Rick to kick the gun out of his hands before pressing his boot right where your pocket knife was still sticking out.

Rick had the advantage, and it was obvious, with the screams of agony coming from the man. He was on his knees, clutching his crotch, and Rick had a firm hand on the back of his head, ready to bash his skull into the ground if need be.

But he didn't. He had other plans.

He pulled out your knife, only to stick it right back into place and then some.

"Ah! You crazy bas-!! Fuck!!"

"You’re going to listen to me. Real good, you’ hear?” Rick’s voice was dark, and the man nodded frantically.

"Grab his gun and come over here."

You did as you were told, picking up the pistol and slowly walking over. The man whimpered, tears staining his cheeks as blood seeped through his pants.

"You're gonna stand there and keep your gun pointed at his head while I tie his hands together. If he even twitches, shoot him."

You gulped but nodded. You kept your arms out, hands as steady as you could make them.

“You sick, twisted, fuckin' asshole. I'll fucking kill you!" The man snarled, his teeth gritting and his face contorted in pain.

"That's cute," Rick said. He was quick to tie the man's wrists together. Rick was just as quick to grab him and force him on his feet before kicking the back of his knees and sending him sprawling on the ground.

"Stay," Rick commanded him like a dog, and you couldn't help but smile a little at the man's pained, angry expression.

Rick quickly gathered the supplies and the bag, and then he was over to you, giving you a once-over.

"You hurt? Bleeding? Anything broken?"

"N-No, I'm okay," you replied, voice wavering a bit.

"Good," he breathed out, and you noticed he was shaking a bit, too. Not enough to notice at first glance, but enough to know that he was trying his hardest not to.

He took the gun from your hands gingerly, and then he was kneeling before the man.

"Who are you?"

The man was silent. Rick didn't wait long before aiming the gun at the man's right thigh.

"Let me rephrase that. Who are you? What's your name?"

"Fuck y—”

Rick shot the man in the thigh without any hesitation. The scream of pain made you jump.

"Try again. Who are you?"

"Aah!! Fuck!! I-I'm Dave, okay? My name's Dave!"

"Okay, Dave. Good. Now, why did you attack us? And don't think I'm above shooting you again, or worse, so be honest. I can tell when someone's lying to me."

"We were just passing through! Saw you and thought, 'Hey, easy pickings!' Didn't expect you to be the goddamn terminator!"

"Passing through to where?"

Silence. Rick sighed and shook his head, but before he could fire another shot, Dave finally caved.

"Back to c-camp. Please, we have family. Wives, children… We meant nothin' by it! We swear! We just-! We were hungry. We were starving! Please, have mercy!"

"Children? Like the one you just threatened to shoot in the head?" Rick growled. Dave flinched.

"N-no, I-"

“Where are they? Down that stream? I saw your tracks earlier. That was you, wasn’t it?"

Dave's silence spoke volumes. Rick looked back at you, and you were staring at the man, wide-eyed and fearful, not of him specifically, but of what Rick could do to him.

Rick took a deep breath and then turned back to Dave.

"How many are there?"

"T-Ten. Maybe eleven."

"Are they armed?"

"J-Just with knives and stuff."

"You got anything else? Any other guns or ammo?"

"N-No. Please, just let us go! We won't bother you again! Just don't hurt me."

Rick looked back at you again. Your eyes were still locked on the man, but you could feel his gaze. You looked up at him.

"With that stunt, you just pulled,” Rick stood up, his eyes still aligned with yours, but he wasn’t speaking to you. He was addressing Dave.

"I can’t take that chance.”

Then the bullet fired, and soon it was just you and Rick with a bunch of corpses.

He quickly holstered the gun and rushed to bags left on the ground.

"What about his family?” Your voice was shaken. You had never seen someone shot like that, point blank.

Rick sighed, pausing in his movements.

"They don’t exist.” Rick stood and turned, looking you in the eye. “I know people like him. If he had a family, they're already dead, or he killed them himself.”

You didn’t break eye contact, “and if you’re wrong? What then?"

Rick didn’t even blink. "Then I saved them a lot of suffering."

Rick didn't like doing this, killing people, taking life. He hated it, really.

But he would be damned if anyone ever laid a hand on his family or his people. Even if it meant getting a little bloody.

You had to turn away from him, from the intensity of his stare.

Rick sighed and walked over to you, placing a hand on your shoulder.

"You did good back there. Really good. The world it’s… It ain't kind to people. And even though I hope it never happens, you have to be prepared for anything. For anyone."

Rick squeezed your shoulder, and his voice was gentle.

"And, for what it's worth, I'm proud of you."

[writer-in-theory]

you're gonna go far, love — spencer reid.

“I’ve been ready for you to come home for so long that I didn’t think to ask you where you’d gone.” —Noah Kahan (Orange Juice)

Summary: After Spencer relapses, he takes the first flight out of Virginia with no plan other than to get a fresh start. Or, my take on where he was for Evolution. Pairing: Spencer Reid x Gn!Reader (not the focus, but it's there) Category: Hurt/Comfort WC: 2k Content Warnings: Discussions of relapse, Mentions of alcohol, Slight spoiler for the ending of Evolution S1 (despite the fact I still haven't finished it myself) Notes: This is for the New Beginnings challenge hosted by @imagining-in-the-margins and based on a prompt from @foxy-eva , so thank you so much to you lovely people. This fic comes 2 years after my last CM fic, and a few months since I've written anything at all, so thank you for the inspiration 💜

Spencer booked the first flight out of Virginia five days after it happened. 

The person at the counter may have said the destination, but it floated straight past his ears and was carried far away. Within hours, everything he’d spent the past two decades building was left thirty thousand feet below him. 

Emily would be hurt. Everyone would be, as each of them heard the news as they one-by-one came into the office tomorrow. But it would be Emily, who was the first to notice the cracks in his once carefully crafted facade all those years ago, who would feel the most betrayed by his sudden escape. 

You should’ve at least said goodbye.

It was what Spencer had been most upset by when Emily had faked her death. After everything they’d been through together, after all of the joy they brought into each others’ incredibly stressful lives, all Spencer had needed was the chance to say goodbye and know that she was out there, somewhere, happy. 

Hopefully, she’d understand why he had to leave now, though. 

Everyone in the BAU had figured out by now that the Spencer Reid who walked out of prison was not the same as the one who’d first stepped into it. Some piece of him—and even now, he wasn’t sure how large that piece was—had been laid bare and morphed beyond even his own recognition. The loss of that part of him ached in the way that losing a loved one did, that sharp stabbing sort of ache that would appear so suddenly that he didn’t know how to handle it. 

There was no way to explain it to the rest of the team, though, no matter how supportive they tried to be. The fact was that none of them had ever nor would ever go through what he exactly had, and for not the first time in his life, Spencer began to feel like a rip current was sweeping him away from the steadiness of shore. 

It wasn’t until he was far enough away from shore that he couldn’t see the relief of the sands that his mind recalled that he’d been prescribed painkillers several months prior. 

It wasn’t the same as what Tobias Hankel had given him so many years ago, nor was it the alternatives he’d managed to find in the months after, but it was devastatingly similar enough that he’d tried to convince the emergency room doctor not to order it in the first place. ‘Pick it up anyway, just in case. No one can recover from a gunshot wound without pain relief.’ 

He’d almost flushed the amber bottle’s contents the day he’d gotten them, but the bone-deep feeling that had eased with time but never truly gone away kept him from fully eliminating that option from his life. Why should one thing that had happened to him years ago deny him proper pain relief now, should he need it? So they’d sat untouched, locked away in his gun safe for months. 

Until five days ago.

After well over a decade in recovery, Spencer knew this was always a possibility. He’d seen friends go through the same thing and had been there to support them in whatever ways he could because no matter how many times it happened the initial feelings of shock, shame, and overbearing grief could be just as overwhelming as the first. 

A day after, when he’d woken up and realized just what had occurred, Spencer had walked himself to the nearest NA meeting. Like he was on auto-pilot, he moved through every piece of advice he had gathered through the years—the stories of success and the stories of forced learning serving as guides to him. It wasn’t the first time Spencer had relapsed (a word that still struck fear in him to even think about), nor would it likely be the last time he was forced to confront this part of his past. 

Still, this was the first time Spencer walked out of the building, packed a bag, and made a silent escape from the city he called home. There was something different about this time, though he had no idea where to even begin considering the specifics of why.

He ended up in Cincinnati, Ohio.

In all the years he’d been with the BAU, they’d never once been called there. It was like every other city Spencer had been in in many ways—the buildings towering above him as he walked, the river that bordered the city mirroring the home he’d just left, even down to the FBI headquarters that was quiet now in the middle of the night. Still, he couldn’t help but feel as though it were completely separate from everything he’d known before, because the melancholy Spencer had been sitting in for the last five days had suddenly turned comforting amongst the atmosphere of the city.

He ended up in a bar, of all places. It was the kind that only served nonalcoholic drinks, the kind of place where people like him could sit without feeling outside of the norm. Music was playing softly in the background, and though it was busy there was only a gentle rumble of conversation in the room.

“You’re staring at that glass like it’ll kill you. It’s safe, Scout’s honor.” The teasing voice surprised Spencer out of the careful contemplation he’d fallen into. It came from the bartender, who was busying themselves with wiping down a few glasses, stood just on the other side of the bar in front of him.

“You know, that only works if you were actually a scout,” Spencer returned, though raised the glass to his lips after. It was sweet—a little too sweet by his standards, though it was a comfort now after the week he’d had.

“I won’t tell if you don’t,” the bartender said back. They looked comfortable here, like this sober bar were an extension of their own home. At one time, the BAU office had been the same for him. “You look like you could use a friendly face, and that just happens to be my favorite part of the job.”

“Part of the job…?”

“Oh you know, bartenders are the therapists for the lonely, or something like that.” They were comfortable, and more open to an effective stranger than Spencer ever thought possible. It was refreshing in a way, to be able to talk with them without having to worry about what case information he could get out of them. It wasn’t often, anymore, that he could relax and talk to someone just to talk to them. “What brings you to the Queen City?”

“I moved here,” Spencer answered automatically, looking down sheepishly at his glass before adding, “today, actually.”

“Oh, congrats then. New job?”

“More like a new start.”

It was quiet for only a moment before the bartender asked in a softer voice, “How long had it been?”

Spencer almost asked them what they meant, until he met their gaze. They had their full attention on him now, glasses left abandoned on the inner part of the bar. They’d been kind from the start, but the look they gave him now was the sort of pure understanding that made Spencer realize all at once what they were referring to.

“How did you know?”

The bartender sighed, though there was no sadness to it at all. They pulled something from their pocket, sliding it gently across the bar so Spencer could see. A metallic chip was place between them, silver on the outside and filled in with a green-blue color and a “V” engraved in the middle of it. It was different from the ones he’d used, but he recognized the meaning of it all the same. 

“I opened this place because the day I relapsed, five years ago now, I’d had nowhere to go after. There wasn’t anywhere people like us could go and relax without having to answer the tough questions, like why I drank orange juice instead of ‘what all the other adults were drinking’. It seemed silly at the time, but I think I was just looking for somewhere I could feel normal.”

“My family were the ones who helped me get sober, and sometimes they still forget and will ask me why I’m not drinking.” Spencer returned the sentiment with a light laugh. He loved everyone in the BAU, and even though it had only been a few days he already missed them terribly, but it was nice to have someone there who understood what he was feeling, what he was going through now.

“Exactly!” The bartender said, following Spencer’s lead and letting out a laugh of their own. “Though I can’t say I ever moved to a new city because of it.”

“It was the most impulsive thing I’ve ever done,” Spencer admitted. “I…really needed a fresh start. I needed somewhere noone knew who I was, somewhere I could get a completely different job and…I don’t know, figure out who I am.”

The bartender nodded. “Sounds about right. This family you left behind, are you gonna go back to them?”

“Eventually. We’ve worked together for so many years. I spent more time with them than I’ve actually ever spent alone, and I think I just need…”

“Something new,” the bartender finished, “I’m starting to catch on. What d’you think you’ll do?”

“I’ve always loved teaching. Maybe that?”

“You know, I have some friends who work at UC. Depending on what you wanted to teach, I could see if they could get you an interview.”

“Just like that?” Spencer asked, wondering only briefly if there was going to be a catch somewhere down the line.

The bartender shrugged. “Why not? I never up and moved cities, but I’m no stranger to new beginnings.”

“I wouldn’t recommend moving cities without thinking it through,” Spencer laughed then. “I have no plan for what comes next.”

“Do you have somewhere to stay, at least?”

Spencer only winced, which he was sure was answer enough for them. He was expecting some kind of sympathetic response, but he never expected the bartender to shrug again and say, “Well, how about I be a little impulsive too. I’ve been looking for a new roommate, why don���t you stay tonight and see how it goes?”

“Really?”

“Yeah, sure. You seem decent enough not to be some secret axe-murderer or something.”

Oh, the irony. 

Spencer didn’t really know this person except for the limited conversation they’d had so far. It would’ve been safer, and probably smarter, for him to just find a hotel room for the night and come up with a plan later. But something was telling him that he should agree, that there was something more to this person that he wanted to get to know. 

So not for the first time that day, Spencer trusted his gut and nodded. “Okay, let’s try it.”

It wasn’t a fix for everything. The changes would come slowly, so slowly that sometimes Spencer himself wouldn’t even notice them happening. It would take time to get to a place where Spencer felt okay again, and a large help in that ended up being his new roommate who seemed to just get him in more ways than one. As time went by, Cincinnati truly began to feel like home. 

And two years after he’d left, when Spencer turned on the news and saw the BAU standing before a large crowd as they announced they’d finally caught the serial killer behind the shipping container murders, he finally felt the string tugging him back in the direction of Quantico.

His home was there in Cincinnati, with the person who’d become a friend and even more in the last two years and the professor job that he came to love, but Spencer knew—beyond a shadow of a doubt—that it was time to see his family again, too. 

[munson-blurbs]

Hello! Could I possibly request something with a lovesick Eddie trying to win over the reader? He’s watched and studied rom-coms with Dustin to get his plan in action doing the basics of walking her to class, carrying her books, complimenting her, etc. but it typically ends with him inadvertently embarrassing himself. Super fluffy ending though!

This is adorable and I loved writing it <3

Warnings: angst-to-fluff, some language, spoilers for 80s movies

WC: 2.4k

Divider credit: @firefly-graphics

“You coming to Hellfire today?” Eddie asks you, munching on a pretzel. You weren’t an official member, but you like sitting in and watching campaigns, sometimes secretly helping the freshmen defeat their sadistic Dungeon Master.

You shake your head. “Sorry, Eds,” you shrug apologetically, “Robin, Nancy, and I are gonna catch a movie.”

His eyes widen and he grins excitedly. “Oh, shit! Which one? Eliminators?”

The prospect of the three of you watching an over-the-top sci-fi movie–without Eddie or Dustin nagging you–sends you into a fit of laughter. “Uh, no,” you manage between giggles. “We’re seeing Pretty in Pink.”

Eddie wrinkles his nose. “Isn’t that, like, a chick flick?”

“Yes, and we are chicks,” you say slowly, enunciating each word like it’s a novel concept for him. “Why, did you wanna join?”

Eddie would watch paint dry if it meant spending time with you, but he doesn’t say that. Instead, he rolls his eyes. “Not a chance,” he scoffs. “You girls enjoy your Molly Ringworm.”

“It’s Ringwald, dingus,” you retort, borrowing Robin’s favorite insult for the occasion. “And we will. It’s nice to pretend that guys can actually care about a girl beyond getting in her pants.”

He’s about to ask you if you lump him into that category when Dustin, Lucas, and Mike plop their trays onto the table. They’re chatting excitedly about the upcoming campaign, a conversation Eddie usually never shuts up about, but the older boy is uncharacteristically quiet.

“Hey, Y/N,” Nancy taps you on the shoulder with a smile. “Robs and I were just about to finalize our plans for tonight, if you wanna sit with us.”

You nod enthusiastically, eager to leave the table now that the topic has switched to which cheerleaders are the easiest. “See you perverts on Monday!” you call out behind you, walking side by side with Nancy.

“Hey, sheep,” Eddie interrupts their riveting conversation suddenly. “Do I give off ‘douchebag’ vibes? Like, ‘only being nice to chicks for sex’ vibes?”

“If you are, it’s not working very well,” Mike snorts, only to have a pretzel lobbed at his head. 

Dustin, however, is more perceptive to Eddie’s concerns. “Did something happen with Y/N?” he asks, glancing over at you.

“Don’t stare at her!” Eddie hisses, pressing his fingers over his eyes in exasperation. How do these two have girlfriends and I don’t? he wonders silently. “She mentioned something about liking chick flicks because that’s the only time guys treat girls nicely without trying to sleep with them.”

“Okay, and…?” Mike responds, earning him another pretzel to the head. This one lands in his mop of hair. 

“And, what if she thinks that’s the only reason I’m nice to her?”

“To be fair,” Lucas pipes up between bites of pizza, “you do wanna sleep with her.” He quickly joins Mike as one of Eddie’s snack throwing targets. “Dude, you’re not gonna have any pretzels left if you keep chucking them at us!”

“Can someone just answer my question?” Eddie growls, standing up and pacing around the table. “Because if I’m gonna ask her out–”

“Not gonna happen,” Dustin mumbles under his breath. Eddie glares at him. “What? You’ve been saying that you’re gonna ask her out for ages now, but you never do!”

“Well, now I’m not, if she thinks I’m just some creep,” the metalhead grumbles. “I’d have to be one of those corny idiots from those movies for her to take me seriously.”

Dustin slams his hands on the table, startling everyone. “So be one of those corny idiots!” he exclaims. “Do you think I wanna sing The Neverending Story every time I talk to Suzie? No, I do not. But I do it because it makes her feel special and loved.”

