#I need to save for bills and to take care of my car and stuff

[revenantghost]

I feel so bad for the folks who bought those figures at $500 a pop in the last year or so, but also I deeply understand because those guys are banger

[bladeofthestars]

.

[bitchesgetriches]

{ MASTERPOST } Everything You Need to Know about How to Pay off Debt

Understanding debt:

Let’s End This Damaging Misconception About Credit Cards

Season 2, Episode 10: “Which Is Smarter: Getting a Loan? or Saving up to Pay Cash?”

Dafuq Is Interest? And How Does It Work for the Forces of Darkness?

Investing Deathmatch: Paying off Debt vs. Investing in the Stock Market

How to Build Good Credit Without Going Into Debt

Dafuq Is a Down Payment? And Why Do You Need One to Buy Stuff?

It’s More Expensive to Be Poor Than to Be Rich

Making Decisions Under Stress: The Siren Song of Chocolate Cake

How Mental Health Affects Your Finances

Paying off debt:

Kill Your Debt Faster with the Death by a Thousand Cuts Technique

Share My Horror: The World’s Worst Debt Visualization

The Best Way To Pay off Credit Card Debt: From the Snowball To the Avalanche

The Debt-Killing Power of Rounding up Bills

A Dungeonmaster’s Guide to Defeating Debt

How to Pay Hospital Bills When You’re Flat Broke 

Ask the Bitches Pandemic Lightning Round: “What Do I Do If I Can’t Pay My Bills?” 

Slay Your Financial Vampires

Season 4, Episode 3: “My credit card debt is slowly crushing me. Is there any escape from this horrible cycle?” 

Case Study: Held Back by Past Financial Mistakes, Fighting Bad Credit and $90K in Debt 

Student loan debt:

What We Talk About When We Talk About Student Loans

Ask the Bitches: “The Government Put Student Loans in Forbearance. Can I Stop Paying—or Is It a Trap?”

How to Pay for College without Selling Your Soul to the Devil

When (and How) to Try Refinancing or Consolidating Student Loans

Ask the Bitches: I Want to Move Out, but I Can’t Afford It. How Bad Would It Be to Take out Student Loans to Cover It?

Season 4, Episode 4: “I’m $100K in Student Loan Debt and I Think It Should Be Forgiven. Does This Make Me an Entitled Asshole?” 

The 2022 Student Loan Forgiveness FAQ You’ve Been Waiting For

2023 Student Loan Forgiveness Update: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly 

Our Final Word on Student Loan Forgiveness 

Avoiding debt:

Ask Not How Much You Should Save, Ask How Much You Should Spend 

How to Make Any Financial Decision, No Matter How Tough, with Maximum Swag

Your Yearly Free Medical Care Checklist

Two-Ring Circus 

Status Symbols Are Pointless and Dumb 

Advice I Wish My Parents Gave Me When I Was 16 

On Emergency Fund Remorse… and Bacon Emergencies

Should You Increase Your Salary or Decrease Your Spending? 

Don’t Spend Money on Shit You Don’t Like, Fool

The Magically Frugal Power of Patience

The Only Advice You’ll Ever Need for a Cheap-Ass Wedding 

The Most Impactful Financial Decision I’ve Ever Made… and Why I Don’t Recommend It 

3 Times I Was Damn Grateful for My Emergency Fund (and Side Income) 

Buy Now Pay Later Apps: That Old Predatory Lending by a Crappy New Name 

Credit Card Companies HATE Her! Stay Out of Credit Card Debt With This One Weird Trick 

Ask the Bitches: Should I Get a Loan Even Though I Can Afford To Pay Cash? 

The Bitches vs. debt:

I Paid off My Student Loans Ahead of Schedule. Here’s How.

I Paid off My Student Loans. Now What?

Hurricane Debt Weakens to Tropical Storm Debt, but Experts Warn It’s Still Debt

The Real Story of How I Paid Off My Mortgage Early in 4 Years

Case Study: Swimming Upstream against Unemployment, Exhaustion, and $2,750 a Month in Unproductive Spending 

That’s all for now! We try to update these masterposts periodically, so check back for more in… a couple… months??? Maybe????

[c0rvusx2]

Wolf-ji 🤡

Toji x fem!reader

17+: Toji being a perv, swearing, described nudity I think. Somewhat creepy ig, he likes watching you do stuff. No smut, but it’s kinda spicy. Use of 2nd POV (you, your) rather than 3rd (she,her).

Notes: Keep in mind that he has the mind of a human, so don’t take it wrong 🤝 This man is my brain rot 🤤 lmk if I need to raise the age warning

Genre: Fluff/Crack, spicy idk

Toji had no fucking clue where he was. He expected hell to be… a lot less looking like a city alleyway. He tried to lift himself, rather than feeling like his legs they were bent at an uncomfortable looking angle. Pain flared in his left arm, he bent his head to see a bullet wound, a nasty one that kept on bleeding.

“The fuck?” He stretched as best he could, looking around for some sort of item that would give him his reflection. Luckily, there was a abandoned mirror, cracked and without purpose. Toji began to limp over to the reflector, his legs stiff rather than it’s normal nimble movements.

“Oh fuckin’ hell-“

Okay, so maybe going grocery shopping late at night might be a bad idea—especially since there’ll be all sorts of creeps walking around. Not to mention it’s freezing out there, but it’s too late. You’ve already stepped out of the store and onto the empty sidewalk, and if this was the Wild West there’d be tumble weeds rolling from view. You shiver, beginning your journey back to the safe confines of your home.

The store you frequented was your favorite, and the farthest… so to save time you’d take shortcuts through alleyways. Today would be the first time you were doing it late at night.

You stare into the darkness of the passageway in front of you, anxiety bubbling in your stomach. “Quick… nice and quick…” you hype yourself up before storming ahead, using a quick pace to get you to the other side. The deeper you went, the darker it became and soon the only thing illuminating the alley was the clouded moonlight from above.

From ahead of you, you suddenly see a pair of eyes, gazing right back at you with a stern emerald green color.

You screamed as the eyes began to rapidly get closer, accompanied by the sounds of claws hitting against the ground. You dodged, reversing yourself and pressing your back to the alleyway’s wall. A harsh tug came from your grocery bag, which almost ripped your arm right off your torso. Muffled growling came from the creature that was trying to steal your food. Luckily, you recognized the creature that was attacking you, it was some dumb dog.

This made you enraged and frustrated, this shit costed you a good chunk of the money saved from the leftovers after you payed bills—and the bills around here ain’t cheap.

“Bitch!-“

🌌

Toji is one lucky bastard. Perhaps this was god giving him a 2nd chance at life- their weird way of dishing out redemption.

Somehow, he was able to worm his way into the chick-he-was-about-to-rob’s heart. Life’s good for the man-turned-wolf, he’s got free food, a roof to live under, and no rent to pay. A bargain in his mind. The only downside being he won’t be able to fuck around anymore, and he sure as hell is NOT gonna fuck a dog.

You felt bad for the dog, the moment you saw it’s form when you scrambled out the alleyway. It wasn’t scrawny, but it wasn’t very lean either. It had a scar present on the right side of it’s mouth, sharp green eyes and dirty matte black fur. It sustained a limp arm, a recent wound most likely the reason why it didn’t go all out on you.

