#I think I’m aroace & apl

[clarablightt]

so uuhhhh your local ✨aroace lesbian✨ has realized something

i’m not just aromantic and asexual

✨i’m aplatonic too✨

[theghostown]

To me love is puddles and relaxation and soft pillows. Love is being around comfortable people, not people you care about, not people you love. Love of humanity is love of myself, not love of others.

-Crimson

[aroacesafeplaceforall]

Hi! I was looking at the poll (AROACE SWEEP) and noticed that under the aroace option there's one abbreviated to 'apl', and was wondering what that stands for? It's not one I think I've seen (abbreviated at least) and I'd love to know more - cheers!

It’s short for aplatonic!! There’s a few aro apl specs or ace apl specs or all three (AAA)!! As they’re a “mixture” identity (in my brain it’s like cereal it would take to long to explain sorry-) they’re in the same slot but also seperate (which is also why I said not all three)

I’m not an aplatonic expert sorry see @aplatonic-stuff perhaps? Or @aplatonic-culture-is @aplatonicsafespace I think there’s a few more :D

[merely-a-caricature]

Using the argument that “Aros can still love” and that we can love in other ways is a flawed argument. Of course it is good to point out that you can be aro and still experience other kinds of attraction. Being aro DOESN’T make you loveless. But there are also people out there like that. We’re all different, and I don’t think people shouldn’t express the other types of attraction they feel. For example, I experience A LOT of aesthetic attraction. Like, I’m super horny aesthetically. But:

Some people are aplatonic. Some people are loveless. Assigning emotions/experiences as an indicator of our humanity is inherently flawed. Someone will ALWAYS be excluded if we limit humanity to a certain bubble of emotions one has to experience. Plus, not everyone has experienced love in a healthy manner. I know for a fact what makes us human and it is NOT based upon emotions that we feel.

I’m an aroace apl. I know that feeling of being less than human.This blog’s name (hitomodoki; translated “pseudo-human”) is somewhat based off of the fact that I don’t really feel love traditionally/feel it at all towards other people and how that has made me feel “pseudo-human”. That and it’s, like, probably my favorite song XD (We adore Mafumafu). I don’t identify as loveless though for my own reasons, and of course I know I’m still human and everyone else is. I’ve personally felt with this stuff as well.

I just hope everyone out there who is struggling with feeling “pseudo-human” or with people telling them off can be assured that they ARE human and just as deserving of compassion as anyone else.

[kyanitedragon]

I heard you are apl-spec and I want to say I may be on it too (specifically demi-platonic, I think) I barely ever experienced queerplatonic attraction (1 close friend I wamt to qpr with) Idk if I've experienced altereus attraction, I experience sensual attraction to friends and I know for a fact im aroace. Idk I'm just confused where im at (or even on) the aplatonic-spec

Well, there’s no rush to figure it out! Take it at your own pace! You’re welcome to try on aplatonic-spectrum labels and see how they fit, or use “aplatonic” as an umbrella term no matter where you may fall on the aplspec. (That’s what I do - I’m greyplatonic but usually simplify it to aplatonic!)

There’s not too many resources out there for questioning aplatonics, but maybe try asking yourself these questions...

How would I describe my feelings for my friends? Does it fit the usual narrative I see described?

How do I feel when seeing/hearing people gush about their friends? Do I relate, feel disconnected, or relate only under certain/specific circumstances?

Do I feel kinship with / affection for people or friends quickly or does it take some time for it to settle in? Or does it never settle in the way other people typically describe?

I know that @aromagni identifies as demi-platonic! Ze has written about it in a few posts: (X) (X) (X).

I also found this post from another demiplatonic person which may help you out as well!

[aromagni]

My Experiences Feeling Demiplatonic (Carnival of Aros, December 2019, Part 1)

(The majority of this is about my experiences with demiplatonic, which is only kinda tangentially related to this month’s prompt, but I was wanting to write about it anyways and there is some overlap; I’m made another post (Part 2) with something I wrote more directly responding to the prompt.)

My perception of the concept of “love” is influenced by many aspects of my identity, including not only my aromanticism but also my neurodivergency and my relation to the aplatonic-spectrum, specifically the term demiplatonic.  I dislike “love” and the societal expectation of it as a universal human experience even outside of its ties to romance, because non-romantic relationships are not universal either.  There’s this narrative that people can only find happiness through love and I find this harmful.  There shouldn’t be a societal expectation for any type of love or relationships, because not everyone feels or wants these things.

When I was younger, I wanted to have friends in general but I never really wanted to be friends with people specifically.  I didn’t like being alone so I would alternate between trying and failing to socialize with people before retreating to read my books, or on rare occasions would find someone who had a common interest and would tolerate me so I would latch onto them as a “friend”.  In middle school, I kept a running tally of how many people I could consider “friends” along with mentally ranking them in tiers…..after my brother mocked me for not being able to name 5 friends.  Making friends never came naturally to me.

In high school, I’d managed to acquire a group of friends…..who would at least spend time with me if brought in proximity by other things, though we rarely made actual plans to hang out.  In sophomore year, I figured out that I am aroace and first became exposed to much terminology, including aplatonic.  I was rarely in convenient proximity with my friend group and thus I felt alone…. so I spent a lot of time overthinking friendships.  