“How would I even do that?” Eddie throws his hands up in frustration. “I’ve never watched any of those dumb movies.”

Dustin’s grin spans his entire face. “Oh, don’t you worry, my friend,” he says. “I’ve got a secret weapon.”

Turns out, Dustin’s secret weapon is Steve Harrington. More specifically, using him to check out as many romantic comedies as the boy can carry, completely ignoring the three movie maximum policy.

“Okay,” Dustin begins, pushing his way into Eddie’s trailer. “We’ve got The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Footloose, Terms of Endearment, and Y/N’s favorite, Grease.” He plops the video cassettes onto the table with a thwack.

“Jesus Christ.” Eddie buries his head in his hands. “What did I get myself into?”

“You can thank me later when you finally have a girlfriend,” Dustin retorts, ignoring his friend’s mild irritation. “Now, where should we start?”

By Monday morning, Eddie’s brain is buzzing with ideas to be the perfect rom-com boyfriend. He waits for you at your locker before first period, leaning up against it as you approach.

“How was your movie night with the girls?” He remembers Dustin’s advice to ask you questions about yourself, rather than launching into another story about his DnD campaigns.

“Good…” You eye him suspiciously. “Is there a reason why you’re blocking me from opening my locker?”

“Oh, shit, sorry,” he sputters, jumping back and smacking into another student passing by. “Son of a–”

You grab your math textbook from the top shelf, rolling your eyes at his antics. “Well, nice talking to you.” You’re not sure what’s gotten into him, but it’s weirding you out.

“Wait!” he calls out, and you turn back around slowly.

“What is it?” you ask crossly, “I’m gonna be late for class.”

Eddie rubs the nape of his neck with his palm, unable to make eye contact with you. “Jus’ wanted to say that you’re pretty…” When you don’t reply within a nanosecond, he starts stumbling over his words. “Pretty nice, and stuff. No, just pretty. You’re pretty. N-not that you’re not nice, b’cause you are; you’re, like, really nice. But you’re also pretty. So, yeah. You’re pretty.”

Your brows furrow in confusion. “Are you okay?” What you really want to ask is, is this some kind of prank?

Eddie nods, fidgeting with the frayed edges of his denim jacket. “Y-yeah, I’m okay. Are you, uh, okay?”

“Mhmmm,” you stretch out your response, backing away. “I’m gonna head to math before I get detention.”

What the hell was that? You wonder incredulously. The only time you’ve ever witnessed him being so tongue-tied was when he was paired with Chrissy Cunningham on a science project. But he was hopelessly in love with her; you were just his best friend. You’d have to ask one of the Hellfire freshmen what was going on. Maybe they’d have some insight.

You don’t get a chance to talk to Dustin, Mike, or Lucas before Eddie’s trying out his next move. He’s at your locker again between third and fourth period, desperate to redeem himself after his flustered performance this morning.

“Lemme walk you to class,” he blurts out. 

“Eddie,” you laugh, “we have the same class now. You’d know this if you bothered to show up.”

“Oh. Right.” Actually, he has been showing up, partially because of his determination to graduate, but mostly because you’re there. “Then, can I carry your books for you?” He reaches for your composition book and pencil case before you have the chance to answer, and you pull away from him.

“Are you gonna throw my stuff in the trash or something?” You warily cock your eyebrow. 

“No!” He seems genuinely confused and slightly offended at your assumption. “Why would I do that?”

“I dunno,” you shrug. “Why else would you do nice things for me?”

Eddie crosses his arms over his chest. “So that’s what you think of me, huh?” His eyes mist over, so angry that he’s about to cry. “Just another dumb guy who’s either trying to fuck you or fuck you over?”

“What are you talk—“ you start, but he cuts you off. 

“Forget it,” he mutters under his breath, walking in the opposite direction. “Told Henderson this was a stupid idea.”

“Where are you going?” you call after him. “Class is the other way.”

“‘M ditching!” Eddie retorts, pulling out a cigarette and lighting in before he even reaches the doors. 

You’re sitting in your room, highlighting and writing in the margins of the tattered copy of The Grapes of Wrath you’ve been assigned for English class. You can barely concentrate, though; your mind is consumed with thoughts of Eddie’s string of bizarre behavior. 

The compliments, offering to walk you to class, trying to carry your books—what was that all about? 

You vaguely remember him mentioning something about Dustin; the two of them were thick as thieves and basically attached at the hip. Eddie was the older brother Dustin never had. If anyone knows what was going on with him, it’s Dustin Henderson. 

“Hello?” Dustin’s bored voice comes through the receiver, probably expecting the call to be for his mom. 

“Hey, Dustin. It’s Y/N,” you begin nervously. “Do you have a sec to talk about Eddie?”

“Um, yeah,” he replies, caution evident in his tone. “He seemed really upset at lunch today. Did something happen?”

You exhale, a bitter laugh escaping your chest. “That’s what I was calling about. He was being super weird this morning, and then he got mad at me, like, out of nowhere.”

“Weird…how?”

Starting at the beginning, you recall everything that occurred, emphasizing the babbling that was supposed to constitute a compliment and his explosion when you didn’t let him hold your books. “He’s always playing little jokes on me; what was I supposed to think?” you finish. 

“Aw, shit,” Dustin muses. “Okay, I wasn’t supposed to say anything, but—“

“Please,” you beg him, “I just need to know what I did wrong.”

“No, it’s not something you did—well, maybe, kinda—but not on purpose,” he explains. “On Friday, when you told him about seeing Pretty in Pink, did you say something about guys in chick flicks being better than actual guys because they want more than just sex?”

“Yeah…” you say, confused. “What does this have to do with Eddie?”

“I’m getting to that part, jeez!” Dustin quips, and you roll your eyes at his attitude. “Well, when you said that, Eddie got all worried that you felt that way about him.”

“Of course I don’t!” you reply incredulously. “He’s…he’s Eddie! I know he would never use me for sex.”

Dustin presses on. “He didn’t realize that. So we watched those stupid movies all weekend, just so he could learn how you want a guy to show interest in you.”

Oh. Oh. 

“Because Eddie…” you trail off, your mouth going dry. 

“Yeah, the dude’s, like, in love with you.” Dustin spells it out. “He tries to act like nothing bothers him, but he really cares about what you think of him.”

“Shit,” you murmur. “I mean, thanks, Dustin. I’m gonna go fix this.”

“Any time,” he replies, then quickly adds, “don’t tell him I told you, or he’ll give me wedgies for the rest of my life!”

You knock on the Munson trailer door. Wayne’s already left for his night shift at the plant, and you hear the sounds of Eddie’s guitar, so you know he’s home. 

“Who is it?” he calls from his room, still strumming. 

“It’s me,” you answer, hoping he’ll let you in. “And I come bearing gifts.”

The guitar playing stops, and you breathe a sigh of relief when his heavy footsteps come closer. 

“‘S not my birthday,” he narrows his eyes at the treat in your hand. 

“I know. I wanted to recreate the ending scene in Sixteen Candles where Jake Ryan goes over to Sam’s house, but a whole cake was too expensive.” You smile warmly at him. “I hope a cupcake will suffice.”

Eddie returns your grin, leaning against the doorframe. “Depends. What flavor is it?”

“Chocolate cake, chocolate frosting.” It’s his favorite; the man has a mean sweet tooth. “Eddie, I’m sorry that I accused you of having some sort of ulterior motive for being nice to me. But when I said that stuff on Friday—about guys using girls—I wasn’t talking about you,” you tell him. “I was thinking about the Jason Carvers of the world, not the Eddie Munsons.”

He takes a big bite of cupcake. “Apology accepted,” he says, mouth still full. He swallows before speaking again. “How did you know that’s why I was upset?”

“Psychic powers,” you tease. “And a certain meddling, curly-haired nerd who just wants you to be happy.”

“Dammit, Henderson!” Eddie groans. “Little shit can never keep a secret—“

You interrupt him, pressing your lips to his chocolate-covered ones. The kiss doesn’t last long because the two of you can’t stop smiling. 

“That’s for calling me pretty,” you tell him. “At least, I think that’s what you said; you kinda rambled on there for awhile.”

Now it’s Eddie’s turn to cut you off. “Then let me make it clear,” he says softly, running his thumb over your jawline. “Pretty, pretty, pretty. Prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.” He places a kiss on your forehead, and you feel yourself melt. 

“No more trying to be some corny movie character,” you instruct him, wrapping your arms around his waist. “I like you just as you are, Eddie Munson.”

He laughs. “Got it, boss.” He twitches his nose. “Actually, there’s one more thing I wanted to do.” When you look at him quizzically, he continues. “You know that part in The Breakfast Club, where Bender gives Claire his earring?”

“Yeah?”

“Well,” Eddie says shyly, “I don’t have an earring, but I do have this.”  He pulls his thin black ring off of his finger and holds it up. “Prob’ly be too big on you, but maybe you could wear it on a chain? And you could be my girlfriend, if you want?”

You press on your tiptoes, pecking another kiss on his lips. “Yes, Eds. To both questions.” 

He throws his fist in the air á la Judd Nelson as he kisses you back, making you cackle with laughter. 

“I can’t believe you actually watched that movie,” you tease. 

He shakes his head, as though he can’t believe it himself. “‘S all right,” he says. “You can make it up to me by seeing Eliminators on our first date.”

“Oh, absolutely not.”

~

[marvel-starwarsfangirl]

Bad Batch Chopping Block

(some spoilers, tread carefully)

Alright, the safety net is gone. Even though Pabu still stands, it will never be safe for Omega or the boys anymore. The Empire has truly closed them in from every direction. So, who's gonna make it out of this season? Just to get this out of the way, Tech is either dead or comes back. The Tech Debate is too big to tackle here.

Definitely dead:

Echo- I think he's 100% a goner. Aside from being a strong mentor figure to Omega, Echo is gonna be a martyr for his cause. He believes so strongly in his fight for clone justice and he will follow it to the grave. I can definitely see him going out in a blaze of glory while Rex watches hopelessly. Plus, Echo dying might be the reason for Rex to retire and turn to Joopa farm. Echo is the last true connection he has to his old life and the 501st. Echo also gave Omega a new weapon which doesn't bode well for him. A gift he gave her is something she can remember him by.

Most likely dead:

Hunter- I do have some hope for him. There is a chance that writers don't kill him off because they want to finish the show with all the boys together. But sadly, that is unlikely. Hunter is the mentor figure and the first real paternal figure to Omega. As the oldest of the Batch (minus Echo), he has a responsibility to watch over them. In season 3, we see Crosshair slowly learning to take over as Omega's parental figure. It's possible that Hunter will die, as many mentor figures have before him, and Cross will carry the torch. I can definitely see that happening. Hunter dies protecting Omega and Crosshair is left to pick up the pieces

Wrecker- sweet Wrecker is too dang lovable. Unlike the others, he doesn't fit as neatly into a trope category like Crosshair and Hunter. Therefore, he could honestly survive because of that. However, I definitely think he could go out in a blaze of glory as well, something akin to Hevy or Hardcase. Imagine Wrecker getting caught in an explosion as he stays behind to save his brothers and Omega? But at the same time, I don't want it to happen.

50/50 (but most likely fine):

Crosshair- I honestly think he might make it out this season mostly in one piece. The only trope he fits right now is redemption equals death and honestly, I think we're past that point. Crosshair already began his redemption arc. He saved Omega, reconciled with his brothers, reconciled with Howzer, admitted his wrongs, and genuinely wants to be a better person. He doesn't need to prove to his family that he loves them or has changed because we see that. His brothers see that. Even his new poster shows him looking at his helmet. He has found the light. It's possible this show ends with him leaving his old life to retire with Omega. He could still die protecting her, but I'm starting to think otherwise.

Crosshair has suffered so much since this show started. I made a list, but we could be here all day talking about it. I feel like it would be overkill (literally) to just kill him off after he's come so far. Also, the fact that he is getting the Dad Batch ™ treatment means that they could be propping him up to take over the role from Hunter. That or they're speed-running Crosshair's dad mode activation because he was MIA for two seasons. Honestly, I think Crosshair narrative wise is mostly safe because his redemption arc is playing out right now instead of later down the line. His arc right now is mostly about coming to terms with himself, his trauma, and his identity as a sharpshooter and soldier. I really think that this show will end with him hanging up the helmet and raising Omega.

Fine:

Omega- let's be honest, they're not gonna kill off our sweet bean. She was been our focal character since the beginning and I can't see the writers going this dark. She's safe!

Alternatively: the Batch all live plus or minus one of them. The final episode could be all of them charging in together for one final fight. They make it out (mostly) and retire with Omega. Boom, the end.

[verosvault]

🚨SPOILERS FOR FANTASY HIGH JUNIOR YEAR EPISODE 6🚨

Dimension20 "Fantasy High Junior Year"

Episode 6 "Party Politics"

Timestamp: 00:15:49

Video Length: 4min. & 58sec.

The Bad Kids meet Buddy Dawn (Pt. 1 | ‣Pt. 2)

Buddy says that's not how being a "chosen one" works. 🥲🥲🥲

When Kristen left the church, they lost their chosen one. 🥲🥲🥲🥲

Buddy asks how things are working out with Kristen's new god though 😭✋

Adaine and Fabian lie and say that things are going so great with Kristen and her new god! 😭😭✋✋ Fully backing her up as they should! 😭✋👏❤️🫶👌

Fabian mentions Craig! 😂🤣💀

Adaine says that Helio chose Kristen but Kristen chose Cassandra! 😭✋

Kristen is invisibly crying 😭✋

Buddy asks if Kristen is around somewhere other than right in front of him! 😭 *Points to Fig disguised as Kristen* 😭✋

Fig forgot they were there! 😭✋

Fig disguised as Kristen wants to go do another shrimp jump! 😂🤣💀

Buddy: "It can't possibly be as good as the first!" 😭✋

Buddy tries to rile up everyone that they're about to see another shrimp jump! 😭✋

Fabian says to rack 'em up! 😭✋

Fig asks the Hangman to destroy the ramp and he does it in Hellhound form! 😭✋

Buddy calls the Hangman Hellhound "A servant of the devil"! 😂😂💀💀

Gorgug says it smells good from the inside because of all of that butter!! 😂😂🤣🤣💀💀😭😭

Fabian and Riz wonder where Buddy's friends are at....his adventuring party.

Buddy says that Kipperlilly is so bright and that she's a blessing and a gift! 😭✋

Buddy says that Ruben is very talented.

Adaine asks Buddy what his thoughts are on Ruben's song 😂🤣💀

Kristen does an insight check on his positivity and wants to know if it's authentic 😭✋

Brennan: "I think you recognize it from growing up in the church and growing up amongst the Harvestman. On first glance, the fact that Buddy is here fraternizing, unless there's some secret nefarious reason that he's here to do this, right, would put him in a different category from the Harvestman or Coach Daybreak, right? Coach Daybreak would not be able to be here and not be aggressive and hostile to people, right? But it doesn't mean that all of Buddy's positivity is sincere. I think you would read it in a more nuanced way. Buddy's positivity is partially coming from a genuine place. That genuine place is deeply judgemental, but maybe some part of him wants what's best for other people, but that wanting what's best for other people, is cloaked in a really myopic sort of Manichaean worldview. So it's the mix of- it's all the good and bad stuff that you would-

Ally: It's extremely recognizable

Brennan: "Extremely recognizable"

Brennan: "I don't think Kristen would clock it as positive, but that doesn't mean it's not genuine, right? It has all the problems you associate..."

Brennan: "You WERE this kid, so it's like, whatever you didn't like about your old self you feel like, oh, it's present in this kid who's also drinking water out of a beer can, and is here being like, 'I genuinely love everyone at this party, and I wanna keep you from doing the choices that are wrong that you're making. You know, that vibe, right?"

Adaine asks Buddy why he joined the rat grinders

Adaine and Fig asked if he replaced somebody and Buddy said that he got requested specifically by them. 🥲

Riz asks him if something happened to somebody on their team. 🥲

Riz asks if he knows if the rat grinders had any former members.

[maplebitts]

With hazbin hotel going on a hatius for a while I figured I’d come up with a list of things I (personally ) hope to see in season two so uhh here’s what I have so far:

//POSSIBLE SPOILER WARNING FOR SEASON ONE OF HAZBIN HOTEL //

-some Emily and sir pentious moments (like just showing him around heaven and stuff like that) I feel like they would have a funny yet wholesome dynamic

- rivalry between Lucifer and Aalastor, Dosent even need to be the main focus of the episode just in the background or like a side plot, there quite literally canonically on the two sides of the new hotel it’s giving serious divorced dads vibes

- some backstories I think it be cool at least for the main cast I’m curious to learn more on how they died and such I think it’s been confirmed that were gonna see more on sir pentious and how he died so we have that going but out of the main cast I’m hoping we can learn more about nifty past since not a lot on how she died is known (also Lucifer I’m aware we got one at the beginning but I’m still curious about the silly guys past)

- possibly eve (or rue) showing up ? I’m curious on what happened to eve I think most people assume she’s in hell I’d be perfectly fine if eve ended up being  an antagonist

- some family episode, what I mean by that is like seeing the family members of some of the main cast like angel dust either his twin who is in heaven apparently or his other family members, or Lucifer and the other arch angels (would they be considered family?)