You couldn’t really just walk away from a hurt animal, the guilt would eat you up the moment you turned your back. You were also studying to be a vet, moments like this were what you meant for. So you left some food, ran home to fetch a med kit, and returned with your car.

Here you were now, caring for one big ass dog who kept stealing your food—even though you bought him his own food.

You named him Toji, mainly because that scar on the dogs mouth was hella familiar to the Toji you fawned over in Jujutsu Kaisen. He looked at you weirdly when you said that, but snorted a moment later and stalked off to your TV set.

The strange thing about him was that he apparently knew how to operate cable TV, which amazed you yet weirded you out at the same time.

You noticed Toji naps a lot, and wakes up whenever you turn on Netflix. He’ll eagerly sit next to you, sometimes snacking (read stealing) popcorn whenever you make some.

For some reason he likes tuning in whenever you play any anime episodes, especially Jujutsu Kaisen. Whenever Fushiguro comes onto screen Toji’s fluffy tail begins to wag a bit, which you giggle at. He’ll catch you looking and snap at you, which causes you to furthermore laugh at. In the end he’ll end up tackling you onto the couch.

🌌

Toji often feels bored in your household. Nothing really for him to do since he’s apparently a dog now. Nothing to do other than follow you into the bathroom whenever you’re going to shower, keeping a keen eye on every curve of your body. Nothing to do other than watch the fat of your ass lower into his view when you have to bend over to clean up a mess you of him might’ve made.

Nothing to do other than create smutty fantasies of you in his head from when he was human, imagining what your cute little moans would sound like with you under him. Nothing to do other than watch your tits bounce whenever you two go out for a jog in the early morning. Nothing to do other than take a nap between your legs, resting his head on your stomach or between your breast whenever he can. Nothing to do but wish your pretty lips were wrapped around his cock instead of that popsicle you were sucking on a hot summer day.

Toji was a lucky bastard. And lucky bastards get what they want.

🌌

“Toji? Toooojiiii, breakfast! Where’d the hell you go?” You called out, turning the house upside down as you looked for him.

“Toji?” The only place you haven’t looked was the guest bathroom, and currently the door was closed shut. You could hear shuffling from inside, which made you wonder how the dog could’ve closed the door. Without warning, you swiftly pulled open the door.

“What’s going on in her-“ You stopped mid sentence, mouth agape at the figure who stood in front of your bathroom’s vanity. You both stared each other down, your eyes blown wide open while his were glued to yours without emotion. It was a stare down for what seemed like ages, until the familiar man broke the silence.

“What?”

You screamed, and you wished it was without the s because it was embarrassing. He flinched at your volume and seemed to disappear for millisecond, only to return right in front of you, hand on your mouth.

“Jesus Christ- I know you’re a loud mouthed brat but now’s not the time to scream yer’ lungs out,” He huffed, “You can do that later,” The man smirked, you could feel your face flush a bit. After a sec, he hesitantly let go of your mouth. Your mouth was left agape again as Hulu blinked wildly in disbelief at the hulking man in front of you.

“I- wait a fucking second… where’s my dog!?” The man just deadpanned at you, you took this time to eye him up and down. His skin tight shirt had a massive part of it missing on it’s left side, dark splotches of blood surrounding it. The familiar man, however, seemed completely fine.

“C’mon, is it not obvious!?”

“No!? It’s not possible for some anime character to come to life!?” At this you dashed out the room, running into the kitchen to nab your phone to call 911. Before you could even pick it up from the counter, the phone was snatched at lightning speed.

“Hey-!” You whipped around, immediately meeting a stone hard chest.

You were trapped.

“What do I gotta do to prove ‘m real, huh?”

💫

Omfg this is so ooc 💀 writing in character is hard.

If anyone’s confused Toji died and reincarnated into a dead dog’s body that looks exactly like him. During the night get went back to the jjk dimension, shibuya happens, and he returns back human.

Not proofread 🤡

[saddlepunk]

Saddlepunk's Hittin' the Trail Fund

(or: im finally leaving my shitty house but Moving is Expensive)

HI HELLO i just dropped $750 on an apartment :'D i've got a better paying job and a delightful partner to split rent with and very soon ill have a car to drive (temporarily while i find one to buy), which should save me a couple hundred bucks a month on rides to work. I'm SO close to having my shit together and being just like. okay for a bit. but i'm hoping for a little help til then.

Move-in isn't until November 7th, and in the meantime I'm dropping a lot of money on move in day essentials mostly cookware/dishes/cutlery at this stage bc somehow all we own between us is cups plus some of the assorted set up fees for internet/power/etc. I'm trying to get it waived but i'm probably gonna have to eat at least $250 on a pet deposit for my cat as well.

Mostly i need help covering rides to/from work while i take care of the rest of this stuff. uber prices around here fluxtuate pretty wildly, and as of late its been ~$17 a ride which. hurts. i should have at least a borrowed car by move in day, but until then im cutting it close most paychecks with bills + rides + pre move in costs.

if youre able, my pp is mapletownmopdog(at)gmail(dot)com, or if you prefer to go through kofi its /snailpups. Even a couple dollars helps, or just passing this around if you can!

thank you ;w;/

[hazellum]

Help a broke, disabled trans guy afford testosterone and escape an abusive situation

Hi. It's me. The broke trans guy.

So. You all probably know me as the guy who reblogs Color of the Sky every. Damn. Day. I uh. I have a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes that a lot of you don't know about.

For starters, I recently turned 18. I have been planning on ditching my abusive parents as soon as I hit my birthday. I had a whole big plan that included starting taking writing and art commissions a lot more heavily, getting a WFH job, stuff like that. Thing is, this all requires a working computer. Something I have not had, at this point, for months. I'm currently typing this from my phone while dissociating 👍

I would have liked to get an in-person job, but my parents Lost My Social Security Card and I couldn't get one on my own, being a minor, so I had to wait until very recently to get a replacement card, at which point I could finally get my learners permit. At this point, I'm not going to be able to legally drive on my own without an adult family member in the car supervising until February, maybe March. Because of this, I can't drive myself to work. I had planned on Walking to work, but in the last few months my chronic pain has gotten exponentially worse to the point I now need a cane day-to-day. I obviously cannot walk a couple miles every day just to get to work.

Because of my medical conditions, I have severe dietary restrictions. My parents don't much care for this, and despite there always being food in the house I often go hungry. I am also just sometimes Not Allowed to Eat, and regularly get screamed at for things such as Needing a Mobility Aid and. Existing in a way they don't like.

I have no funds, and I need to start saving so I can escape to college next semester. I'm starting work on my degree for funeral science. I also need money for a new computer, and testosterone. I need food. I need to pay medical bills which are starting to rack up.

Please. share this post. If you can give, give. I need out of here, and so many things besides. A computer and testosterone are my first goals, because with a computer I have more options to earn money. I want to work, I just can't currently.

I wish I didn't have to beg like this. I also wish my PayPal didn't have my dead name but yayy haven't been able to get it changed yet.

I wish I didn't go to bed hungry so often.

[sailor-cerise]

Since I don't see exhaustive examples of what types of support low support needs might entail, I've put mine below. The vast majority of my struggles are from my autism, but my physical disabilities and ADHD also contribute.

The reason I share this is to help people think more deeply about what "supports" means, and understand the different support levels.