At one point I realized that I did not feel comfortable receiving affection such as hugs from most people, including people I considered friends but was less close with.  In comparison, I felt comfortable receiving hugs from 1-2 of my closest friends.  Since I was only comfortable doing platonic affection things with people I felt a strong emotional connection with, that was when I initially resonated with the term demiplatonic.  That perhaps wasn’t a great reasoning and showed poor understanding of the term, but feelings are confusing and actions are easier.  Similarly, around that time what first helped me conclude that I was aro is that I didn’t find the idea of doing “romantic” things like kissing appealing.  Naturally, my understanding of terms has grown with time.

***

In college, I experienced what I would consider my first proper squish on a friend I felt close to.  I considered this attraction to be a mix of queerplatonic, platonic, alterous, and sensual attractions, though referring to it as platonic/a squish was simplest.  I wanted to spend a lot of time with this person and also I wanted to be affectionate with them (Hugging/cuddling).  This was a notably different feeling than what I felt towards other friends, whom I enjoyed spending time with because I like having friends but I didn’t seek to spend time with them specifically.  Thus, I felt more strongly that the label demiplatonic was applicable to me.  With the mix of attractions, perhaps demi-queerplatonic or demi-sensual was technically more accurate, or aplatonic and demi-queerplatonic, but demiplatonic was easiest.  So I considered myself demiplatonic and thus apl-spec, while also wanting a queerplatonic relationship and not considering myself nonamorous. ***

Making friends never came naturally to me, and maintaining friendships even less so.  It seems like when I do have strong feelings for someone then it’s emotionally volatile and inevitably collapses…...whereas if I don’t feel as strongly about them and mainly appreciate their presence as my friend then it’s more stable, though often times that dissipates as they don’t prioritize me enough to ever have time for me.  As always, once no longer brought into convenient proximity by outside forces, we drift apart despite my efforts to prevent it.  

I increasingly feel like I am inherently bad at friendships, especially now as I look around and find I have few to no actual friends.  It’s been about a year now since I lost most all my social connections from two back-to-back incidences around winter break.  Nothing particularly dramatic or objectively bad happened…..and yet I feel almost traumatized by past relationships and the overwhelmingly negative emotions built on top of it by many smaller things over time.  I used to seek affection and platonic partnership, but now I’m inclined to be non-partnering and am more touch repulsed than ever before.  I try to seek out at least casual socialization because I know feeling socially isolated is bad for me, but I feel like I’m bad at socializing at all.

I am neurodivergent, which definitely contributes to my difficulties with social stuff.  I know I have ADHD, and I feel that the RSD and emotional dysregulation which comes with it has contributed greatly to the extent to which I feel negatively affected by past friendships.  I increasingly ponder whether I am also autistic, because while there is overlap with ADHD, I don’t think it alone explains my inherent difficulties with socializing.  I think I used to be better at socializing somewhat “normally”, but at some point I became comfortable enough with existing friendships that I forgot how to filter myself when interacting with people and now that they’re gone, making friends is even harder than ever before; so I feel anxious that everyone just finds me annoying ... while not being confident in my ability to interpret social cues to determine whether or not that anxiety is justified.

I now relate more to the original context of aplatonic, with difficulties making friends being associated with trauma or neurodivergency.  I seek friendships to combat loneliness, but I doubt my own capacity of emotions for people and feel guilty that I’m being selfish and don’t care the way I think I’m supposed to.  I identify more closely with the term aplatonic and apl-spec as a whole, though I know I feel demi-something so demiplatonic still feels accurate to use.  I don’t consider myself nonamorous, because I find it hard to be content or fulfilled without strong emotionally intimate relationships of some sort.  I do consider myself non-partnering, at least for now, because the idea of a QPR feels ruined to me now and seeking partnership of any sort hurts too much to be desirable.  People tend to conflate these terms, aplatonic, nonamorous, and non-partnering, as if they are approximately the same, but they feel different to me and each are useful.  I also think that while it is important to acknowledge the context of aplatonic as being based in neurodivergent aros and trauma, I think trying to isolate it to a single definition or context of acceptable use is not ideal as it can be a very useful and dynamic term.  Feelings are confusing, and relationships even moreso, so sometimes it’s not easy to separate out emotions that are platonic or queerplatonic and which are or are not felt.  

I consider myself demiplatonic; the experiences, reasons, and definitions with which I identify with it have changed over time, but the descriptor remains the same and continues to be useful to me.

[xeno-aligned]

I’m thinking of coining a word for people who don’t know if they experience romantic/sexual attraction but either 1. emphasize other types of attraction or 2. lack of attraction. I wanted to ask your opinion. Do you think it would be helpful? It should be something like. “platonic ?rose” or “apl ?rose” (short for question(ing) romantic sexual) Also, can I suggest abbreviating “alloromantic allosexual” to rose? like, as in apl “rose”? I’m not sure if those are accessible terms, though.

to clarify:

“[attraction type] ?rose is a term for those who aren’t sure if they are aro/ace but want to emphasise their other types or attraction or lack of.”

is that right? so the [attraction type] is the type you do experience, and the ?rose part is signifying that you’re questioning if you’re aroace?

i think it’s a good idea, but i’m not sure if the question mark is a good idea or not, since my brain has difficulty interpreting it and other neurodivergents might have the same problem.

i also dunno how helpful shortening romantic/sexual to rose would be outside of using it as a shorthand, probably in aroace contexts? if that makes sense

& i guess alloromantic allosexual usually just gets shortened to allo (or alloro) so idk about the rose part there either, since someone can just say ‘allo(ro) analterous’ for e.g.