- not sure if this is still a possibility but Emily becoming a fallen angel it could still be in realm of possibility if there’s still argument within heaven and sinners being redeemed OR Emily making the decision to go down and speak to Lucifer probably having to go to Lucifer for help regarding the redemption of sinners or some big heaven issue idk it’s 1 am currently

-just Lucifer screen time in general ( can’t get enough of this silly guy he’s my favorite character what do you expect)

-Lilith finally coming down from her beach vacation and just randomly showing up at the hotel and Charlie and lucifer just being surprised and her acting like it never happened personally I hope some angst comes from this like she literally just abandoned her daughter and her husband some kind of non positive reaction has to come from them? Also the reason why she left (I’ll probably make a separate post regarding this more I have to many theories under this category) I also have a small unfortunate feeling that poor Lucifer is going to be forced to pick between his daughter or his wife because if Lilith really intends to put a stop the hotel this feels very possible

This is all I have at the moment might add more later <3 also your more then welcome to share your own thoughts and theories in the replies or reblogs sorry if this was a lot

[mysterious-moonstruck-musings]

Deconstructing Dieter Bravo: Part 2

If you haven't read chapter 25 of Destiny & Deliverance, do so before continuing with this post to avoid spoilers. 😉

Now that the story is starting to dive into what is going on with our dear Dieter, I felt it was time for Part 2 of the Deconstructing Dieter Bravo series to discuss the topic of psychiatric medication.

Just to be clear, this is not a post for or against the use of such medications. I want to put that out there before we get started. It is also a very high-level overview.

Most individuals that do not have experience with mental health struggles (weather that be personally or via someone close to them) do not realize the affects that psychiatric medications can have on the patient and further complications that they can cause during treatment, which is why I feel it is important to share some of this information.

While psychiatric medications are meant to help manage symptoms, they can also make things a hell of a lot worse. In many cases, the first medication isn't the correct medication or the correct dosage. There is a lot of trial and error involved in the process because everyone's body chemistry is different. Which means the patient is often left dealing with side effects that can range from minor to severe. Figuring out the correct medication and dosage for an individual can be a long and unpleasant process, which is why many give up on the use of medication all together.

There are six main categories of mental health medication: antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, depressants, anxiolytics, and stimulants. Each category is used to treat different types of disorders. Each come with their own set of side effects, but the most common are headaches, weight gain, dizziness, dry mouth, muscle spasms and cramps, nausea, loss of sex drive, constipation, sleepiness or problems with sleep, loss of appetite, and fast heart rate.

More serious and less common side effects are always a possibility too. Especially if patients are taking certain medications after being misdiagnosed (more about that in a later post). More serious side effects include nightmares, blurred vision, depression and/or paranoia, aggressive behavior, agitation, anxiety, personality changes, concentration problems, mania, suicidal ideation, and memory damage.

To complicate things further, psychiatric medications easily interact with other substances such as headache mediations, vitamins, and herbal supplements. It is important that the patient is aware of that possibility and ensures that their doctor is aware of all consumption habits. This includes ingredients in meals and drinks. It is also highly recommended not to mix alcohol with the majority of psychiatric medications.

Given all the possible side effects it is important that patients and their families/caregivers communicate to their doctor any changes they are experiencing with their bodies, feelings, and thoughts no matter how minor to avoid any further complications that could eventually result from continued medication use. Some medications take effect immediately while others can take up to two weeks or longer. Antipsychotics can take between six weeks to three months to get into your system and become effective. Therefore, obvious side effects could be delayed which is why it is important to continue to make note of any changes.

There are many long-term effects of using these types of medications such as organ damage and disorders like tardive dyskinesia (involuntary movements of various body parts). Therefore, it is very important that the patient regularly check in with their doctor and have regular blood work done to check on things.

It's important that patients find a doctor that they trust and that truly listens to their concerns so that no minor detail is overlooked. It is also important that patients and their family/caregivers are proactive in their own care, ensuring proper follow-up and tests are performed. Otherwise, important factors could be overlooked and lead to complications down the road.

Given this brief overview of information, it is safe to say that Dieter is experiencing both the common and more severe side effects from the medication he has been taking. There have been hints throughout the entire fic that his meltdown was slowly building, though it wasn't completely obvious. Which is the hard part about these types of things. It's often not an issue until it's bad.

There are some behaviors that could be a direct result of Dieter's diagnosis, while other behaviors could have been and were most likely exacerbated by incorrect medicating. That is just something to keep in mind as we work our way through the story.

In Chapter 27 we will get a formal diagnosis for Dieter and take a deeper dive into his disorder as well as how the medication he is on has created a perfect storm.

🌛Mysterious-Moonstruck-Musings

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Let me know in the comments below if you would like to be added to the tag list.

[taintedbenevolence]

Enough is enough | Ft. Volo ( CONTAINS MAJOR [ PLA ] SPOILERS )

Theme: Volo has betrayed you, and you frankly don't give a shit about what he could possibly say to try and heal you anymore. You're far too broken to care. Category: Short drabble; Angst

Warnings - Use of profanities

"You betrayed me."

Your eyes are dull, with a small, faint, but dampened glimmer of light. Smears of dirt and rubble have left you bruised and cut, the last fight having exhausted you. The words leave your mouth but hold no weight, only a numbed pain.

The blonde merchant in front of you sighs, his eyes half-lidded. "You almost sound like you care about me," he replies, laughing bitterly. But you don't respond. You blink absentmindedly.

Volo's comment ends in an awkward laugh as he simply stares at you, a dead look on your face planted as you stare. "...I did," you murmured, hissing in pain as the blood continued to trickle down your knees. "And this.. is the thanks I get."

The blonde purses his lips, unsure what to say for a second, before taking a deep breath. "I never asked to be loved," he started, a pang of pain within you resonating. "I only sought out that which Arceus would bestow upon this miserable world."

"And you indeed were the key," he continued. "I can thank you for that, Y/N." His smile brought nothing but hatred and rage that slowly bubbled up inside of you. "You truly made things so much easier." His face then contorted to one of desperation and anger.

"I'd prayed to that thing," he spat with a smile. "I'd prayed and prayed a thousand times over for my entire life, devoted like a priest of high honor, wasting away what I could've used to gain power and trust, only for you to fall out of the goddamn sky and be showered in praise by the almighty himself. I was left behind." He stared at you with a crazed face, but you weren't fazed. "Tell me why it had to be you!" he screamed. "Of all people, why were you the wanted child?! What'd Arceus see in a pathetic shit like you?!"

Your hues gained color as you grit your teeth, clenching your fist. "Oh, I would love to know," you spat. "I would love to know why the fuck I was put up for this, why I was taken away from everything I love, why I was stripped from everything and everyone I knew and cared about, why I had to deal with your bullshit when it wasn't even my fucking problem in the first place!" You glared at the blonde who swallowed hard, maintaining his angered stare.

"I'm sick of this long, drawn-on-out parody called life," you spat. "You used me, gave me hope, and then brought me to this because of some stupid plates? I refuse to believe you think I'll grant you another chance after this." Volo groaned, looking at you.

"Listen, I—" "No."

You walked up, grabbing Volo by his collar with whatever poor strength you had left. "I want you to listen to me, for the first time in a long time." The blonde stared in silence, allowing you to continue. "In what distant, dastardly dream did you think you'd get the happy ending and play god?"

"You see the world through black-and-white colored lenses and I hate it," you said. "You tried to fucking kill me. Tell me just what part of that idea seems delightful or righteous to you." He doesn't respond, infuriating you.

"Answer me!" you scream, as you begin to choke on your tears. "Why did you have to do this to me?! What did I ever do to you?!" The blonde merchant stared, your eyes brimming with tears.

"You did nothing wrong," he whispered.

You looked into his eyes, and they seemed just as broken as yours. You'd fallen into the very same despair he had years ago. He pitied you. "I can never ask for your forgiveness. It is undeserved. But know you did nothing wrong." A bitter laugh left your lips as you cried, your face buried in the chest of the same man you swore to never talk to again.

"...You truly are incomprehensible.."

[butterflydm]

wot reread: towers of midnight (chap 14-19)

spoilers for towers of midnight

1. Egwene has gone into TAR to attend some important dream meetings; first up is meeting with the Wise Ones. She lets them know that Elaida was abducted by the Seanchan and Egwene has been raised as full Amrylin.

2. She asks them about how Rand is doing and they tell her that he’s doing better. Yeah, I feel like there would be so much more tension in this plotline if Rand hadn’t yet had his epiphany and we were still dealing with ruthless!Rand, and so the Wise Ones weren’t able to reassure Egwene here about his state of mind. It would be better if the audience were also unsure about the wisdom of his plan.

3. Egwene does make a tentative arrangement that they can send Accepted to train with the Wise Ones for a time, but Amys and Bair make it clear that the Wise Ones have no interest in becoming Aes Sedai (Egwene hopes that, in time, she can change their minds; I deem this possibility Extremely Unlikely).

4. Her next meeting, after the Wise Ones leave, is with Nynaeve. Egwene puts Nynaeve, Rand, and Gawyn all in the same category of people who frustrate her because she feels like they don’t trust her/show her loyalty. She thinks here on how she hasn’t seen Nynaeve for ‘months’ - I guess the last time they saw each other was pre-ACoS, because I remember Nynaeve asking Egwene about Lan, I think? But Nynaeve was deliberately avoiding meeting Egwene in the dream for months because of the way that Egwene had traumatized her (back in... TFoH?).

5. Nynaeve finds out here that the Seanchan attacked the White Tower! I wonder if she’ll tell Rand. I really am trying to keep track of Who Knows What when it comes to the various Seanchan-related crimes. Egwene notes how uncomfortable Nynaeve is while talking to her and decides that instead of berating or scolding Nynaeve for avoiding meeting with her, she will ask her advice on being a young leader. Also, just to note another Egwene & Rand similarity: she notes how it feels like she has to do everything herself because people will stop obeying her once she’s out of sight. This is the same thing Rand was lamenting back when he was trying to get grain handed out in Arad Doman.

6. Egwene then uses the advice that Nynaeve gives her as a way of leading into telling Nynaeve that she needs to begin truly treating her as Amrylin and to call her ‘Mother’ instead of ‘Egwene’. Then Elayne arrives, all sparkling and chipper over the White Tower’s reunification.

7.  They begin discussing Rand. Egwene wonders here (just in her head) if Elayne has bonded Rand, and if that’s the secret that she feels like Elayne is keeping from her. Much as the Wise Ones did, Elayne and Nynaeve both tell Egwene that Rand has changed recently and is doing much better than before.

8. Nynaeve notices that Elayne is pregnant here. Is she... is she going to tell Rand when she wakes up? There are now five things that Nynaeve could tell Rand:

a. the sul’dam secret (key to any war effort against the Seanchan)

b. that Mat was left behind in Ebou Dar during the Seanchan invasion (would explain to Rand why ~Fortuona~ knew who Mat was)

c. that it was the Wondergirls and not the Dark One who changed the weather (would ease his mind somewhat)

d. that Elayne is pregnant (important emotional news!)

e. that the Seanchan attacked the White Tower (key to knowing how far the Seanchan have been willing to go, and that they now likely have access to Traveling; while Rand would have seen that the White Tower was damaged, it would have been easy for him to assume it happened when the rebels took the Tower, since he has no idea of anything that was happening in Egwene’s plotline)

WILL she tell him any of these things? I guess we’ll find out. So far, the only time she’s been willing to tell him anything (what happened with Lan) was when he basically already knew that something had happened and hounded her about it until she gave in. At this point, I feel like we can safely say that Nynaeve is more secretive with Rand than Moiraine ever was.

9. Note that Nynaeve does realize instantly that Rand is the dad, so all her ~omg Rand and Min need to get married~ ~omg Min is THE ONE who shares Rand’s heart~ ~omg we should talk to CADSUANE, why would I think of trying to talk to Elayne about Rand~ is all in the context of her apparently NOT having taken a blow to the head off-screen and forgotten about the love confessions, and forgotten about RandxElayne in general. She just bafflingly hasn’t thought about Elayne at all when interacting with Min and Rand x Min for no discernible reason. And, here, Nynaeve doesn’t appear to think of Min at all. She’s just instantly “oh Rand is definitely the daddy, don’t be coy with me, Elayne”. So when Nynaeve is around Min, she’s 100% RandxMin but when she’s around Elayne, she’s 100% RandxElayne. I guess if she ever spent time around Aviendha, she would probably be 100% RandxAviendha, lol.

10. Both Elayne and Nynaeve are way more noncommittal than Egwene expected on the whole “Rand has lost it in thinking that he needs to break the seals” deal that Egwene is selling. She blames Nynaeve’s reaction on her being ~influenced~ by Rand being ta’veren. I really do think that everything about this Egwene plotline would make more sense if Rand were still ruthless!Rand tbh. Egwene tells Nynaeve and Elayne that they need to come to the Tower to swear the oaths, but Elayne wiggles out of it because “we don’t know what it might do to the babies!” lol, it’s funny that Egwene is so 100% that everyone MUST take the Oaths but she’s all “eeeh, idk if it matters” when it comes to the Testing for being Aes Sedai. Anyway, Nynaeve says that if she’s going to do it, then she’ll do it right and take the Testing. Egwene says it will happen the next day then, and Nynaeve is startled at how soon Egwene expects her to come.

11. Oh, Egwene (very casually) mentions “before the Seanchan attack” here when Elayne is in the room, and she’s about to talk about the Black Ajah purge, when they get attacked by a two Black Ajah Sisters. Ah, that’s not really enough for Elayne to know what/when all that happened, especially since the attack happened so soon after. It’s Alviarin and... Talva? idk who Talva is, lol. I think this might be her first mention. After the attack, there’s a brief mention that Egwene tells about ~about what they missed~ but the narrative doesn’t go into detail, so we’ll only know how much she told Nynaeve and Elayne if they happen to think about it in their own narration. I wonder how much she told Elayne (and if any of that information will filter through to Mat).

My theory here is that Mat is going to be kept out of the loop of information about how much Tuon/the Seanchan have acted against his friends, to make it slightly less disgusting for the reader that Mat continues to fawn over an active danger to his loved ones who has, in the time since she left him, already assaulted his people once (meanwhile he’s been pushed into an emotional place where he felt guilty talking about standing up against her invasion -- another yikes pieces of characterization left to us by Jordan and another way the Mat x Tuon relationship is painfully lopsided; Tuon clearly feels no guilt about attacking MAT’S people).

12. Nynaeve has an Asha’man guard, Naeff, who... I think has not been mentioned before? He seems to be here as an illustration that though saidin is cleansed, any damage that the taint did to the men’s minds before it was cleansed remains intact (implying that the same is true for Rand). While she’s waiting for Rand to return (so she does plan to say goodbye before she leaves), she and Naeff are investigating a bubble of evil that turned a part of the city (people included) into dust. There’s no life left there. Things are getting Real Bad.

13. Feeling frustrated at her failure to help any of the people who were turned to dust, Nynaeve asks Naeff if she can take a look at him, and she attempts to heal the wounds that the taint left on his mind. She finds a darkness, with thorns poking into his mind. She pries the thorns free one-by-one and heals each small wound left behind. And it works, and his feeling that he is always being watched by Fades vanishes. This reminds Nynaeve not to give into despair and believe that the situation is hopeless.

14. Rand returns and he and Nynaeve talk. He thanks her for helping the Tairens and blames himself for things getting so bad, because of how he has delayed. He and Nynaeve talk a bit about Rand’s plan and it does seem pretty clear that Nynaeve sees his point about not waiting until the seals break by themselves. Better to break them and attack before the world gets worse. She tells him that she has to go back to the White Tower, and he asks her not to let them ‘ruin’ her. The most interesting thing to me here is that zen!Rand is WAY more like the Aes Sedai (in general) than ruthless!Rand, but Rand THINKS that how he previously was is like them -- forcing himself to be cold and uncaring to stay in control.

So... it is condescending for Rand to be saying this but it’s more interesting to me that he’s just flat-out WRONG (at the start of the book, when he arrived in the White Tower as zen!Rand, the people there were saying he was coming across as ‘Aes Sedai’ in vibe). But I think it makes sense (from Rand’s various Aes Sedai traumas) that he might think this -- the main Aes Sedai that he’s been around for the last several books has been Cadsuane, who is a bully and a hypocrite. Before that, he was literally tortured by a group of Aes Sedai, not all of whom were Black Ajah, some of whom were definitely using him to work out their anger issues. So I actually get why he might feel this way? But he’s incorrect. Aes Sedai are not constantly battling the taint the way that he was, so their need for control over saidar is profoundly different than Rand’s. That being said, idk if the text realizes that he’s incorrect, because Nynaeve agrees with him here (but otoh, there were the onlookers in the White Tower who straight-up said he was acting like an Aes Sedai). Rand does mention here that MOIRAINE always cared passionately but this was not something that he saw in her during the first four-ish books or so. It wasn’t until TFoH that he really began to see that in her.

I think the main thing is that Rand doesn’t have enough experience with “the average modern Aes Sedai” or “accepted White Tower training” in order to actually talk with authority.

15. Also, no. Nynaeve tells him none of the five big secrets that she is currently keeping from him, lol. She does not even CONSIDER telling him that he knocked up Elayne and she should know that he doesn’t know because they literally left Caemlyn TOGETHER back in Winter’s Heart. Being as communicative with Rand as she is with Elayne or Egwene isn’t even an option that she considers, even though she’s very fond of Rand.

16. On the plus side, she does examine his brain and we find out that his own taint-thorns are being held back by a coating of Light, which is interesting. Rand also says that he’d like it if she came back again once she’d able. Rand does mention here potentially having Elayne or Aviendha as the other woman in the circle with him if he uses Callandor with Nynaeve. We get no thoughts from Nynaeve re: the love confessions when Rand mentions Elayne and Aviendha. She also doesn’t think at all about how Elayne is pregnant when Elayne is brought up by Rand. I mean, at least she does plan to Heal Narishma and Flinn before she leaves but... jfc, she just Will Not Ever tell Rand anything, will she?