Examples of tasks I need significant help with:

Handling any maintenance or repair tasks. I can and have done things like called a plumber, but I cry afterwards and am shaky and on edge the entire time they are on the phone or in my room/house. I have the capacity to do this a few times a year, spread far apart, which is typically much lower than the number of times I need this done. This includes car maintenance, which my partner helps me with.

Doing my taxes. I literally cry while downloading my W2 for my partner to do our taxes, and have had a panic attack because I needed to find an email receipt for tax purposes.

Paying a bill. Best case scenario it's something I can pay online, but I still cannot do more than one at a time and greatly benefit from emotional and logistical support.

Any other financial stuff: transferring money between accounts, managing investments, etc. I log into my accounts and my partner does things for me. I recently gave them access to most accounts now so they can do this without the first step and this one is scary to me but has been so so beneficial. We've been together about 15 years and they always ask permission and tell me specifics. Be careful who you trust with this if you have any choice.

House cleaning. I can do more than my severely physically disabled mother could when I was growing up, but not much. My partner also struggles here but we help each other.

Making decisions. I can decide what to eat and things related to my special interests (e.g. what book to read) for myself, but I really struggle deciding what color of sheets to get, alternatives to grocery brands when one is out of stock, how to cut my hair, which route to take while driving, which parking space to use, etc. and truly cannot do anything bigger (color to paint the kitchen, replacement water heater brand). I will completely shut down.

Examples of things I can do mostly independently (after having put in lasting supports with help from my partner and/or with significant effort). This is what makes me low support needs rather than medium: I can do these things.

Buy groceries (I order online and pickup curbside)

Make food for myself (I cannot reliably prepare food for anyone else)

Shower (I have a blue tooth speaker that I have a hard time showering without, and am able to shower 1-3 times a week)

Driving (sometimes I cannot drive due to physical issues)

Make and attend doctor's appointments (this one is mostly practice and saving up energy for it. I haven't been able to get support for this)

Take my medications (I have set up various systems that work well for me)

Renewing my prescriptions and picking them up (this is super hard and draining and I wish I had more supports for it, but it's something my partner struggles with too)

Working. I have so many accomodations here it's a separate long post. This includes work-related communication (often quite complex)

Ambulating. Sometimes I cannot walk more than a few steps. This is not from my autism.

Changing clothes. I hate doing this and would do it way less often than is appropriate if I did not have a partner that would be bothered by that

Brush my teeth. Oohhh boy this one took me most of my 33 years to sort out, and needed help from one of my best friends. Children's unsweetened toothpaste and ultra soft brushes are essential.

Flossing my teeth. Specific brand and type of floss, one in every room, and I'm actually good at it then. Really really proud of this one.

Brushing my hair. It's a whole Thing for me and I don't do it as often as I should but I can do it.

Making plans with friends or family. This is really hard and my mother helped me with it until she died and now I have some friends who are able to support me in this and I so appreciate them. My partner handles family plans mostly because most of my family is dead or lives very far away.

Speaking on the phone or in writing outside of work contexts. This is very very hard for me. I can do in person okay.

Socializing. This is very very hard for me but I do like it sometimes and have worked hard my whole life to be good at it. I tend to get along with people in a shallow manner.

Going into a crowded space. I need hearing protection (earplugs or headphones), and cannot do it for long periods. I handle it much better when I have a person with me, but hit my limit quickly.

Things I can do most days with no supports (most bADLs):

Basic in-person verbal communication, including limited quantities of small talk

Small purchases (cup of coffee, new book, etc.)

Toileting and continence

Going to bed and waking up

Remembering to eat and the act of eating

Drinking water

Get some gentle exercise of some sort, even just stretching in bed

Participate in one of my special interests. Any limitations here are usually from my physical disabilities, though I've lost this ability during autistic burnout before.

I am also fortunate to be capable of dealing well with emergencies (car accidents, injuries, de-escalation of a dangerous situation, pet emergencies, flooding), though like most people I break down if there are too many in a row. This isn't on any of the IADL lists I've seen, but I personally think it should be.

Reference:

[krikeymate]

I was thinking about Christina being absent a lot of the time, especially after Sam left, and it raised the question:

How does Tara take care of herself in the years between Sam leaving and coming back? Christina wasn't really present, so who bought groceries and stuff like that? Did Tara have to get a job? She wouldn't have been able to for several years because of her age, so did Christina just give her money every so often?

I imagine that her friends and their families helped out a lot, but at the same time I can't really see Tara accepting too much help (or even telling them to begin with), especially from adults/parents.

What are your thoughts?

I've mentioned here:

By the time their father left, Christina did nothing except drop off an envelope of money on the counter monthly and pay the bills. Sam learns to forge her mother’s signature to sign off on Tara’s medical needs

In my head, Sam leaving doesn't change that; Christina keeps to the routine. She pays the bills and leaves money on the counter.

We do know Tara does have a job at one point, at least the summer before senior year, because that's where she met Liv (and Vince). I imagine she did that to get experience and to start having some freedom of her own - she would have been 19 at that point. And no doubt to begin saving up in case her mother decides to kick her out. She's so unpredictable, Tara never knows what mood she'll be in: the one where she screams at her and calls her a parasite, or the one where she weeps in her arms telling her to never leave her.

I think Tara would have spent a lot of time around friends' houses - she doesn't like to be alone. Martha and Judy are always encouraging their kids to bring Tara around, always trying to look out for her - especially straight after Sam leaves, knowing that her mother wouldn't be around. They could offer her dinner, a sleepover, some snacks - but she won't accept more. No money, no clothes, no help at home. Tara shuts down the slightest hint of that. Judy helps Tara learn to drive, she allows that. She could never afford a car or the insurance, but she appreciates that she took the time to teach her anyway. Hicks feels especially protective of Tara, she could never help Sam. She feels bad that she couldn't intervene early enough to help prevent that descent, too busy trying to help Dewey with his.

[theradicalscrivener]

Good gnus bad gnus time.

I pulled an all nighter earlier this week and knocked out the finale for CDE. All totalled it's like 13 or 14 chapters plus an epilogue. It was def a labor of love and I'm glad to be done with it. Now I can go back to writing other topics that people enjoy.

Life update: everything's fucked.

The parentals have been dragging me out of bed early all week with random demands. Drive my mom to the doctor. Deal with a repair guy they hired but weren't able to be there for the visit. Sometimes they just call me at ass early o clock to tell me to wake up because no one should sleep so late even tho I sleep so late because nighttime is the only time I feel safe to be active. It's when I do all my writing and gaming because a) work actually leaves me alone and b) I don't (normally) have family barging into my room without knocking at 3 am.

I'm currently kinda stressed about funds ATM. I blew all my savings and my last months paycheck repairing my car. Over the past few months I've been sinking more and more money into it to get it running. What started as a small warning light Digivolves into needing massive electrical work.as well as getting the entire ABS system replaced. All totaled I spent over 10k on it. I did some shopping for a new(?) Car but with interests rates as they are most dealers were offering 15% apr which is insane. So I decided to get my car running and see if I can keep it alive long enough for the market to turn around.

The good gnus is that I got it running and it seems to be working fine. Just in time for me to have to go on a road trip for work which will require me having to pay for mileage and room and board out of pocket with the hopes of maybe getting refunded some of it.

On top of that I've been paying for more and more stuff for work out of pocket with the promise that I will be reimbursed, but there's no telling when or if that will happen. So there's a few k there. Also my work hasn't paid me for May yet because the big boss is upset about the way the sites are being run and has not approved payroll until he finishes his inspection which will take a few weeks.

On top of this, I had a $3k tax bill due which I paid back in April. In may the gummint sent me almost all of it back as a tax refund. I used this money to pay for the aforementioned car. Earlier this month they sent me a notice saying that the refund was an error and now I owe all the money they refunded plus late fees and interest for not paying my taxes on time.

This is all on the tail end of surviving the semester from hell. I can't remember if I mentioned this here but I was in a class that the one entire course was structured around "group work". Well I got stuck with a group that didn't do anything and so I had to do it all by myself. I did the work of five people while holding down a full time job+.

Anyways on the writing front. I have a few chapters of CDE to post and a new Lumen chapter. But I realize those stories arent the kinda thing my core audience cares about. I've been struggling to find the time and energy to actually post anything because even after I finish writing and edits it's still at least an hour of work to format stuff for html and then share them online.

[beardedmrbean]

Wait wasn’t it the boomers that preach to us this “We need to save the world!” shit? I mean would could have better eco system if wasn’t for say

1. The US, USSR/China piss competition that was the Cold War

2. SEVERAL countries being fucked over thanks to the push of communism/US meddling/ etc and many of those countries are still recovering from it.

3. I mean in the west developed countries, people have fucking meltdowns over a Japan McDonald’s wholesome family tweet. So our family unit need some fixing

4. Manufactured nihilism, so a lot of people don’t give about themselves much less the environment.

5. Have corporations that being run by medically confirmed sociopaths.

I can say more, but Greta sweetie, I know you want to do good, but blaming the older generation thinking many were hellbent on destroying the earth isn’t so simple. Many do/did want to save the world, but we have to deal with the fallout of ww2, communist dumbasses, and so much more with humanity itself before we can do the ideal environmentalism.

Was confused for a moment till I remembered I'd scheduled that one, was gonna run it yesterday but I had to get around the subscription wall which is more complicated than a paywall.

In the end just archiving it works but the links in the article don't work if you do that, which is what I had to do.

It's not even the stuff you're mentioning up there either. I had a 1966 Plymouth Fury III there was this weird green plastic thing with a device inside it and a couple vacuum hoses attached to it, one in one out.

Primitive Smog control device, if you never worked on older cars that were manufactured for sale in California you'll never see one, but every vehicle sold in CA had a smog control device for the longest time, all changed when the auto industry realized it was cheaper to just do the same thing to every car, it's something that's been going on since before I was even born though, so current generation isn't the first to care or take action.

Been lots of missteps along the way, the shift from paper bags to plastic ones at grocery stores is a big one, people thought it would save the trees and it didn't do much there and now we've got a totally different problem.

Hole in the ozone layer on the other hand, we got that issue taken care of and it's on the mend, has been since long before gretta was born too.

National parks predate my grandparents, thanks Teddy, leaving large swaths of land alone for the purpose of conservation.

My grandparents when they got their pool installed in the early 80's had a big fat solar water heater installed so it could heat the water for that as well as the water for the house, weren't super common but they existed and were in use by people who wanted to both be nice to the earth and lower their gas bill at the same time.

Nearly all of the solutions being discussed by the young climate weekend warriors involve technology developed for the purpose they want it used for before they were born.

I'm just dandy with people wanting to save the earth, I've been trying to do my part for decades now, which I would appreciate it if gretta and co would acknowledge instead of acting like they're the first people ever to give a damn.

Several centuries of damage all culminating at the peak of the industrial revolution that we need to undo, that takes time and being a snobby, whiny, self important, twit who bashes everyone who came before her, who's shoulders she's standing on, doesn't do anything real.

And quite possibly does more harm than good.

Not going to totally blame her though, she did start out as a pawn on someone else's game and to some extent she still is.

[aitavoting]

AITA for not letting my dad hold my daughter?

Alright, so I'm young I'm 19M and I have a daughter "Deliah" who's 1 year old. Yes, I had her young, as I and my gf messed up.  My gf didn't want to take care of Deliah, which is whatever and I cannot change that. So I'm basically a single dad. I love Deliah, she is my life. She means everything to me, and I'd give a life and take a life for my baby. That's how much I love her. She's my world.

When i informed my mom & dad that i had a daughter and i introduced my baby girl to my parents. , my dad's first move was to run upstairs and barge in my room grab all my stuff and go to the door and throw it out on the ground, he then pointed outside and yelled, and snapped his finger "GET OUT RIGHT NOW!" my mom was crying telling my dad "no let him stay let him stay, we finally have some good news, etc" and my mom was happy about my daughter as the last few years in our family, was not good. So announcing a new family member on the way brought a smile to my mom.

My dad put all my belongings outside, while I held Deliah on my shoulder. I grabbed my stuff and left. I then walked to my local motel holding Deliah and we stayed there for a few days, till i figured out what i need to do and everything. It was rough. I didn't have enough money, and I had a daughter but I knew that i have to give my baby girl a good life regardless. I called my best friend "Deandre" who then gave my number to "John" and a lady named "Janice" who runs a daycare at her house which was super cheap so i could drop deliah off before work

John owns a small warehouse. He offered me a job for $14/hr and he hooked me up with one of his connections to offer me a small studio apartment for cheap. So the baby was taken care of at daycare, and i got a job. I worked daily, and using the money i had after taking care of Deliah, the bills, etc. I started saving it up and whatever i saved i started a business. I started an e-commerce arbitrage-based business which took a lot of work and months. A lot of time, and money was lost but i eventually succeeded and my life changed completely. Moved into a new apartment, bought a car, got the best for my baby, and changed my lifestyle. Now i'm living good, i get to work from home. Take care of my daughter and life is amazing.

I recently invited mom to my new home to see her granddaughter, and she was excited and came over instantly i open the door and it's my dad with mom. I ignore dad, and let my mom meet deliah and hold her. dad wanted to hold her and i said no. Don't touch my daughter.

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[definitely-dreaming]

on privilege

A little bit about my story, I was living out in Colorado when I switched apartments. I lost my job shortly before moving residences so I picked up a lesser-paying job than my original one that I had kept for three years at the city hospital. I became unable to pay my bills, and had to break my lease and put all of my stuff into a storage unit. 

Fast forward, I moved back to the Midwest to live with my family. I’m indigenous to the Arctic Circle, and my mom is white. She was raised in one of the richest zip codes in the nation, and was so privileged that she did not think that not going to college was an option after high school. That’s how well-to-do her high school was. So anyway, I’ve moved back in with my mom and my little sister, and the tension is very high. I was accustomed to living by myself. I enjoyed living by myself. It was a blessing to be able to live in a big city and have my own apartment.

I had obtained my master’s degree but had to go back to work as a CNA. It was horrible. I spent a year working as a CNA so that I had could pay back credit card debt, pay back my lease, etc. And I was stuck doing nothing for the majority of the time. My life did not feel meaningful or good. It was miserable. So then I switched professions. I entered school to become a BCBA, and worked as a behavior technician for two companies. I held my one job for a year as a behavior technician, and it was part time. I spent most of my time on my phone. It was also miserable. It was not meaningful. So I realized that to actually care about what I was studying, I might as well go full time. And that brings me to my comments on privilege.