17. Faile and Perrin are finally having that big talk in private. Faile tells Perrin that he’s a good leader, and Perrin says he’s worried about how callous he’s become and that sometimes he wishes that he hadn’t gone with Rand on that night back at the start of TEotW (of course, they didn’t know that Rand was TDR at that point, so Moiraine never would have let that happen anyway lol). After that, Faile and Perrin have a meal for their one-year anniversary, their shanna’har. So that tells us how long it’s been since the battle of the Two Rivers. We then spend nearly two whole pages on reassuring Perrin that he’s a Great Leader (TM).

18. So, the thing is... Perrin’s fear about what killing those two Whitecloaks means for him as a person... that it makes him a monster and a killer, we saw a similar reflection in Rand, when he went to Falme in the last book. He thought about how that was where he first killed someone, how that was where he learned he could be dangerous to those around him. But Rand seemed to have more perspective about the situation that it occurred in. The first person Rand killed happened to be a Seanchan Lord but that doesn’t lead Rand to believe that morally he should to prostrate himself in front of ~self-proclaimed empress Fortuona~ to ask her to judge him, because Rand is capable enough of self-reflection to see both that he dislikes that he is capable of killing but also that he was in a situation where the other person was fully capable of killing him back.

But the actual connection here between Faile and Perrin is sweet, even if Perrin continues to frustrate and annoy me.

19. It’s fascinating/heartbreaking how Mat and Aludra’s relationship has changed into her treating him as an “unruly messenger boy”. It’s yet another relationship that got destroyed by Mat hooking up with Tuon. That’s one of the parts of the Mat x Tuon relationship that make it so unpleasant for me to read -- the fact that it is so inherently destructive to so many of Mat’s other relationships, leaving him much more isolated and vulnerable. And it’s just so lopsided! Mat loses/gives up so much due to the Tuon relationship and Tuon gives up nothing at all. How unbalanced the relationship is between the two of them is definitely one of the major reasons that I personally can’t get into it at all. That is not my vibe, lol.

20. Juilin comes over to talk to Mat to tell him that he plans to leave with the Aes Sedai to go to the White Tower. Very interesting that Juilin frames things in terms of Mat “giving permission” to the Aes Sedai to leave (which makes Mat wince). Juilin also hesitates before shaking Mat’s hand goodbye (and he mentions that the reason he’s not going back to Tear is because of the Seanchan). So, yeah, yikes. Looks like that’s another relationship that Mat torched by marrying Tuon.

21. Seta and Bethamin ALSO see Mat as “allowing” the Aes Sedai to leave and are somewhat surprised that it’s happening. So it kinda seems like the anti-slavery crew was unsure whether or not Mat would betray them and throw them back into the collars of the Seanchan (or basically were considering him the unofficial ‘owner’ of the three Aes Sedai Sisters). Yikes either way. And Mat winces here at being called “Highness” but doesn’t realize the deeper issue at hand. When Seta talks about how she wonders if it might not be better to die rather than to live as proof of the Empire’s lies, Mat tells them... that maybe someday after they learn to channel, the two of them (Seta and Bethamin) can convince Tuon that she’s wrong. Bro, she would stick them in a collar in a heartbeat. You KNOW this. Mark another tally in the “Mat in Willful Denial” column. This is also where he says the line, “Help me find a way to fix this without causing the Empire to collapse” and the line isn’t as awful in context as it is in isolation, because he’s clearly trying to find a way to make Seta feel less suicidal (and Seta cares deeply about the Empire). And the implication is that he means “fix this” in terms of fixing how fucked-up the damane system is, because of who his audience is (an ex-sul’dam who is scared of what it means to be able to channel).

The problem is that Mat is in such willful denial about Tuon’s character, because he wants to believe he isn’t married to a horrible person (like there are some great evil4evil pairings out there but it seems clear that is not the situation here and Mat is entering into this relationship with an “I can Fix Her” mentality, which rarely goes well -- though it does make the show’s change in his background painfully appropriate). Also, it seems clear that Mat believes that convincing Tuon that she herself is a channeler is THE key element to her having a breakthrough that would make her lead the charge to fix the damane system but... again, he deeply underestimates her ability to be a hypocrite, imo. Mat really really wants to believe that he’s married to a person who is fundamentally good but is just mistaken in her beliefs. Like I said above, I think that the narrative is going to deliberately keep information from Mat in order to let him continue to choose to believe that (if he knew that Tuon had sent assassins after the Aes Sedai, who include Egwene and his sister Bode, one would hope that he would have second thoughts about forcing himself to believe that Tuon must be fundamentally good underneath her toxic cultural beliefs).

In general, going into a relationship with the goal of changing the other person is... not such a great idea. For me, Jordan really botched the execution of the 'courtship' in CoT & KoD but when I try to not think about that part and just take what Sanderson was given, I do understand why he took this approach -- if we take it as a given that Mat has given up fighting his fate, Mat needing to justify WHY he’s gotten stuck him with Tuon makes a lot of sense. "The Pattern must have forced me into this marriage to convince Tuon that she can channel and that this doesn't make her evil, thus leading to her realizing that the damane system is trash" is a rationalization that makes sense for him to decide to believe, if we've already accepted that Mat has given up fighting.

22. Huh. Okay, that’s interesting. Mat explicitly compares the ex-sul’dam to RAND here, in terms of how terrified they are by the idea of channeling. *tilts head* I’ve talk a little bit about how Tuon is essentially a ~funhouse mirror~ of the Dragon Reborn (basically all the bad parts, lol, but she gets rewarded for it) but now I’m wondering how much MAT is projecting his feelings about Rand onto Tuon? Because Rand forced himself to be cold and in control in order to survive his destiny; Rand chases after prophecy like Tuon chases omens. But while Tuon might have a lot in common with the shell of the Dragon Reborn, we haven’t seen any evidence that there’s a good person inside that shell. In her own PoVs, she seems to be a hollow suit of armor.

I hadn’t remembered that Mat directly compared sul’dam (and thus by implication, Tuon) to Rand in the actual text of the book. Because Mat’s train of thought here goes from sul’dam to Tuon back to sul’dam and then to Rand very quickly. I still dislike that Jordan decided to have Mat’s sympathies swap from the oppressed in WH to the oppressors in CoT, but this is a very interesting justification in the text for that characterization change (one that did not appear at all in CoT or KoD, lol, so this may be an example of Sanderson trying to make sense out of the characterization change). Mat knows that there’s a good person who is frightened of what they’re capable of becoming underneath Rand’s cold shell, so he’s projecting that onto Tuon.

23. Doman and Leilwin née Egeanin are leaving to go to the White Tower too. So the entire “disapproves of the Seanchan” crew is heading to the White Tower in what feels like a fairly direct refutation of Mat’s choices (except Aludra, who is staying in Caemlyn for War Effort reasons). Oh! What Leilwin née Egeanin says to Mat when she’s leaving! “I don’t envy the place you’ve put yourself in. In some ways, I think the winds that carry you may actually be rougher than the ones which have buffeted me, recently.” Leilwin née Egeanin speaks nothing but the truth.

And the only person who wants to stay with Mat is also the one who flipped the most soundly over to the pro-slaver side: Setalle Anan, who Tuon had trained to fetch and carry for her by the end of the circus journey, and who amused Tuon by being willing to ~civilly debate~ over other people’s rights without trying to make Tuon feel bad for thinking that some people are less than human. The person most willing to coddle Tuon, in other words. That’s the only person who actually wants to stick around Mat after he’s thrown in his lot with the slavers.

(and Thom, of course, who needs Mat if he wants to save Moiraine; and Noal who is basically just a plot device)

24. Mat’s goodbye prank to Joline is... very childish (though tbh I feel like she could probably fix that with some minor channeling? I feel like this might be an annoyance to her for a handful of minutes at most). But it’s interesting here that Mat compares the ~predatory look~ in Joline’s eyes to Tylin’s even as he is desperately thinking that he needs to find some way to keep Tuon from enslaving him as da’covale (he’s “half-convinced” that she plans to enslave him at some point, though he once again tries to dress it up as ‘servant’ and not ‘slave’, just like he constantly did with Selucia back during CoT/KoD, where he kept insisting on thinking of her as a ‘ladies’ maid’ even though he knew damn well that she was a slave).

So, in the text, Mat is still operating under the deep fear that his wife is going to enslave him. Hmm. One of the other weird things that I noted happening during the circus journey is that it often seemed like Mat sublimated the anger/fear that he felt he couldn’t express towards Tuon and redirected it towards the Aes Sedai instead. In some ways, Joline was almost used as Tuon’s whipping boy during the circus journey, though I don’t know if that was intentional on Jordan’s part. Joline was the person that Mat was “allowed” to be angry at, essentially, even as Tuon behaved much more poorly.

Mat feeling wary and disliking that Joline is reminding him of how predatory Tylin was towards him -- Very Interesting. I will note that for later.

Also #JolineDeservedBetter.

25. Mat is very aware here of the connection that was formed between Setalle Anan and Tuon, and thinks that he wishes Tuon was here to distract Setalle Anan from trying to be the manager of his camp’s cooks. Strike seven-point-one. Mat notes Setalle Anan’s “plunging neckline” and how it works particularly well on “buxom” women like Setalle Anan. Not that he noticed. (the ‘not that he noticed’ is literally in the text, lol) And, once again, it is full breasts that Mat is trying to convince himself that he’s not noticing here, once again bringing attention to the lie he told himself a few chapters ago about preferring women with flatter chests these days. That’s at least three different women where it’s been the breasts in particular that grabbed Mat’s attention and that he lied to himself about. Mat is full-on trying to gaslight himself about his preferences in women’s appearances to convince himself that he’s more attracted to Tuon now than he is to anyone else Because Wife.

26. We’re reminded here that Setalle Anan knows about Mat’s protective medallion ter’angreal. She does NOT tell Mat that she told Tuon about the medallion, just regrets that she asked to look at it because that life is lost to her now. The fact that she so completely betrayed Mat to Tuon is really the thing that sticks out to me the most, of course. Setalle Anan was the one person who actually heard Tuon’s pro-slavery arguments (the reader certainly didn’t get to) and yet she gave away personal secrets to Tuon anyway. She’s the one person who should have the least amount of illusions about how deeply buried in Empire propaganda Tuon is, and yet (but she’s operating under Mat’s same delusion belief that she can ~reasonably debate~ Tuon into wanting to end slavery).

Apart from Mat himself, Setalle Anan is the character who got screwed over the most by whatever changed in Jordan’s ideas about the Seanchan story arc between Winter’s Heart and Crossroads of Twilight, going from being gutsy enough to hide an Aes Sedai in her cellar even as there were Seanchan in her very own inn... into being Tuon’s willing lacky and betraying the secrets of her former comrades. And as a result of that, Setalle Anan does feel like the most obvious evidence that Tuon is likely ta’veren.

27. Elayne strolls the Sunrise Gardens (which are on the roof of a building) and thinks about meeting Rand for the first time down in the lower gardens. We learn that her pregnancy is just beginning to show. It sounds like Elayne is getting an echo effect of Rand’s ~anti-Dark One~ bubble? The flowers bloom more around her and the little stream in this garden only runs when Elayne visits (apparently Perrin is also creating an “anti-food rotting” field as well, in his own chapters; I haven’t mentioned it because I didn’t really care, lol).

28. Oh, the deal that Elayne sets up here with the Kinswomen. I love Elayne so much. Seeking to create a place in Caemlyn where anyone who is hurt or ill can travel to be Healed free of any cost, in a lower-stakes environment than going to the White Tower. Elayne has such a good heart. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

And, of course, there are political and military considerations as well, because our girl is SMART. Having the Kin stationed in Caemlyn gives her a firm base to hold firm against the Seanchan, especially now that she knows they likely know Traveling. It is... fascinating actually, the post-War setup we have here of how much Elayne clearly plans to prepare in case of a potential Seanchan invasion post-The Last Battle, because Elayne and Tuon are on a post-canon collision course and I’m not sure how much any potential temporary truce will hold. That is a powderkeg.

Tuon is also Elayne’s foil in a lot of ways (I was talking about this with @markantonys in the comments of my last post).

They have many things in common:

we meet them both as heirs to a throne (who literally have “daughter” in their official title)

watch them ascend to power due to the reported death of their mother

they’re both capable of channeling

both are involved in love-based prophecies with ta’veren

they both have roses in their imagery (rose crown of Andor vs the raven & roses)

that one AMoL Spoiler Thing that they will have in common in the future

But there are also some strong contrasts that show the differences between them:

Tuon married without loving her husband while Elayne loves Rand but is not married to him

Elayne embraces being a channeler while Tuon rejects the idea

Tuon is the main slaver while Elayne has been the main person helping the freed slaves in the narrative

Tuon plans to force Mat to be ~full Seanchan~ while Elayne is incredibly selfless as a lover and has never tried to force Rand into being something else for her sake

Tuon uses other women as slaves, while Elayne is probably the female character who has the most connections to other women as friends and allies in a wide variety of different groups

while they both ‘claim’ lands outside their homeland that belong to them because of their ancestors’ blood, Elayne’s waiting country (Cairhien) actually IS prepared to have her as their ruler and has literally been waiting for her, while the Seanchan’s claims on the Westlands were pure propaganda on the Empire’s part based on an extremely distant past

A minor AMoL spoiler on this side too. I’ll try to point out the two spoiler-based things when I get to them in AMoL.

idk it’s interesting.

Elayne also wonders here if laying claim to the Black Tower (which IS on Andoran soil) would give her the post-Last Battle edge against the Seanchan that she would need.

29. ...Sanderson points out a massive plot hole from the Faile kidnapping arc -- that Perrin never considered using the wolfdream to scout out Malden. Yeah, that was pretty foolish of you, Perrin. It’s almost like you’re not a good leader and you don’t know how to use the advantages that you’ve been given. Bad Leader Perrin is such a hilarious contrast to Good Leader Elayne that we literally just had last chapter. I mean. On a certain level, sure, Perrin has had no training. I can’t expect him to be as good as Elayne. But on the other hand -- people (in the story) keep trying to tell me that he IS a good leader, because he makes Tough Decisions. Oddly enough, when RAND makes scorched earth Tough Decisions, the narrative understands that this is maybe not such a good thing; and part of Egwene’s whole leadership plotline was her putting her own skin on the line to AVOID doing a scorched earth approach. But Perrin doing scorched earth Tough Decisions is a-okay. For some reason.

30. ...I feel like this is the third or fourth time that Perrin has told Hopper that he’s ready to learn since we opened TGS. I think he can stop saying it, lol. Anyway, Perrin gets a lesson in keeping himself in the wolfdream even when someone is trying to force him out of it. They also run across a violet wall of energy in the dream that they cannot cross. Then Sanderson rids us of the terrible Berelain love triangle nonsense in this scene with Berelain and Faile, where they come to terms and decide that they will pretend to be friends in order to convince everyone that Berelain didn’t sleep with Perrin. Thanks for finally killing that subplot.

31. The Band of the Red Hand has been bragging to all the mercenary groups that they are led by a personal friend of the Dragon Reborn. That does track with how Talmanes behaved when he caught up with Mat in KoD.

32. Mat hears about the rumors about him -- one of them is that he “never loses at dice or love and his spear never misses his target” and he says that he wishes the second two were true. So he, uh. Doesn’t feel like he won in love. He also wishes that he’d dressed a little more fancy to see Elayne.

33. Oh, wow. Before he goes in to see Elayne, his hands are shaking. And his description of her is SO glowing. “His eyes found Elayne immediately”; “Radiant in a gown of deep red and gold”; “Beautiful, full red lips that Mat would not have minded kissing”; “Her red-gold hair seemed to shimmer in the hearthlight and her cheeks were full of color”; “She was a pretty thing.” She’s distracting.

Strike strike strike! Mat forcibly interjects Tuon/his married status into his gushing thoughts over Elayne twice here which only makes the gushing stand out more.

lol, the comparison to how he reacts to seeing Birgitte again is so telling:

“She looked the same. Always did, with that golden braid and high boots, like the hero from the bloody stories." lol, amazing. go girl give us nothing. The contrast between his gushing over Elayne’s appearance vs Just The Facts about Birgitte is hilarious. Mat is so attuned to Elayne’s appearance that he’s picked up on her barely-showing pregnancy weight (though he doesn’t realize it’s due to pregnancy) and with Birgitte he’s just like “eh I guess she’s Birgitte-shaped idk”.

Strike seven-point-two (and the third time he’s had Thoughts about Elayne so far in this book).

And Mat is expecting her to be an asshole noble (like Tuon is) and he’s bracing himself against that... and is completely taken off guard when she is warm instead, thanking him for returning Thom to Andor. She tells him that he doesn’t have to call her “Your Majesty” in private! Of course not! But it would be good to do it in public for appearances’ sake, and Mat readily agrees. I do think Sanderson missed a beat here -- if Jordan were writing this, Mat definitely would have mentioned Elayne’s dimple. Jordan’s Mat was OBSESSED with Elayne’s dimple.

34. Thom mentions Elayne’s future children and Mat is just gobsmacked that Elayne is pregnant (and that it’s Rand’s kids -- I mean, Mat has been watching Rand bang Min against every available surface for the past few months in his rainbow visions so... can’t blame him for being somewhat confused since he DOESN’T know about the love confessions). Mat also thinks in some befuddlement that Elayne is agreeable now (...and then admits that she could be agreeable before too sometimes).

Interesting here -- Thom tells the story of their escape and “capture” of Tuon, and somehow manages to make Mat sound like a hero in the story (focusing on Mat saving the Aes Sedai and helping the Atha’an Miere escape, maybe? the WH stuff before CoT destroyed Mat’s character?). And then Mat cuts him off before he gets to Tuon saying the marriage words (or, for that matter, before he gets to Mat handing Tuon back to the Seanchan Empire to continue her invasion of their continent). Given... Elayne’s understandably strong feelings about the Seanchan, I am EXTREMELY CURIOUS about how Thom managed to relay this story in a way that was amusing rather than disturbing. Though I guess some of the worse bits were things that Thom didn’t see.