I had the opportunity to go back to grad school, to earn good grades, and to potentially set myself up for a career that earns $65k-75k a year. I had the privilege of working in the field and keeping a job that paid me $27 an hour to work with a kid whom I just mostly ran through basic questions with and sat on my phone for the entire time with. That brings about the need for attitude change. If I’m really going to pursue becoming a BCBA, I really need to make the switch into a serious mode of being involved with the clients that I’m working with. And honestly, having a master’s degree already that I wasn’t even using was a disgrace. I ended up getting a job as a social worker at a local nursing facility, and I’ve been here six months. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs. It makes me feel really afraid that I’m going to lose my job. Every day I’m afraid I’m going to go back to working as a CNA, wiping ass and never using my degree. I’ve held this job for six months, but I’m still scared of losing it. I’m constantly afraid of job insecurity. I depend on this job to save back up to move to Colorado. I’m planning on leaving in six months. 

That brings me to privilege. I have the ability to pass as white, since I do look white, and I have my master’s degree. I am educated and well rounded, and I have a lot going for me in terms of my ambitions and drive. My housing is paid for (my family takes care of it, and I don’t pay anything) and that means a lot. I go to a nonprofit that supplies my food. I got a free car from the nonprofit because I needed it even though I make $45k a year. I definitely know that I’m privileged and acknowledge that privilege. It just feels like there could be more when I should just be satisfied with my job and feel good that I’ve kept it this long. Somehow it doesn’t feel like I’m getting compensated enough. But that’s privilege talking. Beggars can’t be choosers.

[numetaljackdog]

what i'm listening to 6/8/2023 (song notes under cut)

spot. link//yt link

Laura Les - Haunted: haunted. by laura les.

Death Grips - Hacker: nothing super unique to say about it other than that it's genuinely just one of the best songs. like probably ever. we know this

Limp Bizkit - Clunk: smiles. it's me. clunk is nowhere near my favorite song on three dollar bill y'all but it's like. the best of the bad songs. it never could have been a single bc it doesn't have the strength and the hook is wimpy as fuck but i have fun with it :) i like the part where fred says clunk a bunch of times and i like the breakdown :) come closer i am normal about this album

Ada Rook - TRU U (Live at ELECTROPUNKz 2023): ah, rook's performance at electropunkz. another thing that i am normal about. i believe i've professed my love for the album this song is from before, so i'll save that ramble, but i had a lot of fun with the live ep here. and tru u is such a fucking banger i love every second of it, from the silly anime sample at the beginning to the little pause in the last chorus where the word "death" intrudes. i've said before: ada rook makes the music that i wish i made. this remains true

Danny Burstein & Jessica Hecht - Do You Love Me?: i've had Theatre on the Brain for the past week or so, which led me to listen to the soundtrack to a show that my high school did (although i didn't work on that show myself, i knew people who did). fiddler on the roof is a good show imo, and while i don't really feel qualified to talk about some of the more complex subject matter of a lot of the play, this song is relatively accessible and also drives me a little crazy. i just can't get over the careful, straight-faced profession of love between two characters who never considered before that their marriage might be anything more than a practical and social necessity. it's a tribute to the fact that sometimes love is unglamorous, sometimes it's really as bland as spending all your time with someone just because they're there and while that might not be the fairy tale we all like to imagine, it doesn't make the love worthless. tevye and golde SAY that it doesn't change a thing, but i don't think we're meant to believe them. it doesn't change their often grim material lives and daily realities, true, but i like to think that knowing there's love between them will make the rest of their days just that tiny bit sweeter. i'm so normal about this

Nirvana - Pennyroyal Tea (Live on MTV Unplugged): links to this post. it's just so crazy to me. we had five or so years of kurt cobain screeching the most agonized poetry the music industry has ever seen, cutting through the bullshit of shiny happy pop music and voicing the blood and death and sickness of an entire generation, and now they're just remembered as that one old band who did the song you hear people playing at guitar center. i command of you. actually really listen to this band, take the time to go through some deep cuts, listen to the weird little eps and bonus tracks and shit. there's so much to uncover. this song came on shuffle at one point and i just was floored by it all once again, so it's here as representative of the sentiment

Cab Calloway - St. James' Infirmary: i've been obsessed with an old betty boop cartoon that features this song, which i put in the youtube playlist. you might have seen a clip from it making some rounds on tumblr, but the full thing is worth a watch. cab calloway was known for his flamboyant performances, but all that energy takes on kind of a dark, unsettling tone when placed in the context of the moderately-fucked-up cartoon. good stuff

Billy Joel - Movin' Out (Anthony's Song): i've never been much of a billy joel fan but i've felt the need to explore more of his stuff after getting into this one. it came on the radio in the car and i was on an easygoing road so i got the chance to really LISTEN to it, y'know. like i've probably heard it in passing a million times, and my dad and i would always make fun of the "heart atTACK ACK ACK ACK ACK" part, but when i really listened to it... it's a damn good song! got that earnest, heart-aching singer-songwriter realness. who knew!

Skee-Lo - I Wish: TWO new todd videos since the last WILT, so you know that shit is making an appearance. i genuinely really love this song, i think it's so fun and creative with an *amazing* sample, i kinda wish skee-lo had gotten a little better than he did. you should follow my nu metal tournament blog, because i'm gonna put a bunch of other non-nu metal polls up when the bracket's done, and skee-lo is gonna make an appearance. i need more skee-lo warriors, basically. that rabbit in a hat thing is bullshit though

Caravan - The Dog, The Dog, He's At It Again: this is a find from charlotte charlottan's "Intro to Prog" playlist that i immediately fell in love with. it's so floaty and lovely, while managing to both gesture towards a wide variety of themes AND be catchy as all hell. it's good song, basically. i know nothing about caravan so that's basically it, but it's even got dog in the title :V

Parkway Drive - Boneyards (Live): it doesn't technically count as a repeat bc this is the live version!!!! i just love this shit so much. relistening to horizons after having not heard it for so long was such a breath of fresh air (this was like 3 months ago and i'm still talking about it lmao). i love the big stupid breakdown so much, boneyards has nearly permanently entered my rotation of songs to imagine myself performing. i also just love to imagine like. picture going to some punk or metal festival around the time horizons came out, and parkway is there, and your buddy is like yooo come on we GOTTA see these guys they fuckin kill live. and you're maybe not really familiar with them but you figure it's worth checking out. and they play this song and you're like damn yeah this is pretty good. and then the fucking breakdown happens!!!!!! i feel like you'd just be standing there and realize wow. i'm going to die in this pit. and that's really the feeling i'm pining for

Scatman John - Scatman's World: now some of you in the crowd may be familiar with our friend the scatman.... i've personally had my eyes opened to a whole slew of scatman hits that i never even knew about thanks to the enthusiasm of local scatman expert violet gec (hi violet!!!!!) and although this particular track is one i already knew of, i expect a lot of you might not know it. go ahead and take a step into scatman's world, baby! it's a beautiful place! and also the song will get stuck in your head despite your inability to mimic the sounds he makes!

underscores - Count of three (You can eat $#@!): i'm a pretty casual underscores fan, i just know songs here and there, but i do really like what i hear. count of three is SUCH an earworm, and i love a good "fuck you" song when it's done correctly. i also just appreciate the quality of the censoring job in the title. it's not perfect but there's effort... a lot of people just pick four random characters but here, $ obviously looks like S, # is similar to H, and so on. these are the kinds of things i think about

Bring Me The Horizon - AmEN!: continuing to ask the question of "what the hell are these guys doing ever and why does it sound good." first of all, we have to address the lil uzi feature. that makes... two? i think it's just two fuckin international pop stars that bmth have collaborated with. i mean, i know uzi is a rapper but considering rap's dominance in the pop sphere and their sheer popularity, i think i'm justified in calling a pop rapper a pop star. it's been said to death, but it's just crazy that these guys have become one of the biggest rock acts around considering where they started. as for the song itself, it's not like... my favorite? but it's cool, it's catchy. i don't find their lyrics nearly as impactful now as i did when 1. i was younger and 2. they wrote about suicide and nihilism and shit all the time. i guess the themes are still dark but it all just kinda washes over me now. i'm just here for the heavy heavy and the big chorus, and that's what i got. so i'm happy :)

Everclear - I Will Buy You A New LIfe: as you may have seen, i had a big sappy emotional moment for a few days at the end of last month, and that had me returning to my roots. post-grunge. a genre with no shortage of lame pop rock relationship tunes, including this one. i even made a playlist of sappy songs, of which this was one. i just like the idea of pledging all these expensive things to someone you love, but doing it as kind of a joke. like the sentiment is real, but you both know that's never gonna happen, because all you really have to offer is yourself. and hopefully that's enough. it's like if two princes by the spin doctors was less fun. i fuck with it mildly

Third Eye Blind - Jumper: that's right folks. not one, but TWO mellow and corny 90s rock tunes. i have nothing to say about this song other than that it's pretty good and, more importantly, you should watch the most recent trainwreckords video (told you we'd get both todd videos in here). i've even conveniently included that very video in the youtube playlist :) DO IT

Kesha - Eat The Acid: i listened to and enjoyed the new kesha album, but this single was definitely the song that stuck in my mind above all the others. it just made such an impression. even in her current era, i don't think i or anyone else expecting... this. it's very psychedelic, and while it doesn't completely deviate from pop by any means, i think it's a pretty bold step for her and i hope it pays dividends. i would be 100% down for more strange experimental kesha, i wanna see where this goes

Tina Turner - What's Love Got to Do with It: tina turner is featured on two WILTS in a row... if only the circumstances weren't so unfortunate. as i'm sure i said last time, she was a fantastic vocalist, and her biggest hit here gave her the space to really holler. i thought it was fitting as well to put this song right next to eat the acid, as both are the returning singles of women finally casting themselves free (or at least attempting to) of the figures that tied them down and abused them in the music industry. What's Love might reek of the 80s, but it's the good 80s. and for the record, i went back and listened to the full album and found a lot to like about it. RIP to a legend, for real

Roxy Radclyffe - YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE ME: another song whose presence is moreso indicative of a broader listening trend. i've been really interested in this artist's work recently, although i haven't had the opportunity to really dive headfirst in yet. i discovered her through a rym/bandcamp rabbit hole and was fascinated by the quanitity of projects she has running. i would recommend checking out her neocities and poking around, i've found some interesting stuff so far. definitely the kind of thing i think my crowd of oddballs on tumblr dot com could enjoy

[badbitchfiles]

Vibes for the Rest of the Year

Getting My Finances Together:

Rebuilding my savings

Stack my bills account

Paying down (and keeping down) the credit cards

Probably open some more savings accounts lol (I need one for my car care/maintenance & some sinking funds for other stuff)

*Added 9/17*: Get a whole new job; the one I'm at now is okay in terms of the work, but it doesn't pay nearly enough and the paltry ass raise I just got was wiped out by a reduction in hours (but the favorites got an increase in hours). Plus the management is incompetent, sneaky and doesn't value the employees that aren't favorites. I'll stay there long enough to line something else up (or get through school, whichever comes first) and then I'm gone.

Self Care:

Being consistent with skin & body care routine

Daily Meditation (turning on my Slow Morning timer before I go to bed)

Daily Journaling

Daily Vitamins

Investing in weekly solo dates & monthly/quarterly facials*

Monthly pedicures

Get back in the gym**

intuitive eating with a focus on veg & leafy greens

Business/Career:

I plan on relaunching The "WTF" Planner with the new year but I also plan on starting software developer/engineer school in October BUT I'm considering looking into UX design as a backup, hopefully that doesn't involve coding lol

I can take my time creating content for WTF Planner as I've rebranded/redesigned everything so I'll need to make updated graphics for everything. I also want to make seasonal designs to sell them as limited edition products (Christmas, spring, summer, Halloween, maybe a juneteenth and new years edition?)

Also finish putting together my other two brands (a cousin brand to the "wtf" Planner and another one that I've been holding onto for a while but now I potentially have a way to launch it the way I want

*I want to take myself out every Friday (barring my coworkers & I going out). I've created a list in my phone of the different cuisines/restaurants I want to try and where I can get them. I've also priced out different spas and their products.

**I've selected two gyms; one is close to my job but has locations near-ish my house and near one of the markets I go to. The other is near the apartment I picked out (the apartment has a gym on-site, but I love this one) and it's all inclusive with a focus on weights which I definitely want to get into.

[dzpenumbra]

2/26/23

I didn't get a lot of sleep today. I woke up early. I think I had intense dreams, again, don't remember. I got up and was going to pass out in the comfy chair, but just decided to stay up.

I finally got a bookcase. It was delivered yesterday. I spent a big chunk of the day putting it together, and fixing up the old table I got from my brother and sister in law. So... for the first time since my move-in in mid December... I started to unpack my stuff.

For years and years, I lived in my old house with stuff still in boxes in the living room. Like... 80% of my possessions just sitting in cardboard boxes in my living room. I had 3 empty closets and tons of space to put stuff. And I just... I couldn't figure out why my house was so messy! And I couldn't figure out the subconscious logic behind the boxes.

Now... it's starting to make more sense. As I finally make deliberate different choices, the contrast is starting to make sense. I'm making this place my home. I'm settling in.

The irony? The bookcase that my mom got me is designed to be foldable... so that it's easier for me... when I inevitably move. Like... even she is subconsciously aware of this, and hasn't connected the dots on why all my shit has been in boxes for years.

Why would I unpack? I might have to leave overnight. I might get my financial funding pulled. I might get evicted. I might <insert PTSD disaster scenario here>.

I remember back in like... 2016? 2017? My former best friend and her husband were like... showing off their bug-out bags to me, and talking about how they were like... because of the "tension with China"? or something? Ready to dip out in a moment's notice. Well... I mean, they'd be able to dip out for like... a few days... The rest of their stuff would be fucked if they left it.

But me? The majority of my precious possessions would just need to have the box they're stored in taped shut and put in a vehicle. My entire house is a bug-out bag. XD And it has been for a very long time. Ever since I moved off my parents property.