35. Okay, Mat deliberately trying to make sure that Elayne doesn’t know he’s married to Tuon is... hmm. Is it because he’s so attracted to Elayne and doesn’t want to have Thom remind her that he’s married or is it because something in his hindbrain is telling him not to let Elayne know that he’s married to someone who enslaves women like her? Given the uncertainty here, I won’t give this a strike point. But, yeah, he and Elayne are getting on so well right now, that even discounting his attraction to her, I can see why he wouldn’t want to mention that he’s now married to a slaver, specifically.

36. “[Elayne] laughed, the pretty sound ringing in the room. He felt himself blushing.” OKAY! Strike seven-point-three. Mat is so fucking gone over Elayne, wow. I am so deeply curious if anything about this was in Jordan’s notes or if Sanderson was just going off of his own vibes of Mat & Elayne from ACoS. Mat is coming across as having a massive MASSIVE crush on Elayne. And when Elayne realizes the gravity of the offer that Mat is bringing with Aludra and her dragons, she declares, “Mat, I could kiss you!” and Mat blue-screens for a moment.

If Elayne HAD kissed Mat here, he would have 100% kissed her back. Like, I have zero doubt in my mind. Wow, that crush can be seen from orbit.

37. Haha, after all that getting along, Elayne and Mat do run into some conflict when Mat realizes that Elayne is planning to have Aludra build the dragons for Andor and not for the Band. To make it so that they are one and the same, Elayne offers for the Band to be an official part of Andor. And Mat is tempted. But he’s stuck with Tuon so...

“He did not think Elayne would be happy to have him in her realm once she knew of his relationship with the Seanchan.” and “He had no intention of giving the Seanchan access to these dragons.” So Mat has maintained an awareness that the Seanchan are, in fact, hostile and also that he would likely not be able to maintain his friendship with Elayne once she knows that he’s married to a slaver. Sanderson also has Mat focus on how he wants to clear up the uncertainly over how Tuon views him -- everything with Mat & Tuon really is tainted by the prophecy, of course, because how much of Mat’s desire to ~find out the truth of Tuon’s feelings~ is a genuine desire, and how much of it is because he believes that he’s trapped with Tuon regardless?

They do come to terms -- the Band will sign a contract with Andor for now. Andor gets 3/4 of the dragons and the Band gets 1/4. And, in order to sweeten the deal, Mat offers to lend his medallion to Elayne for one day, to do whatever she wants with it. Man, the give-and-take and the general... equality of the relationship. My brain is currently constructing a fantasy of THIS being Mat’s noble romance instead of the trash ones that we got stuck with. *sigh*

They bargain some more, with Elayne getting the medallion for three days and Mat getting a new serving man (MAT’S suggestion, which is key). After we had Tylin forcing fancy clothes on Mat against his will, that Mat wants and trusts Elayne to pick out someone to help him care for his clothing just... wow, that really gets to me.

38. He learns that the reason that Elayne wants the medallion is to make copies -- he finds that worrisome for a moment, but then finds himself settling on being relieved and intrigued by her plans. He also tells Elayne about the gholam. Communication! Mat learns that Elayne wants to use the Band to secure Cairhien and he’s absolutely fine with it, just as long as the Band is free for the Last Battle, “however Rand wants”. The little exchange that Elayne and Mat have here:

Mat: “I’ll do what’s right.”

Elayne: “What you see as being right.”

Mat: “Every man should have that option.”

Elayne: “Few men use it wisely.”

That is probably a conversation that will ring in Elayne’s ears in the future, once she DOES find out what really happened at the end of Thom’s story, and learns that Mat considers “marrying a slaver” in the realm of “what’s right”.

Also, Elayne spits in her hand and shake Mat’s, to copy him. Another (much more minor) mirroring moment between Elayne x Mat and Tuon x Mat.

39. Elayne mentions that she wants the FULL story at dinner that night, including what Mat meant about being a “married man” and wow, the regret that Mat feels over putting that in his letter. He notes here that he dropped it in to hopefully make her curious enough to actually meet with him, which tracks with my speculation. Mat says here, to Thom on the way out, that he wonders if maybe Elayne can give him a pardon too (after finding out that Elayne has given Thom one). It’s interesting, again, in terms of what I was wondering about re: whether or not Thom actually still likes Mat, that Thom is finding the idea of Elayne learning that Mat is married to a Seanchan slaver to be amusing. That doesn’t seem like the reaction of a friend. And, of course, Mat feeling that he might need a pardon speaks to an interesting level of guilty awareness on Mat’s part that he doesn’t want to admit to.

40. I had so much to say about Mat! And about Mat and Elayne! But that was all fascinating, especially how flustered Mat was over talking with Elayne. And it’s also interesting that, even as attracted to Elayne as Mat was, he was capable of dealing with her as an equal when it came to his people. But Mat is also very very aware that all this warmth and trust that Elayne is currently extending to him could vanish in a heartbeat if she found about “his relationship with the Seanchan”.

I do wonder how much of Mat’s reactions to Elayne are based on a (subconscious and unintentional on Mat’s part) comparison to Tuon. That maybe Elayne’s behavior is a pleasant surprise partly because of how much better she’s treating him than Tuon does.

[luciehercndale]

For Shades of Magic, what do you think of all the various villains/antagonists? Obviously, the Dane Twins and Osaron, but I'm also interested in your thoughts on George IV, Maxim and Emira, Berras, Ezril, and anyone else you consider to be in that category.

I will also make some theories about Threads so there will be spoilers!

Well, if we have to talk about who was better as a villain, it's a match between Osaron and the Dane twins. I would call this first group "the villains that were so hard to beat and we're not sure are really dead".

Osaron was the typical evil that was around you but you couldn't see and it was difficult to destroy - in fact we see how that went. It needed to be contained but it wasn't truly destroyed.

The Dane twins also scared the shit out of me because they weren't just cruel, they were plain crazy and unpredictable. It would be interesting if they were to come back, because sometimes I'm not sure they really left. What if they went to Black London? What if, when someone dies because of Antari magic, they are sent there? Because killing them looked so easy.

I'm still convinced that Kosika might've brought something to White London and it might be a mix of evil forces who have taken the shape of Holland. Perhaps they never even left White London.

Then there's a second group that I would define as "the villains who tried so hard and who are likely going to fail" and I would put Berras and maybe Ezril. Berras never posed a threat until he used the bracelet to steal Lila's power. I never took him too seriously to be honest, because he was covering for Ezril. Ezril is still a mystery. Since she's a priest, she might have skills we don't know about, like some kind of borrowed magic too. I think she will lay low because she needs Rhy and the others not to suspect her, so she can spy from the inside. We see that Kell doesn't seem to like her, and I hope he keeps an eye on her because it's clear Rhy trusts her too easily. She will also probably use her intel and her being a trusted person in the castle to steal any of Nadiya's trinkets (she probably gave Berras the ring and the bracelet). She might be outed in Threads #2, because I believe there is someone even bigger than her behind the Hand, even though we know her motive for treason is that her family is third in line after Nadiya's family. She would kill two birds with one stone if she got rid of the king and queen, but we all know that Rhy will only die if Kell dies, so... I expect things like a murder attempt at Kell or LIla both.

I am afraid because I also remember about the knife Lila nicks in the tavern that can kill someone using their power against them... even so, do you know what makes me feel like even Ezril will not win? It's because of the bond that now exists between Lila and Kell. I believe that by giving him a thread of her magic, Lila might've bound herself to Kell the same way he bound himself to Rhy. But for them, this may work differently: this connection could amplify their magic unbeknownst to them. The ring/bracelet might've been a foreshadowhing of that.

The last group is about "the ones who I wanted to slap so hard because they watched everyone from their high horse but were scum". I would put king George IV and Maxim and Emira, obviously. George was just plain annoying and I was glad when Kell literally said fuck you and stopped visiting him. I'm curious to know how he's doing, though, because I don't think Lila updates us on the king in Grey London? I hope they will go again in Threads #2, but so far he isn't a threat even though the fact that the box containing Osaron's power is in Grey makes it possible for the king to attempt to steal the power. We know he went to the Five Points to look for Kell, and he might do it again. I wonder what could happen if such a great power were to be used in Grey London. Would the magic tip from one London to another? Is that the reason why magic in Red London seems to have changed?

Last but not least, Maxim and Emira. I hated them with a passion. They weren't good parents not even to their biological son, but I mostly hated how they treated Kell like an object they owned and not as a human being. They are one of the root causes of Kell's abandonment issues too. The poor guy just wanted to be loved and being treated like an equal, but they only gave him a mere title to make people believe he was part of the family but he was their watchdog, basically. I was so glad when they died, because it served them right.

I think I said enough haha! I might add more in future posts because I plan a Threads reread and there is still a lot to say :) Thanks for the question!

[unganseylike]

 Hi y’all! As promised, here’s my 2023 reading wrap-up – my reviews and thoughts about some of the books I read this year :) As a heads up, some of these reviews may contain very very vague and mild spoilers just because I personally feel like it’s impossible to give a good sense of my thoughts on media without that; so I’ll list the books I’m going to include in the order mentioned above the cut in case you want to 100% avoid any potential spoilers. Another disclaimer- these reviews are each quite different in content; my goal was to give a synopsis (except for a few I didn’t feel were worth my time), give my thoughts and mostly-non-spoilery takeaways, and connect to an overarching theme of this post. My initial goal was to write like 2 sentences for each book, but that definitely is not what happened. This is a long post. A long post where I gave into my inner booktuber and wrote like I was doing a video. I enjoyed writing this, but. It’s a lot. You might not enjoy reading it.

If you’ve read these books, I’d love to hear what you all thought…Since these are all books I read this year, I haven’t gotten to re-read any yet, and I’d love to have some new things to think about when I do! Please tell me if you check out these books after reading my list <3

Also…let me know if you have any books you’d recommend. I think this list might just give a sense of my picky taste. 

I’d like to give a shoutout the love of my life, Libby, for making this possible.

Books, in order of mention, with numerical ratings: 

What Moves the Dead- T. Kingfisher: 5/10

The Hollow Places- T. Kingfisher: 6.5/10

The Hacienda- Isabel Cañas: 9/10

The Honeys- Ryan La Sala: 7/10

I’m Thinking of Ending Things- Iain Reid: 7.5/10

The Ruins- Scott Smith: 3.5/10

The Cabin at the End of the World- Paul Tremblay: 4.5/10

The Beautiful Ones- Silvia Moreno-Garcia: 4/10

The Daughter of Doctor Moreau- Silvia Moreno-Garcia: 6/10

Where Ivy Dares to Grow- Marielle Thompson: 5/10

Beloved- Toni Morrison and The Turn of the Screw- Henry James (brief discussion, no ratings)

Paris Is a Party, Paris Is a Ghost- David Hoon Kim: 8.5/10

The Fragile Threads of Power- V.E. Schwab: 4/10

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue- V.E. Schwab: 4/10

When the Angels Left the Old Country- Sacha Lamb: 6.5/10

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes- Suzanne Collins: 8.5/10

Project Hail Mary- Andry Weir: no rating because didn’t finish (bad)

Station Eleven- Emily St. John Mandel: 7.5/10

Severance- Ling Ma: 9/10

Annihilation- Jeff VanderMeer: 9.5/10

The Archive of Alternate Endings: Lindsey Drager: 8/10

Ok, let’s kick this off with my first category: horror and/or I read this because I thought it was horror but it wasn’t. Over the last two years or so, I’ve gotten into reading horror–ish books, because I like the genre expectations, and it freaks me out less to read it than watch it.

Over the summer, I decided to check out T. Kingfisher. I’d heard good stuff about her as a horror author. I first read What Moves the Dead. This is an adaptation of Edgar Allen Poe’s short story “The Fall of the House of Usher.” Both this book and the new Netflix show are pretty different from the original and each other, but of the two adaptations, What Moves the Dead is probably closer in tone and setting (19th century countryside, gothic elements), but that’s mainly because the Netflix show has barely anything to do with the original (thanks Mike Flanagan!). Like the original, the plot kicks off with the narrator receiving a letter from the Ushers asking for help, leading them to travel to a crumbling manor. On the other hand, Kingfisher’s book does casually take place in what must be an alternate reality; it’s set in the fictional country Ruritania, and the narrator, Alex, is from another fictional country Gallicia. This world building mainly functions to normalize nonbinary identity and unique sets of pronouns. This does play into the plot, but I feel like it wasn’t necessary to create a fictional culture just for this, or otherwise it should’ve played more of a role in the story…like the narrator could’ve just said ka uses neopronouns and it would’ve been more straightforward than creating whole new countries. This worldbuilding aspect was probably my biggest issue with the book (though of course I love cool linguistic discussions about pronouns and gender!), maybe along with the random cameos by Eugenia Potter (as in, relative of thee Beatrix Potter, of Peter Rabbit fame). There are some great creepy bits with fungus, rot, rabbits, and corpses. There are some similarities to the fungal horror in Mexican Gothic (which T. Kingfisher actually discusses in the appendix), but it’s not quite the same – either way, we love the crossover between fungus and gothic lit! Overall, certainly a far better adaptation of Poe’s story than Mike Flanagan’s, but some of the original content seemed out of place, while other original aspects needed more fleshing out. 5/10. 

I decided to try another book by T. Kingfisher, The Hollow Places, which I had heard really good things about! This one’s an adaptation of the novella “The Willows” by Algernon Blackwood, which features some sinister willows and cosmic horror (fun fact: I read the novella because Algernon Blackwood is where Martin Blackwood of TMA gets his last name) (fun fact 2: read “The Willows” it fucks. it’s free on project gutenberg). Unlike What Moves the Dead, Hollow Places takes place very much in the present, following a recently divorced woman who moves into her uncle’s museum of oddities. She and her GBF (okay, actually, he’s the eccentric middle aged neighbor who is a barista at the cafe the narrator goes to get wifi, but he does feel a bit gay best friend cliche to me) slip through a hole in reality to an in-between dimension full of willow-y islands…and hungry eldritch beings beyond their perception. Please appreciate that full sentence. I really liked the times while the duo was in this other place, but some of the moments in their own dimension felt a bit discordant; I honestly think it’s because their present was so modern. Like it felt weird to read them discussing memes after exploring a deadly pocket world. But maybe that’s the point of setting horror/fantasy in the modern world instead of a vague past. Despite this complaint, I actually think this a better adaptation in comparison to What Wakes the Dead, with original content nicely expanding on aspects of the novella. I did kinda hate the climax, but I’ll ignore that and rate this 6.5/10. When you fear getting torn apart by terrifying otherworldly beings, it really does put your ex-husband’s annoying texts into perspective. 

Before I get back to mid books, let’s talk about one I really liked: The Hacienda from Isabel Cañas. I actually wrote a few notes about this right when I read it because I knew I wanted to share something about it eventually. Those notes were: “cinematic, especially in flashbacks, not so typical final girl or just female protag period.” Which was not that helpful for writing this review because I don’t remember wtf I was talking about, but I’ll try to interpret past-Julia for you all. The book takes place after the Mexican War for Independence, during which the father of the main character, Beatriz, was executed. So, with her and her mother dependent on the goodwill of their cruel estranged family, Beatriz happily accepts a proposal from a hacienda owner and is ready to prove herself a capable homemaker. But, there’s something deeply wrong with the house, something that wants Beatriz dead. The only one that believes her is the priest Andrés, who has recently returned to the area, where his beloved grandmother had taught him witchcraft and had been a pillar of the community. He struggles to keep his witchcraft secret, while protecting Beatriz and trying to take on his grandmother’s mantle. I think I enjoyed nearly every moment of this book! I got a little stuck on the beginning, but once I got through the first few chapters, I was so invested in the story and was really following the ups and downs as Beatriz tries to solve the mystery and escape some evil shit. I loved the main characters, especially the women and Beatriz’s role as a gothic/horror heroine (hence the “not so typical final girl” note?), and I remember being surprised by the actions of characters I thought I was rooting for! Also, it must be said. Hot. Priest. I’m not generally a big fan of romances, but it worked for me lol. And, as I said in my notes, some scenes were so cinematic- I could picture exactly how they’d play out in a (good) movie. 9/10! I need to reread this, it was one of my favorite books I read this year! 

Around the same time, I read The Honeys by Ryan La Sala, and also had written down some terrible notes (adding some punctuation to make it semi-readable): “the horror of hypermasculinity, hyperfemininity, and the gender binary, bees, mean girl cliques, superorganisms like bees and aspen and rot. Actually very similar to midsommar in terms of grieving protag and sunlight horror and uhhhh joining a cult. Also I learned the term social horror.” I think that says it all…but I’ll give a more clear summary. When Mars’ twin sister dies terribly, he decides to attend her preppy summer camp in her place to reconnect with her memory and learn about her strange violent death. Mars is genderfluid and has always struggled in his political and public-facing family, thus resulting in his parents placing their hopes and confidence in his sister. But at Aspen Conservatory, Mars finds himself drawn away from the traditional gender roles of the camp and toward his sister’s elite and insular female friend group, the Honeys. They seem to accept Mars as one of their own, but what exactly does that mean? Overall, I really enjoyed the book, especially for all the creepy stuff that happens by daylight. It’s a great example of social horror; the gender binary sure is sinister in this book! I had a few complaints though. I thought Mars was a fun protagonist, but I didn’t always understand his motivations and occasionally he felt a bit annoying to me…but he is a teenager who has just witnessed his sister’s horrific death, so perhaps that behavior was intentional. I wasn’t a fan of the mystery reveal/conclusion, it felt a bit out-of-left-field to me, but maybe I just missed something. Also, it was a little too YA for me at this point in my life (though I wouldn’t actually classify it as strictly YA, if that makes sense), but I’m picky about genre, as you will see in these reviews. 7/10– after writing this review, I’m definitely considering rereading so I can see if I pick up on more foreshadowing!

I had a note saved for my next book I’m Thinking of Ending Things (Iain Reid), but it’s a spoiler for the entire thing so I won’t share. All I’ll say is, it was a joke about final girls…you’ll get it if you read it. I read this after trying to watch the movie on Netflix and giving up because it was boring in a discomfiting way (the stilted conversation and repetition was all intentional but it was getting to me), but I still wanted to know what happened and figured the things that bothered me in a film media wouldn’t be problematic in a book. I honestly don’t know how to describe this because it’s super surrealist and very easy to spoil with any of my personal takeaways. Most basic summary of all time: a woman questioning her relationship with her new boyfriend decides to go on a road trip to meet his parents. I actually recommend watching the movie trailer to see whether you’d like the book, because it gives a good sense of the inexplicable weird and tense vibe and atmospheric horror. 7.5/10 because reading this made me feel itchy. It was supposed to make me uneasy, and it sure did the job.

Ok, next are two books I don’t feel like describing in depth because they were mid/bleh. The first is The Ruins, by Scott Smith. I just learned they made a movie of this? I was thinking that it would actually work better as a movie than a book, but apparently it did terribly in theaters. Quick summary- four young American tourists in Mexico explore Mayan ruins in search of a fellow traveler, but become trapped on a hill covered with man-eating vines. The official summary mentions “a creeping horror” and “the terrifying presence that lurks there,” so I want to explicitly say that the big bad is man-eating vines because I was expecting something a bit deeper based on the blurb. I’d classify this as survivalist/nature/psychological horror and want to note it’s pretty gory. I’d give 3.5/10. It’s fine, but not what I look for out of the horror genre. 

The second book is The Cabin at the End of the World (Paul Tremblay). I saw really good reviews for this (btw there’s also a movie, which I haven’t watched but apparently is very different), but it also wasn’t all that interesting to me. I honestly don’t remember the plot very well/don’t feel like I have anything to write about it, so you might be better off looking it up, sorry. I’d give 4.5/10 though. 

Next, we have a few books that fit under the “I read these thinking they’d be horror” umbrella. This is my own fault for assuming Silvia Moreno-Garcia’s other books would be similar to Mexican Gothic. I would say I mainly didn’t like these books because I thought they were going to be a different genre, so take my word with a grain of salt. I read Moreno-Garcia’s The Beautiful Ones and The Daughter of Doctor Moreau over the summer. The Beautiful Ones is what I learned is called a “novel of manners,” where the quirky main character must navigate elite society to search for a suitor. The twist is that this takes place in a historical fantasy universe– the main character and her love interest have telepathic powers. I wish that the fantasy elements were more smoothly incorporated; I think this book could’ve been much better as magical realism. Even if the author didn’t want magic to be the main focus but for it to still be included in the story, magical realism would make that possible! I’d give 4/10, but that’s partially because I’m not really interested in the genre; if you like romance or YA fantasy with a twist, this might be fun, but I unfortunately do not! 

I somehow made the same mistake with The Daughter of Doctor Moreau. Okay, actually this one might’ve been a result of requesting it on Libby months before, then forgetting what it was by the time I got the book. This one I liked a bit better because the story had more interesting political meaning and is sci-fi/historical fiction, but it still wasn’t 100% for me. It’s inspired by H.G. Wells’ The Island of Doctor Moreau, which I haven’t read, so I can’t comment on this as an adaptation. It takes place at a hacienda in 19th century Yucatan, Mexico, where Dr. Moreau experiments making human/animal hybrids and cares for his sickly daughter, Carlota; beyond their estate, a Mayan rebellion is mounting. The plot kicks off as the Moreau’s resources dwindle, and they hope to resolve their financial troubles with a union between Carlota and their patron’s son…but, of course, things are not what they seem at the hacienda. I enjoyed reading the book, mainly for the commentary on connections between colonialism and patriarchy, and was definitely invested in the story, but I think it just wasn't my taste– all in all, though, 6/10.

One more book in this category, but this one’s not actually my fault. This one actually mentions Mexican Gothic in the description just to fuck with me I guess. Where the Ivy Dares to Grow (Marielle Thompson) does indeed intentionally use gothic tropes and subverts them, which I guess is cool, if you don’t carry a sense of betrayal about getting gothic lit baited :/ Saoirse travels with her fiance to his family’s ancestral manor as his mother reaches the end of her life, but his parents have nothing but contempt for Saoirse. Plus, the passion has long since cooled between her and her fiance, especially as he has grown exasperated with her mental illness that causes her to disconnect from reality. Though the manor seems unwelcoming at first, she eventually grows attuned to its idiosyncrasies, and begins to slip back in time to meet her fiance’s charming ancestor. While I found a lot of this book frustrating (not just because of the genre betrayal…), I did like the incorporation of a protagonist with a dissociative disorder (specifically, Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder) into a fantasy genre. I think many times with fantasy, characters will question their sanity, only to be reassured with the realization of the truth of their magical reality. Here, the fantasy setting doesn’t negate Saoirse's struggle with mental illness, or vice versa. I think the conclusion was well done in this vein, and it increased my perception of the whole book. Despite my bitterness. 5/10. 

Before we leave the horror genre, I want to mention 3 books I read during my ghost fixation this spring, which don’t 100% fit as horror, but y'know, ghosts. I read Beloved (Toni Morrison) for the first time ever! There’s a million things online/in literature about Beloved, it’s a classic, nothing unique I can say, other than it’s so so incredible and who am I to give it a rating. My class read The Turn of the Screw (Henry James), which is the 1898 novella that “Haunting of Bly Manor” is based on (once again, Mike Flanagan is out here making wild adaptations…). We discussed it through a queer theory lens, and I recommend reading it with attention to sexuality and innocence, and how interrogating these things can be deeply violating. 

I read an excerpt of David Hoon Kim’s Paris Is a Party, Paris Is a Ghost for that same class, and I liked it so much that I read the whole book. Fun fact- half of the title alludes to the poem “Ghost Q&A” by Anne Carson, which I actually used in a web weaving post (here’s the relevant line: “A: have you been to Paris; Q: no; A: Paris is a ghost; Q: no it’s not”).  It plays with nonlinear time, since ghosts classically disrupt the progression of time and the definition of a “present;” us trc folks are quite familiar with that… The book follows (in the most ghostly use of the word) Henrik, a Japanese adoptee raised by Danish parents, an expat living in Paris. To top off the layers of identity and belonging, Henrik begins working for a blind physicist (i.e., someone who can’t see and question his ethnic background) as a translator between English and French, neither of which is his first language. The book is divided into three parts across Henrik’s life; the first centers around the implications of his girlfriend’s hikikomori. The third part focuses on Henrik later in adulthood, which I personally found less engaging than the other two (which I REALLY liked), but that may just be me and my interests as a young person, and that was my only issue with the book. I’d say this book is for fans of nonlinear storytelling, ghosts (of course), interrogation of identity, language and the art of translation, ambiguity, and weird shit. 8.5/10. Also I have a pdf of the first chapter (from when I read it for class), so DM me if you want to read a sample. 

Finally, we are done with horror (or are we? More on that later).

Next is a category I call “YA/YA adjacent/adult fantasy/gave me YA vibes sorry I know this is a controversial classification but that’s how I think of it.” 

I’ve already made two petty posts about the two V.E. Schwab books I read this year , The Fragile Threads of Power and The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue (here’s one post, can’t find the other now). They were…fine. First, Fragile Threads– it’s a spinoff series (?) from A Darker Shade of Magic, which I read a while ago and liked but forgot the details, so I think I’m a pretty good objective reviewer here. This new book takes place seven years after the original series and follows the original main characters and a few new ones. I think it was a good choice to have this fairly hefty time skip. The original characters are now in their late 20s/early 30s, which is unusual in the genre (or often post-time skip, the characters’ issues will be suddenly all solved and they’re all comfortably settled into adult life and domesticity). On the other hand, the new main characters are both tween girls, which felt like a strange choice and made everything feel kinda disconnected. I would’ve liked to spend more time with the new characters; the older set had pretty disproportionate screen time (perhaps Schwab felt readers who are big fans of ADSOM would be unhappy otherwise?). The major plot beats felt really rushed and unearned (especially the resolution of one of the major conflicts offscreen…if you’ve read it you know what I mean). When the next books in this new series come out, I’ll check them out, but I’m not that invested. 4/10. Regarding Addie LaRue, yea it was mid and I don’t feel like delving into it. readwithcindy has a video about the whiteness of the book  and books like it, which is worth checking out. Also 4/10. I still don’t believe that every person in the world would feel compelled to COMMENT ON ADDIE’S FUCKING FRECKLES WHAT IS SO SPECIAL ABOUT HAVING SEVEN FRECKLES I DON’T GET IT??????? Anyway. 

As per many tumblr recommendations, I read When the Angels Left the Old Country (Sacha Lamb). It’s a queer Jewish immigrant story that follows an angel and demon who are chavrusas (Talmudic study partners); they leave their shtetl for America to find and help a girl from their village. Along the way and through their time in America, they explore things like free will, gender, names and identity, labor justice, and fucking up rich people. I felt like this was a good historical fantasy, and I’m always up for Jewish fantasy! I’m not super into the angel and/or demon thing I know tumblr people like, so fans of those tumblr posts that are like “an angel is actually high tension wires” would probably like this. 6.5/10 - not 100% my taste, but definitely a fun read and I can’t believe this is the only really Jewish book I read this year. Someone tell me about more Jewish books please. 

There’s a couple other books I read in this category, but I don’t feel strongly about commenting on them (and we definitely don’t need to discuss the fact I read two game of thrones books in like a week for no reason), so let’s move on to my next set, sci-fi/apocalypse-y/dystopia. 

I read A Ballad of Snakes and Songbirds early this year. Obviously lots of people have been discussing it recently because of the movie, so all I’ll say is that I was pleasantly surprised. I was nervous it might be another pointless spinoff about a villain’s backstory (and trying to justify their actions), but this is definitely not that. This book had shit to say, and it was really well done. 8.5/10. 

I want to start the rest of this category with a book I didn’t like before getting into books in this genre that I felt worked so much better, at least for me. My brother sent me a paragraph-long text with a glowing review of Project Hail Mary (Andy Weir). He’s not a big texter, so I figured I had to check it out- I joined the long long waiting list for the book. And, I couldn’t get through it. I really tried, but everything about it annoyed me so much, despite the fact I had liked The Martian which is a fairly similar style. First, the narrator exemplifies the worst of scientist characters; while reading this book, I posted several times to complain about this problem. If you haven’t seen my many personal posts about my life, I currently work in a microbiology lab and ultimately want to become a research scientist. I regularly interact with truly incredible scientists, people I aspire to be like one day. But if I asked my supervisor to calculate a star’s orbit in her head, I think she might slap me. I really don’t think you can write a realistic scientist who is an expert in every subject, and the weirdly humble and immature attitude of the book’s narrator pissed me off more because of this. The fact he claims to be a microbiologist but seems to do everything but microbiology is beyond the point…It would be much more interesting to me to have the narrator find himself so out of his depth in a time of crisis and/or when alone in space. Of course, this would require some more creativity to move the plot forward, but that could be really cool! My other major reason for not finishing was the actual apocalyptic conflict. This was more a personal thing for me than a book problem; the conflict is a bit convoluted, but not bad in itself. Honestly, reading about an all-consuming response to a planetary crisis was just overwhelming and some aspects of their stopgap solutions made me physically nauseous (I don’t want to give specific spoilers but uh. I think the idea of what happens with the Sahara and Antarctica were what actually made me finally stop reading). On the other hand, it made me so sad to think about a reality where such a crisis warrants the appropriate response. We have a real planetary threat on our hands, and we can’t even mobilize the bare minimum measures because of the same capitalist and exploitative motivations that have driven climate change this whole time. This second unrealistic aspect gave me a good dose of climate doom. I can’t rate the book because I didn’t finish, but I’d be really interested to hear your thoughts on this one, since I don’t understand why it has been so praised. 

I do think it’s possible to more realistically handle the idea of proportionate crisis response and normalcy/lack thereof in an apocalypse situation. We have all been living through a pandemic and have all personally experienced how quickly the definition of “life as normal” can change, as well as seen our world’s failure to raise a just and appropriate response when profit is in the picture. I’ve felt pretty sensitive to how fiction handles these topics, and I have a few broad  categories for pandemic media: pre-COVID and eerily accurate or pre-COVID and absolutely inaccurate; post-COVID and insensitive (it gives the audience a little elbow, like “hey we all remember THAT right, look, it’s been incorporated into this story lol!”) or post-COVID and tastefully incorporates some interesting insight or post-COVID and ignores the whole thing (though it’s a different question whether you can create something fully new without incorporating lived experience even subconsciously) (as another note, I want to add that before 2020, I was really into the science history of pandemics, but haven’t done much reading on that front since) (also, when I say post-COVID, I mean post-outbreak. COVID rates are soaring right now, let’s stop ignoring this. While we’re in a parenthetical, please get the new vaccine if it is accessible to you). 

Both Station Eleven (Emily St. John Mandel) and Severance (Ling Ma) were indeed published prior to 2019, and so they fit into category #1. Reading them this year actually felt really valuable and almost cathartic, rather than anxiety-inducing. Station Eleven loosely follows several people who are connected by their involvement in a production of King Lear immediately before the outbreak of a deadly flu. The fairly extensive glimpses into their lives prior to and after the outbreak round out really nicely. I like that we see such a range of ages of characters. One of the main characters was a young child when the flu started, and most of her screen time takes place twenty years after; only a small fraction of her life took place in what the older characters view as “normal” times. So what does that mean for people like her (or those born after the outbreak)? Should she be mourning something she experienced for just a few years? Her whole life has taken place during a period of apparent transition, but what is the world transitioning to? When does a transition end? After twenty years, there’s a sense of peace and predictivity to her reality- isn’t that a sort of normalcy? I also really liked the way all the characters were loosely connected to one another; there are lots of books with such setups, but I like that this connection doesn’t entail some great mystery or a climactic meet-up. Connection is just how the world works. 7.5/10; it left me with things to think about, but it was a bit of a slow read for me at some points.

While I read Station Eleven because I saw my lovely mutual posting about it, I read Severance because my coworker posted about it…but what are mutuals if not coworkers. It is similarly made up of pre- and post- outbreak scenes, but it follows only one character, Candace Chen (interesting quote from a New Yorker article about this choice: “...Ma flouts a trope of dystopian fiction, a genre that, with its fixation on the fate of civilization, has a tendency to produce protagonists meant to stand in for society at large. Rather than an Average Joe, Ma gives us a Specific Chen, conjuring an experience of the apocalypse through the lens of someone whose variegated identity is not an exotic distraction but part of the novel’s architecture”). These scenes of the past are less strictly cohesive flashbacks, and more snippets of Candace’s dispassionate existence. When the epidemic breaks out, she keeps working her corporate job in bible manufacturing in New York City, even as her superiors and coworkers leave or fall ill, even as the city’s infrastructure crumbles and she moves into her office, until she eventually is rescued by a band of survivors. Candace is a cog in a machine, otherwise adrift and lonely in late-stage capitalism. The Shen Fever isn’t a disease where the victims fall ill and die, leaving the sight of the narrative; the fevered linger, acting out loops of their daily/familiar routines until they finally wear themselves ragged and die. So, there definitely is more cutting, explicit criticism of consumerism and capitalist society in Severance than Station Eleven. It’s also more psychological (and ambiguous). While Station Eleven gave me a sense of peace and calm occasionally, I never felt that here, where the non-fictional aspects of life under late-stage capitalism is inseparable from the book’s fictional dystopian elements (perhaps the difference in tone between the two books is because Station Eleven is about connection, and Severance’s narrator exemplifies the disconnection wrought by capitalism). There’s not really a sense of urgency or stress, though. In my opinion, that’s because (as many of us have experienced) when crisis is happening all the time, people become exhausted and adjust their idea of normalcy to some level of tragedy. Between the symptoms of the fever and Candace’s commitment to work a pointless job through a pandemic, this book really did eerily reflect the world’s insistence on “life as normal” during the beginning of COVID. There is so much more to talk about with Severance (I was mainly focusing on how it compares in regard to a sense of normalcy in crisis, but there’s SO much interesting stuff in it- I didn’t mention at all, for example, the role of immigration), and I highly recommend checking it out if you don’t mind an uncomfortably realistic sense of impending capitalistic doom! 9/10.

These three apocalypse books all used scenes set before, during, and after the onset of a crisis, so it’s interesting to me that they have such different relationships with normalcy. I’d be super intrigued to hear what y’all think about these books (or other similar ones) and their very different treatment of the same themes.