I came back from college and moved into my parents' property, above a 2-car garage. I actually moved in there, I made it a home and everything. When my ex and I "decided" to live together... aka when I decided to move... I wanted to make that a home as well. I tried to. But I wanted to make it a home with her. Together. But she was... obsessed with "work". Obsessed with making money. Obsessed with being "productive". Obsessed with paying off these mysterious debts that she never talked about, never showed me, never... oh boy... big red flags there, eh? Well, you know... you try to be nice and not pry when people seem really anxious and insecure and uncomfortable... and they just really take advantage of that, don't they? Yikes.

So... I got her a job. Through family connections. A great job, at a cool place. And she spent all her time there, and like no time with me. And when she got home, she'd just go in the spare room that was supposed to be my art studio... but became reserved for her second work-from-home job. And she'd just go work a shift there. And I'd take care of the dogs, and cook dinner, and play games and watch TV. And we'd just like... never really do shit together. We would play games sometimes - Diablo 3, Minecraft, League of Legends, Starbound, Starcraft 2 - I taught her from scratch, she got pretty good. But she would get frustrated and just drop it after a while. Work always took center stage. Despite rent being completely covered for her. Despite all her bills being taken care of. Despite never discussing a plan and refusing to discuss budgeting. Despite me giving her basically all of my savings to help her pay off her debts.

I know that in the future, if I see that, I need to be more suspicious. It feels unkind to do so, and I really don't know how to be... careful? Self-protective? In a way that is respectful. In the sense that... I err waaaaaay too far onto the side of self-sacrificing, yielding, etc. Giving way too much benefit of the doubt. But I'm not going to crack that nut tonight.

Because of this massive rift she was creating, how busy she was intentionally keeping herself, we had less and less in common, less and less shared. That, combined with her odd paradoxical obsessions with wanting to stay in a relationship with me, but being obsessed with the concept of "independence"... she ended up enslaving herself. And blaming me.

I didn't deserve the blame. I was just trying to create a home. A life. A shared home. A shared life. (again, a goal that... apparently... due to her obsession with independence... she did not share and did not disclose.) I put the development of that home on hold until she was ready to participate. And the place was cavernously empty for like 2-3 years. Because I was just... waiting. Waiting for her to make up her mind. She started to rent her own apartment on the side, while "living" in my house. We would fight regularly and she would retreat to her apartment. That went on for months. If only I had a good friend to like... sit down and tell me that was... really not normal. And that what she was doing behind the scenes... was not worth giving her dozens of second chances for. That I deserved much better.

All the while, the majority of my possessions were being stored above my parents' garage, still waiting to be moved in. And... my mom started renovating it. And she told me to get my stuff out of there, but I didn't really have a place to put it. I didn't want the clutter in the main room to upset my ex or make the place feel like... like it wasn't a home. I didn't want to store my stuff in "our" empty, unused studio space, which eventually just turned into... her spare bedroom while we were mildly fighting. Barren, dark and haunted when she retreated to her apartment when the fights got bigger.

After the breakup, and a long mourning period because this breakup synced up with some very tragic deaths, I reclaimed my possessions from my above parents' garage. That's where the boxes came from. The dreaded boxes. That's when the boxes started.

A lot of my possessions were covered in a coat of drywall dust. Splattered with paint and stuff. It... sucked. It hurt. Like... my college degree was damaged in that process. Whatever an art degree from a state college is worth in fucking 2023. And it hurt a lot. And I blamed myself. I didn't really feel like I had a choice, and it wasn't my fault, I was the victim there... but... I blamed myself. I salvaged what I could, which was a lot. But I left a lot of it there, and I wouldn't be too surprised if it was just kinda gone now. Things with my family were... shockingly horrible at that period in time. Surreally transforming. I think it was mostly because of my older brother getting married, big life transition growing pain kinda stuff. People don't tend to really understand that even big good things can also be traumatic, it's all in how it's processed and what it does to you. And I really think that's what was going on there, and no one really knew what was going on? Why they were so upset and the world was really threatening all of a sudden? (spoiler: it was big change) And I, the middle child, the black sheep, the weird dude with tattoos and camo pants and a Parkway Drive wifebeater with a peace sign on it, barefoot with stupid cheap sunglasses and a short mohawk... I'm an easy target. I'm a skateboarder. It's really fucking easy to have your boss treat you like shit and just take it, have someone cut you off in traffic and just take it, have a cop give you a stupid ticket for no reason and just take it, and then find a skateboarder skating in your parking spot and scream at them for 20 minutes about how they're going to hurt someone and "that's fucking illegal!"

I wish I wasn't used to it.

ANYWHO. Big can of worms there we're not getting into tonight... XD

So, the boxes that I brought back from my old place, from above my parents' garage, that had been there for like... a year or so already? They stayed on the floor of my main room in my old house for... 3 years? Give or take? Maybe 4? Early Summer 2019 to... Winter 2022. 3.5 years, let's go with that, split the difference.

I got a lot of shit for my stuff being there. And... I never unpacked it. I mean, I did with some of it, but like... not all of it. Just what I needed at the time.

My home did not feel like my home. Because it was never intended to be my home. That was never the plan. And I tried to make it my home. Especially during the pandemic, after I got off meds. I turned the old haunted workspace into an art/streaming studio, which was tremendously emotionally difficult and subsequently liberating. I made sure my dog knew very clearly that the futon mattress that my ex used to sleep on in the spare room was 100% hers (my dogs, that is, not my ex...), but I was going to nap on it with her sometimes because I wanted to be close to her. I reclaimed the space. The best I could.

And it was a house. But it was not a home. It wasn't my home. It was someone else's home that I was living in. And they lived on the property. And they were just... biding time until I left. Completely unaware of the severe water damage to the walls from shoddy construction. And I have no idea how they were unaware, because they were literally picking up pieces of rotting wood falling off of the walls when they were mowing the yard. But that, also, is a story for another day.

This apartment. It's... hard to tell what it is to me. Is it a transitional space? Is it... dare I say... home? At least for now?

I had no problem making a space a home for my dog and cat (who I miss so, so dearly every day), I have no problem making a space a home for a partner. Especially if it's a task we do together, building a home together. Good lord, that's an absolute fantasy of mine. I've wanted that for so long. But, apparently, I have a problem making a home for myself.

I have no problem making a home in Rimworld. Or in Minecraft, I've made tons of homes in Minecraft, and they're all very neatly organized and designed really cool and everything. I can actually see them in my head right now! The one I made in a snowy pine biome, the A-frame with the big floor to ceiling glass windows looking out over the valley. The farm house by the beach on the old modded server I played on with my ex-friend from Florida and his dad, with a big Chisels and Bits roof, and a deck looking out over the big corn and cotton and strawberry fields. With the huge sprawling dirt roads that stretched to a small coastal village with a marble train station with Chisels and Bits stained glass windows in it. The beach house I made in my last Valhelsia Vanilla world... then the starter house and the 2-story farmhouse and the massive wheat fields and Create windmill that I expanded to later... on my short lived but long-payed-for 2-player multiplayer server. Fort Saiga, with it's giant hedge maze inside the perimeter of the walls, that I built with my friend who lived in North Carolina back in like... oh good lord... this had to be... 2012? There was even a home that I built into the interior second floor of a gigantic Aztec temple that I built on the multiplayer server where I was a Mod and met my ex-Florida friend. So many homes. I'm not even going to get into Rimworld. I've almost hit 4k hours in that game. Countless homes.

So I can make a home for myself. And I enjoy it. But... I don't.