Sorry for the mini book report there. It’s time for me to talk about one last sci-fi book, which was actually one of my top books of the year- Annihilation (Jeff VanderMeer). I read this after I finished my last finals of my university career, and I finally had some time to myself. It was a strange and liminal sort of period for me, existing in this space for two weeks where I was just anticipating graduation and my move to a new city, a looming end to life as I had known it the last 4 years. I spent several evenings sitting on the quad, enjoying the nice May weather, and barely noticing as the sun set and it grew dark around me. I really expected nothing from Annihilation and couldn’t believe how much I loved it. For one, it gives me hope that scientist characters don’t have to be awful (unlike Project Hail Mary’s protagonist, the narrator here sticks within her field and even explicitly mentions being recently refreshed on the scientific topics relevant to the story). I don’t know what genre you would call this– it’s like 60% horror 40% sci-fi (but I couldn’t bear to add another book in the horror section, that’s why it’s in here, and also I wanted another jab at Project Hail Mary’s protagonist); it’s cosmic horror, where the incomprehensible thing is biology and the strange inhuman beauty of nature. The narrator is simply called The Biologist, a woman who is absolutely fascinated about the natural world; she’d be satisfied staring into a puddle in a parking lot for hours. I love her. She joins a mission, made up of women also referred to simply by their fields, to learn more about the mysterious environmental disaster zone called Area X. The movie’s description calls this a “mysterious zone where the laws of nature don’t apply,” but I think the Biologist would say the exact opposite. The story, told through her field journal, records the team’s investigation into Area X and the terribly strange and beautiful things she encounters there; meanwhile, she reluctantly reveals her not-so-scientifically-objective motives for signing up for this doomed expedition. You’ve probably heard of the movie and/or seen gifs of its beautiful visuals; this is one of the cases where the movie is pretty good (and Oscar Isaac is there), but it’s really a completely different piece of media than the book- I recommend reading the book as a separate entity than the movie. This one is a 9.5/10! Once I reread and better understand the conclusion, I’d probably add that 0.5 points back. Has anyone read anything similar to Annihilation they recommend? I need more of a funky scientist interacting with surreal natural horror. 

Ok, one last book that I would consider miscellaneous to my categories here, but theoretically could be scifi? 

I read The Archive of Alternate Endings (Lindsey Drager) after seeing a quote from it in a tumblr post. In fact, you might’ve seen the post I recently made with a different excerpt from it. I finished it just before the new year so that I could fit it in here and give it the honorary place of the last book :) Archive combines a lot of things I know y’all like: the circularity of time, folktales, web weaving, siblings, tragedy, nautilus shells, etc. Since we’re at the end of this post, I’ll give a better go of describing an experimental book: a natural history of storytelling, as traced through the tale of “Hansel and Gretel” and Halley’s comet. Not sure if that makes sense, but essentially, Archive reveals the human connections at each 74 year interval of the comet’s orbit, from 1378 to 2365, through revisiting the meaning of “Hansel and Gretel” to different pairs of siblings. Compared to other works that attempt to do the grand connections across time and space thing, Archive does this very well, probably because this structure is not an afterthought and it’s not a tool to build anticipation of the characters meeting- it’s the thesis statement. One thing I did have trouble with was the incorporation of real historical figures into this piece, especially considering its structure. I was able to more easily digest some of the historical liberties taken than others; I didn’t mind the historical figures and original nameless characters separately, but it was strange to see Ruth Coker Burks (though she’s not named explicitly) interact with a pair of fictional siblings. 8/10. Other than that issue, I think this book worked well and was a great last read for 2023!

I said that was the last book, right? Sorry.

I realized I’ve never posted here about one of my favorite books, and I want to use this as the chance to talk about it, if anyone’s still reading at this point. 

I read A Tale for the Time Being (Ruth Ozeki) in the spring of 2022. I learned about this book because someone had left it in a classroom I was teaching in, and I thought the title was great, so I took a picture of the cover and eventually searched for it at the library. How’s that for fate? Here’s a brief summary. A novelist with writer’s block finds a journal that has washed ashore. Alongside the novelist’s annotations, we read the words of Nao, a Japanese teenager. Nao has decided to kill herself, but first she wants to do something that’ll matter: write about the incredible life of her great-grandmother, a hundred year old Buddhist nun. Despite her best attempts to focus on her grandmother, Nao ends up using the journal as a diary, documenting the events of her own life that have led her to plan a suicide. While Nao’s life and her intentions are obviously extremely bleak, she writes with a delightfully bright and peppy voice that makes her journal both a pleasure to read and that much more devastating, as we quickly begin to care deeply for Nao. The novelist’s parts of the book are objectively weaker than Nao’s, but her role as helplessly studying the journal years in the future is definitely necessary for the book to work (plus she’s the framing device). I do want to note content warnings for Tale; suicide, of course, but also I was surprised by brutality of Nao’s bullying (I’d loosely define some of it as torture) and the escalation of events toward the end. So adding some less obvious CWs in case people wanna check it out: graphic depictions of bullying; sexual assault; racist fetishization of Japanese women; child neglect; and lots of discussion of suicide. Beyond that, I’d add that this book is just absolutely packed full of everything, which can make it seem occasionally a bit all over the place, but it’s all connected, so it’s worth it to try to follow the various threads. From reviews I see online, some people LOVE this book, others hate it, so it might be an acquired taste…but personally, I recall it as one of the best books I’ve read and am going to take this as motivation to finally reread it. 

Right, now we are done. So what are the takeaways of this ridiculously long post ? Here are few bits of wisdom I learned from my 2023 reading: You have got to read the originals that adaptations are based on because Mike Flanagan and co will fuck around with the source material, but also because knowledge of the source material can add a lot to your understanding of an adaptation you enjoy (and there’s usually a reason someone found them worthwhile of adaptation). Screwing with time can work incredibly well in any genre, but it will come off as cheap if the author doesn’t get the implications of non-linear time and just wants an excuse for excessive flashbacks. There is good pandemic fiction out there, you just have to avoid cringey COVID-derivative material. Stop making your scientist characters be experts in everything, and start making them obsessed weirdos. And take better notes than a string of adjectives if you want to write in-depth book reviews. 

Thanks for bearing with me through this post! Let me know what you think! Did you read these books? Agree with me or disagree with every word? Do you have any recommendations for me? Read something good with a ghost in it? Or do you want to share books from this year you hated? And should I channel my inner booktuber and do more posts like this?

Happy New Year!

Julia

[thoughtfullyrainynightmare]

Summary:

Solara makes a decision, about what to do with her situation.

(Yes, loosing the WIP made me want to finish this more)

Tag list: @succulentsunrise @loosesodamarble

Content: This series contains themes and topics some may find uncomfortable, which is why reader discretion is advised. However, it is mostly canon typical content. References and mentions to Solara's pregnancy, angst, one mention of blood, war themes (because canon), manga spoilers, general theme of hopelessness Lenght: ~3.4k

Chapter 5: Solara's choice

How did it come to this... I never thought that I’d be here again, standing in this laboratory, staring at an armour. Which... he was relieved from his duties when it came to crafting my armour. But suppose old habits die hard. Or then it’s just as he says it is... He had one almost ready, and he merely finished it.

Just for this occasion. This purpose...

How convenient...

But I suppose that a beggar can’t be a chooser.

If this is the choice I want to make... If I want to take the chance and ... And...

“[The armour is encased with runes that will ensure habitable conditions for the children, if not left alone for too long. That is to say, if they’re not left as they are. Since your body and the amniotic fluid there are the main sources of providing nutrients and a growing environment for them. The magic merely allows these conditions to stay more stable, as well as maintains them for a given period of time if the mother dies. Which is why there is also a communication device linked to the mother’s heartbeat that will trigger a signal once the beat goes quiet unexpectedly, and allows for the remains to be teleported back along with the children.]”

I... I don’t know... Why would he make such a thing...? Because... it’s so... twisted... the idea of... sending someone like this to battle?...

Though I guess it could be used just as protection while fleeing too...

It could be used as a ... shield. Nothing more.

And... at least they’d be...

Back...

But motherless...

Fatherless...

Orphans...

Would I want to do that to my children? Our children...?

It would be me... making a choice I don’t think I... can make... am allowed to make...

Am I allowed to make such a decision? I don’t... People make such decisions. About other people’s lives.

If it was just my own, then I could. Quite easily I could, but...

In that moment, she didn’t know if she liked it better, to have been offered such a choice, such an option to take. Because if she hadn’t been, she could just have wallowed in the remnants of the lack of possibilities she had. She could just have been the almost-but-hopefully-not-soon-to-be-weeping-widow. She could have been just that.

But the fates had, through the most unlikely route, offered her a rope.

However, she didn’t know if it was made from the gilded threads of fate, spun into that rope, or if it was just a noose, made out of good intentions. If even that.

I can’t just... this kind of a choice... I shouldn’t... have to choose... Because... But... I want it... all... I want our children to have a father, to play with them, be with them, raise them and just... exist... I can’t... And I’m just...

I want... it all...and...

And...

...and...

What do I want?

What do I want.... more?

Out of the all that I want, what is the ... more? The most?

I think... it’d... if... when I have to...say ‘or’, instead of ‘and’...

“[With the aid of Category 4 mana storing crystals, it was possible to make the armour compress in the form of a gauntlet. In case there is mana being supplied to the crystals, they’re able to transform the mana into category 4 mana in the form that is most suited for a process to take place. Meaning, if the armour is compressed, it will decompress and vice versa.]”

Solara nodded, grasping only about half of the explanation.

But can I really... no... it’s not a... it’s not something that I’d have the right to choose. Right...? The kind of...

It’d be...

Why am I offered this choice? ... Would it rather be... easier if I could just ... settle in being... nearly... a widow... instead of having to choose... because.. if I don’t, is it not the same as having his blood on my hands? Choosing to stay, would it not be the same, as ... leaving him to die... alone. And it that another kind of murder? To not do, when offered the opportunity to do something?

And yet... if I choose the other then... there might also be...

What kind of a mother, what kind of a person would I be if I chose to go...? What kind of a spouse, what kind of a person would I be if I chose to stay...?

What kind of a ... person... do I want to... be...?

What kind of...

“[It is free for you to take if you so wish. And since you don’t have a lot of time to decide, I take it that you should say it now.]”

I know damn well that there isn’t a lot of time! It was painted all over the horizon! What day today is. And how it’ll mean... How the colours of...  The dawn was the colour of... red... crimson... vermillion... the colours that I ...like...

...

That I ...like...

There was a hand, an arm, reaching out, closer to her, holding a gauntlet.

“[So, will you?]”

Will I... what will I do...? Take it...? ... Will I... what was... the question?

The hand, stayed still, expecting a reply.

But all she could do, was stare at it.

The hand. The gauntlet.

I’m... supposed to... choose...

What kind of a person... will I be...

Now that I have ... a choice... then...

What... should I... do...?

What cruel fate decided that I must... have ... a ...choice...

Or did I always... have one...?

My. Choice...

---

“Come to bed, my love. It’s late,” he beckoned with a smile, looking at her from the bed, under the covers, while leaning against the headboard of the bed with a book in hand.

The corners of her mouth tugged up into a tender smile that was laced with a veil of amusement. “Never did I imagine that you’d be telling me to come to bed, because it’s late,” she teased.

“I have asked you to come to bed, many times,” he noted with faint amusement.

“No... You have carried me to bed many times,” she corrected with a chuckle.

“I don’t recall you objecting.”

“I didn’t. But it isn’t quite ‘requesting’,” she smirked while making her way across the room.

“It is... an adamant request,” he told her, very factually, enunciating the words with care, while trying to contain the smile, the smirk, but just for the sake of sounding more convincing.

“Oh? An adamant request you say?” She stopped at the foot of the bed, while crossing her arms, and looking at him with a smirk and a quirked eyebrow.

“Mhm...” he hummed. “And, I’m afraid, that if you don’t comply, I will have to be adamant this night as well.”

“Oh I am very scared,” she purred, taking a step back.

“Mhm.”

“Mhm.”

He placed the book onto the bed, while keeping his eyes on her, and pushed the covers aside.

And she, she stayed in place, looking at the careful, strong, gentle motions that he made. Every single one of them more determined and driven than the last.

His gaze lingered on her, as if a target, a lion in the wild; knowing what was desired. Knowing what he wished to do. Who he wished to wrap into his embrace and carry into the bed, just to keep her there, safe and sound; their chests heaving against each other in unison, as their hearts sang the same song, but which the mortal ears of the neither of them could hear. But they wouldn’t need to. They wouldn’t need to hear the song, just like they wouldn’t need to see the gilded ropes of fate, spun from threads. It was enough for them to feel the tender emotions which was as if a blessing from the heavens above.

“You’re not running very fast,” he teased while standing in front of her, close enough for her to feel his warmth through the air, smell the lingering scent of lavender that by now had combined with the faintest of traces of jasmine.

“Maybe I don’t want to run away from you,” she swayed in place, eyes flickering between his eyes and his lips.

“Hmm... then why are you not coming to bed?” He asked, while wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer.

“Maybe I want you to carry me to bed,” she placed her hands onto his chest, letting her fingers play with the collar of his t-shirt. “Or maybe...” her eyes flickered again as she bit her lips.

And he knew that look. It made him chuckle and tilt his head to the side.

So by the time she jumped, wrapping her legs around his middle, and pressed her mouth against his, he was ready.

His arms held her, securely and without a falter, above the ground, carrying her to bed.

And as he sat down, laid down onto the bed, she followed his movements. Balanced them out, only to press herself against him in the end. Because she’d call him to her, only so that she might follow him, balance him, complete him, just like he did to her.

They might have both been their own people. As incomplete and imperfect as anyone else. But together their imperfections played together,  danced together, completed each other in a way like no other.

A pair of imperfect people, who, together, might not have been perfect. But, the stars only knew, they might have been a little more perfect than alone.

---

She sat on top of the statue. Carved in the shape of the Queen. But unlike the statues, her gaze wasn’t to the open ocean. Hers was to the island. The Queendom.

Home.

One home.

The home my children... will know... the place our children will... call... home....

There was a breeze that played with her hair, making it sway around. But she barely noticed it. She barely felt it. Acknowledged it.

There was only the cold stone, block of granite under her, as well as the piece of metal, in the shape of a gauntlet, in her hands.

We stood here once. Together. I think we talked about if I was the first person you had ever kissed. And I told you that you weren’t. That I got my first kiss on that beach there. But I knew, right there and then, that it wasn’t forever. That it wasn’t the kind of a kiss that I enjoyed. That he wasn’t for me. But I don’t think I said those things to you. Because you frowned. Looking displeased. But you understood that it was the me I was back then. Young and ... naive. When I was searching, but figured that I’d need to find someone who was sweeter than my solitude, in order for me to want to share my life.

And you understood that I found that in you.

Because I was here, with you. Talking about life. The future. The past and the present. And what we had in that moment, was hope. We had an idea of a shared future; a bright one.

And... I think I showed you... for the first time... how my mana is, without the spells that bind. When I’m not exhausted. Consumed... I think that was when you saw, for the first time, a pool of sunlight collecting beneath your feet.

A river of starlight.

Because the sun, is also a star.

Even if it doesn’t hold the symbol of hope.

And you kissed me. You kissed me with the kind of an adoration that you always did. You kissed me and told me that I was beautiful. But I don’t think it was because of my magic. Because of the mana, spread around under our feet or in the air.

I think you told me, that I’m beautiful, because you thought... that I. Me. The person that I am, was beautiful.

But that wasn’t the most important part of that discussion.

Because we also talked about children.

We talked, and we made a promise.

A vow, of a kind, to each other.

Or was it just me? Was I the only one to ask you to make the vow?

No. I think I made it too. We made it together.

To always... Always. Put out children first.

We promised. You promised.

I. Promised.

To put our children first. No matter what.

...

So... what kind of a spouse, what kind of a mother, and what kind of a person... would I be... if I ...didn’t... hold myself to that vow? If I chose to disrespect it?

If I...

Chose to try and... save ...

You...

...

She curled around herself, holding the gauntlet to her chest, head hanging as low as it could, as the weight of the heavens, or perhaps of just her own regrets, hung on her shoulders.

Why...?

Her tears, along with broken sobs, were lodged into her throat.

Air tasted like dust.

Felt like ice.

And she wanted to scream.

She wanted to scream in a way that would make death seem like solace.

But... would that not have been her admitting, admitting that he was dead, as the pendant, made of lavender quarts, still hung around her neck with such a pulse that she was sure she could hear it.

I can’t... He can’t... until I see it with my own eyes...

Not even a broken sob. A whimper.

Nothing.

Because all of it. Would have been admitting that he had perished. That he would have stepped over a line, behind which she could not follow.

So, instead, she gladly tried to swallow the sounds that didn’t even wish to leave her throat. The suffocating, muffled, broken cries and cursed to the gods that weren’t even there.

There was just her, and the wind.

---

Ah... so the Queen beyond the sea is changing. The Seer will be changed to another. How interesting... Though... suppose it was the time for it. This Seer had been around for a time longer than many would deem natural. Though... suppose... what even is natural?

What even is... aligned with the laws of nature?

Because even man-made things, are they not aligned with the laws? Aided and bent, but still made possible. Even nature makes and bends and twists, and if man is a product of nature, then would its creations also be natural?

Though... the thing, is no man. Not anymore, not quite...

And me, I ought not interfere. It would be rather counterproductive for all. But things are in motion. Just as the long-gone researchers of Old Micah would have willed it. Or perhaps not... just as they had willed it.

I wonder if they willed a thing. But rather, simply, strayed too far into things they thought they could make. Because if they can make it, then they should. That’s how they thought. That everything that can be made with their hands, mortal hands, is in accordance of the natural order. Because... if a creation of nature can make it, then it must be natural.

It is a curious thought.

One that I’ll have to ponder... with time... but on another time.

I wonder what the wanderer thinks? It’s been a while since I’ve seen Mrs. Indomita. But she is around. I know so. She comes and she goes.

Now I suspect she’s in her castle, in her solitude, locked away and keeping an eye that none come for her collection. Which... well, she reasons it. Tells me that it’s because in trying times, people will stray too far and meddle with things they ought not meddle with, which is why, extra care is needed. To make sure those items do not see the light of day, a place beyond her archive walls.

But... is it really the reason? And not her own wish to keep her collection intact? Or perhaps... it is both. Both reason and desire.

So many things to consider... and wonder... while the work never stops...

“[Your majesty?]”

Ah, the meeting. Nearly forgot about it.

---

The room, was silent. But not for the reasons it usually was silent. Not because one of the people in the room, wouldn’t have been allowed to speak.

After all, the walls were thick. Made of stone and metal and wood, embedded with crystals that neither of the people in the room could name.

But neither cared to name them either. Because it wasn’t important.

They didn’t think it had ever really been important for them, to name the stones. Instead, what had been important to them, was being able to be in that room, and talk. Just talk. About everything and anything.

Talk and laugh and grimace. But to do so together, rather than wallowing alone in the tides of their emotions. For a grimace shared is less of a burden, than one carried alone. Even one held, in silence, among friends, would feel less heavy, than one born in solitude.

And yet... the room, was far from light.

Instead, inside lingered a kind of suffocating fog of uncertainty that made the two, in the room, merely stare in front of themselves.

“[So... she’s... today is the day...]” Ad, concluded, more to himself than anyone else.

To which Celer nodded. Just nodded. With their head hanging low, and eyes... staring into nothingness.

“[And she wanted to be alone?]” He asked, just to be sure.

And Ler nodded. Just once, again. To simply confirm the matter.

Perhaps more to themselves, than to Ad. But that was up for a debate, on another time, another occasion. When times would be... again ... brighter. More carefree and good. When things wouldn’t be... as complicated as they seemed.

Though, one had to suspect, if it was in fact the opposite, and things were, in actuality, quite simple, at the end of the day. And time would only make them more complex, muddled and twisted.

‘Time gilds the memories’, or how they say? Might have been wrong.

“[It’s funny...]” Ad said, without an ounce of amusement in his tone. “[It feels like only yesterday... we were at the wedding and ... and now ... it’s..]” he trailed off, not sure how, or if, he should complete the sentence.

And Ler... they let their eyelids fall slowly, in a blink. Without a word, despite them being allowed to utter out worded syllables in that room. But they didn’t deem themselves good with words. Perhaps, if they had used them more, then they might.

Perhaps, in another time, another place, but not now, or here.

“[If... if only Fate... had been...]” Ad stopped, again, to choose a word that would suit the purpose, if there was one that would. If there was a word that he could used, for this. But it felt, as if he had only poor options from which to choose. And yet, he felt that he needed to choose one. “[Kinder.]” He finally uttered, which made Ler look to his direction.

Their eyes, lifted, little by little, slowly and carefully, from the nothingness, the void, that existed in the depths of that coffee table. And looked at Ad.

“[I mean... it was the Fates... that brought them together, right?]” He asked, but from whom, was left unanswered. “[So... you’d think that... the Fates would... find a way to... keep them, together, rather than... do this?]”

But the thing was, fate was a fickle thing. If it was sentient in the first place. Or a mere collection of chances, taken and un-taken. What was left, for those left dangling in that net of possibilities, rather than having fallen through it, was to make due with what they had. Or, perhaps, deem that it must’ve not been, simply, meant to be.

As easy as that.

Or then, there would be a chance. An event, of some kind, that would twist the wheels, turn the tides, set things in motion, that would make that which was encased in a crimson maple leaf of the Tree of Binding Fates, act as a prism, through which the light of the bright future might shine. And cast a reflection, onto the ground.

Now, would that reflection then be painted with nothing but with he very same shade and tone, as if blood scattered onto the ground? Or, would it be something completely different? None knew, because the Fates were a fickle thing.

[thundercrackfic]

Processing GO S2

It’s been two nights of poor sleep after watching Good Omens season 2. I have so many FEELINGS. I’m overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. It’s wild and even a little embarrassing to have so strong a reaction, but here we are. 

I wrote about my feelings below, and through the writing, I convinced myself that for my own mental health, I shouldn’t rewatch right away. I’m not leaving the fandom or anything -- despite these feelings, which I hope are temporary, I still love Good Omens and its wonderful, thoughtful, remarkably queer fans! I live here now! -- but I can’t handle watching again yet.

Spoilers below.

Being a scientist, I’m finding it useful to sort my feelings into categories and try to address each category individually.

First of all, I’m just SAD. Aziraphale and Crowley are my emotional support characters and the end of Season 2 left them in a very bad place: separated, isolated, miserable, and threatened with annihilation. While I understand the structure of trilogies and I have faith that the sequel that Gaiman and Pratchett plotted will reunite them, no such sequel has been greenlit, and the SAG-AFTRA strike and studio intransigence mean we won’t find out whether and when Amazon will actually produce a third season for the foreseeable future. So Aziraphale and Crowley are sad and I’m sad. I want to rewatch but I’m worried I’ll get even sadder. Since I have depression, this is actually a health risk to me.

I’m also angry, because the viewers were not given crucial information necessary to understand Aziraphale’s final decision. Yes, I understand what it means that this is the second act of a three-act story, but I’m still saying that this act’s story was incomplete. My main complaint is that we do not actually see Aziraphale’s full conversation with the Metatron, we only see what he reports to Crowley with lots of agitated hand-wringing. I love Aziraphale, but he is NOT a reliable narrator. The cut away from the conversation to Aziraphale’s proposition to Crowley, followed by the Metatron coming in and asking “how did he take it?” makes me certain that there are shenanigans afoot. Aziraphale is, at the very least, not telling the whole truth to Crowley, is lying about some part of that conversation either by omission or outright. For which I am sure he has good reasons, and I’m sure at least some of the reasons being discussed in endless metas will eventually be revealed as true, or close to true, when the third act comes out. But for now, we can’t know. Without witnessing the full conversation, I can’t possibly understand Aziraphale’s terrible choice, and I don’t have any hope of understanding Aziraphale’s motivation until such time as Gaiman tells the rest of this unfinished story. (Yes, I know Gaiman said he’d tell the story even if no third season is produced, and that promise is some comfort; but in the meantime we are in limbo.) I’m sure there are lots of clues and hints we’ll all pick out with rewatches, but it’s as if Season 1 ended with Crowley in Hell facing the bathtub and Aziraphale in Heaven walking toward hellfire. Sure, in hindsight the clues at the body swap are evident, but we couldn’t have known what canonically happened and there would have been lots of other theories and scenarios. Imagine having had to wait four years to find out whether and how they survived their trials? My anger won’t be salved by watching again.

There are things I disliked about Season 2 that, in my opinion, seem to contradict the story/character development as presented in Season 1. The big one is what I saw as a power imbalance between Crowley and Aziraphale that I didn’t see in Season 1. Not just the Throne?Dominion?Archangel? Crowley thing. Aziraphale was always slow, stubborn, in willful denial of things he didn’t want to look at, and Crowley always coaxing and tempting Aziraphale into change, yes. But in Season 1 Aziraphale also was a vast storehouse of wisdom who solved puzzles that 400 years of Devices couldn’t, and rules-lawyered Gabriel and Beelzebub into confusion (with Crowley not leading, just cheerleading) at the airbase. In Season 2 Aziraphale just seemed dim compared to Crowley on every dimension, not an equal party to their relationship at all. Aziraphale’s adorable in both seasons, but in this season he seemed infantilized in relation to Crowley, and not in a cute/funny (Jimbriel) way. While both he and Crowley had their idiot moments, Aziraphale’s weren’t balanced with brilliant moments, I felt. Like, his moral quandary in Edinburgh seemed far too simple to be so late in his character development, and both in history and in the present Crowley came across as professorial or even paternal in relation to him, which is a huge squick for me. Maybe this impression of power imbalance isn’t correct, and will change on rewatch. I hope so.

There are things I disliked about Season 2 that originate in conflicts with my own headcanons and/or story preferences. This, at least, is something I can work on, trying to recognize the stuff in my head that I couldn’t reasonably expect Season 2 to produce (or not produce) for me. For example, I really do not like all the hints at Crowley having been, and remaining, an especially powerful entity. I liked thinking of them as having equal unimportance, totally substitutible for each other despite their different “sides,” exemplified by the Arrangement, how easily they performed each other’s jobs. Reflecting now, I can admit that even in Season 1 Crowley clearly had a different status to Aziraphale -- he was chosen to deliver the Antichrist, after all, and demonstrated powers that Aziraphale didn’t (stopping time, sensing whether or not others were watching). So I should be able to reconcile that, with time. I also personally hate it when character conflict results from disastrously poor communication. This one, I recognize, is especially unfair to the source material, because it’s true that for all their conversation, they canonically aren’t great at telling each other anything important. (The most common theme of my comments on fanfic is “TALK TO EACH OTHER YOU WALNUTS!”) Even so, I’m still struggling with some of the character decisions this season because I don’t feel like they demonstrate the growth that especially Aziraphale underwent across Season 1. Other things that bugged me were Aziraphale’s gluttony scene (I’ve imagined 1001 scenarios for Aziraphale’s first taste of gross matter, and none of them featured anything like him gorging like a hyena on blackened ox ribs), and I was disappointed not to see more fluidity in Crowley’s gender presentation. All that stuff has to do with my own expectations, so I should be able to compartmentalize those and be at peace with Season 2 canon, with time.

I would like to watch again. I think it probably hurt my understanding of the story to have binged the six episodes in three days rather than watching them one a week. I didn’t really want to watch them that fast, but I felt pressured to watch quickly so I could participate in discussion with fandom friends. I’ve heard from some friends who had initially negative reactions that they’ve warmed up to it on rewatch, with a clearer understanding of the story that was being told. I want to rewatch and experience that. But the sadness and anger I’ll feel about the end of the season and the impossibility of my understanding it won’t go away on rewatch, I’m afraid. Not until the third act’s story arc is revealed along with the obscured elements of the second act’s story. And I’m not in a good enough place emotionally to willingly invite more sadness and anger into my head.

So I guess I’ve talked myself into not rewatching for a while, which itself makes me sad. But it’s what I need to do.

I love all you queers. To the world. 🍷

[nothingtherefornow]

I think Lila enjoys ruining the life of whoever is aware how much of a snake she is and actively trying to do something against it: Like in the episode you mentioned she threatened to put Sabrina in jail if she doesn't give her the proof and goes along with her lies.

Yep, I personally think Lila may see and consider the people around her in four possible ways (WARNING watch out there's seasons 5 spoilers in the third category):

First, there's the people Lila sees as guillible followers who can't resist her lies because it's "what they want to hear", and who often, if not always, give her what she wants : attention, admiration, and indirect help in ruining Marinette's life by always taking Lila's side (the classmates and teachers thus fit into this category) But Lila also doesn't care about hurting this category of persons if it means getting at her "ennemies", or if those persons become a threat or an obstacle to her plans

Second, there's the people Lila mostly think are on the same page as her, and whom she considers allies, like it was the case with Gabriel/Monarch before, and it's currently also happening with Chloé. Although Lila may considers Chloé to be her "true" and only friend because she doesn't need to use her lies with her, she just need to appeal to their shared toxic hatred against Maribug. But even this category of people isn't totaly spared from Lila's manipulations (she always find the right words for Gabriel and Chloé to do what Lila needs them to do)

Third, I think there's the people Lila may think that she guenuinly "loves", but in fact she mostly feels either attracted or attached to those people, but she couldn't care less about hurting them and abusing the trust they have in her. Kagami, Adrien, and Lila's "moms" fit in this category in my opinion. Lila seems to really think she's in love with Adrien (see the episode Onii-chan), but just like Gabriel she treats him as possession whose happiness is irrelevant to her. She mostly became "friend" with Kagami to get at Marinette and hurt her, and also probably because Kagami is someone rich, famous and pretty just like Adrien, and this is the kind of people Lila likes to be associated with. And to me, Lila's "mothers" are like trophies to her, she uses them for her falses identities, and to get further goods and nice attention, but she "likes" them enough to seem sad when one can't spend time with her (see the episode Onii-chan) and to learn sign langage for another (see the episode Revelation), and while I think Lila got close to Sabine to find another way to hurt Marinette, Revelation left me with the feeling that if Lila had the chance, she would definitely make Sabine one of her fake "mothers"

And finally fourth, there's the persons Lila hates or despises with all her being, the ones Lila sees as "ennemies", and whom she would gladly destroy (either by ruining their lives or killing them, yeah sound crazy but I'm sure Lila is insane enough to be capable of murder) wether it is persons who are aware of Lila's lies and refused to let her get away with it, or people she's jealous and envious of, or a combination of both. Marinette and Ladybug fit to this category. It doesn't matter if Ladybug apologized to Lila and saved her or that Marinette decided to leave Lila alone at some point and to no longer try to disprove her lies, Lila will always hold on to her petty spite and grudge, because she's just that crazy and toxic of an individual, the smallest offense or threat to her person will set her off.

Although Lila's hatred and jealousy toward Marinette seems to have turned into a worrying obsession, so I think Marinette is kinda a unique case for Lila

[legendfinder]

compare daniel mullins games to a christmas carol

This question was sent on October 10th, 2023. I meant to answer it during, yknow, Christmas. Well, you can guess what happened. But no matter! Here we are, exactly 1 month later. Pretend today is Christmas, ok?

One of the reasons why I think I put off answering this for so long is because I felt like I had to somehow match the quality of my earlier answer about Jacob Geller's archival video. Needless to say, I'm not going to do that. I'm too tired for that. I'll keep this short.

Of course, inevitable spoilers for Pony Island & The Hex & Inscryption.

The order I experienced Daniel Mullins' games was Pony Island, then Inscryption, then The Hex, and the feeling of having all those different things melge around in my brain for a while... It made me realize, after the fact, that it felt almost like a self-reflection of sorts. A strange bittersweet intervention, if you may. I felt like I was visited by the ghosts of *my* past, present, and future.

Pony Island was a game I watched Markiplier play years ago. I was still in middle school at the time, and... It left quite an impact on me. Perhaps younger me didn't quite realize how that game specifically left a mark on him, but that game had all the hallmarks of what I'd later internalize into my own personality. I love things that aren't as they seem on the surface; I love when it's possible to break something beyond what it's intended, to give yourself more agency than you should. I love content shifts, both in aesthetic and gameplay. The programming puzzles were just a cherry on top, as I had a big passion especially for block-based programming languages like Scratch. It was a perfect game for me, and probably shaped a good chunk of my ideas going forward. That game is the ghost of my past.

Then came Inscryption, which I only beat a few months ago. It was... Strange, seeing the KamWerks videos, after having created a similar experience myself for the Moon ARG not too long ago. Just like Pony Island, the familiar hallmarks returned; a game going deeper than it advertises, a game that seems to "break", a game that shifts its tone and form several times over. Except this time, it didn't necessarily seem to shape me as much as Pony Island; I played the game specifically because these hallmarks would be there. This type of game *is* what I already was, and I loved it for that. And, er, the robot was also the cherry on top. Just saying. The game is a ghost of my present self.

Before I talk about the Hex, there's something about Inscryption I noticed only because it reminded me of my own creative process. See, the game to me felt like Daniel Mullins wanted to make a card game, went "hm. how many ways can I make a card game?" and just accepted every answer. It was as if he had some sort of bucket labeled CARD GAME IDEAS that he just dropped any sort of shit into, and managed to make a coherent game out of that. That is... Exactly what I do, too. I create categories of buckets and let them gradually fill up over time, stringing them into coherent objects at a later point once it feels fully formed, although by that point it'll also have gathered a whole heck of a lot of extra bits. It isn't necessarily a good or bad thing, but... Y'know. It felt surreal.

Lastly... The Hex. The Hex is a game that wasn't fully on my radar, and I only decided to play it because of its ties to Inscryption (that's important, keep that in mind). Remember those Mullinsisms I mentioned before? Deep games, breaking things, content shifts? This game is that, in full fucking force. This wasn't just one bucket, no no no; This feels like an entire fucking brewery of different ideas. How many things can I make for an RPG? A tactics game? A fighting game? A fucking top-down shooter?? It's absurd how rapidfire this game is. I feel like every single emotion a human can experience is in there somewhere. I'm probably in there somewhere. Well, I am, in a sense.

The one thing that led me to create this connection between Daniel Mullins and a christmas carol (yes, I asked callie to ask me this question, fuck you) was... The ending of The Hex. The very, very, self-indulgent and meta ending of The Hex. The ending that also features Daniel Mullins (or "Lionel Snill", which, come on. That is literally just Daniel Mullins' name distorted) getting strangled by his own game. Consumed by it, literally, but also figuratively. The game, by virtue of this ending, has partly become a commentary on his journey to try and make a suitable follow-up to Pony Island.

I am a very self-indulgent person. Like I said in the last answered ask, I have a google drive of everything I ever made. I hold a lot of what I make up to a weird museum-like pedestal, and because of that I also tend to reference a lot of my earlier works in future ones. Remember those connections between Inscryption and The Hex? It's not enough for the games to be purely standalone experiences, they must also exist in a larger shared universe. Almost everything I made now exists in the Elemental Realm somewhere. A larger shared universe inhabited by self-inserts of varying degrees (there's something to be said about how everything in a story universe is a self-insert in a sense, but that's another post entirely). A place where every single idea I can ever have is crammed into one giant overarching narrative. I assign past ideas to new situations, often on a whim, just to see how they'd feel there.

To best understand my works now, it's better to understand me as a person.

...

One of the main antagonists of the Elemental Realm is a trickster clown with murky ambitions, although the true villain ends up being the author self-insert.

..

The Elemental Realm will end with a character escaping the universe and confronting the authors directly.

.

The Hex is the ghost of my future, and I don't know how I feel about that.

==============================================

Oh, did I say I was gonna make this post short? My bad.

There's a few nuances I wish I could hammer out but uhhhh brain fog. I'm making a lot of assumptions about Daniel Mullins' intentions for the sake of narrative; it's not like Lionel is *actually* a 100% Daniel Mullins self-insert, or that Mullins is actually just dumping every idea he has into one game. There are just little details that viscerally remind me of the way I'm personally going about things, and that's mainly what I wanted to make the post about.

Anywho, there's 2 minutes left until christmas is over. Signing off.