Because life is not secure for me. It's not predictable, it's not safe. I might have to pack all my shit and move in a week. My life has just... been that. That's my best guess. That's the closest I can get to unraveling this mystery right now. And I'm sure... like the mystery of my ex hiding her expenses and normalizing renting an apartment while in a live-in relationship... in about 5 years time I'm going to look back on this and see it clear as day. So here's a message to Future Me. Hi. You're kinda lucky. It's pretty spooky to be in this place. Not really knowing why shit is happening, big blank spots where there should be answers. Having all the data in front of you and not being able to piece it together.

I guess that's just... life. Right? Like... that's the point of learning, right? XD I mean, it's so damn simple but I don't think people really think about it. I hear shit like that a lot. "I don't know how to play guitar, so I'm never going to learn how to play guitar." What?! XD That's literally how learning works. I mean... no one can just... Matrix jack download information directly into their brain, it just doesn't work like that. Even if you could, you would lack context. That information would sound like gibberish, you wouldn't have the hands-on experience to apply it!

I fixed a piece of furniture today. I was warned that the legs of this table were wobbly, and the drawers were sticky. They were not wrong. I made the error of attacking this problem first, then assembling the bookshelf second, which was an error because... I didn't have a hex wrench. I always lose them. And the bookcase had one in it the whole time. Apparently people are just using the most annoying, easy to lose tool on the planet as the standard hardware now... I mean, it makes sense, it's a good design, lots of leverage, less risk of stripping screws, I get it... but hex wrenches hurt the hell out of my hands and I lose more of them than I do socks. Just sayin.

My point here is that I flipped this table over and studied the parts. Legs attached by screws with a washer and a metal ring, for spacing I guess? A wood corner piece that it screws through to hold the leg in place, on all four corners. Hex screws on all of them. So I took the legs off, checked the metal sockets on the legs to make sure they weren't loose or wobbly, seemed legit, and then screwed it back in and used pliers to get them firmly tight. That's where the hex wrench would've come in handy... Then I removed the drawers, studied the construction. Basically a piece of wood tacked to the bottom with a slot in it, and the corresponding puzzle piece attached to the table itself. I inspected the inside of this lock and key kinda mechanism and saw a lot of... some kind of residue built up. Could be anything really. So I spent a good amount of time getting sandpaper in there and just... sanding and wiping the gunk out of it. The best I could. The part attached to the table itself was easier than cleaning out the slot, but I did a pretty good job. Then I just put them back in, made sure they were aligned right and... ta-da. Not really good as new... if I actually manufactured new wooden parts for it, I would absolutely say so... but... much improved! Very stable, the drawers slide fine, don't stick.

All it took was an inquisitive mind. And a willingness to make mistakes. And to learn from, and fix those mistakes. That's all. And I learned a lot today about that, I feel much more capable of taking on other furniture projects now. Assembling the bookshelf after that felt like putting together legos compared to troubleshooting something without a manual or instructions. You know? It's a completely different experience, a different way of using your brain.

So... I guess I'm kinda hinting at... well, kinda more than hinting at, I'm kinda just saying... Maybe it's okay for me to not fully know what the deal with the boxes and making big messes everywhere is about. I'll find out in time. That doesn't mean... stop looking. That doesn't mean "never learn guitar". That doesn't mean "I'm a messy person, so fucking deal with it." It means... I don't know now because I lack that perspective. But I might in the near future. And it might teach me a lot about how to improve my life even more. It might just be a blind spot for me.

That said, I think I started to open the door on that realization today. And the ironic part, I had a live stream on most of the day of this pair of bald eagles nesting in California. Here, I'll share the link, I've been visiting a bit.

As I was sorting my stuff, putting some in storage, putting others in a more... accessible, intentional space on a bookshelf... I was kept company by a family, in their home, with their expected children. It was heartwarming, and I think encouraging.

I got a lot done, about half of the main room is in much better shape. My work space is coming up next. And my new computer desk should be arriving soon to herald that next phase of home development. My whole computer and work space is shared right now, and it's incredibly cramped. The new desk will be wonderful for computer and music stuff, writing and maybe even some drawing. Then art projects will happen on my drafting table. For now... until I can get a table that's a bit more sturdy, that ideally has a pegboard or built in tool storage included.

Until then? I'm going to have a massive pile of art supplies and tools just chillin on the floor within a reasonable arm's reach. Which... if you've ever met me in the wild - which you haven't because I'm a hermit... but... let's just use our imaginations here - is kinda just my natural state of being.

Hey, check that out, I don't even have to reset the vibes at the end of this. :) It's been a while! Have a good night!

[orphancookie69]

Car Cleaning & Maintenance 101

Most people drive a car or drive in a car. While you are getting to be a passenger, I wish I would of asked more questions about rules, mechanics, streets, etc. Things you know more in looking back but not so much in the moment. But then eventually comes the day you have your own car, usually some (relatively) inexpensive starter car, or a family members car heavily used. 

This will kind of read like an overview post, not unlike my makeup post, because while I would like to say I am a mostly functioning and successful adult, I am not a car expert. I find I know more about cars than most people, but I come from a car loving family/mechanic family. But even then, the important thing is to keep your car safe for not only you, but anyone you have in your car with you. 

Maintenance: 

There will be maintenance on your car, whether you are playing the short term game or long term game. It is helpful to put some money aside each month in a “rainy day fund”, because you could be totally careful but “when it rains it pours”. There is always some force you can’t control, like a cheap city that doesn’t fix its streets and need new tires. I would have at least two mechanics you maintain a relationship with: Dealership (good for later on if you trade your car in and they already know you/vehicle) and a local/family member. The smaller shop person may not be able to do the bigger stuff, and be careful with family-just because you are related doesn’t mean they know what they are doing OR will do a good job for you. Treat your car well, take care of it when you see a light, and save up money. If there is anything you can DIY, like having your own tire pressure machine in your trunk, do so. Keep up your insurance, and AAA roadside is never a bad thing to have for emergencies. 

Cleaning: 

Why is clean important? On the outside of your car, visibility. You just mean windows right? Nah, your headlights too, when was the last time you cleaned those? You probably have not. Your headlights and windows make it so you can see the road. Inside, is a health thing. You can totally eat in your car, if you are in it long enough it happens. But food can get caught there, attract bugs, and then germs. Besides the fact that wiping down the inside of the car, not having dust if your allergic to that, is so damn nice. You can use basic cleaners or get car cleaning stuff and just leave it in the trunk of your car. To clean some parts of the car, you will need specialized items, like to clean leather. Try cleaning once a month, in the afternoon when the sun is starting to go down. Make it a party, do a couple at once! 

One of my favorite things to do in life is to slide into my driver seat, turn on my car, listen to my music too loud, and vrooooom along side my engine. It just takes me out of my head and into the moment. I would also say, if you love your car, it will love you back. Name it, if it feels right. My first car was a PT Cruiser, my mom would not let me have a mini cooper-Amore (french for love). She put in her time, and I got the “new car experience” with a Chevy sonic and it was not a love match. I finally got into my teenage dream car, Mini Cooper Clubman named Ami (Mon Ami-my friend). She just celebrated her 5 year birthday with some hefty repair bills, but the only way I say “Adios” is if I get a plug in, but is it worth it to not be able to vroom?